#anyways I’m sad [redacted] dies

[max-nolastname]

all that struggle just for [redacted] to die at the end :((( love does not prevail :(( your loved one was doomed from the beginning. they were always meant to die because they were meant to be your lesson, your cautionary tale. your dream is to become king of the pirates because to be king means to be the most free. to be king means you have the power to protect the ones you love. but for all the considerable strength you have, all the powerful foes you have fought and won against, all the powerful allies you have amassed, [redacted] still dies. because the narrative demands a loss from you, a low point in your hero’s journey so you can learn your lesson and build your way back up. so ….. unfortunately!! [redacted] has to fucking die!

[winters8child]

It´s been a long, long time

Chapter 54

The hour was late, the tower enveloped in an eerie stillness as I finally made my way back. As I trudged wearily past the dimly lit kitchen, the soft glow of the dying embers casting flickering shadows on the walls, a sudden, deliberate clearing of a throat pierced the silence from behind me. I slowly turned around, my heart pounding in the stillness. The moment Natasha caught sight of my face, her smirk vanished, replaced instantly by a look of deep concern.

"What happened?" she asked, gripping my arms tightly, her eyes searching mine. "I couldn't do it. I was so close, but then I saw that baby... I don't know... I thought I was over it..." I stammered, my voice faltering as Natasha gently led me into the kitchen. She eased me into a chair and placed a steaming mug of tea in front of me, the soothing scent of chamomile wafting up.

"You went after one of the guys, didn't you?" Her voice was devoid of judgment, merely a calm observation. I nodded, bringing the cup to my lips and taking a tentative sip.

"So, you couldn't do it because he has a baby?" she asked, her tone gentle but probing.

"She was so cute," I mumbled, my gaze drifting into the shadows of the kitchen. "She cooed and giggled... her name is Lilly..." She gave me a confused look. "So you saw him with the baby and decided not to do it?"

I buried my face in my hands, the weight of the night pressing down on me. "He wasn't home... but his wife was. I even talked to her. I just wanted justice, but I don't have it in me, Nat."

She gently patted my shoulder. "And don't you think that's a good thing?" she asked softly.

I looked up at her, searching her face for understanding. "Did you ever read my old S.H.I.E.L.D. file?"

"I did, but some stuff was redacted," she replied, taking a thoughtful sip of her tea.

I sighed, the memory heavy in my chest. Staring into my mug, I spoke without lifting my eyes. "I was pregnant when I got the serum, but I didn't know at the time... because they didn't tell me."

"I keep asking myself what my life would have looked like if... if Bucky and I could have been a family. Nothing happened as it should have," I whispered, a tear slipping down my cheek. Natasha took my hand in hers, her touch warm and reassuring. "Tell me about him," she asked softly.

She only knew him as the Winter Soldier, the killer, but not the man he truly was.

I smiled to myself at the flood of memories. "He was the boy all the girls fawned over. He was Steve's and my best friend, but just like all the other girls, I had to fall for him..." Natasha smiled at that and squeezed my hand gently. "He was my first crush, my first kiss, my first... well, you know." I blushed at the memory. "Then he had to leave for the war, and we thought he died... Grief brought Steve and me together, and I feel so guilty all the time... It breaks my heart."

“Don’t get me wrong,” I said, my voice quivering, “I love Steve deeply, more than I can put into words. But there’s this little voice in the back of my mind that keeps telling me this isn’t how it was supposed to be.”

"I'm sorry," I murmured, wiping away the tears that had started to flow as the pain of the past resurfaced.

Natasha’s gaze softened as she gently caressed my hand. “It’s alright; we all have our wounds and demons,” she said with a reassuring tone. A shadow of melancholy crossed her face as she added, “I can’t have children.”

Her voice carried a weight of unspoken sorrow, and a sad smile touched her lips. "There’s this procedure in the Red Room... every Widow has to go through it. It’s just one less thing to worry about," she explained, her voice trembling with the pain of her revelation.

"Oh, I’m so sorry, Nat," I said, my eyes widening with regret. "And here I am, talking about babies..."

She shook her head with a small, weary smile. "It's alright," she said softly. "My life doesn’t exactly scream 'Mom of the Year' anyway." She tried to sound nonchalant, but the words were laced with a deep, hidden pain that betrayed her stoic exterior.

“Thank you,” I whispered, my voice barely above a breath. “For being my friend,” I added, my sad smile barely concealing the depth of my gratitude.

Natasha wrapped her arms around me in a warm, comforting embrace. “No need to thank me for that,” she murmured, her voice steady and reassuring.

Steve returned from Washington the next day, and his disappointment was palpable—there were no major updates about Bucky. I was sprawled on the couch with Natasha, engrossed in a movie, when I felt a familiar warmth envelop me. His strong arms wrapped around me from behind, and he planted a tender kiss on my cheek.

“You’re back!” I exclaimed, my grin spreading wide. It had only been a week, but his absence felt much longer. When I turned to face him, he sealed his welcome with a gentle kiss on my lips.

“So, any news?” Natasha inquired from the couch on my left, her tone casual but curious.

Steve pulled back and circled the couch, settling down next to me with a resigned sigh. “Sadly, no. It’s all just cold leads,” he said, shrugging as if to dismiss the frustration.

Bucky clearly didn’t want to be found, so I buried my face in a bowl of popcorn, crunching away as a precaution. I needed to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself, lest I let slip something I wasn’t ready to share.

Steve cast a sidelong glance at me, a mischievous grin playing on his lips. “You got something to say?”

I shook my head, my mouth too full of popcorn to form a coherent reply.

“Well, I’ll leave you two lovebirds alone so you can catch up on lost time,” Natasha said with a playful wink before getting up and exiting the room.

Once she was gone, I finally managed to swallow the last bit of popcorn. Steve leaned closer, his voice soft but earnest. “Hey, I missed you, you know. Sam’s a great guy, but—”

I cut him off with a teasing grin. “—a horrible kisser?”

Steve burst into laughter, his arms bracing the sides of my body as he gently pushed me back onto the couch. I grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled him down to me, eager to kiss him properly.

He pulled back slightly, scrunching up his face with a playful grimace. “Salty,” he remarked with a grin, his eyes sparkling with amusement. “I can’t have too much sodium,” Steve said with a playful smirk. “So kissing you might just be the death of me.”

Before I could respond, Tony’s head popped over the back of the couch, his expression a mix of amusement and mockery. “That looks like fun. Mind if I join?”

Steve and I sprang apart, our faces flushed with embarrassment. “Stark? Didn’t realize you were here,” Steve said, hastily straightening his shirt.

Tony chuckled, leaning in with a mischievous glint in his eye. “I would have come sooner if I’d known there’d be people fornicating on my couch.” I quickly tried to smooth my hair and brush the popcorn crumbs off my shirt, suddenly acutely aware of how disheveled I looked. “We weren’t fornicating,” I said, trying to sound nonchalant, though my cheeks were still flushed. “Anyway… was there something you needed to tell us?”

Steve’s impatience was clear as he shot a quick glance at Tony, clearly eager to shift the focus back to the mission. “New Hydra research base in Sokovia. Loki’s scepter is rumored to be there, along with a high-ranking Hydra scientist. We go in, take out as many bad guys as we can, and secure the scepter. Bingo bongo,” he explained briskly. “All hands on deck for this one, so get ready.” With that, he headed toward the door.

“I just got here!” Steve called after him, exasperation in his voice. From the hallway, Tony’s voice floated back with a chuckle, “Five minutes should be enough!”

Steve turned to me, eyebrows raised in silent question as he gestured toward our room. “Five minutes might be enough for you,” I said with a wry smile, glancing down at my disheveled state. “I need at least ten to look presentable again.”

Steve’s eyes sparkled with mischief. “You look absolutely delicious,” he said, scooping me up from the couch. With a grin, he hurried us toward our room, making the most of the precious time we had left.

Next Chapter

[berrypass-de-murdler]

2 - 54 Investigate the Institute!

Ah minimurdle

BLUE: [as Azure] You'll be damned for this, Logico! PINK: [cut back to reality] It's not Logico! BLUE: Huh? PINK: It's supposed to be us, remember?! BLUE: oh I forgot

(does that count as spoiling the daily murdlejr? does anyone actually care :'D)

DON'T READ THE EPISODES WITHOUT READING THE BOOKS!!

Irratino knows just what he needs - help! Unlike the bitter Logico, he is willing to accept help from friends. (And even ask for it!) So he heads to the Institute to meet with the crew he can surely always trust.

The only ones around at the time are Raven and Cobalt. They’ll do for now. Sir Rulean and Aureolin have also come to visit, to explore the occult within.

RAVEN: Hey hey. What’s up. IRRATINO: Hi! I need help finding Logico. RAVEN: You serious? You came all the way here for that? IRRATINO: It’s my establishment! And, he’s being held in a foreign prison!! RAVEN: Oh. AUREOLIN: Do you ever clean this place?

She kicks away a dead human.

IRRATINO: Oh… dammit!

Luckily, the human who died was not an important staff member. You know who else isn’t…

RULEAN: I’m learning about astrology. I love astrology! I want to go and look at the stars, who knows what they’ll tell me! [prancing] IRRATINO: It’s broad daylight! COBALT: DON’T go out there! The sun could KILL today. 

Raven proves that’s not true. She’s reading under a tree. What’s super suspicious is that she’s reading the most popular author in the world, Dame Obsidian! Irratino steals the book.

RAVEN: Bruh- IRRATINO: Sorry, I need to look for clues!

He glances through it. The plot is EXACTLY the same as the first Murdle!

IRRATINO: Come on, really? She’s making money off of our suffering!

So is Logico. 

Aureolin is contemplating deeply. She has many numerology papers in front of her.

AUREOLIN: …Irratino. IRRATINO: ? AUREOLIN: I don’t… suppose you’re still… [sigh] IRRATINO: What?  AUREOLIN: …I wanted to know if you were still taking job applications. IRRATINO: You want to work here at the Institute? AUREOLIN: …Never mind, it was a stupid suggestion- IRRATINO: THAT’S AMAZING! I’m always looking for new members to indoctrinate.

Auree immediately has second thoughts with that word choice. But the conversation is interrupted by another voicemail from Logico! Irratino is so desperate to hear the sound of his voice…

LOGICO: Hey, Irratino - I’m still stuck in this Free Drakonian jail. That’s… probably obvious, isn’t it. HAhahaha! Anyway. They took my phone… I have to use the prisoner one now. If you could give a call back, the number is +19 (443) 768-2909. Oh, and I was looking over some of the files about the Institute: the person who studied the marot was in the observatory. I think it’s incredible that I get to give you clues. I hope you’re getting them all right <3

Irratino is so sad. He wants him to be here. But he is persuaded to solve the murder. Supreme Master Cobalt! He jumps and flails around.

COBALT: You all think you know about the metaphysical underpinnings of society, but you don’t know anything!

That doesn’t explain his motives at all!

COBALT: Only people who join my Group can see the Truth.

Irratino can hear the capitalization in his voice, and he doesn’t trust it.

IRRATINO: 0_0 [slow head shake]

He is not getting anywhere near Logico. Or who kidnapped him. Or the mysterious blood sample. Is Irratino trapped in a loop of filler?

The end!

Why does it include the phone number :'D (it's redacted in the book so I just made shit up, but like... why???)

I love the silly useless details in Murdle. Karber is truly the best author of all time

The power of Goat Lord compels you!

See you next time murdlers!

[livvyofthelake]

breaking my silence on what i’m reading (for this book. not for the last ones) because i decided i need to complain properly i’m so over speaking in stupid redacted code. and. ok i’m not Complaining. ok i have a lovers soul. i’m just saying that sometimes a book series needs to end. they can’t all go on forever and ever and spawn multiple spin off series and books and bad fucking disney plus adaptations. yeah it’s the gay percy jackson book. i don’t careeee about percy jackson but i used to in 8th grade so i’m listening to this book 🙄 and. anyway can i complain. not a question i was obviously going to do that anyway. so as you should have guessed, i am NOT caught up on this franchise, nor do i wish to be. i read the first one of those trials of apollo books when it came out and i didn’t care for it and i had grown out of the franchise by then and i never kept up with it after that. and then i found out via the internet that jason died and i won’t ever forgive that man for that. and then i found out via the internet that jason was apparently a fandom hated character. which was insane to me because he’s literally never done anything wrong… he’s a nice young man what’s so wrong with that….. you hated him for his kind realness and glasses swag. fuck you for real. anyway. um clearly back when i cared about this franchise jason was a favorite of mine. and i won’t get into it but to this day one of my favorite fanfics i’ve ever read was this jason and piper au where he was a teen pop star (sounds ridiculous putting it like that but dude just trust me). now i read that at age 14 and never again so perhaps i’m not qualified to make a quality judgement but that’s not what i said, i didn’t say it was good i said it was my favorite… anyway all that to say. i was a jason girl!!!!! i do not want to read a book where he dies!!! you will never catch me catching up on that franchise!!! well except that i’ll read THIS book apparently. anyway my complaint is that this book has already referenced multiple events of books i have not read (which i’m powering through) and now we’re talking about jason being dead. and i got sad about it. ok i might actually need to read a wiki fandom website page summary of events or something. or i could just pick up the vibes. i’m smart i can pick up the vibes. what ever. idk why i didn’t want to say i started this book you were gonna find out eventually. actually in hindsight i think i even told you all i was planning to read it. and now you’re gonna get an extra special exclusive sentence for the besties who have read this far. this reads like jegulus fanfic lowkey. ok peace and love on planet earth !!!

[soft-serve-soymilk]

Boss fights in RPGs that give me war flashbacks

Dolphin made a really insightful and meaningful post on her side blog that was really telling and vulnerable of her :) I’m going to do the same thing but in a completely different fashion :P

Ansem, Seeker of Darkness (KH1) Back in the day (2019), I didn’t own the PS4. I played the entirety of the Kingdom Hearts series in the living room after school before my dad came home, right on the big screen. Or sometimes I got a couple of hours on the weekend. This gave me limited time and not very much privacy (but awesome sound which probably contributed to my audiophile tendencies 😅). Anyways this was problematic when I became stuck at certain sections,, namely this bitch. Because I do NOT want to be made fun of for struggling, or berated for the repetitive soundtrack. I woke up at ✨ 4 am ✨ to have time to myself to beat this motherfucker. 4 am. That was the lengths I was willing to go. Obviously it meant the sound was really quiet (if non-existent) but I still finished the game like 6:15 😅

Roxas (KH2) It took a solid nine attempts here. Yup. Nine tries. This is still the record number of attempts on a single boss fight. I was so flooded with dopamine that I had to go laugh it out in the kitchen so I could feel sad for the following cutscene 😂😂😂 This was when I was in my era of feeling bad that I couldn’t cry/empathise with a lot of media (thanks dad), so I tried to force myself to feel sad for a lot of things. I thought if I made enough of a :( face, I could trick myself into feeling things 😂 Anyways Roxas is an iconic example of my infamous awfulness at 1 vs 1 fights.

[Redacted] (Xenoblade Chronicles 1) Censored for spoilers but it’s the final boss. Another one I got up at 4 am for, to do it on a docked switch on the big screen <3 Didn’t take nearly as many attempts as Ansem, but I was still punished for being underleveled <3

Heldalf (Tales of Zestiria) Speaking of being punished for being underleveled, here’s a great example! :D First phase was simply impossible to survive with my tragically low skill level (and level in general, I start skipping fights a lot at the end of games because I get bored 😐 My intentions for YHNN are to make an endgame where this doesn’t happen) I didn’t fight a SINGLE ENEMY outside of those four minibosses in the final area :P Holy potions are mistake for people like me. Here’s a secret: I actually lowered the difficulty to beat him

Tiamat (Tales of Zestiria) War flashbacks but in a good way. I’m still impressed I was able to concentrate on whittling its health down FOR 40 MINUTES STRAIGHT. Thank god Rising Up is a great song or I would’ve died from insanity 😂😅. I think the only time I spent more than 40 minutes on a single round of a boss fight was when I attempted Kuni-no-sagiri in Persona 4 for the first time. That took an hour. Yes, in both cases, that is the degree of underleveled we are talking about. I have a serious problem with motivating myself to fight, games where you can modify exp yield without sacrificing difficulty are such a boon to me 😭

Shadow Okumura (Persona 5 Royal) You know your game design is fucked when making the difficulty MERCILESS makes the fight easier. I was actually called in to beat this one by my dad. I spent 2 hours grinding up his levels first to attempt this even 😭 And then I went to the velvet room to fix his atrocious persona situation (he BARELY fused and it showed). Relying on the DLC personas felt bad but I did what needed to be done 🫡 (I REALLY needed that maeigaon) I actually scrawled all the weaknesses of each phase on my hand to make it easier on each subsequent attempt 😭 Fuck the arbitrary time limit fr

[realasslesbian]

Wanted to take a minute to talk about another unpopular woman; Australia’s ‘worst female serial killer’, Kathleen Folbigg. Kathleen is currently halfway through her 40 year prison sentence for the ‘murder’ of her four children. There was no physical evidence that the children were murdered. The only ‘evidence’ was her private diary entries where she expressed frustration as a mother (and later grief for the unexplained deaths of her children, but those later parts were redacted from the sentencing court). In any case, in my opinion as a lawyer, there certainly wasn’t enough evidence to prove anything beyond reasonable doubt, which is the minimum legally required standard in an Australian criminal court.

Essentially what happened was that Kathleen had four children, each of who died inexplicably while they were infants, which was very sad, but also not unheard of, some couples just struggle to have kids. Where this went south for Kathleen was when her (now ex) husband took it upon himself to read her diaries and (perhaps out of the rage of a man whose woman is not producing healthy heirs for him) took those diaries straight to the police and proclaimed his wife had murdered their children. Now, the man had no actual evidence of this. He had a hand full of cherry-picked sentences in a couple of tomes worth of diary entries. But that didn’t matter, because he’s a man, so he didn’t need actual evidence to back up his murder accusations against a woman. 

The media were absolutely delighted to take up this story with lurid headlines about Australia’s Worst Female Serial Killer (especially since she had the whole backstory with being in the foster system most of her life, after her father murdered her mother when she was 18 months old). Before long the entire population of Australia was foaming at the mouth to punish this woman and she was indeed punished. She was convicted of murder in three of four counts, entirely on the basis of circumstancial evidence. No murder confessions. No murder weapon. No forensic reports positively confirming abuse and/or murder. Just some cherry-picked diary entries. That was considered enough to prove murder beyond reasonable doubt and sentence this woman to forty years in prison.

So Kathleen’s spent a couple decades in prison over this, all the while maintaining her innocence. She’s been through several appeals to prove her innocence, each time the judge basically just says ‘lol nah’ and sends her back to jail. We’ve come to the point where the bodies of her children have been exhumed so that they could undergo modern forensic examination and, whaddyaknow, turns out they all have genetic and/or medical conditions that would explain their deaths as infants. 

Unfortunately, I still have little hope for any justice for Kathleen, since the ever-increasing tome of medical evidence proving that she’s innocent has largely fallen on the deaf ears of (male) judges during each of her appeals. Apparently some half-wit doctor at the local morgue stating ‘I can’t find a cause of death so it’s probably murder’ is more convincing than years of medical, forensic and genetic testing on these four kids and the thousands of medical professionals calling for Kathleen Folbigg’s immediate release. At this point I’m not sure what amount of evidence it’s going to take for these men to admit that maybe there is some reasonable doubt to be had.

Anyway, just thought I’d have a lil rant about it, because this case has always pissed me off as a lawyer and as a feminist. Especially because it gets so little coverage in Australia. So yeah.

[crystalcow]

𝑆𝑎𝑝𝑛𝑎𝑝𝑠 𝐶ℎ𝑖𝑙𝑑//𝑆𝑎𝑝𝑛𝑎𝑝 𝑝𝑡 4

Masterlist // child reader ML //

Sapnap x reader !p !child reader

Pronouns used: none specified!

Warnings: swearing, mentions of death, casinos

➳➳➳➳➳┄┄※┄┄➳➳➳➳➳

𝐊𝐢𝐧𝗼𝐤𝗼 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐧𝗼𝐰??

Quackity was telling you all of his plans

He rambled on for hours of his ideas for casinos and how he was going to marry Karl and sapnap

It sounded great

He had his whole plan set up! He even had Sam helping him with the building

But then he left

Just like everyone else

But that was fine! You were just with sapnap

Before Karl came running over rambling on about needed to move his library

He had a library?

“[Redacted] you need to stay close, please”

You looked at him weirdly

Who the fuck was [redacted]

“Karl my names Y/n you idiot” “flame..” “sorry”

He didn’t even notice it and then you had to spend the next couple days hauling over 100 books

“Oo hey what are these! The covers look really weird”

You had found his time travel books

Woops

That man raced over and in the kindest way possible, snatched it from your hands

“Don’t touch those, they are my special books”

You just shrugged and let him be, he freaks you out enough

So you all traveled to this area in the spruce forest and built a really ugly mushroom hut

But hey it’s fine! Foolish thankfully came around later that day and made everything better

So you stuck around

Maybe you needed this, this new start

Oh but prime knows that wouldnt last long

Karl started forgetting

At first it was simple things as just forgetting where he was or little stumbles with names

But eventually he was going away longer and longer

He started calling you by these strange names, some that sound Victorian and western and others that are unlike you

One day he didn’t call you by your name at all

You were hanging around the Sakura trees and the big yin Yang pond waiting for sapnap to come back with George

Then you saw Karl exit the library, running up to him for a hug

It’s been two months since you’ve seen him

You fucking hated it but you couldn’t help but consider him another parental figure

He loved it

But he just stood there as you wrapped your arms around him

Expecting the usual “[reda]- Y/n, I’ve missed you so much my sweet flame!”

But there was nothing just a sad one sided hug

“Hello? I’m sorry but do I know you?”

You were ready to cry

“I’m sorry, I uh must’ve mistaken you for the wrong person” “No that’s fine! Hugs are nice?”

So you left and ran into the library

Scouring throughout all of the books until you found them

The same 8 books you shrugged away

You read through all of them along with Karl’s other journals

You didn’t like going through his stuff especially, a whole invasion of privacy

The more you read the worse it got

What were you gonna tell Sapnap?

Who the hell is James, and [redacted]?

And why couldn’t he stop

It’s no use anymore

You were simply just forgotten

𝐋𝗼𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐰𝐚𝐢𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐯𝐢𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐬

The closer you got to the large building, the sicker you got

Kinoko Kingdom was supposed to be your free pass

But somehow you always end up here

You called for Sam on the comms waiting for the beep

The inside looked great to say the least

“What are your past relationships with the prisoner?” “No answer.”

“Where are you currently resided?” “No answer”

“Do you believe the prisoner deserves his sentence?” “Maybe”

You put all your shit in the locker and followed him through all the safety checks

“I’m glad you didn’t bring anything with you”

You stood on the platform heart racing as the lava went down

It was like a ticking time bomb

The small squeaks and scratches of the hovering bridge

He just stared at you

That sick stupid mask was broken by tommy that day in the black stone room

So you had to look into his face

Lets just say he looks good in Orange

“Barrier up or down?” “Down”

He backed up into the corner as you stepped in

Smiling

Once the lava cascaded down your smile turned into a sick frown

“Hello” is that all he had to fucking say?

“Screw you. Fuck you. Damn you”

He just looked you a small chuckle escaping from his lips

“Those all mean the same thing.” “Well I’ve been living in cinnamon town for the past couple months, and I’m ready to fucking burn some buns”

Yeah he just laughed

“I’ve missed you Hot shot”

“You ruined our damn life!”

Someone went quiet

“If you didn’t have to have a petty little war, or criminalize children we could’ve been fine! It could’ve just been you, dad, me, and George.”

You were pissed, everyone just kept leaving you.

Tommy and Tubbo, Quackity, Karl, Dream, and hell even Wilbur

“You come and visit me, after not having seen me for months and you just yell? Not a hello or ‘how are you dream?’ ‘How’s prison dream’ ‘how can I help you get out of this damn place’ “

You just sat down ready to just walk out into the lava

“I’ve been stuck here for months! None of you even cared enough to visit me, hell even Tommy came around.”

You might have felt a little bad after leaving him

The prison was cold even tho lava was flowing right there

“Why would you leave the discs alone..” “Because I had to end it.”

What were you doing here

What were you planning on saying?

“So, what do you do in prison”

“I have a clock.”

You got up to go look at the pretty clock

Then threw it at his face

“Ow” “deal with it bitch”

The longer you stayed the worse the feeling in your stomach got

so you buzzed for Sam waving goodbye

“Wait.. Do they miss me?” “Can’t say, but I think this may be for the best.”

He wanted his best friends

But he just got the annoying teenager

Oh but that wouldn’t be the last

𝐋𝐚𝐬 𝐍𝐚𝐯𝐚𝐝𝐚𝐬

You got a letter in the mail one day

Who the hell uses letters??

You were shocked to see the address and the small post card

“Come around some time”-Quackity

Ans on the back it had the cords

Oh well what did you have to loose? Sapnap was focused on Karl

and well Karl didn’t even know you

So you set off

It took you a couple hours travel by horse to get to the desert area

The large sign blaring in the red text

You gotta admit the place looked beautiful

There was a giant dick and different shops

You were shocked to see this random un human like guy

“Hello, I am Charlie a totally human guy!”

Yeah totally not slime

“I’m uh, Y/n?” He reached out for a handshake sort of thing

“Dap me up!” “Another time Charlie”

Maybe when you had hand sanitizer

“Ohh so your Y/n! Mister Quackity talks about you all the time, come on in!”

You were skeptical but followed anyways

Stopping in your tracks when you saw Fundy

“Furry?” “Fire shit?”

You went over to give him a side hug, ruffling his fur

“What the hell are you doing here ginger boy!” “Oh you know, just escaping nightmares”

You were confused then just let him be

You walked to the entry way of the place

A beautiful pond with flowers and an arch

“Did what the place where Mr. Quackity was going to propose!”

Going to?

You shrugged it off following inside

You hated to admit it, but you were excited to see him

Yeah you really needed a parental figure in your life at the moment

So when you saw him, he immediately pick you up in a hug

You didn’t fail to notice his change in appearance

That beanie stayed the same tho

Thank god

“Hey hey! Let me show you around the place, we can also go for lunch and talk.”

The casino looked great to say the least

Loud music booming from the speakers, along with the live jazz band on the side

Slot machines were going off every minute

“Have a chip, something to remember this by”

He handed you a red poker chip

It was a cool one tho, in the middle has a blocky sort of smile

Creepy and dopey.. sick!

So you put it around a spare silver chain

“So how have you been kid? ‘Ts been a while hasn’t it.” “Could be better..”

You both walked around the city in silence, offering to go in the super model shop

“No” “why not” “keep walking”

On your way to lunch you had to squint at what you were seeing

“Oh my goodness you’re still alive?!” “You’re alive!?”

You and revivebur just stared at one another

“Yeah he came back after I died!” “you what now-“

You just stared at Tommy and back to Wilbur

Oh god those shrooms were messing with your head

You should’ve gotten out of there a while ago

Quackity came over placing his hands on your shoulders

“Do I have to execute you both? Get off my damn property”

“Sorry Q. Say, Y/n wanna join Lmanburg 2.0?”

You back away holding your hands up

“I denied that offer once, and I’ll do it again. Fucking zombie freaks”

You obviously muttered the last part

Why the fuck did dream revive those two shits??

When did Tommy even die??

Your visit here has just gotten weirder and weirder

𝐌𝗼𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐬

Quackity got you away from the brits as quick as he could

So he brought you over to his office

“So kid, how’s your dad..”

Ah you expected this question

“How the fuck am I supposed to know. He’s living his life, Karl’s time traveling! Oh yeah did I mention he doesn’t even remember me.”

He looked at you with wide eyes

“So I’m not the only one they forgot..”

You slammed you hands on the fable dramatizing the situation

“How would you feel about moving here? I mean you could work for me in the casino!”

You thought about it for a second

You have two options

1. Live in shroom town with bubbles

2. Move to las Nevada’s with Quackity

You were sure Sapnap wouldn’t mind

I mean would he even care?

He hasn’t for the past couple months!

“You feel abandoned there, over here there are hundreds of people. You’ll have the time of your life”

You thought about it for a sec

“Alright hand me a contract”

So you signed

Making deals with the devil huh

Little did you know it would cost you your life

Devils little soul

➳➳➳➳➳┄┄※┄┄➳➳➳➳➳

and this is the finale! I will take requests for sapnaps child, and I’ll do some shit with Quackity and the casino and go in more depth if wanted!

As always request and ask anything! And ask if you want to be on a taglist (child reader or general)

For those on the taglist I don’t know if you wanted to be tagged for all child reader shit or just dreams child.. so please tell me :)

@creatorofstars @georgenctfound @samistheidiot @smolbox-png @ghostlysenses @stellarinstigator @bobaducky

[sharkfish]

"WEAKNESS FOR WRITERS"

once i wrote that some days are like climbing the savage  mountain with bitter sharps for bones. i didn’t say that some  walks are long and some walks are longer. i didn’t say that  some nights are dark and some nights are darker. 

once someone wrote nights like these, they tear me  apart. and he wrote, i was never that good with the words  anyways. i always had a weakness for writers. it’s why i  memorize poems so i can count down the moments when  i’m afraid. it’s our favorite thing for other people to notice,  our smiles, i recite like an incantation to protect me against all the angry ghosts. it’s all either one of us have to offer. it’s  why i always smile as i step off the trail for someone to pass.  i’ve brought you an offering, i say without saying at all.  please accept me.

some walks transport me liminal. i have been on this path my whole life, back to the first burst of light into nothingness. i will always be on this path, up until the  final midnight. some days i stand tall, gravity overlooking  the weight on my shoulders, striding fast and strong. other  days i hunch and other days i cry. the birds just watch and  wait, even in the vivid hush of sunrise.

i just keep marching towards there and then turning to  trudge and back, where everything ends in a gravel parking  lot. there’s the grind of disappointment in my knees, in my  hips. the line seems trite now but once someone wrote and  miles to go before i sleep and when i was young and sad it was  a comfort that someone else knew what it was like to come  down the mountain. when frost could finally rest, did he dream  of the people who couldn’t see the bite in his blued fingertips?  were they tired of his excuses? did they blame him for not shrinking  the mountain so he could make it home a little faster, the way they  always seem to blame me? 

once someone wrote tell me what you know about dreams and he  wrote tell me what you know about the night terrors. once someone  wrote he has dreams where he dies, dreams where we all die. once  someone wrote i’ve just been too scared for too long. 

my mountain keeps rising. once someone wrote he was still on top  like he’s scared to drop and i was envious that he’d seen the height  of his peak while mine still reaches giant into the fog. i was envious  he wasn't ready for the fall when i’ve stood at the edge of cliffs  for years, trying to trade pennies for courage. i wish, i wish.

once i wrote that i’d be all right when my hands get warm, or maybe  that was someone else, it was so many miles ago. once i wrote i feel  stupid when i cry. once i wrote that i’ve been redacted, black bars  covering my name and my face. once i wrote help me. once i wrote  that i’d never forgive you for making me endure, and endure, and  endure, and i never have. 

no matter how many trekking poles you put in my hands, i’m still  thousands of feet into the ever-violent atmosphere, and there’s  no rest in sight. 

“nights like these” - lucero “convenience stores” - buddy wakefield “stopping by woods on a snowy evening” - robert frost “hit the switch” - bright eyes “pursuit of happiness” - kid cudi “14 lines from love letters or suicide notes” - doc luben “money in the grave” - drake

[autisticandroids]

do you know any fics about dean and meg fucking while thinking about cas? i think it will be hot and kinda sad.

i don’t and i’ve searched through like the entire dean/cas/meg tag on ao3 (there is NOTHING good it ALL sucks) BUT i can tell you that there is a secret good season nine that lives in my head (concocted in conjunction with @lesbiansamwinchester) where meg lives and they complete the trials at the end of season eight with meg as the demon they’re curing and sam dies BUT sam comes back as a ghost tied to the impala but doesn’t show himself to dean so dean doesn’t know, but he DOES show himself to kevin and kevin ends up stealing the impala and joyriding around the united states having a coming of age arc while sam just kinda. hangs out and tries to mentor him semi-successfully. BUT it does get them out of the bunker.

meanwhile in the bunker, dean is a depressed wreck because sam is dead and he can’t even sell his soul about it because hell is locked, meg is a wreck because she’s been a demon for thousands of years but now she’s a human so she has a “conscience” and she has to reckon with all her “atrocities” and also because meg has always been kind of a wreck she just puts it aside to follow orders or to survive but now there aren’t any orders and she’s not in any danger so she’s slowly going insane having to “face” her own “problems” and “trauma,” cas is a wreck because, well, he’s human now and also the angels fell and it’s his fault, but also like. he’s doing the best of any of them, because 1) he’s not being forced to interact with society he’s just hanging out in the bunker with his friends who are used to him and know how to interact with him and accept him, he is part of a community (even if it is only a community of three) and he belongs there, 2) Dean Is Being Nice To Him Right Now, always a prime factor in cas’ mental health, and 3) dean and meg both need him to take care of them emotionally and that’s something he can do, he’s good at being therapyfriend. (they also to an extent need him to care for them physically and he’s worse at that but he approaches it with gusto and he learns. this is normally a role dean takes on but he is too fucked up even for that during the early parts of this arc; one of the signs that he’s slowly healing is that he starts cooking for cas and meg). 

anyway one of the things that happens is that meg and cas are sleeping together, and it’s very much a no feelings, fuckbuddies thing (although they are both aware that meg is deeply in love with him and simply do not talk about it or admit they are aware of it out of deference to her pride. you know. normal shit) BUT dean’s ideas about sex are Diseased and he thinks meg and cas are Dating Seriously, With Intent To Marry And Everything, (because cas is innocent and pure and could NEVER just be having no strings attached sex, that’s for evil irredeemable man disease havers like dean) and he is just. so mad about it. That Demon Skank Is Manipulating Cas With Her Feminine Wiles, Just Like She Did To Sam (cut to meg crying in her room because cas will never love her back while cas obliviously tries to make everyone a nice breakfast because he loves his friends <3!) like dean is so mad. he’s sublimating his [REDACTED CAS RELATED FEELINGS] into protectiveness. 

now into this mix you throw in one (1) adrenaline and belligerent sexual tension filled post-hunt hookup between meg and dean. cas stayed home at the bunker on this one so dean and meg are alone which like never happens and they do some violence together and then they end up fucking afterwards because of the adrenaline rush and because the belligerent sexual tension they have is off the chain. this pushes dean into a complete meltdown because he’s like i fucked my best friend’s girl, the ultimate betrayal, how can i ever redeem myself oh god, oh woe is me, meanwhile when they get back to the bunker and dean goes and hides in his room, meg goes up to cas and is like by the way i fucked dean, wanna hear about it? and cas is like Yes Of Course Please Tell Me Every Detail I Am Very Intrigued and then they have deeply weird sex while cas updates his fantasies about what dean would be like as a lover. 

anyway normally i’m a “i enjoy megstiel because i love the tragedy of cas is in love with dean, but can’t have him, so he’ll use meg as a substitute / meg is in love with cas, but she can’t have him emotionally, so she’ll use fucking him as a substitute” person but actually i think they could work something out and be in a triad where everyone is emotionally satisfied. like i think meg being there might actually help cas get with dean, (”if you’re so concerned about protecting cas’ honor from my feminine wiles, you’ll just have to join us, dean-o” and then slowly lifting veils of plausible deniability until dean has to admit that he has feelings for cas), and once it’s less of an eternal pining situation with dean, cas might be able to genuinely give something back to meg, emotionally speaking. 

also if they’re both fucking cas, dean and meg’s dynamic is...... incredible. it’s a special little prickly but ride or die friendship that i’ve invented completely in my brain but i love. they’re the definition of vitriolic best buds. also they have sex but only when they’re housewifing around the bunker waiting for cas to get home like a nineteen fifties husband. (when i say housewifing i mean dean is obsessively cleaning the kitchen and making dinner and meg is sitting on the couch eating chips).

i know this isn’t quite the angst that you asked for but it’s what i have. in my brain.

[casualotptrash]

Sorry, but [REDACTED] Doesn’t Matter

Spoilers for Persona 3 after October and the ending, and for P4 and P5 “choice moments” or endings

I’m keeping this intro very vague just in case this pops up for someone who hasn’t gotten to this point in the game, or beaten it, but I will go into full spoilers mode under the cut. To give the most basic overview of what this is, it pertains to the loss of a party member in Persona 3.

Now with that over with, welcome to me complaining about a really big issue I have with the whole debate between saving Shinji or letting him die.

Whenever this debate comes up, the number one complaint against the option to let him live is that it “goes against the meaning of the game.” Personally, I find this claim to be untrue for two major reasons. One is that I don’t think it really goes against the meaning of the game in the first place, and also that the game does a very bad job at...making any difference between the two at all?

For my first point, I’ll clarify what I believe the meaning of the game to be. Obviously there are tones of death, and moving past death. However, I don’t believe the message is just “Everyone will die one day, and we need to accept that.” The message is “Everyone will die one day, so we need to make the most of our lives.” This is why Akihiko and Ken find their resolve, because Shinji is gone but they can still continue living their lives for him. This is why SEES continues to live their life to the fullest, because it is what the MC allowed for when they sacrificed themselves. I’m not sure how some people seemed to miss this, or maybe they just didn’t make the same connection, but it seems like it would be hard to miss.

The reason that saving Shinji’s life does not go against this message is because he will still one day die, probably still young because of the drugs, so he still has time to live his life to the fullest. Perhaps you could connect it in a certain way that he is also living for the MC, because they saved his life. The fact that he didn’t die does not take away from the weight that he was willing to die, and thought he would, by saving Ken. It could even go to show that even if you are ready to die, and you somehow get a second chance, that second chance should not be squandered.

That being said, I find the second reason to be a bigger issue for me personally. Before I played P3P, I knew it was possible to save Shinji. I played the Male route first where you cannot save him, so I experienced his death. While I liked the impact, I decided to see the other side of the coin and saved him in my FeMC playthrough. When I actually got to the point where this happened, I was legitimately shocked by how....meaningless it all was?

What I mean by meaningless is that outside of the different scene with Akihiko mourning over his hospital bed instead of the tribute, and the very end of the game where one person who is optional to talk to who says Shinji woke up from his coma (also the NG+ scene but that’s only if it’s NG+ and you romanced him), all of the dialogue is the absolute same. Don’t get me wrong, the two mourning scenes do have a different “feel” to them and are both executed well, but legitimately there are no difference outside of those 2/3 instances, and 2 of those 3 are completely miss-able. Everyone else acts like he is dead. I don’t know how Atlus messed up so bad with not changing any of the dialogue (which is not even voice acted most of the time), but I’m guessing that they just didn’t want to spend the time on it. Even after one quick search on google, I found another person who asked if they actually saved him because everyone was talking the same.

As I mentioned earlier, I knew it was possible to save him and I also knew it was kind of a divisive topic in the fandom, so after figuring out the real “impact” of saving him I was....so confused. I thought “All of that discourse, over nothing?” I at least suspected that maybe the group would visit him, or he would show up in the base game at the end (not NG+ scene), or at the very least Akihiko or Ken would talk about him as if he was still alive, but nah there’s nothing like that. Obviously the player knows he survived and can imagine maybe what the rest of his life will be, but the game does a shit job at actually making the choice mean anything. Both scenes with Akihiko talking to him are sad and impactful, and the dialogue with Ken’s resolution doesn’t change in the slightest. Honestly, like I said outside of those 2/3 possible scenes, I see absolutely nothing to gain in doing one over the other unless you want to see Akihiko cry in an auditorium or in a hospital room.

On top of all of this, there is also the sentiment that this person wrote, and I believe many others also agree with (in relation to FeMC and P3P. I took out the rest of the post because it wasn’t relevant to this topic at all).

Now, they didn’t elaborate much on this, but after what I just said about how the game doesn’t really make any changes at all and sorting out the “meaning of the game” I’d be really interested to see what their reasoning is. Otherwise, it’s hard to imagine how this “literally ruins Akihiko and Ken” when their dialogue, cutscenes, and growth are 99.9% the same. That part alone is a bit frustrating, but what really gets me is how they don’t like the FeMC at all (or p3p, which was said earlier in another comment by them) because she can do this optional choice?

Obviously, anyone can dislike choices that are optional in a game. That’s just how it goes if you have multiple ways of doing things. Some you’ll like, and some you wont. However, why is it that basically every time I see someone say they don’t like the FeMC it’s because of a choice in the game and not something about her actual character? I really can’t stress enough how insane it is (to me) that people cannot disconnect what you as the player can choose in a game from the actual character. Because, do you know....believe it or not...there are people who play the FeMC route and don’t save Shinji? Or don’t romance Ken? Baffling, I know!

Is the FeMC somehow a better character if Shinji still dies or Ken isn’t romanced? Not to these people, I suppose. Somehow she’s still just as disliked, because the option was there in the first place. I honestly don’t know why this happens, but it’s also complete hypocrisy on their parts. Do they not like Yu for being able to murder Namatame? Or how about Joker, who can enslave all of Tokyo (the world? I don’t know if it’s made clear) if he accepts Yaldy’s deal? It’s very likely they still love those two, or at least one of them.

“But Casual, those don’t matter because they’re not canon!”

Neither is saving Shinji or romancing Ken, so kiss my ass :)

.

.

Anyway.

Just to make this clear, this post isn’t meant to bash people who dislike saving Shinji (or perhaps the implications of doing so) or dislike FeMC, but to point out how the game really takes none of this into consideration and that it’s a bit ridiculous for people to dislike FeMC for reasons that they seemingly don’t take into consideration for the other protagonists.

It’s kind of hard to put into words, but I’m just utterly baffled on how much trouble this causes when it’s really worth nothing. I can understand how people who only experienced his death could be affected, but only in the sense that they either think it goes against the “everyone will die” message and/or comprehend Shinji’s impact even after the game/story is over (which is done by their own volition and the game does not hint to at all).

However, at least as far as the game is concerned, both choices result in essentially the same outcome. Sorry, but Shinji’s death doesn’t matter (to the game).

[magnificentstrangerchaos]

‘To Do’ List (Summer of 2022)

So, I found the ‘To Do’ list I made at the end of June/start of July. It was shoved /as I anticipated it would have been/ among my other sheets of paper haphazardly thrown into a folder. 

I’ll go through all of the points and talk about how things have been going, adding things I have done along the way to make it look like I actually did more than I planned for my own pleasure. 

1. Fix Laptop

At the start of December 2021 my laptop started getting really sad. Like, bluescreens and tells me there is no Windows installed kind of sad. I took it to a place my dad usually fixes his laptops and I got a new HDrive and a new battery because the old one said “Goodnight” one evening and stopped working. It’s pretty good, well... better than it was before, faster too.

I might have to take it to the same place again. I tried installing Genshin on it once and it BS-ed. I uninstalled it and commenced with my work but it seems that ALSO if it overheats it bluescreens again. It’s been manageable, I have a fan and everything. All data is backed up. 

(Side note I have this USB flash disk that is really messed up and all my art files/refs are there. I need to fix it and get them OUT or else I’m going to cry. I didn’t have time to back it up before the last drive died and this was the only storage unit that could suck up all 200K of my files.... Don’t ask, I’m a hentai writer and draw-er)

I don’t want to push for a new laptop of any kind because a dream for a ‘FUTURE’ experience is to have an actual PC. Doesn’t matter gaming-intended or not (probably not) that inevitably means I need to find a permanent place to stay since it’s a hassle to carry an entire PC around. Two-to-three more years this buddy needs to survive. 

Might get a new keyboard though, literally anything side-bought so far would be implemented into the new boyo anyways. And as I name all my PC periphery, I will call the new keyboard Antoine (current one being called Antonio). Guess A’s run in the family C:

2. Fix tooth

At the end of my exams I thought I found myself a cavity. Turns out my teeth are perfect (according to the dentist) and it’s one of those small cavities that is fixable with good toothpaste and mouth-wash. To be fair, the mouth-wash I got (rec by the doctor) freaking does a whale of a job but it also tastes like every medicine you will ever taste at the time time. I’m 1/3 way through the bottle and it’s SO COOL because it’s the type that comes with a pre-installed cup. You squeeze it, fill it up, sip, do your thing. I’d buy it again. 

3. Herbarium

...

I mean... I got a couple new flowers to add. 

Petals of a rose a friend of mine got me over a sleepover we had; A tiger-rose from our garden (side note, I need to go pick some of its leaves because I only managed to harvest the blossom); A damascene rose; Two types of orchids

I think I’m going to spend a while just going through the entire book sticking rice paper between the pages where the flowers would go, just to have it over with. I’ll concentrate on it over spring when everything blooms anew.

4. Go out at least once a week

...

...

This is a personal attack

5. Go paint the seaside

Will do, that’s probably what I’ll be doing for the three or four days I’m there other than reminiscing stories/fics. 

6. Paint the mountains

I took photos of places I’ve been, so that will happen in the future as well. 

7. Finish the ZhongChi fic (Ch. 3)

Listen here, you little [redacted].

Alright, okay. So, I TRIED. ‘Dragon Gazing At a Sea Of Clouds’ was a great story, I really enjoyed writing it when I was in my Childe rut days a little before getting him in Genshin. Chapter 2 - ‘The Fox That Stole The Dragon’s Heart’ was also a success that I don’t even know how I came up with. 

This entire thing was a gag, a meme I saw someone post on twitter about regarding Zhongli’s magic portable onahole (it’s a fleshlight) being connected to Childe’s backside while he’s in a meeting with the Tsaritsa. I got invested. And then pretty much slipped out of it. 

I WANT to finish it, I absolutely do. I have an outline of what will happen - their Chinese-themed wedding, their wedding night, both tied up to each other, ears, tails and horns all out in display. HORNY hours, you know?

So, I really need some stimuli to get going. I’ve been unable to play Genshin for a couple months and while I’m obsessed with KNOWING about the game (I have it on my phone), it’s been hard to get inspired. I’m doing my best, I want it to be good. It just feels like I’ve been repetitive in other fics or I somehow accidentally wrote what I intended for ZhongChi other places. 

Call it deja-vu of an unfortunate writer. 

8. Edit ‘Aster Tataricus’

That’s a future project honestly. I wrote it in December/Over Christmas and the responce was SO GOOD. The person who inspired me, Wiann on Twitter is a gem and they still follow me. I also adore watching their works in general, they have their own writing done as well and it’s *bites fist*

9. Write Ch. 2 of ‘When The Owls Cry’

I still can’t decide if I want to make it ‘Owls Cry’ or ‘Owl Cries’, both have a meaning for me.

Haven’t gotten to that part YET either, but I did go back to Chapter 1 and I redid it after the event to feature the whole eyepatch secret and sending letters.

10. Finish ‘Lullabye For My Feeble Heart’

I usually never outline works and just write them out in one breath when I figure I want to, but this one is indeed outlined. I have the entire plot ready, each chapter sorted. All I need is to execute it, but as you can see if you read everything so far - I want to finish those that are on the VERGE of completion and then latch onto longer works.

11. Finish ‘Wish Whispered Upon A Star’ 

Aye... I recently posted the chapter before the last, so we count that as progress. I’ll force myself to finish writing out my missing lectures this week, so I can spend Saturday and Sunday on that (27-28/08)

12. Take part in 2022 MXTX BDSM week

I DID, but the last story is missing, because I took a hiatus due to personal reasons. You can find the series here days 1 to 6 available.

(Can you feel how happy I am for the easy access to hyperlinks? I borderline was forced to code to figure out how to insert stuff in AO3.)

13. Make the FengQing threadfic

Mmm... I wrote like.... two additional pages for it in my google doc and then scroll past it as if it’s a scratch that I want to itch but I just hover it instead.

14. Draw the Izora mural digitally

Haaahahahahaha.

I have to if things with CSP are getting as serious as they look. I can’t decide if I want to push around with art or press on with fics. Maybe I will take until December to complete whatever I have WITHOUT (lies) adding any new ones, so I can then concentrate on drawing again. It’s a pre-drawn thing on paper, but I want it digitally, because colouring would be so much easier.

15. Make new sketches for CandleHeart and Nyrian Thantis

I’m rather proud of those honestly. I want more portraits so I can use them on the different accounts. 

16. Write at least one fic with mermaids

I accidentally forgot about this and when I read it I was like “!!!” 

It’s on twitter, but you can check out the teaser here, because while it is complete in the sense of a thread fic, there is more that will be included in the final version that’s going to AO3.

17. Work on the VN maybe?

Yeah, this was a ‘maybe’ since the Visual Novels I have planned will be absolutely pushed back for until this problem with CSP has come to an end so I can know which programs to use and which tools to pick out.

18. Play League of Legends with M

WE DID AND IT WAS SO FUN, I love her. She’s a sweetheart. That’s all you need to know.

19. Read MDZS

I’m at... Book 2 maybe page 130. Book 3 came out not even a week ago, so I’m waiting to see which website is going to offer me that sweet, sweet money-sucking service of delivering it to me. 

20. Things I HAVE done as a side-project include

-I got to stock up on clothes I’ve been ignoring my need for.

-I ordered amazing stuff off Aliexpress and while you may think ‘How amazing CAN it be’, I’ll do a little show of them when they arrive. I’m really excited, most of all for the pins I ordered, because I want to stick out like a sore thumb with them.

-I finally bought my brother his birthday present. He’s been waiting for it for SO long. After I finish with my work tomorrow I should zoom to the other tech-shops I know are around town so I can get two more things I need and then I can proudly go back home.

-I set a goal to hit 40 fics by the end of the year, currently we’re at 34, so finishing the stuff above will probably skyrocket me above that number.

-I finally got a new phone case, needed that because the other one was falling apart.

-Got two new wrist-watches because I’ve had an itch to wear one since Autumn last year.

-I’m getting a third piercing on my ear in October.

[hyrule-kingdom-updates]

Ok but I have been thinking about this “Astor takes Zelda when she’s young” AU all night like:

So Zelda’s mom dies and Astor gets his astrolabe from Asivus after he fucks with the guardians and [REDACTED] and Astor has his little Calamity agenda all within a shorter amount of time than the span of time in HKU. This is so that Zelda doesn’t have too much knowledge about her role as Hylia’s vessel yet so that when Astor takes her she’s like “dope” and doesn’t really know exactly how important she is. I mean as soon as your mom dies and your dad turns into a dick, the first magic dadstor to come into your radius going like “let’s go vibe somewhere else” I think anyone would accept that.

So the princess is whisked away and the kingdom goes into pure shit and chaos, and Rhoam is left no choice as to basic double, no, triple down on Sheikah tech and the divine beasts, all while sending out searches for the princess—which never come into fruition.

Meanwhile, Zelda grows up with the Yiga Clan as an assassin shes got a sickle and short hair because yeah!! Zavis is still a spy but instead of joining the Yiga Clan to be more useful to Zelda, he joined the Yiga Clan to find her and when he did, since his dad and Zelda are all basically on the same side he doesn’t have really any loyalty to the crown anymore

Now just in case, Astor pretty much lies to Zelda about her past as she grew up, just so that there isn’t a chance she gets dragged back into castle life or anything. “Oh yeah, you were just some little noble girl who’s dad was a dick, and I was friends with your mom before she died so I decided to take you in” and it lines you just enough with what few memories Zelda has of her childhood that she believes it. And ironically, with her loyalty to Astor and the Yiga Clan, she grows to despise royals and laughs at the stories of the missing princess like “ha, what a nerd. Hyrule really is doomed since she dipped from her destiny, what a loser.”

Does Siv team up with Astor earlier since he doesn’t have Zelda to give him hope that he can overcome the Calamity? Maybe. Idk.

So anyways, Zeldas going out doing Yiga things and she meets a knight with a pretty cool looking sword, and she’s like “Oooo imma steal that” and then she tries but she failed because this kid is REALLY skilled. He beats her, but doesn’t kill her when he realizes “You’re just a kid?” Then, they hear someone coming, like a captain or something, and he tosses her a few rupees like “get out of here and go home, the others won’t hesitate to kill a Yiga like you—girl or not”

Now Zelda goes home but she’s PISSED. Not only did she get her ass beat despite being the most badass Yiga she knows, the kid has the audacity to toss her RUPEES as if she was just some common poor thief. What an asshole! But also, she’s super ingrained by him because pretty much her whole life she’s believed the knights and those with the royals are a bunch of ruthless assholes who do nothing but blindly adhere to their commands and rules. So the fuck is with this kid??

She doesn’t tell anyone about this encounter (mostly because she doesn’t want to be yelled at, nor admitting the embarrassing detail of being beaten) but she does tell Zavis about it. And he’s like “pfft. He’s just a kid, btt it give him a few years and he’ll grow up like everyone other asshole out there, trust me”

Then later on, Zelda sneaks out looking for this kid again. And she does, and they kinda cross blades, but mostly she just complains to him about how annoying he is, and she tosses the rupees he gave him back like “I don’t need your pity money!” And they banter for a bit more and eventually she’s like “what’s your name, huh?” And the knight is like “....you don’t know who I am?”

“Oh let me guess, you’re one of the hundreds of people named Link, is that it?”

“Something like that.”

“Well Link, I’m Mallory, and I’m going to kill you now!”

Suddenly Link’s stomach grumbles and he sheathes his sword “Dinner break!”

“WHA—?? Keep fighting me you idiot!”

“Nah...I’m super hungry.”

“What?!?! What’s wrong with you??? I’ll kill you!”

“No you won’t.”

“I will!”

“You’re already breaking a sweat and I’ve been holding back this whole time. Plus, if you wanted to kill me why did you just give me back my rupees when I had my back turned instead of stabbing me? Either you like talking to me, or you suck at your job. Anyways, cucco nugget?”

So they’re kinda friends now.

So time passes and they’re still secret friends, and they like being friends because they “keep it real” as the kids say. Link never admits to her that he’s the hero, but vents about his knight life and his dad who never seems to be happy for him despite his accomplishments. And Zelda vents about her life in the Yiga Clan, and despite being the best, Astor never seems to want her involved in the more important missions and never tells her jackshit”

“Well I guess that’s good for me. Would hate to have the Yiga’s best asset being used.”

“Hey this is serious!! I need to help in the destruction of the royal family with the Calamity!”

“Do you really believe that? That we’re all already doomed?”

“Well yeah. I mean, even if the hero’s around, the princess is dead, so you all don’t stand a chance. But don’t worry, when the Calamity comes I’ll give you a heads up and you can go chill in Faron or something”

Then, things be picking up with Astor and the gang, and he’s finally found an opportunity to kill the hero. And Zelda remembers hearing from Link that he sometimes hangs out with the Champions and the hero for protection, and she’s like, “can I come?” because she wants to be useful, but also to make sure Link doesn’t die or anything. Yet per usual, Astor’s like “No. Just stay here.”

Now Zelda gets super pissed and him and they have a fight, mostly circulating around the fact that Zelda’s been nothing but loyal to the Yiga Clan and yet she nevers gets to actually feel useful and it also put on the sidelines whenever anything actually impactful happens. “Hell, even ZAVIS does more than I do! What’s your problem?! Can’t you have confidence in my for once??”

And Astor in Astor fashion ends the argument super harshly like, “You won’t be ready for anything, ever. You’re still incredibly naive and foolish, so if you want to help, then you can help everyone by staying here, and safe, and away from everyone. THAT is the only thing of use you can do, so do it.” And then they go off to kill the hero and Zelda runs off to her room al frusterated and shit. 

But you know, you often meet your destiny on the road you take to avoid it. And this Astor’s little plan to keep Zelda away from Calamity related business so that she can never discover her powers or who she is...is gonna backfire, splendidly.

So Zelda sneaks out anyway, with the idea in her head that if she kills the hero before Astor even gets there he’ll have no CHOICE but to recognize how competent and useful she is and he’ll eat his words!

But then she gets there, and she sees the Champions, and Link, and she goes to confront Link with sickle in hand like, “I don’t need you! Just tell me where the hero is, and I’ll spare the rest of you!” And the Champions are like “wtf” and Link is like, “Just leave. You don’t know what you’re doing.” 

“I know exactly what I’m doing! Just tell me where the hero is and no one else has to get hurt.”

And Daruk’s like. “Uhh...but he is the hero?” And everyone glares at Daruk, and Zelda goes into shock, like w h a t. Aw shit..so that fancy sword was the master sword...and he’s so good at fighting because he’s the bloody hERO FUCK, IT’S SO OBVIOUS NOW FUCK.

And I feel like as Zelda is contemplating her life choices in the moment. Revali would attack first because he’s like that. So he shoots her in the shoulder, or something, and she releases Link, and then something something her mask falls of and Urbosa recognizes her because of course she does. And Urbosa’s like “Zelda?!??!?” And Zelda’s like, “Who the fuck are you? Who’s Zelda? I’m Mallory.” 

And by that point, Astor is there and he’s like “wtf is going on here.” And he sees Zelda, and he’s like “Mallory get over here right now.” And she hesitates for a moment because she’s right between him and Link.

“Move aside, now. Quickly. We’ll discuss your insolence when we get back home.”

And she’s like “...No.”

“Excuse me?”

“T-There’s no need for this. The princess is dead, right? S-So what’s even the point?”

“We have to ensure victory for Lord Ganon. We’re just making sure there’s no chance of anything happening. There’s no need to defend them, they’re all doomed, they’re all the same. If the hero doesn’t die by my hand, he’ll die by the Calamity’s. So move.”

“You don’t know that!”

And Astor raises and eyebrow because this is basically the first time Zelda has questioned this, ever. “What did you say?”

“I...I said you don’t know everything! You could be wrong!”

And he gives a sad smile and shakes his head. “I know more than you know.”

“I’ll tell you when we’re done here, promise.” And then he does his little malice teleport thing and he’s about to kill Link with a big ol’ malice attack, and Zelda does that reaching out thing like “No!” 

And the BOOM. Her powers awaken, and EVERYONES like “oh shIT.” And Link’s the first one to be like, “You’re the princess???” And Astor’s like “hmmmmmmmm....fuck.” And Urbosa’s like, “Ok, I’m gonna stab Astor now.” and then she does! good for her. 

And then Zelda is freaking out like what the fuck just happened who huh where what huh and then theres conflict because she doesn’t want Link to die but also his team just sorta stabbed her father figure and then its chaos or something and uhhhhhhhhh yeah that’s all I got I have no idea how this would end. 

I feel Zelda wouldn’t go back to the Yiga Hideout after that, in fact I think she might run off with Siv because he’s like “hey, hey, hey. maybe gimme some of that light juice and get the calamity out of my head?” And of course Zavis would go whereever Zelda went (maybe?) She definitly wouldn’t go with the Champions yet, but they’re out looking for her. And also Astor would be looking for her with the Yiga Clan but mostly he’s like “fuck my life.” because literally everything he had been working towards and planning for over a decade has been ruined in like, an hour.

[wooshofficial]

tell me of splort beloved.

OOOOO YEA OK this is gonna be long so hold up

BLASEBALL: is a horror game. It isn’t labeled as a horror game but the deeper you go into it the more horror themes you see within it. So trigger warning for deleting yourself out of existence, self sacrifice, some pretty bad body horror if you look at it the right way, existentialism, and also a whole lotta death. A lot of people die for seemingly no reason, and it gets pretty sad pretty quick.

So blaseball is a simulated league of baseball that has 24 teams, two divisions and two sub leagues. A season lasts a week and the teams go up against eachother like the MLB would in a bracket. You can bet on the games and have a favorite team and get rewards for your favorite player (your idol) hitting or pitching the ball good. All good, right?

Well, when you look closer, you see the weather for the games are a bit…odd. They have names like “blooddrain” or “glitter” or “eclipse”, so on and so forth. There’s also the fact that there’s an election at the end of every season, that does your normal stuff, like add more suns to the immaterial plane. Oh and also there’s this weird redacted book that has the rules of Blaseball, and a weird redacted library that says cryptic things like “First Day, First Edition” and “An Eclipse”. So what’s going on?

The weird redacted book (known as The Forbidden Book) wasn’t always there. It was opened at the end of s1 via election, and proceeded to kill a player. This started a series of deaths over the course of the entire run time of blaseball. A lot of people died. There are over 50 people in the hall, and that’s not including the people who got released at the end of Day X s10, and the prehistory players that were dead before we even knew about them. I am not explaining either of those statements.

There’s no real goal of Blaseball. We as fans didn’t gain as much control over the game as we have right now until like, s12, and so we sometimes just have to sit and watch as players we adore die or get turned to solid gold or static into nothing. We cant change what happens in a game, and cannot change the base rules of the game, including incinerations, which are our fault. Once something is done, it cannot be undone.

What we can do, though, is change the conditions of which the game is played in. We are able to vote on decrees, blessings for our team, ballpark renovations, player boosts, trades and much more during the Earl Siesta and during the elections. This has allowed things like necromancy of dead players to happen (NOT A GOOD IDEA. NEVER A GOOD IDEA.) and also the rerolling of player modifications that can lead to their death into things more suited to the game (except Silvaire. It’s fucking Killvaire season bitches)

We can also buy (or fish) herring to help reveal history in the library. Giving 1000 fish to a redacted bit of text will reveal a bit of redacted lore that was not previously known. This is how we found out every pre-history 1 team, and how we found out what happened to Megan Ito, and how we found out about Parker 1 (much to the dismay of Parker 5). It’s a team effort, however, as you can only give fish to an event once, so we as the fans have to work together to slowly (but surely!) reveal the whole library.

Feel free to chose any team, and feel free to ask me about like. Specific characters. I won’t know much about all of them, but there’s a wiki for that. But Blaseball has my whole heart and the fandom is pretty cool and I’m excited to see where it’s going in season 23.

Anyways that’s a long winded vague explanation of what the fuck is happening in Blaseball that doesn’t even explain like a quarter of it have a good day

[animatedminds]

Pixar’s Soul: Review and Reaction

The first sentence I’ve always used to describe Pete Docter and Pixar’s Soul since watching it has nothing to do with the plot. It’s instead is a starstruck comment about the music: the movie begins with a cover of a Duke Ellington classic - Mercer Ellington’s “Things Ain’t What they Used to Be.” It ends with a jazz rendition of a classic from several decades later - but still quite a bit in our past - Curtis Mayfield’s soul classic “It’s Alright.” On a personal level, this would say way more about Soul that most other descriptions of it might to get me to watch it - were I not the kind of person who was absolutely intent on watching the movie day one regardless. Though I am myself a few generations after either of those artists were around, their music has been a part of my life since I was a kid and are essential on any playlist in my opinion. Curtis Mayfield’s music, especially, deserves all the love in the world, and hearing by surprise someone cover his work in a Disney movie made my entire day - and it would have, even if the film weren’t the meaningful ride it is.

But before we get into all that, lets also look at those songs. “Things Aren’t What They Used To Be” is played a la a teacher and a higher school band class: the students are learning and a bit difficult to listen to, while the music-loving teacher cringes at the front. But the choice of song tells us a lot. It’s a jazz standard: which means when it comes to jazz, it’s one of the essentials - a tune every band learns to play, and every jazz fan has heard before. The teacher is a jazzman - you can probably guess who - and the whole time he’s listening to the song you can hear him wanting to sit down and make it sound as perfectly as he hears it in his head. Remember that analogy. Heck, when you watch or rewatch the movie, remember the mindset Joe - because that’s who that teacher is, Joe Gardner, is in for that whole teaching scene in the first place: and remember how important the desire to make things perfect is to the greater story the movie is trying to tell.

“Things Aren’t The Way They Used To Be,” indeed. By the end, you have to wonder: isn’t that the point? Now the second song. “It’s All Right” is a smooth number for dancing to - not frenetic and wild dancing, but more a slow jam sort of vibe. BUt it’s the lyrics that are the most befitting the themes of the movie. Like several of Curtis Mayfield’s tunes “It’s All Right” is an ear worm of an R&B number that’s actually about being a peace with yourself. “You’ve got soul” - ha, I get it - “and everybody knows, that it’s all right.” Or, to quote instead my favorite verse of the song (I did say Mayfield was one of my favorites): “when you wake up early in the morning feeling sad like so many of us do, hum a little soul, make life your goal, and surely something’s gonna come to you.” This is before the spoilery part of the review, but they could not have picked a better song for the movie’s themes if they wrote it themselves.

Soul, after all, is ultimately a movie about how the things we do, the things we love, even the things that define us and should make us feel good in and of themselves, can become a shackle that prevents us from feeling the things that we adopt them to feel. Dreams - especially dreams deferred - can consume us rather than uplift us, and sometimes in pursuing them we may forget to live, and forget that others are living in this world and dreaming alongside us.

This, as you might be able to tell from the way I’ve described it, is a movie with a very strong, and most importantly very well related message that - as we’ve come to expect from Pixar’s output at this point - touches us in our jaded adult hearts. As a creative person with lofty dreams who has almost literally been where the protagonist is in this film - and as many in my generation also have gone through - it definitely feels like a film that was directed straight at the generation that first watched Toy Story as kids decades ago, and now feel somewhat unfulfilled as adults going into the world. Same as Inside Out (a movie specifically designed to make adults cry, in my opinion), the SparkShorts and arguably Onward (I definitely related to Bailey, some). So much like my review of Jingle Jangle, you have something of an idea where this review is going to go before the jump, but that’s okay. This movie did have ups and downs, but its just the kind of up Pixar is good at: they know they’re audience, and especially did for this gem. By the end, it can definitely make you feel as though you too can make it through, as long as you have a little Soul. However, it is not just the message, but the nuances and skill in which they relate that message (and they do come close to making decisions that could have ruined it, at times), which means it’s very difficult for me to put why this movie works into a review without SPOILERS. If you want to avoid SPOILERS, don’t hop over the pic and instead treat the above as your non-SPOILER review.

Soul is the story of one Joe Gardner, played by Jamie Foxx a brilliant early middle-aged pianist with lifelong dreams of becoming a jazz musician, who we first meet teaching part time band at a local high school. The inciting incident is an interesting choice: Joe gets a major offer - he can come on as a full time teacher, making his occupation a career! But Joe believes very much in the adage that “those who cannot do, teach” - in the sense that he wants to do. He cannot accept the position - over the advice of his mother - because that would mean giving up on his dream of being out there playing music for a living: a dream that has consumed him his entire life but which has given him nothing in return. Until now. While agonizing over the decision to take the position, Joe's life then gets a big twist: a former student of his, remembering him fondly years after they knew each other, has a hook for him to join the band of a famous jazz singer and saxophonist - played by Angela Basset (side note, here: jazz has long had a reputation for being something of a boys club, especially for certain instruments, and the choice to have the lead saxophonist and famous idol whose band Joe wants to join be a woman is a great choice that my entire jazz-loving and living family took note of). Joe is instantly elated - he rushes over and naturally aces the audition for the part in the band, and so is on cloud nine...

Until he dies. That’s when the plot really starts. Joe falls down a manhole like an astronomer in an aesop fable, and is now stuck on the slow escalator to The Great Beyond. Naturally, he’s not for that and tries to escape - pursued by overeager spiritual soul-accountant Terry - ending up in the Great Before instead, and leaving his body in a still-living coma (the implications that coma patients in general are people who are choosing not to die when they’re “supposed” to is something I’m sure the writers didn’t intend, so I’ll let it slide). There, Joe is pressganged into mentoring a pre-prepared soul for birth, helping them find their Spark for life - which Joe interprets as the one true purpose and dream they are meant to fulfill. Once he gets them their Spark, he will be able to steal a badge his mentee earns as fully fledged souls and . Luckily for his intended very morally suspect intent on spiritual larceny, he ends up with Soul #22 - and that’s #22 out of hundreds of billions - a soul who has simply never found a Spark despite having been in the Great Before for thousands of years. #22 doesn’t want to live, so she agrees to give him her patch when they’re done. But no mentor before has been able to inspire her (well, technically #22 is genderless, as she demonstrates in the story at Joe’s request, but she is voiced by Tina Fey), so how can Joe? When that proves to be too hard indeed, #22 instead decides to help Joe get back - mostly because she’s intrigued at why anyone would want to cling to life so badly - with the help of some mystics who astral project while in the Zone: where everyone goes when they’re fully immersed in what they do. This almost works, but at the last second everything goes awry: #22 gets mixed up with Joe when he returns, and so he doesn’t quite get back the way he wants to...

That’s enough plot summary for now. That’s all just the set-up anyway, for the choices in writing and concept that I’m about to talk about. As you might have been able to tell from that ominous last note, the middle chunk of Soul - almost right up until the climax, in fact - is actually a body-swap movie, a la Freaky Friday. #22 ends up in Joe’s body, so he has to get her to do the things he needs to get ready for his gig and get through the day while they wait for the mystic to bring a way to set everything right. And did I mention he’s in the body of a cat? Having been following the movie, this wasn’t entirely a surprise, but it was still not something I was entirely ready for coming in. I tend to shy away from that kind of story on a personal level, as body-swap narratives are nearly predominantly based on cringe moments and awkward misconceptions - and that sort of thing usually tends to make me want to leave the scene in question and get a cup of water until after the awkwardness passes. However, this isn’t really part of the review in the sense that I perceive that the movie being in that genre is a flaw - because ultimately that’s just an aspect of my personal taste. Rather, I use it to show just how strong a movie Soul was and how well its narrative choices resonated with its themes that ultimately while it did indeed partake in your typical body-swap narrative cringe moments - “look, the [redacted] in Joe’s body just ran into his boss / mom!” / “look, the [redacted] is having a bizarre conversation with Joe’s friends!” / etc - those moments actually add to the narrative rather than take you out of it. Joe as “friends,” as exemplified by the barber he goes to to get his hair ready for the gig when it inevitably gets ruined in a bout of hijinks (the barber being that extremely well-designed bearded character the internet went wild over). He goes to that barber all the time, talks with him constantly, and believes he knows him well. But it turns out that Joe’s so wrapped up in his wants and desires that he’s never even asked him about his life - he just assumed that the barber was like him, born to do that one thing he was good at. It takes #22′s innocent, slightly off-kilter and occasional philosophical questions about what the heck all this “life” stuff is about for Joe to learn that this person in his life didn’t even want to be where he ended up initially, he ended up there because that’s the way his life turned, but he loves it because it’s life and he appreciates the world he’s come to create around himself. Likewise, he runs into his mom, but while Joe has come to expect his mother to be dismissive of him and his dreams, it takes an accident with #22 for him to realize that he’s been so caught up in his desires and her in her preconceptions that neither of them have ever had a real talk about their relationship, nor given a chance to grow in each other’s eyes. You might notice a trend. One of Joe’s students - a brilliant trombonist - comes to tell him she’s quitting band, but she doesn’t really. She’s just insecure because the other students make fun of her. Joe knows this already - it’s become commonplace to him - so the doesn’t feel the need to do anything about it and instead focuses on his own needs. But #22 decides to talk to her on a whim, and this push and pull of insecurity but joy in what one is good at fascinates her, while it bores Joe. While - like any other New Yorker - public transit is a chore to Joe, the melting pot of people and music draws #22 in: best evidenced by the moment where Joe and #22 meet another great musician playing for tips in the subway. Joe, despite being capable of relating as a musician, just walks past him after appreciating the sound for a sec, while #22, entranced by the things people do, leaves something for him. The world is drab and lacking in vibrancy from Joe’s point of view, as evidenced by the very accurate grimy look of the high school he work at - but from #22′s seemingly jaded eyes seeing it for the first time, it’s full of wonder.

This actually creates an interesting character contrast on top of the one we already know: Joe is the idealist, and #22 is the cynic... right? Well, it turns out Joe doesn’t have much of an appreciation for the world around him - not intentionally, but still to a very strong degree - whereas #22 simply hasn’t had the chance to experience life yet and thus never knew what it was that made people want to be part of it. Life itself becomes her Spark, though neither of them realize it at the time. Lets just get the aesop out of the way now. Your dream is not your life: that’s what Soul wants to say. Things that compel you as a person may consume you, even embitter you, and prevent you from seeing the world around you for what it is. But that doesn’t make dreams a bad thing: people everywhere find that Spark from the dreams to keep moving forward - it’s just that it shouldn’t preclude living, nor should living preclude your dreams. Life is a delicate balance, and man is this movie serving up some complicated life lessons here. I immediately took this as a far more mature take on the message The Princess and the Frog stumbled somewhat through years ago (man, I’m turning out to be pretty hard on that movie in this blog). My biggest issue with PATF is that it tells us that Tiana should be less intent on her dream and find love instead, but doesn’t show us. It’s just characters chiding her for not settling down until the plot ultimately pushes a man in front of her and she realizes she should’ve been finding one all along. That’s a very harsh way of putting it, but it condenses what I’m trying to say: ultimately PATF pushes Tiana to realizations she doesn’t seem to need, whereas Soul has a similar message about life and does so by focusing on character development, about how the protagonist doesn’t have as firm a handle on his life as he thought, and thus brings us a take on the lesson that’s far less cut and dry.

If you’re a fan of The Incredibles, the comparison to Mr. Incredible is fairly easy. Joe, though well meaning and decent overall, is a very self-centered person who happens to be so for very sympathetic and relatable reasons. He just wants to do the thing he feels he was born to. He'll do anything to get back to life and do that thing, even for a single night. He’s consumed by this desire so much that he's oblivious to the people around him, unable to connect to the people he loves, and unable to find joy in anything but his dream. And man, as a young writer who knows in their heart of hearts they can do great things and feels pain at the idea of not doing so, that hits different let me tell you.

The lessons Joe learns from #22 even stick. It turns out that part of what caused Joe’s dream to fail all those time was because of that lack of connection with life. He never presented himself in a way that got people to take notice of him, he never pushed for that position he wanted even though people said no, he never made himself and his life so vibrant that he glowed in the eyes of others (and again, that hits different). That’s maybe the most simplistic message of the bunch, but as a person in the creative field it’s true that sometimes being the smartest person in the room isn’t enough: it’s making himself shine that ultimately clinches Joe the gig even after he almost lost it thanks to the day’s shenanigans.

But in the end, it doesn’t feel like he thought he would.

Remember when I said there are parts where the movie comes perilously close to kiboshing its message? That moment is one, it’s the one. Not that that moment is bad - far from it, it’s the best moment in the entire movie (and you can fight me on that if you want to). It’s because it’s the crossroads, the pin, the core of the entire film: depending on the choice they made after that point, that moment could have either been the best moment in the entire movie, or the moment that toppled everything.

The realization of Joe’s dream doesn’t feel like the explosion of confetti and catharsis that he expected. It was just another moment of his life, a great one, but it’s still just part of his life. So what does Joe do? Does he panic? Does he keep going until it feels good? Does he - as he would in a lesser movie trying to give a cookie cutter aesop - immediately quit and realize he should’ve been teaching all along? No, he does none of those things. He absorbs the moment. He realizes that at the end of the dream you’re still just living life, and that you have to appreciate that. Joe isn’t wrong for pursuit of his dream. He’s not wrong for believing that hopes and dreams make life so much more worthwhile. He’s wrong in thinking that those dreams are all that define us, and that their realization is all that makes people themselves worthwhile at all.

And in the end - though I may be getting a bit too referential for this - the unexamined life is just so much less fulfilling than the alternative.

And all that a message and a half! It hits different. It’s mature as all heck. It’s something people my age (especially in my generation), twice my age, half my age never learn. It’s a callsign that sometimes Pixar is still make movies for the people who were kids way back when Toy Story was released, and are now insecure adults wondering why the world isn’t as wonderful as they saw on the screen. It’s brilliant. I said before that Joe interprets the “Spark” to be one’s purpose in life. The one thing that makes them who they are, that they are on the planet to do. He is wrong, absolutely and utterly. And in that misconception, when #22 finally does get their Spark just from being on Earth and seeing what its life, he accuses them of leeching self-actualization over his own personal ambitions, fully believing that they didn’t find a “purpose" on her own, but just copied his. But the Spark, as it turns out, is just the joy of living, the thing that makes people want to live. It can come from a dream, or just from watching the beauty of the sun set over a leaf drifting in the wind. Only in understanding this can Joe finally understand what he’s been missing in life, only then can he reconcile with #22 and help her finally be born, only then can he walk into the world and know how he’s going to live it.

We never find out what Joe decides, whether he goes back to teaching, or continues with the band. The choice is open to him, but we never find out which one he takes - another choice that keeps the aesop from falling apart. The point of all of that wasn’t that Joe has to do one thing or another to be happy, it was that Joe needs to be happy and secure in himself before he chooses what his life should be. Either of those could make him happy. Neither of those could. But now he’s in a much better place to see it, and do what he can.

We also never find out what #22 is like when she (or he, etc) is born. The two of them never meet past the point where #22 goes to Earth. Their time together has passed, and #22′s life is now their own. And that’s a great choice either. I’ve seen the occasional person feel that the choice made in this paragraph or noted in the previous one made the story confusing, but they’re ultimately what make the story what it is. The answer isn’t the necessity of resolution, its the reaffirmation of the journey. It reminds me somewhat of Wreck-It Ralph (an example of the main Disney Studio delivering a complex aesop, rather Pixar delivering them all), where being a villain wasn’t Ralph’s problem - it was that he wasn’t happy doing the thing he loved. You have to live, from living you will learn, and from learning you will do. The sheer incredible execution of this message (as you may have guessed, it’s a fairly difficult one to relay adequately in a film narrative, and the movie goes non-traditional in conclusion to maintain it) would have made this film a recommend for me even if it wasn't also beautifully animated, very well acted, funny (there’s a Knicks joke that floored me), heartwarming and relatable. But it’s also all of those things, so I have to recommend it twice as much. It is, regrettably, another movie with a black lead where the lead spends most of it transfigured into a form that’s not a black person (a soul, and then a cat), and I’ve already seen some grumbling that instead for much of it a character explicitly coded as a white woman is in his body instead, but I perceive that as an issue that’s endemic to the industry than a fault in this movie specifically. Everyone does that, but this is the only movie I’ve seen where doing that is an essential part of how the narrative develops the characters (Joe has to not be himself in order to understand his life from an outside perspective, a la Scrooge as a ghost watching his own history), and so I don’t scorn the movie for it. I, however, would very much like Hollywood to start doing that less, and - hey - as a prospective writer that’s one of those things I plan to do my part to combat. This movie, however, gets a pass in my book in ways that the general usage of this concept does not. In short, you should see it. If you get the chance to see it right now, you should take it to feel good at the end of this incredibly insane year. If you don’t want to have to sign up for Disney+ to see it now, I get you and understand, but if you get a chance to see it later do not pass it up. It’s one of the few movies I’ve watched that are an instant buy when it becomes available on digital - and the last time a movie did that for me was BlacKKKlansman. Whatever you choose to do, do it well. Keep the spirit alive, always keep searching for the real you - because it’s not always easy to find, but it’s worth looking for - and always remember that you could always have a little soul.

[catsnuggler]

1-5?

I'm answering my own questions in response to this post.

Answers under the "read more" because this got long.

1. Do you identify as an apostate, exvangelical, ex-(denomination), heretic, or something else? I identify as ex-mormon (straight to the point), apostate (because that's what I am), and heretic because it sounds a lot more charged than apostate, in my opinion, even though technically a heretic is someone who is of a particular persuasion but refuses to accept the established religious dogma of that persuasion. In technical terms, I'm an apostate, but my dad, who is still Mormon but differs from the church radically in religious and political beliefs, is the heretic, not me. But, again, I just like the word. It brings to my mind an angry Crusader about to attack me, charging me with heresy and exclaiming that I'll be punished for my sins and treachery against the One True Faith - and to think of myself as an enemy of Crusaders is badass. Even though I'm really just some weak guy who sits around criticizing things.

2. How would you describe your current beliefs? Deconversion was as much a political as a religious process for me. I had to turn away from the liberal democracy at best, conservatism at most common, theocracy at worst political outlook of Mormonism, toward anarchist communism, which resonates best with my political desire for global liberation from both sociopolitical and economic tyranny. Additionally, the church is founded on colonialism, and warming up to decolonization is also part of my deconversion.

But this question is more specifically about religious beliefs, so, onto those: while most exmos are atheists, I'm a hard polytheist. I worship the Norse gods right now. I don't do so regularly, nor do I think they're the only ones deserving of worship; the idea that this or that god is unworthy of worship just because they're outside of ones tradition is an idea I've also had to reject. No, it's just that the Norse/Germanic gods are the ones I felt most pulled to. Generally, us Norse (neo)pagans/polytheists/"Heathens" also practice land worship and ancestor veneration, but given the settler-colonial context I'm part of, I'm still dealing with psychological as well as overarching political barriers with regard to such practices. The Norse god I feel most attracted to is Odin, although I do have to resist the "he's basically God" view that's been drilled into my head and is reinforced constantly by culturally Christian ex-Christian Heathens, particularly those of what we call "brosatru" and "(br)odinist" persuasions.

I've also had to unlearn a lot of antisemitism and islamophobia either directly taught as part of Mormonism, or otherwise commonly accepted in Mormon culture.

3. Have you gotten emotional support from friends in deconverting/deconstructing? Would you like more support? Have you found any online? Yes, yes, most definitely. The most support I got from @sleepyowlet. I can thank her for opening my mind up to anarchism, communism, and heathenry, while remaining respectful and understanding. I already had questions, she simply encouraged me and provided an alternative perspective, one which I ultimately found refreshing and made the most sense to me.

I haven't known too terribly many ex-mormons in person, though, and that would be rather refreshing and healing; bonus points if we've come to about the same politico-religious conclusions, yet still bear unique viewpoints to open the others' minds. That's more support I wish I had.

The /r/exmormon subreddit is somewhat helpful, and I'm also looking in the #exmo/#exmormon/#apostake etc tags on tumblr to find others to talk about this with.

4. Was any person, book, or something else instrumental in your deconversion? I don't like the guy, but... oh, hell, what was his name? The atheist with the talkshow, he's also an islamophobic asshole. Bill Maher, I think his name is? I saw a documentary by him that left me depressed and atheist for about a week, maybe two weeks? Which increased the questions I had. I was also already friends with a lot of atheists, growing up, so I was constantly exposed to non-mormon, non-Christian viewpoints. I mentioned Owly, of course. I haven't read many books. And, oddly enough, one of the most instrumental individuals to my deconversion is my Mormon dad. He is an odd duck, as previously mentioned, in the Mormon faith. He's very sad, because as I grew up, he taught my siblings and I all the bad things he knew about the church, but he did so to inoculate us so we wouldn't learn anyway down the road, with no previous idea of, say, how the Mountain Meadows Massacre really happened, and spiral into a faith crisis. He wanted to be living evidence that, though the other Mormons keep themselves blind and thoughtless, thinking that doing so is faith and righteousness, that one could be Mormon and still have a heart and mind. Unfortunately for him, and fortunately for myself, my older sister, and my younger sibling (not my older brother, though, as he is still a firm believer), his revelations to us led in large part to us leaving the church.

5. Who have you told about your deconversion/change in beliefs? I'm guessing this post is about people I know in meatspace, particularly close friends, folks still in the cult, and/or family members. My old bishop knows, one of the guys in the stake presidency who knew me back when we used to be in the same ward together knew because he was the one who fucking blabbed about me requesting my records be removed from the church to my dad, fuck you "Brother" [REDACTED]. Though I didn't tell him, technically, it just ended up in his lap after I got the lawyer to send the request, and breaching my request for fucking privacy, he told my dad. Asshole! Anyway. Anyway. Any fucking way. I've told my grandparents on my mom's side - well, bio-grandpa and step-grandma. Bio-maternal-grandma died years ago, one year after my mom died. I haven't told my dad's side yet, strangely, even though they live much further away and so I'm thus in far less physical contact with the convert side of my family than I am the pioneer side, who are just to the East/Southeast in Idaho, Utah, and a few in Arizona. I'm not sure how many I told I'm pagan, because I forgot, but they at least know that I'm not Mormon. I know I told my grandparents I'm pagan, though.

[goattypegirl]

Harrow the Ninth Live Read: Chapter 1-2

Poor Harrow :(

Chapter 1:

Ok back to second person! And we’re nine months pre-murder.

Is the sword actually burning or is this psychosomatic? She doesn't flinch when she pierces her hand to make the bone glove so maybe?

The muscle memory from Gideon seems to be gone. Maybe Harrow's traumatized? Understandably so tbh. And she's lowkey suicidal. Mood. Ok yeah this feels more like shock than anything supernatural. The events of Canaan House, becoming a Lyctor, being on a spaceship hospital, and unable to properly paint a skull mask... Poor Harrow.

Ok yeah being a Lyctor sounds fucking terrifying. Being aware at all times of everything around you... what a sensory nightmare.

Damn okay, Harrows being visited by the Body. Now I'm wondering if it is just a hallucination or if its something more. A part of Harrow seems to think its the latter...

"Red, and wet, and ill defined." Oh god Harrow what did you do.

Chapter 2

Knocking and waiting for permission before entering being a true sign of Divinity is sad and hilarious.

Harrow has a point. Why would necromancer demigods need swords? On the other hand, swords fuck, so.

I do wonder what life is like for the average person on Erebos. I was half thinking it was literally just the emperor and the lyctors in the First House.

Oh my god God is ghosting one of the Lyctors. "Make static noises". Slacker God is a rare character archetype but it's always so fucking funny.

And Harrow can raise eighteen thousand dead? Or is he talking about himself? Hmm...

Well thats a pretty smart way of carrying a greatsword when actually touching it makes you violently ill.

So it is trauma? I guess that explains everything being in second person; it adds a layer of depersonalization to the narration.

Wow ok being a Lyctor really sucks. Being intensely aware at all times of all the bodies on the ship...

The emperors speaking metaphorically, right? Or could we be reading a story about chronurgists now?

Yooo cryosleep! Part of me is wondering if these weren’t actually people alive 10,000 years ago who were resurrected, but frozen zygotes that have been artificially aged into people? IDK. 

Oh no. These special caskets are for the cavaliers and heirs that died in Canaan House, aren’t they? Yep, yes they are. Ok. Wait, the black casket with the rose, that has Cyntherea’s body, but it’s decorated like a Ninth house? Or has Harrow already switched to thinking of herself as First House, and black is the color for both the First and Ninth Houses? 

“You wanted to be relieved, but no longer recalled how that worked, glandularly speaking.” I really don’t think there’s something supernatural going on here, but. I once read someone’s worldbuilding notes on how liches worked in their D&D game, and it boiled down to liches are immortal, but all bodily functions have to be manually done. Swallowing, breathing, heart beating, cell division all had to be done manually. Their mind expanded to allow for that, but eventually all liches slip up and their body starts to fall apart. Anyway. That’s not what’s happening here, but I was reminded of it.

I want to see fanart of the Emperor, or at least his eyes, because I just cannot picture it. All I can picture is just oily black/rainbow eyes. I had this same problem reading the Lightbringer series. I do not know how eyeball anatomy works.

Bro what do you mean the cost is too great. Crackpot theory: there’s some kind of like thanergy pressure difference? And if the Emperor actually steps foot on one of the planets, the Resurrection is undone and everyone suddenly dies.

Of course he doesn’t know how to hug. Gods Who Are Fully Aware They Are Bastards is another rare, favorite trope of mine.

Okay this is a lot of science words but I’m following so far. Okay, so only humans have souls... Okay, I remember reading this in the guide at the end of Gideon the Ninth. It is really weird that planets in the Dominicus system have both death energy and life energy, for reasons I couldn’t quite put my finger on. But, planets have souls, apparently! Cool!

Being pissed that another major that you always thought was stupid would have covered this a lot earlier than you is kinda relatable lmao.

Okay, I can see where this is going, but there’s a wider scale story we’re only getting pieces of here. Necromancy and thanergy are like viruses that slowly kill a planet, literally. And the entire population has to be relocated, presumably to a new infected planet. Late stage necromancy capitalism.

Also, the Body moving Harrow’s arms for her is strikingly similar to her hallucination of Gideon at the end of the last book... 

OKAY COOL. PLANET SIZED GHOSTS. RESSURECTION BEASTS. UNDERSTOOD. 

GOD IS CRYING.

THEY EAT PLANETS.

LYCTORS HAVE DIED DISTRACTING THEM.

FUCK.

Okay. 3 are left. There were 9. 5 were defeated? And those were... Two, Eight, and Six. I’m with Harrow. The math does not check out.

Oh, okay, they automatically home in on the Emperor and Lyctors no matter where they are. Cool. Understood. 

(Which indelible sin lmao).

Uhhhh what the fuck? So the Body has Gideon’s eyes now. That’s not good. Okay she’s talking to it now and it’s responding. “I am half a Lyctor?” “Ortus did not die for nothing?” Excuse me?

Ooooh. Okay. I think I know what’s going on. Harrow is trying to completely erase Gideon from her mind. That’s why the Emperor’s mouth ‘looked strange’ when he said Ortus. That’s why she doesn’t have the muscle memory she should have gotten from Gideon.

Poor Harrow.

EDIT: Oh my god I'm an idiot. This totally recontextualizes the Parados chapter. It might just be Harrows perspective of that chapter in the library with Gideon, but with Gideon forcibly redacted and replaced with Ortus... that would explain why the Body said it didn't happen this way.... I've connected the two dots....

EDIT THE SECOND: thinking more about the Resurrection Beasts. The Emperor said there have been other, smaller ones besides the original 9. Perhaps created during the Cohorts campaign when they converted a planet to thanergy too fast? Second, the prologue showed Harrow and other necromancers astral projecting into the River to fight one. So, maybe over the course of the book a way to kill the Resurrection Beasts is discovered? That or they're distracting it? Third, the Emperor apparently also did the Lyctor ritual, or something close to it, to attract the Resurrection Beasts. Fourth, I was kinda right! It was a side effect of the Resurrection that prevents the Emperor from returning to the Dominicus system, and it would call all the inhabitants to die. It just wouldn't be suddenly. Hopefully.