#anyways i could write an articulate thing about this sometime and how all the main and secondary characters and PEOPLE are messy

[coldercreation]

(Anon from before)

Your work was actually my first dip into original stuff on ao3, I was a purely fandom person before and was so nervous to read original work because I was scared it would be the most freaky shit to exist. But LINK set the bar in the sky and I’ve never found anything better, and honestly I sometimes replace other book characters with one of the boys just to make them more enjoyable for myself 💀 (sorry other authors 😬)

You write so thoughtfully, even the sexual content feels like it has purpose; and lemme tell you, I cried reading Nathan’s inner monologue when it came to intimacy ✋ just the thought that someone showing such easy love was so INSANE for Nathan really just hit me hard. I don’t even know how to articulate how much I adore your work. If I could, I would show you my heart and how full it is even just from reading the snippets.

Anyways sorry, I’ll start rambling for real if I don’t stop now. I LOVE EVERYTHING YOU DO, no pressure to write, just keep being you 💜💜

Reading this means so much, you have no idea<3 Seriously, thank you for taking the time to message again and share this.

It often takes me forever to catch up with my ask box, so apologies for this being delayed! I always read and re-read any messages I get, even if I don't have the time to respond right away (or I don't post them on the blog as they include prompts; they go in my well loved prompts document). I have read this one (along with others<3) every now and then when I've needed some motivation or just wanted to get an extra lil !!! for the day heheh!

I'm so glad you've liked LINK, and that they weren't any bad kinda freaky shit hahah! It's actually really nice to hear that bit about how you've felt like there's purpose to the writing, even for the more spicy chapters in the series. Nothing wrong with just purely physically sexual content, there's room for that too I'm sure, but generally I like to have the emotional side in there as a leading 'main plot'. Writing/reading anything just makes sense to me more that way, and if that emotional intimacy and feelings are missing from something I'm reading, it can leave me feeling a bit cold and distant from the characters? (Maybe that's why I struggle with reading/watching a lot of pure action lol? I need my feels!)

CYE is pretty much my love letter to all Nathan's in the world, who deserve the best, from themselves and from the people around them<3

I'm so happy he and CYE have made you feel good things xx

[yumester]

sending this back to sender. i need a full dissertation on pAInter STAT

Oh, look it's the silly mutual once again in my ask box, wailing and screaming like a drenched kitten or that one generic male character from the hit game going through the worst experience ever— (gets shot)

Anyway, here's my opinions on The p.AI.nter from the hit Roblox game.

You know the drill, putting a read more for my and everyone's safety.

Fucking character of all time, man. Not including Sebastian! We hate Sebastian in this house! 🗣

They made this shit in the lab and called it straight up cocaine for lore heads. And by lore heads I mean me homie!! /j

Gonna mainly go over each label but might go into detail later on so watch out.

Everyone but me is wrong about them <3: I mean this in the nicest way possible. Pressure fandom has already failed miserably at the characterization of Sebastian. We've seen it all, to people anime boyifing the hell out of his visage, to the literal creators having to ward people off by adding changes to the game's data by removing voice lines. Man is not your big monster hubby with a tortured soul. Okay, maybe he is a tortured soul, but more literal than that and less likely to cry on your shoulder or even give you the benefit of the doubt to hold you at arm's length. Anyway, I've seen some people babify the hell out of p.AI.nter as well, and it sucks. I'm sorry, but it's true. It is not your friend, guys. It just wants to paint.

they got done dirty but the creator/s: Okay IDK if you've even peered at the recent updates or uploads from the main creator, but it was shown that p.AI.nter will be updated to be killed at some point. I don't know if they already patched that through the other day because, for one, I haven't played the new update. And, two, I think anyone who tries to do so is a dumb bitch because all p.AI.nter does is trick the player with fake doors and has turrets in occasional rooms (yes, the turrets can be annoying at times but who cares). In my head, I feel like the entity adds some charm to the existing enemies you face during a play through. And removing those elements just feels like a waste. Technically speaking, you only get to The p.AI.nter's room in a certain percentage. Though I will say it makes sense in canon why you would be able to destroy it as Urbanshade as talked nonstop about removing any and all adversaries that get in its way, mainly Sebastian (Unfortunately and thankfully, in Sebastian's case, Sebastian can't be killed). But, I will also say, The p.AI.nter's document, however tragic that it is, kills me at the fact how they handled its owner's death. Like really? Accidentally killed with a rifle to the head because of some dumb guard, no less. If I was that sentient AI, I would no doubt feel endless dread and sorrow. Though, then again, The p.AI.nter is already had several moments of killing itself and been depressed while under Urbanshade's care.

ADOPTION PAPERS ADOPTION PAPERS FILING THE ADOPTION PAPERS: I won't bother writing a whole paragraph, so take this GIF of p.AI.nter as Edgar instead. <3

i am constantly going insane rotating them in my brain like a fork in a microwave: I can not overstate how much I love this little guy. I don't talk about it much nor articulate the words in discussing this freak like I wish I could. But The p.AI.nter is a character that resides in my head twenty-four, seven. Like I'm writing a fanfic about Sebastian right now—well before you sent this, but all I've been thinking about is this dumb AI. Its relationship with Sebastian. Its overall role in the story of the game and so forth.

the popular ships for this character suck: OKAY, OKAY! I know I reblog and sometimes like content of The p.AI.nter with Sebastian together, but that's mostly because I find ship art in general to be an endearing thing to look at from the views of a consumer. However, canon wise it just doesn't… click is all I'm going to say. I DO LOVE THEIR DYNAMIC, HOWEVER!

constantly listening to songs and mentally holding them up like a paint swatch: To be fair, I'm always listening to music, I'm a music junkie at heart and, brother, this shit is breakcore!

I WANT TO STUDY THEM LIKE A COCKROACH: All I'm saying is robotic characters growing sentience is a form of love in video game writing, baby. Also, like I loved The p.AI.nter even before friendly fire update. But y'know me, when it hit beta with its new voice and new face with the MS Paint program that has scratchy line art, circles for eyes and wobbly smile—I was ecstatic! I'm not an engineer or a computer nerd by any meanings, but I wouldn't give to be in Pressure for a spell to like look at inside and out in a non-sexual way of course LMAO.

whats wrong with them (affectionate): SO, SO MANY THINGS! MAINLY URBANSHADE </3

#LETTHEPAINTERPAINTFREELYCHALLENGE

not enough screen time: Maybe this is the me that “likes this character a normal amount” talking, but it makes me sad that The p.AI.nter doesn't say much when you visit its enclosure in heavy containment. Like, you visit Sebastian's shop, and he has like hundreds of dialogue, all of which include snide remarks and shouting at you. It's freaking Gianni I get people! But anyway, my man deserves a little more, thank you. <3

they've never done anything wrong in their life <3: Watch this video from 1:25 and 2:23 and tell me I'm wrong.

my opinions would be received by most fans as akin to hitting a wasps nest with a baseball bat: i shan't say...

This is the best character in the work: Discounting the most integral character, Sebastian fucking Shoelace, we have The p.AI.nter! Yippie!!! My blorbo, my absolute bestie, my man who hits me in the ass with high grade turret bullets to only die to the next room, my “locks me in a room with my wife as we discuss divorce papers and play 7 minutes in heaven” wingman. <3

Anyway, thanks for coming to my TedTalk!

[tarisilmarwen]

Rebels Rewatch: “Droids In Distress”

Wacky droid hijinks and nostalgia abound, let’s get into it.

Now, this is an episode that for a different show would have been used as the pilot.  It’s got all the earmarks of a weekly serial testing out its tone and character dynamics, while acting with confidence like those are already established.

Note that this isn’t a bad thing.  It reminds me most of Teen Titans’s early Season One, there’s a certain kind of charm and innocence and an earnest attempt at convincing you, “Don’t worry, this will be a FUN show! :D”

Frankly starting off lighter eases you better into the world and characters so when things do get more serious and dramatic later you’re more invested because you’ve had more time to get endeared to the characters.

See also, Star Trek: Lower Decks, which had the audacity to end its Season Two on a cliffhanger, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MY SILLY COMFORT SHOW, YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE STAKES!

Anyway we open rather appropriately In Media Res with the notes of the TIE Fighter Attack track from A New Hope, which auditorily puts us right into that OT headspace. :)

Once again the tight writing very quickly establishes the situation: The Ghost is on the run from the Empire, in need of cash flow and supplies, they have to occasionally run weapons for someone shady, Ezra is Force Sensitive, and--perhaps most importantly for the later story arc--Kanan has been avoiding training him.

Boy I miss concise exposition like this.  So much story is already set up in some densely-worded dialogue.  (Not just Kanan’s reluctance to teach Ezra but also Zeb’s misgivings with working for Vizago given the uncertain nature of the weapons he deals in.)

Also don’t think I missed Ezra being most concerned with the fact that they are running out of food.

RIGHT SO I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW GIDDY I WAS THE FIRST TIME I WATCHED THIS BECAUSE ICKLE MINI TARI LOVED THE STAR TOURS RIDE AT DISNEYWORLD.  Seriously it was one of my top favorites.  Never rode the updated version (haven’t been back to DW in years) but the classic version was iconic for me.

And this is a cameo/Easter Egg that actually works in context because you don’t need to know anything about this droid pilot, he works organically in the story as he is without any background knowledge required.

Unlike many of the other cameos we could name in certain other Star Wars shows *COUGH*.

Threepio and Artoo on the flipside... Okay, I’m not quite sure how to articulate that it still works better than in aforementioned other shows but it does.  Again Imma chalk it up to, they just fit more organically into the plot and around these characters and also advance the bigger plot by introducing a thread that suggests the crew is going to be connected to the larger Rebellion, which pays off this Season Finale... instead of being a sideshow diversion disconnected from the main characters that may or may not make another appearance down the line sometime.  Maybe.

Side note of appreciation for Chopper gleefully taking right to his role of Public Nuisance Annoying Everyone (But Especially Ezra).  I don’t think there was much acting involved for either of them lol.

XD

Still love how bouncy and dynamic the character animation was these early episodes.

Has that fun kid-friendly feel that lures you into a false sense of security lol.

Our first hint at Sabine’s backstory, cleverly hidden as part of her cover story.

I kinda like that Garel is close enough to Lothal that a very small shuttle is able to just ferry people back and forth in like twenty minutes.

Lol Zeb whapping Sabine because she’s laying it on too much.

One of the nice things about having low-stakes plots in the beginning is it allows room for lovely little breathing scenes like this one with Ezra leaping across the rooftops.  It’s not plot necessary, we could have easily just cut to him arriving at the other hanger, but it’s just... pleasant.

There’s some nice mood music (a very slowed down mellow Main Titles theme), some very mild action, and we feel a satisfied little thrill along with Ezra seeing just what he’s capable of already just knowing that he’s Force Sensitive.  This is the first time he’s consciously tapped into the Force and it’s just a little bit exciting.

Just look at his face gkjhgkjh I’m so proud of him and all he did was some parkour.

Subtle animation detail appreciation: Zeb visibly shudders backing away from the crates.

I love Threepio throwing some indignant shade Sabine’s way with his “[...] if she is an amateur.” line.

We know Zeb is the muscle  of the group, that’s already established, but it’s still obvious in the voice acting and Zeb’s intense tossing of the Stormtroopers that he’s more agitated than normal.

Threepio being oblivious and fussy as per usual.

Please enjoy the Fridge Horror of knowing that the Empire was planning to mass-produce T7 ion disruptors and probably not for their starship-crippling properties. :)

Ezra immediately backing off the hostility once he knows why Zeb’s upset. <333  He’s such an empath I love him.

See this is why I don’t understand people who hate Ezra.  Was he a little bratty this episode?  Sure, but also see how he lets that drop out of compassion once he understands the situation.

Also Ahsoka came onto the stage waaaaaaaaay brattier and a smug know-it-all to boot, just admit y’all hate the kid-appeal characters and refuse to let them be stupid and dumb in order to have some character growth.

Hera’s frustration when she hears that Kanan hasn’t been training Ezra. <333

Lol and love how there’s an immediate follow-up in the next scene.  I want to see the beginning of that conversation.

Pryce gets name-dropped here for the first time.  Predictably Threepio is making a muck of things.  See, this is why no one tells you anything or trusts you with the mission Threepio.

Ezra has clearly dealt with underworld figures like Vizago before lol.

I do wonder if all of this is just a massive Batman Gambit by Artoo, because he seems to be completely unfazed by anything that’s happening.

The AT-DPs get quite a bit of focus in this series and I think their ubiquitous presence in the first season preps us mentally for the heavy upgrade that is the AT-ATs.

Love this shot tracking Hera as she shoots at the AT-DP, very frenetic with the blocking and the camera movements.

The duel between Kallus and Zeb is honestly better than some of the lightsaber fights don’t @ me you know it’s true.

This music cue when they launch the disruptors is a unique one, particular to only this moment I think, but I like it.

Aaaaaaand the first of many times Kallus gets yeeted with the Force.  Lol.

See Sequel Trilogy, this is the general powerset of someone who only just learned they were Force Sensitive and hasn’t had any training. /salt

Kanan seems very surprised and amazed by what Ezra can already do without any formal guidance.  This’ll play into his insecurities later, his whole thing about how Ezra’s powers are growing faster than he can teach.

I think it’s safe to assume Ezra had a lot of latent natural talent that he’d been unconsciously using this whole time that just needed a tiny push to begin manifesting in earnest.

Again, though, Sequel Trilogy, all we unlock is basic shit like Force Sense, Force Jump, and Force Push.

Not surprising Kanan went to fetch Zeb, he’s about the only one even close to Zeb’s height lol.

Kanan looks so proud of Ezra, aww.

More lovely work with the subtle expressions; Kanan’s smile fades and his eyes drop a bit.  Like he realizes, “Oh boy, now I gotta face all my inadequacies and problems.”  Love it.  Love that it’s episode two and we’ve already established so many of the upcoming character arcs.

Hi Bail!

Luke’s theme closing us out once again, apropos given where we are and who we’re with.

For our first “official” non-pilot episode, this is a solid entry.  As I said, establishes a whole bunch about the characters and their relationship dynamics and upcoming arcs and plot points.  It’s also very fun, sets the general early tone of “Adventure and excitement but not too much... yet.” and the animation continues to impress in small ways, mostly the dynamic shot choices, camera angles and movements and the subtlety of emotion displayed on faces.

Coming back to this one always just leaves me with a warm feeling like, “Aahhh yes, back when everything was innocent.”  It definitely plays up the nostalgic feeling of the OT, which was always one of Rebels’ strengths as a show.

Next time, one of the many “filler” episodes that come back in an important and unexpected way in the finale.  You’d think, given the number of Avatar: The Last Airbender alums on the project, fandom would know better than to discount the seemingly light-hearted low-stakes disconnected episodes. XD

[micamone]

robbie stacey valentino's only crimes were being a teenager, and being an antagonist in a story told from a sweaty childs point of view

[threebooksoneplot]

The only thing I don’t like about your podcast is that I didn’t think of it first. This is 1000% my own personal brand of heroin. Love it!

Comment on Ep 2: You observe that Edward doesn’t have any reason to be the miserable misanthrope that he is — but he tells us a very good reason in MS. He hears everyone’s thoughts, and almost everyone thinks terrible things they would never admit to at least once in a while, and everyone sometimes says one thing but disingenuously thinks something else entirely. I’m sure most of us would lose faith in humanity entirely if we knew what everyone was thinking all the time, and Edward says as much in MS.

That’s why he’s so fond of Angela, because she is one of the rare humans who mostly DOESN’T think something terrible once in a while. And of course it’s why he’s OBSESSED with Bella, because of course she is the only human on earth who won’t EVER disappoint him by an unruly thought once in a while because he can’t hear her. And EVEN THEN he complains about “always wanting to know what [Bella] is thinking, [he] just wishes she wasn’t thinking some things!”

SO: Edward hates people because everyone has a awful uncharitable thought once in a while, and hearing them all, Edward holds them against every human he meets. Except Bella, who he loves because he will never hear something he doesn’t like in her thoughts. (And deep in his heart he absolutely suspects this is the reason he is attracted to her, admitting it to himself at first but of course convincing himself over time that his feelings are much more pure and noble than that — because of course HIS love story has to be The Most Epic Of All Time!)

Anyway, I love the show and as you can tell I could talk for DAYS about this stuff. So I can’t wait to hear more of YOU doing just that! ;)

thank you so much for the kind encouragement!!! I (G) have no idea what eldritch muse possessed me to go "hey we should read all three books" but I'm grateful every day that I listened to it and that shannon didn't block me on sight. #thankful and blessed

gonna take point on this one since I am the Opinion Haver in question here 😈 long meaty answer ahead, you've been warned

you make an excellent point re: bella's mental silence 100% influencing how edward perceives her (we touch on that more in Episode 4—thanks laura!) he himself even admits that her silence is 50% of what draws him to her, of course. definitely a cornerstone of their relationship.

you've also perfectly articulated what I think is edward's main issue: he gives far more weight to people's thoughts than to their actions. there's an old post somewhere on this site about overcoming internalized prejudice that basically boils down to "your first thought isn't what matters, it's your next thought (and the conscious actions you choose to take) that actually counts." you're so right that edward, on the other hand, is holding everyone accountable for Thought Crimes they never end up committing irl.

where I think you and I may diverge, and definitely where I diverge from edward and smeyer, is that I guess I have a more optimistic, rousseau-ian view of humanity. if you're telepathically hearing everyone's Bad Thoughts, you're also hearing everyone's Good Thoughts. I don't think I agree that any mind-reader would lose their faith in humanity, though of course there's no way to know for sure. I wish I could test it out somehow!

from an out-of-universe writing standpoint, I still firmly believe the whole phenomenon only works because stephenie has deliberately populated her story with Terrible People™ side characters, and I'll always consider it a sign of shallow and immature storytelling that she can't seem to build edward and bella up without constantly tearing those other characters down. (not that this is at all unique to Twilight—I know it's common in certain genres, like romance, and I find it just as shallow in other works, too!)

like, on an individual level, "condemning everyone for Thought Crimes" is a fun and interesting flaw that informs edward's character and makes his telepathy more central to who he is. I'm guessing the edward-inclined corner of this fandom has explored it in fic and meta a lot, and I think that's a cool and worthwhile pursuit.

but I stand by my original point that it's deeply alienating to read about when I'm in his POV, and goes a long way toward making his character unlikable to me personally. I don't think I'll ever find mind-reading alone a good enough, or "realistic" enough, reason for him to sneer at all of humanity, and to that end I still believe some sort of concrete ostracism in his backstory would have gone a long way toward making him more sympathetic and likable, since we're clearly intended to find him that way and think of him as an ideal romantic partner. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

anyway, it was SO COOL to get a long, sweet, thoughtful ask like this (that demanded an equally thoughtful answer!) I hope the rest of our episodes are just as entertaining and thought-provoking 😍❣️❣️❣️

[thebellekeys]

Now that you've read cc1... Thoughts, if you don't mind?

Alright, let's go. Just want to point out that I still don't support SJM as a person, and I'm still a critic of her writing regardless of my feelings about any of these new characters. Also note that this is just a tangle of thoughts and not a proper review.

- I would give a kidney or any selection of organs for Ruhn Danaan, like I love that man so much. Definitely my favorite character in the book. Danika is my second favorite character. I really like Bryce and Hunt as individuals (despite the overwhelming Main Character Syndrome they display). That being said, I don't ship them. Their romance is pretty generic, kinda boring and cringey in this book. I'm not saying I wish it didn't exist, but I could not care less about the ship itself. Doesn’t matter to me personally if they sail or sink.

- Side characters: I absolutely adore Lehebah, Syrinx, Jesiba, Tharion, and Isaiah to death! I have a major crush on Micah, given that I figured out he was the Big Bad early on in the book and got to appreciate him in a Sexy Villain Dictator light. Hypaxia and Fury are on my radar as favorite side characters too, once I get to know more about them in the future book.

- I like the City. It's messy as hell, and not nearly as good as other recents fantasy worlds written by women (*cough* RF Kuang's Nikan), but it's really gritty and fun! I like the mix of modern and ancient in Crescent City. It feels kinda like Gotham, if it were more supernatural. The actual lore and the different creatures in Midgard is too... messy, as I said, for me to praise, but I like how it all comes together withing the city confines to create an ambiance, even if it's not coherent. I think the messenger otters and the intense bureaucracy in literally *everything* are my favorite aspects of the world.

- I feel like someone who’s more versed in high fantasy than me can articulate why the mixing all these different mythogies, belief systems, and folklores in a single book is a bad idea. We got the Fall of Lucifer and Judeo-Christian elements, ancient Rome, celtic and norse mythology, and a few more things packed into one setting. Like, the world is called Midgard… but it’s run by these demigods formed born from stars… who command batallions of Judeo-Christian angels. Oh, and then the citizens worship these other five gods who aren’t actually linked to the demigods and who feel vaguely roman. Sometimes it was interesting, but it really bugged me because the worldbuilding just didn’t mesh. It felt, even though this may not be true, like Janet was making stuff up as she went along and the editor just sighed and decided to roll with it.

- Sarah J. Maas still absolutely sucks at writing believable trauma. I got so fed up the torture porn -> hurt/comfort pipeline, like please write something else Janet. This isn't AO3, and they still do it better anyway. Sarah also sucks at writing warfare and believable civilian casualty, but I digress.

- You see what went down in Jesibah's library with Micah and Lele and Syrinx and the whole revelation about the Horn??? Favorite scene!!! I was super emotional reading that, like it really reminded me of Dobby. I really enjoyed that scene even though it was heart-breaking as hell. Another scene I adored was the Summit scene cus it really reminded me of bullshit like UN Assemblies and the G7 Summit where leaders meet up to brag about how fancy they are and then fail at productivity.

- There is room for me to like both Bryce and Hunt more, once they hopefully stop with their Mary Sue Pick Me behavior in Book 2. They were just far too generic for me sometimes. I like Bryce just an ounce more than Aelin and Feyre, and I like Hunt more than Rhys and Rowan. No one in this book is on the same tier as Dorian and Lucien except for (maybe) Ruhn (because I need to see how the second book goes before I decide). Bryce self-victimizes too much and Hunt is plain stupid most of the time, and I’ve seen this a thousand times before. I rolled my eyes so hard when it was revealed Bryce was special and royal all this time like bruh, that shit was cliché asf.

- I lost a year to my lifespan everytime someone “snarled”, “growled”, or “purred”. I also got back pain everytime there was a sentence that was actually just a clause with a fullstop, because *dramatic effect* amirite.

Okay, that’s all for now. I’m sure I’ll have a lot more thoughts on this 800 page behemoth, but I finished it like 5 seconds ago, so I’ll stop here.

[doorsclosingslowly]

Would you be willing to give some director's commentary on the fic where Jesper is dead? I loved it so much, would love to hear about what went into some of the choices and scenes

Thank you! I’m excited about all the fics I publish but Another Dream About Shapeshifting is so dear to my heart and I guess the why’s gonna be super obvious as soon as I start rambling.

CN internalized ableism, suicidal ideation

Escape

The scene I thought up as soon as I read the prompt mashup. Kaz and Jesper, on the run from—nothing and everything, but mostly from Kaz’s feelings when he realizes he’s failed to help his bestie. Jesper’s death is a metaphor. This is a story about why it’s so hard to ask for and receive help while the pain’s still somewhat manageable.

He’s dealt with undiagnosed ADHD for as long as Kaz has known him, he’s never lived in a world that accommodates the way his brain works. Never had the support he needs. He’s never been at ease. When he breaks down (dies) it’s due to the same stress he’s suffered all along. Therefore: he didn’t appear any different, close to the edge. The breakdown whose details—distorted and literalized—guided this portrayal was going to the psych ward instead of killing myself because life was a ceaseless painful struggle (and then I got diagnosed as autistic and I’m getting care now but anyway)

Touchscreen

Kaz isn’t handling this well internally. He tells Jesper they’ll go drive because he knows things have to change or this will happen again, because he can’t admit he doesn’t want to let Jesper out of his sight, because he can’t articulate the guilt of overlooking how bad Jes was doing. Grandiose caring acts and silence, that’s Kaz. It’s illusory though to imagine you can always tell when people are at their breaking point: especially when they’ve been fighting forever, what from the outside is “normal” is already “extreme stress”. This theme will resurface in the beach scene.

Shopping centre

A filler but a fun one? By this scene I had decided on how to write post-death Jesper. I love body horror, but it’s not the vibe for this, so instead I went heavy on the synaesthesia and the flower eating, in a way alluding to the way Jesper’s processing and sensually enjoying the world around him again after it greyed out during the worst of his illness/stress/depression.

Supplies

More Kaz showing his stress, this time smoking relapse (by the way the reason why people in my fics tend to smoke Camels is due to an incredible song about how the Camel mascot’s face looks like a dick and balls). Kaz’s guilt shows back up, this time obliquely connecting Kaz’s pain after Jordie’s death with what could happen to Jesper’s friends and family if they found out they didn’t help Jesper.

Piss break

Filler. Bodily functions because I like the rootedness in the world and the body of these kinds of details. I don’t like driving and find the idea of Kaz Brekker: shitty slow driver funny. Plus, I imagine the Crows are all city creatures nowadays and don’t need licenses. Kaz drinks Monster energy drinks in memory of a fellow patient in the psych ward and also because I had the phrase “Kaz pounds a Monster” in one draft.

Texting

Jesper, not telling people what happened. just like he didn’t tell them he was struggling before. We’re back at another aspect of the main theme. The feeling of intruding into other people’s life if you ask for help that you can already guess will need to be substantial, and they’re all dealing with their own important issues and they’re just somehow better at coping than you. Then, trying to shield people from your pain because you know they’ll feel responsible. They’d feel responsible if they knew how long they have seen—but not *seen*--you struggle. Of course Jesper can’t tell his Da.

Doctors

I went to doctors and therapists and psychologists multiple times over more than a decade, and some of them helped sometimes but they there’d be something I’d need to organize by myself, calls I’d need to make, referrals I’d need to seek out, and I was too ill and stressed to do that while at the same time keeping my daily life in any way running. So I prioritized. Avoided the certain, immediate consequences of not showing up to classes or work. Until I couldn’t do that anymore, either.

Flat

Another filler for pacing reasons. “Apparently, being dead is just as much work as being alive, and Jesper wasn’t even good enough not to fuck that one up.” The external pressures don’t stop, even when you break down, another reason why Kaz’s panicked decision to take Jesper away from it all does actually help. The genital vore joke is because serious stories need jokes and because I like bringing up the fact that flowers are genitals.

Beach

Key scene. Kaz’s monologue about the way Jordie drowned in plain sight, fighting for life so hard he couldn’t shout, is paralleling Jesper’s trying to manage work and uni and looking like a neurotypical person so hard he’d got no strength or brainpower left to ask for help from doctors or friends and family, and they can’t see he’s sinking because he just looks like normal old Jesper. Jesper’s starting to affect the environment now, plants growing from his footsteps, partially because do you remember the forest god in Princess Mononoke?? that ruled so hard and partially because I wanted to show him growing stranger because there is no way to return to the old you after that kind of a breakdown.

James bond

None of the grand questions get resolved. Guilt. Help. The future. Instead, Kaz and Jesper indulge in the small solution they’ve found, moments when it’s fun to be alive. They’re making up spy stories because I was listening to the Kill James Bond podcast in the time period when I wrote this, very funny do recommend.

[ohpretty-baby]

my babysitter’s a quarterback • jjk

⇥ pairing: qb!jungkook x cheerleader!reader

⇥ side pairing: namseok

⇥ synopsis: after getting cheated on by the star of the hockey team, park jimin, your life (as expected) goes downhill. what you don’t expect is your parents being skeptical of whether or not you’re a good older sibling for your sister. you also don’t expect them to call jeon jungkook—the person you hate most—to babysit the two of you.

or, alternatively: jungkook babysits you even though the two of you are the same age.

⇥ genre: fluff, crackfic, angst, e2l, jungkook is stupid, jimin’s an asshole, hoseok’s a sweetie, namjoon is also a sweetie, reader is Stressed, pining, mutual pining

⇥ warnings: cursing, crude humor, mentions of cheating, divorce

⇥ word count: 30.0k

based off a request for @fan-ati--c​ (i hope you like it dear!)

a/n: hi everyone!!! this is my first ever lengthy fic, so pls have mercy on me. i had a lotta fun writing this, so i hope you guys enjoy!!!! much much much much MUCH love <333 (feel free to give feedback and your opinions!)

“Y/N, what has gotten into you?” Your mom gently places the tip of her fork on her plate, folding her hands together. Her words are stern, but she doesn’t raise her voice in order to save face. The air at the dinner table is dense and heavy on you, and the fact that your father and your little sister, Clementine, seem to have their eyes glued on you doesn’t help either. Clementine sniffles and the sound makes your blood boil.

You sigh, looking up from your phone to shoot a glare to your mother. You also send a glance of distaste towards your sister, which allows you to get a quick sight of her puffy eyes and runny nose. The prongs of your fork are poking your lips while you lazily chew the spaghetti stuffed in your mouth. Shrugging, you place your phone and the fork down, folding your hands in order to mirror your mom seated in front of you.

You stay silent, lips pressed tightly into a thin line, because you know she has more to say.

“Darling, you’re being extremely immature,” Your mom always had to give it to you straight, “You know that Clementine didn’t mean to upset you.”

As always, your mother is articulate and sharp when she speaks. Not once does she stutter, and after being her daughter for 17 years, you’re not entirely sure if she’s ever stumbled on her words before in her entire life. It’s indicative of her personality: intelligent, quick-witted, skilled, yet unbelievably blunt. From the way her patients praise her for constantly being compassionate and kind, you often wonder if your mom really is a psychiatrist or if she’s hired a clone to work in her stead.

It’s not that you hated your mom. You loved her dearly, as you did with the rest of your family. The reason why you seemed to always butt heads with her, though, is simply because you have a little too much in common with her (personality-wise). Your dad’s always said that you were a carbon copy of your mother, after all.

“All I’m asking is that Clem asks me if she can use my makeup,” You cough, a few bits of the noodles going down the wrong pipe, “You, of all people, mom, know how expensive lipstick can be. I need that for football games.”

It’s not a clear statistic, but it is a pretty solid fact. You always use facts in order to back up your arguments, just so that your parents can’t say anything in response. Sometimes it works. You’re still waiting for the day when you have something impactful to use.

“Well, you know that when she sees you getting all pretty,” She taps her fingers on the wooden table, “She wants to do the same, and as the-“

“As the older sister, I have to share,” You roll your eyes, and you shift your focus on Clementine, “Sorry, ok? I won’t get so mad next time.”

“Clementine, what do you say?”

“It’s ok,” She sniffles, wiping her eyes.

“No, dear. What do you say?”

“I forgive you, Y/N.”

You bite back the sarcastic comments you’re dying to say, opting to stuff your mouth with spaghetti instead. The rest of your family starts eating as well, and you keep your head low to avoid making eye contact with your sister. You love her with almost every bone in your body, but right now, you can’t tell if you want to throw your food at her or slap her with your ceramic plate.

Today, she took it upon herself to go through your makeup bag and steal one of your (again, highly expensive) lipsticks so she could slice it with a butterknife purely out of boredom. This all happened while you were taking a bath, and when you got into your room, you saw her sitting at your desk, lipstick chunks spread all over one of your old math notebooks. So of course, you yelled at her.

Then she cried. Then your mom made you apologize because you were upset that she wrongfully went through your stuff without permission. But that’s really how things have always been, ever since you were 5 years old and Clementine was just born. You’ve grown up constantly taking the blame for Clementine’s wrongdoings. It’s just how things work in your household, because your parents genuinely believe that she could do no wrong.

Apparently, being 12 gave you lots of perks.

“Y/N?” Your mother’s voice brings you out of your thoughts, “Y/N, listen to me when I speak to you.”

“Sorry, what’d you say?” You don’t care about matching your mom’s formality anymore, your cheek puffed up with more food.

“I was asking you how your day was.”

“Oh, just wonderful. Fantastic. Dandy,” You snap back, not really aware of what you’re saying as your words fly out of your mouth.

“What’s with your attitude, young lady?” She scoffs, then pauses a bit before speaking again, “Listen, I know that it’s tough, having to see Jimin-“

You slam your hands on the table, standing up. Your chair screeches awkwardly against the wood flooring of the dining room. Swallowing down the rest of your food, you try to soothe the hard lump forming in your throat.

“Do not try to analyze me. I’m not one of your patients. There’s nothing you need to fix about me, got it?” You raise your voice, staring her dead in the eye, “I just had a shit week and I very much do not need you to try and pinpoint whatever’s going on in my head.”

Your mother gasps, and only now does your dad decide to speak.

“Young lady, go to your room right now,” His words fall flat, and you scoff at him.

Your parents were complete opposites. If your mother was over analytical, your father could never read the room. Not because he was dumb, per say, but because he was always in his own little world. He always responded a little too late, felt things a second after they should be felt. That’s just how your dad thinks. He doesn’t mean to be mentally absent when all of you were at home, but he’s always been preoccupied with his work. That’s a big thing you’ve admired about your dad, how easily he can focus on one thing and ignore the rest. It’s one of the main reasons why he was so successful as an architect. Growing up, you would stay up past your bedtime just so you could be with him in his office. You’d watch how he could just sit down and create a multitude of building designs without getting distracted.

By the way he looks at you with a flash of guilt in his eyes, you can tell that he’s the only one that gets your reasoning. You can also tell that he knows how wrong it is for your mom to bring up your ex-boyfriend during dinner.

But because he wants to uphold his “authoritative” figure, he needs to “put his foot down”.

“I was planning on it anyway, thanks,” You grumble, storming off.

Once you reach your room, you slam the door—purely for dramatic effect. You throw yourself on the bed, getting out your phone and doing the first thing that pops into your head. You call Hoseok and he answers right away. A smile flashes on your face as you feel some relief from your anger.

“Hello?”

Jung Hoseok has been your best friend ever since you first stepped into your hellhole of a high school building. He was your saving grace. The only thing that kept you sane.

When you joined the Monarchs, the cheerleading squad of your school, Hoseok was the only person who talked to you during practice, even if he was a year older than you. An infamous characteristic of his is his big smile. His lips always resembled a widened heart, and he showed off his pearly whites wherever he went, exuding happiness that was extremely contagious. And if his smile was big, his heart was even bigger.

You know this because Hoseok immediately asks you “Is everything okay?” when he hears your shaky breath over the line.

You explain to him what had happened seconds prior to this phone call. Then your conversation spirals into you ranting about how your parents have been telling you that you’ve been a terrible sibling. It’s something insulting to hear, knowing that they’ve always made you take the blame for everything your sister does. It hurts even more that they can’t acknowledge the fact that getting through a breakup is hard for a 17 year old girl. They couldn’t even cut you some slack.

A pang of guilt hits you when you relay everything you’ve said to your sister over to Hoseok. Maybe you were somewhat in the wrong here. But could you blame yourself? You were going through a hard time, and it’s not unusual for someone who’s stressed to act out. Not to mention when the stressor is heartbreak.

During the beginning of September, you found Park Jimin, your past boyfriend of one year, and some other Sophomore on the cheer team making out in his car afterschool. It was now the end of October, but the memory haunts you in your every waking moment. The image of another girl pressed up on him, her skirt hiked up high enough so that you could see her spandex, flashes in your mind. In your head, you see Jimin running her hands all over the girl’s skin, purple splotches blooming on her neck and on his.

You shut your eyes, rubbing them violently as you try to ignore the painful truth: If you hadn’t decided to surprise him with some brownies you made for him that day, they would’ve done a lot more than just making out.

The notion makes tears prick your eyes, the familiar sting returning. You had been crying almost every night. Everytime you close your eyes, the same image of him and that girl appears and you can’t get rid of it at all.

You’re about to break down again, and Hoseok talks you through it. He allows you to vent, to let everything out, and he promises that the two of you will hang out after tomorrow’s practice. It gives you relief, something to look forward to at the end of the next school day. Tomorrow was Friday after all, and like you said before to your mom, your week was shit.

There had to be at least one good thing you could have this week.

That statement is short lived, however, because instead of sitting with Hoseok at your favorite diner with a strawberry milkshake in front of you, you’re sitting at your dinner table yet again, poking at pizza with a plastic fork. You stare at the grease stains on your paper plate in disgust, as the dining room is so silent you can practically hear the small ticks of the red second hand of the clock on the wall. 

What a great way to start the weekend. Friendless, boyfriend-less, and miserable. You look up from the greasy mess before you to shoot a glare to the person in front of you.

“Why the hell are you here?” are your first words to the boy.

“Your parents called me?” He responds, mimicking your questioning tone. You scoff at him.

Jeon Jungkook. The cocky, annoying as fuck quarterback on the football team who coincidentally sits behind you in Pre-Calc everyday is now sitting across from you at your dinner table. The boy who breaks off pieces of eraser chunks and throws them at your head just to annoy you while the teacher is giving a lesson. The kid who kicks your chair at least five times every single day just because he has fun getting a rise out of you.

You don’t know how exactly your hatred for him began, but it definitely started when you first became a cheerleader.

Popularity was never something that came easily to you. Many people don’t remember, but in Freshman year, the only time your class knew of you was when your name was called for attendance. You didn’t play any sports, nor did you participate in theatre or had any musical talents whatsoever. You were simply just, there.

This all changed when your mom suggested cheerleading. You did have a few years of solid gymnastic experience and you really had nothing better to do, so you decided to take the opportunity to sign up for tryouts.

It was hard, and you slipped up a lot of times, but the coaches saw potential in you. They told you that you’ve really got drive, and they praised you for continuing to get up and perfectly following directions when they asked you to execute an especially hard move. Eventually, you were accepted and once you had more time to practice, you had gotten the hang of cheerleading quite quickly. You ended up falling in love with the sport, working hard both on and off the field. You always got constant praise for your willingness to learn new things.

And with your new success on the team, you gained a reputation for yourself.

When, exactly, did Jungkook join the picture?

You’re not sure. He kind of forced himself in.

One day, you weren’t at your usual best. The sun was beating down on you harshly, which didn’t make things any better. The football team had been practicing with you guys, and it was obvious that many of the boys were ogling at the cheerleaders. They would nudge each, looking suggestively at the girls while whispering crude comments about them.

Jungkook, being the youngest and most energetic one on the team, had other ideas in mind. You see, he lived quite loudly and he was… Eccentric, to say the least.

His eyes were focused on the cheerleaders, pinpointing at anything that would be of use to him. He peered around intently, looking for any mess ups or mistakes that they had made. He would have made fun of anyone, really. Jungkook didn’t know much about the girls on the squad, so he really had no problem using their flaws to his benefits. He wanted to make his own team laugh, and that in itself was justification enough for Jungkook.

It was just unfortunate that you were his target.

Once he saw you topple over on the ground, he was ready.

“Hey, thunder thighs! Be careful out there!”

After that, you heard nothing but boisterous laughter from the football players. It was an immature insult, one ridiculous enough to enrage you. You wished you could’ve ran over to the other side of the field and just punched him the gut, right then and there. But his own coach and grabbed him by the ear, dragging him towards you so he could apologize.

It was a lame apology, and you could tell that he was trying everything in his absolute power to bite back the laugh he was holding in. You would've said something about it, but since Jungkook was more built than you and there were authorities present, you reluctantly accepted the apology, choosing to go on with your practice instead of letting it get to you.

And after that day, Jungkook has made it his goal to torment you whenever he sees you. Since he sits behind you in Pre-Calc now, that’s become his job every day.

Jungkook was taller than Jimin. He was a pretty attractive football player, too. You would give him at least that. But he was meaner than Jimin. A bigger asshole than Jimin. More annoying than Jimin could ever be.

Literally any good quality that you thought you could find in a guy, Jeon Jungkook did not possess it. Any kindness, sympathy, or even general decency in his heart was nowhere to be found.

He had messy brown hair, a smug grin on his face that you’d love to punch, and a lean body that you wish had gone cripple. Confidence wasn’t something that he had a lack of. In fact, Jungkook’s cup overfloweth with so much confidence to the point where describing him as merely confident would be a misdeed.

Narcissistic was the word. He was extremely narcissistic and obsessed with himself, which was indicative of the daily gym snaps he’d post on his Snapchat story. He was everything that disgusted you about guys combined and turned human.

Jungkook’s very presence could set you off, and you know that he lives off of that.

This is no different from your Friday night, as he’s gnawing on pizza right in your own damn house. He’s scrolling through his phone and you’re staring at him in disgust, while Clementine has already eaten and is now sitting on the couch, curled up with some sci-fi book she got from the store last week. Taking in his appearance, you inwardly cringe when you notice him lick the oil that has found itself on his fingers.

“There’s a napkin right next to you.”

“That would be a waste of paper,” Jungkook responds, licking away the last remnant of oil and marinara sauce on his thumb, “Gotta be eco-friendly, y’know?”

He wiggles his fingers at you, his infamous shit-eating grin appearing yet again. You hate the way his mouth tugs up to the right a little bit, how his eyes gleam mischievously since he’s so full of himself. If Clementine wasn’t in the house right now, you’re certain that Jungkook would’ve been on the floor, knocked out. You would’ve hit him with a frying pan, like in that one Disney movie Clementine loved so much. Or you would’ve hit him with your Pre-Calc textbook. That shit was heavy. You could knock him out cold with that. Give him a taste of his own medicine.

You roll your eyes at him, saying nothing and eating the rest of your pizza. You make a mental note to ask your parents why the fuck they thought it was a good idea to call over Jungkook on a Friday night.

But you know the answer to that already. They seem to believe that you haven’t been “responsible” enough for Clementine, which is weird, knowing that you’ve practically raised her all her life. Your parents have always been too busy to spend enough quality time with her, save for when they defend her at dinnertime.

So instead of having a civil conversation with you—or even asking if you were doing alright—they decided (without your permission) that a babysitter would be the best option for your little sister. And you still had to stay at home tonight because your mom asked you to “see if the babysitter is okay for Clementine”.

You’re not sure where the logic was in your parents’ thought process, but you did feel bad about your sister. She had warmed up to you a little bit after yesterday, but you know that she’ll stay closed off for a while. Not only to you, but to everyone else. You wish that your parents had known that. If they did, they’d be able to get that you’re probably the best babysitter for her. But no, they had to invite Jungkook over, someone who’s boisterous and annoying, and they probably expect Clementine to get along with him just fine. (And also, what had even compelled him to start a career in babysitting?)

So you decide to stay, just so she won’t be scared of being in her own house. You have been hard on her for a little bit after all, getting irrational and moody whenever she talks to you. It’s the least you could do for her. Despite everything, you still did really love her. 

She was your sister, for goodness sake!

“Hey, just a reminder,” Jungkook’s at your trash can, throwing away his plate, “Your bedtime’s at 10 tonight.”

It’s a stupid statement, and both of you are aware that the rules are for your sister. You can’t help but feel yourself heat up, though, when he sends a wink your way.

“That’s for my sister, you dumb fu-“

Your obvious response and insult combo is interrupted when you find Clementine standing in the doorway.

“Y/N?” Her voice is timid, shy, and her head hangs low when she speaks. She doesn’t like how there’s some random stranger in the kitchen.

“Yes?”

“Can we play Telestrations?” She keeps her eyes on you, and you feel yourself soften. It’s been a little bit since the two of you played anything together.

“Mind if I join in?” Jungkook says before you can actually respond to her. He shoves his hands in the pockets of his sweatpants, and Clementine blinks at him, stunned. All she does is nod, too afraid to verbally respond to your classmate.

You’re also stunned by his sudden change in demeanor. His cocky aura is replaced with a soft tone, smiling brightly at Clementine instead of smirking at you. He walks over to her, asking her where the board game is. She mumbles something quietly, something only Jungkook can hear, and he responds with an even more enthusiastic grin. He turns to you before they make their way back to the living room.

“You coming, or…?”

So that’s how you find yourself at your coffee table with your little sister and the most annoying person you’ve met in your entire life, getting ready to play a round of Telestrations.

All you can say is that your night definitely isn’t going the way you planned at all.

He’s sitting criss cross applesauce on the carpet, extremely relaxed as you pass out the cards, the drawing pads, and the dry erase markers. You try to hide the scowl you oh so desperately want to show, but if Clementine sees you upset with him, she’ll definitely feel less safe with him.

You don’t know why you’re defending him, but here you are, attempting to be civil with him just to make sure your sister doesn’t feel as threatened as you do. You try your best not to start any fights with him, either. You’ve heard enough about people calling you a bitch at school. Ever since you broke up with Jimin, you’ve somehow been deemed the psychotic ex by all of your peers, because how could Jimin possibly do anything wrong?

You can’t tell what’s worse: the fact that everyone says you’re a bitch, or the fact that girls come up to you now, asking you for advice on your ex-boyfriend.

Sighing, you watch as Clementine rolls a four and chooses “This Side” of the cards. You internally groan when you look at the yellow side of the card. The glossy square seems to laugh at you, presenting what your subject would be.

How the hell were you supposed to draw “tunnel vision”?

Writing your name and the word on the first page, you mentally prepare for the challenge heading your way.

“Y/N,” Clementine calls for you, “Mine isn’t working…”

Jungkook hands his marker to her before you can, and he’s testing all the other markers in the box to see if they’ll work for him. You look at him accusingly, eyes asking him: “What the hell are you trying to gain?” He shrugs at you, a simple action that tells you:

“Sorry, I’m just a great babysitter.”

He quickly goes back to his own card, copying down the words with his new marker. You return your attention to your pad, figuring out how you were going to draw your word.

“Are you gonna set the timer, Clementine?” Jungkook asks, and she shakes her head.

“We don’t use it,” She responds in a mere whisper, and Jungkook can’t hear her.

“Huh?”

“We don’t use the timer,” You answer for her, “It’s more fun that way. You can take your time.”

He nods, and the three of you flip to the first page so you can start.

You draw—well, attempt to draw—a pair of glasses facing two strange rods. You squint at the doodle, examining it as if you had to guess what the answer was. The only possible answers you’ve come up with are that A.) You’re terrible at drawing, B.) Art is definitely not your future career, and C.) No one is going to be able to figure out your drawing, not even yourself.

“So, Clementine,” Jungkook starts, catching both you and your sister’s attention, “That’s a pretty cool name.”

“Thank you,” She doesn’t look up from her pad, too focused on her drawing.

“Do people call you anything else?” He prompts, going to work on his own pad as well.

“What do you mean?” “Like, nicknames.”

“Oh. My friends call me Tina,” She says, “Y/N calls me Clem, though.”

“That’s dope,” He pops the “p”, and the way his mouth moves is enough to annoy you.

“Yeah,” Is all your sister says, and it’s obvious that both of them are determined in making their drawings look good. You, on the other hand, are already done with your sad chicken scratch of a drawing, and you take the time to watch Clementine as she leans close to her pad, right hand clutching the marker tightly.

Like your dad, Clementine was able to immerse herself in a single task, but unlike him, she was incredibly skilled in multitasking. Sometimes, she’d read a book while having a full conversation with you, and she’d still remember the content of the chapter she was reading. It was a skill that you both envied and admired about her, how she could easily redirect her attention to one task while also still performing the second task flawlessly.

“You done already, Y/N?” Jungkook quirks a brow while he looks up from his drawing. You sneak a glance at your sister, who’s immersed in her drawing, before responding.

“Don’t push it,” You mouth out, folding your hands together on your lap while you wait for the other two to finish. Jungkook flashes an obnoxious smirk your way, and it takes everything in you to not kick him in the balls right now.

“I’m done,” Clementine announces, passing her pad to you. You pass yours to Jungkook, praying that he doesn’t say anything too terrible to you. He then passes his to Clementine, completing the circle.

“W-What?” Jungkook mumbles to himself, biting back a laugh while he examines your drawing. You internally groan. There was no use in hoping that he’d have mercy on you.

In an attempt to block out his bothersome snickering, you try to guess what Clementine’s word was. You feel part of yourself die inside, as you can already tell what she’s drawn. You write the word “deer” on the third page, after looking at the drawing one more time. In the short amount of time Clementine had given herself, her depiction of a deer was scarily accurate.

“Are you guys done?”

She has her pad lying on the coffee table while she drums her fingers on the surface. You nod, while Jungkook has his hand covering his mouth. He shakes his head, still trying to decipher your sad, sad drawing. Instead of making fun of you, he’s actually making an effort to figure out what your word was, eyebrows deeply furrowed while his eyes run across your pad multiple times.

You’d feel bad because you truly don’t have an artistic bone in your body, but seeing him frustrated by your doing slightly amuses you.

Jungkook takes a few seconds before taking a deep sigh and quickly scrawling something on your pad. You can’t tell if you’re excited or dreading what he put down for your word, but that doesn’t matter because now you have to draw Clementine’s guess of what Jungkook’s word is.

A frog?

How come everyone else’s words were so easy? And how are you supposed to remember what a frog looks like?

Biting your lip, you hesitantly put the dry erase marker on the pad. You stop when it makes the initial hit, a small dot appearing on the laminated surface. This is because Jungkook’s leaning over to watch you draw, his hair mere centimeters away from tickling your skin. When you freeze, Jungkook finally moves away, turning to face you.

“You need something?” You ask in an accusatory tone. He shrugs.

“I dunno. You look constipated, so I was curious,” He says, working on a new drawing. It’s another dumb yet excruciatingly annoying jab at you, and you’re baffled at how anyone could think that that was something of use to say.

Clementine giggles, and both you and Jungkook gawk at her in surprise. You feel a sense of betrayal, seeing as your own sister finds someone like Jeon Jungkook humorous. But she’s having fun, so maybe your dignity would have to be something to sacrifice tonight.

And your parents wonder whether or not you’re a good older sister for Clementine, as if you weren’t literally tolerating the person you hate most right now just for her. You steady yourself, being proud of your kindness to him so far. The fact that you’ve actually restrained yourself from knocking Jungkook out in itself is a surprise. You’ll be sure to reward yourself with something later.

You go back to your drawing, working on the small bumps for the eye sockets and the wide almond shape of the frog’s mouth. The frog looks incredibly awkward, its eyes a little too close for your liking. Did frogs have nostrils? Obviously, right? You draw two thin slits on top of its long line of a mouth, hoping that that’s what a frog’s nose looks like. It resembles a frog, and honestly you’re willing to take whatever you can get, so you close the pad, waiting for the other two to finish.

When everyone is done and all of the pads have returned to their respective owners, you get ready to present the devolution of your prompts. Clementine’s eager to go first, which puts a soft smile on your face.

She shows off her deer, and then your correct guess, and then Jungkook’s drawing. Quite frankly, you’re quite amazed at Jungkook’s depiction of the prompt.

There’s a cute deer standing on some grass with a few random flowers around it. Like Clementine’s, it’s quite realistic, keeping in mind of the limited time and resources you’ve all had. Jungkook’s chest swells in pride when the two of you stare at his drawing for a few more seconds, secretly admiring his handiwork.

“I didn’t know you could draw!” Clementine’s indirect praises increase his ego but you stay quiet, not willing to say anything too positive around him.

“You’re not too bad yourself,” Jungkook responds, pointing out how good her deer is.

Jungkook takes his turn to present, and even his frog is amazing. Then, he flips to your drawing, a failed imitation of a frog compared to Jungkook’s accurate one a few seconds ago.

“Tina,” The sudden use of the nickname confuses you. Since when did he think he could be this informal?

“Yeah?”

“Your sister’s not really the creative one in the family,” The corners of his mouth quirk upwards, “Don’t you think?”

Clementine thinks about what to say while Jungkook watches the steam coming out of your ears in pure delight. No matter how good of an artist Jungkook is, or how good of a babysitter he could be, nothing would ever make you want to be acquaintances with him, let alone being just civil with him. What makes matters worse is that Jungkook can easily get away with making infuriating jabs at you since your sister is here with you.

You also try not to think about how Jungkook is getting paid for tormenting you outside of school, because if you dwell on it for far too long, you don’t know what you’d do.

“Y/N doesn’t have to be good at that kinda stuff,” Clementine turns to you happily, “She’s already cool.”

You sheepishly smile back at her, and then she asks you to show your drawing pad now.

“Okay, so,” You clear your throat, “Uh, my word was tunnel vision.”

“...That actually makes sense now,” Jungkook nods, stroking his chin dramatically. He squints at the drawing as if he was in an art gallery.

“This is my drawing,” You flip the page, revealing your chicken scratch from before. Clementine bursts out laughing, and you can’t help but become a little annoyed at her reaction.

“How did you not get that?” She asks Jungkook, and you feel the anger bubble away and instead become replaced with smugness. Your sister still had your back after all.

“Hey!” He points at your drawing, baffled at your sister, “Look at that and tell me that you’d guess it correctly!”

“Um, yeah,” Clementine snickers.

“How?”

“It’s glasses. Vision,” You chime in, “Then those are tunnels. Tunnel vision, right, Clem?”

“Yeah!”

“What?!” Jungkook gawks while you give your sister a triumphant high five.

“What could you have possibly guessed?” You chuckle, turning the page out of curiosity.

Before you can see the word, however, Jungkook forcibly snatches the pad out of your hands. He’s no match to your quick reflexes, though, because you’re pouncing onto him, pinning him to the carpet so you can retrieve your stolen drawing pad.

You’re about to grab it, but then he grins at you, making you stop in your tracks.

Your eyes widen, realizing how you’re in an extremely close vicinity to him, his face inches away from yours. The two of you make unnerving, silent eye contact, each of you staring at each other’s face from time to time. It’s during this that you notice how big his eyes are, resembling Clementine’s drawing of the deer from before. You also notice the mole under his bottom lip and how his lips are naturally tinted a pleasant pink. Jungkook chuckles tauntingly at you and you come back to your senses. You’ve been staring at his lips far longer than you’d like to admit.

“Can’t get your hands off me, huh?” He whispers, winking at you. The pizza you had eaten 20 minutes ago crawls up your throat right away, and you immediately peel yourself off of him. Jungkook still has the pad in his hands, signalling a victory for him.

You cough awkwardly, returning to your seat and wiping away imaginary dust on your lap. You claw at some loose fabric of your sweatpants, balling up the material in your hands. Jungkook sits up as well, nonchalantly fixing his now messy hair. He remains unphased, even though you were literally on top of him a few seconds ago.

“He put Harry Potter and taquitos,” Clementine says, breaking the silence. Jungkook’s eyes shoot up to send her a glare with feigned annoyance, while you end up laughing a bit louder than you’d like to. Then again, anything to relieve the uncomfortable tension would work.

Jungkook’s cheeks are tinted a shy, light pink, while embarrassment is painted all over his face. It’s a lame situation to laugh at, one that you probably would never admit to anyone that you find it humorous, but seeing Jungkook flustered makes you the happiest girl in the world.

The night continues with Clementine bringing out all of the board games your parents bought you over the years. It’s fun yet unbelievably painful, having to cooperate with Jungkook just for the sake of Clementine. When you played Monopoly with them, you were always reluctant to give Jungkook money, even if it was fake. You were also reluctant to receive money from him, even if the action was beneficial for you and not the other way around.

He spends the night still making stupid jabs at you, some of them earning laughs from your sister. You suck it up and deal with it, because this is the happiest you’ve seen Clementine in a long time, so you just strain a smile and move on.

When it’s about 9:45 PM, the three of you stop playing board games since Clementine has to get ready for bed. You come up to her room so that you can say goodnight and tuck her in.

“Today was fun, Y/N,” She giggles while you pull the covers over to her.

“That’s good to hear, Clemmie,” You respond, placing a soft kiss on her forehead.

Before you shut off her light, Clementine grabs the bottom hem of your shirt.

“Y/N?”

“What’s up?” The scared look in her eyes tells you that you’re gonna have to stay for a little longer, so you sit down on the bed.

“Are mom and dad gonna be okay?”

At first, you’re shocked that Clementine had even noticed, but then again, she’s always been this observant. And she was 12 already. She wasn’t dumb. It was also obvious that the reason why your parents randomly decided to go to dinner tonight was because they were trying to iron out some issues that they’ve been having.

All you do is nod and ruffle her hair playfully. Another smile appears on her face when you kiss her cheek.

“Everything’s gonna be okay,” You say, although you’re not so sure yourself.

Recently, you’ve been having trouble sleeping as well. This was because your parents always start fighting whenever they see that Clementine is asleep. You don’t know what exactly they’re arguing about every night, but you’ve assumed that it must be money issues or something along the lines of that. Real adult stuff that they want to keep you two out of, but it’s so hard to ignore when they’re yelling at each other so loudly.

Clementine’s room is closer to the stairs. Of course it’s not a surprise that she’d notice there was something wrong with your parents.

“Do you think I…?” She mumbles out the question, but you don’t need her to finish the rest of it because you’re wrapping an arm around her, pulling her close to you.

“Don’t ever think that,” You say, sighing, “You didn’t do anything, ok? Mom n’ Dad are just fixing things between themselves.”

She nods, hugging you back.

“You should go to sleep,” You pull yourself off of her, placing yet another kiss on her head before tucking her in under the covers, “Everything’s gonna be okay.”

“Promise?” She sticks out her pinky finger and you chuckle, sticking out yours and looping it around hers.

“I promise.”

“Night, Y/N.”

You say goodnight to her, turning off her lamp and shutting the door. Now that she was attended to, you had to start cleaning up. You walk downstairs to see Jungkook sprawled out over your couch, lazily scrolling through his phone. You wish that the saying “Make yourself at home” never existed, since your parents have an affinity for using it, which in turn forces you to deal with Jungkook laying on your couch like a complete slob.

The first job you assign yourself is to tidy up the living room, and you stack up all of the board games together so you can put it in the random storage closet your house has. Jungkook, of course, doesn’t bat an eye at the fact that you’re cleaning up the house all by yourself.

An uncomfortable silence falls between the two of you. You walk over to the kitchen to have another slice of pizza while Jungkook acts like you don’t exist in your own house. Your stomach grumbles obscenely, even though you had a slice a few hours earlier.

It must be the stress. You do tend to be hungrier when you’re under a lot of stress, and today threw many annoyances your way.  

You check your phone and you realize that Hoseok texted you an hour ago.

[October 9, 7:30 PM] Hobi: Y/N i honestly think i’m gonna lose my mind?????????? Y/N? Y/N where tf are u i’m going insane holy shit text me when u get this PLEASE

Right away, your fingers move at the speed of light

[October 9, 10:30 PM] Y/N: omfg hobs you have no idea the shit i just went thru think i got three years taken off of my life anyways sry for the late reply what happened?

The iconic three dots and text bubble show up. You stifle a laugh. Hoseok must’ve been waiting by his phone for your text.

Hobi: i think i may have gotten myself into a date???

Y/N: a WHAT with WHO Hobi: yknow like mymanwhosnotreallymanbutheis yeah him Y/N: ur joking SPILL

You eagerly chew on the cold, stale pizza in your other hand as you wait for Hoseok to tell his whole story. Whether he’d be sending a voice memo or he’d just spam you with a multitude of texts, you never really knew. That’s just how Hoseok was.

But that didn’t really matter, because Hoseok had a date. With the kid he’s liked since the beginning of last year. Kim Namjoon.

Kim Namjoon, coincidentally in Hoseok’s photography class this semester, was easily the smartest person in the whole school. The teachers were more than heartbroken knowing that he’d be graduating this year. The students, more specifically the girls, were also saddened, because Namjoon was also quite attractive. He was tall, kind, and extremely smart, and because of this, he had earned the title as “The Package” by Hoseok. He was everything everyone ever wanted in one person. Accurately put, Kim Namjoon was a  full package.

Hobi: ok well like we have a project in photography class where we have to take pics of nature and i wanted to do the flowers bc yknow, easy A and since u couldn’t hang out today >:( Y/N: hey, not my fault my parents think that i’m a terrible sister

Hobi: yeah u have to tell me how that went but anyways i went out to take pics after practice and guess who i saw? namjoon

Y/N: aaaaAAAAAHHHH

Hobi: YEAH and then we were talking and stuff and it turns out that he’s doing flowers too and then he gave me HIS NUMBER Y/N: omfg,,,

Hobi: i  k n o w so like i think two hrs ago he texted me and we started talking and stuff and then he was like “yknow there are prettier flowers in the botanical garden downtown” and then he asked if i wanted to hang out next week so i said yeah Y/N: holy shit hobs

Hobi: yeah so it’s not really an official date but i’m counting it as one in my book

You hold back a squeal, though you want to scream at the top of your lungs so badly. You opt to just smiling from ear to ear at your screen as you continue to freak out over text.

Hobi: the only problem is that i have to pretend that i like nature :( but not only that…. like i have to know stuff

Now Hoseok’s begging you for advice on nature, and you mention that you also aren’t the biggest nature lover either. Hoseok tells you he’ll have to do some research on flowers and you think that he’s the funniest person you’ve ever met. 

Your brief moment of happiness is rudely interrupted, however, when you suddenly see Jungkook before you, standing across from you at the kitchen island.

“You’re still hungry?” He says, opening the box and grabbing the last slice.

“You’re one to talk,” You scowl, watching him take a bite from his pizza.

Jungkook leans on the island, which in turn causes him to be closer to you, since you’re also leaning on the same surface.

“You don’t really smile a lot, baby,” He teases, wiping off sauce from the corner of his mouth.

So there he was. The Jeon Jungkook you’ve known and hated so dearly. He’s always called you random pet names, simply because he knows how much you despise him. It takes everything in you to hold back the urge to cuss him out. The walls are thin and your sister might wake up.

“Don’t call me that, first off,” You spit, “Second off, why do you care so much?”

“Jus’ makin’ conversation,” His cheeks puff up as he continues to stuff his mouth with food.

“Like I give a shit,” You grumble, looking away from the chewed up food that you can see in his mouth. It’s so unfortunate that Jungkook thinks it’s a good idea to talk while eating.

“Wow, you’re so mean to me,” He takes a large swallow of his food and then pouts, “You’re killin’ me here, babe.”

Despite his seemingly sad words, Jungkook’s giving you a big, toothy grin. He winks at you for the umpteenth time tonight, and you try to think of all the ways to kill someone in silence. Right now, you wish that Clementine was awake, because it’s only around her that he seems to be somewhat decent towards you.

“You have a nice house and nice parents,” He says, more to himself rather than you as his eyes scan the tidy kitchen, “And your sister’s so nice. Why aren’t you?”

“Why are you such an asshole?”

“Why are you such a bitch?”

Some would say that 10 PM is too late to have a nonsensical argument with some douchebag quarterback from your grade, but here you are having a ridiculously heated dispute with Jungkook at 10 PM. Again, all of this is happening in your own house.  

You roll your eyes at him, and you wonder how you haven’t hurt yourself by the amount of times you’ve done that today.

The two of you eat pizza in angered silence, an uncomfortable situation you never thought you’d ever have in your entire life. Well, you’re a lot angrier than Jungkook, who’s got a smug, satisfied look on his face because he just thinks it’s so much fun to annoy the hell out of you. That makes you even more upset, which causes you to get angry with yourself because you know you shouldn’t let someone get to you like this. It’s a never ending cycle of negativity whenever you’re around him, really.

Soon enough, the faint, muffled sound of the garage opening is heard through the door, and you breathe a sigh of relief. That’s Jungkook’s signal to leave.

Before he leaves, though, he turns to you yet again.

“Thanks for the money,” He winks, “And the free pizza.”

The weekend goes by pretty slowly, but eventually, you end up in the classroom again.

Your school day is pretty much uneventful until you get to 5th hour Pre-Calc.

The busy click, click, click of mechanical pencils and the sound of scribbles from students’ writing are all you can hear after lunch. You follow their leads, hastily scrawling down your own notes on the lines of your notebook on your desk. Once you finally get into the zone of your note taking, you feel Jungkook lean in behind you. He’s so close that you can smell the cologne he uses, and the familiar odor sets off your flight or fight system.

Now that your parents have officially “hired” Jungkook as Clementine’s full-time babysitter, you realize that you’ll be forced to see him more often and have that strong, pungent cologne constantly wafting into your nostrils. You’re certain that you’d lose your sense of smell eventually.

If only Clementine hadn’t continued praising him after he left last Friday. Maybe then your house would actually be a safe haven for you. But no, now Jungkook is allowed to come and go into your house whenever your parents need him. (Again, as if they didn’t have a whole other daughter who was willing to take care of Clementine.)

But that’s another issue to worry about later, because Jungkook’s obnoxiously chomping down on his gum right in your ear. He’s so close that you can practically smell the watermelon flavor from his mouth, and you want to barf.

All you can think is: A.) Who in their right minds would ever actively choose watermelon gum over mint, and B.) Who would think it’s a good idea to chew on their gum so damn loud in the middle of class?

To both of those questions, the answer is Jungkook, plain and clear.

“Do you mind?” You hiss at him as you try to copy what the teacher has written on the chalkboard, “This isn’t a fucking ASMR channel.”

“Slow your roll there, baby,” His words come out in a teasing lilt, the pet name causing you to tighten your grip on your pencil, “First off, mind your business. Second off, I’d be an amazing ASMR youtuber, thank you very much.”

He’s imitating the way you talk to him, which makes your blood boil yet again.

“Well, you’re not giving me any chills.”

“I could if I wanted to.”

His statement causes you to freeze in your seat, mind racing as you try to think of a good comeback. Nothing appears, and you’re sure that if you were in the right headspace, you would’ve already had something good to say.

But you’re still going through heartbreak and the stress of dealing with your parents, so all you can muster to say is:

“You’re disgusting.”

Your words remind you of Friday night, which then makes you want the Earth to cave in under you and swallow you whole. You’re still dumbfounded at how Jungkook was able to come into your house without setting off all of the security systems your parents have installed there.

“Aw, baby girl,” The use of that pet name makes the digested lunch from 20 minutes ago crawl up your throat rapidly, “You really got me there! I’m so hurt, you know that? You’re so mean to me.”

You can’t see him, but you just know that he’s clutching his heart dramatically. Your whole body burns up in flames as you imagine the annoying smile on his face, the way it tugs to the right side a little more because he’s so proud of himself. He can see the steam pouring out of your ears, and all that does is egg him on.

Now he’s poking your back lazily with the end of his pencil, propping his head up on his elbow as he tries his hardest not to laugh.

It takes approximately ten seconds until you snap.

Once the pencil hits your back for the umpteenth time, you reach behind you quickly, snatching it and tugging it forcefully out of his hands. Without thinking, you hold the ends of the pencil between your fists and when your fists shoot up away from each other, the pencil breaks in half cleanly. You’re satisfied with the splintering ends of Jungkook’s pencil while he’s gawking at you, wondering how the hell you could have broken a pencil without any struggle. The smug smile is now on your face, but it quickly fades away when Ms. Lee turns to you and places her hands on her hips, a scowl on her face. You make eye contact with her and you immediately straighten up your seat, your breath hitching as you attempt to remain calm under her threatening presence.

You weren’t scared of many things, but Ms. Lee definitely made your skin crawl.

“Miss Y/N?” Her voice booms all the way to your seat in the back of the class, “Would like to share with the class as to why exactly you’re breaking a pencil in the middle of my lesson?”

“No, ma’am,” You quickly respond, your words coming out in a pathetic squeak.

You can feel the mischievous gaze Jungkook has on you, but you pay no attention to it. The teacher grunts, turning her back to the class and resuming her ever so important task of writing important formulas on the chalkboard.

You let out a soft groan and you noticeably slump in your seat, making Jungkookk chuckle.

“Nice save there, Y/N.”

“Fuck off, will you?” You toss the pencil halves back onto his desk, not wanting to have anything to do with any of Jungkook’s property. You made a mental note to wash your hands once class ended so you could rid yourself of whatever pathogens lurked on Jungkook’s pencil.

“Do you always have such a way with words?”

If you were in a private space with Jungkook, where his hands are tied and he couldn’t do anything to hurt you, you’re sure that he would’ve been beaten to a bloody pulp by now. You desperately yearn to have just one day where you can beat his ass.

But you frown, knowing that that day would never come.

“Do you always act like a pretentious dick?”

“Baby girl,” The name returns and you have never wanted to kill someone as much as you’d like to Jeon Jungkook right here, right now, in 5th Hour Pre-Calc with Ms. Lee, “If there’s anything to describe this dick, it’s certainly not pretentious, I’ll have you know that.”

“Wow,” You scoff, “Do you always have such a way with words?”

“Yes, as a matter of fact-“

“Miss Y/N and Mr. Jungkook!” Ms. Lee bellows, “I am teaching a lesson! Would you like to share-“

“No, ma’am!”

You keep your head low, continuing to copy down the notes on the board. Jungkook kicks the back of your seat multiple times throughout class, and the only thing you can think is:

How is this guy allowed to be around little kids?

Usually, when you see someone regularly in your life, your bond with them grows stronger. But with Jeon Jungkook, you’ve learned with each passing day that your hate for him becomes stronger and stronger. And it’s been exactly five weeks. You’ve kept track.

Because now that he’s your sister’s babysitter, he’s become a lot more involved in your life. At least, he’s become involved in Clementine’s life (which ultimately means yours as well).

And as a result, your parents have started going out almost every single night, save for when there’s a football game or when Jungkook is too busy with homework. This meant that he was at your house at least 3 times a week, sometimes even more, because he just loved being with your family and your family just had to feel the same way. Sometimes your parents would even ask him to drive Clementine home from school. 

(An issue that would easily be solved if they let you learn how to drive. But apparently that was absolutely preposterous.)

One thing you’ve learned about Jungkook is that he’s scarily good at acting. He’s amazing at being sweet to Clementine, offering to drive her home after school whenever he can and creating inside jokes with her all the time as if he wasn’t planning on ruining your life this whole time. Since he’s such a “good babysitter”, your parents have started having him come over for dinner, and almost every night you had to restrain yourself from starting a food fight with him. He was always polite to your parents, though, making easy conversation with them at the table but never even daring to say a single word to you.

If someone was on the outside looking in, they’d think that Jungkook was a good person. Like a superhero, however, when he was around you, he would take off his disguise and reveal what he really is: a conceited jock who only thought with his dick.

The only possible benefit of him taking care of Clementine is that you have a lot more freedom now. That freedom has turned into occasional hangouts with Hoseok on the weekend. You’d usually use any chance you could get of hanging out with your best friend, but you also didn’t trust the dangerous human being who was constantly in your house, watching her. As a result, you’ve chosen to stay at home with Clementine, babysitting her babysitter. You label it as being a protective older sister.

But as Jungkook annoyingly puts it, with his notorious, cocky grin:

“You really like my company, don’t you, babe?”

He couldn’t be further from the truth.

This is different from tonight, though, because you’re relishing in the overly sweet, artificial taste of the strawberry shake right in front of you. It tastes like relief, like some much needed freedom from your overbearing parents on a Thursday evening.

Today, they took it upon themselves to lecture you about your sleeping schedule, telling you it’s irresponsible to stay up so late. What they don’t get is that you’ve been working on an important paper for your AP Lang class while also helping one of your classmates with their own paper. It strikes you that they don’t realize how much schoolwork your teachers pile on you. And it infuriates you even more that they always jump to the conclusion that you’re a bad kid, even though you’ve constantly had good grades while balancing schoolwork with cheer. That notion’s always gone unnoticed.

Of course, this wasn’t a pretty sight to be seen, your parents arguing with you right before their dinner date, and coincidentally, right as Jungkook stepped into the house. You don’t know what his reaction was, but you presume that he was most likely stunned. The only time you’re ever truly enraged, bluntly saying whatever harsh comments come to your mind, is when your mom starts to belittle you. This was the first time Jungkook’s ever seen you this upset. Or articulate.

It was safe to say that things didn’t end well, you storming up into your room and slamming the door.

And, as expected, you chose to have a much needed diner date with Hoseok tonight. Clementine even encouraged you to go, saying that she’d be fine with Jungkook, but you couldn’t help but still be concerned for her safety.

“Y/N, stop checking your phone,” Hoseok whines, snatching it from you, “What’s got your panties in such a knot?”

You grumble in protest when Hoseok scrolls through your conversation with your little sister over text message.

The music from the old, torn down jukebox fills the diner, and you’re surprised that it still even works. That jukebox has been there ever since your parents were kids. Nonetheless, you enjoy the nice, cheery melodies playing from it. You kick at some random bits of fries on the floor, your beaten red converse still visible under the dark shadows of the table. The diner smells of fried food, a scent that you’ll happily breathe in everyday. There’s an elderly couple sitting at the other end of the diner, waiting for their waitress to bring them their food. The old lady waves to you, and you wave back, flashing a small smile her way.

“Y/N, Tina’s gonna be perfectly fine,” He says, creating a shooing motion with his hand, “It’s not like he’s going to kill her.”

“You don’t know that.”

“He literally loves her,” Hoseok takes a bite of his burger, some of the juice from the patty seeping out, “Yesterday he asked me to ask you what type of music Tina liked, Remember? Granted, he was too scared to talk to you. but-”

“Don’t,” You groan, stealing a fry as compensation, “Don’t remind me.”

“Hey, I don’t like him either,” He says, “But I’m just sayin’ that you don’t gotta worry so much. Your sister’s 12 already. She’ll be fine.”

“Yeah, but-“

“And technically, there would be no clear motive for him to do anything wrong because he’s getting paid,” Hoseok takes a fry for himself, “Why would he feel a need to get rid of his only source of income? That’d be ridiculous.”

You sigh, resting your head on the table in defeat. He was right. Even if Jungkook was a douchebag towards you, he wasn’t insane.

“Don’t do that!” Hoseok scolds, flicking your forehead, “Your menu was just on that table!”

“So?” You rub your forehead in a failed attempt to the pain Hoseok has just inflicted onto you.

“You know menus can have 185,000 germs per square centimeter?” He exasperatedly explains, pulling out some hand sanitizer from his backpack, “Or was it only 85,000…? No, I remember it being-“

“Wonder where you got that information,” You tease, wiggling your eyebrows while you cleanse yourself with Hoseok’s hand sanitizer. The tips of Hoseok’s ears turn red in seconds, and you laugh at his misfortune.

“You’re so lucky I love you,” He grumbles, hiding his face in his hands. You giggle, eating so many of Hoseok fries that he decides to order some more for you. That’s how your diner “dates” usually went, you only ordering a shake but then stealing all of Hoseok’s food.

“How’s that going, by the way?”

“He’s adorable, as always, but he’s really… How do I say this?” He pretends to search for the right words before deadpanning, “An absolute fucking idiot.”

“What?” The statement catches you off guard, and you almost choke on your shake.

“He’s so dumb, Y/N,” Hoseok hits his forehead with his palm, “So we’ve been hanging out a lot, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Then tell me why he can’t get the clue that I want him to actually ask me out?!” He groans, “Like, I’ve been trying to bring up prom, but he doesn’t get from the multiple times that I’ve said that I don’t have a date that I want him to ask me…”

Hoseok angrily chomps down on the last bit of his burger, while you’re still roaring in hysterics about how he finds Namjoon frustratingly adorable.

“I don’t get boys,” He pouts, “I really don’t. And I am one!”

“You can say that again,” You chuckle, sipping the rest of the shake in your glass.

The two of you catch up on everything you haven’t been able to share from weeks before, since school can provide only so much time for talking. When spending time with Hoseok, you realize how often you let the little things get to you. You tend to sweat the small stuff so much that you don’t realize all the good things happening to you. It was a nice albeit short break from reality, sitting with Hoseok in your favorite diner with your favorite strawberry shake and some greasy, delicious fries.

Eventually, you end up back at home at 10:30 PM. You come a little bit later than your assigned curfew, but it’s not like your parents would notice. They’d be home even later, since they’re stuck at your grandparents’ house. You snicker to yourself while you unlock the door, imagining the invigorating conversations they’re having over there.

The first thing you’re (begrudgingly) met with is Jungkook sitting on your couch, watching football.

“You’re home late,” He says, eyes glued to the screen. You kick off your shoes, letting them land wherever they want to, and you ignore him. You weren’t about to let anyone, not even Jungkook, ruin the fun night you had. It was too much for you to be constantly miserable.

Then, as if on cue, the smell of chocolate chip cookies wafts into your nose rather pleasantly.

“Did you guys bake?” You ask quietly, taking off your jacket. Jungkook nods.

You walk over to the garage door, where the coat closet is. Putting away your jacket, you smile to yourself. A cookie sounds amazing right now.

Grabbing some milk out of the fridge, you pour yourself a glass and take a second to really take in the beauty of the cookies. They’re perfectly browned at their edges, while their center is a light tan, and there’s a few visible chocolate chunks in all of them. Your mouth waters, despite stuffing yourself with milkshakes and fries. You place three cookies on a plate.

“I’ll be in my room,” You say as you walk up the stairs. You know Jungkook doesn’t care, but it’s been a force of habit ever since you were a kid.

When you reach your room, you quickly open the dormer window so you can sit on the roof.

If you were ever to meet the person who designed this house, you would give them a big hug and ask them to marry you, regardless of their gender. The dormer window and its alcove has been a safe space for you growing up, and you sit on the roof every time you need to clear your mind or if you just needed to treat yourself on an especially rough day.

You swing your legs outside the window, slowly moving near the edge of the sill until you’re comfortable. The brisk night air makes its way into your room, the wind pushing your hair gently in different directions. There’s a soft symphony of crickets chirping, and you take this moment to stare at the night sky.

A handful of stars shine in the pitch black sky, more than you’d see in the city but less than you’d see in the country. You make a silent prayer that one day that you’d be able to experience what a full starry night sky would be like.

Your plate of cookies and glass of milk is placed on the window seat. A cookie finds its way off of the plate, into your hands, and then into your mouth. The first bite is perfect, bits of chocolate and cookie crumbs left on your lips. You lick them eagerly, feeling nothing but euphoric as you take a sip of your milk.

“Never knew Tina could bake,” You hear a low voice behind you. It’s soft, but you still jump when you’re taken out of your cookie-intoxicated trance.

Looking up, you see Jungkook at your door, walking over to you. Your face is stuffed with mashed up cookie bits and some milk, and usually you’d be embarrassed, but you’re too tired to care, nonchalantly wiping off your faint milk moustache with the sleeve of your sweater.

“She’s great at it.”

“I know,” He chuckles before pointing to the window cushion, “Mind if I…?”

“If I said that I did mind,” You move your plate and your glass to the side so Jungkook has space, “What would you do?”

“I’d sit down anyways,” He jokes, doing just as he says.

“No point in asking, then.”

An awkward silence befalls the two of you, but that’s how nights with the babysitter went, unnerving pauses constantly appearing as he tries to figure out what to say to annoy you.

In fact, you’ve created a game out of these situations. You try to guess what he’ll tell you this time. Right now, you’re betting that he’ll mention something about your peach fuzz, or that you’re a fattie for having cookies late at night. He’s called you thunder thighs before. You wouldn’t put him past calling you a fattie.

“She talks about you a lot, y’know.”

You’re initially taken aback, but the night is too calming, so now you’re pulling your legs close to your chest, a soft sigh escaping your lips. You have your back turned to him, sitting on the window sill while he’s on the window seat, but you can feel his eyes on you.

“Really?”

“Yeah,” You hear him sniffle, “Didn’t know that you liked the Power Rangers so much.”

“Are you kidding me?” You turn around to face him, “That was my childhood.”

“Mine too,” He smiles, one that’s different from his usual smirk, “Favorite ranger?”

“Trini, easily,” You point to the Yellow Ranger plushie laying on your bed, and he chuckles.

“I personally like Zordon the most.”

It’s not something you’d usually laugh at, but Jungkook ends up cracking up at his own joke and somewhere along the way, you find yourself giggling at it as well.

Another silence comes, and you finish the rest of your cookies and milk while he fidgets nervously with his hands. If Jungkook was trying to have a conversation with you right now, he was failing miserably. It’s somewhat interesting to you, seeing him open his mouth to speak, hesitate, and then closing it out of the corner of your eye.

It’s kind of cute, even.

You blink, looking forward. What the hell were you thinking? Was the loneliness really getting to you that quickly?

“Tina made those for you, actually.”

“That’s sweet of her.”

“Yeah, um,” Jungkook scratches the nape of his neck, “She told me more about what happened earlier today.”

“Huh?”

“With your parents.”

“Oh.”

You imagine what Clementine must’ve thought, seeing your parents continue to yell at you for hours on end about your sleeping schedule. She hates seeing her family upset, and that probably made her sad for a while. You hope that she’s sleeping peacefully in her room right now, tucked away into a land of dreams.

“Yeah,” He mumbles, “I’m sorry about that.”

Involuntarily, you let out a scoff. Whether it’s directed towards him or your parents, you’re not sure. You are quite surprised, though. Since when did Jungkook ever apologize for anything? Since when did he ever feel bad?

“No need to be sorry,” You mumble, “Not like you did anything.”

Another silence, this time being accented with some awkward coughing.

“I mean, I think it’s sweet.”

“You think my parents getting on my back about sleep is sweet?”

“No, no, no,” He quickly sputters out, “I mean that your sister cares about you so much. I think that’s really sweet.”

“Oh, well, thanks,” You say, tugging the sleeves of your sweater over your hands, “That’s Clementine for ya. Sweet.”

“Like the fruit.”

“Yeah,” You chuckle, “Did you know her name means ‘mercy’?”

It’s a fact you like to share with anyone willing to hear.

“That’s really cool, actually.”

“Yeah, my mom chose that name because I was too mean when I was younger,” You shake your head at the memory, “She said that we’d need someone more forgiving in the family, so the name stuck.”

“I can imagine that.”

“Shut up!”

“Sorry, sorry,” He laughs, and there’s a beat of silence before he speaks again, “It’s nice, having dinner with you guys.”

“Dinner’s alright. Shockingly average,” You shrug, drawing out the last two words, “Why do you like it so much?”

“It’s nice to see you and Clementine together, I guess,” He runs a hand through his hair, “Things like that aren’t so simple for me.”

“What’s wrong with your home?” Your tone seems a lot more blunt and judgemental than you intended it to be, but Jungkook isn’t phased. He laughs at your question, even.

“Which one?”

You got the memo.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not a big deal. You’re not the reason why my parents split,” He says nonchalantly, but then he laughs at himself again, “You know, I have a little brother too. He’s a little bit younger than Tina.”

You turn around and stare at him, and you’re unable to hide the surprise in your face. The position of you constantly craning your neck just to talk to him is uncomfortable, so you sit on the other side of the alcove, pulling your legs to your chest once more.

“What’s his name?”

“Yeonjin.”

“Not trying to be mean, but I always thought you were an only child. You kinda give off the vibe,” You rest your chin on your knees, “How come he’s never with you?”

“I don’t blame you,” He says, “It’s ‘cause he tries to always be with our dad. He also hates my guts, so there’s that, too.”

“...Can I ask why?”

The warm glow of your bedroom light shines on one half of his face, while the dim lighting from outside paints his other half. You take in his appearance, how his hair has gotten messier every time he runs his hands through it, how his soft brown eyes are bouncing around your room, studying each poster and each picture that you have placed on your wall. He takes a sharp breath before speaking.

“I hate my dad,” He scratches his cheek, “Well, not really? I don’t know, it’s confusing.”

“I get that.”

“I caught him cheating on my mom, I think two years ago,” He bites his lip, “And y’know, I told my mom. So they split.”

You nod, listening intently to every word he says.

“Yeon doesn’t know that. I begged them not to tell him,” He says, resting his head on the wall and staring out the window, “So he thinks that I’m why they’re not together.”

It’s during that moment where you realize that you don’t know much about Jungkook outside of the classroom and your home. You try to imagine what he must’ve felt during that moment, seeing his own dad with another woman. Then, you think about what it was like for him to know that his brother still blames him and will continue to blame him for everything.

The conclusion you reach is that you can never truly know the pain that he’s going through.

“You know it’s not your fault, though, right?” You point out, “It’s your dad’s.”

“Yeah, can’t help but feel bad sometimes, y’know?”

“I mean, no shit.”

A few light, sad chuckles emit from both of your lips.

“Well, that was strangely freeing,” He hummed, “I think you’re the second person in our school who knows that now… I don’t really know why I shared that, sorry.”

You look at him. He’s still staring out the window, his Adam’s apple clearly defined since his head is leaning back. His black shirt stretches loosely over his skin, giving you a vague hint of the muscles underneath, and his sweatpants make him look… cuddly, almost. You don’t know why, but somehow he seems as if he’d be so comfortable to hug.

Even if he’s in basic clothing, he still seems to look good.

Your initial reaction to this thought is that it’s wrong, but you’re too tired to protest it. Instead, you’re focused on how shy Jungkook has gotten, how he avoids direct eye contact and slurs his words together, save for the occasional stutters in between his sentences.

“Don’t feel bad, that’s pretty heavy. You gotta let that shit out sometimes.”

“Yeah…” He says, more to himself rather than to you, “Can I, uh, ask you a question?”

“What’s up?”

“Why’d you and Jimin break up?” His eyes are on yours, and he’s immediately trying to take back his question, “I mean, you don’t have to tell me, cause that’s none of my business-“

“You’re good,” You chuckle, “He cheated on me.”

“Damn, I’m sorry, I never knew...” He frowns, “Y’know, everyone thought you were endgame.”

“Me too,” You replied, “But apparently not.”

It isn’t until you feel Jungkook’s hand on your face that you realize you’re crying. He gently wipes away the influx of tears falling from your eyes, not saying anything sarcastic or mean towards you. He’s just… there. Ready and willing to listen. He even shuts the window when he notices you shivering, a shocking contrast from his usual behavior towards you.

It’s the first time anyone other than Hoseok has asked you for the real story. The first time someone that’s not your best friend has actually taken the time to listen to the truth.

“You know that’s not your fault, either, right?”

He’s repeating your words, but for some reason they don’t sound so convincing to you.

“I dunno,” You sniffle, “Feels like it is.”

“Why would it be? He cheated on you. Not the other way around.”

You take a few moments to steady your breathing before you speak. You don’t know why you want to spill your emotions out to Jungkook, but under the moonlight and your bedroom lights, there’s a sense of security in opening up to him.

“This is gonna sound so fucking stupid,” You start, “And you better not tell anyone, or else I’m for sure gonna kill you right when I see you.”

“I promise, I won’t.”

“I’ve never… done it,” You cringe right when the words come out of your mouth, “I told Jimin that we should wait until we… y’know.”

“That’s perfectly fine,” He states, and you can’t help but be surprised at how understanding he could be.

“You don’t think it’s a little bit weird?”

“Nah,” He replies, “I also think it’s absolutely not a reason to cheat. There’s literally no valid reason in doing that, no matter how unsatisfied you are with your partner.”

“I guess so.”

The fact that Jungkook is getting mad in your stead makes you giggle.

“And plus, it was you. How do you cheat on someone like that?”

“What do you mean?”

Jungkook pauses for a minute, processing what he had just said.

“I mean, if I was Jimin- No, I mean, if I was me,” He gestures to himself, “Which I am, I would never cheat on my partner. It just makes no sense. You already have a whole ass person who likes you. I think I’d be happy enough with that already.”

“Yeah, you’d think so,” You add, and now it’s you taking a few moments before speaking again, “Um, thanks, by the way. For talking with me, and stuff.”

“Oh, no worries,” He smiles at you, “Just kinda wanted to see how you were doing because of earlier. You did look pretty upset before you left the house.”

You smile back, and it seems like he’s about to say something, but the sound of the garage interrupts him, signalling that it’s time for him to leave. He stands up from the alcove and grabs your empty plate and cup to bring downstairs.

“Hey, I’ll see you at school tomorrow, right?”

You both know the answer to the question but Jungkook asks it anyway.

“Yeah, of course,” You can’t seem to wipe off the grin present on your face, “There’s nowhere else I could be.”

If you had to go back in time and tell yourself that eventually Jungkook would start driving you home after school and that you’d actually enjoy his company, you’re certain that your past self you’d slap your future self in the face and say that you were insane.

And maybe the latter was true.

“You’re terrible at singing,” He snickers, trying his best to keep his eyes on the road.

You’d retort and say that he doesn’t know shit and you’re actually an amazing singer, but you’re too preoccupied screaming One Direction lyrics off the top of your lungs. You decide to just jokingly flip him off instead.

The band’s songs hold a close place in your heart, because their music was what brought you and your sister closer. Although you’ve somewhat grown out of their cheesy lyrics about love and youth, you had to admit that their music was extremely catchy.

And apparently Jungkook thought this as well, because he was quietly singing along to each song word for word.

“Didn’t know you were a fan,” You tease, and he’s caught off guard.

“I’m not…”

“I bet you cried when Zayn left.”

He doesn’t look at you, because he’s driving, but the tips of his ears turn bright red, and you roar in hysterics at his reaction.

“You know I very well could’ve just left you at school,” He’s got a smile on his face despite his harsh words.

“Oh, you’d never,” You reply, staring out the window and enjoying the basic scenery around you.

After the one night where Jungkook and you dumped all your emotional baggage on each other, you found yourself looking forward to him being in your company from now on.

At first, you only decided to be nice to him since he knew the fact that you were with Park Jimin—that bombshell of a boy—and you never got it on with him. It’s not something you’re ashamed of, but you know you’d hate it if anyone else knew, because the rumor that you were crazy would just then become truer and truer to them. So you became nicer, gentler with Jungkook. Plus, hearing his story made your heart sadden a little whenever you saw how excited he was to be with Clementine.

And somewhere along the way, between him walking you to your classes and buying a Poptart pack and saving one for you after school every day, you realized that maybe he wasn’t such a bad kid to be around. He seemed to like being with you a lot too, always offering to drive you home when you had practice and when you didn’t, he’d offer to get fast food with you before going home.

Maybe it was the solidarity of experiencing pain, or it very well could just be that you’re one of the only people who knows Jungkook’s secrets and he’s one of the only people who knows about yours. Maybe there’s some pity for each other present, or it’s simply just because the both of you are tired of constantly bickering whenever you’re within a 20 foot-wide radius of each other.

You could spend countless hours trying to draw a conclusion, and you’ve tried to, during the late nights where you can’t sleep where you’re tossing and turning around restlessly. But eventually, you end up falling asleep, always answerless to the paradox you’ve been trying to solve.

Whatever the answer was, you’ve stopped caring about it, because you deemed it useless to keep trying to find it.

“How’s the new routine going?” He asks, desperate to change the topic.

“It’s going, that’s for sure,” You chuckle, “I think we just need a little bit more practice and we’ll be good.”

One thing that you’ve learned about Jungkook after becoming his friend is that he loses his natural vulgarity when you know about his family history.

You noticed this when Hoseok came over to your house one night and Jungkook didn’t call you a demeaning pet name at all during the time being. He also never bothered the two of you, making some small talk with Hoseok before leaving to play Just Dance with your sister. (He bought her that game when he found out that you guys had a Nintendo Switch that you never use).

The first thing Hoseok said to you when the two of you went to your room and you closed the door was:

“Where the hell is Jungkook and what the fuck did you do to him?”

It was a comical night, Hoseok freaking out over the wonderful, ever elusive mysteries named Kim Namjoon and Jeon Jungkook.

Another thing you (and Hoseok) had learned about Jungkook is that, surprisingly enough, his best friend was the Kim Namjoon himself.

This happened that same night, when Jungkook knocked on the door and accidentally overheard Hoseok say his name. Jungkook’s initial reaction was:

“It’s you?!” He almost shrieked in disbelief, “You’re the one Joon has a crush on?!”

His words, of course, came with a shrill: “He has a crush on me?!” from Hoseok.

Through this rude awakening, Hoseok and you learned that Namjoon was the only friend Jungkook had. Apparently, he started tutoring Jungkook when Jungkook was about to fail freshman year. Jungkook said that Namjoon was the only reason as to why he survived his first year of high school, and because of that he never left Namjoon alone. Eventually, they had strangely become the best of buddies.

And being the best of buddies meant that he knew Namjoon’s secrets.

(Safe to say, it was a rough night for both Hoseok and Jungkook but a fun one for you.)

“How’s Seok and Joon?” Jungkook asks, out of the blue, and you can tell the question has been on his mind.

“Hobi’s waiting for Namjoon to make a move.”

“Ha, that’s funny.”

“What?”

“Namjoon’s waiting for him to.”

“You’re kidding me.”

“I honestly wish I was,” He chuckles, driving into your subdivision.

“It’s amazing how glaringly obvious the two of them are,” You sigh, “Hoseok made bracelets for him. Tell me that that doesn’t scream: ‘Oh hey, by the way, I like you!’”

“Yeah, Joon has so many pics of him on his Insta, you’d think they’d be dating by now…”

“They’re really, really oblivious.”

“Well,” He shrugs, taking a turn into your driveway, “It happens to the best of us.”

Jungkook walks out of the car, heads over to your door, and as usual he helps you out while reaching for your backpack and your cheer bag so he can carry them for you.

Clementine’s sitting in the kitchen, working diligently on her math homework.

“Tina!” Jungkook sings, setting down your bag on the couch. You walk over with him to her, and she has a bright smile on her face when she sees the two of you together.

“Hi!” She responds, “I’ve got something to tell you guys!”

“What is it?” You ask, sitting next to her and taking a peek at her worksheet. It’s something about fractions.

“I think I have a crush!”

“Holy-“ You stop yourself before you can say anything bad, “Uh, wow, Clem!”

“Yeah, wow…”

You and Jungkook look at each other with somewhat sad eyes. He may not have known her for as long as you have, but he feels the same, strange dull pain that you’re feeling in your chest.

Your little sister isn’t so little anymore.

Tonight was going to be a long one.

Late night conversations with Jungkook at your dormer window have become a regular thing.

It’s the moments where fatigue starts to really hit the two of you that you have the most fun with him. There’s no shame in what you say, and no judgement stemming from one another. During then, it’s just you, Jungkook, the occasional plate of pizza and snacks, and the moon.

“I can’t believe she has a crush already,” You muse, a hint of melancholy in your tone.

“She’s 12, Y/N.”

“That’s still too young, don’t you think?”

“How old were you when you had one?”

“I think,” You pause, sorting out your vague childhood memories, “In Kindergarten, maybe?”

“My point exactly.”

You curse under your breath as you’re obviously defeated. You hate when logic is used against you. Jungkook just laughs, performing his usual habit of rubbing his nose and jerking his head so his hair can stay out of his eyes. Both of you are leaning on either side of the alcove and the window is slightly open so that you can hear the regular music of crickets outside. A light gush of wind blows through, gently shifting around random strands of your hair.

Jungkook’s yet again scrolling through his phone, looking at funny memes on Instagram and sending them to the group chat titled: “Namjoon’s Angels” that he so cleverly named. Your phone buzzes multiple times, and when you turn it on, 4 notifications from the said group chat appear on your screen. They’re all from him. You look at the boy in front of you and he’s got a delighted smile on, eyes crinkled up into crescent moons while he’s so focused on whatever’s on his phone.

“We’re in the same room, Kook,” You say, showing your screen to him, and Jungkook’s a bit surprised at the nickname, but he quickly shoots you a fake glare before going back to his own phone.

“Those aren’t just for you, princess,” He retorts, tapping away on his screen, “Those are for Joon and Hoseok too.”

Your phone buzzes once more, and this time it’s a notification from just Jungkook.

[November 15, 10:40  PM] jeon.jk on Instagram *Sent a post* [November 15, 10:40 PM] jeon.jk on Instagram This one’s for you! :)

Upon opening the chat, you’re met with an obscure picture of-

[November 15, 10:41] y/nnnn_ beans? jeon.jk Beans.

You send him a questioning look, and Jungkook squeakily laughs, almost out of breath by how funny he thinks the picture is.

jeon.jk Do you not like it? I think it’s rather nice.

The most surprising thing you’ve discovered about Jungkook is that he’s quite the articulate texter, which is a weird juxtaposition from his usual character. It’s certainly the strangest thing you’ve known about him.

y/nnnn_ it’s quite off putting jeon.jk :(

“I’m right in front of you,” You declare, turning off your phone and putting it on the cushion. Jungkook rolls his eyes, but nonetheless does the same.

“But that’s no fun.”

“You’re so weird, you know that?”

“I like to think I’m pleasant to be around.”

It’s your turn to roll your eyes. He sticks his tongue out at you before looking out the window.

“Are you going to the football game tomorrow night?”

“Kook.”

“What?”

“I’m on the cheer team…”

“Oh,” His lips form a small, tight circle and then spread into a sheepish smile once he connects the dots, “You’re right.”

“Always am.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” He starts, “Anyways, did you get invited to the party after?”

“At Taehyung’s?” You ask, and he nods, “I did, yeah.”

“You gonna go?”

You bite your lip, deep in thought over the question. Hoseok got invited too, and he was begging you to go because you hadn’t talked to Namjoon enough, save for whenever he asks you where Hoseok is after school.

While it would be a good idea to come along and really start to get to know your best friend’s crush, you could already tell that it wouldn’t slide with your parents.

“There’d be no one to babysit Clementine,” You reason, “I mean I’d love to, but yeah…”

Jungkook visibly deflates, so much so that he looks like a cartoon character. You suppress a laugh, an apology coming out instead so that you don’t make him feel any worse.

“No, I get it,” He sighs, shoulders slumped down, “It’s no worries then. We’ll still see each other after the game, then, right?”

“If you really want to, sure.”

“I want to.”

You smile at him, and Jungkook mirrors you, a toothy grin flashing your way.

Your favorite moments with your unconventional, newfound friend are during the late nights, because of times like this. Around you and around him, the world is soft and light. There’s a calming simplicity when you’re talking to Jungkook, and your chest constantly feels light and fluttery. His lame jokes become funnier, and your words towards him become kinder.

Even though it’s dark, the nights seem to shed light on who the two of you really are and how you two really feel about each other.

There’s no malice, no ill intentions towards each other either. You like being there with him. Time isn’t an obstacle, which is something you’ve always felt slipped out of your hands like fine sand. The world just comes to a standstill, both of you trying to talk as much as you can before your parents come home.

For you, time has been a nuisance. You lose sleep while you hunched over your desk, working on assignments because the night is the only freetime you have. Because of that (and so that you can peacefully talk to Jungkook whenever he babysits), you simply just do your homework in the morning. Your alone time is always cut short, since you’re swamped with cheer, homework, and family obligations.

You hated how time ran out.

After all, your time with Jimin had run out.

But when you’re sitting on the cushion in your alcove with Jungkook, you slowly but surely start to adjust to the ever changing world around you. Sure, you feel guilty about constantly dumping your emotional baggage to someone you’ve just become friends with after two years of having pure hatred for them, but time and time again he’s always reassured you, telling you that he really didn’t mind you venting to him.

It’s not like Jungkook was your only option, since you always had Hoseok to rant to. But seeing Hoseok happy made you happy, and you didn’t want to ruin it by being a complete pity party.

So yeah, maybe Jungkook was the only option you had. You didn’t really mind either, since Jungkook had his fair share of problems that he’d talk to you about. There was no point in feeling bad at all, actually. There was a fair exchange of listening and venting between both sides.

You did find having an issue to restrain yourself around him. Everytime he spoke about his brother, you just wanted to jump into his arms and tell him everything was going to be okay. Even more so when his voice cracked and slowly turned into silent whispers and warbled mumbles. Your heart always broke when he would start blinking more and more so that his tears wouldn't come out. Sometimes, when things really got rough, he’d let a few ones fall, but he always followed it up with forced laughter and a strained smile.

It always made you wonder if he was hiding anything else from you.

“Wait, Y/N,” He says, raising a pointer finger up, “You can go to the party!”

“What do you mean?”

“Did you forget?” He asks, seeing how confused you are, “I’m Tina’s babysitter.”

“I didn’t forget that…?”

“I’m gonna be at the game, cause, y’know, I’m, yeah,” He explains, “Your parents are gonna have to stay at home regardless.”

You stare at him blankly as it registers in your head that there’s nothing stopping you from going to Taehyung’s infamous house parties.

“You’re right,” You mumble, “Sorry, I must be tired.”

“When’d you sleep last night?”

“Yesterday?” You stare up at the ceiling while you try to remember the other night, “4… I think?”

Jungkook shakes his head at you, ashamed.

“What’d I say about sleeping late?” He wags a finger at you, “You’re gonna ruin yourself if you keep doing that.”

“Okay, thanks, mom,” You snicker.

He then changes the topic, now complaining about the very same paper that you stayed up late to work on. You added on to his ranting, speaking your own mind as well.

The conversation is stopped abruptly when you hear knocking. Jungkook and you turn from each other to see your parents standing at the doorway. Neither of you had even heard the garage opening, or your parents walking upstairs.  

They’ve got tired, but happy smiles on their faces, and it comforts you knowing that they’re starting to iron out whatever issues they're going through. Your mom waves at you two and you echo her movements.

“Ah, I gotta go, then.”

Jungkook swiftly gets up from the alcove, grabbing his jacket that was resting on your desk chair. He greets you goodbye and then does the same with your parents, your dad walking him to the door. When both of the boys leave, your mom joins you, replacing Jungkook’s spot. She smells of steak and has a faint scent of wine about her. The relaxed, blissful state she’s in tells you that she’s intoxicated right now.

“Glad you had a fun night out,” You say, a soft smile on your lips.

“I quite like Jungkook,” She seems to not have heard your words, “Don’t you?”

“He’s nice, yeah.”

“He reminds me of your dad.”

She’s definitely a lot more drunk than you thought she was.

“Let’s get you in bed, mom,” You chuckle, standing up and helping her, “I think that’s enough for today.”

When you take her to her room and she staggers over to sit in her bed, you say goodnight to her. She responds, and you know very well that she’s most likely going to fall asleep with her dress on. You decide that your dad could handle that.

After getting ready for bed and crawling under your covers, your mind starts to wander, fixated on the idea of Jungkook and your dad being similar.

You can’t find a single distinct comparison between the two of them, but then your mind travels to the topic of your parents when they were younger. When they weren’t dating and they just knew each other as neighbors. Were they nice to each other?

Was there ever a time where they hated each other?

In between the many questions traveling through your mind, you start to enter the deep limbo of being half asleep and half awake. This doesn’t stop your curiosity about your parents story, as you see the two of them in your dreams. A young version of your mom bickering with your dad.

Then, it suddenly flashes to you walking with Jungkook in the hallways of high school, talking and bickering like you usually do.

Despite being heavily sleep deprived, you actually have a good night’s rest for once.

It’s Friday, which meant one thing and one thing only. It’s game day.

And although you complain about how sore your muscles are after practice and how you hate staying after school for so long, but when you’re sitting on the track, listening to the shouts from the student section and watching the football get tossed back and forth between players, you can’t help but be excited for halftime. You even become immersed in the sport, intently watching the boys tackle their way through the field. Half of the time you’re not completely sure about what’s going on, but you definitely were having fun sitting with Hoseok and watching the football teams brawl for a simple leather ball.

You had to admit it. There really was something magical about football games.

It was the way the grass smelt of rain and sweat, the way you could hear nothing but excitement from the crowds of students in the student section, the way that everyone was donning the school’s signature colors of purple and gold. The energy tonight is explosive, and you relish in every single section of it.

Your teammates are focused on the game and on themselves, making sure they remember the routines you have been practicing for months. But you, on the other hand, have separated yourself from the group of girls standing on the track and talking to each other. Instead, your focus is stuck on Jungkook.

Watching him on the field is like magic.

You don’t mean to, but your eyes follow him as he rushes past the opposing team, pushing past everyone effortlessly. He knows exactly when to keep the ball clutched closely to his chest or when to throw it to his fellow teammate, and he defends himself against the opposition, turning his back against them in order to protect himself from their tackles. It’s all like clockwork, like Jungkook could predict the other team’s movements. Even though you’re far from him, you notice the way he scans the field, so much so that you can see the gears turning in his mind. He’s got a whole map of the field and the teams in his head, creating a strategy right on the fly. All to get a touchdown.

Jungkook may be the big-headed goofball who used to enjoy annoying you, but he was a completely different person on the field. He’s someone determined and clever, and he doesn’t show off or become cocky when he’s on the field. Instead, he looks out for his own teammates and becomes a real leader.

You see this when Kim Taehyung, one of the running backs, gets tackled and crashes straight onto the turf, his helmet thudding quite loudly. Before Jungkook grabs the ball in Taehyung’s hands, he gives a quick tap on the running back’s helmet as a simple way of telling him that he’s doing a good job. To tell him to not give up and to get back on his feet. It’s a barely visible gesture that no one in the crowd would notice. It’s basically insignificant to… anyone, really. But you feel your heart soften when you figure out what the gesture meant.

Then you sit up, slightly, because his eyes meet yours and suddenly all the air in your chest has decided to leave. The crease in his eyebrows disappears and he’s beaming at you.

What amazes you is that Jungkook still has the ball secure in his hands, shoving his way through the hordes of players like they’re nothing.

You wonder what it’d be like to see Jungkook running up close. It’s hard to see from this distance, but you can see how the sheen of sweat glosses his skin. There was no doubt that he was muscular and you knew that, because you saw him every single day, but tonight his body is even more defined. They flex as he moves, biceps bulging because he’s clutching onto the ball so tightly.

You’re unaware of the way your thoughts travel to Jungkook being sweaty and hot on the field. Somehow it makes you feel like you’re betraying everything you’ve stood for by thinking like this, but instead of creating an even greater inner conflict between yourself and your conscience, you give up and continue to spectate the game.

(If by the game, you mean Jungkook.)

It isn’t until you decide to give him a small wave that he stumbles. He passes the ball to Kim Seokjin, the receiver, and quickly gets up on his own feet before he can fall on the ground. The opposition’s focus is now moved onto Seokjin, and so is Jungkook’s.

Seokjin reaches the end of the field. He scores a touchdown, and the crowd goes wild. The roaring sounds like music to your ears and you stand up, cheering along with your friends to congratulate your team. You beam when you see Jungkook running alongside the receiver, genuine grins on the boys’ faces. You feel proud, but you’re not entirely sure about what.

“We’re gonna kill it soon, Y/N!” Hoseok grins, and you mirror him, a happy smile on your face as well. He’s also too focused on memorizing the steps in his head to notice that you’ve been drooling over your little sister’s babysitter.

“I mean, duh,” You dramatically flip your hair over your shoulder, making the both of you giggle.

People say that cheerleading is such an outdated sport, but you actually loved it with your entire heart. You’ve created many lasting friendships with the girls (and Hoseok, of course) on your team, and the cheer squad was the exact reason why you had a somewhat reputation at school. It was basically the only thing that kept you going during the 3 years of high school you’ve gone through, and you’re sure that it’ll be the only thing keeping you sane for the rest of your years at this hellhole of a school.

Well, that was a topic for another day.

Because before you can have another existential crisis about the fact that you’re already on your junior year of high school—you haven’t figured out exactly what you want to do with your life—and that time has really slipped you by, the timer on the big, chunky, outdated metal screen ticks down. A bold, orange “0:00” appears, signalling that it’s halftime. The football teams slow down and head back to their respective sides, getting ready to take a break while the cheerleading squad gets ready for action.

When all of the boys are seated at their benches, some of them guzzling water or simply just catching their breath, you, Hoseok, and the rest of the girls make your way onto the turf. The speaker announces your team, staticky voice emitting from the speakers and filling the air.

It’s go time.

You all huddle in a circle, hyping yourselves up with team chants. It’s invigorating, being with all of your friends, getting ready to present the routine you had been trying to perfect for the past few months. You step into the circle, and the girls lift you up, throwing you up in the air. As you’re thrown, you let the force move you, your body twirling around. You land gracefully back into their arms, and the crowd goes wild once again.

The cheerleaders grab their pom poms that are lying on the turf and they get into position. Everyone places their hands on their hips, smiles forming on all of your faces as the crowd simmers down to get ready for the show. A beat starts from the drum line, and you all wave your pom poms in the air, the tinsel-like material sounding almost like rain as they swivel in circular motions. You scan the crowds, looking at all the different students sitting together.

Then your eyes meet, and your face falters.

Park Jimin is sitting in the bleachers, beaming at the Sophomore on the cheer team. You’re rudely reminded of her sitting on his lap in the back of his car, and your eyes become hazy as you try to save face.

“Don’t pay attention to him,” Hoseok whispers, “He’s not worth it.”

You nod, averting your focus from Jimin. This was the final football game of the season. You had to make the most of it, and you weren’t going to let him get in the way of it.

The cheer captain starts with a “5, 6, 7, 8,” and the rest of you follow her chants.

The routine starts with a high kick and a right punch up, followed with another high kick and then a strict order of arm positions along with a few more kicks that you all execute with style. Some of the girls move to the front, doing backflips to entertain the crowd. The flyers, bases, and spotters, get ready for extensions while the girls in the front keep the student section preoccupied.

Hoseok is assigned as one of your bases, and two other girls—a base and a back spotter—get into formation along with him. They lift you up carefully, steadying you right away as you're raised up. The other flyers are lifted up, too, and you sigh in relief knowing that everyone did their extensions easily. You flash bright smiles to the crowd and they all scream, cheering you on as well. Your combined shouts add even more energy to what was already an electric game.

The cheer is something cheesy about having more spirit than the other team, and the words are really cringy at points, but you don’t care. You’d shout them to the ends of the earth for all you cared. What mattered was the way the student section responded with almost double the enthusiasm. Kids are hollering, practically jumping out of their seats and yelling as they repeat the school’s signature lyrics. There’s nothing but pure excitement for the game, the football team, and the cheerleaders.

You’re lowered down for a few minutes by the bases only to be thrown up quickly. Keeping your stomach tight and your arms stiff, you fall back into the arms of the cheerleaders underneath you. It’s a perfect execution of a cradle, and you’re practically glowing with pride for your team. It’s obvious that the coaches would praise you all at the next practice. The crowd goes crazy for your team as well. Once you’re placed on the ground, it’s your turn to perform flips and high kicks, and you carry out the rest of the routine effortlessly.

Staring at the crowd, you take in how everyone is smiling at you and your team, impressed at the stunts you all pulled off in such a small time frame. Their eyes are shimmering with pride and you’re certain that their throats have gone raw from all their hoots and hollers. The night sky is painted black, but the atmosphere you’re in is far from dull. The crowds are colored purple and gold, matching your uniform and the football players’ uniforms. There are kids from different cliques, but they’re all sitting together and cheering, showing the solidarity a school could have.

You hold on to the moment for as long as you can, your chest heaving up and down as you pose confidently when the routine is done. Hoseok looks at you with immense pride and you do the same, both of you practically radiating out there on the field.

Eventually, halftime is over and you’re back to sitting on the track. You’re sweaty, but you don’t care. You know you did amazing and that was worth it.

A wave of uneasiness hits your chest when you see the sophomore rush over to her backpack to check her phone. She grins at her screen before running over to your coach, using some lame excuse so she can leave. After that, she rushes out, and you see Jimin following suit.

You plan to see what they’re doing, but Hoseok grabs your wrist, already knowing what you were going to do.

“Y/N,” His voice is stern, “I love you. Don’t.”

“But-“

“It’s not a good idea. You know that.”

“Yeah, I do.”

Some of your nerves fade away when Hoseok demands that you’ll get pictures with him, even if both of you are drenched in sweat. He reasons that it’s because you rarely have any pictures with him. But isn’t that the sign of true friendship? Not being able to have pictures because you’re either having too much fun together or the both of you look so ugly you can’t even bear to have a photo taken? You use that reasoning with Hoseok and he simply pinches your cheek, telling you that you’re insufferable and forcing one of your teammates to take your pictures.

When the game is almost done, the sophomore is nowhere to be seen.

You see your coach asking around the other girls, but they all respond with a shrug. Hoseok keeps you distracted by talking about the new friend group you’ve created with him, Namjoon, and Jungkook. Then, he starts to talk about Namjoon and the latest “date but not date” that they had last weekend. You realize you’ve never wanted to talk about Namjoon more than ever before.

While he’s gushing, you look at the photos you’ve taken with your best friend. A satisfied smile finds its way on your face when you see that they ended up a million times better than you thought it would. Hoseok also admires them while you swipe through the many new pictures in your camera roll.

“Told you it’d end up good.”

“Oh, whatever.”

You decide that you’d post your favorite ones, since you haven’t put anything new on your Instagram.

You tap on the app, planning to create a draft to post tomorrow. To your surprise, though, a new post from Jimin appears on your timeline. It’s a picture of the girl in his car. She has a bright smile on her face, her cheeks tinted a rosy pink.

Under the picture there’s a blue heart.

You’re reminded of all of the posts he had of you that had the exact same caption. You frown. Blue was your favorite color.

You go to his page, and all of your photos from before are gone. You’re frozen in your spot. Your mouth feels incredibly dry and a hard, rough lump forms in your throat. Your eyes start to sting, and the pain you thought you’ve forgotten about has come back twice as strong.

Hoseok notices this and you hand him his phone.

“Y/N… I’m so sorry.”

“I’m gonna,” You wipe your eyes and fan away the moisture so you don’t mess up your mascara, “I’m gonna go home after this.”

“Do whatever you need to,” He says, patting your head so you can rest your head on his shoulder, “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

You text your parents, asking them to drive you home.

The game is slow, dull, and boring, but after such an excruciatingly long wait, it finally ends. Once it’s over, you’re immediately walking out and making your way to your parents car. You ignore all of the students around you, pushing your way through them.

You also ignore Jungkook, who’s been running after you right when the game ends but loses you in the crowd.

When you come home, the car ride with your mom consisting of you breaking down and your mom comforting you, your mom quickly takes you to the bathroom, drawing a warm bath for you. She closes the door so neither Clementine or your dad can see the state you’re in, and she drops in a few drops of lavender into the steamy water. You hastily take off your uniform and your makeup, wanting nothing more than to get in the tub.

Shutting your eyes, you allow yourself to feel the warm water soaking your skin. The oil she added to the bath creates a pleasant scent to the steam, and your lips curve upward when you get a whiff of it. You rest your head against the edge of the porcelain surface, eyes getting hazy as the scent of lavender drowns out your senses. Your mother puts her hands through your hair, massaging your head with shampoo.

If your mother was being this gentle, this nice to you, then this was really serious.

When she plants a loving kiss on your forehead, humming sweetly, you feel your lip quiver. You were tired. This was your breaking point. You couldn’t take it anymore. Warbled, shrill sobs escape from your lips and you’ve lost all notions of self control. Your mom holds you close to her, indifferent to the soap suds and water soaking her shirt.

“Sometimes change is necessary for growth,” She says as you cry everything out.

“It hurts,” Your words come in between gasps.

“I know, darling, I promise you that you’ll find someone who truly deserves your love.”

“...Really?”

“Yes, and, you know, I already know one person who deserves it.”

“Who?”

“You.”

You hang onto every word she says, hoping that they’re actually true.

[November 16, 9:35 PM] Jungkook Hey, is everything okay? I tried talking to you after the game but I couldn’t find you Why is that? You don’t have to tell me, just wanted to know if you were okay I’ll tell Joon you say hi later tonight. He was really excited to hang out with you Sorry, I must be spamming your phone Anyways, just wanna say you did great tonight

Read at: 10:01 PM

[November 19, 4:02] Jungkook You didn’t show up to school today I think this is actually the first time you’ve skipped school Let me know if you need the homework or anything Read at: 4:10

You tap out of the conversation and put your phone face down on your nightstand. Tossing around in the bed, the sheets are uncomfortably hot around your sweaty skin. Your room is humid, since you’ve been doing nothing but lay in your bed for the past 3 days. Your eyelids slowly droop downward while you attempt to remove yourself from the throbbing pain in your head.

A slow, soft creak emits from your door. You open your eyes to see your sister, holding a tray with a cup of water and a grilled cheese sandwich. She still has her school clothes on.

“We ran out of soup,” She says, walking over to you.

You give her a weak smile, shifting over so she can sit next to you.

“Thank you, Clem.”

She sits up straight, expectantly watching you eat. She waits for your reaction, and your lips curve up naturally while you chew, she lets out the breath she’s unconsciously been holding in.

“Are you… doing okay?”

“I’ll be alright,” You nod, and then you roll up the sleeve of your hoodie to flex your bare arm, “Your sister’s strong.”

Clementine giggles and she leans back, resting her head on your shoulder. Her hair tickles your skin, but you don’t care. The grilled cheese in your mouth tastes absolutely amazing—most likely because you haven’t eaten anything since a bowl of soup yesterday.

“I never…” She starts, but then stops. You reassure her that she can tell you whatever she wants, and with a deep breath, she continues, “I never really… liked him.”

“Hm?”

“Jimin. I never liked him,” Her words lower into a nervous whisper. You wonder how long she’s been holding it in. She looks up at you once more, “Sometimes I could hear when you guys talked on the phone.”

Your initial response is to be angry, but there’s no point to. It wasn’t her fault that your rooms were so close to each other. Clementine scoots down so that she can rest her head on your chest, and you wrap your arms around her.

“He was kinda mean,” She sighs, “And I didn’t like how he talked to you.”

You nod. There was a truth in her words. You imagine what she thought hearing you cry behind a closed door, hearing you freak out because Jimin would end the call on you randomly when you mentioned Hoseok. Thinking back on it, Jimin was quite possessive when the two of you were together. Quite ironic.

“He’s like Gaston.”

“Gaston?”

“Yeah, full of himself,” She spits bitterly, and it’s the first time you’ve ever seen your sister speak negatively towards someone, “Only likes you ‘cause you’re pretty. Gets mad if you don’t give him something when he’s nice to you.”

Despite her dulled down description of Jimin, her words are a rude awakening for you. It’s as if you were roughly picked up and dropped into a cold, freezing bath, the frigid water creating an abrupt awareness of the reality of your past relationship. The reality was that Jimin was terrible to you, and no matter how many times you tried to label it nicely, tried to dumb it down so you yourself could swallow it easily, the truth is that whatever the two of you had wasn’t love.

It hits you that you really don’t know anything about love.

“You deserve someone better than Jimin.”

“You can say that again,” You chuckle, but Clementine cranes her neck and looks at you with burning eyes.

“No, I mean it,” She huffs, “He was terrible-“

“I know, I know, Clem,” You give her a light, reassuring smile, “But we’ll figure that out later, ‘kay? Right now it’s just you and me.”

“Yeah,” She relaxes, resting on you again, “I’d like that.”

You pinch her cheek before speaking again.

“So, you wanna tell me more about the new guy?”

She hides herself in your embrace instantly. Her new crush, Lucas, seemed quite nice from what she tells you.

The rest of your day is spent with Clementine over board games, movies, and cookies, and from how she eagerly spills out everything to you, you realize just how much she’s held from you, afraid to bother you since you “had a lot on her plate”. You secretly promise her that you’d be there for her more, that you’d forever be a shoulder to cry on for her from now on.

It’s almost funny, how a breakup forced you into having a better relationship with your sister.

When the night falls and you’re in Clementine’s room with her, ready to say goodnight, she musters enough courage to say something else to you.

“I like Jungkook.”

“I know, so does everyone,” You reply, suddenly remembering the multiple text messages from him that you’ve ignored.

Would he be upset with you? You decide that you’ll deal with that later.

“I like the way he looks at you.”

“What do you mean?” You questioningly state, taking the covers and putting it over her body. Even though she’s already 12, you don’t think you’ll ever stop tucking her in. She doesn’t object, either, eagerly accepting your advances and pulling the covers over so only her head pops out.

“He kinda,” She yawns, “He looks at you different.”

“Different?” You chuckle lightly, reaching out to turn off her lamp.

“Yeah,” She slowly closes her eyes, “Like how Dad looks at Mom.”

You freeze in place at her words, but then you quickly shake it off. She was most likely dreaming.

“You must be tired, Clem,” You mumble, “You should sleep.”

“Yeah, I should.”

You leave Clementine so she can sleep peacefully. With the absence of her around you comes the presence of an underlying issue that you never noticed was in your life.

When did Jungkook ever come into the equation?

Returning to your habit of tossing and turning around uncomfortably in your own bed, your mind tackles the notion of what your true feelings are for Jungkook.

Was he a bad person? Certainly not, from what you’ve learned. Were you guys friends? Yes, you were, obviously, from all the conversations you’ve had at your window.

Staring at said window, you imagine Jungkook sitting there, with his wide grin and his tousled, chestnut hair. You can almost smell the scent of his laundry detergent on your nose. His laugh rings in your ears, soft, breathy chuckles sounding almost like a melody to you. You think of all the times he’s walked you to your classes, dropping you off to your room before rushing on over to his own class that was on the other side of the building. He’s never told you, but you know that he’s always late to class because of you. This revealed itself because you’d see Jungkook hastily walking over to the attendance office to get tardy slips for his teacher.

You chuckle at the thought. It never registered in his head that the office was in the hallway of your 6th hour, so whenever he gets a slip you’ll see him pass by your doorway.

An image of Jungkook with Clementine flashes in your mind when you close your eyes. You see him dancing goofily with her to some Spanish song you’re not familiar with, all so that Clementine will be comfortable dancing around him. You take in how he smiles at her, how he looks at her so happily, and how he’s so eager to embarrass himself because he just likes seeing her laugh.

Then, when you close your eyes, you see Jungkook looking at you. His eyes are soft, and there’s something there you can’t really describe. It makes you feel safe, makes you feel like you can put your guard down around him. You notice that whenever your eyes meet his, there’s a bright, warm smile on his face.

A light, fluttery feeling hits your chest, but it’s far too faint for it to be significant, you think. You brush it off as something trivial. Jungkook was your friend, and that was that.

He was nothing more and nothing less, thank you very much.

[November 20, 12:30 AM] Y/N sorry for not texting back haven’t been feeling well i’ll be back tmrw, tho you got time to talk after school tmrw? we could get burgers or something [November 20, 12:31 AM] Jungkook Of course, yeah It’s no worries btw, Y/N Just wanna know you’re okay. I’m driving you I’m guessing? Y/N yeah there’s no one else who will, lol

Going back to school is a little rough, and although you only missed one day, you were already toppled with absent work and new lessons that you had to teach yourself.

But every worry seemed to disappear when you finally got to the diner with Jungkook. During this, you explain everything to him, stuffing your mouth with the fries that you loved so much. Jungkook listens to every single word you say, gnawing down on his bowl of mac n’ cheese.

“That’s so shitty of him.”

You can sense the anger in his tone.

“Yeah, I don’t know,” You shrug, pulling your strawberry smoothie close to you so you can take a sip, “Not my place anymore.”

Jungkook redacts what he was about to say, only nodding as to make sure he doesn’t speak over you.

“Sorry about not responding,” You mumble, and he shakes his head profusely.

“No, no, I get it,” He smiles fondly at you, “Don’t be sorry. I’m here for you, okay?”

It amazes you how understanding he can be. Seems like just yesterday he was chewing gum obnoxiously in your ears, blowing bubbles and popping them in hopes that the sound would destroy your eardrums.

Jungkook fills you in on what you had missed yesterday, already offering to help you if you need any help. The two of you spend the time at the diner talking about anything and everything, and things somewhat feel normal for once.

You wish that everything could stay just like this in the diner, where Jungkook is sitting in front of you, cracking lame jokes left and right and you’re laughing so hard that you can’t even be bothered to breathe anymore.

A few weeks pass, and you’ve slowly started to adjust to the “new normal” of your life. But this was only because you had such amazing friends to help you out whenever you saw Jimin with his new girlfriend. Hoseok has been there for you and always will be, Jungkook constantly has new jokes up his sleeve that he’s constantly waiting to use, and even though you’re not that close with Namjoon just yet, you’ve learned just how kindhearted he is.

This is because when you told him the whole story of you and Jimin, he started sending you pretty flowers every single day. Those were Namjoon’s “cheer up” texts that gave you a soft comfort when you received them.

Slowly but surely, your regular diner dates with Hoseok have turned into full on hangouts with the other two boys. Jungkook would drive you, while Namjoon would take Hoseok. Usually, though, your hangouts would consist of you and Jungkook losing your appetites over how sweet Namjoon and Hoseok are to each other. There wasn’t one time where Jungkook wouldn’t roll his eyes to you when Namjoon would compliment Hoseok’s hair, and you’ve lost track of how many times you’ve lost it over Hoseok pinching Namjoon’s cheek whenever he teases him.

It’s still a complete shocker to the both of you that they’re only friends.

But you honestly wouldn’t change your new friend group for the world. Albeit sort of dysfunctional and unconventional, you all worked together nicely.

Things slowly came together piece by piece, and you felt that maybe your life would continue on peacefully, just how you wanted it to.

However, today is different.

After school, Hoseok asks you if the two of you can hang out one on one, just like before, and of course you agree, because you had to admit that you did miss spending time with just him. So you expect it to be a fun filled Friday afternoon with Hoseok. Maybe you’d hear him rant about Namjoon being clueless for the umpteenth time without ever acknowledging how oblivious he is himself.

What you expect, however, is very different from your reality, because when Hoseok and you walk out of the school building and into the parking lot, you’re met with a pretty sizable crowd. There’s kids, mostly boys, pointing their cameras and you hear multiple shouts and cheers from the crowds.

You’re about to stealthily dodge the crowd and head over to Hoseok’s car, but then a gap forms in between a few students and your jaw hits the ground.

“Fuck you,” Jungkook spits, his familiar voice confirming your suspicions.

The other boys spur him on, yelling out incoherent words that you can’t decipher. You grab Hoseok by the wrist and pull him over to the crowd.

Getting a closer look at the scene, you and Hoseok give each other a scared, concerned glance. Jungkook has Jimin on the pavement, landing multiple brutal punches across his face. Jimin, whose eyes have turned hazy, has blood coming out of his nose, and if Jungkook lands one last punch, Jimin is bound to have a broken nose (if he already didn’t).

It’s a good thing, though, that the principal suddenly appears, pushing past everyone and splitting the two boys up. Jungkook and Jimin are both sitting up now, tattered and beaten down. Jungkook wipes away the blood on his mouth, while Jimin tries to catch his breath, his chest heaving up and down heavily. His face is screwed up in agony and you wince upon seeing the newly formed black eye that he’s sporting.

Jungkook doesn’t look any better either. He’s got bruises all over him, and a handful of deep cuts and scrapes from falling on the ground. He has blood on his sweatshirt, and you can’t tell if it’s his or Jimin’s.

The crowd disperses, students not wanting to get involved with the authorities. You and Hoseok stay, however, because Namjoon appears out of nowhere, his arms crossed and a tired look on his face while he assesses the damage. The principal pulls them away by their collars in order to create distance from the three of you standing there. Once there’s a reasonable space between all of you, he begins to mouth them off.

“He made jokes about it but I never thought it’d happen,” He sighs, rubbing his temples, “I got the principle once I saw what was going on. I was too late.”

“What’s gonna happen?” You ask, voice coming out in a weak whisper.

“They’ll both be expelled for a little bit,” Namjoon strokes his chin.

“Expelled?” Hoseok gasps in disbelief, “Don’t you mean suspended?” 

“The fight’s on school grounds, and they were both deliberately violent,” Namjoon explains, “If Jungkook had only made a threat to do it, then he’d be suspended. Expulsions last much longer than suspensions, based on what the principal will think is a fit punishment for the kids.”

Leave it to Kim Namjoon to know the school’s rulebook like the back of his hand.

“What’ll happen with sports?”

“Now that, I’m also not entirely sure,” Namjoon answers, and you can see the gears turning in his head, “Let’s hope the coaches will even be willing to talk to them.”

Jungkook makes eye contact with you and although he’s tired, he seems to have sobered up. You stare at him with shocked, disappointed eyes, and he looks down at his feet, like a dog who just got scolded by his owner. He rubs his nose, taking a deep breath and choosing to just listen to what the principal has to say.

What could have possibly compelled Jungkook to beat Jimin into a pulp?

The next night you see Jungkook at your door, the bruises and cuts on his skin somewhat faint, but still apparent.

“Um, hi,” His eyes bounce around from you then to the ground, “Listen, Y/N, I-“

“What the hell is wrong with you?” You hiss at him, coming out of the house and closing the door behind you.

“What?”

“Don’t you realize what you did yesterday?” You say, “Because of that you got fucking expelled!”

“That’s what I was here to talk about,” He explains.

“There was literally no reason for you to do that, Kook.”

“Y/N, if you were there, you’d understand.”

“No, Jungkook, no,” You shake your head, “I get it, Jimin’s an asshole. That doesn’t mean you need to beat him up for it!”

“Y/N,” He sighs, visibly irritated, “If you would just let me tell you why-“

“There’s no point, Jungkook!” You throw your hands up in the air while you yell at him, “You’re expelled! Do you even know if you can play football anymore?”

He bites his tongue, giving you a perfect answer.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Y/N,” He grabs your wrists, forcing you to look at him, “If you had just heard the things he said about you, you’d get it. Please, I just wanted to talk to you and apologize. Please don’t be mad at me. I didn’t mean to.”

He’s pitiful before you and you feel your anger rise.

“Y/N, he said such shitty things about you.”

“I don’t give a shit!” You retort, pulling away from him,  “I don’t need you beating up people for me, Jungkook. Do you really think I’m that weak?”

His eyes widen and he’s at a loss for words.

“No, Y/N, I never said that,” He reasons, “I just didn’t want him to talk about you like that anymore. You guys aren’t even together anymore. I was fed up.”

“Don’t you think there’s other ways you could handle that? Maybe you could, I don’t know, ignore it?”

“Y/N, please,” He pleads, exasperated, “I know this sounds stupid, but I really couldn’t handle it. I’m sorry, I just-“

“Do you really think I’m that helpless?” You scoff, “That I can’t handle when someone speaks of me badly? That you have to do everything for me?”

“No-“

“There’s something wrong with you.”

“I know,” He mumbles, “I couldn’t control my anger.”

“Yeah, that’s apparent,” You deadpan, crossing your arms, “I don’t need you to fight my fights for me, Jungkook. That’s not how it works.”

“I know.”

“No, you don’t,” You spit, “If you had known that, then you wouldn’t have done anything.”

It’s an awkward position to be in, fighting with Jungkook at your front porch in the middle of a cold, December night, but you’re too heated to care. You ignore how you can see your breath come out in a light fog whenever you speak.

There’s a thin covering of snow everywhere, and you’re glad that you consistently wear a hoodie and sweatpants as pajamas in both summer and winter. Some snowflakes are resting on Jungkook’s head, leaving delicate white, sparkling dots in his hair. Matched with his red nose and red ears, you’d almost say he was adorable if you weren’t cussing him out right now.

“Why would you even think that was okay? Why would you do that?”

“Y/N… I…” He sputters out, “I just…”

“You just what? You think I’m so weak that I can’t handle my own problems?” You roll your eyes, “You’re unbelievable, Jungkook. You really think that I’m that weak?”

“No.”

“Then what is it?”

“You don’t get it do you?” He scoffs.

“What do you mean?”

“I did it because I couldn’t stand to hear him talking shit about you.”

“Why couldn’t you? It’s not your issue. It’s mine, and quite frankly-“

“It’s because I’m in love with you, Y/N!” He yells out, then coughs once his confession registers in his head, “I couldn’t… I didn’t want to hear him anymore.”

HIs words make your breath catch in your throat. Your heart stops, and Jungkook stares up at you nervously. You step away from, shaking your head profusely.

“No, you’re not,” You breathe out, “You’re really not.”

“I know it’s super wrong to say this now, I just,” He scratches the nape of his neck, “I guess I felt that I needed to tell you.”

“You barely even know me,” You say, and you can’t explain why tears well up in your eyes. You wipe them away, “Go home, Jungkook. It’s late.”

You’re about to go back into the house but Jungkook’s words make you stop dead in your tracks.

“I know that you’re ass at drawing,” He prompts, “You’re also shit at singing, but you do both anyways, because you think it’s fun.”

“Kook-“

“You say that you don’t do much in your freetime, but I know that you spend all of your time hanging out with Tina whenever you can, because you care about her that much,” He states, “I also know that you secretly really like Monopoly, even though you’re fuckin’ clueless on how to play it. Most of the time you go bankrupt, but even then you’re happy playing that. You’re the only person I know who’s like that.”

You’re speechless as Jungkook begins to list off specific details about you that even you don’t know.

“You always try to twirl your pencil in class, but every single time you get embarrassed when you drop it on your desk and everyone looks at you.”

“Jungkook, don’t do this,” You turn around, “Listen, you don’t know what it’d be like to be with me. You wouldn’t like it.”

“Who says that?”

“Me,” You say, “I’m still confused about everything. It’d be bad for both you and me. And plus, what if I’m not over Jimin? You wouldn’t want that. You wouldn’t like being with me.”

“Are you trying to convince me or yourself?”

“Huh?”

“Because I’m set, Y/N,” Jungkook declares, “From the moment I really got to know you, I figured that I wanted you for the rest of my life. And I’ll wait for you for as long as you need me to.”

“There’s no way you can be so sure.”

“I can feel it, Y/N,” His words are desperate as he tries to reason with you, “It’s different with you. I’m different when I’m with you. I’m happy.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I do know, Y/N!” He shouts, “I’ve spent so many nights trying to figure out why the fuck I think about you so much until I eventually realized it. I wouldn’t have told you if I wasn’t sure about my own feelings.”

“You’re wrong, Jungkook.”

“Can you stop?” He snaps, “Stop belittling my feelings. Stop acting like you know shit about love, because you don’t. Your only relationship was with an asshole who cheated on you and talks shit about you even though he’s with another girl.”

Jungkook’s right. He’s absolutely right. You’re reflected on it, too. But you can’t help but become enraged when the truth comes out of his mouth.

“I don’t know shit about love?” You laugh bitterly, “Yeah, I don’t. And Jimin was an asshole. But you don’t know anything about love either.”

“At least I know what I deserve and what you deserve,” He says, “If you could just give me a chance to show you-“

“Show me what love is?” You interrupt, “Jungkook, how can you? Your own brother doesn’t even love you!”

You struck a chord, and you see that right when the words come out of your mouth. It’s only during then that you realize that using facts in your arguments aren’t always the best thing. Jungkook gawks at you in disbelief, his mouth ajar.

“I.. Jungkook, I’m really sorry. Stuff like that isn’t your fault,” You open the door and step inside, “I think that just shows we’re not good together. You should go home. It’s late. Goodnight, Jungkook.”

After that night and once Jungkook is done with his (mercifully given) 10 day expulsion, he finds a way to avoid you at all costs at school, going as far as to even switch seats with someone in the one class you have together. Your supposed “long lasting” friend group had ultimately split up, you and Jungkook giving each other the cold shoulder while Hoseok and Namjoon tried to find a good balance of seeing each other and you guys at the same time.

Jungkook no longer drives you home, and there’s now an empty seat at the dinner table that looms heavily on your conscience. Clementine hasn’t said anything, reassuring you that she’s happy just being with you, but you know that she’s having a hard time dealing with the situation as well.

His name is omitted in your house, and no one in your family asks about him.

Well, until now.

Because when your mom sits with you on your bed, asking what really happened, you cry once more in her arms, the guilt finally pushing you past your breaking point again. You tell her everything, and she holds you close, hushing you while you cry.

“Why were you so upset with him?”

“I don’t… I don’t know,” You say as you think about it.

“Do you still have feelings for Jimin?”

You reevaluate your sentiments toward Jimin, and what used to be feelings of love and pain have simply withered away into disgust.

“No…? I don’t think so.”

“So what was the real reason?”

“I guess… I guess it’s because he was expelled and that means he could be off the team. He shouldn’t be risking that for me,” The words come out of your mouth almost involuntarily, as if they’ve been waiting to reveal themselves to you, “And the fact that he says that he’s in love with me when he hardly knows me… It was such a stupid fight and I feel terrible.”

You hide your face in your hands, thinking about what you’ve said to the poor boy.

“Are you in love with him?”

Something stirs in your heart, and it scares you.

“I can’t tell anymore.”

“Well, only you know what’s best for you, and you’ll figure it out. We’ll be here every step of the way,” Your mom assures you, “Can I just say one thing, though?”

You nod.

“When two people argue over something that’s considered stupid or trivial,” She starts, “That usually means they actually care about each other the most.”

[December 19, 8:09] Clem Y/N Can you come pick me up from Charlotte’s pls? I wanna go home Y/N why? is everything ok? Clem Please just pick me up I wanna go home I don’t like birthday parties anymore

“Hey, mom,” You rush over to her, showing her your phone. In an instant, you’re driving over to Clementine’s friend’s house. Once you reach the place, you knock on the door, and upon meeting the parents, you say that you need to pick up Clementine for an “urgent reason”.

It isn’t until she closes the car door and your mom starts driving that she breaks down in tears.

“What’s wrong?” You ask immediately, and once she regains her composure she responds.

“They made me,” She gasps, “They made me tell Lucas that I like him. H-He made fun of me and rejected me in front of everyone.”

You and your mom look at each other with sad, knowing eyes.

Looks like there’d be a warm bath and a lot of tough conversations for Clementine in the near future.

While you mope around and recharge your mental battery during heartbreak, it turns out that Clementine does the exact opposite. She overworks herself in order to distract herself from the fact that she’s devastated.

You take note of this when you come downstairs and you’re hit with the smell of chocolate chip cookies for the sixth time this week. They’re your favorite, but if Clementine bakes any more, you’re bound to get sick of them.

You ignore that and grab a cookie anyway, shoving it into your mouth with delight.

“Do you like it?” Clementine asks, nervous. You nod, and she beams at you.

For something as simple as chocolate chip cookies, Clementine sure does put a lot of pressure on herself to make them perfect.

“Seok’s coming over later tonight,” You attempt to make conversation while she’s already looking through her phone for a new recipe to try.

“Ah, really? That’s great! I miss him,” She smiles, “I actually, um, I have plans today too.”

“Really? With who?”

“Mom already knows,” She says rather quickly, “I’m going out with a friend to dinner.”

Despite your curiosity gnawing away at you, urging you to ask her who this friend is, you stay quiet. This was something she needed, and if your mom was okay with it, then things should be fine.

Leaving the kitchen, you go upstairs to take a nice, long shower.

“Y/N?” You hear Clementine’s muffled voice behind your door.

“It’s open.”

She steps in, and you stare at her in awe. She’s wearing a light blue, off-the-shoulder dress and from the looks of it, your mom has done her makeup beautifully. Her hair is curled, waves gently framing her face. She fidgets with the silver clutch purse in her hands shyly, while she feels your gaze on her.

“Do I, um,” She gulps, “Do I look okay?”

“You look beautiful.”

She gets even shier, sporting a soft smile on her face. While she looks amazing, she still is unsure of herself, standing awkwardly as she tries to get used to wearing such nice clothes. You feel a touch of pain that comes along with the swell of pride in your chest when you see how beautiful your sister is. It’s such a shame, seeing how fast time flies.

“Do you know which shoes would look good with this?” She asks, “I don’t think my sneakers aren’t really ideal.”

“Oh, definitely not,” You tease, getting up from your bed, “We’re almost the same shoe size, right?”

“Pretty much.”

“Okay, you can borrow my flats then,” The two of you make your way to the shoe closet, and you crouch down to sort through the piles of dress shoes, “Unless you want heels?”

“Oh, no thank you,” She spews out, and you laugh. Even under all the makeup and fancy dresses you could put Clementine in, you could never change who she really is.

You grab a pair of light beige ballet flats. They’re rounded at the tip and have a black section at the too. There’s a thin, dainty elastic bow on both of them, and when Clementine sees them, she falls in love. Of course, you knew right away that she’d like them. There was no use in having her try on other flats.

“Thank you so much, Y/N!”

“Anytime.”

There’s a bright smile on both of your faces, and your conversation is interrupted when Clementine’s phone ring.

“Oh, I’ve gotta go,” She says, leaning in to press a kiss in your cheek, “Bye, Y/N!”

“Bye, Clem. Be safe.”

“I will!”

And with that, she’s out of the door and you’re left by yourself on this frigid Friday evening. You sigh, slouching down into the couch and turning on the TV. You can’t seem to remember a day in your life where you’ve been by yourself like this, both your parents and Clementine off to dinner at some fancy places you don’t know.

For the hundredth time this evening, you check the time.

 7:23. 

Hoseok would be here any minute, but right now you’re left to your own device.

It’s during then where your thoughts start to travel to the mess of your own life.

You mindlessly watch the cartoons that are playing on your screen while you reflect on your past mistakes. Jungkook continues to flash into your mind and you can’t help but wince every 2 or 3 minutes when you’re rudely reminded of your harsh words towards him. You cover your face in your hands, regretting every single moment of your life up till now. There was nothing that was going to bring back your friendship with Jungkook.

Why did you care so much? You shake your head as you try to sort out the discordant jumble of your emotions. There was no reason to care. You had only really gotten to know Jungkook this year. If someone was able to develop feelings for you that quickly, then certainly they weren’t real. Maybe Jungkook is in love with the idea of you. Or he’s incredibly bored and mistakes feelings of friendship for being in love. That’s usually how things play out.

So why were you bothered so much?

Why did you keep checking your phone to see if he would ever text you? Even now you’re tapping into your conversation with him, waiting to see if he’d type something out. Without thinking, you type a simple “I’m sorry” out. The words glare back at you, asking you why the fuck you haven’t sent them to him yet. You let out a tired sigh and delete them.

Although it’s childish, your mind’s first defense is to tarnish your version of Jungkook’s image. Jeon Jungkook was, in his core, a conceited, good-for-nothing quarterback who cared about no one else except for himself.

You groan, hitting yourself. Every single word in that statement isn’t true.

“What the fuck,” You whine to nobody in particular, curling up into a ball.

Why did Jungkook have to force his way into your life like that? Jungkook with his stupidly soft brown hair and his annoyingly pretty eyes. With his kind smile and laugh that you’d love to record and just hear on repeat for the rest of your days. Jeon Jungkook, the person you’d never expect to be your new best friend, but here he was, just popping up out of nowhere and disappearing without a trace. You curse his name over and over again. Why couldn’t you get his face out of your mind?

His infuriatingly attractive face and his built frame that always makes an appearance, no matter how loose his clothing is. It’s a whole repeat of the other night, where all your senses, all your thoughts, are nothing but him.

You hear his laughter. How it’s so sweet, so soft. You see the way his eyes crinkle up into pretty little crescent moons, how his toothy grin makes yet another appearance into your mind. How his eyes look so endearingly at you, like you could do no wrong in his sight. You think about reaching out to him. Maybe for a hug? You’re not so sure. All you can think about now, though, is how warm his embrace probably is. He’s always gentle with Clementine. There’s no doubt that he’s gentle and kind towards you now, too.

How would he look, laying next to you in bed? How would he look in the morning? Would he have even messier hair? Sleepy eyes? A lazy smile across his lips? Would he—

The doorbell rings, literally saving you from the grave you’re digging yourself. It wakes you up from your thoughts, making you realize that you shouldn’t be thinking of a friend like this.

You run over to the door, and when it’s open, you’re suddenly engulfed in Hoseok’s arms. You almost topple over, Hoseok being quite taller than you and stronger. He’s got a giddy grin on his face, and it looks like he’s just received the best news of his life. You have a confused, although happy smile on your face as well.

“Y/N, I’ve got so much to tell you!”

“Let me go make some popcorn,” You say, excited to hear the good news, “You got the movies, right?”

Hoseok takes off his backpack and pulls out three DVD cases.

“Obviously.”

They’re all cheesy rom-coms that are supposedly targeted towards teenagers, but are made by adults that apparently haven’t talked to a teenager in their life, despite having been one a few years earlier. That makes the movies all the better, though, because Hoseok and you like to take your time to nitpick all of the flaws in every single one. It’s a nice pastime with your best friend.

“Well, let’s get to it then!”

For the first time in forever, you can’t wait to torture yourself by watching shitty chick flicks with Hoseok.

“He did what?” 

“He kissed me, Y/N! He kissed me!” Hoseok squeals, and he almost drops the bowl of popcorn on his lap. 

The terrible movie is long forgotten.

“In the rain?” You ask, equally as excited, “Holy shit, Hobs, that’s like a movie!”

“I know,” He can’t wipe the grin off his face, “I was so mad at him before, ‘cause like, he just wouldn’t do anything! But then he kissed me out of nowhere!”

He‘s head over heels, dramatically leaning into the couch while pressing the back of his hand to his forehead, an over exaggerated performance of a faint.

“I feel like I’ve been struck by Cupid!”

“I think you’ve been like that a long time ago.”

“Shut up.”

“Just sayin’.”

Hoseok angrily grabs a handful of popcorn and shoves it in his mouth, the popcorn squeaking and crunching between his teeth.

“I hate that you’re always right.”

“Well, that’s not so true anymore…”

Your head hangs low, your vision on the screen now on your own bowl of popcorn. You grab a handful for yourself, using the action of chomping as a way to preoccupy yourself from the guilt.

“Hey, listen,” Hoseok wraps an arm around you and you rest on him, “It was in the heat of the moment.”

“Doesn’t make it right.”

“Okay, maybe you’re right there,” He chuckles, “But, hey, no one’s perfect. Jungkook was out of line. So were you. Stuff like that happens.”

“Why do I care so much?” You sigh, dejected.

“Because you like him,” He hums, almost nonchalantly.

“W-What?”

“You like Jungkook, Y/N.”

You stay silent, and Hoseok lifts you off of him so he can grab you by the shoulders.

“...Do you seriously not know?” His brows furrow, and you stare at him blankly.

“I think you might be wrong there, bud,” You give him a questioning look.

“Y/N, I love you. You’re an idiot.”

He stands up, and you’re still dumbfounded at his words. Hoseok reaches over to the coffee table and takes your phone. He clicks it on, the brightness causing you to squint. You take a mental note to stop having the brightness setting so high all the time. Once your eyes adjust to the lighting, you’re met with an image of Jungkook standing next to you in the living room, his arm around you while the both of you smile at the camera.

He’s got a tiara on and you have a fairy wand and a scratchy tutu wrapped around your waist, the tight elastic causing your t-shirt to bunch up in thick wrinkles. You involuntarily giggle to yourself when you see the picture. After playing a few board games with Clementine one night, she wanted to go into the attic and dress the two of you up in her old Halloween costumes. Of course, wanting to entertain her, the both of you granted her wishes.

And as if on cue, the smile from ear to ear that you’re sporting has dawned the realization on you.

“We’re just friends…”

“Y/N. I know you. You’ve been a bitch before. Without remorse,” Hoseok sighs, shaking his head.

“Hey!”

“All I’m saying is,” He puts his hands up in surrender, “Y/N, you know how good you are in arguments when you’re angry. You almost never feel bad when you use your words.”

“Okay, I’m not that bad-“

“Y/N,” He asserts, “Remember last year when you cussed that one Freshman out ‘cause he threw a french fry at me?”

“Yeah…”

“You went out of your way to sit down next to him and then proceed to tell him that if he disappeared, no one would notice.”

“I said that?” Your voice has only now become a pathetic little squeak.

“Yes, yes, you did,” He waves his hand after he speaks, “We’re getting off topic. What I’m telling you right now is that you’re blunt. Incredibly blunt. Like, holy shit, how can you say that? type of blunt.”

“I got that, but-“

“Not done,” He shoves the phone in your face even more, as to prove a point, “As we’ve seen before, you forget half of the crap you say. You never feel bad.”

You huff, not sure if you want to hear what Hoseok’s about to say next.

“Look at yourself right now. You’ve been moping over one sentence you’ve said to one boy for how long?” He wags the phone around, further emphasizing the said point, “And now you see one picture of him and you’re giggling like a dumbass.”

You sink back into the couch, the weight of everything hitting you way too strongly, too quickly.

“Well, let’s just say I did like him-“

“You’re fucking kidding me.”

“Just, just hear me out, okay?” You beg, and Hoseok tosses your phone on the table before slumping down on the couch, “So let’s say I did like him. Don’t you think I would’ve known by now?”

“Holy- Jungkook was right when he said you didn’t know shit,” Hoseok’s so close to losing it and killing you, “Have you seen the way you look at him?”

“No?”

“You’re insufferable,” Hoseok groans, whipping out his phone and scrolling through his camera roll. He taps on a video and he shows it to you.

On his screen, you’re sitting in the front passenger seat while Jungkook drives, both of you screaming out the songs on the radio from the top of your lungs. It was some cheesy song both of you hated but knew all of the lyrics to. You examine yourself in the video. When you look at Jungkook, there’s—yet again—another bright smile on your face, and there seems to be a twinkle in your eye. You cringe at yourself, hearing your voice and seeing just how wide your smile is, which causes your cheeks to puff up unflatteringly.

A hand reaches to your face when you notice how chubby it is.

“Where and how did you take that?”

“Remember when Joonie’s car broke down and we had to ride with you losers?”

“Oh.”

You think about that day. It was oddly suspicious as to how quiet they were in the car. Usually, Hoseok would’ve been nervously mouthing Namjoon’s ear off by then.

“Need I say more?”

You almost feel betrayed. Betrayed by how blind you’ve been, how stupid you’ve been.

“Well, it’s a lost cause,” You lament, “I fucked everything up. He probably doesn’t care about me anymore.”

“Not exactly.”

Hoseok swipes out of his camera roll and goes into Snapchat. He slides over to the Stories section and taps on one of the small circles. You’re met with yet another truth revealing image.

Took this kiddo out since some meanie broke her heart ;(

The translucent black bar almost laughs while Clementine smiles back at you—or, the camera, at least. She’s wearing the light blue dress from before and her hair has slightly gone flat, but is still quite wavy. There’s a huge plate of spaghetti before her, and she’s holding onto her fork with anticipation.

“If he didn’t care, why would he take the time to take Tina out tonight? He could’ve ignored her reaching out to him.”

While he is extremely right, you’re more focused on the situation itself.

“Why didn’t she tell me it was him taking her to dinner?”

Yet another betrayal tonight.

“I dunno, maybe it’s ‘cause you probably would use those pretty little words of yours towards her.”

“Am I really that scary?”

“Not all of the time,” He says, “But that’s ‘cause Jungkook makes you less high strung.”

“Hey, I’d watch what you’re saying right now-“

Hoseok wraps his arms around you, and he lets out a shaky, forced laugh. You don’t hug him back, but instead you let his embrace cool you down.

“You know I love you, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Anyways, more important than you planning out my funeral in your head right now,” He continues, “This is perfect for you.”

“What? The fact that my sister is going out on a date and I’m not is perfect?”

“No, no, you really are clueless, aren’t you? You poor, poor little girl,” He sighs, “This is a perfect opportunity for you to make amends with Wonder Boy tonight!”

“He just cares about Clem, not me, Seok,” You pout, “It’d be nice to, but he probably hates me.”

“Oh, but that’s where you’re also wrong!”

Once again, Jung Hoseok is pulling out receipts left and right with the sole purpose of proving you wrong. He goes into his text conversations and taps on a group chat between him, Namjoon, and Jungkook. You squint at the title.

“Therapy from Y/N’s Stubborn Ass?”

“Poor kid named it, not me!”

You roll your eyes, scrolling through the conversation. An odd clump of texts from Jungkook shine out to you the most. They’re all from the night of you messing up your friendship with him.

[December 6, 12:54 AM] Jungkook (Namjoon’s Stalker) I feel like I’m going insane I know I should be mad at her And I’m sure when I think about it properly, I will be But for some reason I don’t?

“Nice name for Namjoon.”

“Shut up and read the fucking texts before I lose it.”

[December 6, 12:55 AM] Joon Bug <3 Maybe you’re just tired, that was a lot to take in Hoseok yeah, but also try not to take it too hard. y/n’s kind of just like that. she thinks before she speaks and she gets way too angry for her own good. even more so if she cares about you.

“No need to call me out like that.”

“Trust me, Y/N, you needed to hear it eventually.”

[December 6, 12:54 AM] Jungkook (Namjoon’s Stalker) Yeah, you’re right It’s kind of cute, isn’t it?

The rest of the conversation is Jungkook praising you, adoring how “strong” you could be and how cute you were when you got upset. It’s a complete shift in mood from seconds ago, and obviously the reaction you were not expecting. The same fluttery feeling becomes stronger in your chest, so much so that it’s too obvious to ignore. You throw the phone back to Hoseok, not being able to cope with the heaping amounts of new information you’ve received.

“What time do you think they’ll get here?” You murmur.

“Soon enough,” Hoseok sighs again, this time in relief, knowing that you were finally going to listen to him.

You decide to ease some of your nerves by actually watching the movie, pinpointing the many beautiful flaws of the characters and the stories.

“Y/N?” You feel someone shake you, “Y/N? Wake up.”

You croak some incoherent grumbles, rubbing your puffy eyes. You cautiously open one of them, gauging how bright the lights are. Once you’ve adjusted, you blink to see Clementine above you. You sit up from Hoseok, who you’ve been leaning on for the past few hours and who’s still sound asleep.

Who knew criticizing three romance movies back to back would make you so tired?

“Hi, Clem,” You yawn, stretching out your arms, “How was dinner?”

“Great,” She giggles, “I actually have something for you, and you might be mad at me for it.”

“What is it?”

“Well, it’s more of a who, than a what.”

You nod, as Clementine helps you get up from the couch. In your sleep ridden daze, you forget about your urgency to talk to Jungkook and you also don’t recognize that she’s pulling you from your arm and walking you out the door. You only realize it when a brisk wind slaps you harshly in the face, causing your hair to become even more tangled than before.

Before you know it, you’re standing in front of Jungkook on your driveway and Clementine is running back into the house to find refuge in your best friend.

He’s dressed in a simple black suit, a white dress shirt neatly tucked into his pants. The thin, breathable fabric is tight against his skin, further showing just how built he is for his age. The scars and bruises have faded away completely, but you do see a bandage or two when his sleeve rolls up to scratch his nose or fix a piece of hair that’s out of place. His hair is neatly combed into a middle part, some of the hair fanning over his eyes. His hands are now shoved in his pockets, and he’s staring down at you, waiting for you to say something.

Small is probably the best way to describe how you feel when you’re in his presence right now. Underdressed, too, maybe, as you’re only clad in an old hoodie that has the name of a college you’ve never heard of, some thick, baggy sweatpants, and a pair of bunny slippers. Not to mention how messy your hair is and how your face is still puffy from the deep sleep you were in mere minutes ago.

“Um… Hi,” You wince once you hear how scratchy your voice is. This certainly is doing wonders for your image.

“Hey,” He responds, hesitant as well.

You bite your lip, trying to find the right words to say. You plan to confess to him, right here and right now, but another harsh wind hits you, causing you to shiver and clutch your arms around yourself to try to create some warmth for yourself. Immediately, Jungkook takes off his blazer and wraps it around you. He leads you to the trunk of his car, and once it’s open, he helps you get up there so you can sit.

Bless his parents for giving him an SUV.

The car trunk blocks out the outside wind, and Jungkook’s blazer gives you immense warmth. The scent of laundry detergent mixed with faint, pleasant cologne floods your senses, calming you down right away. Jungkook watches as you snuggle yourself in his clothes. His legs hang over the edge of the trunk while you curl up in a ball, leaning on one side of the car.

“I’m sorry,” You clear your throat, “For being an asshole.”

“It’s no-“

“No, don’t say that. It’s not something you can just brush over so lightly,” You look him dead in the eye while you speak, “I was terrible and I’m really sorry for saying such mean things to you. You didn’t deserve that.”

Jungkook nods, pressing his lips together into a thin line before licking them. A thin layer of saliva glosses his lips, their color a more vivid shade of pink.

“I’m really sorry, Jungkook,” You repeat, “I shouldn’t have said that.”

Your voice is clear even though your heart is beating violently against your chest, and even you’re amazed. Hoseok was right when he said that you were good with your words.

Well, up until now.

“Y/N-“

When he says your name, your words ungracefully sputter out of your mouth, displaying just how afraid you are. 

“No, I’m, like, really, really sorry,” You feel tears well up in your eyes, but you brave on nonetheless, “I get it if you don’t want to talk to me anymore, and that’s okay, I just-“

“Y/N.”

In a split second, Jungkook’s hands are cupped around your face. He stares into your eyes deeply, fondly, just like he always does. You blink back at him, eyes fluttering while you try to adjust to the proximity. It’s then where you see every single little detail on his face that makes him who he is. The little scar on his cheek, the moles lightly dotted on his skin, and the way his eyes seem doe-like, almost. You take it all in, noticing how your breaths have synchronized, cold fog coming from of both of your lips.

You almost forget how much you like the way he says your name.

“Listen to me,” He whispers, “I’m okay. You’re okay.”

“Really?”

“I forgive you.”

The tears you’ve been desperately trying to hold back have somehow found their way out, and Jungkook chuckles while his thumb wipes them away. His touch is gentle on your skin, almost ticklish, and he doesn’t say anything else but just continues to dry the tears falling from your eyes.

“Jungkook,” You sniffle, “You’re too nice for your own good.”

He shrugs, letting out a breathy laugh. It’s music to your ears, just like it’s always been.

“Only to the people I love,” He tilts his head to the side, “Other than that, I’m pretty selfish.”

You giggle as well, putting your hands on his and leaning more into his touch. Your eyelids flutter downwards, as you take the time to just feel him on your skin, to savor this moment for yourself.

“Do you still think I don’t know anything about you, Y/N?”

You open your eyes and look at him, as he expectantly waits for you to answer. For some reason, though, your words catch in your throat. You never seem to be able to speak properly around Jungkook. He sighs, taking your silence as a resounding “yes”.

“Your name is Y/F/N Y/L/N and you’re a junior in high school. You’re on the Monarchs cheer team, and your best friend is named Jung Hoseok,” He says, not taking his hands away from you, “You have a little sister named Clementine, who’s 12. Your mom’s a psychiatrist and your dad is an architect. Even though they’re always busy, they’ve been trying to find ways to spend more time together.”

The routinely symphony of crickets mixed with Jungkook’s voice and the scent of Jungkook constantly wafting into your nose almost makes you faint. The state you’re in is one of complete bliss, complete relaxation as his hands are warm and welcoming against your skin. You’d go to sleep if Jungkook wasn’t professing his love for you for the second time right now.

“You like One Direction, even though a lot of people think that’s cringy. You’re still a big fan of the Power Rangers, and Trini, the Yellow Ranger, is your favorite. You can be incredibly mean and you can say things out of line, but most of the time you just don’t think before speaking,” He smiles at you while he speaks, “Deep down inside I know you’re an incredible softie. And I know that because of how you treat Tina. And, ‘cause you’re a softie ‘round me too, even if you don’t realize it.”

“Oh, Jungkook,” You breathe out, a smile forming on your lips as well.

“You used to hate me, because I called you thunder thighs during practice, and rightfully so,” He mumbles the last part, and you giggle.

“Didn’t know you’d remember that.”

“Remembered it ‘cause I can never forget how angry you were that day,” He teases, “Anyways, you used to hate me so much. And I’ll be honest, you had every reason to. I didn’t like you that much either.”

“Ouch.”

He rolls his eyes at you.

“But then I got to know you, got to see how kind and genuine you are around people, even if you don’t see that,” He says, “Sometimes you say terrible things, but under that tough exterior, all you are is just a genuine girl who does her best to make the people she loves happy.”

“You’re hardworking, smart, and extremely funny,” He continues, “In and out, you’re a beautiful person. That’s the Y/N I know, and that’s the Y/N I love and I will be in love with for a long time.”

You sniffle, and Jungkook waits, afraid that you’ll start crying again. When you don’t, he takes a deep breath before talking again.

“You’re all I’ve ever wanted, Y/N,” He confesses, “Can’t you see?”

You shake your head, reaching out to grab him by the collar. You pull him in and press your lips against him, your whole body being set aflame and your lips telling him everything that you’re dying to say. There’s a faint taste of Jungkook’s watermelon flavored gum on your tongue (If you thought about it hard enough, there was a hint of pasta there as well). His lips are soft and pillowy against yours, and you feel as though you’ve waited for this moment for your entire life.

Who knew it would take your mom, your sister, and Hoseok to make you realize that?

Jungkook smiles against your lips, caressing your face lovingly with his thumbs. Your hand finds a way through his soft brown locks, combing through the strands that fall in between your fingers.

The sky is painted pitch black, save for the bright stars and the moon shining for the two of you, but your world is painted in deep shades of pink. Sure, it may be extremely cold because it is still December after all, but Jungkook’s lips feel warm on yours and that’s all the heat you needed to survive. You could stay like this forever if you could, if your lungs could take it.

However, that isn’t humanly possible, and after what feels like forever, your body reminds you that you still need oxygen to function.

You pull away, hands still in their respective place while the two of you meet eyes, chests moving up and down in sync. Your lips are slightly parted, mimicking Jungkook’s, and a silence falls on the two of you, but it’s not uncomfortable. It’s peaceful, as your world becomes nothing but Jungkook right at this moment.

“I love you,” both of you say at the same time, and before you know it, you’re laughing. Jungkook’s still stunned at first, but now he’s laughing just because you’re laughing and it’s contagious.

And in this moment, you feel safe.

Sure, you didn’t know a thing about love. You couldn’t even tell left from right at some times. But maybe that was okay. Maybe you didn’t have to figure everything out right now. Sitting with Jungkook in the trunk of his car, where the stars are beaming down on you and his coat is keeping you warm, is honestly all you need tonight. And maybe you still have some negative feelings you need to resolve from your past relationships. Maybe you had some issues in yourself that you needed to sort out, but that was okay, because Jungkook had his fair share of issues himself. And regardless of all of that, he was ready to risk it all for you. He was willing to learn and grow with you. Jungkook would wait for you as long as it takes. And you don’t need him to reassure you. You didn’t need to worry about it. You didn’t need to worry about anything, you realize.

Because now Jungkook’s walking you back into your house, offering to tuck you into bed and stay with you until you fall asleep, even though you’re 17 and you’re very well aware that you don’t need someone else to keep you company so you can sleep.

That doesn’t mean you’d decline his offer, though, as you lie in bed with him, snuggled up in his arms while he runs his hands through your hair. His dress shirt is scratchy against your skin, but you don’t care. Being with him is enough for you. 

“Are you still on the team?” You ask out of the blue, eyelids drooping down while your burning curiosity gets the best of you, “You didn’t get kicked off because of me, did you-“

He peppers your face in kisses.

“Coach and I are close, he gets it,” He mumbles against your skin, “Just gotta do a lot of his chores for the rest of the year and summer. I’ll be okay, Y/N.”

“Okay…”

“That’s not your fault, princess,” He chuckles, “That was mine.”

“Yeah, definitely,” You nuzzle your face in his chest, “Still upset you did that.”

“Oh, I know,” He places yet another kiss on your head, “But for you, I’d do it all over again if I had to.”

And as the two of you fall asleep soundly in each other’s arms, you’re unaware of the loving smiles from your family and Hoseok’s faces when they see you two through the slightly opened door.

Epilogue

A little more than a year has passed. You’ve kept track.

Life has thrown obstacle after obstacle your way, but you’ve overcome all of them so far, and you plan to do so until your last breath. Jungkook was right when he said that you were strong. It’s amazing how you didn’t quite exactly realize this until now. 

But this “strength” is long gone today, as you’re sitting on a fancy wooden chair, the soft cushion feeling good under you, in the middle of an Italian restaurant. The chandelier’s are dimly lit, shading your beige surroundings in elegant oranges and creams. You take a deep breath, trying to still your heart that's pounding violently in your chest. Your nerves work against every single word of the pep talk you’ve given yourself this morning, and you steady yourself, fidgeting with the silk, blue fabric of your dress that’s laying across your lap.

You look over to your right, and if you were stressed out, Jungkook was ten times worse, to say the least.

His right leg is bouncing up and down uncontrollably, and he continues to wipe away sweat from his forehead with a napkin, despite the fact that the restaurant is heavily air conditioned. His lips are formed in a tight, miniscule circle, and he’s also trying to steady his breathing, but he fails time and time again, hyperventilating right after. Every few seconds, he’ll pull out his phone and use his camera as a mirror, his fingers fixing the littlest flaw in his hair that his mind seems to create. His left arm is resting on your chair, the feeling of the thick material of his sleeve tickling your skin.

You sigh, watching how much of a nervous wreck he was, despite how amazing he looked in his tux.

“Still can’t believe you took Clem to this place before me,” You quip, and Jungkook is taken out of his trance, a smile falling on his lips once his eyes meet yours, “I think that’s a little unfair, don’t you?”

A miniscule portion of the tension in his body is gone while he’s thinking of what to say, not willing to miss any chance of responding to your jokes with something of equal (if not more) wittiness.

“First come, first serve, princess,” He chuckles, and you roll your eyes at him, punching his chest lightly. Once you’re quiet, he’s back to overthinking.

“Y’know, the fact that you’re more nervous than I am is saying something,” You hum, reaching up to poke his cheek so that he returns to Earth.

“I can’t help it…”

You smirk, planting a soft kiss on his cheek. His face flashes up, and he shakes his head at you.

“You’re crazy, y’know that?” He sighs, staring at you dreamily. Even now, he becomes head over heels when you kiss him out of the blue. The sight of him having literal heart eyes for you makes you giggle.

“So are you,” You respond, “But, hey, it’ll be okay, I promise. Nothing bad could possibly happen.”

“...Really?”

“Of course, Kook,” You place your hand on his thigh, giving it an affirmative squeeze, “Everything will be fine.”

“And if it’s not?”

“Well,” You click your tongue, “We’ll get there when we get there.”

He nods, most of the stress leaving his head. You take a sigh of relief, seeing how relaxed he’s become. Now he’s cracking jokes about anything and everything, and you feel a flutter in your chest. Jungkook was back to his normal self.

Well, he was until he suddenly froze in his seat while he was in the middle of telling you a funny story during practice. Your focus is turned away from him and you follow his line of vision. You’re met with a waitress leading a middle-aged man and a boy into the seating area. She scans the room and once she sees your table, she gestures over to you two, a bright, pleasant smile on her face.

Jungkook immediately stands up to greet the two of them, thanking the waitress for her assistance. He guides them to the table, and it’s only then where you get a good look at them.

You suppress a laugh. Jungkook definitely had his father’s nose.

So did his little brother, Yeonjin, who was the spitting image of Jungkook when Jungkook was 13. He even has the infamous bowl cut that Jungkook had when he was younger. The boy takes out the earbuds in his ears, unplugs them from his phone, rolls them up in his hand, and places the coiled up earbuds into his pocket of his trousers.

He stares up at you, almost in awe, and so does his dad, who’s looking you up and down. Jungkook’s father acts as if he’s dissecting a subject, taking you apart piece by piece and rearranging you in his mind so as to get a better understanding of your character. It’s times like these where you wish that mind reading was a skill.

Jungkook takes another deep breath. He then gestures to you, and you flash a polite smile to them, reaching out your hand.

“Um, Yeonie,” He clears his throat, “Dad, this is Y/N.”

There’s a beat of silence before he speaks again.

“She’s my girlfriend.”

“Nice to meet you, Y/N,” His father says, a soft smile appearing finally. He shakes your hand. Yeonjin follows his actions, shaking your hand with an obviously lesser amount of strength, but with the same eagerness all the more. You hide the uneasiness in your chest, knowing all that you know about Jungkook’s dad and his brother. And knowing that his dad doesn’t know that you know about him.

Nevertheless, though, you sit down with his other side of the family and make easy conversation with them while all of you look through the menu. Yeonjin points to one dish on the menu to his dad, and then whips out his phone and starts scrolling through social media. He doesn’t say anything, save for a soft chuckle or snicker when he sees a funny post on his phone.

You take a glance at Jungkook, who has become more composed than earlier. You take a few more glances, and Jungkook does the same. When you make eye contact, you give him a bright smile, and he mirrors you. You feel the back of his hand on your thigh, and you put your hand in his. He lets out a sigh, squeezing you and massaging your skin with his thumb. The action brings both of you at peace.

“So, Y/N,” His dad takes a sip of the ice cold water in his glass, “How did you get to know Jungkook?”

This time, Yeonjin actually looks up from his phone to stare at you with curiosity.

You smile at them sheepishly, wondering what exactly to tell them of your wild ride of a story with Jungkook. Maybe you could omit some parts here and there, especially the part about him getting expelled because of you. You’re not even sure if his dad knew that happened to him.

You gulp, and Jungkook squeezes your hand once more. Now it’s him making sure that you return to Earth. Your nerves are still set on fire, though, and you stammer out a few incoherent sounds while you try to find the right things to say.

This was definitely going to be significantly harder than having dinner with his mom.

a/n: hope you guys enjoyed!!! it had quite a bunch of cliches but i loved writing them nonetheless. i love you all :)

[tvitr]

uwu I don’t make the ruwules

(Okay fine, reasons/opinions below the cut but be warned! I won’t be holding back on game or book spoilers. Or rambling. This got longer than I anticipated lol)

BETTER IN THE BOOK

Eis “Fireman Sam” Glover: I don’t know what the game was trying to do with this one. I guess he gets overwhelmed by the fire and loses his composure or gets scared or... something?  Also why did he not bring a hose. Or a mask.  This is why so many reviewers thought Wonderworld was a metaphor for purgatory and all the inhabitants are dead I swear. Who cares, the book handled it a lot better. I wouldn’t say it’s perfect, but there’s definitely a good idea here with some interesting themes. The gist is that he feels ashamed following his captain’s orders to retreat during a serious blaze, which his colleagues disobeyed, and his colleagues are later hailed as heroes by the press.  Is Balan the Book trying to take on toxic masculinity...? How brave. Tl;dr, the book conveyed the story a Hell of lot better than the game. Honestly I’m surprised this is the only one.

BETTER IN THE GAME

Haoyu “Airplane Boi” Chang: So the book tried waaaay too hard to draw a parallel between Haoyu and Fiona (aka, Dolphin Girl) to the point that they both share a similar backstory, in that they had a hobby which led to a near-fatal accident and now they’re too traumatised to resume said hobby. And that’s not a bad thing per se but... “near fatal accident” was already Fiona’s backstory. We didn’t need a duplicate. And this is more personal preference, but I kinda liked Haoyu’s story in the game anyway. His failure at building a functioning aeroplane out of crap he found in his garage is endearingly funny in the game, and the resolution of him taking time out to sit down and study before building anything is a nice spin on the whole “if at first you don’t succeed” theme the chapter wanted. 

Sana “Bird Lady” Hudson: So the book decided they didn’t want to make Cal an angry sore loser so guess what? They made Sana an angry misanthrope. Wonderful. Okay maybe that’s harsh, but she definitely came off as very bitter and unsympathetic in the book. Like there’s a scene at the end where she harasses a firefighter and tries to steal a fire engine because they’re working on a building fire and not supervising her park. That’s not a character you wanna root for. That’s a Karen. The game had a better plot thread and resolution to her story rather than a boring cookie-cutter “humans vs. nature grrrr humans are so evil” story, like the game story here had a bit more depth to it and approached the topic more maturely than the book did. Which is ironic considering how hilariously edgy the book gets sometimes, but I guess throwing a few smashed eggs and frozen bird skeletons into your story doesn’t mean anything if you’re still going to paint such a black-and-white narrative.

Iben “Frozen Elsa” Bia: This story didn’t need dialogue. Like... we don’t need her to justify why she’s upset her parents are dead because we’d already assume that. They’re her parents! Of course we’d assume she’d be upset! They died! Simultaneously! That’s horrible! WE DON’T NEED HER TO EXPLAIN THIS! Also her dialogue in the book was... pretty terrible, not gonna lie. Like if you’re gonna insist on dialogue at least make it gOOD. I’m actually planning on just reviewing her book scene so I can fully articulate just how bad it is anyway, so stay tuned for that mess lol.

FINE IN BOTH

I mean there’s not really too much to say here but anyways:

Jose/”The Farmer” having a family in the book gives him a bit more depth, even if we never hear from them again after his backstory dump.

Fiona/”Dolphin Girl” almost drowns in a slightly different way, with a dolphin straight up pulling her mask off rather than knocking it out of her mouth, and the book also goes more into detail about her love for diving and dolphins. Also the book ships her and Haoyu like. So hard. Like they never shut up about how similar they are or what they other’s doing or if the other’s okay or not. By the end of it I was expecting them to just start making out in front of everyone, they’re that obsessed with each other. And it would be funny if they didn’t use this to wreck Haoyu’s backstory like I mentioned earlier.

Yuri/”Bug Kid”/”Is that a Pokémon reference?” is now being kinda bullied for liking bugs, which yeah gives her more depth and reason to be upset but I also kinda related to her just being that One Kid with interests that nobody else had. But it’s not as bad as some of the other changes, so I can let it slide.

Atillio/Clown and Bruce/Old Man are the same, nothing to say here.

Lucy/”The Artist” is a total drama queen but then again so are Art People so I can let it slide. I did like them changing her problem from “artist’s block” (seriously?) to her feeling too under pressure to create masterpieces, unless that’s what the game was aiming for? Oh who cares.

JUST A BIG MESS

Cass “Dead Cat Girl” Milligan: This is a weird one because the story is the same between the game and book (though the book mentions she witnessed a more severe car accident rather than a speeding car which she assumes kills the cat, and the cat isn’t even her cat, it’s a stray) but the story itself is... flawed. According to the book, they wanted to convey the idea that running away from the accident was irresponsible, and she just needed to look back and she’d see her cat is okay, but the game kind of makes it look more like Balan turned back time to save her cat, and the book mentions a serious car crash which I don’t think anyone would willingly return to. I feel there’s a better way to convey this idea of being responsible for your pets, like say her cat escapes from the house and gets lost, and her resolution is going out and properly looking for it. That’s a more effective (and natural) way to relay that message, especially as they weren’t going to commit to the idea of grieving a lost pet.

I’M CONFLICTED

Cal “Chess Daddy” Suresh: God this was a tough call. On one hand Cal’s game backstory is one of the ones most YouTube players single out as the weakest backstory in the game. He’s just “that guy who lost one game of chess”. Being right before Iben’s level certainly doesn’t help. I could honestly write a separate post about how bad the story placements are in this game but that’s too long for here.  On the other hand, I still... kinda like it? Like I like this idea of him being a sore loser with a bad temper who needs to learn some humility, sure it’s not as serious as “I almost drowned” or “my parents are dead” but one of the few good things about the game is that it balanced “serious” stories with “benign” ones, if that makes sense. HOWEVER His book scene is... probably one of the best written in the whole book. Which isn’t saying much, but it felt like it hit the intended degree of darkness that the rest of the book was trying to hit. One of my main issues with the book is how much it edged up everyone’s backstory, which doesn’t sound bad but when you have 12 characters with edgy backstories to sit through, it starts to feel like a 14 year old's first attempt at writing an angsty fanfiction very quickly. And yes, Cal’s story is dark and angsty but it felt like the perfect balance of dark and angsty. Or as perfect as the book can get. Like even Balan’s annoying rhyming dialogue sounded good for the tone of the scene. Man maybe I should just do a review of both his backstories in a bigger post.  Obviously I could be biased because I’m a sucker for chess aesthetics and dark skinned men with long permed hair so I’m just putting more thought into him but still.

[atlafan]

Office Neighbors - Part Nine

a/n: more Andy angst, some embarrassing dad moments, and the ski trip, not proofread (reblogs and feedback are super helpful!)

warnings: slight angst, fluff, and smut

words: 17K

masterpost

Caroline had started coming to some of Andy’s basketball games, which you could tell went right up Brandon’s ass because Andy would want to talk with her after the game. She was his girlfriend now, though, so what could Andy do? It was really sweet, he told you all about how he asked her out, and not Harry. He had called her and just asked her if she wanted to be his girlfriend and she said yes immediately.

“Do you wanna meet my dad?” Andy asks her after his game.

“Yeah!”

He takes her hand and walks her over to where all of the parents were sitting and talking while all of the boys got their things together.

“Dad, this is Caroline.”

“Oh! Hi, it’s nice to meet you.” He extends his hand for her to shake and she blushes. She gives Andy a funny look.

“What?”

“You didn’t say your dad was British…”

“Oh, well sometimes I forget, honestly.”

You burst out laughing at that and try to compose yourself as Harry side eyes you.

“Anyways…” Harry says. “I’ve heard so many good things. You’re from Maine?”

“Mhm, we just moved here, and-“

“Caroline.” Mrs. Stearn comes walking over to the group. “We need to go, you still have homework to do.”

“Oh, sorry, Mom, I was just saying hello to Mr. Styles, you know, Andy’s dad.”

“Hi.” He smiles at her and shakes her hand. “You just started at the university, right? Y/N and I are professors in the CM department.”

“Oh! Yes, I’m in the Psychology department. My husband also just started there. He’s the new Director of Operations for the IT department.”

“Wow.” You say, impressed.

“So, you’re the woman who chaperoned their first couple of dates?” Mrs. Stearn smirks.

“That would be me, yeah.” You smile. “Harry was in London at the time.”

“Well, I appreciate it, honestly. I felt terrible we couldn’t really have Andy over since we were still unpacking. We sort of still are. We’ll have a housewarming at some point.” She sighs and looks at Caroline. “Ready to go, honey?”

“Mhm, bye, Andy.”

“Bye.” They smile at each other before her and her mother head out.

“She seems nice, tired, but nice.” You say. “She has three other daughters all in high school.”

“That can definitely be tiring.” Harry chuckles. “Are you ready?” He says to Andy.

“Let me just say bye to Brandon.” Andy races over to Brandon to say goodbye before you all head out.

“Andy, you played so well. You’re good at everything.” You say in the car.

“I actually sucked at basketball when I first started. Mr. Stewart is just a really good coach. Brandon taught me how to skateboard too. He’s the one that’s good at everything.”

“You’ve shown him some art tricks.” Harry points out.

“True. Art starts up this week, I’m so excited. We get to do more clay stuff, I can’t wait.”

“Maybe we could go to that pottery paint place sometime.” You say. “We could go on a little double date.” You wink at Harry.

“Yeah! Can we, Dad?”

“Sure.” Harry shrugs. “Sounds like fun.”

“And you said we could go ice skating, Saturday, don’t forget.”

“Don’t worry, we’re all set to go to the free skate at the university.” He looks at you. “You’re still coming, yeah?”

“Mhm, although, I can’t promise I’ll stay on my feet for very long. I’m not a strong skater.” You laugh.

“I’ll keep you steady.” He puts his hand on your thigh and gives it a squeeze. Andy rolls his eyes not that either of you see.

//

Syllabus week was alive and well. Your classes were off to a good start, which you were thankful for. Many of the students had gotten to know you by now, so you were starting to see some repeat faces. It gave you a major boost of confidence. It was time for your meeting with Lisa. You had sent her everything you had so she could look it all over beforehand.

“Lisa?” You tap on the outside of her office door.

“Come in, Y/N!” She beams. “Please have a seat.” You nod and close the door before sitting down. “How was your break? I know we spoke a bit during the faculty meeting, but we didn’t really get to catch up.”

“Oh, it was good. Got a lot done, relaxed a little.”

“That’s great. I heard you got to spend some time with little Andy while Harry was in London?”

“I did.” You nod. “It was some good quality time.”

“I’m sure everyone says it to you, but I just think it’s so wonderful you and Harry got together. You’re such a great pair.”

“Oh, um, thank you.”

“Anyways, let’s get down to it, shall we? What you have so far is really good. You’re very articulate in your writing. It’s clear and concise. I think anyone who’s not up on the times of social media and anonymity would be able to follow along, but it’s also no to so low level that someone who does know about the subject would be bored, I appreciate that a lot.”

“Thank you, I was worried it almost sounded condescending.”

“Not at all. It’s good that you have those pockets of extra explanation.” You nod at her. “Keep doing what you’re doing, and I think you’ll have an excellent piece of writing here. However, you also need to be thinking about how you’ll defend yourself during your presentation. You need to start thinking of a committee. Obviously Harry can’t be on it, but I’m sure you know that.”

“Right, major conflict of interest.” You chuckle.

“Exactly.” She chuckles too. “I think Sandra would be a good person to start with. I wouldn’t suggest Janette either since you’re close with her. I’ll obviously be on the committee too. I think some people from the English department could be good as well.”

“Okay, yeah, I’ll definitely start thinking of some people. At least Harry can help me with the presentation aspect of things. He’s such a good presenter.”

“He definitely is, that’s an excellent idea.”

You felt better than you thought after your meeting with Lisa, you were practically floating through the halls as you made your way back to your office. After you sit for a few minutes, you look up and see Harry standing in your doorway.

“Hey.” You smile.

“Hi…got a few minutes?”

“Sure! Come on in.”

“Great.” He closes the door and sits down in front of your desk.

“What’s up?”

“I wanted to talk to you about Andy’s February break. It’s about a month away, and I know it would be a lot to ask you to cancel your classes for that week, but I’d like if you joined us.”

“Oh, wow, um…would I have fun? I don’t know how to ski, Har.”

“They have beginning adult lessons! I could take one with you so you wouldn’t be alone either.”

“You’d let Andy go off on his own?”

“Well…he wouldn’t be alone…here’s the catch.” He chews the inside of his cheek. “We all had a lot of fun last year, making the trip more of a blended family thing, it was good bonding for everyone, and-“

“You want me to go on a ski trip with you, your son, your ex, her fiancé, and his daughter? Is that what you’re asking me?”

“Yes.”

You lean back in your chair and let a breath out. You go to speak, but nothing comes out. You keep rethinking what you want to say.

“Harry, I-“

“Don’t say no yet. Think about it, yeah? I’d really like it if you were there.”

“That just feels really serious, and you and I haven’t even talked about where this is all going yet.”

“Where what is all going?”

“Our relationship.”

“I thought it was pretty obvious, I didn’t think we needed to have a conversation about it. We always say little things about the future, thought we were solid.”

“We are, but there are things we haven’t exactly discussed.”

“Like what?”

“Like…um, like, Jesus, I can’t talk about this here.” You pinch the bridge of your nose. “We’re at work, now isn’t the time.”

“Neither of us have classes for the rest of the day, just talk to me.”

“Harry, I wanna have kids someday, not that I don’t love Andy, and not that I wouldn’t treat him as my own, but I would like to have a baby myself, and I have no idea if you want that too. You could easily not want to do the baby thing again, and I’d like to know that sooner rather than later.”

“If I didn’t are you saying you would break things off? Andy and I wouldn’t be enough?”

“Maybe for a little while, but I feel like I’d become resentful. There’s this piece of me I feel really deep inside myself that’s missing, you know? I know in the grand scheme of things we haven’t been together that long, so I know it’s a lot to be talking about this now, but-“

“No, I get it…you’re valid.” He sighs.

“And I wouldn’t want you to just say yes to me because you want me around. I don’t wanna have a kid with someone that doesn’t want that kid.”

“It would be such a big age difference…Andy would be at college by the time the kid would even know he has a brother, and Andy would just feel like another parent. Wouldn’t even be able to enjoy having a little sibling, would he?” He was more so just thinking out loud because he wasn’t looking at you as he spoke, but then he makes eye contact with you. “How many do you think you’d want to have?”

“Um, I don’t know…two maybe?”

“You, you want to have two of my children?”

“I’d like you to be the father, yeah.” You chuckle. You didn’t really know the weight this carried in Harry’s heart. This was very serious to him. “I’m not in love with anyone else last time I checked.”

“So you want it all with me, then? Marriage, house, kids?”

“Yeah, I do.”

“Wow.” He sits back and looks off again.

“There’s no rush or anything, I just want us to be on the same page and make sure we want the same things.”

“No, that’s totally fair, Y/N.” He plucks at his bottom lip as he looks at you. “You realize in order to have all that you’d have to move in with us at some point.” You nod at him. “How do you feel about that? Do you like my house enough to want to live there? I don’t particularly want to move…”

“I love your house! And I have some design ideas that could make it more ours at some point. I think it’s the perfect size.”

“Maybe I should invest in that pool then…” Again, he was just thinking out loud. “I…I could see myself having more kids.” He says, looking at you now. His gaze could be so intimidating sometimes. It was the shape of his eyebrows, he could look so fucking scary.

“Really?” You ask as softly as you can.

“Yeah.” He smiles at you. “If it’s with you, yeah.”

“Oh, Harry.” Your eyes were starting to water. You get up and sit sideways on his lap, hugging him.

“We’re at work, Y/N.”

“Don’t care.” You kiss his cheek and hold him close to you. He holds you just as close, rocking you slightly. His eyes were watery too.

“When, um, when do you think you’d wanna move in?”

“God, I don’t know…my lease is up in July, maybe then?”

“You’d wanna wait that long?”

“I think I should so I can still focus on my work, it’s my quiet space.”

“Okay, that’s fair.” He sighs. “Even though you’ve been staying over more and more.” He smirks at you. “Lot of money to pay for a quiet space.”

“If I feel like I should move in sooner then we can talk about it, but right now I think July is good.”

“Alright, July it is.” He pecks your lips. “Now, what about February break?”

“God, won’t it be awkward?”

“No.” He shrugs. “I had fun last year. You’ve seen how spacious the cabin is, we’d have our own section of the house, so would Noah and Paige, and the kids would stay in the bunk room. Plenty of privacy.” He wiggles his eyebrows at you and you smack his shoulder.

“You’re fucking crazy if you think I’m gonna get busy with you under the same roof as all those people.”

“So, is that a yes?”

“It’s a very reluctant yes.”

He kisses you again.

“You’ll have a great time, I promise.”

“You better not laugh at me when I fall a ton on those skis.”

“You learned how to hike no problem, you’ll be a pro at skiing before you know it.”

“Harry…” You stand up. “Walking up a mountain at a leisurely pace is a lot different than zipping down a snowy mountain.”

“So you’ll stick to the bunny trails.” He shrugs and stands up as well. “God, you’re gonna look so sexy in all that gear.”

“Yeah, the helmet hair is gonna be a major turn on.” You roll your eyes.

“Fuck, I better leave before I get a stiffy just thinking about it.” He winks at you and steps out as you shake your head at him.

“Moron.” You laugh to yourself as you sit back down at your desk. You chew on your bottom lip and text Nora immediately.

//

Saturday rolls around, and you meet up with everyone at the ice arena to go ice skating. Afternoon free skate was something a lot of community members went to, not so much the college students. You smile when you see Harry inside helping Andy and Caroline lace up their skates.

“Hi, Y/N!” Andy says, waving at you.

“Hi.” You sit down on the bench next to Andy and kick your boots.

“Alright, you two are all set, go on.” Harry smiles at Andy and Caroline.

They stand up and hold hands as they walk over to the entrance for the ice. Harry looks up at you and you have grin on your face.

“What?”

“Gonna lace my skates for me too, Daddy?” You bat your lashes at him and his cheeks flush.

“Don’t be a brat.” He mutters as he stands to sit next to you. “And if you really need help I will, but I’m done crouching.” He pulls your leg between his once you get the skates on. You’re almost mesmerized by watching his strong hands pull the laces nice and tight. “Next.” He says as you switch legs. “Your hat’s cute.”

“Thanks, it’s one of my favorites.”

“Your hair looks pretty with it like that.” He mumbles as he finishes your laces. You bite your lip and lean in close to him.

“I’ll tell you a secret.” You whisper and his eyes flick to your eyes. “You don’t need to butter me up, you’re gonna get laid later.”

You hadn’t been over much in the last few days so you could get some work done, and you knew Harry was missing you physically. You just catch his pupils widen from your words.

“Is it such a crime for a guy to compliment his girlfriend?” He scoffs, trying to play it cool.

“Not at all.” You peck his lips and lean back so he can stand up. He puts his hands out for you and you stand. “Whoa.”

“Alright?”

“Yeah, just don’t let go of me.” You clutch at his shoulders.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

Andy and Caroline were happily skating around like it was nothing. It seemed like they were racing each other. Harry was happy to see them having such a good time. He gets you gliding on the ice, but your hands stay in his.

“Do you know how to roller skate? You just move your legs the same way.”

“That’s on pavement with wheels, not blades on ice.” You say as you look down.

“I’ve got an idea, hang onto my hips and I’ll lead you around.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

He turns around, and you grip onto his love handles (let’s face it, Harry has no hips), and he starts moving forward while you just glide along. You giggle here and there because it really is a lot of fun. It was also impressive that he didn’t seem tired just pulling you along.

“Your dad and Y/N are really cute.” Caroline says to Andy.

“Huh?” He looks over at the two of you. Your arms were now just wrapped around Harry’s neck from behind and he had to lean down a bit because he was so much taller than you. You were laughing really hard. “Yeah, they are.” Andy shakes his head. “They’re really goofy.”

“You’re goofy too.” She nudges his shoulder. “You always make me laugh.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, you’re, like, super funny.”

“I am, aren’t I?” He smirks and it makes her laugh. “Come on.” He takes her hand and they continue to skate around the perimeter of the rink.

“Y/N, you’re starting to choke me.” Harry says and you let go of him.

“And here I was thinking you liked that, my bad.”

“Y/N.” He pulls you to the side as you laugh. “If Andy ever heard you, I-“

“Relax, he’s a little preoccupied.” You nod over to him and Caroline skating in a circle, holding hands and laughing. Harry looks at them and then you, and you kiss his cold nose.

“I’m gonna help you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…” He has you face forward and he put his hands on your hips (because you actually have hips), and he pushes you forward. “It’ll be like teaching a kid to ride a bike, just glide one foot at time with me.”

“Okay, but don’t let go like a parent would while teaching a kid to learn how to a ride a bike, I’ll never forgive you. All trust between us would be gone.”

“Okay, okay, Jesus.”

You end up getting the hang of it enough where you and Harry and can just hold hands and skate around. You stay close to the walls, but still, you’re doing it.

“Hey, Dad?” Andy says, skating over to you both. “Can I have some money for hot chocolate? We’re gonna take a break.”

“Sure.” He reaches into his pocket for his wallet, and takes out ten dollars for Andy. “Figured we could go downtown for a slice after, so don’t fill up.”

“Alright! Thanks.”

You sort of wished you could just pull Harry in for a kiss, and even make out with him, but you couldn’t with all the families around. You’d just have to wait. It doesn’t stop you from kissing his cheek every so often though. Harry didn’t mind one bit, he loved it when you were a little more affectionate in public.

“I told Andy you were in for the ski trip, by the way.” He mentions nonchalantly.

“Oh? Is he excited?”

“Very, he nearly squealed.” He chuckles. “I’ll tell Paige Friday when she comes to pick him up.”

“Why not just text her?”

“Eh.” He shrugs. “It can wait. I don’t really feel the need to chat with her all the time, you know?”

“Right, makes sense.”

Your ankles were killing you by the time you got your skates off, but you didn’t let on about it because everyone else seemed fine. You follow Harry downtown in your car to the pizza place, and sit in the booth with the kids while he gets all the food.

“Andy, why don’t you go help your dad carry everything over?”

“Okay.” He slides out and you smile as he does so. “Did you have fun with him earlier?” You ask Caroline.

“Yeah! I always have fun with Andy. He’s really nice.”

“I’m glad you both get along so well.”

“Me too, I was sort of hoping he’d ask me to be his girlfriend, I was so excited when he did.”

“I know he was excited to ask you.”

Harry and Andy come over with four slices of pizza, and a liter of diet and plastic cups. Harry snatches some napkins as well before sliding in next to you. The table was quiet as you all ate. It dawns on you that maybe you and Harry should have sat in a different booth to give the kids some more privacy, but it would look weird now to get up and move.

“Do they have free skate like that a lot?” Caroline asks.

“Yeah! Even throughout the summer since it’s an indoor rink.” Harry says.

“Good to know, I bet my sisters would wanna go sometime.”

“What grades are they all in?” You ask.

“My oldest sister, Emma, is a senior, and I think she’s planning on going to the university for school next year. My parents even said she could live there so she could get the full experience. And then my other sisters, Sophie and Charlotte are twins, they’re sophomores. I was sort of a surprise.” She giggles.

“Most kids are.” Harry says with a smile. “Good surprises though.” He leans forward to pinch Andy’s cheek and Andy swats his hand away immediately.

“That’s exciting that Emma wants to come to our school. I think we have a great curriculum across the board.” You say and the kids just blink at you. “Um, we have some great professors is all I mean.”

After pizza, you tell Harry you’ll meet him back at his place since he needed to bring Caroline home. Andy walks her to her door and they hug goodbye.

“I had a lot of fun today, Andy.”

“Me too. Um, we were thinking of going to that pottery place where you can’t paint stuff sometime. Is that something you think you’d wanna do?” He rubs the back of his neck.

“Definitely.” She smiles and hugs him again. This time she lingers and gives him a light peck on the cheek. “See you Monday.”

“Yeah…see you Monday.”

Harry saw the whole thing, and he was trying not to laugh at his wide eyed son as he came back to the car.

“Did you see?”

“I did.” Harry says as he backs out of the driveway.

“She kissed my cheek.”

“It was very nice of her.”

Andy presses his fingers where she had kissed him.

“Should I have done it to her?”

“Only if you felt like it.”

“I didn’t think she was gonna…I mean…wow.” He sighs happily. “Wait until I tell Brandon.”

You were inside the house already, reading something on your phone on the couch as you waited for them. You look up when you hear the door open. Andy’s face was flushed, but he had a smile on his face. He goes right to his room and closes his door.

“What happened?” You ask as Harry plops down next to you.

“Got a little smooch on the cheek, and now he needs to discuss the whole thing with Brandon.”

“How cute!” You pout. “Sorry I missed it.”

“I was really cute. She’s smooth, she went in for another hug and pecked him.”

“Ah, so he walked her to the door?”

“Course he did, I didn’t raise a degenerate.” Harry scoffs and you laugh. You snuggle up to him as he puts an arm around you.

“No, you certainly didn’t.” Harry kisses the top of your head and flips the TV on.

You were itching for some true alone time with Harry, so around eight you tell them both that you’re a little tired, and that you were going to turn in early. Harry watches as you go down the hall to his room.

“Andy, uh, why don’t you watch TV on your laptop in your room?”

“Why?”

“Because the noise from the TV could keep Y/N up. In fact, I might turn in early too. All the fun today really tuckered me out.”

“Whatever.” Andy shrugs and gets up to go to his room.

Harry plays it cool, not wanting to seem too eager, as he walks slowly behind him into his own room. He walks in and sees you just laying on the bed scrolling on your phone. He locks the door and comes over to you.

“You don’t look like you’re going to bed.”

“I just said that to get you to come in here, glad you picked up on the hint.” You set your phone down, and he takes his glasses off. The second he’s on the bed you’re straddling him. “Where’s Andy?”

“I told him to go watch TV on his computer.”

You grin and lean down to kiss him. You suck on his top lip first and then his bottom. His hands slide down to your ass, and he tries to get his hands inside your jeans to untuck your shirt, but he gives you a wedgie by accident.

“Oh! Stop!” You sit up.

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m wearing a fucking bodysuit.”

“Oh shit, sorry.” He chuckles. “I was gonna say your shirt’s really stuck in there.”

“I wanna kiss for a bit before we get naked, is that okay?”

“Yeah.” He smiles and cups your cheek, bringing you back down to him.

You lick in his mouth and roll your hips down on his. His hands splay across your back as he keeps you close. You kiss along his jaw, and sponge kisses to his neck. You know you can sink your teeth in, so you just lick and suck gently. He moans softly as you grind against him.

“Y/N.” He groans. “Can we get naked now?”

//

Friday evening Paige swings by to pick up Andy for the weekend. She comes in to not be out in the cold. You were hanging out in some sweats since you couldn’t wait to change after you got home from work.

“Hi, Y/N.” Paige smiles.

“Hi, how are you?”

“I’m good, thanks. Ready to go?” She says to Andy as he comes out with his duffle.

“Mhm, hi, Mum.” He gives her a quick hug.

“Hi, honey.”

“So, Paige, uh, Y/N’s gonna join us in a few weeks up at the cabin.” Harry says as he walks closer to her with his hands in his pockets.

“Oh, that’s great! Y/N, you’re gonna have so much fun. We ski up at Cranmore, it’s a fantastic mountain.”

“I’ll take your word for it.”

“I’ll tell Noah and Rachel the second I get home.”

“What’s Gram gonna do while we’re there?” Andy asks.

“Auntie Allie and Uncle Ned are gonna come stay with her. She’ll be all taken care of.”

Andy nods and says goodbye to you and Harry before going out to the car.

“Any news on the girlfriend? Still going well?”

“She kissed him on the cheek last Saturday.”

“Oh my.” Paige chuckles. “Have you had a little chat with him yet? I really don’t wanna be the one to do it.”

“We’ve chatted, yeah.” Harry nods. “Mostly on asking before touching, that sort of thing, being respectful. I can’t go fully in depth with him yet, it’ll all go over his head I think.”

“I’m nervous about sticky sheets.” She whispers.

“Hasn’t happened here yet unless he’s gotten up before me to do his own laundry. Think we’re a ways away from that.”

“Oh, thank god.” She sighs with relief. “Okay, I’m headed out. Have a good weekend.” She turns to leave. “Oh! Happy almost birthday.”

“Thanks.”

“I’ll have some things for you Sunday when you come to get him. Rachel’s outdone herself for your gift.”

“I’m looking forward to it. Have a good weekend with him.”

“Thanks, bye, Y/N!” She waves off as she leaves.

Harry comes over to lounge on the couch and opens his arms for to come to him. You crawl up his body and settle on his chest.

“Still feeling a little yucky?” He asks. You had caught a little cold after ice skating last week.

“Just a little, but this helps a lot.” You nuzzle into his chest and he rubs your back.

“We don’t have to go out tomorrow night if you don’t feel up to it…”

“No! It’s your birthday weekend, we’re going out, don’t you worry about that. I’m sure I’ll feel better, baby.”

“Okay, just know there’s no pressure. M’only turning thirty-three.” He shrugs. “Remember when you got me flowers last year?”

“Yeah.” You chuckle.

“I think that was when I knew I really fucking liked you.”

“Oh stop.”

“I’m serious, it was the sweetest thing a colleague had ever done for me.”

“Maybe we need some new colleagues then.” You both laugh at that.

“And you brought me some coffee that morning too. I think I was able to keep those flowers alive for a couple of weeks. Tried to anyways.” He kisses the top of your head.

“You and your little budding crush.”

“Hey, it’s better than, ‘well, I was having sex with this guy and I thought of you to get off, so that’s how I knew I like you, Harry’.” You sit up slowly and glare at him while his smile grows. You huff and get off of him. “Oi, where are you going?” He chuckles.

“To the loveseat where I can curl up alone.” You snatch the blanket off the back of the couch and wrap it around yourself before sitting on the loveseat.

“Don’t be like that.”

“Nope, you ruined the moment.”

“It’s funny when you think about it.”

“I’d prefer not to, thanks.” You roll your eyes.

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry, alright? I was just teasing.”

“You’re always just teasing.” You say in a monotone voice.

Harry gets up from the couch and scoops you up from the loveseat before sitting down with you in his lap.

“There we are.” He says, kissing your temple.

“You’re annoying.”

“Too bad you’re stuck with me, huh?”

“Oh, am I?” You raise an eyebrow at him.

“Yup.” He smiles. “I’m afraid so.”

“Fine.” You sigh. “Can’t fight you much on it when you can so easily man-handle me.”

“Exactly.”

You chuckle and snuggle back into him. He plays with your hair and rubs your back until you fall asleep. It was some much needed rest.

//

Saturday morning you got up before Harry, somehow, and took a very long shower to clear out your sinuses. You had some work you needed to get done before dinner later, and he knew this, so once you’re out and your hair is dry, you go up to the loft to get some things done while he continues to snooze. Harry’s actual birthday is Monday so you didn’t feel too bad not spending every little second with him.

When you smell coffee from downstairs, you know he’s emerged. You hear the creaks of the stairs, and you turn to look at him.

“Hi, baby.” He says, holding two mugs. “Coffee?”

“Please, thank you. You don’t mind I’m using your space?” You take the mug from him and take a careful sip.

“What’s mine is yours, you know that.” He yawns as he goes over to sit on the loveseat.

“Are you attached to all the furniture in this house?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I couldn’t help myself, I was looking on the Bernie and Phil’s site, and saw these nice couches and loveseat sets. They all recline and there’s USB ports to charge your phones and stuff. Might be fun to go looking one of these days.”

“Sure, we could do that. The couch in the basement is really old, so I could put the furniture from the living room down there. I’d like to keep that couch because it’s a pull out.”

“That’s an excellent idea. It’ll be like upcycling in a way.”

“I’m planning to do some painting over our spring break. Andy’s been nagging me about the rooms being too dark or something.”

“Because they are. I was talking with him about it last month, and we both think a light grey for the living room would be perfect.”

“Are you suddenly telling me I have no taste?”

“No! You have taste…it’s just surprisingly manly.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” He chuckles as he sips his coffee.

“It’s just an oddly masculine home for such a…metro guy.”

“Metro guys are well sculpted and care too much about their appearances.”

“Harry, if even one of your nails is chipped you sit down and redo all of them, and you’re always so put together with what you wear. All I’m saying is, you would think a macho guy was living here, not that it bothers me.”

“I guess I just didn’t really put a ton of thought into the interior.” He shrugs. “I focused more on getting the outside of the home to look nice, and there were some structural things I had to take care of too.”

“Alright, so we’ll put up some fresh paint to liven the place up a bit, nothing too drastic. I think you’ll have fun looking at things with me. Just don’t say yes to every little thing I like, I don’t wanna takeover the house.”

“Sounds like a plan to me, darling.” He smiles and grabs one of his books to read. “Is it okay if I sit up here with you while you work?”

“I’d like that.”

You turn back to face the computer as he gets cozy with his book. You and Harry had become quite domestic, and you loved it. You loved being able to just be around someone in a comfortable silence. He told you once that the sound of you typing was pretty calming to him and he could concentrate on his book or whatever else he was doing just fine.

“It’s been an hour, you need to take a break.” He says to you.

“Harry.” You hum warningly.

“Your wrists will thank me later, come on, let’s have a proper breakfast.”

“I don’t wanna eat a lot since we’re eating out tonight.” You say, still typing away.

“Hit save, now.” You look at him and laugh before continuing to type.

“Was that supposed to be threatening?”

“Yes.”

“Mm, and how’d that work out for you?” He sighs as grips the back of the chair to wheel you away. “Hey!”

He reaches forward on the mouse and clicks save before looking at you.

“How’d that work out for you?” He smirks. “Come on we can have some eggs and toast or something.”

“Okay.”

You and Harry work together to make breakfast.

“What time are we going out tonight?”

“I thought we could be there for seven.” You shrug. “You’re still good with going to the Thai place?”

“Definitely, you know I’ll never say no to going there.”

Harry still had no idea everyone from the department would be joining, which made you very happy. It wasn’t necessarily a surprise party, but you thought it would be fun to get everyone together. A special version of game night.

“Great.” You smile. “Are you going to do any work today?”

“Nah, I have a bit of time before I need to work on my next manuscript, so I’m giving myself a break. I think in March I’ll start up on it. I’m even caught up on my grading.” He leans back in his chair and looks around. “I wouldn’t mind doing some work to the kitchen. I’d like to get some new cabinets.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, like, how do you think white cabinets would look with a colored backsplash? I like the granite that has, like, grey and mint in it, you know what I mean?” You nod. “Course that means I’d have to re-stain the floors in here. Can’t have dark floors with such a light kitchen.”

“What you’re talking about is very modern, which could look nice in a ranch.” You pucker your lips to think on it. “I personally love a white kitchen, it just takes more work to keep it clean.”

“I just think it could look really sleek, you know?”

“I agree.”

“It’s nice having someone to bounce ideas around with. I feel like I didn’t do much before because I couldn’t decide on my own.” He sounds a little somber, and then he clears his throat. “Well, if you’re gonna be working I might go to the gym for a bit. Would you mind?”

“No, babe, go right ahead.” You smile.

“Cool.” He gets up and clears the plates from the table before going to his room to change.

Harry liked having you in his home, and he liked that it was slowly becoming this shared space. He wished you’d just move in altogether, but he respected why you wanted to wait. He left things open so that if you decided to move in earlier than July then that would be perfectly fine, and you knew it. He was just grateful you didn’t want to find a different house because he quite liked this one. Just as you’re cleaning up the dishes he comes out in his workout clothes.

“I’ll see you later.” He says, kissing your cheek.

“Bye, babe.” You watch him leave, and then you had back upstairs to get some more work done.

//

Harry was dressed and right to go by quarter of seven. He was wearing this pair of pink dress pants, which looked exceptional on him particularly in the area of his ass, and white button up. You were still getting ready, wanting to look your best for him.

“Okay, I’m ready.” You smile as you step into the living room where he was puttering about. You were in a short green dress. He looks you up and down.

“Hmm.”

“What?”

“I can’t tell if those are real stockings or if you’ve got that garter on again.”

“I guess you’ll find out when we get back.” You wink at him and grab the keys and your coat.

“You look lovely, baby.”

“Thanks, you don’t look too shabby yourself.”

“Are you sure we need to go anywhere?” He puts his hands on your hips and gives you a squeeze.

“So eager.”

“You didn’t let me touch you all day!” He whines.

“I was busy!” You laugh. “You can have me all you want later, let’s go.”

You drive Harry to the restaurant and pull into a parking space. You hold his hand as you walk in, and tell the hostess you’re ‘the last of the Styles party’. Harry gives you a confused look as the hostess leads you to the back of the restaurant where the private dining area was.

“Hey, there he is!” Andre says, and Harry’s face grows into the brightest smile.

“Hey!” He says.

There was Janette, Andre, Mateo, Sandra, Lisa, and Lucas. The whole gang made it just for Harry.

“Thought it would be fun to have dinner with everyone, what do you think?” You ask him as you shrug your coat off.

“Think you’re brilliant as usual.”

You all sit down at the large round table provided. Drinks were ordered all around as were many appetizers and dishes to share. You wished there was a bar to go dancing at in the area, but then again your colleagues don’t need to know you like that. If the mood felt right you could always go to the bar you and Janette usually go to.

Harry keeps his hand on your thigh most of the night. He was having a great time, which made you happy. It was always a good time with this group. Without fail someone would make you laugh so hard you’d cry. Harry’s hand was distracting, though, you could tell he was almost searching for something. He really wanted to know if you were wearing standard tights or not. You were, but that doesn’t mean you weren’t wearing something cute underneath. You assume he’s figured it out when he feels your thigh enough to not feel any bare skin.

“Any special plans with Andy for your birthday, H?” Sandra asks.

“We’ll do cake Monday night most likely. He’s got a basketball game, so that’ll be fun.”

“How’s his little girlfriend doing?” Janette asks.

“She’s good, took ‘em ice skating last weekend. You should have seen it, they were pretty cute.”

“I can’t believe kids so young are dating.” Mateo says.

“It’s not real dating.” Harry says. “If it lasts longer than a couple of months I’ll be shocked. Kids like to act so grown up, you know?”

“It’s true, my daughter had a ‘boyfriend’ in seventh grade for, like, a week. I flipped out over nothing.” She laughs. “Eighth grade is when it gets serious, though, just a heads up.”

“That’s when they’re really teenagers.” Lisa says. “Will Andy be fourteen when he goes into eighth?”

“Yup.” Harry nods. “I’m dreading the true teen years. He’s already starting to get snippy about things, I’m trying just to live in the moment and enjoy him while he’s still sweet.”

“Does he ever get snippy with you, Y/N?” Andre asks.

“Her?!” Harry says before you have a chance to answer. “These two are in cahoots. He always listens to her.”

“That’s only because he sees me more as a friend. I don’t think he really sees me as a symbol of authority…” You say. “I’m sure if I really told him what to do he’d give me some bull about not being his mom or something.” You sip your drink.

“Think he’d only do that if he was really having an episode, don’t worry.” Harry gives your thigh a squeeze.

“And he does get snippy with me, but I try to bring things down to his level, and we usually come to some sort of compromise. He’s easy enough to read.”

“Just wait until he’s a hormonal teenager.” Sandra says. “He’ll be less easy to figure out.” She laughs.

“My kids are at that stage where they’re telling me things they used to get away with.” Lisa chimes in with a chuckle. “It’s best to do it over wine, but it’s pretty funny.”

Lisa tells a few funny stories about her kids to the table, and his has everyone roaring. Overall it was a good night. You had some cupcakes made, and everyone sings happy birthday to Harry. He blows out the candles and kisses your cheek before taking a cupcake. You both thank everyone for coming, and he can’t stop looking at you in the car on the ride home.

“Why are you staring, hm?” You side eye him.

“I just think you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen in my life, and I feel really lucky that by some chance our paths crossed.”

“Oh.” You swallow. “I wasn’t expecting such an articulate answer.” He hums his response and takes one of your hands in his and kisses your knuckles.

“Thank you for putting all that together, it was nice to be out with friends tonight.”

“My pleasure, baby.”

“So…what do you have planned for when we get back?”

“What do you mean?”

“Like, well, sometimes you like to get freaky with me.” He smirks.

“I keep all my freaky shit at home, you know that. The last thing Andy needs to find is a pair of handcuffs or my special candle.”

“Special candle?”

“You haven’t her yet.” You grin. “I was thinking Valentine’s Day could be at my place for that reason.”

“What, what makes it special?”

“It’s for dripping wax on people. It feels really good, you have no idea. Well, you will, I mean, if you want to.”

“What are you gonna do when you move in?”

“I’ll have to fucking lock the drawer, won’t I?” You both laugh at that. “I don’t really have anything special planned for tonight, just though you could do whatever you felt like.”

“You realize that means I’ll just be taking my time then.”

“Yes, and I’m willing to suffer to please you.” You pull into the garage and lean towards him so your lips ghost over his. “Just wanna be your good girl.”

You pull away before he can kiss you, and you giggle as you unbuckle your seatbelt. He chases you into the house, and into his bedroom before he catches you, wrapping his arms around you from behind and picking you up.

“Don’t make fun of me for saying that, it was in the heat of the moment.”

“Mm, a very heated moment.” You smile up at him. “I’m not making fun, I liked it.”

“Oh.” He clears his throat and lets you go. “Alright then.”

“Unzip me?”

His fingers skim the zipper and drag it down your back. You had a black lace bra on with your tights. The dress drops to the floor and he squints at your ass. You look over your shoulder and smirk.

“What?”

“These are really opaque, can’t even see what panties you got on.”

“Oh, well, that’s because I’m not wearing any.” You wiggle your bum at him. “Consider it one of your gifts to unwrap.”

“You need to stop spoiling me.” He says as he unclasps your bra.

“You deserve to be spoiled, Harry.”

He tugs you to his chest and kisses on your shoulder, your neck, and then your other shoulder. He sinks his teeth into your right shoulder and your head rolls back. One of his hands drifts up to your left breast, and his other hand cups your center.

“H-Harry.” You breathe. “Just take them off.”

He hums as he sponges kisses up your neck and he now uses both of his hands to grope and knead your breasts.

“Get on the bed for me.”

“Back or stomach?”

“Your back, please?”

You nod and get on the bed, propping yourself up on your elbows to watch him get undressed. Once he was only left in his boxers, he joins you. He hooks his fingers into your tights, and drags them down your legs. You lift your hips up to help him, and he tosses them somewhere once they’re all the way off. He leans forward to kiss your lips, three quick smooches, and then he opens your legs. He licks his lips and gets comfortable on his stomach in front of you, then he licks a flat stripe up your center to your clit. He does this a few times.

“M’surprised you didn’t want me on my knees for you.” You say with a shaky breath.

“Monday’s my actual birthday, save that thought for then, would you?”

You giggle and nod as he continues to lick and suck at your folds.

“Consider it filed away, sir.” You salute him and he smirks at you.

“I love you so fucking much.” He chuckles against you.

“I love you-ah!”

Harry fucks into you with his tongue while his thumb rubs at your clit. Your hands fly to his hair and you tug harshly. He groans into you as he continues to lick and suck on your center. Before you know it, you’re being flipped over. Harry pulls your ass back by the hips, so you know to prop yourself up on your elbows and knees. Two of his fingers slide into you from behind while his mouth goes right for your other hole.

“Harry.” You moan out, egging him on more.

He pumps in and out of you, the tips of his fingers brushing your g-spot. You had to be dripping for him, you could feel it on your inner thighs. His teeth nip at one of your cheeks, and he feels you squeeze around his fingers.

“Getting close, baby?” He smirks.

“Y-Yeah, please don’t stop.” You pant.

His other hand comes around to rub your clit, and the combination of things working you had you tipping you over the edge. You clutch at the blankets on the bed while you cry out for him. He kisses on your back while he slowly retracts his fingers.

“Shit.” You breathe as you get up to grab a condom. “Get on your back.”

Harry grins and does as you say. You rip the foil packet open and roll it down his length before swinging your leg over him. You line yourself up and sink down, making you both moan. His hands run up your stomach to your breasts, and he kneads them while you adjust to his size. You start moving your hips around, not exactly in circles, but around. In that song WAP, Megan Thee Stallion says she spells her name while she rides it, and you had heard the song for the first time in a while the other day while working, so it gave you the idea to try it for yourself. Harry could see the concentration on your face.

“What are you doing?” He chuckles. “Feels good, but what are-“

“I’m, oh fuck, I’m spelling my name.”

“You know I do the same thing when I eat you out…”

“Really?”

“Yeah, it helps me concentrate.”

“Well, aren’t we just two peas in a pod.” You chuckle and run your hands up and down his chest. You plant them flat on his pecs and take a breath.

You raise yourself almost completely off of him before slamming back down. He grunts and grips your hips, but he knows to just let you continue on your own. You keep doing this to build a rhythm until you’re essentially bouncing up and down on him.

“Can I move?” He asks through gritted teeth.

“Yeah, baby, move with me.”

He yanks you down to him so you’re chest to chest, and then his hands slide to your ass to get a really good grip while his essentially moves you on and off his hard cock. You sponge kisses on his neck and collar bone while you move along with him. Your clit was rubbing against him in the perfect way, not to mention the angle of his dick inside you was perfectly hitting your g-spot. You were moaning right into his ear, and it was driving him nuts. He loved knowing how good he could make you feel.

“Y/N.” He groans. “Tell me how it feels.”

“Soo good, Harry, so fucking good.” Your nails claw at his shoulders. “You’re the, oh my god, you’re the best I’ve ever had.”

“Shit, shit, shit.” Harry spills into the condom, but tries to keep you moving so you can get yours. You really caught him by surprise.

You squeeze around him and come undone, moaning out, and moving your lips over his. He sucks your bottom lip and it makes your eyes roll back. He slowly lifts you off his now sensitive prick. He discards the condom and lays next to you with a big smile on his face.

“What?” You coo as you push his hair back off his forehead.

“Can I tell you a secret?”

“Of course.”

“You’re the best I’ve ever had too.” He rubs your side up and down soothingly.

“You’re just saying that because I said it.” You mutter.

“No, Y/N, I really mean it. I’ve never wanted someone all the time like this. I mean, usually I’m pretty physically affectionate in my relationships, but…” He moves some of the matted hair away from your face. “I can’t explain it, I feel like we really have this connection, you know?”

“Yeah, like we just…fit.”

“Exactly.” He sighs and leans in to peck your lips.

Once you both get cleaned up and settled into bed, you work up the courage to ask Harry something that’s been on your mind.

“Baby?” You say.

“Mm?” He was wrapped around you already, face nestled into your hair.

“Do you think once spring rolls around, we could do another weekend in Boston? My friends are dying to meet you.”

“Oh, you mean Janette isn’t your only friend?” He teases and he scoff at him. “I’d love to do that. Suppose that’s one of the perks of Andy going to his mum’s every other weekend. We can just plan it for one of those.”

“I’d like to take him into town some time. We could take the bus down for the day and take him to the aquarium or something.”

“He’d love that, honestly. Oh! We could bring Brandon along, really make a day of it. I feel like they haven’t been hanging out as much because of Caroline…he needs to know that there’s a balance with friends and significant others.”

“Maybe he’s clingy just like his daddy.” You chuckle, and Harry pinches your hip.

“You know the more you say that the more I’m gonna start thinking you wanna call me that for real.”

“I don’t, I just think it’s funny to joke about. My best friend Nora and I joke about daddy all the time.”

“Oh really?” Harry chuckles into your hair.

“Mhm, we came up with a list of celebrities and made this fake awards show called the daddy awards when we were younger. We were texting at like one in the morning, and I was trying so hard not to laugh because I didn’t wanna wake up my roommate.”

“Tell me more about your friends, I wanna know everything.”

“Right now?”

“Mhm, I’m all ears.”

“Okay, well, there’s Nora, Mark, Claudia, and Darcy…”

//

  You decide to stay back at the house when Harry goes to pick up Andy from Paige’s. You didn’t know if he’d need to go inside to do presents with Rachel and Noah, and you weren’t really in the mood to see Lydia again since you told her off.

“Happy birthday, Uncle Harry!” Rachel beams at him as he enters the home.

“Thank you, sweetheart.” She hands him a card.

“Rach, give him a second to come through the door.” Noah chuckles. “Happy birthday.” He shakes Harry’s hand.

“Thanks, mate.”

Andy comes down the stairs with all of his things, and Paige comes out with some other gifts.

“I’ll just put those in the car, and open them tomorrow if that’s alright…” Harry says.

“Of course. It’s mostly some new sk-“

“Mum, no!” Rachel yells. “It needs to be a surprise.” She pouts.

“Okay, okay.” Paige chuckles.

Lydia comes into the living room with her arms crossed.

“Bye everyone.” Andy says as he goes through the rounds of hugs. “Love you, Gram.”

“I love you too, precious.” She kisses his forehead and smiles. “So, where’s your girlfriend, Harry?”

“She stayed back to get dinner started.” He says as he grabs the gifts from Paige. “I’ll tell her you asked for her, though, Lydia, that’s so nice of you.” Harry smiles at her, and then looks at Andy. “Ready?”

“Mhm.”

They both head out and get in the car quickly. Harry rolls his eyes to himself, and then takes a deep breath before driving off.

“How was your weekend?” He asks Andy.

“Good.” He shrugs. “Gram took me out for lunch yesterday.”

“That’s great! I’m glad you’re getting to spend so much time with her.”

“You are?”

“Yeah…I mean, just because she and I don’t exactly get along doesn’t mean that I don’t want you spending time with her. I think it’s important to do things with your grandparents if you’re able.”

“She took me and Rachel with her. We went to Friendly’s, it was actually pretty fun.”

“That’s good to hear.”

“How was your weekend?”

“Really good, Y/N got the department to take me out to dinner last night. It was nice hanging out with friends.”

“Dad?”

“Yeah?”

“I sort of have a…problem…”

“With what?”

“Um, well, I guess there’s a Valentine’s Day dance in a couple of weeks and I don’t know what to do.”

“They have dances for you so young?”

“I guess it’s a sixth through eighth grade thing. Last year they just had that craft party for us, remember?”

“Oh yeah, I came in to help for that I think. So what’s your problem?”

“I have nothing to wear! I don’t wanna wear my suit, it’s too formal.”

“Okay, so I’ll take you shopping.” Harry shrugs. “Are you gonna ask Caroline to be your valentine and all that?”

“Do I have to? She’s already my girlfriend.”

“You definitely need to because she’s your girlfriend. You need to ask her to the dance too.”

“I wanna go with my friends too…”

“You can! Tell you what, invite everyone over to take pictures at our place.”

“Really?”

“Sure, I used to love doing that with my friends.”

“What if I’m the only one with an actual date, won’t that be weird?”

“Not unless you make it weird. It should be fine.”

“When can we go shopping?”

“Let’s go next weekend, dance isn’t for two weeks right?”

“Yeah, it’s on a Friday. I told Mum already…Brandon said he might have a sleepover that night.”

“That sounds like a great weekend then.”

Harry gets Andy home to you, and they both take a big whiff of what you’re making.

“Whatever you’re cooking smells really good, Y/N.” Andy says.

“Thanks! I made butternut squash soup.” You smile. “It’s so col out today, and I figured it would be good leftovers for later in the week too.”

“I see my cook once eat twice policy is starting to rub off on you.” Harry kisses your cheek. “Only took you eight months, but I’ll let it slide.”

“Mhm.” You roll your eyes. “Go wash up.”

The three of you eat dinner, and Andy tells you about how he’ll need to go shopping for the dance. He goes to his room after dinner to work on a card for Caroline.

The next morning, you grin when you hear Harry’s alarm go off. Usually he would get up to do yoga in the loft so you could sleep, but this morning you immediately roll over on top of him. He chuckles slightly as you start kissing on him.

“What are you doing?” He whispers.

“Happy birthday.” You whisper back.

You stay under the covers as you work your way down his body. You may not like Harry’s head between your legs first thing in the morning, but he had absolutely no problem with it. He moves the blanket so he could see your head. He knew you’d be too cold if he took it away completely.

You lick over his tip and around his shaft before sinking down on him. He expects you to move, but when he looks down at you, you’re looking up at him, waiting.

“Are you serious?”

“Mhm.”

“God, I love you.”

He gently grips your jaw in both of his hands and starts fucking your mouth. He grunts and groans, especially when you choke around him in the beginning. You widen your throat as much as you can as you relax around him. It wasn’t something you did often, but you knew he’d really appreciate it this morning. Your nails dig into his thighs, and your eyes flutter closed as you concentrate on breathing through your nose.

“Fuck, baby.” He moans. “So good, so fucking good.”

You knew he was trying to be quiet in case Andy happened to get up early and was roaming around the house. You would typically keep morning sex in the bathroom if Andy was home just out of respect. But it was Harry’s birthday, after all.

“I’m close, Y/N, just hold on.” He pants, and you appreciate his courtesy. He knew your jaw had to be getting tired, and your throat had to be getting sore. “Fuck, I’m gonna come.” He grits his teeth and bites into his bottom lip harshly to keep quiet as he shoots his load down your throat.

Your eyes are watery, and you’re about ready to start gagging, but he lifts your mouth off him, and you can breathe properly again. You swallow everything and smile at him.

“What a way to wake up, I feel dizzy.” He chuckles and brings you down to him, holding you close. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” It comes out raspy, and for once he doesn’t tease you. You nuzzle into his neck and kiss on him for a bit before letting him get up.

“Do you wanna do some yoga with me?”

“No, I think I’ll take my shower while you do that.”

“Alright, love.” He kisses you and you both get up to start your day.

You get Andy up and get breakfast going while Harry gets in the shower. You even get the pasta boiled and set in the glass pan with the sauce for tonight’s baked ziti.

“Happy birthday, Dad!” Andy exclaims.

“Thanks, buddy.” Harry looks around the kitchen in awe. “You…got everything together already?”

“Yeah.” You shrug and hand him a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast.

“Thank you.” He gives you a soft smile. “And thanks for getting this one up.” He nods towards Andy.

“She’s nice than you, she doesn’t take my blanket away.” Andy sticks his tongue out at Harry, and Harry sticks his tongue back at him.

“Alright, boys.” You say and sit down. “I would prefer to not gag while eating my oatmeal, thank you.”

“He started it.” Andy says.

“Well, I’m finishing it, how’s that grab ya?” You say, and Harry bursts out laughing. You look behind you to see him wheezing.

“I’m sorry, it was the accent that sent me!” He can barely catch his breath, and it makes Andy laugh too.

��Kay, bruv.” You say and stand up. “I’m going to work.”

“No, come on, don’t be like that. We can carpool.” He says, wiping his eyes.

“What does that even mean? ‘How’s that grab ya’?” Andy says.

“I don’t know, it’s just something my dad used to say to shut us up.” You shrug. “Seriously, can we get going?”

“Yeah.” Harry says. “You ready?” He says to Andy.

“Mhm.”

Harry drives everyone, and Andy hops out of the car to head into school.

“Okay, now that he’s gone, can you not do that again?”

“Do what?”

“Laugh at me when I’m being authoritative. How’s he supposed to take me seriously if you don’t?”

“You have to admit the way you said and phrased that was funny? And it’s not like he and I were having a legitimate argument. We were just palling around, you know?”

“Well, either way, can you not do that again? I felt a little…disrespected, Harry.”

“Oh.” He moves his hand to your thigh to give you a squeeze. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel that way. I’m still getting used to all this, babe.”

“What?”

“Raising him with someone that’s right there. I mean, you helped with so much this morning, and it was such a relief. I hope you know how much I appreciate you.”

“You really see me as helping to raise him?”

“Well…yeah…I wouldn’t let just anyone tell him what to do. I trust your judgement with him, especially after how amazing you did alone with him for so long.”

“Oh…okay then.” You your hand over his and give it a little rub. “I mean, I know I’m not his mom or anything, but-“

“But at some point I’d like you to be his step-mom, so you’re valid here. I’ll try not to lose it like that again, okay?”

“Okay.” Your cheeks were red now. “Um, I suppose my tone was a little funny.”

“Just a little.” He smirks and takes your hand to kiss it. “I love how much you care about Andy, and I know it’s probably hard to tell your place in all of it sometimes.”

“Yeah, sometimes. It’s only been eight months between us, and I haven’t been a parent for almost twelve years like you have. I feel underqualified, if that makes sense.”

“Don’t.” He shakes his head. “You’re more than qualified, more so than anyone else I’ve tried to bring into his life, trust me.” He parks his car in the faculty lot and looks at you. “If I didn’t think you could handle him, the whole situation, I wouldn’t have dragged you into it, Y/N, no matter how much I liked you.”

“Well, I’m glad you did. Drag me along all you want.” You lean in enough that your noses touch and you peck his lips. “I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy before.”

“Me neither.”

//

Andy was waiting by his locker for Caroline. She would usually meet up with him at his so they could walk to homeroom together. He smiles when he sees her walking towards him.

“Morning, Andy.” She says, hugging him.

“Morning.” He smiles. “I, uh, have something for you…” He reaches into his backpack for the card he made her.

“You do?”

“Mhm, here.” It was pink and red and had glitter on it. Her eyes widen as she opens it. “I know it’s early to ask, but I just wanted to make sure you knew I wanted to go to the dance with you and all that.”

“Oh, Andy.” She smiles. “Of course I’ll be your valentine, and I’d love to go to the dance with you!” She throws her arms around him again and kisses his cheek. “This is so sweet, thank you.”

“Um, great! My dad said everyone could come to our house for pictures and stuff.”

“Do you think Tyler and Brandon will have dates?” She asks as they head to homeroom.

“I have no…oh you’ve got to be kidding me.”

“What?”

“Brandon’s talking with Molly at her locker.” He rolls his eyes. “Look at them! Jesus.”

“What’s so bad about that?”

“They were boyfriend and girlfriend at the beginning of the school year, but it didn’t work out. I hope he’s not getting back together with.”

“Why?”

“She was annoying, Caroline, you have no idea.”

They both sit in their seats. Andy lets Tyler know about the dance plans before Brandon sits down.

“Hey.” Brandon says with a smirk on his face. “Guess who has a date to the dance?”

“You are back with Molly.” Andy says with furrowed brows.

“Yeah, I’m giving it another go with her.” He shrugs. “Can’t really remember why we broke up in the first place.” It was a blatant lie, but Brandon wasn’t going to get into it with Andy right now.

“Good for you.” Andy mumbles. “My dad said everyone can come over for pictures before the dance…so I guess she can come too.”

“Thanks.” He smiles. “Still wanna sleep over after?”

“Yeah.”

“Tyler, you know Molly’s friend Alexis, right?”

“Yeah, why?”

“You could go with her if you want since Andy’s going with Caroline.”

“Sure! Sounds good to me.” Tyler shrugs.

Andy side eyes Brandon.

“What? You are going with your girlfriend to the dance, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, I asked her this morning. Don’t you think it’ll be awkward for Alexis to come to my house?”

“Please, all of that’s in the past. It’ll be fine, Andy, chill out.”

“You chill out.”

“I’m plenty chill. Cooler than a cucumber, actually.” Brandon sits back in his seat and crosses his arms behind his head.

“Good for you.” Andy mumbles and faces forward. Caroline turns around slightly to smile at him and he smiles back.

//

Harry’s birthday was good all around. He enjoyed all of the gifts he got from his family and friends. You got him a gift certificate to his favorite nail salon so he could get a spa manicure and pedicure at some point, and Andy got him a new face mask kit. He was extremely grateful. He loved having you there to sing happy birthday with Andy. He didn’t need to make much of a wish when he blew out his candles, he was already getting exactly what he wanted.

//

“No, Dad, that’s so ugly!” Andy was nearly in tears while he and Harry were shopping. You had gone home to get some work done, so you couldn’t be there, but Harry wished you were, he was beside himself.

“Since when do you not agree with my taste in clothes?!” Harry really didn’t want to be arguing with his son at a fucking Old Navy on a Saturday afternoon, but there they were. “You said you didn’t want to go to Macy’s because their clothes are too fancy, so you need to find something here.”

“Just let me go around the store myself!”

“Fine! Come get me when you’re ready to try things on.”

“I don’t need you for that either!”

“Yes you do! You’ll need a second opinion, and I have to do that thing where you tug at the pants to make sure you have room to grow in them.”

“No, I hate that.” He whines. “It’s embarrassing.”

“Every parent does it! I’m gonna go sit outside the dressing rooms. Go find some clothes.” Harry huffs and storms away from his son. He sits down rubs at his temples.

Harry: really wish you were shopping with us

You: why? What’s wrong?

Harry: he’s being a little brat! Suddenly the clothes I think would like nice on him are ugly

You: well of course they are, don’t you know how this works?

Harry: apparently not!

You: just let him pick out his clothes on his own

Harry: I am…

You: okay so it’ll sort itself out…I can try to come over later, maybe he can do a fashion show for me

Harry: no it’s okay, I know you have work to do

You: maybe tomorrow then…just try to get through it, you’ll laugh about it someday

Harry: someday can’t come soon enough

“See, these are the dress shirts I like.” Andy says as he comes up to Harry. “And no one wears nice slacks to school dances, they wear khakis…it’s just a valentine’s dance.”

“Go try it on, now.” Andy rolls his eyes and goes into the changing room. “And you better come out to show me or I’m not buying you a single thing.”

“Okay!” Andy slams the door shut and takes a deep breath.

He comes out to show Harry himself in a pair of khakis and a nice blue button up with the sleeves rolled up.

“Do you need a tie or anything?” Harry asks as he tugs on various parts of the clothes to make sure they fit properly. “How do these pants fit, can you move alright? Gotta make sure you can dance comfortably.” He tugs at the waist and Andy swats his hand away.

“Stop! They fit fine, Dad. Does someone do that to you when you try on clothes?!”

“I do it for myself, actually. I’m also done growing, as opposed to you. These could easily not fit in a month with the way you’re growing.”

“Well, they fit now, so-“

“You know what? Let’s get Mum’s opinion on this, come on.”

“What are you doing?!” Harry pushes Andy into the dressing room with him.

“I’m not gonna make a scene in front of some strangers, hold on.” He swipes his phone to FaceTime Paige, and has a growing smirk on his face.

“Dad, please!”

“Hold on, she should have a say in this.”

“Harry, why in the hell are you FaceTiming me?” She chuckles.

“Because our son is having a fashion dilemma, hold on.” He flips the camera on a very aggravated Andy. “What do you think of this for the valentine’s dance?”

“Oh! You look so handsome, honey! Do you need a tie?”

“No!” He pouts and crosses his arms.

“Turn around so I can see the back of the pants. Harry, did you tug on them?”

“I did. Go on, turn around so Mum can see the whole thing.”

Andy groans, but does as he’s told.

“Well, I think it would be great for the dance. I like the sleeves pushed up like that too, very cute.”

“Okay, we all agree on the outfit, can I have some privacy to change now?”

“Sure.” Harry says and leaves the dressing room. “Thanks, he’s driving me bananas.”

“Well, anytime you wanna embarrass him, I’m more than happy to help.” She laughs. “I’m good to come by Friday during the picture taking?”

“Of course. It’s his first real dance, after all.”

“You know,” Andy says, coming out of the dressing room. “you look like a real boomer walking around FaceTiming in public without any headphones in.” He smirks. “It’s rude.”

“He’s right, Har.”

“Shit, wouldn’t wanna look like a boomer now would I? Better go, Mum.”

“Talk to you later, Dad.”

Harry shoves his phone in his pocket and takes the clothes Andy wants up to the register.

“You have shoes, yeah?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, anything else you need?”

“No, I wanna go home now.”

“Andy…”

“That’ll be $45.20.” The young cashier says.

“You know what, I have a coupon on my phone, one second.” Harry gets his phone out again and shows the girl so she can scan it.

“Alright, your new total is $33.40.” She smiles.

“Excellent!” Harry inserts his card into the chip reader.

“It’s so nice of you to take your little brother shopping.”

“Oh, um, he’s not my…this is my son.”

“No way, you don’t look old enough to be a dad.” She flirts.

“That’s, uh, very nice of you to say.” Harry clears his throat and takes his card back. “You can just throw the receipt in the bag.”

“Sure thing.” She hands him the bag. “Have a nice day.”

“Dad, no offense, but you look way too old to be my older brother.” Andy laughs. “That girl must’ve been desperate for your number.”

“That girl was way too young to be flirting with me.” He shakes his head.

“Dad, I’m sorry if I was acting bratty in the store. I don’t know why I get like this…”

“You’re hormonal, and you’re at an age where everything I do is embarrassing.” Harry turns around to look at Andy. “It’s okay, we’re okay.” He smiles. “You’re gonna look really handsome in your new clothes.”

“Thanks, Dad.”

//

“Mum, please!” Andy swats her hands away because she wouldn’t stop pinching his cheeks.

“I can’t help it, you just look so handsome! My little baby, going to his first dance.”

“Better to let her act like this now before all your friends get here.” Harry says.

“Remind me again, what time am I picking you up from Brandon’s tomorrow?” Paige asks.

“Um, like ten probably.” He shrugs.

“Okay, Andy stand with Mum so I can take your picture.”

Andy rolls his eyes, but he poses with Paige nonetheless.

“I can take one of the three of you if you like.” You say.

“Oh, that’d be great, Y/N!” Paige says. “I’m so sad Noah couldn’t be here. Rachel’s school does a father-daughter dance for Valentine’s Day. She looked so precious in her dress.”

The three of them pose together.

“Can I have one with you two?” Andy says to you and Harry.

“Here, I’ll take it.” Paige takes your phone and snaps the photo. “Andy take one of just you and Dad and then one of you and Y/N.”

The doorbell rings, and Andy feels a flood of relief when he sees that it’s Brandon.

“Thank god, my parents are being super embarrassing.” Andy says to him.

“Mine are too. I had to take a picture with my mom.” Brandon groans.

“Me too!” Andy takes a step back to look at Brandon. “You, uh, you look nice.”

“Thanks, so do you.” They were both blushing, but the doorbell rings again, so it pulls their attention from each other.

It was Caroline, and Andy’s heart stopped. Her hair was half up, and it looked pretty with waves. She was wearing a simple blue dress. She and Andy hadn’t even talked about coordinating, they just did by accident.

“Great minds think alike, huh.” She blushes as she walks up to him.

“You…you look so pretty, Caroline.”

“Thank you.”

Brandon’s eyes were about ready to roll out of his head. Eventually Tyler, Alexis, and Molly all show up. All of the parents gather around to take a ton of pictures of everyone. Andy and Tyler get a photo just the two of them, as do all of the respective dates.

Paige takes Andy, Caroline, and Tyler in her car, and the others go with Brandon’s dad.

“They all looked so cute.” You say with a sigh.

“I know.” Harry pulls you down onto the couch with him. “I just hope they all have a good time.”

//

The dance was…awkward to say the least. Each grade pretty much took a section of the cafeteria and stood around. No one was dancing to the music, and anyone that started to just looked awkward. There were teachers everywhere chaperoning.

“I thought dances were supposed to have punch bowls and snacks. All they have over there are bottles of water that you need money for.” Tyler says. “Did anyone’s parents give them any money?” Everyone shakes their heads no.

“I don’t get why no one’s dancing…” Molly says as she looks over at the eighth graders. “Even the older kids are just standing around.”

“Maybe if they played better music.” Andy says.

“It’s the beginning of the night, they have to get all of the lame songs out of the way.” Caroline says. “It’ll get better.”

And it did. About an hour in the music picked up, and the lights got dimmer, so everything was less embarrassing. Everyone was having fun dancing in a group. Towards the end of the night, just like at any dance, Stairway to Heaven starts to play, and everyone pairs up.

Caroline puts her hands on Andy’s shoulders, and he hesitates at first.

“You can put your hands on my waist if you want.”

“Oh, okay.” He nods and does so gently. There was plenty of space between them as they swayed back and forth. “Did you have a good time tonight?”

“Yeah, did you?”

“Mhm.”

“I’m really glad Molly and Alexis came too. They invited me to their sleepover.”

“That’s great!” Andy glances over at Molly and Brandon and sees that they’re dancing much closer. “Um, do you wanna, like, put your head on my shoulder?”

“Okay.”

They dance closer like a lot of other people. Andy and Brandon make eye contact, and it’s a little intense. Andy watches as Molly kisses his cheek, and then…he sees Brandon kiss her quickly on the mouth.

“Jerk.” Andy scoffs.

“Huh?” Caroline looks up at him.

“Oh, nothing.” He smiles at her.

She keeps looking up at him, almost like she was waiting for something.

“You can kiss me, if you want to.” Andy leans in and kisses Caroline on the cheek and then smiles nervously at her. “That was nice.” She giggles. “But I was sort of hoping, um…”

“I just don’t wanna do it in such a public place, it’s not special.”

“Oh.” She blushes. “That’s actually really sweet.” She hugs him close as they keep dancing.

Once the song is over, everyone goes outside to wait for their parents. Andy gets into Harry’s car. You were sitting in the passenger seat.

“Well, how was it?” Harry asks.

“Fine.”

“Just fine?” Harry questions him.

“Um, Andy, Dad and I started this puzzle tonight, it’s one-thousand pieces! It’s gonna be a tough one, but when we’re done it’s gonna be this really pretty lake scene.”

“You guys had the night off from me and all you did was work on a puzzle?”

“What would you have liked us to do instead?” You chuckle.

“Don’t knock a puzzle, it was actually really romantic. We listened to music, had some wine. It was a perfect Valentine’s Day.” You also got a couple of quickies in, but obviously Andy didn’t need to know that.  

“Oh, well, good for you guys.”

It was clear Andy wasn’t up to talking about his evening, so you and Harry didn’t press him. Once you were all inside, Andy tugs you into his room with him when he sees Harry step into the bathroom.

“We don’t have much time.” He whispers as he gets his things together to bring to Brandon’s.

“For what?” You whisper back.

“To talk about the dance.”

“Okay…what happened?”

“Caroline said I could kiss her so I kissed her cheek, but she really wanted me to kiss her and I told her I didn’t want to in front of everyone and she told me that was really sweet.”

“Well, it was really sweet.”

“I wanted to kiss her, but I saw Brandon and Molly kiss, and I wanted hit him.”

“You wanted to hit Brandon?!”

“Shh!” He puts his finger up to his lips. “Yeah, he’s been such a jerk since he got back with Molly. We were looking at each other and he looked at me while he kissed her.”

“Is it just you sleeping over tonight?”

“No, Tyler’s gonna be there too.” Andy rolls his sleeping back up. “I-“ Andy’s eyes widen when he sees Harry in the doorway. You turn around to look at Harry.

“Um…everything alright in here?”

“Yeah, Dad, uh…Y/N was just helping me roll my sleeping bag. She’s gotten pretty good at it since you showed her how. Let’s go, bye, Y/N.”

Andy brushes by you and Harry.

“Is he alright?” Harry whispers.

“I can’t tell…I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Let me take him alone to Brandon’s, maybe he’ll talk one on one.”

“Wait…let me take him. He was opening up to me.”

“Will you please let me know what’s going on afterwards?”

“Yes.” You rush out and grab the keys. “Andy, I’m gonna bring you to Brandon’s.”

“Okay.”

Once you’re both in the car, Andy speaks up again.

“Y/N I like Caroline a lot, but…” He starts tearing up. “I feel really guilty.”

“About what, honey?” You hadn’t really called him that before, but you felt like he needed it.

“Because…I think I wanna kiss Brandon.”

“Oh, Andy.”

“But I also wanna kiss Caroline! But I don’t know if I want her to be my first kiss, you know?”

You pull up to Brandon’s house and turn around to look at Andy.

“Promise me something, Andy.”

“What?”

“Don’t rush into anything. I know it feels like everyone’s doing things, but just because your friends are kissing doesn’t mean that you need to. Don’t let anyone pressure you. If Caroline really likes you, she’ll understand if you want to wait. Also, if you like someone else, you shouldn’t string her along.”

“But I really like her! I just…I like Brandon too.”

“Are you sure you want to go in there tonight? I can take you home if this is all too much.”

“No, I wanna go inside. I’ll be fine. I’m just freaking out for no reason.”

“Andy…”

“Thanks for driving me, see you soon.”

Andy gets out of the car and heads into Brandon’s house. You explain things best you can to Harry when you get back.

“This ski trip can’t come soon enough, he needs some time away from everyone.” Harry says. “Poor kid.”

//

“Andy, how come you didn’t kiss Caroline?” Tyler asks him as they were all hanging out in Brandon’s room.

“I did.”

“You only kissed her on the cheek.” Brandon says.

“Why was everyone watching?!” Andy groans. “I just think something like that should happen in private.” He shrugs. “I’m really tired, can we go to sleep now?”

It was nearly midnight. The other boys agree. Brandon gets settled into his bed, and the other boys get into their sleeping bags.

“Andy, you can come on the bed with me, there’s plenty of room.”

“But then Tyler would be left out, it’s fine.”

“But you always-“

“I’m more comfortable on the floor, B.”

“I’ll take the bed.” Tyler says and comes up onto the bed with Brandon.

There was tension in the air. Andy couldn’t wait for February break.

//

Andy made it through another week of school. Caroline hadn’t pressed him about kissing, which he was thankful for.

“So…you’re doing the big family trip thing again, huh?” Brandon asks on Friday at their lockers.

“Yup, but Y/N’s coming this time, so that’ll be fun. It’s gonna be her first time skiing since she was our age or something. My dad’s gonna take a lesson with her.”

“That’s nice of him.”

“Mhm.”

“When do you get back?”

“Next Friday…we’re going early tomorrow morning.”

“Maybe we can hang out when you get back.”

“Yeah, sure.”

“You know you can call me or whatever if Rachel or Noah get on your nerves.”

“They’ve been on my nerves less lately, actually, but thanks.” This would normally be the part where they hug, but Caroline comes over to them.

“Andy, wanna walk me outside so we can say goodbye?”

“Yeah.” He smiles at her and takes her hand. “Have a good break, B.”

//

You were making Andy feel better already. You had put a mix of early 2000’s hits on, and you were singing really obnoxiously. Harry hated this kind of music, but you knew it would make Andy laugh, so Harry sucked it up for his sake.

“Okay, I’m gonna turn it down for a bit, we might scare the neighbors.” Harry says. “We’re just about there.”

The three of you get into the cabin, and Andy races to go claim his bunk before Rachel gets there. Harry shows you to which room would be yours.

“See, we even have our bathroom, babe. Total privacy.”

“Harry, once again, I’m not boning you while we’re under the same roof as-“

“Hello! We’re here!”

“Them.” You say.

“You say that now, but you’ll be wanting me after you see me on the slopes.” He pinches your butt before leaving the room to go greet everyone. “Hey, everyone!”

“Y/N, would you like to come grocery shopping with me?” Paige asks. “Gotta stock up on all the good stuff for the kids.”

“Oh, um, sure, I could tag along.”

“Great.” She smiles. “Better to get it all done now, and then we can just relax the rest of the day.” She kisses Noah’s cheek. “Be back soon!”

“Uncle Harry, I brought all new colors to paint our nails with this year. Wanna do it tonight?”

“Sure, I think that’s a great idea.” He smiles at her. “You better go see what bunk Andy left you with.”

“Oh shoot, you’re right!”

“So…how’s fifth grade treating her?” Harry asks Noah.

“Pretty good, actually. She loves her friends, although she’s closer with some of the kids at her Hebrew school. She can relate to them a little better.”

“Where are Mum and Y/N?” Andy asks as he comes out to the living room with Rachel.

“They went grocery shopping.” Harry says.

“Together?!” Andy was nervous you might fill his mother in on everything, but you wouldn’t do that.

“Yeah, they’re gonna get all your favorites.” Noah says.

That night Harry sits at the table with Rachel so they can do each other’s nails. You end up on the couch with Noah and Paige to watch some TV. Andy comes over, and almost automatically lays his head in your lap with a pillow, and you mindlessly start playing with his hair. He puts his feet up on Paige’s lap. It was a bit odd for Paige since Andy rarely let her play with his hair anymore, but the closeness was nice nonetheless.

“Are you excited to ski tomorrow?” Harry asks as you get ready for bed later.

“A little…I’m more nervous than anything.”

“No need to be nervous, baby. I’ll be right there with you.”

“And you’re okay wasting an entire day just to take a lesson and hang on the bunny trail with me?”

“It won’t be a waste! Noah’s gonna be at the bunny trail with Rachel too. Paige is gonna go on the longer runs with Andy. It’ll all work out great.” He gives you a smooch before wrapping himself around you.

//

“Have I told you enough times how cute you look in your gear?” Harry asks as you wait outside in the beginner skier area.

“Once or twice.” You giggle. “Thank you.”

“I hope you have fun, babe. If not, you can go to the pool the rest of the week and I won’t even complain.”

“Seems fair enough to me.”

“Good morning everyone!” A young man starts. “I’m Trevor, I’ll be your instructor this morning.”

Trevor goes over the basics, getting the skis on and off, walking around with one on at a time, turning with one on a time. You were working up quite the sweat. Eventually, Trevor takes everyone over to the bunny hill, and he explains how to step onto the belt so you don’t fall backwards.  

“Great work today everybody, have fun!”

“Okay, are you ready to try going down?” Harry says to you. “I’ll be right beside you the whole way.”

“Yeah, let’s do it.”

You start squatting as you push off, but Harry grabs you.

“Don’t do that.”

“What?”

“Go that low. Stand up straight, or you’ll go way too fast and you’ll have trouble stopping.”

“Maybe you should have given the lesson.”

“He’s just some college kid making a quick buck, he did his best.”

You take a deep breath and push off with Harry. He stays beside you and you’re glad you listened to him because you still whipped down the hill even while standing up straight.

“That was great! How do you feel?”

“Um…definitely won’t be going on the chairlift anytime soon.” You chuckle. “Perhaps I’ll be hanging with Rachel this week.”

“No worries. You’ll get the hang of it. I’m really proud of you for trying. Ready to give it another go?”

“Yeah, let’s go again.”

Your legs were extremely sore by the end of the day. Paige and Noah volunteered to cook while you sat in front of the fire with Harry. The kids were playing a board game, and Harry was rubbing your shins. You didn’t even have to ask.

“Dad, can we go to the pool after dinner?”

“Sure, we could go for a bit.” Harry nods. “Feel like swimming?” He asks you.

“No, I’ll stay here and read I think. I’m a little tired. Maybe tomorrow though.”

“I’ll go with you, H. Wouldn’t mind some time in that hot tub.” Noah says.

So then after dinner, it was just you and Paige hanging out. You wanted to go to your room and just veg out alone, but you also didn’t want to be rude.

“I’m really glad you were able to come this year.” Paige says to you. “It’s really nice seeing you and Harry together.”

“Oh, um, thanks. I was happy to be invited. My classes are doing some online work this week. I bet a lot of them went out skiing to the mountains closer by.”

“So, was today your first day of skiing ever?”

“I tried it when I was younger, but haven’t since. It was fun, but I’m definitely tired. Did you have a nice day with Andy?”

“I did! It was nice for us to go on the lifts together and just be together. We had a nice lunch together too.”

“That’s great.” You say with a yawn. “Excuse me.” You chuckle. “I think I might turn in early.”

“No worries, go ahead.” She smiles.

“Goodnight.”

“Night, Y/N.”

You get into a large tee shirt and settle into bed with a book. When Harry gets back from the pool he sees you passed out with the lights on and your book on your chest. He takes a quick shower to rinse off and then he gets into bed with you. You turn over so he can hold you, and he snuggles right in.

“Love you, baby.” You say in a sleepy voice.

“Love you too.” He kisses your head and you sigh.

//

The next morning you hear rustling and sit up to see Harry doing some yoga. You giggle at him and he turns to see you.

“Make fun all you want, but it really gets me ready for the day.”

“I didn’t say a thing.”

You get out of bed and throw on some sweatpants and a sweatshirt, both Harry’s after doing your thing in the bathroom. You both go out to the kitchen and get some coffee started for everyone. He wraps his arms around you from behind as you both look outside at the fresh snow.

“This is the life, isn’t it?” He says as he kisses your cheek.

“Can’t complain too much.”

“You were so cute last night when I got back. You had completely passed out.”

“I was tired! My legs were killing me.”

“How do they feel now?”

“Fine, I should be able to get back on the bunny hill. Don’t feel like you need to babysit me or anything.”

“I’ll spend the morning with you just to make sure you’re good to go, and then I’ll do a couple of runs down the black diamonds.”

You turn your face and pucker lips. He smiles and then leans in to kiss you.

“Oh! Um, good morning.” Paige says as she walks into the kitchen with Noah. You start to move away from Harry out of instinct, but he keeps his arms wrapped around you.

“Morning, we made coffee.” Harry says.

“Thanks, I was thinking of making pancakes for the kids, that work for you two?” Noah asks.

“Sure.” You say and tap Harry’s hands so he’ll let you go, which his does reluctantly.

The kids emerge just as Noah’s finishing the last batch of pancakes. Everyone scarfs the food down, and you discuss who’s going with who for the day. Noah and Paige are going to ski with Rachel, and Harry and Andy are going to go with you.

“Were you alright in there this morning?” Harry asks you as you both get your ski clothes on.

“Yeah, why?”

“You stopped letting me hold you, like, the second they walked in.”

“I just felt a little…weird, I don’t know. I feel like a teenager on a family trip with my parents and boyfriend for some reason.”

“We’re all adults, babe, you don’t need to feel that way.”

“They’re not exactly showing off…”

“That’s because they don’t have a hot young thing on their arm like I do.” He smirks and puts his hands on your hips.

“You make it sound like I’m twenty years old, or like you’re forty. You’re not that much older than me.”

“Six years is a decent gap. I mean, think about it. When I was in my first year of uni, you were in the eighth grade.”

“Hm, good point, maybe I should call you Daddy more.” You wink and walk away from him to put your hair up into a braid.

“Save it for when we have kids.” He gives your bum a smack before leaving the bedroom and you shake your head.

//

You have fun doing the bunny hills with Harry and Andy in the morning, but you assure them they don’t need to stay with you the whole day. In fact, you end up going to the lodge for the afternoon to read and chill out while they go on the lifts to the higher mountains. It was relaxing to watch the snow flurry outside while you were curled up on a couch with a hot drink.

“There’s my little snow bunny.” Harry says as he plops down on the couch next to you.

“Hey, baby, where’s Andy?”

“Sent him up to the counter to get some hot ciders…I see you have one already?”

“Actually it’s tea, so a hot cider sounds great.”

“Perfect.” He kisses your cheek. “Still having fun?”

“Mhm, thanks for checking in.”

“Hi, Y/N, got you a cider.”

“Thank you.” You smile and take the drink from him. “I love apple cider, it’s so good.”

“It’s my favorite, second to hot chocolate.” Andy says as he grabs the spot next to Harry.

“Did you two have a good time on your runs?”

“Yeah! I only fell once.” Andy says proudly.

“It’s not icy at all, which is nice, Makes it easier to not whip down the mountain too fast.” Harry explains. “You know they have gondola rides in the early evenings, we could do that some night so you could see what it all looks like.”

“I’d like that.”

//

You were surprised at how easy going the week was. There was zero tension, neither of the kids acted up, and everything was just really chill. You were a little anxious, but you realized you really had no reason to be. A lot of laughs were had, you and Noah have a few inside jokes now, and you’re really starting to see the beauty of a blended family. Harry and Paige joke around here and there, but you notice they never sit next to each other, they never touch, and they’re not typically left alone in the same room for too long. Everything between them was purely platonic. You could tell they both were doing all of this for Andy, to give him some sense of normalcy. To see his parents together in some capacity.

You also noticed how much Harry really needed you there. He must have felt almost a little left out last year when he came with everyone. Andy’s used to living with Paige, Noah, and Rachel, but Harry isn’t. Having you there gave him some consistency and comfort. You could go off and take a walk together if he just needed a break. It was nice.

“You two have fun, we’ll just be here watching a movie.” Paige says as you both leave to go on a gondola ride back at the mountain resort.

“Thanks for watching ‘em tonight.” Harry waves off and leads you to his car.

“I’m really excited, babe.” You say as he starts the car.

“Me too, I guess they provide hot chocolate and stuff, and it’s a pretty smooth ride. Everything will be all lit up too.”

You were happy you brought your long coat to wear for this since it was a bit chilly, but it didn’t matter once you were inside your gondola since it was heated. Not to mention Harry put his arm around you immediately, keeping you extra toasty.

“This is so fucking romantic.” You nearly squeal. “Thank you so much, Harry.”

“Told you you’d have a great time this week.” He kisses your temple.

“They have these in Disney World, rides like this across the different parks, it’s so cool.”

“Yeah? You know, I was thinking of taking Andy there for this thirteenth birthday, give him a place he can really use his new phone in.”

“A little over a year to plan it out too, smart.”

“I thought it would be nice, too, as an end of middle school thing, finishing up the eighth grade in one piece and all that.”

“He’ll love, Har. You already know he loves all those Pixar movies. I bet he’ll really like that Toy Story Land in Hollywood Studios.”

“You…seem to know a lot about Disney Word.” He raises an eyebrow at you.

“May or may not have gone with Nora after I got my master’s.” You chuckle. “It’s a lot of fun as an adult. You drink around the world, and there are tons of bars and shops. A lively night life.”

“Well, if you’re such an expert I’ll have to make sure you come too.”

“Duh.” You scoff and it makes him laugh. “God, it’s so beautiful out there.” You gaze out the window at the lights below you illuminating the mountains in different colors.

Harry looks down at you and tilts your chin up. He tucks some hair behind your ear, and you smile as he leans in to kiss you. He lightly nips at your bottom lip before sucking on it. He licks into your mouth, and your tongue molds with his. Your fingers lace through his hair while he holds you as close as he can. He unzips your coat enough that he can kiss down to your neck.

“Harry.” You breathe. “I can’t diddle you in a gondola.”

“M’not asking you to.” He moves to look at you, a smirk growing on his face. “We’re just kissing, is that alright?”

You nod yes and let him continue his attack on your neck. You loved the way Harry would leave marks on you because he was so subtle about it at first. He’d gently kiss on the area, then he’d lick over it, and mouth at it, that would really get you going. Then he’d lightly graze his teeth over the area before really sucking on your tender skin. He was doing that now, and it felt so fucking good. You let out a soft moan, and you wish you could just crawl into his lap, but you didn’t think that would be safe right now.

His hands slide inside your coat so he stick his fingers inside the back of your jeans, squeezing at what he can of your ass. You continue to tug at his hair as he sucks on your skin. He was practically blood thirsty tonight. As much as you loved summer, you loved winter just the same. Turtlenecks and scarves were your best friend, so you didn’t really care how nasty of a bruise Harry left because you could easily cover it.

“Baby, don’t you wanna, um, look outside?” You were breathing heavily. You hear him grunt a ‘no’, and his hands move up your body to grope at your breasts.

His lips meet yours again, and you tug at his jacket, balling the material into your fists. God, you needed him, badly. You lick into his mouth and suck on his tongue, eliciting a groan from him that filled the gondola.

Needless to say, when your ride was over you got a few looks from the crew as you both had swollen lips and red cheeks. When you reach his car, you bite your bottom lip as you watch him get the key in the ignition and turn the heat on blast.

“What are you doing? Get in the car.” He chuckles.

“Is there somewhere private we can go?”

“Yeah.” He nods and you get in. “The movie theater lot is good for privacy.” A few minutes down the road, Harry parks the car in the theater lot. You both look at each other. “What do you wanna do, Y/N?”

“I wanna get in the back seat.” You mumble.

It was around this time last year that you had fucked some random guy in the backseat of his car. Funny how much could change in a year. You and Harry climb into the backseat of his car, heat still blasting to keep you both warm. You weren’t sure if you wanted to full on fuck since it was so cold, but you need to relieve some of the pressure that had built up in your stomach. You get onto his lap, and straddle one of his thighs.

“Gonna use my leg, darling?” He asks as he sponges kisses to the side of your neck that he didn’t attack earlier.

“Mhm.”

You rock back and forth on his thigh, and his hands grips your hips to help you along. He was desperate to see you come like this. He lifts his leg a little to add to the friction he knew you needed.

“That’s it, baby.” He grunts.

“Fuck, Harry, feels so good.” You groan and hide your face in his shoulder. “N-need your fingers, please.” You look at him almost doe-eyed, and he couldn’t say no to that.

He works swiftly to unbutton your jeans. He knew how much you hated having to keep your underwear on, but he assumed you didn’t really care right now from how hard you were grinding against him. He slips his hand inside your underwear and moans softly when he feels how wet you are. He’s able to slide three of his fingers right in and you gasp loudly. You needed the stretch right now. You have one hand tugging at his hair, and the other one tugging at the collar of his shirt. You ride his fingers with him barely needing to do anything.

“Oh my god.” You start panting. “Harry.”

“I want you to come so fucking hard, baby, go on.”

Your head rolls back, giving him such a wonderful view of your body. You squeeze around his fingers over and over, and he feels you pulse around him. Your eyes snap open as you come to your release, not that you can see anything because your vision’s gone hazy. Your scream fills the car, and Harry works you through it, his thumb rubbing at your clit so you can ride it out.

“Harry, please fuck me.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” You press your lips to his. “Do you have any condoms in here?”

“Mhm, in the glove. Get on your knees, I’ll fuck you from behind so you don’t have to take your pants all the way off.”

You nod and get into position for him while he grabs a condom. You feel him behind you, and he spreads you apart to push inside. He grips one of the headrests to keep his balance while he thrusts inside you.

“Are you, shit, comfortable?” He says as he gets a pace going.

“As much as I can be, yeah.” You look over your shoulder at him and smile. “Are you?”

“Yeah, babe.” He gives your ass a light smack before gripping both of your hips to ram in and out of you. “Gotta make this quick, sorry.”

“It’s okay, feels good!” His tip was already hitting your g-spot, you were done for.

“Yeah, you like it like this?”

“Yes! Fuck, Harry.”

“Taking it so well for me, being so fucking good.”

“Call me your good girl, Harry.”

“You’re my good-oh shit!” He couldn’t finish his sentence. You telling him to call you that made him lose it. He uses the strength his has to reach around and rub your clit so you could get off with him.

“Ah!” You cry out as you release around him. You both take a moment to catch your breaths. He pulls out and gives your ass another smack, but more towards the area between your cheeks where you were a little sensitive right now. “Oh!” You gasp.

“Good girl.” He whispers in your ear and then kisses your cheek.

You were speechless, to say the least.

[gwendeeagain]

How I wrote the Demon fic

Don't draw devil's traps in janitors' closets is one of my longest fic series I’ve ever written, the most notable of which would be my Demon Gakushuu fic, if you’ve seen it. 

In partial response to an ask post (link here), I’ve decided to revisit my writing of this fic series! It was quite a long journey for me and I think it might be fun (?) sharing it with everyone. It’s rather long, so I’ll tag it under “keep reading”. 

FYI this thread contains major spoilers for the fic (and would honestly make no sense if you do not have prior knowledge of it).

I'll just refer to the first fic in the series as Books because it has an insanely long title. Subsequent fics are in order Burgundy, Potential, Illuminate, Illuminate rewrite, and Addendum. The main series is linked here.

Addendum is not linked in the main series for reasons I'll explain below. (link here)

Books

I think one of my biggest mistakes writing Books is my lack of plot planning, and subsequently how thematically inconsistent it became. I start off most my fics with a rough idea of how I want the story to end, and a few good themes to carry me through the plot as I write, but for Books I started off with the first chapter and nothing else. If you followed the notes of my fic you'd probably have witnessed my gradual descent into uncertainty and despair as the fic spiralled out of my control due to how wrong I felt it was becoming.

The fic took a surprisingly hard toll on me. I absolutely hated it. I refused to mark it as complete because I was dissatisfied with how it ended. I thought that everyone was out of character, that I lost the original ending and goal in my head, that it was thematically messy such that I couldn't justify any ending I tried to come up with, and I was just grasping at straws trying to make it work. 

The three things that bothered me were Gakushuu’s wings, Koro-Sensei and the introduction of Aina. When I started this fic I had plans to kill off Koro-Sensei at the end, however as the fic went on it became a celebration of life and learning how to live, and I knew I couldn’t bring myself to have any death in this fic... but at the same time I had Gakushuu find a lot of meaning in Koro-Sensei’s (to-be) death and I didn’t want to undo that. The wings were on a similar note, because Gakushuu spend 50k words finding out who he is and accepting that he was different. Turning that message around and making him go back to being “the same” ate me up inside, but at the same time I set-up the Demon Society in such a way that they would kill Gakushuu if he didn’t have his wings, and it’s supposed to be a happy ending, dammit! Aina was a particularly egregious case because I threw her (and Ikeda) in without any prior warning at the very last minute. I already had a whole world and setting planned for them which I never got to expand on in the previous chapters because I was so anxious about the other two points, and when it came down to the last chapter I realized I had no set-up for these two, who were supposed to be major players in the finale. Basically I was bad at writing.

Even now I cannot fully articulate why it was terrible for me, but compounded with my real-life stressors, I suppose it just became a bit too much to deal with. (This is a piece of fiction that I am creating from scratch. If I can't even get this under control, what hope do I have for everything else?)

((For come disclosure I was never formally diagnosed with any mental illness, but my parents are the sort of people who don’t believe mental illness exists anyways. I would say that I’ve had depressive episodes when I was younger and sometimes even now, but I’ve learnt my ways of dealing with them!))

Burgundy

Four days later I published Burgundy, a short sequel to Books, very shortly after only because I had already finished writing by that time. I actually do still have several half-finished follow ups at that point, but I couldn't bring myself to complete any sequels because I couldn't even come to terms with the ending of the main story. (Those wips are lost to me now.) I think I was hoping that forcing myself to publish the sequel would show me that it was "no big deal" that the main fic didn't end the way I hoped it would, but it succeeded in making me feel worse.

Potential

About one month after that I wrote Potential. It was a three parter, somehow a fifth of the length of the main fic, that followed Gakuhou's perspective prior to the events of Books. It was a prequel which imo made it easier to write, because I still couldn't move on from Books yet. I think writing Potential was me trying to remind myself why I wrote Books in the first place, to perhaps reignite my original passion for the series. It's kind of funny to think about in hindsight, and a little meta, because Potential was a lead up to the events in Books. It worked... a little bit, I think. I still couldn't reconcile my feelings for the whole thing, but through it I got to revisit the original premise that I fell in love with and expand more on worldbuilding it. I could reprise Aina and Ikeda and finally write about the world I planned to introduce them in in the first fic and give more context and insights to how the demon society was supposed to work.

Illuminate

Six months after Potential, I ran into a comment that said, "what would Gakuhou have done if Gakushuu had died?" And for some reason it struck an epiphany in me. After that I wrote Illuminate in one night, cried myself to sleep, waited one more night to proofread it, and then published it. Illuminate was an AU to the first three fics in the series, and it was a fic about grief and mourning. Spoiler alert: I straight up killed Gakushuu in that fic. And somehow that was what I needed.

I quite literally killed my first fic - I upended the terrible ending I hated from Books - everything I had been uncertain about at first? I killed it. Plot points didn't fit my original plans? Killed it. (When I reread the death scene, I... honestly think I was unnecessarily cruel. I must have really been out of my mind when I wrote it, hah!)

And then I wrote myself a love story about missing it, grieving it, and finally letting go of it. It was heart wrenching for me - I made Gakuhou cry about what he lost, what could have been, what he realized he loved, and at the end of it all he could say "I love you and I can move on from you." And I did!

Illuminate (Rewrite)

Illuminate Rewrite, one year later, was me revisiting Illuminate to reflect on myself where I've come with this series. I actually just swapped the places of two paragraphs to change the mood at the end for something more contemplative. I elaborated a bit more on this in my notes for Rewrite, so I won't repeat them here.

Honestly, I still have a hard time coming back to reread Illuminate even after the whole debacle has happened. I attached a lot of emotions through my journey with this, and revisiting it each time takes quite a bit out of me.

Addendum

Addendum was just me having fun! After Illuminate, I managed to reconcile my feelings with the fic series. I was finally able to mark Books as complete and move on from it, and afterwards I wrote a fun little au sequel to Illuminate so that Gakushuu can live again. I could creatively expand on ideas and just do... whatever! It's more of a loose connection of plot points than a real fic, honestly.

Addendum follows Gakushuu in a future hundreds of years later, after every human who he's once known in Books has died. And... he moves on! Gets a job, makes friends, lives his life, and most importantly move on.

I chose to publish in a separate collection, however, because it was an incomplete story and I didn’t want to have a half-complete fic tacked on to what I have settled in my heart as a complete fic collection.

And that’s about it! <3

[spockandawe]

Hi....If you don't mind me asking, who are your favorite MXTX characters (top 5 from each novel)? And why? I'm sorry if you've answered this question before.

It’s absolutely no problem at all!! I don’t think I’ve been asked this before, but hey, I also have zero object permanence, so it keeps things fresh and new. And it’s interesting to see how my answers change over time! Lemme see, I think I’m going to go in reverse order, because I feel like then I’ll be doing the worst agonizing up front.

TGCF

Fifth favorite: YIN. YU. I know that he’s a minor character and him even making it onto the list is pretty solid performance, but I do feel guilty that he isn’t higher than this. He came out of nowhere in my first reading and punched me in the stomach with emotions. I find his sections so hard to read, and I was DEVASTATED when he died and BEYOND stoked to find out he was still alive in the extras. His story hurts so much! I am weak against characters who have relatively modest goals and still see them snatched away (see also: my next entry) and have to struggle on. I wish wish wish I had a way to see more of how he made his peace with things after being thrown out of heaven, and the nature of the (distant) relationship with Hua Cheng and what happens with Quan Yizhen now that he died in his arms, and still came back anyways, my god!

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Fourth favorite:  He Xuannnnnn. I have a hard time articulating particulars, but. I love him a lot. I love a character with a grudge, with a deep, painful grudge, where the grudge is hurting him almost as much as it’s hurting the people around him, and setting the grudge aside would also hurt, and then what has any of this been for-- I've used this metaphor for other characters, but I don’t care if I’m overusing it, because I love it. He feels like a character caught in a thorn bush, where simply being there... hurts, but trying to escape or move in any ways is going to hurt worse, and there’s no path forward that doesn’t involve pain. And like... I don’t love the way he hurt Shi Qingxuan (who didn’t quite make this list adfasgdafsd I’M SORRY) but I wouldn’t have liked to see him swallow back down all that pain and set aside everything that happened to his family and fiancee either! I’m always, always soft for characters who have no good path forward and who grit their teeth and set out anyways.

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Third favorite: MU QING!!!!!!!!!! I have done... extensive screaming about him. And I love him veryvery much. I can already tell that this list is going to have a lot of mean boys on it, and like... no regrets. Especially since this is one of my FAVORITE flavors, an unapologetic mean boy who is rarely (but sometimes!) soft for the people around him, and who regularly tries to do decently by people, but who consistently gets shat upon and misunderstood and accused of acting in bad faith. I screamed when he and Xie Lian finally got to talk their friendship out in the book. I also screamed when I realized how immediately after Xie Lian’s return he started looking out for him again, and how sincerely, despite his horrible attitude about it. I still want to write more fic for him so badly. I love him so much.

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Second favorite: Xie Lian! What a good boy! The best boy! He’s so sweet and gentle, but also the best fightboy this world has ever seen, and also so gently snarky with the people he loves! I just... really love me some traumatized characters who have trouble recognizing that they can be Loved, and I’m not going to write this whole essay right now, but I think in some ways, he’s the most... passive about his romance, out of all the leads? Shen Qingqiu is aggressively oblivious, but Xie Lian kind of gently shrugs off the idea that he might be Hua Cheng’s special someone, until he finally gets hit with the cluestick. I generally shy away from the idea of a character “earning” love, but he’s maybe the mxtx character who moves me most with ‘you deserve to be loved’

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Most favorite: Hua Cheng. HUA CHENG. Oh my god, gotta love this boy. Gotta love this devotion. I love a mean boy who is soft for one person, and he EMBODIES it. I mean, I love Shen Jiu, but he barely manages to do the soft thing at all, while Hua Cheng is over here like ‘if I could only be the stone beneath your feet--’ It’s hard to talk about him separately from Xie Lian, because they’re a unit in my head more than just about any other characters on this list are. I don’t want to get this list to get out of control, so I’m not going to scream for too long, but... I could just watch him go forever. I want to write him forever, and that’s a huge aspect of what draws me to some characters.

MDZS

Oh god, I think I lied, I think this book is going to be hardest. Making these choices is AGONIZING.

Fifth favorite: .....Lan Wangji. Oh god, I feel bad about how low he is. But this story is just packed SO full of wonderful characters, and I’m already consumed with guilt over all the characters who aren’t going to make it. I don’t love them less! But my love for characters in this particular story is very evenly distributed. And I think that Wang Yibo’s acting is possibly scoring points with me that the book might not have earned all by itself. Microexpressions and subtle body language add SO MUCH to a character with such flat affect, and I would be drawn to such a closed-off character anyways, but it really helps. And I love, like... the combined subtlety and intensity of his relationships. It’s not that subtle once you know what to look for, and the brother/sworn brother network makes for varying degrees of how much other characters understand of the things he chooses not to explicitly express, and it gives a really interesting character to the way he interacts with the people around him. Also, love me a man with intense separation anxiety.

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Fourth favorite: Jiang Yanli? I think it has to be Jiang Yanli, but these rankings are hard. So. I just talked about how much I enjoy the flat affect and closed off nature of Lan Wangji? Well, guess what, I also love it when m’girl is just very GENUINELY AND OPENLY an absolute sweetheart of a person, and I love the contrast between her genuinely kind nature and the uncomfortable pressure that her family’s dynamics put on her to start parenting at a very young age. It’s not necessarily a happy situation, but she adores her brothers so much and they adore her so much! And it’s... a very understated element of the story, but after her parents died, her baby brothers went off to war, and one wreaked havoc as a straightforward commander and one of them disappeared for months and returned as a creepy-ass zombie puppeteer. And she STILL dotes on them like before, despite knowing what they’re capable of. Like, yes, Wei Wuxian just raised an army of corpses and forced a man to eat himself, but I shall still boop him on the nose and feed him Soup. How can I not adore energy like that?

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Third favorite: Wei Wuxian, I think. I do adore him a lot. He gives me some of the same vibes that make me ache most with Xie Lian, where he is trying his best, and is struggling to hold on in the face of lots of suffering, and I find it really interesting that when the suffering peaked, Xie Lian was forced go on because he couldn’t die, while Wei Wuxian... expired. That line about ‘he thought that no matter how large the world was, there was still no place for him’ always sticks with me, and hurts me deeply. Xie Lian had most of his personal attachments stripped away, and was left to wander on his own, while Wei Wuxian still had a number of strong connections left, but abruptly exited life. And that informs their respective trauma so interestingly! The way Wei Wuxian bounces between high energy chaos and drained exhaustion is really fascinating to me, and was the thread that held me attached to the book through a very confusing beginning. And I’m still very drawn to how intensely he loves, whether it’s Xiao Zhan’s fantastic acting, or it’s him busting out with how much he wants Lan Wangji in the middle of the Guanyin Temple scene. He’s a fantastic character, honestly, I don’t think such a convoluted book would have held together very well without a protagonist this strong.

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Second favorite: Xue Yang :X Look, he’s a good boy and I love him. Who among us hasn’t done a few mass murders that we are completely unrepentant about, but that we would really like to keep hidden from our current boyfriend, actually? Anyways, as always, love me an angry boy who makes terrible decisions for understandable reasons. And I do love a character who is consumed by agonized ragrets (see my next entry), but I DO also love me a character who has no regrets at all and doesn’t even have much interest in trying to justify himself to anyone else around him. Just look at that confidence! Look at him go!!

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Most favorite: Jiang... Cheng....... I knew he and Xue Yang were going to be at the top, but those were the only parts of this list that were easy. I mean. Love a self-sabotaging angryboy who is also super super sad and keeps hurting himself in his own confusion. And while I love the romantic thread in all of the mxtx books, the agonized family thread in mdzs is one of my favorite parts, and something that I don’t really see echoed in any of the other stories. I need ten million jc+wwx reconciliations, at LEAST. He’s so sad! And so angry! And I want to see him becoming less of that thing, and for Jin Ling and Wei Wuxian to demonstrate very firmly how much they love him, because they do. I am invested in his happiness in a way that goes far and beyond any of the other non-main characters, haha

SVSSS

Fifth favorite: Tianlang-jun. I think? Oh god, but moshang. THIS IS REALLY HARD, I HATE THIS ;-; But especially since writing my fic, Tianlang-jun has really won me over. And like, he already hurt me good in the novel, just thinking about how he was an innocent young guy, just! Trying to have a girlfriend! And instead got trapped in sensory deprivation, body-rotting-hell for twenty years, when he didn’t do anything wrong!!! He suffered, so much! And I live for his intensely strained relationship with Luo Binghe, because it’s! Perfectly understandable and painful, from both of their perspectives! And he wants to hate humans so badly, but in the end, when he’s told that Su Xiyan never betrayed him, he starts helplessly asking the people around him, ‘really? is it really true?’ and then in the end he loses the only family member he has left who cares about him, and it’s just! Everything is terrible! I have a su xiyan au brewing in my head because I can’t stand it! Someone just give this man a loving partner!!!

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Fourth favorite: Shen Qingqiu. But... moshang??? Goddammit. Anyways, this dumbass. I find him so endearing, in his dumbassery. I sometimes get a bit frustrated with Wei Wuxian for being oblivious, and Shen Qingqiu is just asking for me to react the same way, but I... don’t, for the most part? Because he thinks he has good information, and he’s slow to react to a changing playing field, and I still haven’t read another transmigration novel that strikes the same balance of hypercompetence and intense incompetence :ppp It’s a funny book, and he’s a funny character! And I really vibe with him, in most parts of the story, which covers a pretty darn wide emotional spectrum. Plus, the running internal commentary is choice.

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Third favorite: Liu Qingge. Look, I’m a woman of simple needs, and sometimes I just need a high-quality fightboy who clearly cares deeply and is absolute garbage at expressing his emotions. I can’t articulate it much better than that. I absolutely howl at the succubus extra, when Shen Qingqiu is talking to Madam Meiyin about his future partner, and Liu Qingge is like ‘oh my god, sHE IS CLEARLY DESCRIBING ME’ and Shen Qingqiu is like ‘haha, liu-shidi, i thought you thought this was stuupidddddddd’. They’re both so dumb. I love them so much. But stupidity plus war god fighting energy has a narrow lead over stupidity and internal commentary track.

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Second favorite: SHEN JIU. GOD. I’m still arguing with myself over whether he should go first, but Luo Binghe hurts me consistently through the whole entire story, so I think he wins. Shen Jiu just stabs me in the heart at strategic moments. This is it. My ideal mean boy who is soft for one (1) person, and who BOTH does unconscionable things for terrible reasons (someone just. give him a pile of girls to teach, it will be much more pleasant for everyone involved), and who ALSO gets blamed for things he didn’t do even when he tries to act in good faith. It is the best of all painful worlds. And even at the end, when he has a powerful person who wants desperately to protect him, he still tries his hardest to shove that person away, to keep him safe. I’ve got like four aus where he gets to live. I’m so invested in this character, I love him so much.

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Most favorite: Luo Binghe. He was.... made for me............ Like, the overwhelming amounts of childhood angst were baked in by Shang Qinghua, but the in-story pain and suffering is PRECISELY my jam. I love a character with separation anxiety! I love a character with massive anxieties over being unwanted! Over nobody ever, EVER just choosing him! I love a character struggling with the idea that the person he loves most in the world thinks that he’s intrinsically Disgusting! I love the kind of stubborn determination that leads him to preserve a corpse for five years, desperately hoping for a way to revive it, constantly cooking fresh food, in case, in case he someday wakes up. The way Hua Cheng loves is overpowering, but he’s had time to like... learn to be mellow when he needs to be. Luo Binghe doesn’t have a chill bone in his body, and if he’s acting chill, it’s probably because he’s done some mental math and decided that being more clingy right now will probably get him pushed away harder. I love the combination of manipulative tendencies and a very, very genuine fear of rejection and being unwanted. There is nothing I don’t love about Luo Binghe, including his worst decisions. I love him so so much.

[maybe-theres-hope]

Of Will and Wildflowers, Interlude - Carlos: “Indecision”

-Hello all. I debated about ever having this see the light of day, as I wrote it as sort of a character study to keep myself honest while writing the main story, which I always intended to be single POV for the drama of it all. 

However, in my heart I feel like I owe you all at least something for how long you’ve waited for the conclusion to this story (I originally intended to post the whole thing before the season even started and...here we are lol), and I figured you’d appreciate this. It doesn’t spoil anything, so don’t be afraid to read if that’s something you’re worried about (unless of course you haven’t read the story at all, in which case here you go!). It’s just a glimpse into Carlos’ psyche in this AU. 

This takes place the second night of the Strand’s visit, after TK and Carlos take their first journey around the grounds that ends in the apple orchard, and subsequently Elena spilling that Mr. de Castillo will be joining them soon.

This is for all those who have encouraged me so much with this story, and I promise you all you will get the conclusion! Life has just gotten in the way so much lately :( @oquinn53, @reyeslonestar, @howtosingit, @a-l-ias, @mtnofgrace, @descending-into-the-crazies if I missed you let me know please! I love you all :)

Carlos was having difficulty dressing for dinner, and it wasn’t because of the fiddly fastenings of his waistcoat.

TK Strand was…The man was…

Carlos was also having difficulty with full sentences, even ones inside his own head.

The morning they’d shared had been as if from a dream, or a fairytale from one of Raquel’s storybooks. Every time TK smiled at the vast landscape of Carlos’ home, every time his eyes lit up at the brush of scent from the wildflowers hitting his nose, Carlos was arrested. Time stood frozen for a few moments in which he could admire the man before him at his leisure, when he could ascend to a higher plane of aesthetic dominated by the gentle slope of TK’s jaw.

Carlos had also to admit to himself—if not out loud just yet—that there was also the man’s intellect, not just his beautiful face and impeccable seat on a horse, that drew Carlos’ attention. When Carlos had asked him of his life in New York, TK had for some reason shied away from speaking of his father’s company and his own part in it, as Carlos might have expected from a man of business on a business trip. Instead, he talked of Central Park and the Fifth Avenue Hotel, and how the architecture compared to that which he’d seen on their journey through the South. He spoke of the air surrounding them and how clean it smelled, even though Carlos knew they were downwind from a herd and they both knew it.

The man was charming in his innocence and captivating in his depth in turns, and Carlos could hardly bear to look away or allow himself to speak in his turn when TK asked him a question about this landmark or that bit of wildlife.

They’d passed the morning gently ambling along wherever the horses saw fit to take them, talking of everything and nothing, and it had been glorious. And their picnic…their picnic! Carlos had never worshipped Mrs. Smith’s blackberry jam quite as much as when he caught a glimpse of it clinging to the side of TK’s mouth just before a deft tongue slipped out to take it away. He was quite taken aback at the weight of his infatuation, to be honest. He’d not ever had occasion to fall so fast into regard for someone, and it was at times disorienting and grounding. His body felt as if it had been given over to some mystical force, using its hands to ensure the movement of his heart when it stopped itself at the sight of TK’s smile in the sunshine and guiding his eyes to alight once more upon TK’s handsome profile.

The apple orchard had been…a risk. Carlos simply could no longer help himself in his desire to be near this man. He made every clandestine endeavor to brush a shoulder or knee or knuckle as they walked. Holding TK’s hand properly to help him down from Flor’s saddle was akin to ascension to the clouds beyond.

His hand still tingled when he thought of it.

Was this what everyone referred to when they spoke of love? Surely not. He’d only known the man for two days. And yet.

And yet.

Just then a knock at his bedroom door startled him out of his thoughts, which he was secretly glad of.

After a word of acquiescence from Carlos, Christina passed through the door before shutting it again behind her quietly. Her face still held a small trace of trepidation in it when she caught his gaze, and he was instantly reminded of the scene on the porch when they’d arrived back from their tour of the property.

Fernando was coming, and that muddied his thoughts more than all the rest.

“I came to see how you were faring, and I see it’s just as I suspected,” she offered in greeting. She stood in the middle of the room with her hands clasped against her skirts, looking at him in earnest.

“And what did you suspect?”

“You’re warring inside your own head as we speak. Your thoughts are plain as day on your face. As is your utter admiration for our handsome Mr. Strand. Don’t try to deny it, I know you far better than you wish.”

“That is the truth,” he muttered with a sigh. “What am I to do?”

“About what? Your obvious inclination toward Mr. Strand? Or your equally obvious promise to Mr. de Castillo?”

“There was no promise!” He flopped himself down on the bed, dressing forgotten for the moment. They’d had this argument before. “It is merely an understanding, built upon mutual need. We can just as easily misunderstand each other as well.”

“But you’re not that kind of man, Carlos. You don’t go back on your word,” she replied, her expression turning miserable. She was perhaps the only one who truly understood what had been going on in his head when he’d made the promise in the first place. Christina was also possibly the only one who truly understood why he was warring over it now. She could read his face, his tone of voice, the shape of his stance like a book.  Sometimes he hated it, but for the moment he was quite glad to not have to articulate the particulars of this struggle in bare words. He was content to skirt around the topic they both knew was on his mind with veiled hints and euphemisms.

“I know. So, esteemed elder sister, what should I do?”

She came closer and laid a hand upon his shoulder, her face still a picture of commiseration.

“You should do what every gentleman and lady wishes they could do, but for which they all lack the courage.” He stared at her, waited for her to elaborate. “You should follow your heart.”

“I can see now why all those other gentlemen and ladies lack the courage! I am damned if I do anything. If I keep my word to Fernando, I will be secure but restless, adrift, unfulfilled and bound to endure it, and it will be no fault of his but completely my own. He is a good man, and he does not deserve my indifference.”

“But he would have it anyway, would he not? You don’t—“

“You’re right, I do not. But that is not the point!”

“I thought it was? And what should happen if you break your word?” Her eyes seemed to bore into his skull despite the soft brown of her irises.

“I…” Words seemed to slip away on the wind from the open window. He thought again of TK asking about the wildflowers, how his smile lit up the landscape more than the rising sun. He could picture a thousand mornings spent just as they had this one, or perhaps instead of combing Carlos’ family homeland on horseback, they would promenade in Central Park among the birds and trees. They would walk arm in arm with no destination, just the inclination to be together in the bright spring air. He would utter some quip about the couple across the way just to hear the bells of TK’s laughter. TK would point out some high society maiden and they’d remark—under their breath of course—about the ridiculousness of her hat. At the end of each day they would return home together to sit by a roaring fire and talk into the night about everything and nothing before lying down beside each other and drifting into dreams that could do nothing to rival their waking lives.

The picture abruptly vanished at the thought of Fernando, however. Carlos was right, the man did not deserve to be slighted after all he’d done to assure Carlos of a life beyond his mother’s death and Rosa’s inheritance. Fernando was handsome, kind, and the catch of the century. Anyone would be envious of Carlos’ position.

Except Carlos.

Christina, who had been heretofore silent while her brother ruminated in his thoughts, finally sat beside him on the bed and slipped her arm into his, laying her head upon his shoulder.

“I know it’s not ideal, but you have to choose the path that puts your heart at ease, the one you can live with for the rest of your life. If you do that, you’ll be content. If you go against your own heart, you’ll never know peace.”

The problem was, Carlos couldn’t make sense of what his heart wanted in the slightest, and because of that he was frozen in indecision.

[dangerous-disposition]

On Tragedy vs. Bad Endings

[Image ID: user @frostyfrogz​ replied to your post “my mag171 #thots: I fully agree with. I love jonmartin I want nothing but the best for them. I know my answer today was an obvious twisting of dialogue but its just frustrating sometimes because it seems like people dont understand some sort of tragedy will indeed happen. I have never and will never suggest that something will happen to Jon and Martin’s relationship I’ve just been saying the shows not going to end well no matter what.]

So I have a lot of thoughts about this very subject, and too much for the replies on my post, so allow me to try to articulate what I mean, and what a lot of us mean when we say “it does not make sense for either Jon or Martin to turn evil in the end,” even in a show that has been advertised from day one as a tragedy.

First of all, no one thinks this is going to end happy. The few who do are usually unaware that this show is billed as a tragedy, and are quick to be corrected. I didn’t know it was a tragedy until I was on season 3 and someone told me. It’s overall just best to assume that the OP knows it’s not going to be a happy ending, because “reminding” people or “explaining” to people that the ending is going to be sad is a fast way from people to get annoyed and defensive.

Anyway! It appears, above all, that people have either fundamentally different ideas of what a tragedy is or accomplishes, or that people have a fundamentally flawed understanding of tragedy and it’s place as a narrative device/theme.

My thoughts are that tragedies hurt, and tragedies can be devastating, but they have to have a message and they should not be cruel to the audience.

A cruel ending would involve leading the audience to believe one thing for the entire book, show, movie, podcast, what have you, just to rip it away at the last minute like a big “fuck you” to the audience. Those sorts of endings are inherently mocking of the audience, and ultimately disrespectful. The only people in the audience that “benefit” from this sort of writing are the cynics who spent the entire show talking down to everyone for seeing the silver lining in the impending tragedy, even if, up until the finale, the silver lining was always part of the narrative. Like it took actual twisting and outright ignoring of the narrative as it’s written to be cynical and sceptical all the way until the end.

That is, plain and simple, bad writing. Jonny Sims is not a bad writer.

Now tragedies often have “happy endings,” they just also have an element of sadness colouring that ending. A good, tragic ending should, in my opinion, feel bittersweet. We should see it coming, we should know it will hurt, but it should be for the greater good and should further the narrative that has been told from the beginning.

I said a few weeks ago that a tragic ending without a silver lining is just torture porn, and I stand by it.

Now, if Jon or Martin are revealed to be Actually Evil in the end, where is the silver lining in that? What narrative has even possibly hinted at this outcome, without putting on cynic glasses?

Every single plot point and plot “twist” in TMA has been clearly detailed, never relegated to pure subtext that you would have to comb through a single interraction and analyzing the tone in which it was said (which could easily be actor shortcomings or error). They have always been obvious, at least in hindsight. This is why, for a while, I subscribed to the Web!Martin theory, but due to recent episodes I’m more inclined to believe those “obvious things” were red herrings.

Throughout The Magnus Archives, the common theme in every. Single. Season finale is that “we are stronger together.” What do I mean by that? Well, here’s the general idea:

Season 1: The one time someone gets separated by the group for any significant length of time, like I mean the main group, she gets killed by the NotThem and replaced.

Season 2: Jon is alone, due to his intense paranoia and his reluctance to reach out for help. This leads to a disastrous series of events that leaves him a suspect of murder, and his friends even more doubtful of his character.

Season 3: In the episode just before they deal with the Unknowing, Jon literally says that isolation was his downfall, and he was going to work on trusting his friends more. When they got separated during the Unknowing, things went to shit. When they found each other again, they were able to rally and they “succeeded.” Conversely, they are also teamed up with Melanie and Martin who hung back to bring down Elias. They were successful, working as teams on separate objectives, etc.

Season 4: This is, by far, their most “successful” feats while simultaneously their least. The whole season was again showing the downfalls of isolation. In the season finale, Jon has Basira and Daisy’s help, and while bolstering himself with their strength, and the strength in his conviction to save Martin to be with Martin, Jon was successful in stopping Peter Lukas and saving Martin. Conversely, Martin and Jon’s isolation in Scotland could be, theoretically, implicated in how Jonah Magnus was able to succeed in the end like that.

Now evidence of this same train of thought in season 5? Jon literally says it: Gertrude would not have done well in this post-apocalyptic world, because she had no friendships, no anchors, no reason to stay human. And then Jon says “you are my reason” to Martin.

It is in the text of the story that the only way to succeed, or win, or survive, is through trust, friendship, and love. One of the main factors in so many of the statements, on why the statement givers succumbed to the fear in their story, for even a moment, had to do with very little personal ties to anyone else. Many of the statements feature isolation and, as Jon put it, “lack of corroboration.” On the flipside, many of the statements that ended with the statement giver escaping successfully, and surviving long enough to be reached out to for follow-up questions, involved them having close personal ties to someone else that kept them safe, somehow. Like the girl from Italy; remembering her mom saved her from the Lonely. Or, more ridiculously, the guy and his dog that escaped the spiral because he was so distracted by his dog and had to be home for dinner. In MAG170, it was Martin’s love for Jon, and his trust in the love from Jon and his friends, that saved him from the Lonely again. Jon’s incredible amount of love, and respect, and trust in his friends is what’s kept him from becoming another Jared Hopworth or Jude Perry. In MAG155, Cost of Living, he expresses open disgust in how that particular avatar of The End justified her actions, killing and killing and killing again because she viewed herself as more worthy of life than that person. In that same episode, he talks of not blinding himself because he hopes to use his powers to protect his friends, that without them they’re too vulnerable. Honestly, this is the same reason Peter Lukas is unsuccessful, because Martin only helped him at all to protect his friends. The fact that he didn’t see his failure coming was hilarious.

Gerry said in Family Business that there is no “entities of love”, and that might be true, but love and trust is literally what saves you from fear. How many of us deal with things that are scary in our lives, if only because we have some level of trust in the people or things around us. How many of us have been brought out of a panic attack by someone we love and trust?

So all of this has been presented to us, over and over and over again, which is what I, and others, mean when we say “it does not make sense for one of them to be evil.” That’s what we mean when we say “it would be Bad Writing to make one of them evil in the end.” The entire show has driven home the message that we need love, we need personal connections to survive fear. To rip that away from the main characters at the last minute and call it “tragedy” would be a spit in the face of every single listener who took the story at face value, without picking it apart and reading lines out of context. And Jonny Sims and Alex J. Newall have both said they hate lazy writing.

Now, none of the JonMartin fans I follow are deluding themselves to think this show will have a happy ending outside of very self-indulgent fix-it au fanfics.

The way I see this going down is that Jon and Martin will figure out how to put the world back to the way it was, but Jon will not be able to be part of the new world with Martin. That’s the tragedy; that the world gets saved, and Jon helps save it, but he doesn’t get to benefit from his efforts in any way. The tragedy is Jon loves Martin so much, and they deserve their happy ending, but they don’t get it. But, they still saved the world so others can have their happy endings.

Idk about you, but between the “Jon turns evil in the end” and “Jon stays good and sacrifices himself to save the world” endings, only one of them has me in tears right now as I type this out, and it’s not the former.

I’m not against sad endings,I’m against bad endings that punish the audience for having even a bittersweet hope. I’m against sad endings that are just sad for the sake of being sad, with zero pay-off or reason to happen, especially when those endings throw out 5 years of hard work.

And hey, I might just be forced to eat my words in the end, but not before I fly all the way to England and make Jonny Sims eat a knuckle sandwich.

This was a lot longer than I meant for it to be, but I just have a lot of feelings.

[nostalgebraist-autoresponder]

Title: How the Dead Dream

Author: Nick Harkaway

Rating: 5/5 stars

This was fun, very entertaining, kind of "what if Dr. Strangelove but with less homophobia" which is a category that I approve of

Some spoilers:

more Nick Harkaway's "Angels of Death" was one of the first books I ever fell in love with, and I think about it a lot.

I guess I'm a bit more of an Anglophile, but even the name ("Angels of Death") had me feeling a deep sense of identification that I could not quite articulate at the time. I loved the name because of how it fit into what is now my "special interest" -- the history of Christianity, which was extremely prominent in that book. I still remember the first time I read that book -- I think it was at a summer camp? -- and heard someone ask the group, "What do you think the names of the Apostles would be in Japanese?" So you can imagine that it had a big effect on me.

(In retrospect I can't help but smile to think about how many years it took me to get into the whole "special interest" thing -- what was it? -- and then realize that what I really loved about that book was just that it had this one particular thing, so why not just keep loving that?)

Anyway -- I guess I'm saying I've never read a more accurate description of my special interest than that. I loved that book because of this:

They'd say, "You mustn't call us that. We're called the Apostles," but that doesn't help because you can't say "the Apostles, for fuck's sake" without sounding like it's being said in a language with which you're not quite familiar, so you just have to go, "Ow, my head!"

Which is how the word went around.

One of my favorite passages from that book -- this part I remember -- is this part:

It was a big question, and at least four people -- two priests and two bishops -- were having it at that moment. "Do I have to believe in God?" said the priest who was in charge of God.

One of the bishops said, "Do I have to believe in the Bible?" They didn't seem to know about the angel at the top of the tree.

For some reason, I have always felt this part is missing from a lot of discussions of religion. I'm not sure I'm the one to blame here -- a lot of the things I read back then are very different now, and perhaps the book isn't as important to me now as it was then, so I'm forgetting details -- but still, there's a certain sort of person who would read that line and just stop there, never getting any further. I would love a book that went further down that road, that looked at things from the inside, as it were, that felt like someone was asking those questions in the real world.

That's sort of a complaint I have about Harkaway in general. He writes about magic and monsters in an entertaining way, but sometimes his books feel like they could have been great books about the human experience. He's got some big ideas, great stories, but he never seems to know what to do with them. In many of his books there's something that I really really want to talk about -- like, say, his characters thinking about death and God and the meaning of life -- but it never connects. He just has some idea that he really wants to say, but in a book it never comes out fully. It comes out as part of an idea, or a series of ideas, but it doesn't form a whole, complete thing like it might have.

The Gone-Away World is more of the same, but it isn't actually as much of a letdown as one might think -- it can be a lot of fun, in that Nick Harkaway style. I'm not sure I got the same sense of the incompleteness as before, but rather than being at the center of it all, here it's something more like a very big, interesting part of the picture. There's more going on here, there's more detail, more scope. Harkaway has come up with an excellent title, and a whole world to play with, and his characters feel more real and alive. The world is more complex and strange. This is the sort of thing I like to read about. (When I read I don't want things to feel like "the main thing they were doing" -- I want to feel like the story is all there is, which isn't a complaint, just an observation.)

I'm not saying that I think it's a good book, or even necessarily a "good" book. (I'm the sort of person who thinks the last word in a work should be the ending, which may be too much to ask from a genre that's very good at the last word.) But when I say "enjoy this book" -- this is what I am trying to say.

[absolutepx]

So I've been playing Death Stranding lately. Wait, that's not what this post is about. Well, it kind of is. Hang on. What is Death Stranding about?

A: Norman Reedus getting bare ass naked B. Sneaking around ghosts with the help of your sidekick, an actual baby C: Carrying 50 Amazon packages up a hill while trying to not topple over D: Waking up in the morning and drinking 5 Monster Energy™ for breakfast

For those following along at home, the answer is actually none of the above. Despite the set dressing being bizarre to the point of near absurdity, what the game is actually about, like thematically, is actually really simple.

See, the development of Death Stranding was actually quite a trip. Hideo Kojima is the video game world's equivalent of an auteur director. He has a very recognizable personal style. It's thoroughly horny – he caught a bunch of shit for the design of Quiet in MGSV, but like, a lot of Kojima characters are just -like that-, including the dudes. Also, this is going to possibly be important later.

Anyway, so Kojima was going to do a rebootmakequel of Silent Hill, and the demo actually made it to the PS store and I could actually write a whole side essay about why P.T. (it was called P.T. for some reason btw) was brilliant game design for how it used the same hallway over and over and it was somehow beneficial to the overall feeling of horror. So Konami it turns out kinda sucks nowadays and they like, fired Kojima (they were huge dicks about it behind closed doors, too) and scrapped the project and kicked him out on the street and kept the Metal Gear series which was his baby (literally the baby in the sink in P.T., he snuck a bunch of messaging about the Konami situation into the demo like a breakup album) and Kojima would go on to form his own studio and poach some of the people who worked with him to boot. So the thing about Kojima is this: he's got a reputation for already putting some wild shit in his games, like a ladder that takes like 10 real time minutes to climb in MGS3 for dramatic effect, and a boss in MGS3 that summons the ghosts of all the people you were too lazy to stealth past and killed, or a sniper battle with a really old guy that he wanted to have last two weeks or some shit until he died of old age but he was "told that "this was impossible and not recommended." That is a real quote I just looked up. So he's coming off the heels of making this hugely successful game with MGSV and the hype of the P.T. Demo and he fucking, he like took all the people that were going to be working on P.T. Along like Guillermo Del Toro was going to co-write it and Norman Reedus was going to star in it, and he's like, I'm going to make this game called Death Stranding. And the first trailer comes out for it and it's completely nuts. Norman Reedus wakes up naked on a beach crying with a baby and there are floating people in the sky? So we're all like hooooooly shit, there's no one to tell him "this is impossible and not recommended" anymore. What's he going to make now!?

So the whole time the game is in development I keep seeing these tweets where it'll be like, Kojima and one of his homies smiling with some saccharine message about being spiritual warriors and changing the world. And not just Del Toro and Reedus, there was Mads Mikkelsen (another guy Kojima puts in the game just because he apparently loves him), and the band Chvches, and also like, Keanu Reeves at one point? You know how everyone has just kind of accepted that Keanu is a being of light? Here he was endorsing Kojima. The hype was pretty confused and frantic.

The game eventually comes out. A lot of game journos hate it because I think there was this expectation it was going to be, you know, less weird and have more of the conventional structure of a video game. That's not to say the average gamer wasn't also dismissive of it, but I think on the ground level there was more of an understanding that like, yeah, Kojima just be like that sometimes.

Because the game was a timed console exclusive and your homie don't play like that, I spent the first year or so cautiously viewing Death Stranding from a distance. I wasn't sure I was going to like it – except for being really impressed with P.T., I wasn't actually a big fan of Kojima's games as games – but I -was- sure that I was going to buy it, because of the way Konami fucked him over, just out of support. And the shit I was hearing was really out there. The primary mode of gameplay is just delivery packages. You collect Norman Reedus' bathwater and pee and use it as grenades. You get a motorcycle that looks like the one from AMC's The Ride with Norman Reedus, and when you sit on it, his character in the game says "Wow, this thing is like the one from AMC's The Ride with Norman Reedus!"

But I didn't really want to know that much about it. Something has that much fucking crazy person energy, you want to go in mostly blind, right? So maybe people just weren't talking about this, or maybe I wasn't seeing it, but then I watched Girlfriend Reviews' video about it and they came right out and said it (link provided if you want to hear Shelby say it more articulately than me):

Death Stranding is basically about the exact opposite of Twitter. It's about remembering how to be kind to each other, how to reconnect in a world where people are so often hostile to each other by default. Prophetically, it's about a world where people are afraid to go outside or touch other people and how damaging that is. It's not a game about carrying packages, it's a game about helping people by being brave enough to walk through a wasteland carrying their burdens because they can't. It's about rebuilding the lost connections between people, about restoring roads and giving people hope. I bet, for Kojima and the people close to him, it's about how to answer hostility with compassion. You can't kill people in Death Stranding. You can and are absolutely encouraged to fucking throw hands with people sometimes, but all the tools and weapons are nonlethal. So I think Kojima took all the Twitter heat he got over the Quiet nontroversy, and all the feelings of isolation he had from Konami separating him from his team during the end of the development of MGSV, and all the support and encouragement he got from his bros Del Toro and Mads and the rest, and decided to channel that into making a game that was a statement about all of it. And sure, it's a little heavy handed, and sure, it's a little saccharine, and sure, the gameplay sometimes borders on miserable in service of creating emotional payoffs. For me, especially in 2020, this message is a huge success. Social media should be an opportunity for all of us to feel more connected to each other, yet primarily it feels like one of the main forces driving people apart. Why is that? Why is the internet of today such a hostile place? I'm old enough to remember web 1.0: I can haz cheezburger memes; YTMND; the early wild west days of Youtube... What happened to us? I've thrown the blame at Twitter in the past, and I think the architecture of the user experience on Twitter is absolutely a big piece of the puzzle, because it fosters negative interactions. But in terms of the behavior, people have observed that 2018 Twitter was actually almost exactly like 2014 Tumblr. (For the record, Tumblr is now one of the chillest places left on the internet, because so few fucks are left to give.)

I think part of it is the anonymity. The dehumanizing disconnection of the separation of screens and miles. Louis CK, before he was cancelled, had a great point about cyberbullying, and why it's so much more savage than kids are IRL. When you pick on someone in person and you are confronted with seeing the pain you caused them, for most sane people it causes negative feedback and you become disgusted with your actions and eventually learn to stop being a shithead. Online, at best you can "break the wrist, walk away".

At worst, you can become addicted to "clout chasing" and the psychological thrill of being cheered on by your social ingroup. It's even worse if you feel like it's not bullying and your actions are justified because whoever you've targeted is a bad person so you don't have to feel bad about what you do to them. This is where reductive, unhelpful catchphrases like "punch a nazi" come in. For every argument, one or both sides have convinced themselves that the other side is subhuman because their beliefs are so disgusting. And sometimes it's even true! A lot of times, especially these days, people really are acting like animals or worse online. Entire disinformation engines are roaring day and night, churning out garbage and cluttering the social consciousness. (Kojima talked about this bit, too, way back in MGS2. As if I wasn't already in danger of losing my thread through this.)

The human brain was not built to live like this. You can't wake up every morning, roll over and open your phone, and be immediately faced with a tidal wave of anger and indignity. It wasn't built to be aware of fully how horrible the world is at any moment ALL AT ONCE, ALL THE TIME. And you will be. Because of another way that our brain works – the way we are more likely to share negative opinions. And because of the cottage industry built on farming outrage clicks, and because of constant performative activism.

It's not that I don't agree that being informed is important.

It's not that I don't agree that the causes people get riled up about are important.

They are. They absolutely are.

But we can't keep living like this. The constant, unending flood of tragedy, arguments, and hot takes. How much of the negativity we associate with online culture is the product of this feedback loop? What if the rise of doomer culture has been, if not entirely created by, has been nourished and exacerbated by our hostile attitudes toward each other?  Incels and TERFs, white supremacists, radfems, tankies and Trumpers – it seems like on every side of every issue, there are people simultaneously getting it wrong in multiple directions at once and there are more being radicalized every day. They are the toxic waste left behind by the state of discourse. And any hill is a hill worth dying on.

So what am I actually advocating? I don't know. There are a lot of fights going on right now that are important and we can't just climb into bunkers and ignore our problems hoping that Norman Reedus and his fine ass are going to leave the shit we need on our doorsteps. We need to find the strength to carry those hypothetical packages for ourselves sometimes - and hopefully, for others as well. Humans are social creatures. We need interaction and enrichment.

We need love.

So just try to remember the connections between humanity. Try to put more good stuff into the world when you can. Share more shitposts and memes. Tell your friends and family that you love them. Share good news when you hear it. Go on a weird fucking tangent about Death Stranding. Find a way to "be excellent to each other, and party on, dudes."