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elaineonline · 3 years ago

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Eminence | Ryōmen Sukuna

CHAPTER ONE

warnings this chapter: strong language, degrading, SLIGHTLY DARK, Sukuna’s true form, how do i explain this?… crazy monster oral sex(?) (m.receiving)

summary: As a succubus, it’s your job to appear to him. “Rewarding” him for his service as the ‘King Of Curses’, Sukuna eventually makes you the Queen of Curses as a return.

NOTE: hopinggg hoping and hoping you all like this 。.:☆*:･'(*⌒―⌒*))) (btw i’m currently rusty when writing smut scenes, hope you enjoy anyway :D)

reblogs are fine with me :D

“Are you prepared?”

You were currently seated on the gray hard floor of your parents domain, which included you, your siblings, and of course.. your parents.

Your twelve siblings and parents were all seated in a circle around you, and you sat in the center of the circle, the image like a cult.

Despite the fact that is a part of it.

You grew up in a world populated by part succubus and incubus humans. An Succubus is a demon who enters men's dreams and engages in sexual activity in order to achieve power in this world. Women's succubus is the same as Men's Incubus, besides the man has sexual relations with a Women.

Of course, you didn't begin working as one as soon as you emerged from the womb; you began when you were old enough. Despite the fact that you seen people exposed to a wide range of experiences as they got older, along with your siblings.

Thank goodness you were born to the proper parents who knew how to wait for the perfect moment.

Anyway, you were the youngest of twelve siblings, with six boys and six girls, and you were the chosen one. and hopefully the last because you can't stand being around any more; twelve is plenty.

The chosen one, for Ryōmen Sukuna.

| years ago |

One crimson and one brown eye looked down at you as your mother held you in both arms. Her particular sight was known as the crimson eye, and it allowed her to easily discern how powerful or powerless one of her children was. She had a unique talent that she adored.

As she held you in her kimono, the one with the large sleeves that felt like blankets for your 2 month old body, you felt nothing but warmth and comfort.

Your gigantic father stood behind your equally tall mother, extending his long slender finger towards your tiny hands to grip it, which you did almost instantly while attempting to put it in your mouth, mistaking it for a strangely formed binky.

"Did you get a sense of it yet?" When your father spoke, he was alluding to your power, and how powerful you might have been.

Not looking at him, your mother hummed in response to what he asked, distracted by the fact that you were so valuable.

"Of course, how powerful she is, or do we have to produce another?" he inquired, his voice tense.

Of course, your father loved you and all of your siblings; he was just tired of the effort of caring for another child; he was exhausted after the fourth. Raising children is a lot of effort, so dad was hoping you'd be the last one, being the thirteenth.

“yes.” your mother begins, her gaze still attached to you.

"I could sense that she is the most powerful among her siblings," she pauses for a few seconds, letting the words sink in. "When she gets older, I'll be able to know exactly what that power is." She added that she was now getting butterflies in her stomach over the prospect of discovering the rest of you, just as she had been with the rest of your siblings.

Both of your parents couldn’t help but to smile, “For Ryōmen, she’ll be perfect.” They both thought.

however, she was referring to the future, when you are an adult.

Many parents over the world have attempted and failed to turn their children into the 'Queen' or 'King of Curses,' while having no idea what sexuality Ryōmen possesses. But it never quite worked out.

Why?

They desired the honor and respect that came with being King or Queen, as well as the other benefits that came with it.

Your parents appeared after the Incubus and Succubus communities had given up hope and given up trying. They were so sure they'd have the right child.

Which they were eventually correct about.

So, let's fast forward, are you prepared?

You've been told your whole life that you're the 'chosen one,' and now the time has finally arrived.

At least, that's what you believe.

There may be a slim chance Ryōmen Sukuna will agree to you being his Queen to his King.

Maybe Sukuna merely thought of Succubus and Incubus individuals as pests who didn't know how to say no.

So, how prepared are you?

You believe you are prepared enough, despite the fact that you, like your female siblings, have no prior experience with being a Succubus towards Sukuna.

Because not everyone in this world is an Incubus or Succubus creature seeking to appease Sukuna and ascend to the position of Queen or King. Because you're all of that breed, you're naturally drawn to becoming more strong. Regular people are the easiest to obtain power from. You guys are required to go to the human world and consume their sperm to get more strength, sometimes while they're sleeping, sometimes when they're not.

However, you are a 'virgin succubus,' as they term you in this dimension.

Because you are a new adult and your siblings have been adults for a long time, they have more experience than you.

“Think of this as rewarding him for his services.” Your sister, Mirai, says to you, "You're a powerful woman, don't be frightened." She's always been one of your most biggest supporters.

You were still surrounded by your brothers, sisters and parents, as they they all agreed. Despite the fact that around four of your siblings were worried about you deep down.

You noticed this, reading people is your speciality. Some stared at you with joy, knowing they were going to have a little sister who would become Queen, while others gazed at you worriedly, certain that he would hurt you and eventually kick you out like everyone else.

"It's now time for you to leave." Your father spoke with a proud expression on his face as he glanced down at you.

When he says those words, your anxiety soar, and you remain silent as they all offer you words of support as they send you out.

You close your eyes and tell yourself in your mind again and over that you are in Ryōmen Sukuna's Domain, which only the most powerful people may enter.

You started shifting into his domain as you were already experiencing sensations like shaking, numbness, and perspiration.

Everyone watched as your body began to fade; they would miss you even if you were only gone for a few minutes. As they watch their little sister/youngest daughter grow up and leave to become an adult, tears well up in their eyes. If you were gone for hours, they’ll know you succeeded and would celebrate. If you failed you would quickly come back, but they’d still celebrate for you even being powerful enough to in his domain anyway.

It amazes them how quickly time passes.

You've made it.

And it was surreal, in your automatically opened eyes, that you had ended yourself in the same dimension that everyone in the bus's world had been talking about for your whole existence.

You took a glance around the domain with your eyes and noticed how ethereal everything appeared to be.

There wasn't a wealth of details, but it was enough to make you fall in love with the site.

The black sky was coated in red fog, and the floor you were standing on was full of gorgeous, clear, blue water that only reached your toes.

"Wow," you say quietly to yourself as you peer down at the water that is partially covering your feet.

You were so hypnotized by what you saw around you that you almost forgot why you were there, which was a problem.

Looking down at your feet, you noticed another pair of feet, this time with shoes.

Your eyes widened, and as you raise your head, you're greeted with a hand snatching you by the neck in a semi-tight grip. As you came face to face with the himself King, your feet slowly began to lift off the ground filled with water.

Ryōmen Sukuna.

“What is this?”

his tone of voice It's heavy and daunting, and it rocked you to your core. Something else that shocked you to your core is that you didn't expect to be greeted in this manner, yet it didn't surprise you.

You kept your hands to the sides of your body, avoiding contact with him, which was a wise decision. to figuring out if he'd kill you or not.

He observed you were straining to breathe and gasping for air, and instead of sending you back to where you came from, he dropped you back onto the water-filled ground because he desired answers first.

For a few seconds, you sat on your bottom which you have now felt water on, eyes closed, neck held by your hand, drawing in all the air you needed back into your lungs.

You raise your eyes to him, taking in all of his features; he stood tall and looked precisely like the monster you had learned about.

On his head, he has four arms and four eyes, smaller shaped eyes that were below his normal shaped ones. With tattoos/lines on his forehead, nose, cheeks, upper body, and abdomen, he also has spiked hair that is pink, and slightly pushed forward.

You couldn't just tell him you're a succubus who wants his semen to increase your power, not that you'd have the courage to do so anyway.

So you realized you had to find something to explain quickly before he became infuriated and sends you back.

He glanced down at you with a scowl on his face, as if he was waiting for an answer. You raise your eyes to him, a little air of astonishment on your face.

You pondered why you hadn't come up with an excuse before leaving, perhaps because you were so intent on getting here in the first place.

Sukuna, on the other hand, could sense your power and was currently blinded by it; you had to be the most powerful woman who had ever been through his territory. Nonetheless, it piqued his interest. He was still curious as to why you would enter his domain.

"What is your human power?" "Are you a human?" He asked, his glance remaining fixated on yours.

When asked about the second question, you shook your head no, indicating that you are only half human, with the other half being half demon.

He didn't appreciate the fact that instead of speaking to the King of all people, you just shook your head at him.

"I need words, brat," he declares aggressively.

you say, clearing your throat, "No, King Sukuna, I am half demon," Your voice was as smooth as honey, and you made a point of neither stuttering or slurring while speaking to him; after all, he is the king.

he raised an eyebrow, "For only being half, you're quite powerful; what is your cursed energy?"

cursed energy?

You didn't recognize those words but didn't want to ask him since you tried to please him by appearing intelligent.

"Sir, may I stand?" You inquire politely, not wanting to appear foolish by explaining things while seated in water.

He rolls his eyes before reaching out with one of his arms and offering you one of his hands, which was an unusual but thoughtful gesture for him.

You didn't hesitate to take it, softly slipping your hands into his large ones.

He yanked you up hard enough that you stood, but almost fell forward, you stopped yourself from doing so with your own feet.

You continue to look up at the massive four-armed, yet attractive creature as he pulls his hand from yours.

"My power is called mind-vision," you explain to him, "and whatever enemy I run into, I have the capacity to take over their mind and do all kinds of things with it." "Read it, control it, and yet the most important thing is to put them in a dream-like state."

you tilt your head before asking, "May I elaborate?"

He already nods with interest, and you nod as well before continuing.

"I use the dream-like trance stored procedures in the enemies mind for me to dig up any vulnerabilities, flaws, or things they are frightened of in order to kill them."

Because you've never utilized your power before, you just know its description. You have a lot of potential, but you don't have the strength to unleash it on someone, as everyone knows.

Only those with the particular ability to sense how powerful you are are aware of your full potential.

The king was drawn to you not just because you're one of the most powerful woman he's ever encountered, but also because you'd allow him to increase the number of minions on his team to carry out his orders.

He caresses one of his fingers beneath his chin as he mulls over what to do with you, his long nails scratching it slightly.

You stood there, slightly swaying your upper body from side to side, nervously anticipating what he was thinking and saying next.

He says, "Let me see it," before walking back to his shrine, which causes you to fully freeze, not only because of his words, but because you didn't realize the shrine at first.

His shrine appears to have been desecrated in order to house a demon such as King Sukuna himself. The shrine is surrounded by bull-shaped skulls and has horns on the roof, skulls hanging at each of the corners, mouths coming out of each side.

"I'm sorry, my king, but I'm afraid I won't be able to show you!" You yell a little louder now that he's a few feet ahead of you.

He makes a tiny turn of his head, his gaze returning to you while looking back.

You just keep standing there.

"And why is that?" he inquires, his voice low but severe this time.

"You see..." you begin by taking a few steps forward from where you were, somewhat behind him. which you should have requested first. He, on the other hand, was unconcerned.

"I can't exhibit my full power right now because I need to build up my strength first," you explain humbly.

"Go get your strength back first, then come back to me," he says as he turns his head back forward. As he regained his ability to walk.

You sigh before adding, "I need your semen, King Sukuna," you say bluntly but also very politely. No longer fearful of his reaction that you’re a Succubus.

“So you’re another bratty ass Succubus eh? Tch. Should’ve fucking knew.”

He glared aggressively at you with his crimson red eyes. You were currently seated in front of his knees on your legs.

He thought he has gotten rid of you guys from coming into his domain for good, since it had been ages since another has stepped foot.

But he was too invested in your cursed energies to be upset enough to send you back to your family or even kill you; he knew you'd be useful here.

"I'm truly sorry, my king; I really intended to be welcomed here." You shut your eyes and droop your head.

He groans angrily and insists, "Look up at me while I'm talking."

You instantly comply, making eye contact with him and parting your lips slightly.

"I should murder you, but you're useful," He states severely not taking his eyes away from you, and you not doing the same.

You don't say anything, but he likes it when you're silent anyway.

"You may now look down," he says, indicating his private area, which you do slowly while swallowing.

What you're seeing is something you weren't expecting to see.

t-two??

no one’s ever mentioned two.

You expected to panic, but half of you didn't; the other half seemed calm, and you assumed it was the succubus in you.

"May I?" you inquired looking up at him as you raised both arms, he nods with the same serious look on his face.

you look back down.

You wanted to drool at the sight for some strange reason; they were both enormous, and you wanted to stuff them both into your mouth at the same time, but the human half of you had to restrain the succubus.

You grab one of them and gently stroke it with the palm of your hand.

Sukuna is already humming with pleasure since your hands are so warm and smooth, ideal for his two cocks.

You open your lips and place the warm, moist hole on his cock's tip. You start sucking on it, teasing him in a way you weren't sure was appropriate for a King.

“Don’t leave the other out brat.” he says referring to his other cock.

You obey, taking the second one with your right hand without looking at it, twisting and caressing it slightly. It had already leaked a little bit.

"C’mon, slut, you know you're capable of more."

Sukuna inserts his large palm into your scalp as he grows impatient, then grabs your hair and uses it to press your head down.

You could do better, he was right.

You hum to generate vibrations to the cock's head as you push it to the back of your throat, knowing that would bring extra pleasure.

You started bobbing your head slowly as you stroked his second cock, but there was one thing you didn't realize.

He doesn’t like it slow.

He swiftly begins to move his hand up and down, his hand tangled up in his hair. And you don't even know how fortunate you are to have no gag reaction.

He tosses his head back and groans with pure delight, knowing that he was about to soon cum.

Succubus women have the ability to feel when someone is about to cum, and your instincts were telling you that.

You wanted all of his sperm, and knowing he was close made the prospect of it filling your tummy even more appealing.

You pull your head back, allowing his cock to spring out of your mouth, and he looks at you with puzzled but also annoyed eyes, knowing he was near.

“Hey br—“

Even the King of Curses was taken aback by what he saw, and didn't notice at first that your eyes had taken on a demon appearance, with your irises now straight and the white that had been filled on the outside of them now purple.

Aside from that, you began to sprout little horns on both sides of your head, and you began to spew out your tongue, which had grown in length but retained its crimson shape.

It's as if you've transformed into a completely different person without even realizing it.

Your succubus side, if you will.

You violently dip your head back down and take his two cocks into your now slightly expanded mouth, wrapping your now-long tongue around both of his cocks at the same time.

You tried to get them both down your throat at the same time, but you knew that with practice in the future, you'd become better.

Sukuna couldn't believe what his eyes were seeing, yet he didn't complain.

He would have allowed succubus women do this sooner if he had known.

You couldn't even control yourself; it was as if your body began to move on its own.

Sukuna proceeded to degrade you, shouting obscenity words in response to the fact that he was on the verge of cumming in your mouth.

That's exactly what he did in a matter of seconds.

You swallowed all of the hot, sticky cum that shot down your throat.

You could already feel your power increasing with each drip you swallowed, and you cherished it.

You took the King's breath away after all of that, and you actually shocked him, but he wouldn't ever confess it.

Ryōmen Sukuna, the King of Curses, now had two reasons to keep you here.

#jjk sukuna #jujutsu sukuna #sukuna thirst #jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen fanfic #jujutsu kaisen smut #x reader #jjk smut #sukuna x you #sukuna smut #sukuna imagine #sukuna fanfic

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sepublic · 3 years ago

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Why did Odalia allow Emira and Edric in Illusions?

I’ve seen people wonder how Emira and Edric are in Illusions if they seem to be looked down upon, especially with a parent like Odalia expecting the best of her kids! To dabble into some potential explanations;

For starters, illusions might not be looked down upon to begin with? Bria, Angmar, and Gavin give me major jock vibes, what with the physicality of their magic, bullying the smaller Gus and Mattholomule, and seeing the Galdorstones as a litmus test for ‘real’ magic.

Given their immature tendencies, it’s possible that they’ve made an easy and shallow mistake of reducing the value of magic down to its physical strength, instead of the wider applications- Which fits young and overconfident kids from Glandus, which evidently had some toxic ideas.

This could be a shallow Glandus perception that doesn’t grasp the full extent and potential of magic beyond just physically smashing and fighting in a straightforward manner, which might just add to the school’s rivalry with Hexside; But I digress...

The thing about Odalia is that she’s definitely underhanded and a cheater herself- So it makes sense of her to approve of ‘lesser’ tactics anyway, because she might see herself as Lilith, having to use whatever it takes to win. Doesn’t matter if it’s honest or has integrity, Odalia never cared about that... So she wouldn’t be approaching Illusions with the sort of dismissive bias of jocks.

After all, Oracle magic doesn’t seem to be entirely physical- It is to an extent, hence why Selene is able to fight Willow for at least a few seconds... But otherwise, Oracle magic seems to focused on more intangible things. It’d be hypocritical of Odalia to embrace Oracle magic but then judge Illusions, but then again she’s no stranger to hypocrisy either.

Maybe she’s tried to vicariously place her kids in ‘real’ magic tracks and only succeeded in Amity... But again, Illusions might not actually be looked down upon, at least on a societal level. There might be some bias amongst covens who think their magic is superior to that of another, but Belos designated Illusions as one of his nine major covens for a reason- And he is definitely a ruthless pragmatist with a utilitarian view of magic.

After all, Boscha mocks Willow’s choice of Plants despite her friend Amelia being there, and Angmar is played off as supposedly better than Gus for it! Granted Plants might be considered lame, while Illusions are even lamer... Bria and her friends evidently weren’t so popular themselves at first;

But regardless, it seems that it could just be a case of kids being hypocritically biased and insulting someone’s choice of magic if it isn’t the same as their own, especially since Potions could easily be seen as weaker than Plants! But maybe it’s just a matter of class, with Potions evidently being an industry that rakes in a lot of snails, so who knows?

Boscha probably doesn’t have a place to speak, and amongst narrow-minded kids, some assumptions might take place, but once you’re an adult... You cool down and can see the importance of these things. And as a seasoned and successful entrepreneur, Odalia is someone always looking for an opportunity to use someone or something;

As an adult with actual real-world experience, Odalia is able to recognize the value of illusions... And, as a gaslighter and manipulator herself, who uses Oracle magic to literally get into people’s heads, and she’d definitely appreciate the mind games and trickery of illusions.

If anything, Odalia might see physical magic as more demeaning and to be offloaded to the lesser workers, to people whose hands are meant to be dirty (with Alador as an exception), while a prim and proper, higher-class person such as herself needn’t bother with labor-associated magic! If there is some bias towards some forms of magic as lofty and for prissy blue bloods, Odalia might just be an example of that.

Plus, illusions could help her business! Amity is clearly set up as the next Alador, as the mindless worker who puts together and innovates with Abominations... With the twins welcoming people into the expo, while Amity physically participates, and it’s likely that Emira and Edric are set up to be the social factor of the business!

They’re meant to be like Odalia, as the managers who organize people, who broker deals and appeal to customers! And illusions would be perfect for presentations, Illusionists have a knack for showmanship as Gus said.

Illusions could be used to cover up the flaws of Blight Industries’ products while embellishing them. It’s implied that Alador’s creations aren’t always as good as they claim to be... Possibly as a result of cutting costs, because this guy CAN make some effective products, but unless Odalia wants him to compensate with an Abomaton 2.0 after the first failed, she otherwise prefers quantity over quality.

So yeah, a deal broker and social butterfly who attends these kinds of gatherings, makes business alliances and appeals to people- Odalia would definitely approve of illusions, even beyond her own treatment of her kids! For all we know she insisted upon it from the get-go, and luckily for Emira and Edric, illusions worked out for them as their personal calling.

Who knows, maybe Odalia wanted to be in another magic track, only for her actual talents to speak for themselves- She proved best at Oracle magic and was placed in it anyway, despite her attempts for other tracks she wasn’t as naturally talented in. It could be a similar case for the twins, who already like to rebel- And Bump could’ve made a case for them to be in Illusions too! Though we know Odalia can threaten Bump to get her way...

But in the end it doesn’t matter, because I think it’s fully in Odalia’s character to appreciate a more subtle approach, especially if she likes to manipulate and use underhanded tactics to compensate for a lack of ‘genuine’ power. If she has the same biases against non-physical magic, she could be just like Lilith, accepting her need to use lowly means to keep up with more honest witches anyway.

And given how Belos’s system makes people compete, it’s possible that EVERY coven thinks the others are weaker in some capacity- Every coven thinks one of the other eight is weak and ‘worthless’, because of bias and arrogance. A bard might dismiss a construction worker as a menial labor brute, while a beast keeper might mock a potion-maker for relying on bottles and elixirs, instead of controlling powerful demons!

This type of elitism ingrained into society, resulting in bullies and competition, possibly some people trying to make peace with covens they didn’t truly want to join through and inflated sense of superiority... These seem in-character for the coven system, and how bullies like Boscha exist, while people like Kikimora and even Lilith feel the need to betray, backstab, and cheat to win.

It’s all a toxic system... And at the very least, to get back to the original point- I think it makes sense for Odalia to approve of illusions, or at least tolerate them enough to live with it, especially when you already have rebellious twins who are willing to stand up to their parents and can’t be threatened to stand down the way Amity initially was.

Emira and Edric might’ve chosen it for themselves, and it was something Odalia knew they’d insist upon to Bump, no matter how hard she tried- So it was out of her control, and Alador might’ve convinced Odalia to let them be. He recognizes the value of letting his kids be independent, because it adds to their strength and ‘usefulness’.

As a long-term thinker not blinded in the moment by personal pride and need for control like Odalia, Al very well could’ve explained to her how illusions can work; Again, what I said about presentations and advertisement. Alador could’ve spoken to Odalia and gotten her to calm down, reasoning why illusions could be better in the long run, because they need another Odalia to run the company after her.

As for who will work Abominations, it only takes one witch as Alador himself as proven, and they’ve got another daughter who is much more under their thumb and easy to control. Let Amity take that burden, they can make her do whatever they want, unlike the twins... And again, that pressure to make up for the roles the twins had forsaken, and live up to her father’s genius, would just add to Amity’s need to be perfect.

Granted, Alador and Odalia expected Amity to join the Emperor’s Coven until only recently, which doesn’t seem like a position she could reconcile while working with Blight Industries. But maybe Alador intended to keep working, and use Amity as a means to secure an alliance with the Emperor’s Coven that has Blight Industries set, no longer needing to innovate, just replicate his work... In which case, be careful what you wish for!

Plus, if it’s Alador who suggested the use of the twins in illusions, maybe it was always more his idea to have his kids split between different roles to continue the company on their own, while Odalia had looked to the more ambitious option of a deal with the Emperor’s Coven, military-industrial complex style, to secure their futures.

#the owl house #the owl house edric #edric blight #the owl house emira #emira blight #the owl house odalia #odalia blight #the owl house alador #alador blight #speculation

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plush-rabbit · 4 years ago

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Fugitives

Word Count: 6.6K

A/N: Diavolo has been on my mind lately and I want to take him out on a date

Summary: Just a nice, little day/night day with Diavolo

The Royal Academy of Diavolo looms heavily behind you, the book on your lap is opened, the pages still as the wind has died long ago. You stare at the foreign words, your head still fuzzy and beginning to hurt no matter how long you’ve stared at the words. You’re beginning to believe that the words on the page are part of some elaborate joke that any of the brothers or Solomon have failed to inform you of. The only thing that wrecks that thought is that you’re sure that the angels would have told you something by now.

The stone bench that you rest on is cold, a moss-like substance that creeps around the legs of the bench. The stone once light, ordained with intricate designs that you can never quite follow with your eyes, turns darker, the designs now eroded over time, are still ever present and you think that it might be some sort of demon magic. You frown at your thought and shake your head. Of course it would be demon magic.

Your finger grazes along the page of the book, sticky notes are bright against the paper, your notes written in ink that try to simplify the words You stare at the page, the words blurring together as your mind begins to wander. The moon looms overhead in a kaleidoscope of colors, illuminating the sky and shining onto you.

“You seem troubled,” a voice speaks beside your ear, breath warm and smelling of something sweet.

You jump, snapping the book shut and turning your body to make room from you the unknown stranger. You have a face riddled with horror, your body aflame and you begin to call the name of a brother, the book held tightly in your grasp until you meet the eyes of Lord Diavolo.

You breathe rapidly and his face, one that was no doubt held a pleasant smile falls. He waves his hands in front of him, apology spewing rapidly from lips and it takes a moment to recollect yourself. “Ah,” you smile nervously, wide and strained, “Lord Diavolo, hi.” your smile falls when his smile does and he stands straighter, blocking the rays of the moon from hitting you. “I- It’s my bad. I wasn’t- I should have been paying attention.”

His smile returns and it’s softer, almost pained, his eyes refusing to meet yours. “I’m sure I’ve made it a point that you nor the other exchange students have to refer me as-” he raises his fingers to make air quotations- “‘Lord Diavolo.’”

You chuckle nervously, tension light in the air but still making your face flush and legs bounce nervously. “Yeah, but if I don’t, Lucifer might pop a vein or kill me.” You tilt your head and shrug your shoulders. “It’s kind of his entire thing. You know-” you look at the soon-to-be king and smile politely at him- “rules and all.” The book is still held tightly in your hand and you look down at the cover, clicking your tongue before placing the book inside your bag. “I- uh. School is about to start, right?” You give a quick glance to the demon who continues to stare at you. His expression is quizzical, a furrow between his brows and lips pursed. “Lord- I mean, Diavolo?”

He breaks out of it quickly and you stand, a strap of your backpack sliding over your shoulder, the weight of it pressing into your shoulder. “How are you doing with the curriculum? I’m sure it’s much more different than what you’re used to.” He speaks slowly, testing each word on his tongue as if this- the interaction, the words and all, are new. He catches your guarded expression and adjusts himself. “It’s just that you looked troubled. What was that term that you humans use? A nickel for your thoughts?”

You smile and let out a soft chuckle. “Penny,” you correct. “A penny for your thoughts.”

“Penny,” he repeats. His eyes are on you and they burn. His gaze is strong and you come to realize that this is the few times that you’ve ever had a proper interaction with the Lord. It’s always been interrupted, always filled with the presence of others. Always stiff and formal. “A penny for your thoughts?”

Your hand tightens on the strap of the bag. You glance to the side, unable to decide if you can really worry him with such feeble troubles. You’re sure that he would listen to you, that he would take every word with caution and care, that he wouldn’t dismiss you so quickly. You wet your lips, your teeth grazing against your bottom lip and you think you can hear the voices of Lucifer and Barbatos lingering against a corridor.

You look back to Lord Diavolo and once more to the side. “Hey, uh-” he tilts his head, taking half a step towards you- “do you have anything important to do today?”

He shakes his head no. “Only review papers but when you have Barbatos as a friend, well, that can be done at any time.” His smile stretches, humor laced into his words. “Why? Were you hoping to join?” He almost sounds hopeful and it makes an awful twist at your stomach appear.

“I-” the knot in your stomach pulls taut and you glance up at him- “I was wondering if you wanted to go get something to eat. Like now? Like Akudonald’s or something.”

He brightens immediately. “Really? I’ve been meaning to try it but Barbatos has never been a fan of that type of food and Lucifer always denies going out.” His smile tightens and he looks down at the ground. “Something about being too busy,” he mutters, his eyes returning to yours after a moment. Your heart aches for the Demon Lord and your bag feels heavy. You take a step toward him, the stone of the bench scratching against your pants and he's quick to take your hand into his. As if also knowing what lies beyond a corner- because how could he not with senses like his- he pulls on you quickly, already turning around, hand in hand, ignoring the stray looks of demons and others alike.

Designer shoes click against the concrete, sullying the heel and making sharp noises while your worn shoes slap against the concrete, your body desperately trying to catch up towards his. A strong, heavy hand holds you tightly and you can feel just how fragile you are in his hand. You struggle for breath and soon you are crossing grass, ruining the impeccable lawn under footsteps and slowly, the reality of what you are doing sets in. You laugh, squeezing your hand in his, ignoring the way that your bag hits against your back in an almost painful manner. You’re laughing as you begin to ditch school to go with a prince to a fast food chain.

As if your laughter is infectious, he begins laughing as well, pulling you closer until the ground is nonexistent, the wind harsh against you and you’re struggling to keep up. It’s painful, an awful pain that you know will leave you sore, that will make you regret ever moving. But it’s fun. It’s freeing to just run hand in hand, to ditch school and laugh and for a moment, the worry of school and assignments, leaves you as you run with Diavolo though the school grounds. Never one to break rules- at least not under the watchful eye of Lucifer and the brothers- this is freeing, allowing yourself to break free from the tight hold they have on you and go and explore- even if it is just a simple lunch.

Grass turns into pavement, the pace slows down and your feet hurt, stinging above the harsh pavement. You’re doubled over, hands on your knees as you try to breath through your gasps. Your laughter is breathless, wheezing as you rise and let out a shaky laugh, lungs burning and mouth dry. You stare up at him, your body warm as he gives you a smile, not even the slightest hint of sweat on his brow and you scoff. The school blazer feels tight on your body, the dress shirt underneath sticking to your body and when you turn back, the school is far from where you both stand.

“Not tired?” You ask, rising, rolling your shoulders and adjusting your bag. He shakes his head no. “Figures- demon stamina and all,” you add when he gives you a quizzical look. “Anyways, now that we’ve escaped school, we’re technically fugitives.”

He laughs at your comment and you can feel pride swell in your chest. You’ve always been a fan of making people laugh, to hear them enjoy a joke- it’s something you take great pleasure in. “Fugitives, huh?” He looms above you, broad shoulders and piercing eyes that seem to glow under the moonlight and yet his laugh is loud and joyous, brash and full of something sweet. “I’ve never been a fugitive before. What does that entail?”

You smile at him and take a step closer to him, running a clammy hand through the ends of your hair. “Well Diavolo, that means we can do whatever we want-” you raise a finger and your smile narrows, turning kittenish, a slit of your teeth peeking between your lips- “so long as we don’t get caught.” You point your finger at him, your smile growing. “It’ll be fun, I promise! We can do whatever you want to do and-”

“You know-” he leas down, face relaxed, a slow smile appearing on his face- “as future king, I can technically do what I want without consequences.”

Your smile falls. You hadn’t thought of that. Perhaps you’ve been spending too much time with the others, so used to having to sneak around and keep secrets that you’ve failed to realize that you are standing on the outskirts of school with the future king. You open your mouth, ready to apologize for wasting his time or for- for something. Heat rises to your face- this was a horrible, impulsive idea.

You fail to realize the worry that crosses the future king’s face as your own expression falls. He can sense something negative brewing inside of you- something anxious and fear riddled and he forces a smile, standing straighter and in an attempt to remedy the situation, he speaks. “But I’ve never played fugitive. You know, if we get to do things that I’m not able to do, well the list will be short. I’ve been dying to try Akudonald’s. Will-” he meets your eyes, and there’s a skip in his chest- “Will you accompany me to Akudonald’s?”

When you smile brightly and nod your head rapidly, he lets out a sigh of relief. He walks beside you, knuckles brushing against each other and despite doing many dangerous acts in the past, this simple act of touching you is enough to send adrenaline spiking throughout his body. He listens to you speak, the way you talk about fast food chains from your realm and he’s delighted to hear about. He loves human culture, he loves the entire enigma that people- that humans- pose and while it might not have been loved at first sight, it was most definitely something at first for him. The young lord was intrigued by you, intrigued by the human that you are, the need to befriend, to stay close to somebody, the need to be alive and the excitement that shines in your eyes through the simplest things. It was the idea of you that he loved and then as he continued to invade parts of your life and you continued to live your life, to make the forced small talk with him, to laugh at a horrible joke he once read in a book. He knows he feels some type of attraction towards you and whether it’s romantic or a deep sense of platonic, he knows that it’s there and he doesn’t want the feeling to ever leave him.

You talk and you spiral from topic to topic, telling a story fast, speech slurring together and words being stuttered and he listens to you intently. He ignores the eyes on him as he walks through the city, knuckles against yours, trying to ignore the desperate, touch-starved part of him that wants to hold your hand in his. You talk and you talk and he listens until you both stand in the parking lot of the long awaited fast food chain.

“You know-” he pulls his hand away from you and he knits his hands together- “I’ve never been here before.” Something settles in his stomach and he hasn't felt something as intense in so long. He thinks he might die but it doesn’t fit in the schedule that Barbatos has prepared for him.

“Nervous?” Your voice is small and he can only nod. He doesn’t know why and he hopes that you don’t ask. He can hear you hum and he feels so silly. He’s a prince. He shouldn’t be nervous for a meal that won’t even make a scratch in his pocket and yet- “You know,” you voice startles him out of his own thoughts, “I’m always scared of trying new things. Even in the Human Realm. There are things that I won’t try due to how new they are. A lot of people are like that. I- You know-” he can see your reflection look up at him and the way your hand twitches at your side- “when I had to eat fried bat and this one stew with like eyes in it and a tail-” his eyes widen and he interrupts what he’s sure is an encouraging speech.

“Fried-” he frowns. “I was sure I had requested for the brothers to give you human food. Just something to start your adjustment here before you got used to all the food here.”

Your frown is deep and he can’t help but let out a soft laugh. “I-” you tilt your head and roll your lips. “I- You know, they are so lucky that I love them.” You shake your head. “I’m going to abuse my pact power.” His smile widens and he lets out another laugh, louder and enough for him to double over and feel his face flush.

“There are plenty of times where I’ve caught Lucifer doing something-” his eyes dart to the side- “rather something un-Lucifer-like. I’m sure I could send you a few pictures.” His smile is devilish and he enjoys the sound of your laugh.

“If you have any of Lucifer sleeping or in a bathing suit, I’d be extremely grateful.” You leave his side, going to grab the metallic door handle. You turn to him, gesturing with a jerk of your head towards the establishment. “Come on then.”

His steps are quick, walking the few feet that separate the both of you. The door is held open for him, a friendly gesture by you, allowing him to leave the fresh air of outside and enter the restaurant with cold air, the smell of grease faint in the air. He stands beside you, eyes on the menu.

“What are you-”

“I think I might get fried devil chicken and maybe a Little Devil’s Slushy Soda.” You turn to look up at him. “I’ve had one before. You could try the burgers but just remember to ask for no pickles.” His eyes widen and he's looking at you, his mouth parted to ask a question, only to be interrupted when you continue to talk. “You know, I’m surprised that out of all the foods that you have here, the one that Devildom shares with the Human Realm is pickles.”

“I’ll- uh-” he clears his throat and looks back up at the menu- “I’ll get the same as you except for the drink. I think I’ll get an Orange Acid.” He can see you nod in the corner of his eyes. “Should we-”

“I invited you out, I’ll pay.” You move to the front of the register and he’s quick to clear his throat and stand before you, taking in the attention of the attendant, eyes wide and a flicker of their tail, the slightest hint of fear emanating off of them. “Dia?”

His smile widens at the nickname. “Nonsense-” he turns his head towards you- “you’ve already invited me for a day out, the least I could do to repay you is pay for a simple meal.” His smile is sharp, eager to please as he turns back to the demon worker, their body stiff. “Why don’t you go and find a place to sit? I’ll take the food to you in just a second.” And with that, the prince turns and orders the food, his voice clear and precise, stiff and simple in his words and you can only shrug. You are in no place to argue with him.

You walk to sit at a booth, the bench solid underneath you, the table cold and free of any mess. You sit patiently, your legs bouncing underneath and hands meeting together in an awkward hand hold. It’s only until then that you realize you can remove the bag. Once free, your body is empty, the bag beside you, the blazer on your body scratching at your neck and you’re quick to remove it and stuff it unceremoniously inside your bag. You roll the sleeve of your dress shirt, adjust the collar and lean against the back of the bench, looking up and smiling when Diavolo holds a tray of food, the drinks carried by another worker with pale skin, ears pointed and lowered in an almost fearful way.

Diavolo sits in front of you, the plastic tray clicking against the table and the drinks are lowered, onto the table. The demon speaks lowly under their breath and gives a small bow before turning around and leaving the both of you to your meal. You give a roll of your eyes before turning around and grabbing at the small carrier box that holds your food. You pull your drink closer, the heaviness of it inside and pop your straw. Diavolo follows suit and takes a careful bite from his own chicken.

Even as he eats, he’s proper, holding the chicken with a plastic fork, taking careful bites. Granted you do the same, but only because the seasoning of it would burn your hands. How it doesn’t burn your mouth, you have no idea.

It’s quiet, the only sounds exchanged from between the both of you are the crunching of the chicken and the slurps from the drinks. It’s all so awkward. “So,” you start, bringing the straw to your pursed lips, the cold drink heavy on your tongue, “how come you don’t just come here on your own? Like without Barbatos or Lucifer? You are the future king-” your eyes trail on the condensation that lingers on your thumb- “I don’t understand why you have to wait for others permission.”

He’s quiet for a moment, his hands still, the food untouched and when you look up at him, you wonder if you’ve insulted him in some sort of way.

You frown, taking the final bite from your chicken. “I didn’t mean anything bad by it. I was-”

“No, no,” he’s quick to say, giving you a wave of his hand. “I understand. I-” he furrows his brows and his jaw gives the faintest twitch- “I am allowed to do what I please but I suppose I would rather not do things alone.” The silence lingers for a second after his statement before clearing his throat and returning to eat. “You know-” he places his hand in front of his mouth and talks- “I’m glad that I was able to try this. It’s actually quite good. You’ve had this before?”

You nod. “Yeah, I come here with Mammon or Levi. Beel likes it here too but the servings aren’t quite what he’s used to so he goes to Hell’s Kitchen.” Your foot begins to tap, your hand going to hold the drink as you pull it close, narrowing your eyes when the condensation outside of the drink drips onto your pants. “Neither of the others like it. Solo prefers to cook his own food-” you smile when Diavolo grimaces at the mention of the sorcerer's food- “and Simeon doesn’t want Luke to eat too much fast food. Which I’m confused by since I always assumed Angels never really faced any consequences of what they ate. They’re like ethereal-” you gesture with your drink, pointing it towards the demon across from you- “cholesterol shouldn’t be a thing with them.”

He smiles softly and shakes his head, putting down the plastic utensils, grabbing a napkin to clean his hands. “It’s not about cholesterol.” The drink is bitter against his tongue. “It’s more about sin and all that. Temperance playing part to not overstuff yourself, the avoidance of gluttony and taking what you want in excess. Angels are very particular about those sorts of things. You must have taken notice how Luke always offers the first batch to anyone else but him, how he gives and refuses to eat more unless offered or split with someone else.” Diavolo smiles at you, it’s tight, not quite reaching his eyes and there’s a feeling inside of you to press further. “While Luke is quite a good angel, he’s still young. He can be easily swayed with just the right words. Simeon is merely protecting the young one.” He fails to realize the heaviness of the conversation, only interested in sharing information with you, taking another sip from his drink and meeting your eyes, which are wide and almost fearful. He smiles gently. “You have nothing to fear. Luke won’t fall, Simeon is an old angel, he’ll take proper care of Luke.” His eyes glance down to your plate. “I’m done. Would you like to leave now?”

“I-” your eyes widen and you take a deep breath, releasing it slowly- “Yeah. Yeah, let’s uh, go.” You rise slowly from the booth, bag in hand and you wait beside the table, watching as he rises from the seat. “You got anything else you want to do? We can go to a store or get a snack?” Diavolo holds the door open for the both of you and you walk beside him, pulling out a bottle of hand sanitizer and cleaning your hands. You hold it out for him and he tilts his head, slowly putting his hands under the nozzle. He mimics your own motions. He brings his hands to his nose and takes a sniff. You smile at the reaction. “It’s peach scented,” you tell him.

“Ah, of course.” He lowers his hands, eyes glancing at your bag that digs into your shoulders. “Would you like for me to hold your bag?”

“Hm? Oh, no, it’s fine. It just has a notebook and my blazer stuffed inside, it’s lighter than it looks.” You smile up at him, waving your hand in front of yourself. “Thank you for the offer, though,” you chirp, pausing for a moment to look at his arm and with a deep breath, you hope what you are deciding to do is something that you are allowed to do. You link your arm with his, holding your own hand and he bends his arm, holding his hand in his, keeping his pace slow to have you beside him.

“Do you think we can stop by Madam Scream’s? I’ve been dying to try the skeletal muffins. I heard they have quite an exquisite taste, something akin to eating a soul if I heard correctly. But then again, nothing tastes quite as good as the real thing.” He looks down at you eagerly, his smile wide and a bounce in his step. “What do you say?”

“You’ve-” you furrow your brows. “I- Of course. I’ve been meaning to try to coffin cookies that they have there but,” you hesitate and purse your lips, “souls?” You look up at him. “You’ve eaten souls before?”

He blinks owlishly at you, only to realize what exactly he said and to who. He clears his throat, a nervous smile on his lips as he corrects himself. “Old souls, of course. Hell can get a bit too packed every once in a while so there’s often a day reserved to let demons and others alike to a- how should I put it? Go hunting?” Even he sounds unsure of his wording. Worry knots in your stomach and it must be evident across your face. “You mustn't worry. I have you and the others under protection. No one will harvest your soul anytime soon.”

You click your tongue against the roof of your mouth, slightly relieved but also slightly horrified that that was an actual fear that had never occurred to you before. “I- Thanks Dia-” your hand pats against your other. “Thanks for the clarification.”

“Of course!” His tone is back to his chipper self. “I’m doing my best to keep you happy while you spend your time here. I’m hoping that as time goes on, your voice will prove useful in how humans interact with us demons. I’m quite aware of the-” he pauses for a moment- “reputation that us demons have gathered. But I’m positive with you and Solomon here- along with Simeon and Luke- that that can all change, so if you ever need anything else, please feel free to recommend things to either Barbatos or I.”

“You know-” you look up at him, and he tilts his head downward, his eyes a shimmering gold that under the moonlight of the sky, seem to dance with hints of honey and intense devotion as they hold your gaze, only to look away after a second- “sometimes I feel intimidated by everything around here.” You can feel his attention return to you, and you look forward, ignoring the stares of the wandering demons, tightening your hold around him ever so slightly. “Shocker, I know,” you smile sarcastically, letting it fall for a moment afterwards. “But Devildom is so big, I feel like I haven’t explored it in full ever since I’ve been here. If I do have to recommend something to you Lord-”

“Diavolo,” he reminds you, his hand tightening around his own, eyes glancing down to yours, meeting your eyes for a moment that makes him unable to breathe. “Dia is also fine,” he mutters. “I quite like the nickname.”

You smile up at him and he’s drowning, digging his nails into the back of his hand, trying to resist the urge to cover your hand with his. He’s unsure where the line of the friendship is drawn, where the friendship can begin without worry or fear. You’ve taken the first step with linking arms and he is unable to do anything more than just stare occasionally at you and let worry nip at him.

“Dia,” you correct yourself. “If I’m able to recommend something to you Dia- Oh!” You press yourself closer to him when a demon walks too closely- something bold and an act of defiance to you or to him- he isn’t sure, but he’s sure he’ll remember the smug face. He’s sure he’ll remember the way you smell of orange blossom and lilac. “As I was saying. Dia if I could make a suggestion, it would be that-” you arm tightens around his- “we can spend a bit more time together. You always seem so busy and I- I know that we aren’t exactly close but you still offer the castle as a safe haven for me and I would appreciate knowing you a bit better before wanting to take advantage of your hospitality.” Your fingers dance against the side of his elbow, pulling against his coat jacket. Your breaths are shallow, your heart beating quickly and he can smell the nerves on you. He allows himself to feel a bit of joy in knowing that he can give you the type of feelings that you give to him.

Your arms leave his when you approach the bakery and he already misses your touch. “Of course, we can.” He watches himself in the reflection, trying to find a flaw in his appearance but unable to. “Whenever you wish to spend time with me, just send me a message.” His hand holds the beautifully crafted door handle and he turns to look at you. “I’ll drop whatever I’m doing if it means we can another day like this.” And with that, he opens the door, allowing you to enter, followed closely by him, his hand ghosting over your lower back as he nudges you inside the bakery that smells sweetly of death and bitter with the scent of candy.

You sit on a worn, stone bench. The rock faded and pale, the designs once intricate now nothing more than grooves along your fingertips. Beside you, Diavolo sits, his thigh against yours, a careful maneuver as he hands you your own treat, and carefully holds his in his hand.

It’s quiet as you both eat your sweets, the moon high against the sky, the colors now different in the sky, darker and cooler, the stars brighter, against the sky. The fountain in front of you is monotonous, the same design spat from the nozzles and splashing against the water on the lower level. Demons pass by, groups walking together, singular demons walking across the small park, and there’s a heaviness that sweeps across your body. Something so bitter and making your throat tight, the cookie, once sweet, is now bitter on your tongue and you hold the box on your lap, the cookie forced down your throat by your own hand, as tears prick your eyes. You swallow the cookie with a heavy feeling, holding the box in your hands, nails digging into the cardboard.

“It’s late,” you mutter, looking at the splashing water. “I’m surprised Barbatos hasn’t contacted you by now.”

“I put my D.D.D. on silent.” You can feel his eyes on you. There’s a soft crunching from him, the tension thick in the air. “I’m surprised you haven’t been contacted by the brothers either.”

You shrug. “I think they knew that I wasn’t feeling well. They must think I’m with Solomon and the others.” You turn to him, your fingertips nudging open the box of sweets. “Would you like a cookie?” You grab one, an oddly perfect circle, fingers pinched around it carefully as you offer it Diavolo. “They’re really good. A bit sweet and soft.” Your eyes soften. “Oddly enough, it reminds me of a chocolate chip cookie without the chocolate or chip.”

He takes the treat from you, bringing it to his lips and taking a bite from it, crumbs against his lower lip until his tongue peeks out and swipes it away. “Penny for your thoughts?” He takes notice of how your smile falters and then returns, the almost stiff, forced way that the corners of your lips turn and it leaves him with a sense of dread.

You turn from him, looking back at the fountain, the number of people slowly dwindling as time continues. “I have to be honest Lord Diavolo-” he frowns at the usage of his title- “the reason I invited you out was because I didn’t want to go to class. I-” you take a deep breath and in turn, exhale for a moment too long- “I just wanted to say sorry. For you know-” you look back at him shameful- “using you, I guess.”

It’s silent for just a second before he lets out a quiet laugh, shaking his head and placing the cookie down on the lid of the muffin container. He can feel your leg jerk against his and he waves his hand, eyes shut tightly as his snickering comes to a slow stop, only a few bursts breaking through. “I have to say, I’m surprised you’re still an honest person even after living with demons for so long.” His smile, playful and sharp, turns softer, teeth glinting between his parted lips. “That’s something I admire strongly about you humans- how resilient you are.” He’s slow to place the unfinished treat inside the container of muffins. The box clicks and scratches, the treat placed where a muffin lies and he pauses for a moment before carefully grabbing on in his hand, gentle to pick up the baked treat in his hand, before gesturing it towards you. He gives a nod of his head, prompting you to take it. When you take it, your fingertips brush against his and he’s almost remorseful to let go. “Truth be told, I had an inkling of a thought that’s why you invited me out. You seemed troubled in the courtyard when I had approached you.” He watches as you take a careful bite, your lips parted against the rounded top before coming to a soft close. “I also must admit that I had taken advantage of that. Rather than talking to you and your avoidance of class, I had taken an opportunity to go out and spend time with you.” Your gaze on him pushes him to continue further. “You see, I have wanted to go to Akudonald’s for some time now and not many others do and I don’t get along with the other brothers as well as I do with Lucifer. Solomon is rather particular about the food that he eats and Simeon and Luke prefer to not go out to eat fast food unless it’s a special occasion-” he glances at you- “sin and all. But you- I-” he sighs and looks at the fountain that you once stared at- “Everyone else gets to be your friend, everyone else gets to spend time with you and I suppose when I saw you alone and troubled, I took advantage of that.” He scratches his neck, nails pulling against the sensitive skin and his chest feels tight.

Your container opens and he watches you carefully place the unfinished treat inside. It’s a tight fit but it’s placed inside. “I guess,” you start, edging closer to him, letting your thigh rest against his once more, “we’re both guilty fugitives.” You smile at him, your hands slowly creeping towards him, your fingertips light on his burning skin, and he’s swallowing nervously, turning his hand to allow you to thread your fingers into his hand.

“I don’t think we’re cut out for this fugitive lifestyle,” he murmurs, golden eyes glued to how your hand fits into his.

“I think we are,” your fingertips ghost above his knuckles and with a gentle pull, you both rise. “We just happen to be fugitives with feelings- guilty feelings.” You smile up at him, and despite only ever knowing an artificial sun, he’s sure that you smile is the one brighter, something warm and forgiving, understanding to love and quick to accept. He’s sure that your smile is the closest he’ll get to sunlight itself. “You okay with the hand holding? I-” you bite your bottom lip, letting it roll between your teeth and he squeezes your hand tighter, leaving pale imprints on your skin- “I like holding hands.”

His smile widens and he nods vigorously. “I don’t mind it. I’m actually quite happy to hold your hand.” He’s still for a moment, standing before the bench. Carefully, he goes to hold the box in your hands, placing it in his hands, above his own box. “It’s a bit late into the evening, as much as I have enjoyed our time together-” he walks forward, pulling lightly on your hand- “I should return you back to the House of Lamentation.”

He calls your name softly, a whisper from him that you have never heard of from the jovial demon that stands beside you, hands interlaced together. “I really did enjoy our time together today. I-” he pauses for a moment, gripping your hand a bit tighter- “I had fun. I hope we can do this again. You know,” his voice tenses for a moment, “hang out.” Words stick and die in his throat. There’s so much more that he wishes to imply with those few words. A future king and he’s worried of how he might come off. A bitter smile graces his face, his face flushing and he’s grateful that the moon above isn’t as bright as the others.

“I’d like to hang out with you as well,” you reply, edging closer to him, until your arms brush by each other. “I think for the next time-” your thumbs brushes against his hand, leaving him shivering in its wake, a phantom touch unlike any that he’s known before, makes him warm and cold all at once- “we can explore a bit more of Devildom. If you’d like to, of course.”

Eager as always, his reply comes quickly, heart on his sleeve and emotion evident on his words. “Of course, I would. You name the time and place. I’ll drop whatever I’m doing for you.” He’d do whatever you would want him to, pact or no pact, he’d get on his knees and cup your face in his hands, giving you whatever you desired if it meant you could still be with him. “I mean it, you know. You mustn’t worry if you’re bothering me.”

The gates to the House of Lamentation creak open, the cobbled floor beneath you is rough and scraped from years of use. The trees loom overhead, branches casting shadows that give you an excuse to hold tighter onto him. The walk is silent, hands held, words spoken and shared, and when you stop in front of the door, shadows dance underneath. You hold his hand, unable to let go, wanting to hold it for a moment longer before you part. Inside you can hear muffled voices, and with a heavy sigh, he lets go before you. The box of sweets is placed in your empty hands, and you look up at him, eyes wide and lips parted. The moonlight that shines onto him makes him appear that much more otherworldly. His tongue wets his lips and you can feel your breath shudder in your chest.

He lowers himself, pushing away stray hair from your forehead, lips soft on your burning skin as he presses a feather of a kiss onto you. Your body stiffens and when he pulls away, his smile is almost sad. He turns and he’s barely down a step when you choke out his name. On the other side of the door, the voices cease. He turns to you, and you grab his hand, looking at him for a brief second, royal eyes that are heavy with the glow of hesitation stare at your hand that grabs his. His gaze doesn’t falter as the palm of his hand is pressed against your lips. He lets his hand fall to his side, watching as you give him a goodbye, telling him to message you when he’s gotten home- having him nod his head in a promise and you enter your home, leaving him standing under the pale light of the moon, his hand rising, and with his palm slowly cupping over his mouth, his lips pressing gently against where you kissed him, he walks home.

#diavolo headcanons #shall we date diavolo #diavolo swd #obey me #shall we date #obey me shall we date #obey me diavolo #obey me diavolo headcanons #diavolo x y/n #diavolo x mc #diavolo obey me #its been a while since i wrote a fic #ahh #hope you like it!!

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1plus1kiyoomi · 4 years ago

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Chapter 13: Thinking of You

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Putting your phone down on the wooden table, you groan in frustration. The piling paperwork and dating life are two different things but are both giving you too much stress. A lot of friends and colleagues had adviced you to stay single and focus on work, but Yaku is right.

You’re meeting all these people just to forget that you met him.

Kita was far from your ideal type. He wasn’t tall. He wasn’t rich. He didn’t give you expesive gifts every day. But he still managed to make you think that he’s the perfect man.

No matter how hard you try not you, you still compare every guy you’ve dated to Kita. He set the bars so high, that even you can’t see the top of it.

You are so desperate to forget Kita that you started dating all these boys and thought that maybe one of them can make you forget him. Relationships only lasted for a day or the most is a week. You’re getting a bad name in industry, but you don’t care.

“Hi, I’m (L/N) (F/N). Nice to meet you.” You introduce yourself to the pilot as you sit on the dinner table he reserved. You take in his appearance and he’s a 10/10. He has blonde hair and golden eyes, and very long lashes. He has wide shoulders and even under his suit, you can tell that he’s well-built.

“Kise,” he answers, flashing a smile your way.

‘One of those charmers...’ You think as you check him out once again. You’re looking through the menu when the man in front of you clears his throat uncomfortably, catching your attention. “If you don’t want to continue this day, just say so.”

“It’s not that. I just don’t feel comfortable acting fancy and all that,” Kise remarks, loosening the tie around his collar.

“Then let’s go somewhere else,” you tell him reassuringly. The waitress waiting for your orders stand their awkwardly, witnessing how the restaurant will lose a customer just like that. “Miss, order anything you want in this menu. I’ll pay for it.”

“Ah, it’s okay,” the waitress stutters, taking the menu from you and Kise.

“I insist,” you tell her before standing up from your seat. After paying for the waitress’s meal, you and Kise head to his car. He attempts to help you put it on but you do it before he can. “So where do you wanna go?”

Kise looks out of his window shyly before giving you an answer. “I wanted to cook for you...”

“Okay, then bring me to your house?” You chuckle, trying to lighten the mood. The tense that was all over your date’s finally disappears as he brightly smiles at you.

“You’re kinder than from I’ve heard,” he confesses and starts the engine of his car. “I have this recipe I learned from a great friend...”

Kise rambles on about the most random things until you two reach the parking lot of his apartment. Just like he said, he cooked for you. You sit at the dining table as you wait for him to finish cooking. Staring at him from the angle, you remember Kita teaching you how to cook rice.

“How many cups of rice do I need?” You asked him, staring at the sack of rice once again. Kita scooped two cups of rice then put it at the pot.

“After that, you clean the rice by soaking it in water at least twice,” Kita instructed, putting two fingers up. You nodded, following through. “Then you strain the dirty water out. After that use your finger to measure the water. It has to reach the second line on your finger.”

Kita took your hand and dipped your finger in the water. You blushed furiously, containing your squeals from the sudden contact with your crush. After going through the whole process, he made you repeat his steps in making rice.

“And that’s how you cook rice.”

“Hey, (Y/N), it’s time to eat.” Kise shakes his hand in front of your face so you go back to your senses. You nod at him with an sorry smile then start eating. “Does it taste good?”

“It’s spicy,” you tell Kise softly. He stops eating and grabs milk from his refrigerator.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know. But do you like the taste?” Kise asks you, and you just nod.

“Tell me if you want to adjust any taste or something,” Kita said after you took a bite of the meal. It was your first breakfast together and the first time he cooked for you since Osamu prepared food the night before.

“It tastes good but I don’t really like spicy food,” you answered, taking a sip of water from your glass due to the spiciness of the dish. Kita noticed the discomfort in your face so he stood up and went back to the kitchen to make a new dish for you. “It’s okay. I can take the spice.”

“No. I want you to eat to your heart’s content,” Kita stated, causing you to smile. “If you’re craving for anything, tell me okay?”

“So how’s work?” Kise changes the topic.

You sigh from the spiciness, but continue to eat anyways, not wanting to waste the blonde’s efforts. “It’s tiring, but it’s bearable.”

“Work is hard nowadays,” Kise complains back. “I wish to take a break sometimes, but then I can’t.”

“Why not?” You continue to ask, seeking for an answer that will determine if you like him or not.

“Because I need money to take you out in our future dates,” he answers mischievously, causing you to raise an eyebrow at him. “Though I’m not really enjoying my job-”

You cut him off midsentence. “Then why did you become a pilot?”

“Because it earns a lot of money is looked up to by anymore.”

“Babe...” You called the grey haired man as you laid on the back of his truck. You went with him and Rice to the farm since you didn’t have anything to do. “Atsumu told me you the top university offered you scholarship to college, why didn’t you take it?”

“Because I want to be a farmer,” Kita simply answered. He took the towel hanging around Rice’s neck and wiped the back of his neck using it. Sitting up from your position, you continued to ask him questions.

“Why?”

“No particular reason. I just enjoy it and it helps other people,” Kita replied to you. You put on the spare boots that lying on the corner of the trunk and went over to him. “Do you want to help?”

“Yes, since I want to learn about the things that make you happy,” you told him confidently and he just let out a soft chuckle.

“Then maybe I should learn how to vlog, too.”

Your date with Kise goes on. The two of you finished dinner so he takes out a bottle of white wine. After several of glasses, Kise scoots close to you.

“(Y/N), I know it’s just our first date, but I really like you,” Kise confesses, scooting close to you. Scoffing, you face him. “I’m serious.”

Kise leans in you and allow him to close the gap between the two of you, his lips colliding with yours.

It was your first breakfast as a couple and being the romantic person that you are, you woke up before him to make him lunch. Rice lied down the kitchen floor, confused on why it’s you cooking and not his father. You gave him his food before going back to making your boyfriend’s lunch.

“You’re just grilling a sausage, don’t fail this,” you muttered to yourself as you roll the said sausage on the pan with so much concentration. You felt arms wrap around you so you flinched in shock, almost dropping the ladle you were holding.

“Good morning,” Kita chuckled, placing his chin on your shoulder. “I should have asked you out the moment you got here if I knew that I would not make breakfast every morning.”

“Good morning, baby,” you giggled, turning off the stove to face him. “How was your sleep?”

“It was not that great since I didn’t see you when I woke up,” Kita answered, causing you to snort. “What?”

“You’ve become cheesy,” you stuck your tongue out, teasingly. Kita quickly moved his body forward, taking your tongue in his mouth. You pushed him away, gasping then laughing. “Babe, what!”

Kita let out a laugh, pulling your body closer again. He leaned his forehead on yours, his grip on your hips tightening. He’s staring at your eyes intensely but lovingly. “If you keep staring at me like that I might think you’re in love with me,” you joke.

Kita just smiled at you then pulled you in for a kiss. You placed your arms on shoulders, letting him kiss you deeper. His lips were soft but moved roughly. His hold was secure but dangerous. He was gentle with you but he was had a strong aura. He made you smile with his pure intentions, and made you moan with his sensual touches. He made you squeal like it was your first time to be in love, but he could also make you cry as if it’s your last time to experience love.

Kita was the best of both worlds. He was the calming moon, and the blazing sun. He was the cold night, and the warming morning. He was the sunrise that said hello, and the sunset that told you good bye.

You were in an axis. You have witnessed all the different planets and met all these people, to try to run away from him. But wherever you travel, you still see him. Maybe because he was not only both worlds, but rather the whole universe.

You are stuck in his axis. You’re sure of it, because even if someone else is holding you, your body craves for his touch. Though someone else is kissing you, your lips want to feel Kita’s. Someone else is making you smile, but only because you remember your happy moments with Kita. No matter who you’re with, you’re only thinking of him.

You push Kise away, thoughts about Kita flooding in your mind. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this.”

“Was I moving too fast?” Kise awkwardly asks, moving away from you.

“It’s not that,” you tell him, thinking of a reason to get out of the situation. Kise then giggles, scratching the back of his neck, so your attention goes to him.

“Is it someone then?” Kise questions, tilting his head to the side. You lower head, nodding shyly and gripping on the hem of your skirt. “That’s hard. Care to share? It looks like a serious case of not being able to move on.”

You chuckle at his statement. “I guess it is since we didn’t have proper closure.”

“Now, that’s complicated,” Kise hums as if he had not kissed you just minutes ago. “But it seems like you don’t seek closure.”

“Do I look like someone who’ll not be able to move on for years?” You sigh and Kise shakes his head.

“You look like you want to get back with him.”

An hour or two of just talking about your exes, you finally say goodbye to Kise. You feel in ease after talking to someone about your situation. Admitting that you are still into Kita is painful but you needed to let it out.

You head to Alisa’s house, where you dropped Rice off. You talk about your date for a while before you head back home. Your driver picks you up just outside Alisa’s apartment. Rice settles on your lap, comfortably sleeping. And then your heart sinks thinking about your dog.

Rice has changed his job from running in the fields to carry Kita’s towel to walking around the office to get paperwork for you. He’s a hardworking dog whose happiness comes from your smile.

Rice works hard. He has a schedule he follows like its a ritual. He’s caring. He’s smaller from other dogs but his dominance shows. He’s loyal to you. He loves you more than anyone in this word.

Rice is your little Kita.

Aside from you and Kita, Rice had a hard time coping up with your separation. The first month, Rice wasn’t able to eat properly since he missed Kita. You thought that a year would make him forget about Kita, but no.

Rice grabs a random towel every morning then head to the front door, a habit he picked up from going with Kita to the farm almost every day. He waits for Kita at the door every night. Every time you go for a drive and pass by a field, he barks and wags his tail excitedly.

It was painful to watch Rice long for Kita. Because unlike you who can speak and let your emotions out, Rice can’t. All he can do is do the same thing over and over again every day and night, until Kita finally shows up at the door. You both are.

“Do you miss your dad?” You ask Rice and he sits up excitedly. He stands on his back legs and his front paws are on your chest, giving you kisses all over your face. “I miss him, too.” As Rice whimpers from the word dad, an idea comes into your mind.

You know you’ll regret the idea, maybe you’ll even hate yourself for it, but you’ve already risked enough for Kita. So just go all the way. Take that fall. How much damage can be done?

“Head to the airport,” you say to your driver. He looks at you questionably but follows your order anyways. You call your secretary and tell her to book a flight going to Kobe and send a copy of Rice’s papers to travel.

As you arrive at the airport, the staff of the airline company you booked in assisted you and Rice to the plane. You turn your phone off, not wanting to receive any messages or calls from anyone. Checking the time, you realize it’s already 10PM, so you’ll be arriving at Kita’s house around 1AM.

You don’t care. You’ll wake him up. Kita needs to hear what you’ve been wanting to tell him for a year.

The flight to Kobe is fast, considering that you fell asleep in the plane due to the alcohol you drank prior to this sudden flight. Rice is dead asleep in his carrier. You take a cab going to Kita’s far. Your heart is pounding way too hard that you can feel your brain vibrating. You want to back out but you’re already too late. The driver has dropped you off the familiar house.

Rice barks at the door, thrilled to be home. You stand there for 10 minutes with still no response. Finally, you hear footsteps coming to the front door. The door finally slides open, revealing the man you’ve been longing for the most.

“(Y/N)?” Kita asks in confusion. Rice jumps to him, and Kita picks him up excitedly but unsurely. “I thought I was hearing things. Why are you here? At 1AM?”

“I was thinking of you.”

“(Y/N) I-”

“No. Let me finish. I’m not sure if you still like me or not, or if you’re dating someone. But I want you to know that I have forgiven you from the whole Ayako incident. I don’t care anymore about what happened to two of you that day. I also don’t mind if you didn’t have feelings for me that time. But I just want to say that I loved you from the moment I saw you in that video. Maybe I still love you until now. And I’ve been thinking of you every day, every moment ever since I met you. I love you so bad that if you ask me to marry you right now, I would. But I know you wouldn’t so it’s okay. I’m willing to give you my whole life. But I’m not asking you to like me back again or-” you ramble, your mind not even thinking of the words that’s coming out of your mouth.

“(Y/N).” Kita stops you, his voice sounding serious.

“Yes?” You’re preparing yourself to be rejected. You have been expecting it since you decided to book a flight going to him. But at least you’ve told him everything you wanted. You can live in peace, knowing that you have nothing left to regret.

“Can we sleep first?” Kita deadpans and your heart flutters, instead of hurting. He’s still the same person you fell in love with, the same man who broke your heart and changed your whole life.

“Yeah. Sorry,” you apologize, unsure of what to do next. “I’ll call a cab. Sorry for disturbing you. I won’t bother you ever again. I’ll take my leave.”

“No. No. You sleep here.” His words came out as an order, not a suggestion, so you just agree.

“Really? I feel guilty for showing up at 1AM. I really don’t mind leaving,” you try to argue, but Kita takes your hand and brings you inside. You then notice that Rice is already inside of the house, his eyes begging you to go sleep.

“Yeah, you should stay here. We have a wedding to plan tomorrow after all.”

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note: was in a good mood so :>

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readyplayerhobi · 4 years ago

Text

Flower | 40 | End

; Hoseok x Reader

; Genre: Fluff, angst

; Word Count: 6.9k

; Warnings: Slight anxiety attack, mentions of panic, slight body issues

; Synopsis: You finally decide to take a dip into the world of online dating and find the Flower dating app. One of the top matches for you proves to be a guy who looks to be your complete opposite; tattooed, pierced, a metalhead and oh…incredibly handsome. What happens when you throw caution to the wind and reach out to him?

; A/N: So...this is it 😢 Flower is officially over! I started writing this on November 15th, 2019. Almost a year later, here we are with 40 chapters, 3 drabbles and 180k of words. Can you believe I actually finished it? I hope you’ve all enjoyed reading it and the journey of the MC finding herself and falling in love with Hoseok. It’s been so fun to write and it’s sad to let it go. If you’ve enjoyed reading this, please let me know with a comment or an ask! I’ve loved reading how much you’ve all felt seen or embraced by the MC with her struggles and I’d love to hear your thoughts on not only this chapter but the whole fic! Feedback is what keeps authors going and I came very close to leaving writing once Flower was finished but I’m still going to carry on. I’m not sure if this chapter is good or not, but I hope you enjoy it anyway and think it a fitting end to the story!

; Flower Masterpost

“Okay...okay. Let’s do this...you can do this. It’s easy. Just...walk down the aisle. I mean, what’s the worst that could happen? Well, Hoseok could not be there or I could have a heart attack and drop down dead. That would suck. But it would resolve a lot of my issues, I wouldn’t have to worry about everyone watching me. On the other hand...I’m going to marry the love of my life. As long as he turns up” The soft sounds of your muttering are probably barely heard over the soft playing music through the speakers in the room, YouTube playing mindlessly to itself.

It was a good job, as it meant that no one else in the room could hear your panicked thoughts that were being verbalised. Hoseok and you had decided to get married at an exquisite mansion hotel with the ceremony itself being in the elegant gardens outside. There was a full-sized maze alongside a stunning fountain, the centrepiece being a marble depiction of Aphrodite rising from the shallows.

You’d taken a walk around the perfectly groomed gardens the night before, taking in all the decorations that you’d painstakingly picked out over the months that had been artfully arranged by the staff. The flowers in the gardens were beautiful, a smorgasbord of pinks, oranges, violets, reds and yellows that brought the whole area to life. Alongside it looking visually perfect, it also smelled amazing as well with the soft scent of different flowers mixing.

At night, the tiny fairy lights that had been strung up around the building front and the metal trellises that were organised in the garden gave off a soft, golden glow. It made the whole place look ethereal and you were excited for everyone else to get to see it during the reception tonight.

The actual wedding ceremony was scheduled to start at two in the afternoon, with only friends and family invited for that. It would be outside as well, with Hoseok and you standing at the end of a make-shift aisle on the lawn section of the hotel’s garden. Temporary chairs had been arranged on both sides for your guests, dark wood with ivory silk draped over everyone. At the end of the aisle, each chair had a silk bow in ivory and deep purple alongside a bouquet of specially arranged flowers.

It all looked perfect and you’d marvelled at it yesterday, amazed that they’d managed to bring your vision to life. Now all you had to do was walk down it and get married, which was where you were a little panicked.

The room that had been assigned to the bridal party was on the lower floor of the hotel, reducing the risk of you potentially killing yourself by tripping over your dress while walking down the stairs. It was technically two hotel rooms connected through a shared bathroom, which you found bizarre.

Your mom and Hoseok’s mom had taken the other room for their use to get changed, the hairdresser and makeup artist they’d hired working there to make them look their best for the ceremony. Even now, you could hear them chattering and laughing away with each other. Even through your anxiety, you can’t help but smile as you hear them get on so well.

Any fears you’d had about them not liking each other had quickly disappeared. Instead, they’d become good friends and liked to meet up now and then to have a talk over coffee or something. It pleased you to see your mom getting to have more friends.

Eden and Amelia had also chosen to get ready in that room, not wanting to crowd the one you were in too much. It was already full of dresses and a ridiculous amount of makeup and hair product with only four of you so you couldn’t even imagine the chaos with five of you.

In your room was Soyeon, Chungha and Dahyun alongside you. Dahyun was currently three months pregnant, having successfully been inseminated with Jungkook’s sperm. He’d agreed to their request and after a few months of getting prepared for the attempts, Dahyun had undergone the procedure. What it had been exactly, you didn’t know because you hadn’t felt it was your business to pry into something like that.

It was a privilege to even know they were trying before anyone else. Their announcement had come at your bachelorette party when Dahyun had refused alcohol, immediately leading Soyeon and you to be suspicious. You’d never seen Chungha’s beloved ever turn down a drink so it had been a clear sign of something at least.

Needless to say, your party had happily become a celebration of their impending baby. Thankfully, you weren’t one of those people who got overly annoyed at others announcing things at events. Or at least, not big events. Your bachelorette party had been a perfect time to find out, whereas you might not have been so amenable if they’d told everyone today instead.

That was normal though, right? Today was your day. Yours and Hoseok’s. People who felt the need to co-opt special days like that were a special type of self-absorbed in your opinion.

Given it was so early into her pregnancy, Dahyun isn't showing that much. Which meant her bridesmaid dress hadn’t needed to be altered too much. None of them has gotten into their dresses just yet, instead currently in the process of getting their face and hair done. Chungha’s hair has already been done, elegantly styled into a beautiful updo with a few tendrils curled around her face.

The makeup for the girls was a smokey eye with subtle blush and contour, alongside a neutral lip. It wasn’t anything flashy, but you’d loved the concept of it all. Particularly with the small and delicate crystals that dotted along their waterline, adding a little sparkle to match the tiny crystals on their deep violet dresses.

As a present to each of them, you’d bought them a gift set from Pandora. In each one was a pair of dainty stud earrings with a heart design alongside a matching heart-shaped pendant necklace. All the hearts were encrusted with brilliant-cut stones, making the perfect gift that could be used again in the future for casual use.

They’d all been in awe of it and surprised at being given presents as well. You hadn’t even known it was a thing until you’d looked up wedding preparation online, discovering that you should also buy something for Hoseok. Which had led to you buying him the fancy watch he’d been drooling over for months now. It had been eye-watering expensive, but it had been worth it for his excited text this morning.

Along with the watch, you’d also written him a letter. It was meant to be light-hearted and fun, but you’d ended up writing way too much as you’d poured out your love to him alongside everything you felt for him. To your eternal embarrassment, you’d ended up crying while writing it as you’d told him everything you’d never been able to vocalise, including writing possibly a million times that you love him.

He’d been instructed to not read that until just before the ceremony.

His present to you was a gaming table, which might not seem to be very sentimental to anyone else but you’d been ecstatic over it. For years now, you’d been saying that you wanted to buy a proper table that was designed for board games and that could then be used as a normal table when converted. They were super expensive so you’d resigned yourself to never getting one, but he’d printed out the receipt of what he’d ordered and put it into an envelope for you to open tonight.

Neither of you had ever been a traditional couple, and that certainly wasn’t about to change with marriage.

“Hey, you okay?” Amelia asks, interrupting your intense thought process as she sits down next to you. As usual, her aura is warm and reassuring as she reaches over to gently squeeze at your hand. You don’t spend a huge amount of time around her, but you knew both Eden and her enough to want them in your bridal party.

“Yes? No? Maybe? I don’t know. I’m just…” Trailing off, you struggle to find the right words and instead gesture towards the air. It makes no sense but you can’t quite figure out what you’re trying to say. Mainly because you can’t figure out what your mind is thinking.

“It’s okay to be worried, don’t feel like you shouldn’t be. If you’re anxious or nervous then that’s okay as well. Don’t let anyone tell you how you should be feeling, just feel what you are. Trust Hoseok, trust yourself and all your family and friends. We’re all here for you and we want you to have the best day possible. Tell us if anything is wrong, okay? I have no doubt that Chungha and Soyeon would strong-arm everyone into whatever was necessary to make you feel comfortable.” She says, smirking as she nods over to the two women who are chattering away in their respective chairs.

“I know, I know. I’m trying. It’s just...god, everyone is going to be staring at me and I hate being the centre of attention,” Looking down at your hands, you chew at your lips. “What if I mess up the vows? Or I freeze or drop the ring?”

“Hey, it’s normal to feel that. I doubt there’s anyone who’s gotten married who wasn’t at least a little bit anxious about messing something up. Yes, everyone is here to watch you, but they’re for Hoseok too. I’m sure he’s just as worried that he might make a mistake, and if you do then, so what? It’s not going to ruin anything, it just means your human. If anything, people will probably find it endearing. The only person you should concern yourself with is Hoseok, and I doubt there’s anything you could do today to ruin the day for him. Unless you don’t go.” Amelia laughs when you give a shocked gasp, jaw-dropping open and eyes wide.

“I would never do that! But what if he decides he doesn’t want to get married anymore?” Now the worry that had wiggled itself deep inside your mind comes to the fore and you find yourself almost whispering the words. It feels like a betrayal to Hoseok for even thinking he’d do that, but you can’t help the fear.

You must not have been quite enough though as Chungha speaks up, facing you in her chair with a stern expression on her face as she wags her finger. “Lady, do not think that. I don’t want that thought to even enter your head. As if Jung Hoseok is ever going to back out now. I think that man would’ve eloped with you if you’d asked instead. He’s going to be standing at the end of that aisle, probably bawling like a baby.”

“Maybe not that far.” This is from Eden, who’s laid out on the bed in the centre of the room, playing Zelda on her Switch. She’d had her makeup done earlier and is now waiting for the hairdresser to be free while Amelia is waiting for her makeup. All of you had decided that you’d be last to get ready to make sure that everything looked as fresh as possible.

“Want to bet? That man is gonna be sobbing.” This starts up a whole ten-minute discussion about whether or not Hoseok was going to cry at seeing you. Namjoon hadn’t cried but Jimin had during their weddings, surprising no one. But Namjoon had cried at the birth of his daughter.

You weren’t sure, to be honest. Hoseok didn’t cry all that often and you could probably count on one hand how many times you’d seen it over four years. On top of that, you weren’t entirely sure that you wanted to see him crying. It made your chest hurt when he did and you always ended up crying too.

Something about seeing strong and proud men cry was just heartbreaking to you.

For a while, you just sit back and let the conversation wash over you as they all debate and borderline argue, intensely amongst themselves. They’d all switched around now and they’ll soon start getting into their bridesmaid’s dresses, which meant you’d be finally getting ready.

Your nails had been done the night before with a beautiful design in the same colour scheme as the wedding. They looked so pretty and elegant, which was a surprise to you every time you looked at them as you never really bothered doing your nails. While you liked to do fancy makeup looks now and then to post onto social media, nails were not something you were interested in.

Maybe you should reassess that thought.

“Anyway, what we’re all trying, and failing, to say is that Hoseok loves you and if he doesn’t cry then he’s crying inside at how beautiful you are.” Soyeon states firmly, sitting next to you and admiring your nails as well. All the bridesmaids had the same style to keep the theme going and she wiggled her fingers with a bright smile.

“I’m not even ready yet, you don’t know if I’ll be beautiful.”

There’s dead silence in the room after the comment, with even the hairdresser and makeup artist turning to stare at you. Between the six other women in the room, you’re pretty sure that they’ve got every emotion from shock to annoyance to incredulity covered. Feeling yourself get warm at their attention, you look down to your lap in embarrassment.

Obviously, the wrong thing to say.

“Okay, we’re going to ignore that you just said that. You don’t need to be dolled up and in a wedding dress to be beautiful, it’s just going to enhance what you already have. And I don’t want any arguments on that.” Poking your side lightly, you playfully wince at Soyeon as she scolds you. Everyone else is nodding along solemnly before they carry on with whatever they’d been doing.

“Seriously though, I overheard your conversation with Amelia. She’s right. Embrace your feelings but don’t let them overwhelm you. Standing in front of a crowd is nerve-wracking for anyone, but you’ve got the love of your life standing there with you. Just focus on Hoseok, he’ll get you through it. He always has, right?” Soyeon said.

Giving her a half-smile, you nod and do a remarkably good job of looking like a scolded child or something. You know it’s just because she loves you that she doesn’t want you to berate yourself, along with the fact that she knows what you’re like. If someone doesn’t verbally acknowledge your problems then you’ll just obsess over them.

Your phone screen lights up in your lap before it begins to vibrate suddenly, Hoseok’s name visible on the screen. Frowning down at it, you wonder why he’s calling before a multitude of emotions and thoughts runs through your mind.

“Go take it in the bathroom.” Pulling you up, Soyeon practically pushes you into the bathroom before giving you a smile and a thumbs-up as she closes the door.

Seeing the other door is also open, you peek out and let everyone in that room know that you’d be using the bathroom for a few minutes and to not come in. Once you get the acknowledgement, you close and lock it as well before pushing up to sit on the counter.

“Hobi! Why are you calling?” Leaning back against the mirror, you frown deeply as you question him. The first response is just his familiar deep chuckle, the sound already helping to soothe some of your frayed nerves.

“Amelia texted Joon, who told me. I don’t want you to stress yourself out! Not today, today’s meant to be a happy day. No stress. Or anxiety.” Snorting, you roll your eyes as you trace an invisible design onto your thigh.

“Sure, like that’s gonna happen. You know me. And why are you calling? We’re not meant to see each other until the wedding, it’s bad luck!” There’s a brief pause and you can practically hear him rolling his eyes, the deep sigh he lets out telling you all you need to know.

“Meeps, I’m pretty sure that only counts for physically seeing each other. I can’t see you right now. I don’t recall anything about not being allowed to hear you, or talk to you. Besides, we make our luck.” He sounds so nonchalant and now it’s your turn to sigh at him.

“You’re going to get us hit by lightning or something.”

“Impossible, the weather schedule for today is meant to be sunny with a little bit of cloud later on. Nice warm temperatures that aren’t too hot but also not too cold. Perfect. No lightning.” His immediate rebuttal has you laughing, unable to stay mad at him for too long. Not when he’s trying so hard to take your mind off things.

“Seriously though, are you okay? What are you worried about? Talk to me.” Hoseok asks, his voice calm and steady as he stops joking around. There’s a brief moment of resistance, the thought that you don’t want to bother him with your silly thoughts or annoying emotions before you remember that you can trust him. No matter how ridiculous it sounds in your head, Hoseok will listen and he won’t make fun of you.

“I’m just...scared. Of all the people. Like, they’re going to be watching me or staring. What if I look fat or ugly? Or I fuck up saying the vows? Or I drop the ring or my dress splits or something? Or if I trip down the aisle?! Or if you decide you don’t want to marry me anymore?” As you begin to reel off the questions that have been plaguing your mind, you can feel your chest getting a little tighter and your breathing shallower.

With the practised ease of someone who’s dealt with your panic attacks over the years, Hoseok makes calming and reassuring noises over the phone until you’re silent. Just listening to him, you take in the comforting words as he lets you know that you’re okay and everything is fine. Finally, once he thinks you’re calm enough, he carries on.

“Meeps, that’s fine. Don’t be upset that you’re having those thoughts. I’ve had every one of those thoughts today as well. I mean...not the dress one. Substitute that for pants splitting or something, which is even more embarrassing because my underwear is not black today. But the point I’m trying to make here is that it’s normal to have those thoughts today. I’d probably be more worried if you weren’t having them.” He pauses to laugh before you hear shuffling noises.

There’s no doubt he’s probably not even getting into his tuxedo just yet and you curse the fact that men take far less time to get ready than women. He’ll probably only start like...an hour before the ceremony begins or something.

“But all I’ll say is, it doesn’t matter if anything goes wrong because we’ll fix it. You and me, just like always. You won’t look fat or ugly because you’re neither fat nor ugly anyway, instead, you’ll be the most beautiful woman here. Which you always are to me but don’t let my mom hear me tell you that. And I’m going to be standing at the end of the aisle, I promise you that. I’m the one who proposed to you and I will be there, waiting for you. That’s one thing I can assure you of completely.” Hoseok says this firmly, his voice perhaps more serious than you’ve ever heard it before.

You can practically feel his determination to make you understand that he’s going to be there. That he’s going to marry you today, no matter what happens. It makes your heart swell with love and emotion, causing you to press your hand against your mouth.

Hoseok takes your silence as a positive, choosing to let it carry on for a little longer before speaking once more.

“I love you, Meeps. And by the end of today, you’re going to be my wife. We’re going to have a great day with a beautiful ceremony and a fun reception before probably going to bed drunk. Or at least, I’m going to be drunk. Not entirely sure if I’ll be able to take you to Poundtown tonight-”

“Don’t ever say that again.”

“But if not tonight then definitely tomorrow. Unless you don’t want me to drink, in which case probably tonight if you’re up for it.” Shaking your head, you can’t help but smile at his stupid comments. He always knew how to cheer you up, even if it was with the most ridiculous thing you’d heard today.

“You can drink, I’m not going to make you sober throughout the entire reception. I want you to have fun with everyone, so if you end up drunk then that’s fine. Just don’t go overboard.”

“Choosing to ignore my Poundtown comments, I see.”

“Jung Hoseok, I am going to hang up now. I will see you later, okay?”

“Okay. Love you.” Feeling a little shy, you murmur your next words into the phone.

“Love you too.”

The ceremony is officially about to start and you stare at the open door, knowing that outside all your guests are waiting. Not only that, but Hoseok is at the end of the aisle. You’d been reassured by everyone there who had peeked out to make sure, quelling your fears and worries.

All the groomsmen had come inside upon finding out you were here, lining themselves up alongside their specified bridesmaid partners and chatting away happily. They all looked incredibly handsome in their suits, the colours matching the bridesmaids perfectly and you felt a little pride at having thought of a good colour scheme.

Your mom is fussing around you, making sure that your dress looks perfect and that your bouquet hasn’t fallen apart or anything. Sighing, you gently push her hands away as she tries once more to move your necklace.

All of them had given you something as part of the tradition for the bride. Dahyun had lent you a beautiful Cartier bracelet, glowing with diamonds, as part of the ‘something borrowed’ while Chungha had bought you diamond earrings for the ‘something new’. Your mom had given you the bracelet she’d worn for her wedding, now occupying your other wrist and Hoseok’s mom had provided the necklace adorning your neck.

It was a beautiful silver necklace with a dainty leaf design, leading to the main piece in the centre which was dotted with tiny diamonds. Each leaf spreading out had either amethyst or an aquamarine gem in alternating order. She’d ordered it specially made for your wedding, matching your engagement ring with the gems and fulfilling the ‘something blue’.

You’d been amazed at everything they’d given you, understanding now why they’d all told you now to buy any jewellery for the day. They’d all decided to make sure you had everything you needed anyway.

But you knew that your mom’s need to keep straightening out your dress or brushing away unseen dust was just to keep herself preoccupied. She’d already cried once when you’d come out in your wedding dress, makeup and hair all done. That had earned her an exasperated sigh from the makeup artist.

“Mom, mom, come on,” You coo to her, smiling before taking her hands and squeezing. “You gotta go out there, go get your place.”

She hesitates for a moment, unwilling to leave you before nodding. After a few words of reassurance from her to you, telling you that you’re going to do well and it’s all going to go fine, she turns and hugs your dad tightly before kissing him. You’d feel embarrassed at the sight of it, never quite being comfortable with your parents' displays of affection, but it just causes you to laugh softly.

Once she’s out the door, you hear the music begin from outside, the notes flowing through the door faintly. Everyone inside quietens and you can almost feel the excitement ramp up. It just makes you feel more nervous though, particularly when they start to head out in their pairs slowly.

“Are you ready?” Your dad asks, his eyes already going glassy with tears as his lip wobbles slightly. Giving him a concerned look, you immediately reach up to wipe the tears as they start to fall, feeling your heartbreak at the sight of your dad crying. He never cried.

“Dad! Don’t cry, oh my god. I’m sorry.” Cleaning up his face quickly, you’re stopped by the gentle way he grasps your wrists. For a moment, you think that he’s going to push you away but instead, he pulls you closer and carefully hugs you.

It’s a little awkward as you’re trying not to ruin the carefully done hair and makeup, but you can’t deny your dad a hug. Especially when you’d never really been much of a hugger growing up. You would be cruel to deny him one, especially on your wedding day. Your parents were feeling emotional that their little girl was getting married today.

“It’s okay, sweetheart. It’s just your old dad getting sappy. You look so beautiful. Hoseok is so lucky, you better remind him of that every day.” He’s pulled back now, giving you the softest smile that is still a little watery. His hands move to your shoulders and he stands back to examine you fully, his eyes taking in everything.

Before you can respond to him, Yoongi is disappearing out of the door and heading towards the aisle. He’s alone, as you’d planned, but in one hand is the bouquet that Hoseok’s sister would’ve held had she still been alive. It had been his suggestion to hold it, symbolising the family member that Hoseok didn’t have anymore and you’d been more than willing to agree.

You wondered what Hoseok thought when he saw it as neither of you had told him that Yoongi would be holding it. Hopefully, he was happy with it, along with his parents.

Turning back to you, your dad squeezes your shoulders reassuringly before smiling at you. Ironically, all it does is make you more nervous as you realise that now you’re the one who’s going to have to walk down that aisle next.

“Come on, it’s time to make your fiancé cry.” His words in a teasing tone, your dad turns to face the door before offering you his arm. Standing there, you stare at him before looking at the door with trepidation. Nerves roil in your stomach as you hear the faint sound of music playing, knowing that everyone out there is waiting for you.

Which in turn means everyone will be staring at you.

Those nerves quickly turn to anxiety and your breath comes faster, chest feeling a little constricted by the tight bodice of the dress. Without even realising it, your hands start to shake and the bouquet in them shudders visibly.

Quickly, your dad takes the bouquet from you to make sure that you don’t accidentally deflower them or crush the stems. The last thing you needed was to ruin your perfect bouquet only minutes before you were supposed to walk down the aisle.

It frees up your hands and you find yourself flapping them as you stress, trying to shake out the negative emotions as you pant. Your dad’s eyes widen, obviously panicking himself at your obvious distress. He’s never had to deal with you struggling like this before and he doesn’t know what to do but his paternal instincts kick in quickly.

“Hey, come on, sweetheart. Breathe, breathe. Take a big breath in, come on, that’s it. Not let it out slowly. And again, that’s right.” Talking to you in his comforting voice, tone level and low, you follow his instructions and start to feel a little calmer as you force yourself to calm your breathing. It’s hard, and you still feel the anxiety but it feels a little more manageable now.

Closing your eyes, you run through all the tips your therapist had given you for how to cope with anxiety attacks. What worked for you was to sing in your head, the lyrics, whatever song you were loving lately. It probably takes longer than you’d have liked but finally you feel like you can cope with your emotions enough to carry on.

When you open your eyes again, your dad is giving you an expectant, yet worried, look. Shaking your hands once more, you reach out and take the bouquet from him before taking a deep breath. Linking your arm through his, you straighten your shoulders and lift your chin before smiling at him.

“Okay, okay. Let’s go.”

Walking down the aisle is surprisingly less stressful than you’d imagined. The famous wedding song plays through the air as you walk slowly and the whole atmosphere feels almost like a fairytale. The soft lights twinkle even in the daylight while the gentle, warm breeze makes the ribbons on the chairs flutter delicately.

Along the floor, the white and purple rose petals that Namjoon’s daughter had spread in her role as flower girl were strewn haphazardly. A few of them caught the breeze and rolled delicately to a new place, making it seem like the floor was consistently changing. You liked it, smiling at the sight of how beautiful everything looked.

Everyone was staring at you, as you’d expected, but surprisingly it wasn’t as intimidating as you’d thought. You didn’t exactly enjoy it but it wasn’t terrible. Probably because you were more focused on initially admiring how perfect everything looked. How months and months of thought and money had finally accumulated into the perfect wedding.

But mostly, you weren’t as bothered by the staring because you were focused on the end of the aisle. There was no real altar here, given that it was being held at a hotel and everything, but the metal garden arch at the end had been decorated in delicate flowers, ribbons and lights to make an even better end.

And beneath it stood Hoseok.

If you’d ever thought Hoseok looked handsome before then it paled in comparison to him today. His black tuxedo made him look tall and slim, every part of him looking perfectly put together and elegant. The deep purple waistcoat beneath his jacket contrasted with the white of his shirt perfectly; the colour combination making his skin almost glow with health and happiness.

There was only the slightest hint of tattoos at the edge of his collar, leaving to the imagination the artwork he had permanently on his body beneath his clothes but you didn’t need to imagine. You’d seen them all, traced them delicately into your memory over the years until you could point out where they were without even seeing them.

Finally reaching him, you paused to look at your dad and gave him a bright smile of gratitude before giving him a second hug. This one was a little tighter than before and when you let go of him, you saw that he was crying once more. He didn’t give your hand to Hoseok, instead just gave him a stern look while trying to surreptitiously wipe away his tears.

“You look after her, Jung Hoseok. You make sure she’s the happiest woman.” There’s iron in his voice, telling Hoseok that it wasn’t a question but more a command. But there’s also love and affection in it, something Hoseok can tell as well by the way he nods his head.

Handing your bouquet to Chungha, you take Hoseok’s proffered hand. Up close, you can take in the details of his face better and you take a moment to simply admire him and imprint him into your memory.

The sides of his head had been shaven, the undercut short and seen with the style he’d chosen to wear today. His hair had been styled back, pushed away from his forehead. It was a look that had made you weak in the knees many times over the years and you’d practically begged him to have it for the wedding, knowing that he’d blow everyone’s mind with how handsome he looked.

Hoseok had a face that looked like it had been hand-carved by the gods from the finest marble anyway and this hairstyle showed off all the highlights of his face. The high cheekbones that made his smiles so animated, his cutting jawline, the clean slope of his nose, the heart-shaped smile that lit his entire face and the dimples that made him seem so human.

His lip ring was still in, the silver shining in the sunlight. He’d been unsure whether to wear it but you’d told him to embrace himself and keep it. You’d fallen in love with him as he was, and you wanted him to show himself how you saw him. Which included his piercings and tattoos.

Your heart clenched though when you looked into his eyes finally. Hoseok’s eyes were one of your favourite things about him. The crescents they turned into when he smiled brightly, pushed into the shape by his cheeks and the way his eyes could practically dance with delight when he was happy.

Today though, those beautiful and expressive eyes were watery with tears. The wet streak on his cheek told you that he’d already had some of them fall and you frowned at the sight of them. Everyone had been right; Hoseok had cried upon seeing you down the aisle.

“Baby.” You whisper, unsure if you’re meant to talk to him. Deciding you don’t care, you reach up to wipe away the tears and smile when he kisses the palm of your hand before nuzzling into it, uncaring of everyone else.

“Meeps, you look perfect. I read your letter, I love you too.” Before you can stop him, he’s leaning forward and pressing a quick kiss to your lips. There’s a murmur in the crowd, alongside some laughter and he looks over at everyone with a raised brow.

No one says anything though and he gets a satisfied look, ignoring your shy expression as you turn away from everyone.

“You’re not supposed to do that.” Keeping your voice low, you give a hesitant smile to the official who will be taking you both through your ceremony. Hoseok lets out a snort of laughter as he squeezes your hand tight, letting his thumb run along the back of your hand lovingly.

“I don’t care. It’s our wedding, I’ll do what I want.” And before you can stop him, he turns you and gives you another kiss, this one lingering a little longer. Eyes widening, you can’t help but giggle as you hear yet more laughter.

You should be annoyed at him, but you know he’s a force of nature. Plus, you don’t care. It feels nice to know he can’t help himself.

“Okay, let’s get married, Meeps.” He grins at you before facing the officiant once more. Staring at him a moment longer, you smile at him and nod.

“Let’s get married.”

Hobi Hobi,

We’re getting married today! Are you excited? I hope you’re reading this when I told you to, if not then you’re cheating >:[ it feels weird to write a letter. I don’t even know if I’ve ever done this before, so I’m sorry if it sounds really cheesy and lame. What do people write in these normally? I’m just going to write what comes to mind so if it ends up sappy then you’re not allowed to tease me later about it.

Anyway, I want you to know that I’m sorry that I suck so much at telling you how I feel and my emotions. I wish I could be one of those people who’s telling you every moment how handsome you are and how much I love you but I can’t. I’m sorry :( I’m trying, I swear! Even if I don’t get to tell you as often as you deserve, I hope you know that I love you more than anything in the world.

Don’t ever forget that, okay? Even when we’re arguing over something silly or we go to bed mad at each other, don’t forget that. I know we’re pretty good at talking things out but there’s always that chance that we could have a big blowout. So I want you to remember that I love you.

I’m still not entirely sure what I did to deserve you, but I don’t regret sending you that message. If anything, I think I should send the Flower team a big bunch of flowers or something for creating the algorithm that brought you up as a match. Imagine if it hadn’t and I’d just deleted the app, we’d have never met and I’d still be lonely and sad.

But we did meet, and I took a chance on you by sending you that embarrassing message. And then you took a chance by actually meeting up with me and going on that date. I still remember it, and I don’t know if I ever told you but I still have the ticket for the escape room. I know you still have yours in your wallet :) Thank you for giving me your time, even if I wasn’t your type. I hope I’m your type now.

I’m not sure that I will ever be able to tell you how important you are to me. Not only myself but my life. You’ve helped me to embrace myself and learn to love myself over the years through kindness. I know my limits in terms of my mental health now and you’ve helped to support me with the medication and the therapist. Neither of those were things I’d been comfortable with doing before your encouragement. But you also gave me a safe space to break down in; somewhere that I knew I could be at my most vulnerable mentally without having to risk being hurt even more.

You held me when I cried, you comforted me when I panicked and you calmed my anxiety over the years. I can never thank you enough for helping me to understand that these aren’t deficiencies and I’m not broken. I just need a little help to get through things sometimes. At the same time, I hope that I’ve become that safe space for you as well. I know that you’re not as emotional as I am, but I feel that you’ve opened up to me about things that hurt you. I’ll keep your secrets safe and I’ll always be here for you!

I hope you’re happy with your life now. With me, and our home and our furbabies. I hope you stay happy, and if you don’t then talk to me. Please. I don’t want us to ever realise that we’re making each other unhappy and I don’t want to ever be the reason for negativity. I want to spend the rest of my life with you in our little home, growing old together as we play board games and dote on our animals while you increase your tattoo collection even more. I know that people like to say that they can’t imagine their lives with their significant other, but I really do feel like that.

My life without you would be hollow and monochrome, as you bring colour to my world and fill it with joy and happiness. I’ve never laughed as much as I have these last few years with you and I know we’ll keep that in our relationship if we try hard.

I don’t really know where this letter is going and I’m babbling now. But I guess the main thing is just that I can’t wait to marry you. It may not be very feminist of me but I can’t wait to take your name and be your wife. I can’t wait to call you my husband. I’m going to be terrified in the ceremony and so nervous but I’ll be happy too, I promise! I still can’t believe that you picked me, out of all the women you’ve seen, to be your girlfriend and then decided that you wanted to marry me.

Jung Hoseok, I solemnly swear to treasure you for the rest of your life and make sure you know how much I love you. I might not be able to tell you all that much, but I’ll show you. I’ll make you smile and laugh, I’ll buy you things that make me think of you, I’ll hug you tight and cuddle you until you’re complaining.

So in case it wasn’t obvious enough, I love you. I just want you to know because I know I suck at telling you, like I said. I’m also bad at writing letters but what’s new? I’ll finish this off quickly so you’re not spending too long reading this. Don’t want to make you late for our wedding after all.

I love you. I love you, Jung Hoseok. I love you, Hobi. I love you, I love you, I love you.

Lots and lots and lots of love, your soon to be wife <333333

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mbti-notes · 3 years ago

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Anon wrote: INFP with social anxiety here. I have a therapist but we're focusing on some other issues right now. In the meantime, I was wondering if you had some advice for me. I know you're not a professional (you say that multiple times in your posts) and of course I'm not asking you for a fix for my social anxiety with this - I'm just asking your help to understand what part my cognition could be playing in all of this cause I'm really curious.

Basically, my problem is the time frame right BEFORE I meet someone and, sometimes, immediately after. I don't really have problems socializing in the "middle", if you get what I mean; I'm easily adaptable and once I'm relaxed, once I realize no one is there to attack me, my mind starts getting ideas and I kind of know what to say, even though I'm a bit out of practice and I still have problems convincing other people of my emotions (like, mirroring their emotions so that they know I agree with them and stuff like that; for some reason they never ---believe me when I say it with words).

When I make plans, anyway, and I still haven't met the person, I get this anxiety: like I would rather stay home than go there because it's going to be "boring" and I'm probably going to feel like an idiot or make some sort of social gaffe. I mean, I do kinda get bored after a while anyway, but I also know I tend to overestimate that level of "future boredom" to the point it hurts me to even think about showing up and forcing myself to think of stuff I can-- say.

I get anxious because I start thinking about the way people used to treat me in the past (I've always been the black sheep of my family and/or my social circles and I vividly remember some bad things they used to say to me) and I start worrying that, deep down, they still think of me like that and they're never going to forget that "preconception of my identity" and open their eyes to who I am now, or I guess to who I've always been.

I do realize it doesn't make much sense, this "who I ----really am" part - but I've always had the impression that I was a bit different than the "me" they percieved, maybe because after many, many years of being accused of "selfishness" and "inability to tune in with the emotional atmosphere" I learned that in order not to ruin the "social mood" I should've adapted myself to the group - but the problems is that I suppressed "myself" in the meantime (and with myself I mean, like, my real interests, the things I'd like to talk about for ages without-- having to be interrupted or looked down on because, quote unquote, "ok, cool, but we don't really care").

I understand now that if they don't give me hints of actually caring about the subject I should stop rambling like a fool, but this is making me feel like I have nothing "useful" to offer them and therefore bringing the anxiety I'm struggling with. It makes me scared that I'll never be able to be myself around them because of the "social rules" I want to respect to be accepted, & to make----it worse I'm out of practice like I said before and sometimes it just gets too awkward and I want to get out of there.

I bet I'm doing something wrong because friendships and relationships in general are not supposed to be "boring", am I right? And yet until I don't get distracted by the actual conversation, I feel like it's going to be really boring and uncomfortable and sometimes going through it is SO horrible... most of the time I end up making up some excuse to go home earlier and talk----my internet friends instead (thank God for the internet!!!!). Anyway, thank you if you'll answer! And have a good summer vacation c:

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The first thing I notice is that your thought process bears a very striking resemblance to many INFJs who struggle with social anxiety due to poor Fe development (see past posts). As a general rule, if I have good reason to suspect that someone might be mistyped, I won't provide info about function development until they undergo a proper type assessment. Otherwise, they might adopt the wrong method of improvement.

You say you want to understand what part your cognition plays in the social anxiety you experience, so I will mention the aspects of your cognition that seem most significant:

1) No Chill: You overthink things to an extreme, to the point of self-sabotage, perhaps even creating a self-fulfilling prophecy (i.e. when expecting the negative actually makes the negative happen). Overthinking means that you're not confronting the real obstacle getting in the way of your socializing. You're constantly trying to envision, imagine, or predict what will happen in a social interaction? WHY? What's the point of that overthinking? It's how you avoid confronting your fear head on.

2) Insecure: Your "predictions" are too often faulty because of being tainted by your underlying insecurities. You're insecure about being attacked, being accused, being misjudged, doing something wrong, being deemed of no value or unworthy of care, not being accepted or acceptable, dying of awkwardness, feeling bored, feeling uncomfortable, and on and on. You've described your thought process in detail. But nowhere do I see you confronting your insecurities, digging deeper into them, in order to understand the root of them. Insecurities are a manifestation of fear.

3) Control: Irrational anxiety is oftentimes about trying to control things that you shouldn't be trying to control or cannot have any control over - it wastes mental energy and leads to futile behavior. As long as you're trying to control social situations and their outcome, you are either trying too hard to make reality match up with your expectations or you're fumbling whenever reality unfolds outside of your expectations - you become rigid and frail. You claim to be "adaptable" but everything you say after that only proves you don't know the meaning of the word. You can't handle unpredictability, hence, the attempt to be in control by trying to "predict" everything. Do your attempts to control actually work? Do they help or hinder you? If they mostly hinder you, then isn't it time to change your strategy? Anxious people often believe that having more knowledge or control is the answer to their fear. But, in your case, the huge cost of being controlling is being incompetent. What's worse, the fear is still right there running the show.

4) Unresolved Trauma: You attribute your troubles to your past. Fair enough. Growing up in a social environment that did not respect and appreciate you is painful, even extremely traumatic for certain personality types. It also makes people too hungry for validation. It's natural that you wouldn't want to feel the pain of it again. However, if that pain remains unexamined and unresolved, you will unconsciously keep seeking to resolve it, which means re-enacting the trauma over and over again throughout life. The proof? Every time you meet someone, your first stance is defensive, because the first thing that comes into your mind is that you don't want to be attacked or invalidated. That old pain is running the whole show because you are deeply afraid of experiencing it again, yet you don't realize that YOU are the one calling it back up and rehashing it. What are you doing to resolve the pain rather than indulge the fear?

5) Self-absorbed: Social anxiety makes people too absorbed in their own thoughts, feelings, hopes, and expectations. They are too preoccupied with what they want, what will happen, how they will be perceived, how they might make a mistake, how they might be attacked, etc. This means they're not truly present with people, so the relationship can't really go far. Driven by fear and insecurity, they are always behind a wall, too difficult to reach.

Even if you happen to meet the right people, do you make it easy for them to befriend you? It seems that you can't open up with ease, you can't go with the flow of the other person when they don't live up to your expectations, you can't keep your emotions in check and misjudge situations, you get bored when it's not about you, you run away instead of making things better. Looking at yourself objectively from the outside, would you want to be friends with someone like that?

If you want to have good friends, you first have to BE a good friend. You want care, love, and validation? We all do. The best way to receive it is to be the first to give it. By being more aware of other people's needs and doing more to show that you care about them, you put them in a better position to care about you and meet your needs in return. This is the difference between actively trying to "make" a friend vs passively wishing for a friend to drop into your lap.

Being a friend isn't about what "value" you have, as though you're some kind of object being appraised and sold. Being a good friend is quite a simple matter of putting out the energy to care and show that you care. When you meet someone who's moved by your care, they will care for you in return. When you meet someone who's unmoved by your care, figure out the real reason why, in order to determine whether you should keep trying or put your energy elsewhere.

You never really know who you'll hit it off with. One of my favorite experiences in life is making a friend in the unlikeliest of places. As an adult, meeting new people is a numbers game. All you can do is keep pushing yourself to meet new people. The more people you meet, the greater the odds of clicking with someone. If you're looking to meet like-minded people, go to places that are likely to have people who share your interests. If you don't hit it off with someone, simply move along. You don't have to be friends with everyone, do you?

Yet, you take every little social interaction so seriously that each step is like life or death - that's what makes socializing tiring, laborious, and unfun. Why not enter into every social interaction with an open mind and an open heart? Why not truly go with the flow, without having to undergo the repetitive ritual of predicting what will happen or fussing over what did happen?

6) Poor Emotional Intelligence: This point is the common thread that runs through the previous points, which is why I keep repeating the word "fear". You have extremely low tolerance for negative feelings and emotions, which means you really need to work on learning how to deal with your emotional life better. Any little sign that things won't turn out the way you want and you start to panic, overthink, blame, or flee. Why do you recoil from yourself and your own feelings and emotions? Why are you so easily shaken by boredom, awkwardness, invalidation, failing, other people's negativity, etc? Why do you react so badly to these things (when others just brush it off and keep going)?

7) Low Self-Awareness: It's not enough to just name the fear ("I'm afraid of____"). Does the label explain why you have this particular fear and not some other fear? It's not enough to blame the past ("It's because of ____"). Why did someone else with a similar past as yours not develop this fear? To get to the root of fear, you have to identify, in exact terms:

what aspect of you has to change to overcome the fear

what aspect of your identity has to "die" (i.e. be let go of) in order to evaporate the fear

Until you answer the fear properly, it won't go away.

#social anxiety #anxiety #fear #emotional intelligence #mental health #ask

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behindheremeraldeyes · 4 years ago

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title: the next step is love

summary: Modern AU - It’s Sakura’s birthday, and after the party, she’s left to take care of the mess of dirty plates and glasses. Luckily, she’s not alone, but he can’t really stay forever, right?

a/n: Okay, this story was supposed to have come out way earlier, but I changed the plot so many times that I just couldn’t finish it for her birthday... The original idea was so different, and perhaps, I end up writing it another time when the inspiration strikes again (seriously, it was a nice one). Anyway, I hope you can still enjoy this one! As always, my fluff side took over me and I just had to make something simple and domestic for the Queen’s bday! Hope you enjoy it, and please, let me know what you think! (also, this is un-betta’d. I wanted to post this asap because I’m working on a different project, so... bear with me)

“Thank you for coming! ‘Careful on your way home!”

The sound of the door clicking shut reverberates across her entire apartment, and it only takes one second for that smiley expression to fade from her face. Her right hand is still placed over the door-knob, and for a brief moment, she closes her eyes, letting out a deep sigh in pure contentment. The last guests are finally on their merry way home now, and at last, she can stop worrying about things such as making sure no one’s feeling left out or re-filling toilet paper. Even if they’re all good friends, her perfectionist mind can’t simply allow her to enjoy the night without worrying about those details.

After turning the key, her hand moves to massage the back of her neck, and finally, she sets her toes free from her black heels. A mix of relief and calmness spreads all over her body, as a soft smile takes over her cherry-colored lips. This, perhaps, might be her favorite part of her birthday parties— or any party, for the matter— because, right now, she can finally savor all the things she's prepared for the night. The food, the decoration, the soothing music...

Oh, what a dream, she thinks, at first, before looking around with her lazy eyes and frowning at the scene. If only all of that mess could magically disappear by the time she wakes up tomorrow morning.

A sigh escapes her lungs as she makes her way back to the center of the hurricane that is her living room. Just like last year, she starts wondering why on earth she let Ino convince her to host her own birthday party instead of going out for a couple of drinks like most people do. Though the pinkette really enjoys having her friends over for a couple of hours, she can’t deny that the day after March 28th is probably the most tiring of the year. Sakura knows she's barely gonna get any sleep tonight, and by the time her alarm goes off around 5:30, she will certainly need at least 1 liter of coffee in order to go through her shift without falling asleep.

In theory, she could leave all that mess for tomorrow, sure, but thanks to her cleaning compulsion, that’s not really an option for her.

If only she could be a little more like Naruto...

Still, as she shakes her pink head, Sakura decides there’s no use in thinking about it tonight. That’s a problem for her future-self, and even if she’s probably going to regret that decision in the morning, right now, this is her moment. She can drink a full glass of champagne while eating another piece of her strawberry cake, and the best part is that she can do it all while enjoying the company of the only one whose presence will never be a bother to her.

Once she finally reaches her kitchen, the pinkette is fast to register the dirty dishes laying around the counter. There are way more glasses than the number of people she invited for the party, but for a brief moment, she forgets that she’s the owner of that mess. Her emerald eyes automatically drift towards the sink, and her heart skips a beat at the scene playing in front of her.

Not even in her wildest, teenage-ish dreams would she have ever pictured Uchiha Sasuke doing her dishes after her birthday party. Though she knows she’s the one who’s technically responsible for all of that, it’s inevitable for her to be entertained by how focused he seems to be while attempting to remove that lipstick stain from the cup.

How lovely, she ponders, bitting her lower lip in order to suppress a chuckle.

Too bad she can’t just keep watching him for the rest of the night.

“You know, even if I appreciate both your help and the view, you don’t have to do this, Sasuke-kun.” Sakura says, picking up some of the plates laying around and walking towards the sink. She’s standing by his side now, his tall body towering over hers, almost a head taller. The expression decorating his features remains unaltered, and she notices how he slowly moves to give her some space next to him. “You can go rest, if you want.”

“Do you want me to go leave?” He asks, unaltered, while scrubbing another knife.

“That’s not what I meant and you know it.” She answers, grabbing a piece of cloth to dry the cutlery he has already washed. “I just don’t want you to do something you don’t want just because it’s my birthday or anything like that. It’s fine, really. I can do it alone.”

“Hn, It’s faster if we do it together.” He stops, a sly smirk taking over the corner of his lips as he closes the tap. His eyes are on hers, now, and she can feel her chest warming up in response. “Unless you wanna do it all by yourself.”

“Nope.” She says, promptly, handing him another dirty spoon and he’s quick to resume what he was doing. Her eyes watch the way the water runs through his fingers, and oddly, she can’t help but find that amusing. “If you’re willing to help, who am I to say no, right?”

A giggle escapes her lips when she hears the ‘tch’ that escaped from his lips, and eventually, they fall in a comfortable silence that is only disturbed by the clanking of the dishes touching each other. Every now and then, their fingers brush when he hands her the plates, and though she can still feel the sparks, those simple touches are no longer enough to make her blush in embarrassment as they used to.

His touch is no longer a stranger to her skin. His presence and his warmth have long been registered by her subconscious, marking every cell of her body with his constant presence. It’s been over 5 springs since their childish love finally bloomed into a serious relationship, and by now, both Sasuke and Sakura have grown used to one another. It goes beyond carnal desires or any poor excuse for a casual company, for their hearts share a connection deeper than words could ever describe.

Blame it on the fact that they used to be good friends before or even fate itself, but it’s impossible to deny the fact that they’ve reached the apex of their young love-life, to the point where doing the dishes together feels wholesome in ways neither of them can explain. There’s a sense of domesticity and mutual understanding shared in between unspoken words, and perhaps, that’s why it works so well for them as a couple. Even if they’re very different people, with different routines and personalities, they make it work.

They have enough trust, love and companionship to last for a life-time.

And though that should be enough—hell, that should be more than enough— Sakura can’t help but feel that there’s still something missing.

Something she can’t quite pin-point, but something that makes perfect moments lose their magic, for she knows they just won’t last. Even now, as they’re doing the dishes and making small conversation about how the party went, deep inside, her heart is heavy because she knows that once those dishes are clean, it will all be over and she will be left alone in her apartment before midnight strikes.

No matter how hard she tries, their moments together have their life-spawn shortened by the common laws of the universe, for every time there’s that stupid parting moment in which they both have to go separate ways. It’s painful for her to watch him disappear in the distance, and even if he doesn’t really express it with words, she can see the light in his eyes fading whenever they have to say goodbye. It’s always a new ‘good night’ and never a constant ‘good morning’ for them, and after so long, she’s sick and tired of this.

Perhaps, it’s just her tired-self speaking too loud in her head or even the few drinks she had during the party, but tonight, she doesn’t want the world to stand between them. Tonight, Sakura will break the natural laws, not caring about the consequences of finally taking the next step.

It’s still her birthday, after all. That has to count for something.

Her heart is beating faster now that she has made up her mind, and she realizes that she’s shaking when she picks another fork from his hands. She’s swallowing dry, and if not for the make up in her face, she knows he would be able to see a crimson blush decorating her cheeks. It’s now or never, she thinks. And before she has the chance to talk herself out of it, Haruno Sakura decides to act.

“Uhm... Sasuke-kun.” She starts, her voice shaky as his name slips from her tongue. Clearly, she forgot to think about the proper way of actually saying what she wanted, choosing instead to improvise— something she’s never really been good at. “I was thinking... Why don’t you spend the night here? You don’t have to go home after this.”

“Don’t even think about going to sleep, Sakura. You’re not leaving all of this mess to me.”

“Oi, that’s not what I meant!” She scolded him, a pout taking over her expression. “Shannarou, I just don’t want you to go home all alone at such late hours. Besides, is it wrong for a girl to want to stay with her boyfriend for the night?”

“You pervert.” He smirks, earning an elbow to his ribs in response. For someone so small, it’s undeniable that his girlfriend has some sort of abnormal strength people like her shouldn’t possess.

“Shut up. That’s not what I meant either! I just... I just don’t want you to leave, that’s all.”

Her words come out a little too low, but high enough so that he can hear them. Her voice sounded an octave too-melancholic, and perhaps, that was what made him actually take her offer seriously. “Hn, I guess I could. I don’t have to work tomorrow, so I can go home once when you leave for the hospital.”

“Really?” Sakura starts, a smile now threatening to take over her features. Though she still had to convey her real plan, that was already a win. A small one, but a win, nonetheless. “Well, you don’t have to leave that early if you don’t want to. You can just...stay. Maybe even wait for me to get home from the hospital and then we could eat dinner together.”

“What?” His eyes widen at her idea, and right now, she can’t really tell if his surprised expression is good or bad. “Aren’t you going to stay there until late tomorrow?”

“Well, probably, but you can stay here... is that a problem?”

”It’s not really a problem, but... I just don’t want to abuse your hospitality. It’s still your apartment, Sakura.” He scratches the back of his neck, and she could see that he was truly concerned about his manners. His mother has taught him how to be a gentleman, and even if she loves that about him, right now, she wishes he could let loose and just take her offer.

She bites her lower lip at his words, a puff of annoyance inflating her cheeks at his answer. Her boyfriend’s has never been good at reading her signs, and now, when not even she’s understanding them, the pinkette is starting to freak out.

Things are not going as planned— not that she actually planned anything to begin with. Her head is spiraling as she watches the snow-ball being created by her messy words, and slowly, she can feel her chance slipping through her fingers. If she doesn’t say it now, Sakura’s going to miss her opportunity, and who knows what’s going to happen to them. Will they break up? Will he think she’s not interested in a long-term commitment? Will they never do the dishes again?

No, she’s overthinking again. They have a solid relationship that has been built over the years and she’s not going to ruin it all in one night because she’s acting like a coward. She’s a modern, independent woman. A doctor, damn it. She has done a lot of things that were harder than asking her boyfriend to move in with her.

She can do it. She will do it.

“Sasuke-kun!” Her voice is determined now, her eyes filled with a different fire in them. This is it. No backing out now. “I need to ask you something important. It’s about our future together.”

“Okay... I’m listening.” He states, a little taken aback by her sudden burst. He stops what he’s doing, his dark irises now looking into her emerald ones. They’re holding a certain hope in them, and if anything, she was not expecting him to be paying that much attention to her. She’s feeling pressured by them, intimidated even. Her knees are shaking, her lips are trembling and her mind is suddenly blank.

She can’t do it. Nope. Not with those eyes staring into her soul.

“I-I... I...” Her heart is beating faster, and she feels like it will burst out of her chest any minute now. She’s going to faint, she can tell it.

“What is it, Sakura?”

“I-I...” She swallows, then, sighing as courage escapes her body. The pinkette has chickened out, finally opting for her ever-reliable plan B. “Naruto is an idiot, right?”

“... Yes.” He starts, his brows furrowing in confusion. “But what does that have to do with our future?”

“E-Everything! I mean, did you see how drunk he was tonight? Thank god Sai offered himself to take him home tonight, but we can rely on that forever. As his best friends, we have to do something about it. He lives far from both of us and we need a plan whenever we have a drinking night together.”

A moment of palpable tension grows between them, and right now, she’s sure he can hear her heart beating like crazy inside her chest. I’m an idiot, she thinks, holding back the urge to lower her head and cry. Sakura has just ruined everything, and right now, she’s going to have to pretend to actually care about where Naruto crashes when he’s drunk just so her boyfriend doesn’t think she’s completely crazy.

Ugh, those damn eyes of his. Why do they have to be so *freaking beautiful?

Thankfully, they can also read her like an open book.

“Hn, you’re right.” He says, finally breaking the silence that surrounded them. His voice is calm and understanding, as always, and she can feel her heart settling down at that. If anything, at least, his reaction isn’t bad or anything. “I guess we will have to have a spare room for him when we move in together.”

“Yeah, sure. A spare room when we—“ Her mind stops. Her hands freeze while holding the cloth and her green eyes widen. Her lips part slightly, but no word dares coming out of them.

Did he... Did he just say what she thinks he said?

She doesn’t know what kind of face she’s making right now, but if anything, she’s completely dumbfounded by his words. Sure, it’s not like he’s making a move tonight or anything, but he did say the words, right? Move in together. The three words she was trying so hard to get out of her chest, simply rolled out of his tongue as if it is the most logical thing in the world— and perhaps, it is. He says them in a way as if that decision won’t change their lives forever. As if it won’t affect their routine and the amount of food they have to buy at the grocery store.

It’s a decision that goes beyond a drawer filled with socks or an extra tooth-brush. And even if he sounds as calm as ever, she knows he’s aware of all that, because, if anything, Uchiha Sasuke doesn’t do anything based on impulse. He’s the kind of man who thinks things through and studies every possibility before making a decision.

So that means...

“Sasuke-kun... Are you suggesting that we move in together?”

“Aa.” He nods, no hesitation in his voice. “Weren’t you trying to say the same?”

“I-I... I was?” She says, sounding more like a question, to which he simply quirks an eyebrow in inquiry. If anything, that was not the moment for doubts anymore. “I mean, yes! That was exactly what I was trying to say.”

“Good. Then it’s settled.”

“Is it? Really?” She asks, hope now running through her veins and lighting up her entire system.

“Yes. It’s only natural for people like us, right?”

“Yeah...” He cheeks grow warmer, and her chest suddenly feels lighter. At last, he took the words out of her. “It’s settled, then.”

At last, their days of saying goodbye are counted and now they can enjoy each other from dawn to dusk.

A smile slowly makes its way to her eyes, and she can’t help but switch her attention to him. Sasuke is now looking at her, a soft expression taking over his face. She’s bewildered right now as she looks at the man who will be living with her. Totally and completely marveled, and more in love with him than she has ever been before in her life.

He understands her unsaid words and they share similar ideas regarding their past, present and future.

They are in love, and now, they’re ready to share the same roof above their pretty, little heads.

“You’re still staying with me tonight, right?”

“Tch.You really are a pervert, Sakura.”

He splashes her face with some water from the sink and her giggles fill her kitchen with joy. They’re young and in love, and for now, that’s all they need to take the next step towards their future together.

the end

#Sasusaku #sasusaku fanfiction #Sasusaku fanfic #sasusaku fic #myssfics

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zevlors-tail · 4 years ago

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Rooftops

Pairing: ProHero!Deku x Reader

Description: Sometimes being a Hero isn’t just fighting villains and rescuing people from burning buildings; sometimes it’s battling demons and rescuing people from themselves instead.

Warnings: Suicidal reader, thoughts of suicide, attempted suicide? (reader doesn’t succeed), trauma bonding, mentions of bullying, little bit of touch starvation? Talks of therapy, decision to try therapy.

A/N: I guess you could say I needed to vent some heavy things. PLEASE do not read this if you are triggered by anything mentioned above. Also, I HC that Midoriya never would have gone through with it, but he might have at one point been in the reader’s position, and I wish they would expand on how what Katsuki said and did to him in middle school affected his life more. I will never be satisfied until we get a proper apology from Bakugou and the two of them sort out their feelings about it, bc you KNOW that had to create some trauma. So I guess this might be sort of a fix-it fic? Also, I’m sorry for the ending, it might be cringe, idk. I can’t help but add fluff to everything I write, apparently. I love Best Boi, what can I say?

You breathed in the cool night air as you leaned against the railing, fingers trembling slightly against the rusty metal. Everything seemed so surreal; the noisy traffic below, the people bustling down streets and alleyways, the dimmed apartment lights from the building across... What did any of it matter? In the grand scheme of things, you were just a small spec of the universe observing all these phenomenons, a waste of space taking up time that could belong to something or someone more useful than your sorry excuse of an existence. That’s what you thought, at least.

You leaned a little farther over and rested your chest against the bars of steel. Would anyone miss you if you were to just...disappear? If you dropped everything and left right now, would anyone care? Would anyone cry for your absence? These were questions you had asked yourself over and over again, and each time you had managed to convince yourself that maybe, just maybe, the answer was yes, someone would care. But each time the questions rolled around in your head, it got harder to convince yourself of that. You found doubts in every corner of your mind, in every crack and crevice of your brain that they could slink into. Quiet at first, but now as loud as a siren, they overwhelmed you and made you believe you were worthless. They beat you down, exhausted you, claimed your once happy spirit and soiled it with numbness and apathy. Those doubts were the reason you wholeheartedly believed that you no longer mattered to anyone.

They were also the reason you were twenty stories up in the air on the roof of your apartment building.

Steeling your nerves and taking a deep breath, you let everything sink in. This was what you were waiting for all these years. All of your life had lead up to this single moment; all of your past mistakes, all of your life decisions, all of the lost friends, your job, your family and their snide remarks, your short comings...and all the rest. It didn’t matter. Every time you blinked, every sneeze, every laugh, whether genuine or fake, didn’t matter. Nothing mattered, including you.

Nothing matters, and no one cares.

And with that final thought, you hoisted yourself up and over the railing, limbs heavy with a dull numbness as you planted your feet loosely on the other side. For a second you balanced yourself, arms outstretched behind you to grip on to the bars for one last fleeting sense of security. Just one more step. But even as you moved forward, you found that your hands seemed to tighten their grip on the steel, and suddenly you felt physical panic despite your mind telling you that this was what you really wanted. It seemed your body was defying your mind.

“I don’t think you want to do that.”

Startled, you stumbled back and tightened your hold on the rails until your knuckles turned white. Were you imagining things, or did you just hear a voice? And if so, who was it and what were they doing all the way up here? Whatever their business was though, it surely had nothing to do with you, right? So why were they meddling in your affairs when you just wanted to be left alone? The thought of it was just a little too much, and you found yourself snapping at whoever was behind you.

“Uh, yeah, I think I do.” It came out more spiteful than you meant it to sound. But then, that was just how you were these days...bitter and cold. All the more reason to end everything.

“Please, just come back over here to the other side of the railing. We can talk if you want, or I can just sit with you, or we can listen to music together if that would help?” The stranger’s voice was gentle and pleading, as if he was afraid to break you if he spoke too loud.

“Just leave me alone! Why do you care anyway?” You stole a glance behind you to get a good look at the person trying to talk you down. The first thing you noticed was the green hair, and then the pair of concerned emerald eyes reflecting back at you. Under those were a set of freckles, giving him an overall boyish look, and finally- his costume. You recognized Japan’s Number One Hero, Deku.

“Because I don’t want to see you get hurt...or worse.” His tone was solemn. “I’m sorry, but I can’t just leave you alone up here. Clearly you had one purpose for coming up here, and I’m not going to let you go through with it.”

For a moment, you felt your heart soar at the possibility that someone cared after all. But just as hope was about to take root and bloom within your chest, it seemed that your mind had other ideas to cut the poor blossom out. As fast as the feeling settled, it was gone, and you reminded yourself that this was his job; he was required to help anyone who he thought might be in trouble. It wasn’t like he really wanted to be up here talking to you.

“What the hell do you know about why I’m up here? And anyways...it’s your job to save people. You don’t have to pretend to care about me. It doesn’t matter if you’re the number one hero or not, you’re still going to forget about me some day or another. A week from now you won’t even think twice about me. I’m forgettable. I don’t matter...not really. So please just leave me be. You’re bothering me.” No matter how hard you tried to keep the anger in your voice, you couldn’t help how it faded with each passing second. It was tiring to keep feeling everything and nothing all at once. You wanted it all to just stop.

There was long moment of silence that passed between the two of you, which you took as a sign that you had been right about everything you had just said. Your anxieties and nerves were starting to get to you by then; you were about to really go through with it and had inched forward slightly when he decided to speak again.

“Once, someone told me to take a swan dive off the roof of my old school.” Your breath hitched as you stopped in your tracks. “I know what it’s like not to be wanted or needed by everyone around you. To feel like a failure, like there’s no hope left... Like you’re not worth saving. But even if you really think and believe all those things you said about yourself, just know that I care. And it’s not because it’s my job to, or because I’m a Pro Hero, or because I just happened to be in the area and saw you up here after my shift ended. It’s because at one point in my life, I could relate to where you are now.”

You were left without words for once as you stood there, wind whipping through your hair and eyes focused on nothing in particular. After the initial shock wore off, you finally turned around to face him. You searched his eyes for any trace of deception, anything to prove that maybe he was lying or just trying to get to you, but all you could find was sincere honesty. And Deku, upon seeing you turn around from the edge of the building, seemed to tense for a second before continuing.

“I climbed up to the top of the school roof that day and when I got up there, I just...stared down. All I could think about at the time was making the pain and the numbness go away. But then I thought of my mom’s face when she would hear the news...and I thought of how I would only be a statistic after that- a number, you know, like the ones I recorded every day in my notebook. But I didn’t want that. I had a name that I loved, a mother waiting for me at home, and a dream I was still holding on to. I realized what I really wanted was to prove everyone wrong, to still become the hero I wanted to be as a little boy. And even more than that, I just wanted the pain to stop. I think that’s what people truly want- just to feel better.” He gave you a small smile and offered a hand to you after that, and you swore his eyes were glistening a little if you looked close enough. “I would care if you were gone. I would think about it every day. I don’t even know your name, but your face is already engraved in my mind. I would have made the biggest mistake of my life had I ended things that day; look at where I am now! If I let someone else take away all their future opportunities and potential life experiences knowing that I could have stopped them, knowing that I didn’t offer them the support I desperately wanted when I was going through it, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.”

“...you mean that?” You couldn’t help the tremble in your voice.

“Every word. Please, just come back over to this side and talk to me. Tell me what’s going on in that head of yours. I promise I’ll do my best to help however I can.”

Something pulled at your heartstrings as you listened to him. He had put into words everything you had been feeling these past few months, everything you wanted to express but just couldn’t. Tentatively, you reached out a hand to meet his, and he wasted no time as he wrapped his other arm around your waist and hoisted you back over the railing towards safety and into his arms.

“Oh thank god,” he breathed out. His arm was still wound tight around your waist as he pulled you flush to him and walked you backwards. When the two of you reached the wall of the entryway to the rooftop, he stopped and slid down to the floor with you, a heavy sigh of relief escaping his lips. “Please don’t ever scare me like that again.” You blinked back tears as you leaned into Deku’s tight hug, your arms coming up to wrap around him as well. You couldn’t remember the last time someone had been so loving and caring with you or the last time you had been hugged like this.

“It’s okay, I’ve got you. I’m here.”

That was all it took for the dam inside of you to burst.

Hot tears finally spilled over and soaked Deku’s costume as all the emotions you had been suppressing came back full force. You hid your face in his shirt to try and stifle your cries as much as you could, but it was no use. There was no hiding the turmoil in your soul; all you could do was endure the sadness and frustration while he held you and comforted you. Slowly the reality of the situation started to sink in, and the realization that you almost took your own life hit you full force.

“I...I almost-!” You didn’t have the strength to finish your sentence as you sobbed harder and shook in the hero’s arms. He eventually shifted the two of you around to a more comfortable position and rubbed circles on your shoulder soothingly while you cried, a look of understanding and empathy in his eyes.

“But you didn’t. And you know what that tells me? That despite all those lies you’re telling yourself, there’s still a part of you left that wants to live. There’s still a part of you, no matter how small, that’s holding on to hope that things will get better. Find that feeling deep down inside you, grasp it, and never let go of it. You deserve to exist here. You deserve to be loved. You deserve to wake up each day and live and enjoy life. And I know you probably don’t feel that way right now, but believe me when I say that it’s the truth.” A comfortable silence settled between the two of you as you took a moment to contemplate his words.

“You said we could talk if I wanted to...” you sniffled.

“Sure, we can talk. It doesn’t even have to be about anything in particular. Whatever you want to talk about, I’ll listen.”

So you told him everything. You poured your heart out to someone who was no more than a stranger to you, even if you recognized his face because it was plastered on every poster and broadcasted on every T.V. Even if you knew who Deku was, the person behind the mask was someone else entirely, and it brought a sense of comfort to you to know that a real person was listening to your troubles and caring about them. For once, someone was taking the time to make you a priority, and that was not something you were used to.

“I’m sorry, you’re probably tired of listening to me by now. I can’t believe I dumped all of that on y-” you tried to apologize, but he shook his head and cut you off before you could finish.

“Don’t be. I offered, didn’t I? I genuinely want to hear about what’s troubling you. Everyone deserves to be listened to, especially when they’re hurting. You’re important, and what you have to say is also important. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise.”

You blinked up at him with wide eyes. How was he so good at this? A thought crossed your mind then, and you wondered for a brief moment if...had anyone ever listened to him? He had taken the time to calm you down and make you feel important by listening wholeheartedly to everything you had to say. The least you could do was return the favor, right?

“Has anyone ever told you that you’re a really good listener?” you asked, a small but sincere smile on your face.

“Yes, actually. Plenty of times, but I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of hearing it. It just means I’m succeeding at making others feel important, which is what I aim to do, so thank you for that.” He stared up at the night sky, his eyes reflecting the sparkling stars above. They were...so full of life. You found that fact inspiring.

There was a small pause before you asked him another question, hesitance evident in your voice. “Have you...told anyone? About what you said to me earlier, I mean.” It came out more awkward than you intended it to, and he seemed confused about what you were trying to ask.

“About what I said to you earlier?”

“Y-You know, the...rooftop...” you trailed off, not wanting to pry if he didn’t want to talk about it after all. “I’m so sorry, I just assumed since you mentioned it earlier that maybe you wanted to talk about it or something- Ah, I’m making things worse, I’m really sorry!” You ran your hands through your hair, anxiety getting the better of you and making your heart race. Deku shifted slightly beside you but kept his arm around your shoulders, a look of understanding coming over him.

“Oh, that?” He gave a small airy laugh. “While I appreciate the concern, I have a really great therapist. It’s kind of a requirement for Pros; we deal with a lot on the job.”

“...oh.” Oh. Oh. You weren’t sure what you were expecting, but certainly not...that. “Again, I’m sorry if I pried,” you apologized one last time. At the sound of your third ‘I’m sorry’, Deku looked over at you thoughtfully.

“You know, I used to apologize a lot too. Actually, my therapist was the one who got me to kick the bad habit. Speaking of which...” He reached into one of the red pouches on his costume belt and produced a single card between his index and middle finger, the lamination of it emitting a dim glare as he held it out to you. “I think you could really benefit from therapy. I’m not saying that to be rude or anything-!” His face flushed as he tried to explain himself; he didn’t want you to feel like he was dismissing you or that he wasn’t concerned with your issues. “I swear! I just...really think you could use another person in your corner right now. They’re super nice, I promise! I’ll even help you set up an appointment if you want.”

You shrunk a little at the idea of seeing a therapist, but took the card anyway. The writing on the little piece of plastic stared back at you menacingly, an uncomfortable feeling settling in your gut.

Dr. T/N T/L/N Deku Agency Specialist in Psychology Phone: 800-888-8880 Email (Mon-Fri): T/nT/l/[email protected] Office Hours: Mon-Sat, 9am-5pm

As if he could read your turbulent mind, Deku pulled you closer and rested his head against yours. “I know talking to someone else about your problems seems scary at first, but it really helps. If you keep everything bottled up, then those feelings and problems don’t have anywhere to go, and they’ll eat you up on the inside. Therapy gives you a safe way of letting those feelings out and sorting through problems in healthy ways. Of course it’s ultimately your choice, and everybody’s experience differs...but it did help me.”

You considered everything he said, including his offer to help schedule an appointment. If nothing else, you could really use another friend... You pocketed the card and decided to worry about it later; exhaustion was starting to settle in by now, and the air only seemed to get colder by the minute. It had to be past midnight by now.

“Thank you for everything you’ve done. It means a lot to me, truly. I’ll...think about the therapist.”

“I’m glad to hear that. But in the mean time, can I see your phone?” The question caught you off guard and forced you back to the reality of where you were, and what you’d planned to do earlier.

“Uh, well...” you started, “I left it in my apartment. I didn’t think I’d need it up here since... Anyway, I don’t have it on me.” You stared off to the side, not wanting to talk about the subject any longer.

“Do you live around here?”

“Yeah, actually, I live in this apartment building.”

“Oh! Then, I’ll walk with you back to your apartment, since it’s getting kind of cold now. But first...” He whipped out his own phone, opening the contacts app and clicking on the ‘Create New Contact’ option. “What’s your phone number?”

“My phone number?” You stared at him, dumbfounded.

“Yeah, so I can text you and call you. I’d like to be friends, if that’s okay?” He gave you a shy smile with a faint blush, and it was hard not to burst into tears again.

A friend. You had made a new friend. One that cared about you, that wanted to make sure you were okay, that would put in time and effort to talk to you and see you. You could hardly believe it.

“Really?”

“Of course! Sooo, can I have it, then? Oh, and I guess I’ll need your name at some point too, huh?” he teased, a playful glint in his eyes.

“It’s Y/N,” you stated happily.

You immediately gave your number to him, and then the two of you stood to go back inside. He helped you up and held the door open for you, and from there you took the stairs back to your apartment. You made small talk on the way back, and things finally started to feel normal to you for once. But as soon as you turned down the hall that led to your apartment door, you started to feel it; that familiar sinking feeling was creeping in, apathy and the sense of nothingness overwhelming you again. The night was finally coming to an end. You would go back to your apartment, and things would go back to normal, and Deku would probably forget that you even existed. He said he would text, but would he really? He was so busy with hero work, and you half expected things to go back to the way they would be. What if nothing changed? What if you went back to feeling numb? What if everything that happened tonight didn’t really matter? What would you do?

“Whoah, Y/N, slow down. Everything’s gonna be alright.”

Huh? Shit! Had you said all that out loud?

You panicked as you stared at your door. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t-”

“Hey, look at me.” He cupped your face between his hands, tilting your head up to meet his concerned gaze. “Everything will be okay. But these kinds of problems don’t just disappear over night, they need time, and sometimes some outside help from others. I promise to keep in touch with you. I want to make sure you’re okay, and I’d like to get to know you better too. Maybe I can introduce you to my friends? They’re really great people, and they would make you feel right at home. But for now, let’s just focus on one thing, okay? Let’s get you settled back into your apartment for the night.” He ruffled the top of your head softly, and while others might have taken the gesture as offensive or belittling, you were just glad to have felt his warm touch.

“Okay,” you agreed quietly, and you twisted the handle to the door, which you remembered you had left unlocked.

The small apartment greeted you with familiar darkness, that is, until Deku flipped your light switch and the few lamps you had lit up the living room. He let himself in and shut the door behind the two of you, earning a surprised look from you and giving you an apologetic look of his own. “I don’t mean to intrude...I just...” He looked like he was choking over his own words. “I don’t think it’s a good idea to let you be alone right now...but if you want me to leave, then-”

“I don’t want to be alone either,” you were quick to cut him off. You had wanted to invite him to stay, but you also didn’t want to overstep any boundaries. However, it seemed like he beat you to the punch. “I don’t mind you staying. Besides, it’s late, and you look tired. The couch pulls out into a bed; let me get you some extra blankets.”

You tried your best to be hospitable, even with him insisting that you didn’t need to and that he could just crash in the comfy clothes he wore under his costume. You didn’t have any extra clothes for him, but at least you could give him a pillow and a blanket. As you went to fetch those, you also grabbed your phone from your desk and dropped it next to him on the makeshift bed. He took the liberty of entering his phone number and his real name into your contacts before passing it back.

“No way, you like All Might too?” he asked as you handed him the themed blanket. “This is the same exact blanket I have at home!” A wide grin came over him as he cuddled into it.

His enthusiasm made you laugh a little as you tossed him the pillow. “Yeah, I guess you could say that.” You started to walk away to your bedroom, and as you were about to turn the lights out, he stopped you.

“Hey, Y/N.”

“Did you need something?”

He peeked his head over the edge of the couch. “I just realized I never gave you my name. You can call me Izuku, if you want. Since, we’re friends now, and all.”

“Izuku,” you echoed, “I’m really glad I met you.” And you meant it.

“Yeah, me too.” A moment of silence. “That I met you, I mean! I’m glad I met you too!”

You smiled and turned the lights out. “I’m gonna head to bed.” You hesitated a bit to ask him the question burning at the back of your mind, but your anxiety forced you to ask anyway, the fear of not knowing eating at you. “Will you still be here tomorrow morning?”

He answered you right away and gave you a reassuring look. “I’m off work tomorrow, and I don’t have any plans, so I won’t be going anywhere unless you want me to.”

“Okay. Goodnight, Izuku.”

“Sweet dreams, Y/N.”

You let out a breath you hadn’t realized you were holding for so long, and with that, you made your way to your bedroom and changed into your favorite pajamas. The card that Izuku had given you earlier dropped to the floor while you were changing, and you picked it up carefully before reading it over again. Maybe...it was worth a shot. You had a lot you were dealing with, and the idea that you could talk to someone about it without being judged or made fun of almost sounded too good to be true. Sure, you had Izuku now, but you knew realistically he wasn’t going to be around all the time. You were tired of feeling like you were always alone, tired of feeling everything and nothing all at once, tired in general. It was all so exhausting. And he had said the therapist was nice...

You crawled into bed with your phone and pulled the covers over yourself. The home screen lit up the room as you opened your contacts and scrolled, looking for one name in particular. You tapped on his name and the familiar conversation screen appeared, the little vertical line blinking at you repeatedly as you worked up the courage to type out your message. Finally, your fingers flew across the keys, and you hit send before you could think twice about it.

Y/N: I think I want to schedule an appointment with the therapist. Can you help? 1:34am

It didn’t take long for you to get a response.

Izuku: Of course. I can contact them tomorrow, if you’d like? 1:34am

Y/N: I’d like that a lot. Thank you, Izuku. 1:35am

Izuku: Are you alright? If you need anything, come get me. I won’t mind. 1:35am

Y/N: I really appreciate that. I’m doing a little better. I’ll let you know if I need something. 1:35am

Izuku: Promise? 1:35am

Y/N: I promise. 1:36am

#tw: suicidal thoughts #tw: suicide attempt #tw: bullying mention #izuku midoriya #izuku #midoriya #izuku x reader #izuku midoriya x reader #bnha #mha #my hero academia #angst #fluff #comfort #izuku comfort #bnha izuku #midoriya x reader

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crossdressingdeath · 4 years ago

Note

Seeing your post about how JYL has a 'ranking system' in her head when it comes to WWX and JC hits so hard, but honestly, the more I read into the Jiang family dynamics, the more I agree. JYL obviously loves WWX, but I don't know if she's capable of putting him above JC. And we see her defending him, and she obviously gives her life for him, but she was also reacting in the moment. Not to speak lightly of her sacrifice of course, but I just feel like there are certain limits to how 1/7

far she's actually willing to go for him. I was initially one of JYL's staunch defenders, and always said that, unlike JC, she didn't have the same amount of political power as him, wasn't in a position to do anything about the Wens, ect. But...I'm starting to question if that's really true. JYL may not have had much direct political power herself, but she was the sister of a sect leader, and even if JC was unwilling to help, JYL had just married into the richest and most powerful sect 2/7

at the time. It was a love marriage, JZX adored her and would've done anything for her if she'd just bothered to ask him for it. Madam Jin also cared for her and respected her, and between her and JZX, had JYL actually bothered to tell them anything, I'm sure they would have been able to sort something out. Or she could have had it as a condition of her marriage - I'm not marrying into the sect that's trying to kill my brother unless you tell your father to stop. Had it been reversed and 3/7

The Lans were calling for JYL and JC’s deaths, no way in hell WWX would’ve just married into the sect, regardless of LWJ’s involvement. Instead she just doesn’t really do anything. We see no proof that she ever tried to see WWX after the wedding dress incident, which — god I instantly saw it as a sweet gesture, but now it just bothers me, because your brother is living in squalor, and you decide to show if the expensive dress that you’ll be 4/7

wearing when marrying into the sect that's trying to kill him, you bring along one bowl of soup for him, and don't even try to explain WHY you're marrying into said sect. Beyond that, we don't see a single moment up until her death where JYL actually seems concerned about WWX, puts in effort to try to see him - she doesn't even ask him how he's doing the one time she does come to see him. When we compare that to how WQ treats WN, yeah, she's outwardly not as loving or sweet, but she 5/7

goes to the ends of the earth for her brother, even going as far as to betray her sect and risk WRH's wrath because he asks her to. And now we come back to that ranking system you mentioned before - yeah, it really does seem like JYL places her blood family first, which definitely hurts, but in comparison, despite only knowing him for a shorter amount of time, WQ truly grows to think of WWX as a second brother. And she treats him as such, at an equal level with WN - after JZX dies 6/7

WQ doesn't attack WWX for what happened. She doesn't try to come up with a way to sacrifice WWX instead and let WN survive in his stead. She and WN, two people who have become WWX's family, both give their lives to protect both him and the rest of their remaining family members. And it's just frustrating to think that the one member of WWX's adopted family who we all thought treated him like an actual brother, might not have really been on his side after all. 7/7

Yes! To start with the wedding dress thing, because it drives me nuts when people treat that like some super sweet act of love: JYL shows up in the Burial Mounds with no money, no sign of having tried to talk the sects around, no news outside of her own, no food beyond a couple bowls of soup (one of which she gives to the guy who can’t eat), and doesn’t so much as ask WWX if he’s okay. She literally came all that way to have a family meal, ask WWX to name the future nephew it’s becoming increasingly clear he’ll never meet, and tell him about her impending marriage into the family that’s currently doing everything in its power to destroy WWX’s life. Like, if you think about it that entire visit is such a slap in the face; “Here’s a bowl of soup while the people under your protection are starving, oh by the way I’m going to marry the son of the guy actively trying to get you killed, okay bye”. All you can say in regards to her helping WWX is that she does potentially manage to persuade JZX to invite him to JL’s one month celebration, but if memory serves the novel never actually specifies whose idea that was and it was JZX who decided to go get WWX after JGY told him about seeing JZXun heading in the direction of the Burial Mounds. And even then JZX does the same thing JYL does; sees WWX outnumbered and surrounded and tells him to stand down. At least in JZX’s case you could argue that the actual fighting hadn’t broken out and JZX probably trusted in his authority to be able to sort the situation out so long as WWX wasn’t actually acting aggressive (or defensive, rather), and he’s also physically strong enough that he may well have been able to intervene if the cultivators had attacked. JYL, when she does the same thing, has no authority and no physical power to defend WWX with. And yeah, both JZX and Madam Jin adore JYL, and neither of them seem super fond of JGS (JZX respects his father, but I don’t get the sense he loves him); if JYL had asked them for help it’s entirely possible they would’ve started at least circulating her version of events and demanding a proper investigation into what happened. But there’s no mention of her so much as trying, and she doesn’t offer to ask them when she visits WWX.

And yeah, compare WQ to JYL and it’s... well. WQ is so quick to offer WWX her love and care? She’s harsh, but she loves him and views him and WN on such equal footing that she and WN willingly hand themselves over to the Jins for WWX’s sake without her so much as bringing up the possibility of saving WN instead. There’s no ranking for WQ; WWX and WN are her brothers, and she loves them, and she’d do anything to protect them. When it becomes clear she can’t save WN (like hell the sects would let him live, and by this point it’s pretty clear that WWX won’t be able to protect them forever) she throws her whole weight behind defending the brother she thinks she might still be able to save, even if it means bringing WN with her to die. WQ knows WWX for... a year or two? Maybe? The timeline is a little hazy. Not long compared to JYL, anyway. And yet she’s willing to walk all the way to Lanling to die in the hope of saving him. It’s for her whole family, yes, but she makes a point of including him. Basically, I think this fandom needs more stuff wherein the Jiangs and Wens survive and the Wens are fully like “Our brother now, you don’t deserve him”.

The thing with JYL is... she loves WWX, she genuinely does, but he is never going to be first for her. To the point where she outright enables JC’s abuse, in places; she always expects WWX to be the one to grin and bear it. Hell, one of their first conversations involves JYL cheerily allowing WWX to cover up JC locking him out of his bedroom and scaring him out into the woods by threatening to set dogs on him! Let me rephrase that: she allows a traumatized nine-year-old to hide the fact that the kid her dad expects him to share a room with locked him out of said room on his FIRST NIGHT and threatened him with his LITERALLY WORST FEAR, and as far as we know makes no attempt to tell JFM herself. To keep JC out of trouble. That is such a thing! WWX was scared to the point of running away and JFM expects him to share a room with the person responsible for that and JYL goes along with him promising not to tell JFM so that JC won’t get in trouble! And from that day forwards everything is just “Boys will be boys” to her. Like, let me put it this way. Before LWJ (and arguably the Wens before that, although WWX saw himself more as protector than protected there) JYL was the person WWX trusted to protect and care for and comfort him above all others, yeah? She’s the one he thinks of as having his back? He doesn’t tell her about JC trying to kill him. JC tries to kill WWX three times before JYL’s death, and WWX doesn’t say a word to her about any of them. You could argue that he doesn’t want to involve her, but... JYL pretty clearly takes JC’s side every time JC starts having a go at WWX. When he chases him out of their room, when he starts snapping about how annoying WWX is, when he stabs WWX... She never outright says it, but there really does come a point where by staying neutral you’re siding with the aggressor, and she reaches that point a lot. Hell, the stabbing is one of those aforementioned near-murders! JC stabbed him! According to WWX (who downplays serious injuries, he never exaggerates them) he had to hold his guts in! WWX is talking about a pretty fucking serious injury (and JYL grew up in a cultivation sect, I don’t believe for a second she doesn’t at least know what constitutes a serious injury) while JC whines about a broken arm like it’s worse than having to physically hold your guts in until you can reach a doctor and JYL acts like those are equal! JC could easily have killed WWX and has enough training with the sword to know better than to go for a blow like that in a staged fight and JYL doesn’t even suggest he should apologise.

Honestly? The more I think about JYL the more it pisses me off that she’s treated like WWX’s best sister more than WQ is. Imagine WQ seeing one brother stab the other in the gut and take the former’s side because the latter broke the former’s arm. Imagine WQ so much as considering allowing a child to cover up the kid he’s supposed to share a room with locking him out and scaring him into running away. She wouldn’t! Because WQ sees her brothers as equals. She won’t pick WN over WWX just because they’re blood siblings; she loves them both, and will choose based on who she thinks is in the right. And she wouldn’t just stay neutral to avoid rocking the boat, oh no. If WQ heard WWX say that WN stabbed him and did enough damage that he had to hold his guts in... oh boy would WN have a bad day. The thing with JYL is that she seems like a good sister in comparison to the rest of the Jiangs; stick canon JYL into a family that genuinely loves WWX and sees him as equal to their other children, and she would not look anywhere near as good.

#mdzs #lotus sister #i still love jyl but... well #she's not actually a good sister to wwx despite being the only jiang to claim him as family #she looks good in comparison to the rest of the jiangs #but i'd pick wq over her any day #anon #asks

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devildomdoofus · 4 years ago

Text

Winter Storm

Part 1

Lucifer, Mammon, Leviathan, Satan

WARNINGS:

‼️contains spoilers from chp. 16‼️

[[ angst, cursing, anxiety, fear/terror, depression, survival, near death experiences, mentions of blood/bleeding, hypothermia, dehydration, fainting, severe pain, cliffhangers ]]

Authors Note (sorry it’s long):

My sincerest apologies for how long you all had to wait!! I’m hoping what I’ve created was worth it. Because each brothers’ pieces were rather extensive especially being on mobile, I’ve decided to divide them into two parts where part one includes the four eldest brothers and part two includes the remaining. This is also to test the waters a bit and see if my writing style is decent enough to continue or if there are changes that need to be made before posting part two. Also, I purposefully wrote “cliffhangers” because I felt that, as reader, you should be able to decide MC’s fate for yourself according to your personal tastes/moods/etc. I hope it doesn’t come off as lazy.. it was intentional so that you may enjoy the content to the fullest and take it in the direction that you choose and not the author.CONSTRUCTIVE FEEDBACK IS ALWAYS APPRECIATED!! Good, bad, or indifferent, your feedback will help me write better for you in the future so you can enjoy my content to the upmost extent!! ALSO: If the spacing is weird with the paragraphs and such, I’m very sorry but for the time being, I have no idea how to fix that considering I’m on mobile and there’s only so much the app allows me to do. Anyway, I hope you all dig what I dish out! Thanks again for your patience, support, and understanding!! -DevildomDoofus

UPDATE (2-19-2021): Part 2 is out!! Unfortunately I don’t have enough content to make a master list quite yet but until then, forgive me, but you’ll have to search my blog using the hastag “devildomdoofus” or “my posts.” Don’t worry, I’ll get my blog in order eventually, I’m just a little slow with these kinds of things 😅 thank you for your patience and understanding!!

- DevildomDoofus

Prologue:

One word, a pair of twinkling eyes, and a pouty lip was all it took for you to convince him to vacation with you up in the human world. Maybe a few more ‘fluffy’ words and a bigger pout had to be used on Lucifer, as his paranoia was, more often times than not, justified by his brothers’ antics so... he needed further convincing.

When you two arrive at the cabin that you were to stay in for the week, you eyed the place over and it was rather beautifully decorated and cozy enough to never set foot outside for eternity, but with the wonderland that was just right outside your door, how could you not? By the celestial realm, it was like a dream. The ground was carpeted with fresh sheets or large comforters, rather of glistening white snow that reached just above your ankles, so soft to the touch that it could almost be compared to the cushy feel of Belphegor’s favorite pillow. The mighty mountains reach up to graze their fingers through the few clouds that wisp across the bluest skies... have they always been this blue? The nearby forest that towered over all, beckoned you to join them in their dance with the gentle wind. In other words, you HAD to explore! You set out on a solo trip to get aquatinted with your surroundings and take pictures to reminisce about later, while the one you came with unpacked your belongings to get rightfully settled in. You promised you wouldn’t wander far, just enough to really take in the scenery before venturing further out together. As a precaution, you dug markings on nearby trees as you tread and left stones in consistent, peculiar piles so that in the event of an emergency, any who might have to come looking for you would notice these things and easily be able to follow in your footsteps. Well, more or less, considering the clouds had secretly huddled up above you for another gentle snow shower and are now covering up your footprints. No worries though, right? You left plenty of stone piles and tree markings and you’re not even that far from the cabin. Someone could surely find you if you needed them to. You pushed onward, too entranced by the world around you to turn back now.

As time passed, storm clouds gathered faster than a pack of hungry wolves over a freshly fallen corpse and this became your cue to hurry home. To your dismay, you couldn’t find ANY of the markings you left on the trees or ANY of the stone piles you made. Ok, that’s not great but everything’s fine. The trick is to not panic. Maybe you just wandered a little farther of the beaten path than you realized. You’ll surely find your way back. As you searched high and low for your markings, the wind began to pick up, howling furiously in your ear and the once gently drifting little snowflakes became hardened, frosted hornets, stinging your face until they bit through your exposed skin and caused you to bleed. So much snow and ice, you could barely see 2 feet in front of you and could hardly lift your legs high enough to move forward as the levels of snow quickly rose to just above your knee. You had packed and dressed for whatever these snowy mountains could throw at you, but nothing could protect you from the fury of a raging blizzard for long. Pain from the dropping temperatures began at the tips of your toes and fingers and the longer you tried to find your way back, the more the pain spread and the harder it was to move anything at all. Everything inside of you, every fiber of your being was screaming for you to stop, for the pain was becoming too great but you just HAD to make your way back or you would surely die out here. These thoughts were starting to make you panic. Just as you were thinking it couldn’t get any worse, the wind grew even stronger and was starting to knock you to your knees. At this rate, you were causing more harm than good to yourself, perilously trying to toughen it out. Instead, you decided to find a makeshift shelter, just strong and big enough to keep the snow and wind off of you as you would attempt to warm up.

As if by divine intervention, you could make out a large rock formation with an opening big enough for you to huddle up under, just ahead of you. You ducked low and crawled in, hunkering down in your saving grace. As you shivered in the shadows, heaving and trying to collect yourself before deciding what to do next, you realized that numbness had settled into your limbs and you could no longer feel them, much less move them. You tried, desperately, over and over to inch them in any way but damn it, nothing would. Tears began to puddle at the corners of your eyes as your mind began to race. You should have never left the cabin alone. You knew better, you just couldn’t help yourself. The tears started to fall more and more as the thoughts started spiraling. How could you be so stupid? Now no one is going to find you and you’re going to die here, alone and deathly afraid. You could no longer contain your cries and in one last fleeting attempt to be rescued, you screamed for help with as much force as your withering lungs would allow. Nothing but the wind answered your cries. Before you knew it, your body was shutting down and your eyes fluttered shut right as you fainted against the rocky wall behind you. The panic, the wet and the cold, dehydration, the pain that once gripped your entire body that then turned to numbness, the overexertion, the hypothermia that was setting in; it was all too much for your body to handle anymore. Limp against the stone, you were quickly turning into a human icicle. This is how he finds you.

Lucifer:

Lucifer had been prepping for dinner for later that evening, as some meals tend to take an eternity to prepare, when the hair on the back of his neck pricked up and an uneasy feeling settled into his stomach. He could sense something was wrong even before the storm clouds rolled in. There was no way to explain it other than something is or was going to be terribly, terribly wrong. It’s the same feeling he gets when his brothers are up to no good or are in some form of trouble. It comes with the responsibility of being the eldest brother. He, indeed, trusted you enough for you to go alone for the simple fact that you were the most responsible out of his brothers, but that did not mean he didn’t still feel a bit uncomfortable with you out of his immediate supervision considering you’re human and humans tend to make many, many mistakes. You’re a child by no means and can handle yourself incredibly well, as evident by your time in the devildom and at R.A.D. He knows this and believes you could conquer the world if you so chose to do so. But even YOU know that he only acts and does these certain things that can come off as overbearing to some because he cares so deeply for you that he tries his damndest to prevent any harm that may come to you. Physcial or emotional, accidental or self-inflicted, whatever the case may be. He would give his life and soul up for you, just as he had done for Lilith. That is why this unsettling feeling in the pit of his stomach upset him so. He had to find you. He set out to look for you and quickly noticed a pattern. The markings and piles of stones, he assumed, were yours and, for a fleeting moment, it filled him with pride to know that you went about your adventure with a proper head upon your shoulders. Still, he had to see you and be able to hold you in his arms so that his worrisome mind could be put to rest. He followed the trail until it ended with you nowhere in sight. “MC, darling, what have you gotten yourself into this time?” Though calm in his demeaner, he was still fidgeting beneath the surface. Through the wind and hail that was picking up, he heard your cries from miles off and like a bat out of devildom, races to you. From pounding out of his chest to dropping through the crust of the Earth, Lucifer’s heart collapsed when he found you. “MC...” He rushed to your side in the blink of an eye and shouted your name over and over, but you didn’t respond. He rips a glove off and places two fingers to the side of your neck. Your pulse was so low, he had to press his ear to your chest, but even your heart was far too faint to be heard by human ear. Thank Diavolo he was a demon or he would have assumed the worst. You rarely see this man lose his composure, even behind closed doors. But now, when he looks at you and your state of comatose for the second time in his life, he becomes frantic. So many emotions racing through him, he doesn’t notice the tears welling in his eyes or his demon form breaking the surface. His fist clenches and he slams it into the ground next you, creating a cavity in the stone. He almost lost you once, he won’t let it happen again.

Before his emotions get the better of him, he swiftly yet ever so gently scoops you into his arms and immediately transports you both back to the cabin where he could try and warm you up and bring you back to your old self. Back to him. Bursting through the door, he rushes to place you gingerly onto the couch in front of the fireplace and carefully strips you of all the wet clothing, replacing them with warm, dry pairs. He wraps your neck with a thick scarf, slips fuzzy mittens on your hands, covers your head in a knitted hat, and drapes multiple blankets over your body. He then tosses wood into the fireplace, setting them ablaze before circling the couch and pushing it, and inherently you, closer to the warmth of the fire. All of this within the blink of an eye. He finally sits next to you on the cushions and takes you back into his arms, fearing that if he ever lets go, he will truly lose you once and for all. He’ll occasionally reach a hand up to the side of your neck or to your wrist, checking your pulse. Still too damn low. How in the devildom could he let this happen? For hours, he stays like this with you, keeping you so close to his chest that from the outside looking in, it would seem he was smothering you. The entire time he cradles you, he is mentally abusing himself for not being with you. For letting you go out alone. For not protecting you. For going against his better judgement and agreeing to come out here with you in the first place- no... that’s not it.. He’s frustrated with himself for you going against your better judgement and choosing him to be the one to come with you. Him of all people. He couldn’t protect Lilith in the Great War, he couldn’t protect you when Belphegor tried to kill you, and now here you are, lifeless in his embrace and fighting to stay alive once again because he couldn’t protect you from the storm. The tears began to fall from his eyes once more and they dropped onto your cheek. He looks down at you, cupping your face in his hand and tenderly wipes his tears from your skin. “Please,” he begs through the lips that threaten to quiver. “Please MC. Come back to me, darling.” He shuts his eyes and presses his forehead to yours over the knitted hat. Hoping, if only he could pray, for you to come back.

Mammon:

Before the storm even rolled in, Mammon went looking for you. It was unnatural for you two to be separated for this long and he didn’t like it. Not one bit. “Damn it, MC! We’re supposed to be doing this stupid vacation thing together,” he grumbles, as he stomps out of the house in a little Mammon tantrum. He saw your markings on the trees and piles of stones and began to think you set up the whole ‘going on a solo adventure’ thing as a prank. He chuckles to himself and beams a bit in pride. “My clever little human, turning into me.” A seemingly great idea at first, but the more he thought on it, SERIOUSLY thought on it, the more that two Mammons seemed like a bad idea. But he’d like to go over the so called ‘bad idea’ with you if he could just find you. He followed your markings until they stopped and that’s when the storm clouds rolled in. He was starting to get nervous. Yes, you hid and jumped out at him in an attempt to scare him on numerous occasions (which hardly worked, considering he was a demon and quite frankly, a powerful demon at that) back in the devildom but... this situation seemed different. Having been around you and your person the longest, he gained a sixth sense specifically for you. Your warm presence, your delectable soul essence, your precious voice, your thoughts and feelings, your wonderful heartbeat; he could feel them all, even when you returned to the human world for a bit. He could feel them all until now and it felt like he had gone numb. His nervousness turned to anxiousness. The only other time this numbing sensation has happened to him before is when Belphegor tried to off you right in front of him. He so very often wishes he could just wipe those memories from his mind forever...

For a moment, he thinks he can hear your voice, as faint as it is. “MC!!” He follows the direction he thinks your voice is coming from and calls your name again but with no reply. Then he hears it. One ever so minute thump of your heartbeat. He follows the sound like a wolf after a lamb until he comes across the little miniature cave his lamb had taken shelter under. He crawls in and he‘s instantly frozen in place. “MC?” You’re.. ? No you couldn’t be, you just couldn’t be. “C’mon MC, qu-quit foolin’ around. We have to go home. It’s s-storming like crazy out there, ya know?” Only the little echo of the cracks in his voice are his reply. He takes one of your hands in his and- shit! They’re so cold! Colder than when held you that time you were almost kill-NO! He lets go of your hand and grabs you by the shoulders instead, shaking you frantically. “MC, please, ya gotta wake up! This isn’t funny anymore!” The longer he shook you with no sign of you waking up, the more his eyes glazed over with tears. “MC!! WAKE UP!!” He growls, frustration and demon form taking over. Your body slides like a rag doll into his arms and that’s when he finally realizes that this is no prank and you’re in serious, serious danger. His heart disintegrates in his chest and nothing could stop the tears from cascading down his face like rain. For just a few moments, he sits there in that cave, holding your frozen body in his arms and rocking you as he cries heavily into your hair. He’s so hurt, so fucking hurt that this is the second time that he couldn’t protect you when he said he would. But by Diavolo, he had to keep trying until the absolute very last millisecond.

He gets a grip on himself, cradles you tightly into his embrace and skyrockets back to the cabin. Once there, he’s doing anything and everything in his power to get you warm. Heated blankets, warm and dry clothes, thick gloves, fuzzy hats, warmed pillows and cushions, a fire in the fireplace, the thermostat cranked up by 5 degrees, EVERYTHING. He even went to the extent of placing his bare hands into the fire, pulling them out to cool them down to an appropriate temperature, and then placing them over your ears, under the hat and across your forehead, or he would cradle your face in his hands to gingerly brush his warmed thumbs over your cheeks and nose. He simply could not sit still. There had to be something more he could do to help you, something more he could do to make up for his mistakes. He couldn’t stop no matter what. He loved you too much to give up so easily.

Leviathan:

Leviathan had originally intended to get both of your belongings unpacked as quickly as possible so that later that evening, you two could have a video game binge with the new game the TSL franchise came out with, honestly he did, but... as soon as he turned on the tv to test the reception in the area, one of the human shows you often mentioned to him popped up on the screen and he was instantly glued to the couch. The characters were as entertaining as you had described them in that cute way where your eyes sparkled and lips curled into a smile. He loved the way you beamed with joy He loved y- He couldn’t pry his eyes away from the screen, not even for a second. That is, until 20 minutes later and the show turned to static. “Oh for crying out loud,” he grumbles as he clicks the tv off and tosses the remote to the side. It was just like this normie of a human world to have terrible reception, especially during an intense episode. Surely he had it recorded somewhere back in his room in the Devildom. With newfound boredom, he stepped to the window and looked outside. Sheesh, it had gotten dark rather quick. It would be an awful shame for someone to be stuck out in this impending weather, just as the food in TSL had been stuck in terrible weather that The Lord of Fools sent The Lord of Flies. Such a kind gesture from the Lord of Fools, considering his former lover, Geldie, was found frozen in- “OH SHIT! MC!!”

He kicked open the door and stumbled around in the snow and gusting winds before getting his snow legs, then frantically circled the cabin, looking for any sign of you. He finds the markings in the trees and little stone piles and figured that they must belong to you. As he tread, he couldn’t help but beat himself up for letting you go alone, especially considering neither of you knew the area well enough. He understood, more than anyone in all the realms, that time alone is sacred and shouldn’t be interrupted without a legitimate reason. But even still, he wished that you would have teased him to go with you, like you often times did, until he would inevitably cave and follow behind you as he would then talk about the situation being “like that one scene from that one anime we watched together where the male protagonist somehow turns into a puppy, lost and confused, until the female protagonist comes along and takes him in and loves him for who he is and he turns back into a human and follows her around like he did when he was a puppy and-...” The rest of the walk would be filled with talks of which anime or show or video game resembled each moment you two shared.. and you loved every second of it. His eyes lit up like the sun shone right behind them and his precious little grin when he would recall humorous scenes. He would blush when he caught you staring and stumble over the next few sentences before eventually shutting up and just holding your hand (for safety of course) as you giggled at him for being so damn cute. His memories of those times kept him warm as they could as he continued onward in search of you, hoping that you weren’t in too much danger. But with how little mercy the storm was showing him, the possibility of you being safe and sound was rapidly decreasing.

Your marked trail came to an end but you weren’t there. Instead, there was only the howling winds and cascading ice to mock him. Oh no, this is bad. This is very, very bad. He shouted your name in an attempt for you to hear his voice and be able to find your way to him but he received no answer. He shouted louder and louder but you simply wouldn’t answer. “Shit, MC, where the hell are you?!” Anxiety began to make its way through him and he had to lean against a nearby tree to try and collect himself. That’s when he could faintly hear your voice crying for help. He darted towards your direction, coming upon the shelter you hid away in and as he moved closer to you, he froze. You were deathly still and your skin was so incredibly pale compared to it’s usual hue. He couldn’t think, he couldn’t breathe, he was just frozen in place with nothing but your limp body and emotionless face in front of him. He had no clue what to do but try and wake you up as he swallows the lump in his throat to call your name. “M-MC?” No answer. He takes your hand in his. Shit, you’re colder than ice. “MC, pl-please... please wake up, MC.” The wind outside seem to laugh at him and his feeble attempt to wake you up. Tears welled in his eyes and the lump in his throat thickened, almost to a point where he felt he couldn’t breathe, much less cry. As his demon form creeps to the surface, he grabs your shoulders and gently shakes you. “MC, please!! I can’t do this without you!!” Your body droops into his embrace and his heart feels like it’s been dropped into a blender and turned to mush. For a moment, all he can do is stare at your solidified face and wonder why oh why was this happening to him. To his precious ‘Henry’... “That’s it!! Henry!!” He shouted to himself. What would Henry do for his loved ones? He wouldn’t sit here and feel sorry for himself, he would do everything in his power to help the ones he cared about most! Leviathan shakes away his tears, holds you tightly in his arms, and bolts to the cabin to attempt to save you. He wasn’t going to let himself get in his own way, he was going to try his damndest to save you and bring you back. To bring back his Henry.

Satan:

In the midst of folding and putting away yours and his clothes, Satan paused. Similar as much as he hated to be so to Lucifer, he had developed a sort of instinct to tell when something or anything was off and this sense was only heightened by his incredibly refined observation and detective skills. He couldn’t quite place his finger on it just yet but something was clearly off. That’s when he went looking for you. Knicks in the trees and your piles of stones made him feel a bit more at ease about going after you, as he felt you were at least intelligent about your endeavors and not as callow as most of his brothers seemed to be. That is, until the trail of markings came to a stopping point. It was difficult to admit, but this situation was throwing him for a loop. You wouldn’t have just randomly stopped placing markers for yourself unless something bad had happened and even then, you would have called for him using the pact if you were in danger, right? There had to be an explanation for all of this. He leaned against a nearby tree, neck deep in furrowed brow concentration until the sky darkened with thick, furious looking clouds stampeding in, breaking his many trains of thought. With a new indication of urgency, he continued onward in search of you. As the storm picked up, so did that ominous feeling and inherently his blood pressure. If this was your idea of a joke, it was highly inappropriate and if he’s blatantly honest, irritating, to say the least. Very. irritating. Although he was a demon and basically immortal, that didn’t negate the fact that he felt his time was precious and any amount of time with you was that much more precious. He had not come up to the human world, with the presumption that you two could finally spend some time alone together, just for the whole trip to be some pathetic excuse of a prank. You could do so much better; that he was certain of and for you to do something as lowly as this was an insult to his intelligence, his affection towards you, and an insult to him in general. He wouldn’t let his wrath, his sin, get the better of him nor would he ever use either against you but when he finds you, you will know very soon of his immense displeasure.

“Ugh...” He could hear how much he sounded like Lucifer as he is in punishment mode and it made him want to vomit.

Before the wind could really drown out any other sound, he thinks he hears your voice crying out through the storm. All of the anger that was building up instantly vanished and he hurries after you. Years and years (we’re talking thousands) of constant meditation, reading self-improvement novels, and studying a multitude of ways to strengthen one’s emotional fortitude, absolutely NOTHING could have prepared him for the way he felt when he found you. Frozen, limp, and lifeless against the stone; He didn’t have to touch you or call your name to know you weren’t going to answer. All of this was because he simply didn’t accompany you on your scouting trip.

It was too much. His wrath instantly took hold and his demon form bubbled to the surface. He wasn’t angry with you in the least, no. He was absolutely furious with himself because he didn’t protect you and he wasn’t there for you when you needed him most and he had no one else to be angry with but himself. Overcome with and blinded by the pure, white hot rage, he screams his broken heart out of his chest and into the sky above, and the earth trembled around you. The steadfast shelter that once braced against the harsh storm crumbled into trillions of pieces as the sheer force of his voice crushed them to bits. The trees no longer bent to the will of the blizzard, but to him and him alone. His anger practically created ‘an eye in the middle of the storm’ and all but Satan had stilled within it. As the last bits of his wrath dispelled and he could finally get a better grip of himself, he looked down at you before taking you in his arms as the storm closed back in around you. Using the last of his energy, he bolted to the cabin with you clutched to his chest and settled you onto the couch to start the warming process. More than anything, he wanted to reach inside of you, grab the coldness by its throat, rip it out of you, and proceed to pummel it into a fist-dug grave. He wanted to take your pain, your fear, your sadness and tears, everything that caused you harm and reign devildom upon them all. To make your suffering know the name of wrath, to know his name personally and properly. Yet all he could do is kneel at your side and wait patiently for your possible recovery.

#obey me #obey me shall we date #otome #obey me scenarios #mine #my posts #devildomdoofus #obey me lucifer #lucifer #obey me mammon #mammon #obey me leviathan #leviathan #obey me satan #satan #obey me mc #mc

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shihalyfie · 4 years ago

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02′s themes in relation to its finale

By “finale” I don’t mean “epilogue”, but rather the final battle and confrontation that make up 02 episodes 48-50. Generally speaking, 02 is a series that is much less about progression of plot events as much as it’s about theme and message, and my feeling is that this becomes increasingly so the deeper you get into its second half and approach its ending. Narratively speaking, we need a big, bad enemy to beat up in a fight, but if we shift our perspective a bit, what does this finale say as a close to 02′s themes and concepts?

The thin boundary between good and evil

Our major enemy for the first half of the series was the Digimon Kaiser, who was later established to be the very naturally kind Ichijouji Ken -- which is a pretty massive swerve, considering that most series with “reformed villains” would usually make them a bit of an edgelord who happens to be a little nicer. But instead, the series goes very deep into the psyche of what could make such a kind child be tipped over the edge, and, even though it’s all revealed to be accelerated by supernatural interference, it’s made very clear that his own trauma and insecurity was most of what did it.

So, anyway, it’s revealed in the end that the “final mastermind” behind it all was none other than Vamdemon, an effective midboss from Adventure. Vamdemon’s popularity aside, this initially seems like a very strange choice. But looking at some statements about 02′s initial planning is somewhat revealing: the original planned concept for the final boss was a Digimon that would ultimately be reduced to only “an idea” (and was rejected on the grounds of being too gory for the Sunday morning kids’ timeslot). When you think about this original concept of “a Digimon that had been reduced to only an idea,” that explains the initially odd-seeming combo of defeating a Digimon with the combined power of idealistic positivity, because it’s a plot point that would certainly make more sense if said Digimon had been reduced to a spirit of malice.

However, the interesting part about this is that the replacement for this original final boss was not Vamdemon but Oikawa and his lackeys, which means that, substantially, the real “final enemy” of this story is actually Oikawa, and the ideological questions he poses for the Chosen Children and those around them. Vamdemon may be the “mastermind” from a plot perspective, but, ironically, his important role is actually to define Oikawa’s narrative -- and, as if to drive this in further, he’s not even voiced by his original voice actor from Adventure (Ohtomo Ryuuzaburou), but Oikawa’s own, Morikawa Toshiyuki (and this voice change is actually pointed out in the series proper, too).

So why Vamdemon and not just a random spirit of malice? Well...

Vamdemon’s presence specifically establishes the precise moment in time Oikawa lost complete control of himself -- and, more widely, establishes the connection between himself as a “Chosen Child who could never become one”. Prior to this episode, we knew that Hida Hiroki’s death and their shared childhood had some relevance to Oikawa’s downfall, but the August 3 “Odaiba fog” incident in 1999 is the exact moment where everything could completely crash down in front of Oikawa’s eyes, with Hida Hiroki having just died, and Oikawa personally witnessing Digimon, the Digital World, and the Chosen Children (and boy, the way this scene is framed with him right next to the waterfront, you might even wonder what he might have done with himself had Vamdemon not interfered...). The Digital World didn’t have a huge amount of contact with the world before then -- in fact, Oikawa not being able to make much contact is a huge part of his character arc -- which basically leaves this as one of the only moments you can have this exact moment of Oikawa being ready to go over the deep end in this way. All of his regrets, of never being able to make proper contact with the Digital World, of Hiroki having died and left him alone, are ready for him in this exact moment -- as his own lackey Archnemon had said earlier, “human weaknesses are easy to manipulate.”

Moreover, of all of the “entities of malice” that made up Adventure’s villains, Vamdemon’s the only one who brought it all the way over to the real world (where the majority of 02′s conflict is set). This brief moment of contact with the real world was established in 02 episode 14 to be the defining moment of “contact” that would lead to Daisuke and Iori becoming Chosen Children. Particularly in the case of Iori, you can see the parallel -- Hiroki’s death and the resulting incident here would shape Iori’s strive to become a model citizen and a hero as a Chosen Child, whereas the exact same incidents shaped Oikawa’s descent into villainy.

Oikawa’s “sacrifice” in the end is not really a sacrifice in terms of sacrificing his life -- it’s said outright that his body is deteriorating, and so he would have died either way. What Oikawa does sacrifice is the ability to take one more step and make proper contact with Pipimon -- it is explicitly stated that he has to use the power of the dream world to grant his wish, meaning that he would never be able to take a proper step into the Digital World as a human, and therefore would never truly be able to have his initial wish granted in the way he originally wanted.

Thus, Oikawa leaves off with one last “regret” -- that, perhaps, if things had been different, he could have been just like the Chosen Children, going on “adventures” like them. But Iori points out right after that he did achieve his dream in some sense -- he got to reunite with the Digital World, and he did get to meet his partner, and so: it’s all about mentality. All of what happened to Oikawa was because of his own closed-in way of seeing himself and his place in the world, instead of being able to move on productively from his perception of what he “could and couldn’t do”.

In the end, Iori, the one who had once been so cold towards the idea of anything remotely associated with evil, is the one to guide him to that answer, and the other Chosen Children, who had previously not been very sympathetic towards him, still grieve over his death because they understand what it means to have a partner, and the sense of loss it would entail to be separated from one. It’s the one commonality they all can understand, and in the end, none of them were really all that different; it was just what they chose to do with what they had.

This is especially because we see extensive flashbacks of Oikawa in 02 episode 47, and his design is that of a completely average adult in 02, nothing like the “look at this instant villain!” design he had during the course of the series. Oikawa was, for all intents and purposes, a completely average person who had dreams that he shared with his friend, dreams that they carried into adulthood -- it took this little to push Oikawa over the edge, and yet the things that did it were the exact same things that, in a different context, Iori took to become a Chosen Child who fought him on the other side.

False happiness and pointless fixations

Tying into Oikawa’s fixation with “regrets” and an unhealthy mentality about his own position, Oikawa blames his inability to go to the Digital World in 02 episode 48 on himself being a “tainted adult”, not recognizing that it’s his own having fallen off the deep end that’s the likely reason he’s being rejected. Oikawa is, effectively, maintaining a fixation on “regrets” and a past he can’t get back; he’s still stuck on the image of his happy childhood playing with Hiroki, and all of the things he “couldn’t do” as a child after having his initial contact with the Digital World cut off. The ending reveals that he had met Pipimon before, and so you can interpret everything he’d done beforehand -- including creating two Digimon that are ultimately his “minions” more than they’re his actual “partners” (and were ultimately ripped away from him by the very same malicious spirit that represents his nihilism) -- as an attempt to reconnect with that partner, even if it resulted in him forgetting his actual purpose.

Beyond that, the Chosen Children themselves are momentarily sidetracked by a “fixation” of sorts --

02 is a series about “accepting things and moving forward”, so each of the illusions presented by BelialVamdemon have to do with a fixation that’s holding each respective kid back:

Takeru’s idea of seeing his family together again might not be completely impossible, but it’s probably not happening anytime soon -- and, as far as 02 episode 17 and 47 showed us, relations are at least improving and everyone else is doing a much better job of actually moving on and accepting the current state of affairs than he is.

Iori’s fixated on the idea of being able to please and be with a father who’s long dead (again, his issue is technically the same one Oikawa’s fixating over).

Hikari’s fixated on a future idea and dream that she wants to see pass, which won’t happen unless she can proactively work towards it now (and the 02 epilogue itself establishes that getting there won’t be all sunshine and roses).

Miyako’s fixated on her surface mood of stress and a desire to escape it, only to be confronted with the fact that it doesn’t actually make her all that happy either.

Ken’s fixated on ideas of “punishment” and “forgiveness” that ultimately won’t get him anywhere.

In the end, the one to avoid it is the most “forward-thinking” of all of them, Daisuke, who’s least likely to get caught up in such fixations. But even he has this to say:

Daisuke understands that not everyone is as simple-minded as him, and that’s not inherently a bad thing -- it’s just that when you need to go forward, you need to go forward (and people who exploit others’ weaknesses against them are still unforgivable jerks). You need to accept that things are the way they are at current, and use the information you get from it to keep moving forward and do something productive with it rather than clinging onto things you can’t have to the point you can’t do anything. Nobody was giving anyone shame for having those internal worries that BelialVamdemon plagued them with -- it’s just that staying in there forever, instead of moving on with important things they had to do, wouldn’t be good for them either.

Hence, that’s what Oikawa actually sacrificed -- he had a choice to use his final moments to spend his remaining short time with his partner that he’d spent so long unconsciously chasing after, but he instead decides to do something to help the Digital World and reverse some of the damage he’d personally caused instead of continuing to fixate on that regret. At the very least, he can continue to be with Pipimon in some other sense, even if it’s not what he originally wanted.

The pressure to be a “perfect person” as imposed by society; the conflict between that and pursuing one’s own happiness

In the last section, I mentioned that Oikawa was the kind of person who fixated on regrets about what he “couldn’t do” during his childhood. You can identify a bit of what was leading up to this in the prior episodes:

We learn in 02 episode 47 that Iori’s grandfather Chikara made the mistake of barring Hiroki and Oikawa from getting too deep into their connection with the Digital World, considering it “nonsense”, which led to the two of them becoming disconnected from it and continuing to wistfully chase after it -- which also led to Oikawa being driven further over the deep end when Hiroki, the only person who understood that, died.

Moreover, Oikawa ended up developing a complex not entirely unlike the Kaiser’s fixation with being a “perfect” person in the first half -- and, just like how he blames his inability to enter the Digital World on being a “tainted adult”, he fails to have the self-awareness that it’s this exact nihilism keeping him out of it, taking even further offense at the idea of him being a “tainted existence” (because of what he’s embracing) and deciding that his reaction needs to be sinking even deeper into it. And while he implants the Dark Seeds into the children with the intent of exploiting their power, he also indicates that he thinks he’s doing them a favor by enabling that ideology of “becoming a perfect person” within them.

Remembering that the final battle in this series is not necessarily about the physical fight as much as it’s about the ideology that Oikawa espoused, in the end, what Oikawa really “implanted” in these kids along with the Dark Seeds was the pressure that they should sacrifice their happiness to be “perfect” people. The Chosen Children reach out to them by asking about their dreams, and the children list off careers that have certainly gotten their parents scorning them for not being “good enough” for them, or gotten them mocked by other people (Hiroshi says that he gave up on his manga artist dreams because people laughed at him for it). In the end, “the pressure to be ambitious” is pressure in itself -- what if what you really want isn’t ambitious as much as it’s something that makes you and others happy (like, for instance, ramen making)? And especially when you’re a child -- shouldn’t this be the time when you enjoy yourself to the fullest?

This is even alluded to in Ken’s Spring 2003 track, in terms of how he and Osamu weren’t able to enjoy their childhood because of that pressure:

You were demanded to grow up fast, weren’t you, Brother? Because we were always being evaluated and compared by someone, we didn’t get a chance to have more freedom. We didn’t have any chances to run down an alley because we felt like it, or pull up weeds, or tumble around… meaningless things, things that didn’t bring any value to us at all. Just like the cat napping on the roof… we weren’t able to fully enjoy any everlasting freedom.

Like Ken and Osamu, the Dark Seed children accepted the Seeds because they decided that it would be better to trade in their happiness in exchange for getting closer to that ideal of “perfection”, only to destroy their own selves in the process. Which is accentuated when acknowledging their own selves is what leads to them meeting their own Digimon partners.

Takeru had said, earlier, that the Digimon will appear if you wish them to -- and given that a Digimon partner is a metaphor for the inner self, it says a lot that the point here is “the key to connecting with your partner is to connect with your actual self”. Like how Ken managed to reunite with Wormmon in 02 episode 23 by accepting everything about himself and resolving to live with it, and how Oikawa will later meet Pipimon after having come to terms with what he was actually looking for the entire time.

And in the end, what we see of Vamdemon isn’t really all that different from the original “reduced to an idea” concept we got from the original 02 final boss concept -- remember that BelialVamdemon has effectively become the incarnation of Oikawa’s own nihilistic ideology; perhaps he took on a lot more than just a voice actor! Actually, the whole sequence in 02 episode 50 with everyone listing off their dreams and destroying BelialVamdemon part by part is relatively similar in substance to the original proposal (the staff must have been really attached to that idea). And, hence, why what destroys him for good is the combined feelings of everyone together, resolving to move forward instead of chasing after meaningless things.

Oikawa ultimately recognizes that what was holding him back was his own mentality -- everyone here, Ken, the Dark Seed children, and Oikawa himself, all thought they were becoming “strong” and “perfect” people by ignoring them, but instead ended up as pawns for others, and all of these people could have found better ways to cope with their problems through embracing themselves and finding support, and would have come closer to those “dreams” while they were at it. Instead, Oikawa exploited others and clung onto shallow symbols because he thought that kind of straightforward idealism was an impossible route for him, and locked himself out of all of it. But in the end, he’s able to do something -- he’s able to use his “dreams” to have the Digital World healed -- and with that, is able to have his last moments in happiness.

Incidentally, back in 02 episode 49, Daisuke had even outright said that there’s no inherent issue in striving for self-improvement (after all, both Adventure and 02 were about people slowly getting past their insecurities and becoming better people). Daisuke himself is a person who’s improved a lot over the course of this series! But that’s something you need to do on your own terms and in a way you’re comfortable with -- not forcing yourself into the mold of an “ideal person” at the expense of losing everything about yourself, like Ken, the Dark Seed children, and Oikawa all did at some point.

#digimon #digimon adventure 02 #shihameta

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