#anyways.. now that i have a source the next question is When do i implement these things. which.. soon hopefully lol

[kuromi-hoemie]

microsoft posts the urls used for ads/tracking etc

exactly what I'd want, ublock origin has an assets.json file with all their sources (:

sometimes i wanna finish setting up my dns server to block ads but I'm too lazy to find a good blocklist source to feed it.. but as it typically goes, now that i am talking abt it out loud and dragging myself for not doing it, i will look for a source

[andimarquette]

been a minute--message to all y'all

Hi, friends. Apologies it's been a while. Life is wild.

Anyway, all you youngs out there, so sorry the US is so jacked. What a shitshow. When I was a young, it was pretty jacked then, too. Let's face it. This country had been jacked since the get-go because of systemic racism and attendant violence and without the actions of we, the people over the centuries here, it would be even worse, though it's always been bad for people who aren't white and cishetmale (and generally wealthy).

So it's important to stay informed via non-propaganda media (which is most of it these days--go for local independent media and avoid clickbait), and history done by actual historians or investigative journalists who are not beholden to propaganda. Let me know if you want any sources with regard to context about what's going on now.

Staying informed via legit info sources keeps assclowns from being able to mess with you. Don't buy into anything. I have a mantra I've used throughout my life: don't be a douche. If an organization is saying things or advocating for things that will do harm to others, whether human or animal, chances are they're being a douche. So check 'em out before you jump on their bandwagon.

And if you don't want to vote in the federal elections--hey, I get it. But please vote in your local and state elections. Because policies on the state and local level will hit you hard. Just look at TX, ID, OK, FL, MS, AL, LA ,and every other red state electing corrupt administrations implementing crap policies that deny bodily autonomy, that don't give a shit about gun reform, that are working to criminalize librarians and certain books, that don't give a shit about climate change and instead are working to make things worse in that regard.

But I hope you do think about the federal government, because there's only one party that is working to implement the neo-f@cist Pr0ject 2025--a 900-page blueprint of anti-rights and anti-democratic plans if a certain party gets into office. It's a Christian nationalist compendium--familiarize yourself with it. Read it here: https://thf_media.s3.amazonaws.com/project2025/2025_MandateForLeadership_FULL.pdf The right-wing coalition behind it is spearheaded by the right-wing, anti-rights Her1tage F0undation. It's their mandate--their Pr0ject 2025. Have a look at what's going on locally for you, and think about how it links to the Christofasc1st movement nationally and internationally. Because that's what's going on. I'll leave you with some links. The next two give you some maps of rights. The Movement Advancement Project has a map about LGBTQIA+ rights by state: https://www.lgbtmap.org/equality-maps And here's a link about repro rights in the country, via Center for Reproductive Rights: https://reproductiverights.org/maps/abortion-laws-by-state/ And omg, check out Dream for America, a Gen Z organization organizing and engaging all y'all: https://dream4america.org/ Volunteer, get engaged. Hit them up.

Y'all ain't dumbasses. We're all being lied to, and you're smart cookies, youngs. Hit me up if you have questions about sources to check out--and hey, give me some sources to check out! I'm always looking to expand my knowledge base.

And remember, democracy isn't a spectator sport.

Y'all take care out there.

[w-ht-w]

The perils of following your career passion (WorkLife podcast)

passionate work is a luxury, while income is a necessity. And there's also the question of talent. Not everyone can be anything. Don't just take it from me. Take it from the great psychologist Chris Rock, 

"I want you children to know you can be anything you want to be!" Like, lady, why are you lying to these children? Maybe four of them could be anything they want to be. But the other 2,000 better learn how to weld. Tell the kids the truth. You could be anything you're good at, as long as they're hiring.

^ I don’t think this is entirely true. If you find a need in an underserved community, you could make your own way and become an entrepreneur. Collect best practices, and take it to a place that needs it. If the job market does not reflect the needs of the world, you can create your own work.

The thing about passions is that we often settle on them when we're young. The danger is getting locked in. Most of the time, our early passions are not the best guide to our later careers. There are so many things about the future and about yourself that you don't understand. You don't know what future you is going to be like.

I'm all for working in a career that's a perfect fit for your passion. But hunting for that perfect fit can be a real source of agony. There's evidence that searching for a calling leaves college students feeling indecisive, uncomfortable and confused. You might be one of the fortunate few to quickly find a career outlet for your passion. Everyone else just flounders around feeling lost.

Passion can develop over time; don’t quit / give up immediately.

Passion is a consequence of effort, not just a cause. Take a recent study of entrepreneurs. When they weren't excited about their start-ups, but put time in anyway, they actually became more enthusiastic over the next week. Their passion grew as they made progress.

When people try to follow their passion, they were less likely to consider other areas of interest where passion could develop, and less likely to anticipate difficulties. And when they did run into obstacles, they were more likely to lose interest and give up.

When young adults have the idea, the mind-set that passions are discovered whole, they're, like, in you, you just have to poke around for a while and get to it, they are much more likely, for example, to get easily discouraged when they try something like reading a difficult passage on a topic that was initially interesting. Very quickly, that interest falls off if you have that mind-set.

So the problem is the advice to "follow your passion" reflects a fixed mind-set. It assumes your interests are stable. So if you don't immediately enjoy a field or a task, the writing is on the wall: this must not be your passion. But that's a mistake. You don't want to quit the moment you don't like a job, because passion can grow over time.

For so many people, the first year on the job is not a great year.And it would be very easy to get discouraged and think, "Oh, I thought medicine was for me," or law or marketing or whatever,"but I guess not."

So, [as] a rule: you don't quit on a bad day.

You should not quit things when you're in that acute period of pain and disappointment and self-doubt. I always recommend quitting things on good days. You know, if you come in and it's a nice Thursday morning and everything is going reasonably well, and you still want to quit, well, there is maybe something going on.

Conventional wisdom is outdated in a fast-changing world. Instead of a plan-and-implement approach, try test-and-learn.

As wise as older generations can be, [their] career plans for us are not always on target.

conventional wisdom used to be wise. ... Now, today, the world's changing so fast that people become wise for a world that's no longer there.

In a stable world, it made sense to figure out your career goal and then map the steps to achieve it. That's what my students often try to do. Experts call it the plan-and-implement strategy.

When my dad was a kid, you know, you pick a career and you go into, basically, a 40-year tunnel and you come out for retirement.

But today, careers are rarely that linear. You're not picking a tunnel anymore. Careers are really fluid and the world's changing quickly.

So instead of plan-and-implement, we might be better off with a different approach. It's called test-and-learn. Think of yourself a little like a scientist, running experiments on your career. You have a hypothesis that a job might be a good learning opportunity, and you're going to try it out to find out if you're right or wrong. One recent study looked at people who had career catapults that launched them onto the fast track to become CEOs or top executives in major companies. They didn't plan those moves in advance. They just kept their eyes open for interesting challenges. For some, it was taking a step sideways or even backward to build something from scratch. For others, it was inheriting a big mess and proving they could clean it up. For many, it was taking a big leap outside their comfort zones.

It doesn't have to be perfect. A lot of times, you get surprised by something you learn when you're there and it leads to something you never expected.

Focus less on having a picture-perfect career; focus more on being competent.

Expecting to love your work is a really high bar. Take a study of college seniors. The ones who were looking for the ideal job felt more negative emotions throughout the job search and ended up less happy with the job they ultimately got. The higher your expectations, the more disappointed you are by everything you don't enjoy about a job. When you're aiming for nirvana, there's a bigger gap between what you want and what you get. You're always evaluating, never experiencing. 

You're left wondering whether there's something better, so you end up comparing the job you have to what might have been, which leaves you with regret. Chasing happiness can chase it away. 

Besides, most entry-level jobs aren't designed to be fun. ... recruiters often try to paint a rosy picture of the job to entice you. Extensive research shows it works. But then it leaves you less productive and more likely to quit. You want to go in with a realistic job preview: an honest portrait of the work, warts and all. Yeah, you might be a little less excited to start. But the data show you're more likely to perform well and stick around.

Often, we're so enamored with the ideal of a job that we don't pay enough attention to what it involves day-to-day. 

Not everyone is going to find a personal paradise at work. Some colleagues and I have found that many people have unanswered callings: passions they never got to pursue in their careers. Sometimes, they're perfectly content to do them as hobbies on the side. In other cases, they find small ways to incorporate those passions into their jobs. 

So, when you're thinking about your career, the best place to start is not to follow your passion. ... a better place to start is ... 

Your job is not always going to fulfill you. And the number one lesson I could offer you, where your work is concerned, is this: become so skilled, so vigilant, so flat-out fantastic at what you do, that your talent cannot be dismissed.

1. https://www.ted.com/talks/worklife_with_adam_grant_the_perils_of_following_your_career_passion/transcript?referrer=playlist-worklife_with_adam_grant_mar_2019&language=en

[bex-la-get]

I love the new prompt! Can I request 5 and 6 for Ethan and Natalie, thank you!

NONNY! You put together the BEST combo! Yes, I love this, let's go!

Note: This takes place in an AU where Nat and Ethan confessed their love for each other, but Nat decided to leave Edenbrook after her residency.

And fair warning: this is gonna be long.

From this ask list.

5) “...you look like you just saw a ghost.”

6) “I... I can’t believe it’s really you. I thought I’d never see you again.”

Five years. Five long years since Natalie had left Edenbrook.

In those five years, she had thrived. After taking a position in the Internal Medicine Department at LAC + USC Medical Center in Los Angeles, Natalie had revamped the medical industry. From fighting Big Pharma companies-- such as Panacea-- on overcharging for basic life-saving medicines and winning to using her experience of saving Naveen's life to revolutionize patient care and saving countless lives, Natalie had become a household name in the medical community and the world.

Ethan had watched from afar via social media and the occasional television interview she had done. He couldn't be prouder of Nat; she had far surpassed anyone's expectations and was reaching new heights every day. But as proud as he was, he couldn't help but feel a bit sad.

He still loved her. He always would. And while he was thrilled Natalie was succeeding in her career-- and he would never ask her to stop doing what she loved-- he silently hoped one day she would come home. That one day, she would come back to him.

He knew it was unlikely. Still, if there was anything Natalie had taught him, it was to never give up on the person you knew you were meant to be with. And he knew Nat was that person for him. So, until he was proven otherwise, he'd hold out hope for her. Always.

------------------

Ethan was walking the halls of Edenbrook, mentally checking off the to-do list for the Board Meeting he had that afternoon, when he saw a familiar head of bright red hair. He almost brushed it off until he heard that all-to-familiar laugh and his heart nearly stopped.

Natalie.

He turned to find the source and saw Nat talking to Sienna and Jackie, looking every bit the successful doctor she had become. What she was doing here, he didn't know; but he didn't very much care. She was here, she was back. But for how long?

Without realizing it, Ethan's feet carried him towards her. He had to see her in person; had to hear her voice and to see her smile.

As he got closer, Sienna spotted him first and she smiled. "Oh, hi Ethan!"

He smiled at Sienna but was quickly distracted by the blue-green eyes he'd missed so much. The moment Natalie spotted him, she grinned and his heart began to pound in his chest. If it were possible, she was more beautiful now than ever; and yet barely anything had changed. Her hair was longer, her face a little more mature and she held herself with all the confidence in the world. But she was still Natalie. She was still his Rookie.

"Ethan!" Natalie said, making her way towards him.

He outstretched his arms and relished in the hug she gave him, enjoying this brief moment where she was back in his arms. "It's good to see you, Rookie," he said, as she pulled away.

She smiled. "I don't know if I'm much of a rookie anymore."

He returned her smile. "You'll always be Rookie to me." There was such fondness in his words that Nat's eyes shined with admiration for a brief moment. His heart was pounding so hard right now, it was a miracle it hadn't burst out of his chest yet.

"What are you doing here? Just visiting?"

"Actually, I was hoping to meet with you, Chief," she replied. "I'd like to talk to you about something."

He raised his eyebrows, intrigued. "Well, you caught me at a good time. I have some time before my next meeting if right now works for you?"

She nodded and waved goodbye to Sienna and Jackie, promising to meet up with them later, and followed Ethan to his office. He closed the door behind them, ensuring their conversation would be private and turned to face her again, sucking in a breath as he met her eyes.

She raised an eyebrow. "Are you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost."

He chuckled. "Yeah, I-- I just can't believe it's really you. I thought I'd never see you again."

She smiled sheepishly. "I did do a pretty bad job of staying in touch, didn't I?"

He shook his head. "You've been busy saving the world," he said. "You have no reason to be sorry for that. But, if I may, I've been following your career, Nat. And I'm very proud of the work you've accomplished. You've become quite the doctor."

She blushed. "Thank you; you know I couldn't have done it without your guidance. You taught me everything I know."

"Now that certainly can't be true; you know far more now than I could have ever taught you."

She chuckled. "Well, maybe a little."

He smiled and fought every urge he had to take her into his arms and kiss her senseless. Keep it together, Ethan. He shook his head. "I'm sorry, you said you had something you wanted to talk to me about. Please, take a seat." He sat behind his desk as she sat across from him and pulled out a black folder from her bag.

"Yes, well," she began, "I've enjoyed my time in LA and I'm proud of the work I've accomplished. But Boston will always be home to me-- though don't tell my mom that, she's still hoping I'll move back to Philly." Ethan chuckled and nodded as Nat continued. "I-- I miss home. I miss Edenbrook. I miss y-- my friends. And... I may or may not have seen that the DT has an opening for the lead position and I thought I'd throw my name in the ring. For the job."

She placed the folder on his desk. "Everything you need to know about the work I've done over the last five years is in this folder and I have several character references, including one from the Chief at LAC. I've also included my notes that I'll be referencing for my book that will be coming out early next year and--"

"Nat," Ethan cut her off. "There's no need for all this. The job is yours."

She looked at him wide-eyed. "What? Just like that? Don't you want to field questions? Ask me about how I'd handle certain situations?"

"I don't need to; I told you, I've been following your career. I know of the work you've done and I've seen first hand how good of a doctor you are. I don't need to field questions, Nat. If you want the job, it's yours."

She smiled. "Thank you, Ethan. I can't describe how grateful I am. I know the team means a lot to you; I'll do you proud."

"You already do."

She blushed. "So, what's next?"

"I'll get the paperwork filled out and sent to HR. Assuming everything goes smoothly and HR doesn't drag their feet, we can have you start as early as next week," Ethan said. "Unless you need more time to settle in?"

Nat shook her head. "No, I already have a place lined up. I'm just crashing with Sienna and Bryce for a couple nights while the movers bring everything up."

Ethan nodded. "Alright; well, I'll get the paperwork set up shortly." He extended his hand out to her. "Welcome back to Edenbrook, Dr. Cusack."

"It's good to be back," she said, shaking his hand. They smiled at each other for a long moment, neither wanting to let go of each other's hand. Natalie seemed to be searching Ethan's eyes for something before she spoke again. "Ethan-- er, I'm going to Donahue's this evening with everyone to celebrate my return to Boston. You're welcome to join us, if you'd like."

He smiled and nodded. "I might stop by for a bit."

Her face lit up. "Okay; then I'll see you there." She slowly-- almost reluctantly-- slid her hand out of Ethan's and grabbed her bag. "See you later then, boss."

He walked her to the door, smiling. "It's really good to see you, Nat," he said. "I-- I'm glad you're back."

The look she gave him nearly took his breath away. If he were mistaken-- and he rarely ever was-- he'd say she looked at him the same way he looked at her: madly in love. "Me too," she said. They looked at each other for another long moment before she looked down at her shoes and cleared her throat. "I'll see you tonight."

"Yeah, see you tonight," he said. He watched as she left and took a deep breath in an attempt to slow his pounding heart. She was back. She was home. It was as if all his hopes and dreams from the last five years were finally coming true. But there was one big question that still needed answering: Did she still want him the way he wanted her?

Only one way to find out.

---------------------------

Donahue's was packed. Ethan had forgotten it was Wednesday, which meant half-off drinks for all EB employees. It was something Reggie had implemented a few years ago in order to get more weekday business. It had worked a little too well and Reggie had to hire more people to keep up with the demand; but business was booming as a result so it wasn't like anyone could complain.

He'd found Nat and her friends easily; they had commandeered one of the biggest booths in the place and were currently taking tequila shots, courtesy of Jackie.

"Jacks, we're not in our twenties anymore," Natalie reasoned as she pushed a tequila shot away from her. "I can't do several shots in a row and still be a human being the next morning!"

"That's quitters talk!" Jackie argued but relented when Nat gave her the unwanted tequila shot. "More fun for me!"

Natalie laughed and shook her head in disbelief, when she spotted Ethan. Her smile grew and she excused herself from the table, getting up to greet him. He returned her smile and welcomed the hug she gave him, once again relishing in the feeling of having her in his arms. "I was wondering when you were going to show," she said, as she pulled away.

He chuckled. "Sorry; being Chief means I have a lot of extra paperwork that needs to be taken care of."

She shook her head. "You're here now. Come on, we're due for another round, anyway, so you came at a good time."

"Actually," he grabbed her hand, stopping her from walking away. "Could-- could we talk for a moment? Privately?"

She nodded, curiosity evident on her face, and followed him outside to the patio which was, surprisingly, empty. Not that Ethan minded; having the patio to themselves meant less prying eyes and ears. He sat at one of the tables and smiled to himself when Nat sat next to him.

"Everything okay?" she asked.

He nodded. "Yeah; I just... Nat, I realize this might not be very professional of me but I need to know." He turned to face her and took a deep breath. "Before you left, you told me you loved me. Do-- do you still feel that way?"

She rolled her lips together in anticipation to answer and he braced himself for rejection. Instead, she took his hand in hers and said the word he desperately needed to hear. "Yes."

"Really?" He almost couldn't believe what he was hearing.

She nodded. "If I'm being honest, Ethan, part of the reason I moved back to Boston was because I missed you, desperately. I still love you. I always will."

He fought back tears and caressed her cheek with his free hand. "I never stopped loving you, either, Nat. I always hoped you'd come home; come back to me. But I couldn't have asked that of you, especially as your career began to thrive."

She smiled. "I know you wouldn't; it's not in your nature." She scooted closer to him on the bench. "But as happy as I've been in my career, I've always been missing one thing: you." She sighed. "I wouldn't take back the success I've had over the years; I wouldn't give up the career I've built for myself because I'm extremely proud of it. But... I can't help but wonder what could've been if I hadn't left. Where would we be? Maybe running the DT together; maybe we would've gotten married, had a couple kids, maybe got a house in the suburbs. I feel like there's a whole life we could've had if I didn't leave."

"We can't sit here and wonder what could have happened, Nat," he reasoned. "You needed to leave to find your footing, spread your wings, and flourish into the incredible doctor you are today. Don't sell yourself short; the things you've accomplished are nothing to sneeze at." He looked at their joined hands and ran his thumb along her knuckles. "I would never ask you to give up your dreams or put your career on hold for me. It killed me to watch you leave but to see you thrive was more than I could have ever asked for."

"Thank you," she said, quietly. She took a deep breath. "But, since I'm home now, and I plan on staying here... maybe we can pick up where we left off? Try the whole dating thing again? And everyone knows I've made a name for myself on my own so you don't have to worry about anyone saying I slept my way to the DT position."

He chuckled and nodded. "Good point." He squeezed her hand. "I would love to pick up where we left off; if that's what you want?" She nodded and he smiled. "Good; because that's all I want too."

Moving faster than he could process, Natalie cupped his face in her hands and kissed him soundly. He melted into the kiss immediately and kissed her back feverishly, his hands gripping themselves tightly around her hips as he pulled her impossibly closer.

Though it had been years, kissing her was so familiar and natural that it was as if no time had passed between them. Her lips fit perfectly with his, full of unspoken words of love and passion. Five years had passed since he last held her in his arms or kissed her, but in an instant, those five years were gone. The only thing that was left was the two of them, making up for lost time with forever spread out ahead of them.

Tag List below the cut:

Tag List (let me know if you want to be added/removed):  @genevievemd @jamespotterthefirst @paulfwesley @ethansdique @openheartfanfics @perriewinklenerdie @little-flowers-on-heaven @stateofgracious @coffeeheartaddict @liaromancewriter @potionsprefect @mm2305 @gryffindordaughterofathena @actuallybored @writer-ish @queencarb @takeharryandgo @lsvdw-blog @itsjustwinter @imaneditorthankyouverymuch-deac @chaoticchopshopheart @ohchoices @maurine07 @oldminniemcg @parisa-kh @shanzay44 @uberamsey @izzyourresidentlawyer @adiehardfan @custaroonie @mia143 @a-crepusculo @takemyopenheart @toadfrog26 @quixoticdreamer16 @barbean @headoverheelsforramsey @natureblooms24 @choicesaddict5

[vantaenims]

paper bandits | jimin

pairing: jimin x reader

genre: high school au | fluff, humor, angst

word count: 12.9k

warning/s: stealing and lots of ogling Jimin moments lmao.

summary:  It’s pretty irresponsible for a student librarian to abandon her tasks in exchange for hiding behind a bookshelf at the back of the library, doing something impermissible with the class president you’re starting to crush really hard but oh well.

masterlist

all rights reserved © vantaenims - do not repost, translate, or claim as your own.

--

The flag ceremony has been taking too long for your liking since the principal of the school managed to squeeze in her infamous ‘short speech’ that’s not even short to begin with as it has already been fifteen minutes when the speech started and she’s probably unaware that she has already taken ten minutes of everyone’s homeroom period.

Also, it isn’t very ideal to stand for an extended time and endure the cold spring air, specially in the early morning. Your school uniform isn’t enough to protect you away from the cold. Sure, you’re fully clothed with your long sleeve shirt, black vest, and navy blue blazer yet your lower body is freezing and suffering with only a skirt to cover your legs hence the reason why you’re brushing your shin against the back of your leg for some warmth.

You were relieved to hear that the principal started to conclude her speech, thinking you could finally do your unfinished Calculus homework for homeroom only to crush you down when she called the Student Council President, Kim Namjoon, for an announcement regarding his school project advocacy he implemented at the beginning of the school year - Project Paper Drive.

It’s main purpose is to encourage students to recycle paper materials such as newspapers, carton boxes, and other paper recyclables you can name. Essentially, the class with the highest contribution of recyclables by the end of the school year will be granted a pool party by the school’s very own swimming pool area plus a free food catering that will only be exclusive for the winning class. 

It’s also the reason why the competition has become fiercer between classes, specially those who are leading in the ranks. Ever since the project started, your class and Namjoon’s have always been battling to take the first place to which Namjoon’s class claimed the top spot during the first quarter only for your class to take their place by the second quarter, leaving you on a tie as of the moment.

“Good Morning! I am here to announce the top five classes this third quarter for Project Paper Drive” Namjoon announced to the microphone as he looked down on the paper he’s holding.

“Do you think we’re at number 1 this time?” Sora - your friend - asked you as she looked back at you with a quite anxious look that mirrors your exact same face right now as you eagerly wait to hear the results.

“I hope so” 

“The top two this time is…” you closed your eyes as you crossed your fingers, hoping that it’ll be Namjoon’s class but you were distracted upon the loud screams by your right when Namjoon spoke up, “Class 3-2! Congratulations Class 4-1 for taking the first place this third quarter!”

You bitterly looked over at Class 4-1 which happens to be Namjoon’s class. A scowl on your face is evident when you see them excitedly cheer each other, knowing how they now have the advantage of winning the project but that’s not what particularly is ticking you off. 

“Isn’t it unfair to let Namjoon’s class participate in this project?” you snickered to Sora.

“I bet he told them the project before the school started so they could have a head start.”

You were about to complain more when Namjoon announced that they'd discovered the school’s archived newspapers in the recyclables but they were unable to trace to which class it came from since all of the recyclables are combined all together and ready for sorting when they have found out. 

Namjoon then warned that the class will be eliminated from the project once they found out which class is responsible for stealing one of the school’s property.

“Everyone sure is competitive to go through those lengths” Sora said as she chuckled but you disregard her statement as you ask about one thing you’re more interested in.

“What happens though if we win next quarter? I mean-” you weren’t able to finish your sentence when your class adviser, Ms. Sung, shushed you as she ordered you to stand straight and put your arms on both of your sides, not even noticing that Namjoon’s done with his announcement, leaving everyone to go back to their own classrooms in an orderly manner. 

As you got back to your room, the once quiet and disciplined class in the school grounds turned into a bit of a chaotic scene now that you only have twenty minutes left for your homeroom period, making everyone in a rush as some get in and out of the room to get their things in their locker while the others are chatting loudly or how the others are doing their unfinished homeworks like what you are doing right now.

You fell asleep last night when you were working on your Calculus homework and you sure do regret it now as it’s the next subject after homeroom and you still have four questions yet to be answered or maybe you could blame it on the school principal’s ‘short speech’.

“Are you done with your Calculus homework?” you urgently asked Sora who just plopped her books down on her table next to yours, reminding yourself to get your things once you're done with this. 

“Here” Sora handed you her homework, thanking her as you wrote down the answers as fast as possible and once you were done, you stood up as you hurriedly made your way towards the door to go to your locker but Ms. Sung called you before you could make it outside the room.

“Y’N, can you call the class president while you’re outside?” you nodded as you got out of the classroom and you were instantly greeted with an empty hallway, considering everyone went through their lockers earlier except for you but you’re clueless where the class president is because you’re pretty much the only person in the hallway that is until you turned around the corner.

You first saw Jimin chatting up with his friends, Taehyung and Minjae, in a serious conversation as they seemed to not even notice your presence when you passed by. Not wanting to disturb their conversation just yet, you opted to head first towards your locker, looking over your schedule that’s pasted inside the door to get the text books you needed for today.

You looked back to see that they’re still completely unaware of your presence until you closed the door of your locker a bit too loudly when you hit it with your shoulder, cutting their conversation short as they glanced up towards the source of the noise.

“Jimin, Ms. Sung is looking for you” you said, walking to them closer with a bit of an embarrassed look for unexpectedly causing too much of a noise.

Jimin looked at his wristwatch, eyes widening once he took notice of the time, “Hey, let’s get back to the room.”

You continue to walk on your own after having said that but then Taehyung appeared right by your side with a big grin, “Y/N, are you done with Calculus?”

“Yeah, it’s on my table” you smiled, rolling your eyes in the process albeit playfully.

Taehyung is the one you’re closest with out of them three, simply because he’s the one sitting behind you. Truth be told, you were annoyed with him at first because of how he would constantly kick your chair during a quiz to ask you for answers but you eventually warmed up to him when he helped you out on that English quiz and since then, you’ve become ‘cheatmates’.

“Stop bothering her” Jimin said as he shoved Taehyung, making the latter chuckle as he ran off towards the classroom, shouting a thank you to you before he disappeared with Minjae inside the room.

“Here, let me help you” Jimin grabbed your books from you whilst offering you the sweetest smile you’ve ever seen.

This is one of the reasons why every girl in high school looks at him with hearts in their eyes but who wouldn’t anyway when Jimin has such a loving nature and an angel like personality - a total surprising quality for boys like his age who are rather rowdy and annoying. 

Not to mention, he’s also smart and reliable thus the reason why he has been consistently elected as the class president for years now which is totally a plus point  and it is true, that Jimin is indeed irresistible but let’s just say that you could describe your admiration for him as a passive one.

Reason is, it’s way too exhausting to like a boy that every girl likes and you don’t even want to deal with the competition so you don’t even wanna bother to join the other girls though you can’t guarantee that you’re safe away from exhibiting the same heart eyes for him from time to time because come on, we’re talking about Park Jimin here - no one can resist his charms.

“Thanks” you said as Jimin placed it on your table, smiling once again before he went towards the teacher’s table.

“Don’t start” you glared at Sora just as she was about to open her mouth.

“I haven’t even said something”

“I know what you’re going to say” you annoyingly replied, knowing full too well that she was just about to tease you as she always does since she’s that kind of person that sees malice in every little kind gesture from a boy and you sometimes hate how she thinks like that but oh well, you’re teenagers after all.

Jimin then walked towards the teacher’s table as he listened to whatever instruction Ms. Sung is giving him and then he politely bowed with a smile after they were done. He then went up the platform, walking towards the center as he spoke to call everyone’s attention.

“Everyone, I think you’ve all known that the project has been more competitive now that Class 4-1 reclaimed their place but there’s nothing to worry about. We still have one quarter left to top them and our recyclables are less than three kilos from them so it’s not much of a hassle to reclaim the top as long as we work on this together.” Jimin said with full determination, igniting everyone’s competitiveness. He was about to step down the platform that is until one of your classmates shared a brilliant suggestion for everyone to follow.

“I’ve got this from our neighbor” Jihyun stood up, raising her four liter plastic water container she brought with her today for the project, “Why don’t we start to collect recyclables around our neighborhood? It could help raise our numbers for this.”

Jimin clapped his hand as she pointed to Jihyun, “Ah yes, that’s a nice idea Jihyun. Any more suggestions?”

Everyone then started to relay one by one all their brainstormed ideas and it’s just fun to watch how the class looks so eager to win the project much like the attitude everyone exudes when it’s the school’s field day. 

Nothing unites a class more when they’re after the same goal of winning, specially when we’re talking about an exclusive year end class pool party. 

--

“Hey, isn’t it time for your shift already?” Sora asked you whilst looking at her wrist watch, making you do the same only for you to see that it’s already 12:40 in the afternoon which could only mean that you’re duty as the student librarian started ten minutes ago.

You scrambled on your feet as you aimlessly collected all of your things including the book you’re too engrossed reading that caused you to miss the time, “I’ll see you later!”

You hastily went out of the cafeteria as you rushed to the short cut, climbing the stairs two steps at a time until you finally made your way inside the library. You paused for a bit as you tried to catch your breath whilst you leaned your hips against the circulation desk.

“Y/N, you’re late” Ms. Kim, the school librarian, looked at you with a smile then looked back down to continue her duty of photocopying some papers, “I’ll let this pass since you’ve never been late.”

“I’m sorry, i was too busy reading and i didn’t notice the time” you said with relief evident in your voice as you went behind the desk to take the remaining papers from her.

Being a student librarian was not something you imagined to do but ever since junior year started, you decided to take on anything that could build up your student resume and get extra credits in preparation for the college entrance exam you’ll be taking in your senior year.

It’s not like it’s an actual bad thing considering you love reading books anyway but besides that you’ve also decided to compete during the school’s field day for the Volleyball game that got  your team winning first place and to top that, your Science Investigatory Project was chosen to be featured during the Science Fair.

An average student is what describes you best but you muster every effort you got in you to be one of the best students out there since you’ve been dreaming of getting into Seoul National University though you must say that you’re still quite lacking when it comes to academics, specifically at Math.

“Is there anything else i can do?” you asked, placing down the stack of photocopied papers next to her.

Ms. Kim shook his head no at you, “There’s nothing else to do so why don’t you use this as your free time.”

You went to sit down on the corner meant for student librarians like you as you do what Ms. Kim has instructed you and it isn’t quick before you get fully immersed again in reading until you notice that you have a few pages left before the book ends.

“Ms. Kim, has the sequel for this book got returned already?” you asked, remembering how the book is supposed to be returned by now but you don’t recall putting it back on the shelf.

“Oh right”, Ms. Kim snapped her fingers as she remembered something, “I forgot to tell you it was returned last week.”

Getting up, you then proceeded to go to the fiction section where you instantly spotted the second book. You’re reading one of the most in demand book series today which is The Maze Runner. Since everyone’s been dying to borrow it, you took it out of the fiction section as you went at the far right end of the library where the Math section is located to hide it there just because no one really scans Math books anyway which makes it the perfect hiding spot.

As you were about to leave, you heard a knock coming from the back door of the library, causing you to furrow your brows at why would someone knock there when that door isn’t meant to be used since it leads to the fire exit. Regardlessly, you walk around the bookshelf covering the door only for you to discover something unusual.

A boy is crouched down in front of the door as he got an old newspaper from the pile next to him, slipping it under the door where it was pulled fastly as if there’s another person at the other side of the door. You were confused about what's happening until you started to piece out everything just when you recalled Namjoon’s announcement regarding the Paper Drive Project.

Holy shit, this must be the culprit who’s stealing newspapers for the project.

“Ms. Kim! I found the…” you shouted out, ready to snitch the boy who’s cheating their way in the project but you weren’t able to finish your sentence when the boy turned around with a quite startled look and next thing you know, he had his hand around your mouth to shut you up, eventually pinning you against the bookshelf in the process. 

“Y/N…?” the boy in front of you sighed, removing his hand from you to place it instead on top of his chest.

“Jimin?” you bewilderedly looked at him with so many questions running around your head as you look over the pile of newspapers and then back at him, “Are you...the one stealing newspapers?” you asked, lowering your voice as you said the last part.

Before Jimin could answer you, he went back to the door to knock on it two times as if he’s sending some sort of a signal to someone from the other side. Jimin ran his hands along his hair only for him to pull it from frustration whilst he had his other hand rested on his waist with a quite stressed look.

“You’re not going to report me, are you?” Jimin glanced up at you with a worrisome look.

“I don’t know?” you stammered as you try to process everything.

Of course, he forgot that you’re a student librarian and it’s obviously your job to report instances like this but a part of him is confident that you won’t snitch him just because you’re in the same class and you both know that you don’t want the class to get eliminated from the project though he could only hope you’re thinking the same thing as him.

“Um, I guess i need to explain” Jimin grabbed your hand to drag you out behind the bookshelf as he guided you both towards the rows of tables and chairs but your attention was called before you could even settle on your seats.

“Y/N? What happened?” 

Well, you thought you’re being so clever to find out the culprit only for you to end up digging your own grave or let’s just say a mass grave for your class because what are you supposed to say to Ms. Kim? That you find the newspaper thief who happens to be Jimin? 

No,you can’t do that - you can’t risk your class not when the pool party is at stake here.

You should probably think of a lie right now but what’s worse is that you’re a very bad liar and that’s a fact but you should put your best into saying something that’ll make sense. You’re way too deep making up a lie in your head that Jimin had to squeeze your hand - that is surprisingly still holding his - when he noticed you’re taking way too long to answer.

“Ah i found the sequel” you nervously laughed as you pointed your hand swiftly towards the Math section, too swiftly that your hand almost slammed into Ms. Kim’s face who’s clearly startled by your sudden movement, causing you to bite your lip in embarrassment.

God, I’m so awful.

“I was looking for it in the fiction section and it’s - Sorry, i just got excited...i guess” you stopped yourself from rambling, not trusting yourself that you might spew out some nonsense and make yourself more obvious. 

“Alright but remember the rule” she eyed the acrylic banner on the wall that says ‘Please Keep Quiet.’

“Yes, Ms. Kim and I’m sorry again” 

Ms. Kim smiled at the both of you as she left, leaving Jimin to tug you towards the table that’s the farthest from the occupied ones and you are once again reminded of your still intertwined hands that you’ve unknowingly been holding on to ever since you caught him at the back of the library.

As you both sat down side by side, you cleared your throat awkwardly as you tried to unclasp your hand from Jimin who quickly detached your hand from his as he muttered an apology.

“Thank you for not telling,” Jimin muttered as he intertwined both of his hands instead on top of the table but he was suddenly taken aback with the tone of your voice when you spoke up.

“You could’ve been in so much trouble only if it weren’t for me! What would you do if you were caught by someone else!?” you whispered shout as you voiced out your frustration but more so because you’re still stuck in a state of disbelief that Jimin did this and it looks like there must’ve been a glitch in the system for him to be the culprit.

“Well, I guess, I’m lucky you caught me,” Jimin said as he tried to gauge your previous reaction, not really expecting for you to go off on him.

“That’s not the point. I mean, why do you have to steal those newspapers?” you can’t decipher why he needs to risk the class by stealing when there are good various suggestions made by your classmates awhile ago for you to win.

“I’m not stealing, I’m recycling them” Jimin stated out, causing you to furrow your brows even further at his dumb sounding statement, “Look, do you want to have the pool party or not?”

“I do, as much as everyone else” Jimin pointed at you, thinking he got his point across when you’re in fact still a bit lost.

Jimin then began to explain to you that this plan started after the end of the second quarter when your class placed first for the project and everyone looked joyous at the achievement. That specific moment sparked some kind of pride in him hence the reason why he felt the need to win the project for the class.

“Why newspapers though? Why not cardboard boxes, don’t they weigh heavier?”

“Yes, cardboard boxes are heavier but newspapers are being printed daily and they become pretty much useless the next day” Jimin glanced back towards the back of the library before continuing, “There are newspapers there dated five years ago. Why just keep them there when you can recycle them, right?”

Jimin quirked his brows along with a mischievous smile and you could swear that you feel like he’s being such a villain yet a hero at the same time - a Robin Hood of some sorts when he got you convinced by his statement right then and there.

“You’re not the only one on this plan, are you?” you narrowed your eyes as you remember how the newspaper was fastly pulled out as soon as he slipped it under the door.

“Taehyung and Minjae as well but i hope you won’t tell this to your friends or the class since you know, it could be risky and the fewer, the better”

“Okay” you sighed as you got up, ready to leave to go back to the circulation desk but Jimin is a bit discontented with your answer as he’s still perplexed if he could really trust you not to tell everyone.

“Wait” Jimin held your arm, making you sit back down “Do you think it would be smart to have another one in?”

“What do you mean?”

“I just realized that you can be my lookout and since you’re the student librarian, that automatically makes you the least suspicious one to be doing this”

“Like an inside job?” you gave Jimin a deadpan look because if you agree, you could be at risk of losing your extra credits and potentially ruin your credentials if you were caught by chance but on the other note, the pool party is too tempting.

“If you like to call it that way. So is it a deal?” Jimin cheekily smiled, leaning forward to you with his hand held out under the table.

You didn’t contemplate it too much because next thing you know, you grabbed his hand to seal the deal.

--

You were out of focus as soon as you heard your stomach grumble, too hungry to even process the discussion about the difference between Ionic Bond and Covalent Bond in Chemistry. As if the gods were in your favor, you looked at the clock above the whiteboard to see that there’s five minutes left before lunch time.

Bored as wits, you pushed down on your click pen as you synchronized it with the ticking movement of the second hand of the clock but it looks like Sora’s not too pleased at what you were doing as she snatched the pen away from your hold.

“Stop, it’s annoying” Sora hissed.

“I’m hungry” you grumbled, regretting it now that you skipped breakfast and recess just because you told yourself that you’re going to take your diet seriously now but it looks like you can’t even make it through your first day.

“What did I tell you? Skipping meals is unhealthy.”

“It’s called intermittent fasting” you reminded Sora as you huff, laying your back against your chair, still looking at the time that seems to be slower than ever so you decided to observe your classmates in the room.

Half the students at the back were either sleeping or chatting up with their seatmate while those who are in front are too engrossed in the lesson whilst you in the middle seems to be caught in between the mood of those who are at the front and back.

Your eyes then remained to the person on the right side of the room who’s seating one row ahead of you, realizing that it has been a week already since you caught him stealing newspapers at the back of the library. 

Also, it has been a week when you became part of the plan though you still have not done your job of being a look out since you suggested to Jimin that you need to wait for at least a week for the issue to die down before you could continue. 

You have mutually agreed that you could only steal the newspapers once or twice a week with no particular day since having a pattern could get you caught plus you still have to do your job of being a student librarian.

But that’s not what you have in mind right now because you’re stuck in admiring Jimin’s face and observe how he has such a perfectly nice jaw yet he has such cute fluffy cheeks that you’d want to squish and bite if given the chance because look at him, he looks like such a warm rice cake served every new year.

You snapped out of your weird thoughts that are definitely caused by your hunger and thankfully, the bell rang just as you glanced back towards the clock, causing you to immediately stand up as you rushed towards the door but your attention was called before you could make it outside.

You looked at the source to see Jimin raised his eyebrows at you, taking the hint that today’s going to be the first time you’ll be executing the plan with them and you’re painfully nervous for it that you only even spent twenty minutes out of your allotted thirty minutes lunch time before you got yourself in the library.

Thankfully, Ms. Kim’s always lenient with you and you don’t have that much task to do today besides stapling twenty sets of papers. After that, you headed straight towards the back of the library to meet Jimin who’s sitting on the floor as he patiently waited for you and once you’re back there, he began to slip the newspapers under whilst you stayed behind the bookshelf as you peeked outside in between the spaces.

“Do you know the reason why the council was able to find out about the stolen newspapers” you asked as you looked back on Jimin who’s busy slipping the newspapers under the door whilst he’s crouching down.

“Why?”

“It’s because the school seal is stamped at the back.”

Jimin paused for a moment to look at the back of the newspaper to confirm your statement and sure enough, the school seal is there to straight up remind him how dumb he must’ve been to not notice it.

“So you better remove that page before you put it in the paper drive” you said.

“See, this is the reason why it’s smart to have you in” you shook your head, smiling as you went back to looking outside.

“I think it’d be also good if you could switch your place with Taehyung or Minjae to not raise suspicion” 

“Okay, then we’ll do that”

Since there are only a few students inside the library, you sat down on the floor with your crossed ankles and your right shoulder against the bookshelf. Your position right now has given you a perfect view of Jimin discarding his blazer at the moment, leaving him only with his buttoned up white shirt but not only that, he also rolled up the sleeves up to his elbows as if that isn't such a sight to look at.

Jimin may be facing his back to you but this is enough for you to get a good view of his physique but then you should really stop these inappropriate thoughts. 

As if Jimin sensed you watching him, he’s just right in time to catch you in the act of gawking at him that made you straight out bashful as you try to look anywhere but him.

“Are you tired?” 

“Just a bit” you twisted your body so you could direct your gaze through the gaps of the bookshelf whilst you busy your hands as you pressed your palms down on your legs to act as if they’re hurting though you’re more likely just fizzing out your embarrassment.

It was silent after that and it just made things awkward, specifically for you as you try to think of a topic you could talk about since you and Jimin are not close to begin with, maybe just an acquaintance. 

You were racking your brain for some ideas until your eyes wandered over the Math Section, “You’re good at Calculus, right?”

“I think i just take it in well” 

You let out a little huff as soon as you heard his humble remark, “You always get the highest scores in exams.” The compliment made Jimin shy as he smiled in a way that made his eyes turn into little crescents, making him look so undeniably adorable.

“What about you?” 

“I suck at Math” you chuckled, “I’m pretty good at History though since i could memorize the dates or details pretty easily.”

“Well, i suck at History so that makes us fair”

Jimin knocked on the door twice, once he slipped the last newspaper as he dusted off his hand before sitting down with his back against the door and is now facing you, “I could teach you Calculus if you want.” 

“Huh?” The offer came out of nowhere and it was so sudden, causing you to raise your eyebrows at him in surprise.

“I mean, we have a test on Calculus this Thursday” Jimin said as he looked at you, waiting for your response but he was met with none, “If you just want help is all.”

You don’t have to say anything for Jimin to figure out that you were not interested at all and he regrets it now that his statement might have sounded too forward for you so he stood up, unrolling his sleeves as he grabbed the blazer off of the floor as quickly as possible.

“Yeah, sure” you stood up as well, straightening down your skirt as you watch Jimin halt his movements. 

You don’t even know why you got nervous for a moment when Jimin just asked if he could help you in Calculus but your mind sure does have a way of thinking that maybe he’s making a move on you when in reality he’s just being the kind person he is.

“Oh okay, does after class sound good?” Jimin’s voice peeked a little at your answer.

“I still have to go here after class though.”

“I could go here then we could also study here, is that okay?” 

You think your heart just skipped a little after hearing that but you composed yourself as you nodded at him but you think your heart skipped for the second time when he smiled to display once again those cute little crescented eyes that you so began to adore just now.

--

Sora twirled the blue ribbon from your ponytail around her fingers as she watch how focused you are in writing down the notes for your last subject whilst her attention is the total opposite from you, too eager for the class to be dismissed so you could now both go to the mall to eat out and do some window shopping.

“Where do you want to eat?” you stopped writing, head turning sideways as you raised your eyebrows until it dawned on you that you have agreed to go to the mall with her last week and it must’ve totally slipped your mind hence why you’re giving her now an apologetic look.

“Can we go tomorrow instead? I kind of need to study today”

“Study with Jimin?” you playfully rolled your eyes, ignoring her question as you went back to write, “What’s with you and Jimin?” 

“Nothing”

“Well, you sure do spend a lot of time together lately” Sora is in fact not lying when she said that. Not only were you just getting the archived newspapers at the library but your after class study sessions have become a daily routine for you two ever since last week.

You understood Calculus much better now and thanks to Jimin’s help that you’re now able to get higher scores in your quizzes and you must say that he’s equally doing good in History too because as it turns out, you discovered that Jimin retains the details much better when someone is quizzing him.

“Normally, i’d be pissed you forgot our mall date but i’ll let you pass since we’re talking about your lovelife here.”

“Sora” you warned, getting annoyed at her constant teasing.

“What? I have a feeling you’d end up with Jimin before the end of the school year” you scoffed at her oddly specific statement.

“And how could you be so sure about that?”

A piece of paper was placed on top of your notebook and upon seeing it, you immediately saw your full name and Jimin’s though it’s a bit incomprehensible to read because of how the common letters are crossed off for unknown reasons until you saw the word ‘FLAMES’ written on capital letters below your names and you could only glare at Sora when you saw where the circle landed on - L for Lovers.

“What are you? A middle schooler?” you soon burst into a chuckle, finding the whole thing ridiculous.

“FLAMES never fails, trust me” you shook your head as you went on to pack your things once you heard the bell ring.

“I’m sorry Sora, See you tomorrow then” you waved, slinging your backpack over your shoulder.

“You better not forget it” Sora accusedly pointed at you, chuckling as you nodded your head as you went out of the classroom.

You stopped by your locker first to stuff in your things except for your Calculus book and notes since Jimin will be teaching you about Limits on Combined Functions for today.

Arriving first in the library, you then proceeded to finish your task for today which is to return books into their proper place. Thankfully, there were only four books that got returned, leaving you with pretty much nothing left for you to do after so you instead got yourself settled on one of the tables as you opened the textbook and scanned the notes you took that you barely understand anyway but might as well try.

“Hey” Jimin greeted you, sitting himself down next to you as he unzipped his backpack to get out his things, “Did you understand the lesson a while ago?”

Shaking your head, you give him an apologetic look, “Not so much.”

“That’s okay, I'll just explain it from the start” Jimin told you as the sweetheart he is. 

Opening the textbook, Jimin started to explain the lesson a while ago with no difficulty as he constructed graphs and wrote out the solutions so you could see the step by step process. You’re thankful that he’s being so patient with you no matter how many questions you throw at him but he said that it’s good to be inquisitive than to be uninterested.

Once you finally get the gist of it, you find yourself staring lost at his face and watch how he looks so cool just talking about functions and their limits. How unfair is it that he doesn’t have to exert much effort to look so ethereal, no wonder he’s so good at catching everyone’s hearts.

So handsome.

Jimin suddenly looked at you with a smile forming on his face when he caught you looking at him and you panicked thinking that you might’ve voiced out your thoughts out loud but he’s looking at you as if he’s waiting for you to speak.

“Huh?”

Jimin smiled as he then pointed towards the parabola he constructed on the Cartesian Plane, “I said, What’s the f(g(-8))?”

“Oh um wait” you grabbed the paper from him as you analyzed the graph, “It’s 5.”

Jimin enthusiastically nodded his head, “It’s not so hard is it?” 

Your study session for Calculus went on as Jimin gave you five more exercise questions from the textbook before you called it a day once you proved that you understand the lesson when you answered all the questions right.

“Aren’t you going home yet?” Jimin asked as he stood up to push in his chair, backpack clinging into his shoulder.

“I still need to clean up a bit then I'm good to go” you told him as you picked up some crumpled papers under the table.

“I’ll help you”

“No, it’s fine” you dismissed him as you waved your hand no to him but he already removed his backpack as he helped you by aligning and fixing the tables and chairs. Knowing Jimin, he would persistently insist to help you no matter how many times you try to deny his offer so you just let him be as you went on to shut down the computers.

“Leave that, it’s fine” you chuckled when he was about to remove the trash bag from the bin, “Good bye, Ms. Kim!”

“Good bye” Ms. Kim waved to the both of you, “Oh and thank you Jimin for helping us clean.”

“No worries, Ms. Kim. Take care!” As you said your farewells, you and Jimin both descended down the stairs as you got out of the building.

It’s such a weird sight for the quadrangle to be this empty and you figured that you must’ve studied longer than the usual when you see the sky painted in hues of pink and orange that could only mean that the sun had already begun to set - it’s already quarter to six when you took a look on your wristwatch.

“Ah, I can't believe it's rush hour already” Jimin sighed once he saw how crammed the bus stop right beside your school is with everyone aggressively fighting for their way to get onto the bus quickly, “Do you want to go to 7-Eleven to past time?”

“Yeah, sure” It’s late anyway so what’s the difference with getting home later when you know that you’ll be standing at the bus stop for fifteen minutes or so before you could eventually get in a bus and go home.

The door chimes rang once you got inside the store with you heading straight towards the Slurpee machine to get yourself some Wild Cherry. Jimin followed suit as he got a cup for himself, placing it under the dispenser for Coke but what intrigued you the most is that he mixed it with Wild Cherry.

“Does that taste good?” you gave him a look of distaste as you watched him put the lid on his cup.

“Why don’t you try it for yourself” 

“My cup’s already full”

“Drink it, the attendant wouldn’t even see you” Jimin stood beside you to give you some cover and you took the chance to hurriedly sip on your slurpee which you kind of regret now that you got a brain freeze.

“Sometimes i think you’re just being nice so you could cancel out doing your little evil things” you chuckled as you mixed a quarter of Coke into your Wild Cherry. 

“Not really” Jimin smiled as you both lined up, “Do you want some snacks? It’s my treat.”

“See, you’re back to being nice again but you don’t have to, it’s okay” you said, opening your wallet to get some money but Jimin beat you to it when he handed the bill to the attendant.

“Think of it as my reward for you since you did pretty well on Calculus today.”

“Okay, thank you then” you smiled, walking over towards the seat and table by the window, you both sat down side by side, sipping on your mixed flavored Slurpees - which is surprisingly good -  as you watch the bus stop across from where you are.

“You sure you don’t want anything to eat?”

You shook your head, “It’ll be dinner time soon and my mom would scold me if i told her i’m full.”

“Well, same here” Jimin chuckled as he stopped eyeing the aisle of chips behind you, joining you instead in looking out the window.

“Who do you think will get on the bus first? Miss striped shirt girl or Mister black turtleneck?” you asked as you take interest towards the two figures standing in front, giving them an advantage to get in the bus quicker than the others.

“Wanna bet on it? You need to treat me the next time we’re here if i win.”

“Okay and if I win, you need to treat me again”,  you said, “I’ll pick Miss Striped Shirt”

Jimin stroked his chin as he think of something to say about the man, “I think Mister Turtleneck will let Miss Striped Shirt go in first just because he dresses like a gentleman to me”

You scoffed, “Chivalry doesn’t exist when it’s rush hour, specially when everyone is equally itching to go home.” 

“Let’s see and wait” and so you did with full seriousness as you put both of your arms on the table, still sipping on your slurpee as you keep your eyes focused on the two of them until a bus arrived, blocking your view of Miss Striped Shirt and Mister Turtleneck completely thus you wait until you can fully see again the bus stop.

“What do you want?” you spoke defeatedly as soon as Miss Striped Shirt disappeared, leaving behind Mister Turtleneck on the bus stop.

“This same Slurpee and a Jjapaghetti.”

“Fine.”

“Oh and some hot bar too and maybe -”

“Hey! you’re milking it” you argued whilst you pushed his shoulders albeit playfully.

Jimin laughed, standing up as he readjusted his backpack and throwing out the now empty red cup into the bin, “Let’s go, it’s getting dark.”

And that’s how your daily study sessions in the library also turned into daily food trips across the 7-Eleven in front of your school while you wait for the rush hour to die down, betting on people at bus stops as you drink on Slurpees and snack on convenience store food finds that is sometimes treated by you or Jimin - depends on the winner of the last bet.

Slowly, you’ve come to learn that rush hours are not so bad after all.

--

It’s lunch time and you’re supposed to be at the back of the library but you’re stuck behind the circulation desk this time as you were told to cut up evaluation forms which means that Jimin is left to fend for himself though you’ve warned him to be cautious for the time being you’re not there to be his look out.

Letting out a hiss, you dropped the scissors as you pressed your fingers on the red spot that appeared along the base of your thumb and index finger, relieving them from hand fatigue. If it had not been for the broken paper cutter, you would’ve been done by now but it just had to be broken when you needed it the most - how cruel this world is.

You didn’t let the sound of the door opening bother you but you were able to make out the conversation between the student and Ms. Kim for your ears to perk up. The student is asking her for an Accounting Book - not sure why she’s looking for it but Ms. Lee answered her with delight as she pointed out that it’s in the Math Section.

Math Section.

Those two words are enough for you to drop what you’re doing as you leaned backwards in your chair, taking a good glimpse of who this student is and to your surprise, she just happens to belong in Namjoon’s class.

Before you could interject to say that you’ll look it up for her, she left as she walked straight further down at the back of the library, causing you to stand up as you briskly follow her footsteps but she just seems to be much quicker than you now that she’s halfway through.

Gladly, she stopped from walking as she looked over the voice that called her name. She waved to the group of students seated on a table as she first made her way to them which is enough for you to buy some time and go towards the back of the library to remind Jimin.

“Someone’s coming over here” you whispered as you tapped on Jimin’s shoulder.

“Who?”

“I don’t know but she’s in Namjoon’s class” you told him frantically but Jimin rather looks way too relaxed as he still continuously slips out newspapers, “Come on, let’s go before we get caught.”

“Just a few more.” 

“Jimin, I think that’s enough already” you’ve seen way too many movies or documentaries about thievery or such for you to know that most of them goes unsuccessful because they’re being greedy at the last minute when they could’ve made it if they just chose to let some of it go. 

Well, you could only hope that it won’t happen to the both of you.

“Two newspapers and i’m done” you huffed as you let him be, seeing that Namjoon’s classmate is still talking with those students.

You continue to peer through the spaces of the shelf until Jimin alerts you with bad news, “Shit, it’s stuck.”

“Push it” you looked back to see that Jimin managed to insert a bunch of newspapers in one go, making it impossible for the newspaper to go through the other side no matter how much he pushed it with his hands.

Abandoning your position by the shelf, you went to the door as you kicked the newspaper forcefully but it wouldn’t budge so you lower your head down by the space under the door to give out a message. 

“Taehyung, pull it out harder.”

“Why won’t it go through!?” Jimin whispered in frustration as he continued to push it whilst you just stared at him with an annoyed expression when he should have listened to you in the first place but this is no place for you to argue so you just stood up as you went back behind the shelf.

Panic settled in within you once again when you saw Namjoon’s classmate gone on the table and now see that she’s making her way towards the Math Section. 

“She’s coming! Hurry!” you whispered and looked back to see that there was no progress for the stuck newspaper, making you lose your mind as your anxiety picked up because getting out of the place is surely not a viable option for you anymore, not when she’s too close in your area.

“Fuck! What do we do now!?” Jimin’s hair is messed up with how many times he mindlessly ran his fingers through it.

“I don’t know, just pull it back inside” you clutched both of your hands on the shelf, causing a book to fall with a thud, cursing yourself when Namjoon’s classmate looked at your direction and you swear you wanted to cry right then and there when she instead took the path towards where you’re hiding.

“Oh shit, she’s going here” you try to think of any lie to save your asses but you can’t come up with anything and this might be the end of it - Karma finally managed to catched up to chew on you both and you could now only bid your farewell towards the pool party you’ve all dreamed to have.

You heaved, finally accepting your demise when you suddenly heard the two knocks coming off of the back door but before you could even process it. A pair of hands grabbed you by the shoulders, turning you around so swiftly that made you step back to regain your balance until your back hit against the shelf.

There’s a little to no space between you and Jimin but that space was soon closed off when Jimin leaned dangerously close to your face and you didn’t have enough time to ask what he was doing when you felt a pair of lips against yours, taking your breath away completely.

You’re not entirely sure what’s happening right now or maybe your mind cannot wrap around the fact that Jimin is kissing you right now and holding you so close with his hand placed on your waist whilst the other is on your neck.

Instinctively, you flutter your eyes shut as you place your hand on his shoulders, kissing him back and it must’ve caught Jimin off guard when you felt his body suddenly get tense and how his hold on your waist tightened a bit. 

You can hear the sound of your rapid heartbeat through your ears and you’re quite clueless if it happens to be coming off from the adrenaline or right in this exact moment but just as you were getting into it, your thoughts were then interrupted by an audible gasp coming from your side.

“Oh um...sorry.”

You broke the kiss, head turning to the side to conceal your face away from the person who just caught you two kissing. You let out a breath you didn’t even know you were holding in the beginning as your mind wandered at the fact that Jimin’s arm is still around you, keeping you close as ever.

You gently pushed Jimin’s shoulder to create some distance between you two because you’re quite not sure if your heart could bear more this kind of intimacy that felt so foreign yet felt so good at the same time and you don’t know what to make out of this situation.

What the hell just happened.

Stunned, you touch your still tingling lips with your fingers as you try to process everything. You’d actually thought you were going to be caught but you totally weren’t expecting that you’d end up kissing Jimin or how you actually didn’t expect for this to be your first kiss even.

Glancing up, you were immediately met with Jimin’s eyes but you instantly avoided his stare as you tried to look elsewhere other than him as awkwardness began to slowly fill in the air. It must’ve looked like Jimin’s dumbfounded with what just happened too as he started to act fidgety just like you do.

“You uh have something there” you broke the silence as you pointed to the corner of his mouth where you could perfectly see the pink stain that came from your tinted lip balm. Jimin glided his tongue along his lips before he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

The awkwardness remained when Jimin refused to talk, leaving you to move your feet quickly as you tried to escape out of there but you didn’t have the chance when Jimin suddenly grabbed your hand, holding you back in place. 

“Y/N, I’m - There’s no other way to explain why we’re here” Jimin said as he scratched the back of his neck.

Well, that’s a fair point because honestly, it’s more reasonable for two students to be caught making out at the back of the library than to be caught stealing archived newspapers except that the former sounds way too controversial but do you really have a choice back there?

“Um yeah, at least we’re not caught” you chuckled and you cringe at how forced it sounds.

“Yeah” Jimin muttered that’s barely above a whisper. It’s definitely getting more awkward here so you take this as a cue to leave again.

“I have to go back” you eyed Jimin’s hand that’s still holding you, “you know, to cut up some forms.”

“Right, yeah” Jimin chuckled as he loosened his hold around your wrist to pick up his blazer off the floor instead, “Um are we good?”

“Yeah, of course” you reassured him with a smile as you finally met his gaze.

Walking back, your smile completely faltered as you thought about how Jimin believed you right there when in fact you’re still a bit unsure for yourself if things could go back to normal after this but it looks like you must’ve improved in telling lies and you don’t know if this is something you should be proud of. 

--

Lowering down your book, you take a glimpse of the surroundings around you and your gut feeling is right to tell you that someone is staring at you or should you say that everyone is staring at you unsubtly. 

“Is there something on my face?” you asked Sora as you closed your book to put it down the table, making everyone look away as they go back into their own worlds. 

“You have a new pimple on your chin” Sora pointed out to you using her chopsticks before picking another piece of Gimbap to chew on. 

That isn’t surely something for everyone to look at but you have a bad feeling that this has something to do with the kiss you shared with Jimin yesterday but could news really be that fast to spread out? 

“Anyway, i need to get going” 

As you walk to exit the cafeteria, you try to keep your head down, feeling extra conscious today with everyone’s attention on you and that is something you hated - to be the center of attention.

When you got yourself inside the library, you went inside the circulation desk to sit on your corner as you grabbed the scissors to finish up the remaining forms but your movement was halted when a hand was placed on top of your shoulder.

“Y/N, how are you feeling today?” Ms. Lee said with a lace of concern in her voice.

You were confused for a moment until you recalled that you excused yourself for your after class duties in the library yesterday, telling her that your dog had just died even though you clearly don’t even have a pet at home.

“I’m fine, still a bit sad is all” 

“I’m sorry again for your loss but it’ll get better day by day” Ms. Lee rubbed her hand on your back before she went back to her seat, leaving you to continue your task.

Honestly, you’ve made up that excuse just so you could go home right away and not meet Jimin for your study session in fear of facing him. You just can’t control being shy or an awkward mess around Jimin after the kiss hence the reason why you try your best to avoid him in all places as much as possible to save you from embarrassment but you can’t help but be curious about one thing.

“Was Jimin here yesterday after class?” you asked.

“Oh yes, he was actually looking for you so i had to relay the news to him if you don’t mind.”

You smiled, nodding your head in understanding but there’s also one thing you’re curious about, “Did he stay here to study?”

Ms. Lee hummed, “He even helped me to clean the library before I closed it down, such a good friend you have”

“Yeah, he is” you mumbled, feeling bad that you stood him up and how childish it is of you to avoid him just because you really don’t like confrontations. You’re just trying to compose your thoughts and feelings before you could muster the courage to face him is what you like to prefer what you’re actually doing.

Before you could delve into it too much, the ringing sound of the landline phone distracted you. Ms. Lee then tapped you on the shoulders, telling you if you could attend to the student in front of her whilst she answered the call.

“Hi, how may i help you?” you asked as you sat down on Ms. Lee’s chair.

“I’d like to check out these books please.”

“Please scan your I.D.” you instructed whilst you typed in the necessary details but you can’t help but notice how she whispered something to her friend who’s right beside her but you were only able to coherently hear the word ‘ribbon.’

You lifted your head only to be able to meet her widened eyes as she frantically blurted out a question to you, “Your ribbon looks nice, where’d you get that?”

You touch the ends of the blue ribbon wrapped around your ponytail, a bit skeptical for her sudden enthusiasm about the ribbon when it’s plainly just an ordinary thing and can be commonly found almost everywhere but you gave her an answer nonetheless.

“I bought it in a department store” you politely smiled as you handed her borrowed books.

“Ah it’s very pretty” she gathered her books off the desk, smiling at you, “thank you!”

You suspiciously looked at the girl as she left the library but shrugged it off completely, thinking you’re just being too paranoid and she’s just genuinely curious to know about your ribbon.

There’s no way this is about you and Jimin.

Lunch break flew by in a matter of seconds because next thing you know, you’re sitting inside the classroom once again, taking down notes about the Joseon Dynasty when you noticed Sora looking at you in your peripheral vision.

“What?” you asked. Normally, you’d just ignore her but it bothers you that she’s evidently looking at you the way everyone has been doing since this morning.

Sora lifted her fingers as she gingerly twirled your blue ribbon around her fingers, “You never told me you weren’t just studying with Jimin.”

“What do you mean?” you leaned closer, hoping that she won’t say the exact same thing you’re thinking about. 

“Well, according to the news spreading around. Jimin was seen in the back of the library making out with a girl wearing a blue ribbon around her ponytail”

Oh no.

So you weren’t being delusional after all but you guessed it right that news about you and Jimin has spread like wildfire around the campus judging by everyone’s looks and how the girl from the library awhile ago isn’t actually curious about your ribbon but she was particularly playing to be interested because you happen to be the mystery girl involved in the school gossip.

“And everyone thinks it’s me?” you scoffed.

“It’s a very specific detail and it perfectly describes you plus all i know, your hair has always been styled like that ever since middle school.”

You were about to get more defensive that is until a sudden loud thud caught you by surprise, making everyone in the class direct their attention in front to discover that Mr. Song apparently slammed the textbook against the teacher’s table on purpose.

“Ms. Yun and Y/L/N, would you like to share your conversation with the class?”

In a matter of seconds, everyone’s eyes turned towards the both of you and you could never wish more for the floor to swallow you whole. 

“I’m sorry” you meeked with Sora following after you.

“I’m sure everyone is interested to hear whatever you’re talking about, right class?” Mr. Song chuckled and you swear you’re so close to tearing up because your teacher has to downright embarrass you in front of everyone as if today’s events aren’t the worst for you. 

Biting your lip, you remained silent as your shaking eyes scanned to look at your classmates and you’re just thankful they didn’t find Mr. Song’s statement to be humorous at all as their face remained stoic or they’re just too intimidated to speak up. 

Coincidentally, your gaze fell on Jimin who offered you an apologetic smile and you can’t say that the gesture comforted you a little bit though you didn’t explicitly show it to him as you quickly diverted your eyes back on the floor.

“I won’t endure this kind of behavior again, is this clear for everyone?” Mr. Song sternly looked at the both of you before he continued the discussion.

You slumped on your seat as you put your hand against your temple. Sighing, you picked up your pen, trying your best to diligently take down notes despite your worsened mood and as you remembered your conversation with Sora, you loosened the blue ribbon around  your ponytail, letting your hair cascade down your face for the first time ever in school.

--

You can’t believe you find yourself at the back of the library again despite how the place has gone controversial for you because of the school gossip but you remind yourself that you’re only here because this is going to be the last time you’ll play your part as the lookout since the winner for the project will be announced at the flag ceremony on Monday.

Obviously, you’re not with Jimin this time but with Taehyung. It has been a week and you’re still avoiding Jimin who’s still consistently trying to get you to talk with him. He would constantly send you messages but you never click on it to view it or how he would still go to the library after class even though you won’t show up.

All those efforts made by him eventually stop after you have ignored him for four days - he altogether didn’t send you messages anymore, he didn’t even come at the library after class, or how he would also ignore you whenever you pass by each other at the classroom or the hallways which eventually made the gossip rapidly die` down when everyone seemed to not believe it with the way you were acting around each other.

You would say you started to feel bad for avoiding him but you just don’t know how to approach him. It’s so easy for you to tell yourself to act normal but you always chicken out whenever you try to come near him and apologize because there has been one thing you’ve realized.

You’re crushing really hard on Jimin.

“Which cram school are you going to this summer?” Taehyung asked you, snapping you out of your thoughts.

Oh right, summer’s coming and that means you have to get yourself into a cram school by the end of the school year to prepare for college entrance examinations and it looks like you were too preoccupied with other things to forget about this.

You pick on the loose thread at the end of your skirt, twisting it around your fingers before you pull on it to remove it, “I don’t know, I still haven’t looked around, what about you?” 

“Same here but i think i’ll go with whatever Jimin picks.” 

With the mention of Jimin’s name, you looked back on Taehyung who knocked on the door twice before he sat down on the floor to face you. Taehyung has never mentioned to you about the gossip before, thinking that maybe he’s just clueless to what’s happening or he’s just minding his own business.

“Speaking of”, maybe he’s not clueless after all,  ''What university are you planning to go to?”

You chuckled, thinking he would bring up Jimin, “Seoul National University, I hope.”

“Oh wow, it’s hard to get in there” Taehyung exclaimed and you thought that maybe you sounded way too ambitious.

“I was just hoping for it but you’ll never know. What about you?”

“I was hoping for Seoul National University too but i don’t think i’ll get in there so i’m fine with wherever i’m accepted” Taehyung said it like it isn’t much of a big deal to him though it’s clear that he’s serious in talking about it and surprisingly, you’ve never seen Taehyung act so seriously until now.

“You’re smart, Taehyung”, you assured him.

“You think? I mean, I have good grades this year and it’s all thanks to you.” 

“You’re just not serious about it now but i can tell you’re smart. I mean, you helped me on an English quiz before so you’ll never know, right?”

“I guess, thanks” Taehyung gave you a warm smile.

You continue to talk with Taehyung for the rest of your lunchtime and you eventually talked about the Project Paper Drive that’s coming off to an end today. Time surely does fly by quickly when you felt like it was only yesterday when you joined the plan and all you have to do now is wait for Monday to come to hear the results.

It’ll be a truly joyous moment if your class happens to win and have a year end pool party like what everyone is dreaming of but it’ll be disappointing if you happen to lose after all the efforts you’ve done for it.

As Monday rolled in, you’ve never been this excited or nervous to hear what Namjoon has to say about the results but as usual, you’re impatiently waiting once again for the school principal to finish her ‘short speech’.

The weather is beginning to feel hot which is very much the opposite back to Namjoon’s last announcement during the third quarter. Speaking of the devil, Namjoon has finally made his way towards the platform with the final result on his hand.

“Good Morning! I guess you all know that i am here to announce the winner for Project Paper Drive but before i could do so, i would like to thank everyone for participating and getting involved in helping the environment. All in all, we have accumulated a total of 328 kilos worth of recyclables.”

“Do you think we’ll win?” Sora asked you.

You nodded your head as you crossed your fingers, eyes closing as you whispered repeatedly the name of your section - your class is going to win and everyone will be having a pool party. You’re claiming it already because that’s how the law of attraction works.

“And the winner for Project Paper Drive is…” Namjoon unfolded the paper as he read out the result.

“Class 3-2!” 

“Class 4-1!”

You whispered at the same time as Namjoon announced the winner but the roaring screams didn’t come from your line. Looking to your right, you see Class 4-1 jumping with joy as everyone hugged and cheered for each other whilst you looked back to your class to see everyone looking defeated, specially when you looked over at Taehyung, Minjae, and Jimin.

I guess, karma finally managed to catched up to you this time.

Once you all got back to the classroom, half of the class are quiet whilst the other half are conspiring against Class 4-1 for cheating the results when ironically, it was your class who had done it yet you didn’t even manage to win.

“Hey, you okay?” you looked back at Taehyung on your seat.

“No because why do we only get a chocolate bar for each person as the second prize?” you complained as you break a piece of chocolate to pop it in your mouth.

“A pizza party would’ve been nice huh?” Taehyung broke a piece from yours but he already ate it when you swatted his hand away.

“Hey! Eat your own” Taehyung chuckled, turning a deaf ear as he broke another piece from yours to feast on.

“How about we get to have our own pizza party for the class then we could also have our own but it’s just me, you, Jimin and Minjae - can’t let out efforts go in vain”

“Go tell it to Jimin then” you said but it kind of sounded spiteful the moment the words came out of your mouth though you don’t intentionally mean it that way.

“You tell him”, Taehyung gave you a knowing look as he raised his eyebrows in a teasing manner, breaking another piece from your chocolate again despite the cold glare you’re sending him.

“I guess, you don’t need my Chemistry homework then” you grabbed your paper off of Taehyung’s table but he stole it from you just in time.

“Alright, fine i’m sorry” Taehyung laughed, licking his fingers that are covered with chocolate before he grabbed his pen to do his homework.

It dawned on Taehyung that you and Jimin are not on speaking terms because of how you always divert the topic to another one whenever Jimin’s mentioned and that goes the same with Jimin as well. 

There’s just something about it that makes the whole situation between you both amusing for him because he might be clueless at times but it’s not that hard for him to figure out that there’s clearly something going on between you two yet you’re just too stupid or maybe too stubborn to recognize and talk about it.

--

Final examinations are next week and you have trouble in keeping up with the new lessons in Calculus but no matter how many Youtube videos you’ve watched at home to help yourself, you just don’t seem to get it. It doesn’t look easy at all compared with the way Jimin's teaching it to you and that’s enough to frustrate you.

You let out a sigh as you lay your head down on top of your Calculus textbook, giving up from trying to understand it as you instead blow out puffs of air towards the pencil you place in between the pages, watching as it rolled back and forth towards your face and the middle of the book.

Looking over the expanse of the library, you noticed how you’re the only one remaining in the study area just because it’s already closing time and the reason you’re still here is because you still have to study more and help Ms. Lee in closing down the library.

You were then brought out of your state of staring into nothingness when the pencil hit your nose along with the sound of the doors opening, making you turn your head to the other side to see who’s this student that managed to get in here beyond closing hours.

You immediately scrambled into your seat as you sat up straight, bewildered at the sight of the unexpected guest as he went towards the circulation desk to talk to Ms. Lee and you hope that he’s just here to have some nice little chit chat.

What is Jimin even doing here anyway?

You thought it was clear that he has given up trying to reach you after his many attempts but he’s here, standing a few meters away from you. If anyone’s watching you right now, you looked honestly ridiculous for panicking as you try to search for exit points within the library just in case Jimin will come over in this area. 

But then, maybe you’re just too quick to think things that he’s here for you and you just need to come off your high horse and stop thinking that the world revolves around you. You just wish that you could get rid of these feelings so you could stop being awkward around him but it seems like that will not happen any sooner.

Panic sure fully settled in when you saw Ms. Lee’s hand pointed towards your direction, causing you to instinctively remove yourself off the seat as you walked towards the nearest bookshelf to hide yourself.

It’s a disadvantage that you can’t see past the bookshelf to see what Jimin is going to do which just makes you more anxious and maybe it’s better to stay here until it’s time for the library to close. You’re just going to organize the books for the meanwhile to set off your panic state.

“Hey”

Why? 

You whispered to yourself with your eyes closed as you recognized the voice to be Jimin’s. Sucking in a deep breath, you reminded yourself to just be normal and stop acting so scared all the time when there’s nothing to even worry about - a lie but you’ll just pretend it’s not until your brain believes it to be true.

“Jimin”, you smiled as best as you could muster, “What are you doing here?”

“Can you help me study History? I mean, we have a quiz for it tomorrow and finals are approaching but it’s fine-”

“Okay” you cut him off from rambling as you walked past him and sat down where you were sitting just a while ago, thinking you should start right away so it could also end right away.

Jimin followed you as he then sat down next to you, handing you the reviewer you sent to him weeks ago. You scan through it to find that he highlighted the important details and color coded it just like what you suggested to him before and you don't know why that made you feel a bit giddy inside. 

In your peripheral vision, you can see that Jimin has his body facing towards you as if having him near you isn’t nerve wracking at all. You tried your best to compose yourself, focusing solely on the reviewer as you then read out the first sentence to quiz him.

“It was the last dynasty of Korea and the longest ruling Confucian dynasty.”

“Joseon Dynasty.”

“He was the fourth king of the Joseon Dynasty and the one who created Hangul”

“King Sejong.”

“What was the capital of Korea before the Joseon Dynasty started?”

The question isn’t actually hard at all considering you’ve been studying this topic since elementary school but it looks like Jimin’s mulling it over when you glanced at him once you noticed he’s been taking a while to answer.

“Sorry” Jimin muttered.

Clearing your throat, you then read the question more loudly just in case he didn’t heard it properly, “What was the capital of-”

“YN, I’m sorry”, Jimin said a bit more clearly, “I know that you don’t want me to be here since you’re probably mad at me but i just wanted to say that i’m sorry if the kiss made you uncomfortable and it wasn’t my intention to make you feel that way but i guess that’s too late for now and i understand if you truly hate me.”

“I don’t hate you”

“You don’t?”

“I’m sorry too for avoiding you but I was not doing it because I hate you” you momentarily looked at Jimin before you went back to look at the reviewer to fold it’s edges.

Are you really going to say the real reason?

You believe that Jimin’s just being nice as he is and you’re mistaking it for something else. Also, the kiss surely is nothing but only a cover up anyway so you figured that it’s best to let him know the real reason so that you could end your suffering quickly and move on from how you don’t stand a chance from him to begin with.

“I just feel awkward and I think that’s because” you lower down your head a bit so that you could perfectly hide your face behind your hair, “ I um...I like you.”

You whispered the last part, hoping he missed what you said though you know he had perfectly heard it - you’re in the most quiet place after all.

Jimin is probably used to hearing countless confessions made for him so this must be not a big of a deal for him but it sure is to you. You waited for a moment for him to say anything back and when you’re sure that he’s not going to open his mouth at all, you stood up as you quickly gathered your things.

“I guess, i have to go”

“Wait” Jimin grabbed your wrist, “Don’t run from me again.”

Jimin gently tugged you down, sitting you back in your place beside him. You were quiet as you idly stare straight ahead, not really knowing what you’re supposed to do now when you just want to get out of here, regretting the fact that you just confessed but Jimin’s hand is keeping you in place so it’s not like there’s no other way.

Suddenly, you got surprised as soon as you felt Jimin’s fingertips ghosting over your palm ever so slowly until he eventually slipped them in between the spaces of your fingers, completely intertwining your hands.

Could this mean that Jimin likes you too?

You looked up at Jimin to see him already staring at you with a sweet smile as he grazed his thumb up and down against your own. Flustered, you turned your head to the other side, biting down on your lip to contain your smile from getting bigger as you try to keep in mind to get a better hold on yourself.

As if the butterflies on your stomach couldn’t get any more wilder, Jimin then squeezed your hand three times and you guess that’s enough for your feelings to be reassured.

--

A/N: Hi! It’s been a while since i last posted and finally, i was able to finish this after procrastinating it multiple times and here you go hehe, hope you all like this! Anyway, how is the Dynamite comeback treating you all? Taehyung definitely had me dead with his ethereal beauty :(

[deltaengineering]

that was the winter anime 2021 that was

Still not quite ready for a dozen posts about how terrible the likes of Combatants Will Be Dispatched are, sorry. Watch Vivy though, it owns. Here’s some more things that are (mostly) good. As always, worst to best.

Yatogame-chan Kansatsu Nikki S3

Yatogame has long run out of hot Nagoya facts and its ensemble comedy never amounted to much, so now it seems mostly content to just spam more and more wacky character designs. About the only thing that it has left going for it is that 3 minutes a week are more effort to drop than to watch, so I expect them to make a movie next. 4/10

Go-toubun no Hanayome S2

Quints is a weird one. S1 was a barely good enough (i.e., well above average) implementation of the ages old harem chestnut. S2 is actually better at the core of its appeal, since it gives all the characters a sharper profile (things like taking Nino from joke to badass and making Ichika a villain are no mean feat), but it does pay a steep price for it. You see, to deliver a steady drip feed of meaningful character moments it apparently has to rush through the source material at a breakneck pace, which completely wrecks the "story" part of this story and makes every episode seem like a recap. And it still keeps wasting precious time on vestigial nonsense like its framing device and the Kyoto flashback scenario that was already the worst part of S1. But by far the most annoying aspect is its insistence on keeping all the options valid, since it prevents any real progress and makes everything seem arbitrary and pointless. So sure enough, after a season of much ado we still don't end up anywhere — you can't really raise the stakes if all at stake was "who wins" to begin with. It's watchable and even enjoyable scene-for-scene but it's getting harder and harder to call it a solid show overall. 5/10

Skate Leading Stars

I was watching this primarily because I didn't like Yuri on Ice much and wanted to see if something that is a blatant attempt to cash in on it would be better — because while YoI delivers on one aspect (being hella gay), it really is an absolute shambles of a sports show. And sure enough, Skate Leading has none of the auteur appeal of YoI, but it just works much better. In particular I appreciate how it managed to make me care even a little about a cast of assholes, which is a nice contrast to the nauseatingly ingratiating way YoI tries to make you love its characters. Also, Skate Leading is just generally cheap and unambitious, so not susceptible to trying hard and painfully flaming out on the presentation side like YoI is. But at some point you gotta let go of these comparisons and on its own Skate Leading is... just fine, I guess? Competent, mildly engaging, not very memorable. And that's probably where it loses to Yuri on Ice in the end after all, even if I think it's "better". 6/10

Idoly Pride

Idoly Pride sold itself on me with a really good (and hilarious/tragic) first episode that was just too bizarre to ignore — I mean, how can you ignore GHOST IDOL MANAGERS. Well, the majority of the show isn't like that. It's a competent and solid version of the idol franchise show, yes, but it really had more potential than that. Especially midseason, it gets lost in these dozens of characters, and while they're all likeable, it does seem like a waste of a good story just centered on Mana/Kotona/Sakura. By the end it comes back around to the heart of the matter with a Maeda-style sob story, which could be a disaster but seasoned veteran Jukki Hanada makes it work anyway. Overall, there's quite a bit of ridiculous hacky melodrama in this, but quite honestly that's the best part and I wish it would concentrate more on it. The rest is just okay. 6/10

Yuru Camp S2

Yuru Camp is still likely the best pure iyashikei show when it gets down to business. Compared to S1 though, this seems to happen less and less. At its peaks (i.e., basically any quiet moment with Rin) it's at least as good as ever, and there's some good cast additions like Mini-Inuko, but it appears that Yuru Camp simply has run out of things you can do with camping and it fills up the time with other... stuff. This stuff includes the generic school club shenanigans it was never particularly good at, and a gigantic helping of crass consumerism. Yeah, I would say the majority of Yuru Camp is just a straight up infomercial at this point, which itself ranges from the perfectly acceptable (which cute anime isn't about food constantly), to the sketchy (I don't know whether the Izu tourism board cut this production a fat check, but if they didn't, Yuru Camp still gives its best effort to make it seem that way) to the highly irritating – I am aware that camping requires gear and you can't just ignore that, but you most definitely do not require whole arcs dedicated to talking about raising funds for the purposes of acquiring the Lamp of Comfy Happiness at your friendly local Caribou™ either. Not to mention an arc where the aforementioned lame school club does the same, for double irritation. Make no mistake, this show is so riddled with scenes that beg for a solution to embed affiliate links in video files that it makes me wish I was watching something as anticapitalist and underground as Love Live. And irritating really is the last thing a show with this core concept, as stellar as it is at that, can afford to be. Bummer. 6/10

SKOO the Infinity

Skoo has one really huge asset: ADAM, its magnificent villain. It also has one really huge liability: Reki, its not magnificent protagonist. To be more specific, it's very good at anything outrageous, physics-defying and silly, such as most scenes ADAM is in, and quite bad at anything serious, dramatic (in a serious way) and down to earth, such as most scenes Reki is in. So, what's the verdict? Well, the rest of the cast is more ADAM-like, and Reki's co-protagonist Langa is fine as the straight (yeah, right) man. The tedious buddy drama is a comparatively small part of this show, and at least it pays off quite well in the end. Seriously, I was ready to give this a 6, but the final episode is probably the best one of the show, in all of its aspects. That's really not something you see often. Skoo's a great time. Except when it's not. 7/10

Non Non Biyori Nonstop

Speaking of the rare good ending, what about we gave one of those to a slim and inconsequential slice-of-life show? NNB has always been solid, comfy and amusing quality with a couple of standout moments (usually something with Renge), and Nonstop has that plus an ending as conclusive as any show of this type is ever going to have. Besides, it does a lot of things right by focusing on more characters than the central 4 (especially Konomi has great material in S3), it expands the universe just enough to not get stale, and it moves things forward — It's definitely a lot better than the movie, is what I'm saying. Apart from that, well, we're three seasons in, if you have any interest in this you probably don't need me to explain what's good about NNB at this point. Bonus points for being nothing but an ad for the manga. 7/10

Wonder Egg Priority

Oh boy, so here's the big one. Wonder Egg is the rare Meaningful Arthouse Show About Real Issues You Guys, as you might have heard. And well, the long and short of it is that it's a very good show with quite a few glaring problems (besides not actually being finished due to production issues, but what we have is enough of an ending to be able to meaningfully talk about it). In particular, one problem: WEP is, at its core, one of these metaphorical Magical Girl-ish series that are just a thin layer of abstraction over coming-of-age or societal problems. The issue is that "metaphorical" in this case means "literal" and "thin" means "basically nonexistent". This show is not subtle regarding what it's about, at all. This is a double-edged sword — on the positive side, some things really should just be said aloud, and I'm really, really fucking tired of the Ikuhara style of "here's some wacky things, maybe a blog post will eventually tell you how it's actually about the most important thing ever" obfuscation — if it's really so important, just spell it out. On the other hand, there are limits to this and when a second, different Ai appears I don't really need a voiceover line telling me that yep, this show is about parallel universes now. WEP spells out many important things, but it also spells out many things that are implicitly clear or better left vague. Not to mention that with being so obvious up front, the show's tendency to leave figuring out what it's actually saying about it up to the viewer can leave the wrong impression. Again, I settled on the opinion that it's subtle after all where it counts the most, but you might easily get the impression that it pulls its punches (Ikuhara does this the exact other way around — once you figure out what the fuck he's talking about it's abundantly clear what he's saying about it).

In fact, this show is so good at subtle, quiet character moments that it calls into question the need for big huge fighting fantasy layer in the first place, especially since I'm not a fan of the fantasy designs and the fights aren't great. Sure, they look impressive on a technical level (this show is very good looking in general), but the lack of actual impact or rhythm makes me think this is not made by people who are very familiar with action and maybe they should have asked some seasoned shounen veterans for this — or just, you know, not do it. They can (and do) impress with character acting in quiet scenes just the same. And while Ai's character story actually does pay off quite nicely by the end we got, and Momoe and Rika are also handled well, Neiru's backstory is significantly less good, not to mention the whole Frill subplot regarding the show's mythology that they introduced just before (and that's the part to be resolved at a later date), which is a huge can of worms. We'll see how well they handle that, I suppose, but as it is it's a weird and vestigial detour that doesn't add much besides thematic headaches.

But yeah, apart from all that — I like it, a lot. Great character writing in the details, cool looks for the most part, tons of ambition, and a message that I consider to be appropriately handled — for the most part, and for now. Not quite ambitious arthouse anime at its finest, but also not a pretentious disaster like Sarazanmai, Monogatari et al. 8/10

[927roses-and-stuff]

Miracles in Gotham: Chapter 4: Unwelcome Discoveries (Part 2)

Hey, guys! This fic is inspired by @ozmav’s Maribat AU. Shoutout to @mystery-5-5 for brainstorming ideas with me for this fic. 

Woah, updating twice within the same week? It’s like I finally learned how to manage my time!... Not. Honestly this is my stress relief right now because I have two papers due tomorrow and those subjects are not as much fun to write about. On another note, I just finished my midterm and passed! So, yay! Anyways, hope you guys enjoy and have a little bit of luck come your way too. 

Btw, after you’re reading this can you guys please tell me if I’m writing too much angst after reading through this chapter??? I am writing what I think would logically happen in this type of scenario, but I also tend to be really pessimistic. 

If you want to see more, follow: #miraclesingotham or ask to be added to the tag list.

Tag list: @northernbluetongue @zerotosiki @spicybelladonna @my-name-is-michell @legendaryneckjudgestudent @lokiifriggasonn

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By the time Marinette entered the classroom, her mood had lifted considerably from moments before. She sat at her usual seat and prepared her things as the rest of the class filed in. Her mood was slightly disrupted by a disgruntled Lila who roughly swept past her, but otherwise it seemed like today was finally going to be a normal day; well as normal as one could get in Paris, anyway. As the last remaining students settled in, Mme. Bustier walked into the room with a huge stack of papers. She settled them on her desk before addressing everyone. 

“Good morning, everyone!” 

“Good morning, Mme. Bustier,” the class parroted back in varying degrees of enthusiasm. Mme. Bustier smiled in satisfaction. 

“Now before we begin our usual morning exercise, I would like to call up Marinette and Alya to help me distribute these packages for you. I will give you a few minutes to look through it before discussing it further,” she said, as she split the pile of papers in half and handed one half to each girl. Marinette’s eyes bulged. The stack of papers consisted of multiple stacks of paper about twenty pages long each. She and Alya shared a glance before obeying Mme. Bustier’s orders. She started at Chloe and Sabrina’s desk and ended with Rose and Juleka at the back. Then, she returned to her seat, analyzing the stack of papers in front of her.

“Wayne Enterprises Sponsored International Connections Program in Gotham City, USA Information Package and Permission Forms”

After that was a bunch of paragraphs that Marinette skimmed over. The first few pages detailed what the program was for, their accommodations, costs for travel along with what necessary documents were needed, and all sorts of other details that made Marinette dizzy. The next few pages after that outlined the risks specific to Gotham and resources that students and their guardians were strongly recommended to review before even stepping onto Gotham grounds. The pages after that were permission forms asking for the legal guardian’s consent, her personal info, insurance, etc. 

Needless to say, the whole class was baffled. In fact, some of them were downright lost, considering they didn’t even know a Gotham City existed in the US. Or what Wayne Enterprises was supposed to be and why they were offered to join this program. Only Max and Alya seemed excited at the prospect of the field trip, judging on the excited murmurs that Marinette could hear. She picked up on the word “vigilantes” from Alya and “greatest detective” from somewhere behind her  and suddenly it all made sense. She wasn’t sure if she heard correctly, but she was pretty sure she heard Lila talking in self-assured whispers to the confused people around her. She held in a scoff, before returning her attention to the papers in front of her.

Marinette frowned, closing the package and pushing it away from her. She waited for Mme. Bustier to explain the details more clearly. Unfortunately, Marinette already knew there was no way she could go, at least, not without risking Paris’ safety. 

“If you have finished, please bring your attention to me. I will explain everything. Please leave all your questions till the end,” Mme. Bustier said, clapping her hands to get everyone’s attention. “As you may have noticed, this opportunity has been given to us by M. Bruce Wayne of Wayne Enterprises. He has chosen our school as a trial school for a program that he wants to implement next year to help expand student achievement nationally and internationally. As well as to encourage young students like yourselves to make connections with students from other countries. In fact, I believe it was Mayor Bourgeois who sent M. Wayne a glowing recommendation of our class from fundraising events to everyone’s extracurriculars and achievements! I am so proud of all of you.” 

At the front, Chloé straightened in her seat and smiled smugly. Beside her, Sabrina was looking from Chloé to the stack of papers in front of her in disbelief. The class was in a similar state of shock, and soon whispers erupted excitedly from most people in the class before Mme. Bustier silenced them all. 

Oh, that made sense, Marinette thought. Despite the sense of pride she felt for herself and the class (their hard work deserved some reward after all, especially with all the akumas recently), she knew Mayor Bourgeois was not the type of person to recommend just anyone from the goodness of his heart. He had recommended this class to M. Wayne for Chloé’s own success. Which was a bit of a shame, Marinette thought, since Chloé had more than enough resources to find opportunities for herself. However, she couldn’t help but feel grateful to whatever deity convinced Mayor Bourgeois to include the class, anyway.

“Anyways,” Mme. Bustier said when the class had calmed down. “I expect everyone here to listen to what I have to say and take it to heart.” Mme. Bustier’s voice settled lowered, her tone becoming dangerously low. “This program is a huge opportunity however, Gotham City is full of many risks and I am making it absolutely mandatory for everyone in this room, as well as their legal guardians to use the sources outlined under “Risks to be Aware of While in Gotham City” Section. While M. Wayne has assured the supervisors for the trip as well as M. Damocles that our accommodations will be in Gotham’s financial district, there is still going to be danger; more than what we’re accustomed to in Paris.” 

At the end of her spiel, the atmosphere in the room weighed heavy on Marinette. She had never seen Mme. Bustier so strict before, her teal eyes piercing through everybody in the room. 

“Um, Mme. Bustier?” Lila spoke and stood up. The class swivelled their attention to her. “I’ve actually been to Gotham City and have met M. Wayne before for a humanitarian project. I’m sure M. Wayne will make sure to do everything to keep us safe.” 

“That may be, Lila, but I assure you, these instructions were given to me by M. Wayne himself via email. He will do his best to make sure our trip is as safe as possible, but that means we need to do our part in keeping ourselves safe.” 

Blinking owlishly, Lila faltered. “Yes, of course, Mme. Bustier.” She forced a smile. “I was just saying so because it would be an absolute shame for anyone to miss out on such a great opportunity!” 

Marinette rolled her eyes. Sure, she thought. That, or she just wanted everyone to know that she knew Bruce Wayne- whoever he was- and be impressed.  At least she didn’t claim that she saved Bruce Wayne’s horse or something similar. Or claim to be friends with the vigilantes Alya had been fangirling about earlier.

The rest of the morning was spent going through the rest of the package from how to ensure that everyone had their visa, to what they should bring and how they should behave while they were there. Marinette frowned; there was something off about this trip. She wasn’t sure whether it was the duration of the trip ( which had a minimum of one month, with extra time being granted in case of any future interruptions), or why an American company would choose this specific French class for the trial program instead of a class in say, London, or any other country that spoke English. It seemed that Max was thinking along the same lines as her, because the moment Mme. Bustier finished, his hand shot up in the air. 

“Yes, Max?” 

“I have a few questions concerning this program. Why is there a minimum allotted time for our stay? Would our parents need to agree to any extension of staying? And how are we supposed to communicate or even understand anything when most of us don’t speak English?” 

Mme. Bustier smiled. “Those are all excellent questions. As I have said before, Gotham City is dangerous so there might be trips that are part of the program that will need to be rescheduled or we may need to take a later flight in case anything happens at the airport. Therefore, we need to be aware that our trip may last longer than the required month. Next, while we are there, you will be put in remedial English classes along with any classes you choose to take at Gotham Academy for the duration of our stay. This way, you will have the opportunity to brush up your English skills.” 

Alya was quick to stand up and shoot her hand in the air. “Will we be going on any field trips outside of Gotham City? Like Metropolis?” 

Mme. Bustier stared at her. “Maybe, but as for now, all details of the trip are included in the itinerary in your packages.” 

Alya deflated, slumping in her seat. Marinette turned toward her and whispered, “What’s so special about Metropolis?”

She perked up and whispered excitedly. “It’s the home of Superman, Booster Gold and Blue Beetle!” Marinette had absolutely no clue -nor any real desire to know- who those were. It didn’t seem to matter as Alya rambled on. “And, and, and, it’s also the home to Pulwitzer prize-winning journalist Lois freaking Lane  from the Daily Planet. I love her. I think I told Nino once that I would leave him for her (Nino gave an affirmative “uh huh”) if the opportunity ever arose and he said he wouldn’t mind as long as he could be with Superman. But that’s alright because Lois Lane is a badass and I love her; she is a genius-” 

“Ahem.” Mme. Bustier coughed. Alya stopped mid-speech and laughed sheepishly. Her voice must have been louder than she realized.

“Sorry Mme. Bustier.” 

“No problem, Alya. Just keep your excitement until the end of class.” She smiled softly. “And, I will see if I can mention your love for Lois Lane to M. Wayne.”

The way Alya froze in her seat, her jaw unhinged and wide eyes, Marinette wasn’t sure if she was in normal shock or if Mme. Bustier had actually managed to kill her with words. She chuckled before nudging her side to bring her back to reality. Shaken out of her stupor, Alya thanked Mme. Bustier and sat in her seat. Her smile was record-breakingly wide and she seemed to vibrate in place. 

Letting out a giggle, Marinette was ecstatic for her best friend. Sure, she may not know the superheroes she mentioned, and still wasn’t too sure of who Lois Lane was, but Alya looked like she won a million euros and meeting her idol would be a great opportunity. As Alya continued to freak out however, she shared glances between Adrien and Nino in front of her and had to stifle their laughter. 

Maybe if Alya did meet Lois Lane and Superman, and Gotham vigilantes, she could share her excitement with Marinette when the class returned to Paris. 

The rest of the day had been pretty normal, with the addition of excitement in the air as her class discussed the trip to Gotham. Students from other classes seemed to be split between being jealous of the class for the opportunity, or relieved at the foreseeable absence of what they dubbed as “the akuma class.” Students from her own class huddled together in their small groups, already planning on what they wanted to do, what they thought Gotham would be like, and how they were excited to meet any cute Americans. Marinette couldn’t help but let their excitement affect her as well. Not only was going abroad always a cause for excitement but surely it was a relief to be able to leave Paris in the foreseeable future. It was exhausting being targeted by stupid demonic butterflies and sucking up your feelings like they didn’t exist (Unless you were Lila, then you cried and let everyone worry about your emotional state and any akumas that could come from it, that is). However, Marinette had a feeling that this trip to Gotham would stir a lot of drama within their class, when everyone had the chance to reveal any negative emotions without the consequence of an akuma around. 

Well, that was that, she supposed as she went home for the lunch break, the permission forms tucked under her arm. She had been half tempted to chuck them in a bin somewhere, but knew her parents would be pissed if she didn’t tell them. Thus, she entered the bakery and once there was a lull in the orders, asked both of her parents if they could talk. 

She led them upstairs in the living room and placed the bundle of papers on the dining room table. Marinette briefly explained the program and let them read through the package carefully. By the time they finished, Marinette only had an hour left of her two hour lunch break. 

“So?” She prompted, trying to gauge their reactions. 

Her maman and dad exchanged a glance and nodded, before turning back to her. 

“You’re definitely going.” Her maman said, putting the package back on the table. 

Marinette’s jaw dropped. “Wait, Maman, don’t you need some more time to think about this?” She couldn’t believe it. She should’ve chucked the package in a bin. 

Her dad frowned. “Marinette, we don’t like it either, and it’s not...ideal, but we believe it’s for the best if you stay away from Paris for now.” 

Marinette’s eyes widened, glancing back and forth between her maman and dad. “What do you mean?” 

Her maman sighed. “Ever since we almost got akumatized on the day you were expelled, me and your father have been talking, and well, Paris isn’t safe for you anymore. It hasn’t been for a long time.”

Her dad nodded in agreement. Marinette felt befuddled. She felt like she definitely lost a few brain cells. 

“Gotham City isn’t safe either, Maman, Papa. Didn’t you see the risks listed?” Marinette asked, grabbing the package and desperately scouring through the package. This was so not happening; she couldn’t afford to leave Paris. 

She heard a sigh coming from her maman, before her hands settled on Marinette’s own. Marinette glanced up to stare at her maman’s cloudy grey gaze. “It’s definitely not ideal, and we wish you were somewhere safer, but I trust that M. Wayne and the school administration would never have allowed this to happen if it was too risky.” 

“But-” 

“And, “ her dad interjected before Marinette could continue. “If this hadn’t come up, we would’ve sent you away with your grandmère and you would’ve had to pause your schooling and travel around Europe with her until it was safe to come back home.” 

“Or,” her maman added, giving Tom a small glare. “We would’ve sent you to Shanghai with your uncle Wang. At least this way, you can continue with your schooling and still be with your friends under the maximum amount of protection.” 

Her breathing turned heavy at her words. Her heart was beating faster, was it just her imagination or did it feel like the room was stuffier than before. She didn’t understand. Why now? They had been planning to send her away. She pressed a hand against her chest to try to control her breathing. In through the nose, out through the mouth. It had been a calming trick Master Fu had shown her when she had been at the edge of getting an anxiety attack. 

Not for the first time, Marinette wished she could just tell her parents she was Ladybug. Then again, maybe that would’ve motivated them further to get her out of Paris. 

No, her maman and papa loved her. They just wanted her to be safe. They weren’t aware she’d been taking care of Paris all this time. 

She felt her maman’s warm presence beside her as her papa engulfed them both. She barely registered the apologies her maman whispered as she stroked her hair. She was too busy pushing down all her anxieties. 

She couldn’t risk getting akumatized. 

Her lunch break had been long over by the time she had calmed down. By then, both her maman and papa had returned to the bakery with promises that they would talk about this tomorrow and that they would call the school to report her absence for the afternoon. 

Marinette barely registered them as she trudged up to her bedroom. Then her bathroom. Shower. Dry hair. Change of clothes. Bed. 

She didn’t know what to feel. She didn’t notice the kwamis flying towards her and snuggling with her, in her hair and the crook of her neck. 

“What do I do?” She asked listlessly. 

Tikki floated to her field of vision. “Marinette. It’ll be okay.” 

“How?” 

Tikki didn’t give an answer. She sighed and sat up. She was going to write in her diary until she read her last entry. Right. Marianne. She sighed. She’d call her and then go on an early patrol of the city. 

She didn’t want the helplessness that came with being Marinette.

Taking a long, deep breath, she grabbed her tablet and called Marianne through video chat. Surprisingly, despite her age, Marianne adapted to technology pretty well. She and Master Fu were living somewhere in London, enjoying their retirement together. Marinette liked to keep up with them regularly, since she missed Master Fu, and their present now gave her hope for her own future. 

She waited for the screen to load, and smiled widely when Marianne’s face entered the screen. She looked like she had just gotten home; the makeup she was wearing was starting to fade, and her hair was tied in a slightly wet updo bun.

“Marinette! Bonjour! How have you been, darling?” Marinette noticed that she had adopted a slight British accent when she talked. It hadn’t been that long since they last talked, so maybe her and Master Fu had been going out more. 

“Bonjour Marianne.” She softly waved her hand. “Everything’s fine actually. How are you and Master Fu?”

Marianne smiled, re-focusing her own screen so Marinette could see her more clearly. “Everything’s been great. Wang has taken to liking massage parlors again. We just visited one yesterday.” 

Marinette smiled fondly. She could feel Wayzz’s presence on her shoulder as he listened intently. If anyone had been more devastated than Marinette about Master Fu’s amnesia and departure, it would have been Wayzz. It had taken a long time for him to open up to Marinette and the other kwamis, often leaving the Oolong tea she brewed for him to run cold. Fortunately, he was getting better and opening up more. Their love for Master Fu had been what helped he and Marinette bond together as a new Guardian and kwami. 

“I’m glad. It seems like you two are really happy.” 

Marianne squinted her eyes; she could feel her gaze through the screen. “Why did you call, Marinette?”

“I, ah, had a question about the Miraculous actually. I was wondering if your time with Master Fu before had given you any insight to them.” 

Marianne frowned slightly, rubbing her chin. “I’ve picked up on a few things, but Wang was really secretive. I’ll give it my best shot for you, dear.” 

“Thank you! I was wondering if you had any clue as to why the Miracle Box turned into an egg when Master Fu renounced his Guardianship to me?” 

Marianne sighed. “I wish I could tell you, but I’m as lost as you are.” 

She deflated. Her hands gripped the tablet tighter. She knew there was only a miniscule chance that Marianne would’ve known anything, but a tiny part of her had hoped that luck would be on her side. Exhaling, Marinette thanked her. 

On the other side of the screen, Marianne’s frown deepened. As happy as she was with Wang Fu, it was cruel for destiny to hand such a young child the enormous and numerous responsibilities that the Guardian had to bear. She glanced at Wang, who was sleeping on the couch contentedly. She was happy they could now spend the rest of their lives together in peace when most of it had been previously spent in war. 

Speaking of war… 

“Marinette, darling! I think I might know of someone who can help you!” 

Marinette perked up. She had been about to change the subject or close the call, but maybe she had a bit of luck on her side after all. 

“Who?” 

“During the war, when Wang and I escaped to Paris, we were aided by someone who would become one of our closest friends. When he was recruited to battle in the war, he was very young, so Wang had lent him the Snake Miraculous for its powers of Intuition, at least until the war was over.” 

Marinette felt Wayzz stiffen on her shoulder. 

“She doesn’t mean…”

“Unfortunately,” Marianne continued. “When he returned home, he had an argument with Wang and almost didn’t return the Miraculous. It was only a month later that he left it on our doorstep. We haven’t heard from him since, but maybe he might know something. He was always a genius and intuitive beyond his years.” 

Marinette frowned. “Do you know where he might be now?” 

“His name is Alfred Pennyworth. He mentioned once that his family had a tradition of serving a family called the Waynes.” 

Marinette’s frown deepened. There was the name Wayne again. Which meant Gotham. It felt like the universe really wanted her to go there. She sighed. At least she’d have an objective while she was there- if she did go in the first place. She smiled again, once she saw Marianne’s worried stare. 

“Thank you so much, Marianne. I need to go now and plan what to do. I hope you and Master Fu stay well.” 

Marianne smiled. “You too, Marinette. Don’t hesitate to call me for anything, dear.” 

She merely nodded, and they both logged off. She set aside her tablet and turned to face Sass, who was already in front of her. 

“Tell me everything you know about this Alfred Pennyworth and your time with him, Sass. I need to know if he can help before considering everything.” 

The snake kwami merely nodded. “Of course, my Guardian.”

[ellana-ravenwood]

“What it means to be a big brother” - by Damian Wayne (Batfam x Fem!Reader)

I wanted to write a story with Damian as an older brother, and how he came to learn what it meant to…well, basically the title haha. And since quite a few of you lately asked for more Thomas, here we are. I hope you will like it :

My master list : @ella-ravenwood-archives . Links to stories where Thomas appears (for those who do not know who he is) in the author’s notes at the end of the story.

__________________________________________________

Right there, with his new little brother in his arms, standing in front of his family...Damian didn't dare to move an inch.

There wasn't a muscle in his body that wasn't tense.

In this exact position, things were going well, so he wasn't about to move. Staying like this forever sounded more and more like a good plan.

Because if he did move…There was a chance he’d drop him.

"You don't have to be so stiff you know ?"

Tim said, amused.

He was the one that was holding the baby just a few minutes ago, and was clearly not as stressed as Damian about it. He was also the one that laid little Thomas in his brother’s arms, and therefor was the cause of the “full body lockdown” Damian was going through.

Slowly, Damian turned his head towards Tim (he couldn't move too fast, because there was a risk he'd drop the baby !) and said through gritted teeth :

"Yes I do. If I don't, I might drop him !"

The word “drop” was resonating in Damian’s head, and it was the only thing he could think about.

Drop. Drop. Drop drop drop drop.

It was starting to lose it’s meaning, and only the fact that it would be terrible if he “dropped” something stayed in the boy’s head.

But then the baby moved, and Damian looked down instinctively.

His eyes fell upon his new little brother’s face and...He felt his heart drop.

What was this feeling ? Why, all of a sudden, did he feel overwhelmed and full of...something ? An emotion he couldn’t quite pinpoint.

It kinda made him want to cry.

His eyes glued to the little body in his arms, trying to understand this intense surge of emotions, he finally raised his head after a few seconds and said, a hint of disbelief in his voice :

“I’m-I’m a big brother.”

And boom. There it was.  

Up until now, you had managed to keep your cool, looking at your sons and daughter holding Thomas in turn, and beaming at him happily.

But here, that bewildered look on Damian’s face, and that smile he probably didn’t even notice he had on, was a little too much for your heart.

Damian was the one you were most worried about, when it came to meet baby Thomas. You weren’t sure how he’d react.

All along your pregnancy he was doing fine, and seemed excited about the prospect to have a new brother. But at times, when nobody was looking at him, you noticed the worried look in his eyes, and it frustrated you to no end to not be able to know for sure what your son was thinking.

You’ve always been good at deciphering the Waynes’ emotions, sometimes even better than them themselves. But in that case...You couldn’t quite put your finger on what kind of worries were assaulting your boy.

Was he afraid you’d love his little brother more ? Or that he wouldn’t be the “baby” anymore ? Maybe afraid not to be a good enough role model ? Or to simply to not find a way to bond with him ?

So many questions, and no answers. 

Maybe it was a mix of all of that. But you just couldn’t decide. And it was an immense source of stress for you.

But here, right now, as you witnessed Damian smiling widely and whispering “Im a big brother”, your own worries suddenly vanished.

You turned to your husband who was right next to you, and put your head against his chest, muffling a "awwwww" sound that you feared might put Damian on the defensive. Instinctively, Bruce wrapped his arms around you (this called for some “I know, I know they’re cute” support).

God forbid anyone would catch your little buddy being so sweet. Haha. He hated when you called him that.

Sweet.

But he truly was ? He just didn't know it yet.

You were sure no one ever told him he was "sweet".

But he had all this little attentions for you, his father or siblings. 

He might think of it as nothing, but you all noticed. You noticed all the drawings he’d left in strategic points for all of you. Or how meticulous he was in preparing pop corn or hot chocolate for movie nights. Little things, that when added, became grand. 

You noticed everything. All of you.

Most importantly, you noticed the big changes in him.

Damian was 12 now.

He came into your life two years ago and, after quite a while of him refusing this little family his father made for himself, and making life difficult for everyone…He came around. He understood.

And you never blamed him for being difficult at first, on the contrary. You were the most understanding of them all, scolding your kids or Bruce himself, when they were too unforgiving or frustrated too fast !

It was a team work, to make Damian feel like he was finally home. 

Feel like he was amongst his family. 

Like Dick, Jason, Tim and Cass were his siblings, and although you weren’t his biological mother, you saw him as your own son too.

It was a learning experience for everyone. 

Bruce did a great job at being patient, and teaching him about his own values and such. Forgiving him when he took the wrong decision, all the while still being strict. It was a balance of understanding, softness, forgiveness, and yet still putting important boundaries. Damian never really experienced any of this... 

Your kids had some practice at being older brothers, and only Tim needed an acclimating moments...But he was a fast learner. After the first initial bad meeting, they became close. Although of course, they still bickered from times to times. After all, they were little/big brothers. Everything couldn’t always be perfect. Life wasn’t like that. 

As you looked at Damian and Thomas, you wondered...Would Damian, just like his siblings, find his own way to become a big brother ? How would he proceed ? He had, after all, a lot of role model for this. But would he decide to take the same approach ?  

The future was more unknown than ever, but as you looked at your family surrounding you, and this new beaming little life that entered yours, you had quite the high hopes. 

************

"July 15th 20?? (I’m not putting an exact year cause ya know, it wouldn’t stay accurate). Thomas : three days old.

          I am starting this logbook to understand. I got the idea from Grayson, whom I think got the idea from mom ? I always see him write in that journal of his. I think when he was younger, after he lost his parents and just started to live with father and mom, she suggested to him to write his feelings down. And so he started journaling. He has a bunch of filled notebooks in his room. I saw them a few times, but I never looked. Mom says it’s his thoughts, I would never intrude (okay maybe I “intruded” once. Or twice.). 

         That’s not the point of this anyway. According to both him and mom, writing down their feelings help a lot. So I asked Grayson if he could give me a blank notebooks, since he always has some in advance. He gave me a stupid bright pink one that sparkles and light up in the dark...But oh whatever, at least like that, nobody will know it’s mine, and will open it.

         Now, what is the point of this exactly. Laying it out is suppose to help so, here goes nothing : in this logbook, I am planing to “write down my feelings” so I can understand. I’ve never felt that way before. Love is very new to me, people actually caring about me is very new, having a sort of freedom is new, being happy is new. I’ve come a long way in two years, and I still find it difficult to put words on all the things I feel. Hence, this book. 

          More precisely though, I will record in this “logbook” (not to confuse with a journal or something), my journey as a new big brother. I think it will help me, to write things down. The idea doesn’t sound as stupid as when I first heard it two years ago. On the contrary, I already feel like my brain is getting more organized about my feelings, just by writing this down. Like now, I understand that what I felt as I held Thomas for the first time was love. And a need to protect him. But it was so instant, as soon as I truly saw him, that it made me wonder...Why ? And How ? Is this what it is to be a big brother ? A sudden instinct coming out of nowhere ?

          I will implement my studies of becoming the best big brother (notes for self : competition = hard, have to work very hard), and understanding what it actually means to be one, as it’s a first for me. 

          My life now is full of “firsts”. But in this logbook, I will mostly talk about being a big brother to Thomas, because that’s the newest and most intriguing thing yet. After two years, I think I know what love is, and what it isn’t. It isn’t praising me for being the best, but encouraging me to always do my best. It isn’t training me and being proud of me when I’m perfect, but accepting my flaws unconditionally. Yes. I think I got love down. It’s in little gestures, like when father goes to the other side of town to get my favorite take away. It is in small (and sometimes big) affectionate things like calling me pet names, ruffling my hair, or making sure I am alright. Love englobes a lot of things (my feelings for Thomas being in it). It took me a while to understand it, and I think if I had a logbook to write my findings down, it would’ve been easier. 

          So here I am. Starting a new journey of discovery. But with the knowledge I already have. How my brothers and sister are with me. How my parents are with me. How my friends, are with me. What love truly is. I’m not starting this new canvas blank, but with already a large array of color. What I need now, is to make this painting my own.

*There is here a drawing of himself standing at the front of a large pirate boat, ready to start this “new journey of discovery”, with the annotation “I think Grayson would enjoy this analogy of being captain of my own boat, as in of my own destiny. He always enjoyed pirates”*

         A plan : 1. Get books on babies.                        2. Hanging out with Thomas.                       3. Observing how the others are interacting with him.                       4. There is no 4 yet. But there will be as I come along, I suppose.”

************

It all happened so fast. 

Bruce and the kids were about to go on patrol, when you started to scream at him that it was time. In a panic, you rushed to the hospital, leaving behind your children who anxiously waited for some news. 

Hours went by, and no news were given. 

Everyone slowly started to freak out, but Damian was the one who was touched the most. 

When Jason dared to tell him : “Hey buddy, no news mean good news, right ?” in an attempt to comfort him, Damian went on a rant about how this expression was idiotic and made no sense. 

No news meant a lot of things ! Like, maybe their father RECKLESS driving got them into an accident, or maybe there was complications with the babies, or they ran in any kind of troubles that prevented them to give news ! 

No news meant “no news” ! And was in no way, in Damian’s eyes, a positive thing ! 

It’s as Damian was going on and on about what could’ve gone wrong that could explain the lack of news, and starting to freak everyone out, that the phone finally rang. 

“Ah, see ? No news did mean good news.” 

Jason said ruffling his little brother’s hair. Although his apparent confidence was only a facade, because Damian’s list of “what could’ve gone wrong” really got to him too (he’d never admit it but Jason was quite the worry wart). 

But everything was fine now. He could joke, and tease his brother again. Because...

It was official, there was a new member in the family. 

Thomas Clark Wayne was born, on a sunny July day. 

************

Damian didn’t know how to feel. Or rather, didn’t know what he felt.

He knew that day was going to happen, he saw his mother’s belly grow. He touched it, and couldn’t help but share his parents happiness...but it all seemed so surreal at the time ?

Like the baby would come in a very long time ?

He wasn’t an idiot. Plus, he was already 12 now. He most definitely knew where babies came from (ew) and how they came to life (double ew). 

But even with this knowledge, he just hadn’t been able to visualize having a baby brother ? 

So when he found himself in the hospital corridors, following after his older siblings, running a little to keep up with their hurried pace, he wasn’t really sure what to feel.

What would he find in that room ?

Probably his mom and father, smiling at him, and holding a baby in their arms...

It was weird. Because Damian had always been the “baby” of the family. Was this spot now his brother’s ? How did that make him feel ?  What was his place now, then ?

He didn’t know. He didn’t know !

Did he still have a place ? How was he suppose to know what it was ? 

So many thoughts were rushing through his head, he didn’t have time to process any of them that they already were in the room. 

The first thing Damian saw wasn’t the newborn, as his brothers gathered quickly around his mom and father while he stayed a bit behind with Cass (who rolled her eyes a lot, whispering : “boys” every two seconds). 

No. The first thing Damian saw was his father. His smiling father. 

Given the looks his older brothers gave in his direction, Damian gathered that Thomas was in their fathers’ arms. And Bruce was smiling so widely. 

It was pretty rare, to see him smile. It only happened when he was with his family. You made him smile a lot, even more so when you both thought nobody was looking at you. 

Damian thought that it was the first time he saw this specific smile of his father. 

Thomas’ existence had created a new awe induced smile... 

Bruce was looking down at his tiny son in his arms, and was just smiling widely and...sort of like a child ? 

Like even when he smiled to his wife, or to his kids. Those actual genuine smile he gave them, not the fake "Brucie Wayne" persona ones. They were always very him ? They always had his past in it. When he smiled at them, they could see they meant a lot, because he was able to smile even through all his pain. And they were the one that brought his happiness forth. 

Bruce’s smiles to his family were grateful, full of pure joy, and recognition. With a hint of sadness, however. Of traumas he could never forget. 

But here, as he held Thomas, it was like he forgot everything, and was carefree for the first time since he was eight. 

Of course, it only appeared like that to Damian because he wasn’t quite sure yet about how he should feel. Happy, or jealous ? He never noticed the many times his father gave him that exact pure child like happiness and awe too. 

Bruce wasn’t always the best at showing his feelings, a lot of time, he would smile softly, full of love, in the way he was right now, only when he was sure no one was looking. 

He most definitely smiled that way to all his children, they just never had the chance to witness it due to Bruce’s own self-consciousness, and not being sure  how to handle his own feelings at times.

In that way, Damian and his father were very much alike. You often said so. They sometimes had great trouble expressing themselves. 

Which could cause great misunderstanding, like right now. 

As Damian witnessed his father smile this way for the first time ever, and wondered...

Wondered if..If Talia gave him to Bruce as a baby, would he have smiled the same way ? 

…Probably not.

It made Damian feel all sort of things, to realize that. 

Strangely, the emotions he felt weren’t negative. On the contrary, he was glad that his little brother was lucky enough to be born into this family he thought amazing, and would grow up immediately loved and never alone. 

Sure, Damian wished it would’ve been the case for him too. But you told him once that the past was the past, and it did no good to dwell on it (he was pretty sure you misquoted Dumbledore from Harry Potter but never said anything), and it really stuck with him. 

He would never be a baby anymore, hurting himself and his feelings thinking about what could’ve been was useless. It would only bring him misery. While thinking...Thinking about his new brother having this chance...Well, it made him very happy. 

He was glad, times were changing. 

“Do you want to hold him ?” 

You asked him, taking him out of his reveries about how he realized he only had positive feelings about this new life coming into his. 

Good feelings yet, but not enough to dare hold him. Panicked, he took a few steps back and said : 

“No ! No no, I’m good !” 

You tried to hide your disappointment, and instead gave the boy to your oldest son, Dick. You kinda wished Damian would’ve accepted to take Thomas into his arms. After all, his reaction was the one that worried you the most... 

************

It’s only as he witnessed all his sibling holding their new brother, and beaming brightly at him, that he felt like he wanted to do that too. 

He felt like he was missing out, because they all seemed to thoroughly enjoy holding Thomas ! And he felt like he was building unnecessary boundaries between him and his new baby brother. 

What if Thomas thought he didn’t want to be his brother ? 

Of course, right now, being only a few hours old, Thomas couldn’t think about that yet. But Damian read somewhere that infants could feel this sort of things. And so he turned to Tim, who was the one holding the baby boy at the moment, and said : 

“Can I-...Can I ?” 

Of course, Tim understood, and did not hesitate to put his little brother in his other little brother’s arms. He explained quickly to Damian how to hold him, making sure Thomas’ head was all good, and let go (later, he’d admit that he watched YouTube video to know the proper way to hold a baby). 

And the rest was history. 

“I’m-I’m a big brother.” 

************

“Friday, October 16th 20??,  Thomas : 4 months old. 

       I found books about babies. Many of them. 36 to be exact. They were in the library, I suspect father bought them to read up on how to take care of a baby. After all, he never had one, since we all arrived around 8/10. 

       I put in practice what I got from them, and was very successful doing so. Thanks to them, I was able to refine my studies on what it truly means to be a big brother. 

(...)” 

“Damian ?” 

Bruce was looking for you, and guessed you were in your office, which, just like the bedroom you shared with him, was right next to the nursery. Of course. 

He knew you must’ve been there at this time of the day because it was your “writing time”, but also Thomas’ “nap time”. In your office, you could make sure to be there for him quickly. 

Bruce had just come home and as usual, looked for you immediately. He had a tough day at Wayne Enterprise, and you always were his respite. 

But as he walked in front of Thomas’ room (where he was planning on going after seeing you), he was stopped in his track by the door being open, and quite an odd vision. 

Damian was standing next to his brother’s crib, an arm reaching out in it. As Bruce, intrigued, approached them, he noticed that one of Thomas’ tiny hand was wrapped around one of Damian’s finger. 

Before he could ask what was happening, his boy whispered, as to not wake his little brother up : 

“I read somewhere that babies need physical contact so their brain can develop well. A baby that nobody ever touches just doesn’t speak much, and isn’t as advanced as one who received affection. So I’m holding his hand.” 

Bruce’s brain went blank, as he looked at the extremely cute scene of his youngest son sleeping peacefully, holding his older brother’s hand. It was too much for his heart, trying to not sound choked up, he asked : 

“How long have you been here ?” 

Damian looked up, thinking, before he answered : 

“A couple of hours ?” 

“A couple of-That long ?!” 

“Ssssshhh. Father !” 

Damian whispered scolding his dad for his loudness. He gave a worried look to Thomas, afraid he woke up, and then turned to his father again saying : 

“I heard him cry, and recognized it as being his lonely cry. So I came. Mother fell asleep on her desk, I think she was just too tired to even realize he was crying. I know neither of you have been sleeping very well lately, so no one can blame her. You two work tough jobs, then do the vigilante thing, and have to take care of a baby who doesn’t sleep through the night yet. It’s understandable, to feel very sleepy. So I came.” 

Bruce felt it through his entire body. This warm, fuzzy feeling. The same one that he forgot for so many years, until you and Dick came into his life. 

“How did you hear him ?” 

“I rigged his baby phone to my phone, so it would give me alerts if he cries. Tim helped me develop a sort of app for that.” 

This specific feeling he only felt when looking at you or his children. A sort of serenity filling his entire body. Peace.

“I rocked him a little bit. He smiled at me a lot, and cooed too. And then he felt back asleep, but as soon as I put him in the crib he cried again. I figured he didn’t wanna be alone, so I stayed and held his hand, and he eventually fell back asleep. Now I’m too afraid to wake him up if I leave, so I’m here.” 

“So you’re here...” 

Pride was in Bruce’s heart now. A beaming, strong, huge pride. Pride of having such a sweet little boy. Ah. Who would’ve thought, over two years ago, that Damian Wayne would stay two hours near a baby in fear that if he left, he would wake him up ? 

Feeling inspired, Bruce bend down and kissed Damian’s forehead affectionately. This took the boy by surprised, and he literally gasped ! 

It made Bruce feel a little guilty. His sometimes odd way of loving made it so that he reserved those forehead kisses only when his kids felt bad, or when he through they were asleep (though they never were). Moments of distress; or moment he was sure they wouldn’t notice. 

Sometimes, Bruce just wasn’t too sure how to react with his children. Except on definite moments, like them needing him, or them being too cute for him to resist a forehead kiss (they were always adorable, sleeping). 

Or, in this instance, his boy doing something so sweet he felt the urge to kiss him with all the love and affection he had. 

Now though, a little embarrassed, he took a step back, and ruffled his son’s hair again, saying : 

“You’re a good brother.” 

And then he left awkwardly, going to your office so he could pick you up and go take a nap with you in your room. Yes. This surge of emotion he felt, as he saw his two youngest children together, definitely called for a nap in your arms. You always had a knack, to calm him, even unconsciously... 

Damian stayed in Thomas’ room, a huge smile plastered on his face. 

His father just said he was a good brother !

“(...) Continuation of the previous entry (October 16th).      I put in practice what I got from them, and was very successful doing so. Thanks to them, I was able to refine my studies on what it truly means to be a big brother.

      Now, after four months of studying Thomas’ behavior and such, I came to realize that he has different kind of cry. They are as proceeded :  1. High pitch continuous noise = he’s hungry.  2. When he makes a series of loud “heh” = he’s too cold, or hot, or wet. It’s his sign to express a discomfort. Usually means dirty diaper, if no dirty diaper, means something else and then you have to look for what is bothering him. Example : Yesterday, the bird outside his window chirping was annoying him and keeping him from sleeping soundly. 3. Loud screams punctuated by pauses = He’s lonely. The pauses are him listening in to see if someone is coming to get him.  4. Almost silent cries, when it’s so loud it becomes quiet = he didn’t burp properly after eating and desperately need too. A few light tap on his back will make him feel better very quickly.  5. When he whimpers, it’s usually because he has gaz. Putting him a little straighter helps him...evacuate.

        I put this directly in practice today, when I realized he was doing his “lonely cry”. I went to his rescue, and I didn’t mind staying hours with him even though he’s still a little baby and doesn’t do much. He smiled at me a lot, I think he recognized my voice. And my singing (note for self : make sure no one is around when such occurrence happen, almost got caught by father today). Then it felt like he didn’t want to let me go, so I stayed. 

      Is that what it is, to be a big brother ? Being needed ? If it is, it actually feels nice. It would certainly explain all the time Dick, Jason, Tim and Cass came to my own rescue. Wether help for my homework or to comfort me. But, I do that too, as a little brother ? I comforted them too many times. And I witnessed Jason, Tim or Cass comforting Dick and vice versa and in all ways. So, this means it’s a sibling thing, not quite a big brother thing. Need to keep studying to know what “big brother” is exactly.” 

************

"Saturday, December 9th 20??. Thomas’ first Christmas/6 month old.

     I started to build his gift. I think he will like it. I-” 

“What are you doing, Damian ?” 

You asked him, walking towards him as he busied himself at the gadget station in the Batcave. You saw him jump in the air slightly, and put away a bright pink notebook quickly. 

And then he saw you had Thomas in your arms, and when Damian saw him, he hid whatever he was doing as fast as he could. 

“Mom, you’re gonna spoil the surprise !! Get Thomas away !” 

Surprised, and without thinking about it, you went to your husband who was typing away on the computer and put the baby in his arms. 

Bruce was about to grumble that he was busy and brush the both of you away (he could be a jerk sometimes), but you didn’t gave him a chance, shoving your son in his arms. And when he looked, annoyed, at his baby and how the little one seemed the happiest of them all as he just recognized his father. Bruce’s mood lifted all of a sudden. 

He smiled softly, realized he was being an asshole and was going to apologize to you but you were already gone back to Damian. Your husband and baby son exchanged a curious look, before Thomas got very interested in his father “Bat” logo and started to try to grab it, while Bruce smiled softly again and, holding his son in one arm, continued his work. 

Balancing family and night activities had been hard for him to get and do, but he had it covered, nowadays. Well. Almost. 

Meanwhile, you were back next to Damian, and with a sigh of relief, your son uncovered his project. 

It did all kind of things to your heart... 

“Damian, is that-” 

You couldn’t finish your sentence, too touched. Your son, proudly, said : 

“It’s a mobile to go above his bed ! I think he doesn’t like the one he currently has. So I’m making him one with things he’ll like ! See mom, that’s you. Do you recognize yourself ?”

Damian seemed worried about this, and you nodded. It definitely looked like you. So. Your son wasn’t just good at drawing, but also at sculpting... 

“It’s for Christmas.” 

He said, smile wide. And as you grabbed him and crushed him against your chest, he got a little confused... 

"Saturday, December 25th 20??. Thomas’ first Christmas/6 month old.

*There’s here a drawing of Thomas beaming at his mobile above his bed that Damian build for him*

       I knew my present would be Thomas’ favorite. After all, it represents everything he likes. I put everyone from our family (Father, mom, Alfred, Dick, Tim, Cass, Jason, and of course, me), and a few of his favorite animals (I used Ace and Titus for the dogs, Tommy is very fond of them). And it makes music, which he seems to enjoy a lot. Especially when our mom, dad or anyone from the family sings to him. I recorded all of them secretly when they sang to him, and made it so he just has to push a button on the side of his crib to turn the mobile on.

       I wasn’t even worried that he wouldn’t understand how to make it work. He’s only six months old, but he’s already very smart and curious (I think the physical contact  we all gave him is a lot to “blame” for). So when I put the mobile above his bed, and pushed the button to start the voice of our mother, he moved his little arms and legs excitedly and smiled at the mobile widely ! I only had to push the button a few times more, and for our father, Dick, and Jason’s voice to be on for him to notice the button, and to push it himself. Or rather, to kick it or throw himself on it as best he could. He is still not that coordinate when it comes to movements. But he’s smart. He understood that, to have the music, he had to push the button.

         He didn’t pay attention to all his other gifts, but mine he loved. It’s because I made it with everything he likes. So of course, he loves it. Is that what it is, to be a big brother ? To know your little sibling and be the best at giving him a gift ? No. That doesn’t sound right. Tim, or Jason, already gave me absolutely useless terrible gift, and yet it still made me happy to receive them, and that they thought about me. Mmm. The researches are still on.”

************

“Thursday, March 7th 20??. Thomas : One year and a half.

      Father and mom entrusted me with babysitting Thomas today, as everyone was busy. I was very happy to be trusted with such responsibilities. I thought it would be easy, at that age, they're easily manipulated. Well...I was wrong"

************

“NO NO NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOO.” 

Thomas was screaming, while Damian was trying to be heard : 

“Thomas, listen, you need to put your pants on or-”

“NOOOOO !! NO DAMDAM NOOOOO !!”

“No”, was one of the first word Thomas pronounced. Right after “mama” and “dada” (the jury was still out on which words he said first, and was source of endless bickering between you and your husband). 

Then he started to try and pronounce his siblings’ name, although he wasn’t quite there yet. Damian being the youngest and still at home (Dick and Jason had their own apartment by now, and Cass and Tim were starting to be very busy with college), he was able to sort of say his name first. 

“Damdam”. Close enough. 

But right now, Damdam really wasn’t having a good time. 

It started rather smoothly. Thomas was a pretty calm child, so Damian (wrongly) thought it would be all good all day.

Only, it was the first time he was taking care of his brothers for so long. A couple of hours there and there. He made sure to be with him at least once a day, for at least two hours. Most of the time, it was more. 

They really started to be very close, sometimes, Thomas would choose Damian over you or Bruce...it vexed the both of you, but you had to put yourself in the shoes of your young son. 

Damian only had the good times with him. Playtime, and bed time stories, and such. While you and Bruce had to be strict with him sometimes, and give him boundaries (like no jumping on his bed, or no pulling the dogs’ tails). 

Bruce once mentioned that Thomas most certainly inherited your petty side, given the fact he always went to Damian when you scolded him. But when you smacked him on the head, vexed, he said he was joking (although we all know he wasn’t). 

In any way, Damian, in that year and a half, only had the good times with his brother. And today, as he had to take care of him all day long, he realized that...it wasn’t always that easy. 

Proof : the morning had gone well, but now, it was over, and it was time to put some close on. Problem : Thomas didn’t seem very keen on putting pants, today. 

It started slowly, as if it was a game. 

Thomas ran around the room, laughing, repeating : “no ‘an’ !” (which probably meant “no pants”). Up until Damian tried to take his father’s strict tone and said : 

“Ok Thomas, enough now, you need to put your pants on.” 

Well. That didn’t play well in Thomas’ book. Frowning, he said : 

“No.” 

“Yes, Tommy. It’s day time, you need to put pants on.” 

“No.” 

“Yes. Come on, I’ll help you.” 

“NO !” 

Thomas ran away from Damian’s grasp, and your son was so surprised that he wasn’t able to catch him right away. He caught up to him though as Thomas was climbing a couch, sure that he’d be out of reach at its top (probably not understanding that Damian wasn’t as small as him...). 

Once on the top of it, he sad down and put his hands in front of his eyes, clearly thinking he was hidden, now. 

“I can see you Thomas.”

“No.” 

“Stop saying no, I can see you.” 

“No.” 

“Come on Thomas, I’m not playing anymore, I can see you, and you need to put some pants on.” 

“Noooooooooooooooo.” 

“Tho-” 

“NooOOooOOoOOoOOoOoo noooooooo.” 

“Thoma-”

“NoooOOoOOoo no no no no no no no !!!!” 

Damian realized trying to talk it out wouldn’t work. His brother was probably too young to be reasoned with. Quickly,he scratched his head to find a solution. 

Maybe making him laugh again ? Like Dick did with him at first. 

It felt like such a long time ago, but there was a time when Damian was a really big brat. He still was, sometimes, he wasn’t perfect of course. But he improved a lot. 

Regardless, one of the way Dick would make him stop being bratty, was making absolutely awful jokes and trying to make him laugh by doing stupid things. Ok. Here we go then : 

“Hey hey Thomas look, look !” 

“No no no no...No ?” 

Ok. Good point. Thomas was now watching Damian doing backflips and running around. Beaming, the little boy smiled widely and clapped his hands. 

YES ! Damian most definitely won. He stopped doing his acrobatics and turned to his little brother, saying : 

“Ok, time for pants now.” 

But Thomas frowned again, as if vexed he fell for the show, and gave Damian a definitive : 

“No.” 

Well. That was a fail. What did Jason do again, to stop one of Damian’s own tantrum ? Oh. Right. Um. That probably wouldn’t be a good method with such a young kid. Skipping that one. 

Tim ? Tim would talk to him about his favorite things. Video games, or whatever. And blackmailing him a lot (as a good big brother). Damian wasn’t too into blackmailing, but he was kinda running out of ideas. 

This was the first time Thomas was being difficult with him, it was too new, he needed more data to know exactly how to react ! 

So, blackmail it would be. 

“If you put your pants on, we’ll watch your favorite movie !” 

This seemed to peak Thomas’ interest. He looked at the Tv, then at his pants. Then at the TV again and...oh...Ooooh...Damn it ! Damian could see he almost got him. But it didn’t work, his brother shook his head “no” so strongly he almost fell of the couch. 

Ok. What were the options left ? What did Cass do ? Mmm. She would hug him and tell him things would be alright. Which worked for him, given his past, but Thomas was a little over one and had a normal happy childhood so far ! 

They couldn’t relate to their past, like Cass and him did. 

Ok. What would his mom do ? Well, with his mom, Damian had the intimate feeling that Thomas would’ve put on his pants without a word. He knew she wasn’t joking around. He’d never pull this sort of things with her. 

He would though, pull that with his father. And what would Bruce do ? Either let it go, or, if he was in a bad mood, be very strict and force him to put his pants on. Nobody said his father was perfect...His mother, neither. She could be implacable in her way of educating her son. 

Thomas was a calm boy, and was of course allowed to have tantrums. Their mother was mostly understanding. But if she was tired, she’d be less patient...It wasn’t always easy, raising kids. And the gods knew the Waynes had a LOT on their plates, at times.

MMm. Damian didn’t want to force him to do anything, or to lose his patience. 

And then it hit him. The solution was right in front of his eyes. Of course. It was so simple ! 

"(...) Continuation of last entry (March 7th) 

         New observation after today’s babysitting : toddlers sometimes focus on one thing so much they don't know how to react, and therefor, explodes with feelings 

        I found that my siblings tricks to calm me down would not work on Thomas, because he isn’t me. We don’t have the same personality, or background. I never even noticed before, how Dick, for example, used different methods to comfort all of us. Adaptability is key. Like how father gives us all different trainings, according to our own needs. Little brothers are the same. When mad, they need to be calmed in different ways. Thomas is such a calm kid and has so few tantrum, I feel comfortable doing what I did. 

       Which brings me to my next point. Being an older brother sometimes mean being the bigger person. Giving up, and letting them do what they want. I never realized how many things Tim, Dick, Jason or Cass gave up for me. But it now becomes very apparent to me. They switched things around in their lives to be convenient for me. Like, Tim used to love playing video games on his own, yet he let me come and play with him even as he doesn’t like multiplayer modes. Jason is afraid of snakes yet took me to Gotham terrarium where there’s one of the largest concentration of snakes in the US when I asked him. Dick gave up on ever taking many hoodies I stole from him back. Etc etc. 

         Being a big brother means being the bigger person sometimes, and letting the small one have their ways. Dick, Jason, Cass and Tim did it all the time with me, and it’s my turn to do it with Thomas. Unlike our parents, I don’t need to be the “police officer” of the house. I can have only the good times, and when appropriate, just let go. 

       Today was the first tantrum I witnessed Thomas having, and I decided to let it go. After than, it went all smooth. And honestly, he’s just a bit over one. It’s ok, if he doesn’t wear pants...” 

************

Their parents found them both asleep in front of Thomas’ favorite movie. 

They were still both in their pyjamas. 

“No pants” day became a thing, for the two brothers. 

**********

“Wednesday, April 19th 20??. Thomas : 3 years old.

        Today, I learned a new lesson. I kind of already knew it before, by observing Dick, Jason, Tim and Cass. But it only became obvious to me today :  A big brother is here to help his little sibling walk his own path. And discover the world.” 

Damian was looking at his baby brother toughtfully. Mmm. Seemed like the kid liked animals too. Maybe they could bond further over this ?

Your boy remembered that that's how his own siblings handled him. They found common ground on which they could understand each others.

With Dick, Damian learned how to perfect his flips and other acrobatics. They enjoyed the creativity and yet physical training of this “game”. 

With Jason, he used to spew all his frustration at him, and Jason would nod and say things like : “that’s right little bird, you tell ‘em !” and just agree with him on everything, even when he was wrong. They could particularly agree on how sometimes, Bruce could be a jerk...And yet wouldn’t wish for any other father. 

With Cass, they’d do artistic things. Drawing, or dancing. Sometimes sitting in silence for hours, back to back, while they painted. It was nice. Relaxing. 

With Tim...Well, Tim was a big advocate of this definition of sibling, that he made up himself : “The only people who will pick on you for their own entertainment, and beat up anyone else who tries.” So they’d bicker a lot, but then if anyone else was trying to rile Damian up, Tim would appear out of nowhere to give them a piece of his mind.

Yes. Yes. As Damian was observing little Thomas hug and smile at his stuffed animals, and thought that this could be quite the approach. 

After all, he really loved animals too.

"'Ook Damdam, ook ! SIMBA !"

Damian had become an expert in his brother's baby talk, and knew this meant : "Look Damian, Look ! A lion"

"No Thomas, not a Simba, a lion. Not all lions are called Simba, just like in the film."

Patience was key. Damian was pretty sure he already told Thomas that exact same thing a hundred time, but for some reasons, the boy stayed stuck on his Disney knowledge. 

But today, something different happened. Things clicked in the boy’s head.

Thomas looked at his stuffed animal for a while, and then asked : 

"…Nala ? Girl ?"

"…Wether it's a boy or a girl, their names aren't simba or nala, they're lions. And lionness. Simba and Nala are characters in a movie."

The boy looked at his  brother, confused, then looked back at his plushy lion and asked, to make sure :

"…Not Simba ?"

"Lion."

"…'ion ?"

"Yes."

"That, not Nemo ?"

OH ! They were making progress ! So far, Thomas didn’t really listen to Damian when he tried to teach him animal names, and just gave them names of Disney characters ! 

Now, he was pointing at his stuffed clown fish, asking wether he was a “Nemo” or not ! PROGRESS ! 

Damian smiled internally. Thinking it was cute, you and Bruce never did much to correct your son, which Damian found frustrating. But here they were, him finally gaining grounds !

“Right, not Nemo. Clown fish.” 

“On fish.”

“Clown. CL-OWN”.

“O-N.” 

“K-K. LL. AON. Repeat after me Thomas, Clown.” 

“...Cl...cl...clnown ?” 

“Clown.” 

“CLOWN !” 

“YES !”

“CLOWN FISH !” 

Thomas said proudly, showing his plushy. And Damian felt a rush of pride.Yes. That was it. Clown fish. He learned a new thing. And...And he probably wouldn’t have learned it yet if it wasn’t for him ? 

Oh. So a big brother also kinda had the role of a teacher. Interesting. 

And as Thomas ran to his father and screamed “CLOWN FISH” at him, Damian couldn’t help but being proud of him. Even though their father was clearly confused, as the little boy now was running to Alfred to show him he knew what a clown fish was, and didn't give further explanations to Bruce. 

“Clown fish ?”

The big scary bat repeated, utterly confused. By a three years old. What was it again ? Best detective in the world ?

************

“GWAYSON !” 

“No Thomas, no, I’m Dick, not Grayson !” 

“...Dick ?” 

“Yes ! Damian, stop teaching him that my name is Grayson ! Ugh. I swear, he hangs out wayyyyy too much with you. I need to spend more time here...” 

Damian grinned slyly, and Dick rolled his eyes. Thomas was growing up fast, and it made sense that he sometimes seemed closer to Damian, whom he saw the most. 

Dick and Jason had their own place, and both Cass and Tim were busy with college. Damian was still in high school, and a lot home. 

Although they weren’t seeing each others as much as he wished, the youngest Wayne and the oldest one still were extremely close. 

In fact, Thomas was very close to all his siblings. They almost were all like second (or third, or fourth) father, and mother. They were so much older than him, of course they’d have this sort of status at time. 

Their parents would take a lot care of him, and he was also very much a “daddy’s and momma’s boy” (like all his siblings really, though they’d never admit it). 

But Thomas did spend a lot of time with Damian, and wether it was on purpose or not, he took a lot after his mannerism and such...just like Damian used to copy his older sibling mannerism, and so on and so forth. 

“Gwayson” though, he could avoid. 

Dick rolled his eyes again, and smirked at Damian, before returning to play with Thomas. 

************

“Thursday, July 23rd 20??, Thomas : 4 years old. 

       Today, father and mom told me I was to take a night off and not to go on patrol. And that was a very big inconvenience. I had things planned, to prove my valor. I was about to sneak out anyway when (...)” 

Damian, his costume on, made sure his parents were busy before starting to come in action. 

First, he had to wait for his father to go on patrol, and join his other siblings out. And for his mom to get in front of the Batcomputer to monitor everything. 

Then, he had to wait for Alfred to put Thomas to bed, and to go himself sleep, the baby phone near him, just in case, even though Thomas was already 4 now and had full nights. The butler would never just leave him like that, even if his room wasn’t too far. 

Finally, he'd just have to sneak out by...

“DAMDAM !” 

Damian jumped in the air, surprised, and turned around. 

His little brother was right there, in front of him, smiling widely. 

“Thomas ? How did you get here ?” 

“I jumped out of bed, and walked.” 

Thomas said the most natural way ever, as if it was obvious how he got there, while it was almost 1 am and was supposed to be in bed. 

“It’s way past your bed time buddy.” 

“I can’t sleep. Mama and daddy awe not hewe. Cassie and Tim either. Alfwed is sleeping !” 

“Well you should be sleeping too !”

“But I can’t ! I just told you !” 

There was a short silence between the two, and...Oh. Oh he dared. 

Thomas was giving his older brother his world famous “puppy eyes” (a method he directly stole from Damian, of course). And as usual, it worked. 

Damian took his mask off, sighed and said : 

“You want a bed time story ?”

“YES !” 

And without invitation, the boy jumped on his brother’s bed, slipped under the covers, and waited patiently for Damian to go fetch the book they were currently reading. 

“(...) Continuing last entry, (July 23rd)

       And then Thomas fell asleep in my lap, and I realized something. I guess it was good, to have a night off. If I went out, I would’ve never made this important discovery : Tonight, I have learned that to be with the ones I love is enough. And that I do not need to chase after anything else to be happy. 

     It’s a discovery I thought I made long ago, but as I felt more big brother than ever after reading him a story, it truly hit me. Being me, and being with them...It’s enough. I don’t need to have more. And maybe, maybe being a big brother means to simply be there when you feel lonely ? Like Thomas, tonight, as our parents were away, and none of our other siblings were there. Like me too, when I had nightmares and went to hide in Cass, Dick, Jason, or Tim’s bed...whoever was available when mom and dad weren’t. 

       Mom and dad. They do their best. And their best makes them the best parents anyone could wish for. But they have a lot to do, wether in the day or at night. So sometimes, it comes to me. Or to my older siblings, to take care of each others. To take care of Thomas. We have to be there for each others, always. Being a big brother means taking the time to be there. Simple.”

************

“Look Damian, it’s a freakin’ elephant !!”

“Um, what did you say ?”

“It’s a freakin’ elephant !!”

Damian looked around at the disapproving looks he got, and couldn’t care less. Of course, he wasn’t particularly thrilled about his little brother using “freaking” but oh well. It was to be expected, when everyone around him used it (and in some cased *cough* Jason and you *cough* used even worst). 

But as Damian came towards his little brother, he realized something. Something that made him burst out laughing. 

Thomas was starting to read on his own now. 

It was exciting, to witness Thomas’ progress as he slowly but surely learned how to read. And it felt so nice, to participate in said progress. To be there every steps of the way. 

Damian shared the pride Thomas felt whenever he showed his parents how well he’d gotten at reading.

And it was so nice, to see his mom and dad congratulates both of them…Thom because he really started to read well, and Damian for helping him out.

Far were the frustrating days when Thomas was a stubborn toddler that refused to call animals by their “actual names”. 

Damian spend many hours trying to explain to his younger brother that no, mice weren’t called “Mickey” and elephants “Dumbo” ! 

Nowadays, the little boy knew what the animals’ name actually were. Which didn’t mean no incident ever happened…Like today.

It was Thomas’ sixth birthday and he asked to go to the zoo (Damian definitely had an impact on that boy).

“Look Damdam, it’s a freakin’ elephant !!”

The boy said excitedly, pulling his brother’s sleeve and pointing at the elephant’s massive enclosure. Damian shook his head, slightly shocked. 

Not because his brother just called him “Damdam” (it was the nickname Thomas gave him long ago, when he couldn’t pronounce things quite right, and it just stuck), but because Thomas’ words were very much unlike him. 

Their parents were a bit further, being disgustingly cute together, holding hands and all, and trusting Damian to keep an eye on Thomas (they knew he’d never let that kid out of his sight, plus Damian was almost an adult, now, he was responsible…sometimes).

“What did you say, Thomas ?”

“It’s a freakin’ elephant !”

The boy seemed so proud of himself. Damian knew elephants were some of his brother’s favorite animal, but he just couldn’t get over the fact that his precious little brother just used the word “freaking”, even if it really wasn’t a bad one. 

That’s when Damian noticed it. The plaque giving informations about which kind of elephant it was. …His laughter resonated in the entire zoo. Both you and Bruce went to see what happened, and were face by a son shaking with laughter, and another little one that seemed very confused. When you asked what happened, Damian barely manage to say, pointing at the enclosure next to you :

“It’s a freakin’ elephant !”

And there, there came the laughter. 

Yes. Yes it was an “freakin’ elephant”…Or, for those who weren’t as new at reading as Thomas was, an “African elephant. 

Damian later shared what just happened with his older siblings, and they in turn gave him many occurrences of him being naive or such sometimes. 

Like that time Jason made him believe that the hays in fields covered with white plastics were marshmallows’ fields...But instead of being vexed, Damian laughed with them. 

Because that was what being a little sibling meant. And being the older one meant to see the evolution the small one went through, witness it all, and help out. Be there. 

Finally. Finally Damian felt like he truly understood, what it was to be a big brother ? 

**********

“Saturday, July 12th 20??, Thomas : 6 years old. 

          It took me six years, but I think I know now. After countless study and experiment. After spending hours and hours with Thomas. I think I know what it means to be a big brother. 

         First I had to understand what being a sibling meant. And that was easy. I had good model. Dick, Jason, Tim, Cass. They’re the best older siblings you can wish for (after me, of course). They helped me understand so much...Thanks to them, I finally got what it was, to be a sibling. And here it is : 

        Being siblings means our bond is stronger than any outside force, and we always have someone to lean on. It means late night pillow talks, awkward phone conversations, and insane laughter. It means calling each others over for no reason other than to sit in silence or talk for hours about nothing. One minute I'll be talking to one of my brother about Harry Potter, and the next I'll be talking to my sister about the newest music we're listening to. 

        But being an older brother...Being an older brother goes beyond just that. When you’re the youngest, sure you’re there for them, and you help out. But most of the time, you’re the one being helped, and having the most support. While still having fun ? 

        Being an older brother, it's keeping that balance between letting out my inner child (which I didn’t even know I had for the longest time, and was let out thanks to my older siblings at first) but still looking out for my little brother.

       Basically, it means having a free therapist and the greatest confidante you could ask for. I went to my older brothers and sister many times, in time of need. And Thomas comes to me often, too. When it’s things we can’t tell our parents, you know ? 

        Being an older brother means being there for your little one through thick and thin. There were many times I had to stand up for Thomas even when it was difficult, whether it was to our parents or someone else. And there were even more times when Dick, Jason, Tim or Cass stood up for me. 

        But it also means being a little strict at times. I came to realize that when Dick told me to do something, or Tim, or any of them...It came more from the fact they wanted me to not get into trouble than anything else, and that...That I realized with Thomas. Sometimes, you have to tell your little sibling what to do. But some other times, it’s totally ok to let go. 

        Being a big brother means loving and supporting your little sibling no matter who or what they choose to be or do. That’s what my brothers and sister showed me, and my parents too. And that’s what I discovered with my own little brother. So what if we didn’t have all the same interest ?

        Being a big brother means celebrating individuality and being proud of the fact that your little brother/sister is a part of your family. I’m glad we’re all different, with my siblings. And I’ll never make Thomas feel bad for that. It’s good, that he’s the calmest out of all of us, and had a different kind of life.

        Maybe being an older brother means that occasionally, I take advantage of the fact I can tell Thomas what to do (and how easily he listens to me), but...I am his biggest fan. If he falls, I will always pick him back up (right after finishing laughing, like Jason would say). 

        Yes. It took me six years, but I think I finally know what being a big brother means. I’m glad, because this is the last page of this logbook. 

        One day, I think I’ll give it to you, Thomas. Just in case. If you’re going through a tough time, or you’re not sure of who you really are. To remind yourself I went through the same thing. 

        To remind yourself I had to write, for six years, certain important interactions I had with you so I would understand a simple concept such as “being a big brother”.

        And that Dick did too. It wasn’t easy for him to go from a circus life with his parents to Wayne Manor with mom and dad, who were both rather young at the time, and inexperienced. 

         Jason came from the street, rejected by everyone. Do you think it was easy for him to acclimate to a life where he could finally be at peace ? Nope. And then, when he died and came back ? Ask him, and you’ll know. 

         Cass came a long way. Now, she speaks a lot, especially to you. But she used to be “mute”. And had a hard life. You should ask her, sometimes. 

         Tim struggled with being ignored all his life, and then he came in and suddenly had siblings, and “real” parents. Then I came along and fucked things up a bit (don’t swear)...but he came through, understanding what a big brother was supposed to be. 

         We all came through. Mainly because we had each others. So please Thomas, if you ever feel down, just come to me. Or to them. To us. We’re your older siblings, and that what it means. 

          I’m here for you. We’re here for you. Forever.”

The end 

__________________________________________________

So, y’all know I was very nervous about posting this. I hope it wasn’t a total fail and you enjoyed reading it ? Thank you for reading, and as usual, if you liked it and all, comments and reblogs are always more than welcomed :). Here we go. See you next time with another story. Now, I’m going to go hide in a whole out of fear that you guys will hate this and how different it might be from other stories (as it’s mainly Damian/Thomas centric). 

For those who do not know who Thomas is and are curious, here are the stories from my main Batmom timeline in which he appears : The Great Mall adventure, Master of Diaper, Shaky steps and bad teaching, Polichinelle, “Go away, you’re confusing my baby”, How do you make babies ?, Wild Child 2, “We want them back” and After Batmom’s death

CLICK HERE FOR ALTERNATE ENDING 

[knittingdreams]

Fireheart - Chapter 4

Hey there! Hope you’re having an amazing day! To make it a little better, here’s an update on my ToG fanfic! If you haven’t read the previous chapters, you can find them here:

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

I promise I'll make a Masterlist one of this days so it’s easier to find n_n

CHAPTER 4

Implementing phase one

Once lunchtime came around, Celaena walked eagerly towards the school’s cafeteria, her stomach rumbling loudly. She was still not used to the new schedule and having to get up so early, she hadn’t managed to grab anything for breakfast before riding to school. She had had enough time to carefully sort out her uniform for the day though, adding her own little twist with a red bandana tied around her right wrist. She had also taken twenty minutes in front of the mirror putting on her contacts and making sure her makeup was spotless.

She had accentuated her cheekbones, making her face look a bit rounder than what it was, had thinned her nose, and added a few fake freckles across it. She had decided on black eyeliner and simple grey eyeshadow, with a little bit of gold in the inner corners of her eyes. That day's lipstick choice was bright red, as it matched her rider's vibe. 

Celaena got in the queue at the buffet, eyeing everything in front of her and having a hard time choosing only one item from the vast range of options. In the end, she settled for the fried chicken, a portion of fries, and two servings of pudding. 

Finding an empty table close enough to her main interests but a little secluded at the same time was a challenge; but once she found the spot, she sat down with her tray. 

She watched as the cafeteria filled up, and spotted Sam on a crowded table only a few meters away. They were one to each side of Aedion’s table, and she knew this was no coincidence; Sam was playing his cards too. Annoyed, Celaena glared at him, but Sam’s eyes were too focused on the couple making a scene in between them, and he didn’t see her.

“Hi, there!” Someone said, popping a tray of food next to her own, and grabbing a seat.

Celaena turned towards the intruder, surprised to find a dark-skinned girl with long raven dreadlocks falling to her waist and curious eyes that were looking at her. 

“Hi,” She said dubiously. 

She had enjoyed the peace and quiet of eating on her own the previous day, but she knew it wasn’t going to last. Celaena would have to find her place in the status quo soon, or else she’d end up as an outcast, and that wouldn’t be good for her plans.

“Nice to meet you,” the girl sitting next to her said. “I’m Nehemia, I’m the only other exchange student in this stuck-up school, so I thought we might as well kick start this inevitable friendship of ours,” she finished with a tight smile.

Celaena looked at her a little perplexed, and a little stunned. Nehemia looked somehow shy yet she also had a kind of hidden sass that Celaena found appealing. But she had to remind herself that she wasn’t there to make friends, she had no time for it.

“If you say so,” she replied, nonchalant.

“I’ve been here for a whole year, and I can tell you, this is a hard crowd to please.” Nehemia looked her up and down as if analyzing her. “I would have expected you to be sitting on the table with the jocks already,” she added pointing at them with her head. “A few of them are taken, as the team captain over there. His name is Aedion,” she explained, talking eagerly as Celaena listened carefully while pretending to be more interested in her food. “His father owns one of the biggest businesses in town, and they have investments all over the place, he is loaded! Even more than most of us. It's a bit of a sad story if you ask me, his mother died when he was young, and it’s just him and his father; I believe he lost his aunt and other family members to a tragic accident too. You wouldn’t be able to tell from looking at him though, he’s always so full of himself… And he's got that damned gorgeous smile!” 

Nahemia sighed and stopped talking for a moment as she ate a few spoonfuls of her lunch. Next to her, Celaena looked at Aedion through her lashes as she picked on the fries. 

“Who’s the chick with him?” She asked, knowing that any other girl would have asked the same question.

“Lysandra? She’s the queen bee. Captain of the cheerleaders, she’s probably the most gorgeous girl in this whole town,” she said, and then looked at Celaena, analyzing her again. “Well, maybe she was, she might have competition now.”

Celaena huffed, trying not to grin at the remark. Of course, she was better looking than that girl. At least now she knew who that Lysandra girl was, and she could keep an eye on her. 

“Don’t be stupid,” she said instead.

“Please, I’m not blind, you are absolutely gorgeous. And blond seems to be trending at the moment, I’ve heard every single boy in school talk about your entrance today,” Nehemia added as she lifted her thin brows.

Celaena smiled to herself and disregarded the comment with a wave of her hand.

“So, how long have those two been together for?” She asked next, knowing that she might as well just use this free source of information while it lasted; there wasn’t much time left on the clock before they’ll have to head over to their next class.

“A long while, they've been together since the start of junior year,” Nehemia said. “So sorry to be the one to break it up to you, but you have no chances with Aedion, many have tried to break them apart, but no one has succeeded,” Nehemia finished.

Celaena smiled while she laughed to herself once more. “Don’t worry, I’m not interested, he’s not really my type,” she replied.

“I guess you’re right, you two would look a bit creepy as a couple anyway, he looks like he could be your brother,” Nehemia stated, playing with a gold band from one of her dreads.

Celaena composed her expression into something neutral, trying not to worry about that remark. No one would ever suspect they were related, she was safe, she reminded herself. But this girl had her eyes on the details, and Celaena knew straight away that she’d have to be careful around her. Maybe having her close would be the smarter option.

“What’s your type then? I can picture a hot dark-haired boy…” Nehemia said dreamily as she played with another one of her dreads, her dark eyes darting around the crowd and looking for someone to match Celaena with.

“Oh, how come I didn’t notice it before?” Nehemia said in a hushed tone as she leaned closer to talk into Celaena’s ear. “Dorian is checking you out,” she said, a smile spreading wide on her lips. “You two would look so good together, but he’s not the dating type,” Nehemia replied.

That was a cue Celaena didn’t know she was waiting for, and as the words left Nehemia’s lips, she found herself popping another fry in her mouth and looking up. She met Dorian’s bright blue eyes, and she held his gaze, chewing slowly, playing with a strand of hair between her fingers. 

“How come?” She asked Nehemia, her eyes still on Dorian’s.

Dorian took the bait and elbowed the guy sitting next to him. Celaena watched as Chaol lifted his head, and watched her shamelessly staring at them. 

“I mean, he’s never had a girlfriend in school, rumor has it he’s been with half the girls from Adarlan Elite though,” Nehemia said. “Almost every girl claims to have been in bed with him, but the stories don’t quite… match,” she finished.

Dorian murmured something in Chaol’s ear and then contained a laugh as Chaol shook his head from one side to the other. Dorian shrugged, and stood up, leaving his tray behind on the table and sliding his backpack over a shoulder.

“Is that right?” Celaena replied, her eyes unblinking.

Dorian walked towards their table slowly, deliberately, his eyes never leaving hers.

“Oh my God,” Nehemia whispered. “He’s coming over here, what should we do? What should I do? Do you want me to go?” She was moving in her seat, and Celaena put a hand over her tight under the table, as if telling her to stay calm. Nehemia got the wordless message and went still all of a sudden. She kept her head down, but she gazed up between her long lashes. 

Nehemia looked shy all of a sudden, her shoulders slightly drawn as if trying to make her tall frame look small, but Celaena thought it was a facade; she reckoned underneath it all the girl seemed composed, careful, attentive. The girl knew how to lie, and how to make people see her the way she desired. Celaena noticed because she was so used to doing the exact same thing.

“Dorian,” Celaena said sweetly as the guy finally made his way to them and stood over the other side of the table. “What brings you here?” She asked, motioning at the table and the empty seats in front of her.

“Wondering if I could join you for a moment?” He asked.

“Well,” Celaena said slowly. “I’m pretty certain the bell is about to ring any minute now, and there’s a class I need to attend. I’m sure there’s one you need to head to as well.”

She finished eating the last of her fries, and grabbed a spoon, taking a bite of her chocolate pudding and licking her lips slowly as she swallowed.

“There’s still a few minutes on the clock,” Dorian quipped. “And I’m sure you can’t finish all that on your own,” he continued. “Maybe I could help you.”

“Would you like to bet on that?” Celaena said with a smirk and then shoved another big spoonful in her mouth.

She could see Dorian staring at her lips, and she ran her tongue between them again.  

“You’d be surprised at my odds in gambling,” Dorian said, composing his expression into something like a smug smile. “I’ve never lost, not once,” he said.

Celaena let her eyes drift past Dorian quickly, and saw that she had the attention of most of the cafeteria by then. She saw Aedion looking at her and then looking away when she met his eyes, and then she collided into Sam’s golden-brown irises. It was as if he was trying to burn a hole into Dorian’s back, trying to see through his very soul.

“And will you?” Celaena asked. “I mean, bet against me?” she said as she finished the first portion of pudding, and moved onto the second one.

“No, I would never,” he replied. “I would never dare bet against you, Celaena, I will be sure to always bet on you,” he said, and then he sat down in front of her, leaning over the table to look at her closely.

“Uhm, interesting,” she said. With that, she pushed the dessert over to Dorian and stood up quickly, grabbing her bag in one hand and hooking the other around Nehemia’s elbow. “Lost my appetite, you can have it,” she said as she pulled on Nehemia’s arm and turned around to walk away. 

“You can’t run away, I know where you live, Celaena,” Dorian’s mellow voice trailed after them as they headed out of the cafeteria without looking back.

“What was that about? You just stood up the king of the school! In front of everybody! Do you have any idea how popular that guy is?” Nehemia asked as the double doors closed behind them.

“You have to keep them on their toes,” Celaena replied as she abruptly let go of Nehemia’s arm. The dark-skinned girl looked shocked and motioned to follow along, but Celaena lifted a hand. “I’m on my own from here on, but thanks for the company,” she said nonchalantly as she walked away with quick steps. 

She had never had a girlfriend in her life, and this was the wrong time to go looking for one. Nehemia was smart, and she would keep an eye on her, but she didn’t need friends, no; she needed to infiltrate the hive. 

The first step of her plan had already proved to be a success. She had got the whole school thinking she was a possible match for Dorian. And most importantly, she had caught the attention of the jocks' table. 

Time to move to the second stage, time to become one of the popular kids.

Here’s the Queen Bee herself, Lysandra Caraverre :D [Made with picrew]

[maraudererasmut]

what kinds of things did you do when you were first practicing digital drawing? did you use reference images? where did you find them? anything you would recommend to a baby drawer with a short attention span for instructions?

Well, first and foremost, I’m gonna take a moment to do a little fangirl wiggle, because I’m a huge fan of your work! Thank you for messaging me! 

I’m gonna include a lot of info here, so bear with me! I’ll try to break it down so that it’s easy to understand, but if anyone ha any questions, feel free to ask!

The absolute most important thing for starting out drawing is practice. 

You’re going to hear it from everyone, everywhere, but it’s so very true. When I first started digital drawing, I made sure to use my tablet every single day. Now, that doesn’t mean I spend three hours each day trying to do something amazing; some days I only had a few minutes here and there, but I’d try to sketch something rough, something loose, maybe just a doodle. Maybe it’s a face one day, maybe it’s just a bunch of swirls and stars the next. It doesn’t matter what you draw, as long as you are developing the habit of drawing! No matter what it is you are doing, you’re learning! Playing with brushes to see how they feel on your new drawing program? Learning! Trying to see if one way of colouring is better than another? Learning! Drawing the same nose over and over and over again until you like what you see? Also learning!

Another key step to learning to draw is to identify what you like!

What does that mean? Well, look at other artists who inspire you! Why does their work appeal to you? What is it about their drawings that you LOVE? Once you realize what it is that makes something beautiful to you, you know what to practice and how to learn to adopt that into your own style!

@burdge is an excellent example for illustrating this. They are a fandom artist that has been around for so long, nearly every fandom artist I know has been inspired by them in one way or another!

So what is it about Burdge’s art that I love? I love the closeness that’s portrayed, and the softness. But those are very arbitrary things that are difficult to identify and even more challenging to implement. I love the noses. I love the proportions. I love the hairlines! I love the body movement! Those are things that are a bit easier to pick out and start practicing!

This leads so well into my next point:

It is okay to copy someone else’s work if it’s for practice!

Let’s break this one down, just to ensure that nobody accidentally misinterprets what I’m saying: It is okay to copy someone else’s work if it’s for practice. It is NOT okay to copy someone else’s work and post it, claiming it as your own! If you use a reference picture, generally speaking, most artists will post which reference they use, but I know that I often forget to do that as well! But using a reference picture is different than copying. 

When you copy someone’s work, what you’re really doing is working on identifying what you love about it. You’re practicing drawing in their style! And that’s totally fine! When you’re first starting out, it’s actually really helpful to be able to use someone else’ expertise and practice to guide you to draw something you love! A lot of people have it in their heads that copying = bad. And sometimes it does. But I think it’s important for new artists to get rid of that notion in their heads. Practice is practice. When you practice cooking, you copy other people’s recipes! You’re not going to post those recipes online and say you created them, but you CAN feed them to your friends and you CAN eat them yourself! And if you do post pictures of your food? You can say whose recipe you used and thank them for a great meal! 

We were all starting at one point, and every artist I know started by copying something. 

Use reference pictures! Use them liberally! References are helpful!

Yes, some artists are so good that they do not need reference pictures. That’s fine. Good for them! I’m very proud of them!

When you’re first starting out, you don’t have to worry about that! Don’t get into your own head and tell yourself “Real artists do XYZ, blah blah blah, etc.” None of that is helpful. Use whatever is available to help you improve!

Now the question is what actually makes good reference pictures? Well, everyone uses something a little different. Some people use faces of famous actors, some people use stock photos, some people use other people’s drawings that are specifically made for references! 

What do I do? I save every single photo I come across that inspires me into a folder. I have tons of folders labeled “Reference: Pose” or “Reference: Remus” or “Reference: Gay”. (That one is smut references. :3 )

I use blogs like @posereference and @fantasyartistreference, which I follow on here! I’ve gone through their content and saved photos that I think will inspire me in the future. Sometimes I don’t do anything with them. Sometimes I use them! 

I also take advantage of stock photos. That includes ones that adobe puts onto the internet as well as ones that other artists put! Senshi Stock on Deviant art is an excellent resource that has made a TON of photos available to artists to use for FREE! 

Google is also my friend! I like to google terms like “Couple Pose Reference” or “Couple Kissing”. If you include search terms like “pose reference” you often find that you get things specifically created for artists to use to help with poses!

Look at all the helpful poses! 

Now, this leads us to my next point:

How to use reference images

Everyone does this part differently, too! I’m going to show a few different examples. Let’s use this amazing reference sheet by @kibbi as our example!

Some people like to have their reference photo beside their drawing space, to use for them to look at, simply as a guide:

Some people like to have their pose reference in a layer beneath their actual drawing on a lower opacity so that they can trace right over it:

Often times, what you end up doing is using your traced sketch as your base for your drawing, with your actual drawing over top of it. Essentially, you’re using this time to identify what you DO like about the reference pose and what you DON’T like about it, and changing it!

See how different it’s looking already? I put my own style over top of it, but I used the pose as a reference because I really liked it!

((EDIT: I JUST REALIZED THAT I GAVE SIRIUS THREE ARMS. I AM SO SORRY, GUYS!!!!))

Side by side comparison for the curious:

Eventually, a time will come where you can do simple poses like this without the use of a reference. That’s amazing! You will be so proud of yourself! But if you still need to use references for complicated poses or foreshortening, remember not to beat yourself up about it. It is OKAY to use reference poses, and it is OKAY to take advantage of resources that are available to you! Just try to remember to cite your sources, just like we all did in school! :P

Practice Anatomy

Try doing things like figure drawing! Use sites like Quick Poses to give yourself a timed figure drawing session, if you’re up for it! The more you practice bodies and anatomy, the better you will get at drawing them! Don’t focus too much on anything being perfect; remember to say loose and just aim for general shapes and general proportions.

This isn’t the greatest example, because I didn’t do any dynamic poses, but here are some rough figure sketches:

See how loose I was? See how little I cared about it looking nice? That’s the best way to start a sketch! Just with loose scribbles!

The same thing can apply to faces:

Learn the rules, and then learn when to break them!

Just like writing, where you have “rules” for writing an essay, in drawing, you have rules for anatomy! But… I don’t always love to follow those rules. It’s important to understand human anatomy (if you plan to draw humans), and then figure out where you want things to be exaggerated in order to create your own style! Here’s an example:

The same rules apply to musculature! It’s important to understand what muscles go where and how they move in order to properly draw them consistently! However! That is something a bit more complicated that we can go into another time! I don’t think that would be included in my simple break-down of drawing!

And… last but not least…

Have fun!

You’d think this one would go without saying, but I’m going to specify it anyway. If you are NO LONGER enjoying drawing what you’re drawing, STOP. Don’t just draw humans because I told you to practice anatomy! If you’re not having fun, you’re going to grow to resent it, and we don’t want that! Draw whatever it is that you want! If you want to draw the same two men hugging over and over and over and over and over (Case in point: my entire blog), you do that! Ignore everything I said about knowing anatomy and about reference pictures and about anything! Just do exactly what makes you happy, nothing more and nothing less. Practicing should be fun, and the moment it’s no longer fun, you’ll begin to lose your passion. So… move on to something else that’s fun! Tired of drawing Wolfstar? (Pfff, that’s impossible, but okay). Move on to Drarry! Or to Linny! Or to a different fandom! Or to flowers! Or to still life! Or to whatever you think will bring back that spark!

Because that’s what drawing is all about. It’s just another form of expression and another way to have fun!

ANYWAY! I know this was SUPER long! I hope it was at least somewhat helpful! I’m not an expert, not by any means, but I enjoy doing this, and I am still working on improving! If anyone has any more questions, shoot me a message!

[seyaryminamoto]

Matching Heartbeats: Sokkla Saturdays 2020

Day 4: Lost in a Forest and Feelings

On FF.net//On AO3

Trudging through the thick trees, staring at that broad, strong back, Azula couldn't quite keep at bay her suspicions that, regardless of her stubborn companion's claims of the opposite, they were lost in the woods, with no salvation in sight.

He wasn't a woodlands savage, she'd told him, he was a snow savage: she'd believe him if he said they weren't lost while they traversed a large, frozen continent, but she wouldn't quite be so lenient if he said the same while in a forest, of all places. And of course, there was no chance they'd find his missing sword in a large, frozen continent unless someone had already retrieved it from these woods and taken it there, for whatever reason.

Not for the first time, she asked herself why she had bothered coming along for what everyone, even her brother, had deemed a pointless, doomed enterprise. Guilty as she appeared to feel about the matter, Toph had been far too busy with her budding police department in Republic City to join Sokka's quest. Aang was ever ferried from one end of the world to the next by his Avatar duties, and Katara had to cover for him in the city while he was gone: Zuko, of course, was the Fire Lord, and there was no chance he'd take any sorts of flights of fancy and disregard his duty to his nation just on a personal trip that might yield no results… well, that is, if the trip was for a friend's sake rather than his own, Azula had interjected, and her reminder of how he had been perfectly willing to leave their nation in their uncle's most undependable hands while they searched for their mother had been as unwelcome as she could have expected.

All in all, she had meant to offer some moral support to the tall Water Tribe man by cutting down Zuko's excuses and dismissive attitude towards Sokka's plight… but nothing she said seemed to work. Sokka kept looking at her with those dead-like eyes that only convinced her that she wanted to be dead, too. She wondered, truly, if he was different while she wasn't around. If he was happier, cheerful, relaxed… rather than miserable, awkward and tense. If so… why had she even bothered coming along for this trip? Was it merely pity over how he'd sworn he'd go alone if no one wanted to give him a hand? If so, it was no true wonder he had been so aloof and irritated so far, for no man as proud as him would ever accept pity and charity without consequence.

Yet she had decided to come along indeed. And now, it seemed, she reaped what she had sowed, in more ways than she had expected to: it wasn't merely that she was uncomfortable about hiking through nature this far from civilization – she found herself missing the train-tank, with which she had traversed large territories of the Earth Kingdom in the past without the slightest inconvenience –, but Sokka wouldn't travel on the vehicle, not when their mission was explicitly about rummaging throughout Wulong Forest until they finally came across his beloved Space Sword.

Her strained muscles had seen plenty of exercise over the ten years that had passed since the end of the war, but not quite in this manner: she forced herself to walk behind him, keeping up with his pace as best she could, until at last that strong back, that at this point was nearly a beacon in the darkening forest, slowed to a halt as Sokka assessed his surroundings in a clearing within the woods. Azula damn near bumped into him, but she managed to stop right behind him anyway.

"Seems like a good place to camp for the night," he announced. "It's getting too dark to keep going anyhow."

"Just how much further are we supposed to go, anyway?" Azula asked, as Sokka approached the larger tree in the clearing, setting down his bags at its foot. "Have you narrowed down the searching area at all, or are we merely going blind all across Wulong Forest…?"

"I've narrowed some of it down, yeah," Sokka huffed, opening his pack to show her a map he had brought with him. "We'll search thoroughly throughout the area once we get there. But we're still too far north to be near Space Sword's location."

"Of course," Azula sighed, setting down her own bags next to his. "You do realize this might be a longer venture than you hoped?"

"Why would it be? Your brains and mine, together? Who's ever going to stop us, huh?" Sokka said, though there was no humor in his tone upon uttering those questions.

Azula tensed up beside him as he rose fully to his feet, rubbing the back of his neck with one hand. What was he thinking? Why had he spoken as he had just now? Yes, it was a certainty that they were smarter than most people, and joining forces might just be enough for them to find his sword… but it didn't seem he was all that pleased for it anyway. She let herself wonder, briefly, if he wished they wouldn't find the sword all that fast so they could spend more time together… did he begrudge their intelligence for such a fickle reason?

Oh, what nonsense. Of course that wasn't it. She was a fool to so much as indulge in such a possibility.

"I think I see some water beyond these trees," Sokka said, gesturing at the cluster of vegetation behind the tree they had stopped at. "Could be we can wash up there. It's one of the reasons I thought we should slow down here for the night…"

"Ah. So, we truly aren't lost in this forest, are we?" Azula asked. Sokka tensed up. "You knew there was a river up there?"

"Uh… well, I didn't know, I just decided we'd stop at the first place with water we came across once it was sunset," he said. Azula huffed.

"So we are lost."

"I didn't say that!" he squeaked.

Despite herself, Azula smiled. Eliciting such silly reactions from him was strange, but very welcome. It almost felt as though she hadn't pushed him away when she had… as though things could go back to the way they once had been.

"Ugh, anyway, you can go clean up if you want, I know all that dirt and sweat must make you uncomfortable," Sokka said, waving a hand towards her. "I'll set up my tent in the meantime. If you need help with yours, I can give you a hand after I clean up too…"

"Why would I need help?" Azula said, raising her eyebrows dismissively. "I'm perfectly capable of assembling a tent by myself."

"I didn't say you weren't," Sokka raised his hands defensively before starting to rummage through his bag for the implements he'd need for his tent.

His tone was disappointingly non-confrontational. Just after giving her hope, he took it away: she had expected a whole throwdown about how there was nothing wrong with asking people for help, or how he was sure she was a pampered princess who had never had to do anything mundane for herself… but nothing. He had shut down yet another possible conversation, and she was left high and dry, waiting for nothing.

"If that's how it is, then… yes, I'll go clean up," Azula declared, attempting to hide how disappointing his response had been. "Make sure not to peek, alright?"

"Nothing new under the sun there, is there?" Sokka said. Azula froze. "You have nothing to worry about, I won't do that, I'll only go after you're finished. Ten minutes will probably be enough."

"You know just how long I spend bathing, then?" Azula nearly hissed by now. Sokka shrugged.

"I remember, is all," he said. "Ten minutes might even be too much in these circumstances, I'd say…"

"I'll take as long as I please, thank you very much," Azula scowled, searching her own bags for a change of clothes. Suddenly, the last thing she wanted was to hold a conversation despite having spent the whole day fishing for one.

"I'll go after I'm finished setting up my tent, then," Sokka said. "And if you're not out yet, don't worry. I'm not going to look anyway."

She snapped her tongue before storming off without another word. Well, that was his loss, if so.

The words rang hollow in her mind as she walked thoughtlessly towards the water source… a lake, not a river, as she discovered upon reaching it. She wasted little time disrobing, despite she was far from accustomed to loosening her clothing in the middle of nature as she just had. But with a mind as troubled as hers, sometimes even the notions of dignity and pride went forgotten once she had something else to worry about.

No, truthfully, it wasn't his loss. It never had been his loss. He was as good as the perfect guy, without embodying some impossible, unreasonable ideal: Sokka had been kind, thoughtful, intelligent, unyielding… he was the perfect rival for her many instincts and impulses. Just so, each of those factors drew her to him in ways they shouldn't have… but the one thing that drew her most was his honesty. So many people were capable of lying to her face, they'd done it for years, without her awareness… others lied far less effectively, pretending to care about her, but she could tell, by their actions, by their behavior, that they were merely telling themselves as much, to chase away their own guilt about having abandoned her when she had needed them most. She couldn't trust anyone, that was what she'd told herself…

And yet, against all common sense, she had grown to trust him. Upon scheming a mischievous prank to torment her brother – her special kind of birthday present, as she'd thought of it at the time –, she found her plan had overlapped with his: in the end, they joined forces and Zuko had quite an unforgettable day chasing off turtle ducks in the Palace, and tripping over the droppings they had left all over the place while panicking while attempting to find their way out of the building. From that day forward, they had been allies, messing with their friends and family whenever the chance arose, not realizing they were drifting together in more ways than they'd originally planned…

She never did expect to wake up in his bed one day, and she suspected he never expected that, either. She kept her distance for a few days afterwards, and he didn't complain… which bothered her, of course. Upon cornering him for answers, he admitted he wouldn't push her for more than they'd had, considering she ran away from his bedroom even before he woke up. He had assumed it was a one-night-stand for her… and he had teasingly remarked that he wouldn't mind if she decided to make it a two-night-stand instead.

That number, of course, only continued to increase upon each of their encounters. Every time he paid a visit to the Fire Nation, on any official business, she'd find a chance to sneak into his room, or to drag him into hers, and they would both be in the highest spirits on the next day, trading silent smirks whenever they crossed paths again. For a time, Azula had thought this was the greatest of all pranks they had pulled so far, for her whole family, and his, would be so appalled to discover what they'd been up to in secret…

… Until one night, as he laid in bed behind her, arms wrapped around her waist, he had uttered words that shattered her whole world in a single instant:

"I love you."

She thought to pretend she was asleep, though her eyes were still open, and she knew he could see it. He sensed her breath hitching too, her heartbeats picking up speed… there was no way she could pretend she hadn't heard him. And yet, as he nestled behind her, fingers caressing her hair, she couldn't bring herself to answer. She couldn't say the words that were crossing her mind… because there was only one word, truthfully. And that word was simply: why?

Why would he love her? Why would he admit that he loved her? Why would he even think it was a good idea to say such words to her? Why on earth had he decided to say it right then and there? Why, why, why…?

And yet she knew she couldn't say any of what she was thinking. She didn't dare. She didn't truly want to hear his answers to those questions.

For he was honest, yes, that was the first thing she had known she liked about him. He wasn't the type to lie, whether to spare her feelings or his own. He hadn't said those words on a whim: he had likely carried them inside him for ages, blurting them out as he had, unthinking, because he couldn't contain the emotions anymore. And yet… she couldn't accept it. She simply couldn't accept it.

Instead of lying quietly there, of staying put in his bed, silently enduring the panic attack his words had triggered in her, she sat up and left. She avoided him for the rest of his visit, pointedly… and she didn't even say goodbye, when he finally left.

She needed time. That was it, she guessed: time to process his affections, time to understand how on earth he had ever reached such levels of devotion towards her. And she should have simply told him that, right? And yet how on earth does someone answer an "I love you" with "Give me time to think about it"? She didn't dare do that. And yet perhaps, if she had dared, he wouldn't have been hurt. It was almost a whole year before he returned to the Fire Nation again, and when he did, he scarcely spared her a few glances. She had sent him no letters while he was away, and he had sent her none either. Was he confused? Was he angry? Was he depressed? She couldn't tell anymore. All she could tell, however, was that he seemed to have decided he wouldn't dwell on the past anymore, and he wouldn't indulge in any hopes that something genuine could come from their casual relationship.

She had tried to interpret that as a sign to move on and forget about him. Perhaps he truly hadn't loved her at all – not that she had truly believed he could have loved her, she believed he THOUGHT he did, but she was quite certain that was, all in all, implausible on every possible level. So she had decided to shake it all off, to continue with her life… and yet it wasn't easy to do so. They had met a few more times since then, and every cold shoulder, every dismissive word, every plain interaction between them, with no hint of the old affection he used to line his words with, had felt like a frozen dagger digging deeper through her heart.

And that was, ultimately, why she had offered to travel with him to retrieve his sword. It was a strange way to attempt to mend fences, she knew… but she hadn't known what else to do to stop the pain she felt when she saw him. She hadn't known how else to tear down the walls that he had built between them… walls she had as good as asked him to build, in the first place.

Suffice to say, it wasn't going as she had planned, not in the least. She had hoped to entice him, perhaps… but he seemed to be completely invulnerable to her charms by now. He knew all her tricks, and was utterly unwilling to fall for any of them. Had she really pushed him away that hard, that violently…? Or was it, perhaps, that he had already found someone else? Maybe that was it, and she was wasting her time here…

"If so, why isn't he here with his new girlfriend instead of me?" Azula reasoned out loud, just before dipping one toe in what turned out to be a near-freezing lake. She snarled before raising her hands, quickly warming the water with her bending.

She managed to warm the water she would use, spreading the heat through the small lake until she found a comfortable enough spot, with her torso still above water. He wasn't wrong, she didn't quite enjoy all the dirt that clung to her after their whole day of hiking in this forest from the city of Garsai… but that he dared even comment on how long she usually bathed had surprised her. It was the first time he had acknowledged their relationship in any way, if just by admitting he knew Azula a little more intimately than anyone else was aware. Fool that she was, she had wistfully wondered if perhaps it meant he wasn't that unwilling to return to what they'd had… then he had shut everything down all the same, no thanks to her foolish responses.

She had no patience for these matters. She was far from the most sociable person there was, to begin with, and she was more than a bit tired of chasing after him, when every passing day further convinced her that he wanted nothing from her anymore. It was outrageous, though, wasn't it? If he truly had loved her at all, which no, she didn't think he had, why would he begrudge her for not saying the daft words right back at him? She was far from a connoisseur on the matter, but conditioned love didn't appear to be true love at all. Her relationship with her father was supposed to be the clearest example of that, or so every damn expert at that wretched asylum had insisted on drilling into her head until she had begrudgingly accepted it as a reality.

So, as far as she could tell, he was a selfish hypocrite, and he was trying to guilt her into loving him. Ha! That was utterly stupid, and he was playing a losing game, if so. He prized honesty as much as he did, didn't he? Why would she bother lying to his face to make him feel better? He would know it was a lie immediately, so he'd only grow more frustrated with her if she played the mild-mannered, sweet girl who could become a housewife and live happily that way, if only to spare his thrice-accursed feelings…

Caught in her thoughts, she often forgot to warm the water again, and in the process of overthinking and warming the water, she had damn near forgotten, too, what she was supposed to be doing in this damn lake in the first place. She returned to shore, gathered some soap, and traversed the lake to the spot she had liked once again… only to hear rustling of tree leaves that indicated someone was approaching.

She almost wished it were a wild animal, then she could have merely set it ablaze and been done with it… but upon quickly turning her head around, she found, of course, that it was him. Sokka glanced at her but raised his hands defensively before turning around. Azula gritted her teeth and tore her eyes away from him too, knowing he was disrobing… knowing she wanted to see it happen, too. Curse him for being such a sensitive idiot…

Or was she the sensitive idiot, instead? She hadn't known for sure who was at fault back then, and she didn't have any clarity on the matter now, either.

She heard him slipping inside the water, and she only endeavored to continue rubbing the soap over her arms and torso, pointedly ignoring the urge to glance at the body she had grown used to caressing and gazing upon for as long as their dalliance had lasted… just how long had it been, really? She barely knew anymore. A little more than a year, maybe? Who the hell said "I love you" within less than a year of secretly dating someone, if what they were doing could amount to dating?

Ugh, well, how was she supposed to know that, truly? Mai had outright spat to her face that she loved Zuko more than she feared Azula, and those two had only been together for months at the time… had she told Zuko she loved him, directly, by then? Maybe she had. Such nonsense…

"You sure take your time bathing out in nature, huh?" he said suddenly, startling her. "Didn't take you for the type to be that bold when the whole world could see you…"

"Bold? Hardly," Azula rebuffed, and she chided her own heart for beating that fast upon being addressed by him again. What nonsense was that, too? "I'm taking my time because we were quite filthy after a whole day of hiking, don't you think?"

"Fair enough… though the water's colder than I'd think you'd be comfortable with," he said. "Though… heh. You're warming it up, aren't you?"

"Sharp as ever, I see," Azula said, rinsing off the soap already. Sokka chuckled.

"And you're either being sarcastic, which is just like you, or you're being flattering, which… is new. Just as taking baths that last longer than ten minutes would be new for you."

"You're awfully hung on that matter, aren't you?" Azula asked, rolling her eyes. "I'm pretty sure I've taken longer baths than that…"

"Sure you did. When you took them with me."

His words froze her anew. Again, that stupid, weaseling hope, needling through her body like a snake, seeking to dig its fangs into her damn heart… poisoned fangs, as far as she could tell. He had to stop it. He really did. At this rate they'd end up having the argument of the century, and she wasn't sure she cared to endure that, not when she was miles away from civilization with only him for company…

She'd tell him not to do that anymore, then. She would. She wasn't sure their conversation wouldn't escalate into an argument even if she said so, but if she spoke earnestly, surely he'd back off…?

She turned her head towards him, finding he stood about fifteen feet away from her. Again, that strong, muscular back was the sight that greeted her, and oh, what a sight it was…

But before she could utter a single word, a most unwanted, unfamiliar and distressing sensation on her arm stopped her from speaking.

She had no idea what it was at first, but it was uncomfortable from the first instant: something had latched onto her skin, tugging at it, as though sucking it… and her immediate instinct was to trash the affected arm into the water, instinctively panicking and seeking to get rid of whatever this strange offender was.

Only upon shaking her arm did she identify whatever clung to her arm as a purple, round being… a living being: there was an animal stuck to her arm.

"What's…?! Oh, no, no, get off me!"

She pushed it, smacked it, attempted to force it to loosen its grip on her skin, and yet it seemed her every violent reaction only compelled it to cling tighter. Curses, was it some sort of leech? Was it clinging to her now, only to stick some poisonous, murderous sting into her body…? Her eyes widened at the possibility, and she slammed it harder into the water, to no results.

"Go away, go away, you stupid, damned…!"

"Woah, Azula, what's going on?" Sokka called to her. Her first shouts had been alarming enough, but he had briefly taken her silence to mean she had dealt with the problem… apparently not, though.

"It's nothing, it's…! Shit, what is this?! Get off me, damn it, go away already!"

"Ugh, okay, you know what? I'm sorry. I don't know what's going on, and I think I need to," Sokka sighed, turning towards her. "I promise I'm not doing this to peek, just to help…!"

"W-well then, help! Find your damn sword and slice this wretched thing off me!" Azula almost shrieked, turning towards him and gesturing at him with her afflicted arm.

Yet to her surprise, there was no sign of urgency in Sokka's face when he identified the creature on Azula's arm. She damn near snapped at him for being so nonchalant when, for all she knew, her very life could be in danger… yet he surprised her by wading towards her and reaching for the creature.

"What are you…?" she asked, nervously, until her nervousness was replaced by sheer outrage… when Sokka scratched the strange, purple being's head. "Are you kidding me?! What are you doing?! Do you hate me so much you're congratulating the damn thing for…?!"

Sokka's deadpan stare didn't change in the least when the creature's five, flat tentacles released Azula suddenly. Her eyes widened as she stared at it, and Sokka snatched the creature off her body, showing it to her deliberately.

"This, Princess, is a pentapus," he stated. "And that's how you get rid of them. It's as simple as that."

Oh, to hell with it. Her outburst had been more than unwarranted, if the solution was truly that easy… and now she felt utterly idiotic for it, which she had no doubt her blush was transmitting to Sokka. She didn't even dare meet his eyes… hence, she was surprised upon hearing him laugh softly.

"Don't feel that bad, Azula. I reacted the same way when they stuck to me the first time, too," he said. "And it was way worse than this, if I may…"

"Worse?" Azula repeated. Sokka nodded solemnly.

"You know, a story worthy of a savage like me, of the sorts you love to make fun of me for," Sokka grinned. She had dared gaze up at him, and that he'd smile genuinely at her was… well, not unpleasant. For once. "It happened… in a sewer, of all places."

"In a… a sewer?" Azula asked, grimacing as Sokka chuckled, shaking his head.

"My dear sister and her beloved Avatar… those two jerks took to diverting the waste off themselves with their bending. And who's the guy who couldn't possibly get away with doing the same thing? That's right, the stellar non-bender who took all that… literal shit, straight to the face, in many cases."

"That's… ugh, that's so gross, Sokka!" Azula exclaimed, horrified as he laughed carelessly.

"It's okay, I've cleaned up many times since then, you don't have to worry that the gross waste still clings to me somehow…" he smiled. "Took me about ten rounds of proper soap as soon as I had a chance to clean up to get rid of the stench, but it worked in the end. No need to be too grossed out anymore."

"I only hope now that your creepy story is no sign of… well, of this lake being less pure than we expected it to be," Azula said, eyeing the waters warily. Sokka chuckled and shook his head.

"It's a bit too dark already to tell, but hey, this place is in the middle of a forest and it doesn't reek of waste… so it might not be that bad, huh?"

Azula gazed at him wistfully, at that smile… it was charming, she knew that from the start. She liked him well enough serious and brooding, there was more than enough charm in that too… but that smile. The chance to make him happy, even if just by being foolish, careless and clumsy, was a surprising blessing… one that now soothed her heart despite she had been troubled and anguished mere moments before he entered the water too. To think such a small, simple creature could have served as a harbinger of harmony between them… though, again, she shouldn't get her hopes up. That wouldn't be a good idea, no matter what…

"You're all done washing now, though?" Sokka asked. Azula snapped back to her senses upon those words. "If so…"

"I'll go fix my tent, yeah," Azula said, though Sokka bit his lip.

"I was actually going to ask if… if you could do me a favor," he blurted out. Azula frowned.

"A favor?" she asked.

"Well… the water's kind of chilly," he smiled awkwardly. "Can you, maybe, warm it up a little further? I mean, I would've asked all along if I'd thought we could just bathe at the same time without consequence, but I figured you wouldn't want that, so…"

"I wouldn't want that…?" she asked again. Sokka shrugged.

"You did tell me not to peek," he said. "I said there was likely nothing new for me to see, but if you didn't want me looking at you, I wasn't going to bother you…"

"That's… that's what you meant?" Azula asked, surprised. Sokka nodded.

"Why? What else did you think I meant?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

Azula opened her mouth to speak, but said nothing. She was such an idiot when it came to this sort of thing, oh, she really was, and yet… how to speak at all? How to tell him that she kept saying things she didn't mean only to elicit reactions from people? But where she had once been able to read him like a book, now he was undecipherable to her…

The silence between them continued… until suddenly Sokka flinched, turning his head, hopelessly glancing at his back.

"Uh… crap. Oh crap. Azula? Is there a pentapus on my back too?" he asked, spinning in circles as he struggled to glimpse the creature. Azula blinked blankly before shaking her head rapidly.

"S-stop moving around, I can't get it if there is one!" she said, grabbing his flanks to stop him… and trying not to think of the implications of touching him. No, that was best stashed on her mind for later.

The pentapus was on his lower back: she nudged it with her finger at first, sighing before settling for caressing it properly instead… and then she felt another set of such tentacles around her ankle. Startled, she fell into the water when she lost balance, and that could only be bad news for her…

Sokka clasped her wrist and pulled her to him: their bodies slapped together, not with the erotic intent with which they had been in contact in the past, especially while naked. And while the thought crossed Azula's mind, it was but a fleeting thought nonetheless: Sokka's hands relocated to her shoulders, though he kept her close all the same.

"Did another one get you?" he asked. Azula grimaced and nodded.

"It's on my ankle," she said. Sokka huffed.

"Maybe we should just get out of the water, get rid of them on land," he suggested, before flinching. "Ack, another on the back of my knee and… woah, that's dirty! It's on my asscheek!"

Despite her own discomfort, that final claim of Sokka's caused Azula to burst into laughter as they stumbled towards the lake's shore together, squirming at the discomfort of the tentacles that stuck to their bodies, and wincing every time a new one caught either of their legs.

"Okay, okay! We're going to get rid of them all, one by one!" Sokka squeaked, once they reached the shore indeed: Azula had two more in one calf, and she grimaced while raising her leg, but Sokka pulled it towards him without even asking: he rubbed the two small pentapi until they detached, and then he cast them powerfully towards the lake, prompting Azula to chuckle at his powerful heave. "That's what you get! You can't touch a lady without permission, damn pentapus!"

"You didn't exactly ask for permission either, did you?" she smiled. Sokka blinked blankly and smiled guiltily at her.

"I figured, since it's an emergency…?"

That Azula was amused by the situation seemed to have defused some of their lingering tension: she reached for the pentapus that clung to his rear, and Sokka grimaced as Azula succeeded at pulling it off his body. He continued working with hers too, ridding her of the pentapus on her ankle, and Azula did away with the one behind the knee he couldn't flex anymore because of it. It was a gradual process, and one that forced them to reacquaint with each other's body in a less intimate manner than intended… and yet it felt intimate in its own way too.

"Is that all of them?" Sokka asked her, after removing the final one that had latched to her upper thigh. "None got your ass, did they?"

"You'd rather they had?" Azula asked, amused.

"I didn't say that, but… I wouldn't have minded too much, is all," Sokka smirked a little, more shameless than he had allowed himself to be for a long time.

"How about you?" Azula asked, biting her lip as she gazed upon his body, trying to focus on the task at hand, on the many strings of concentric red dots over his skin now, especially in his lower body's area. "Anything I missed?"

"I think not?" Sokka said, glancing about himself with uncertainty. "Though now we look like we've got pentapox, heh. Did I ever tell you about that? How we got all the people out of Omashu…?"

"You… didn't tell me, no," Azula said, staring at him keenly through narrow eyes. Sokka chuckled and shrugged.

"I got the idea of using a fake disease to pretend there was an outbreak in the city," he said. "It happened after the pentapi got me in the sewers, the Fire Nation soldiers thought who caught us in the city thought I was sick, Katara told them I had pentapox, and they panicked… and then, when we met up with Bumi's resistance, they had no idea how to get out of the city and I suggested they used pentapox as an excuse: the soldiers panicked about the outbreak and let everyone go, and they were free from Fire Nation tyranny for it."

"You… are either an idiot or a genius," Azula said, smiling and shaking her head. Sokka huffed, raising his head haughtily.

"Wrong, Princess, for if other people's perception of me is to be accounted for, I'm actually both things at the same time," he declared, prompting her to laugh, despite herself.

"I gave Ukano such a hard time for that foolishness," Azula acknowledged. "Now I can see I was right to do so: pentapox, seriously?"

"Hey, fooled your people, even if it didn't fool you," Sokka smiled. "For an idiot, I'm not really that stupid, am I?"

"No, I guess you're not," Azula admitted.

Her smile was far more affectionate than she intended for it to be, and yet she didn't contain it. She didn't restrain herself. The very chance to swap stories with him, to talk at leisure, to smile and laugh… how she had missed that.

Oh, she had missed him, terribly so. It wasn't something she could deny to herself any longer.

"Don't feel bad, though, Princess," Sokka smiled. "The suction dots fade away after a while. Kind of like a hickey does."

"Heh. Those didn't fade away all that quickly, as far as I recall," Azula said, raising her eyebrows. Sokka chuckled and shrugged.

"Guess not all of them would, no," he admitted. "But you know, these are way smaller, and most are on our lower bodies, so it's not like there's going to be much to worry about. Unless, I don't know, you had a gig modeling naked for some sculptor within the next, what, ten-to-twelve hours…?"

"If I did have one, and you'd pulled this on me, I'd make you pay for this humiliation for as long as we lived," Azula assured him. Sokka grinned too honestly, closing his eyes and shaking his head.

"Fine, then. No trips to weird lakes with Azula right before she has an appointment with the royal sculptor," he decided.

It was so natural, so easy… she almost felt like sitting at the edge of the lake with him, and merely talking for as many hours as they'd had failed to talk throughout their journey so far. Though she also felt like doing something else, as she allowed her eyes to gaze at his still-glistening skin… at the body she had grown so accustomed to once, and that she had deprived herself from, by her own foolish mistakes. Suddenly, all the bad blood seemed to be irrelevant, and she wanted nothing but to touch him, and not merely just to rid him of another pentapus anymore…

"Here I thought I wasn't allowed to peek… yet you're checking me out, Princess?"

She froze, shooting a glare at him as he smirked in her direction. Azula rolled her eyes at his reaction, though she smiled before long.

"Fine. What's fair is fair. You're free to ogle me if you so wish."

"Ah, thanks for allowing it. I mean, I already had looked at everything I wanted to look at, but knowing you allow it does lighten my heart's load…"

"You're the worst," Azula smiled, glancing at him again as Sokka chuckled. "Here I thought you weren't stealing any glances at me, that all this pentapus business was very professional…"

"It was, Princess, of course it was. If I'd broken protocol, you'd be moaning your lungs out by now," he said, nonchalantly. Azula gasped, and he smirked proudly.

"And what makes you think I would've allowed you to get away with that?" she asked.

"That you were checking me out just now, of course," he determined.

"Heh. And what convinces you that it'd be me moaning instead of you?" Azula huffed. Sokka raised his eyebrows and smiled at her, biting his lip playfully.

"Then… you want to make me moan as badly as I want to make you moan?" he asked. Her cheeks flushed violently. "Are we going to play it fair that way, too? A glance for a glance, a touch for a touch, a kiss for a kiss…?"

"Who said anything about kisses?" Azula whispered, though her eyes didn't leave Sokka's: she offered him a challenge, and the Sokka she had always known had been unable to resist one… she only hoped he'd be just as unwilling to hold back this time as he ever had been in the past.

"I just did, didn't you hear me?" He smiled as he leaned closer to her: Azula's heart raced gaster still. "Because something tells me you wouldn't mind it if I kissed your pentapox marks better…"

"There's no such thing as pentapox," Azula retorted. Sokka smirked.

"Funny thing to focus on, when I just said I wanted to kiss your legs all over," he said. Azula shivered visibly, breaking their eye contact by drawing her eyes down, almost bashfully.

It was not too surprising that she'd be that flustered, though it disappointed Sokka to a fault, all the same. Back in the day, she would have merely responded with her own crude remarks until they wound up in bed, thrusting wildly at each other. Now, though… she hesitated. Just as she had run away that night. It was no surprise, not really…

"Just the legs?"

Her question threw him off, just as he had been about to make up his mind to stand up and return to their campsite, once he told her not to make much of their flirty teasing. He blinked blankly, as Azula raised her face again, with fierce determination.

"You just said… what, now?" he blurted out.

"Didn't you hear me?" Azula said, despite her voice trembled. "Is it just the legs you'd kiss… snow savage?"

A title that had started as a mere jest at his expenses had eventually gained another meaning, after their third opportunity to sleep together: she had determined the true reason Water Tribe people were thought to be savages wasn't that their civilization was underdeveloped… but rather, that their erotic inclinations were so wild and unrestrained they stood out from the rest. She couldn't speak for a whole culture, of course not… but she could certainly speak for Sokka's skills. And after making such surprisingly flattering claims, Sokka had pinned her to the bed and proven himself a savage more proudly than ever before – and Azula had some trouble walking the next day because of it.

She had called him a snow savage before in their journey: had it been to evoke that night, or had it been, again, just a jest? All possibilities were on the table when it came to Azula. Yet right now he couldn't possibly doubt what she was suggesting… he couldn't second-guess it. He knew he wasn't getting a better deal than this one, and he had been too selfless as it was: he couldn't resist her, let alone her striking, gorgeous body, for another moment.

Sokka's hand shot to the back of her head, and when he pulled her closer to press his lips to hers, he found her own hands had clasped his neck: so violently they joined that their teeth crashed, and yet they didn't stop because of it. They had wasted too much time, worried about too much nonsense… it was enough by now. There was but one solution for their predicament, and the best prelude for it was heated, savage sex of the sort they had enjoyed before their relationship had fallen to shambles.

His arms surrounded her waist, compelling her to wrap her legs around his body: he rose to his feet, fearing he'd lose balance, but he remained determined to kiss her deeper and longer. Azula's heart raced ferociously, her fingers tight around his smooth hair locks as every familiar, blissful sensation he elicited in her body tore through her very soul. He wasn't kissing her halfheartedly, as he might have if he no longer cared… as he might have, if he no longer loved her. Then… he had distanced himself from her because he had believed, again, that that was what she had wanted? He hadn't chased after her… because he had taken her behavior as rejection, rather than an invitation to try harder? He had given her space, assuming she needed it, taking for granted that she didn't love him back…

He was kissing her wildly, walking naked through a forest with her, despite he probably thought she didn't love him back.

And now her heart ached, even if she didn't know why. She couldn't understand it, try as though she might. He interrupted their kiss briefly, only to ensure he was on the right track towards the tent he had pitched, and he stole a few more kisses from her lips before reaching their destination: tugging the flap aside, he knelt before the entrance, setting Azula down atop the sleeping bag. He kicked the tent's flap closed clumsily, and quickly returned to worshipping her body, his full weight crushing her delightfully.

He certainly hadn't expected her to return his passion as she did: even now her legs seemed unwilling to let go of him, and her long nails dug into his skin, proving she had wanted this desperately. He had found it odd that she would tag along for a trip with him, eventually he took for granted that she only wanted to torment him, and relish in a rare chance to leave the Fire Nation Palace, seeing as Zuko scarcely ever let her set foot outside it, let alone outside her nation… but if she had merely wanted to escape, using him as a stepping stone for it, she wouldn't have stayed with him once they reached the Earth Kingdom. He had half-expected to wake up and discover his traveling companion was gone, on the previous night, which they'd spent in a modest inn at Garsai… but she was still there. Then, he had expected her to take off through the forest, leaving him to his own devices… and again, she didn't do that. She seemed to genuinely want to come with him… though why, he didn't know for sure, not until now. He had pondered that she might have wanted to make amends for breaking his heart, but he hadn't thought she'd wish to rekindle their affair at all…

Now, as she thrusted upwards at him, one of her hands dashing between their bodies to pump his manhood, he realized the most wishful of all possibilities was, despite his rational mind had constantly claimed otherwise, the true explanation for Azula's actions.

He didn't hold back, not in the least: he drilled into her fiercely once they joined their bodies, thrusting with as much strength as he could muster while still kissing her as often as he could. She was breathless, her body strained, her heart still racing… and yet she wanted more, as she proved by rolling them over on the sleeping bag once he was finished, straddling him as she strived to make him hers for the thousandth time. More savage thrusting, and this time her head nearly crashed with the tent's ceiling as she sat up, riding his shaft recklessly: the tent truly could have fallen down upon her, she wouldn't have cared one bit. Then it was him who took over yet again, and they spent hours taking turns to lead their savage coupling, decorating each other's bodies with as many hickeys and bite marks as they could lavish each other with… and it would make quite the spectacle come morning, once they saw in full daylight the full score of reddened marks their bodies would sport, paired with the many dots the pentapi had left upon them.

The final round found them lying together on their sides, face to face, thrusting slowly into each other while they shared countless kisses after their last climaxes. Sokka closed his eyes, overwhelmed by pleasure: they hadn't eaten dinner yet, and his body appeared to resent him for it, seeing as they'd exercised rather extensively just now. They had also left their clothes behind by the lake, and he certainly hoped they'd still be there by morning… but he didn't dare let go of Azula to deal with any such matters, not just yet. Not while her body was wound so tightly around his own, not when it might be one of the last times it ever was… for he had no foolish hopes that this rekindling would last longer than this trip to find Space Sword. Not when Azula had already ran away from him before… when she might just do it again if he ever overwhelmed her ever again…

"You're… not going to say anything?" her voice broke through the darkness and silence, and Sokka damn near wished she hadn't spoken at all. Silence, uncertainty, were better than the mistakes he was likely to make while attempting to read her once again.

"Didn't think you'd want me to," he whispered, simply. He had thought that would be enough for Azula to understand how scared he was, how unwilling to let go of her… but naturally, the proud princess couldn't make anything easy for him.

"Since when do you do whatever I want you to?" she said. He huffed: he should know better than to fall for her verbal traps and tricks… and yet he plunged headfirst into this one, hating himself for it as he uttered his response.

"Since always," he said, bluntly. Azula frowned, but fell silent again. "Since the first night we spent together. For every minute and every moment of my life since then."

"That's… not true," Azula said, though her voice trembled lightly. "How… how could you even know what I wanted without asking me, anyway? If you didn't know…"

"I fucked you when you wanted me to. I walked away when you wanted me to," Sokka said, simply. "And I shut up now, because I know that if I dare say what I'm really thinking, you'll take off again and I don't think my stupid heart will be able to take that anymore."

Azula tensed up next to him. He didn't attempt to soften his words, which he had spoken far more bitterly than he had intended to… but it was true enough that he had seen more than his share of heartbreak throughout his life. There was only so much he could take before he came crashing down for good, unwilling to love ever again… frankly, he had thought he was there already, after she had ran off on him that night. He had been so anguished for the next months, doing his best to stay out of her way, to never inconvenience her… and in the process, he had nearly self-destructed. He was dead sure the reason no one wanted to take a road trip with him wasn't because everyone was too busy… but rather, because none of his friends thought it was a good idea to spend long stretches of time with the moodiest, least fun Sokka they had ever known. To this day, none of them understood why he had changed so much, so suddenly… and to this day, he refused to explain, too. How to explain he had finally found the right person to spend his life with, only to discover he didn't embody the same thing for her…?

"S-Sokka…" she called for him suddenly, bringing him out of his thoughts. Sokka breathed deeply and rubbed his face with a hand, as though trying to shake off the emotional words that had tumbled out of him. What a fool… he wasn't supposed to tell her any of that. He wasn't supposed to guilt her into a damn thing, what was wrong with him?

"Don't mind me, Azula, don't… don't worry. I'm okay," he said, simply.

She seemed rather determined to prove him wrong, however: her hand reached for his chest, touching his heart, feeling its powerful, yet fragile beats. He gritted his teeth, trying to find something to say, anything to defuse the charged situation, far more tense now than in the rest of their awkward days on the road, combined…

"You said you loved me," she whispered. His breath caught. "You said so… and I left. But it wasn't because I… b-because I didn't want to see you anymore."

"What?" Sokka said, and the confusion did nothing to help his current discomfort.

"Sokka, I… I'm sorry. I know you believe you loved me, and because you did, I ruined everything, but the truth is…"

"Woah, what's that supposed to mean, 'I believe I loved you'?" Sokka snapped, eyeing her dark silhouette with a scowl. "There's no 'believe' about it, Azula. I loved you: I still do."

"You… no, Sokka, no," Azula said, shaking her head promptly. Yet her tone, the nervousness with which she spoke… it gave him pause, where he'd had none before. While he certainly didn't appreciate being told by anyone that his feelings couldn't be what he knew they were, he also knew Azula well enough by now to understand there was more going on underneath the surface than she wanted to admit right now.

"No what?" he said, softening his voice. "What are you trying to tell me, Azula?"

"You can't love me. And if you truly did, t-then… you shouldn't," she said, shivering against him. "I can't be… I can't be loved, not like other people can. I can't love, either, so maybe just…"

"What the hell? What's that supposed to mean?" Sokka asked, and Azula shook her head.

"That's what they said. In that damn asylum," she swallowed hard. "They diagnosed me, and tested me, and decided I was… incapable of I don't know how many emotions. They said I couldn't feel them, that I only pretended to, that I… that I copied what I saw in others, but was incapable of truly feeling those emotions myself."

"What sort of…? That's bullshit!" Sokka exclaimed, frowning. Azula shrank in her spot beside him, pressing her head to his chest. "What the hell's that supposed to mean?! You're capable of emotions alright, of so many of them, for crying out loud… who the hell paid those pieces of shit to say that about you? I'll go gut them as soon as we find Space Sword…"

"My mother thought I was a monster," Azula spoke against his chest. Sokka's wild rant stopped cold suddenly. "Why would she love Zuko but not me? Why would she say something was wrong with me if nothing had been wrong at all? Even now, she looks at me funny, no matter if Zuko's taken me back. Like she thinks any moment I'm just going to snap, and set the whole damn Palace on fire. Somedays… somedays I actually do want to do that, Sokka. Whenever I'm too frustrated, I just…"

"Then you can be frustrated? Isn't that an emotion?" Sokka huffed. "Azula… I can't say I know anything for sure, but it sounds like those damn assholes at that institution weren't trying to help you at all. If anything… they tried to convince you that you weren't human. They made you think emotions were worthless, and well, your damn family doesn't help one bit either…"

"But emotions are… they're not good, Sokka," Azula said, shaking her head.

"Says who? Ozai's far from a reliable source of information, you know…"

"It's not just him. It's… I've let myself be swayed by stupid impulses so many times now," Azula said, gritting her teeth. "I mean… if that's what emotions are, they just… they make you do things you shouldn't. They make you lose sight of your rational mind, and then…"

"The more you fight them, the worse it gets," Sokka finished for her. Azula flinched beside him. "Which… sounds like you understand and know emotions pretty well, for someone who allegedly can't feel them."

Azula breathed with difficulty against him, and to her surprise, his arms wrapped warmly around her, pulling her as close as she could be to him. He pressed his lips to the top of her head.

"What did you feel… when you heard I was visiting again, the first time I visited the Fire Nation after all those months without seeing you?" he asked. Azula tensed around him. "Nothing wrong will come from telling me, Azula. I'm not going to hurt you. I just… need to know. And I think you need to say it even more than I need to hear it."

She swallowed hard before making up her mind. There was no trace of joking in his voice… no hint of mockery, of forcefulness, of bullheaded stubbornness. He wasn't trying to make her accept his feelings… he was trying to help her understand her own. Tears surged in her eyes, and with her face pressed to his bare chest as it was, she knew he would feel them directly on his skin.

"I… wanted to see you," she whispered. "I hoped you'd want to see me too. But when we crossed paths, you simply… walked past me. You barely even glanced at me. I… I thought I disgusted you. And it… it hurt. It did."

"I thought I was the one who disgusted you," Sokka said with a trembling voice, tightening his embrace further. "When you ran off, and avoided seeing me, I… I was sure it meant you'd never wanted things to go as far as they did. So I… decided to leave you be. Because I figured you didn't love me back. I thought… you'd be better off without me."

"I wasn't. I'm not," Azula admitted with far more honesty than she ever thought she'd muster, shaking her head against his chest.

"I'm sorry," Sokka whispered, and she gasped. "I should've… guessed I couldn't understand what was going through your head. Doesn't matter how smart I think I am, you're always much more complicated than I can figure out…"

"You… you're not the one who should apologize," Azula said, shaking her head again, and by now the tears did stream down her face. "I'm the one who… who left, and I hurt you, because I didn't know how to tell you that… t-that you shouldn't have loved someone like me…"

"I'm afraid that's never going to stop me," Sokka smiled sadly, raising a hand to her cheek, wiping the tears away as best he could with his thumb. "Love isn't that easily given and taken away."

"But I…" she gasped, shaking her head. "You can't… y-you shouldn't love me, Sokka. No one has ever…"

"I don't know if no one has ever loved you, Azula," Sokka whispered, raising her chin delicately: despite how dark it was, she could see his shape looming closer, so close he found her lips with his own, but far more softly than earlier. Her breath hitched as he pulled away, and she remained desperate, eager for more. "But if no one did before, I'm proud to be the first person who ever did. Whatever mistakes you made… we'll fix them, if they can be fixed. We'll move past them, if they can't be. And you know what's the best part? You don't have to love me back. I didn't tell you how I felt because… because I thought you'd respond with the same thing. I said it because… because I couldn't hold back anymore. Because you made me so happy, you still do, and… I needed you to know that. If you never feel the same way towards me, I'll accept it… but that won't change my feelings for you. It won't erase my truth. And that's still my truth, to this day: I love you, Azula. And as far as I can tell, I always will."

She couldn't hold back anymore: a torrent of tears streamed down her cheeks as she embraced him tightly, just as tight, if not even more so, as she had earlier that day. He held her the same way, pressing gentle kisses around her face, on the top of her head, on her temples… and she only cried further, overwhelmed, overcome by the onslaught of emotions she was supposedly unable to experience.

Had she truly been incapable of those emotions at all… or had she merely locked them away, in all the trauma of her childhood and teenage years, until they finally had broken free upon hearing Sokka's words tonight? Had his sincere, selfless feelings given wing to hers…? Or was she truly just emulating feelings she had seen someplace else…?

Ha. She was sure she had never seen anyone crying this pathetically over a love confession, so copying such an emotional outburst was ruled out.

Which meant… they were wrong. The diagnosis had been wrong. Maybe she was capable of much more than those damn mental experts had decided she was…

Those thoughts calmed her, despite they were anything but tranquilizing, as they would mean she had been living her life halfway for years now, abiding by that damn assessment as though it owned her, attempting to trick herself into believing her inability to feel emotions was a good thing somehow… but there was a lot she needed to do right now instead of crying, in the wake of such a revelation.

"H-how… how do you know you love me?" Azula asked, her voice fragile and unsteady. Her question took Sokka by surprise. "How does anyone know… that they're feeling love for someone else? I… I'm not trying to copy it, I just want to know if…"

"I didn't think you'd be copying anything in the first place," Sokka whispered, rubbing her back gently. "But if you're worried… how about you tell me how you feel, and I'll tell you if that sounds like love or not?"

"Then…" she said, breathing deeply. "I was… happy to see you, but then you didn't seem to want anything to do with me. M-my chest felt hollow, somehow… and when I talked to defend you when Zuko was being an ass about your quest for your sword, I thought you might be grateful, but you looked unaffected, as though it didn't matter… it hurt, too. I felt like an idiot, because I… I thought maybe you were happier whenever I wasn't around. That I'd messed up so badly that now you were better off without me, but I was so hung up on you, I couldn't stop thinking about you, and I wanted to fix things between us… because I wanted you to smile the way you always did before. It hurt that you wouldn't, but I hoped… and then the damn pentapus thing stuck to me and you were back to your old self for a moment, and we were laughing, and helping each other, and my damn stupid hollow chest felt full again…"

Sokka's hands didn't stop rubbing against her back gently. Azula gritted her teeth, clinging to him, to her every word, as she spoke with far more honesty than she remembered doing in her whole life. It seemed she had learned that from him, somehow…

"I never wanted to lose you," she said. "I never wanted to push you so far away you'd never want to come back. I thought… I thought you'd come back and fight to stay by my side because… isn't that how love works? I never thought… I never thought you were walking away because you loved me. B-because you thought that was what I wanted… I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I didn't… I didn't want to push you away, Sokka…"

"I get it," he whispered, kissing the top of her head. "I understand now. I… I'm relieved, you know? I thought I'd spend the rest of my life alone…"

"You…?" Azula said, puzzled. Sokka chuckled.

"No one knew I was with you… so my damn sister kept trying to set me up with people. I always said no, she'd always find a way to throw them at me, I'd always make myself scarce as soon as I knew there was yet another girl waiting to meet the great hero Sokka…"

"Pfft… great hero?" Azula smiled, amused.

"See? I don't want or need a girl who worships me" Sokka chuckled, kissing her brow. "I'd rather have one who thinks all that stuff is nonsense… because she sees right through me, and knows deep down I'm just a dork who wants to spend time with his friends, talk nonsense, joke around, pull pranks on people…"

"We need to do it again… pulling pranks on everyone," Azula smiled, pressing her own lips to his chest. "I miss that."

"Well… I don't know what this really means for us, going forward," Sokka whispered. "Maybe you're not ready for anything too demanding anyway… but what you said you felt for me did sound quite a lot like love, you know?"

"It… did?" Azula said, the hopeful inflection of her voice brought a gentle grin to Sokka's face.

"That's right," he said, pressing his brow to hers. "So… going back to civilization, and telling everyone we're together now? Sounds like the culmination of the greatest prank of all time to me."

"Though it's not just a prank," Azula smiled, closing her eyes. "We are together. Or at least, we should be."

"If we both agree on that… then I guess it means we are," Sokka sighed.

She hadn't known what to make of his tone with the last words he spoke… until a soft laugh shook him, and then he was squeezing her so tight she lost her breath: tears fell upon her skin, just as her own had fallen on his. Azula gritted her teeth but hugged him back, burying her face in his shoulder as he sobbed quietly against her.

Just one silly development, one chaotic afternoon spent battling against strange but harmless invertebrates, had turned into a wild evening of relentless trysts until they had released their everything together… and then it had become an emotional night, where they had finally talked thoroughly, finally understanding each other's fears, weakness, insecurities and thought processes. It hadn't needed to come this far, they both knew it… and yet they were so grateful to recover what they'd lost that they didn't stop to reason with how much time they had wasted: instead, their lips met in a tearful kiss, and their bodies joined anew for one more time that night, but in a warmer, loving manner, slow and gradual, until they both reached their final culmination and fell asleep soundly in each other's arms. Just as there had been no violent solution to fend off the pentapi, there had been no such solution for their relationship either: a gentler approach, far more sincere, where they had opened their hearts, regardless of the painful risk it represented, was the only true way to resolve their conflict.

The long-standing tension between them was gone, completely, by the next morning: they couldn't seem to stop smiling together, not when they made love again by dawn, not when they ate a hefty breakfast to make up for the dinner they had missed, not when they rushed back to the lake to find the clothes that they had left lying about by the shore. Once they packed the tent and took off, following Sokka's map, they did as much with hands linked, casting countless teasing comments at each other with every new step they took together.

After a week and a half of long, heartfelt nights and blissful, bright days, their journey appeared to be one that should have lasted a lifetime instead… and yet Azula's luck dictated otherwise.

She spotted it amidst bushes while she foraged for food, as their reserves were near depleted by then: it didn't glow as brightly as it had long ago, but that golden pommel still caught her eye. She pushed the plants out of the way, slowing by the weapon to find it sunken to the hilt in the soil. She breathed deeply and wrapped her hand around the handle's leather, and without much struggle, the weapon came loose… and that black blade nearly glistened under the sunlight once she had withdrawn it completely.

It was over, then. Their long trip, their chance to reconnect and make amends… Azula gritted her teeth as she gazed at the weapon, almost begrudging it for not having taken a little longer to show up, despite she had practically found it by sheer chance as it was. She briefly pondered stashing it away someplace safe, to make sure she and Sokka would continue to travel together for a little longer… but his words, his many decisions and sacrifices for her sake, convinced her otherwise. He had taught her what love looked like: selfishness wasn't part of it. He had come here to find his sword, and she had no right to deprive him from it for a moment longer.

"Sokka?" she called for him, and he raised his head from the small venison he'd been able to catch earlier, thanks to his boomerang.

"What is it?" he asked. "Found anything that looks too bright and funny? It's probably poisonous, if that's it…"

"Well, that sure explains why it was that dangerous all along, huh?" Azula smiled, returning to the clearing they were resting at that morning. She raised her right hand, showing the weapon she held to Sokka, who froze in place immediately. "Didn't think you'd play so underhandedly back in those days, coating your weapon in poison, but…"

"AZULA! YOU FOUND IT?!"

Azula laughed as she offered the sword at her lover, who clumsily jumped to his feet and rushed towards her. He took Space Sword in his hands, smiling brightly enough to cry yet again… and then he dropped the weapon, to her utter astonishment, and embraced her so tightly he raised her from the ground.

"S-Sokka!" she gasped, embracing him right back in fear of falling… especially in fear of falling on his insanely sharp sword.

"You're the greatest, smartest, cleverest, most amazing woman in the entire planet!" he squealed. Despite her previous apprehension, Azula couldn't hold back a trickle of laughter as she pressed her face to his neck. "Oh, hell…! I was starting to think we'd never find it! Which, to be fair, I didn't mind too much? I was having so much fun being on the road with you as it was, that I…!"

"You forgot you were looking for a sword?" Azula smiled, as he set her down at last. "I think I could tell. Seeing as you kept making plans about what we'd eat for our next meal, or what position we'd try for the next night…"

Sokka snorted and laughed, pressing his brow to hers. Azula grinned, breathing out slowly: that was the face she had relished in. That expression of pure, undoubtable bliss… the genuine smiles she had never been deemed worthy of until Sokka had decided otherwise. Her heart ached pleasantly at the sight of it, at the gentle bliss that permeated them both right now.

"Thank you, Azula… thank you so much," he said, pressing many quick, enthusiastic kisses to her lips. Azula's smile only widened further. "Goodness, I owe you so much more than you can imagine…"

"No, you don't…" Azula whispered, caressing his chest. "Whatever debts we owed each other… I think they're settled after this trip. I'd hurt you… now I've made up for it, somehow, I hope…"

"You've more than made up for every bit of pain, Azula… you didn't even have to, but you have," Sokka smiled, caressing her face kindly.

"I did have to…" she said, as another of those impulses she couldn't repress bubbled to the surface: "Because I love you, too."

He had never expected her to return his feelings… let alone for her to say it aloud, if she did. He was sure he'd spend his life with her, regardless of whether she ever said those three words to him at all… and yet now that she had, it was as though his entire world had expanded, exploded, becoming greater, larger and better in a single moment. Tears surged in his eyes, as did in hers… and the next thing she knew, they were back in the tent, reprising every blissful night and morning they had spent making love relentlessly together. After so long of fearing she'd always be alone, fearing she had alienated the only person who genuinely had cared for her, now she knew she'd live every day ahead with the bright awareness that she would have him by her side…

No one had truly expected Sokka to return with his sword. Zuko, personally, hadn't expected him to return with Azula, to begin with, having even set up a whole squad to track down his sister once she inevitably escaped…

Yet what no one could have ever anticipated was for Sokka and Azula to not only have found Space Sword, but to have found their way to each other just as well: Zuko spent months convinced their engagement announcement was but another of their joint pranks… even up until the very wedding ceremony. Teasing him further, after first kissing her new husband, Azula had promised Zuko that their first child would be called 'Prank', in his honor… and only then did the reality of the situation hit him, despite he was still quite far from being able to process it fully. Katara, of course, wasn't in much better shape… and yet, to everyone's surprise, she eased up on them faster if only because of Sokka's genuine happiness. Seeing him back in good spirits, even if they mostly were related to the woman he couldn't seem to stop holding in his arms ever since they returned from their long journey, was enough of a relief that she managed to overlook, at least most times, that her new sister-in-law was none other than who she was…

And as fun as their reactions were, nothing pleased either the princess or her new consort as much as their relationship itself did. Opening their hearts to each other fully, thoroughly understanding what their feelings were, had changed their worlds for the better. It had started as a quest for a sword… and instead it had shaped into the reforging of a love and the beginning a blissful journey that would span for a lifetime.

[eat-the-richard]

Why Super Mario Sunshine is kind of bad (and how to fix it)

It’s safe to say that in our current hellscape that there are few games in the Mario franchise with as strong of a following online than Super Mario Sunshine. And how could it not? It’s so unique and fun that most people could probably have a good time with it. But it’s interesting to note just how much this perspective has changed over time. 

When Sunshine came out it was considered by some to be the black sheep of the series. Or at the very least a noticeable step down from 64. There’s quite a lot wrong with Mario Sunshine. While there’s a great game at the core of this thing, there’s certainly a few miles of paint-like goop to sift through.

What’s frustrating is that a lot of these problems could have been solved with just a bit more development time. Mario Sunshine was rushed. This can be observed even without prior knowledge, but it becomes plainly evident when you look at some of the prerelease videos. In some instances it doesn’t even resemble the final product. Even at E3 2002, just three months before launch, there are a lot of noticeable differences to the final product.

Because of this rushed development, a lot of corners needed to be cut to pad out the game’s relatively lacking amount of content. The result is a game that is fun and well designed in some instances but a complete and utter disaster in others. 

The issues plaguing Mario Sunshine were emblematic of a Nintendo-wide issue. At the start of the GameCube’s life, many prominent franchises were rushed along development to meet strict deadlines to fill out the console’s thinning library and boost sales. The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker is a textbook example. A lot of people had issues with that one too when it came out. Despite some clearly dumb points about the game’s art style, there’s definitely a lot to say about how Wind Waker pads out limited content. Doesn’t that sound familiar?

Thankfully, in 2013, the Wind Waker received an HD rerelease for the Wii U. Alongside a hefty visual overhaul, there were many under the hood changes to make the game an overall smoother experience stemming directly from those 2003 critiques. Sailing is made way simpler and faster in this version and the Tingle-inspired back-half of the game is shortened significantly. These two changes alone make this version superior, at least to me.

In the years since, I believed that Sunshine could have benefited from a rerelease similar to Wind Waker. Not necessarily in terms of its visuals (which I think have held up rather well) but in terms of its structure. Some small changes to the way Sunshine progresses could really benefit it overall, and I believed, erroneously, that it was only a matter of time before it received this treatment.

But we live in a post-3D All Stars world, and Nintendo’s response is clear. They believe Mario Sunshine is perfectly fine as is. Just touch up some of the textures, give it a resolution increase, and you got yourself a solid product. And yeah, its still pretty fun like this. But its hard to look past the missed potential in refining some of Sunshine’s rougher edges.

Which is what I plan to outline in this video. If I were to be given the reigns to nosedive Nintendo’s current plans to revamp a 2002 GameCube game, what would I change? After a suitable amount of complaining, I’ll discuss a fan project that comes close to doing what I think Nintendo should do.

So sit back, relax and let me refresh your body and spirit.

The first changes I’d make have to do with the frame rate. It’s evident that Super Mario Sunshine was supposed to be a 60 frames-per-second game. Some prerelease footage even shows as much. But somewhere late in development, the framerate was capped at 30, making it the only 3D Mario Game post-64 to not reach 60. Using Gecko codes, it’s possible to unlock the framerate and play at a pretty consistent 60. It’s so consistent that it starts raising the question of why Nintendo didn’t implement this into the Switch rerelease. This code isn’t emulator exclusive either, it also works pretty well when used on Wii consoles. Also, a hypothetical rerelease using the source code wouldn’t even have to deal with this anyway. But it’s good that the game works so well like this even without more structural changes. I don’t really need to explain the benefit of an increased framerate, so strike that one down.

And with that out of the way, it’s time to outline the biggest change my hypothetical Mario Sunshine remaster would make. One seemingly small but with major ramifications towards the rest of the game. But first, some background.

Super Mario 64 took a pretty big risk back in 1996 by significantly changing the main objective of playing a platformer. It was no longer about clearing a level. You aren’t going through these areas to reach an end point. The objective is now to find certain major collectibles, in this case power stars. But the game doesn’t want you to collect all of them. I’ve heard a lot of discourse recently about the boot-out system, but even when I was a kid I realized that 64 kicked you out of every level not just to pad out game length but to keep you moving around the castle. 

64 is always inviting you to explore new areas with a constant trickle of new content the more total stars you collect. At first, the amount of stars needed to unlock a new level are small. The first area of the castle has every level besides Bob-omb’s Battlefield locked behind a small star total. And the amount needed to progress onto the next full area with five more major levels is only 8. But these star totals gradually increase over time, requiring 30, 50, and finally 70 stars to unlock new content. But what stars you got never mattered, just how many in total. This allows for free exploration where the player doesn’t have to think about where their next objective is. For instance, exploring pretty much every cardinal direction of Lethal Lava Land will lead you in the direction of a star. And because it doesn’t matter which star you get, it allows players to choose how long they invest in each level. Are the constant treks up Tall Tall Mountain or Rainbow Ride annoying you? Well all those stars are completely optional, you just have to compensate by completing more of the other levels. It’s an ingenious system that allows for a lower total amount of levels to feel more rewarding.

Super Mario Sunshine is practically begging to be like this. In fact, for the first few hours, that’s exactly how it works. New levels are unlocked progressively through getting Shines. But it doesn’t work in quite the same way. These shine totals are never outlined to the player. It shows you that you’ll eventually be able to use the Rocket Nozzle and has objects like the pineapple blocking Sirena Beach to make you yearn for a Yoshi. But you’re not told when these things are to be unlocked; it just sort of happens. Which is fine, it definitely makes the game feel more mysterious. But it lacks that forward momentum of 64 where your end goal is always simple and in the back of your mind. Oh, I need 30 stars to unlock this big door. Sunshine doesn’t have this despite literally operating in the same way. But it still maintains the ability to slowly unlock content to players through playing more of the game, which is good. And importantly, which stars you get for these gates aren’t important, just that you’re getting them at all. And if the game stuck to this principle, that would’ve been great.

Except it didn’t.

After the rocket nozzle is unlocked and Pianta Village becomes accessible, your total amount of Shines is never relevant again. Instead, game progression is contingent upon completing mission 7 of every level. Not every shine is valued the same according to the game. The progression is far more linear than in 64. You can no longer choose to avoid the Chuckster mission. Or the Sand Bird mission. Or the teeth cleaning mission. Or racing Il Piantissimo three times. Or fighting Gooper Blooper three times. Or fighting Petey Pirahna twice. Or defeating these same Piranha Plant Gatekeepers five times. Or even chasing down and squirting on Shadow Mario E L E V E N T I M E S. There’s a lot of repetition here which would’ve been eased simply by allowing the player to avoid doing these missions wherever possible. 64 had similar situations of reused content, but it’s not as egregious when there’s no incentive to collect stars you don’t want to. 

This structure is also weird because there’s a ton of extra missions in this game. Some of the game’s most, err, fun segments are hidden away in Delfino Plaza. These can be some pretty time-consuming tasks. You know what I’m talking about. But that’s not all. Every course also has some bonus shines. Every secret stage has an additional Red Coin challenge. There’s some “cleverly” hidden shines even within certain missions. There’s even a mission 8 to every level. Every level also has a 100 coin mission which, just to get it out of the way, should absolutely not spawn the shine somewhere 100 feet away from you AND boot you out of the level upon collection AND not be possible in every mission. Like c’mon, Mario 64 got this right on the first try. So Nintendo went out of their way to put all these extra shines in the game, and yet none of them matter towards game completion. Which makes me wonder what the point of completing them is supposed to be?

All this extra content, regardless of quality, would benefit from a system similar to Mario 64. In its current state, there’s not much of a reason to even bother with these extra missions, especially when some of them are of questionable quality. On that same token, there’s some pretty fun missions hidden in this extra content, and it’s a shame that they aren’t more important.

Well, with that...  

B L U E    C O I N S

I almost forgot about you!

Blue Coins are pretty despised. But in concept they’re pretty smart to put in a game like this. It’s kind of like the Red Coins but on a broader scale. They’re packed into every little tiny corner of the levels, giving players more of a reason to explore the pretty environments. And once you collect 10 of them, you get a Shine Sprite from the local beavers. If these Blue Coin shines counted towards a grand total for game completion, Blue Coins could give players a nice buffer to replace some of the games more questionable missions. But just like all of the extra content, Blue Coins matter not one iota towards finishing the game. So, the only reason to collect Blue Coins at all is if you wanted to collect them all.

And that’s precisely why people hate them. Because collecting all the Blue Coins is an absolute nightmare. Let’s not even talk about how cryptic some of these coins are because honestly I’ll be here all day. Let’s instead talk about how impossible it is to know how close you are to getting every Blue Coin in a level. You can intuit through previous levels that it caps out at 30 per level, but the game never tells you that. There’s obviously no Blue Coin tracker like there is for shrines in Breath of the Wild, so if you’re frantically darting around Noki Bay looking for the one coin you missed that's hidden inside a wall for some reason, you’ve only got GameFaqs and Jesus to help you at that point. 

To top it all off, just like the 100 coins missions, it’s impossible to get every Blue Coin in every mission in a level. Some blue coins are exclusive to certain missions. And it’s impossible to know how many are exclusive, which ones are exclusive, how many exclusives you’ve gotten, how many exclusives you need. Must I continue? This process is a disaster and gives Blue Coins a bad name. If they were put in a game like Mario 64, I feel like these things would have much more of a positive reputation. But as it stands these things are so toxic they’ve been reduced to POW switch fodder in later games. 

I think Blue Coins summarize the issue with the extra content pretty succinctly. In a game like Mario 64, they’re harmless. But in a game where none of it is tied to beating the final level, the only purpose they have is 100% completion. And 100% completion should never be the focus of 3D Platformers. Some players prefer playing to completion but there’s a reason why most don’t. Fully completing a game is a soul commitment as much as it is a time commitment. It’s saying to yourself that I am willing to go through all the unfinished, janky, and cryptic content Mario Sunshine has to offer all for the extensive reward of… a different end screen. So yeah, there is no reason to get 100% of Mario Sunshine’s content. Even completionists are going to be disappointed. Not only is this content useless towards Any%, it’s aggravating for 100%, since fully completing the game is so unrewarding. 

So, how do we fix this issue? Well to do that, let’s take a look at a mod that, in my opinion, does exactly that: Super Mario Sunburn, made by Epicwade.

The biggest change Sunburn makes is in its requirements for completion. Rather than Bowser being locked behind completing the seven Shadow Mario shines, the door to Corona Mountain is opened when the player attains 70 shines overall. If you recall, that’s the exact same amount 64 requires of the player to reach the final level. This change, by itself, adjusts Sunshine more towards what I would like it to be. But if you’re crazy enough to prefer the previous mode of completion, it’s still there as an option.

That’s not all, though. Now, when you collect a Shine, you’re no longer booted out of the level, and instead are simply asked to save and then you’re free to explore the rest of the level. My feelings on this essentially boil down to which mission I’m playing. I think the first two shines of Bianco Hills show this working pretty much perfectly. You squirt on the gatekeeper to get the first shine and then you’re immediately free to go forward and fight Petey Piranha. This feels far more natural than having to get booted out after the first shine and make the entire trip through the first half of Bianco Hills just to get back to where you just were. So in this case, it’s a positive.

However, Sunshine very often changes its course layout per mission. And when that happens, it feels a bit unnecessary to have to boot out of a level manually and boot back in just to get the next event to trigger. Sometimes you can chain getting a bunch of shines out in the open with a secret stage which resets the level upon entering the newly placed warp pipe at the end of it. But otherwise you’re stuck pausing and exiting. I feel this issue may be able to be streamlined by doing something like Mario Odyssey does, where collecting certain Moons boot you to the beginning of the level with the new mission unlocked. This might be outside of the reach of Sunshine modding at the moment, though.

This isn’t the only change set to make Sunshine more open. One of my favorite parts of the original game was that you could see other levels whenever you looked around. Turning at the start of Bianco Hills and being able to see not only Delfino Plaza but also the yet to be unlocked Ricco Harbor and Pinna Park was fascinating to me when I first played it. Sunburn takes this concept one step further by allowing players to travel from stage to stage. For instance, taking the river in Bianco Hills spits you out Ricco, and climbing a vine in Ricco allows you to travel back. This is a pretty novel idea and definitely makes replaying the game an entirely different experience, especially when combined with the lack of boot out. It does lose me a bit in how it necessitates for every level to be unlocked at the start. As I mentioned previously, slowly unlocking stages to the player by collecting whatever collectible they’re using allows for 3D Platformers to have constant forward momentum, which is lost here. But for those who’ve already played the game I think this is a fun option.

Other quality of life changes are strictly positives. In most instances, Blue Coins are now accessible from any mission in a level. I say most because it’s impossible for some of these coins to make the transition. But in the vast majority of cases, it’s been done. More coins have been added to each stage, along with Red Coins counting as collecting two coins just like in 64. This makes getting 100 coins a lot easier, especially when you’re doing multiple missions of a stage in a row. Two of the game’s weakest sections become far more manageable with these changes. There’s some smaller changes too, like being able to skip cutscenes, Blue Coins no longer bringing up a save screen, and Shadow Mario’s invisible health bar being restored. There’s also new content here, with additional secret stages being accessible from the main courses. Nothing mind-blowing, but it’s at least pretty neat to run around Outset Island as a FLUDD-strapped Mario.

Super Mario Sunburn addresses a lot of my issues with the original version, which was exactly the point. I’m not the first to bring up these issues, nor will I be the last. There’s so much potential within Super Mario Sunshine to be one of the best examples of its genre, so to see it fall short in such fundamental areas is undeniably frustrating. As usual with Nintendo, and even with other publishers, it’s often the community that sees itself to correct the issues with the games they feel deeply passionate about. Basically the only difference between Sunburn and an official Sunshine remake or remaster would be a significant layer of polish. That still might happen, but I’m not holding my breath at this point. So if you find yourself feeling similarly as I do about Sunshine, it might be worth it to check Super Mario Sunburn out. Here’s the download link again if you’re curious.

[sillyfudgemonkeys]

so i just heard on twitter P5S had some development problems, thus the issues with the story, the lack of character development, and the switch performance. It would explain quite a bit, but I haven't really heard anything from legit sources. Did you ever see or hear anything about that?

I....I’ve been very sparse on Twitter today tbh. So I’m a bit behind. So I don’t know the tweet you’re referring to. ;w; orz 

(oh boi, under the cut cause weeeeeeeeee 8U buckle up novel time)

If P5S had development problems with story/chars, that would’ve been with the JPN release. Which might explain why it started developing before P5R but released later (doesn’t help that Atlus apparently just signed off on the story rather than write it themselves >.> think that info in particular can be found on another personacentral article). But AtlusUSA isn’t involved with writing the story, just translating/localizing it. 

Switch performance, I doubt AtlusUSA is the one who is in charge with fixing that too. If anyone is gonna patch that mess, that’s gonna be KT (hell not even AtlusJPN, cause KT is who developed it iirc). Now I DO know that AtlusJPN is working on a patch for having SMT3 run better but that’s not P5S sooooo 8U

Now my personal theory/theories about why P5S was taking so long was:

Covid

Covid

Covid

Localization rights (KT America vs AtlusUSA/AtlusWest, I’mma still use USA screw west sorry its one letter too long and I’m lazy >8U)

PS5

Swap PS5 out with Steam and there we go. Should’ve seen the hints before but yeah....we’ll get to that in a bit. 

Covid really screwed a lot of things up, like REALLY REALLY. I don’t think I can stress this enough. It pushed back a lot of stuff because people couldn’t gather. Not just “in public” like literally at work. It took awhile for people to implement ways to still do their job (either by working from home, or having a small bubble). We know anime and dubbing got delayed because of that. Hell some games got delayed because of that too! So I cannot stress enough how much Covid screwed everything up. But how much did it screw everything up? Well......that’s when I decided to look at the past few games AtlusUSA had localized. The result was usually 5-7 months, that includes PQ2 which infamously didn’t have a dub (ah should’ve included SJR..... uhhhh oh same time, 6 months). Anyway I predicted August-November if they skirt the marketing, otherwise we’d get it early 2021. And a-yo wouldya look at that~!

Anyway that post was in July, by that time I think companies figured out how to safely gather for dubs. But keep in mind AtlusWest was also doing other translations beside english now so........yeah......people who say the dub is the reason for the delay, I don’t think that’s right (heck even in this case I don’t think it’s right). Considering that SJR/PQ2 both took about the same time, I have a feeling that AtlusJPN doesn’t want AtlusUSA to release their game until a set time (thankfully it seems that might be changing with SMTV tho!) 

So we’ve addressed Covid, and my mini conspiracy of AtlusJPN forcing a later release date on western releases..... What about Localization rights? So.... ok, there was a post I wanted to make sometime around 2018 but never did. In around 2018 BBTAG was coming out right? So fun fact, at Acen I was there and lo and behold a rep from Arcsys was there showing off an arcade of BBTAG~! And not just any rep, a marketing rep iirc! Well let’s just say I had a few questions, as a fan I’m not a reporter fksjdkflja didn’t come in swinging with a recorder sorry (anyway the questions were something about VAs like getting old Kanji/Chie/Teddie back, changing Aigis’ name back to Aegis....iirc Teddie wasn’t out yet so yeah I’d ask why the wishy washy stance but ey didn’t know that info yet, if they’d be working on Arena 3 rather than AtlusUSA, yadda yadda). Well the thing that stood out was when I asked if Arcsys’ new western branch would be in charge of localizing this hypothetical Arena 3 or any other Persona Fighting game if made. And he said “yeah, if Arcsys JPN works on it, we’ll be localizing it!” Now, that was then this is now. Things change, it’s also a diff company compared to KT so things might be different. (btw Arcsys didn’t have a western branch with Arena/Ultimax so yeah obvie AtlusUSA did the localization). Or it could’ve been bad info. Or it could’ve been that-that was the case but it isn’t now. But here’s the thing, KT does have a western branch (that or google is lying), and IF, IF what Arcsys’ rep says applies here....then there might have been a dispute between two companies on who might localize it going on behind the scenes. Which might explain why AtlusUSA wasn’t talking about P5S cause....yeah....you don’t really talk about that stuff when it’s in dispute. >.> BUT that’s just a theory. 8U A SILLY THEORY! Thanks for-oh wait I have one more. 8U (but low key that could’ve been happening behind the scenes, so like I wouldn’t be surprised, but the next theory also makes sense why it was delayed so eh, could be both, could be one or the other doesn’t matter)

So the last theory I had was originally the PS5. So like, we didn’t know till very late that when the next gen consoles were coming out. :) Thanks Sony. :) And Microsoft. :) *cough* Anyway, so I thought maybe AtlusJPN wanted to do an update or something and might’ve been holding AtlusUSA back so they could do that because YEAH WHY NOT! ANYTHING GOES ATM! But....BUT..... after the leak.....it made sense. I wouldn’t be surprised if they held back because of.....Steam. sajdkfla Esp with those teases of other games coming to Steam....I can’t believe I didn’t see it kdljsaf It also makes a lot of sense timeline wise. So we know that CHN/KR got their own versions of P5S right? Yeah so those dropped around the time of P4G’s WW release on Steam (4-5 days after P4G iirc). Now, CHN/KR tranlsations are probably faster than the western releases for a number of reasons, similar cultures (so localizing isn’t as bad), and the languages are closer than their romance counterpart so it’s probably easier translating too (they also don’t have to dub but as SJR/PQ2 have shown that’s a non issue). But here’s the thing, AtlusJPN wasn’t expecting such a success on Steam....and then it happened. So that leads me to believe that they probs got to work right away on a Steam release (or at least got more serious about it). And now all of it is probably basically done (translating, dubbing, Steamming, yadda yadda), now they just have to market it, and VGA is the best time this late in the year.

*inhales* So yeah, that’s my theory on what happened. Again, it’s a theory, all speculation from info I have available. Not saying any of it is true, it’s just what sounds plausible. 

[gyromitra-esculenta]

Even If the Waters Rise 1/3

Talked myself into Mermay. But it’s Shadowrun based mermay with (something that resembles) plot. Mermaids are now metahuman, and, boy, do I have the issues with Sea Dragon’s design. It got 6k words on the first chapter.

Also, warnings for the whole planned thing: blood, gore, and violence; cannibalism (human on metahuman); questionable jokes and questionable totem choices; ambiguous relationships; referenced limb loss/cybernetics/etc; mating cycles.

(...)

Later, the deep throbbing bites on his back, shoulders, and neck almost manage to take his mind off the itching under the sleeves, the kind anything but scratching the skin off whole does nothing for. The bites, they should bother him more but feel only right, as does the thumb following the line of his spine, up and down each bump, ceaseless, building the pressure up and then letting go. Jack has to wonder as he drifts off if it's one of those times Gabriel will stay until he wakes.

He does. Looking with the usual neutral expression when Jack gulps for the air, the lingering vague memory of drowning but not sinking while something gorges itself on his flesh with little bites tearing him apart fading slowly.

(...)

Coming off the sedation after being cut was always a mixed bag. This time, though, the bustle of the street outside filters in slowly, rising like a wave over the ocean of static and breaking when the stims start doing their job.

The first breath is always the hardest, some kink in the lungs that kicks them into filtration mode each time the loss of consciousness occurs and demands focus from Jack to consciously switch back into the atmospheric intake.

"With us again?"

"You tell me, you're in my brain."

"Being obstinate will net you no points," Sombra mentally scoffs. "The pain?"

"No worse than usual."

"Arms up. Good, neural's working with no lag. And thank you very much for that kick, the legs are doing fine too."

"All?" Jack looks over the utilitarian metal surfaces of his limbs, the make and the model different from anything else he has seen on the market.

"Now, yeah," Sombra winces, pulling the plug out. She doesn’t need it but had told him once there were times she felt safer working with one. "For final calibrations, I need more data, so let's slap synthskin on those."

"What are they, anyway?"

"Scrubbed milspec, last year's model, or so I'd been told."

Sombra directs the assistant. Each applied sheet of layered synthskin gives Jack a lurch of unpleasant sensations before settling into annoyance, tension, and oversensitivity. A dance he's familiar with - a day or two before the brain puts a dampener on the sensory input when it integrates properly.

"I know why you're doing this for free, but why is he spending so much on this?"

Sombra flinches.

"The last batch you got rid of was worth more than those."

"It won't stop the demand, only the price of the meat went up."

"And the ability to process it for consumption went down. You know what's my take on it," she signs something on her pad. "Anyway, have fun tonight. I'll get in touch with you tomorrow to finish the calibrations."

"Not seeing much of a difference now," Jack pulls on his clothes, mindful of the temporary sleeves making sure the skin stays in place. "Tell me I won’t control and crush anyone."

"Implemented mental blocks. No limiters, so they can over-perform and get bricked, too."

"Taking bets on when I brick them?"

"Honestly!" Sombra throws the pad at him and Jack deflects it into the wall - looking back to her with a sheepish grin as it falls to the ground. "Too slow. Also, I don't want to see you in the professional capacity for at least half a year, but I'm giving you a month."

"Not very generous, and you're making me think you don't like it in my head."

"I don't, it's a jumble there since..." She stops herself, glaring daggers at the assistant who, granted with the rare ability to read the room, makes himself scarce - finding something urgent to do in the back.

"Since the glorified accident at work I don't even remember, seriously, five years, it's enough to stop treating me like I'm going to break about it." Jack pulls up the hood. Sombra's thinking about something, her brows drawn together in a worried frown.

"Aren't you curious?"

"Not really. Nightmares are a clue enough that something took out a lot of bites, and really, can't blame them, can I?"

"That's enough." She sends him a slightly nauseated look. "Scram now, have fun."

"Do you think he will tell me where he got milspec from?"

"He didn't tell me, so he's not going to tell you."

"But you've got an inkling how he got it."

"Maybe." She waves him off and Jack rolls his eyes, shrugging. Needling her for information has never worked before, anyway, and probably never will.

"See you when I wreck those."

"Fuck off!"

In less than an hour, there will be no trace left of her inside - and of Jack himself - the room is already being stripped down as he makes his way out of the basement up the concrete stairs with walls covered with dangerous amounts of mildew. Pushing past a corner stall encroaching on the doorway, he picks up a wrapped piece of barely seared meat waiting for him and waves his bracelet at the chit reader.

The air is wet and salty, like waves on the harbor, not even the smells of the market drown it out. The corners of his lips curl up at the thought tomorrow, or the day after, he'll be back out there, out on the sea, taking a dive into its depths, water everywhere, below and above, invisible current carrying him on its whims. Jack hails down the cab, the smile still on his face.

It remains there even twenty minutes later as he gets off by the hotel, both far too expensive and far too cheap at the same time. Too expensive for his own tastes, too cheap for Gabe to rent a room in it. Alas, here they are - and he sends a quick text.

'I'm coming up.'

Almost to the top, feeling vaguely claustrophobic in the humming elevator thankfully bereft of the usual muzak (apparently some taste did come with the money, but not enough for the interior to keep consistent style), he gets the customary message back. 'Open.'

Jack lets out the breath he's been inadvertently holding in when the doors open and he's left in the corridor, looking for the right entrance. A suite, of course, worth a chuckle as he walks inside, the only source of light the city's glow coming in through the windows.

And Gabriel, of course - again - standing with his back to the window, the only discernible features of his in the dim the almost glowing red irises and the white markings creating a vague outline of some animal face. Dramatic asshole, as usual.

"Show me."

The tone of authority and ownership demanding obedience - the order itself - coming from anyone else but the man who one way or another did own everything that made him, would have Jack snarling and pouncing whoever dared to speak to him like that. Hearing it from Gabe, though...

"Not even 'hi, how are you' or 'greetings, mortal'?"

Jack rolls his eyes, stripping down completely out of his clothes, leaving them lying on the plush carpet as Gabriel comes closer. Always smelling faintly of the deep ocean, or rather, of how Jack would imagine it to smell if it did.

Fingers dig around the edges of the sleeves on his shoulders, feeling the joints underneath, moving down to repeat the same around his hips. Synthskin sends confusing signals, not quite the pain yet, and a pinch of irritation.

"Looks fine."

"Will you tell me how you got your hands on last generation's milspec?" Gabriel ignores the question - no acknowledgment of it being asked even - as he's wont to do. Instead, he picks up a pillbox from the dresser. "I still got them."

"I know. You're dosing too low."

"Orgasm in a pill seems a bit too convenient." Jack massages the joint of his shoulder, moving to the bedroom. The carpet, probably soft on any other occasion, scratches his soles. "And a bit awkward."

"A fortunate coincidence of it interacting with your physiology."

"Yeah, coincidence. You're sure it's not another leash to keep me on?"

"If it were, you wouldn't be able to skip a dose. I'd make sure of it."

"I'm pulling your leg. I rather suspect you wouldn't do that, or would you?" Jack climbs the bed and props himself on the pillows - eyes focused on the single pill held between Gabriel's fingers, tracking it as he puts it in his mouth advancing - crawling over the covers, and Jack himself, with the grace of a predator playfully stalking a prey he knows cannot flee, the kill only a formality decided beforehand.

Drowning, always drowning in those eyes, black sclera and red irises blurring together into one, always looking too deep into him until he feels they don’t see him at all, his tongue brushing against sharp pointed teeth in an open-mouthed kiss, electricity traveling back and forth the nerves of phantom limbs with the speed of light coming to stop in a single burst leaving him breathless and shaking under Gabriel.

"Dutiful boy. You deserve a prize."

Jack chuckles at the first trace of any emotion in Gabriel's voice. The possessiveness is never truly gone, it's as much an integral part of him as are his looks, but there's a note of fondness giving Jack the incontestable impulse to almost preen: lower his lashes and incline back his head, hand sliding along dark red lines on Gabriel's arm.

"She's going to touch up off this."

"Are you worried about your privacy?"

"I'm used to having none with her. That was," he inhales sharply, feeling the bite on his collarbone, "for your benefit. I can see now you don't mind."

"I do not."

Jack merely snorts, rolling over and promising himself again to figure out Gabriel's trick with the clothes, there one moment and gone in the next, probably magic, but if he ever had any spark himself it was long lost with all the work done on him since the accident. Blunt as a troll's fist, this one.

Not that he has the ability to dwell on it while getting drilled into the mattress.

Later, the deep throbbing bites on his back, shoulders, and neck almost manage to take his mind off the itching under the sleeves, the kind anything but scratching the skin off whole does nothing for. The bites, they should bother him more but feel only right, as does the thumb following the line of his spine, up and down each bump, ceaseless, building the pressure and then letting go. Jack has to wonder as he drifts off if it's one of those times Gabriel will stay until he wakes.

He does. Looking with the usual neutral expression when Jack gulps for the air, the lingering vague memory of drowning but not sinking while something gorges itself on his flesh with little bites tearing him apart fading slowly.

"Lungs are still giving you problems."

Bathed in the sunlight, Gabriel looks as striking as in the darkness - minutely less dangerous now, however surface and not representative of his true nature the impression is. Regal. Focused on the multitude of holoscreens floating in the air before him.

"No. Not really."

"You were choking."

"Only a bit." Jack stretches, still feeling relatively boneless and exhausted, sticky with perspiration, too tired yet to consider the shower to be a genuine need right now. He slips off the bed only to retrieve the wrapped meat from the pile of discarded clothes in the other room and climbs right back into it.

"It's almost raw," Gabriel mentions when Jack's well into a third of his snack.

"Yeah. I'm finding it's not that bad at all, all things considered. Are you going to comment on my obviously poor dietary choices?"

"No. I'm rather curious about why would you consume it raw." A note of amusement, rare as it is, floats in Gabriel's voice. Jack shrugs.

"Started as a fucked up way to get closer and understand them better, and it grew on me. Not like I'm doing it a lot, wanted to treat myself tonight. Want some?"

To his astonishment, it does take Gabriel's attention away from the screens, as if he's considering the offer seriously - not that Jack would mind - and he leans in, hand trailing on Jack's shoulder for a moment and coming away with blood on the fingertips. Which he licks off.

One of the bites must’ve opened.

"No."

"Shit," Jack chuckles, pulling knees closer to his chest, resting his arms on them, just looking. "Could you just tell me what you are?"

"No. Probably never will."

"Suit yourself then, Knife-ears."

Soon afterward, Gabriel disappears in the bathroom and emerges back fully clothed, the suit so plain and unassuming it has to be worth its weight in diamonds, at least - and leaves without a word. Nothing about it bothers Jack, really, that's the only way he has ever known him to be: someone who's either rich or influential enough to never have had to conform to any social standards so they're like an alien concept to him. If anything, it tickles Jack's ego, the fact Gabriel spends both money and time on him regardless of his inscrutable reasons for it. And even if the time is scarce, the money comes in sums so high Jack’s not going to bother trying to figure the specific amounts out.

With a sigh, Jack plugs into his own pad, trying to ignore momentary vertigo any kind of connection, even the shallow one, gives him - waiting for Sombra to get to him. If she wanted anything from him, she always found him the second he jacked in.

The mental equivalent of a giggle has him rolling his eyes.

"You can say it."

"Boy, did you get screwed silly."

"I feel like I got some of my brain matter fucked out, that one's a freebie."

"What the hell are you eating now? Feedback from your tastebuds is giving me shivers."

"You too?" He bites off another chunk.

"What are you eating?" Sombra repeats, the tone akin to the one used towards a pet that definitely got into trash or picked up something suspect on the way.

"Almost raw meat."

"Interesting," she says after a pause. "Anyway, I'm done."

Jack flexes the free hand, clenching and unclenching his fist a few times.

"Not seeing any difference."

"You shouldn't because I know how to do my job. Also uploaded keys to the blocks, the data on the job, and you've got incoming charter on the roof in five hours."

"So I do have time for a bath then," he hums, smiling.

"Knock yourself out, I'm leaving you alone, you get weird in water."

"Thanks, Som."

"No biggie." Her presence warms up before blinking out, leaving Jack to sort through everything she's left behind both in, and on the pad. Processing plant, the floor plans from several flybys, one drone shot down by a spirit, two points of entrance, Genji on the spot, Jesse and him coming from the water with a few hours to spare, full carnage.

Jack smirks, pulling out the plug. Just how he likes it. He moves to the bathroom, the alarm set for two hours.

The bathtub is nothing spectacular, at best a tight fit for more than two people - still a fancy one with an array of controls barely anyone bothers to use. He picks the temperature and plays a bit with oxygenation and flow. Jack lowers himself into the water slowly, the cold playing havoc on the still sensitive synthskin. The nonexistent heat regulation of milspec freezes his joints with pain. All par for the course as he exhales before submerging in full.

And then, he breathes the water in.

The surface breaks with the remnants of the air pushed from his lungs. It's a poor man's substitute for the real thing but the pressure and the dampened hum of the surroundings, however dissimilar to a swim in the ocean, bring his mind some respite.

Running down the pier barefooted with the warmth of the sun on his back - jumping - the whiplash of the impact - diving deep, to look back from below at the light glimmering on the waves, the rays reaching for him - the hands reaching for him from the depths and pulling down.

With the sound of the alarm, Jack jolts up to a sitting position, coughing out the water. Another bout gets rid of the rest of it from the lungs, and he changes the temperature. The bath heats almost immediately.

The dream changes, but the ending remains always the same.

Head leaning against the rim of the tub, before properly washing, he spends minutes motionless except for the occasional shiver until his core warms up. Remaining two hours Jack idles away eating a late breakfast and not really watching some show on the holo while sprawled in the bed still smelling of sex.

Moving to the pad grants him some suspicious looks he can't fault people for because he does stick out here in his clothes like a sore thumb - and then surprise as his bracelet lets him pass through the gate and into the waiting Osprey with rotors running hot. A waste to use the craft fitted for carrying almost forty personnel merely for him, but he's not the one paying. At least, there's room enough to stretch his legs and to think very hard on how much he's unafraid of flying, his stomach doing backflips as it takes off.

The fact the crash might have been involved had occurred to him long ago.

Fifteen minutes in, Jack gives up and reaches out to Sombra, for which she ridicules him mercilessly but keeps him company. Getting angry helps to take his mind off of how fucking terrified he is. Even if he could run fucking laps inside the cabin, the changing tilt reminds him he's in the air, and the moment Osprey touches down three hours later, Jack's out like there's a pack of devil rats on his heels, relieved to have solid ground back under his feet.

Jesse, holding his hat down against the draft waves at him. The coyote stitched on his serape seems to stretch and yawn with the fabric moving, probably does so in truth, but Jack can never tell.

"Lúcio's finishing on the sub, we're going to drink tonight, coming too?"

Jack looks to the harbor and shakes his head.

"Not this time. I'll check the gear and maybe go for the swim."

"Dude, no, not in this water, trust me. Too much industrial, and many critters out here. Best case, you'd break out in boils after a dip."

"Can't be that bad."

"Well, Lúcio says that a pyramid had been hit hard some months back, there's been some runoff and an uptick in critters. Really want to chance it with whatever's in the water now?"

"Guess not." Jack shrugs, walking away from the powered down craft towards the only building on the pier.

"So how's about that drink?" The coyote on the red cloth sits down and scratches its ear. If he were to associate Jesse with any other spirit than it, he would be hard-pressed to find anything fitting.

"Pass. Just don't get in trouble with the locals. Or old pals."

"Hey, don't bring up my stalker vampire ex, the next time I see 'er, I have a stake with her name on it." Jesse throws his hands into the air, pausing in the doorway, letting Jack pass him.

"You know it doesn't work on her."

"It will slow her down."

"If you manage to stake anything vital."

"Oh, I will, because this," Jesse points to himself with a wide smile, "is absolutely irresistible to her."

Jack laughs, eyeing the crates set up inside.

"Yeah, there's no accounting for taste."

"Dude, harsh. Anyway, that's yours."

"Everything's in here?"

"I wouldn't know, I try not to touch your shit," Jesse gives an exasperated sigh while digging in his pockets for a cigar, the coyote snapping at it as he puts it between his lips. "Well, see you in the morning, dude," he adds before turning around. Jack nods, moving his attention to the boxes and working his way through their contents.

The story behind the coyote Jesse tells is as outlandish as the man himself, and a question for the ages of how he wasn't rad-insane or sporting another head. Yet.

In the German wasteland (the only place on earth one could be a real cowboy anymore, Jesse insisted), drunk off two shit beers because his ex fed off him earlier, and high on some local shrooms, staring at the dying campfire, the coyote came to him and took him on the trip. Jack would gladly chalk it up to alcohol, hallucinogenics, radiation, and exsanguination, all working in synergy - if not for the hard fact the coyote itself was very real, and as helpful as it turned out to be an impediment, or a bother, the other half of the time.

Methodically, Jack picks out the gear - the rest going back to their crates - and then he double-checks the selection, looking for any identifiable problems and defects. When he's finished and satisfied, it's well into the wee morning hours. He drags a random deck chair to the end of the pier and lays down in it. The city, as small as it is comparable to the majority on the coast, doesn't sleep - there is no escaping the lights and the sounds - but in his chosen spot overlooking more water than the land he can doze off.

If either Jesse or Lúcio notices him gasping for breath as they finish loading the sub, they don't mention it.

"I'm not hauling your shit," Jesse gestures to the container Jack left outside, by his chair.

"Hi, man," Lúcio smiles. "Also, I dig your new set, what's the specs?"

"You'd have to ask Sombra for technicalities, I'm only using them." Jack stretches, there's a kink below his left shoulder blade he tries to work out by rolling it. Almost manages to, too.

"Cool, will do. By the way, he tried to throw hands only once."

"Dude. Squeal much?"

"It's called being the responsible one," Lúcio shrugs and Jesse groans in response, muttering something sounding suspiciously like 'don't need a chaperone'.

"Sub's all ready?"

"She's right up purring now, the lady she is." Lúcio's eyes light up. "Nothing left to squeeze out."

"I'll hold you up to it." Jack gets up and drags the container to the sub, the box grating on the concrete, and brings it into the cabin, pushing it behind the seats.

"Oh, man, do that, love to see the data after you push her."

"Will do on the way back. Jesse, inside."

"That wasn't me sleeping when me and Lúcio were breaking our backs," Jesse snarks sliding into the pilot's seat, knowing well Jack's impatience and what they will use the spare time for. He doesn't mind, usually.

"Good hunting, guys." Lúcio mock-salutes as the hatch seals.

Before they're out of the harbor and submerged completely, Jack's out of his clothes, save for the boxers. Despite the sub being state-of-the art, with two people in it gets hot inside in less than an hour.

He starts on the sleeves, peeling them off slowly.

The synthskin underneath is still oversensitive, but no longer tries to overload his brain with conflicting or extreme stimuli. It just feels like blanched with boiling water and any negligible otherwise touch almost painfully tickles.

"Kinda creepy, like a snake's molt."

"Note to self, I look better with my skin falling off my frame."

"Hey, I'm just stating the bare facts. Fuck, ew!" Jesse leans away to evade the sleeve Jack waves in his direction. "Dude. No. That's uncalled for. I'm driving, I could crash us."

"Into what?"

"I'd find something!" It's either a threat, a promise, or a commentary on the nature of Karma.

"Out of the two of us, I'm the one who can breathe underwater, so..." Jack lets his voice hang as he reaches for the pillbox he left on the shelf earlier. It's a short debate if he should take one because even if he could take them as he felt like otherwise, risking going into implant rejection on the job was far from reasonable. As soon as the aftershocks fade, Jack leans back into the seat, lazily watching the water on the screen.

"And that's also creepy as fuck," Jesse comments, sounding a bit more somber. "You look like you just got your dick sucked off, every time."

"Honestly? Feels like it, every time."

"And you know what makes it even fucking creepier?"

"You're going to tell me and I can't stop it."

"Because this shit looks goddamn miraculous and I may have helped myself to some," Jesse begins, waving one arm in the air and Jack mutters that of course Jesse fucking did, "and they fucking don't work. And you know what's in them?"

"Not that interested as long as they work."

"It's people, dude."

Jack sends him a blase look.

"And you ate it."

"Yeah, but I didn't go looking like I creamed my pants after that."

"It's for implant rejection, so it only makes sense it has reconfigured genetic material in it. Also, do not eat my drugs, it's people."

Jesse grimaces.

"Dude, you made it sound weird."

"I made you getting into my stash of pharmaceutical drugs you personally can't get high off sound weird?"

"Dude, it's even weirder now. How do you do it?"

"What?" Jack chuckles. "You mean, use my brain, sometimes?"

Jesse mutters some expletive under his breath and Jack closes his eyes leaving it without comment as the whole chat makes him revisit more or less cloudy memories of the first months he's spent either half-conscious because of pain, or half-conscious because of drugs and pain.

At least, until the pill, and the moment when the pain finally went below the...

"Amida Bongo Christ Almighty!" Jack turns immediately at the sound of the genuine panic in the voice to see Jesse try to become one with his seat, pushing back with his feet against the floor, pointing at the screen where a shadow in the water comes into focus, massive, gliding with deliberation. "Of all the fucking things to run into, the Sea-Fucking-Dragon... we're all gonna die."

Jack kills the engine in his stead and swipes at the screen, focusing the image. He can't deny his own heart is hammering in his chest when he lets out the sigh of slight relief while trying to ignore Jesse's doom-saying.

"It's not her."

"What?"

"It's not her. Doesn't look like her, and it's much bigger."

"That's supposed to help us exactly how!?"

"Take her five hundred to the left," Jack, already climbing over the back of his seat and almost falling in a hapless heap on the container in the process, barks at him. "I'm going out."

"Are you fucking serious, dude? Of-fucking-course, you are!"

"Chance like this isn't going to repeat itself!"

"A chance to get fucking eaten by a dragon?"

"That too!" Jack locks the airlock behind himself and fits the propulsion module as it fills with water. There's no time to wait for the slow pressurization. When there's no air left inside, he forces the emergency release, pulling himself to the outside, and pushes away from the body of the sub.

"Dude." Jesse, switched to the comms, sounds appalled compared to the earlier panic, which is considerably better for the situation. "Did you just lewd a dragon?"

"Maybe possibly." Jack smiles, cutting across at an angle. "Remember, five hundred, match speed, if I do get eaten, go silent and wait, rendezvous with Genji, do the site rep, and then decide what you do."

"You're literally the last person who should give orders."

"Next to last. You're even less qualified."

"True what they say, the truth hurts."

The dragon is massive, its form much more suited to the open ocean than what footage of Sea Dragon there is shows of her. He's yet too far to discern if it has limbs or only the fins. It moves with a misleading slow grace, the powerful twists of the wide tail propelling it forward. Getting caught in the vortex of the currents pushed with each beat could be - is - deathly dangerous.

Smaller shapes swim with it, congregating around the middle part of its body.

At first, Jack takes them for merrows, they're known to attach themselves to big predators and form codependent relationships, but it's the perspective lying to him. They're bigger, more agile, gleam occasionally with reflective scales. A brood of young, maybe? If yes, the endeavor is even more foolish than in the beginning, but even that won’t deter him from undertaking it.

Two of the smaller creatures break away from the formation as he gets closer and approach, their tails swishing wildly in the water. Mermaids. Mermaids traveling in a pack with a dragon. Not something he had expected.

They're coming both from the above and the below, a male and an older female, judging by the scars and veils, still colorful but ripped and missing pieces. It's hard to keep up with their rapid movements. Jack curls his hands and legs to his body as they circle him.

"Please, don't bite," he tells them. "There's almost no meat and you will probably break your teeth on me."

The mermaids observe him warily. The female chirps once and turns back, the male following in her tow. She's green and yellow, the pattern reminiscent of the stripes on a perch or other fish known to thrive in greenery. When no light catches on her scales she blends with the deep green agate hue of the water, but Jack wonders if she's maybe better suited to sargassum forests. Her partner, on the other hand, with his solid canary yellow, stands out like a sore thumb - at least until both of them gain distance and rejoin the group amid some agitation from the closest mermaids, the reactions playing out like a change of direction in a school of fish.

It's his first close encounter with live mermaids since the accident, and he has been judged as neither a threat nor a meal. In this moment, Jack feels some of the rush bleed away, allowing him to slip into simple sensations, focus on them, and appreciate them: the steady pressure of water against every inch of his skin, the additional tension in his scalp when his hair, however short, drag with each movement, the cold seeping into him from the inside, the weightlessness - even if he knows his limbs would pull him much further down.

The ocean is far from silent - never silent - full of sounds he can hear with his ears, and the ones he cannot - he hears with his whole body - the symphony of the dulled hum of static and single notes played on different instruments, not unlike the sounds of traffic in its structure.

His eyes drift back to the dragon.

It's foolish. It's not borderline suicidal, it's just plain old suicidal. And he won't let a moment like this slip like air between his fingers.

Hand on the controls of the drive, Jack resumes the approach.

The dragon looms closer, its body at least thirty meters long from the tip to the tail, probably more. He can now see its limbs tucked close to the underbelly - the fins reminiscent of underdeveloped wings.

He swims parallel to its head, advancing.

Bone-like white crest covers its front. The black scales, even if they seem to have an inner shine to them, appear to consume the light voraciously. The dark red lines streaking along the sides twist and mold with each move of the powerful muscles hidden underneath.

Jack's heart does not fit into his chest, so hard it hammers against his ribs from the inside - with fear, with excitement, with awe - and that's before the low rumble resonates within him as the dragon opens its eyes, one after another, five of them on the side he's facing - each an abyss of darkness ringed with glowing red slowly focusing on him: an insignificant speck in comparison.

"God. You're beautiful."

No. It was a worthless descriptor when applied to the apex predator wrought with raw power both physical and not.

Sublime.

The dragon disregards him - its eyes swivel to look forward - he cannot fathom expecting to keep such creature's interest for longer than this. But it's also an invitation, he's considered to be harmless, hence nothing to bother with, and Jack slows slightly while swimming up. Above its bulk, he notices some mermaids just clinging to the body, clawed fingers curled around the edges of the scales. Stupid, again, but he is going to try the same: hitch a ride on a dragon.

The thought is intoxicating, sends his mind reeling with unsuppressed glee.

He dives forward, his fingertips brush the hard surface - with caution he digs his fingers underneath the scale - the other palm he lays flat against it as the propulsion module switches off.

Jack pulls himself closer against the current, that rush of underwater wind. Never has he wished for his limbs back more than now, to touch and feel with his real skin, not even when the bones that aren't his anymore burn with that deep ache that sends all the thoughts skittering away with no control. Instead, he pulls flush against its body, forehead pressed into the scales, each contraction of the muscle below them felt intimately.

At the moment, he doesn't count time, not until another rumble, one he feels against his skin, makes him realize almost two hours have passed.

He looks back to see the mermaids otherwise swimming try to grab onto scales as it continues. In the front, what he took for vestigial wings - the fins - slowly unfold to reveal skeletal-like frame filled in with dark ethereal filigree straining on the currents.

It's a profound kind of sadness Jack feels loosening his grip. Drifting - falling - sinking - away.

The wings spread and angle. The dragon's back winds up like a spring.

Then it soars underwater, deep in the ocean, each beat of the wings carrying it further away into darkness.

The rush of water pushed by the dragon sends him spinning. Jack instinctively curls his limbs to his core to wait it out, losing all sense of direction in resulting vertigo. When it stops, it takes him a while to orient himself, the leviathan nowhere to be seen anymore.

"Jesse, it's safe to approach. Can you get to my signal because I'm fucking lost?"

"I see you," the response comes with a delay. "Coming from your general six. Dude, do you know how much is the footage worth?"

"It's worthless." Jack turns around with a few kicks.

"All would kill..."

"You can't put a price on it, it will put a price on your life." He can see the incoming lights blinking for his benefit as they draw near. "And you want to put out there a proof of a dragon that had remained away from the public knowledge until now?"

"Fair, even I'm not that stupid. I think. With the way you put it."

Jack swims towards the sub and grabs one of the railings, pulling himself towards the airlock. Minutes later, he climbs into his seat, dripping water everywhere.

"Got what you wanted outta that one? Besides getting eaten?"

"I think I've found god," Jack smiles, genuinely. It's a memory he's going to treasure, one unlikely to be eclipsed by any other in the foreseeable future.

"You going to be one of them dragon-worshipping freaks? I've heard things, and none good, I say."

"Not like that."

"So," Jesse turns his head to look at him. "You want to dick down a dragon."

"When you get down to it," Jack starts carefully, eyeing Jesse with a certain degree of suspicion, "yeah, basically."

"Heard about that one club you can meet one, violet eyes and..."

"I don't want to dick down a dragon, I want to dick down this one."

"Okay. It's important to have goals in one's life. I'm not judging."

It's at this point that something about a much earlier conversation occurs to Jack and he stills before covering his eyes with his palm.

"Jesse?"

"Mhm?"

"When you said you have a stake with her name on it... Did you mean your dick?"

Jesse raises his eyebrows, makes finger-guns with his hands, and goes for a pithy imitation of 'badum-tss' sound.

"You fucking moron." And Jack can only laugh.

[adamsvanrhijn]

If you’re still doing the directors cut, would you be willing to do “strange how I fit into you (there's a distance erased with the greatest of ease)” from “York , October 1933” to as far as you want since it’s a long passage? Thanks!

moroh boy oh boy oh boy

ok wel it IS a long passage, so we’ll see how much i get through!

strange how I fit into you (there's a distance erased with the greatest of ease) by smithens

under cut for discussion of suicide + length

York, October 1933

so i chose october to be the Rough Month mostly because octobers i think... can be pretty rough? it’s the middle of autumn and things are starting to really turn colder and grayer, so the seasonal element hits harder, and that’s a factor here for thomas... an extrapolation from canon but not one that i think requires mental gymnastics.

The door creaks on its hinges as it shuts.

Before Thomas can think about what this means for him — all those lies he'll have to keep up with, more stories to get straight, it's never ending and he's just so tired — the bed is shifting underneath him and there's something (Mrs Ellis's knitted Afghan, or Miss Baxter's quilt) (no, there's yarn on his cheek, it's the Afghan) more round his shoulders.

Not just the blanket.

"What'd you need?" Richard murmurs. He is very, very close. "What can I do?"

one sensory element of being up to your eyeballs in depression & brainfog.... everything is hypersensitive but also you’re not entirely aware at the same time, so everything that happens to your body prompts another little mental loop that you’re too exhausted to deal with... that’s what’s going on here

richard could be better at being comforting; he second guesses himself... wants to get it right but the stakes are high if he doesn’t, so he errs on the side of caution and ends up overwhelming him more by making another Decision, although he does figure it out eventually

Thomas shakes his head. Tears prick at his eyes again, but he keeps them shut tight — seeing is the only thing he can put a stopper in, no matter what he'll still have to hear and feel things. No matter how much he wishes otherwise. Not much to see even if he wanted, though, it's the sun's just about gone down and he didn't bother to turn on a lamp before. Dark and cold, even with the curtains open. The days just keep getting shorter; working nights doesn't help. Maybe if it were summer…

more of the seasonal element; more of the sensory element

thomas in this scene is pretty high up on the suicidality scale (i’m leaving what happened before this starts up to interpretation bc that’s an important part of the scene) but he has come down a little now that richard is present. the headspace he is in here is more “i want to go to sleep and never wake up” rather than planning/desiring to actually kill himself, and he’s thinking Around it but not actually getting sucked in again, which is good but still a difficult and exhausting mental position to be in

"What can I do, Thomas," says Richard into his ear. He lies down behind him all the way and slings his arm across Thomas's chest, and the weight of it is soothing as much as it is suffocating.

He wishes he had it easier. That he could only feel one of those things at a time.

He wishes all of this were easier.

"What's happened? Has something happened you've not told me about?"

more richard not entirely Getting it... i think a big part of his character in this is he’s an answers guy, he tends to follow patterns, and as this richard has never been depressed he associates Sadness and Despair with something happening, whereas for thomas it’s almost the opposite where it’s associated more with inertia and malaise, everything’s bad and it’s all blending together, so thomas can’t exactly answer the question properly because while he did have a switch over he can’t pinpoint it, but he’s aware of his mental state as well as that richard doesn’t entirely understand it and that awareness doesn’t help him very much here

also i think spooning can be a very good comfort position so in this verse it’s a coupley thing that they do... the big spoon gets to be the comforter and the little spoon is the comforted

He shakes his head.

Richard takes his mangled hand out from under the blanket and holds it, squeezing tight. It makes his third and fourth fingers cramp, but that's something to feel that isn't dull and numb and nothing, so he doesn't mind it.

He does mind when Richard's thumb traces up on the inside of his wrist.

"Don't," Thomas chokes out.

He lets go.

"If," Richard starts, "if I hadn't come home when I did…"

richard is thinking what if and his actions are betraying that before his words are; thomas doesn’t like that it’s being drawn attention to

he strongly dislikes being vulnerable and finds it very viscerally uncomfortable even with richard, who is the only person he allows to get this close to him anyway

"But you did."

"Yeah," he says after a moment. "Yeah, I did, I – God, Thomas," and he buries his face into his back and shoulder and tugs him tighter with his arm, breathing heavily. "Oh, Thomas."

"It's too hard," Thomas whispers.

A small kiss at the nape of his neck, beneath his ear, at the corner of his jaw.

He barely feels them.

"I wish it weren't."

"I can't."

"I know."

desensitized! this is also when it finally clicks for richard what thomas’s needs here actually are and what the situation is at this point

It's Tuesday. Eventually they get out of bed. When he thinks Thomas isn't paying attention Richard jams the door latches and takes the shaving kits out of the washroom, rearranges the cupboards in the kitchen. Apparently he can't even be trusted in his own home.

the day of the week is brought up in the first four scenes of this fic (monday > friday/saturday > sunday > tuesday) because the anchor of the fic is domestic chores & the process of doing laundry; in this time period there was still an established order to doing this that like, both their mothers and every other woman they know would have followed (which is why it works for richard’s sister to do theirs for them in the first scene) and that thomas implements, so that’s the structure here. tuesday or wednesday is pressing & steaming.

thomas is attributing a sneaky element to richard’s actions here that doesn’t actually exist. richard is fully aware that thomas is paying attention when he does these things because he’s not taking his eye off of him for a second; thomas is in a frame of mind where he thinks that richard will assume, based on him being catatonic, that he is not paying attention, and thus will not pay him any in turn, because that is his experience when he is depressed... but that’s not how richard is, nor how their relationship is

richard is following best practices here but it’s the sort of best practices that makes the suicidal person feel like shit, lmao. eliminate opportunities for privacy + remove methods, “rearranges” is code for hiding/getting rid of poison and sharp things. also the shaving element in this & the companion piece is like a thinly veiled masculinity thing in addition to the mental health thing it also has

it is because richard knows, loves and trusts thomas that he is doing it, not because he doesn’t, but thomas isn’t in the right place to figure that out here

"You won't let me be useful," Thomas mumbles. He's seated on the floor at Richard's feet, a pathetic heap, wrapped in a blanket and with a mug of tea within reach, though he's let it go cold. The sofa is right there, and that's where he'd started, but sitting properly feels wrong, and he's not going to laze about in bed all evening. A few hours ago that was all he wanted. Things can change so quick sometimes.

sitting on the floor... the mood. he’s been there a little while, that’s what the tea is meant to indicate. he’s now conscious of himself and his surroundings enough that he’s back in to being Cognitive, analysing what is around him and what he wants. what he wants is to be useful and feel like he’s contributing, because he’s put a lot of his self-worth into that in the first months of them living together (they both have! it’s a source of conflict!) and now feels like that’s been taken away

one of the big parts of thomas’s canonical depression & suicide attempt is to do with him lacking a sense of purpose and feeling like he cannot contribute; in this scenario he feels that he has manufactured his contributions and he has tied his self-worth to them entirely. he’s very much given himself the impression, due to past experiences, the brain making patterns, that if he’s not useful (if he’s not perfect, in how he sets standards for himself) richard’s not going to want him around anymore. he thinks he’s made up his own worth basically and he expects richard to leave him / feels like he’s deceiving him, and that’s what prompts the spiral, it’s sort of about getting-it-over-with, and that’s also the element of his depression that contributes to the lack of sexual desire & interest that is referred to in the next scene of this fic as well as seen in richard’s pov in the companion piece... big feelings of fraud/imposter syndrome here

Richard doesn't look at him. Too busy pressing a collar. "You do this every week, Mr Barrow," he says. He only ever calls him that when he's flirting or trying to cheer him up or such like.

"And?"

pressing and steaming day! 

"And you might let me for a change," nonchalant in a careful sort of way. "You've just been burning the midnight oil a bit too often…"

"I've been working at midnight," mutters Thomas. They're short of staff: more nights for everybody. He had today off, and he'll have tomorrow off, and then he'll go in Thursday night and make himself useful somehow.

"You're not going back to work for seven to ten days," Richard says sharply. He sets down the iron. It probably needs to be heated again but he won't leave Thomas alone to do it. That's all they need, is him doing a shoddy job of the ironing… "You're ill."’

"I'm not ill – "

"No use arguing about it," interrupts Richard. "Settled it when I telephoned, wasn't even my suggestion."

Flu Lie.... richard telephoned thomas’s job

the iron is made of metal (iron!) and has to be manually heated to work

thomas’s concern about their household is still present even in the circumstances...

ok i’m getting sleepy i’ll publish this now bc you can’t really save asks as drafts properly and then i’ll get to the rest like, tomorrow lol

"Because you lied…"

"Thomas, you and I lie every day of our lives – "

He stops talking at the first sniffle. Somehow he manages to sit even after Thomas has slumped over with his head against his calves; he wraps his arms around him and takes his head into his shoulder. Thomas doesn't know whether he should feel guilty for allowing him to sit on the floor like he is or thankful that he wants to or both. "I'll take the week off, too."

"We can't afford – "

"We've got family," Richard says softly. We, he says, not I. "They'll look after things. That's what they're for, isn't it?"

"You can't quit everything for just me," Thomas says, hoarse. He's not sobbing; he doesn't have the energy for it. But he's not dry-eyed either.

"I can," he returns. "And I'm going to, Thomas."

"Why," he mumbles, "why, why, why," over and over, because that's the only question he's got in his head left to ask. He's not even sure he wants the answer.

"Because that's what I'm for," still so soft, when Thomas doesn't deserve that at all, "that's what I'm here for, love."

"'m not worth it."

Richard doesn't bother arguing with him. "I love you," he says. They don't say it very often; Thomas doesn't deserve him saying it now. "God, I love you."

"You shouldn't."

"But I do," breathes Richard, clutching him close. Nobody's ever held him like this before and especially not when he's feeling the way he is now. Somehow that registers for him. "I do," reassuring. "Fuck, I should've noticed – "

"Didn't want you to."

"I know, Thomas." He kisses his temple. "I know."

[hopefulfestivaltastemaker]

September 13, 2020

My weekly roundup of things I am working on. Topics include wildfires, exotic energy sources, speculative energy sources, the Biden housing plan, and creative outlets.

Wildfires in Oregon

Oregon, along with the rest of the West Coast, has been in the news for devastating wildfires that are still ongoing. This is certainly the worst I have experienced, much worse that the 2017 fires in California. Both Oregon and California are having their worst seasons on record.

In Oregon, it started last Monday, when a strong (and unseasonably early) east wind came over an already dry state, drying the air further and spreading fires rapidly. The Portland metro area experienced sporadic bad air quality on Monday and Tuesday, and it has been consistently bad since Wednesday. Today is no noticeable improvement. The weather forecast is for clouds on Monday and some rain on Tuesday, which should finally bring about some improvement.

So far there have been dozens of deaths in the West and several dozen more people unaccounted for and significant property damage. My guess is that most of the damage will be harder to see: the impact of the poor air quality on people who are already vulnerable. These events bring about yet more disruption in a region that has already been reeling from the pandemic, economic hardship, and civil unrest.

I made a facetious remark on Twitter about solar radiation management, but I really have been struck at how much the weather has cooled down. The temperature is at least 20 degrees (F) cooler than it should have been, due to soot particles reflecting sunlight. In my neighborhood, the light-sensitive streetlights are on during the day. I can look directly at the Sun without hurting my eyes. Needless to say, I will need to be convinced that any solar radiation management scheme will not significantly harm air quality before I will believe it’s a good idea.

If anyone is actually reading this, I would implore you not to use the fires merely as a talking point for your pet climate policy. This is something that irritates me greatly. In the immediate term, we need relief and a stronger firefighting force. In the medium term, we need better forest management practices. Greenhouse gas mitigation helps only marginally in the long term. Don’t try to tell me that building a bike lane in New York City is the solution we in the West are looking for. Once the fires are extinguished, most climate activists will lose interest in our land use needs and move on to the next disaster.

Exotic Energy Sources

This week I added an Exotic Energy section to Urban Cruise Ship. I had been considering this for a long time, and I went ahead and did it mainly because I have been stuck on some harder projects and wanted to do something relatively easy. There are no graphics planned, as I don’t see the topic as important enough to justify assigning more work to our graphics guy, but there are a few interesting things.

One recurring scheme is various ways to capture piezoelectricity, which is generated through pressure on a surface, such as when people walk over a plate or cars drive over it. One study in Australia found that with more advanced generators, an educational building at Macquarie University might recover 0.5% of its electricity usage by installing generators at high traffic points. With technology that was current at the time of the study, it’s probably more like 0.06%.

As for roadways, I cited several studies that report levelized costs of electricity in the range of multiple dollars per kilowatt-hour (wholesale prices tend to be in the range of 3-6 cents/kWh and retail on the order of 10 cents). The exception was a California study that reported 8-20 cents/kWh, which as far as I can tell is just an uncritical repetition of claims from the vendor. Also not discussed is the fact the source of energy is kinetic energy from cars, so unless the car is braking, the generators are stealing energy from motorists. We might as well be using diesel generators then.

If I were to make a guess, the pilot project is little more than California burning several million dollars on a patently unworkable scheme because of some marketing by a shady vendor. I’m all for trying bold ideas that are not guaranteed to succeed, but one must draw the line at ideas that clearly won’t succeed or where basic feasibility questions haven’t even been asked.

Biomechanical energy harvesting is an idea that got a bit of hype a few years ago, but now few people seem to still be interested. Making some extremely generous assumptions, I estimated that it would have a theoretical of about 1 exajoule per year, or about 0.2% of primary energy supply. More medium-case assumptions would cut that by at least a factor of five. Plus that doesn’t account for extra exertion required by the person or embodied energy in the devices.

There are probably some niche use cases for piezoelectric generators and biomechanical systems, such as low power distributed sensors and personal electronics respectively.

I even commented on the power from rainfall paper earlier in the year, an idea too silly to take seriously.

Speculative Energy Sources

But even with the above we’re not done. I decided to venture into the realm of speculative physics.

In quantum physics, even a system with zero temperature must have some latent energy due to the Heisenberg uncertainty principle. This has been termed the zero point. So naturally that leads people to speculate that zero point energy could be harvested for useful purposes. The near-consensus seems to be that this is impossible, that it must violate thermodynamics somehow, though I found it surprisingly difficult to find a rigorous explanation of why this is the case. This paper from 2019 is all I found, and even then, it only rules out two of three proposed ZPE extraction methods based on thermodynamic principles. Incidentally, the authors hold a patent on the third method and claim there is inconclusive evidence that it works.

Additionally, there is the NASA Eagleworks project to use the quantum vacuum to develop a spacecraft that can operate without onboard propellant.

There is a lot of interesting physics here that I don’t understand. I was expecting to write a short, dismissive comment for the website, but it would seem that ZPE is a legitimate area of scientific research. Maybe this will actually work for energy production someday. But there is no solid evidence yet, and any claims of a currently working ZPE device can be safely rejected.

Some other ideas that pop up, based in speculative physics, including hydrinos, neutrinos, quark fusion, and the ever popular perpetual motion machine. At least neutrinos and quark fusion are legitimate physics, but as far as useful energy production goes, these are all pathological ideas. I’ll add more as I see them. I briefly covered cold fusion a while ago on the Fusion page.

I expect that when the site is finally done, of the many things people could fairly accuse me of, not being comprehensive will not be one of them.

The Biden Housing Plan

Evidently I am a few weeks late, but the Biden-Harris campaign has a housing plan. The tl;dr is that there might be a few good things here, but I’m not too impressed.

When it comes to housing affordability, the principle I’ve tried to reiterate over and over again is that it comes down to supply. If there are 1,000,000 people who want to live in a city with a zoned capacity for 800,000, then 200,000 people will not be able to live there. It doesn’t matter if you impose rent control, eviction moratoria, inclusionary zoning rules, offer Section 8 or other subsidies, or whatever. As long as the supply is fixed, all these do is change the rationing mechanism from price to something else. Which, it must be acknowledged, is often the intent.

Traditionally, the federal government has a limited role in zoning. That could change of course; the federal government today has major roles in many areas where it previously had a limited or no role. As it is now, I see two plausible hooks for federal involvement in the near term. The first is the Fair Housing Act, where it can be argued fairly convincingly that zoning rules have disparate impact on protected groups, and in some cases intentional impact; and the second is to tie zoning reform to federal Community Development Block Grants or transportation funding, where reform is a matter of insuring that federal spending is actually used effectively.

The Biden plan calls for reinstatement of the Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing rule, which while imperfect, I think is better than what the Trump Administration decided to go with, which is nothing. As for the second, I momentarily got my hopes up when I saw that they were promoting legislation to do just that. But upon reading the details of the HOME Act (which was introduced last year but I was unfamiliar with until now), I see that the list of measures the bill calls for to promote “inclusive land use” are wide-ranging, and only some of them can reasonably be expected to increase the housing supply. It could be a good piece of legislation, but much rides on the implementation. Zoning reform advocates at the state level routinely underestimate the creativity that municipalities will show in evading the intent of their laws.

Anyway, there is a lot of other stuff here on racial discrimination, energy efficiency, and the Davis-Bacon Act (which probably makes housing less affordable by running up construction costs), but I won’t belabor the issues. All in all, it’s a plan that reflects the set Democratic interests pretty well, has a lot of stuff in it, and would do little to achieve broad-based housing affordability.

Creative Outlets

Like many people, I have been continuing to struggle with a variety of stressful circumstances. I took more time than usual this week on some creative projects, which has helped.

The newest one I am calling Project Epsilon, which for now is a maze generator. I’ve long had a fascination with generative content, and I would like to see how far the concept can be taken, but for now it is really just for fun. It is not deployed, but someone knowledgeable with Python and Flask in particular can download and run it fairly easily. Not that there is much to see yet. All it does it let the user input a few parameters and make a maze.

The other is Repair the Cosmos, which is deployed but hasn’t been updated publicly in a long time, despite considerable local activity. This is an incremental game that is meant to tell the story of humanity from the Paleolithic to the far future. I started it in January and have been working very intermittently since then, but I finally have a burst of creativity going for the first time in months. I still expect at least a few weeks before the next update, and I can only go for so long before I start feeling guilty about not doing real work.