#anyway anyone know a job someone with probable ME/long Covid can do asking for me lol

[one-true-houselight]

Lyrics:

Wise

In time

After years of over-thinking

Peace was only war without the fight

I find

That a dream goes a long way And happiness can blind you Even more than pride

One day I will forget everything

But until my time arrives I want to live another day Sometimes I am at war with my own brain

But when all is said and done I want to live another day

Life goes by if there’s joy or not

So take a breath and know that

You just might as well do what you love

Someday I’ll let the wave wash me away

But until my time arrives I want to live another day

I know that there are times when I complain

But when all is said and done I want to live another day

Those days are gone

That haunt you like a spell

So live the new ones

Don’t be afraid...they’ll soon be gone as well

Someday I’ll have to give it all away

But until my time arrives I want to live another day

So much harder to do than just to say

But when all is said and done I want to live another day

Look I know mental health is not good me size fits all in anyway, but. Holy shit. This song is so. Chills! And weeping! Anyway, things have been rough, but I do in fact Want to Live Another Day.

[vinter1sol]

In commemoration of me finally getting a new job and actually getting out of retail hell, I've decided to share some of my favourite moments with customers. Yay.

(For reference, I worked in a garden centre/plant nursery)

I was once called up to the register for this pointless question (that I am sure my college at the counter could have also answered ffs):

Lady: *points to her 8 pink hydrangea* How much soil do we need?

Me: *looks at both the lady and her husband, hoping for a clarification* ...?

Lady & Husband: *stares back*

Me: Are you gonna plant them in the ground..? Or in pots?

Lady: In pots.

There are no pots in sight.

Me: Do you already have the pots?

Lady: Yes.

Me: *positively boiling with frustration, but smiling* And how big are they?

Lady: *she makes a vague gesture as to how wide they are* Like this?

Me: And how tall?

Again a vague gesture.

Lady: Oh, and they're already half filled with soil.

I want to strangle you lady, do you know that? Do see that in my eyes? Can you tell that I hold nothing but contempt for you and your hydrangea? That I wish for nothing more but for all your plants to wither and die?

Me: *smiles in customer service*

Lady: So how much soil do you think we'll need?

...

So I apprenticed the same place that I've been working at, and let me tell you about that one time I got scolded by a rail thin and mean old lesbian.

It's a long one, so settle in.

Let me set the scene for you: it's 2020, covid is raging across the country, the state decides to shut everything down except for the essentials...

And we are still open.

...

We're still open.

Me? I was three (3) months into my apprenticeship. It's going as well as you can imagine it going in the middle of a pandemic.

You can probably guess how busy we were, given that most everyone else had been sent home from work and could only spend time outside in their gardens.

Business was booming.

Thing is, even if covid hadn't happened we'd still be understaffed. And I can blatantly admit that I wasn't a great help when it came to answering questions. But I did my best, and I usually told customers that I was an apprentice. If I really couldn't answer their questions I'd find one of my colleges who could.

Anyway, I'm watering as I get approached by the thinnest, most frail-like, snobby older lady I have ever seen in my life, who then asks me if I can help them (her and her wife) with picking a climber.

I tell them that I would not be the best for that and that I would find someone to help them instead.

No problem there, they'd go down to the climbers and wait there.

Cool. Great. I'm off to find someone, anyone, who can help.

Expect everyone is occupied. As in, they had people standing in small groups and ques around them, and when I go in to the register, my boss (the guy who's supposed to be my supervisor) is also occupied.

It's a bust. I most go help the couple as well as I can.

I find them and tell them the following, "I could unfortunately not find anyone else who could help you, so you'll have to settle for me."

Frail looking lady starts asking her questions, which essentially boils down to her wanting to know which of the clematis and honeysuckle will survive best in a "bad" soil.

Me, not knowing shit about it at the time, look at the little cards we've made with information about the individual varieties to try and figure it out.

They all say the same: needs good, regular garden soil.

Well fuck.

Snobby lady: I can read the signs myself, can't you tell me something else?

Well fuck.

Me: I'm sorry, but they all prefer good soil. There isn't one that likes "bad" soil.

Not good enough, therefore wrong answer.

She asks more questions and I eventually tell her that if her soil really is that bad, then it would be a good idea to dig a bigger hole so she could mix in some soil improver/mulch.

No she does not want to do that, she just wants a plant that can live in the soil she already has.

And she most definitely doesn't want my help anymore.

Guess I'll leave then.

I go back to what I was doing before she came - watering. (Because back then our watering system was broken... still kinda is.)

She and her wife pass me by, up towards the main plaza and the greenhouses (where the register is).

I shit you not when I say that not even five minutes pass by, when I can hear her talking and see her speaking to who else but my boss.

Fuck.

My.

Life.

They pass me by, down towards the climbers.

I hear her asking about me, and the last thing I hear as they walk away is my boss telling her that I'm their apprentice and that I've been there for about three months.

I am watering and freaking the fuck out thinking about what it is she could be telling my boss.

I'm thinking about all the ways it could go wrong for me, when I see my boss, who smiles at me as he walks on past, and the lady and her wife go back up. They've got some plants in their basket.

...

What?

Okay, he must've not seen a problem then? Or he's gonna wait until later?

Some time passes by, and by then I'm completely calm and still watering, when I hear that god awful lady again.

I tell her hello, because I am a polite person.

She immediately starts her spiel.

She tells me how I need to tell people that I'm an apprentice and that I haven't been there for that long, and that I don't know anything.

Good day, she says as she leaves.

I am flabbergasted. Completely blindsided. And still watering.

(And no, my boss never did mention it.)

...

I get to hear, "Do you know anything?", and questions followed up by, in the same fucking breath, "But you probably don't know that. Teehee."

I'm gonna force feed you fucking Monkshood if you don't shut the fuck up Karen I did not spend 3 years of my life on this education just for you think I'm nothing more than a little girl hired to tidy up the space

Just ask your question, full stop, don't add a little cheeky follow up. You're being a bitch, and I now don't want to help you.

...

Why do customers think waiting behind you, as you are working, is a good way to get help? It's not, it's fucking obnoxious. You can come up to me, preferably in my line of sight, and say hello like a normal human being thank you.

...

Also, just, this:

Why are you so bad at describing plants? Please just take a picture or bring some of the plant with you. Please, I am begging.

"Don't you know it? Everyone knows it." Apparently not this bitch, but maybe I would if you weren't so shit at describing it.

Which, I feel like, also leads into the ever famous plant every customer asks about, the ever so evasive plant-that-flowers-always-and-is-evergreen-and-can-stand-full-shade-no-sunlight- and-doesn't-need-any-care-at-all-don't-you-have-that?

Plastic flowers, NEXT!

...

You know how sometimes you just wish customers would google it themselves? Because it really is just that easy and would save us so much time?

Well how about they do that whilst you're talking to them! Fact checking everything you tell them, and not even listening to you! Doesn't that sound fun?

I hate you.

I actively hate you.

(They didn't even find the correct information. Ha.)

...

This only works in my language, but we have a word that means both bad/poorly, as in something is badly/poorly done, and dirt.

So you have a bunch of old men, who think they are the funniest fucking person on the planet, come up to you every time you sweep and say, "Well, you're sweeping poorly (i.e. dirt)."

...

Another thing customers love to say, "Oh? It doesn't have a price on it, then that must means it's free!" Que laugh.

Once told a customer that he didn't have a tag on either, did that mean he was free?

He got real quiet after that.

His friend laughed though.

...

People who ask, first thing, for a discount need to pay extra.

I don't care, that's the rule now.

...

"Where are you hiding the herbs?"

Have you looked right in front of ya? There's even a sign.

"That's not where they were last year."

No, but we needed to give you something to ask about so.

"Why don't you have this anymore?"

Because it's sold out.

"Why?"

Because you keep buying it.

...

...

...

Well... that was cathartic

There's probably so many more that I'm forgetting right now, but eh, if I remember any good ones I might add them though

(If I sound bitter... no I don't)

[rnebbie]

I’m Just A Kid (Request)

Deadpool x teen!reader, Wade Wilson x teen!reader

Request: could you do like a deadpool x teen reader where she has powers and is trying to be a superhero and he finds her after a fight that didn't go too well and just kind of. takes her as some sort of protege. thx in advance

Requested by: anonymous

Warnings: none I don’t think!! (Lmk if I’m incorrect)

(A/n) hey y’all heres a fic brought to u by covid… anyway this is so long idk what happened but I really just do not like it at all! But anyway as I was writing this I was thinking of y/n as a Peter Parker type character and maybe their dynamic with wade is like Peter and Tony :) also I did not proof read this massive fic so if there’s stuff I did wrong that’s why and don’t hesitate to let me know loooll also lmk if u want to be added to my tag list love u guuuyysss

You went from being just an average high schooler to someone capable of doing things you saw on the news. And you didn’t know how to control it.

It was your little secret with yourself. You didn’t let anyone else know because you didn’t know what you’d say to them, and you wouldn’t know how to prove it to them. That would be embarrassing, and a part of you still wanted to live your normal life.

But you couldn’t just live with these powers and pretend like they weren’t there. You did that during the day at school. But when you were alone and you could be yourself, you had to help people.

A part of you was already a hero before you got these powers. Always looking out for others and rooting for the underdog. This was just what you were used to doing and your recently received powers didn’t change your view on life or the value of it, they just changed your ability to help people.

So every day after you were finished with homework and you were free until dinner, you went out and helped the people of your city. Crime rates were high enough and the police in your city is corrupt. So you figured you could help out…

Usually, it was just scaring burglars away from small businesses, or helping an old woman carry her bags back to her car, or finding a lost dog with a collar and turning it in, or occasionally walking near a lone woman to make sure she got back to her car safe without anyone preying on her.

But tonight after you were finished patrolling the city, you decided to stop at your favorite sandwich shop and get something for dinner. You pull off your ski mask with eye holes cut out, your fingerless gloves, your zip-up hoodie, and boots that you bought in 7th grade with ‘I know I’ll have a use for these someday’ in mind. You shove them in your backpack and throw them in the alley next to the sandwich shop.

You walk in and greet the owner who knows you by name. “Hey, y/n.” He smiles at you. You see one man with scars all over his face in the shop at a table in the far corner typing away at something on his computer, but he looks up for a moment when you walk in. You avoid eye contact like the antisocial person you are.

“Hi, how are you doing?” You ask, reaching into your back pocket for cash, as he’s already started making your usual order that you haven’t changed since you were 11.

“Slow day. Glad to see you. How was your day?” He asks.

You sigh and shake your head. “Simple. Had a math test. I aced it.” You smile, and reach into your front pockets to check for your cash, where is it?

“Hey! Good job, y/n. I’m proud of you, kid.” He says. You smile at him in return.

Suddenly you realize your cash must’ve fallen out of your pocket while you were on patrol. Someone roughly pushed you on the ground after you broke up a fight between two people outside of a grocery store. That was probably when.

“Goddamn it.” You mutter and rub your eyes. Now that you think about it, your back hurts from the fall. And you were just really hungry but now you can’t get dinner. “I’m sorry, sir. But I must’ve lost my cash somewhere. I can't pay, so I can't eat. You can put it in your fridge and I’ll buy it next time I’m here if it’s easier for you.” You ramble. You feel terrible, especially because of how often this happens now that you patrol. And how much money you’ve lost that you could’ve used.

The shop owner sighs, “don’t worry about it, you can buy it next time you’re here. You know I’d give it to you but I’ve already given you a few free sandwiches this month and the supplies are starting to not add up to the budget. Sorry, kid.”

You nod. You’re not upset that he won’t give it to you, you’re just embarrassed.

The man in the corner suddenly appears behind you. You get a better look at the scars on his face and try not to wince, but you do step back and tremble slightly at his height and the fact that this random man just appeared out of nowhere.

“How much is it? $6? I’ll pay for it.” He says. You shake your head quickly, “oh, oh no that’s fine. I don’t need it, I'm not even hungry, it's okay.” You assure him. You’re not the type of person to let a random man pay for your food, even if he offers or you’re starving.

“No, I insist. Everyone deserves to eat.” The owner wraps the sandwich in parchment paper and the man hands cash to the owner and grabs the sandwich from his hands and hands it to you.

You blink and slowly reach to take it from his hands, “thank you, Mr,”

“Wilson. Wade Wilson. Call me Wade, don’t call me Mr. Wilson. I’m not a teacher.” He rambles. You stare up at him confused but nod when you’re sure he’s done.

“Thank you.” You say again. He nods and walks back to his table. You smile at the owner before walking out of the door to grab your backpack from the alleyway next to the shop and walk home.

You unwrap your sandwich and start to eat it while walking home. The sun has set and it’s rather dark, the only source of light is that of the light illuminating from the lamp posts.

As you go to take a bite from your sandwich, someone from behind you shoves you forward and you nearly fall flat on the pavement in front of you. But they grab your shirt from behind and yank you up. You turn around to look at them and notice him as the person who you stopped from fighting someone else outside of the grocery store earlier. He did push you, after all. You wouldn’t be surprised if he’d been following you for the rest of the day, waiting for the right moment to attack you.

He grabs you by the collar of your shirt and you feel like you’re being bullied, like the streets around you might as well be lockers in your high school hallway. “Stupid kid, I hit that person outside the store cause they hit me first. I never lose a fight. Ever. And you fucked up my tally!” He says. He goes to punch you, but your instinct is to duck, and because of that, he misses and punches the air. You come back up and hit him in the face, “there are two sides to every story.” You say, before opening your backpack to put your mask on, just in case anyone walks by, you wouldn’t want your identity to be revealed.

He tries to fight you for a minute or two, confused as to why a teenager can fight as well as you can. Your goal isn’t to fight or beat people up, it’s to help those in need. But you figure it’s needed as of now, and you defend yourself.

Unexpectedly, as you prepare for a hit to the face, the man knees you in the stomach and knocks the wind out of you. You cough and fall to the ground. “That’s fucked.” You say, Trying to catch your breath.

“You’re fucked.” The man says and kicks your side. At this point, you’re too tired. You’ve already been fighting him for like two minutes and the man knocked you on the ground earlier. You already went through school and did all your homework in your comfy bed before coming out and doing so much work. Not to mention you went to bed late last night because of homework and woke up for school at 6:00. You’re not built for this, so you consider just letting this man kick you and beat you up till he’s satisfied so you can at least lay on the ground and not have to fight back.

As you’re letting him kick you over and over again, Wade from the sandwich shop suddenly appears behind the man as he appeared behind you earlier. Except he looks ready to fight. And he does. He fucks your assaulter up.

You take a few deep breaths as Wade is punching the guy like a madman and stand up, stumbling a little at the toll this guy took on your body. But you’ll be fine.

You watch wade simply beat this guy up and figure it’s going nowhere. While watching the two of them go at it in all your exhaustion you yawn and ball your fists. Out of your hands, you cause a plasma blast to shoot towards the man’s face, nearly blinding him. He’s passed out, Though.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry,” you drop your hero gig, and your natural human instincts of empathy kick in. You run towards him to make sure you didn’t blind him.

You bend down to the man Wade was just beating up, but Wade stands above you. You don’t know what his expression is or what he’s thinking cause you’re too worried you just killed this man. But then you hear his voice come from above you, “Bro you just lasered that guy in the eye, how did you do that?” He asks.

“I don’t know! I didn’t know I could!” You ramble on, scared he’s gonna turn you in to the police.

“Who are you?” He asks, you look up at him.

You wait for some heroic sentence to come out of your mouth, but at the end of the day, you’re still just you. “Uhh, y/n?”

He scoffs. “You’re just a kid…” he says as you pull your ski mask off, you stand up, ignoring the man unconscious on the ground.

“I’m a teenager, actually. Please don’t tell the cops or the sandwich shop owner. I have a good bond with him.” You beg him with wide eyes.

“I wasn’t planning on it, but we better get out of here before he wakes up and remembers.” Wade says, grabbing your hand to lead you away.

“No! I’m sorry. But I have to go home…” you say as he tries to pull you away from the opposite direction of home.

“Wha- you have to go home? What is so much more important at your home than the task at hand right now?” He asks with an angry but joking tone.

You’re silent for a second, your face heats up because you’re not lying and it’s a little embarrassing as you just tried to prove that you’re not just a kid, “I have school in the morning.” You say truthfully.

Wade stares at you like you just said something utterly shocking, and he looks very amused. “Even after I bought you your dinner?” He says, slightly smiling. But you felt guilty about that and don’t find it funny.

You scoff, “I’ll pay you back every penny of the $6, asshole.” you look at your watch and realize it’s 30 minutes till your bedtime, and your mom's gonna flip out.

“Dude I have to go home. If you want to talk about it so you don’t turn me in to the police, great. I’ll give you my number.” You grab your backpack off your shoulders to tear a piece of notebook out and write your number and hand it to him. He hasn’t said anything.

“Don’t call before 8:00 or after 9:00. And don’t call in the morning either, if you want to speak to me. I don’t have a cellphone, it’s the landline. And my mom doesn’t know so if she answers just hang up. Or else I’ll get grounded.”

He bursts into laughter and you narrow your eyes, finding it kinda rude. “Bye.” You say and turn around to run back to your house. He doesn’t follow you.

-

The next day around 3:00 while your mom is still at work and you're standing in the kitchen of your apartment looking for something to eat, the phone rings. “Y/l/n residence, this is y/n speaking, how may I help you?” You say after you pick up the phone.

On the other line, you hear laughter. “You answer the phone like that?” The voice says, which you recognize as wade. You’ve honestly forgotten about last night since you once again aced a test today.

“Oh my god. What? What do you want?” You say, annoyed because it’s like he laughs at everything you do. It’s like he’s trying to prove that you’re just a dumb kid, but he’s calling you for some reason, so it doesn’t make sense to you.

“Woah, be careful what you say, I’m the only reason you’re not in juvy right now.” He answers. You roll your eyes even though you know he can’t see.

“I’m a little busy at the moment, what do you need?” You say, as you put a cup of noodles in the microwave and press the start button.

You can tell he tries not to laugh, “Yeah, sounds like it. I need your help in all of your superpower glory.” He goes on about this bad guy who he needs help defeating, even though you wonder why there’s not a better recruit to help him over a teenager.

“Me? Why me? I don’t even know what I can do. The thing you saw last night, with the lasers and stuff, that’s the first time I’ve done that and I don’t know if I’ll be able to do it again.” You say honestly, sitting on the counter.

“This city doesn’t have an overwhelming amount of superheroes to choose from. You deal with what you get, and I could really use your help. You know, just crack a few skulls, stop a few guys…” he trails off.

“What!? I can’t just kill people, wade!” You furrow your brows angrily out of instinct. You know he can’t see but you wish he could. You’re good at acting angry, it’s probably the hormones.

“I didn’t ask you to kill them! I’m just asking you to… you know, fuck them up like you usually do.” He quickly says, but you think it’s just out of defiance and he just wants your help whatever that may take.

“Wade, I’m not as powerful as you saw last night. I’m worried about that guy, what if I really hurt him?” You say sadly, your eyes water up and you’re glad he’s not there in person to see because that would be embarrassing. But you take the privilege of you being home alone and let yourself feel whatever emotions are necessary.

Wade sighs, probably upset that this phone call seems to have turned into a therapy session, “You know what vigilantes do?” He asks.

You scoff, “Wade, I’m not a vigilante.” You say.

“I’m not saying you're a vigilante, damn, let me finish!” He angrily says over the phone. You widen your eyes, “fine.”

He starts again, “Vigilantes do what needs to be done to bad people for the sake of good people. If you had to kill one bad person to save 100, would you?” He asks.

You shake your head and take a few seconds to answer. “I don’t kill people. That’s wrong, I’m not… I’m not a cop. I’m not a murderer, and I’m sure as hell not a vigilante. I’m just a kid.” You clarify sadly.

Wade scoffs, “A badass kid with superhero powers, but okay. I’ll let you go.” He says and you can hear him getting ready to hang up, but you can’t just leave him hanging.

“Wait, wade,” you close your eyes and hope you’re not making the wrong decision.

“I’m listening,” he says.

“I'll need your help learning how to fight.” You say.

-

For the past few weeks, you’ve been training with wade. You’ve learned how to fight better, and you’ve even beat him in half your training matches. But he assures you it’s only because he ‘let you win’.

You’ve learned more of what your powers are and what you’re capable of, but you’re still not entirely sure since you just keep finding more and more things you can do. But you’ve learned enough about yourself to navigate your powers and to win in a fight to pretty much anyone. That’s why Wade has stopped fighting you one on one, even if he tries to convince you it’s because it’s ‘too easy for him’.

He’s introduced you to more people you two would be fighting with when you fight with this big bad boss guy. You’re much more powerful than everyone else, but you’re not one to boast.

When the day of the fight comes, it’s getting closer to the fight. And as you're walking to the place you’re going to supposedly be battling, you confide in wade.

“You know, I’ve never done this before. This isn’t me. I don’t know if I’m cut out for this. Maybe I should sit this one out.” You say as the two of you are setting up booby traps.

“What? Y/n you’re the more powerful one here, except for me of course. We need you.” He says, looking over at you.

“Well, I just hope I don’t mess the entire battle up. What if I ruin it for everyone else? Not everyone is like, immortal or whatever you are.” You say, your mind drifting to all the worst possibilities you can imagine.

“You’ve been practicing. I wouldn’t ask you to help if I thought you were gonna mess it up, I wouldn’t send a kid on a suicide mission. This’ll be easy for you.” He says.

You smile and nod, choosing to believe him.

The fight is so easy, while fighting something awakens in you that’s even more powerful than what you’ve seen before. You fight with ease.

But you take a minute too long and when you go to attack the enemy, they attack you first and you go tumbling to the ground. You don’t know how long it is but Wade fights right by your unconscious body and after a little while he defeats who he was going for and he bends down to focus on you.

“Y/n! Are you okay? Can you hear me?” He asks, you open your eyes and regain consciousness.

“I’m fine, I’m okay… my ribs really hurt, wade…” you say quietly.

“I know, I know. I called an ambulance and they're on the way.” He says, helping you sit up.

“Okay. Alright,” you say, holding your ribs.

“You took a hard fall, but you did it. You beat them. I couldn’t have done it without you, y/n. You did great. Thank you.” He says, you smile slightly, feeling proud of yourself and your team, especially Wade for helping you so much.

“Yeah yeah, well I learn from the best,” You smile. “Are you okay?” You ask him.

Wade chuckles, “yeah, I can’t die, remember?”

You both laugh and soon the ambulance comes to pick you up. Minor injuries, you’re fine.

-

A few days after the fight when you’re nearly recovering you two meet in the park to go over everything that happened. Wade thanks you and you thank him and you guys plan to spend more time together so he can continue to train you.

“Thank you for helping me figure everything out. I’m glad I got to fight with you. It was exhilarating.” You say.

“I’m glad you fought with me, too. I would’ve lost if it wasn’t for you.” He says.

“Well, at least you wouldn’t have died. How are your ribs, by the way? You jokingly ask him, and he chuckles.

“My mom keeps asking where I’m going, I told her I started taking violin lessons again,” You start, but the thought makes Wade start to chuckle. “Don’t,” You say, and scowl at him.

“Don’t tell my mom. She’ll freak out if she finds out I'm some sort of superhero.” You ask him. He nods.

“I won’t. But hey, you’ve gotta teach me some violin facts if that’s the cover we’re using. You can't just let that information go to waste.” He jokes and gets up to leave the park.

You laugh lightly and also stand up to part ways. “Yeah, you train me, and in return, I’ll teach you a few songs on the violin.” You tell him.

When he starts to walk away you forget you brought something for him and call after him, “wait, wade!” You say and run after him.

He turns around, “what’s up?” He looks down at you and you reach into your pocket.

You hand him some crumpled dollar bills. “Here’s my $6 for the sandwich, by the way.”

-

Taglist: @ohworm-writes @spidyyparker (lmk if u wanna be added :)

[mingkily]

｡☆✼★━ my baby, my home | p.sh ━★✼☆｡

navigation

starring: seonghwa x reader

fsk-0: fluff | mentions of covid, online uni and social distancing

volume: 1.5k words

vip access: @treasure-hwa & @barsformars & @midnightseonghwa & @multidreams-and-desires & @yunhoiseyecandy

“drink some more, you sound like a toad”, a loving little jab that made you roll your eyes but do as he said, because you were croaking a little; but he loved you anyway, even when you sounded like a toad. would love you if you had no voice at all, too.

sometimes you felt like seonghwa was a chronic mum friend, unable to stop pampering people even when they didn’t need it; possibly a side effect of living with seven other men of which at least five were more like boys, despite each being a legal adult. and sometimes, that was annoying you a little, because you didn’t need to be treated like a child and it did feel a little condescending at times.

today, however, was not such a sometimes.

you were crying into his chest, frustrated because this stupid pandemic had made it impossible to have a normal life, and while you’d grown somewhat used to it your studies had started, something you’d been excited for until the very first course was online already, making it impossible to get to know new people, and that was one of the things you’d been most excited for. and it felt so stupid, being upset over this when there were bigger problems - like people dying, for example -, but it just felt like the biggest problem in the world right now. it was the biggest problem in your world.

“it’s just so bad, hwa”, you sniffled, “all i see is blank screens and names that don’t tell me anything, and the teachers talk about random campus things as if any of us had had a chance to go there for more than five minutes, and it just makes me sad”, complaints that felt so childish, but he didn’t think any worse of you for it. he had a job, had chosen not to study, and even for him it was hard not seeing the usual people. and people still came in, just less frequently. he still had company. he couldn’t imagine how it was for you, sitting home all day staring at a screen in the empty apartment while he was at work. he could understand why you felt lonely, really.

“i get that, baby. i can’t say anything to make it better, either. but i’m here, and you can cry as long as you need to. or, tomorrow i’ll have to go to work, but if you need me i can call in sick. can’t possibly leave my baby alone when she’s sad.”

he was too great to comprehend, rubbing your back soothingly while you covered his favourite shirt in tears and snot, patient and warm and you almost told him to take the day off and just cuddle you, but you stopped yourself before you could do that. you felt pathetic, yes, but not that pathetic.

“i love you, hwa”, you hiccoughed, “and you smell really warm.”

“i smell warm?”, a little confused, but happy about the compliment nonetheless - if it was a compliment and not you trying to tell him that he was sweaty, which might very much be.

“yeah. like home.”

that was without a doubt a compliment, and seonghwa smiled against your hair.

“maybe that’s because we’re home, baby”, the reminder of sharing a home with him making both your hearts beat the tiniest bit faster. neither of you had expected this would be where you’d be when little freshman you had fallen in love with him, a senior because he’d skipped a class, and transferring from an all boys school to your mixed gender high school because his family had moved. but here you were, in his arm and in your common flat, living together and him comforting you through the crisis you had about having to start university during covid.

“maybe”, his comment having succeeded in making you smile, even though he couldn’t see it yet, “or maybe it’s because i love you.”

“i love you too. my baby. my home.”

together with his gentle movements on your back and the barely there rocking back and forth you did feel a little like a baby, but not in a bad way. you appreciated it, in this moment, appreciated feeling like someone was taking care of you. you liked not having to take care of yourself in this moment, having him there to take care of you when you were sad and honestly didn’t feel like you could do much other than cry. it was incredibly comforting to be pampered, wrapped in his arms and a soft blanket and him now asking if you wanted hot lemon water. you weren’t sick, but your throat probably hurt from sobbing so much, and he was always so mindful and so sweet.

“please”, you croaked out, though you didn’t really want to let go of him, in a little bit of a conflict because you knew you’d have to let him go if you wanted the water, but you also didn’t want to let go ever, especially if you didn’t actually have to.

but the desire for hot lemon water won, especially knowing he’d hold you again while you drank it anyway, so you moved off his lap, sat on the bed and kissed his cheek softly and shortly before he went to the kitchen, ready to pamper his baby some more.

“here. hot water with lemon. but be careful, it’s really hot”, your boyfriend told you a few minutes later, in the living room now because you’d missed him and had moved to the couch to at least be able to watch him while he prepared the drink for you.

“thank you, hwa”, leaving the cup on the table as you wrapped your hands around his neck instead to kiss him, your face snot-free now because you’d cleaned yourself up on the way since you passed the bathroom anyway and felt gross.

“you’re welcome”, seonghwa mumbled against you once you broke the kiss, smiling because it did seem like you were feeling better now, “how are you?”

he still wanted to make sure, of course he did.

“i’m better. but it’s still just… hard. i don’t know what to do. i don’t know how to meet people. and i feel a little lonely because it feels like i only have you and the boys, which is great, don’t get me wrong, but they’re your friends most of all, and i know it’s not how it is but i always feel like i’m intruding a little.”

“i understand”, he murmured against your hair, having pulled you against him again, into his chest with your face near his neck, “as you said, you’re never intruding, they all adore you almost as much as me, but i get it. you want your own friends. don’t want to always be stuck hanging out with me and my friends or being all by yourself. yes, i know you’re not stuck with me and you like it and you love me”, chuckling defensively when you raised your head and were about to protest, “it’s just that having a group of people for yourself would also be nice. i get it, don’t worry.”

he was way too perfect to be real, but you enjoyed this dream while it lasted. enjoyed being with seonghwa as long as you could. and were now going to enjoy the hot lemon water, prepared with lots of love and the water kettle that your boyfriend refused to get rid of and just the right amount of lemon.

“thank you, hwa”, not sure whether it was for the water or his words or both - probably both, “i love you.”

“i love you too. but baby?”, suddenly having an idea that might help and might get you some friends of your own, telling you once you hummed in acknowledgment, “how about you ask the teacher if you could suggest something like a book club or a study group or something? you could do it online, and then in really small groups offline once you know each other. social distancing and all, of course, but i think that might be better than having no one to talk to at all. and a study group would be useful, too, especially now in the beginning.”

that was a great idea, actually, one you hadn’t thought of because everything had felt so hopeless now that university had started and you hadn’t even seen anyone’s faces yet, and you rewarded him for it by setting down the mug and kissing him again, covering his face in hot, slightly wet kisses, the hot water he’d made you having heated up your lips enough for him to feel, and it was a nice feeling. warm and cosy, in a way.

“that’s such a good idea, you’re so smart! you should be in uni, not me!”, you praised him, eyes bright and face lit up by the smile he loved so much.

“you know you’re just as smart. now drink some more, you sound like a toad”, a loving little jab that made you roll your eyes but do as he said, because you were croaking a little; but he loved you anyway, even when you sounded like a toad. would love you if you had no voice at all, too.

and how could he not? you were his baby. you were his home.

[robinruns]

An update on where I’ve been. This post is gonna be long, and emotional, and I fully understand if you want to just scroll on.

Some background because at this point I cannot remember what exactly I’ve posted here and what I haven’t. My Dad had been struggling with shortness of breath just not getting better. He had had a cardiology appointment at the end of March and they had said everything was okay. He saw the PA at his cardiologists and they were concerned about swollen lymph nodes so they made an appointment for a biopsy. Cut to Monday the 12th. My Dad’s feeling worse so his doctor has him admitted. Ugh I’m tired of writing this, I’m gonna cut it short. This Monday he got moved to the ICU. On Tuesday morning, I got the call that the doctor wants to meet with all of us. Fuck.

Basically it was colon cancer, undetected probably because it came up after his last colonoscopy and he was due to have one in December, but covid so. But there probably wouldn’t have been able to do anything about it anyway by then. Something something (I couldn’t listen that much) it spread and for some reason it led to his heart having to pump harder to get the blood moving and get it oxygenated and well basically heart failure that was basically inevitable and due to happen anytime.

We had a good afternoon with him talking and I said everything I wanted to say and I heard everything I needed to hear. We went home, ate dinner, and I went to bed around 10. I had barely slept like half an hour when my mom woke me up and said we had to go back to the hospital. I couldn’t really be in the room, I didn’t wanna remember him like that, but he was so out of it I don’t think it mattered. I talked with the chaplain, who was a very nice older lady who used to work up in the town where I live now. Around 2 AM I was exhausted and my mom said why don’t you just go home. So I went home, got back to sleep and she called about 5:20ish to say he’d passed just after 5 AM. It immediately struck me because he always got going that early. When I got in the car, I left the radio on a different station than I normally listen to, and Let It Be by the Beatles was playing. It felt appropriate for the moment. I went down and picked up my mom. It very quickly became evident how the next few days, weeks, months, are going to be. 

A bit of background for this next part. My dad was the sole earner for the family and my mom stopped working when I was born (sorry for existing I guess?). The problem is that my mom is also basically a compulsive shopper and if I’m being honest, on her way to becoming a hoarder, although to be fair, she has been cleaning lately which is good.

But the problem is they didn’t have a lot of money in savings. There’s two life insurance policies, and social security coming in, but now not as much social security. My mom’s reeling because now she’s going to actually have to have a budget. She’s going to have to cut back on things. I just spent so long trying to convince her to drop her home phone line because it’s pointless, but she “doesn’t want to change her contact information with the banks and stuff” and “it’s too many more steps to check her voicemail on her phone” versus the home phone. I get being apprehensive of change, but FUCK it makes me so mad. I try to have patience, but it’s wearing thinner and thinner.

This sounds mean, but it’s honest: When I started growing up and kinda realized how things really were with my family financially, I realized that I don’t want to be like her. People talk about their mom being their best friend, or their hero and I’m just sitting here like I can't relate. She got money from when her mom passed four years ago, and she has that in an account where her social security also gets deposited, and she told me today that she’s “proud of that money because it’s her money.” How is that “her money”? She didn’t earn that! Oh my god. How do you not see this coming? I know no one wants to think about the loss of a spouse or the loss of income, but you have to. You have to think about the bad shit to properly prepare for it! And now she also can’t afford to get hearing aids that she desperately needs, and she basically refuses to learn anything with technology and gets easily frustrated so she’s never gonna be able to get a job! Fuck, I just saw a commercial for one of those life alert things, I should get her that. 

I just see this all coming back to me. I bought dinner tonight, and we’ll probably add her to my phone plan to save money. All day I’ve had to keep her on track. If it wasn’t for me she would have been late to everything today. I feel like I have to be kinda mean, telling her that she’s just gonna have to suck it up and deal with the change, and I mean I get that she’s freaking out and overwhelmed, but fuck I’m feeling it too ya know! It’s exhausting having to talk someone down from the proverbial edge all the time!

On that note, I really appreciate all the people who have been there for me over the last few days. I really appreciate the check ins, the cute photos, the videos, all that stuff. I sorta liked feeling disconnected from social media this week. I’m slowly getting the word out, but I really don’t want a ton of attention from this, ya know? (maybe this should have been the first paragraph, I doubt anyone read this far down) I feel like everyone who has  I know my self care has been non-existent the last few days. My sleep schedule is WAY off, I don’t really know what day it is, I’m not drinking enough water, my eating has been, well, strange. Eating lots some days, next to nothing other days. That’s the same way my emotions have been. Sometimes fine, sometimes sad, sometimes mad. But when I went for a run yesterday, I felt connected to him, like as I ran, in my head I was like “Hey Dad, so the Brewers have been doing good the last few nights!” that sorta thing. I asked is there something I can see and be like there he is, and he said a bald eagle, which is great because my town has a lot of them.

I should probably edit this, but I’m tired and I don’t wanna re-read it. I’m just glad I got everything out in one post.

[zaptap]

i should really be making a post about this so here we go

my problem right now is i really need to move out but have absolutely no idea how to go about doing it, i have no self-confidence and i haven’t talked to most of my irl friends in a really really long time so i don’t have anyone i could be roommates with.

also i’m terrible at getting myself out of bed since i always feel the most depressed when i first wake up so my mom pretty much has to make sure i get up every day (we’ve had the moving out conversation before and she doesn’t think i’m ready because of stuff like this). how the hell do i hold a job without having to depend on someone for that. why do i have to depend on her for that why can’t i just do it myself. though having roommates you can depend on for certain things (probably not that) is unavoidable, since for one thing if i get a Bad Migraine i potentially can’t even call in to work because i often can’t speak coherently (my brain knows what to say but can’t get my mouth to form the right sounds, it’s freaky). my mom had to call in for me last october and i’d imagine if i had a roommate i’d need someone i can rely on to do that for me

so i’ve been ignoring this moving out thing for a while (since it’s very stressful so my instinct is to just ignore it! hey!), and i’ve also known for a while that my mom and stepdad really want to move to idaho (because it’s “too liberal” in oregon or whatever) but lately they’ve gotten more serious about it and they’re talking to real estate people and it seems like it’s going to actually happen sometime mid/late this year maybe???

and so i’m trans and i probably want to transition? but since i want to move out of this conservative mormon household anyway i’ve always viewed that as the first step since my mom has too much power over my life for me to be comfortable coming out to her first (not that i’d have to come out right away, but since i want to move out anyway, i might as well focus on that first. if i got on hrt it would just create a ticking clock situation anyway). and if i end up getting dragged off to idaho that’s just going to make things harder because it’s more conservative over there (they want to go there for the exact reason i don’t)

currently only in contact with one irl friend, she’s also trans (she came out and started transitioning a few years ago, i came out to her a while back but we’ve only texted a little since then). she got married like a year ago and lives with her spouse, idk if she’d be able to help, and if i’d kept up the conversation when i asked for moving out advice almost a year ago (as i implied earlier i am really good at distracting myself from things that stress me out) but i did text her recently and she wants to hang out sometime so if we can manage that (we work on each other’s days off lmao) maybe she’ll be able to help me idk. i also have another friend i haven’t talked to since 2015 who might be still around so i could give him a try

honestly when i write it out it doesn’t sound as hopeless i guess. but it still really stresses me out. the other thing is i’d really like to find a different job than this cashier one i’ve had for almost 5 years, for one thing i think i’d like something a bit less public facing if i were to start transitioning (just having to be around coworkers would probably be easier to handle than having to be around coworkers plus interacting with hundreds of strangers, idk), for another thing retail sucks ass and i want out. between my dad’s and stepdad’s deaths alone i have enough in savings to last a bit without a job probably, but then there’s insurance? my job gives me pretty good insurance (afaik?) currently and i only work 3 days a week to get it. thanks union

i think i have a certificate in multimedia right now, seems like that’s something they retroactively gave me since they emailed me that i’d earned it long after i took the classes necessary for it. i put college on hold when covid started since i’ve had trouble keeping up with online classes, i only need like 7 more for the full degree but they’re just about all ones i’ve had trouble with and dropped in the past so uhhhhh. also i failed the past few classes i took (one because i thought i withdrew from it but it apparently didn’t go through, one because the teacher literally didn’t grade any of my work and didn’t answer my email about it, and one because i overthought the first assignment that all the other assignments build upon and didn’t finish that one in time to catch up with everything) so now i have to meet with an advisor before i can sign up for more classes lol

but with multimedia jobs apparently your portfolio is more important so i could get by without the degree potentially. except i don’t have too much in my portfolio since i’ve spent a lot of years too depressed to make anything and now it’s all way out of habit. there’s a variety of stuff i’ve had experience doing though. photoshop, pixel art, vector art, some video editing, a little bit of animation, some 3d modeling, probably more things i can’t think of now (also i bought ableton since their online music creation tutorial thing was super fun and i wanted to try that out more, but i haven’t gotten around to it). i should just start messing around in those programs and build a portfolio that way i guess. that’s probably the most important thing for me to be doing right now. though that’s also something i’ve known for a while and don’t do anything about. lmao

[tepidtrashpile]

covering taeyong’s parts

I am HEATED.

tldr: i don’t usually do stuff like this but i’m highly caffeinated and have nothing better to do so prepare for a (very convoluted and long) rant cause omg im so fucking mad. 

so for those of you who don’t know, nct 2020 had a resonance vlive/concert last night (dec 26/27) and taeyong and jisung were unable to perform due to a back injury (herniated disk) and knee injury respectively.

I’ll mainly be talking about taeyong in this just due to his extrEmely large presence within NCT and also jisung was there to vocally cover his parts.

(also not to take anything away from jisung, however in the sheer amount of screentime and tracks ty is in, him missing is much harder to disguise within a performance with or without vocals) 

in order these are the members that covered ty’s parts in each song (tbh i may be forgetting some, but the point is look at how hard they had to work to even fill ty’s dance position within the concert, the boy is in like 50% of their performed tracks)

nct u - boss - sungchan

nct u - the 7th sense - shotaro 

nct u - light bulb - yangyang

nct 127 - touch - haechan (first part), johnny (iconic ty and mork), yuta (pulls up in the chorus to fill in ty part to the stage right of jh) 

nct u - make a wish - jeno (first part), jaemin (basically rest of the song)

nct 127 - kick it - mark (usually the center parts), jaehyun (first rap), yuta (end dance break), johnny (mark stepped on him rip lol)

nct u - misfit - johnny (start), sungchan (end)

nct 2020 - resonance - jeno / jaemin (?) - dude idk im having trouble keeping up at this point

// I want to make it very clear that NCT would not be where it is without taeyong. I’m not suggesting that he is replaceable in any way, shape or form. however as a person with two parents in the performance industry - and im sure that many of u understand just from general life experience -- the show mUst go on. when you have a presence as large as ty missing, it is undoubtedly going to take a toll on the overall energy and performance but i personally think that the boys fucking killed it -- especially with such a short turnaround from learning that ty would not be performing. (jaemin said that jeno legit had one HOUR to practice the beginning of maw (and by proxy the beginning of resonance) and that amount of talent and skill is unfuckingbelievable) but I digress. 

// there is nothing wrong with being disappointed that taeyong cannot perform. (get well soon ty!) he is an incredible performer and human being. there is nothing wrong with seeing (and understanding) that another member filling ty’s part is going to FEEL different, even if they do a phenomenal job. there is nothing wrong with feeling the difference in energy and performance -- there is obviously ANOTHER PERSON doing the part that we are accustomed to. there is nothing wrong with having a conversation and discourse about the performance. however... there IS something wrong with putting down members and harshly criticizing their performance in a malicious way. constructive criticism is one thing, but a lot (not all but an overwhelming amount) of what I have seen in the comments and the little bit of twitter i have been on has just been bashing members (one in particular) about their performance. 

//

// let me get the easy part out of the way here. jaemin and jeno killed it during maw. yuta’s dance break, mark’s center time, jaehyun covering ty’s rap, and johnny stepping up to get stepped on (hehe i’ll stop now don’t mind me) were all surprisingly refreshing. yangyang covering lightbulb was (imo) one of highlights of the concert. for a rapper who often doesn’t get the recognition that he deserves he did a PHENOMENAL job covering the entirety of ty’s parts in his own way and conveying his emotions. yes, the members weren’t the same as taeyong, however, they added their own twist and their own personalities to it. it is in fact BETTER to do this and be remembered for their own style than attempt to emulate someone else’s performance. it is the sign of a great artist to take something and make it your own. 

// now, onto the two newest members. i will be candid about this. the biggest difference I felt within the performance was when sungchan and shotaro were covering ty’s parts. tbh this is to be expected (?). i’m not trying to put down the boys but the reality is that they debuted 2-3 MONTHS ago? all of the other members covering ty’s parts have had significantly more experience in every aspect of performing. jaemin and jeno may be about the same age as chan and shotaro but they have upwards of 4 years more experience (debuted anyway, and anyone can tell u that practicing vs the real thing can be a very daunting change) than the other two. the other members have performed in front of a live crowd, they have had time to deal with criticism and learn from it. they are just in every way more experienced, and although we expect great things out of all the members, it is simply unrealistic to expect the same level of performance out of members with 2 years less experience than anyone else on the stage. 

aneway...

shotaro covered one of the hardest parts in nct history - taeyong’s 7th sense. in every way - the rap, the technicality of the dance, the sheer charisma ty brings - this was a daunting task. him being a rookie DID show in the performance. this isn’t a bad thing. the tone of his rap did sometimes lack nuance and the level of sophistication that we know taeyong to have. however, i do think shotaro was the right choice for this song. you have to give rookies experience for them to grow, and a concert like this (even without a live crowd) is a great time to do it. (i’ll get into logistics later but bear with me)

the sad reality is that we’re probably not going to have large in person concerts for at least the next year and it will be a long time til travel, concerts, and simply life return to what they were before covid. it will be a very long til the boys get to perform on a stage with the energy of a crowd in the same way they have up til now. 

now sungchan. my poor bb sungchan :(

sungchan covered ty’s part is boss (and a little bit in misfit but johnny covered the first part and its more of a hype rap song than one with designated dance moves and centre parts). the dance (in boss) may not be the most technical but this is an unfORGETTABLE song when it comes to taeyong’s part. the beginning “nct leggo?” *chefs kiss*. from what i’ve seen sungchan is the one receiving  the most criticism (read hate) about his performance. look, i’m not going to argue that out of all the members who filled ty’s part he was the weakest. (im not trying to hate, but imo his performance was the weakest, u can disagree with me). he definitely less comfortable with covering taeyong’s part than anyone else was - including shotaro. i think most of the criticism is coming from the fact that he just looked anxious and unable to throw himself into the choreo and when comparing him to taeyong (who again just -- idk he’s unexplainable) his performance does fall a little flat. imo the rap was okay, his tone is actually somewhat similar to ty. i really think that most of the hate is stemming from the execution of the choreo rather than the rap. HOWEVER... calling him “stiff as a board” and commenting “cap” emojis does absolutely nothing except spread unnecessary hate. sungchans position is NOT as a dancer. he is only listed as a rapper. shotaro, however, is listed as both a dancer and a rapper. not to say that these listings are the end all be all of a member’s position, but because they are so new they are a decent representation of what SM thought their strengths were. we would love our idols to be aces at everything, but they are human and humans have their strengths and weaknesses. compared to taeyong, and also shotaro, sungchan does not have the technical ability nor the confidence while dancing. I’d like to believe that anyone who analyzes their performances and takes an objective view can understand where i am coming from. 

tldr: you are placing unrealistic expectations on a rookie who’s main position is NOT main dancer. you are asking him to fill the shoes of arguably one of the most charismatic and talented rappers, leaders, and centers of 4th gen kpop... as a ROOKIE. his performance is most likely going to show cracks of being relatively new to the stage. its okay to acknowledge that, but don’t be fucking rude when discussing his performance. 

// the amount of posts i’ve seen calling sungchan “untalented” “stiff as a board” just im so fucking over it. yes, his performance had its weaknesses but name-calling and just straight up hate does nothing to help a performer and just ruins everyone’s mental. you can bet your ass that every single one of these boys has worked their ass off, given up unimaginable things, and faced challenges to get where they are today. not to mention that (in particular the case of sungchan and shotaro) these boys are young. the other youngest/newest members have had about 2 years (yangyang, xiaojun, hendery) to become accustomed to the criticism and also hatred that comes with being in the spotlight. sungchan is less than a MONTH older than me. shotaro is just a year older than me. my best friend is legit older than both of these boys. idk your age but think about yourself at their age, or where u think you’ll be at their age. they have accomplished SO much and are so young. they’re 19 and 20 and in an internationally recognized band. we know that a lot of these boys (and idols) do read our comments. i don’t care how much media training you’ve received, how strong your mental is, getting called untalented and being hated on is going to take a toll on your mental. along with that, what is the NEED? to spread hate? to show that “huhu, im such a big deal that all these people are responding to me”. like, legit wtf do u gain from this? 

// when you are a performer you do open yourself up to criticism, it is part of the job. but criticism and hate are two very different things. to get where nct is today, every single member has to be humble enough to accept guidance AND constructive criticism. we all know how much the boys value nctizens opinions and take them into account when performing. when you are a performer like that you also have to criticize your own work. no matter what profession you are in, no matter what you do, you analyze ur own work and attempt to make it better. i can all but assure u that shotaro and sungchan (and all the boys) know their strengths and weaknesses, know when a specific move, performance, or other area of their ability is not up to par (or they just want to improve which is imperative to success in the music industry)

just be a decent human being. put urself in all of the boy’s shoes and think “hmm how would i feel if some stranger on the internet said this about me” before you make hateful statements. 

again, there is nothing wrong with having a discussion and understanding that humans have strengths and weaknesses, but don’t just put someone down because u feel like it.

//

in case you aren’t convinced to be a decent person, have a more logical (?) approach -- not that u should have to shown a dissertation to be a decent human but i digress.

(think about how many other songs the rest of rap line has to perform, logistically, who else are you going have cover the entierty of boss and 7th sense.)

rap line is: taeyong, mark, lucas, hendery, jeno, jaemin, yangyang, shotaro, sungchan, and jisung (?).  

everyone except lucas and hendery (and jisung but bb was injured :( ) covered ty’s part in some aspect. in fact, people not in the friggin rap line helped cover some of ty’s rap (johnny, jaehyun, haechan im looking at you) and other members covered dancing and center parts when they were asked to.

mark is in just as many tracks as ty and was RUNNING around to get to the next song this entire concert. you can legit see his outfit change with jackets and hats. he filled in for ty in kick it (group effort but u get the point) but in 7th sense just to the way that the song works and the dance etc etc, you can’t have mark doing his part as well as ty’s without it falling flat and taking a huge toll on mark. same with boss, marks filling just as big a role as ty and like, legit how do u give this boy mOre lines than he already has. (u can see that sm did a similar thing with jeno and jaemin in the beginning of maw, jeno covers the first part and then jaemin the rest of the song because jaemin can’t leave an open space at the vEry beginning of the song) (10/21 total performances)

lucas isn’t in as many as say mark but he is in boss and make a wish (boss being very hard for him to cover ty’s part, and jeno and jaemin covered maw. if i’m being completely honest i don’t think lucas has the same tone or technical ability to fit into ty’s parts in the songs as much as say - sungchan on a pure technical and tone pov (6/21 total performances)

hendery, similar to lucas isn’t in an absurd amount of tracks but still enough to tire a guy out lol. because of him performing full choreos in other songs it doesn’t make sense for him to learn a completely new choreo while simultaneously having to memorize and practice the others songs. also, in a similar vein of lucas, i just don’t think hendery is the first choice when choosing someone to cover ty’s parts (dont kill me hendery and lucas stans lol) (6/21 total performances)

jeno while jeno isn’t in the sheer number of performances as other members, he does end up covering ty’s starting part in maw (see reasoning for jaemin above). this by proxy means he covers the maw part in resonance. while he does a fantastic job covering the starting part, asking him to learn the entirety of boss or 7th sense would be a fuckton of work. u can legit see him yEEt himself out of camera view after his part - not to mention again that he had an hour to practice lol (6/21 total performances) 7/21 covering

jaemin - first off u can literally see jaemin’s energy fall throughout the final song the boy is so tired by aneyway... it makes total sense for him to cover maw as he already knows the choreo and it take less effort than learning an entirely new song. also, when ur comparing popularity/center time between jeno and jaemin vs. hendery (even lucas sometimes) they simply have more, and when u aRe in the center u have to expend more energy becAuse u are holding the performance together (6/21 performances)

yangyang let me get my yangyang simping out of the way, but this boy is so fucking talented and his rap deserves more praise. lightbulb compared to other songs ty is in, is a more melodic and emotional based song. there is no choreo, therefore the person covering the rap just has to focus on the rap itself rather than the rap AND the choreo. imo this was the best possible choice for someone to cover ty’s part in lightbulb (6/21 total) 7/21 covering ty’s part

shotaro shotaro is only in 4/21 performances. it simply makes sense for the rap line member with the fewest songs to perform to learn a a full choreo. as stated above, 7th sense is the more technically difficult of the songs that required learning and covering a full part. assigning shotaro (the dance line member) to the more challenging choreo is just the easy choice -- especially if ya’ll gonna come for sungchan’s dancing skills, give the damn song to shotaro smh (4/21 performances) 5 when covering 7th sense

sungchan tied with shotaro for the fewest performances (just by nature of being the newest members) in the same way that it makes sense for shotaro to learn a full choreo, it makes sense for sungchan. reasoning for the assigned songs above. (4/21 total performacnes) 5 with boss

// the songs where they didn’t have a designated member cover most/all of taeyong’s parts were in the 127 songs as well as in baby don’t stop (ten and taeyong duet). 127 is the most veteran of the nct subgroups, and is in general just more accustomed to filling in parts (ie winwin - screw u sm lol). they have johnny who trained as a rapper who can fill in, jaehyun, haechan, and yuta have all proven that they can cover rap with more a sing-rap style and mark can take/cover parts when it is logistically possible. 

// in 127′s songs although ty does often take center and many lines, in general 127 is just a more well rounded group. (don’t come for my ass). in the same way that dream has an undeniable chemistry, 127 is the same way. when you work with the same group of people for an extended period of time without many (if any) changes you just build better chemistry. in nct u taeyong takes more of the spotlight just due to his charisma and raw power. think about it. which performance suffered more due to taeyong’s absence: touch / kick it or make a wish / boss / 7th sense. 

also: because 127 is a fixed unit all the boys know the choreo and have consistently performed it at concerts allowing for member to step in where they know they are comfortable without the amount of discussion it might otherwise take in a rotational group

// take a second to think about a certain performance without taeyong in it. it may just be me, but i think 127 fare much better without their leader than any rotational group without taeyong very (firmly ?) bolstering the performance in the center. (taeyong doesn’t hold all these titles for nothing, he is truly another breed)

// in baby don’t stop they didn’t even attempt to cover taeyong’s absence. idk if that was ten putting his foot down and saying that he didn’t want someone covering the part or if it was more of a choice based on marketing and fanservice. baby don’t stop is truly ten and taeyong’s song and idk if even pairing 10 with a dancer with ty’s vocal in the backtrack would have received positive feedback. 

//

if you have somehow made it this far props to you lol. a rant that started because i wanted to defend sungchan has turned into a long analysis of members... whoops.

tldr: just be a decent human being. everyone in nct is human. a talented, multifaceted, human with strengths and weaknesses. being a nctizen doesn’t mean not being proud, disappointed, happy, or any other emotion about the boys. but it does mean treating the boys and other fans with respect. 

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

every time i read an article where the writers call young adults “kidults” because they have to ask their parents for help with getting a home loan or a car loan or because they’re still living at home well into their 20s or into their early 30s or whatever; i roll my eyes and automatically devalue their opinion in the article as holding any weight.

like mate, maybe if the property market wasn’t so fucked here in australia that an extremely average and normal house can go for close to $1millon or over $1million in some areas (mostly in sydney and melbourne but it’s also happening down where i am depending on the area; and i don’t even live in sydney)….. which means many people need to ask their parents for financial help to get the at least $90,000 prep money to go for the loan….. maybe y’all should fucking do something to fix it so that so many people don’t default on their loans in 5 years.

like yeah sure you can blame young people for not knowing how to manage long term saving and their finances and stuff like that… but maybe y’all should take the effort to try and lower housing prices so people don’t need such a huge fucking starting loan price of close to $100,000. and okay yeah obvs idk much about finance myself but still. maybe you should realise it’s wrong that people basically need $100,000 just to buy a house now…. or something.

also. i listened to some radio show the other week while i stayed over my sisters house on my own; about how so many young adults just staying at home in general or for “financial reasons”. they had this dude on it who went on this spiel about how when young adults stay at home well into their 20s or longer; they miss big milestones like having proper relationships or getting married because they “never grow out of” wanting to stay at home because they just “don’t want to fly the nest” and then they went on the rant that “to think that in our day we flew the nest at 15!!!! these silly 20somethings never wanting to leave home!!!” they had points that if people stay at home til their late 20s they’ll probably struggle to hold down jobs because they “never mature” while living at home and other stuff like that.

again….. if property prices didn’t fucking skyrocket to a baseline of close to $1million and jobs that actually want to pay you a decent/proper and real tangible wage and don’t exploit you are fucking impossible to find for young people…. maybe then most of us would move out of home sooner??? if landlords didn’t take advantage of their tenants and stuff as well maybe then more young people would move out??? and also just the cost of even moving out to a share-house/flat or a flat on your own is expensive as hell too. like bonds are ridiculous as well. like maybe factor that in terry??? and just getting a job in general is fucking impossible when they want/expect a ridiculous amount of experience for someone just starting out in their 20s who just wants to work in retail/hospo or even in an office job. then during the pandemic many young people were literally forced to move back home anyway because they couldn’t afford their rent or to live generally with no fucking job because they’d lost their jobs after covid shut everything down. and many people are still finding it hard to get a job with job hunting. like for real. leave us the fuck alone.

like don’t get me wrong. i get those points on some levels, because some parents may continue to treat their adult kids as actual children even though they’re grown…. so they might excuse them from their household chores like doing the dishes etc still. but when parents treat their adult kids like actual adults and expect them to pitch in with paying board and stuff and let them have partners over and stuff…. then what’s the fucking big deal??? let people live their lives and stop guilting them for not “spreading their wings” when the economy and shit today makes it so fucking hard to do that.

like one of the interviewed people on that radio cast actually ran workshops in high schools for year 10-12 boys to learn sewing and how to use a washing machine and other domestic skills that guys usually get to avoid until they move out. but then another person on that show (a woman) was like “uh what’s the point of teaching people to sew/cook/wash their clothes nowadays when they should all be learning to code??? surely that’s a better life and job ready skill today??” etc etc. so miriam, you’re telling me that 25yo matt doesn’t need to know how to wash his own fucking clothes or even cook for himself because it has nothing to do with javascript???? you’re fucking kidding me right??? and if he moved in with his girlfriend deanna (for an example) that he’d be excused from his basic life skills and admin duties for his precious javascript skills??? fuck that. the guy’s a fucking fool if he won’t cook for himself/do his own washing/other household duties just because it has nothing to do with coding. get your head out of your ass, miriam; because coding isn’t the be all & end all of everything today.

but anyway yeah. i just fucking hate when journalists or whomever call people who still live at home in their 20s to 30s…. or even just any young adults in general “kidults” when the economy and society has made it fucking impossible for young adults to do literally any-fucking-thing if their parents aren’t relatively well off/rich, in terms of buying a house…. or just in general with trying to fucking live and get a long lasting stable well paying job; when so many fucking places just want to underpay you or just outright don’t want to pay anyone at all when you think in terms of “work experience” and “internships” or the worst fucking thing of all “exposure” if you think in terms of anything to do with social media/marketing/advertising or any other creative career path.

the above is why we can’t fucking leave home most of the time. because how the actual FUCK am i meant to even PAY RENT AND LIVE/EAT AND TRAVEL TO WORK when jack and lilly from some bs startup social media marketing firm in sydney want to only pay me in ⭐️⭐️E X P O S U R E AND G O O D V I B E S 😊😊😊 🎊✌🏻🙌🏻⭐️⭐️™️ and not with Actual Real Money™️; for my wasted fucking time travelling there and my overly exerted REAL EFFORT i’d have to put in to beg for the said exposure and good vibes to just work there and whatever other bullshit they write in their job description. like fuck off with your good vibes and exposure and fucking pay me lmao.

anyway that’s why i hate the term “kidults”

[calpalirwin]

Hush, Hush

Request: Could you please write a Michael x Reader based on the song Hush Hush by The Band CAMINO? Where they have a secret relationship. Maybe include a scene where the guys find out because read accidentally LEFT THEIR FRIGGIN UNDERWEAR

Content: Heavily implied smut

Word Count: 3.6k

And away, and away we go!

__

Y/N spotted Calum easily as he tried to look as inconspicuous as possible in a plain black t-shirt, blue jeans, a hat covering his head of curls, and sunglasses pushed up on his face. “Hey, you! How was your flight?” he greeted as he wrapped his cousin in a hug.

“Long, but worth it to be here,” she grinned, returning the embrace with the same amount of warmth as the bright LA sun outside. “You fuckin’ take a page from the Avengers? You know this disguise is shit, right?”

“If I learned one thing from all the covid nonsense, it’s actually that this shit disguise works surprisingly well.”

“In covid we covered the lower half of our faces, ya dingus.”

“Works the same either way. Half the face covered is half the face covered. You check any bags?”

“Nah, I crammed as much shit as I could in my carry on and backpack.”

“Sweet, let’s roll.”

“So, you like living here in LA?” she asked as they made their way to his car.

“Yeah. Kinda hard not to. Nice weather. Good people. So, I know you’re here to look at houses and stuff, but Mum didn’t explain to me why you’re moving here. She was just like ‘pick up your cousin from the airport and be good’ like I was just gonna leave you to fend for yourself or some shit.”

Y/N laughed. “While I definitely appreciate you picking me up, and letting me stay with you this week, I’ll kick your ass if you start babying me. You may be taller, but I’m still older than you.”

Calum laughed along. “That’s what I told Mum but, she wouldn’t listen. I was like Y/N’s a big girl, she doesn’t need a chaperone.”

“That’s Aunt Joy for ya though. She misses you. We all do. Well except me, of course.”

Calum snorted as he clicked the unlock button on his car. “Yeah, I miss everyone but you too, so I guess we’re even. But what was it that sent you here?”

“Job relocation. Well… sort of.”

“What do you mean sort of?” he asked as he placed her suitcase in the backseat, the backpack following. 

“So I’ve been doing a lot more freelance work since my job’s been fucking me around since day one. And I finally said fuck it, I’m gonna make my own business. So while I’m here to look at apartments and shit, I’m also here to scout out business locations looking to rent out space.”

“Well shit, why didn’t you tell me before now?” he asked as they got in the front seat. “Moving’s expensive. Starting your own business is expensive. Living here is expensive. Doing all that shit at once? Geez, you a secret millionaire?”

“You’re not the only successful one, Cal. I make good money.”

“You know I don’t mean it like that. I just meant that you could’ve told me what was really going on. So that way I could’ve put you in contact with Andy and Sarah already, cuz they probably know some people who can help you out. Hell you can help them out by freelancing for them. They work too damn hard, they could definitely use the extra help. Plus you’re fuckin good at what you do. And I could’ve also told you that you don’t need to bother looking for a place cuz you could just stay with me.”

“That’s exactly why I didn’t tell you, Cal. I wanna do this on my own.”

“I’m not saying you gotta live with me forever, Y/N. I’m just saying you can while you focus all your energy and resources on what really matters which is getting your business up and running. Plus, I know you’re gonna pick like the most cheapass, run-down studio apartment anyway because you’re gonna justify it by saying you’re just there to sleep anyway. So why spend any money on some shitty apartment when you can just stay at my nice, nonshitty house for free instead? I mean, you’re only there to sleep basically right?”

Y/N’s eyes narrowed. She hated that he knew her so well. “There’s no way you’re letting this go until I agree to move in with you, is there?”

“Not a one.”

“Fine. But only until I get my business off the ground. Once that’s up and running, I’m getting my own place.”

“A decent place,” Calum pushed.

“A decent place,” she agreed with an eye roll. “I’ll even splurge for an actual bedroom.”

“You got yourself a deal.”

“You got yourself a roommate.”

~~~

Michael couldn’t keep his eyes off Y/N. He knew he wasn’t supposed to stare. A.) Staring was rude, and he wasn’t a rude person. And B.) Calum was his best and longest friend, and Y/N was his cousin which made her inexplicably off-limits. But there was something so tempting about wanting someone you knew you couldn’t have. And it didn’t help matters that every time he caught himself looking her way, she was already watching him.

“I’m Michael,” he introduced stupidly when they both ended up in Calum’s kitchen by themselves. 

“I know,” she grinned. “We already did introductions, remember?”

His cheeks flushed pink, and one of his hands rubbed at the back of his neck. “Right. Yeah. H-how long did you say you’re staying with Cal for?”

“Well originally I was only gonna be here for a week while I sorted things out. But Cal’s… strong-willed about things. So I’m staying with him indefinitely while I get sorted instead.”

“Mmm, right. With your new business and everything. So you’ll be around quite a bit, huh?”

“Loads,” she nodded with a flirtatious smile. “And I’ll probably be lonely. I don’t really know anyone here besides Cal. His friends seem nice though. And one of them’s really cute.”

Michael breathed deeply, and even from the small distance between them she could feel his hot exhale on her skin. “We can’t,” he sighed in defeat.

“Says who?”

“Says like every bro code.”

“Are you saying you don’t want this as badly as I do?”

“Want it so bad,” Michael admitted, his voice a low whimper. His green eyes looked around. While nobody from outside was peering in, they were still in everyone’s line of sight if someone happened to glance their way. Which meant that they only had two options, neither of which led to what they really wanted which was to slink away from the party without raising suspicion. “But we can’t. Not now, anyway. Not here.”

“Right. I don’t want to make anything weird between you and Cal. Or between me and him. And we don’t even know what we are. Maybe this is just an infatuation that’ll run its course if we don’t play into it.”

“Maybe it’s not,” Michael countered. “God, I hope it’s not, cuz I really want to play into this.”

“Me too. God, I hope you’re right.”

“Hope he’s right about what?” Calum asked, as he came in through the sliding glass door. 

“Uh, my business!” she blurted. “Mike was just telling me that he thinks it’s gonna do really well here cuz I’ll be able to get more connections with your help and stuff.”

Calum hummed in response. “Mike’s right ya know. Like you already did the scary part of moving out here. The rest is just doing your job. Which you already know how to do, and you do it very well I might add.”

Michael let out the breath he’d been holding as Calum disappeared off to the bathroom. “Fuck, that was close. You think pretty good on your feet.”

Y/N chuckled nervously. “Thanks. God, he scared the shit out of me, and we weren’t even doing anything.”

“Backing out?” Michael asked with a twinge of a challenge to mask the underlying brace for rejection.

“We’re fucked if we get caught.”

“So fucked.”

“Guess we better not get caught then.”

Michael grinned.

~~~

She smirked at the message. A painful month of sneaking behind her cousin’s back, and she only wanted the man with wild trouble in those piercing green eyes more with each hidden touch. Needed him the same way Michael needed her. From the doorway, Calum wolf-whistled at the outfit lying on the bed: a slinky black dress with a slit in the thigh, and a matching black lace bra and panty set. “Going somewhere?” he questioned in amusement.

“Yes!” Y/N said with indignation. “Not that it’s any of your business.”

Calum chuckled, raising his hands in surrender. “I didn’t mean it as a bad thing. It’s good that you’re going out. You going out with friends, or a guy?”

“Friends,” she lied.

“That’s a hell of a dress for a girls’ night out,” he chuckled again. “You could tell me if it was a guy, ya know. We’re not little kids. I’m not gonna be shocked if you’re getting laid. Be a little worried if you weren’t in all honesty.”

She bit into her lower lip, wondering briefly if it was better to come clean now. Y/N decided on half-admittance. “Alright, it’s a guy. But we’re still in that figuring it out stage. Enjoying each other’s company.”

“Yeah, I bet you are,” Calum smirked.

“Shut up,” she laughed. “And get out so I can finish getting ready.”

“He picking you up?”

She shook her head. “No, we’re meeting up at the bar.”

“So, you’re driving?”

“Relax, spazz. I’m taking an Uber. No drinking and driving here.”

“Good. And hey, do me one small favor?”

“Sure. What is it?”

“Go back to his place. Don’t bring him here. Rather spare myself the mental image.”

“I wouldn’t dream of bringing him here, you’re good.”

“Good, good. And hey, if he ends up not enjoying your time anymore A.) he’s an idiot, especially if you’re meeting him dressed in that. And B.) Call me, and I’ll come get ya. No matter the time.”

“Thanks, Cal. Now seriously leave.”

20 minutes after Michael asked to meet in 15 minutes, she was climbing into his car. “Geez, what took you so long?” he questioned, leaning across the seat to press a heated and bruising kiss to Y/N’s lips.

“Cal walked by when I was getting ready. You know for the quiet one, he really doesn’t ever shut up.”

“Shit, think he’s getting suspicious?”

“Nah. I mean I told him I was sort of seeing somebody. But I don’t think he thinks it’s you.”

“Sort of seeing somebody, huh?” Under a passing streetlight, she could see the corner of his lips pull up in a smirk. “You can call me your boyfriend if you want.”

“Oh, is that what you are?” she teased.

Michael chuckled. “I mean not to be heavy, but we’ve been seeing each other a while now. I think this is becoming something more than passing infatuation. I’m not seeing anyone else besides you. I don’t want to see anyone besides you. But if you don’t want to label this because of Cal or whatever, I can respect that.”

“No, no,” she said, softly, fingers tracing across the thick tattooed band on his arm. “I’d like that. Plus, might make telling Cal easier? So we can stop sneaking around? Not that I haven’t loved this. But, I’d really like to not act like we don’t know each other around company.”

His hand brought hers to his lips to stamp kisses over it as he pulled into his driveway. “We’ll tell him soon. Until then, I’m gonna enjoy keeping you to myself.” His gaze turned to take her in, his next breath catching in his throat. “Fuck… Did I tell you how stunning you look, yet? Or was I too busy griping about Cal holding you up like an ass?”

Her cheeks blushed. “Too busy griping. But that’s okay.”

“I think I can think of a way or two to make it up to you.”

“Oh, is that so? Do tell.”

“I think showing you might be more appropriate.”

She shuddered at his words. “Humor me anyway?”

“Let’s just say if my neighbors don’t know me already, they certainly will by tomorrow, because I am going to thoroughly enjoy familiarizing myself with every inch of your skin. And listening to how good my name sounds rolling off your tongue, and how good yours tastes on mine.”

How they managed to make their way inside the house was a mystery to them both as hands tangled in hair, and tongues explored mouths and the column of the other’s throat. Teeth nipped skin, as Y/N’s fell back onto the couch, and Michael marked a path down her body. “Pretty,” his voice taunted from underneath the skirt of her dress as he snapped the waistband of her panties, before pulling them down and off her legs, spitting the lace fabric out of his mouth.

“M-Mike,” she panted, her back arching, searching for him.

“Aw,” he taunted more, his face inches from hers. “You can do better than that. C’mon, I’m sure I got a few neighbors who don’t know who I am yet. Don’t you want to tell them my name, pretty girl?”

“Mike!” The repetition of his name was louder, the desperation in her voice stronger as her fingers wrapped around his wrist and guided him towards where she needed him.

As they surrendered themselves to each other, their names mingled together in the air like the most profanity-riddled melody, each of them certain that by the time daylight broke through the curtains, the neighborhood not only knew his name, but hers as well. 

~~~

Michael tiptoed around the clothes scattered on the floor as he made his way to the dresser, a wide smile plastered on his face. Their first bout that had shook the foundation of the house had led to them curled up on the couch, whispering the sweet promises of budding love against each other’s skin, before retiring to the bedroom. Which then led to a much slower love making of hot moans panted against heated skin, fingers intertwined, and locked gazes swirling with desire, love, lust, and passion. Afterwards exhaustion set in, and they fell asleep in a tangled web of limbs and bedsheets. 

He’d woken up, sure that this had all been a dream, but much to his delight, she was still sleeping soundly in his arms. And after waking her up, he was grabbing her some clothes to put on before joining her in the shower. Or he would have if someone wasn’t banging on his front door.

Confused, he made his way to the front of the house, pulling the front door open to find Ashton, Calum, and Luke on the other side. “See? I told you guys we should’ve waited until he responded,” Luke said with a shake of his head.

“Aw, who gives a shit?” Calum asked rhetorically, shouldering his way past a still confused Michael to get inside the house.

“Uh? What are you guys doing here?” Michael asked, stepping out of the way as Ashton and Luke followed Calum inside.

“Saturdays are for the boys, remember?” Ashton grinned.

“Yeah, but like… did we have actual plans? I- sorry… still waking up.”

“Long night?” Calum teased with a smirk.

“I’ll say,” Luke answered, blue eyes zeroed in on a pair of panties half-wedged between a couch cushion. “You got a girlfriend, Mikey?”

“Holy shit!” Ashton choked, giggling at the sight of Michael with his face frozen in terror. “Is she still here? Is that why you’re so jumpy, mate? Ya got your girlfriend hidden somewhere in your mini mansion?”

“I- What? Pffft, no!” Michael sputtered, grabbing the panties and balling them up in his fist, his green eyes looking wildly at Calum for any indication that his friend might be on to him.

Calum misinterpreted the look as a plea to step in on Michael’s defense. “Aw, leave him be guys. We should be celebrating that he’s finally getting back out there, not giving him shit for it. So when are we gonna meet the girl? When she comes back to claim her lost panties? Or should we leave to not embarrass the poor girl, and meet her some other time?”

“That,” Michael chimed in, “is a great idea, Cal. You guys should leave, because this is part of a matching set, so I’m sure she’ll be by the moment she realizes, and she’ll probably be embarrassed enough as is. So it might be best if you guys aren’t around when that happens. No offense.”

“Matching set?” Calum asked with a raised eyebrow and Michael gulped. “Damn, that girl knew what she was doing.”

The green-eyed blonde chuckled nervously. “Heh, yeah. She’s really cool. I like spending time with her. We’re still kinda figuring some stuff out, but I’ll be sure to bring her around s-”

“Hey, Mike? Have you seen my pa- oh fuck!”

“Y/N!” Calum thundered, jumping to his feet, while Ashton and Luke sucked in their breath and Michael and Y/N looked like a couple of deer trapped in headlights. “The guy you’re seeing is Mike?! You’re fucking my cousin?! And I’m finding this out now?! How long has this been happening?!”

“Maybe now’s not the time to ask questions,” Y/N hissed, trying to make herself as small as possible as she clutched the large towel around her like a lifeline.

“GET DRESSED!” Calum barked, his mind racing.

Michael and Y/N bolted to his bedroom, Ashton’s and Luke’s unrestrained laughter finally breaking free in the background while Calum screeched at them that “IT’S NOT FUNNY!”

“It’s a little funny,” was the barely audible response between wheezes and gasps for air.

Behind the closed door in the safety of the bedroom, Michael and Y/N shared a frantic look. “Well… that wasn’t the way I pictured that going in my head,” Y/N mumbled as she pulled the shirt Michael offered her on over her bra.

“Luke found your underwear,” he mumbled back, handing her the wadded up lace. “Sorry, I wrinkled it.”

“It’s fine,” she told him, stepping into them and then taking the offered gym shorts and stepping into those as well while he pulled on a pair of grey sweats over his boxers. “Hey,” she said softly, reaching up to cup his face and focus his frazzled mind on her. “We’re fine. Right?”

He gave her a small smile, relaxing at her touch. “We’re more than fine,” he nodded, kissing her forehead, each of her cheeks, her nose, and then finally her lips. “I still want you. And if Cal can’t deal with that… well… I…”

“Shh, don’t think about it. Cal’s not gonna care. Just gotta let the shock wear off, first.”

He nodded, his forehead resting against hers, green eyes searching for any kind of hope that they weren’t about to self-destruct; that if it really came down to it, they’d at least hesitate to choose Calum over the other. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered, a tear sliding down his cheek despite his best efforts at self control. “This is all my fault. I- I just need you to know that this wasn’t a fleeting moment of infatuation for me. That I-“

“Ssssshhhhh,” she soothed, her thumb rubbing across his cheekbone. “Don’t do this. Don’t say goodbye before we have to.”

They slowly crept their way back to the living room, finding Calum in full interrogation mode. “Did you two know?” he was asking Ashton and Luke, whose bodies were still shaking from barely controlled laughter.

“Hand to God, we didn’t know,” Ashton swore.

“Honest,” Luke agreed before both men sputtered into a new fit of giggles.

Calum’s eyes narrowed, not sure what to believe as he turned on his heel, coming face-to-face with Michael. “Did they know?” he demanded.

“No. Nobody knew,” Michael told him.

“So what? Are you embarrassed to be with her, or something? Are you embarrassed to be with him?” The brown eyes shifted back and forth between the couple.

“No,” it was Y/N’s turn to answer. “We just didn’t want to come to you guys with the news before we figured out what we were to each other first.”

“And what are you to each other?”

“We’re dating.”

“And how long has this been going on?”

“About a month.”

“So, the whole time? Great… You’re a real pal, Mike.”

“Oh, leave him alone,” Y/N defended. “Like you go blabbing to the world whenever you start to get to know someone? No. You wait until you’re sure it’s not just a fleeting moment. Gimme a break, Cal.”

“So… this is like… for real then? You actually like like each other, and shit?”

“We really do,” Michael nodded.

“I see… Hey, Y/N?”

“Yeah?”

“Remember what I told you last night about not bringing the guy you were seeing home because I’d rather not have that mental image?”

“Yeah. What about it? Change your mind?” she teased.

Calum gagged. “Fuckin’ God, no! If you’re gonna insist on fucking Mike, do it as far away from me as possible. Also if you want to move out sooner, totally fine with that.”

Michael blinked in confusion. “Wait? You’re cool with this? With us?”

Calum shrugged. “If you make each other happy, you make each other happy. Not my place to tell you who you can and can’t date. But,” Calum’s tone changed to be as menacing as possible as he glowered at Michael, “break her heart, and it’ll be the last thing you ever do.”

“What if she breaks mine?” Michael countered.

Calum laughed. “Then I’ll help you pick up the pieces, while secretly wondering what she ever saw in you because let’s face it, she’s too good for you.”

“I’d be more offended if you weren’t totally right.”

__

Tag List

@aquarius-hood1996​ @creator-appreciator​ @philthepegacorn​ @myfavfanficsever​ @cxddlyash​ @youngblood199456​ @stormrider505​ @tarltongrl96​

[whatareyousearchingfordean]

Supernatural Series Finale

It took me a couple days to collect my thoughts on one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to watch in my life. Like I said a few days ago, I cried even harder watching it the second time around. But now that I’ve had a chance to process and also see what other people were saying, I think I can finally put into words my impression of the finale. 

Buckle up, this is a long one....

Let me preface this first off by saying that as an adamant Dean girl that has said numerous times over the years that all I’ve ever wanted was to wrap Dean in a blanket and give him some forehead kisses and tell him everything is going to be fine, this episode gutted me. I fully believe that my boy did not deserve to fight so hard for so long to just die as soon as he was free. He deserved a lifetime of truly enjoying time with his baby brother, the person he loved most in the whole world.

Now with that being said, having watched this series so many numerous times, I truly don’t believe that the show could have ended any other way. It’s something that has been pointed out by the creator, the writers, the actors, and even the characters themselves in the show. Dean never saw anything else for himself than dying doing the one thing he knows best, hunting. I saw a post that discussed how this would have happened numerous times already had Chuck not been interfering in their lives, and I wholeheartedly agree with that sentiment. 

And Dean had been raised to never think anything of that. It goes back to Cas’ declaration that he is “the most loving human he has ever met”. Dean is and always has been a man of duty. He would gladly die at the end of a blade if it meant he saved someone from the fate his family was ‘destined’ to live. He has always cared more about other people than he ever has himself. It part of the reason that his freak out in 15.17 didn’t throw me because for fuck’s sake wasn’t it his turn to be a little bit selfish for once?

Anyway, I digress. Dean has been fighting for others his whole life. And as stated in 15.19, him and Sam were free to finally write their own story. Is it not 100% on character that Dean would die a hunter’s death? As we see in the beginning of the episode, the Winchesters could have chosen to walk away from the life then. They could have chose the apple pie life, a wife and 2.5 kids. But they didn’t, they chose to continue saving people, hunting things. They were writing their own story, even if it ended tragically. But that’s life, it’s messy and depressing, but it’s also beautiful and even if Dean only got a small taste of that, I can be happy.

I know a lot of people feel like that negates their character growth throughout the seasons, but I disagree. I think that the way this ended shows just how much both of them had grown. Sam very well could have went to Jack and begged him to bring Dean back and Dean could have asked him to. But neither felt that it was necessary any longer. Without Chuck pulling the strings, that scary, neurotic, codependence they used to hold was gone. Dean was okay with dying and Sam let him go. Dean told him how much he loved him and how scared he had been to go get him at school. Dean opened up, something that season 1 Dean never would have done. Just look back at “Faith”, the episode where Dean makes every joke in the book about dying instead of facing the truth that his time was up and Sam refuses to accept it so much that his one source to save him (unwittingly) is black magic. The men I saw in 15.20 were far from the men we met in season one. 

Coming back to finally being free, I have to talk about the dammed paperwork in Dean’s room. I’ve seen the speculation about that. But that’s all it is, speculation. We have no idea what that was supposed to be about. If they had meant for us to see it, they would have shown it to use like they showed us the “Dean’s other other phone” sticker. But they didn’t. So it’s perfectly fine to speculate about it, that all a part of art interpretation, but in my opinion, even if Dean was working on ‘something else’ I don’t think he ever could have fully walked away from hunting. This ending was for all intents and purposes, inevitable. 

For all the rest, as a writer, I fully understand the way that they chose to do this episode. Sure covid played a role but the boys had said that the crux of what the episode was did not change. There is a certain nuance to storytelling, like I posted back on Thursday and something that is probably one of the most famous lines from this show. Endings are hard. Writing is hard. It’s impossible to please everyone and even harder to tie up all loose ends. At the end of the day, the writers had to be satisfied with the story that they put out, irregardless of what you or I think. As Jensen so beautifully puts it, Supernatural is a piece of art, one that has numerous hands in the pot. From writers to actors and directors. And art is always up for interpretation. But that’s the beauty in it. 

I talked to a dear friend, @waywardbeanie after the episode and was like “I want to know x.y.and z” because a part of me wanted all the answers from them. I’ve always been a person so very deeply rooted in canon (I know as a fanfic author that sounds weird but stay with me). I trust the information given to me and take it as face value. I seen my stories as an extension to canon, not trying to rewrite it. So it took me a few days, and more conversations with other fans of the show, like @winchest09 , to understand that the facts left out of the final were most likely intentional. 

This is a show that has such a passionate and loving (mostly) fandom. Together we have done so much good for the world, and that is something even if you hated the finale, you can’t take back. The writers left the ending open for us, to write our own stories, whether it’s just your thoughts or if you actually write a piece of fanfiction. There is so little about what happens after Sam leaves, presumably for Austin (don’t even get me started on the essence of that cause I might cry again), because it’s our job to decide. Did Sam quite hunting all together or was he a pseudo Bobby, manning the phones for other hunters? Did he finally go to law school or end up getting some other mundane job? Who was his wife or girlfriend or baby momma in the background? Was it Eileen? If not did she know about his life? One could drive themselves crazy answering these questions, and it’s your right to do so however it will make you happy. But at the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter to the story. 

At the end of the day, what mattered was the peace that the boys found together, in heaven. Sure Dean missed Sammy when he first got there, but he didn’t fuss, because as Bobby said “he would be along”. So Dean did what he’s always done, he took a drive in Baby, and Sam was there when he finally brought her to a stop. In the end their story ended just as it had started, our boys together. 

And I know a lot of people are angry because one of the big themes this show touched on was that family doesn’t end in blood. And I agree wholeheartedly that I would have loved more familiar faces or even the mention of them (I screamed when Donna was mentioned), but at the end of the day, something Eric Kripke has been saying since season one, this show is and always has been about the brothers and their relationship. I in no way think that this negates the family they found along the way or how they could not have done a lot of it without them but, it’s not their story. I’m sorry but it’s true. 

It’s not about Cas, Jack, Bobby, Crowley, Ellen, Jo, Mary, Eileen, etc. It’s about Sam and Dean and it sucks that people can’t let that go, but I get it. I can’t imagine putting so much time into something to let something like that ruin the whole experience for you. I hope that you can find peace eventually. I guess that’s my blessing, that I never really cared for anyone besides Dean. Which isn’t to say I didn’t like characters but what happened to them never mattered to me, as bitchy as that sounds. 

I’m at peace with this ending, no matter how much it hurts me. And I think it’s just the finality of it that hurts. Jensen and Jared and Kripke are satisfied with their little show that could and that’s what matters most to me. Because those are the real people with real feelings that I care about. 

So there you have it. I have zero tolerance for negativity, so please keep your comments off this posts. You are free to your opinion but I don’t want to see it and put any seed of doubt in my acceptance of this ending. I’ll be the first to admit I’m too easily swayed, ha!

But if you need to talk, my inbox is always open. I’m still coping with the loss of this show and everything that comes with it. I don’t do well with change or facing my own mortality, something that has rattle me these past few days. I feel a million years older and that scares me. So know your feelings are valid and I’m here. 

[figula]

this week -

1. ive been doing a LOT better - that’s one of the good things about my madness - i go down very quickly but also rebound pretty fast. i think the one thing that bothers me is the memory of when things were bad for like a good year, and there was no rebounding, just a slow crawl out of the worst of it. HOWEVER - I haven’t been like long-term non-functional in literally like 10y and i think it’s probably a mistake to worry so much about the possibility of the next breadown being The Next Big One bc i think my life is so different now to when it was back then that it’s unlikely to become quite so bad anyway

2. not having a wall is really bothering me tho. one of my long-term obsessive thoughts is about the cat’s safety - i get very obsessive about the idea that she might somehow get trapped outside, which even when we had a garden wall to separate her from the road was a problem, so now w/o the wall it’s 10x worse lol. no idea when it’ll be fixed and she’ll be able to go outside again - the builder has to do another project first so we’re in limbo until then. i get very fixated on the idea that ben or ana will accidentally let her out and not notice and she’ll be cold / attacked by another cat / attacked by a fox :((( which is another facet of my obsessions tbh like this lack of ability to trust anyone apart from myself, like i have this really overinflated idea of my own responsibility / ability to keep the house safe (hence going around at night and unplugging everything, checking the front door, staring at my hair straighteners for about 10m, the usual) and like i wish i could just fucking stop bc i know ana and ben also love the cat and also like have brains?? and like keeping a cat inside is not rocket science! (+ hopefully even if she did get outside it would not end up in her death lol)

3. ben (kindly) told me that he finds it disheartening that it becomes an Issue every time we have to go and see his family, and that whilst he understands it’s not personal, it still feels bad. which is fair... i apologised about it bc i mean he is right + also he comes and sees my family w/ literally no complaint at all so yeah :/ having said this im a bit fuckin nervous about it now for imo legitimate reasons (i have accepted we’re going + that my problems dont constitute a reason to complain about seeing his family and am planning on being much less whiny about this in future) about this new fucking variant and like 10 mask-free people in one room hanging out, at least half of whom are in public-facing jobs. this is the first time since-covid so many of us would have been in a room - we’ve seen barely anyone since it all kicked off. the timing is bad. i know ben agrees w/ me about the concern bc he’s not an idiot, and he asked them on the GC last night if they can all test beforehand, but only one person responded so far and im a bit like :/ i feel uncomfortable about it bc i feel that after my complaints it definitely seems as tho im just trying to find reasons to not go. if they all test up beforehand im happy to go, but im a bit worried that a lot of them have not confirmed that they will, and idk, ill ask him what he thinks about that. bc his brother works in a shop, his mum works as a teacher, this new variant is supposed to be better at getting past vaccines? so im a bit like oooof this ... not great ... i feel like it’s reasonable to only go to a medium scale get-together if everyone tests neg beforehand? what do you guys think? but i dunno i guess at some point you also have to just do stuff... like you can’t entirely live under the shadow of stuff that might happen, including covid, and this is coming from someone who’s been INCREDIBLY careful the entire time

4. i have struggled w/ getting back to my wig work - im gonna start working properly again today bc im actually so behind. my site job also MAY be coming to an end in april - we will all have to reapply for the payment, and i don’t know, they may well feel it’s fairer to give someone a shot who hasn’t been paid for an entire year by that point. which i DO think is fair, and i would understand it, but i would have to take a MASSIVE step back from the site, and it feels kinda grim if they essentially fire their One Woman, given that ive done everything asked of me and am always well-ranked in the monthly numbers. i will probably make this clear in the reapplication - that i will not be around if there is no money. not bc i don’t care but bc i do not have the time. couple of things are working in my favour tho in that ive already proven myself to be a good member of the team + also that im one of the most highly-ranked people there in terms of permissions, so i can do everything rather than some more lowly-ranked people who can only do a few things. also you know. i feel like they would be aware of how bad it would look to let their one woman go honestly? bc they handwring a lot about the woman situation, so im curious how this will play out, bc to me it seems blindingly obvious that a lack of access to resources is one of the main reasons why more women dont hang out there. so im curious if they are gonna actually apply that logic and keep paying me.

[pathopharmacology]

Hey. I'm the anon that checks in on you occasionally. First, sorry for thanking you for doing your job, I understand now that was tone deaf and I'm sorry for being an ass with that. Secondly, you've gone completely dark since this pandemic started and I'm really worried about you, especially since IIRC you work in emergency. You don't have to be okay (although that sure would be nice!!). I'm guessing you're not. But I'd like to know you're alive. And I want you to know you're not forgotten. We're not friends, though we're mutuals last I checked, and I want you to know someone cares even if there isn't shit I can do to help. Stay breathing. Keep your head above water.

Shit, friend, I am so sorry I freaked you out like that. God’s honest truth, I haven’t checked tumblr in ages, because I kinda noped out of most social media after we lost our first baby and then never really found my footing again after because a bunch more Life Stuff happened (more on that below). I don’t know that I’ll resume any sort of presence here, but for those who do want to stay in touch I have a twitter account (@patho_patho) I use occasionally. It honestly never occurred to me that anyone would worry. Again, I’m super sorry about that. I never intended to scare anyone.

Anyway, life update! The tl;dr version is that I found out I was pregnant in November of last year, freaked out SUPER HARD about it because of how things went the last time, freaked out SUPER HARD some more when covid-19 started showing up in the states, left the emergency department for a care management position right before the hospital implemented a hiring freeze, basically didn’t tell anyone I was pregnant until I was like almost 26 weeks along and it was incredibly obvious anyway, and — several months later — ended up having an unplanned (but non-emergent) cesarean delivery when my water broke three weeks early and the baby was breech.

The little dude is now 8 weeks old, growing like gangbusters and marvelously healthy. Unfortunately, our entire state caught on fire recently, so I’ve just spent the last week with him up at my parents’ house because the air is poison and their ventilation situation is way better than ours. Fun stuff.

I can’t explain how good it was for my mental health to get out of the emergency department. I was struggling even before everything happened with my first pregnancy, so when I got off my “postpartum depression is even more awesome when your baby is dead” medical leave, I was in a REAL bad way. We were thrilled when I got pregnant again, but it was also much earlier than we’d intended (apparently I’m super fertile, hooray?) and I spent the first trimester pretending like it wasn’t happening because I wasn’t sure I could survive the loss of another child. Covid started being a thing riiiight as I was heading into the second trimester, and...let me tell you, being pregnant during a pandemic is absolutely terrifying, and it was even more terrifying when I was still working in the ED. Those early days, when we really didn’t know much except that it was really, really bad? God, that was brutal. I was having panic attacks on my way to work, because I was scared shitless that I was going to get it and either I would die (thus killing my baby), or there would be complications of some sort (which would kill my baby), or me and the baby would be fine, but I would give it to the Dude or my parents and then one of THEM would die and...

Anyway. Bad times. It was bad times.

I was interviewing for a number of positions when things started amping up, and accepted the care management job literally days before the shelter-in-place orders went into effect, which led to a hospital-wise hiring/transfer freeze. The transfer still went through, thank god, and my new job has been amazing. They were super cool when I finally told them I was pregnant, especially when I explained why it took me so long to disclose it in the first place (basically, I wanted to wait until the final diagnostic tests were done and I knew 100% that this kiddo wasn’t sick the way our first was). I’m currently on maternity leave, and every once in a while my supervisor will text with a demand for more baby pictures. It’s really nice, actually. Care management is challenging as fuck, but it’s also really rewarding and interesting, and I’m glad I was able to make the switch before the whole world imploded.

(Also, it’s super nice to be in a position where the stakes are not literally life and death, and I’m also not putting my own life on the line every time I go into a patient room? I might’ve been okay with that once upon a time, but, uh, a lot of shit changed for me last year)

That’s pretty much it, unless y’all want to hear the whole pregnancy saga (which probably isn’t all that interesting, to be honest, except for the last bit with the c-section and all). Parenthood is deeply scary and deeply amazing. Everyone talks to you about postpartum depression, which makes it super easy to be blindsided by postpartum anxiety, which is like regular anxiety except your hormones are completely out of whack and you cry a lot and also refuse to sleep because you’re convinced your baby will die the moment you stop looking at them. Being a new parent during a pandemic is even scarier than being pregnant during a pandemic, and I honestly have no idea how I’m going to explain all of this EVERYTHING to the kiddo once he’s old enough to ask what the fuck was up with 2020, anyway.

Again, I’m really sorry I scared you by going radio silent. I’ve got all my notifications turned back on in case you or anyone else has any follow-up questions, and people are always welcome to check in over on the twitters (which is a garbage site, I freely admit, so I totally understand if folks would rather not). I definitely aten’t dead, and right now I’m doing better than I have in a long while.

Now I just need the air to stop being poison.

[kjack89]

When All This is Over

For @adorablecrab, my very belated fill from the @bishopmyrielfundraiser. Sorry it’s taken me so long!!

The request was for Modern AU, getting together fluff, and, well, I’ve done my best :)

E/R, Modern AU. COVID-19 stay at home order related because I am nothing if not the most predictable of trash.

“Alright everyone,” Enjolras said, raising his voice to be heard over the din that signified the natural end of a Les Amis meeting, even if it sounded more than a little different through the speakers of his computer via Zoom than in the backroom of the Musain. “Let’s call it a night. We’ve all got our assignments, and I’ll be in touch with any follow-ups as needed.”

“Enj,” Courfeyrac said, resting his chin on his hand, “you do realize that since we all talk and text, like, multiple times a day, and we’re now on week, what, 8 of social isolation, you probably don’t need to worry about doing ‘follow-ups’, right?”

Enjolras ignored him. “We’ll meet back here on Saturday. Combeferre will send the link again—”

“Because I’m the only one with a licensed Zoom account,” Combeferre grumbled. “One of the only fringe perks of doing a postdoc.”

“And believe me,” Grantaire interjected with a smirk, “we all appreciate your sacrifice for the Cause.”

“As opposed to everything you’ve contributed,” Combeferre shot back. “Which, let me check my notes here, but, uh, what exactly have you contributed recently?”

Grantaire’s smirk didn’t slip as he raised his beer bottle in a mock toast. “Morale,” he said simply.

Bossuet tried to cover his laugh with a fake cough that turned into a real cough, Joly pounding on his back worriedly, and Enjolras sighed. “On that note,” he said, loud enough to be heard over Bossuet’s coughing, “I will talk to you all later.”

He waited for everyone to hop off so he could end the meeting, but to his surprise, as the rest of the squares on his screen disappeared, one remained, even if it was without its former occupant. Grantaire’s video feed remained on his computer, and Enjolras frowned. “Grantaire?” he called, feeling foolish when Grantaire didn’t answer. “Are you still there? Did you need something?”

There was no answer and Enjolras sighed, his cursor lingering over the ‘End Meeting For All’ button. But something, likely against his better judgment, stopped him.

It was probably the same thing that had stopped him from kicking Grantaire out after the man had first wandered into a Les Amis meeting all those years ago, the one decision of his that Combeferre had ever openly questioned. But there was just something about Grantaire, something that infuriated and inspired Enjolras in somewhat equal measures. 

The fury part had happened a lot less recently, but Enjolras suspected that was a temporary side effect of not being in the same room with each other, and was likely to be as temporary as this stay at home order they were all under.

Shaking his head, Enjolras turned back to the work that he needed to do, leaving the Zoom call on in the background. About fifteen minutes later, Grantaire wandered back into frame, holding a full bottle of beer. “Oh, there you are,” Enjolras said, and Grantaire did an almost comical doubletake, his beer bubbling over the lip of the bottle.

“Jesus Christ,” Grantaire huffed as he quickly sipped at the foam to stop it from overflowing. “You almost gave me a heart attack!”

“Sorry,” Enjolras told him.

Grantaire’s eyes narrowed. “Funny, you sure don’t sound it,” he said, sitting back down in front of his laptop. “Besides, isn’t the meeting over? Or have I been held after class so you can scold me?”

Enjolras rolled his eyes. “Believe me, if I thought scolding you would do any good, I’d’ve tried it long ago.” Grantaire grinned and Enjolras allowed himself a small smile as well. “And yes, the meeting is over, but you were still in the call.”

“Ok,” Grantaire said slowly, “but you’re the host. You could’ve just ended it for everyone, myself included.”

“I know, but I didn’t want to just disappear on you.”

Grantaire blinked. “You know, that may be the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

Enjolras rolled his eyes again. “Shut up,” he said, but without much heat.

The video of Grantaire suddenly tilted, as if he had picked up his laptop, and a moment later, he came back into view, reclining on his couch, his computer resting on his stomach. “So what are you up to?” he asked, taking a sip of beer.

“Trying to figure out what protesting looks like in the age of social distancing,” Enjolras said with a sigh. “Our die-in at the state capitol was incredibly successful, but—”

“But laying out body bags doesn’t exactly have the same media impact as real humans lying there?” Grantaire supplied wryly. “Yeah, but what else can you do?”

Enjolras shrugged, glancing down at his notes. “I was thinking of trying to put together some kind of virtual rally, but even that’s not going to have the same impact.”

Grantaire nodded slowly. “Well, I’m sure you’ll figure something out,” he said bracingly, and Enjolras raised an eye at him.

“You know, that may be the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me,” he said, and Grantaire laughed.

“Shut up,” he said. “Tell anyone I said it, and I’ll deny it.”

Enjolras grinned. “They wouldn’t believe me, anyway.” He hesitated. “So I’ll assume since you’re still on this call that you don’t have any better plans for this evening?”

Grantaire sighed. “I’m afraid that even my usually full social calendar has been negatively impacted by COVID-19,” he said with a dramatic sigh, clearly doing his best Courfeyrac impression, and Enjolras snorted. “But I can go if you need to get work done.”

Enjolras hesitated. “Honestly, it’s kind of nice having someone online with me,” he admitted. “Almost reminds me of all those nights at the Musain, y’know?”

“When you were working late and I was too drunk to stumble home?” Grantaire supplied.

“Well, something like that, anyway.”

Grantaire nodded slowly, something wistful creeping into his expression. Then, abruptly, he shook his head. “Never though I’d see the day where I missed that,” he said ruefully.

“Yeah,” Enjolras said. “I know what you mean.”

Grantaire sighed, his head tipping back to rest against the arm of his couch. “I just want things to go back to normal,” he said, his voice muffled from being further away from his computer’s microphone.

Enjolras made a face. “Do you even know what that means?” he asked, the sharpness in his voice making it teeter on the edge of a demand.

Grantaire sat upright again and rolled his eyes. “Yes, because I’ve clearly thought through every single socio-economic implication of stating my wish for ‘normalcy’,” he sniped. “Fine, if it’ll make you happy, I want my particular, individual life circumstances to return to how they were before.”

“It’s not about making me happy,” Enjolras pointed out. “It’s about making yourself happy. Or do you really want to go back to working two minimum wage jobs just to scrape by in between selling your paintings?”

Grantaire pretended to consider it. “It wasn’t so bad,” he hedged, and when Enjolras just gave him a look, he laughed and shook his head. “Ok, so the work was shit but the hours were manageable and besides, that way I got to spend my free time doing what I wanted. And besides, it’s a helluva lot better than being unemployed.”

Enjolras winced. “Fair point.”

Grantaire took another swig of beer. “What about you?” he asked. “Are you eager for your individual life circumstances to go back to normal?”

“Not sure anyone would call anything in my life normal,” Enjolras said, and Grantaire choked on his sip of beer.

“Truer words have never been spoken,” he managed after spluttering for a long moment. “But you know what I mean.”

Enjolras shrugged. “There are things I miss,” he said.

“And?” Grantaire prompted.

“And if you keep badgering me instead of letting me work, there’ll definitely be one less thing.”

Grantaire chuckled. “You win,” he said. “I’ll go back to muttering to myself while you ignore me, how about that?”

“Just like old times,” Enjolras murmured, and Grantaire laughed.

“Exactly.”

He did just that, breaking out his tablet to assumedly work on some art, muttering occassionally to himself, and Enjolras was surprised to find that the familiar background murmuring was strangely soothing, enough for him to settle into his own work.

It wasn’t until very late that Enjolras finally had to call it a night, and Grantaire stretched, looking over at the clock. “Jesus, when did it get to be 1 in the morning?” he asked, rubbing his eyes.

“Right around the time I realized I’m supposed to be getting up at seven tomorrow,” Enjolras said through a yawn. “Or, well, later today, I guess.”

“Seven in the morning?” Grantaire repeated, horrified. “Why in the world do you have to be up at the asscrack of dawn? Don’t you realize we’re in the middle of a pandemic and time is meaningless?”

Enjolras rolled his eyes good-naturedly. “Seven is hardly the asscrack of dawn,” he said. “Besides, I’ve got work to do.”

Grantaire shook his head. “No wonder you’re eager to go back to normal, since your life clearly hasn’t changed at all.”

“Goodnight, Grantaire,” Enjolras said pointedly.

“Yeah, yeah, goodnight, you freak. Getting up at seven to do work, I swear to God—”

Enjolras clicked the ‘End Meeting for All’ button, cutting Grantaire off before he could truly launch into a rant, and he hadn’t even closed his computer before his phone buzzed with a text. [From: Grantaire] Rude.

[From: Enjolras] Well, you said you were missing normal, and I figured this was as close as I could get to making Bossuet or Joly drag your drunk ass home.

[From: Grantaire] ...fair.

Enjolras laughed and stood to head to his bedroom, surprised when his phone buzzed again, and he glanced down at it. [From: Grantaire] Want to have another little bit of post-meeting normalcy on Saturday?

Despite himself, Enjolras couldn’t stop the smile that spread across his face at the thought. [From: Enjolras] Sounds like a plan.

----------

Sure enough, they spent Saturday night (and well into Sunday morning) the same way, both of them keeping each other company while working on their various projects. And after that, it became routine. Every Les Amis meeting was followed by Grantaire staying on the line to hang out, almost always drinking, only occassionally actually working.

As much as Enjolras hated to admit it, it felt...nice. Like Grantaire had said, a little bit of normalcy, despite everything. In fact, it was one of the few things keeping Enjolras sane as the stay at home order extended another month, dashing his plans for a return to the advocacy work he had so meticulously planned.

Nice was probably too mild a word for the quiet comfort that Enjolras found with Grantaire. He enjoyed having someone to talk to again, someone to bounce ideas off of, just like they had so many nights at the Musain. 

But it was more than just comfort. Enjolras found himself actively looking forward to their time together, and while he’d never pretend to know what Grantaire was thinking, he got the feeling that Grantaire looked forward to it as well. 

It helped that, without the urgency of everything else normally going on, they were able to actually talk, and not just about Enjolras’s latest idea. As much as they had been friends for years, too often their conversations were layered by Grantaire’s cynicism and sarcasm, and Enjolras was glad to really get to see beyond it.

“Where’s the first place you’ll go when this is over?” Grantaire asked one evening, lying on his couch, this time on his stomach, his computer balanced on what Enjolras could only assume was the arm of the couch, given the angle.

“Hmm,” Enjolras said, considering the question before barking a laugh. “You’re gonna make fun of me.”

“I always do,” Grantaire said cheerfully. “And that’s never stopped you before, so spill.”

Enjolras laughed again. “Alright, the first place I’ll probably go is City Hall. I’ve got a bone to pick with the permits office.”

Grantaire snorted a laugh. “God, you’re such a nerd,” he marvelled. “It’s truly incredible.”

“Shut up,” Enjolras said, laughing. “Where are you gonna go?”

“A bar,” Grantaire said promptly, “to get drunk with people instead of by myself.”

Enjolras made a disparaging noise in the back of his throat. “Nope, try again.”

“Excuse me?” Grantaire said, amused. “Are you trying to tell me that my answer was wrong?”

“No, just insincere,” Enjolras told him. “I know you’ve thought about it, or you wouldn’t have brought it up. So c’mon, where you really want to go?”

Grantaire’s smile softened, just slightly. “Honestly? I want to go to the zoo.” Enjolras blinked and Grantaire shrugged. “Don’t ask me why, since it’s not like I went all that frequently before, and it’s probably because of all the stupid videos they’ve been posting online during all of this, but. Yeah. I want to go to the zoo.” He gave Enjolras a withering look. “And now is not the time to launch into your tirade against keeping wild animals at zoos.”

“I wasn’t going to say anything!” Enjolras protested, but he was laughing, and Grantaire glared at him before laughing as well, the conversation turning from there.

If they had nothing else to show for it, Enjolras figured at the very least they’d come out of this whole thing as far better friends than they had started.

And then, finally, finally, there appeared to be good news on the horizon, with contact tracing and a decrease in new cases, and much of the Les Amis meeting that night was spent on the governor’s press conference, and her announcement that the state would move towards reopening in the next few weeks.

“You must be thrilled,” Grantaire said when everyone else had logged off.

“Of course I am,” Enjolras said, ebullient. “Aren’t you? You’re the one who’s wanted things to get back to normal.”

Grantaire made a face. “Yeah, but what does normal even mean anymore?” he mused. “Most folks will still be working from home, and even though we’ll be able to do some smaller protests and such, it’ll still be awhile before we can do any big rallies.”

Enjolras’s smile faded. “I mean, you’re not wrong, but is now really the time to bring it up?” he asked.

Grantaire forced a smile. “Of course, sorry,” he said. “We should celebrate! Wish I’d gotten a bottle of champagne with my last instacart order—”

“You’re using instacart?” Enjolras practically yelped. “After everything we’ve talked about with their exploitative business model?”

Grantaire’s smile widened into something more genuine, and infinitely more smug. “It’s called a joke, Enjolras. Glad to see your sense of humor is returning to normal as well.”

Enjolras made a face before hesitating. “I guess that probably means the end of these late night meetings as well,” he said, and Grantaire looked up, startled.

“What?” he said blankly. “Why?”

Enjolras blinked. “Well, I assume you’ll be going back to work, as will most of our comrades, so we won’t be able to have as frequent meetings, and besides, your social calendar will probably fill up again.”

He said it jokingly, but Grantaire didn’t smile. “My social calendar never stopped me from hanging out at the Musain before.”

“No, I know,” Enjolras started, but Grantaire cut him off.

“If you don’t want me to bother you, just say the word and I’m gone.”

Enjolras stared at him. “What are you—” he started before cutting himself off. “That’s not what I meant,” he said instead, trying not to sound as exasperated as he felt.

Juding by the look on Grantaire’s face, he hadn’t succeeded. “No, I know exactly what you mean,” Grantaire said, taking a larger than normal swig from his bottle of beer. “Once this Stay at Home Order is lifted, everything will go back to how it was.”

“Grantaire—”

“It’s fine,” Grantaire said, forcing a smile that didn’t even remotely meet his eyes. “After all, I’m the one who wanted things to go back to normal, remember?”

“That’s not—” Enjolras started, but Grantaire again cut him off.

“Goodnight, Enjolras.”

He left the Zoom call, and Enjolras stared at his laptop, trying to figure out what the hell had just happened.

And far more importantly, how he was going to fix it.

----------

Enjolras knocked on Grantaire’s apartment door, breathing in the fresh air for what felt like the first time in longer than he cared to admit.

Even though he had left his apartment during lockdown, it didn’t feel quite the same as it did now, and he smiled slightly as he glanced over his shoulder at the other people milling around in Grantaire’s apartment complex, all of them looking as happy as he was to be outside.

The door opened and Enjolras turned to look at Grantaire, who was staring at him as if he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. “Hi,” Enjolras said, wincing when he realized how stupid that sounded. 

“What are you doing here?” Grantaire asked, still staring at him.

Enjolras hesitated. “I don’t want things to return to normal,” he blurted, everything he had carefully prepared going out the window, and Grantaire’s brow furrowed.

“Yes, you’ve made that perfectly clear, but what—”

“I don’t just mean, like, socioeconomically or anything,” Enjolras hurried to add. “I mean, um, between you and me. I don’t want that to go back to normal.”

Grantaire’s expression was unreadable. “Then what do you want?”

There were a thousand things that Enjolras had prepped for that exact moment, but he didn’t bother with any of them. Instead, he told Grantaire simply, “This,” before leaning in and kissing him.

Then, just as quickly, he pulled back, eyes wide. “Oh, wait, I’m sorry, affirmative consent, I should—”

Grantaire cut him off by kissing him, something heated and desperate in the press of his lips against Enjolras’s, as if he was afraid they’d lose the moment.

Enjolras wished he had never done or said anything that would make Grantaire feel that way.

When they broke apart this time, Grantaire was smiling, just slightly, almost nervously. “So, uh...dare I ask what this is about?”

“I like you,” Enjolras said, feeling his face flush as he said it. “And apparently, it took me a global pandemic to realize it.”

“Technically, you don’t have to say global and pandemic,” Grantaire said. “It’s implied.”

Enjolras sighed. “Grantaire—”

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist,” Grantaire said with a laugh, and Enjolras shook his head before reaching out and drawing Grantaire close, resting his chin on top of Grantaire’s head as he held him.

“I missed you,” Grantaire whispered, so quietly that Enjolras almost didn’t hear him.

“I know,” Enjolras said, kissing Grantaire’s forehead. “And I’m sorry that I was an idiot, and didn’t figure things out earlier.”

Grantaire arched an eyebrow. “Speaking of,” he said, lacing his fingers with Enjolras’s, “did you come to this realization on your own?”

The corners of Enjolras’s mouth twitched. “Would you believe me if I said yes?”

“No.”

Enjolras snorted and shook his head. “Fine, I had some help. And some sense knocked into me.” He made a face. “Apparently every single one of our friends figured it out before I did.”

“Color me shocked,” Grantaire muttered.

Enjolras ignored that, instead taking a deep breath so that he could say what he actually came to say. “Grantaire,” he said carefully, “one of the few bright parts of this fucking pandemic was spending time online with you. And I’d really like to continue spending time with you. And, well, I’m sorry that I didn’t figure that out until it was almost too late.”

“Well, you know what they say,” Grantaire said, a slow smile stretching across his face. “Better late than never.”

Enjolras laughed, but the sound was mostly lost against Grantaire’s lips as they kissed again, slower this time, Grantaire’s hand resting lightly against Enjolras’s cheek, the other gripping the front of Enjolras’s shirt as if he could somehow pull him closer.

Then, abruptly, he pulled away. “Hang on a second, I thought the first place you were going to go after this ended was City Hall.”

“What can I say, I lied,” Enjolras murmured, ducking his head to kiss Grantaire again, but this time, Grantaire didn’t let him.

“Really?” he asked skeptically.

Enjolras hesitated. “Well, no,” he admitted. “City Hall opened at 8 and I figured you wouldn’t be awake yet, so I went there first and then came here.”

Grantaire laughed loudly. “God, Enj,” he said, pulling Enjolras close and wrapping his arms around him again. “I’d say never change, but clearly we’ve proven that even a pandemic couldn’t change you.”

“Are you sure about that?” Enjolras asked, and Grantaire considered it for only a moment before kissing him again. 

“Ok, fine, maybe it changed you just the right amount.”

“So I’ll take it you don’t want things to go back to normal?” Enjolras asked teasingly.

Grantaire rolled his eyes. “Fuck normal,” he said decisively, and Enjolras grinned.

“Technically, that’s what I’ve been saying all along,” he pointed out, and Grantaire cut him off by kissing him once more.

“Shut up,” Grantaire advised, and Enjolras grinned.

After all, who needed normal when they finally had each other?

[vintage-brass-tc]

Band Camp with M  -  Day 1/3

5/25/2021

So, as I mentioned previously, it’s about that time to have band camp with all of my peers. What makes things even better is that I get to spend the day with M as well. 

This turned out longer than expected! So, without further ado, I’ll go ahead and share everything that happened with M and I today.

|||||||||||||||||||||||| 

When I had arrived, the students began gathering where we were told to. The students entered one by one, forming a line. Almost halfway through my trek, I specifically saw M’s bald head onstage, just past an opening in the crowds’. It had a slightly red-orange-ish tinted shine on it, which intensified his boldness (and baldness🤟) further. 

My head was running a hundred miles per minute yet at the same time it felt still. And I was borderline speechless. A few seconds later, we were out in the open, nearing M. He was now six feet away from us, looking down, supposedly mentally preparing himself to speak to the class. As I thought, he was attending the event maskless. He was absolutely STUNNING with the lower half of his face revealed. Way better than I remember. I couldn’t stop looking at him, and to my delight he looked in my direction pretty quickly upon my first entrance. 

I lifted my right hand, which was wielding a drawstring bag, to greet him. He seemed to stare at me for a couple of seconds in a daze. After the questioning wore off, he widened his eyes and smiled, bringing his left hand up in the air to wave right back. He cheerfully commented after doing this, “I’m seeing a lot of faces!” I thought it was cute; his positivity was contagious. 

I actually had a mask on at that time so HAJDGA he wasn’t talking about me there 😳 

 ~~ 

I sat down in one of the first rows of the seating with my section. When we got settled with all of our stuff, (I think I decided to put my mask up during the process), I figured I would take the time to look up at M. His face was peering out into the crowd with squinted eyes and furrowed brows. 

I giggled to myself quietly at his behavior. “What is he doing??” I asked under my breath, bringing someone else to look at him too. I put my hands out in front of me to emphasize my confusion as I gave him a look mixed with entertainment, judgement, and questioning. He noticed my look quite fast, probably because of my exaggerated gestures. 

When we met eyes and he realized my complete bewilderment, he tried to suppress a smirk, but failed. I could still see the ends of his lips curving upwards and his body beginning to tremble lightly, as if he wanted to laugh too. After somewhere around four seconds of eye contact, he directed his eyes back forward, still grinning slightly. 

Then he puckered his lips out around thirty seconds later in accompaniment with his scrunched up eyebrows. I think he was doing it to be funny, either to me, or to others who thought his expressions were laughable as well. 

~~ 

Whenever he called my section to raise our hands up for attendance, we were actually the only ones he gave pure complements to. I say this because either the other sections were slow or didn’t raise their hand up straight. “We all here?” Since someone’s body was blocking me in that moment, I perked my head out from their right side, still holding my hand up.

He seemed to be already trying to look past their side for me, and when he finally confirmed I was there he met my eye with a grin. He then jokingly made a statement about our section being brutal and trying to nod people off. Maybe because I was being covered by someone else. 

 ~~ 

He called on me to answer a question he had, stating it was the final one. “R?” He said my name aloud before I said anything, which I don’t remember him doing with anyone else. I stuttered slightly before answering the question, but he still took it in nonetheless. 

I thought it was nice he chose me over a few others to be the last person to answer. 

~~

After receiving the signal, everyone got their instruments and headed straight for their designated locations. It took quite a bit before I could adjust to using the contrabass tuba effectively, but after twenty minutes or so I got the basics down. All I needed following that was the strength to suck up the soreness in my limbs and get to work. 

In the middle of our section’s powwow, just before we began another exercise, M decided it would be a great time to hop in and see what was up in contracity. He walked in the room, greeted with the prying eyes of students. Before I knew it, one tuba kid was telling M a story about one of their marching experiences. Then boom, another kid was telling M a story about one of *their* marching experiences. 

Both times M was looking at them and listening respectfully. During the second kid’s story, M was standing right next to the person speaking, turned towards them, which was opposite from where I was. At some point, the kid said something I found humorous, so I let out a laugh. 

As I began to softly rest my head on my hand to continue listening, M turned over his right shoulder to cast a momentary gaze at me. I met the look he displayed with a joyful smile to match his own. I’m glad he did that, it was nice feeling at least a little included when he was around. 

A bit later, standing in the same spot next to my left side, he turned towards the center of the room and beamed. “It’s so nice to see your faces again.” This very statement made the class ‘aww’ and smile. I aww’ed as well and replied with “you too”. Soon he left to ‘stop interrupting us’ and allow us to continue practicing. The visit was definitely a nice surprise. 

~~ 

I was walking past M when we met eyes with each other and smiled. 

“Are you sore?” He asked me, as he knew very well that I wasn’t used to carrying contras. “A little,” I rotated my hand left and right in the air in case he couldn’t hear me. He replied with a simple yet powerful look radiating happiness instead of using words, seeing that I was currently on my way to do something. Very thoughtful of him. 

~~ 

 I feel the need to mention how M would whip his head in my direction almost EVERY TIME the drum major would call for the tubas to get set. He didn’t look at anyone else when he did this. I’m a good percentage sure that he was always just gazing straight at me. 

I don’t know why he felt the need to do that so often, but it was definitely a motivator to improve my posture for him. Having M as a director again in general is just a blessing and huge reason to try hard. He’s very motivational. ^^ 

~~

During our mini-sectional time, we were taking a little break from playing on our instruments. We got through a couple rounds of ‘Two Truths, One Lie’ when M walked through the door. 

“Hiii MMMMMMMMM!!” Most of the kids and I gushed in an unsynchronized manner. M looked flabbergasted at the sudden attention, his eyes huge and his face bewildered, but smiling as well. Right away, he went to go and lean against the table closest to me, to my right. It was sort of unreal that he was just...there. Two feet away from me.

“What are you doing? Have you played yet?” He asked us all with a semi-serious expression. We all said yes to this question. He leaned forward slightly.  “Have you gotten really good yet?” His tone became more playful. “Slow progress, M. Slowly improving.” I threw my head back to look at him as I stated those thoughts. 

A second later, I returned my head upright and turned to him once again, wearing a welcoming face. “Do you want to join us?” I referred to the game of ‘Two Truths One Lie’. It didn’t take long for him to say “no, I don’t.”, but he seemed interested in what was happening anyway. 

The entire time he was there he remained right by my side. I got to see him laughing, smiling, and merely being there. It was amazing. 

~~

“Hola,” he greeted a tubist and I as we walked past each other. “Hola!” The tubist cheered pretty quickly as they moved past. I was pretty caught off guard because of the Spanish greeting he used for some reason, so I hesitated before mustering out a response to him. “...Hello.” 

We then continued going our own way. 

~~

Seeing that he was open, I came up to him to ask about the previously mentioned outdoor essentials since we were going outside tomorrow. “So we bring the hat and the sunglasses tomorrow, right?” He looked at me with blank eyes for a second before asking, “..what?” He blinked slow and apologetically while he leaned towards me to listen better. 

“Do we bring the hat and sunglasses tomorrow?” “Yeah, you can bring them if you want to.” He looked at me intently and grinned a bit after his simple response. “Cool. Thank you.” I didn’t push the conversation any further. “Sure.” 

I turned to walk away and completed a step or two before pausing to look back at what happened in these last eight hours. I brought myself back to the earlier comments he let out that day, revealing how unsure he was of the whole band camp ordeal, and whether or not he would be doing good enough for everyone he taught. He hasn’t regularly taught these kids yet anyway (thanks COVID). I whipped my body around, took a step, then leaned left towards him with a smile. I felt my expression begin to grow sincere. 

“....Good job today.” I said aloud, hoping he would hear me.

Luckily, he did. He moved his head over to me and his gaze grew wide in surprise after realizing the compliment I gave out was for him. It was like a little (..!) going off in his head. 🥺 “Thank you!” He beamed at me. I returned his look before turning to leave again. 

“You too.” 

He added the last part just when I began to walk away with my contra in hand.

My heart absolutely EXPLODED at his thoughtfulness?!??! Like wow he didn’t have to say that...especially since I was walking away and stuff. It was so sweet.

I turned over my left shoulder to look at him again, feeling a lively rush of optimism flow through me. Not only was he already looking my way after his statement; he was granting me the warmest, most genuine smile he could muster. I returned it as equally as I could. 

Hopefully he could tell how cheerful the statement made me. I mean, it seriously improved my entire week. 

||||||||||||||||||||||||

Whether it be listening to his instruction, laughing at his jokes, making silent eye contact, making physical contact, talking to each other, or just simply being in the same room . . . it’s such a magnificent experience for me. And that appreciation I have for him almost feels mutual. Almost. 

I hope you all have a great evening. I may post day 2 later or tomorrow. Stay awesome, and I’ll get back to you all soon enough.

[incorrectspnforfun]

^^ nah, dw, it didn't ruin the show for me. thanks for your opinion. i just wanted to build on what you said, sorry it's long XD you're right that they did mention other characters, and there was the montage, and who knows, maybe the lack of other characters in 15x20 is just because of covid. the thing for me is that sam living this "normal life" and never mentioning hunting, and dean dying young on a hunt, those are the endings they would have gotten had they stayed on their respective paths 1/

at the beginning of 1x1, so it feels like doing all those things since then and changing their destiny (at least i think they did that? feel free to correct me if i'm wrong) didn't really matter. plus i always thought that dean’s line of "going down swinging, guns blazing" was just something to hide his fear of doing exactly that. dean was planning to retire as a hunter, he had managed to completely distance himself from being "daddy's little soldier", but in the end he still died his dad's case? he got out and then was pulled back in just to die, it's... sad. also, you're absolutely right that the core of the story is about the brothers' relationship. but i think this relationship evolved with time. in the beginning it was just the two of them, and it was "toxic codependency" (i think that's how other characters said it?), but as they grew up and met other people they... didn't exactly grow apart, but they took some distance, at least emotionally speaking, and their relationship became way healthier because of that. maybe i'm just imagining things, but this final episode, with a road trip case a la season 1 and barely mentioning other characters, felt like going back to the beginning (...which was probably the whole point ^^") and almost erasing the fact that they became different people since then. idk if that makes sense? also, the actors were always very vocal about mental health issues, but this final episode showed us traumatized characters ending up either dead or living unhappy, and only being happy once they’re dead. i *do not* like this subtext. i know it's definitely not their fault, they said they didn't like the ending way before we knew what the ending was, but *someone* decided this was a good way to end a story that was, at its core, all about hope. sorry, it was even longer than i planned ^^"

Alright. I just cut all of them together so it was more or less consecutive lol. Let’s try to break all this down! (And no worries about the long response! I’m happy to talk about it, and I’m so glad you’re sharing your thoughts! I really appreciate you taking the time to type all of that out! <3) 

For starters, I’m really glad it didn’t ruin the show for you. I’ve heard a lot of fans saying that it’s their ex-favorite show now and they can never watch it again because they didn’t like the finale, and that makes me really sad, so I’m glad to see someone who still appreciates the show even if the finale wasn’t their fave. :)  

In terms of lack of characters because of COVID, I think that’s definitely true. I know the cast and crew had been saying that they wanted more guest stars in the last two episodes, but they had to take some of them out because of COVID concerns. Overall though, they did say that it didn’t change the core story they wanted to tell too much, so I think the Sam and Dean-centric ending would’ve still been like that, but maybe with a few more character appearances (like Shoshannah Stern, for example. I really believe that the reason Sam’s wife was blurred out was because they couldn’t get Shoshannah Stern back for some reason, but they wanted us to believe it was Eileen). 

When it comes to the boys’ destiny, to me--and, in my opinion, this is exactly what the show was trying to show us--their destiny was always supposed to be one brother kills the other. It was the destiny meant for them at the end of Season 5, and it was the destiny and final ending that Chuck had written for them at the end of Season 15. But, time and time again, the brothers’ love for each other and love for the world kept pushing against that destiny. In the end, by defeating Chuck, and by helping each other up and not backing down, they did write their own destiny and fight against it and, ultimately, give themselves free will. 

Now, in thinking about Dean’s death and the brothers’ codependency (yes, you were right, that’s what the angels and such called it), I see your point about Dean’s words being a mask for his fear, and while I agree that he often did use them in that way, in the end, I think his fear was less about dying on a hunt and more about dying alone, but also about making sure that he isn’t taking Sam down with him. His death scene in 15x20 says that loud and clear. Sam tries to leave to get him help, but all Dean wants is for Sam to stay with him, and then his last request is for Sam to come closer so that he can make sure his little brother is okay. That said, though, I do agree with you that they’ve taken some emotional distance from each other and had a healthier relationship because of it--which is why, despite Dean dying and Sam surviving, Sam let him go and didn’t try to bring him back, because they had achieved that emotional distance. 

All of that in mind, I, personally, feel like the only way this story could end was with Dean dying and Sam living to old age, eventually joining his brother in heaven--so basically, exactly what we got. 

I hear a lot of people saying that Dean deserved to live a normal life and live to old age--he had that job application on his desk, he had a dog, etc.--but while I agree that he deserved that happy life, I feel like it wouldn’t have been happy for him. Dean’s tried the normal life thing before, several times, and it’s never worked for him. He can’t stay away from hunting for too long, because he’ll always be looking over his shoulder, and/or he’ll always be worried about his brother. If Sam would have died, he also never would’ve forgiven himself or gotten over it and wouldn’t have been able to live a normal life. In general, as much as I would love for Dean to live a normal life and have a chance at happiness, it’s never fit his character. Even with the growth he’s experienced in the last several years, the way he’s grown up and the things he’s been through just won’t let him experience an apple pie life. 

Sam, on the other hand, has always had a connection to a normal lifestyle and has always had more of an ability to have that. If you ask me, a lot of that is because of Dean--since Dean grew up so fast, Sam never had to, so he had a chance to go through normal childhood experiences and learn how to live a life outside of hunting. As such, his attempts at a normal life usually were pretty successful, and it follows that any attempts he makes in the future could be successful too. The big thing that stops all of that, though, is Dean. While Sam, in the last several years, has said that he’s okay with his hunting lifestyle and happy doing what he’s doing, it’s less about the actual hunting and more about being with his brother. Sam, in general, is miserable in the hunting lifestyle. It’s not what ultimately makes him happy, but being with his brother does. Because of that, he accepts the lifestyle for everything that comes with it because it means bonding with Dean and seeing him happy. As such, he can’t live a normal life if Dean’s around, because he knows it’s not what Dean wants, deep down, and it would mess with the dynamic they’ve built through all these years of hunting. So, the only way Sam can live a normal life is if Dean dies (kind of like in Season 8. When he thought his brother was dead, he actually did live a normal life for a while, and he probably would’ve continued to do that for the rest of his life if Amelia’s husband hadn’t come back and if Dean hadn’t come back). 

Now, with all of that said, you’re right in that this does connect directly to how the brothers likely would’ve ended up in Season 1. However, what’s different is the strong bond that Sam and Dean have now developed over the years. Yes, if Dean hadn’t gotten Sam at Stanford way back in Season 1, Sam (probably) would’ve lived a white picket fence life, and Dean would’ve died on a hunt. The difference, though, is that both of those things would’ve happened without either brother being aware of what the other was up to and, frankly, probably not necessarily caring as much (in Sam’s case anyways). 

With the Season 15 ending, though, Sam lived his white picket fence life, but his entire life was built in tribute to his brother. He named his son Dean, he kept the Impala, he had pictures of the two of them all around his house, and his son even had an anti-possession tattoo. While Sam was able to live a normal life, he never forgot about his brother, and Dean was--just like he said in his death scene--always in his heart and always remembered, because of all that they had shared for the last fifteen years. 

The same goes for Dean. While Dean did die on a hunt like he normally would’ve, if Dean had died in Season 1, he would’ve gone up to heaven, relived his best memories (which all probably would’ve been with kid!Sam), and that would’ve been it. Instead, in Season 15, we see Dean go to a heaven that’s been re-created into something that he deserves by people who love him and who he loves very much (Jack and Cas) that he (and Sam) were able to influence heavily. And yet, with the entirety of heaven open to him to see anyone he wants (including Cas), what does he do? He goes for a drive and waits for his brother--the brother that he’s bonded with for the last fifteen years. He could see anyone, and in Season 1, if heaven had been like that, he probably would’ve. But instead, he just sits and waits for his brother, because ultimately, that’s who makes him happy. We never would’ve gotten that if it weren’t for the bond that Sam and Dean created with each other in the last fifteen years. 

As for the “traumatized characters ending up either dead or living unhappy, and only being happy once they’re dead” subtext, that’s completely valid, and I can see how that would be upsetting. Personally, I didn’t see it that way at all, mostly because I feel like the characters weren’t necessarily happy after they were dead. Dean was only happy in heaven once Sam was with him, and Sam actually was happy throughout his life with his family, even if he was still mourning his brother, and ultimately, he was able to live a life and continue that happiness in heaven when he reunited with Dean. Cas was happy before he died (hence, why he died) because he finally admitted his love for Dean. While I fully acknowledge that not a lot of them necessarily got the chance to deal with their trauma in a prolonged way, I feel like their individual deaths helped them cope in some way. That’s just my opinion though, and I can definitely understand where you’re coming from. 

Sorry it took me so long to answer this, but I hope that all makes sense! (Also sorry mine was so long too! Lol.) <3 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #479

“war sends our sons to slaughter  /  another failed attack; there is no turning back”

Have you ever boycotted something? Yes: Chick-fil-A. Homophobic, transphobic pieces of shit. Has anyone ever borrowed something from you, and not returned it? Yes, a video game when I was little. I was so mad, lol. Do you vent a lot on social media? No. I don't want people to get annoyed with me. What was your first bill you started paying on your own? I haven't been responsible for any bills yet. What is your favorite charitable cause to donate to or volunteer for? I can't/don't do either really, but if I could, I'd probably donate to uhhhh... suicide prevention organizations. As for volunteering, definitely something with animals. Have you ever dated someone who wasn’t at all your usual type? No. What is something you have no patience for? Waiting at the doctor's office. Have you ever received a misdiagnosis? Yes. What’s that you’re listening to? I'm watching Gab play The Evil Within 2. What kind of relationship do you have with the last person you kissed? We're a couple. What is your biggest accomplishment in life? Still being alive. What is one thing that you really wish you could understand, but don’t? Political stuff. Economics. Have you ever been tutored or tutored someone yourself? I had an Algebra tutor the last time I was in college, and I had to strangle an anxiety attack down because I wasn't understanding the material AT ALL and felt so dumb and annoying. I never did it again. What was the last thing you said out loud (singing doesn’t count)? "It's really embarrassing," to Mom. It really is fucking humiliating that my ankles are swollen from walking/standing more and pushing my desk chair back against the resistance of the carpet. That's pathetic. I'm trying to focus on the fact it's good my body is even reacting to moving more, though. Is everything you have on actually yours? Yep. Do you ever just randomly drive around when you’re upset about something? I don't drive, but if I did, that would NOT be my method of de-stressing. What was the last act of creativity you displayed? Writing an RP post. What’s your favorite department in Wal-Mart? Uh, I guess where you can go see the plants and flowers. Do you find kite flying boring? I LOVED it as a kid. I'd still probably find it kinda fun. Do you have any interest in visiting Japan? Yes, but it's not a massive interest. I've heard the humidity can kill a bitch, and I am NOT into that. Have you ever run a cash register? Yes. I sucked. Have you ever worked as a server? No. Have you ever done the Bratz challenge on YouTube? No, but I saw James Charles do it and it was v unnerving, holy shit. Would you rather paint or carve a pumpkin? Carve. What was your worst experience in high school? My depression as a whole. How much did your senior prom dress cost you? I don't remember. Have you ever been in a serious romantic relationship? Three, if you include my current one. Which part of your body is the most muscular? Uh, nothing? What is the first site you check when you get online, generally? KM. Are you good at creative writing assignments? That's my forte. In elementary school, I actually won a I think county-wide creative writing short story assignment. Not to brag, but I've always been very proud of that, ha ha. Or would you rather just do an informative essay? That's easy for me too, but I prefer writing creatively. Are you more attracted to the badasses, or the goody-goody types? Definitely the goody-goodies. The "bad guys" have never appealed to me romantically. Do you raise your hand or participate in class? I did if I really wanted to ask something or was confident in an answer. What is something BIG you want to do with your life? Make a difference, somehow. What do you think of people who own wild animals? Do NOT just casually take in animals from the wild. That's selfish and just generally disgusting. If you're going to keep an animal generally described as wild and undomesticated, you'd better have a license and deserve that license. Know what you're doing and be certain that keeping the animal in captivity is in the animal's best interest for its unique case. Are you good at explaining things, in general? NOOOOOOOOO, I suck at that. Do you like visiting the mall? Why or why not? Not our mall, no. Its stores suck/are extremely limited, and SO much crime has happened there. Do you like window shopping? Why or why not? YESSSSSSS, mostly on Morph Market, a mostly reptile selling hub online. You can browse TONS of breeders and literally thousands of reptiles, especially ball pythons. They even have a tarantula section I like to look at sometimes. If you lost your job/home/etc., who would likely help you? If I'm losing my home, I'm assuming my mom is gone, so my dad. Why did you first kiss the last person you kissed? We were a couple and I felt like I was supposed to. At that time I didn't see him romantically, but I desperately wanted to. Funny how we're back together and I've no reservations against kissing him now. Feelings change, for sure. Plans for tonight? Girt and I will probably play some WoW Classic together. We've started playing that together, and it's lots of fun with him. :') Has anyone seen you kiss the last person you kissed? Actually, no. Have you ever been kissed in a car? Yeah. Do you think anyone has feelings for you? I know Girt does. Is there anyone in your life that knows right away something’s wrong with you? My mom. Who last made you smile? Girt, 'cuz he's a sweetheart. Where is your mother? She's in bed in her room. She feels like shit. Like, you would think she WASN'T vaccinated, though her long-time doctor has said she'd probably be dead without it while having Covid. Would you rather look at clouds or stars? Stars. Think about your biggest mistake, would you go back and change it? I absolutely would. Are you dating the person you last kissed? Yeup. What is the most immature item you own and actually use? Um. Idk. Do you always take a shower after you have sex? I... didn't know people did this? Like I know women are advised to pee after sex, but full-on showering? No. Do you like chocolate popsicles? Oh hell yeah. Are your parents proud of you? They claim to be. I don't see how. Are you interested in the ocean? Yeah; it's inarguably so fascinating. Hot dogs or hamburgers? I prefer burgers. Have you ever been to a Chinatown in any of the cities you’ve been to? No. Have you ever been to couple’s counseling? No. Do you have any dietary restrictions? No. Have you ever turned down a job offer? No. What’s the largest animal you’ve ever had as a pet? A dog named Cali that was a boxer mix. Do you ever pray, even if you don't believe in God? What exactly is the point if you don't believe in God...? Anyway, I don't. Have you ever been to Mexico? No. Have you ever gotten stuck in quicksand before? No. What's the shortest or longest length you've ever had your hair grow? To around the small of my back. The last nest you saw - was it a bird nest or a hornet's nest? I think a bird's? Do you enjoy Jeff Dunham? I don't know if I'd like him as a person, but I do think he's a funny comedian. Who is your favorite character from Frozen? I was never into the movies. I do think Elsa is kinda cool (no pun intended, lol), though. I like that she has her flaws. Did you finish high school? If not, do you plan on doing so? I did. Have you been in a simulator that mimicked a submarine or rollercoaster? A rollercoaster, yes. How often do you go out to eat instead of cooking for yourself? Mom and I try to avoid fast food for our health. We do a pretty good job at it, but sometimes for convenience's sake, we do eat it. What is the largest family of siblings that you know of? This is probably gonna come across as very judgmental, but... it really bothers me. I don't know how many kids she has now, but one of the dance moms from the studio has SO many children; I've completely lost count. Now if you want that many kids and can provide for them, that's cool. But that's not the case. She uses the "if God wants me to have a baby, then it will happen" mentality, and I'm just like... um, no hunny. Poor choices are leading to kids you're not adequately providing for. She uses no methods of protection and literally has twins whose room is a fucking closet. Ugh it just really bothers me. What foreign languages were offered to you at school? A whole lot. Only Spanish and I believe French were offered as in-school courses, but there were lots of online classes. If you were required to take a course right now, what would you choose? Photography. Team Biden or Team Trump? Over my dead body would I have voted for Trump. My vote went with Biden. What is an animal native to your country that may not exist in others? Bison are factually exclusive to North America. Note that bison and buffalo are different. What are some of your favorite autumn activities? Taking pictures of fall scenery. <3 What are some of your favorite winter activities? Going out in the snow. :') Especially with a camera. Do you eat a shit-ton the week before your period? uuugggghhHHHHHH yes Wendy's, McDonalds, or Burger King? Wendy's. What's the weirdest question you've ever asked Alexa? I've never asked Alexa anything. Do you prefer your apple cider to be warm or cold? I've actually never had it. Do you prefer your coffee hot or iced? Y'all know the story of me and coffee. Can you sing the alphabet backwards? I can't. Have you ever sent flowers or chocolates to yourself before? Ha ha, no. Is there any meat that you won't eat? Yeah, fish and ANYTHING that comes from a wild animal. Does your cat use anything other than it's scratching post as a scratcher? When we got him a scratcher WITH CATNIP, the lil butthead ignored it. -_- He scratches the carpet instead. Did you go through a vampire craze before? Are you still going through it? Nah. Have you ever forged your parents' signature on a poor test paper, etc? No. Has a bird ever pooped on you before? Omg, no. I'd die. Have you ever been sprayed by a skunk before? No. Are black jellybeans delicious or disgusting? I HATE them. Have you ever rolled down a grassy hill before? I have! I miss that.