#apologizing and then fixing the behavior so i can better myself....love it

[saintshigaraki]

one thing about me is that i love apologizing when I've done something wrong

[dazed--xx]

SKZ Reaction: He hurts the reader (Maknae Line)

A/N: ooofff two uploads in a couple days that shit crazy 😜 but yeah I hope you guys enjoy and there probably won’t be a part two I enjoy that they left the boys because of the behavior. But requests are open and hopefully I’ll release something else soon.

Masterlist. Hyung Line

Jisung:

���You don’t fucking get it Y/N!” Jisung exclaimed for the umpteenth time since you both had walked through the door. “What is there to get? All this could have been avoided if you would have just told me it was supposed to be boys night. I feel bad for ruining that for you guys especially since I wasn’t informed. You didn’t have to have an attitude all night you could have asked me to leave” you retort as you pull your heels off. “Do you really think I could have said Oh you’re not welcome to come? You would have lost your shit and gotten all clingy and annoying like you always fucking do and it’s ridiculous how much you cling to me!” His words spew like venom, you stare at him in utter shock. “Fine I’m sorry I imposed myself on your night with your friends. It won’t happen again can we please not do this right now Ji. It’s stupid we love each other and we shouldn’t be fighting over something that’s not even important” you plead grabbing at his wrist softly, placing your cheek on his shoulder. A habit you’ve become accustomed to since this was a great calming technique when it came to your boyfriend. Typically you’d both sit silently with your head on his shoulder as you both just caught your breath and actually communicated; which is why you were so surprised when you felt him shove you roughly off him. “Don’t fucking touch me seriously can you be any more annoying tonight?!” He growls.

Struggling to catch yourself, you hit your side on the corner of the counter a sharp gasp is released from your throat as your had instinctively caressed the area. “Ow!” You cry, you stare at him in shock “what the hell is wrong with you?” Hurt is laced in your angry tone. His eyes are wide with surprise and guilt. “My love I didn’t realize—I’m so sorry” he apologized profusely, his hand caressing the small of your back making you flinch. A whimper is released from his throat “Im seriously so sorry baby I don’t know why I—just don’t touch me please just leave me alone” you cut him off moving away from him slightly. You see the reality setting in on his face as tears form in his eyes. “I really didn’t mean to hurt you, I’m sorry” he gasps out “please don’t make me leave I-I can fix this..” his pleas fall on deaf ears as you gesture him to leave. His hands wrap around your wrists and he holds them to his chest. “Jisung seriously, let me go and leave I don’t want you here.” You snap, knowing your words were quite harsh yet you didn’t care. You didn’t care that he looked like his entire world was crumbling around him. You didn’t care that he was sorry. if him pushing you was the only reason you were doing this you would have had your resolve broken by the way he had pushed you; but his words prior also continued to ring in your head. “Babe I’m begging you please don’t make me leave. I’m sorry I hurt you I am so fucking sorry I hurt you but it won’t ever happen again I promise you that. I can fix this…I don’t want to break up please don’t break up with me.. even if you need space I can give you that I-I can…—sigh—I can be better for you okay? I didn’t mean to genuinely I didn’t mean to.” He pleads. The pain that’s radiating through your back is being less burdensome than the pain in your heart at his words. But your mind is set “please leave Jisung…” you mutter under your breath before you pull your hands from his and make your way into the bedroom locking the door behind you. You heard heavy sobs and profanities coming from your living room for a while before the sound of the front door opening reaches your ears. You hear him cry out to you one more time begging for you to call him when you’ve figured out how you feel before the door is closed behind him.

Felix:

Tears form in your eyes as you stare meekly at your hands placed in your lap at the fourth joke about the dress you chose to wear. And while you did believe it hugged your body and curves in a modest yet sexy way apparently, your boyfriend and his friends found it a lot more arousing than you had intended. With the alcohol that had flowed consistently throughout dinner had sent all inhibitions out the window with the drunk boys. You felt embarrassed as Felix laughed along with the rest of his members. You felt disgusting and objectified. A look of disgust was plastered on Chans girlfriends face as she stared at her boyfriend for his latest comment. You could feel the other girls eyes on you making your growing embarrassment worse. “I-I’m going to see you guys later, j-just text me what I owe you guys for my portion” you croak as you lift yourself from your seat, ignoring Felix’s confused pleading pout. The girls giving you a sympathetic smile telling you to text them when you got home, you give them a small wave and make your way out of the restaurant allowing the tears to flow freely. Honestly you didn’t know what you were thinking wearing something like that, you and the girls went shopping and they thought it would help you gain a little bit of confidence yet now that plan had backfired and you were a laughing stock. And with Felix just laughing along like you, his girlfriend, weren’t objectified and then to make a sexual joke about you himself had you seething and utterly destroyed. A pair of arms clumsily the smell of soju and a familiar cologne fills your nostrils. You bite your bottom lip looking away from your boyfriend. “Ughh come on babe what’s up? What’s wrong?” He whines as he tries to cuddle into you.

“You’re kidding me right?” You snap, pulling away from him “no seriously what’s your problem? Everyone was having fun and you just took things way too personal they aren’t into you like that babe” he offhandedly sighed as he pulled you closer to his frame placing wet kisses along your shoulder “but I am, so please don’t be mad I can’t help but be all over you right now you look so fucking good” he groans his arms firmly wrapping around your waist. “Felix seriously get off me!” You growl trying to pull his hands from around your waist “why are you being such a fucking bitch! “ He snaps releasing his hold on you “I’m sorry I don’t enjoy being objectified by 8 different men!” You retort. A sarcastic laugh rings through the air before Felix’s eyes are locked on you. A darkness takes over his expression “you shouldn’t have just sat there and just allowed it to happen if it was such a problem…I bet it’s what you wanted when you dressed like such a slut.” He snaps his hands wrapping around your shoulders shoving you back against the brick wall roughly.

You stare at him in shock, your mouth hung open as he got in your face his hand grabbing at your chin forcing you to look at him. “Felix you’re drunk let me go!” You argue trying to remove his aggressive hold on you. A conflicted look is planted on his face “you’re such a fucking bitch Y/N!” He exclaims “why do you have to be so fucking annoying right now all I wanted was to have fun with my friends and you had to go and ruin my fucking night! Honestly don’t dress like a whore if you don’t want to be treated like one.” His expression still wearing that unfamiliar darkness which makes your stomach turn. You’ve never seen this side of him, and now that you have you were absolutely terrified. “I never told you to leave you could have had fun with them Lix it would have been fine I just felt uncomfortable so I left I never asked you to leave with me you chose that. And you can chose to go back because I don’t want to be around you” you mutter your eyes drifting to the ground. “Fucking pathetic bitch..” he states under his breath “fine whatever then, bye” his tone is full of sarcasm and anger. You nod softly as you go to make your way around Felix. “Don’t expect me to call your prude ass later though…” he quips. You stare at him with disgust “don’t worry I won’t. Honestly you should expect to get a call or text from me tomorrow when all your shit is packed and on my porch” you growl, shoving him back before ripping the necklace he got you off and tossing it at him. His expression drops, “c-come on, your kidding right?” Panic fills his tone. You shake your head as you walk away from him. “Y-Y/N, wait come on let’s just talk about this..” he begs his hand reaching out to grab you. “No Felix we’re done. There’s nothing else to talk about you can go fuck yourself. Tonight told me what kind of guys you and your friends are and honestly it’s absolutely fucking disgusting. I don’t want to see you again I genuinely hate you especially since you wanted to call me a whore and put your hands on me I’m done with you I don’t ever want to see you again so don’t bother coming to see me when you sober up. Don’t call don’t text I just don’t exist to you anymore; I hope you understand this now because I won’t be entertaining this conversation again” you state stoically before walking away.

Seungmin:

“You had no right!” Seungmin shouted as he stormed into your practice room. Your eyebrows raise in amusement “what do I have no right to do?” You challenge placing your hands on your hips defiantly. A bored expression placed on your face. His jaw clenches as he releases a heavy sigh “Why’d you do that to Soohee?” You roll your eyes “oh my god! What the hell did she tell you? I literally told her to either actually learn the choreography or at least pretend better! Is there something wrong with me as a trainee about to debut scolding my lacking member; who already doesn’t put much effort in because she’s your friend?” You argue. “Min I’m not doing this with you right now as you know I’m busy right now and I’ll apologize to Soohee when she comes back okay? I have to figure this choreography out right now because the choreographer just changed it again because of Soohee. Why don’t you tell your friend to take this more seriously since JYP is ready to shelf us already since we can���t seem to get it together because Soohee won’t put any effort in.” Your steady your breathing as you make your way back over to your phone to run through your dance again. Suddenly, you feel a sharp grasp on your arm forcing you back toward your boyfriend. “You need to leave her alone Y/N! I get your jealousy but she is trying she is putting in effort—just because you’re fucking her and you think no one knows doesn’t mean you need to defend her every time she genuinely does something wrong. She’s my group member that’s why I’ve just left things alone but honestly I don’t even care if I debut anymore because I can’t be in a group with her anymore and I honestly can’t deal with you anymore.” You cut him off forcing his hand off you.

“Why do you have to act like a fucking child?! I’m not cheating on you Y/N I haven’t done anything with Soohee.” He snaps “I don’t care anymore Seungmin that’s the thing you’ve made it clear that in your eyes Soohee is absolutely gold and will always be right. I’m done being second choice to my boyfriends friend. Someone who, mind you, let me know that you guys are indeed sleeping together and also earlier today showed me pictures of you two in bed together! So I don’t care how you feel about Soohee nor do I care about how you feel about me anymore” you state boldly. You can see the conflict in Seungmin’s eyes, you can see that he believes you but he doesn’t want to. He wants to continue to hold his childhood friend in high regard but he knew you were serious. “She’s lying, those pictures are really old before I met you. Nothing happened between us even then I promise you that! I can’t lose you over this please I believe you.. I’ll talk to Soohee and things can get figured out.” He begged his hands grasping at yours trying to pull you into him. Your eyes refusing to meet his, in his panic his hands encase your face “please look at me! I can fix this” he pleas. “No honestly Seungmin just leave” you counter. His eyebrows scrunch together as he throws his phone in your direction “Fuck!” you feel it whip past your head smacking against the mirror behind you. Both of your eyes widen in shock within seconds Seungmin’s arms are around you “I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to do that—please get out” you cut him off “w-what no please I’m really sorry” he drops to his knees “GET OUT!!” You scream his eyes watering locked on you with a pleading expression as he shakes his head “no please don’t make me leave I’m sorry I really didn’t mean to I wasn’t looking I wasn’t thinking please I’m sorry” you scoff as you pull yourself from his grasp “I don’t want to see you again” you explain as you walk out of the door.

Jeongin:

“Why are you such a fucking slut?!” Jeongin exclaims. “Jeongin! Thats literally an over exaggeration. I went to lunch with my coworker I wasn’t on a date with him it was literally everyone in my department!” You explain your anger growing in your stomach as your boyfriend continued his tirade. “You’ve been fucking him for months behind my back haven’t you?!” He shouts his hand grabbing at the lamp on the end table and throwing it toward you. The loud crash behind you making you recoil in fear. “No it’s seriously not like that! I haven’t done anything wrong!” You argue with your hands over your ears. You see him lifting the picture of you two from your first anniversary before he threw it at your feet the glass crashing and cracking as it made contact with the ground “you’re a fucking whore! And you say you didn’t do anything wrong? Is fucking your coworker not wrong in your eyes?!” He storms over to you his hand grabbing at your hair pulling your face toward his “you wanna rethink what you just fucking said?” He challenges. Fear flowed through your veins, he was going to hurt you. He was going to seriously hurt you…and you were absolutely terrified. He’s never acted like this before. “Please I’m sorry I’ll leave I won’t bother you again if that’s what you believe but I want to go home I’m scared please let me go home” you pleaded through your sobs. “Fuck!” He growls as he throws you back your head hitting the wall before you land on the broken remnants of the lamps. You can feel the cuts forming on your hands but all you could think was this was your chance. And you dash toward the door. Your legs carrying you at a record breaking speed.

“Wait! Wait I didn’t mean to scare you” he calls his hand wrapping around your arm softly tugging you to face him. His hand caresses your cheek “Im sorry honey, why’d you have to go and make me do that?” His tone is soft. Disgust fills your stomach, anger flares in your stomach as your hand makes contact with his cheek “im sorry honey why’d you have to go and make me mad?” You challenge as you shove him off you and walk out the door, leaving him standing there wide eyed and caressing his now reddened cheek.

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

after your post about malleus i finally said to myself “yeah i can’t force myself to pretend like i like any of the dormheads”. not like i hate them, but after their blots were over i felt like nothing in particular has ever changed about them. the only person who made me think yeah he’s a changed guy is vil. i was really surprised when in chapter 6(if it wasn’t the end of 5th? can’t remember) he apologised to the boys, his acceptance of his own mistakes and awful doings made him skyrocket in my mental tier list

[Referencing this post!]

Mmmm, I'm in a similar boat when it comes to the dorm leaders but for my own reasons; I like the vice dorm leaders a lot better simply because I tend to enjoy characters who play "supportive" roles (butler, bodyguard, knight, older sibling, etc.).

I don't know if I agree with the idea that the dorm leaders (well, + Jamil instead of Kalim) didn't change after their OBs. I believe that we miss out on seeing a lot of their development because it happens off-screen and we the players don't spend every waking moment checking up on the OB boys--but they definitely do change. More specifically, right after their OBs and sometimes upon their returns in the subsequent books. Just because we do not personally witness every step of their development doesn't mean it didn't happen.

Let's look at one example with the first dorm leader. After his defeat, Riddle cries and confesses he doesn't care about the silly rules, he just wants to enjoy his time with everyone. During the unbirthday party that follows his OB, Riddle sees some roses that are not entirely red and his peers expect him to lose his temper again. Instead, he laughs and says he can overlook it, then invites everyone to help him paint them properly. Riddle expresses similar restraint with his anger in book 2; he adopts a policy of strictly chastising and then trying to fix the problem instead of immediately collaring rule transgressors. (The exceptions being with, of course, the wrongdoers of book 2, like Leona.) Then, in book 6, we see Riddle struggling with his character change, as he is shown to still heavily rely on absolute rules and laws to govern his actions, and relies on himself to be the judge of them while shunting out others. It's only when he butts heads with Azul that he's able to be a little more flexible and recognize his peers' strengths. This makes sense, because the time period between book 1 and book 6 is only about 6 months; a complete shift in one's character and worldview won't happen that quickly, nor completely. Riddle must have been working on himself a lot and consciously trying to repress his anger--and he's imperfect at it. This is fine!! Character growth can be messy, slow, and non-linear--and this is true of how the dorm leaders change over time.

As for Vil (since he was specifically cited in your ask!), I'm of the opinion that his early book 6 apology was not the result of a character change. Vil was already very mature and self-aware prior to OBing; I think he would have still apologized if he thought something going wrong was genuinely his fault, as he holds himself to high standards and would acknowledge when he has fallen short of them (even in regards to morals). This is implied in his behavior before he overblotted too; in book 5, Vil repeatedly claims he will defeat Neige using his own power, fair and square. When he falls into despair and resorts to dirty methods to take his rival out, VIl is appalled by the "ugliness" of his actions and begs his classmates to "not look at [him]" because "[he's] so ugly" (referring to his ugly character/morals). This means he was aware of the cruelty of his actions and how they poorly reflect on him (ie he would have felt guilty and apologized afterwards about it anyway). Vil typically comes off as harsh, but he's truly noble when it comes to accepting when he has fucked up. I feel the real change in Vil is something that Rook highlights: the importance of loving oneself, regardless of what others may think of you. This development is made more apparent in book 6, which is the follow-up book to Vil's and allows him a time to shine. Whereas in book 5 Vil was obsessed with being a "hero" and public opinion, book 6 Vil declares to Idia "there are no heroes or villains" and that he is still "fairest of them all" (echoing a line Rook says in book 5), even as a withered old man.

I don’t want to ramble on for too long!! If you’re interested in reading about how the dorm leaders (+ Jamil) are grappling with their character arcs following their books, I’d recommend this post. It only goes up to Vil since the analysis is very book 6 heavy. I’d recommend this one for Idia, but be warned it does not take into account book 7 events since it was not out at the time of writing.

[aperrywilliams]

blurb on what spencer would do to make reader feel better after an argument!!! maybe he made her cry???

He feels so bad about it! But passive-aggressive Spencer did it again.

--------

Over the years Spencer has been able to control his passive-aggressive attitude when he is mad. But this time he failed. He not only yelled at her but also said hurtful words he didn't mean it. He realized how deeply he fucked it up when the tears started to roll down her cheeks. He hates to see her cry. And knowing it was his fault only worsen the feeling.

Spencer tried to apologize immediately, but she cut him off.

“Get out!”

Then she grabbed his coat, threw it at him, and ushered him out of their shared apartment.

Now what? The old Spencer would sulk in his self-pity and stick his head under the ground. The old Spencer would feel like the right punishment is to endure a breakup for his own incompetence.

This Spencer, although, knows he needs to do amends. He loves her too much to hurt her like that and not do anything to fix it.

The next morning, she is getting out of the shower when she hears two knocks on the door. Seeing who it is, there is no one. But at the foot of the door, there is a paper bag with a note:

‘I know I fucked it up, and I’m sorry. You have the right to be upset and not talk to me, but this coffee and cheesecake are not to blame.’

She shook her head, seeing inside the bag: there were her favorite coffee and cheesecake. Of course, he knew her favorites. She was still mad at him and didn't want to talk, but the gesture was something.

That morning she couldn't concentrate at work, replaying the fight from the night before, the anger mixed with the sadness. She wanted to punch him, but also to hold him so badly.

Her phone chimed announcing a text message.

Spencer: ‘I know what I said was out of the line. Believe me, I didn't mean it. But I said it and I’m so sorry for hurting you. I hate myself for that. I would love to talk to you to explain myself, but I don’t want to pressure you if you don’t want it. Just know I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. I love you.’

During the afternoon he sent one or two more texts. He didn't want to overwhelm her but let her know he was there and he was sorry.

The last one - almost at the end of the work day - was a voice message.

‘I’m in the apartment right now. If you don’t want to see me I could go. Or I can do dinner if you are up to that. Whatever works for you. I love you.’

She didn't reply to any of the other messages, but she did to this one with a text: ‘You can stay. Dinner would be good.’

What she didn't know was Spencer went the extra mile with dinner. Tablecloth, a homemade meal, and even dessert. He tidied the place, did the dishes and everything.

When she entered the apartment she was really surprised. Spencer was relieved of could see her even if he didn't apologize properly yet.

“Spencer-“ she started to say, but couldn’t finish, a lump forming in her throat.

“I know. I know. This is not the one percent of the things I should do to compensate for what I said and the way I hurt you. And I know I can’t take it back, but if there is something I could do right now it's showing that I care. I really care and I would do anything to get your trust back. I love you. So much. I want to be better, I really do. I want to be the man you deserve. Let me try again, please?”

She knew it was genuine. She had known Spencer for years by now, and he was telling the truth. Of course, she could forgive him, but they know there was still a rough patch they needed to overcome. But something in Spencer’s behavior told her he really mean it: he cares.

[bellaturner]

Hi! I am loving the writings at the moment! I was wondering if you could write something where reader is dating Alex and also an interviewer and she has to interview him. So its all flirty and if their relationship isn’t public yet Alex constantly nearly gives it away.

I just kinda had the thought and thought it would be cute and I have no time to write atm and honestly you could probably write it better anyway lmao

Alex sat across the sofa from you, and you attempted to maintain a professional demeanor despite the playful tension in the room.

"So, mister Turner," you began, but before you could continue, he playfully interrupted.

"Oh, you sound so sexy calling me 'mister'," he teased with a mischievous grin.

You couldn't help but roll your eyes at his antics. "Come on, Alex," you said, raising your hands to your face in mock annoyance. "I'm trying to do my job here," you sighed, a hint of amusement in your voice.

"Sorry, babe," he apologize, but moved his hand up your thigh at the same time "I'll behave myself," he promised at the same time he fixed his sunglasses on his face.

"Al, please," you asked, once again, "I'm gonna get fired if you don't cooperate." you were practically begging this time.

"Sure, love," he said, removing his hand from you. "Ask your questions, but i'm gonna fuck you so hard after we get home." he winked at you.

You took a deep breath, attempting to regain your focus. Your boyfriend's flirtatious behavior was undeniably distracting, but you needed to continue the interview professionally. "Ahem," you cleared your throat and made another attempt. "So, Mr. Turner," you said, maintaining direct eye contact, "your band's latest album is titled 'The Car'." You pointed out this fact, well aware of the answer to the upcoming question. "Could you enlighten us on the reason behind that choice?" You asked, attempting to appear genuinely curious, though you suspected you weren't doing a great job of it.

You had been actively involved in the entire album composition process. You'd even assisted Alex, your boyfriend, and the rest of the band in brainstorming some of the song titles. You were aware that certain songs were inspired by your relationship, which added an extra layer of complexity to your professional life.

"Well," Alex began, avoiding direct eye contact with you, "we wanted it to have that perfect 'road trip' sound, you know?" he explained, trying to maintain a casual tone.

"Interesting choice," you responded, a sense of frustration creeping into your voice. You were beginning to feel exasperated with the interview, and you hadn't even reached the halfway point yet.

You decided to press on with the interview, determined to maintain your professionalism despite Alex's distractions. "I see what you mean," you replied, shifting your focus back to the questions. "The album definitely has a vibrant, on-the-road feel to it. Can you tell us more about the creative process behind it?"

Alex leaned back in his seat, appearing more relaxed as he delved into the band's creative journey. He began to share insights into their writing sessions and the stories behind some of the songs. You listened intently, trying to keep the conversation on track.

As the interview continued, you couldn't help but notice the way Alex's foot subtly brushed against your leg under the table. It sent a jolt of excitement through you, but you had to remain composed.

Throughout the interview, Alex managed to toe the line between playful banter and professional discussion. It was both exhilarating and maddening, knowing that he was purposely teasing you while you had to maintain your facade on camera.

As the interview was getting near the end, you couldn't help but exchange a subtle glance with Alex. It was a silent acknowledgment of the playful dance you'd been engaged in throughout the conversation. He smirked ever so slightly, and you knew he was eager to continue this game behind closed doors.

You wrapped up the interview with a final question about the band's upcoming tour, and Alex provided a thoughtful response.

This would be a tough one to edit - the viewers were none the wiser about your romantic involvement - but you were proud of your ability to mostly maintain your professionalism.

Once the cameras stopped rolling, Alex wasted no time. He leaned in closer, his arms trailing your body and his lips dangerously close to your ear. "You were amazing, babe," he whispered huskily, sending shivers down your spine.

"Thanks," you replied, your voice trembling with desire. "Are you taking me home now?" You asked, turning to pack your handbag.

"Oh no, cutie pie, I'm having you bent over the very table you were using to interview me." He said calmed, collected and demanding, getting out of his seat and towering you.

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

Hihiiii 💕

Felt like doing this one today, it's been long forgotten on my askbox, sorry, my love.

I hope you enjoy it anyway ❤️ (it was wrote while I has high on sleep meds and not prof read)

Lmk if you'd like to be tagged in my posts s2

As always, love you 💕

~ Bella

[the12thnightproject]

Chapter Nine: A Tangled Web - In which Nobunaga trolls, Hideyoshi fumes, Mitsuhide teases and Mitsunari soothes. In other words, situation ... normal?

Mitsunari x OC; Nobunaga x Mai

Previous Chapter

Logline - In order to protect a political alliance, Katusko and Mitsunari must pretend an engagement. But this “all business” arrangement is threatened by a coup against Nobunaga… and by feelings.

From the Military Notes of Ishida Mitsunari…

Reconnaissance: to explore beyond the area occupied by friendly forces to gain vital information about enemy forces or features of the environment for later analysis and/or dissemination.

Personal comments: Due to an accidental reconnaissance mission, I learned that Lady Okatsu is soft, like Kitty.

The spider incident, as it was going to be called so in my mind forever, continued to reverberate throughout the halls of Genba. Both Hideyoshi and Mai had hurried to tell Nobunaga the story – Hideyoshi’s version accompanied by sputters of anger and Mai’s by giggles. Depending on whose story you listened to, I was either a wicked flirt or half of a charming love story. Neither were true, but who knew which one Nobunaga would choose to listen to.

Nobunaga looked from me to Mitsunari for a long moment. I lifted my chin, braced for a potential lecture, but determined to defend myself if necessary. I had done nothing wrong. The true antagonist was now a smear on the bottom of Lady Yone’s sandal. Finally, his face completely solemn, Nobunaga turned to Hideyoshi. “What other behavior can you expect out of … newlywebs.”

That set off a fresh round of uncontrollable giggles from Mai, but I was too surprised to laugh. Nobunaga had punned. It was out of character for anything I had known or heard about him.  Mai must be a bigger influence than I thought. In any case, his was the final word on the matter, so the five of us continued on to the main hall, where we were placed at the front end of a long table that ran the length of the room.

Throughout the meal, Mai continued to tease me, in an increasingly wild and animated fashion and until I finally asked, “Are you really this amused, or have you had too much sake?”

She paused to gaze into her cup. “Both.”

On my other side, Mitsunari played miserably with his food. Our misadventure had basically set things back to square one. Once he realized where his instinctive spider hunt had led, he’d apologized, looked at his feet, and apologized again. Those had been the last words I’d heard from him all night.

I’d have to fix that… later. Later, when I was not busy avoiding Hideyoshi’s eyes. It was obvious he hadn’t believed the spider story, even after we all watched it scuttle out from under my kimono. Maybe he thought I had put it there myself.

Across the room from us, Shohime was looking as wretched as Mitsunari – although she had a better excuse, as she was sandwiched between Lade Yone (brrrr!) and an old man who leered down the front of her kimono. If that man was anything like her father, I didn’t blame her misery. Was that man the Daimyo she was engaged to?

It was understandable that Mozumi wouldn’t want her married to Mitsunari, who though regarded as an up-and-coming strategist, hadn’t proven himself yet. But I wondered if she would have otherwise been happy as a prize in her father’s plan to gain a powerful alliance. That was how things were done in this time – in fact, that kind of marriage would probably be better than being traded into a hostage union. Shohime likely had been raised to expect and accept this as her future.

Obviously, I had not been raised that way and instinctively, I wanted to help her. Yes, my job was to make sure she stayed away from Mitsunari… but she shouldn’t be stuck with a lecherous old man like her father either. I turned to Mai. “Has Shohime mentioned anything about the man her father plans to ally her with? Is it one of those old men over there?”

“It can’t be – she said he would be arriving tomorrow. And yes, he’s old… but when I asked ‘how old’ she said he was about Nobunaga’s age. Which I guess seems old to a seventeen-year-old, but…” she patted Nobunaga’s arm. “This one is definitely in his prime.” Then she looked over at Shohime, who was making a show of brave martyrdom. “Feeling guilty? Oh, what a tangled web we weave.”

It was unprincesslike, but I had to roll my eyes. “Don’t quote poets who have yet to be born. It took me years to train the twenty-first century idioms out of my speech pattern… oh, and by the way, avoid being alone with Mozumi if you can manage it.” I explained what happened with the pillow book.

“Ew.” Then she patted Nobunaga’s arm again. “So… which shelf were those books kept on? Nobunaga and I might find something … interesting to read.”

#TMI

“Did I hear you mention my name?” The man in question turned away from his conversation with Hideyoshi and smiled down at her. Whoa… even with the prior evidence of his punmanship, it was jarring to see how much he had changed from the stern, uncompromising man I had met in Osaka earlier this summer. Not that I didn’t think his stern, uncompromising side was gone… just… no longer his default.

“Okatsu and I were just discussing some of the books she found in the library,” Mai answered him with a giggle.

“My name came up?” He brushed a lock of hair out of her face.

“What kind of book?” Hideyoshi apparently didn’t even need to hear the conversation to leap to conclusions. Ok, his conclusion that the books were a bit… naughty… was correct, but it wasn’t as if I had sought them out.

I decided to just to yeet my way out of this conversation. Otherwise, I was certain he’d find something else to blame me for. “Mai thought some of them sounded like good bedtime reading.”

She whispered something in Nobunaga’s ear, and I looked away to give them at least the illusion of privacy. Hideyoshi too, turned his face from them – but before he did, I caught the flash of pain in his eyes. It was the look of a man who wanted what he could not have and hated himself for doing so.

He loves her too.

That didn’t explain, or excuse his attitude toward me, or his micromanaging ways, but it at least made him seem a little more human. No way would he appreciate that I’d clocked his feelings though, so I directed my focus on the man who was supposed to be the love of my life…

…just in time to see Mitsunari’s elbow heading for impact with his nearly empty soup bowl. I automatically shifted it out of the danger zone. Mitsunari froze and looked at my hand on his bowl. “Lady Okatsu, you do that a lot… am I correct?”

I didn’t pretend to misunderstand. “Honestly, it’s instinctive at this point… but would you prefer I didn’t?”

“I’d rather I didn’t make it necessary.” He shrunk into himself, his posture a portrait of dejection. Oh boy. Aside from the fact that we were supposed to look like we were enjoying each other’s company, I felt terrible for causing his distress.

From across the table, Hideyoshi gave me a ‘what did you do this time look.’ It was none of his business, so I ignored him and gave Mitsunari my full attention. Some people were just clumsy and there was no solution to that, but Masamune had told me that Mitsunari was an adaptive genius when it came to sword fighting. Maybe giving him a new way of thinking about things would be helpful. “Pretend your meal is a sparring match and your goal is not to come into any accidental contact with anything on the table.”

Sort of a ‘floor is lava’ thing, only with dishes.

He was quiet a moment, although I imagined the gears were whirring in his mind, then he gave me a smile of such brilliance that it made my heart hurt. “Thank you, Lady Okatsu. I will try that.”

After dinner, Hideyoshi took Mitsunari off to consult about something, leaving me with some unexpected free time. As much as I had come to like Mitsunari and the majority of the Azuchi warlords (the jury was still out on Hideyoshi and Mitsuhide), I wasn’t used to spending so much time in the company of others. So, I took a short stroll out to the stables to say hello to my horse.

I wasn’t the only one who had made the stables their destination. It looked like Hikosane had escaped his tutor or nurse or page or whoever was responsible for him most of the day. The kid was halfway to falling into the stall that housed Nobunaga’s horse.

“Careful there!” I helped Hikosane before he tipped right into the stall. Nobunaga’s horse was even-tempered, but… “No horse likes to be startled.”

Then I took a quick step back and bowed, because I had put my hands on him without permission. In this era, such an act could have resulted in a sentence of execution. Luckily, Hikosane was also even-tempered, with a rather adult like way of speaking, and he formally thanked me for my assistance. “Did you come from the banquet? Is it still going on?”

The eating was over. The drinking had barely begun. “Yes, and no, but most of the vassals and your father are still in there.”

He glanced over his shoulder to the main castle building. “That is good.” His demeanor switched back to child-like. “I don’t want to go to bed yet.”

I showed him that I had a handful of dried fruit. “Do you want to help me feed my horse? She’s not as impressive as Nobunaga’s mount, but she is sturdy and surefooted.”

Hikosane nodded, and the two of use made our way to Moonlight’s stall.

“She’s friendly.” Hikosane smiled as Moonlight, sensing the fruit, nudged him with her nose.

“Yes, usually she’s a nice horse, although she hates getting wet.” Moonlight could be a total bitch when it rained.

“I don’t like it either,” Hikosane confided. “I hate baths.”

“But… you wouldn’t get even with the person bathing you by dumping them in a mud puddle, would you?” Moonlight had done that to me on more than one occasion. “Moonlight would. And has.”

The boy laughed. He seemed like such a serious child that I was glad I had been able to provide him with a moment of amusement. “I like you, Lady Okatsu.”

“I like you too, Hikosane.” I wasn’t a huge fan of very small children, but they did tend to becoming interesting around age nine or ten.

There was a rustling from another stall – not one where there was a horse, and I caught a quick glimpse of long dark hair. Ah right. Mitsuhide had said he was sending Kyubei along. Well, I didn’t have much to report, but once Hikosane left, I’d let him know what was going on so far.

“Perhaps one day when I’m the Daimyo, I’ll marry you.” It was said with complete deadpan seriousness. Hikosane might just as easily have said, ‘maybe I’ll have fish for breakfast tomorrow.’

But.. uh, what?

“Hikosane, I’m already engaged. And by the time you’re old enough to marry, I will be too old, and you wouldn’t want me anyway.” However, I didn’t want to hurt the kid’s feelings, so I added, “And, I will be sad about that, then.”

“An engagement doesn’t mean a marriage.” Hikosane had returned to that mini-adult personality. “I believe that my father would break Shohime’s engagement if he could convince Nobunaga to take her as one of his wives. And it would be a good thing for her if that happened, because I do not like the man she is to marry.”

I filed away that last thing he said to think about later, because my brain had needle scratched on the Nobunaga part of the sentence. But before I could question him any further, a retainer came and bore Hikosane off to bed.

One…two…three…

Once I had completed a ten count, I directed my voice to the stall where Kyubei was hiding. “Did you get all that?”

His head popped up and he peered over the stable wall. “I would have had to have significant hearing loss to have missed it. Impressive accomplishment, Okatsu, to have received two marriage proposals in a month.”

The dark wig looked natural enough, but there was no disguising those amber eyes and the teasing in his voice. “Changed your mind about the situation, or were you and Kyubei always planning to switch places?” I would bet all of my money (not that I have much of it) that Hideyoshi didn’t know Mitsuhide was here.

“I needed Kyubei to be elsewhere.” He hopped out of the stall and leaned against a post. Heck, put a piece of straw between his teeth and he could easily pass as an extra in a western musical. Hm. An elegant extra.

Many questions were in my head, but those could wait. “Am I completely wrong in thinking that any overture from Mozumi advancing Shohime as a wife would receive a categorical no?” It was clear how much Nobunaga loved Mai, but that wouldn’t rule out a second wife. “I don’t see any advantage to it. Although I suppose he could offer exclusive rights to the silver mine.”

“He could. It wouldn’t be the wisest strategy.” Mitsuhide picked up a fallen piece of fruit and fed it to my horse. “I’ll investigate that further, as from what I’ve gathered from the servants, Mozumi’s not particularly intelligent, so any talk of aligning Shohime with Nobunaga is wishful thinking on his part.”

“His archives, is, as advertised, rather expansive, but I got the sense most of what is in there was collected by his father, and he only adds to it out of habit, not out of inclination or love of reading… except for a certain type of literature.” For the second time, I had to tell the story about Mozumi’s pillow books and his clumsy pass at me.

Unlike Mai, Mitsuhide kept his face expressionless as I described the incident, though once I finished the story, he reverted to teasing. “Not interested in those books yourself?” He raised his eyebrow at me (which annoyed me, as the single eyebrow raise was a skill I had attempted and failed to master).

“Princess Okatsu is above such things.” Whereas Katsuko… well, love took a back seat to not-dying. “And I ensured that Mozumi thought I was too stupid or naïve to understand.”

“I didn’t anticipate that you would have to put up with that sort of behavior – the Oda name ought to have been enough to protect you. I’ll give you a standard, Hideyoshi-style be careful warning, but will step back from any insinuation that you can’t handle him.” Then he spoiled that perfectly acceptable speech by adding, “hopefully better than you can handle intruders of the eight-legged variety.”

“Do I have permission to be insubordinate and tell you to shut up?” I swear by the time I left this gig, I would be remembered as The Girl with the Spider Tit-too.

He slanted a cool glance that told me not to push him too far. “I believe you just did.”

Turning the topic to more pressing issues, I asked, “Any new instructions? Or should I just continue to stay alert?”

“The latter for now. If you see anyone spinning lies, you may feel free to catch them in your web.” He then effectively ended the conversation by disappearing into that empty stall.

I stood there for a moment trying to come up with a capper pun to that, then gave up and headed back to the room, only to be stopped in my tracks by Hideyoshi. “Okatsu.” Aware that he preferred the formalities, I bowed to him. What did he want? “You shouldn’t be wandering around a strange castle at night. It’s not safe.”

“Oh. I was just checking on my horse.” As for the rest of his statement, I could take care of myself, but knew Hideyoshi would not appreciate that being pointed out. “I’m going back to our room now.”

“See that you do.” I’d half turned to continue on my way, when he called after me. “Mitsunari told me what happened with Mozumi. I’m sorry.”

“Why? It had nothing to do with you.” Unless he was apologizing on behalf of the entire male sex.

“You should never be subjected to unwanted attention.” He paused a moment, then clarified. “No one should.”

“You’re right, Lord Hideyoshi. Thank you.” I bowed again and hurried on my way. Hideyoshi and I might be socially incompatible, but I’d never questioned that underneath that bossy exterior, he was a good person.

When I finally reached the room (after a creepy trek up that dark staircase), Mitsunari was still awake, and reading (no surprise there). He apologized again for chasing the spider down my clothes.

Enough about the spider. “It’s ok. Really. I know it was an accident.” I tried to lighten things up a bit. “Could have been worse. Could have been a snake.” I retreated behind the screen to change into my night clothing.

“Are you afraid of snakes?” Mitsunari’s voice floated over the side of the screen.

“Only if they are poisonous. It was more that I was thinking a whole snake would have been pretty annoying in my clothes.” I tightened the sash on my kimono, imagined a snake in there and shuddered. Ok. I might be slightly more squicked out by snakes than spiders. They’re so… slithery.

After emerging from the screen, I dithered a moment over where to put my futon. I didn’t want to crowd Mitsunari (or myself, for that matter) but this room did not lock, so the potential of servants walking in and catching the engaged couple sleeping on opposite sides of the room was fairly high.

Eventually, I settled for placing my futon perpendicular to his, so that the tops met at the corner. Our heads would be near, but there was no danger of one of us accidentally rolling onto the other, or, more likely, me kicking him while I tossed and turned.

Mitsunari had stopped reading to watch me. I nearly asked him if he was ok with this set up, but he’d already expressed dismay the last time I asked. If he had a problem, he would have to tell me. Instead, I told him about finding Mitsuhide in the stables.

“Did he explain why?” Mitsunari did that instant change to tactician.

Hm, he hadn’t. He’d only explained why Kyubei was not there. “No. Simply that he’d originally planned to send Kyubei, but that he needed Kyubei to go somewhere else.”

“It is always a good idea to have an undisclosed agent in reserve if you are unsure of your territory.” He watched as I arranged my blanket and crawled into my futon. “Are you going to sleep now? Should I blow out the lantern?”

“If you want to keep reading, go ahead. It likely won’t make any difference.” Insomnia is an evil bitch. I got as comfortable as I could.

Mitsunari elected to blow out the light and the room was instantly pitch black. It was cloudy outside, but even if it had been a bright moonlit night, very little light would come through the tiny slitted windows. In the dark, it seemed like every noise was multiplied tenfold. I could hear Mitsunari settling in his bedding, the soft inhale and exhale of his breathing, as well as other further away, household noises, like the building settling into the ground, and the padding of footsteps outside. I listened to those steps, as they went past our door without slowing or pause, so, likely a servant or someone heading to their own room.

As the night lengthened, Mitsunari’s breathing became slow and even and I used its metronomic quality to relax into my own slumber…

How much time has passed? It was as dark as ever … my knees and elbows bumped against the side of the crate. My nose was centimeters from the lid. Yeah, I really needed to move around. I grabbed the latch and –

The lid didn’t budge.

I tried the latch again, and again. No, it was unlatched, but the lid wasn’t moving. It was like there was something on top of the… another crate maybe? I pushed on the lid harder, but I couldn’t move it. That’s when I started kicking.

Nothing.

My breath started to come out in sobs – was I trapped in here? How many crates was my crate under? How long would it be before someone came to get them? If I screamed, would anyone hear me?

My throat constricted…

Time passed – I lost track. I phased in an out of nightmare filled dreams and dreams of rescues that became living nightmares when I woke up again and faced the emptiness and the dark and the walls. I could sense the weight of the other crates pushing on the top and the sides of this one, shrinking it… in moments, it would collapse in upon itself, upon me and-

I woke myself up with a gasp of choked air, that followed the receding nightmare. The same one. The crate. The dark. The walls pressing in. It regularly visited me and loved taking advantage of nights when I was in an unfamiliar room. Reflexively, I reached out to reassure myself that I was surrounded by air, not walls.

“Okatsu? Is anything wrong?” Mitsunari’s half-awake question floated to me like a fresh breeze.

You are not alone.

“I’m fine. Sorry. Did I wake you up?” Hopefully I hadn’t talked, or worse, screamed in my sleep. That would be humiliating.

“Yes, but I don’t mind. Did you have a nightmare?” There was a rustle of fabric, then his voice sounded closer. He must have rolled onto his side to face me. “This is why you don’t sleep?”

How can he be so absentminded, and yet forget nothing?

Well, I was awake, and I don’t know, something about the soft darkness, and the sense of his gentle presence by my head made it easier to talk about things I’d normally deflect. “A few years ago, I got trapped in a crate for a day and I still have nightmares about that.” Not that I hadn’t already been a terrible sleeper, but that experience had made it worse.

Another rustle from Mitsunari then I felt his hand on the top of my head, patting me as if I were his cat. It was weird for a moment, then soothing, and I scooted closer and went with it.

“I’m sad that happened to you.” Mitsunari took a breath, then added, in his typical mix of curiosity and ignorance of conventional conversational boundaries. “Why were you stuck in a crate? Was it too small? I once got my hand stuck in Nobunaga’s candy jar.”

The image of Mitsunari blundering around with a jar stuck to his hand was a momentary distraction. “Was he upset?” I’d barely spent any time with the man, and even I knew how much he loved konpieto.

“No. Hideyoshi started using bigger jars, which resulted in more candy, so Nobunaga said he was pleased with my strategy.” Those fingers, no longer stuck in a jar, were still rhythmically stroking my hair, and the tension began to unravel and seep out of my limbs. “Why were you stuck in the crate?”

Right. I hadn’t answered him the first time. “It’s kind of a long story. It was part of a plan to rescue my brother, but things went wrong.” Horribly wrong. “Or I thought it was part of a plan to rescue my brother, but apparently it was actually a plan to get me out of the way, or even kill me… and no I don’t know why, but if I ever find the person who shut me in there, that’s one of the questions I plan to ask him.” Prior to killing him.

“This is why you like being outside or near windows, isn’t it?” Once again, he surprised me by making an unusually (for him) perceptive observation. I’d tried not to be obvious about my preference for the outdoors and being near windows, but I suppose Mitsunari had been paying more attention to me. For the sake of the masquerade, of course.

“Yes. That’s-” My response was interrupted by a yawn.

“Maybe you can sleep better now?” His voice was soft and kind – a security blanket in the night.

“I’ll try.” I closed my eyes again, this time not seeing the walls of the crate, but the memory of Mitsunari’s calm amethyst gaze. “Thank you.”

“You are welcome Okatsu.” Mitsunari had kept his hand in my hair, and the last sensation I remember before drifting off was that peaceful, gentle touch on my scalp.

@lorei-writes @bestbryn @lyds323 @katriniac @briars7

[vizthedatum]

recalibrating people-pleaser (2024)

I used to be really soft and forgiving Muttering "I'm sorry" for all my supposed sinning

I gave an enormous benefit of the doubt I wanted to be friendly no matter the route

I didn't know how much resentment lay inside I pushed all my sadness and anger aside

People usually liked my nature Until I wronged something major

I apologized and wanted to fix it all No matter the cost, no matter how small

People were trying their best with what they had It's not like they wanted to be mad

But I watched as I got hurt without repent My needs and thoughts brought so much dissent

I didn't always know how to be direct When I tried, I was faced with neglect

The little hurts, the big hurts - really, all of it Peacekeeping only goes as far as people want it

The apology and the changing behavior program Only works when I am being true to who I am

Now, I'm speaking up more about my needs I am discerning of people's deeds…

When did I become someone who gave up on people anyway? I love people; I don't want them to go away

But the more I accept what I can't handle I see myself becoming more substantial

I am now more selective of those in my life And I find myself with health, strength, and less strife

My close ones tell me that I'm not that upsetting But my initial attempts at advocacy were offputting

I've upset people with my unrelenting rejection I said unnecessary words borne of disconnection

I've hurt people by turning them away Because I felt as if it was too painful for them to stay

Not repairing relationships can cause pain Yet I am doing it over and over again

Still, I don't regret letting people go They weren't helping me grow

I'm getting better at being able to release I'm thankful for the lessons in forgiveness and peace

But I look back to my soft past self, now obsolete, And I wonder, am I still lovely and sweet?

--

- Rose the artist formerly known as she her Pri ~ গোলাপ্রী

[stargirlfeyre]

“Azriel may be boring as shit but at least he never went after someone who was actively treating Feyre like shit. At least the Archeron he’s going after is actually working to fix her relationship with Feyre. Cassian went for someone who was still treating his friend like dog shit and I just can’t respect that.” ALL OF THIS

i’m always hesitant to say this bc some ppl are super sensitive when it comes to cassian for some funny reason (all the other boys are able to be criticized but not him bc he can be funny?) but part of why i don’t like him as much as azriel is because of how he went for nesta too early on, it was super premature for him to come onto her so blatantly in front of everyone even when she was mortal and he’d literally just met her, knowing how feyre was treated etc…i adore cassian when i don’t look at his character too closely. as much as i prefer feyssian over feyzriel because of her and cassian having more sweet bestie moments than her and az do, whenever there’s a discussion i’ll always choose az first because of cassian and nesta. like anon said i can’t help but put myself in feyre’s shoes when i’m reading but i don’t like that he came onto nesta the way he did and how soon he did, and he had no shame about it in front of feyre and the rest.

i know some people are super chill or they have sisters or family members that cross these lines all the time, like your friend flirting with your sister, but in my family or friend groups we don’t do that especially if a sister is really mean to me, why would i approve of my friend going for her so blatantly in front of me? it’s not so much a harsh or possessive petty thing but just basic morale? cassian imo doesn’t get enough flack for how he came onto nesta so soon. it’s true too that at least az didn’t show any signs of having a crush until acowar and acofas, i prefer someone humbly and respectfully handling a crush on my sister than how in your face cassian was about it with nesta in only book two. idk sometimes it feels like his dick thinks for him and even acosf proved that.

i prefer acowar cassian! but i also skip the pages whenever he’s acting out over nesta or they’re both being angst ridden for one another, i just can’t take it seriously bc he was obv thinking with his dick or mating bond and she was still treating everyone like they were less than her despite her being a pos who has never done anything.

idk 😮‍💨 like i said it’s so easy to love cass as a character when you don’t look at his dynamic with nesta from feyre’s shoes in book two. i imagine mainly feyre stan’s struggle with him due to his attachment to nesta so early on. that bonus chapter anon mentioned where cassian put his body up against nesta’s asking whether she was a virgin or not? he’d only recently met her and was doing that, it being too soon aside, it was very inappropriate to do. even mor made it clear that he acts that way with women when they don’t want him and see’s it as “a challenge” just 10 reasons why az and rhysand will always come off as the most mature to me.

the other reasons i don’t favor him have to do with sjm having him refer to nesta as a queen in acosf, him always showing doubt with the ic’s decisions in acosf as if he’s not apart of the ic (why did he seem so against them in acosf at times? most of the time they were right too so it was just weird for sjm to do) saying nesta didn’t need to apologize to anyone supposedly (really sjm? 💀) having sex with nesta on a hike where she was supposed to own up to her wrongs and mature after she just told feyre she could die (inappropriate timing much..?) acting funny when rhysand felt the need to tell her to be nice to gwyn and emerie when he knows damn well rhysand isn’t at the house of wind like them to know nesta’s behavior had gotten better. how the hell would rhysand know that nesta’s not being mean to him when rhysand’s only ever seen her be rude af to everyone..? and then made it even worse when he petulantly wrapped his arm around nesta to make rhysand feel uncomfortable.

•

[cabeswaterdrowned]

emily fields!

Emily Fields

okay the numbering on this looks very weird because I kept having to use extra spaces to get around the words per block of text limit and I’m kind of out of patience to fix it to look better lol so apologies but here is what I wrote for the meme

three facts about them from my personal headcanons: 1. This is going off the canon detail that she really likes horror films but I like to think she developed that interest kind of alongside the A stuff happening (since I think it’s established in the middle seasons). And that she views them kind of in a Dru Blackthorn esque fashion where they’re less scary than her normal life and that makes them comforting in a way.. I don’t have an hc for what her favorite horror movie is because as we know I suck at watching films so I don’t feel like I have enough to go off even though when I do get myself to watch movies I do like horror … I do think she would watch yellowjackets and her favs would be Jackie and Nat and Van <3. And she has a love hate relationship with Shauna. 2. She and Mona made out in 2x19 during their secret rendezvous in the principle’s office to get the blackmail info. Because it pleases me to think that <3. 3. I think she has major abandonment issues between Alison and Maya dying and her dad’s constant absences and then his death post jump and I think it effects the way she approaches relationships throughout the series a lot.

a reason they suck: she can be prideful and stubborn and has commitment issues for days but I adore all those things about her tbh <3. In terms of things that really do bother me though her reaction when learning Maya is bi … really not good you could chalk it up to Pll writers biphobia and that would be true but I also do think there’s something there about ideas Emily’s internalized from growing up with Pam’s views combined with Alison’s behavior to her pre series that’s not an excuse for it just imo a possible explanation that makes sense for the character and her judgements.

a reason they are great: I mean there’s obvious stuff like her being a really kind and loyal and compassionate person and I do love all those things about her but they are pretty obvious so I won’t delve hardcore into explaining them, she’s a really good person. But I see there are being a lot more to her character at least from my perspective. She’s also a character who starts out with a lot of drive and ambition while it’s of a very different type to say Spencer or Aria or Mona’s ambition and she’s characterized as much quieter about it, and who deals with a lot of repressed anger as the series goes on and she experiences a lot of trauma which speaks to me in chars (don’t know what that says about me lol) and can be vmessy in an understated way that I generally enjoy… I love how hateful she gets sometimes lmao like they say she’s the sweet one but she can be fucking savage when a situation calls for it and I love that, there are small petty moments when she’s in a fight with someone that are really fun and then more serious examples with people who absolutely deserve her anger one of the best moments for this being put to use to it’s full potential when she’s the one to go up to Ezra in 4b after the 4x20 reveal to Aria and give him that speech that ends with “and can you make sure a real teacher gets this” I love herrr. Also love that she is a himbo lesbian icon tbh she’s so charming about it <3. She’s so charming in general… I love her

a reason I relate to them: oh I can relate to a fair amount about Emily lol a lot of her feelings about her sexuality in s1 are very real when I think of my teenage self or even my right now self, some things about her family life (in the show not in the books, book! Emily’s family life is… next level terrible omg one thing I am glad the show changed up dramatically). And I have some similar personality traits. I kind of can relate to specific facets of all the main Pll girls except Hanna and Alison in some way but Spencer and Emily the most I’d say

(what I consider to be) the top tier otp/ot3 for that character: ultimately Spencer/Emily has my heart the most although I do ship her with pretty much every woman of the main cast lol. But Spemily rules imo and it’s so my cup of tea dynamically (chars who seem like opposites (how Spencer is seen as uptight and a leader while Emily is seen as mellow and sweet) but are more similar when you look closely (at how they’re both perfectionists to please their family in different ways, leaders, fiercely loyal, stubborn prideful and competitive, that moment where Spencer says that she can see Emily is ambitious enough to want the team captain position as much or more than Paige does is such a great moment to me because of course Spencer would be the one to see that in Emily…), chars who clash intensely because of those traits but are also very tender with each other in moments that really count and have a lot of mutual respect) also ngl a factor is they’re both sooo pretty all the women on this show are gorgeous but they’re just insanely hot … and then for the ot3 a few dynamics have their moments but most consistently fun and interesting to watch for me is Spencer x Emily x Alison <33. I’ve mentioned before that I’m obsessed with the framing of Spencer and Emily clashing over different views of Ali in 4b and also late s1… also have made jokes before about how much Spencer hates all Emily’s girlfriends lmao (hate is an oversimplification because Spalison’s dynamic is very complex but. When it comes to Emily she doesn’t play lol). That’s specifically show-wise though books wise Emaria is my favorite ship for her I adored the way their friendship was depicted and it had shippy vibes a lot of the time, I ship them in the show too and when they get to interact one on one usually enjoy it a lot but it’s clear the writers didn’t care to focus on their individual dynamic as much as others, which is a shame. Tabby&Imogen’s dynamic on pllos actually to me is more similar to book Emaria in some respects…and I was into the Aria x Courtney x Emily stuff in Ali’s Pretty Little Lies and found that compelling.

five things that never happened to that character that I believe should have happened: 1. consistently go to a therapist who isn’t just the liars counselor as much as I like Dr. Sullivan (this one would be the first for every liar) 2. She should have had an actual arc post time jump around grieving her dad… it’s absolutely criminal that we just get that scene of her at Wayne’s grave (which is one of Shay’s best scenes on the show imo) and a little lip service done to it in the first couple of episodes but not even a flashback to his funeral… a million Haleb Spaleb Spoby flashbacks a Jaria flashback but not one to one of your leads losing a parent it’s not an exact comparison because anti-blackness specifically was a different factor with how Bonnie was treated in TVD but since I just got to her dad’s introduction in my rewatch and it’s on my mind could kind of draw a parallel to how her losing a parent was a peripheral plot, we saw her reaction in one scene and then moved on to other magical factors involved with her being stuck on the other side vs Elena’s grief about her parents and Caroline’s arc around losing her mom in s6. Like it is telling that on both shows it’s the WoC who doesn’t get the same space for her storyline (different factors again because anti blackness re: Bonnie and homophobia in Pll but .. you get it). But anyway, post jump sets her up as being a much less put together char than pre jump Emily with the dropping out of school and not telling anyone etc. so delving into how unstablized she feels, the ways she might want to emulate her dad (I do think that shows up but not in a very intentional way) and actually letting us see the flashbacks to how this impacted her relationships instead of being told. I actually have had an idea for a while about a fic I’d like to write about this but haven’t felt like I had the time to actually write it although this is making me think about it/want to go back to it again… 3. I don’t think this is controversial Maya should not have died, and Emily’s love life… well that could have gone in different directions and I would have been happy she and Maya could’ve broken up for a while then gotten back together post time jump, or they could have done Emison but actually committed to exploring what’s interesting about Emison instead of the milquetoast end of series Emison, or both of those, if we’re sticking with her canon li’s. I’m not a huge fan of Paily but I wouldn’t necessarily want it to not exist because I think there is some interesting narrative stuff there about what it means to Emily to be Paige’s Alison, for want of a better word. But I do think a lot of their relationship content isn’t that interesting and would have liked it to not be the big ticket ship/soo prominent just based on personal preference. And I would have gotten rid of.. maybe not every girlfriend of the week because I do like that Emily’s a ladykiller but most of them were flops so I’d have gotten rid of a lot of them and/or made them less prevalent. And if I had full creative control I obviously would have wanted her to date Spencer or Hanna or Mona but that also goes more into things I’d change for the other liars so I didn’t include it here 4) her s3 arc (if Maya still dies) should have actually gotten to be about her grieving Maya and how that coincides with A trauma (especially given how brutal she got it in s2 between the carbon monoxide barn and the ointment-induced ulcer and everything, and Mona didn’t kill Maya/isn’t responsible for that but it happened in the same spiral) and not about the Nate mystery… and if there was going to be a plot about transference in grief (which I could totally be on board for!) it should have been with someone who wasn’t Nate… 5) no egg donation mystery plot that leads to weird rapey Emison baby plot … I realize like 4 of those were very obvious things that didn’t merit much explantation and one I ranted about a lot.

five people that character never fell in love with and why: I’ll go with the assumption that she’s only ever been in love with Maya Ali and Paige (yeah I think she did love Paige even if it was maybe a less intense type of love for her than some others and even if it isn’t my favorite dynamic outside of enjoying it as part of a psuedo triangle with Spencer or Ali at different points) when writing this out 1. Spencer - They do clash a lot, I think it would take the right situation for them to have a more stable approach to their dynamic. Alternately I could also see them in a totally unstable situation and getting together in the worst way possible and I would probably love it xd. 2. Hanna — I feel like they could have easily fallen in love if you removed other factors like their other li’s and separated dramas, even though Spemily is my favorite singular ship dynamic I do think Hanna and Emily are ultimately most compatable. 3. Mona — in another life… but in this one they’re too fixated on their blondes. They do have great chemistry the rare times they interact one on one imo and I do choose to believe they made out in 2x19 and that also contributes (aside from the other totally valid reasons) to Emily’s extreme hostility towards her later lol. 4. Jenna - Emily is consistently the most hostile to Jenna out of all the girls which I find interesting (Aria is consistently the most receptive/compassionate towards her which is interesting to me for different reasons) part of it is because she gets close to Toby before anyone I also think Emily is a prideful person who deeply dislikes feeling guilty (even though she has a guilt complex about a lot of things) so Jenna is a sore spot for her. I did always think their actresses had chemistry though. 5. Sara - I mean… there was very little there for me to dig into tbh but ultimately I think Emily saw Sara as a project to fix and needed that post dollhouse because she prefers to be the caretaker, and that’s how I view the relationship/why Emily was so into her when she’s… quite a blank slate before the reveal she’s evil lol. I also think there was potential for some interesting stuff about transference from Ali to Sara but it’s not really in the text especially since Sara doesn’t act much like Ali despite having a similar backstory.

thank you for asking!

[starkid256]

can i rant about how bad 2023 is for me rq?

ok so in the first couple of months of 2023 i was doing great. new year new me amiright. i was chillin on the crk wiki n shit and i wasnt doing very well in school but what can you do the us education system is flawed and nothing can fix it. i made a contest for people to draw strawberry crepe cuz that was the rage and all. once the deadline hit, i was ready to make the prizes.

i hit the biggest fucking roadblock in my life.

i just got hit with the worst burnout and depression i have ever had in my life. it took 11-12 days to write something with 1k words. this depression is still there. it pains me to even attempt to draw or write or anything. whatever, depression like this is very common. eventually, i moved on from the crk wiki and went to comic studio.

oh. comic studio. where do i begin?

to start off, if you dont already know, comic studio is a website to share comics. shocker i know. i met some friends on here from there. some of my moots i met from cs. and yet, it was the worst thing that ever happened to me. there was drama left and right, mainly centering some specific sensitive users that ive blocked on here, there were people sending death threats and threatening to kill themselves every day. and i desperately told them that their lives had value. all of this drama and suicide baiting was absolutely murdering my mental health in cold blood, so when i broke my kindle screen, i had an episode where i nearly killed myself. no one saw. not anyone irl, not anyone online except for a friend who didnt take it seriously. i didnt really draw too much attention to it anyways. btw, all of this was happening while my dad ran off with my now stepmom and was dumb enough to put himself into a mentally abusive relationship. my mom, who i live with, hates those two so much. also my stepmom is queerphobic and has internalized conservativity.

i got tumblr as soon as i got my first phone, near the start of june. i love tumblr with all my heart, but it fucking murders your mental health nearly just as bad as cs. i mean, what do you expect from a website that makes you think that all the problems of the world are your fault? i have met great people here, but it still fucking sucks.

the real nail in the coffin was when a user on comic studio (who i have now blocked on tumblr) made a half baked shitty "callout post" on me. i will say, i did do something wrong that i apologized for afterwards, but everything else was past drama that they brought up even though i had already apologized for all of it. i apologized, and decided that i should leave comic studio. and so i did. keep in mind that all of this has been happening while my main family (which means excluding my dad and step mom) lives paycheck to paycheck.

now flash forward to the present. im on my phone for 14 hours a day on average laying on the couch scrolling through tumblr and watching youtube and playing roblox wishing i was dead. i have no one to blame for this behavior but myself. i would hope that the rest of 2023 is ok, but i already know i will have a horrible rest of the year. yeah this was a rly big rant. ily guys and i hope your 2023 was better than mine.

[deepspacedukat]

Manners

Goddammit, I’ve got the brainrot real bad. He’s a fucked up evil rich man, but... ✨p r e t t y ✨... Anyway, hopefully writing this quickie drabble will get it out of my system. We all know that’s not how it works, but why not try? It’s not like writing about him will make it worse, right? ...R-Right?

I’ll get back to requests, I promise. But my brain needed to get this out first.

Cross-posted to AO3 here.

~*~

Shepard Lambrick (Would You Rather) x Reader

[A/N: Idk, I should probably explain myself, but...I don’t wanna, so I won’t.]

Warnings: Language, Julian being a spoiled brat, Shepard being a gentleman, mild flirting.

~*~

In my defense, it had been a long week. I was tired and only vaguely paying attention to where I was walking on my way home from work. Before I had even registered that there was someone in my path, I’d rounded a corner, collided with them, and was wearing their very hot coffee in short order. As I stammered apologies, an angry snarl came from the other person.

“Are you fucking blind? You clumsy, brainless little–” The young man in a suit looked as though he was about to haul off and hit me.

“Julian, be quiet! I’m sure it was an accident. Mind your manners. There’s no need to use such language, especially around a lady,” an older gentleman silenced the young man who’d been shouting so indignantly. He was the more immaculately dressed of the two, and if I had to take a guess, I’d say he was his father. Both their appearances practically screamed how blue their blood was. The older man gave me a smile and placed a careful hand on my upper arm. “I’m so sorry for my son’s abhorrent lack of manners, Miss. Are you alright?”

“I...Yes, sir. I’m fine. I really am sorry, though. At least let me pay for a new coffee,” I offered, but the kinder of the two simply shook his head.

“That won’t be necessary, I assure you.” His son scoffed beside him and was immediately given a stern glare. “My name is Shepard Lambrick, and my ill-tempered son, who you’ve already met, is Julian.”

After a polite smile from the man and a roll of his son’s eyes, I introduced myself as well. Shepard repeated my name quietly before lifting my hand to his lips like an old-fashioned gentleman might have.

“It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance, though I wish it had been under better circumstances. Julian, why don’t you run along back to the car and wait with Bevans while I rectify this situation?” With a muttered ‘whatever,’ the two of us were left alone. Suddenly, Mr. Lambrick’s gaze felt slightly more weighted. Under the intense scrutiny of his striking brown eyes, I was acutely aware of the rapidly-cooling coffee staining the front of my work uniform. The cold breeze swirling through the town didn’t work in my favor as I struggled to contain a shiver. “Now, my dear, what can I do to make up for my son’s behavior?”

“Mr. Lambrick, there’s no need. Really, I’m fine.” My protests fell on deaf ears as he tutted quietly.

“I can’t in good conscience allow this to pass without doing something to fix it. My honor would be sullied if I let such a lovely young lady walk away without restitution for the embarrassment my son has caused,” he said, and with a blink I realized that his fingers were still wrapped gently but firmly around mine. “I could have your clothes cleaned, or buy you replacements?”

“That won’t be necessary. Tomorrow is laundry day anyway. There’s no harm done.”

“Then perhaps I can at least treat you to dinner tomorrow evening?” This time he sounded genuinely hopeful. “And before you give me some exceedingly kind demurral, I assure you it would be my pleasure to share your company. Please?”

He seemed so genuine. I had only just met him, but...well, I supposed there was no harm in a dinner invitation.

“Mr. Lambrick–”

“Please, call me Shep,” he said giving my hand a little squeeze. His brow furrowed momentarily and he pulled off his suit jacket, draping it around my shoulders. “Where are my manners? I completely forgot how cold it can get this time of year. As for dinner, I promise you’ll enjoy it. What do you say?”

I’d never been on the receiving end of such a gentlemanly gesture. Being careful not to allow his obviously expensive suit touch the stained part of my clothing, I savored the warmth embedded in the fabric. Even the cologne clinging to the material smelled expensive. Who the hell was Mr. Lambrick, anyway? Just like that, curiosity made up my mind for me.

“...Alright. Sure. That sounds...really nice, actually.” It had been a long time since I’d had a meal that I hadn’t cooked myself. At my acceptance, a large, warm smile spread across his lips.

Oh no, he was actually quite attractive.

“Wonderful! Splendid! Give this number a call at your earliest convenience - it’s my driver’s - and I’ll make arrangements for him to pick you up,” he said releasing my hand just long enough to hand me a business card. “I very much look forward to seeing you tomorrow, my dear.”

He pressed a soft kiss onto the back of my hand, and as he began to walk away I paused.

“What about your jacket?”

“Keep it. I have plenty of other suits,” Shepard said tossing me a wink before continuing on his way.

[casspurrjoybell-28]

Alpha's Temptation - Chapter 23

*Warning Adult Content*

My days in suspension are miserable.

I can't sleep properly.

I don't feel like eating anything.

The room gets messier and messier as the days drag on.

I can't even bring myself to get out of bed and go shower.

Lucien says he's worried for me.

He came and apologized to me for yelling and saying those things but the damage is already done.

I continue to feel hostile towards him for not letting me explain what happened with Trent.

And now that he's not angry anymore, I don't even have the energy to argue my side.

I just want to give up.

Being grounded doesn't really upset me.

I don't have the will to leave my room anyway.

My friends text me that they'll help me sneak out but as much as I love them, they're not who I want to be with right now.

Daemon's still not allowed to see me and Lucien has been keeping him busy on missions from dawn to nightfall to make sure of that.

Lucien says it's for the best, which makes me resentful.

I hunger for Daemon's presence, the way I feel around him.

When he comes by the house to meet with Lucien I secretly look at him out the window through the curtains.

I find him looking too, a grim look on his face.

I wish he longed for me like I long for him. 

The nightmares also get worse.

When I'm able to sleep, I'm haunted by my stepfather's wrath.

Or Henry's.

Even when I'm awake, I'm held captive by the horrible memories, my mind forcing me to recall the specific things Alpha Ferix did to me.

Dangling a knife over my ankles, threatening to cut off my feet if I try to leave the house.

Holding my face down in a tub of water as a punishment for stealing an apple from the kitchen.

The screams of my mother I heard while under the water, trying to get him to stop.

Letting his friends use me as an ashtray when they came over to drink, pressing their lit cigarettes butts into my skin.

It makes me feel so nauseous, so disgusting.

I look at myself in the mirror and refuse to accept that it's me I'm looking at.

That's not me.

That can't be me.

That thing doesn't even look like a person.

It looks like a shell of one, with hollowed-out eyes and a disfigured, bony body.

I hate him so much, that boy in the mirror.

In the midst of my depressive episode, Lucien comes to see me after I've turned away the third meal of the day, refusing to eat.

"Why aren't you eating?" he asks me as I lie in bed, turned away from him.

"I'm not hungry."

"You're a growing teenager. You need to eat."

I don't reply.

I don't care that I'm growing.

"Ash, I think you need to see a doctor. This behavior... it isn't normal."

I clutch my arms tighter around me, curling into myself.

The thought of leaving the comfort of my room for some stranger to evaluate me sounds terrible.

Am I becoming a burden to him?

Is that why he wants someone to fix me?

"You think I'm not normal?"

"No, no, that's not what I meant," Lucien tries to explain.

"I... I just want you to get better. But I don't think I'm the best person to help you do that."

I hate the way he's speaking to me.

Like I'm a charity case or a sensitive child.

I glare at the wall, chest tightening. 

"Maybe I don't want to get better," I say, my voice coming out as barely a whisper.

"What was that?"

"I said, maybe I don't want to get better."

I sit up to face him, my voice rising along with my distress.

"Maybe I just want to waste away in here, rot and die," I finish, my chest heaving. 

Lucien is quiet, looking at me with sad eyes.

The expression he has makes me want to cry.

"You don't mean that. Please, Ash. Please, my boy. Let me take you to see someone, okay? If you don't like it, we can leave immediately."

My resolve crumbles at the desperateness in his voice, my eyes welling up with tears.

"You promise?"

"Of course. I promise."

The next day, Lucien takes me to the psychiatrist.

I'm a bundle of nerves as we check-in, waiting for me to be called.

The lady assigned to me is very friendly, an Omega as well so I feel comfortable.

She asks me a few seemingly normal questions about my sleeping and eating habits.

I tell her I don't like sleeping and that I have no appetite.

She asks me if I have any idea why and I lie, telling her I don't.

She talks with me for a while, even making me fill out this long virtual survey on an iPad she hands me.

I try my best to be honest.

I know Lucien's paying for this so I don't want it to be a complete bust.

Then she calls Lucien back in.

She tells him my diagnosis, prescribing an array of medications for my anxiety and depression.

Wow, I must have a lot of problems if I need that many pills.

"The medication can help, of course,but a mate will be a much more effective treatment for PTSD like his," she says.

If only I had a mate.

But someone like me wouldn't have one.

"I see..." Lucien scratches at his chin, appearing deep in thought. 

I'm kind of zoned out as we leave the office, not really registering what just happened.

I feel numb.

This whole day has been weird.

I can't wait to go back home.

It's nighttime and I'm in bed again, in a simple black hoodie and shorts, laying over the covers.

I stare lifelessly at the array of orange pill bottles that sit on my desk.

I should probably hide them in the bathroom cabinet so my friends don't see them when they come over.

I'm too tired to get up and do it now, though.

I let my eyes flutter closed, letting the hoots of the owls outside lull me to sleep.

That is, until the hoots are interrupted by a loud tap.

It sounds like something hard was thrown against my window.

I quickly jump up, going over to investigate.

I've had a fear of the window lately.

But it's locked.

I can just look and I'll still be safe.

And it was probably just a falling pinecone.

So I pull back the curtain, nearly fainting from fright when I see the silhouette of a human figure right outside, a large hand pressing against the window.

I'm about to scream for Lucien when I realize who it is.

My heart soars and I quickly unlock the window for Daemon, opening it up to let him inside.

He stands on the roof slat just under my window, dressed in his usual all black.

"Y-you scared me to death, Daemon. How did you get up here?" I ask as he climbs in with a grunt, dusting his hands off on his dark jeans.

"I scaled the wall," he shrugs like it's nothing, taking a seat on my bed and I stand before him.

I gawk at him, wondering how he managed such a feat.

I mean, my room is on the second floor.

I wring my hands nervously as we lock eyes, realizing how I must look like utter shit.

"U-uh, I look terrible right now," I say, my hands going to hide my face. "I wasn't expecting..."

But Daemon grabs my hands in his to stop me.

"You don't, Ash. That hasn't even crossed my mind."

I flush at the contact, his skin hot against mine.

I can't help but want more.

"Okay..."

I'm at a loss for words.

Why is he here?

Didn't Lucien ban him from seeing me?

Daemon's eyes flicker to something behind me so I follow his gaze, my stomach dropping as I spot the medication on my desk.

"Oh, th-those are..." I slip my hands from his grip, rushing over to grab them and block them from his view.

I try to scoop them up in my arms so I can go put them somewhere, just anywhere where he can't see them,but the bottles slip from my grasp and loudly clatter to the floor.

"Shit."

I feel my face get hot and I bend over, quickly scrambling to pick them up.

"Shit."

But then Daemon is next to me, gently grabbing my arm to refrain me from picking up the bottles.

"Ash, stop," he says.

"But I-I don't want you to..." my voice cracks and I'm mortified as I start to cry.

Why do I always have to fucking cry in front of him?

"Hey, hey," Daemon pulls me off the floor, looping his arms under my waist and knees as he lifts me, carrying me to the bed.

"What's wrong?" he asks as he sets me down, his arm around me.

The question and the tenderness of his actions have me breaking down.

"I don't want you to think I'm a freak..." I start to sob against his shoulder.

"Why would I think that?"

"B-because Lucien took me to the psychiatrist today and I'm-I'm not normal. M-my brain is all messed up inside," I confess, grasping his shirt tightly.

"And they put you on meds?" Daemon's voice is gentle, so unlike his usual tone.

His hand is rubbing up and down my back, which calms me down a little.

I nod, another round of tears welling up as I try to speak.

"I'm just so scared, Daemon. That there's something wrong with me."

"Look at me, Ash," Daemon's hands cup my face and lift it to face him, his dark eyes holding my gaze.

"Look at me,"I bite my lip, reluctantly staying put as I let him see my tear-stained face, hoping I don't look too repulsive to him.

"There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. So you're going through some shit up here," he taps my head lightly. "But that's not your fault. That's your response to what's happened to you so don't ever blame yourself."

"B-but what if other people don't see it that way?" I sniffle.

"Who gives a fuck what they think? Everyone has their own shit, whether they're willing to admit it or not."

"Even you?"

"Have you seen the way I act? Especially me," Daemon says humorously, a grin twitching on his lips as I giggle softly in response.

I feel so much better already, like a weight's been lifted off my chest.

Just being in his presence lights me up inside.

"There it is," he says. "I missed that pretty smile of yours."

Daemon's eyes twinkle, taking my small hand in his large one.

I blush, butterflies exploding in my stomach.

His hands are rough and worn from hard labor, they feel so strange on my soft ones.

Not that I don't like it.   

"W-what?" I squeak. "You're lying."

I look away, not able to take the compliment.

"I'm not," he denies but I know it's too good to be true.

"Come on, Daemon," I reluctantly pull my hand out of his.

"Nothing about me is pretty. Don't make fun of me."

Daemon sighs in slight aggravation, running a hand through his hair.

"You think I came all the way here, at midnight, climbed the roof, just to make fun of you?"

"T-then why are you being so nice to me? Y-you hated me when I first came here and I still don't know how you feel about me. I don't know anything..."

But then he's reaching for me, pulling me into a crushing embrace.

At first, I'm startled, my words drying up on my tongue as I wonder what's come over him.

But his embrace is so warm and strong and touching him just feels so good that I can't help but melt into it.

I throw my arms around his neck, burying my face in the crook of it as he holds me.

"Ash," he breathes, his voice so compassionate I don't recognize it.

"I don't hate you. I could never hate you."

Like the crybaby I am, I'm tearing up again and clutching onto him for dear life.

"Then hold me. Stay with me. Don't go."

"I won't," he promises, softly stroking my hair. "I'm not going anywhere."

I cling to him for the longest time, even as he lies us down on the pillows and pulls the covers over me so I won't be cold.

I don't let go because I don't want him to leave again and not be able to see him for who knows how long.

To leave me all alone for the dark thoughts that plague me to come creeping back in.

I hate being deprived of him, his rugged handsomeness, his teasing smirks, his touches that set my heart aflame. 

Curled up against him in the comfy bed, head on his firm chest as he holds me, I'm so at ease, despite being in such a vulnerable position.

Because I trust him.

He's not like Henry.

Or my stepfather.

Sure, he's bigger and stronger, an Alpha.

He has the power to hurt me like they did. 

But I know he won't.

And he's shown me he'll do what it takes to protect me.

And while I don't know why, it makes me like him all the more. 

Soon I find myself fading off to sleep, his heartbeat sounding faintly under my ear like a lullaby.

I have no nightmares. 

[chapelpunisher]

hey sorry not that it rlly effects anything since i dont really have a lot of interaction on this blog anymore but um. i guess i need to say im going on an indefinite hiatus on most my social media, mostly so i can do some better healing since i think even after a month i am still deeply wounded by something that in turn became a self sabotage plot. im not proud of my behavior the last 4 months, and am going to take this time to work on parts of myself that i feel like i need to pay more attention to.

theres many factors to all of this, such as my mental health in general the last 4 months have not been entirely the best partially because of starting testosterone and not being proactive in caring for my mental health before it started to get bad again. another big part is having internalized self hatred of a part of myself ive finally come to terms with. lastly, trauma resurfacing that has made me distant and cold.

unfortunately, my brain still keeps trying to convince me things will be okay again but not the way i need it, rather a way id want it to be. so, to avoid making things even worse for myself (though not sure how much more worse i could be after all of this) im just going to try and be happy, let myself metabolize and process everything.

im very much struggling to feel tolerable, but thats no fault to anyone but myself. and i find even when im having an okay time and doing things i love, still having a hard time letting go. i feel like i am a bad person a lot of the time and that ultimately i deserve everything that has happened to me in the last 4 months. so for that, i believe it is time i just work on healing, and learn to be more kinder to myself in terms of internalized stuff.

its hard, some days i feel like i dont care anymore but then it all comes back to me and i ache. and i yearn. and i make up stupid scenarios in my head only to really just hurt myself more. i wish i could be different and show that its not me but a part of me that im going to keep in check and fix so that everyone can see im trying to get better for myself and everyone i care about. i dont think i can bring myself to hate anyone, or to think badly of them through all of this but rather see that they did what they could and cant be my people after all.

i would also like to just apologize if anyone has seen my insane behavior the past month, and i hope that i will never get that bad again in hopes that this time away will help me mental health wise.

tldr; i hurt people closest to me and caused them to leave, decided to stay off social media for awhile, trying to focus on doing better and healing so future relationships that may come up wont end as badly as this one that of course is no fault but my own.

[westcoastrae]

i been so emotionally drained today. i just cried to my mom and now i am crying again so of course i am about to rant on here.

i woke up this morning and got on tiktok just to see my ex looking at my things again. in a way i find it funny because i gave him 5 years of my life to get it right, to treat me the way i wanted/deserved, and now he clearly regrets fucking up so many times. but i mostly just get overwhelmed and angry by it. it feels so disrespectful. the way i would sob to this man, i’d cry and beg for him to be the man i thought he was and knew he could be. i spent so much time wondering what i could fix and change to be better for him, wondering what was wrong with me that he didn’t want to love me properly, feeling like i wasn’t worth being treated with kindness or even being given the bare minimum. i just find it so disrespectful he cant give me peace after all this time. i’ve worked so hard to let him go, it took so much strength to leave him for good and not go back to him or get stuck in that cycle with him again. he would cry over how badly he felt for making me feel the way he did and now that i am clearly doing better and i’m happier without him he wants to start looking at my things again? it just feels like he assumes he will always have access to me and we will always be in the cycle we were in. it hurts that someone i considered my best friend treated me the way he did and continues to make it known he doesn’t care about my feelings, only his own. i’m angry that his actions have affected me so deeply that i have a hard time in my new relationship and feel like i need to build up walls. i’ve found someone that, for whatever reason, loves me so genuinely and unconditionally. he is patient with me when i allow my past relationships to affect how i go about things in our relationship. and i find myself wanting to correct negative behaviors, i want to be better in this relationship because thinking of losing him breaks my heart. i feel so safe and comfortable around my boyfriend now. he makes me so happy and makes me feel loved and feel beautiful, he never does anything to hurt me, he never tries to do things to punish me for my feelings like my ex did, he is quick to talk things out and apologize when he’s wrong and forgive me when i’m wrong, he listens to me when I’m expressing myself even if i don’t know how to explain myself well, he makes me feel like i can be open and vulnerable with him. i trust him so much. i’ve never been able to say i trust my partner until i met him. i’ve never been able to say i felt like my partner truly loved me for me and accepted my flaws and wanted to build together and become better together. i really do love this man so much. i just want peace, i want to be left alone, i want to continue to be happy with my boyfriend, i want to unlearn all the bad coping mechanisms, and i want to start taking down walls. i’m so tired of being drained like this over stupid shit that stupid people did  to me.

march.10.23

[otomelavenderhaze]

I found this light novel, the name is "There Were Times I Wished You Were Dead" and I just wanna say, I have adopted both of the main characters, I do think my guy Karloi needs to fucking chill and that he should be less of an asshole with my girl Yvo, but they're both so pitiful, they're just so deep in the bottom of the deepest pit that I cannot find in myself to kick him harder.

I never saw a couple that I was like "maybe not even theraphy can solve some aspects of this" in my whole life.

And I am at a point in the story in which I am okay, this surely ends in a happy ending, right? But I am scared, because I am not sure if it does, I mean, either Karloi and Yvo are in the last straws of their sanity in that situation and he's growing increasingly violent for a few chapters now..... there only one thing that can "fix" it, but at this point I am not even sure if this is enough to land that happy ending.

After everything Karloi put her through, is she gonna really end with him? Like, seriously? There's any way to really redeem Karoi?

Cuz, yeah, they're actually both toxic to one another, but there's certain things about Yvo that are outside of her control that's not really her fault, so ends up hurting him not because she's trying, but because... the situation, the way she tries to shield him, actually hurts him. It's like you try to save someone who's falling, but your nails are so sharp and you ends up grabbing the person by the neck in the process of trying to save them.

But Karloi knows how to be cruel, he actually have momentS of pure self-satisfaction cruelty that are driven by all the hurting he had to endure his whole life and that gets trigger whenever she lies to him. I personally pity him. I understand why he's the way he is and why he does what he does.

However, thats not enough to redeem him. I don't think he can be redeemable.

This is one of those situations that I am seeing something horrible happening in front of me and I cannot, I cannot, for the sake of anything else, stop looking at it until I see how it ends.

I have so many questions. I need to know how it ends.

PS: It does have a good ending and I think they both deserved to be happy at the end despite all their flaws... also, if they can find in themselves enough reason to forgive one another, if forgiveness is better than keep on that loop of abuse and hurt... then that be it. I think by the end of it, what makes, is what make them happy. If to Yvo be happy means stay with Karloi, then I am fine with it - even more if he's sincerely regretting his past behaviors, changed and apologizes about it. I did loved the ending. It was very fitting for the theme of the novel.

[unslctdt]

Balancing self-respect and compassion can be difficult at times because:

Yes, the pain or circumstances that influenced them are valid, and there might be genuine love shared, but no, that doesn’t give them the right to treat you poorly.

Yes, they are still worthy of love and care, but no, they are not exempt from treating you with respect.

Yes, they’ve been through a lot and are still going through some things, but no, they cannot take it out on you, directly or indirectly.

In the past, I was fully on team “compassion” and would find myself in relationships (platonic, romantic, or otherwise) that were a poor fit for all parties involved, trying to fix, endure, and make things better. Since then, I’ve realized that what I had been calling compassion was actually complacency and that leading with self-respect and allowing it to inform compassion gives a better shot at healthier connections in the long run.

By letting self-respect lead, I look past the apologies and mutual love, and instead observe the trend or pattern. Are they taking steps to improve? Do they hold space for me to express how their behavior, words, and actions make me feel? Are they quick to be dismissive, whether by calling me sensitive or jealous, or by offering a dismissive apology (you know, the old exasperated “You’re right! I’m wrong! I’m sorry” routine, regardless of the tone or inflection)? Do they hijack the conversation to make it about their pain? Do I like who I’m becoming as this connection continues? If the trend is consistently positive, then compassion becomes the cushion that helps me get comfortable as we grow together.

But what about when the trend is negative? It’s easy to want to cut them off—and in cases of abuse, please do—but this is where compassion devolves into empathy: we live in a broken and trauma-stricken world. It’s not all we know, but for those of us who live at multiple intersections of otherness, there are factors that prevent us from receiving the love, care, and access to resources we need to function at our best, or even just show up as we’d like. With this understanding, I take an intentional emotional step back and allow them to be as they are, in a way that’s healthy for both of us. No hate—definitely some hurt feelings and potentially some mild splitting on my part (hey there abandonment issues!)—but I de-escalate and ask myself how I’m contributing to this connection, both negatively and positively. I also consider what level of relationship this person is currently capable of showing up for, compared to the level they want.

Does this mean they’ll stay there forever? No, because I believe people can change. But for the sake of my emotional safety, mutual sanity, and relational health, we need to take it easy relationally for now so that we can have something together in the future!

#unsolicited #selfrespect #compassion #healingjourney #relationshipadvice