#anyways ill probably revisit this later because i will always have something to say about dancer cass

[franollie]

i think when i get to the root of why i dislike fanon dancer cass is because fanon loses the nuance to cass being a dancer.

dance is an art that everyone can understand. its a form of communication that expresses things that words aren’t capable of saying.

it functions as both an emotional outlet for cass and a bridge that allows everyone else to understand her language.

unfortunately, fanon often loses that nuance and just makes her a ballerina despite the fact that she loves all forms of dance (including partying)

cass being a dancer is something so special to me and you guys keep ruining it for me by making it her only personality trait. like dont you get it. dont you understand. dance isnt just pretty costumes and tippy toes. its the full spectrum of humanity. its beautiful and poised and powerful and ugly and messy. its a language with out words. its an entire language built on emotion and movement.

[narwhaltortellini]

Apologies to all the other things I was reading and watching and listening to, for suddenly and mysteriously putting you on hold to have an absolute freak out about Good Omens season 2 coming out in a couple weeks.

Apologies to anyone looking at this, because I just have to, like, dump my feelings somewhere.

Before the freak out, did I know Good Omens season 2 was coming out soon? Yeah, sure, I was kinda cautiously looking forward to it a little. Had I already seen the trailer? Yeah, I thought it looked good. Are David Tennant and Michael Sheen like probably literally the human embodiment of these characters? I mean, yes, how dare you even question that. (Esp. Michael Sheen omg so, so so…aaaah)

I’m not entirely sure what is going on with me. Good Omens has always held like a weird mixed but precious place in my little fannish heart. I read it back when I was a little BABY high schooler getting real obsessive about Terry Pratchett but who didn’t even know what ‘shipping’ or m/m was. I loved some things about it and didn’t love others but one thing was absolutely sure: I was just so terribly charmed by the demon and angel characters. They really were good buddies, such good friends, yes indeed. Probably be ROOMMATES or something some day, huh? <3

I had both mixed feelings but was also really obsessive over it, trying to get others to read it and posting something real agro on LiveJournal when I fell for a joke someone (was it Terry Gilliam or one of the authors?) made about how they were approaching the then-planned-but-eventually-ill-fated movie adaptation. (Gosh I wish I remember what it was but it was so over the top clearly terrible and a joke and it’s been over 20 years and I still feel embarrassed about falling for and publicly ranting about it to this day but also makes me feel kinda nostalgic like lol what a dumbass kid, aww.)

And then years later when I’d managed to get a whole lot less naive about my fondness for reading/watching male friendships, I pick up the book for a reread and was like ‘um…wait a second….’ and go look up the fanfic and yep there it is, the book of my late childhood in a totally different light XD

When the tv show came out, I once again had mixed feelings. It was fun to revisit the story and fantastic to see it reach more people, but there’s some humor that just doesn’t work for me quite as well spoken/acted vs written down, and Pterry’s humor is definitely that way for me. I felt like Crowley and Aziraphale were a little extra flirty and intense about each other in the show, something part of me enjoyed and part of me wasn’t sure I loved. Partially I just prefer a slightly more understated romance and partially…well, in these days where it feels like queerbaiting is kinda all the rage, it can make one feel a little uneasy…

And then I hear there’s going to be a second season and I’m like…that….MIGHT be fun? I mean…Pterry is gone, and that’s super shitty, but we’ve still got Neil and there are other good writers and I HAVE been curious where they were planning to take it…

And then less than a week ago I hear murmurings that this second season is maybe even supposed to be more romantic-ish? Or…I don’t know maybe I heard things maybe I didn’t (did I hear something? DID I???? Something people were upset got revealed but I totally didn’t click the link so I don’t know only maybe I did click the link for just a second and then I saw a four letter word that jumped out at me and I left because nope nope nope don’t want to know don’t want to know and I don’t know the context of that word so what do I know I KNOW NOTHING I KNOW NOTHING). Anyway I hear things (about the first and this season both) with words like ‘romance’ and  ‘a love story’ being thrown around, but what is that really? It doesn’t always mean a lot to me when someone says a story is about that, because that can mean a lot of different things, especially when your characters aren’t exactly human.

And, like, I shouldn’t be so curious about this because this isn’t even a direction I was overly interested (nor opposed) in seeing this go. IF it even really was going that way at all. Except now when I watch the trailer and hear that quirky rendition of Everyday I like faint from excitement (I swear if they released a full version I’d just listen to it on repeat till July 28), and I always did like the addition of Gabriel in the show and now we get more of him in such a fun looking way omg and that new Muriel character just instantly looks SO. FREAKING. CUTE. and hey now we get to see something that was truly written for the screen which could be super cool and where are they going to take our angel and demon now and aaaaaaaaah.

And now I’m just like Good Omens on the brain at an intensity level where it makes it hard to function like a normal person. Like I’m supposed to go see a movie and have dinner with non-fannish friends tomorrow and how am I going to survive that long without saying something weird HOW???? I do a kind of tuneless whisper of the lyrics to Everyday under my breath all the time. It sounds kind of threatening, and I don’t think they will appreciate it. You just know at some point during the conversation they are going to be like:

‘Hey. HEY. Are you even paying attention?’

And I will be like:

‘Y-Yes. Yes I am paying attention and not thinking about angel and demon sex.’

And they will be like:

‘....’

And I will avert my gaze and be like:

‘...’

And then after a while of that I will be like:

‘Everyday…it’s a-getting closer…’

I don’t know what to do. But, I mean, I’m also really, REALLY enjoying it. Like this is going to blow your mind but DID YOU KNOW that there is significantly more fanfiction in the Good Omens section now that it is an amazing popular tv show vs when it was just some book written in the 90’s? CRAZY RIGHT?!?! So much. Omg, new friends, you have been so busy, so generous with your time and writerly efforts, I LOVE ALL OF YOU THANK YOU. If I pretend to take a long dump in the restaurant bathroom tomorrow so I can sit on the toilet and read fanfiction, know you helped me do that, each and every one of you. Bless.

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hi Steph! reading your blog has become a sort of guilty pleasure for me. Thanks for everything, it’s so clear that you put a lot of time and energy into your content. I was wondering if you have any johnlock fics that feature a particularly well-written or memorable original character? I always love to see how authors integrate their own character creations into johnlock stories!

Hey Nonny!

Ahhhh!! This is a GREAT request, because I like well-written OC’s in fics, so yeah, this is a great list to make. Here’s what I recall from my bookmarks. Please add your own faves, friends!

MEMORABLE ORIGINAL CHARACTERS

Ex by Itsallfine (T, 1,248 w., 1 Ch. || Angsty Fluff, Love Confessions, Coming Out, Exes, First Kiss, Fake Relationship, Getting Outed) – One night, in the midst of their post-case high and on the cusp of something more, John and Sherlock run into John’s ex. His ex-boyfriend.

The Prize We Sought Is Won by deathfrisbees (E, 4,610 w., 1 Ch. || First Time, Mild D/S, Oral, Military Kink, Bottomlock) – Sherlock's in love, or in lust, or both--unfortunately, the object of his affections is not only his completely oblivious flatmate, but said flatmate would probably run screaming into the hills should he find out. John's been invited to a wedding--unfortunately, the groom used to serve under him back in Afghanistan, and requests that John wear a uniform he's honestly not sure he fits into. Unfortunately for both flatmates, Sherlock's got a military kink the size of Kandahar and John wants to know if he actually can fit into this uniform or if his eyes are deceiving him. It goes from there.

Time on my hands by Mildredandbobbin (M, 7,179 w., 1 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-S3, One Night Stands, Mutual Pining, Virgin Sherlock, First Time, Sexual Exploration / Discovery, Desperation, Body Worship) – Virginity’s a construct, a concept—what does losing one’s virginity entail for a gay man anyway? Sherlock wants to fill that particular gap in his knowledge but John won’t, can’t, never will assist and there’s only so much desperately unspoken pining even Sherlock can take.

High and Tight, Soft and Loose by cwb (E, 7,429 w., 1 Ch. || Jealous John, Miscommunications / Misunderstandings, First Kiss / Time, BAMF John, Insecure Sherlock, Clueless Sherlock, POV John, Embarrassed John, Adorable Sherlock, Junk Size, UST / RST) – John pressed the knuckle of his index finger against his mouth and sighed. “So, you're coiled like a spring and ready to be ... sprung?” “If you want to be pedestrian about it, yes.” “Like I said, you should do something about that.” “And like I said, pedestrian. What would you have me do? Take up jogging? Yoga? Oh! Unless you mean –” “I don't mean anything. Let’s drop it.”

Matters of National Security by mistyzeo (E, 8,465 w., 1 Ch. || BAMF John, Doctor John, Jealous Sherlock, Dating, Bisexuality, Arguing, Stupidity, Teasing, First Kiss/Time, Hand Jobs, Frottage, RST, Idiots in Love) – John starts dating a male client of Sherlock's, and Sherlock can't figure out why he's so incensed about it.

High Tide by stardust_made (T, 8,540 w., 1 Ch. || Jealousy, Angst, First Kiss) – A little favour Sherlock stupidly agrees to do for Mycroft leads to John meeting a handsome, affluent man, who is going out of his way to woo him. Sherlock struggles with the situation and with his own reactions to it. Part 1 of The High Tide Series

Iris by slashscribe (E, 11,948 w., 1 Ch. || Parentlock, Pining Sherlock, Post-S3) – Sherlock does his best to make John happy when John comes back to 221B with his new baby after the events of Season 3, but Sherlock has a track record of getting things wrong in this area. This story is an exploration of their gradual shift from friends to lovers, told from Sherlock's perspective, full of a lot of pining and lack of emotional awareness.

A Brand of Gold by aquabelacqua (M, 12,757 w., 1 Ch. || Mutual Pining, POV John, Phone Sex, Texting, Masturbation, Long Distance, Drunk Texting) – What am I doing? he wondered. The answer came back at once: Flirting. He let the vital, missing piece snap into place as surely and as cleanly as if it had always been there. He was flirting with Sherlock Holmes.

Twelfth Night by yourdykeinshiningarmor (E, 15,139 w., 5 Ch. || Fake Relationship, Christmas, Mutual Pining, Friends to Lovers, Angst & Fluff, BJ’s, Anal) – John is invited to his aunt's Twelfth Night ball. Sherlock offers to attend with him as a friendly face among strangers, but John's family force him to address his true feelings for Sherlock.

Vessel by Rhuia (E, 15,695 w., 1 Ch. || Cancer, Medfic) – That was the surprising bit – the way his doctor said it, eyes shining with sympathy but breathing it out, shifting it off her shoulders and thrusting it onto his, making him take it like an unwanted gift.

A Life Well-Lived by Kate_Lear (E, 20,121 w., 1 Ch. || Original Male Character, Sherlock Woos John, Jealous Sherlock, Reluctant Bi-John, Past Abuse, Insecure John, Reassuring / Caring Sherlock, Protective Sherlock, Understanding Sherlock) – John got scared off men by an abusive past relationship. Sherlock has to try and woo him while not scaring him off with protective possessive rage.

Winter's Delights by Kate_Lear (E, 21,173 w., 1 Ch. || Holmes Family, Christmas, Fake Relationship, Friends to Lovers, Bed Sharing, Domestics) – Sherlock takes John home for Christmas to meet the extended Holmes family. Part 1 of Winter's Delights

A Shipless Ocean by myswordfishmind (M, 22,135 w., 4 Ch. || Post-TRF, John has a Kid, Angst, Reunion, Falling in Love, Open Ending) – Ten years after the fall Sherlock goes back to London to find that John no longer lives there. Instead, he resides in a seaside town, a widower, and the father of a seven year old son. Now, Sherlock must struggle with the fact that there may no longer be a place for him in this new world.

Maintaining A Personal Life by Gingerhermit (E, 24,284 w., 6 Ch. || Alternating POV’s, Bisexuality, BAMF!John, Jealous Sherlock, Romance / Drama, Sort-of Case Fic, Peril & Angst, Love Confessions, Toplock, Soft Idiots in Love, Post S3) – Sherlock and John discover some interesting revelations about each other’s sexuality, which lead them both to question the assumptions they've made about one another for years. In the midst of their mutual discoveries, a dangerous psychopath looms on the side-lines who threatens to destroy their new beginning.

26 Pieces by Lanning (E, 28,236 w., 1 Ch. || H/C, Torture, First Time, Happy Ending, Schmoop, Past Abuse) – Mycroft gives Sherlock the apparently simple task of solving a puzzle box containing a stolen microchip. It isn't simple.

Where Else Would I Be? by cwb (E, 34,910 w., 10 Ch. || Retirementlock, Domestic Fluff, Falling in Love, Parentlock, Fluff and Smut, Reminiscing) – John and Sherlock's five-year-old granddaughter spends the weekend with them in Sussex. Sherlock happily indulges her whims, and John takes care of them while quietly revisiting the past thirty years of their lives together.

Classified(s) by blueink3 (E, 36,153 w., 4 Ch. || Wedding Date AU || Fake Relationship, Jealous, PIning, H/C, Idiots in Love, Happy Ending, Mary is not Nice, Escort Service) – Clara's American father is the ambassador to some such territory that Great Britain probably used to own, but she (and Harry’s undying love for her) is the reason John is getting on a flight at 12:30pm, flying across the second largest ocean in the world, and pretending to be in a perfectly happy, healthy relationship with an undoubtedly perfectly coiffed stranger. See, Clara is not only American (and wealthy to boot), she's also best friends with John’s ex-fiancée. Whom she's placed in the wedding party. As Maid of Honor. And John just happens to be Best Man. Bloody brilliant.

Nothing to Make a Song About by emmagrant01 (E, 36,833 w., 10 Ch. || Post-TRF, First Time, Reunion, Jealous John, Pining Sherlock, Romance, Angst with Happy Ending, Sherlock Has a Boyfriend) – When Sherlock returned from his faked death, John could not forgive him for the deception and broke off their friendship. Ten years later, John returns to London in search of yet another new beginning. Sherlock, not surprisingly, is waiting.

Set in Stone by SilentAuror (E, 39,309 w., 1 Ch. || Romance, Wedding, Therapy, Fluff and Angst) – Sherlock and John are back from Ravine Valley and planning their wedding. However, as they move past the trial of the human traffickers, Sherlock can't help but wonder if he's imagining that John is becoming a little distant. Surely he isn't getting cold feet about the wedding... Part 2 of The Ravine Valley series

Only To Be With You by SinceWhenDoYouCallMe_John (M, 40,768 w., 4 Ch. || Black Mirror / Future AU || Character Death, Future Technology, Sickness/Cancer/Illness, Heavy Angst with Happy Ending, First Person POV John, Pining John, Heart-Wrenching Angst, Promise of Forever) – I tell myself that next time I’ll come near this same place again. Wait around for the mysterious stranger in his coat to dash past me, hot on the heels of a new criminal in black. I think this all the way back to my Exit, planning where I’ll wait and what I’ll say when I see him. Scheming on how to get his name. It’s only once I reach the Exit Point door that I realize two hours and forty-five minutes have passed, and I realize that this won’t be the last time I Visit. It won’t be the last time at all.

Corpus Hominis by mycapeisplaid (E, 47,709 w., 12 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Case Fic, Fluff, Romance, Frottage, Angst, Anal, Blow Jobs, Rimming, Spas / Massages, Shampoo, Jealousy, Fake Relationship) - John knows the human body intimately. He’s had plenty of opportunity for study as a doctor, soldier, and lover. There’s one particular body, however, he knows very little about. When Sherlock launches himself head-first into a new obsession and they get sent on a case in an unlikely location, the pair discovers each other’s bodies with confusing yet delightful (and sometimes hilarious) results.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse by SilentAuror (E, 50,635 w., 1 Ch. || Post-S4/S4 Divergence, Case Fic, For a Case / Reverse Fake-Relationship, Conferences, Marriage Equality, Travelling / New York, Pride, Homophobia, Bottomlock, Marriage Proposal, John POV, Sexuality, Love Confessions, Emotional Love Making, Public Hand Jobs, Blow Jobs, Passionate Kissing, Needy/Clingy Sherlock, Virgin Sherlock, Touching / Hand Holding, Bed Sharing, Little Spoon Sherlock, Intense Orgasms) – John and Sherlock go to New York to attend a conference run by the National Defence of Traditional Marriage Coalition in order to investigate the potential bombing of the annual Manhattan Pride parade. As the conference unfolds, John finds himself repulsed by the toxic ideology being presented, which becomes relevent to his own unacknowledged issues and his friendship with Sherlock...

Coventry by standbygo (E, 52,020 w., 26 Ch. || Dollhouse AU || Case Fic, Slow Burn, Sci-Fi / Fantasy, First Kiss / Time, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, BAMF John, Falling in Love) – “Let me get this straight,” John said, wondering when his life had become a science fiction film. “Some guy orders up a personality, a person, to his specifications, and they program this into a real live person, who has consented to do this, and she goes to this person and acts as his wife, or lawyer, or Royal Marine, or Navy Seal or what have you, and she has all the skills, all the knowledge, everything? Then you say the magic words, and she follows you back to The House, and they erase it all until her next appointment?”

Albion and the Woodsman by Glenmore (NR [E], 54,437 w., 50 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post S3, Parentlock, Pining Sherlock, Angst, Family, Drug Use, Depression, Sherlock POV, Light Humour, Reconnecting, Declarations of Love) – Sherlock and John are devastated after Mary Morstan makes her final moves. Sherlock relapses at the crack house, John walks around the world … and a lot happens in between. Parentlock, in the good way.

Wars We Fought, Things We're Not by blueink3 (M, 55,204 w., 10 Ch. || Post S3 / Post TAB, Parentlock, Fluff & Angst, Kidnapping, Whump, Post-TAB, UST/URT, 3G, Mild Peril, Slow Burn, Couple for a Case, Protective Mycroft, Infant Death Pre-Story, Friends to Lovers) –  Five months after John's world has fallen apart, Mycroft sends the consulting detective and his doctor on a case that neither is prepared for.

Isosceles by SilentAuror (E, 56,609 w., 7 Ch. || Post-S4, POV John, Original Male Character / Sherlock Dates Another Man, Love Triangle, Jealous John, Virgin Sherlock, Sexual Coaching, Angst, Romance, Domesticity, Unrequited Feelings, Miscommunication, First Kiss/Time, For a Case, Friends With Benefits, Bottomlock, Love Confessions, Spooning) – After solving a case for a major celebrity, Sherlock gets himself asked out. When John asks, he discovers that Sherlock has no intention of going, at least not until John agrees to coach him through whatever he might need to know for his date...

The Great Sex Olympics of 221B by XistentialAngst (E, 58,611 w., 10 Ch. || First Time/Kiss, Experiments / Sexual Experimentations, Multi Pairings, Voyeurism) – John Watson thinks Sherlock Holmes should admit that he, Watson, is more of an expert on sex than Sherlock is. But Sherlock refuses to concede the point. He comes up with an experiment plan that will resolve the issue. The results will determine who wins the prize. But sometimes even the best thought-out scientific study has unexpected consequences.

Bridging the Ravine by SilentAuror (E, 58,887 w., 3 Ch. || Post S4, Couple For a Case, Bed-Sharing, First Times, Confessions, Awkwardness, Sex Trafficking, Massages, Wet T-Shirt Contest, Group Therapy, Past Loss of Child) – Sherlock and John go undercover at Ravine Valley, a therapy centre for same-sex male couples in an investigation into a possible human trafficking ring. As they pose as a couple and fake their way through the therapy sessions for the sake of the case, it quickly becomes difficult to avoid discussing their very real issues. Set roughly six nine months after series 4.

The Bells of King's College by SilentAuror (E, 64,019 w., 5 Ch. || Post-S4, Missed Opportunities, Angst with Happy Ending, Fake Relationship, Case Fic, John POV, Jealous John, John in Denial, Travelling / Holidays, Virgin Sherlock, Wedding Proposals) – It's only been two weeks since Eurus Holmes disrupted their lives when Mycroft sends John and Sherlock to Cambridge to pose as an engaged couple at a wedding show in the hopes of solving six unsolved deaths...

Summit Fever by J_Baillier (M, 78,802 w., 18 Ch. || Mountain Climber AU || POV John, Angst, Tragedy, Suicidal Ideation, The Himalayas, Mountain Guide / Doctor John, Mount Climber Sherlock, Loneliness, Drama, Suspense, Slow Burn, Injured Sherlock / Sherlock Whump, Pining John) – After graduating from medical school, John Watson followed his heart to the Himalayas. Ten years later, he's a haunted cynic working for his ex-lover's trekking and mountaineering company. Will leading an expedition to Annapurna I—the most lethal of all the world's highest mountains—shake John out of his reverie, and who is the mystery client added to the group at the last minute?

Secrets and Revelations by Hisstah (E, 83,535 w., 9 Ch. || Sentinel / Guides Omegaverse AU || Adventure, Violence, Anal / Oral, Omega!John / Alpha!Sherlock, Case Fic, Politics, Mild DubCon) – Dr John Watson has some major secrets that he's kept from his flatmate, Alpha Sentinel Sherlock Holmes. Now the Sentinel Tower is after him. Can John stay out of their hands until he can reveal his secrets to Sherlock? Part 1 of Secrets and Revelations

Thermocline by J_Baillier (M, 83,557 w., 14 Ch. || Scuba Diving AU || Adventure, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Marine Archaeology, Asexual Sherlock, Horny John, Relationship Drama, Technical/Scuba/Wreck Diving, Slow Burn, Underwater /  Medical Peril, Doctor John, Hurt Sherlock, Anxious Sherlock, John POV, Protective John, Body Appreciation) – John "Five Oceans" Watson — technical dive instructor, dive accident analyst and weapon of mass seduction — meets recluse professor of maritime archaeology Holmes. As they head out to a remote archipelago off the coast of Guatemala to study and film its shipwrecks for a documentary, will sparks fly or fizzle out?

Maintenance and Repair by patternofdefiance (E, 106,650 w., 71 Ch. || Future AU, Augmentation || Augmented John, Depression, Body Modification, Slow Burn, Worldbuilding, Sci-Fi, Self-Care, Body Dysmorphia) – John wants to explain the rush of sensation and data, which is just another form of sensation (or is it the other way around?). John wants to say: Augmentation circuits report temperature, pressure, various forms of quantitative input. Sudden changes are reported as pain, since sudden changes are dangerous, and pain is the quickest way to encourage reflexive extraction. But all John can manage is, “Nng.” Because this sudden touch is not reporting as pain. Part 2 of STATIC

The Burning Heart by May_Shepard (M, 119,150 w., 21 Ch. || Canon Divergence, Post-TRF, John’s Sexuality, S3 Rewrite, Pining, Angst with a Happy Ending, POV John Watson, John’s Gay) – When Sherlock dies, John Watson feels like his life is over too. He’s completely shut down, until Mark Morstan, a new nurse at John’s medical clinic, catches his attention, and helps him uncover the long buried truth of his attraction to men. Although he’s certain he’ll never get over Sherlock, John plans to move on, and build a new life with Mark, unaware that Sherlock is not quite as dead as he appears, and that Mark is hiding secrets of his own.

The Swan Triad Series by Pennin_Ink (T, 121,660 w. across 3 works || Swan Lake AU || Magical / Fairy Tale AU, Romance, Falling in Love, Pining, Psychological Torture, Transformation) – Sherlock and John grow up spending every summer together. Their mothers' attempts to play matchmaker only fuel their mutual resentment and scorn. But then, one summer.

Colors by Quesarasara (E, 140,537 w., 17 Ch. || Pleasantville-Inspired AU || Soulmates, Colour Bonds, Alternating POV, Angst, Fluff, Pining, Case Fic, Medical Procedures) – Everyone on earth is born with eyes that see in black, white, and an endless series of greys. When you meet your soulmate, you finally see the world in color. We're all searching for the person who brings color to our lives. John and Sherlock are no exception. Part 1 of The Colors 'Verse

The Adventure of the Silver Scars by tangledblue (NR [M], 142,458 w., 41 Ch. || S3 Fix-It, Post-HLV/ Post-TAB / Canon Compliant, Case Fic, No Baby, Angst, Humour, UST, Slow Burn, Angry John, Reconciliation, Not Nice Mary / Leaving Mary, Dependent Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Caretaker John, Fist Fights, It’s An Experiment, Virgin Sherlock, Dancing, Drugging, John Whump, Pet Names, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Scars) – It’s been thirteen months since Mary shot Sherlock and John finds he’s still pissed off about it. Sherlock had thought everything was settled: John and Mary, domestic bliss. But when John turns up at Baker Street with suitcases, the world’s only consulting detective might not be prepared for the consequences. A new case. Some old scores to settle. Certain danger. Concertos, waltzes, and whisky.

The Lost Special: Family Matters (As Do Relationships) by ShirleyCarlton  (M, 144,688 w., 40 Ch. || S4 Fix It Fic, Unreliable Narrator, John’s Mind Bungalow, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending) – Sherrinford is not really the name of some high security prison. That was just a figment of John’s frantic coma dream. And Eurus is not actually Sherlock’s sister. That’s just something random she said to John before shooting him. Sherlock and John were never actually estranged. That was just their act to cover up what really happened to Mary – or Rosamund Moran, as her real name has turned out to be. Sherlock does have a secret sibling, though, and his name is Sherrinford. After finally eliminating Moran – though in a rather dramatically different way than they had envisioned – and exposing the truth about Eurus, John encourages Sherlock to delve into his past and to find out whether the reasons to keep Sherrinford away from Sherlock were the right ones, and to discover what really happened in 1981. Along the way, Sherlock and John gradually, finally, stop keeping each other at a distance, and eventually become a proper family of their own. (SC’s version of Sherrinford may as well be an OC; he’s well written and different from Canon)

Sketchy by serpentynka (E, 184,053 w., 83 Ch. || Post-TRF, Post-Mary, John Whump, Slow Burn Love Story, Case Fic, Art, Porn With Feelings, Switchlock, Travelling, Career Change, Family Secrets, Illness / Health) – What (and who) will be left when nobody cares about your Work? A slow-burn fic with cases, places, mistaken identities, unfair choices, essential changes, violent feels, blatant lies, fearless portraiture, family secrets, high-risk bespoke gifts, durable friendships, bedtime stories, foreign travel and tongues, sickness (and health), and the significance of things which are slow to unfurl -- but cannot be ignored. Oh, and...porn. Part 1: Sherlock takes on an obvious case (barely a 4) and meets someone who will force him to re-examine what it means to see. Part 1 of Sketchy

The Gilded Cage by BeautifulFiction (E, 326,887 w., 31 Ch. || Omegaverse || Omega Sherlock / Alpha John, Friends to Lovers, Dub Con, Reproductive Rights) – In a world where Omegas are the property of the elite Alphas, locked away and treasured by those wealthy enough to buy them, John never questioned his flatmate's secondary gender. Sherlock Holmes was an Alpha through-and through. Wasn't he? A chance discovery turns the world on its head, and John is left grappling to come to terms with Sherlock's past as events conspire to threaten their future.

[eagles-translated]

Season 3 Prediction Post | Felicia Kroon

This is the prediction post for Felicia in the upcoming season of Eagles! I will be making prediction posts for the other main characters as well.

I think Felicia is going to have a really tough time this season (as per usual, even if I would've liked to see her happy through this season).

The description of season 3 on SVT Play mentions that "Ludde and Felicia’s relationship is still affected by their history and it also turns out that their plans for the future are not entirely in sync". From this, I'm pretty certain that something is going to happen between her and Ludde that causes yet another rift in their relationship. I'm sure they'll spend at least a few episodes together before this happens, though. From these shots alone there doesn't seem to be any problems between them. They're also seen together at Ola's funeral (which will happen in the first episode of the season), so my prediction is that something will happen that creates tension between them but they won't actually break up. They'll spend time apart and maybe even take a break from each other, but they won't officially be over.

I think it would be too repetitive to have them break up again after spending a whole season apart. That isn't to say that they won't have problems—namely with Felicia's drug problems that still haven't been properly addressed, plus the abortion Felicia had that we still don't know anything about. During a fight with Jack, he threatened to leak Felicia's abortion to the press. We don't know when this abortion took place but I have two guesses to this. My first guess is that maybe she found out she was pregnant after she and Ludde broke up, and that she decided to have the abortion around the time when she ran off to the US. If this is true, then it makes sense that Felicia told Jack about it. When Felicia came back from the US in the beginning of season 2, she had virtually nobody she could talk to. She wasn't friends with Amie anymore, Elias was in Karlskrona, and her parents were right in the middle of a divorce. Felicia didn't even feel like she could talk about the divorce with her mom when they were together in the US, so she certainly wouldn't open up about having had an abortion. Being in a situation like this where she was really struggling and having nobody to talk to, I'm sure Felicia really overwhelmed. And when she reconnected with Jack and they got closer she finally had someone to talk to about all her problems and tell this secret to. All this was of course prior to Felicia finding out that Jack had cheated on her. The other alternative is that Felicia got pregnant after getting together with Jack, and then got the abortion. In season 2, episode 7 (conveniently titled Secrets) we see a scene of Felicia and Jack making out on a bed. Things are getting pretty steamy between them but Felicia stops Jack and quickly apologizes. He's confused and asks what wrong—it's not that she didn't want to do it or that she was still upset over the text Jack sent to his summer flirt Olivia, so what is it? We get the explanation that Felicia has a lot going on in her head and that things are tough for her. Jack says she can tell him anything and the scene ends there.

Maybe she'd just found out she was pregnant, and that's why she didn't feel like doing anything with Jack. It's very plausible that Felicia told him after the scene ends and maybe Jack knew she was going to get an abortion (or had already done it, prior to that moment, and felt ill because of that). Point is, that scene could be where Jack found out about the whole thing only to use it against Felicia later when his true colors came out. Anyway, knowing Felicia had an abortion at some point and that Jack will most likely use the information to ruin her reputation, maybe this is the reason for the drama between Felicia and Ludde. He might even find out from the tabloids and question her about it. I think when the news drop in these gossip magazines is when Felicia has her mental breakdown (or maybe the culmination of everything). We've seen a few behind the scenes shot of her being emotional and possibly having cried in a forest.

Here is that scene pictured in the trailer, where we see Felicia reacting to hundreds of comments (most likely) made about her from people on social media. There's also a shot of her running through the forest, maybe trying to run away from all her problems.

These are, from the looks of it, all hate messages. In the trailer we hear Felicia say "I'm so ashamed", which could allude to her being ashamed over the news of her abortion spreading. Maybe Jack even twisted the circumstances to make her look bad, which could explain why these comments seem so aggressive. When Ludde finds this out (maybe preoccupied with the whole trial where Jack reported him for getting violent at the party where Ludde hit him with a crutch and also his brother potentially getting out of prison) I'm sure this will cause a strain in the relationship. It would probably be really overwhelming to find out this secret in the middle of all that. I also feel like Ludde is the type of person to get angry over Felicia not having told him—in the trailer we hear him yelling "what the hell are you thinking?"—rather than being calm and collected over it. This could lead to Felicia's drug problems getting even worse. There's this shot of her in the trailer saying "What do you have?". This could be about anything, really, but it could also be Felicia going back to her bad habit of abusing hard drugs when she hits a low point.

I'd like to think that Ludde notices how Felicia is having a really tough time and helps her with the drug problem, but I doubt it. Maybe it would make more sense if her family helps her, considering how Mats knows a little about the struggles she's had and how Elias is aware of it.

There are two more shots in the trailer that I'm unsure of, namely these ones:

The first one is Felicia being caught off-guard after noticing a man having walked up to her. This could be Ludde or even Jack, who has been pretty absent from both trailers. Maybe he goes back to the US after the whole trial ordeal and having told the media about Felicia's abortion, or maybe not.

The second picture is Felicia reacting to something. She's shocked. I don't really have any guesses for what this could be except for maybe her seeing for the first time that her abortion secret is no longer a secret. But for all I know the abortion could be a way smaller plot point than I originally thought, or maybe even something that was completely made up by Jack?

To finish this off, I revisited this comment made by @elliephunk80 on an old prediction post i made on the final three episodes of season 2 where I claimed that Jack probably cheated on Felicia.

I really ship Felicia and Ludde but I hope you’re wrong about Jack being unfaithful. If she reunites with Ludde I dont like the thought of her going from one unfaithful man to an other. Can’t even think of what that would do to her… If that’s the way its gonna be I just hope she stays single for a long time to rebuild.

I think this is a really interesting point to bring up. Felicia and Ludde are framed as the main couple of Eagles and that they're destined to be end-game no matter all the obstacles they have to go through to get there.

But perhaps they're not really meant to be together? As the season description from SVT said, "[...] it also turns out that [Felicia and Ludde's] plans for the future are not entirely in sync". We also know how many problems these two have had from the relatively short time they've spent together as a couple. Maybe the best thing for Felicia is to be single and work on her mental and substance abuse problems, and the best thing for Ludde is to reconnect with his brother who probably needs a lot of support after getting out of prison.

Nevertheless, I'm really interested in seeing how season 3 turns out and how much of this was completely wrong lmao. My main hope for Felicia is just that she's happy and getting proper help at the end of the season, because I'm getting a little tired of how much the writers have been bashing her. For some reason Felicia always has it the worst—and I can understand to some degree why with her whole backstory and the pressure of being a public figure—but that doesn't mean we necessarily need three whole seasons to show how much Felicia is struggling. I really hope season 3 is when she finally receives the support she needs from the people around her.

[imagineimaginethat]

Okay so you did telling nobunaga you’re pregnant, but could you do the same for shingen? In his route he literally says he wanted a family but didn’t think he could have one bc his illness

Hi! I already did one for Shingen, here is the link. But I wanted to revisit it from his point of view in a short fanfic!

**Requests are open!

Shingen had always wanted a family, but with each passing day he doubted he’d be able to. This was something he had on his mind often, of course, if he ever brought it up to his wonderful wife, she would tell him the family they have in their friends is more than enough. However, Shingen saw the way she played with other children in town, how she made little clothes as gifts for some of the maids’ children, and how happy she would be whenever someone announced their pregnancy to her. He also swore he saw a look of longing cross over her features shortly after, but when he brought it up, she’d always dismiss it, in favor of protecting his heart. She truly was an angel. Shingen wasn’t sure exactly how to bring up and get her to truly tell him how she felt, he knew she wouldn’t change her mind about him, this he was sure of now, more than anything. She made sure he knew just how much she loved him every single day they spent together, and he did his best to meet her efforts tenfold.

Shingen was always prone to being concerned about his love, how could he not be? She was always wandering around and befriending everyone, not to mention she had a habit of being clumsy on occasions. So, one day when he wakes to find she woke up feeling sick, he is a bit on edge, but it seems to be passing, but he insists they spend a day in together anyway, just to be sure. She seems to be okay from that point on, until a few days later when she is sick again. Shingen recommends that she see a doctor, but she assures him, she doesn’t feel that bad, and that she’ll be okay in a few days at most. This seems to be true, because after a while she doesn’t suffer from anymore sickness, or so he thought. That was until he heard a few of the maids speaking in a hushed voice, in concern for his love’s health. Had she hid being sick from him? Why? What if it was serious? He would have to bring it up to her, but he had been so busy with work, he wasn’t sure when he’d have the chance.

Finally, the perfect occasion came up, a festival was supposed to be held not that far away, it would be a perfect way to get her alone and to talk about what has been going on through his mind. When they met to depart he noticed she was carrying a parcel in her arms, no doubt something she had for him, but she insisted on waiting to show him what it was until later in the evening, perhaps after the fireworks. He could agree to that and happily spent time looking at different vendors and walking through the crowds of people. They talked about small things going on around the castle, some funny rumors she had heard, and he caught her up to speed with what he had been doing with his work that had kept him busy for the past few days. When you two finally decide to watch the festival from a bit farther away, he knows it’s the perfect time.

He sat with her on a tall hill and smiled, her beauty illuminated by the soft lights just below them and the moon up above, “Has something been bothering you lately? I’ve heard whispers that you’ve been unwell,” he keeps his tone serious, but he knows she can probably hear how concerned he is.

“I have something I want to tell you, but first I want to give you something.”

When she gives him the haori his face lights up in appreciation, it was wonderful, made from a thick material that would be excellent for the winter, or cool nights. He held it up, “you never cease to amaze me, my love,” he takes another moment kiss her on the cheek as a thank you, just before he notices another piece of fabric slip out. He knew she usually reused any left-over fabric, had she possibly left it on purpose? Shingen picked up the fallen fabric and realized quickly it was a tiny haori, surely it could only fit a child. Perhaps she had meant to give it to one of the maids who was expecting. Shingen felt a pang in his chest, that was the other thing he had wanted to talk to her about, but why had she gone to the trouble of making him a haori? There wasn’t special occasion or anything, or had he missed something? Putting everything he knew together, there was another tug at his heart, but he was scared to believe it. He had to hear it from her lips, just to be sure, he had to know. He his love close to him, wrapping his arms around her tightly and placing her in his lap.

“Tell me what it is you wanted to share with me?”

The way she smiled at him was more than enough of an answer, but he still waited.

She was beginning to get teary eyed despite her big smile as she spoke, surely she could feel his joy, despite how he tried to hide it, “I’m pregnant. You’re going to be a dad and mph-“ he kissed her and then again and again because, he was truly amazed. His heart felt like it would burst from how happy he was.

“Life bringing goddess,” he holds her as close as he can, “time and time again, I think you have made me as happy as I possibly can be, and time and time again, I find that your prove me wrong. I love you.”

His love. Their family. Their family was growing and Shingen was more than ready to face any and all obstacles that dared step in their way.

[strawberrysoup]

Inconsiderate

Thank you so much for the request @ozarkthedog​ I really hope you like it! I’ll revisit your other req soon for sure

Relationship: Steve Rogers x Reader

Prompts: #12 “We could... take a nap together” & #34 “Will you carry me to bed?” 

It had been so fucking convenient at first. You both lived and worked at the Avengers Compound, your schedule was consistent but flexible which worked nicely with his more sporadic and unyielding one. He was too wrapped up in his own head to accidentally catch any feelings and you had zero intentions of starting anything with someone like him.

Captain America was one of those always in the spotlight kinda guys, famous and intriguing and historically significant. The idea of being seen as Steve Rogers’ Girlfriend was petrifying in at least 5 different ways (+2 damage on specific calendar days: The 4th of July and Valentine’s Day). That wasn’t to say he wasn’t a great guy, because he absolutely was. He was a dream come true in multiple ways.

That was actually the problem, in fact. That Steve Rogers was a great fuckin’ guy. He was kind and thoughtful and sincere, all wrapped up in a beautiful angsty package. He didn’t just remember you offhandedly mentioning how much you enjoyed detailed coloring books and purchase you a couple, he hand drew a 40 page coloring book for you. When you complained the headset you wore at work made your ears hurt, he didn’t just buy you a new pair but he asked Tony Stark to make you better ones.

He also clammed up at the barest hint of emotion, acting like you had shocked him with a damn cattle prod the one time you’d said ‘I really like you Steve’. You hadn’t even meant it like that and he’d started twitching. You weren’t sure if it was a commitment phobia or what but it made fucking him 3 times a week a breeze (3 times a week might’ve been a lowball estimation but you told yourself he was out of town so often it averaged out the weeks where you couldn’t keep your hands off of each other).

Or, it was a breeze anyway. Until he continued to be so fucking perfect. It was inconsiderate of him, honestly, to remember your little brother’s birthday and also your practically excessive coffee order. He should’ve tried being more of a douche bag and then maybe you wouldn’t have started to maybe fall in love with him.

It was his fault, if you really thought about it. He didn’t have to be so kind and gentle and then turn around and plow you through a mattress with a hand around your throat. He really didn’t.

Settling on it being All His Damn Fault made avoiding him easier, for a couple of days at least. But your ire faded while his concerned and sad text messages kept coming and you quickly realized you needed to come up with both a lie regarding why you’d ghosted him and also get a fucking grip on yourself before you saw him again. Because you would of course, still be seeing him. You cursed your apparent penchant for self-destruction.

You worked through the whole day skillfully avoiding him, dodging and weaving almost like a real agent in your efforts to put off confronting him for just one more day. You’d text him in the evening when you got off and face him tomorrow, when you’d had enough time to thoroughly panic and then calm back down.

By the time you clocked off you were very ready to go home and vomit from anxiety before texting him. The door knob to your apartment turned when the built in handprint scanner cleared your identity and you burst in, slamming it shut behind you and dropping your purse in your haste to dash to the bathroom. It was a relief that your hair was already pulled back, you didn’t have the energy to wash your hair tonight.

It took a few minutes for you to realize you weren’t alone, that someone’s hand was on your back. When you built up the courage to look to the side, Steve was sitting there with that concerned puppy expression on his face.

“Is this why you haven’t been answering my texts?” His voice was a low rumble, fingers digging gently into the muscles of your back, “how long have you been sick? I was waiting for you to get home, didn’t expect you to run right past me.”

“I’m fine, sorry.” Embarrassment had settled over your skin like oil, slick and cold and heavy.

“Come on doll, up you go,” his hands came up under your arms and lifted you until you got your feet under you.

“Sorry Steve, I probably won’t be any fun tonight,” you told yourself that omitting the truth of why you’d been avoiding him wasn’t terribly important; he really didn’t need to know.

But you winced slightly and reached up to brush some of the tears off your face, what a thing to say. You hadn’t even looked in the mirror but you knew you looked like a whole ass disaster and it was so humiliating to look like that in front of Steve. He was constantly beautiful, fuck, he was probably pretty even when he was spewing chunks. It would be so much easier to get him to leave than try to explain all the details of why fucking you tonight would be an overall unenjoyable situation.

Plus, Steve rarely stuck around if it was just the two of you for an extended period of time that wasn’t going to result in sex. You couldn’t say for certain, but you were pretty sure he was afraid it might indicate some sort of intimacy. Despite the fact that you fucked, often, he did his best to keep you at a distance (not that it worked, you still fell in love with him—his fault, he should’ve done a better job).

“Oh, I—” He cut himself off, making sure you were carefully leaning against the bathroom counter before withdrawing a step, “well, I actually came over to check on you. I thought maybe I’d done something wrong, I wanted to apologize.”

He better stop being so goddamn concerned and sweet. You bit into your bottom lip maybe slightly harder than was a good idea, trying to reign your brain in from the errant thoughts that swam into your mind at his words. He was so fucking thoughtful, it was like he was trying to get you to suck his dick.

“No, Steve, you didn’t do anything wrong,” you shook your head and sighed, reaching for your toothbrush, “I’m the one who’s sorry, I’ve been ignoring everyone, not just you. I can definitely shoot you a text in a day or two, I’d hate to get you sick.”

An extra couple of days to avoid him sounded like just the trick to eradicate some pesky feelings.

“Well, I know…” Steve rubbed the back of his neck, “I know that usually you’d go to Sharon’s if you were sick, is everything okay?”

Ah yes, you could practically see him vibrating with discomfort as he broached something personal and intimate. It was par the course really and emphasized how important it would be to not fall in love with the emotionally stunted superhero you were fucking.

“Yeah, I just don’t want her to get sick either. It’s been… particularly uncomfortable,” that was actually true, you’d been very uncomfortable for the last few days.

“I don’t get sick you know,” his eyes met yours for just half a second before he looked away, “I could… I could stay with you, so you’re not alone. That’s why you go stay with Sharon usually, right?”

It was, yeah. Being alone while you were ill made you absolutely miserable and you’d cry the entire time, but Steve knowing that was so embarrassing. He wasn’t supposed to know that, which meant Sharon had been opening her big mouth recently. There was no telling the amount of confidential information had been breached at this point and you needed Steve out of your apartment, quickly, so you could phone the blonde and threaten to properly thrash her.

“I know you’re probably really tired, I won’t keep you up or anything,” you couldn’t for the life of you figure out why he was pressing further into not Strictly Booty Call Only territory, “We could… take a nap together? I’ll wake up in an hour or two to check on you, I could call some food up?”

You were quiet long enough to make him sweat, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. In a less serious predicament you might wonder if he’d been body snatched or hypnotized, but Steve was staring you down intently, fully cognizant of the fact he’d just asked to sleep in the same bed as you and have dinner with you later.

“That… sounds nice,” your chest tightened, an emotional war raging in your brain as your stupid crush on him tried to overcome your carefully crafted nonchalant mask, “I… um, I’ll just brush my teeth.”

“Yeah, I’ll be right back, okay?” He took a few steps back, glancing towards the door.

“Uh, yeah, sure thing.” Considering that you and Steve had gotten reasonably comfortable around each other, it was potentially the most uncomfortable conversation you’d had since you initially discussed a no strings attached fucking situation.

He skirted out of the bathroom and you turned your attention to brushing your teeth and washing your face, wincing slightly at the realization that he’d be seeing you for the first time without make up. You looked just a little pathetic when he came back barefoot (of course he’d had to remove his shoes next to the front door before going into your bedroom, it was just so goddamn endearing and polite), patting your face dry and frowning into the mirror.

“Don’t look so sad, you’ll feel better soon,” his conclusion was evidently that you were saddened to tears by your illness—which, depending on the bullshit Sharon had spewed, could potentially be backed up by evidence, “what can I do?”

You made your eyes big, looking up at him through your lashes to play it up, “will you carry me to bed?”

“Sure doll,” he swept you up in his arms with so much ease you could’ve swooned—you were allowed to take advantage of this situation, but only for a little while, you reasoned.

It couldn’t hurt too much to let him take care of you, right? It’s not like you could accidentally fall in love with him more.

[arrivalation]

2020: An Account

This year has been a nonstop, off-the-rails bullet train ride into what looked at first like chaos, but ultimately was a tearing down and reconstruction of my entire being. Because I know myself and I know I won’t remember much of this later, I’m recording it here. It’s hard to put some of this information out, but the universe regularly urges me to be more open. So here I go.

January

I got married.

It was, without contest, the absolute best day of my life. I’ve known since I was real little that I wanted to be married, that I wanted to be loved the way M loves me and to love someone just as much. I don’t know how to explain the feeling of having achieved that, and being able to share that with my entire circle. @abyssalsun​ made it down!! (my only regret is that @ladyoriza​ couldn’t make it, but I’m still so glad we got to make it to theirs). As often as I can, I revisit the memory of going to @chromecutie​’s house afterward, thinking it’d just be the four of us there, and opening the door to find a whole impromptu surprise party happening. Everyone cheered for us when we came in. I played CAH with Mordred, my brother and his wife, and several friends from out of town. By all accounts, these people would never have been in the same room together, but they were, and it was transcendent. It’s been almost a year, and I still haven’t recovered from all the planning and stress; but now that I’m past it, I can say with relief that it was 100% worth it.

February

We bought a house.

Up until this point, I’d been planning a wedding, participating in house-buying stuff as best I could, interviewing for a job I ended up not taking, and dealing with life-long mental illness that was festering and reaching critical mass. But then stuff started wrapping up. The wedding happened. The house was ours. We moved in. I could finally fucking breathe. LMAO bitch you thought.

March

The pandemic reached us.

I guess by this point it had probably already been in the US for a couple months, idr. But it wasn’t until March that things really started happening. People started dying in droves. New cases spread like wildfire. I remember thinking that this would be the zombie apocalypse, because at this point, I don’t think the CDC knew much about the virus. In my anxious mind, that was a completely reasonable assumption. My boss had us all start working from home. We all thought it’d be just a couple weeks.

April

I settled into working from home.

It didn’t take me long to get used to it, maybe a week. I hadn’t yet gotten used to my new hour-long commute from the new house to work, and so working from home quickly became my new normal. But I didn’t know yet why working from home was so good for me. All I knew was that I now had the brain-space to process things. I had the energy to do yoga and cook and do hobbies, and the time to appreciate and care for the home I lived in. I could think more clearly because there was no one else around to distract me. There was sunlight I could bask in. I felt human for once, and that became vitally important and infinitely valuable to me. Despite that, I still struggled with extreme anxiety, panic attacks, and some of the worst depression I’ve suffered through since I was a teenager. Outside my house, everything was a fucking mess and no one had their shit together.

May

I went back to the office for a few weeks.

There was a lull in pandemic activity. My boss had us all start coming back to the office again. At this point, I couldn’t make heads or tails of reality anymore. Everything was changing, nothing was stable. I desperately needed to stay working from home, because that was the one thing that felt Good and Right, but I had no real argument other than, 'I just need to.' So imagine me, at this point a soggy, run-over sloppy joe, attempting to return to normal. As you might think, it was... bad. I cried and hurt all the time. I think I really freaked out my boss with the way I reacted to coming back to the office. But then the second wave hit, and we all went back to working from home again.

June

Uncle Mike died on the first day of the month.

My uncle had been sick for a while, but no one was expecting him to die so suddenly. None of us were ready for it.

I also died that day.

It might sound dramatic, but I mean it quite literally and honestly. Over the years, I had gained suspicion that I was on the autism spectrum. M graciously found me a psychiatrist that took my insurance (and happened to be right next door). I wasn’t even going in for that - I was seeking treatment for my anxiety and depression. But I had amassed a (very long) list of my symptoms, and I brought it with me and read it to my doctor. I wasn’t even a quarter of the way through the list when he stopped me. I’m paraphrasing here, but in effect, he said, “No, yeah, you’re definitely autistic.”

I remember the way my body felt. Like someone had detonated a bundle of TNT in my chest, and I was burning from the inside out. At the time, I didn’t realize this emotional immolation was purposeful and executed by the universe to get rid of this old structure and build a newer, better, stronger one. For about fifteen seconds after he said that, I was relieved that it had been that easy, that there was an explanation for everything that my ADHD didn’t explain. It made a ton of sense why my environment was so important to me. And then I felt something unnameable. It was obvious to my doctor that I was autistic. Had it been obvious to everyone else? Why hadn’t it been obvious to me? I read the rest of my symptoms to him in a daze. I don’t remember how the rest of the appointment went.

And then I burned quietly and ungracefully until I was a pile of ashes. I didn’t know this at the time, but apparently it’s common for newly-diagnosed autistic people to have such dramatic and painful reactions, especially if they weren’t well-informed on the condition. Which I wasn’t.

I started therapy.

I also started learning about my “flavor” of autism. It was arduous, embarrassing, isolating, and ugly. I became aware that I had been masking my whole life, and I was astounded by just how often I did so. What really crushed me was knowing that I’d always have to mask to protect myself. I also became hyper-aware of the things that made me Feel Bad. Inexplicably, I stopped being able to react to those things the way I used to. Previously, if something made a loud and unexpected sound, I would suppress my reaction, because it’s not cool to get mad about it. But I found I couldn’t do that anymore. I had no choice but to react the way I needed to react. I realize now that this was to make me aware of what things make me feel a certain way so I can either avoid them or learn better tools to deal with them.

The therapist I saw wasn’t specialized in autism, and she wasn’t any help in that area, but she did teach me some important things. Like, “Is it reasonable for me to feel ____?���

July

Black hole.

I don’t remember a whole lot from this month, except sifting my own ashes through my fingers and crying. Every day brought a new revelation, a new thing that clicked. All of it was helpful and very painful. My psychiatrist recommended medication, but I’d had a bad and long-lasting experience with medication as a teenager, so I suffered through the pain on my own.

I shouldn’t have. I got so low I didn’t want to be alive anymore. But I think it took reaching the bottom and feeling that much pain for me to get over my fear of pharmaceuticals. 

I got into astrology.

I had been interested in it for most of my life, but it wasn’t until this point that I started studying it in depth. I discovered it was a language that I could use to translate so many things about my own life that I didn’t understand. It was a rulebook in a time when I desperately needed rules - but one just flexible enough that it taught me how to stop thinking in binary.

August

I got medicated.

There was a big adjustment period, of course. It didn’t cure me. But it did start to make things easier. And it helped to know that, even if I didn’t believe it at the time, I deserved to rest. I deserved not to feel so much emotional pain all the time.

I turned 30.

It was easily the second best day of my life. I learned a lot of important things, like that it’s important to be present, that I’m seen and loved (just the way I am!!), and that I deserve good things. M planned a whole day of surprises:

I woke up at my leisure and we had coffee on the couch. He got me a cute card with one of our inside jokes inside - I still have it.

We went to our favorite combination lunch place and bakery, which I believe was our first real outing since the pandemic started.

We stopped by a tattoo place. I almost got a tattoo.

He set me loose in Texas Art Supply.

We got dim sum for dinner.

We had a lovely virtual cocktail hour with @chromecutie.

He bought me an ipad!!

I became Spiritual™.

I had been agnostic for the past decade or so, slowly and subtly slipping into nihilism, without realizing how detrimental those ideas were to me. I’m not sure what I thought spirituality was before, but I wasn’t into it. I had always rolled my eyes at people who talked about “a higher power”, auras, and spirit guides, until I became that person.

My psychiatrist introduced some powerful ideas to me, ones that meshed well with my previously-existing idea of how the universe worked. I won’t get into details here. That’s a whole other post. Ask me though - I’d love to talk about it.

Anyway, I started (intermittently) meditating. I learned some exceptionally powerful stuff. I felt my scaffolding being erected.

September

I started learning who I am and why I am this way.

I started seeing a new therapist. She thinks like me. She follows my erratic, forking trains of thought. She sees me and offers real, actionable feedback and solutions. Working with her, I’ve gained the ability to see my life from a 30,000-foot view. I can see now why I’ve felt so lonely my whole life. I understand how my family’s dysfunction has shaped me. I know now that I have the opposite of a victim complex - by default, I believe I am so awful that I feel sorry for everyone who has to deal with me. Because that’s what I was taught to believe. Learning that I deserve to take up space, set boundaries, say no, and be wrong sometimes is still a hard lesson for me. But most days, I believe it now. It takes other people believing it and convincing me. I still need that reassurance often.

My parents sold my childhood home.

Mentally, emotionally, I still lived there. I was still the inverted victim, still beholden to my stepdad’s whims and my mom’s complete cognitive dissonance. This was a blinking neon sign from the universe that it was time to move out. My mom told me when the closing date was so I’d have time to drive down and look at the house one last time. I didn’t go, and I still don’t regret it.

I started learning my boundaries.

After my spiritual move-out, I learned I don’t have to jump when my stepdad holds out the little circus hoop. When he otherwise shows zero interest in my life but still baits me with passive-aggressive texts, I don’t have to answer!! What a concept! I don’t have to feel guilty for not talking to my mom more than I do. We have very little in common, and I still have a lot of things to work through regarding her.

I learned how not to be so reactive.

Or rather, I’m still learning. Something else I learned in therapy is that over the course of my life, I’ve developed a desperate need to defend myself and to justify every action or thought I have, even to myself. It’d been especially troubling at work. My RSD led me to felt stupid, incompetent, and unseen daily; if my boss complimented someone, I believed it also meant he thought I was stupid and bad and wrong, otherwise he would have complimented me too. If my boss said something that even remotely sounded like I’d done something wrong, I’d race to build an impenetrable defense: “This is the reason I did that. Here’s my line of thinking. Do you understand? Can you please understand?”

Now I know that so little of what everything everyone says or does at work is about me. I can appreciate a coworker’s accomplishment and also realize it doesn’t take away anything from me. I’m not stupid or incompetent, and I’m a valuable part of the team. A lot of times, my boss and I are on two different wavelengths - that’s because I think a lot faster, which can be frustrating for him sometimes. He doesn’t fully understand me, but that doesn’t mean I’m doing anything wrong.

October

I let go of an old friend.

This was especially hard, because I had known this person for years. We’d gone through a lot together, and we’d shared some really important and emotional story plots and characters. I had agonized over whether I was truly important to her or not. It didn’t matter how much I loved her as a friend, or how badly I wanted us to be close again and remain close. I had learned to read the universe’s signs, and it was clear it was time to move on.

November

The election happened.

I was expecting things to turn out badly, but I still hoped for something good. And then something good did happen. I cried watching Harris’ speech. I felt a tenuous hope that things might finally start looking up, societally. I still haven’t really let myself fully embrace that hope, but every time I see a court shoot down another lawsuit, or hear about trump’s own conservative republican supporters tell him, “Okay, buddy, it’s time to step down,” I feel a little better. 

M and I went non-monogamous.

There’s so much I want to say about this, but it’s for another post. Suffice it to say that like every other experience this year, it has been unexpectedly challenging and ultimately a catalyst for  priceless growth. I’m unfathomably grateful that we’re doing this together, for the things we’ve learned so far, and for how much closer this experience has made us, even when I didn’t think we could get any closer. 

Turns out I’m not gray-ace.

I had identified as such for a couple years, which was why we wanted to try non-monogamy in the first place. On the surface, it perfectly explained my sexual personality. But every time I told someone my identity, I felt inexplicably sad. When I read about others having “normal” sex drives and “normal” relations with their spouses, I felt jealous.

Turns out I’m just traumatized, lol. Walking along this non-mono path has unearthed a lot of things, including this gem.

December

This was our first married christmas in our new house.

One of the handful of good things the pandemic has done for me was allowing me to back up my boundaries with hard evidence. It’s been difficult dealing with my stepdad bullying me about not coming over for thanksgiving, and having my mom subtly guilt me into making plans for next year already. But what I needed this year was a quiet holiday, instead of the usual weeks-long chaos, and I got it. And it was fucking delightful. I’ve dreamed of days exactly like that one - spending a tranquil morning with my spouse, sipping coffee and listening to music and eating treats. Deciding exactly how we want our holidays to be, because we deserve to.

I’m scared of what’s to come in the new year. I’m still an anxious mess, and some days I’m not strong enough to pull myself out of the spirals I throw myself into. I’ve gotten used to the pandemic holding my hand, allowing me to shelter in my home, helping me enforce my boundaries, teaching me who I am. When it’s over, I don’t know what will happen or how I’ll react or what I’ll learn next. I’m not finished rebuilding, but I don’t think that’s the point. I’ll never be fully rebuilt. But at least I’m figuring out the new layout.

[lululawrence]

Hey! Have you read any good abo fics recently?

ahehehehehe okay, so, i put this off until now because i needed to be able to look at a few things. so, by recently i am taking that to mean since i last did an a/b/o fic rec, which apparently was june of last year (and january before that). that’s far too long ago, meaning this rec is going to have about 30 fics on it. hahahaha i’m putting them in no particular order other than the order i bookmarked them in, meaning most recent bookmarks will be last, so if june of last year wasn’t recent enough, you’ll wanna scroll a bit. :D

I have also written two more a/b/o fics since my last rec, so i’ll start with a bit of self promo and then start lauding the work of others (hope you don’t mind)

The World Will Open Its Arms - this one is actually one of my more popular fics from last year, which i wasn’t expecting at all. haha my entire goal for this fic was to take a feeling i got while listening to a song on a random drive to take my daughter to her ice skating camp and capture it in a fic. i think i did, and i love the little bit of insight we get into their lives with this one. pregnant and unbonded omega harry, alpha louis. :)

How I Feel Inside - i wrote this one also for wordplay, and while there’s omega harry and alpha louis in there, the real focus of the fic is the fact that niall is missing. you find out why at the end, so i’ll try not to give it away, but i did it kinda as a gag and a joke and loved it so i hope you enjoy it too hahaha

okay! and now to the rest. Let’s do this.

Take What's Mine by @jaerie / jaerieall i’m really gonna say about this one is i first read it as a dark fic read and then she took it off anon so i figured if she was brave enough to say she wrote it then i was brave enough to say i loved it haha so here we are. it’s a bit of a dark fic but is ultimately healing and beautiful imo.

was it all a fake? by @jaerie / jaerieso this is a fic i didn’t realize she was gonna publicly gift to me and i asked for it, so fair enough, but i love it. i love it and it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, so please, like with the fic before, check the tags (i feel like this rec isn’t starting well with me warning about things before people read them, but i really do love these hahaha)

These Lover's Eyes by chasingxrabbitswhat i love most about this fic is it’s a pack fic. i feel like packs are something that used to be explored more in older a/b/o fics in the fandom but that it is often ignored unless it’s in the almost tribal sense of packs, and this is very different. like the summary literally reads “A/B/O verse where Liam is an alpha, Josh, Niall, Louis, and Harry are his betas and an unlikely little omega stumbles into the picture.” and i can’t really say much more than that, but i love it so much. haha so if you’re looking for a totally different dynamic to this verse, this older fic will defo give you that. (if someone also wants to kind of explore this idea and dynamic in their own ways as well, please tag me when you post lol)

hard to confess by @hereforlou / hereforlouACCIDENTAL MPREG! gosh i love fics like this so much and they did this one really well. accidental mpreg with assumptions made that might not be entirely correct and friends to lovers and just SO MUCH GOODNESS OKAY

Desire A/B/o series by @reminiscingintherain / reminiscingintherainthis series is an established relationship, somewhat canon compliant a/b/o series that was such fun to read. super fluffy, super sweet, super cute. basically, if the dark fics i kinda started this rec with aren’t your thing, this probably is. lol

I'm Sure It Happens To All Alphas by @jaerie / jaerieALPHA. LOUIS. HAS TROUBLE. POPPING A KNOT. gosh i died reading this fic. i love it so much. she works her magic, as usual, and does it in style.

The Wilds by @jaerie / jaerieThis fic was just. it was wow. it was such an interesting world for things to take place in and fascinating how it all played out. there are quite a few sensitive subjects that this does broach, so while i wouldn’t necessarily say it is a dark fic, you do need to be sensitive to the tags, so please be careful with those!

You Gotta Swim, Swim For Your Life series by @jaerie / jaeriei swear i do read a/b/o that isn’t done by jenna. lollll but this series is so good. it’s a really incredible fic that takes you through harry’s journey with grief and illness and all sorts of things, so if that’s triggering for you, then please don’t read this, but it’s so so so beautifully done. the emotions in this series are gorgeous.

Where You Lay by @ham-palpert / HamPalpertTHIS FIIIIIIC! gosh it’s a perceived enemies to friends with benefits to lovers fic but there’s such a journey along the way. it’s so so so amazing. it ended and i just felt so complete. hahaha it’s one of those fics. so yeah, love love love.

The Nearness of You by @louisalbumnow / theweightofmywordsTHIS FIC. the nesting in this fic! the description and emotions and just ALL OF IT. it’s just gold. in a 2k wrapper. it’s amazing. i don’t even have words just read it.

One Love by @13ways-of-looking / 13waysthis fic is SO EMOTIONAL. it hit me hard and was another one of those that packs a lot into few words. it was so interesting and a really fascinating world and just. yeah. it’s a great read!

I'll Take Care Of You by @dimpled-halo / dimpled_halojacky wrote me a part 2 of my fic for my birthday! she wrote the part 1 for my birthday too, so i guess she loves me a lot if she was willing to revisit it and write me some more. i love this ‘verse so much, though. the throw back to high school/college like it’s done here is so pure and complex and i love it.

I Know How To Whisk (But Teach Me Anyway) by @2tiedships2 / 2tiedships2mel comes and delivers another great a/b/o fic! i love how she always ties in the idea of soulmates with her fics. and this one is so fun and i love that it entirely revolves around an obsession with a bakery hahaha a great read, as always!

Alpha Seeking Alpha by @jaerie / jaerieOKAY OKAY OKAY. i love this one too. gosh i say that about everyone of these, don’t i? i suppose it’s a fic rec so i would hope i love them all but i’m not thinking well tonight so all you’re getting is read this cause i love it but like ALPHA/ALPHA THROUGH A SERVICE AND JUST AAAHHHHHHH

I Wanna Be More Than Friends by @2tiedships2 / 2tiedships2this is my fav mel fic yet. i kept throwing ideas at her hoping something would stick and then she came up with something completely unique that i’d never heard of before and I LOVE IT SO MUCH. alpha harry does not have a sense of smell. OMGGGGGGGG anyway. toooootally amazing twist on the a/b/o verse.

If I Loved You Less by @allwaswell16 / allwaswell16REGENCY A/B/O!!!! did you hear me? I SAID REGENCY A/B/O!!! With side shiall! i adored this fic because even through the end i was like HOW ARE THEY GONNA MAKE THIS WORK but it does and it’s magical and so great. gosh. so so great.

The Unsuccessful Promise by trysomecatsthis fic actually just got a part 2 added recently and i only just read that part 2 last night! lol good timing, i suppose! anyway, this one is sooooo fun because it’s got feisty didn’t think he’d be an omega louis with super sweet and obviously misunderstood harry with louis’ parents being ZIAM!!! it was a fun story that i really enjoyed reading lol my fav part might have actually been zayn and liam, i loved how they were written

Moments Like These Are To Die For by @fourdrunksluts / alienharrythis is one of those fics that sucked me in and spat me out afterwards and i keep thinking about it! months later i still think about this fic. it stayed with me and i love it. it’s an arranged marriage royalty au where harry and louis are from different packs and AHHHHHHHHH i love it so so so much. PLUS!!! THERE’S AN ACE CHARACTER!!! AN ACE CHARACTER IN AN A/B/O!?!?! I LOVE IT SO MUCH! so yeah this fic means a lot to me and i love it so much so please read it.

Your Touch Is The Only Thing I Feel by @2tiedships2 / 2tiedships2mel delves into touch depri here and i love that being explored! i felt like she did it in a different way than i’d seen it in other fics too, so i really like that as well. as usual, the relationship dynamics in her fics are spot on and hysterical while also making you just love every second. 

The light is coming by @pocketsunshineharry / ishiplouislisten. i have a soft spot for hurt/comfort, especially in a/b/o, and this fic just harnesses ALL OF THAT and makes it just. i can’t. i can’t say much more but i just loved this dynamic and how much louis just needed help and the war within himself and frustration with that but harry was patient and did what he could to help and it was just so great.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year series by @2tiedships2 / 2tiedships2louis and harry didn’t exactly have the best first meeting hahaha it’s okay, though, because niall is there to force them to be friends. this is a super fun christmassy/birthday style two part series that not only explores the up to the point of finding louis’ alpha, but also what comes after that. it’s a lot of fun and i loved it hehe

Do Not Falter (There's a Star Ahead) by @londonfoginacup / LadyLondonderryNESTING HARRY. NESTING OMEGA HARRY. NESTING OMEGA HARRY NEEDING A SAFE PLACE. MUTUAL PINING. CHRISTMAS EVE. AHHHHHH this fic is short and sweet and i want to sit and sink into harry’s nest. it evokes the same warmth and almost magical feel all of emmu’s fics do. i love it.

You Should Be Here With Me by @dimpled-halo / dimpled_haloexes to lovers at christmas with pining and miscommunication and bonding and ahhhhhhhhh. i don’t even know what more to say, other than jacky is queen of exes to lovers, so make it a/b/o and christmas themed and you know you’ve got gold on your hands.

Merry Birthday by @jaerie / jaerieSOULMARK A/B/O. where they don’t even realize they’ve met until afterwards so then they’ve gotta find each other again and it’s just. gosh it’s so great and it’s so much more than just a christmas fic, even though it’s that too, it extends beyond and i love it.

Let Me Feel Your Heartbeat by @angelichl / angelichli love that “louis tomlinson wears harry styles’ clothes” is a legit tag in ao3. anyway. this is another one of those tentative enemies to friends to lovers with heaps of miscommunication and pining and confusion and everything are thrown together when mating cycles come into play and i love it. gosh i love it so so much. it was a great way to kick off the new year with a/b/o haha

Leave Your Mark On Me by @fullonlarrie / FullOnLarriespeaking of kicking off the new year with some amazing a/b/o, lauren tried her hand at it and I LOVED IT. it had so many twists i did not anticipate and i loved it so much. it was as wonderfully written as hers always are and with her signature humor and feelings and development and i adored it.

so that’s what i’ve got for you! i hope you find some on here that you haven’t read yet and that you like them as much as i did! hit me up again in another six months and i’ll see what i can do with another a/b/o rec update hehehe

[thegeminisage]

alright im about to watch 5.03 of merlin for the 2nd time ever

because if i dont do it now i may NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE

but first i wanna get out of the way that i thought merlin convincing arthur to keep the ban on magic in 5.05 because he was trying to thwart ~*~destiny~*~ or whatever is the laziest writing ever, it’s unsatisfying for the audience, it renders the rest of the last season utterly pointless, it’s unfair to merlin and arthur, and the tonal shift of the show from farting trolls in season 2 to full greek tragedy in season 5 was completely unwarranted and i feel TRICKED as a human person because i expected the end to be bittersweet and make me sad, not table-flipping angry, and i do not at all have high hopes for the finale

but i can ignore something having a “bad last five minutes” i did it for life is strange and final fantasy 13-2 i will do it for merlin but honestly 

speaking on 5.03, after it was over the first time i was like “i can never write my fanfic now because nothing i ever do will be as good as that” but i’m really relieved in that way that that was apparently the last good episode of merlin because now i can continue my work in peace and maybe hopefully even actually finish it

okay commence the liveblog:

love that arthur and merlin are down to just jump off their horses whenever random women start screaming in the distance. season 5 could have been so good, they’re so much more grown up and in sync with one another, i absolutely LOVE their #vibe

it was interesting to me also that arthur DEMANDED a fair trial for this woman despite her being accused of sorcery. god, he was SO CLOSE?? that hatred of magic just can’t really take root in him especially with uther gone...arthur may be an asshole in the early seasons, and he may be quick to anger and quick to lash out in that anger, but it’s just not in him to be cruel, especially needlessly

EVEN THIS LADY IS LIKE “u showed kindness and compassion” arthur is a Good Boy deep down he is he IS he didn’t care a bit about that horn she gave him but still politely said it was beautiful

although lmao the way his face changed when she said it was magic...that’s the STUFF

lowkey losing it at athony head in the credits. i was looking to see if he’d be in the s5 ones since he’s dead and didn’t see him in 5.01 or 5.02 so when i DID see him in 5.03 i was like haha no way did they pay to put him in here i guess i just missed him the first couple of times BUT I WAS WRONG

like, in buffy, they spend an entire episode trying to decide whether or not to necromance their mom or whatever and she doesnt actually APPEAR IN THE EP they never SEE her i thought this would be an episode ABOUT uther i didn’t think uther would be IN it

love that from the get-go arthur’s face screams “i am thinking about making a terrible mistake” and merlin’s face is like “he is thinking about making a terrible mistake”

i’m quite proud of merlin in s5 actually. bad writing aside he uses multiple braincells many times per episode. it’s a vast improvement. same energy as clary from shadowhunters right down to getting shafted in his final season

ive said it before and ill say it again gwen looks SOOO GOOOOD as queen

if this is the anniversary of uther’s death then (if you go by 1 season = 1 year) arthur just turned 30...it’s been nine years and change since merlin met him, and by the end of season 5 it will have been an entire decade

in an otherwise increddibly heavy episode arthur panicking and throwing all the apples out of the bowl so he could cover the horn with it is absolutely priceless. season 5 if nothing else has really hammered home for me what a TERRIBLE liar arthur is - merlin got good at it fast out of necessity but arthur can’t hold a poker face to save his LIFE. “leave it.” “why??” “because i’m telling you to and i’m the king of camelot” buddy......

we were ROBBED. if there had ever been a day where arthur came to accept merlin’s magic but still had to help merlin hide it there could have been an entire episode of arthur nearly blowing merlin’s cover because he’s a nervous nelly and at the end he goes “i cant believe you have had to do this 24/7 for YEARS without a single friend to help you” and merlin goes “well now i have you” anyway.

i love also that repeatedly when arthur goes to do something scary by himself he also brings merlin. they LITERALLY are two halves of a whole

“you’re threatening me with a spoon??” i can’t tell you about the unfortunate fanfics i have seen involving The Spoon. i shall also not mention the ones involving The Glove. we will not speak of it

I CANNOT BELIEVE STONEHENGE IS IIN MERLIN. i got so agitated i did not pay one bit of attention to the conversation following its reveal and me and cathy and had to rewind so i could listen properly

my hate-on for stonehenge goes thusly: stonehenge apocalypse, starring misha collins, is @callowyn‘s favorite movie. i have seen it 45 times. i hate it nearly as much as she loves it. it’s an age-old battle

merlin is so intense when he looks for signs in arthur that he DOESN’T totally hate magic...arthur using magic to see his dad again is one of those signs. he’s willing to turn to it in desperation - maybe he’d be willing in less desperate times too

“my father was taken from me before his time” i mean...he was practically in a coma. so like. he wasn’t

love that when arthur mentions merlins dad ONCE he immediately looks like he’s about to cry. mood. i also want to cry every time i think about merlins dad

up until the moment i laid eyes on uther i was SURE they werent actually gonna do it. i came into this thinking it was a FLASHBACK EP

for the record (and believe me i NEVER thought i’d say this) even though i waited and waited for his demise and cheered when he was gona for good...i really missed uther in season 4. at least with uther you know what you’re getting. agravaine (his replacement as “evil guy who keeps us from being able to solve our problems too easily”) was a slimy cowardly CREEP. and in season 5 i WISH things were as simple as “work around uther’s pigheaded unreasonableness”

for a hot second i really thought uther and arthur would have a nice conversation where they reconciled or said something heartwarming. i was worried about an uther redemption arc - this guy is responsible for the genocide of magic users, he doesn’t deserve redemption - but this show said NOT TODAY and they said it QUICK

WE

ARE

SO

BLESSED

i have A LOT of issues with season 5 but JESUS FUCKING CHRIST THIS WAS DADDY ISSUES 2.0 BROUGHT BACK FROM THE DEAD

repressed trauma returns: harder better faster stronger!! that’s the STUFF

was i not just speaking the other day on my fanfic ask meme about how i love emotionally intense stuff? this is IT babey

uther’s such a bad father! he’s with his only child again for the last time in ever and all he does is tear him a new one! this is why arthur’s such a fucked-up human being (morgana too) 

i’m THRILLED we got to revisit this. his eyes get bigger and bigger and he starts fucking stammering and by the time uther’s done calling him weak and a failure he looks ready to CRY. i was HOLLERING. i still couldnt believe uther was even HERE and not only is he HERE he’s a WRECKING BALL

“this CAN’T be the last time i’ll ever see you” oh buddy you’re gonna wish it was

and he looks back, as he leaves. of COURSE he does. just like lot’s wife. so it goes.

you know how at the end of every supernatural episode sam and dean debrief and talk about their feelings in the car? for merlin and arthur it’s almost always done around a campfire at night - sometimes in arthur’s chambers or other places, but usually out here in the wilderness where it’s just the two of them. i’m...really going to miss it, when it’s gone.

“my father doesn’t approve of the way i’ve chosen to rule his kingdom” “you mean YOUR kingdom”

you know i don’t think i really got...like, fundamentally, on a deep level...that merlin fucking HATES uther

i’ve seen him save uther’s miserable life so many fucking times that i thought for merlin it was kind of the way it was with gwen - he feels nothing for him, but he looks after him for arthur’s sake (or as i came to understand later because he’s professor x about the whole thing)

but the way his expression got SO UGLY when arthur revealed that uther just shit-talked him the entire time...holy fuck

between that & some other stuff that happens later it really paints a clearer picture of like...uther’s dead so merlin doesn't have to hold back anymore and he FUCKING HATES HIM?? like obviously he SHOULD bu i just never SAW it before this. merlin LOATHES him. it’s INCREDIBLE to witness when he bore it so silently for so long. maybe even merlin didn’t realize just how much he hated him until now

and not to get too real here but if youve ever been friends with someone who had an abusive/toxic parent or was in an abusive/toxic relationship and you watch them feeling like shit after and they start making excuses for that asshole like “oh yeah he’s right about x” and you just want to find this horrible person and THROTTLE THEM that emotion is like ALL OVER merlin’s face rn. i didn’t actually seriously "”ship”” merlin and arthur until late season 4/early season 5 (i didnt like dislike it i just wasnt actively bothered by a lack of it) and what changed was this vibe. merlin wants to kill uther all over again just because he made arthur feel this way. he’s so fuckijng PROTECTIVE

and he still almost manages to drag a smile out of him via roasting, god bless these 2

ok so i didnt believe this show would actually DO THAT re: putting uther himself in this ep but i was doubly shocked by the fact that he HITCHED A RIDE AND GOT OUT

me shrieking during this entire poltergeist sequence: OH MY GOD OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HIM?? HOLY FUCK HE IS LITERALLY HAUNTING ARTHUR I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY’RE DOING THIS I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY’RE GIVING US THIS etc etc etc

actually most of that was probably muffled nonsense because i was yelling with both hands over my mouth

percival’s the realest motherfucker on this whole show. dude survives a murder attempt in which he got an AXE lobbed at him by the fucking GHOST of a power-mad genocidal king and he’s like: yeah idk i guess it fell

there was thunder in the bg for this WHOLE ep and i’m Big into it

absolutely CACKLING at the bit where merlin has to ask arthur if he looked back at uther’s spirit. it’s one of those nice big heavy questions - so heavy, in fact, that arthur can’t answer, can’t even LOOK at merlin, either because he’s ashamed or because he’s bugging out or both. you thought this shit was over? it’s never over! daddy issues are a lifelong ride, pal! arthur’s just get to haunt him literally this time. god it’s so fucking good

can i just say? merlin reads that damning silence reeeal well. and it’s a big, heavy thing to know about arthur - but then again he knows all the big heavy things about arthur

the score for this episode is really good too...very suspenseful and good, adds a lot to the atmosphere, keeps it from getting too slow

there’s a hint of merlin’s absolute HATRED of uther in this conversation again - the way his face tightens when he says “uther would do anything to protect his legacy and that makes him dangerous, who knows what he’s capable of now”

and arthur dismisses him because he can’t hear this but merlin almost refuses to leave - and when he DOES leave, he doesn’t take his eyes off arthur for one fucking second. he stares him down all the way out of the room. i don’t think it’s because he’s angry with arthur, per se - he’s angry with uther, and he knows uther in a way arthur never can or will, as someone ruthless who will kill without warning or remorse. he’s afraid of uther and he’s trying to get arthur to be afraid of uther too before it’s too late and LSDKFJGHSLDFJH

if you’re thinking “thats a lot to interpret from one look” yes it is but i’m right. IT’S A BIG, HEAVY LOOK. NICE AND LOADED. love unpacking all of that

i cant believe this dude tried to KILL GWEN like he really is coming after everything that makes arthur happy. im so glad it was merlin that saved her. i really do think merlin is her best friend

multiple times in this serious arthur fidgets when he’s nervous or thinking, usually with his hands near his mouth. i am endeared to him. my poor boy

“i always knew my father could be cruel but why would he do this to gwen when he knows i love her” BECAUSE HE’S CRUEL

merlin knows. merlin knows his cruelty much better than arthur. boy does he know. i’m dying. it’s fine

love that at this part of the ep we slide seamlessly into the “merlin and arthur are both scared shitless” section which was truly one of my favorite things about the s4 opener. they’re both so fucking jumpy and giving each other shit about being frightened and continuing to be frightened anyway. the DELICIOUS IRONY of arthur finally being scared of uther in the way merlin has been scared of uther for Y E A R S oh my god it’s so GOOD

do also love the entire silent conversation they have when deciding what to do about the door. this is what i mean by their upgraded vibe.l in the early seasons merlin wouldn’t have understood and his lack of understanding would have been played for laughs. now they’re totally in sync

here’s the thing, gaius could have made this magic “able to see uther’s ghost” potion for just arthur and he didn’t. he made it for both of them. everything arthur does merlin does. they’re partners in all things. they’re COMPANIONS. and this is why i finally now Ship It. tragic.

you know this is a kind of weird comparison but late seasons arthur reminds me JUST a bit of gwaine. he complains so much less that he sort of has that same “roll with whatever” vibe to him. pretend to faint so you can steal some guy’s dagger? why not. take this foul potion that may kill us? sure, let’s do it. come what may he’s not really fussed. much more unflappable

until he starts getting spooked again LMFAO 

we do love a good pair of spooked dumbasses. this is charming and entertaining.

leon HAD to know they were lying about poetry. he probably thought they were having.......a tryst,

love also that even in this very dire moment merlin does NOT miss the chance to have some fun at arthur’s expense. that’s true friendship

i got jumpscared three separate times during this ep and one of them was when uther was glaring down merlin and arthur in the hallway after leon left

arthur didn’t jump but he did go hunting after him and to his credit he does not look scared. he looks like a man who is trying to deal with his business and get his shit together

merlin made that FACE again when arthur expressed sadness at hunting his own father because all he ever wanted to DO was make him proud

honestly it’s like since he can’t shit-talk uther he just sings arthur’s praises instead like this here is a guy who is just barely holding his tongue about how fuckin pissed he is. i cant believe it

splitting up was the WORST idea. have they not seen scooby doo??

love that when merlin gets cornered by uther’s ghost and gets scared he yells for arthur and when arthur gets scared because his torch blows out he yells for merlin. you fools, why did you SPLIT UP

uther locks arthur in the room with him, which is already some top tier content, but doubly good? it’s the same room in which arthur nearly ran him through in 2.08. don’t think i didn’t notice. i did notice. i was shrieking into my hands.

seriously this is a pretty calm liveblog but the first time i watched this ep my face was like this the whole time: O O

just kept going “HOLY FUCK HOLY FUCK OH MY GOD” over and over. it was greeat

“arthur your fatal flaw is that you put too much trust in other people” do you think arthur, who now has a complex about people betraying him, ever forgot that for one second in his entire life afterward? me neither

speaking of 2.08 arthur dropped some FACTS “your hatred comes from fear” i'm sure they didn’t do it on purpose but #throwbacks

i’m fully experiencing human emotion. “i’m not you, i can’t rule like you did” he’s trying SO HARD to fight his way out of that bullshit

also lmao arthur like “then you’ll have to kill me” and uther like “yeah okay” arthur didn’t KNOW how this man was this could have been SUCH a good awakening

AND NOW IT’S TIME

FOR MY FAVORITE PART OF THIS EPISODE

when i say merlin hates uther. WHEN I SAY MERLIN H A T E S UTHER

HIS LINE HERE. ok. “get away from him, uther. you’ve caused enough harm” he’s furious! he’s GROWLING! 

“you are just a serving boy” “i am much more than that” listen. human words cannot express the emotion that ran through me. when they said “we’re gonna bring back anthony head as uther” i doubted. when they said “he’s gonna be the bad guy and reopen all of arthur’s old wounds” i doubted. when they said “he’s still here LITERALLY haunting arthur who now has to HUNT HIM” I DOUBTED. i didn’t believe they’d do any of it until it was happening on my screen. but ONE LOOK at merlins face made a MOTHERFUCKING BELIEVER out of me. i knew exactly what he was about to do. pretty sure i gasped “NO” in astonishment

AND HE DID THAT

HE👏

DID👏

THAT👏

NOT ONLY. DID I SHRIEK ALOUD. FULL SCREAM. WHEN IT HAPPENED THE FIRST TIME. BUT JUST NOW. WHEN I WATCHED HIM DO IT AGAIN. MORE SCREAMING.

how LONG do you think merlin had ACHED to do that

to show himself to uther for what he was, what he REALLY WAS, someone to be reckoned with instead of someone to be overlookedd, without fear of consequences

i can’t even like

like just imagine the triple rush of 1. satisfaction 2. rage 3. lingering habitual terror

i think at this moment merlin was closer to and more like morgana than he had ever been and maybe ever will be again. because the two of them have so much in common but one thing i didn’t really clock until now is how much they both hate uther

it’s so good. uther is SHOCKED and DISMAYED and this is like merlin’s old fear come back from death too (getting found out by uther) while at the same time being a dream come true (getting to tell uther what he really thinks, who he really is - “i was BORN with it!”) he’s so ANGRY! he is LIVID!)

he’s also really SATISFIED like “even while you were king there was magic at the heart of camelot” GOD how long has he been WAITING for this and not even realized it

and like then uther starts spewing his hateful bullshit and stalking forward with the intent to kill and my guy merlin who should be terrified STANDS HIS MOTHERFUCKING GROUND and says right over him “you’re wrong, you’re wrong” for thirty beautiful seconds merlin really got to be free. i know i will keep comparing things to 2.08 until i die but it’s just like when arthur was almost ready to kill uther in cold blood because for one perfect, brilliant moment he really and truly saw clearly the world as it was. i really love these moments...the strength of their respective convictions is so gratifying

merlin yeeting uther through a door is also gratifying although i have no idea what he hoped to accomplish by following without waking arthur first

i. LOVE. that the camera lingered a little on the spears or whatever after merlin walked by them. nice little foreshadowing moment

THOSE SPEARS GOT AWFULLY CLOSE BUT IM PRETTY SURE UTHER MISSED ON PURPOSE BECAUSE HE WANTED TO TAKE HIS TIME. HIS MISTAKE

okay merlin spent the better part of a lifetime dreading uther’s death sentence and here’s uther stalking down a hallway sword pointed at his chest and certain death is IMMINENT and what does merlin’s face look like?

arthur comes in with the rescue and INSTANTLY his expression changes to?

IT’S BETTER IN MOTION BUT HE LOOKS READY TO CRY

my immediate thought: oh jesus what if uther outs him

i knew he wouldnt bc of spoilers but i would bet a benjamin that that was merlin’s first thought too

tbh. i wish he had.

i kind of wonder if merlin doesn’t wish the same thing. like yes being outed like that is terribly violating and he’s terrified of telling arthur obviously or he would have already but at the same time there would be so much relief once it was finally out. no more secret-keeping. no more burden

i mean, if you go back and watch it, dude’s straight up shaking. he’s trembling all over. he’s losing it. that last teary glance they exchanged.......

uther was two SYLLABLES away from blowing the whole thing

and in a better happier canon where arthur knows and was waiting for merlin to tell him this is like double angst because uther wouldve ben blowing something for them both

i like arthurs followup of realizing that he’ll never be able to please uther (step 1 of breaking away from the cycle of abuse) but for the LIFE OF ME

i will NEVER be able to understand why they segued into this GLOVE THING

i’m not talking about the glove thing

i will say however that by the end of this episode i was so hysterical i had to get up and get water and pace around my kitchen for ten minutes fanning my own face

and that’s it. that’s the second-best episode of merlin and the last good episode there ever was

[makeste]

“Cool motive; still adultery” (or, ITP: makeste rants about Gokudera’s stupid dad)

@natashawogver Haha, so this reply ended up being so damn long that I ended up doing it as its own post so that I could add a cut.

First, I can’t speak for everyone, but I’ve always assumed “Gokudera” was his mother’s surname rather than his dad’s, and the parts of fandom I’ve interacted with seem to concur, I think? But since Gokudera’s father never got a canon name, I use “Gokupapa” at times just to make it clear who I’m referring to without having to type out “Gokudera’s father” every time.

Anyway! I said in my answer to your previous ask that I could go on for days about this topic, and I probably will, so! Just... be warned, lol.

The thing is, it’s absolutely possible to take Bianchi’s statement at 100% face value. It was a misunderstanding. His parents really did love each other. His mom was sick and didn’t want to get attached to him (and vice-versa), so she limited her contact with him. His father was heartbroken and wanted to marry his mother, but she refused, thinking it would be better for everyone that way. Somehow this all got twisted around, and rumors about Gokupapa’s infidelity spread, but the rumors all missed out on the crucial points that (1) he actually was in love with her, and (2) that she did from her illness rather than under any suspicious circumstances. Fine. It’s possible; it checks out; there are letters proving this; TYL!Bianchi says this is the case. So fine, let’s assume this is what actually happened.

The thing is that if this really was how the events actually played out, in my opinion it not only does not redeem Gokudera’s father, it actually kind of makes him a bigger asshole than ever. And on top of that, it makes his mom kind of an asshole too. The manga tries to play off this revelation like it’s supposed to redeem Hayato’s parents, but in actuality, if this is all true, both of them were pretty irredeemably selfish, and their actions came very close to ruining Hayato’s whole life. So okay, let’s get into all of the reasons why they, in fact, suck.

First and foremost: Gokudera’s father cheated on his wife. This is indisputable no matter which version of events we go with. He was married with a young daughter, he had a mistress, and he got his mistress pregnant. “Yes, but he was in love!” Okay! Cool motive; still adultery! “But he was going to marry her!” Sure, but then he didn’t. Nor did he divorce his previous wife. In the end he wound up pretending Hayato was her son instead. I can’t imagine she was very happy about that. Shades of Catelyn Stark and Jon Snow, most likely, except that Ned was actually a decent guy, whereas we have no evidence at all that Gokupapa was anything other than a big sack of shit.

Gokudera’s mom! Lavina! Let’s talk about her. First of all, it’s clear that whatever else, she genuinely did love her son dearly. She died before he was even three years old, and by all accounts only ever visited him a handful of times, and yet he still has deeply affecting memories of her more than a decade later. For her to have had that much of an impact on him in just that short amount of time, she must have been absolutely radiating love for him on each and every one of those visits. She’s a saint in his eyes. He loves her and misses her even though he barely knew her. I absolutely won’t argue that she didn’t love him, because all evidence says otherwise.

But -- she abandoned him. Because she thought it would be best for him, supposedly, but still. She left him with his father and basically surrendered all responsibility for him, and gave up the few short years that they could have spent together. She denied him the chance to get to know her, and minimized what seems to have been one of the few bright spots of his childhood. And by turning down Gokudera’s father (even though we’re led to believe they were in love), she ensured that her son would never have any hope of being seen as legitimate, something that ends up making his life fairly miserable later down the line.

So to sum, Gokudera’s mom = loving, but absent. As for Gokudera’s father, his infidelity is only one small aspect of his being a piece of shit! 

Let’s talk for a second about Gokudera’s childhood. By all accounts, he grew up desperately lonely. It’s clear that he and Bianchi were very isolated growing up. They don’t appear to have any friends, and they were tutored at home. It’s also fairly clear that Hayato was not receiving anything in the way of paternal affection, judging by how totally enamored he was of Shamal, idolizing him and seeking his approval and going so far as to imitate his hairstyle. Look, Shamal isn’t exactly a tender or affectionate guy. He’s mostly just an asshole! On the few occasions that he does show any type of caring toward Hayato, it’s always in the most gruff and indirect ways possible. So for this guy, as aloof as he is, to be receiving that level of reverence and admiration from this six or seven-year-old boy speaks volumes about just how starved Hayato was for any type of kindness or attention. It means that he had no one else. Maybe he wasn’t suffering from any physical abuse yet at this point, but there was absolutely neglect. And you can tell this left scars on him that he’s still struggling to deal with even as a teenager.

So now, let’s talk about the actual abuse. Poison cookies! All right, so before I start in with this, I just want to make it clear that I don’t blame Bianchi for any of it. As I’ve said before, I truly believe that she didn’t (and still doesn’t) understand the damage she actually did. She loves her little brother and her cooking was made with love; how could it possibly hurt him? There’s a lot of inherent tragedy there, because this ends up forcing the two of them apart, and up until that point, Bianchi had really been the only loving presence in Hayato’s life from what I can see. And she still doesn’t understand what caused the rift between them.

Because this was all first revealed back during the Daily Life arc, it was all played up for comedic effect, and so it wasn’t ever examined too closely. We’re not really meant to think on it too much. But later on when the manga does become serious, and more events from Hayato’s past are revealed that absolutely are serious and tragic and treated with gravity and solemnity, it gets harder to ignore the tonal whiplash. You kind of do have to go back and look at the whole poison cooking thing again, this time from a more serious standpoint. And when you do, it’s pretty damn fucked up.

Basically, Hayato was poisoned on a regular basis for two whole years. It was painful and traumatizing to the point where just the memory of it physically affects him years later. And the one responsible for making all this happen in the first place? Dear old dad. After the bizarre “success” of that first disastrous concert, Hayato is forced to eat his sister’s cookies before every single performance. His dad fucking forced him to eat poison for fucking entertainment! Like, it’s such an insanely over-the-top tragedy that that itself is the joke. It’s so absurd and so out of the blue that it’s hilarious. Or at least it is in the original context when we first get this reveal all the way back in chapter 10.

But as the manga’s tone gradually sobers up and matures, Gokudera’s role in the series shifts from “hotheaded whipping boy whose hypertragic past can be exploited for comedic purposes” to “deeply-insecure-yet-determined character whose genuinely awful past can be milked for lots of angst.” Conveniently enough, the series never revisits the whole poison cooking story once this shift takes place, but what we do get is a brand new backstory in which Gokudera despises his father because he believes that he had his mother killed. 

Let’s repeat that: Gokudera believes that his father murdered his mother. Whether or not this is actually true or not almost doesn’t matter, because the fact remains that Hayato believed this story without question from the moment he first heard it. It means there was absolutely no doubt in his eight-year-old mind that his father was capable of that. And small wonder that he wouldn’t doubt it, because this is a man who first neglected him and then later went on to abuse him. Because that’s what the poison cooking thing is, in this revised context: abuse. Full stop. There is absolutely no other way to look at it. 

So yeah! It’s pretty safe to say that a man who was capable of that would also have been capable of callously killing a woman just to cover up his own indiscretions. He doesn’t exactly have a lot going on that would make one want to give him the benefit of the doubt.

But again, canon later swings around and says this was all just a misunderstanding. He didn’t kill Lavina, and Gokudera was in fact “born into this world loved by both of his parents.” To add onto that, TYL!Bianchi tells Gokudera all this while also observing that she “doesn’t expect him to understand right now.” The implication is almost that Gokudera is somehow the one who’s been in the wrong this whole time, and he’s been unfairly assuming the worst about his dad, and judging him without fully understanding the situation.

This. Is. Bullshit. And it’s where I take the most umbrage with regards to this entire thing. Because here’s the final bit of evidence that Gokudera’s dad is The Absolute Worst, and it’s probably the most damning of all: he lets Hayato run away. He lets him leave, and there is no evidence at all that he ever made any kind of attempt to go after him and bring him home. This is an eight-year-old child, who up until this point has grown up in a fucking castle, and who has absolutely no knowledge of the real world whatsoever. He went from fairy tale levels of wealth to literally living on the street. Anything could have happened to him. Probably a hell of a lot did happen to him that will never be fully examined, because this was a manga aimed at kids and young teenagers, and also it ended back in 2012 lol. But it’s not hard to imagine. Even assuming the most G-rated version of events possible -- say, in a world where drugs and human trafficking and violent street crime somehow aren’t a thing -- he’s still homeless, and all alone. We know from canon and from the light novels that he basically just drifted from place to place. 

In the opening section of his light novel story Bakudan Bambino, he wakes up after getting himself knocked out in a brawl to find that a good samaritan has taken him in and bandaged up his wounds. He is incredibly confused by all of this, but it’s not the fact that he was knocked out and woke up in a strange place that confuses him. It’s the fact that he didn’t wake up bleeding in an alley somewhere, but that instead some guy he didn’t even know helped him out for absolutely no reason without expecting anything in return. Hayato is at such a low point in his life at this stage that he literally can’t conceive of someone actually doing that, because he’s spent the past four years having it repeatedly hammered into his head that people aren’t like that, and the world isn’t like that. He has issues. He is miserable. Later in the novel, when he asks that same good samaritan guy why the hell he keeps helping him out, the man answers that it’s because Hayato’s eyes always seem to be saying ‘help me.’ Basically, in those four years he’s been through absolute hell, and the entire fucking time he’s been suffering through it completely and utterly on his own.

But here’s the thing -- he was eight years old when he left. He had no plan whatsoever, no fucking idea what the hell he was doing. You can’t tell me he could have possibly made it very far, at least at first. Where the hell could a stupid little eight-year-old kid with no money or transportation or anything possibly could have gone that his father, a man with a ton of resources and wealth, wouldn’t have been able to track him down? He wasn’t laying low; we know for a fact that he attempted to join a number of other mafia families, only to be turned down by all of them because they didn’t want a spoiled rich brat, or “a half-breed.”

This all goes to show that they knew who he was, though. It’s not a secret. All his father would have had to do was put the word out that Hayato had gone off on his own and that he would be very grateful (in the $$$ sense) to anyone who could aid him in tracking him down and returning him. This is assuming that he couldn’t have just had his own men do it. Basically, there’s no way that Hayato successfully manages to run away and not be found unless his father actually didn’t want to find him.

And when you think about it like that, then it does start to make more sense. From the start, Gokudera’s father never shows any kind of attachment to him, and is content first to ignore his existence, and then to later on actually have him poisoned for laughs. Best case scenario, he doesn’t care about him one way or the other. Worst case, Hayato is actually a thorn in his side and he’s happy to be rid of him. Because he is still illegitimate, after all, and who knows what kind of political troubles that could end up causing as he starts to get older. And there’s a good chance that Hayato’s stepmother, Bianchi’s mother (who is never once mentioned throughout the entire series but who does, one has to assume, exist) isn’t particularly fond of Hayato and never has been. So really, who even cares if he runs away, then? In the long run it’s probably for the best. So rather than showing even the slightest bit of concern over his son’s safety and well-being, he just lets him run away and apparently disregards the matter entirely. Just abandons him to whatever might happen out there, and good riddance.

And this -- this is why I can’t swallow the whole “your parents loved you and each other” thing at the end of the day. Because even supposing that the latter part is true, the former absolutely is not. It can’t be. And it bothers me so much, because it’s like, so are we supposed to get the impression that Gokudera’s dad is just a misunderstood guy who was only ever trying to do his best, then? Because if not, why even bring any of this up? Is this supposed to be a cathartic revelation for Gokudera, to realize that not only is his dad a dick who never gave a shit about him, but that his mom, too, played a part in how these events all turned out, and that it was her choice not to ever see him? How the fuck is that supposed to make him feel better about the whole situation? In the end it somehow just makes it all end up being even more of a huge clusterfuck.

Lol oh my god. So that’s pretty much all of my thoughts on the matter. As you can see, I still have very strong opinions about all this, and I still haven’t gotten over it after all this time, to the point where I actually wrote a fic that partially revised Gokudera’s backstory just so I could resolve it all in my own mind in a way that actually felt satisfying to me. (The link is here, incidentally, and I really have some nerve linking to that considering that I still haven’t finished the epilogue for it yet. But I guess I have no shame lol.) It’s probably the single most infuriating thing in the entire series for me. I should probably chill out just a little, but! He’s my goddamn son. It’s like you said: I love everything about him too, lol. So for his sake, I will always be mildly enraged over this two-page plot point that occurred ages and ages ago and then never came up again.  (︶▽︶)b

[joeckfick]

What do you mean you all knew?!

I said I’d post this ages ago and then I didn’t because I had been working on it for a week straight and I started to hate it so I took a break and decided I’d go back and read it a few weeks later with a clearer mind. and then weeks literally turned into months and today I finally decided to revisit it. Its not perfect but I’m happy with it enough to post it. feedback would be greatly appreciated. and if Mikey ever finds this im sorry... 😂 (I fully hope none of them ever find this)

Jack and Mikey were in Joe's apartment. He had invited them over yesterday as he hadn't seen them in a few days, but now that he was face to face with them he realized he had forgotten the arrangement completely. Jack recognized the look on Joes face right away.

"You forgot, didn't you?!" Jack gasped pretending to be surprised, his fake surprise quickly turned to laughter "I knew it, Mikey owes me a tenner," he said as he walked past, brushing shoulders with Joe and into the living room, Mikey following shortly behind. Joe keeps forgetting his plans with Jack, he hasn't been able to think straight lately and by "think straight" he means "think STRAIGHT." he has had small crushes on boys before but never as big as the crush he has on Jack. He's felt this way for a while but he just puts it down to it being what he calls a "man crush" he knows its complete bullshit but he'd rather bullshit than face it at this point. When he's around Jack he can't stop smiling and when Jack looks into his eyes he gets butterflies, but yeah it's just a "man crush".  

Joe closed his apartment door and stepped into the living room to see both Jack and Mikey already sat on the couch going through Movies to watch on the tv. Joe sent an apologetic look Jack's way.

"wha... oh no" Jack stutters "I don't mind it's easy to forget" He pauses for a second "I won't hold it against you if I get to choose the movie," Jack said with a wink, Joe blushed and chuckled. "And I get to choose the takeaway" Mikey added prompting Jack to throw a pillow his way.

A couple hours later they had finished their food and were now watching another movie; Joe's choice this time. Not that any of them were paying attention Jack was on a quest to empty the contents of the fridge into his stomach and Joe was in deep thought, staring daggers at a sleeping Mikey. It wouldn't make much of a bloody difference if Mikey was awake or asleep Joe thought, the only difference was when Mikey is sleeping he lets out an involuntary snort every five minutes. Actually now Joe thinks about it he does that when he's awake too. His internal rant about Mikey is interrupted when Jack slumps down next to Joe with a pack of four yoghurts and two spoons, obviously intent on sharing them with him.

"Joe?" he says and Joe looks up at Jack startled realizing he was staring at Mikey. Jack giggles "you're on another planet today."

Joe laughs "Sorry I was thinking about how Mikey is as entertaining asleep as he is awake." They both look over at Mikey to see if he had moved at all in the last thirty seconds; "probably more so." Jack says with a smile, placing the yoghurts and spoons on the coffee table to be forgotten. He gets up and heads into the next room without explanation and misses Joe blushing for the hundredth time today.

Joe daren't question why he blushes every time Jack smiles at him or pretty much looks towards Joe's direction. To be quite frank he sometimes wished that it was just him and Jack hanging out so they had things to talk about other than what Mikey wants to eat or how boring he is when he falls asleep before the movie even starts. Jack catches Joe thinking again, but this time he has a plan to break the boredom.

"I have an idea!" he grins, revealing he's holding a bag of wooden clothes pegs behind his back; the same ones Joe uses for his pranks.

The prank escalated pretty quickly, Mikey was such a deep sleeper that he managed to sleep through the clothes pegs and even their outrageous laughter. They had used up all of the clothes pegs and were now piling anything they could find on top of him.

"Jack pass me some more pillows," Joe laughed, "and have you seen my vlogging camera I need to catch this!" Jack's hands him his vlogging camera and while Joe is busy capturing the moment Jack gets another idea and wanders off to go and find something. He returns shortly after with an airhorn and doesn't even warn Joe before setting it off.

"AAHHHH" Mikey and Joe both squeal in unison, Mikey jumping up and hitting his head on a chair that was conveniently placed over his head. Jack and Joe fall on the couch tangled together and laughing, Joe with tears streaming down his face, but making no sound and Jack making a sound that can only be described as scream-laughing. Joe starts to wander off into thought again. He loves laughing with Jack like this he loves him, to be honest, loves him a little too much and it's constantly getting in the way but he loves moments like these despite that. Suddenly the reality of his feelings set in. He sits up abruptly, he... is he in love with Jack? But surely not? It's not like he wants to grab him and snog him senseless, is it? As a matter of fact, he wouldn't mind that at all, his thoughts are interrupted by the man who currently occupied them.

"Joe?" Jack questions.

Suddenly Joe realizes he's been staring at a blank wall for a bit longer than is considered normal.

"Joe, are you okay?" Jack says with a laugh "did the airhorn make you deaf?" Joe realizes he has to answer soon, but he looks into Jack's eyes and he can't get the words to leave his lips "or have you got the flu again? you're always spaced out when you're ill." Jack goes to put a hand up to Joe's forehead to test for a temperature seeing as he still hadn't answered and Joe was known for getting the flu. But as soon as his hand makes contact Joe snaps out of it flinching back.

realizing Jack was still waiting for an answer he blurted "Yeah, sorry I'm just tired."

"Okay," Jack let out an awkward laugh "well so is Mikey," he says "we'll leave in five so you can get some sleep.," he adds with a smile. Joe doesn't really want him to leave. He wants Mikey to piss off so he can spend some more alone time with Jack but he knows it's for the best, he needs to start being careful around him.

He didn't get much sleep at all that night because he couldn't get his mind off of Jack.

Unbeknownst to him, Jack didn't get much sleep for the exact same reason. He was thinking about Joe.

The next morning Jack woke up from the five minutes of sleep he had to find a phone full of texts and three slept-through alarms. He raced to get ready and out the door as he was already fifteen minutes late. When he got in the uber he checked his phone to see who the texts were from, he'd never admit it but he was hoping some were from Joe. He scrolled through all of his notifications but to Jacks dismay, there were no texts from Joe, only the spam from Mikey asking if he's still coming and a text from Josh saying he would meet Jack there. He doesn't remember Josh being invited but he assumes Joe must have invited him. It's not rare for people to be added to plans last minute. He sends Mikey a quick message letting him know he's on his way.

When Jack arrived he recognized the table with Joe, Mikey, Josh, and Caspar seated at it and headed towards the table right away.  They spotted him before he reached the table and cheered at him mockingly.

"There he is" Mikey shouted Causing people to turn around to see what was making the horrendous noise "shhh! bloody hell." Joe whisper-yelled as Jack was taking a seat across from him. "People are staring." Mikey falls silent pouting like a toddler and the other boys laugh at the exchange.

"I know I'm always late but at least I don't make a scene" Jack chuckles. "you most certainly do" laughs Caspar. Josh pipes up "You Maynards are always late and.." Caspar then interrupts "ALWAYS late" earning a glare from both Josh and Jack. "And you always show up at the worst moment and make a huge scene" Josh continues.

Their banter continues for a while until suddenly Joe gets a text and shortly after explains to the boys that he has to leave because of an "emergency." Joe hurries away but not before catching Jack's eye and giving him the same apologetic look he always does when plans fall through or he forgets. This time though, Jack thinks, there's something different He looks upset. After Joe leaves the boys continue to talk about Joe's weird exit for a bit before moving on to other subjects but Jack is too busy worrying about Joe. He hopes he hasn't upset Joe, he doesn't know what he'd do with himself if he hurt him.

He can't think of a reason Joe would be particularly upset with him unless he found out that Jack secretly had feelings for him and he hoped more than anything that, that wasn't the case. Suddenly Jack was dragged out of his thoughts by Josh asking him something.

"right Jack?"

Jack didn't hear the question but decided to chance a reply anyway.

"uh... oh yeah sure!" he blurts out before reverting to deep thought but not before catching Caspar giving him a strange look. He decides to brush it off because he was acting strangely after all.

When Jack got back from lunch he tried to call Joe. "no answer" he uttered to himself when it went through to voicemail for the second time. He thought about calling again but he didn't want to come off as creepy or annoying. Jack just assumed he was too busy to pick up, Or rather he hoped.

A week and three days since the lunch (yes Jack has creepily been counting, he knows he's weird) and Joe still hasn't picked up any of his calls or replied to any of his texts. He has even avoided any group get-togethers that Jack was a part of. Jack had even asked all the other boys if he was acting strangely towards them too but they all said the same thing "He's not acting strange, perhaps he's just a bit busy" or something along those lines. But Jack liked to think he knew him better than that. Yes maybe Joe was busy, but even when he was busy he'd find time to hang with Jack. They live in the same apartment block it's not that hard. But never the less Jack pushed it to the back of his mind. Conor was visiting today and he was staying at Joe's so Jack didn't want to make it awkward for him.

But of course, as soon as he answered the door Conor noticed something was wrong.

"What the fucks happened now?" Conor said with a fake sigh

"What? nothing! what?" Jack blurted attempting to hide it. Conor just laughed and pushed past Jack and into his apartment. Jack then closed the door. He startled when he turned around to see Conor standing right behind him, still waiting to hear what has happened. Conor let out a little snort at the horrified look on his face "Jack I know somethings up so you might as well just tell me." says Conor. "its nothing!" Jack lies and all he gets back from Conor is a blank stare. He turns away trying to avoid the subject and goes to sit on the couch, Conor follows sitting across from him. Jack tries to start a new conversation but getting no response he finally gives in.

"FINE!" Jack sighs, "It's just" he pauses "I haven't seen or spoken to Joe in ten days and he hasn't replied to my texts or calls and..."

"You're scared he's found out you're in love with him?" Conor interrupts. "SHIT, WHAT? NO!" Jack blurts, he's never actually told Conor about how he feels for Joe. He was just too bloody obvious and Conor had probably guessed before Jack even knew, but that's not the point and now he's looking at Conor with the same horrified look in his eyes again and it gives everything away. Jack quickly looks down suddenly very intrigued by the back of his hand. The last thing he wants right now is to confront his feelings towards Joe while he's being ignored by him and the last place he'd want to do that is in front of his brother.

"look, Jack" Conor tries to look him in the eyes but he won't look up.

"look I think he feels the same about you," Conor utters suddenly and Jack finally looks up looking both sad and hopeful. "That's not funny," he says looking back down at his hands. "I'm serious," says Conor "I've been talking to Caspar and he thinks so too" Jack stands suddenly, "YOU TOLD CASPAR?!"

He starts pacing. "for fuck sake Jack, Joe feels the same about you! Caspar thinks so too," Conor all but yelled, getting up and grasping Jack by the shoulders to stop him from pacing. Jack looks up at him teary-eyed "Are you sure" he sobs. Conor nods and pulls him into a hug.

When Conor breaks the hug apart he tries to lighten the mood "seriously though for someone who's avoiding you he sure does talk about you a lot" Conor laughs

They hang out for a while, they talk about Conor's trip and what Jack has been up to while he was away, but then Conor has to get going as he promised to be in a video with Joe.

"Come back with me and talk to Joe," Conor says and Jack laughs.

"He'd probably freak out at me if I did" Jack lied, Both of them knew Joe wasn't the type to "freak out" at most, it'd be a bit awkward.

Conor recognized Jack wasn't ready, "don't worry, me and Caspar will sort something out," the older brother said with a little wave goodbye as he left.

The next morning Jack gets a text from Conor telling him to meet him at Mikey's in an hour. He knows better than to question it and starts getting ready. When he turns up at Mikey's, the man himself and Conor are waiting outside. He is confused for a second but then he spots that familiar glint in Conor's eye and realizes what he's up to.

"Are we seeing Joe today?" Jack asks, already knowing the answer. "You could have at least told me," he said in a pained voice "I look like shit." He says and Conor laughs, "No you don't," he says "and if I'd have told you, you wouldn't have shown up." Jack wants to argue but he knows Conor is probably right so he stays quiet, Mikey doesn't question a thing because as usual, he is not paying attention at all. Conor explains that all the other boys are together right now at Caspar, Josh, and Grant's place and then they get going.

When they walked into the apartment Jack spotted Joe straight away. He was laughing with Josh and Caspar, Jack couldn't help the smile on his face at the sight of him laughing. He looked up to say hello to them and Jack's heart fluttered. He was convinced if he looked into Joe's eyes any longer he'd just break down and confess his love for him right here, in front of everyone. That was until Joe panicked and then quickly looked away. Jack then realized that Joe had no idea he was going to be here at all, his heart sunk. He looked over at Conor trying to communicate how pissed off he really was but Conor just gave him an apologetic smile in return, which didn't exactly help. Jack gave in and took a seat across from Joe.

Joe quickly became more detached and Jack could tell that all the other boys were trying their hardest to include him but he was looking more and more uncomfortable.

Jack has a leap of courage "Hey uh..." Joe looks up at Jack and Jack continues "Joe can we talk out in the uh... hallway?" He asks. Joe just gets up and walks into the hallway and he takes that as a yes. All the boys look up when Joe walks out but they all seem to calm down when Jack follows. Jack would question this but he doesn't want to keep Joe waiting so he doesn't bother.

When Jack gets into the hallway and sees Joe he's sure he's going to tell him how he feels but when he hears a loud roar of laughter from the next room courtesy of Mikey and Conor, he realizes how terrifying the situation is and now he's face-to-face with him he just starts rambling and flailing his arms.

"Joe, are you doing okay because you've been acting strange lately? are you upset about something? you can tell me if you are. I hope it's not me that has upset you." He takes a deep breath. "Because the last person I'd want to upset is YOU. if you need to talk about anything I'm here fo-..." He gets cut off by Joe grabbing one of his arms.

"Jack I'm okay," he says and lets out a little giggle. Jack smiles at his laugh and pulls him a few inches closer by his wrist, the one that Joe is still clasping onto. Their smiles fade and they stand in silence looking into one another's eyes and Jack swears their faces get a little bit closer and he thinks about kissing him but their silence is broken by a loud cheer in the other room causing Joe to jerk back loosening his hand but before he lets go completely Jack grabs his hand and guides him back into the room where the others are.

When Jack walks back in pulling Joe behind him, Conor catches his eye and Jack shakes his head to let him know he didn't confess, Conor rolls his eyes at Jacks cowardliness but then his eyes lock onto Jack's hand. The same hand that is still intertwined with Joe's hand. The same Joe who just saw the weird telepathic exchange between the two brothers and is now looking between Conor and Jack (But mostly at Jack) with a confused look on his face. Jack smiles at Joe and lets go of his hand turning Joes confused stare into a grin. They return to their seats and Joe isn't as quiet anymore, not with Jack smiling at him from across the room. Caspar sends strange looks Jacks way a few times but he's too busy admiring Joe to notice.

As the evening is coming to an end, Joe spots Conor, Mikey, and Jack

"Jack!" He waves as he's walking towards them and Jack looks up at him with a smile. Joe continues, "Come over tomorrow night to chill with me and Conor?" he asks beaming back at him. Jack nods in agreement, "Yeah sure!" he says enthusiastically and then Mikey starts to pay attention. "What about me?" He insists. Both Jack and Conor give him a death glare and Jack doesn't see it but Joe does too, but Joe being the good-natured person he is, says,

"Sure, but only if you promise not to fall asleep this time."

Jack can't stop thinking about the approaching evening all day, the next day.

He arrived in good time which is rare for a Maynard. Joe actually flinched when he opened the door "Bloody hell Conor come here!" he shouted back into the apartment "a Maynard has shown up on time" he said. Jack chuckled and nudged Joe's shoulder causing Joe to giggle and push Jack back palm-to-chest. Both of them laughed even louder when Conor interrupted clearing his throat "ahem".

Joe guided Jack into the living room by the front of his jacket, not noticing the blush that took place on Jacks' face by him doing so, to choose the movie they were going to watch, as they did every week.

Jack usually got his way with the choice of movie but this time he had made up his mind. Joe was raving about a documentary he'd love to show Jack, looking all cute and enthusiastic it made Jacks' heart swell. "We should watch that then," he said, giggling at the utter shock on the other man's face "are you sure?" Joe squeaked, "I thought you hated documentaries". Jack gestured towards the tv that displayed the list of movies he was just now looking through.

"Well I can't find a movie I'd like to watch and you sound so excited about it so I'll probably like it too," he said.

As Joe is looking for the DVD Conor catches Jack's eye and smirks at him knowing full well there was a movie he wanted to watch on that list.

As soon as Mikey walks through the door he's talking about food, more specifically about what he wants to eat tonight.

"I swear to god I've been thinking about pizza all day!" he declared, but Joe was having none of it this time, "I thought we were getting Nandos?" he said, "I ask for Nandos every week but we always get what you guys want instead" Jack butts in "I think we should go with what Joe wants its only fair" he says, and he doesn't see it but both Conor and Joe are smiling at him. Both for completely different reasons. "AWWW WHAT!" Mikey wailed and the other boys laughed.

"Conor come on! you don't want Nandos, do you?!" he pleaded, "Don't drag me into this I've already said I'm not fussed," Conor said holding his hands in the air and Jack laughed "its two against one Pearce you may as well give up now"

After they have eaten Mikey, of course, falls asleep again even though he promised not to but nobody bothers waking him up

and Conor is left to third wheel Joe and Jack. Not that they mind or even notice, they're too busy laughing and showing each other funny videos on their phones. completely ignoring the documentary that was supposedly one of Joe's favourites.

Conor, who is watching them from the other side of the room, gets an idea. Joe and Jack are sitting far too close for comfort and he decides to have a little fun with it. he walks over to stand in front of where they are sitting on the couch and Joe looks up. Conor gestures for joe to move over so he can sit in between them and Joe awkwardly complies. But Conor doesn't stop there, he starts rambling on about the documentary and what he thinks of it so far while the other boys sit there in silence. Jack looking incredibly pissed off and Joe looking increasingly awkward. Joe mutters something about snacks and wanders off into the kitchen. Conor looks so pleased with himself and it gets on Jacks last nerve so he socks him in the arm with a pointed knuckle and Conor gasps clasping his arm and putting on a mock-hurt tone he says "What was that for?!" and Jack punches him again. "Okay stop!" Conor squeaks, Jack whisper-yells "What the fuck was that?!" and Conor laughs. "I'm third-wheeling big time over here so I thought I'd make the most out of it." Jack gestures as if he's going to punch him again and Conor flinches putting his hand up to protect himself. "maybe if you told him how you feel it wouldn't be as fun to take the piss out of you" He jokes and Jack rolls his eyes "you know its not that easy" he says "and he probably thinks I'm so awkward now!" Jack insists and Conor laughs pissing Jack off even more "why are you laughing this isn't funny?!" suddenly Joe pipes up from where he's standing with the bowl of chips "Not awkward just annoying," he says facing Jack and sending him a wink before he turns to face Conor and gestures for him to move over so he can sit between Conor and Jack acting as if he was stopping them from arguing but really was just wanting to sit closer to Jack.

As Joe sits forward to put the crisps on the coffee table behind his back Jack mouths and gestures to Conor "how long was he there?" Conor just smirks and shakes his head and as Joe is leaning back again he catches a red-faced Jack gesturing towards Conor, who is pretending not to notice, "Can you two not argue for five minutes?" he jokes inching closer to Jack to show him another funny clip on his phone. Conor smiles to himself and picks up his phone to text Caspar "it's working."

as the night comes to an end and Mikey finally wakes up, their goodbyes are rushed, as Mikey was in a hurry and needed to get something from Jacks apartment.

an hour after Jack gets back to his apartment and is getting ready to sleep he gets a text from Joe "Your jacket and phone charger are still here so I'm coming over to drop them off now." was all it read, but Jacks' heart was racing as he re-read the text a couple times and then he heard a knock at the door.

He answered the door in his pyjamas to find a nervous looking Joe looking down at his feet and shuffling them "Hi" he said not being able to stop the smile on his face from the sight in front of him. Joe looked up with a startled look on his face but it quickly changed to mimic Jacks warm smile "Hi" he said back "Heres your stuff" he said handing Jack the jacket and charger and as Jack took them their fingers brushed causing Jack to flinch slightly. Joe didn't look as if he had noticed but Jack was ninety-nine per cent sure he had. They stand there with nothing to say for about three seconds. They normally always had something to talk about so Jack said the first thing that he could think of "i-is Conor as annoying now as he was when he was my roommate" he stuttered causing him to blush he inwardly cursed himself for stuttering, he never stutters. Joe laughed "I don't think we argue as much as you two do," he said and Jack chuckled. If only he knew what they were arguing about. As if Joe read his mind he changes the subject "you know Caspar said something yesterday that made me think" he says and Jacks heart drops and he knows Joe sees it this time because he takes a step forward and coils Jacks shirt around his fist as if he was afraid he was going to float away. Jack looked down at Joe's hand and then into his eyes his heart beating a mile a minute. Joe looked like he was contemplating something his brows knitted together and his bottom lip between his teeth. Jack looked into his eyes and then at his lips, he couldn't help but stare. Joe took this as an answer to his unasked question and wrenched Jack forward by his pyjama shirt out into the hallway as their lips pressed together harder than intended. Any other time Jack would have been very conscious of the fact he was wearing pyjamas in a semi-public hallway, but not now, with Joe's mouth on his and arms around Joe's neck, surrounded by the scent of the man he loved. The moment was too perfect, too good to be true and Joe panicked. He pushed Jack away uttered an apology and raced down the hallway, Jack tried to call him back suddenly aware he was in the hallway in his pyjamas "Joe wait!" he shouted prompting the neighbour that lived across from him to open the door and shush him. He desperately wanted to go after Joe but decided Joe would be better off if he didn't. he probably hates me now, Jack thought.

Jack spends the whole morning the next day debating whether to go to Joe's that evening.

All of the boys were planning to go over to Joes tonight. It had been set in stone for a couple days now so Jack knew it'd look weird if he didn't show up and Conor wouldn't stop texting him asking him to get things for tonight. So Jack decided he would go even if he didn't stay for the whole night. He was still unsure of how Joe would react though and if the kiss even meant anything to him.

That evening Jack was only a little later than he should've been. Conor was the one to answer the door and the other boys were already sat outside by then. He followed Conor to the terrace and watched as he took a seat in between Caspar and Joe. Jack took the only seat that was still available and sat on the end next to Mikey.

The boys were having an animated conversation about their travelling plans and Joe was joining in but not a lot. so Jack tries to make eye contact with Joe, and he either doesn't notice or is purposely trying to avoid him. However, Conor notices and looks between Jack and Joe with a furrowed brow finally settling on Jack and mouthing "what did you do?" Jack laughs and shakes his head dismissing Conors question and goes back to listening to the other boys travelling conversation.

Halfway through the night, not much has changed other than it getting darker and colder. Joe is still avoiding him, Conor is still sending strange looks and now Caspar has apparently decided to join in too, staring at Jack as if he has two extra heads. In fact, he's staring that much that Jack checks himself in his phone reflection a few times to check if he's miraculously grown another head. Jack spots both Caspar and Conor whispering multiple times and he decides to confront them about it.

"Oi, what're you two whispering about over there?!" He jokes, loud enough that all of the boys turn to look at Caspar and Conor. All but one, Joe, who finally makes eye contact with Jack. Jack smiles at him, trying to think of something to say to make him laugh but Joe quickly looks away again and Jacks' heart sinks. He wishes Joe would just talk to him, he feels like shit when Joe's avoiding him.

A few minutes later the boys start complaining about the cold and Joe heads inside to get blankets for everyone. He takes a little while and Jack sees this as the perfect opportunity to try and talk to Joe. He manages to slip away unnoticed. He bumps into Joe on his way back outside, arms full of blankets, and Joe drops them in shock and stands to stare at Jack with a horrified look on his face. Jack laughs "I'm not that scary!" He says. Joe visibly relaxes at this and Jack smiles warmly at him causing Joe's face to flush bright pink and Joe's hands shoot up to his face in an attempt to hide it but Jack has already noticed and it only makes his heart swell even more. Jack steps forward gently removing Joe's hands from his face and holding them in his own and decides its now or never. "Look, Joe, I know you know I have feelings for you and I know, you know, I know you do too" He starts rambling again "and if what happened last night..." He is cut off by Joe laughing at him. "What?" he says looking both frightened and amused. Joe laughs again and says "you're just cute." Jack smiles "Oh yeah?" he says in a mock-challenging tone and Joe just nods as Jack pulls him closer. This time Jack is the one to kiss Joe, wrapping his arms around Joe's waist and Joe's hands holding either side of Jack's face. But they're abruptly interrupted by a choir of wolf whistles and howling, and Josh shouting "I bloody knew it!".

Jack's head spins around startled by the intrusion and Joe buries his head in Jacks' shoulder. The two awkwardly stand there as the others gather up the blankets and Caspar says "we will meet you two back outside when you're ready" and Joe looks up just as Caspar winks at them. Causing Joe to blush and hide his face in Jacks' shoulder again. Jack chuckles at Joe as the boy's exit the room and in the distance, they both hear Mikey, "What do you mean you all knew?! I never knew!" and both Jack and Joe burst into laughter this time.

[wily-one24]

I hope there's not a question limit per ask lol... Paint it Black: 3, 4, 5, 11, 12, 14 and 15 (or as many of those as you feel like answering lol)

Okay, two things.

A. Of *course* there’s no ask limit. I am an attention whore and will talk all day if you encourage me. Ask away!!

B. WTF tumblr? When I reposted that, it was a paragraph basically saying “ask about my fic!”, but now there are NUMBERED QUESTIONS? What? Where was the second half of that post when I came across it in my dash? 

ANSWERS

3. What’s your favourite line of narration?

Oh geez. How the hell am I going to answer that? I have favourite lines per chapter, I have favourite lines per scene! Each part I’m reading at any given moment happens to be my favourite. Every time I reread it, I find something new... and... maybe I suck for saying this... but I think “you’re a fucking genius”, then I get all sad, because I think that was probably one of the last great things I’ll write. I’ve been going downhill ever since... but anyways, to seriously answer your question, I’ll give a few examples... 

 - That face off scene between Regina and Snow, where Snow claims her father was a good man and Regina answers “To you!”, the entire scene is charged and emotional and brings up so much shit between them that was never explored in canon. 

- The flashback of Emma’s tenth birthday (technically collectively, all of the flashbacks, really. They’re angsty as fuck, but so formative in their characterisation that sometimes I forget they’re not actually canon). I have this habit of tearing Emma down to her bare bones and then trying to build her up again. I actually do this with most of my main female characters, and I do apologise for that Buffy, Kaylee, Veronica, Emma, and Alex. You all deserve so much better than me. 

- The scene where Regina is alone in the castle and revisits the old chamber of Leopold’s. It’s hard to read but that is some weird little cathartic release right there. There is some great imagery that I don’t think many people allow Regina when it comes to her healing. Everybody tends to go the “being married to Leopold was a BAD THING” route, without ever really exploring the day to day soul destroying aspect of it. The reality of being the King’s prisoner wife. But giving her the ability and strength to revisit it, so she can finally acknowledge to herself how damaging it was, to close herself off from it both literally and figuratively, and then to be self aware enough to compare that situation to the one she has Emma in. That is empowerment. 

- The parallel scenes of Emma and Henry at the start and the end of the fic. The first being when Henry is so adamant to rescue Emma and curse everyone again just to take them back... and the last where you can see how much indoctrinated he is into the fairy tale land, how much he is drifting from “our world” being the real one, to the fairy tale land being his reality, and how his morality has shifted... but then... he also brings it back by getting vulnerable and shows his concern not just for Emma but for Regina... which also shows great advancement from the child like black/white morality of good vs evil he begins with to an acceptance of a more adult grey-area morality, his willingness to examine the facts and the truth to make up his mind. 

All the minor characters... Nancy (sweet, voiced Nancy), and Miss Edith (poor Miss Edith), Rachel, all the little characters that had such minor parts, but had such great effects in the lives of our main characters. 

Oooh, writing Rumple was fun. I got to write him as nobody really does. As that creepy reptilian imp from the first few flashbacks in S1. Before they really woobified him. The hysteric giggling, maniacal creature who smelled the air and exuded pure malice. It was really enjoyable writing him like that. 

Well, this went terribly off topic... anyway, yes, flashback scenes and confrontation scenes, be they between Snow and Regina, Emma and Regina, Regina and Maleficent, Emma and Snow, Emma and Henry... it’s in emotion that the true power of the fic lives. 

4. What’s your favourite line of dialogue?

oh, this is harder than the first. It would take me ages to reread this fic (and now I most likely am, thanks) to really go through it and cherry pick my favourites. But, if a line has happened to truly hit home and resonate with you as a reader, it most likely did the same for me. I remember quite a few times writing this fic, thinking “holy fuck!” and knowing, just knowing, that it was definitely the line to write. 

5. What part was the hardest to write?

The first two chapters. Up until the pivotal moment where Regina heals Emma, those were difficult to write and definitely difficult to read. I’ve had many readers tell me they were about to give up, bc it was too much torture porn to enjoy, but that moment specifically was a turning point for them because it built up the trust that I could and would reign Regina in beyond the point of no forgiveness or return. 

11. What do you like best about this fic?

I liked writing it. 

It took me to some pretty intense places. Fic writing, for me, has always been a form of therapy. I work through to some pretty intense fucking emotions through the angst of it all. Like, no, I have never been magically transported to a fairy tale land, collared, enslaved, and held against my will for the sake of my family and community’s lives... but if you look deeper in my life at the time, I had just been through a pretty horrific pregnancy that nearly killed me, my spouse and I separated, and I was left ill, recovering, and a single mother of a toddler and infant. I felt like I was being ripped apart from all angles, forced into a live of servitude for the betterment of everyone around me at the cost of myself. Even, though, like Emma, I didn’t blame them, it was still a period of mourning and loss.

I didn’t realise it at the time. This revelation happened years later when rereading the fic and trying to see where all the emotions had been coming from. It happens a lot with some of my more intense, dramatic, and (strangely enough) most popular fics. I don’t always see the correlation to my life at the time, but if I look back I can generally trace the rationality behind what my muse was trying to work through. 

12. What do you like least about this fic?

The polarisation. The controversy. That fucking chapter fucking four. I still cannot reread that chapter without having to take a step back and breathe. That scene has some good imagery, but even now sometimes I just skip it. It’s not worth the shakes or unease or... ugh, just thinking about it upsets me. 

I made a mistake in the tagging and I learned from it, but holy fuck was I attacked at the time and used as a sacrifical cow to the radfems. It was, honestly, surprising to me. Not only the reaction, but the harshness of it, all the accusation and personal attacks aimed at me.  

I mean, I knew the fic was always going to be confronting to some. It dealt with some pretty hard issues and subject matter. I had warned for all the violence and non/dub con. But... I didn’t expect or prepare for the backlash in including a male, even if the male used was... just used... and never actually amounted to anything more than a tool for Regina to control/bind/further entrench Emma to her own will in one scene. 

I, very naively, went into it thinking “surprise!”, and that an almost canon past pairing that was heavily explored in the actual show would not be controversial in the least. More fool me, I suppose. I definitely went back to re-tag it, I apologised. I am not sure what else I could have done, but to this day this fic is held up as an example of queer baiting and everything wrong with false lesbianism. And it is definitely used as an example by biphobic people as to why bisexual women cannot be trusted as we’re all “really straight women at heart”.

To be fair, I never explicitly labelled the fic as “lesbian”. I begin all my fics (no matter how AU or ‘out there’) from a canon stand point. Meaning, everything that happened in the show up to that point counts. Which includes every prior relationship both Emma and Regina had been in up to the Season One finale. Which, surprise, were with men!! 

14. Is there anything you wanted readers to learn from reading this fic?

I don’t know if there’s anything they should ‘learn’, but I definitely hope readers realise that this is in NO WAY AN EXAMPLE OF A HEALTHY BDSM RELATIONSHIP. It is not meant to be a guide, a ‘how to’, or a ‘goal’. This is an incredibly fucked up way for two already fucked up characters, to find some kind of semblance of existence in a world/s stacked up against them from the very start. I didn’t think I needed to state that out loud, but apparently I had to. Many times.  

If not that... then definitely I hope perhaps some of the writing made people think about the characters more in depth, or differently, that it gave the reader a new way of thinking about the show and the storylines/characters in it.  

15. What did you learn from writing this fic?

Tagging. Tagging fucking matters. Tag properly. Like, just do it. 

In all seriousness, though... I think I learned a lot about my own trauma. 

I also think my writing developed throughout the fic. There is a definite shift from the first two chapters... you can definitely see where it became less of a short one off smutty fic set up and more of an in depth angsty character exploration of the soul kinda thing. 

I learned about set up and development and bringing in stray bits of plot development later in the story to tie up loose ends.  

[gascon-en-exil]

I Liked Fates Before It Was Cool!: Birthright Part 1

Prologue

Opening Chapters

Chapters 6-11, in which Hoshido’s military is extremely disorganized and only regroups because the mere idea of Ryoma is just that awesome.

Chapter 6

Not much to say here. Corrin tells Xander they’re siding with Hoshido against Garon and implores him to do the same, Xander accuses them of being brainwashed and, after repeated refusals, tries to kill Corrin. Following this is a chapter that will probably be finished during the first enemy phase unless Ryoma gets really unlucky. I suppose it makes sense that this is the shortest of the three versions of Chapter 6 as Corrin went to the border already with the Hoshidans. While it’s kind of neat that all the Hoshidan royals are playable on this map as a bit of a preview, note that this is the fourth of just seven chapters in which Ryoma has appeared as a unit prior to his formal recruitment. We get it already, the guy’s an OP powerhouse and a clear favorite of the writers.

This is also where I should probably bring up My Castle, but I don’t have much to say here as it was never a feature I particularly enjoyed. Other FEs have addressed the concept of a base for your army integrated into gameplay far better than this. Genealogy and the Tellius games and others may not let you perv on your units taking a bath or disgust them with your horrendous cooking, but what does that really add to the experience? I know, I know, a bunch of small and scattered stat boosts....

Chapter 7

Oh, silly banter in the middle of an attack while surrounded by wounded and dying soldiers. Never change, FE. But seriously, even if he’s just Cordelia with a dick whose semen produces more Cordelias let’s take the time to appreciate that Subaki is the series’s first playable male pegasus knight. Fates’s take on classes is actually very egalitarian, a fact that often gets lost in its sea of fanservice and subtle story-enforced misogyny and everything about <insert character whose gender/sexuality-related presentation offends you most>. Moving on.

I’m still not entirely clear what happens to the Hoshidan army between this chapter and the preceding one. They really appear to just break ranks and scatter: Corrin and co. go fool around in the astral plane with Lilith, Ryoma and Takumi lead some of their forces toward Izumo (why?), no one cares about Hinoka, and Sakura retreats here to Fort Jinya to tend to the wounded at a makeshift military hospital. It makes sense that the Hoshidan army wouldn’t have the strictest organization thanks to their years of protection under Mikoto’s barrier, but the problem is the game never tells us that and we’re left to infer these things based on the events of the next few chapters.

The Nohrians meanwhile are still on the offensive, but they screwed up by sending Silas’s unit to attack the fort. Silas has an unhealthy attachment to Corrin that frankly rivals Camilla’s, and his abrupt defection here because he wants to hang out with his partially amnesiac BFF undoubtedly bodes ill for anyone associated with him when news of it reaches Nohr. I guess it’s cute in my case that Silas’s obsession with Corrin knows no gender, but the guy probably steals underwear to sniff. Saizo is entirely justified in being suspicious of him.

Paralogue 1

Oh yeah, I forgot all about this chapter. Mozu’s just not as memorably meme-worthy as Donnel, and recruiting her is less frustrating since you’re not forced to make her poke things in her joining chapter. It does make the Faceless seem like more of a threat to Hoshido, although as a consequence playing through this paralogue in Conquest always feels a little weird. This plus the first Castle Invasion were mostly for EXP and support farming. For anyone wondering, I’m going to be keeping most of my characters in their default class sets since I don’t feel like grinding skills or anything elaborate like that. Also, I’m playing on Normal, so I’ve got a lot of latitude in how I play which is how I prefer FE anyway.

Chapter 8

Hinoka sums up my feelings on her and her retainers. Azama’s got some amusing lines and if I knew more about Buddhism his...interesting take on philosophy would probably be even funnier, but that’s about it. And yeah, Hinoka really just does pop onto the scene with no explanation except that she’s also trailing her brothers and I guess everyone really did forget about her. Sucks to be a late development addition.

Iago tosses the conflict ball to ensure the party’s trip to the Wind Tribe village is a rough one, though since Fuga was set on testing Corrin’s worth by sending a bunch of his tribesmen to get slaughtered by their army anyway I wonder why he even bothered. This is a rare case of a desert map that isn’t a frustrating pain in the ass, because it’s small and there are Dragon Veins to reduce the amount of sand. I also like how even on the lowest difficulty of the easiest route the game is already throwing a boss at you with some annoying skills. Fuga’s motivations may be silly, but at least he leaves us with the memory of a good chapter, some cryptic foreshadowing for the Yato, and a shota wind mage who unfortunately continues in the tradition of Ricken stepping away from their archetypical dynamic after Tellius made it just a little too close to explicitly gay.

Chapter 9

Izana, huh...Izana is...

Let’s talk about Zola!

Zola is one of the rare Fates villains who isn’t (always) exactly what he looks like. On first glance he’s just a typical simpering syncophant with a fitting talent for illusions, but he actually comes with a bit of a character arc in Birthright which I have to say I wasn’t expecting. It was almost as unexpected as Leo’s unexplained appearance at the end of this chapter to kick off said arc by leaving Zola exiled. One big problem I have with Fates is how characters have a tendency to teleport around off-screen as the plot demands it, distance between locations or basic geography be damned, but it’s marginally more forgivable here since Leo is shown later in this route to know how to perform literal teleportation.

I believe this is also one of the only times in Birthright where Hinoka gets to do something that affects the plot, so good on her for acting suspicious of fake!Izana. She’ll go right back to being overshadowed by her brothers - including being overshadowed at being overshadowed - soon enough.

Izumo’s role as the designated neutral nation is delved into more thoroughly in Conquest, weirdly enough. Here Corrin and co. get left only with a vague directive to head toward the Bottomless Canyon and some of Azura’s song lyrics. That’s kind of a good thing, because I’ve got nothing on Izana now. I get that he’s an amusing surprise the first time around, but...who wrote him like that?

Chapter 10

Allow me to divert for a moment from the Takumi angst to pick some very large nits with the geography of this game. In the previous chapter Corrin learned that Ryoma and Takumi had been pushed to the Bottomless Canyon, which is nowhere near their location - but hold onto that thought. The canyon is clearly northwest of Izumo, yet the party goes south to Mokushu allegedly in an effort to reach them there. Fates has a bad time in general with giving a good impression of where its events are taking place, partly because the scale of the map is odd and not helped by it being a topographic rather than a political map like in every other FE, partly because there are times like this where the information presented appears to be simply wrong. What’s worse, the major plot development surrounding Takumi’s possession in Birthright does not, at least so far as I recall, necessitate that he have been possessed by Anankos or anyone else connected to the Bottomless Canyon. I’ll certainly be revisiting this when the time comes.

But...whatever. In spite of everyone getting lost except Ryoma (because of course) this is actually a good chapter, with a cramped map filled with environmental hazards to add challenge. The treachery of Mokushu spans all three routes and is one of those set pieces that benefits from development in each of them. Kotaro’s connection to the, er, Christmas ninjas (and elsewhere, Shura) isn’t developed here unless you choose to have them engage him in combat, but that just saves stuff for the other routes. 

Chapter 11

Pictured: easily one of the most forgettable playable characters in this game. It’s a shame too, because she’s the only default kinshi knight and her bits of dialogue and few supports offer hints of an interesting backstory that would speak to gender roles in Hoshido. Alas, she’s merely a Corrinsexual.

This chapter itself is filler, but mechanically it’s good filler. Your new OP archer royal gets plenty of targets for his bow, there are some promoted generics to spice things up, and the Dragon Veins can either help or hinder you depending on how you use them. I don’t care for the antagonist fake-out between the opening and closing cutscenes and the chapter proper - where did possessed!Sumeragi the mysterious swordsman go while you were fighting the fliers? - but that’s a minor quibble. Corrin already beat that guy.

A larger problem is with Takumi’s development, or rather lack thereof. As I said last time the events of the opening chapters explain his initial hostility to Corrin (and Azura) quite well, and Mikoto’s death only reinforces that feeling. Why then does that hostility vanish so quickly in Birthright? Just one chapter after recruitment and he’s already turned his characteristic prickliness onto Zola instead, and I don’t recall it appearing much again except in the context of possession. It’s only the route the ends with Takumi as the final boss that allows him space for his feelings to develop organically (albeit in a negative direction), possibly because Conquest is the only one in which he’s not beholden to love Corrin like all playable characters in Avatar-centered games.

Next time: Birthright Chapter 12 - 18

[spikeisawesome456]

So... I decided to do all of these asks, because I was bored. :-D 

Obscure Asks.

1. what’s your favorite way to dress? Uhh… Comfortably. I tend to just wear yoga pants, graphic t-shirts, and a Dipper hat.

2. if you could change anything about yourself, what would it be? Ohhh… I both want to say lots of things, and nothing. Because on one hand, there are things about me that annoy me (I overshare, I sometimes get insanely hyper, like now, I can be really mean/rude, etc.…), but on the other hand, I do enjoy who I am. For all my faults, I am proud of the person I’ve become, and the person I’m still becoming. Maybe I’d make my memory better, so I could really utilize my intelligence, and stop forgetting people’s names because it’s starting to get really rude.

3. what movie/game/etc. helps you calm down? Eh… I like to play Stardew Valley, but it doesn’t help me calm down. I play it when I’m calm. It actually used to stress me out… probably not a good example. Uh… Nothing, I guess. Music helps. Sometimes. Basically, when I’m stressed, the only thing that can help is solving the problem or ignoring the problem. And if I can’t ignore it, I just… get stressed. Hugging my mom sometimes helps.

4. what does your room smell like? Like… a room? It smells okay? It recently smells like Maple Cinnamon Pancakes, because I got a Maple Cinnamon Pancake candle from Bath and Body Works, so… yeah?

5. do you like to organize? Ehh… Like to, yes. Do I do it? Noooo….

6. what kind of music would you listen to if you could only choose one? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Why Would You Ask Me This???????????? Also I’m assuming this means genre. But… Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

7. what song is your aesthetic? Um… I don’t really know my Aesthetic? I’m a bit all over the place. Girly, tom boy, shiny, glittery, matte…. Fast, slow, everything in between and outside. If you know of a song like that, then that’s me! Otherwise… Eh.

8. what color do you think goes best with your personality? Uh… No idea. I like blue, though. I’m not that calm a person, though. Well, sometimes, but not always. Well, it depends on what you mean by calm. So… Probably purple, a mix between loud red/orange and cool blue.

9. do you believe in auras? Not… really? A little? Like, we each have our own personal feel, and energy. Like, in a psychological way. But in the color way? Not really. Can people feel other’s energy better than others? Sure! But that’s just a hyper awareness of self and other, not a “six sense,” or whatever.

10. what do you wish you hated, but actually like? I don’t wish to hate anything.

11. vague about your crush(es) I… don’t have any. I decided a long time ago that crushes were stupid, after I ruined a good friendship with my weird crush. Plus, I don’t spend enough time around people to develop crushes.

12. is there someone you have mixed feelings towards? Not… really? Some of my old professors, maybe. My Abnormal Psychology professor was nice, sometimes, but could say such mean things at times about people with mental illness.

13. talk about an au or story you came up with Oh! I made up a story about a man who has two sons (though I changed it so one child, the elder, was a daughter in the last edit, so…) who sold his soul to keep them safe and happy, after he lost all his money when his business partner skipped town and left his embezzlement charges with the man. The man didn’t get sent to jail, since the small town had pity on him, but he did lose all his money, meaning his eldest, now a daughter, had to steal. Hating that, he made a deal with the devil. 2 years later, the devil (who isn’t evil, but more like the Jewish idea of the devil, who is a temptation) comes knocking and the man learns that instead of taking his soul, since the devil would get it at his death regardless (in order to make a deal with the devil you had to commit the greatest sin, murder, thus tainting your soul), the devil took the thing you loved most. For selfish men, it would be their fame and money. For lustful men, it would be their object of affection. For the man, who had made the deal for selfless reasons, it was his children, whom he loved more than anything.

The plot would have gone into the man trying to escape the devil, who graciously gave him a week to prepare, but I didn’t know how to write it, and it’s kind of been in my notes on my iPod for years. It would have ended with the devil catching up to the family, with the man finally begging the devil to let his children live, that it wasn’t their fault. And the devil would have smiled, sweetly, before killing the children while the man watched. As the devil turned away, the man would have brokenly asked why? Why he couldn’t have left them alone? And the devil would have chuckled sadly and said that it was what had always been planned. That the entire chase had been futile from the very first moment. The devil had sympathy for the man, but he couldn’t go against the orders of God (my version of the devil is kinder, more sympathetic to the plights of humans, since I view the “devil” not as an enemy, but as, I previously mentioned, a temptation. He tempts people, on God’s orders, but doesn’t have any true animosity towards humanity. He just follows orders). Finally, the man begs the devil to kill him, to end his suffering, that even an eternity in Hell would be better than living knowing he killed his children. And then, I’m split on the ending. In the dream that inspired this story, the devil smiles wickedly and says, “I thought you’d never ask,” before bashing the man (me, in the dream) over the head with a bat, since in the dream the devil was eviler. But I think it’s more poignant to let the devil laugh softly again, turn, and say “Oh, my dear man. That’s the whole point,” before walking away/disappearing.

Anyway, that was my main story idea. I really like it, and wrote about 20,000 words for it, but got stuck on the middle part. I wanted to add an old friend of the man’s, who became an alcoholic following the death of one of their old friends. The friend group fell apart after the man left for plot reasons, which I don’t have time to explain, and it grew worse until one of their friends died, and the whole friend group fell apart and she became an alcoholic. However, I wasn’t sure if this subplot took away from the whole plot, and I felt it was written poorly, so I kind of gave up. Plus, I had no idea what obstacles the devil could put in their way, since I don’t know religion. Though… I am currently taking a bible course in college, so maybe I’ll revisit the story. If anyone wants to read what I have, send me a message. :-)

14. do you like makeup? Eh… Depends. I sometimes like it. Also, after writing about my whole story, going back to these questions just feel weird. Eh.

15. do you prefer space or the ocean? I like the ocean, since I can see it more often. Though, I love looking at the stars when I can. I just live in a city with tons of light pollution and can’t ever see the stars.

16. if you could pick any planet besides earth, where would you live? ????? What other planets could I live on??? I don’t know any real planets that have life on them, and none of the 7 others we have interest me much. Or is this fictional? In which case… I don’t know?

17. what form of government do you like the most? (capitalism, socialism, etc.) Um… this took a dark turn. “Hey, what’s your favorite color??” “Do you like makeup??? :-D” “What is your political preference, you capitalist/commie scum???” This question just feels like a trap the cops laid in the middle of a silly, fun little quiz.

18. what animal would you keep as a pet, if you could? I’d keep a cat, but I’m allergic. And a little afraid. Also, I think this means like, wild animal, or mythical creature, but I wouldn’t want to keep a wild animal captive, even if I could. Same with mythical creature.

19. what do you think our purpose is in the universe? To do our best and to enjoy the life we’ve been given. This relates to the next question, but I believe that if there is a God, they’d want us to enjoy life.

20. do you believe in god(s)? Continuing from the last question, yes and no. I believe in a higher power, since I don’t see how the entire universe and life can just be random, but I don’t really believe in “God” or “gods” as humans have imagined them, as helpful or destructive forces that meddle with humanity. I believe they would be a high creature, humans unable to sense them since we don’t have the body parts available to “see” them. There would likely be multiple higher beings, but it is possible one is in charge of earth, to look over us. Though, no miracle granting or listening in, since they probably aren’t on the same timeline we are, or an entire generation to us is a second to them. The afterlife is tricky, which is why I’m so terrified to die, so I won’t go into it. But, long story short, yes. I do believe in a sort of “God.” What they mean to earth, what they want with us, I don’t know. But I do believe something created the universe, and watches over the various planets. Also, I believe that other planets have life, and that aliens may or may not have visited earth, but if they did, we might not have known, since, like with “God,” we don’t have the appendages or body parts available to “see” them. I mean, if we didn’t have eyes or ears, we’d never know what we were missing. Who knows what we can’t “see” because we don’t have the right parts?

21. is there a song you can’t handle listening to, even though you like it? Ehh…. Nothing, really. But, there was a P!nk song I had to turn off halfway through. Not because I hated it, but because it reminded me of my family too much it hurt. I didn’t really like the song, but it was okay. I think it was called Family Portrait? Update, I looked it up, and yes, it is called Family Portrait, by P!nk. It’s not completely similar to my family, but it’s close enough that it just… hurt.

22. what ex do you miss the most, if you have one? If you never date, you can never have an ex you miss the most. *Insert guy tapping his forehead meme here*

23. do you like soft, fluffy blankets or rough/smooth blankets? Soft ones. Who… who likes rough blankets??? What??? I mean, I prefer smoother ones, I guess, to super fluffy. But rough? Really??

24. what is your favorite thing to learn about? Psychology!!! I love it!

25. what country’s history do you find the most interesting? Um… I don’t really like history. I’m taking a history class, though, and I liked Islam’s history. No one country, but the history of the Middle East and Islam.

26. what do you think about genderbent ____ (insert someone here) I think this is one where you had to send in a question for. So, feel free to ask me about any genderbend you like, but warning: I tend not to like genderbent characters. I just think it’s weird, and pointless. Especially if you genderbend a character to make a gay ship straight. Like… dude. Or, vice versa, to make a straight ship gay. It’s just… unnecessary. Make new characters or find a different ship.

27. what breakup was the hardest, if you had one? *insert answer from question 22, but exchange “Ex you miss the most” for “hardest breakup”

28. do you have someone where you can’t decide if you like them romantically or just as a friend? Not really. Going back to question 11, I don’t spend enough time around people to really know. But, as I have weird understandings of friendship and love, as well as a deep loneliness that makes me emotionally invested in anyone who is even slightly a friend, this sort of happens all the time. I just want to be less lonely, usually. I’m just… bad at people. I tend not to like them, and they bore me, yet I long to be around people and have friends. So. Lots of contradictions.

29. what do you think about Tumblr discourse? Eh. I think most of it is stupid. Just… chill. The world sucks, it’s best just to do things you enjoy, don’t sweat the small stuff. Even the big stuff. If there’s nothing you can do, just… move on. Live with it, and live your life. Don’t yell at random people, even If they’re “terrible.” Nothing is black and white, and as soon as you start attacking others because of your opinion, you’re becoming a person in the wrong, even if your view is virtuous. No one is right. No one is wrong. It’s just a matter of opinion. Now, does that mean you shouldn’t argue your point? No! Your view is valid and if it matters to you, express it. But don’t hate on another because of it. Or else you lose your virtue, your moral “righteousness.” Sorry, this went in a wrong direction. But… yeah.

30. what instrument do you wish you could master? Piano, guitar, and violin. Piano the most, though.

31. how easy is it for you to be honest? Pretty easy? I tend to be honest, most often, because I don’t really see why not. But it’s also easy to tell white lies or to omit truths, if it makes my life easier. So. Eh.

32. do you have any strange interests? Nothing I can really think of? Nothing that other people aren’t interested in. I like collecting coins, but so do many others.

33. do you have any strange fears? Ehh… I’m a bit afraid of animals, but it’s mostly because I’m afraid of them hurting me, which isn’t really strange?? So… again, not really? Most of my fears are common. Maybe my fear of holes? Like, on the skin? But people have that fear, too. And it’s less a fear and more of a disgust.

34. what food do you binge on when you’re lazy? Anything I can, really. I tend not to get super hungry, so I only eat when I’m bored or “lazy”, or when I know people should eat. Also, I dislike calling it lazy, since I think that’s a negative word for a more complicated feeling. For me, at least.

35. when you get angry, how do you show it? I tend to go quiet and seethe. I don’t usually yell, though I will if the other person (my dad usually) is yelling. I prefer leaving the room, though, or else getting all “righteous”. Like, righteous fury, though I’m not always righteous when I get angry.

36. do you have any impulsive movements? (twitches, ticks, flapping, etc.) Dude, yes. I tend to crack my knuckles/twist my hands impulsively/nervously. I also tap/rub my thumb against my fingers, or move my foot. Mostly when I’m “hyper,” or possibly manic. Otherwise, when I’m more down, it’s just the cracking knuckles thing.

37. what do you listen to music on? iPod/Phone, and my computer. I tend not to listen to radio. Sometimes I’ll listen to new music on YouTube, but it’s mostly iTunes/the iPod/phone music app.

38. are you left brained or right brained? Well, we all have both right and left brains, so I am both. Since no one side of the brain can be really more dominant. Unless part of your brain is dead, like my mother’s, who is more right brained, since parts of her left brain died when she was born. But, since I understand what this question is asking, I am, really, both. I’m creative and logical. Shocker.

39. earbuds or headphones? Oh, headphones, every time. I HATE earbuds. They always fall out of my ears. I mean I’ll take them if I have nothing else, but I hate them.

40. do you like light blankets or heavy blankets? Eh…. I tend to have heavy blankets, even though it’s hot where I am, and I need a fan to keep me cool. So. Yeah.

[evakfanficsrecs]

EVAK FANFICTION RECS / PART 12

Hi, hello everyone! <3

It’s been a while since my last masterpost and I figured now would be the perfect time to post this anyway since... you know... after today, there will be no more of the real thing. So consider this as a kind of fix-it gift from moi, which you can devour when we’re all sad about the show ending. I would include the cheesy ‘Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened’ quote, but that would be kind of hypocritic since I’m already bawling my eyes out myself, so... yeah. Enjoy these fics at least! :)

Lastly, Skam might be ending, but I promise you we’re not going anywhere... As long as there are fics to recommend, we’ll be here with new rec lists at hand & ready to reply to all your asks/requests! 

As always, the list is divided into oneshots and chaptered fics.  My personal favorites are tagged with a “ ★ ”. Completed chaptered fics are tagged with a “ ✓ ”.

Now, without further ado, all the fics can be found under the cut. Have fun!

*

ONESHOTS:

i could probably just curl up in you. by milominderbinder Summary: Isak is away at a cabin with the guys when he gets a text from Even. “hey, babe, did you take my favourite hoodie?” He is, of course, outraged that Even would accuse him of such treachery. The fact that Isak is wearing the hoodie at that very moment has nothing to do with it.

take it slowly darling, this time i'm feeling a change by ahana Summary: The first time he saw Isak Valtersen.

It's Okay to Not be Okay by okaywhateverokayyes Summary: Isak's thinking about the pieces of paper that Even still leaves him in the morning- about parallel universes and how he writes all these words that somehow are strung together to sound more articulate than Isak could ever make them sound- And it dawns upon him, what all of it means.

when your heart is bleeding, i'm coming to get you by cosetties ★ Summary: uni!au; Isak doesn't exactly expect his hookup from last week to be the love advice columnist at the school newspaper he's working at. He also doesn't expect to fall even harder for him than he already has, which is a shame, really, since Even's crushing on someone else.

i never sleep (‘cause sleep is the cousin of death) by Evenbechbaesheim Summary: Isak’s just had enough. He can’t fucking sleep. It’s never been this bad, and with the doctors news, he fears it’s about to get a whole whole lot worse.

and now my heart is ready by verlore_poplap ★ Summary: Isak's only eighteen, Even proposes a lot, everybody cries and - surprisingly - no one makes a joke about Isak being a teenage bride.

scream for air to breathe by highpraises Summary: “Can I fuck you?” Even asks, fingers mapping out the soft skin Isak bares to him, squeezing and kneading as he licks a stripe up his neck. “What else do you think I’m here for?” His voice is quiet and Even grins at him before pushing him back onto his bed. Even never dropped out of Bakka and meets 16-year-old Isak at a party.

the best place to begin by milominderbinder Summary: It's funny how fast you develop habits when you live with someone.

Where There's Tea, There's Hope by colazitron Summary: Isak knows how to boil water, he promises. He understands the basic concepts of physics, okay?

and i'm so proud (of being loved by you). by milominderbinder Summary: Isak's eighteenth birthday is only three days before Oslo's pride parade. To Eskild, Even, and the rest of his ridiculous friends, this apparently makes it the perfect opportunity to combine celebrations.

almost like calling it love by piginawig Summary: fake dating!au; “I have to go to the party,” he stated. “I have to show him that I’m okay, I’m pre-med with perfect grades and yeah, maybe I’m single, but-“ “What if you weren’t single?” Even said suddenly, biting his lip.Isak choked. “Um, what?” “Like, what if you took a boyfriend to the party?” “I don’t have a boyfriend, Even,” he said, frowning. Even didn’t look deterred. “What?” “I could be your boyfriend.” Isak choked again. “Like, pretend,” Even clarified, and Isak felt slightly sick.

I'd follow you anywhere by reasoniwantyoutostay Summary: Even bounded up the 4 flights of stairs to their apartment. As he reached for his key to unlock the door he paused. Was that music coming from their apartment? He leaned his ear against the door and then pulled back with a confused look. Maybe Isak was watching TV? But why would he be watching that?

(Drunk) In Love by verlore_poplap Summary: Isak falls in love at first sight. Too bad he's drunk off his ass when it happens.

The Dials of Life by wordsarelifealways Summary: Isak has lived with Asperger's his whole life, and without a doubt his least favourite part is the hypersensitive times.

Who, With Pancakes, Is Poor? by colazitron Summary: When Isak wakes up, it's to a warm, sunny day, and his boyfriend making pancakes. What could be better than that?

take it in your heart now, lover by cuddlesevak Summary: Isak's date doesn't show up so he calls a cab, and the cute taxi dirver takes him to a lot of places in just one night.

the adventures of stanley the matchmaking parrot by hippopotamus ★ Summary: In which Even and Isak are ridiculously obvious, and Jonas’ wingman skills are second only to a parrot’s.

if you know you're in love and he feel like the one by highpraises Summary: “Are we going to your place?” Isak asks, when they’ve been driving for just a couple of minutes. “Nah, my parents are home,” He says softly, running his thumb over the ridges of Isak’s knuckles. Isak’s brow furrows and he chews his lip to the side, humming lowly. “So… the car? We’ll park somewhere?” Isak asks, smiling shyly.

home is wherever i'm with you. by milominderbinder Summary: Everyone seems to assume it's Even who asks first. Even is the romantic, after all; he's the one who does impulsive things, and he's the one who talks about the future like it's inevitable. It only makes sense that he'd be the one to first think up such a seemingly ill-advised idea. But actually, it's Isak who turns around one night when they're cuddling in Even’s bunk bed, Even’s hand twined in Isak’s curls and guitar music playing in the background, and asks, “Do you want move in together?”

La Ritournelle by Tristeza ★ Summary: Isak and Even are exes. A funeral brings them back together.

Forget The World by verlore_poplap ★   Summary: Hence, Isak resigned himself to being the ninth wheel and consoled himself with the knowledge that Even was always good for some solid kush and he'd just light up for four days straight. The more he thought about it, the better it sounded in Isak's head. Yeah. This weekend was going to be fucking awesome.

slid the panties right to the side, ain't got the time to take draws off by highpraises Summary: A self indulgent (sexual) day in the life of Isak and Even.

Beat that Record by Dutten Summary: Fuck Jonas. All of this is his fault. Fucking Jonas. Or, the one where Jonas tells the squad about making a girl come untouched more than once and Even gets ideas.

keys to the universe by idontshaveforsher_yesyoudo Summary: "The day the pride parade takes place is beautiful.” Or, Isak and Even at pride. There's glitter, pan pride and dancing and everyone is happy.

you can keep me up (keep me up all night). by milominderbinder Summary: neighbors!au; Isak Valtersen has a nemesis, and it's whoever lives above his room at the kollektiv. Every night, all he can hear is loud, endless mystery noises. Has his neighbour taken up carpentry? Trampolining? Raising cats? Whatever it is, Isak is both pissed off and sleep deprived, and it's not a good combination.Unfortunately, most of that anger goes away the moment he meets Even Bech Næsheim. He might be a bit too cute to count as a nemesis.

i fill the tub up halfway then ride it with my surfboard by highpraises ★ Summary: Isak turns his head, and looks directly into Even’s eyes for the first time since he sank into the tub. “You’ll take care of me,” Isak says stupidly. “Yes,” Even agrees immediately. He leans forward and kisses Isak on the mouth, and then adds, “Endlessly.” “Take care of me,” Isak whispers, lids heavy and breaths coming out quicker already.

you're the one i wanna grey with by cosetties ★ Summary: They've only been dating a month, so Isak shouldn't be pathetic enough to miss Even this much when he's only gone for a weekend. They're taking this completely chill, but Isak is starting to realize that he has no chill when it comes to Even.

hey good looking, what you got cooking. by milominderbinder Summary: “The first rule of cooking,” Even says, looking Isak very seriously in the eyes and handing him a spatula, “Is to always be prepared for anything.” Isak blinks. He accepts the spatula, but considering they aren't even stood in the kitchen yet, he's not particularly sure what he's supposed to do with it. “I feel like that's not the first rule of cooking. Isn't the first rule of cooking probably something to do with not giving people food poisoning or chopping your finger off with a meat knife or something?”

would you do me the honors? by cammm Summary: Even loves Isak. So much that he's going to ask him to marry him. He gets some of their friends involved to help him make this happen. He wants everything to be perfect. Isak gets a text from Even telling him to come meet him in the bathroom they met at Nissen. Confused, Isak goes. Only, Even isn't there. Jonas is. Which leads him here and there collecting roses and notes at locations that hold memories. Many of the big pivotal moments for Isak and Even are revisited, leading up to an Evak proposal.

Call me when you've broken up with your girlfriend. by kingkylo Summary: What if Even had never showed up to Isak's place the night of that pre-game? What if Isak learned to move on, and three years later, gets a message from an unknown number. And that number just so happens to be Even.

Home by unsungyellowraincoat Summary: Eskild visits Isak and Even's home for the first time.

another breath and i'm up another level. by milominderbinder Summary: They pass the joint back and forth for a little while, mostly quiet, until they've both had enough to start feeling a little buzzed. It's a cool summer evening, not cold but with a gentle breeze washing over them through the open doors, and they have nowhere to be. Nothing is urgent, and right in that moment, they can both just completely chill. Then Even looks up and says, “Wanna shotgun?” Isak’s mouth goes dry.

Hugs Heal All by smilexdarling Summary: Isak and Even have an argument, so obviously they hug it out the next day like the soft boyfriends they are.

Hold On Tight, It's a Roller Coaster Ride We're On by sugarbeat24 ★ Summary: Isak finds himself in line for a roller coaster because of a bet. He meets Even, who is determined to help him concur his fears and help him win that bet! “And what was the bet exactly?” “That I wouldn’t be able to ride the Top Thrill Dragster without chickening out or throwing up,” Isak grimaced.

city of stars, are you shining just for me? by cuddlesevak Summary: Isak and Even have sex for the first time and it's an emotional rollercoaster for both of them. One that ends up being the best thing that's ever happened.

i put my make up on, it's friday night and i won't be long by lovedisak Summary: The first time Isak tries make up is when he's dating Sara. Or, Isak's journey wearing make up.

A cloud of smoke by ForEvenAndEver (yuraxchan) Summary: “I've made a list of pros and cons of why you should stop smoking, babe.” Isak grabs a paper folded in four conveniently left on the table the night before, clears his throat and looks at Even to make sure he's listening. He is, of course. Although, he looks adorably confused this early in the morning. Isak stares at him for longer than necessary, admiring the view of Even with puffy eyes and his hair in disarray, still rumpled from sleep. Or, Isak tries to make Even stop smoking by using his charms as a distraction.

tell me who the fuck you wanna be by thekardemomme Summary: In Isak's very, very short life, he's only kissed four people. He hasn't stopped kissing Even.

love must be made, and made new (all the time). by milominderbinder Summary: After moving in to their new apartment together, Isak and Even go grocery shopping for the first time. Featuring: illegible shopping lists, Even's weird food obsessions, and a conversation about what, exactly, it takes to make a home.

Spaces Between Us by allyasavedtheday ★ Summary: Isak cuddles into him, nosing at Even’s cheek and leaning their temples together. “I think they miss you.” “Really?” he whispers, hardly daring to hope.Isak nods against him. “They asked if you’d want to see them again.” “What did you say?” “I said it’s up to you.” * A fix-it fic for Even's storyline in season 4.

boy, you make me make bad decisions by hippopotamus Summary: uni!au; In which Isak is way too drunk, way too dramatic, and his ex is making out with someone else.

The Way To A Boy's Heart by GayaIsANerd Summary: “Stop that, you’re messing up your hair, and we both know how much work that takes!” Isak took his hand and hugged Even from behind. “It’s good! Everyone loves your pasta. You don’t have to impress anyone, it’s just Sana and Yousef. It will be okay.” “Promise?” “Promise!”

Boys of Summer by XioNin Summary: Even has no idea why he's standing in a room full of pretty, shirtless boys, but he is not complaining. 

i won't deny it, i'm not trying to hide it by highpraises Summary: Even traces his fingers along the choker and Isak digs his nails into his shoulders as Even slips his fingers beneath it, tightening it just enough for Isak to squirm, his laughter dying out. “Even.” “Do you like that?” “Yes,” Isak whispers breathlessly. Or, snapshot fic of Isak and Even's sex life, featuring chokers.

take me over, take me in. by milominderbinder Summary: Eskild is suddenly waving the order ticket in front of his face, and -- oh. Right there, in the little box on the online order form that says ‘Delivery instructions?’ someone has typed out, send the cute delivery boy. This is why Isak hates online orders. Nobody would ever say something like that if they actually had to call up and ask, but a picture of someone putting that special request had gone viral or something, because now it seems like they get some idiot asking for a cute delivery boy basically every week.

chokers and crop tops by cammm Summary: Isak wants to surprise Even with wearing a crop top and a choker in bed, so he turns to the people he knows can help him out: Eva, Noora, and Vilde.

He’s too good for me by JulietteGD Summary: Isak’s reaction to The Video.

somebody in here, it’s your birthday. by milominderbinder Summary: On the morning of Isak’s eighteenth birthday, he wakes up early – to the sound of someone relentlessly calling his name, the smell of waffles, and the sight of a very beautiful boyfriend, already fully dressed and beaming the crinkly-eyed smile Isak loves so much, with an armful of terribly wrapped presents. It turns out, Even has a few surprises in store.

it’s my birthday and i’ll get fucked if i want to by highpraises Summary: "Should we go?“ “We can’t go, it’s your birthday.” “I get to decide, it’s my birthday.”

audience of one by verlore_poplap Summary: The morning after his eighteenth birthday, Isak reflects on his new favorite film, The boy who couldn’t hold his breath under water.

let us cling together as the years go by by sargentblue ★ Summary: It’s been sitting in Even’s front pocket for a while. He could feel the weight of it against his leg throughout the day, and Even feels like it sticks out like a sore thumb, but Isak (or anyone else, for that matter) hasn’t noticed.It’s not surprising, really. Isak is not very observant at the best of times and the only time he really notices if anything is going on in Even’s pants is for very different reasons. Very different indeed. It’s safe to say Even’s a little bit on edge for the duration of the gathering. Asking someone to marry you is no small feat. * (Or: Even proposes on Isak’s birthday.)

meet you under the summer sun. by milominderbinder ★ Summary: Oslo is struck with a heatwave. Even and Isak try a few different ways of keeping cool.

here, on bended knee by thekardemomme Summary: “So.. You've been hiding a ring for an indeterminate amount of time and your secret was exposed from your friend trying to hijack the sex toy he gave you for use on poor freshmen pledges?” “You really have a knack for making situations sound totally ridiculous, but. Yes, that's the gist of what went down.” Or; Jonas tries to find handcuffs in Isak's closet. Instead, he finds something else.

It’s easy come, never go by LostInAdmiration Summary: Being a parent was terrifying. It was exhausting and stressful and Isak hadn’t slept properly in weeks. He barely felt like he could take care of himself, so taking care of such a small thing that totally relied on him was truly nerve-wracking. Isak relayed all of this to Jonas during their weekly meet up. It had become more like monthly, since Jonas lived a few hours away from their home town now, and Isak was always so busy. Still, every time they reunited it was like no time had passed at all. Jonas snorted and rolled his eyes as Isak complained. “He’s a dog, Isak, not a baby.”

21 Roses by germericangirl Summary: Even is thinking of a great gift for Isak's 19th birthday, and what would be better than a marriage proposal?

special collections by kittpurrson Summary: uni!au; The one where Even is a) a virgin, b) a librarian, and c) hopelessly into Isak Valtersen.

Dundyne, sval by colazitron Summary: Since it's summer now, Even suggests they get a summer duvet. A double, of course, because sharing is caring. That means a trip to IKEA. 

Save the Date by tangledupin_blue Summary: The proposal. Isak was silently glad there was no balcony or nudity involved. In fact, he was a little surprised by the simplicity of the proposal, after all the grand gestures Even had made in the last few years for birthdays, anniversaries and reunions.

The Way You Say I Love You by piginawig Summary: All the ways Isak and Even say "I love you". A series of AU drabbles.

The First Rule of Fight Club by HazyCosmicJive Summary: Isak starts working out at a Gym to relieve stress and becomes smitten by one of the regular boxers.

Don't Wanna Walk Alone by cwtalton Summary: "I will, you know," Isak says. "Will what?" Even asks, confused. "Marry you."

CHAPTERED:

Rays of Sunshine and Blood by nenela16 Summary: Even sees an angel in the bus and can't stop thinking about him. The angel makes his soul less dark but he doesn't know if it is enough to save him.

You and Me, We're Crazy by wylielx Summary: mental institution!au; So, he climbed and the realization hit him. A bird was flying over his head and he knew that this would be the only way. He reached the top and smiled as the sun smiled back at him. He spread his arms out and let himself be taken by gravity. His smile faded when another realization hit him. He wasn’t flying. Or, Even checks himself into a mental institution after a fairly bad episode and nothing seems to change until it does.

Drowning in your love by depressed_mermaid_53 Summary: Even is captain of the swim team. Isak and the boy squad join the team. In this universe a pool is a bigger part of their story.

Doctor Patient Confidentiality by skambition ★ ✓ Summary: “Male, maybe late 20s, didn’t carry an ID. Was hit by a car. Broken ribs, lots of internal bleeding, his left hand needs some work, a lot of crushed bones. Punctured lung. His heart frequency shows irregularities, but we’re not sure why. Unconscious. The driver called, he’s in surgery, too.” “Okay, thanks”, Isak said, got his rubber gloves and went into the OR. He was good at fixing people. And he knew it.

Let It Be (All Night) by verlore_poplap ✓ Summary: A collection of (steamy) oneshots in which Isak rides Even, they have honeymoon sex, Even finds Isak's sex toy, there's porn with feelings, dysfunctional dynamics and Even bottoming for the first time. Mostly in that order.

Stars Shine Bright Above Me by bashfulisak ✓ Summary: childhood friends!au; For once in his life, Isak Valtersen knew what it was like to have a best friend. Many, actually. But Even was special to him in a way he didn't quite understand. So many mixed feelings and emotions at once, but Isak being the young boy he was ignored them. When Even has to move a few days before they start middle school together, Isak is crushed and has not the slightest clue how he's going to make it without him by his side. All alone, by himself, the only thing reminding him that Even is out there somewhere is the stars that shine bright above his head and he knows deep down Even is staring at the same sky, but day and night don't matter.

tethered by verlore_poplap Summary: Isak's sixteen years old when he realizes he's in love with his teacher.

take me to the stars by iriswests ★ Summary: HateToLove!au & friends with benefits!au; Isak thinks Even is pretentious and impractical. Even thinks Isak is arrogant and uptight. They’re not each other’s biggest fans, even if they do happen to have spectacular sex on a very, very drunken night. And Isak doesn’t mean to do it again, but he does, anyway, so now they’re establishing ground rules and deciding that maybe they can keep doing this, no strings attached, no commitments, no feelings, and, most importantly, no need to stop disliking each other. And then it’s not quite that simple anymore.

Out of my reach, but always in my eye line by Anonymous Summary: Even can read minds, until the day he can't. He can't tell what's so special about that blond boy. It shouldn't be that big of a deal but Even soon finds himself obsessed.

Never knew how much it meant to you by Rosycheeksandfreckles Summary: “Jeavla drittseck”, I say to the guy who walked into me. Or did I walk into him. Yeah that’s probably what happened. “I’m so sorry. I should’ve looked where I was going”, I say with a smile and the guy smiles back and smirks. “You should be careful with what you say. Maybe you bump into someone who understands you”, he says in Norwegian. And then it hits me. Fuck. Me.

Coffee's For Closers by BeccyTheChopper Summary: coffee shop!au; Isak is struggling to recover from the mess he made over his crush on Jonas, when he meets a cute and flirty barista.

get you wild, make you leave by Evenbechbaesheim ✓ Summary: Not much is different. Just, Isak and Even meet a few years later than planned, and it isn’t at kosegruppa. It’s at a drug addicts anonymous meeting.

These Mountains To Move by verlore_poplap ★ Summary: soulmates!au; Isak's not even sixteen yet and his life's already screwed. Apparently that Hollywood actor guy-- Even Bech Næsheim-- is his soulmate? Excuse him but... what the hell?!

It's Like Here by sasnill ✓ Summary: Late nights, mountains, creative endeavours, an ever-expanding to-watch list and the future: a quiet weekend.

you're everything, everything by isakbechnaesheim Summary: “Wait, how does he have normal classes? He can’t hear.” “Isak, you small baby. Could you get any more ignorant. He has an interpreter! Ya know, sign language?” Magnus then proceeds to make a bunch of ridiculous made up hand signals, including some crude ones. Jonas chokes on his beer laughing. “Okay, whatever. Get out of my house you assholes.”

Let Me In by milk_o_vich ✓ Summary: “What are you doing here?” Isak asked, unable to keep the anger out of his voice. Even’s eyes were wide and a little unfocused, flitting over Isak nervously. He was quiet for a long time, rain hitting the pavement outside, and Isak became kind of aware that Even must be freezing in his thin, damp t-shirt. Even pressed his lips together, then said, voice hoarse and quiet, “Can I stay here tonight?”

I'll Never Let Go by lovelyevak Summary: Titanic!au; Prince Isak Valtersen was boarding the titanic as an engaged man, and well not a happy one for that matter. Even Bech Næsheim was looking for adventure, and better days so he knew gambling away both his and his best friend Jonas's money was the best idea, especially after seeing that beautiful boy get on the ship. They once said the heart is as deep as the ocean, and it was true. They never let go.

Never Have I Ever by Sabeley ★ ✓ Summary: roommates!au & friends with benefits!au; "What's it like to kiss a boy?" "I could show you." Or the one where Isak and Even are roommates who make out on occasion (in a completely platonic way, of course).

All of Your Pieces by lowbutliving Summary: uni!au; Even’s world is turned upside down in a matter of minutes his first day back at uni. What was going to be an easy year turns out to be a lot more complicated, when he suddenly sees a boy who soon is all he can think about. The worst part of it is, he doesn’t even know his name. Or: Even and Isak are low-key stalking each other, but none of them have the courage to take the first step.

Summer Love by Chips2 ★ Summary: Even has just finished University. He decides to spend summer at his parent's holiday house in the Norwegian countryside where he has been coming since childhood. He knows Isak, one of the locals, who has recently graduated from high school and is spending his break helping his dad out at his kayak shop. Or, two boys from different backgrounds, both embarking on new chapters in their lives who find their worlds intertwined during their holidays and on one particularly hot summer break.

will you share your soul with me? by hippopotamus ★ ✓ Summary: There’s a school camping trip at the beginning of Isak’s second year. He’s not sure why he agrees to go, especially when he remembers how difficult it is for him to sleep anywhere that isn’t his own bed. It turns out he’s not the only insomniac on the trip.

I Would Do It Again by cuteandtwisted ★ Summary: dare!au & uni!au; "I dare you to hook up with him." "What? The blonde guy?" "Yes, the blonde guy." Or Even gets caught up in a dare, and Isak loses a little bit of himself in the process.

Library Science by paytontanner Summary: Eskild gets Isak a job at the library. Isak knows Even from the school hallways, but he gets to know him when he starts checking out books at the library. And Even is definitely there just to check out the reading materials. And not to get Isak to fall in love.

stay a minute by grinsekaetzchen ★ ✓ Summary: "The leads of Even Bech Næsheim’s new 'Romeo and Juliet' adaption were announced yesterday, with Eva Kviig Mohn taking to Twitter to confirm, ‘Looking forward to playing Julieeeeet’. Her fellow Romeo was announced shortly after to be Isak Valtersen, which his publicist confirmed today. It seems that this will be Norway’s new star-crossed pair of lovers." In which there is a tumblr fandom that is dying every time new information for said version of 'Romeo and Juliet' drops, Even is a beloved director and Isak - well, Isak would just really appreciate it if his mind would stop surprising him with memories at the worst moments possible.

to the bone by cabret ✓ Summary: It’s going to be a grey day, Even thinks. It’ll be one of those. All ash in the wake and none of the fire from before.

now you're covered in the colours by agonied Summary: The one in which Even sees the world in colours.

safe by cammm Summary: uni!au & neighbors!au; Isak had never even met Even before, but there he was, pretending to be Isak's boyfriend to get him out of an uncomfortable situation. Is this the birth of something... new? Fresh? Magical? 

Things I Yearn to Remember by daigina Summary: Anastasia!au;  In the midst of a revolution, the royal family of Norway is executed. But rumor has it the Crown Prince's body was never found. A decade later, and two poor conmen need tickets out of Norway, where the political climate grows tougher each day, and a whole lof of money. Their answer lies in a poor shop assistant with golden curls a lost look in his eyes.

Gratulerer Med Dagen, My Isak by XioNin ✓ Summary: It’s Isak’s 18th birthday.

Old Money by twentyonetwentyone ★ Summary: Pretty Woman!au; After a series of hardships and childhood trauma, Isak Valtersen is forced into the gruelling world of street prostitution, a nightmare in which he feels completely alone. Even Bech Næsheim is the bored adolescent heir to a billion dollar empire, living in a penthouse and listlessly spending his parents money in attempts to ease the existential despair. When Even pulls up to Isak's corner in the early hours of a dreary Thursday morning, neither of them can expect how similar their respective desires are, despite their vastly different social rankings.

Bassline by riyku Summary: Isak opens up the email from his editor, skims through it for the tenth time, snagging to a stop on phrases like serial piece and North American tour coverage, boots on the ground and big opportunity. His response is quick and vague, that he'll let her know tomorrow morning, although he's known the answer from the jump. (Or, Isak is a Norwegian ex-pat, fresh out of NYU with a journalism internship, who bags an assignment covering a band from his former hometown of Oslo on their first North American tour. It takes him about three seconds to realize he kinda has a thing for the bass player).

–A

[daesungindistress]

(I wrote this a few days ago, the day after the news about TOP’s hospitalization broke, and the morning after the doctor’s briefing. I don’t really know what this is. Just something I felt I needed to get off my chest at the time.)

A few mornings ago I awoke to my second migraine in as many days. It's rare that I have back-to-back migraines, two days in a row, but I've noticed it's been happening more often lately. Three times this year so far.

I rolled out of bed and shuffled outside to the back patio of the condo we’re staying in. Curled up in a chair to take in the amazing view of Flathead Lake, and in the distance, the pale blue silhouettes of the Rocky Mountains. I'm in Montana on vacation for about a week, and this marked Day One of breathtaking scenery that, for someone who loves being out in nature as much as I do, is sure to inspire.

Now if only these darn headaches would stop getting in the way.

(The rest is behind a Read More)

Frustration and disappointment rolled over me. I managed a few sips of coffee; it settled in my stomach like a lead weight, as expected. It's never long before the nausea sets in.

My mother brought me a little blue pill, some prescription painkiller that a friend of hers had offered her the day before to help with my headaches. I'd refused to take it then, always wary of putting new chemicals into my body if I think I can make it without. But we had the day ahead of us, plans to see through. I couldn't let this ruin it.

I took it.

Not ten minutes later I felt the headache lift, clear, vanish into the crisp morning air-- and with it, the heavy ball of nausea in my stomach. The pain was gone. I felt normal again. No splitting headache, no fleeing to the bathroom to throw up, no lying prone in bed waiting out the nausea that lingers for hours. I opened my eyes fully, no longer needing to squint against the morning sunlight to appreciate the majesty of the lake and mountains before me.

I was amazed. Finally, I could think past the pain in my head. So I turned to the pain in my heart.

I thought of TOP, and of Big Bang, and tears filled my eyes.

Minutes later my mother came out to check on me. When I told her my headache was gone she squealed, visibly excited, and it was so sweet it brought a smile to my teary face.

Then, "Oh no, what's wrong? Why are you crying? Is it because you're so relieved?"

"No." I waved her off with a sad laugh. "Just... thinking about TOP."

I had woken in the middle of the night to check my phone, had seen the briefing from his doctors. I knew that his state was still critical, yet stable. He hadn't awoken yet.

"He's gonna be okay," my mother said, pushing on my knees playfully. "Don't think about it too much. I don't want this to mess with the rest of your trip."

It didn't come out quite the way I wanted it to, but I tried to explain to her the reason for the tears. That I was crying not for what was to come, but for what has already been.

For the past year or so these five young men-- Daesung and TOP in particular-- have been my muses, my sources of inspiration, the basis for the characters I write. Of course, they're just fictional interpretations of these real people. I don't truly know them, I understand that. But I guess you could say that, in a way, it feels like I've spent quite a bit of time in their heads. And this means that when anything happens I'm so accustomed to asking, “What were they thinking? How did it make them feel? How did they react? How did it affect them? How did it change them?”

I can’t just turn that off.

I'm concerned about TOP. This is far from over. He has such a long road ahead of him. Maybe he'll finally get the help he's needed for so long. Whatever the case, I'm hurting for him in ways I never thought I would.

But I'm also hurting for the others. I can't help wondering how they're taking this, how they're coping. Have they seen him yet? Probably not, given ICU visitation rights (family only). How did they hear the news? From the media? From YG? From TOP's mother directly? From each other, through their group chat? How did they react when they first heard? Was Daesung at home as he so often is? Did he drop to his knees right then and there and pray? Does he feel like he failed him?

Around this time last year my 30-year-old cousin accidentally overdosed on a synthetic opioid, an experimental drug he never should have even touched. But he'd had a long history of experimenting with such things. He was found by his roommate in his bathroom, unconscious. No breath, no pulse. The paramedics were able to get his heart going again... but it had been far too long. Brain dead, they said. Hours later at the hospital he stopped breathing again. Breathing is a brain stem function, the lowest level of activity the brain should be able to sustain.

His parents took him off life support later that day.

I learned some things then. How quickly it can happen. Just 3 minutes without oxygen and the brain begins to die. Irreversible damage sets in, and then? A few minutes later, brain death. The brain is hypersensitive to oxygen deprivation; it can't survive long without it.

The doctor's report for TOP indicated that he’d been showing signs of respiratory failure upon being admitted. The sedatives in his system had suppressed his breathing as they'd slowly but surely shut him down. His lungs could have failed. His heart could have seized up. And without that much-needed oxygen to the brain, he could have--

But they didn't. His lungs kept functioning. His heart kept pumping. He'd been found in time. Thank God.

I hate that when I saw the news on Tuesday-- TOP in the ICU, unconscious, wearing an oxygen mask-- my first thought was overdose. I wouldn't have shared this with anyone before, not willing to even give voice to the thought, but when the news of his marijuana use exploded into a scandal and a witch hunt I was afraid something like this might happen. Knowing TOP, knowing how vulnerable he is, more now than ever before... his enlistment separating him from the people he needs most, isolating him from friends and family, his sources of stability... I feared he might hurt himself somehow. Intentionally? Unintentionally? Who can say? Of course, everyone is thinking one thing right now because let's face it... it's impossible not to.

Attempted suicide. And damn, that hurts.

Way back in high school my circle of friends included what you might call the goth kids. The tortured artists. Oh sure, many of them were just being angsty teens as you'd expect, but a some did struggle with mental illness. One who I cared for deeply had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. When he was up, he was the brightest person in the room. When he hit his lows... That's a special kind of fear, one I could never forget.

In Weekly Idol TOP revealed that Daesung had once told him: "I'm worried about you. I have to stay with you."

What an understated way of conveying something so huge. I doubt Daesung ever meant for those words to go public. Because I get it, I’ve been there. Behind a statement like that is the fear that someone you love could get so lost in his own head he might hurt himself. Because he wants to. And you can't imagine anything more important than being there with him, like your purpose has been reduced to physically planting yourself between him and harm, any and all.

But... how do you protect a person from himself?

Mental illness often brings with it a crushing sense of powerlessness, not only for the afflicted but for their loved ones too. Sometimes your presence isn't enough, no matter how you want, wish, or pray for it to be. You can't heal everything with the ~power of love~ or through sheer force of will. But you're gonna try anyway because you have to know you did something, you have to reassure yourself with the knowledge that you tried.

It's a tough subject to tackle.

“But you've written attempted suicide into a fic of yours!” you might be thinking. Yeah, I did. Just because it's a sensitive subject doesn't mean I'm not willing to explore it through fiction, to put into words what I've seen in my mind's eye and even felt, even if writing it put me in a funk for days. I still tear up sometimes when I reach that part of the soundtrack I pieced together for Dreams Like Ashes. Yes, I do still listen to it periodically... because for some reason I like to torture myself by revisiting these characters of mine in their darkest time.

But this man who we're watching, worrying over, and sending our sincerest thoughts and words of support, banding together in solidarity... he isn't just a character in some story. TOP... no, Choi Seunghyun is real, and suffering in ways I would never wish on anyone. And this reality hurts so much more than any fictional scenario I could ever dream up.