#if it ever happens (it probably wont. i keep away from this sort of drama usually on purpose)

[micamone]

robbie stacey valentino's only crimes were being a teenager, and being an antagonist in a story told from a sweaty childs point of view

[kdramachitchat]

Hometown Cha Cha Cha episode 3 recap: Hyejin goes on a roadtrip to Seoul and takes care of a patient

Short trip to Seoul

Hyejin invites Dusik and the 3 ladies a trip to Seoul. While driving Hyejin gets into a road rage one of the elder ladies gives the driver who caused a close accident a piece of her mind too. During the trip of course there will be eventual rest stops and bathroom breaks which turns out to be hilarious especially when they bought older music, played it in the car too. Hyejin tells the ladies about her parents when they talk about their family histories. She doesnt have alot of patience and is late. Dusik thanks her for driving the ladies despite her annoyed complaints. Dusik has business in Seoul too, she drops him off and he forgot about his phone. Dusik visits a dentist psychiatrist clinic.

Hyejin attends a dental conference. They all brag about their practices and Hyejin lied about the quality of her dental practice saying that she works in a hospital, also how the seaside is more developed. Hyejin continues to mock them and accidentally meets Dusik. Dusik tells her that he saw her invitation inside the car hence knowing her location. Whiel they were talking, one of her acquaintances saw them both and took photos. While driving around Seoul, Hyejin and Dusik competes themselves about their preferred home. Hyejin says that Seoul is better while Dusik prefers the seaside and tells her how suffocating Seoul is with all the buildings. He got a point. Not everyone is meant for either the city life or the seaside. These 2 are totally polar opposites. Dusik asks her to drop him off at the restaurant as there’s an emergency meeting.

When she returned. One of her acquaintances asks her who the man in the photo is and Hyejin doesnt respond at a classroom groupchat. She defends herself and tells them that he’s not her boyfriend. Zooms in on the photo and tells herself that its not cute, but her expression tells different. A flashback scene of Dusik falling asleep in her car. She feels bad for his uncomfortable sleeping position and adjusts his seat. Dusik notices and he remembers that moment. At night, Dusik had a nightmare and we dont know what. He wakes up and drinks some sort of pills. Maybe it was the reason for him visiting Seoul? Does he have a past that we dont know?

Treating Gamri

As dentist and doctors they dont like patients wasting their time. If they come for a checkup they have to pay. Gamri who is pain wants a implant complaints how the fee is expensive and wants to remove her weak teeth. Since she doesnt want to spend on her treatment and tells them to leave. Respect the doctor’s time, they would rather have time with patient who’s willing to pay and pay attention to rather than not. Dusik complains why she’s rude to Gamri.

He eventually paid for Gamri’s treatment but she threw water at him clearly annoyed and tells him to get lost. Dusik convinces Hyejin to treat Gamri since he’ll be paying. Tells her that Gamri’s completely selfless and yet doesnt take care of herself. Hyejin tells him that Gamri is selfish but defends her and says that she’s the most selfless woman that he’s ever met.

Dusik defends her saying that she burdens herself to take care of her children. Hyejin doesnt understand and its frustrating to watch. She tells him that parents being healthy for a long time is what a good parent is to their kids. So when the kid grows up they wont struggle taking care of their parents. Hyejin has a different upbringing so she couldnt relate. They shouldnt endure the pain just so they could save money for their children. Because in the end children will have to take care of them. Hyejin gets teary eyed and emotional when mentioning this. Leaving Dusik teary eyed too and in shock by her response. A flashback memory of Hyejin and her mother. She sees her mother struggling in pain in the bathroom without her mother knowing that she saw the incident. She was very young when it happened. Then the time they were in Seoul, Dusik observed Hyejin watching a mother-daughter and remembered her saying to him that her mother passed away. He inwardly thinks that Hyejin lied to him and obviously she still remembers her mother.

Dusik gets to know her from this alone and understands her view point. Pains to see that Hyejin didnt really had a good childhood and care. Dusik visits Gamri the next day. Tells her that someone told him advice and repeats Hyejin’s words to Gamri. Gamri thinks about his words and i think she’ll do the treatment. Also the reason why Dusik is paying for Gamri’s treatment is because the son refuses to pay. Hyejin complains about the food she eats and notices how the food is difficult to chew. She probably was reminded of Gamri.

Hyejin sees Gamri’s name and meets her infront of her house and Gamri invites her into her home. Gamri showed her appearance at a tv show. It showecase her father who finally gets recognized as a military man who fought for the country’s independence. The piece of certificate has chinese characters that Gamri couldnt read. Gamri new Dusik as a young boy and read the characters for her. He also showed up in the recorded tape. The taping was aired 2 years ago and Gamri tells her that she was named after the flag. Gamri was very proud of her father. They enjoyed their time together and Hyejin enjoyed her meal. Gamri tells her for driving her to Seoul.

Every visit has a reason, Hyejin tells her that she will give Gamri a discount for the materials that will be used. Hyejin tells her to keep it a secret for the reputation of her clinic. Hyejin tells her that she found out that her favorite food is squid and is reminded of her own mother. She eventually helps her with her implants. Gamri probably noticed and tells her that Dusik likely said something to her to make her change her mind. Gamri tells her Dusik is kind but so nosy. Hehe. Hyejin agrees. Gamri tells her that Dusik hung the bell that she likes so much.

The next day Gamri eventually visits the clinic on her own & pays for the entire fee. Gamri reports to Dusik about her implants and Dusik is shocked by her statement. She complains about her anesthesia wearing off. Dusik is very happy that she got treated and tells him that Ms Yoon visited her and offered her a discount. Gamri tells him that she may look cold as ice but she’s a softie. Gamri tells him that she probably been through alot in her life.

Dusik goes to Hyejin’s house after she reported that her lights went out and apologizes to her for judging her. He finally found the other pair of her shoes and returned it to her. Her lights went back on too. Hyejin tells him that she made a mistake, hopefully after earning money she’ll eventually return to Seoul. But i bet Dusik is hoping that she wouldnt and stay.

The epilogue: Dusik found her other pair of shoes while fishing. It was hiding behind the log. Hahaha. Dusik also makes an effort by searching how to clean up the shoe. Dusik also brought the other pair of shoe when Hyejin wasnt looking and sneaked it back to her shoe closet!

Episode 3 - Dont judge the book by it’s cover. Sometimes the way people act is because they were affected from their past. Hyejin is a good person but sometimes her actions comes off wrong and rude but Dusik sees the light in her and treats her better only when she does treat others better too.

Parents also have the right to live the way they want. They earned it but children will always be their priority but in the end it shouldnt be the end of their own life, not caring for themselves. Take care of yourself then you can take care for others

I also love the hedgehog reference. I always wonder when they're going to bring that up! Theyre sharp on the outside but once being cared for they're soft animals. Hyejin is just misunderstood and Dusik is slowly realizing it.

Honestly find the drama really slow and i understand why some may find this boring but i do appreciate the subtle character development each episode. Dusik seem to slowly be more nice and caring towards Hyejin too. Im not entirely sure about this drama. Its definitely more character driven than plot development and its slower compared to other healing dramas. There isnt much going on but hopefully there’s more to it than what they’re showing.

[reincarnated70sbaby]

star crossed

-chapter four-

*disclaimer: this work is entirely fiction, all scenes with real life people presented in this work are entirely fictitious.*

word count : 2.4k

warnings : angst! (af!) swearing ?  charlie watts being unbothered as ever, did i mention angst?

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After a couple drinks in, the conversation of recording a track started up. Jimmy was actually quite excited, a Rolling Stones and Jimmy Page track was bound to happen sometime. Sure, Jimmy had played with them in his session days, but not anything to the extent of actually being featured and credited for the track. They decided to come back tomorrow to Bill’s home studio to record a track that might feature on the upcoming Goats Head Soup album. Two nights previous, he finished up the English leg of the 72/73 tour. In a couple weeks, Led Zeppelin would be embarking on their biggest tour yet - the 73 North American tour. There was plans to record a concert film and album, and Jimmy was really hopeful everything would work out.

“Lads I’m about to fucking pass out here, I’m out, see you all tomorrow yeah?”

“All right Jim, see y’a tomorrow, not to early mate right?”

After agreeing to come in the early afternoon with Bill , he bid goodnight to the rest of crew there, Charlie and the pianist for the album, Nicky. Sure, they weren’t as wild as the Toxic Twins, but they were still good company - better than getting drunk in his hotel room alone.

Walking back to his hotel room, the walk felt much longer than 10 minutes. Even though it was the beginning of February, and therefore the start of spring, he had to wrap his arms around himself to preserve body heat.

Reaching the hotel lobby, he was met with the warm air of the large room. Red carpets and gold accents adorned the room. It was quite late in the night - or early in the morning, so he decided to skip going to the bar in hopes of picking up a partner and instead, head straight to his room. On his way into the elevator, he passed two women, both wearing sunglasses. He thought that peculiar, and even more peculiar, he thought he recognised the woman with short brunette hair. After attempting to place the woman, he concluded he was in no state of mind to try.

Laying down on his bed, his thoughts wondered to Alice. He hadn’t heard anything about her since they were last together. He wasn’t even sure if she was still in the music business. He wondered would he ever see her again. He hoped he would, but a feeling in his gut told him it would happen eventually. Sooner, or later, he thought.

Waking up slightly hungover, he showered and prepared for the day of recording ahead. It wasn’t to be a serious session, more of a jam of sorts and hopefully produce a track in the process.

Strolling casually into Bill’s recording studio, he noticed that, as per usual, everybody was there expect Mick. On second look he noticed that Mick Taylor was not there either.

“Where are the Mick’s?”

“I think Jagger is just late, but oh, theres Taylor there now!”

Just as Keith finished speaking, Mick Taylor walked in, guitar case in hand. This would be the first time Jimmy and Mick played together, and he hoped they would get on well.

“Jimmy, great to see you again, ready to play?”

“Nice to see you too, lets get down to it shall we boys?”

Mick Jagger had finally arrived, so he and Keith were working on lyrics, while Charlie and Bill were working on rhythms and riffs, leaving Jimmy and Mick Taylor to work out the main guitar melody. They worked really well together, as they both had the same blues origins and both loved incorporating it into new material.

“So who's the sound tech here anyway” Jimmy asked, while in the process of tuning his guitar down.

“Allie, she's been with us for the album, she's great, have you met her before?”

“Hmm, the name doesn't sound familiar I don't think”

“Well she had an appointment, so she’ll probably be here within the next hour” Mick commented, a shy smile coming onto his face when mentioning her.

After around half an hour of messing around, the boys were finally ready to start the recording tapes. All that stopped then was the missing sound tech.

“Good afternoon boys, I, being your guardian angel have brought lunch for all of us” Alice said cheerily, bursting through the door with a bright smile.

Jimmy’s head shot up at the sound of her voice, suddenly connecting all the dots. The feeling in his gut about meeting her, the woman in the hotel, and the ‘Allie’ nickname.

“Oh thank you Alice, forgot to mention we invited a special guest to join our entourage, last night at Bill’s after you and Taylor left” spoke Mick Jagger with his usual eloquence.

“Alice!”

“Jimmy” Alice replied curtly, a hint of sourness in her blank expression. Jimmy was now in front of Alice, greeting her.

“It’s a pleasure to see you again, its been what, nearly four years! I didn’t even know if you were still an audio tech” Jimmy said warmly, excited to see her again

“I would say it’s a pleasure to see you too, but its not, so I wont” Alice casually said, blanking him, and moving further into the room. She set the bags of fresh food on the table, in the back of the recording section of the large hall. Jimmy watched her walk away casually, totally taken off guard by her coldness. The rest of the Stones all caught this too, extremely confused, but a little entertained by their encounter.

“Wait, you guys know each other?” Keith asked, a small smirk on his lips, pointing between the two.

“I would say used to know, I was on of the engineers on Zeppelin II in 69”

“Hold on, I didn’t know you worked Zeppelin II? That means you must have been a teenager when you worked on it. Blimey” Mick, asked, all of this coming news to him, as well to the others. 

“I suppose you wouldn’t, after all I wasn’t even credited, nor my boss Tom” Alice said coolly, still not turning away from setting up the various soups and sandwiches. 

Obviously, the teenage Alice that Jimmy once knew was long gone. 

“God, Allie you look so old, what are you now? Twenty four, twenty five” Jimmy asked, sampling the new nickname, trying to break the stifling awkwardness that now infected the room.

“Still getting my age wrong I see, Jimmy. Im surprised you still know my name, after all the stunts you pulled over the last four years” Alice replied, walking directly towards Jimmy, accompanied with razor sharp glare. She now stood directly on front of him, slightly invading his personal space. She has grown taller and her face matured, loosing the slight roundness to her cheeks she once possessed. She apparently had cut off her long wavy crimson locks, in favour of a modern, dark brown bob.

“Uh, what’re you talking about?” Jimmy asked chuckling nervously as he scratched his head, hoping she wouldn’t notice his feigned innocence.

“Oh I’m sure you know, as does everyone else in this room. I don't really have the energy to continue this irrelevant conversation, or frankly, any conversation in general with you at this point. Also, it’s Alice to you” Alice stated sternly with a finger pointed to his chest. Jimmy could practically see the ice swirling in her cool blue eyes, the eyes he had come to miss over the years. He had never had encountered her true, red headed temperament. Now that he was on the receiving end, he desperately wanted to stay away from it.

“I’m not really hungry anyway, so I’ll be in the mod room if you guys need me” Alice said, directing her words to everyone but Jimmy, before leaving and entering the conjoining mod room. Mick Taylor quickly set his down his burnt orange Les Paul, then followed Alice out of the room.

“Woah, I haven’t seen drama like this since the last time Mick and Bowie had an arguement - which was last week, I think hmm” Keith remarked with a sarcastic finger on his chin, before moving to serve himself some soup.

“Actually Keef, I think this charade is a lot more entertaining than David’s and I’s little tiffs, as this is bit more of a lovers quarrel”

“Better not let Taylor hear that, or he’ll have to have a word with you Pagey” Bill commented, wide grin now on his face.

Jimmy was now the confused one. He turned to Charlie, silently asking him about Alice and Mick with the point of his finger. Charlie simply shrugged his shrugged his shoulders in response before going back to drumming a riff with the hi-hats and snare drums.

After everybody had ate or, cooled off, recording was finally underway. After a couple of takes, Alice interrupted to give some pointers.

“Look boys, I’m gonna be candid with you all. It sounds shit” Alice said into the mic. Ever since she had gotten more experience under belt, she became renowned for her no bullshit opinions. In turn, people valued her honestly and knew what she said was, more often than not, right.

“Yeah, boys let’s not sugarcoat it, we’re not exactly gelling as one” Keith commented, starting to become fed up with having to balance not only Mick Jaggers usual dramatics, but another egotistical lead guitarist in the mix.

“Okay, what do you think love?” Mick Taylor asked softly, trying to keep the peace before something erupted. He wasn’t wrong, the Stones, along with a quarter of Led Zeppelin, and a hot headed tech was a bit of a lethal cocktail. Fights often combusted quickly between the Stones and Alice, as all members were just as stubborn as each other.

“Well it sounds like there’s 5 Stones, and 25% Led Zeppelin playing. What I want, and what fans want to hear is The Stones featuring Jimmy Page. You five need to change your usual routine of recording for once and mix it up. And you” she looked to Jimmy “need to stop pretending you’re with the other boys. You both need to work with each others strengths and quit overcompensating. Stop pretending you’re something you’re not”

Everybody in the entire house probably could pick up that the last sentence was a direct jab to Jimmy. Another awkward silence passed, ultimately stemming from a staring contest between Alice and the famed guitarist.

“Oh my fucking god, kill me now” Mick muttered, pinching his nose, while Charlie just rolled his eyes and started drumming the start of the song. Eventually Keith started the riff with Mick Taylor,along with Bill and Charlie carrying the bass and percussion, and Mick Jagger singing the lyrics. Only when they reached the solo part, did Jimmy break eye contact with Alice and begin playing.

Finishing up recording, the boys all started to leave. Mick and Jimmy were the last to pack up their stuff, and an uncomfortable air fell over them. Obviously they both either had history, or were making history with Alice. Eventually Mick realised he should probably let the pair talk it out, so, as Jimmy toward the mod room door, Mick moved toward the hallway door.

“Alice, can we talk? Obviously things have become a bit strained between us, and I don’t want it to stay like this” Jimmy started softly. It was probably his choice of words that set Alice off, as immediately after his finished she whipped around from the sound board and kicked off.

“ 'Strained' Jimmy, are you serious?! Strained?! First of all, you didn’t even tell me you weren’t mixing the album with us, and then you just left after our night together. Then- don’t try to interrupt me James. Then, you barely even credit Tom for his songwriting tips on the album. You didn’t even mention me once, even whenever anyone brings up that Theremin part in ‘Whole Lotta Love’! You blush and go on to explain how it was your own fantastic brain that thought of it. The you had the audacity to diss Mystic studios in the papers! What was it you said again? Oh yeah, 'Mystic Studios was far from mystical and closer to meagre, and as a result, the workers were too.” Alice snarled, stream practically blowing out her ears.

“Okay, I agree that comment about Mystics’s capabilities was definitely wrong, I was extremely out of it in that interview- hell I even jibed Atlantic Records!” Jimmy was now getting frustrated too. Normally, no one put him in his place, or gave out to him.

“And then how cold you were about Tom!”

“Wait what happened with Tom?” Jimmy inquired, now serious.

“Oh my fucking god Jimmy” Alice shouted at him “you don’t even remember to you?” She said with a laugh. She searched his face, but all she saw was confusion in his light grey eyes.

“Tom had a fucking stroke last year. Peter told you, and don’t you dare deny it, as he told me he informed you all when I spoke to him on the phone. For Christ’s sake even Bonzo rang to see how he was doing! He didn’t even have my number, but he found it anyway! Robert and John joined the call after he finished speaking. When I asked for you, they said you were in a closet fucking a groupie!”

“Look Alice, I’m sorry, I don’t know what to sa-”

“I’m not surprised Jimmy, it’s a marvel you can play guitar at all, with having no fucking sense in your thick head”

“Stop being so fucking rude to me, you’re not perfect either! Don’t act so high and mighty! I know what went on in Geffen records! I’m mates with David Geffen” Jimmy was no shouting too. At the mention of David Geffen, Alice’s face immediately switched from red to a pale white.

“You do not know what happened between myself and David, if you did, you wouldn’t speak to him ever again” Alice spoke low and slowly, her face now white as a sheet.

Unbeknownst to the pair, all of the Stones were listening outside. When they heard Jimmy shouting about Geffen, Mick Taylor had enough and burst in. The rest of the boys tried to stop him, but he broke free.

“Jimmy, stop it. You don’t know anything about the Geffen incident. You don’t know Alice anymore. I suggest you leave her alone before I step in more. Al, let’s go, our driver is outside.” Mick stretched his hand out to Alice, her eyes now watery, trying to bite down her quivering lip.

Alice immediately joined Mick, and left without a second look to Jimmy.

Jimmy, now alone in the mod room, felt his gut twist with guilt. Had something bad happened with David Geffen and Alice? His mind wondered to Mick’s choice of words -‘incident’. He had heard rumours that were more damaging on David’s behalf, but being friendly with him, he thought he knew him better than all the tabloids and industry gossip.

Jimmy realised that both he and Alice had changed drastically in the last four years, how could he have expected everything to go back to how it was in the summer of ‘69? Now, they were even more distant than ever before.

Maybe they had missed their chance at eternity. Maybe the stars had uncrossed.

His heart nearly broke at the revelation.

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ok so chapter four !!!

I wanna write angst more often it’s my guilty pleasure

anyway, I think this is my favourite piece I’ve written 😌

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tag list : @rebel-without-a-zeppelin @princesspagey @dreamersdrowse

[primedirection]

Needy

Harry thinks Y/N is needy

Weeks go by and almost all has been swept under the rug. As far as you knew Harry had been completely oblivious to the event he missed. Only ever asking questions about it when seeing the trophy and although it made you furious. Very furious. You made the conscious decision to pretty much pretend it never happened in order to save yourself the grief.

Why get so worked up over something that wasn't even a blip on his radar? He probably wouldn't react the way he's supposed to, therefore causing more drama so there was really no point.

Especially since he gets swept into a mania of his own and things are a little tense. Four different performances this week, a televised album release party slash live show, not including other TV appearances, and the perfectionist in him is running wild.

Okay so actually.. things are super tense these days.

The late rehearsals and early sound checks were meshing together. Cutting into the limited time that you two barely had to spend together. Since he was bound to start his international promotional tour in the following weeks.

Today it was Harry's idea to come out and spend the day with him and yet you wished to be anywhere he wasn't.

While in the backseat of a town car on the way to the venue, Harry was completely and utterly glued to his phone. Scowl on his face and stress apparent in the tension of his shoulders. You thought that it would help if you loved on him little bit, maybe with a warm squeeze around his tummy and chaste kiss to the cheek. So you did just that. Smiling an encouraging, "Love you," up at him and waiting for the returned gesture.

But you couldn't have been more wrong.

Harry flinches instinctively, startled more or less and when you smile at him he frowns thoroughly irritated, "Can yeh give me two bloody minutes to breathe? I literally feel like I'm suffocating!" he snaps.

Hurt, you deflate immediately muttering a quick, "Sorry," before sliding back on your side as close as possible to the window. Trying to give him the space he needed.

Harry kills all hope of the ride becoming pleasant again when he huffs a grim but satisfied, "Thank you." Then occupies himself with his phone again.

He doesn't say another word until you arrive at the venue, and it's to a production manager. You get a tour of the backstage area and then of the enormous arena itself. In that process your previous inner turmoil was put out by empathy and pride. All at once you understood why he was so on edge but you were also extremely proud of him. Jeff had just informed him that it was a sold out show too. That all these empty seats would be filled up just to see him.

Filled with enamor, you couldn't help yourself when you catch him coming off the stage. Quietly discussing a delay in the equipment set up with Jeff. A playful pat on his butt instantly grabs his attention and you smile excitedly, "You would be the one to sell out this massive place, I'm so happy for you babe!"

Jeff quickly makes himself scarce and for the lack of an audience your grateful. But perhaps you should've taken note because once again Harry startles in an irritable way. The muscles in his jaw taught as he suddenly and briskly ushers you by the upper arm to an unoccupied area backstage, "Jesus Christ, why are you everywhere I turn? You do realize that I'm working right now, right? I don't have time to deal with this needy shit all day."

Though this time around you struggle to just take it on the chin. Harry was literally treating you like some burden that begged to come and not like you had to clear your whole schedule of things that were actually top priority just to be here. "Needy? I'm just trying to be supportive!"

"Okay and you can't do that from the stands? You're not some sort of puppy that needs to be wrapped round my leg Y/N! Look, I know I invited you but the point is to enjoy the ride and go with the flow not stand in my way." The fact that he lowers his voice and yet his tone is blaring really hits you in the feelings.

It wasn't just because he was stressed but he genuinely felt that way.

Suddenly, you didn't want to be here nonetheless anywhere near him. You hoped that he detected your new jilted attitude, "Sorry, you're right. From now on you wont even know I'm here." You smile so overtly sweet it bleeds of sarcasm.

Harry doesn't even realize the lack of sincerity in it anyway. Stalking off after a surly, "Perfect." Leaves his lips.

With that you go to sit in the stands as he wanted, but on your way theres commotion coming from the same direction Harry just went. In the distance you spot him greet one of his opening acts with the most enthusiasm in the world. Hugging her and laughing with her like there wasn't a care in the world. When literally less than a minute ago he was yelling at you. Suddenly you couldn't get away from him fast enough. Only finding solace in the nosebleeds rather than the enticing idea of going home altogether.

This is disturbingly new. You'd been to plenty of Harry's shows where his moods often ranged from amped to sometimes getting nervous enough to maybe make him a little frustrated. But even then it wasn't unleashed on you, and like that. How could he treat you one way and in the next breath switch it up? You didn't like that one bit.

Watching his set was too difficult to enjoy anymore due to bias, unable to stop playing his words in your head. Needy? Was it really needy to show him some love in times he was obviously anxious? Definitely not, and even if it was it didn't give him an excuse to be an asshole about it. Especially since he wanted you to come in the first place.

Rehearsals drag on for what feels like eternity. Costume changes and numerous sound checks later, lunch is offered in the catering area but you politely decline. Hanger seemed like such a small price to pay in exchange for being subjected to his unnecessary attitude. In this case distance was best for the both of you.

Proven when he doesn't even bother to come look for you, or say anything really, at least not until he's ready to go home. Even then it's only a text.

On the ride home his mood has done a total 180. In the greatest mood to talk about his band mates and opening act's hijinks. You honestly tried not to take the way he acted personally but the complete personality flip made it impossible. How could he be that unfair?

Making it a point to avoid any and all contact with him by sitting in the same position as you had when you arrived. He uneasily takes notice, "Alright?"

"Yeah, just tired..." Of your bullshit! You mentally add on glaring out the window. Conveniently he received a phone call anyway.

Once you get home you decide to cure your possible hanger and make something quick to eat. Missing Harry reappear in the room in the process, "I guess catering doesn't count as dinner huh?" He attempts to be playful with you to check your temperature. Your unusual silence naturally made him uneasy.

"I didn't eat. Didn't want to risk overcrowding so I stayed in the stands," Like you wanted! You ached to add but held your tongue.

He doesn't dwell on it anyway. Chirping and fluttering about behind you as you make your way around the kitchen and to the table. "Love, guess what... I get to do a funny skit with James in a couple days!"

"That's great," you reply sitting down and albeit with forced enthusiasm.

He wordlessly follows suit practically singing, "Do yeh wanna come watch? It'll be fun."

Your sarcasm comes instinctively with a sharp roll of your eyes, "Like today? Hard pass, enjoy yourself though."

Harry's eagerness melts away like an ice cube on a hot summer sidewalk. No longer in the mood for elusiveness, "Alright I'll bite, what's going on with yeh?"

"With me? Nothing." You shrug shoveling around the food on your plate, loosing your appetite more and more by the second. Impending doom so palpable you could damn near taste that instead.

"Doesn't seem like nothing," he retorts with a brow cocked expectantly.

He could go to hell with the explanation he thought he deserved, "Doesn't matter," you sigh pleading to the high heavens that he'd leave it alone so that once again you could save yourself the agonizing grief.

Just as stubborn as you are he continues to push, "Based on how you're acting, it apparently does. So what is it?"

"Just drop it Harry," you groan agitated. At this rate you'll definitely be staying in the guest room tonight.

"No," This time he takes it a step further and moves your plate out of reach so that there was nothing to distract you. "Tell me." He demands.

Though the manner in which he does it is not to simply just to get to the root of the problem and solve it, but seems to be just for the confrontation. To point fingers at you being the problem, and so you snap, "Okay fine! You treat me like shit and it's not okay."

Unsurprisingly his face contorts into total confusion, "Where's this coming from?!"

But you're all too thrilled to remind him, "In the car and in rehearsals. One minute you're snapping at me for being needy when I was just trying to offer support, and in the next you're giving all the love and admiration to your opener and everyone else you work with!"

The frown etching on his face told you that he was going to deny everything and he did not disappoint, "No I wasn't, yeh were all over me,"

"Yeah okay, because reminding you that I love you and how proud I am is smothering?" An incredulous dry laugh summons itself, "Really?"

"When I'm in the middle of a conversation with Jeff! Obviously at that moment I was frustrated." Harry argues.

"You weren't frustrated when you hugged Kacy and joked around with Mitch right after! It's like everyone else gets a pass except me, but you know what it doesn't matter. Just keep that same energy so that I can properly navigate you. Because if I was suffocating then then I must be suffocating all the time." You glumly add, standing up and grabbing the plate you no longer had any interest in eating anymore.

In response Harry sighs loudly, and for a moment you start to believe that he's beginning to come to his senses but a quick glance reveals the most condescending and patronizing eye roll with it. Eventually he stands too, restoring his chair the way he found it. A passive yet aggressive, "Just forget I fucking asked," muttered under his breath.

Irking you enough to toss the plate absentmindedly into the sink, "Or just be a man about it and fucking own it!" You shout at him angrily.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean? I can't own something yeh literally made from nothing!" He shouts back.

"From nothing are you kidding me?! Why the hell is it so hard for you to admit when you're wrong! I am so tired of sweeping everything you do under the rug! I let that stupid fashion show slide but today-" Before you can get the words out properly its like something literally clicks in Harry's head. Making him angry as well.

His fingers rake frustratedly through his silky mane, "So that's what this is really about hmm? Why you've been acting so-" He exhales heavily through flared nostrils. You stare annoyed but patiently wait for him to make his point, "For fucksake how many times do we have to go through this? She is just a friend! Ken needed me-"

It's a combination of things. The way he says it and the gall of what he actually says that makes you feel three words short of a brain aneurysm. You explode, "She needed you? Harry, I needed you!" Your chest heaves from the exertion of shouting, "I made an absolute fool of myself that night! That had almost nothing to do with her and everything to do about us! The one fucking time I ask you to put me first, I'm last on your list. I know it's not the Grammy's or the Met Gala but it was important to me."

His head shakes in denial as he forces himself not to roll his eyes again, "Yeh miss things that are important to me all the time Y/N and I never whine about it!"

"If I'm whining about it its because there's a huge difference in not being able to catch a flight across the world at the last minute and not showing up to something on a whim— something I've been talking about for the past three years now!" You yell, so angry that it's actively getting harder to see straight. Apparently the wound had been fresher than you both thought.

"That's not fair," he argues. In his mind the situations were like comparing oranges to apples.

"Exactly." You concede folding your arms across your chest. Getting him to see the error in his ways was something like playing chess. Though the point wasn't to defeat but to enlighten. "How am I supposed to feel when you still don't even seem all that sorry or remorseful about it?"

Defense takes reign over Harry's better judgment as he starts to feel like this unethical argument is not meant for him to win, "Really? Over a bloody office party?!" He scoffs incredulous and somewhat amused at the same time. "I could understand if I did something actually wrong and horrible but this doesn't equate-"

At that another agonizing explosion erupts within and hits hard mentally and emotionally. Starting out as a fit of rage when you slam your hand down on the counter in reflex but rapidly that dwindles down into crushing defeat. It wasn't just the attempt in basically talking to a brick wall but the fact that he didn't want to accept what he did wrong. Maybe ego or even his foolish pride is to blame, either way he just wasn't going to.

Obviously you were wasting your breath but there was just one important fact that your very own pride wouldn't allow you to leave without getting it off your chest first, "Stop calling it that! Stop trying to diminish what it was! Because even if it was a lemonade stand it wouldn't have made the slightest difference — it was important to me Harry."

His gaze passively transfers to kitchen floor and for a few moments you wait for him to say something—anything. But when nothing comes you give up, heading straight to the guest room a total mess. So overwhelmed with frustration and emotions.

(AN: Come share your thoughts with me!xx)

Next Part

[danahmbisyosangdoktora]

Wow, I’m ten months behind in this supposed “drama list” ??? LOL why did I even try? I should just accept the fact that I am no longer capable of maintaining this blog. Just kidding! Of course... I still have to do this! 

Here’s the many dramas I have watched for the past months I’ve been... away... and working (wew! you know, I’m employed *winks*... but can still watch ofc ofc #asiandramaislife)

NOTE: I’m not gonna include the plot anymore because it takes so much characters and effort. Also I don’t have much luxury of time to rephrase each of them (because we don’t tolerate copy-paste here). I mean I only get them from Wiki! Anyway...

FEBRUARY Let’s Fight Ghost Rating: ★★★★☆ | Moderate plot Country: South Korea Genre: Horror, Mystery, Romantic Comedy No. of Episodes: 16 Thoughts: Watched this because of my number one bae, Kim So-hyun!!! This has been on my list since time immemorial but only decided to watch it this year and month. This is a breather from my usual high school drama (because I so dig this theme/genre) since it includes some uh, supernatural elements. Over-all, it was wrapped up nicely and the drama is such a good mix of different... flavors, be it horror, mystery, romance and comedy... I must say. Finished Watching: February 02, 2019 

Witch’s Love Rating: ★★★☆☆ | Light plot Country: South Korea No. of Episodes:12 Genre: Romantic Comedy, Fantasy Thoughts: I LITERALLY WATCHED THIS BECAUSE I SAW A CLIP ON FB AND THOUGHT THE LEAD ROLE GUY WAS CHANYEOL!!! #clown. It’s my first time to see Yoon So-Hee in a lead role. The last I saw her was in the Ruler: Master of the Mask. The drama is cute! I really ship the main actors!!! It’s kind of confusing in the middle but soon, you’ll get a hang of it... or is it just me?  Finished Watching: February 07, 2019.

SKY Castle Rating: ★★★★★ | Heavy plot Country: South Korea No. of Episodes: 20 + special Genre: Satire, Drama, Black Comedy, Family, School Thoughts: I HAVE NEVER SEEN A DRAMA THIS HEAVY??? Maybe it’s just me?? Coz this is the first time I shifted from the usual mood and age of the actors I watch??? I’ve only been seeing tweets about this drama during it’s airing that said “it’s a must-watch” and the like so I literally got curious and watched it. I don’t remember how exactly I felt during the earlier parts of the drama but I’m sure I never dropped it/delayed it until I was able to keep up with the weekly release of episodes. It’s a total page-turner if it is compared to a book. I really like how it was able to portray the side of education that most people with not-so-obsessed-with-merit-parents don’t understand; the manipulation, the strict competition and the emotional impact it brings to the family ganoin. I love how each family has their own issue and how it all got twisted together (I’m that obsessed with angst). It could really be just me because it’s my first time but I totes recommend!!!!!! Finished Watching: February 11, 2019

On Your Wedding Day (Movie) Rating: ★★ ☆☆☆ | Light plot Country: South Korea Genre: Melodrama, Romance Thoughts: Meh. Just kidding! I watched this during one of my night duties together with my workmate. She was actually the one who’s watching, naki-panood lang ako lol the plot really didn’t appeal to me... or because my attention wasn’t on it full time because I remember we stopped for a moment because I had to work hehe anyway, as someone who fancies... tragedies, it’s nice to see a drama which deviates from the usual happy ending of lead roles.  Finished Watching: February 20, 2019

MARCH Hwayugi Rating: ★★★★☆ | Moderate Plot Country: South Korea No. of Episodes: 20 Genre: Fantasy, Romance, Comedy, Horror Thoughts: I remember watching this because I was in the mood for a supernatural theme.This has been on my list since its release too but only found the mood to watch this month. It’s the right amount of every genre, I love how it turned out. I watched this alongside four other dramas hahaha la lung, just to put it out there. 

I wasn’t able to note what date I exactly finished this though.

Romance is a Bonus Book Rating: ★★★★☆ | Light plot Country: South Korea No. of Episodes: 16 Genre: Comedy, Romance, Life, Drama Thoughts: Watched this when it’s on-going because it’s my number one oppa and nation’s boyfriend, LJS! I was actually surprised he was paired with a noona but ofc ofc, he was able to carry it. I was kilig the entire time! This is actually very close to my heart; aside from it being the last drama of LJS before enlisting, he was actually a Chief Editor!!! He’s really out there outdoing the man of my dreams by taking all roles/professions I like for my man and myself be it a journalist, a doctor, a lawyer/prosecutor and here, an editor. It’s actually not that deep? It focused on how one found love in the middle of career development and adulting. I really admire Jong Suk’s character here because he’s not the type to shove his feelings to the woman and respected whatever decisions she has. Finished Watching: March 29, 2019

Cart (Movie) Rating: ★★★★☆ | Moderate plot Country: South Korea Genre: Life, Drama, Family Thoughts: This was just one of my ‘catching-up-with-EXO-dramas’ moment. Okay, I cried. The plot isn’t perfect but it’s super powerful, it was able to speak volumes. It’s not enough (for a movie) but it was able to talk about the struggle of the working class and was able to show the wicked side of employers and how the upper class together with the media and the government handle situations such as workers’ protest. Just a little eye-opener to those who can’t seem to understand this matter. Finished Watching: March 29, 2019

JUNE Criminal Minds Rating: ★★★★☆ | Moderate plot Country: South Korea No. of Episodes: 20  Genre: Action, Mystery, Detective Thoughts: I was randomly watching tvN via SKY Cable (yes free promo) when I stumbled upon its episode 12. My mom joined me and we got hooked and curious, she asked me to search for the drama so we can watch it from the start. I think this was the first time that I watched an investigative drama. Not sure if Terius Behind Me and Strong Woman Bong Soon count so this was probably a first. Also, based on my little research, there are cases incorporated in the drama that actually happened in real life in Korea. I really love this! Finished Watching: June 09, 2019

Her Private Life Rating: ★★★★★ | Light plot Country: South Korea No. of Episodes: 16 Genre: Comedy, Romance Thoughts: I HAVE NEVER RELATED TO A DRAMA SO BAD AS I DID HERE!!! Of course, it’s a fangirl’s story!!! This was a bit anticipated by stan twitter and I’m one of them. Watched this while it’s on-going. Although the fangirl life was put aside in the middle of the plot to give way for the romance, I was glad someone thought of making a drama out of a fangirl’s perspective. I must say, Deok Mi is one hell of a fangirl! I can only dream of being on her level. Of course, that’s understandable because her character is a masternim.

To conclude my thought on this drama in two words: SANA ALL! Finished Watching: June 10, 2019

Put Your Head On My Shoulders Rating: ★★★★☆ | Light plot Country: China  No. of Episodes: 24 Genre: Youth, School, Romance, Comedy Thoughts: My coming-of-age and high school romance fix! This was one of the many “Facebook made me watch this” because again, I saw a clip of this drama on FB and got curious so I watched it! Haha I seriously can make a list of this sort though. I was lucky to be able to catch it while it’s on-going hahaha so much for #TeamOnGoing. It’s cute, tamang kilig ba. Finished Watching: June 21, 2019

It’s not a lot because I only watch whenever I’m off duty, whenever I get off from work or whenever I can squeeze it during work hours while waiting for blood work he he he 

Some people ask how I manage watching this lot. 

Answer: just watch a lot. 

The past months, I realize I’ve been watching a minimum of five dramas at the same time. Since most of the dramas I watch are all on-going, it’s not that hard to watch all of them. I watch either which ever drama updates first or what I feel watching first. Actually, each drama has their own schedules naman... one drama I watch either updates on Wed/Thu, another Thu/Fri then one on Fri/Sat and so on kaya it’s really not that hard. It’s also the reason why I get to watch completed dramas because each episodes only run for maximum of 1 hour and 30 minutes so let’s say, 4 on-going dramas with 2 episode-updates wont really take a day for me to finish. Remember, we have seven days in a week! So while waiting for the on-going dramas to update, that’s when I watch the completed ones. I only mentally schedule my on-going and completed dramas so I can watch them all equally and just in time when I can still retain what happened on the last episode I left off. Pero there are also times when I like the completed drama so much, I finish it in two days. I stopped finishing dramas in 24hrs because I have commitment issues, ayoko yung iniiwan ako agad cHAROT HAHAHA ANUDAW 

Anyway, ayun lang naman! Let’s see each other again for the other half of this year’s Drama List!

[doof-doofblog]

"Liars Have To Pay!"

Good Evening folks! How have you all been during the past week? I know it's been hard having to stay indoors and try and keep yourself occupied. I've been finding it hard since my workplace closed, and with EastEnders only being on twice a week, it's hard to find things to watch in the evenings. I know how you're all feeling, let's hope that all this that's going on in the world can be slowed down and in time they'll be able to gain control of this awful virus.

Firstly, before we get into tonight's episode, let's talk about the trailer that was dropped on Friday evening. Give us a lot to look forward to during these next few episodes i'm sure! Dotty is still blackmailing Ian after she found out about him trapping Dennis in the boat crash. We know there's going to be some kind of love triangle between her and the two Beale brothers, but will she get what she's really after? The Arches? Will she persuade Ian to get Ben to sign them over to her? Or will she play both Peter and Bobby to get to Ian? I can it being an interesting story-line. 

We also see Linda reaching for the bottle again, but it doesn't necessarily show us her drinking, only sniffing the bottle. Is she about to have a setback?? What i'm interested in is, what actually happens for her to reach and sniff the bottle anyway? Does something happen or is it just left there on a table and she's trying to beat the temptation?! Mick is selling The Vic, could this be what actually makes it the final straw for Linda and will he act fast into selling the pub?! It also appears to be the funeral of Dennis's funeral tonight ... how is Sharon going to cope?! Phil is back and is desperate to speak to Sharon, what could it be about?! I have a feeling it's going to kick off at Dennis's funeral tonight, either Sharon will find out how Dennis died and Ian's involvement, or she'll blame Phil and attack him in some way (Physically or Verbally) ... there is always some sort of reveal or confrontation at an EastEnders funeral, right?!

Ooooooohhhhhh Ben finally says those three words all Ballum fans have been longing to hear!! What makes him finally say these words to Callum? Whatever it may be, i'm looking forward to seeing that episode!! I believe there's been some news, although it could just be a rumour going round, of Grey and Whitney having an affair?! Has this story been confirmed? Is it word of mouth?! Although in the last episode, we did see Whitney give Grey a hug, maybe looking to be comforted as she realises she still feels unsafe in her own home after being released from prison. It's true it did look a bit to cosy, but who knows? It's an interesting rumour and I'm not sure how i'm going to feel if it turns out to be true. For one, Whitney is Chantelle's good friend, why would she do that to her?! Grey, even though he treats his wife appallingly, every time he goes to apologise, he always tells her he loves her. So, who knows what could happen between Whitney and Grey? What do you guys think of this rumour?

Anyway, lets get right stuck into tonight's episode ... Looks like a lot happened tonight, obviously the main focus being young Dennis's funeral. Again, I need to applaud the performance of Letitia Dean, she's been absolutely fantastic acting as the grieving mother over the past few episodes. It was a good one tonight, I was going to say emotional, but there was also a bit of drama there also. 

Dotty is still buzzing around Ian like a queen bee, trying to make sure he's doing what she told him to do. Will she end up having The Arches? Will Ian somehow trick Ben into signing them over to her?! Even when Ian was doing that speech on behalf of Sharon, it was obvious how uncomfortable Ian looked, while Dotty was watching him from across the Square. It looked like she was struggling to get through the day also, when she saw Dennis's coffin and then to see Sharon and the state she was in, she can't be telling Sharon the truth as it will destroy the poor woman even more. However, that does not mean that she wont tell someone else or maybe worse, go to the press about it. The conversation she had with Vinny about liars should pay, she has definitely got a plan up her sleeve. I liked the little friendship going on between Dotty and Vinny, it seemed liked both characters clicked. 

The Panesar boys are still coming to terms with their mother's lies, I think hense why Vinny listened to Dotty and kinda understood what she was saying in some way. Vinny is taking to graffiti and possibly befriending Dotty to cope with Suki lying about cancer. Whereas Jags is cosy-ing up to Habiba. Suki still doesn't care about that impact her actions have taken on her boys, she doesn't care she lied about having cancer, I'm still baffled as to how someone can even do that, it is the lowest of the low! A part of me felt a bit angry that she was even talking about Ben about the loss of Dennis. How dare she give him her condolences.   Really felt for Ben in tonight's episode, firstly being banned from the funeral of a young lad he once saw as his younger brother, that moment when Ben and Callum and sat on the bench watching the hearse leave, it was pretty sad for Ben in that moment, did anyone else notice Callum slightly brush the side of Ben's leg?! Really touching I felt, Callum still trying to be there for his boyfriend, even fixing his tie for him at the beginning of the episode. I'm glad Ben still decided to go the pub to remember Dennis, he was right, Sharon couldn't stop him going to a pub! Ben is coping with a lot at the moment, losing his hearing and also grieving for Dennis. I can understand Jack's concern for Callum, but Callum can make up his own mind about who he sees and who he falls in love, I don't really think it's anyone's business who Callum dates. He can still be in a relationship with Ben (regardless of his history) and still be part of the police force, I mean, why not?! 

I really felt for Linda when Sharon was shouting at her over the pizza, it's clear Sharon wanted everything perfect for her son's last day, it's a shame Linda had to be on the end of her outburst. I think it was the last thing the pair of them needed, Sharon desperate for her son's funeral to go perfectly without a hitch, and Linda to be yelled at and insulted by her best friend after everything she's been through trying to get her life back on track. It's so sweet that Mick is standing by his wife, complementing her and telling her how proud he is of her, it's the Mick and Linda everyone enjoys seeing. Although, when Linda did say she could be one of those people who just has the one drink, my mind did think "Uh-Oh!" ... and when that moment came when she was in the kitchen, oh my mind was racing .... first she walks into the room and sees the vodka bottle ... "Come on, you can do it!" ... she ignores it and heads right for the tea and flings a teabag in the cup ... "Yes, Linda! Good girl!" ... to then her grabbing the bottle and sniffing it ... "Don't do it!" ... Putting the teabag away and pouring the vodka ... "Noooo!!!! Don't do it!" .... Lifting the cup to her lips and drinking it in one gulp ... "Noooooooooo!!! She'll be pouring herself another cup now!" .... then she surprisingly put the lid back on and put the bottle in the cupboard, "Ahhh, is she trying to prove she can just take the one drink and be okay?" ... to then noticing a pen mark on the bottle marking the amount of alcohol inside ... "Oh no! What she going to do now?" .... Then again, she could just throw the bottle down the sick and tell Mick she didn't have any and it was to save her the temptation? Or would that just be a little too easy? It'll be interesting to see what happens next, will she come clean and tell Mick she just had the one, or will he find the bottle before she gets a chance to explain herself? 

Poor poor Sharon, no one should ever have to face burying their child. Letitia Dean has been fantastic the past few episodes. She really despises the Mitchell's at the minute doesn't she? Not even accepting a wreath off Ben, Lola and Lexi ... she didn't even want any of the Mitchell's at the funeral, she's even going by her maiden name now, "Sharon Watts" and even though Phil adopted Dennis, she's now given him his old name "Dennis Rickman Jr". It's as if she's wiped the Mitchell name from her life for good, mainly because she blames Phil for Dennis's death. I found the moment when everyone went the the cars a bit emotional, with the music playing. It seems really touching as a send off for a young character, everyone getting in their cars and then people on the Square watching them drive away, I just found it very touching. Since Ian gave Karen that warning about leaving Walford with Kayden, I've said I wonder how Sharon will react, I'm a bit surprised she seemed okay with it, probably because she's seen it as him doing her a favour, but surely there must be something else? I do think somehow, someway, Sharon will find out what Ian did ... whether it's from Dotty or someone else or another twist of fate. Ooooohh Phil is back, where has he been and what has he got to say to Sharon? She didn't look best pleased to see him when he walked into the Vic! It's all about to kick off tomorrow, I don't know about you guys but i'm really looking forward to seeing how the episode will unfold tomorrow! 

What did you guys think of tonight's episode? Are you glad to see Phil back? What do you think is going to happen next for Linda, will Mick find out?! I'll back again tomorrow another blog! I hope you'll all enjoy your Tuesday! Look after yourself and keep safe! Goodnight everyone! xXx

[a-merman-not-a-guppy]

It will be alright, alright, alright | Carrotflakes

Finn reaches out to Nemo and Tae after an argument with Ariel. The conversation sort of devolves from there. Talk of prom, goats, etc. Group chats man.

@justkeepdancing-nemo​ @moon-yeongtae​

Finn: hi Nemo! hi Tae! I hope it's not weird to put us all together in a chat like this.

Finn: it might be weird Nemo: course its not weird ahah we've group chatted before :heart: Finn: :heart: Finn: I want to ask you guys Finn: well I want to talk Nemo: yeah? whats up!

Finn: i got in a fight with Ariel? Finn: i mean not physically Finn: though she did. got in a physical fight Finn: with ASHLEY A! Nemo: ohhhhh yeah i heard Nemo: at mei's party right??? Nemo: but wait why did u fight ariel then Finn: everyone's heard. Finn: well she just Finn: she's just so Finn: reckless? i mean she told me not to panic Finn: and I know I panic a lot okay. but whenever she says that I swear my heart rate picks up ten times because I know something's happened Finn: and that she's gonna be super casual about it and laugh about it while I have my tenth heart attack of the year Nemo: oh i see Nemo: she's not taking your worry seriously, thats why? Finn: I guess? I mean she never does really. Which I get kind of. Finn: I worry about everything. I know that. Finn: but the ashleys are really awful and I'll cry if they do something awful to her. Finn: I mean it's one thing if it's me, I mean I get it and I'm used to it. but she's my best friend Nemo: :/ ok well she should take your worries seriously Nemo: i get why you'd be upset over that Nemo: and the ashleys arent a joke! they seriously messed with robbie for months under everyone's noses Finn: I've never fought with her before! But this is so... Finn: god and Robbie! Finn: she talked about how you and Robbie were in the burn book too and were 'doing okay' and acting like none of what the Ashleys do is a big deal. Finn: I reminded her of what they did to me and she said it was more reason to stand up and fight them! Finn: I wouldn't ask anyone to do that! Nemo: i mean i think it is important to stand up... i dunno about fight... Nemo: i just mean that we cant let the ashleys rule our lives but yeah purposefully antagonizing them is bad haha why sneak into a falcon's nest you know! Finn: they've ruled my life for years so I guess it's hard for me to even think about that. Finn: i don't want them antagonized and doing awful things to you or to robbie or to ariel. Nemo: :/ Nemo: i mean i get where ariel is coming from Nemo: and you too Nemo: is she really planning to...uh...fight more? what would that even mean? didnt she like punch ashley a or something Finn: I don't know. I think so? Finn: she didn't give me details which made me a little more suspicious but after I reminded her about what the ashleys did she said Finn: ' Youre only giving me more reasons to stand up to them and not let them get away with all of that' Finn: and Finn: 'I cant just stand by anymore and im sorry if that makes you upset and that i didnt do something sooner' Finn: i'd rather be homeschooled again than be the excuse to pick more fights Nemo: aw jingles i hope she isnt gonna involve you Nemo [deleted]: i already feel like i made you a target as it is D: sdlfkajs Nemo: maybe give it a day?? she could calm down! maybe it wont seem so important anymore Nemo: to her, i mean Finn: I asked her not to but there's really no telling with her sometimes. Finn: she really makes rash decisions! Finn: i hope she will but I don't think so. And now we're not talking so I don't know what I'm gonna do Finn: besides maybe idk Finn: do you think Tae would make sure Ariel stays safe? I could make cookies Nemo: course he would but Nemo: ...i dunno if ariel would uh, like that Nemo: i dont know much about her but from everything you're telling me i mean Nemo: though maybe she could eat lunch with us if that would make you feel better! Nemo: except ur fighting Nemo: well after you make up! Nemo: though maybe having three burn book victims in one place is a bad call.... Nemo: hm Nemo: hold on let me think ahah Finn: I just want her to be safe. But I guess you're probably right. she'd hate it Finn: and I feel stupid for not being able to do anything to keep her safe either Nemo: well no matter what we would ALL be there for her if she needs it Finn: I'm so lucky to know you guys. Nemo: im so lucky i know you finn :heart: Nemo: im sorry there's more ashley drama ugh Nemo: if i could go back to new years eve and do it all over again i really would Finn: there's always drama with the ashleys. Finn: next year they're gone though from school! and then it'll be fine! it'll be good. Finn: but I wouldn't change New Years Eve. I did something I'd never do otherwise and I had a lot of fun with my friends before everything Finn: Ashley A can...she can....ugh I can't insult her yet not even like this Finn: but you know what I probably mean Nemo: i can Nemo: she's a wartface who can choke on tree fungus Nemo: and ashleigh q is a literal monster who needs to be exorcised from the planet Finn: I can't believe I giggled at that. Finn: that's a very unique insult Nemo: ii got plenty more where that came from! Nemo: but i  will keep them to myself and this group chat!

Finn: hahaha that's probably smart. No need to cause more fights. Nemo: all i wanna do iis get through school without getting grounded again im really trying not to get into trouble lol Finn: a good goal to have too. Finn: it'll be fine. We've all got each other. It should be. Yeah. Nemo: yeah! Tae: I CANT BELIEVE I WAS WORKING Tae: ARIEL FOUGHT ASHLEY A? Nemo: omg u didnt hear yet?? Tae: no I was in Jun's all work and no play orbit Nemo: lol did he take ur phone again Tae: yes next time I'm gonna axe murder him Tae: THE POINT IS THAT ARIEL KICKED ASHLEYS ASS YAAAAAAAAY Tae: sorry I hate her Nemo: join the club aha Tae: I can't believe he took my phone at such a critical time I'm gonna point to this as an example that u cant just take a teens phone bc their friends might need them Nemo: well the fight happened like a day ago Tae: does he have to know that? Tae: no Nemo: i dont think this is a very convincing argument anyway tae yah Nemo: say someone was dying Tae: right yes also I'm really sorry finn Tae: I'll protect ariel Tae: if I can Nemo: just dont get in trouble yourself Nemo: can we all try not to get in trouble??? Nemo: we gotta go to prom in a couple of months ago we need CLEAN RECORDS Tae: sometimes trouble just finds u neems did John mcclane ask for trouble Nemo: (prom is real right thats not just in movies..........) Tae: prom is a real (stupid) thing yes Nemo: tae yah u r going to prom Nemo: sorry not sorry Tae: I dont have a suit and we are poor I cant go Nemo: i dont have a suit and im even more poor and im still gonna go Nemo: i bet you can wear jun's suit Tae: jun is an oddly proportioned dorito Nemo: and you're not??? Finn: pfft Finn: I'm not going to prom Tae: I am a beefcake with angelic proportions thank you very much Finn: oh god Finn: no Finn: i mean respectfully Finn: no Tae: wow rude

Nemo: what!!! finnyyy you gotta Nemo: we'll all go together Finn: please no Nemo: D: Nemo: but why not? Nemo: its not an ashley party, its school sanctioned Nemo: there will be chaperones right? Finn: yeah but they'll be there Finn: they have to to get their devil horns Finn: i mean crown Nemo: but there will be grown ups! Nemo: also lol Tae: we could carrie them Nemo: no Finn: isn't that the scary thing with blood?

Nemo: we'll just mind our own business ok Tae: :))))))))) Nemo: we'll dance and eat food and look fit in our suits and be home before 10 because thats my curfew it will be so lame and fun! Finn: alternative plan: we could not go and have an anti prom hang out Nemo: but i wanna go to prom :/ Finn: oh. that's not fair Nemo Finn: i can picture your sad face Nemo: :(((((((((((((((((((((((((( Tae: you cant go with us anyway nemo u have to go with rooooooobbbbbbieeeeeee Finn: NEMOOOOO DDDD= Finn: that's true too Tae: finn do u wanna be my date? I'll fight everyone for u Nemo: i wanna go with YOU LOT TOO Nemo: c'mon Nemo: i wanna do the big group thing Finn: ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Nemo: we have to go to prom at least once Finn: remember the last party we went to? Finn: it can't be that soon to be forgotten Nemo: if not this year then next year when the ashleys arent at school??? Tae: I cant believe I just put my WHOLE HEART ON THE LINE and finn ignored me ya_bae_nemo [this is a snapchat]: 

Finn: WAIT I'M SORRY Finn: TAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE Finn: dgpsodjpgojgspdgjdsg Nemo: i meani really wont make you guys go if you dont want Finn: if i were a prom person i would definitely go with you tae of course Finn: wait Finn: why do i have to feel GUILTY Finn: meanies Tae: nemo I'm asking for a date shut ur mouth Nemo: sorry i just realized i was doing the same thing i did at new years!! Nemo: im the worst lol Finn: omg NO Finn: no you're NOT Nemo: nevermind nevermind we'll do anti prom this year that sounds fun too Finn: stooooop it right there Nemo: seriously you're right anti prom could be cool Finn: Nemo Nemo: i mean it! Finn: Nemo: i could go to prom prom next year! Finn: 

Finn: stop Nemo: WHAT Finn: ugh i don't wanna fight with more than one friend today and Finn: who's to say prom wouldn't be fun if Finn: and ONLY IF Finn: Mr. Hot Date over there doesn't leave for another hot date ever Finn: during the time of this Nemo: we arent fighting Finn: it feels like we could and i don't wanna make you sad Tae: I'll stay by your side the whole time Finn: wow Nemo: no im not sad at all Nemo: you arent making me sad Finn: you sure? Tae: only bc u called me hot ;) Nemo: its too early to be talking about it anyway!! who knows maybe robbie will dump me and i'll be too depressed to go to prom lol Finn: omg. you're both going to kill me Finn: here lies Finn Finn: rip Finn: and if Robbie ever dumps you Finn: he'd be the BIGGEST IDIOT ON THE PLANET Tae: nemo u r literally so dramatic ok robbie is so far up ur ass hes like coming out ur throat Finn: that's gross tae Nemo: im just saying its literally three months away Tae: WHERE IS THE LIE FINN Finn: too vivid a mental picture Tae: what's our color scheme picasso Nemo: the theme hasnt even been announced Nemo: u cant decide that yet tae yah c'mon even i know that Finn: can i make our clothes? Tae: oh hell yes you can Finn: :heart:

Tae: also nemo u can always decide first if ur not a coward cmon Nemo: i think the theme makes it fun Tae: ok fine ur right bc I could be something cool like die hard then I could wear a tank top and no shoes Nemo: id just go shirtless Finn: nooooooo Nemo: rub myself up in blood and oil Tae: hahahaha Finn: sounds like the most terrifying form of prom Nemo: its HOT Finn: blood and oil? Finn: gross Tae: yeah Finn it's for the aesthetic Nemo: its so i can take out the germans Finn: ...... Finn: what Tae: have you never seen die hard either Finn: no? Nemo: omg you dont know my husband john mcclane!!! Tae: do I have to do all the work around here Finn: i guess so Finn: you've never invited me for a movie night this isn't my fault DDD= Tae: nemo we have to make him watch die hard with us Nemo: duh! Finn: is it a scary movie? Nemo: yes Nemo: but cool Tae: no Finn: .... Nemo: there's guns and stuff Nemo: and death Finn: ahhh intense Tae: yeah and a really ineffectual police department Nemo: people die hard lolol Tae: I learned that word today Tae: ineffectual Nemo: i dont even know what that means Nemo: tae yah dont get smarter than me Nemo: its not fair lol Tae: good because I probably used it wrong LMFAO Finn: no Finn: you did fine! Finn: :smile: Nemo: see finn is already smarter than me Tae: jun bought me a word of the day calendar bc I called myself a dumbass last week Finn: wahhhhh Nemo: ahhahaha Tae: so maybe I wont sound like a dumbass while still secretly being the biggest dumbass ever Finn: you are NOT Tae: UNDERCOVER DUMBASS HAHAJAHA Finn: D= Nemo: i'll still sound like a dumbass Finn: DD= Nemo: hopefully i'll be cute enough to make up for it Finn: you guys are making me sadddddddd Nemo: :kissing_heart: Tae: nemo ur the cutest it's ok tell him hes cute finn Nemo: im kidding finn i mean im not super smart or anything but im a fairy so who cares Finn: you're smart and funny and kind and cute? Nemo: oh jingles Nemo: i really wasnt trying Nemo: i didnt mean i mean i really was kidding !! Tae: yeah and I wanna be a cop and if you've seen any movies you dont have to be smart to do that either Nemo: now im blushing Finn: my friends are great! i just wanna hug you guys when you say stuff like that about yourself Finn: and we can talk about pots and kettles but i won't hear it Finn: today at least Nemo: also thats tru tae yah all cops are terrible except for hopefully one day u Nemo: well finny you ARE also smart and funny and kind and cute too Nemo: and kind of a bad ass wow Nemo: i promise i wont call myself a dumbass anymore Finn: i'll try to believe everything but the badass part lol Finn: but good :heart: Finn: YOU TOO TAE Tae: I promise I wont call myself a dumbass out loud anymore Tae: lmfao sorry Finn: -.- Finn: fine i guess Finn: sorry. i just really love you guys a lot Nemo: i love you too :slight_smile: Nemo: tae is just okay :slight_smile: Tae: that's me ok tae Nemo: what we call it Nemo: u Nemo: tae just ok moon Nemo: wow saying it like that was weird Tae: lmfao Finn: tae a great friend moon Finn: moon great friend yeongtae Tae: yeah I hate it too just put moon first white people it's not hard Nemo: omg ok is in tokki Nemo: tOKKi Finn: people should figure out how to say names right though Nemo: mine isnt actually hard im lucky Nemo: people butcher my appa's its awful Tae: tae is easy it's like Taylor's swift Finn: I think they'd butcher mine Nemo: Taelor Swift. Finn: but only my mom and aunt called me it anyway Nemo: tae yah thanks for giving me so many great nicknames for u Finn: taelor swift is good lol Nemo: wait finny u never told me your birth name? Tae: if u call me taelor swift i might kill everyone Nemo: i didnt realize you had one Finn: yeah I don't go by it so most people wouldn't xP Finn: dad said it was 'too hard' to say Finn: and they named me Finn Nemo: yeah i get it i dont go by nammin either Tae: i'm gonna pull a power move and use my goat's name Nemo: omg dont Nemo: tae yahasdfja Finn: isn't the goat just Finn: no wait never mind Nemo: dont get him started Tae: MY GOAT HAS A BEAUTIFUL NAME NEMO Nemo: i know that tae yah Tae: i'll just walk into class one day and pronounce myself Hanuelbyeolimgureumhaennimbodasarangseurouri Nemo: theeeeeeeeeere it is Finn: my eyes Finn: what am i trying to read Nemo: ha nuel byeol im gureum hae nnim bo dae sarang seurouri does that help Finn: i wish it did Tae: HAHAHA it's basically the most genius sibling win ever Tae: i named my goat something that basically means more lovely than the sun sky and stars which are, coincidentally, my sister's names HAHAHAHA Tae: it is my legac Finn: oh my god. i'm a lot slower on trying to read hangul and I got some of it Nemo: it IS pretty hilarious Finn: but not all Finn: wow Nemo: and the goat IS pretty sexy Tae: the sexiest goat Nemo: i want her to call me oppa Tae: HAHAHAHAHA Nemo: >) Finn: oh my god Finn: so is this gonna be Finn: 

Finn: not judging Finn: lol Nemo: whoa is that a movie about a romance between four men and a goat Nemo: humans are wild Finn: i honestly don't know. I just know this movie exists Tae: that's one i've actually never seen so i can't help Nemo: im gonna believe its a romance between four men and a goat Finn: should we find out? watch die hard and then Finn: a goat movie Nemo: i will watch anything so sure!! Tae: that's true he is a slut for movies Nemo: hey Tae: um i've seen more than u so Tae: i'm the biggest movie slut around Nemo [deleted]: well u werent called a whore so Nemo: lol true Finn: we could do a movie night at my place? Finn: or yours if you want Tae buttttt Tae: no yours is fine Nemo: if its yours i can play with pannieeeee Finn: i was about to brag and show a picture again Finn: i guess i don't have to Finn: xP Nemo: were u gonna show a picture of pannie!!! Nemo: you read my mind!!1 Finn: i mean Pannie is a treasure! i will definitely cuddle him for all scary things! Nemo: guess that means i gotta cuddle tae yah Nemo: sorry tae yah ur stuck with me Finn: guess so. we could both cuddle pannie too, i could share i guess Finn: check this out Finn: 

Tae: HIS SHIRT Nemo: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Finn: he gets to be stylish with me Nemo: U DID NOT Nemo: did u make that! Finn: of course! Tae: there is no way nemo will cuddle me now look at him Finn: well if nemo desperately wants to cuddle pannie i gueeeeess i could cuddle you tae if you're sad Tae: it's okay i'm a big strong man who doesn't need cuddles lmfao Neems: I CANT BELIEVE U MADE THAT Finn: oh. so you don't want to cuddle me? D= Finn: so very sad Finn: nemo cuddle me with pannie Neems: i will cuddle anyone who needs it tae yah knows im a big rotten coward Neems: HE LOOKS LIKE A GENTLEMAN Neems: sorry im still not over it Finn: =DDD Neems: u should make him a little tie :((( id cry Finn: ooooo that's a good idea Finn: i'll make him a black tie so he can feel fancy Finn: or black bow tie? Neems: both! Neems: one for the office one for special occasions duh Tae: tie the tie around his head so he looks like a karate master Finn: i think he'd just chew that off Finn: but i like the creativity Tae: thank u i'll be here my whole life Neems: tae the tie master moon Tae: omg that sound cooler than taelor swift i'll take it Finn: a bit wordy though. TTTMM Tae: just call me tm Tae: traDEMARK BITCHESSSSSS Finn: hahaha

[nocancer]

Tryna by Cancer moon

Before Young T went to bed he poured a glass of water and looked out the kitchen window to his backyard and noted how the snow made 3:00 A.M. look like 6:00 P.M.. Only difference being that if he stepped outside with his glass of water to the seeming twilight he wouldn’t be able to hear the rush-hour traffic like he usually could if it was Friday and 6:00 P.M.. Young T didn’t bother going outside because the snow was still falling a little and it’d be there when he woke up. And the neighborhood would still be silent, as it always was.

Young T woke up and his fan was still humming its white noise which he needed to sleep at night even though it was January and his dad was reluctant to leave the heat on over night. The small fan sat on his dresser and was pointed away from his bed towards his window which emitted a sharper and more blinding afternoon light than what he was used to. He checked his phone for the time, it was about noon - about the time where his parents bedroom door would open and their TV would blast the local news and his persian cat, Jo Jo, would meow at his door from which would force him out of bed to open the door so Jo Jo could jump up on his bed to sleep on his pillow from which he would either start his day or keep doing nothing. This time he laid back down, idly on his bed, with the covers pulled over his head to lessen the effects of his slight cat allergy. Jo Jo had a flat face and was grey and fat, and he occupied the entire pillow. Young T thought of how he wanted to trade lives with Jo Jo.

Young T couldn’t fall back to sleep, so he looked at his phone. He bireifly looked at worldstarhiphop, Twitter, then Instagram.

Then he went to bed with a head ache and woke up in college.

9/27/17 wednesday

Tycho: excuse me, hey, getting along just fine, I see? Yolandra: hey, and yeah, sort of, just studying, whats going on with you T: Nothing, the usual, i guess, being responsible, trying not to offend anyone. Y: Oh but you're so innocent. If anyone's offended its on them, not you. T: But my presence alone, I dont know, like I'm out of place or something. And I just want to tell people,  Yeah, so, I know how strange it is, me being here and all. Y: You're a free spirit amongst prisoners. That was my favorite part about getting to know you.

Tycho: After all these years, not for a second did i think you were right for me. And thats why i liked you. Cus I'm crazy. Yolandra: thats okay? what do you mean?, i want to get inside your head again. T: [pause] Most people wouldnt understand. Y: Don't be too cool for school. Im not most people. If I knew what was good for me, I'd have cut ties with you a long time ago. But im a crazy bitch too. Havent you realized? T: Yes. Youre highly psychic when it comes to "free spirits" like me - and you, though maybe, "lost soul" would be a better term for me. Though I dont mind being lost. It keeps things interesting.   Anyway, you should spend your energy on solving world hunger than worrying about me. Y: dont be so difficult. catching vibes isnt easy you know? coming for your type. Who knows, maybe youre worth it. Tycho: well, your the first to try me like this. im mysterious for a reason. Yolandra: And do you know why exactly? T: Thats for me to decide. Y: It's so damn frustrating. But I guess some things are better left unsaid. T: Most people wouldnt understand that, what youre saying. Indescribable feelings we know happened but fall short in explaining. That sort of thing. Y: I call those. "You had to be there" moments. Tycho: Honestly i never gave up on you, only myself, thinking you were different from my dream girl.   it took months for me to realize that but when i did the only thing i wanted to do was forget i ever met you. Yolandra: than what? T: the rest of these simple people that surround us, they see in a way thats opposite of what i am. Y: how convenient it must be. to blame your problems on people you dont even know. and just say "fuck it." I envy you. T: just my luck haha. of being born into myself, my personality forgive me, i dont mean to be such a downer. thats my ego talking Y: you had to be there T: where? Y: in my memories. T: it matters that much to you? Y: if I could find you in a crowd, just to say something, anything, even if i have to scream it in your ear,  then you'd know how much it means to me. Tycho: I'll be waiting for you to say hola.

9/30/17 saturday In the midst of an obnoxious trap beat I remember what my grandpa used to tell me. It's the harsh realities of life that stick with us the most. A dream is only a dream until you make it come true. Never hit a women no exceptions." He would say to a 7 year old me. Now I wish I had the balls back then to tell him that his strict army ass probably never had a dream that went beyond what he already knew. Like revisiting the same shitty cloud of meaningless thoughts every night till you reincarnate into someone who revisits a slightly less shitty cloud over and over until they become someone like me, who lives on the cloud everyone strives to be, forgetting those elvish looking folks of the below who never leave the house except to get groceries. There's comes a point in life where you just gotta be honest with yourself, and say hey, i just dont match the freqeuncy anymore. It's okay. I can still pretend like that one MGMT song, but im fading away. Fuck. I get naseous and imagine a cop coming around the corner which kills my vibe for a second so I take my headphones off, spit on my finger tip, ash the blunt, and walk to my dorm. I'm in water so muddy that the surface is all I have to cling onto. What lies beneath is my past, housing the memories like demons. Of course, her face, would be in the middle. Falling more faintly in detail as I wake up sober and go to sleep high and dream nonsense that somehow doesnt go away like the usual forgotten dream you usually wouldnt give a second thought to otherwise but this morning my head feels foggy and theres a vague recollection of a search going on but I dont know what it's for and my chances of knowing diminish as I go deeper into the day. A search, it's on repeat, like my brain is an actual TV. Thats probably a normal thought to have, though I've never heard it in real words. "Is my brain a TV." I say to myself.                                                                 if you can call it that. but those take the shape of monsters of which, as if I had no choice, I find myself preparing for so when the moment really matters, I can either go down in a blaze of glory or come out on top like the badass I imagine myself to be. All I know is that I was born and now I have to live.

Maybe because my past is so glaringly depicted onto a person I refuse to acknowledge. All that shit was a dream. The only thing that matters is the present, right? Bill Nye the Science Guy would agree with that. Back in elementary whenever we had a sub for the day, a cart would roll in and thats how you knew. I watched his show in elementary school, when we had a substitute teacher. Those were the best days. I had no worries then, able to speak freely with no inhibitions as if duality had nothing to latch its mechanical claws onto. Wait, I'm thinking about the past again. And thats going way back. Fuck! Okay.. On your feet soldier! That baby momma drama dont fly out here in the real world. out here  it's the winners and the losers, haves and the have-nots,  thats the way it is.

We're here to endure anxiety. I dont care about this slave shit. I think im gonna drop out. These fucking people bro, I shouldve known better than to come here. Deep down in the recesses of my highly realized capacity for recognizing everyday objects I'm  hearing the voice my computer makes. It just so happens that I'm a little different from everyone else. I see things. Feel them. Some are expressed. Others proccessed. Though most get put away for later. These things I speak of is all they'll ever be to Some bad. Some good. But in the end I understand the root cause  is nothing and thats where I pretty much exist anyway. In between any and all things, including people. At least that what it feels like. So although I may come off as shy and maybe a bit soft to the average layperson I aint no bitch and I wont hesitate to put my body on the line to make some headway when it comes to cementing my place as a savage demon in the halls of said layperson's memory bank. Someone who is wise would recognize the virtue of my conviction It is only because I must prepare for that singular moment, an unknown point in the fabric of time and space. To where if theyre not careful, a life's worth of energy should be pitted against me as if one were to stand a chance against the power housed within my vessle. Theres no such thing as a polite gesture. Nobody asks me how my day is "going" for no other reason than to relay to me how their own special day is "going". reckoning between a humble acknowledgement that I can never truly grasp the reason for existing and therefor should play my part in keeping the peace, versus pure badass in a world of sheep. And the more I get to know my surroundings, the more I reach erradically for the inherent bliss found within the path of satanism.

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Spmewhere off in the distance, Crermoth sits on a palm tree idly sculpting astral suspensions into a tattered fervor of mesh for working the keys of ineptitude. She is oblivious to her surroundings, not caring for chatty and gossip which she cant seperate between her reality and theirs because she is sensitive and when the the fully recognized sage, Esoh, confronts her about she says she much prefers it that way.

Their balance among them. With the wind at her side, Hojihka refuses the initial preference of her stillness and moves in a nameless precession by the whim of her ancestral birth right. "aaa may-ee soo shay-noo"

Her possession wakes up without a name. a new and more elaborate transposition of jubilee onto each successive indifference. The attention to one area renders the outer confines a vacuum enveloping the excess span unto both of their liable to taken over like a plain, sole, unconscious will. It certainly does its job Crermoth and has become something of a plan b pill thats taken during one of her many unpredictable episodes of self hate and general spiritual torment. One time she told J-Money she was a demon in a matter of factness that still haunts J-Money in moments when he pretends it doesnt bother him.. Reliant upon the interaction of her world and the next. Crermoth normally prefers being to herself on nights like these, that way she can answer any calls at a moments notice. A dimension close enough so that she may assist her friends in earthly manners of which, by the natural law of limitation, those lacking the incessant nobility of the Orisha cannot be bothered to see to themselves, less the tether between her world and theirs be rendered a useless tattered fervor of mesh that gives way to any varitable knock of an over arching brood of usurpment of the mundane frequency. “I need space. I only have but so much light of see to her calling as a being of light, assisting the pieces of herself that we’re lost during the falling. You remember that don’t you?” She says “Of course I remember. But only as a matter of fact. Upon closer reflection I fail to see the relevance of a subtle hunch with no bearings in the present.”

I must know that I’m allowed to be straight up with you, else I run the risk of straying from my calling. If there’s anything I hate more than being ignored its catching myself being lazy to the voices. “She musn’t veer to far.” Esoh said on a mountain.

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The woman wakes up to look around. Store-bought soil, empty bike-rack, office building. "Harder. Think harder. Come on girl." She stands for dignity's sake. A car traces a hilltop in the distance. She raises her cold arms to the sun in defiance of stillness. Nothing is in tune with the nature of her being besides the stale wind of a coming day. "Where are you?" The car freezes as it reaches the horizon, but the sound remains on loop. Whirrrrr A portal manifests abruptly and Elegua arrives on a chariot of skulls. "Erzulie, madame, how nice it is to see you this early in the morning." A whisp of fire cleans her face and the car continues over the horizon. "It really shouldnt be, not like this. Where Im at should tell a lot you know." Erzulie said. "Quite a dense reply to a longtime friend, dont you think" "Hmm, considering how I slept in a bush last night and dont remember a thing. I shouldnt need to explain myself." "No? is the friz on your hair not matching the blood on your knees? I can't tell which." Elegua said.     Or is the attitude possessing you as if theres no consequence for ill-manneredness? I cant tell which." So long as one's not so dense up his selfish ass that he aint notice." "Oh so now all a sudden you about the finer things in life? We can switch places less you miss me. Erzulie said. Im only pointing out the obvious." Elegua said. Erzulie replied with silence, forcing life to flash before his eyes. She learned this from her Mother, Darkness. "Attitude is possessing you. I cant tell why but its a poison I dont deserve. I was only trying to help" He continued. "I just dont fuck with being called too early. So long as youre not too dense up your ass to take notice, safe to say i'm in some shit right now." "Clearly. A product of consequence." Elegua said randomly. "Yeah, recognize. Please, for me, baby?" "No more testing your patience, Goddess immortal of justice. Save that for what I came to tell you about." "Take me to cleanliness, saintly promise of wisdom. For im not feeling myself." They left the scene to the past and pondered on the pyramid they had just made with each other. "It's nice to be home." Erzulie said. Flying over the palm trees brought Elegua back to his power. "On the basis of love." Elegua said. The salt-water washed away all glimpses of doubt Erzulie had of her beauty. And she harnessed the pastels of the ocean. Thus, all guilt was abolished and unconditional love was convinced to dance within them. Drying his body under the rays of Amen reminded Elegua of his first words. Long ago, before Time was born. "O Father, you are so brilliant." "Thank you, son. I am the Light" "Then tell me, Father, if you are the Light, and are so brilliant, then why is it you flee from Darkness?" "All I do is my purpose, which seeks to balance harmony with creation. Although it is much more complicated than that. Like always I suppose. I'm afraid you ask me a question that I cannot answer. Here, because you are so curious, I will show you." "I'm ready, Father." Light grew brighter causing Elegua to cry in his recollection of what it felt like to say words. The links in his mind straining to pull in the right words. Not too plain to where the moment would be lost in happen stance, and not too radical so that his manhood could stay irrefutable (to convey meaning.) Then Light disintegrated into everything and Elegua searched for Light ever since. So Elegua went to the crossroads, and prodded Darkness for Light's wherabouts, "I want to relive the the moments before he left for eternity. Where can I find him?" Without a hug or a kiss, she told him to let go of his experience in order to live in the now, "Take his place and move forward. Grow up, your Daddy's gone cus you never did." "How could you say that me? I love you, Mom. Yet all I get is hate. Why are you hiding the truth from me?" "If I don't hate you, then who will? You got so much to learn that my heart breaks into brass. You must leave, understand me? LEAVE, before I do what your Father did and them some. I'm this close. Believe me." With nowhere else to go, Elegua obeyed the commands of his Mother. Although lonely at first, the spirits of the dead related to his despair, and offered to guide him through all the known and unknown realms of Ether, so long as he guided the spirits of the living to his Mother. So that the dead could learn for themselves the origins of their being dead. And when Light came back, they could say "Father, we know of Hate, now teach us Love." Elegua tried telling them that it was hopeless, that his Father was there, just not in the way they imagined, that they we're actually his Father and they had to realize it through an altered perception. but that negativity only made them more adament to their cause which annoyed Elegua into a manic spell of existential irony which persisted during times of war with the Snakes on 5th density. One battle in particular Badly wounded, he pulled his chariot with his arms to the middle of a corn-field on a full-moon during the Solstice, it was there he made a pact with his self, to never be ignorant to the fact that fate was an inescapable constant within all contributors to existence. That the very fabric that distinguishes the dead from the living was comprised of scattered shards of an indestructable essence that attached itself to the spirit-body via fate which is the Father of destiny. That the collective conscious is woven by the thread of Fate, thus binding a common goal, or Destiny, inherent to all beings of both polarities, thus setting in motion the spiral of gnosis, which lends itself to the spreading of keys that open the doors to helping each other fulfill each others Purpose. "I will collect the pieces of my Father so that I may speak with him again as I did as a child. I will never forget you because I love you. You are everything to me, which is all I ever could be. Please, I want to know why you flee in the face of Darkness."

____10/9/17 monday

My pace quickens as I veer away from the crowd onto the handicap stairs. I silently count my steps to give off a pensive, non-assuming vibe. Over by the quad theres crows just walking on the grass. Yet I'm the only one who seems to notice, even from a distance. The busses haul ass down Memorial St. I've learned to always be on alert because I'll never know whats waiting for me when I turn my attention off the floor and become reminded of string theory. Artificial energy, cork boards with grime on the edges, tunnel of dull ends, spongy plywood cielings. as i step with my head down and in every so sudden a demarcation in the bricks, the reptiles answer emails. This is where I'm going. Because my soul chose to live here at some point in time not too long ago considering the relationship between all that the universe has to offer and my general apathy towards said all as in any and all one. Which has become quite of a bore ever since the first week ended I had to come to terms with the reality that friends won't simply fall into my lap like they would     if I wasnt such      a masochist for being lonely. The row of pillars turn to one and all I see is the contentment in the air of the lobby. In the hallway are casually turned faces which glide about in a linear fashion like the ghost of a lost bride.. I get a side-view of the people afraid to admit that this is far from the paradise we expected it to be. The brochure in our acceptance letters didn't include the drunken nights of another dimension. I'm inside the life of an architect. One who's dead by now, but lives on through his work. I'm not going anywhere, the building would say, if it could talk. And I suppose it can. Because I just had the thought, and nothing is ever truly wrong without another thought to compare it to. But then if buildings could speak existed first, and was allowed to grow and find its place in the universe, then it'd be established enough to not warrant an adversary. But the question remains where, if it existed, was its fate organized before coming into my mind, awaiting my final judgement. Substitute me for a unicellular collective conscious and it seems like we're all dealers of fate her on planet earth of the milky way of the universe of the whatever comes next (should we ever know for sure). he or she deserves all the credit for it manifesting onto the grid of my consciousness, which is a zig zag joint's worth of a high right now. The perfect amount for not giving a fuck while still staying slick enough for witty comebacks. Which wouldn't hurt right now. This building isn't going anywhere. Though I wish it would. Because I dread what I'm about to do How he must have pained to communicate something he could call his own while maintaining a dignified and safe, always safe, because god forgive, well, you know, , putting the pen to the pad, drawing  collumns in front of a Victorian fassad Succumbing to authority just to eat with a roof over your head and not freeze your ass off like a homeless freak. Profit margins in the final half of quarter one are lower than 1 standard deviation to what is considered by corporate to be optimal. As of now, the college has no incentive to ship in product from outside sources. All inventory must be stored in house to the buyer's demand. You better not be late.

___ On the parking deck

Tycho: “I had a dream I was on an internet forum. Someone posted the words: “life is an endless hell. With a blurry picture of a street at night-time. Not much different from what’s in front of us. I thought that made sense, until I scrolled down, to see a video looking out the windshield of a vintage rolls royce, coasting along a pacific highway. And the lines kept going. Next thing you know I’m falling down a pitch black waterslide, dreading my destination. If I never woke up I have a funny feeling i know where it was leading.

Preacher: In that instance did you feel the need to repent for your sins?

Tycho: No. that didn’t cross my mind. It was too late at that point.

Miranda: “I used to.

T: What made it stop?

Miranda: Seeing all the happy people around me. And knowing that they’ve been through the same shit. Break-ups, Death in the family, just generally feeling lost.

My heart was broken ”

T: Getting over the mind can be a dark place when it has nowhere else to rest. You can train it to think anything.”

Miranda: True

Tycho: Lately Ive been taking these long drives late at night into the boonies. Just to see where I up. I realized theres so many lives I’ll never know about.

If i wasnt born into money maybe I’d be humble enough to hate myself for even thinking such a thing.

How’d you get out of that?

Miranda:

These know it all professors are getting on my nerves. I fear Im crossing into an abyss I’ll never fully understand. Honestly I can’t fuckin stand these people. What name do I have to make for myself that i haven’t already experienced in the depths of my soul?

Tyco: You know how they try to act like they all official and shit, like I won’t see past it.

Miranda: [agreement] They do that.

Tyco: [stream of consciousness] So I just told her look I know its a rule, but I’m all about learning at my own pace and no disrespect i love her but Mrs. Soso can only go so far in telling me how to write. You can give tips and tricks but at the end of the day, I’ve been developed my writing style.. Like I thought we were done with all this high school shit. Well I didnt say that.

M: And what’d she say?

Tyco: She was like “As you get further into your major 90% of your assignments will be in essay format.. we require full participation “ At this im like she gonna hit me with the book like hell nah THEN outta nowhere She said “However, I also believe in 2nd chances.”. On the outside I was cool but inside I was like “*fist bump* yo i cannot fail outta college like someone watchin out for me idk who but-

Chad: fuck that shiiiiit *holds up white rum in front of street light”

Friend in background: 12! 12! 12!

Abrupt scene change. Camera shows Tyco zoned out. Then police car, as Tyco begins to hide behind the tree hes smoking on.

My black hoodie and phone-call to my dealer will still be with me tomorrow as I do the same thing.

(From a dream 10/23)

Tyco is driving around serving with Shantel when she lights her phone up from the passenger seat and puts the phone to her ear.

Shantel: You are not finna be talkin all that mess on my phone. Be honest with                  yourself. Don’t lie. You a hoe ass bitch.

?? Caller: Why are you even calling me? I dont give a fuck.

Shantel: Wait till I pull up then and slap the shit out you. Would that be better                     sweety?

?? Caller: I’m at Kawaii’s 30 deep. Bring your lil boyfriend and see what                          happens.

Shantel: Try me bitch.

[ The economy sedan turns right on red seemingly without breaking. ]

Tyco: 30 deep huh?

Shantel: With them ratchets.

Tyco: She sounds scared as hell aint nobody sticken up for her like that. You know they gonna talk shit right but soon as we throw them hands they gon be like, I dont know that bitch.

Shantel: nah but she stupid tho like not even worth all that extra

Tyco: We’re going. Wheres that nigga house i’ll waze that shit and we get there we just pop off. Aite?

[Not looking at the road, but to her, coasting down an average 2-lane with box neon trimmed tire shops and drive-thru windows governed stately as immovable beasts of mothership stores lurk behind low-sodium trenches of the new world order’s surveillence agenda for mass poplations en masse. ]

              Just follow me. I’m walkin in and gonna start a commotion just bussin                 and you just break this bottle on her mother fuckin head and we out.

Shantel: haaah what okay

Tyco: You’re gonna fuck her shit up som serious.

Shantel: She talk shit about you.

Tyco: It’s in the stars babe for real.

Shantel: You gonna help me find that bitch?

Tyco: You my fucken queen I love you and I got you.

Neighborhood entrance.

Cars parked for miles.

House identified first glance.

Park.

Car doors..

Hip-Hop

Grass.

Walkway.

Steps.

Porch.

Door opens and yellow tops within the frame.

!! WHERE YOU AT// YALL FAKE AND CANT FINESSEE !!

AAAAAH YOU UGLY DARK SKINNED NIGROS

The caller is sitting on a couch ass to ass with other dudes. Looking stupid.

She never saw Shantel. Who came upon her like The Ring.

She has become a party magnet. It is a Slayer concert now. Nobody knows who’s who. Though Tyco is surely getting his ass beat. He catches of glimpse of Shantel’s fat ass ducking through the doorway and he could die right now and it wouldnt matter.

*GUN SHOT*

FUCK GOIN ON HERE MANE

“This not the place for you bro. - White boy comin up here in my place of business - Tryna pop shit off like you really not a bitch”

Kawaii looks up with his glock-9 extendo at his GD party mostly all gone just like that. The poor girl is still leaking.

“She need to go to the hospital.” Her friend says.

He points the glock at his head. Despair.

“Look around before I kill you.” An invitation.

Tycho: “I sold a 4 oz today after my accounting exam. I could be GD, 74, rock                            purp. whatever it be its nothing but Respect yo. Got connects with chad and Becky nahmean dog. Could put you on to some numbers they white and they fiends. Please OG.

“How much for a zip.”

“80, gas.”

“Was that yo bitch?”

“yea”

Kawaii: You lyin to me?

“No.”

“She eat your ass?”

“Yeah and bounce on my BIG ASS DICK” Tyco says with autism.

K walks away.

T: they don't even sell Molly bruh

K is you fucken high you dummies. Beat this nigga ass. *Tyco imagines the why the fuck you lyyin vine and remembers the exact moment he realized that wasnt an original song but actually a spin off of a classic throwback jam by the 90s R&B group “Next” in their hit single “Too Close”.. He was driving home from the cafe he used to write high school essays in while smoking a menthol american spirit with the windows rolled down on a spring evening playing KISS 104.1 Atlantas classic jams. Then he realized there was a full 6 minute video of the vine on youtube. After watching it he felt gayer. Thats all it did for him.

Tycho wakes up on living room floor.Terry (random G, on couch): *Hands him note× Kawaii said he's sorry. No hard feelings ya heard dog?

Tyco: I guess thugs act on impulse. *looks at note* and don't count on a gahdamn thing you bitchass motherfuckers. Tyco walks into class with a black eye. The Professor talks about interest loans. Tyco meets Moe after class in parking lot.

*Moe: Waddup

Tyco: It's lemon og I just got in.

Moe: Bet. Those last cookies you got. Bomb dude. It had them frar mother fuckers leanin like they can't handle that purp like that nahmean.*laughs*

Tyco: I got some backwoods you wanna hotbox.

Moe: Yo I'm down.

10/24/17 thursday

____ Last night I decided not to hate myself. The look I get from them doesnt bother me. Really, its a simple sign from nature that I’m used to by now. A wrong impression can sustain the fog of memory, of which I will be seen from the lens of another dimension, with not a care in the world, an angel in disguise. Thats the crux of my life up to this point. To no longer hate myself. But appear as if I still do. The nameless place in our past with no address., one of which even a frat boy can relate to. This invisible standard that’s thrown us into the pits of despair must be addressed. To seperate the real from the fake. Like the others are sleep walking through class fronting like they dont see me. The pyramid of perspective is an accordian overlayed on my third eye, televising scenes of sleep walkers who stay fronting like they dont see me. Walking behind the parking deck where green dumpsters were with my phone to my ear is a feeling that remains within me until I do the same thing over again in a few days. Buying in bulk never appealed to me. And if a 20 a g was the price thered be nothing my lonely ass could do. Fuck this worthless paper, I tell myself.

I tell myself. Anyone who catches my glimpse pauses for a split second, calibrating my own opinion of the why in life. A definition of nuance that was never meant to be expressed but felt. To sense what I’ve been wanting, free and alone, after all those wasted days.

I’m signalling. Though I havent been approached yet.

Figuring that would resolve the look I give other people. I mean, christ, I turned 18 last March. And spent the Summer in a last ditch effort to secure an identity before I made my plays in college. For too long I’ve avoided the call of the light and in return have gotten blank stares.

(SOMEHOW gets wrapped up into a petty conversation with sorirty girl (on top of parking deck.)

Clarissa: I was the only one alone in the entire party.

Tycho: Why didnt you leave?

T: Dont worry I dont wanna know your major.

C; Good cus it keeps changing.

T: You think you know everything dont you? This world aint nothin babe.

C: Why do you say that?

T: What do you wanna know? That I get money? Thats nothin.

Clarissa drifts off.

Hannah: So Stacy’s telling me the banners weren’t in that right place and we’re like an hour away from starting and we still haven’t even got the chairs in order and barely anyone who was suppose to be here has shown up yet.

Tycho: Where were they?

“Well for one, Candace, I dont know whats her problem lately, but shes been gone because her best-friends now telling her she’s not rushing anymore but thats honestly a relief because that girl wheres winged eyeliner and thinks shes better than us.”

Tycho: Oh, I think I’ve seen that girl at the library or something.

     I intuit that in order to justify her reasoning for not liking the winged eyeliner girl, that she channeled my very own resonant storm cloud of which I emit silently in the face of vanity..  

H: Well you’ll probably see her there a lot more cus shes definitely not with us.

“Okay so thats one.” I say as if taking notes.

“Then Rachel’s out at some charity event that I never even heard of probably with a guy she’s not telling us about which is so frustrating that of all days you pick friday night at the peak of rush to go be a hoe behind our backs.”

“Did she ever show up to the party?”

“Yeah. And she was fucking drunk.” She said as if surprised but not really because this is Rachel we’re talking about, after all.

“Like wasted orrr “

“Damn I didnt know yall got down like that.”

“Umm when youre stumbling through the door and your first words to all the new girls is hallelujah bitches!

She wasn’t with a guy.

“So tell me more about the party. Like was there”

who nobody knows anyway

is that Cheyenne is just out of it because her friends now telling her she doesnt want to rush anymore and for one its like look,

Wait, who’s hannah?

Hannah’s the leader of her sorority.

Ooooh, Okay, I see why now

-Yeah, I mean if word got around that would literally mean she was going around their backs to cover up that she was lying.

> Right. Yeah I hear what you sayin. She’s trying to make it seem as if it never concerned yall in the first place but if thats the case then she dont need to be acting like she got the right to be trusted.

This goes beyond reputation. Manipulating emotions just cus she has none of her own. Conniving biitch.  just to get her way goes beyond reputation.

Aint nobody wanna be around that energy.

> So what you tell her?

I get schizophrenic when it comes accepting new ways of being. The person I made him out to be was the perfect cure for my suffering. All those forgetful nights of boredom I knew what I needed all along, but was to scared to do it myself.

------ Frat house halloween party kidnap scene ----

GD shaman prays to shango for power to go out by mantra. Squad in car repeats the same mantra. The power goes out at 1:00 (or peak of the party).

Tycho throws blue flare through the side of the window

at the Tycho must find Chad and lure him downstairs near the door so the squad can get the keys to the room full cocaine and adderal. After looking everwhere he’s no where to be found. He walks in on a couple having with the girl in missionary with devil ears. “Yo chad that you?” Its

(fuckem x3) Music stops from power so he sneaks in wireless speaker in his robot costume  and puts it at one end of the room. Squad member 1 will carry bigger wireless speaker and set it down when he storms in. Tycho also brings a timed strobe light to distract people and keep the illusion of the party still going.

Tycho runs down stairs and towards door with chad chasing him. Squad slaps tape and mask on him and carries like a battering ram although theyve already kicked the door.

*Power turns back on*

“Fuck em, fuck em, nigga get out my section

Don’t want to see him, I don’t want to touch him

*waves zippo lighter in front of face so chad can see him through mask*

“Ima count 3 seconds and your dead on 5 if i dont get this combination” says calmly. thus saiyth the lord thy god”

“Three... No mercy”

“Two.. Shall be given unto those”

*gives code*

          “One.”

Love takes many shapes and forms.Tycho never opened up to people, hating himself for being incapable of feeling what others felt. He wanted more so he went spiritual. Which his close friends perceived as going off the deep end."Ayy whatsup bro you tryna smoke?""I have a calc exam tomorrow but I'm down after."Aight good luck on your studying tonight and then kill it tomorrow I know you got this calc is your specialty can't say the same for me but that's why you always tutored me haha."Let me know if you need more help. Figuring their was no bounds and he could be whatever, even silent, and experience irony rather than fate. How bland, he thought, to have a life plan and nothing to look forward to. Running drugs would be a necessary chain reaction. The highest elixer exceeding the bliss provided by the very weight he'd be pushing, itd be getting off on defying his own life, leaving spirit his only option. And so like a blackbird his soul seeks experience only in the clearest degree of visibility. Swerving transgressions of lonliness to levy the burdens of contrived responsibilities at societies every turn until his flight patterns veer from the trodden path to and fro the calling of reality in which he desires to preside over as a God of many statures. Untainted by works, head first into the entity of the adversary, of which he is able to predict the situational consequence in only a glimpsing moment before havoc ensues and the final hour is upon him, his loose wings coated with astral charcoal of depravity. Be caught slipping once and he loses the jump until the enevitable program takes its course - an unstoppable relationship between fate and reckoning that must be fulfilled as day turns to night. Once that happens he reverts back to being like the rest of them. Yet to the world, now desolated beyond repair, hed still be alive, exuding a calm presence that something is not quite right with him existing without remorse. The truth is simple enough, a hint just ever so slight as to never be able to cross the threshold of utterance, thus becoming rendered a convinction of self delusion on the part of the unknowing accuser, who by this time hates himself for even thinking badly of such a good guy to make peace with.  The collage curtails past the illusion of what is already known and at last the watchers take notice and thus regeneration is able to take place along all the land, allowing for new energy to take the throne of anticipation. One that has harnessed the potential to become anything the wonder puts his mind too. So what if I'm imaginative? Yolandra: I mean everyone's different in their own way. Like yeah the soroitys have a dress code and all that Starbucks and capris. But I don't know. You just have to get know a person for who they are and not how the outside world perceives them to be. T: So what'd you first think of me? Yolandra: Honestly not much anything. You were one of those people who could be anything. But then I overheard you say taurus's are gold diggers and I hated you cus I'm a taurus. T: Oh sorry I really didn't mean it like that but c'mon now I can tell you have a taste for finer things you bougie little.. Boob. *laugh\ haha "you know what I mean" It doesn't bother you? What? That so much could go wrong so quickly? Look, deep down he's telling you his heart lies with getting over and you let him because that's /just what you like about him, how deep he gets. cus he's a sad and selfish individual who was never about loving anything other than vanity. The best thing to do would be to trust his actions, intentions aren't what's important right now. Really, forget about the soul connection. Loves comes through all types of people as long as you're open to receiving them. Those energies. Don't lose yourself in the illusion. Without ever taking credit for what truly matters which should be you. Then your fashion made sense to me. T:  I'm so caught up in myself. I mean, it's impossible to know anything else. I'll never get to stand in your shoes. Its just truth. Yet I'm the bad guy. You're not like the other people I've met. T: Yeah I'm kind of loner if you couldn't tell already. I guess that's a good thing.T: Hey it's okay. I get that a lot... Wait what do you mean you guess? Ive found that who evers saying does a 180 in their normalcy.  Knowing your even here right now is a good thing. Knowing that you're with me even when im not. Don't you think? Starting out with confidence and ending strong to be lucky if I'm not hurt. Tell me what you want out of this. Sometimes I feel so lame, then I realize how fun itd be to not care. Through the window screen i see parchments and grass blades, this is an image I've sought to ignore for its blandness thinking I was over recognizing such mundane structures. The sunlight made me drunk with non verbal contemplation. I crave this heat when I'm in low spirits. And a breeze when I'm high. My thoughts are channeled from a lonely place (My thoughts come from a lonely place)  I've had no choice but to become accustomed to for my own sanity. To work faster and breach that veil of reckonning. So unreachable and enticing at the same time.T When I'm alone, welcome something more than the past if you ever cared to help me. This isn't the only world out there. And even if it was the material would eventually reach infinity. Then a black hole would open or something. Don't quote me on that, science is the hottest thing going right now. It cant hurt to butt in unofficially. As long as no one calls you on it. The universe molds to your confidence. That's another story. At the end of the day, I have too much pride to be a scientist.  The God they're serving calls for a lot of self sacrifice. A self that ignores emergency when called to speak. A self i'm not prepared to lose. "Why are you here again, nothing will change, you're gonna be quiet like last time" any handle on reality I had during the sun rise flees like an ex girlfriend into the night. I'm not prepared to lose. Anxiety is that humid feeling you get when roughnecking the time away. Jaded peripherals, internet browsing, and fading friends initiate a color spectrum so cruelly vivid in its inability to be shared with the CVS cashier who looked at you wrong because you bought 3 4oz bottles of robitussin. A man who couldnt care to see the streets, stop signs, and traffic lights. Man is a slang term we use when caught in the moment. Of which matrix programming loves to grasp onto. --- 10/25/17 wednesday So here I am enjoying a piece of lackluster nothing for the sake of something I've agreed to experience in a past life I can't even remember but somehow must make amends to as if its an actual concrete thing I can touch and make sense out of without caring to ponder how life puts us in these type situations like getting your hair done a new way and meeting a friend of a friend superficially without ever following up like aight word up bro I feel you by the way hows life and what's the special fact I should become one with in this moment while not thinking too much in to things or else id be alone as if we're not alive under the stars for any other reason than to be happy but still to me that becomes too much like a flash in time rather than something meaningful because then sex would have to be our purpose for being here but you and I both know it's more complicated than that so we look into it via memories and realize the journey was brighter than the reward as in I don't remember the actual sex part but rather the day as a whole with stained glass sprinkled in on a film reel to push the past into something real and unexplainably alluring to the self of which we projected this light onto in order to perhaps know in advance maybe how to repeat this metaphysical phenomenon for a second time because we're not quite there yet although at this rate if seems that to finally reach a state of thereness would mean we wouldn't be able to be here right now having this conversation like a building block struck from below or a house of cards we have to keep faith that every moment plays its part because we had an emotion for it and therefore couldn't be rendered to nothing in a wreckless attempt force it all together rather let each tile compliment it's neighbor and bypass the need for destruction by allowing enough caring energy to flow through that filter mechanism within you that deems lifes moments as worth remembering or forgetting and pretend you never heard about forgetting and avoid it like the plague because everything that ever was is depending on you to go forth into righteous so that gods original intention for letting go of unwanted baggage be synthesized within your vessel of upgrades intelligence so that the journey can still be appreciated only this time without th deceptive veil of the end. to question the little things that somehow don't mean much but at the same time appear to us daily as conduits for good fortune and thats what we must uphold ___ 11/2/17 thursday

I you and me playcated on a surface of stones that match our longing to search in the wrong places. Convenient are we done such a conceivable time that is time which is also time because what more can be said other than us winding down a fire escape to an inexplicable hatch sitting like paper mache on our transformative spiritual natures. Gone already but not forgotten just make sure to take the negative side of every situation involving 1 or more parties so as to make sure the rythym is in order because you can't go wrong with challenging the status quo of an area you're not suppose to be in even if that seems too easy and superficial it's the right choice because even the idea of rebellion as a bad thing must be able to project into a physical thing prompt for examination so secrets may be revealed. Wouldn't you know i stopped believing in faith due to its redundancy of chasing metaphysical strings too far out for us to put into words and isn't that the source of all our angst. Depraved of propositional phrases and elemental tables it's all so clear to me now. Casandra had a bag and Mikey had his sneakers in the forefront like a low hanging fruit but of course they had personalities that weren't so easy to see unless the hard work of interfacing came into the equation. Lets judge people based on judging for the sake of basing ourselves onto something not within our realm of reality. Perception is a hard question i think maybe inanimate objects could tell us a thing or two. Low pressure sodium lamps.Documentorial lecture hall amps failing to reach the end of the pyramid turned 90 degrees away from its focal point. May disease not reach our unexplainable selves if ever they may inhabit our temporary vessels like a friend who has no friends but you and wants desperately to get along with others but is attached to your ways. Are we in hell? What can our astral travels tell us about signaling locations with Etheric marks of time dialation. Things are what they are by defintion or they wouldn t be things however stepping the observer up a notch sets in motion cancer to grow from the singular notion that we ourselves separate on a cost of lightening our load. I am partly responsible for this mess we have made. Pulling my hair out in thin strands so as to not make a difference. Some people just don't understand what it means to be so far gone yet in a place of enchantment that lets us know we're not alone as Michael Jackson plays on the ham radio and Wikipedia says the song was written by r kelly. I'm a solitary young man, joined at the seams complacency and red-ridden vanishing points to a line of sight I'd rather not identify with if I had a choice. I'm seriously considering becoming rich and famous despite others already forcing me to. I guess eventually my spirit will give in as my soul looks from a distance and says what a fool I am then goes about his day. You can't be like the rest of them no matter how hard you try. Thinking on the sensualities you avoided after this rap shit led you no where. The palace at the height of creation where Jesus stopped and stared to collect his thoughts before he kept going when his alarm rang as his slave bending consistency tracked the new melinnia into a moldy piece of sandstone cheese the better of which tasted nutty with fruity notes and 80% abv shards of liquid glass on the throat thatd make even an immortal weep a shy tear or two. The pigs down in Mississippi feel things we can't understand in their slaughterhouse decrepit and forwarned in a musk ridden air flow that's non existent to hypocritical angels who were supposed to stop atrocity but opted to sit on their ads and play virtua tennis all day. Oink says the pig. Hee haw says the donkey. Give me life says the God and there on the 30th night fags came to tell the story on their faces. The bag lady told them to shut up and stop whining but they wouldn't listen though they lost their ability to speak. Goodness gracious me oh my great balls of fire. Great balls of ball you are the Lord of my lonely century in this dimension I took awareness to when I allowed you into my heart space.And then I left asking my self: Who is this I?

755559888a

Let’s stand for a while and think about the dastardly ways we have gone under the waters and flew away from temptation. Have us saying isnt it so pretty to be in something and have that to fall back on due to the struggles of forgetting the place we come from which didnt always have it out for us this bad in refusing us of inconjunctions we can at least point to and blame our problems on saying “See! There, I told you so. That’s why we cant find our beginning!” And we’ll keep toilling the fields as halflings saving up for a chance to leave the very universe we serve. “So thats more like it. Finally something I can get my flows on to” Shelly the alien said. “The Stars dont have to like you just because you see them. They have their place and so do we” Gerald said. “Oh but they do.” “How do you know?” “Well for one they always shine bright at the most oppurtune times, like when I’m feeling down about the part of myself that conveinently seems to escape me just when I need it most. If that be so then put me on to something else and that’ll do just fine.” “Perhaps you're not as big as you thought ”  Gerald held up his hand to salvage what was left of the dissolving psychic barrier between them. An invisible giant with an ocd issue. For now he could only listen. “No im not here to choose and thats exactly why Im not afraid to go where you can’t. Having the courage to admit your wrongs requires as much energy as universal rotation itself - a force which exists beyond our pleaidien awareness. ” “ But Shel- Okay whatever” Gerald paused and rolled the horizon through his scaly fingertips. “Keep calling on the unknown and you might get lost because it’s been there forever and sometimes Look, Shelly, no offense, you know I love you, but your awareness has no filter on what representation it can cling onto like danger isnt a reality to you. Me and Dazel always had to look out for you and thats just in this world what makes you think you can take on things you cant even see? “But do you believe in me? Anyone can say they love me. I’ve been hearing that my whole life. So much that it holds the same meaning as “um” does in conversation. Is that really the final conclusion we have at the end of the day? That you love me? Besides, I dont think you really meant that.”

“Here goes Miss Type-1 personality again. Always needing to label circles into squares, stars into gods, this as that, out of an inability to cope with insecurity. Leaving the rest of us as unwilling participants.”

“HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT’S WRONG IN NATURE?”  Shelly bawled.  

The beach of Temofose was out of walking distance from the orange cottage they grew up in with there Mom. When they were young it was somewhere theyd go when they had nothing else to do. Euweu Sister Beach was the brighter of the two, but now too populated for their liking. Temofose is less frequented by other families and polluted by cargo ships and a lack of open views but as they stood there a semblence of twilight through the holographic cages offered closure to the purpose of them arguing in the elements about a timeline Shelly was going to step into  And no matter what argument he could put forth, Gerald thought of it fruitless unless he spoke from his heart, a heart of which Shelly was currently taking the place of, so that he could not use it against her. “Shelly, I just hope you can understand how I dont want to let you go.” “I’m sorry you feel that way. But it’s my choice. Have a good njght Gerald. I love you” She said as she went into darkness.

Summer Break 2018

As a street light exploring strip malls, I am a linoleum tile on top of a trapezoid emitting frames of rave scenes. Heres where I find myself walking through last nights dream of the gang member selling duck pussy then getting assaulted by a pizza guy and a cop. Alone after those nights. Seems love was never meant to be expressed but felt. I look inside to see if I’m about to die, seeing diamonds mixed with sky. Materializing in the backdrop of my memories. Now I know why.

Now I know.

Then a wren on the fence manifests when it needs to. The perspective pyramid is that I pleaded for a higher calling. There’s nobody bohemian as me.  One day I’ll take this civic off the road and escape into my sacred grove. If only I wasnt such a bitch.

I carry my single briefcase through the airport parking lot. I’m hot and out of breath. Everyone watching me. I can read their thoughts but not my own. They say look at the guy who isnt me but is still conscious enough to move his vessel.

The a/c runs down to the end of the terminal, but my spirit is squared by the stores selling vain material. The pyramid of perspective is an accordian overlayed on my mind’s eye televises scenes too chaotic to put into words. Walking through customs is an event to be remembered, I tell myself. Anyone who catches my glimpse pauses for a split second, calibrating my own opinion of the why in life. A definition of nuance that was never meant to be expressed but felt. To sense what I’ve been wanting, free and alone, after all those wasted days. I board the flight to say finally I am my own religion. If I was flying over africa I’d see bon fires, but over Georgia I only see street lights. Thinking how absurd that they will speak of me as crazy. Others will listen. A vibration through these amber aisles to look no further than my destiny. Because everyone has their destination is the way it goes. I refuse. I’m tired of being a number. Atlanta had its place. Now I’m homeless in Tokyo. This is the not-so perfect end to the chapter planned out for me by the higher power. Not-so bad neither.

Save me. I’m on the other side now.

[k9cat]

To Save a Sleeping Prince

Hello! Title was made by the really cool  @storytellerofuntoldlegends​ so want to thank them for that

Alt title: "Is he Going to be Okay?"

Synopsis:  Roman hasn't wakened up yet, after being found severely injured and the rest of the sides are at a loss for what to do. Logan, though, is not one to give in quickly.

Words: 3899    AO3 HERE 

Warnings: Mentions of Blood, Bruses, injury, fire, potions, worried famILY

Platonic/Romatic PolyamSanders/LAMP/CALM

~*~

“Is he going to be okay?” Logan asked, quietly approaching Patton, looking over to where Virgil has an injured Roman’s head in his lap, gently running his fingers through the prince’s hair on the sofa.

Patton stopped stirring the soup on the stove. “I don’t know Logan, I don’t know. He has a lot of bruises. Did you find anything out?”

“Not really, I asked around, no one knows what happened. But, I did find his sword.”

“His sword?” Patton asked confused. “Where is it?”

Logan took a deep breath and held out his hand, and Romans gold sword summoned, blade pointed down. Patton held back a gasp, hand clamping over his mouth.

“Don’t worry, I’m just… holding it. Its still Romans. It’s still his name, that’s why I asked how’s he doing. I’d like to return this a quick as possible.”

“Of course. Just be careful around Virgil, he’s…” Patton hesitated. “Ya know, worried.”

“I understand.” He made his way softly to the sofa, looking over Roman who honestly looked liked he’d been thrown about like a child’s toy with the number of bruises marking his skin. The only better thing was that the dirt and blood was washed away and he was changed into one of his pajama sets, a light tee-shirt and shorts that had the drama masks printed on them. It almost looked normal, almost.

“Hey Teach.” Virgil’s wobbly voice broke him out of his staring.

“Virgil.” He replied, there was a tense moment between them, both of them looking over their injured love. Virgil continued to comb his fingers through Romans hair, but it was a distracted motion. Probably more a stim, or grounding than anything else, but it was the only thing that looked sure on the anxious trait, who was more stress than anything else right now.

“Have you figured anything out yet?” Virgil broke the silence. Logan didn’t meet his eyes.

“No, I haven’t, no one knows what happened.” Virgil hummed in acknowledgement.

“I found his sword,” Virgil shot up straight from his curled position, hand finally pausing its motions and his eyes locked onto the sharp gold when Logan brought it into view, voice stalled in his throat, mouth hanging open.

“I’m just holding it. Its still Roman’s name. I came as soon as I could to return it.” Virgil nodded a rapid yes and looked back to Roman, and he couldn’t hide the despite look that was growing in his eyes.

Patton walked in  with a tray of four bowls of chicken noodle soup and gingerly set it on the coffee table. Logan gave a last look to Patton who nodded also. He carefully laid the sword across Romans chest, hilt at his heart and the tip of the blade past his hip. It stayed for a moment, then shimmered, sparkled and dissolved into Roman, who did nothing more than release a deep breath, his frame relaxing more into the sofa and Virgil’s hold.

It wasn’t what they had hoped for, but it was better than nothing. Patton sat down on the floor and dragged a bowl to the edge of the coffee table where he was sitting. It took a moment for his hands to still enough so that he could take a spoonful of the liquid.  Logan sat down a minute after, takin his own bowl. Virgil didn’t move.

“Virge, you should eat.” Patton said.

“Mm, not hungry.”

“I know you don’t feel it, but you should eat something.”

“Not till Princey can have some too.”

“I will force every spoonful in that bowl into your mouth till it's empty if you don’t come to eat something.” Morality used his stern voice, one that was full of aggressive love, but it still made Virgil tense up even more. He snuck a glance at the dad, and he faltered under the look he was giving.

“I don’t want to leave him alone.” He mumbled out.

“Everything will be fine.” Logic replied. “He is not alone, all three of us are right here. Please, eat some soup. If you are weakened from lack of self care, how will you be able to help Roman?” Logic knew Anxiety didn’t like his reasoning, his bit lip and crease between his brow portrayed that, but he was grateful that he accepted it. Virgil gently moved the prince’s head up enough so that he could move out from under it, pillow quickly replacing the vacant spot. Creativity didn’t stir.

The only sounds were of spoons scraping across the Corelle. The fourth one laid untouched, getting cold. The others stalled as Roman shifted, but he didn’t wake, a frown marring his once relaxed face. Virgil scooted back and started to run his fingers through his hair again. It was a moment before Roman relaxed again.

“He’s on the brink of a nightmare, and I’m not sure what is causing it.”

“I feel like we should take him to his room, let him rest there.” Patton spoke up, watching Virgil keep the nightmare at bay.

“His door still opens to a field, not to his bed room, I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to bring him back there right now.”

Roman fussed again, prompting Virgil to retake his place on the sofa. “He’s not calming down, Pat- Dad…” Virgil almost pleaded. The dad stood up and flicked his hands, a glittery gold cloak shifted to a soft fleecy light blue blanket that he draped over the injured one. Roman settled down once again.

“‘M sorry.”  Virgil mumbled into the silence, just being heard.

“What are you being sorry for?” Patton asked gently, sitting down at Romans feet, tucking the blanket in and straightening out the creases.

“I ignored him. He called me and me being a jerk, ignored him, and he needed help. I’m supposed to protect you guys, and now Romans in this mess and we don’t know how to get him out.”

“You couldn’t have known Virge. For all things he could have wanted your opinion on which pair of boots to wear.”

“I know that, but, he never calls me, so the one time he does he’s in need and I just ignore him. I keep thinking about it and what if I did Listen? Roman wouldn’t be hurt and he’d be singing show tunes instead of fighting with nightmares, I don’t know if he’ll ever ask my opinion again on what to wear and I just-” Virgil’s voice cracked, he couldn’t finish his sentence, blinking back tears.

“Hey, hey,” Patton moved beside Virgil, giving him a side hug. “I know you think the worst has happened, but it hasn’t, and what’s done is done. What if you listened, and both of you were hurt. I and Logan would have hands even more full. We’ll figure this out, and in no time Roman will be telling the tale of how he cheated death, even though we all know that’s not what actually happened.” Virgil tried to give the best smile he could manage, nodding.

“You said nightmares, correct?” Logan inquired, looking like he was putting pieces of the puzzle together. Virgil nodded again. “And nightmares you can’t determine from where, so its not from Thomas then, correct?”

“Yah.”

“So, it has to be some sort of dream magic then.” Patton’s eyes grew large.

“So he’s under a spell or a curse, your saying?”

“That’s the idea Patton, and I think I know where to start asking questions.”

~*~

Logan approached the cave of the Dragon Witch. It was a dark one, but the stone was melted glassy and smooth, reflecting the flame light of torches imbedded in the walls lighting the path, it was honestly pretty, in its own eerie way. He didn’t walk far before the cave opened into a cavern, the great scaled witch curled up in the corner, sleeping. It was a marvel to look at, taking up a third of the cavern, and he wondered how she moved around. In his staring, he was not looking where he was stepping and accidently kicked a pebble. The light sound echoed, and the dragon’s eyes narrowed sharply onto him. Before he could think, there was a stream of fire barreling towards him and he was already crouching low, golden shield blocking the wall of flame, and it felt like he was in the sun, and he couldn’t breathe for the longest of times, and then it stopped. The ground was steaming around him, rock having turned molten and glowing bright yellow. It felt like a boiler room compared to the slight damp chill from before.

“You are not him.” Was ominously rumbled, ground shaking. Logan stumbled out of his crouch, his shields weight steadying him. “You have his face, but yet hold a shield. I was asleep, but yet you woke me without injury. Speak and explain imposter, before I have you for lunch.” The Dragon Witch crouched close, eyes bearing down and he could feel the heat roll off in waves. He swallowed down the lump that tried to block his breathing.

“I am Logan, Logic, one that holds knowledge. I come asking for information if you know of anything of what I am to ask if you please.”

The eyes narrowed for a moment more before a great purple cloud erupted around the great dragon and a woman just a few inches taller than Logan appeared, great horns and sharp teeth still portrayed the threat, shimmery skin and wing like cloak still betrayed dragon.

“Logic, the third of the whole. Since I yet have no quarrel against you, you may ask your question.”

“Creativity, the second, has fallen under a spell or curse, nightmares plague him and he wont wake. I ask you, if you would please lift what you have placed on him.”

“You think I placed nightmares on that pompous prince?  Its fare not me, I haven’t seen him in weeks time, thank goodness. I deal with ailments of the body, not the mind. That is the sorcerers hand. If you seek to venture there next, I give you fair warning. They do not play a fair hand like I do, and don’t give your name, foolish Logan, names hold power. Now go before I change my mind, your scent is most enticing.”

Logic did not waste time retreating from the cave, the way the Witch said his name chilled him to his bone.

~*~

It did not take long to find the sorcerers domain. Old tired trees and tangled vines covered the land outside the stone tower, and not wanting to waste time, Logan did not let the adventure that could be play through. He was bad at it anyways. He soon made it to the top of the tower, wood door swinging open to reveal the sorcerer ladling a vile looking orange liquid into a glass jar. “Just in time, Prince.” Croaked their voice, and they threw the jar, liquid spraying and glass breaking on his shield, but none of the potion came in contact with him, thankfully.

“You are now the second one to volley harmful things in my direction, I do not wish to make that a habit.” Logan spoke up to the surprise of the Sorcerer.

“You are not the prince, yet you share his face. Tell me, what trickery is this!” They exclaimed. Logan sighed, the theatrics were already getting tiring.

“I am Logic, holder of knowledge, and I have come to ask you to lift what you have placed on Creativity. He is plagued by nightmares, and will not wake.”

“Part of the whole, and a man of knowledge, I give you my respects for that. But alas, I can not lift the potions effects, once casted it stays till the proper actions are made to break its hold on the royal’s sleep, like any good sleep potion. As for the nightmares, this is not of my doing, merely a side effect. Your Prince is troubled, and as for you…” The Sorcerer trailed off tossing sprinkles of this and that into the bubbling vat in the center of the room turning the orange a red. “I might have something that could help you get rid of those pesky emotions, forever. Does that sound good? That must be appealing, it makes sense, right? Pure logic, thinking and knowledge unadulterated, that must be what’s best for Thomas to achieve his ideals, correct?” The Sorcerer had dipped a rotten apple in the vat, pulling it out perfect shiny red, and had slowly approached Logan. He stepped back towards the door, but they had waved their hand, and the wood door had swung shut and clicked locked. Effectively trapping him in the tower, unless…

He pulled at one of the many strings that threaded the Sides together, enough to get attention. The Sorcerer was getting to close. “Would like to try a bite? Know what having no emotions is like? It wont hurt, much.” Even though the apple looked perfect, it stank that rotten stench, way to close for comfort, and the Sorcerer was only pressing closer. Just when Logan thought he would have to find a different way out, he felt the pull, the full body tug of being summoned and he gladly succumbed to the wants of the others, and sank out of the dreamland.

~*~

He landed in the commons, and Patton was already there looking him over, babbling a mile a minuet which he summarized as concern and worry. There was a brief hug and it morphed into Patton fretting about the slight burn marks on his shirt and maybe the couple singed hairs he received. He managed to step away.

“Patton, I’m fine, please don’t worry. I think I know how to wake Roman.” That made Morality halt his speech, nodding, tears threatening to spill already. They made their way to the sofa, Roman shivering even though the blanket was warm. Logic noted that Virgil was in the exact same spot as when he left. He glanced to Patton, who could only give an indifferent shrug and shake of his head. He kneeled down beside Virgil who had a slightly distant look in his eyes. He gently took his unoccupied hand and gingerly coaxed the tight fist to relax and he rubbed at the tenseness in the muscles until Virgil returned to the present, and looked down at his hand in bewilderment, and then to Logic.

“Virgil,” He spoke softly. The anxious trait tried for a smile, but it was barely a twitch in the corners of his mouth. “I think I know how to wake Roman. It was not the Dragon Witch, it was the Sorcerer who used a potion, one that put him in a sleep. And usually, sleep from potion is broken-”

“By true loves kiss.” Virgil spoke up before Logan could finish, voice rough.

“Exactly.”

“How do we determine that then?” Patton asked.

“Easy, its us.”

“Us?”

“Of course, has anyone else, other than us three, received affection and shows of romantic love from Roman?” Patton and Virgil shrugged, not knowing any one else.

“So, it must be us, either one or all I do not know, but each of us should give a kiss, I do not believe it has to be in the lips either. Only true love, as the name goes.”

Virgil leaned down, and nuzzled their noses together a couple times, a small fond smile showing up. “Eskimo kiss,” he said softly. “Cause it feels nice and doesn’t overwhelm me as much sometimes, ya know,”

Logan leaned up, and placed a gentle kiss on the still shivering creative traits forehead, just like the ones Roman gives him. Patton leaned in last, eyelashes brushing his cheek, smile wavering. “Butterfly kisses, ya know, with the eyelashes? Ro likes to give them to me.” Voice watery and wavery, trying to hold back the tears. It was quiet, everyone still, waiting for when Roman would wake.

“I love him,” Virgil whispered after a moment of nothing happening. “I know we fight a lot, but I love him.”

Roman suddenly shifted, shivering slowly stopping. Virgil wiped away the tears that were threatening to spill, smudging his makeup across his cheeks. Roman shifted again, eyes slowly opened, and a soft smile graced his face. “Mmm, good morning.” He yawned out. He was promptly sweep into a crushing hug from all three of them.

~*~

Roman woke blearily to see Virgil overtop of him. “Mmm, good morning.” He smiled, still a bit tired, but it really did feel like a good morning.

Before he knew it, Morality and Logic was there beside him, and he was being smothered in a tight warm hug. Not that he didn’t like it, quite the opposite, but he was very confused. Patton was quietly trying to stifle his crying by burying his face into his shoulder. Virgil behind him looked like was a word away from letting tears slip down his face too, cheeks red and smudged black. Logan didn’t look like he was in distress, but his tight hold and slightly shaking grip betrayed him.

“My Loves,” he said gently, “What has happened to cause such distress, why wasn’t I wakened sooner?”

Virgil barked out a short laugh, dropping his forehead to his other shoulder, shifting him forward further into Patton’s and Logan’s arms, and he was made intimately aware of how much his body ached. “Ow, ow, ow,” he hissed out, stiffly moving away from the pressure that was surely put on bruises.

“Sorry, sorry,” Virgil apologised, taking his weight off the prince.

“Ouch,” Roman said as he felt a small crack as he rolled on his shoulder. Patton and Logan sat back, letting him stretch out sore muscles. He looked at himself, indeed seeing the purpling of bruises on his skin. “I am very confused, what happened?” he looked to Morality, who was continuously wiping away tears that tracked down his cheeks. He shook his head, unable to form the words. Logan sat up straighter.

“By as much as I can summarise, you were duelling with a sorcerer in your dream lands, and they managed to put a sleeping potion on you. The towns folk delivered you to us when a shepherded boy found you injured in a field. And, you wouldn’t wake, until we found the antidote.”

“You’re leaving out all the important stuff Lo!” Patton sniffed. “He was so brave and he went into your room twice to try and find the solution. He found your sword the first time, and the second time, he faced off the Dragon Witch and the Sorcerer!”

“You went questing twice to save me?” Roman asked incredibly.

“Well, I wouldn’t call it questing…” He mumbled out, growing flustered, cheeks dusting pink.

“Then what would you call it Teach?” Virgil prompted.

“Finding the solution.” He shrugged. “Like I always do, this was just a more, active solution.”

“Still you found the antidote to the potion, and went out of your way to do so, thank you.” Logan looked embarrassed at the praise, but had a certain way that he held his shoulders that showed that he really enjoyed it.

“Since I know what happened to me, how long was I out for? And Thomas, how’s he doing?”

“Out for two days, and Thomas is all good kiddo, just a little bit of a creative slump, should be all good now that you are awake.”

Roman nodded, enjoying being in the presence of his loves, until his stomach rumbled, quite loudly, making note of how hungry he was. Roman laughed softly. “Sorry, I just feel really hungry suddenly.”

“Oh no, that’s fine, you haven’t eaten in a couple days.” Patton sat up straight. “Soup, a sandwich? Oh! Grilled cheese and ham, that’ll be perfect!” He cheeky smile returned under his teary eyes, and he bounded off the sofa to the kitchen. They heard a crash not a second later and all winced as pans were fumbled around. “Nothing broke, all good!” Morality called from the kitchen. Logic looked to Anxiety,

“Will you go help him, make sure he doesn’t burn down the kitchen?” Virgil looked hesitant. “Don’t worry, I will stay with Roman here, all is good.” That seemed to assure the anxious trait, and he reluctantly let go of Roman and made his way to the kitchen.

“What’s with our dark and stormy knight?”  Roman asked after he was sure Virgil was occupied enough with Patton in the kitchen. “Not that I mind how close he’s been, but he’s been quiet to, and not in the good way.”

“I believe it is guilt. He told us you called for him, and he ignored you and now you are hurt, and I admit, it was scary seeing you at first, injured as you were. He hasn’t left your side the whole time you were asleep. We had to persuade him to eat.”  

“I called him? I don’t remember that.”

“I think it may have been a subconscious want, even just thinking of him while you were injured, or thinking and or wanting any of us. I find that people think of those they care for most when in duress, And Virgil protects us and you were injured, it is a logical leap in thinking.”

“I’ll have to talk to him later, make sure he knows that its not his fault.”

“One more thing, Roman,” Logan hesitated. “The sorcerer said that, when I confronted them, that the nightmares you were having was merely a by-product of the potion. Is there anything that is troubling you?” He gently took Romans hands. “Anything you can think of?”

After a moment Roman shook his head. “All that I remember, about any of the dreams that I had, its kind of fuzzy, but, its like there was a huge shadow over me, but it wasn’t threatening, but, shielding? Me from the worst of the storm that was raging around me. I was protected, I guess, but it was cold too, I don’t know, it’s a vague feeling.” Roman replied, brow creasing, looking, analyzing their held hands.

“That makes sense actually, Virgil said you were having nightmares and that he stayed by your side, he kept them from getting to much for you.” That had Roman smiling.

“You guys really are my hero’s, I don’t know what I would do without all of you.” That statement had Logan blushing a little.

“As long as you come back to us.”

“I promise I’ll do my best.”

“If you two are done being all lovey-dovey,” Virgil spoke up from behind them walking from the kitchen startling them, “Patton’s almost done making food, so if Princey can walk we can eat at the table.”

“Oh, Of course!” Roman shifted, and tried to get up, but the movements were slow and stiff. “I think I might need some help though.”

Logan stood up, and helped support Roman when he stood, Virgil immediately went to the other side, and he was grateful for the help.

“I’m serious though Roman, if there is something that is troubling you, please talk to us.”

“I know your serious, you are wearing your necktie.” That had a smothered giggle escape Virgil, and Logan not able to hide his smile. They walked to the warm kitchen, full of good smells and Patton’s returning smiles, happy to be all together again.

~*~

Tag list? (Thanks for all the help!) 

@wisepuma23​ @my-happy-little-bean​ @virgiltheanxious​ @davidthetraveler​ @sanderssidesstuff​ @prplzorua

[uf0-kiid]

7.25: My truth, and where I go from here-

I say MY truths, because theres many different truths. Place 2 people in the same situatuon, they'll come out with different perspectives. Everyone veiws a situation differently. To say one persons heartbreak is the same as anothers is completly untrue. 2 people going thru the same breakup do not see nor feel their pain in the same way. So my truths are simple. If youve followed this blog, or even thought to take a gander, you probably already know some of my truths. For the sake of not being repetitive or taken out of context I wont go over those again.. probably never again sadly. But who knows.

So this last month ive done alot of soul searching. Ive hiked up mountains..((also fell down mountains cx)) swimmed in canals ((dangerous asf)) jumped off cliffs ((into water)) explored las vegas... seen the grand canyon... experienced the life I didnt get to live when I was growing up, because I was in a controlling, abusive, fucked up relationship since I was 15 years old. Truth be told tho, my youth was stripped from me at the age of 13. Thats a story for another time ((or never))

Anyways, Ive had alot of time to clear my headspace and sort of go in and reorginize everything. My thoughts, my feelings, my emotions. Just my mental health as a whole. Somewhere along the way the me I was got lost and replaced with the me I refuse to ever be again. I kicked her to the curb and now I officially start to rebuild the person I truly am. To start, Negativity has no place in my life. If youre about the drama, I'm not interested. I mean, Just this last month alone has proven that I truly have control to be anyone I want to be. Showed me that I can go and do whatever I please, as long as I put passion in it. I mean, jeez, I just got back from vegas and the grand canyon!! In 2 days I seen 2 very amazing, very gorgeous, very new places that ive never seen before. Never in my life, would I ever imagine that was possible before now. Hell, California has been my dream since I was like 9, and now I live here. How amazing is that?? Just sit back and think about it. How little it takes to completly alter your life. To change it so dirastically with doing something as simple as driving 5 hours to see something thats free. Vegas was awesome , ofcourse, but nothing takes your breath away faster than sitting on the edge of a giant ass hole in the ground. Feeling this sort of pit in your stomach as the reality of how truly dangerous something so gorgeous can be hits you and rushes thru you. I must of sat there for an hour tho. Staring down and thinking about how even tho shit happened to make this giant hole in the ground, life didnt stop living because of it. There was still trees, there was still grass, there was stil wildlife. It kinda reminds you that no matter what happens, good or bad, life keeps going. Life will always keep going. When I finally zoned back in I decided that I too will always keep going. I can and will win this mental illness battle. Not only do I want to, but I have to. There's no choice. I deserve the best life possible, and the only person whos job it is to provide that to me is myself. At the end of the day whos the only one we truly have forever anyways??

So I chose not to hate my life. I chose not hate myself. I chose to take full responsibility for my own happiness, because its no one elses job to make me happy. I chose to let the love of my family and friends guide me and keep me safe on my spiritual joruney. I chose to only let new love in if its deserving of me. I chose not to be a option to anyone, because in all reality im the only fucking choice. Overall, I chose to live, and whatever that entails, ill accept what may come. I will get my shit together, and i will be happy. No one is ever gonna dull my sparkle again, because at the end of the day, im a mother fucking princess.

So where do I go from here?? The answer to that is simple. Anywhere I fucking want. ♡~

[gabriellapatterson-blog]

The first date

Dear Gabby,

Oh my god oh my god oh my god okay, so remember back when we were little and my cat died? Ugh horrible start. But remember how Jeremy something helped me out and I stayed at his house that night. Like I’ve told you this story before? Okay okay okay so yesterday I went biking (I know aren’t I being like super fit?) But anyways, I fell down and this like super cute doctor boy, so he helped me out, took me to lunch, turns out it’s JEREMY LIKE OH MY GOD ITS FATE. Obviously this is destiny like it takes you first then me? We should have a double wedding. Anyways anyways, I have a second date planned. Should we do bowling or go the beach? I MISS YOU. I checked in on your parents the other day too. Eliona is so upset that you’ve been gone. Expect a letter from her soon in pink glitter ink. How’s the prince? Have you made any friends? Please tell me you didn’t show off Mr Cuddles? Also! I just read in a magazine that he loves to be called Benny boy. You should try it! Keep me posted!

Lots of love,

Emma.

I looked down at the letter with a grin and glanced quickly to Mr Cuddles sitting promptly on my bed. I started to pull out a pen and paper to write my response when I was interrupted by a knocking at my door. Right! The first dates! I probably should have remembered considering I was not in a puffy ball gown, instead my maids had picked out for me a pair of black shorts and a white T-shirt. No idea why though.

I stood from my desk and walked over to open the door and saw Ben on the other side just as I had expected.

“Afternoon, Benny boy.”

He smiled and raised an eyebrow, “Benny boy?”

“Emma said she read in a magazine that it was your favored nickname. Figured I’d give it a try. Thoughts?”

“I wouldn’t call it favored. It was started by magazines, but-” He lifted a shoulder with a small smile. “-if you like it go ahead.”

“Nah. I’m gonna stick to Ben. Benny boy doesn’t flow as well in conversation. Though it was fun to guess what your reaction would be. To make it up you can call me Gabby gal sometime.” I said with a slight chuckle.

“So what are we doing?” I asked.

“Well Gabby gal-” He paused and offered his arm “-should I tell you now or keep it a surprise?”

I took his arm, “Hmmmmmm…I like surprises so we’ll keep it a surprise.” I then looked up at him, “Did you try the alarm clock?”

We walked down the stairs and outside past the garden as we talked about clothes, and sleeping, and breakfast until finally we made it to a weird looking baseball field.

“Care to guess what we’re doing?” He asked as he motioned to a bucket of balls, two mittens, and baseball bats.

“Hitt'n balls.” I replied with a smug grin.

He rolled his eyes with a grin, “Great seductive reasoning.” He said and let go of my arm and went to go pick up a mitt and put it on his hand.

“More specifically, a baseball lesson. Up for the challenge?” He asked. Wow baseball, he happened to pick one of the few sports I haven’t learned like the back of my hand.

“Sure. Though I have to warn you schreave. My upper arm strength is about that of an infants and I would know since i have a newborn sister. You saw my guns though so you should already know that.”

He laughed a bit and shook his head, “You’ll be fine, Patterson. It’s just a first lesson after all.” He then picked up another mitt for her, held it out. “You’re left handed, so you’ll put this on your right.”   

I took the mitt for my right hand, “I once did cheerleading for my high school’s baseball team. The boys insisted they deserved cheerleaders just like the other teams. Even though it was small enough that they were on our other teams too.”

“Well baseball deserves to be cheered for.”

“Not our team. I don’t think they knew the difference between a base and a rock. So whos doing what in this?”

He gave a short laugh, “We’re just tossing the ball back and forth for now. Strengthening up those infant arms.”

I chuckled, “Great let’s start then, benny boy.”  

He then started to throw the ball back and forth at me. I caught it with decent ease which surprised me a little. Getting a little cocky I decided I wanted to see how hard I could throw it and have him still catch. I threw it with a little more arm strength though it ended up going about as far as I had before, “So how’d the meeting with the people go that you studied for?” I asked hoping to avoid the embarrassment of my failed throw.

He snickered a bit at my failed attempt which lead me to be a little blushy. “It went well. And what we studied for, your notes were a help you know.” I smiled as he included me in it. I hadn’t wanted to take away from his effort by saying we earlier but it made me happy to know he didn’t see it that way.

“Heh I’m glad. How do they do this in those sports shows. Like the leg up thing?” I asked and tried to mimic the leg up thing but ended up losing balance when I threw and fell on my bum.

He seemed to be holding in laughter as he jogged over to me. I myself felt a bit giggly at myself. I must have looked like such a pleb.

“I think that’s what I would call a failed pitch.” He then bent over and offered me a hand. “You alright?”

I ended up laughed a bit as I took his hand and stood up, “I’m fine. Though a real failed pitch would be something like “ever need a toaster that butters your toast as well as toasts it? Well sometimes life sucks kare-” I drawed off a bit as I noticed a small cut on my hand. Woops. Well at least it doesn’t hurt.

“Woops. Not used to falling on solid ground I guess.” I chuckled then tried to wipe off the cut on my shorts. My mom would have just killed me. But we’re busy it’s not like we have time for a 35 hour cleaning and bandaging for a small cut that doesn’t even hurt.

“Wait don’t do that.” He said and took my off hit mitt and took my hand to look at the cut, his eyebrows furrowing.

Y’know it just hit me. Ben is really similar to my mom. They both seem to forget about their health because of the work. My mom forgetting to eat and only sleeping because my dad is there to make sure she does. Benjamin forgetting to sleep, though from what I’ve seen he seems to eat. They’re both very dedicated to what they do. They also both seem very careful. Benjamin with this cut and mom with her children. Oh well I’m probably looking too far into this and maybe Ben isn’t detail focused like mom at all. But I know I’m right on him having the same problem as mom with getting too involved in their work.

“I mean it’s only a cut it’s not like it needs the focus of surgical operator.” I joked as he looked at the cut.

He glanced at me with an eye roll, “I’m not the one who wiped an open cut on my pants and exposing it to all sorts of things that could infect it.” I couldn’t help by chuckle at all the drama the small cut was causing.

“But it wont. That only happens to like super unlucky people who already only have like one like and an eye. People do it all the time and nothing happens.” I guess pirates. Didn’t they die a lot because of wounds or something?

He snorted, and lifted the hem of his t-shirt slightly to dab the cut with the underside of his shirt slightly, “Better safe than sorry.”

I watched his face as he focused on patting my cut. “Sure. Better safe than sorry can apply. Hey! good thing you wore the black shirt!”

“I’m nothing if not prepared.”

“Oh yeah. Now I’ve seen this trait twice. First with studying for your meeting, now this. Just gonna tick off that prepared check box.” See now if I get asked in an interview for adjectives I’ve got so many.

He smiled and pointed with his thumb to some bats on the ground, “I was going to teach you how to swing, but…” He trailed off as he glanced at my cut hand.

“No no. It doesn’t hurt and I’m no wimp.” I said and haughtily put a hand on my chest.

He looked at me for a moment with just a little bit of a smile, “Alright then.” He picked up a bat, “How much do you know about swinging a bat?” He asked.

“Nothing really. I have swatted away my older sister from a cookie plate with a newspaper before though.” I joked.

“That sounds familiar. So I’ll show you what the stance is and then you can try.” He said then did the baseball stance then went back to normal.

“Got it. So then you just like wack right? Like whack a mole but with a ball?” I asked.

“More or less. Let’s see you try it out first before you whack any moles.” He said and handed me a 2nd bat. I took a few steps away from him and tried to swing which just resulted in the bat flying away and out of my hands. Clearly, I didn’t have a strong enough grip on it.

“Welp. Goodbye.” I stated flatly as the bat flew away. I watched it slowly fall to the ground. It would feel appropriate if the kazoo version of my heart will go on was playing behind it.

Ben laughed out loud as the bat flew away from us both, “You just have to keep your grip firm and adjust your stance. Here, pick it up and I’ll fix any mistakes I see.”

I went over to get the bat and jogged back over once I had it, “I feel like harley Quinn walking with a baseball bat. About to go fight. Steal money. Alright correct me Master baseball.” I said and got back into baseball whacking position.

He snorted, “Harley Quinn has nothing on you.” He said then eyed my stance, he stepped over and tipped my raised elbow up a bit with his hand

“Bring this up slightly and…”  He went to my right shoulder, tapping on it from behind.

“Lower your shoulder. And when you swing, pretend the ball is coming around your waistline, so you’ll swing the bat directly in that area. Swing all the way through, alright?” He said then stepped in front of me with a smile then looked at my hands.

“Oh, as for these-” He put one hand over mine and slid it down closer to my other hand on the bat. “-Keep these close together and hold onto the bat tightly. Try not to throw it to the next city this time.” He said with a chuckle.

I felt my face blush heating up just a little bit as he corrected my stance. God, I’m such a child. I bet the rest of these girls don’t get blushy just from indirect hand holding.

“Alight I got this.” I said then swung the bat with my eyes closed not wanting to see my next failure or attempt.

“Was it good, Jamin’ boy?” I asked but then paused for a moment. Yuck. That is not a good nickname.

“I think benny boy is better than jamin’ boy. That came from jamin in benjamin.” I explained.

“Not too far off from another nickname I now have, but the swing was great. Should we throw in a ball this time?” He asked.

“Alright. I think I’m ready.” I nodded along with my statement of confirmation.

He threw the ball which I easily hit on my first try. Probably beginners luck.

He grinned and watched the ball fly up before coming over to me, “You did it! A natural.” He said.

I chuckled a bit cockily, “Heh I learn fast. You don’t get as good as I am at basketball, surfing, track, cheerleading, and soccer without a skill of learning.” The soccer probably helped me hit the baseball since my eyes are adjusted to tracking fast moving spheres.

“You did all those sports? Wow you’re constantly one upping me, Patterson.” He said with a small impressed smile.

I put a hand on my hip, “Heh well if you didn’t study or do anything else you might have been able to be at my level. Soon I’ll add baseball to my list too.”

He rolled his eyes with a scoff, “I was a little busy with some other things to be at your level.”

Better than being a freeloader, “Poor Benny. Not at my level of doing nothing with their life. If only. Though at least you know what you’re doing.”

“You don’t know what you’d like to be yet?” He asked. Defensively I pushed two of my fingers against his lips so used to being scolded for my indecisiveness.

“Shush. I’m only 18. You know I read that before the castes it was normal to be indecisive at our age about careers. I mean I just haven’t found a three job that I like. I’ll get there I think.”

He nodded with a smile, “I understand. There’s no shame in figuring things out.” He looked around for a moment before plopping down on the ground.

“Are you happy with your career?” I asked. Hoping he would go off on some long tangent and reveal the secret to finding a happy fit.

“Yes. I don’t think I can imagine myself doing much else.” That doesn’t really answer my question, Schreave.

“But do you like it? Not seeing yourself able to do anything else is different. I’m asking is it something you like to do? Like what makes it good?”

“That’s exactly it though. I can’t imagine myself doing anything else because I like it so much. It’s good in that… I can help people. Or at least do everything in my power to try.”

“Huh. I guess that does make sense then. Though sucks for me since I can’t make that apply to myself to try and narrow down my options. The only thing I could ever see myself doing would lead to my mom having my head. I guess I’ll just have to go back to pros and cons lists. Lawyers argue. Maybe that’ll be competitive enough to add adrenaline?” I thought aloud mumbling the last part. I would hate the stiffy law clothes though.

“What kind of job would make your mom that mad at you?” He probably thinks I wanna be a stripper.

“Surfing, running, anything I want to do. She’s a very anti risk person and she sees it as a risk to not stick to your caste. My older sister is trying to be a fashion designer I already saw the massacre of her, don’t want it myself. She’s a very sweet person don’t get me wrong and I love her more than anything but she’s just a very careful person.”  

“Would ever go for it? Leaving your caste?”

“Maybe. I’ve considered it. There have been a few times when I’ve gone really close to just knocking on my parents door and being like “hey this is what im gonna do take it or leave it” I just don’t want to disappoint her. She pulls off the im your disappointed mother look very very well. Thats a big reason of why i started taking a gap year though. I had planned on using it to stall until I got the courage to tell her. But just seeing what’s going on with Riley and how often they are fighting its very down putting.” I must have ruined my image of not being a chicken by now.

“I can’t speak for your mom or your situation but… I imagine someday, if you did leave your caste, your mom would come to terms to it in the end. It comes from a place of love.”

I thought for a moment. Deep down I know he’s right. Mom loves us more than anything in the world and I know that nothing I could do would change that. “You’re right. I know you’re right. At this point it’s just fear.” Crud I need to lighten the mood. This is not first date conversation.

“Though, I’m sure if I can bawk like a chicken for you I can get over any other fear.” I added.

He laughed, throwing some grass over at me. “I think your expert bawking leaves you extra qualified.”

“Plus if I end up chickening out, pun intended, I could just transition from being a freeloader there to hiding in a cupboard here and steal food. I bet I could go months without anyone noticing. Sneak out at night to go surf at the beach, come back in time to sneak some breakfast and other food, then nap in the cupboard for the rest of the day. Sounds like a good life.”

We both talked for a bit more about my idea of living in the cupboard and the amazing dessert I tried while here, a lemon tart. Honestly, I’ll need to get the recipe so I can make them at home. They were like a fairy dance in your mouth.

“Oh look it’s a butterfly cloud!” I exclaimed as we laid down looking up at the sky.

“I see two bats mirroring each other.”

“You must need glasses then. Its 100% a butterfly.”

“As a matter of fact I do. You saw me in them. But right now my contacts help me just fine and those are definitely two bats.”

“Hmmm. You’re right. You were wearing nerdy glasses to study.” Suddenly the worst thought a person could possibly ever have occurred causing me to gasp, “What if I need glasses?”

He snickered, “Maybe you do. Then you’d be just as nerdy as me.”

“Ew ew ew ew I bet you infected me with your nerd cooties.”

He scoffed, “I’m not a disease that’s contagious.”

“Then why is that cloud a bunny?”

“Because you see what you want to see cootie Gabby”

“You saw mirroring bats. At least a butterfly is normal. Maybe your subconscious is telling you you have a long lost twin.” That lead us off onto a whole other topic about Wyatt and Emma until finally we made it back to the glasses.

“You look better with the glasses.” I mumbled.

He sighed, “And yet other people like me without. Can’t please everyone.” He chuckled.

“You look more like a nerd with them. It fits your personality better. At least what I’ve seen of your personality after now 2 meetings which is clearly everything.”

“Nerd seems to be the common descriptor for me so I’ll take it. You’re a little nerdy too you know?”

“I am not. I was a cheerleader that’s like the opposite of a nerd. I’m like a total jock through and through I made Cs and Bs in school. You probably made straight As.”

“There’s a very diverse group of nerds. You’re definitely included in that. And me getting good grades is just that whole dedication thing we talked about.”

I thought for a moment about hist statement, giving it deep consideration, “Hmm. You make a valid point, schreave. But due to mt stubborn nature I’ll only accept total defeat. We’ll do rock paper scissors to determine if I, Gabriella Rose Marie Patterson, am an actual through and through nerd.”

“And I, Benjamin Luke Schreave, declare that you will be proved wrong.” He sat up and faced me, sitting indian style as he held up a fist over his palm. “Best two out of three.”

I sat up and mimicked his sitting position. A plan already in my head. Paper every time. He’ll overthink it and expect me to change it at the last round. “Your on, schreave. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot.” I held my hand out flat as his two fingers making a scissor notion attacked.

It was his turn next so I waited in eager suspense as he counted down. This time my paper suffocated his fist. I took a breath in as we got to the final round. All of my life depended on this, was I truely a nerd? Had I been mislead all this time to believe I was a jock? Who am I really? Who is Gabriella Rose Marie Patterson. Only this next tie breaking throw would reveal.

“Hah I’m gonna win now for sure. I always win if i win the 2nd one. Rock, paper, shoot.” I stated trying to scare him and get him to slip up in a state of panic.

My flat hand was soon cut by his two fingers as I had to accept defeat. “Streak is over, Patterson. Welcome to the nerd club.”

We talked for a moment about cookies, then about Benjamins poor health as he commented that he didn’t really go outside much. What is he? A vampire? First he doesn’t sleep, now he doesn’t even go outside?

“How’d you enjoy your first baseball lesson? Not too terrible?” He asked starting to wrap up our date.

“Not horrible. I still don’t know how to play baseball. But i can throw and hit a baseball.” I pointed out.

He gave a small smile, “We’ll save the logistics for next time.” He said and stood up. He brushed himself off before offering me a hand.

“Yup and for now if a robber breaks in I know how to hit em.”

“No one can go up against you, Patterson.” He said and offered me an arm.

“Normally true. Apparently, I lost at rock paper scissors though. But overall we’re tied. I won the bawking you win the hand game.”

We began to walk back to the palace as we spoke, “Hmm. We are tied. Anything else you can come up with that I can beat you at?”

“Hmmmm that no. But things I could beat you at? Tons. Checkers, uno, poker, surfing, hot dog eating, cooking, speed reading.” I listed.

He scoffed, “Please, at least half of it is stuff I could win.”

“Doubt it, schreave. I get it though you’re trying to protect your frail ego. If that’s what you need to think you can think that.”

“My /frail ego?/ Trust me, my ego is plenty intact. And I’ll just have to prove you wrong.”

“Hmm looking forward to being proved wrong then, Benjamin.”

He smirked as we got back to my room, “Me too. Well we’ve reached your destination, Gabby gal.”

“Thank you for walking me back, Benny boy.” I let go of his arm and walked in front of him and then firmly shook his hand. “Is this how you end dates, business deals, or both?” I asked.

He shook my hand seeming amused by the gesture then said, “I can give you a hug if you prefer.”

I felt myself tense a little bit. Was that too much for a first date? Could I even handle a hug? We held arms already but isn’t holding hands between hugging and arm holding? Gosh I don’t know anything about dating.

“Hmmmm. I don’t know if we’re there yet or not. How bout we do a side hug, see if that’s far enough and if we can go further we’ll make the big leap for a straightforward hug?” I suggested.

He laughed at my suggestion, “Side hug it is.” He said then we both did a quick side hug. Oh that wasn’t so tough. Didn’t feel too emotional either.

“Hmmm. I’ll take the normal hug now too.” I said with a bit of a smile.

He smiled too, “What an upgrade.” He said and gave me a hug. My head ended up being at his chest as we hugged. I felt a little flustered at the hug. I stood a little bit on my tip toes so I could have my arms go over her shoulders. Soon though we pulled away.

“Did I meet your hug standards?” He asked.

“Yes. I would say you met the standards well. You get an A+.” I said referencing his A- on bawking.

He grinned, “Just another thing I excel at.”

I rolled my eyes a bit at his cheeky grin, but ended up grinning myself, “Well I had fun, Ben. I’ll see you around I’m sure.”

“I’m very sure.” He gave a small smile and wave, “Have a nice rest of your day, try not to cut yourself anymore.” Cut myself? I don’t cut mysel- oh yeah I fell on my bum.

I waved back to him, “I’ll try but there’s only so much I can do. Bye bye.”

“Byyyye.” He waved once more before turning away and putting his hands in his pockets. I watched him go just to be sure there wasn’t anything else to add before I went back into my room. I just had my first date. Giddily I went over to my desk and saw my paper and pen that I had out from earlier.

Dear Emma,

[heavyyhearts-blog]

actually heres my side

“ first, before getting to real stuff, aya has done this to other people in the past too. when she talked about them to me she said they abused her or abandoned her suddenly. i’ve only talked to one of these people, but they confirmed that aya actually abused, and then stalked them when they cut her off. i don’t have permission to post these logs so out of respect i won’t put them here. “

ive never been very clear in talking about my past experiences with most people. you make this sound as if every person that's ever "abandoned me" were all "abused" by me, when that's not the case. have i acted in shitty ways to some people? yes, but it never had anything to do with me being abandoned, at any point. one of these people, actually straight up disappeared from my life, and i have no idea why. they disappeared off skype and i havent seen them since. we had no problems between eachother whatsoever. a different example i can think of for someone i was talking about? they left because i was too stressful to be around. as in, i always complained too much and that kind of thing and it was too much to be around. i didnt even know them very long.  another example of a person i mentioned with that: they had really bad schizophrenia and like, trauma issues, and what happened there? they'd randomly like? actually start basically splitting on me and getting extremely angry at me out of nowhere for no reason, which i tried to be really tolerable of, until things basically got too much for either of us to handle and after a bit of dumb drama, we separated with , i believe, no hard feelings.

my point being? when i say "ive been abandoned by a lot of people" or whatever, im not literally claiming that i was abused by literally everyone and im some huge victim, lol. that last example? you could probably say i was abused due to the level of pent up anger they were throwing at me, , unprovoked

“ i’ve only talked to one of these people, but they confirmed that aya actually abused, and then stalked them when they cut her off “

first of all, this happened literal years ago. second of all, this person is still full of shit and i can't believe they still insist all of these bullshit lies. "aya stalked me" i hadnt visited your blog for months, i'd literally forgotten about you, yet you somehow still had it set in your head that i was "stalking" you. i wanted to remake my blog for a multitude of reasons, and one of them being, a more back of my mind thing, was, i didnt want you viewing my blog. so i remade. and, like, 2-3 days later, i got paranoid that you had somehow found my new blog, entirely new, so i asked my friend to go see if my new url was on there, because i didnt want to go back on your blog myself. and sure enough, there it was, my new url, even though i hadn't given it out to anyone or posted it anywhere, meaning you literally searched through notes of a post or something along those lines to find it. yeah ive explained this so many times now its fun :) not to mention your shitty friend(s) that would constantly twist my words around and lie saying i was doingthings that i didnt. and your only "proof" was logs of talking shit about me behind my back to one of my friends, you had no screenshots of me doing anything, because guess what, i never did it. wow. "i dont have screenshots because i deleted them all" okay bud. anyway

and now here's my main issue with everything: you are "calling me out" for things we have already personally talked about, that we either resolved, or i apologized for/said that i would try to stop doing so i can better myself which i have actually done? so i literally do not understand why youre calling me out for shit as if im some malicious person trying to hurt people that's just completely incapable of getting better or whatever. lets start

“i’ve tried to cut her off several times, both by trying to talk and express my want to stop talking to her first and by just blocking/ignoring her on everything. i made it clear i wanted to stop talking the first couple of times. she will spam and beg me and make new accounts if she has to. once ive added her back however she’s used that against me”

okay youre calling me out for this but you admitted what you did was fucked up too? and i dont know what else to even say to this other than im going to try to stop getting so attached to people like that so i maybe dont have such bad mental breakdowns every time i thnk someone close to me is leaving like sorry i cant. help feeling that way or control this thing specifically unless i just dont get attached like that at all, which is my fault.

[x] [x] [x]

here, you post a completely out of context rant from me, where i got mad at something you did that you literally admitted was fucked up. full context!

[x] [x] [x] [x] [x]

you even told me you had no idea what you were talking about with any of it.

“ one of the times that we weren’t talking she DMd my twitter mutuals asking them to screenshot my recent tweets. “

i told you my reason for it. i was extremely paranoid that you were talking shit about me behind my back and i wanted to know if you were or not, even though i did it in a really shitty way. i instantly felt so beyond terrible that i had done that. i was sobbing the entire time i was trying to apologize for how fucked up and wrong it was of me to do that, and even apologized for it again later after it had happened already. because i wanted to make sure you knew how sorry i was for it. i cant take something like that back.

[x] [x]

“recently, after getting so upset with me for doing the same thing in the past, she randomly blocked me on everything and refused to talk to me. i would understand if she hadn’t previously gotten so mad and upset at me for the exact same thing. “

?? i split really bad just like i already have been, due to , as i've already exlpained, the nonstop bad things we've had between us for months, to the point i havent been able to talk to you like normal anymore, because just seeing you pisses me off and everything you say/do will just piss me off. i cant help that. its not my fault. i cant just not split like that because we've had fucked up problems for months, that, guess what, shouldnt even be public here for all reasons ive already stated! but i also did it just because ive been deciding i need to get away from you for good, that i dont WANT to talk to you at all anymore. sucks to be treated the way you treat others right.

“ i posted on my twitter saying i wanted to drink and she instantly messaged me begging and spamming me not to “

and everything else like stalling, pressuring you etc. this is still. we talked about this. i said sorry. i got better about it. why do i have a callout.

[x] [x]

like this is literally all just trying to make me look bad in ways that i'm not. nice try, though!

“ when i cc’d bakugou and she tried to make me explain my trauma to make it Valid “

you're trying to make me look bad again. i was just asking because i was anxious wanted to know the reasoning for it and im sorry for pressing it at all but that doesnt mean i was trying to make you explain it so it could be "valid" shut the fuck up lol i even explained to you afterwards why it made me so uncomfortable and that it didnt bother me anymore, that i thought you were just blindly cc'ing him for no real reason like i just assumed it wasnt a coping thing or anything and thats my fault but??? youre trying to make me look bad for it so??? i'd even keep sending you fanart of him like.

[x]

“ she was extremely dependent on me and would spam me if i fell asleep before she woke up, she’d got upset and started splitting on me because i didn’t return her feelings of attraction. “

wat...

“ second, she’s blaming everything on her BPD and “not being able to help it,” or “can’t control herself” “

well, as you can clearly see, ive been anything but that??? but if you wanna keep telling yourself that, go ahead. have i said things LIKE that before? yes, when i was freaking out, over certain things i actually can't help, for example: abandonment trauma??? and like i said before: i need to try to not get so attached to people in the first place so that doesnt happen anymore! otherwise, should some sort of situation like that happen again, i can't handle getting that level of upset. so i prevent that by not getting that level of attached at all. like sorry but theres certain things nobody can help, even you. you're just trying to make it sound like this entire thing has been nothing but "i cant help it"

and lastly, we can't forget the fact that, for a long time, you wouldn't tell me anything. literally anything. i would repeatedly ask you. "what do i do that bothers you what am i doing wrong" etc and all you'd ever say was "idk" 95% of the time. i had absolutely no idea that for the longest time, i had been saying a lot of manipulative, shitty things and acting bad and etc, slash i had no idea that some of my episodes were actually affecting you that badly until way too late.

when you first told me that i had been acting so shitty, through a jpeg meme that was making fun of me, did i realize how awful i was being. i honest to god never had any idea and i explained this to you countless times. that i was  oblivious/i can be oblivious to shitl ike that and that i need you to tell me, otherwise I WONT KNOW.

nice meme. :) but yeah clearly this is still an accurate representation of me, right?

[x] [x]

yeah, you got me though. im a toxic, abusive piece of shit that will never get better, all i do is hurt others, i can't change, ive never apologized, ive never gotten better. totally

and since we're playing this game,

and now that i've said all this, i have nothing else to say. i can't make anyone believe me, but if you do, thanks.

[ask-the-magic-nations]

Wow I really like Franny & Artie in Ravenclaw!!

Thanks!!

((Warning: I got carried away. Like... really carried away. Basically explaining how they came to start dating in this AU. Sort of like a fic, but not really.))

Arthur really didn’t want to follow in his family’s footsteps and be a Slytherin, but he also didn’t want to be with any of his older brothers, so Ravenclaw was the only option. Plus, y’know, the studious and smart house seems like it will have pretty sane and tolerable students?

So he’s really pretty pleased underneath all his embarrassment when he hurries to the table, and he sits in the first empty place he sees, which happens to be next to Francis. And Francis doesn’t really know anything about Arthur, and he is trying to be nice, honest, and he says something along the lines of: “You must be Fingal and Tadgh’s little brother!” 

(He forgets about Dafydd. Everyone forgets about Dafydd.)

And this really annoys Arthur because literally the very reason he came to Ravenclaw was to get away from his brothers, so he says something pretty snappy and rude. And Francis is just sitting there shocked like. How dare this little firstie talk back to ME, a second year???

So Arthur kind of forgets about it (and Francis) over the next few days, partly because he and his family are always just rude to each other and he thinks nothing of it, and partly because he’s busy fending off Fingal and Tadgh, along with getting to know his subjects and the other first years (plus he and Francis are in different years, so they don’t share any classes). Then one day he’s in the common room, maybe a week after he arrives, and he says something to Francis (maybe asks him to pass him something), and Francis is like, ahaha!! Revenge time!! 

Like he doesn’t do anything bad he just gets all high and mighty and says something mildly rude back, in return for Arthur’s rudeness. They probably would have had a proper argument because if there’s one thing Arthur can do, it’s argue, but Gilbert arrives and Francis is busy.

But Francis gets to feeling kinda bad? He thinks how afraid Arthur must be, being a newbie, and he decides that since he’s the grown up one, at the mighty age of twelve, that he’ll make sure he didn’t actually upset Arthur. So he goes back to Arthur and gets ready to apologise, but Arthur thinks he’s being sarcastic? So he snubs Francis and Francis decides that’s that, he’s done being nice to the brat, and Arthur is pissed that this second year keeps annoying him, and basically it all goes downhill from there.

But they do get kinds fond of each other - like Arthur does sometimes think Francis is pretty funny when he and the BTT act up, and Francis kind of admires the fact that Arthur will fight with literally anyone including Snape. Plus they dedicate a lot of their time to annoying each other, aka Francis sure he knows Arthur’s habits in order for optimal pranking and Arthur always wanting to know what Francis is doing so that he has something to hold over his head. But they’re both way to stubborn to ever admit it.

Then in fifth year Francis doesn’t come back after summer (he’s sick or something, nothing too major but he doesn’t want to be sick at school), and Arthur’s like. What the fuck. Where is Francis. He badgers Gilbert and Antonio and even ends up writing Francis a very pissy letter. Not because he likes the Damned Frog, you understand. It’s just boring without him to fight with.

And everyone’s like. Huh. Hang on a sec. Something fishy is going on here.

Dafydd figures it out first, because Dafydd does actually keep an eye on his younger brothers and he’s fairly sensible (for a Kirkland), and he’s sat in the Hufflepuff common room one evening and just gives this huge sigh because he knows well that there is no possible way that Francis and Arthur will manage to be rational about all of this.

Yekaterina overhears him and is like, u ok? So Dafydd tells her, because he’s got a bit of a crush on Kat and he doesn’t want to upset her by not telling. Khulan also overhears, and although she doesn’t care she ends up mentioning it to Kiku when they’re talking one evening, and Kiku thinks it’s cute, because he likes Arthur and Francis.

And since Kiku knows, and since he’s under the (generally accurate) impression that Khulan would only know if it was common knowledge, he tells his roommates Mathias and Sadiq. They think it’s funny, and Mathias asks Gilbert why he didn’t tell him, since they’re cousins and all, and Gilbert’s like OOOOOOHHHH. Because this explains not only Arthur’s relentless badgering of him and Antonio, but also all those letters from Francis that all seem to be Very Interested in what Arthur is doing.

And of course Gilbert tells Antonio, who tells Lovino, who tells Feliciano, who of course tells everyone.

Fingal and Tadgh think it’s really really funny, but are also like. Proud, almost? Because the Kirklands do love each other really. Plus, Francis is a muggleborn and if Arthur falls in love with someone who’s both a muggleborn and a guy it’s going to REALLY annoy their grandparents. So they take Arthur aside and give him this painfully earnest How To Date and We Support You talk, and Arthur’s like NOOOOOOO.

(Dafydd and Seamus decide they have enough drama on their plates without all of this nonsense, so they skip out, although Dafydd does give Arthur a sort of awkward pat on the shoulder one morning which is somehow almost as embarrassing as Tadgh and Fingal’s talk.)

Of course nobody says anything to Arthur, because even if it is now widely regarded as fact, everyone’s pretty sure Arthur himself wouldn’t appreciate it being brought up, and nobody says anything to Francis either.

So he gets back to school in October, and everyone’s acting weird? he puts it down to one of those unexplainable Hogwarts phenomena and thinks nothing of it.

Except he seems to keep getting accidentally locked into cupboards with Arthur, or assigned jobs with Arthur, and it’s Really Weird.

Then the Tri Wizard Tournament starts, and obviously it’s way less dramatic and Extra without Harry being there, but Arthur has to deal with the ballad of his friend Vasilica and that Durmstrang student he Totally Hates, along with Lukas ‘what do you mean I like Mathias what are you talking about why did he talk about me?’ Bondevik. So as the Yule ball comes up he’s a bit frazzled, and decides he wont go.

But by now Francis has got wind of things and thinks that Arthur has this massive crush on him (which he does) and that he really wants to go to the Yule Ball together (which he does, but won’t ever admit to). So Francis waits for an invite, which doesn’t come. So he figures Arthur’s just shy, until he overhears Arthur talking with Abel and Erzsébet, and she’s insisting they should both go because it’s the biggest and best party they’ll see at the school.

Arthur and Abel don’t really like parties that much but they see her point. So Arthur turns to Abel and is basically like: “You wanna go together, since neither of us want to go with anybody else?”

(Abel’s aro ace and not all that sociable.)

And Erzsébet’s shocked because she’d thought Francis and Arthur were Meant To Be, so she’s like: “Arthur you’re sure there’s nobody you want to go with?” Like really heavily hinting.

Arthur does want to go with someone (Francis), but since he doesn’t realise just how widespread the knowledge that he’s crushing on Francis is, he doesn’t want to say, so he’s just: “Nope.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yes.”

“You’re ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE???”

“Yes???”

Erzsébet’s aghast because she’s got a lot on her plate trying to convince Ivan and Alfred to go together, and to get Berwald to ask Tino, plus trying to get someone - RODERICH - to ask her, so she really doesn’t have time to try and act as matchmaker for Francis and Arthur too.

And Francis is like. Heartbroken. Like he surprises himself with how upset he is. He’d got to really like the whole idea of him and Arthur.

So he’s moping for days and either stays in his dorm or the Hufflepuff common room and Arthur’s like omg why is Francis so upset? Not that I care for he is My Mortal Enemy. And even Lukas and Vasilica are like, bruh, and try to gently spell it out for him. But they’re not great with relationships either and don’t quite like to just say it.

But in the end disaster is only averted because Fingal and Tadgh are like. Annoyed. And they spend like every evening in the Gryffindor common room trying to come up with ideas, helped by Erzsébet and anyone else who’s interested. Then Seamus happens to come in with Siu Chun and Emil one day so Siu Chun can get a book from their Dorm and as he’s waiting with Emil he hears what his brothers are talking about and he’s like. Omg. no. this is so embarrassing.

All of which he says to Emil and Emil just says, “But I thought they were asking you about it to? They’ve been doing this every evening? I think they invited some of the slytherins over tonight.”

And Seamus is horrified because HE is a Slytherin. This, he decides, has gone on long enough. So when they arrive at their study group he gets Lilli to take him to the Ravenclaw common room, where Arthur is sat with Lukas and Vasilica but it’s otherwise empty and basically demands that Arthur FIX THIS AND STOP EMBARRASSING HIM.

Arthur’s mortified that Seamus knows about this, and Vasilica and Lukas have to carefully tell him that everyone knows this, and Arthur’s literally horrified, especially when he finds up what Fingal and Tadgh have been doing.

But before he can go and kill them, in an uncharacteristic display of social intelligence he finally realises what’s got Francis so upset, so he barges upstairs, slams open the fifth year dorm and basically yells for Francis to go to the ball with him. Unfortunately he’s with the Hufflepuffs right now and Arthur ends up screaming at Gupta, who’d managed to successfully avoid most of this bullshit so far, but he ends up finding Francis with Yekaterina’s help and the long and short of it is he asks Francis out. And of course Francis keeps him hanging for a few days - which gives Arthur a nice amount of time to go and have a blazing row with his older brothers - but eventually says yes the night before.

(Abel’s fine with it. He ends up going with Kiku, since the Tale of Yong Soo and Kiku is even more ridiculous. They have a good time.)

So they go to the ball, and it’s a bit awkward at first, but they end up realising that they do actually like each other, and it basically snowballs from there, although they often annoy each other because old habits die hard.

((I’m sorry, I really didn’t intend for that to be so long! Well done if you managed to read this far though lol))

[thevagabondlog]

Ive been staring at this blank page for an hour now. I haven’t written a shred of anything in close to a year, but I feel like the current set of circumstances right now dictate it. Hermes guides me. I haven’t even written a draft by hand like I normally do, Im just letting this come out and it feels great.

The last two, maybe even three years of my strange trip on this planet have been such a surreal high paced blur. Ive come to realize that I do too much in too short a time, too many places visited, people met, things done in the dead of night and the overwhelming heat of the day. A few strings busted, a few hearts broken. Nothing out of the ordinary except the fact that my address is still changing every month and I’m still getting lost daily, both in reality and in my mind. Not that I’d change it for the world. I don’t even know who exactly reads this garbage but if you still are, know this is going to be a long one. Ive got a lot on my mind, time is on my side and there’s nowhere I need to be.

Everyday in the Caribbean is incredibly hot and sticky. Every night is mysterious and romantic.

Writing this is simultaneously difficult and surprisingly easy. Its difficult to explain whats been shredding through my head the last few months or however bloody long. Since I last attempted to write, if you can call it that, Ive since been through a serious and drama filled breakup with my long term girlfriend back home, been to seven countries including South Africa ( more on that later ), morphed back into the older Joshua Palmer and basically been running a permanent anarchic riot around the world. As I write now, its once again a hot day in the Bahamas and my head is still swirling with Ricardo Black Rum from the previous night. Special Edition, of course.

Church of the Open Sky.

April 5 - April 26, three weeks back in the motherland after more than a year and a half overseas. A lot of expectations held, almost none of them met. Im not quite sure why, but looking back now in June I realize i didn’t enjoy my stay there at all. Highlights include seeing my parents again (they wept) and one or two close friends who I’m not even sure are still friends at this stage. I came to realize I hate most of the people that fill up my tiny coastal hometown, largely due to the fact that they’re all hypocritical judgmental small minded people who have never been anywhere farther than the gas station in the next town. Keep in mind that these are the same people that said I’d never amount to anything and Id be back home after a month of failed traveling searching for a job running a yacht. Choke on your words. Anyhow, I also got told numerous times that I’d changed completely, becoming much more ‘arrogant’, ‘rude’, ‘insensitive’ etc to the people around me. I suppose in a way I was, but then everyone back in that place is easily offended and so narrow minded it makes me want to shoot myself. I suppose Im much happier over here, on my own and fending for myself, in foreign countries where I don’t know anyone, and all I know is where North-East is. The entire time I was back there, I couldn’t wait to come back to the West Indies. It feels good getting these thoughts down, they’ve been bouncing around my head for too long now.

I was dancing with some girl in a club a month or two ago and in-between reggaetron and soca she asked me a question no one has ever asked before: “Where do you consider home?” I really don’t know. Definitely not back in my hometown, I don’t plan on setting foot in that place for another twenty years at least. Its not on the boat either, nor on any of the islands. Id have to say home is wherever I feel alive the most. Which just so happens to be fifteen feet underwater looking up.

May 4 - Twentieth birthday in Georgetown, Exumas, Bahamas. Largely uneventful, frankly boring and unsatisfying. Mind you I was working at the time so of course the celebrations were minimal to non existent.

January 2017 - Current.

Adopted really strange sleeping patterns similar to a Russian insomniac writer fighting his bouts of suicidal depression with vodka and pharmaceuticals. I don’t know what this stems from other than my erratic lifestyle of mainly working onboard the entire day and still getting drunk at local bars into the early hours of every new day.

Right now its summer and every heat wave day is longer than the last.

I have lost interest in a lot of people who I once thought important. I do not know if this is selfish on my part or all just part of moving around constantly, or just one of those things you deal with as you get older. I have been told numerous times that I’m not going to make it past thirty, and for some reason or other I’m embracing the thought. Go out in a strange and mysterious accident of sorts somewhere out at sea, that place that once gave birth to me. Ill let you know.

For the past few weeks I have also had these increasingly frequent urges to just pack up, delete my Facebook and go completely off the grid, getting lost in strange and exotic foreign places. Lawrence of Arabia in Morocco. Not knowing the unknown is turning me on more and more everyday, as well as the idea of just giving the finger to all the people back home who are getting married young, stuck in nine-to-fives that they hate, and coming home to deal with the mortgage and car insurance people. I left the country the first time with no actual plan, one bag and sixty dollars in my pocket and I don’t regret a single moment. And I don't mean all those cliche travel pictures and utter bullshit you see on social media telling you to just ‘pack up and go’, I mean actually deserting myself. Exile on Main St. Highway Child. Midnight Rambler.

The lust for this has never been greater. I keep asking myself just what is holding me back?

My biggest fear is living a life just like everyone else, a life that no one remembers. Why should I listen to any authority or second guess myself? Time will tell and hopefully sooner or later. And if I’m not mistaken, and I surely hope not, I may have found someone to do it with. A woman unlike anyone else Ive met or ever known before. A woman who, somehow exceeds everything I think about her constantly and is basically the exact fibre of my dream girl since I was fifteen. Physically outrageous, a beautiful figure. Mentally, she keeps me on my toes only because I hope to somehow match her standards. Well travelled and with such an eerily alike mind to my own its more than possible we were once together in an earlier life. My best efforts of a description is a glorious hybrid of a gypsy, voodoo witch, mermaid, and the Goddess Aphrodite all in one. With a sprinkling of a rebellious 1960’s mindset which only turns me on further. Making love to her only broke my mind in two and made me question everything. She’s everything I ever wanted from every rock and roll song Ive listened to, and she’s in all of them. And believe it or not I only knew her for three days before she flew off again, once more traveling. While Im starting to feel a little stuck in this place. Most would say Im crazy, but I already knew that.

I do wonder what, and how exactly she’s had such an effect on me. It makes me look back at every other girl I’ve ever been with and realize that they do not even come close to her or the psycho-electric effect she has on me. And if you know me, you’d know I dont feel like this to anyone, ever. She’s touched me deep down, and the next few months or years or whatever only promise to be very exciting.

Im trying, and not succeeding very well, to look back at everything over the past few months and years, if you couldn’t tell by now. How many people did I meet for five minutes and never see again? Friends or lovers for one night and then gone the next day never to be seen? I look at what all my ‘friends’ are doing back home, studying in their first or second year. My best friend living with his fiancee and hating every second, constant fighting and the such but too scared to leave because he believes he loves her and well, believes he cant do any better. In love with the security and constant hard work I suppose. A friend through the grapevine told me recently that he has lost respect for me and hates the lifestyle I live. I wont lie and tell you I wasn’t hurt or taken aback. We’ve spent four years together, done much, and always confided in one another. Is he jealous of the knowledge that Im traveling the world, free and easy, able to go to the bar every night and dance with exotic girls while he is forced to come home after work to a nagging unloving bitch that makes his life hell? He would never admit that. Im not scared to tell it exactly how it is though. Another trait passed on to me from my father, whom I miss so.

If I had never made the decision to leave all those months ago would I be in the same position as my friend right now? Maybe. More than likely, I was in a long term relationship with someone I thought I loved, about to get sucked into that domesticated world before I jumped ship. Haven’t seen her since actually. Thanks for the memories girl, but you weren’t for me.

Life would be very different and it would bore me to death. I prefer dying in other ways in places where no one understands English.

Now my thoughts go back to my unbiological sister, we once were very close. Always looking after one another, often mistaken to be a couple but not. I thought I was in love with her too, but she’s changed so dramatically in the time I was away I hardly recognized her anymore during my homecoming visit. She lied to me many times in those three weeks, thinking I wouldn’t find out, and probably still thinking Im ignorant. Makes me wonder why we are like we are. She told me I changed a lot too and I’m no longer the Josh she knew, that I’ve grown cold and distant. Well look at yourself babe, can you really blame me? Its only further cemented my belief that you need to keep moving forward in such a way that they will never trap you or hold you down, until finally you find someone that you want to be trapped with. You know who you are.

“I thought you needed my lovin’, But it’s my heart that you stole. I thought you wanted my money, But you plundered my soul.”

[chikotos]

speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep

its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot. 

I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,

its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time

and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So

and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore. 

and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him

when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack

and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird

n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that

i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk

and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!

and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself 

all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right

idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary

sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy 

time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind

[leaughrilke]

Outside of their family, how are the kids doing socially? Do they make friends, trust people easily? Do they have a hard time keeping their powers a secret? Does one of their moms being a Luthor affect the way people act around them? How do they deal with their moms kinda being in the public eye?

oof well this started fluffy and got angsty and then got cute again so do with that what u will

so for the most part?  the kiddos do alright!!!  they rlly do, like they’re all enough like kara that ofc they attracts ppl like moths to flame

finn’s like easily one of the most popular kids in school, starting from elementary school and like he’s not one of the traditionally popular boys??  like he’s not a jock and he’s not one of those uber macho dudes but he cares so deeply and fully and like all the girls love him to death and all the uber macho dudes for the most part love him to death as well 

like he’s rlly soft and kind and remembers ppls birthdays and who has a nut allergy so he always makes sure to make a separate safe batch of baked goods for bake sales.  he’s that kid that’s got tabs on everyone and knows who is having a bad week and who might need someone to eat with at lunch and he makes it look so fun to be nice??  that he just manages to lead by example and national city prep academy is a nicer place for him being in it

maia’s that ride or die friend like she’s super intense and kind of scary tbh but god when she picks you, she Picks you and she’ll keep picking you, keep standing up for you, keep vehemently defending u until her dying day tbh like she loves so much like kara, once she sees the good in you, once she’s decided ur one of her ppl, she’ll fight everyone in her sight for u and that is so wildly appreciated, like she has all the girls at school wanting to have her on their side, in their corner and the best thing is that she is, she will be, no questions asked

like??  she’s not half as soft as finn but she’s just as caring, just as loving and she like??  doesnt have a cult following, but she definitely is that hot ass senior that has all the underclassmen stumbling over themselves bc she nodded at one of them in the hall during passing period and stella dies a little inside bc all her friends are in love with maia to some degree

stella is the one that struggles the most socially??  bc everyone loves finn and maia doesnt give a shit if some ppl dont like her, barely notices it, but stella is a little quieter and a little bit different and she kind of weirds ppl out bc she’s just as intense as maia but she doesnt have the cool factor, she stumbles over her feet and stammers and gets easily overwhelmed and most ppl get a little weirded out by how stella always seems to know how they’re feeling??  can sort of predict whats coming in a conversation???

but god when she makes friends, they are so so protective of her.  like??  stella is disliked by a lot of ppl, is a pretty easy target but her friends love her so so deeply bc she knows how to help them best, is v careful with their feelings in a way that not a lot of kids think to be u know??  she’s not the most popular, but she’s p well insulated by the time she hits high school, has a rlly solid group of friends that stick close to her

this kind of goes hand in hand with the first part but here’s some other anecdotes lmao

finn makes friends so so easily like that boy walks into a room and within the first ten minutes he’s already got five new friends like??  he’s probably one of those student ambassadors, shows all the new kids around the campus tbh and like for sure has brownies or something to give them

like???  he’s for sure voted mr congeniality.  For Sure.  he collects friends and favors so easily and so quickly and he loves them all so much, you would think that maybe some friendships arent as deep as others and that’s true, but that doesnt mean he doesnt love those friends just as much, wouldnt drop what he’s doing to go pick them up bc their car died on the highway

that said, he doesnt trust super easily??  like he’s p wary in general, a little more suspicious of ppl than he ever lets on.  like it takes him a Long time to rlly ever tell his rlly close friends any big details abt himself.  it takes him even longer to ever invite ppl over to the house, even tho his moms are like you can??  pls do??  have a childhood kiddo

maia takes a little longer to make friends i think??  but that’s more a matter of her not noticing someone is trying to be friends with her, like she’s sort of above it all a lot of the times, often wrapped up in her own head.  but like i said, she’s p intense so once she’s noticed, she’ll dive in head first like all in, ride or die

and its so funny bc she is so so like non-plussed by things like what movie to see or stuff like that, she’s kind of a rlly great friend without meaning to??  like oh, yall were planning to do a mall night but ur period started and u dont have the energy and now u just want to lie around and eat ice cream??  she’ll pick up ur fave flavors and probably a couple redbox rentals and is down for a movie night, maybe becomes ur favorite person in that exact moment

she actually trusts ppl more easily than finn, if only bc generally the ppl that are more insistent abt actually getting to know her, not just that scary person she puts forward are usually ppl that genuinely care abt her and want the best for her??  that said, she gets in with a bad crowd and dates this super fucking awful abusive asshole that sort of destroys that innate trust for a while.  she gets it back eventually, thanks to those friends she had before the entire experience, who stood by her even when she tried to push them away

stella takes the longest to make friends??  she’s like that shy kid in the corner that wont make eye contact but when she does u feel like she’s probably seen ur soul and knows all ur secrets (which....techincally she doesnt see souls and only knows maybe four or five of ur secrets) but she’s rlly sweet and v earnest and ppl sort of find her endearing after a while

like??  she finally finds her ppl when she joins the drama department and switches soccer teams and gets into debate and starts a chess club, like??  when she starts actually embracing who she is and not trying to model herself after maia or finn or kara or lena, when she sort of loses herself in doing things that are actually interesting to her and not just what gets her the least negative responses from other ppl, she makes so many friends !!!  like girl just has to get out of her own head sometimes

of the three kiddos, she definitely trusts the easiest, just bc like??  she knows what ppls intentions are, knows when someone’s hiding something from her or has ulterior motives for trying to befriend her.  like most of the work is done for her just at first meeting like she rlly doesnt have to worry too much abt trusting ppl

they all sort of struggle with hiding their powers??  some more than others for sure

like finn probably struggles more than maia??  bc maia keeps taking that power-suppressant all through school, but finn wants to learn to control himself, wants to not be as dependent on something else to make him more human, safer for others to be around.  so he wears the glasses and softens his touch and makes sure he never moves too quickly, gives up on sports and works hard to never get angry, never let the hum of his heat vision get too distracting 

its rlly hard when he’s around his friends, harder when he starts dating, bc other ppl dont have to worry abt the stuff he has to worry abt??  like he has to have like a lot of talks with kara abt it bc he gets overwhelmed a lot, worries a lot abt accidentally hurting someone he loves

maia on the other hand struggles more with the lying??  like she has this ride or die mentality and it fucks her up that she cant tell the ppl she trusts this giant secret abt her, this thing that defines her existence??  Fucks Her Up tbh like.....she’s like a vault, her friends confess all their shit to her and she hates that she cant do the same??  cant do that without endangering her brother and sister and moms and, rlly, her entire family and she’s not going to do that, wont ever do that

so like she struggles with that, but the actual powers part of it isnt as big of a thing for her bc she keeps taking the suppressant bc she just??  doesnt trust herself not to.  doesnt trust the power in her hands, like she wont take it on the weekends bc thats when kara trains her and finn, takes them to the deo to spar but during the week, when she doesnt have kara’s steady presence to ground her, finn’s quiet hand at her shoulder to stop her when she’s about to go too far

stella struggles with it but its different??  like she’s not hiding superhuman strength or the ability to fly or anything so conspicuous, but she has to like.....constantly monitor what she says and how she acts towards ppl that dont know like??  ppl get kind of weirded out when she knows stuff abt them or like....knows their heart or some shit when they’ve only rlly known each other for a few months

that said, she also gets away with a whole lot by just saying she’s rlly empathetic with this weird little smirk that her friends think is just her poking fun at the fact that she can be kind of spacey and not super aware abt other stuff all the time but lol little do they know

i mean??  at school??  most ppl dont know like she’s mrs danvers or (insert kiddos name)’s mom and like especially in elementary school, she’s not the one at pta meetings bc she knows what will happen if other parents see her and make the connection??  so its usually kara and she usually flies under the radar, like ppl kind of know that she’s the kara danvers from page six, wife of lena luthor and doing the gala circuit when needed, but no one ever like rlly registers it ya know??

likes the kiddos friends kind of put it together but she’s still just mrs danvers to them, their friends rlly cool mom that helps them do these rlly awesome science experiments when they come over and are bored.  a couple ppls parents find out and refuse to let their kids go over anymore and the kids dont understand why and lena like.....lost tbh.  like how does she explain that??  how does she let them know its her fault, that she did this to them by association and for that she is truly sorry

but like the kiddos rlly just let it roll of their backs like it only happens maybe a handful of times and their friends are still their friends at school

but like??  when they get older, they get more vocal, like??  they’re proud of their mother and theyre so fucking sick of hearing the weird, awful comments ppl make about luthors whenever lex winds up in the news again and maia reaches a point of just FUCK OFF levels of anger, starts screaming IM A LUTHOR TOO, MOTHERFUCKER when she tackles someone in the hallway after hearing superman should do the world a favor and just get rid of that entire rats nest during passing period and that’s sort of what outs them all

things change a little after that??  like most of their friends stick around, but there is definitely a wariness towards the danvers kiddos after that, but they bear it with pride, like finn and stella arent upset in the slightest.  like??  so they lost a couple friends; good, better leave now bc they love their mom a whole hell of a lot more than those ppl and that’s never going to change

like??  they rlly arent that aware of the weird spotlight they live in for a while when they’re small, particularly maia and finn like......kara and lena kept their relationship rlly rlly quiet for a long time.  like??  no one knew they were an item until they rlly needed to come out and say it, and then they got engaged and married rlly quietly, just family and lena kept her name professionally so no one rlly knew.  and they kept her pregnancy under wraps, not necessarily hiding??  but just not announcing it either and quite honestly the press doesnt know abt finn until some opportunistic pap gets a shot of kara and lena with little roly poly finn at the park, looking every bit the deliriously happy family they are.  its much the same for maia, with no one outside of their little circle of friends and family knowing abt her until someone catches a picture of them with two little ones, not one.  and like stella??  hell, stella doesnt rlly get a debut until she’s nearly four tbh and its bc she v seriously asks to be lena’s date to her gala and like how was lena going to say no to that request

that said, when they get older, they’re kind of prime targets for some asshole opportunistic paps to swarm and try and get quotes from, try and smear the luthor name some more.  lena issues a no nonsense statement that she’s fair game, but her children are off limits.  catco worldwide issues a similar statement, that the family lives of their reporters are not open for discussion and that such targeting of children is a reprehensible act that has no place in journalism

that helps, that and the ruthless way their family encircles them, fights the press and tabloids and fights to give the kiddos as normal of a life as possible.  and like???  they rlly do.  there’s a couple incidents where the heightened scrutiny was noticeable, but mostly??  the kiddos rlly dont notice, just flip the newspaper over when its lex on the front page or switch whatever gossip show off when the topic comes round to lena, little things like that that help them live as normally as they can