#anyway this is a relevant topic because i am drawing. and i may draw more after that because im ill over him this weekend ig

[todayisafridaynight]

sorry not to act up at 6AM but 80's sawashiro really do be so fine tho bro i gotta leave before i go insane

[transformers-mosaic]

Transformers: Mosaic - Fragments Iván Mas

wada sez: Yesterday, I shared a couple-dozen assorted previews for Mosaic strips which never saw completion. One artist, however, accounted for almost that many abortive strips all by himself! As I've mentioned in the past, Iván Mas was a prolific Mosaic contributor who often clashed with Mosaic leads Josh van Reyk and Shaun Knowler over their editorial policies. While sharing previews, he constantly expressed frustration over the months-long delay for comics being shared by the project. It's hard to say why most of these strips never saw the light of day, or how far along they were to completion: perhaps some simply slipped through the cracks! As Iván Mas is a true auteur, a real perfectionist, it wouldn't surprise me if he was simply unhappy with the end result for a few of these. I've done my best to translate relevant comments of his.

Untitled Animated Bulkhead comic [2007-09-20]

"May be a small teaser of an upcoming mosaic featuring the new TF Animated characters"

"Subtle Touch" (Death's Head) [2007-09-21, 2007-10-02]

"Light Awakening" (Optimus Prime) [2008-02-05]

"Versus" (Megatron & Optimus Prime) [2008-05-31]

"Iron" (Man of Iron) [2008-07-07]

Untitled Leozack comic [2008-08-10]

"Decepticons Power" (Overlord) [2008-10-09, 2008-10-09]

"Panel 1 of a Mosaic that I am making (another one) at the moment I have 12 on the computer that… have not been shown yet, I don't know if it is worth continuing making…. anyway I am making this one so that Vero, one of the colorists who has given us a hand on the mosaic theme can distract herself…. she expressed her desire to continue doing things and like her friend Rafa, she seems to have a lot of work… In any case, the drawing is not finished, some things need to be touched up… and above all, the background."

"A teaser of the mosaic that I suppose you will see some year in the next centuries….. I'm bored………. …………………………………. …………………………………."

"Duality" (Silverbolt) [2008-11-20]

"Eeeeh… well… a mosaic that I don't know if I'll end up doing, lately I've been quite busy so I've put the topic aside, however I have quite a few in the can… so… I don't think there will be much of a problem…"

Untitled Megatron comic [2009-01-14]

"Well… here's a discarded Megatron panel for a mosaic… it seemed unnecessary to the rhythm and inconsequential, besides the fact that I don't like the drawing too much. I guess because of all that, I didn't put any effort into it either…. It's out."

Untitled Kup comic [2009-01-18]

"Well, the title is quite self-explanatory, isn't it?…. a design for a mosaic that I hope I will be able to start preparing soon on Kup."

"New Ages" (Starscream) [2009-01-30]

"Well then… the truth is that I have quite a few mosaics scattered all over the place waiting to be translated or painted… it annoys me and disgusts me a little because I have to show things in dribs and drabs, the subject goes on forever and at this rate they will release it on the official page by 2050.

"That's partly why lately you'll see that I do them alone, if I give them to someone to paint it's possible that because of what people do, the thing will take forever…

"This problem is more personal and unreal than anything else, the truth is that it exasperates me not knowing or having a date to deliver or finish these things, I don't know if it is my defect or what, but I am very strict with deadlines and so on, obviously Yes, I am that way with myself as well with others, although I already said, yes to me, but I cannot demand anything from the rest, as is logical.

"So the fact of making a mosaic by myself means that I can control the deadlines at all times, and thus remain calmer in this aspect.

"That's why you will see that I don't stop putting previews or panels… as I said today I have 7 finished mosaics on my part… and they are waiting to be finished… and I'm doing 5 more… that's what I want To say that if I painted those that I have pending I probably wouldn't be able to draw those 5 so I won't give much more, a shame.

"In reference to the image, I must say that it is Starscream.. I honestly don't know if I will leave it in gray or in color.. for what I intend in the mosaic, perhaps it would do better with color.. but the results like this are not bad….

"However, a note, I don't like transformers with lips… that is, not like I've done them here… does that mean that I don't like this drawing? Well… it's not that I'm excited about it. , but it's not that bad either.

"However, with Starscream I have a problem… since he is a big mouth and a bit effeminate, unconsciously I always mark his lips a lot… but it's funny, it only happens to me with him, so I take it more as a detail that defines a bit. the personality of the character more than anything else, and it also helps to minimally distinguish between Skywarp and Thundercracker, so it is possible that… if you look closely, although you may not like it at all, this detail is not entirely bad.

"About the story… I can't tell you too much, logically… since… it's a page and I'll tell you what it's about…"

"Human Component: Ginrai" [2009-06-29]

"Here's a sketch about how I plan to draw Ginrai in the Human Component, a small character study… I wasn't planning on uploading it now, but since I don't know when you'll be able to see it… here's a little preview. I know it's not a big deal… but the page will be better.

"In theory, the style of this drawing is the same as that of the mosaic… so… I thought I wanted to make a color page painted with traditional watercolor."

Untitled Wilder/Shuta comic [2006-12-30, 2010-05-11, 2010-06-02]

wada sez: I've also included the very first piece of fanart shared on Iván's deviantART, which depicts Wilder!

"A long time ago I started a mosaic about this man… I may not finish it, but I wanted to give my version of this character.

"The Japanese guy was fine, but he had the eighties and effeminate air of that time, for a tough guy, a thug, he had too fine features, a perfect complexion, and a neat style, I can't imagine a gang member physically like that.

"I kept the characteristic features, such as the hair covering the eye and the tape, although here it is not appreciated too much, and I tried to give it a more serious, more realistic, and harder touch… I based myself a little on the actor Toshiro Mifune from the Hidden Fortress, for example.

"I think that this way, he physically passes more for being a "bad" gang member etc…"

"Well… a quick design that I made for a page that I have pending… and that will not be finished… about a preview of a Wilder against Shuta fight….

"I already showed you another of the panels a few days ago… the one in which we saw Wilder angry…

"So… if I were to make a comic about transformers… it would be something pretty similar to this.

"As you can see, I went from line art… as I always say, if the drawing is done in ink, in color, the only thing it can do is win… the colorist has to be very bad for it to not look good.

"Also… this type or style of robot, with well-drawn humans and rich backgrounds, I think would make a Transformers comic seen through different eyes, and not as a third-category comic.

"As you can see, it is a more serious, more adult and more realistic style, it is clearly Masterforce, a series that due to the incompetence of some, lack of judgment on the part of others and lack of general vision… I fear that it will fall eternally into oblivion, except for a few fans. A shame.

"It is somewhat reminiscent of the Bay or Figueroa style, but being less complicated, it maintains the characteristic features of G.1

"It doesn't look bad at all, for a quick design.

Untitled "TF3 Mosaic" (Scourge) [2011-07-08, 2011-07-11]

"A small contact with the character for a mosaic that I want to do, the truth is that in the movie he is very lackluster in the face of so many robots, however his potential, just like it had in the original series, is very great.

"Some time ago I made a mosaic about the Constructicons, directly in Photoshop, with a somewhat, let's say "conceptual" style, well, that was a small test to do other things of this type.

"To finish off the drawing a little and make it more of an illustration, I added a background of Chicago manipulated with a little color characteristic of the bad guys or this Shockwave.

"I feel that the resolution is not as good as it should be, but the original is too heavy."

"Fast design for a mosaic character. Yes, it´s Scourge in movie style.... not bad."

wada sez: And that's all! I was tempted to reach out to Iván to see if he could share any more material from these strips, but he hasn't been active on deviantART in almost a decade, and I suspect that he canned many of them for a reason. Still, it's an interesting window into his creative process and mindset regarding Mosaic as an endeavour!

[sharonisthebettercarter]

we need to have an honest conversation about hostile attribution bias, honesty, and bullying.

@deliciouskeys i've had enough of this shit. you wanted to piss me off. now i'm pissed the fuck off.

hey, hiiii. friends of hers? critics? whoever you are reading this and willing to hear me out, i just wanna start by saying don't hate on her or anyone for this. don't send harassment, don't send anon hate, don't even unfollow her if you do read this all the way and find yourself upset with the topics discussed or her actions.

or maybe you wouldn't anyway, and you've already decided i'm insane, fine. but if you are friends of hers, don't barrage her with verbal abuse of any kind even if you are disappointed or disgusted, i'm not about that. and good friends won't just coddle and take your side to enable the bullshit, but they won't try to hurt you when you're down either

and to clarify what this is? it is a harsh criticism of ongoing behavior i have faced from her behind the scenes. or out in the open i suppose but mostly unseen or dismissed.

yes, i have the motherfucking receipts. i've tried to condense them to what i found most relevant to the topics at hand without clipping the interactions so much that they would give a biased misrepresentation, but all conversations as of this moment and to the best of my knowledge are still available to view in full context. mine certainly won't be deleted.

i may have some bad takes sometimes cause i'm as perfect as anyone, which is to say NOT AT ALL. but i'll readily admit that and the fact that i work on it, CONSTANTLY. and before anyone decides to dig through my shit to see if they can find dirt on me IRRELEVANT to this situation to DISTRACT from what's being called out?

all i ask is a fair chance and moment of your time to show you what i've been through, because it's something she never gave me from day one. and bear in mind please, that i am pissed off because it's gone on long enough and now she's trying to drag my friends into it while CONTINUING TO LIE BEHIND MY BACK and feign fucking ignorance.

no more.

deliciouskeys? you. yes you, i am addressing you directly this time. i gave you a peace offering with the mike sully meme, and you just kept going.

since i poked my head into the boys fandom, you have been hostile to me, LIED about me, put words in my mouth, accused me of hostility towards you, assumed my intent while not only withholding the benefit of a doubt, but consistently. consistently putting me down and insulting me as some sort of estranged fandom villain who only exists or popped up to oppose you or ruin everything.

i'm not a fucking cartoon character, i am a person. i do not exist to supplant you or whatever weird shit you keep imagining me to be that makes you act like this.

almost every single thing i say to you, instead of actually LISTENING or i dunno, READING IT AT FACE VALUE, you take. hyperanalyze. and immediately give it the WORST interpretation you can. and that's if i'm lucky.

i'm not here for fandom wars and shipping bullshit. i'm not here for your false dichotomy fantasy. i'm here to be a bullshit shipper and have fun and try to get others to be more open and have fun too. maybe throw in a psa here and there for the things i find important.

i'm not here to get fucking bullied either or to watch others get bullied. you can take your assumed hostility and narcissistic PROJECTION and shove it straight up your ass if you think i'm going to tolerate it.

and what is 'hostile attribution bias'? it's this shit.

oh, and you don't have to assume it anymore. i'm fucking hostile. why am i hostile? oh... at this point, i KNOW you KNOW. but not everyone else does, so let's just lay it all out and let others draw their own conclusions. hm?

this was what set you off, right? the automatic assumption that this was someone i knew, looking out for me? i suppose that's possible but that doesn't mean i know exactly who it was or that i put them up to it.

and y'know, i might have even said that anon was a bit harsh and still given you the benefit of a doubt. anon was ANGRY and that's clear, but plausible deniability is so wonderful, isn't it?

but you've gone beyond that point. it wouldn't be the first time someone's noticed your behavior, and i can guarantee that. our first conversation was on my post about the comics and what they meant to me, sparked from an interaction i had with another fan of the show who refused to read the comics but still insulted them directly to me.

the bottom piece is from the post, the top would be the snippet of conversation with the other person prior. all of these are highlighted with slightly adjusted coloring for ease of understanding who's who. and granted, you could argue that i jumped the gun in my first response to you, but then you accused me of being hostile towards people who allegedly read and disliked them. and i had done no such thing, i literally was not addressing those people at all.

that was the first time you put words in my mouth, lied about what i said, and 'villainized' me for 'attacking people' made of straw i might add, when the post itself SPECIFICALLY STATED:

MISCONCEPTION.

so not the people, but the IDEA. an actually legitimately incorrect idea given context. i could go into a rant about how the comics cover one of the single most important and detrimental concepts to humanity (the war machine) and how american media is so piss watered down, propagandized and censored for babies and pearl clutching old people (and before you clutch your pearls over me 'attacking' babies and the elderly, i am not. i am criticizing AMERICAN MEDIA and PURITAN MENTALITY) that the comic itself was relatively tame outside of the american world view bubble, but that's not the point here, is it.

the 'many many' actually refers to people off of tumblr too, though i'm sure there's a fair share here of that mindset as it's found everywhere with everything. even then, i don't condemn the people. minds can be changed for ideas, that was what i was trying to do. maybe i need better methods and i can admit that.

still you chose to lie to my face or what, attempt to gaslight me?? whatever it was, it was enough for someone ELSE to step in and literally ask if you were BULLYING me.

and me, being the naive fucking moron that i am and thinking we ended on a nice punny note and the conversation wasn't so bad STILL gave YOU the benefit of a doubt.

did you extend the same courtesy to me later on? well, let's see.

no. no you did not. snippets of a convo from an anon ask you got on a proposed canon butchlander from when i tried to join in, you immediately accused me of things i have never said or done or even implied. and when i called you out on it, you immediately apologized (good on you, not included here but i DO acknowledge it and DID appreciate it) and i thought, "oh cool! we must be explaining ourselves to try and better understand each other so this doesn't happen again."

only for you to then backtrack and jump back on that ASSUMED HOSTILITY shit you seem to just LOVE huffing. but just for me i gather. maybe a couple others that i haven't seen or don't know about.

considering this is just the stuff i DO know about.

moving on.

you have questions? oh, what a cowinkydink, i have answers. if only you had just ASKED ME DIRECTLY INSTEAD OF PUTTING WORDS IN MY MOUTH AND LYING.

but to give some clarification to the numbered ones.

love the framing here. OF COURSE, WE are ONLY here to be a NUISANCE. must be nice being a real human who can interact with others instead of solely "bother" them. if you'd actually read the post, you might have seen it was about the BULLYING itself, not the bullshit that apparently makes you rabid enough to be a bully. great use of being obtuse.

stop putting words in my mouth. stop fucking lying about me. stop assuming my intentions. stop painting me for your weird ass personal agenda or vendetta. stop making up bullshit about me when you haven't taken two seconds to get to know me. i did no such thing as 'slur the cishets'. proof is in the fucking pudding.

ahhh... i understand why you don't block people. and i think i'm understanding the insidious behavior and bullying too. you're disgusting to people who you don't want to see the content of so that they'll block you while you get to pretend you're still on your little high horse of being the "less petty" or "bigger" person. and that way you don't have to see their content anymore, right? having your cake, and eating it too. it's smart. it looks good on you as long as people don't see the behavior, like you might actually want to solve problems.

although, if i'm to understand all this correctly, you don't want to given the continued hostility towards me regardless of what i do or say. am i getting this, more of that delectable plausible deniability? or am i giving you too much credit? do you even want the benefit of a doubt at this point? because you stated before you'd rather be considered evil than stupid.

oh, my mistake, "disgusting" than "ignorant". let me not do what you do and put words in your mouth. clarify for me, if you want to.

personally, i think ignorance is more forgivable than malice because at least the uninformed can learn better, while those with ill intent will seek to harm again, but to each their own i guess.

and if you actually have brain damage over a nonsensical but ultimately harmless shit joke online, i'd suggest seeking actual help from a doctor because that isn't normal. but i'm going to be generous and say maybe it was a bit much or gave you a recurring nightmare or something, i don't know you, in which case yeah, get help if you need it. i take mental health very seriously so i'm not joking or being sarcastic here. happy healing and sorry for the trouble if that's the case on this specific thing.

but oh! you just don't want to see it, right? TOO BAD BITCH, I GOT MORE TO GIVE AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME!!

and i don't have a problem with you writing your personal views about a pairing, any pairing. if that were all you had done, we probably wouldn't be having this conversation or, if you don't care i suppose i wouldn't be screaming into the void.

but you explicitly stated your point of view was "pretty common", that defaults my view as "uncommon" or in other words, "others" me and those who like bottom billy. don't you dare deny that when you know for a fact it's true.

then citing reasons for why you believed your view was more "accurate". you then went on to claim you were "baffled" when if that were true and you were actually interested in TRYING to UNDERSTAND? YOU WOULD HAVE JUST FUCKING ASKED ME DIRECTLY.

not that i would owe you an explanation or apology, or anything. but i'd have been NICE enough to try and answer anyway to the best of my ability. here, i'll do it now.

i'm not a big fan of bottom homie for the same reasons i'm not at all a fan of (show) homewell. apart from the whole superdick/compressing anus thing, narcissistic abuse/grooming and exploiting someone's trauma for a toxic kink is not only a huge turn off for me, it's super fucking triggering based on my experiences and what i have been through. i've had enough people looking down on me and telling me they "know what's best for me" while trying to rob me of my humanity and use me for their gain.

the funny thing is that i relate to homie in that sense but consider myself a total bottom who also LOVES the 'dom mommy' in certain context, but i also share a lot of similarities with butcher as well and know they both have a lot of very intense differences from me. and homie has a fucking vibrator for a dick. you CANNOT make me want to miss a chance for that, it's just not going to happen. and if i ever want to explore any form of 'grooming' kink from a personal place? i'll stick to thanos and mistress death, thanks.

i also don't find toxic masculinity sexy, that's a red fucking flag for me more glaring than the entirety of homelander, i find POSITIVE masculinity far sexier and true 'top' like. MM has the most of that in my opinion and is the sexiest man on the show, besides the guy who plays black noir under the mask.

i also fully understand the kink on the other end, y'all wanna baby him cause he's never had a mommy and longs for some kind of nurturing parental love, and y'all also wanna fuck him cause he's hot. so ya smash the two together and embrace the infantilization kink (which is seriously not my thing)

and listen, more power to ya. if that's what you like, enjoy it. i'm not judging. i just don't have the same fucking taste and i'm entitled to that. i don't understand why you have to comment on it or be "baffled" by the idea that people can be different from you.

for the record, i don't want to smash the two ideas together, i want to help homie SEPARATE and DEMUDDLE the legitimate problems and confusion in his brain that makes him so vulnurable to women's manipulations, and help him grow the fuck up without wanting to fuck his own mother (if he hasn't already) or keep him baby minded forever. i want to untap his potential and see the man he can/would become depending on circumstance.

because i like redemption and character growth and am a sucker for second chances regardless of liking dark media, and there's a huge difference between "i like you" and " i like that you like me".

that requires a more careful handling than anything suface level, but regardless i don't enjoy exploiting trauma kinks or reinforcing toxic masculinity any more than i would enjoy yiff or snuff. i wouldn't judge someone for having the taste as long as no one real got hurt. but that doesn't mean i have to have their taste.

stop kink shaming me or being "confused" by my preference, i haven't done the same to you. and before you pretend you haven't or that i have.

if you were "seriously trying to understand" you would again, ASK ME DIRECTLY instead of this roundabout bullshit where you talk about it and 'how confused or tired' you are, but can't be bothered to take two fucking seconds to JUST ASK for a more serious answer beyond willem dafoe.

if i wanted to shame you for having a kink, i wouldn't be subtle about it. but i wouldn't anyway because i wouldn't even shame those who have a rape fantasy because i have one and have written and read plenty of it. i file it under 'horror pr0n' with a number of other things, and not every form or 'flavor' of horror pr0n that exists is going to be for everyone, much the same as fucking regular horror. but if it's FICTION, it shouldn't matter.

i understand that and if i judged others for having different tastes or acted... well like YOU, that would make me a hypocrite.

and your friend got it PERFECTLY on the first note. and then decided to enable the bullshit yet again by subscribing to the bane of human unity, tribalism. thanks for reinforcing the idea that this HAS to be a dichotomy WHEN IT'S NOT.

a little healthy teasing and competition? i'm game. it's too bad that's not what this was.

i am not your fucking enemy just because YOU decided i was, YOU do not get to decide that for me. but i'll give them the benefit of a doubt and say they were 'just joking', right?

that's ALL it ever is. "just jokes". but JUST when you or "your side" do it. it's not like you've ever been derogatory and petty about "your side" being the "good side" of fandom.

if you have to constantly reinforce and self assure how "good" you are compared to "others" specifically not part of your niche bubble?

you're an asshole who's not actually "good", full stop. if you have to measure your self worth based on what others do or comparing yourself to them, actually seek help because that's not healthy. just my two cents

but if you want to get technical, NO ONE IS RIGHT AND NEITHER BILLY NOR HOMELANDER IS TOP OR BOTTOM IN A TRADITIONAL SENSE, not just because opinions and preferences can't be right or wrong. because butchlander isn't fucking canon, isn't going to become canon, and as far as we know, both characters are confirmed 100% STRAIGHT within the show with toxic masculinity issues a mile long and would never wanna touch each other like that with a 10 foot pole, and homelander's shown exactly ZERO interest in actually being pegged thus far, so that idea's a headcanon.

even herogasm showed us that 3 on fucking 1 STILL wasn't enough to take him down and homie freaking out over a bruise from an unfair challenge of 3 on 1 because it had logically been a very long time since he'd been hurt makes reasonable sense on a basic surface level. he's then over it by the time maeve makes him bleed and carries on bleeding, and now butcher's dying and is the most vulnurable and literally weak because he's sick of the bunch, so... headcanons? headcanons are fine but let's not forget reality and then laugh at the people who remember it.

and if you had just asked me why i even brought up lovely amazing beautiful cishet women (not at all sarcastic, see above purple posts), instead of YET AGAIN. ASSUMING MY INTENT AND PUTTING A LOAD OF CRAP IN MY MOUTH. you can have that back by the way, what the actual fuck is wrong with you??

or for clarification on why i brought it up? i could have TOLD YOU MYSELF. because unlike SOME PEOPLE, when someone just ASKS a question or gives a neutral or even heated response? I DON'T ASSUME HOSTILITY OR TAKE IT PERSONALLY FROM THEM LIKE IT'S A FUCKING SPORT.

fact (and correct me if i'm wrong): majority of people participating in shipping fandom are cishet women.

this is a simple fact, it doesn't mean anything beyond that, i specifically said both times there's nothing wrong with this.

a majority of people are cishet, so this is to be expected. it still doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the people.

fact: society has issues, ideas, and expectations that affect and harm us all. cishet, or queer. and these issues will and do present themselves in fandom and fan fictions whether we realize that or not. heteronormativity would be one of those. misogyny is another.

and one of my kinks is challenging that, or at least the way i see to challenge that while dunking on redpill idealogy and toxic masculinity because i fucking can.

and i just LOVE how you tout about having the "pReTtY cOmMoN" perception which newsflash, YOU ARE NOT IMMUNE TO HETERONORMATIVE IDEAOLOGY IF YOU THINK TOXIC MASCULINITY IS A REASON A MAN WOULD NEVER BOTTOM. you'd be surprised what people could get up to behind closed doors. but then you turn around and not only put more words in my mouth, enable anon to put words in my mouth, discourage getting a direct answer from me, accuse me and my friends of being the type to randomly accuse someone else of doxxing??? wtf even is that.

and of course. given your 'pretty common' perception being the total opposite of heteronormativity, it MUST mean that society has resolved all of its issues and come to accept queer people exactly as they are in all forms with no expectations or interference whatsoever, oh yeah. places like florida or uganda just totally don't exist. the u.s. isn't on the verge of becoming an actual fascist hellhole for us, and it is TOTALLY just... no one oppresses us. no one.

ESPECIALLY not the cishets.

and despite all the evidence to the contrary, you especially have done nothing wrong here and its all in my head. is that right? can you clarify for me? do you think that my situations have put zero pressure on me in my day to day life? on my friends' lives? do you think you didn't add to that? do you think you and company are the only ones that feel or react like humans?

imagine being so far up your own ass you tell the queer HOW to queer. or at least be a GOOD queer, right?

oh, i'm sorry let me not put words in your mouth. you were of course only laughing at me behind my back for the 'anti-cishet' things i never said.

and no. OBVIOUSLY i wasn't saying any of the shit you accused. i was saying i prefer SUBVERSIVE themes when i do my tops and bottoms and a more detailed look at that can be found in my purple all over responses or just the posts themselves, but if you still want to ask me anyway, i'll answer to the best of my ability.

and what a coincidence that despite you understanding top/bottom not just being related to penetration and some people will feel certain dynamics may be reductive, how ironic that you couldn't possibly fathom that as one of my main complaints.

you don't WANT to actually understand. you just wanted a circle jerk of confirmation bias.

this anon hit the nail on the fucking head. and you wanted to fight them?? i could have overlooked this but i wanted to touch on something really important because i don't know what anon may have seen but i once saw you answer an ask about homelander's redeemability and you cited "tough love" as a means to get there.

and as a former addict and narcissistic abuse survivor (specifying for context), i can tell you first hand "tough love" is not a real thing, and it's not discipline either because that requires teaching and providing tools for rehabilitation. but don't just take my word for it.

from a psychological perspective and to hear actual professionals go over the concept? "tough love" not only DOESN'T work. it is an excuse to be nasty and abusive to someone under the guise that you are only doing it to help them, when all it really does is make you an abusive fuck.

this would be why the SHOW had HOMELANDER of all people saying it, why what billy did to ryan is presented the way it was with HUGHIE of all people, the guy who was at the time dealing with a huge wad of toxic masculinity issues up his ass, 'got it'. and even BUTCHER'S DAD is presented as the piece of shit that he is who gladly passed on his curse to butcher like it was a 'gift'.

even the comics got this when they present butcher doing his scumlord over 9000 move to hughie and annie saying "cruel to be kind" about his own bullshit. no. no no no. he did NOT do that for hughie's well being. he did it for himself because he was a selfish prick.

and i want to be clear. i am being an asshole here and i fully recognize that. that's for ME to feel better because i am fed up with your bullshit. because you have spent your time poking and prodding me for a hostile reaction. well congrats motherfucker. you got it.

and there ain't NO fucking love there.

i won't be your enemy. but i am NOT your friend either. clearly YOU wouldn't want that anyway.

but because i always have to add in that disclaimer for basic human decency? EVEN WITH HOW I FEEL and what the actual science says about "tough love", i would still never tell someone they can't use it in fiction, presented as a toxic kink or whatever the fuck else. even if it triggers me. even if i have a thousand different reasons to criticize it and voice that in a separate space.

people can do whatever the fuck they want and i can't control that. neither can you.

but i don't have to engage with the content or speak positively on it or keep my mouth shut, and i'm not gonna harrass people or pull the kind of insidious bullshit you do either.

at the end of the day, this is fiction. and if you feel the need to run an entire fucking smear campaign about me over fiction and preferences??

stop lying about me

stop putting words in my mouth

stop talking about me behind my back

stop predetermining who i am for me

stop assuming hostility when i will flat out tell you my intent and you can just ask, that doesn't just go for me.

stop fucking gatekeeping and gaslighting.

I DON'T HAVE A DISHONESTY PROBLEM LIKE SOME PEOPLE.

and fuck you.

neither me nor any of my friends or these anons are crazy and i will not sit around while you try to fucking gaslight me or anyone else. try it again, i fucking dare you.

bottom billy lovers existing is not an attack on you. it never was. you don't own the tags. FUCKING DEAL.

this behavior? is UNNACCEPTABLE.

as for fandom? a few more things i want to cover. i couldn't have said it better than a friend of mine who while a little hectic and crazy sometimes, has been nothing but a sweetheart<3 that i just want to encourage and motivate to art or post pictures of her billy butcher kitty babygirl incarnate but unfortunately due to circumstances may be regressing back into her shell.

a message i will never stop promoting, whatever iteration it comes in, whenever it comes up.

i may disagree with what you are saying or doing, but as long as you are not harming anyone, i will fight wholeheartedly for your right to say or do so.

that is the philosphy of true freedom, THAT is what i subscribe to. and it pisses me the fuck off when i see people trying to punish or hurt people for things that hurt no one. we don't get to decide how other people want to live their lives. we can only navigate and hope we might find a friend along the way.

and THAT is the single greatest picture of captain america ever fucking created. no i will take dissenting opinions.

in regards to assumed hostility or hostile attribution bias, a more lighthearted and easily digestable demonstration is below.

gais... just don't do it. don't automatically assume that someone means you harm or pain simply because they disagree with you. this is what leads to more problems. this is what leads to human tribalism. this is what divides us. this is what destroys us. this is what leads to wars. fandom shipping bullshit or otherwise.

the fucking stupidest invention of humanity, fought over goddamn unholy wads of paper and scribbles of ink because people couldn't accept that their ideas weren't accepted by everyone else, and anyone who didn't fall in line got the axe. or alienated. or excommunicated. or accused of being a witch. or whatever.

but this is the kinda shit we need to nip in the bud at the most basic level we can, every time we can.

it's called intolerance of the intolerant. and it's how we stop hatred from fostering and the intolerance being tolerated and eventually taking over.

because assumed hostility? it IS intolerance.

people are not made from ideas, it's the people who make or break the ideas, not the other way around. and ideas can change.

that should never be seen as a bad thing because it's necessary for positive changes and better understanding as time goes on.

challenge yourselves and the way you think, listen to newcomers and welcome them, have healthy discussions, learn to agree to disagree. it's not that hard.

and i know, i get it. it's not easy, not that simple either. everyone's on edge, people are sickly addicted to hatred and anger because they are EASY. giving in to them doesn't require self control or any form of discipline, it is as simple as instinct. it IS instinct. but if humanity has ANY hope of moving forward?

we HAVE to learn to give people the benefit of a doubt. we HAVE to learn to listen to each other, *actually* listen and hear *exactly* what others are saying. HAVE to learn to identify the difference between a differing *non-hostile* opinion and actual *intolerance*

because the world has already seen what happens when we FAIL and eventually we WILL run out of chances to get it right.

please at least TRY to give the benefit of the doubt in an appropriate situation.

i'll lead by example.

keys? even you. even now, i'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt DESPITE how you've treated me AND my friends now. because MAYBE you were actually key in the sketch and just having a bad day each time we interacted or MAYBE you have some sort of trauma getting triggered whenever you see my shit or we interact or whatever the fuck it could be, MAYBE you are feeling the pressures of a self discovery coming out journey and it's manifesting badly (yes i did notice that and if this is the case i would still wish you nothing but good will and luck with that, not sarcastic), or some combination, there's a million reasons and i don't know you, so i'm not going to assume or say anything for certain.

unlike some people.

but i don't think you're stupid. on the contrary, looking at your posts, my first 'assumption' was that you are actually very well educated and were just enjoying having fun and being silly. later and based on some things i saw, it occured to me that your education/upbringing may put you at odds or at a disadvantage with connecting with people online or having them understand you, that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you or them, it just means you're speaking different languages.

even the "tough love" thing could be a miscommunication/malapropism. it could also be internal denial because you had a loved one do that to you and still haven't come to terms with the actual abuse you were experiencing because "they knew best"

i've been there. but maybe i'm the one who's projecting just to give you the benefit of a doubt. is it fair for me to take out my own frustrations on random people? fuck to the NO. which is why i TRY regularly to keep that shit in line and my life private.

so i absolutely will not excuse you for being so blatantly dishonest about me either behind my back or to my face because even if you do think i'm being hostile (when i'm not), there's no excuse for that. no, i wouldn't excuse myself either.

that needs to stop in a general sense, and i know you KNOW you are doing that because you'd have to *actually* be the biggest fucking illiterate moron on the planet to not know at this point.

especially when i reached out to you before to try and resolve this calmly and you ignored me and then continued lying about me, yucking it up with anons and buddies like high school mean girls. officially. unironically. instead of doing an ounce of self reflecting.

and i didn't include those messages, but the continued disingenuity and callous misrepresentation is there. and especially the carving into my character to define me however you want without giving me a voice to speak for myself.

stop it. you know it. i know it. maybe you think i'm some country bumpkin cousin hick fucker who happens to conveniently be queer but is remarkably stupid or an easy target.

and maybe i am stupid for ever giving you the benefit of a doubt, but you don't get to rob me of my humanity or basic courtesy.

because YOU'RE human too. and you have a right to your thoughts and feelings and opinions, and i get that, and i support it

even if by some fucking bizarre coocoo for cocoa puffs alternate reality, butchlander were to become canon the way I saw it? i wouldn't gloat or celebrate or try to rub it in your face.

I would encourage you to keep liking what you like and keep being yourself, maybe even harder than before.

even knowing you wouldn't do the same for me. at least from personal experience. see any of the above. and if you think i'm a self righteous prick for it, so fucking be it.

but if you're going to be an asshole? at least own the fuck up to it.

oh, and by the way? i now headcanon that billy butcher once a month puts on a full body gimp suit and with ball gag to do some strange kinda unholy shit with fruit OR veggies (never both), and it HAS to be a waning crecent moon, because i fucking can. and you can't stop me. ;)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

gais... don't immediately assume hostility. please. i know tone can be hard to interpret through writing or typic and emojis help, and yeah, i know i can jump the gun too. but i try to take things told to me at face/basic value or read them in a neutral tone and i think it helps too.

but we should never be judging anyone before we know them.

[adamsvanrhijn]

Hii! Feel free to not answer this question, I guess it might be uncomfy for somebody but anyways.

I'm a lesbian and, finding out that you're also a lesbian, I wanted to ask why you think we enjoy stories about gay men? You wrote many of fics about them, many NC17 even, but I can't stop wondering why we, lesbians, enjoy it if we're attracted to women and do not like men in real life?

hello!! this ask is VERY old & i wrote this response a while ago and just found it in me drafts. idk if you still follow me even, but this is an interesting question, thank you for thinking of me during your wondering!

obviously i can speak only for myself (i know this is a topic a lot of people have a spectrum of thoughts about.)

personally i have been consistently writing & reading about m/m ships since like 2009-2010 or so, when i stopped lurking & started interacting in les mis fandom. prior to that, with a couple exceptions i won't admit to, i wrote almost entirely f/f fanfiction which there was not really a market for to say the least. so i do think at a logistic level there is a positive feedback loop — in most of the fandom spaces i have been in, a lot of people Are interested in men in real life, and the subset of those people interested in m/m stories is significant, and those people frequently are not really interested in f/f stories. (generally the people most interested in f/f stories are men and women into women.) there is content available and people react well to content you bring into being. so it can be comfortable to just hang out there rather than put something else out that you don't know how people will react to.

that does not get to the heart of your question but it is something to think about around this topic i think.

as for what the actual draw is, i don't know!

i know people have ideas about this with women being more interested in m/m stories in general — e.g. it feels "safer" when a story is about a man because it does not tend to come with things you often worry about as a woman; or, (you see this a lot in history fandoms) man characters have more agency than woman characters do and so do more interesting things (to some!), or more things the reader might want to do than a woman character would realistically do; or, a given media is targeted to men and women add or perceive an emotional romance Element to make it match their media preferences (nurtured or otherwise)

personally i will say i think a lot of conversations that go along those lines can veer toward misogyny even with the best of intentions. but i also get it, because i am a stickler for certain things too, and it is absolutely true that many stories about men Would Not Work (i.e., feel like something that could happen in real life) if the men were in fact women who resemble most women — women are a marginalized group of people who may have and have had different paths available to them.

i don't think that's really it for me though? on an emotional level i don't think greater capability or opportunity necessarily makes a relationship more or less appealing to me. as of right now, and i am realizing now you did not actually ask this question, i would not say that i enjoy m/m stories More, just that there are more of them and what i am currently most interested in happens to have that Canonically. and this is just with writing.... all of my original fiction with romance in it is f/f but i am never publishing any of that so it is not relevant i fear but if i read nontraditional original fiction i usually veer toward stories with f/f and it's a selling point for me as a fiction consumer

so for why i Do enjoy m/m stuff: i like stories exploring relationships in general. men are human beings so they have human traits that resonate with me, and m/m Situations tend to resonate for me as a lesbian as well, and sex can have some common themes no matter who is doing it that i feel are more appealing on the basis of Vibes and Feelings than, actually being attracted to the characters who are having sex themselves. it's a lot more like, symbolic than that i feel. it's kind of an I Just Think They're Neat thing in some ways. i don't think there's necessarily a logical throughline that liking to read about men having sex means you want to have sex with men or find men physically attractive in and of themselves tbh. i'm not the guy in the story you know? :-)

[sophieinwonderland]

How would you feel if I started spouting nonsense about ASD and claiming all sorts of things were comparable...

You've never had any issue spouting nonsense about non-disordered systems and tulpamancy, so I would frankly just consider it more of the same.

I challenge your single Lowenstein article, about CAMBRIAN of all people

Why is the subject Loewenstein was talking about the least bit relevant here? Your hatred of Cambrian has literally nothing to do with the topic and doesn't invalidate Loewentstein's words.

Anyway, I have absolutely no idea what you think your screenshots are supposed to prove.

Let's go for the first one...

The conclusion you draw here is...

So the biological process is disordered, and dissociating through the day is dysfunction, even if it doesn’t feel like it is.

I am not seeing the logical leap in reaching this conclusion. And while I generally agree with the last point, it also really depends on what you're talking about when you refer to dissociation. Because while depersonalization and derealization is generally considered on the pathological end of the spectrum, there are also non-pathological forms of dissociation which are completely acceptable. From the APA website:

Dissociation is a disconnection between a person’s thoughts, memories, feelings, actions or sense of who he or she is. This is a normal process that everyone has experienced. Examples of mild, common dissociation include daydreaming, highway hypnosis or “getting lost” in a book or movie, all of which involve “losing touch” with awareness of one’s immediate surroundings.

This is actually a good example of why we have the distress or impairment criterion. It's to help distinguish between pathological and nonpathological symptoms. Certain forms of dissociation may be dysfunctional. Others may be completely healthy and normal. And the level of dissociation itself may be problematic. Someone who daydreams a little throughout the say is fine, but when it causes distress or impairment in their functioning, then it could rise to the level MADD.

The Distress and Impairment criterion is meant to help distinguish between the two.

disordered =/= dysfunctional and in need of treatment

I agree, but I don't really know how this is relevant. This passage is talking about how you can experience dysfunction without a disorder and would still need treatment.

I think you may be trying to use this to say that having a disorder doesn't require you to experience any dysfunction whatsoever, but that seems contradictory to the screenshot right before that literally defines mental disorders as "a clinically significant disturbance in [areas] that reflects dysfunction..." so I'm sure that can't be what you're saying. But if it's not, I'm not sure what you think this passage proves.

Pay close attention to that highlighted portion. The not-so-newly added criteria of clinical distress to the DID section is a generic placeholder meant to distinguish pathological from “normal”. In other words, “Only a disorder is a disorder.”

And a disorder is defined in these cases by clinically significant distress or impairment.

This is again affirming that you need distress or impairment to have a mental disorder.

Yes, you provided screenshots from the DSM, but they don't contradict anything said by Loewenstein, but instead reinforce it. You established in the first screenshot that disorders reflect dysfunction, and re-established here that you need distress or impairment to have a disorder.

Now, I'm not going to go into much detail into the second link because the articles you quote from are mostly talking about the threshold problem and false positives, and don't really support your case.

To summarize, most of these articles are arguing that the clinically significant distress or impairment criterion isn't sufficient enough at fixing the problems it was created for, (preventing healthy people from being diagnosed with mental disorders) and that the "clinically significant" piece leaves too much discretion on the part of the clinician with no guidance on how to apply that discretion. They argue for more specific and objective metrics.

This is a far cry from supporting the notion that you can have OSDD or DID without being having any distress or impairment though, or that being plural inherently causes either, which is the claim you try to make.

And unlike the Loewenstein quote, absolutely none of those sources deals with the application of this criterion to DID or OSDD.

I gave a source from a DID specialist that explicitly references the criterion being relevant to DID, and absolutely none of your sources have contradicted that.

And certainly, none support your final conclusion, which I DO want to highlight.

How much more proof do people need before they stop making this ridiculous claim and spreading misinformation?You cannot have alters and be “multiple” and claim to be “non-disordered”. By virtue of having alters and being “multiple”, based on frequency, duration, and intensity, you are disordered. Welcome to the club.

Because some people may be under the false impression that your invasion of the endogenic tags with this misinformation was in completely good faith and not intended at all to try to convince systems that they must have dissociative disorders.

So I just want to relieve any readers of such a notion.

Or, just stay out of conversations you don’t belong in.

You came into OUR tags. You invaded our space with medical misinformation that was meant to convince people they have disorders they don't even meet the criteria for. Misinformation that has been repeatedly used against our community to harm us.

I don't care if you want to spread your misinformation in anti-endo tags. But when you spread it here, it's my problem.

Why do you act like the authority on a disorder you don't even have? You're arguing with people who have DID about the criteria for DID... Which they had to meet.... To be diagnosed. I'd say that makes them pretty familiar with the criteria for the disorder.

Wouldn't you trust, say, a schizophrenic person on the criteria for their disorder? You'd think they'd know what is required to be diagnosed with a disorder they have. So why don't you trust people with DID?

So are you saying that you would trust someone with DID and Schizophrenia but no medical background to diagnose others with their disorders just because they got diagnosed?

I think having a disorder makes you qualified to speak on your own experiences with your disorder, and those experiences can be incredibly valuable in many contexts. But I don’t think it makes one an authority on all the criteria and how things are diagnosed.

I've seen so many normal DID things fakeclaimed by other DID systems in r/systemscringe who thought "I don't experience this so therefore no one does." Should these systems on r/systemscringe be blindly trusted in their fakeclaiming?

And as for the question about Schizophrenia, somebody with delusions but no hallucinations has literally no concept of how hallucinations work. But even hallucinatory experiences vary vastly. Someone who only experiences vivid external auditory hallucinations might wrongfully conclude that all auditory hallucinations are experienced this way, even though many Schizophrenics report only internal hallucinations akin to the mindvoice of headmates or a mix of both.

Having a disorder simultaneously gives valuable insight into the disorder and biases you towards your own specific presentations of the disorder. It doesn't make you an expert on anything outside of your experiences. And it certainly doesn't make you qualified to speak on non-pathological presentations of similar symptoms.

We have ASD, but that doesn't give us some type of special unique qualifications to speak on literally every case of ASD on the spectrum or where the boundaries with non-pathological experiences and other disorders lie. Our experiences are valuable as our own experiences but don't magically make us authorities on all autism.

In the post earlier, I quoted Dr. Richard Loewenstein responding to a question about the difference between the multiplicity experienced by tulpamancers and DID systems. He, an actual specialist in DID and trauma, referred to the fact that disorders have the distress or impairment criterion as a reason why what tulpamancers experience doesn't cross the threshold into experiencing DID or OSDD.

And so you have a choice to make. You can take your medical advice from random Tumblr blogs like SysmedsAreSexist and JAS that, while they have experience with DID, have no understanding of non-disordered multiplicity and will try to tell you that all multiplicity is inherently disordered and the criterion is meaningless. Or you can trust trained medical professionals like the one I cited.

One last thing to keep in mind about the distress and impairment criterion though: The distress and impairment wording is almost directly ripped straight from the APA's official resolution when they announced they would no longer consider homosexuality a disorder, and I don't think that's an accident.

“We will no longer insist on a label of sickness for individuals who insist that they are well and demonstrate no generalized impairment in social effectiveness.”

There are a lot of really awful, bad faith readings of this criterion going around, but this is fundamentally the spirit the criterion was written in.

The APA had previously labeled people mentally ill who insisted they were healthy and demonstrated no impairment. The APA resolved to change and do better.

Now here we are nearly 50 years later, and this is the same fight. We, non-disordered systems, are multiple. We are plural. We are not impaired by our plurality, and are shouting again and again that we do not have a disorder.

And whether you choose to believe us and our experiences may very well determine how history views you in 50 years.

[inhum3n]

Maladaptive daydreaming and fanfiction

Ya’ll. We’re here finally on a topic that has been on my mind for almost a month. Lets dive in.

You can tell I'm passionate about this shit because I actually wrote this post first on a doc. Than copied it over. Anyways lets dive in.

Maybe I'm extrapolating but I believe many MaDDers are familiar with fanfiction. And I mean if you're on tumblr then yeah duh you know fanfiction. But just in case, fanfiction is a written work based off an established universe like a tv show, book series, or movie. It can also take from the real world, like using celebrities. People write fanfiction for a lot of reasons, maybe because they wanna write some horny shit, or they want to rewrite the bad ending to a tv show they used to like, or they use it as a therapeutic outlet.

I wanna talk about the experience of MaDDers who are consumers of fanfiction. I can't speak for MaDDers who write fanfiction, a part of me doubts how easily a MaDDer could write a whole ass fanfiction, since I've seen MaDDers joke about how hard it is for them to write about their paracosms.

I've gone through periods binging and then dropping fanfiction. I am in a binging period right now. I read a lot of fanfiction. And I cannot deny how closely tied it is to my daydreaming.  I only read fanfiction relevant to my current paracosms. So if I'm currently occupying a paracosm about marvel characters, all the fanfiction I read will be marvel based. If I start reading fanfiction from a different fandom that usually denotes either the beginning of a transition into a new paracosm or just a temporary deviation.  Since the fanfiction I read is tied to my paracosms, fanfiction serves as a fueling agent, inspiration, and/or another form of daydreaming. I'll break each of these down.

Fueling Agent: I talked about this before, but a reason why daydreaming is so consuming is partly due to the prep/refueling phase. This is a 1 to 2 hour period where I consume content that'll give me that emotional jolt(motivation, excitement) to daydream. It's much more fun to go into a daydream out of eagerness rather than apathy and being dragged in. So if my current paracosm is marvel based, I would watch clips from marvel movies, look at marvel fanart, or read marvel fanfiction. Reading is an emotional experience, so fanfiction works well to reinvigorate my attachment and interest in my paracosms. I may write more in depth about his fueling thing in another post. I'd be interested to hear if you guys do this as well.

Inspiration: This is closely tied to the previous reason. There are so many talented and creative fanfic writers, who write such wonderful alternate universes with great scenes. Specific scenes or alternate universe themes can be very inspiring. And its not uncommon that after finishing a fanfiction of a certain AU to make a variant paracosm(a paracosm that’s similar to my current one but in a different setting - same characters though just a change of scenery) made similarly to that fic.

Fanfiction as a conduit of daydreaming: This one may be more confusing. The way I see it is daydreaming is a form of escapism into an alternate universe, and reading is well, the same. Especially since - and I cannot stress this enough - the fanfiction I read is directly connected to and contains the same characters that I am currently using as paras. And because of this close connection, fanfiction is extremely addicting.  The daydreaming is addicting why wouldn't a conduit of it be as well? There's this urge and draw to immediately head off to ao3 when I have a little too much free time on my hands. And finding a good fic and reading it can be incredibly emotionally investing. Daydreaming is also an emotional investment. It's kind of like indulging in a daydream where I really have no control or knowledge as to where its going. And you can go back and reread the fic or parts of it the same way you can incessantly repeat parts of a daydream.

To conclude, I believe that my joy of fanfiction nearly all derives from its ties to my paracosms, thus attributing to both fanfiction and daydreamings addictive qualities. The main difference is that if I put my phone down I stop reading fanfiction, but I cannot turn off my brain so the daydreaming feels more invasive, uncontrollable, and addicting.

I'd like to hear your guys' thought. I'll probably reblog other reblogs to this post. Have a lovely day, remember to drink water and to give your feet a rest from all the pacing.

[eu1a1awrence]

Release the Harpocrates!George analysis??

😳👉👈

OOOOOH ANON U HAVE UNLEASHED THE FLOOD GATES YES. YES I SHALL.

im kinda copy-pasting this from google docs so sorry if any formatting fucks up, and its incredibly selfserving and specific in an attempt to find any and all possible links (do i really believe that they investigated this hard into the mythology? no. would this still be cool as shit? yes!)

so anyway disclaimer i am no mythology historian so if any of this is wrong uh...... artistic license.?. also its kinda long. sorry in advance lmao

okay so harpocrates is a greek interpretation of horus (the ancient egyptian god of the sun). hes the greek god of silence/secrets, but the greeks sorta misinterpreted the egyptian symbol for child (because horus was often depicted as a child/child god) as a symbol for silence, and i kind of relate this to fanon mis/interpretations of georges character being naive (''Naive and weak, George usually doesn't know what to do'' via dsmp wiki.) when he's just as much a seasoned warrior as the others, he just doesnt get involved with it much.

additional meanings/symbols of harpocrates is that he was ‘the distant one’ or ‘the one who is above’, which i think relates directly to georges apathy (regardless of its fanon or canon misinterpretations). also possibly something about his developing relationship with dreamxd & his developing lore to being /more than/ human so to say.

so if we accept that george really IS harpocrates, there are several links - and here is where it becomes distinctly intricate in an attempt to find as many similarities as possible, and youll have to forgive me for it - one may draw between harpocrates, george, and their symbolism.

like that Horus is the form of the first sun, and george is one of the founding members of DSMP.

harpocrates is commonly represented by a sheaf of corn. George was desperate to get back to his wheat farming during the loreman streams

bad told george in those streams to 'ask the sky' if he should take bad's items' when dreamxd killed him. horus>sun god>the sun & moon are commonly referred to as his eyes. this could also be some sort of hint to dreamxd being an omniscient sort of being tho. or both. who knows

Harpocrates (at least, his egyptian form as the young horus) was often depicted on a lotus flower. Lotus flower symbolism seems incredibly relevant to DSMP. they symbolise purity (innocence, childishness, naivety; bad referred to his items as ‘infected’, and george has never been to visit the egg - perhaps he’s pure of it?), enlightenment (there is a lot of emphasis and continued references to knowledge, curiosity, and ‘knowing the truth’. Karl, dream, quackity, and fundy seem to currently be the main purveyors of this and ¾ of them have relations to george), self regeneration and rebirth (resurrection book).

like idk maybe its a huge reach (probably is tbh) but theres a lot of underlying symbolism???

lotus flowers are also used as symbols of the union of higher/lower egypt and the union of two kingdoms, which makes me think of, like, the inbetween and the other-side, or life/death, and sleep/awake, greater dsmp/lmanberg, i could probably go on.

in egyptian mythology, young horus’s parents were osiris (the god of the underworld/death) and isis (goddess of death/magic/healing). There are a few moments where george tries to make amends/healings (like telling dreamxd to apologise after being excessively violent, ‘we’ll make amends’ in his lorestream). also (this part is bullshit and selfserving because i just think its cool) but wilbur playing loreman, being georges dad, and wilburs canonical character being an omen of death and destruction and the fact that (young) horus’s father was osiris.

the fact that egyptian pharoahs were seen as reincarnations of horus to the king george arc but maybe this is pushing it a bit (as if the rest of it hasnt been)

SO. horus is commonly depicted with a falcon or a sparrowhawk head. falcons symbolise freedom and victory, and were also often related to war gods in egypt. Spiritually, a falcon symbolises wisdom and protection (again, another mention to knowledge/wisdom, and george is presumably desperate for protection as seen in his desperation for netherite armour from dreamXD). Sparrowhawks symbolise the need to tap into a warrior at any time; like george calling/inviting dreamXD to the SMP whenever he's online which im fairly sure was discussed in georges lore stream too?

also roses are sometimes symbolic of harpocrates. they are sometimes used to show guests that any topic discussed in the room receiving them is not to be repeated or discussed elsewhere: where have we seen roses recently? the syndicate. (also the in-between and the quackity art, if you want to pull it into other lore avenues. All of these thrive on secrecy; karl keeping his time travel a secret; the syndicate remaining secret; and quackity not telling anyone about much of what goes on las nevadas/his prison visits with dream).

anyway: this was like all just for fun and i dont think it’s going to come true at all, it would just be cool as anything :> apologies again if any of my facts are wrong im just trying to tie knots in the lore with wet spaghetti

also a lot of this was aided by help from @insert-cleverurl bc we spent like. a while brainrotting this on discord. :D maybe one day ill make more lore theory/analysis posts because i have a cool dream/dreamxd one bubbling away

[lesbian-vmin]

Why do you think Vmin are "allowed" these questionable (at least for those who ship them) moments? I find it curious that some things are really pushed to the front (jikook for sure), and then sometime we get the vmin moments and left to wonder are they real or fanservice? I really despise the thought that either Jimin/V/other members are doing this on purpose, because they genuinely seem authentic (as much as a celebrity can be on camera), 1/2

Honestly, the whole moment of Jimin saying that he didn’t keep in touch with his members at all was pretty weird. Jimin, since day one, has painted himself as someone who loves his members very much. He doesn’t want to be away from them for too long, and he seems more interested with collaborating with each one of them individually before moving onto people outside of his group. This might be why we don’t have him collaborating with other artists while Jungkook, Hoseok, Namjoon, and Yoongi have all done so. And of course BTS as a whole. (I don’t think Taehyung and Jin have? But I might be forgetting something) And Jimin has a great voice. There’s no reason anyone wouldn’t want to feature him in a song. So I’m sure there are people who want to collaborate with him, and I imagine he’s gotten offers. (This is relevant to the ask, I promise.) Although language barriers may be a reason (he might not be as comfortable collaborating with people he can’t communicate with well as some of the others are, excluding Namjoon (and maybe Jungkook is getting there) who is better at English.)

So we can look at this several ways. We can take Jimin at his very minimal word and assume that he didn’t communicate with his members at all during his vacation. In which case, I would assume that he took it as a very much needed break from them, and decided to focus on the time that he was able to spend with his family. Or, we can assume that not every word is 100% true. Maybe when he says he didn’t keep in contact, he doesn’t mean that he didn’t keep in contact at all. Maybe he messaged them once in a while to see how they were doing, but didn’t contact them regularly. Maybe he did keep in contact with them, but just wasn’t talking about his vacation. They could have talked about anything under the sun, but since they weren’t sharing vacation details, he may have counted that as not keeping in contact. Because people would question, “mm, if you guys were in contact regularly, why don’t you know details about each other’s vacations?” If they happen to be talking about something, and another member seems to not know the information. He didn’t want to give anyone a reason to question things like that. We can also wonder if he did, in fact, keep in contact with them, but he doesn’t want to share certain things about the members and his personal time. So he just told us that he didn’t stay in contact with them. I don’t know whether to take Jimin at his word for that specific moment, but I also don’t think it matters whether they stayed in contact or not. Even if the members are close and consider each other friends or family, they don’t have to remain in contact at all times. I don’t think it’s weird for friends to go on vacation (say, home for the holidays) and not talk to each other. In fact, it’s the truest friends that can come back after not speaking for a week to months at a time and act like normal (instead of being awkward each other). Act like no time was lost. (At least this is how I see it because it’s how I am with my friends. I don’t typically keep in regular contact with people who aren’t physically around me [I don’t text much, so unless someone like talking on the phone or video chatting, we probably wouldn’t stay in contact while apart] because I like to enjoy the company of those I am actually with. This might have been the case for them. It doesn’t mean they aren’t close or don’t care about each other.)

Disclaimer. This post may talk about topics that could offend easily offended people. If you are easily offended. Don’t read. You have been warned. Also I talk a lot about both Jikook and Vmin in here. Skip to the Vmin part if (for whatever reason) you don’t want to read about Jikook. But I’d rather you really read the whole post because this goes beyond shipping and focuses on them as people.

JIKOOK

The way Jikook is pushed to the front to me is actually one of the things that make me feel like they are fan service a lot of the times. (I’m not saying anything bad about Jikook because it’s pretty obvious that Jimin and Jungkook both adore each other and love being around each other, but they really are pushed quite hard and obviously.) I don’t know why that is. I don’t know the company’s reason behind pushing Jikook so hard, but I have at least one idea as to why they would do so (if they aren’t a couple). Because Jungkook is the “manliest” member of the group, and Jimin is the most “feminine.” You have Jungkook who is tall, broad, and strong. Then there’s Jimin who is small and cute, and he doesn’t try so hard to be manly these days. (I felt like he tried to present himself like a strong man in early debut because he didn’t want people to view him as the smallest and weakest member of the group, but it’s pretty clear that he became more confident in who he actually is over the years. And this is not a hint toward any gender-identity because I’m a firm believer that a man doesn’t have to fit the “masculine” spectrum to identify as a man. I feel like that’s leaning toward toxic masculinity).

Anyway, focusing on the Jikook thing, I think that’s why they get pushed forward a lot. And I hate to say that about Big Hit because it’s a bold statement to make, but it makes sense. They can easily look like a couple because it’s easy for people to imagine Jungkook as the “man” and Jimin as the “woman.” Since there are many shippers who ship for fetish reasons instead of gay right reason, these kinds of ships are likely to draw people in. It’s unfortunate, but it’s also true. Because of heteronormative culture.

The big moments between Jikook, like I said, often look like fan service to me. That being said, I’m not saying all of their moments are fan service. It just looks like interactions between them are more likely to be focused on during editing because of the reasons I’ve stated above. It might be something they aren’t aware of because it’s just editing their natural interactions to be the front and center focus of productions, but I think that’s what’s happening. And it kind of makes me feel bad for them because it’s like the company is making a show of their relationship (regardless of what kind it is). Even if they are in a real romantic relationship, I can assure that’s not why they are pushed to the center, and it’s far more likely it’s for marketing purposes. So, yes. I hate it for them, even if they are in a relationship together because it could be the company saying “look at these two. Aren’t they precious?” But it feels more like “Look at these two. Don’t they look like a “real” couple between a boy and a girl because Jungkook is oh so strong and Jimin is oh so dainty?” Even if Big Hit is LGBT friendly, it doens’t mean that they can’t do/say homophobic things (even unintentionally) or that they can’t market BTS for a heteronormative culture, and a culture that fetishizes gay people or uses being gay for entertainment. (Edit: and fantasizing.) I’m not saying it’s right for them to do so, because I don’t agree with it at all. And I’d hope that’s not the reality of it (because I really want for Big Hit to be different), but it seems like it sometimes.

Now before I get into the Vmin part, I’m going to share a disclaimer. Because I hope people don’t come at me after I’ve already admitted that it’s pretty obvious that Jikook are close and love each other. I’ve mentioned a potential romantic relationship between them, so I’m not dismissing them as the “real” couple (and I’m also, ffs, not saying there is a “real” couple between the two). I adore Jikook, and I wouldn’t even be sad if they were ever confirmed. So. Keep that in mind for this next part.

VMIN

I don’t want this to turn into a post of me comparing Jikook and Vmin, and I decided to answer this ask because I was sure that I could answer it with that intention in mind. So let’s see if I can do this right.

When it comes to Vmin, I feel like there are far less moments that can be chalked up to fan service. There are clear moments that are fan service, so I’m not saying Vmin don’t participate in that at all, but it seems like they do less than Jikook. (And I know this is a comparison right here, but I hope it doesn’t get taken the wrong way but) When Jikook does fan service, it’s so seemless and natural. When it comes to Vmin, it’s sometimes a little awkward, and they’re more shy. I don’t know what that means for the two different types of relationships, but I’m not getting into that (because then it becomes comparing the two in a way I don’t want to on this blog).

I think Big Hit chooses Vmin friendship moments to focus on because they know that people love their “platonic soulmate” dynamics. But, when it comes to “shippy” moments, these aren’t pushed forward as much. Because Taehyung isn’t broad and manly like Jungkook, so it probably seems a little too gay. And that’s not okay. It doesn’t sell as well as a couple that can be imagined as heterosexual. (And I also think this is why Jikook is the bigger ship, honestly.)

That’s it, and I know I didn’t address everything in this ask. And I’m sorry for that. But I tried to focus on what (I think) was the main point. And I wanted to make it about something very real rather than about ships.

So while I did, in fact, compare the two, I’m not comparing their “realness” or anything like that. I’m comparing their marketing value because I think that’s what it boils down to when we get to see what we see. And if anyone comes at me for my comparison on a personal shipping level, you will be ignored because that’s not what this is about. And if you can’t get that from what I’ve said thus far, then you aren’t reading my words and heart correctly.

I do want to talk really quickly about them faking it, and I’m going to focus on Vmin for this because it’s a Vmin blog. I don’t think they fake it. Because some moments are so subtle that they’re clearly trying to be hidden, and some are so natural that they clearly weren’t thinking about it too much. That aside, I don’t think they would fake their close bond. When Jimin wrote a song and was told that he would sing it with Taehyung, he didn’t have to make Friends. He could have made the song about anything he wanted, and we would have taken it with just as much enthusiasm. It was his choice to make friends, and I believe he put his heart into that song. Since it was the first song he ever had part in for an album, it’d be pretty disrespectful to claim that he’s just trying to save face or not being honest in it. And I know a song could be chalked up to how well it sells, but I think that’s for the company to worry about, but as an artist myself, I know that your heart and soul goes into anything you create. And I just don’t feel right about blatantly disregarding a personal song, so yes. It’s one of my main arguments why Vmin are obviously, honestly, close and care about each other. And I will stand by that forever.

EDIT: All right. I went through this post and personally cherry picked the things I wanted you guys to focus on when reading instead of you doing it yourself. Because you’re hung up about the fact that I mentioned that Jikook has fan severice moments (even though I said the same thing about Vmin), so you’re clearly cherry picking, not reading the whole damn post, or getting hung about the fan service instead of focusing on my main fucking point. I NEVER said they weren’t close. In fact, I took the TIME to put a DISCLAIMER stating that it’s PRETTY OBVIOUS that they’re close, and that they genuinely like spending time together. I get that I said “Vmin has less fan service moments” or whatever. Let me clarify: What I meant was that it’s the EDITING and the fact that they FOCUS SO HARD on jikook that makes a lot of their moments feel like fan service. There’s no shortage of Jikook moments, and it’s NOT because Jikook are the only ones with moments, it’s because they’re the ones that make the cut most often. And I stated the reasons why I think that is. I literally even explained the thing about the editing and said, “It might be something they aren’t aware of because it’s just editing their natural interactions to be the front and center focus of productions,” but sure. Dismiss whichever statements you want. Because clearly you get to decide what I mean instead of me. Also, “So, yes. I hate it for them, even if they are in a relationship together because it could be the company saying “look at these two. Aren’t they precious?” But it feels more like “Look at these two. Don’t they look like a “real” couple between a boy and a girl”

And, in case it’s not clear from how I talked about their relationship here, I am, in fact, a Jikook shipper, too. I stated at least TWICE in here that I wasn’t trying to dismiss the realness of them. And I talked about how shitty it is for the company to use their relationship (if real) for marketing. And unless they’re ever confirmed, that’s what they’re doing. It’s marketing. Because if the company wanted people to care about their real relationship, they would let them come out. And that is NOT me dismissing the fact that they could be in a real relationship. If you can’t tell from what I’ve just written right here, I’ll clarify by repeating what I’ve already said in the post. Because if the are in a real relationship, I can guarantee you that is not why they get pushed so hard or shown the most. It’s because their masculine/feminine vibes are marketable. There are Jikookers, LIKE ME, who ship them because they like Jikook. But you can’t deny that there are a lot of Jikookers who ship them because they’re a straight girl in love with Jungkook and imagine herself in Jimin’s place because it’s easy to see. If you are one of the real Jikookers that ship them for their actual relationship and would LOVE it if they were ever confirmed, then fine. That’s not about you. But you have to admit that there are a LOT of shippers out there (not just Jikook) that ship them with guys because they don’t want them to end up with another girl that’s not the fan doing the shipping. Yet they still would be upset if they were ever confirmed because then it means they’re actually gay.

I love Jikook, and this post wasn’t intended to dismiss their relationship or bring it down. And I’d say I’m sorry if that’s the impression you got from it, but if you’d actually read and not choose which parts to focus on, you wouldn’t have gotten that impression. I just hate it that you guys got that impression because I do genuinely like Jikook. As much as Vmin, honestly. I was focusing on how the company treats the two ships, but sure. Dismiss every time I’ve drawn the post back to that point.

[gallavictorious]

I really wish people would stop excusing their favorite character's actions with convoluted theories instead of just accepting that their faves aren't perfect. Ian should not be comparing Terry and Frank. Full stop. Especially not to Mickey's face, when Mickey is in the middle of trying to deal with the complicated feelings he has about the father that raped him by proxy and tried to actually murder him. It's ok to say "yeah you're right I don't know what you're going through but I'm here" and not make it into a shitty father competition.

And I really wish people would refrain from making groundless assumptions and recognize that trying to understand a character's motivation for doing something does not equal taking a stance on whether or not the action discussed is morally sound but alas, nonnie, we live in an imperfect world.

For those just turning in, this ask was received in response to my addition to this post.

Now, nonnie, if I understand you correctly, you disapprove of what I wrote because you see it as 1, an attempt to excuse Ian's behavior because 2, he's my favourite character and 3, therefore I can't stand to have him do something wrong. You also think that, no matter his motivations, Ian shouldn't be comparing Frank to Terry. Below, I'll quickly refutate points 2 and 3, as well as detail the difference between explanations and excuses and – hopefully – demonstrate why you can't with any sort of certainty claim that the offending post is an example of the latter. I will not really engage with the question of whether or not Ian was wrong for saying what he did, because (as we shall return to forthwith) that was not the issue originally discussed, it doesn't actually interest me, and as you do not offer any sort of reasoning for your moral judgment there really isn't anything for me to work with there anyway.

Strap in, kids; it's another long one.

Let's start with your claim that Ian is my favourite. I'm not actually going to spell it out there, but instead direct you to paragraphs 3-7 of this post. A little lazy, perhaps, but I'm sure you can appreciate why I have limited time to point out the same basic flaws twice in a fairly short period of time. (Should I pin a pic of me holding up a little sign reading ”Actually, Mickey is my favourite, even though I love Ian too” to the top of my blog? Would that be helpful?)

Moving on to point 3, I do agree with the general notion that it's fine to accept that the characters we love (no matter who that character is) are flawed and make mistakes! If you had taken the time to familiarize yourself with my thoughts on Ian and Mickey – or if you had, you know, just asked – instead of jumping to completely unsubstantiated conclusions based on a single post, you might even have realized that them being fucked up and making fucked up choices from time to time is one of the things I find most compelling about them. They are messy and complicated and human, and I love that. I neither think nor want either of them to perfect, because perfection is unrealistic is static is boring.

With that out of the way, let's get to excuses versus explanations. If one confuses the two, any attempt to discuss or explain a persons behavior will be construed as an attempt to excuse it, but to understand something and to condone it are actually two different things.

For instance, I can explain and understand why Mickey acted the way he did in 3x09, but still think kicking Ian in the face was wrong. I can explain and understand why Ian called Mickey a coward and a pussy in 4x11 but still think he was wrong for doing so. Do you see? Understanding – or trying to understand – why someone did something is not the same as saying that what they did was okay. Understanding the reasons for someone's actions might lessen the severity of our condemnation (for instance, stealing is generally considered wrong, but most of use would agree that stealing bread to feed your kid is less wrong than stealing bread because you're too stingy to pay for it) or might remove condemnation entirely (hitting someone because you are angry with them is wrong, hitting someone as part of consensual BDSM sex is fine), but understanding an action does not automatically lead to declaring said action morally correct. In short, ”why did X do Y” and ”was X right or wrong do to Y” are two different questions, and the fact that our answer to the second question often is at least partly dependent on our understanding of the first does not change that.

So explanations and excuses are not the same. And yet, sometimes the reasons for doing something (or failing to do something) are offered up as an excuse; as a reason why someone should not be held responsible for their actions, or why they were correct in performing/not performing them in the first place. That neatly leads us to the question of whether or not that's what's actually happening in the post you took exception to. And the answer to that is... you can't know. What boys-night and I discuss in the post is what Ian is actually doing (is he trying to compare trauma och convince Mickey he had it worse) and why he is doing it; that is, we are trying to understand and explain his behavior. Neither of us make any sort of statement on whether or not he was right or wrong for saying or doing what he did: that's just not the topic of conversation. Now, maybe I do think his motivations means that he's morally justified in what he said; maybe I don't. My point is that you can't know that just from what you've read in the post. You might draw some tentative conclusions, and they may be correct, but you don't know, and the reasonable and responsible way to go from there is to seek clarification by asking (polite) questions, not aggressively throwing around accusations about others grasping for straws in a despertae attempt to exonerate their favorites from wrongdoing.

(And just to remind you, even if I were making excuses for Ian, it wouldn't be because he's my favourite or becuase I can't bear to have him do wrong.)

You are perfectly free to disagree with any of the points made in the post, by the way, but you need to recognize that what we're disagreeing on then is motivation, not morality.

And, oh, of course it would have been okay to say "yeah you're right I don't know what you're going through but I'm here", but that's not what Ian did. Now, if you are happy to go ”ah, Ian fucked up, he's not perfect” and move on, that's fine. You do you, nonnie, and if analysis and discussion of character motivations isn't your jam then it isn't and I'm sure no one is going to force you to engage in it. (And if they try to, you can simply say ”I don't care” and walk away.) However, to be perfectly honest I am a bit perplexed that you should be so indignant over other fans trying to make sense of his actions. Do you still feel that way now that you – hopefully – understand that trying to explain a characters' behavior doesn't necessarily mean trying to excuse it? I mean, surely you are aware of the fact that people usually have reasons for acting the way they do, even if the way they act is shitty or misguided? (Note that I'm not saying that Ian's actions were shitty and misguided. That is not the discussion we're having.) I am rather curious, actually, as to what you think Ian's motivations were? Do you imagine he was deliberatedly diminishing Mickey's trauma? Why, if so? Do you perhaps think that he is obsessed with being The Most Victim and thus takes every opportunity to list all the ways Frank sucked? Or maybe that his mouth just moves without any thought or reason and the words just randomly happened?

To be fair, it seems that Ian's motivations is not something you consider relevant: you write that ”Ian should not be comparing Terry and Frank. Full stop.” And that's absolutely a moral stance you can take, albeit certainly not the only one. Maybe Ian shouldn't have said what he said Had you given any reasons for this verdict, I might even have agreed with you because I can think of several reasons why it might be better if Ian refrained from comparing Terry and Frank, no matter his motivations. (And I might not, because I can also think of several reasons why such a comparision might be justified, even though Terry is clearly the more evil of the two.) However, we shall never know, because you fail to back up your claim. I guess that's because you deem it self-evident? It is not, and until you provide any sort of reasoning for your grand proclamation, I won't engage with the question. Not going to shadow-box with you, nonnie, or do your work for you; if you want a discussion, make your case properly. Though maybe make it elsewhere – as previously noted, passing judgement on the characters is not my primary interest when discussing them. I am much more intrigued by trying to understand why characters do and say what they do and say.

Phew. Okay, that's me done, I think. I realize that you might not be very impressed with this answer, nonnie, but I hope it may to some degree reassure you that no sneaky attempt to excuse my favourite character's actions with convoluted theories was made by this humble blogger. Not this time, at least.

[nightswithkookmin]

WHAT WILL JIMIN POST ON JK'S BIRTHDAY 2020?

Interesting question. I get why my Askbox is flooded with it. May thirteen was a disappointment. Most Jikookers were looking forward to a reinforcement of a long established Jikook tradition- well everyone except me and a couple others I think. Y'all don't be paying attention. Lol

Jikook are complex beings and like any complex organism they learn to adapt to situations and surroundings. They are predictable in that way but also they are not. It's paradoxical, I know.

If you paid any attention to what was going on from late March through to June you'd have known there was little to no likelihood May 13 was gonna happen.

And if it had happened, it would have taken on a whole new meaning at least to some of us. But hey, 5/8 right? Sure. Jimin smart. We stan a Bigbrain.

Anywho, tomorrow is not about Jimin or Jikook or any ship. It's about JK. It's about celebrating the gift of life that he is. For all the times he's been hated on, this is the only day out of 365 days that we as a fandom get to put our differences aside and come together to show our love and appreciation for him- I hope.

I don't see why Jimin wouldn't do the same for him. Especially since it's been a long established tradition not just for Jikook but for all the members.

They all celebrate eachother's birthday to varying degrees but at the bare minimum they wish each other a happy birthday. That's the norm.

All the other members will wish JK a happy birthday and that includes Jimim. If you understand why people celebrate others birthday you'll understand this is not complicated at all. So it's not a question of will Jimin post tomorrow.

Jimin is a very kind, thoughtful and a loving person. It would be weird of him not to wish his fellow bandmate a happy birthday on his birthday. He would. He should. Rest assured.

But I understand that what y'all are asking me as far as Jikook is concerned and shipping goes is whether Jimin would do something extraordinary for JK this year like he did last year, what he would do and whether he would post about it.

Even though I am certain he will post, I can't tell you what that post is going to be, I'm an alien not Jesus you know?

What I can speculate on is whether or not Jimin would make another grand gesture like that of last year. Which is what this post is going to be about.

The answer to that question is not as simple as yes he would or no he wouldn't. Personally, I expect him to do something a little bit out of the ordinary or coded this year. I'll explain in a bit.

To be clear, I don't expect a repeat of last year or anything of the magnitude of last year at all as much as that would make me uWu so hard. Although... what if he pulls a 360 on us and propose to Jk on his birthday?what? I'm speaking it into existence!

What Jimin did last year was an exception not the norm. You don't fly half way across the world just because. To me that was a grand grand gesture in the history of JK's birthdays and I don't expect a repeat of it unless the circumstances that lead to that moment repeats its self.

The circumstances being that they were broke up and he was trying to fix things. Cough, cough.

JK's birthday last year was an Echo of Manila. A general consensus among Jikookers, is that JK had been mad because Jimin was choosing to spend time with Taemin on the eve of his birthday hence why he had had posted that song knowing full well Jimin would see it as a way to guilt trip Jimin.

If that is right, then Jimin flying over to be with Jk would be a huge statement.

2015 and 2019 are the years that have stood out to me most, birthday wise: Jimin saying he wanted to give JK a kiss on his 18th birthday and him flying from Paris to South K to be with JK on his birthday.

If you've ever heard Jimin talk about money, he is prudent and wise about money. I mean rather than spend millions on a luxury apartment he chose to buy an investment property instead. He is a Libra, I wouldn't expect anything less.

On his vacation trips, he's known to share cost of expenses with the friends he travels with if he's traveling with them. I won't call him frugal though, thoughtful and selective is more like it.

So when he does something of this nature, it's not nothing. He was making a statement period. He was proving something to someone- if you say Army I'll smack the back of your head. Lol

JK. He was proving something to JK. It's always been JK- so help me lord if you say it's Fanservice! It is not. It wasn't for Fanservice.

I've seen people around corners of the internet saying he didn't have to post his Paris video if he was going to go see JK anyway to celebrate with him. That the whole video message thing on Twitter seemed very much private.

I agree with the part about the video seeming private. It seemed personal to me. But it also seemed like the point of that video was to let JK know his location at the time to perhaps throw him off the surprise he had planned for later.

People have argued JM was just pulling a 'prank' on JK with that whole Paris trip to begin with. They were on a hiatus, they had been together prior to JM leaving for France a few days to JK's birthday so it doesn't make sense that they would be broken up at that time period and it doesn't make sense that Jimin will leave for Paris and fly back home only to leave again so it must be a prank.

... Sure. Valid point. However, I don't see Jimin being reckless with money or honestly that shallow. If that was a prank that was an expensive one.

And yes, Jimin didn't have to go on the trip. It wasn't business. It was leisure. I can see how that would be confusing to JK especially when it seemed JM was choosing to spend time with someone, be somewhere else rather than with him on his birthday- yet again. Coughing in Manila.

But sure, I can see how that would be the best 'prank' surprise for JK. Shaking my head. I don't think that was all that was happening with Jikook around that time as I have hinted at several times across my blog posts.

Jikook were broke up around that time, that trip was a grand gesture, Jimin's way to make up with Jk let him know he's learned his lessons. His friends are important but JK comes first. The lightning struck twice for JM and he got a second chance to redeem himself- the definition of GRAND gesture.

If you are a Kpop enthusiast you would also know about the political climate in S.K around that time frame and how it was impacting the Kpop world in general. Certain Boy Bands were under investigation for certain 'offences' I don't want to get into.

On August 11th, one member of such said boy band was arrested- allegedly. I don't know what it had to do with BTS or whether it had anything to do with them at all and I'm not insinuating anything but I just found that impromptu hiatus in August a bit suspicious giving everything else that was going on in S.K.

If 'people' were looking into Kpop boybands then I am certain BTS was on top of that list just because they are the biggest boyband and have been a target of haters for years.

Needless to say, I do not think they were gonna find anything at all on the boys if in deed they had looked but if the boys had a secret- like say two of their members being in the LGBTQ plus community then I assume that secret was bound to be found out?

It is why I believe the boys were asked to lay low in August and that Jikook specifically had been asked by BigHit to tone things down while they navigated the muddy mess of public scrutiny- in my opinion.

I also find it a bit interesting that both of Jikook later that same month and period would be involved in a scandal involving women- But feel free to draw your own conclusions on that however you please. This is just mine: I think that move was straight out of the PR books. Classic Olivia Pope-esque move. Lol

I know some people think it is in the best interest of Jikook to hide their relationship if they are real and that Jikook want to hide their relationship: I disagree.

Just based on my own observation, I don't think they enjoy hiding at all. Especially JK. Well, he did say he didn't want to hide anymore in GCF Saipan didn't he? Can't argue with that.

But also, out of the two, JK is the one who seems the most grounded and sure about their relationship. This is seen best in moments where they've almost been caught. JK's been the least bothered or throw off. Almost as if he doesn't mind if people find out about them.

For instance, when BTS exposed JK for sneaking into Jimin's bed Jimin looked terrified as fuck. He pointed to JK, almost throwing him under the bus but for someone behind the camera asking him to chill, Jimin would have freaked out of his mind.

Then we have that infamous moment when Jimin and JK walked into JK's room and spotted the camera. The look on JM's face said it all. But JK seemed pretty chill about it to me.

Now these moments are relevant because JM was caught unaware. They were both caught off guard and so their reactions were instinctive. By instinct Jimin freaked out which says to me he is afraid to be exposed or outed perhaps because he isn't ready to come out- yet. While JK's reaction on the other says to me he doesn't mind at all if people found out about them which could be because he is ready to come out.

I know what you are thinking and no. That time in the track when they were caught taking photos- JK looked more like he didn't appreciate the invasion of his privacy rather then terrified he was caught. They were on set and so they knew there were cameras roaming around and anyone could stumble on them. They were both consciously self aware of their environment which is why JM was able to make a quick comeback.

I can go on and on about this about this topic but the post is already getting too long.

My point is, Jikook don't like to hide. When you are in love you want the whole world to know. And so often, they fluctuate between wanting to keep their relationship a secret for the sake of their careers and wanting to declare and openly claim eachother.

Keeping their relationship a secret is bound to be stressful on them physically and emotionally. Just because they don't like to be outed don't mean they enjoy hiding.

Their secret is not theirs alone to tell. They have people whose careers depend on them. Their secret is inextricably linked with five other people. People whose careers could end instantly if their secret so much as came out accidentally or even by design.

I don't think either of them is selfish enough to risk that. Not even in the name of love. And this is especially true for Jimin the way I see it. As for JK..... I don't think he gives a shit. Bless him.

This doesn't mean, however, that they don't enjoy teetering the line. It's part of the thrill that fuels their passions- when they get to play at being caught and exposed or just the mere thought they are out smarting the public- fucking exhibitionist!

Jokes aside, I believe there is a sense of comfort and security they get from knowing there are thousands of people out there who enjoy and celebrate their love as openly as they would want to and they live openly vicariously through us.

Our support and acceptance means so much to them. Which is why often you find them reaching out to us.

Being told to lay low even if it's for their own interests would get on their nerves especially for a rebel like JK and Jimin knew this hence why that public display of his affection for Jk on Twitter.

Thus, I do I think JM would make another gesture similar to what he did last year but whatever gesture of he does make one would be unique in it's own way from last year's and would be more of an assurance of his love for JK and a prove to Army that they are fine just because i think they have both been through a lot this year just as he said in the dynamite MV reaction VLive which was rudely sabotaged by Tae.

Jimin seemed like he wanted to have a 'public' moment with JK as explained in my previous post on the Dynamite Reaction Vlive. And given as that moment was interrupted, I expect him to try that again. Whatever message he wanted to deliver it seemed more intended for JK as much as us their supporters.

He has been pretty active on social media lately in the days leading up to JK's birthday. He seems to be gearing up for something. He ain't slick.

So yea, part of me hopes and expect him to do something nice, to make a statement similar to last year's but I cannot ignore also that there's been a lot of eyes and attention on Jikook a lot lately. More so than usual.

Posting something of that nature would single them out and only escalate the situation especially if it is something that makes them both stand out from the others.

For context, I am talking about the heat they recieved as a result of the Dynamite MV. That heat is drenched in homophobia and they and BigHit could care shit about that as I explained in my previous post but you have to understand it can have a negative impact on their mental health.

I mean, NamJoon is constantly being paired with JK a lot lately. It's almost as if he is keeping an eye on Him constantly if you know what I mean. Tae has also been keeping an eye on Jikook, outing Jikook's schemes and shenanigans before they happen like in that Dynamite MV Reaction VLive where he asked JK not to look into the camera during Jimin's solo commentary.

It's understandable. Their interest is as stake too. If Jikook go down, they are going down too. It's daisy.

What I'm saying is, Jikook is being monitored and it would be daring of Jimin to do something as grand for JK openly like that.

But who knows. If it's gonna make JK happy because they've both been through a lot this half of the year then JM would definitely definitely do it. He is defiant like that and he can be a bit of a dare devil when it comes to proving his stance to Jk. He wouldn't hesitate for a second. I love that about him.

Mad respect for him if he does. Mad mad respect for him if he does. But if he doesn't you'd all know why.

In conclusion, I'm saying I'm expecting something more than a happy birthday text from Jimin this year. I'm expecting something more meaningful, deep, coded and uniquely Jikook.

If it happens to be a proposal Ayla you can have all my shmoney! Lol

Signed,

GOLDY

[randomslasher]

I know you’re probably sick of people talking about that past post about Deceit and you dont even have to answer but I wanted tell you that I think you reacted the best way you could have in that situation back then. And this comes from someone who was hit pretty hard by it, and the situation around it. Seeing that post, it made every post and comment of you I saw in the past really hypocritical for me. I was pretty shocked. But your following posts and reactions felt very genuine. 1/3

You explained why you did it (without fishing for sympathy points), you acknowledged the consequences (without blaming the ones bearing them) and you apologized (not because people pressured you but because you recognized the impact of your post). It was also a lesson to me that it’s very easy to fall into this kind of thoughts when personal experiences and emotions are involved. Knee jerk reactions hit hard. 2/3

We can’t control them 100%, but we can control how we react after the emotional high flattens out and how we deal with the consequences. And how you dealt with it, has earned you my deepest respect. 3/3

--

I think you hit the nail on the head there: there’s a real fallacy in assuming we’re always in complete control over 1) our responses to things, 2) our rational thought process, and 3) the consequences of what we say and do. Looking back from here, it’s literally difficult to believe I ever came to the conclusion I did, as it does stand contrary to the “ship and let ship” philosophy I’ve always lived by. I’ve been so baffled by it since it all came up again that I’ve been trying to figure it out. I think I could probably point to factors that led me to panic, but they’re irrelevant at this point. It happened and I can’t change that, other than to shrug and go “Yeesh...mistakes, am I right?” and to apologize. 

But it’s true that no matter how old you get, no matter how much you may feel you know better, no matter how solid you may feel about your opinions on things, that it can be really easy to let things get twisted around in your own brain so you draw perfectly reasonable sounding conclusions that stand utterly contrary to your own beliefs. External influences, internal ones, past traumas, media--they all play a real role in how we think and it’s important to stay aware of them and recognize when you’ve come to a conclusion that doesn’t really reflect your own manner of thinking but something you’ve been conditioned to think. 

Basically that whole thing where your brain does a thing and you just sorta rationalize the thing as perfectly logical and only later do you realize “wtf brain?” 

It was also a point in the fandom where I was starting to gain some popularity, and I don’t think at that point i’d quite realized what it meant--that people listened to what you said, took what you said and ran in more extreme directions with it (which did happen; my point was NEVER to bother actual shippers, only to warn people of potential real-life abusers who behaved in certain ways, but again FICTION IS NOT REALITY LJ, YOU’VE ALWAYS KNOWN THIS WTF), that people could launch literal crusades in your name when you had zero intention for that to happen. I’ve learned since then to be a LOT more cautious about how I approach things, both in fandom and without; for all the rambling posts you do see me make, there are at least 10-15 that never leave the drafts because I realize they’ll either 1) never get taken in good faith, 2) don’t really add anything relevant to the conversation, or 3) are about a topic it’s not my place to speak about anyway. 

But that level of self-awareness as someone with influence over a fandom doesn’t come overnight, it comes with mistakes. Bad ones, sometimes, but all we can do with bad mistakes is learn from them, right? 

Okay, I think I’m done rambling. Anyway, I appreciate this ask, anon, and thanks for forgiving me my misstep. 

(and to anyone reading this wondering wtf is going on, it’s in reference to something that happened 2 years ago, so nothing recent, and there is a series of asks about it from a few days ago in my blog if you’re that curious, but I think I’m about done answering questions about it. I’d like to go ahead and move forward and enjoy our new content together.) 

[raidahblossom]

Virgil Leaving the Others™ Theory (Long theory)

Okay so, as of the recent video, I’ve gained more evidence to a theory I’ve had for a while now, but it comes with that of the thumbnail:

Now let’s do a quick zoom, shall we?

Now I’m sure everyone’s noticed that Virgil has been categorised with the quote on quote “Dark Sides” for the Select a Side menu, and this is what pushed me to actually write up this theory! (As well as @arya-skywalker​ who actually gave me the motivation-)

You may be confused as to why I said ‘quote on quote “Dark Sides”’. Well it has to do with this post by @dragonsaphirareads​ explaining that term Dark Sides itself has only been genuinely coined by Roman and Character! Thomas (however on the instance of Character! Thomas, Virgil corrected him by saying ‘the Others’). It’s basically saying that the phrases ‘Light’ and ‘Dark Side’ were either a term only used by Roman/Thomas (in the case of the latter) or something that the fandom have just coined (in the case of the former). I suggest you read it, it’s explained a lot better by them. 😅

Now to my theory: This was sparked in my mind when I thought about the fact that, when Virgil was first introduced, Character! Thomas didn’t need to be introduced to him- instead C! Thomas introduced him to us. This would mean that Character! Thomas already knew about him before we met him as an audience, so I would assume he’s been around for a bit of time.

We later get confirmation for this when Roman says:

“Whoa, that’s about the time that you (Virgil) upgraded from small nuisance to giant thorn in our side”

Meaning he was always there, but he became more apparent/relevant around the same time that Thomas was probably entering adolescence. This would’ve been the time that Thomas would have probably met him as well, considering he didn’t need to be introduced to Virgil when we met him.

Let’s pay attention to the wording of this: “upgraded from small nuisance to giant thorn in our side”. This is alludes to the fact that, as he grew up, Thomas’s anxiety heightened- starting at the same time Roman started helping to build new worlds and stories, as that was Thomas’s way of coping.

I’m gonna throw in another factor of note- the Core Four consist of mainly characters we deem to be ‘Light Sides’, with Virgil added on. However, new players in the game that don’t input much or come into every discussion (such as Janus and Remus, though Janus does eventually get a seat at the table- I’ll come to that later) are considered to be ‘Dark Sides’. The characters that come into most discussions are usually the ones that Character! Thomas have accepted or considered a part of himself.

Now, if we pay attention to the fact that Virgil got an acceptance arc, it wasn’t to give him a seat at the table- he already had one as he often came into most discussions- it was to accept that Virgil is okay and that he isn’t entirely bad for Thomas. He went from having an albeit reluctant seat at the table, to having a comfortable seat.

So let’s draw these two things together, the ‘Minor’ Sides (that’s what I’m calling them anyways) get accepted by getting to be part of main discussions as well as acknowledging they can be beneficial for Thomas. These consist of Janus, Remus and Orange. But Virgil was accepted by only acknowledging he wasn’t entirely awful, despite having been ‘one of them’ (the Others). So why is Virgil’s acceptance arc different to the others? Because he was already a Major Side, that’s why.

But, if Virgil was one of the Others at one point in time, surely he would’ve had to be given a role of Major Side instead of just having that role.

So when could this have happened? I don’t know maybe... when he upgraded from a small nuisance to a giant thorn in their side? (Back on topic baby!) 

What I think, is that as Thomas’s Anxiety grew more apparent, Virgil had to come into discussions more often. As a result, Thomas reached the point where Virgil had become a part of him- but he didn’t like that Virgil was a part of him. Virgil would’ve had to become more involved with the Major Sides, and this would worry the Minor Sides, as the Major Sides are mainly consistent of ‘Light Sides’ whilst the Minor Sides are mainly consistent of ‘Dark Sides’ and they would be worried that Virgil would leave them to become a ‘Light Side’ 

This however, apparently never happened as Virgil is still considered to be one of the Dark Bois squad. But if Virgil doesn’t associate with them anymore or talk to them as often (”It was just like old times!”), surely he’s left them in some form or other? And then there’s his hatred of Janus (sorry anxceit shippers)- where did it come from? 

According to Janus’ Playlist, some songs indicate that he misses Virgil and blames himself for what happened- so what did happen?

Well, I think what happened was this: Virgil went to tell Janus that Thomas has made him a Major Side and that he accepts him as part of the group. Janus gets worried about this and they argue for a while over this topic, both becoming increasingly frustrated. Virgil lashes out and says something along the lines of “At least he’ll LISTEN to me, and I doubt that you’ll ever be listened to, he hates being selfish!” and Janus responds saying something like “Well he’s accepted something that’s bound to hurt him and won’t help him at all!”

Virgil gets mad and yells “FINE! Then I’m going somewhere where I’ll actually be APPRECIATED”

“Then GO. Don’t come running back to us when they abandon you!”

Virgil leaves and then he never does come back. But he never expressly left to become a ‘Light Side’. He only left to join the people who he wanted to talk and contribute with. 

This would also explain why Janus has been trying to get Thomas to listen to him more- either to prove a point or because he does want to be listened to, and why he dislikes Virgil- they both insulted each other and never got a chance to make up.

So yeah, that got angsty real quick and was horribly explained but eh, what am I gonna do? Have y’all got any opinions on this? I’d like to hear it! 

[toast-the-unknowing]

any tips for writing dialogue? i struggle so bad to make it sound authentic and as a result always turn to descriptive imagery instead. (which is fine if im writing something angsty, but not cute and fluffy ya feel?) any tips would be greatly appreciated! ty

The other day in my D&D party, our hedgewitch (who learns his magic through intense study of books and nature) asked our sorcerer (who has innate magic powers and also sometimes just blows shit up on accident) if she could teach him how she cast fireball. Our sorcerer said "you, uh, you know -- " and she waved her hands around " -- you do. The spell."

I am kind of feeling like our sorcerer right now, because dialogue more than anything else about writing is the part that just sorta happens for me, and when I try to articulate how I do it, it is hard to say anything other than "the voices say stuff and I write it down real fast before I can forget."

I will say, because dialogue is often the first thing I am writing in a new scene or a new story, it gets written out in long chunks with very few other words popping up. I might note the emotions a character is having or the way a piece of dialogue is delivered, or jot down what the character is thinking that isn't getting said so I have it for frame of reference later, and I will write down an action that's essential to my understanding of what is happening in the scene, but it's really mostly just the dialogue. I'm not even doing tags or punctuation at this point. Without knowing your process, writing dialogue JUST as dialogue may help you find a flow, which generally results in more natural sounding lines. It's a theory I have, anyway.

The absolute hardest bits of dialogue for me are when I have a chunk of dialogue from the beginning of a scene, and a chunk of dialogue from later in that scene, and I have to connect them, because oh man it's so hard to force dialogue down a specific pathway. The dialogue wants to run rampant! It wants to be free! It doesn't WANT to go over there where the plot needs it to! Generally there's a way that I could stitch up the hole in these scenes in two lines that would take us LOGICALLY from point a to point b, but that just...doesn't sound good, and doesn't feel natural.

Sometimes I just literally can't get there from here, and either the earlier dialogue or the later dialogue needs to go, but usually what works is to just follow the last line I have with, "okay what's something that the character might say in response to that. What's something the other character might say in response to that. Is that line something that would evoke an emotional reaction from this character? Is it something that would make them think of another topic of conversation?" And just keep writing and seeing where the conversation goes until I find a more natural bridge to the later dialogue.

This may be helpful even if you aren't looking for a connection per se, but are just trying to make dialogue happen, or if you know the general beats your scene needs to be hitting but don't have anything laid out. We often know what we want a scene to ACCOMPLISH, in terms of the plot or the character arc or the relationship, and that can sometimes put pressure on the dialogue to address that. Asking yourself when you get stuck "how would he feel about that" or "what would she have to say about that" or "what mood or agenda or thought process is this person having that their conversation partner doesn't know about" can get you unstuck and ground the dialogue in what's natural for your characters.

Maybe the way the conversation goes when you do that is not where you thought it would or where you need it to. That's awesome! I love letting a conversation wander and just see where it goes. I used to watch one of those shows with a giant ensemble and a dozen story lines every week, and I noticed after a while that there would be scenes where a character would walk into a room, say all of the things that were important to the plot, and then leave, without anyone reacting. Obviously that's a pacing problem, they just had too much story to tell and not enough time, but it was SO WEIRD. And it was boring. The little moments in a conversation where the characters are talking about something "unimportant" are the best moments, I love those! So if you're worried your dialogue is getting off point, maybe follow it, it might lead you to a really authentic moment.

Obviously, don't just have your characters talk for five minutes about, like, the latest Marvel movie, just for the sake of saying something off topic. But this is a really good way of incorporating other elements from your story. Is there something that's thematically relevant to the story even if it doesn't have anything to do with the plot? Is there a side character who's not in this scene that your characters might be worried about, or annoyed with, or making fun of? Is there something that exists in the space because you created it with your descriptive imagery, and now that it exists the characters might comment on it or be affected by it? Is there something that happened earlier in the story that has been dealt with on a plot level but that your characters might still be having some residual emotions about?

I do realize that this tip for writing dialogue basically turned into "write more dialogue," but maybe in and of itself that would help! Practice makes perfect?

I will say, keep each character’s turn with the talking stick SHORT. Speeches rarely sound authentic. You want back and forth. Short lines are good. Short sentences within lines are good, too, although I fully admit to having a weakness for stupidly long sentences. But dialogue lets you bend the rules, go ahead and break out the sentence fragments.

Dialogue also sounds better if it has a chance to breathe; this is something I do actively work at, because it's the part of dialogue that isn't dialogue. If one character says something kind of heavy, or something unexpected, or something that puts a pin on the current topic of conversation, there's probably going to be a beat before anyone else says anything. Sometimes the character needs to take a beat FOR THEMSELVES before they continue with the thing they were saying! Screenwriters have it so fucking easy here, man, because they just get to write (beat) and then the directors get some close ups of actors' faces and the editor cuts that moment to breathe in for them. Prose writers gotta do it for themselves.

For a little beat, sometimes just placing your dialogue tag where you need it to be -- e.g. "he says" before the dialogue instead of after -- can do it. Sometimes you gotta get creative. This is where you can get cliched things like characters constantly raising their eyebrows or shrugging or smirking, which, cliches become cliches for a reason, they work, but you don't want to overdo it. Sometimes it helps to draw on the surroundings and the set up. Put your characters in a setting where things are happening around them, then you can take a beat while you describe one of those things that’s happening. Give the characters an activity to do, and intersperse that action through the dialogue. For the "this is a place that hurts" conversation in it all will fall, fall right into place, I knew I was going to want to have LOTS of beats in that conversation, so I made them go get lunch, and every time Adam wasn't able to say something one of them would eat some pizza or pick up a napkin. I am not a very visual thinker and I write all my dialogue first, so I have to find ways to fill these beats after the fact, and sometimes I struggle with it. This might be something that you can do a great job with, if descriptions and imagery are happening in your head anyway! Put them to work!

The flip side of "keep it short" and "let the dialogue breathe" is don't write superfluous lines. Look for places that you can condense. If you have a conversation where one character isn't really saying anything of substance, but is just kind of interjecting questions like a sidekick asking the late night host "no, I don't know, who was it?" that's probably a place you can crunch your back-and-forth down into one (not too long) line delivery.

Also, seriously, if descriptive imagery is what's easy for you, lean into it! You can totally write fluff that is more narration-heavy than dialogue-heavy, for one thing. But beyond that, is there a reason that descriptions are easier for you to write? Are there tools you use in that writing that you can apply to dialogue? If you're a visual thinker, can you use that to visualize where the characters are to help get in their heads? If you like finding fun little turns of phrase for your description, oh man, puts some fun turns of phrase in that dialogue. I think dialogue can seem like a completely different thing from narration, but at the end of the day, they're both writing. If you can do the one I absolutely have faith you can find a way to do the other. Good luck!

[fatebreaking-a]

Tagged by : I am a thief. ( Stolen from @starthieve​ ) Tagging : steal it from me.

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

fill out & repost ♥ This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm.

( I will not, I will pick all my muses, how dare- I’ll leave everything except this blog + my other Sona blog out, for length’s sake.) long post, so it’s under the cut.

My muse is:   canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless /

Is your character popular in the fandom?  YES-ish / NO. ( people who like her like her, and people who don’t... really don’t. )

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK.

Is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK.

Are they underrated?  YES / NO.

Were they relevant for the main story?  YES / NO / MAYBE ?

Were they relevant for the main character?  YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG.

Are they widely known in their world?  YES / NO / MAYBE ?

How’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL.

How strictly do you follow canon?  — lol. I take inspiration from canon, let’s put it that way.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals.  —  Your local patron saint of lost causes, a heroic entity who has overcome betrayal and judgement to become an existence that can save the world. Also she’s tall and strong and hot and nice, what more could you want? Huh? You want more than being hugged by a 6′4″ lady??? Sona can also be in various countries, and can participate very easily in fluff, angst, and all sorts of other types of threads.

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?).  —  Lots of angst and drama, a bit of a loner with a distant vibe. Having no etwahl and not playing music kills the interest and ‘usual interactions’ for a lot of people, and being mute & not jumping to telepathy can make threads dry and slow. Being a ‘sexy boob lady’ ( u g h ) also has painted her in a certain light - I’ll never forget that someone said that ‘ofc everyone ships with Sona, she’s the village bicycle.’ I’ve made her exceptionally strong ( almost overpowered ), and that doesn’t jive with people sometimes - shoving in all these themes that I personally like and crafting an interesting story of a divine / demonic seer witch who doesn’t know what to do with herself, is finally ‘too strong’, and finds power distasteful... The themes can be a little depressing and cold, even when she acts nice. And seeing “Even though she feels nothing, she still acts nice” in character can feel... tiring. A mute is not an easy person to write with, and I don’t shy away from trying to give the impression that ‘waiting for Sona to communicate can be tiring’ - because I want my readers and mutuals to feel the kinds of things she goes through everyday. While I try to make the blog accessible, Sona has a speech disability, and that can be tiring.

Also that she doesn’t act like a fancy noble... I don’t know. I feel like the way that I write her is very, very different to the fandom’s impression of her, and that leaves people disillusioned. “This isn’t what I expected or signed up for.” She’s just not that person... And because she doesn’t speak, a lot of prompts are off limits. I’ve also recently reset because I wanted to emphasize that she is patient, grim, and secretive while still being kind. I’ve toned down her tendency for mischief a lot, she used to be an absolute gremlin.

A lot of these things also apply to my other Sona blog ( @virtuous-dignity​ ), where she is extremely structured and self-confident and a bit of a recluse, so while she’s much much nicer, she’s also a complete hardass. It’s rough stuff, especially since I make sure to point out, “hey this Sona practices music over 8 hours every day.” “Hey this Sona finds it morally wrong to play music for small audiences.” There are certain traits that just cut ideas in the bud.

What inspired you to rp your muse?  —  I played Sona a lot in bot lane. Multiple years of sexist remarks, shitty writing, and bad characterization made me frustrated. A lot of things were left unexplained and the etwahl felt like too much of a focus that I could not answer, “who is Sona besides a musician with a fancy instrument”. She has to be someone, right? But we never get to that in the story ( nor in the apparent upcoming lore rework either... ). She has to be someone, her being a famous musician is not everything. So I forcibly tossed aside the music part, especially to also prevent accidentally being pulled into ‘your music is so pretty’ plots. Plus: I wanted to write a character with an internal conflict who was going through some things but wanted to be nice anyway - I believe in that idea a lot. And I wanted to write a character that, tbh, could ship and flirt and just... be flirty and easy going more ( hah! didn’t work out so great now! ). My first canon characters were a ‘left by the void Malz’ dealing with his sins and Ori, who I talk about below, and neither were really great for getting that flirty vibe out. I also really wanted to emphasize that... Well, to be blunt, that if I wrote Sona as sexually promiscuous, that wasn’t a bad thing. That ‘being sexy’ and ‘sex positive’ did not equal ‘objectified tiddy witch’ and ‘perfect candidate for oppai mouse pad’ and other things I’ve heard directed at me in my league experience. Many, many things. Ugh. It kind of did end up turning into a thing where Sona herself draws an interesting line between ‘haha I can tell everyone’s looking at me with those eyes and it’s the fucking worst’ and ‘ok but I trust you and am in bed with you, so I want you to grab me’ - but that’s getting more into ns/fw topics so I’ll leave it there. 

What keeps your inspiration going?  —  All my characters tend to be expressions of myself, as well as answering important thematic questions, like “What does it mean to be rejected by your home and no longer have a place”, and some other stuff. I usually go back to that. Plus, exploring concepts around abandonment and loneliness is something I do a lot with her - feelings of neglect and disillusionment, and ideas surrounding “do I need to like someone or be liked by someone to treat them with dignity”. ( virtuous-dignity, on the other hand, was created because I wanted to write something as soft and uwu as possible, and then it turned into something about ‘balancing dignity for oneself with duty to others’ and handling those kinds of conflicts. )

I also really do enjoy, on some level, turning people around on these characters. “You made me care about character x” is such high praise.

My muse is:   canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless /

Is your character popular in the fandom?  YES / NO.

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK. ( idk, how many of you think robots are hot- )

Is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK. ( I think people downplay Ori’s intelligence a lot, but Riot also casually implied she did open heart surgery on herself so??? )

Are they underrated?  YES / NO.

Were they relevant for the main story?  YES / NO / MAYBE ?

Were they relevant for the main character?  YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG.

Are they widely known in their world?  YES / NO / MAYBE ?

How’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL.

How strictly do you follow canon?  — hahahahahahaha. hah. hah. Sorry. Everything I write is divergent by default.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals.  —  A genius inventor and cute spherical robot duo who speak to other robots and shoot lightning, run around acting cute, and try to save their city one step at a time - all while dealing with deep existential dread and fighting off a fate that decrees Ori’s death. Between ‘pancake bot’ and Ori being an accidental flirt, there’s plenty of variety and development here as my oldest canon muse. Not to mention that the blog ‘grows’ and ‘changes’, and in the last year, Ori has taken to dying her hair pink ( because Vi is cool is why, just don’t let her near a rifle or she’ll try to imitate Cait ). I also regularly think about / draw different hairstyles and clothing styles. Ori is very much ‘alive’, the most so out of the three muses on this blog. A human that has the memories of being a robot, trying to live on and live a good life. Also, there are bird, angel, and time themes. So many clocks. Mega clocks!

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?).  —  Deep angst and existential dread, because she knows her fate is to die and she’s cheated time. Themes of dysphoria and other troubling topics abound. Being stuck in time loops, thinking she’s an aberration, needing crutches because her legs stop working, etc.

Also, removing the fact that she is a robotic automaton is a bunch of the appeal of Ori. Or well, it’s what makes her character ‘interesting and unique’ to many. Without that, she is ‘yet another Zaunite’, as the thing that made her most interesting was her death and rebirth. ( Nevermind that her entire story is that she’s a selfless person but- I’m supposed  to act like she’s bad, right? )

What inspired you to rp your muse?  —  Hey remember when institute of war was a thing? And then when it wasn’t? And Ori’s lore was “died to a turret shot trying to be a champion”... and then it was up in the air for two years?

That’s why. If no one else will love her, I will. She deserves better. And then the lore became close to my lore so I rewrote everything a second time trying to stick to the themes I had.

Ori’s thematic question is, “What do you do when you don’t recognize yourself anymore? How do you get back to ‘okay’ and what do you do from there?” It’s a pretty dim question that has a lot to do with body image, but also to do with abandonment and neglect, and  just dropping out of people’s lives. I think that’s something that people can really relate to. I originally wrote her on a multi with a ‘post void Malz’, who was dealing with the trauma of being puppeted around for years and all the things he had done, trying to get back to ‘okay’ without getting killed. More below:

What keeps your inspiration going?  —  Themes as noted above, Ori is super cute, and a lot of my art & general ideas. I’ve kind of turned these three characters in borderline OCs and keep developing them as they grow... Sometimes I think the stories and concepts I’ve written have outgrown the fandom. And thinking about her, and how she would live, and what her story is... mmm.

Also, the themes I write... I think they matter. Maybe it’s not obvious to anyone but myself, but writing a character who feels dysphoria and hates their body for ‘betraying them’... is relatable. It’s not nice. It’s not simple. But it’s relatable and it matters. Ori’s theme on this blog has a lot to do with “fighting a fate that says you’re going to lose and defying expectations” as well as “coming back from something wicked and rotten in your psyche/body”. And I do write some other skin verses for her but they’re all adapted to meet that theme. ( For example, in SG, she rises to guardian after finding out she’s fated to become a dark star and fights that fight alone, because ‘hell no she’s not going to go dark’. This was 5+ years ago back when there were theories SG and DS were same universe. )

Mostly it’s writing about these themes of expectation and reality. Overprotective parent, absentee parent, dealing with trauma... All my writing is like that. It can make my characters seem overly tragic, yes, but these ideas are not so far gone that they’re completely irrelevant and beyond belief. I’m sure many people have experienced emotional exhaustion and problems with body image. Even though I do write ‘polite but ready to fight’ characters only... Well, I believe in exploring and expressing these kinds of problems. Inner conflict and all. But also fluff! Fluff is really nice! Talk to her about pancake robot.

I also really do enjoy, on some level, turning people around on these characters. “You made me care about character x” is such high praise.

My muse is:   canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless /

Is your character popular in the fandom?  YES / NO. ( post rework??? oh my god )

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK.

Is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK. ( hard to consider ‘martial’ characters strong when Xer/ath and Syn/dra exist )

Are they underrated?  YES / NO. ( she’s a little overrated, isn’t she?  )

Were they relevant for the main story?  YES / NO / MAYBE ?

Were they relevant for the main character?  YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG.

Are they widely known in their world?  YES / NO / MAYBE ?

How’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL.

How strictly do you follow canon?  — I still draw from old lore with her big four blades of doom and ‘reviving’ with the help of Raka ( though I leave it vague / easy to gloss over ). I also had a lot of ideas about music and rhythm and tradition before the update ( drums were a big thing for her, so strong percussive beats and motions reign over the more silk and ribbon dances that flow more, drawing on things like Zelos existing, Lito’s lessons & harsh behavior, and her own internalized habits of trying to calm herself ), so I draw on those a ton. For me, the progression is ‘classic’ -> ‘infiltrator / nightblade ‘ -> ‘aviator’ all as one timeline. Also wrote her as being ‘missing in action’, which makes the awaken cinematic weird. I also really try to emphasize that she’s an emotionally stunted wardog with scars and not ultra pretty, so.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals.  —  A world traveler and a wardog, you can find her anywhere, any time, ready to kick some butt and enjoy the local food. Her simmering fury is a counterpoint to her relatively muted demeanor and adventurous spirit. However you may find her, there’s a definite charm to being flown up above the clouds to watch a sunset and talk. She will fly you where you need to be.

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?).  —  I’m a little stuck on old lore and writing Lia as a character that has “left behind” her past and is pretending to be dead does make certain interactions tough. She’s also a deeply stunted character, emotionally, and I write her ten years of experience as having chilled her to a cold, ever burning ember rather than a passionate flame. Also, ‘aviator’ is kind of weird to handle for a lot of people.

What inspired you to rp your muse?  —  This one is really simple. When this blog started, the only splash where Irelia was smiling was the aviator splash. That’s it. That as the whole reason. “I want her to be happy and have found her happiness.”

What keeps your inspiration going?  —  I will admit that Lia is the character that I give the least attention to out of these three, and part of it is because I don’t really do flirting or shipping with her as much. She’s not one to reach out to others, and there are a lot of popular Lia blogs to the point that when I, as a multi, write with someone... She probably isn’t the first pick.

But I just... want her to be happy. That’s it. As I mentioned with the Ori section, what I’ve worked out for her has kind of outgrown the fandom itself, she’s become a different entity. Her themes largely involve recovery and finding oneself anew, and writing a character that is passionate about others while still being cool-headed is some of the variety I need. Because Lia is ace/homosexual, she sits out on a lot of the flirty content, but the chances I get to write her being romantic and caring... my god. Just a few posts back and forth with @unholyshe​ ‘s Akali and a So/na I used to write with....... Unforgettable. ( On that note go follow @unholyshe​ what a good writer, gosh dang. ) It’s these small interactions I find intensely compelling, and having a ‘quiet intensity’ and really thinking about her body language...

Also it’s nice to write a character with little secret agenda, who is just straightforward. “Will I enjoy kissing you? Only one way to find out. ‘It was okay.’ “ A ‘the only way forward is through, just do it’ attitude is refreshing.

------------------

Learning to write all three characters helps me write the others: The little things I think about that are specific to each person really help me out for the others. The depth of using body language from Sona bleeds into how Lia uses body language, and how Ori doesn’t ( even common ticks ), etc etc. Ori’s blunt, observational style of speaking ( telling you that you look good like it’s an observational fact ) helps me understand how to be straightforward with Lia.

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice?  YES …? / NO. ( sometimes I do get very anxious abt it, esp. since I’m so divergent and do things like ‘so/na is one part succubus lol’ )

Do you frequently write headcanons? YES / NO. ( do excerpts count? less headcanons and more musings, since I’m on like 5+ years with 2/3 of these. )

Do you sometimes write drabbles?  YES / NO. ( time is not a thing but I used to write a ton, my drabble energy goes to novels now )

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day?  YES / NO. ( this is why you see mobile posts from me constantly, and so many excerpts / musings ).

Are you confident in your portrayal?   YES / NO. ( It’s what I want but it can also be disillusioning / disappointing to people so. Dunno. Anxiety. =/  )

Are you confident in your writing?  YES / NO. ( It takes me a bit to warm up to a character again, but yes. I know my writing is not bad but I can be a little insecure about it. )

Are you a sensitive person?  YES / NO. ( Very. I cry a lot and I get upset pretty easily. Sometimes I end up being really cold instead but idk. )

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal?  — To a point. Sometimes criticism is irrelevant or meaningless, or is just personal taste. “Sona shouldn’t be that strong” isn’t helpful ( but thinking about ways to pare down the complexity is good! ) Sometimes I get criticism that is the equivalent of tasting a chocolate cake and going, “It should have been vanilla, I like vanilla better.” That’s cool, but that has nothing to do with the taste of the chocolate cake I made. ( Ori as a human isn’t interesting, talk more about Sona & the etwahl even though it’s broken, Lia flying doesn’t make sense, etc - these are foundational flavors, so what can I do? ).

Also sometimes people make comments that make me feel they’re just being petty / catty and not sincere. I’ve seen quite a few hypocritical comments and it’s hard to take them seriously. So, yes, but ‘to a point’... Mostly I take suggestions, which I then talk about for the muse. Exploring those ideas. Unsolicited criticism is... hmm. In my experience, about half of it isn’t constructive. And from the wrong person, it can sound judgemental. 

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character?  — Of course? I love asks. Always. Great. Awesome. If I have a chance to draw to answer these asks, even better.

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why?  —  Not really. I’m divergent, they probably disagree because they have a different vision for the character. I’ll be honest here and say I’ve had enough people tell me that “my portrayals are not what they expected” that this can be... disheartening. I usually have a good reason for 80% of my hcs. If we’re talking in IMs though or just conversing, I’m totally fine with it. This comes back to unsolicited criticism - to be a little blunt, some people just straight up don’t know what they’re talking about. And given that I put a bunch of effort in trying to make sure most of my headcanons can be glossed over, so it doesn’t cause conflict and my ‘ultra grim take’ doesn’t cause the end times... I dunno. I’d rather that someone tell me “the kind of interactions they want”, so I can lean into that direction. If you just want fluff, I can leave most of my darker hcs for So/na at the door... But you need to tell me that, so I can work with you. 

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it?  — just leave? huh? I mean, I already know people disagree. If you’re not rude, then we’ll just move on and be chill. Otherwise... well, we won’t be chill and you can still go, but I’ll consider you a dick. I don’t expect everyone to agree with “Ori is a human”, but why bring that up to me?

This is why a lot of the time, when people talk about characters and my muses, my brain defaults to “Well that has nothing to do with me.” Why should I invest any time being upset that people are disappointed with my portrayal or I’m not what they expected. It’s exhausting. People have some really strong opinions about Lia and Sona sometimes, but... ‘that has nothing to do with me.’ There’s no point in trying to convince someone to try your flavor of ice cream when they’ve already decided what flavor and toppings they want. It just leads to tremendous insecurity. I should not have to argue that ‘my portrayal is worth paying attention to’. 

Ugh. I might be too sensitive about this. There was a point where people really got in the habit of saying, “this is how character x is” ( not their muse ), and it felt like someone trying to enter my kitchen. It did not feel like a suggestion or an idea. It was an assertive, “this is how Irelia is” by, say... a Ry/ze or Ken/nen blog or something. That felt extremely isolating and alienating to me, because it felt like I could not participate in that conversation at all. Or stuff after. I had to sideline myself, because... that has nothing to do with me or my interpretations. Ofc griping at them is wrong because I know they mean, ‘this is how I see it’, but ye. I’m short tempered and easily upset. Working on it.

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it?  — um? bye? hello?

god I used to go “ ok that’s cool you don’t like my portrayal, here are some other great So/na blogs that I love” but I realized that I was directing someone who felt the need to tell me my portrayal or character is bad to those people... and no. no no no. I still feel a little guilty about it, because thinking I directed a toxic person to my duplicates...  yuck.

If you don’t like the characters, or you don’t like my divergent takes, that’s fine. I get it’s not for everyone. Just unfollow me. You’re not paying me. You’re not under any obligation. To an extent, i don’t mind being critical of the character, but there’s a difference between being critical and being hateful to someone’s muse? And it depends a lot on how close I am with a person. For example, I think Sy/las is a complete scumbag and I hate him, but I don’t go yelling that to every Sy/las blog I see. C’mon.

Another bit of salt but it’s... kind of a sad topic, really. There are some characters people love to hate, whereas other ones get the ‘protection squad’. And in general it’s really disheartening to see someone shittalk Lux every two weeks, but go ‘these other champs are off limits’. If you have that attitude, it makes me think you’ll shittalk my characters the moment they get popular ( COUGHIRELIACOUGH ) and that’s kind of sad. And mean. So general advice on this is: Probably just don’t tell someone you hate their muse, you know? Idk. Everyone has their own tolerance level too so. meh.

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors?  —  Somewhat.  Not much to say here, sometimes I am very tired, sometimes I comma splice like a madman, sometimes I overuse hyphen dashes to avoid deciding whether to use a comma, period, or semicolon - like this. I don’t need an editor. English is my first language. But if there’s something egregious or you have tips, let me know? I’m someone who looks up grammar rules regularly, and breaks teh rules just as regularly. Knowing when and how to break grammar rules is useful. Though I do tend to... overuse something once I’ve learned it. Hyphen dash, I’m looking at you.

Do you think you are easy going as a mun?   — Yes and no. I’m chill, I can be a little overly passionate, and I’m pretty quick to apologize... But I have certain moral standards and if you break those, you’re done. Also I can be a vengeful bastard. I try to give as much benefit of the doubt as I can and many chances, but I’ve noticed that I really... have a sour attitude towards a lot more people than I expect. Sometimes people who are very well liked, just because they said or did something that ticked me off. Luckily, I have the special skill of not being a jerk even if I don’t like you, and overall trying to be nice to most people, so it usually won’t matter. 

Ah and I can be a little selective in who I talk to / play favorites a bit. I’m a busy person with an adult life and a stressful job, I only have so much patience. I skip from “tolerating it” to “leaving”, and that can seem like I ghosted, but that’s not always the case. Just better to leave than to pick fights. I have some pretty strict standards and harsh opinions. Short temper. Vengeful. Alas.

Somehow people think I am very nice and baby, so take that for what you will. Pft. I just want people to be happy and feel comfortable and okay. Wrong is wrong, blah blah blah ok I stop now.

That’s about it, congrats for filling out!

( If you managed to read all this, with 3 full muses... Let me know, I want to hug you??? )

[philalethistry]

WELP my birthday month was a bit of a rollercoaster ride. I thought about the cons of posting this but I’d like to record it, so that future me can look back and, depending on how the future goes, either feel validated or be glad that this is over. Warning: discussion of crappy mental health.

TL;DR Breakdown results in will to live and fuck current events I have a recliner

I’m going to start with today, Sept. 1, and work back, for reasons.

Today I drove to a furniture thrift store. This doesn’t sound like much, but I A. hate driving, especially to new places, B. am already in a pretty anxious state, and C. I got lost because the road I wanted to turn on wasn’t marked, nor looked like a road rather than an alley, and so I somehow spent two hours trying to find one store. (At one point I had to stop and get something to eat because I had started shaking. The cashier watched me struggle to free two bills from my wallet and then declined the change I owed her to avoid making me retrieve that too. I wonder if she thought I was high...)

The important thing about what I did today, is I went out to find the store, and even when I did not find the store and ended up circling back to my street, instead of going home and having a sandwich and watching Youtube, I turned around again. I know it’s partially because of this video’s explanation of why one gets more nervous trying to do something a second time after procrastinating or running away from it, as I’d always pin the anxiety on my guilt, instead of a fear instinct which is more managable. But I’m going to give dopamine where dopamine is due and also say that my eventual victory was partially because of the newfound strength I have in the aftermath of the freak mental storm that enveloped the start of August.

I know that no one is doing “””okay””” right now, because of Everything, and that is nicely validating, because I am not okay either. But it’s dissonant, because I’d often follow the lead of neurotypicals and high-functioning depressives and anxious people when I’m in a bad way. If THEY say things aren’t as hopeless as I think they are, they probably aren’t! While that helped, it also downplayed my brain issues, and now that everyone has the same opinions on the State of Things, I realized I didn’t have any idea of how to confront the bad shit on my own, and neither does anyone else.

I’m technically still quarantining by refraining from making a lot of trips out and from getting a job, and so the murky pea-soup fogs of the future unsettle me. I was pretty chipper for the larger part of quarantine, as an introvert. Then one day, the thought suddenly occurred to me of the sheer amount of time I’ve spent in quarantine, how COVID isn’t receding from Arizona, how I had to quit the first job I’d gotten in the face of anxiety and depression, of how much of my future rests on the coming election, and most of all of how I have no idea what my future holds, of where I’ll be five or ten years down the line. “In the same place” and “Somewhere else” seem equally intimidating.

And then hormones struck.

I’ve had bad depressive episodes; I’ve had bad days of anxiety; I’ve had bad PMS; and then I’ve simply indulged unhealthy negativity. All of these, combined, made for a surreal and frightening experience. Emphasis on surreal. Also, contextually, emphasis on frightening, obviously. There were many feelings. Emphasis on everything.

My mental space may be a mess but I’ve never been too concerned with dwelling on life and death, even when faced with the latter. It’s never been a point of any interest to me; in the face of mortality I’m pretty good at giving importance to the present moment and to my internal values, like “science cool,” “mocha good” and “drawing fun.” In fact since childhood (third grade. Is this a normal third grader thing??) I’ve been a fan of cheerful nihilism, IE “There isn’t a secret meaning to the universe therefore I can give it any meaning I can make! Anything is possible, things are great!” I didn’t really grasp the concept behind existential dread, it sounded like something that happened to movie characters when the writers didn’t know how else to portray angst. Oh boy, do I have a new emotion I won’t be able to forget. My natural disaster of a brain supplied me, among everything I was already experiencing, three (3!!!) different categories of existential crisis. I had to look it up. And the weird thing about this Satan’s asscrack of an episode, is that while I’m prone to spiraling rumination, normally I can distract myself, because it’s still just me, thinking unhelpful thoughts. This time, these thoughts, the shittiest thoughts I’ve ever had the displeasure of producing, were automatic. I was not getting stuck pondering one bad topic; everything I saw became, in real time, entangled in the web of thought pattern in the most natural way. And it was LOUD.

Have you ever thought, “I’ll sit on the couch, the couch is comfy. The couch did not exist until a few years ago, its lack of existence had no impact on anything in any meaningful way, and when it turns to dust it will be forgotten.” Because I myself had a teensy bit of an inkling that maybe that ain’t normal. The thing is, I knew I was only feeling this way because, well, I Was Feeling That Way, it’s just the mood; but being stuck in isolation, and with everyone else also troubled by issues of the past, the present and the future, knowing that didn’t help.

I can remain in a depressive / anxious state for a little while, but the actual peaks only last at most a couple of hours. This was Mt. Everrest AND it lasted a week and a half. I was at the end of my rope a day in and had no idea what to do about it, so I tried to do everything. The physical present felt empty, so I tried to fill it with media, literature, art, walks, family time. Problem is, “anhedonia” - a symptom of depression where you don’t get dopamine boosts from activities - cuts pleasure out of these things, so nothing held my interest, let alone made me feel motivated or remotely better. Another symptom of depression, weirdly enough, is the feeling of disgust - I wasn’t conscious of this symptom until it was magnified. I felt completely and utterly repulsed by everything around me. I first thought it was the clutter, then the way the furniture was arranged, then I thought I’d been inside too long so I took walks in the neighborhood when nobody was out. The confusion came when I disliked the trees, grass, and fresh air too - I had to Google my feelings to find out what the heck was going on.

Which brings me to my bedroom. My room is littered with memorabalia, I’m sentimental so I have little shrines of items from the past and of things I value. Some childhood toys and a handful of old trinkets, shelves dedicated to Pokemon and Neil Gaiman’s work, some references to Chicago and Polish heritage. My unhappiness with the situations of the present, while strengthened to an totally unnecessary degree, weren’t all inaccurate - and in combination with anhedonia and disgust, and the way I’d integrated this memorabalia into my sense of self even though they aren’t really relevant to me anymore, I found that I really really didn’t like my past or reminders of it. In a shocking unpredicted turn of tables, I no longer wanted to uphold who I once was, because it isn’t who I am now, and it’s not who I want to be.

And the revulsion of the past and the uncertain emptiness of the present culminates in a future that I feared, another emotion booted up to eleven. There was a big need to make my future and remake myself. The only places left comfort could be found were ones I hadn’t yet looked. At the same time I became sad in a powerful but vague way and desperately lonely - this part was definitely all the feral hormones - and I became obsessed, for a little while, with making sure that, when quarantine ends, I would get my social life in order. I preemptively joined groups and clubs in my local area online, which I’m still going to make good on later but maybe not to the all-encompassing extent I had in my mind at the time. Also, career hunting. (Also also, to combat a lack of control, I wanted to get my own place - but with the economy like That, and my ass like This, big alone time while also being very poor and probably overworked is not the best of ideas.)

So. The freak episode ended. And I knew. Both during. And afterwards. That I Do Not Want That to Happen Again. To put it lightly. So now I’m trying to find an antidepressant that works for me. I’ve been medicated for three weeks now. Lower anxiety, not many mood swings, but still anhedonia, and the aftertaste of existential dread which will forever haunt me. I’m completely overhauling my bedroom, because it was messy anyway and has basically looked the same since forever which can’t be good for my mental health. So there’s going to be new bedsheets (chocolate), new curtains to kill sunlight because while I enjoy it outdoors it makes the room feel exposed since the window is groundlevel and faces the street, a whole ass recliner thrifted for only 20 bucks(!) to go in a brand new study corner along with a nice aggressively patterned brown rug, and finally the grody offwhite walls will be repainted a warm inviting brown that was named “spiced cinnamon.” No matter what happens, I look forward to spending the winter in the study, invoking a cozy comfort the Danes call “hygge,” and hopefully building my gallery or participating in my interests, including fandom, in another way. And, once my budget allows it, getting some fucking therapy, what the fuck.

[nabchave]

😎Author Introduction, Background on Class & Topic, Abstract, Blog format😎

Hello, everyone!😁

My name is Nathalie Chávez. I am a senior, third-year anthropology major and literature minor at the University of California, Santa Cruz. This means I am graduating after this spring quarter and I am taking my last anthropology class: the senior exit seminar (yay!). 👩🏼‍🎓

This winter quarter, the seminar was ANTH 196D Food and Medicine with Nancy Chen. We focused on the social significance of food as medicine, the complexities of eating, healing, and wellbeing, among other topics. As our final project, we were given the opportunity to research a topic and either write a research paper or produce a blog. Since I am here, of course I chose to do a blog (and for great reasons, too 😊). I have never actually done blogs before, so this will be a learning experience for me. I do enjoy writing and so having the liberty to write in a space without constraints is definitely a plus. Of course, I will still keep this professional as I am writing about a serious topic and hope to intrigue an audience that can be stimulated to do their own research about my findings. Maybe they can directly read my sources and enjoy them as much as I did! 😊

Not only will these blogs be concise, but they will also appeal to a broader audience because of its formatting and short reading at times. I appreciate the effort that goes into hammering out a research paper, but a blog in which I can incorporate more of my thoughts and conclusions that I accumulated with my research would better benefit the audience I most want to target: young college students who may most likely relay my research and messages to their family and friends. With that said, my blog’s topic is seaweed and its benefits for breast cancer. Hence, my blog’s title: “Natural Medicine from the Sea(weed: Breast Cancer-Preventing Seaweed)”.

⚠⚠ Before we proceed, a word of precaution: keep in mind that I am not at all a physician or a medical professional. This information I am providing comes from my analysis of numerous articles I researched from database archives in various disciplines including immunology, medical anthropology, food and nutrition, endocrinology...etc. I will include these sources throughout my posts as I cite them. I will also include a post with all the sources that I have cited. ⚠⚠

Since my blogs will be taking the place of a research paper, but I researched and compiled information as though I would format it in a paper, I am introducing you with my “abstract” of my research in which I give a map of how my blogs will proceed and what they will accomplish with the information I provide…(see below!):

By using other journal research papers available in databases and informational websites on correlating cancer prevention with seaweed (a sea vegetable) as well as by drawing from research already done on seaweed and cancer, I plan to investigate how and why sea vegetables can be used as an alternative to prevent breast cancer in Japanese women. 🌿 The literature reviewed in this article was obtained from various scientific sources and encompasses publications from 2000 - 2019. Although some articles may be considered out-of-date per se, they hold a lot of the preliminary questions that researchers are answering in recent publications.

Then, I will expound my hypothesis to determine whether the same benefits can be translated to U.S. women once they add seaweed to their daily meals. From this research, I hope to validate and expand the hypothesis that I have constructed: to identify how Asian food consumption is purposely used to prevent breast cancer and if there are any drawbacks to consuming seaweed constantly. These data may be useful to scholars, the general public, or college students and their families interested in sea vegetables used as natural medicine from the sea and ethnopharmacology. Ethnopharmacology (per dictionary.com [https://www.dictionary.com/browse/ethnopharmacology]) is the study of medicinal substances purposefully used in cultural groups.

My blogs will be broken down by categories. I will try to write the most relevant information first to help you understand the later blogs. For example, I will deal with:

a broad history of seaweed,

what cultures use it,

how seaweed is cancer-preventative

which seaweed is best to consume if U.S. women would like to modify their diet…etc.

but in an order that to me makes the most sense for understanding the heart of the research.

You may be asking where the “anthropological” aspect of this research will come in. Fortunately, two of my sources deal with the anthropology of ethnomedicine and ethnopharmacology. However, I intend to use the few anthropological articles I found on seaweed and its consumption in the United Kingdom as a source for evidence of non-Asian cultures eating seaweed for health benefits and how it ties in with Japanese culture.

While the majority of my sources are non-anthropological, they are required to understand what the science behind seaweed’s anticancer properties is. The heavy emphasis on the background on seaweed will hopefully lure health-conscious individuals who need to know what exactly is going on in their body when they consume this uncommon food in the U.S. In general, it will be a good way to exemplify that food in its raw state can be used as medicine because that is where most supplements come from anyway. I will be making the point that when people consume seaweed, they are not thinking about what is inside the seaweed because they may not know what exactly is contributing to its properties. Many consume the seaweed or know that it is beneficial for their health due to generations of having eaten that seaweed and understanding that it made them fight certain diseases. I will be shedding light on its anticancer effects, particularly breast cancer, because that is a lesser known property of seaweed.

Stick around for my next blog to get a glimpse of what I will be dealing with and what you can expect from the research! As I preface my research, I will be explaining why I chose my topic, my methods of research, and my research questions and goals.

“Sea” you in the next blog! 😂💻📝

P.S. one last thing I forgot to mention: I will be audio recording these blogs as a sort of audio blog, in case you prefer to listen to them and to make these written blogs more accesible! :)

All the best,

Nathalie B. Chávez 😊