#anyways thats literally my wife guys

[zer0expektation]

The (almost) Perfect Assistant

[silverselfshippingchaos]

I forgot to mention but

I GOT THE WIFE FUNKO POP THIS WEEKEND!!!!!!!

[terrorbirb]

Monday my coworker cleared his throat on me when talking to me for 3 minutes, and I immediately put on a mask, disinfected and moved everything I had to the conference room because he obviously had something. I also immediately told my boss who "was wondering if he should send him home". All of that, but apparently that was enough to get me sick.

Here's the thing, and I know this isn't how it works, I got it from a coworker at work and did EVERYTHING in my power to not get it so i could continue work, so I should get my sick days paid even though I don't have any more PTO. I'm still going to work with a mask on in the warehouse because I, specifically, am needed to complete physical inventory which is incredibly important, but I had to go home at 3pm because I was on the verge of fainting. If I cannot complete these last 2 weeks of work, my company will fall apart, which is why I gave a 5 week notice instead of 2 and delayed starting my new job. I know "fuck this company", but I have enough pride to not want things to be worse than they already are because I Built This Place. I want all the systems I designed to work.

Tldr if a coworker got me sick because my boss didn't send him home when he knew he should, and I took measures to limit my exposure right after being exposed, then I should get my sick hours paid.

[lamphous]

>close watching severance s1 innie cut

>in the midst of drama + tension in finale

>mark's idiot brother in law's assistant pops in for 1 line and looks incredibly familiar

>nothing on his imdb

>google his name

>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQS5TciZ5C0

>drama + tension is still happening as I yell "SJW MISTER MOUSE STUDENT????"

[autism-corner]

im telling you were meant to be

[salemwasnteverhere]

How the Hashira men react to your neighbor asking you to be quiet

Characters: Tengen, Sanemi, Rengoku, Obanai, Gyomei, Giyuu,

Additional shit: Swearing, Sanemi fighting said neighbor, Rengoku being blunt, mentions of sex, ooc mot likely :p

Tengen

He couldn't care less

His whole thing is being flashy and loud so he wants you to be loud

Like it's not his fault that dick is magical

After he shoos your neighbor away he makes sure to be as loud as possible that night

He's pounding into your cunt and you swear your gonna break when he whispers "okay now scream exactly how big my dick is. Don't forget the tip color-"

He gets cut off by you hitting him with the pillow

Way to ruin the mood

But that doesn't stop him and instead he goes harder, making sure the bed creaks loud ASF for your neighbor

"Not my fault he doesn't know how to please a woman." Is his main reason for doing so

He really wants you to scream his name so it's imbedded in your neighbors head

"Morning N/N!" Him to your neighbor from the balcony while your trying to get out of bed and failing

"Actually die." Both you and your neighbor to Tengen

Sanemi

Cares alot

Why the fuck is that limp dick biscuit talking to you and him? Who does he think he is?

You were the one who broke the news to him thankfully cause if Sanemi was the one who opened the door then you'd have to see your husband through glass in a prison

Just kidding. The Slayer corp would get him out of trouble if he didn't do it himself.

Anyways

Sanemi made it his goal to piss your neighbor off as much as possible

Your under him, practically creaming on his cock, and he's slamming the wall yelling "This loud enough yet?! Huh!?"

Not kidding I can see him doing that

He quite literally had you against a window where your neighbors could see him destroying you just to make them mad or uncomfortable, hopefully both.

But then he'd get pissed someone else would see you all naked and fucked out so he settled for the wall next to the window

One day your neighbor, finally having enough, bangs on your door yelling and guess who opens it...Sanemi!!

Good Lord was he waiting for this

It took one punch and the guy was out

Kinda what happens when you put a normal dude against a guy who kills demons for a living

Rengoku

He's a good neutral between caring and not caring

Like he doesn't wanna make your neighbors mad but he also loves hearing your screams

So he tries to keep you quiet during sex but fails since he gets to into it to give a fuck

The next days his loud ass voice wakes you up

"IM SORRY FOR MAKING INCREDIBLE LOVE TO MY WIFE!" He's not being sarcastic thats his genuine apology

Your facepalming and you want to die when you see your neighbor and she can't look at you

"PERHAPS SHES MAD BECAUSE HER HUSBAND CANNOT PLEASE HER!" Rengoku says casually and you know she can hear you from outside in her garden

"Inside voices!" You place your hands over his mouth to try and shut him up.

It works for a bit before he's yelling again

You love your husband but holy shit you wish he would speak normally sometimes

He's actually quiet in bed though

So your the problem (real)

Obanai

I'm not an Obanai fan so forgive me for how bad his section will be

Obanai is a quiet mf, and you're not even that loud

It's your neighbor who was the problem

A little old man whose hearing aids apparently had the power of 67 suns

You and Obanai found this out when he was outside training and your neighbor came over

He was so sweet and polite and even chuckled at Obanai's redness

Obanai cared at first but got over it

You? You make sure to not make a PEEP in bed

Okay that pisses Obanai off but he understands your reasons

At least make a gasp or sum cause he's over here like "Wait does this feel good? Can she feel it? Did I forget where the clit is?"

Brother is STRESSING

Then you cum and he's like "ah"

Then he's like "Did you take it?"

You have to keep yourself from murdering him cause how tf would you fake squirting

Gyomei

Babe I'm not gonna lie, you're a screamer

Gyomei is built like a house and your telling me your just gonna whine and whimper?

NO

Your over here crying and screaming into his chest, neck, the pillow, anything.

And Gyomei loves it!

He can't see your reactions so hearing and feeling them let's him know he's doing good

Gyomei isn't loud but he's not quiet

He'll grunt and moan and praise you, but he's not gonna cry out.

Well he'll cry but you can never tell from what

When the pussy so good you start crying 😭🙏

When your neighbor politely asked you to be a tad bit quieter Gyomei actually laughed

Not in a 'nah we'll keep being loud' way but more of a 'sorry we'll be quiet' way. He also found it hilarious how you actually died of embarrassment.

Don't worry he thinks its endearing

Yet it was kinda hard for him since he enjoyed hearing you

But your touches and now quieter moans made that better

And then there's also you literally drawing blood from his back you were scratching so hard

Giyuu

Holy shit you have never seen him so embarrassed

Like you could shade match his Haori to him and get the exact same color

He was the one your neighbor told and he stopped working when 'loud' and 'moaning' left their lips

If a demon doesn't kill him then his own actions will

Giyuu isn't loud, and he loves that he can make you feel so good that your loud for him.

But he didn't want your neighbor back over at your house so he tried to keep you quiet

You were super confused when he held his hand over your mouth in bed and he just pointed to your neighbors house. Then you got it.

So you nod and try to keep quiet.

You know in school when the teacher tells you and a friend to shut up but they look at you funny and you break?

Yeah that was you

You were riding Giyuu one night and you were loud so he was like "holy shit I love you but please- I can't look our neighbor in the eyes anymore."

And you couldn't help but laugh

Like howling

You calmed down obviously but sex was very giggle filled after that

You've never seen Giyuu so panicked

But give him a week and he'll stop caring

[andr0medafallen]

Sorry I’m been BOMBARDING you with Jamie Tartt nonsense, this is the last one I promise (probably not)

Anyway, I was getting my hair done today and I couldn’t stop thinking about if you decided to splurge and treat yourself at some fancy salon, and while you’re getting your hair done Jamie Fucking Tartt comes in for his highlights and sits at the little station next to you and you’re like ‘this couldn’t get any weirder’ but then it does get weirder because he’s like actually nice and talkative and polite and nothing like he seems

… can you tell I’m a bit obsessed at the moment?

PLEASE

Scout I am so sorry I literally forgot you sent this, I am a mess and a half recently.

Okay no but i never know how to act at the salon, to the extent that I've just been cutting my own hair for a year. But I can see it! You decide to go to the salon, but you definitely didn't expect Jamie Tartt to plop his little ass in the seat next to yours to get his controversial platinum highlights touched up.

But when he compliments you and starts dare-I-say flirting? You simply don't know what to do with yourself. And none of your friends believe you when you tell them that you have Jamie Tartt's number. And you didn't even have to ask for it--

[signedkoko]

Could I get a Mammon, Vox and Husk with a S/O who gets harassed on the street and their reaction? You can have full creative control over what type of harassment!

I love your fics- if this isn’t getting the creative juices flowing just let me know and I’ll request something different <3

🦷 anon

Husk | Mammon | Vox [Romantic]

In which some loathsome idiot thinks they'll get away with harassing their beloved s/o.

One of your favourite date nights is spent bar hopping

Pop a drink or two in each one, sometimes sharing one cocktail, his wing draped around you, your head leant on his shoulder, humming to the music surrounding you

Both of you had a preference for the less popular spots, the kinds of places you got the weirdest combinations, where he could be inspired and you could give him thoughts

The plus side of the smaller joints was that the music was never too loud, drinks were cheaper, and there was always a few spots free at the bar

Downside was that most places had their regulars, the kind of people who couldn't get in anywhere else

The kind of desperation that builds and spreads like mold in the corner of a dark room next to a leaky pipe

On a few occasions, someone would harmlessly ask to buy you a drink and would turn tail when Husk gave them his usually 'fuck off' look

But this time, the guy would just not get the hint

" What? Already claimed dibs on the bitch? "

Yeah- no, that attitude towards you is not going to fly

Not even three seconds and there's a bottle smashed on the drunk demons head, and three cards flying back into Husk's hand

That's when the bleeding starts

You slap a 20 down for your bill and jump straight up, already being dragged by Husk out the door

Insists if he stayed there you would have both gotten banned anyways, and he likes that spot

You guys don't really go out so casually without a good reason, or just for old times sake

A sin and his spouse on a city street in greed was just asking for bad things to happen

But still, if you asked and he had nothing that day, Mammon would always rather get quality time with you and people watch

Thats most of your conversation, pointing out demons and joking about what you think they are like, what the do, how they speak

It's always a fun game, until some newcomer saw you laughing at him and marched right up, clearly on something and clearly ready to have a go at someone

The moment he reaches for your wrist, his thumb falls to the floor, a messy and jagged cut the only sign of attack besides one of Mammons spider legs now revealed

Before he can even realize the pain or what's happened, Mammon lets out a menacing laugh

" Every extra inch towards my broad is another finger. "

That demon was already screaming and running away, most the crowd on the street that was watching now hurrying in any direction opposite of you and Mammon

" I'm only worth one finger? "

" Nah. Just being generous for once. "

Not really a street guy, but unfortunately some press conferences and events require mingling and interacting with others, which he never liked

Thankfully, with you he has an excuse to stay away from others, or show you off

He usually goes for the latter

He's all 'Have you met my wife?' 'My wife loves x and y!' 'Isn't my wife absolutely gorgeous?'

You are the first topic he speaks of after his company; you'd be the first if he didn't have to waste so much time being a salesman, but that is how the cookie crumbles

Sometimes when there's specific press releases, he has to send you off for a moment, where you usually go and mingle with some of the others in his industry you befriended

During one such interview, he couldn't help but spot out the corner of his eye, some lousy business woman drape her arm around your waist and grab at your hip

" Sorry yeah, this interview is over. "

Literally shoves his way over, sparks and electricity flying, to rip you out of her arms

" Baaabe, is this a friend? Whatever the case, we really gotta get going! "

Jealousy 3000

He's glad he stepped in after he overhears that lady had a habit of harassing other attendees

New clause in every interview; they have to include you or provide security over you while he is busy

Author's Note - Tooth anon comes in for another PIPIN HOT request!! I actually feel so bad because every time I take a break form writing is on yoru request and that really makes it look bad I am so sorry 😩

[lubrumalis]

konig headcanons! (realistic)

tw: nsfw

all of these are realistic hc! dont expect a normal konig

hes NOT a shy awkward pushover, just because he has social anxiety??? we can see through his voice lines hes a very cocky person and speaks rather agressively

“lets be honest, its better off in my hands.”

i hc that just because konig has social anxiety, he doesn’t express this through bring soft and shy, he expresses it through his bluntness

konig wanted to be a sniper but did not because he couldn’t stand still, has social anxiety, i hc he has some form of adhd

his very cocky and blunt shouting isn’t because hes mean, but he just doesnt wanna be seen as that bullied kid he once was

hes doesnt have horrible EQ, but the kind of guy to be incredibly unfiltered

also, this guy was literally assigned as a human battering ram, you think hes all soft and sweet???😅😅😅

no he won’t get angry or cry if his mask is taken off. just annoyed.

its not actually canon that konig is a colonel (correct me if im wrong, i couldnt find anything on the official wiki) but lets assume hes one anyway

even if he isnt, gets paid well. really well.

private military companies that deploy soldiers in areas of active conflict can pay up to hundreds of thousands for one soldier

considering konigs age (late 30s at least) and skills, probably 400-500k a year.

chose to join the military because he had an obsession with tanks and guns as a kid

a lot of hc’s say hes 6’10. i disagree, simply based off of chances and the fact thats wayyyy too tall for the military

but he was described as a mountain, so id say his height is around 6’5-6’8

very very intimidating. hes tall big and has the mask of an executioner in the 15th century. who wouldn’t be scared?

definitely will say some random german word in a situation where no one else there knows german. he doesn’t give a damn lol

hates americans (thinks theyre all obese, mannerless, and bad at geography)

brings up the most random topics. again i really think konig has adhd.

konig was not good at school and hated it, mainly due to the anxiety and how he couldn’t pay attention

also why he chose the path of a soldier

drinks lots of beer, high alcohol tolerance, this guys a true european.

loves austrian or german food. loves schnitzel and pies.

konigs breakfast is literally sausages, toast, eggs, and sometimes beer

BIG APPETITE. he could eat for 3 people.

a little insecure about his appearance, not confident in his looks :( also why he hid his face

but as he grew older he uses the mask for actual purposes of concealing his identity, he is a special ops soldier after all

kind of a cheapskate. he chose to hide his face with what, polyester? chose a piece of cloth over everything else.

has very conservative beliefs. not to the point where he hates abortion and votes far right, konig is just a little confused about some things certain liberals believe in

pretty political person lmao

not enough info to conclude whether or not konig was abused as a kid tbh

he was definitely miserable for a period in his life. hes in the military living a monotone life, barely any contact with others, and constantly living in fear he’d die

i dont think hes as traumatized as ghost tho🙂🙂

konig appreciates his dna and how it makes him big and tall, but sometimes gets incredibly annoyed at it

mainly because well, he got bullied for itas a kid

because he specializes in hostage rescue a lot of hostages (especially kids) are scared of him and refuse to leave the area with him

takes a lot of convincing 🥲🥲

has a lot of intrusive thoughts

cannot use social media properly

also texts like an old grandpa. uses 😂 and 🤣 unironically.

“Can we have burgers 🍔 tonight🌃?”

probably uses a blackberry or reallyyyyy old iphone

relationship hcs:

konigs voice actor (jim boeven) stated in a livestream that konigs wife would ideally be a mix between maria pedraza (actress) and rachael from blade runner (character from movie).

both are 170cm ish and brunettes

i can actually see that—konig is massive and he probably prefers someone on the tall side

first thing you did that led to your relationship with him? you tolerated him that is. listened to him ranting😃

i can see him with a civilian or someone whos in the military tbh

finds you pretty at first

enjoys bickering, he needs someone to simulate his mind

you know those stories where his s/o is 5’2, clingy, soft af, and neeeeeeeds konig? haha you won’t be getting that from me.

unlike ghost, who really takes his time to get to know someone and opens up slowly, scared to have his trust broken again

konig charges in like the human battering ram he is😁

if he has a feeling you’re trustworthy you are trustworthy.

horrible at flirting. he doesn’t know how to talk to women smoothly

needs someone equally as weird and funny

s/o needs to be someone with very firm boundaries and can stand their ground, i think konigs a really stubborn person, so for a healthy relationship to work, s/o can’t be the generic bimbo

konig wears the pants in the relationship

doesn’t let you pay. he has a enough money and believes men should always pay

(im sorry to break your delusions) konig does not strike to me as someone who likes a docile homebody. thats ghost (if you remove the word docile).

he doesn’t like extremely dominant partners either

imagine someone who is a listener, accepting yet blunt, shares his quirks, and has a very elegant feel to them

also someone very independent

also gonna get killed for this but konig would realistically not go for a girl in her early twenties. he prefers elegance and sophistication over being cute and jumpy

hates one night stands.

values relationships more than you think. he can come off as strong at first, but hes trying his best

ecstatic when you tell him you wanna learn german (hes not a good teacher)

doesn’t like play fighting, he thinks he’s gonna accidentally hurt you

admires you a lot. he knows hes not the best looking person and doesn’t understand the makeup skincare dress up thing.

isn’t paranoid, but definitely doesn’t say he has an s/o

if you ever get mad at him, konig will tighten all jars in the kitchen so you have to ask him for help :)

extremely unfiltered. he hates your cooking? he will say it. that dress looks better than the other? he will say it.

[mingtinysworld]

Hiiii!!!!!! Could you please do something with the ateez members reacting to you being able to rap?? Like you memorized lose yourself by Eminem as a kid and they see you slay it at karaoke? Love your work!!!🥰🥰🥰🥰

A/n: Hi!! Love this idea hahaha. So glad ateez isn’t actually listening to me rap, cuz I would just humiliate myself lol. I tried to make this as non repetitive as possible, I hope you like it! (Also i literally don’t know anything about rap music so bear with me.)

Ateez OT8 reaction to you rapping

Hongjoong

You, Seonghwa, Yeosang and Hongjoong decided to go to karaoke and sing your hearts outs. After 3 shots and 6 songs later, Mackelmore's "Can't hold us" comes on. You stand up abruptly, ready for your moment to shine. You snatch the microphone away from Yeosang and start spitting fire. You're so in the zone that you don't notice Hongjoong's eyes comically bugging out of his head. He blinks slowly and a big smile comes onto his face. Once you're done with the song, Hongjoong spins you around to face him.

"Holy shit babe, we gotta get you in that studio asap."

Seonghwa

"I bet you can't do my verse in bouncy."

Seonghwa challenged you, therefore you had to prove him wrong. You crack your neck, your knuckles and your back dramatically, and flip your hair against his face. He laughs at your antics and sits back to enjoy the show. You absolutely devour his verse, and turn around to give him a smug raise of your eyebrow. "How was that huh?" Seonghwa is stunned and just starts slow clapping for you while you curtsy.

Yunho

Yunho jumps up and down in excitement as you get ready to blow him away. He requested you to do "Lose yourself" by Eminem, and while you're confident in your skills, you worry about Yunho's reaction. You take a deep breath and do the whole song with so much swagger and confidence that Yunho can't keep his happy whoops and cheers in. He turns into your personal hype man and claps with pride once you finish being a rap goddess.

“Again again again!!!”

Yeosang

"Baby i've never heard you rap before, pleaseeeee please rap for me." Yeosang has been begging you to rap for ages now. Whether it's for making fun of you or to genuinely appreciate your skills, you agree anyways. You pick one of your favorites, "Rap god" by Eminem. As soon as you start, Yeosang's mouth drops open. He makes eye contact with the other guys and just stares at your jumping form in awe. After you're done he picks you up with one arm and holds you like a trophy.

"Presenting to you, the rapper of this generation."

San

You requested “Not like us” by Kendrick Lamar and you were so prepared. San had never heard you rap before, so he sat down and observed you in interest. Through the first verse, San is already thoroughly impressed. You’re so into the music you don’t look at him until you’re done. You turn around and see that he’s got tears in eyes. “San are you crying?!”

“Sorry babe, my girlfriend is just so talented I couldn’t hold it in.”

Mingi

You choose his verse in “To the beat” for karaoke, excited to show Mingi. You grab Seonghwa for moral support and you both jump up and down with excitement while spitting bars. Meanwhile, Mingi grabs one of the rings on his own finger and goes down on one knee right behind you. When you’re done and turn around, you yelp in surprise. “Mingi oh my god what are you doing?”

“You thought you could rap like that and not become my wife??”

Wooyoung

“PLEASE PLEASE DO HUMBLE PLEASE.” Wooyoung begs you to do “humble” by Kendrick Lamar and you can’t help but accept it. As the first word comes out of your mouth, Wooyoung loses it. He screams and runs to the hallway yelling “THATS MY GIRLFRIEND EVERYONE.” While you just laugh and continue rapping. (Oh to have Wooyoung be your hypeman bf)

Jongho

“Ok Jongho, I’m gonna rap for you now hehe. Get ready.” Get ready he does indeed. He sits back comfortably and watches intently as you put on “Matz” by Seonghwa and Hongjoong. You get to the really fast part of Hongjoong’s verse and Jongho can’t help the surprise that goes through him. He never knew that you could rap like this. He watches you get so immersed in the song and can’t help falling in love with you even more. When you’re done he motions you to go over to him. He pats his thigh once and you obey, settling across his lap.

“You are full of so many talents my baby.”

[qraceiuv]

hii can you do singer!reader x jude (ik you’ve done it recently so i understand if you don’t want to 😞) and can the faceclaim be tyla? idk if you let anons choose faceclaims anyways thank uuu!!!! also remember to eat and stay hydrated 🫶🏽🫶🏽 love u

water. jude bellingham.

summary — your new song causes the fans to want more and more content from jude and yours relationship

notes — tysm for this request! love u more bb, i literally had tyla in mind for a new blurb, and getting this made it perfect

warnings — inappropriate jokes? idk + mentions of throw up and such - js some cute lil fluff as usual

_________________________________________

y/nsusername

y/nsusername: 'water' out this friday🩵🐆

—

username: OMGOMGOMG

username: THIS IS SO UNEXPECTED

username: totally not breaking down

username: i need to wife her

username: WHATWHATATWNAN

username: WATER??😭

yourfriend: HOT HOT MEOWWW

— y/nsusername: oh thats

username: her and jude r dating right

— username: yeah it was confirmed like 3 months ago but they dont post much of each other

— username: maybe the singles abt him

— username: I HOPEEE

y/nsusername

y/nsusername: make me lose my breath, make me water 🪩🪞🐆💦

—

username: IM GLING INSANE

username: WTF

username: omg im so proud of her

username: SHES COME SO FAR CRYING

— y/nsusername: 🥹🥹🥹

username: AH AH AHHHH

username: im actually so happy for her

yourfriend: JIMMY FUCKING FALLON

— y/nsusername: JIMMY FUCKING FALLON

username: STREAM WATER BY Y/N

username: MAKE ME SWEATTTT

— username: MAKE ME HOTTERRRR

username: on repeat

username: oh shes gonna eat

judebellingham: 💦💦💦

— y/nsusername: delete immediately

— username: HELP?

username: JUDE IM CRYING

username: judes comment has made my year

username: finally y/njude content (its horrible)

y/nsusername

y/nsusername: tour so far... i love you lovely people and the many helping hands behind the scenes <3

—

username: see you in a week!!

username: i need to go

username: shes thriving

username: getting the hype she deserves

judebellingham: omg you love me?

— y/nsusername: no !

— judebellingham: guess ill turn the plane around

— y/nsusername: HEY.

username: HES ON A PLANE TO SEE HER😭😭

username: GUYS R WE GONNA FINALLY GET SOME Y/NJUDE LORE

username: i love them (we barely know them)

judebellingham

judebellingham: to be proud of my girl is an understatement 🩵🩵

—

username: okay ill cry

username: y/n love club

username: shouldve put 💦💦💦

— y/nsusername: agreed

y/nsusername: 💦💦💦

— jude bellingham: i hate you now.

— y/nsusername: payback

username: adoption papers wya

username: hard launch a lil too late

y/nsusername: i love you

y/nsusername

y/nsusername: my man finally took me out

—

username: KMS KMS KMS

username: FINALLY WE GETTING SOME SHIT

username: make me sweattt... sorry

— username: MAKE ME HOTTERRR

— username: everyone thank jude for this sexy song

yourfriend: i could treat u better

— y/nsusername: i know i know

judebellingham: im gonna do it

— y/nsusername: dont.

— judebellingham: 💦💦💦

username: JUDES COMMENT😭😭

username: theyre actually so cute

username: the banter >>>

username: my man is whipped

y/nsusername

y/nusername: 2M weekly streams on water... kisses 🐆💋

—

username: MAKE ME WATERRRD

username: YESSS

username: literally so deserved

username: im so proud lemme cry

username: MY BABY

username: WE LOVE YOU

username: STFU OMG

username: nobody deserves it more

judebellingham: my popstar

— y/nsusername: my starboy

judebellingham: so proud of you baby

username: BABY?!?!

username: im on the floor rn

username: jude is too lucky

username: im throwing up cuz of them

_________________________________________

[mulletmitsuya]

Sano Groupchat (and closely affiliated)

Warnings: swearing, suggestive, the word necrophilia is mentioned twice, mentions of kidnapping, mentions of drugging, also a "description" of a penis (it's not what it sounds like i swear)

Side note: i've realized that my warnings without context, make me look like a crazy person so please bear with me 😔🙏

Desc: Mikey gets kidnapped by a crazy fan and so forth (i'm so bad at these, might remove them 💀)

Shinichiro: Mikey, we're glad to have you back. i'll release a statement saying you need to recover from the traumatizing situation you've just been through. just rest up okay?

Emma: yeah, we're here if you need anything :((

Izana: you're alive, so

Emma: Izana ☹️

Izana: ...

Izana: we are here to support you through difficult times

Izana: as your "siblings" 🙂

Shinichiro: what are the quotation marks for bud 😞✊?

Izana: my hand slipped

Shinichiro: oh okay then!

Mikey: guys

Shinichiro: Draken, how's the arrest going?

Draken: the girls trial is in a few weeks from now and she can't afford bail so she's locked up

Mikey: guys it's not that deep

Mikey: like, it's not as big of a deal as you're making it out to be

Izana: see? he's fine

Emma: YOU WERE MISSING FOR 2 WEEKS

Emma: YOU WERE LITERALLY KIDNAPPED BY A CRAZY FAN. IT'S A BIG DEAL

Mikey: but they didn't hurt me?? they made all my favourite snacks and food and tucked me into bed every night. which maybe was a little weird but i still liked it. i had a very good time actually. so why are we arresting her? she's chill fr

Draken: that's all she did?

Baji: how do you know she didn't drug you in your sleep and do things to you 🤨

Mikey: bro?

Shinichiro: Keisuke, that's a very sensitive topic for some people, so let's not say it so casually okay?

Baji: what?

Baji: is it a long shot to say Mikey was touched or something?

Baji: i mean, what other motives did she have

Baji: and you guys saw her tweets right? she's obsessed with you

Baji: wasn't she the one who calculated the circumference, length, girth and colour of your penis??

Draken: no that's another one

Baji: nvm

Baji: that was Haruchiyo

Haruchiyo: fuck off

Mikey: Baji we literally go to onsens together with Haruchiyo. you've all seen my penis 😐

Baji: hard and soft are two different things

Baji: you pervert

Haruchiyo: it wasn't me, what the fuck?

Haruchiyo: i'm too famous to be risking my reputation like that

Haruchiyo: i'd need a burner account no one could access, which i don't have

Haruchiyo: so no Baji, i don't have a Mikey fanpage

Haruchiyo: that would be crazy and weird and bordeline insane

Baji: i didn't say any of that?

Baji: and you are all 3 of those things🤨

Mikey: well whatever cause everyone was wrong. it's small

Mikey: you know what it's not even small. it's average for my size, actually

Mikey: i mean i'm 5'3 yk. what did people expect

Mikey: like, it would look weird if i had a big one

Mikey: it would be disproportionate to have a big one

Mikey: i see people saying "i know it's big😍" or stuff like "i wanna gag on it"

Emma: gross

Emma: why are you telling us this 😟

Mikey: which i find really flattering

Draken: flattering isn't the word i'd use

Mikey: yeah thats cause you're a fucking prude, Ken-chin

Draken: it's cause i have a wife, jackass

Emma: 😊❤

Mikey: but seriously it wouldn't make sense for me to have a big penis

Baji: excuses excuses 🙄

Mikey: my penis is fine

Baji: they gave you dick dysmorphia

Mikey: whatever it's not like i'll use it anyway

Baji: bottom?

Mikey: i just don't like sex 😐

Izana: are we here to listen to Mikey talk about his small dick or what

Shinichiro: yeah maybe we should... not

Mikey: well, yours is skinny so whatever

Shinichiro: no it's not 😕

Shinichiro: i've had many people compliment me for my size, actually

Izana: "many"

Izana: "people"

Mikey: we know it's not girls, just say you fuck men (Wakasa) dude

Baji: no girl wants you bro

Baji: (isn't it Takeomi?)

Mikey: (Takeomi is violently homophobic)

Baji: (oh yeah)

Haruchiyo: what are you guys doing

Mikey: (whispering)

Haruchiyo: you guys are texting

Haruchiyo: we can all see this

Haruchiyo: are you fucking dumb

Haruchiyo: not you, Mikey

Mikey: thanks Haru 😋

Baji: he was doing it too???

Baji: i get why Takeomi was homophobic 😒

Baji: (when are you going to address his crush on you, Mikey)

Mikey: (it's not a crush, you ever heard of bff's, Keisuke🙄?)

Baji: (that's like saying me and Kazutora are bff's)

Mikey: (you are?)

Baji: (i'm in love with him)

Mikey: (oh yeah)

Mikey: (but Haru isn't in love with me)

Baji: (he probably creams his pants when you use that nickname)

Haruchiyo: i can see this

Haruchiyo: you aren't "whispering"

Haruchiyo: IT'S A FUCKING GROUPCHAT

Draken: does this matter?

Draken: we were talking about the fact that Mikey was kidnapped

Draken: Baji is right, something really bad could have happened if they have you longer

Draken: along with the statement, we need to talk to your fans man

Draken: this is a line crossed

Baji: no shit

Baji: also, why didn't you, i don't know, fight back and escape or something?

Mikey: i didn't want to hit a girl 😔

Mikey: like i said, i enjoyed my time there

Mikey: knew you guys would find me eventually so it was like, a side quest

Draken: of course you'd call a kidnapping a side quest

Emma: how'd she even kidnap you?

Mikey: she saw me at a convenience store and they'd run out of my favourite sweeties

Mikey: and i was whining about it to the cashier, so i guess she overheard

Mikey: and she said she had some in her car

Mikey: so i go there with her

Mikey: then she asked for an autograph

Mikey: then i'm pretty sure she drugged me with chloroform or something cause i was out

Emma: chloroform isn't like the movies. it takes a while to knock someone out, so that's not really likely unless you stood there and took it

Mikey: ...

Mikey: ok fine, do you want me to say i fell asleep in her car? huh?

Mikey: cause that's what i did

Izana: it's like you *want* to die or something

Izana: nvm

Baji: are you stupid or something

Draken: Mikey

Draken: you are 25 years old

Draken: and you're telling me

Draken: that you fell for the "hi kid, want some candy?" trick

Draken: are you fucking serious

Shinichiro: Mikey...

Shinichiro: you could have gone to another store 🙁

Shinichiro: i almost lost you

Shinichiro: because of jellybeans? really?

Mikey: they're my favourite sweet okay ☹️

Mikey: and i was lazy and tired

Mikey: hence, falling asleep

Baji: he has to have necrophilia or something

Shinichiro: i don't think that's the word buddy

zana: "necrophilia"

Izana: didn't you graduate?

Baji: working on it 💪

Izana: ah alright

Izana: what's your IQ?

Baji: below average

Mikey: Baji, don't tell people that ☠️

Izana: ...

Izana: wow he actually answered me

Emma: *sigh*

Draken: what's the point of tying out your physical actions

Emma: shut up a little babe

Draken: ok

Emma: what Baji meant, was necormancy

Draken: that's incorrect, babe

Emma: omg can we just wrap this up

Izana: both of you are wrong 💀

Izana: what is wrong with you people

Izana: necrophilia= sexual attraction to a dead body

Izana: necormancy= communication with dead people

Izana: narcolepsy= condition characterized by an extreme tendency to sleep

Izana: i'm assuming you guys meant to say the third one, for Mikey

Izana: holy shit

Emma: no need to be mean about it 😒

Baji: i'll add those to my "new words" list

Mikey: maybe i do have that

Mikey: i do fall asleep in very odd places

Emma: you know what we can talk about this tommorow. time out

*only admins can send messages*

[oh-no-its-bird]

saw your kaguya/sakumo and raise you toneri otsutsuki being in love with kakashi instead of Hinata if only because i think it'd be really, really funny for the team to have to deal with the fact that a sorta god wants their sensei. and also for Hinata. like you go to rescue your sister only for her kidnapper to demand your hokages hand in marriage for her eyes and return. what the fuck do you do.

does this make sense? absolutely not. do i think it'd be funny anyway? absolutely yes.

I have NO idea who this man is but I am absolutely on board, 100000%, I love Kakashi crack ships. Kakashi gets his own space man !!! Good for him!

Looking him up and scrolling through his wiki rn, hes so cute?? I love his design wtf. Very fun story too-- was this a movie guy or part of the actual base anime? I dunno but Im a fan of him now, let him make Kakashi his attic wife, it'll be funny

I do think that objectively, the funniest thing u could do here is start off w the canon of him falling in love with Hinata, kidnapping her, all that-- but then he sees Kakashi and has Thoughts And Feelings(TM) and is now like. Conflicted.

This man does not know what polyamory is (and obviously neither Hinata or Kakashi would be interested either way, probably especially bc the other is involved bc that is weird and uncomfortable) and has never really faced what "love" truly is outside of this little box he has never been challenged ab

So he's like suddenly getting super in his own head ab what is love and if he's "cheating" on Hinata by feeling a certain way ab Kakashi (boy she dont even LIKE you) and he's never experienced sexual attraction before but oh man kakashi is DOIN smthn to him rn and he doesnt know whats happening

anyways he actually ends up getting totally distracted from his goal of killing all of humanity or whatever that's ab, because he then proceeds to kidnap Kakashi to add to his Moon Harem(tm) that he refuses to admit is a moon harem bc he condemns harems and looks down upon those with concubines and or multiple wives. But like thats for sure what he is laying in bed at night thinking ab. Im thinking like comedic christain guilt energy but also he is not christain and a moon man

Meanwhile Hinata and Kakashi are on the worst impromptu field trip of their LIVES and its made extra awkward bc like.

"Oh! Hi there, girl my students age who I occasionally interacted with as a literal child and who also looks up to me! I see that this alien has kidnapped the both of us-- you with the intent to marry and me because I apparently have triggered a concerningly intense gay crisis potentially linked to years of living alone on the moon w nothing but puppets!"

"It sure seems like that, semi-father figure to my boyfriend and also man w authority over me ,who is also almost twice my age, and who I may or may not be getting forcibly, indirectly married to! At least he's too busy having a crisis to remember that 'killing all of humanity' thing...?"

"I GUESS!"

Look on the bright side Hinata! At least you get to be the main wife!

Kakashi and Hinata get to bond over the fucking insanity of the situation and try to manipulate Toneri into letting them go (or, at minimum, encourage him to continue to be too fucking distracted having multiple crisis's revolving around them to get back on that killing humanity thing)

Meanwhile Naruto lost his fuckin girlfriend AND his sensei, this is literally the worst day of his fucking life

[gringolet]

GAYEST ARTHURIAN TEXT BRACKET ROUND 1:

propaganda:

Le Morte:

- “Perhaps not the most obviously gay text out there but has some underrated moments. 'Everyone is in love with Lancelot', 'hoole book' edition, where this time the author is too! But more specifically, Lavayne. My guy sees his sister literally prepared to die of love for Lancelot and says 'yah same'. Luckily for him he is a MAN so he can just hop on a horse and follow him. Sorry Elaine. Specific quote: 'She doth as I do: for sythen I saw first my Lorde Sir Lancelot, I cowde never departe frome hym, nother nought I will and I may follow hym.', ”

-

- also gawains entire final letter written in his own blood hello??? hello??? «  I, Sir Gawaine, knight of the Table Round, sought my death, and not through thy deserving, but it was mine own seeking; wherefore I beseech thee, Sir Launcelot, to return again unto this realm, and see my tomb, and pray some prayer more or less for my soul. And this same day that I wrote this cedle, I was hurt to the death in the same wound, the which I had of thy hand, Sir Launcelot; for of a more nobler man might I not be slain. Also Sir Launcelot, for all the love that ever was betwixt us, make no tarrying, but come over the sea in all haste » hello???

- also of course the greater cornwall polycule (tristan dinadan palamedes isolde lamorak lancelot brangaine isolde 2 etc etc)

- the whole ill made knight ill starred knight thing is so queer like thats so insanely transgender

SGATGK:

- “kissing”

-“Gawain getting kisses from Bertilak’s wife and kissing Bertilak is very bi”

- “I'm back with another answer. Obviously the kissing game is iconic. The scholarship about this poem is unparalleled. The people cannot get enough of submissive kissy face Gawain & frankly neither can I. He definitely fucked that couple. Or perhaps it's more accurate to say, they fucked him. Easy litmus test for a retelling is how they handle adapting this. Only cowards write around the kissing. Real ones make it even gayer.”

- “Gawain kisses a man in this”

- “3some, poly, bi conduit, gay kiss, gawain”

- “i'm going to kill myself i had a few paragraphs of propaganda typed up and accodentally deleted it all. holy ahit. anyways i have no doubt that this has been submitted before but it is my moral duty to say so again. even excluding the fact that lord bertilak sets up this game of exchange of winnings and sends his wife to seduce gawaine—knowing that gawaine will have to return whatever he recieved unto bertilak—and their kisses and embraces (which are technically 'excusable' under medieval homosocial behaviour), there's a sort of erotic fascination with the green knight everpresent throughout the text, the author, the pearl poet, even taking, what, five (? give or take a few. my memory fails me) verses to describe how green and big and beautiful the green knight is. the green knight kneels before gawaine, letting gawaine take the blow to cut off his head, and later, the green knoght takes a blow to cut off gawaine's head. it's all about reciprocity and exchanges and submission. it's SO erotic . i just. yeah :)”

- ill also say the way gawain is framed in parallel to the lords hunting scenes making him a pursued animal and the wife the pursuer who has him at her mercy is very interesting gender dynamics and role reversal

[oscconfessions]

ok i have something to ACTUALLY CONFESS and i am so embarassed. It will be immediately obvious who I am but i do not care. this blog is lacking in actual embarassing confessions so let us rejoice in the fact this is. actually embarassing.

So i am the resident Zoetrope simp right. He is my second wife and I love him dearly. BUT THATS NOT THE EMBARASSING PART OH NO.

oh my fucking god Okay so like simultaneously I am a huge hater of people who automatically assume ‘oh? you like Zoetrope? Is it just cause his VA is Saberspark??’ LIKE NO. THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO HIM THAN JUST HIS VA. And 90% of the time I even FORGET his VA. His voice in my brain does not sound like Saberspark ever. So it just annoys me when people automatically assume that. I just think Zoetrope is a silly guy. He has done no wrong (exceptthatonetime) and could do no wrong (exceptthatonetime). I have a special place in my heart for all the silly goober eccentric artist types. And also for the side characters who get zero appreciation. COME ON GUYS, HE IS LITERALLY A BLANK SLATE YOU CAN PROJECT WHATEVER LORE YOU WANT TO ONTO HIM AND IT WOULD STILL (probably) MAKE SENSE! Zoetrope yaoi? BASED! Zoetrope yuri? BASED! Zoetrope cishet? woah there bucko i dont think

ANYWAYS the actual confession.

So you know how when you’re asleep right. Yeah okay so I think my CONSCIOUS BRAIN and my UNCONSCIOUS BRAIN had a miscommunication.

I think my unconscious brain only heard ‘undying love’ and ‘saberspark’ and decided to tune ALL THE REST OF THAT BULLSHIT OUT because last night I had the most CURSED fucking dream where I was making out with saberspark. NOT LIKE THE PERSON. BUT THE FUCKING PNG. I AM STILL CRYING AND SHAKING VIOLENTLY AT THIS VERY MOMENT. WHAT DO I DO. HOW DID MY BRAIN FUCK IT UP THAT BADLY. IT FELT LIKE A FUCKING NIGHTMARE AND THEN I WOKE UP IN A COLD SWEAT.

I HAD TO APOLOGIZE TO MY 5 WIVES FOR CHEATING ON THEM WITH A SABERSPARK PNG.

Does anyone have any tips to make your dreams not fucked up or should I just lay off the melatonin. TIA

.

[snotty-zombie]

Rageous-tober part 4 (final)!!!

Day 27: Crossover (2 parts)

Day 31: Halloween

More under cut >xP

totally disregard all the writing if you dont care lmaooo this is just me word vomiting about my ocs and thought process when doing this haha i just thought id give some context cuz i always forget you guys know literally nothing about my characters

Day 27: Crossover! So this is a two parter, part 1 is Gumlee x Ritzneer obvvvvvviously because I’m basic I can’t help but compare them and a lot of others can’t help it either from what I’ve seen I had an insane stroke of genius calling Veneer ‘Prince Gumdrop’ and I don’t think I’ll ever reach those heights again

Part 2 of the crossover is MLP CROSSOVER!! Including unicorn ‘Colt Ritz’ which I am quite proud I must say considering I hadn’t drawn a pony in like- 10 years AS WELL AS Pegasus ‘Boogie Bomb’ which I am ALSO quite proud of, he has very big wings and is covered in little green spots (which mimic the spotty design he has on his shaved scalp as a Rageon) he looks a bit like a donkey but I think that’s just because of his little facial hair bits and massive pointy ears I gave him hmmmm Also, siren Velvet and Veneer!! I can’t remember the exact lore of the sirens since I haven’t seen the film in a real long time but I got some help from my friend who is a big MLP fan and she filled me in on the lore etc, as well as inspiration from another artist on here who also did a VV x MLP crossover, I reposted their amazing art on my other blog so def go check it out. Anyway, VV are sirens and disguise themselves as alicorns (but also hide their flanks as they have no cutie marks)

Day 31: Halloween!!! 🎃 👻 💀 🦇 🐈‍⬛ Last one!! This one took foreveerrrrr and again, I just had to try to outdo myself with the amount of bs happening on screen at once I tried to include all my main fav ocs, as well as the twins and KR all going door to door in a massive trick or treating horde

I called this the 'soft launch' of my Velvet and Veneer fan parents, Dr Velocity (mum) and Dr Voltage (dad), they're in matching Frankenstein and Frankenstein's wife costumes :3. They mean well of course as any parent does but their good intentions can get lost in translation (harsh punishments and struggling/refusing to understand their bizarre children). I will definitely give them their spotlight when I eventually get around to redesigning them (slightly) and writing out some information about them to share with you guys because I like them a lot :P

-Theres Glow Worm getting her costume repaired by Rhinestone after she ripped it doing multiple cartwheels in a row -Velvet and Veneer trading their sweets that they collected (you'd think they were discussing border placement or something, they take it so seriously) -Veneer and TV Girl finally getting along after telling their lame boyfriends to stop fighting with each other -And a zombie Boogie sketch I refused to finish whoops

SO YEAH THATS ALL I DID FOR RAGEOUS-TOBER, finally posting it to tumblr half way through November. be sure to check out the creators account, jobiesayscheese 😻😻😻 thanks for checking my art out, and if you read all of my stupid ramblings ily sm and thank you for hearing me out

I also did in fact win a raffle for Rageous-tober not to flex but yes to flex (totally wasn’t rigged cuz tf)

Part 1! Part 2! Part 3! Part 4!