#anyways... hi go ily

[concord-and-cliches]

these dudes are awesome they have cool tattoos and everything !!! [id in alt!]

[jinstronaut]

i still orbit you, and nothing’s changed, but if there’s no name to love, everything has changed. (cr. namuspromised, lyric translation doolsetbangtan)

happy birthday @cordiallyfuturedwight 💜💜💜

[popponn]

it rains here. (nanami kento x reader)

summary: there was no snow to fall here and nanami kento still felt like he was in a dream.

notes: i wanted to cuddle nanami kento that's the only one constant in this fix it fic. also there is no snow in tropical countries. i used to want snowy dec, but i think nanami will take comfort in it and perhaps it's okay now. this is a fluff, but there is an undertone of effect of trauma on nanami as this is jjk. nothing explicit, but just a heads up. written with f!reader in mind, could be read as gn.

as the rain fall in december, it dawned upon nanami kento that he was in a very different new place already.

"kento, do you hear me?" a hand, followed closely by your voice, gently pulled him back to where he was. slowly turning his head, finding you leaning on his hand whilst wrapping both of yours around it, once again, it became hard for him to realize that it was not a dream.

it was near the kuantan beach, it was his books stacked neatly beside him, it was him sitting on a foreign hotel sofa facing the cityscape, and it was you who felt as familiar as a long-forgotten home.

"kento?"

the winter was supposed to be approaching, but there was no snow.

but there would be no snow here, would it? in the same way that there would be no curses dragging him out into a battlefield, away from your hands.

"kento, you are worrying me now," you started to frown—kento noted how seeing it in such a setting here felt pleasant, "are you lacking sleep? ah, you read too much last night didn't you!"

"i did not. please do not push such accusation to me," kento replied to you blandly and curtly. contrary to his tone, however, he shifted and heaved out a short sigh the moment he managed to get you closer to his side. a hand on your hip as he rested his head on the cushion, leaning back right next to yours.

it felt like a dream. it really felt like one.

this was too nice.

it almost felt like he was running out of time—

right beside him, you too leaned towards him even further. "then why are you spacing out so much?" you asked, before adding reprimandingly, "just so you know if it really is because you lost track of time reading, we are setting alarm."

"that is too much," he said, closing his eyes.

"is it now, mr. 'treat holiday like an overwork'?"

"i do not treat it like that. i hate overwork."

"then you should be able to relax and take time here. we still have many days left, no need to rush through those books," you huffed. kento couldn't see it, but he could imagine how you puffed out your chest.

"it seems that you have become a little bit more strict since we arrived here," kento noted, sleepiness seeping into his voice.

"of course. i have to keep you healthy in case you overdo it on this vacation!" a hand reached out to his shoulder, messaging it lightly before it crawled up to rest on the back of his neck.

it felt real.

it felt so real—the feeling of your skin, the weight, and warmth of it—and yet he—

kento sighed, not knowing what else to say. "i see."

then, feeling the heaviness weighted down even further behind his eyes, kento gently called your name.

humming, you replied to him. "what is it?"

"i will be sleeping for a bit. please do wake me up in a few minutes."

"eh? in this position? you will get a sore neck, you know?"

kento knew you were right. however, being like this—exactly like this, with you, with everything, with the sound of rain from outside of the window—it was hard for him to resist. after all, once a man got a taste of their dream, it would be hard for them not to soak in it.

"it wouldn't be a problem. i have had worse."

"...so this is your vacation mode, huh?" you teasingly mused. "but, okay, go to sleep. i will wake you up later."

nanami kento still thought this was a dream. it was too nice for it not to be.

but with your fingers tangling with his hair, with the slight gentle tug and company you offered him, with the smell of the book and unfamiliar room, and everything as it was—

"good night, kento. let's take a walk on the beach later, okay?"

there was no snow to fall here and nanami kento still felt like he was in a dream.

but he was happy, and it was enough.

[mayomkun]

Rewatching dead boy detectives and I love the music box that starts playing when Charles started hitting the night nurse. Like, the haunting melody went so well with the shock of what we learned about Charles' past and his sudden outburst (spiralling out of control, the feeling of the world beating down on you over and over and even when you try your best, be your best self, it isn't enough and there isn't anything you can do). And then morphed to something more upbeat/thrilling when she fell into the sea, followed by complete silence with Charles' breakdown. Oughhhhhhhhh

[capricores]

i love being friends with earth sign placements (sun/moon/asc/venus) so much. you will not find better friends. the way they're so caring, attentive, nurturing, kind-hearted?! the fact that they initiate and plan things for and with you?! the way they listen so well and give amazing yet gentle advice?! the way they remember all the little things about you and your interests and give the most thoughtful gifts and remind you in small ways that they remember everything about you?! i hope every earth sign placement is having a great day and knows just how positively impactful they are in their friend's lives!!!!!! we love you!!!!

[cheriboms]

doctober day 9: zipline

now ik this piece is set technically like. a minute before that happens but i just liked this sketch too much, so naturally i had to finish it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[frnkiebby]

Hiz haircut fucking suckz...

Wat do u tink?

LISTEN

that’s a terrible angle. and he needs a fuckin shower.

but no out side of this pic i love the hair cut even though it was a hair cut of necessity lmfao~🎃

[gallawitchxx]

weekly tag wednesday!

thank you & smoochies to @deedala @lingy910y @creepkinginc @energievie @darlingian @heymrspatel @gardenerian @sgtmickeyslaughter @blue-disco-lights & @metalheadmickey for tagging me! i haven't gotten a chance to read all of yours yet, but I WILL CATCH UP!

name: bee 🐝

age: soon to be 32!

astrological sign: cancer ♋️

upon which continent do you reside: North America

tell us how you're feeling right now using 3-5 emojis: 😌☀️🥹📝🫦

whats your favorite flavor of gum? original trident

whats the last movie you watched? does 8263 episodes of law & order: svu count? if not, before sunrise 🌄

what was your worst subject in high school? algebra II, hands down

whats the job you stayed at for the shortest period of time? omg this is a good question -- a couple of months? idk i've blocked all the bad ones out alksjgalj

whats your favorite thing to do at an amusement park? go on rides! 🎢

what condiments go on top of the perfect hot dog (meat or plant-based)? ketchup & mustard 🌭

cincinnati chili, thoughts? huh??? what now???

do you sleep with a plushie? not anymore! but i used to sleep with an ugly doll named icebat <3

how do you feel about thunderstorms? as long as i'm inside, i feel good about them!

what's the last animal you touched? my puppers 🥰 we picked him up from the boarders after a week away & it was the best 🥰

grab the nearest item with words on it that ISNT a book and tell me the final word: PLANET 🪐 from a cliff bar lol

have you ever forgotten to do an assignment until the night before its due? ummm, probably, but that was never my style lmaooo 😎

tagging @iansw0rld @palepinkgoat @thisdivorce @rereadanon & @y0itsbri if you wanna play! if not, i'm bringing you your favorite treat! xx

[trashlie]

ILY FP 258

I can't believe we're actually passed episode 250 lmao I Love Yoo is truly the never ending story (affectionate). I appreciate how much of the story we really get to dig into at this pace and while I know a lot of people have long-since dropped it, I imagine the rest of us (those reading this post because why else are you here?) also appreciate it. And that's what is even more refreshing about this episode - if refreshing is even a word we can use to describe it. Getting the extra scenes from other characters, a look at their lives and from these glimpses, what we can glean in the unsaid between the lines.

Can you believe I used to prey on Kousuke's downfall? There's so many posts of me talking about him from a different view, believing that the only way he could grow and develop and make the changes necessary to make him a better person was for him to crash and burn, to fail so significantly that he would be forced to pen his eyes to reality. But here we are, me, fervently swaddling him up like a baby and shoving him into my pocket because GOD he needs to be protected.

I don't even remember when it was, that my view on him began to shift, when I went from "he's interesting but awful" to "GOD THIS IS MY SON AND I WILL FIGHT EVERYONE YOU HAVE TO GO THROUGH ME" but.... lol there's no going back!

That's enough rambling, let's jump in.

There is something so painfully devastating about every time ILY confirms to us something we have long-since known or suspected through nuance, foreshadowing, reading between the lines, etc: That Kousuke isn't Rand's biological son, that Shinae was at the formal for Gun Kim, that Kousuke has been manipulated his whole life. Nothing in this episode regarding Kousuke is actually new to us. We have known, and talked about, for months and months long before the confirmation reveal that Yui drugs Kousuke - that he has been manipulated by her his entire life, that she orchestrated his life to manipulate him into situations she could take advantage of. It's the way she spoke about Rand's affair around Kousuke, the way she commodified Rand's love so Kousuke became convinced he'd never earned his father's love, the way she spoke of their family vs others and convinced him from such a young age that everyone was out to get them, to destroy them, and that he couldn't let them get close, couldn't let them near - and how Nol was very much a target planted in his mind.

But it's the fact that he is speaking of this and acknowledging it! Until now, Kousuke has heavily lived in denial. Again, we know this. We talk a lot about the chasm between reality and the reality he believes in. We talk a lot about how Kousuke couldn't face reality, even though on some level he knew everything he believed and was told was not quite true not quite real, but that he was so afraid of the truth, he couldn't do it. Kousuke admitting that he's been driven by fear and envy explains everything about him, and why he could not accept the only unwavering unconditional love he was offered.

A few weeks ago I saw a video on instagram of this father talking about a conversation he had with his daughter, who was feeling a little uncomfortable with her friend group. A new girl started to play with her and her best friend and she said she wasn't exactly jealous, but that maybe it was that she was afraid that there wasn't enough love to go around. Her dad had to explain to her that love is not like a pizza - it's not finite, a limited amount that could be taken and hogged by someone else. But Kousuke never learned this. His father's love was commodified and he was made to fear this other kid who he mistakenly believed knew a version of his father he'd never been privy to. He never learned that love is finite, that Rand could have enough love for the both of them, and feared that Nol would hog it all - that he WAS hogging it all because whether or not it was good or bad, Nol received more attention that Kousuke did. And that speaks VOLUMES about how Kousuke sees Rand, what he thinks of their relationship. In his mind, he is still unworthy, that he's not noteworthy enough.

This part gets to me so badly. We, as omniscient readers, know that Rand has tried his best, but that Yui runs a spectacular interference with which he can't compete, largely because of the roles their family have placed them in - Rand the busy businessman, Yui the mommy homemaker. But no matter how hard he tries, it isn't good enough. Rand tries to reach Kousuke, but the manipulation and paranoia are so far gone that the times Rand does have the chance to convey his feelings, Kousuke can't even believe it, because he thinks he's not good enough to deserve that love, that he hasn't fully qualified for it yet. And despite that, Nol, who Kousuke feels hasn't done half of what he has to deserve Rand's love, gets the attention. It doesn't matter that it's negative attention, that Rand barks at Nol, that Nol feels Rand hates and regrets him, because ultimately, it's still more than Kousuke receives. And worse, to him, every time Rand is busy reprimanding Nol, he turns away from Kousuke to do it.

I want to make it clear that this is a deep trauma point of Kousuke's. He's never learned healthy love and the only person who gave him healthy love was someone he was set to fear and fight. Something I think about a lot is the flashback to Kousuke, in the bushes, watching Nessa and Nol's display of warm affection, before Yui appears literally looming before him. In that moment, he witnesses something he's been deprived of. "We're not like other families"'. He's told from a young age he shouldn't compare himself to those healthy families, to warm and affectionate relationships that he will not cultivate in this household. From such a young age it is normalized, that they aren't like others, that they are cold and distant. From a young age, he's made to stuff down his feelings, his tender wants and desires, in order to earn them. To be a good little boy who makes his parents proud. To make his father look his way.

There's also something about the way he says "I've been a good boy" that echoes Shinae learning she's been manipulated by Yui, devastated and angry and yelling about how she's been a good girl so why do these things keep happening to her, all she wanted to do was help her dad. Two people who, from a young age, felt they had to be so obedient, so good, to not be a burden, and despite following the rules, despite doing as they were told, despite trying to be whatever version of "good" they believed in, the world still beat them up and mistreated them. The world still punished them.

As Rin in our discord server pointed out, though, to some degree, Kousuke is very much a person who can - and does - act out, when he's emotionally high-strung. He's a volatile man, and it's largely to do with the fact that he's been drugged to placate him for so long. He never learned emotional regulation, he never learned how to deal with high-stress situations or to face conflict or to own up to things. This is something that some readers who hate Kousuke and expect him to act a certain way because of his age are missing. You don't just learn these things with age. You learn them with experience and Kousuke was deprived of the opportunity TO have those experiences. He never had to learn these behaviors, and now as an adult he cannot function when overwhelmed.

Idk this whole episode is just heartbreaking. It's devastating. I remember when I was someone praying on Kousuke's downfall and now I want to take it all back ;___; I always believed he had to crash and burn to be able to see the world for what it really was and to face his fears, but this is somehow so much worse.

And even though he's drunk, I don't think he's going to forget all of this in the morning. Rather, I think what he's voicing are things that have been plaguing him since waking up in the hospital. From that moment, we saw him wary and distrustful of his mother, we saw his concern for Nol rising above everything else, but grappling with the understanding that he doesn't deserve to stand in front of Nol anymore. These aren't epiphanies coming to him just because he's drunk; it's more like he's only voicing them because he's drunk. But even when he sobers up, he will probably still be haunted by these fears, these agonies, these truths, this understanding.

How does he face his mother after this? How does he face anyone? He may not even feel like he can trust Jayce - who while very kind to him, is still employed by his family. He may not even feel like he can trust Hansuke (though I really hope that's not the case).

He's so miserable and it genuinely hurts to have him lay it all out for us - everything we've known and suspected, like how it was so painfully clear he WANTED Nol's friendship, their brotherhood, but feared it, didn't believe that there was enough love to go around, that there could only be one of them and that even if it was for good or bad reasons, Nol cast him in the shadow. And all these years, watching as Nol, as Yeonggi, grew into this person who sounded so very much like this unknown version of their father, someone funny who makes others laugh, someone goofy, someone so boyish in the ways Kousuke was never allowed to be. Watching as he gathers friends, while Kousuke, so unlikeable, is wanted only for his money, for his status, for the clout.

He doesn't even know WHO HE IS! Questioning his own traits he's believed of himself, wondering if this is even him, if these parts of him are real or does he just act it, say it, pretend it, while trying to fulfill a role he was shoved into. That makes me feel SO deeply sad, because it's something I've been anticipating for so long: Kousuke wondering WHO he really is, how much of him is real and how much of it is the result of manipulation.

And that moment that he catches himself and says no no that's offensive and rude you can't be like that. ;AAA;

For him to admit how much he envies others, how much he craves the kind of connection others have, the kind of family others have, to feel that love and warmth that he's been deprived of, forced to endure this solitude because, as he believes, he didn't get the good parts of Rand. And what will happen when he learns that Rand isn't his father? That he never stood a chance to inherit any of those traits. Kousuke has operated on this belief that, if he tries hard enough, he can earn the things he craves, but I fear learning about his parenthood will make him think that no matter how hard he tried, he would never earn that, because none of it was ever him, could have gone to him.

I think this is where Shinae, in the future, will come in. I feel so very strongly that she will be someone who helps Kousuke to see that this isn't true, that these kinds of personality traits aren't something inherited, but rather something learned. For him to one day realize it's the paralyzing fear that holds him back, not his genetics. Of course, I acknowledge this will still take a lot of therapy but...

Something else very remarkable to me is the way Kousuke recognizes Shinae in Shinhye, because their eyes "feel the same" and he opens up to her - on some level, whether or not he is consciously aware of it, Kousuke knows, or maybe just wants to, that he can trust Shinae. That she is someone who is safe. He even knows how she feels about his mother. I don't think we'll see a lot of Kousuke and Shinae's friendship until we're passed our timeskips, but it makes me feel a little hopeful about it, that she'll be able to reach him, because she feels like someone who is safe. It's the way he sees Nol in her and wants to try to have that do over, a relationship with someone who  has unconditional love for him. It's the way he knows he mistreated Nol, that it was wrong, that he took it all out on this kid he was so afraid of because he had no other outlet, and he wants to do better but knows that there's nothing to salvage anymore.

But also, it just makes me hope more and more that in the future we WILL see a reconciliation between the brothers. As I say every time, it doesn't mean they have to become brothers or friends, but I just want them to see each other fully. Kousuke knows what he did to Nol. He doesn't deny it, even if he might not say it out loud unless he's drunk. But Nol is still so in the dark. Yujing is trying to tip him off and make him aware of it, but I hope one day when Nol realizes it, when he finds out that Kousuke, too, was Yui's victim, that he wasn't the only one, that Kousuke was made to fear Nol's love, he might.... understand. I'm saying understand here loosely because I don't want people to get the idea that I mean Nol will forgive him and Kousuke will be justified, but rather that Nol would be able to understand why Kousuke felt that way, and move on. But I can't help but hope that it will lead to an understanding, a reconciliation, where maybe they can try to be in each other's lives.

I think it's also interesting that Shinhye was somewhat honest, even if she wasn't very forthcoming, with Kousuke about her own family. It sounds like her mother has been gone for a long time, that she's been on her own the whole while, and I think it reinforces the idea that she believes both that Simhan is her father and that he rejected her, that he didn't want anything to do with her. It lines up, too, with how she feels that he wouldn't react well if he saw her (although I think she credited that to looking like their mother). In the same way that Shinae has felt abandoned and cast aside by their mother, Shinhye probably thinks their father never tried reach out, to find them, to maintain a relationship with her. Or perhaps it's that her mother fed her lies about him, made her believe him a different type of man, made her believe there would never be anything of their relationship to salvage. And given that she's the one who Kousuke opened to, it makes me think that there must be some kind of parallel there; the way she mentioned her own mother feels like maybe her mother, too, was a manipulative - or at the very least, dishonest - person.

I don't speculate a lot on Shinhye because frankly I don't think I know enough about her to really try to talk about her, but I do think that it's very likely there's some kind of connection between Shinhye and the Hirahras or Gun. To be clear, I don't believe she's working with Yui at all. I think it's more like... Alyssa isn't the only girl who has been trafficked by Gun. What's the likelihood that Shinae and Shinhye's mother was? Given her history, the gambling addiction that was so egregious her reputation haunted Shinae and chased her to a new neighborhood and school, was she seeking money somewhere else, somewhere more dangerous? Is that part of why they had to change their name? There's so many questions left about them, and I look forward to learning more about her, but, much like with Alyssa, I think it will take time and be dropped in little tidbits like this - things to read into and try to glean something from.

And maybe we'll see more of this duo in the future? It would feel a little weird to give them this one single run in, but I'm not entirely sure. Quimchee likes to keep us on our toes. After all, Minhyuk and Shinhye have also had only the one run in. Still, I think it would be interesting to watch, if Shinhye ever felt.... I want to say maybe compelled? to dig in more to Kousuke, ever feel a kind of kinship. I don't think she'll open up to him at all, but rather, maybe she'd keep going back because a. he's wealthy and there's more she can nick from him (assuming he doesn't realize she stole anything while in his apartment, if he even remembers any of this) and b. wanting to gather more intel.

Like I said though, she's hard to read so I don't want to cling too hard to any ideas and, instead, sit back and enjoy the show.

[concord-and-cliches]

answering a question with a question

(featuring characters from my webcomic, no more chasing ghosts [x]!)

[todayisafridaynight]

no ones ever gonna understand how much i love daigo doin this stupid shit after dissolving the tojo

[lokh]

hehehe did u know you can draw anything at all <3 so i drew my two favorite characters. together LMAO love wins

[velaraffricate]

so I've been working on my latest conlang, irkan osla (or just osla for short), for a bit now and would like to showcase its writing system in this post! osla has a syllabic alphabet, not too dissimilar to korean hangul, where letters are stacked according to certain rules to make syllable blocks.

osla's syllable structure is (C)(C)V(V)(C), here's how the stacks work for each type of syllable:

all letters have small, wide, and tall forms depending on their position in the syllable. here are all the letters with their IPA value and romanization:

and here's an example text! i translated parts of the minecraft end poem into osla. maybe i'll make another post just focusing on the grammar when it's more developed. the poem says in english:

What did this player dream? This player dreamed of sunlight and trees. Of fire and water. It dreamed it created. And it dreamed it destroyed. It dreamed it hunted, and was hunted. It dreamed of shelter.

Does it know that we love it? That the universe is kind? Sometimes, through the noise of its thoughts, it hears the universe, yes.

this post is getting long, so under the cut you'll find a "sans-serif" version as well as the poem in osla and its gloss if you're also a linguistics nerd and wanna know what's going on under the hood (the roman numerals stand for the 3 noun classes)! thanks for reading!

The way regular people would write something quickly on a piece of paper with a regular pen is an aspect of creating neographies that I feel is often overlooked, so I developed this sans-serif version that people would probably be more likely to use when writing their shopping lists or diary entries:

And, finally, here's the poem translation:

pak oṇḍul phan wimbakis?

DET.I.SG.PROX play-AGN what dream-PST.3SG.I?

pak oṇḍul lümaṇiuṣerothi han buloni an wimbakis. kaṣkhaothi han nilothi an. wimbakis, run sëmamkis. wimbakis, run xokthakis, han bumxokthakis. zöga an wimbakis.

DET.I.SG.PROX play-AGN sunlight-II.SG.DAT and tree-II.PL.DAT of dream-PST.3SG.I. Fire-II.SG.DAT and water-II.SG.DAT of. dream-PST.3SG.I, that create-PST.3SG.I. dream-PST.3SG.I, that hunt-PST.3SG.I, and PASS-hunt-PST.3SG.I. shelter of dream-PST.3SG.I.

ṭauraka, run kaak samare? run glutsüna flia?

know-NP.3SG.I, that 3SG.I.ABS love-NP.1PL? that universe kind?

imba ethamo, khaṣiŋli an ka’am hu’aŋni pitë, glutsüna ṣaraka, ti.

some time-NOM.III.PL, noise-ACC.II.SG of 3SG.I.GEN thought-NOM.III.PL through, universe hear-NP.3SG.I, yes.

[seraphicalsuccubus]

in case y’all were wondering, I am quite pleased to inform y’all that @pissed-whizard drops loot when you hang out with him !!!

I have been blessed by RNG today with: a Philips screwdriver. a truly legendary drop. I will cherish this forever. I shall screw all the screws in existence to make very good use of this treasure.

12/10 amazing loot, truly. oh !! and it also has a bonus buff when equipped: I become my own handy man and I can fix everything all by myself. I don’t need a man. I don’t need any training. I don’t need any trade skills. I’m an independent girly with a fuckin SCREWDRIVER baybee, don’t fuck w me !!! I am a prepared girly, I got this !!! 💅🏻

he has made me unstoppable now, btw. being gifted such a miraculous tool ??? man, I can fix fucking EVERYTHING in the world. bring me all the furniture you need assembled (I will assemble it 100% wrong and possibly upside down or backwards). bring me the shelves you need hung (if you want them hung at a children’s height because I’m a short bitch). bring me all your problems, in general, I fuckin gotchu (if you want questionable moral advice landing somewhere along the spectrum of either: ‘break up w them’ or ‘suck their dick/eat their pussy.’ I contain multitudes and I can vary my advice for your specific issues, if they’ve been bad, kill them. commit arson. girly things, y’know ??? and if they’ve been good, give them head until their eyes roll back so far they look possessed. idk. that method has always worked for me). because I have THE Screwdriver, y’all. I can fix you. I promise. you’re in good (very weak and drops everything I try to hold and can’t catch anything with them at all) hands. just trust me.

(oh. and you’re not allowed sue me if I can’t btw, I have no responsibility for anything that potentially goes awry here. like, you totes gotta sign a waiver first confirming that I may (and most likely will), in fact, make everything much worse. bring me your problems at your own risk for a varying reward. thank you ☺️)

[actual-changeling]

if you do not follow/haven't seen my recent posts, i really recommend you read this one and this one before continuing, just to make it hit the right way.

also reminder that i have an ao3 right here (and it's not all pain, promise!)

sorry in advance :)

-

the more time passes, the easier it is for joel to talk about sarah. it still hurts, always will, an old bullet buried in his heart surrounded by scar tissue, but except for a few memories, words don't make him bleed anymore. tommy tentatively starts bringing her up once he notices that joel no longer flinches when he mentions her name, and it feels good to breathe life into their shared experiences, his brother the only one who comes close to understanding his pain but also the joy that colored their years.

ellie asks, too, just as hesitantly as tommy at first, but soon her curiosity takes over and not a day passes by without a question in-between sentences about his past. joel answers all of them, stories spilling from his lips and spinning themselves into a sarah-shaped web that he can share with her.

"she played soccer, right? when did she win her first competition?"

there's a few sports teams in jackson, and of course the soccer one caught her eye, making joel dread all the twisted ankles and bruised shins he was going to have to tend to. getting grass stains out of sarah's uniforms had always been a task and a half, and eventually they both stopped caring about it and just watched them pile up, turning white fabric a greenish-brown.

joel opens his mouth, the coffee cup in his hand hovering above the kitchen table, and then he stills, every muscle in his body turning to ice.

ellie's joel? is drowned out by the ringing in his hears, knuckles turning white and gripping the porcelain so tightly he can feel it crack in his palm, and he must have stopped breathing because his vision is growing fuzzy, black dots scurrying in his periphery.

joel lets the cup fall more than he sets it down, stomach turning, bile rising in his throat, because ellie asked him a question about sarah, his sarah, and he doesn't remember the answer.

it can't be, right? just a small gap in his memory, nothing big, it'll come back to him in an hour and he'll tell ellie about it later. but the panic squeezing his chest is real, terror slithering up his neck and curling around his ear whispering what else did you forget?

more than ever before, he tries to think back to all of it, from the first time he held her in his arms to the moment he buried her, and something odd happens to him when he finds that so much of it is. blurry. frayed at the edges, burned holes and white blotches obscuring important and unimportant details alike, memory an old role of film decomposing in the back of his mind.

the color of her baby blanket (blue, it had to be blue, he can't see), the first movie he watched with her, her favorite book in primary school, the way he did her hair on the first day of kindergarten, the friendship bracelets they made together, the posters on her wall, the dress she wore to her first dance (purple right? right?), memories surfacing as his panic cracks him open like an earthquake, and joel tries to cling to them, nails scratching at the parts that should be there but aren't until he tastes blood, desperation growing and growing because he is forgetting her.

"joel you're scaring the fuck out of me right now what's wrong?"

ellie's voice is distant, and he hates worrying her, hates the almost hysteric edge beneath it when she repeats herself, hands squeezing his shoulders, softly, first, then harder when he doesn't respond. all of the years that he didn't even know she existed, memories she has that he never will, all the firsts and buts and what ifs and failures that define a childhood, their innocent light fractured into vivid fantasies by the stained glass window of life. he has had all that and more with sarah, clung to it in the after to remind himself that she is real, that he is still a father even with his daughter buried by a nameless river.

it is all he has left of her, the childhood she never got to outgrow, and it's fading in a mind that has mourned her for longer than she got exist.

not for the first time, joel wishes he hadn't flinched, his brain worthless if it allowed sarah to fade away. without ellie bound to his heart, he would have tempted fate again for that alone.

-

"who hurt you" too many people to count and luckily tumblr lets me make it everyones problem

[we-are-inevitable]

ok so i was talking to @to-be-a-dreamer @tarantulas4davey and @carpe-diem-since-1899 about racetrack things the other day and i just thought i would dump some of those thoughts here bc i am So invested in this weird little guy

anyway i just ,, i have a lot of feelings abt jack passing the newsies onto racer once he ages out.

i feel like. charlie is the next choice, but charlie in my eyes is the same age as- if not older than- jack; if jack hadn’t been the leader of the newsboys, it definitely would have been charlie, but jack is the one who took the reins. (this age hc is mostly because of west endsies ngl.) anyway! moving on

jack and charlie have always been a team. charlie is definitely jack’s second in terms of always being there, but race is his second in terms of business- it only makes sense for race to take over when jack is gone, and i just,, i love the concept of race either not really wanting that or not really knowing how to handle that. i think, at his core, race is trying to hold onto whatever youth he has left. its why he’s always cracking jokes, despite how jaded and angry he is under the surface. he pretends not to care or else he’ll crack under the pressure, and when he cracks, it’s angry. it’s mean. his bark is as bad as his bite. so he puts on this front- this childish, snarky, comedic relief front- and he’s terrified of the implications of Being The Leader because he feels like he’ll no longer have that front to hold onto or hide behind. and it takes him a long time, i think, to realize that he doesn’t have to be exactly who Jack was- he can lead the newsboys how he sees fit, he doesn’t need to be a carbon copy of jack, because they’re fundamentally so different. and i think that is just very fun

but more on the anger, because i think it’s an interesting take that is very much represented in West Endsies- as @roideny and @jack-kellys have pointed out before:

i’m interested in the other newsies- especially albert, finch, and maybe spot- seeing that sadness and strain and anger that seems to be taking it’s place as his dominant trait. yeah. bc i think,, i think race is angry at his core, like i said. angry at his position in all of this. angry that jack left, that charlie followed, that davey was never staying in the first place, that spot still thinks of him as a kid instead of a new leader, that other burrough leaders don’t take him seriously because they know him as the jokester. angry that these kids are his kids now, and angry that his kids are still starving, still walking holes in their shoes, still shivering at night and still dying of sickness when the cold weather hits too hard. i want this race to be fucking pissed and i want everyone else to be caught off guard by it.

because, let’s be real, jack wasn’t the roughest leader. he was strong, and dependable, and not afraid to put kids in their place, but he’s still nurturing and parental. after years of being used to that, i think the newsies would struggle with Race for a while, especially as race tries to figure out his leadership style, and i think a lot of that would manifest in this anger that has been bubbling up under the surface for ages- the anger he never lets anyone see because he doesn’t want that.

race has spent anywhere from 5 to 10 years- depending on when you headcanon him to join the newsies- being the funny guy, the clown, the joker; if he’s going to earn respect, he’s going to have to take it from a few kids. lashing out and being brash- all for the sake of keeping everyone safe, of course- but he’s such a different leader than jack, and i think it would be SO fun to explore that more in post-canon works.

i feel like this post is a little disjointed and i may not be explaining things correctly, plus i haven’t actually seen west endsies yet! a lot of this is based on convos with the besties and i am just having brainrot. besties, feel free to jump in with any additions, and anyone reading this: feel free to send asks or talk in the tags <33