#anyway idk why I'm writing this really i just needed to vent

[man-made-misery]

Tw for illness/death

[strongheartneteyam]

Realize where you belong.

Chapter 9

Pairing: neteyam sully x female!dreamwalker!reader/female!human!reader

CW: wholesome fluff, a good amount of angst, lo'ak being nosy lol jk he's genuinely trying to look after neteyam, descriptions of masturbation, TRIGGER WARNING for mentions of depressive symptoms, reader meeting neteyam in her avatar body, neteyam and reader vent to each other about their struggles, sensitive themes, hurt/comfort, cuddling, sexual tension, kissing, sexual content, mentions of sexual fluids, neteyam slightly begging to mate with reader, foreplay (i don't know if it counts but it definitely is teasing in a sexual way). Tell me if I missed something ♡

Hello, my cute little readers! I got a little better in terms of my fibro flare up and have been feeling a little better emotionally/mentally these days, so, I was able to write again. There's a slight chance that some paragraphs are a bit confusing. I didn't fully proofread it. I'm sorry, my babies, I'm really tired right now, really achy, still. And I'm extremely hungry and there's some delicious homemade orange cake in front of me waiting to be eaten 😍 I've already eaten two pieces of it and drank a full cup of coffee with milk but I NEED to eat more bc I'm still starving and I love cake and coffee 🤤 idk about other countries but it's a tradition that we have here in Brazil to eat cake and drink coffee, together 🤍 anyways I gotta shut up now lol Hope you enjoy this chapter! I'd love to read your lovely comments down below 👉🏻👈🏻 I love y'all SO MUUUCH 😘 

Slightly proofread.

Chapter 8

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷

No way out of your quicksand

But I can breathe underneath

Take your love, cover me

Pull me down, pull me down

You are wonderful

You've taken all of my heart

It was so worth the fall

Don't let go

Quicksand (Bridgit Mendler)

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷

Today you felt anxious but excited. It was your first day off in a week. You were gonna Dreamwalk in your Avatar today. But you were not gonna be on a solo mission this time. Neteyam would be by your side. You two had planned to meet each other next to the river you always loved to play in. You had always loved running water.

Having Neteyam around felt like a breath of fresh air to you since you never truly felt at home amidst other human beings and, after so many years, it started to feel like a joke to you to insist on trying to fit into a society that seemed to not even want you there, in the first place. Most people behaved towards you like you were weird in some way. Neteyam never made you feel that way. You did not know if it was in view of the fact that he was na'vi or if it was just because he was in love with you.

You had always preferred to live among plants, insects, songs, books, animals… on your own little world, since you were a little girl. Everybody used to call you a daydreamer, saying you had your head on the clouds. When you were a child, you did not let that get under your skin. That's the beauty of childhood wonder, it has a lot of wisdom in it that we seem to forget, once we start growing up. Your little self never cared about those "demonstrations of care and concern" (that were nothing but condescending criticism and you never understood why people tried to conceal that fact if it was so obvious) because you knew you were not crazy or completely oblivious to reality like they used to say. Your fun and whimsical inner world was what felt like home to you, not the everyday mundane routine, the protocols that seemed ridiculously stupid to you, the shallow conversations and gossip… the over-all human society. It fucking sucked, if you were going to be totally honest. 

It's not that you hated your own kind. No. It's just that you hated the way they built their empires, throughout history, the tainted legacy the ancestors left for the ones to come in the future - like a dying Planet, for example -, because of their own stupidity and recklessness.

You knew you were not harming anyone - yourself included - despite always engaging in daydreaming, all alone, with your earbuds on or just staring at a beautiful landscape and your grip on reality was still in check. Your grip on reality was actually so tight, your fingers would get hurt and start to bleed sometimes, because reality is a double bladed sword. It keeps you safe and stable, it is needed for you to not go bonkers, but it also cuts you deep with its sharp edges.

༊⁀➷

Neteyam prepared to go out today to meet you during the day for the first time after the both of you became mates. It was just like Eywa had blessed him as he was able to finish all his duties to the clan and his training a little earlier than the usual today. Or maybe the Great Mother had nothing to do with it and it was all Neteyam making the greatest effort ever just to be able to spend some time with you in the daylight and finally see you in your na'vi body again. He missed seeing you like that. He missed the way your tail would wag softly showing you were feeling happy, he missed looking at your stripes and thinking they were the most beautiful stripes he had ever seen and most of all, he missed admiring the way you loved his planet, the way you respected and appreciated Eywa instead of hurting her.

When Neteyam was taking his bow and arrows and putting them on his back, ready to go into the woods to meet you, Lo'ak approached him, suspicious.

"Where are you going, bro?"

"To the forest. Maybe I can hunt for some food and if I'm lucky I'll bring us some good meat for dinner." Neteyam smiled and gave his younger brother a head pat, rapidly walking out of the Sully's hut door

Lo'ak wanted to yell something to his older brother, something like "I know there's something you're not telling me" but he did not. If Neteyam was hiding something, it would probably not be something that would harm him - Neteyam. Everybody knew how responsible - to the point of being annoying, sometimes - Neteyam was. Lo'ak used to get Neteyam into trouble all the time back when they were just teenagers and he was trying not to do that as much as he used to, even though he was not exactly doing a great job - he was doing a terrible job, actually - but he was still trying. He would still keep an eye on his older brother - "It seems like the tables have turned, huh?" Lo'ak thought - but he would leave him alone to do whatever he was going to do in the forest. He knew Neteyam did not have much free time for himself and he sometimes felt sorry for him, seeing him so tired and even stressed out really often because of his Olo'eyktan to be training and his responsibilities as the older brother. Lo'ak used to hold some grudges on his older brother when he was younger but now he understood that Neteyam actually struggled a lot too.

Neteyam pretended to not notice anything when he was leaving home but he did not fail to see the mistrust on Lo'ak's face. That was something he would have to deal with sooner than he wanted to, he acknowledged. He also thought about how his mother would react when she eventually finds out that her son, the future Olo'eyktan of their tribe, was in a relationship with a human girl. Neteyam did not want to disappoint his mother. He knew how proud she was of him and it hurt to think that she could start to think badly of him. He tried his hardest to whoosh those thoughts away.

༊⁀➷

The Pandoran sun shone bright up in the sky, its rays reflecting on your bioluminescent freckles, making them a little more evident on your skin. The soothing sound of the leaves dancing with the pleasant wind and the water running in the nearby river filled the atmosphere around you. You walked slowly towards Neteyam, adrenaline dancing around in your belly in a bittersweet motion.

When Neteyam looked at you, it was like lightning had struck him. Not a destructive kind of lightning but a good one, sweet in its intensity, falling strongly all over him. Neteyam was seeing you in your Avatar for the first time after you had become his mate.

Your mouth was somewhat open, revealing your upper teeth and your na'vi (Avatar?) fangs. Your gaze revealed how much you had anticipated that moment, how much you stayed up when you should be sleeping, thinking about finally being able to see the look in Neteyam's face when he saw you in your Avatar. You knew he had watched you while you were Dreamwalking too many times before but you never got to see the admiration in his eyes when he did so as he had been stalking you, not letting you know he was around. You had wished to see his beautiful golden eyes captivated by you for so long. You wanted to feel pretty and desired like that. And now you were finally experiencing it as Neteyam looked almost dumb with enchantment while he stared at you. But cute dumb, you know? So damn cute…

You stared back at him as you took the last steps towards the place where he stood, as if he was frozen.

Neteyam felt like he was not able to move as he took in how beautiful you looked. He had never seen your na'vi body so close to his own body and it felt overwhelmingly good to do so. His sweet yawne finally belonged to him and he could now touch you and hold you in the physical form he found you most beautiful in. It's not like he did not think you were madly beautiful and hot in your human body, he always wanted to pin you down and make love to you while he was close to your human form, but nothing compared to seeing you in your na'vi form, the form where you smiled the most, where you seemed so much more alive and full of lust for experiencing the world around you. That made you even prettier. Happiness looked pretty on you.

Neteyam was na'vi and his people did not have as many severe mental struggles like humans did but there were rare cases where some na'vi who went through terrible trauma in their lives did become uninterested in fighting their dark thoughts and they did become extremely depressed, though they could be cured from that illness through rituals that healed the spirit, performed by their clan's Tsahìk.

Neteyam was not blind or oblivious to things that were obvious to the naked eye. He knew that nobody would break down and cry as often as you did, only minutes after waking up in the morning, while getting ready for work etc if this person was not in an enormous amount of pain, the kind of pain that made them wish to disappear and never be found again. Thinking about his mate feeling that kind of sorrow made him feel like his heart was being torn into pieces, blood spilling from it like water spills from a fountain.

The reason why Neteyam was so determined to convince you to transfer your consciousness to your na'vi body forever was not some selfish wish, it was not just because he wanted to take you to his tribe and have you be his mate, be able to bond with you through tsaheylu every night and get to love your body, sharing his affection and sexual pleasure with you as well as feeling your own through the bond - even though that thought did wake up a raw, intense desire and need inside of him and he just could not stop himself from fantasizing about that while stroking his cock when he could be all by himself without any chance of disturbance. Neteyam also wanted to give you the opportunity to live a blissful and fulfilling life, a life where you would laugh way more often than cry. If he knew someone that deserved nothing less than that, that person was you.

If in the worst case scenario, you still felt so bad after you had your consciousness transferred to your na'vi body, Neteyam planned to ask his mother to perform a ritual that heals the spirit on you. Thinking about that, he suddenly felt anxious and he felt his heart tightening inside his chest. Neteyam had been trying not to worry about the fact that it would be extremely hard to convince his mother to accept you as his mate and perform the ritual of transference of consciousness on you but that thought had been eating him alive constantly, ever since he talked to you for the first time, outside of the laboratory’s kitchen window.

"Hi, muntxatan." (male mate) Neteyam's heart started beating quickly and it almost came out of his throat when he heard you calling him your mate in his people's language as you stopped in front of him and smiled widely, your eyes narrowing slightly. Those torturing thoughts about his mother trying to tear the both of you apart quickly were washed away from his mind by your presence. It was hypnotizing to him.

"Yawntu… You're just so beautiful. So insanely beautiful." Neteyam smiled, his eyes shining, still bewitched by you, and pushed you roughly against his body. He hugged you tighter than he ever did before since he knew he wouldn't hurt you by doing so when you're Dreamwalking. The size difference between the both of you was not that substantial anymore. His chin rested on the top of your head as he held you strongly against his body.

His roughness did not hurt you, on the contrary, it made you feel safe and protected to have his big - currently not huge, just big - arms around you, keeping your body close as your head was against his chest, your eyes shut and you could hear his heart beating fast. It made you indescribably happy to know that you were the reason for that quick heartbeat. You curled your lips up, smiling peacefully.

Peace. You spent so much time without feeling that but, after you accepted becoming Neteyam's mate, finally defeating your cruel fears, you started to feel peaceful way more often than you had ever felt in your life, even more often than you did when you were little.

Neteyam distanced your bodies a bit, still putting his hands on the sides of your arms, right below your shoulders and announced:

"Come! There's a place I wanna take you to." He took your hand and started walking in front of you, excitedly leading you somewhere 

"Where are you taking me?" You smiled and chuckled softly, curious

"You'll see." It was all he said

Neteyam made you feel excited about little things, like you were just a child again, a feeling you hadn't felt in so, so long. After Neteyam came to your life, it was like he painted vivid colors on your once all too white and dull canvas. You almost shivered at the reminder that you nearly ruined your chance to have a love so pure and true such as this one because of fear of the unknown and refusal of getting out of your comfort zone.

After walking through the rainforest with you for a little while, Neteyam stopped in front of a tall, large tree and you soon recognized it. Its branches had clusters that were full of some beautiful fruits that reminded you of blueberries that used to exist on Earth, before they went extinct.

"Here. Do you recognize this tree? I've seen you look at it so many times. Were you wondering if the yovo fruits are safe to eat?"

"Yeah." You smiled bashfully "They look delicious."

"And they are. They're safe to eat, yawne. We can eat some now, if you want to." Neteyam smiled kindly at you. The fact that he remembered small details about you made your heart melt. 

"I'd love that, Teyam."

Neteyam smiled, unbelieving.

"What did you call me?"

"Teyam…?" You furrowed your eyebrows "It's just a nickname I came up with for you… Do you hate it?" You contorted your features in a way that showed him you were feeling slightly insecure and embarrassed 

"No! I love it, yawntutsyìp! I love it." He smiled and chuckled "I just wasn't expecting it. I love that my muntxate is calling me by a special nickname. Feels intimate." Neteyam came closer to you and held your face with both his beautiful strong blue hands

You looked up at his face with doe eyes and waited as you knew what was coming. You could feel it. The sneaky butterflies started flying inside your belly again.

Neteyam kissed you slowly, crushing his soft wet lips against yours. He pressed his lips on your mouth again and again for a short amount of time but it was enough to make your legs feel weak.

"Come, oeyä muntxate. I'll help you climb the tree."

Neteyam did as he said and soon enough you both were sitting on the wooden "floor" of the tree, sharing yovo fruits and eating them.

You two started to chill and talk about everyday life. It felt so good. It felt familiar, just like any relationship you had had before with a human guy, but better. So much better. Your alien boyfriend - mate? It felt so weird to say it like that… - made you feel things that none of your ex human boyfriends could ever dream to do. Neteyam made you feel understood. He did not judge you. He made you feel at home. Neteyam was becoming home for you.

You started to tell him how sad and done with everything you sometimes felt. Well, not sometimes… It happened all the time, even though it got better now that Neteyam was in your life. But you did not want to make him worry about you.

"You know, sometimes I feel like that too."

"What do you mean?" You questioned

"Like there's so much chaos inside that I just wanna talk to someone and vent. But I'm always so busy. There never seems to be time to find someone to do that with."

You were slightly surprised. 

"Yeah, me too. Always too busy." You sighed "And exhausted, to be honest. Both physically and mentally."

"Well, I do have way more stamina than humans do" You laughed at Neteyam's teasing "But some nights I come home from training and after taking care of my siblings, really, really tired too. And I don't mean only physically."

"We have some stuff in common, don't we?" You pointed out, smiling

"We certainly do." He smiled back

You felt good knowing that.

Neteyam laid on the floor, right by your side.

"I'm full" He let out a laugh that sounded lovely in your ears while stroking his stomach.

"Me too." You laid on the floor too, just like Neteyam had just done. Your belly felt pleasantly filled up "But these fruits are so good I'd still eat a dozen of them." You playfully said, laughing

"Do you want more? I can get you some more." Neteyam gently offered

"No, it's okay, Teyam. I'm good for now." You smiled at him

Neteyam smiled back, showing no teeth, a soft, enamored look in his feline amber eyes.

You two spent some time together in comfortable silence.

"Oeyä muntxate?"

"Yeah?" You looked at him and let out a relaxed sigh, smiling softly

"Oel ngati kameie." He said, with vulnerable sincerity in his eyes

It seemed like he was gazing inside your very soul. Like his golden eyes could see something in you nobody else could. Like he saw who you truly were. Like Neteyam saw the good and bad and the ugly and the greatness and the doubts and the fears and the uniqueness and the ordinary parts of you, like he saw all of you, and it did not scare him off to see your dark side. You could feel he was staying for both your virtues and your vices. And maybe that's what "Oel ngati kameie" meant, when said to the one you're choosing to be your mate. Means connecting to someone in a raw, deep way, a way that nobody else is able to. A way that allows you to see the other person's flaws but not be afraid of them and try to find a way out. A way that allows you to see the grace in every little detail that that other soul has, to see the beauty in them that they themselves could never see.

"Oel ngati kameie…" You finally said, smiling, still not believing he had said those words to you

Neteyam smiled brightly while gazing into your eyes. He always looked deep inside your eyes… It felt almost too much but it still had just the right amount of intensity for it to be deliciously alluring instead of overwhelming.

Neteyam took your hand and intertwined your fingers on his. You felt the touch of his warm hand burning your skin in a pleasant way. After a few seconds, he kissed the back of your hand tenderly. You kept staring at both your hands glued together for a while.

"I wanna cuddle with you, oeyä muntxate." His voice brought your attention back to his face.

You could hear nervousness and need in his tone.

"Sure, yawne."

You were starting to really like calling Neteyam by na'vi pet names. The na'vi language was incredibly pleasing to the ears, in your opinion.

Neteyam started moving your body carefully, so you could lay on your side and when you obeyed, laying in said position, he himself laid on his side and pulled you in, making your body be as close to his as he could, your ass against his clothed member. 

Your lungs started to do a poor job at helping you breathe now that the both of you were so close. You got nervous as you two had, yes, cuddled before, when you were in your human body, but he was never behind you like that, his body glued to yours. You knew he could feel your ass on his cock. Your heart was beating at the speed of light.

It did not take long for you to start to feel Neteyam was now fully erect, his cock pressed against your ass. You felt the inner walls of your pussy start to twitch and you got all wet, your juices spreading over your panties. Neteyam was so big and thick and your body responded like crazy to him.

It was a violent, invincible desire that made Neteyam cling so much to you, all the time. It would burn his insides, making him yearn for you, for your touch, for your warmth. There was no rational explanation inside his head for it. Neteyam could not understand it, he could only feel it covering all his being, exuding from his eyes whenever he looked at you, touched you, kissed you… He knew you could tell how much he was thirsty for you almost all the time. But Neteyam did not care about being so vulnerable. He wanted you to know what you did to him. Maybe like that you would surrender sooner and give yourself to him completely already. He felt so impatient. Everyday it was getting harder and harder for him to not take you in his arms and mate with you. This wait was killing him, day by day. It was like a slow and agonizing death. And now that he could smell your sweet juices so vividly, he felt like he could no longer hold back.

Neteyam pushed you even closer to him. You whimpered softly, the feeling of his huge, girthy cock pressed against your butt was divine.

Neteyam got you crazily wet just so quickly that it never failed to surprise you. He was like quicksand to you; you could try and run as much as you wanted but you would always end up being swallowed by his love.

"I need you so much, muntxate…" He cried out softly in your ear while rubbing his hard cock on your ass. "You're all wet for me. You smell so good, it's intoxicating." He sniffed the air, savoring your natural scent just like it was the most mouthwatering thing he had ever felt filling his sensitive nostrils "Please, lemme make you mine completely, my sweet yawne. Please…"

༊⁀➷

Taglist:

@kitsunefirewail

@tumblingdevils

@a-blog-name-2003

@xylobee

@nerdybouquetofkittens-blog

@henhouse-horrors

@lala-1516

@xylianasblog

@samistars

@crazy4books1

@explosiongamora

@lik0

@your-girl-mj

@darktyrantwinner

@sereisstuff

@yeosxxx

@die4niyahhh

@iman-lu

@manumanulau

@im-in-a-pansexual-panik

@hana-yuri

@thehoneymushroomhealer

@melllinaa

@annaibansworld

@siriuslysmoking

@avatar4eva

@ellabellabus07

@badbishsblog

@neteyamsmate4life

@c-h-i-l

@criticallybella

@celi-xxmoon

[shadows-flames-and-ink]

After waiting the whole day, I FINALLY watched Act III of Arcane last night, and it did not disappoint. Once again, I need to rant about things I'm sure pretty much everyone already knows, but if I don't my skull will split in half. I'll definitely be bouncing around a bit here, this is going to take a while

I don't quite understand how Vi's death fixed the Silco problem in the alternate timeline, especially since he was experimenting with Shimmer when the job was taking place in the main timeline. (Edit: saw people talking about how her death was a wakeup call that convinced him to try a different way to improve the undercity without bringing down topside, and I really like that) Also, does other-Powder keeping some Hex-crystals and seeing what Ekko and Heimerdinger did with the shards mean that she could make Hextech in her universe and mess up their stuff? Also, what about Heimerdinger? Was he sent to another timeline? Somewhere else in the main one? What about the other-Heimerdinger, what happened to them? Other-Ekko lived, so why not him?

Either way, I thought it was a cute episode, it was nice to see Powder happy again. It was also kinda funny watching it switch between Ekko and Powder being cute together and Jayce barely surviving in the apocalypse

Back in the main timeline, seeing how broken Jinx was after Isha died broke me. When she started burning everything, then Ekko had to stop her from killing herself like a dozen times? That was just heartbreaking

On a happier note, Caitvi!!! I'm very happy they're together, of course, but um... well, I watched this show with my parents... so this happened:

Me: (internally) yay! they're together again!

(They start taking each other's clothes off)

Me: (internally) this got very awkward very fast... say something, anything

Me: (obviously embarrassed) well... um... at least we can see Vi's whole tattoo now, that's kinda cool

Mom: Are you saying it's cool we get to see them nak-

So that was not at all an awkward three minutes.

Anyway, not long after that, when everyone was preparing for the war with the Noxians and Victor's cult, I remembered Maddie existed. At first, I kinda felt bad for her, because she probably had no idea about the cell stuff and she liked Cait too. Then, when she revealed herself as a traitor, I didn't. Then Mel's magic made a bullet play pinball with her brain, so that was interesting. It was a rollercoaster of emotion for five minutes, cool death scene, and a great way to show off Mel's powers

Speaking of, Mel's duel with her mom? Awesome fight scene, got really scared for Cait for a while. The Black Rose at the end was cool, and Mel saying she knows who it is makes me very interested in a potential future project that explores that more

The Ekko-Jayce-Victor fight was amazing. Ekko redoing every mistake, even risking going back to far and breaking part of Victor's... mask? Face? Idk, what was that?

Anyways, the astral plane scene was beautiful. Plus, the flashback of wizard-Victor showing Jayce all the different runestones in different timelines to stop the Glorious Evolution Hex-Victor was incredible

I'm still confused though about how, when Victor and Jayce went into the runestone, all the other cultists died but Warwick was still able to keep fighting. That whole scene was sad, and Jinx sacrificing herself to save Vi was just depressing, but I'm calling it right now, Jinx isn't dead

In the end scene with Cait and Vi together after everything, Cait was looking at the Kiramman computer thing. More specifically, a blueprint of the Hexgates, zoomed-in around where Jinx would have blown herself up. In plain English, I could read at least 2-4 air ducts and vents marked down. Most of the writing in-universe is their own language, usually narrated over by one of the characters (right?). Only signs and sometimes names are in English, so the fact that the diagram had English means that we were supposed to read it, and know Cait was looking for something. Plus, Jinx's bombs always have colorful smoke with the explosion, so we never saw her body. I'm saying she blew up Warwick and somehow managed to ride the shockwave or Shimmer-dash to an air duct. I fully believe that Jinx is still alive

This show destroyed me, I loved every second of it. Can't wait to see more from this universe

I think that's it for now. I'm probably going to spend the rest of the day scrolling through all the Arcane tags writing, so I'll leave this here. I'll edit this if I think of anything else I guess. If you're still here, thanks for reading and have a nice day

[yuriyuruandyuraart]

Hi? Gosh how do I even start with this :'D

I know it's been ages since I've last popped up on here. I've been debating when to post this for a while, but I kept adding to my draft more and more and now it's the end of JULY omgg I felt so guilty disappearing with zero updates but then thought my birthday would be the best day to finally address this considering it'll feel less random? idk but Ive always celebrated my bday with you guys and I'd feel so bad answering your kind asks without me at least explaining why I was gone for months.

Truth be told, I was dealing with a lot of stuff irl. health issues and sudden declining grades that left me stumped and drained for months now- along with technical issues like having to replace some parts of my computer that took a while for me to find to even draw digitally, which I didn't have the time for anyway with how tired and weary I felt every day.

I'm frankly shaken up by a lot of shit rn and I don't know how to be active online with this burden on my chest- Especially as it's been a while since I've even looked at utmv related content and my motivation dwindled. I swear I'd hype myself up to post or reblog something- but I'd see just how much I've missed or the overwhelming amount of posts I'd need to go through and I'd feel so swamped with exhaustion and most importantly guilt, for not clearing the air up sooner to reassure you guys that I'm, y'know, alive, and not dead in a ditch somewhere. And I'd procrastinate cause typing it all out is hard and I'd give up halfway every time and it's just not fair to you all!

I thought I was handling it well when I started going out and socializing more, instead of staying cooped up at home on my computer all day. and in the first draft of this post I made months ago I was gonna detail some of the fun plans I had, for my life and for this blog :D but relaxing my strict study schedule and letting go a bit of my tight routine, thinking it was better than wringing myself dry to keep it up, backfired horribly, to say the least.

I know right?? so silly to be hung up on stupid shit like studies of all things! but this is a very important thing for me considering my career plans and the competitivity encouraged by everyone I'm surrounded by, the pressure of keeping up adding to my already stressful days. I had to fix myself up first and I couldn't handle the strain nor interact with people and thinking of jobs and exams sapped my energy so much it's frankly embarrassing. writing this feels so cheesy too and it frustrates me to know I could've come back a month earlier if it weren't for that, but I also know putting all of this into words then would just sound like incoherent venting (not that this is very different tbf) and I wasn't in the right headspace to address my absence, or anything really- I didn't want everyone to see me return when I couldn't muster up a genuinely positive message, let alone talk to anyone with a shadow of my usual cheer

I feel like a complete mess and It drives me up the wall how depressed I've gotten. I debated deleting this blog so many times 'cause the fear of disappointing my audience and my friends, for lack of a more fitting sentiment, made me feel even shittier. I'm constantly thinking if this wall of text is worth posting, or if it's better not to burden you all with all my sappy troubles as if it's the end of the world. Trust me, I'll be fine. I'm not trying to dramatize this situation, but I don't think I'm up to pretending I'm all sunshine and enthusiasm you're all accustomed to.

So sorry for worrying you all! I'll try to catch up, deliver some missed birthday gifts, and answer some asks while I'm at it! Again, I can't state how much I appreciate your support throughout the years. It's frankly a miracle I kept any of you around with how much I keep popping and leaving at random with no warning. I definitely can't promise for my stay to be without a hitch, and if you don't mind an inconsistent schedule you're free to stay of course, but I'm afraid I can't sustain the pace I had when I first started this blog. I'll keep posting art, but lower my activity in the fandom sphere to reduce the strain on my mental health. so fewer rants and walls of text, more art, and less stress overall. Love you all and thanks for waiting for this long <3

[crystalizedcryolite]

/vent??

I am.. so sick of all this a/i stuff

Its just wrong- it takes away the beauty of all art forms, whether its writing, art, or music.

Generative a/i, character a/i, doesn't matter. It still steals from actual artists. It still steals from good, hard work, and for what? Roleplay? Free time?

It could've been great, really. Instead of using a/i to do the mundane- like chores, or using it to solve something revolutionary in the field of science and medicine, they use it for.. "art." For uncanny-valley, cocomelon-type pictures. For incorrect information in graphics AND in writing. We don't want a/i to draw and write for us so we can do chores (I saw this in a tweet once), we want a/i to do our chores so we can draw and write.

And I'm so, so sick of people acting like its a good thing, like using generative a/i is justifiable in anyway, or just cause others may be using it.

It's everywhere, now. My friend -idk if we're friends anymore, honestly- uses c-a/i and swears it's "just for roleplay," the pastor at church used generative a/i to get a picture of something from the Bible, and students at school uses ChatGPT to get the job done.

Don't they see how damaging it is to not only the art industry, but to the world?

C-a/i is never accurate to the characters they portray. They steal from fics and turn it into their generative slop. It's not even good slop! The grammar? Punctuation? Proper sentences? Don't need that, apparently! In fact, that very same "friend" showed me a screenshot of c-a/i messing up by saying Tails (from Sonic the Hedgehog) is the only one who'd be seen riding a motorcycle. And any STH fan would know that its not Tails, it's Shadow who rides a motorcycle. Tails rides a plane.

A/i "art" is even worse. I've seen how inaccurate the final stuff could be. A baby bird doesn't look like a real one when generated through that slop. It's actually damaging to how we see information. Not only that, but the "art" generated is still so, so harmful to actual artists. Who needs passion, anyway? Who needs love put into art, anyway? When generating an a/i image, you put love and passion... where, exactly? In the prompt box?

I'll explain this in hypotheticals.

Its the year 2030. You wake up and begin a brand new day.

You open a book and cringe. This doesn't look like a good plot. This doesn't look like a plot, at all?

You learn that it's written through character a/i.

You turn the TV on. All the cartoons you used to love is gone. An uncanny "cartoon" took its place, with soulless eyes and a robotic voice. You turn the TV off and go outside.

But wait- the world is.. crumbling?! That's right- A/I is bad for the Earth! It's ACTUALLY damaging the world!

And somehow- somehow- you develop a sickness, so you go to the hospital to get it checked out.

To your horror, the doctor merely shrugs and says that he doesn't know what sickness you have.

"But how could this be?! You're a doctor! You're supposed to know these things!"

You find out that the doctor used ChatGPT to get through college, and didn't actually perceive the information required.

Then you die. The speeches people read out for your funeral were generated through ChatGPT. Truly a terrible way to die.

People need to understand just why all this a/i nonsense is bad. I feel like they go, "yeah, a/i is bad" and turn around to their a/i roleplays and ChatGPT, ready to defend themselves for using that slop.

To the mentioned "friend", to the mentioned pastor, and to the students who may or may not read this;

I wish I could tell you just how bad this a/i stuff is. I wish you'd understand. I wish you'd listen.

I wish generative a/i never existed.

[stardustcatcher]

Pretty Boy

Pairing: Josh Kiszka x Reader

Word Count: 1.8K

Warnings: SMUT (18+ minors DNI), swearing, needy subby-ish josh, dry humping, praise, fluff, josh being a lil sad (bc that indeed needs a warning), biting? like once, a lot of pet names cause i'm a slut for that, uhh i don't think there's anything else but let me know if i missed anything.

AN: babby posts writing?!? it's a christmas miracle! this has been in my drafts for literally ever but i kinda revised it and decided why the fuck not. idk if i'm really happy with it but i wanted to get something posted and i'm deep in josh land so this is what happened. heavily inspired by the need i have for josh to be in my lap. it's not my best and it's short but i hope you all enjoy it anyway :)

this is also my first time writing in second person and it wasn't as hard as i thought so maybe all my fics will be like that from now on, but with my inconsistency, who knows  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

taglist

You were sitting on the couch, glass of wine in hand reading your favorite book for the umpteenth time when you heard the front door slam. The jingling of keys were heard as they were set on the little hook by the door and you peeked over to where your beautiful lover stood, toeing off his shoes with a heavy sigh. Josh looked absolutely drained, hair disheveled, cheeks flushed, and shoulders tight with an unknown tension. Nevertheless, the sight of him made you smile. He’d been so busy recently, putting the finishing touches on the band’s newest album, and it felt like he hadn’t been home in ages. 

Josh trudged over to where you sat on the couch, his lips pursed in a slight pout as he bent down to kiss your forehead, then your nose, and then planted a chaste peck on your lips. “Hey, mama,” he said with a smile, though it didn’t reach his eyes and it seemed forced. 

“Hi, baby. How was work?” you asked, handing him the glass of wine knowing that he could probably use it. He sighed with a roll of his eyes and took a gulp of the red in the glass. 

“Don’t wanna talk about work,” he shook his head, running a hand down his tired face. You nodded, knowing that wasn’t true. Josh always said he didn’t want to talk about what was bothering him, but in fifteen minutes or less, he’d be venting. 

“Okay, we don’t have to talk. But come sit with me, I miss you,” you shut your book, laying it on the coffee table before patting the space beside you. Josh flopped down on the cushion, sinking into the softness before you cuddled up to his side, head on his chest and arm thrown around his waist. His hand made its way into your hair, smoothing it over and pressing his fingers lightly into your scalp. His lips left a kiss on your temple as you listened to the song of his heartbeat, his body heat warming you up. 

“How was your day? Hope it was better than mine,” he whispered, lips on your forehead. 

“Boring without you,” you answered. “I put those shelves up in the bedroom, did the laundry, and cleaned up the kitchen. Just stuff that needed to get done,” you shrugged and felt his chest rumble with a small laugh. 

“What a pretty little homemaker you are,” he chuckled.

“Shut up,” you laughed along with him, shoving his side playfully. “I’m happy you're home.”

“I’m happy to be home,” he replied with a hum. “Today was just not my day. Sam was extra late today and cranky, we found out that one of the takes for a song we recorded was almost completely unusable, Jake was being an ass, I didn’t get to eat lunch, and just to top it all off, I got a fucking flat tire on the way home,” Josh ranted, face becoming redder with each inconvenience he recalled. 

“I’m sorry, my love,” you pouted at him, genuinely upset that he had such a bad day. Josh was the sweetest, kindest man you’d ever met. He deserved nothing but the most wonderful days. “I can’t do much but would a cuddle help?” you asked hopefully, pushing yourself away from him and opening your arms welcomingly. Josh smiled, the first real one you’d seen, his pearly white perfect teeth on display, looking just a little bit happier at the suggestion. 

“A cuddle always helps,” he grinned. You readjusted yourself in your seat, lifting the blanket up with one hand and patting your lap with the other. 

Josh got up before plopping himself down in your lap, straddling you with a leg on the side of each hip. His head burrowed into your neck as you laid the blanket back over the both of you. Your left hand moved to his curls, raking your fingers through them while your right hand slid under the back of his shirt, nails training up and down his spine. He wrapped himself around you like a koala, inhaling the scent of your shampoo and body wash, taking slow deep breaths and calming himself. 

With his incessant need for constant physical touch, you’d found out early in your relationship that this was the ideal position for Josh to get what he needed to ground himself and calm down. Everyone needed to be held sometimes, and he was no exception. His arm tenderly wrapped around your waist as he gave you a squeeze, his breath warm and soothing against your neck. “Is there anything else on your mind, lover?” you asked, leaning your cheek against his head as you continued to rub his back. 

“Just miss you, I guess,” he mumbled into your skin. “Feels like forever since we’ve been like this. Miss holding you, being held by you. Miss your kisses, touching you, loving on you. Just miss you.”

“I miss you too, Josh,” you sighed, feeling tears well in your eyes at the thought of him feeling so starved for attention and affection and love. “But we’re here now, and you’re off for the next few days, aren’t you?”

He nodded, hair tickling your face. “Yeah, wanna spend them just like this,” he hummed, completely and utterly content. 

After a few moments he lifted his head, moving to rest his forehead against yours. His lips gently pressed into yours  and he melted against you even more, your hands moving to hold his hips. Your lips melded together as he poured all his love into you with a kiss that said I love you, I miss you, I need you. 

Josh deepened the kiss as his mouth parted, a tiny high pitched whine escaping his throat. His hands moved from behind you to tug at the bottom of your shirt. “Want it off,” he muttered against your lips. You smiled before pulling back, tugging your shirt off carelessly and tossing it behind you as he did the same with his own. He groaned at the sight of your naked chest and you could feel him grow hard in his pants from where he sat in your lap. “You’re so beautiful, mama,” Josh whispered before reconnecting your lips, his tongue immediately tangling with yours in a sloppy kiss. You swallowed the wanton moans and sighs that left him, gulping them down greedily as his hips began to move against you on their own accord. “Fuck,” he shuddered when his hips caught a particularly good spot.

“Feel good, sweet boy?” you asked, caressing his cheek with your thumb. His face was flushed and his eyes were clazed over with lust and love and pleasure. “It’s been so long, you must be real pent up, huh?”

“Yeah,” his breath hitched and eyes clenched shut as he ground his covered c ock against your lower stomach. “I had plans, y’know. Soon as I got home, was gonna make you cum on my tongue, then my fingers. Then I was going to fuck you, slow and sweet, just like you deserve.”

“We can still do all that, baby,” you kissed his neck, sucking and biting in all the places you knew drove him crazy. “But you deserve this, and you look so fucking pretty like this, Joshua.”

He keened high in his throat, the noise needy as his hands grappled at your sides, squeezing the soft flesh. “Say that again, please?”

“You like being called pretty, baby?” you whispered into his ear as his head dropped to your shoulder, his hips grinding faster against you now. “You wanna be my pretty good boy?”

“Yes,” he groaned, biting lightly at the junction of your neck and shoulder. “Gonna be so good for you, promise.”

“You already are, baby,” you said, and he was. Josh was the prettiest thing you’d ever seen, all the time. When he was on stage performing for thousands, when he was concentrating with his tongue poking between his lips, when he was sitting as still as he possibly could while getting his rhinestones applied, but he was especially pretty like this when he was sat on your lap, grinding his hips back and forth feverishly chasing that high that was building in the pit of his stomach. You kissed his bare shoulder, loving the feeling of his naked chest pressed against yours, how his hips rutted into you without care, how his neck and chest and ears were all blushed pretty pink. Your hands held his hips firmly, helping guide his movements, to grind him down on you just a little bit harder. “You’re always so good for me, Josh. So good to me. No one has ever loved me like you do, cared for me like you do, fucked me like to do, made me cum like you do. My best boy, the sweetest boy in the world, and you’re all mine. Aren’t you?”

“All yours, all fucking yours,” he gasped and lifted his head and threw it back, an expression of pure bliss etched onto his god-like face. 

“God, I’m the luckiest woman in the world. Do you know how many people would kill to see you like this and I get it all the time, anytime I want,” you mouthed at his collar bones and moved one hand from his hip to cup the bulge in his pants. “You’re so hard, pretty boy. This must hurt. You wanna cum?”

“So bad,” he nodded, his back arching while he ground into the palm of your hand. You could almost feel him throb through his pants. 

“Go ahead, cum for me,” you leaned up to capture his lips once more. “Just like this. I wanna see it.”

“But my pants,” he whined but didn’t stop or slow his movements. 

“I don’t care, and I don’t think you do either. Now c’mon, make a mess, pretty boy.”

A broken moan clawed from the deep within his chest as his hips stuttered against you and a warm wet spot blossomed on the front of his pants, darkening the fabric. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!” he cried before slowing the movement of his hips gradually, riding out his high. 

When it finally died down, he slumped forward and pressed a row of kisses across your shoulder, breaths coming out in heavy pants. “Feel better?” you asked, hand tangling in his hair once more. 

“So much,” he smiled with an airy, fucked out giggle. “Thank you, darling. I needed that so bad, you have no idea.”

“Anything for my pretty boy,” you ran a hand over his warm face before tapping his hip. “Now get up and I’ll run us a bath, then we can order-in dinner. How does that sound?”

“Like heaven.”

=

taglist: @peachpitpearls @alexxavicry @spark-my-nature

[theintrovertbean]

Remember when I posted this? This is what I meant when I said I was writing something about high heels.

Summary: Nadia has beautiful legs and y/n wholeheartedly agrees.

This isn't smut, but there's some naughtiness implied. So, just to be safe, minors DNI.

Linguistics classes are boring, so I spend them writing about Nadia instead 🤗 That's just what I do, write adult content when I should be paying attention to my seminars. I will keep doing it.

I wrote like half of this at uni instead of listening to whatever the fuck that class was, and my friend sitting next to me was like o.o when they looked at my phone. But the bitch is back (no, not really, I'm just blessing you with a crumb of content before I retreat to my hiding again.) Anyway, I thought I'd give myself a break and write for the sake of writing about something that doesn't give me anxiety, and what's better than Nadia's legs to ease my stress? Damn, that rhymes. Don't mind my little vent, idk why I'm even writing this but it's almost 3 am and I no longer care.

Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy it. Have a good one, simps!

Heeled Seduction (Nadia x Reader)

She's a strong, smart woman. She can take care of herself and she doesn't need help. But when I watch her undress and then put on her extravagant gown for the upcoming event, I can't help but notice her high heels waiting for her to put them on. I remind myself that no, she does not need help with something so trivial, but the more I entertain the thought, the more tempting it becomes.

She sits down on a plush chair and pushes a stray piece of hair behind her ear. My heart melts at the sight of her, but if I want to do this, then this is my chance.

"Nadia," I call out her name. It comes naturally to me at this point as she's had me cry out her name in pleasure countless times.

She looks at me with curiosity in her intense gaze. "Yes, love?"

I don't answer. I simply walk toward her and then lower myself onto one knee in front of her. My Countess raises an eyebrow, the corners of her lips curling up into one of those cheeky smiles that I love so much. She watches me with interest, awaiting my next move.

I gently lift her foot and guide it into the shoe, my fingers brushing against her delicate skin and I can feel her shiver beneath my touch. Having such an effect on the embodiment of perfection, on a goddess like her, fills me with pride.

"Oh my," She begins with a smile. "How attentive of you, my darling. Allow me to assist you."

Then she grabs a fistful of her dress, slowly, teasingly lifting it higher to give me better access. She reveals her strong thigh, only to my eyes, and I have to gulp. Inch by inch, she tortures me with her beauty. I'm quite certain she knows that she doesn't have to lift it so high. My sweet, loving Nadia—always teasing me at every chance she gets.

Encouraged by her seduction, I put my hand on her other leg, fingers caressing and massaging her strong calf gently. "Have I ever told you," I lean forward, pressing a kiss onto her skin right under her knee. "how beautiful your legs are?"

"Hm, I don't think you have," My Countess answers, the tone of her voice warm and low and the smile on her face playful but loving. "Why don't you elaborate?"

"Well, your skin is so soft here," I say and lift her leg, putting it over my shoulder. "I love how it feels against my mouth. So delicate and smooth." When I brush my lips against her thigh and my breath caresses her, I can see her clutching the armrest just a little tighter. "But your legs are also very strong." I rest my hand on the side of her thigh, drawing circles into it with my thumb. "Perfect for..." I drag my lips across her skin, going higher and higher until I can feel the heat radiating from her core. "Smothering."

My love chuckles and I look up to see her cheeks colored with a blush. "Aah, yes, they'd look so beautiful around your head."

"They certainly would," I smirk against her inner thigh and I'm certain she wants nothing more than for me to continue. "But!" I exclaim and put her leg down, shifting my body away from hers. "We have a party to attend. The rest can wait."

I swear I can hear her mutter a small damn you, y/n under her breath while I quickly put on her other high heel. When I finish, I immediately feel her fingers grasping my chin, guiding me to look up at her. "When it is done, I hope you intend to use that teasing, wicked mouth of yours for something more pleasurable," She whispers to me, and I can already feel my cheeks burning under her gaze. Here, at the feet of my mistress, my countess, my love, I feel a sense of belonging.

"If that's what milady wishes."

[makshu]

Just a big vent, you don't need to read it if you don't want to.

I think I have a problem when I find out that someone likes me, at least if it's someone close to me.

If it's a friend of mine, I start doing something I call "throwing myself at the person", which basically means I start getting really close to the person and trying to act in a way to be more likable.

The truth is, I don't know why people start liking me, and I really want to ask them why they like me, like- is there something specific? I literally do nothing! It's just... strange to me.

Recently I also had a drop in my self-esteem (or I just realized that it was never high) and I also realized that I'm trying to prove my usefulness again.

And I noticed that I compare myself to others much more than I thought, and this is due to the fact that the group of friends I'm in at the moment is made up of intelligent people (academically) and well, that is not my predominant type of intelligence.

I get angry at these people sometimes, and jealous too, and I hate it! It's not a right thing to think, but I can't help it when I realize the gulf of intelligence that exists between me and them.

Idk everything has been coming at once, I'm graduating in a few weeks, and there's a lot of pressure on me. I'm just not thinking straight anymore.

So many people who know me irl are on tumblr now, and I don't feel like this is a safe place to vent anymore, and I don't want to talk to someone because I know I won't accept help, so I don't want them to waste their time with me.

I hate knowing that I'm writing this hoping a specific person will read it, but at the same time I also don't want them to read it because I don't want to worry them.

There's a lot going on, and a thought that keeps coming back to me. Why does this person like me? What am I doing differently than normal for this to happen? People don't know me completely, how could they like me if they don't even know me well?

And in no way do I want to offend anyone, but I just don't understand.

Anyway, I just wanted to try to express this somehow, and even then I'm going to choose the worst way (maybe I'll delete this later), but I like to at least feel heard.

I hope I stop acting weird, and that people don't look at me differently when I talk about that specific person, I wish I didn't know this, but now that I know I need to deal with it somehow.

Thanks in case anyone read it.

And if you are the specific person, this is why I don't like people who know me irl knowing about this blog. But now that you've read this, do what you think is best with this information (just please don't tell anyone).

[blacknidstang]

spn related but rather personal vent

For various reasons i've been needing to distance myself from spn in particular beside spending less time on social media and it's been because of number of extremely harmless little things that weren't even upsetting even but making me feel down a bit and now i suddenly remembered one of them was s5 and how sam was treated, how everyone was calling him incompetent and shit when he was literally offering to get himself locked in hell for eternity with satan himself, how that was their biggest worry. I think while i think undeniably Bobby did care about Sam and i mean, i think it would be so fucking absurd to claim Dean was ok with Sam jumping into the pit, but there's this persistent dissatisfaction of how these were never.. expressed.. and i love s5. I love swan song. It still wrecks me but there's a growing annoyance.

But here's the thing, when a thing or two about a show start to piss me off i just rather pull back. Clear my head. It's not that important. I dont like to log into tumblr and cry about spn's writing and a be a bitter samgirl™️. I dont wanna spend my mental energy on something quite destructive, for myself at least (and i'm sure that wouldnt make me a joy to be around anyway). Anyway. Why am i saying these? Idk. I think i'm trying to accept that i have issues with the show that really forced me to break out of heavy obsession and become more normal about it. I think admitting it gives me some peace bc i still love the characters and i still love so much of this show so unironically, even that cursed s5 itself is forever a favorite of mine. But at one point the dissatisfaction of it wasn't worth the stay. I'm still sticking around tho but i needed to vent it out in order to go back and focus on things that i love.

[lunapwrites]

having a bit of a bad brainspace weekend.

i am intensely uncomfortable and unable to do things for myself that i normally could do and this is my not-so-friendly reminder that despite the sometimes crippling ADHD and the fact that my GI issues suck i am, in fact, mostly usually quite able-bodied. i am used to things i am not physically able to do being more in the realm of "touching my toes" due to my intense lack of flexibility or "lift my partner" due to him being 3x my size. I've historically been pretty strong and in good shape for someone that is allergic to the gym, so i was not anticipating adding things like "putting on socks" and "rescuing my sweet idiot dog from the couch he's forgotten how to get off of" to that list.

i made the mistake of asking my partner what it looked like i was struggling with rn because i'm not good at recognizing when i actually need to ask for help vs when i can just power through. this was a poor decision because this means that i received an itemized list of my recent failures. not phrased in a way to be hurtful, just expressing frustration because these were all things that i had previously handled myself with ease and now a) was suddenly not doing, or doing inconsistently, and b) was not indicating i needed help with. and he's not trying to step in on his own and make me feel micromanaged or smothered, because he knows i want to do for myself as much as possible (and also i'd probably bite his head off) and he's 100% correct. and he had to kind of sit me down and be like "you are pushing yourself too hard please stop" and i wanted to shake him and scream that i'm not, that i don't feel like i'm doing enough because i am just a pile of disappointments right now. massive laundry lists of things i need to do and can't because literally if i try it physically hurts me.

anyway i really want to write but the second i sit down i either get distracted with something else or fall asleep or sit there vibrating over the things i should be doing but can't so. there's that. [gazes longingly at several half-written WIP chapters wasting away in the corner] i know where they're all going. i just don't have the gas to get us there. and i hate that. especially because i have this intense fear of not having time for writing at all once Bean is here.

idk. everything sucks rn and i hate it here and i don't wish this on anyone. next person who tells me this is a wonderful miracle and that i should feel so blessed is getting a shoe thrown at them. "best thing you've ever done" fuck you. i know what i did and why, but i also knew it was going to suck ass at least 90% of the time. it was, i thought, an informed decision. i either underestimated the level of disability i would be experiencing or overestimated my ability to cope with it. like it's fine it's temporary i will get through it but jesus fucking christ this is rotten work. and not in a "not if it's you" or an "especially if it's you" sort of way, but more of a "despite" situation. i adore this kid so much already but i also want to be able to stand up for more than 5 consecutive minutes without feeling like i might die. i want to be able to have a conversation without immediately being out of breath. and even all of that i feel terrible venting about because in terms of symptoms i am getting off SO FUCKING EASY. it could have been way worse. and i'm bitching about it this hard. bitching about what???

anyway. so begins the final countdown. with me crying hysterically over a bag of fuckin pastries i left on the counter and feeling lower than i think i've felt since '09, which ain't a great feeling.

[deep breath.] everything will be fine. it just sucks right now. and also i really hate writing thank you cards.

[dreamingbo11]

ΔΔTHE GOLDEN WINGED PENG X GN! READERΔΔ

what if.. WHAT IF... Peng had an S/O who's a Theatre kid, BUT is just really insecure and sad and Peng just helps with it like... AAAAKSBJZBDJS

WARNINGS!! (PLS DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO THESE TOPICS) self-hate, self harm, depression, breakdowns and so-so anger issues ANGST AND FLUFF

ANYWAYS, HEAD CANNONS:

•When you first met, I imagine it to be like in a theatre where you were acting on stage, and he'd disguise himself as a human, and gift you flowers.

•And then boom, he'd somehow find your address, (REMEMBER THIS IS LIKE ANCIENT CHINA OR SMTH IDK) But he'd send you cute letters as a secret admirer, and just maybe he dropped a few hints on whom he was.

•and finally FINALLY, when you got together he got to know you better. Bro found out that you were a theatre kid AND WORKED AT A THEATRE. (talk about dream job)

•You were not as pompous and as bitchy as him, but you were told that you both shared some qualities.

•Like bro, you both diss the hell out of people like your gods or smth and laugh about it.

•But (BING BANG PLOT TWIST BOOM) You had some insecurities that made you act the way you do.

DRABBLE'N SHIZZ:

Peng wanted to visit you since it was a bit late and he hadn't seen you in a few days. He was missing your beautiful face, your soft hair and the scent of your clothes just made him long you more. When he got to your sleeping quarters of your mansion, he snuck into the window, but saw it was dark and dreary, and it wreaked of dispair. He looked for you inside the dark room and saw a faint figure by the corner. Dressed in a shambled and ruined robe, with hair as messy as the room itself, was you. You with a dagger by your side and tear-stained cheeks, the sleeves of your robe stained in red as so did the dagger. Peng rushed to your side and cupped your cheeks. You didn't seem to be injured fatally, but you were weak from crying and sulking within the last few days. "Oh my sweet humming bird, what would posses you to do such a thing as to cut yourself?!" He said out of worry and with just a sigh and a a shaky breath, he knew that you weren't okay. "I just.. I just didn't like the way I act.. Nothing much..." You said bluntly, not looking at your dire situation. "Nothing much?! My love, you are hurting yourself only because you don't like the way you act, how is that nothing?!" He asked, but you just looked away in shame, as another wave of tears washed over you and cried silently. "Do you know why I act like I'm a god.. Even though I'm not?" They asked, maybe trying to explain something. "No.. No I don't, my love"

"..."

"Because I hate myself so much.."

Peng looked flabbergasted by your statement. How could you act like a person everybody loves, if you couldn't even love yourself..?

"I always feel like everybody hates me... That's why I act like everyone loves me so much, and it makes me feel selfish and stupid, and it makes me hate myself and I'd think everone hates me and then... The cycle continues with no remorse.."

You explained as you intertwined you fingers with Peng's, and your eyes looked at nothing.. Looking numb.. And dead.. "I love you.. I love you so much Peng.. But how could you love me? Me who has such an attitude? Me who has such an ego? How?" You asked calmly, yet your voice cracked in pain with tears flowing like waterfalls..

Peng didn't know how to respond. He never thought about that too.. How? Why did he love you? Maybe it was just you who did everything.. Maybe it was all you.. Never him.. He just smiled at you with sad eyes, filled with more words than his mouth could ever say, and you understood them all. With just a kiss on the head, a few bandages to the arms, and a night with cuddles and whispers on your bed... He knew that you'd be okay... At least for now...

ΔΔΔΔΔΔΔΔΔΔΔΔΔΔΔΔΔΔΔΔΔΔΔ

OMG THAT WAS SO LONG ISTG I AM SO SORRY THAT THE HC WAS SO SHORT I JUST NEEDED TIME TO VENT LIKE AAAAKDBJDBDJFJSND....

any ways

[yagamisdiary]

I have a love hate relationship with the fact that you enjoy making us suffer throughout the entirety of your books and making us think they will have a bad ending just to give us the best possible endings ever 🥲 ugh i love you so much youre my favorite author ever, while im here i apologize for the incoming paragraphs but i just need to say it:

1. Idk how you do it but the book covers you choose are always so perfect like?? Idk if im explaining myself but i feel like they capture the vibes of the books perfectly

2. Ok now this is kinda personal and i dont mean to sound like im venting, but have you ever read a fic that impacted you so much to the point where you find yourself still thinking about it to this day 😭 bc that's how i feel about both of ur books, they're so beautifully written and i'm always thinking about the characters or going back to read random parts of the books (edit: i had this paragraph written way before parasite was removed okay but i started rereading eldia yesterday because im truly heartbroken, devastated, downcast, miserable, dejected and inconsolable by the fact that its finished)

I discovered you in july-ish 2021 during parasite era but didnt actually read it until june 2022, i was devastated when i finished it but also had to cleanse my soul cause i accidentally burnt my self out during the last few chapters (i mean it in a good way lol, it was rlly hard to read the last 2 chapters 🙇‍♀️ they were written really well and i felt unsettled while reading the beginning of y/ns whole breakdown, i could feel the gloomy depressed vibe it had if you get what i mean), so anyway i moved on to Eldia. At that time, it was fairly new so there were only like 10 or 11 chapters, ive been keeping up with Eldia ever since and its truly bittersweet to see it end like i was literally full on sobbing for no reason 🥲 probably the sentiment of being a reader for 2 years idk lol. Anyway what im trying to say is that your books were one of the only things that helped me escape reality in 2022, i didnt really find joy in anything and hated my life, however ive definitely improved ever since, so im honestly rlly thankful for you Amara 💕

Edit: i just know it sounds stupid and youre probably tired of hearing the same thing over and over, but i've had this written out for like 5 months and was kinda scared to send it because i felt like it was corny, but with Eldia's resolution i felt encouraged seeing all these people tell you what they think :P so sorry for the long ass paragraph lmao, i just needed to say it because i know in 10 years ill be a grown ass woman and still thinking about these books, theyre attached to my brain forever (like a parasite, ironic)

Ok so i doubt ppl will read this (or that you'll even read all of it) so if you reached the end i must say that you actually ate with the baby names in Eldia 🤭 im saying it here to avoid accidentally spoiling anyone but Andromeda 😪 i remember in early july i sent you an anon ask saying that i pictured you as a girl mom and even listed a few names, i was gonna list Andromeda so its kinda funny to me 😭 and Elrose?? Andromeda is my fav name but Elrose grew on me and i actually rlly like it, idk why it just sounds and looks so satisfying OMG DAMN I JUST SCROLLED UP AND DID I REALLY WRITE ALL OF THAT?? IM SO SORRY AMARA 😭😭 i definitely had way more to say but i feel bad now, it was gonna be an anonymous ask but atp i'll just let it be public

to conclude i must say that whenever someone asks me what my favorite books are, i hate that im not able to say "Oh my favorite books are parasite and eldia" because they're considered fanfics and not 'real books', i think thats really stupid, not only because fanfiction is just as valid as what ppl consider 'real books' but because there are so many fanfictions turned into real books or movies?? Ok im done (for now) but as you can tell im not really good at going straight to the point sorry for writing about 10 paragraphs love you queen vivan las escritoras latinas 🤞

1. honestly i find a pic that fits the vibe i want the book to give before i even write the story then i just somehow find a way to incorporate the cover

ex) eldia’s cover is jean with wine all over him, iykyk there’s an exact scene in eldia that references the cover

2. thank u so much 🥲 the ppl who have stuck around the longest always say the most sweet stuff bc yall really have been alongside me for so many years now and were like growing together which is kinda cool

3. i wanted a name that had ambrose and elijah both in it and it was either elrose or embrose but i ended up liking elrose more, embrose was too similar to ambrose

4. i don’t mind the length of the message at all! i love love love reading all the stuff i receive and the ones that are the longest stick with me the most. 🫶🏼

[forcebookish]

ok so just some thoughts i need to get off my chest...but does anyone else find the "mew is secretly an evil manipulator" theories kind of cartoonish? 😭 like i just bust out laughing whenever i picture it bc i can't take it seriously. and call me boring but i would much prefer mew to be the "constant" of the friend group (bc let's face it in a show like this you need one) and it's gonna be earth shatteringly heartbreaking when he falls in love with top, has sex with him, and then realizes he just experienced the ultimate betrayal. idk that to me is way more interesting than "haha i was playing you all along." not saying he's not a flawed character (and i hope we see more of his flaws as the series goes on) but i really don't think it's in the way people think. but with that being said i will still be hoping for him to m*rder boston 🙏 (anyway thank you for allowing me to vent in here. i really appreciate all your theories/takes on the series so far!)

(thank u and ur welcome!!🥰 I'M GONNA WRITE A LOT AGAIN)

oh it's totally cartoonish! every time i see it i'm like, "...you guys know that they're, like, good writers, right?"😅😂

the whole point of mew as a character is his not being the stereotypical, wilting flower virgin but someone who is sexy and knows his worth. (and i'm not going to rehash everything else that tells us mew is definitely a virgin.) i agree, that is so much more interesting and smarter than 'actually, everyone's lying except boston, the character we've established is a pathological liar' lmao. the fact that BOSTON "confirms" their suspicion makes it even funnier that they're sticking to their guns.

i mean,

"or maybe?" he's just making stuff up as he goes along. this isn't just an obvious lie, we see boston earlier tell ray to go after mew because they haven't been sleeping together, to make top jealous:

and if they insist it's just to "secure" or "play" top for whatever reason, then what the heckadoodle-do is this about?

side-note: notice how boston rarely speaks in absolutes when he's weaving his web? "maybe," "might," "probably," etc. he preys on everyone's preestablished doubts and insecurities, making his lies even more believable to them. little pokes and prods, like he's just helping them work through a problem - a problem he's creating. he can say, 'hey, i'm just saying it could be true.' fucking diabolical. he also has this smug, devious smile on his face - something that true deceivers who revel in the lie do. (and people have the audacity to say that top is smug? please.)

why would mew go out of his way to vet top after he was already his boyfriend? and then dump him? (which could have easily backfired. top could have said no; mew knew that.) why would he care if top is his "type" and checks off his checklist? he wants to make sure that top is boyfriend material before he sleeps with him so he doesn't get his heart broken, which is NORMAL. even if he weren't a virgin that's a perfectly normal way to navigate a relationship with someone you don't know very well yet, especially after what boston said. all the "implications" and "foreshadowing" that i've seen the fandom bring up are literally just him... flirting lol

re: mew's flaws, mew's definitely got more going on than we've seen, especially since we know how perceptive and intuitive he is (and that, by his admission, he gets snoopy and obsessive when he's really into someone). of the boys, i think mew's the character we know the least about because most of what we see of him, he's reacting to other characters and he doesn't always say a lot. besides the "interview" shots and maybe one or two other fleeting, superficial moments, i can only think of one scene where he's actually left alone with his thoughts:

and it's him feeling bad about making top sleep on the couch and deciding to get up to check on him/invite him to bed - not something a "manipulator" would do when no one is looking.

it is really ominous that production has hinted at nick and mew being "helpers." i could see mew going off the deep end and join in nick's, uh, colorful approach to relationships fjdlskjgjm but i just think he's going to snap or something, that won't have been his master plan all along lol (maybe they have to hide the body together) (haha jk... unless?)

yikes, i really did write a lot. thank you for enabling me, anon!💕

[theyluvlyss]

It’s been a month already… 😭 well another check up! How have you been? 😊

𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐨...!! (tw: may be some touchy subjects/words in this for readers, so caution is advised. ig this doubles as a small rant/vent)

I'm gonna take this as an opportunity to fully apologize for my unexpected/unannounced hiatus. it's actually been a very rough set of months, and I really am trying to get past it. in short, I've lost some family, have been trying to set up a stable (and not mentally/emotionally draining💀✋🏽) environment for me to stay in and/or find a job, and possibly aim for a chance at getting back in school or learning to hone in on some skills that could up my advantages in getting myself ... unstuck, I guess you could say?

all in all,,, it's looking grim fr ngl💀.

but, it's not in my best interest to dwell on it. I can only take/deal with so much before I realize I need an escape or a recluse, and honestly, this account allows me to do that. with or without an audience, I continue to post/write because it's something I genuinely enjoy. I love being able to focus my attention on my special interests and while a lot of the times, my mental state or my outside struggles gets in the way of that, I still persist because without this one joy, this one thing no one can take from me,,, idk I might as well not be here lmao.

I don't mean to rant/vent any further, but for those asking (ty, lovely anon, for checking in♡), I'd thought I'd shed a little light on my situation, and I truly encourage everyone who sees this to be kind when give the opportunity.

you never know what someone else is going through, what's actually going through their heads, what they're contemplating, and what they're dealing with. if you can't do it because you just want to be a decent human being and want to make someone's day, at least do it because you don't want to be the cause of something tragic that's undoable :/.

with that being said, if you feel there's no one on this earth who doesn't love you, it must mean I've died because I love you. as long as I'm here, you will always have someone you can chat/vent/rant to, make friends with, and search for whatever support you need :). I am here for you, even as just one person♡.

~ lyssa💞

*ahem* anyways back to my fanfic author fangirl shifter autism adhd induced bullshit😻‼️... (which reminds me, I really am going to try to repost stuff more often and post other things than just writing, idk why I'm so bad at that💀).

[thedisablednaturalist]

"People are more accepting of young people having neurodivergence than physical disability" <- i get your example, but like, setting alarms and "getting better at time management" don't actually work for neurodivergent and mentally ill ppl. i get venting about it but it's a bit of an invalidating blanket statement idk ._.

anyway you can ignore this ask its really not a big deal and its understandable. just feel like writing it idk

I have adhd. Adhd does need medication to manage it, but it oftentimes needs a lot of lifestyle changes as well that include improving time management and using tools like alarms. So yes, if you are getting help because you keep being late for work because of your adhd and you are on ADHD meds, a counselor is usually going to want to work on time management with you. Only a psychiatrist can really give you the meds so if you're already on those the other other thing to do is improve your organization skills (or use a tool that makes it easier)

My lateness is not because of my adhd. I've already learned time management and I used to be quite good at getting places on time when it was only up to me and when I got my meds. But now that I'm physically disabled, I have new issues that do not have to do with time management. I need to learn how to manage my energy and pain so that I can actually get out of bed in the morning. I need help streamlining my routine so I don't have to do as much to get ready while I'm still waiting for my pain meds to kick in. I haven't been able to learn these things on my own and that's why I have a rehabilitation counselor. But my problem is she is treating it like the previous situation. It's not my time blindness that is making me late, it's that I literally move slower and I can't wake up on time because of PAIN.

She is more willing to work on managing my adhd than work on managing my chronic illness. Even though they are both disabilities and shes a disability counselor.

[musicspirit26]

okay, so i'm well aware that this might make me sound like an incel, but it's something that frustrates me so much as an autistic person and i need to vent about it (i would totally do this with a therapist if i had one btw - but i don't, so i'm making do with what i have)

every single time i develop a huge crush on someone, i feel like 1 of 3 things always happens:

they're already in a happy long term relationship and i don't wanna be the homewrecker

they've just gotten out of a relationship, so i don't wanna be their rebound

they've been single for a while and are either not ready to mingle in general or just wouldn't like me back at all anyways

this pattern will usually go on for a few years, and all the while i will also be doing a lot of personal growth (which makes the comment "you don't need a relationship to be happy" all the more frustrating because my main love language is physical touch, so i need/crave physical affection in ways that simply can't be provided by a family member), so by the time someone else who doesn't quite fit what i'm looking for but i kinda like and who likes me comes along, i will jump on that opportunity really quick because at least someone likes me romantically

and i know those people deserve a lot better than that (and i deserve better than that, too), but i find that i'm usually only in that situation because i want to respect that my actual crushes are unavailable for whatever reason

and yes, i'm aware that a lot of that unavailability comes down to my struggles with social cues and hygiene (which is probably the main reason for the third scenario, on top of the fact that a lot of the women in that category are straight), and that's obviously completely understandable - but i think that's just what makes me feel even more horrible about it, as well as myself

it can be so emotionally debilitating to know that my struggle with these things is exactly what makes it so easy for other people to just write me off altogether, no matter how hard i try to navigate them or self-police how i come across. for that reason, it's extremely difficult not to get frustrated at how hard it is to find a partner who loves me just as deeply as i love them, or handle even a gentle/friendly rejection as just that and to not take it personally.

of course, the other side of that coin is that i feel like any big crushes i have in the three scenarios i mentioned above are also miles out of my league anyway, so working up the courage to confess my feelings in the first place feels almost impossible because of that.

idk y'all, i just wanna find a woman who i can love who loves me and who i can express that love in physical ways with

ugh why is dating so hard 😩😩😩