#anyway i guess im obligated to keep on going

[jasperyourmutt]

hi everyone <3

I have a bit of a life update. To make a long story short, last week I was diagnosed with PTSD. I have been having a... very hard time coming to terms with that. For most of my life I believed I just had a bad anxiety disorder, but I am now realizing that is unfortunately not the case. The past couple months I have been in a near constant state of fight or flight, fear, panic, whatever you want to call it- without really realizing it. and man. it has been exhausting, mentally, physically, spiritually. I just thought it was normal to feel like this all the time. i assumed everyone felt like this. my therapist has helped me realize I am in a lot of pain right now and it is not normal. so. the good news is that there is an intensive trauma therapy that I will be doing for the next couple months that is going to really help me recover. i love and trust my therapist with my whole heart. there is a light at the end of the tunnel. i am finally getting the help i need. so. unfortunately I am going to step away from tumblr for a bit. i dont really want to do this, i love being on here. i love interacting with all the friends i've made here. kink has become a very important and healing part of my life. but it is just a little too much for me at the moment. I'm not sure when I will return, could be a couple weeks, a couple months. I'll return when I feel right. I feel like this may be a little odd to share here, but it's important to me to acknowledge and share that I have been having a really hard time. i tend to downplay when i'm in pain. i feel like people usually don't care about me (i know this is very very much not the case. im trying to convince my brain of that too.) its really hard for me to tell people when i am struggling, especially in my real life. so i am taking baby steps and starting here. so, until I return- chase your tails for me, roll in the grass, bark at the squirrels. take care of yourselves. if you are struggling, know youre loved. get the help you need. i will be curling up in my dog bed and taking a nap in the sun. ruff ruff. wag wag. much love to all of you.

[cheeseknives]

I offer you: The Stig nendoroid, it may or may not try to attack you if you can't put it together on the first try

[phagodyke]

I love to talk but I rly do feel like we have to be talking for a minimum of 8 hours straight before I feel like I can even begin to rly broach things on my mind or that have been bothering me a lot that I actually want to talk abt without being vague or deflecting or omitting or lying and if the conversation takes a break at any point it resets back to 0 and its still nice regardless but.

[sockatoothewafflebird]

after seeing a bunch of stuff in the fandom related to how touch-starved ragatha really is, i just had to go back and count every time she touches herself or looks like she wants to touch someone else in episode two. and guess. just guess.

i counted eleven different times on-screen that she's rubbing her own arm, fiddling with/ holding her own hands, hugging herself, etc. eleven times is way more than i was expecting (i was thinking five at first) but it's literally almost every time she's on screen. and i didn't count how eager she was to take princess loolilalu's hands in her own.

and i also felt obligated to overanalyze the way pomni acts, especially around gummigoo... this is more about ragatha though i think? idk either way this will be long so buckle up and grab some popcorn

ragatha is the kind of woman to need to be touched, with every fiber of her being, but never ask for it, because she doesn't want to bother anyone. she needs physical affection, and she would accept it from literally anyone, but she also needs people to like her. she needs people to rely on her. ragatha stays optimistic to a scarily unhealthy degree jist to make sure no one hates her. and somehow it works.

she doesn't ever cross anyone's boundaries, she doesn't dare even imply that she wants to, even though she needs it more than anything. she just projects her insecurity and self-loathing in the form of "cupcakes and sprinkles and petting kitty-cats" and "if you're feeling sad just do a little dance!!" like girl is suppressing so much... the mass of all her suppressed emotions has ti have become a singularity by now.

anyway, with pomni canonically just disliking being touched, ragatha only suffers more. she seems like she's attached herself to pomni, in a sense? she's desperate to try and make pomni feel extra comfortable, for some reason. and i think i know why.

all the other members of the circus already know her. she already knows what they think of her to an extent, and she already knows how much or little her happy-go-lucky demeanor does for them all. and no one there seems to really be a genuine friend to her other than kinger. and, y'know, he's... kinger.

so ragatha has no one to really confide in, and i assume no one else confides in her other than the occasional need for encouragement or reassurance. and as previously stated, she needs people to lean on her.

then pomni shows up! and she seems like a somewhat nice person. so ragatha tries her absolute hardest to get pomni to like her. because no one else in the circus seems to care.

this dynamic seems like such a good opportunity for gut-wrenching angst and tension. maybe even a horrible scene in which ragatha tries to make pomni feel better with her debilitatingly unhealthy and unrealistic optimism im a situation that absolutely does mot call for it-- and pomni just can't deal with it anymore. because she's smart enough to know that ragatha is only using it as a decoy and a tool to hide something deep, dark, terrible, within her... and snaps at her.

full-on yelling, pointing, walking towards her all in a blind, devastating rage, because pomni is smart enough to see that it's just a way to get her self-worth from somewhere other than herself, and that it's all a facade, and she hates that ragatha thinks that's the only reason people care about her... and ragatha is dumbfounded, because in her entire life, in and out of the circus, no one has ever been able to see through it. not a single soul.

this eventually leads to a heart-to-heart, and apologies, truths, lies, and everything in-between fall out of their mouths like waterfalls. and it all leads to the best friendship either of them have ever had.

pomni is no therapist, no professional. but she's been through some bad places before, as seen in ep 2 with her conversation with gummigoo. sometimes we just need to be realistic about things, and acknowledge that things aren't okay. and pomni seems like she can keep things real. which is something ragatha desperately needs.

and when pomni is about to explode from the insanity of the world, ragatha can be there as comfort and reassurance, because pomni's always drowning in the bad possibilities so much and being so skeptical of everything that it's debilitating. ragatha can see the bright side of things no matter what (even if it's unhealthy most times), and with pomni seeming like an overall more down-to-earth person, they can balance things out really well. ragatha's got the heart to keep everyone's spirits high, and pomni can stay real with everyone to make sure they're prepared for whatever might come barreling towards them. i think this is what makes them so perfect for each other.

and the connection, the deep emotional understanding of each other leads to something... more.... homosexual. yeah i'm a chronic jesterdoll shipper of course it would lead to this

---

all the funny ha-ha aside, this dynamic is so fun to brainstorm about. i'm in love with how deep this could get. some of this might be pretty far from cannon, as only episode two is out when i write this, but i'm trying to interpret their characters as accurately as possible from what little we have so far. i think i did pretty well for a random gay bird with internet access

i'm half-tempted to incorporate a scene like this into my au. like it's soooo juicy i love it i want to write it i need to see it realized

[dollsinvogue]

Clawdeen Wolf core doll diary scans

Found a bunch of old monster high diaries and I wanted to share them! Also does anyone else remember these “unlock more online” codes??

English + Français transcription below

English:

this diary belongs to: Clawdeen Wolf

This is my diary. If you want your life to last longer than it takes to read it. You won't.

Unlock more online: MHCWPACK

July 14th

I got up late so there was no hot water left then I cut myself shaving this cause my razor was dull and I was in hurry to get out of the freezing water but amazingly enough the day actually went down hill from there… Later on Crescent, the alpha Kitty, must have sensed my mood cause instead of spending the night prowling around he curled up in my lap and Kept me company while sorted through my funk.

July 15th

It rained today. I hate the rain. It totally caused my hair to poof out and I was not about to spend the rest of the day looking like a were-poodle. So I grabbed a pair of electric clippers and 15 minutes later I had a new 'do. It's short, scary cute and perfectly wolfish I think I'll keep it for a while or at least until this rain goes away. I have decided that when I control my own fashion empire I'm going to have a stylist on call just for rainy days.

August 4th

I hate, hate, hate! sharing a room with my sister. Howleen totally growls in her sleep, she wears my clothes and she got sprayed by a skunk last week which means that every time she takes a bath, which isn't often, it stinks up the whole room. I'd hope she gets fleas but she'd just spread them to me.

August 7th

I've got to get serious about planning what I'm going to wear on the first day of school this year. I mean It's not like I'm worried about some monster showing up and looking more fabulous than me but I feel obligated to set the bar for everyone else. Last year on the first day of school I caused a minor traffic jam just walking across the school parking lot. It's going to be hard to top that but I've been experimenting with some new hair styles and I'm considering just asking for a school assembly so that crowd control won't be a problem.

August 10th

I tried a new hair remover made especially for werewolves. The label says it will totally eclipse unwanted hair and it's supposed to keep you hair-free for a week …not. It's expensive, it stings worse than wolfs bane and I still have to shave twice a day! What a rip…I could have used that money for a new belt.

August 15th

spent the day at Draculaura's. She's the absolute sweetest BMFF ever! Although if she doesn't stop trying to feed me tofu im going to bite her j/k ;p. She has like rooms and rooms of clothes. It's like a fashion museum. So awesome! She always says that were going to pick out clothes to give Ghoul Will but she always gives most of them to me. I pretend I don't need them but with so many brothers and sisters it's not like there's a lot of extra money to go around for new fashions. I guess we must have gotten a little loud though cause we woke up her dad. He doesn't really like werewolves very much but he tolerates me cause I'm friends with Draculaura. Whatever. It's not like I want to hang out with him either. Anyway, the best thing about Draculaura is that she doesn't give me clothes because she feels sorry for me, she does it because she’s my friend.

August 19th

Went to the Maul with Clawd today. He needed a new football and I needed to get some ideas for my next hair style. While I was there I saw the strangest thing. I was walking past the witches Kitchen supply store and saw Deuce Gorgon reading a cookbook! I yelled "Yo Deuce, trying to find a recipe for snake?" He dropped the cookbook and looked all embarrassed; at least I think he was. It's hard to tell what's going on behind those glasses. I think he would have tried to stone me but Clawd walked up and Deuce chilled. Sometimes it's cool to have the toughest guy in the school on your side. Thanks bro!

August 21st

If I were a mad scientist, the hairstyle experiment I tried today would be locked away in the lab never to see the light of day again. I flat ironed my hair so it was straight and then I razor cut it. As soon as the curl came back things got ugly. Even Howleen felt sorry for me. It's a good thing I'm the werewolf equivalent of Rapunzel and my hair will be grown out by the end of the week or I’d be wearing a hat until Halloween.

August 23rd

Draculaura tried to talk me into trying out for the fearleading squad again. Puhh…leeze. A list of why I'm not a fearleader:

I. I don't "Try out" for anything.

2. I wouldn't be caught human in those uniforms.

3-8 Boring and Cleo de Nile

9. While they're yelling for the boys I'm in the stands flirting with the boys.

10. Boring and Cleo de Nile.

I have thought about trying out just to show I could nake the team but then I look at my list again and it reminds me why I don't want to.

August 25th

Hung out at the Maul with Draculaura and met a new girl named Frankie Stein. She was shopping with her mom and fortunately for Frankie then ran into us. Otherwise she would have started the first day of school dressed like the Bride of Lame-n-stein. Frankie's beautiful and sweet but a bit naive. Fortunately, I’m here to make sure she gets properly educated in the ways of the fierce fashionista.

September 5th

Our annual End of summer family bar-boo-que was todan. Mmmmm...fat juicy steaks for everybody. Except for Draculaura of course. She brought tofu dogs, veggie burgers and a human boy named Jackson Jekyll. She'll always be my BMFF and the sweetest monster ever but ghoulfriend makes some strange choices. Anyway, I could tell he was really nervous, and what human surrounded by werewolves wouldn't be, until Clawd started talking about football and then the two of them kinda hit it off. I think Draculaura is major league crushing on this guy.

September 6th

I know most monsters are probably dreading starting school but not me. I want to learn as much as I can so that I'll be totally prepared when I start building my fashion empire. If for nothing else than to be able to move out of the house and get my own place without having to share everything with all my brothers and sisters. Oh no! I think I smell Howleen in the shower! Why couldn't I have been an only wolf?

About Me

Name: Clawdeen Wolf

Age: 15

Monster Parents: The Werewolf

Killer Style: I’m a fierce fashionista with a confident no-nonsense attitude. I'm also gorgeous, intimidating, and absolutely loyal to my friends.

Freaky Flaw: My hair is worthy of a shampoo commercial and that's just what grows on my legs. Plucking and shaving is definitely a full time job but that's a small price to pay for being scarily fabulous.

Pet: Crescent, a scary cute little kitten as fuzzy as I am.

Favorite Activity: Shopping and flirting with the boys!

Biggest Pet Peeve: I hate having so many of my brothers and sisters in school at the same time. They're annoying, embarrassing, and totally know how to push my buttons. Oh, and Cleo de Nile.

Favorite School Subject: Economics. One day I plan on having my own fashion empire and I want to know as much about business as I do about fashion.

Least Favorite School Subject: Gym. It's only because then won't let me participate in my platforn wedges.

Favorite Color: Gold- it’s the only thing Cleo de Nile and I can ever agree on

Favorite Food: Steak...rare.

BFF's: Frankie Stein and Draculaura

Français:

ce journal appartient à: Clawdeen Wolf

Ceci est mon journal intime. Si tu veux que ta vie dure plus longtemps que sa lecture...Tu ne le liras pas

Accède à plus de contenu en ligne: MHCWPACK

14 juillet

Je me suis levée en retard, et il n’y avait plus d'eau chaude. Ensuite, je me suis coupée en me rasant parce que mon rasoir n’était pas bien affûté et que j'étais pressée de sortir de cette eau glacée. Et la journée ne s'est pas améliorée... Plus tard, Crescent le chaton alpha doit avoir senti que je n'étais pas de bonne humeur, car au lieu de passer la soirée à tourner en rond, il s'est couché sur mes genoux et m’a tenu compagnie tant que je ne m'étais pas remise de mes émotions.

5 juillet

Il a plu aujourd'hui. Je déteste la pluie. À cause de ça, mes cheveux étaient hors de contrôle. Je n'avais pas l'intention de passer le reste de la journée avec un look de caniche-garou. Alors j'ai pris deux tondeuses électriques et 15 minutes plus tard, j'avais une nouvelle coupe! C'est court, effroyablement joli et reflète parfaitement ma nature de loup. Je pense que je vais garder ce style un bout de temps, ou au moins le temps que la pluie cesse. J'ai décidé que lorsque je dirigerai mon propre empire de la mode, j'aurai un styliste de garde rien que pour les jours de pluie.

4 août

Je déteste, déteste, déteste!! partager une chambre avec ma soeur. Howleen groque dans son sommeil et elle porte mes vêtements. Une mouffette l'a arrosée la semaine dernière, ce qui signifie que chaque fois qu'elle prend un bain, c'est-à-dire pas très souvent, ça sent dans toute la pièce. Je lui souhaiterais bien d'attraper des puces, mais elle me les transmettrait aussi.

7 août

II faut que je pense sérieusement à ce que je vais porter pour la rentrée scolaire cette année. Ce n'est pas comme si j'avais peur qu’un autre monstre ait l'air plus fabuleux que moi, mais je me sens obligée de mettre la barre assez haute pour les autres. L'année passée, lors de la rentrée, j'ai provoqué un mini-embouteillage rien qu'en traversant le stationnement de l'école. Ça va être difficile de renouveler l'exploit, mais j'ai essané quelques novveaux stules de coiffure et j'envisage de demander une réunion scolaire pour qu'il y ait un meilleur contrôle des foules.

10 août

J'ai essayé une nouvelle crème dépilatoire conçue spécialement pour les loups-garous. L'étiquette dit qu'elle fait totalement disparaître les poils indésirables et elle est censée les empêcher de repousser pendant toute une semaine... mon oeil! Ça coûte cher, ça sent pire qu'ne meute de loups et je suis toujours obligée de me raser deux fois par jour! C'est du vol... J'aurais pu utiliser cet argent pour une nouvelle ceinture.

15 août

J'ai passé la journée chez Draculaura. C'est vraiment la plus gentille de toutes les amies! Mais si elle essaie encore de me faire avaler du tofu, je vais la mordre! Je blague...;p. Il y a plein de pièces remplies de vêtements chez elle. Un véritable musée de la mode! C'est super! Elle dit toujours que nous allons choisir des vêtements à donner à des oeuvres de charité, mais elle m'en donne toujours la plus grande partie. Je fais semblant de ne pas en avoir. besoin, mais avec tous mes frères et soeurs, il ne reste pas beaucoup d'argent pour magasiner. Je crois qu'on a fait un peu trop de bruit l'autre jour parce que nous avons réveillé son père. Il n'aime pas vraiment les loups-garous mais il me tolère parce que je suis amie avec Draculaura. Peu importe. Ça n'est pas comme si je voulais être son amie. De toute façon, ce qu'il y a de bien avec Draculaura c'est qu'elle ne me donne pas des vêtements parce qu'elle a pitié de moi, mais parce que c'est mon amie.

19 août

Je suis allée aux Galeries l'Épouvante avec Clawd aujourd'hui. Il avait besoin d'un nouveau ballon de football et je cherchais de nouvelles idées pour ma prochaine coiffure. Là-bas, jai vu quelqu'un chose de très étrange. Je passais devant le magasin de chaudrons de sorcière et j'ai aperçu Deuce Gorgon en train de live un livre de cuisine! J'ai crié «Hé, Deuce! Tu cherches une recette de serpents?» Il a lâché le livre et avait l'air très embarrassé, du moins c'est ce que j'ai pensé. C'est difficile de deviner ce qui se passe derrière ces lunettes. Je crois qu'il aurait bien essayé de me transformer en pierre, mais Clawd s'est approché et Deuce s'est calmé. Quelque fois, c'est cool d'avoir le gars le plus costaud de l'école de son côté. Merci!

21 août

Si j'étais un savant fou, l'expérience de coiffure que j'ai essayée aujourd'hui resterait à jamais sous clé dans le laboratoire. J'ai utilisé un fer pour aplatir mes cheveux avant de les couper au rasoir. Mais quand mes boucles naturelles sont revenues, le résultat était horrible. Même Howleen avait de la peine pour moi. Une chance que je suis l'équivalent de Raiponce chez les loups-garous et que mes cheveux auront repoussé d'ici la fin de la semaine, sinon j'aurais dû porter un chapeau jusqu'à l'Halloween.

23 août

Draculaura a encore essayé de me convaincre de passer une audition pour la brigade de la terreur. Pfff... sans espoir. Voilà la liste des raisons pour lesquelles je ne veux pas être dans la brigade:

I. Je ne fais pas d'auditions pour quoi que ce soit.

2. Je ne voudrais pas être vue dans ces uniformes.

3-8. C'est ennuyant... et Cleo de Nile

9. Pendant qu'elles crient pour encourager les garçons, je suis dans les gradins en train de flirter avec les garçons.

10. C'est ennuyant... et Cleo de Nile

J'avais pensé essayer juste pour montrer que je peux entrer dans l'équipe, puis j'ai jeté à nouveau un coup d'oeil à ma liste et ça m'a rappelé pourquoi je ne veux pas.

25 août

Je suis allée aux Galeries l'Épouvante avec Draculaura et nous y avons rencontré une nouvelle fille qui s'appelle Frankie stein. Elle magasinait avec sa mère et, heureusement pour Frankie, nous les avons rencontrées. Sinon, elle aurait commencé l'école habillée comme la fiancée de Horrible-stein. Frankie est belle et charmante mais un peu naive. Heureusement, je suis là pour assurer son éducation dans la plus pure tradition de la mode.

5 septembre

Aujourd'hui a eu lieu notre barbe-queue familial destiné à commémorer la Fin de l'été. Mmmmm.... des steaks gras et bien juteux pour tout le monde. Sauf pour Draculaura bien sûr. Elle avait apporté des saucisses de tofu, des hamburgers végétariens et un humain du nom de Jackson Jekyll. Elle sera toujours ma meilleure amie pour la vie et le monstre le plus gentil qui soit, mais elle fait parfois des choix étranges. Mais bon. J'ai remarqué quil était vraiment nerveux (mais quel humain entouré de loups-garous ne le serait pas)... Jusqu'à ce que Clawd commence à parler de football. Ensuite, ils ont eu l'air de bien s'entendre. Je crois que ce garçon intéresse vraiment Draculaura.

6 septembre

Je sais que la plupart des monstres n'ont pas le goût de retourner à l'école, mais pas moi. Je veux apprendre le plus possible pour être bien préparée le jour où je commencerai à bâtir mon empire de la mode. Même si ce n'est que pour pouvoir quitter la tanière et trouver un endroit pour moi toute seule où je n'aurai pas à partager quoi que ce soit avec mes frères et soeurs. Oh, non! Je crois que je sens Howleen sous la douche! Pourquoi je ne suis pas un loup unique?

Infos Personelles

Nom: Clawdeen Wolf

Age: 15 ans

Parents monstres: Le Loup-garou

Look d'enfer: J'adore vraiment la mode et j'ai une grande confiance en moi. Je suis également ravissante, redoutable et d'une grande loyauté envers mes amis.

Particularité: Mes cheveux sont diques d'une pub de shampooing... Le problème c'est qu'ils poussent aussi sur mes jambes. L'emploi d'une pince à épiler et d'un rasoir constitue définitivement un travail à temps plein, wais dest ou petit prix à paver pour paraître effroyablement fabuleuse.

Animal de compagnie: Crescent, un petit chaton affreusement miguon qui a autant de duvet que moi.

Activité préférée: Magasiner et flirter avec les garçons!

Ce que je déteste le plus: Je déteste avoir autant de frères et soeurs à l'école en même temps. Ils sont Tannants, embarrassants et savent exactement convient viénerver. Oh j'allais aublier...et Cleo de Nile.

Matière préférée à l'école : L'économie. J'aimerais avoir mon propre empire de la mode un jour, alors je veux en apprendre autant sur les affaires que j’en connais sur la mode l’étudier

Matière que aime le moins L'éducation physique. C'est juste parce que je v'ai pas le droit de mettre mes chaussures à plate-forme.

Couleur préférée : Or - C'est bien la seule chose sur laquelle Cleo de Nile et moi sommes d'accord.

Nourriture preférée Un steak... saiguant.

Amis pour la vie: Frankie Stein et Draculaura

[turnstechgodhead]

ok to the anon thats talkin w me about mental eelness and bro and the "knight of time" line:

id post your entire ask but its Very Long and im struggling to answer all of it in a way that isnt fucking with my head and anxiety so im going to answer with only the character analysis stuff HERE on this post my apologies

for the record i dont even remotely know how to begin tagging this mess down here and i really think itd be better suited for my nsfw blog but yall aint asking about this on that blog which is fair take care of yourselves

JSYK it's stuff about brocal/intrusive thoughts about inc st and c s a SO kids please avert your eyes for my comfort thank YOU

i dont personally have ocd afaik but as someone who Has intrusive thoughts (actual horrifying ones that dirk, gabe and i have to beat back with a stick, not the ones kids think are intrusive thoughts today)

i definitely think that's how bro approaches raising dave; overcompensating for the accusations from his mind and cal[iborn] leading to total icing him out

okay same anon who was asking abt the “i was raising the knight of time” line. you saying “caliborn made [bro] believe that platonic affection is in fact not platonic at all and is instead sexual[the implications when bro is constantly carrying around cal with his arms around his neck btw. insane.]” is fascinating. is this based off the fact that caliborn thinks even hugging or a kiss on the cheek is “filthy?” it makes me think about ocd/bipolar disorder/misc mental illnesses and intrusive thoughts. i have bipolar and im a huge softie for kids but my intrusive thoughts sometimes try to convince me that my affection is somehow sinister.

YES very much

i need to describe to you my thoughts on brocal really quick bc i think that'll help put it in perspective and idk how else to talk about it;

heres the thing

cal is both bro's boyfriend and his fucking family okay

imagine you're a kid and you have this puppet friend that speaks to you using silly words and tells you that you should eat glass maybe :) or cut your fingers off or tear off your own head and hes the only thing thats taking care of you as a person even if hes mean

he tells you that people touching is inappropriate and vulgar and he cant believe theyre doing that in public (but its okay if we hug and cuddle you know?)

but also as you grow up this puppet starts calling you weird shit like stud or hunky or what the hell ever and maybe. youre going to kiss him

this puppet is the only thing you care about because hes the only thing that cares about you youve been with him for years and years and he talks to you and hes all that matters and now youre obsessed with him and you dont know when that happened but you have an obsessive personality anyway

youll do anything for him. (let me kill for you)

hes the only person you love because you dont love roxy this way (consuming, overwhelming, obligating to do what he wants, because he's all you have)

and well shit

if cals telling you that youre a freak for wanting to cuddle on the baby like you did that once (call it the knight it helps keep your distance) then i guess you're a fucking freak because its not even your right to treat it as family anyway; it's bigger than you. it's more than you will ever be and you need to make sure it doesn't fucking die and apparently that involves at least a little bit of affection cal please understand(what a disgusting species)

[kaiju-krew]

the Godzilla fandom kinda scares me a little, I mostly saw the diehard fans who would gatekeep a lot of stuff. But I'm glad I found your art, you seen very nice!

you're too kind :')) tysm!!

honestly after being in some anime fandoms the godzilla fandom is a walk in the park LOL

but you're right i'd say its worst feature is definitely the gatekeeping. i personally haven't seen any goji artists being gatekeepy? :O but im honestly not super engaged compared to others within the fandom so i may have missed it. i think gatekeeping art stuff in general is Weird??? and this is coming from someone who gets traced somewhat regularly, like it doesn't dissuade me from sharing in the way i think it does for some other artists :(( in fact, i think sharing techniques and resources can stop people from resorting to tracing, in a way? if you show someone more of the stepping stones to how you reached the end goal they're more likely to follow them, as opposed to jumping ship and going straight to tracing? it can seem impossible to reach anything close to what an artist you like achieves if you have no clue how they got there, kinda thing. but that's just my uneducated guess on how it may work haha (sidenote: this isnt a criticism on artists who keep their techniques private, nobody is obligated to share if they dont want to)

but anyways YES i'm always happy to engage with people who are interested to know how i achieve certain things with my art or wanna know what my resources are!! or just have fun chitchats abt the big lizard mans and how cool he is =w=

[nyoomfruits]

im sorry but 80 green-eyed epiphany just screams max about charlessss w 58 accidental eavesdropping maybe??

once again sorry this is so late ;-; still slowly going through all the prompts that are still in my inbox!!

80. green-eyed epiphany + 58. accidental eavesdropping

After the race, after a truly disappointing P6 that should've been a win, and after all the media obligations are done, Max goes to find Charles. Or, well. He doesn’t realize that’s what he’s doing until he does find him, leaning against the wall of the Ferrari motorhome, slightly hidden from view.

He takes a step forward, towards Charles, planning on asking him about that overtake on lap 36, about if he had struggled with the apex on turn 12 as well, when he hears another voice, one decidedly not Charles.

“Your tire management was immaculate,” whoever says, and then another guy comes into view as he leans his arm next to Charles’s head against the motorhome, moving ever so slightly into Charles’s space, and into Max’s view.

The guy is objectively hot. Classic tall, dark, and handsome, with black hair and broad shoulders that are clad in a leather jacket that would look tacky on anyone else but on him just looks effortlessly cool. Max frowns. The comment seems a bit on the nose, if anything. Almost a bit tacky.

But Charles. Charles honest to god blushes at the guy’s words, stuttering out a thank you as he stares into his eyes, seemingly mesmerized.

And that’s. That’s a problem.

The guy keeps talking, compliments Charles on his race pace and asks him about the overtake he did on Max on lap 36, and Max’s frown deepens as Charles seems to hang on to his every word, responding enthusiastically to every question.

Max can’t help but note how good Charles looks, race suit zipped down to his waist, hanging down to reveal his tight fireproofs underneath, his hair sticking in every which direction, his face still a little flushed from the race. But the way he’s looking at the guy, with an almost love struck expression on his face, has something ugly churn in Max’s gut.

He realizes, all of a sudden, why this is bothering him so much.

He wants to be the one talking to Charles right now, leaning into his space, making him blush, making him laugh, smiling at him the way that guy is right now, leaning in to-

Max feels his stomach churn again as the guy leans closer and closer, with the clear intention to kiss Charles. And for a second there, it looks like Charles is going to kiss him back.

But then suddenly Charles glances up, and makes direct eye contact with Max. Max, feeling like a deer caught in the headlights, abruptly turns around and starts walking away, even though he has no idea where he is going.

Charles comes after him, because of course Charles comes after him. He grabs Max’s arm, forces him to turn around. Max frowns at him, but lets himself be stopped anyway, doesn’t rip his arm from Charles’s grip.

“Hey,” Charles says. “Hey, I was looking for you.”

Max raises an eyebrow, can’t help the venom in his voice as he says, “Are you sure? Because you looked pretty busy.”

Charles flushes, awkwardly rubs the back of his head. “Listen, what you just saw, that wasn’t. I’m not. Well, I mean, I uh-“

“Don’t sweat it,” Max says, effectively cutting off Charles’s rambling. “I’m not going to tell anyone. That’s what you are worried about, right?” Charles blinks at him. “I mean, if anything I kind of get it,” Max says, feeling like he needs to reassure Charles somehow. “He’s not really my type, but I guess he uh. Is kind of hot? So I’d see why you’d uh. Want to kiss him.” Max internally cringes at his words, and for the first time in his entire F1 career, he desperately wishes for a reporter to show up to save them from this trainwreck of a conversation.

Charles’s face goes to a complicated range of emotion. “He, uh, looked like you.” He eventually settles on, voice soft and a little hesitant. “That’s why. That’s why I was going to kiss him. Because he looked like you.”

Max frowns, desperately trying to process the information he’s receiving. “What are you talking about? He looked nothing like me.” He says, thinking back to tall, dark, and handsome as he leaned over Charles, and then quickly waving the memory away again.

Charles shakes his head. “You didn’t- It was the eyes. They were the same shade of blue. And the way he was talking to me, about racing, he was so blunt about it, too. For a moment I felt like I could pretend. That it was you.”

“Oh,” Max says, eyes a little wide. “Oh,” he repeats, a little more urgently.

“Yeah?” Charles asks, a little soft, a little uncertain, and Max has never wanted to kiss anyone more. But he can’t, not right now, not right here, when the paddock is still so busy an anyone could spot them.

“Yeah,” he says, and it has to be enough, for now.

(They’ll have plenty of time to talk more, later, in the privacy of a hotel room. They’ll have time for other things then, too. But for now, there’s just the blinding smile on Charles’s face, and the soft brush of his knuckles against Max’s cheek, before they go their separate ways.)

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

aita for not talking to my sister?

we both currently live in the same house with our mother and youngest sister, who is in elementary. the sister i don't talk to is about two years younger than me. dont want to give exact ages but we are both early adults now. we haven't spoken in about six years, just small talk that is mostly just me giving her a message or asking if she wants something to eat.

now, i stopped talking to her because we got into a fight because i told her she could not hold my little sibling (at that time my mom was the only one working and i was the one caring for my three siblings, including the eldest who is disabled, and i was the only one who knew how to care for a baby.) and she told me basically to die. and a lot of her words were just stuff she was repeating from my mom who has like this weird thing against me since ive been young, never really knew why. she would yell at me in front of my siblings and still does sometimes, though not as much since shes older. anyway, i didnt speak to my sister for about two weeks because of that and also it was not the first time she spoke to me in such a hurtful way, until some family members noticed and scolded me for it being as i am her older sibling.

i didn't feel like what she said was right but eventually i realized i do love and care for her so i did try to make it up by walking her home from school and hugging her and buying her snacks from the gas station that was near our house at the time. but i guess my actions afected her and ever sense she had no interest in speaking with me, which my mother does still constantly blame me for.

i feel bad and i did try many times to fix things and even still currently although i know she doesnt care for me i do little things for her. but she doesnt want to talk and at this point i don't feel obligated to even want to keep trying to mend our relationship when she doesnt even care.

then recently things kind of went bad, which i won't go too much into detail about, but she ended up going to a mental hospital for a few days for running away and threatening to kill herself. and she made some comments about me to my mom saying that i didn't care about her and its my fault she did those things, which my mom agreed. then she came home after begging my mom to get her and pretended as if nothing happened. i soon found out from my eldest sib (who this sister is closer to) that she only did that in hopes that she could get somethign from my mom but idk what and why she even mentioned me because then some people came around asking me if i abused her or anything and why i didnt talk to her.

but it made me angry and hurt since i have been working to be a better sibling even in this awful household, ive been trying to treat my baby sibling better too so at least she knows she's loved and not alone. i am working and going to school while she (sibling i am not talking to) gets to sit at home. i get her gifts and she doesnt even thank me. i still love her even though she hates me so much, even though i know she was just manipulated by our mom to feel that way about me. and for her to say that after ive constantly tried to be there even when she didnt want me it just hurted.

now i am so tired and im preparing to leave the house because i cant do it anymore, although i would hate to leave my younger siblings with my mom. and i think i will give up trying to mend our relationship, because i thought she could change but its becoming to much and i cant be here. i know i should not have stopped speaking with her and i regret it, but i feel like my efforts over the years should be acknowledged too.

and i just need to know am i a bad person for feeling this way? should i even keep trying?

What are these acronyms?

[jimxnslight]

next part of fools gold pleaseeeee i love itt.

Um you can totally ignore this and im really sorry if this is rude but um you should totally include more of oc being a badass and then when someone else comes along goes back to being ditzy and soft, i think people want to see more of that cuz it such an interesting take on a character because she has two different personalities and its totally crazy. Like you can have her try to kill jungkook again with force this time and then someone comes in the room and she hides the knife behind her back (that has blood on it. His and hers) and sweetly asks them about their day. I personally want to see her try to kill jungkook a bunch of times and then like the fifth time she realizes hes just as crazy as she her maybe even more abd kinda feels her heart swoon but pushes it deep deep down. Jungkook would be comepletely unfazed by the murder attempts and just go on with his day except for the entertainment and amusement he would get through out the day bcuz his tiny ditzy wife is trying to kill him and then at maybe an important event she would try to kill him and he'd get angry and show her some casual dominance and tell her to shape up cuz there are dangerous and important people there and she would listen yk cuz of the threats.

Btw ik he has dirt on her and is bkackmailing her to be a good wife but she can carry out the murder attempts in secret but he could 100% know whats going on but finds it super funny and just lets her do her thing.

But honey you do a great job alr and im not telling you how to write your story its just some ideas and im sorry if it offends you but i think you are amazing.

OMGG I don’t wanna spoil anything but there’s one scene that you described that I have planned for chapter 4. Not gonna say which one to keep at least some suspense but omggg you described it almost exactly lmaoo 😭

Ahh don’t worry you haven’t offended me at all! I guess I should mention that I’m very open to (respectful) recomendations and opinions as long as everyone keeps in mind that I’m not obligated to write the story the way they want. But aside from that I’m very interested in hearing what you guys think of the story so far, so don’t be hesitant or anything!

I don’t think I can say much in regards to the way oc will be without spoiling stuff, but I hope you guys will enjoy what I have planned. And tysm for the kind words 🥺

Anyways random little update: this ask motivated me to write 4.5k words in one sitting (yes my brain is currently fried), which means 8k words down and just 2 more scenes to go 🙏

[phagodyke]

ugh had to get up bc I'm too awake to fall back asleep and started getting hunger cramps

[aemiron-main]

hey dude why dont u just stop shitting on bi mike truthers and in return bi mike truthers will stop shitting on gay mike truthers and we can all just be fucking happy w out u starting shit

i get ur pissed but making posts abt is just making it worse arent u an adult how cant u see that

ppl like u r the reason the byler fandom is like ... weird now

hey anon how about it’s my damn blog and I’ll do whatever the hell i want. Go back to twitter if you want to whine about what other people post and try to monitor their posts.

I am an adult. I’m also having fun posting my opinion on my blog. I don’t care if it’s making things “worse” if making posts about analysis & criticizing analysis techniques is making things worse then i guess im here to fuck shit up 🫡🫡🫡🫡

bro people like me are the reason the byler fandom is less weird now. people like me are the reason we can have discussions about mike & eating disorders/other content that’s In The Show that byler tumblr previously deemed Morally Reprehensible And Must Be Swept Under The Rug. If people like james and stav and i just shied away from discourse, byler tumblr would still be having a fit over the word “hose” even being whispered.

Anyway! Nobody has to follow me, i don’t care at all about any notions of “keeping the peace on byler tumblr” because i am one guy with a blog who is doing whatever the hell he wants on said blog. Take your entitlement elsewhere, nobody’s obligated to cease their own posting because you think it makes byler tumblr “weird”. I’m here to make things weird! Block me if you don’t like it!

[lilathebookworm]

ROSEKILLER FIC I STARTED WRITING

i have so so many ideas for this (Its gonna be angsty trust) but im lazy asf

enjoy the start !

Evan stared up at the Hogwarts express and tried not to look too intimidated, it was just a train after all. Jules was climbing the steps, her suitcases banging noisily against each step, eventually she disappeared out of his view and he hastily climbed up after her. She was waiting off to the side for him, and raised one dark thin unimpressed eyebrow at him before walking off, presumably to find her friends.

He wasn’t sure if she wanted him to follow or not, so Evan stood awkwardly by the door for a bit before deciding to chase after her.

He found her attempting to lift her luggage up so she could fit them on the rafters above the seats. Despite not glancing back at him Jules still somehow seemed to know he was there.

“Evan? A little help please?”

Evan was the opposite of strong, unless you classify a skinny, scrawny nerdy looking 11 year old “muscly”. Neither the less he obliged dutifully pushing with the suitcases through the door.

He stops after the first hoisting the first one up, panting lightly, embarassed by how challenging it was. He turns to shoot his sister a massive stink eye to which she rolls two dark heavily painted eyes at, and pushed past him to put the luggage up herself.

He huffs.

Suddenly a high pitched squeal rang through the air and a small girl with faded pink hair appeared, wrapping her arms around Jules.

“B!” Jules cries wrapping her arms around the smaller girl, burying her face in her light hair. Evan watches the affair hoping he doesn't look too creepy staring at the girls.

Eventually “B” untangles herself from Jules and turns to face him.

“You must be… Evan?”

He nods.

“Cool! My name's Bones. Well technically its Amelia Bones but no one ever calls me by my first name.” She grins at him, her hair is choppy, and uneven, pink curly bangs framing her face, and eyeliner smudged under her eyes. She furrows her eyebrows looking at Jules. “Why is that Jules? Y’all don’t like my name or sum’?” She adopts a horrible western accent for the last sentence while Jules giggles. Who knew his older sister could still experience joy?

He smiles back before quickly wiping it off his face when he realises the older girl is no longer looking at him and instead attempts to casually lean against the wall. 

“Hmm. I don’t know, guess Bones just sounds cooler then Amelia.”

“Oi! It’s still my name y’know!” Bones hand darts forward quickly pinching Jules on the arm.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I’ll call you Amelia if you want?”

“Nah, I prefer Bones anyway.”

Evan stares at his sister as the two continue to tease each other, trying not to look too surprised, this Jules is so different from the Jules he knew. The Jules he knew was moody and quiet, prefering to blast her rock music, then talk, let alone giggle the way she currently is.

“Uhm. *Jules im going to go try and find an empty carriage*” She flips him the bird in response. “See you around?” He directs this to Bones, who nods enthusiastically in answer.

He shuffles down the corridor, glancing in the carriage windows, which all to his dismay, are all full of excited students. Eventually he comes across a carriage containing only one passenger, a boy with incredibly neat black hair, who looks to be around Evan’s age.

“Err… hi, mind if i sit here?” The boy glances up, showcasing eery gray eyes, pale skin, dotted with light little freckles and rosy pink lips, lips that twist into a scowl when his eyes meet Evans.

Wordlessly he nods, before turning back to stare out the window again, Evan ducks his head, keeping his eyes on the floor as he organised his things and sits down on the seat opposite the other boy.

The two sit in awkward silence for a few minutes before it eventually becomes too much, while Evan is already not much of a talker its seems this boy is even more so. 

“So err… whats your name?” 

Those cold gray eyes slide back onto Evan and stare at him long enough to make him squirm.

“Regulus Black.”

“Oh… cool.” Evan knew who the Blacks were, he couldn’t not, having grown up in an ancient pureblood household himself. He racked his brains trying to remember everything his mother had ever told him about the Blacks. He knew they were descended from old money, and infamous for their belief in pureblood supremacy, as well as the lengths they went through to maintain said “Pure” blood. He vaguely remembers seeing the two Black children once at a party, however it had been years ago.

Theres a long pause as Regulus seems to be considering something.

“Ahm.” He clears his throat importantly. “What’s your name?”

“Evan. Evan Rosier.”

“My parents told me about your family.” He says it with his nose upturned, like he knows just how much better he is.

“What have they s-”

“Bloody hell!” The doors burst open and another boy appears, his brown hair is sticking up, like a potion exploded right in his face, dressed in drab torn clothes. With a wild grin plastered on his face and a mischievous gleam in his eyes that make him look kind of like a manic pixie high on many many things..

“Ah, gentlemen! Do you mind?” He gestures towards the seat beside Evan, who too startled to say anything just nods hesitantly.

The boy carries no luggage at all, so he simply sits, kicking his feet up so they rest beside Regulus, who glares at them, the disdain clear on his face.

There's a beat of silence before the boy talks again. “Well are you not going to introduce yourselves? Bit rude if you ask me.” The boy's accent is posh, despite his ripped get up, giving away what must be a wealthy uprising, and while he looks to be the same age as Evan and Regulus, he talks and carries himself like a boy of much older status.

When neither Evan nor Regulus responds the boy huffs. “MY. NAMES. BARTY.” He says loudly over- pronouncing each syllable

“Merlin, do you ever shut up?” Regulus cracks, glaring viciously at the other boy.

“Ah! Finally! I was worried you didn’t speak english for a second there.” Barty is still sporting the cheeky grin and winks at Regulus’s dramatic scoff.

“We are quite literally on a train in London, ENGLAND right now.”

Barty simply waves this off. “Soo… You still haven’t told-”

“BARTEMIOUS CROUCH, GET YOUR ASS HERE NOW.” 

The doors burst open for the second time that day, revealing a beefy looking older man, whose face is contorted in fury.

Barty jumps, nearly two feet in the air and scrambles up immediately and puts his hands out as if he's trying to tame a wild bull. “Oh c’mon Marco, I was just having a wee bit of fun, didn’t mean nuffin’ by it.” There's a pause. “Scialla?”

“You embarrass yourself. Now change out of these sorry clothes now, or I'll kick you sorry ass all the way to China.” The flurry of words out of the newcomers mouth are uttered in a thick italian accent, which manages to make the threats all the more menacing..

“But they're so much more comfortable then those stuffy robes you want me to wear!” Barty whines.

“Oh but- but- !” The older man mocks in a high pitched voice, before dropping to an angry monotone. ”Que palle. I don’t care.”

And then Barty is being dragged by his ears out into the hallway, complaining all the while how the collar of some cloak jabs into his neck.

Evan glances at Regulus bewildered, expecting to see the same expression reflected on the other boys  face, however Regulus is simply scowling again. He raises one perfect eyebrow in Evan’s direction before turning back to face the window.

A few minutes later, the sound of voices sound outside the carriage door.

“-He is under  lot of stress right now Ometto. I know it might not seem like it right now, but he wants you to be successful.”

“I’m sure.” Barty drawls.

There's a short scuffle and a high pitched ‘ow!’.

“Watch your mouth Ometto-”

“Ain’t your little man no more Marco.”

“Awe, so cute, you almost got uno hair on supple chin of yours-”

“Oh piss off.”

“No, I am not finish, you-”

“Finished.”

“-I write you once a month. Answer and don’t get into too much trouble.”

“I’ve never done anything even remotely troubling in my entire life.”

“Sfacciato. Don’t lie. Good luck Ometto.”

A disgruntled looking Barty slides through the door, dragging two leather trunks behind him, outfitted in long black robes, that make him look much older then he is. The new outfit makes Evan realise just how attractive the other boy is, almost more so then Regulus as he seems completely unaware of it. With his scruffy hair, wide, dollike brown eyes, and pouty lips, he truly looks like one of the princes from the stories Evan reads about. 

There is silence, as Barty stands awkwardly at the door, the new look, seeming to have taken away all of the self assurance from earlier.

For some godforsaken reason Evan decides to break the silence. “Loving the outfit, Bartemius, really highlights your eyes.” It really does, but Evan’s not about to admit that.

Barty turns to look directly at Evan for the first time, taking him all in, a strange expression on his face, like he can’t believe Evan would dare say something to him, although he doesn't seem at all embarrassed by Evans comment. Evan shifts uncomfortably, regretting having said anything at all.

Then just like that the moment is over and Barty is plopping down in his previous spot by Evan and grinning, like a cat from a story Evan once read. “Ahh, so you can speak!”

Evan flushes against his will. “Could always speak, just chose not to.”

“Mean too! Aren’t you cute!”

Evan turns bright red. Why would he say that? Who says that? “You don’t even know my name.” He grinds out.

“Ahh, apologies, my name is Barty, and you are?”

“Evan. Evan Rosier.”

“Pleasure to meet you Evan Rosier.” Evan has never heard anyone say his name the way Barty says it. He hates it.

Before Evan can embarrass himself with an answer Regulus speaks up, sounding almost curious.

“Who was that man?”

Barty’s grin doesn’t falter. “Eh, he works for my dad, known the old hag since I was small as.” He leans in, all conspiratorial. “I can personally confirm he's always had that massive stick up his arse.”

Regulus is looking at Barty, with this assessing look in those startling gray eyes of his. “My parents know your father.”

Regulus seems to love talking about his parents.

Barty just shrugs. “Lotta people do. Question is, do they like him or not?”

Evan personally had no idea who Barty’s father was.

“Second.”

Barty turns to fully look at Regulus, looking genuinely interested in the conversation for once. “Are you perhaps a Black, perchance?”

“Who just says perchance?” Evan mutters. “You can’t just say perchance.”

“Son of Walburga and Orion Black.” Regulus says, the pride clear in his voice.

Evan can only see Barty’s side profile, but even that is enough to see the smile stretch even further across his face.

“Right on!”

[wejustvibing]

Hello again!

Sorry for being in here so much! I wanted to ask your opinion on something about Lewis and his interactions with people he is interviewed by or who he meets for the first time. What i mean is, when Lewis met Takashi Murkami and he described him as a nugget of love or something of those words or when the Mercedes E Sports boys met Lewis and Marcel said meeting Lewis is like an experience you can’t put into words (again im not sure of his exact words) what do you think it is about Lewis that makes people feel that way? Because no offence, i don’t often see anyone else being spoken about in this manner, so I wonder what it is about Lewis that has people feeling this way. And in your opinion, why do you think, despite this, people still want to call his character into question and imply or blatantly say he is the opposite of what so many other people have said he is?

I also would like to ask, what are a couple of things about Lewis that you appreciate?

Have a good day!

hey you! sorry for getting to this so late. i needed a breather. yes!!! people's reaction to meeting him is my absolute favorite thing. the way murakami has described him is a masterpiece in itself. it's so overwhelmingly priceless. he must be magic, this guy <3

well i've never met him so it wouldn't be right for me to try and guess the feeling or vouch for any of these experiences. at least not without bringing out my inner parasocial crazies. but in my opinion, aside from the obvious personality and aura, he's highly intuitive and excellent at reading energies around him and more often than not he reflects them back, probably drawing people in. he's super respectful and attentive when they're engaging him which must be refreshing. also he never ever does what's expected of him—including expectations based on perceptions, media reports or hearsay that always paint him a certain way. it probably surprises them the most i guess?

i appreciate and love a whole lotta things about him but let me try and stick to the topic and context here. i love that he is compassionate and often tries to show it through actions. he will ask interviewers about their day or lives, in a curious yet respectful way. will try to make them feel comfortable by being calm and soft-spoken. will try to make time for fans and not just through sheer obligation. i like that he's intentional with every single thing he does in public eye. it comes from hard learned lessons i'm sure and must take a whole team of people to make it work so well. but i love it, especially when you know the level of unnecessary scrutiny he faces.

i love the fact that he's not perfect. don't think i'd be a fan if he was. as someone learning to live with maladaptive perfectionism i take solace sometimes knowing it's okay to be less than perfect and it's okay to learn and improve, it's okay to keep striving in ways that might never reach perfection. you're allowed to be wrong and you can always be/do better the next time. i love it when he's spontaneous, lets out normal human emotions and passionate reactions. i love that he's one petty mf if and when he decides to be. love that he's always curious and ready to learn. he's not afraid of expressing himself, being himself (anymore), i really admire that. he could have easily gotten jaded by now with the amount of success as well as negativity but instead he's elevated himself beyond both and has nurtured his heart to be the best version of himself and enjoy the journey he's on.

but, one thing that i love the most about him is how easy he makes everything look. if there's one thing about him it's that he is going to make everything look effortless—hard work, driving, winning, success, fashion, attitude, reaction to criticism & hate, and most of all living (and living rent free in so many heads). it's probably what pisses some people off too. must need heaps of discipline, focus and strength to achieve it. but he does it anyway and you have to appreciate that.

[frankendykez]

this is highly different from the usual posts i make, but im only posting this because i don;t have. anywhere else to really say it normally and in a way that doesnt seem like im purposely making the people around me discomforted. regular posting will go back after this, but for this vent post specifically tw for: mentions of (almost) sucide attempts and suicidal thoughts

i almost attempted quite a few nights ago. almost. i had the knife in my hand but pussied out last second. i'm glad i did. i thoguht the worst period of my life was roughyl around 13 to 15 or so, but even though i did have suicidal thoughts then and hid it all up with whimsy, i never got this close to an attempt. i don't know why i tried this, i don't want to die, i want to live and be happy and i am still trying to be happy and hopeful despite all of this, i am trying to be optimistic but i suppose despite my current belief (or something im trying to turn into a genuine belief) that my life is worth something, i guess i am just havig Quite The Year right now.

i want to live, you know, and i will live, im sure of that, i guess that one moment was a odd one off thing, if that makes sense. i know i will make it through whatever im going through, and i have a strong reason to keep on living --- it's for the people that i love, mainly, my friends. i don't want them to ever have to miss me, or to ever stay awake in bed during late night crying about my suicide. i want to die of old age, i want to be there for the people i love, my life really is just other people and honestly, i think any reason to live is a good reason to live, as long as it makes you happy and improtantly alive.

i am the most loved ive ever been in my current friendgroup (but i don't think they deserve to hear me vent about uncomfortable topics nor would they want to me which is understandable), i think, but "home" has been horrible. i don't know what to do with myself, everytime im out i dread going home, i don't think i've ever past a day without crying at least once, or getting irrationally angry at something minor. and things have happened in the past also affected the way i think, you know. sometimes i don't believe the love my friends have for me, even though i also at the same time i know its true. i know i deserve to be loved and i will do anything to be loved and in turn i love all my friends like they're my entire world, but it feels like my brain is at war with itself, one side being stupid irrational thoughts and actual logic. i often have breakdowns about "not being anyones best friend", and whenever i vent about this to a friend of mine, theyre always like "ur my best friend!!" and i want to believe them so badly and i kind of DO but i also don't, some annoying part of me just thinks theyre just... saying that. i suppose. its kind of silly to believe i was born a person, sometimes i feel like a vortex, always hungry for love, craving more than what im given. this is such a long paragraph already but i havent even describe the extent of my emotionality, which tbh i rather would not do. i already said too much anywyas. but also little enough taht i just sound like a whiny little bitch, tbh.

i dont know why i said so much, i think it was another attempt to make the few people that read this not worry much about me trying to attempt suicide again. but yeah, i was having a Time. god this barely makes sense lol. thanks for anyone who read tho no ones obligated to respond or interact. i got over it, it was a few days ago anyways. jus had to say it somewhere without making thigns in the friendgroup feel uncomforyable.

sometimes i wish i didnt live but im so fucking glad i did

sorry for this post you lot, promise thisll be the only one. love you guys even if i barely know u. i dont mean to sound like an attention seeker, i just need to say it somewhere, i guess. god i sound so stipid lmfao

[conanssummerchild]

okay so id initially put this in the tags of your ask but i thought id put it in your askbox so you don't feel obligated to answer it or you wanna answer privately instead cause it's very rambly and kinda personal

#also im curious. what do you do after you get an autism dx?#because like back when my psychiatrist evaluated me for a bunch of things. i was curious if i was somewhere on the autism spectrum too#cause i did check a lot of boxes#and she essentially told me i have a lot of the overlapping stuff because of other conditions and i could do the autism evaluation#but it would be a waste of time for me because it wasnt my main dx and doesn't make my life unbearable#because im already taking meds and shit for other stuff but you dont take meds or really do anything about having autism#so she basically told me you might be on the spectrum but there's no point in getting a dx cause it doesnt change anything#but also cuz for me it's probably mild and doesnt affect my every day life that much#so yeah i guess i was curious. im so sorry if this comes off as rude btw#because i know getting dxed changed my life and its so much better now. and im so proud of you for that finally happening#and my situation is very different from yours like even if i am on the spectrum it probably doesn't affect me to an extent where it fucks#with my every day life to an unbearable degree yk#but im definitely curious about how you go forward once you get an autism diagnosis when it does significantly affect your life. like do you do anything about it?#i do know it's validating as hell and your parents will finally take you seriously. cause you've obviously known for a while#and again i know its gonna get so much better hereon. getting dxed literally changes your life and im so so happy for you#how did your family and everyone take it?#like i had the worst relationship with my parents i was gonna cut them off after school but it got so much better after my dx#like they became so much more understanding and like put in the effort to change and be better and its still a long road but yeah#it's kind of fucking awesome and life changing and i really hope it is for you too#im so so so happy for you

well i guess i dont really know yet, i had an appointment yesterday at school hours and i went alone and then i went straight back to school and now im at my friends house so i havent seen my parents yet. i have my last appointment with my psycologist in 2 weeks and that one is with my parents so its basically when shes going to tell them, i dont plan on telling my dad about it before then bcs he can go fuck himself but i am going to tell my mum as soon as she gets home from barcelona. so i cant really say anything parents-wise yet. as for like outside that at the moment theres really nothing at all i can do until my parents are in on it, since im a minor my parents are the ones who choose if the school knows and i can get accomodations but if they choose not to tell them theres really not much i can do, so for me a diagnosis doesnt change much (apart from FINALLY after more than EIGHT years knowing whats different abt me) unless my parents let it change stuff, and at the moment i font know if they will :/, so to answer "what do you do after a diagnosis?" i really dont know. if u want to get diagnosed though and u think you could i would probably go for it, you can keep it to urself since ur over 18 so u dont have to tell anyone else if u dont want to and idk it might come in handy even if it doesnt it is nice to feel validated but anyway its up to you <3

ps: you can literally ask me anything u want to know i dont mind and dont worry abt coming off as rude i dont think u r <33 love u