#ilona actually shares her life with her followers for once lol

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

went to my first music festival today, and it was local

[artificialqueens]

Lemon's Misadventures in Dating, Chapter 5 (Lemon x the world) - Mermelada

A/n: Hej hej hej! I’m very late in posting this to AQ after Ao3, so please forgive me! I hope you all like *~* filler chapters *~* because there’s a couple of them coming up! I’ve already written the next couple of chapters, but PLEEEAAASSSEE let me know if you have any requests or suggestions! Namely, should I attempt to write smut or not lol! Thank you again for all your lovely words about the fic, I love you all massively <3 <3

Having not slept in her own bed for the last two nights, Lemon decided to take a well-earned evening for herself, partly because she was running out of excuses for her parents as to why she’d been out so much lately, and partly to give the various bruises and bite-marks on her body time to heal. With Gus the dog snuggled into her side, she waited for The Sims to load on her laptop as Chromatica blared from her phone. She pressed on its screen to check the time, and saw she had received a new text message.

Dr Rita <3 [16:45] “I hope you survived your walk of shame, mon petit citron! Thank you again for a great night and day :-) x”

Rita was amazing. She was the epitome of a dark horse: she was so kind and patient with Lemon during her panic crisis, as she had so adorably put it, and made her feel all the safety and love she needed all morning. Yet not long afterwards, after some lazy chatter which had made Lemon inexplicably horny, she was once again fucking her to within an inch of her life. Speaking two languages was far from the only thing she could do with her mouth. They had even gone for lunch together after round 2 – and round 2.5 in the shower – before reluctantly parting as Rita prepared for her nightshift at the hospital. It was over lunch where they both agreed that pursuing anything serious wouldn’t be worth it, but they would definitely like to work on a friendship. Lemon had, however, still managed to charm her way into borrowing a hoodie from the older woman, both of them secretly pleased that it gave them a reason to hang out again. She quickly sent off a reply, thanking her once again for her help that morning and wishing her luck for the long night ahead in kidneyland with her love interest from the ward. 

Looking back to her laptop, the loading bar appeared to have frozen. Rolling her eyes, she held down the device’s power button to restart it. The snoring lump beside her clearly wasn’t going to entertain her as she waited, so she bit the bullet and opened up her new favourite app.

She grinned upon seeing that her most recent message was from Kyne.

[16:20] Remember I told you about my roommate who works in a porn studio lol? She came home just now with a box of those custard tarts you were telling me about, they are so good!!! 🤤 You really do have the best taste 😘

That’s a lot to unpack, she laughed to herself, she’s persistent, fair play to her! Plus it turns out she actually WAS listening! I just hope they were clean… I’ll reply later. Now what about Kiara, eh Gus-bus? She was nice, let’s see what she’s said! 

[09:12] How was the party? 🙂 I hope it was tudo bem!!

Lemon and Kiara had continued chatting yesterday until Lemon had to leave for her date, a ‘family party’ being the first reasonable sounding thing that came to mind when having to end their conversation. She hated lying, she really did, but how acceptable was it really to tell one Tinder-match that you were going on a date with another Tinder-match?

[17:03] It went well, merci! But I was too hungover to function all day lol 🤯

[17:03] How has your day been? 😊

Right, who’s next? Two new matches and a message from Boa! Let’s see what she has to say about me spamming her before she blocks me. Clicking on the girl’s message from last night, however, Lemon was pleasantly surprised that her texting blunder wasn’t the end of her chances.

[20:55] Lololololololololol no YOU’RE fun!!!!

[20:55] Clock the good grammar

[20:55] So what’s a girl like you doing on an app like this?

[20:56] 🍆🍆🍆

Now that was a question Lemon still occasionally asked herself, and she didn’t even know if she had an answer. So the best she could do was be honest.

[17:07] Well I’m recently single so I’m just seeing what happens, really, a few dates here and there to get me back on my feet again! To quote the great Kelly Rowland, I am down for whatever 😉

[17:07] How about you?

She had, once again, been well and truly sucked into the Tinder vortex. Closing her laptop and placing it on her bedside table, she nuzzled her face into Gus’s head, the dog making no effort at all to reciprocate the sudden attention. Squishing a kiss to his head, she turned back to the app, and her new matches: Scarlett and Ilona. They had both matched at around the same time, making their chat windows sit neatly at the bottom of Lemon’s screen. Sending them both standard “Hey gorge! What’s up? 😊” messages, she went back to swiping through profiles, although within less than a minute, a reply from Scarlett flashed at the top of her screen. 

[17:13] Hey gorge! I’m doing much better now that I’m speaking to you 😉

[17:14] What’s up with you?

A bit of enthusiasm goes a long way, she smiled, maybe Scarlett is the one? Or maybe she’s too into me and I should be worried? Surely not!

[17:15] I’m glad I can help! I’m pretty good thanks, having a lazy night in tonight! Are you doing anything fun?

Lemon debated giving the girl more details of her night in, but she was worried about what she might think… She’s covered in tattoos and eats fire, for god’s sake, there is no way she likes Lady Gaga or The Sims. She probably listens to death metal and drives a motorbike and has a pet snake, I could never compete! 

Fortunately, Scarlett was charming and very easy to talk to, and the two exchanged details - both mundane and exciting - through quickly typed messages. She learned that the other blonde was a lawyer, but had gone to circus school at weekends throughout university - which explained a lot - and was currently in an open relationship with her girlfriend. Lemon had never been ‘the other woman’ before, but as long as she wasn’t hurting anyone, surely it’s not that bad! Eventually, though, one message made Lemon’s anxiety start to creep in again.

[17:57] So I know this probably seems WAY too fast, so don’t worry if you don’t want to

Time seemed to stand still between this message and the next one. What does she want to do that’s fast? Sex? That’s not that big a deal, it must be more than that. Unless she’s into super kinky shit, which wouldn’t surprise me, does she want to piss on me? Does she want her girlfriend to piss on me? Does she want me to be her fake girlfriend at her sister’s wedding where we have to share a bed before eventually realising we loved each other all along? Finally, right on cue, the follow-up arrived.

[17:59] It’s my birthday on Saturday and I’m having a party at my house before heading out on the town, it’ll hopefully just be a few friends, and it would be cool if you could make it 🥳

[18:00] You can bring a friend if you want! But again no pressure!!

Wow, that wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought. She started blankly at her phone, letting her heart rate settle back down to its normal speed. A party, cool. I can do that!

[18:02] You had me worried for a second there! But that sounds fun, I’ll be there! 😀

Exiting the app, she hastily composed a message to Jan. Jan loved parties, she had such a natural charisma which she exuded effortlessly whenever she entered a room. She was able to chat to anyone about anything, and Lemon was always responsible for getting her out of tricky situations on nights out where her natural friendliness had been mistaken for something else. She would be the perfect person to deflect any potential awkwardness that may occur at a Tinder-date-she’d-never-met-before’s birthday party. As she awaited Jan’s reply (Please please please say yes, Jan, you’re my only hope!), she checked on the app again, swiping through countless samey-looking profiles. Until she reached one that she’d definitely seen before.

Priyanka, 29

Within 10 miles

I already swiped for this girl, look! There’s her in her lengha, there she’s at pride… Oh she has new pictures now, how weird! Priyanka did indeed have an additional two photos on her profile which Lemon hadn’t seen before: a professional-looking black and white image of her face and torso, showing her dark waves flowing down her shoulders, and her eyes directly piercing Lemon’s soul; and finally, a picture of the dark-skinned girl wearing a blonde wig, cowboy hat, and appearing to be screaming into a microphone… I do like a Hannah Montana fantasy, get it girl!

Just like before, Lemon swiped Priyanka’s profile to the right, but unlike last time, the notification she’d been hoping for appeared straight away.

Congratulations! You have matched with Priyanka!

Buoyed by the excitement of matching with somebody so quickly - and someone so gorgeous - Lemon jumped straight off the bed and started dancing, ‘Rain on Me’ blaring beside her for the third time that evening. Even Gus seemed to pick up on the change of energy, running up and down the bed, wagging his tail merrily. As the pair danced, the familiar ‘ding’ of a new notification sounded through the room. And again.

Briefly pausing to pick up her phone, she saw the two messages she had received. Firstly, from Kiara.

[18:12] Unnggghhh work today was the worst, but I found a really cute Portuguese café on my walk home! I have eaten so many natas lol. We could go sometime if you want to? 🙂

Before replying (yes, obviously… I didn’t download Duolingo yesterday for nothing!), she went to check on the second message, which was from her recent match, Ilona.

[18:12] See you on Saturday bitch! xox

Well that seems ominous.

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

I went on a high tea cruise in sydney yesterday for one of my primary school besties hens party/bachelorette

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

so I did a thing today and graduated from my cadetship. and ok I love this dress lmao.

also I dressed better than the federal housing minister lol

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

my sister booked me a birthday dinner tonight (saturday 21st oct) and I found it a good time to FINALLY use and justify two past impulse purchases lmao

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

i went out last Thursday night for a toastmasters comp. behold, my pants/skort.

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

throw on a black dress mix in with the lot, you might wake up and notice you're someone you're not

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

so i've started working out with 2kg dumbbells (and sometimes my kettlebell) every night before bed to stretch my back out for a more comfortable sleep, and also to see if it'll lessen the size and eventually get rid of a lipoma lump that i've developed in my upper back (without pesky day surgery obvs).

but what i've noticed is that nearly EVERY women's dumbbell workout video (also a lot of kettlebell workouts) focuses on are SEXY, TONED muscles. or they're also always about "fat burning and booty busting" for lower body and core workouts.... not much about getting stronger or having better posture, or simply being healthier. i am NOT here to make myself look sexy. I'm NOT here to fat burn (mostly bc i don't have much fat to burn- since i'm already thin and weigh 48kg/105 lbs/7 and a half stone). i am NOT here to "booty bust" or whatever the fuck, or at least not quite yet.... since i don't have great core strength and good upper leg strength. plus I'm never going to have a full voluptuous toned and sexy natural bbl looking ass anyway, bc of my body type. unless i waste money on a BBL surgery or idek take some considerably heavy supplements or whatever to make me put on weight.

anyway. what i'm there for is to build a stronger back. again, to get better sleep. to improve my posture and also sure, up my arm strength a bit as well. I'm just sick and tired of anything to do with women's fitness having to do with being "SEXY AND TONED" and "BOOTY BUSTING AND FAT BURNING". I get that they're probs keywords that get the videos into searches and to be clickbait, thus allowing the fitness instructor to get views etc. but men's workout videos are all about getting stronger- and so are workout articles/columns to do with dumbbell/kettlebell workouts for men.

like ok. i guess part of me doing it is to look a bit toned on my arms. but again, i reiterate: i am doing weight training mostly to improve back strength and to reduce back stiffness when i sleep (and also sit around all day), for when i don't do much exercise at home. bc it opens my back out, in a sense, to be stretched and worked.

i'm just sick of everything being reduced to "sexy" and "toned" and "ooooh burn that fat, bitch" and "hella booty workout slaaaaaay" even in sport.... when (A.) i'm NEW to this health and workout stuff. i just want a no bullshit beginners/idiot's guide to dumbbell workouts, and (B.) i'm here for PRACTICAL and FUNCTIONAL reasons (better health, reducing a health concern, better posture/back and sleep) and NOT AESTHETIC reasons (looking sexy/toned etc). it's just. fucking frustrating. and i also found the same thing after hospital in 2021... even though yes, i did have practical workouts from the exercise physio i was seeing at the time. but i've obvs modified those exercises since then.

just whenever there's anything to do with women's fitness and health, it's automatically like demoted to "sexy"/"toned" and everything else. i obvs do acknowledge that some, if not most, women are going for toned muscles and to look or feel "sexier" or w/e. i'm not shaming them. i'm just here to say im pissed that women dont seem to get practical descriptive video titles like "follow this dumbbell workout video to get better posture and better general health" instead it's the "ultimate guide for women to losing cellulite fat on thighs and getting a juicy booty IN JUST 30 DAYS!!! start this intense kettebell workout today!!!" and also "hella sexy back workout to get the TONED shoulders and biceps of your dreams- GET RID OF THOSE STUBBORN CHICKEN ARMS TODAY WITH THESE 5 INTERMEDIATE DUMBBELL MOVES. TO. KILL. THAT. FAT!!!!"

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

so the other day while I was out shopping, I ran into one of my old friends from public school. we talked a bit about mental health bc shes been to therapy and been diagnosed with some things- I didn't ask what. but she said something that stuck with me, bc i made a joke about all my edgy and whiny statuses from the time being all like "oh I just shouldn't haven't posted them in my feed. and I can finally understand why so many people were deleting me at the time."

what she answered was "no don't be sorry. we were all struggling at the time. like you were definitely struggling, yeah? and we all just wanted to be heard. it helps to get help and get it sorted out. like yeah obviously it's a lot of time and money, but i'm so glad to have a name to what was going on. you should do it too." then we joked about the cringy song lyrics and stuff and then went out separate ways. but that's really stuck with me. if i end up with a good job after all this job hunting- maybe I'll get around to getting the adhd stuff sorted out.

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

update:

so, I've been going to therapy (ok I'm 2 appts in, but still) through my social services job provider.... and I have a ~vague diagnosis~ of depression and anxiety..... more leaning towards like severe depression and like mid range general anxiety. again, I can't get an adhd screening bc im on my digestion meds (creon) for life, so I need to have 3 solid meals a day, at the very least.... so the psych wouldn't refer me to a psychiatrist for that since I can't get any adhd meds since they fuck w/ your appetite.... so it's basically pointless.

but at least I've got a diagnosis for depression and anxiety. that's something. but I'm still not putting it on job applications, bc fuck employers lmao.

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

mini life achievement unlocked:

donating my hair ✅️

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

adulthood confuses me just as much as the streets of sydney do 😂

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

if you want to how pressured some women (probably) feel to always look good/look put together or whatever else.... last year while i was in the icu for a month after my stomach surgery, i would apologise for looking/sounding like shit (bc my voice changed to being super croaky) to my friend or my sister whenever i video called them/they video called me to talk.

and the thing i realised this morning is that if i’d had some ~celeb fan zoom call~ say as a charity call if i was much, much sicker..... i would do the exact same fucking thing even though that’d be the point where you have like weeks left to live or whatever. basically i said “sorry i look like shit” or “sorry i look/sound terrible” even though you’re basically supposed to look that way when you’re that sick in the icu. like being a woman really do be Like That™️

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

every time i read an article where the writers call young adults “kidults” because they have to ask their parents for help with getting a home loan or a car loan or because they’re still living at home well into their 20s or into their early 30s or whatever; i roll my eyes and automatically devalue their opinion in the article as holding any weight.

like mate, maybe if the property market wasn’t so fucked here in australia that an extremely average and normal house can go for close to $1millon or over $1million in some areas (mostly in sydney and melbourne but it’s also happening down where i am depending on the area; and i don’t even live in sydney)….. which means many people need to ask their parents for financial help to get the at least $90,000 prep money to go for the loan….. maybe y’all should fucking do something to fix it so that so many people don’t default on their loans in 5 years.

like yeah sure you can blame young people for not knowing how to manage long term saving and their finances and stuff like that… but maybe y’all should take the effort to try and lower housing prices so people don’t need such a huge fucking starting loan price of close to $100,000. and okay yeah obvs idk much about finance myself but still. maybe you should realise it’s wrong that people basically need $100,000 just to buy a house now…. or something.

also. i listened to some radio show the other week while i stayed over my sisters house on my own; about how so many young adults just staying at home in general or for “financial reasons”. they had this dude on it who went on this spiel about how when young adults stay at home well into their 20s or longer; they miss big milestones like having proper relationships or getting married because they “never grow out of” wanting to stay at home because they just “don’t want to fly the nest” and then they went on the rant that “to think that in our day we flew the nest at 15!!!! these silly 20somethings never wanting to leave home!!!” they had points that if people stay at home til their late 20s they’ll probably struggle to hold down jobs because they “never mature” while living at home and other stuff like that.

again….. if property prices didn’t fucking skyrocket to a baseline of close to $1million and jobs that actually want to pay you a decent/proper and real tangible wage and don’t exploit you are fucking impossible to find for young people…. maybe then most of us would move out of home sooner??? if landlords didn’t take advantage of their tenants and stuff as well maybe then more young people would move out??? and also just the cost of even moving out to a share-house/flat or a flat on your own is expensive as hell too. like bonds are ridiculous as well. like maybe factor that in terry??? and just getting a job in general is fucking impossible when they want/expect a ridiculous amount of experience for someone just starting out in their 20s who just wants to work in retail/hospo or even in an office job. then during the pandemic many young people were literally forced to move back home anyway because they couldn’t afford their rent or to live generally with no fucking job because they’d lost their jobs after covid shut everything down. and many people are still finding it hard to get a job with job hunting. like for real. leave us the fuck alone.

like don’t get me wrong. i get those points on some levels, because some parents may continue to treat their adult kids as actual children even though they’re grown…. so they might excuse them from their household chores like doing the dishes etc still. but when parents treat their adult kids like actual adults and expect them to pitch in with paying board and stuff and let them have partners over and stuff…. then what’s the fucking big deal??? let people live their lives and stop guilting them for not “spreading their wings” when the economy and shit today makes it so fucking hard to do that.

like one of the interviewed people on that radio cast actually ran workshops in high schools for year 10-12 boys to learn sewing and how to use a washing machine and other domestic skills that guys usually get to avoid until they move out. but then another person on that show (a woman) was like “uh what’s the point of teaching people to sew/cook/wash their clothes nowadays when they should all be learning to code??? surely that’s a better life and job ready skill today??” etc etc. so miriam, you’re telling me that 25yo matt doesn’t need to know how to wash his own fucking clothes or even cook for himself because it has nothing to do with javascript???? you’re fucking kidding me right??? and if he moved in with his girlfriend deanna (for an example) that he’d be excused from his basic life skills and admin duties for his precious javascript skills??? fuck that. the guy’s a fucking fool if he won’t cook for himself/do his own washing/other household duties just because it has nothing to do with coding. get your head out of your ass, miriam; because coding isn’t the be all & end all of everything today.

but anyway yeah. i just fucking hate when journalists or whomever call people who still live at home in their 20s to 30s…. or even just any young adults in general “kidults” when the economy and society has made it fucking impossible for young adults to do literally any-fucking-thing if their parents aren’t relatively well off/rich, in terms of buying a house…. or just in general with trying to fucking live and get a long lasting stable well paying job; when so many fucking places just want to underpay you or just outright don’t want to pay anyone at all when you think in terms of “work experience” and “internships” or the worst fucking thing of all “exposure” if you think in terms of anything to do with social media/marketing/advertising or any other creative career path.

the above is why we can’t fucking leave home most of the time. because how the actual FUCK am i meant to even PAY RENT AND LIVE/EAT AND TRAVEL TO WORK when jack and lilly from some bs startup social media marketing firm in sydney want to only pay me in ⭐️⭐️E X P O S U R E AND G O O D V I B E S 😊😊😊 🎊✌🏻🙌🏻⭐️⭐️™️ and not with Actual Real Money™️; for my wasted fucking time travelling there and my overly exerted REAL EFFORT i’d have to put in to beg for the said exposure and good vibes to just work there and whatever other bullshit they write in their job description. like fuck off with your good vibes and exposure and fucking pay me lmao.

anyway that’s why i hate the term “kidults”

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

a few years back now, i wrote a big d&m post about this pic. about how in 2011, i was depressed/anxious, lonely and feeling lost. when i posted the pic originally in 2013, i was still very deep in that mindset as well.

however, 10 years on, i realise that those feelings, although brought on by the toxic environment i was in at the time (let’s not even get started on that), and my views of myself at 15/16 were false. life obviously had bigger and more dramatic things to give me at 25/26 than “you’ll never be desirable to men if you never learn to shut your mouth like a REAL WOMAN does” and such other poisonous comments i was receiving at school from staff. those comments were just a blip in time. but i’ve learnt that those comments were really a reflection of the gross patriarchal views of the church (as well as society in general) which i was so fucking happy to “escape from” (ah the dramatic queen i was) at the time by moving schools.... but those views are not a reflection of me as a person.

for everyone whose landed in teaching, please know that if you make these types of comments to your students, it really does affect them. it took me 10 years to grapple with and tackle my self esteem to the point where i am confident in who i am; all because some petty teachers didn’t like how outspoken and loud i was as at 15/16. like y’all. let teen girls be a bit feral, loud and opinionated. it doesn’t hurt for them to try that on and then discard it after a period of time, or possibly never (like i never have- except i’m no longer feral lol).

although many of my teen opinions that i find on tumblr through my archive or my facebook memories are problematic as hell and some of them i now find completely unrelatable..... at least i know i’ve grown in the years since. and it’s also funny that i don’t even look up to the musicians and actors that always bore the advice of “be yourself and see who likes you for you” or whatever the fuck general platitudes they gave for self confidence advice to fans; anymore. how times change.

and although these comments were extremely hurtful at the time, i have always known that i am more than my perceived desirability to men. i am obviously still loud and opinionated; but i know now that my opinion is sometimes not needed on things... which is unlike teenage me, who liked shooting her mouth off every 5 minutes just for funsies. i have always been whole on my own, and those comments were a counter to that belief.... because as patriarchal assholes always love to ask and state: “what is a woman without her/a man? nothing.” uh, no. she’s a whole ass person, you fuck. there’s a reason that one of my fave lyrics of all time is “im not here for your entertainment, you don’t wanna mess with me tonight”. to me, it means i’m not going to entertain anyone who thinks i’m not a whole ass person on my own. don’t fuck with me if you think a woman always needs a man to be whole.

basically the vibe of this post is just to let people grow in their own fucking time, and don’t try to force growth through guilt-tripping. personal growth is a messy ride for everyone. even more so today, with social media being such a general suck on people’s self worth.

a whole ass decade ago i was depressed, anxious, lonely and feeling lost. obviously, the lost bit is still there, because who doesn’t experience the lost feeling from time to time- and even more so during a worldwide pandemic -(that’s a big storm you’ve got coming honey)- but life is transitory and fickle. and yes i still have my down days. and yes i still grapple with my anxiety and depression. but i am enough. i am loved.

a whole ass decade ago i thought i was worthless, stupid and every other negative word in the dictionary. i felt numb and alone. in retrospect, i got through uni and still have my knowledge; even though i had to admit to myself that i had to drop out of my postgrad course due to burnout, and also realised that librarianship just wasn’t for me. i was also forced to quite literally physically feel things while in hospital, considering that i begged for anaesthesia for literally everything all the time 😂. bitch gotta feel at some point. might as well do it now.

back in 2011, i felt as though i couldn’t connect with anyone anymore. *just throw any mid 2000s/early 2010s emo song lyrics about feeling disconnected, inadequate and depressed here*. and yeah, it’s true. i still have those days where i feel like that. but i’ve got a few friends who like me for me, still. no matter how fucking messy i am.

personal growth hurts sometimes.... in every aspect of your being. growth is slow. and other times, incredibly rapid (such as my time in icu which is my decade reality check). and you know what? i got through it all as the ☀️ girl i was deemed as being back then 😂.

sometimes, in the end, you have to approach life from the sunny side up and laugh- which i can now do- since 10 years have come to pass to divorce me from my awkward, rebellious & punky teenage self. little miss sunshine has woken up to know that somebody loves her always (okay that’s my nephew) and continually lives in an endless pandemic hell as if every day is her weekend and every year is her year (okay not really- 2020 was a nightmare for everyone- let’s be real here). little miss sunshine knows that she’s whole on her own even on her bad days. she’s okay. and that’s fine.

or as one of my long time fave songs says: “stay awake, get grip and get out/you’re safe from the weight of the world/just take a second to set things straight/i’ll be fine even though i’m not always right/i can count on the sun to shine.” (c’mon we all knew this would come out).

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

dressing up for love for my first ever wedding (and hopefully many more), after recovering from my surgery was a wonderful time. now for the reception later 🎉👰🏻‍♀️🤵🏻‍♂️