#anyway it sucks that i did that bc now i have to choose between waking up before noon or getting 8 hours of sleel

[helloidkwhatimdoing-0]

Okay I've been awake for like 21 hours or smth stupid so I'm going to bed actually goodnight

[redr0sewrites]

Arcane request time!

I'd love to request an Arcane woman x sub! male reader smut one shot. As I'm unsure of their sexualities I'll let you choose your favorite if that's okay with you.

🥀A/n: WOO!!! why did i lowkey base this off of monster by lady gaga.... 😭 anyways i love this req sm. i decided to do Ambessa for this request bc she's so fine and i havent written anything for her (please survive the season pookie) ♥️

🥀Cw: smut, sub!male!reader, dirty talk, kinda fluffy tbh, sleepy sex, overal filth

🥀Character(s): Ambessa x male!reader

🥀minors dni

waking up next to Ambessa is a rare experience. more often than not, she's busy with work or diplomacy, so you cherish the mornings you get to spend wrapped in her arms.

today was one of those instances, and you awoke to your lover just a few inches away from you, her curls sprawled across the satin pillowcase and a muscular arm tucked over your body. the usual furrow between her brow was relaxed, and the tense creases of her face were smoothed by blissful slumber. she looked like a goddess, and the warm sun peaking in through the window only amplified her beauty.

suddenly, Ambessa shifts, the mattress rippling beneath her as she groans. she never does stay asleep for long, it's practically in her nature to be an early riser. she stretches, pulling you in closer and tucking her head atop yours. you find yourself nuzzled against her bare collarbone, suddenly aware of the fact that your lover slept completely nude. she continues to stir, still groggy from sleep.

"i could feel you staring..." she rasps, pulling away to look you in the eyes. there is a rare, genuine smirk on her face, and her surprisingly light mood is infectious. you only giggle at her remark, and she rolls herself on top of you, pinning you down against the sheets.

"whatever happened to good morning? have i fallen in love with a delinquent?" Ambessa mocks you, but theres a playful hint in her rough voice that only draws you in.

"maybe you did..." you murmur, and Ambessa leans down to whisper in your ear. your acutely aware of her muscular body on top of yours, and the way her firm, weathered hands find purchase on your body. "it seems theres a monster in my bed," she purrs, one hand cups your face and supports her weight with her elbow while the other rubs teasing circles onto your hip. "does this monster need to be taught a lesson in manners?"

"i'd say my manners are just fine, thank you," you tease, and Ambessa hums thoughtfully. "i suppose another lesson wouldn't hurt now, would it?" she whispers, before pinning your hands above your head in one swift movement.

you open your mouth to protest, but your met with her tongue sliding between your lips as she enraptures you in a filthy french kiss. blood rushes to your cock as she spreads your legs with targeted accuracy, sliding a firm thigh between them. the only barrier between your skin and hers is the boxers you fell asleep in, and a small stain is beginning to form from the precum coating your tip.

you gasp against her mouth, her powerful form cages you in as your back arches. the slightest friction is applied to the tip of your leaking dick as it rubs against her thigh, and you whine sinfully. Ambessa pulls away to admire you, leaving a thin trail of spit connecting your lips in her wake.

"oh, darling, you look good enough to eat," Ambessa croons, sucking a dark mark into the skin just above your collarbone. she wastes no time in tearing your boxers off, leaving you completely bare beneath her. your cock springs up against your abdomen, already hard. calloused hands travel across your body, one gripping firmly onto your thigh and the other rolling your nipple between two fingers. you moan at the stimulation, but Ambessa shushes you as she crawls down between your legs.

your heart pounds against your ribcage as Ambessa blows hot air against your leaking cock, watching as you twitch with arousal. a firm hand applies pressure to your navel, keeping your hips pinned to the bed as she takes your tip in her mouth.

"o-oh!" you moan, throwing your head back against the pillows. Ambessa smirks, swirling her tongue against your sensitive cock head while bringing one hand to massage your balls. the stimulation is intoxicating, and the only thing keeping you from bucking into her throat is the large hand keeping your hips pinned against the mattress. the coil in your abdomen begins to tighten as she continues her ministrations, massaging the base of your cock and balls with her free hand.

"please.." you whine, thighs clenching around her head as your cock twitches in her mouth. Ambessa hums, sending vibrations traveling up your spine as you begin to descend into ecstasy. however, just as you begin to reach the peak of your pleasure, she pulls away, leaving your cock twitching against your abdomen.

"why'd you stop?" you whine, pushing your hips out towards her, hoping to entice Ambessa into taking you into her mouth again. she only gives you a throaty laugh, before crawling up to straddle you.

"did you seriously think i'd let you cum that easily?"

this is kinda short but whatevsss its done‼️ sorru the ending is so ass buuut i just didn't know how to end it 😭 anyways, hope yall enjoyed, pls feel free to request more! im soooo happy classes and finals r over and i get to have more free time to write and draw ♥️♥️♥️

[slashersins]

since it’s michael’s birthday today, how bout some birthday sex 😏

ya know what . okay . you’ll get your wish , but you’ll pay the price for it . michael is 63 today , so 63 year old michael is the michael who’s about to get his bones jumped . ( also i don’t like the fact that old man myers is balding bc he looks like loomis and that is not fun , so he’s just gonna have short messy grey hair , okay ? okay . he can keep the little scruffy beard though . ) now let’s get down and filthy with an old man . ( that sounded gross ,  but i am keeping it . )

since it’s michael’s birthday today, how bout some birthday sex 😏

the smell of cake is what woke him . the sound of light clatter filling silence of the house . the clock by the bed read four am . it was early . especially for you . he could just go back to sleep , wait until the sun peaked through the windows for him to fully wake , but the sweet scent of chocolate and sugar only grew the longer he stayed motionless staring at the door . even in his old age , michael could not resist the scent of baked goods . his sweet tooth screaming at him the same way his blood lust did . 

he didn’t bother with his mask . right now it wasn’t important . what was happening in the oven was . it didn’t take him long to make it to the kitchen , watching with mild interest , wanting to know what you’d made . wanting to know why . you’d tell him , you wouldn’t have a choice . but for now , the man stood there . silent and observant as you bustled around the kitchen , making a mess of flour and eggs and sugar . he could compare your messiness in the kitchen to his own when he had a more than excitable kill . 

it seemed you’d noticed the warpath left behind , the confectionery destruction . and you started to clean up . michael stayed still , like a statue . hidden in plain sight , unseen by you and yet so close . after the few years you’d spent together , your awareness of your surroundings didn’t seem to improve . was both an annoyance and amusement for the man . but right now was one of the times he was annoyed . especially when you took the mixing bowl and spoon , coated in thick batter , and carried it to the sink . 

not a moment later michael was behind you , one hand wrapped deadly tight around the wrist holding the bowl , the other plucking the spoon up an out of it to bring it to his lips . all done while pressed against you , leaning over you , trapping you between him and the sink . his intention was to devour the sweet prebaked batter . 

he ignored your squeak of shock at his appearance , too busy with the task at hand . but he did hear your laughter . the way you shook your head and called him a greedy old man . he didn’t care at the moment . the only thing that mattered was this cake batter finding a new home in his stomach . he only paused in his mission when he felt your lips against the stubble on his jaw . 

“ happy birthday , michael . ” ah . so that is what it was . he’d stopped keeping track years and years ago . it never really mattered much to him anyway . but part of his old , cold heart seemed to warm from your little offering of sweets made just for him . 

“ i’ll make all your favorites today . you’re my grumpy old boogeyman , and you deserve it . ” michael wanted to roll his eyes , but it’d be too much effort . so he settled for dropping the now lick cleaned spoon into the sink , taking the bowl from your hand and starting to scrap up what he could with thick fingers . his full focus seemed to be on ‘ cleaning ’ the bowl as he stood a bit away now , cradling it to his chest for better access . 

you flushed as you watched him . ever serious in concentration . devouring and sucking and licking on his fingers . you had to look away , to embarrassed by your own thoughts to do anything more than the dishes . michael seemed to notice . his gaze tearing a hole straight into your core . he knew . eating like this , all fingers and mouth and tongue , it did something too you . something just as delicious as a well baked cake . and he loved letting you hang there and suffer in silence . with a pop of his finger out of his mouth and a near , finger scrubbed , clean bowl , michael dropped the bowl into the sink , waitng for you to glance up and catch his eye . 

what you saw there was unmistakable . a hunger . a deep gnawing hunger . not for blood . not for the sweet treat currently baking in the over . it was something more dangerous . it was a hunger directed at you . a hunger michael came to know as lust . something that gave him the same sensation that gliding knife into the chest of some screaming victim gave him . so similar and yet so different . both ending with such satisfaction . and seeing how you had reacted to just the simplest of actions of him being close , he knew you felt it too . 

you nearly buckle under his stare . the intensity of it . you’re not sure what michael wants . if he’ll leave you hanging like this , or go through with some needy desire . it’s always a mystery with michael . and god if that mystery doesn’t keep you wrapped up in suspense . it’s hard to maintain eye contact , each time you look back at the older man he seems to be staring harder . you can’t take it , and bite your lip , looking anywhere but his eyes . 

“ you - you have some uh , some batter on your cheek . here , i’ll - ” it’s a bold move , but it also helps you understand what michael’s attentions are . if he lets you touch him , then he might be in the mood to do more . if he grabs you or pulls away , you might have crossed a line and that never ends well . surprisingly , michael only tilts his head downward so you can better reach . eyes boring holes into your soul as you gently wipe the brownie mix away with your thumb . 

you make another surprised yelp when his strong fingers grip your wrist , refusing to let go and unmovable . you open your mouth to apologize only for it to die on your lips when the older man pops your thumb into his mouth and licks the mix off .

he doesn’t release your hand , instead choosing to keep it in place between the two of you as he walks you back towards the sink . there is still plenty of thick , sticky brownie mix in the bowl , and michael has just discovered it tastes better when it’s mixed the salt of your skin . 

you have little choice , not that you were ever good at resisting michael , as he takes a knife and cuts through your shirt , ruining the fabric before stabbing the knife harshly into the cabinet by your head . his free fingers move to scoop the sweet mix from the bowl , painting your neck and collarbones with it . you want to squirm and snap and tell him to stop . it’s sticky and gross and now you need a shower , but then his mouth is on you . the roughness of his beard tickling your skin . 

the mouths at you . licking and spreading the mess around before sucking harshly , hard enough to leave marks as his teeth dig into you , making sure to clean you . you can’t stop the moan that leaves you , the way your legs start to shake and thighs rub together . your free hand fists into his shirt , holding onto him as you pant at the roughness of it all . 

“ mi - michael ! s - stop , we - we - i know it’s your birthday but maybe - ” there’s no arguing with him as michael forces a knee between his thighs . he may be older , but he wants , and it’s obvious how much he wants when he rocks his hips so hard into you that you make a pained noise when the counter cuts into your hip at the force of it . the feeling of him , hard and hot through his thin pajama bottoms making you whine . “ okay . okay . i’ll - yes . michael , just - ”

there’s no waiting when he swiftly turns you around , the fact he is still so strong after so many years making your head spin in a delightful way . the knife is pulled from the cabinet , leaving a splintered gash in the wood .  you feel the cold metal of the blade against your thigh . slowly and practiced as he pushes it under your shorts and then tugs , cutting through fabric and leaving you bare before him . the knife if returned to it’s previous place , michael pressing in to rub his thigh against your bare sex . 

you can’t help but moan , leaning forward as you wrap your arms around michael’s neck , fingers buried in his short grey hair . you haven’t gotten permission to move , but your hips rock on their own . and it seems that michael is fine with it , staying still and forcing you to do all the work , making you work yourself up into a needy mewling mess on his thigh .

but michael is needy , and starved , and enough is enough . he wants you . and you were right . it is his birthday . so why not take what he wants . you already said he deserves it , didn’t you ? 

fingers still wet with saliva and sticky , michael pressed against your entrance . you panted and squirmed in his hold , you wanted him to press inside , to stretch you open before ramming himself inside of you , but he wouldn’t move . he only gave you a blank look . he wanted you to fuck yourself on those his fingers . he wanted you to show him just how eager you were to please him . and god , if that didn’t make you moan as you rocked your hips , trying to sink down and take what you could .

it’s hard to keep rocking , and michael keeps so still , only his even breathing keeping you company as he watched you come undone . it’s your plea , michael’s name falling from your lips so sweetly , so needy , that has the older man pulling away only to get out his length and line his tip up . he doesn’t wait , as soon as he brushes against you he’s shoving in . fast and harsh , only to stop and savor the way your walls spasm at the sudden intrusion . at how your eyes scrunch up and your mouth opens into a silent scream . 

he stays still inside of you , and you think this might have been the nicest michael has ever been as you adjust to him . but that thought flies out the window when he pulls nearly all the way out only to swiftly thrust back in . there’s no holding back . it’s his birthday after all . and he wants to ruin you . he wants to thank you for the treat currently baking in the oven , this is the only way he can truly show you . 

his hands grip your hips harshly , nails digging into the soft flesh there . his mouth goes back to attacking your neck and shoulder , leaving near bloody marks in their wake . he’s panting , gritting his teeth to keep back the growls that threaten to spill out . the way you squeeze around him , the sobbed out moans that leave your lips and fill the air , the way you cling and whimper michael’s name like he was some deity you were praying to - all of it had him fucking you harder , faster .

you don’t last long . the stretch of michael and his break neck pace has you pushed over the edge faster than you’d hoped , but that predatory gaze in his eyes was just too much when mixed with his animalistic rutting . you can only cling to him , vision foggy and eyes watering as he keeps using you like a glorified cock sleeve . and finally , after michael has pushed you into a second overstimulated orgasm , he cums . 

he hovers over you , his chest heaving shoulder’s tense as he looks down at you . soon his hands leave your hips and he backs away , only to look at the oven and then back at you . you’re not sure what he is trying to tell you , too busy trying to stand up on legs made of jelly and a sweet soreness between your thighs . but then the timer goes off . 

you want to laugh , but doing so might upset michael , or worse might make you fall on the floor and laugh more , and you don’t want to burn your boogeyman’s cake . somehow you wobble over , taking the cake out and setting it on the table . you know michael doesn’t give a shit about frosting , and he doesn’t have the patience to let the treat cool . but you do have time to stick the birthday candles on .

you steal a kiss , going to sit in a chair when michael pulls you into your lap as you pass by . you smile at him , leaning in a kissing his bearded cheek when he takes his first bite . “ happy 63rd birthday , mr boogeyman . ”

[whenisitenoughtrees]

still taking prompts? got rlly excited for a bit when u said u were bc i enjoy ur style a lot. anyway, lamp/calm for prompt #29? the prompt sounds like smth chaotic they would do lol

this is less chaotic and more tooth-rottingly fluffy, but uh here you go

for #29. Be quiet! You’ll get us caught!

Title: overthinking (darling we’re just fine)

Word Count: 1,963

Content Warnings: gratuitous discussion of breakfast foods

(fic masterpost w/ ao3 links)

“Be quiet! You’ll get us caught!”

He hisses the words out entirely too loudly in the silence of the corridor, and Virgil winces as the sound dies down. In his defense, it is six in the morning, and he is hardly thinking straight. Or rather, coherently. And Roman knows it, too, is smirking at him with that stupid handsome smirk of his, and Virgil would seriously consider kissing him if it weren’t for the fact that he is running on roughly three hours of sleep, and his irritation is spiking.

“Now, storm cloud,” he says, voice just below a normal speaking volume, “we all know that Patton’s going to be dead to the world until at least seven thirty. You don’t need to worry so much.”

And, alright, maybe that’s true. But Virgil glares at him, too tired to deal with the slightly patronizing tone of voice. “Yeah?” he challenges. “I’m sorry, have you met me?”

Roman lifts an eyebrow. “Darling, I think I’ve done a bit more than meet you, at this point—”

“If you two are done making unnecessary noise?” It’s Logan, coming back around the corner, and he does not look impressed. Though, that may be because it’s six in the morning, and Logan never looks impressed about anything until his second cup of coffee. “By my estimates, we have one hour and seventeen minutes before we enter the window of time in which Patton is most likely to wake up. That should be enough time to complete all of our tasks, if we begin now and don’t commit any egregious errors.”

Virgil exchanges a look with Roman.

“Right, lead the way, Lo,” Roman says, and Virgil trails after the two of them, his brain fixing itself on the phrase egregious errors, because of course it does, because it’s him, because he can’t make it through one morning without his mind insisting that something is going to go terribly wrong and also that the world is ending.

He breathes in and out, slowly and deliberately. It’s just breakfast. They’re just making breakfast for Patton, because Patton has been sad and distant lately and nobody is quite sure how to help him, but doing something like this for him might cheer him up a bit.

So many things could go wrong, of course. They could burn the food. They could burn themselves. They could make such a mess that the prospect of cleaning it all up will put more stress on Patton than cooking the meal for him will alleviate, and then he’ll be even more sad and distant, and also, the world will end.

He’s trying not to think about any of that. Trying and failing. This sucks.

“Do you both remember your parts?” Logan asks. He’s tying an apron around his middle, black and utilitarian, but it suits him, somehow. Roman answers in the affirmative, already rattling around in the cupboards for the pans he needs, and Virgil gives a short nod.

Logan is making an omelet, one with all the fixings that Patton likes, ham and cheese and onion. Roman has insisted on making blueberry muffins from scratch, because he’s Roman and he has to be one hundred percent extra one hundred percent of the time. So, that’s left Virgil in charge of protein, and he’s chosen bacon. He knows how to make bacon. Theoretically, bacon is easy; you put it on the frying pan and flip it at the right time, and viola. Bacon.

So he stands there, watching it sizzle. Logan is next to him, keeping a close watch over his omelet on the stove top, and he serves as a steadying presence, reminding Virgil that he’s fine and that he can do this, and that bacon doesn’t take a very long time anyway, so even if he messes up, he can do it again. On Logan’s other side, Roman has commandeered the entire counter for his ingredients. He’s mixing them together and humming to himself, a jovial tune, and it’s still too loud but Virgil feels better about it than he did a few minutes ago.

He finishes the first batch, and frowns at the strips. They’re definitely cooked through all the way, but they’re a bit floppy, and a realization strikes him: he doesn’t know how Patton likes his bacon. Chewy or crispy? Or somewhere in between, with some crispy bits at the edges and the rest softer?

Oh god, the world is ending.

He must make a noise, or a noticeable motion, because Logan glances over at him.

“Is everything alright?” he asks.

“Chewy or crispy?” he manages to say, though his throat has clenched up like a vice. He is well aware that he’s making too big of a deal about this, that it’s just bacon, for crying out loud, but he’s running on so little sleep and it’s so important to him that he gets this right, that they succeed in making Patton feel a little better, and in the face of that, imperfect bacon might as well be the worst catastrophe he’s ever faced.

Logan’s brow furrows. “Are you talking about the bacon?” he asks. “You know, I’m not actually sure.”

He groans, staring at what he’s already made. It might be fine, but then again, it might not be, and if it’s not—

“Virgil,” Logan says, a bit of amusement creeping into his voice. “Please, breathe. Overly processed meat products are not worthy of your distress.”

“But—”

“No,” Logan says, “none of that. Even if we don’t know which he prefers, I find it unlikely that he will reject it out of hand if it’s crispier or chewier than he likes. And besides, if it would ease your mind, there is still plenty of time to make more, and that can be crispier than this first batch, so he can choose what he wants.”

He closes his eyes, nodding, turning over the words in his mind. As always, Logan knows exactly what to say to bring him out of a spiral.

“Right,” he says, and then again, because it’s reassuring to hear it out loud. “Right.”

Logan smiles at him, and then, almost too quickly to process, presses a soft kiss to the corner of Virgil’s mouth. He feels himself heating up, especially when he hears Roman laugh a bit.

“There we are,” Logan says fondly, and Virgil doesn’t see so much as sense Roman sneaking around to his other side. He anticipates the kiss, smacked against his cheek, wet and sloppy. He turns to glare, but Roman grins back at him unabashedly.

“I hear it’s loving Virgil hours?” he asks, and Virgil resists the urge to groan.

“It’s ten ‘til seven,” Logan says, but dashes Virgil’s hopes by following that up with, “though I’m not sure why the time matters. Every time is a good time to love Virgil.”

“Oh my god,” he says, and prays that his blush isn’t as obvious as he thinks it is. He may not have much dignity left to speak of, but he has a little bit, if he can hang on to it. “Isn’t it supposed to be loving Patton hours? Can we focus on that, please?”

“We can multitask,” Roman singsongs. “Muffins going in.”

Wordlessly, Virgil steps aside to allow him access to the oven.

“Actually,” Logan says, leaning against the counter with a self-satisfied expression, “the human brain is not designed for true multitasking. This is what makes speaking on the phone while driving so dangerous; if one attempts to accomplish multiple tasks at once, the ability to do all of them is severely compromised.” He pauses. “Though I believe Roman’s point does stand.”

“Of course it does,” Roman says airily. “We have so much love to go around.”

Logan concedes the point with a tilt of his head, but any attempt at stoicism is ruined by the grin twitching at the edges of his lips. Virgil rolls his eyes and dumps more bacon into his pan, but he has to admit, he does feel a lot more relaxed.

Which was probably their goal all along.

They finish up breakfast. Logan makes several omelets that are up to his standards, and Roman’s muffins come out of the oven perfectly baked, soft and crumbly on the top. And Virgil makes another batch of bacon, crispy this time, and then one more for good measure, just to make sure there’s enough of both kinds. Roman goes about setting the table for four, back to humming quietly to himself.

Virgil tunes into the sound on instinct, letting the ebb and flow of Roman’s voice ground him.

Logan surveys the spread of food with satisfaction. “Some fruit, perhaps?” he suggests, and Virgil veers over toward the fridge, digging through to find some strawberries. He’s washing them up when there is a sound of footsteps coming down the stairs, and everyone else quiets.

Virgil turns to see Patton standing in the doorway to the kitchen, and his first thought is that he looks like crap. His hair is still mussed from sleep, and he has a thick blanket draped across his shoulders, but that’s not what catches Virgil’s attention; it’s the bloodshot look in his eyes and the bags underneath them, pointing to at least one restless night, if not more. It’s a look that Virgil is used to seeing in his own mirror; he doesn’t like seeing it on Patton.

“Good morning, Patton,” Logan says softly. “We made breakfast for you.”

Patton blinks owlishly, and for a moment, his face is completely blank, as if the words haven’t registered with him at all. Then, his eyes flicker to the table, and then to the mess in the kitchen, and go wide.

“You did all this for me?” he asks, his voice small.

Roman drapes his arms over him from behind, kissing his cheek just in front of his ear.

“Of course,” he says.

“We’ve noticed that you haven’t been feeling well lately,” Logan adds. “We hoped that this might help you feel better.”

A smile breaks out on Patton’s face, then, thin and watery and wavering but there all the same, and it is such a relief to see that Virgil feels as though a physical weight has been lifted from his shoulders. Patton gestures toward Logan, who steps forward obligingly into the hug, and then Patton looks to Virgil, who is still hovering awkwardly around the sink, hands full of strawberries, and, well. He can never deny Patton anything, and a group hug sounds nice, so he sets the strawberries down on the counter and moves to join them. It’s a big, warm embrace with Patton in the middle, and Virgil sighs as the last of his tension drips out of him, leaving him uncommonly relaxed.

“I love you guys so much,” Patton says. “Thank you.”

“Love you too, Pat,” Virgil murmurs, and though his voice gets a little bit lost in between the other two saying much the same thing, he knows that Patton hears him, because he turns to him for just a second and smiles, brighter and more genuine, and really, that makes all the stress of the morning completely worth it.

So, they have breakfast, and it’s good, and Virgil notices that Patton doesn’t seem to have much a preference between the two types of bacon, but that’s more than alright, because the point is to make Patton a bit happier, and the small smile on his face says that they’ve succeeded at that. So maybe the world isn’t ending at all.

Because Virgil would rather die than say something so cheesy out loud, but he’s got his entire world right here, sitting around the table in the early morning light, food and company and love to spare.

General Taglist: @just-perhaps @the-real-comically-insane @jerrysicle-tree @glitchybina @psodtqueer @mrbubbajones @snek-boii @severelylackinginquality @aceawkwardunicorn @gayerplease @elizabutgayer @dwbh888 @thatoneloudowl @sanderssides-angst @gayboopnoodle @wildfire5157 @ldavmp4 @a-ghostlight-for-roman @sammy-is-obsessed @imlovethomassanders @a-yeet-bop-bop-boom @halfordshysteria @random-fander @addykatb @i-cant-find-a-good-username @intruxiety @maybedefinitely404 @arya-skywalker @thefivecalls @nerdy-emo-royal-dad

[penaltbox]

the one with shay (bc i cant be asked to think of a title sorry)

Damn you, Ryder, you think to yourself. You have no clue where he disappeared to and now your friend has texted you that she’s leaving with some guy she knows from class. Figures. Now you’re stuck here at a party where you don’t know anyone and your drink is empty. Deciding you couldn’t get through this without a drink, you make your way to the kitchen, grateful no one else is in there.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t last long. “Hey.” You turn to the voice and see a guy walking over.

“Hi.” Your response is short, slightly annoyed with your friends and definitely not in the mood to be talking with him.

“Aw don’t be like that. I thought we could have some fun.” He makes his way next to you and you start panicking. You look out into the crowd, praying you’ll see someone you know.

“I’m good. I’m here with my friends.”

He makes a show of looking around. “I don’t see any friends here.” He steps closer, his hip nudging yours. You thank your lucky stars that you see Shay talking to some guys that you know are on the hockey team.

You’re kind of scared to go over there, you’re friends with Ryder, but you’ve never met any of the guys on the team. You’ve met Shay a few times, but really only in passing. You don’t want to go over there, but you really want to get away from the dude who’s hand is now on your arm, pulling you towards him. “I was thinking we get out of here.” He’s leaned in closer and you can smell the alcohol on his breath. “Sorry, I gotta go. I see my friends,” you tell him as you yank your arm away.

You make your way to the group and stand near Shay, who’s enthusiastically telling a story, but stops when he sees you awkwardly standing there.

“Hey Shay,” you start, feeling your cheeks already heating up with how awkward you feel. “Sorry to bother you guys. But my friend who I was here with left and Ryder disappeared and there was this weird guy in the kitchen who wouldn’t leave me alone and the only person I recognize here is, uh, you.” You’re rambling and they’re all looking at you and you feel so uncomfortable, until Shay looks at you with kind eyes and gives you a warm smile.

“You can chill with us, no worries.” He moves to make space in their little circle and he quickly introduces you to the boys standing with him as Dylan, Owen, Mike, and Dom. You don’t think you’ll remember their names, but you give them a small wave and a grateful smile.

They pick up on their conversation and you’re just trying to follow along. That is, until Shay throws an arm around your shoulders, pulling you closer to him. Your heart rate picks up when he leans down to speak so you can hear him over the music. “Are you okay?”

You nod back at him, tilting your head up to respond. “Yeah, thank you for saving me back there. If I interrupted your night though, I can just go.”

Shay shakes his head at you. “The more the merrier,” he smiles. “Besides,” he says louder this time, “I need a new pong partner, Mike sucks.”

Mike hears that one and shouts a small ‘hey’. Shay sticks his tongue out at him and you can’t help but laugh at the playfulness between the group. As the night continues, they make you feel comfortable and even include you in conversations.

“I can’t believe Ryder has a fun friend and he didn’t even introduce you to us,” Mike says, making everyone laugh.

Eventually, you all end up playing beer pong. You and Shay are partners and you’re winning by a few cups. You’re having fun, playful banter between you and the boys keeping things interesting and attracting a crowd. You look over and see the guy from the kitchen earlier, his eyes trained on you. Before you take your shot, you place a hand on Shay’s bicep, getting his attention. “That guy from earlier is over here.”

You feel Shay’s bicep tense and you try to ignore that heat that spreads through you at the feeling of his muscle. “Want me to beat him up?” he asks.

The question makes you giggle and you shake your head, no. “I just want him to leave me alone.”

“Well, I have an idea.”

For the rest of the game, Shay keeps an arm either around your shoulders or around your waist and you try to ignore the butterflies in your stomach. You see him send a few glares towards the guy and the protective act makes you flush, although you blame the alcohol. You guys have one more cup left and you let Shay go first. He’s standing behind you, one arm across your middle holding you to him, the other preparing to throw the ball. His shot just barely misses which means you’re up next.

“No promises that we win, I suck at getting the last one,” you say.

“I missed too,” Shay shrugs. “But you got this and you’re doing better than Mike.” You laugh before finally throwing the ball.

You watch it sink into the last cup, winning the game. The guys start hollering and Shay picks you up, spinning you around in a hug. “There you go, sweetheart,” he says as he sets you down. The nickname and the deepness of his voice as he says it has your heart racing. It’s nothing compared to the way you think your heart is going to beat out of your chest when he places a kiss on your temple. “Knew you could do it,” he says, his lips brushing against your skin. You blush, nudging him with your shoulder. “It was a team effort.”

You guys are up again as the winners, and you take the time to glance around. The guy from earlier has left and you didn’t even notice. You tug on the sleeve of Shay’s shirt, catching his attention. He leans down making it easier for you to speak. “He’s gone. Thank you, Shay.”

“You don’t have to thank me for that, sweetheart.”

You guys win the next game too before calling it quits. You don’t necessarily want the night to end, you were having a great time with the guys, Shay especially, but you’re getting tired and know you should be heading home soon. You say your goodbyes and the guys tell you they hope you come around more often. “I can walk you home. Wouldn’t want you walking alone at this time,” Shay offers.

You take him up on it, thankful you don’t have to make the trek alone in the dark. The walk is full of laughs, you at Shay’s goofiness and him at your teasing. Without the music and the crowd, it’s easier to talk and you find yourself intrigued by the blonde.

When you finally make it home, you thank him for walking you and for everything he did for you tonight. “Of course, anytime. I’d say sorry my idiot brother left you alone, but it seems like he did me a favor.” Shay’s voice is light and teasing and you can’t help but match the smile he’s giving you.

“Kind of seems like something a good brother would do,” you tease and it makes Shay laugh. You bite your lip, not really wanting to say goodbye, instead choosing to say, “have a safe walk home, Shay.” He smiles at that, bidding you a good night before heading home.

The next morning, you wake up to a text from Ryder, apologizing for leaving you at the party and asking you to brunch to make up for it. You agree, not one to pass up brunch, especially when you’re not paying. You decide on meeting Ryder at his place, but when you get there it’s Shay that lets you in. “Hey, my new pong partner!” Shay greets you enthusiastically and you giggle.

Ryder hears the interaction as he walks down the hall, and takes a pause at your laugh. His mind slowly connecting dots while you and Shay talk. First, Ryder thinks, you never giggle like that. Except for that one time the two of you went to your dorm because you forgot your wallet and some guy on your floor was flirting with you. Second, from where he’s standing, he can see the way Shay is looking at you, a huge smile on his face that only seems to grow when he makes you laugh. Finally, Ryder’s thoughts flashback to earlier in the morning. Shay had asked about you and followed you on Instagram, while telling Ryder to apologize for leaving you at the party.

“Has Ryder invited you to the party this Friday?” Shay questions, “I need my beer pong partner there.”

At that question, it finally clicks in Ryder’s head—Shay totally has a crush on you. And he thinks you might just feel the same way about his older brother.

“I was going to invite her while we were at brunch, Shay,” Ryder speaks up, greeting you as he puts on his shoes. Shay holds his hands up in response, saying sorry and bidding you two a goodbye.

When you and Ryder get to brunch and finally get your food, you decide to speak up on how unusually quiet Ryder’s been. “Hey,” you start cautiously, “I’m sorry if it bothers you that I was talking with Shay and some of the guys last night.”

Ryder is quick to cut you off. “No, don’t be. I should have introduced you to them a while ago anyway. Plus, Shay told me what happened. He said the guys enjoyed having you around.” You smile, thinking about Shay talking about you and it doesn’t go unnoticed by the boy in front of you. “Did you have fun at least?” he asks.

“Oh, yeah. The guys are really funny. Plus, Shay and I were pong partners and we won twice in a row,” you gush. “Oh, and Shay and a few other guys followed me on Insta, in case you wanted to know.”

Ryder smirks at you, but doesn’t say anything. Instead, he takes a bite of his omelette. You take a sip of your juice and give him a questioning look over the rim of your glass. 
“So,” he taunts, “my brother, eh?”

You almost choke on your orange juice. After a moment of coughing and trying to catch your breath while Ryder looks on amusedly, you speak up. “What about him?”

“You totally like him.”

“Do not.”

Ryder throws his head back, laughing. “What are we, five?” he asks. “I’m not blind, I saw the way you looked at him this morning. And the giggle, that’s your I’m-into-you giggle.”

“Ryder,” you warn.

“Did you hear yourself just now?” he asks, holding back a laugh. “Oh yeah, Ryder I had so much fun at the party with Shay. Oh, me and Shay were beer pong partners and Shay followed me on Insta. He is just so great and dreamy,” he sings in a high-pitched voice that you think sounds nothing like yours.

You groan, holding your head in your hands and trying to hide your blush. “Ryder,” you whine, “stop.”

“Only if you admit it.”

“Fine, okay. He’s cute. And really funny. Are you happy now?” you sigh. “Just don’t tell him, please.”

“Oh, come on. What’s the fun in that? Besides, Shay totally likes you back.” Ryder says it with such confidence, you almost believe him.

“Yeah right, Donovan.”

“I know my brother, okay? Don’t tell him I told you, but he asked me about you this morning. Besides the way he was talking to you this morning? That’s classic Shay flirting.”

“He was just being nice, Ryder,” you sigh.

“Come to the party Friday. Dress cute and I promise you, Shay will die,” Ryder laughs. “I mean, I’m a little surprised you went for my brother of all people, but I’m here for it. I’ll be your, wingman.”

You roll your eyes, but you do agree to go to the party on Friday.

You spend the rest of the week thinking about Friday. What do you wear? How do you do your make-up? What about your hair? Friday rolls around and you still have none of your questions answered.

After your classes are done for the day, you finally get yourself ready for the party, having no choice but to answer your own questions. You’re just finishing up mascara when you see your phone light up, indicating that you got a text.

You look and see it’s from Ryder. ‘Shay asked if you were coming 😏’

You blush as you read it. ‘Sure he did. I’m heading over soon btw’

Your nerves build the whole time it takes you to get to the address Ryder texted you. When you get there, your eyes immediately search for the two Donovan brothers.

Shay sees you before you spot either of them, not that he had been glancing at the door ever since Ryder announced you were on your way. His eyes widen at the site of you and he chokes on his drink.

“You good?” Ryder asks, clapping him on the back. Shay nods in response, still clearing his throat when Ryder sees you. “Oh, I see now,” Ryder says, his tone smug. He notices you took his advice and dressed cute and, clearly, his brother noticed too.

Ryder steps away from the group, who are already chirping Shay for his reaction, and makes his way towards you. “Oh, hey!” you exclaim when you notice Ryder walking towards you.

He pulls you in for a quick hug before exclaiming, “Shay literally almost died when he saw you.” He’s smirking and it makes you blush.

“Shut up, Ryder. No he didn’t.”

Ryder just rolls his eyes at your stubbornness and walks you to the group. You get introduced to a few more guys who are just as rambunctious as the ones you met last time and you find yourself enjoying your time with the group. Eventually, there’s a few small conversations and you find yourself in one with Shay.

His one arm is slung over your shoulders and he’s waving the other around as he animatedly explains this time when him and Ryder were skating on a pond and Ryder totally wiped out. You’re laughing at how dramatic his story telling is and at the picture in your head of Ryder sprawled out on the ice. You guys are enjoying yourselves so much, you don’t even notice that Ryder has shooed everyone away to leave you two alone.

You’re in the middle of your own story when your favorite song comes on. “Wait,” you gasp. “I love this song.”

“Well let’s dance then,” Shay says, grabbing your hand and leading you to the dance floor.

The two of you dance and Shay laughs as you sing along to all the words and the instrumentals too. He’s having fun, enjoying that you can be just as silly and carefree as he is. It’s at a time when Shay is holding your hand and spinning you around as you both laugh that Ryder happens to look over. He can see the happiness on both of your faces and he smiles to himself, satisfied with his matchmaking abilities.

Later in the night, the younger Donovan looks over and sees you two getting quite cozy. You’re dancing with your bodies pressed together, your one hand reaching back to play with Shay’s hair while Shay’s hands are wandering across your hips. Ryder makes eye contact with his brother and fake gags. Somehow with you noticing, Shay flips him off and Ryder laughs as he goes off to do his own thing.

It’s 1 a.m. when you decide you’re partied out. “I’m hungry,” you announce, moving to rest your head on Shay’s shoulder, “fries sound so good right now.”

“Is this your way of asking me to go get fries?” Shay teases.

You blush and nod your head. “I’m partied out. You can stay if you want though.”

“I could go for some fries,” he shrugs. At that, you guys end up leaving, deciding that McDonald’s fries were a good option.

The two of you end up walking around and talking while enjoying fries and the fresh air. “My nights seem to be more fun when you’re involved,” you speak quietly, knowing he’ll hear you.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” you confirm. “I’m not sure I want the night to end yet.” It’s a bold statement and you’re not sure why you’re speaking with such candor, but something about Shay makes you feel comfortable.

“I know I don’t want it to end,” Shay says, his face flushing, “I like spending time with you.”

Speaking the truth has always been easier in the early morning hours, when the sky was dark and the world seemed to be at its quietest. You and Shay walk in silence after the profession, both of you unsure what the confessions mean.

It’s Shay who breaks first. “If you wanted, you could come over? We could just chill, watch a movie?”

“I’d love that,” you agree, smiling up at him.

You make it to his place, where you’ve been a handful of times with Ryder. This time, though, it feels different.

“Make yourself at home.” Shay gestures to his bed and you sit down at the edge, feeling nervous. Shay laughs when he sees you and jumps on the bed, landing next to you. “Come here,” he murmurs as he wraps his arms around you, forcing you to lay back with him.

You laugh as you shift, getting comfortable in his side. He presses play on the movie you choose and it’s not long before he looks down to see you fast asleep, head on his chest. He smiles softly to himself at how peaceful you look. It’s not long before Shay falls into a deep sleep too. That’s exactly how Ryder finds you guys when he comes home and it’s so cute, it almost makes him sick.

The next morning, Ryder pretends to sleep while Shay asks you on a breakfast date. You leave the room, going to change out of your clothes from last night.

“Wow,” Shay whispers when you come back, in a pair of his sweats and one of his sweatshirts.

“What?” you ask, feeling shy.

“Nothing. You just look really cute right now,” Shay says nonchalantly and Ryder makes a mental note to tease him about it later.

Your breakfast date with Shay goes so well and you can tell your feelings are growing. He was sweet and made you laugh throughout your meal, and you felt yourself melt when you talked about his family. It goes so well, in fact, that Shay asks you to hang out sometime later in the week and you agree.

You guys text throughout the week and you can’t help the smile each time your phone lights up with a notification from Shay. One day, in the middle of your text conversation with Shay, you get a message from Ryder.

‘stop texting my brother.’

The text makes you laugh. ‘how do you know he’s texting me?’

‘he keeps pausing the video game and smiling at his phone. it has to be you’

You feel your face get hot. The fact that he’s taking the time to respond makes your heart flutter and you know you’re in deep. Deciding to let your friend have this one, you text Shay.

‘go play video games with Ryder before he throws a fit’

Shay laughs at your text and does as you say, knowing he’ll call you tonight before you go to bed anyway. He’s in too deep, and by the smirk on the boys’ faces, it’s obvious to everyone else too.

“Just ask her out already,” Owen says, laughing at the way the older boy’s face goes red.

“Yeah, Shay, grow a pair. If you don’t, I will,” Roman jokes.

“Shut up, Roman,” Ryder scolds while Shay just glares.

“I get it, okay?” Shay groans, “I’m just really trying not to mess this one up.”

The sincerity of Shay’s response makes the boys drop it. His feelings for you are obvious, but the honesty of him not wanting to mess things up further shows just how serious he is.

After that night, Shay knows he has to ask you to be his. He spends a week thinking about how to do it. He comes up with a few ideas, but none of them feel like you two. That is, until one morning as he’s walking in to practice, the idea hits him.

It’s a Thursday when Shay asks if he can stop by. You know you won’t be able to see him much over the weekend as it’s the first home game so you agree. It’s not long before your phone starts vibrating, a call from Shay asking you to come open the door.

“Hi.” You smile at him as you open the door.

“Grab your shoes, let’s go,” he says, grabbing your hand and leading you out the door as you grab a pair of shoes you had by the door.

“Shay,” you giggle, putting on your shoes as you try to keep up with him, “where are we going? I’m cold.”

“On a walk, sweetheart. To get fries,” he shrugs and you laugh, used to the spontaneity you get with Shay.

“You couldn’t have warned me? I would’ve grabbed a sweatshirt,” you pout.

Shay smirks, glad his plan is working. He quickly takes off his sweatshirt, his Wisconsin hockey one adorned with his number, and hands it to you. “Here, you can wear this one.”

The gesture makes you blush and you pull on the hoodie, now engulfed in Shay’s cologne and the warmth his body heat left behind. “Thanks,” you say, looking at him with a soft smile.

He bites his lip, taking a breath before responding. “You should wear it tomorrow too, at the game. It’d be nice to have my girlfriend supporting me.”

His words make you stop dead in your tracks, right in the middle of the sidewalk. “Your what?”

Shay would be worried that you stopped, but the blush on your cheeks and the bright smile on your face tells him all he needs to know. “As my girlfriend,” he starts, placing his hands on your hips and pulling you closer, “you know, if you want to be?”

You beam up at him, nodding. “Yeah, yeah, I’d like that.” 


At your response, Shay pulls you in for a kiss. It’s short and sweet, considering you’re still out on the sidewalk, but it’s enough to keep you wanting more. Your lips tingle and you can feel the energy coursing through your whole body, no longer feeling cold.

It’s another second before you finally feel like you can speak. “Come on, McDonald’s is right there and my boyfriend promised me some fries.”

You and Shay get your fries, just like the night when the two of you first confessed to enjoying each other’s company. He walks you home, both of you knowing he has to be up early for game day preparations the next day. However, he does leave you with a kiss at your front door that makes your toes curl and your heart pound. When he finally leaves you can’t help but trace your lips, the feeling of his lips on yours permanently etched in your brain.

You go to bed that night a smile on your face and a mental note to thank Ryder for leaving you at that party.

[kashimos-hajime]

run to you | amaranthine (6/6) | b.b.

summary: “How dare you make me choose between the son I chose and the man I love?”

WARNINGS: blood, civil war bullshit, swearing, angst like HELLO, mentions of torturing/brainwashing, but some softness too, ends on a hopeful note pairing: bucky barnes x fem!reader word count: 11.2k

a/n: super long chapter bc i tried to pack the essentials of 2016 into here! hope you enjoy loves and sorry for the wait!! there’s a LOT of subtle tony and reader family vibes. it’s 224 am as i post/edit this so excuse any of that. vibes are run to you by pentatonix.

amaranthine masterlist

I've been settling scores I've been fighting so long But I've lost your war And our kingdom is gone

You move Bucky Barnes to the bunker he left forty years ago while he heals. He sleeps a lot, although nightmares plague then more often than not, and you try to busy yourself by running errands—trying to find something for you to do. You’ve spent the last forty years focused on achieving this one thing and now…

Now, you’re bored.

It’s only been three days.

“I’m going to find Tony, okay?” you mumble into the pillow, relishing the gentle, tentative caress of his fingers along your bicep. He’s been watching you sleep for the past hour or so, blue eyes muted and soft. You’d spent the night soothing his nightmares, wiping away the sweat, assuring him that you’re here, and you’re exhausted, but the day needs to start no matter what. Opening your eyes, you meet those blue eyes, and brush strands of hair away from his forehead. His pink lips are twisted into a frown, and you smile. “What is it?”

“If I’m staying with you, then we can’t stay here,” he whispers. You wrinkle your nose, leaning forward to kiss him chastely before getting up but he cups the back of your neck, bringing you close again.

“I can’t just disappear on Tony,” you mumble against his mouth. “I need to tell him.”

“No.” It’s sharp, succinct, the taste of fear and desperation that seeps into your skin as he grabs your wrists, and you sit up, pulling him up so you can look at him. You swallow your words as he shakes his head, metal arm clicking, clicking clicking.

“Bucky, I can’t keep this a secret from him. I can’t keep what happened with Howard and Maria a secret. He’s my family.” Your hand gently rubs the scarring of his shoulder before running down his bare chest, and your fingers trace the stitches where the chest tube had been before finding his waist. “I can’t, and you can’t make me choose between him or you. Please don’t make me choose.”

“I wouldn’t,” he whispers, his hand going up and down your arm. The rough calluses of his palm, the warmth of his skin, it sends shivers down your spine. “I could never do that to you, but don’t you see he’ll hate me?”

“He’ll understand. When you explain it to him, he’ll understand that that wasn’t you.” You hold him closer, his forehead pressing into your chest and you close your eyes, running your fingers through his hair. Your other hand holds his head to you, and he’s silent, grabbing at the sheets around them. He’s holding himself back from touching you. “I’m not going to let him hurt you.” You rest your chin on his head and he lets out a shuddering breath at the feel of your fingers tracing the curve of his back. A sort of desperation sinks into your gut and you slide your arms around him, palms smoothing over the scars carved into his muscle. They’re faded but still waxy to your touch, and you bury your face into his hair.

“They’ll take me when you tell him. He’ll take me,” he murmurs, voice hoarse and breaking. “You can’t stop them from taking me.”

“Bucky—”

“It doesn’t matter.” He pulls back, eyes empty of anything. He is the void of grief, guilt, anger. He is the devil’s puppet, and now that you’ve cut his strings, he does not know how to move on his own. He wants what he thinks he deserves. “It doesn’t matter whether or not I was the Winter Soldier. I still did it.” Your hands cup his face, and his hands find your waist as he sucks in a huge breath, trying to calm a heart rate you can hear racing through his body. Sitting in his lap, you simply soak in those tired features, before sliding your arms around his neck again and hugging him tight.

“Let me do it all,” you whisper. Kissing his hair, you pull yourself away, and his eyes drop to his hands. You press your lips together, jaw clenching, and something inside you breaks at how small he looks, hunched over in your bed. “Don’t worry, okay? Get some sleep.”

“I should pay for what I did, shouldn’t I?” he whispers. “At least you’ll know where I am.”

“Let me handle it, love,” you repeat. “Don’t spiral on me before we know for sure, alright?” Pulling on a shirt, your mind is running through the list of all the things you can do. Everything you can’t do. Some very selfish part of you wants to hide Bucky away from the world, give him the time he needs—the time you need, but you think of Tony who you’ve always put first before anything else.

The abject horror of watching him fly into the wormhole, the death of his parents, nearly losing Pepper…

Tony has grounded you ever since he was born. He’s been with you despite everything you’ve lost. You grieved his parents together, you were there when he walked across the stage even though his father wasn’t. You love Tony… you love him…

But Bucky… you have dedicated your entire life to him. You have loved him, searched for him despite all odds. You mourned him for thirty years, and then the other forty he wasn’t with you. You stay up at night imagining all that could’ve been, and still be.

To pit them against each other is impossible, yet you must choose anyway.

You meet up with Tony for lunch and say you have a new lead in Europe. I need a ride, maybe some supplies. This’ll have to be off the grid.

Tony worries, but that’s in his nature, and you can’t say anything about it.

You ask Bucky where he wants to go in the world, and you promise you’ll take him.

He tells you Bucharest—a place untouched by the kiss of frost, untouched by the Winter Soldier, a place where the two of you can start anew.  

You fight off the nausea curdling your stomach the whole flight there.

.

It’s been two years since Washington, and Bucky still wakes up surprised when you present to him a cup of hot coffee and a plate of breakfast. It’s become one of your favourite things, to spoil Bucky Barnes, and you do it every chance you get. There’s a quiet routine the two of you have fallen into ever since the two of you decided to settle in Bucharest, and you enjoy it. You don’t mention his nightmares—they’ve receded into only three times a week instead of every night—nor does he bring up the fact that you’ve left everything behind for him—you pick up your phone to call Tony at least once every day before convincing yourself it’s better this way and setting it back down without dialling.  

No, you follow the routine.

Wake up in bed together with the occasional surprise breakfast in bed

Shower and then plan out the day after breakfast

Go out to the markets

Have lunch together and go to the library

Your afternoons are normally spent together, but there is the occasion Bucky will go on a run or you’ll spend yours baking, and you won’t see him until dusk, but you don’t mind.

No one’s searching for you now, although the backpack underneath the floorboards and the one in the false bottom of one of your empty drawers still whisper in your ear.

“How about plums for dessert?” he asks, uncertain as the two of you walk the markets. It’s bustling, loud with life, and you smile, wrapping an arm around his. You squeeze his hand, and his eyes soften when his eyes meet yours. You’ve given him a haircut just this morning, and it makes him look younger, like the man you knew back in the forties. Those eyes are his, too. Bucky’s slowly coming back to you every day. “They should be in season, and fresh fruit seem nice.”

“That sounds perfect. I’ll go get the papers,” you say, and he nods. They don’t normally waste the money they have on things they didn’t need like the papers just in case the two of you need to pack up quickly and move, but you know he likes to read news about Steve. Steve. Hah. You wonder what he’d think, knowing you’ve been hiding your best friend away from him for two years. Knowing Bucky wanted to hide at all.

Bucky’s eyes are doubtful, but you merely adjust the cap on his head and smile. Although your fingers want to brush hair behind his ear, you know that you’ve snipped it all away. Instead, you cup his cheek, thumb brushing underneath his eye. You lean up to peck his jaw, untangling yourself from him and his eyes linger on your face before he turns to walk into the maze of stalls. Surveying your surroundings, you watch people pass by, going on with their day, before spotting a vendor across the street. He’s chewing lazily on a straw, leaning on the desk as he reads the newest lotto numbers, and you wait until the light turns, crossing the road.

“Good afternoon,” you begin, approaching the stall. Your gaze trails across the magazines, the little toys and bobs that tourists would love, before glancing up at the man who drags his eyes away from the little TV he has hanging at the top left corner of his stall.  You smile, adjusting the hoodie on your frame. “Do you have today’s paper?”

“Yeah.” He lazily grabs one from the box, sliding it first page down over. “Three leu.”

You procure three one leu bills, handing it over for the paper and you dip your head in thanks before heading back across the street. You tuck the newspaper underneath your arm, eyes scanning for a place to give it a brief read. Bucky’s still wandering the markets, his hand holding onto a bag of some other vegetables you know he hadn’t intended to buy, but you’ve convinced him you can come up with something no matter what he buys. You like the variety it brings, and you hope he likes the choice of it all.

His eyes catch yours as if he knows you’re staring and you wave, unclamping the paper from your arm. His lips twitch into a faint smile before he approaches the fruit vendor and you find an empty spot on the bench, sitting down with your bag in your lap.

The day’s not too warm or too cold, and you relish in the gentle breeze kissing your cheeks as you set your gaze on the paper.

Your breath spears into your ribs, everything inside you draining out as you read the front page of the news.

Winter Soldier. Bombing in Vienna at a United Nations Conference. The Winter Soldier.

Winter Soldier.

Your eyes widen as you soak in the black ink, printed boldly, sharply into the dulled paper. Your hands tremble and your guts are in knots. Chains wrap around your stomach, squeezing bile up your throat as you throw the paper off of you like it’s poison. Your eyes sweep the area, blood rushing down to your legs as you search for threats and Bucky, bumping into random civilians who have no idea what you’ve just read. You can barely contain yourself to a run, unwilling to draw attention to yourself as you scour the markets. He isn’t at the fruit vendor’s stand. Not at this one anyway.

Shit, shit, shit.

You know it isn’t Bucky.

Bucky was here with you.

Shit, shit, shit. Where is he?

Holding your bag tight to you, you feel the contours of the pistol you carry with you at all times, eyes searching, eyes trying to find you. His eyes—ocean eyes—brown jacket, that red henley. Red and blue and brown—

His voice, that sweet voice speaking Romanian, pierces your hearing and you turn to the source of the sound, seeing him lean over as he rolls a plum between his metal fingers. Fingers you know feel just like his flesh hand does, just as your hand does.

You focus on this as you walk towards him, as strange as it seems. You focus on his metal hand covered beneath glove and sleeve, and how whenever you hold it, you don’t feel like you’re holding something dead. How whenever you hold Bucky’s hand, you do not feel like you are dead.

“Love,” you call in Romanian, and he turns to you. For a moment, his eyes study you before he smiles and looks at the wooden tray of plums proudly.

“What do you think, angel?”

“They’re lovely, but we have to go,” you whisper, not giving the fruits a second glance. Bucky’s still eyeing the rows of plums but you reach up, turn his face towards you. His eyes soak you in, soak in the panic radiating out of your every pore, the wild fear, and his eyebrows furrow together. He takes your hands, squeezing them gently, before excusing himself from the vendor and pulling you away.

“What is it?”

“We have to get back to the flat, now,” you whisper, pulling him close to you. He wraps an arm instinctively around you, ducking his head so his face is covered by the shadow of his cap and you keep a smile on your face. Both of their sets of eyes are making sure no one’s tailing them as you explain in English under your breath, “There was a bombing at the United Nations conference in Vienna. Someone framed you. King T’Chaka is dead.”

“What? Who?”

“Someone who doesn’t want you to rest.” His arm tightens around your shoulder as you reach the apartment building. Urging Bucky into a quick march, the two of you part and you run up the stairs first as he bars the door to the lobby behind him.

“My journals—”

“We’ll go get them,” you assure quietly, already running through a list in your head of what you’ll need on short notice. You’ve been prepared for weeks for this. You’ve never had the luxury to be comfortable in that cramped apartment with only a mattress between them and newspaper plastered over the windows. Entering the apartment silently, you head for the bathroom first, unhooking the mirror from the wall to grab quinjet keys from the tiny hole in the wall. Your eyes pass over the trash can littered with Bucky’s hair, and you swallow, grabbing the scissors off the sink countertop.

Running into the kitchen, you unzip your purse and toss it aside, shoving the pistol down the back of your pants before crouching down and pulling open the drawer with the false bottom. Bucky hides next to you, helping you lift the false bottom to a backpack containing all your assault rifle parts, canned foods, water, and first-aid. 

Unzipping it, you watch him stuff the little snacks they’ve spent money on, candy bars and granola, into your back as you listen out for intruders. You throw the scissors, just as you look at the back door.

Something scuffs outside your front door and every muscle in you freezes.

The door gives in quietly, and you pull the pistol out of your waistband slowly, eyes trained on Bucky. He shakes his head. He doesn’t recognize the sound of their footsteps either. Not their nosy neighbour, or the kid from upstairs who knocks on their door every once in a while.

The intruder steps foot and the wood gives in immediately. It’s their trap plank, one they know squeaks, and you know immediately it is a stranger. Shooting up, your arms press against the countertop, fingers hovering on the trigger as your thumb pushes the safety off, and you swallow, taking in a deep breath to steady your heart rate. Your mind is sharply focused on the feel of the gun in your hands, and your throat folds as the image of the intruder burns itself into your brain.

“Y/N?”

“Steve?” Straightening up, you lower the pistol but your body does not ease at the sight of Captain America here. “What are you doing here?”

“Heads up, Cap. German Special Forces approaching from the south.”

“Why are you here?” His shield is still to his side, and your jaw clenches. Bucky is still crouched by your feet, and you reach down to grab the backpack, swinging it onto your shoulder. “Tony said you were off the grid.”

You pull up your hood roughly, tying the drawstrings tight. “I am.”

“They’ve set the perimeter.”

“Where’s Bucky?”

“He wasn’t in Vienna. I can testify for him.” Your voice is taut as you walk out from behind the counter. Your foot is just over the floorboard where Bucky’s backpack full of journals is and you inhale deeply as you glance back at the door behind you. It’s a long fall down from the twenty-seventh story.

“Well, the people who think he did are coming here now. And they’re not planning on taking him alive.” His words sink into the air, and you nod. You hadn’t thought any different. “He’s here.” Steve‘s voice dips at the words, and you falter for a moment, finger finally relaxing on the trigger. His eyes scan the apartment, before landing on the kitchen counter and it’s almost as if he sees right through it and then this man, this sad, sad man looks at you again with grief powerful enough to kill anything. “He’s here, isn’t he?”

Your voice, soft, delicate: “Yes.” You turn to the crouching man who stands, head bowed before turning to meet Steve, and you can feel the tension, thick as butter on your tongue. How much you ache to just slice through it with a sharp knife, but you merely watch, study Steve’s expression. Although half his face is covered by a helmet, his eyes tell you everything. His eyes, wide with shock, blown with nostalgia, as they see a short-haired Bucky—a shadow of his best friend, who stares at him with such emptiness it pains the soul.

“Do you remember me?” Steve asks softly.

“They’re entering the building.”

“You’re Steve. I read about you in a museum.”

“We have to go, Bucky,” you whisper and he turns to you, nodding. Steve steps forward but you merely raise the gun to him. He freezes in his tracks. “I’m not afraid to shoot a soldier, Rogers.”

“They’re on the roof. I’m compromised.”

“You used to be,” he says and you sigh heavily as Bucky pulls off his leather glove to reveal that metal hand, gleaming and elegant and cold. You can hear the pattering of boots up the concrete steps, and your mind runs over escape routes through tunnels, sewers, ways you can escape without hurting anyone on your way out. The thought of death makes you exhausted.

You head towards the kitchen, pulling open a cabinet and grabbing the black holster, clipping it onto your belt, shaking your head to yourself. “We don’t want to hurt anyone.”

“This doesn’t have to end in a fight.”

“It always ends in a fight,” Bucky murmurs. You turn the safety on, slip the pistol into the holster. The two of you share a look, and you nod to reassure yourself and him.

“Five seconds.”

An uneasy glance to the window.

“You pulled me from the river. Why?”

“Four seconds.”

“We don’t have time for this.”

“I don’t know.”

“Three seconds.”

“Yes, you do.”

“Two seconds…. Breach! Breach! Breach!”

Glass shatters and you turn to the window as a flash bang barrels through the air. Smacking it out of the air, you turn away and close your eyes tight, away from the blinding white light just as another one is thrown through the glass. Steve muffles it with his shield and there’s German shouts on the other side of the door as the wood begins to give beneath the ram.

You’re grabbed by Bucky who shoves you towards the mattress, and you lift it up, rebounding another flash bang. A high pitched whine fills your ears, and you turn to see Bucky fling the table at the door to buy them more time. Letting the mattress fall, you run to roll behind the kitchen counter as soldiers burst through the window. Tackling the man, you manage to disarm him with a quick break to his arm before another guy bursts through the back door to the balcony. Steve takes care of him easily and you punch through the floorboard, grabbing the straps of Bucky’s backpack and flinging it out the door just as three more men stream in through the broken windows. Pushing yourself over, you roll into one of the soldier’s space, reaching up and grabbing his gun just as Bucky punches him out. Steve lands a nasty bash of a shield to the other man’s head, ringing him out, and you grab a cinder block, flinging it towards the last one.

The contact dazes him, shattering against his helmet which cracks upon impact and Bucky kicks him through the wall, letting him dangle off the side of the building just as Steve grabs at him.

“Buck, stop! You’re going to kill someone.”

Two more men repel down the side, landing on the window sill and you barely hear Bucky whisper ‘I’m not going to kill anyone’ before he grabs Steve and throws him at the intruder.

The other man detaches himself from his rope, dropping onto your mattress and you sprint at him, too quickly for him to bring up your gun. He raises his arms, trying to protect his face but you fling yourself at him, legs wrapping around his chest, arms catching him in a chokehold. Wrenching him back, the two of you fall together before you fling him off of backwards, letting him crash into the bookcase before you roll to your feet again.

Shotgun blasts disturb the pitched whining in your ears as they detach their door from its hinges and you suck in the breath of sulphur and gun oil, approaching the barred door with a determined set to your jaw. Bucky walks past you, leading the way while you keep an eye on his six. His metal fingers curl into a fist as you take a moment to gather yourself. The adrenaline pumping through your veins is pure fire and your muscles welcome every stretch and pull as he punches through the wall, knocking out whoever’s holding the shotgun, before barging through.

Slipping past Bucky, you jump onto whoever’s at the top of the staircase, bringing him and his friends down behind him. You fall into a messy heap, your body nipping from the sharp edges of the stairs as glass shatters above and you spare a glance to see someone repelling from the glass roof. The sound of an AR going off makes you flinch, but it’s cut short as more men climb up the steps.

Climbing up onto the red rail, you balance atop of it and wait for a man to pass just across from you on the flight below, and jump. Landing on him, you use him to break your fall, soldiers crowding around you, and you bring up his body as a shield, lunging into whoever’s down the steps next to you. Once you’re on solid ground, you block whatever hits come your way, flinging people off of you left and right.

You punch a man in the throat, fist leaving him breathless as you throw him into the wall before ducking underneath a swing from someone behind you. You grab their wrist, twisting it behind their back and pulling enough for his shoulder to give away in a small pop. He crumples before you as you kick the back of his knees before climbing over the railing once again and swinging down. You bypass all the other soldiers trying to catch up, too quick for them to realize you’re their target as you try to think.

Bucky’s still far above you, but he knows where his journals are and where the meet up point is.

You can’t count how many nights you’ve spent staying up with him, compiling a seamless escape plan with so many exchangeable routes. You descend down the steps, another wave of soldiers storming up and the first one swings up his gun, a smattering of bullets causing you to duck.

You spot a door that leads to an outer staircase and barge through with your shoulder. It opens with a slam, the sound ringing in your ears, and you don’t give yourself time to second doubt your abilities before you’re jumping.

Your legs bunch, stretch, bring you to the concrete railing before launching you forward. You flail through the air, the wind dragging at your clothes, and your heart shoves its way up your throat. You’re weightless for just a moment before you land, body tipping to roll out the momentum. You grab Bucky’s backpack, holding it to your chest and you turn around to see if he’s following.

Not even a minute later, you see him bursting from a few stories above you, landing with a painful grunt. He pushes himself up, sprinting towards you and you throw him his backpack just as a shadow flies over you.

Raising your gaze, you squint against the sun to see a black figure soar through the air. Bucky whirls around just as the attacker lands on him and you run towards him. The black figure is sleek, human, and you frown at the cat ears, the silver weave in between metal fibres.

The Black Panther.

Shit.

It doesn’t stop you from running at him full force, pushing him off his balance. You duck underneath a swipe of his claws, turning to Bucky quickly. “Go!”

Blocking a swing from the left, you grab his wrist and pull him into your fist, jabbing him twice underneath the ribs but the Panther's claws latch onto your sleeve, pulling you over and kicking you in the abdomen.

You crash into an air vent with a gasp, the air pushes out of your lungs as the Panther comes at you again. His claws dig into the vent beside your ear and you grimace, pushing back against his hand that comes gliding through metal like soft cheese. Slouching, you let his arm run over your head and bring a knee to your chest. When your foot connects with his chest, you launch him across the roof, his claws nearly nicking your other ear.

A whirling fills the air, the vibrations running through your bones, and you peer up at the sky to see a helicopter. The shudder of the machine gun ripples through the air and your eyes widen as a trail of bullet fire cracks the roof, dust spiralling through the air.

“Come on!”

A rough hand grabs your shoulder and you’re pulled roughly to your feet. Shoes digging into the concrete, you can feel the bullets nip at your heels, the spat, spat, spat of death chasing you before you throw yourself off the edge of the roof and onto a narrow edge. Bucky lands before you, not pausing before jumping off the roof and you follow after him. He catches you by the waist, softening the landing but it’s still a shockwave up your legs.

An ache festers in your shins, your lungs are on fire, and you try to keep your eyes on target as the helicopter cuts you off and you stutter to a halt while Bucky jumps into the tunnel. Glancing behind you, you see the Panther run after Bucky, and you vault over the barrier, your mind already making a new route.

The helicopter flies after you as you run across rooftops, the tunnel still running below you, and you feel weightless as you jump from building to building. Your feet slap against the rooftops, your lungs burning.

Dropping down onto the street, you spot a brick barrier around an opening. There are civilians, women, men, and children, who are sitting on the benches or going about their day and you wave them off, screaming for them to get to cover as the helicopter speeds after you. Jumping onto the bench you use it as a stepping off point and you jump into the hole, onto the tunnel road just as a car swerves to miss you. You whip around, trying to find Bucky and you see him sprinting towards you. Behind him are a plethora of blue and red and white lights, piercing the dimness of the tunnel.

The ground rumbles beneath your feet and you turn to see a couple on a pair of motorcycles speeding towards you. Buckling your backpack across your chest, you run towards the woman and you knock her off as carefully, as quickly as you can. She lets out a terrified shriek as you swing it off the road, your leg hooking on the seat.

Your fingers wrap around the handlebars, and as soon as the wheels are grounded once again, you speed against the direction of traffic. Leading the way, you press yourself against the motorcycle.

Everything falls to a blur, your eyes ahead but when an explosion prompts you to look back, your eyes widen at the rubble collapsing the tunnel. Bucky floors it, trying to catch up with you just as something is flung through the air.

You open your mouth to warn him but the next thing you know, Bucky’s skidding across asphalt, tumbling and you brake hard. Tires screeching and leaving black marks in the road, you jump off the cycle and run towards him while Steve tackles the Panther off of Bucky. There’s a loud crash of vehicles, and you barely glance up before you skid to a stop. Crouching beside him, your eyes search for injuries, road burns, anything, as the sound of sirens echo through the tunnel. Cars surround them on all sides.

“Are you okay?” you whisper, helping him up, and his hand snags on yours as he nods with a grunt. The Black Panther stands, and you eye him with scrutiny, standing in between the two men. When you’re sure he won’t attack you, you turn to look at Bucky. He’s panting hard and his hand finds your forearm, gripping you protectively as if he isn’t the one they’re searching for. You gently take his hand and put it down, raising your head to meet his eyes.

I’m sorry, he seems to say.

We’ll get out of this, you promise. You cup his cheek briefly, the flashing blue and red lights illuminating his face and he nods, eyes trained on the Panther. Letting your hand drop, you turn to assess the situation.

You eye your surroundings discreetly, keeping your body turned into Bucky, counting the number of guns pointed at you. All of the German Special Forces are taking cover behind their cars, suited in black bulletproof vests, the air rank with burnt cement and melting rubber. Behind the Panther, officers exit their vehicles, and you feel the landing of War Machine before you hear his voice.

A clank of metal, the quaint sound of his repulsors firing up. James Rhodes. Rhodey.

“Stand down, now. Congratulations, Cap. You’re a criminal.”

Out of the corner of your eye, you see Steve raise his hands and you’re nudged away from Bucky as he’s forced to his knees. A gun pushes into your back, forcing you into line beside the Black Panther. You let out a grunt but willingly go, not keen on having a gun shoved into your face even more than it already is, and keep your head down as Bucky is pushed onto his stomach. Manacles clink into place and you raise your hands. Undoing the drawstring, you feel the hood loosen around your head.

“Your Highness.”

You turn to the man beside you, a man who shares similar features to a man you’ve met in the past and he holds his helmet in his hands as he meets your gaze.

T’Chaka’s son stands before you and when you tug down the hood, you hear James’ filtered breath, a soft inhale he fails to mask to your impeccable hearing.

“Doctor.”

The guns lower and you raise your hands again.

"Hey, Rhodey.”

.

You stare into the thick, three inch glass cell, but Bucky refuses to look at you. He’s chained by the legs and wrists to the exam table, and you cross your arms over your chest.

“You should go,” he whispers in Romanian, his voice muffled by the barrier between them. “They only want me.”

“I’m not letting them take you without fighting for you. You didn’t do it.”

“They don’t care.” The task force around you is arguing about moving him, but none of them seem eager to go even close to the most dangerous man in history. “I’m sorry.”

“It wasn’t your fault.” The forklift’s engine ignites and you step back as it lifts him up, the glass cell tipping back and cutting off your conversation. You press your lips together, watching as his eyes struggle to meet yours, and every nerve in your body is telling you to follow after him, but you don’t.

“So, this was your off-grid mission, huh? Playing house with my potential godfather?”

You close your eyes, lower your head. Tony steps in beside you, and you sigh. “Tony, I—”

“How long?” He doesn’t sound angry, furious as you’d expected. Simply… simply interested. Opening your eyes again, you look up and Bucky’s gone.

“Ever since Washington. He didn’t want anyone to know.”

“Well, I’m glad you found him. I knew you were just one call away.”

At this, you turn to admire your boy, and he smiles. He looks tired, his red silk tie doing nothing for the beginnings of eyebags pulling at his face, but he’s still the boy you raised and love as your own. “It’s good to see you, Tony.”

“Thanks, auntie.” Your body melts at the name, a name he hasn’t called you since he was twenty-one and you two were standing at his parents’ tombstones while he sobbed into your shoulder, and you wrap your arms around him desperately. He sinks into your embrace and your eyes close as you stroke his hair. “I don’t know what to do.” About the Accords, about Steve, about Lagos. I read your emails, Tony. Every single one.

It’d been a weekly trip to the quinjet parked outside of Bucharest, just a little hike with Bucky to reconnect and refresh themselves. You were supposed to go tomorrow.

“You’ll do what’s right,” you murmur. You know it because that is what Tony has done since he’s been a little boy. “You can try, and try, and try, but sometimes, people won’t change, or they’ll do something you didn’t expect, and it won’t be your fault.”

“Ma’am, we need to take you to your cell.”

Pulling apart, you run a thumb down Tony’s cheek like you did when he was younger, and he smiles. He’s still got that little boy’s smile, but it fades quicker when he realizes what the task force member said to you.

“Cell. Right.”

“H.Y.D.R.A. still tampered with me, too,” you mutter, inspecting his hair. “They want me for a psych eval, priority number two after Bucky.” You spot a few grey hairs at his roots, and you frown. “You need to get some sleep.”

“Pepper and I are on a break,” he says with a shrug. “Still getting used to the empty bed.” Clicking your tongue, you sigh and pull him into another tight hug quickly. “I’ll see you in a bit. I need to sort this out.”

“I know you will.” You draw away and walk after the soldier down the same path Bucky was taken. You look back to see your boy still looking, and you smile. Everything’s going to be fine.

Tony will figure this out, you tell yourself. We’ll figure everything out together.

.

“What’s your favourite colour?” a guard asks you in heavily accented English, and you smile. You’ve been staring at your handcuffs ever since they put them on you.

“Blue,” you tell him in German. “And you?”

“Purple. It is my wife’s favourite colour,” he explains and your smile softens at the sentiment.

“Blue is the colour of his eyes,” you reply and he ducks his head, trying to hide his smile. You sit at the table, tapping your fingers against the metal, and he stands at the doorway, rifle held in hand, but you’re not afraid.

“You love him, yes?”

“For decades, now.”

“I am a big fan. My father told stories about the Howling Commandos, ma’am.”

“I’m flattered.”

We’ll figure it out.

The lights switch off and the room plunges into black before the emergency lights turn on. Everything around you is illuminated with red or bathed in blue shadows as you look up.

“What was that?”

“We will stay here. I’m sure it is nothing,” he says, and you nod. Something bites at your stomach and you look down at your chained ankles before glancing at the security camera in the corner of the room. “He does have beautiful eyes,” the soldier offers as a comfort and you chuckle. “My children have blue eyes.”

“You have children?” you ask with a wonderous grin. The idea of children has always been so far out of your mind that just the thought sends your mind into a flurry of possibilities. “How many?”

“Twins, a boy and a girl. They are three years old.” He’s extremely proud of it and you tilt your head up at him, your smile growing. “Albert and Ada.”

“That’s adorable. How long—” Your question is cut off by a violent scream, and your head jerks to the wall, the wall that separates you from Bucky. “What the hell was that?”

“Ma’am—” You stand up and he looks tentative to raise a gun towards you, but you’re too terrified to do anything else.

“That is not the sound of a man going through a psych eval.” The memories of the last time you confronted the Winter Soldier blazing through your mind, you shuffle around the table.

“Ma’am, sit down, or I will be forced to shoot.”

“Take these cuffs off of me, now.” You raise the silver chains to him, and he gazes at you apprehensively. You know, with enough effort, you could probably tear your wrists out, but you don’t want to hurt this man. “If what I think is happening is happening, you are not safe. The most dangerous man in history is just through that wall. You’re not going to be able to stop him.” When the man still hesitates, you let out a frustrated growl that’s punctured by another desperate scream. “Think of your wife, your children, and leave.”

You lift your cuffed hands again and you meet his gaze, dark brown almost black in the red lights. His mustache twitches before he lifts up the key. The mechanical cuffs click and release, a hiss of air escaping and you let out a relieved breath, tossing them aside while the soldier ducks to unlock the ones around your ankles.

As soon as the manacles unlock, you’re stepping out of them, your legs unusually heavy. You feel as if you’re swimming through molasses, flinging open the door and running to the room next to yours.

“Bucky!”

The pounding against glass, like a drumbeat, shatters your skull and you rush into the room, spotting a man holding a red book slowly pacing around the glass cage. Bucky’s fist is slamming against the glass, his head hanging low as he lets out a low groan of pain. At your entry, the man looks up and frowns, as if you are a mere nuisance, and your blood chills at the sight of that book in his hands. Red leather and a printed black star. H.Y.D.R.A.

“You don’t know what you’re doing,” you breathe, carefully approaching the man and he flips pages in the red book, eyes not straying from yours.

“Oh, I understand completely the consequences of my actions, and they are intended to rip them apart.” His finger settles on a line on the page and you watch him warily. Bucky leans against the cell door, and you edge towards him slowly. If you can just put yourself between the two and get him out—

“Angel, go,” he croaks breathlessly. You do not listen. “No, you have to. There are words—“

“Step away from the patient, Doctor,” the man says softly, arrogantly. “I do not wish to harm you.”

“You don’t know what you’re doing.”

“I do.” His eyes flicker to the page. “Angel of death,” he enunciates slowly in Russian, and you’re rooted to the spot as his eyes finally lift off the page. “An apt name for what you could’ve become.”

“Stop.” You ache to forget. You almost do sometimes, and sometimes, it is all you know. “That’s not who I am.”

“Ah, so you do know.”

“Get out of here. Please, go—”

“Unfortunately, I cannot have what I want unless she is out of my way.” You’ve almost reached Bucky’s cell, and your fingers stretch for the handle. The doctor doesn’t stop you, merely looks at you as if committing your image to memory, but not in a fond way. In a way for science: you’re nothing more than a test subject, a data point. Bile crawls up your throat at the thought. “Malady.”

Your brain short circuits. The smell of burning skin sinks into your sinuses and the agony that speared itself into your temples as they shocked your past out of you returns tenfold yet quaintly numb. Something inside your head unwinds, your feral rage you’ve locked away growling in anticipation.

“Three.”

Your whole body is sluggish as you try to work against the voices in your head to give in to the temptation. Pushing yourself against Bucky’s cell, you slam your fist into the glass. It cracks underneath your knuckles.

“Stop!”

“Brimstone.”

The smell of sulphur, the grime beneath your nails. You can taste the still water they shoved towards you, the vomit burning the back of your throat. Voice hoarse, skin slick with oil and sweat. Hell on earth. Your next punch comes weaker, and your knees begin to tremble as the voice in your head grows louder.

The feral rage pokes its head from the shadows, licks its bloody muzzle. It’s starving.

“Longing.”

It slams itself against the metal cages of your mind. Closing your eyes, you collapse against the glass and sink to the floor. You try to ignore his voice, the firm order to his accented German, but the words still sink into your head as if these are welcomed.

“Eternity.”

A hollowness, the weight of your heart wilting in your chest, the unending agony of searching for someone you don’t even know exists, causes you to let out a soft moan. It aches to feel it all at once, to plunge into a darkness you’ve clawed your way out of, and you want to scream, release the knot in your chest. You feel like you can’t breathe—

“Stop!” Bucky’s voice, terribly hoarse as he shouts through the glass sounds so far away and you raise your head to the wretched light. A breath pries its way out of your throat. “No!”

“Nightfall.”

A terrified scream wrenches its way through your throat and you claw at your wrists, eyes unseeing. There are cuffs—Zola is chaining you to the table because you’re thrashing too much. Lurching, you scream for Bucky, your mind unravelling as everything surges back to you. You are in that Austrian prison again, shivering against a bony body. The clamp of the machine against your head digs into your skull and you reach up to your hair. Electricity runs underneath your skin.

Fistfuls of hair bunch between your fingers as you tug, your stomach turning at the rawness of the injections running through your veins. The blood curdles in your head and you pitch forward, head pressing against the concrete floor. You slip away, your vision spattered with stars. The cage creaks under the force of your rage, still chained back but just barely. The metal is rusted, and as the man speaks, you hear it purr in satisfaction. These words are gifts to the animal inside, a fuel to its fire, and the voice sneers, obey, obey, obey.

Repeat after me, soldat.

Ready to comply.

Again.

Ready to comply.

Again.

Я готов отвечить

.

You wake up in a prison cell, your body aching and your throat raw, and you feel like you’ve been charged by a hundred rhinos as your neck sets itself on fire in pain. Trying to narrow your eyes on the side of your neck, you crane your head to spot the giant, blooming purple mark on your throat.

Your skin is red, split with dried blood and bruised. Your lips tremble as you work through each muscle and you let out a soft hiss as you look up at the metal wall. Your reflection is haunting, warped beyond compare.

The blue jumpsuit hangs off your frame, your arms locked together with maximum security handcuffs that are just little more than holes in a big block of titanium. You stand up uneasily, your arms dropping heavily, and approach the bars.

You’re in a circular shaped room, cells just like yours in the wall. Within five of them are Avengers you’ve read or know, and you search for Bucky as one of the guys notices you’re awake. Clint is leaning against the glass, staring at you with a deadly focus from across the room.

“Hey, Doc.”

You don’t respond. Your throat is raw, and it tastes like metal as you send him a nod before continuing your survey of the surroundings. You lean forward, eyes scanning the other empty cells and you notice with a heart wrenching lurch that there are at least two cells between you and the next inmate.

What have I done?

There’s a single door, cameras at every angle. The only other female in the room, a girl, sits in the corner of her cell with her arms strapped to her as she stares up at the camera. The Scarlet Witch.

You turn away, sliding down to the floor with a sigh. Your head is pounding. Closing your eyes, you try to soothe your raging thoughts as you lean against the wall, but your back protests when you move too sharply.

You hear the gears in the doors turn before it opens, and you open your eyes again to see Tony stride in. A wave of shame washes over you once you catch sight of a bruise blooming on his eye and his arm in a sling. It’s searing cold as he stops in the middle of the room, soaking it all in as you are still trying to do. Did I… do that?

“The Futurist, gentlemen!” Clint’s loud clapping pierces your eardrums and you squeeze your eyes tight, twisting away from the center of the room. “The Futurist is here! He sees all! He knows what’s best for you whether you like it or not.” The words are dripping with bitter sarcasm and you suppress a growl.

“Shut your mouth, Barton,” you call, your voice grating on your own ears. You tuck your knees to your chest, your titanium cuffed hands in your lap. Your stomach is churning and every shift causes a dull ache. You simply stare into your lap, sore neck arching, and wonder if he’s safe. Wonder who you’ve hurt—how could this have happened?

His footsteps stop before your cell.

“How’re you feeling?”

“Did I do that?” you ask quietly, unable to even look at him. Tony’s sigh reaches your ears, but you can’t tear yourself away from staring at where you know your fingers are, encased because they’re dangerous—you’re dangerous.

“It was Barnes. Are you okay?”

Turning to Tony, you feel so small under his gaze, so pathetic. You’ve always wanted to be strong for him, but the way your mind feels—decimated, torn to shreds—you can’t help but release a shuddering breath in response.

“Whatever he did, it wasn’t him. Please don’t punish him for it.”

“I won’t,” Tony says, and you look up into his eyes. He has Maria’s eyes. “Look, I got them to transfer you to a psych facility in New York,” he adds, tapping on his watch before expanding on an image. He shows it to you and you lean forward, squinting. On the screen says: I know where Barnes is. “Great faculty and staff. You’ll be transported in ten, fifteen minutes? Happy’s overseeing everything, but it’s good to see you awake.” A swipe and the screen shifts. Ping my location once you get on the chopper. “It should run smoothly.”

“What happened with everyone else?” you murmur under your breath, and Tony sighs.

“Ran into some people at an airport in Leipzig.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah.” He reaches through the bars but you jerk back, swallowing. Angel of death. “What was that back there? I never knew—”

“I didn’t know either. I suspected it, but they wiped memories, tortured us in so many ways, I guess I thought it was a nightmare.” Your eyes flutter shut at the agony that had splintered you apart, and you press your back against the wall, resting your blocked hands on top of your knees. Something inside you pulses unnaturally. “How many people—”

“Don’t do that to yourself. It wasn’t your fault.”

“I barely got to the sixth word before I lost control, Tony.” Your eyes flash to his and his lips press together as you push yourself up. Ragged and exhausted, your skin is not your own. You’ve slipped someone else’s on—a someone you left behind the minute you found Bucky again. Murderer.

“Probably Dad’s work fucking with the programming,” Tony mumbles before raising his voice again. “Natasha and Sharon Carter worked to take you down before you could do any more damage, but Carter ended up with a bruised face, tailbone, and a few other scratches. A shattered hand and wrist. She caught one of your punches before Natasha got in a good blow. Widow’s Bite to the carotid.” When you don’t reply, your godson touches the bars with gentle fingers. “I’ve got to go, but I promise I’ll see you later.” You nod, and his hand falls away from the bars as he walks away. You watch him go, eyes trained on his back, before sitting down on the bed and passing time by staring at the wall and thinking.

When Happy escorts you out of what you now realize is the Raft, your chest deflates at the chopper waiting for you.

When you lift off and the Raft is nothing more than a speck in the waves, Happy unzips the black bag at your feet to reveal all that you need, and he relays the instructions, keeping his eyes steadily on his datapad as you change out of your blue jumpsuit. Changing into a long sleeve thermal shirt, you pull it snug over your chest before pushing your feet through pants.

“Tony’s heading for Siberia,” Happy begins, and you glance up from where you’re lacing up your boots. They’re sturdy, hard, and you juggle your weight from one ball of the foot to the other, trying to work them in. “We’re dropping you off in Bucharest to pick up that quinjet. F.R.I.D.A.Y. will upload coordinates when you start her up.” Grabbing a bulletproof vest, you slip it over your head and begin to velcro it tight. Your insides are twisted and you fight to keep your expression calm as you crouch down to examine the assault rifle. “Ma’am?” You glance up.

“Yes?”

“Good luck.”

Your smile feels grimmer than death. “Thank you, Happy.”

.

“Howard… Howard!”

Maria’s voice echoes in your ear, the tape playing over and over again, as you scramble over a small edge of the facility. You’d watched it once before it reran itself, and you couldn’t hold back the bruising in your chest at the vision of your lover beating to death a man you trusted for decades.

Everything around you is collapsed debris, the smell of electricity and smoke plunging into your sinuses. Dust stirs with your every step and you glance around as a force pulls you towards the silo. Ground up cement and grey snow is still falling gently down and you look up to see the hatch closed before a scream tears your attention away.

Beneath the grate, you hear the wind howling, the sound of a repulsor firing. Shouting echoes through the silo. There is a whine of warning, the crunch of metal, and then blast. Your heart leaps into your throat and you glance around to see if there’s a quicker way to get down than merely jumping.

There isn’t.

You take a deep breath and jump to the ledge just opposite, lower than your starting point. The metal trembles beneath your feet and you freeze for a second as it stabilizes, and then jump again. There’s the sick hammering of metal, clunk, clunk, clunk, and you swallow a breath, glancing down at how far down the bottom is.

The clunking fades, and you steel yourself for the sensation of freefalling.

You don’t give a damn about however many feet are between you and the floor, and you jump. Only one thought is on your mind.

Tony. Tony’s in danger. Tony—

Your fingers wrap around the grip of your rifle, your knees bending at the shockwave of pain that rolls up your legs. Rolling onto your side, you feel your battered body nearly give in, your neck protesting violently at the sudden jerk of your head as something lands with a thud. Your mind is a whirlwind of scenarios, of what you’ll find, and you force yourself to continue the roll until you get onto our knees, whipping up the rifle without a second of hesitation.

“Stand down, now.” You don’t recognize your voice—harsh, flat, cold—as it echoes and escapes into the Siberian winds. Steve sits on top of Tony, his shield poised in the air as he stares openly at you in shock. Your godson looks at you in utter relief, his face bruised and gashed, bleeding. Bleeding.

Have you caused this outcome? Is this what you’ve done?

You have felt guilt before—it is something you have learned to live with—but this is different, seeing Tony no more than a little boy in the eyes, an anguish in his gaze that reminds you of the first time he asked you if Howard did love him. The memory alone makes your throat cinch shut.

Your back is screeching at the strain, but you merely aim your weapon steadily at Steve as you slide down the ramp. Your eyes barely lift off of his to the black mass laying still on the ground, and your heart nearly jumps out of your mouth when you see a glint of silver, the sparks of wires.

Eyes narrowed down your sight, you walk slowly until you stand right beside Steve, the gun muzzle pointed right at his temple. Steve’s audible pants rattle in your ear as you kick him off Tony, launching him against a sloped column with a painful gasp.

Crouching, you drop your gun and help Tony stand up. He holds back a groan with a clenched teeth. His arm, around your neck, pushes down to steady himself and you hoist him up as you pull him away from Steve. His armor clanks, his movements slow and dragging, and you inhale sharply as you watch Steve slowly get to his feet.

Wiping at blood that smears his cheek, he picks up the shield and begins to limp to Bucky. Tony lurches forward, and you can taste the anger in your mouth—sour, bitter with grief—as he yells himself hoarse and you barely hold him back as his words ring in your ears. 

“That shield doesn’t belong to you. You don’t deserve it. My father made that shield!”

Tony lets out a painful gasp, pitching forward. Your hand presses against his chest, feeling the hum of the arc reactor as you push him back up, and you swallow at the hollow ring of the shield colliding with cement and stone. As Tony stumbles from one foot to another on the spot, you watch Steve pull Bucky up.

“So?” Steve asks quietly, and your eyebrows knit together as he turns to you for a moment. There is no animosity, just a blank look.

“So, what?” It is your turn to be angry. It’s a hot, raging thing that shoves up your esophagus, and your words spit hot. “You expect me to go with you after you tried to kill my family?”

“Bucky’s not going to be safe. We need to find a place for him to hide,” Steve murmurs, and the most incredulous laugh pries its way out of your mouth. You feel Tony’s glare weigh heavily at Steve, still too heartbroken to say any more than what he’s already said, and you glance at him, the image of his bloodied defeat printing itself into your head. “It’s going to be easier if you’re with us.” Bucky raises his head weakly, blood streaming down from his broken nose, and your heart splits at the soft glow of his eyes.

No, he seems to say, even through the pain of losing his arm. Don’t come. Even if it means we have to leave each other again. A sweat is starting to gather at his brow, and he’s still struggling to breathe, and as much as you want to run to him, you don’t. You hold Tony up just as Steve holds Bucky up, and you realize it then that you are a mirror image of Captain America. You will always choose the person who is somehow, and always will be, more important than the other, no matter the personal cost.

No matter the splintering of souls.

Please don’t make me choose.

I could never do that to you.

Your palms are sweating, your eyes trained, and your heart is wild in your throat as you whisper with a fury untamed. “How dare you make me choose between the son I chose and the man I love? How dare you bring this on us?”

“On us,” Steve repeats quietly, almost mockingly if not for the way his eyes seem to fall, if not for the way it all seems to pull him down then. “Yeah, this whole thing’s on us because you didn’t tell Tony either.”

Frigid waves crash down over you, extinguishing your rage as Tony stiffens, and you stare at Steve, shock blocking your ability to speak. Steve’s whole body caves inward, and then he turns away. Bucky’s eyes linger for as long as they can, a silent, loving apology, and you merely soak in his broken gaze before he’s trudging away. Your bones splinter under the weight of a world placed on your shoulders again.

There he walks away from you again, and you must play your waiting game.

Tony doesn’t ask questions until you’re both on the quinjet.

“So you knew?” he asks, his temper a quiet thing. It’s simmering beneath his skin and you grip the controls until your palms sweat. “How long?”

“Two years. I had my doubts since it happened, but he confirmed it two years ago after the spill in Washington.”

“Two years.”

“Tony—”

“So, you chose him anyway. When it mattered, you chose him.” Swiveling the chair, you stand up and look at Tony who you’ve patched up as well as he’d let you. His laceration isn’t stitched yet, but you’ve managed to tape the minor scratches shut, and he’s holding an ice pack to his swollen face. His bashed armor lays on the strategy table, and you glance at the hollow thing for a moment, trying to gather the right words.

“I just wanted to be selfish,” you admit quietly, looking at Tony again. He’s staring at you with wet, dark eyes, and you lower your head in shame. “I wanted to be happy.”

“No matter what it meant for the people around you?” he asks, and his words don’t need to be blunt or sharp for them to be harsh.

“I’m sorry.” You tentatively sit beside him, and you swallow. There is a distance between you and Tony that you don’t know how to cross. “I knew it then, and I know it now, that it was wrong, keeping it a secret from you, but I thought it was his story to tell, and he asked me not to say anything.”

“So, you chose him,” he concludes again, and you nod. You want to touch his shoulder, his knee, some kind of comforting pat but you know he will flinch away based on how coiled up his body is.

“I did, but I choose you now. And I promise I’ll always be here for you, no matter what. Even if you hate me. Even if you never want to see me again. I can’t ever say how sorry I am that I kept this from you, and—” Blood tracks down his temple, a slow, languid trail that drives you crazy. You grab a clean, moist towel from the table and wring it between your hands, small droplets landing between your boots. You glance from the white cloth to Tony, who’s still quiet— “Tony, you’re still bleeding.” His eyes search your face, and you meet his despairingly. You’re hollow, chock full of what ifs.

“Growing up, you were the only person I talked to about everything,” he says quietly, and your eyebrows rise in surprise. His voice is dulled, near to breaking. “Not even J knew some of the stuff I told you. You just understood everything so easily, and I never understood why when I was little. It was when Mom and Dad died did I get why you could pinpoint how confused I felt, how hard it was. Because of him.”

He pauses to look at you, and you nod, your lips pressing together in a sorrowful smile. “Because of him.”

“You know, even when I was little, I used my Christmas and birthday wishes on you.”

“On me?” you repeat, your smile waning and growing again, and he nods earnestly, his lips pressed together in an effort to squish his tentative smile.

“I just wanted you to be happy like Dad used to say you were. Guess that meant the Sarge had to come back, so I asked Santa if I was extra nice, if he could bring people back from the dead. That was before Dad told me Santa wasn’t real, and that I was too old to be believing in those things, but I fell into the habit again after they died. You know, wishing for the dead to come back to life. Guess my wishes got mixed up between Santa and Satan.”

“I taught you that,” you whisper, and his smile, just barely, lights up his face at the memory. “I told you Santa and Satan were brothers and if you were naughty, Satan would come and eat you up.”

“Yeah.” He lowers his ice pack, hand reaching to wipe away the blood but you catch him before he does, offering the rag again. He merely leans forward and you smile, tinged with exhaustion. It was his way as a boy to tell you he wanted your hug, by putting his chin on any part of you and pouting like a puppy with those dark eyes. Except now, he merely closes his eyes and seeks the comfort of his mother.

A comfort you can’t give him, but you’ll damn well try to come close to.

“I’m sorry for hurting you, Tony,” you whisper, gently swiping the blood away from his face. “I never wanted to do that.”

“I know.” Not forgiveness, not yet. “I just want you to be happy, auntie.”

“I know.” You gently rub his forehead before wrapping your other arm around him. His own snake around your waist and you embrace him tightly, eyes closing as he melts into you. “It’s okay.” His shoulders shudder beneath your palms, and you kiss his hair, eyes closing. You press your cheek against his skull. “When you’re ready, I’m gonna stitch you up, okay? Fix you up.” A shaky nod. You run your hand up and down his spine as he raises his head to suck in a lungful of cold air, and with Tony’s head on your shoulder, you wonder where Bucky is now.

You hope it is somewhere where he can rest, even if it means he never sees you again. Is this what you fought for? Killed for? Your peace only to be shattered by something out of your control?

Two years is better than nothing at all, a quiet voice tells you, and as you stitch Tony’s cut, you tell yourself you can be happy knowing he’s safe, but even that, you don’t know.

“You’re thinking about him, aren’t you?” your godson asks as you pull the final thread through. He’s been studying you rather intensely for the past fifteen minutes and you don’t answer. Cutting the thread, you clear your throat and put away your supplies, pulling off your gloves.

“I’m just thinking about what we’re going to do when we get home,” you reply lightly.

You can tell Tony doesn’t like your answer by the twitch of his lip but he doesn’t bother to pick a fight and picks up a handheld mirror you left next to him to check out his new stitches.

“A lot of cleanup with Ross,” he says, “and you probably don’t want to go to that psych facility.”

“I don’t.”

“Thought so. I can probably negotiate something about that, set you up with a personal psychiatrist. We’ll get you a room at the compound; it’s been a while since you were home.”

Your smile is tentative as you zip up your medicinal bag, and you narrow your eyes at the sunlight that streams through the windows. An outline of a city cast in gold is in the distance as you approach the pilot’s seat once again. You try to fight off the disappointment, the hurt. You always dreamed you’d come back here with Bucky one day.

“I won’t get mad at you for thinking about the man you love, auntie,” Tony whispers when you land at the compound, and you nod to yourself, closing your eyes at the memory of the last time you were in here, flying to Bucharest two years ago. Bucky’s gentle hand on your shoulder as he coaxed you into letting him take over. Tony kisses your cheek and you open your eyes as the ramp lowers, and you get up, shaking yourself of the memory.

Wherever Bucky is, you know one way or another your paths will cross again, whether you search for him or not, and the stirring in your restless soul tells you rather that it will be sooner rather than later.

[s-n-a-k-e-p-i-t]

so i picked up an ember in the ashes at the library this afternoon and i just finished it...

also i made friends with the librarians, they were so so so so nice to me and the one even walked me over to the YA section when I asked for directions and she was like “honestly I basically live in this section, i hope you find what you’re looking for.” honestly, cannot wait to go back tomorrow and be like hello it’s me i found exactly that because I’m done and need the rest of the series ASAP! But it was so great, they were also so shocked that I, a 24 year old young person, was interested and EXCITED to get a library card and i was definitely about to cry with how excited I was and I just love meeting people who GET THAT. 

anyWAY SPOILERS FOR AN EMBER IN THE ASHES BELOW

Okay, first of all, I actually really liked Helene’s character and I was totally shipping her with Elias from the beginning. I mean, homegirl is a fucking badass--only girl besides the Commandant--in the school, totally holds her own and can defend herself. (I mean there’s the whole brainwashed into violence and following orders thing) but like they make a really good fucking team and I honestly did feel a little bad for her bc yeah she was like this dude’s number 1 for years and then someone else just came along... AND YES I KNOW THIS PLOT IS SO OVERUSED OR WHATEVER BUT I HAVEN’T LIKED THE CHILDHOOD LOVE INTEREST SINCE GALE IN THE HUNGER GAMES SO LIKE CUT ME SOME SLACK-- and i know yall aren’t going to give me slack for picking Gale over Peeta, believe me my whole life has been torture because of that stance, just save your breath.... 

But in the same regards, I also liked Keenan’s character and his whole Laia romance thingy. It’s nice when characters develop other relationships and slowly find their way to one another. Adds to the burn, and we all know I like a slow burn. 

I was so so thankful to be back in first person after reading The Night Circus earlier this week.... I just really enjoy being directly implanted in the character’s heads and especially for a book that went back and forth between the two perspectives and then intertwining them, I was thankful for that insight. 

I’m not going to lie though, the beginning had me pushing through a bit and I get it, again, this world needed so much exposition to really explain who was who and how they got to where they were... and starting off with the raid was great, but again, sometimes I just need to simmer in the world for roughly 100 pages before I start to become immersed in it. It’s very rare that I’m hooked off the bat, but I also like to give everything a chance, so ya know! in this case it worked! At first I thought I’d one and done this book, but now I’m super curious as to where the rest of the series is going to read so you can bet your bottom dollar I’ll be tearing through it on my DAY OFF TOMORROW!!!!! Can’t wait. 

I also could’ve seen Elias’ secret tunnel (secret tunneeeeeeel, secret tunnneeeeeel) being aid to them later in the story, called the fact that she could bring it to Mazen and then when that failed, that they would eventually escape through it, but oh well, I love me a secret tunnel and it’s nice bc Elias really did spend a lot of time digging it so I’m really glad all that work didn’t go to nothing. 

Um also I love Laia’s transformation. I often feel like even timid characters are like yeah I’m going to fight, but I really loved Laia’s struggle with cowardice and fear. I liked seeing her debate with herself of what to do, having her brother’s voice in her head guiding her, asking herself what her parents would do and if she would even live up to that. It was all refreshing in a way because I feel like that period in other books either doesn’t exist or is very short lived, like maybe a chapter. I liked that the first book of this series is solely her trying to figure out if she wants to save or be saved. I also just really like her in general, she’s spunky but I also like that she doesn’t annoy me... you know what I’m saying? If you read YA you get me, right? 

Also was a fan of the fact that they’re not 17 (at least they didn’t read like that, I’m feeling like early twenties, IDK maybe I’m wrong). I mean I am all for 17 year olds freaking out about which guy to choose and then having to save the world I. EAT. THAT. SHIT. UP!!!! But with darker themes mentioned in this book, I did enjoy the level up on the age spectrum. 

But yeah, overall I was pleasantly surprised by this book. I had seen a tiktok saying that it was disappointing and a DNF for that particular reader, but honestly couldn’t be me. Yeah, tad slow at the beginning, there’s a lot to understand to understand the brutality of this reality, but I mean I’m glad I stuck with it, because those last 200 pages, oooooooh boy they flew by. 

I’m interested to see where Elias’ and Laia’s relationship goes in terms of *wiggles eyebrows* their chemistry, because boy oh boy i am hereeeeee for it. Especially since so much of this book was like her: I HATE YOU him: her golden eyes were looking at me and that’s all that matters... and they’ll both be in new positions in this world and I’m interested to see them navigate it.

Do recommend if anyone is questioning it! (not that you’d read this all and then be like oh maybe i should after I literally just told you EVERYTHING) but whatever! And as always, I am always down for discussions, especially since I’m tearing through books right now and my friends are like we can’t keep up pls emily stop. hahaha sucks for them, escapism for the win! ok goodnight, gotta sleep so I can wake up and start storm and fury while waiting for my pick ups to be ready!!!!!

xoxoxox

[jinfilms]

@moonchildjunoon​ mars tagged me in the ‘get to know me’ and ‘50 questions’ tags (thank u sweetheart!!! i love these hehe) let’s go~

get to know me tag >

name: hannah

birthday: may 7

zodiac sign: taurus

height: 5′8″

hobbies: photoshop, drawing 

favorite color(s): pink, blue, black

top 3 (friend)ships: jungkook and hoseok, yoongi and hoseok, jin and yoongi~ da boys 🥺

lipstick or chapstick?: chapstick pls

last book: expose me :( uhh idr the last one that wasn’t a manga honestly so in that case i think it was dungeon meshi or dorohedoro

currently reading: dunmesh (ongoing) 

last song: i like that by janelle monae

last movie: to all the boys i’ve loved before i think ? its been a while omg

inspiration for muse: oh tbh i don’t think i feel inspired by things a lot of the time :( i suppose i take a lot of inspo from my peers but not through anything interesting like music or smthn

dream job: florist maybe ... 

meaning behind my URL: just taetae :3

for this one i’d like to tag @btsaudge​ and @yoonmochiiii​  ♡ ♡ ♡

50 questions >

What colors is your hairbrush? light purple

What food would you never eat? fish 

Are you usually hot or cold? hot :(

What did you do 45 minutes ago? i was cooking a sandwich :0 spam and egg and cabbage

Favorite chocolate? milk

Have you ever been to a professional sports event? nope

What was the last thing you said out loud? uhh i think i said “no thank you” when my mom offered my a mozzarella stick lol

Favorite ice cream flavor? strawberry maybe... i don’t eat a lot of ice cream

What was the last thing you drank? coffee currently

What kind of wallet do you have? a dark purple kate spade wallet

What was the last thing you ate? my sandwich!!!

Did you buy clothes last weekend? yes...i ordered from yesstyle which was so stupid of me bc i didn’t realize they probably can’t ship here right now... :( i’m an idiot

What was the last sports event you saw? i don’t think i’ve watched a live sports event since high school which was probably a tennis match i was participating in lol

Who was the last person you texted? 

Do you like camping? not really :(

Do you eat vitamins? djsjdsdj no i wish these questions would stop exposing me for being lazy!!!

When was the last time you travelled? i went to montreal a few years ago and i wanna go back!!

Do you like sunbathing? no i wanna protect my skin

Asian or Italian food? asian but nothing w fish... i’m picky either way

Do you drink soda? no. naste

What color socks are you wearing now? no socks~

When was the last time you were speeding? i don’t speed >:(

What are you afraid of? heights

What can you see if you turn left? just my dresser

What kind of housework you like the least? cleaning the bathroom...thinking of pulling hair out of the shower drain...ugh

What is the first thing you think of when you hear someone talking in a language you don’t know? usually it’s while i’m at work and i get nervous and guilty bc it feels like i can’t help them to the best of my ability :( not counting kpop or kdramas ofc because duh

Do you sleep on your back or side? back bc i can’t breathe on my side :(

You crave fast food, where do you go? hmm taco bell...quesarito :)

What is your lucky number? 3, 9

Who was the last person you talked to? my mom

Do you eat meat? yes

What was the last song you listened? i’m listening to interlude : shadow rn !

Last book? not this again omg

What is your favourite day of the week? whatever day i don’t have work lol

Do you know the alphabet song backwards? no wtf

Favorite coffee/tea? iced caramel macchiato... or a cold brew... green tea 

Favourite shoes? prob just my white slip on vans bc they’ll go with most outfits...i don’t like having to think too hard about clothes

When do you usually go to sleep? uhh any time between midnight and like. 5 am jfksdjlfdlk ugh

When do you usually wake up? i don’t like to sleep past noon ever but never at the same time every day

Sunrise or sunset? sunset

Do you like your bed soft or hard? hard

Describe the plate you are eating from? plain white plate w cherry blossoms painted on it 

Your favorite type of alcohol? i’m only 20!!! :|

Do you like board games? yes hehe

If you had a car, what kind would it be? i don’t care about cars...save the earth use public transport idk idk i don’t have one anyway

Do you know how to change car tires? nop :(

Dream country? hmm maybe one w a pretty countryside like france 

If you could choose from any jobs in the world, what would you like to do? still a florist...i wanna go around handing out flowers and make pretty bouquets for my future wife/partner

What would you like to try to do? And what is stopping you? id like to hold hobi’s hand but we’re in quarantine so i cant :/ it sucks...

for the 50 questions tag i want to tag @angtaelic​ @hansjisung​ @baehyungs​ and @yoonkitty​ 

if i tagged u in either of these games please don’t feel pressured to~ i hope u guys are having a good monday! ♡ i love u lots!!!  ♡

[demaury]

boys online. prologue. (social media influencers au)

7916. 124. 10. These are the numbers that define Eliott and Lucas’ relationship, either they want it or not. 7916 kilometers between them, from Paris to Vancouver. 124 days since they first said ‘I love you’ last spring. And nearly 10 hours, until… well, until they meet for the first time. (ao3)

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18.10.12

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18.10.22

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18.11.05

18.11.21

hey, you okay??

                                               i was doing just fine

                    then my appendix gave up on me 😬

ow shit that sucks :/

how u doing now?

                  better than this morning that's for sure

                                                    i'm a bit dizzy tho

get some rest

i promise you’ll feel better tomorrow

                                                      u better be right

18.11.21

                                    are congrats in order? 😉

what? why?

                                          your girlfriend’s story

so now you’re stalking my gf too 👀

                  she popped up in my suggestions 😂

                 i didn’t even know she was your gf tbh

             so? bringing a lil monster into this world?

jeez no, thank god 💀 

tho technically i'm supposed to be

an uncle?

                                                           your side?

nah, lucille’s

i live in the constant fear that someone

ask me to hold any kind of relevance 

in their life the horror 

                                      they aren’t even born yet

                                don’t be so full of yourself 😂

kids like me for some reason

dogs too

                                                   and you don’t?

never had either so, not really 

                                   your gf seems excited tho

she is yeah. A bit much if you

ask me but that’s just how she

is in general i guess

18.12.06

Eliott Demaury would like to facetime.

18.12.14

19.01.18

Lucas Lallemant would like to facetime.

19.01.21

19.01.30

                                                        u there?

yup

                           so you’re an uncle now? 😉

                                        i saw lucille’s post

i guess so

maybe?

idk

                                                       u okay?

we’re like, in a break or something

it’s complicated and tbh i'm fed up with 

complicated

               you’re not sure whether your want

           your relationship to work out or to go 

                                           down in flames?

something like that yeah

i mean i still have feelings for her but

i'm not sure how much is genuine and 

how much is, like, the force of habits

we’re going round in circles

                         how long have you guys been

                                                    dating btw?

almost six years

                                                                 oof

               my longest relationship so far lasted

                 for two months and i was 14 and in 

                                            the closet rip me

jake seems nice tho

                                     yeah he’s adorable 💕

19.02.06

Lucas Lallemant

Missed Facetime Call (2)

19.02.27

19.03.11

hey

                                                           hi!!

                                     how are you? 😊

fine, you?

                                                    fine too

                i’m shooting and rehearsing at

              the same time, i'm exhauuusted

oh, yeah, i'm sorry i didn’t give 

you any feedback for your last

cover things got complicated 

here for a while

                                don’t worry it’s okay!

                     nothing too serious though?

no it’s fine now

i got back with lucille btw

we talked about stuff and it’s 

better now

           that’s cool (: i'm glad for you guys

what about u?

                          nothing groundbreaking

and your anniversary?

last time we talked you were going

on a weekend with jake

            jake and i aren’t together anymore

shit what happened?

              he just wasn’t it you know but it’s

                  fine it’s been like a month now

sorry i wasn’t there

                                                       dooon’t

                     i’m the one who broke up tbh

yeah but still

19.03.13

Eliott Demaury

Missed Facetime Call (1)

19.03.24

LUCAS

LUCAS WAKE UP

i've got good news

                u know it’s not 6 in the morning

                                                  here right

that’s why i said ‘wake up’

let’s facetime

                  i literally just woke up you don’t

                             wanna see my ugly face

shut up and pick up, ur always cute

19.04.04

19.04.05

                idk when you’ll wake up or when you’ll 

              see this but i just wanted to tell you that

                                    it was amazing to see you 

                       and like, i hope we will get another 

                                   occasion to meet in person

                                                     emo hours smh

                                         anyway, good night 💗

19.05.18

                   pls don’t ever end up on the wrong

                                                 side of the tracks

?

                         i’m fucking dead after last night

😂😂

you liked that movie

and you loved hearing me complain

                                                                   i did

                             my sleep schedule didn’t tho

                      i’ll die from sleep deprivation just

                     bc i want to spend some time with

                                               a Parisian weirdo

yeah but you love your Parisian weirdo

                                                                     i do

                           but you’ve got that stupid face

                                and i can never tell you ‘no’

               hence why i’m begging you to stay on

                                     the good side of the law

               bc you’d convince me to rob a bank in

                 two minutes and i can’t afford to end

                                                              up in jail

you’re too cute for jail

                                                                exactly

it’s okay i can’t afford either 😉

next time i’ll be pulling an all-nighter

               it means i get to choose the movie? 😏

i’m scared

you’ve got terrible taste

                    it will give you something to criticize

                                            while we’re watching

19.05.24

corey_lulakk lucas looks like he wanna die lol

missmanon he’s fed up with third-wheeling 😂

19.05.28

can i call you

                                                          everything okay?

yes

no

i broke up with lucille

i really need to talk to you

                                                                            sure

                              wait i’m searching for a quiet spot

                                                             alright let’s go

Eliott Demaury would like to facetime

19.06.02

[kyufiber-moved]

do you have any web kdrama recs? I'll do a trade and recommend Banana Actually- the whole series is 20 minutes long (at most) very good, digestible, and has some ~good~ kiss scenes.

i’ll check it out!! i do have lots of webdrama recs hehe ^^ i recommended most of them yesterday but here is a larger list of only webdramas !! it’s kinda long, so i put a keep reading !!

like- a korean webdrama that you can find on youtube starring kim yu an, kim kangmin (maybe, maybe not), yoo jungwoo (love after school), and seo ji hye- about a group of students who create a film club to make youtube videos and the dumb shit they get into, plus there’s some romance, betrayal, and fuckboys.- so so so so cute honestly. the dynamic between the characters of the club is so cute and funny, plus the love triangle has me wheezing. also the asshole fuckboy gets what he deserves which is super satisfying. it hasn’t finished airing yet, but so far it’s really cute

failing in love- korean webdrama  you can find on youtube starring son sang yeon (triple fling), yang hye ji, and shin yoon seop- about a group of high schoolers who deal with falling in love, crushes, rejection, etc.- ok so the summary i gave was pretty vague but that’s because any more and i’d be exposing the whole plot. there is humor and fluff but also teenage angst, and the characters are all more complex than they first appear. i would highly recommend this show !!!

want more 19- a short webdrama you can find on youtube starring jung ha joon, sin gi hwan,  jeon yoo rim, nam yoon soo, and lee jungha- a story of 5 friends in high school. A mutual crush, a one-sided love, and a rough patch for sweethearts, all taking place right around the end their senior year- OH GOD i can’t breathe this drama is so cute. it had me squealing every single episode, and it’s very lighthearted with hardly any angst

triple fling (s1)- a short choose-your-own-ending  korean webdrama on youtube starring jung bomin, son sangyeon (failing in love), themanblk’s jeongyou, and themanblk’s eom sewoong- lee sehee accidentally becomes friends with the three most popular boys in school and ends up in a love square with them- alright im whipped for stuff like this so naturally i loved it. i also really liked how viewers could choose their own ending as for which boy she chose. there is a second season that i haven’t seen yet that focuses on another girl in ANOTHER love square (containing one of the guys from sehee’s love square) in which it shows which boy she actually did choose (and it was my favorite so . yay!)

when you love yourself (s1)- a short webdrama you can find on youtube starring jung mingyu (sweet revenge 2) and saet byeol .- about a girl who is heavier than her classmates who struggles with self-love and self-acceptance, and along the way finds love- god. i can’t even explain how much i loved this drama. the message is wonderful and there’s no moment where she glows up and loses weight and then gets the guy’s attention or anything: he simply loves her as who she is, no matter what weight she is, and is supportive. there’s also an episode that focuses on the queen bee girl who also struggles with weight and self-love and it’s just beautiful

my woofy poofy love / my dog-like dating- a short korean webdrama you can find on youtube starring chae ji an and kim do hoon (your imagination becomes reality)- a girl who has recently been cruelly dumped by her boyfriend brings a stray dog back to her home and wakes up to find that instead of a dog, there is a man! she happens to be looking for a roommate, and so this man (who can turn into a dog) becomes her new housemate- literally adorable. female lead is stunning and the relationship is so cute and fluffy and innocent, but the kiss is steamy as hell.

ok to be sensitive (s1)- a webdrama you can find on youtube starring kim da ye and kim youngdae (extraordinary you) and others im too lazy to put- focuses on feminist issues like sexism and sexual harassment in a college setting, which each episode focusing on one particular incident and the characters dealing with it- listen so like . this show had me emotional at some points bc of how amazing the message was. it dealt with sexual harassment, sexism, how females are expected to act, stalking, pressure to have sex… etc and basically every episode was like . you can stand up for yourself. you don’t have to “take it” just bc you’re a female, etc. also there was really cute romance uwu

ok to be sensitive (s2)- season 2 of otbs, also can be found on youtube, starring yoo hye in and lee shin young, as well as others but again im too lazy to list them all- same thing as season 1, but a different cast of main characters, and set in an office workplace. (original cast makes a cameo at the end)- the issues in season 2 were definitely a bit darker because it was set in a work place, where the main characters were worried about getting fired if they stood up for themselves, but the way things were handled was really admirable imo. also the male lead in this one is ABSOLUTELY adorable

go back diary- a 4 episode webdrama you can find on youtube starring kim ye ji and lee jong won (jaemin’s webdrama how to hate you)- about a boy who sees a girl at a karaoke bar (?) and instantly develops a crush on her. she then transfers to his school, and it tells the story of their love story after 10 years.- i’ll just say it right now. the whole drama was adorable except for the ending, which fucking sucked. literally was horrible. boycott episode 4 pls i was SO UPSET. otherwise, great webdrama

love after school (s1)- korean webdrama that can be found on youtube starring park so eun and yoo jungwoo (like)- about a couple who fell in love in high school and their story, told from 5 years later when they meet again- i love love love this bitch. LOVE. season 2 … we won’t speak of her lol. but season 1 is super cute and the ???? kiss at the end(ish)??? DEAD. literally anything with yoo jungwoo will destroy me but omg. it was fantastic

maybe, maybe not- a webdrama starring kim kangmin (like) and gong yoorim- a girl who can read minds and is an outside bc she knows what everyone is really thinking meets a guy that she can’t read the mind of- so fluffy. so cute. oh god. pls watch it’s so soft and cute

what to do with you- a korean webdrama - that is actually literally an ad for a facemask - starring lee hayoung and kim youngdae (extraordinary you)- saerom and geun are friends, but it feels like they’re something more. will they ever take the next step?- yeah this webdrama is super cute and that’s really all lol. also the bitchy girl in love after school is the best friend in this one oho

your imagination becomes reality- a webdrama that can be found on youtube starring oh se young, kim dohoon (my woofy poofy love), and jin ho eun- soram has a crush on a mysterious upperclassman, and wishes to see him again: she does, soon after. each time she makes a wish, it seems to magically come true. - yeah so like . it’s not a supernatural thing or anything, it’s just a cute college romance that’s basically every girl with a crush’s dream lol~! 

crushes reverse- webdrama on youtube starring kim shi eun (miss independant jieun s2) and jung hyojun- yoo somi has a huge crush on her older sister’s longtime boyfriend, and her best friend at school happens to be his younger brother- i find the beginning hard to watch bc of the second hand embarrassment i feel when i do watch it but . it has a super cute ending and the main girl reminds me of shin hye sun so much it’s wack 

how to hate you- webdrama starring nct’s jaemin, jim ji in (extraordinary you), lee jongwon (go back diary), and kim yoojin- oh miri meets her ideal type while working as a part-timer, but right before she’s about to confess, she realizes that he is her best friend’s mystery boyfriend. she asks han daekang, her new friend, to pretend to be her boyfriend for the time being. - the summary i gave was terrible but ITS RLY CUTE . also the main girl in this plays dan oh’s best friend / juda’s bully in extraordinary you and THE CHARACTERS ARE SO INCREDIBLY DIFFERENT DUDE . Legend. anyways its a bit cliche and we dont get any actual lip on lip action but its still cute lol

have a nice dessert! / drunk in good taste- drama special / webdrama starring kim hyanggi (sweet revenge 1; moment at 18) and kim mingyu (just between lovers ((as the crippled best friend’s anti fan turned romantic interest)))- chongnam loves desserts, and even has an instagram dedicated to taking photos of various deserts she eats. when her college life starts, she mistakes a classmate as an upperclassman, only to find out they’re the same age, and they become friends- listen . this shit was adorable. as when every single kim hyanggi drama, the kisses are cardboard flat and terrible but ! BUT ! the couple is super cute

a-teen (s1 & s2)- 2 season webdrama starring april’s naeun, shin yeeun (he is psychometric), shin seungho, kim donghee, kim soohyun, and ryu euihyun- about a group of friends who go through various troubles and grow closer as a group, as well as fall in love- ok so ... technically i haven’t even finished season 1 yet but !!! i know it’s a good show bc i did watch a lot of it !! plus in s1 episode 20 at 10:35 there’s a nomin cameo LOL SJKFSD there’s also a webdrama called “the guilty secret” i haven’t watched yet starring victon’s subin and others that is set at the same school as a-teen 1 and 2 and features the original cast in cameos !!

i have 3 boyfriends / boyfri3nds- short webdrama you can find on youtube starring kim ji eun, park sungwoo (produce 101 season 2 [that 30 year old dude who danced to rain’s song OMG], moon jihoo, and lee jungsik- when la hi gets in a car accident and wakes up with amnesia she finds that she has 3 men all claiming to be her boyfriend.- OK LISTEN . this show is so funny and cute. let me just say: you MUST watch to the end. that’s all i’ll say. pLS WATCH

lily fever- a short webdrama starring kim hyeyoon (just between lovers) and jung yeonjoo (witch’s romance)- kyungju needs her passport back, which her ex boyfriend has, but it turns out he left it at a friend’s place. when she arrives, the friend is leaving but says she can go inside: just be mindful of the houseguest inside...- yeah this is lesbian as fuck . it has like . hardly any plot, has a shit ton of crackheadery, and lots of STEAMY AS FUCK kisses. it literally makes like no sense though skdfksjd but if ur in the mood for some easy to watch girl pairing stuff, this is it my dude ! 

[empressqueen]

Ridiculously Earnest

●Jeonhannah13 Note: I’m not a good writer especially if it’s in English damnnn lolol I do write but just in my native language so forgive me if there’s any mistake. This is dedicated to a fellow ayahina fan bc ayahina is life!!!

I dont really know what’s the focus of this short fanfic but eh Ayato being an idiot and Hinami being a tease lol That’s it lmaooo

This takes place when Ayato came back from the under under underground of the 24th Ward but eh I wrote this before things happened on manga so ofc everything is peaceful here. Anyway enjoy! For @selinaskyel sry if it’s shitty af lmao ●

—

She’s weak as a bird, fragile as a glass. She easily cries like a brat who falls on her ass.

“Ugh, what the fuck are you thinking”

He whispers as he read the short poem he just wrote. He can’t help but think about how stupid his chosen words to write dedicated to a beautiful girl who caught his eyes.

His personality is the complete opposite of her kind, loving and bright one.

He’s rough, rude and dark.

But still, this doesn’t mean that he won’t have a heart for feeling this way for her. For Hinami.

Let’s repeat that.

He has a heart. Kirishima Ayato has a heart. This edgy, young and handsome ghoul has one. And he thinks that it’ll only beat for this girl.

For the rest of his life.

Is this really love?

The smile she gave when they first met was his ticket to the ride called first crush. The time they spent as partners in every Aogiri missios was the sign for him to realize that he had started to like her. The months that passed while she was locked up in a ghoul prison made him ponder about why his heart was restless. All he wanted to do was to save her, even if it means going against Eto or Tatara. The moment they reunited, he felt like giving her a tight hug. God knew that he missed her so much but Ayato chose to give her a simple pat on the shoulder then realized that he might’ve fallen in love with her.

Why did he even choose to do that? Even Banjou hugged her. Fucking coward.

“Why am I even writing cheesy lines? It’s not like she’ll like it.” Talking to himself again and looking at his stupid writing about Hinami, who apparently a brat who fell on her ass, as his poem said.

“Who’s not gonna like it? It’s…nice.”

His shoulders and heart jump as he turns around to find the girl behind him.

Did she just read his poem?

“What the hell do you think you’re doing! Don’t know how to fucking knock?” He rudely says as he tries to hide his embarassment.

He thinks that Hinami is laughing at him in her mind.

But actually, she really is laughing in reality.

“Ayato-kun, you have a great choice of words.” She ignores his tactless mouth and smiles.

Goddammit, she’s so beautiful.

“Donľ flatter me. It’s not like I’m serious about this.” He retorts bacj as he crumples the paper. Ayato stands up fron where he’s sitting. He feels like he’s gonna attack Hinami because of how close she is.

Especially when he can’t erase in his mind the only chance he had to feel her heat when she took him back to the greenhouse.

Another chance he had to hug her and he again let it slipped.

He lays down on his bed, well if you can call this ripped mattress a bed, thinking that Hinami will take this as a hint to get out of his room, or more like cell.

“So who’s the lucky girl?” He closes his eyes as he realized that Hinami is in a good mood and looks like she’s stayinh for a while and joins him on his bed.

What the fuck? Is she fucking stupid or is she an idiot for being fucking stupid?

This is a guy’s room and she’s sitting on a guy’s bed plus she’s too close to him. It makes him think about things he shouldn’t think.

Oh, Ayato you poor boy.

“What lucky girl?” He replies trying to sound likr he’s bored to death. Actually, right now he can’t calm himself down and if he looks at her, he’ll likely get a heart attack.

Just imagining Hinami on his bed is enough to make his mind go wild.

“Ayato-kun is writing a poem for a girl. It must mean that she’s special.” She simply says and moves a little closer to his form. He feels the dip of his bed and this make him open his eyes.

Like a deer caught in the headlights.

He feels her body heat as she keeps on talking about the brat who falls on her ass. She’s laughing about how cute but stupid that girl is.

She also said something like he must really like her because he’s putting effort to write her something when it’s not his personality to do it.

Ayato wakes up from his daydreaming and sits up. This made Hinami stop.

“Hina, she means the world to me.” He mutters quietly and looks straight into her eyes. Ayato leans against the wall and sighs dreamily.

Like a girl stupidly in love.

“She’s amazing. I don’t even have the guts to tell her my feelings. She’s way too out of my league.”

All he wanted to say is her name directly.

Ayato looks at her and there she is smiling sadly at him.

Why is she sad?

“Are you okay?” He asks and she just shakes her head. He can’t help but worry about this girl who always wears a bright smile on her beautiful face.

“Ayato-kun, I’m glad that you found someone. You won’t be alone anymore.”

“Hinami.” He calls her name and she looks at him dead straight on his eyes. This made him gulp down. Just with that look, his heart is already going crazy.

“I wish I can meet her, Ayato-kun.” Again, with a sad smile on her lips he can’t help himself and reach out to her hand.

“Hinami.” He calls her again and she giggles. “Ayato-kun, you’re like my bestfriend. Of course, I want to meet this girl you really like.” She responds with the intent of teasing him. He intertwines their fingers like it’s a natural thing for them.

Bestfriend she says.

“Hinami.” This time, when Ayato calls her Hinami leans on his shoulder. His body stiffens as her heat and scent touches his senses. He feels like floating just with these simple things.

Just how much of a sucker is he for her?

“I hope I can find someone here too. Just like you did, Ayato-kun.”

When Hinami let out those words, Ayato’s self-control runs out of the room. It seems like this is a chance to hug her. To touch her more. Another chance and he’s not letting this one slide again. Not when Hinami looks really sad, for unknown reasons.

“A-ayato-kun…?”

“Hinami, you already met her. I guess you just don’t realize it.”

Hinami is confused with whatever Ayato is talking about. She tries to move so she can see his handsome face but he tightens his arms around her. She can’t help but gasp as he does this.

“Um, Ayato…kun?”

He’s now panicking inside when he realizes that he hugged her harder. How is he suppose to coolly let go now?

He doesn’t know what to do now that he got themselves into a couple-like position. Actually, they haven’t realized it at first but when there’s only two people in a closed room, well closed cell, with just their breathing and heart beating as the sound they won’t have a choice but to feel things.

Like, how she’s almost on his lap.

Fuck.

“I won’t ever leave you alone.” He randomly says as he tries to ignore the tension between them.

She slowly reaches out to him and hugs him back. Ayato feels her little hands crawl up to his neck and this time with all the touching they’ve had earlier he quietly welcomes it.

But of course, his heart can’t still calm the fuck down.

“Ayato-kun, I don’t want to be a burden to you. You can be with her and I’ll be fine by myself. I’ll support you. I’ll still be your friend.”

What the fuck is she saying?

Ayati is having an internal battle with himself ‘cause damn he wants to fucking kiss her and tell her that she is the one in the stupid poem.

But he’ll feel like digging a holr or going back to the most underground levels of the 24th Ward just to hide his cheesy-poem writing ass.

Ayato was the first one to let go but he makes Hinami look at him. He tilts her head and fuck he feels like she’s sucking his life out.

He’s nervous as fuck and damn he decides to ignore it and just feel the moment.

“Hina, you don’t understand.” He stutters a bit and now he makes a choice that it doesn’t matter.

Fuck everything because he really likes her.

Before Hinami speaks, Ayato leans and kisses her fairly on the lips. He feels her breathing stops and pulls ways as fast as he thought about finally doing it.

Hinami freezes up but recovers when Ayato poker her cheeks. Her now red cheeks.

“Ayato-kun, wha…?” Not believing what just happened, she can’t think of words.

He kissed her.

“Do you understand now?” Ayato asks Hinami as they both blush hard.

Imagine two young ghouls both with rough memories about life finds comfort in each other and falling in love together?

Hinami’s eyes grow bigger and she gapes at him. She’s been feeling weird ever since they both hit puberty. It’s like Ayato always looks good and cool.

It’s been years since she felt that and it looks like it might be because she’s crushing on him.

That’s why when she realizes that Ayato has someone he loves, she feels devastated. Since they are always together it’ll be impossible for him to like her.

Or so she thought.

In this kind of confession, this is the moment where the girl will tear up out of happiness but of course that only happens on dramas and novels.

This one is reality.

A reality for these two who found each other in the darkest times of their lives.

This moment is the time for Hinami to laugh her heart out.

Gosh, so they feel the same after all?

This made Hinami giggle as she realizes it.

Ayato frowns and pouts. Hinami finds this adorable and pinches his cheeks.

A handsome guy pouting is the cutest right?

“I’ll rewrite it.” He mumbles as she continues to laugh and blush. Hinami can’t still believe that she was the brat on his poem.

“No, I love it Ayato-kun.” She says with honesty and a contented smile on her face.

It’s true that she made fun of him earlier but she felt some jealousy for the girl Ayato wrote the poem for.

When in reality, the brat who cries as shevfalls on her ass is her.

“Ayato-kun, were you serious?” She asks him as the tension between them continues. Ayato keeps on darting away his eyes from her. His secret is now out and he’s waiting for Hinami to reject it.

“I…I…am.” he answers shortly for he still feel nervous. Hinami can’t stop smiling and she’s clearly enjoying how Ayato looks like melting with embarassment.

“Ayato-kun, can you write me a poem?” He stops looking antsy then eyes her with a horrified look.

“You want me to continue the poem?” He asks unsure of what to say next. Hinami smiles and nods eagerly at him. Somehow he finds this cute.

But wait he thinks that she\s always beautiful and cute.

Fuck she’s so adorable.

It makes him think about what other expressions she can show to him. In their private time, if ever they become a real couple.

Ayato thinks that maybe if he continue it, Hinami will believe that she is the one he’s writing the cheesy poem for. He wants to prove that he’s serious especially when Hinami seems to doubt his feelings.

We;;, that’s what he thinks.

Hinami trusts Ayato.

It’s just that this timid girl finds the flustered version of him funny. She’s teasing him.

he’s willing to look even more stupid just to make her believe that he is being serious about her.

“Sure.” Ayato already feels like a fool as he agrees with her but fired up. Even if it means looking like an idiot, he will gladly accept it.

For Hinami. 

Everything is for Hinami.

Few days passed and Ayato os feeling uneasy. He dropped off the paper at Hinami’s cell earlier this day which contains his stupid 4 lines poem dedicated to her.

He’s been waiting for her reaction all day and now it’s nighttime. Ayato sits on the highest place in the underground. When it’s this high, he can quietly relax.

But the relaxing moment stops there when he hears her adorable laughter.

Ayato looks behind him and there he finds Hinami holding the paper.

“You read it?” he asks trying to stay calm as possible but looks away. Maybe he’s really having a hard time feeling like an idiot.

A fool for love.

A fool for Hinami.

“Yes.” Hinami answers him and takes a sit beside the idiot.

Her idiot.

“I love it, Ayato-kun.” she confesses while wearing a big grin on her beautiful face. Ayato blushes and frowns, very Ayato-like. She leans on his shoulder and links their arms together.

“So you believe me now?” he asks curiously, trying to hide his excitement but he doesn’t realize that he’s swinging his legs.

Gosh, he’s so cute!

Ayato smiles when she nods.

So this is what falling in love feels like. No wonder his older sister looks stupidly happy and contented with that half-assed bastard.

“She’s weak as a bird, fragile like a glass.

She easily cries like a brat who falls on her ass.

She may be a wimp, tender like human’s meat.

She’s my clover girl who gives luck on my sorry shit.”

Ayato’s eyes widens as Hinami recites his poem filled with love. He tries to grab it from her but for some reason he can’t bring himself to be rough on Hinami.

Maybe some other time and more…privately?

he tries again but Hinami stands up and raises her arms. As if Ayato won’t be able to reach that height. He smirks cockily and stands in front of her.

The distance makes their cheeks blush and they stare at each other with their eyes looking at the depths of their souls.

This seems to make Hinami emotional and tears fall from her eyes. Ayato beams at his clover girl and god, he’ll love to kiss her tears even every inch of her pale skin.

Words aren’t even needed in this kind of time. Looking at the eyes of your loved one is enough.

“Can I?” Ayato inquires as he traces her lips slowly with his delicate but rough fingers. Hinami shivers as she feels his heat coming from it. 

God, what a heavy and luscious tension between these two.

“Sure.” she entusiastically nods and let him lead. Well, when it comes to these things, surely Ayato will be the one who will always initiate but it would be nice to let her too, right?

The meek girlfriend over the brash boyfriend.

Yotsume over Black Rabbit.

Sounds appealing.

[ts-akhmim]

Episode 2 | “GET ME OUT OF HERE ” - Devon

okay so i filmed a video confessional earlier which is uploading where i basically talked about dealing with being a winner/the tomb and having an idol/potentially wanting to go to tribal pre-swap/deliberately choosing the puzzle/how much i love jake so that'll come at some point after this but just KNOW that came first. anyway just wanted to talk MORE because i have more thoughts. last round i was really conscious of needing to micro-manage my threat level and i think im putting in work to do that? im very concious that i cant play the same game as montenegro because im coming into it from a very different perspective/position. However, one thing I can do this season is transfer my prejury game, because i think it still works. What I need to do is to some extent take a backseat, where I'm not actively messaging people first, and keeping game talk kinda limited (but acknowledging it when people talk to me). Like I have the safety cushion of my idol, and my connection to jake/jordan, and to some extent dan and lovelis? like im not gonna be a target (touch wood) and hopefully if i am my men tm going to keep an eye out for me.... hopefully? it also means im not gonna be pushy about votes im gonna hear names and run with it (as long as its not jake/jordan, or lovelis tbh i get real good vibes from him). but yeah id really love the beauty tribe to go to tribal this round ive literally never spoken to a single one of them so i'd love one of that tribe that is a complete unknown quantity to go home DJDKLFSF. but yis so im feeling good taking a backseat but im gonna ejector seat myself forwards at some point, just got to figure out when to push the button

Okay so Bodhi left last night and that was really sad. We had nice conversations but i told him that if the rest of the tribe wanted him out i wasn't going to campaign for him. He ended up making his rounds but at the end of the day, no one felt strongly about keeping him. He speaks so well that it took me a night's rest to get my head straight. Also Trace got an alliance together of himself, myself, Scott and Isaac. Bitch i was SHOOK! I am so glad to be likable enough to be brought into someone else's core. So this kind of perfectly positioned myself and Scott between 2 alliances. I believe we're both more loyal to the one we formed before we found out we were going to tribal, but who knows. I did tell Autumn of the news because i figure if we were to lose again. Whichever of Isaac of Trace remains is going to feel on bottom and blow up that Scott and I were two-timing the DADS. Btw that is the dumbest alliance name I have ever been a part of but whatever. The rat pack has also formed and now him and I are in a good spot. I will say that i am nervous that MISS ALYSSA spoke the comparison into existence, but i really hope we don't continue to flop like Luzon did on Cagayan. But hey! If Denise can go to every tribal council in one season and win, maybe i can too. (PS i pissed myself with my score in winterbells but also F*CK WINTERBELLS, thats all, ty) 

Honestly I’m really regretting not participating in this challenge because I feel like our scores are.......not great. I feel like I could have turned out the puzzle and even winterbells. The flag Lovelis made is super cute and i think will fair well bc it’s very clean and neat. It’s not super creative, but it’s definitely well made. I think even if we went to tribal I would be okay though. Liam seems like an easy enough boot for us. No one seems that dazzled by his contributions to the tribe. 

i literally am the biggest clown who ever clowned for continuing to overdo it in challenges, if i'm allowed to make it to merge at this point it will literally be a miracle.

So Bodhi left on a unanimous vote yesterday and I'm glad that it worked out as planned! I definitely felt bad lying to him about it all and stuff, but I think it was the best for the tribe going forward. What does suck however is that we lost AGAIN! And it was actually close this time! I'm actually annoyed that we lost this time because I submitted my challenge at 4PM and the reason why we lost was because the last submission was at 8 :/ like... y'all couldn't get it in any earlier? Plus I'm annoyed because I find myself in the swing position between the DADS and The Rat Pack. Personally I don't trust Trace after finding out he tried to play the Rat Pack off as my idea when it was really his all along. To me, it shows that he'd betray me later on down the line. And the only purpose for "The Rat Pack" is so they feel like they're in the majority. So since we lost, I don't mind voting out Trace. Duncan and I called to confirm that we're on the same page. We also found out that Devon is telling us the same things about loyalty and allegiances and I don't like that. He also told Duncan that he would throw immunities and play idols for him if he needed it, and that Duncan was his number 1 ally. But he said the same exact thing to me. So... that has me a little sketch. But I also think that Autumn/Duncan are a close pair, so I may need to stick close to Devon for the long hall. But if Autumn/Duncan think I'm more with them than Devon, I'll take it. I'm supposed to go on call with the Dads soon. Duncan wants to tell them about the rat alliance so that Isaac doesn't use it as motive to get us out. Which i agree that it'd be a good idea as long as devon/autumn stick with us. Duncan and I both feel like Devon might be thrown off since he always likes to be in control, but not actually being in charge. So we'll need to do damage control when that happens. But for now it seems like Trace is going unless things change. If things go how I would want it to, then Trace leaves tomorrow. 

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1JKqH3EQMlugIe-lwHMYMG2qoVZ7dvIzr/view?usp=sharing

Omg!!!!! Another win that makes me so happy . The tribe is all getting along great and I couldnt all for better ppl. I'm hoping soon to get some kind of solid group together. Kendell adam and amiry are ppl I def wanna work with long term at the time. Just gotta see what happens. 

Not much has been happening lately so I might be able to keep this short and not ramble on and on like i usually do (ill still end up writing a novel probably) yippy yay it's day 5 and everything is still all smiles and giggles over here because we've won yet another immunity!! kinda boring tbh but obviously im happy we won immunity because now that buys me one more day and at the end of it that's all i care about. I kinda did want the brauns to go to tribal however instead of the brains because i just really would like my beauties to get a nice foot hold and a lead in the game, i actually enjoy taking to some of these people, and im trying my best to talk to as many people as i can, which anyone who knows me knows isn't the easiest thing for me, i was reading some of my old confessionals from both my past games and the one thing i consistently got dragged for was not being as present with people, which granted i did improve a lot on last time around for sure, but i still got work to do and im realizing that more each day when i have no urge whatsoever to talk to anyone (don't worry, it's not you, it's (crippling depression) me! I understand socializing is part of the game and i do think my social game is my strongest asset but to me i like to think of my social game as a more distinct kind, im more elusive and i like to be that, if you leave them wanting more dahling they'll keep you around, i dont like to show all my cards, and that's a quality that i reflect in both survivor and life, and it has advantages and disadvantages in both but ANYWHO despite all that dare i say i think im still doing *decent* ? I'm making it a priority to reach out at least once a day to *most people (AJ, Augusto, Amir, Austin) are the ones ive probably had some of the best conversations with where it was the most natural and just flowed you know, and still is on day 5, and with kendall ive had some talks with her i do like her but idk i get this vibe she's kinda holding back when talking to me, and ESPECIALLY same with connor? we only had one private conversation and he gave me about a 3 word response, and if you havent guessed by now i like elaboration or at least a lil bit of personality when you talk, no shade just an observation, so that's a small red flag im very much a person who matches energy, one of my go to's in survivor is being open to the possibility of anything, ill always work with anyone who will work with me, and i think thats how everyone should play so hopefully the people ive been talking a lot to feel similar but i guess we'll have to wait until a vote of some sort to see about all that.. I still havent heard any idol talk or even game talk quite frankly so im guessing people are just still keeping the friendly facade up..... or ...... is it me?? am i the one on the outs looking like boo boo the fool or is that just my paranoia getting to me??? im not gonna send myself into a tizzy about getting voted out when we're not even going to tribal i- lemme calm down. If i had to guess I'd say Kendall, Connor, or Amir have the idol probably but sounds like a mystery for another day because im DONE im clocking out for the night until other people wanna wake up and play the game too oop final note: ok but it would be sick and twisted if it turns out they are all playing the game just without me and im the first boot of the tribe 

Waking up on this glorious Day 5 with a new perspective. I originally applied to be on the brains tribe and was shook when I got brawn because let’s face it, my arms are akin to overcooked spaghetti noodles. BUT my tribe is so much stronger than the brains. I’m hoping for a big name to go to shake things up. AND I’m not really looking to swap onto a tribe with Trace or Autumn due to our past game history. Love them both dearly, but it’s gonna be a no from me. 

okie so! update from me is i think im doing okay. like i think the benefit of no dua lipa cave is you can just build connections with everyone, you aren't voting someone out every round so why not capitalise on that? i'm so afraid of the fact that i'm overdoing it in challenges like i really need to calm. down. but im reassuring myself with the fact that in the first challenge i only was top because i did like... one more thing than others like its not thattt big of a deal? my puzzle time was clownery but hopefully people don't pay attention to it? im getting very anxious about overdoing it in challenges, but my thought process now is like. i need to act like people have an awareness of it, without getting kinda consumed by my anxiety about it? idk im hoping since most of these people don't know me, they wont notice me doing good in the challenge but truly who can be sure also am really just liking my tribe? like jake is ofc a king, i love jordan (who im gonna talk to later, he is the only one i feel like i have to talk to today), i also really like TJ who i was super harsh on at the start for no reason, i get good ally vibes from lovelis, liam m is super sweet even tho he is kinda inactive and dan is so fun (plus he told jake that he speaks to me one of the most so we love that!!). i've been trying to figure out what i even do about a lot of the super old school players that i have no connection/point of reference with? like people like scott, adam, kendall, aj i have truly no basis with? thats whats so scary about a swap, is at this point in the game i know 10/20 people left aka the brawn tribe + duncan/isaac/autumn, and like 10/20 isnt bad... BUT then the other 10 aka the beauty tribe + trace/scott/devon i have literally no connection to which is super scary JAKSDFA. im just real afraid of a swap. just swap me with jordan/jake/autumn/isaac PLEATHE. im just a pile of anxiety this season idk what to do im like frozen because of how scared i am... maybe it'll be all fine

Well, that was a close one. I struggled with that comp all day and I feel like absolute shit that I only got our team that 1 point. To me, it's inexcusable not to have be able to help my tribe as I wanted to contribute and make sure I made my worth known. So now I'm just this paranoid mess that I would have been in trouble had we gone to tribal. It's been hard to talk to some of these people or for most of those who I do talk to, I just don't really know where there head is at. I'm not sure if this is just a really guarded tribe, or if I really should be concerned. So I don't know what to do just yet. And that's not a feeling I like when playing TS.

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty sad that Bodhi left the game like he was so active pre-season so I was expecting him to do his best to go super far and maybe he did? I don’t know, but I did want a chance to actually get to play with him in TS but we keep passing each other by! I hope he is doing good despite how he might feel being the first boot yknow but yeah <3 

The way I absolutely flopped with the idol system stuff is all types of funny and sad at the same time like I REALLY thought I did something only for it to be part of the challenge… That being said, Amir did tell me that he has a theory the idol system might be based on numbers which is interesting! I am super thankful he decided to tell me and we went on this long talk about how we are each other’s #1s which is super cute! I really do trust Amir and I do want to go far with him because he’s awesome but that being said, my #1 is me like I promised myself that I’d be selfish this time around just because being the selfless person I am hasn’t gotten me a win but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. We did go over a lot of stuff in terms of tribe dynamics and we both kinda agreed that AJ would be the first boot from the time if we went to tribal, we like our alliance with Kendall/Connor, we both like Adam and we both think Austin is sweet/genuine even if we don’t talk to him tons so yay for that too <3

I am SO trying to sell the fact that me and Kendall are a duo to Kendall which is funny to me idk hjfkds like she did approach me super early on about aligning but I do have the tiniest feeling she did that to mostly everyone but I’m trying to pin us with each other to her so she trusts me more, especially since I do feel as though she is the best connected on the tribe. I even called us Crystal Cox (me bc blazing speed and challenge flop ofc) and Ken(dell) ghfjdksl, I’m doing the most but yeah, I just want Kendall to see me as her #1 in the game on the off chance anything happens yknow?

Austin thinks I’m his #1 which is really sweet? I do like Austin even if it is hard to talk to him sometimes but hey, that happens. He told me that he’s really glad I’m on this tribe (which I have heard from basically everyone especially Adam and Amir which makes me feel cute omg) and that we might need to get a group going soon. I was like…. Tea but I also don’t know how quickly I want to get an alliance including Austin going just because it’s like… do I reveal that Austin and I are close-ish and be seen as a social threat? That just ain’t cute sis! But yeah, Austin told me he also really likes Kendall and Amir and that’s awesome that the two people I feel the closest to are ALSO doing THAT but at the same time, I want to be the one doing THAT the most because I’m greedy (by Ariana Grande) so it’s something to keep in mind! 

The way I absolutely flopped at that puzzle… this is why I’m a Beauty cause a sis ain’t smart to complete a puzzle and I’m not brawn-y enough to do well in a challenge hgjfdk BUT that being said, Hagthor beat the thots and apiss and I couldn’t be any happier! I do wish Brawn lost over Brain but yknow, you can’t have everything go your way (‘: it’s funny how I slayed the last challenge and flopped this one tho like a bitch really lacks consistency huh ghfjndmks

Ugh fineeeee since I've been called out... by myself. I guess I'll do the bare minimum. So we won immunity!!!! Wooo!!!!!! Low-key though through out the entire process of making the flag, I just kept thinking darn I wish we voted out someone last tribal because drawing 7 people is annoying... watch me get voted out next tribal council lol. That would be quality foreshadowing. Today I have two goals. 1. Figure out what the method of entering the tomb. I intend on getting in contact with Augusto or Connor for that one. Augusto because he is low-key my number one. Connor because I feel if anyone can solve it he probably could. 2. Set up group chat with me, Augusto, and Austin. So Austin can feel a false sense of reassurance and Augusto and I have options. Write more later maybe.

Honestly im feeling kind of trepidatious going forward which is a little wierd, i just dont feel like ive gotten my footing yet in this game. I think like, im in a good spot to be fine on this tribe because of my social game and how I contribute in challenges, but I dont know if I feel good about anything longterm just yet. What really is bothering me is the tomb. Its gonna be round 3 tonight and I haven't made any more progress on getting in than I have night one. I feel like I have a lot of pieces to this puzzle but nothing is fitting together and its bothering me. I'm also a little upset that if we lose, I could see Liam being the target and I can't see my self risking my position to save him if he cant save himself. He has my name on his wiki page its an obvious association to me, and while I think hed be loyal to me, I'm just wondering honestly if him as an ally is worth the target it may bring. Im cautiously moving through the beginning of this game with a lot of unnease and hopefully I find some steady ground soon.

I am annoyed that we are yet again at tribal. I played so fucking hard at winter bells but of course someone on another tribe got like 238593277 billion which threw us back into tribal... So annoying truthfully. But it's alright, I should be able to make it out alive. I want Devon to go home. But I also don't want to let my guard down. This vote is important for a few reasons. The first reason is that our tribe is very close, so I am nervous that lines are going to be drawn in the sand. The second is that, after this vote, we will be down to five, making 3 the majority. We have an alliance of 4, and lord knows that when you are down to 5, whoever feels like 3 and 4 of the alliance are most likely going to try and rope in the 5th person to get rid of each other. So my plan is to make Isaac and Scott BOTH feel as though they are my number 1s so that they actually stick to our alliance of 4 thinking that I will be keeping them both if we lose again. This is the only way that i can see it working, but idk. I feel bad if Devon ends up going because he's a nice guy, but we have to make choices about strengthening our team, and then I have to make a choice about strengthening my place in the game. Hopefully this doesn't come to bite me in the ass.

Things have been going pretty well for my tribe! We won the first immunity challenge and that really seemed to boost tribe morale. Granted, these past couple of days I've been quiet since I'm trying to boost grades that are literally 0s into something manageable before I graduate hehe. I've tried to keep up with people through small conversations, which seems to work better for me at the moment until I get myself together. Adam wants to create an alliance with Augusto and Amir, which I'm totally for. I understand, though, that he doesn't wanna do it immediately since there's really no urgency to? We didn't go to tribal, so why did it matter! That excuse aside, I do hope that us holding our breath to say something doesn't bite us in the ass because these are people I want to work with! I wanna get something going with Kendall as well hopefully, since I adore her! Earlier, I stated that Adam and I (Adam, really) found our way into the tomb and both flopped in the questions. Adam took another stab at it and found out we've been bamboozled! Someone beat us to the punch and has whatever contents were inside the tomb. I'm assuming it was an idol, but who knows what else is in there! It kinda made me lose motivation to keep searching inside but when in Rome? I'll probably end up trying again despite knowing the end result just because I wanna prove I can be a smart cookie as well. I also didn't gloss over this but I'll mention it really quickly, but I'm sad Bodhi went! He was one of the few people I was familiar with on the other tribes so it's unfortunate we aren't going to be able to connect with each other this game. A king has fallen. In lighter and more recents events, my tribe crushed the second immunity challenge. Kendall stunned with her artistry and I'm still gushing over how cute everyone's character was. I kinda like decimated Winterbells, but I've always been good at the game, and Amir did really well in the scavenger hunt. Augusto and Austin did really well in the puzzle also, despite their lack of confidence in offering a strong performance. We appear to be THEE tribe to beat honestly and I'm loving that. I love our tribe! I LOVE OUR TRIBE! It really would be a tragedy if we aren't able to keep up this win streak we're manifesting. 

Sorry for not writing this sooner! Been having a bad depressive episode for the last couple days and it makes me unmotivated to write c': I feel like a flop so far in this game, not because I submit shit scores, but because I find it exhausting to connect with some of these people. They're all very nice in their own special ways, but interacting w some is like pulling teeth, and I guarantee they feel the same about me, which I would expect. That being said, I hope we keep winning, cause I don't have the energy to go to tribal right now.

Heading into a second tribal council, there is becoming less and less room to hide. I am struggling to hold my own against the other tribes when it comes to competitions, but thank goodness it's a numbers game. If everything goes accordingly, I am taking a backseat this vote and allowing a 4-2 vote out when it comes to Trace. I appreciated Duncan coming to me with the alliance chat information with him/Scott/Trace/Isaac, but didn't like how Autumn needed to tell me first. Shows that I really can't trust Scott/Duncan after a swap comes up. In regards to Scott, he outright didn't say anything. I like him and all, but it was a slimy move to say the least. He only said something because he HAD to vote out someone in one of his two alliances. This group will be dumb as hell if they let me swap. I'll flip on them as soon as possible and invite anyone into my alliance. The tribe swap is where I made my 'Slithers' game infamous last time, so I'm hoping for a similar output. Don't forget: I swapped with the minority last time in Guyana (shout out to Jess), so I'm not worried about the numbers and how its split. ALL I NEED IS A SWAP OR TWIST. GET ME OUT OF HERE. 

Thank God we won that based on the tiebreaker, but yikes I didn't think my flag would've tanked so hard. Guess I've gotta get better at perfecting my craft huh, but at least we're safe. I feel nervous on this tribe to be honest, because I think I'm the second to bottom on the totem pole after the other Liam, so it isn't reassuring that if we lose twice I'll either be gone, or I could even be gone at our first tribal if he's got a solid alliance going...the only alliance I have right now is with Jordan and I don't really know where I sit with everyone else, but I'm afraid of overplaying... ugh so annoying! I think I just need to force a couple of game related conversations with people to build up some trust, just hope it wouldn't paint a target on my back for trying I guess...

oh gorl, some of these people on my tribe really think im just the clown of the tribe and cant put two and two together, well guess what, IM NOT. So Amir messages me, which nothing out of the ordinary there, ive been talking to him every day so far for the most part like i said we're a little familiar with each other from our pasts, but i was VERY surprised today at what had happened... what had happened was....he starts talking the smallest bit of game with me, basically he just said, "is it me or is everyone really quiet here?" and so i just agreed with him and i said yeah i dont think people are talking game yet which is a little weird, and then i threw the TINEST tea crumpet out there and i said "yeah ive talked to some people so easily like you, but then there's others who.....i cant say the same for" and i was absolutely hinting at connor/kendall just because i havent had the longest convos with them, which no biggie, but THEN about 20 minutes later i get a message from CONNOR of all people saying "hey adam!" ..... obviously im glad to talk to him and im all for getting to know everyone, but my instincts immediately went off and told me it's a little sus....how not even a few minutes ago i was saying how some people never talk to me and then out of no where the one person i was mainly talking about messages me?? Coincidences don't exist in survivor. Now I really have no choice but to think that amir in someway mentioned to connor that i said theres some people i havent talked to at all and that he probably needed to work on that.. which is true, but cmon. i know the tribe brain cell is missing but at least put a little thought into this and message me later tonight or not right after i say it?? I'm not sure if they have any type of past connection and while I definitely do wanna keep building my relationship with Amir, this will definitely make me question him a little bit at least until i see how some votes fall when we eventually go to tribal. Amir also told me he's had the most convos with Augusto, which is funny because thats exactly how both me and aj feel about augusto, which tells me augusto is really playing the game rn, and while thats someone i want to work with, it's also someone i need to be extremely careful with if we're still playing together down the road. plot twist: connor messaging me has absolutely nothing to do with amir and i just made this whole conspiracy for nothing but idk.... it's a conspiracy IM interested in.

***last add on because i forgot to say how the hell im gonna HANDLE this amir/connor situation... im keeping my eyes on it incase theyre in kahoots and also if they think im that dumb then clearly they havent watched me play before, which is great for me but bad for them, you cant trick a trickster try all you want, There's nothing I love more than being underestimated in survivor because it kinda makes it a little easier to play and gives me more options, so sure ill keep up my fake smiles and act like we're all fine and dandy, ill play dumb and wont even act like im onto them but i absolutely am and ill be ready to make my move the second it seems right 

Ugh I feel so DIRTY. I feel so GROSS. Poor Devon, truly. I spoke with Autumn and told her about Devon, and she was in without a fight and told me that it should be 5-1. And then Devon came to me and was like... we all good for the vote tonight? And I'm like ................yes? Lol. I'm good, you're probably not. ugh, this is the part of this game that I hate. I want to never lose immunity ever again, let someone else break someone else's heart!

Something about Kendall is so chaotic and terrifying and I can’t put a finger on why.her aligning was her talking to me for the first time in a day saying “let’s align” and created an alliance chat without even asking who else should be in it which leads me to believe her Augusto and Connor already have a trio and I was the 4th. Are all these focking people playing me?? Like i still cant tell if this is a real alliance but i want to believe it is and not a bluff to vote me out. But also like why even do that, the only person on this cast that I trust and have played with, bodhi, has just been voted out. I’m a free agent and I can help that alliance make it far in the game, but they also have lots of relationships on other tribes so like I might not even be that valuable to them. I mentioned to Augusto about the numbers on the blog, hoping to create more trust because I really really love him and want to trust him but I’m still just so damn unsure. if we lose this immunity and I get one bad signal from any of those 3, if they slip up even once, I won’t hesitate to align and gather the minority. But if they are playing me properly, then kudos to them! 

I am just happy i have the idol i am going to put it in my ass. 

me when the brains tribe only has 5 members left http://prntscr.com/s8y76g

You know what? https://66.media.tumblr.com/b7b4accba586ad321141b6ba80d69044/tumblr_omule3fwZC1w1swfno1_250.gifv I'm mad but I'm not tight because that same alliance that Duncan and I orchestrated is the same alliance that will get us through. So do I enjoy going to tribal? No. And do I enjoy knowing that Trace created an alliance w/ everyone except me and Devon? No. But the Dads will prevail and I trust Scott and the gang. I mean Ducnan is family so as long as we don't go it's fine. But Devon is my baby so absolutely gotta kill for him. That's what keep em close hahaha But no the Trace vote is a dream come true that I only crossed my mind once and STILL got manifested. Like Duncan suggested it and I said you got it because Trace will be the FIRST to rally all the white boys against me in a swap. Cute or not, Trace will kill me I'm convinced. Like something in my spirit told me not to trust Trace and low and behold: Duncan reveals that alliance to me on Day 3. So confirmed, Trace is leaving so that I don't fall to the bottom of the tribe. But it's all good- Isaac listens to Fleetwood Mac and watches Schitt's Creek so he's a good guy. And Scott is literally a cinammon roll who's too busy to snitch or flip. I don't have time to discuss how much I love Duncan or Devon so we're tabling that. Anyway If y'all need me I'll be doing this 4 part immunity challenge that determines whether I make Final 3 in the other org I'm in so try not to need me lmao

okay so... we aren't going to tribal but its still kinda messy on brawn beach. i kinda have felt this energy for a while, but i don't think jake and jordan have enough trust between the two of them for us to be a continual three person alliance. jake is a very reactive, gut-impulse kind of player which is honestly to his benefit since he is super perceptive. however that also means he is quick to be anxious about stuff in the game, which is the same as me and that is why we click. BUT. he thinks something is up with dan/jordan and honestly i see that and feel it. jordan keeps hinting at dan being the one to loop in and i think that does say something about them having some sort of game dynamic. however, jordan is maybe downplaying that relationship which is scary KLAF tbh i still like jordan and wanna work with him, but i do 100% have to keep tabs on him, his social connections could definitely become a problem if he has other priorities over me! so i think i just have to make sure im a continuing priority for him, so i have to find some sort of information to bring to him (maybe when dan proposes the alliance of me/jordan/jake/dan to me ill run to jordan and be like hey did dan suggest this to you how do you feel) to solidify that sort of trust? idk... i want my j-men to stick together and they ARENT. maybe i need to solidify stuff with TJ specifically more, he gives good ally vibes? but ya... its a mess tm

[seacreek]

I don't want to write anything where irl friends would see (no one is gonna see this here anyway) but I need to get this out of me.

Liiiikeeeee

I was (am?) literally the most suicidal I've ever been in my life today (is today over if it's 2 am?) and not only can I tell that to NO ONE, but it's like God was fucking rubbing it my face all day. I actually laughed at one point bc I was driving behind someone thinking of whether I should try to do it at home or somewhere else when I noticed their license plate said KYS and then a mashup of my birthday numbers.

But like I've already been feeling this building bc I'm behind on bills and have no heat and it's gonna snow soon and it's the holidays which remind me that my family is all spread out and I don't really talk to my parents anymore and somedays I talk to no one at all but my cat and my life is going NOWHERE with no way to change that but to work myself even harder when I don't even feel like I have anything at all to give anymore.

And I already felt like calling out bc even though I chose to work Thanksgiving yesterday knowing I'd be the only one there, it was still depressing to know that normal people are with friends and family and I'm not. But I also didn't want to take up my neighbors/friends on their offers to join them bc I did that last year and got all the questions about what I was doing with my life and at the time I actually believed I'd be going back to school the next year but now I realize how I can't possibly afford that without accepting help from someone which would BE my neighbors bc my parents would not help and I can't pay for it alone. And I can't accept help from them bc I feel like I would just get overwhelmed and depressed and flunk out and waste their money anyway. And the other reason I couldn't go over there/can't is bc I already feel like such a burden to them. They do all this nice stuff for me all the time and I catch myself even EXPECTING it at times which is fucking disgusting. Even if I'm grateful and say thank you, it's not like they owe me anything just bc I have no one else to give it to me. So I need to stop accepting their help and gifts, but then I know they are judging me for that bc even though their really nice, they are also super judgmental and they really like me bc they think I have "potential", but if they knew that I'm actually just a natural born idiot and failure, they'd never want to talk to me in the first place. And also it's unhealthy probably how much I rely on their validation bc since I've known them since I was little, I'm almost using them as surrogate parents which is also fucked up bc they are not my parents, they have their own kids who actually have their lives together unlike me who is just like a pet project of theirs.

Soooo anyway I already had all this on my mind and more going into work today and when I get there, I look at the schedule and realize everyone called out but me!!!!

And so I had to make a frankenstein schedule out of all of theirs to prioritize what needed to get done and was still trying to do little favors for people in between that I didn't want to disappoint bc it wasn't their fault that their staff wasn't there to do it with them and it was getting super overwhelming. And then I'm super sensitive so when I'd have to tell someone that I COULDN'T do something extra for them that they really were looking forward to, it was already punching me in the gut to see their disappointment. But then the worst part is that they don't fully get that I'm not just choosing to do that out of spite, but I legitimately had negative amounts of time to get everything done so they would blame me for what I couldn't do for them. EVEN THOUGH I WAS WORKING LIKE 4 SCHEDULES IN 1. Like they don't have the capacity to think past what's in front of them sometimes which I understand it's not their fault, but it SUCKS bc then they are pissed at me even though I'm running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to do everything for everyone and keep them all happy and they should really be annoyed with my coworkers who didn't come in but I didn't even throw them under the bus bc it wouldn't have mattered anyway. I'm the person in front of them who is "refusing to do what they ask" so it's my fault.

So that's how my day is going everywhere I go as I rush from person to person and place to place, answering calls, improvising on the spot, and constantly having to tell someone that whatever they had planned on today isn't possible and dealing with the result of that. And the WHOLE TIME I am DAYDREAMING about how I'm gonna kill myself when I get home. Maybe slit my wrists, wait no my leg because I know I'll chicken out on the wrists, wait no, I'll drive out to the ocean and just swim out until I'm drowning too far out to save myself, wait no, what bridges could I jump from let me google that, wait no, I could take all of the pills at home together but then I might throw them up so wait no, maybe I'll drag this out and just not eat or drink til I just die nah that takes too long etc etc etc. And I'm really thinking this is gonna happen tonight bc I already wrote a letter monday or tuesday and I'm sure they'll find that pretty fast when they look in my journals so I don't even have to worry about that part, just the doing. So I'm contemplating my end of life and getting more anxious and sad with every hour passing bc I'm really thinking this is it, this is the day I'm out. But really I keep getting caught up bc my CAT who is sadly the one being on earth that I love who could never understand, is at home. And I'm thinking about how if I kill myself while she's there and it takes time for people to realize I'm missing/find me, she will be sad/hungry/thirsty in the meantime. Which is so unecessary and all of my suicide plans get scrapped if they involve direct trauma of another being and she's the one that means the most, so how could I be so selfish as to not make a plan for her?

So I'm thinking of how I have to sneak her to my sister's place while she's still at work and that's stressful enough but more so bc then I'll have a time limit on getting this done bc as soon as she comes home and sees kaiya there without me and no explanation, she'll start blowing up my phone and when I don't answer, she'll call someone. And I don't want to do that in a pressured state, I need time to process everything and think about life and what I'm doing. Plus, what if I decide not to??? (Which is what ended up happening for tonight anyway) I would've done all that for nothing and then had to confess when she found kaiya anyway and have to go to a psych ward or something which would just ruin my life faster but make it harder to get out.

So I'm thinking ALL this ALL day while working my ass off yet still disappointing everyone and swallowing tears that would turn into sobs every hour until it's time to go home.

Then I drive home and even though I pray to God to send me some sign that he cares, he doesn't.

At this point, I've already lost the fire under me so I know this is another night where I just get through it, cuddle kaiya, and wake up the next day to do it all over and I've accepted that in a way.

Then 1 am rolls around and my sister calls me to say she stopped by a party where she ran into my old best friend and friends from high school. None of whom cared enough about me to even ask what I was up to these days, even though they were talking to my SISTER. And that whole growing apart thing took such a toll on me mentally and I do feel like I'm over it now these days, but it still brought up these gross sad feelings of when I was first realizing that they didn't really care about me anymore and then fully understanding that I didn't matter to them. Which hurt SO MUCH bc they were a ride or die for me, like I would have done anything for them and I never even DOUBTED they didn't feel the same until it was so obvious I had to stop pretending around it. And that fucked with ALL of my relationships with people. Every single friend I had, I started pulling away from bc I was so insecure in myself that I felt like I had to get away from them before they had the chance to drop me which I now felt was inevitable. To this day, I feel like I have a body count of of people that I desperately want to talk to, but don't let myself bc I feel like they don't deserve to have to put up with a person as shitty and worthless as me. And I do that in every possible relationship I have, platonic, romantic, and even familial. And I can't blame them for that bc they were just a normal person growing apart from someone I guess, but I think it triggered something laying dormant in me so badly that it was actually the catalyst for my inability to connect with other people in meaningful ways. I never meet a new person anymore with the belief that they will be in my life for more than a few years at most. Most people I expect to be gone within a week or two. My walls are up so high that it's actually selfish that I even talk to people at all bc I only end up hurting them when I pull away for seemingly no reason at all. And I'm too much of a coward to tell them that there's nothing wrong with them, I just can't get that close to people anymore. Like it actually makes me physically sick to think of carrying on normal relationships with people which is SO fucked. But then I turn into the villain bc I'm worried that they'll develop the same fear of people and I'll be the cause of it. Like I'm a vampire. But I isolate myself and then get to a certain point where I think "I'll try again!! And this time will be different!! I'll really have someone new in my life!" And then I am super friendly and doing my best to be good and making plans and whatever. But then I start getting that sick feeling again, like what if what if they just haven't realized how much I suck and how disappointing I am yet, they'll definitely realize it soon and I come up with some random specific reason why they'd actually hate me if they knew "THIS" about me and I start detaching myself and then flake on plans and then disappear. And then spend weeks worrying myself sick that I permanently damaged their trust in people!!! But then I get lonely again and the pattern starts again!! All traced back to this moment in time where it actually hit me that people's affection for you can disappear in the blink of an eye no matter how much you thought they cared about you. So clearly love is conditional and just that thought alone is enough to make me want to end it all!!

So yea, just a shit day with shit cherries and cream on top.

And now it's 3am and I have to wake up in 5 hrs to do this again.

And all of this is still something no one will know if or until it comes spilling out and then my life will either be changed forever or over.

But yea, drew that lion the other day.

[rizukinocte]

four layer epic sagas

are disguising the fact that this is a lying liar who lies.

my family and my sister's spouse's family having a huge celebration party coincidentally in the same day. While I was helping the preparation I'm become suspicious with the quantity of these foods, so I ask my other sister how many we invited again? And she said so nonchalantly that this was only private party are only us and my sister's spouse's family. I was a bit panicked bc they only make some drinks, exactly one tray of hot teas, something in little party glasses idk, and this big-ass bowl of watermelon-pineapple-melon-mysterious fruit punchs.

I literally vaulted over kitchen window to their side, bc there's no time left and I'm the only one that free so I'm helping them cutting watermelons. I was cutting exactly half watermelon before I realize there are 3 bowls in different volumes. I think I get a little nervous breakdown there trying to choose which one to be the Big-ass Bowl with internal voice counting down the seconds.

Spouse's eldest sister literally save me with putting the watermelon I cut to the medium Big-ass bowl and ushering me somewhere about one of her friend need help, and this is only for few minutes and you still can get to the party afterwards, please?

So now I'm trudging forward outside two blocks from house to arrived in some kind of camp center. I'm a bit wary bc they're parking this huge oil truck in the road, with the right are only upper halves of trees visible, and left are a valley. arrived slowly at the entrance of this huge bulding complex, a man with rainbow-spiral-something shirt with huge speaker in hand jogs over and asked if I was the person send by the sister. I said yes.

He then ushered me to tables with girls and boys that even with my nearsighted eyes can tell are pretty. maybe they are models? I thought. but when we nearer and nearer to them and my sight improve a bit, bam, they are not models. They are foreigners!

I'm a bit shell-shocked bc wow, isn't that an actor from a Thailand movie?! I don't know his name, but I knew his face! That clear skin, baby face, and boyish smile.

.........oh god these are celebrities!!!

I'm a bit catatonic when I somehow get into a petticoat dress and staring into the sunset with morose expression while recorded by multiple cameras in different angles.

So actually they're doing filming for a drama movie. something about love triangle but with one female already dead of cancer?? idk. and the lead only minor character i think?

so then the sister friend is actually a producer, and the person that act as this minor role got an accident on-site. So somehow I become a body double on this fine afternoon.

the producer need to assured me repeatedly that my role only needs me to use expression, it didn't have dialogue bc the scheduled recording for this time only for flashback glimpses of the male lead's first love. (i gagged. in my mind only of course. god why did they always use cliche plots? ugh)

but i suck it up, put on my big girl pants, and act. I think I'm astral projecting bc I didn't remember what am i doing that time, but when I see the recording it was like seeing professional actress acted. The afternoon bleeds into red-ish evening, and producer said there's only one act left. 'oh good.' I say, not knowing this last act will become my grave for sanity.

'This act you need to do it with other sub. The role is to be the mother of your character. But i need this to be sad bc you just told your mother about your cancer.' he said.

I just nodded, bc there was some... thing that distracted me. it was the shadow of building lines that was a shade too dark, leaves shadow that moving a tad too erratic. and the fact that the people gradually decreased time after time, and now only consist of main roles actors, crew manning the cameras, the producer, and me. the lizard brain in me say i need to finish this early and came home straight away.

so when I see who will be the mother is, understandably I'm freakout. It was my mom.

'what the fuck?' i said to producer, flailing slightly bc my mom? acting?? what level of hell is this?

i grab my mom, and has split-second doubt about this person was really my mom bc, her reaction? 'oh what are you doing here early? I was searching you half an hour ago, we short of people helping to transport the foods.'

So actually after my family etc finished the celebration, we will give the crew some refreshment foods and drinks, and eventually I will still be the body double.

and all i was thinking is, 'I didn't eat the foods. this is sucks.'

anyway, after a cringing performance by me (bc the other actor is my real mom, it was super awful I'm embarassed, i never feel sad to my mom and now i need to do it? ugh), the sun already set and the place became a bit scary, I already want to go home. But when I want to go with my mom, she said she went with my sister in motorcycle so I can't go home with them. The producer said the crew will get me home, but I need to wait until the filming for this day finished.

Fuck. I need to get away from this place before I jinxed some scary things to appear.

the producer ushered me to sit in the cluster of chair for actors, putting me near the pretty boy Thailand actor. I'm an awkward muffin if someone pretty near me, and my face frozen into blank face. And now my body petrified with only my hands fidled with my phone, bc the pretty boy sat two chair behind me with the female lead actor and whispering to each other in their language.

repeatedly checking time bc when will the filming end?!, i also checking their position behind me, bc i feel they slowly sat nearer and nearer me.

Then i feel a breath blowing in my right ear.

I'm near catatonic in fright as my body tipped over. what the fuck is that. a person? a thing?!

Slowly, I look over my shoulder. Oh. It was the pretty boy. He laughing lowly, his face lights up in joy and his smile is so sweet in his pretty face.

I'm gonna deck him.

Just because he has cute face didn't mean i can't plant my right hook in his face. i hate jump-scare with a power of thousands stars. and he prank me with it!

And that's how for the last two minutes I'm tearing after him with a sole purpose to punch him. okay maybe not his face, maybe I'm gonna kick him in the balls.

I almost got him when he changes trajectory and ran to the road, and somersault a bit over tracks and slid into the crack between trucks. I'm annoyed bc i can't do that, and i don't know other road that crew use to go to the other side. And now he's hiding in the bathroom.

i blinked when i realize that I'm the only one standing in the road. the crew milling only in the camp center or the other side of trucks. and it's dark. and maybe it was my scary thought that make me hallucinate, but there's some dark cloud pouring slowly from the tree.

i slowly back away and trying to run inside the camp, but my body paralyzed right in front of the gate. i was in the process of passing out when the truck barricade moving away, and come two handsome males. i just blink stupidly at them. what the fuck?

one of them is the typical dark prince type. wearing dark clothes, has this perfect five o-clock shadow in his jaw, and piercing, cold blue eyes. while the other is the typical sun princes type. orangey hair, kind face, smiles, warm color clothes.

they walking to my side, 'are you okay? do you need help going inside?' etc etc but I'm still blanked at this, typical shoujo scene. Especially when the first man piercing me with glares as the second male pick me in bridal style.

I have epiphany.

This is some bizzare shoujo world that i lived in. I am the heroine, just because I'm become the body double of the actual heroine. there are 4 love interests. One of them is the pretty actor with baby face from Thailand. the second is a sporty manly firefighter that was moving the truck earlier. and this two handsome males. They have other 'darker' side, titled as Yandere, BDSM, Sociopath, and something about justify something. But I'm pretty sure the dark prince type are the one with yandere tendencies. And this scene, the one with sun prince picked me in bridal style, are the opening for dark prince's route.

and im scared shitless my soul practically dived into my body and wake me up.

[jmcmxciv]

Get to know me

Tag game! Rules: you must answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people

Tagged by @stellagetides​, thanks wifey! Even tho you didn’t tag me first...... I’m not tagging anyone bc this was hella long and i don’t want any of y’all to hate me but if you feel like doing this, obviously go ahead!

THE LAST: 1. drink: peach ice tea 2. phone call: my sis 3. text message: a friend 4. song you listened to: Beth Ditto - Fake Sugar 5. time you cried: this morning, watching the OB finale. i was NOT ready for any of it

HAVE YOU EVER: 6. dated someone twice: eh, sorta but not really. i wouldn’t really call that dating so, no. 7. kissed someone and regretted: yup 8. been cheated on: no 9. lost someone special: yeah 10. been depressed: nah 11. gotten drunk and thrown up: unfortunately

3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12. black black black when it comes to clothing 13. purple 14. orange

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. made new friends: yes!!! 16. fallen out of love: no, i’ve been head over heels for katie all this time 17. laughed until you cried: i always cry when i laugh, i’m a weirdo i know 18. found out someone was talking about you: yes, when @czasemsraczkaczasemnie​ showed me the texts between her and Alice​ when she was on her way to see me in Krakow. that was a wild trip hahahhaah 19. met someone who changed you: i believe everyone we come across in life change us in some way so yeah, definitely 20. found out who your friends are: i don’t know honestly. i guess nothing that big has happened that it would’ve made me rethink my friendships in any way 21. kissed someone on your Facebook list: yeah

RANDOM: 22. how many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: i don’t accept anyone i don’t know at all but most of them are still just acquaintances. so i really know maybe half of them. 23. do you have any pets: my mom has a dog who i affectionately call a Little Idiot 24. do you want to change your name: nah i’m cool with it 25. what did you do for your last birthday: CRIED BC I HAD JUST SEEN LANA DEL REY IN THE FLESH WHAT THE HELLLLLL. but anyways, that was at midnight on my birthday and on my actual bday i raved at a techno party in a thunderstorm and that was pretty cool. until the festival was interrupted for a few hours which made me miss Sampha and Goldfrapp and half of The xx. but it was still cool altogether. 26. what time did you wake up: about 10 27. what were you doing at midnight last night: watching Glow with my sister 28. name something you can’t wait for: for my thighs to stop being sore. me and my sister downed a few beers before we entered the festival area on sunday and for some stupid ass reason we thought it would be fun to try to squat on one leg and then try to get back up. which was impossible obviously bc i do not exercise ever but yes that happened. a lot. and i’m in a lot of pain now. please, do not ask. i do not know. 29.When was the last time you saw your mother: a few hours ago 30.What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: i would love to start uni this fall instead of having to wait yet another year bc i didn’t pass, again. it sucks so hard knowing exactly what you want to do for the rest of your fricking life but not being able to bc you didn’t pass the exam you thought you had aced. #foreverbitter 31. what are you listening to right now: Au Revoir Simone - Somebody Who 32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: yeah 33. something that is getting on your nerves: right now? me being so damn bitter over me not starting uni this fall. like, just get over it already??? 34. most visited website: i wish i didn’t have to say this but it’s the truth so, tumblr 35. what do you like about yourself: i’m kindhearted and always put others before myself. and also, my taste in music is 6/5 36. favorite food: carbs in general but pizza and chinese are always my go-to’s 37. hair colour: dirty blonde with lighter blonde highlights/sorta ombre 38. long or short hair: shoulder length 39. piercings: ears 40. blood type: i don’t know even. we tested it at school once and i was AB i think but i’m pretty sure i messed it up somehow 41. nicknames: jess if you don’t speak finnish and jesu if you do, plus a bunch of dumb ones my family calls me 42. relationship status: a single pringle 43. zodiac: leo 44. pronouns: she/her/hers 45. favourite tv show: ORPHAN BLACK ORPHAN BLACK ORPHAN BLACK damn i’m gonna miss that so much. Bones is amazing as well and so are Got, AHS, HTGAWM, JtV and HIMYM and yes i definitely picked them bc i love acronyms 46. tattoos: not yet but i have a couple of ideas 47. right or left handed: right 48. surgery: haven’t had any 49. If you could choose to be an animal, what would you want to be? I’d wanna be a tiger bc they are fricking gorgeous 50. sport: i watch hockey and sometimes ice skating if i happen to flick through the channels when it’s on. i don’t really enjoy doing any at the moment. except tipsy squatting apparently. 51. vacation: what are you asking really? my last vacation? or my ideal one? i have no idea so i’m just gonna say that my mini euro trip this summer was amazing and next i’d like to go anywhere i haven’t been before. my goal in life is to see as many places as i can 52. pair of trainers: again, what are you asking??? my favorite ones? how many i own? what? i don’t know what to tell ya man

MORE GENERAL: 53. eating: love it, not eating anything right now unfortunately 54. drinking: i would be drinking water but i left my bottle somewhere and i’m too lazy to get up from the couch. but dehydration is cool too so no problem. 55. i’m about to: i should go to sleep but chances are i’m just gonna keep refreshing tumblr until i pass out. if i ever finish this, thank you a-lice for making me suffer 56. waiting for: this thing to be over 57. want: money and world peace. not necessarily in that order. and actually, if you just give me world peace i’m happy without the money. 58. get married: definitely 59. career: i wanna be speech language pathologist so baddddd and i wanna specialize in post-acute brain injury rehabilitation

WHICH IS BETTER: 60. hugs or kisses: both are great obviously but i’m gonna say hugs 61. lips or eyes: ummm eyes i guess?? i don’t know??? 62. shorter or taller: i really do not care, except that maybe if a girl is a loooot shorter than me i’ll feel like a giant and that’s not something i would necessarily enjoy 63. older or younger: preferably about my age but it doesn’t really matter if we click. i wouldn’t date anyone under 20 tho 64. nice arms or nice stomach: i literally do not care at all. all arms and all stomachs are nice and i will fight anyone on this. 65. hook up or relationship: relationship all the way 66. troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant, but i sometimes make trouble unwittingly

HAVE YOU EVER: (why are there two different parts for this?? just asking) 67. kissed a stranger: yeah 68. drank hard liquor: unfortunately, yes 69. lost glasses/contact lenses: nope 70. turned someone down: yeah 71. sex on the first date: i wouldn’t plan on it (okay i forgot this was have you ever so edit: yeah) 72. broken someone’s heart: i don’t think so 73. had your heart broken: kinda yeah but that was super dumb and i’m 1000% over it 74. been arrested: not yet but if i ever enter the US again i probably will be. the smooth criminal that i am 75. cried when someone died: yeah 76. fallen for a friend: sorta yeah but only briefly

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 77. yourself: sometimes 78. miracles: not really 79. love at first sight: no 80. santa claus: sure 81. kiss on the first date: why not 82. angels: girls? angels? absolutely

OTHER: 83. current best friend’s name: i don’t really have a best friend 84. eye colour: greenish blue 85. favourite movie: WONDER WOMAN was amazing and also i love carol and the handmaiden. hidden figures was good too. somehow i’ve forgotten the names of all the other films i’ve watched in my life so i’m just gonna go with the four. plus, i’ve definitely seen mean girls more times than any of you combined and this is something i’m legitimately proud of. no joke.

[pikapegasus]

Starmora 53

53. “Sit down. I’ll get it.”

bc what’s life without some peter hurt and gamora comfort????? aka starmora hurt/comfort muahaah but don’t worry friends, this one’s pretty angst free for once (sh00k)

send me a ship + a number!!!

Peter can’t move.

Well, yes, actually, he is still very much capable of movement, but not without asteep price. Even the slightest movement results in an aggressive, explosivepain in his head, and he has to screw his eyes shut to stop the world fromspinning every time. He’s always hated head injuries the most. He’d take death by stabbing over death by blunt force trauma to the head, to be honest—because at least then, his head wouldn’t threaten him to completely implode, then explode, then implode again, like it is now.

And it’s all because of a stupid situation caused by his stupid friends.

He loves his team dearly—really, he does; they’re hisfamily, and he wouldn’t trade them for the world, or an eternity, like a certain celestial jackass had thought, the dick—but as fun as their chaotic, supportive environmentis, he has his limits.

His new limit: Rocket and Drax starting bar fights withinfive minutes (at most) upon entering a bar.

Even after a year together, this is still a recurringproblem whenever the team goes for a night out. Peter’s not really sure why; it probably has something to dowith the duo’s deep, underlying issues from their respective traumatic backgrounds, or justexpending frustrating energy after spending so much time in such a small spacewith such obnoxious people, but,whatever, because either way, Peter’s still confined to his bed after getting straight-up decked while trying to break up thescuffle they’d caused.

(Although, there is hope that this will be the last time, forat least a while, that the Drax-and-Rocket-bar-fights will continue to happen regularly,because Gamora looked just short of absolutely pissed about it from what Peter saw before he passed out, and if hecan’t stop Drax and Rocket, then Gamora might be able to scare the problem outof them.)

Then he came to in his bed to the sound of hushed, furiouswhispers outside his door in what sounded like a one-sided argument (scolding) between Gamora and Rocket andDrax.

Whatever. The two bastards deserve it for dragging him intotheir mess, anyway.

“Peter,” comes a soft voice, contrasting the harsh whispersfrom earlier, “I need you to wake up.”

He gives a little grunt to indicate that he’s still alive,but she lays a soft hand on his face, stroking his cheek gently, and, seriously, if it was literally anyone else asking him, he’d have turnedover and ignored them completely.

But he complies, opening his eyes to the sight of Gamora,standing over him with a small smile.

“It hurts to talk,” he whispers, struggling to get the wordsout.

“I know,” she says, removing her hand. “I need tocheck up on you every few hours; I think you have a concussion.”

He groans, but that hurts, making him groan again, and just—

“Shit,” hemanages, screwing his eyes shut.

“Is there anything you need?” she asks quietly, probablycontrolling her volume for his sake. “Food? Water?”

Debating between the pain of shaking his head and the painof verbally answering, he finally settles for a noise through closed lips thathe hopes sounds somewhat like a “no.”

But if anything’s improved in their time together, unlike Rocket and Drax’s stagnant coping mechanisms at bars, it’s Peter’scommunication with Gamora, because she just understands things, and heunderstands her, and it’s pretty great, being able to have silent conversationsvia facial expressions over the heads of the others, leaving them all wondering whothey’re talking about and what they did wrong.

(“It’s, like, a totalparenting thing,” he’d told Gamora one time, and she seemed cool with it.)

Gamora, predictably, understands. She nods, offering him asoft smile. “Okay. You can go back to sleep now.”

He stares up at her with big eyes, blinking slowly.

“I’m staying with you,” she reassures him. “I’m not goingto leave you to die in your sleep. If you do that, I’ll be here to kill you forit right away.”

It hurts to laugh.

Sometime later, Peter wakes up on his own, tangled up inGamora’s arms and legs. They usually rotate their cuddling—the first time Peterhad mentioned their cuddling toGamora, she insisted she threw up a little in her mouth at the mushy idea, buthe knows she loves it just as much as he does—positions, with her curling intohim some nights, and vice versa. Apparently, tonight, they’ve just been amutual mess, unconsciously trying to latch onto each other.

His head feels a bit better from earlier, but still nowherenear normal. Judging by the lack of noise from the rest of the ship, everyoneelse is probably sleeping.

Despite the idea of a (for once) quiet Quadrant appealing to his lingering headache, thesilence puts him on edge. There’s the comforting sound of Gamora’s breathing,yes, but he needs something else, something specific.

…Where’d his Zune end up during the fight, anyway?

At some point after returning to the ship, Gamora had helped himchange out of his clothes into proper pajamas, so his Zune might be with hislaundry, unless Gamora took it and moved it somewhere else.

Carefully, he pulls away from Gamora, watching her for somesort of reaction. When she remains asleep, he takes a deep breath,steeling himself to sit up in the bed and pull the covers off. Heturns his legs to the side of the bed, placing his feet down on the floor. Countingdown in his mind, he manages to push up into a standing position whileholding onto the nightstand to steady himself.

The Zune could be in a number of places, but he’s willing tolook. Sometimes, he just can’t notlisten to the music from his mother—and now Yondu—and he typically puts downwhatever he’s doing to fulfill that need.

He makes it about two steps forward before Gamora sleepilycalls after him, “Why are you up?”

Busted.

Turning back carefully, he finds Gamora now sitting up inbed, rubbing at her eyes.

“You should still be in bed,” she continues. “You need to rest.”

He stays in place. “I wanted my Zune.”

Now she’s up on her feet, gesturing to the bed. “Sit down. I’llget it.”

Though her tone is far from impatient, he frowns. It sucks that she has to dopractically everything for him whilehe’s hurt, but he does as she says, making his way back to the bed andcarefully sliding back under the covers.

She walks around the bed to a set of drawers, from which sheprocures the Zune and his earbuds. While walking back to the bed, she fiddleswith it—probably scrolling through his songs to choose one for the two of themto listen to—but then she stops, cursing under her breath.

“The battery needs to be charged,” she says with a sigh.

“Oh.”

He tries not to sound disappointed, but everything’s pretty shitty right now. She hooks it up to thecharger on Peter’s nightstand before returning to her side of the bed andcrawling in with him.

“I’m sorry, Peter,” she murmurs, facing him. He turns toface her. “I should’ve checked if it was charged earlier when I took it out ofyour pocket.”

“’S’fine,” he mumbles. “I don’t need it.”

She presses her lips together thoughtfully. “What song didyou want to listen to?”

“I was just gonna putit on shuffle.” He shrugs.

“Well…” she pauses, searching his eyes. “I know a few of thesongs.”

He raises his eyebrows at that, ignoring the way his brainprotests the sudden movement, grinning a little. Her words give him a second wind, revitalizing him a bit. “Do you take requests?”

“On special occasions.”

“And this is…?”

“I suppose it is, indeed, a special occasion.”

His head still hurts like a bitch, but as he curls into Gamora with this stupid smile on hisface, he forces himself to ignore it as much as possible. She wraps an arm aroundhim, holding him close to her. He sighs, resting his head against her chest. “Inthat case, I have a song in mind. A special song. For this special occasion.”

“Yes?”

“Y’know any Elvin Bishop?”

Though he can’t see her face, he imagines her rolling hereyes in her own Gamora way, accompanied by her typical smirk. As she startshumming the familiar tune, Peter relaxes his entire body, closing his eyes andfocusing on her soft voice.

Before he completely loses himself to sleep, he manages tomumble a hasty “thank you” to her.

send me a ship + one of these prompts about your ship sharing a bed!!!