#anyway i am exhausted and sad and not trying anything new sorry

[boringwomanwithabook]

pov: i need you to tuck me into bed

[munson-blurbs]

How do you think Eddie would react to a fwb reader who uses sex as a distraction from their feelings?? Like, they’ve been having a bad week an their mental state isn’t great but heyyy there’s sex. Reader doesn’t really care about the pleasure part of sex just the distraction. Worried Eddie would feel a little used ngl :P

((Dancy dances away nervously))

I know you started this with "do you think" but my brain said WRITE A BLURB so here we are. Also shoutout @corroded-hellfire for helping me make it cute without being cliche.

Warnings: mentions of smut (18+ only, minors DNI), friends with benefits, angst/yearning, idiots in love, made it fluffy because I'm a sap

WC: 747

--

You hadn’t thought anything of it the night he’d called you “baby.” He was deep within you, melding his body with yours. Lost in the moment.

Or the night he’d mumbled, “your pussy was made for me” while slamming into you from behind. It was just dirty talk; nothing more and nothing less. 

Maybe you should have been tipped off when he’d growled, “mine,” his voice barely above a whisper as he pressed soft kisses below your earlobe. You’d figured the word, like the sex, was meaningless. 

But tonight’s comment stops you in your tracks. Your legs are wobbling beneath you, exhausted from riding him, as you step back into your pants. 

“Do you wanna, like, cuddle for a sec?”

A giggle escapes from your lips, swollen and kiss-bitten. He’s joking; he has to be. The two of you have a perfectly choreographed routine: you have a bad day, you call Eddie, you fuck, and then you leave. And his latest suggestion would definitely interfere with step four. 

When your eyes meet his, you realize that he’s serious. Hurt and confusion at your laughter crease his brows, and he tugs the sheet up a bit higher. 

“Sorry, I, um…” He shakes his head and rubs his face. “Never mind. You probably have to go anyway.”

You’re in no hurry to return home, fresh off of yet another argument with your roommate. That’s why you’d come over to Eddie’s trailer in the first place. And it isn’t as though you’d never thought about being in his strong, tattooed arms. The way he’d hold you flush against him, your cheek on his chest, the sound of his heartbeat in your ear. It’s something you’d once wanted—craved, even—but you couldn’t let vulnerability infiltrate you like that again. 

You spent high school watching him pine over the cheerleaders. He unwittingly broke your heart over and over with each woman he hooked up with at the Hideout, overlooking you despite your presence at every show. Being friends with benefits is risky enough, and post-sex snuggling will send you teetering over the edge back into the rocky terrain of unrequited love. 

And so you lean into humor as you shrug on your shirt. “I don’t think this friends-with-benefits arrangement includes cuddling.” Keeping your tone light and even, restraining every desire to crawl into bed with him. 

“Right, yeah.” He sighs and offers a sad half-smile. “It’s just…I was thinking—”

“That’s dangerous.”

He flips you off and continues. “I was thinking that maybe we could be more than that. Y’know, maybe we could have sex when you’re happy, too.” 

“I am happy when we have sex,” you counter.

Eddie shakes his head again. “I’m talking about before we do it.” He gnaws on his thumbnail. “It feels like you only want me when you have a bad day. A-And I’m glad I can be here for you and stuff, but sometimes I wonder if I’m a friend or just a good lay.”

You try to look at him when you speak, but he keeps his gaze trained on the ground. “Eddie,” you start, taking a seat next to him. His chest is slick with sweat, the soft hairs matted down. “Eddie, I had the biggest, dumbest crush on you when we were younger. And knowing I couldn’t have you tore me apart.” You let your hand rest on his. “I can’t risk having you and then losing you.”

“Losing me?” Eddie laughs softly and his free palm comes up to cup your cheek. “Look at me. Where am I going?”

“You could find someone new, someone better, someone who—”

He cuts you off with a searing kiss, remnants of your arousal still tinging his lips and tongue. “There’s no one better,” he murmurs. “You see me answering the door at two in the morning for anyone else? Think I’d miss out on precious sleep for them?” 

One arm hooks around you back and pulls you in until you assume the little spoon position. Nimble fingers undo the button of your jeans, slowly and patiently, a stark contrast to the way he’d practically torn the denim removing them earlier. 

“‘S that comfier?” He asks through a yawn.

“Mhm.” And it is. It’s the most relaxed you’ve been in a while, at least without him inside you. 

His curls tickle the back of your neck as he nuzzles into you. He staves off sleep long enough to speak one last time. 

“I’m glad you’re staying, baby.”

--

[hannamoon143]

Perfect, like the moon in a dark night

Genre:Fluff,Comfort,a tiny little bit angst

pairings: Bf Felix x Fem. Reader

Warnings: none i think

summary: you and Felix drifted apart in the last weeks because you were both very busy,but maybe a night with shining stars and a mesmerizing moon could reveal your feelings and thoughts .

a/n: yes i wrote another little fanfic(sry it's very short tho),i am relly getting into writing now,i think i will write more often,and try to improve my writing.i would love to get some feedback<3 Now enjoy this little fluffy story<3

not proofread

As you came back to the apartment that you shared with your boyfriend,you didn't expect felix to be home.He never came home before 10 p.m. But it still made you a bit sad that he wasn't there.

Usually you stayed up till your boyfriend came home,so you two had at least a little bit time together.But today you were just so exhausted.You had a lot of things to do during the whole day ,and your boss snapped at you because you made a mistake in a presentation.

Tired you dragged yourself to the bathroom.You took a quick shower and then put your pajama on.You let yourself fall into the bed and scroll a little bit on your phone.You were planning to wait for felix,but you slowly drifted off to sleep

Felix went inside your shared apartment.He knew he neglected you in the past weeks.It was because of his new tight schedule.He could tell you didn't like it,and you both wished that you would spend more time together.But you never complained about anything,cause you knew how much felix's career ment to him.

Usually you were awake when felix came home.You always said you stay up late anyways,but your boyfriend knew you only wanted to wait for him.He said you didn't have to but you did it anyways.So felix couldn't blame you when he found you sleeping in your shared bed.You still held your smartphone in your left hand.

Felix kneeled down in front of you,laying his head on the edge of the bed.He noticed your exhausted gaze,and the bags under your eyes.Also with these details of exhaustion,you looked beautiful like you always did.

Suddenly guilt and something different hit felix.Also if you both had tight schedules and deadlines,he knew it was mostly his fault that you two didn't spend so much time together like you did before straykids comeback needed to be prepared.

He admired your face a little bit more,and then placed a soft kiss on your lips to wake you up.You immediately opened your eyes and looked in his soft gaze.He felt a little guilty for waking you up,when you clearly were exhausted. "You are back",you said with a sleepy smile on your face.

He gave you a warm gentle hug,that you really needed after your tiring day.You nuzzled into the crook of his neck,when you suddenly heard him say something.

"Wanna go for a walk?",felix asked with his soothing voice,returning a cute smile.Also if it was 2 a.m. you didn't hesitate for a moment as you nodded.

As you walked along the river where you always used to do picknicks together,and also where felix confessed to you,finally felix's voice broke through the silence.

"y/n...i'm very sorry that we don't spend so much time together anymore,i know i neglected you,and i didn't want to-"

"Felix" you said with a slight trembling in your voice "We are not perfect,but that is not only your fault.I also could have put more effort into our relationship.But felix...we don't need to be perfect."

After a little silence finally your boyfriend said something.But you didn't expect what he answered "Do you remember why I call you my Moon?"

"cause stays call you sunshine?",you said with a light giggle.

"No y/n not only because of that.I call you that because you call me sunshine.And because sometimes i need something of your calm,and mysthical personality,and you something of my energetic,lighthearted personality."

"And y/n...you are right,we are not perfect,but in my eyes you are perfect.You are perfect because of your mesmerizing eyes,because of your pretty smile,because of the way you laugh.Cause we are perfect for each other.And for me you are perfect like the moon in a dark night"

"Wow Felix, that was beautiful. You are beautiful."

He looked at you with so much love and admiration in his eyes that you just wanted to be with him for the rest of your life.You also must have looked like that cause with a sweet smile he asked you "why are you looking at me like that?"

As if it wasn't him who had the sweetest lovingly look on his face,you thought.

"Because you not only have the stars in your eyes,the sunshine in your lighthearted personality,and the milky way mirrored in your beautiful freckles.You have all these things also in your soul.And that's what makes you perfect for me"

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #145

I am really struggling today. Once again, my brain got really weird, and today I ended up doing something particularly dumb.

...I don't really wanna talk about it. But suffice to say, I ended up exhausting myself, and I didn't pull the lilac blooms from the greens today, either. I ended up not really doing much of anything, except for having very serious discussions with M and J, which is fair, all things considered.

In my world, today is Mother's Day. I dunno if you have a similar holiday in your world, but in mine, it's supposed to be a day in which we're supposed to celebrate mothers in general. Everyone goes on and on about how inherently loving mothers are supposed to be, and all about how saintly and magical and wonderful they are, and...

...Well. As much as I miss mine sometimes, I don't really know what they're talking about. Mine mostly just liked to lord it over me that she put food in my stomach, clothes on my back, and a roof over my head for the sake of getting me to keep house, watch her other children, allow her to vent to me, help her with making adult decisions about who she should be with or where we should move, and then expect me to withstand her wrath when I inevitably can't do these things perfectly.

My mother does beautiful things like sing and play guitar. And she can be loving, supportive, and kind. But the "loving, supportive, and kind" bits were mostly reserved for other people. It's not stuff she typically showed to me. If I came to her with my problems, mostly I just got a tirade about why I shouldn't be angry or sad or scared, and then she'd do nothing to actually help me, oh and by the way, how dare I have the audacity to ever be anything other than happy under her roof because I should always be oh-so-grateful that she puts up with my sorry ass because no one else ever will, and maybe she should send me back to my father's house so that my stepmother can beat my ass into shape, and... just. ...Sigh...

I've spent most of my life trying to protect myself and trying to figure things out on my own, because I was "the smart one", and therefore she felt like teaching me things wasn't something she should have to do, because in her eyes, I should have already come equipped with "common sense". I was taught how to do dishes not by her actually sitting with me and showing me how to do them, but by her screaming at me and calling me "oblivious", "ungrateful", and "lazy" anytime I did it wrong, for example. Any mistakes I made were chalked up to willful disobedience, being uncaring, or being stupid instead of being unpracticed, inexperienced, and clinically clumsy. The fear of being bad at things and the fear of trying anything new still haunts me.

There was one night in particular in which she made it painfully obvious that even if I am in immediate physical danger, she will not help me - opting instead to pretend she's sleeping so she can observe without me knowing, to "see if I can fend for myself" (which I did do; I was successful, thank goodness), and not even come out to comfort me after the fact. I don't really like to talk about it. I think I probably won't get into it. Not unless you ask. And you won't ask because you can't ask. Because obviously.

...Anyway, suffice to say, I have no idea what it's like to have a mother who actually cares about me as much as she cares about her capacity to use me as an extension of her will, or her capacity to use me as a verbal punching bag when I fall short of being a perfect extension of her will. So... here we are.

I know you grew up without one altogether, and so your situation is a little different from mine. But all the same, I wonder how much of my situation you can relate to. If you have a Mother's Day in your world, I wonder if it's hard for you, too.

In any case, I tend to avoid places where Mother's Day is gonna be celebrated. I avoided going to the place with the leader today, for example, because I didn't want to hear some syrupy speech about how all mothers everywhere are inherently nurturing and supportive. That being said though, I think I wouldn't mind so much about these speeches if I could say, "well, actually..." without everyone else getting super pissed at me for having experiences outside the norm and challenging stereotypes by speaking on those experiences.

...Goodness, but today especially, I really feel like I don't belong here, on this planet, in this world, in this solar system, in this galaxy, in this universe in general. I feel disconnected from everything. I want to leave. I want to go home, wherever the fuck that is, because it sure as hell ain't here.

...Hey, Sephiroth? If your planet ever stops being super fucken racist against people who weren't born in its Lifestream, do let me know. When I'm all done on my planet, maybe I'll see about applying for a visa to where you live or something. Why not. Or maybe once I'm out of my meat-mech, I'll just wander the cosmos by myself for a while. If you're not still busy trying to save your world by then, maybe you can wander with me, if you want to; I've always wanted to see what the inside of a star looked like. We have a planet called Neptune in my solar system; supposedly when it rains, it rains diamonds instead of water. Maybe we could go check that out, too. Or maybe we'll go see what's under all the gas clouds of this other planet we've got called Jupiter. Saturn's also pretty cool, what with all its rings... maybe we'd find some nifty stuff over there...

...

Well. In the meantime, I played some video game about diving today. It's called Endless Ocean Luminous. You're a scuba diver and you scan stuff. It seems pretty cool, I guess. But admittedly, I'm not entirely sure how it works yet. I imagine I'll figure it out, though. I'll take some pictures of it if I come across anything interesting to show you.

...I really miss being able to swim...

Well anyway, I don't have much else to say. Today was pretty depressing and difficult and I feel very defective and not very lovable or wantable. I feel like I am not good for other people. I feel like I should leave my meat-mech permanently so that no one has to deal with me anymore. But I don't have to succumb to thoughts like those, even if the temptation to do so is very difficult to resist right now. I can just wait for the feelings to pass, and they will pass because that's how feelings are. Nothing is permanent.

I love you. I'll write again tomorrow. Maybe by then I'll have something better to say. Stay safe, because I'll be over here doing my best to do the same.

Your friend, Lumine

[vacantgodling]

unique writing asks: 1, 5, 7 (for any and as many WIP/s as you want), and 30

thank you valen <3 i hope you're doing good!

1. What themes would you like to write about that you feel don’t get explored very often?

tbh its less about what doesn't get explored often and more like, the way that a lot of people do it doesn't do it for me so i gotta make it my fucking self. a lot of it does center around representation for men especially and most importantly queer and poc men. mlm relationships that aren't just teenagers, that aren't just completely happy and non problematic, that have MASCULINE men and positive visions of masculinity. nonbinary masc leaning characters, men over 30 that are complex and have rich inner lives and rich emotions especially with other men.

also black fantasy that isn't "black first" -- i really don't know how to explain it but as a black person i am MAD tired that every fantasy that a black person is in always tends to come with some caveat about being black or showcases black struggle, or they're a minority. i want fantasy that is a majority black cast and has nothing to do with them being black. i want fantasy where every character is an individual and their skin tone has nothing to do with the story. i want queer people who's stories who deadass have nothing to do with being queer they just ARE. i'm tired of having to lead everything with my identity and not being able to be just a GUY and i feel strongly about that in my works too. like yes, all my works are queer and poc and nd centered. but them overcoming these things or having challenges with these things isn't always the point, ESPECIALLY not with race like i am SO FUCKING TIRED of my race being a factor in fantasy man like i'm exhausted.

5. Would you rather write a happy ending that soothes the soul or a tragic ending that hurts the heart?

happy endings. i refuse to write sad endings. AT MOST i will write bittersweet endings, but i just dislike writing endings that are tragic. tragedies can be super good but i just don't like things to be super dour and i don't like things that steal away my hope. i want there to be some sort of hope there, even if it was hard won and hurts a little.

30. What is some of the best writing advice you’ve read or received? Why does it work for you?

honestly the best advice i ever learned or got was to write things that make YOU happy and to worry about the themes and shit later. the thing is: everyone has morals or things they believe in or shit that is important to them; trying to force them out and into a story is the easiest way to stifle whatever creativity that you have about the idea or the characters etc. if you're trying to FORCE yourself to create a message instead of letting one form naturally, then it just gets rough as shit. and at least for me, i've found that when i write what i want to write and focus on the shit that i enjoy, messages and themes come out on their own anyway.

7. Favorite description in your wip? (If asked more than once, respond with a new piece each time)

prepare for a lot and so i'm putting it under a cut lmao: sorry in advance for this overload but prose is probably the thing i'm proudest of generally speaking

CAGE

His first study of Hanzo wasn’t entirely fair to the man; clouded by anger, and distrust, and not to be dramatic, but definitely a bit of apprehension, but perhaps this was the first time Cassidy was truly seeing Hanzo. He’d thought the elder Shimada’s nose was like the jut of a mountain cliff; but was there anything more majestic than seeing the peak of a mountain obscured by clouds at the crest of dawn? His eyebrows were severe, but why did Cassidy only just now notice that they feathered at their ends like the wings of tiny birds? Hanzo looked like Genji in Blackwatch; when he snarled, when he let his expression fall flat, and lifeless. But here, and now, with a soft linen towel draped about his shoulders, his dragon tattoo near iridescent in the cresting evening, his hair once again down and fanning his shoulders, and gazing up at the expansive blanket of the stars with a quiet and meditative eye, Hanzo looked practically seraphic. 

COME TO BED (one of my 3 buddy daddies fics)

“We can’t do this unless you take it off too.” And as with everything, Rei ceded. It was a painful show of trust; Kazuki could see it in how he hesitated but his hands kept moving, kept unzipping his tracksuit, tossed it; shrugged out of his tank top revealing a chest Kazuki had seen many times before riddled in scars. But it was different now; to touch it, to taste it, to feel Rei shudder beneath his ministrations, to watch him gasp and tilt his head back. Kazuki wasn’t sure what was more intoxicating: his skin, his reactions, or the trust they suddenly built here. They couldn’t go back after all of this, and like with Miri they wouldn’t. They’d fight, they’d fuck up, but Kazuki was beyond the point of not putting a name to this thing between them and Rei must’ve felt the same because he was here. He was here, here, here. Kazuki thought it and kissed it like a mantra to Rei’s collar, Rei’s stomach, Rei’s thighs. 

WILDFLOWERS IN THE PAVEMENT (one of my 3 buddy daddies fics, warning for nsfw)

Better. His eyes seemed to say. That Rei looked better like this; domestic and falling apart in the safety of his arms, bangs sticking to his forehead from sweat and love. Rei felt better like this. Suwa Rei was becoming some distant thing to him—some cloak he donned before slipping out into the night, some second skin that was becoming too small to crawl in. This Rei, who let Kazuki strip his cock raw until he was over sensitive and panting, wrapping his legs even tighter around Kazuki’s back. This Rei, who met Kazuki’s wine dark eyes with a plea, a promise, with love, with need. 

“K-Kazuki.” 

“I’ve got you.” Kazuki said and it was enough, it was enough.

PARAMOUR -- dude there's gonna be a lot i went loco on the paramour prose

Hyacinthus glanced over his shoulder, only slightly; not enough to draw attention to it. The voice that rang in his ear was but a passing whisper, smokey like an open fire, and sent that same warmth chasing through Hyacinthus’s gut. In his peripheral, he caught sight of a plain black crow mask. In the dim electric light of the room, it glimmered with embedded black gems, only just so to give it the illusion of motion. It was a half mask like his own; the slow smile that came to the person’s face when they realized Hyacinthus was looking was far too telling.

##

Pretty dead leaves of fire and gold had begun to coat the cobblestoned streets of Halifax when Hyacinthus received another one of Aloe’s letters.

##

He didn’t take Hyacinthus’s hand, merely started off through the suffocating mass leaving Hyacinthus no choice but to follow. Hands and bodies pressed close from all sides—writhing and grasping, seeking to touch, to steal, to feel—to take anything they could get their hands on. Hyacinthus squared his shoulders broader and began to push. Whether his shoulders or the severity of his expression told them to move a small channel around him slowly began to take shape. That was the difference between himself and his wiley butler, who weaved and bobbed in and out of the crowd with ease. Whenever there was an opening, like water, Amon slipped through—fluid and malleable. Hyacinthus however, shaped any opening to his own size. Water in a vase, as was water to a mountain. They pushed and shaped each other, in ways uncomfortable to dwell on.

##

Moonlight washed the courtyard in pale blues and serene milk whites. Below this floating palace, the lights were harsh and gold. He could almost taste the stiffness of the air; choked with mirth and alcohol and the fervor of the night. The packed rooms of The Nimbus, the claustrophobic walls of winding back alleys, the grunts and groans of passion and pain; all of the world’s earthly pleasures, finite and pale delights compared to this quiet. 

Entranced wasn’t the right word. It wasn’t strong enough. Transfixed. Illuminated. Anchored. Their lips had yet to touch, yet the only thought in Amon’s mind was the pleasures of the divine; lips and tongue and tastes of the gods. Hyacinthus was before him, yet he wasn’t close enough. He wanted to be one in the same skin. To follow the thread of intimacy until he forgot who he was supposed to pretend to be. For a drop of mercy he would kill for it; beg for it. A soft indulgency that could never be his but how Hyacinthus’s gentle caress of his cheek made him yearn.

##

Narcissus’s world was like glass. Delicate, intricate, finely blown and shaped, to a perfect sphere she could cradle within her hands.

THE GRAVES WE DUG

His thoughts wandered, as they tended to these days. Dark, hooded eyes roved over the small bits of scenery presented to him. Drunkards lavished themselves over poker and pool tables; brims of their hats tilted high in jubilation or low in deception. Graves’s own gambler was tipped low down; to keep the bright, fly addled, naked bulbs above from creating blind spots in his sensitive vision. He was a creature of the darkness and this saloon was too bright; too close to a normalcy long foreign to his mind.

He drained his bitter dram, then set his glass to the side. The girl who refilled it was prattling on about something he wasn’t hearing. He let his eyes slip closed. 

Then, he was standing on the balcony of The Rome.

[morathicain]

It’s time for a new happiness - Pisaeng/Kawi

Warning: breakup, miscommunication, the author’s frustration about episode 10 screams loud in this one

!Don’t like don’t read and don’t complain if you still do it!

Anyway, have fun? I guess?

When Kawi entered their apartment around midnight after his latest concert gig, exhaustion weighing heavy on his shoulders, the lights were still on. Was Pisaeng still awake?

They rarely met at nights like this because Pisaeng  had to get up early and Kawi usually came home late and needed some time to rewind, even if his body screamed for the bed already. Sometimes he’d even sleep on the sofa just so he wouldn’t disturb his partner of eight years. But today, it was different and when Kawi met Pisaeng in the kitchen, sitting on one of the chairs with only a glass of water in front of him, clearly waiting, the dread finally settled in his bones.

He hated this. He’d always hated this. The tension of a serious talk to come, the helplessness of not knowing what would be said, the inability to anticipate the next words, the outcome and what he was supposed to say to make it right, to make it better. Kawi would much rather figure things out on his own and change them so that there was no talk necessary. It had come to the point where Pisaeng didn’t even try anymore and in Kawi’s book that was a win, right? Right?!

“Oh, hey”, he laughed awkwardly, carefully putting his bags away instead of dropping them into the most convenient corner, “You can’t sleep?”

Pisaeng’s voice was somber and calm, not the way he’d usually greet Kawi with a smile that could be heard in every corner of their rooms: “Hello Kawi. How was the gig?”

“Good, good”, Kawi let out an awkward laugh, the tension in his neck so high by now, it was a wonder he hadn’t turned into a stone statue yet, “A full house and the owner gave us a bonus for getting so many people in.”

The following chuckle was a bit softer, Pisaeng’s “I am glad then” almost normal enough for Kawi to persuade himself that everything was well. That it was nothing but his exhausted imagination, that ...

“Kawi”, the seriousness was back and Kawi’s breath caught in his throat, “I know you’re tired and I’m sorry but we need to talk and I haven’t seen you for three days.”

“Ah”, Kawi straightened and scratched his neck with an awkward laugh, avoiding his partner’s eyes desperately, “I’m sorry, it’s been such a busy week with the festival and our usual gigs. I promise it will get better soon. Did you eat anything already?”

“Kawi ...”

“You probably did, of course”, Kawi forced himself not to run to the fridge, taking the longest way possible so he wasn’t anywhere near Pisaeng, “Did you go shopping as well? I am starving, I tell you. They always want to give us drinks but never food.”

“Kawi ...!”

Not even perceiving what was in the fridge, Kawi closed it forcefully again, wincing. “Was your day okay? I know the office has some deadlines coming up, right? You really shouldn’t have waited, I know you don’t get enough sl ...”

A loud bang made Kawi flinch and shut up, involuntarily turning around towards Pisaeng. Pisaeng who was standing by now, leaning on both his hands on the table, trembling. It was a foreign experience to see Pisaeng’s anger so clearly, mixed with a new kind of helplessness, for once not covered by a smile.

“Pisaeng, why ...”

“I’m in love with someone else.”

Kawi’s whole body froze and he could do nothing but stare. What?

Taking a deep breath, Pisaeng reigned in the anger, leaving only sadness: “I have fallen in love with someone else and I want to break up.”

Break up? Nausea overwhelmed Kawi’s mind, flashbacks of their moments together, of bad futures and trying pasts threatening to overcome him.

“I’m sorry”, Pisaeng looked as if he wished he could step close to comfort Kawi but he stayed put, didn’t move even for one centimeter, “We tried and you tried, I know. But while trying to give everyone a happy future and make the right decisions, we can’t forget our own. And this right now? It’s not making either of us happy.”

The words sank in like stones and Kawi felt sick to his stomach. He could do nothing but curl his hands into fists and stare and wish himself away.

A look of pity crossed Pisaeng’s face and Kawi hated it, hated the whole man suddenly, no matter how afraid he was to let him go, to be left alone, once again.

“He”, Kawi swallowed, “Doe he ...” make you happy?

The pity vanished and Kawi didn’t know what to make of the mixture of emotions he now saw: “Of course, that’s the thing you’d ask about. You’re not even angry, not ... Kawi, I didn’t cheat on you, I only fell for someone else and had to realise that we don’t work out anymore. Haven’t done so for a long time actually.”

“Who ...”

“Does it matter? I haven’t even told him yet and I’m not sure I will. Not for a while at least, not while I still struggle with my feelings for you.”

Kawi swallowed: “Do you still love me?”

Pisaeng looked away for a moment, choosing his next words carefully, deliberately, putting another knife into Kawi’s heart anyway: “Not like I used to. Not the way I need to, to stay your partner. I still love our memories, your fondness of food, your puppy eyes and your voice, but it’s different. It’s not enough.”

 ‘You’re not enough’ was the addition Kawi couldn’t but hear next to Pisaeng’s actual words. It hurt despite knowing that Pisaeng would tell him it wasn’t the case if he uttered those thoughts. It hurt ...

“Kawi”, Pisaeng said after a long moment of silence and Kawi could see and hear the old fondness again, proof of what they’d once had, “It’s not your job to make everyone happy. We’re all our own people and now it’s your job to find your own.”

It was as if a big weight had suddenly dropped from the centre of his chest. Tears threatened to overcome Kawi and he didn’t even know why. Was it heartbreak? Was it relief? All at once?

Tentative steps made him look up, his sight foggy from the tears in his eyes, his breath trembling. Now, Pisaeng was finally in front of him, so familiar and strange at once, his face and body screaming “sorry” and Kawi didn’t want to hear it. But he also did and he didn’t know, wouldn’t know ...

“What do you need, Kawi? Right now?”

The softness was killing him but with the gates that had been closed for so long open suddenly, he couldn’t stop the flood, the sudden surge of needs and wishes and dreams and broken hopes.

“Can you hug me?”, he asked, voice trembling, “One last time?”

And Pisaeng smiled, almost like in old times.

“Of course.”

~~~

The next morning, Pisaeng packed a small suitcase and a bag.

“What about the sheets you chose?”

“You can keep them.”

“They’re ugly, I don’t want them”, Kawi pulled a face and Pisaeng laughed.

“I’ll get them later when I have a new apartment.”

Kawi hummed in agreement and watched his now ex-partner considering his packing carefully. Still in his pyjamas, Kawi was sipping his coffee, his heart weirdly calm and peaceful. Maybe it was because he’d cried so much last night or maybe it was just a short moment, maybe it was real relief. Whatever it was, Kawi didn’t want to think too much about it currently because right now, he felt more relaxed than he’d done for ages. Which was a realisation he for sure had to delve into later but not now.

Now, he was laughing at his boyfriends ex-boyfriends friends (?) struggles with the knowledge that this wouldn’t be the end, no matter what path they’d choose in the future.

“Don’t go the lone wolf route, alright? Tell Max, tell Pear if you want to and I know Fluke will be happy to support you, too. Don’t think you’re alone again, okay? Because you aren’t.”

“Okay, okay”, Kawi rolled his eyes fondly, “I’ll let you know I’m still alive from time to time.”

Pisaeng huffed and flicked Kawi’s forehead before turning to the door: “I’ll tell you as soon as I have an apartment and we can sort out the rest then.”

“Sure, sure ... wait!”

Confused, Pisaeng stopped and stood there while Kawi ran into the kitchen suddenly and came back with an old, battered up mug full of blue turles which he pushed into Pisaeng’s hands: “Don’t forget your old favourites. Even if you’re on your way to find new ones.”

And Pisaeng smiled, pressing the mug against his chest: “I promise I won’t.”

the End

[requiemofrebellion]

thinking today is gonna be a self care day. i think i've been feeling so drained and not really taking the feeling of being drained into account. so today might be a break from tumblr things unless i get the inspiration to write. i will still be around on discord tho and still available to chat, just not gonna worry about tumblr today unless the writing bug comes back.

i also might be getting sick... so fdgf blah. i may post memes cause i got no self control but will mostly be off tumblr. under the cut is just more rambling and tw for a bit negative down below.

it's the start of the new year and brain just been so depressing. intrusive thoughts of like i ain't good enough and whatever i do is blah, have been very much present. but it could be worse cause i might be experiencing burnout on everything. i haven't really done a self care day in a while where i just chill and try not to worry about anything so i think it's time to take today as a self care day.

i also think my meds need to be upped again cause these depressive episodes been lasting longer than what i want. but i don't see my psychiatrist until the 11th.

i'm just so tired of brain telling me that no one likes me and i know logically that isn't true, it's just the thoughts i can't help, they just creep into my brain and it's exhausting fighting with my own head. Some days are better than others but sad that the new year brain just went "no celebrate, we depressed." type of vibes and i'm trying hard to muster up good vibes.

so anyways i am just rambling away cause getting this off of my chest helps even just a little.

think i might play some games, think of what i wanna write for pirate aus cause those have been fun to brainrot about and maybe watch movies or animes. i'm hoping if i take this day to myself then maybe i will feel refreshed tomorrow to write and be more upbeat.

if you're still reading this, i'm sorry for being so down. i try not to burden people with it, and trying to pick myself back up. don't know what it is about these last couple of days. x...x

[bluiex]

you would have gotten this fluff sooner but since i was sat i went to pet one of my dogs and after like 5 minutes he completely got up and readjusted his laying position so he could curl around (as much as a fully grown labrador can) my hand and fall back asleep, it was adorable and we don’t deserve dogs but i just couldn’t use my right hand at all, i only just escaped an hour later, also my phone is being weird my app will suddenly freeze; the screen goes black with a frozen loading symbol for a few seconds; it then just does to my lock screen; i open my phone and apps/widgets dont show up, they exist but dont show up i think apple is purposefully breaking my phone so i get a new one/hj i think i also need to install a new update but this is just ridiculous

anyways here’s the fluff i mentioned earlier, and by fluff i mean hurt/comfort

here’s the tws: SH, PTSD, trauma, i only have a rough idea so add more if need be, unless your reading this then i forgot

—

“Scar,” Grian suddenly said walking into the room voice shaky and tired. Scar looked up at him a little confusedly face instantly morphing to one of concern and empathy.

Grian’s eyes were noticeably red and puffy, corners still full of unspilt tears. His body looking like it was barely supporting itself like it just wanted to pass out right then. And his face overall was the worse, his stair was messy, not in usual Grian fashion but more like he had been tugging at it and putting his head in pillows. His mouth was open just barely showing a sliver of shaky teeth, cheeks glistening very lightly and overall a look of sadness and exhaustion.

“Songbird? What’s wrong?” Scar asked instantly jumping up talking two steps towards Grian to show he was there but not invade his space incase he needed it.

“I’m sorry,” Grian simply replied eyes filling with regret as he cast them to the ground undoubtedly feeling to guilty to look Scar in the eyes. Scar could almost feel his heart break at that.

“What on earth do you have to be sorry for?” Scar asked trying to keep his voice steady, something for Grian to take reassurance in.

“I-I promised you I’d, that I’d try, but I-I just couldn’t, I needed to,” Grian said voice so small and regretful he seemed back to being a child having to tell a parent he accidentally broke a window playing with his friends.

Scar stood brow furrowed in concern and confusion till he noticed Grian purposefully keeping his hands away from his thighs where they should be.

“Oh sweetheart, you relapsed didn’t you?” Scar asked taking another step towards Grian wishing he could instantly just hug him and take all his pain and worries away.

“…Yeah,” Grian replied softly eyes staying unmoving from the floor.

“I’m not mad,” Scar said “or disappointed, or upset, or anything you’ve worked through your brain you think I am, I’m just worried” Scar said taking a pause between each thing he listed letting his voice stay smooth and soft but letting it show he was speaking the truth.

“Did you just put your pajama pants on without taking care of them?” Scar asked voice dipping slightly more concerned.

Grian nodded weakly still refusing to meet Scar’s eyes again. Scar carefully took more steps towards him waiting to see if Grian reacted negatively yo any of them till he was right next to Grian lightly rubbing his arm.

“Lets go to the bathroom so we can properly take care of them, it will be so much worse if they get infected, infected scars are no joke,” Scar said very lightly pushing Grian’s arm loosely in the direction of the bathroom.

“Alright,” Grian said voice still very small and quite and Scar gently led him to the bathroom. He asked Grian to very carefully take the pants off so he could clean and bandage the cuts. Grian did as instructed and carefully sat down on the side of the tub eyes still on the floor and tears very lightly spilling from the edges.

Scar grabbed some alcohol wipes, Neosporin, and bandages to use. He turned back to Grian doing his best to keep his face neutral as he looked at the fresh bloody cuts on his partners thighs.

“I’m going to clean them with the wipes first, it’s going to sting but they’ve stopped actively bleeding at least,” Scar said crouching down in front of Grian who nodded softly taking the extended hand scar offered him to grip onto as Scar very carefully started to sanitize them.

“Oh- Fuck!” Grian exclaimed hissing at the wipes doing their job. He held Scar’s hand so hard his knuckles went white but Scar didn’t falter trying to not prolong the pain of the cleaning process.

“Alright, alright its over, now I’m going to use a q-tip to apply sone Neosporin, shouldn’t sting that much, just a tiny but but not as bad,” Scar said letting Grian carefully un-grip his hand so he could unscrew the cap and squeeze the contents out on the q-tip for application.

“I’m sorry,” Grian said again startling Scar as he lowered the q-tip towards the cuts.

“Songbird I already said you have nothing to apologize for, relapsing is a completely normal part of recovery,” Scar said putting the q-tip down grabbing both of Grian’s hands together with both of his looking at Grain’s eyes who slowly raised them meeting his.

Scar kept holding Grian’s hands with only one as he applied the Neosporin causing a slight flinch but nothing else.

He then gently bandaged then after checking how Grian was to which he replied that besides mentally everything was great.

“Alright, I’m finished, how are you now?” Scar asked very softly running a hand on the bandages to make sure they were tight enough.

“Tired, can we just go to bed now?” Grian replied not meeting Scar’s empathetic eyes.

“Alright, if you need to talk I’ll be here all night and day tomorrow, or however long you need.” Scar said bringing himself back to his feet stretching gently offering a hand to Grian who took it using it to return to standing wobbling some.

They went to their bedroom where Scar pointedly ignored any red splotched tissues. He gently pulled the covers over both of them holding Grian softly petting his hair as they drifted off to sleep.

—

holy shit im so tired i can barly keep my eyes open this took me like 45 minutes goodnight

We don't deserve pets. They're the best ever

Aww Scar is the sweetest qoq

[izacore]

I was the anon who talked about the teams monitoring and I loved your answer, thank you! I didn't take it as being attacked at all. Truthfully, I feel out of my depth and am trying to catch up to the wealth of info out here so it was very helpful to get some perspective. I didn't even know about the anons during BG or any of the previous stunts. That is fascinating!

I absolutely do not think Harry is an asshole at all (at ALL). I think he cares too deeply, and has a separation and maybe allows his team way too much leeway so he can have a true private life. I think he's incredible and I would never want to imply that he's callous in any way. I just... you know, I guess my hope is that his moods don't go up and down with the fandom or gp perspective on him because that makes me sad, ya know? Although seeing the new pics from DM today made my heart break; he looks absolutely miserable and exhausted.

I guess what I was trying to say is that it's incredibly tough to be a celebrity, especially someone at Harry's level of fame. Nothing he does is going to appease everyone. But what you said about him allowing his name to be dragged through the mud -- that hit me. I totally agree. I hope he's able to wrest some control back from this insane situation.

(For context, I'm a public figure myself [hence, anon] so I have a lot of compassion for people who are in the spotlight. You really have to disconnect. No reading reviews. No allowing that to enter your space. Same with my celeb friends. It's like... you just can't get pulled in! So yeah, I hope he's okay. I hope his team is protecting him, but likely, they're not. It all just makes me sad.)

Sorry my asks are so long and thank you for your patience!

Hi, thanks again for coming back! Yes, the amount of information to catch up on is really overwhelming so I understand how hard it is to get through and to all the details. Let me know if you'll ever need anything, I will try to provide links 😊

It's nice that you explained your perspective and I can see where we are coming from. I'd even say that we more or less on the same page. I absolutely agree with it being better for him to not really be heavily on social media when people are unfairly shitting on him. I also don't think he isn't going to appease everyone, but where the problem actually is here, is that hshq certainly tries. They want everyone to have a piece of him, not taking a stand and now, in this situation with holivia, imo they lost the plot and decided to associate Harry with wrong person with completely deranged values who very visibly negatively influences his emotional well-being. That's why in some way I consider it a win that even his het fandom is voicing their displeasure, because if there's chance for anything to wake hshq up it's the threat of damaging their business.

However, knowing how miserable the last 2 years were and they did nothing to take care of Harry as a person and a brand I am not hoping for much. I just feel sorry for him that the reputation and positive recognition he has been building for himself were all tarnished for... this woman. He gained nothing from it and if I were him I'd have more whole team fired on the spot.

I guess the conclusion would be that while yes, it is important for celebs to detach from how people perceive them (I can't even imagine to be under the constant scrutiny), in this case Harry's team should get to work and actually do something about people tarnishing his name and brand because of one, insignificant, failed, lying, wannabe actress.

Anyway, my rant got long too haha, glad there weren't any hard feelings and feel free to drop anytime 😊

[lemonflowercat]

it's complicated: ch.01

i got stuck in freeze mode today, and i think it's because yesterday was a "fail day". i don't think i know very well how to regulate emotions that are associated with failure. anyway, although i did none of the things on my 75 soft list, i did get other things done - meal prep, laundry, some chores. i also watched a decent movie. ate 2 decent meals and then, a fight with A + luteal phase exhaustion made me cave into fast food. the highlight of my day was, while waiting at the ENT for A, this lady who was there to get her daughter checked, turned to me and handed me her business card. she kindly informed me that she was a health and fitness coach who has a big group of women she conducts "online fitness classes" for on Zoom, and said i should definitely join because, i quote, "you will look beautiful if you lose weight." it was kinda sad but mostly funny. i couldn't even be angry because i feel like we're from different generations and different worlds altogether, i just felt sorry for her and all the women in her class for believing that their beauty/worth was tied to a number on a scale. --- which is still something i find myself believing in on my lowest days. <sigh>

on a tangent,

i've started this new thing of noting what triggers the i'm-not-in-control-around-food feelings and it's interesting. so far i've noted

sleep deprivation

restless but not doing anything (doomscrolling doesn't count as doing something), typically on PMS and freeze mode days

strong sadness or frustration

anger directed at myself

feeling like a failure

when relaxation kicks in after something exhausting

not eating enough filling stuff through the day

waking up from an afternoon nap after a small lunch

eating out

having foods that i like but typically come under "bad" around the house

for sure these are pretty run of the mill reasons, and you'd think i'd have been aware of them already - but i wasn't! actually noting down these triggers has made me realise that a good chunk of them are practical problems - which makes me feel like less of a crazy person. for instance,

sleep deprivation

not eating enough filling stuff through the day

waking up from an afternoon nap after a small lunch

some of them are emotional, and i think this comes from the unhealthy ways i learnt to regulate my emotions through childhood.

restless but not doing anything (doomscrolling doesn't count as doing something), typically on PMS and freeze mode days

strong sadness or frustration

anger directed at myself

feeling like a failure

when relaxation kicks in after something exhausting

and then there are some things that are a reflection of the way my parents have been about food

eating out

having foods that i like but typically come under "bad" around the house

noting down all of this makes it easier for me to find solutions - especially the practical reasons that drive my binge sessions. i can also empathize with myself now! - i can finally turn off that mean voice in my head that berates me and my "fat girl" food choices. kinda also makes me feel less like a victim, and more of just a person to whom life's happening, y'know?

next steps from here will be 1. continue noting triggers 2. work out solutions for the ones identified

step 2 is easy for the practical ones.

sleep deprivation: a. of course, try not to miss out on sleep too often in a week. like once a week should be good. b. if i haven't slept too late (like say before 2 am), wake up at 8 am latest because then my cycle doesn't get too fucked up, my brain isn't as groggy, and my day still feels almost normal. b. often i'm too exhausted to cook so maybe have easy filling meal ideas at hand? c. it's cool to just eat whatever i want anyway

not eating enough filling stuff through the day a. again something that only happens if i'm too exhausted to cook, so having easy filling meal ideas at hand is the way to go. b. literally, just order in something nice and filling and wholesome if i can't cook - i deserve it

waking up from an afternoon nap after a small lunch eat a fruit or a toast with something, can swap out afternoon tea for a no-milk one to maintain calorie count.

problem solving for the other categories are just...well, things i'm still learning about myself and reading about. there's lots of figuring out wise-lemonflowercat is still working her way through. two things that i might have something for though:

restless but not doing anything (doomscrolling doesn't count as doing something), typically on PMS and freeze-mode days now this one -is a hard one. and i have big days of this coming up since i've hit PMS season. here's a rule i'm making for myself this PMS season, and i'm hoping to stick with this whenever i go into freeze modes: no media consumption when PMSing/freeze mode-ing. i don't want to call this a "rule", it's more of advice wise-lemonflowercat has for everyday-lemonflowercat: media consumption/hanging out on the internet is a slippery slope for me when vulnerable (PMS, freeze mode), because i get too easily sucked into doomscrolling or binge watching - both of which leave me feeling drained, my brain feels disgusting and body feels like a potato. so i actively want to make sure to either read or self-express (write, make art) instead. one movie/day - preferrable in the night - is a-ok.

feeling like a failure - have multiple restart points through the day. the "failure-feeling" or "i'm-a-loser-feeling" is one that often greets me on 1. the morning after a typical "fail day" 2. as the day progresses and things don't go as planned 3. when i get stuck in freeze mode i'm in the process of getting better at self-talking myself through the morning ones, and by far it's the easiest because it's still the start of a new day. but the other 2 have been where i crash and burn, often zombie-ing through the day, waiting for it to be night time just so it can be morning - the only time my brain considers appropriate for a fresh start. i want to give myself more "fresh start" points through the day. it's going to look something like x -> fresh start, where x is an activity that really clears my mind. ideal times are, 1. around 11 am 2. around 4-4.30 pm and 'x' can be, 1. MOVEMENT like i am still always surprised at how it can really flip my mood around! cardio works best - walks, runs, or even just a 20min session of HIIT. sometimes these require more motivation than i have at hand, and i find yoga, pilates easier to do. but every . time. i finish a sesh and i feel like a brand new person again. 2. meditate+breathwork is a bit of a hit and miss. it has worked more times than not though, especially when coupled with 3. a good long shower. with scented candles, peppy music, maybe a pre-shower face/hair mask, moisturising after - basically, just really showering love on my body. 4. a science-y podcast: this works for me because i'm such a nerd, ig. i love weird facts, discussions really get my brain going and just listening to all the amazing things people are doing out there is a real motivator for me to get on and do my shit too! 5. journalling 6. watching "productivity guru" videos ahahaha, no but like really. i have a few go to people, and i just turn on the video in the background and it's like someone is giving me the talk i needed to hear. also a hit miss - honestly, a miss more often, because it's easy to get sucked into doomscrolling from here. i think this whole strategy works great to combat that all-or-nothing mindset of needing a day to be perfect top to bottom. it's really sad the amount of grief i give myself over a couple of wasted hours, and i really do hope i'm able to teach myself to turn a day around at any point.

i wonder if there are people to whom all of this seems blatantly obvious. i guess i'm just not a person these things come naturally to, and i have to actually teach myself to be this way. i think this is what self-love and self-parenting are about, really.

[daythieving]

log 241123

sorry i haven't spoken to you in a couple of days. my job has been kicking my ass and i've been very busy. i've been alright. i kind of hate my job and i never want to work in retail ever again. i need to go back to food, or something else that doesn't involve talking to people all the time. i tried fixing my pc again today to no luck, which was really driving me fucking insane, but it's whatever. i only went to school for like 3 hours because i hate going class nowadays, i missed my girlfriend and she's been really sick so i wanted to go cheer her up. i just finished watching an online concert and i'm in a good mood now, which is very nice, but i'm so tired. i wasn't even there!!! i hate being so exhausted all the time. i completely slept through my alarm today and i just feel like i've been too tired to want to do anything. sobriety is still going okay, although i'm already starting to worry about new years. it's really making me anxious, but i feel like i've just been so terribly anxious about everything these days. i don't know- i know that i'll probably get invited to go out with some of my friends and i want to have fun which means i'll probably be drinking. it's hard to have fun when everyone else is drunk and you're the only sober person, to me at least, because i just get really hyperaware of how embarrassing being drunk is. i don't even have a good excuse either, because i certainly can't be the d.d if i can't even drive. i've narrowed it down to four options.

i go out and i knowingly break sobriety. my friends who know will be disappointed but i will have fun.

i go out and do a shit ton of drugs instead of drinking. i won't technically break sobriety but being high isn't as much of a party thing as drinking is. will probably be half as much fun as drinking.

i go out and stay sober. i will not have fun and get very overwhelmed but i will stay sober. the most morally correct option.

i don't go out at all. none of my other friends like to go out so i will probably be at home and i will be sad. i will still be sober and experience zero second hand embarrassment.

i don't know what to do. i'm worried that if i try to drink in moderation that i'll end up overdoing it anyway. that's the kind of person i am. it's scary to deal with. i don't know. am i even ready yet? what's even the point of being sober if i know i'm just gonna get drunk again inevitably? my head hurts. this is so difficult.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary10

this is definitely a kind of milestone. 10 of these. that's nice. over a week of my life documented. it makes me happy i think. anyways. listening to poison hands by shearing pinx right now.

today i heard some fucked up stuff. a friend who is a substitute teacher had to deal with some kids showing some other kids stuff they should not, and no one on earth should be seeing.

i feel bad about knowing this kind of thing happens. i won't really go into the thing itself, but it gives me a sense that right now being a child is basically impossible. it was already impossible when i was a kid, i think. it was impossible for me at least, cuz at 10 i basically became familiar with how people could desire me, and even if only over webcams it's basically been a thing that's been inside me since forever. i don't think there's anything we can do. because of this sense that things are inhospitable and abuse is happening in ways we can't really understand, fags (e.g. me) will be blamed for creating some kind of modern gomorrah. everyone knows it's straight people and basically mostly, if not always (and it isn't always) men.

today i did record 1 more song, super screechy, and went into current single i'm trying to get out to redo some parts. i think it's basically 97% there for real now. i meant 98% but 97% seems maybe a little better.

i also wrote a new super short thing. exciting and fun, that one's probably going to go on the album. i wrote it while my gf was on the phone with her very annoying brother who i mostly feel bad for and i'm sure i'll talk about more. he's obsessed with christmas and having kids right now and i don't want him to have kids. he wants a son, his fantasy is to take his son to the bar when he turns 21. he doesn't think he'll live past 50. i think his life is going to be longer than he wants or expects.

when i was in highschool i thought i'd be dead by now.

i vced with my friends today. we talked about alien conspiracy and galactic federation shit. very sad people a lot of the time i think. i guess. i dunno. i want to write but i feel exhausted.

i really hate but am fascinated by all this content about how the internet right now is a pit full of groomers. it feels basically and profoundly reactionary, basically about how there's things happening right now at such a scale that we cannot know, and therefore, it's prevalent everywhere. but it probably isn't. a lot of people are basically normal. normal meaning a lot i guess.

it's too complex to put here and i just want to write it in fictions and poems (lyrics (i should get closer to thinking of them as poems, they sort of are because i just sort of write whatever and try to make it fit for the short songs)) where i can eviscerate and look at remains. here it's too. i dunno. i want to feel it in my teeth. i want to write. i am spent and tired. tomorrow i want to write but i will probably record.

i love my girlfriend of course. today i was thinking about how lucky i am to have met her. she has basically saved my life. that's insane to reflect on. without her i would be trapped at home still. we need other people, to motivate us towards something, people materially around us, to hold us by our hands, enough of us around one another, we can do anything i think.

i wrote something good that i am going to stick somewhere else. you won't see it unless it gets put somewhere you can see. sorry.

i wrote more, i think i'm happier now. i'm listening to the shame by the blood brothers. the writing is at least useful, it situates something for the 2nd part and makes the 3rd part easier maybe.

i love the blood brothers. i think they're a perfect band, every band after their first is perfect i think, excluding the last which is maybe just suffering from a couple songs with weak parts but not wholly weak. i love them so much. i love so much music.

i was thinking a lot today about how in highschool, discovering a lot of this kind of post-hardcore and hardcore, with high screams and less masculine voices, stranger music and stuff, really gave me something to attach to, it's like, real androgyne music to me. i dunno. the heat and flashing of these instants of pain, the screeching boys rendered into, i dunno, whatevers, ecstatic and sprinting from ideas, it's so perfect.

i keep saying that, sorry.

i need to read more soon. so much i need to do. oh, i cooked tonight, that was nice, and it was fun but i burnt the vegetables a little and my gf finished dinner which she usually doesn't do, actually, she's usually not that hungry ever so i get it but it does hurt my feelings because it makes me think it's me and nothing else. i'm a baby i guess. i'm too sensitive. everyone said that to me since i was a kid. honestly i wish i were more sensitive.

my friend saw that cover art i was making him finally, he likes it, that makes me really happy. my friend is me and my kidney, he makes cool dance music, this new record he's working on he's trying to go in a ymo direction sort of, as well as a bit of a weird midi-(ish) fusion thing. it doesn't really sound like midi, it's beefed up and has other samples, he wants something really organic but not actually like, really performed. not for conceptual reasons, he just loves synths, you know. we all do. or he and i do, and that's part of why we became friends in hs, cuz we liked weird synth stuff. i'm excited about what he is doing right now.

anyways i should try to relax now before sleeping. my face is washed and i did all my working out. #swaggy

[imlosingmyfuckingmindgirl]

past week, jan 8.

well well, it is 2314 at night as im writing this, my one roomie is talking to someone and other roomie is out talking to his friend but was supposed to get me water. fuck him. i seriously love frank ocean. im bout to cry my ass out on white ferrari. first lemme hit nights. past week was FUCKING EXHAUSTING. it was all midsems, every night study while not retaining anything in the morning. sometimes i was completely blacked out on the papers. man i hated this week so much. i think i will score very very poor in this midsem. i dont know how will i face my parents when i tell them my score. im scared, on the big god. im scared as fuck. apart from proff comms, i dont think i will score a decent score on any paper. it was so bad. let's see what happens on 11th as i get fucked from others' reaction. fuck this exam season. apart from that, my parents went to my sister's place to take care of her while she is developing her twins (manifesting is strong here vro). it caught me offguard that they went home, it was so unexpected. but its okay, they are together. she needs them, more than me. and you know i always let go only to find out later that i dont. white ferrari, good times. i don't wanna do this anymore, i think im fucking depressed. i would have not forgiven myself if lexa killed herself that new year's eve night. she told me that she was going to do it. but could not. i dont know if i can save her but i will try my best. i care for her, i fucking do. i fucking care for her as if she were my girl. even though i exist for her only in her mind. she told my she has this college debt and she could not pay it back and how she is a dissapointment and all that negative manifestation. i freed her from all that, all i could. i just dont want her to go out like that. she has been thru it all. i know. she is very brave and i will let her know it. i wont let her die. my backside pains so much as i am typing this. our whole hostel is victimized by covid, i think. everyone is falling sick. gods grace im okay till now. please let me be okay, god. im outchere, drinking mojitos and cokes and shit while these guys are suffering. god i spent reckless today. my fucking tire burst. spend 630 on that. ate some good shit for dinner 175 for that. i been spending like racks. i am guilting myself over it. and i have no remorse. guilt is overrated anyway. i dont know why, i just feel sad. like bruh lemme be happy one night. i just feel like all my family problems are caused by me. i dont feel my emotions unless and until i write them down. now its hitting me. just saw a reel stating that her mom is in depression and it shows her pampering her mother like her own child. just pictured it with my own mom crying and now i cannot sleep. somenights i just wanna cry my eyes out. like soak this pillow wet. If you think about it, it'll be over in no time And that's life. im tired of moving, im tired of aching. i dont wanna do this anymore, i just wanna cry until i die. nicoles new album just came out and i vibed to that while the full moon was out. it was fucking beautiful. i pictured death and its beautiful. i love her. and i dont love people. i love you mom, and dad and my sister. but sorry if i lose some battles. i hope i make it out. peace, tommorow is my music audition plus my physics lab, wish me luck. peace to every crease. -alister.

[lostacelonnie]

Happy new year!! Im sorry that sounds so cringe & not even close to the fun way. Oooh very exciting i am excited for you! Honestly i wiah i knew it always feels like. So much. Around the holiday time & always makes me exhausted. Wish it could be more chill somehow. I would definitely recommend it if you think you may like it more than the anime. But i understand if it aint a series for you. End of eva is good dont get me wrong its just also. Weird and hm. S2 is sooo close too im gonna be like counting down the days. Did you watch the final bocchi episode yet? Cheesecake my beloved indeed its always been my favorite. I did also look a bit at polishwave & saw regular drinks under the uh. Sign that looked like it said alcohol & a lettuce frog & im not sure what was goin on & if i should try to learn polish? They were definitely ooc enough that ive got no clue what they could mean. Regretfully i had work at 5 am so i couldnt do much but some friends of mine discord called to ring in the new year together, even for the last of us like me who are in like the last time zone to join the future it was fun. I was also playin elden ring & beat a boss that had been a huge pain for me while on said call.

yeahhhhhh it uh. sucked. but its fine, at least i played a bit of honkai so i hung out with my fav fictional girl. and thankies im gonna try to pull myself together!!! i was also wondering whether or not to buy myself a physical copy of tomie maybe. also righttttt??? especially since, at least here in poland, we didnt have anything even resembling a "christmas spirit". plus im not christian so it didnt hold much value to me anyway. hhhhhm im gonna keep that in mind when i end up watching it!!!!!! i HAVE seen the final episode, it was so good auugjkskfj. sjf. h. i heard a classmate hating on cheesecake today and it was so sad i love it. and yeahhh thats pretty much the Vibe of polishwave pics. but i think theyre great. and tbh? if you do try to learn polish, then im wishing u LUCK + can try to help as much as i can, but at the same time. i wouldnt wish it upon anyone. its such a bullshit language. and ahhh thats sounds very fun!!!!! i was gonna play elden ring but my pc literally has too little memory to even launch it LMAOOOOO

[crazybigredlove]

3rd September 2013

Dear Pete. FFS. He rang. Again. 

"Why are you calling?" I can be a grumpy cow with men who bruise my feelings. "You don't sound very happy to hear from me." "I'm not. Ten days ago you got a new girlfriend so I'm completely baffled as to why you're still calling unless it's to tell me you picked the wrong girl. You haven't told me that yet though so I'm guessing that's not the case. Why are you calling?" 

Inside I feel like I'm being torn in all these different directions. Angry as I am at him, at the same time the idea of him hanging up is making my heart race faster. I have this need to let him know that he's hurt me and it is equally balanced with wanting him to stay on the phone all night, temporarily allowing me to believe he cares about someone other than just himself and his sex drive. 

"Liv, I want to know how you're doing. For fucks sake, I'm just checking you're okay." Wounded by my words his voice is a lower tone than the one I'm used to hearing. "I'm not okay. I'm not even existing in the same realm as okay. Okay and I are polar opposites. Does that help? Is that what you wanted to hear?" 

"This isn't easy for me either." "Well it should be." Acid is dripping from my tongue because it has never felt like this before. No matter what they've done to me or how much I've been hurt, I have never felt such blind hatred towards a man. "You found the love of your life and the two of you are going to sail away into the sunset together. You should be floating in a bubble of love and existing in a cocoon of sweaty sheets and post-sex mess. You should not be calling me. In fact, you shouldn't even think of me. I shouldn't ever cross your mind and the next time you feel like calling, you should remind yourself that no woman is better off with you in their life and hurl your phone off a bridge instead. Or better, yourself." "Liv-" he pleads, but I'm not listening. 

"Oh I'm sorry. Am I upsetting you? Do you not like that since you cheated on me and lied to me I no longer want anything to do with you? Is that a little bit sad for you? Too bad, sunshine. This could've all been avoided if you hadn't decided to use me to make your girlfriend jealous enough to commit to you." 

"It wasn't intentional." "And yet it's exactly how it played out." "Can we talk about something else?" "No. I don't want to talk to you. You hurt me and you have a girlfriend." 

We fought for an hour and a half before, exhausted, we finally hung-up. An hour and a half of us debating why it was he was with her when he was still thinking about me so much. An hour and a half of trying to make sense of his decisions when he doesn't seem to know what it is that he wants. 

Or maybe he does. He wants it all. He's a douche. 

Why would I even answer the phone? Is my life so boring and lacking in meaning that arguing with men is a fun way to pass the time? 

Today was the end though. Not like the last ten times I have said that. We hung up knowing that there was nothing more to say if he wasn't going to breakup with her. The whole time I spat venom and hoped he wouldn't realise how much I wanted him around purely to have someone want me. 

Having never been that girl, I was ashamed of myself. Always I've been the girl who lets them walk away. If they want to go they should go, always free to make their own decisions, but with him... It was awful. It felt like my heart and the world around me was cracking in some way. Which obviously makes no sense as only a month ago I was the one who ended it because he is such bad news and not someone that could ever make me happy anyway. 

Pacing all around the house, I think my feet touched every single square inch of ground in that hour and a half. They couldn't be still because of how fast my heart was racing. Why would my heart race though? It can't have been in love, so what? The thrill of confrontation? The adrenaline kick at knowing if I wanted to I could be the other woman? What? 

Deep down I realise that if he was happy to let me go then that is all the answer a girl ever needs. So why am I still lying here feeling like the world is spinning without me and like there are no logical reasons for why things happen the way they happen? Why do I feel like I lost something? 

I need you now, Pete. I need my best friend to smack some sense into me and explain why it is that I'm suddenly devastated over a guy with stupid tattoos and a childish attitude. There's no need to magically appear in my doorway, but at least email me that if he is meant to be mine he will come back to me. Also, that I'm better than a loser who wants everything. I'm better than the crap decisions I make and the choices that lead to situations like this. Can you tell me that? 

If this was a movie he would think it over, end it with her, and turn up on my doorstep late one night. Life isn't a movie though, is it? As many as I watch and as much as I love them, he's just not coming back. I could watch every romantic comedy a million times over and it wouldn't change this. And it shouldn't. It's exactly how it should be because nothing good could ever come of that. 

Ugh. I need a drink. And affection. Damn my super dorky inability to have casual sex or a friends with benefits arrangement. 

Liv x 

[positivesparkng]

Hey guys, blog number two coming in hot.

Yesterday was Halloween!!!!!! Wow!!!!!!!!!!! It was pretty alright this year! Last year I got all my candy stolen and just kinda wandered around the town I grew up in. This year, I have a girlfriend, so I spent today doing girlfriend stuff instead of boring loser stuff. This year I was dressed as Shinji Ikari from Neon Genesis Evangelion and my girlfriend was Asuka Langley Soryu from the same series. It was pretty cool seeing my favorite characters come to life, especially since she looked really cute in her costume.

My costume was very lame as I didn’t have a plug suit and had to wear his iconic white polo and black dress pants. I really got the short end of the stick because we did NOT have anything to really make my costume work at all. We had used an old shirt from her dad and cut the sleeves short, the pits were stained from years of use and it was kinda noticeable so I was a little bummed. Then I had to wear the same black pants I always wear instead of dress pants, no big deal but def made the costume feel a lot baggier and broken in then I really would have preferred. Then the hair, my hair was red at the time so we dyed it brown/black and let me tell you I do not really like it yet. No fault to my wonderful girlfriend, but I simply just am not used to it. Regardless, I’m going to live with it just fine. She had ordered a Rei Ayanami wig for the white hair clips that come with it so my costume isn’t just completely boring basic clothes.

I really appreciate all the work she put into making my costume work despite hers working so much better, though I often express myself very poorly and I feel as though she doesn’t know just how much a value it, despite my disappointment in how it looked. Of course I’d be bummed that my costume isn’t exactly great, especially when hers looks so amazing, but I do really value everything she did to make us look as cute as possible. I don’t know, I just hope she sees this one day somehow so she knows, I’m going to tell her but yeah, I guess it’d be nice to know I really mean it. I wish I wasn’t so incompetent when it came to doing things on my own, she really did a lot for me, and we had a lot of fun, but I know she wishes I could stop relying on her so much. I really try to do things for her to repay it but she’s so independent and often times it leaves me feeling incompetent or inferior, absolutely a me problem but still, she’s just so great I wish she knew how lucky she is. Luck maybe isn’t the term, though she has more opportunities than me, I’d also wager she’s just talented and more motivated, no fault to her, she’s just really great.

Sorry for the girlfriend tangent, anyways the day started for me at 12 rushing to make it to her field hockey game in New York. Had to hitch a ride with her dad which was exceptionally horrible. I didn’t hate it, but the concept of being in a car with nobody but her dad, me, and her dads friend, was very scary to me. I’m a very pathetic person when it comes to adults and I am even more pathetic when it comes to parents. Long story short, the ride was an hour and a half long and I spoke maybe 15 words. Very bad of me, I should’ve tried harder to talk but I was so exhausted and just really wanted to get some rest in so I could focus on her game. Her dad also had to take a number of business calls during the ride so that made it easier for me.

As I write this I’m realizing just how pathetic I sound, the complete inability to talk to someone I see multiple times a week is just really sad, I need to find a way to improve. Anyway, the game, it was pretty alright at the start but they wound up losing 7-1. Unfortunate loss as it was the last in the season and it determined if they played states and I really like going to her games. I feel good knowing she thinks of me as important enough to attend her games, I always wanted to just be a silent supporter of sorts, it feels really nice. I saw her on the car ride home and we sat in the back seat playing WarioWare and Rhythm Heaven MegaMix on my 3DS. She worried I was upset at her but in complete honesty I was just tired and hate when she sends me Snapchats because I just don’t really like Snapchat. Of course I held no resentment to her for those Snaps I think she was just worried because I wasn’t very emotive. I could really work on that too.

I feel like every time I write about my days with her I find a million things wrong with me. This doesn’t mean our relationship is failing, I actually think it means the opposite. I really do believe she heals and helps me in a way that I never knew before her. I never had very many people close to me so she’s probably the most important person in my life. WHOOPS heavy, calm down buddy you have to talk about the other stuff you guys did. We then got home, went to the school to get her stuff and say bye to the team, went to the store to get my dye, then we spent the next while getting ready and dying my hair. The day didn’t seem very relaxing as everything was a giant rush. We should have dyed my hair another day but we never got around to it and so that added probably an entire unneeded hour of waste to our day. I don’t mind wasted time as long as it’s with her though, so it didn’t really bother me that we were losing time on Halloween, but she seemed a little stressed. I was berating her with questions and requests the entire time we were getting ready because I needed help doing some basic stuff I wish I knew how to do.

She got ready and she looked amazing, I loved her plug suit and her hair worked so well with the costume, she was amazing. We took her little sister out trick or treating and we had a lot of fun being cute and running around. We got a bit of candy but truck or treating was cut short by rain. Sucked because usually I’m out trick or treating until 10 but I actually wound up leaving her house at 9 as per her moms request. It sucks that’s how it had to be because we actually stopped trick or treating at like 7:30. It was super early compared to what I’m used to, didn’t really feel like Halloween without the late curfew.

We drove home with her little sister and met up with my girlfriend’s friends for a second to show off our costumes. Then we went to my Girlfriend’s house, ate, cuddled, and then I had to leave. It was kinda bummer because we didn’t really get to do a lot of the stuff we planned for the last few weeks. We didn’t even get to finish carving my pumpkin :/ but that’s okay. I’m sure I’ll finish it by the time I come down next if it isn’t completely rotted. On the way home she told me she was disappointed because I asked her to do very basic things for her I could or couldn’t do myself and overwhelmed her while she was getting ready. She then told me I wasn’t appreciative of the work she did on my costume or at least she felt that way because I was complaining so much. I felt bad of course because these problems were so avoidable if she just told me, often times I don’t realize I’m relying on her too much or that I’m complaining too much. I usually just try and keep a positive outlook on myself but today I was really self conscious of my hair and really disappointed about my costume, especially compared to hers as I was missing stuff that was really easily remedied if we just planned a little better. I didn’t want to ruin her mood or drag down the day but I was completely unaware until she told me at the very end of the day, which previously in the day she was worried I would do to her. We seem to have a lot of problems communicating and we’re getting better but sometimes we’re running in circles.

Anyways, didn’t mean to talk so much about the negative parts of the day! Halloween was still really great and I still really loved spending time with my girlfriend and her family. I wish we had more time together but it seems no matter how much time I’m with her it’s never enough :,)