#anyways i ended up remembering this moment and went insane and posted it

[xlillyle]

"We can delay the mission for another two minutes."

[widevibratobitch]

i hate them with a passion

[dear-ao3]

what IS going down with daniel? ive seen a few things about it but nothing that actually explains (i am very much not an f1 person, apart from knowing some names from what you guys post lol)

ah yes. daniel ricciardo's fall from grace.

daniel ricciardo is a driver at vcarb. vcarb is the second team of red bull racing. red bull wins stuff, vcarb is meant to ready drivers to get into the red bull team.

daniel was previously a red bull driver and he was doing well there. he was the number one driver at the team for a few years (meaning he was prioritized over his teammate because he was the "better" or "more successful" driver) and red bull wasnt really winning anything at that time, but they weren't sucking. i think he joined red bull around 2014? was teammates with Sebastian vettel (who had won 4 consecutive championships with red bull fro 2010-2013) for a year until he went to ferrari, then was teammates with daniil kyvat for another year and then i think it was partway through 2016 max verstappen, who was at toro rosso (the old team name for vcarb) got swapped with daniil who was "under performing" (red bull do this a lot) and max became Daniels teammate

at first this was fine. max was really young, like 18 years old really young, and daniel had a few more seasons under his belt. daniel was still the number 1 driver. but max was kind of wild and insane and regarded as a future world champion and after a while he started getting better and better and becoming more of a threat to daniel

i need to stress here that the two of them were friends. like absolutely they were friends. they aparently shared hotel rooms and lived in the same building for awhile. they are very good friends. that was not the problem that they hated eachother.

the problem was that daniel wanted to win a world championship and he couldnt win a world championship if the team decided to prioritize max over him.

this all came to a head in 2018. daniels contract was up at the end of the year. the car was fast but not quite fast enough to win the championship, though they did manage to get a few good wins in that year (namely daniel won in monaco which is a big deal) but they also had some shit moments (max and daniel both crashed into eachother while max (?) was leading the race in baku) and the car had some technical problems, mainly with the engine. the engine was a renault engine (renault was another team on the grid, only so many comapnies or teams make f1 engines so multiple teams use the same engine) and it kept literally exploding. daniel was making it work (he won monaco unable to shift past like 3rd gear) but it was not ideal if you want to win a world championship

red bull was set to change their engine provider for 2019 and they were going to go with honda. but daniel was still unconvinced because honda hadn't done f1 engines before (or recently i dont remember which) and also there was the whole max thing.

everyone was still convinced he was going to resign with red bull. but he didnt. he signed with renault. the team with the bad engines.

renault were no closer a championship winning team than red bull were, they were actually slightly behind red bull in the championship at that point. and this shocked everyone. why did daniel choose this? well he wanted to be a teams number 1 driver and also he liked the project they were working towards and whatever whatever etc. anyway this doesnt pan out. daniel was at renault for 2 years and then signed with mclaren.

which was by all accounts a disaster. mclaren at this point were still a flaming hot disaster. (mclaren prior to mid season last year were a definitively mid field car). his teammate was lando and lando had only 2 years of experience in f1 and was still quite young (20 i think) but lando essentially had a better time driving the car than daniel did. which no one was expecting. daniel did manage to win a race with them though, in monza in 2022. mclarens first win in many many years.

despite that, he was not treated well. it was easy to see. he looked underweight a lot, looked generally miserable and clearly the team didnt really care too much about him. he and lando were friends though, which was good. media tried to pit the two of them against eachother, but they were and still are good friends.

anyway. daniel's contract was supposed to run through 2023. mclaren and daniel supposedly both elected to end it early at the end of 2022 (mclaren signed oscar as a replacement) leaving daniel without a seat and retired

which was not great. daniels a big personality in f1, hes a funny guy, he says out of pocket stuff, hes goofy and whatever else. people like him, hes fun. so this was upsetting to see the spark leave him and then also see him leave the sport.

adding salt to the wound here, max won the championship in 2021 and 2022

so he got a call from Christian horner, the red bull team principal. christian is not a great guy but he likes daniel. he invites daniel back to red bull as a third driver, which basically means he does pr.

now remember the junior red bull team. in 2023 it was called alpha tauri and yuki tsunoda was there along with nyck devries. nyck had had an awful season by mid point and scored no points. christian had daniel do some tests in one of the red bull cars, his numbers were good and promising and what do you know daniel was back on the grid as a driver at alpha tauri. it seemed the plan was to leave him there for the rest of the season then maybe swap him with checo peer, the second driver at red bull, for the following year.

Daniel ended up breaking his hand a few races back at zandvoort and was replaced briefly by liam lawson, who was the red bull and alpa tauri reserve driver. liam lawson did better than anyone expected and managed to get points and also knock max verstappen out of qualifying in his most dominant season ever.

daniel finished out the last 5 races of the year and had a contract with vcarb (name changed again) for 2024.

checo had a rough end to the 2023 season and it was rumored for awhile that they were going to swap daniel and checo at the start of 2024 but this never panned out. most cause it seemed like daniel was not performing as well as they thought he would. there were a few times where everyone thought he was going to get cut and get replaced by liam lawson again who is still on deck. checo also got resigned at red bull for 2025 and despite having a not so great run for awhile is still on the team.

daniel has not been re signed for 2025

the rumors bounce back and forth every week. some weeks people say hes leaving some weeks people say hes getting promoted to red bull. he generally ignores them. but its no secret he wants to go back to red bull to finish his career.

this all came to a head this weekend in singapore.

heading into the weekend there were some heavy rumors that daniel was going to be replaced by liam lawson for the last 6 races because daniel is underperforming. and this was a Strong rumor. so strong in fact that it started to get properly addressed by commentators and announcers.

why would red bull pick now to swap him? not sure. williams did a driver swap a few weeks ago and that has worked in their favor. it would also i guess let them see if liam still has what it takes for 2025. whos to say.

in any case. daniel had a bad qualifying and ended the race in 18/18. however. at the end, they pitted him to get soft tires. (the fastest ones) to potentially get him the fastest lap of the race.

fastest lap of the race gets you one extra championship point if youre in the top 10. and daniel was not in the top 10 but it would take the point away from lando norris, who was winning in his mclaren by almost 30 seconds. lando is behind max in the drivers championship standings by about 50 something points and slowly gaining.

so daniel ricciardo, in what might have been his last ever f1 race, goes balls to the walls in a slightly shit box mid field car, on the second to last lap, and pulls out what is not only the fastest lap, but the track record fastest lap, taking a point away from lando norris, who drives for the team that mistreated him so badly and kicked him out of the sport the first time, all to help max verstappen, his ex teammate and the very reason why he left red bull in the first place, win the championship.

yeah.

anyway, all of the commentators were treating it like it was daniels last race. they asked him what his emotions were getting out of the car and he almost cried in the interview, they showed him a montage of his career, the whole team was waiting for him outside of the hospitality when he got back, he got voted driver of the day by the fans despite being virtually in last place. it seems like hes done and he knows hes done but unfortunately no one can say anything about it yet.

which is unfortunate. as i said everyone likes him. and it was general consensus of everyone announcing this weekend that he deserved a better send off than this weird cut right before the end of the season. for someone who has in fact done so much for red bull, it feels like theyre shooting him in the foot.

[actual-changeling]

when gabriel/jim (jabriel?? gim?????) talks about his "one particular person", aziraphale's smile is such a blink and you will miss it moment but so incredibly precious and we don't pay enough attention to it.

so, welcome to another round of alex's unhinged meta corner where i over-analyse micro expressions while losing some more braincells.

firstly, here's a clip of that scene just so we are all on the same page since i don't know how much time everyone else spends watching that show. don't ask me it's probably at least 6 hours a day at this point

what i want to focus on is aziraphale's reaction to jabriel's words right after "person". did i slow the clip down and then go through it frame by frame to get the following screencaps? yes. yes i did.

there are two parts to this, the spaced-out smile and then his shock/fear. also before we start can i just say how fucking insane whoever made the trailer was for putting the 1941 dinner scene RIGHT THERE??? with THAT expression??????? yeah. no. i need therapy for that alone.

anyway.

while he is talking, aziraphale is looking at jabriel the entire time, but honestly, i don't think he is actually seeing him, he's neck-deep in his memories of crowley. he as that sparkle in his eyes he tends to get around crowley/looking at crowley and that smile appears rather slowly (or as slow as something can be while lasting less than a second).

personally, i'd call that expression "completely and utterly in love" or besotted if you wanna keep it simple. a content little smile meant for no one except himself, the kinda look he probably wears in private while calling crowley to ask him to come hang out. aziraphale loves him and in this short moment, he knows it - and so do we.

when jabriel (preferable over gim, in my opinion) trails off, aziraphale remembers that hey, wait a minute. that's my boss. that's the archangel fucking gabriel. he can't know about me and crowley.

at this point, neither we nor he know what exactly is up with jabriel, so there is a very real danger that everything aziraphale says or shows will be reported back to heaven. the shock sets in, the smile disappear and aziraphale falls from cloud 9 (pun intended) and lands face first back on earth.

while aziraphale does not have crowley's memory of what exactly went down in heaven when they tried to burn him to a crisp, he has always been incredibly anxious around gabriel and the other archangel. he is fidgeting, unable to stand still or even keep his gaze from flicking around. the only moment he calms is, you guessed it, when he is zoned out and thinking of crowley.

the very real fear that settles on his face is not just about himself, it is mostly about crowley. if heaven knows, hell will, too. everyone knows about the back channels, most just try and keep up plausible deniability. the fact that it is michael who seems to be directly in contact with hell for the most part and not gabriel is worthy of its own post at some point.

another thing worth mentioning is that aziraphale is so afraid, in fact, that he physically backs away from jabriel and gets as much distance between them as possible. jabriel looks like a lost toddler, very non-threatening, but the trauma runs so deep that it does not matter how much of a danger he really is right now. he has been a constant threat for over six thousand years, you cannot deconstruct your view of a person, especially your boss, that quickly. not even if they turn up with total amnesia on your doorstep. naked.

this was less unhinged than some of my other posts but i think this is a moment that gets overlooked a lot. at least i haven't seen anyone talking about it yet since we are all understandably focused on the ending of episode 6.

[cityofjieun]

★ . . . . -ˏˋ 2KIDS ROOMˊˎ | EP. 3 - JIA x HAN

date: february 2022 era: maniac word count: 1.4K

a/n: this took a lot longer than i planned and i'm not sure if i like it but if i don't post it now i literally never will. 2 ji is a realtionship thats very dear to me so i hope i did them justice. please lemme know what you think 🙇🏽‍♀️

THE 2KR INTRO PLAYS, FEATURING A COMPILATION OF THE TWO GIGGLING AT EACH OTHER’S EXPENSE, THE OTHER MEMBER USUALLY STARING BLANKLY OR STRUGGLING TO NOT RETURN THE SMILE.

HAN: [sitting on the couch by himself, looking off camera] are you going to come over here so we can start or are you going to stall a little longer?

JIA: [OFF CAMERA] i’m waiting for manager-nim to find the clause in my contract that says i wouldn't have to film with han-ssi outside of group schedules... i think this is a mistake.

HAN: [GIGGLING BUT LOOKING TOWARD THE CAMERA] do you see how difficult jia-nim is… aish, she’s caught the celebrity disease.

JIA: and you would know all about that, oppa-nim [ SITTING DOWN ON THE COUCH ] i mean, you caught it before you were even famous.

HAN: okay, moving on!

꩜

SEUNGMIN: han and jia.

FELIX: they’re like oil and vinegar.

CHANGBIN: in what way??

CHAN: they don’t mix necessarily, but they still go together well.

[ FELIX HUMS IN AGREEMENT ]

꩜

JIA: [ CLAPS ] chidongz 2kids room!

HAN: i still don't know how to feel about that?

JIA: you learn to live with it, i mean it’s a cuter way of calling us rodents…

HAN: [SIGHS]

JIA: anyways, when was the last time we hung out, han-ssi?

HAN: i remember we watched that j-drama you saw on tiktok together but i can’t exactly remember when that was. i see you so much that it kind of blurs together.

JIA: honestly, we are together a lot. you are a homebody, so we don’t actually go out as much as i wish we would, but we usually hang out together at the dorms.

꩜

HYUNJIN: have you noticed that they always tend to end up at our dorm?

JEONGIN: which is interesting, because you'd think jisung-hyung would just come over to ours more because jieun and lino-hyung are there and he could kill two birds with one stone.

[ THE TWO LAUGH]

MINHO: ??

HYUNJIN: that gives him too much credit, it's too sensible.

MINHO: [POINTEDLY IGNORING HYUNJIN] i think it's because jisung-ah thrives in his own personal space, while being home for too long might make jieunnie feel a bit trapped.

꩜

HAN: but we did go out recently to... [TRAILING OFF] umm… what was it…

JIA: [CUTTING HIM OFF] so the time we spend together means nothing.

HAN: stop.

[ THEY STOP LOOKING AT EACH OTHER SERIOUSLY FOR A MOMENT BEFORE JISUNG BREAK INTO LAUGHTER FOLLOWED BY JIEUN ]

JIA: anyways! we went to a cafe in hannam-dong i really wanted to try. i saw it in yoon seung-ah’s vlogs. they’re known for their bagels and that location specifically has a pretty view of the river so i wanted to take insta pictures.

HAN: OH! and we got lost trying to find it?

JIA: because you insisted, we didn't need directions. HAN: [ROLLS EYES] hey, we found it eventually, didn't we? JIA: after wandering around for an hour! by the time we got there the wait was insane.

HAN: [UNDER HIS BREATH] yeah and the bagels were a bit mid for how long we waited.

JIA: we wouldn’t have had to so long if some had gotten up when i told him to originally AND actually used his phone maps [WACKING HIS SHOULDER TO EMPHAZISE HER POINT]

[THE TWO START TO BAT AT EACH OTHER BEFORE THE SCENCE CUTS]

JIA: i think we should go on a trip together next time we have a vacation. we’ve never gone anywhere just the two of us like that it could be fun.

HAN: a vacation with you….

JIA: what’s that supposed to mean???

HAN: i’m kidding i’m kidding

JIA: yeah sure.

HAN: you are very J so you would make a whole itinerary, wouldn’t you?

JIA: i think having a general plan of what you want to do make sure you get to make the most of you time

HAN: hmmm sure...where would we even go?[THINKING] Japan could be fun. Lots of great food, and it's a short trip. What about you?

JIA: [SMILES] Japan sounds fun. But I'd say Europe. We could explore so many different countries and cultures. I’d love to be able to use my french.

HAN: oh, i have an interesting question, what would we do if the other disappeared.

JIA: oh, this gets a bit serious.

HAN: [SERIOUS] it's funny because i think with any other member, i think i’d want to let them have their space because obviously if they run away, it's for some reason and they want to be alone. but i think if you were so upset that you’d isolate yourself, i’d have to check on you immediately. [ TOWARDS THE CAMERA TO AVOID EYE CONTACT WITH JIEUN ] she isn't someone that likes to be by herself, alone time isn’t really something she seeks because she thrives around others, so i think if she's going out of her way to be by herself like that something is really wrong.

JIA: [A BIT STARTLED AT HIS SERIOUSNESS, AS WELL AS THE SLIGHT READ] aww ji…[POKING HIS ARM] i think i'd obviously want to respect the fact that hanji wanted time alone, but i'd have to check in at some point. [SHE PEEKS AT JISUNG BEFORE CONTINUING A BIT BASHFULLY] i know we have very different social batteries, and hanji is pretty good about just letting me know when he needs some time to himself. but i think if he was to go off and not respond i’d be worried.”

꩜

CHAN: honestly, i think out of everyone, jieun has opened up to han the most, besides seungmin.

FELIX: which is interesting because they’re so different.

[THE FOUR MURMUR IN AGREEMENT]

SEUNGMIN: i think they get on so well because they’re aware of how different they are.

CHANGBIN: oh absolutely. the two used to clash a lot, and i think they came to a point where they had to understand how they were different, and what accommodations they need to make to understand the other better.

CHAN: wahh changbin, you're so insightful.

꩜

[SENTIMENTAL SILENCE]

JIA: this may be the only time i every admit to this, but sometimes i wish i were more like you in some ways

HAN: in what ways?

JIA: i mean, like you said earlier i’m not one who enjoys being by themselves. i think when i'm alone for too long i begin to think too hard and get into my own head. honestly, i think not being able to properly spend time alone with myself is a bit unhealthy. i kinda admire the fact that you are capable of being on your own and enjoy your own company.

꩜

MINHO: i’ve been trying to get jieunnie to understand that it’s not wrong to want to be around others and have companionship, it's an innately human thing, you know.

HYUNJIN: she’s a lot like changbin-hyung. he likes to just sit in my room with me to just be there.

JEONGIN: [GIGGLING TO HIMSELF] well, that's because it's you and changbin hyung…

HYUNJIN: …

꩜

JIA: skz-gi behind the camera look like they want us to start wrapping up

HAN: any final words?

[JIA HUMS, SEEMINGLY WEIGHING SOMETHING BACK AND FORTH IN HER MIND, BEFORE SIGHING AND GRABBING ONE OF JISUNGS HANDS]

JIA: i know i don’t say this often but thank you.

HAN: what for?

JIA: being my person i guess? you have always worked really hard to understand me, as well as help me understand myself. i’m so grateful to have a friend like you in my life and i’m so happy i get to live out my childhood dreams with my best friend.

HAN: jieun...

JIA: hey, let me finish. thank you for growing with me thus far, and I'm so excited to see where we go... together.

HAN: jieunnie..

JIA: if you cry so will I

HAN: thank you for understanding me as well. i know i haven't always been the easiest to deal with but y

[ THE TWO SIT IN SILENCE FOR A MOMENT, SOAKING IN JIEUN'S BEFORE JISUNG CLEARS HIS THROAT. THE SOUND MAKES JIEUN SNICKER FOR A MOMENT BEFORE THE TWO DISSOLVES INTO SILENT TEARS. THE VIDEO CUTS TO THE TWO, LESS TEARY BUT NOSES OBVIOUSLY A LITTLE STUFFY]

JIA: well, this was fun.

HAN: should we take our picture and head out?

JIA: yes please [END]

©︎ cityofjieun, all rights reserved. pls, do not copy or repost my work.

[whoiwanttoday]

Today got so far away from me it's ridiculous. This morning I sat down with nothing left to do but get dressed and had about 50 minutes until I needed to leave for work. Lots of time to take my time, drink a cup of coffee, and post for the day. Which I proceed to do. I drank my coffee, I listened to music and I went through all the stuff that had been happening and at some point I got up to rinse out my cup and saw the time on my microwave and it was approximately 30 minutes later than I thought it was. Meaning I needed to get dressed and leave in two minutes. Which didn't make a lot of sense because I had just sat down a few minutes earlier and had almost an hour. Perhaps the greatest problem with this is I have no idea who I was going to post. I knew this morning now I don't know. Now, that certainly happens sometimes, I end up wanting to post someone, something comes up, the mood changes, and I move on. In reality this blog would be more accurately be called who I want to fuck right in this moment when I have both the time and impetus to post about it but my URL is already on the slightly long side. Today I can't remember who on Earth it was so I can't even mentally make a note that they were somehow robbed by cruel fate. Given I also apparently was missing time this morning it should be a cause for worry but luckily I won't be able to remember why I should be worried by the end of this post so it's all going to work out I think. Anyway, that all leads to me posting Saoirse Ronan who is due cause I really like her. I think she is an absolutely amazing actress who chooses good projects and I have been posting her for like 10 years at this point which feels insane because I also don't think of her as being anywhere near old enough for that but I think it's because she was still playing teenagers just a couple of years ago. Anyway, she's so great I hear some Canadian kids have entire walls dedicated to her, which makes sense to me. Today I want to fuck Saoirse Ronan.

[softshrimpy]

How To Woo A Hot Principal

Step 16: Vulnerability

Summary: Working at the Weathervane was exactly what you needed. The routine, the people, your co-workers. It certainly helped that a certain tall, blonde, fucking gorgeous woman happened to frequent the cafe. Now some may call hopelessly flirting with your customers inappropriate behavior.

But truly, when it came to Larissa Weems, who could blame you?

It's been a rough two weeks and I craved Larissa comfort. So enjoy! 🦐✨

Tags: @variant-2402 @the-bagel24 @autumn-leaves-chasing-breeze @kimiinou @muffintopxs @h-doodles @bbykens @lilfartbox1 @bigolgay @winterfireblond @gela123 @i-like-reading @hopelessly-sapphic @alder-saan @im-a-carnivorous-plant @weemssapphic @barbarasstar

(pls let me know if you want to be tagged/ I missed you!)

Chapter 15

Cross Posted on AO3 Here

HWTAHP Masterlist

-----------------------------------------------------------

Larissa was busy. Which was fine! And understandable considering all the antics Wednesday has been up to recently. Her dedication to finding the monster that had attacked you was sweet, a little insane, but sweet. However, the way in which she was trying to find it was…unorthodox to say the least.

She had asked you almost a hundred different questions about the night you were attacked, not that you remembered much of use anyway. All you could remember was that you were in the woods (how far from the school you didn’t know), you had been crying so hard you hadn’t heard anything and that Marilyn had showed up very shortly after you were attacked…

Which was bothering you for two reasons. One was that if she had been close enough to be there right after you were attacked, why didn’t the monster attack her? Wednesday had hypothesized(her term not yours) that the monster had probably gotten spooked by a second person. It still didn’t sit right with you though.

And the second reason was that you had barely seen Marilyn since you were brought back to Nevermore. She had popped in briefly when you were unpacking to say hi and say she was glad you were doing better and then all but disappeared off the face of the planet. You know the two of you weren’t all that close but you honestly thought you’d at least see her around a bit.

You knew her and Larissa were close, she had told you about the long chats over many glasses of wine and their morning coffees together. And the two of them hadn’t stopped hanging out, not until Larissa went into full crisis(Wednesday) management mode. And it’s not like you spent all your time holes up in your room (anymore, not that Vlad allowed it in the first place). And with all the fucking walking around the Nevermore campus you were doing you really did not understand why you hadn’t seen her at least once.

So you decided you would try and find her today. Partially because, yes, you were lonely. But also because you wanted to thank her properly for saving your life. So you set out to find the funky lil redhead, vowing to yourself that you would find her before the end of the day.

Surprisingly she was in the first place you checked; the greenhouse. This did make you wonder if you were imagining her avoiding you. She was on the phone when you entered. She seemed to be in the middle of a heated argument with someone, hand gesturing wildly as she whisper-yelled at whoever it was she was speaking with. You stood awkwardly at the door, trying to figure out if you should stay or go.

Before you can make a decision the phone call is over and she's angrily sighing and shaking her head. You knock on the closed door behind you, hoping to announce your presence properly before stepping further into the greenhouse. At the sound she turns, rather swiftly. The look on her face goes from proper anger to shock, then to something you can’t name before swinging back around to anger again. You don’t even have a moment to open your mouth before she storms over to you, poking your chest with her finger.

“You! You just- you had to- and now I- UGH!” She groans, tears gathering in her eyes.

“Marilyn…?” You mumble, staring at her, confused as fuck.

“I-I’m sorry I don’t know why I-“ she tries, stopping when her voice cracks.

She looks moments away from bursting into full-blown sobs. Her eyes are wet with unshed tears and her lower lip is trembling. She opens her mouth to speak again but you wrap your arms around her, enveloping the small woman in a hug. She does burst into tears then, hugging you back while burying her face in your neck. You pat her back, doing your best to soothe her.

She calms eventually, her cries dissolving into the occasional hiccup. She takes a step back from you, wiping at her eyes and letting out a shaky breath.

“Sorry..” she smiles, “I don’t-you shouldn’t have had to deal with that I’m sorry…”

“It’s okay. Are you okay though?” You ask.

She nods and sniffs, shooting you what you assume is meant to be a reassuring smile. You smile back at her, squeezing her shoulders.

“I’m fine, I mean I will be fine. Sorry. Is there- can I do anything for you?” She offers.

“I actually just uh wanted to chat to you. And thank you properly for you know saving my life and all.”

“Really you shouldn’t thank me. It was the least I could do…” her face falls for a second before she smiles, “Is there anything else? Sorry, I’ve got uhm-I have to head into town to pick up a plant delivery.”

“Oh…oh no. It’s- no it’s cool! I’ll just- I’ll leave you to it then,” you murmur.

You say your goodbyes, feeling a bit better when Marilyn suggests you get coffee sometime. When you leave the greenhouse you stand dumbly for a bit, trying to figure out what to do now. You figure it would be best to go back to your room. Your mood can’t get that much worse just by vibing in your room.

———

Apparently, it could get worse. Much worse.

As it turns out dissociating in your room actually made you feel so much worse. You had ended up staring blankly at the really nice window you had while thinking back on all the ways life had gotten so fucked in the last few weeks. And then you ended up thinking about how your life had been fucked up the whole time. Which was a super fun little exercise to be doing before a physio session with Vlad.

And really Vlad was so sweet, really. So kind. However you felt like utter shit and he was making you do all these stupid, painful stretches that were making your scars and body ache. Which when combined with your already shit mental state leads to a rather terrible outburst.

“Come on kiddo just a few more of these,” he encourages you.

“I can’t.” You huff, wincing at the pain in your stomach.

“Sure you can kiddo. It’s just three more you got this-“

“No I fucking don’t! So can you just fucking let me breathe?!” You yell.

“Alright, let’s take a breath then-“

“No that’s not going to fucking help! Nothing is going to fucking help because things are just fucking fucked!” You end up kicking the nearest thing which just so happens to be a wall.

Which is how you end up sitting in the infirmary with a fucked foot and a dent in the wall you had taken your frustration out on. Turns out the vampire strength did not save your bones from being obliterated by concrete. The nurse had been very sweet, wrapping your foot and sending you on your way. Vlad had helped you back to your room, not asking any questions and leaving you with a simple ‘call if you need anything.’

And so you lay on your bed, frustrated and angry and hurt. You feel tears welling up in your eyes and get even more frustrated if that’s even possible. Part of you knows you’re just having a bad day, that these feelings will pass and you’ll be okay. But another, louder part of you says this is how things will always be.

That’s how Larissa finds you, laying on your back on your bed, foot wrapped in a lovely bandage, crying your eyes out. She silently takes off her heels, padding over to your bed and sitting herself next to you. She brushes some hair out of your face, smiling down at you.

“I hear you’re going around destroying property.” She hums.

“I’m sorry, I can- I can get it fixed and pay for the damage I-“

“Darling, I’m certain your toe suffered more damage than the wall. And even if you destroyed a wall you would never have to pay for it.” She reassured you, brushing the tears from your cheeks gently. “How’s your foot?”

“It’s fine, I was being ridiculous.” You grumble.

“I’m sure that’s not true,” she frowns, “do you want to talk about it?”

You sigh, squeezing your eyes shut in an attempt to keep the tears from falling. You shrug, biting your lip as you sniffle.

“It’s fine I’m-I’ll be fine,” you croak.

“Talk to me darling,” she murmurs.

“I…” you try, not really sure where to start, “I don’t know I’m just…I just feel like- I just- everything is so overwhelming at the moment. I just- I feel like I’m drowning.”

Larissa taps your arm, gesturing for you to sit up. You do, a bit confused. You feel your heart melt when she shuffles behind you, pulling you to lie back against her. She wraps her arms around your stomach, squeezing you gently and pressing a kiss to the back of your head.

“Go on sweetheart,” she murmurs.

“I just-my whole life has been like flipped upside down. I mean I-I almost fucking died and-and then oh no wait I didn’t because it turns out I’m a vampire! Which is- I mean it’s really cool! And I’m not- I’m not upset or anything but…but my parents hid it from me my- my whole life and I-how am I supposed to feel about that? And my father is all high and mighty about it, pulling the ‘I was doing what was best for the family’ crap. And I can’t even fucking ask my mom about it because she’s-“

Your crying restarts in earnest then. You hide your face in your hands. Larissa holds you tighter, whispering soothing gentle words into your hair. She doesn’t ask any questions, simply holds you as you cry and reassures you that everything will be alright. It’s nice that you can just be with her, that she doesn’t expect anything from you. When you’ve calmed enough to speak again you continue.

“I can’t ask her about it because she’s dead. And she’s been dead for years and it still. I mean I went to therapy for it at the time. And I-it helped. But I-I keep wondering if- if she knew? If she- I mean she probably helped keep it a secret from me but…did she feel the way my dad does? Did she hate who I am too? Would she think I’m a monster?”

You sink further into Larissa’s embrace, grasping her hands with with of yours as you breathe shakily. She shuffles a bit, squeezing you again before she speaks.

“Your father is an idiot and a bastard for the way he treated you,” she whispers, “and I never knew your mother, so I won’t claim to know how she would feel. However, I do know you. And you are one of the kindest, most accepting, most lovely people I’ve ever met in my life. You’re always looking out for others, you’re always trying to help people. There’s nothing even remotely monstrous about you, my love.”

“You thought I was a monster though…” you mumble, bracing yourself for anger.

“I did,” she sighs shakily, resting her chin on your head, “and I-I can’t apologize enough for that. I need you to know that what I said, had nothing to do with who you are. I was-I took out my anger and fear on you. You’re not-there is absolutely nothing monstrous about you darling. And I will spend every moment of every day for the rest of my life trying to show you that.”

Your breath hitches at the sincerity in her voice. You awkwardly manoeuvre yourself to sit sideways between her legs, your foot preventing you from turning around completely. You stare up at her from where your head is resting against her arm, pouting and probably looking like a mess. But Larissa just smiles down at you, her face filled with so much love and adoration you feel the weight on your chest ease a little.

“I’m sorry-“ you start only to be interrupted when Larissa presses a finger to your lips.

“None of that now,” she chides, “you don’t need to apologize for feeling things. I’m so- I cannot express how much it means to me that you shared that with me. I know that one conversation isn’t going to solve your problems, but I promise I’ll be here for you whenever you need me. You know you can call me whenever you need alright?”

“But what if you’re busy I don’t want to bother you…”

“Nothing is more important than you darling.”

She says it with so much authority and sincerity that you genuinely forget how to breathe for a moment. She brushes a few more tears from your cheeks before kissing your forehead. It’s a bit awkward with the way you’re positioned. She chuckles at the noise of protest you let out when she adjusts the way she’s sitting.

“How about we go back to my quarters, get changed into more comfortable clothes and order some takeout? How does that sound darling?” She suggests.

“I-you don’t have to go through so much trouble for me Rissa.”

“I know I don’t. How about you let me anyway?” She grins.

Honestly, you don’t know what to say to that, and her cute grin makes your brain malfunction. So you nod up at her, your face flushing as she escorts you to her room.

And as you sit cuddled up to her later that evening, with her tracing abstract shapes on your arms, you truly feel like everything will be okay.

[lucabyte]

any thoughts about postcanon loop and mira relationship? i dont think i saw much about it in text posts but it looks like you might have something. bats eyelashes

okay i have rambled about this in a few places in mostly privately and in the tags of my own posts and self-reblogs but. grabs your shoulders. can you fucking imagine how funny loop would be as mira's beard. hear me out.

like. i'm already here for isiloops. im also already here for miraloop and mirasif qpr. im also here for miraisa qpr. im also not a coward who thinks odile should be excluded from this but thats besides the point. what im saying is that the whole things a fucking polycule and there's yet still ways this could be made way, way funnier.

So. It's obvious that Loop's theatrics are more than a bit of a facade. (They drop them when taken off-guard or in serious moments with Siffrin, and Isabeau remarks on them seeming 'shy' at the end)

But we also know that they aren't *that* much of a facade due to their speech patterns being directly reflected in act 4-5 sif's inner monologue. It's clear that Loop's regular goofy bullshit is just the manic end of Sif's emotional state unfiltered and externalised, presumably because they went fucking insane.

So while I imagine they'd probably be slightly more toned down with the party in postcanon, I don't imagine the bonus confidence that comes with Constantly Performing like that would just like... go away? Plus, new identity means you've got no expectations to be held against so... I think it would make sense for them to keep up the theatrics, the bitchiness, the change in humour from dumb puns to sharp and cruel wit.

So the idea of them proposing to Mirabelle that they could just, *pretend* to be dating isn't out of scope, to me. In a situation where she's perhaps fretting about keeping up appearences as an ever-changing housemaiden, or has heard through the grape vine that someone is going to try and make a move on her at a formal gathering, I think Loop offering to theatrically play up being her partner 'as a joke', so that they can offer her support and comfort while still under that arm's-length plausible deniability, sidestepping the emotional vulnerability of 'feelings buddies'.

(Remember, after all, that Act 6 Mirabelle's 'no spoilers' policy means she only got Act 5 Sif's fucked up little talk? There's genuine question as to how long it could take her to unpack things again after that. She probably still feels that social pressure even in a scenario where she has something again to the regular friendquest talk again, anyway...)

It lets them be 'in on a joke' together, and also gives Loop an excuse to hold hands with their friends that doesn't require they be honest about things. ("Well there's the thing, Housemaiden! I've no mouth to kiss, so we don't even have to do gross things like that to keep up appearences!") And thus gives Loop a niche in the party to slot into that otherwise probably wouldn't be filled by anyone.

And would anybody question it? The chosen saviour of the country has a weird little ethereal freak on their arm. That sounds about right for a magical saviour, and means there's really no need for any explanation for why they seemingly only showed up after The King's defeat. They're clearly Mirabelle's spirit guide, or something.

. anyway as with all things loop feel free to place this after everyone knows who they are for this to become a "relatively normal thing that can happen",

or you can place it before everyone knows who they are for the added twist-of-the-knife that is "guilt over keeping secrets" and "a really awkward and potentially upsetting recontextualisation later on"

also in case you havent seen . images related -> (x) (x)

[just-a-dumb-gay]

So despite having been so deep in the Lady Dimitrescu fandom before and during the games release, I only just started playing Resident Evil Village myself today (i watched playthroughs as soon as it released though) and I can not believe how much my love for her and her daughters affected my emotions and general gameplay even though I kinda haven't been around for a while

Like the cutscene where she yeets the vanity, if I was gaming alone I would've immediately went and reread this fic (which I'll reread after posting this anyways even though I rarely reread my own work for fun)

Her daughters, I defaulted to calling Cassandra and Daniela Cass and Dani a couple times, although mostly fullnamed them when they jumpscared me, which was OFTEN might I add. Almost called Lady Dimitrescu "Alci" but I game with my mum who already knows how much I love that character but I didn't wanna go that far.

IM NOT EVEN GONNA GET STARTED ON HOW MUCH I HATED KILLING THEM!? 😭, I refuse to sell the daughters crystal torsos or crystal Dimitrescu I dont trust duke to take care of them they're staying with me.

And to top it off the amount of times I had a "Is this part of their backstory and I haven't found the diary/note/whatever yet or did I read it in a fic?" moments I had for both the Dimitrescus and Donna and Angie is insane. And I'm sure it will continue like that when we play more cos we stopped right after finishing in house beneviento. And that god awful wretched creepy nightmare baby god no ew when we play this on hard mode I need to record myself because I said some wild shit while getting chased 😂

So to finish off my tangent because I could go on forever: to the entire Alcina Dimitrescu fandom and to every Alcina x Reader writer and to everyone who gave me immense support during the brief period I wrote Alcina x Reader stuff - You have all permanently altered my gameplay experience with this game (mainly within the Castle Dimitrescu but definitely more with other characters too) more than I expected and I appreciate you all for it because it made it way more emotional but also helped me end up more immersed because I would run around exploring and have so many "I REMEMBER SOMEONE SAID/WROTE/DREW SOMETHING COOL RELATING TO THIS!"

So, thank you for that. Thank you for helping me experience a game in a way I never expected to.

[zoobus]

I'm not normally a victim of FOMO tactics, nor do I usually let being late to the party stop me from chatting about a piece of media but I'm genuinely sad I didn't get into Obey Me/Nightbringer earlier. It makes me want to write a million essays but the disposable and decentralized nature of gacha kind of makes it feel like you missed your chance to talk about it. I keep coming across years old, unrepliable comments that I want to jump on sooo bad but I can't because the moment is gone and most of these people have likely moved on to less overtly money-hungry games.

Which sucks! because one essay I want to write in particular is how this game is extremely skilled in arousing your desire to create, to actively engage with the characters and worldbuilding, to do fandom shit, and I find this enormously fascinating in itself. The story isn't good but to a certain extent, it's not supposed to be; it functions as an elaborate set of writing/art/rp prompts for its audience to expand on and tailor to their needs.

And I think Obey Me does this well! Amazingly well. I find discussion of narrative structure fascinating, the study of how we define writing as effective, good, or as failures, so I'm drawn to this story full of contradicting lore, one-note characters, and half-finished plots. The story isn't good but that hardly matters because it's not here to be a good story; it's here to throw you into imagination boot camp. It compels you to speculate what it could be, what this character could be, what a slightly different tone would look like, what other people think about it. It feels distinct from the average popular show fandoms where, to an extent, creators congregate simply because that's where the people are. Creating for your own sake is nice and all but validation is usually a stronger force. Usually.

I keep coming across old high effort researched posts about abrahamic religions and occultism from fans setting themselves up for inevitable disappointment. I keep coming across creators leaving notes on their work like "I haven't written a thing in ten years, but,". I keep losing it over heartfelt posts defending x and y canon story decisions with their whole chest, oblivious to the fact that they're misremembering their personal tweaks/headcanons as what happened in the game, like it's seriously so cute when they're so passionate and completely wrong.

I have no idea if fandom actually plays a role in the lucrativeness of a franchise (though as a personal anecdote, I 100% started Obey Me after a single piece of horny Mammon fanart crossed my dash), but it makes more sense to me now, less a projection of wishful/haterful thinking from those with strong opinions about Fandom. Maybe it really does matter.

---

Other essays I missed the boat on:

A Casino Right in Your Home: goddamn is the pre/sequel's gacha obscene

Satan: how to put a mid character into S-tier with one simple trick (make him insane)

Sorry Belphie defenders but you're imagining a better psycho than you were given

Solmare added a shiny new rhythm game but didn't fix the now four year old coloring error on Levi's hands lmfaooo the disrespect is crazy

Remember when you saw the Nightbringer trailer of them glaring in bdsm gear with freshly blackened wings, and you thought "ah, so this takes place right after they fought god and lost. After they went to war to protect their sister only for her to die anyway. After one brother in particular saves someone, but not her, the focal point of the war. They will finally take these to their logical, guilt despair rage pain and grudge filled ends." And you were correct until that very last sentence? lol

Remember when the Ruri-chan event gave you the option to tell Levi you're not cheating on him and then the rest of the event was just making out with his brothers? Then it ends with you kissing him in front of them? Bring that energy back!!!

[sco07ut]

what just happened!!!!!!!! s19 rambles (negative) ↓

going to be messy cos im just planning on writing whatever outrageous moments stand out as i go along

first of all????? DOC FUCKING DIED?????????? i literally had to rewatch a few times to realise that’s what they were saying 😟 when the fuck did he die bc doc eas Inside the staff of charon and wash was fuckijg idk?? on the surface of chorus right?? how did doc die saving him what (genuinely someone smarter than me if you’ve figured it out please tell me) bc like the point of the charon fight is that they were stuck in the mementos room right? idk

anyway he was done so dirty i literally do not think there was a reason to reveal doc was dead in the last five minutes

on that note, where was donut?? did he die too ? how long after chorus is s19 set like was that undisclosed location iris or what. did he do his whole ‘tour of the universe’ thing early? like i would’ve been fine with even just a passing comment but they were so vague with it

WHY DID SARGE DIE AND THEN PROMPTLY BECOME IRRELEVANT????? aside from simmons grif & caboose not a Soul mentioned the fact that a whole man was dead. i was so convinced that there would be some big funeral with everyone attending at the end

i did sort of like the plot though, simmons getting a leadership role was kinda fun

tbh i did like simmons this season it was so great seeing him finally get recognition but good grief i cannot talk about simmons without bringing up the ending/lack of grimmons

it makes sense that they wouldn’t get together if grif went home and simmons stayed in the army BUT WHY DID SIMMONS STAY IN THE ARMY?? RICHARD YOU DO NOT HAVE A FUCKING TEAM ANYMORE (on that note. where did lopez go. i’m only just realising that he literally vanished) i’m so insane why did they do that. they could’ve gone home together. and kissed about it idk

i mean i didn’t actually expect grimmons to happen but i thought they’d stay together?? it’s always been them. like that’s the whole point of their characters. every other person who’s been on their team before has died and left them (grif sleeping through being glassed, hammer dying during basic, the red team at rat’s nest and now sarge and donut i guess?????) why did they not stay together

also on the grif family note, the kai cameo was nice (though i will say i do Not understand the point of the whole retro con thing, i feel like it went on for ages, did nothing to set up the plot. the meta could’ve been introduced some other way surely)

also while i’m thinking about it, why did it take tucker/the meta months to get from chorus to a point where he was actively searching for epsilon ?

anyway sorry kai cameo fun but she should’ve had a bigger role idc

it kind of feels like they suddenly realised almost all their female characters were overlooked and they tried to shove them in to be like ‘ohhh look we care about our female characters’ and then screwed them over by making them either insignificant or nothing more than a cameo

with the exception of tex maybe. i fully did not expect her to come back prior to watching but when caboose was like oh help me remember i started to get a feeling it wouldn’t be church. i’m also so glad they addressed the whole ‘created from failure/destined to fail’ thing, tex fuckijg deserved that win. sad that she died though (i wasn’t expecting that either and was like fully geared up to start making post restoration fanart of carolina and tex hanging out and learning how to be friends/family again)

idk i just feel like we missed out on so much stuff due to time constraints, there were so many scenes that should’ve been put in imo like carolina and tex having some sort of moment together, grif and kai having a moment, carolina & wash seeing 479er again

ok wait different chain of thought. everyone was like really eager to kill tucker. there was no moral dilemma of everyone being like ohh beneath the meta hes our friend we can’t hurt him but we still need to take him down what’re we gonna doo. although on second thought it was red team so . yeah the mindless attacking does make sense a bit

new thought again overall it just felt weird like everyone had their assigned pairings and couldn’t acknowledge anyone outside of them?? like during the fights there wasn’t much of a reunion when tex/carolina joined and then wash (and apparently not fucking doc) like idk. i was under the assumption thatvthere would be a sweet little scene where they got the gang back together

whatever man that’s everything off the top of my head. i had no expectations going in and still somehow left disappointed. i Will be making an au version that fits all the things i wanted to see

[im-an-insane-man-lover]

Okay this is really long and absolute yappery just. I NEED to shove this out somewhere besides with my pookie

So I think like a few people know who Alexi is??? Right, my silly until dawn oc. Him and Mack (or Moose) are me and my friends silly ud ocs right

I'm focusing more on these sillies than Alexi IN ud so I'm yapping about them !!! Because they're so silly

To the 3 people (pookie and like. Idk other goobers) who might read this tell me if you want more yapping of them because they're infecting my brain rn and I want me and pookie to yap more

ALSO INCLUDING SOME DOODLES AND DRAWING BY POOKIE!!! @roverthegoober

GOLLY I love these guys..... a LARGE portion is just like angst or the aftermath of the ud events

Two goobers meeting in early middle school only over the fact Alexi was asking him for help on work and after that he kept bothering him. Not even for help, asking random questions, and trying to know him better.

Alexi having Mack over for a movie night, and he's either forcing him to watch some sad rom-com or all of The Thing movies and explaining the comics and lore, pointing out small details and references in or related to The Thing (its his favorite horror series? I think it counts as a series right)

Like after the events of ud (saying everyone lives ending), they're both screwed up, but Mack had suffered from tbi (traumatic brain injury). Alexi is also suffering, obviously. Half his face is still messed up, his arm and hand are, but he doesn't have severe head injury (facial yeah, but erm... not head or brain, yknow)

Alexi isn't making any efforts to talk to anyone else (the group, not REALLY his family except if it's his brother, which is unlikely), but he's talking to Mack. Only talking to Mack, even if they're both struggling and trying to recover, he's literally worried sick about him and not metaphorically (because his anxiety is increased tenfold now)

Depending on how severe the tbi is, Mack COULD have memory issues with recalling what went on that night and everything that happened (long-term memory loss, he'd also struggle to remember how to do this or that and what this is etc). So Alexi is just dumbfounded.

Alexi can remember everything perfectly fine, and he just can't grasp that the person closest to him can't?? He can't go to Mack for any questions on what happened, how he got injured (at least for the injuries he wasn't present for, or Mack already told him after) and he can't go to him for any reassurance and comfort.

He's just in shock because he is ABSOLUTELY NOT going to confide in someone else, like family or a friend, because you have to be so insanely close to this guy for him to trust you to that extent.

So, over the years, he's sticking with Mack since he still remembers him, but not completely. He can't recall facts about him or moments that happened between them, and its not completely Mack.

ANYWAYS, IM GONNA LEAVE THAT THERE BC I DONT WANNA YAP ABOUT SAD SHIT ALL IN THIS POST

Don't come after me for anything that's not super medically accurate. Im not a doctor or anything. im just spit balling to get an idea out. Like Mack would probably have different symptoms and stuff, but this is just for silly fun for our ocs and I just wanna be silly 😞😞 this is literally just for fun so don't come at me with a pitchfork and mob

More art giggles

I love these guys I need them dead

Alexi was almost a theater kid, but he was too scared to because of his anxiety, but he still really wanted to try singing (he wasn't exactly too big on the dancing portion). He only did a few times at his house in his room, but his mom caught on and offered to get him a personal vocal coach (or trainer, idk the exact title).

So he CAN sing somewhat, but it's been a bit since he has, and he definitely isn't telling that to just anyone. Mack only found this out when they jokingly had a karaoke night, and Alexi didn't suck at singing

Also, if anybody is confused about why he has red hair, sometimes it's because his natural hair color is red, but he dyes it black. His older brother has black hair, and he was really close with him, and so around the start of high school, he started to dye it a bit to try it, and eventually he just ended up doing it completely and making it a routine.

Mack helps him dye it sometimes, but that's not often since he isn't the super best at it..... helps with getting Alexi what he needs mainly

OKAY THATS ALLLL !!!!! IM GONNA try to finish drawing Mack and Alexi as Paul and Sam from TGWDLM and sleep...

[axolozzy]

had an insane dream about TUMBLR so i thought it was my obligation to share (warning for murder and horror movie like stuff i guess)

so there was this old tumblr creepy pasta that was really popular back in the day and it took place on a blog called “cortney’s blog” spelled exactly like that. it was weird because it was the only blog that had a space and apostrophe in the name.

the main antagonist was this tiny really ugly wrinkly pink creature that looked like a 3D puppet of that one shrimp character from smiling friends, and it’s name was The Numbler. iirc Cortney was i think the stereotypical popular high school girl but in secret she was the only one who could see and talk to The Numbler (or the only one The Numbler allowed to see and talk to it) and basically carried out murders for it. she had pale skin and long brown hair and wore a heavy metal band t shirt

(also like halfway through the dream, i realized it was a dream and thought i’d wanna write it down and post about it when i wake up LOL so the way i thought to remember The Numbler’s name was thinking about the word “mumble,” “number” and “the riddler” all combined into The Numbler. and it worked)

also it’s weird because the dream kinda kept going back and fourth from present days and flashbacks, so it’s kinda hard to get the timeline right. so i don’t know exactly how The Numbler started or came to be, because i didn’t see that far back yet before i woke up. i also don’t know how the dream ended either

anyway from what i can remember, the stuff put on cortney’s blog years and years ago was in the form of really well drawn webcomics that told the story of each murder Cortney committed, most of them involving her luring people away from their friends and murdering them. but people didn’t exactly know or think it was real because they were just comics. somehow, people caught on that the stuff the blog was posting was actually based on real murders taking place at the same time, but nobody could find the bodies or the person running the blog, so it was kinda just left as a creepypasta and forgotten about as time went on and it stopped posting.

and when i say forgotten about, like really forgotten about. nobody really knew it had existed unless you were on tumblr like a decade ago and saw the whole thing go down yourself, otherwise the posts became kinda lost to time and were never talked about.

years later, i was at my grandma’s house just kinda hanging out lol and i went upstairs to this really weird room we were never really allowed in. the room was dark and looked like a concrete basement and there were all sorts of writings on the walls that looked written out of dried blood or black paint. there was a giant rectangle slab in the middle that was basically a bed i think but it looked more like a tomb or coffin. apparently this was where cortney committed her last murder (which. apparently was my grandpa LOL???) and after that, her spirit became trapped in that room for years until the door was finally opened by ME. oops

now cortney’s spirit is loose and i’m freaking out and trying to find out soo much lore about her blog to find a way to stop this. i looked through all the cortney’s blog tumblr posts and read all the comics. it was a weird moment because suddenly, everyone on tumblr was coming across those posts again and reblogging them saying they were part of the tumblr greats and stuff. as i was binging the comics, i also reblogged them to show my mutuals because they were genuinely interesting and a good story and thought they’d like it. apparently there had also been a horror movie adaptation of cortney’s blog back in the day so i watched that movie to find out more.

the movie didn’t reveal much except i think it’s how i figured out where The Numbler was left. anyway during all of this, cortney’s blog had started posting AGAIN and people were really excited because they thought it returned for some kind of arg creepypasta and they didn’t think it was actually Real.

my time was limited to find The Numbler and destroy it before Cortney came back and killed me, so i began my search. here’s the part where it gets confusing and i feel ends very abruptly. i went outside by the woods that don’t exist irl and found three wooden crates that looked like they had been there a really long time. they were all weathered down and had plants growing around them and stuff.

anyway me and my friend (dunno who it was they kinda showed up outta nowhere) opened the crates and found some stuff. the first one had a red piece of yarn in it and and ohhh shit i think i forgot something else important. so! sometimes i get these weird lucid deja vu dreams where during the dream, i realize im dreaming and that i’ve actually had the same exact dream before! but that’s a lie, i’ve literally never had those dreams before but my brain made me think i did? so i knew some extra information that was just given to me at the start i think. that information was that The Numbler had more friends. there was a red piece of yarn that could take shape of a little stick man person and stuff. then there was a rag that was also a little guy idk. they were just little fucked up creatures that were part of the cortney’s blog lore and were The Numbler’s companions.

after The Numbler was abandoned all those years ago when Cortney’s spirit was trapped in my grandpa’s room, it and its friends were basically trapped in those crates and abandoned for years. my friend and i had now just opened them and saw the remains of those guys, now just the lifeless objects they were based on. the red yarn was just a piece of yarn and the wash cloth was just that. but The Numbler was nowhere to be seen. fuck

we ran back into the house after seeing a creepy fucking shadow man staring at us from across the lawn. it was creepy as hell and was now IN THE HOUSE CHASING US. this house was not my grandma’s anymore either it was just a random house i’ve never been in before, i think it was suppose to be my mystery friend’s house actually.

anyway i just stayed in the kitchen and my friend and their family were being chased by the shdadow man and allll of The Numbler’s friends. yep. they were back to life now, must’ve been playing a trick on us in those crates, and now they were like running in a circle around my friends doing some sort of weird ritual thing. all of a sudden they became humanoid and their personalities also reminded me of the starkid lords in black, both the weird monster forms and the human forms.

anyway i was hiding under a really small table and could see into the room were they were terrorizing my friends. i made eye contact with one of the creatures. shit

i was found, they all surrounded me, then i woke up. i have no idea what happened to The Numbler or Cortney but their friends were doing some sort of ritual on us and they probably completed it. Cortney probably continued her reign of terror and fed our bodies to The Numbler who knows. it was a crazyyy dream i hope u all found it entertaining :) now who wants to make The Numbler the new tumblr sexyman

[teecupangel]

I don't know if you know anything about ASOIAF, but I have a crossover idea with it and AC. Post Eye, Desmond ends up in the ASOIAF world, and ends up in one of the free cities and using his skills and eagle vision to get gold and have a place to stay while learning the language - when he sees two children glowing gold with importance. The boy is normal gold - but the girl is BLINDING. Its Viserys and Daenerys Targaryen, and Viserys is selling his mother's crown (the moment the last joy went out of him and he fell to madness). Desmond sees this merchant taking advantage of these two starving children by buying the crown for way less then it's worth and interrupts and gives them money and has them keep the crown, and also takes them in. Desmond now has two kids/new assassin recruits, and Vis and Dany get a parental figure who won't betray them or die to assassin's sent by Robert Baratheon, the Usurper, and teaches Dany self defence and Viaerys not to be an insane abusive asshole.

So, full disclosures, it’s been years since I last watched GoT and even longer since I read the books so I only remembered the big parts. Also, it’s in my backlog but I haven’t watched HotD as well but since this is based on Dany and Viserys’ side of the plot, we’ll probably be fine.

The thing about GoT is that its different hues of grays kind of world than what Desmond is used to. Back in his world, it was a matter of chaos versus order type of situation where either side sees the other’s negative aspects. The Assassins believe in free will and abhor the Templars’ desire to snuff it out. The Templars believe in order and believe that the Assassins’ protection of free will only leads to chaos and anarchy.

Of course, there are some Templars and Assassins who can be considered outliers to their causes.

For example: the Borgias want power and prestige and, among them, Rodrigo was the only one who tried to push for order and even he had been more interested in his delusion of being the ‘chosen one’. On the side of the Assassins, we have Abbas whose tenure as mentor had led to the Levantine Brotherhood’s downfall, being nothing more than delusional thugs.

In many ways, the ruling class of the world of ASOIAF is much more complicated but, at the same time, much more… self-centered. Desmond would have a problem with that and, in many cases, he would more inclined to answer any problem he has with something he’s used to using: death.

Now, I don’t think they actually said where Viserys sold his mother’s crown but, considering they were hiding in Braavos during that time, it is highly possible that it was in Braavos that he had to be forced to sell the crown.

The same Braavos that houses the House of Black and White, the main headquarters of the Faceless Men. Now, this guild of assassins would be curious about Desmond but Desmond would be quite reluctant to join them because they’re assassins but not his Brotherhood. There’s not really enough information for Desmond to find them trustworthy and anyone who had been interested in him had wanted something from him so Braavos is where a man running away from a guild of assassins bumps into two children simply trying to survive.

Desmond had been using his Eagle Vision frequently simply to keep an eye for the assassins sent after him (whether to kill him or not, he wasn’t sure but that mix of red and blue on each of their form wasn’t really helping his paranoia, that was for damn sure).

But no matter what face they wore, they always appeared on his Eagle Vision as a mix of red and blue. It was because of his constant usage of the Eagle Vision that he managed to see two children glowing gold.

He hadn’t been meaning to interfere, simply observe, but then he saw how that merchant had given the two children not even a fourth of what that crown was truly worth and he could not stand by anymore. But he wouldn’t make a scene. That’s not how an Assassin does things…

Usually, anyway.

So he waits until the merchant is too busy, perhaps even creating the distraction himself by paying a few people to do as he asks and, during the commotion, he nicked both the crown and the merchant’s money pouch.

Oh! And a pair of sweet-looking daggers because Desmond is a bit of a magpie and their blades were so sharp they were shining.

When he gets to the children to return their crown and give them the money pouch he had ‘liberated’ from that asshole merchant, he comes just in time to stop a clumsy assassination attempt by someone who wasn’t even employed by Robert Baratheon but had been an opportunist who thought delivering their heads to Westeros would grant him a reward.

From there on, he couldn’t in good conscience just let the two of them alone, not after he hears their predicament.

And that was the day Desmond took in two orphans, promising only to train them enough that they can defend themselves… not realizing that he had just inadvertently changed a very specific prophecy connected to Daenerys Targaryen.

Unorganized Notes:

Viserys would be quite suspicious of Desmond for a while but he would agree to his protection and tutelage simply because he had no other option.

Viserys would still grow up arrogant but it would be more to the line of Altaïr’s arrogance as he sees himself as the best of Desmond’s acolytes. His Targaryan-ness is more or less contained to being overly protective (and possessive) of Daenerys and Desmond.

Desmond is pretty much the reason why Viserys and Daenerys don’t think they need to marry one another. Desmond had Borgia flashbacks and went ‘nope, not on my watch’. Unfortunately, the side effect of this is that Viserys thinks Daenerys should marry Desmond.

Desmond just thinks that this is Viserys’ version of that ‘when I grow up, I wanna marry you, papa’ kind of thing he heard about. Yup. Absolutely just going to not think too deeply about it. At. All.

Daenerys would be more confident and outspoken, being the only person to be able to rein in her brother (although, it’s mostly by saying ‘Desmond won’t like this’). Being trained as an Assassin also makes her believe that she has no right for the Iron Throne and that Viserys is simply deluding himself into believing that he still wishes for the throne when, in reality, what he truly desires is revenge and to watch the entirety of Westeros burn.

They still make their way to Illyrio but, by the time that Illyrio sees them, Viserys and Daenerys were already around the Soldier rank in terms of skills and training, having already assassinated targets that Desmond had picked for them.

Illyrio is definitely spying for Varys and tries to get close to Desmond as he is seen as the two’s protector and ‘master’. Desmond prefers to be called mentor and he knows Illyrio has an agenda of his own.

Desmond would be against Illyrio’s proposal to wed Daenerys in exchange for an army. Viserys agrees because 1 Desmond is against it, 2 Daenerys doesn’t need anybody else but him and Desmond, and 3 they have no need for an army. They’re enough to take down Westeros on their own.

But Illyrio’s proposal is enough to fuel Viserys to finally do something about Westeros and Robert Baratheon (who is still sending assassins).

Daenerys seriously believed that Viserys plans to pull an Ezio (which can be summarized as one person destroying all his enemies on his own) and she’s right. So she follows Viserys to try and… less stop him and more to keep him from dying and helping him out.

Desmond is left chasing after his two acolytes/adopted children.

… maybe there will be dragons. Maybe not. I think the dragons would complicate things a bit but, if there are going to be dragons, one dragon for each of them. Do not let Desmond name them because he’s dumb enough to name them either “Altaïr, Ezio, Ratonhnhaké:ton (nickname Connor since only Daenerys can say Ratonhnhaké:ton without any problem but Viserys is trying) ” or “Shaun, Rebecca, Clay”.

Desmond’s influence on the two makes them believe that royalty and being a ruler are just too much trouble for their worth. Dany just wants to be an Assassin that their father could be proud of and keep her brother safe. Viserys just wants to see everything burn to the ground then he’ll do whatever Dany and Desmond want afterward.

This isn’t exactly a good plan because destroying the ruling class without any plans afterward means the usual pillage and all that bad shit being done by soldiers and bandits. Viserys doesn’t actually care that much for what happens afterward. Dany does though.

The whole ‘stallion who mounts the world’ prophecy may or may not be about Desmond now that Dany is most probably not going to get pregnant because wherever Desmond goes, he dismantles the ruling class. Viserys got his idea of destroying the ruling class of Westeros from Desmond after all.

The prophecy of ‘a song of fire and ice’ may or may not still be about the Targaryans and the Starks, which, in this case, Viserys and Dany would get to Westeros just as the Starks’ lives go from bad to oh-my-fucking-god-they-killed-Sean-Bean-AGAIN.

I think Dany and Sansa should be friends in an ‘I hate you why are you like this’ kind of way while Arya becomes the tagalong kid that annoys Viserys a lot. Viserys would be the loose cannon to the Starks’ bid for independence. Dany is the more reasonable one but she’s… well… she’s gonna side with her brother though.

I am seriously not going to push for the White Walkers setting right now. Although, Bran’s warg abilities are definitely similar to the Layla Trilogy’s ‘Eagle Sight’.

Oh. Desmond is definitely going to be called R'hllor for some reason. It’s not funny and many think it’s blasphemous, making Desmond a target of the followers of R'hllor. Desmond hates it.

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

I completely agree with your skk mersault post, the resolution was extrememy stupid and underwhelming, but what I don't understand is why Asagiri would write it LIKE THAT?!?!

There are so many possible options he could've chosen but he chose to put Chuuya into a vampire costume and call it a day??? What? WHY?? It would've been so easy too? All he had to do was to make it so that Chuuya excerted enough willpower to stop the bullet from going through his brain similar to when Akutagawa was able to recognize Atsushis voice for a moment? The sword would be out seconds later, Chuuya returns to normal, we proceed with the episode as is and it would have worked out, it's not perfect yet still better than what we got...just what happened here?!?!

Honestly, my own prediction came to pass. I went to sleep, woke up, and I don't really care anymore tbh. I still feel it incredibly underwhelming and kind of cheap but oh well.

I mean, if he had've been a vampire until the very end, it really wouldn't have been Chuuya in control, so I think that would've kind of made it worse in terms of theming? Because he still would've needed orders from Bram, if I remember correctly (that was what Ranpo had to do with the vampire pilot instructed to stab and then kill Fyodor). So at least he was himself - and it was in him that Dazai could trust without hesitation.

Anyways. I think this'll be the last time I talk on this part of the episode. If I get any more asks about this, I probably won't answer them from this point on. I don't want to spread negativity, and there's lots of things to talk about in the episode that were really fun.

We'll see what the manga chapter tells us, and we get a whole new arc after this, which I'm certainly looking forward to (Guys it looks like it might be mythology inspired?! I'm going to go insane if that's the case!).

[will-o-wips]

It is 4 am. I'm staring at the ceiling of my bedroom, coincidentally having my phone right in my line of sight, and write this with the exasperation and intense focus that I probably won't ever have again. I'm about to attempt to make any sort of sense of the latest Hayao Miyazaki movie, The Boy and the Heron (or rather, How do you live? in Japanese), that I watched for the first time in theatres a day ago.

I cannot claim to be right, or to know everything about this movie. Actually acclaimed critics and people with obviously more braincells than me have probably better takes than I do. But I must speak, lest the insanity truly take over my brain, lest I really end up combusting because of how much I want to talk about this.

Prepare yourselves for the most incoherent train of thought and line of consciousness you will ever experience.

FILLED WITH SPOILERS READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. YOU WILL NOT UNDERSTAND UNLESS YOU HAVE SEEN THE MOVIE.

Before I start with my actual thoughts, however, I'll state my personal feelings about the movie, because I feel that matters too, and this is my post anyway so! But I personally left the cinema feeling somewhat mellow. I was not insane about it yet. It was,,, "meh". The impression of the ride was great; I was giggling along with the funny and even sometimes not purposefully funny moments, I enjoyed the animation to the point I would genuinely flap my hands in excitement at how good it was, I understood the story in great lines by noticing small details and going "oh so does this mean x?". But I did not cry. Not a single tear during or after or before the movie. I did not waver with my opinion on it as I rambled about it to my friends online and irl, much to their annoyance. I did not hesitate when I put it in my silly little Studio Ghibli movie tierlist maker that I update whenever I watch another one of these films together with my friends, categorized (in)discreetly under "all vibes no plot but there's a witch/wizard". I still don't, in fact.

So, given all of this, you'd probably say that I disliked the movie. That I would not have so much to say about it, after doing my mandatory ramble and update. Wrong. I still have more to say, somehow.

Despite that, I didn't rewatch the movie itself. I read an entirety of one (1) review of it, together with one (1) random video essay of 8 or so minutes, covering the basics of it. I reblogged one (1) post about its protagonist on tumblr and otherwise kinda read through the rest of the posts on here. I did not re-experience or re-examine this movie again. I cannot (again) accurately reference anything besides that what I vaguely remember from watching it a day or two ago. It's not playing anywhere near me anymore/not out anywhere else yet, so really, I don't even know what possessed me to write about this, or even say anything. The most fascinating thing (to probably all of us here) is; what made me change my mind about it?

It might've been the review on IndieWire. David Ehrlich and his well-written review, bringing things into much needed context as to why this movie was created. It could've been the fact that I've actively processed the movie better, now a little bit of time has passed. [Honestly it deserves a second watch/view for something more concrete, but I'm repeating myself with this, you get it.]

But I don't even really understand it myself. I felt and still feel so detached from this movie in a sense. I appreciate the artistry that went into it, and I adore the way it simply tells the story and leaves it up to interpretation. It references every single film Hayao Miyazaki has ever made before, and elements of other Ghibli films can probably be found in there too, if you looked hard enough. The vibes were similar to those of Spirited Away, and Howl's Moving Castle, given how inexplicably fantastical the world was. It just existed and breathed, and we as the audience jumped straight into it. We never got more exposition than what was needed; honestly I have a feeling that the second half of the movie was the vaguest piece of media I have ever consumed in my life. But it also had this perfect balance of the more drama-focused Ghibli films. The Boy and the Heron, in my opinion, is like the golden middle between reality and fantasy, both in terms of its narrative as well as comparison between other Ghibli movies.

This might also be the reason why I felt confused. The lines between reality and fantasy were so effortlessly blurred, that you could only process a singular picture. And when things are vague to me, I constantly need to pick them apart and analyse them, simply to satisfy my own curiosity.

The moment before I stepped into the movie theatre, my friend who watched along with me told me they heard it was a film about grief. I nodded along and said "yeah, okay, that just means it's another one of many Hayao Miyazaki and Ghibli films. Most of them are about some kind of loss, and dealing with it, either way." I sat down together with them; row 9, chairs 17 and 18, with my two bottles of water (one carbonated, one stilled) and the bag of terribly sour packaged chocolate pretzels I bought at the theatre itself. Horribly overpriced for the quality, I must say. My friend held onto the popcorn, and we sat through the ads, talking and laughing, anticipating something that was supposed to blow us away.

I cannot speak for my friend, but I think they really liked the movie regardless. They didn't cry at it either, even though we both know of each other that we always cry at such things. Somehow this movie evoked a certain stillness in us both; a stalemate between emotions and confusion. Maybe delayed processing. Maybe something else entirely. We both, or at least I, hid it until later.

It was midnight, and right before we stepped on our train home, I was excitedly going on about the references and animation, the things I did appreciate. I bragged a bit about how I recognized Kenshi Yonezu's voice in the final credit song that we didn't get to listen to entirely, because it was so late and we had to rush to get home. They laughed at me and told me to take some time to actively formulate any coherent thoughts on it. I disagreed (lovingly and jokingly of course), and we left it at that.

In the train itself, the same high dimmed into a simmer, the excitement replaced with contemplation, and I kept talking.

I told them: "I believe that this truly is his last film. This felt like a goodbye." And in return, they replied: "It's crazy how this is the last time we'll ever get to live in such a moment. The release of the final Ghibli movie in theatres.

"I'm glad we got to go."

I was too.

I got home, rambled about the intrinsic way The Boy and the Heron referenced other Ghibli movies to my online friends who had yet to see it. Followed by a heated tangent about how When Marnie Was There truly could have had better direction in regards to the narrative, as well as how Only Yesterday was the most boring out of all Ghibli movies. It was a nice night. I didn't think about the movie again.

The following morning, I contacted other friends, who told me about how Robert Pattison voiced the Heron in the English dub, which I hadn't seen or heard at all. He did a great job, judging by the trailer. This led me to another opinion, namely the video essay (I will try to find it and put it in the notes later if you are curious), which claimed something similar to this (of course, paraphrased):

"This is a farewell. The one true movie to tie such an expansive career. It is another movie where you are allowed to explore the magical together with the main character, while sticking close to the processing of it all."

The review I read said it was a swan-song, that it was the question and title of the movie in Japanese, posed at us, after The Wind Rises left it open to interpretation at the end of its run. That this was a story about the legacy that Miyazaki is leaving behind, how reality and fantasy coexist together, possibly influencing each other (not explicitly said but what I interpreted that review saying, so no this is also not completely like this).

Other tumblr posts I've seen on here say it was a film most likely dedicated to his son, Goro Miyazaki. That it was a gentle "I'm sorry, the shadow I leave behind is huge. I know that you will try and fail to fill it. It's okay; you don't have to. You can leave it behind. It's alright if this legacy dies with me."

Some other sources I've seen compare the main protagonist to Miyazaki himself, trying to grapple with the ending.

Yet somehow, all of these interpretations seem to fail to explain the entirety of this movie. The bigger picture if you will. These themes and moments and interpretations are not wrong, but to me, they're not satisfying enough.

Because maybe I am the only one who actually was insane about this moment, but I will never forget the delivery room scene between Mahito and Natsuko. How Himi addresses the magic stone, pleading to let the two go, saying "Natsuko and the boy who is to be her son". (Again, paraphrased, I cannot remember the exact line.) Maybe I am the only one who witnessed the whimsical fire witch and the going back in time plots and the fact that a younger Kiriko and Himi were there, already part of an ecosystem. How we already know from the other grannies in the house that Mahito's mother disappeared once for a whole year into the tower, and then came back the same as before. How the pelicans were BROUGHT there, that they did not belong there, and yet were forgetting how to fly. How they ate the Warawara, these creatures that were rising above to be born in the upper world. How the Heron's weakness was his 7th tail feather (or something along those lines), and how the fish and the frogs chanted for Mahito to join them in the tower. That the great-great-uncle was hoping for Mahito to succeed him and build a new tower, yet the king of the parakeets butted in and haphazardly did the job, resulting in it immediately toppling over, as well as the stones getting cut.

I think about the final scene where the Heron says "It's best to forget. Do you have any keepsakes?" And Mahito shows not only older Kiriko's figure, but also a piece of the stone paths they walked upon in order to get to the centre, the beating heart, the magic stone and his great-great-uncle.

How this is taking place during a war, that the timeline goes from his mothers death that Mahito cannot get over, to the welcoming of his stepmother and his new younger sibling. Them moving back to Tokyo. The way the tower completely collapsed. Completely and utterly collapsed and perished; not even a trace of it left behind. The way that older Kiriko keeps yelling it is a trap to Mahito in the beginning, but that both he and the Heron know. That it is inevitable to tread this specific path. That he must see for himself, whether his mother is truly alive. The way she both was and wasn't; first a mirage of her older self disappearing into a puddle of water, and second a firey spirit of her younger self coming to help Mahito. The way that he reads and cries at the book she left him, the way he hits himself with a rock after his big fight with his classmates; the way Mahito in general drowns consistently in the beginning of the film. He drowns in the fire that he lost his mother in. He drowns in the mud and the dust when he tries to enter the tower at first. He drowns in his dreams, in his tears, drowns right into his quest to find Natsuko (straight through the floor, by behest of his great-great-uncle), drowns in pelicans trying to eat him, nearly drowns in the actual sea until younger Kiriko fishes him out.

Now these things may seem like me just randomly naming shit that happens in the movie. Hopefully in a slightly poetic way, possibly. I could go on and on about the imagery, truly. But my point is, this movie may have been Miyazaki's last movie, his way of closure, his way of speaking to his son about his legacy, his way of describing the grief of losing his mother (idk if this is autobiographical or not. It very well may have been), yet...

Even so, it doesn't really fit the entire picture. It feels incomplete. The analyses always focus on the true meaning behind this movie, what happens behind the scenes, this one key climactic moment between Mahito and his great-great-uncle. But that's as if you would ignore the rest of the movie in general. As if the fantastical aspects weren't there to abstractly tell a story besides just being a symbol of closure for the person that directed it.

Personally, this is a tale of rebirth. Of losing yourself, and then rediscovering yourself in a way. I associate it with my own personal loss of my grandfather; the family member I felt closest to out of everyone.

The way you look back at such a traumatic stage in your life, something that irrevocably changed you for good, something that you probably don't ever want to relive again, but also mustn't forget. The way you instinctively are afraid to learn about who the person you love and grieve was, before you were in their life.

To this day, I still cannot speak to my mother about whether my grandfather had a favourite song before me forcing him to sing along with my favourites. A favourite book before he read out bedtime stories to me tirelessly. Who the boy in him was, and what wisdom and life lessons he carried on, into his grave, into the hearts of his children.

This movie depicts so much more than just grief, it's so much more than just legacy, even. It directly reflects the way I know I would have felt had I dared to actually see things for myself. If I actually dared to go through my grandfather's old things; the books he wrote and dedicated to me, the books he read when he was young. This movie depicts not how to live, but how to live on.

And the only way to live on is to move forward. To look at the foundations upon which it was built, to evaluate whether you truly want to have this be your burden to carry for the rest of your life. Mahito's abstract grief in regards to his mother, and the solace he finds in the fact that he at least knew who she was; that he at least had her in his life as both his mother and the girl that his stepmother knew, that at the very least he knows his mother would do it all over again, if she could. That despite everything, she did not regret a thing, and that she was not afraid. That somewhere, in the past, she lives on, happily marching toward this fate, because she knows that Mahito will be there to meet her again in the future.

And Natsuko, god, she worries relentlessly about whether Mahito will accept her. She worries to the point she yells at him, telling him that she hates him and his existence, because he rejects her so coldly and yet still bothers to show up in front of her during her most vulnerable moments. That he only takes and takes and takes; he steals her cigarettes in order to learn how to sharpen a knife from one of the servants. He uses those techniques to create a bow and arrow, a weapon. He gets into fights at school, he gets gravely injured on the side of his head, leaving a lasting scar.

If I were in her shoes, I would be furious at him too. Especially if he walked straight into the delivery room, trying to drag me out of bed while I was doing my damn best to keep the other child in my belly alive.

That scene, that sheer rage, and the way it ALL FUCKING SUBSIDES the MOMENT Mahito accepts her and calls her mother. The moment Mahito understands that through the literal whirlwind of plasters, things used to tend to wounds, none of those pleasantries/guards will truly allow him to reach her. The way he tries to nurse his own wounds, as well as try to nurse hers, over the loss of their shared connection (Natsuko's older sister, Mahito's biological mother), will NEVER allow him to make a connection with her. By being careful, by being polite, he will never get to be her son.

And he realizes, in that moment, that he wants to.

The magic stone tries to stop this. The magic stone dislikes disruption; dislikes things changing, dislikes breaking traditions (the taboo of entering the delivery room). The parakeets in the tower flourish because they follow the magic stone's whims more or less. They agree to follow its rules, even if it means they are prone to its abuse, because it gives them an advantage, a place to stay. The pelicans have to eat the Warawara, because there is no other food available to them.

The way younger Kiriko says "you reek of death", and how they establish this place is mostly made up of death and dead people. Dead people, or dying people, creatures that are begging to survive another day. Creatures that are begging to be reborn. That want to change, that wish to fly once more.

My mother once gave me a poem dearest to her heart. We have always been a family filled with literature and stories, but my mother was always the best at both writing them and reciting them. She used to read them out to me, back when I was in a particularly bad spot mentally, to the point I could not get out of bed for weeks on end, to try and reach me. She read with the sincerest passion in her voice, a small plea to get me back to the girl I was before.

I cannot explain or remember the poem by heart, but once I was at my true rock bottom, she told me to look it up. A Serbian poem, written by Miroslav Antić (I will add the name of it later), that was about growing up and growing into your own person. It made me weep, for it had a phrase I think I can only translate to this:

"Run and don't look back."

Somehow, whenever I look at all of these birds and creatures in this fantasy world, trying to fly desperately, trying to get to the skies, trying to get to even live, and think about the fact that the only way they can is by leaving this place. That the only way they can fly and survive as themselves is by leaving this tower, this stone, this foundation. By leaving and being born, by leaving and being reborn.

And, after all of this. Somehow I'm not even done yet. I haven't talked about the great-great-uncle in depth, nor the king of the parakeets, nor the heron whatsoever. I have not yet even touched upon what I might think the magic stone is, and the sheer amount of like symbolism I picked apart in my brain because of my insanity.

I'm probably not the only one who noticed these things. But so far I haven't seen anyone actively share these things, so, I will do my best to continue and genuinely wrap it up as best as I can. So that this can also bring the same amount of closure as the movie does.

The magic stone is like a shooting star that came onto the earth. It realizes dreams and worlds of whoever dares to walk into it and claim to own it; like how Mahito's great-great-uncle got obsessed and built a tower around it, caging it, taming it. And yet he still had to play to its whims, consistently making sure his own tower of blocks did not fall, that all of his work did not amount to nothing. Personally, I do believe the great-great-uncle could represent Miyazaki himself. That Miyazaki is trying to express how he built Ghibli and that now it has been going on for so long, and it has become unmanageable to continue upholding it. That it is time to retire.

A thing I find interesting and remember pretty well is the conversation between the parakeet king and the great-great-uncle. How they talked about Mahito's transgression, breaking into the delivery room (side note: he broke in and broke through to Natsuko with his mother's spirit. Mahito became Natsuko's son with the blessing of his mother; with the sheer love she had for him being carried on and through), and how the great-great-uncle says something akin to this:

"It is why I wish for him [Mahito] to succeed me."

"I cannot overlook such a transgression."

I feel this is important. It is key to how the great-great-uncle views Mahito in this. Because Mahito was not sent out on this quest to find Natsuko out of pure selfishness. Sure, his uncle would have wanted him to succeed him, but the entire reason WHY he believed in Mahito to begin with, is the fact that this boy was able to break the foundation and the traditions in the first place. Mahito inherently disobeys from the chosen path. Mahito inherently does not believe the Heron when he says that all herons lie. Mahito doesn't waver when the heron flies straight at him, he doesn't sway when the frogs or the pelicans overwhelm him. Mahito stands firm in who he is, even if he is trying to deal with new circumstances. Mahito inherently goes to places he should not be in (his curiosity for the tower). Mahito has enough power on his own to create a new tower, but only by rebuilding it from scratch.

This ready acceptance that the great-great-uncle has towards Mahito's decision NOT to inherit his legacy, is what makes me believe this is what this movie is supposed to represent. Break away from the old, off into the new. Closure. Moving on.

This is also reflected in the sentiment that Mahito truly DOES move on. He goes back to his family, his father, school, he goes back with Natsuko as his mother and a new younger sibling to Tokyo. He returns there where he came from, but he is not the same anymore. He is reborn into a new Mahito.

And god I feel like I'm repeating myself to death here; I really should have thought about the structure of this, but give me some slack okay. It's like 6:30 am already and I'm still not done, despite continuously writing and labouring at this.

So, the tower that immediately falls apart by someone who always follows the whims of a dream (the parakeet king and the stone respectively). God it is just such a momentTM. Because in the end even this shows that the parakeets, too, even though they by far had it the best in that goddamn tower, had to leave. For they could not build something on their own without learning who they were outside of the already established. Outside of just following the rules and all.

They had to leave, my GODDDDD.

As I'm getting progressively more unhinged, we shall move onto the most unhinged character in this entire fucking movie. The Heron himself. God there's too much to unpack here, really, but the truth is, the Heron was supposed to be the guide to Mahito. The Heron was supposed to be Mahito's biggest, most aggressive enemy, the direct antagonist to Mahito's protagonist. The Heron doesn't want change. The Heron tries to bribe Mahito with the fact that his mother is still alive, that he need only enter the tower, and lose himself to illusions and dreams. That fantasizing about his mother being alive won't only drown him more, that it won't just let Mahito sink into the deepest pits of his despair and anguish about such a death, that losing yourself to the belief that something is there when it is not wouldn't only be counterproductive. The Heron masks himself consistently; he says that all herons lie. He says that he only has one weakness, his own feather, that allows the arrow to automatically target him. In essence, the Heron shot himself in the foot beak. He himself slipped up in his mirage world, and came out to be who he truly was, this weird little man with a huge nose and a conniving demeanour. He adamantly cannot disobey the dream, for then his true nature comes peaking out (a small detail I absolutely love is the fact that the Heron's feathers also disappear out of Mahito's hands when Mahito is called back to reality by the grannies. The grannies protect him in the dream world too, by being his tether and support system while he gets over himself and starts trusting Natsuko). The Heron doesn't WANT to be a guide, for in order to be a guide, you must tell the truth. You'd need to know some facts about the world around you and share this information with the ones seeking guidance. This is how I believe Mahito understood the Heron before we did.

It's not that all herons lie; it's just that this particular one does not want to face the truth/reality.

Another interesting detail: the whole reason why only Mahito was able to cover up the hole in the Heron's beak was reminiscent about how only those that called you out can really patch up your old image. Only those that have poked holes in your false narrative are able to fill them back up again, and even then it is not the same, and even then it will not always be comfortable/reliable.

Either way, the Heron, after this wings partially turn into hands, his true nature, is unable to fly all that well for a while. He relies on Mahito's corkscrew thing in order to relish in his comfort zone of lies again. But throughout the movie, the Heron slowly starts to ignore the corkscrew completely; simply opting to stay in his (frankly, freakish) half gremlin man half heron costume form. The Heron changes because Mahito inspired him to change. Even though his image used to be spotless before, and he tried to deceive Mahito, after a while, he stopped doing that. The mutual trust both Mahito and the Heron had grew. The Heron became a person, although his heron-ness would never go away.

The Heron thus warns Mahito that he should want to forget. That he will forget, either way. That this struggle of his to grapple with the reality of his situation, and the fantasy that he was delving into, will become a far-off memory that Mahito should not revisit. The Heron, I believe, is genuinely trying to look out for Mahito.

"Don't dwell in what you have already overcome. Don't revisit the things you have already outgrown."

And this is where the movie more or less ends. Mahito still keeps that stone, and his mother's book, and he goes back to Tokyo; the only crucial difference is that he has overcome his own grief.

Now, I've said this like a billion times now, but this is the rebirth. This is what I think this movie stands for. What it means, at its core. This is what it means to live; to move on and to cut ties with that what has no place in your life anymore. Miyazaki, I think, is trying to give us closure, a final farewell to Ghibli altogether.

Now I don't know about any speculation that he might come back again, and personally, I don't think it really matters. If he does come back, good for him. I just don't know enough to say anything for sure, so I'll just say I cannot say.

Either way, I think, even though Miyazaki conveyed the need for a new start/a rebirth, he didn't really end on the complete abolishment of all that used to be. You are allowed to keep mementos of it; even though the Heron advises not to. Mahito is allowed to reflect upon this experience, to see it as another stone in his foundation/formation, to say that, yes, the spirit of this change will always stay with me, although it has passed.

Just like how Mahito's mom was someone who returned to the past without regrets. She never came back. She was a spirit that pushed Mahito forward, and he will always remember her, but it's better that she stay a memory than become a fantasy.

This is why I'm so impressed by this movie in general. I'm so thankful that I was able to witness this with a friend of mine. I'm glad that I was able to see this, even though my insanity knows no bounds, and the fact that I didn't even think about any of this until I really sat down to look through the options of interpretations.

I'm so glad I got to go. Now it's time to run towards the future, and never look back.