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gumnut-logic · 2 years ago

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Dad (or Five times Alan’s brothers carried him to bed and one time they didn’t) (Part 3)

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

This is all @flyboytracy ‘s fault.:P ::hugs:: From this post

Many thanks to @katblu42 for the read through and advice ::hugs you lots:: And also thanks to @lockuptherain for the extra motivation today ::hugs lots too::

This fic has taken on a life all of it own. I have zero idea of what is happening next, but things keep happening, so I guess I’m just the typist.

Many, many thanks to you all for your wonderful support. First little bit might seem familiar as I wrote and posted it on Thursday, but the majority of these words are new.

I hope you enjoy it anyway ::hugs::

-o-o-o-

Alan woke alone.

John had obviously slept in the bed beside him, but was now gone.

And it was morning. The sun stabbing through not-quite-blackout curtains informed his retinas quite sharply.

Time to face the music.

Alan sighed as he rolled off the cloud that was John’s bed and stood up. The bedside clock confirmed it was well into the day. Well in enough that even Virgil was likely out of bed.

Assuming there wasn’t a rescue, he would likely have to face all his brothers, and Grandma…he sat back down on the bed and sighed, letting his head drop into his hands.

He was in so much trouble.

But he had done it all for reasons.

So many reasons.

He was in his pyjamas having snuck out of bed the night before. He could at least put some clothes on and face it all with some kind of dignity, couldn’t he?

He shook his head. He was so screwed.

How do you explain to four hero brothers that he just wanted to be part of it all? Wanted to feel close?

That he didn’t trust fate with the lives of those he loved because fate had proven it could take everything away in a single instance?

Yes, he’d seen the playback of what happened to their father. It was impossible not to. Though his brothers had tried. But with Scott watching it almost religiously every day early on, desperately trying to find a clue to what happened, it became impossible to ignore.

Of course, Virgil eventually blew up at Scott and what resulted from that was NOT FUN.

Did Alan believe his Dad was still alive?

He wanted to.

But.

It all hurt.

And it hurt even more to see his big brother fall into despair.

But that was now a long time ago.

Now things were different.

But he still missed his Dad.

And while his brothers weren’t his Dad, they were the closest he had.

Damn it. Why did he have to be so needy?

His anger sparked and fizzled almost immediately. Who was he kidding? Might as well just get it over and done with.

He made his way back to his own room, quietly creeping down the hallway. Stepping inside was both relief and despair.

He threw on a t-shirt, shorts and sandshoes, and grabbed an apple from his stash. Biting into crisp and juicy fruit triggered his thirst and he knew his first stop would be the kitchen.

Maybe he could make it through breakfast without a confrontation and then hide for the rest of the day?

It was childish, but being a teenager gave him the option of either kid or adult and he was going to use whichever worked best.

But in any case, his chances weren’t high and quickly dropped to zero as he approached the kitchen.

There was obviously some kind of family meeting going on downstairs. Virgil’s voice carried up to where Alan froze in the shadows of the stairwell.

“And how do you think isolating him even further is going to help? At least here he has us.”

“Does he? How many hours has he sat in the comms room watching us?” Scott’s voice was desperate. “We’re hurting him.”

“I don’t want to send him away.”

“Neither do I. But I’m failing to see any other solution.” The desperation had turned to sadness.

Alan’s heart dropped into the hangars far below.

“John, are you sure you can’t block him?” Now Virgil sounded desperate. “What’s to stop him from accessing Five from anywhere on the planet?”

“You saw his code, Virgil. He’s good. Very good.”

“Better than you?” Even Alan could hear the challenge in his heavy lifting brother.

“No.”

“Then block him. I want to keep him here.”

“Virgil, we all want to keep him here, but this isn’t about what we want.” Commander Tracy was in the room.

Commander Tracy was capable of decisions.

Hard decisions.

“I know that, Scott! I just don’t see how sending him away to boarding school will help in the slightest. Amongst strangers, watching us from afar. How the hell is that better?”

“Distance. Risk won’t be in his face every single day. He will get time to just be the teenager he needs to be. It will get him away from all this!”

Alan’s eyes widened. Boarding school? No!

“Grandma, this can’t be right!”

The sound of his grandmother’s voice broke his heart. “I’m sorry, Virgil, but it is for the best.”

It was decided then.

Alan’s shoulders dropped. The thought of leaving his brothers…all he had wanted was to feel closer and now they were pushing him away!

He was caught between fleeing and charging into the room and refusing to go. No one had even asked what he wanted!

He did appreciate Virgil’s attempt at a defence, but not even his medic brother could stand up to Grandma, much less little Alan himself.

Little.

He was always the little one.

Both fists tightening, he crept back up the few steps he had come down. They couldn’t send him away if they couldn’t find him.

The tiny John at the back of his head knew it was a fruitless attempt. His big brothers had all the technology at their fingertips, starting and likely ending with Thunderbird Five.

But maybe he could hide long enough for a rescue call to come in and then he would work out what to do next.

That whole jump off a cliff to avoid death thing Uncle Lee liked to rave on about. One problem at a time.

As if the word ‘problem’ was a summons, Alan ran around the corner, heading for the stairs to the residential level, and collided face-first with Gordon.

“Woah, Allie.” His fish brother caught him before he could fall over his own feet. “What’s got you cookin’?”

The genuine concern in Gordon’s eyes reached into Alan’s heart. Here was one brother he could count on. “I need a place to hide.”

Gordon blinked and arched an eyebrow. “Urgency?”

“Level One.”

That got his brother going. Level One was the upmost top tier of importance, up there with Island invasion and a Grandma bake off.

“Say nothing more, little bro.” Gordon’s eyes darted about. “Follow me.”

And they were running through the house and out through the backdoor. Gordon hit a path and they ran. Before Alan realised it, they were on the other side of the Island looking down at a churning ocean far below.

“This one is top secret, Allie. No spilling to the Commander, okay?”

“Can John find us?”

“Nope.”

“Why not?

“Because we are right under his nose.” Gordon led him down a steep incline and into a small copse of pokey trees covered in red blossoms. Apparently they were there to disguise a metal box. Gordon gestured to it as he walked past. “Sensor relay.”

Alan blinked. They were definitely in a no-go zone. Kayo would kill them if she knew they were near one of those.

But Gordon was right. Every sensor relay had a small blind spot in its peripheral.

As if reading Alan’s mind, Gordon darted around behind it and slithered through a crack in the cliff wall barely two handspans wide. His brother’s front and back scraped the walls on both sides as he disappeared into the darkness.

“Gordon?”

“It’s safe, Allie, c’mon in.”

Getting Kayo angry wasn’t on Alan’s ‘safe’ list. But then Gordon did defy physics in more ways than one.

Alan was desperate and Gordon was offering a possible solution, so taking a breath, he slid through the crack, thanking his slim build for once, and followed his big brother into what turned out to be a cave.

“Wow!”

Gordon had a lantern in one hand and it lit up ample space to stand in. It was little, but it was also set up as a home away from home. Two beds, a crate or two of supplies, even a portable entertainment unit.

Gordon caught him staring at it. “It’s off the network, but it has plenty of games and a copy of John’s library.”

“You copied John’s library?!”

“No, Virgil copied John’s library. I just borrowed it.”

“Gordon!” It was a good choice, but… “You set this up for both of us.”

“Well, yeah. We’re talking Level One here. Little bros gotta stick together, don’t we?” And he was grinning.

Alan didn’t think. Perhaps it was the sudden opposition of the rest of his brothers, but he grabbed Gordon in such a hug, his fish brother gasped.

Arms wrapped around him in surprise. “Hey, Allie, it’s okay.” A gentle squeeze. “You gonna tell me what rated Level One?”

Alan screwed his face up on Gordon’s shoulder. “They want to send me away.”

“What?!”

“Scott, Grandma, John, and…Virgil.”

Gordon pulled away a little and stared at him, eyes wide. “What?! Why?”

“They want to send me to boarding school for my own good.”

“Again, why?”

Alan bit his lip, all the emotion welling up in him. “I don’t want to go, Gordy. Please don’t make me go.”

Gordon stared at him a moment longer before pulling him close, hugging tight. “Don’t you worry, squirt, I’ll get them sorted.” A breath. “You stay here. There’s enough food and water for a week, if necessary, okay?”

“A week?!”

Gordon stepped back again. “Give me twenty-four hours. You’re not leaving us, you hear me, Allie. Over my dead body.”

A blink. “Okay.”

Gordon ruffled Alan’s hair. “That’s not how we say it, squirt.”

Hope rose in his chest and strangled his voice so it only came out in a whisper. “FAB.”

“That’s more like it.” A gentle squeeze of his arm. “I’ll be back. Go play Zombie Crusher. John had some extra levels on his version.”

“He did?”

“Have fun finding out.” And with that, his littlest big brother slid out of the cave, leaving Alan all by himself.

-o-o-o-

Alan was a Tracy. Beside ‘tracy’ in the dictionary was the word ‘brave’. In the Thesaurus it had, ‘determined’, ‘stubborn’ and ‘heroic’. In Alan’s school reports it was ‘tenacious’, ‘goodwilled’ and yeah, ‘stubborn’ was there too. So being alone wasn’t a big thing was it?

The day wore on. Alan built himself a bit of a blanket fort in the hidey-hole and hunkered down.

Unfortunately, in no book of any knowledge was the word ‘patient’ next to any Tracy, except perhaps in a hospital or an outpatient facility and there was Gordon’s ongoing medical history and…screw it. ‘Tracy’ came with ‘impatient’, ‘restless’ and the possibility of gnawing his own arm off in worry.

Sure, he was hidden. He trusted Gordon. But what about Scott and Virgil and John? Grandma? They would worry. He didn’t want to upset them.

But the alternative was to go to boarding school. He didn’t want to go to boarding school. He liked his remote teacher. He’d known Ms Kent for such a long time and she understood him. He trusted her. She knew his family and the unique issues that presented.

Gordon would speak to Scott.

The truth was, Gordon would probably end up yelling at Scott. His fish brother often clashed with his biggest brother and the result was always loud.

Maybe he should go back. He didn’t like his brothers arguing.

But he didn’t want to go to boarding school either.

As the sun set, and the small crack of light shining into the cave dimmed to orange and faded, Alan suddenly realised that he was alone on the other side of the Island at night.

Sure he wasn’t afraid. Gordon wouldn’t have left him here if it was dangerous.

Would he?

And no, there were no predators on Tracy Island. There was nothing to be scared of. Gordon knew where he was.

Distraction proved difficult and if he was honest, on the scale of kid to adult, he was leaning heavily on the kid side at the moment. But he was also angry. Why did they do this to him? Why did they want to send him away?

Eventually it got late and despite his anxiety regarding…well…everything, it had been a stressful day and he was tired.

Nestled up in a swath of blankets and pillows, he drifted off to sleep.

-o-o-o-

A harsh whisper. “Gordon!”

“It’s not my fault you eat too much.”

“Don’t push it, Fish. You’re lucky Scott was called out.” Virgil’s voice was angry and worried. “Ow.” A grunt and a tearing sound.

A hiss. “Scott’s lucky he was called out.”

Scuffing boots and a light flickered over Alan’s eyelids.

“Where is he?” Whispered baritone worry.

“Oooh, he’s built himself a blanket fort. Think you can fit in there, Virg?”

“Shut it, Gordon.”

Alan heard the blankets pulled off his little haven, but kept his eyes closed and faked sleep.

A heavy body landed beside him and he could feel his medic brother’s eyes on him.

The briefest of touches on his arm. “Allie?”

He opened an eye. “Virgil?”

He didn’t know what to expect. Anger? Worry? Both? But being smothered in flannel wasn’t it. Strong arms wrapped around him and scooped him off the pillows. “Allie, thank god.” Virgil was clinging to him as if he had lost him or something.

Oh.

Oh, hell, he was more dead than he thought.

“I told you he was safe.”

Those arms tightened momentarily. “You and I need to have a discussion on the definition of safe.”

Alan frowned, his foggy mind slowly putting pieces together. “Not Gordon’s fault.”

Virgil pulled back a little and the dim light shone shadows into lines of worry on his face. “Blame will be discussed later. Once you are safe at home.”

Oh, so dead.

Virgil didn’t let go off Alan as he stood up. Didn’t appear to want to. But as he turned towards the thin crack of an entrance, he put Alan down onto his own two feet.

But he grabbed a hand instead and led Alan, still half asleep, through the crack.

But it was obvious that Virgil was not a great fit and it took quite some force, a few flying buttons and another grunt to get through.

This time Gordon didn’t say a thing.

Outside of the cave, the moon was full and shining through the trees.

“You okay, Virg.” Gordon’s question was not smart ass this time.

“Fine. Hold the flashlight so we can see our way out of here.”

“Sure.”

And to Alan’s surprise, he was lifted off his feet and into Virgil’s arms again.

“I can walk.”

A grunt was his only answer as Gordon shone the light and Virgil carried him up the mountain path.

There was fear, worry and the knowledge that he had likely made everything worse. But Gordon said he would stand up for him. Virgil had tried earlier.

Regardless, flannel was warm and his brother’s walking pace rhythmic. Alan loved his family and he knew they loved him. They wouldn’t send him away would they?

“You’re not going anywhere, Allie, don’t worry.” The rumble came from the chest his body was resting against and as he looked up, Virgil’s dark eyes sparkled in the moonlight.

Alan tightened his hold on his brother and hugged him with everything he had.

Those arms held him even tighter.

As the lights of the villa appeared, Alan curled up against flannel, closed his eyes, and clung to the moment. There were going to be arguments and he was likely in a pile of trouble, but right now?

All he felt was loved.

-o-o-o-

Part 4 - Bit 1

#thunderbirds are go #thunderbirds #thunderbirds fanfiction #Alan Tracy #Gordon Tracy #Virgil Tracy #nuttyfic #flyboytracy's fault

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heloisedaphnebrightmore · 3 years ago

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Will you accept me? [Loki Laufeyson x Reader]

Title: Will you accept me? Pairing: Loki Laufeyson x Avenger!Female!Reader Word count: 4.1k Published: 19 May 2021 Author: Heloise Daphne Brightmore Notes: Firstly, this is my first ever Marvel fic, so go easy on me. Secondly, Infinity War and Endgame didn't happen in this house. I accept none of that. Summary: [x] In the past three years you’ve been trying refrain yourself from murdering the mischievous God, or so you have been telling yourself that. Your little game with Loki has been driving you crazy and if that wasn’t enough, you had to admit that a part of you enjoyed his company, regardless of how much you tried to hate him.

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Loki Laufeyson was nothing, but a mischievous little boy stuck in a man’s body. His mere presence lit a raging fire within you, wanting to remove that smug grin across his face. God of mischief they said countless times in the past three years, but you could only see a man who found enjoyment in dancing on your nerves.

The first time you met him, it became very clear to you that there would be no boring moments around the man, so when he left earth, you finally felt like you could breathe again as if all your frustration disappeared into thin air. You had nothing against Thor, but you wished he would just stay in one of his many realms and leave Earth forever. Of course, it had nothing to do with him per se, as far as you were concerned Thor could have stayed on Earth and it wouldn’t have bothered you. But Loki was brought along like an unwanted package, making your life miserable as though you were his little toy. So, each time Thor returned to Earth, you didn’t feel like welcoming the God of Thunder because his lap dog was attached to his hips.

As to why Tony Stark decided to give him a place to sleep in the compound, you didn’t understand, after all Loki had tried to wipe out your planet. Tony was one of those who hated Loki the most, but somewhere along the line, as though he had gone mad, he decided to give him a second chance. So, for the past 3 years you have been trying to refrain yourself from carving Loki’s eyes out, from trying to stab him in his sleep when he stayed longer than he should have. It took you a great deal of effort not to murder him in his sleep.

It doesn’t mean you haven’t tried. Oh, you did indeed. Although it took you two years to get to a point where you couldn’t handle him anymore.

One night, feeling brave or reckless, whichever is a more reasonable statement, you snuck into his room, rage building up inside you, wanting to end his miserable life. Oh, but you were naive. As you swung your dagger, stabbing it straight into his chest, it went straight through his bedding set, the astral projection of his body disappearing.

“My sly little vixen, did you really think I would make myself so vulnerable?” He asked as you looked over your shoulder, his dark form seated in the corner of his room. A proud smirk was plastered across his face, his smug smile lit by the lights towering over the large building on the outside, carefully finding their way through the blinds. “But regardless of your intent on taking my life, I’m rather pleased with your bravery,” he chuckled as he stood up and walked over to you, earning a loud groan from you as you held your dagger to his chest, this time feeling his flesh under the edge of the blade.

“I could kill you now,” you hissed through gritted teeth.

He leaned closer, his mouth right beside your ear, his cold lips brushing against your earlobe. “I dare you to,” he whispered into your ear, his hushed voice sending electricity through your spine, making your breath hitch. “I’m waiting, my little vixen,” he smirked. Although you couldn’t see it, you didn’t need to, you could read his tone, his body language, the little games he was playing. He found enjoyment in riling you up and you fell victim to him. He leaned back to be able to look in your eyes, his signature smile still plastered across his face. “You see, I understand that rage within you, feeling exhausted from our little games, but that’s only the surface. If you dig just a little deeper, you will find that even if it’s only a tiny part of your fragile mortal body, but it craves that attention, it enjoys our games. You can deny, oh you have been doing that for the past two years, but a part of you, a part that’s honest and dares to accept the truth knows that I’m right.”

A part of you wanted to argue and push the dagger further into his chest, wishing to watch his gaze become glassy, his soul moving onto Hel or Valhalla, though the latter seemed unlikely. But even against all his manipulation and tactical little games, always steps ahead of you, it was clear even to you that he was right. A part of you, even if it was hard to accept, found your shared games somewhat amusing. But you couldn’t say it out loud, you couldn’t agree with him. It would have broken the spell, the core of your entertainment. It was fun only because you never accepted to enjoy it. If you ever voiced the truth, it would have ended it all.

“You wish,” you hissed through gritted teeth as you dropped your arm beside your body. “I will have many other chances and when you expect it the least, that’s when I will be giving you a chance to go back to wherever the hell you came from,” your lips formed a thin line, your gaze holding determination. Those were the words you said aloud, but nothing like the ones you thought of. “Watch your back, Loki,” you whispered into his ear, before you headed towards the door, ready to scold yourself for the night in hopes of regaining your sanity.

“Good night, darling,” he chuckled silently as you stepped out of his room, shutting the door behind you with a loud thud. You couldn’t care less about who could have heard it, as fun as your little games were, they were also playing with your mind, leaving you flustered and frustrated. Loki affected you in many ways from your body to your mind, physically and mentally. You hated it, but at the same time, a part of you enjoyed it.

You tried to shake off the memory, but some of your encounters often appeared in your mind at the most unwanted times, as though a part of you missed him already. It’s only been months since he has left with Thor again, but since then life seemed somewhat boring. Although it was refreshing to focus solely on your duties as an Avenger and work hard for your people, but at times it felt as though there was a lack of something in you, a tiny part of emptiness.

Leaning back against the sofa, you continued to clean your guns. It was a small task that you could have entrusted F.R.I.D.A.Y. with, but this little chore brought you a sense of familiarity, a calming sensation in the midst of your storming thoughts.

“My dearest, why do you look so upset?” You heard his voice, but you didn’t look up, knowing it wasn’t reality. Another little game that your mind started to play with you, making you feel as though you were going insane. “Have I made you mad?” He chuckled playfully. You lifted your head, eyes growing wide as realisation hit you. He was indeed there. He was standing right beside Thor, wearing a smug grin, your presence seemingly bringing enjoyment to him. A part of you wanted to smile, mirror his expression, but instead you chose to play his game and rolled your eyes.

“Yes, you have. The day you decided to appear on this goddamn planet,” you groaned, concentrating back on your gun, cleaning it with a dirty cloth. Those words that left your lips weren’t the ones you wished to say. But you were afraid, terrified of being honest. You knew as soon as you admitted enjoying his company, he would stomp all over you as though you were a mere bug on the ground. A useless piece of life that he had no gain in caring for. So, you bit your tongue and played along.

“Now, now, my dear, that’s not a nice way to welcome a guest,” he smirked, raising a brow quizzically, finding your tone amusing.

“You are no guest to me,” you huffed as you placed your gun back in one piece. “You are nothing but an itch on my back, a fly circling around me, an annoying presence that I can’t seem to get rid of,” you lifted your head, meeting his emerald-green irises, their colour even brighter than you remembered. His gaze felt as though it was burning you up from the inside, your unrhythmic breathing drying your lips, your heart taking on a dangerous pace.

“Why, thank you,” his smile didn’t falter if anything it grew. “I must be doing something right if you can’t get rid of me,” he chuckled with a playful glint in his eyes. “Tell me, do you think of me often? Do you find yourself remembering all those memories we had the pleasure of spending time together?” He leaned closer, placing his hand on the small of your back, his touch making you shiver, his cold lips brushing against your ear, just like on that particular night you could never forget. “Do you think of me before you go to bed, maybe whilst you are in the shower?” He leaned back with a smug grin still painted across his face. “Or perhaps as soon as you wake up, your first thoughts are occupied by your memories of me? If I’m that hard to get rid of, I’m terribly proud of myself,” he chuckled as he let go of you and stood up. “Well, unfortunately I have to leave, but as always it’s been a pleasure meeting you,” he watched you with an intense gaze as he licked across his bottom lip, before he turned away and joined his brother.

As soon as he was out the door, you had sunk deep into the soft couch, planning a way to clear your head, because you weren’t sure how long you could play Loki’s games before you were declared completely insane. A small part of you just wanted to be honest and tell him how you really felt that indeed you enjoyed his company, that there were more to your feelings than simple entertainment, but a larger part of you knew if that ever happened, Loki would be long gone before a surprised gasp could even escape your lips.

To avert your thoughts, you decided to head to the training room and beat some sense into yourself. Trying to get rid of your frustration meant your body needed to tire out, so for hours you kept hitting and kicking the punching bags, imagining one particular person in its place. You hated him, you despised him, or so you tried to tell yourself, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Your feelings were indeed strong, but not of hatred, rather some sort of an attraction that you couldn’t really explain because you convinced yourself that hating him would be the logical decision, regardless of your feelings not matching your thoughts.

Time flew by quickly and before you knew it, the sun had gone down, and darkness ruled over the sky. You headed back to your room, taking a hot shower to clear your mind before you decided to grab a bottle of wine from Tony’s collection and drown yourself in your toxic thoughts. There was no escape, you might as well just give in, at least that’s how you thought.

You leaned against the kitchen counter as you opened the bottle of wine. Ignoring formalities, you didn’t take out a glass to pour yourself from the liquid, you placed it straight to your lips and chugged as much as you could, hoping it would silence your thoughts.

“Darling, you seem to be troubled,” you heard his voice, a sharp exhale leaving your lungs as you turned in his direction. He was leaning against the doorframe, wearing a small smile that you haven’t seen much of. It was usually smug or playful, but in that moment, the expression across his face just seemed soft.

“I wasn’t until you arrived,” you rolled your eyes, taking another long sip of your alcohol, trying to numb your mind.

“Shall I help you relax?” His face changed into his usually smug grin as though he was planning something.

“I think I can manage. As a mischievous God you would just cause more trouble than you could possibly help,” you huffed, knowing he always had a plan a, b, c, the whole alphabet and beyond.

“I’m not a mischievous God, I’m the God of Mischief,” he corrected you with a momentary surprise before he regained his composure.

“Same difference,” you shrugged nonchalantly, earning a silent chuckle from the man.

“If that makes you feel any better, call me whatever you want,” he stepped closer to you, stopping right in front of you as you took another sip of your drink. You watched his green eyes staring at you shamelessly, studying your face as though he was trying to read you.

“Can you stop staring?” You asked with a questioningly raised brow, but it only earned a silent chuckle from the man.

“No, I don’t wish to,” he replied as he stepped closer and with a swift movement, he turned you around. Your head shot back around over your shoulder as you met his playful gaze. “I mean no harm,” he meant to relax you, but you didn’t trust him, nor did you trust yourself in his presence. His cold fingers caused goosebumps on your neck, making you slightly shiver as he brushed your hair to one side and placed his palms on your shoulders, slowly massaging the tense muscles. You gasped at the feeling, the idea of a god massaging you felt unearthly.

“What are you doing?” You asked cautiously, although the feeling of his fingers on your skin made you feel weak in your knees, his breath fanning your skin making your heartbeat speed up. A part of you just wanted to lean into his touch and enjoy the moment.

“I’m helping you relax,” he whispered in your ear as you realised you were completely devoured by his presence. You couldn’t even recall when he leaned so close to you, you could only focus on his cold touch burning your skin.

“Why would you do that?” You questioned his intentions, a silent gasp leaving your lips as he found a tender point.

“Do I always have to have an ulterior motive?” He asked, but you could hear the proud smile in his tone. You turned back around, a deadpan look across your face, his touch leaving your skin.

“Do you really want me to answer that?” You asked, squinting suspiciously.

“Fine, I’m often motivated by certain ideas, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be genuinely helpful,” he tried to convince you, but you shook your head.

“Loki, what do you want?” you tried to just finish the conversation to drown yourself in your bottle of wine.

“How long has it been?” He asked, earning a confused frown from you.

“What are you talking about?” You tried to take a step back, but the kitchen counter stopped your movements.

“How long have you been pretending to hate me when in fact you know it couldn’t be farther from the truth?” His face fell serious, his previously playful expression long gone.

“I haven’t been pretending. It’s not my fault that you think it’s a game. I hate you and I think I made myself very clear from the first time we met,” you attempted to convince him, but his smile returned even wider than before.

“Still adamant I see,” he scoffed as he stepped closer, his arms caging you against the furniture behind you, his face getting closer to yours, only leaving just enough space for you to be able to breath. “So, you mean to tell me that my presence doesn’t affect you in any other way, it only brings you hatred?” He asked as his gaze wandered down to your lips, watching them intensely as though he was an animal wanting to catch his prey. Your breath hitched as his arm wrapped around your waist and pulled you against his chest, a silent gasp leaving your lips as you shivered in his cold touch, still your skin burned feverishly.

“That— that’s right,” you stumbled through your words, your own confidence leaving you vulnerable.

“For once, be honest with me, dear and accept that you enjoy my company,” he whispered against your lips, your mind feeling dizzy, incapable of forming a simple, coherent sentence.

“I— That’s not— I hate you,” you finally composed yourself and pushed him away from yourself.

“Why can’t you just accept it?” He asked, this time more serious than before. “Why is it so hard for you to be honest with yourself?”

“Says you, who can’t be trusted even when you ask a question? Oh, please, Loki, you should know better,” you huffed as you folded your arms in front of your chest. “You say I should accept that I like being around you, that I don’t hate you as much as I say so. But why would I do that?” You asked as you walked up to him this time, standing in front of him sternly. “Let’s say, hypothetically of course, that indeed I don’t hate you per se and a part of me might enjoy being around you from time to time. If that was true, why would it be beneficial for me to accept it? I know you Loki and if I was to agree and say you were right, you would walk all over me and disappear faster than I could take a breath,” you huffed as you shook your head.

“Well, my little vixen, hypothetically speaking,” he started in a humorous tone, “if you stopped acting like you have no feelings for me and finally accepted that your hatred might not even be hatred but something more, we could actually break down this wall between us that you so carefully built and we could enjoy being in each other’s company,” he explained as though it was the most natural thing.

“Loki, you can’t possibly believe your own words,” you scoffed, earning a surprised expression from the man, your resistance catching him off guard.

“And why is that?” He asked curiously.

“The only reason you enjoy playing around with me is because I behave the way I do. In reality, nothing is black and white and so if I was to hypothetically enjoy your company, that means there would be disagreements, there would be fights, there would be emotions and Loki, let’s be honest, you find it even harder to trust people than I do and as soon as things would turn serious, you’d run,” you explained your worries. Even though the conversation was supposed to be theoretical, both of you spoke the truth, but the lack of trust hung high in the air.

“If that was my intention, I would have run a long time ago. I had the option to do so many times before, but I’m still here, am I not?” He asked as he brushed a piece of hair from your face behind your ears, his touch sending electricity through your body.

“I just feel like I can’t trust you,” you shook your head, letting your face fall forward, massaging the bridge of your nose, before you lifted your gaze again “I feel like if hypothetically speaking of course, I accept that there’s more to it than simple hatred, it will end in my feelings stomped on and my heart crushed into piece and I’m not naive enough to let that happen,” you tried to reason with him, but in reality you were trying to convince yourself why not to put your trust in him.

“I have to admit, I would have done so, years ago that is, but the one who I am now wants nothing more than to claim you mine,” he spoke in an endearing tone, his voice serious, but somewhat caring, unlike his usually cocky personality. Your eyes widened at the confession, his words ones you never thought you would ever hear from someone like him. “If it was someone else, I wouldn’t care what happens to them, I’m not a saint after all, but with you it’s different. You are my sly little vixen, my other half and nothing and no one can change that, only you if you wish to of course,” his voice was barely a whisper as he spoke, his words making you feel uncertain about what to do. Your mind and your heart battled against each other, confusing you further. “Will you accept me finally?” He asked with an expectant expression.

“I have been trying to stop myself from murdering you for the past three years, it’s not as simple,” you tried to argue, but the words leaving your lips were more to convince yourself.

“Well, that is very romantic,” he replied with a low chuckle as you mirrored his expression. “That’s a good start,” he pointed out the smile across your face. “I’m not saying it will be easy, nor do I see it will be perfect, but isn’t it worth a try?” As much as you wanted to argue, he was right. If you didn’t accept your feelings, it would forever be a ‘what if’ stuck in your head and deep down you knew you wanted to see where you two could go from there.

You stepped closer to him, placing your hands on his chest to balance yourself, or so that was the plan, but as soon as you touched him, your hands went through his body, his astral body disappearing. “Loki!” You raised your voice in a warning tone, your deadly gaze looking for the man, his silent chuckle coming from behind you. You turned around in a swift motion, hitting him across the chest with gritted teeth both out of frustration and testing if it was his real self this time.

“I’m so sorry, love, I wasn’t sure how you would react, you can be rather unpredictable at times, so I had to have a backup plan,” he tried to explain himself, piling up excuses upon excuses. “But now that we are on the same page, we could get back to what you were trying to do. Did you want to kiss me? It looked like you were about to kiss me. Shall we try again?” He smirked proudly as he stepped closer and wrapped his strong arms around you. You tried to resist, attempting to push him away from your body, but his strength was unearthly, you didn’t stand much of a chance.

“Not happening. That was your one and only time to see a weaker side of mine. I don’t even believe what you ask anymore. I hate you, Loki!” You groaned, trying to get out of his hold.

“No, you don’t,” he replied with a smug grin across his face, dipping his head down to your level, but he didn’t move any closer. Your breath stuck in your lungs, your gaze fixed on his lips, however you tried to battle against your heart, your reasonable thoughts flew out the window as soon as Loki closed the gap between the two of you. His cold lips touched yours, sending a shiver across your spine, thousands of butterflies awakening in your stomach. Could you have resisted? Yes, if you really wanted to. But deep down you were craving for him and when his lips met yours, you melted into his arms and bathed in the physical pleasure his arms around you provided, the feel of his touch on your skin burning, a long-awaited connection bonding the two of you. As you finally parted, you gazed up into his green eyes, a loving look painted across his face.

“I still hate you though,” you added with a mischievous smile, as he mirrored yours.

“You really should watch that tongue of yours,” he warned you as his gaze fell on your lips.

“Why don’t you watch it for me?” You asked with an inviting tone and without a second thought Loki captured your lips again. It was hard to believe that he was holding you in his arms, but you chose to trust him and even though you knew there would be difficulties with the God of Mischief, a proud man being your other half, but not for a second did you think about taking a step back. It just felt right.

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measurelessdreamer · 5 years ago

Text

New Olivarry fic!

The impossible happened and I managed to write (probably) my last Olivarry fic and I’m actually proud of myself XD If you want, feel free to read it here or down below! <3

Coffee Beans And Cakes, It's You For Whom My Heart Aches

Summary: Barry Allen thought he was done with love. He had missed out all his chances and if love was supposed to be only unrequited in his case, then what the hell was the point? So he filled his life with routines and small pleasures to keep himself going and convince himself he was okay. He hadn't anticipated one of those routines would eventually sabotage him and turn his whole life around, but sometimes you just need to live in a lie for a while to be able to see the truth. Barry learned that the hard way.

Relationships: Barry Allen/Oliver Queen

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - No Powers, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, First Meetings, Friends to Lovers, First Kiss, Love Confessions, Slow Burn

Words: 13268

It was three o'clock in the afternoon when Barry finally turned off his computer and hurried out of his lab, waving both Joe and Eddie with a smile, silently dodging their offers to accompany him which they both knew were fruitless to ask. It was his habit to stop by Jitters for his favorite kind of coffee and spend a few minutes in solitude just sipping and relishing the bittersweet taste he knew so well and today was no different. Being already twenty-nine, it was only normal to have his life filled with small routines like this that ultimately were the sole reason why he was able to be himself and not just some kind of zombie, struggling to see the point in waking up in the morning. Don't get him wrong. Sometimes, days got rough and he was on the zombie spectrum more than he would actually like, but when that happened, it was small pleasures like this that got him back to smiling and simply enjoying what he was supposed to no matter how much other people considered it crucial.

Nothing new ever happened during his afternoon visits to Jitters. He just loved that where people were usually swarming inside like bees in their hives he could have a peaceful time and think. It was liberating in ways not many people would understand but he didn't care. He just knew he wouldn't change this routine for anything. As hectic as his life sometimes was, this was something he wanted to keep intact no matter what. Too bad destiny had other ideas.

As expected, there were only a few people inside. One man was standing by the cash register, strikingly aggravated by the debate he was having with the barista, which Barry supposed looked more like an argument despite how the man, probably in his thirties, was trying to stay calm. Barry moved to stand a few feet next to him in a queue he just created, patiently waiting for his turn. He absolutely didn't mean to eavesdrop, his parents and Joe had raised him better than that, but he was standing right there and it wasn't his fault the man was apparently losing his patience and raising his voice as the result. Besides, he couldn't simply leave his spot unless he decided to skip the coffee and go home, which in his mind was not an option. Not even some uptight customer would change that, thank you very much.

So he just stood there and listened because what else was really there to do?

"Sir, I apologize, but I've already told you that this cake is reserved for the couple’s menu only. Feel free to choose any other, though. Surely we can come to an agreement we'll both like," the female barista said, doing her utmost best to remain as polite as possible even though Barry could see her resolve was on the brink of despair.

"I don't want any other cake," the man stated. "It's my son's favorite, always has been. We have it every time we're here. It never was 'reserved for a couple’s menu only' before so why now?"

"It's our policy to include some desserts for only specific types of menus and I'm sorry, but I don't make these rules."

"I understand, but can't you make an exception just this once? You'll get your money either way. Besides, it's not like this place is filled with people fighting for this particular cake and you're gonna close soon anyway."

"I'm afraid there's nothing I can do, sir," the barista sighed and looked genuinely sorry and annoyed by this stupid policy too, but her hands were tied. Her boss probably wasn't one of the kindest people on this planet.

"Of course," the man scoffed. "It's funny, though. Not sure when exactly love of couples started being more important than love for your own damn child." The venom behind those words was borderline outrageous, even more, when Barry noticed how it made the barista slump her shoulders in defeat and shame, but it was probably the thing that caused Barry's life to change so radically that day. While everyone else would most likely judge the man for being too harsh on the woman, Barry focused on this customer's reasoning and intentions that were definitely meant to be good and decided to help out. That was how he'd been raised after all.

"Actually," he spoke, causing the barista to look at him, "he's here with me." What happened next was downright comical as the man literally froze mere inches before the exit door and spun around to gape, unabashed, at this man he'd never seen before, claiming they were a couple.

As tempted as Barry was to burst out laughing on spot, he formed a smile and turned to the barista that was staring him down skeptically. She wasn't stupid. Of course it was obvious he didn't know the man that just made his way back to them, still gaping at him, but then again, it wasn't like they needed some license or document to show they were dating. They just needed to convince her to either believe them or take pity on them. Whichever came first.

"I'm sorry about him," he started again, motioning to the man next to him. "He's not much of a people person, but he means well."

"And he's your boyfriend," the woman summarized, not buying a single word, and glanced at the other man. "Why didn't you say so before? You must have noticed him coming here."

"We usually keep it quiet. He's a bit shy, you know?" Barry clarified, letting his eyes fall on the man and locking them with his on instinct, suddenly finding it nearly impossible to look anywhere else besides the magnificent shade of blue boring into his. He almost forgot he was supposed to make sure the barista bought his little act. "Darling, I told you, you should've waited for me. We would've solved this together and spared your nerves. As much as I like the grey strands in your hair, smiling suits you better."

At this comment, the man openly glared at him, but his eyes, those incredibly pretty eyes, were glinting with amusement that kept Barry's smile intact without him even putting real effort in it.

"I was waiting for you," the man joined in. "for full ten minutes even. It's not my fault you're always late, honey."

"Seems that supertardiness is one of my powers. Glad it didn't stop you from falling in love with me."

"Believe me, I'm questioning myself about this all the time," the man teased and smirked.

Barry couldn't contain the small chuckle escaping his lips and the absolute wonder that this whole charade was going so well despite them having no clue who the other person was. Barry was too old to believe in fairytales, but part of him never stopped being a dreamer. It was probably why this connection between him and the blue-eyed stranger seemed to be almost magical like it wasn't just random luck but a plan in the grand scheme of things. But that was just silly and he was the fool for imagining otherwise when he was probably the only one feeling this.

Once he couldn't face these thoughts without breaking off his act of a loving boyfriend, he glanced at the barista and found her looking at them with an odd expression. Some sort of mixture of amusement and intrigue, probably, but then again he was only skilled in reading criminals per se, so he could be wrong. He put the question of figuring it out later to the back of his mind before he broke the silence that was on the brink of becoming awkward. "Could we have the couple’s menu, please?"

The woman snapped out of whatever trance she was in and beamed at them without any trace of her previous embarrassment intact, taking in their coffee orders and asking for their names, for which Barry was more grateful than ever since it was the most subtle way of finding out who the man was he could hope for.

"Barry." "Oliver." They both said at the exact same time, momentarily stunning the whole party. Barry's eyes once again met Oliver's, already getting lost in them and their spellbinding glimmer as if he had nothing better to do that day than openly stare.

"You seemed to be in real sync," the woman pointed out as she was writing the names right into the huge red hearts decorating the cups that were most definitely ordered for the sole purpose of labeling everyone who proved to be worthy of getting the couple's menu. It was sweet, but all Barry could do was inwardly laugh about it when he noticed how Oliver glared at the cups. "Does this happen a lot?"

"Oh, yeah, all the time. We're practically the same person," Barry answered and saw the tiny smile playing on Oliver's lips from the corner of his eyes for what it was, ignoring how elevated it instantly made him.

"You're really lucky, then," the woman said and smiled so warmly Barry almost started regretting they were so openly lying to her. But only almost.

"Hear that, Ollie? You're lucky to have me," he teased and, for reasons he probably won't ever be able to grasp, bumped his shoulder against Oliver's. He had no idea where this boldness came from, but the man next to him didn't recoil or stiffen and he decided to take that as a good sign.

"You shouldn't encourage him," Oliver said to the barista, shaking his head. "He's insufferable enough as he is."

"Says the guy who wanted to burn this whole place down minutes ago," Barry countered. "Don't you think an apology is in order? You're the one that keeps telling me agreements and rules are here to be followed not broken every time I'm late."

This time it was Oliver who moved closer, not out of fake affection like Barry had, though. Not that it really mattered to Barry's hammering heart once he felt a strong arm hooking around his shoulders and spreading warmth through his whole body as he heard the blue-eyed stranger whisper: "You're playing with fire."

However bewildered Barry was from the whole situation, he didn't let this intimidate him. "Do you want me to tell certain someone we both know that it's okay not to apologize for being a bit of a jerk?"

"I was not-" Oliver began but his words came up short when Barry just arched one of his eyebrows at him. He was probably having too much fun with this, but after having such a boring day at work, this was exhilarating to the bone and he couldn't get enough of it. "Fine," Oliver sighed in defeat and aimed his next words at the barista, who was once again dedicating them that same odd look like before. She smiled after hearing Oliver's apology and waved with her hand, saying she understood Oliver's outrage at the policy she didn't see the point of either.

"See?" Barry remarked and smiled. "Wasn't so hard now, was it?"

Oliver merely chuckled and only then let go of Barry's shoulders, making him involuntarily wonder why it caused a small downfall to his mood not to be so close to the older man anymore.

The barista once again saved him from any more uncomfortable questions his brain was so fond of sending his way when she asked whether they wanted to have the cake packed or not. When Oliver confirmed the former option, she sheepishly asked for the name of his son and wrote down "William" on the pink box covered in numerous hearts of various sizes, which once again didn't fail to make Barry chuckle. He got a glare aimed at him in return, but something was telling him every time Oliver did that, the venom behind it got less and less serious.

Once they had the cake safely in the box and their coffees in their hands, Oliver proceeded to pay before Barry could even get his wallet out. Had things been any different, he would have argued about this, but he figured it made sense that only one of them would pay since they were "together" and besides, he understood it for Oliver's way of saying thank you since Barry was the sole reason he got the cake for his son in the first place.

Barry anticipated they would exchange vague goodbyes after that since the barista was already too busy with another customer to pay them any mind and be on their way back to their lives as if nothing like this happened with the only difference that they now had a hell of a story to tell, but no such thing happened. Barry proceeded to go sit down to his usual spot and Oliver followed, awkwardly asking whether Barry would mind him sitting there with him, to which Barry merely smiled and nodded.

"It's nice to meet you by the way," he said, not raising his hand for a handshake and risking the barista would see. "Circumstances could've been better, but it was fun."

"You made that abundantly clear," Oliver deadpanned.

"Hey, you got your cake, didn't you? So if anything you should be grateful."

Oliver shook his head but smiled at his strained tantrum and Barry felt warm all over because he knew that meant the man was as grateful as he should be and Barry didn't need to hear the words to know that. Somehow just seeing was enough in this case and send his heart skyrocketing for no valid reason yet again.

"Why did you do it, though?" Oliver eventually asked.

Barry could reply with another teasing remark, but he decided to go with the truth instead. "Because you were right. When you said that love between two people who are a couple shouldn't mean more than the love parents have for their child. I'm pretty sure they have a suggestion box here somewhere. We might let them know what we think."

"And see them ignore it and keep doing whatever the hell they want? No thank you."

"Are you always this optimistic or should I just consider myself lucky?"

"It's just been a hectic week for me."

"Central isn't to your taste?"

"Is it that obvious that I'm not from here?"

"Only to people who you're fake-dating," Barry teased. "You're visiting or?"

"I've recently moved in, actually. To stay close to my son."

Weirdly enough, only then did some trivial realizations dawn on Barry. After all, he knew from Iris that a certain person of her interest had moved from Star City to Central recently. "You're Oliver Queen, right?"

"We're already on the full name basis? Here I thought you were one of those people that would take things slow in a relationship."

Barry's eyes widened in amusement after hearing an honest-to-god joke from the man who seemed anything but carefree not so long ago. "I consider our relationship too special for that."

"In that case, you should know it's not fair I don't know your full name."

"Barry Allen," Barry replied, unable to fight off his smile. Exchanging names like this had to mean something, right? If Oliver planned to forget this day even happened, that they met in such a crazy way, he surely wouldn't go through the trouble of staying there, talking with Barry and possibly finding out more, would he? More importantly, what was Barry promising himself to get out of this? What was he hoping all this meant?

"I bet your son is gonna love the box once he sees it," he changed the subject to keep his mind in here and now. "Horrid pink with hearts all over. Who wouldn't love such a creative design?"

Oliver openly laughed at the comment which Barry stored in his brain for safekeeping on instinct. "He's gonna love the story behind it even more."

The conversation didn't cease any time soon after that. Sure, there were moments of silence between them, but they all felt as natural as the times their mouths were overloaded with words. Whoever walked past them, there was no way they suspected Oliver and Barry had just met. It was like the barista said, they were awfully in sync to be mere strangers to each other. Barry could muse about it in his head, but he knew that wouldn't get him anywhere he liked and so he just kept the conversation flowing as effortlessly as before.

They left the coffee shop together. Oliver thanked him again, with words this time, and after they exchanged goodbyes and smiles, that was it. Barry was on his way home, feeling like the world could collapse and he wouldn't notice because while his legs were moving, his mind had failed to leave Oliver's side just yet. Once he realized it, he chastised himself for keeping his hopes up when the odds of him seeing Oliver again were so close to zero it hurt. Not in a way how hearing Iris and Eddie were getting married did, of course, but it still hurt more than it probably should have considering everything. So he decided to stop thinking about it once and for all and just get on with his life, back to his routines and stability.

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To his utter surprise, he found out that it wasn't even remotely that simple when he walked into Jitters the next day and noticed Oliver waiting for his turn. He politely said hi as he passed by and was stunned to the bone when Oliver not only said it back but engaged him in the conversation before he could get too far. Just like that, they fell right back in whatever force was making sure they felt good in each other's company. And once it was their turn to order, somehow, without either of them confident enough to explain it, they just knew they were gonna drink from the cups covered in love again. It was a silent agreement between them. That day and every one that followed until it became another routine bringing joy to Barry's life.

Oliver rarely decided to take the cake currently on the offer with him home. Instead, he ordered just one piece which they both shared as they were sipping on their coffees and talking. Neither of them minded the charade they had to keep going in order to convince every barista that they were indeed a couple. It wasn't a matter of not wanting to risk someone calling them on their bullshit one day or not being able to live without having their coffees served in the horrid looking colors. The couple's menu was cheaper than getting all of it separate and while that shouldn't matter since the cheapest approach would be paying solely for their own coffees by themselves and not getting any cake, it made perfect sense to both of them when the possibility to spend the time together was on the table. Most of the baristas didn't care about whether they were telling the truth or not either. Only the woman from the first day did even though Barry was pretty sure she was fully aware they were only faking and just kept her mouth shut to keep the game going.

That was probably why Barry was doing it too. It was fun, exhilarating and yet so natural he didn't feel nervous or under any kind of pressure even when he forgot to watch himself and leaned maybe just too close to Oliver's personal zone. Then he remembered that he was supposed to fake they were in love after all and he leaned all the way in, using Oliver's biceps as a pillow or squeezing his shoulder and relishing in how it felt when Oliver returned the gesture.

It didn't take long before these moments in Jitters started being his favorite part of the day. He was no longer questioning the magical vibe between them. It was just warming him to the core that he had a friend who was so easy to talk to. With Iris being busy planning her own wedding, he had every right to miss such simple interactions that were about serious talk as much as it was about merely messing around. Two months of these regular meetings passed and he felt like Oliver could safely compete with both Joe and Iris about who knew him best and possibly come of it as the winner and from what he learned from Oliver, the feeling had to be somewhat mutual.

One day, however, turned out to be different after all when Barry entered Jitters and couldn't see Oliver anywhere inside the coffee shop. His face fell down for a split second before he realized he was being ridiculous, relying on a deal they never had in the first place. Oliver was his own person after all. He couldn't expect the billionaire to come there every day for the rest of their lives. Besides, it was probably a sign that Oliver had grown tired of their silly charade and this was his way of showing they needed to stop. Barry could understand that although he was definitely going to miss the cups where Oliver's name would occasionally be written with a small heart above the letter "i" instead of a dot. Even the mere thought made him smile despite how bitter he was still feeling.

But then the door to the coffee shop opened and there was Oliver with his blue eyes so bright Barry supposed all those magazines were rightfully going mad over them. Not that he'd read any of them, but he knew from all those times Iris' celebrity crush would be showing just a tiny bit too much.

Their eyes fell on each other, making Barry's heart leap in his chest when Oliver dedicated him one of his rare but immensely warm smiles. It was as if this one moment, however brief, was straight out of a romance novel, ending in the most horrid way ever when Barry noticed Oliver didn't come alone that day.

As soon as the blonde woman with glasses and a smile so charming Barry felt his stomach drop, leaving him utterly confused because what the hell, Oliver looked at her and Barry supposed that was that. He watched them interact, witnessing Oliver dedicate her the same smile, and fighting not to visibly squirm. She was really pretty and they looked good together. Barry should be happy for his friend because that was what they were. Friends. They were not together. Never would be. Not because Oliver wouldn't handle being in a serious relationship, Barry knew him well enough to know that was just bullshit the tabloids kept feeding to maintain interest among their readers, but because they were just pretending and that was okay. It was what they both wanted.

But then why did he suddenly feel so hollow?

He didn't get a chance to find out that day when he noticed both Oliver and the woman with him were making his way to him. Shit, shit, shit, what was he supposed to do? To say? What if they noticed him staring and thought he was weird? What if this woman was going to scold him for making the whole coffee shop believe he was dating her boyfriend? What if Oliver no longer wanted anything to do with him?

"No supertardiness today?" Oliver quipped. "Some special occasion?"

"If by special you mean Captain Singh was again in one of his moods, which was worse than usual and made me pretty much run away from there, then yeah," Barry replied, trying to be as nonchalant as possible and hoping to God it was playing off.

"Captain Singh from the CCPD?" the woman asked. "You work there?"

"As a forensic scientist," Barry confirmed and frowned. "And you are?"

"Oh, I'm Felicity. Smoak," the woman beamed and extended her hand. "I'm only asking because I'm applying for a job there."

"Barry Allen. And really? What kind?"

"Hacking. Not the bad kind, like stealing people's money or anything! Although I could do that, but only if it was meant to do good. Not that I think people should steal. They definitely shouldn't do that. Especially not when there could possibly be another way how to solve their situation."

"I think he gets it, Felicity," Oliver gently pitched in.

"Right, sorry! I'm just... I'm supposed to have my interview tomorrow and I thought I was fine, but now after hearing you talk about Captain Singh I feel like applying was the worst idea I ever had."

"Hey, it's okay," Barry said. "I'm sure it'll go fine. Besides, he's a lot nicer to newcomers even potential ones. Just convince him he needs you and you'll get the job."

"Wow," Felicity gasped and looked at Oliver, "you were right. He really does know what to say to make people feel better."

"I didn't say that," Oliver denied and if Barry didn't know him any better he would think he was blushing, but that was just a silly thought, wasn't it?

"Oh yeah, just like you don't come here every day at the exact say time, right? I wonder, is it because of the coffee or something else?"

"Actually, it's for the cakes," Barry joined and earned himself another glare that made him feel warm all over.

"Of course! I knew I wasn't imagining that there was something different about you. Now I know why," Felicity said, glancing briefly at Oliver's abdomen. But there was no harsh truth behind her words and they all knew it. She and Barry were just messing around. Oliver's torso, chest, basically everything definitely couldn't have been considered to be anything but dreamy not that Barry was picturing it or anything, but he had eyes and it was clear that Oliver was in good shape and that was that. It didn't have to go anywhere else.

"Well, I'm definitely not paying for either of you today, that's for sure," Oliver grumbled and turned to face the barista to order now that it was their turn.

"You're lucky we don't put up with you for your money, then," Felicity remarked, Oliver pretended he didn't hear it even though it was obvious he did and Barry could only stare at how carefree the whole situation was despite him almost bolting out of there mere minutes ago. Felicity's natural light just made it that easy to stay and have a good time. Oliver was really lucky to have her.

The billionaire didn't plan to order the couple’s menu that day, but before Barry could compose himself enough to make it seem like he didn't mind, which he really shouldn't anyway so what the hell, brain, yet again, Felicity cut the billionaire off and asked the barista to give him and Barry the couple’s menu, vouching for them that the man wouldn't find two people more in love in the whole city. Oliver rolled her eyes but let her have it her way, ignoring her every teasing remark about the romance-themed cups coming their way. Barry was too stunned to really pay them any mind as they were making a beeline for one of the tables.

Before they sat down, Oliver's phone suddenly buzzed, making him curse under his breath as he fished it out of his pocket. Barry figured it must be something related to his work when the billionaire just apologized to them, claiming he had to take it and marched outside with his coffee.

"Must be important," Barry pointed out sadly, remembering this wasn't the first time their afternoon got a bit ruined by Oliver's phone.

"He takes his job seriously. It wasn't always like that, but since he's had William, he's a changed man."

"You must be proud of him."

"More than anything."

"How long have you been together, by the way?"

Felicity almost chocked on her coffee. "Come again? Together as in being an item? Because we're not that. We might have been something before, but now we're just friends."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I thought-"

"I guess that makes sense. He's the guy everyone has a crush on and once you get to know him, it's even worse. I fell hard far too quickly and it was working for a while, but eventually, we both figured we were better off as friends. It wasn't meant to be for us."

"I'm really sorry to hear that." And he really was despite how his heart skipped a beat upon hearing the information.

"Don't be," Felicity shrugged. "It's better now. Really. He needs someone he has no problem to talk to. I wasn’t it for him, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have a place in his life. And what about you? Do you have someone like that?”

He should've known this topic would turn against him and he had no reason to be upset since his feelings had never passed the “unrequited love” stage. Felicity's obviously had. She'd gotten a chance with Oliver, they'd been happy for some time and then life had decided to take it from them. He'd had numerous opportunities to do something about his feelings and he hadn't. He had no one else to blame but himself. But maybe that was why it hurt so much even after such a long time.

"Nope, it's just me. I mean, I have family and friends, they are everything to me, but I don't have anyone... like that. There was this one person, but I... I never said how I felt and they're getting married next week so... it's just me."

"Oh, Barry, I'm so sorry," Felicity consoled.

"It's fine," he waved off and for the first time ever felt like these words represented the truth in his heart. Even if it was only remotely, he couldn't dwell on this for the rest of his life. He needed to move on sooner or later and it seemed like subconsciously, he'd already begun. "Just wasn't meant to be, but it's better to know that now than find out years later, right?"

"Yeah, it might not mean much right now, but I believe things like this don't work out for a reason. One day we'll both be grateful for it."

He smiled and nodded. "I think you might be onto something, Miss Smoak." His eyes then fell on Oliver who was still outside, talking relentlessly to whoever was on the other side of that call. In the chilly day of November, the billionaire looked barely as if he'd even registered the cold despite the visible puffs of air coming out of his mouth and reddened cheeks. He looked like he belonged there and Barry found it impossible to look away.

"What about Oliver?" he cleared his throat and looked at Felicity who was watching him with an expression he didn't dare to figure out. "Does he have anyone like that?"

Felicity glanced at her friend with a smile. "I don't think so. Not officially at least, but he's been different these past few weeks so I'd say someone has appeared in his life even though it's likely he hasn't realized it yet."

Barry wasn't sure how he felt about that. He considered Oliver a friend, one of the special ones even, so, of course, he wished to see him happy, but just imagining that one day the billionaire would come here to drink from love-themed cups and share one piece of cake with someone else, some beautiful woman probably, it... didn't sit right with him.

He probably got too used to having these meetings in Jitters as a constant in his life. With Oliver being the fundamental part of it. After Iris and Eddie got busy preparing their wedding and he found it goddamn hard to be in their presence, it really made sense that he would need someone new in his life. He had Cisco, Caitlin, Wally and Ralph he was thankful for it every day, but sometimes, you just need something new or to do things differently than you normally would to see everything from a new perspective and ultimately appreciate what you had all along.

His life just seemed so much easier with a cup decorated with hearts in his hands, an indicator that it's essential to find the time to mess around sometimes and to forget about everything else. It reminded him of the times he'd spent with Iris, those little moments when they would just put their feet up and talk about whatever till it was too late to even hope they would get enough sleep that night. And for the first time, he felt determined to reach out to her.

"You look like you just figured out something," Felicity pointed out. "Something good, I hope."

"Remains to be seen, I guess," Barry said but smiled with all sincerity within him.

"That actually reminds me... Are you by any chance free this Friday night?"

"Uh, yes? If this is about Captain Singh again, then I assure you that while he has bad days, he never made me work on Friday night."

"That's... good to know, sure, but it's not why I'm asking. It just so happens that I was supposed to go with Oliver and William to the movies this Friday, but something came up and I don't want the ticket to go to waste. You and Oliver really seem like you hit it off so the ticket is yours if you want it."

"Um, I'm not sure that's a good idea."

"Why not? You're Oliver's friend like me and if you're worried about William, he's thirteen and so basically, all he cares about is seeing that movie. He won't pay you that much attention and even if he did, just remember that he puts up with Oliver so you'll definitely be fine."

Barry wanted to say yes. It wasn't even his anxiety caused by meeting William for the first time holding him back from voicing out that one damn word. Oliver had talked about his son enough times for Barry to know William wasn't anyone to be wary of. He was into comics, movies, tv shows, and video games and Oliver was proud of him. It was apparent from every single word the billionaire uttered about his son. That counted for something. Had William been a spoiled brat, there would never be this spellbinding glint of content in Oliver's eyes.

So really, William was not the problem. But then what was?

He eventually settled for "I'll think about it," and maybe got a bit more relieved than he should have when Felicity flashed him a smile and nodded. They both noticed Oliver finally hung up and was now making his way back to them.

"Sorry about that," the billionaire said as he took his seat. "What did I miss?"

"Barry is going with you and William to the movies!" Felicity announced and watched both men gawp at her.

"That's not-" Barry started, but Felicity shushed him with a wave of her hand. "Oh come on, you were gonna say yes. You won’t regret it, I swear. Besides, it will make Oliver immensely happy if you come. Isn't that right, Oliver?"

Oliver stared at her hard, but seeing she wouldn't relent, he sighed and looked at Barry. "Yeah, what she said. But only if it's no trouble for you."

Barry didn't have any other choice than to cave in. Oh, what the hell, he thought, it was ridiculous that they hadn't met one single time outside Jitters anyway. "What movie are we seeing?"

"Ready Player One. Have you seen it already?" Felicity asked.

Barry had actually. The other day he went with Cisco, but it also didn't go unnoticed by him how the corners of Oliver's lips quirked into a tiny a smile as he agreed to go and he found himself ecstatic to see that movie again even though he was fully aware the motion picture itself had very little to do with it.

"No, but I always wanted to. I never pictured you to be into this kind of movies, though," he said to Oliver.

"You're implying I'm getting old?"

"N-no! Of course not! It's just that-"

"Relax, Barry," Felicity chuckled, "that's just your fake boyfriend making fun of you. There's no need to get all flustered for him. It doesn't do his ego any good."

Oliver narrowed his eyes at her and for a few seconds, Barry had the time to look away and at least try to figure out why today everything was so different. Why he was so flabbergasted when he should be just having a good time with Oliver like he always would. Felicity was nice and kind so there was no reason to even consider she had something to do with this, but something did. And why the hell couldn't he get to the bottom of it?

When Felicity and Oliver turned their attention back to him, he formed a smile, hoping neither of them could see how strained it was. It wore off quickly and soon he was back to talking with them like it was that easy. But then they were parting ways and Barry saw Felicity hug Oliver and he felt his insides churning and the bitterness was back. He needed to get his shit together before Friday would come. Leaving the impression he was weird shouldn't be the first thing he does in front of William, especially now when he really wanted to come and spend his Friday this way. So he told himself to suck it up and try to see the bigger picture here. It probably wasn't as big of a problem as he was making it out to be anyway.

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They had agreed to meet outside the movie theater and Barry was actually on time or at least that was what he first thought, but then the main entrance came to his sight and he stopped dead on his tracks. Because there Oliver and William were and he couldn't hear them. They were too far and the streets of Central were as alive as ever, but to him, there was no noise because the whole world fell silent. He just watched, surrounded by the imaginary tranquility, Oliver and William talking.

It looked like William was trying to explain something he considered amazing and Oliver was giving him his utmost attention. The billionaire must have understood something wrong, though, or at least pretended to because the next thing that happened was William shaking his head incredulously and soon falling into a round of laughter, which Oliver mirrored. He had definitely faked it, then, just to get his son to laugh like this. Before Barry knew it, he smiled at the scene before him almost feeling sorry he had to break it with his appearance, but after witnessing this little and yet meaningful interaction between the two, he felt much more relaxed than when he'd left his apartment that night.

"You're late," Oliver told him once he noticed him.

Barry innocently shrugged, not regretting his reasons for violating his punctuality that night. "I didn't want you to feel special, thinking I was trying for you. Your ego is already big enough as it is."

Before Oliver could counter the snarky comment, William snorted and all attention fell on him. "So this is the Barry you've been talking about?"

"He talks about me?" Barry asked, amused.

"Oh yeah, like all the time."

"He doesn't mean that. He's just trying to be funny," Oliver said and Barry smiled as their eyes locked for a brief moment. "I figured. Wonder who he got it from, though."

"Hear that, Dad? I'm just learning from the best like you taught me."

"Just get inside before I change my mind and we go home," Oliver replied, but the way he shook his head with an amused smile he couldn't fight was the only indicator they needed to know his threat wasn't meant to be serious at all. William looked like he wanted to say one more thing but chose to rather stay silent and go inside anyway with Oliver and Barry following behind. Once inside, he sent them to buy some snacks and drinks while he went to the washroom. Barry just found it endearing how Oliver rolled his eyes at his son being so bossy. Still having the moment between Oliver and William that was the reason he'd come late freshly on his mind, he was more than thrilled that he had come here in the end. Hearing Oliver talk about William was something he always enjoyed, it would always uncover this side of Oliver he doubted many people could see. But actually seeing them interact pushed it into a completely new level and he knew he would regret it if he didn't get to find out about that.

"He's cute," he said as they were waiting in the line.

"Don't let him hear you. He would never forget that."

"But it's true."

"He's thirteen. Saying he's 'cute' might as well be an insult to him."

"Oh yeah? And what’s your excuse? Because I remember you being bothered every time I called you cute in front of the baristas.”

“I wasn’t... bothered.”

“You calling me a liar, darling?”

“Nope, just delusional,” Oliver deadpanned and got away with it only because it was their turn to order. Once that was done the man behind the cash register looked at them and asked: “I don’t mean to intrude, but are you, guys, a couple?” Before they could answer he went on. “Because we have this offer going for tonight. We’ll give you a small bucket of chocolate covered cinnamon bears for half the price if you’re a couple.”

Barry had to chuckle at that because really what were the odds of two establishments having such a similar offer, but then another thing shocked him. Both he and Oliver remained silent, no longer trying to say that they were just friends hanging out even though that was the truth. Instead, they looked at each other, reading where they stood from each other's faces without any difficulty. What the hell, William was definitely going to be ecstatic about the extra snack anyway.

"Yeah, we're together and we'd love to have that bucket," Barry said, but there was something different about saying those words even though he had said similar ones so many times he'd already lost count. He saw Oliver smiling at him and that somehow caused the whole world to freeze and mute again, overwhelming him with an unfamiliar feeling of warmth. The next thing he remembered was Oliver handing him the said bucket with numerous brown bears inside and the two of them making their way to William who was already waiting for them in front of the entrance to the auditorium.

"You took your time," William concluded, clearly more intrigued than mad when he lifted his eyebrows questioningly.

"Yeah, that's on me," Barry said. "But we got you this, so all forgiven?"

William took the small bucket and beamed for a split second before he looked back at Barry, all serious again. "You're all good. This time. But I'll be watching you so you don't teach my dad your habit of always coming late. Like I said, he talks about you a lot."

"I believe what William meant to say was 'thank you', right, buddy?" Oliver mildly chastised his son.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," William said and rolled his eyes when Oliver arched his eyebrows at him expectantly. "Thanks."

"You're welcome," Barry and Oliver said in unison, which made William snort before he took his drink from Oliver's hands and motioned for them to follow him. "We should get inside. It's gonna start soon."

Both men followed him and sat down at their rightful place with William sitting between them, exchanging the bucket with cinnamon bears for the one filled with popcorn with his dad, obviously saving that for later, which made Barry smile for probably the hundredth time that night. It wasn't like he minded, though, when it was making him feel warmer than he ever had. Even when the movie started, his mind didn't completely get the hint it was time to focus on the screen instead of the two people beside him. He was actually glad he had already seen the picture. That way it didn't matter how many times his eyes flew over to Oliver and William to watch them for a few minutes instead because he would still be up to date. He just couldn't help it.

It was clear the screening of Ready Player One was going to end for good soon. Most people had already seen it and thanks to that the auditorium was almost completely empty. Barry had never witnessed anything like it since he'd always been into movies and wanted to see them as soon as possible, but this solitude was really... nice. It gave Oliver and William the room to comment on what was happening on the screen without needing to worry they were disturbing someone else.

William would occasionally brag about how much more pop culture references he could spot than Oliver and no matter what, the billionaire didn't attempt to silence him, to put him down. He didn't get bored, he listened to all his son said and even looked truly immersed by the movie. The sight made Barry so spellbound he couldn't stop staring for several minutes and even when he eventually forced himself to watch the screen and not look away again, his mind stayed there in that magical moment. Everything he'd seen that night convinced him that Oliver was a good father, which was another thing tabloids never got right. Their loss, he thought and kept smiling till the end of the movie.

After they left the movie theater, William excused himself again when he spotted one of his friends from school to go say hi.

"I'm really glad I came with you, guys," Barry said once he was alone with Oliver.

"Even though you've already seen the movie before tonight?" the billionaire asked and chuckled when Barry's eyes widened. "Yeah, I knew the whole time. You might be an amazing forensic scientist, but that doesn't mean you can lie."

"I don't know if I should take this as a compliment or an insult."

"Take it as me showing my gratitude you came anyway, then. I keep hearing it's not one of my stronger suits."

"Oliver Queen is actually bad at something and openly admitting it? Has the world started ending while I wasn't watching or what?" Barry teased and chuckled when the billionaire rolled his eyes at him in that affectionate way he did with William. Then, however, Barry’s phone buzzed, alerting him of a message from Iris. Being reminded he had to attend her wedding and that he still wasn't completely okay with it, his mood fell down so radically Oliver would have to be blind not to notice.

"Hey, you okay?" he gently asked with nothing else but clear concern written all over his face.

"It's nothing," Barry lied, all too aware Oliver could tell and expecting to be questioned about this further, but the billionaire didn't say anything. He just nodded, seemingly content to let the silence stretch out and let this be the way of how this amazing night was supposed to end. Barry should've been grateful that his friend wasn't prying, but for some reason, he decided to clarify regardless.

"You remember how I mentioned two of my friends getting married?"

"Iris and Eddie, right?"

"That's them. And it's happening next Tuesday and I just...," he trailed off, not even knowing where he was going with this.

"You don't feel like you're ready yet," Oliver finished for him, obviously remembering all that Barry had willingly shared with him about his bitter experience with love. If the circumstances were any different, Barry would be touched that Oliver cared so much he listened and remembered all that had been said between them. But like this, he just felt embarrassed to the bone.

"Barry, there's nothing wrong with taking your time," the billionaire said and although Barry believed his words, there was just something odd about the way he said them. Or maybe it was about the special kind of sadness he could see in these piercing blue eyes before him. He couldn't decipher what it meant for anything and it was driving him mad because here he was, bothering Oliver with his problems when the latter could be possibly dealing with something much worse and just keeping it to himself to have this weight solely on his shoulders. Now that was pathetic and for a while, Barry felt speechless until he remembered what amazing time he'd been having every time he'd met with Oliver and an idea popped up in his head.

"Come with me," he said before he could think better on it.

"What?"

"To the wedding. As my plus one."

Oliver stared him down, obviously not buying he was being serious. "You want me to go to a wedding and pretend we're together in front of dozens of people?"

"Why not? We're already pretending and obviously doing a good job."

"You call fooling a bunch of baristas, people we don't know, a good job?"

Barry slumped his shoulders and let his head fall when it occurred to him how ridiculous he was being. Of course pretending in front of his friends and family would be different and honestly, he had no right to ask that of Oliver so what the hell was wrong with him? Was he really so scared of facing Iris and Eddie that he forgot he and Oliver were in this together as equals? Since when was he so selfish?

"You're right. I'm sorry. I don't know why I even suggested it. Just forget it happened," Barry pleaded and looked up only after he heard William making their way to them.

They said their goodbyes quickly after that, which made Barry hate himself immensely more. He just had to ruin a perfect evening like that, didn't he? He wondered what that meant for him and Oliver. Whether the billionaire was upset and would ditch their regular meetings in Jitters or worse, ditch him completely. He got his answer at least partly the next Monday when he went to Jitters and Oliver wasn't there. But honestly, he had no one else to blame but himself so he took the coffee with him outside, feeling the breath of winter embracing him mercilessly and taking it as the punishment for being such a fool as it was and he went home, already trying to prepare himself for tomorrow.

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Surprisingly, interacting with both Iris and Eddie wasn't as hard as he thought it would be. Somehow the bond he had with them found its way to work again despite his disbelief and talking with them felt easy. Even seeing them together, stealing glances, smiling and just being happy gave him this vibe that it was how it was supposed to be. They belonged together. It was as clear as a day when they were both glowing in the most beautiful way there was.

Barry felt happy for them as sincerely as he should have right from the start. It made him realize he had been even more of a fool all this time. He could have honestly enjoyed this wedding, but the way he'd parted ways with Oliver last Friday was all he could think of. He could deny it all he wanted every time someone asked him if he was okay, but it didn't make his pain disappear or him forget about it. The ceremony hadn't even started yet, but he already knew he had to fix this somehow or at least try. He would call Oliver after the wedding or maybe come to his apartment. What if Oliver wasn't home or refused to let him in? What if he didn't want to have anything to do with him ever again?

He was so immersed with what-ifs and maybes that he failed to realize everyone around him turned their attention away from wherever it was to openly stare at something. He got out of his trance only after the voice he knew all too well found its way to his ears.

"Seems that you're already rubbing off me," Oliver said with a smile. "But unlike you, I have a valid excuse for being late. I had to find out which wedding was the right one. Did you know there are two other weddings happening today? It's November. Who gets married in a goddamn November?"

"That'd be us," Eddie said cheerily as he and Iris appeared beside them. "You have to forgive us. We just couldn't wait any longer to make this official. Besides, we had no idea Oliver Queen himself would come by."

"It's such an honor to meet you, Mr. Queen," Iris babbled out and punched Barry on his arm, which finally made him overcome his shock of seeing Oliver there. "Why didn't you tell me you were bringing someone with you when I asked?"

"Actually, that's on me," Oliver claimed. "It wasn't the plan. I just changed my mind in the last second."

"You did?" Barry blurted out as the fool he was, still unable to believe this was really happening.

Oliver looked at him and smiled so warmly Barry thought his heart was going to burst and that was no longer normal. Even in his standards. He knew he was missing something, but figuring it out seemed still so out of reach. "You're gonna introduce me to your friends or not?"

"Right, sorry. Iris and Eddie, this is Oliver," he said, suspecting Oliver was daring him to introduce him as his boyfriend. Barry, however, said or implied no such thing and just left the introduction as it was. With a single look at both Iris and Eddie he could tell they saw them as the couple they weren't. He had no idea why he refused to tell them they were wrong, though.

"How long have you known each other?" Iris asked.

"Just a few months," he replied and somehow the conversation kept going until Iris and Eddie excused themselves to get ready and Barry finally had time to talk to Oliver alone.

"Why did you come? Not that I'm not happy to see you, but... when I didn't see in you in Jitters yesterday, I thought..."

"I'm not so easy to get rid of, Barry, don't worry. Besides, there's booze and cake for free. You know me, how could I say no to that?"

Barry laughed at that and squeezed Oliver's arm in the affectionate way they were both used to by now. "Thank you, Ollie."

Oliver dedicated him another smile and that was that. The two of them never left each other's side for too long during the whole event. They fell into a conversation with numerous people Barry knew, Joe, Cisco, Caitlin, Wally, Dr. Wells, Ralph, all of them obviously suspecting he and Oliver weren't just friends and yet Barry didn't correct any of them because he was having such an amazing time that he thought this would totally ruin it and he didn't want to do that the way he had the last time.

Being with Oliver just felt so refreshing and easy, he didn't feel like the stranger he'd been worried he would be all this time. He was bursting with gratitude and he wanted Oliver to know that because he was all too aware the billionaire had helped him to heal from his unrequited feelings and how they'd broken him. He thought the damage couldn't be erased or conquered, but thanks to Oliver that was exactly what had happened without him knowing all along.

This was what kept him smiling during the whole ceremony as he watched Iris and Eddie exchange their vows. His eyes fell on Oliver's hand right next to his and he had no idea what possessed him right at that moment, but the next thing he knew, he lightly stroked the back of Oliver's hand with the tips of his fingers and before he could freak out, Oliver turned his hand with his palm up and stopped his own hand from retracting. Barry relaxed and entangled his fingers with Oliver's, letting the all too familiar feeling of warmth by now spread and his heart go skyrocketing at the contact.

They didn't let go for the rest of the ceremony and Barry was pretty sure no one was watching them, trying to determine if they were together or not. This right there was just for them and only after they had to stand up and let go, it occurred to Barry to actually wonder whether he knew the answer to the one question of all those people staring at them. He'd been pretending all this time to be in love with his friend. Had it really gotten so out of hand that he failed to notice he stopped faking it somewhere along the way without taking any hint?

Suddenly, he felt like the whole world was going to collapse on him. Remembering all those times his knees went weak upon seeing Oliver smile or when a shiver ran down his spine upon standing so close to the billionaire their bodies were almost touching. Back then, he was too exhilarated that he could still make friends, that he had made a friend as amazing as Oliver and that after all this time he finally felt normal and content and... happy. He'd been healing all this time and he just didn't know, but now it all made sense and the realization was more than just dreadful.

Because how could he expect Oliver to ever feel the same? Oliver Queen whom every girl wanted, who was funny and much more thoughtful than anyone would expect him to be, who was an amazing father who cared about small things and would always do anything to make his loved ones happy. And who, most importantly, was straight. Barry inwardly cursed. He was so screwed he wanted to cry. How had he let this happen? Why couldn't he just stay out of the quarrel the day he'd met Oliver? Why couldn't he just stop going with this play of pretending they were in love so willingly?

Everything was caving in. The world suddenly felt too loud and his head hurt. He desperately needed to get out for at least a minute, so he marched towards the nearest exit, not giving even a tiny bit of damn that it was too cold to stand outside only in his suit. All he wanted was to think in silence and peace, but even that seemed to be too much to ask when he noticed Oliver came after him, all perfect and dashing, making Barry's body wanting to react despite him being all too aware Oliver was the last person he wanted to see right at that moment.

"Hey," the billionaire said with concern written all over his face yet again and Barry wanted to laugh at the irony that Oliver himself was partly the reason for it and just didn’t know about it. "Is everything alright? If it's too much for you to be here, we can leave. Just say the word."

"No, it's not that," Barry sighed, unable to look at him. "Everything's fine. I just needed to get some air and think."

"Alright. Then I leave you to it. Just don't stay here too long. I have a feeling Joe would blame me if you froze to death."

Barry didn't laugh as he was supposed to. He didn't even smile or look at Oliver who turned away to leave. But that was the thing, deep inside Barry didn't want him to leave. Not like he had last Friday and not like he was leaving now, which was why he uttered that question he couldn't let go no matter what. "Why did you come, Oliver? The real reason this time."

The billionaire came closer and spoke after letting out a huge exhale. "Just wanted to make sure you'd be okay."

Barry knew Oliver well enough to know it was true, but he also knew him enough to figure out it wasn't all Oliver had to say. "I was doing okay. You saw that so you could leave any time you wanted, but you stayed anyway. Why?"

"If you wanted me to leave, Barry, you should've said so."

"That's not what I meant."

"Then tell me what's wrong."

Barry took a deep breath, trying to make sense of the mess his thoughts were in and failing to find the right words, growing more agitated with every passing second because Oliver was waiting for him to explain what was going on with him and he so desperately wanted to but found it too hard to even say anything at that point.

"Everyone inside thinks we're together," he finally said.

"So? I thought that was the plan. The two of us, pretending and lying to your family and friends, or did I get it wrong?" Oliver said and Barry knew that was meant to hurt.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing," Oliver denied but sighed when it was obvious Barry wouldn't let go. "I just find it interesting that lying to those you love is comes easy for you. You could've introduced me as your friend and denied there was more between us, but you didn't."

"From what I gathered you didn't deny anything either."

"Well, maybe because I didn't want to deny whatever they were thinking in the first place. Ever thought of that?" Oliver almost growled or maybe that was what Barry's messed up brain was telling him it was because at this point he really wasn't sure anymore. It felt like the world was trying to fool him, daring him to fall for its tricks just one more time and come of it finally broken for good because there was no way he had just heard that right. Oliver couldn't have said any of that because it just didn't make any sense. Not that it mattered because Barry's brain completely shut down once he finally noticed how close they were standing, looking directly into each other's eyes, unable to look anywhere else.

Barry's heart was hammering against his ribcage, deafening any other sound and most importantly all his common sense from trying to bring him back to reality. He didn't know how to respond, what to say, he just wanted to know what it felt for at least one fucking second and so in a flash, he connected their lips in the most horrible angle he could have and let it all crumble on him, ceasing to care completely whether Oliver would rebuff him, shove him away and never speak to him again. He just needed to know it was real. That he hadn't imagined ever falling for his best friend again and that he didn't wish more than anything to stop pretending.

He got much more, though, because Oliver didn't break away from him at all. Against all Barry's expectations, Oliver fixed their angle like it was the easiest thing on this world and kissed him back as zealously as possible, making Barry feel he could burst any second with pushing it even further and biting on Barry's nether lip, requesting an entrance Barry granted on instinct and moaned at the sensation, feeling his pants rapidly getting too tight to his liking, but he wasn't ready to let it end just yet. It was a dream coming true for him. Who would want something like that to end?

"I knew it! I knew I wasn't hallucinating it," Cisco's voice suddenly came to the surface and broke the trance he and Oliver were in, causing them to jump from the embrace and Barry wanting to die right on spot.

"Cisco, what hell, man? What are you doing here?"

"I was looking for you two. It's time to cut the cake and Iris wants you there. Although I'm pretty sure she'd be willing to let it slide if she knew you were this... busy. I mean, Oliver Queen? Common mortals like us weren't enough for you or what?"

"You do realize I'm right here and I can hear you just fine?" Oliver asked, openly glaring at Cisco who backed away immediately. "Right, sorry. I'm just gonna run from this not at all awkward moment and say you're both alright."

"We'll be right behind you," Barry promised and tried to pull off a smile which was probably more strained than ever before he turned to face Oliver with an unreadable expression on his face. "That was..."

"Close," the billionaire finished for him. "It's a good thing he caught us like this instead of us arguing. I can imagine you being questioned about having troubles in paradise is the last thing you want."

"Wait, what?"

Oliver let out a deep exhale and finally forced himself to meet Barry's eyes. "You should go inside before they get too worried. Tell them I'm sorry, but I had to leave early."

"Leave? What are you talking about?" Barry said and grabbed Oliver's hand before the man could get too far.

Oliver glanced at their joined hands and lifted his free hand to gently separate them. "You got what you wanted. They're not gonna doubt anything now. But I'm done." He briefly looked at the ground, clenching his teeth, before looking at Barry again. "This would be so much easier if it just stayed in that stupid coffee shop." And without any more words, the billionaire walked away, not stopping or looking back and making Barry hate himself for failing to prevent this from happening. He watched Oliver leave again and although it didn't make any sense to him at first, after a few more seconds of silence, he realized he was the only one to blame for this. Because Oliver thought Barry had seen Cisco coming and kissed him only to make sure everyone believed they were together and honestly, could he really blame him for it? When he was too chickenshit to say anything to prove him wrong?

He did go back inside after that, but feeling more hollow than ever before, he wasn't a joy to be around anymore and eventually ended up leaving early too, thinking of everything he felt during that make-out session and coming to the most dreadful realization there was. He was in love with Oliver Queen and he just let that man walk away.

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Oliver knew both Felicity and William were trying to make him talk about it, but it was pointless. He was already getting over it, he just needed more time. It wasn't like Barry had ever tried to fool him into thinking it was more than just pretense on his part. Oliver had only himself to blame for suspecting this and now he had to pay the price. It was fine, though. He knew how to handle rejection or... heartbreak even. It wasn't anything new to him despite everyone assuming otherwise considering who he was.

Several days passed since the wedding. Oliver hadn't gone to Jitters at all as the coward he was, knowing all too well the building alone would remind him of Barry enough to make the pain raw again and ruin his whole facade and that wouldn’t help him with getting over this, which was why he turned away the offer of the owner of Jitters himself after he got a phone call from him that night, finding out he had supposedly won some price even though he was one hundred percent certain he hadn't taken part in any competition in the first place.

The man eventually admitted he just made that up to make him come because he had a daughter who, again supposedly, was a huge admirer of Oliver Queen and would die for a photo with him. Feeling too tempted to tell the man to shove it and go to hell, it took Oliver several seconds of silence to overcome the overload of emotions inside and say he'd be right there, already regretting ever going with it the second he hung up, but there was no coming back from it. Besides, there was a chance the man was being honest and in that case, his visit to Jitters would be a good thing, but for some reason, he couldn't help but doubt the man's words. It didn't stop him from leaving his apartment in the end, though.

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It was way past the closing hours, but the coffee shop was still all lit up, leaving an odd impression with how empty it was. There were no... there was no Barry and that was the whole problem. And it hurt just like Oliver suspected it would. But he told himself to shove it and finally pushed the entrance door and stepped inside.

"Hello? Anyone here?" he asked, getting no answer, which was weird because he was expected after all, so what was happening? Was this some kind of prank or a crazy way to rob him?

"You're here," he suddenly heard and witnessed his heart skipping a beat as Barry appeared behind the cash register. He spun around, marching to leave on instinct because this was just too much to take for him, but froze on spot when Barry shouted: "No, wait! Please stay. I just want to talk."

They couldn't talk. They'd lost that ability after the kiss and just being in the same room felt too suffocating, but somehow despite that, the idea of him walking away after hearing Barry beg him to stay without holding anything back seemed... wrong to him. So he stayed and turned around to face the other man, folding his arms and looking anywhere else. "Then talk."

Barry slowly made his way to him, stopping soon enough to leave several feet separating them. "Remember how we were making fun of the owner for coming with the whole menu for couples in the first place? It turned out he's actually a really nice guy. Maybe a bit too trusting since I convinced him to lend me the keys for tonight so quickly, though."

"Where are you going with this, Barry?"

"Just wanted to tell you how much this place means to me. It's not about good coffee or cakes or the whole vibe I get from it, although I love all those things too, don't get me wrong. But there's more to it."

Everything was screaming at Oliver to put an end to whatever this whole thing was and leave this part of his life finally behind, but then there was this small voice nagging at him to stay and listen. Barry was his friend first after all. He owed him to be there and listen when it was required.

"Every time I hang out with friends, we end up going here and we look forward to it. We don’t find it weird at all," Barry went on and took one step forward. "I met you here." Another step. "Out of all the places, this was the one where I felt like I could relax no matter what." And another. "After the whole thing with Iris and Eddie, I thought I would never be the same again. That I was broken and there was no way to fix it. And it took time, but eventually, I healed and let go. Partly thanks to this place too." He took the last step, locking their eyes and smiling before he uttered his next words."And I've fallen in love under this very roof and I was more late than I've ever been to realize it. But I know now and I'm sorry I couldn't say something sooner."

Oliver wanted to believe it. It pained him how much he wanted to believe it, but what if Barry was just taking pity on him? What if he was meant to have his heart broken countlessly worse than he already had?

"You once said," Barry broke his train of thought, knowing him perfectly enough to suspect what was going on in his mind, "that I was a terrible liar and you were right. Then you told me that you couldn't understand why I found it so easy to lie to my friends and family. And, Ollie, you were right about that too because it's one of the hardest things anyone could ask of me. The reason why I made it look so easy is that I wasn't lying in the first place. I wasn't pretending anymore. The truth is I've probably stopped a long time ago and I'm pretty sure so have you."

"But what if it's not real? What if we're just fooling ourselves like we've been fooling others?"

Barry slowly placed both his hands on Oliver's cheeks. "I think it's been real the whole time. We were doomed right from the start. We just didn't know about it. I'm a terrible liar and you could've told me to go to hell the second you got that cake for William the day we met, but you didn't. You just went along with it like I did. All I'm asking is for you to go with it now too if it's what you want. Because it is what I want and I'm sick of getting everything in the way of me saying it."

Oliver smiled before he could stop it and he knew right there on the spot that there was no reason to question what this was between them anymore. He knew what he was feeling, what he had been feeling for a long time now, and he wasn't going to fight it when Barry was right there, promising happiness Oliver was certain he would deliver when he had been doing it the whole time they'd known each other. It was time to stop refusing it. It was time to embrace it instead. And so he did just that when he wrapped his arms around Barry's waist and sealed the deal with a kiss, letting it serve as his yes to the other man's question. Now and every time anyone would ask him again. Because it felt real. Getting another taste of Barry's lips, he couldn't be more certain he was right where he belonged and it no longer mattered to him it had taken him so long to realize it and accept it. He was now convinced he wouldn't let Barry go for anything and that was what was mattered.

"I take that's a yes, then?" Barry asked once their lips parted and they could catch their breaths again.

"What, you didn't find that convincing enough?"

"I'm not sure," Barry replied and smirked. "You're much better at lying than me after all. You might as well keep trying harder to make me fully convinced."

"You're lucky I have no problem with that," Oliver finished and connected their lips yet again, already sure he would never get tired of this sensation because it was tangible. It was real and most importantly it was theirs.

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It was a regular day the next time they decided to meet in Jitters again. Barry still couldn't get over the fact this was officially his life. He'd never been this happy and sometimes there were still days he thought life would decide to take that away from him in the most horrible way possible, but Oliver never left again and that had to count for something, right?

They were waiting in the line as they had been numerous times before and yet something felt different this time. Their eyes were locked, hands always busy with finding countless ways how to stay in direct contact. They were in their own world, immersed and happy beyond belief it was something only the two of them shared. No one could take that away from them because they would be foolish to ever let it go.

"Welcome to Jitters," a barista they didn't recognize brought them back to reality. "What can I get you?"

Barry ordered for both of them and then finished with "By the way, we're together, so we'll go with the couple’s menu if that's okay" and feeling utterly joyful that this was official and as true as it could be.

The cashier, however, apologized instead and said they were no longer serving the couple’s menus because it was stupid to begin with according to their owner and someone had complained the policy implied one kind of love meant more than any other. Barry didn’t appreciate the irony of this at all, but he tried to wave it off even though part of him felt sad that he would never get to drink from the horrendous looking cups again especially now that he was so blessed with love and aware of it. Oliver must have read it somehow from his face as the know-it-all he was because once the barista wrote their names on the regular cups the billionaire asked: "Can I borrow your pen for a second?"

"Yeah, sure," the barista replied and handed him the object in question.

Oliver thanked him and reached for one cup, either writing or drawing something on it and then doing the same thing on the other cup. Barry couldn't tell what it was, though, because Oliver made sure it was indecipherable from the movements of his hand as the smartass he was, handing the cups back to the barista so Barry couldn't see why he needed the pen for as long as possible. Even once their coffees were ready, Oliver took them both and left Barry to pay for it which had been the plan anyway so Barry decided to let it slide and followed his boyfriend, relishing was he could call him that now, to their table. Only then Oliver handed him his steaming coffee with a smile. "I'm gonna miss the cakes."

"We can buy a cake next time we're here and share it like we used to. We don't need some special menu to be able to do that."

Oliver softly chuckled with so much affection Barry had to mirror it. "I guess you're right."

Barry finally turned the cup around in his hands so he could see Oliver's creation and stopped breathing for several seconds in shock and so much love he swore it had to be illegal because there was no way people could feel this good and get away with it. In the end, he decided to be immersed in it instead because that was what it was supposed to be about anyway.

He didn't throw away his cup that day. He took it home with him and for the rest of his life, he would wake up with it in his eyesight, reminding him that dreams could come true after all. He had never imagined a used coffee cup, although he did try to clean it as much as possible without damaging it, with his name in the center of a huge heart struck with an arrow to be the sign of something like that, but then again, he hadn't anticipated having someone like Oliver in his life either and here he was. And here he would always be. No matter what.

#olivarry #olivarry fic #fake relationship #slow burn #my last tribute to this amazing ship #hopefully you'll enjoy it as much as I did

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allie1804-fan · 4 years ago

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Please Assist Me (Chapter 21)

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10 , Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13, Chapter 14, Chapter 15 , Chapter 16, Chapter 17, Chapter 18, Chapter 19, Chapter 20

Warnings :

He Said

It was a strange feeling going back to set when this utterly momentous thing had happened. I felt untethered and for the first time in a long, long time, worried about my focus. I’d had a stressful time over 20 years ago on The Devil’s Advocate but that was more about nerves and Pacino than it was about distraction. Then when Jen was expecting Ava, I was in Baltimore working on The Replacements but I have to confess to a degree of ambivalence at first about that pregnancy so I was almost happier to box up this thing and pretend it wasn’t happening until the shoot was over. This time I knew I would just want to be there and be caring for Sophia and the kids and not be on set at all.

I would have to draw on my inner resources and commitment to the project to get me through this one. And the memories from those short 5 days were pretty special. The pregnancy test surprise, the scan, the kids’ sweet concern that the baby would make it and my sisters’ and mom’s delight at the news. Karina, and Mom had been unable to resist hugging us both despite social distancing still being important. They hadn’t been anywhere in weeks though so we were OK to let it go for this special moment. And just being back with Sophia again, making love with her – those memories would do their usual dual trick of sustaining me and making me miss her all the more but I wouldn’t trade them.

As soon as I got back, I met with Chad and updated him with my news. I also shared my worries about focus – he dismissed them as bullshit - not meaning to be mean but because he knew me and was confident that once we got on set, I’d be as on it as ever. I was thankful he had faith in me and hoped I could live up to it.

She Said

It was late July and I was laying on a sun-lounger by a pool in a villa in Provence. Time to chill at last and to look forward to seeing Keanu later that day. He was joining us direct from New York whereas we had already had a week there and were currently enjoying the company of Alex, Ramsey and their 2 kids. In fact at this specific moment, it was their two kids who were affording me the time to lay back as they were splashing around in the pool with my 2 meaning all I needed to do was ensure the snacks kept coming and that my two had on enough sunscreen!

I had last seen Keanu 5 weeks before when he’d flown home to attend the 12 week scan. All was well including the abnormality risk assessment so he’d been able to return to set reassured. After that I had facetimed or phoned him if possible when I had midwife appointments but on a couple of occasions he’d just got a heartbeat recording after the event! I know he treasured that though, sometimes sneaking a listen to it when he was hanging around on set waiting for the crew to be ready.

We kept in touch with calls most but not every night and we never had any relapses or forgetfulness any more. We usually had the call at around 6pm (9pm his time) and If Eva was around she would always update him on what the corresponding size of fruit was to the baby. By the last, call about a week ago in mid July, we were up to the size of an apple!

We’d decided to head to France for a family holiday since Covid related travel restrictions had eased somewhat and Keanu had missed his chance the previous year for a European break. He had hired a bike which was waiting here and would spend some time enjoying the winding, hilly roads of the Vars region which we’d chosen due to it being a bit off the beaten track compared to the hills around Nice or Cannes. We’d found a big property which had 10 bedrooms meaning plenty of friends could join us which they were doing more on rotation than all at once but the space meant we shouldn’t have to turn anyone away. There was a maid service too – I didn’t want one of those holidays where you still have all your usual jobs to do, just more of them but in a prettier place! Mind you, since I’d got pregnant, Keanu had insisted I get a maid service at home as well as the kids’ lock down tutor so my domestic responsibilities had reduced significantly.

The kids and I had travelled over with my mother and at some point in the next couple of weeks we’d host Karina, her husband, Keanu’s Mom and Kim and possibly Chad and his partner if they could make the time.

He Said

I emerged somewhat groggy to the terminal in Nice and was happy that we’d arranged a car so I could just find the guy with ‘Reeves’ on his sign and snooze for the roughly one hour journey to the villa. I was greeted first by Eva and Miguel who Sophia said had been waiting by the gate for about the last hour with their welcome sign! Then I got to see my beautiful girl walking towards me in a cream maxi-dress which showed the gentle swell of her growing baby bump to perfection. She was literally glowing now.

“Hey you”

“Hey you two!”

We saved the passionate smooching for later but had a long hug on the driveway before going in to say hi to our other guests.

The house was what they call a ‘bastide’, built up on a hill and it had been extended with some of the rooms being in a separate self contained building which was nice for friends like Alex to have their own space. There were a couple of verandas both with pergolas covered with climbers for shade and of course a pool. Indoors most rooms had terracotta tiles and the shutters which kept the place cool and also meant it would be pitch black until they were opened so everyone would sleep in. Our room felt instantly soothing with cream walls and blue and cream striped curtains and bed linen.

I am not someone who takes many proper holidays. I get to travel so much with work usually that the thing I want most when I’m finished with a project is to be a homebody and catch up with friends in LA.

With this holiday though, Sophia’s planning meant I got many of those home comforts (reading, biking, friends, family) and the added bonus of being somewhere new.

My regular job ended up being fetching bread and croissants from the bakery in the morning. I could do that on the Harley I’d rented using the paniers – there was quite a lot of bread needed every day after all! Days were spent by the pool mostly but with the odd break to stock up on food, beer and wine from a local supermarket. When Sophia and I went to do this, I was sure I was being stared at and risked being stopped but she said she’d noticed the French seemed to stare at everyone so it probably wasn’t personal! No-one approached me so either she was right or they were just more respectful of privacy! Our evening meals on most days consisted of salads and/ or something cooked on the barbecue followed by card games, music and conversation into the evening with the whole gang (whichever configuration we were on that day!) gathered on the terrace together breaking bread, laughing and joking.

With so many other adults at the house to take the kids, we were also able to enjoy a couple of meals out on our own. I wished I could have taken Sophia on the bike up into the hills but obviously we couldn’t risk that so we drove, finding sleepy villages with beautiful tree-lined squares that usually featured an old stone fountain just like the one in the Marcel Pagnol films Jean de Fleurette and Manon de Sources.

It was just a perfect time, made even more so by the fact that this is where I first felt the baby move.

It was quite late one night and Sophia had gone ahead to bed earlier than me. I expected to find her sleeping when I got there but she was sitting up, holding her hand on her belly, smiling at me as I walked in. My eyebrows shot up, reading her expression and she nodded. I rushed to settle next to her but when I put my hand on her belly, I couldn’t feel anything.

“Maybe try laying your face against me” she suggested.

I eased down and lifted up her t shirt, laid my cheek against her belly and held my breath. After a few moments, I squeezed her hand as I felt a gentle fluttering against my cheek. My tears ended up on her belly. That’s also when I started speaking every day to our baby, all the way through to the birth. Mostly it would just be telling them about our day but sometimes I would use it as a way to say something to Sophia that I was nervous to tackle in a more direct conversation. Like my suggestion that she and the kids either move in with me or we look for a new home together.

“So I was thinking” I murmured to her stomach “that maybe when we get back to LA, we should all be together, like we have been here, always.”

“Really?”

“Yeah of course – we have this little person arriving, we can’t live apart then can we? I mean you weren’t thinking….. I mean I’d want to live with you anyway, but….” Now I was totally burbling!

She was laughing at me by then.

“No you’re right, I just didn’t know how you felt about sharing your home with all of us or moving or anything. Guess I’ve actually being taking one day at a time on some things!”

“Well I want you all with me. I mean there’s room at my place. We’ll have to change things around obviously but that’s doable. Or if you want a new start we can look for somewhere.”

“OK, let’s do one of your mind map and incubate things and tackle it when we get back. We have 3-4 months before I’m going to basically be a beached whale and not able to do much!”

By the time we left, I was definitely sold on this kind of holiday being in my future – another wonderful change in me that had been down to Sophia.

@fortheloveoffanfic @kindainlovewithk’eanu @omg-imagine @iworshipkeanureeves @fics-not-tragedies @ficsnroses @keanureevesisbae @penwieldingdreamer @witty-wallflower @paperplanesandwallflowers @bitchyslut99 @ladyreapermc @toomanystoriessolittletime @fanficsrusz @keanuficfiles @bitchyslut99

#keanu reeves fanfic #keanu reeves fanfiction #keanu #keanu reeves #romance with boss

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sqsupernova · 5 years ago

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Author Post — KizuRai

We sat down with @kizurai to talk about Rain World, their process, and their Supernova adventure!

What inspired your story?

Listen. I was stuck in traffic on my way home from work one day, and it was pouring rain – as it does in Seattle, or anywhere near the northwest – and I thought to myself, “What if- but rain?”

No, but seriously though, I really was stuck in traffic and I wondered what would happen if rain could eat through materials. I would’ve been just stuck there, with nowhere to go and just melted there. Which is, okay, it’s morbid but I mean I wrote a post-apoc, what did you expect?

That and also I took inspiration from this indie game called <i>Rain World</i> (where I got the title if you couldn’t tell) and it… honestly there’s almost zero resemblance but I loved the concept of lizard monsters and the pressure of the rain killing you and having to run shelter to shelter. Like I said, kinda resembles my fic but not really?

Anyway, my fic is not frightening I swear!

How do you form your stories? Do you outline beforehand or write by the seat of your pants? Do you write linearly or out of order?

Outline? hAHA I tried, I honestly did try considering that was one of the requirements for the first draft: to at least have an outline written out (although it's a little more than that, be sure to read the rules lol). So I did write one, but then I threw that right out the window when I started writing because these ridiculous characters just don’t like to stick to script.

What I did do was write a bunch of random blurbs and facts about the world (which I never ended up using) and drew out some concept art and some floor plans, because I'm nothing if not a thorough game developer LOL

I also cannot for the life of me write out of order. If I do I just end up throwing it out even though I like it; I end up not being able to fit it anywhere.

So yes, I write linearly (not by choice) and write at the seat of my non-pants (because I hate wearing pants) and I just sit there, staring at a blank google doc until inspiration hits, or lightning strikes, whichever one comes first, and I just write and force myself to write and I keep writing until the stupid thing is done.

What in your fic are you most proud of?

Um, that it’s done? I’m still surprised I completed something, surprised I even managed 74k of words, like was I possessed?

Serious answer though, I wrote like up to chapter 9 and realized I didn’t add in any relationship stuff and Emma and Regina’s relationship went from 0 to 100 in a chapter. So I had to go back and sprinkle their relationship here and there. I guess that’s probably what I am most proud of, lmao, that I managed to make swanqueen for a swanqueen fic lol

Oh, and also making everyone hate me because of my fic. That is a joy.

Is there anything you'd change now?

Serious talk, which means this part is uninteresting but:

The thing is, we’re always changing, we’re always moving forward in one way or another, our minds are in constant movement. Therefore, whenever I look back on my old stuff I always get caught up in “god, that’s awful, why did I write that?” or “maybe I could’ve done better” and I’m sure I could if I spend the time to do so but why?

It’s done, if I’m really upset about something I should change then I’ll write a new story and do better because we grow with experience and each story writers churn out is like gaining experience points, eventually we’ll level up and maybe gain an extra skill.

The point I’m trying to get at is that, sure, there are plenty things I would love to change – burn the whole thing in a fire if I could (believe me I wanted to a couple of times) – but instead of looking back I’m going to look forward and make something better than the last.

How do you deal with writers' block?

So I follow Emily Andras on twitter and she mentioned something that I took to heart; she said something along the lines of ”writer's block is for amateurs” and I got confused and a little angry at first but let me say, I think I get it. Even though I do get writers block and I’m screaming at my screen hoping for something to happen, I wonder what professional writers do when they’re on a deadline?

I think they power through.

And even if you think what you’re writing is terrible and it might never make it into the final copy, it’s still something, it’s still words on a page and sometimes just writing something might spark something. That’s basically what I did, I kept powering through even though I hated every second of it, but I managed to get it done on time (early actually because I remembered the deadline day wrong, but let’s not talk about that) and it’s done. Period.

Also, deadlines. Those help a lot.

Was this Supernova experience different than your typical writing experience?

As mentioned above I really think the deadlines helped me. I’ve always been kinda the ‘goal-orientated but lazy otherwise’ type so on my own I’m pretty much whatever and I have a billion WIPs but forcing myself to write and do daily sprints really helped. There’s also a bunch of other writers facing the same thing as me so we can all suffer together.

Any advice to other writers who might want to write a longfic, or participate in Supernova next year?

You know what, don’t listen to all the other authors telling you outlines are the key LOL sure, go ahead and write one if that helps you, but really you gotta find the process that works for you. It’s a little bit like education, everyone learns differently, everyone has a different way of doing things.

Oh but, yeah, listen to me on that ‘forcing yourself to write’ thing, you might hate yourself, or you might hate me while doing it – most likely me but whatever – but just get words on a page.

Also, don’t be so anxious about sharing your work. Your fic is not representative of your self-worth. Don’t write because you want validation or have everyone praise you. Write because you enjoy it and get happy if even one person reads your fic and loves it because these things tend to turn out like a popularity contest and a lot of new writers get lost in the crowd (I mean, like 6-8 things will pop out daily so unless you have a following already, people may or may not leave you until a lot later) so

1) Don’t be upset if you don’t receive any comments until a month (or 5) later 2) Be happy you finished something! Look at what you’ve accomplished rather than focus on the extraordinarily high expectations you’ve put on yourself 3) Have fun

That’s it for me on advice. #fluffwriter signing out.

You can read Rain World on AO3, along with KizuRai’s other works! And don’t forget to feed the author!

#swan queen #sqsn spotlights: author post #sqsn spotlights: rain world

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your-modern-shakespeare · 6 years ago

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A Little Too Real (12)

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 4.5, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 7.5, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 10.5, Part 11, Part 11.5

Summary: RealityTV!AU- You are a wardrobe supervisor for a popular TV network. The show is planning a reality TV show like the bachelor and Bucky is the newest contestant. But as the competition starts he realizes that he doesn’t like any of the girls…on the show anyway.

Pairing : Bucky x Reader (eventual)

Word Count: 10,375 (ish)

A/N: So I’m excited to finally get something out after my terrible bout of writer’s block. We should only have one or two parts left of this fic and then it will all be over :( But I hope that you guys are still with me and I’m sorry for the ridiculous wait. Love you guys and enjoy!

Warnings: kissing, mentions of sexy times, google translate, talk of depression (non-descriptive), break-up talk, I’m not sure what else

BUCKY’S POV

Week 9

Monday

“Guys! I don’t have anything I want to say!” I said to Steve and Peggy. Ever since I got back to LA, I’ve been getting non-stop calls from these two and when that wasn’t enough they decided that an impromptu visit would get them the answers they wanted. I had managed to avoid them all weekend, but on Monday I was not so fortunate.

“Something happened in Moscow and now Y/N is ignoring us. What did you do to her?” Peggy said.

“I—There’s—I can’t talk about what happened.”

“Then that means that something really bad happened.”

“Something bad did happen, but it’s not anything I can talk about.”

“Bucky you have always been able to talk to me, why is it different now?” Steve asked.

“It’s different because it has to do with Y/N. You guys know me better than anyone. And so you know that I would tell you what was happening if I could.”

“He does have a point there.”

“Well that’s not good enough for me. She called me and told me about you finally asking her out and then you plan literally the most perfect date, not to mention that I know what that dress looked like on her. And all of the sudden the two of you aren’t speaking to each other. How does it get to that stage?”

“Like I said...I wish I could tell you. I miss Y/N every single second of the day and there’s never a time where she’s not on my mind. I love her, but I have a reason for what I did and I wouldn’t have done what I did if it wasn’t important. Everything I do is for her.”

“If you could just tell us what’s happening—”

“I wish I could, but I can’t. And I would love to talk about this more but I need to go to work.”

“Bucky we just want to help.” Steve tried one last time.

“I know you do. This is...this is hard on me too. And I can’t talk about it, which makes it harder. I want more than anything to go and tell her what’s happening, but right this second I can’t do anything. I just need to finish the show so this can all be over and I can focus on her.”

I walked out the door then, knowing that those two would lock up when they left. I drove to work, thinking about Y/N and what I did. I’m sure there was a better way to do what I did, something that made more sense. But everything that I did was to protect her and that was my only priority at the moment.

Monday...first day of filming.

T-minus 11 days until I can see Y/N again.

Y/N’S POV

Monday

Being back in LA was not as comforting as I thought it would be. Of course, it didn’t help that I didn’t want to see anyone or talk to anyone or tell anyone what happened, so instead I just ignored everyone and sat in my apartment alone until Monday came around.

And then I had to go to work.

But I couldn’t see him again, so I had to use, for the first time ever, a favor that I had with the one person who probably hated me the most right now.

Y/N: I’m cashing in my no-questions-asked favor

WM: Well I’m glad to see you’re alive. You know, we’ve all been worried sick about you and you can’t even tell us that you got back or that you’re home or apparently anything.

Y/N: The favor?

WM: I regret ever giving you that

Y/N: I need you to take over the dating show

WM: The dating show?

Y/N: That was a question

WM: Unintentionally

Y/N: I need you to do this

WM: Of course I will, but if you think that you can just ask me to take over Bucky’s show and not give me a reason then you’re crazy.

Just reading his name made my heart leap

Y/N: You’re not getting a reason from me, that’s why I’m calling in the no-questions-asked favor instead of the regular favor

WM: How many favors do I owe you?

Y/N: More than you think

WM: I’m worried about you

Y/N: I’ll be fine

So that day, instead of going on the road with the rest of the crew, I went and hid away in the wardrobe room, trying my best to get everything organized and set up for once “the dating show” was done. Wanda was at the house filming when I left for the day so, I ignored another call from Peggy, I sat and ate dinner, alone, and went to bed early, crying myself to sleep...again.

Tuesday

I got into the wardrobe room early and unluckily for me Wanda was there waiting.

“I need an explanation.”

“And I need a break.”

“Y/N, I can see that something is wrong.”

“Well your eyes are working.” I went over to my table and started to clean up.

“Why won’t you talk to me?”

“There’s nothing to talk about.” She just glared at me. “Nothing I want to talk about.”

“What did he do?”

“Who?”

“Bucky.”

“He didn’t do anything.”

“You know, He looks just as miserable as you do.”

“Good.” I mumbled under my breath, knowing for sure that she didn’t hear me.

“Then what did you do?”

“I didn’t do anything.” I said way too quickly and way too aggressively.

“So he did do something.”

“I really don’t want to talk about it.”

“Why not?”

“Because things are already hard enough! I don’t need constant texts and calls from you and Peggy! I’m not fine that’s all you need to know!” She looked at me and could definitely see that I wasn’t okay.

“I know that I don’t know what exactly you’re going through but you know I’m here for you, right? This doesn’t have to be hard.”

“I just can’t do this right now. I can’t handle all the questions and I can’t handle the way you look at me.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah. I know that there’s been a lot happening lately, but I also know that you’re the silent grieving type. Now I don’t know what happened between you and Bucky in Moscow but I know that it can’t be easy losing a parent. So I’m going to step back and when you’re ready to talk about what happened with Bucky I’ll be here for you.”

“Thanks.”

“And I know that Peggy and I can be annoying sometimes but it’s just because we love you.”

“I know.”

“That and apparently Bucky won't tell them anything either.”

“I just need some time.”

“Well time I can give...no matter how impatient I am.”

“And pushy.”

“Now you’re just being insulting.”

“But I still love you.”

“I love you too.” She mumbled.

I went back to work and she headed out, more than likely to her flight for whichever girl’s families he was supposed to meet first. I had dodged a bullet, I always loved Wanda for having my back, but it didn’t lessen the hurt in my heart. I wasn’t sure anyone could fix that.

BUCKY’S POV

Tuesday

With filming done at the house for now, it was off to a new a place.

I didn’t see Y/N at all yesterday and Wanda looked like she wanted to murder me, so I assumed that Y/N wasn’t coming to shooting anymore. That being said the crew and I left pretty late for our flight, accompanied by Malia, whose dad lived in Seattle.

It wouldn’t be a long flight, only at about 3 hours, but sitting in a plane next to one of the crew members, luckily, I didn’t have to put too much effort into putting up my charade, which made everything a lot more tolerable.

I had never been to Seattle before and despite the fact that I was going to be “pinning” after another woman, I was actually kind of excited for a distraction from what was happening.

After the initial phone call, I had done everything in my power to avoid Y/N. She was already in my every thought and she was ignoring me, so so far everything was going to plan. I just needed to make it to next week, I needed to finish the show. So I had to believe that being in a city that I had never been to before, would provide the perfect distraction from...everything. That is until I spot the cameras.

When we landed I grabbed my carry on and followed the crew out of the plane, all the while they filmed mine and Malia’s every move. Most everyone had just the one bag they needed for the four days that we would be traveling but we had to stop briefly for Malia’s bag at baggage claim, seeing that she wouldn’t be back in for filming again until next Wednesday.

Malia’s father met us at baggage claim shortly after we found her bag, doing a proper introduction. There was definitely a clear resemblance between the two and after her mom left them it must have been a great relief for Malia to be so unlike her.

Her father showed us over to his car, where I placed both of our bags in the trunk before opening the door for her and letting her slide in first. The crew climbed into a van parked behind us and then we got on the road.

The drive to Malia’s house was about an hour and went through the heart of the city. So instead of going straight to the house we decided to stop in downtown and do some basic touristy things: Space Needle, Chihuly Garden and Glass, which I hadn’t know was a thing, and even had a little time to stop in at Pike Place Market after our dinner at their favorite restaurant. It made for an eventful day. I got to see a beautiful city, look at some of the best artwork, and experience a new place that I had never been to before. And despite all of that, I couldn’t help but want to show Y/N all of it and see her smile as she saw how beautiful it was. A few times I had tried to talk to Wanda, I guess just wanting to have someone to talk to about all of this, since I couldn’t talk to Y/N, but she pretty much ignored me everytime I tried.

As we finally called it a day and headed back to her home, her dad spoke more about the city and about how he and Malia had come to live in Seattle. And then he pulled up to their home. It was sort of hidden in from the main street, surrounded by trees and yet still close to their neighbors. It was a beautiful house, unusually big for just two people and yet according to her father quite small at only 3 bedrooms.

As we made it inside, her father grabbed our bags from the trunk and Malia quickly dragged me inside to give a tour, and as usual the cameras were there. The house on the inside was just as beautiful as the outside, with basic but updated features, you could tell it had been recently cleaned, and kind of like her father lived here alone, which I guess he did. To me it appeared strange that the house was so bare. There weren’t too many pictures of the two and despite Malia having shown me pictures of her mother, there was no peep of her mother anywhere. Nonetheless the place was great, just a little un-homey to me.

Malia showed me to the guest bedroom which had a great view of the backyard which was big and surrounded by trees, creating a natural fenced in area. Also on the ground floor, next to the guest room was the kitchen and living room, which I had seen right when I walked in.

She showed me downstairs next, which automatically made me feel a little better. Both the master and the second bedroom were on this basement level and between the two was a small living space with a loveseat, chair, and entertainment system. It became very evident that this was the main living space as there were more pictures and just a little more life than what I had seen upstairs.

As soon as the tour was done her father met us downstairs with Malia’s bag, and just like that the night had ended. The camera crew left for their hotel and promised to be back in the morning, I went back upstairs and quickly fell asleep, not needing more than my head to hit the soft pillow for me to be out.

T-minus 10 days until I can see Y/N again.

Wednesday

I woke up the next morning, actually feeling as if I had gotten some sleep. Her dad had made us breakfast and the half day that we would spend here today would pretty much just be me and Malia...and the crew of course.

But she had made things...kind of hard. Don’t get me wrong I liked Malia, she made it this far for a reason, but she kind of did the exact opposite of what I expected. The whole point of today had been to have her show me who she was, show me where she grew up and how she became the person she was today. When in reality I spent the whole day going around her town meeting people that she had grown up with and being shown off, as if she had already won. It made me feel very uneasy that this side of her, one where she cared so much about what people thought of her, was coming out so late in the show. What else did I not know?

After I thought we had met the last of the entire neighborhood, I took Malia out to lunch, to a little place that I had spotted last night driving in. I should have known better than to expect anything different though. We were shown over to a table and as soon as we sat it was as if the whole place wanted to meet me and while we ordered, ate, and paid I didn’t spend any time talking to Malia, her too busy talking to whoever had joined us at the moment.

Later when we got back to the house I packed up my things and got ready for the next flight. Malia had offered for her and her dad to drive me to the airport but I insisted that she spend as much time with her dad as possible, not really being in the mood to try and carry a conversation with her after a day like today.

And so, with my things in the trunk, me and the crew headed back to the airport. We had had a little bit of time to wait around but I got to walk around, grab some coffee, and I even grabbed a couple of postcards so I could give them to Steve, Peggy, and Y/N when this whole mess blew over. When we finally got to board our flight I found my seat and unfortunately for Wanda, she had to sit next to me. We sat in silence for a bit, I not being sure about what exactly was safe to talk to her about, but knowing that I needed to, otherwise I would explode.

“I have a reason.” I said randomly.

“It’s not good enough.”

“I love her and I would have given everything to stay with her, but I’m thinking about her and I’m not good for her right now.”

“That’s bull and you know it.”

“I don’t really have the choice.” I said a little slower hoping she would catch on to something. I stared at her hoping for some kind of response.

“She trusted you to be there for her—”

“I left her a note asking her to trust me. I need you to trust me too.” Something clicked this time.

“Something’s happened...hasn’t it?” She whispered, making sure none of the other crew members would hear.

“I’m not allowed to say.” I whispered back.

“Is she in trouble?”

“Not anymore.”

“But you can’t tell me anything?”

“I can’t tell anyone.”

“How long before you tell her?”

“Next Friday.”

“Next Friday is the last day of the show.” I didn’t respond after that. She got the idea and now I just needed her to tell Y/N and hopefully she would forgive me when I saw her again.

That or I would have to come up with another plan.

T-minus 9 days until I see Y/N again.

Y/N’S POV

Wednesday

It was another day. Another very long day.

Wake up.

Get ready.

Go to work.

Go home.

The worst part of it all though, was how lonely it was.

And yet instead of calling my friends and just telling them what was going on I watched a sad movie and got all the tears I had been holding in, out of my system.

And of course, I thought of him...a lot.

Thursday

As easy, yet as terrible, as it was to hold everything inside, I was going crazy from not telling anyone about what happened. But I couldn’t tell Peggy what happened because she was Bucky’s friend first and I couldn’t tell Wanda because she still had to work with Bucky. Normally I would call my dad and without him here...the person I went to for everything was Bucky and I obviously couldn’t do that.

The one person I had left...I had to believe that he would be on my side.

I knocked on the door of his very big house and waited for him to answer, but it wasn’t him.

“Is Tony here?” I asked.

“Yeah, let me go get him.”

So I stood in the living room as the woman left to go find Tony. Weirdly enough I was actually kind of nervous, but I wasn’t sure I would make it through the rest of the show if I didn’t get this off my chest. I was pacing in the living room when he came in.

“Hey, Y/N.” I turned to face him and he wrapped me in a hug. “I heard about your dad, I’m so sorry.”

“Thanks.”

“But I’m pretty sure that that’s not why you’re here.”

“I feel like I’m losing my mind.”

“How about we sit?” The woman said and we moved over to the couch.

“Y/N, you’ve met Pepper right?”

“This is Pepper?”

“According to Tony, I have you to thank for knocking some sense into him.”

“You two are back together?”

“We’re working on it.”

“Well I’m happy for you guys, I could only wish to be so lucky apparently.”

“I think we need to know what happened.” Pepper said.

“What did he do?” Tony asked. Placing a pillow in his lap and letting me rest my head on top.

“He...I fell in love with him. I let myself believe that he loved me too. I was fooled, duped, played. And now I feel like I can’t breath or eat or sleep because I’ve lost a piece of me.”

“What did he do?”

“He was there for me after my dad died. He came to the funeral and made me feel as if everything was going to be alright. He took me out on the most perfect date. He gave me the best day of my life and showed me what love was really like. But worst of all, he was my best friend. He took care of me, he protected me, he fooled me into loving him. And then left me. I mean, I’m not stupid right? There was something there.”

“You two are crazy about each other.”

“Then what did I do wrong?”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Then what could have happened? I am rattling my brain for some kind of explanation. That day...those dates felt like something more than just a one day kind of thing. He said and...did things that meant more.”

“Tell us about the date, maybe something happened.” Pepper said.

“I have gone over everything a million times...it was a perfect day. He made me breakfast in bed, took me to Roscosmos, and we met up with his friend Sam who gave us a tour of the headquarters. Then we went out for coffee with Sam before we headed back to my house.”

“Did anything weird happen while he was there? Sometimes confronting your past can be hard and he always wanted to be an astronaut, it couldn’t have been easy for him to be back there.” Tony asked.

“He was happy. He didn’t do anything out of the ordinary, nothing upset him, he was glad to be back, even if it was just for a little while.”

“What happened after?” Pepper said, trying to get me to continue.

“We went back to my house after that and got ready for the next part of the date. I had this really great dress that Peggy bought for me as a bridesmaid gift and he was wearing this navy suit...he looked really handsome. But anyway, he took me to this jazz club and we had drinks and ate dinner and he danced with me, he requested my favorite song...it was nothing I had expected, it was a perfect date.”

“And?”

“And what?” They didn’t need to know everything right?

“It didn’t end there right?” She knew, women always knew.

“The blush tells you everything.” Tony cut in, pointing at my cheeks.

“You guys are so embarrassing.” I covered my face with my hands.

“How was it?” Pepper asked.

“I can’t tell you that!”

And they kept badgering me until I couldn’t take it anymore and walked out onto the patio, putting some space between me and then.

Despite having wanted to talk to someone about all of this it still hurt like hell to think about how good everything was. I missed him. I missed the way he would walk really close to me, so that our hands would touch accidentally. I missed the way he would smile at me when he caught me looking at him, and ignore the fact that I had been looking at him. I missed talking to him about every little thought on my mind, even the thoughts and ideas that made no sense whatsoever. I missed the way he used to hold me when I laid next to him in bed. But most of all I missed the feeling of being completely loved by someone else because I knew that my feelings for him weren’t going to go away anytime soon.

“Are you okay?” I heard coming from behind me. I quickly wiped the tears off my cheeks and turned to look back at Tony.

“Sure.”

“That doesn’t sound okay.”

“I just...I came here looking...looking to hide away I guess.”

“From what?”

“It’s...that’s something he used to say when things got tough. You know, we would go and hide away from everything.”

“Did he give you a reason?”

“For leaving?”

“Yeah.”

“No.”

“Then he doesn’t deserve you.”

“I can’t even remember what my life was like before his interview.”

“I get that.”

“I just thought that talking to you would help because maybe you wouldn’t be on his side. I know that Peggy and Steve are and I can’t tell Wanda what’s happening because she works with him everyday. Normally I would talk to my dad, but...I can’t. I’m just not really sure what to do.”

“When Pepper left me, it was the hardest thing that I went through. She had been this huge part of my life, she was my best friend. All of the sudden I had to learn how to live without her.”

“What did you do?”

“Well at first I tried to blame her, I tried to make it seem like it wasn’t my fault. And then I went through this crazy partying phase where I drank too much and looked for ways to make the day disappear. And when that didn’t help the depression kicked in so I dove back in to my work looking for a distraction. But it took me too long to realize that the reason she left, was me. I had always been a workaholic and it got worse when I got the prosthetic project. I worked through the night, never left the office, and then the fame followed. It became easier for me to talk to someone else at work about what was happening. It became easier to dive back into my work when we were fighting. It became easier...to ignore her and it should have never gotten that far. So when I was done being crazy and depressed and whatever, and when I finally realized that this whole situation had been my fault, I had to spend a lot of time with my feelings. There was a reason she left now, and I had to find a way to be better, not to fix things with her, but to prove that that person wasn’t me anymore, even if she never took me back. What I had to realize was that I may have messed up the best thing I ever had and with time I would come to live through the pain I created. I had to learn to live without her so that maybe one day I would deserve to be happy again. And no matter what happened as long as she was happy, I knew that I would be fine.”

“You were willing to give her up?”

“Yes. I had become someone I didn’t recognize. When I finally realized what I had done, it was too late to try and explain to her what had happened. So instead of trying to make excuses and blame something else for what happened, I decided to let her go so that she could be happy.”

“Do you think I should let him go?”

“I think that you need to talk to someone who knows you and him a little better. I can tell you to leave him and that you deserve better but I’m not the one who knows the both of you best. And I don’t think that Steve and Peggy are automatically going to be on his side.”

“Yeah?”

“You’re they’re friend too. And I don’t think you should make anything final without really talking to Barnes first. There may be a reason, one that could easily fix things. Don’t give up on something good if you don’t have to.”

“Okay.”

I didn’t stay too much longer after that. He tried to get me to stay and watch a movie with them but like he said, I needed to sit with my feelings and maybe I would gather up the courage to actually go and see Peggy and Steve.

BUCKY’S POV

Thursday

We arrived in Hawaii pretty late, too late to go and meet up with Ulani and her parents; they would meet us at the hotel in the afternoon. So getting into our hotel rooms, which I didn’t have to share with anyone, was a blessing after our long flight. And yet the idea of sleeping alone... again...sucked. I was really missing Y/N.

I woke up the next morning still feeling tired after the shift in time, trying multiple times to go back to sleep until a reasonable hour came around and not having much luck. So instead I got ready for the day, went downstairs for some breakfast and snuck away from the rest of the crew, just wanting to spend some time by myself. So I walked around the island, I did a little window shopping, picking out some souvenirs for everyone and ate some Hawaiian delicacies before heading to the beach. I just put on my shades, put in my headphones and sat in the sand, watching the waves hit the beach over and over again. It was calming and a very welcome distraction. Except for every now and then I would see people looking at me, well not at me, but at my arm and for a second I would think back to Y/N and how she never looked at me in that way, how easily she had accepted that it was a part of me.

But when enough time passed I got the phone call from the director, telling me that I needed to come back to the hotel. I had my towel wrapped around my neck and my t-shirt in my hands, having used the hot weather and the sun to hopefully dry myself off a little more before putting my t-shirt back on. I needed to get back to the hotel and take a shower before meeting Ulani’s parents and maybe even have a enough time to grab Wanda and ask her to iron my shirt for dinner tonight.

I walked into the hotel and started making my way over to the elevators when I was stopped by one of the crew members and was ushered over to Ulani and her parents. I could see their expressions as I was moved to stand in front of them and I very quickly put my t-shirt back on before apologizing. They did the polite thing and told me that they saw it a lot living in Hawaii, but I could see that they were uncomfortable with my arm and that made me feel unwelcome.

And despite that, the cameras started to roll and we did the first introductions and like before I acted like everything was okay when I knew it wasn’t.

No matter what happened, I could tell from speaking with them further that they were good people, there daughter being a spitting image of them. The thing that I liked about Ulani so much was her kindness and her ability to be herself when things got too dramatic with the other girls. She stood out basically because she never stood out. At another time in my life I would have liked to believe that I would have dated her on my own. And meeting her parents and having them think that she had found someone to love only made me feel worse than I already felt.

Her parents seemed excited to meet me, though, after the initial shock of my arm and even gave me a traditional leis, an official greeting to the island, since they weren’t able to meet me at the airport. And instead of doing the touristy things, seeing that I had already done some sightseeing, after I was properly bathed, dressed, and had packed up my things, the three of them took me to their house.

The drive to Malia’s childhood home was beautiful as anyone would expect of Hawaii. Her parents talked excitedly about things happening in their neighborhood and gave me a few stories about what Malia was like growing up. And then they pulled up in front of this beautiful house.

It was smaller than the other ones we had passed, but surrounded by trees and with the noise of the ocean in the background, their home stood out by far. The house itself was triangular with high vaulted ceilings, white wood walls, and dark hardwood floors. This house was stunning in every way no matter how small. Malia being an only child the only other members of her family to meet were her two dogs who immediately welcomed all the added attention of myself and the crew.

So the rest of the day consisted of settling in to the guest bedroom, walking along the beach with Ulani and eating a traditional Hawaiian meal at a luau, all the while putting on a carefully planned out ruse on my part. It was exhausting.

Spending the day with these cameras on me, watching my every move with a woman that I didn’t love, probably hurting her in the process, made it hard to go to sleep that night. And even though it was just one more night I couldn’t help but feel so completely homesick. I wanted to talk to my friends about what was going on, I wanted to see Y/N, kiss her, hold her, I wanted to be done with the show.

So I spent a lot of time that night going through my phone, looking at pictures and text messages with Y/N and just praying that next week would go by much faster than it was currently moving. I missed her...I missed her a lot.

T-minus 8 days until I see Y/N again.

Friday

The following morning was supposed to be my day with Ulaini, you know showing me where she grew up. But this morning I got a little unexpected surprise and not a bad one at all.

“Hey James? Can I talk to you for a second?” Ulani asked.

“Yeah, Sure.” I looked at her, waiting for her to talk.

“In private?” She looked at the crew members around and knew that she didn’t want this recorded.

“Yeah, did you have somewhere in mind?” Then she came up with a brilliant escape plan, keeping everyone from noticing that we had ever left at all. We walked some ways away from her house, but being so close to the ocean she had the perfect little sea cliff hiding spot for us to sit on, and one with an incredible view at that. She sat down first and I followed behind, both of us looking out at the waves and I waiting for her to say what she needed to say.

“I need your help.” She started. I liked Ulani, I considered her a friend no matter what and if she needed my help who was I to say no.

“Okay.”

“But I may offend you.”

“Okay?”

“I don’t love you.”

“Okay.” I was confused now.

“And I know that you don’t love me.”

“Well….” She wasn’t supposed to know.

“And it’s okay. I’ve seen you with Y/N.”

“But how does this help you.” I gave in, I guess admitting that she was right.

“I think that I have a way to help each other out.”

“I’m not sure I know where you’re going with this.”

“I have also...fallen in love with one of the crew members.”

“Really?”

“And I know, and you probably know too, that the crew contracts don’t allow for coworkers to date.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“But there is also a slight issue when it comes to our contracts.”

“With what? I had my lawyer go through it and as soon as the show is over I should be in the clear to see anyone I want.”

“I know that in my contract it says that as soon as I’m eliminated or if I win, the contract is complete.”

“Right, but in my contract it doesn’t ever say that I have to choose someone.”

“But you wouldn’t be completing the contract.”

“What?”

“Okay, so I’ve been thinking. What happens if you don’t choose anyone, contractually?”

“Nothing, the shows over.”

“Not quite. It leaves a hole, essentially, in the contract which can give the network the possibility of sequels.”

“You’re kidding right?”

“I’m not. I went over my contract and it’s permanently finished if either of us end up with someone or if we lose.”

“But they can’t just make us do another show if I don’t choose someone.”

“There’s nothing that says they can’t. If we get eliminated we’re done. If we’re chosen we’re done. But there is nothing in our contract that tells us what happens if nothing happens. And then we would technically still have the contract which leaves the network with people who are still contracted.”

“Which means that we would still be working for them.”

“Which means we still can’t date coworkers.”

“What are you suggesting then?”

“We complete the contract.”

“So I choose someone.”

“You choose me.”

“But if you’re eliminated, you’re free and you—”

“If I win, our contracts will be done and you don’t have to explain to me that you’re in love with someone else. We end our contracts and we get to go off with the people we actually love.”

“Does Malia know about this?”

“No, she actually really likes you. But if you choose me you won’t have to explain to her what we already know.”

“You know, if you had told me sooner I would have eliminated you, I would have been sad to see you go but you deserve to be happy.”

“You would have been sad?”

“Yeah. There’s no drama with you.” She laughed at me and I couldn’t help but laugh too. It felt nice to laugh again. “So do I know this coworker?”

“Yeah you do.”

“Are you going to tell me?”

“Um...her name is Diana.”

“Props Diana?”

“Yeah?” She looked shocked though.

“What?”

“I just didn’t expect you to react that way.”

“React what way?”

“You know...”

“Because you’re bi? There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“Well I’m glad you think so.”

“Are you happy?”

“With her...Yeah.”

“Then that’s all that should matter.”

“Thanks.”

“Of course. You know, I may not love you but I still do care about you. I knew from our first date that you would probably win if I was going to pick anyone. Out of everyone I thought that you were the most like someone I would date in real life.”

“Funny enough, I don’t think I ever would have dated you if I met you out in the real world.” I just laughed.

“Why’s that?”

“The last boyfriend I had...he wasn’t so nice when I told him that I was bi. I knew it well before I met him but I just didn’t think about telling him right away. Ever since then I’ve just had more luck with dating women, not that there’s anything against men; you’re just too attractive honestly.” I can’t remember the last time I laughed that hard. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be. It’s been a long time since I’ve laughed that hard.” The last time probably being with Y/N. “I’m sure it had been something Y/N said.” I said a little more sad.

“Why do you sound sad by that?”

“I haven’t seen Y/N since Moscow.”

“Why?”

“I can’t really say...legally.”

“A gag order?”

“Yeah. They wanted to put her through more...stuff and she doesn’t deserve that, so I did the only thing they offered so that I could be with her again.”

“They made you break up with her.”

“If you consider one date being together than yeah.”

“You guys have only been on one date?”

“It took us a long time to step out of the friend zone.”

“You guys just always seemed like more, and I’m talking like the whole time.”

“What you guys didn’t see was that Y/N and I met long before the show started. And I was scared that my feelings for her were too strong especially when I was about to go on this dating show. There were a few times I wanted to quit and my friends told me otherwise, but they didn’t know how I felt about Y/N, they just assumed I was scared.”

“How did you two meet?”

“She was at my interview for the show. When I first walked in the room, I was so nervous, everyone was looking at me except for her. She was staring down at this notepad, kind of like she was doodling, then I got to stand in front of everyone...and she looked up at me. I thought she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. So I introduced myself and they asked me to take a seat. I started telling them about myself and I don’t know what brought me to say that I spoke Russian and Romanian, I guess I just wanted to impress her, you know? And yet the next thing I know she’s speaking to me in Russian, trying to prove that I wasn’t lying. And then I’m talking about how I used to work at Roscosmos and she got really excited because her and her dad had loved Roscosmos. But everything after the interview was just...easy and it’s crazy to think of it in that way because of everything that’s happened but for me it wasn’t ever hard to just be there for her. I didn’t always have the right things to say or did the right things but being with her was really the best thing I could give. And being by her side and seeing just how amazing she was made me fall in love with her.”

“That’s really romantic.”

“How did you and Diana meet?”

“Well...I met her, technically, on the first day of filming. She was walking around the house straightening up things and I thought she was cute, but I kind of had the same thought as you, you know, that I was on this show to see if I would fall in love with you. But as the first weeks passed by and I kept seeing her around it got harder for me to ignore that she was a little more than cute. So I started talking to her, just little things like how was her day and that I liked the shirt she was wearing. Then it turned into her pointing something out that she had spotted on the show and those longer conversations turned into texts and calls. We had been dancing around each other when by that point we knew that there was something there. And out of nowhere she finally asked if I was into girls, she was so nervous, it was cute, and instead of answering her I just kissed her. I just felt so strongly about her that I didn’t feel the need to hide it and we’ve been dating ever since.”

“Honestly, I wish I had done that with Y/N sooner. And yet somehow I don’t regret having been her friend first.”

“I don’t either, even if we were friends shorter than you guys were. One thing I am sad about though…”

“What’s that?”

“She’s here in Hawaii with us and I can’t introduce her to my parents. I don’t really get to fly out here that often and it would have been the perfect opportunity to come out to them.”

“They don’t know?”

“No.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sure the right time will come again.”

“Yeah.”

We stared out at the waves for a little while longer but eventually had to go back to the house, where the crew had been looking for us.

We could only film a few more things before the crew and myself had to leave for the airport; we visited her high school, went to the beach...again, and finally stopped for lunch. The day, unlike what had happened with Malia, was actually good and I was happy that she didn’t try to introduce me to everyone on the island.

The flight back to LA wasn’t nearly as long as the flight from Seattle, I still got home later than I would have liked but I had a lot of time to think on the plane and I came up with a plan.

T-minus 0 days until I see Y/N again

Y/N’S POV

Friday

I got home relatively early from work and quickly made a batch of small pies before heading over. I drove my car in complete silence not really being in the mood to sing along to whatever overplayed radio song. When I pulled up in front of their apartment I sat for a minute, trying my best to collect some last minute bravery to face them. And then I made my way over to their door, knocking as quietly as I could in the hopes they wouldn’t hear.

“Please don’t be mad at me.” I said as soon as the door opened and before me was Peggy with an unhappy look on her face. I held out the plate of pies as a peace offering.

“I’m not sure what exactly I should be mad at. Maybe the fact that you've ignored me all week or the fact that you won't tell me what’s going on, or maybe it’s-”

“Hey Y/N.” Steve moved in front of Peggy, grabbed the pies, handed them to her, ultimately stopping her rant, and wrapped me in his arms. Feeling the familiarity of friends, no matter their anger at me, gave me relief, and made me cry.

Steve could feel my sobs and because of it he held me tighter, not even caring that we were standing on their front porch. “I’m so sorry Y/N.” He said, not saying it because of anything in particular, just saying it because he was upset that I was upset.

“I’m sorry. I’ve wanted to talk to you guys all week, I just...I thought you wouldn’t want to see me.” I said finally having pulled away from Steve, wiping the tears from my cheeks.

“Wouldn’t want to see you?” He asked shuffling the three of us inside.

“You guys were his friends first.” I said, sitting down on the couch, both of them following suit.

“Y/N…”

“You’re crazy if you think we’d choose which friends to be there for based on something like that.” Peggy said.

“Yeah, if you need us, we’re here for you.”

“Not to mention the fact that he was the one who did this to you, of course we’re going to be on your side.”

“I don't want you to be mad at him.” I said.

“You don’t want us to?” Peggy asked.

“The funny part of all of this is that I’m not really even mad at him. I’m confused and I’m hurt, but I would never be mad at him because I love him...you know?”

“Yeah.” Steve agreed.

“So what happened, obviously the date went well.”

“Obviously?” I asked.

“I saw you in that dress, remember?”

“Yeah...It was a perfect date.”

“And?”

“And what?”

“And…?”

“I’m not giving details.”

“So something happened?”

“You two are setting me up just like Tony and Pepper did.”

“They set you up to admit that you and Bucky slept together?”

“Yes.” As soon as I answered their question I knew I had messed up. They became a trying-their-hardest-not-to-smile mess and there was nothing I could do to stop it. “Fine get it out of your system.”

You know when you haven’t seen your best friend in a really long time and when you do get to see each other again, there’s like a lot of squealing and hugging. It was like that with those two, except a whole lot worse. I just sat there and let them get it all out and when they finally caught on that I wasn’t responding to anything, they stopped.

“Sorry.” Peggy said and they both stopped the crazy show that was happening.

“I didn’t come to talk about that.”

“We know.” Steve said.

“I’m just so confused. One second everything was perfect and the next thing I know I haven’t seen him in a week.”

“So the date was perfect, the after was perfect and then he was gone in the morning?”

“Right.”

“Something must have happened while you were sleeping.” Peggy suggested.

“Yeah but what? Everything was completely okay before we went to sleep and he didn’t mention anything before.”

“It may not be something you immediately think of. So, let’s think about what we do know.” Steve cut in.

“Like?”

“Like we know that the both of you are in love with each other.” Peggy said.

“And?”

“We know that a long time ago he decided not to choose anyone on the show.”

“Right. But guys...there’s something I haven’t shown you, I’m not sure if it’ll help but...”

I pulled the letter out of my pocket and looked at it, feeling a little of the heart break all over again.

“He left this on my bedside table before he left.” I handed it over to Peggy and Steve moved closer to her so that he could read.

“Y/N, I can’t begin to tell you how amazing last night was, I would have given anything to stay in that moment forever. You deserve so much more than what’s been dealt to you and ever since the moment I met you, I’ve wanted to be by your side. I wanted to watch you take on the world, I wanted to be the person who told you that everything was alright and make it true, I wanted to hide away with you every chance that we got. I wanted so many things with you, for you, that I got too caught up in the moment and because of that I can’t be with you right now. I wish I could explain to you what’s happened, God knows I’ve told you everything since the moment we met, and yet I can’t put you through this, not after everything you’ve been through. I know you're going to hate me but I have to hope that one day you’ll forgive me and, once this blows over, maybe give me a chance to show you why we belong together. I wish more than anything to be with you one day but if all we had was last night than I’m grateful that I even got one night to be with you. If I do get to be with you again, I look forward to making this up to you. I’ll see you in a couple of weeks. Love, Bucky.” Steve read out loud, which was then followed by a huge silence.

“Is it me or was that the most romantic and non-terrible break up ever?” Peggy finally pointed out.

“Isn’t it annoying?” I asked.

“Yeah, I see why you’re so confused.”

“And not that angry.”

“I mean, he said all these wonderful things and he made it seem like this temporary thing. I don’t know whether to be mad at him or sad or happy. I just...I don’t know. Which is somehow worse.”

“Yeah…”

“But it does raise a question.” Steve said.

“What?”

“‘I’ll see you in a couple of weeks?’ He obviously has something planned.”

“Is anything supposed to be happening in a couple of weeks from the time he left the note?”

“He doesn’t know about it.” I mumbled.

“What?” Peggy asked.

“Nothing.”

“No, what are you talking about?” There was a long pause, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to tell them or not, but then again I did come to them for help.

“I resigned.”

“What?!” They both said at the same time.

“My last day is next Friday.”

“You quit because of him?”

“Yes and no. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to see him and not feel completely broken up over him leaving. But this whole thing with him, with the show, made me realize that I wasn’t even living in the real world. They call that reality tv...when it’s all fake. Everything was fake and I fell in love with theatre, with portraying something real, not fooling people into thinking something is real. Working for the network was only supposed to be temporary, it was a way for me to save up some money so I could do what I wanted. I don’t have that problem anymore and I need to get back to reality, back to how I started.”

“What you have with Bucky is real.”

“Yeah, which makes this pain real.”

“So what are you going to do?”

“I have...something lined up.”

“Like what?” Saved by the bell, or the knock I guess, we all turned and looked at the front door.

“That must be the pizza we ordered.” Steve said, moving from the couch.

“Let me get it, it’s the least I can do.” I offered, moving off the couch and in front of him.

“You’re out of a job.” Peggy pointed out.

“And I still have $25 million to my name.”

“What?!” They both said at the same time...again. I think that was the first time all week that I genuinely laughed. I could feel the smile on my face as I opened the door...and I could feel it fall a few seconds later.

We both just stared at each other as if there was nothing to say despite all the questions I had. After what seemed like forever he finally spoke.

“Hi.” Was all he said...that was all he had to say?!

My heart was telling me to say something to him, to ask him what happened, to get the answers that I needed. My head was thinking something completely different.

Before I could even register what was happening I had slapped him hard across the face followed by a slam of the door.

“Did you just slap the pizza man?” Peggy asked.

“No.”

“Oh...you take him, I’ll take her?” She said to Steve.

“Yeah.”

“No, I want to talk to him.”

“You just slapped him.”

“I was angrier than I thought.” I opened the door before they could stop me and moved out of the way so he could come in. “I’m not apologizing.”

“I deserved it.”

There was an awkward silence that followed and I just watched him, not really wanting to look away but not really wanting to look at him either.

“Well, this awkward silence is awesome and all but is there a reason you stopped by Bucky?” Steve asked.

“I just didn’t want to sit at my apartment all alone, but I can leave, you guys were probably doing something.”

“You can swing by tomorrow.”

“That sounds good.” He turned to leave, but I couldn’t just let him leave.

“Bucky, wait.”

“Yeah?”

“Why now?”

“What?”

“You used to tell me everything, we’ve always trusted one another. So why now, why this secret?” He looked at me with sad eyes, eyes that looked like he wanted to tell me and yet when he opened his mouth nothing came out. “You can’t tell me, can you?” I feel like I looked pretty sad, which seemed to catch his attention. He moved closer to me and placed his hands on both sides of my cheeks, holding me like he used to.

“I really want to, It’s been killing me. It’s like I’ve...I’ve been gagged, you know. I can want to say everything that I’ve been holding back and yet I can’t. Я хочу вернуться в Москву. Я хочу, чтобы все вернулось к тому, как это было. (I want to go back to Moscow. I want everything back to how it was.)

“Я также.” (Me too.)

And then as he usually does, he did the unexpected. When he left me alone in Moscow I had always assumed that I had done something to turn him away from me. And then the more I thought about the note the more confused I got, wondering why it seemed like a temporary pause in our relationship. And yet I had always assumed that we could tell each other anything, and if he couldn’t tell me what was happening now then something must have changed, right? So the very last thing I expected him to do was kiss me.

As much as I didn’t want to give in to him, I could feel myself physically sink against him and relax into the kiss. After not having seen him for a week, I couldn’t help but take this moment and remember exactly the way that he made me feel before he left. It was easy for me to love him, I just wasn’t sure how easy it would be to forget him, or even if I wanted to. There were so many thoughts going through my head, that I was never going to get him out.

He pulled away from me, holding me for just a second more before letting me go completely.

“I’ll see you soon.” He said before he left. I watched the door until my brain caught up with what happened, despite not understanding it at all. I turned around to face Steve and Peggy with a confused look on my face.

“Please tell me that you guys just saw that.”

“Yeah, why?” Steve said.

“I wanted to make sure I didn’t dream that.”

“No, that happened.”

“You guys are so cute together!” Peggy said way to excited.

“Well I’m glad you think so, because I’m just more confused.”

“I think I can help there.”

“How?”

“I think I know what’s happening.”

“What?”

“Something funny happened when he was talking to you.”

“Like?”

“When he was talking about being gagged, he looked at me.”

“He looked at you?” Steve asked.

“Yeah.”

“I noticed that too. I couldn’t see where exactly he was looking but he looked away from me when he said that.”

“So I have a theory, one that would make a lot of sense.”

“Okay.”

“A gag order.”

“Okay?”

“A gag order prevents lawyers, witnesses, and other people involved in a lawsuit from giving information to media sources or an unauthorized third party.”

“But what lawsuit? There’s nothing going on that would involve him.”

“Nothing on your grandmother or Jackson’s lawsuits?”

“Not that I know of. I mean he punched Jackson, but I don’t think anything happened after that that would cause a lawsuit.”

“Okay…”

“What about his contract? It’s the only other legal thing I could think of.”

“I didn’t see anything in his contract that he had violated or would give cause to a lawsuit. But…”

“But what?”

“You have a contract with the network right?”

“Of course.”

“Then maybe it’s your contract that’s the problem.”

“My contract?”

“The whole point of the dating show is for him to date the other women on the show, or coworkers. So in his contract there can’t be anything that prohibits him from seeing coworkers when that’s the whole plot of the show.”

“Right.”

“But your contract could have the clause just like most other workplaces.”

“Okay, so let’s say that this is possible. First there’s no proof that Bucky and I have been anything more than friends. Second can they bring a lawsuit against me because I decided to date a coworker?”

“Yes and no. No if all they had was a suspicion. Yes, if they have proof and you’ve given reason to.”

“Given reason to?”

“Caused them problems, cost them money. For instance, let’s say that Jackson decided to charge Bucky with assault charges for that punch. Because it happened on network property it would technically be up to the network to cover the legal fees, which can stack up. They could say that because the two of you were together it caused Bucky to be reckless. They can twist things however they want if they have proof.”

“The gag order?”

“You and Bucky aren’t married so lawyers could use him against you. The gag order keeps him from telling you anything. And him keeping his distance from you could help prove to the network that you weren’t seeing each other and not give them the grounds for a lawsuit.”

“So would this ever end?”

“There is a way.”

“What?”

“He has to choose someone on the show.”

“Great.”

“The one thing that always threw me off about his contract was that there was never anything that stated what would happen if he didn’t complete the show, like if he quit for instance.”

“How is that bad?”

“It leaves a loophole, a pretty good one for the network. See, if he doesn’t finish the show it leaves a hole in the contract that could allow the network to set up other shows for him to be on, as well as the two remaining girls. The contract is completely fulfilled when he chooses a girl on the show.”

“And he won’t be a coworker anymore.”

“Which means if he decides to see you after the show is over then they can’t hang that over your head.”

“A couple of weeks, the letter said a couple of weeks, like when the show is over.”

“And you’ll be done with the network.”

“So if this is true...and that’s a big if, you think I should wait this out?”

“I think he has a reason for what he did and I think that he loves you. And if he says a couple of weeks then maybe hear him out in a couple of weeks.”

“In all of the years that I’ve known Bucky, him leaving like he did was the most out of character thing he had ever done. And I know how much he loves you, so waiting for the show to be over and waiting for him to explain, is the least you could ever give for a lifetime of happiness. Some people never meet the person that they’re supposed to be with for the rest of their lives. So if all you have to do is wait a week to be with him, then I say wait.” Steve chipped in, saying something for the first time in a while.

“Okay.”

“Okay?” They both asked.

“Okay.” I could feel the smile on my face just thinking about it. One week. It seemed that I had waited my whole life to be with him, so I could do one more week.

With the rest of the night we watched movies and finally got our pizza. Steve ran out and bought us some ice cream and for the first time since Bucky left me alone in Moscow, I had a really great night.

PART THIRTEEN

Tell Me What You Think Here

Tags: @fangirl1802, @seargantbcky, @lust-for-pan, @38leticia, @barnes-and-noble-girl, @karipaleta, @capandbuck, @camillechan, @findacauseandserveit, @audasia25, @kendallefire , @alicerozenju, @snuggleducky, @mell-bell, @lifeasabookbutterfly, @the-red-world-of-jess-chibi, @iamwarrenspeace, @ssweet-empowerment, @chook007 , @juliagolia87, @jjsoccer11, @smol-flower-kiddo, @mrsdaamneron, @isaxhorror, @barnesism, @thatgirlrowan, @linki-locks11, @janeyboo, @vgurl18, @guera31, @bornfortherainydays, @carryonmy-assbutt,

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confinesofpersonalknowledge · 6 years ago

Text

the m diaries

a series of short fics i wrote for my friend, who I am lucky enough to share a birthday with! this is for you, m, even if it’s late <3

pairings: logicality, background prinxiety

word count: 3667

warnings: i don’t think there are any for this? its the most fluff i’ve ever written. please tell me if i need to tag something!

taglist (general): @romanamongthestars @heir-of-the-founders @anthoscopus @ocotopushugs

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part one - a worthwhile ‘whisk’

It’s not a secret that Patton likes to bake - he does it often, and he does it well, and the others are not hesitant to show their appreciation of Patton’s baked goods. To say that Patton is a lover of food is to underestimate greatly, in Logan’s observations of the other Side.

It’s commonplace to find the other Side in the kitchen, a delicious smell wafting from the room alongside the hum of whatever song Patton was deciding to obsess over that day. Many days, it was a tune from Disney. Roman was quick to join in, happily singing along to whichever song Patton chose, dancing majestically in the dining area - alone, or with a partner. These days, he seemed to enjoy tugging Virgil into his dances, much to the blushing chagrin of the anxious Side.

Sometimes Roman or Virgil are recruited by Patton to help bake. Usually, this is a subtle maneuver from Patton whenever he notices that either is feeling particularly high-strung that day, lashing out more, or simply a bit quicker to give a reaction. And usually, he’s successful in cheering the others up, two flour-covered cheeks stretched in a dimpled simple difficult to ignore even by someone having the worst of days.

He’s yet to invite Logan into such an activity, though Logan supposes that, too, makes sense. Logan is rarely prone to the overly-emotional outbursts of the other three - he finds them frivolous and oftentimes unnecessary to achieving the best possible task. As such, Patton is less likely to notice when Logan is feeling particularly uncharitable, or, as he likes to put it, down in the dumps.

Usually, though, when Logan is feeling in such a way, he finds himself in the Commons, curled with a book he pretends to read as he listens to the consistent, calming noises of Patton rustling about in the kitchen, with his consistent humming. Logan finds comfort in the softness of their home in such moments, the simpleness of simply existing alongside Patton without need of their interaction, and getting along without saying a word. It’s… nice.

So finding Patton curled on one end of the couch, the cardigan Logan gave him fully on, no music or light streaming from the kitchen as the Commons are unusually enveloped in darkness is… surprising to say the least. Patton doesn’t say a word when Logan settles down next to him, barely glancing up at him. Though, in the brief moment where their eyes met, Logan suspects that he spotted a glimpse of bright tears swimming in Patton’s eyes.

Frowning to himself as he stood, Logan quietly made his way to the kitchen, flicking on the lights and ignoring the twing of something deep in his chest at the way Patton sniffled quietly in the Commons. Gathering the ingredients, vessels, and utensils necessary for Patton’s favourite dessert - triple fudge brownies - he began to quietly and gently place them on the counter, hoping they would catch the other Side’s interest.

When it’s been a few minutes and Logan has found himself halfway through the recipe with no sign of gaining Patton’s attention, he decides a more nuanced approach may be appropriate. Wiping his face on his shoulder, unknowingly smearing flour on his face, Logan washes his hands and quickly exits the kitchen, making the short way over to where the huddled form of Patton Sanders continues to sit.

Sitting down gently next to him, Logan waits until Patton spares him a glance to offer him an uncertain smile. When Patton does a double-take, that smile becomes a little more genuine, and surprisingly, a laugh bubbles in Logan’s throat when Patton pulls out of the curled position he had previously assumed - which must have been terrible on the Side’s back - to stare at him in shock. Standing up, offering a hand to help Patton do the same, Logan gently asks, “Would you like to bake with me?”

The beaming, though slightly wet, smile that Patton gives him is answer enough. Hours later, when Roman and Virgil descend the stairs into the Commons, drawn by the housewarming, drool-inducing smell of the triple fudge brownies set to bake in the oven, they find the forms of Patton and Logan in the kitchen, covered in flour and other various ingredients. Both are laughing, faces aglow under the crappy kitchen lights as they steal unknowing glances each other, admiration clear in their gazes. Both are oblivious to the outside world, and the knowing glances that Roman and Virgil slant at them, lost in each other’s eyes and the happiness they find hidden deep inside.

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part two - a four-am snack

See, the problem isn’t really the time; four-am is no stranger to Logan, not with his tendency to go off on late-night binges on Wikipedia, always constantly searching for new information, new things that he hadn’t known before, something to settle the restless itch in his mind that always pushes him to learn more, know more, find out more. It usually ends in badly-hidden dark circles under his eyes, and the slightly disapproving frown Patton slants at him in the mornings, forcing Logan to hide the slight hurt he feels at the look.

That is - being awake at four-am is not something new for Logan. For Patton, however, is another story altogether. The man is the very definition of early mornings and early nights - Logan doesn’t think he’s ever seen the pure embodiment of sunshine stay awake beyond 11pm on any night. And he’s always awake, no matter what, at 6am, in the kitchen happily humming as the delicious smells of breakfast waft through the house.

So, on the rare night in which Logan is actually asleep at four-am, he’s rather surprised to find Patton gently shaking him awake, grin bright and happy under his glasses. It’s far too bright for four in the morning, but Logan finds that he cannot bring himself to truly complain. Not when the full force of the same smile is directed straight at him, even if it is at four in the morning.

Speaking of which.

“Patton… why, exactly, are the two of us awake at four in the morning?” Logan asks, voice heavy with sleep as he pushes himself onto his elbows. Patton doesn’t reply, simply raising an excited finger to his lip in a shushing motion and grabbing Logan’s wrist, warm fingers curling snuggly around it.

Logan is suddenly glad it is too dark for Patton to see the red that crawls up his neck. He lets the shorter Side bounce ahead of him, eyes watching the bounce of soft curls as they head down the stairs.

The Commons are silent, save for the quiet fall of rain in the backyard outside. For once, the TV and the radio are off, silence settling into the Commons in a way that it rarely does when all four of them are awake. Darkness has quietly befallen the Commons, shadows gently reaching sleepy fingers towards the center of the room, where Patton happens to be dragging Logan anyway.

Logan follows the Side, mostly in a sleepy haze of confusion, until Patton is dragging him to sit down on the couch, the blinds having been opened to the outside world. Rain falls heavily and steadily, the world occasionally illuminated by flashing glimpses of lighting far in the distance, thunder rumbling quietly and comfortingly. Patton doesn’t say a word, but aims another one of his blindingly beautiful smiles at Logan, and Logan… understands, suddenly, what Patton wants from him without a single word.

Gently, he relaxes into the couch, feet drawing up underneath him in a comfortable fold as Patton settles in comfortably next to him. Silence curls around them, blanketing the moment in a kind of peace difficult to find in their rushing, energy-filled home during the day. And Logan could understand why Patton awoke him - for this, for a moment such as this, Logan wouldn’t mind waking up a million times.

The peace is a fragile thing, really - easily broken by the slightest of movement or the softest of noise. The background of the falling rain is soothing, a quiet reassurance to busy minds that moments of solitude and recuperation are available. Moments like these are difficult to find and even harder to catch. Some distant part of Logan is unimaginably grateful that Patton invited him to one - and chose to share it with Logan.

Eventually, Logan’s eyes slip close, his head tilting dangerously until he finds himself leaning on Patton. It draws a wide-eyed gaze from Patton, one that is quick to soften into something highly akin to fondness and love. Shifting them slightly into a much more comfortable position, Patton places a gentle kiss at Logan’s dark brow before slipping off both their glasses. Closing his own eyes, Patton allows himself to drift off.

In front of them, rain continues to gently fall. Lightning flashes illuminate both their faces as they sleep, a soft, different kind of peace settling quietly over the sleeping pair.

All is well.

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part three - a field day of flowers

It starts with Roman and Patton, and their overly-enthusiastic love of flowers, gardens, and flower gardens. And Virgil, who apparently spent one Wikipedia-fueled night with Logan on a binge of flower meanings and is unable to say no to Patton’s puppy dog eyes. Not that he has to, with Roman aiming a hopeful smirk at him. Virgil is especially weak to those, as Logan has come to note over the last few weeks.

It ends with Logan’s hair full of flowers, and Patton bounding up to him, grin firmly in place as he shoves bouquets of multi-coloured roses into Logan’s arm. How they end up there is the true story.

Logan finds that Roman has a very unsubtle way of trying to subtly pushing him into asking Patton out. That is - the field they are currently in is absolutely chock full of flowers that symbolize romance, and different forms of love that Logan does not necessarily want to admit that he feels.

They are bright and beautiful, much like Patton, who very much has a fondness of bright and beautiful things. Which means that when Patton goes running off to the fields, hands curling around wild red carnations, Logan cannot help the red flush that travel up his neck. And at the question Patton poses him, curls bouncing as he tilts his head, Logan has to take a moment for himself before he can bring himself to answer. After all, red carnations represent deep romantic love, as well as passion, and Roman is really bad at being subtle.

Logan spots Virgil’s influences when he sees jasmines in the distance, the long-stemmed white flower catching Patton’s eye at the same time it does Logan’s. And Logan remembers a distant conversation, months prior under a starry sky and a nervous Virgil far too anxious about approaching a certain prince in regards to his feelings. Logan had remembered jasmines, then, sitting under the stars with his best friend - remembered that they had a symbol for unconditional and eternal love. Patton comes dashing up with a gentle handful of them, quietly threading them into Logan’s hair as he stands stock-still, a blush alighting both their faces even as they avoid each others’ gazes.

Purple bellflowers are next to join the wild array of flowers in Roman’s field and Logan’s hair. Patton finds them, quietly cooing over how they remind him of Virgil even as he picks them, holding them out gently to Logan. By now, the blush is something far more permanent, stuck on his face as Patton gently tucks two bellflowers behind each of Logan’s ears. He’s not entirely sure that Patton is truly understand the meaning of the flowers he is presenting to Logan like a gift - bellflowers are said to symbolize unwavering love, after all.

It is the similar story with the asters, though Logan is the one to point out the small area where the white-and-yellow flowers grow. He isn’t really sure why he did it, though some instinct drove him to do it, some art of him wondering if Patton would appreciate the flower as he quietly explained the meaning of asters. (They were symbols of love, of trust.)

And that is the story of how they end up here - with Logan and an arrangement of flowers in his hair, each one more romantic in meaning, and Patton running up with more in his hand.

Except these are roses - red and white, together, coming together to represent a union, and red alone to mean true love - and Logan is not sure Patton is fully aware of the meaning his actions hold, of the things he has communicated silently to Logan. And Logan - he cannot bear it, cannot have false hope in the light of things unsaid, not when a large part of his world teeters hopefully on the axis of the brightness in Patton’s eyes, and the pangs of sadness that overcome him when that brightness dulls, even for a moment. Of this, Logan must be sure.

And so he asks, voice quiet and gentle and hopeful despite his every attempt to keep it impassive. To be sure that he is not selling his heart away to someone who does not want, has never wanted it.

Patton only smiles and boops Logan’s nose, smiling as he calls Logan silly, saying that he’s been trying to send a message the entire time.

Logan smiles.

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part four - a midnight wait

It is 5 minutes away from midnight on the night of April 30th, and Logan is suddenly nervous. It’s like every minute has slowed down to a crawl as he awaits the inevitable striking of midnight, and the shift into May - May 1st being, of course, Patton’s day of birth.

He’s likely being irrational about this event in its entirety. It is not, in any shape or form whatsoever, unusual or irrational to stay awake until the moment when a new day is born simply to extend birthday wishes to a friend - Logan has experienced the same from his friends often. But Patton - Patton is not just any other friend. No, he cannot be, not with the giant crush Logan has on him.

4 minutes now, and all Logan can think about is Patton’s bright blue eyes and the way they light up behind his glasses whenever he sees Logan. The rush of happiness Logan gets at seeing the happiness in Patton’s eyes, the way the blue eyes see more, understand more than anyone else Logan has known. Here is the truth, raw and honest, if Logan was to ever give it: Patton is much smarter than others make him out to be, much smarter than he himself makes him out to be. After all, intelligence is not simply a measure of knowledge useful in schools - there are countless kinds of intelligence, and Patton is the most emotionally-intelligent person Logan has ever had the pleasure to know, the pleasure to be friends with. It is all written in his eyes.

3 minutes, and Logan’s thoughts shift to Patton’s smile. It has never failed to draw the attention of people - it’s the biggest compliment Patton gets, that his smile is wide and beautiful. And, seeing it from an absolutely objective viewpoint, it is a beautiful smile - the most beautiful Logan has seen adorning the frankly perfect beautiful face of the most wonderful human Logan has had the privilege of knowing. Patton’s smile is enough to light up a room, enough to bring cheer even to the most of upset of people when all else has failed. It’s one of the most wonderful things about him.

2 minutes, and Logan is suddenly struck with the image of Patton’s freckles. They’re everywhere, adorning most of Patton’s face with their grace and their beauty, and Logan wants to spend every day of his life counting them over and over again, tracing the constellations in them and finding new ones. They’re mini-stars on Patton’s cheek, an universe spreading itself across the bridge of Patton’s nose for Logan to appreciate in the moments when there is quiet and peace across the room - and sometimes in the ones where there is not. He’s often been caught staring at the freckles, mentally counting them, tallying up the counts in his mind and committing them to his memory.

1 minute - Logan is truly nervous now, a strange kind of energy humming in him as his grip tightens around his phone. This birthday feels different somehow, as if it means more than a simple wish on a simple minute. He and Patton have been dancing around each other for awhile now, neither acknowledging their emotions or doing something that would bring their awkward dance to a stop, neither willing to take the initiative if the other isn’t. But of course, each moment is important, and as Logan sits in bed, phone in hand, he knows that this birthday will bring something new into his life, and into Patton’s.

0 minutes.

Me to Patton <3: Happy Birthday, Patton. May all the wishes you may want come true.

Patton <3 to you: Aww, thank you Logan! See you later today! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

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part five - dental shenanigans

Logan has a tendency to wear a straight face like a mask - neutrality is his natural state, and oftentimes it is mistakenly misread for displeasure. It’s highly ever the case - Logan is a serious man, and he does not like to display his emotions for everyone to see. He takes them for a sign of weakness - he should be strong enough that he is the only one he needs to deal with, and understand his emotions, in his mind. It’s a mentality Patton works hard to get rid of.

Of course, that is a Logan who is not high on anesthesia following a dental procedure. A Logan who is high on anesthesia is a completely different story, as Patton is about to learn.

It’s like this - a high Logan is one that lowers the boundaries he has, the walls he has built to exclude almost every and isolate himself into a fortress of solitude, as illogical as it may be. Which means he’s no longer suppressing the emotions that rise and fall in his chest like waves.

Patton sees this when he first enters the room, Logan’s eyes immediately jump to Patton, forgetting everything and everyone else in the room as a wide grin splits his lips, Patton’s name tumbling out his mouth in a happy cry. The nurse shook her head fondly in the corner, knowing she’d lost the war for the man’s attention from the moment a nervous-looking Patton had stepped into the room.

Patton, for his part, was no less dramatic. He was quick to run over to Logan’s side, grabbing his hand as he stared in worry at the usually stoic man, not registering that Virgil had ducked into the room behind him, phone ready in his hand as he snickered quietly to himself, video already rolling. He had eyes only for Logan, and it seemed that Logan only had eyes for Patton.

This would be fun to show to Logan when he wasn’t quite as loopy in the morning, but for now, Virgil was going to take as much advantage of this as he could. Nothing like a little bit of blackmail for the man who had piles of blackmail on the others, stored safely away.

Virgil has to bite his lips to stop his laughter when Logan suddenly throws his arms around Patton’s shoulders, loudly declaring him the most perfect of angels, giggling as Patton automatically hugged him back before quietly whispering that Patton gave the best hugs, ever.

Roman was really going to hate that he’d missed this, especially because Virgil was too busy shaking with laughter to really hold the camera steady. It was an experience in-and-of itself to see Logan so… open with his emotions, especially in front of people he wasn’t familiar with in the first place. And for the man to do it so flamboyantly, as well, in a manner that didn’t fail to remind Virgil of Roman’s overly-extravagant way of speaking and acting altogether. It was as if Logan was a whole new man in such a loopy state.

Though it was becoming clearer that Patton didn’t quite know how to handle Logan in such a state, judging by the way that Patton clung to Logan, not allowing him to fall but not really holding him as if he was hugging him. Virgil supposed it was fair enough - none of them had really ever seen Logan so… extra, before.

Before Virgil can do anything, however, Logan pulls away, hands coming up to grab Patton’s face as he gasps, before loudly and suddenly asking, “Oh my god, are you an angel?”

Patton giggles lightly, reaching up and fixing the crooked glasses on Logan’s face before responding, “No, I’m Patton, silly.”

Logan gasps again, hands covering Patton’s own on his face, “But that’s the best thing to be! Patton’s are so cool, and fun, and nice, and sweet, and smart, and funny, and they make the best puns! My Patton is really, really cool! Have you met him?”

Virgil laughs at the blush covering Patton’s entire face, though Patton’s voice is steady as he responds, “Really? You should really tell your Patton you feel this way. I bet he would be really happy if you did.”

Logan smiles sleepily at Patton, eyes blinking slowly as he whispers, “Okay, Patton! If you say so, though no telling him! I want to tell him when I wake up, okay? No telling Patton, you have to pinky promise me.”

Patton pinky-promises Logan, and Logan only smiles again, before succumbing to his own exhaustion and slipping into sleep, hand still holding Patton’s lightly, their pinkies linked. Patton makes no move to unlink them, even as Virgil approaches quietly, ready to tease the hell out of his friend.

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#logicality #logan sanders #patton sanders #virgil sanders #roman sanders #sanders side fic #logicality fluff #so much fluff #background prinxiety #an writes #my writing #AHH PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS ILL LOVE U FOREVER #I CRY THIS TOOK ME SO LONG TO WRITE #IM NOT GOOD AT FLUFF BE GENTLE PLS #hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhnnnnnnnnn

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