#anyway ive still never read anything else like it and idk if i ever will if only bc books written in this style dont really get published

[molloytheboy]

Thinking about how much I love the voyeuristic nature of the vampire chronicles and how much it adds to the experience of reading them. Especially in the books which are supposed to be one character literally sitting down with another and telling them their life story (iwtv, tva, etc) it creates these strange sort of immersion breaking moments where you're reading descriptions of horrific assault or bodily functions or even just smth cringe and embarrassing the interviewee did and it takes you out for a minute bc ur like wait hold on Daniel/David/whoever is just sitting here listening to this? Louis why are you giving so much graphic detail u didn't have to say all that?? And in that moment you ARE interviewing the vampire, you're feeling and thinking exactly what Daniel probably is in that moment and so by briefly pulling you out of the story you end up going back in even more immersed than you were before

And from the other side sometimes in very intense scenes the opposite happens, where the first person pov makes you feel like you ARE Lestat fighting the wolves, or Armand exploring renaissance Venice for the first time or whatever, and idk for me I think that's a big part of what makes these books so compelling, it's that combination of unfiltered sincerity and intimacy and lack of pretension and the way they sort of just open their arms and pull you in like a lover or smth

[readingwiththestars]

₊˚⊹♡ IF ONLY I HAD TOLD HER

["whatever our souls are made of hers and mine are the same"]

| ✮ 3.5 stars |

THOUGHTS ° ᡣ𐭩 . ° . [spoilers for ihhbwm + some spoliers for ioihth]

ok so lemme tell you i had the BIGGEST reading slump ever just as i started to read this. so this review may be a little choppy at some points because i've just pointblank forgotten some parts and don't wanna go back and re-read finny's pov just yet.

i was so on the fence about reading this because on one hand i really wanted to read finny's pov and on the other, complete and utter heartbreak.... yeah....... so anyway i read it.

when i tell you that this book had me ugly crying in the middle of the night. like seriously finny's pov?? fucking broke me. are you kidding me? the way he speaks about autumn? ugh when am i gonna find a guy like finny fr? but seriously this book had me on a rollercoaster of emotions just from the heartbreak knowing whats already gonna happen to finny as he describes how happy he is and how he can't believe autumn loves him back, to the smile i had on my face reading about 'the moms' bickering over baby stuff for autumn.

i will say this now i did expect a little more (hence the rating). i wanted idk more closure at the end there. idk rlly know how to describe it better since its 10 o'clock at night and ive had zero sleep for the past four nights in a row. but yeah i wanted something more. (bitch u wanted finny to be alive)

CHARACTERS ° ᡣ𐭩 . ° .

finny -

*sobbing noises* i could go on a damn rant abt this boy. holy shit. he's just perfect. if i see one person ONE PERSON coming after him istg- he was such a caring sweet person like the pencil??? and always going to the sketchy gas station (i nearly called it a servo then lmao) to get the candy autumn likes?? and always making sure people were safe when he drives?? *cough* apparently not you though sylvie *cough* just ahhh laura when i get you. cause like why'd you have to make him get out of the car, hmmm? lets just compromise and you give me an alternate universe where finny misses the puddle or better yet where sylvie kept her damn seatbelt on.

jack -

tbh i wasn't all that excited to read about jack. (also to be fair i was still sobbing from finny's pov so that probably didn't help) like i seriously just thought it'd be some jock trying to process finny's death by hooking up with alexis (who by the way can go jump up her own ass and die) but we got the whole other side of him where he was genuinely affected by finny's death and really was his best friend. but the way he didn't like autumn way just- yeah. also i saw him and sylvie coming from a mile away like seriously it wasn't very subtle.

autumn -

*sobbing noises increase* autumn my baby girl. i just wanted to jump through the pages and give her a hug. seriously i feel robbed that we didn't get to see a happy autumn. angie and her's friend ship was so precious tho. and i love love LOVE that they bonded over being moms/soon-to-be-moms. im also just gonna say the way we didn't see an ounce of jamie or sasha this entire book made me so happy! i also lowkey wanted to see more of when she was an actual mom? like what would she name the baby? i wanted to see domestic autumn a little more. but i still love her so much and it was so lovely to see her heal <3

QUOTES ° ᡣ𐭩 . ° . [spoilers]

"my love for her is the closest thing i have to religion. but it's okay that she doesn't feel the same. i'm fine. i can handle it" - finny

"my devotion to autumn is engraved on my very being. i am in awe of her. i will sit in the stands and cheer her on in life as her most ardent admirer. i know i'll always love her in the same way i know i'll always need oxygen" - finny

"it's all done. finn's story is over. his whole life. that was it. not even nineteen years, and he'll never, ever do anything else ever again. finn won't go off to college or celebrate his birthday. he won't get another hair cut or get the oiled changed in his car. he won't bite a hangnail on his thumb or buy another CD. finn smith has done everything he will ever do. he won't get to be with autumn." - jack

“this baby isn't what's left over from our love story. this baby is our story's continuation.” - autumn

"if only i'd told her that i loved her years ago, i wouldn't be here now." - finny

all in all laura you can pay for my therapy mkay?

[kae-eee]

charming sibling yap session bc im obsessed

apple forced daring to have playground weddings with her but she never let it get to the kiss

she said that that part should be saved for when he wakes her up

i think raven has had at least a little crush on darling sometime before dexter

darling absolutely had a crush on cerise

i also think darling may have romanticized the idea of apple but never did really like her

daring and rosabella qpr??

i understand him as aroace but her as straight so is that a thing she can do? idk

heres where the real yapping starts

darling really and truly resented her brothers at some level for such a long time

daring much more so than dexter

imagine living your whole life watching two brothers constantly being trained for everything that you want to do and be in life

one of them, your twin who you share everything but a “purpose” with, doesn’t even want it

you’d probably give anything to take his generic prince charming destiny

he’d probably like to switch with you too.

it’s not his fault and you would never hate him for it, but it’s gotta hurt.

your other brother seems to really love his destiny of saving princesses and slaying dragons, and being the most handsome prince in ever after, mostly because he loves himself and that’s all he really is

he couldn’t give a shit about loving or caring for his princess, but you would.

you would pick flowers for your princess, sing her songs and fight for her honor, not just your own

you would be a better prince than he could ever be

you really can’t hate him for that either, he was born into it and you weren’t, it’s not his fault.

when it’s time for his destiny to play out you sit back and watch and still kind of wish it was you even though you’ve found a purpose in being the white knight

blah blah blah dappling kiss goes on

now it’s his turn to resent you and wish he was you because you took his purpose, his destiny, really his life away

but it’s not your fault either.

end of that spiel

not a single one of them is cisgender i just know it

i don’t think that darling really has any feelings for apple

my reason behind this is that huntlynn are clearly in love, but they aren’t destined true lovers

so clearly your destined true love and your hearts desires don’t have to agree

anyway the destiny system is bullshit and im an applebeauty/darling x anyone else really truther

maybe dexters destiny was prince siegfried

i know the go to fandom headcannon is that he’s ashlynns prince but i feel like siegfried fits him more

correct me if im wrong ive never read swan lake

i really love a good transfemme daring headcannon

once someone tagged my post saying we should call her dearest or something else i cant remember but it was cute as hell

but just think about transfemme dating seriously for a second

daring canonically has so little identity outside of being snow whites prince charming

she has insane expectations placed on her to be the bravest, kindest, most handsome prince in ever after

shes obsessed with mirrors

but deep down she really does hate how she looks

after epic winter i think she would start to figure herself out and even post transition she wouldn’t let herself become that vain again

i sort of think dexter would be into dancing

he has fully recorded and edited videos of him doing a dance routine but is too scared to post it

[shitpostingkats]

hello hello!! i came across your post about baron in the aromantic tag and omg i JUST. needed to say that i am having the EXACT same experience as you right now 😭, aroace watching fantasy high for the first time (though in not as far in as you im on like sy ep 6), but ive seen clips of the baron scenes before and it's just like oh my goshhhh isn't it CRAZY?? how a silly goblin boy in a dnd show makes you feel more seen than anything else on planet earth (for me at least)?? And he's such an amazing character on every single level too, i think about him and him and his mom every day... of my Life....

It's just likeeee. LIKE. Oh my gosh it's just so good. he makes me very happy. i literally started watching fh BECAUSE i saw clips of the baron scenes and knew i just needed to see this. anyway yeah this got really long but. Isn't he just the best ever TBH ....

aegfvhjksjhdl I had the exact opposite experience. Saw a single animatic for Baron's introduction scene like a million years ago and completely forgot it was from fantasy high until I got to The Scene and was like "Wait. I think I've heard this before."

Not to give to many spoilers, I came into Fantasy High knowing Riz was canonically ace but like... I wasn't sure how much of a thing it was going to be? Idk, I just figured it would be the (still very nice!!!! and important!!!) representation of just saying he's ace once or twice.

HOOOOOOOOOO boy I was not expecting to have multiple scenes that examine aceness and growing up ace that cut me to the bone. I felt seen while listening to Baron's second appearance, just validated and moved and really emotional. I straight up cried, which was doubly surprising, because the last time I cried over a piece of media I was in middle school and had just finished reading the Gregor the Overlander series. Brennan and Murph just wonderfully captured a lot of really hard to articulate emotions, emotions I was always convinced were never really going to be understood by someone who hadn't experienced them first hand. And that meant all the more to me, listening to it. We are not alone. We are not incomprehensible.

Riz Gukgak being aroace is so important to me.

[mamasplat]

ooooooooo ive been keeping up with the huge thread.. <3333

is the fic smth you actually want to do? id read it 👍

have you got a timeline in mind?

also hows the run going?

im still in the middle of playing y, im almost at the snowy city, check out my squad 💪💪💪💪💪🐺

The true Calem run is coming along great, I only have one spot to fill in my team and I just got through the power plant!

Now regarding actually writing the Kalos vs amour story, I want to, I’d LOVE TO. It’s something younger me wanted so badly to do- however I am not exactly confident in my writing.

I’ve dabbled under a few sites with a lot of different “pen names” if you will, and I’ve never been too fond of my own work. I struggle with coming off as redundant when I use one word too much without realizing till after the fact, but in my defense! I’m entirely self taught with reading and writing so It’s surprising I’m even a little bit literate.

I can’t say I have the confidence to get a beta reader either as that would mean letting someone read my messy work which- yeah that kinda makes my skin crawl. So it could be a great exercise for me! But it would be a big step. I haven’t publicly written anything since 2019 and it was all small fandom stuff.

But I do have a rough list of story beats? Kinda? Ideas really.

Serena leaves for her journey on a whim to see ash, but in the process she neglected to tell anyone other than her mother. Which means Calem would have no clue where she went until he went to Grace. The dialogue “I was starting to worry until I saw you on pokevision” definitely dings around my skull a bit.

He was a member of the summer camp team with Shauna Trevor and Tierno, he was just too shy to talk to Serena again after she up and left without warning, especially seeing her proximity to a guy who is wearing HIS EXACT JACKET

Yeah no I’m making that a thing, the fact him and Ash dress nearly identically is going to freak him out in some way.

When I envision this as animated scenes, I can see him as a faceless character watching from the sidelines. Obscured but noticeable, coming to a head at the end of the episode where there’s a scene between him a Shauna. In a cabin kitchen at camp, It reveals him and Shauna specifically are traveling together. His face still unseen she’d pry at him for information on why he was so distant and why he hid from Serena. He’d dodge the question with an ever brooding “I don’t know” and the silence would linger as whatever midnight snack is being prepared. A camera angle change and turning to face Shauna for the first time during the conversation it ends with a single line. “Who was that guy she was with anyways?”

We would then see him again officially in a later episode with the appearance of Shauna, he and Serena finally reconnect over an awkward apology for her sudden absence. He’s familiar with Serena, his behavior is starkly different around her to anyone else- even Shauna. And while it might not peek anyone else’s concern it would get Bonnie’s gears turning, the kid is perceptive and comes to the conclusion Calem likes Serena, but that also turns into distrust thanks to Calem’s inherent standoffish nature. She would recognize him as “no good”

Also insert plot of Ash being super hyped like “oh yeah! New rival! Let’s go!” And Calem being violently uncomfortable around this hyper short stack who is dressed just like him and traveling with his run away neighbor-

If you couldn’t tell, I’d have no clue how to pov this. A third person pov makes the most sense but with a shift in focus from our main cast to Calem and Shauna- idk-

I’ve put more thought into this as actual anime episodes rather than written pages, so it’s all art stuff in my head and might translate weird to a fanfic

[monalovesstarsz]

Maybe we could

Genre: Non idol au and idk what else to say 😭

Pairings: Shy sick sunghoonxchronic illness shy y/n (I clearly don't know how to do this)

Summary: Y/n starts to spend a lot of time in a hospital due to her health and its super lonely until she meets sunghoon and they agree to try their best to live as regular teens.

Warnings: uhh I'm not totally sure but illnesses, thoughts of death, hospitals, depression, mentions of death (probably)

Not proof read 🙈

Chapter 2

"Uhm uh-Hi Sunghoon!"

'shit' you mentally cursed. You have never met him ever but you just said you just said his name. Why would you say his name oh my gosh!!! No way no way you had just messed up so hard. Had he known you had been following him all this time? No right? You're thoughts were interrupted by his voice

"Uhm hi it seems like you were struggling with that ?" His index finger pointed to your wheelchair. You knew he was tall but this was the first time you saw him standing up. He had always he sitting in his chair. As bad as it sounds you didn't think he could walk.

"Ohh yeah I um haven't really mastered how to use a wheelchair, My nurse wants me to learn how to use one on my own but I'm kinda tired so" you ended your sentence with a shrug.

"Ohh I can take you back to your room if you want." He smiled awkwardly again.

"Oh no you don't have to it's okay!!"

"No it's fine I insist"

"Okay thanks."

"So uh how did you know my name?"

So close. You were so close to your room. You almost made it before he had asked that question. Quick come up with something and excuse anything!

"Oh I-uh I well.. Oh! Giselle is my nurse and she something about mentioned you!!" Not smooth at all but it was okay he seemed like he believed you.

"Ohh she was one of my nurses but what did she say?"

'shit'

"Oh uhm she said that you and I were alike because we're both shy!" Not smooth once again but he believed you once again.

"Oh she told you that? I guess I can be sorta shy sometimes."

After he said that you guys had made it to your room.

"Uhm thanks for taking me back to my room oh and sorry for bumping into you earlier."

"Yeah it was no problem I don't have much to do anyway, and don't worry about earlier I couldn't get it at first either. Oh and I never asked your name?"

"Oh I'm y/n! And uh if you're as bored as me would you like to hangout with me in my room?" You don't know how you got the balls to ask him that but you did and you didn't question it. If he rejected your hangout you would switch hospitals for sure though.

"Yes I would like that haha" he showed off his smile and this time it wasn't an awkward one.

"So how old are you? You don't look older any older than me?" Asked sunghoon after sitting on the couch that was attached to the wall under your window.

"mhm? Oh I turned 16 this this year what about you?"

"Ohh we're both 16! But I'm about to turn 17 so I'm your elder." He giggled and teased you.

"Yeah yeah but we're the same age so it doesn't really count" you shrugged

"I'm still your elder though so yes it does."

"Okay fine" you said while you teasingly rolled your eyes

"If you want I can try to teach you how to maneuver a wheelchair. I didn't get it at first either and it gets pretty tiring."

"Oh yeah you should please I really need it."

"I could tell."

You shove him jokingly and rolled around in your wheelchair.

"I can drive it but I just can't turn that well."

"Oh that's tricky but I can show you how to later."

"deal!"

"How long have you been here Y/n?"

"Ohh it's been about three or four weeks, but I'm supposed to stay for awhile. What about you?" You saw sunghoons eyes gleamed as you said that.

"Oh I've been here for about almost 7 years. I moved here from south Korea when I was about 10 years old"

"mmm so you've been here for awhile then"

"yeah but back then I wasn't always spending most of my time here.I was a figure skater and im pretty good at it too!"

"Wowww an actual figure skater? Ive never met one before!! That's literally so cool dude you have to teach me some time!"

"Okay okay sure bro" he said the last word teasingly and you couldn't help but let a little laugh out.

"But only if you teach me how to draw as well as you." You figured he had seen your drawing book that was on your bed and the page was flipped onto your last drawing which was of two butterflies flying around together.

"Okay sure dude!" You had emphasized the last word.

You guys talked for two whole hours after that and about the most random things. You guys shared a lot in common but we're two completely different people. After that you heard a knock on your door

"Come in." You yelled quietly.

Gisellse walked in with a tray of really really bad hospital food.

"Hey Y/n it's time for dinner- Oh Heyy sunghoon!" She winked at you. 'Finally' she thought

"Oh yeah it's already 6" You said kinda sad knowing sunghoon would have to leave soon

"Oh I should probably get going now but remember our deal okay?"

"Yeah I will! I'll walk you to the elevator then."

"Hey y/n you know what Mr.lee said. You have to use your wheelchair,try to get used to it." Gisellse mostly said that so she could see you two interact. She was so curious about it. She honestly thought you two would be great friends but you both would be super duper awkward at least at first. Oh boy was she wrong. You both kinda clicked I mean it was kinda awkward at times but both of you didn't mind.

"We should hangout tomorrow again then" Sunghoon said excitedly walking into the elevator while Giselle wheeled you right in front of the elevator.

"Oh then where should we meet and what time?"

"Mhmm what about 2:30?" He said while opening your rooms door. He had a mischievous look on his face. Odd

"Sure but where?"

"I think you already know where I'll be around 2:30 you follow me like everyday y/n." He said it with a mischievous smirk as the elevator doors were about to close.

"WHAT??" You and Giselle in perfect unison.

w⁠(⁠°⁠ｏ⁠°⁠)⁠w

[luveline]

my dear jade, i just wanted to drop by for the first time since i followed you and say, i love your writing jade, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH.

i’ve been lingering on your blog. to scared to interact, i never do interact on here. but i just admire you so much i had to break my two years of barely interacting on this site.  I read and re read your work, and just- AGHHHH!!!!! i’ve been following you for years now… i think since 2022.

i am also a writer here, and i post not that often, but i envy you, honestly i was asked who my favorite writer was, and my first thought was you. i just wanted to tell you that i admire you a lot. i look up to the way you write, the way you build up your stories, and how you flesh out your characters.

your blog is a comfort for me.

in the two plus years i’ve been on tumblr your blog is the one i will remember years and years from now. 

i have a lot of uncertainty in my life, i finish high school in eight days!!! i am scared and elicited for college. and honestly i don’t know why this is suddenly a journal entry. i am kind of rambling, but anyway-

i just wanted to share that with you.

i write smut sometimes, (don’t worry, i am over age! i am ninteen!) but i get tired of it, and i just like the way you write reader and how she relates to alll the characters i’ve ever loved. i barely ever post here, barely interact with anyone. ive been here for a lot of fandom drama, and i’ve never been interested in it, a lot of people get big and leave. i just like to write for myself and post for others to also enjoy, and anyway, but you have been such a constant for me in my tumblr time, you and your beautiful, beautiful writing.

if i had a way to describe your writing, its like sleepy sunday mornings after having a night out or in with friends, you are half awake and in a dream state, everything is so peaceful, and you have the whole day before you, like knowing you are loved, and love right back, 

and you remind me of being seven and being included with my elder cousins as they talked about life, i used to think - still do- that they were amazing, that i wanted to be just like them when i grew.

i don’t know you personally, but i bet my life that you are the type of person that has a contagious smile. you’re eyes twinkle when you smile, and people feel safe around you. i do, for two plus years your blog has been my comfort. 

when my heart aches and i don’t want to cry i can always trust your blog to bring a smile, a blush, and a giggle out of me, 

anyway, just felt like writing to you, like a letter yk?

love, kisses, and hugs, always <3

p.s so sorry for the ramble, i just wanted to write to you, and idk…

omg you sound just like me honey!!! I love you I’m so happy you’re here and you don’t have to be sorry for anything it’s nice to see inside your head for a bit!! I’m really lucky to have you hold me in such high esteem and to be here for so long, thank you for being so kind! Two years is a long time 😭 I just think it’s nice to have you don’t worry about anything else if it’s to do with me!!

[crushingcasanova]

IM BACK , MY LOVE !!! last night was .. chaotic to say the least. i don’t wanna give away who i am by telling you much .. so ill just say that it was a lot hehe. trust me , if I could’ve answered you as SOON as you sent your response .. i would’ve <333 ive started to become really enamored with you .. （≧∇≦）your energy is just amazing and ive found myself getting excited when im sending these letters hehe .. so thank you !!

it’s crazy how similar our schedules are .. ill actually be going into tech week next week !! and that’s so sweet .. it figures that you’re good with kids , you seem like such a kind soul ^^ im sure that things are stressful for you. if you ever wanna rant , or listen to someone else talk and just relax .. ill do whatever i can for you!!

i forgot to send my other half , so ill just do it now :3 i love all of the things you said , but specifically gravity falls and steven universe ….. my goodness , i had steven universe as my special interest for years , id never stop thinking abt it (or flapping my gums about it … :,) ) and gravity falls was a hyperfixation for a while , and i still really like it !! just not as much as i did .. (i have autism and adhd by the way .. im sure you’re understanding but i wanted to tell and warn you ..) i guess i have a lot of interests so this one’s kinda hard …. i guess my basic list would be hsr , genshin , pjsk , alien stage , LAW AND ORDER SVU !! (shh it’s my special interest rn i kinda go crazy every time I talk about it so just ignore me) uhm and there’s a looot more but im not gonna name all that .. i wouldn’t wanna take up more space than I have i seriously talk so much my goodness .. i truly feel sorry that you gotta read all this ..

but anyways !! i hope your day is going so so so so amazingly .. idk what time it is for you (it’s 6:53 am for me) but what i DO know is that you are truly a blessing for me .. im sorry to maybe overwhelm you , but ive been feeling real lonely the past few weeks .. you’re the only person that I feel like has really paid attention to me (even if it’s only in these little asks) so .. thank you. all i really need is attention .. i wouldn’t dare ask more from you <333 i hope this letter finds you in good health!

your obedient servant , 🎭

I hope last night went well, even if it was a lot :0 don't even worry about the response times, by the way! I know I'm a bit slow with it too, and timing doesn't matter much to me as long as we get to chat :) thank you for the compliments by the way <33 I'm always excited to see you in my inbox, too! :D I've been looking forward to responding all morning actually!

I hope your tech goes well! My irl best friend has tech next week too :) she's doing puffs! Not sure if you know anything about the play, but it seems fun :) I appreciate the offer to rant to you, by the way, but it's okay! I've actually been very happy and excited with tech, even if I'm a bit tired :) so it's not an issue! I love tech and spending so much time with my cast members is such a joy <3 you're quite sweet for asking, though!

Steven universe was a big childhood show for me! I got to see susan egan (rose quartz) sing live once and I nearly exploded omg .... I had a lot of good memories with the show, and even wrote an essay about it last year for my english class! (It was about colonization in steven universe, which was actually very fun to do). I've been meaning to properly rewatch it sometime! Who were your favorite characters? And gravity falls too, I'm curious :D  (and also, I do understand, so no worries <3)

I used to play pjsk! Other than that, I'm nore unfamiliar with the other things. I've heard of genshin and hsr though and I have friends who play them :) and law and order svu I've heard of! You should totally tell me all about it, I'd love to learn about your interest :D and also, you can always tell me more of your interests and such if you wish! I'll always dutifully read it all, it'll never be too long for me >:D

I'm sorry you've felt lonely :( hopefully, you know I'll always be here to listen :D it doesn't overwhelm me to hear, I'm glad you can get it out! It's like 10:45 here as I write this, actually, so I think we have a bit of a gap timewise :) I hope your day goes super well! Let me know what you're up to if you wish :D

[rmorde]

Thoughts About the End of JJK

First things first, please don't expect any deep analysis from me. These are just my impression from reading the last chapter. Maybe when I start re-reading the series again (because I would eventually). But for now, here is my reaction.

"It's not as bad as I thought, but not as great as I hoped."

I. Not As Bad

I have no problems with the conclusion of each character because they earned their happy ends after all the misfortune they went through. Although it's bittersweet since that happiness has been paid for by all the "good" of The Past.

I wondered before if the message in JJK is somewhat like "Destroy everything of The Past to give hope to The Present and bring about a Better Future." This last chapter kinda seals the deal for me that that is the case.

One of the prevailing theme in JJK is that Jujutsu Society is horrible and must change. There are bright spots like Nanami, Yuki, Yaga, Choso, and Gojo. However, one by one, they died like some sort of sacrificial lambs in a ritual to rid of all the evils of their society and allow a brighter future for the younger generation of sorcerers. It reminds me of Mai telling Maki before dying "Destroy everything".

Anyway, this last chapter just kinda show how Gojo's dream of a new jujutsu society is finally fulfilled. It's kinder to sorcerers - there are now second chances for "curse users" and healthy support for each other. Gojo may not have lived to see it for himself but he knew that Yuji will carry on his hopes and go further than he ever did (kinda reminiscent of Todo's words back in Shibuya). I'd even go as far and interpret Gojo's conversation with him is a warning of "Do not be like me. Do not strive to be The Strongest or have another The Strongest. Forget measuring yourself to me. Forget me."

Overall, the conclusion is bittersweet.

II. Not As Great

The set up for the ending is bad. Really really bad. It's all over the place. The reason? The pacing. I think that's root of all evil in this manga - horrible lightning speed pacing.

As I mentioned earlier, the conclusion is not that bad but there should have been more time to set it all up. Why weren't they set up? It's because the narrative never slowed down enough for characters to breathe or the world to build up more. Everything is in-between the lines, clunky exposition dumps, or in supplementary materials.

I wholeheartedly believe that this bittersweet ending would have been better had there been "fillers" in the story like that baseball game and Ogawa chapters. Fillers is the fix needed for JJK! THERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN TRAINING ARCS AND MORE MISSION ARCS! But it was not meant to be because things are just happening too fucking fast all at the same time in this series.

Tbh tho, this problem is its greatest strength too. JJK is popular because of its breakneck pacing and no frills-filler storytelling. Just straight up action manga with a side of horror. So, I feel like Gege as a writer got stuck between a rock and a hard place then decided to just throw himself over the rocks.

III. About Gege

I'm not mad at the guy. I am thankful that he still bothered to go through with this story and finish it as best as he can despite his situation. Looking at some his interviews, he had it rough.

He wanted JJK to be straight up horror but his editor forced him to put it in a high school setting which had him changing his original ideas.

JJK was about to get axed. He was wrapping things up, but then got bamboozled into continuing the series. Idk about anyone else but that is one mindfuck for a creator.

The brutal weekly schedule did not allow him to cook enough especially anything related to the female characters since he expressed regrets regarding it. Not to mention when his art suffers in the really short chapters.

Huh... I guess this kinda factors also to my attitude of "Not As Bad" towards the ending. The whole thing could've gone so much worse because has enough reason to be really spiteful.

IV. Fave Parts in the Last Chap

The Kyoto Babies! Look at how happy they are to see Kokichi! Also, Mai being a nice wingwoman as she elbows Miwa towards Kokichi. AND LOOK AT THEIR INTERTWINED HANDS! 🥺

NA-na-MI! NA-na-MI! NA-na-NA-na-NA-NA-MI!

MY HUSBANDOS!!!

ItaFushiKugi!!! MY LITTLE BABIES!!! THEY'RE SO HAPPY TOGETHER!!!

Their gremlin faces! Ah... It's so nice to see them share a braincell again!

LMAO!!!! Poor Megumi has his hands full with these two.

Ah. Sorry, Megumi. You are stuck with them forever.

I think these are the panels that really convinced me that the jujutsu society has changed.

If this happened at the beginning, you bet this guy is going to be branded as a Curse User, hunted down, and then killed... Actually, would there even be a case? Because this may not be "serious" enough for the higher ups to get three sorcerers on the case since it's just stalking and the client is a hostess that probably won't have enough money to pay them.

The sorcerer here is self-reflecting. Instead of "throwing out" his negative emotions to target others or force them to deal with the consequences of his choices, he processes it. He actually ponders on what he has done wrong. It's a far cry from, let's say, Hidden Inventory where a slip-up in self control sends people spiraling down and down until they start hurting others.

Look, I believe that it made absolute sense that Yuji, Megumi, and Nobara are still going on missions - that a jujutsu society still exists. This is now a natural part of their world. Curses will always exists because humans naturally feel negative emotions all the time and someone has to deal with it. I guess tho that with sorcerers being revealed, they can be better integrated into the ordinary society and perhaps work out a way to minimize or slow down the manifestation of Cursed Spirits? I mean... good therapy should help prevent too much leakage of negative emotions, right?

I guess this is why Yuji was triggered to remember his conversation with Gojo.

PROOF AGAIN THAT GOJO DOES CARE ABOUT HIS STUDENTS!

HE DOESN'T WANT ANYONE TO BE LIKE HIM - STRONG BUT ALONE!

Ooof. Another reason for me to think Gojo is not really arrogant. The guy just have a bad habit of stating facts in the most obnoxious and insulting ways possible. Damn his fucked up social skills.

This parallel is just... so bittersweet. Yuji honoring Gojo by offering others a chance to find a new way of life - a second chance.

It also echoes something Gojo had done in Hidden Inventory. Remember that Paper Bag Sorcerer with a Cloning CT? Gojo also offered him to turn over a new leaf. Unfortunately, he had no success.

However, I think Yuji will have a much better chance and surpass him in this regard. I think Gojo would be proud.

A surprise reappearance of Mahito. A very much welcomed surprise for me.

I find it hilarious how Mahito is trying to play mind games with Sukuna as he did with Yuji. Ha! As if a baby like him could faze an ancient like Sukuna.

Sukuna understands himself very well. He has a strong sense of identity. So, this really felt impactful for me. Yuji really did get to him enough to make him think that maybe he should take another path.

Also, I like how just through these panels, we can understand without question how much Sukuna values Uraume. He is loyal to them as much as they are loyal to him. They care for each other mutually.

Ngl... The Sukugo fan in me is thinking how Gojo also contributed to Sukuna's decision here. Yuji convinced Sukuna to change, but his choice to become maybe a guardian for Uraume in the next life could be inspired by Gojo.

HAHAHAHA! FUCK YOU, MAHITO! WHINE THERE ON YOUR LONESOME, ASSHOLE!

Wait... Is Mahito refusing to reincarnate because of Yuji's threats to him? Like waaaay back in Shibuya, Yuji promised to hunt him down if he revives. He's terrified to come back. So, he stays in limbo. ROFL. What a coward!

A page full of happy smiles in a young generation of sorcerers. None of them will ever be alone again.

Also! Notice how Hakari and Kirara seem to be wearing Jujutsu Tech uniforms? I think that just further reinforces how "The Past" is well and truly gone. From here on out, Gojo's dream jujutsu society is no longer just a dream. It finally has become reality.

Would you believe that this also makes complete sense to me?

It has been established that the fingers are impossible to destroy. So, I'm sure that Yuji and co. just kind of scattered all 20 fingers in various hiding places. It's just not much of a threat now because the Curse Energy in them has been expended during the Shinjuku Showdown and the Final Battle.

It may change in the future tho. Over time, it will accumulate CE again. It could take decades or hundreds of years. But I think that point, it won't be Yuji and co.'s problem anymore.

[carmenized-onions]

HEY LOVELY!!!

Been a while since ive done one of these. Im re-reading AGAIN and forever will be. im obsessed, truly.

Through re-reading this hit SO hard.

“The other shoe still hangs in the air; but not in your bed.”

LIKE WHAT? HELLO? KILL ME? Your writing is phenomenal. i cannot fathom how you do this EVERY CHAPTER.

Anyway, im so exited to read every chapter to come. Am i in love with Tony? maybe a little (a lot). I was also wondering if you have anything planned for after you finish Chicago's finest? Another The Bear book? or maybe something else entirely? Not to rush you or anything, obviously. Im just so incredibly nosy. My deep apologies.

Just to tell you for the millionth time, im in love with you, youre writing, Tony, how you write the characters, EVERYTHING. gives me life.

me when i hear anyone coming even CLOSE to me while im reading Chicago's finest.

me planning a characters slow and painful demise when they upset Tony. (love you Carmy. not really. no, joking i do. maybe not. NO I DO I SWEAR.)

me trying to act casual when i see you've posted.

ALSO

me trying to act casual when Tony and Syd are interacting. (Dont worry, babe! by Chappell Roan? Who said that...?)

ANYWAY (for the second time) very sorry that this is just me rambling about stuff you dont want to hear.

Hope you're having an amazing day/night, lovely!!

I've stuck you in perpetual re-reading hell have I? My deepest apologies. Esp since I've been chronically re-reading in my brief basically hiatus as i write, I USE SO MANY COMMAS GUYS??? WHY WERE YOU LETTING ME GET AWAY WITH THAT??

the revisions once the series is finished is gonna go CRAZY.

Anyways, SUCH A DELIGHT to hear what silly prose of mine sticks out to you!! thank god you think i do it every chapter!! i am constantly doubting each chapter (man why do you think 15 has been so delayed? LMAO)

I adored using the other shoe as a through line throughout the Troubled Angst arc, one because it's very canon, but also because its very much a thing for me, like, when a good thing happens, cannot HELP but wonder how it's going to get fucked in the end.

which, after telling my doctor that, got reccomended the same books i reccomended carmen LMAO. love you son <3

THANK YOU FOR LOVING TONY!!! I love her dearly, I put so much of myself in her and also so much of what I see and love about my darling friends; my sweet darling dashing hero complex burden carrying the guy overconfident yet under confident tony. My sweet babe. the people love you!!

As for when I finish Chicago's Kindest (PUNCH BUGGY ACAB!! FUCK THE FINEST!!), I'll probably certainly absolutely take a break from writing for The Bear for a bit (though I'll definitely be around to answer asks!! duh!!). But once I return, I am hoping to...

If you send in little blurb requests for Chicago's Kindest, I'll do em!! I know esp with like Mikey/Chip there's a lot of bits that have been spoken about but never actually written out and lived. So like. If you got requests, send em in, I might write em.

I promised a SquidInk spinoff and bitch you're getting one!! There's two different ideas I've got twirling around for them at the moment, they might combine into one one off, or two separate things, who's to say!

More and More I cannot see RiChip as anything more than a platonic duo, but like, maybe I'll try to write something about them? I do adore those two. I just cant see em doin a kiss. that's just bad for my brain.

And I have no hard plans atm, but like, I'd like to write something for RIchie in general at some point. What about and what of? Idk. Certainly not a series this long. that's for fucking sure.

I don't think I can ever write for Carmen though again LMAOOO, it's only Tony for me atp. Like I can't pair him with a new reader, I'll fucking freak out. It's Chip or Die, y'know?

And while I have an epilogue planned, once Season 4 comes out, if there's something interesting that I feel like I wanna throw my hat in on, I'll come back for a Chicago's Kindest Season 2, so to speak. But no promises. They will probably give me nothing to work with, with how our stories diverge. who's to say.

anyways! not nosy!! sorry for talking about it for so fucking long!!!

i'm so glad I write the characters well, please note that it's cause I'm always freaking out about it. I am re-writing bits of lines all the time to make sure it suits their voices and decisions ,and even still i have changes i wanna make looking back LMAO

DONT CRASH OUT WHEN READING CHICAGO'S KINDEST LMAOSOD where is everyone typically when reading CK?? I'm usually on the subway editing my google doc lmao

and listen, every time i re-read Just Dropped i'm like damn. why did i not go with the punching route. should've cold clocked his ass. (love you carmy but JESUS CHRIST I WROTE ALL THAT??? WHAT WAS I GOING THROUGH MY WORD???)

THE LAST PHOTO ALSO?? i know that's a classic promo image but what the FUCK IS RICHIE DOING IN THE BACK? WHY ARE YOU SITTING LIKE THAT??? SIT UP BIG MAN WHAT THE HELL WE RUN A BUSINESS GIRL

Always rant and ramble to me!! Love to wake up to spam in my inbox. even if it takes me ten years to answer (sorry to everyone still trapped in my inbox, i love you babies)

all of you are really gonna hoot and holler when you see the squidink playlist, truly, it's so gay and sad. i love those idiots. when do i get to make them kiss. is it now? i hope it's now.

anyways i am SO LATE TO GO TO BED I'VE GOTTA GO BABIES BUT THANK YOU FOR CHATTIN WITH ME SORRY FOR TALKING FOR TOO LONG <3 HOPE I GET YOU YOUR NEXT CHAPTER SOON BABY I'M SORRY FOR THE FORCED HIATUS

[seldaryne]

haven't finished the durge pt yet (idc about spoiling anything though that has 0 impact on me enjoying the game fdgh) but i've been thinking Thoughts.

edit okay as i was writing this i went ahead and just read up on the backstory so i could continue my thoughts in a coherent manner lmfao

(lots of info here, apparently ive gotten Very attached to her in the last uh. three weeks give or take. kinda sorta chronological?? idk it makes sense to me lmao)

--

velrith probably definitely only settled on that name in act 2. prior that she was just called whatever people drifted to if they needed her attention. & she didn't really care, having a void for memories will do that to a bitch, but it can make introductions awkward or give them a weird 'im too good to even give you my identity' energy. not super great when paired with someone who doesn't really emote or put a ton of effort into masking tonal inflections. she pointedly allowed other people to do more of the talking as a result for a while & would get roped into conversations that way.

i'd like to go ahead and tie in astarion's frequent use of pet names here to this too. he's got a goal here, and can't just drop a 'hey you' every time he's angling for something. it's easier to fill in the blanks that way & make sure it doesn't come across as cold and calculated as the seduction actually is for a time. of course, the mental gymnastics weren't necessary here. aside from the fact that she's extremely intense about her oath & therefore is legally obligated to send cazador straight to hell on sight, he'd also have the same luck with a low-effort, straightforward 'do you want to have sex?' the lines are... usually fine, never actually crossing boundaries, but she does find a lot of them to be really goddamn weird & unnecessary when the point could be made in less than 10 words.

picture a distraught-looking sighthound & you have the general idea of the face she makes when he lays it on thick. she's giving her best shot at a socially appropriate expression. it's not working.

also on names, she can't say for sure if that's who she was before or if she just pieced together syllables that sounded like Something from memory. again, doesn't really matter either way, since she's not in any hurry to reclaim her former self. it's fine.

ketheric felt straightforward. a tragic figure who she did extend an olive branch towards, but ultimately felt nothing when it came time to bring her blade down (besides, isobel seemed like she knew what she was talking about when velrith confessed [suddenly coming back into her room just to point-blank tell her about the desire to spill her blood] certain thoughts of violence towards the cleric, and it felt like the sort of assurance she should be trusting, right? more than any of her own emotions, anyway.)

gortash gives her the ick. like, there's no other way to describe that one. he actually probably still would even without all the history (and the fact that he needed to repent for what he'd done to karlach), but the slimy over-familiarity was really the nail in the coffin there. velrith isn't smooth nor particularly socially gifted, but she has a certain air of formal pride she carries herself with. acting like you know her better than she does herself (even if it may very well be the truth!) is so beyond an overstep of what she's able to function with. stripping away everything else, if he even tried to touch her casually on the shoulder, he would have been liable to lose that hand.

orin troubles her. for the obvious reasons, but she also just... pities her. almost. pre-tadpole, velrith was honestly relatively similar compared to her current personality. colder and more able to justify slaughter, sure, but still staunchly refusing to compromise her own feelings for social games. she understood how the game pieces moved when she watched other people, even when she was younger, but if asked to copy the same techniques, she was only ever able to bludgeon straight through in a line. consequently, people don't really care how strange you are if you're just that good at your job. orin made a one-sided rivalry out of someone who otherwise just regarded her as a peer in the same arena, and now sees her as someone who wouldn't have been able to take the chance at redemption even if it had been on the table. she was too far gone, unable to stand on her own or cope with the fact that she would always be lesser than someone who genuinely could not have cared less about standings. maybe if velrith had feigned some interest, there wouldn't have been so much hatred. or maybe there would have.

either way, she sees orin in a depressing light. someone who had nothing and no one but the prospect of power, and who crumbled as soon as that chance at power was taken away. to let her live would have been to co-sign on her projecting those emotions outwards. velrith isn't stupid and knows there's a good chance she might have gone the same way if she hadn't been lucky enough to receive her parasite. in another life, she thinks that maybe she could have found a connection, and they might have saved each other (either genuinely or in a twisted version of the word). this isn't a thought she shares with anyone. she thinks about that death and their interactions for a long time afterwards.

her 'normal' childhood sometimes comes to her in fleeting memories that disappear out of her periphery if she focuses too hard. she thinks she liked her parents, and they seemed like nice people from what she can semi-recall. but she can also tell that there's always just been something wrong with her if she compares herself to other people. many of these snippets feature her looking anywhere but at her parents' faces, unable to express herself verbally in a way they could understand (the words were right, they way she used them was... her own, shall we say?). something flipped at some point, and all of the sudden she would stare too much at them, not blinking or looking away at the right moments. they'd seemed to squirm a bit under this. they always seemed a bit sad when they looked at her, as if they'd loved her but she was never quite as they hoped she would be.

she had to be taught what to do during a hug as an older child instead of leaving her arms limp at her sides. she knows that.

she doesn't remember killing them. she doesn't remember how it would have felt to receive her first order or how she was unable to do anything but listen to the violent urges.

there's more guilt for not feeling much towards them than there is for the killing.

the staring hasn't shifted again. she knows she looks at people too hard and/or too long, looks at them dead in the eyes and studies their faces, but she can't help it. one, it's good to be aware and alert. two, looking away doesn't seem to be the answer either. at least this way they know she's paying attention, right?

she thinks she shouldn't care about these things, that it's so ridiculous coming from her blood-soaked past, laughable that she'd wonder what it meant to have people relax in your presence instead of becoming more visibly anxious. but she wants to be good, she really, really does. she wants to be able to join a group like everyone else, slipping seamlessly into their words and laughing how they laugh instead of her own (the faintest of smiles and a soft rush of air running past her lips, blink-and-you'll-miss-it laughter that may as well not exist outside of her head). she doesn't hate herself for these things, because she doesn't know how else to be, but she does wonder. she wants to know what it's like for these things to be easy. bhaal's favourite hadn't been blessed with charisma, apparently.

consequently, she has a very hard time now figuring out how to actually connect with anyone, or what it should feel like to have friends.

it made her somewhat uncomfortable in the beginning to be asked questions by these people on a regular basis. not even personal questions, just things to signal that she existed to them in some capacity. gale remembers when she'd wrinkled her nose at a certain seasoning, and leaves it off her plate when he makes dinner going forward. lae'zel likes how she fights and asks her questions on technique, asking to spar so she could better understand the answers. shadowheart thinks they're alike with similar holes in their memories, and seeks out her company because of it. she doesn't understand, and for a while she even feels a bit suffocated by it. exposure therapy is really the only remedy here.

initially there are some reasonable assumptions on whether she just dislikes them all that much, or if she thinks she's better than them, or some other nasty reason. it takes approximately two conversations with her for everyone to understand that's not the case. it's like speaking to someone who only every studied social behaviour from an incomplete textbook and was visibly struggling to fill in the gaps in real-time. is she scary? yes, a bit. does she stare at you Way too much when you're speaking to her (at her, really, because you will be carrying that conversation until she's gotten her footing)? also yes. but she's really earnestly trying to sort herself out for the sake of the people around her, brain twisting around itself to learn things that were as easy as breathing to most. and it's sort of sweet, in its own way.

over time, she stops simply caring about these people based on her code of ethics. she starts to remember things about them too, her love language starts to show itself through gift-giving at an absolutely glacial pace, but it's noticeable to literally everyone despite that. a small trinket picked up at the market matching shadowheart's usual taste is pressed into her hand with only a nod before velrith is turning on her heel and almost running away. a tome is thrust at wyll with such startling intensity that the kindness actually comes off as a bit of a threat, but she looks visibly relieved when he takes it with a smile. so on and so forth. every incident like this, every blunt display of 'i notice you. i think you would like this. i thought of you today,' is accompanied by a hasty exit. task accomplished, but now the script has run out, so she's doing the same. she also finds it hard to look at people once the exchange has taken place, and is pretty sure this is an affliction only she suffers from.

she's going to push through it anyway, even if it makes her skin feel like its trying to recoil off her bones.

it also comes out in the protection. again, it's expected as a paladin of devotion, but no one is quite prepared for the molten fury that burns in her eyes or the weight of her voice whenever ghosts from the past arise. not only has she sworn her protection to those suffering from harm (and names like orin, gortash, cazador, viconia & more absolutely qualify as those who cause harm), but it feels personal. acting as shield and guillotine is when velrith is truly in her element, standing tall and embodying the virtues laid out in her tenets.

she is fighting internally just as much as externally, pushing back against base instincts to continue her sworn oath. driving her sword through the flesh of the emperor is just as much about defeating him as it is proving to herself that she is still capable of goodness. if she falls here, she can at least die knowing she was dedicated to rebellion until her very last breath.

this does not mean that she actually registers it when people like her, though. in fact, once she pieces together what her true nature is (she hadn't wanted to kick that poor animal, or make a spectacle of that nice bard's corpse, or try to rip out astarion's throat as he slept--but she had done those things, and more, and what's worse, some of them don't even to her like they would anyone else) she's pretty sure that the unanimous, logical choice would be to put her at a distance.

so she braces, prepares, makes peace with returning to the status quo & starts pulling away before staging her little ted talk. jaheira catches her first, though, and it gets to her. she's not spoken much to the woman, but she's... incredibly understanding, actually. so much so that it leaves velrith with a profound ache in her chest when she rolls over and tries to sleep again (jaheira's insistence, and her promise to stand watch all night in case she lost control again). being around jaheira hurts like hell, but she still seeks her out after that incident. she looks at her kindly but doesn't treat her with any more fragility than before. she's good-humoured when answering question after question about bhaalspawn, and stays honest the whole time too. she seeks her out when she isolates as much as she can on the outside of camp, dropping a sack of potatoes at velrith's feet and sitting beside her so that they can peel them in easy silence.

she likes that the most. sometimes it feels like velrith's head is too full; not from the parasite or the echoes of a murderous god, but from--she's not sure, actually, but it makes thinking hard, and speech tends to take a temporary leave as well. no amount of coaxing makes a difference, it'll return when it decides to. that's the bad sort of silence, the type that other people feel like they should fix so that everyone can be comfortable again. except jaheira, who apparently can figure out what she needs before velrith can even process that question. and sometimes, she just needs to peel some potatoes for a bit.

standing before everyone else, she prepares for the logical choice of rejection again. instead, she's greeted with shrugs, support, sympathy, but overall--not much of a change. that's the part that sends her off, only pausing just long enough to take a breath before excusing herself to the surrounding woods. it hurts so damn much, being loved like this. she wonders if any technicalities in her oath actually require her to slay herself at this point, just based on the implications alone. they should be appalled. fearful. cold. and she'd wound herself up so much inside determining this to already be the only end to her confession. bare your soul, lose what you'd only started to ease into, return to your duty.

the other shoe never does drop, though. it's gone so catastrophically well that she can't even make the tears flow properly (she's only done it once before that she remembers, but that should be adequate). instead, her sobs are muffled gasps against her hands, choking on her own confusion as she sinks to the ground, shaking.

of course, this comes out after the "incident", in the underdark, which means astarion has already seen her cry precisely once of something that seemed to her a similar scale. he's got a better handle on it, he'd like to believe, and he can sense that he's being silently volunteered for the 'fetch our bhaalspawn' quest. she's not hard to find either, an ice-white tiefling amongst the greenery with her head hidden in her arms, folded in on herself like she's not worth the weight of her own bones. it's sad, and a little annoying, actually, because if she was to insist that he possessed worth like it was the most obvious fact in the world, like he was strange for not feeling the same way, why shouldn't that same sentiment extend in her direction.

of course, there's little he can say to soothe in a way that matters, he's not going to make that mistake again, but he's at least able to bring her up for air. yes my love, perhaps it is foolish and unwise for any of us to stay around something so dangerous, but that argument can be made in many directions, not just yours. you would be the first among us to dismiss those very notions if they were coming from someone else, and have done so--multiple times, may i add--as bhaalspawn. if there's upset about the reveal, i'm confident that it's more to do with how you feel than anything else.

and really, what's she supposed to do with that aside from break even more (from relief, maybe? tension and fear of rejection that she hadn't known how to recognize, hadn't known she was holding onto? the understanding that this is not just from him, but on behalf of everyone else too?) and crumble into him.

against all odds, she is worthy of loving. despite her bloodline and her personal shortcomings, she is worthy of that much.

nothing in half-measures, as most paladins tend to be. does she remember when or why or even how she took the oath? not even a bit. but it's the only thing in her head when she wakes up on the mind flayer ship, the sole thing she's sure of, the only guiding direction she has. it should be enough to understand right and wrong, but it isn't for her. following the oath is a choice, something she can steady herself on when nothing else makes sense. devotion to her cause of protection, restoring some of the balance in the world that she lost before orin killed her. maybe that was why she lived; something needed her to right some of her sins before death arrived. or maybe a divine power was looking for someone who wouldn't be missed if they were lost in stopping the ithilids.

whatever it is, she does everything in her power to stick to it. until, of course, life happens (as it tends to) and she does something in the underdark. what did she do? she doesn't know, because she thought she was helping--that myconid was going to betray the colony that took him in when he lost all others. she raised her sword when it was clear a scolding wouldn't change his mind. and then... the sinking feeling that something was wrong.

something was missing. the only part of her that felt like it was anything was gone, and for the first time (maybe ever?) she gets emotional. there's no anchor anymore, no calming guide of tenets to follow.

the oathbreaker knight will find her later, she knows. at camp, she's distraught, and the little bit she dared interact goes out the window entirely. there's nothing anyone could actually say that would help, anyway. this does not stop astarion from trying.

glib as ever, were she in a more normal headspace she would have seen the dismissive comment for the hand-waving attempt at comfort it was. he probably knows there's nothing he can actually say to bring her down, but surely a joke (meant to reassure that she would be fine regardless, whether the oath stayed broken or was re-taken, she was competent on the field and he at least trusted her that much) would be alright?

it was not.

for all that he carried, he could not--did not--understand. of course he could be cavalier about it; despite all that was taken from him, he still had his own gods-damned name. he knew who he was, wasn't scrambling to put together fragments of his own ghost just to make some unimpressive small talk like she was. she has not yet chosen her name at this point, and that oath is where she begins & ends as a person.

he's silent when she snaps, unexpected. like a cornered animal about to tear its own leg out of a trap, daring anyone to come closer to 'help' so that they too can be maimed. a total loss for words, even when she stalks off to keep herself from acting out even further (who knows how prone she would be to violence now? not her!), raising her voice for the first time at him in pure grief.

he doesn't really get it, but he understand more in the middle of all that. the pieces click together in his mind, working themselves out during the berating. the gods never answered his cries, and so his outlook remained fairly bleak on the whole pantheon. paladins occupied a space at the opposite end of the spectrum, and he'd assumed that her more uptight habits were an offshoot from that (it's not like she gave him a ton to work with, either. he did his best from what he was allowed to see). for her, there may as well have been no gods involved in any capacity. it was simply the thing that kept her from fracturing entirely, now gone thanks to a misunderstood line in the agreement.

she still refuses to speak to him, even after she's begged for the oath back--she'll be good this time, really, she'll be good, she promises, it won't happen again, please--and received it successfully. she's not talking much to anyone, feeling both too exhausted and over-sensitive to even contemplate that. his apology isn't... good, exactly. but it's honest and that's really all she gives a shit about. things are still weird and cold for a bit, manifesting in a physical distance & reinforcing just how off his initial read on her was. but it's her first real brush with interpersonal conflict, so learning curves are expected. time and circumstance eventually help things settle, with there being bigger things to worry about.

she's quiet during sex. responsive and hyper-aware of her body, definitely, but still restrained. she enjoys the act, however, despite the lack of volume, and this shows through a readiness to explore and feel things. the ability to feel physical pleasure is something that at least seems to be something she has in common with most people. but she's overly permissive too, sometimes uncomfortably so; she's simply not attached enough to her body to have real concerns or strong preferences. at first glance, this seems to be deference, the need to be agreeable in every situation lest she tip the scales too much in her own direction.

he puts his finger on that after the third encounter, and finds himself taking a break from her for a while after as a result (once again, an act that she's absolutely fine with--god, has the thought of challenging him ever even crossed her mind in this department?). Further observation, however, reveals something else. her actions are exploratory. experimental. there's no frame of reference, she needs to establish preferences all over again for this version of herself. in fact, he sees that this extends to other tasks people ask of her as well. every action or accompaniment is met with the same reserved curiosity, considering what's being asked of her before ultimately deciding to try something new. perhaps that was why he felt like he was being intensely studied if he squints.

there's no doubt that she does see him. but she only sees enough to know that she lacks the connections to actually do anything with that. an unbalanced, vexing sort of safety net. (still, there was probably no one better for him to glue himself to than a paladin, and he tells himself that's why he spends so long trying to figure her out. because surely, her motivations can't be as obviously honest as they come across--can they?)

it's only after she tells him on the name she's privately decided to give herself (private for now, since everyone else will be informed in the morning) that he starts to realize just how much he enjoys kissing her. she's not nearly as practiced as he is, but gods, there's such a single-mindedness to the kisses it actually leaves him dizzy. her focus is so all-encompassing, the world around them may as well have been unravelling at its seams and she still wouldn't break contact. chasing pleasure but holding back just enough to keep her head above the water, prolonging the act as much as she can. he's been kissed before. many times, actually, but not like this.

there is... so much disappointment when rejecting bhaal doesn't actually change anything fundamental in her. on one hand, that really does mean that it's been her personality the entire time. that the good choices she made were hers, and they were worth fighting for.

on the other hand, fostering even that small seed of hope that she might become less of herself and more like other people had been a dangerous game. the distance remains, along with the lack of understanding and knowledge that some things would always be more hard-won for her, while others would simply be entirely beyond her reach. knowing this logically is one thing. accepting it is... entirely different. it will take time, and she will at least allow herself as much so as to properly grieve a version of herself whose body knew how to laugh freely.

she'll be okay.

[acaciapines]

Your nanowrimo pieces are soooo goooood they hit so hard fr fr. I’m especially LOVING today’s one with the owl & the collector even tho I don’t rlly know that much abt toh bc I haven’t watched it but I can tell that u LOVE IT & I can’t wait to learn more thru osmosis once the fic is poooosteeeed✨ (i WILL read it i PROMISE i SWEAR)

Anyways give us the thoughts, the tea, tell us how you make the words do that✨ anything u wanna give in regards to today’s bit!! We’re not picky!

Hope y’all are doing okay! Gal says hi :) Remember to eat and drink something, take breaks, and look after yourselves and each other! We love you! This has been a Daily Interaction Ask <3

he he :3 im glad youre enjoying!! its been really fun to pick out my favorite bits even when usually those are the ones w/out context lol. look at my owl and weep boy. firefly <3

YOU WILL LEARN SO MUCH VIA OSMOSIS....literally now that im also doing something for s1 its like. why watch owl house we have owl house at home (the owl house at home is a 1 million word daemon au) (<- 1 mil is not a joke btw idk if it'll hit it but itll at least come very close. no idk why i did this.)

as for today! hmmm...

its truly so fun to write the collector. like im not joking about him being my favorite owl house character despite his maybe twenty total minutes of screentime, so its been such a JOY to expand his role in this series!!

bc like. god. actually i think i wrote a whole like. bit of flash fiction/prose poetry type thing for them a while ago. probably in my files somewhere. but just. youre an immortal eight year old. you are in these years where you need to interact with other people for your own mental stability and health. to figure out the whole Being A Person thing. and you are trapped for like, centuries. trapped away from everyone and everything and DUST, which, in universe, in literally connection personified. you're cut off from all of this.

and you are, let me say again, eight years old.

truly the collector is just. hes had everyone he ever cares about leave him--his siblings the other archivists left him behind not out of any sense of cruelty, really, but because caring about people just isnt really a thing they do. quite frankly they live so long they didnt even notice. theyre far-away stars. not far because they're mean. just because thats what stars do.

and then king's dad (who um. doesnt have a name <3 this is why the collector calls him 'the big bully' its literally bc i never gave him a name--) was an adult the collector actually trusted and looked up to (he meshed REALLY WELL into titan society until the archivists started Doing A Murder since titans are the only beings that match them in power and they have very very different ideas about dust). like ive said before the collector is owlbeastkin but before that they never had a super stable sense of identity--in another world where they stayed w/ the titans they wouldve ended up a titan.

and then king's dad just. trapped him in a tablet forever.

and like, to be fair to king's dad he was reacting out of fear and the best knowledge he had (he assumed the collector led the archivists to the titans, and like, he did, but its not like he knew he was doing that, and, you know, poor guy had seen a huge chuck of his fellow titans killed including babies and eggs of which he had an egg to consider), but it still TRAPPED THEM. and then he died and so did all the rest of the titans so nobody could free the collector even if they wanted to.

and then BELOS, who manipulated and lied to the collector for so long and was also literally his only friend after being alone forever, so like, of course the collector just blindly went along with whatever he said. he was gonna free them!! he listened to them when they talked about stardust which nobody else ever did! he had no idea what the fuck a witch was! he just liked being able to see the stardust sometimes, and belos brought him to places with a lot of stardust. to destroy it, but like--you know. it was THERE.

but all these people were just USING them, and they never really understand that until king comes around. and king's also a scared eight year old!! but like. king's also not wrong. the collector did aid belos in destroying the entire isles. like no joke belos SUCCEEDS here. like not long-term obvi this has a happy ending but at the point we're in at for the future? it doesnt matter that the draining spell failed. all the palistrom trees are dead. witch society Cannot come back from that even if they did end up beating the collector. theyre doomed.

anyways what was i saying. collector. right.

so like, then they meet firefly/grr-click-growl/wings-across-night/the owl beast (king of having so many names i love her <3) and shes like, the first person who cares for them and ISNT using them. even king is using them!! but firefly has seen Some Shit. she sees the collector as a hatchling who was kicked out of his nest and is doing her best to be some sort of stable figure for him, but she doesnt Not see the stuff he's done.

the collector took over the world bc he's scared--all he's ever known is being used and trapped so he doesnt exactly trust most people easily. firefly would Love to not be in this world anymore. shes also got a loyalty to eda and king and luzmari. and, like, cool motive, still trapping an entire society of people.

but like. shes the one who is here right now and nobody else is trying to help this kid.

but the collector just. hes just an eight year old. a very, very old eight year old. but he doesnt understand things like "you can make the wrong choices and still choose to do better later" and "im mad at what you did but that doesnt mean i dont care about you."

he just sees someone upset with him. just sees another person who used him and doesnt care and is going to leave bc everyone leaves him and in a world where EVERY SINGLE PERSON comes in pairs, hes the only one who stands alone.

basically tl;dr: collector my beloved <3

[frogwen]

idk how to word this without sounding weird or judgmental, bc its not!!! but its always so interesting to see someone with the opposite insecurities like a flipped version of you? like i personally am really obsessive about my facial hair bc its a big insecurity of mine, ive never liked people looking at me if i havent tweezed my unibrow or shaved my mustache or plucked the stupid black hairs that grow on top of my nose. (i also unfortunately keep pit hair trimmed bc i have a sweat condition and hair makes me stinkier, rip) but i dont give a shit about my dark hairy legs, i dont do anything about being hairy everywhere else, it just is what it is and i still wear shorts out and about. anyways i follow a transmasc dyke (NOT a mutual and this isnt a vague attack) who is also very hairy and he has obvious facial hair and pits and dark arm hair etc etc but he still shaves his legs and lamented he wants to stop but doesn’t want to ride public transport in shorts and hairy legs. it was just such a peculiar feeling reading that!!! why is he dying on the hill of publicly hairy legs and why am i dying on the hill of publicly hair face. sigh. i wonder if ill ever reach a point of true body neutrality or if thats even attainable. anyways. just random thoughts lol. 2 different experiences

[nnugatoryextravagance]

wait are you pro para? I was scared of reblogging pro para stuff because I thought you were gonna block me in particular 😭 Idk if Ive ever seen you rb pro para stuff so I just assumed

Ok this got longer than I meant it to so uhhh read more tab blast GO

My stance will forever be as long as you aren't commiting federal crimes, enabling someone committing those crimes, or directly hurting anybody (human or animal) I generally cannot be assed what you get up to on your free time unless you get me unwillingly involved

(I hope to god its obvious what I mean by "committing federal crimes" in this context here by the way, indulgences of the underaged variety to be clear, the number one thing I will never tolerate under any circumstances and I refuse to waver on this)

I don't try to actively indulge in "pro para" content however or want to call myself that in those terms or whatever because 1. I admit I'm still relatively unfamiliar with the term and have extreme trust issues and I've been online long enough to know exactly how not so great people can potentially use that term in horrible ways and I'm not looking to risk putting myself in danger again (while I'm still in the middle of recovery no less) (I'm cripplingly paranoid) 2. I still refuse to get myself involved in potential discourse if I can help it (I'm cripplingly paranoid) and 3. especially because im honest to god so fucking tired of delegating my opinions to this-and-that buzzwords that can mean anything depending on whos looking at me because- not trying to make you or anyone else feel bad, genuinely, because I know why ya do it -but assumptions about me are the bane of my existence and have done nothing but start shit for me and I am exhausted, I much prefer being asked directly my opinions on things instead, I'm not the type to intentionally hide these things (unless its for my safety obviously)

Anyway I feel like I aged 25 years making this post I'm going to go take my pain meds and go to bed, apologies for the fuckin essay length post I have a lot of thoughts about things and stuff

if anyone wants me to clarify anything or vice versa when I'm more awake and in better charge of my mental faculties feel free to go to my inbox I guess, but for now I need sleep its midnight as im posting this lmao.

[nathaaaan]

*queue depressing music playlist*

hey

ever feel scummy? feel like people who are your "friends" don't like you? hate you? and even if they explicitly tell you that you're cool and what not, you think they're lying? same

that feeling never goes away, but i ran into one of my friends at the store today, and i met their dad, and he told me that they talked about me a lot. the way he said it lead me to believe it was positive and deep deep deep deep deep deep deep DEEP down, i thought he was lying. but he sounded so... genuine. he even offered to drive me home, he insisted actually.

it felt nice?

i don't know, emotions are weird.

personally, i think my irrational thinking of how people view me stems from what my mom says about me. she says im rude or mean, and sarcastic, im not fun, blah blah. ive apologized for being mean, because ive asked several of my friends if i was, and most said "kinda" or "it depends"

most of my friends seem... happy to see me? and i still dont understand why. i honestly talk and joke about death or dying (which just happens to be a sign of depression, thank you for teaching me that, school), and sometimes my friends ask, "are you okay?" lying to them feels weird, so i say no with a smile on my face. :)

i dont have therapy, or anybody to talk to about this stuff, cause really, i dont want to and there are bigger problems in the world. if i talked to a parent about therapy, they'd ask why i wanted it, and the last thing i wanna do is talk to them about it.

i dont even know what to do with myself. i cant do anything like work because im too young. the things i like to do aren't fun anymore (which also just happens to be a sign of depression, again, thank you school.) i dont want to do anything actually, besides lay down and die, but dying is the hard part >:/

im ranting, i know im ranting, because i forgot about the point i was trying to make, but idk what else to do. i don't expect this to get any attention, cause like, who cares?

the point i was initially going to make was "people love you" or something, but i clearly abandoned that.

if you dont mind me, im going to lay here and spiral. :3

anyway, if you actually bothered to read this, thanks i guess. hope you have a good day/night. <3

[pinkspiraling]

venting about childhood trauma and how i’m still living in it

i wish i could go around and ask people what it was like to get in trouble in their house bc idk if my experience was wack or not bc when i start to explain it i’m like hmmm…that seems normal. but then maybe not? like they’d take our phones and look through them once they knew we had done something Bad, which means they usually found something else on the phone to be mad about. and then they wouldn’t yell but they’d be angry and disappointed yk and they always acted like they just couldn’t comprehend why we couldn’t just do the right thing! like why did we mess up and do something not good! why! it always felt like an over reaction i guess, they’d have lots of punishments which were always no phone, no electronics or tv, no friends, have to see a christian counselor, have to go to bible study more often/consistently, have to read my bible. etc. when i got caught for drinking i had 11 punishments and they only carried out like half of them. idk i feel silly cause it’s like yeah i got grounded…i messed up and got grounded and my parents were disappointed in me just like every other teenager to ever exist. so why tf was it so traumatizing like holy fuck it was traumatizing it was soooo anxiety inducing all the time to think you might get in trouble any second and you couldn’t control the reaction you’d get and you couldn’t control the punishments, you couldn’t control how they felt about it. like sure if you just lay out what happened it’s maybe not that bad, but i felt so much true fear towards them all the time and i just wonder if that’s not the normal way to feel about your parents. when i would get in trouble i always felt horrible and wanted forgiveness immediately bc i was scared they would stop loving me (like they did with my sister!) and i’m just fucking mad honestly that now i’m like this! like i constantly feel on edge like someone is going to get me in trouble and it’s going to be bad! i feel like someone is waiting to hate me or be disappointed in me and any minute i’m gonna have punishments and angry people who are More Worthy than me who don’t understand why i couldn’t just be good! i don’t wanna deal with this i don’t want to feel like every person is my mom and i’m 7. it’s stupid cause it’s not even actually about feeling 7. i just never stopped feeling that way, its like i know that’s where it started and then it just couldn’t stop. i never learned that getting in trouble or messing up wasn’t a bad thing that people would hate you for. there was no room for error and now i’ve continued that expectation for myself which is crazy! like i am literally just a person i am not a hero, there is no god that wants me to make him happy. i am just a person who is living and it is hard and sometimes idk what i’m doing. i can’t keep being this hard on myself i just won’t be able to survive this way. i am so cruel and so unfair to myself and i give myself so many punishments and ive just been feeling like yeah but at least it’s me! at least it’s mine and i get to say when im in trouble and for what. at least there is control but idk i don’t want it i want to fuck up on accident and forgive myself. i want to fuck up on purpose and forgive myself bc i’m sure i had reasons and now i’ve learned it. life is just learning shit, wtf am i doing trying to be Good. worst part is, my mom would still freak out and overreact if she found out…anything from my actual life lmao. i hate that i still live in that fear! although now it is small and in my hands i can simply squash it because it comes from nothing true. it comes from people who should’ve done better for my younger self and i’m ready to kill it. anyways the original question is basically when other people got grounded did it feel like god ripped you out of the universe and wailed in his disappointment and then threw you back into your house with all the rage still there or no?