#anyways this is alex’s pov
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lunior-art · 4 months ago
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me when i try to write poems (not great)
Unholy Devotion
I despise you.
Deep-seated hatred
Seeps through.
I despise you.
Every inch of your body
Screams sacrilege
I cannot stay true.
I despise you.
When your voice raw with worship
Pounds in my head
Begging for entry
Stirring ado.
I despise you.
Silent longing exchanged
Across the sea of devotees
Twists my beliefs
All I once knew
As I abandon my virtue.
I despise you.
For this love I cannot undo.
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creative-clawmarks · 5 months ago
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Love for the dead is called grief.
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KO-FI
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raceweek · 6 months ago
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alex albon in the garage ahead of qualifying at the hungarian grand prix
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thedeafprophet · 4 months ago
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Jamie's relationship to alcohol/drug is a complicated magter, even before...direct influence comes into play. So many factors come into play, many outside their own influence.
The social attitude at the time very much allowed them to be brought into contact with things at a younger age than they perhaps would have otherwise, not to mention how common it was in the social areas and artsy scenes they frequent, back on the surface and on the neath. It was and is practically expected of them.
We've all seen the texts about the bohemian faction after all.
This mixes rather poorly with Jamie's individual circumstances. Trauma and mental illness can make one vulnerable to these things. Combined with the unknown issue of highly impacting ADHD, Jamie leans often into fully unaware self medicating to help themself function in the day to day. A few times becomes habit, a process becomes routine, and they don't even realize what is ongoing until things are far, far too late.
And there's something to be said, for how those who are vulnerable and struggle with mental illness, can often be targeted by those who are predatory.
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justlightlysedated · 14 days ago
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So update, I have NOT finished the fic BUT since I did say maybe today, I decided to post an update! Here is the last 1/3 of Part Two, which is also known as "The Divorce Era" it is also WIP WEDNESDAY! So yay for me 😊
December 2019
Isobel is just walking through the front entrance of the hospital when her phone blares, sudden and loud. She tugs it out of her pocket and to her ear.
"What?"
"When you get here don't do any Jedi mind tricks," Kyle says without a hello. "I have to talk to you before anything else. Where are you?"
"In the front entrance," she responds and hangs up.
She has to stop herself from stomping forward and demanding to be told what is happening with Michael Guerin. But she trusts Kyle enough to wait.
She still doesn't understand how this happened.
They had been practicing with their powers more than usual, but it didn't make any sense for Michael to drop out of nowhere, publicly enough that the emergency services were called before anyone could do anything about it.
Kyle had recognized his description from the EMTs and had immediately called Isobel, telling her he'd do what he could to avoid exposure.
She spots Kyle coming out of the elevator and heading her way, walking fast. He grabs on to her elbow and begins tugging her forward. Isobel lets this go on until they're in the elevator and then she pushes him away.
"Can you please tell me what the hell is going on?" she demands. "And where is Michael?"
Kyle reaches forward and presses the button to stop the elevator before turning to face her.
"Has Michael ever told you anything about being married?"
Isobel snorts, wanting to laugh, but settling for shaking her head. "He's made comments about a husband before, but it's impossible that he actually got married without Max and I there."
Kyle exhales roughly, "Well either he was telling the truth or it's too late to do anything to keep Michael off the government radar."
Isobel clenches her hands together, resisting the urge to tear into Kyle's brain and find out the information that he has faster. The elevator creaks alarmingly.
"Okay," Kyle says, holding his hands out in front of him like he's trying to placate her. "I'm just the messenger here, okay?"
"Kyle," Isobel snaps. "I need a full and concise explanation in the next thirty seconds or else-"
"I can't access any of his records," Kyle says, cutting her off. "Everything from the stats taken at the scene to the oxygen mask put on his face have been put under lock and classified key. The chief of staff says that there was a military code on his file that puts all of his information on a highly classified need to know basis."
Isobel thinks that over quickly, "So what you're saying is that either they already know and there is nothing that we can do or Michael is married to someone high up in the military."
As soon as the words are out of her mouth, Isobel wants to smack herself on the forehead.
"I stand corrected," she says before Kyle can confirm or deny her previous statement. "There is someone that he could be married to without telling either of us."
Kyle gives her a look, and she raises an eyebrow back at him thinking, Alex Manes really loudly, and somehow it seems to work.
Kyle's eyes flash from realization to surprise to surprisingly, guilt.
Isobel would ask, but she pulls her phone out again instead. 
To Alex's credit he answers the phone almost immediately, "This is not a good time."
"Okay, when would be a better time for you to tell me that you're married to my brother?" Isobel asks as sickeningly sweet as she can manage.
Alex just sighs, "Good. You're here. I need to leave in ten minutes if I want to make it to my meeting in time."
Which meant that Alex was here in the hospital, when he was supposed to be halfway across the country chasing down Project Shepherd leads. Interesting.
"I'm signing all the paperwork, and once Michael wakes up they'll discharge him immediately, no tests or anything," Alex had continued speaking while Isobel wasn't paying attention.
"Alex," Isobel almost shouts, interrupting his flow. "You're married. To Michael."
"Yes," Alex says, sounding annoyed, like he doesn't understand why this needs to be a conversation that they need to have. "Technically separated. Fortunately he didn't actually file for divorce earlier this year so all of the precautions I took are still legible."
"Technically separated," Isobel repeats in a mocking tone.
She can feel the eye roll through the phone.
"Just get out of the elevator, and come over here," he says. "We're in room C118."
He hangs up before Isobel can say anything else.
She scoffs and pulls up Michael's information, but then decides she can berate him better in person.
"He said they're in room C118."
Kyle nods his head once, and presses two buttons, one to start the elevator again, and the other to get to the correct floor.
"So they really are married then?" He asks, sounding both like he wants to know the answer, but also like he doesn't.
"Apparently it's so obvious that Mr. Manes gets annoyed if you ask too many questions," she pauses for a second thinking it over. "Or is it Mr. Guerin as well?"
Kyle just groans and leans back against the wall.
"What's wrong with you?" Isobel asks.
Kyle is saved by answering when the doors open, but Isoebl stops him as they get out, pushing him into a secluded corner. 
"Are you secretly in love with Alex as well or what?"
Kyle splutters, shaking his head, "No. I mean, not that Alex isn't a great guy, and anyone would be lucky to be secretly in love with him-"
"Thanks for saying that Kyle," Alex's highly amused voice comes from somewhere to their right.
They both turn to look at him.
Usually, Isobel has nothing bad to say about Alex's wardrobe. But today it looks like he pulled clothes randomly out of Michael's closet. As a matter of fact, Isobel is sure that the dirty gray shirt he's wearing tucked beneath Michael's jean jacket is the same shirt that Michael had been wearing when she'd seen him last.
"What are you wearing?" Isobel asks, wrinkling her nose.
"My husband's clothes," Alex responds, like butter wouldn't melt in his mouth.
He grins while she gapes at him, momentarily speechless.
"Alex I'm so sorry," Kyle blurts out like he can't stop himself.
"For what?" Alex asks, giving Kyle a slightly suspicious look.
"You remember when you were in that accident a couple of days before you were kidnapped by your brother?"
Alex nods his head slowly, while Isobel furrows her brow. She had never heard about Alex being involved in an accident.
"Well, I forgot to tell you with everything else that happened, but I  kind of threwGuerinoutofthehospitalforclaimingtobeyourhusband."
He throws the words out as fast as he can, and then looks away, wincing when he catches Isobel’s eye. Isobel has half in mind to set him on fire, but she also didn't believe Michael when he told her that she was married. In her defense, she had thought she had all of the pieces of information. It wasn't until she talked to Max, a couple of years before Liz Ortecho stormed back into their lives, that she realized that there was one big blind spot in her reasoning.
Alex takes a second to get what Kyle was trying to say, and once he does he gives Kyle a look bordering on angry, but still amused.
"You could've just checked my file. He's listed as my next of kin."
And once again, Alex says the words in a way that sounds annoyed that he has to point out something so obvious.
Kyle winces at Alex's tone. And Isobel rolls her eyes.
"I'm sorry, " Kyle says again.
Alex just nods, "It's not me you owe an apology to."
He turns to face Isobel, "Everything is squared away. He's awake and just waiting for the paperwork. You guys can leave once the nurse hands you the paperwork, and a USB drive."
His eyebrows telegraph the importance of the USB.
Isobel just nods her head slowly, "So technically separated."
Alex sighs, "In the last eleven years, we've spent more time apart than together. This marriage has never been about our relationship."
Isobel opens her mouth to argue, but Alex just shakes his head.
"It's a safety net," he says, and Isobel stops speaking, eyes widening a little. "It means no matter what I'll be there for him."
"So it has nothing to do with the fact that you're in love with him or anything?" Isobel questions sarcastically because someone has to say it.
Alex rolls his eyes, "Your brother had ample time to file for divorce any time in the last year, and he failed to do so."
"I have to go," he continues before Isobel can ask another question. "Take care of him."
And he's gone before Isobel can tell him that she doesn't need him to tell her that.
---
Alex doesn't know why he expected that taking a meeting near Roswell would come with no consequences. He hadn't told anyone he was going to be around. He hadn't been planning on making a big deal out of it, which is probably why it's the day that Michael Guerin decides to stop being reliable and lands himself in the hospital.
Alex is only two minutes late to his meeting, and it sets the tone for the rest of the day. 
Alex is tired when he heads back to the house. He intends to sleep for a couple of hours and then pack up a few more necessities and leave.
So of course, when he gets out of the bathroom he hears a knock on the front door.
Alex closes his eyes and breathes in deeply. There is only one person that could be. Well conceivably there are five people that could be. But it's narrowed down to one since there is only one person who wouldn't wait for Alex to open the door before opening it himself.
Alex ignores the new person in the house and drops his dirty clothes inside of the washer and puts it to wash. Luckily the machine is loud enough that it'll remind Alex to put the clothes to dry before he falls asleep.
He walks out of his bedroom, and finds Michael sitting on the edge of the couch, elbows resting on his knees as he hunches over, looking down to the floor. He's still wearing Alex's shirt, that they'd switched at the hospital, after Alex had seen that there were spots of blood on his. They wouldn't take his shirt, but better safe than sorry.
Alex spots the thick folded stack of paper on top of the table and tries, very, very hard not to sigh.
"Tag you're it," Michael says, straightening up and looking at Alex.
He looks tired, but better than he did when he was lying back in a hospital bed. Alex had never wanted to see Michael in one. 
"You lied to me," Alex says, instead of grabbing the divorce papers and shoving them into the paper shredder in his office.
Michael shrugs, "I didn't lie exactly. I just let you believe what you wanted to believe."
Alex doesn't stop the sigh that falls out of his mouth this time.
Alex really only has himself to blame here.
"I don't understand why you couldn't just file them," Alex says, maybe a bit plaintive. He gave the papers to Michael for a reason.
Michael shrugs and leans back on the couch, "My reasons for marrying you haven't changed."
Alex makes a face at his own words being used against him. Especially since they were now, somehow, on opposite sides of this fight, once again.
"But your dad is dead now," he continues, trying to look nonchalant, but Alex can see right through him. "So all of your reasons are void. So you shouldn't have any more issues."
Alex walks away from him, heading towards the kitchen. He cannot have this conversation sober.
Michael walks into the kitchen when Alex is done pouring some bourbon into two glasses.
Alex grabs his glass and downs his drink, thinking about pouring himself another when Michael pushes his glass closer to Alex with just a flick of his fingers.
Alex grabs the glass and downs the drink before he can second guess himself.
Alex sets the glass down and turns to face Michael, who leans back against the island counter facing Alex.
"Why did you lie to me?" Alex asks before Michael can say anything.
Michael sighs, "There just never seemed to be a time to go do it, and if I'm being honest, there was never a reason important enough to do it."
Alex doesn't say that Michael just spent months in a serious relationship with someone else.
"And also I wanted to see if you would come when I called if you thought I wasn't your husband," he says, grinning at Alex as though it's a joke.
Alex wraps his fingers around the bottle of bourbon, tempted to pour himself another glass.
Michael reaches out and wraps his hand around Alex's, stopping him from moving.
"Michael," Alex says, because he doesn't know what else to say.
"Alex," Michael responds in the same tone.
They stare at each other in silence for too long minutes. Alex's hand tingles where it's trapped beneath Michael's, and his eyes drop to Michael's lips, that part as he stares as though Alex's gaze is a physical touch.
Alex vividly remembers the last time that he kissed Michael and he wishes he didn't.
"You were in the hospital today," Alex says, slipping his hand out from beneath Michael's and taking a step back.
"Extenuating circumstances," Michael says immediately, leaning heavily against the counter.
"Still, the only reason that you’re not playing lab rat is because of the special privileges granted to you by our marriage."
Michael opens his mouth, a familiar teasing look on his face, but Alex cuts him off before he can say anything.
"Don't."
Michael just lifts his hands in the air in mock surrender, pushing away from the counter.
Michael stuffs his hands into the pocket of his jeans, rocking back on his heels.
"So," he starts stretching out the o sound.
"So," Alex repeats shortly. "It seems like we're at an impasse."
They stare at each other in silence once again, but Alex is unwilling to break it this time. Because he might just cross the space between them and kiss him.
Luckily, Michael speaks before too long, "I know you're going to leave again."
Alex inhales sharply.
"But I know you're coming back," Michael continues, taking a step closer to Alex, who remains frozen, staring at Michael like he's prey in the eyes of a predator. "And maybe you'll go on dates with someone else, and maybe you'll fall in love."
Michael looks away at that, and only then does Alex feel like he is breathing again.
"But whether you file those papers or not, once you've figured out exactly what it is that you want, I'll be here."
He turns back to face him at those last three words, and Alex finds himself trapped all over again.
"And this time we won't have the excuse of not being able to communicate," he continues, pulling out a piece of paper from his pocket and placing it on top of the counter. "You can reach me anytime."
"You expect me to believe that you actually got a phone that you're actually going to use as intended and not as a paperweight?"
Michael rolls his eyes, "Answering the phone might be difficult sometimes, but if you text me, I'll always answer back."
Alex scoffs at that. 
If Michael doesn't answer the phone immediately, he can be counted on to call back anywhere between five to nine business days, if he doesn't by then, he'll never do it. And texting is definitely out of the question when it takes him ten whole minutes to type out a single sentence. Alex has seen it happen, and has seen the frustration on Michael's face.
"It's a phone better suited for texting," Michael says, grinning when Alex's eyes dart up to his surprise. "Izzy came with me when I got it."
Alex shakes his head, but he reaches out for the piece of paper anyway.
Michael's smile gets a little wider, "So, call me or text me, whenever you want. And maybe, we can be friends?"
Alex gives him a look at that.
"To start with," he continued, smile turning sly. "And eventually, I'll ask you to either renew our vows one more time, or to marry me again."
Alex stutters out a disbelieving laugh, feeling warmth flicker in his chest in spite of himself. "Oh is that how it's going to be?"
"Yeah," Michael says, easily. "And when that happens, I'm never giving you the chance to file for divorce again, so you should probably do it while you still have the chance.
"But while we're still here," he continues, moving in too close, too fast and pressing a kiss to Alex's cheek. "Happy Anniversary, Mr. Guerin."
Alex gasps, heart thundering in his throat, as Michael leans away and smiles at him.
And because he absolutely needs to have the last word always, he rocks backwards and away, "See you later, Private."
He waves as he goes, smiling all the way, entirely too sweet. He walks down the hall and out the front door, humming a familiar melody that sends Alex's heart tripping all over itself.
Alex barely resists the urge to follow him out and press him down against the side of his truck.
Alex would like to bristle at the implication that no matter what he decides to do he's gonna end up married to Michael, but he'd be lying to himself if he didn't feel happy about the thought.
Alex shakes his head and glances at the bottle of bourbon.
The alarm for the washing machine goes off, signaling that it's done.
Alex takes it as a sign that he's not supposed to drink any more, and sets about to clean up the kitchen, washing the glasses and putting the bourbon away.
March 2020
Forrest really likes Alex. 
If he didn't, he wouldn't have waited almost a full year for him to return back to Roswell so they could actually give this dating thing a try. 
Forrest is not naive, and he hadn't wanted to start something with Alex when he was just coming to terms with being more open with his sexuality. Not to mention the fact, still very obviously getting over his previous relationship. So he'd told Alex that they'd talk when he got back, and had kept communication open the entire year. And he'd felt like they had gotten closer, and that Alex was ready to actually be in a relationship with him.
That was until he realized how stuck to his phone Alex still was. How it seemed like he was keeping secrets. Secrets that involve Michael, who Forrest has been reliably informed by multiple sources, is the first love of Alex's life.
It's not that Forrest actually has a problem with Michael or Michael and Alex being friends. His only issue is all of the secrecy. Everything he's learned about Alex's past relationship with Michael has been by accident.
And sometimes he wished that Alex was more open about it.
He followed Alex home after their date, that wasn't a date since Alex spent half of it frowning at his phone like it had personally offended him and the other half playfully bantering with Isobel and teasing Kyle when they'd dragged their table over after they'd gotten sat down.
Forrest wasn't mad at the impromptu company for dinner. But there was an important conversation he had wanted to have with Alex, something that really couldn't wait since he was leaving tomorrow and had yet to pack anything. Which was the main reason he'd followed Alex home.
Alex gets out of his car, and inclines his head towards the house. Forrest almost scrambles out of his car going after him.
Alex stops before opening the front door, picking up a package from where it was on top of a stool that was just to the left of the front door.
Alex doesn't say much, asking him if he wants something to drink as he lets them both into the house, which Forrest accepts since it means that Alex doesn't expect him to leave.
At least that's what he thinks until Alex pulls out a glass jug filled halfway with lemon and cucumber slices floating in water.
Forrest stares in silence as Alex fills two glasses, and then sighs as he sets the jug down and pulls his phone out of his pocket. 
"We need to talk," Forrest blurts out.
Alex takes a moment to look away from his phone, brow furrowed, before he seems to understand what Forrest said.
His face clears and he sets his phone down. Forrest's eyes drop to it, and he sees the dark screen light up with a new message, the notification totalling to 8 new messages.
Forrest's eyes darted away from the screen and to the package that was resting on the counter. The box looked old, and it was tapped together haphazardly, and instead of a shipping label, there were letters and numbers scrawled on the side: cat:mg:work22.
He looks back to Alex who is once again frowning at his phone.
"Have you thought about what I told you?"
Alex looks away from his phone and frowns at Forrest instead, finally giving him an emotion other than pleasantly passive.
"Which part are you talking about?" Alex asks, like he's confused.
Forrest thinks back to this moment as the moment that he actually realized that he and Alex weren't going to last much longer. But he also thinks that the signs were there from the very beginning.
"It's only one thing, Alex," he replies, putting a hand on the counter and leaning closer. 
Alex just looks at him like he's still confused about what Forrest is trying to say. 
His phone rings then, and Forrest barely sees the blurry contact picture as Alex snatches the phone up. But he'd recognize that cowboy hat anywhere. 
Alex doesn't answer the call immediately, even though it's obvious that's what he wants to do.
"Can you just give me a second?"
Forrest usually would, but he's leaving tomorrow, and Alex seems less than concerned.
"Don't you think answering your boyfriend's question is more important than answering a random phone call?"
Alex's face shuts down in a way that catches Forrest by surprise.
"Okay," he says nodding once, holding his phone tightly in his hands. 
"First of all, you know enough to know that any random phone call could be an emergency."
And really, Forrest should've stopped him there and apologized or something, but Alex just kept talking before he could think of anything else to say.
"Second of all," Alex continued, holding up two fingers. "We're not boyfriends, we went on a couple of dates. Boyfriends is something that we'd have to talk about and what would be the point of doing that when you're leaving tomorrow."
The pointed barb paired with that pointed look is what finally makes Forrest speak.
"So, I guess that's your decision then," he says, feeling upset, but not as much as he'd thought he'd be. "You're not coming with me."
Alex's face cracks a little, and he gives Forrest a complicated look, "I'm letting Deep Sky recruit me."
The words were both surprising and not.
"I'm sorry," Alex says before Forrest can process what he's saying. "But I really have to take this call."
He's making a hasty exit out of his kitchen before Forrest can stop him.
"Is this a life or death situation?" Alex asks as he answers the call, and Forrest doesn't hear a door opening or closing, so he doesn't feel guilty about leaning against the island counter and listening to the conversation.
"I'm listening," he says, and Forrest can see him, leaning back against his closed door, face tilted, eyes closed.
Forrest turns back into the kitchen, eyes darting around everywhere looking for a distraction, and he finds another box sat upon another stool that matches the one that was by the front door. This one was labeled cat:ag:pers33.
Resting on top was an unlabeled folder with several sheets of paper poking out of the top.
He's debating whether or not to go snooping, when Alex laughs, at whatever whoever is on the other side of this, important could-be-an-emergency phone call was saying.
He finds himself opening the folder before he can tell himself that it's a bad idea.
And if he'd thought things between them were over, this was definitely the final nail in the coffin.
It takes him a second to realize what exactly he's reading, even though the words, Dissolution of Marriage don't leave much to interpretation.
Forrest stares at the name Alexander Guerin for so long that he startles when he hears Alex speaking from behind him.
"Sorry about that, what were we talking about?"
Forrest barely hears what he's actually saying, "You were married to Michael?"
"Still married," Alex corrects absently. And it's the casual way that he says the words that has Forrest whipping around to face him.
Alex isn't even looking at him. He's staring at his phone reading a message that was probably from Michael after spending the entire evening being distracted by messages, probably from Michael, who was also probably the same person who he just finished talking to on the phone.
Michael. Who is apparently Alex's husband.
"Still married?" Forrest repeats, and Alex looks up then.
His eyes drop to the folder still in Forrest's hands and an exasperated look comes over his face.
"Have you ever heard of the word privacy?"
"Have you ever heard of not answering a question with a question?" Forrest parries back, almost desperately.
Alex rolls his eyes and stuffs his phone in his pocket.
"Yes," Alex says. "I am married to Michael. Technically separated. But it doesn't matter."
"You think it doesn't matter that you're married while dating someone else?" Forrest asks, feeling not for the first time that he has no idea who Alex really is.
"Yes," Alex says like it should be obvious, walking forward and holding his hands out for the folder.
Forrest doesn't want to give them to him, but he also doesn't want to keep holding them.
He passes the folder over while Alex keeps speaking.
"If our relationship had become more serious I would've said something, but there's no point now."
He stands at attention, folder closed and set aside, and Forrest didn't even realize just how open Alex's body language had been towards him, until this very moment, when he saw how closed off he was.
"Because you're not coming with me," Forrest says, just to get a direct clarification.
Alex just inclines his head without speaking.
"Because of your husband?" Forrest questions, needing to be sure.
Alex sighs, "Yes, but not in the way that you're thinking. And not in any way that I have to justify to you. Not anymore."
Forrest shakes his head, feeling both wrong footed and like he should've seen this coming a mile away.
"So that's it then," he says, trying not to sound as hurt as he feels and most likely failing by the look on Alex's face. "We're done."
"I am sorry," Alex says, sounding sincere. "I really wanted this to work."
"Did you really?" Forrest finds himself asking before he can stop himself. "Or were you just stringing me along until your husband decides to take you back?"
Alex scoffs at that, lifting an eyebrow and shaking his head, "That's not fair."
"Isn't it?" Forrest demands taking a step towards Alex. "You string me along for a year, and then once you're finally home, and we can start making things work, you're too distracted by your phone to pay attention. And I really don't have to guess to know that it's your husband on the other end."
"Stop calling him that," Alex snaps. "Michael and I don't have a conventional relationship. We've never even really lived together. Our marriage is on paper only. For reasons that once again, aren't any of your concern.
"And it doesn't matter anyway," he continues. "Even if you hadn't found the papers, this would've still been over. Because you're leaving, and I'm staying."
Forrest scoffs, "And is that the same sentiment you gave Michael when you left when you were eighteen?"
He knows it's a mistake even before he says the words, and instead of provoking Alex, all it does is make him shut down entirely.
"Okay, I think you should leave," he says, moving so that he's not standing in Forrest's way, but also not turning his back to him.
Forrest wants to stay and he wants to fight. He wants to beg Alex to give him an actual chance. But Alex doesn't look back at him, and he knows that whatever small chance he had at making this work died long before tonight.
He exhales harshly, "Goodbye Alex. I hope you have a great life."
He walks away before he can say anything else, and the sound of deafening silence follows him out of the house.
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hertwood · 1 year ago
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i belonged to you (all you had to do was look at me) (2.9k, girl!Alex/Logan, Explicit)
"I like it when you beg." She hears herself, knows he can probably hear the lust in her voice too. "I can beg." His voice is breathy and wrecked when he speaks. His hands are balled into fists in his lap, and he's still looking at her, eyes as wide and wanting as ever. Like he's waiting for permission.
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patron-saints · 2 years ago
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crawl like a sinner (a riza/lust fanmix)
falling in love with someone who could never love you back is the exact kind of curse lust would wish upon her worst enemies. it is also something she thought she’d never experience.
listen on: spotify or youtube cover art in collaboration with: @amotleycrew
——— tessellate - alt-j triangles are my favorite shape / three points where two lines meet gimme what i want - miley cyrus pleasure leads to pain / to me they’re both the same hatchet - archive you could aim between my eyes and i’d still be yours to have looking too closely - fink truth is like blood underneath your fingernails / you don’t wanna hurt yourself hearts a mess - gotye but i’m desperate to connect / and you, you can’t live like this  hold me tight or don’t - fall out boy when your stitch comes loose / i wanna sleep on every piece of fuzz and stuffing that comes out  piece of shit - wet leg  and you are not in love, but it’s close enough  did it to myself - orla gartland now you're living in my memory / living in my mouth / living in the four fucking walls of my house october - the crane wives take my word, but keep the upper hand / i know you, you're the daughter of a lonely man blood orange - freya ridings could a life be like this, even with you?
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squarebracketsmileyface · 8 months ago
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Chapter 3 of If It Ain't Broken is currently 8.7k, whoops. It's all for a good cause though, that cause being: showing that Jay can be a manipulative little shit.
he's not doing it thinking "okay I'm going to manipulate them" but he is trying to get them to reassure him that he isn't manipulative by using words and a panicked tone of voice that makes them want to look after him? Like, he's doing it purposefully, but he's not consciously thinking "okay I'm going to manipulate them into telling me I'm not manipulative," if that makes sense?
he hates being called manipulative so obviously he is genuinely upset, but he's still being manipulative to get his friends to reassure him?
Like this
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not-poignant · 2 years ago
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I feel so much for poor Alex, especially after reading your replies in the last chapter about Sebastian's thinking and motivations (If you don't mind, can you explain a little more about Sebastian's thinking last chapter?). But omg congrats to Alex for standing up for himself and being firm for once! Sebastian absolutely deserved getting the door shut on him lol it must bug him big time that he's not getting straight (badum tss) answers and he's left to work out his new revelations on his own 😂 but it's so interesting seeing him going from bully mentality the day before to defensive and then concerned realization, especially suspecting that Alex has kept it a secret from even his own grandparents and Haley. He seemed so upset about that.
And man I hated that Abigail just blatantly stared at Alex and made a point to not even look away when he looked at her. Ugh that upset me so much! I hate people who do that in general, and then knowing how she feels about him, it's so hostile.
Thanks for another amazing chapter!
Hi hi hi anon
Okay so, Sebastian's thinking in the last chapter was complicated and very dissonant but the cliffnotes are:
He was around his friends, and he was in a different mindset because of it. He wanted to not be humiliated in front of them, but he also kind of...goes into a space which is not necessarily very nice either. Frankly because some of his friends (*cough*Abigail*cough*) aren't very nice either.
He was worried about how it would go. He knew his friends were coming over when Alex would be there, he could have rescheduled and he chose not to. He was nervous.
He wanted to spend time with Alex but had also been avoiding him for a week because of their last talk resulting in Sebastian realising that he'd really hurt Alex and then immediately going into an avoidant/denial space about that.
He wanted to test what 'having Alex over as a cleaner while I have friends over' actually felt like.
He wanted to see if Alex was actually going to humiliate him, because he's been stressed about that even though he's simultaneously been pretty sure it won't happen.
And a tiny part of him did actually want to humiliate Alex.
So we start there! I'd say there was more going on for Sebastian than that, but this is a good start. :D
But omg congrats to Alex for standing up for himself and being firm for once! Sebastian absolutely deserved getting the door shut on him lol it must bug him big time that he's not getting straight (badum tss) answers
I mean it does bug Sebastian that he doesn't get straight answers because Alex is communicating passive aggressively and in an extremely toxic manner. Like, that should aggravate people, it's not polite or good to treat people the way Alex treats Sebastian when he talks or communicates like that, even if we sympathise with him. Leaving people to work stuff out on their own when you want to actually have a meaningful connection to them is a shitty thing to do, especially since Alex could have literally started the conversation with 'I want you to leave, and I don't trust talking to you about this' as soon as Sebastian brought up what he did.
Alex chose to be passive aggressive. He chose to be monosyllabic and resistant. He enjoyed baiting Sebastian and he enjoyed making him angry until it scared him too much and he changed his mind. This isn't...reasonable, healthy behaviour. It feels satisfying to us, and it gives us a glimpse into why so many people choose toxic communication styles over healthy ones, but yeah, Sebastian certainly has good reasons to be annoyed by Alex's communication style, because Alex's communication style is unhealthy.
(Like, Sebastian's not healthy either when it comes to communicating, my point is that like... Alex created a situation where Sebastian kept escalating. Alex wanted him angry and distressed and he only acted 'maturely' when he was triggered, and showed almost no sympathy for Sebastian's confusion, distress and uncertainty. It was very much a 'I feel hurt, now you're going to' - because it doesn't occur to him that Sebastian might be feeling plenty lost already if he's come around late at night after his friends have gone home because he's worried/afraid that Alex might be somehow trying to hurt his friend David specifically due to homophobia and wants to make sure that's not the case. Sebastian has been bullied by Alex and specifically in homophobic ways, he has no reason to think Alex had good intentions re: David - Alex became triggered, Sebastian came over because he was also triggered).
-
And man I hated that Abigail just blatantly stared at Alex and made a point to not even look away when he looked at her. Ugh that upset me so much! I hate people who do that in general, and then knowing how she feels about him, it's so hostile.
It really is! Unlike Alex and Sebastian, who are - in some ways - both as bad as each other, she was just straight up rude and had no reason to be.
(I'm actually pretty Abigail critical in general lmao).
Thanks for another amazing chapter!
Thank you for reading :D :D
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capinejghafa · 1 year ago
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it took awhile but i finally finished ninth house. while the beginning was rough because the balance of the story felt like it was trying to be too much. like it's a good fucking story, but weighed down by it's own ambition.
however, once the story started to settle on solely alex, i enjoyed so much more. i'm guessing darlington's parts were necessary to understand his importance, but his story could've been a novella.
still a rather enjoyable ride.
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brittlebutch · 2 years ago
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turns out when you invest a huge amount of time learning details about a media you eventually reach a point where you stop being able to enjoy a significant number of jokes that other fans will make - this does not make you superior to these other fans, it mostly just makes you annoying (this is a vague post about myself)
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neon-danger · 1 year ago
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All hail Lord Alex the Great I suppose
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sandycookie · 1 year ago
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While I was writing this line randomly popped into my mind:
Alex sighed, wistfully and gremlinly, "I miss my country, so I wrote fanfiction of it."
i love my brain sometimes
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thedeafprophet · 28 days ago
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Josephine would go to January during it. when Alex is gone, the machines influence too strong, her other ally knocked out and bed ridden for the moment, and an enemy brought forth into the matter.
of course she seek out January for guidance.
I just don't know if January would be willing to help. to risk all that for one person is one thing... but perhaps it's the personal matter that leaves her untethered.
but, as February already learned, Josephine cannot be dissuaded once her mind is set to something
* vibrates * I think fundamentally, January's viewpoint of Josephine is flawed no matter how much is between them, because January can't help but internally compare Josephine to June and all that went wrong there.
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hertwood · 1 year ago
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'wow i can't believe this fic is turning into an internalized homophobia study' like i didn't post this 5 months ago
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lewisvinga · 1 year ago
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because i liked a boy | carlos sainz x fem! reader
part two.
summary; an unnecessary hate train all because y/n liked a boy
fc; nicki nicole
warnings; death threats, kys comment, slut shaming, cursing , carlos kinda eh here sorry 😣
notes; requested! i would’ve used sabrina carpenter as a fc but i love nicki nicole sm i had to use her 😣
masterlist !
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liked by carlossainz55, alexandrasaintmleux, and 1,003,028 others!
yourusername: 🖤
tagged; carlossainz55
carlossainz55: mi amor ❤️ tq ❤️ [ily]
yourusername: tqqqq🥹
username: so this is carlos new girlfriend? 💀💀
username: oh!
username: well….
username: TE AMO Y/N!!!!
username: out of all ppl you love her??😀
username: she’s prettyyy
username: she’s cute ig😕
alexandrasaintmleux: pretty girl 💗
yourusername: ily!!!
username: alex, run!!
username: didn’t carlos JUST break up w isa ???
username: like 2 weeks ago, i 100% believe y/n is a homewrecker 💀💀
username: baby she’s a whole slut 💀
username: not liking this dark aesthetic, isa was classy and cute this is something else🤢
username: no way this is carlos type 😭😭
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liked by yourusername, charles_leclerc, and 1,604,938 others!
carlossainz55: vacaciones 🏝️ [vacations]
tagged; yourusername
yourusername: mi amorrrrr 💗
carlossainz55: ❤️
yourusername: the last picture 😭 you’re so unseriouss
carlossainz55: but you love it 🥸
username: hard launching your new relationship 2 weeks after breaking up w isa?? hmmm suspicious
username: CARLOS VACATION PICS!!!!!!
username: ew y/n
username: yall are haters🥱🥱🥱 she’s gorgeous and talented asf !!
username: i knoww, these bitter fans should stay away from her😒
username: we’re not bitter, we’re just telling the truth, isa was 1000x better than y/n🤢
username: this would’ve been such a good post without y/n😒😒😒
username: we miss isa!!!
username: isa was the best wag come on now
username: she’s such a slut
username: why are you dating a homewrecker ???
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liked by carlossainz55, itsyoungmiko, and 1,034,203 others!
yourusernams: a week w my faves
tagged; itsyoungmiko, pesopluma & 6 others!
username: not her hanging out w her ex during a race weekend….
username: her and peso pluma were never datingffggg it was a rumor 😭😭😭
username: no carlos???
username: not her missing carlos win just to hang out w her ex 😕
carlossainz55: ❤️ liked by yourusername !
username: we can save you carlos!!
username: hanging out w all those guys, she’s such a slut
username: carlos doesn’t deserve you!!
username: isa is 10x better, she dresses and looks better, is a supportive girlfriend, and doesn’t miss wins just to hang out w a bunch of guys! what a slut you are
username: i think the world would be better without you
username: kys
username: slut!
username: girl just break up w carlos atp we know you’re just a rebound😭😭😭😭
the comments on this post have been limited!
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y/n 💗
you know i’m tired of this, carlos.
carlos❤️
mi vida [my life], you know i can’t do anything
y/n 💗
yes you can??
just one post clarifying that you broke up with isa weeks before announcing it publicly and way before you started dating me??
and that YOU made the first move, not me
carlos ❤️
it’s not easy you know
i’m a big public figure, i can’t just post things whenever i want
y/n 💗
carlos, so am i
i have a pr team too
but if MY fans were attacking you and sending you death threats, i would post something anyways
carlos ❤️
it’s not the same, amor
y/n 💗
your fans are constantly comparing me to isa, they’re constantly slut shaming me for even appearing in the back of a picture of yours or for hanging out with my guy friends
they’re sending my death threats , telling me to kms and you won’t do anything?
carlos ❤️
it’s complicated, please, amor
i can’t control them, a post won’t change their mind
please, just calm down and we can talk more when i get home
y/n 💗
okay, fine
yourusername uploaded to their story!
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[caption 1; back in the studio 🎧] [caption 2; pov: after pulling an all nighter in the studio😵‍💫 ]
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liked by lilymhe, alexandrasaintmleux, and 1,029,928 others !
yourusername: ‘because i liked a boy’ out now.
lilymhe: AHHHHH
lilymhe: FINALLY
lilymhe: ur talented i love it and i love you 💗💗💗💗😞😞😞😞🥹🥹🥹🥹
yourusername: i love uuuuu
alexandrasaintmleux: so amazing n talented 🩷 been on repeat all day!! love you!!!
yourusername: i love you!!!
username: MOTHERR
username: y/n nation , WE’RE BACK!!!
username: carlos didn’t like???
username: fuck the haters bby ur better then them all😩
username: carlos didn’t like or comment 🫤🫤
username: she ate w this one i fear
username: gagged those bitter carlos fan girls 😭
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liked by carlossainz55, lilymhe, and 1,098,726 others!
yourusername: thank you everyone for all the love and support 🩷 and thank you for my girls who have been by my side 💗🫂
tagged; lilymhe, alexandrasaintmleux, carmenmmundt
lilymhe: WE LOVE YOUUU🫶
lilymhe: we need a girls night every night 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩
yourusername: i agree 😩
alexandrasaintmleux: always by your side , pretty girl!! 🫂
yourusername: luv luv u🫶
carmenmmundt: all we need is a couple glasses of wine and we tear up the night
carmenmmundt: always by your side 4eva 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🫂
yourusername: i’m not complaining🙈
username: who needs men when you have your girls liked by yourusername !
username: hot single y/n is back, when we getting that album??
yourusername: you think because i liked a boy was the only thing i worked on? soon bby xx
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