#anyways i am SO SO SO enjoying getting Weird with art lately

[aurosoulart]

I finally took pictures of the VR art collab I did with Vaidehi Bhargava for her 30th birthday party!!

she has an art style I can only describe as ‘Hot Pink Psychedelic Picasso’, and it was fascinating working alongside her in virtual reality.

EVERYTHING is chaos and symbolism - the unicorns on the cake have binoculars to search for creative inspiration, the sugar cookies have a ‘devil’s advocate’ with horns & a tail hidden in the back, the food items symbolize hopes and dreams, and so much more!! the whole process was recorded and can be watched HERE

Vaidehi also wrote an article about our collaboration, describing it as ‘a feast with the Fairy King himself’ 😭💖

[hightowered]

and you know i gotta say. the vast majority of the people losing their shit this weekend made it very clear that they do not understand the difference between "artists who want a measure of comfort in their lives" and "the billionaires actually being targeted by phrases like eat the rich." that is such a weird thing to be so proud to announce to the whole entire internet.

it's also extremely weird to behave as though any individual is entitled to an artist's work for free. or that the audience should be the final say in determining what an artist creates. there is a major difference between the betrayal of an artist who produces art and then banks on their social capital to engage in harmful, violent, bigoted behavior (like jk rowling) and the "betrayal" of an artist who decides that they should be or need to be compensated for their work. the latter isn't actually a betrayal at all. it's just a shift.

the thing is that the watcher boys didn't invent capitalism, they didn't invent the streaming model, they didn't invent youtube or patreon. they aren't getting 100% of the money from either. their merch doesn't magically appear as if made by elves while they sleep. their videos don't happen out of nowhere and without incurring bills. they have a business which employs people, and sure, you can say they employ too many people, but do they actually? a bunch of randos on the internet don't actually know that. they don't know these job titles, or how necessary it is to have everyone there. it's pure speculation. the entire company exists within a system they did not invent and are trying to stay afloat in said system while a bunch of assholes on the internet berate them for not acquiescing to their every whim at the expense of their artistic integrity, their ability to compensate their staff fairly, and their ability to keep making art.

and jumping from "i want to continue enjoying this artist's work for free" to "i think people should be fired and the remaining employees should be given greater responsibilities and more tasks to complete" is wild to me. there's nothing leftist in that and so trying to leverage leftist jargon to prove some sort of moral superiority is fucking wild, it's disingenuous, and it's sketchy as hell. you're allowed to be disappointed. you're not magically exempt from being told you're being an asshole if you decide your disappointment entitles you to take part in asshole behavior.

"but we don't want something heavily produced and we don't want these shows" then don't watch! that's it! don't watch! you are not being held hostage and forced to engage with this content. you have the choice not to. throwing a tantrum and launching racist vitriol at steven lim and demanding he step down as CEO shows a level of entitlement and childishness that, frankly, i wish they could have ignored, but they're both kinder & more patient than i am.

anyway congratulations to watcher on their new streaming service and their gorgeous new website, congratulations to the boys on a new step in their careers and on achieving something they've made clear they've wanted for ages, thank you to the boys for all their hard work and for sharing their creativity with us. thank you too for taking such a big and genuinely brave step to no longer be beholden to major corporations and advertisers so you can make the art you want to make. thank you to steven lim for taking so many steps back to keep the company running and for doing your best in a shit economy and while being targeted by this kind of nastiness online. and thank you to the entire team at @wearewatcher for continuing to do amazing work despite being treated like shit by the fan community at large on the internet while you're trying to make a living and create art. you all deserve better than you've been shown of late and i hate that such an exciting moment got overshadowed by so many temper tantrums.

because the whole fucking point, the dream, is getting to make the art that matters to them, without being held back. i'm sorry y'all don't want the heavily produced and high quality shit but your preferences as a member of an audience are not the law by which artists should abide. they are artists and they are free to, and deserve to, make the art they want to make.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not wanting my fiancé to hang out with my sister and I?

Okay so my fiancé (22f) offered to drive to Mexico with her aunt and stay a couple days. It was only three days notice and she hadn't discussed it with me(24f) at all. I do think she should go, she's been wanting a vacation lately and been really upset because I can't afford to go anywhere. It's a good opportunity to get vacation and family time. I was really happy for her. I just feel like it's basic politeness to at least let me know before she gave a definitive yes since we live together so I was slightly annoyed.

Fast forward two days and it seemed like that plan wasn't going to work out because her aunt wanted to postpone, so instead she decided to go out of town with her brother (18) since she had gotten her hopes up about a vacation, which again sounded like a good idea. In the meantime I'd set up a sleepover with my sister that same weekend.

Without even mentioning the situation to me, my fiancé posted on snapchat asking if a third person wanted to go with them to keep the costs down, which would be fine if she hadn't posted it to her story. Its okay if someone else goes but maybe asking in a groupchat or a few people individually but not absolutely everyone.

So of course her ex (who she has readily admitted shes left multiple people for) asked to go. It isn't her fault that her ex is the only one who offered but also that's part of the reason why I would have asked her to ask more directly than every single person she has on snapchat.

She asked me if I was comfortable with that which was nice, and I said not really because of the nature of their relationship. The only times we've hung out, my fiancé ended up being super cold and hostile to me and laughing her ass off at inside jokes with her. I get that they have a history and I don't expect her to pretend they dont, but it just makes me uncomfortable when we're all together because I feel like a third wheel to the person I'm engaged to and her ex girlfriend.

She got upset and said I was being unfair and ruining her weekend. I told her it was fine if she could find literally anyone else and that frankly it was inappropriate for her ex to even ask. She got argumentative about how she's been hanging out with her ex for years because they have mutual friends (which is fair except the mutual friends are not invited) and that her ex didnt even know I wouldnt be there. The argument lasted another two days. She kept saying that I am being too controlling, which I dont think is fair because if she didnt care about my feelings then why ask about them. I just gave up and said it was fine. I'd be having fun with my sister anyway so I wouldn't spend the whole time worrying, and I trust her not to cheat on me I just think it's a weird situation and it makes me uncomfortable, which is what she asked.

As soon as I said yes she told me it was too late to book an airbnb so she wasn't going to go, and that really upset me because she'd been so angry about me being uncomfortable that she wouldn't leave me alone for days and what was even the point of all that if she wasn't going to go anyway and she already decided that.

During the past 4 days until canceling suddenly like that, she was 100% supposed to be going out of town to somewhere, and I had gotten really excited about my sleepover with my sister. We were going to do things that my fiancé does not enjoy (arts and crafts, watching period movies) since it would be just us and also have some much needed sister time.

All of a sudden, the next day, my fiancé asked if she could come over too since she wasn't going anywhere. I said "I guess, but we were going to do stuff that you wouldn't like." And she got mad and told me I was being super rude and I could have been nice about it, which I thought I had been and I told her I feel like if she came either she wouldn't have fun or we wouldn't get to do the stuff that we were planning to. She was still angry all night and kept saying she obviously didn't want to come now since she wasn't welcome. I barely slept because she was so clearly upset with me and I didn't see any way to fix things without ruining my night with my sister.

The day before the sleepover she kept hinting that she wanted me to invite her and I really didn't want to. Maybe before all this stuff but I am really annoyed with all of this and I don't want he to butt in on my sisters night.

I think she's been inconsiderate and mean to me over this whole thing. I just don't get her thought process with any of it. But she seems really sad and that does make me think maybe I'm being the asshole here.

So AITA for not wanting my fiancé to hang out with my sister and I?

What are these acronyms?

[sirenscriptures]

hey! we need to talk.

well hello again!! i hope you’re all doing well. i feel like it’s been a minute since i’ve actually spoken to anyone on here.

as some of you may or may not have noticed, i’ve been pretty absent on this blog lately. at least, more than i usually am. i haven’t posted any writing in well over a month which is a little out of character for me. i’ve had quite a few writing blogs on here and i can’t really recall a time where it’s been that long without me posting at least a drabble.

in my time away from this app and from fic writing in general, i’ve realized a couple things changing about myself + my attitude towards this place in general.

honestly, i’ve come to the conclusion that i don’t really get the same satisfaction from writing on here as i used to. it could be due to the lack of feedback from the general public on here, or really just me admitting that i don’t want to write for pre-existing characters/storylines forever. let’s settle it as a mixture of both!

and don’t get me wrong, i still enjoy fanfiction writing. i adore the community here and the people i’ve had the privilege to meet even through the littlest moments. it’s made me not only a better creative, but also just better in general.

i’ve just been doing this kind of thing for so long (really since i was in 1st grade mapping out my first warrior cats fanmade storyline and oc), and i think between that, and all of these more mature/explicit writing blogs i’ve had in the past 4-5 years, maybe i’ve just grown tired of ALWAYS resorting to fanfiction.

i’ve always wanted to create something that is truly mine, and i feel like i’ve been sort of “limiting” myself this whole time in a weird way. a part of me knows it isn’t true, since this has been pretty expansive for my creativity. and it’s an art form that, in my opinion, doesn’t get anywhere near enough credit for all of the thought that goes into it. i mean, you have to be pretty damn creative to be able to write multiple descriptions of sexual penetration in the same oneshot that actually sound good, and don’t sound like they were ripped straight out of booktok. just saying! (that was a joke please don’t kill me)

anyways, this is getting to be way too long of a post for something so unimportant LMAO.

to get to the point, i’m not going to be active on this blog much longer. i’m probably going to post my final works in these next few months (possibly a few fics for my feeble attempt at a kinktober, and maybe a few for my bday month in december).

and just to clarify, this is in no way me saying that i’m leaving tumblr for good after those few months are up. this is also not me saying i’m quitting “fanmade” creative works forever. i still love writing a good fic and making fan art from time to time!

in the hopefully better part of this news, i have been planning out my art account for when i feel this blog has run its course and i’ve made everything i need to make. i probably won’t announce it publicly, but for those who want it when that time comes, i will definitely make sure you get the url. as usual, mooties get first pickings when that time comes <3

i don’t imagine this will disappoint many people since i’m not really “leaving” but who knows. i’m not expecting many people to even read this far or even notice if i’m here or not lol. i just didn’t want to deactivate out of the blue since that wouldn’t make sense for me to do.

even though i’ll still be on this blog for a few more months, i want to thank you all for giving me a space to grow and express myself. not just as a creative, but as a person too. this sounds really stupid and corny but i mean it. sure, i’ve never made record numbers on here, i’m not the most popular, but i can say without a doubt i have a wonderful group of people around me on here. even if we never meet in person, or if we never interact again outside of this blog, all of you on here will always be somewhere in my memory and i will always be so grateful for you since you made me feel like i was good enough to be seen. even if it was for my shitty smut fics. <3

i love and appreciate every single one of you. let’s have a great last few months on here, ok?

vlynn

[tsuchigomoricock]

Tsuchigomori doesn't get enough attention and I am very glad I found your account! What are your favorite things about him? Honestly, I just want to hear another person that likes Tsuchigomori ramble about him:3

AAAA IM SO GLAD YOU ASKED!! Sorry for responding late ^^…. Let me ramble 😈

i absolutely love his character!!!! He is so funny with how he jokes with kou and nene or when he argues with yako , i love how different he acts when hes in is supernatural form vs his human form. Like he literally says in the manga he changes just cause he feels like it, if thats not silly idk what is… He has weird humor that makes everyone stare and look at him weird but he says it anyway and laughs at his own jokes and that is SO CUTE!!!! Or if we’re gonna get more serious, i adore his father-like relationship with hanako it warms my heart. Back when he was still alive he cared for him whenever he showed up to schools covered in cuts and bruises, always firm with him but we all know how much he cares for him.

(spoilers under the cut)

Even when he killed tsukasa , Tsuchigomori said “Even if no one else would ever forgive it, even if there’s no reason that would justify it, I forgive it.” I already started to love his character but that panel truly sold it for me. And how his yorishiro is the space rock hanako gave him? It literally is so cute, showing how hanako is important to him.. Literally he’s his dad idc… I love how he cares about the kids even if he pretends not to show it, gives them advice whenever he can. I really, REALLY wish we had more to him and knew MORE about him, i want to know everything about him!!! He is so incredibly interesting and a great character, he is so underrated and i’m happy i can ramble on and on why I like him.

Onto something less serious.. i have small reasons too, his fear of loud noises and cars!! Makes me laugh every time, he’s a GROWN man shaking in fear while cars pass 😭 i fucking love that, thats just so fun and i like his small traits. Also how he dislikes cold weather and is weak to the cold, even more adorable!!! Have you seen that official art with Tsuchigomori in his winter clothes? Its absolutely adorable… i love his expression he just looks so over it while everyone else is having fun..

As serious the story goes on in the later chapters I enjoy having Tsuchigomori there to ground everything out, how his latest concern is living his double life as a supernatural then a human is so ??? I can’t explain it. Also it would be foolish of me not to mention his looks cause.. come on, look at him!!! His little glasses chain, his two toned hair.. everything about him is so dreamy i LOVEEE him. His slippers are just so cute too idk, he’s dressed all professionally the he has slippers on… AND MY MIND WENT SOMEWHERE ELSE MID RAMBLE.. his relationship with KOU!! I live for it, Tsuchigomori is kou’s homeroom teacher and they just go at each other all the time, i live for those moments. When kou tried to bribe Tsuchigomori with bugs?? Calling him spider face?? I LIVEEE FOR IT!!!

I could continue but i think its gotten long enough… i love Tsuchigomori if you couldn’t tell. I love everything about him… tsuchigomori ryujirou i am your number one fan I LOVE YOU!!!

[meanbossart]

Misc. Ask compilation

These aren't all of the asks I want to reply to, just some that I can answer relatively quickly to clean the ol' inbox out before things get out of hand. Thanks for your patience!

HAHAHA THANK YOU FOR PERUSING AROUND and for enjoying my work! I had a... Weird Gale experience my first playthrough which led to his characterization being what it is in my comics. Here's the beat-by-beat of all the shenanigans: https://meanbossart.tumblr.com/post/740827466716807168/alright-i-am-like-90-sure-there-is-one-line-in-a

And here's just some of my personal thoughts on him! https://meanbossart.tumblr.com/post/736193145686114305/can-you-tell-me-more-about-how-you-would-make-gale

I would be lying if I said I'm not conflicted to know my style still bears some remnants of my edgy teen roots (not your fault not noticing it though, you aren't the first and won't be the last) BUT... That comic did mean a lot to me as a youth, so I guess I should be proud 🤷 and honestly it is a little cool that such a thing would survive for so long in what I do, crazy how that works.

LMAO, re: the bottom/top debacle, I was honestly so surprised to see people react to it like it's something novel. If I ever expected to get any push back on the matter, I thought it would be from people assuming DU drow was the top and taking issue with how violent and big he is (and yknow, some people are weirdly protective of Astarion as if he isn't a sneaky murder machine rippling with lean muscle)

Very disheartening to see that mindset still so alive and well among young people, but I guess it just means I gotta draw DU drow throwing more back and Astarion drooling over more ass until the stereotype is forcefully banished out of people's minds!

(more asks below the cut)

"Sleeper agent activation phrase" absolutely took me out, Thank you so much LOL

YEAH I got it pretty late though, Astarion had already told my durge that he was a vampire of his own accord (and the response was, of course, "no duh") I forgot wheter this happened before or after the first romance scene triggered, but I think after.

Since this was after DU drow decided he was gonna fuck him out of pure contrarian spite and was shamelessly laying it extremely thick, He happilly let Astarion drink his blood. Hell, he was probably a little Too Eager - the guy likes pain and he likes letting people he trusts do with his body whatever they will, and while he didn't yet trust Astarion at that point, that event might've very well reminded him of something from his past that planted a seed which would eventually grow into his genuine affection for the guy.

Ah, he definitely got a half-chub as it happened too. I'm sure Astarion noticed it and just walked off rolling his eyes and thinking "eugh of course" lmao.

Hello!!!

Oh man, I grew up fascinated with horror things. I remember from a very young age just looking at the covers and backs of horror movies at the film-rental even though I wasn't allowed to watch them. I was also easily scared but I sought those things out anyway - I think i just enjoyed the visceral reactions it drew out of me and was always curious about most things taboo.

When I got access to the internet that just opened a (very unfortunate) door to all things vile and awful like it did for so many people at that age in time. Though my tastes have changed a lot since then (Less August Underground, more The Devils kind of guy nowadays) my stories and art are just always going to fall into a horror-y category because I just... Don't think there's many better ways to showcase the human experience and emotional range without many of the elements native to the genre, and I'm all about that.

Thank you for your question and your sweet words, have a good week yourself!

I did a little write-up about that over here! https://meanbossart.tumblr.com/post/742508493562593280/i-dont-have-a-particular-question-in-mind-sorry

That's the result of a scene that happens relatively early in the story I'm writing ("A Novel Experience" on Ao3).

{SPOILERS} DU drow accidentally passes out on a blade which puts a relatively deep gash on his hip. Meanwhile, Astarion is weakened and starved after certain events that transpired the prior night. They have a private exchange both in a somewhat hazy-state of mind and Astarion ends up prodding and prying at his wound while feeding, so it's a laceration and bite mark that just scarred over badly.

Elves apparently don't grow body hair so never LOL guess they'll just have to slip&slide up on each other for heat

[ghostoffuturespast]

Works In Progress 2023: A Cyberpunk 2077 Year In Review

I thought for a hot minute about doing one of those snazzy templates that’s been going around, but editing photos just ain’t my MO and rather than going by month I picked 12 favs that I’ve posted in 2023. Some of them were popular, some of them weren't. Overall, I think I did pretty good for just doing vanilla photomode on console.

You might be wondering why there's a picture of a sticky note. I don't remember when I started doing this, and I'm horribly inconsistent as you can see by the dates, but I'll jot down my word count for my wip chapter and then jot it down again when I remember to later.

I write slow. A lot of times I sit down to write and it feels like the wheels are spinning in place. My minutes and hours don't stretch very far, typically don't add up to much. But days, weeks, months. That's when I can at least measure the progress.

Fic: So It Goes 40/44 - 438,946 words

My V x River Ward and tinfoil hat conspiracy theory long fic. I've spent way more hours on this then I have on any of my VP.

I got tagged by @just-a-cybercroissant @therealnightcity and @wanderingaldecaldo to do some WIP Whenevers. I post my VP pretty regularly, so it’s always seemed silly to do work in progress posts for them, and I don’t know when I’ll have any new writing to share since in between work and the holidays, I haven’t had much time to sit down with anything since my last chapter update. And I've been feeling very... stingy, lately. Especially when it comes to mine and other people's writing. So take this WIP/Year In Review as my offering. Both these series, as am I, are all very much still works in progress. 

I confined my reflections for this year below the cut. If you don’t want to read my long-ass essays, you can admire the pictures, maybe check out my fic, or just move along and have yourself a lovely day.

We’ll start with the easy one.

VP

After at least a year of multiple playthroughs (I’ve played all the lifepaths, done all the endings), it only occurred to me at the beginning of this year to start taking VP. Part of the reason I never did before was because I didn’t realize it was a thing and then by the time I did, I figured I didn’t have much to offer. I play on PS5 and only have access to vanilla photomode, so seeing everyone else’s high-fidelity, ultra ray-tracing, modded, posed, full on virtual photo shoot photos, I was like there’s no way. (Not that I’m hating on PC modders, it’s just not everyone has access to mods or a PC capable of running the game, and I’m all for making art and creative endeavors accessible.) On top of that, all I’d ever heard from most other folks was how much vanilla photomode sucked. In the glamorous world of VP, I didn’t think there was any room for me.

But I started snapping pics anyway. And sure, there are a lot of limitations with vanilla photomode. But what that really translates to is opportunities to get creative. I am also a hoe for subverting people’s expectations, and very much believe when there’s a will, there’s a way.

Environmental and landscape shots were my first subjects before I started branching out into portraits and then capturing story moments. Through VP I found an entirely new way to enjoy a game that I’d already played a ridiculous number of times along with also finally being brave enough to share my V with other people too. I’d always worried about that before, if people would like her. Granted, I know Grandpa’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but whether you like her or not, I certainly think she’s made a name for herself over the past few months. Even if most people haven’t really gotten to know her the way I’d hoped. 

I’ve taken hundreds of photos this past year. Most of which I’ll never share. There’s a lot of flops, a lot of weird experiments, ones that didn’t quite turn out the way I’d hoped, but I’ve learned something from every single one of them. I know how to spot good lighting, frame shots to create optical illusions, get a very limited toolkit to work in my favor, parkoured on all of the things, and heck, I even figured out how to make Grandpa smooch other NPCs. I’ve done atmospheric, mundane, down right goofy, as well as things that most people probably thought weren’t fucking possible.

I can’t say how long I’ll keep doing this, I’m sure I’ll move on at some point, but for now I’m still enjoying myself. There's a lot to explore in this game and I just can’t stop digging Night City.

Now, for the more complicated thing.

Writing

So It Goes… My peace, my war, my greedy and most ravenous of ghosts.

I’m operating under the assumption that most people following me here probably haven't read my fic or aren’t all that interested in reading it to begin with. It’s fine. But you need to understand this fic, my writing, is the main thing that brought me here. This is also Grandpa V’s story. Most of you have met her, but unless you've been reading, most of you do not know her.

I wrote around 185,000 words and posted 10 chapters this year. 2022 was about 253,000 words and 30 chapters, along with several unrelated one shots. However, I don’t think I’ve done a single chapter this year that was less then 10k, and my longest managed to hit 27k. As of the last update I posted, the fic is currently sitting at around 439k words, 40 chapters, and still isn’t done.

I have four more chapters to write. I have written a metric shit ton of words. This is, by far, the longest and most intense creative project I’ve ever endeavored to complete.

When I started writing, I was expecting this fic to be around 100-150k. That seemed to be the average for most long fics. I did not plan on being an outlier. I'm not sure you can ever really plan for that, but I guess I enjoy subverting my own expectations too.

For those of you who are reading my fic, it is my sincerest hope that it shatters every expectation of where you think it’s going. It’s not a joke that I tagged my fic “#an ode to my tinfoil hat”. An ode it has turned out to be. I’ve been sitting on this theory for two years. I have told no one about it. I hope it sticks the landing and hits the way I want it to. I don't know if it will. But fuck, I just want to be done with it so I can move on with my life, take a break, and give myself the opportunity to make and focus on other things before I have to get back on the damn horse.

I wrote less this past year then I did in 2022. I had a lot of life changes, most of which were good, but with times of change come times of adjustment. Along with some realizations that maybe you don’t understand as much as you thought you did. Looking back, I’ve been in a state of unsettled, kuzushi, for a really long time. Which is not a good place to be. It’s how your ass ends up on the ground with a knee knocking out all your teeth. I thought I knew better. Thought I had enough practice to get away from it. But bad habits have good memories.

I think given the circumstances, I accomplished a lot with my writing this year. I don’t know if my writing is exactly where I want it to be. I doubt it every will be, but it’s evolved, grown, and I wrote a pretty hefty stack of words considering I started working full-time again, bought a house with my partner, moved, and have been dealing with the millions of other beans that life tends to throw one’s way. That being said, and for full disclosure, I’ve also been dealing with some of the worst cases of jealousy and envy I’ve had since I was a teenager. 

Frankly, it sucks. They walk with me every fucking where I go, hold my hands to whisper back all my doubts. Try to persuade me to my baser instincts, to be cruel and lash out. But that's not aikido. Luckily, I’m not 16 anymore so it’s at least been easier for me to identify the problem. Though I’m still coming up short in terms of actually being able to do anything about it, and will be for at least a few months more. 

Yeah, I keep talking about it because I don’t know how many people know that I've been feeling this way. And I’m tired of not talking about it in a room full of creatives, because yeah, I know I’m not the only one that feels this way. And not talking about it just makes all that pent up resentment worse for everyone.

Don’t get me wrong, I love writing. But with the way I work and think, it’s a slow, tedious, and incredibly time-consuming art. With how much my fic has snowballed over the course of writing, it’s left very little room for the other hobbies in my life. And as my fellow writers probably already know, writing is an incredibly insular craft. And unlike a picture or an image, which only requires a glance, reading a bunch of words requires time and commitment.

So, when you put yourself out there and share what you wrote, it’s a lonely feeling not knowing whether or not anyone connected with what you put on the page. Especially, when the people who do read aren’t compelled to voice anything and when the people you’d hope would read don’t. And then you're stuck in the dark, not knowing, because neither of us says a goddamn thing.

I started writing this fic prior to actually joining the CP2077 fandom. And I joined the fandom because I felt alone. I’ve been here a while now, albeit in a few different places, and that feeling still hasn’t gone away. I’m still trying to find camaraderie with my fellow writers and carve out something that kinda sort of resembles a home or a sense of community. I watch my peers around me as they seem to build that with each other, except me.

I’m envious of the things that people make and jealous of the relationships those have created and fostered between said people, because for the life of me, it’s been a struggle to cultivate that since I got here. I know it’s selfish, but I also don’t know what about me makes people so hesitant. There have been a handful of strangers that have shown up for me regularly, but as far as people I call friends in this fandom that have shown up and actually stuck around, I can only name one right now. (I know we're all busy. And I acknowledge my writing's not for everyone. I know maybe some of you are quiet, or shy, or probably a thousand other things. I get it. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt any less. People will never know unless you say. Never know unless you take the time to interact or engage. Be brave. And that's true for a lot of things.)

The propensity is for the negative to outweigh the positive. I've got a lot of numbers on my fic, so you would think things would be fine, but at this point they just feel empty. They don't bring me any comfort or real satisfaction. And I hate feeling like the people I know don’t care and that most of you are just talking around me. That I’m some kind of annoyance not fit to interact with. Which may or may not be the case. I don’t know. Again, most of you have never said anything. And maybe I need to accept the fact that most of you never will.

But this is me trying to start conversation.

It’s really shitty, knowing that the thing I want the most is also the thing holding me back. I know how to work on it too, not that it’s any guarantee. The problem is I’m still writing and in a needy state of greed. And because I’m slow, I don’t have the time or the energy to be generous. I can only take right now. I can’t give. 

Relationships require both.

I can’t bring myself to read other people’s writing. I can’t comment, or like, or share if I haven’t read anything. I'm desperate for conversation, but I also don't have the time or assurance to facilitate it with other people right now. And for some reason people never seem to want to talk to me, especially when it comes to writing. I want to be part of conversations, talk deeply with other people. But I can’t speak right now, I'm not in a place to offer generosity without someone first giving it to me.

And generosity and grace is what we all need.

Four more chapters and I hope my ghosts will finally let me read in peace.

[uhohbestie]

[Spoilers] Gosh.. I was a bit late to the chapters because of school and helping my friend read(she thought Tilly was a person and not a dog and read the same part for twenty minutes to understand it) but I just caught up and I don’t know what to say- the newest chapter just broke me and UGH!!! JOELLL!! I don’t know what to do. I need to know what happens to him. Also the end!!! Scar and Grian going over everything they’ve done and the people they’ve saw!! I can’t- I cried- I’m not ready for this fic to be over. I seriously Don’t know what I’ll do with myself after it’s over. All I can think about is this fic and how good it is and just ahhh!!!!! I love scar and Grian so much in this and I can’t stop thinking about how many thirdlife references are there. Also Grian is still hungry so I can’t help but think he’ll eat scar just like he killed scar in thirdlife- I loved this chapter and it’s really making me cry. I’m happy they finally are together though. I now want five more fics and a movie/jk

Anyway! I’m happy I got to be here to accompany on the long journey and I can’t wait to read the last one. Like I said before I’ll always be here to see what you guys make next and I’ll be excited for it. I’ll go make art now or just think about TAMN if no zombies and Grian no cheat cause I need a bit of happiness before the epilogue.

We're so glad you liked the new chapter! :D >:D It was one we had a lot of fun writing, and were so excited (and nervous) to finally post, so we're both really glad it's been enjoyed (and made people cry)!

Admittedly we've both been going through own emotional roller coaster when it comes to being this close to the end of TAMN, but it means a lot to hear that people are excited for whatever will come next! :') Working on TAMN and sharing it has been a big part of our day-to-day for soooo long, and I know it'll feel weird not to have updates to queue and post every week. That being said! We have a LOT more planned for TAMN, and the story itself is far from over! So while it is the end of this fic, think of it as a break between seasons, rather than the ultimate finale forever, and hopefully that can soften the hurt for the time being! (And of course we'll both still be here, actively making things and posting!)

As sad as I am to say goodbye to TAMN, I am really really happy that we finished it, and excited for all the things we get to dive into next! >:D <3 -🔒

[bloggingboutburgers]

I have started working on a few pieces for the OC-tober event, I might not be able to do all of them but I wanted to try improving my drawing skills and be able to share my art.

I really love your art style, and as a young Aroace, I find your art to be relatable and enjoy reading the different things you post on your blog.

I just wanted to ask how being an aroace person had affected your life, relationships, and how people around you had reacted to it.

Thank you for making all this amazing art.

hufjkhgjdfk Oh god I'm so sorry – I just found this ask back and it dates back to october, I'm so sorry I'm replying so damn late!! T^T Arguably my fall was a bit messy...

Thank you so much for the kind words!

If I had to sum up how being aroace has affected my life throughout, I guess it'd be like...

I got ostracized or treated weird as a teen (I was bullied in the first place anyway but bleh) because people thought I was gay (very nice to gay people too as you can see)

I didn't start to get supportive "oh, OK" responses until I was in my 20s. And even then most of what I got from most people was responses like those at the beginning of this, or the ever-eternal not actually hearing me out when I say I'm aroace (and that's not to mention people who'd tell me "that doesn't exist", those who'd tell me "I can fix you" or that one guy who was like "oh yeah me too, I'm actually getting my balls removed tomorrow", but those cases are more rare, usually it's indifference and not paying attention to it at all and just deciding to treat me as allo again, which is arguably pretty harmless but pretty alienating too). Only my bros and a few close friends really supported me on that one, in a "live and let live" kinda way.

Honestly it took getting in a queerplatonic relationship with a fellow afab person and starting to be open about it for people to actually see me – and even then, probably not for what I am, for most people. I imagine most people just think I'm gay, on a surface level.

...I guess tbh that's the main most noticeable impact I guess? Most people just think I'm gay. Which feels weird. Cus I'm not.

But the few people who DO see me for who I am and accept me as such are very precious. The large majority of my coworkers over the years have been very supportive and open to listen to me ramble about my experience and considering I interact with these people everyday, that's very precious.

...God I'm bad at replying in an organised manner. I don't even know if that replied to your question in any way TwT And again, I'm so sorry I replied so late. I hope you've been well though!!

[elfhunk]

it's so funny that this stupid tumblr blog is paying a key role in the re-socialization of my fucked up brain.

below the cut because it's a sentimentally hopeful bummer but still indeed a bummer about some mental health brain stuff.

like. most of you do not actually... know me? i am making no effort to separate this blog from my actual identity.

but you do not have the context of me working my ass off for four years in art school, hitting an art block so severe that it sent me into a tail dive so severe i did not draw for several years, to my life being blown up and pieced back together at least three times now. it was a perpetual cycle of adrenaline fueled sprinting and cataclysmic disaster that i intentionally hid from everyone until it was too late.

like. i literally don't know how to draw anymore. not consistently, anyway. people joke about not using their degrees but i have taken it to an unexpected extreme. my friends have honestly (very nicely) begun teasing me whenever i say that i am bad at drawing because of how patently untrue it is.

anyway, if any of you have been wondering why i'm so delightful?

it's because something is deeply wrong with me, in a way that i am only starting to understand recently.

i now know that i am (probably, adult diagnosis is complicated!) autistic, i know that i have ADHD, and i know that i have experienced certifiably CPTSD level trauma. my therapist even confirmed for me that these things in combination do in fact result in me meeting diagnostic criteria for BPD, which is fun. did you know that entire diagnosis is under contention? it's a whole thing!

anyway, i learned that there was something deeply fundamentally destructive about the ways i was using tools like twitter or tumblr.

when i was using social media ages... what, 13-25? i was effectively a roiling ball of overstimulated receptors seeking to be everything to everyone in the desperate attempt to have my existence acknowledged. i saw that art that i made for myself didn't get me attention, so i stopped making it. i became a terrifyingly self-critical ball of nastiness that saw no point in doing anything unless it was perfect.

i saw no point in existing unless i was perfect. when i stopped making art, it began to bleed into the rest of my existence. my job performance had to be perfect. my etiquette and attitude had to be perfect. my body had to be perfect. my skin had to be perfect. my hair had to be perfect. if a flaw was identified, it was buried immediately.

this whole "delightful prince charming" shtick i've ended up adopting just sort of gradually became the safest way i knew how to navigate the world. it was a character i got extremely good at playing. it was turning into a perfectly lovely way of living life exclusively in service to other people. everyone thought it was so admirable and good of me. but then the gnawing evidence of my flaws continued to build up again. and everything blew up again.

because, dear reader? this is a terrible character to try and occupy in all waking hours of your life. the mask is going to fall eventually.

so, that brings us to this tumblr. this silly little place.

i am 28 now, and things are very different. i still have a lot of problems to figure out. i still have emotional flashbacks of varying intensity to an age where i am not even verbal and do not have words to articulate what i want or need. it's wild. i didn't even know that could happen. don't get traumatized as a baby, y'all.

but i do know what man i am trying to be. i do know that people really like that man. he's cool and interesting and sexy as fuck. i need to afford him more space to be imperfect, because i am the only one expecting perfection from him.

so that's why i am kind of digging this blog. i still get to play that character. i still get to enjoy existing in this weird way that i've carved out for myself. but i don't need to obsess over it being perfect all the time. i don't have to care what you think of me. i don't know you.

you're a goddamn stranger passing in the train station.

and i am a silly little horse doing a dance. because damn this silly little horse loves to dance. and he's doing it for himself.

[notmoreflippingelves]

Krisnix and cykesquill?

Krisnix (I Ship it)

What made you ship it?

Projecting onto Kristoph. I first started to be curious about the ship at about the same time that I got into the fandom a few years ago. Discovering the k*nk meme was pretty groundbreaking for me in terms of introducing me to a lot of ships that I might not otherwise have considered. (As I believe I've mentioned, I'm pretty indifferent to both narumayo and narumitsu so I was definitely looking for other pairings to get into besides the obvious slash option and obvious het option). Krisnix started appealing to me pretty quickly due to the inherent tragedy and drama of such a ship. However, it took me finding fanworks that leaned more into Kristoph as a comedic and/or tragic character (as opposed to just him as the designated evil villain in endgame narumitsu) and emphasized his vulnerabilities that really got me into the pairing. I really credit the Count of Monte Cristo AU, the Frozen AU, and these two pieces of fan art for really getting me to latch onto a more nuanced, emotional Kristoph and to the ship.

2. What are your favorite things about the ship?

As a former English major, I tend to get feral over ships that utilize some of my favorite literary devices. And there is so much to work with for krisnix. The "doomed by the narrative" trope, particularly given that the fact that Kristoph's actions even before they met inevitably doomed any relationship (romantic or otherwise) that they might have had before it even began. Not to mention Phoenix's savior complex vs. the man who it is too late to save.

There's this sense of Kristoph as a dark mirror/foil of Phoenix, and given that Kristoph's influence canonically brings out a very dark side ( hidden cameras, forgeries, manipulation) of the otherwise "heroic" Phoenix, I like to contemplate that the reverse may have been true as well--that Phoenix's "light" might have penetrated Kristoph's darkness even if only a little and if it was already too late. The yin-yang potential fascinates me. I also love the fire and ice imagery motif that surrounds them.

I also love the intriguing possibilities of the 7-year gap--the opportunities for closeness, catching feelings in spite of one's self in a way that is all but inevitable when you spend so much time together, the idea of Kristoph at least somewhat co-parenting Trucy with Phoenix, wondering exactly how much of their "dinners" were genuinely for mutual surveillance and how much was because they grew to enjoy each other's company, speculating as to when Phoenix realized Kristoph was involved in his disbarment (my headcanon is less than a year) and if Kristoph ever realized Phoenix was on to him.

They're also so weird about each other in a way that's so interesting to me. The solitary cell scene is frankly bizarre in a lot of ways, but I am always taken aback by how quickly the two of them fall into their old rapport. Kristoph is literally in a jail cell because of Phoenix, and yet they are super polite and friendly to each other. Honestly, Kristoph in this scene seems far more upset about the idea that Phoenix's "friendship" might have had ulterior motives from the start than he is about the fact that said false "friendship" resulted in Kristoph's incarceration. (Phoenix's bringing up their friendship, trying to snoop in Kristoph's mail, and questioning why Kristoph killed Zak are the only times in this scene that Kristoph's facade slips. Otherwise, they're just bantering like old times. Why are they this weird? I don't get it but I love it anyway).

I also love a lot of the relationship tropes that the ship plays into: uptight loves impulsive; repressed loves outspoken; contrasting visual aesthetics; fake relationship/becoming the mask; foe yay; things we left unsaid; the enemies-to-friends-to-lovers-and-not-necessarily-in that-order pipeline. It's all so good.

3. Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?

The unpopularity of this opinion has fluctuated over time, but when I first started shipping krisnix, there were really strong fanon for all of the following: 1. Top and/or Dom Kristoph who liked subjecting poor poor Phoenix to times that were neither fully safe, fully sane, and/or fully consensual. 2. Helpless cinnamon roll woobie Phoenix who has NO IDEA about Kristoph's various crimes until a Savior™ (usually Miles, occasionally Apollo, Trucy, or Maya) comes and explains the plot to him even though canon implies he puts this together on his own and pretty quickly. 3. Kristoph is a generic sociopath incapable of any real feeling and diabolically clever who gets off solely on POWAH and does evil for evil's sake.

None of these headcanons/interpretations had any appeal or rang true for me, so it was hard for me to interact even with some of the people who shipped it because they shipped in in the opposite way/ for opposite reasons that I did. I even had someone tell me in no uncertain terms that I was shipping it "wrong" for headcanoning a more vulnerable, conflicted, nuanced Kristoph who wasn't a pure one-dimensional generic villain, who had real and genuine feelings (both for Phoenix and in general) , and who was overall more likely to be submissive and/or a bottom than dominant and/or a top.

As I have said, fanon de jour has fluctuated significantly overtime and more and more people who headcanon/prefer a Kristoph more similar to the version that I enjoy have come out of the woodworks and shared their fanworks/head canons/meta with the world. (*Waves affectionately to all my beloved krisnix frens and mutuals. You know who you are. *) That being said, with the release of the AA 4-6 Trilogy port, I have noticed another shift within the larger fandom towards the "Hello Naughty Phoenix, It's Murder Time" Kristoph interpretation again, which makes me rather sad/anxious. I just wanna be able to project onto and shamelessly woobify the pathetic blond blorbo without worrying about people telling me I'm not allowed in the krisnix sandbox anymore. And like I think I'm probably safe enough but there's still a little fear.

Cykesquill (I Ship It...albeit much more casually)

What made you ship it?

A combination of being somewhat indifferent about the fandom-preferred ships for them (Juniper or occasionally Apollo for Athena; Nahyuta for Blackquill) , the fact that I already actively shipped Athena in a similar-ish pairing that is just as (if not more) "problematic," and the fact that telling me I am not "allowed" to ship something/shouldn't ship is far more likely to encourage me to ship it than actively deter me. Also I project pretty heavily onto Athena so naturally I'd be drawn towards ships that are narratively and thematically interesting for her.

What are your favorite things about the ship?

I tend to be especially drawn towards ships that are (or have the potential to be) agents of narrative/character development for the characters as individuals. And this is especially the case for Athena and Simon. They were quite literally created with and for each other.

You can't really think or talk about Simon Blackquill without first talking about Athena Cykes--about the fact he was willing to risk and even give up his life to protect a sensitive, frightened child from an experience (prison and/or execution) that would've destroyed everything about her. You can't really think or talk about Athena Cykes without talking about Simon Blackquill--about the brave, kind young man who comforted and protected her when no one else would but who wouldn't let her comfort and protect him back.

Everyone always talks about the impact that narumitsu have on each other, and I'll admit that they do. But the thing is...there are other people in Phoenix's and Miles' lives that have had as greater or greater an impact on each of them than they have on each other. (Mia, Maya, Dahlia, Trucy, debatably Larry, Apollo, or Kristoph for Phoenix; Gregory, von Karma, Gant, and debatably Kay, Gumshoe, and Ziska for Miles).

For Athena and Simon, there's really no contest, they are the single most important and impactful person in each other's life. Yes, Apollo, Phoenix, and Juniper also influenced Athena. Yes, Fullbright, Metis Aura, and the spoiler character also influenced Simon. But none of them did so to the level that Athena and Simon influenced each other. To quote Wicked, "Who can say if I've been changed for the better? (I do believe I have been changed for the better.) But because I knew you, I have been changed for good." That's it; that's them.

Additionally, they do have some other tropes that I enjoy: grump and sunshine (though Athena is so much more complex and complicated than just a "sunshine" and Simon can also be much more playful than the typical grump); the couple that saves each other; contrasting visual aesthetics; height difference; "we're both hella neurodivergent albeit in different ways,"

Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?

The fact that it's a valid ship in the first place? I've legit seen the argument that you can't ship it because hypothetical future step-incest. Which is absurd in and of itself but especially cause it's presuming a reality that could not possibly exist. One where Metis not only lives (so we're starting off very canon-divergent) but also returns Aura's feelings, assumes that because they love each other that they would of course have to get married (which not every couple want) and therefore Simon now is hypothetically Athena's step-uncle in the future and this possible reality should be treated as such even if it doesn't exist. And just if you have to conceive of so many steps in order to justify why not to ship a pairing, maybe your case against isn't as strong as you think. Also very curious to hear what OP thinks of double-in-law marriages (ex: Person A marries Person B and then Person B's sibling marries A's sibling) because like those exist in real life???

send me a ship and I’ll answer three questions based on if I ship it or not.

[kkbardd]

hi! popping in quickly.

I absolutely adore your artstyle and your ocs. their personalities and stories are always so interesting, and I look forward to seeing any type of art you post.

If you take a break from drawing asurei, that's completely okay!! doing things with joy is more important than just doing them. I will enjoy whatever you draw regardless— in fact, I regularly go back to that drawing of the unnamed pink haired girlfailure OC and her "friend" daily. i am mayhaps their number one fan.

please continue sharing your stories and ideas!! I adore your characters and designs so much. I am very excited for your toxic yuri freeloader/assassin story.. they are very interesting!!

also saw you did some dialogue in japanese.. do you speak it ? im quite interested in any language so.. apologies if this is off topic ><!

In any case, thank you for continuing to create. I love your art and hope you continue to draw what makes you happy and what you feel motivated to do. I love all your art regardless of subject matter!! in fact it convinced me to to start watching madoka magica :}

best wishes !! hope you're well!!

wahhh isopod !! u always send me the nicest asks when i need them most!! i hope ur doing well ~ although my last post sounded pretty depressing im actually doing pretty well too! im going to the aquarium next week w some friends so im looking forward to that more than anything >:D

I've been reading a lot of short yuri stories by Toyo Totan & Iwami Kiyoko lately and I'm excited to use that inspiration to improve some of my own OC stuff too! (I recommend 'Last Summer Vacation' !)

And yes I'm fluent in Japanese !! I'm actually an officer in my college's JP language community & I used to translate manga on the side !! I'm completely self-taught through videos though, so while my listening and speaking are fluent I actually suck at reading LOL I'm so bad that when I translated manga I'd use my camera's text to speech to do everything...

I'm a huge language nerd too! I watch a bunch of scientific videos/TED-Talks on how our brain learns languages and tips to learn things more efficiently! For example, apparently when you first start learning a language you should never try to speak it right off! If you try speaking before listening for a very long time, your brain just kinda solidifies your verbal pronunciation and it can have long-term effects on not only how you sound, but also how you HEAR sounds! This is also why some think that children learn languages better, because they spend a long time exposed to it while being non-verbal. I love this fact bc I kinda experienced it myself!

I spent about 2 years just watching JP translated videos of people speaking naturally (not videos aimed at foreigners, nor shows that have acting, more like vlog-type stuff!) and only started speaking when exposed to others who could speak it too ! Especially during COVID, I think I was pretty much spending ~80% of my day listening and thinking in Japanese so I was very immersed! And because of that, I'm a little famous in my community for having the best pronunciation 😤 Going to on a trip to Japan & translating for the people who went with me also boosted my confidence a lot! I'll never forget this guy at an izakaya who asked how many years I've been living in Osaka LOL ("three days actually!")

I think the biggest downside though is that once u learn another language, ur first language skills get bad.. i often think up half-sentences and sayings/metaphors in Jap that just sound wrong when you try to translate it back into Eng ;;; i sometimes trail off when i speaking because i forget the english word for certain things, but my friends are now just used to my weird metaphors so!

I went on such a long tangent!! But anyways!! Thank u for always sending me the sweetest asks, I always save them to my phone and I'm pretty sure all my friends know abt u bc I always show them the nice things u say 😭!! And yes!!! Madoka is so good, especially the movie so im excited ur gonna watch it!! I hope u like it!

and finally for their #1 fan <3 :

[utilitycaster]

you getting push back on that post is crazy to me isn't it enough to watch and get invested in something for what it is currently rather than what it will be? I have so many unfinished projects in my own life it'd be crazy to demand polished completion from everything I watch/read. my unfinished sketches and embroidery and abandoned dnd campaigns still brought joy and growth without having a polished thing to present at the end

So what's funny to me is like. I have referenced this before here and elsewhere but like, as a child, I was SO bad at ambiguous and sad endings and my mother was like, not unkind about this, but neither did she coddle it, and I think that laid a groundwork that was really necessary.

My tags, which got lost bc I did NOT expect that post to break containment, do actually touch on how Netflix and other streaming services canceling things to avoid paying people a fair wage fucking suck but yeah here's a list of creative endeavors I participated in or watched/listened to/read that do not as of this posting have endings and I still liked, and many of them aren't even directly attributable to capitalism because this is just a fact of life and art.

As mentioned, both A Song of Ice and Fire and the Kingkiller Chronicles.

Multiple D&D campaigns for sure (I actually don't make D&D characters without a game in mind and find it weird that people do and so I'm like why am I the one arguing for the beauty of the incomplete).

Multiple fics, both mine and others.

King Falls AM, a podcast I binged in like 2018-2019 and despite being a mystery never actually completed bc the creators couldn't agree.

I think Battlestar Galactica 2003 is one of the most brilliant shows of its era and also the finale, which happened when the creators intended it to, is really dumb, and that doesn't undo the fact that I loved everything else.

How I Met Your Mother ends really poorly in a way that arguably undercuts the whole series, but like, I still liked that too.

Ditto for Chuck, which also struggles in that it was on the chopping block most seasons so they kept ending in ways that probably weren't true to whatever the original vision may have been.

I saw Firefly on DVD after it had already been canceled, I think Serenity is good but I don't love all the choices, and Joss Whedon has since been revealed to be a dick but like, I enjoyed myself greatly while watching it.

As mentioned, Heroes. I didn't watch much TV until my teens anyway because we didn't have cable and our reception sucked and we were very much a book household, and this was one of the first series I recall watching from season 1 and it's also the first TV series where I was like yeah I don't care anymore, and it went on for 4 seasons and I think I gave up either late S2 or early S3.

I didn't watch Supernatural, Game of Thrones, nor Grey's Anatomy but all of those are famous for outstaying their welcome, sometimes it's better to burn out than fade away, etc.

I had already long outgrown Harry Potter and started to see its limitations by the time Rowling's transphobia became public but like, now it's not something I would ever recommend to my friends' kids or anything, and that doesn't undo the fact that I did greatly enjoy it as a child and teenager; it was indirectly the reason why I was introduced to the superior fantasy of Diana Wynne Jones, which I do still reread from time to time. (I think the "well I never liked it" mentality about works from artists who end up being terrible people is tied into the "I can't get invested in anything that might end in an unsatisfying manner." Tumblr University's media studies grads are not the brightest stars in the firmament, that's for sure.)

Like, cancellation (let alone cancellation specifically because of the unique shittiness of streaming services) is just one of the many reason things might end in a way you dislike or become difficult for you to enjoy at a later date, and that's just talking about television. Are you really going to deny yourself the joy of anticipation and watching a story unfold in real-time because the thought of something not satisfying you at every single turn is so unfathomable?

(oh, and because this is, as we know, a CR blog much of the time, I should add that this mentality is really pervasive which is wild because your average 3-season canceled Netflix show is probably the equivalent of maybe 9-10 CR episodes; thinking about how many people who now claim C2 is terrible watched 141 episodes and also the person who is iconic to me who unironically asked me what the point was in getting invested in characters who will die re: Chetney)

[spoldhamauthor]

FREE Halloween Read! 'Night Duty'

If you would like a short, spooky read to get you in the mood for Halloween then here is your Free Read for 2023, courtesy of me! If you enjoy it, take a minute to let me know. Plenty of other free reads on my site too, plus links to all my books. Thanks and I hope you enjoy it. PS Cover art virtually created by NightCafe. https://www.spoldhamauthor.com/halloween-2023

“What do you reckon then? About those ghost walks Kenny was on about?”

Emma, despite her warm-looking coat, is hugging her arms tightly around herself. Every now and then she missteps, trying to walk in a straight line like a sober person.

Walking alongside her, she bumps into me as she weaves her way down the street. I have had a few pints myself, though I think I am surer of foot than her. I let her use me as a buffer as she walks. Better than letting her wander into the road.

Not that there is much traffic. It is late, dark, very cold and this is the quieter part of town. We have had a fun evening with friends, one of whom, Kenny, spent most of the night raving about a ghost walk he went on last weekend. He took a fair bit of ribbing over it, which strangely enough developed into a more serious conversation about the afterlife.

Emma thought it was interesting. After a few minutes I got up, talked to a few mates at the bar, then played a couple of games of pool. The drinks had gone down a little too easy. Before we knew it, we were being asked, politely, to leave.

“What about them?” I respond to Emma, just a little too slowly. I grimace and check my watch. 12.50 pm. I need my bed.

“We should go on one, that’s what I mean! You up for it?”

I shove my hands into my pockets, drop my head to hide my smile, “Not really Em, you know I don’t believe in all that stuff.”

“You should have stayed, listened to what Kenny was saying. I mean, he’s sceptical too, but some of the weird stuff that happened…” Her voice trails off, her words slurred. She is more drunk than I realised.

“If he believes any of the stuff that happened on a ghost walk then he’s not as sceptical as he claims. They use actors, you know! You don’t really buy into all that, do you?”

She looks at me, unwraps an arm to loop around my elbow. At least I can keep her a bit steadier now.

“Well I don’t know do I, Josh? I like to keep an open mind. I mean, nobody really knows anything for sure, do they? Anyway, it might be fun, actors or not. Halloween’s coming up. I reckon we should book a ghost walk.”

“Really? Can’t you get one of your friends to go with you?”

“Party pooper!” She calls me, retracting her hand to stuff into her own pocket, “Scaredy-cat!” She jibes. I refuse to rise to her only semi-playful taunting.

We walk on in silence, the scrape of her boot heels the only sound apart from the distant hum of light traffic.

I hold out an arm to stop her, “Hang on! Something’s not right here.”

“What do you mean, not right? Get out of the way Josh!” She pushes my arm aside but comes to a begrudging stop a little behind me.

“Where the hell are we?” I turn on the spot, looking around. There is absolutely no sound of cars on the road anymore. Now Emma has stopped walking there is not even her footfall to be heard. The night is eerily silent. We are in a part of town I have never seen before.

“What the hell?” I whisper, wondering why my own voice has become so hushed.

“What?” Emma demands, blinking to take in her surroundings, “Very funny Josh! No need to take the piss out of me, just because I said I fancied going on a ghost walk!”

“I’m not taking the piss Emma! Look! Look around you! Do you have any idea where we are?”

I suddenly feel a lot more sober. Emma seems to appreciate how serious I am. She turns on the spot, just as I did, looking around for a landmark she recognises. There is not one.

“What the hell?” She echoes me.

“Exactly!” I exclaim.

We both stand there like idiots for a minute.

“We just go back the way we came,” I say eventually, “come on, about turn.”

I put an arm round her shoulder. Unresisting, she begins walking with me. We take only a few steps before a mist begins to fall around us. Light at first, it soon becomes a thick fog. We halt our steps again.

“This isn’t right!” Emma declares, “There’s no fog in the forecast!”

I keep the thought that this is probably nothing to do with meteorology to myself. Why am I, self-professed sceptic, even thinking that?

“I have never seen fog as thick as this before.”

“I think it’s what ye olde-time Londoners would have called a pea-souper.” Emma informs me.

“Well, we are not ye olde-timers and we’re not in London either!” I do not know why I am starting to feel panicky, I only know that I am. I take a deep breath, not wanting Emma to see it.

Even drunk she can read me well, though she is sobering up a lot, too.

“It’s okay Josh, we keep walking regardless, right? I mean, what’s the worst that can happen? One of us falls off a kerb?”

“Or into the path of an oncoming car!”

“Any driver out in this would have fog lights on and be driving really slowly. I can’t see that happening Josh. Come on.”

She loops her arm round mine again, tugging me forward. Reluctantly, I follow.

“It’s gone a lot colder,” I shiver inside my jacket, pulling Emma in tighter.

“That’s what Kenny said happened on that ghost walk,” she tells me unhelpfully, “It went a lot colder and everyone started getting the chills out of nowhere.”

“Not the best time to be sharing that!” I snap.

She looks up at me and giggles, “You’re not really scared are you, Mister Sceptical Man?”

“Of course I’m not scared!” I feel my good mood evaporating, “I’m just confused, that’s all. I have never taken this wrong turning before. Don’t you think it’s weird? I mean there, look!”

Ahead of us the fog lifts a little, allowing a patch of yellow light to shine through enough to show us black railings, a cobbled road.

“Is that a gas lamp?” Emma stops dead, staring.

I follow her gaze. For the briefest moment I get a glimpse of a tall, black pole, with what could only be described as a Victorian gas lamp atop it. It burned a mellow orange-yellow; straight out of a Dickens novel.

“That’s impossible!” I hiss, “No way! There are no naked flame street lamps in town anymore, they’re long gone!”

“What’s happening?” Emma asks plaintively. I have no answer to give her so I just shrug.

“How should I know? You’re the paranormal expert, you tell me.”

“No need to get snarky with me, Josh! I’m not an expert. It’s probably not even paranormal! I mean, how could it be? It’s just some freak weather event. Global warming or something.”

“How does global warming conjure up a Victorian street scene?”

“I don’t know, do I? Don’t raise your voice to me!”

“Now then sir, madam. What seems to be the problem?”

Emma and I jump in unison. I mean, we literally jump, stepping abruptly backwards, thumping awkwardly into one another. The figure before us has a long, neat moustache, blending into sideburns. A heavy-looking helmet sits on his head, the strap under his chin. He has a dark cape thrown over his shoulders.

I do not know if it is the lingering effects of the alcohol or the continuously swirling mist, but I cannot see any firm edge to his being. It is as if his body is as nebulous as the fog around us.

For a second it envelopes him completely, covering us in such a chill that we cling together. When it parts once more, the lamp is out. With no light behind him the strange figure seems more sinister.

“Causing a public disturbance,” he says in a dry, aged voice, “I could run you in for that.” Menacingly he taps his wooden truncheon into the palm of his free hand.

My tongue feels as solid as stone, useless in my mouth. I am unable to utter a word. Absurdly, I want to tell this officer that we were not causing a disturbance. That it was just a tiff.

I cannot speak. Judging by Emma’s silence, neither can she.

A noise begins. The sound of hard wheels rattling upon an equally hard surface. It is accompanied by the clack of horse hooves. With a chill, I realise it is an approaching carriage.

“What the fu..?” I manage to blurt. The officer cuts me off with a curt warning.

“No such language in front of the young lady!” He admonishes.

I risk tearing my eyes away from this weird apparition to face Emma, “This has to be a wind up, right? Kenny, maybe?”

Her eyes are wide as she looks up at me, her head shaking ‘no’ before I have even finished the sentence.

“This is no joke, Joshua. I think you know that. This is no prank. This is real.”

She sounds sad, all her earlier enthusiasm at possibly encountering a ghost gone.

“This can’t be real!” I whisper urgently, even though the apparition is right there in front of us, listening to every word, “This is a trick of the mind, or the light; or both. This is not real, Emma!”

“Not real?” The officer says, stepping a fraction closer, “How much have you had to drink tonight, sir?”

I do not know what to do. How to respond. What to say to make this go away; to make it not be happening. So I resort to an old tactic. I get angry.

“Back off, pal!” I say, stepping forward, even though I dread the thought of actually touching this thing, “You don’t exist anymore! You’re not even real police!”

Immediately it becomes obvious that I have offended him. Part of me wants to laugh. How do you offend a ghost? Then I see that he is not going to take such an affront lightly. Expecting a blow from the truncheon, I raise a protective arm but all he does is go for the whistle attached by chain to his chest. He puts it to his lips and blows.

A piercing, flat sound like a tiny steam train whistle rents the air. It lingers overlong, the fog parting where the sound travels. When it stops, the silence feels like a weight on my chest. My flesh crawls when I hear the unmistakable heavy tread of boots on the ground.

“Did he just call for back up?”

“What the hell is happening?” Emma demands, fear evident, “Josh, what’s going on?”

She is clinging to my arm, pulling me back from the apparition. I let her. Suddenly, I feel we need to be far away from here.

I find Emma’s hand, grasp it in my own, begin running blindly. She runs with me, both of us stumbling and panting. I hear footsteps behind us, more whistles, the rattle of coach wheels behind them. They are on our tail. Urging Emma on, I pull her behind me when I feel her begin to slow. We cannot stop.

At last, the noise behind us lessens, falls further and further away. It takes a while for me to understand that the fog has lifted and we are back in the clear air again. The night is cold but I can see lights, electric lights, brightening the gloom.

Relief turns my legs to jelly. Emma’s hand feels heavy in mine. I turn to look at her, breathless but smiling, ready to talk with her about what we have just gone through together. This will be a story we will tell for a long time to come.

I feel my grin evaporate when I see that she is not running along behind me. I am holding her hand, yes. I have no idea when her feet betrayed her and she fell. She is lying on the pavement, her clothes bloodied and torn, her skin scraped and ruched. There is a wide graze down the right side of her face. Her eyes stare up at me, unseeing. She is dead.

I cannot let go of her hand. This cannot be real. She cannot be dead. She cannot be.

Sirens approach like banshees. I don’t care. Blue lights cycle in the air. I am still staring stupidly down at Emma when someone takes a firm grip on my shoulder.

“Hands behind your back!” A commanding voice demands of me. I hear it but I don’t understand it. A second hand grabs my other shoulder.

“Hands behind your back!” Another voice takes up the command, “Do not resist! Hands behind your back, now!”

They force Emma’s grip out of my hand, wrenching my arms backwards. I feel the cold metal cuffs snap into place. A paramedic has come, is bending over Emma, checking her vital signs.

I am being dragged away. I keep turning to look at Emma, watching the paramedics do their thing.

“It’s no good,” I say to no one, “it’s no good. She’s dead. She’s dead!”

“I must caution you that you do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court.” One of the arresting officers says, almost mechanically, “Do you understand?”

“No,” I shake my head violently, “No, I do not understand! I don’t understand any of this!”

“How much have you had to drink tonight, sir?”

A chill runs through my bones. How much have you had to drink tonight sir?

“What’s happening? Why are you lot here? I don’t get it!”

“We got several calls about a man dragging a young woman violently and pretty relentlessly along the street, that’s why we’re here mate! Now get in the car!”

“What? That’s not true!” I am aware my denial sounds weak. I remember Emma’s cold hand in mine.

“Well clearly it is true, isn’t it? Going by the evidence. Now get in the damned car!”

The evidence? My stomach drops at the thought of that. I sink into the vehicle, all the fight gone out of me.

“Where’s Emma?” I ask suddenly. The officer in the driver’s seat swivels, looks at me oddly, “Emma? Was that her name?”

“Yes, yes!” I am growing impatient, “Where is she?”

“Well she’s dead I’m afraid sir. I mean, you ought to know that…”

“No, no! Where is she? Have they got her in the ambulance yet? She’s not still lying on that pavement, is she? On that street?”

“I am afraid she is, yes. There’s a protocol to be followed in case of deaths like this…”

I cut him off, “Can’t they do it in the ambulance?” I know I am wailing now, “Get her off that street, for God’s sake. Get her off it! That should be part of some bloody ghost walk, never mind Kenny’s bloody graveyard!” I am babbling now.

Tears are streaming down my face so I cannot see the officers face, but I hear the confusion in his tired voice.

“Ghost walk? Station Road? What are you talking about?”

“Station Road? It’s a real street then? Station Road? As in train station?” I ask, sniffing constantly, my throat hoarse. My heart already knows the answer to that question.

“No, not train station. Police Station. One of the first in this area back in the day. But we haven’t picked you up for a history lesson. Unless you feel like telling us what happened here, I suggest you stop talking, mate.”

I sag back onto the seat, suddenly exhausted. Who in their right mind would ever believe what happened? They would blame the drink or something.

I look out of the window. Just beyond the busy paramedics still bent over Emma’s lifeless form, I make out the outline of an archaic policeman. His helmet and uniform are out of time, his moustache and sideburns eccentric. A veil of white mist swirls around him.

Even from this distance, through the window, he catches my eye. He taps the peak of his helmet as if in salute, turns on his heel, his cape swirling dramatically around his shoulders. He saunters away; for all the world pleased with a good job done well.

The soft yellow flame of an antique street lamp blossoms into life for the briefest of moments, welcoming the ghost into its circle of light.

Then they are gone, taking all the light with them.

 

S P Oldham

[lexosaurus]

The Phantom Martian: Chapter 9

I am a day late on this update on account of I fell asleep while editing not once but twice.

Anyway, enjoy the chapter! And look at the art featured by @pompomqt and @friendzoned61 at the end because it is s-t-u-n-n-i-n-g

This is a crossover between The Martian x Danny Phantom. You do not have to have read/watched The Martian to understand this fic. Andy Weir, the author, has also written a few other books including Hail Mary which is unrelated to this fic but I am obsessed with the character Rocky in it. He's literally an alien rock and I would Die for him thank you.

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Summary: When Astronaut Mark Watney went to Mars, he knew there was a chance he'd never come home. Now, though, he's determined to last long enough for NASA to save him because this whole dying for science thing is not as fun as it sounds.

Meanwhile, Danny Fenton is just trying to keep his identity a secret amidst a potential crisis with his powers. Seriously, what's up with that weird current under his skin? Why is he having so much trouble controlling it? And why does it feel so familiar...?

In a fit of determination (and possible stupidity), Danny goes to Mars to save Watney, only to add to both their crises when he arrives and can't get home. Will NASA save them? Will Danny have a home to return to if they do?

Chapter WC: 5370

Fic Tags: Danny Fenton & Mark Watney, Canon Divergence, Ecton AU

Chapter excerpt under the cut

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[08:01] JPL: Watney, what is your status? [08:13] WATNEY: Still alive and kicking. Phantom slept on Martinez's bed. The potatoes are doing well. [08:25] JPL: Be advised that the longer the ectoentity stays in the Hab, the greater the risk of you being compromised. [08:37] WATNEY: Heard, but Phantom has reiterated that the GIW are, quote, “Full of s*** and don't know f*** all about ghosts.” [08:49] JPL: We have put together a plan for removing the ectoentity from the Hab. You will receive it in your data dump today. [09:13] JPL: Watney, do you copy? [09:25] WATNEY: Yes, I copy. My guest has joined and has a few things he'd like to say, so I'm handing the keyboard over to him for a minute. [09:37] JPL: Do not give Phantom control over our sole communication device. [09:39] WATNEY: Hi NASA, this is Phantom.

[josukespimphand]

I've been meaning to watch Jujutsu Kaisen. What got you watching? I just finished season one of Delicious in Dungeon.

Ahhh I’ve been watching/ reading it since the first season! I originally got into JJK because of Gojo… I didn’t even know who he was but I remember scrolling on twitter and seeing someone with a cropped closeup of Gojo’s face from vol. 4? But I remember being too shy to ask this person who he was/ what series was he from lol. I remember seeing the art and thinking “not to sound weird but I really love how this guys teeth is drawn…” and so, I reversed image searched the drawing and wala!

This was a few months before S1 had even gotten announced, too. I remember pulling up the manga and reading a few pages and not getting all that far (I was being lazy tbh.) but then, the anime had gotten announced and I was like “wait, isn’t this the series that I just found out about a couple of months ago??? It looks fun :0!!!” But even then, I still hadn’t started on reading it until after the second episode was released lmfao.

I actually ended up binging the manga in one night and at the time, there were only about 50ish chapters available so I was literally fiending for more if I’m being real 😭… I was so crazwkskakal. I wasn’t too nuts about Gojo originally (I was definitely a FAN but I remember being so normal about him during S1’s original run lmfao. The things I’ve said about that man… I’m a Gojo girl unfortunately….. I’m still kind of normal about him though. He’s a very well written character and deserves all of the love he gets as a character kakakak. It’s so easy to like him!

I do tend to stay away from fandoms in general (I’ve done this ever since I’d started to use social media) but especially regarding the fans of the stuff I actually enjoy. Outside of the classics like Naruto (always in my heart…) and such, I haven’t really enjoyed a new age shounen and series this much with my whole heart since JJBA (not new age but you get it) and if you’ve been following this blog for a while then you must know that I used to be such a huge fan of it! (I still am but I’ve calmed down… I miss it a whole lot actually. I still have to catch up with JoJolands… haven’t gotten that far tbh.)

DM is fun but I haven’t gotten all that far into the manga (only ever read the first chapter and that was years ago) but I watched the first 12 or so episodes and I really enjoyed them! Haven’t looked back (it’s hard to keep up with anime… and the fans make me not want to interact with it as much tbh…. JJK is diff since i genuinely adore it and I don’t interact with the fans at all anyway outside of a few mutuals/friends and I pretend everything else doesn’t exist 😭…… JJK fans are so 👎🏾 but I’m already invested so it’s a little too late for me to turn back 🫨.)