#depends on how sociophobia i am on that day

[kaiserouo]

Hi.

This is a rambling post because i'm sick. Somehow turned into a post about my history about art. Kinda spent too much time on this that i don't really wanna delete this now. Oh well.

More below.

Yeah okay. You might think why i'm rambling in an art blog. It's because english isn't my native language and i kinda think differently with english. I've complained enough on plurk with chinese today so, uh, i'm here now lol.

I am so sick right now i don't even know if it's food poisoning or normal cough / fever. Anyway, i stared at a blank canvas in csp for >4 hours and cannot even do anything because of all the migraines i have.

The pain kinda took away the little inspiration and creativity i had, even though i have like a full idea list with detailed and concrete comic plot attached to almost every single item on the list.

So i'm gonna post the second hound i've ever drawn, probably because i have just lost the capability to make proper decisions. Also being sick and cannot physically do anything made my mind flew to who knows where.

2022/02/12

I mean, it kinda sucks. I know i also didn't achieve anything important now but oh man.

You know, it's kinda a miracle why i'm here doing art stuff almost every single day, and why this piece is in my phone in the first place. If you've seen my stuff a lot (for whatever reason) you might already know i...don't like myself very much. Not until recently when i'm reading a book did i realize i'm a perfectionist type of person. Like, i don't like failure, i don't like being...not able to do stuff. When i try something i think i can achieve and realize that i actually just...don't have the ability to do the stuff to my standards, i'd very likely just quit.

I was not capable of drawing anything. You might be thinking "oh no art is not about being capable or making masterpiece first try it's for fun you can do whatever." I kinda got it, like i understand the point this sentence is trying to convey, but my brain just...doesn't work like that. I think perfectionist is just an inherent bad habit of mine. Especially that i've been lurking on social media watching actual masterpiece level of fanart (at least to me) since i was like, 12. My taste of art and what i perceive as "good" did not match my ability to draw, and very likely never will.

It's basically a death sentence, because if you can't really achieve something to your standards then why do you even try? I mean, objectively speaking it's very illogical to say that and you can probably deduce a lot of contradictions from that, maybe like "masters were once a noob too they weren't born with all the skills they have" or something like that. But that's why i said i'm a perfectionist and it's my inherent bad habit. My brain just defaults to...whatever illogical thinking i said. Until that piece of Bloodhound i've already tried to draw many characters years before, but those attempts just...never last.

But that time, when i tried to draw Bloodhound, i recalled an advice that you should put all your work on the internet. Just, literally all of them, no matter how bad it was. It kinda makes sense to me actually. To keep the progress for future inspections; to give myself a pressure to draw something every day; to put what i was thinking into words, knowing that i will forget all the struggle i had once i became good enough (if that ever happens).

So i made a new plurk account. Nice platform, only taiwanese use that, very little people, even less will see my art months into the cause so that's nice for an introvert like me. But the pressure i gave myself to post everyday is very real, and i despise my art every single day. Old habits die hard, even for now.

Everything kinda flows natually after i got into the habit of posting things everyday. I must stress that this habit itself is a miracle. I'm an introvert that can't really talk with strangers, let alone shouting out loud (i.e., posting) on the internet. Anyway, this changed things. I started to actually draw, like, almost every day. There's never anything i did in my life that i actually made into a habit, or, uh, just generally do everyday without much obstacles in my heart. I usually just play games after school and watch youtube and daydream about all kinds of plot about the game, that'd be all i do.

I can get through a lot of details about the progress thanks to the post i was making, but to put it simply: i think i'm trash at making art, and my art is also trash, so i tried to learn things to make it…less trash. Most art post i've done i wrote about what i tried and what i've learned. Not actual research and book reading, just a bit of observation i made to make my hound look better.

At roughly 2023/2 i saw a post about learning art in 100 days. Ignoring all the thoughts thinking i was trash and achieved way less in a year, i actually started borrowing books about art. Spent like 2 months on stonehouse's anatomy, also a bit on perspective. I'm kinda a nerd so i'm completely fine with the biology and perspective related math (like most properties are 10 seconds easy proof after all). But the memorizing part of anatomy and the intuition part of perspective i'm still trying to get familiar with. Well that all comes down to practice and practice and more practice, which i do way less than i should to be honest.

At 2023/7 i made this account. That time i just got into destiny 2. Fun fact, that banner of cayde + bloodhound + omen was made in ~2023/6 and i didn't even know which games cayde and omen are from until i actually look it up.

And…yeah. This post kinda turns into my history of drawing but this is it. Still learning, still making my daydreams into art. i think the only thing that changed this year is that i kinda enjoy my own art now. I still think some of them are bad, especially as the art gets older, but it's not completely unbearable now. Like, i often go back to some old posts and think "oh yeah i drew this idea, still hilarious to me lol." Crazy, huh?

Okay i'm tired. I think this should have some kind of ending or conclusion...

Yeah, so why it's a miracle i'm here? I started to make art, i kinda made it a habit, i posted about my art even if i'm an introvert irl, i look down upon my own art because i'm a perfectionist, i still make art despite of that, i post enough stuff on the internet before and i plucked up my courage to post on english platforms (i.e., tumblr), and i'm still making art till this day.

I didn't meant it as some kind of art learning advice because you shouldn't even listen to me in that case. It's just me mesmerized by how i even ended up here. Tend to do that when i'm sick on bed doing nothing.

C'est la vie, am i right?

[cabanaa]

30 Questions!

How tall are you?

5′8″

What are your favorite tv shows?

Pretty Little Liars, Orange is the New Black, Supernatural, Doctor Who ect.

Who are you favorite Youtubers?

Markiplier, JackSepticEye, MsHeartAttack, SSSniperWolf, Shane Dawson, Rosanna Pansino & so many more.

What’s your favorite feature of yourself?

My eyes.

Cats or Dogs?

I’m an overall animal lover, but if I have to pick one it’d be cats.

Candy or Fruit?

Fruit.

Hot or Cold?

Both? I don’t like being too hot or too cold.

What kind of phone do you currently have?

Samsung Galaxy S8

Movies or Music?

Both.

Do you want any kids? If so, boys or girls?

I really want to have at least one kid. As long as they’re healthy, I don’t care about the gender.

Top 3 favorite foods?

Pasta, pizza & chicken.

Top 3 worst foods?

Anything spicy, most sea food & grape jelly.

What are some things you’re afraid of?

Mostly just being alone.

Any phobias?

Acrophobia, Agyrophobia, Arachnophobia, Claustrophobia, Coulrophobia, Decidophobia, Dysmorphophobia, Emetophobia, Enochlophobia, Glossophobia, Necrophobia, Ophthalmophobia, Sociophobia, Telephone phobia & Trypanophobia. 

What makes you happiest?

My fiance & my cats.

Have you eaten today? If yes, what was it?

Yep. A burger & fries from Freddy’s.

Current time?

3:58 AM

Snowy days or Rainy days?

Both. Mostly rainy days.

If you could paint your room any color, what would it be?

Blue or pink. My old room in KY was pink. My current room is blue & my bathroom is pink lol

Makeup or No makeup?

Both? Depends on the day.

Dressy or Casual?

Casual, but I don’t mind dressing up.

Milk or Soda?

Soda. I’m lactose intolerant.

Favorite scent?

Anything fruity, vanilla & B&BW fall scents.

How are you with meeting new people?

Not good at all. I’m the physical form of social anxiety.

What’s the first thing you notice about someone?

Their eyes.

3 personality traits you what in a significant other?

Caring, loving & genuine.

Kiss or Hugs?

Both.

Going out or Staying in?

I’m a hermit. I love being at home.

Lastly, tell your followers something they may not know about you!

I’ve been playing video games since I was about 4 years old! (: