#anyways idk what's problem with me if i'm still fucked up with this course

[pricegotmedickmatized]

hiiii it's the person who sent you the graves x fem reader request yesterday (idk if you wanna keep track of anons but if so can i be 🦜?) anyway i'm having more Thots about him:

graves bringing his gf(reader) to the shadow company base and having her wander around some empty hallways so he can hunt her down and fuck her (in all his gear ofc. idk what it is about a tac vest but they're fucking sexy). in my head it's a whole cnc/roleplay thing where he's super into it and really leans into his scary military man persona :)

hi pookie!!! i don't have any tracked anons yet but i'd love to start!!! you can definitely be 🦜anon!! (also i hope you liked the first little drabble, this one got...far longer lmao)

you should have known that Phillip was up to something when you walked out of the bedroom that morning to find him still sitting at the kitchen counter with a mug of long cold coffee. the smirk alone hadn’t rung any alarm bells, he was still Phillip, and if he wasn’t smirking he was pouting scowling.

but when you’d asked why he hadn’t already left for work as was his usual habit all he’d said was that he wanted to take you along. show you around.

“Half of it’s yours, honey, don’t you wanna see what your man gets up to during the day?”

which that was a whole other problem, what did he mean by ‘half of it’s yours’ exactly? and with you thus distracted and shocked by his casual notification that oh yeah, he’d already signed over half of everything he owned to you “What the fuck else would I do, babycakes, does that ring on your finger not mean nothing to you?” you didn’t wind up pressing him on why today of all days he decided he wanted to show you around Shadow Company.

it was, of course, an extremely impressive operation. not that you really knew much about military private contractors, or what Phillip and the Shadows did while off on assignment, sometimes for months on end, but you figured you got the big picture idea around the time he was proudly showing off an armory that would make several countries green with envy.

and now he was laying out his usual kit for you, piece by piece, your eyes growing wider and wider as he just kept adding things until you interrupted his lecture on why he preferred a specific kind of knife in this specific holster to blurt out-

“There’s no possible way you can carry all that around all the time.”

he blinked, smirk curling up the corners of his mouth. “That so, sugar?” chuckling, he leaned in, teasing, “Should I be hurt you think so little of how much I can lift, honey?”

“No, I mean,” you huffed, waving a hand at the veritable ton of equipment now neatly arranged on like three different stainless steel tables. “I just mean that…Phillip there’s so much of this stuff, if you tried to carry all of it all the time you wouldn’t be able to move around, and even if you could, it wouldn’t be quick!”

Phillip laughed, denim blue eyes dancing. “You’d be surprised, pretty baby. Wanna see?”

raising a brow, you crossed your arms over your chest. “Only if you’re prepared for me to laugh at you when you get it all on and you look ridiculous and run a four hour mile. No, I’m calling your bluff, you’re just trying to impress me in some weird, macho military man way.”

in a second Phillip had your chin gripped in his hand, pulling your head up to seal your mouths together with a kiss that stole your breath, and several brain cells. when you were a panting, horny mess (god, he knew what it did to you when he groaned into your mouth how good you tasted he did that shit on purpose) he pulled back, smirking wide with his pupils blown, hair mussed from your hands still tangled in it.

“Babycakes,” he crooned, “now that’s a mean fucking lie. You know I ain’t gotta do a damn thing to impress you by now, honey. But if you wanted to see me all kitted up, shit. Happy to arrange it for you, sugar.”

you couldn’t even scrape together the wherewithal to protest or defend yourself, the inside of your head all cotton stuffed and hot from his kiss and wandering hands. he chuckled as he picked you up by the waist and set you down on one of the long metal tables with a warm but firm, “Keep it parked there, sugar, eyes on me, you know how I like it.”

and so you did, trying not to squirm as you watched him pull on sheaths and holsters heavy with weaponry, wrap something that looked suspiciously like a collar around his neck, then came the vest, the gloves, the beige balaclava, the helmet-

why was it so fucking hot watching him get dressed? wasn't it supposed to be the other way around?

but he looked so...dangerous.

in your head you knew that he was dangerous. you knew what he did for a living, and that he was good enough at it that he could afford to, if he wanted, literally buy and sell Dallas itself.

you'd just never really dedicated a whole lot of thought to this side of him before. at least not in front of Phillip, where he could see you quivering in your seat chewing on your lower lip, thighs clenched together as your pussy got hot looking at your fiancé wearing all of his tactical gear.

he wasn't just your fiancé right then, and that was what was really fogging up your head. he was a soldier, the soldier, the best of the best, faceless, unfeeling, unmovable object and unstoppable force.

in the back of your head, an idea prickled.

sometimes he went on missions to try and find people.

what if you were one of them?

what if you had to try and outrun the Apollonian god before you?

by the time the last strap was buckled tight, you were sure you'd soaked through your panties.

trying to ignore it, you hoped he couldn't hear the threadiness in your voice as you teased, "Well you got it all on, but that doesn't mean that you can move around all that fast."

his head tilted to the side, and the fabric covering his face shifted. he'd be smirking beneath it, you knew him well enough to know that instantly. and then he chuckled. low and...vicious.

that was when your stomach flipped, some gut deep instinctive reaction born out of evolutionary necessity. and you got the first inkling that maybe, just maybe you’d walked into a trap.

"Wanna bet?" his voice was muffled a little, but you didn't have any trouble hearing him. all you could hear was him as he took slow, measured steps forward until he was caging you in against the table, blotting out all light, all sound, everything else in the world but him. "How about we play a game, sugar?"

it took a few tries, but eventually you were able to unstick your tongue from the roof of your mouth to mutter weakly, "A game?"

"Mmhm." one rough gloved hand came up and took your chin, the scratch of the material making you shiver. "I'll give you a sixty second head start. And then I'll come after you. F'you get out of the building 'fore I catch you, I'll make dinner for a month."

oh god. oh god oh god oh god, he really had seen what you were thinking hadn't he?

the words came out of your mouth unbidden. "What if you...what if you catch me?"

his thumb rubbed over your mouth, pressing against the swell of your lips, mindless of disturbing your lip gloss that got smeared over the black fabric.

when he chuckled again, the sound went right to your clenching, empty pussy. "F'I catch you, I get to do anything I want. Wherever we are. Even if you try and pretend like you don't want it."

a moan slithered out between your parted lips before you could catch it.

Phillip dropped your chin, stepping back and neatly avoiding your hands reflexively coming up to try and keep him close. "Time starts now, honey."

the beige balaclava stretched, his denim eyes burning through your body above it. "Run."

you did.

in the moment it was like some wild animal had taken over your brain. no thought. no plan. no instinct. just something driving you deeper and deeper into the darkly shadowed labyrinthian halls, something that you couldn't even begin to pretend was just plain fear.

sure, there was some fear.

that was normal. healthy. that was a billion years as predator/prey in your bloodline pushing you to run further, faster, harder away from your pursuer.

but the pulse in your pussy? the hot clench of your stomach every time you froze when you heard the tiniest sound before you scrambled through another door you didn't recognize? the way you could feel your nipples tight and needy against your thin shirt Phillip had picked out for you just a few hours ago?

that wasn't fear.

not even close.

god, had he planned this?

of course he had, he must've. but how had he known?

you turned another corner, panting hard, staring at a long line of lockers, most decorated or obviously in use. your heart was racing, drowning out anything you might have heard beyond your own heavy breathing.

and that was when you saw it.

the door just to the left and all the way at the back of the room, opened ever so slightly. a tinge of sunlight falling through onto the dark floor.

you dove for it, but a thick muscled arm wrapped tight around your waist, hauling you backwards into a wide, familiar chest.

and even though you kicked your feet in the air and back at those sturdy legs, and scratched at the thick fabric covering that burly arm, it didn't do a single bit of good.

against your back you could feel the hard threatening lumps of the weapons and various equipment Phillip had strapped on. his other gloved hand raised, curling around the front of your neck, and you froze instantly, brain going blank.

"Caught you," he purred.

even just the sound of his voice like this was different somehow, and not just because of the balaclava. you'd never heard him sound like this, raw and vicious and arrogant. a predator who'd caught his prey.

the arm around your waist shifted, and his gloved hand moved to start playing with your breasts, rougher than normal, like he wasn't taking care to control himself for once.

"And what a pretty little thing I've caught." he sounded so proud, as his fingers found your nipple through your shirt and pinched, hard enough your hips bucked and you whined, way louder than you should have.

he only laughed, low and mean. "Look at these pretty things, could cut right through that flimsy fucking shirt, babycakes, couldn't they? Aw, sugar, don't tell me. Don't tell me you liked being hunted."

you heard it then, the slight waver in his voice. felt the shift in his stance as he continued to hold you aloft against his body. you couldn't feel the press of his hips, not with him wearing his vest and weapons, but you knew, you knew he was hard.

"P-Phillip-"

the hand around your throat tightened. not cutting off air, not yet, just threatening to. "Nah, honey. Don't even think about fucking lying to me."

with a few long strides he turned you to face the nearest blank wall, pinning you against it, barely able to brace yourself on your tippy toes as he reached down and shoved your skirt to the floor.

his groan drowned out your strangled sound of surprise. "Fuck, can see you liked it. Fucking soaked these panties, sugar, feel that?"

another whine snuck out of you when rough, blunt pressure rubbed at your cunt, the sensation lighting sparks up your spine, blinding you for a moment.

"I got a confession, honey." Phillip hooked a finger in your panties and ripped them right off. "I fucking liked it too."

he was still wearing the kit. still wearing the helmet, the balaclava, the gloves. you were completely and utterly at his mercy, dripping wet around his digits as he unceremoniously shoved two knuckle deep inside of you uncaring of the rough drag of the unfamiliar fabric against your ultra sensitive walls, and all you could do was stay there and fucking take it, squirming and moaning until you were dizzy with it.

you shouldn't be as close to coming as you were. he'd barely touched you, and what he had given you had been mean and cruel, but it just made your cunt drip and your thighs shake.

"Fuck," Phillip grunted in a tone you only recognized from when he'd already gone two rounds with you in a night just to find that it still wasn't enough. you'd never heard him sound this base and primal outside of nights like those. "Fuck."

he leaned forward as his hands disappeared, fumbling behind you, his masked mouth pressed against your ear, his body weight keeping you in place.

in the back of your head, you remembered his terms. once he caught you, he got to do whatever he wanted with you.

you could feel the heat of his breath as he bit out, "Gonna feel that fucking pussy on my cock right fucking now. And I don't wanna hear you whining that it hurts or you can't take it. Be a good girl, sugar and just - just fuck - fucking - god!"

Phillip usually liked to tease you. liked to fuck your folds, rubbing the head of his cock against your clit or only fucking you with the head of his cock and asking you sweetly why you weren't satisfied, why you were begging for more, wasn't he being a gentleman by not fucking you with the whole thing? why couldn't you be grateful and just take what he gave you? and only after you broke down into near hysterical teasing would he give in and finally sink deep.

but not tonight.

tonight he rammed balls deep in one thrust and set a deep, brutal pace that had your eyes rolling back, your hands clawing at the paint on the wall like it could help your fluttering, spasming walls around his cock as you struggled to take him, could help that deep point inside of you where he was ramming his cockhead against your womb.

like it could help the rising tidal wave of pleasure threating to hit you and knock you to the ground at any moment as he fucked you in the open for his own pleasure, like you were nothing more than a toy for him to get off with.

patience was out the window and he was proving a point that you didn't even know was in question.

"You belong to me," he growled, not even sounding that out of breath as he just kept pounding, easily catching your hips and holding you up when your knees gave out as you came untouched and unasked for on his cock. "Every inch of your body, and especially this perfect fucking pussy, it belongs to me, and I can do whatever I want with what's mine."

your head bobbed mindlessly, back arching sweetly as you tried to take his cock, every thrust jolting you head to toe. tears stung your eyes, started sliding down your cheeks as you shouted when he shifted the angle almost imperceptibly and started nailing your g-spot on every thrust.

"Say it," he snapped. "fucking say you belong to me, angel."

"I - I be-belong to y-you!"

"That's fucking right." his voice was like a snarl, uncaring of your squeal and your writhing as his hips picked up speed. "Think I don't know how fast you can run? Think I don't know how that pretty head works? Can't fucking fool me, babycakes, you wanted this almost as much as I did. My perfect fucking slut, god, so goddamn greedy for my fucking cock, take it so fucking good, c'mon baby, c'mon baby, c'mon baby fucking cum for me, one more time cum right on my cock or you won't cum this whole fucking week I swear to god-"

you screamed as another wave hit you, your body bucking against Phillip like you could push him off, secure in the knowledge you never could, that he'd keep you pinned against the wall with those hands bruising your waist as every muscle in your body contracted.

you could feel every inch of him inside you. every ridge, every vein, every pulse of his cock as he fucked you sloppy and deep.

and you could hear him, muttering hotly against your ear, "Atta girl, atta fucking girl, darlin', god, that's it, that's it, just stay tight for me feels so goddamn good, let me fill up that pretty pussy, hm? Want me to fill you up with my cum?"

speech was totally beyond you now, black spots blinking in and out of your field of vision, and all you could do was nod and whimper pathetically, weakly trying to tilt your hips back to give him the perfect angle.

"Fuck, yes, good girl, my good fucking girl ain'tcha darlin', just take it, be good and fucking - fuck, fuck!"

he slammed in one last time, all the way, deep enough it did more than just stretch you, it felt like he was about to break you, like one wrong move and you'd be feeling his cock in your throat and not just your stomach.

searing heat filled you as he pumped you full of his cum. your legs shook, the only thing holding you up was his hands, his cock, and the wall.

heat burned over your face and chest as you felt some of that cum start to drip out, coating your inner thighs, sliding down your leg.

all you could manage was a thin, reedy whine.

"Shh," Phillip soothed, hoarse and breathless. he shuffled closer, leaning against you and the wall a little more. with him that close you could feel the barest hint of a tremor in his own thighs pressed against your own. "Fuck, sugar. Gimme a second. Still fucking cumming."

and he was. you could feel every pulse, every twitch of his cock inside of you like this, could hear every mutter and moan he made as he rode it out.

when it was over he let out a long, relieved sigh, like an itch that had finally been discovered and scratched to satisfaction.

"Good girl." his hands gentled, arms sliding around your waist and mouth pressed against your neck, humming like a lazy cat in the sun as he carried you over to a long bench and sat down, keeping you in his lap, his softening cock still inside you.

you whimpered, jolting, but his gloved hands rubbed over your thighs, your belly, up between the valley of your breasts to cup your throat.

"Shh, s'alright, babycakes," he crooned. "Jus' need a little breather. Jus' wanna feel you a little longer."

one of his hands left you briefly, and you heard his helmet fall to the floor. and then his mouth was on your neck, smothering every bit of skin he could get in kisses.

the two of you moaned when an after shock of pleasure made you clench down on him again.

Phillip's hand turned your face to his so he could kiss your slack mouth. "Gonna be the fucking death of me, honey."

pouting, you forced out a disagreeable sound.

he just laughed, smoothing his hand over your stomach, squeezing the inside of your sore thigh. "The ideas you come up with? Having me hunt you in my own company building? God, that was so fucking hot."

for the moment, you refrained from reminding him that it had been all his idea. you were too fucked out and sleepy to bother with it for the moment.

Phillip's hands were checking on you, massaging muscle, testing sore spots, gently soothing abused skin and muscle as you climbed down from your high.

"Better be careful," he cautioned, smirking against your throat. "Or I'm gonna want to do this all the time. Gonna want to put you on those pretty knees in a conference room here, bend you over my desk and fuck that tight, pretty little asshole of yours."

you just moaned in response, which of course made him laugh.

asshole.

he'd definitely been planning this all along.

but he was your asshole.

and you'd get your revenge, one way or the other.

[valiantlyjollynightmare]

Throwing this into the wild because everything feels like too much right not and i've been rotting in bed for a month straight

[therealplaguedoctor]

Incantato?

Kimi antonelli x fem!reader

Summary/prolong (idek anymore)- Where kimi was so star struck that he could only talk in Italian...you know Italian.

Warnings/content- fem reader, 2nd person (you/your), tried to not use y/n used maybe once or twice, lmk if I missed anything

Non serious warnings: the time line might be a little fucked but uhhh idc, reader isn't described as any nationality but is hinted at being American (not explicitly mentioned), author is a dumbass and pretends she knows shit(she doesnt), American spelling, I never spell check, Idk what a kilometer is,

A/n- sooo I've been wanting to write a kimi A. fic FOREVERRRR as hes definitely one of if not my favorite driver, so ye! Also thanks again to anon for giving me the fic name and giving me the context it is used in I'm also apologizing for my Google translated Italian.... and another side note Ik I didn't use 'incantato' in it's technically correct context it still wanted to do my original dialog so oops?

──⭒─⭑─⭒────⭒─⭑─⭒──

You've known ollie for a long time. So long in fact you can't even remember when. You've two whenever you've been together had been inseparable which made it all the harder when you couldn't see eachother due to his Karting but alas your friend ship survived and you two, not having talked in person for a very long time, are still really good friends.

"Please come on we haven't seen eachother in forever it would be nice to hang out!" Ollie partially begged on the phone. He was trying to get you to come to the Great Britain Grand Prix more commonly referred to as Silverstone.

"I don't know Ollie..." You said I mean with travel expenses you really didn't want to..

"Pleaseeeee? I'll cover all the travel" he said trying his hardest to get you to agree

Welp there goes your only excuse "fine.." you said giving in

"Thank you you're the best" you could hear the smile in his voice as he talked. The conversation continued touching random topics before you declared it to late and said your good byes.

──⭒─⭑─⭒────⭒─⭑─⭒──

You finally touched down in the UK. You grabbed your bags and made your way to the exit. Ollie while wanting to pick you up from the airport was pulled into a meeting to go over his times so he was super apologetic. You of course told him it was fine and that you can just get an Uber to your hotel. That of course is what you did.

Arriving at your hotel you checked in and threw all your stuffs in your room. Jet lagged from the flight you decide just to take a shower and head to bed as it was late anyways due to flight delays.

You peeled the airport clothes off of you throwing them on the bathroom floor before stepping into the warm water falling from the shower head. The hotel actually had decent water pressure.

Stepping out of the shower you wrapped yourself in the towel smoothly applying your hair products. You pat your hair dry opting to let it air dry the rest of the way. You quickly got dressed in some comfortable pj's. Sitting in the hotel chair as you grabbed your phone to text Ollie,

You: just letting you know I'm in the hotel and gonna head to bed

Ollie: okay

Ollie: ill pick you up tomorrow

Ollie: sorry again about not bing able to pick you up :(((

You: Ollie it's fine!!!

You: you were busy it's okay!!!

Ollie: okay

Ollie: I still feel bad :((

You: don't.

You: problem solved

Ollie: :D

You: good night Ollie

Ollie: night!

──⭒─⭑─⭒────⭒─⭑─⭒──

Your alarm blared again in your ear. Annoyed you shut it off glancing at the time. Begrudgingly you got up and slowly got dressed and got ready looking in the mirror you fixed your hair. As you finished your phone rang, picking it up you looked at the caller ID: Ollie, you answered

"Hey what's up?" You asked

"Hey goodmorning" he said "I'm pulling up to your hotel now if your ready?"

You grabbed your bag and stuffed your wallet in it "yeah I'm ready I'm heading down now" you said "just got finished"

"Alright see you soon" he said happily as he hung up.

You shut the door to your hotel room behind you it clicking shut and checked to make sure it's locked. Satisfied you went over and took the hotel down.

Exiting the elevator you immediately spotted the tall brit.

"Ollie!" You called

He looked your direction looking for the voice. Almost instantly spotting you a smile spread crossed his face. "Ahh there you are" he said.

"Hey ollie" you smiled walking up to him

"Hey" he said "let's go before we get swarmed" he said with his poor disguise: sunglasses

"You mean you get swarmed" you said as you made your way to the exit "Mr hot shot formula one driver" you joked

He chuckled "well how does it feel to be the best friend of the hotshot f1 driver" He asked pretending to be an interviewer.

You smiled letting out a small laugh as he opened the door to the car

"Ever so the gentleman Mr bear" you smiled

"If my mom found out I didn't behave like this she would kill me" Ollie joked before he got in the car shutting the door and starting it up "I swear youre her favorite child" he joked

──⭒─⭑─⭒────⭒─⭑─⭒──

Arriving at the paddock you both got out of the car smoothing out our clothes after shutting the door Ollie handed you a pass.

"There you are" he smiled "it's a ferrari pass cause you know me being reserve and all" he said "I wish you would come to one of my prema races though" he pouted

"Firstly: thanks" you said "and secondly you know my classes over lap with your races plus I wouldn't be able to properly hang out with you if it was an actual race weekend"

"Okay good point" he smiled as you both made your way to the entrance, "oh I know you know but there gonna be a bunch of cameras just ignore them and there'll be a bunch of fans so I'm gonna stop and sign some things"

You nodded as he scanned his pass letting him inside you quickly did the same.

Ollie quickly went to the side taking some pictures with fans and signing some items you stood off to the side waiting for him to finish as he waved good bye to the fans he walked towards the wall of camerasbefore following the path and flow of people, you were quick to follow him.

"Hey man slow down I'm not as tall as you" you complained

"Sorry mate" he chuckled "i just want to introduce you to my friend he's probably in the Mercedes hospitality..." Ollie trailed off as he looked around. As he looked around he took off in a direction. At his sudden take off you followed him quickly weaving through the people.

Finally you caught up to him, he was talking to another guy, a cute guy, dressed in Mercedes gear with curly Brown hair.

"Ah there you are" Ollie smiled wrapping his arm around your shoulder. "Kimi this is my friend, y/n I've told you about her" Ollie smiled looking over at Kimi.

He stood there almost speechless for a moment before shaking his you could only assume to organize his thoughts, he then turned partially to ollie talking in a hushed tone that you could still hear "Ollie, non mi avevi detto che era bellissima, (Ollie you didn't tell me she was beautiful)"

Ollie chuckled, he picked up on a bit of Italian he wasn't to keen on speaking but he knew what was being said, "dude chill she's like a sister"

"Lo so, lo so, ma sono solo...(I know I know but I'm just...)" he trailed off as he looked up at you, you wouldn't describe it as staring more like enamored

"..incantato? (..enchanted?)" You asked as you watched kimi's face heat up he became so red in just a few seconds

"Io uhhh- umm scusa- cioè dovrei scusarmi- Uhh non voglio sembrare inquietante- (I uhhh- umm sorry- I mean i should apologize- Uhh I don't want to come off as creepy-)" Kimi stumbled over word after word trying to apologize to you.

You just smiled "non preoccuparti, penso che sia stato carino, proprio come te (don't worry I think it was cute, just like you)"

Smooth real smooth.

His face became somehow every more red. Ollie spoke up "I feel like I'm interrupting something..." he said looking between you two

"No don't worry Ollie not interrupting anything" you smiled "right Kimi?" You asked the Italian who is still trying to gather his thoughts

"Oh sí, non interrompo nulla...(oh yeah, not interrupting anything...)" kimi said

──⭒─⭑─⭒────⭒─⭑─⭒──

You were just sitting in a semi secluded area in the paddock. Ollie had disappeared long ago probably chatting with kimi. Or that's what you thought before the Italian appeared in front of you.

"Hey um Y/n" he said shyly avoiding eye contact at seemingly all costs.

"What's up kimi?" You asked

"I just wanted to apologize for earlier, I didn't know you knew Italian and that's not an excuse I just shouldn't have said that and-" kimi started rambling

"Kimi" you said snapping him out of his own thoughts

He finally looked at you "yeah..?" He asked

"Have a seat" you said motioning to the seat across from you. He obliged sitting down quietly.

"I wanna say again-" kimi started again

"Kimi" you cut him off "it's fine" you smiled "I never said I was uncomfortable with it in fact I said that it was cute" his face started to heat up again

"I uhh umm" he cleared his throat embarrassed and blushing

"So wanna go for a date?" You asked nonchalantly

Kimi nearly falls out of his chair "I uh what!?" He asked

"Oh sorry did I read the room wrong-" you started

"No no, no!" He said quickly trying to recompose himself "I meant, yes i would love to go on a date with you" he smiled

"Great give me your phone" you said, he quickly handed it over you punched in your number creating the contact and handing it back to him.

"Okay there you are" you smiled as you got up "well it was great meeting you kimi but I do have to go give me a call or text me so we can schedule our date" you smiled before leaving.

Kimi was kinda stunned, frozen he didn't know what to do or say. Before he heard a familiar voice behind him:

"Oh she's gonna eat you alive" Ollie teased

Kimi almost jumped out of his skin "FUC- wha- how long have you been standing there?!" He asked

"Long enough." Ollie chuckled "yeah you probably won't last the date with her" he joked making kimi huff in annoyance, Ollie just smiled before resting a hand on kimis shoulder leaning to his ear "but if you hurt her I will not hesitate to shunt you into the wall next race."

"Noted...." kimi nodded

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A/N- So I have an idea for a part 2 (I've already started writing it) but idk if I'll finish it or post it but if you want to see it lmk!! But this fic has been in the works for a while and it kinda skipped ahead of 3 other fics which one of them is for a driver I've probably have writen too much for (Logan sargeant) but are we surprised? No the answer is no. But yeah so potential part 2 coming but it'll be more funny also side note i don't like this rn I might want to redo it later or I'll read it later and be like oh this was actually good or smthing idk anyways have a good day :)

──⭒─⭑─⭒────⭒─⭑─⭒──

[st7rnioioss]

✧˚ · . the kitchen counter

matt sturniolo x fem!reader

warning: smut, swearing.

word count: 1.9k

inspired by sturnsfilmed's tiktok story because she gives me LIFE. btw sorry if theres any spelling errors or mistakes, english isn't my first language💔

idk, let me know if i should give up.

You and Matt had been dating for around a year and a half. You often spent time at the triplet's house, as you all were so close at this point that it didn't matter if you stayed for weeks.

"Alright, I'm going to sleep!" you yelled from upstairs. Nick, Matt, and Chris were sitting down in the living room watching a movie, but since it was already 2 am, you decided to go to sleep. You already had some problems with falling asleep, so it wouldn't make sense to stay up any longer.

You got a message from Matt.

"Without me?"

You let out a quiet laugh, rolling your eyes at your screen, your back resting against the headboard.

"You're such a tease"

As you laid in bed, scrolling through TikTok at 3 am, you suddenly got thirsty. You rolled onto your back, staring at the ceiling for a bit, before getting up and sneaking down to the kitchen. It was extremely dark since it was winter, so almost no moonlight lit up the hallway or kitchen.

The stairs creaked silently, but you managed to get down without making any major noise.

"What the fuck-" you said quietly, as you bumped into something. Or, someone? It felt weird, almost like you walked into something bare. You reached for the light switch, only to find Matt, smirking, in front of you with a glass, now emptied, in front of you. You looked at him, in his plaid pants and no shirt, which was funny because it was so cold at night. He smiled awkwardly at you.

"Aren't you cold?" you whispered to him, a smile playing on your lips.

"Well, a little," he whispered back, fixing his hair. You both looked down, the floor completely wet from the spilled water.

"Sorry," you snickered, going to find paper towels. He turned to follow you, also grabbing a few pieces.

✧˚ · .

"Holy fuck, how big is that glass?" you asked frustrated, both of you sitting on the floor, wiping the mess up. You looked up, only to find Matt already looking at you.

"What are you doing up anyway?" Matt asked, stopping cleaning up the mess. You put the paper towels back onto the floor, folding your legs.

"Well, I couldn't sleep, plus, I got thirsty," you said, looking down at your hands. "What about you?"

"Almost the same thing. I got thirsty, but someone interrupted me," he laughed and you joined him. He looked at you for a bit, before cutting the laugh off.

"Hey, can I be honest with you," he said quietly, looking at your lips. You looked up at him, meeting his gaze. Of course, you were a bit confused by what he meant by this.

"Yeah sure," you said, smiling and grabbing his hand reassuringly.

"I really want to kiss you," he said, letting go of your hand to cup your face with both his hands. He pulled you in, kissing your lips softly. You held both his elbows, leaning closer to him.

The kiss quickly got heated. You felt the kiss get rougher, filled with much more desire as he entered his tongue into your mouth. You both repeatedly broke off the kiss to breathe, which only made the whole scene much hotter. It got to the point where you both had to stand up, your arms wrapping around his neck, both his hands sliding down your sides.

"You're so pretty," Matt breathed out, catching his breath. You giggled a bit in return, still panting.

Matt quickly grabbed your face again, this time with only one hand on your face, the other one grabbing your ass. You let out a soft whine in response, ruffling your hand into his hair, the other one resting against his bare chest, occasionally holding him by his neck in order for you to pull him closer.

After what felt like an eternity of roughly kissing each other, Matt pulled away.

"Can I take this off?" he asked quietly, a demanding tone in his voice, as he tugged at the hem of your shirt.

"Please do," you breathed out, raising your arms above your head as Matt pulled it off.

"Fuck- you're so beautiful," Matt said, leaving small wet kisses along your neck and collarbone.

"M-matt," you whimpered, his kisses driving you insane. You could already feel yourself getting wetter and wetter by the minute.

He only chuckled against your skin, kissing you harder, now leaving kissing down between your breasts, which made your head fall back.

"Get on the counter. Now," he demanded, as you obeyed just as quickly. You positioned yourself on the edge of the counter, Matt standing in front of you, your legs around his bare waist. Matt kissed your chest, all the way down to your waistband, your hands still buried in this dark hair.

He looked up at you, his pretty doe eyes almost begging for it. He smirked slyly, and you nodded acceptingly.

It didn't take a minute for Matt to pull your pants down. You sat on the counter, only wearing your panties, Matt in front of you, only wearing his pants.

"Gosh, I'm gonna fuck you so nicely," he basically whimpered, pulling my panties aside with one finger, inserting two quickly.

"Fuck, you're already soaked," he chuckled. You could practically hear the smirk on his lips.

You gasped, your legs tightening around you. Matt looked up at you with a smirk, your mouth wide agape. As his fingers kept pumping in and out of you, your breaths got heavier, your moans louder.

"Matt- please, we can't do this here," you whispered, squeezing your eyes shut to avoid the moans.

"Stay quiet. No one is going to notice," he smirked, his free hand resting on your thigh, the other one pumping repeatedly in and out of your throbbing core.

As he kept going, you felt the familiar knot in your stomach tightening.

"Matt. Matt, I'm close," you whimpered, now holding both his shoulders for support.

"It's okay princess. Let go for me," he said, adding his free hand to rub slow soft circles on your clit. Your mouth, once again, fell wide open.

"M-matt, I'm gonna cum-" you said, cutting yourself off with a whimper. As he whispered sweet nothings into your ear, you felt your lets starting to tremble, which then resulted in you coming all over his fingers.

"Oh my god," Matt said quietly, still pumping his fingers in and out of you. You tried your best not to moan, covering your mouth with one hand, the other one still holding his shoulder for support.

"Get down from the table. I want you bent over the counter, hands on the surface." Matt said, his tone stern.

You quickly obeyed, getting down from the table. As you got down, trying to position yourself, Matt sucked his fingers off, leading to him almost losing it. You bent over in front of him, looking back at him.

"Now, be as quiet as you possibly can. You don't want Chris and Nick seeing us like this, do you?" he asked, pulling down his pajama pants.

"N-no.." you said, your hands resting on the cold surface of the counter, his boxers and pants falling to his thighs.

"Good. Just relax," he said reassuringly, grabbing his cock, and gently aligning it with your, now dripping entrance. He tugged at himself a few times. You squeezed your eyes shut, trying your best to keep calm.

Matt slowly pushed himself into you, resulting in a gasp from the both of you.

"Holy fuck," he groaned, pressing his whole length into you.

"Oh my god, Matt-" you whimpered quietly. Matt gently started moving inside of you, slowly pulling out, just for him to press himself back in, leading in groans escaping his lips, his movements growing harder and faster, as he took you from behind. One of his hands rested on your hips securely, the other also grabbing the counter as his thrusts grew harder and faster.

"Fuck, you feel so good," he groaned, squinting his eyes. You let out a whimper in return, the words completely disappearing from your mouth.

"Shh, it's okay baby. Let me take of you," he whispered into your ear, his words sent shivers down your spine, driving you both closer.

"Fuck-" you moaned quietly, before covering your mouth with one of your hands, making sure not to wake up Nick or Chris. In return, Matt gently pulled your hair.

"Be quiet," he said demanding.

You tried your best to muffle your moans, only leading to whimpers and whines. As his thrust grew harder, one of his hands went down to stroke your thighs, quickly finding its way to your core.

"Matt- please don't. I can't promise I'll be quiet," you whimpered, your mouth still wide open.

"Oh, you're gonna love it when I do," he teased, his index fingers finding their way to play with your clit. You threw your head back in pleasure, his touching driving you to your limits.

Matt chuckled breathlessly, the vibrations tickling your ears. His hips moved swiftly, each thrust hitting your sweet spot within you and causing tiny moans to slip your lips.

"That's it, baby," he rasped, his fingers moving faster, while each thrust getting harder and faster.

You moaned again, quickly covering your mouth. You squeezed your eyes shut, feeling your release approaching.

"Cum for me," Matt hissed into your ear, his hips moving faster in a rhythm that could've made you see stars. His fingers pressed in closer to that sensitive spot, teasing and circling around until you were squirming against him with need. You writhed beneath him.

"Matt, I'm gonna cum," you moaned again.

"Let go puppy," he rasped. And you did. You came onto him, trying your very best not to moan any louder than you already were.

Matt groaned deeply, feeling your tightness around him as you climaxed once again. His thrusts didn't stop though, driving deeper into your heat as he held you close. "Fuck, you feel incredible," he panted, his own release imminent.

"Matt, please stop. I-it's too much," you begged, your head falling forward between your arms.

Matt let out a few low moans as he thrust deeper one last time and filled you up with his warmth. His hand held your hip tightly as he groaned, his breath hot on your neck.

"Oh my fucking god. You're amazing," he rasped. Matt slowly pulled out of you, leaving you both whimpering, his warmth dribbling down your inner thigh. He bent over you, kissing your neck a few times. You wiped your forehead off, smiling at him. You stood up, your back sore. As you stood upright, your legs trembled.

"Fuck. Looks like someone isn't going to be able to walk properly tomorrow," Matt joked, wrapping his arms around your waist from behind.

"Oh, shut up," you laughed, pulling him closer, Matt kissing your cheek. "Can I sleep with you?" you asked as you turned around to kiss his lips.

"Absolutely," Matt said confidently, pulling his pants back up. "If that means another round?" he smirked at you.

Such a tease.

[butchcarmy]

Idk if you've written this but can you write about carmy and the reader arguing and he makes her cry? Idk I just feel like thatd be good angst fluff lol

AHH I got carried away as per usual. anyway this is good stuff. wrote a bunch. enjoy!!

word count: 1.3k

tags: traumatized carmy, mentally ill carmy and reader, arguing, language, HURT/COMFORT, ANGST/FLUFF, carmy being a sweetie

Hm…i'm spending a lot of time thinking about the set-up for this. Carmy is a very careful person when it comes to those he’s romantically involved in, but at the same time, he has a hard time controlling his temper when he's in the darkness, as i'll put it. 

here's something awful i think about that i wanna write about. carmy's stressed about work, because of course he is. he's carmy. his head is whirring, spinning with anxiety and self-hatred. i think you're just like him. mentally ill for mentally ill if you will. you're also in a bad mood, and he comes home from The Bear exhausted and keyed up.

“I hate when you push me away like this,” you admit. You've been trying to get him to talk to you since he's been home. Maybe he just needs space, but separation makes you anxious. Especially when he shuts down. 

“I'm sorry that it's so hard for you,” he spits, finally snapping and turning to face you. You've followed him into the dark bedroom, lit only by the harsh moonlight through the window. You flinch. You never quite get used to seeing him like this. 

“I—I just—“ you feel pressure beginning in the back of your eyes. You will it away. “How can I help you if you don’t talk to me?”

“Why do you care so much? Does it make you feel better to take care of someone more fucked up than you?” He snaps, voice raised. His words go down bitter, leaving an awful taste in your mouth. Something in you shatters.

“How could you ask me that?” Your vision’s gone hot and blurry. “I’m your partner. I love you, that’s why I care, you asshole!” You’re stifling sobs. You hate crying in fights like this, but it hurts. You can’t help it.

“Fuck,” Carmy mutters under his breath. He’s gone still in your blurred vision. “Baby, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that—“

“That was so fucked up, Carmy.” You move to sit on the bed, trying to wipe your tears away, but they keep coming. “What’s your problem?”

“You know what my problem is.” His remorse has swept away the anger, leaving him quiet before you. He leans down at your knees, hands on your thighs. “I shouldn’t have said that. Any of that.”

“You shouldn’t have.” Carmy nods quickly, and he raises a hand to your wet cheeks. “Fuckin’ asshole.”

“I know.” He takes your pain, your anger in its entirety. His other hand brings your knuckles to his lips. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it.“

“Sure sounded like you meant it.” Anger flares up in your chest, hurt and betrayed, but you tamp it down, leaning into his hand cradling his face. You take a deep breath to steady yourself. “Damnit, Carmy.”

“I know. I know.” He’s still kissing your hand. “You’re too good for me. I don’t deserve you.” You hate it when he talks like this, because you can tell he really believes it.

“Don’t say that. Please.” 

“But it’s true.” You look down at him in the moonlight, at his sad blue eyes. “I always find ways to hurt you. I…”

“That’s what being in a relationship is, Carm.” You pat the space next to you. “Sit with me?”

“I keep having to remind myself of that.” He sinks into the bed next to you. “I’m so sorry for talking about you like that. Like you’re only doing this out of…I don’t know. Obligation.” He drags a hand across his tired face. “You don’t deserve that. I’m sorry. I just, I just think that—that I’m—fuck—“

“Slow down, Carm,” you say quietly. “It’s okay. You don’t need to force it. I’m listening.” He smiles bitterly at you, and you recognize the love in it easily. He takes in a deep breath before continuing. 

“I still have a hard time believing that anyone cares about me. I can’t even believe that you—love me.” You can practically see the shame rolling off of him in waves. “And it makes me scared.”

“Love is scary, isn’t it?” You say softly. He just nods. “It scares me, too. That’s why I kept pestering you when you got home. I…” You blink quickly. You don’t wanna cry again. “It scares me when I don’t know what you’re thinking. Because…I dunno. It just does.”

“Yeah?” You nod. He has this thoughtful expression that he holds for a moment as he stews on your words. “I didn’t think about it like that. I’m sorry. I think…I think when you kept asking me if I was okay, it…” he sighs, scratches at his temples. “I felt like I was…getting back into a corner. I think.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize.” You take his hand in yours. “I can see how that must’ve felt really bad.”

“It’s okay. It’s not your fault that I’m like this. I think—I think it just reminded me of my mom. We would always ask her if she was okay, because she’s fucking crazy, yknow? We didn’t wanna step on her toes. But it turns out we did anyway. And the way I acted just now, I was just like…” He can’t even get the words out. “I’m sorry,” he apologizes again, voice choked with emotion. “I love you. So much. You know that, right?”

“You tell me everyday. How could I not?” You pull him into a hug, tight and warm, and he instantly wraps his arms around you. “You’re not your mom, Carm. You're nothing like her. Okay?” 

“I don’t wanna be like her,” he whispers. “I don’t wanna be like her.”

“You’re not,” you remind him softly. “And you won’t be.”

Carmy leans back to look at you, but he remains close. His expression is knotted with pain. You run your thumb over his furrowed brow, and it makes his mouth curve upwards in a smile. It’s fleeting, but it was there. 

“I’m sorry,” he repeats. “I’ll try to open up more. Let you know what I’m thinking.”

Suddenly, you think about when you first started dating Carmy. He was so scared to open up to you emotionally, but with gentle prodding, he fell apart instantly. There was a hunger in him to be known by others, to be seen by you, and it scared him to death. You see that same fear in him now, but you also see how much he’s grown since then. You doubt you would’ve been able to have this conversation at all in the first couple months. 

That makes you happy in a way you’re not quite able to word properly.

“Thank you. But I hope you also know I don’t want to force you. I just wanna help. And…” You measure your words carefully. “I’ll try not to let it freak me out so much. Because if you’re not in the mood to talk, I want you to know that’s okay. Okay?”

“Okay. I’d like that. If I don’t want to talk, I’ll just tell you. Instead of…blowing a fuse.” He laughs dryly. 

“I’d like that too.” You let out an exhale of relief you didn’t realize you were holding. “Wow, Carm. Look at us. Communicating!”

“I know.” That makes him laugh for real this time, and you’re laughing too. “I couldn’t do it without you.”

“I think you could. But I certainly like doing it with you.” His smiles grows wider at that, brimming with affection. 

“Let me make this up to you, baby.” He pulls you in for a kiss, slow and deep. You let out a little noise when his lips meet yours. 

“Make it up to me?” Carmy’s tongue is on your neck now. Oh. “Aren’t you tired? You—you have work tomorrow—?”

“Don’t care.” You fall back onto the bed, and the blankets deflate under you. You stare up at Carmy, his curls hanging by his face. “You’re more important.”

“Well, if you insist…” You giggle, and your giggles get louder when Carmy pulls up your shirt to blow raspberries against your stomach. “Carmy, quit it—oh—!”

He makes it up to you in full and more by keeping his head between your legs for the rest of the night. By the end of it you can't remember what you were mad about in the first place.

[anundyingfidelity]

I'M A RUIN — Soldier Boy/Ben (Part IX)

Summary: After the events of the Seven Tower, you present Grace Mallory a new secret project you're working on already to develop a cure to Compound V. The only problem? You need Soldier Boy for that.

Pairing: Soldier Boy/Ben x female reader

Word count: 2.3k.

Warnings for series: set after S3 (spoilers), some OOC!Ben, some depressed!Ben, angst, hurt/comfort, eventual smut, slow-burn, language, PTSD, reader has Compound V (she's no Vought supe tho), Soldier Boy being an usual asshole, reader is a fucking liar.

Warnings for this chapter: some spoilers and references to S4 and Gen V, mentions of sex, mentions of kindaping, so much lying from these fuckers!!

Notes: idk who's still interested on this crap because my original drafts went to hell once S4 dropped (but also my fault i was waiting for that lol), anyway I'll try to be consistent with this is giving me nightmares i swear. thank you if you're still here 😭

<<< Previous Part

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GEN MASTERLIST! — SERIES MASTERLIST

☕ if you like my writing, support me with a ko-fi !

And if it wasn’t much worse, there he was still, lying down on the other side of the mattress, sleeping and snoring like a stray dog you just took in to protect him from the dangers of the night. Who would have thought? But you wanted this. You fell for it eventually. And you didn’t give a single shit about it, not yet. It was great, you had to admit that. In the end, Ben was right, he could fuck pretty good and could bark about that with good reasons.

Part IX: Nobody’s Business

Rolling on your side of the bed, your eyes fluttered open. There was a warmth coming from the mattress, one that you were not used to every time you woke up. That side always came up empty, but then your mind replayed the memories of last night's events. The small and soft light emanating from the window forced you to sit up abruptly, covering your breasts with the bed sheets. The clock told you it was almost 9 a.m.

But duties are duties, you told yourself, sitting down and reaching your phone on the nightstand. There were six missed calls from an unknown number; you were pretty sure who that was. With a scoff, you got on your feet and full in your naked glory, stepped out of the room, just taking your dress from the floor to put it on as best as you could while you heard the line from the other side.

“Oi, I’ve been calling you, answer the damn phone,” the British voice on the other side spit.

You grimaced, pulling the phone away as he yelled at you before speaking. “I had important things last night. Sorry for having a life,” you lied gracefully, making your way to the kitchen to boil some water for a tea. “Besides, since do you care? I barely fucking know you, so tell me what is it before I hung up.”

Butcher sighed from the other side of the line. “I need the kid back.”

“Ryan?”

“Yeah, and I need something for it. I don’t wanna force him, but tough times require even tougher methods…”

There was a silence coming from you, trying to process his words. Soldier Boy wanted the kid, Butcher wanted the kid, and Homelander of course wanted his fucking kid. You didn’t know who was the best for Ryan. Homelander was out of the league immediately, but maybe Butcher was the only sane motherfucker between them to take care of him. After all, he was his dead wife’s son.

“What do you want me to do? You’re not gonna kidnap him, right?” you asked, unsure of what would happen if you agreed to help Butcher on it.

“No, but don’t play innocent. Can imagine you have plenty of analgesics to take down an army, doctor.”

You pictured that fucked up smirk on his face at his words, and followed his game to see if you could get somewhere.

“And what do I get in exchange? I’m not giving anything for free.”

“Novichok. Put him to deep slumber and can test the strongest drug you have on Soldier Boy without getting killed,” he whispered over the phone, as if someone was hearing his words.

“Alright, deal,” you accepted, taking off a cup to pour your tea. “Send me the address and we can meet today. Just don’t mess with me, I don’t have enough arguments to trust you right now.”

“And I can respect that. Should be receiving it soon, darling.”

With those final words, Butcher hung up the call.

Your head felt spinning, as if something had crushed you so bad. Your body hurted, and you were sore. Probably you regretted it. Not because it wasn’t good, it was something else. What had happened between Ben and you wasn’t supposed to be. It just simply couldn’t. He was a killing machine you were just reaping, eventually discarding him when you took what you needed. However, the right time to test the Anti V prototype had yet to come. Sipping from your hot tea, you heard hard steps from the stairs, and for some reason, you were not prepared to face him the morning after.

“Ah, preparing my breakfast already, doll,” Ben said cheerfully, much to your liking, and approaching you as you faced your back to him.

His arms wrapped around your waist, and as much as you wanted to enjoy his touch, you pushed him away and turned on your feet to see his confused grin.

“First of all, good morning. And second, no. You can make yourself a sandwich,” you replied.

A smile appeared on your lips as his own slowly faded away.

“So, nothing for me, even if I made you feel so good with my cock?”

“God, you’re so gross…”

Ben snorted, leaning to give soft kisses on the skin of your neck as he whispered. “I don’t remember you complaining about it last night.”

As an impulse, you shut your eyes. His touch and lips over your sensitive skin were too intoxicated for you to react quickly and stop him. Ben took the cup of tea from your hand, putting it on the countertop; the place he fucked you so good the night before. He would kill to go again, with you beneath him, yearning and crying for his dick. Or maybe he’d fuck you in the couch before taking you to your bed, exactly like he did after you did it in the kitchen…

“Stop,” you said, pushing him away softly.

He did as you asked rapidly, licking his lips, and watching your lustful gaze intently. You wanted it as much as he did, but it wasn’t the right time.

“I’m still sore,” you continued. “And I have some stuff to do right now. I have to go.”

He nodded. “Right.”

To your surprise, Ben gave you some space and you stepped up, not before taking the cup and your phone between your hands again. You stopped, standing by his side for a moment.

“Maybe later?” you said, watching his face attentively.

That sleazy smirk curved on his lips. “Later.”

You walked away then, feeling his eyes over your figure. God, you were so fucking regretting offering yourself to him already for some reason.

You sat down on the dining table as he settled down a saucer and two cups of tea with a bowl of biscuits.

“It’s not necessary–”

“Nonsense, take it,” Butcher said, taking a seat in front of you.

He served you and him the tea with an elegance only a British man could ever have, not that you expected him to have that inside. Butcher was a soldier once, now an undercover agent whom you had no idea what to expect, besides the few things Grace had told you about him, but she wasn’t there. This meeting was hidden from everyone. Butcher crossed his arms on his chest, looking at you with an expression you could not decode. You were barely knowing him after all.

“I’m not trying to poison you,” he joked, taking his own cup to taste the tea.

“Well, thanks for your kindness,” you took the cup and sipped the warm drink. It was surprisingly good. “So, weren’t you after Victoria?” you asked, following the previous conversation you had with him before sitting down.

“Yeah, cunt’s indestructible,” he remarks. “Can’t do anything now, planning on just retiring and just leaving it all...”

“There’s a fucking outburst right now between Homelander’s cult and Starlight fanatics, Victoria is almost there along with Robert Singer at the White House. Why you wanna give up on that?”

“I’m not part of the team anymore,” Butcher confessed, taking you aback.

“Is that the reason you want Ryan back?”

He nodded and you sensed vulnerability coming from him. The tough facade, the immoral plans, the thirst for revenge for the fucker who screw up his life and made his wife’s a living hell… Even your own thirst for payback and burning Vought to the ground wasn’t as big as his own grief. After all, you were just another piece on the chessboard. Butcher saw you as one, and you did the same with him and Ben. You were just taking in things that would help you to reach your own, selfish goals. One can’t compete with that.

He coughed in the middle of the silence you shared, and you noticed there was a black liquid coming off one of his ears you have never seen.

“Are you okay?” you worriedly asked.

Butcher looked like he noticed your eyes staring at the side of his face and wiped up the substance with his finger, cleaning it up with a napkin.

“You stopped taking the temp V?” you insisted on his silence.

“Yeah, I fucking did, and then had it again. The true V this time, didn’t help. Just accelerated my own death,” Butcher seemed like he didn’t give a shit as he told you.

“Fuck, are you crazy?!” you exclaimed.

“Thought it’d save me, alright?!” he ranted. “Thought it could. So I could say I had more time with Ryan, but I don’t. That’s why you’re here. Do you have what I asked or not?”

Grumbling, with your jaw tight, you took from your jacket a small packet of white powder and tossed it on top of the table.

“A sedative. Will keep him asleep for days if you’re not careful,” you announced. “Give me the gas now.”

Butcher stood up abruptly, and searched for something in one of the kitchen cabinets. He took out a grey cylindrical vessel, similar to a fire extinguisher, and left it on the floor by your feet.

“There you have it,” he said, before taking his seat back.

You didn’t say ‘thank you’, neither did he, but Butcher dared to speak out again.

“Can you come when Ryan is here?”

“Excuse me? I don’t know the kid, I don’t see why I should be here.”

“Another secret is good enough for ya,” he insisted. His face was just as plain as yours.

You didn’t know what else to expect from him at this point, but you followed him up.

“And?”

“There’s something down Godolkin. A virus, created to exterminate supes,” he explained, leaning forward and whispering as if someone else could hear outside the walls. “If your cure ain’t working, maybe you could use some help from there.”

Ben emptied the last drawer in your room. There was fucking nothing. The only pleasure he took in from sniffing into your stuff was checking your underwear, from the most comfy cotton panties to the lingerie he’d love to see on you while he fucked your brains out. And then, nothing. Emptiness. No secrets, no files. Nothing.

Not caring of putting your stuff in place, he just tossed them into the drawer. If you were to indulge back there, you would certainly notice the mess. But he didn’t care if you did. He fucked you good, but that didn’t mean he trusted you. That’s why he spent the last hours of the day checking the whole place after you left him all alone and by himself. The past few days, he had spent checking everywhere to find a clue or something that could give you away easily.

Tired, Ben went down to the living room and checked between the bookshelves, only to find dust and old books he didn’t give a shit about. He scoffed to himself, and walked to the back of the room, where the aisle ended. The carpet felt different, as if another floor was down there. He knocked on the floor with his fist. He was right; there was another floor down the living room.

“What are you fucking hiding in here?” he mumbled to himself, his mind pulling the tricks of any stuff you could probably have down there.

He pulled the carpet away and found a small metal knob, unlocked. He opened it just to reveal stairs and he went down carefully. A heavy metal door stood in front of him, an electronic panel with numbers by the side. The walls were also made of the same material, and he tensed. It wasn’t a good sign. Before, he noticed you would sneak out of your room some nights. There was no other place you should be visiting but here.

He thought of breaking the door, but it wasn’t that subtle. There was a code to get inside, probably he could get it. It had to be something important for you, right? Shouldn’t be so difficult.

But he knew better than to continue playing this fucking game of hiding the thruth from him. Anger seized him in a second, thinking of endless possibilities this could be a hidden lab. You were a doctor after all, he knew what those cocksuckers were capable of. You were no exception.

He clenched his fists tightly, and heard in the distance the sound of your car. Ben quickly climbed the stairs and covered the door to the basement. The click of the door announced you were home and he made his way to the kitchen to take out a bottle of whiskey and two glasses.

Once you stepped up, he poured the liquor. You left a couple of bags full with groceries on the kitchen counter as Ben gave you a dirty smile and offered the whiskey to you. It was his way of disguising what he really felt.

A quick fuck should do, he thought.

“So, later, right?” he said, taking a sip from his glass.

Immediately, you knew what those words meant.

“You’ve been waiting so long I see,” you smirked.

He pulled you closer with a single hand before claiming your lips in a harsh kiss. He smiled when you moaned against his tongue and he pulled away, this time his lips claiming the sensitive spot on your neck.

“And can’t wait any longer, sugar.”

this fic tags:

@k-slla @syrma-sensei @mostlymarvelgirl @cheynovak @drasticemotions @thesilmarillionblog @deans-spinster-witch @girlsforpjm @delaynew

[httpskuzuu]

Softer

hola :D fyodor is alive - fyodor esta vivo I was thinking about making a masterlist or something like that, I don't know if when I upload this I will have it published or how I will do it

anyway, I really liked this and enjoyed writing it, it's longer than I usually post but Idk, by the way, I hated translating this, it was a pain in the ass, but that's what I get for joining a mostly English community ññññññññññññ-- well, this is mostly inspired by Sinner by TheBloodySadist, you can find it in Ao3 if you want to read it, I had an obsession with it a few months xd

jaja this has gone on too long, well, adiós adiós :p

Yandere!Fyodor x Reader

English is not my mother tongue, sorry for the mistakes

sumary: You tried to escape and now you have to take the consequences, but you make something change in Fyodor... (juju, mistery >:p) Pt.2

tw: yandere behavior, kidnapping, failed escape attempt, explicit punishment, explicit violence, blood, broken bones, humiliation¿, manipulation, brainwashing, stockholm syndrome, reader needs therapy, stabbing, nudity, sedative, Fyodor is a fucking tw

You tremble under the weight of the boot on your ribs, you swear that at some point you hear them cracking along with an agonizing pain throughout your body.

The pressure on your body makes it impossible for you to breathe properly, which is a serious problem considering you are hyperventilating. Every breath burns your exhausted lungs and aggravates the pain.

You'd ask Fyodor to kill you already if it weren't for the fact that your throat is in a terrible condition from so much screaming and pleading.

"Well, I see I can't trust you, can I?" Despite the situation, Fyodor's tone provokes you inner anger, sounding so sarcastic. Something deep inside you tells you it's not sarcasm, it's concern, but you can't believe it, especially not coming from Fyodor.

You imagine that, if you had the strength at this moment, you would kill him with your own hands. You know well you wouldn't be able to, but it's pleasant to think about it.

"I do everything for you, and still you try to escape." He puts more pressure against your ribs and you've never felt as much pain as you do now. "You spoiled brat." He growls and his Russian accent becomes much thicker.

He removes his foot from your body and you can breathe. Relief courses through your veins and, out of pure instinct, you thank him for that act of kindness. He could have stretched it out longer, put more pressure on you and broken your ribs more, but he was merciful and gave you a break…. A break, you know that your punishment is not yet over.

You don't know yourself and your thoughts. One thing you have to hand it to Fyodor is that his training is really effective, but you're tougher than that, or at least you like to think so. Realistically, right now, you just want to curl up against him.

A kick in the side snaps you out of your thoughts, you moan and cry from the pain, your throat burning with fire. You never want to utter a sound again in your life after this.

"Aw, you poor thing… Does it hurt? Now you know how I feel every time you leave me." He's lying, you know that, but that doesn't take away the guilt that settles in your head free-form.

You shouldn't have run away, Fyodor isn't even that bad if you behaved: no gratuitous physical harm and he takes better care of you than you could ask of a kidnapper. You were an idiot, you deserved all this for not appreciating your life with Fyodor properly. God… Why did you try to escape in the first place? The Russian would always would catch you, you were just causing trouble.

Ignoring your destroyed throat, you decide to speak. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I won't try to escape again. Please give me another chance, I'll be good…"

Fyodor kneels down next to your agonized body. He puts his hand against your tear-stained cheek, at first you flinch, thinking he was going to hurt you more, but then you lean almost automatically against his cold hand.

You cry harder as you feel Fyodor's gentle touch, you don't quite understand what's wrong with you, you just know that you want to melt against his hand. You close your eyes and tremble. You want a hug from him, you know you shouldn't want that, that it's disgusting, he kidnapped you and hurt you, but at a time like this, when you've been disobedient, he's still showing you affection….

"Shh, it's okay, милый." He catches the falling tears with his thumb. "I know you're sorry, but your punishment isn't over yet." You automatically tense up and slowly open your eyes to look at the man in front of you, there is a smirk of superiority painted on his face, observing your pathetic appearance.

You don't dare open your mouth to complain because deep down you know very well that you deserve it, you deserve the pain for being so bratty and causing inconvenience to Fyodor. You accept what lies ahead of you and let Fyodor pull his hand away from you.

With his grip firmly on your hip, he guides you to turn around. You keep the cheek that was previously receiving the loving touch against the ground a thousand times colder than Fyodor.

You concentrate exclusively on the Russian's hands, it's just an idiotic attempt to ignore the pain all over your body. He pulls up your shirt, leaving your back bare against the cold, why is everything so cold all of a sudden? Fyodor is too, in a way he brings you peace of mind, it's like he's everywhere, even in the air…. What the hell are you thinking? You firmly believe you're delusional at this point, these are not your real thoughts, it's clear to you, he put all these idiotic ideas in your head and now you can't get them out. It's agonizing in a certain way.

The only thing you hear is your irregular breathing, if it wasn't for Fyodor's hand clamped on your hip, you would think you were alone right now, and you don't know if you would like that more or less.

Something sharpening presses against your upper back. Everything breaks down in a moment as Fyodor makes a straight cut across your entire back. It hurts horrendously, especially as the blood starts to spurt out. You start to feel dizzy and for a few moments you convince yourself you're going to pass out, but no, your body is still holding on, focused solely on Fyodor's hand.

"Breathe, моя любовь. It's just a cut." You repeat Fyodor's last sentence in your head like a mantra: it's just a cut, it's just a cut. He could have done it much worse to you, you were fine, just a cut.

You take comfort in closing your eyes hard and imagining that you are once again a child at the doctor's office, that you are simply having blood drawn for a blood test because you have not been feeling very well lately. You make a fist with your hand and clench it, digging your fingernails deep into your palm, it's as if you are clutching the hand of one of your parents for comfort. There is no more pain, it's okay, it's all right-

Another cut, this time horizontal, creates a cross on your back. You don't care, you're at the hospital, and you're safe, nothing will happen to you. It's just a cut.

Fyodor stabs the weapon into your side. You open your eyes wide as a torn scream comes out of your mouth.

Fuck it all, do you really deserve this? Have you been so horrible? You assume that Fyodor simply hates you, that he wants to torture you.

Fyodor pulls the weapon out of your body, you look out of the corner of your eye and the wound doesn't seem to be that bad, you thought it was deeper because of the pain, but no, it was something apparently superficial. You didn't want to know how much it would hurt if he had really stabbed you deeper.

Fyodor's voice right next to your ear startles you. "Sorry, was that too much? Did I hurt my little one too much?" That mocking tone again, but you hear a hint of love and concern, or so you assume. No, it's impossible for Fyodor to hate you, if he hated you there wasn't that hint of love, was there? If he hated you, he wouldn't say to you like that: my little one, his little one.

"I can't take it anymore! Please, Fyodor!" He leaves a chaste kiss on the back of your neck, and you cry disconsolately, you don't know why, but you do know it's not because of the pain, the pain doesn't matter anymore.

"You can." Fyodor's voice is the ultimate authority right now, and if he says you can take it, it's because you can. "You don't want to disappoint me, do you?"

After those words you instantly panic, you desperately shake your head, of course you don't want to disappoint him! You have to accept your punishment, it was your fault in the first place.

"Brace yourself, dear." Fyodor leaves a trail of kisses from the nape of your neck all the way down your back, above the vertical cut. You assume he's filled his lips with blood and hate yourself at the thought of how attractive he'd look like that.

A new cut interrupts your hatred. You scream, but nothing more, you can take it, for Fyodor….

It's just one cut.

You don't know how many cuts there are next, you are not able to count them. You don't feel your throat anymore, but miraculously it still works, your screams are still coming out of it, you are relieved because you still want to keep your voice to talk to Fyodor, to ask him to hold you.

Fyodor removes your shirt completely and lays it aside on the floor. He holds you firmly and helps you sit up, any movement is hell for your ribs, but you endure it by concentrating on your kidnapper, on his loving but steadfast touch.

You look at him dizzy, teary-eyed and shattered. He is smiling, you have not disappointed him. Your head hurts as you cry disconsolately against his chest again.

"What's wrong? Why are you crying now? Your punishment is over, I won't hurt you anymore."

"You…" You're unable to speak, it's too much at once, the pain and your thoughts coming together in a ball of discomfort. You shake your head and hug him tightly.

"Are you afraid?" You weakly shake your head. It's true that Fyodor scares you, especially on these occasions when he punishes you, but you're not crying about it now.

Funny, you don't know why you're crying, but you do know what you're not crying about.

Fyodor is silent, thinking about why you're crying. "Is it about the pain?" You deny again.

Fyodor hums thoughtfully. "If you don't tell me what it is, I can't help you." You ponder on that: does he want to help you? Is he serious?

You make the feeble attempt to gather your thoughts and speak. "It's just- I don't know" Your voice comes out shakier than you wish it would. "When you touch me… It feels so good, I don't deserve it, I don't-"

"Oh, I see… Aren't you crying because of something bad? Is it because it feels good?" You nod quickly, yes, that's as close as you feel. You're happy when it touches you, when it's good to you. Were you crying out of happiness? Well, you guess so, although it feels more depressing.

"It's okay, relax." He leaves a kiss in front, and it breaks you inside. "You've taken the punishment very well, come on, you deserve to be taken care of."

The process of getting up from the floor is horrible, not only because of the pain all over your body and your numb legs, but because your mind doesn't stop spinning around Fyodor's last sentence. It feels horrible and so good at the same time that your mind is only around one specific person.

He helps you up and you let him lean your useless body against his. He guides you through the house, being patient with your slow pace. He's mostly silent, except when he tells you how well you're doing or that not long to go. Since when did Fyodor know how to talk so pleasantly?

You reach the bathroom, he sits you on the toilet and turns on the bathtub faucet. While it is filling, Fyodor takes some pills out of a drawer that you have always found locked. You don't know what the pills are or what they're for, but he hands you one and you take it without question.

You let your head fall against Fyodor's stomach, even though he is standing upright he doesn't move an inch and lets you be comfortable, he strokes your hair and you sigh lovingly. You don't deserve it, but you need more of this Fyodor, the soft Fyodor who takes care of you and makes you feel good, what did you have to do in the future to keep it in this shape? If you need to be damaged for that, well, you are willing to do it.

"The tub is full." He warns and moves a little away from you, causing you to raise your head. You miss a little that he's touching you, even though he's only been separated of you for three seconds. He holds you under your armpits and helps you up. "I need you to stand up on your own, can you, дорогой?"

You try not to focus so much on Fyodor asking you if you could do it instead of just sending you the order, and focus on standing on your own.

The Russian undresses you completely, his hands are soft, and you feel them all over your body. They are so cold, and you are so cold too now that you are naked. You are vulnerable, now more than ever, and Fyodor's fixed gaze on you disturbs you. You are simply an easy prey to hunt, his prey.

He doesn't look like a hunter now, as much as his gaze is like knives stabbing through every spot he focuses on, you think he's not doing it on purpose. Fyodor doesn't know how to be nice, he never has. He knows how to be neutral: he can keep you alive and give you necessities, but he can't kiss you and keep you warm.

But there's something wrong with all this, he's being warm because since when are his hands so soft against your battered body? You need him, you need him so much it hurts, is this his way of being nice? Okay, fine, you accept it without complaint.

When he puts you in the tub you want to die, the cuts on your back burn at the contact of the water. You don't dare say a word at that or ask Fyodor to pull you out, you're afraid you'll upset him, that he'll get tired of you being so weak and whiny and stop being gentle. Fyodor could have left you lying on the cold floor, bleeding, but he didn't. You can't be an unbearable child to him.

The Russian starts washing your body, putting special emphasis on your cuts and the wound on your side. You look at his serious face with need, why were you only now realizing how handsome he was? Mmmh, you must have been blind before. He notices obviously your shy look on his lips and he smiles, that smile indicating that he was superior to you and despite that, he was still keeping you alive and forgiving of everything you did.

He approaches you and gives you the only thing you needed to be satisfied for today: a kiss. It reminds you of all the good things, strangely enough in those memories Fyodor also appears and disturbs you minimally.

You question yourself that, maybe, Fyodor does know how to be gentle.

This is the proof you need to know that now this was a new version, right? He kissed you. You feel a warmth spreading throughout your body, now it is warm, and his hands are warm too. There is a big change in temperature and it feels like heaven.

After that, Fyodor continued to wash you with special care, ignoring how your face might explode from how red it was.

The only thing that could crush the heat was tiredness, you almost fell asleep a couple of times, but you didn't want to fall asleep because it would be like wasting time with this soft Fyodor, what if tomorrow he returned to his serious and impassive face? You can't waste this time or you would regret it.

"Go to sleep, take it easy. I'll take you to bed when I'm finished." You looked at him as the most merciful being in the world. He cared about you…

You hold back your sobs for these acts of kindness, you don't want to cry anymore, not only to avoid possible discomfort in Fyodor, but for yourself, the headache is unbearable.

You let yourself fall asleep, with your head supported on your knees and Fyodor's soothing touch.

You had a nightmare which you don't remember, or don't want to remember. You wake up with your body held in Fyodor's arms, warm and gentle.

Since when did everything become so homey? Homey? Would that be the right word? Describing any situation involving Fyodor with that word doesn't feel natural to you.

You find it hard to feel your body, and your thoughts don't flow as quickly and aggressively as they used to. It's like being enveloped in a cloud, full of comfort and calmness.

You just feel something on your side, at the site of the shallow stab wound. You think maybe it's some bandage, but your limbs are asleep and too comfortable against Fyodor to move them to check. Otherwise, you feel nothing, only someone else's hand on your lower belly, it's extremely intimate in your perspective.

You turn your sleepy head and glance sideways at Fyodor. He seems calm, looking at you, his face is emotionless again and it scares you. You come to convince yourself that he is still the soft Fyodor, if he wasn't his hand wouldn't be on you, he still hasn't changed, you repeat that to yourself until you believe it.

"… Fyodor, do you know what?" Your voice comes out weak and hoarse, you wonder how soon your throat will heal. You're thankful you can't feel it well, so there's no pain anymore.

"Mmmh?"

"I think I love you."

"Do you?" There is a change, minuscule, but a change.

You nod and look away from his face, you can't stand it, no. There has been a change, you don't know in what. There's been a change, a change! Is it good or bad? You want to think it's a nice thing.

"You're different."

"I am? In what way?"

"You're softer, something nice."

"You're drugged, you don't talk sense."

"But you're different! Seriously, you never take care of me."

Silence rules the room and it hurts. Why did you talk? What idiocy, it's your fault everything that happens now, all your fault.

"You cried with happiness when I helped you sit up." Your gaze returns to the other.

"I know, so what? You want me to cry again?" There are no bad intentions behind your comment, there really aren't. You feel your brain empty, and you can't quite interpret the situation, what is Fyodor trying to tell you? Is he angry? Is he going to punish you again? It's exhausting to use your brain in this state, so you just give up and go with the flow.

"No, I don't want that." The silence stretches a little longer and, for just a few seconds, Fyodor looks away. He looks away. "I just… I thought maybe you'd be happier if I treated you good."

"Ah…" He wanted you to be happy? Really?

"I know I hurt you, but you know I only do it when you deserve it, don't you?" You nod and the cuts on your back burn for a few seconds. "Good. I really want you to be happy, with me."

You feel like at any moment the old Fyodor will appear through the door and say something like it was all a test, and then punish you for failing it. It's a horrible feeling, but you come to believe that it will seriously pass.

"So… Are you still going to be soft?"

"Yes, only if you are obedient in return."

Yes, yes, yes. He's going to keep being gentle. For some reason your chest hurts, and you sob, Fyodor has a few drops of surprise in his expression. You hide from his gaze and just focus on the yes, it's like releasing a horrible burden out of your body. You weren't afraid he was lying, something told you he wasn't, his expression maybe, or his voice, or….

"Are you crying with happiness now too?"

"I like the soft Fyodor…"

"Mmmh, that's good, isn't it?" He pulls you a little closer to his face and leaves a soft kiss on your forehead. You'd like to kiss him in return, but you can't move. "I'll keep being soft then."

I swear all I could think about while writing this was to to send it all to hell and make these two fuck

maybe I will make a second part

[roi-des-aulnes]

OK, a little disorganised rant below but I had to get it out of my system :

I hated season 4. We had to suffer a whole year of messy plot lines, the characters pulled in too many directions and still doing fuck all because they keep having the same sentimental (and sometimes, frankly corny) conversation over and over again. And the side characters were disappointing. I saw the positive reactions to the Butcher, Noel and Oscar, and I understand. It was refreshing to have other human beings that were going to be more fleshed out than #Dead Body n°3 or # Mad Old Woman n°273849. But that didn't really happen in the end. The butcher felt like a caricature of a villain in a CW tv show, and don't get me started on his "redemption". The finale episodes were just. Bad. I was audibly sighing with annoyance during the big fight between John and Yellow which was way too cliché. The big Larson machine thing went nowhere, and I feel like the Kayne scene was just a lazy solution for getting rid of all the loose ends all at once because HG felt stuck at that point and didn't know how to end the arc.

Anyway. All of this just to say, I felt like season 5 was a good opportunity to shake things up by changing the setting, giving Jarthur completely new challenges, maybe it would let them explore that new aspect of their relationship they talked about in the first episode, idk. Instead we got a John recap episode, whatever the fuck Malam was, the useless Horig disease, the Agatha Christie medieval plot ... when Everard introduced Alia, Antoine and Vale, i remember thinking "why are we losing time on this, they'll most likely be dead and discarded soon".

What's worse is that it's getting more and more difficult to remember that John is more than a disembodied voice narrating whatever is happening. Occasionally he says "yes Arthur !" or "careful Arthur" but that's about it. OK then. I thought he wanted to stop feeling like a voice trapped in another man's body. Didn't they discuss it at length before ?

Oh and I don't care about Lillith. I've tried, but maybe it would have been easier to make her more interesting if her and Scratch were different characters? Idk. They beat Scratch once they can do it again + Arthur Just Doesn't Die so why should we care ? As far as I can see she's not a threat, just a nuisance.

And I'm not even gonna talk about the Faroe thing but that's yet another one of my main problems with this podcast lately. Basically, throughout the show I went from "aww no poor him he has a dead daughter :(" to "oh of course he's still grieving" and eventually to "OK can he maybe let her die for real actually ? Instead of waving her dead body around every time Arthur is inconvenienced so he can cry about it?"

What's maddening to me is that there is still potential. The sound design is great, I loved the eerie music in the forest episode. And I can see that HG has ideas, or pieces of ideas at least. There are characters that you want to get invested into. But I feel that the main character is getting less and less compatible with them, and so most of those ideas end up botched and lesser versions of what could have been.

[spyroforlife]

SO.

Your thoughts on the latest episode of Helluva Boss? Do not spare the walls of text.

It was good but I feel like Andrealphus's plot was very contrived and it had so many ways it could have gone wrong and backfired on his ass, but instead it conveniently didn't so that we could get depowered Stolas and Stolitz hurt/comfort. Everything fell into place perfectly to get Stolas to admit his fault and thus Satan takes his power and Andrealphus and Stella win. Because that's just how they wanted to write it. Buut.. idk. I think this should have worked out differently.

Stolas is a genius and has been portrayed as someone who is very meticulous when it comes to deals and laws. I think it would have been far more interesting if he had showed up to the trial fully prepared to defend both himself and Blitz, with a solid case to present to the Sins. And being a Goetia, Stolas would have likely had a better chance at strong-arming them into actually listening to his testimony, versus Blitz who they of course just dismissed because he's an imp. But Stolas has power. He has pull. True, he had to move fast to even get there before the execution, which Andrealphus was surely relying on. Ultimately, Andrealphus is meant to be the 'mastermind' of this episode. But still, I think Stolas could have used his influence at that point to halt everything and force this to proceed in a more fair fashion.

Let him gather evidence and present a defense. And then he could have turned things BACK AROUND on Andrealphus, to prove to the court that he's trying to bring Stolas down just to get his power for himself, and reveal all Andrealphus's lying and bribing.

But you know. This isn't as exciting. So of course we got what we got.

An alternative idea though, to me, would just be... Stolas IS the owner of the grimoire. Anything he decides to do with it, in his ultimate wisdom, is just and acceptable. He should have just simply pulled rank and said sure, he allowed Blitz to use the book for his business, but this is his domain and if he authorized it, it goes. It's no one else's place to interfere in Stolas's use of the grimoire. That could have been an interesting angle. And at this point Blitz has been using the Asmodean crystal anyway, so hey, you wanna take this up with ASMODEUS?

And Asmodeus, being a Sin, will probably be granted even more leeway. He gave it to Blitz, for Blitz to use as he wished. End of story. And Blitz is no longer using the grimoire. What's the problem? There isn't one :) But how INTERESTING that Andrealphus brings this up now, huh? Almost like he's... trying to get something out of all this... HMM

Basically, turn Satan's wrath onto Andrealphus for being manipulative, and Blitz and crew can skedaddle, and Stolas is fine.

These are just more reasonable ideas about how it could have gone, and again, I acknowledge that that's not really the point. They wanted it to be dramatic, they wanted it to be angsty, and that's how they wrote it. Of COURSE Satan's an impatient little shit. Of COURSE Stolas barely gets there with time to spare and just immediately throws his reputation and life on the line for Blitz. Of COURSE Satan just decides fine by him and strips him of his power, so of COURSE we get Stolas going home with Blitz and things are domestic and sad uwu

Still. I just like to imagine how things could have gone differently, and Icedick coulda gotten his ass handed to him

ah well I'm just gonna hold out hope for Octavia figuring out Stolas is alive and rushing to be with him and immediately start helping him figure out how to appeal to Satan and turn this all around, also Vassago can help because I like him

on a less serious note, there were some pretty cute Stolitz moments that I enjoyed and I hope they talk more about their feelings now. Also Andrealphus and Stella's incest thing is fucking hilarious and it's been so funny to see people losing their minds over it, OH NO THE OWL ROYALS ARE DOING AN INCEST, THE SCANDAL

[scekrex]

First off, LOVE your writing. Like, I’m literally obsessed 😫😫

But I wanted to request something, basically, just Adam wanting to experiment with Y/n cause he’s a little curious (bi-curious 😉) and just him being really awkward with it, like, HE. HAS. NOT. BEEN. THIS ANXIOUS AND SCARED about doing sexual stuff since his first time with EVE. Like, you’d think it would be easy to give a handjob while frotting but WHOOPS his hands are too. fucking. sweaty and the damn dicks keep slipping away and now he wants to die from the embarrassment. Like it’s THAT serious for him. (And it’s TOTALLY not because he has f-f-feelings for Y/n…. Definitely not…)

I really just like nervous bi-curious guys who need a little comforting in their sexuality. Cause I know that poor boy has internalized homophobia RIDDLED in his bones. (Like, how does he know that Angel is a pornstar in hell, but not know Alastor, one of the most famous overloads in hell?? Bro’s been watching that shit on the down-low)

All in all, he gives Church Pastor’s Closeted Gay Son vibes.

But yeah, I just want this boy to know, it’s ok for him to want to suck a dick and MAYBE kiss the homies goodnight (IDK sounds a little gay/j) 😭🙏

Okay okay okay, so Adam struggling with being bi? Fuck yeah. Like it seriously messes with his fucking head and he doesn't understand it at fucking all.

Is this the life, the one from your dreams?

pairing: Adam x male!reader

warnings: language, handjob

note: not beta read bc fuck you I don't have beta readers

Adam's been acting kinda strange for the past few days - that means even stranger than he had been acting before. And somehow his strange behavior had led to the two of you sitting in your bedroom, dressed in nothing but boxershorts and having the most awkward conversation.

You and Adam had been close friends for a couple thousand years by now, he was your rotten soldier, your homeboy and you knew you meant just as much to him as he meant to you. But while you were okay with being queer, Adam had his problems with it. ‘I can't be gay, I'm fucking Adam, God didn't create me to be gay and suck dick' was one of the excuses he used the most whenever you addressed the topic. But this time it was different.

“So uhm, y'know how you're gay?” Good fucking job Adam, of course you would forget about something like that. You raised an eyebrow at his choice of words and crooked your head a little, “What kind of question is that?” Yeah, that he was asking himself as well, what kind of question was that? His sweaty palm ran through his hair in order to cool himself down, it wasn't helping. Not the slightest bit. He was still nervously sweating and twitching, leaving you confused. “Yeah, stupid thing to ask I- fuck. I was wondering-” how would you ask for something like that anyway? ‘So I know you've said you'd smash me in the past, is that offer still on the table?’ Fuck no. “Yeah, fuckhead, that offer’s still on the table,” was your more than casual response to his question - which he had apparently voiced out loud. The brunette’s head snapped towards you, meeting your eyes for the first time ever since he had entered your apartment today, “What?” He sounded so confused and overwhelmed at the same time, his eyes reflected both excitement and anxiety. He looked so confident yet so insecure.

“Y’know, if ya wanna fuck around to find out, I'm your guy,” oh and how Adam adored yet hated the sound of that - he desperately wanted you to be his guy, though not only in the context of sex but rather as his boyfriend - not that he'd tell you though. So he simply just stared at you because what the fuck had you just said? “So if I like-” You interrupted him by placing your hand firmly on his thigh, he looked at your hand, then sought eye contact. “If ya wanna hook up I'm cool with that.”

But were you? Were you cool with ‘just hooking up’? No. But it was the most you could get, the closest you'd ever be to Adam and if Adam wanted you to be his fuck-buddy, you wouldn't turn it down. If fuck-buddy was all the first man had to offer, you'd gladly swallow it. Adam seemed to have noticed the uncertainty in your eyes, yet he was too scared to ask if you were sure - he knew he should have asked, but he was too afraid you'd change your mind last minute.

Your hand slowly crept closer up to his crotch and the brunette sitting in front of you let you, his curious golden eyes watched your every move carefully and once your hand had finally reached its destination, a quiet moan escaped him. He immediately didn't like the feeling - not the feeling itself, the feeling itself was purely divine. It was rather the feeling of giving up control that he didn't like, he felt lost, vulnerable and exposed. So he grabbed a hold of your wrist and moved it away from his body entirely, that earned him another confused look by you. “I know what I like, don't fucking care if it's done by a fucking chick or a dude. I wanna fucking find out how to-” he wasn't even able to say it, to say that he wanted to learn how to pleasure dudes, how to pleasure you. But you understood him, of course you did. Aside from Lute you knew him best, you were the one who could look right through his tough guy act but you never said a word about it. You saw the tiniest of emotions in his eyes, mostly even emotions Adam himself hadn't noticed.

So you wiggled out of his grip, grabbed his wrist instead and guided it straight to your crotch instead. The feeling of Adam's palm against your most sensitive part was different from what you had imagined it - it was better. His large palm had no issue cupping all of you and you couldn't help but lightly thrust up against his hot skin. The brunette's eyes widened, not in shock but in lust, the way your body reacted to his simple touch was amazing, purely wonderful. The fact that you also managed to hold eye contact while thrusting up against his palm and tiny moans falling from your lips - though he was sure you just did that to tease him - all those things did something to him. “Are ya gonna jerk me off or do I need to do that myself?” Fuck, your words were tempting, so so sweet and tempting, how could he refuse? And seriously, giving you a handjob couldn't be any different than jerking himself off, could it?

Well it very much could. Once your underwear had been snapped away by the first man, his hand was so sweaty that it kept losing its grip, your dick kept slipping out of his hand and while you truly didn't seem to mind it all that much given the fact that it was his first experience, Adam minded. He wanted this to be good, he wanted you to remember how good he was in bed, that his hand was feeling so much better than yours but how could he make you feel that way when he didn't even manage to jerk you off properly? He looked stressed, his body was tense and he was feeling many things but enjoyment wasn't one of them. And of course you had to notice all of this.

“Adam,” your voice sounded so soft, so understanding, like he was a child that had just broken a mug and you were their father, telling them that it is okay and the world wouldn't burn down because of one broken mug. “Relax,” you continued to speak, his eyes snapped up, met yours and you couldn't hold back the sigh that escaped your lips as your eyes met his. Frustration and fear was visible in them and honestly, you understood his position, you had been there too. Of course it had been a while - quite a long while actually, but you had been there too. “I am fucking relaxed,” was his response as he tried to tighten the grip around your erection in order to jerk you off - yet his hand slipped away again. “Fuck- I-” you were quick to interrupt him, one hand came to rest on his knee, “We can stop, we don't-” “Fuck no, I'm not gonna stop.” Well that was certainly good to know, yet he didn't seem quite comfortable with the situation he was in, the exact opposite seemed to be the case - or was he just that nervous? Could it be?

You grabbed a hold of Adam's wrist, then guided his hand up and down by it. “Start slowly,” you hummed as you watched with delight how his hand moved up and down your shaft. While this was far from perfect, it was pretty good, better than using your own hand. The fact that it was Adam who was jerking you off added a lot of pleasure to the picture, it was always easier to get off when the person you fancied is the one doing the work. “I fucking know how to fucking jerk someone off, it’s not like I’ve never fucking done it,” he umbled, sounding slightly annoyed by you treating him like an inexperienced child - and while you certainly knew that, jerking yourself off and jerking your partner (or in this case someone else entirely) off were two completely different things to do. He knew how he liked it, he knew how he had to twist his own hand to cause pleasure to take over his body, he knew how fast and rough he liked it - he knew nothing about that when it came to you. So you let go of his wrist and watched as his hand slipped off your dick once again, frustation was written all over his face - fuck this was so . For that he had bragged about how fucking awesome he was in bed regardless the gender. He had said once or twice that he was certain he could pleasure a dude just as well as a chick, there was no big difference after all - his words, not yours. “Mhm, I can see,” you teased the first man with a soft chuckle, it wasn’t a big deal that he was nervous, you understood, you had been there too - that was a couple thousand years in the past, of course, but you had been there too. “Oh shut the fuck up,” he bit back - or well, at least he had intended to bite back, there was not a single bit of harshness in his voice though, if anything he sounded defeated. “This is not a competition, y’know? I’m not gonna go out of this and compare you to former experiences,” and in God’s mighty name, Adam truly didn’t know what he had done to deserve someone as patient and understanding as you. Because how? How could you stay so calm and collected yet looked so happy and pleased with the situation you were in while the brunette was going through one crisis after another? How was it possible for it to feel so right to have his hand wrapped around your erection and yet he felt so overwhelmed by it? Why couldn’t you simply yell at him for being a fuck-up? That way he could hate himself and you, but this way? This way the only person he could truly hate was himself. Because he wanted to pleasure you, wanted you to feel amazing, to come undone by his touch and voice and presence - simply by him and him alone. He wanted you to enjoy this, he didn’t want you, however, to guide him through this. But he knew that was part of the learning process. He had to learn what you liked and then he had to learn how to fulfill those desires of yours.

“This isn’t about how you have to be perfect,” your voice was filled with softness, Adam was sure at this point it was simply a warm, comforting blanket that you used to wrap around him in order to put his mind at ease. But it was, wasn’t it? Because who were to say you would fool around with him ever again if he wasn’t good? You’d either pleasure yourself or go and seek that somewhere else from someone else and that the first man really didn’t want. No way he wanted someone else to see how glorious you looked, drowning in lust and desire - he wanted to be the only one. His eyes seemed to be reflecting at least some of his wishes because your hand came up to cup his cheek and the second your warm, soothing palm made contact with his face - the gentle kind of contact, of course - he leaned into your touch like it was his second nature. “Lemme guide you, just this one time. Next time you can have all the control ya want.” The brunette’s eyes widened at your words, a promise for another time, “What?” You chuckled, clearly amused by his surprise, “You thought I’d let ya off the hook after I show you how I like my men?” Your men, your men, your men. Those words repeated in Adam’s head over and over again and while the logical part of him knew how you had meant it, the emotional side of him was going wild over your phrasing. Your men, your men, your men. He was your man - well, somehow that wasn’t wrong though, he was the one trying to get you off after all. His brain seemed to malfunction at the sheer thought of it, which caused another chuckle to bubble from your throat, “This won’t be a one-time-thing for as long as you don’t want it to remain a one-time-thing.”

Was that the right thing to say? Was it okay to offer more to him? You knew that one day you’d drown in this, one day the offer you had just made would backfire, would hurt you. It would crush your heart and leave a thousand little pieces, but right now you knew it was the closest you could get and you were willing to pay the price of ending up hurt in the future for as long as the present remained to feel so good, so pure, so fucking amazing. Adam pulled his hand from your dick, drawing a needy moan at the loss of friction from you, a grin stretched across his lips and a cocky, “Patience, babes,” followed quickly. The brunette wiped his hand off on the backsheets, getting rid of most of the sweat that had collected on the inside of his palm, then he went back to word and did as you had told him - he settled for a slower therefore firmer pace, and look at that, it worked. “Fuck,” you muttered underneath your breath as your head lulled backwards, exposing your throat to Adam and the first man wanted nothing more than to dive in and mark you up, he wanted everyone to see that you belonged to him, that he had claimed you as his and only his even though you didn’t know about that yet. But he didn’t. He wasn’t sure if that was a line he was allowed to cross, jerking you off and watching you fall apart by his hand was one thing, leaving marks that would stay for days was another level though. A level he had yet to reach. “Keep that- oh fucking shit, just like that,” you hummed as the first man twisted his hand experimentally and watched as your eyes slipped close. Pleasure was shooting through your veins and you made sure to be as vocal as possible about it to let him know he was doing a great job - directly praising Adam seemed like something that would scare the first man off, so you had to keep it subtle yet not hidden, he clearly needed the affirmation you offered him.

His movements became steadier, more confident and a little quicker as well, he was growing used to the feeling of having his hand wrapped around another dick and he loved to watch your face, he noticed the little details - how your eyes would squeeze shut whenever you were to moan for him, how your head twitched so slightly whenever he twisted his hand the right way. Adam had not known that someone could look this holy, like he had imagined you’d look absolutely heavenly falling apart underneath his touch, but the reality he was experiencing was so much better. Pride filled him as he felt you thrusting up into his touch - that meant he wasn’t completely fucking up which counted as a win in his book so far, yet he wanted to be better for you, he wanted you to remeber him as your best - not just any hook-up, his ego wouldn’t be able to handle that. He wouldn’t be able to handle that. “Talk to me,” you basically begged him with a needy whine and yet another thrust upwards and it took the brunette a moment to process your words and figure out what they were trying to tell him, then it clicked. Dirty talk. That would be the same as it is with chicks, right? “Look at the fucking dirty mess you are, fucking hell,” he breathed the words out as he leaned forwards, his lips were now gently brushing against your ear and he playfully tested the water by nibbling on your earlobe - a surprised yet not unpleasant gasp escaped your body, followed by a throaty groan and a harsh thrust of your hips, “More, please Adam.” And oh fuck, the brunette was sure he’d cream his fucking pants if you were to keep moaning his name like that. It was otherworldly, his name falling from your lips in the way they did, staining it, dirting it, and yet the first man couldn’t care less. His grip tightened a little, earning him a moan filled with pure desire and lust, to Adam it was music. “Keep it u- oh fuck,” the first man didn’t give you enough air to breathe, he had figured out how to move and twist his hand in order to get more of these delicious sounds to fall from your lips, he felt like you were an open book for him to read even though he basically knew nothing about your likes and dislikes yet. However, he planned on changing that in the future. For now, he wanted to make you cum. And his plan seemed to work out pretty well, because it was just a few moments later that you lifted your hips off the bed, your back hit the mattress as you fell backwards, exposing yourself to Adam in all your glory and the first man loved every single bit of it. “Close,” it was only a whisper, barely audible and the brunette had almost missed it - almost. He decided to try and quicken his pace a little, he swept his thumb over your slit, not only to tease you but also to use your pre-cum as lube - just how he had seen it in the demon porn he watched every now and then. The dudes that had fucked Angel Dust had made it all look so easy but now he knew better, it was hard word. But it was hard work he was willing to do if that meant he got to hear your soft cires and lusty moans.

And before his mind could even catch onto what was happening, your back was arching and hot white semen covered his hand and your stomach. You were breathing heavily and in amazement Adam watched as your chest rose and fell. “Fuck,” you muttered, your eyes were still closed as you tried your best to catch your breath, “Not fucking bad for your first time, big guy.” The grin on your lips was cocky, playful and definitely only there to tease Adam - he knew that. “Not fucking bad? I’d say I was pretty fucking amazing,” ah there it was his usual confidence. You had wondered where it had gone, it was good to know it was back. “Yeah, yeah, whatever you say,” you hummed and were about to turn around, yet the brunette stopped you by pinning your shoulders against the mattress, where the sudden return of his confidence came from he didn’t know, his body was on autopilot, he was done holding back. He had held back for too long and his body seemed pretty done with it. He looked down at you, your eyes met his as you opened them slowly. The first man was hovering above you, pinning you down firmly yet it wasn’t uncomfortable. “So?” you cockily asked, raising an eyebrow at the first man above you, “Are ya gonna kiss me now or what?”

[ask-postcrash-curly]

Man, you have gotta stop being so relatable.

Yelling has always been overwhelming to me, always makes me shutdown. Wasn’t even necessary cuz of trauma—I remember my mom once saying I’ve always reacted badly whenever people raised their voice or yelled at me, even when I was like, a toddler or something. That’s why she always tried to never yell at me… not that it worked. Cuz she had a lotta unresolved issues, and when things built up and her emotions boiled over, well… yeah. She didn’t yell at me often, barely ever, but each time it happened, well. Very unpleasant experience, as you can imagine. Of course, this made my issues with it even worse, and well. Yeah.

But anyway. Recent events have made me realize just how bad the issue is. I thought it was just yelling and raised voices that got to me, and it wasn’t that big a deal because people almost never get mad at me since I’m a very agreeable person, but. Lately it’s been causing problems. Turns out even if someone is being calm and reasonable when they’re confronting me and just wanna work things out… if there’s any way the tone can be perceived as aggressive even if the tone isn’t actually aggressive…for some reason my brain interprets it like an attack and just… idk it’s frustrating. Because I want to be able to just work things out with people like good functional adults and whatever but instead every time I gotta talk things out it’s this whole… agh. And like, I don’t want people to feel like they can’t confront me about stuff, y’know? I don’t wanna be the person who turns into a mess even when reasonably confronted about reasonable stuff. Confrontation can be good and healthy when everyone is being respectful and it’s just part of life but…idk.

Anyway. Sorry to dump all that on you. Hopefully I’ll be able to find a therapist that can help me with that. Haven’t found a good fit yet but… just gotta keep trying, I guess.

And…

Something about the way you say “be better than me” kinda bothers me. You’re not just some cautionary tale or tragedy, y’know? It was one thing when we all thought you’d be stuck on that ship forever. But… things are different now. You’re going home. And it’s not easy, things are still really tough, and the road to recovery is gonna be really hard and difficult, but… you’ve got your whole life ahead of you now. (I don’t care that you’re in your late 30s, you’ve still got so much many years left to live.)

You’re not just… some example of what not to be like, y’know? Over the months I’ve watched you get better and standing up for yourself and reflecting a lot and… even if it hasn’t exactly been linear, sometimes there’s setbacks but… you’ve still gotten better and you’ve grown as a person and stuff. Despite everything, you’re still trying.

So… don’t put yourself down. You can get better, I can get better, and we can inspire each other, yeah?

-🌃🌠🌌

Sorry...?

Ah. Yep. That's how it is.

Hmm... Maybe you've got a dissociation problem too? Can't say for sure, but hey, it might be worth checking out. It's frustrating, I get it. Would be wonderful if I could have a disagreement with one of you without feeling like I've catastrophically ruined things. (Exaggerating for effect, I'm fine.) Yeah, I... I admit I'm worried about becoming that person too. Gets to a point where the smallest sign of anger feels like a threat. Thanks for that, Jim. And I think you'll agree: That attitude causes problems more than it solves them.

C'mon. Don't apologize. I really don't mind. Best of luck with therapy.

...Oh. Didn't... didn't think of it that way, if I'm being real. Thank you. (What do you mean late thirties? I've been thirty-five for half a year, for fuck's sake.)

Mm... Thank you, again. Means a lot that you'd say that. I'm not... I'd rather others learn from my mistakes than not, though, you know? If I can... Not a cautionary tale, as you said, but if I can use what I have learned to help other people avoid the same path, I want to. Least I can do.

Hah. Yeah. Cheers to getting better together.

[my-castles-crumbling]

Anon Advice Asks - February 26

usaid anon, darling anon (new), runaway friend anon (new), hijabi anon, midnights anon

Usaid Anon

Hey cas its usaid anon.

So.. everyone in state just got an email to reply with 5 accomplishments they've made while working for state and i fthey don't reply it will be seen as a resignation.

I... what the fuck thats all im feeling right now

Okay as fucked up as this is, did you hear what people did? They completely spammed the e-mail. It's so funny.

_________

Darling anon

Thank you darling, for answering my asks, each time. I had too many anon names, and tried to solve a different problem with each. And you know, you never solved my problems, of course, you are just someone on screen. But whenever I write here, I seem to delay everything for a moment, and telling someone helps.

I'm glad I could help, even a little. Remember that you're safe to vent here, and I care about you. Also please think about asking for help irl. You deserve it.

________

runaway friend anon

hey cas, I hope you’re doing well.

Yesterday I was over at a friend’s dad’s house (divorced parents on her part) and everything seemed fine. I don’t go over to her house a lot but it is that. (We’re both15-16) sk everything seemed normal but today at school she told me she is running away from home. I asked her why, she said she had a fight with her dad after i left and there were hitting involved. Thankfully I didn’t see ant noticeable bruise on her but that’s still real bad. Tonight she is at her mum’s house but tomorrow she’s supposed to be over at his again and she told me she’ll find a motel something and I told her she isn’t doing any such thing and if she needs to come sleep over at mine for sure.

I told her to talk to her mum, so she can sleep at her house instead and stuff but her mum won’t be home until 3am and when she goes to school probably asleep too. when I told her that and said her mum seemed nice she mumbled ‘she’s not’ but i know she’s better than her dad.

I want to help her but don’t know what to do

its also a really really busy week in terms of essays and tests and its shit she has that too now.

I don’t really know what to do.

I’m assuming you probably need to know me information about the situation but idk what to give. her parents fucked her over before but never physically that I know of but acknowledge I don’t know everything.

I’m also afraid its my fault because it happened in the few hours after i left

I don’t know what to do

I have been struggling with my own mental health lately a lot and honestly don’t feel stable enough to be a rock for her and feel like shit for that. I will hopefully see her and talk to her tomorrow.

I’m so sorry to bother you<3 have a nice day.

Hi <3

First of all, this absolutely isn't your fault. You did nothing wrong and you absolutely could not have prevented this. HOWEVER, I think you need to tell an adult about this now. I know it sounds scary, and I know you might be worried about betraying your friend's confidences, but if her did is hurting her and she's considering making a dangerous decision, you need to tell an adult who has the power to help. This isn't something you can control, and you've done everything right so far- being there for your friend, offering her a place to stay, etc. Bringing in an adult is the next right step <3

_________

junior anon

Hii it's junior anon

so I did try to talk to my friend about it but she was like "Didn't I do the same for you?"

... How is that even remotely the same. You do way more for her. A camera??? Just because of that??? One time?? It happened to me multiple times and you just sat back and pretended to NOT NOTICE!! HOW IS THAT EVEN FAIR?? I'm not trying to compare but how is it fair. If I'm closer to her as she claims shouldn't she care at least a bit more?? Am I just not doing enough? (the you in this paragraph isn't directedat you /clarification)

But hey at least she's one of the few still here :))

so that's fine :)))

anyways thank you for taking time to read this, have an amazing day ahead <33

I'm so sorry <3 It's frustrating to feel like like your friend isnt validating your feelings. I think it might be time to spend some time with some other/new friends, then. It doesn't mean you have to dump this friend at all, just take some space.

Remember that no matter what happens, you deserve love and respect!

___________

Midnights anon

Hi Cas! It’s midnights anon

I just wanted to share that I had a good day today!

I’m 17 days clean (no sharp objects, no punching, no scratching)

I cut my screen time down today and I had such a good time!! I had raspberry yogurt with granola (that I mixed and prepared myself) and a left over taco for breakfast, and I had some fried eggs and sausages for lunch (which I also cooked myself!)!!

I read some Thoreau and a book I really like called “Finger exercises for poets”, studied some drawing anatomy (I drew a couple of REALLY good drawings and I’m super proud of myself) and listened to some of my records.

I discovered a new song I like, did all my Duolingo lessons, did my Bio, History, English, Math, and Greek homework

And I’ve been brushing my teeth twice a day and taking all my pills, so now my anemia, iron deficiency, and vitamin C deficiency are all getting better!!

I organized my photos on my laptop, anddddd

Yeah! I’m pretty happy. And it feels weird, and good.

Thank you for reading!!! :]

Wow, that's amazing! I hope you continue to have many good days like this! Remember if you have an occasional bad day though, more days like this good one will come!

_____

HIjabi Anon

Hiiii, Hijabi Anon again (that name is perfectly fine, by the way!). I was also the person who said I was going to my first concert yesterday, and it was so fun! I saw Cavetown and Mother Mother live, and it was life-changing (I bawled during This Is Home, lol).

I’ve decided that being in the closet isn’t that bad, to be honest. This may sound bad, but I’m thankful that I’m bi and not a lesbian. At least I’m attracted to men, so if I ever want to get married and fall in love while still keeping my family, I can just try to fall in love with a man.

Also, if I had ever thought of coming out, my cousin kind of ruined it for me. He was driving me to the mall with his sisters, and we got to talking. His younger sister mentioned how some middle schoolers in her school had already started being intimate, and she thought it was weird. Somehow, that turned into him talking about how, back when he was in high school, he saw two guys kissing and took it upon himself to beat them up badly. I was appalled and started arguing with him (obviously), but I had to toe the line between defending a queer person just existing and defending queer rights. The moment there’s even a suspicion that I’m an ally, I’m kind of screwed. So, my argument was just that he had no right to beat someone up for doing something in private (which they were—he was the one who barged into a locked bathroom). And even with that, I couldn’t win because he’s convinced queer people aren’t worthy of basic human decency.

I’m thankful I wasn’t alone because his other sister (not the one who first brought up the middle schoolers) was helping me defend them. She also took me to see Cavetown!! I know she’s an ally and not like the rest of our family, but I’m not out to her either. That whole argument put me on edge, and it really makes me scared. I’m sure he would never hurt me if I came out, but the fear is still there.

Hi!

I'm so sorry about what your cousin said/did. That's absolutely terrifying and I can see why you're scared. It's truly awful that people like this still exist. I'm so glad to hear that his sister helped defend you and the people he hurt.

I'm glad that you're in a mental place where you're comfortable with where you're at right now. I'm always here if you need to talk, and it sounds like your cousin (the one who took you to Cavetown) might be an amazing ally as well.

Sending love <3

[phanfictioncatalogue]

hellooo!! person who asked for 10k/longish fics w smut here! thank you so much for the recs, i don’t mind that it was too specific at all but i’d still love more recs if you’ve got em and if its not too much of a hassle!! <3 <3

No hassle at all. I’m on winter break and feel to be an expert on the ao3 filters. I haven’t read them all, but I trust the process. Anyway, here’s some more 10k-ish fics with smut. Mix of AUs and non-AUs though. Have fun my friend!

20/20 Vision Forward (The Laser Eye Surgery Fic) (ao3) - Merrydith

Summary: Phil thought about what he had said. The line he had just crossed. Now as Phil was looking into the red light and the doctor was putting the finishing touches on his eye, he thought about what he had done. Phil was getting a permanent procedure done, all because he didn’t want to leave Dan after they had sex.

Just friends his ass.

Bitter Blue (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: idk what this is, i just wanted masks and dancing and sparkling flutes of champagne and music. idk how it turned out to be this but. .. it happened.

Chicken (ao3) - philsdrill

Summary: Dan is worried that his social anxiety is going to mess up his job interview, but that becomes the least of his problems when he gets his vibrator stuck up his butt the night before.

If I'm a Saint, Then You're Heaven (ao3) - worriedpeach (skeletonflowers)

Summary: Phil is less than excited to start his Sex in the Bible course, but he can't bring himself to regret it when he meets a gorgeous angel dressed in all pink by the name of Dan.

I love him (ao3) - Misha_with_wings

Summary: Phil had hidden who he really was for such a long time that he was scared of people knowing the truth.

Luckily Dan comes into his life, making him feel safe and so extremely happy.

Dan makes Phil feel less scared to be himself, and he finally feels comfortable and ready to come out and show the real side of him.

No more fear, no more secrets, no more hiding.

i thought of angels (ao3) - deletable_bird

Summary: song fic based on just one yesterday by fob where there's angsty smut. Dan cheats on Phil and asks him for one last time and when he wakes up Phil is gone and there's a note saying goodbye. Dan is just reliving the past and wants him back but knows he messed up horribly. Preferably with Phil having a hidden Dom side.

like a heartbeat drives you mad (ao3) - lestered (clonetrobed)

Summary: Dan closes his eyes for a few breaths, then blinks them back open. “If you’d asked me that a year ago?” He bites his bottom lip and worries it between his teeth. “I’d have said yes for sure. But that sounds fucked up to me now.”

Phil lifts his eyebrows slightly. “What changed?”

The answer to that, Dan knows, is unsurprisingly simple. He swallows just to make sure he’s not choked up when he speaks.

“I met you.”

Never Stop (You Still Get My Heart Racing) (ao3) - phantasticworks (steddieworks)

Summary: Dan and Phil celebrate Dan's 29th birthday at home.

Opening Up to You (ao3) - auroraphilealis (peachrayne)

Summary: It’s October 31, 2009, and Dan and Phil aren’t together yet. Dan would very much so like to remedy this, if Phil will let him. And, well, maybe Dan is also ready to experience a sexual awakening.

The Human Requirement to Breathe (ao3) - philsdrill

Summary: It’s a difficult life for Dan. Being famous and recognisable isn’t easy when you’re walking through a crowd of people… especially when you’re claustrophobic. Phil runs a coffee shop and an unusual customer ends up meaning more to him than he ever expected.

We'll Make It Through (ao3) - MarriedPhan1234

Summary: A Homeschooled!Phan au where the boys must accept the fact that sometimes parents are just wrong.

You are Not Sleeping on The Goddamn Floor (ao3) - pepelovesme

Summary: Dan and Phil's 2009 meeting reimagined. Dan is curious, they talk sexuality. Smut ensues.

you are the choice i'll keep making (ao3) - maybeformepersonally

Summary: In a universe where soulmates travel forward in time once in their lifetime to be with their bonded and solidify their relationship, 23-year-old Phil jumps forward to 2019.

-Rae

[wetcatspellcaster]

In a very weird, but sweet way I feel like the Ascendent still lives on some how in Astarion. Not in a way that would make him a threat to fully come back out but I feel like his experience of the last decade and his love for Rosalie (even if it wasn’t healthy) shines through and he’s finally able to have the feelings again that have been impossible to have. I don’t know if that makes sense, but I like to think that he finally felt peace before being Wished out.

hey anon!

that's not weird, I entirely agree. the whole point of 'little love' being reclaimed in Chapter 26 - and the fact that I didn't have Wish undo Ascendency or turn him human, etc. - was that I wanted to have an ending to Pieces that combined both game endings. Bc I am god's specialest princess, and if I'm not going to give myself the exact story I want to consume, who is?

I don't think the Ascendent felt peace before being Wished out - he felt a lot of fear, in fact. But... that's kinda intentional. The Ascendent feared being entirely erased, which is why he never put his own soul into his own body - like Rose says: his problem was simple to resolve, if it wasn't for the level of fear involved. That's because the Ascendent is Astarion's survival instincts and trauma responses walking around and talking. Of course he wouldn't want to fix the problem, bc then he wouldn't need to exist anymore. Astarion wouldn't need those instincts. The trauma is resolved, thus the Ascendent *was* erased.

But on the flip side... for me, the actual truth of this kind of situation is, that letting go of your fight or flight after a period of recovery doesn't mean that part of you goes away. You carry it forward into everything you do. And that means you are correct, anon: the Ascendent 'died', but Astarion does in fact have part of him there with him.

Idk man, not to make everything I write about depression or anxiety or anything, but I remember when I got out of rock bottom, this new daunting arena of possibility opened up of: what will I be next? "Now I'm recovered, I have to make new goals for myself, and I have to decide what those are going to be." And I chose to give that dilemma and that decision paralysis to something that's literally scared to be anything other than what it is. I described the Ascendent multiple times as stagnant, frozen, etc... bc change is fucking scary, I made a monster that is literally incapable of it.

I view Astarion's personal quest as a choice between either getting locked into a cycle of trauma, or doing the scary thing to break free, even if what comes next isn't perfect and you have no guarantee it ever will be. The fact that in Pieces, Astarion didn't break free the first time that choice was offered, makes it harder for him to try a second time. The barriers feel even higher and even more impossible. Does that resonate with anyone who backslid after a period of depression, or didn't make it out the first time? Or is that just me?

anyway that's a bit of a ramble, but yea, he's both! If he was just spawn!Astarion characterisation by chapter 20 onwards, um... they'd have fucked so much quicker, i stg :')

[kogameh]

"Angelic Lullaby", aka the supposedly recurring song in AGKokoro

Uh, I figured making a Twitter thread on this would be annoying (word limit/format-wise) so let's talk about it here instead.

You see this page from the first prologue? Yeah. Notice them singing and the music notes around them?

The speech bubbles were supposed to have proper lyrics, written by me. But long story short, I was REALLY under a time crunch and couldn't write one by the time I started the lettering process so I ended up resorting to the "gibberish" text as seen above.

You might also notice some music notes on these two pages---they're intended to play the same music as the page shown earlier.

But obviously, it's difficult to know that by mere texts and images (of course lol), so I'm mentioning it here.

The point is; yes there IS intended to be a recurring song in AGKokoro. You can't hear it. But I HAD plans on making you hear it.

How?

And now the long story:

The initial plan was not only to have the music and lyrics but to release a completely vocalized song with a Vocaloid and even a lyrical MV/PV to go with it, lol. (Yeah I do fuck around with Vocaloids [the software] too if you don't know)

I DID commission the music (since no way I can learn composing within that short of a deadline lol) but the lack of lyrics is the entire reason why I couldn't proceed with the rest of my initial plans.

Unfortunately as my deadline approached fast, all of these ideas had to be canceled and I didn't want to half-ass on any of these so o)-(

So yeah, I ended up laser-focusing on the comic and scrapped the rest haha.

I really meant it when I said my intention in doing the first prologue chapter was showing an amalgamation of EVERYTHING my "useless piece of shit" self could do. out of spite :')

So... yeah! That's how we end up here!

In the end, I still haven't written the intended lyrics for the song. I DO want to get back to it someday and WILL update the pages with the intended lyrics at the very least, haha.

The song is meant to be plot-relevant so I really don't want to half-ass it and prefer the lyrics to sound, well, good, y'know? The only problem is just finding the time for it orz

***

BONUS:

While drafting the pages, I imagined the songs to be something along the lines of Tsubasa wo Daite, Meru's song or Ashita Kuru Hi lol. The commissioned music piece ended up pretty different compared to all of these but it still sounds AMAZING!!

Here's a preview of it if you want to idk, listen with the pages or something.

(It's composed by Enokido-san, thank you for doing my comm!!)

Here's the original artwork intended for the MV/PV. I don't like this art anymore (the anatomy sucks and why is the hair drawn like that) so I really need to draw something new if I end up redoing the PV :3c

"What makes me mention this?"

Apparently Webtoon can put music in their comics and I'm jealous of that but its Webtoon Creators program only so like hell I'm giving the rights of my OCs to them :////

"WHY all of this matters, if at all?"

Because uh, it WILL be mentioned again and it WILL be an important thing to Kureha's character and his....uh. what was his "misfortunes" in the plot again? idk

"WHERE did the music come from anyway?"

Oh you've seen these pocket watches? They're actually music box-inside-pocket-watch kinda thing! Pretty cool, right?

Wow idk if you've read through that but, congrats if you do! Because this WON'T be my last long rambling post about OCs (idk why I haven't done more of it aside from the fact I'll be talking to a wall 99.9% of the time lol)

ANYWAYS YOU CAN READ THE FIRST TWO PROLOGUES OF AGKOKORO HERE IF YOU HAVEN'T ALREADY

[endiness]

debunking some points in this article because they annoy me with their inaccuracies.

"Yen Tried to Sacrifice Ciri to Get Her Magic Back in Season 2"

just a reminder of what happened in this storyline as nobody seems to actually remember or straight up wasn't paying attention in the first place: yennefer finally gives in to voleth meir tempting her right before, for all intents and purposes, she is about to be dragged off to be executed. she agrees to voleth meir's deal not only to get her magic back but because she doesn't want to die. and what was the deal she made with voleth meir? it was to take a completely random girl whom she did not know to cintra. that's it. it was not to kill ciri. she did not even know who ciri was at the time. and then when she did meet ciri and learn who she was and who she was to geralt, she was conflicted about the deal she had made the entire time albeit she did obviously still go through with attempting to deliver to ciri to cintra. however, and this is important to note: she was also under voleth meir's influence the entire time and when ciri broke through that influence, yennefer warned ciri away from her. and then fastfoward to kaer morhen and yennefer literally sacrifices her life to save ciri. that's what happened.

"She didn't care who she had to hurt, including Ciri and therefore Geralt."

yennefer did care. she was conflicted about what she had agreed to after meeting ciri and learning who she was to geralt and everything. just because yennefer, while under voleth meir's influence, did still try to fulfill the deal does not mean she didn't care. (emotions and motives and actions can, actually, be complex. js!)

"Yen changes her mind at the last second and willingly sacrifices herself and her magic to save Ciri […] Many felt like her sudden change of heart came out of nowhere because she had no problem sacrificing Ciri for most of the season. "

just a reminder of the timeline: yennefer agrees to deliver a completely random girl whom she does not know to cintra at the end of 2x05; in 2x06, yennefer and ciri meet and start to bond and she and geralt reunite although yennefer does ultimately betray both of them at the end of the episode despite obviously being conflicted about it; yennefer and ciri continue to bond over the course of 2x07 which is the episode that ciri is able to break through voleth meir's influence over yennefer at which point yennefer warns ciri away from her which she is able to do as she's more in control of her faculties as, y'know, ciri broke through voleth meir's influence over her.

yennefer's actual betrayal of ciri and geralt lasted, basically, one episode. that's a strange definition of "most of the season." js. (also, yennefer sacrificing herself for ciri happened in 2x08 — after yennefer had already changed her mind, or rather was freed from voleth meir's influence, in 2x07. the more you know.)

"In Season 2, Yen's main goal revolved around getting her magic back."

i don't even want to get into how this is such an extreme simplification of yennefer's storyline and arc in s2 and how this doesn't even accurately reflect things anyway so, uh, instead i'm just leaving this line of dialogue here which, idk, might've been important: "Who are we when we can no longer do the one thing we were put on this Continent to do?" "We find a new purpose. A better one."

"Philippa arranges Vizimir's assassination, which is carried out by Eva. The reason that Philippa took such drastic measures is simple: a power grab."

yeah, that's not what happened. vizimir was fucking pissed that philippa and dijkstra lost radovid in the chaos of thanned and because of how their plan at thanned completely failed and blew up in their faces and how that made vizimir look weak. and he held philippa responsible for that with the implicit threat that his definition of "holding her accountable" meant executing her. on top of that, dijkstra — who is philippa's ally — was literally willing to fall on vizimir's sword (or rather, his own dagger) for her. even if it would inevitably end up gaining her more power which arguably could be part of why she had vizimir assassinated, like. she did absolutely kill vizimir to protect herself (and dijkstra.) whatever other benefits that came with it, that was absolutely the primary motive.

"After Vizimir began to lose faith in her abilities, he stripped her of some of her power. Since she was unable to capture Ciri, he turned to his younger brother, Radovid, to secure the princess instead. Philippa knew that if she killed Vizimir, Radovid would be made king, but Radovid wasn't nearly as competent as his brother. Philippa will have a much easier time controlling Radovid, giving her power over Redania."

i don't even know where to start with this lol because not only is this phrasing so misleading but it's also just not even accurate anyway. like, vizimir did entrust radovid with finding ciri after philippa and dijkstra had failed but that also happened at the very beginning of the season and that act didn't play any specific role in why philippa had vizimir assassinated. and philippa explicitly knows that there is something hidden beneath radovid's drunken, playboy mask and that he is much more competent than he seems. (plus, like, full offense. but how do you watch the season and come to the conclusion that radovid is not as competent as vizimir? like, come the fuck on lol.) the reason why philippa (and dijkstra) will have an easier time controlling radovid than they did vizimir is because radovid knows to be terrified of them — and is. vizimir wasn't. he didn't know how truly dangerous they are and the danger they posed to him. because he was incompetent.

"Originally, King Vizimir made a deal with Nilfgaard to hand Ciri over to them, but plans changed. Dijkstra, Vizimir's spymaster, wanted Vizimir to marry Ciri. Their marriage would give him control over Cintra, turning Redania into the most powerful kingdom. To ensure this course of action, Dijkstra and Philippa secretly had Vizimir's wife, Queen Hedwig, killed."

okay, no, this still isn't accurate. vizimir did make a plan with nilfgaard to hand ciri over to them, but the plan to marry ciri was what came first. like. that's why they were looking for her in the first place. and dijkstra and philippa had hedwig assassinated because, like with why philippa would eventually assassinate vizimir, they were losing control of the situation. they did not want to hand ciri over if they ever found her, especially as that would result in redania losing the claim they wanted over cintra, and they did not want redania to become allied with nilfgaard, either, hence why they also framed nilfgaard for hedwig's assassination. (and like, obvs they'd have hedwig assassinated if they did ever get their hands on ciri because they wanted vizimir to marry her and, well, vizimir couldn't exactly marry ciri if he was already married to hedwig. but those weren't the circumstances and that isn't what happened.)