#anyway I wanted to give them some more specific stabilization details I feel like they’re still too broad

[lynxfrost13]

Giving HOPR units chewing gum as a necessary stabilization item is so bigbrained of me. Imagine the Nation Approved TM HOPR bubblegum they could sell

[vod-ika]

Clones; A Sociologic Rant

I’m pretty sure I could base a whole sociologic thesis off of this show I have so many thoughts this is LONG.

So the fascinating thing about clones is that over and over it’s emphasised in show that they are considered property/cannon fodder/disposable, and at the same time it’s shown that they understand that claim, and still go so far out of their way to control some kind of their own independence.

I occasionally have a hard time separating show and fanfiction (fuck canon it’s my world now) but even in show, the allusions to modern militaries, the decorating of armor, the personalisations such as accents, names, and specific groups (Domino Squad) all point to an entirely unmitigated, completely developed culture inside the Republic. So this is basically a list of things I’ve seen, wondered about, or headcanoned in TCW.

- I would just LOVE to sit down with Filoni or Lucas and a sociologist and just Talk about how, if this army was real, what all would the Kaminoan’s have programmed in their heads (mental stability, coping mechanisms, stamina, self-preservation instinct, etc,) and how would it work in real-time, on and off the battlefield. What kind of programming went on in those eight to ten developmental years that ensured that loyalty was innate, the knowledge of property was omnipresent, and that they believed they weren’t allowed to own anything? What did they do to them to make sure that they would never want to form an uprising???

- “We are only as good as our weakest link” is repeated in team events endlessly, something that can extend to both skill and health. How deeply engrained are checkups, both mental and physical? I want you to look me in the eye and tell me that day in and day out clones, regardless of rank, are able to listen to and watch brothers die and Not have that affect them.

- Were they programmed with “protect the Jedi” in mind, or was it just, “bam. here is your CO, they outrank you so you have to respect/protect them?”,  and then one of them jumped off a building with no armor and their captain had a heart attack? With the whole “Jedi were peacekeepers now they’re generals” thing I feel like the Senate just took two pieces of a puzzle that don’t actually go together but fit anyways and shoved them together and now they’re just kinda staring at each other like “the fuk u doin here”

- HEALTH. IS SO. IMPORTANT. When you know that any injury severe enough or illness overlooked long enough could result in you being swiftly and carelessly replaced by someone who looks Exactly like you, how much more of an emphasis is put on health, bodily wellbeing, and injury prevention? Clones are human, and while they’re very highly trained, strong humans, they’re still human and skin is skin. (Applying real logic to a cartoon) Seeing clones in things like explosions that they potentially survive, but lose a limb or two always made me sad because, to The Republic/The GAR/ Kamino, what good is a crippled clone? To Kaminoans, their life’s purpose is over and you might as well treat them as a lame horse. Fuck Kamino.

- I just realised something. When most modern soldiers deploy, they deploy with the intent to eventually be replaced because they have served their time wherever they are, and are being replaced by a new wave of soldiers. Clones deploy with the intent to die and be replaced until the battle is won.

- When Marines or Infantrymen or Sailors ship out, they always have duffel bags or those gigantic green laundry bag stuffed with clothes and personal items. Now, we know that clones collect personal items, and assumedly have multiple pairs of blacks (or no sweat glands) but I have yet to see any kind of carrying devices other than crates and small backpacks like for small Hutt babies or explosives. Do they have to leave everything behind when they’re op-hopping to their next planet? Are there barracks left behind that hold the ghosts of personal blankets and magazine clippings? Or is there a mountain of green laundry bags just off-camera?

- Naming culture, good god. So, you’re fresh out of boot, and you’ve got your number still. You’re like, “dope. I’m CT-1234. I’m a GAR mortarman. Go time.” Then, some dickhead is like, nah you’re called Sparkles now lets go prank Gogo and Jazz. Naming is WILD, and I’m mostly drawing from fanfiction for this. Either you’re named for some major or heroic or kickass reason like Tracer or Wolffe or Fireball, or you’re named for the most mundane thing like your number ends with 22, so you’re Twos or there are checkers on your armor so now you’re Check. either way it is a personal choice that Specifically defies the number they were assigned at decanting. Even Dogma had one for fucks sake.

- Painting armor. You know that time had to be taken to sit quietly and detail on that eel, or those lines, or that decal. Did it do anything to better the Republic? Did it win any battles or save any precious Jedi? No, but it happened anyways. People like to discuss why we play video games; there’s no societal, familial, or interpersonal benefit, only benefit to the one playing. There’s no societal, familial, or interpersonal benefit to painting armor, only benefit to the one painting. Fuck Kamino. 

- Vocal inflections! The places they’re deployed affecting their speech patterns! I personally have a wild mashup of regional American accents because of the time I’ve spent traipsing, so how does being deployed planet after planet affect clone speech patterns??? Who rolls their r’s and who doesn’t? Are there transfers from other battalions whose accents are indiscernible because of where they were last deployed? Or ones who just have a whole additional vocabulary of local language? I’m three states away and the Louisiana accent blows my mind. Imagine that, but a whole fucking star system away???

- LINGO. Military lingo, planetary lingo (see above), sign language etc. give me different forms of communication outside Basic, used in both the formal and informal settings. (name calling in ASL/BSL during a briefing, talking about shinies in front of their faces in a language they don’t yet understand, talking about Jedi in front of their faces in a language they don’t understand.) Clones are told all that they are is property but damn if that property isn’t going to be able to talk shit about you to your face.

- To add on... Mando’a???? Is it innate? Is it learned? Did Jango Fett personally sit every clone ever down and teach them how to say Cat and Dog and Yes and No? Does every clone know it, or only those who sought it out? Literally it’s the most impersonal personal thing. “You, a thing who was made for combat, who looks exactly like millions of others, know one language of BILLIONS in the galaxy, purely because the man whose hair we based your genetic makeup off of knows it.” like WHAT

- HELMETS. BEING. SO. VERY. PERSONAL. Everything you see, speak, hear, smell is filtered through that bucket on your head. Are HUDs customisable? Is wearing or touching someone else’s bucket a no-no? Who’s watching telenovelas on guard duty?

- Speaking OF helmets: When your waking hours are constantly covered by your bucket, how do bodily “tells” betray what your face can’t? People acclimate. How common is it to be able to read your brother’s emotions like a fucking book based purely on how squared his hip is in parade rest, or which shoulder is higher than the other at attention?

- Or even just armor. Dude, that is literally the only thing between their skin and certain death by laser bolt. You ever talked to an athlete? And how picky they are about what cleats they wear or what goggles they use, or what percentage Gatorade their water is? We’re incorrigible. Imagine that, but the choice made results in how mobile you are, or how much laser to the shoulder you can stand.

- Time is so fucking short and they all must know that. I think I’ve used the line, “the average lifespan of a clone is measured in months, not years,” and boy does that fucking hit. How do you handle life when you were made to be snuffed out by it?

To conclude, I have many thoughts about the minute details of a working army that is comprised of identical people created, raised, and sent off to die for a war they didn’t start. Sounds a little ridiculous when you say it out loud, but between the show itself, fanart, and fucking fanfiction, it’s a little hard not to attribute human nuances to the show that exemplified my childhood. I’m an adult and it is my very highly specifically adult choice to psychoanalyse this show, and you can bet I’ll throw hands with Disney at any time.

“When my creator cares not how I face death, only that it is for them, how do I use the time death allows me? Cruel is my maker to have given me eyes to see and ears to hear the world, but denied me the chance to explore it. I can only hope that those who follow see what I could not, and that eventually a painting of all the world will be born through the eyes of the many.”

[maerenee930]

random thoughts.

just venting and rambling. talking about some anxiety i’ve been having on and off the past week. and i do talk about my depression, some dissociation, depersonalization, derealization and that time of the month. i’m not going into like any specific details or anything uncomfortable, just how that time can mess with me emotionally. that’s all. but yeah, i just wanted to give a heads up.

Also, i genuinely want to apologize in advance for coming off as like “oh woe is me” or like i’m looking for people to feel bad for me. that is not my intention and that is not what this post is about. it’s just me getting some feelings out. i do know and understand that i’m the only person who can change things and make things better for myself. i know truly that if i want anything to change or get better for myself, that i have to change it. that i have to put in the work to make things change. i’m not looking for anyone to make everything better for me or looking for anyone to tell me that i need to be the one to change things. i promise i know. i’m also not trying to vent about the same stuff over and over again and act all like “idk why things aren’t getting better” when i’m not doing anything to actually make them better. i am doing small things to try and make things better. they are very small things and they might seem stupid cause they’re not big significant steps or changes, but they are steps (even if they are small baby steps) and that’s what i’m trying to focus on.

sometimes, i really wish i could get some stability with my anxiety. instead of it being this constant roller coaster. i mean all things considered, it’s not as bad as it has been in the past, but like anyone, i have days where it hits me harder than others. this week just happened to be one of those weeks where it hit me really hard kinda randomly.

overall, i’ve been okay emotionally. not great, but also not bad. just… okay. and i’m more than alright with that.

it’s hard though to not let that anxiety when it does hit me pretty hard and randomly, mess with me and make me feel just super off. it’s like something switches in me when that anxiety starts to get bad and i start to overthink because of it. it’s like it gives my depression a reason to make an appearance and remind me that it’s not only there, but it also likes to make me feel just really terrible about myself.

also, i completely realize that my period is not helping anything so i have to keep reminding myself that all of my emotions are gonna feel a bit more intense because of it. but i’m just so frustrated with myself.

i want to tell myself to stop letting things get to me, to not let my own anxiety and depression have as much control over me as i feel they do, and i want to tell myself to just let it go and relax. but it’s so much easier said than done. i don’t feel like really terrible about myself, right now btw. it’s just that when my anxiety starts to get bad, it reminds me of all the things that i don’t really love about myself and that i am insecure about and makes me think about those things a lot.

and then i start overthinking and idk… i just don’t feel like myself when that happens. i feel like nothing feels real. like i’m in a kind of haze where i’m going through the motions. like i i feel the anxiety, the depression and everything else, but it’s like it’s not really happening to me. it feels like it’s happening to someone else and i’m feeling what they’re feeling.

and i know it’s my depersonalization and derealization anxiety bothering me, but knowing what it is doesn’t always make it easier to deal with. right? like does that happen to anyone else or is that just a me thing?

anyway, i’ve realized with this period that i’ve been dissociating more than i have in a bit. i’m not sure why or what else besides my period is causing it but yeah, i just keep zoning out. i mean i’m not really zoning out when i’m talking to someone, so that’s good. but it does make getting stuff done that i have to for myself, kinda tough.

(i’ll start to get up to take care of the smallest things like doing laundry, and i feel myself get a bit anxious about it and then i just start to zone out. and i have a hard time snapping myself out of it cause i know i don’t want to have to try and take care of what i need to cause it’s making me a little anxious 🤦‍♀️ it’s just a matter of discipline and actually pushing myself to not give in and be lazy. i realize the issue and know what i need to do to change it, i just needed to can’t about that for a moment.)

also, the smallest things (when my anxiety has been getting bad the past few days) like when i feel a vibe is off with someone or i even think for a moment that i may have annoyed someone or made them uncomfortable or may have unintentionally pushed them away or made them feel like they have to pull back from me and need space from me, i start to feel so uncomfortable with myself and so bad about myself. 😣

it’s like those moments when you think about something you’ve done in the past and you cringe at it super hard for way to long, so, you try and think about something else so you can stop focusing on it, but it’s not really working for me.

and i’m cringing at myself in the moment. like i’m cringing at who i am and how i respond to things. i’m cringing at how i feel like i try too hard to make new friends online or how i maybe tried to hard in the past and that those things are happening again and i’m just being weird and annoying. or how i could be coming off as too much and coming across as pushy and too strong and just like a lot, and that i could be making someone uncomfortable.

i’m cringing at the fact that i’m coming off that needy and weird and i’m making myself feel bad for making someone uncomfortable. i don’t ever want to make anyone feel uncomfortable and come off as too much. 😣

i don’t ever want to unintentionally push someone away because i’m being weird and awkward and cringey. but i would also like those things or situations to not make me feel like i’m unlikeable or like i’m a freak cause i just want to be friends with someone and i possibly came across as needy, too excited and too much. like i don’t need to put myself through all that shame and almost punish myself because i don’t deserve that. i’ve worked too hard to start doing that to myself again. i’ve worked too hard and honestly have made too much progress to start shutting myself down and putting myself down again so much so that i go back to being an extreme people pleaser so i can keep people or friends in my life.

idk what else i wanted to say to make all of this make sense. and i’m sorry for rambling and if none of this makes any sense at all. my head is all over the place. i’m just kinda drained mentally and emotionally and while i haven’t been doing much this week, i feel like i don’t deserve to feel that way.

but also, i kinda wanna cut myself some slack because this week has been a little stressful mentally and emotionally, but i also don’t want me cutting myself some slack to come across as me giving myself a free pass to be lazy and unproductive.

i just need to get out of my own head 😅

i need to figure out what i have to do to make that happen and find a way to do it that won’t make my anxiety really bad so i don’t feel like i have to tackle it all at once and feel super overwhelmed by it. cause when that happens, i end up not doing anything at all cause that’s how my anxiety works.

like for real, the moment i start to feel that overwhelmed, i push away. i push away from having to think about whatever it is i’m supposed to be doing, i push away from actually making myself do whatever it is i have to do and i do my best to distract myself and let myself get completely caught up on that distraction or those distractions.

i would just like my brain to give myself a break and let me feel and be normal for a bit lol. and i would like to stop feeling like i’m going crazy or i am legit crazy 😅🤦‍♀️😓

[jadekitty777]

On Your Six, Chapter 1

Okay first of all, did we all coincide the Taiqrow Week with Father’s Day... accidentally? Because that’s secretly genius. 

Secondly, whoops we’re also meshing with Qrowin week - hope y’all are okay to share!

Finally, let’s get down to business. Hi y’all, hope you haven’t missed me too much. Hopefully I can make up for my silence with this absolute beast of a fanfic. This is going to be a single, interconnected story matching the prompts of the entire week. I hope those of you who choose to read it, will enjoy it!

Day 1: Tattoos for @taiqrowweek

Rating: T for this chapter, M for overrall

Words: 2.3k

Summary: Qrow was what most of society would call a small-town criminal. But to those oppressed, he hoped only to be a healer. In an effort to make a change in the world, he moves from kingdom to kingdom, searching for branded omegas in need. His goal? To turn the derogatory words the reformatories forced them to bear on their skin into works of art.

Then one day, his past catches up to him in the form of Taiyang, his former best friend, with a brand of his own stained onto his skin and a plea for help in his eyes. Qrow has no choice but to answer, even if it means he’d have to face his mistakes once and for all.

[An ABO-style universe in a modern-day style Remnant. No Grimm, because people are the real monsters in this one]

Ao3 Link: On Your Marks

~

The day Taiyang walked into his shop, before even a single word was spoken, he knew.

It wasn’t from any particular mannerism. Everyone’s body language was different. A chattering mouth. Averted eyes. A tapping foot. A drooped posture. In the short time Qrow had been doing this, he’d learned no single action could encapsulate the variety in which people expressed their shame.

Yet, not a single one could escape the stench. It was a foul thing. Sharp and smokey, like a tire fire on a junkyard, it lacquered over an omega’s scent so completely that it was near impossible to catch a whiff of the true smell that was originally there.

Even now, as Qrow inspected the damage upon his former friend’s bare back, mere inches away from the man’s scent glands, he couldn’t pick out a hint of the sunflowers and fresh soil that was Tai. Nothing left except the reek of burnt rubber and dishonor.

He didn’t call attention to it, just like he didn’t call attention to the shake in his friend’s shoulders as he placed a hand over the first mark. “This is extensive.”

“I know. But, I didn’t know who else to turn to.” Even as he turned his head to look at him, Tai hunched over a bit, and the brand seared across his shoulder blades stretched with the movement. “You’ll help me, right?”

Qrow’s eyes flitted between watery eyes and stained skin where the word SLUT, all in caps like some mockery of a grand declaration, taunted his every decision since their falling out and left the taste of bile on his tongue.

“Of course.” He promised.

~

It was widely thought that it was a farmer that first came up with branding back during the Early Modern period. Having been “inspired” by the tagging of the cattle which kept them in order, the alpha decided to do the same to omegas, ascertained the same outcome would follow. The practice was later adopted by prisons and other corrective facilities. Back then, it was merely a way of keeping track of those who had been in and out of the system by searing the skin with an iron that had the center’s insignia on it.

Advancements to the printing press and mail systems did away with that particular need, but while the jails abolished the practice, reformatories did not, releasing studies that claimed the procedure resulted in more ‘proper’ and ‘desired’ behaviors in omegas and were absolutely critical to full rehabilitation.  Despite newer evidence showing these original claims were likely falsified simply for convenience and often actually had a devastating effect on an omega’s psyche, the three-century long old policy had yet to be abolished from the system.

The most the outcries had done the past few decades was change the method on which the ‘brand’ was applied. Instead of an iron, it was done with a tattoo needle and instead of an insignia, it became a single word that was like a permanent reminder of what landed the omega in the facility to begin with. The stench was caused by the use of the chemically enhanced ink that made it impossible for laser technology to fully remove.

In short, if an omega wanted the mark gone, their only choice was to cut out their own skin. Most, like his mother, accidentally killed themselves trying.

Which led to where Qrow was today, trying to shake things up in the only way he knew how. So, he jumped off society’s grid, took up a needle and his drawing skills, and turned the marks into works of art. More importantly, he gave the omegas who came to his door a way to recover and take back their lives.

He just never thought Tai would be one of them.

Once he’d taken the pictures he needed and Tai’s shirt was back on, things were relaxed enough he could brew some tea. As he handed the other man his cup, Qrow finally asked, “So, how’d you find me?”

“Wasn’t that hard.” He replied, fingers wrapping around the porcelain. “The omegas back at the reformatory would whisper before bed. It didn’t take me long to figure out they were talking about you.”

Qrow froze, trying to hide his trepidation. “Oh? They say my name?”

Tai snorted. “Not your name, but a name.” His expression turned cheeky. “Don’t worry though. Only someone who knows Harbinger used to be your Relics & Wyverns character could put the pieces together.”

“Ah, can it!” He barked as a flush worked its way up his neck. Still, tension drained from him. While there were no laws that specifically stated what an omega was required to do with their mark after their rehabilitation was complete, if he was caught tampering with it for them, he knew the courts could claim he was willfully interfering with a person’s emotional stability. Might even get him on a few counts of practicing mental health care without a license too.

Still, he didn’t particularly want to be sent to the slammer, which was why he worked so hard to keep to the underground. Never told anyone his name. Moved often. Kept minimal contact with clients. Whatever it took to make sure only the people who needed to find him could.

“I’m glad that you’re doing alright for yourself.” Tai said, giving a cursory glance to the shoddy working space that doubled as his apartment. Beyond his tattoo kit, he rarely took much with him when he relocated. Sometimes he got lucky on the accommodations and the place would already be partially furnished, other times he had to make do with what he could afford from the nearest thrift store.

This place was one of those latter times. He had a mattress on the torn up box spring with a chipped nightstand beside it, a circular, rickey table with two chairs for the dining room, a fairly barren kitchen area, and a slightly beat-up leather recliner for the clients.

It wasn’t hard to see Tai was really reaching as he said, “Your place is… nice?”

It was Qrow’s turn to snort. “At least be honest and tell me I live in a shithole.”

“I was not going to – okay, yeah it is kind of a shithole. But, you’re eating okay and everything, right?”

What an omega. “Yes mom, I’m getting my three squares a day and I’m even brushing my teeth before bed.” He lent back, the plastic chair creaking underneath as he did so. “But you didn’t exactly come here to critique my living conditions. Think there’s a lot more important stuff to talk about, don’t you?”

Suddenly, the tea was much more interesting than his face. “Yeah. Right. Um, guess there’s a lot to catch you up on, huh? You don’t even know about-”

“Whoa, hold up a sec.” He quickly interrupted. “Let’s get one thing straight: I don’t ask for any of my clients’ stories unless they feel like sharing. Some do, some don’t. But my help doesn’t come with any strings attached.” He met his gaze, stressing the next part carefully, “Even if they’re friends, okay?”

Tai still seemed to hesitate. “But, don’t you want to know about Yang?”

Of course, he did. He had about a thousand and one questions whirling through his head. But that didn’t matter right now. “You ready to talk about her?”

For the second time that day, tears shimmered in Tai’s eyes. He looked away quickly, saying nothing.

Yeah. He figured as much.

“Then no.” Qrow cleared his throat some. “Besides, I’m still a total disaster when it comes to handling people when they cry.”

That one, at least, earned him a weak chuckle.

“Some things never change?” Tai said with a sniff, rubbing the corner of his eyes with the heel of his hand.

“If it ain’t broke…” He shrugged. “Anyways, what I meant was, how do you want to change up that lil’ blemish a’yours?”

“I, uh, I don’t know. What do you normally do?”

“Turn it into a single design. But, I’ve never had to work on one so large before. That thing’s taking up about half of your back. Still doable, just… more difficult.” It was easy to busy his designs enough the word got lost under all the rest. Working on a scale of this size though, there weren’t many things he could think of that would both look nice and cover up the word. “Not to mention, we’ll have to take a lot of breaks, so your skin can heal.”

“How long do you think it would take?”

“Well, with three weeks between each session and the scale and details… probably nine to twelve months?”

Tai’s face fell. “Oh.”

“Something wrong?”

“Oh, no I mean…” He sighed. “I was just, kind of hoping it would be done before October, is all. Before the kids come home.”

Kids?!

As in plural?!

Qrow had to bite his tongue to physically stop himself from breaking his own rule. Took a deep, steadying breath.

Okay. That was six months away. There was no way. Unless…

“Well, we could make it four separate designs. One for each letter. That way I could work on one side and then the other while it’s healing. If we meet every week, should be doable. Gonna be some long hours under the needle for you though.”

Tai lit up just like the sun he was named after. “I can handle it. I’ll do anything. Oh-! We could even make it four dragons, couldn’t we?”

Qrow barked out a laugh. “I mean yeah, if that’s what you want. Give me your scroll deets. I’ll work up some designs over the next few days and send them to you.” As he pulled out his device to input the information, he added, “We gotta work out a schedule too. What days are RO?”

“She visits on Tuesdays and Saturdays right now. It’ll go down to once a week pretty soon. I’m also TA-ing at Sanctum Middle, so weekdays are pretty full.”

It was all par for the course. Even after doing time at the reformatory, omegas still had to have frequent visits from their rehabilitation officer, to make sure they were keeping a steady job and homelife. That meant good evaluations from his superiors and a living space that looked like not even a speck of dust had had a chance to touch down. This was especially important for omegas like Tai, who would have to fight for every top mark he got. If he failed to, the RO would claim he was still unfit to raise his own children and keep them in the fostering system.

Qrow knew that was the reason for the six-month time limit. He had no doubt that once Tai was out of parole and had his pups back, he’d be hightailing it out of the kingdom. But for the RO to still be visiting at that frequency… “Did you come looking for me right after you got out?”

“I-” The tea had become interesting again. And cold. “Yeah. I knew you were working out of Mistral, and Atlas allows for transfers to Argus.”

At this rate, his tongue was probably going to have indents from his incisors. Once he knew he wasn’t going to start prying or, worse yet, shouting at Tai - because really how stupid could he be?! – he opened his mouth and said, “So, Sundays then?”

For the first time in nearly six years, Tai smiled at him. “Sounds perfect.”

~

For the next few days, Qrow did nothing but draw. Whether it was with a buzzing needle or a pencil, his hand was rarely empty. Even as he downed his morning coffee or spun his suppertime noodles onto his fork, his other hand was moving over a sheet of paper, his muse on overdrive as he tried to pick out the perfect designs for each letter. By nightfall, he was sending at least half a dozen pages full of sketches to Tai, then checking his phone every five minutes as he impatiently anticipated his reply.

It didn’t actually matter where they started, because once they decided on which letter was going first, Qrow’s focus would narrow to the second one over. The tricky thing was, Tai had always been the type who was simple to please – well before a reformatory could ever drill that lesson into him. Even when they were young, whether it was a question of what game they wanted to play or what food they wanted to eat, Tai would almost always just grin and say ‘whatever you want’. Which meant, every sketch was perfect and Qrow had to work twice as hard to actually find something he truly fell in love with.

He knew he finally struck gold for S when Tai figured out how to use the circling tool on his scroll and sent the shot back with an exuberantly loud ‘THIS ONE’, followed by a horrendous amount of exclamation points.

Qrow had never felt prouder.

It was a small effort to resketch the piece in full and line it. Adding color was more challenging, as he had to balance what looked nice with the limitations of his inks. But leaving it without was absolutely not an option. Not for someone who used to decorate his walls with paintings of tropical beaches and autumn-locked forests and had had a Crayola box spectrum of begonias sitting on his windowsill in his childhood room. Tai was a man who radiated a rainbow both in his life and in his heart. To try to dull that by leaving him in nothing but blacks and grays was a crime Qrow wasn’t willing to commit.

Besides, the design wouldn’t translate well without it.

So, he kept working at it until he knew it was just right. When the omega’s excitement only seemed to grow, he knew his labor was over.

[freezeriafan]

how do you draw Allan? Any specific details? I just love your rendition of him so much

SNXSJSHSHAJXJNSHSBA Thank you??!! I know I draw him looking goofy as hell but I'm glad you like it !! 💚

As for specific details uh... well I know when I first started drawing him I would only draw him like he was really STRESSED.. like really QUICK lines... big eyes... just like NXJJSH you know. Just like BCKKSJA. BLBLVLLZNNCJSJnnxjsjxhhzbhvhdj

And that’s pretty much where his look comes from now. Rather than honing in on the details, like making him built like an actual greaser guy or attempting a reasonable pompadour, I was just likeNSHDHSJSJA to get through it bc I was so excited to be drawing Allan from papa louie I could not afford to stop to THINK about it.

But I’m CONCEITED so I put together some shitty mspaint tips AS WELL >:3 (I’ll put a transcription under each image in case it’s illegible)

1. LET LOOSE BABEY!!!!

THESE ARE NOT GOOD but I want to show the “fhdjfcdyfgjgncfcbjs” [not a verbatim keysmash] of it.... really gotta LET LOOSE you know. TO HELL with how it looks we’re making this one sloppy messy.

(Listening to “Live To Love Another Day” by Smash Mouth HELPS) (It has to be kind of loud though) (to get the full effect)

*Note how close his EYES are. His actual character design calls for an eye gap but I just think that he looks more CRAZED if they’re touching.

2. THEM LINES...

The next big thing that I try to do is to have the back of his neck line up with the back of his head, and then to continue on into the hair.

This is also why I usually draw his hair as just one swoop - it’s all the same line :)

3. Some Proportion Stuff

[Green:] All of Allan’s hair is piled up on top of his head, and while I have no proof of this, I like to think that it affects the weight distribution of his design. He’s top heavy, with big hair and a big chest.

[Green left:] I gave him beefy arms here and his hair is just MASSIVE

[Handwriting:] 48% HAIR WOW / Sorry my stabilizer doesn’t work lol / Built like a Dorito(tm) / (the green triangle has ‘WIDE” written at the top and “SMALL” at the bottom) / (The purple shape has “symmetrical (more or less)” written by it)

[Purple:] When I was on my Jacklyn bullshit, my favorite thing to do was to have her bottom hair match her top hair, so that they were proportional. Furthermore, she is built more like an hourglass, with her top and bottom relatively equal :D

YOU DIDN’T ASK BUT I feel like the Jackie stuff is more obvious ands helps to clarify the Allan stuff above

[WHAT I WAS TRYING TO POINT OUT IN THIS SECTION is that there are parallels between the hair and the build. Big hair on top? Big body on the top. Yeah]

4. OTHER STUFF

Square hands!! Check the contrast between Allan’s hands and Roy’s/Lisa’s hands. Even if they’re shitty [the rule still applies]

I try to draw his mouth starting at the edge of his face if I can! I like how it looks! Bonus points if you can fit the teeth sticking out !

ALSO I draw his lip like this “>” a lot which you can probably see

---

I hope that’s all legible and coherent??! Obvs you can click on the pictures to make them bigger as well... 

But anyway THANKS for giving me an excuse to talk about myself!! ALWAYS a pleasure and I hope that this helped?? :D

[tarot28]

WHY I LOVE MAKING SPREADS AND HOW I DO IT :)

One of my favorite parts of learning how to read tarots is the creativity and flexibility in the spread like you can have 1 card or so so many and then where you put them matters and holds significance and I just think it’s so beautiful.  I found that designing spreads is really calming and kinda meditative in some sense.  I’d like to thank @hillbillyoracle bc I read through so many of their resources and they’re amazing and I use their compass kinda looking method and anyway here’s a run down of how I make spreads :)

Summarize down the prompt/situation/question What’s the big question or situation?  Like what’s really going on and by the end of the reading if there’s one thing you want to really know what would that be?

This shouldn’t be the hardest part of the process at all.  I start classes tomorrow for the fall semester so I’m using my beginning of semester spread as an example through out the post.  My main question is what is the semester going to look like.  If we want to be more specific then I’d rephrase this to “how can I have the best semester possible?”

Break it down and chunk it up We have the big picture - a successful semester summary.  What contributes to that?  In my sophomore year of high school, I took AP US History and my teacher always looked at argument planning as a stool.  Like the seat is the big picture but the legs that hold it up and contribute to its stability are the details or smaller, integral pieces.  

In most of my spreads I include like a general outlook.  I’m also gonna include one in this spread.  This is my first card and is like the vibe of the semester.  My own personal beliefs here are that the semester is gonna fall between x and y degrees of success, so I have control but it’s limited by the best I can do and the worst I can do and other external factors.  So this is a loose interpretation of the whole fall semester and will read as a vague negative or positive.  This card is usually helpful to ease my deck and myself into the reading - like a warm up.

My first thought when I break down my question in this case is what would stop me from having a good semester.  Then how would I get over it?  Right there are gonna be two cards in my reading - a challenge card and an approach to a solution card.  I prefer to define this solution card as an approach to a solution because in most cases, it’s not a quick fix, so I want my reading to reflect that.

Next, I know that personally, the habits, routines, or behaviors I have heavily influence my semester.  Last fall I had a horrible semester, like mostly C’s and D’s, but this past spring semester and in the class I took for summer session were all A’s.  I know that the difference wasn’t in the classes I took, but more in my habits and the people I surrounded myself with.  In short these are all things I had control over.  My next three cards are things I should leave behind/that won’t be helpful this semester, things that are working for me and will help, and then anything that I should add in that will benefit me.  This is a release, keep, drop drawing in short.

This 6 card reading feels like enough.  Sometimes I throw in a general advice card, but I think those last 3 cards are advice enough.

Compass kinda looking method This is the post that really made spreads make sense to me!  If you read through it, there’s an basic XY axis you’ll see in any math class and they aspects are assigned to the extremes of each axis.  This gives you a framework to hang the cards on, and it makes literally so much sense and is one of those mind blowing things that is just so simple when you really look at it.

I keep track of all my spreads in a google doc because they save automatically and I’m very forgetful.  I add a new section for a spread in my doc, name the spread and then open the drawing tool.  I use it because it’s easy to move things around and change whatever I think needs to be changed before and after my reading.  I’d been sleeping on the drawing tool for so long, so I took a realllllly blurry screenshot of where it is in docs:

I start with a text box on the right side and list the different cards I’m using in each spread.  I don’t really touch the layout of the cards too much until I’ve come up with all the cards I want.  Then I make a text box that looks like a little card and number them and then lay them where I want.  As I’m doing this, I kinda keep the compass in mind for the situation I’m currently reading for and lay out the cards in a way that makes sense according to the compass but in a way that also has like good flow to it.

So this is the spread I ended up with.  Again, my list/key of the cards in my spread is on the right and my diagram is on the left.  If we were to ascribe a strict axis to this spread, the farther up the y axis you go, the less control I have over my semester.  I explained this earlier, but this is my outlook card.  I have limited control but it’s not out of my hands.  The more negative you go on the y axis, the more control.  I put my keep card here because I’m already doing this and it’s good for me and helpful, so I’ve got whatever this aspect is like completely under wrap.  The farther left you go on the x axis, the farther in the past we go.  This is what to drop for a successful semester.  I wanna leave whatever that sucker is behind!  The card for the challenge is next because I’m encountering it with the intent to overcome and leave it behind me.  In the future leaning cards are the solution approach and the what to add card.  The solution approach is gonna push me into the future and is going to maybe leave me with useful skills for later in life.  What to add is in a similar vein.  This is gonna really have long term positive impacts for my semester ideally.

The end! That was so long, but I think it was worth doing and I’m really proud of it and myself :)  Again, so much props to @hillbillyoracle​ !!! Amazing resources and one of the first people I started following on here :)

[energyanon]

Thanks so much for your feedback on my HC energy reading! I'm still very new to this and have only previously tried with family members. I got interested in it originally after my mom and I discovered that we had a telepathic sort of connection and I was able to sense that my sister was pregnant before she even knew herself.

I don't blame you for not wanting to get involved in the family constellations. Even thinking about it makes my head spin. I suspect there is a lot going on there. I actually tried to read NV at one point too and felt a sense of a door being slammed. I took that as a signal that I wasn't welcome and left it there. I get bad vibes from Dany at a surface level, so I'm too afraid to try to interact with her energy at my current level of experience, but I can see where she would definitely be an energy vampire.

For the divine counterpart, I saw in the cards that HC *must* begin the work on himself first. That is a required step on his healing journey. I clarified this to be sure I was reading it correctly. I also got that she is someone who has been through some stuff and is currently doing her own self work. Both of them must do the work in order to meet. They will then support each other on the remaining part of their respective journeys, but neither is currently capable of offering that support to the other. The work *must* be done.

It's interesting that you mention strength because that is actually one of the cards I pulled. I was able to see some of her other characteristics that I think would be very valuable in dealing with someone like HC who has a tendency to mask or bury things. I won't go into specific details because I agree with others about FS readings and the tendency of some people to try to fit that mold when it isn't their truth. I will say that they do seem to be very different in many ways, which is good because he has the potential to provide her with stability, while she has the ability to be more of a nurturer (not in a weird mother issues sort of way, but in an encouraging partner way) but also stand her ground when necessary. I also saw her helping him to see things outside of his bubble. To use his words, she could help him become more "enlightened" (but for real this time). In a way, I really want them to find each other because I'd be so interested to see this connection. But HE will have to do the work. I agree 100%. His happiness is his own responsibility. He needs to stop trying to outsource love and start working to become the sort of person who is worthy of the kind of partner he wants/needs.

It's also funny that you mention not taking on their energy during readings. I have felt jittery and anxious for days since I did my reading and couldn't figure out why. I've also gotten a few weird flashes of energy (similar in nature to what I felt during the reading) that I didn't initiate, which left me a little unsettled. Have you ever had that happen?

Can they sense us accessing their energy? My mom doesn't know when I receive her energy at the time when I get unexpected "blips" from her, and I've always asked permission when I've previously tried to read another's energy. HC was my first stranger reading, and I think I'll wait a while before attempting that again. 🤣

Anyway, thanks again so very much for your feedback and all of your amazing posts!!

Ooo! I had the same thing with my sister in law! It's cool how that works huh! It's not so much that I don't want to get involved in it, it's what I do, but i'll only do constellations for people that have asked for it, cause you spend all this time and energy on the damn thing and if they're not doing the work to then move forward it's all for nothing. Also, once again, permissions would be needed, cause if there was anything to heal, you'd be potentially changing the family dyanmic. Great practice to just get out of the reading when it's no longer welcome to you. And I agree, I have 0 need to be in Danys head either. Super pumped about this DC reading though, two people doing the work and finding love through it is always a nice story. Lets just hope Henry can step up his game so that he's worthy of the woman who's putting the effort in to heal herself too. I have had the weird flashes before, it just means that you either 1. haven't ended the reading officially and released yourself from that person and 2. you may be too open to other energies atm. You need to find your own process to close this off and "cleanse", but that's a bit of a personal ritual that is up to you, but 100% you need to do it, so do work on that if you can. You don't want to be doing this for someone and they actually have horrific energy and it clings to you, its happened to me before and it was a tough one to get out of. I actually just answered that question about them feeling us, it is below, but in short, it's no :) You're giving them access to you more so than you are by reading them. We can also chat in messenger nonnie if its easier! I can help you with how to close the channel if you need! :)

[prodigiousvisions]

Headcanon/Divergence? [1] (Yosano): Childhood, The Great War, and life after the war.

Initial disclaimer and semi-related note(s)–

So if part of this looks familiar to you, that’s probably because you read it before in its original, rudimentary state. I have quite a few regrets of impulsively deleting my Yosano blog (vivificamortem) tbh due to having an episode, and one of them was not saving the original post of this when I first wrote it. That being said I still think it’s important enough to warrant a rewrite even if I don’t exactly recall the specifics. As this eventually becomes very Fukuzawa and Ranpo orientated/centric, I just want to make it clear this will not apply to your respective muses of these two unless we discuss it. These are considered backstory supplements and characterizations of Yosano and Yosano’s main verse. She does not have mains for Ranpo or Fukuzawa at this time, and I usually... don’t do mains? But for specifics like this, this would probably apply to potential, future mains and warrant mains of these two. If that makes sense. Anyway. This will also include a bunch of new HC details I didn’t have before.

I was going to be mean and not put this under a cut lol but I’ll be merciful since it is extremely thorough and lengthy. 2,300+ words lengthy, and that’s not including this disclaimer. I know I asked people to read this once finished but realistically I cannot ask that in good conscious unless you are genuinely interested/care and actually are into BSD lol. Fleshed out details+conceptualized explanations/characterization below. Content/mention warnings for suicide ideation + attempts, and neglect.

CHILDHOOD

Yosano was an only child. She was not a beloved child, a planned child, nor a wanted child. Her parents would have been inclined to give her away instantly had they not compromised to raise her as a sort of... ‘help’ for the couple’s wagashi shop. It was a regret far before the first sleepless night when she was a baby, but they decided to grin and bear it. Raising Yosano was an arduous task and they made it very clear in how they behaved toward her as she was growing up. Saying that she was simply neglected wouldn’t even begin to describe it. In response to this, as a young girl Yosano developed a loud, brash personality that would more often than not get her in trouble both at school and with her parents. Being punished was never fun, but at least it garnered their attention for a little while before they went back to essentially ignoring her presence. Her adapted personality would not lead to any fruition for her lonely soul at school either, most kids finding her annoying, scary, or would simply view her in scorn for being so outspoken and strange. She began to believe the outlook of her parents: her only use was to be a shopkeep of the family business. The girl debated with herself often what was the worth of life, what was the point to live, if not to live and be frowned down upon at every other moment. Troubled and depressed, Yosano tries her hardest to cope, keeping her chin up but her eyes glued to the floor when in seclusion.

At some point or another Yosano and her parents find out about her ability and the extent of it all. It freaks Yosano out at the start, thinking about how ridiculous it is that someone who contemplated on a daily basis what they truly benefited out of being alive could potentially alter the fate of someone’s life and grant them a second chance. Then for once, she finds worth in herself. It wasn’t something she could actively go and show off of course, but it gave her a purpose. Her dramatized exterior of self-entitlement and loudmouthedness proceeds on of course, but her outlook begins to shift. She has hope. She can do something good for people. And have a (figurative) place doing so. 

This new purpose was an open door opportunity not only for Yosano, but her parents as well. At the first opportunity to do so as they are tired of taking care of this child, they’re quick to send her off, knowing how valuable that ability and its potential was. In this case, it was the military (either catching wind of her ability or deciding to now call on her due to the necessary role in their war strategy) demanding for Yosano to take part personally. It was a ridiculously easy feat to get their permission to send her away. She was technically no longer their responsibility while she was away. Hell, they hoped she would never come back.

She wouldn’t. And that was that. That was the last time she ever saw and would be in contact with her parents.

THE GREAT WAR

It’s worth reminding everyone that Yosano was a child, and the gravity of her new circumstances didn’t quite dawn on her before it was too late. At the start, she was excited to show that she could have worth and be surrounded by people that would appreciate her for what she did. It would be the first time in all of her life that would happen. And it is for these very reasons that she has such strong, genuine, sincere reactions during the chapters/times she is midst the war. While maintaining her semi huffy and self-imposed air, she was also able to allow it to falter a little because for once, she didn’t need to resort to that to be paid attention to. In their initial praise, it did freak her out at first, the foreignness being so strange to her. But she appreciated it, she truly did. (Note: this obviously doesn’t apply to Mori lol.) The unnamed soldier that Yosano interacts with at this time especially strikes a chord with her. His kindness makes her think that maybe if she was fortunate enough, she would have liked to have someone like that as a brother. Maybe someone like that could have stopped the pain she’d endured with her parents. But that was in the past! He was lending her more toward the perspective of hope just as he told her that she was doing for him and the other soldiers. The creation of the butterfly clip, again, freaks her out because she’s unsure how to react to kind gestures. It is the first of its kind– a present, meaningful in its weight and sentiment in a way that she would learn later would continue to influence her life in various, monumental ways. His present interest in poetry is also something that Yosano would find herself enjoying, too. At the time.

Honestly, I really don’t even think it’s worth elaborating on Mori cause. Well. That whole ordeal speaks for itself. His manipulation and obsession grosses her out at its minimum / start and would later be the colossal trigger and collapse of her mental stability and lead to lasting trauma even as an adult. But anyways, back to other details worth note in this timeframe.

The war efforts proceed and we reach the point where things are looking grim and soldiers are getting near fatally injured faster, and coming back in droves. She realizes rather quickly that she bit off more than she can chew; to have to bear witness to these men being on the brink of death and quickly ‘revive’ them like some sort of automated robot would, naturally, mess up anyone. Her haughty behavior drops quickly as she becomes more quiet, tired, horror creeping up her body gradually in the form of slowly raising goosebumps. She’s wondering when the war will be over, and starts to second guess her purpose. Is what she’s doing right? But she’s not hit rock bottom, not yet at least, as the unnamed soldier reassures her the second instance. He relays how her saving him would bring him back to his family. He tells her: “I’m glad that you’re here.” And it makes way for Yosano’s first instance of ever crying in front of someone, feeling an overwhelming amount of gratitude to being seen and the need to trudge forward to protect. Protect those who had a life to return to. He’d been living proof of the importance of life– that life wasn’t always so cruel to others, that she had a chance to be surrounded by those who cared about her too. She cries in her vulnerability.

Things turn for the worst. Every day is a living nightmare. She can wipe away blood from her body, others’ body, but she will never be clean of the endless pools of blood that stained her hands after her treatments. Even at the age of 11, she comes to the realization that she is the single force that shackles all these people to the torture of having to throw themselves into battle again and again for futile efforts. She’s on the brink of a nervous breakdown constantly, but consoles herself with the thought that the unnamed soldier will be able to tell her it’s alright, maybe even help her figure out a way to get them all out of there. Yosano doesn’t want her ability, hell, she’d opt to having no purpose over this. She would trade her life for all of these people. She just needed this to stop. It’s all her fault. 

The person who was the embodiment of her last shred of sanity and piece of hope commits suicide and dubs her the Angel of Death, and that was her final breaking point. The sliver of belief that providing good for people and having a purpose is ultimately gone. Her worldview that she started to have hope for shatters. It was a cumulative, gradual raise of hope for a better life to have it all smashed to the ground. This tied in with the actual events she lived through, clearly, do not help. Trauma blocks it out of her memory later on, but there are plentiful, deliberate suicide attempts from the young girl afterward, wanting out of this hell that her own hands allowed to bear fruit, but for various circumstances and reasons, her attempts would not work and/or she would simply not be allowed to die at Mori’s hands. She is a hysterical, screaming, crying mess until she is no longer able to cry anymore. If not suicide, then alternative methods. Yosano would attempt to blow the ship up with the explosives that were stored at the bottom – it would have been a far crueler end than prolonging everyone’s destined death, but ultimately fails at that as well. 

LIFE AFTER THE WAR

She is apprehended and taken away to an institution where she spends three years in a void of a space, living on earth as if her spirit has long been faded. She is a shell of a person, succumbed to her own despair and doing the absolute bare minimum. Humanity only ever makes itself present in jaded eyes that blink sometimes and the agonizingly slow rise and fall of her chest to indicate that somehow, she was breathing. Living, but not alive. Not really, anyway. She may as well be rotting away, unkempt, unpure, and wishing life would simply put her out of her misery. Devoid of any hope, feeling death would be a start of repenting for her crimes. But it was never that easy. Why would it be? 

Ranpo and Fukuzawa rescue her. We all know how that goes. Let’s touch on some details of after that. 

After rescuing her, the duo have Yosano reside with them in Fukuzawa’s apartment. While Ranpo and Fukuzawa managed to recover a glimmer of hope in Yosano by rescuing her alone, the hope is discarded as she feels she is unworthy of it and they essentially are put in a position where they have to rehabilitate her. These two people cared enough about her to try to help her– she can see it, despite going about like a walking corpse some days. But guilt is overbearing, suffocating, and it shakes her down with constant night terrors that she is too drained to scream at as well as frequent moments where she blacks out without prompting. At this time, the butterfly clip she dares not to remove from her person is a reminder, a grim heavy burden she forces herself to carry on her shoulders that she was not a good person and that this was her karma and hers alone. She should not forget that no matter how good intentioned Ranpo and Fukuzawa were to her. There was absolutely at least one more time she attempted to take her life. Needless to say, it’s a painstakingly slow process, taking about a full year before Yosano can even start to really improve outside of talking to them here and there. 

(I feel like this behavior / state is EXTREMELY similar to how Kyouka starts off as, too, so my Yosano would definitely take to Kyouka more strongly than some others. But that is an entirely different conversation for some other time.)

Once she gets to a point where she can process things again and forcing herself to come to terms with the fact that these two will simply not allow her to remain dormant, Ranpo takes to tutoring her to help get her back on track to where she left off in her schooling, as she was getting stable enough to where Fukuzawa had confidence she could get better. This process was also slow, but Ranpo is quite the good teacher when he wants to be! The endeavor is a success, and she is able to enroll again in public school, where she is still piecing together why she was granted this second chance at life. It feels pitifully ironic, all things considered. As time does, it also grants an opportunity for growth and change. Eventually, she gradually shakes her way out of her shell at snail’s pace. Some days were still harder than others, of course. Getting poetry assignments would make Yosano have full on anxiety attacks where the only solutions of getting her to calm down were to have Ranpo or Fukuzawa at her side, or if at school and neither were present, to be sent home. These instances lessened over time, thankfully, and the episodes would turn to bitter, depressing moments where Yosano would tense up and try to pass it off to Ranpo if she was able in a way that while seemed lukewarm in how she expressed it, certainly held its weight of obvious trauma. 

(She never liked to talk about her issues. Never. And instead almost always opted for distractions as her method of coping. It is a major flaw of hers that you can absolutely call her out for even in present time.)

Yosano will never truly return to being 100% normal, but that’s fine, as she really was never at 100% anyway. Schooling in its own right helped her cope with things and served as a distraction from negative thoughts, and she found herself enjoying it and studying harder than ever before. Assisting in the preliminaries of helping around the detective agency also allowed her to grow into the figurative seat that Ranpo saved just for her. No longer did she have to be abrasive to garner people’s attention, either, becoming more comfortable with an occasional snarky tongue when the situation allowed it, and slowly being allowed to live as herself for the first time. It was truly shocking to see that people liked her for her and not the potential of weaponizing the dangerous ability that she had. Once more was her ambition to help people reignited, but it would be done on her own terms. Compelled by her convictions as schooling was coming to a close, she decided that she would go to pursue higher education at a university while formally getting a degree to become a doctor. It is then when she got accepted that her new self would truly shine, becoming as close as she could to be at peace. This endeavor was sped up to lightning fast speeds because of her drilled in skill of being all the more studious and essentially holding the knowledge of what it entailed already.

Not necessarily integral details, but while in university, she did pick up the hobbies of taking up Kickboxing Classes as well as Dance Classes and are longstanding interests of hers that she maintains even after finishing her schooling. These, too, serve(d) as time slot distractions to keep her thoughts at bay when her mind decided to be a little cruel to her at some moments. Poetry no longer leaves a bitter taste in her mouth and is now a newfound interest of hers. She even writes poetry of her own at times. As of present time, her butterfly clip is still a symbol of burden she chooses to carry and a reminder, but it is also representative of metamorphosis, a chance at a new beginning– a new life. That there was value in life, and that you should live on for those who could not.

[cutebutstillsingle]

... you mean designed to be deleted because the people at @Hinge are not the brightest crayons in the box?

I violated nothing, let me assure you. I have a master’s degree, I’m a perfectly upstanding citizen who was genuinely on Hinge hoping to engage in some harmless socialization with good men.  I wasn't even on there with the intention of seeking a romantic relationship after learning from my last bf (found on Hinge) that shit can’t be moving too quickly. You really gotta take your time with dudes these days. 

So here’s what went down when I reactivated my Hinge account this time, in 2021... 

Within one week of firing up a Hinge account I got Catfished and lied to three times. The first was by a person who didn’t mention they had children, until the baby showed up on the video date-from-home chat. Second, by a guy who looked nothing like his fucking pictures OK? Homie was a good 200 pounds bigger than the person in the photograph, looked nothing like the person in the photo except by maybe ethnicity, and even during the date-from-home video he refused to ever put the camera lower than to allow me to see the top third of his face, while blaming the strange angle on the lighting.  And then, the third, and the worst —I got tooth-fished. By which I mean unfortunately the dude was legit missing multiple front teeth. Which of course did not come across in his photos on his Hinge profile.

No offense to anyone toothless out there, but if you are toothless in your 30s and beyond, you should know by that age to get some dental work done. And if you’re cruising around hiding the fact that you’re the father of a toddler, or that you’re 200 pounds heavier than the photos you choose to put on your dating profile, I don’t know what to say about your mental stability and/or social intelligence. Except that you are lying.  You’re lying to the people on Hinge and you’re lying to yourself and in profound denial about your true state. 

To make a long story short, I’m sure it was one of these guys I had to un-hinge from who likely reported fake violations and got my account shut down. 

But getting banned Hinge did make me realize that as a woman, we need to craft our profile much more mindfully.  Because apparently at any moment’s notice you can get banned by the app without a reason, investigation, or warning.  And God only knows  who’s “reporting” your profile, or what is happening to your information and photographs.  For all you know, the 300 pound creepers with kids they’re hiding and no teeth are screenshooting all of your information, and doing who the hell knows with it. There is theoretically nothing stopping a creepy ass dude from taking all of your photos and turning them into another fake profile or throwing it up on some other website. Who the hell knows what any of these social media apps do with the world’s photos and information, is the point. 

That being said, here is my advice: 

-Leave  off any obvious identifiers that would easily allow yourself to be noticed in public if you don’t want the bitter rejected gentleman callers to be able to spot me in public. Or sex traffickers. Real talk. Listen up, ladies. 

- leave your rare breed pets off the account.

- leave all kids’ faces off dating profiles. I don’t even know how it’s legal for dating sites to allow children’s faces on them; even if it is your very own child, that’s not the point.  The reality is that sex traffickers can memorize you, screenshot that photo, and stalk you and your child at Walmart. Sex trafficking is so real in my state. It is a MAJOR problem. 

- Never, ever  feature your car on your dating profile. This should be sound advice for men, too. I know you males love to floss your vehicles cause dudes are obsessed with cars-- yeah maybe stop doing that. 

- For the love of god never, ever put your last name on a dating profile & maybe even shorten your first name or deliberately misspell a rare name so that stalkers don’t background check yo ass.  If they ask you “is that your real name?” let them believe whatever they want.  The only people who are safe to put a complete name on a dating site are men in the military. Because they know how to operate firearms and how to engage in hand-to-hand combat when they’re in a situation of danger.  The average woman? Not so much. Even those of you men who ARE soldier dads-- don’t put your firs and last name on that shit and make your children vulnerable to sex traffickers. 

- Don’t give people locational details, tell them where you work, or what businesses you own. You can say what industry you work in; so something like “Jenny. Teacher at Public School”. A guy who owns a very specifically-named health bar/ smoothie bowl business in my city told me he was the owner of what he claimed was a family business.  And he failed to realize that he is mixing business and personal life with complete strangers from the internet. If he makes a poor impression, or we don’t end up vibing, I can’t ever go into that business ever again, yenno? And I really like that business. So I made it clear that I would prolly not pursue anything. And I suggested he not tell girls the name of his (family) business, for the business’ sake. 

- Never use your actual phone number as you are getting to know guys from dating sites. Two words: google voice. if you meet up IRL and he is safe & cool, then he may earn your real number thereafter.

- Be extra cautious with travelers. Many men vacation-date. Hell, I’ve vacation-dated, many times (domestically, not internationally).  And you do not know who those fools really are. They could be married. They could have criminal records. Not only are they complete strangers but they are complete strangers from different states. Pay attention to the details they give you. for example, I was talking to a guy on Hinge who said he was a doctor. And then he said he got a Covid test from CVS in order to prepare for his trip to my state. His hometown listed one location, and then he said he lived in another state. I’m the kind of woman who pays attention to these kinds of details. If the man is a medical doctor, why would he need a Covid test from CVS? Would he not be able to get one from the hospital he works at??? Why is Hinge more concerned about people’s ‘hometown’ then they are with someone’s city of residence, yenno? Just me? 

Anyway, I hope these safety tips keep you safer out there as you navigate the treacherous seas of online dating. And now you all know that Hinge will spontaneously delete your account at random if they feel like it.  Maybe Hinge deleting my account unfairly is a blessing in disguise...

[mor-beck-more-problems]

Juice Box || Morgan & Cece

TIMING: Current

PARTIES: @thebickedwitchoftherest & @mor-beck-more-problems

SUMMARY: Oh, right. The box. The box from Roy. The box stolen specifically from Roy. Roy’s box.

CONTAINS: ex-roomie shenanigans

Morgan would have gone to see Cece after she was out of the hospital anyway. She felt awful about what had happened at the morgue, and how it had probably cost her a friend, at least for a while. And then there was whatever weird pain and damage a banshee scream would have on human ears. Something like guilt twisted in her stomach as she adjusted in her old spot on the couch and set her water glass on Cece’s coffee table. This wasn’t anything directly to do with her, but she could probably afford to be a better friend than she had been lately. But maybe a little magic research would be a good distraction from the awfulness around them. They’d had enough adventures like this before, maybe Morgan was just feeling nostalgic for earlier times. “So,” she said, nodding at the box, which sat perched on a stack of books she’d brought over. “Any ideas?”

After the morgue incident, Cece was happy to relax at home with something to distract herself. She had felt a surprising amount of guilt following the incident in the hospital. In her less than 48 hour stay she had managed to piss off Grace and steal the memories from Janus the janitor. Both in an attempt to cover the tracks of a woman who refused to talk to her. Maybe Regan had been right, trying to build a friendship with a coworker or boss was a bad idea. It certainly seemed overrated at the moment. Morgan had enlisted Cece’s help to study this magic box. Cece didn’t have all the details yet, but was slowly pressing for more before attempting to open it herself. Before, when Morgan and Cece had discovered a magical artifact used when those lobsters were hanging about the artifact that drained magic. They had been able to quell it by working together and sharing the magic between the two. If this were a similar situation, Morgan didn’t have the same magical abilities she had before. “Well I’m sure it’s magically locked. Probably needs a spellcaster to open it. But I don’t know exactly how to open it. Or if it’s boobytrapped. What context can you give me about the box?”

Morgan laughed uneasily. “Uh, promise not to hate me?” She flashed Cece a sheepish look as she brought it onto her lap and ran her fingers over the markings on the surface again. “It belongs to a crime boss. Some undead asshole named Roy something or whatever. He’s after a friend of mine and she’s hoping to figure some stuff out so he can’t, you know, bump her off so easy. It’s important to him, enough that it was kinda hard to steal. This sigil here--” Morgan pointed to one and held it out for Cece to look at, “Gets used a lot in containment rituals, like when you’re trying to seal something up. It’s a little intense, so maybe whatever’s in here is volatile, or rare, or ephemeral somehow. Problem is, I can’t figure out these--” she pointed to the row of markings along the lid. “Are. Probably if I had done my homework a little more in grade school, I could read it. But I thought I’d ask my genius witchy friend instead of renting a time machine, you know?”

“A crime boss eh? I feel like I’m in a heist movie or something.” Cece wiggled her eyebrows and leaned around the box to study the sigils as Morgan pointed them out to her. She discarded the wine glass she had been holding, abandoning it on the coffee table as she studied the signs closer. “I guess I don’t want to know what a friend of yours is doing pissing off a crime boss?” Actually, Cece very much did want to know. As much as Cece had seen, a crime boss wasn’t something that she had spent a lot of time around. Cece loved trying new things. “They’re a mixture of things from the looks of it.” Cece slid off the couch and onto her knees on the floor, pressing her face close enough to the box that her breath fogged up the silver of the box. “Please, Morgan. Flattery will get you everywhere. Some of these are more containment spells, but some-” Cece pointed at the symbols as she described them, “Are hexes. I can’t tell exactly what they’re supposed to do. But my guess is that it’s a last ditch effort to keep the contents safe in case someone got it open.”

“Uuuuhhhh…” Morgan’s voice lilted up shrilly. Cece had enough mischief in her to pass for fae. It wasn’t hard to figure that she did want to know, but the whole criminal justice system thing was still...a lot for Morgan to wrap her head around. “I could tell you, but you definitely can’t tell your boss. I don’t think she’d be happy knowing I’m a corrupting influence. I’ve lost count of how much weird shit we’ve gotten up to together by this point. You’d think the whole me being dead thing would mean less trouble, but I think we’re getting worse.” She smirked as she spoke, and angled herself in as many weird ways as she needed to look at the hexes Cece had identified. “You ever wish people would just print out a nice label on these things? Like, beware, magic dynamite inside! Or, angry bloodclingers within! But, that looks kinda like some Irish curses I’ve seen in this book… Doesn’t it feel weird to you how light it is?”

Morgan set the box between them and reached over for the book in question, flipping through the pages too quickly to find what she was looking for.“Hey--” she said, turning the pages slowly now. You’d say if you weren’t okay, right?”

“Yeah, well. My boss and I aren’t exactly on speaking terms right now anyways.” And by that, Cece meant that Regan was not on speaking terms with Cece. Despite the repeated attempts on Cece’s part. The whole thing was bullshit. Especially considering that despite this, Cece had still gone out of her way to make sure that no one poked their heads around Regan’s business or questioned her abilities to do her job. “That being said, I love the idea that you’d be able to corrupt me. I for one cherish every moment we share getting dragged into some crazy shit.” Cece laughed. Sometimes it was easy to forget that Morgan had died. Especially since she hadn’t seen it for herself, “Well there’s nothing like the afterlife, am I right?” Cece had to admit that Morgan had a point. It would sure make things a hell of a lot easier. “Witches are way too dramatic to do anything as simple as that, unfortunately. They can never make anything easy.” Morgan pointed out how light it was and Cece had to agree, leaning in closer but not being able to tell anything further. “This whole thing feels weird to me. What would a crime boss need with a magically sealed box? There must be more than meets the eye with this guy. If I’m careful, I should be able to strip the hexes before I start working on getting the box itself open. But keep reading to see if you find anything I don’t know.”

The distraction wasn’t enough, since Morgan decided now was a good time to dive into the personal questions. “Me? Almost certainly not.” Cece laughed the question off. After a moment, she decided to not completely brush the question off, “If you’re asking about the morgue then I’m fine. I’ve had worse done to me than some exploding glass and an earache.” Cece hadn’t told anyone about her days with the coven but figured Morgan would be one of the few she would trust with the information. At least some of the information. Cece didn’t need all of her skeletons dancing around the house. “Nothing that a few glasses of wine and solving a mystery with you can’t solve.” As far as not talking about issues went, Cece wasn’t the only offender, “What about you?”

Morgan scrunched her face up in a way Cece was long familiar with. “I didn’t just mean that,” she said. “But that is good to know. I just… I mean as much as I can’t imagine leaving here anytime soon, I know it can be really cruel sometimes. And you’re all Miss Tough Gal with a smile, but you don’t have to be like that all the time, you know? I just don’t want you to slip through the cracks just because I’m not here so much anymore. I’ve been kinda swept up lately, but I do care about you, tough gal and all. And not just because you do so many nice favors. But if you’re good or you wanna say you’re good, then that’s…good. And, oh, you know me. Cursed or not cursed, apparently there’s always something. Lots of gory details we didn’t make it to sharing on the dash.”

It took Morgan a few more pages to find what she was looking for, but she hesitated before showing the witch, just in case there was more to say.

Cece supposed there was no better time than now to discuss this, though Cece usually preferred any serious conversation be prefaced with a lot of alcohol. More than Cece had drunk so far. More than Cece probably had in the house. “Honestly? I’ve always been like this. Full disclosure, I was in a coven before I came to town. Things didn’t end so well with them and it always keeps me a bit on edge. Even before joining the coven, I wasn’t really one to take life super seriously. I had a pretty laid back childhood with a surprising lack of trauma so I guess when I turned eighteen life decided I had to make up for it.” Cece talked with an airiness, trying to show Morgan that she was trying to be sincere without trying to sound too much like she was whining about her past. “I have plenty of things that should keep me up at night, but I promise the injuries from the morgue aren’t one of them. I’ll seriously be okay. But trust me, even living apart I know you’ve got my back. Same to you.” Gory details didn’t exactly inspire confidence. “Yeah, what the hell? I thought you were done with the whole curse and ghost bullshit? Because ‘gory details’” Cece made finger quotations to match with her tone, “doesn’t sound very fun.”

Morgan listened thoughtfully, smiling wistfully at the thought of a good or ‘before’ times that lasted longer than eight or twelve years. But how awful, still, to know exactly the stability you were losing. To never be able to exhale or relax. Well, that part Morgan  knew too well. Maybe that had something to do with why they got along so easily. You had to keep things light when you had one eye on the present and one over your shoulder. “Those are some pretty ominous Sparknotes. I’m starting to take back all those times tiny me wished for a real coven besides just my parents. If any of them come knocking, you’ll holler though, yeah? Partial magic immunity makes for a great zombie perk in a pinch.” Morgan smirked at Cece’s question to her. Fun was...definitely not a word to use for this. “You’d be right,” she said. “I...honestly don’t know what the sparknotes version of that is. So maybe you’ll have to drag me into a sequel session just to find out.” She huffed and held out the book. “Found our guy. Check out the common uses. What does ‘source’ even mean? Like...power source? Is that a real thing?”

“I’ll keep that in mind. But fingers crossed I never see any of them again.” Cece laughed, although the idea of any of her former coven members finding Cece’s location and showing up in town was anything but a laughing matter. Something told her they wouldn’t want to catch up. And if they did, Morgan wasn’t who she would want to get involved although she made a good point about the magical immunities. Cece had always figured that her best bet if any of them were to show up in town would be to count her losses and cut and run. As the two had talked, Cece slowly worked on rubbing the hexes away from the box. It was more exhausting than it looked, a constant string of magic being poured into her fingertips in order to break the seals without cursing herself into oblivion. Whatever those hexes did, Cece didn’t want to find out. “You’ve got yourself a deal. You. Me. Pick another night and get drunk off our asses. You can give me the sparknotes version of your story and I can try to elaborate a bit on mine. It’ll be a good time.” Morgan found something in the book and leaned over to see what she had found. A power source? It didn’t mean much at first, until she remembered that Morgan had mentioned that he was undead. Cece still couldn’t be sure, but suddenly something started to make sense. “Holy shit.” Cece let go of the box for a moment. “You said undead, right? Do you know what kind?” If they didn’t then…. “I think this is a fext. And if I’m right- yikes.” Cece didn’t know how else to describe it. Cece had heard of fext from the coven. To witches, they were a sort of horror story or monster under the bed type. A monster whose special power was stealing the magic from witches. Was there any fate worse than that in the eyes of a coven? “If he is a fext- then I have a feeling that I know what’s in this box too. I think I have all the hexes cancelled out. Now I just have to pop the thing open. Give me a minute.”

“A--a what?” Morgan stammered. She hadn’t thought about fexts in a really long time. Some old witchy wives tales, stories her mother would tell her to scare her into behaving one day and dismiss as folklore the next. It was never anything to devote a lot of headspace to. “Those are--real? They’re like what...witchy-vampires?” She searched Cece’s expression. Her friend looked very serious and certain. “What’s the big yikes? Can he do weird creepy magic things to normal humans? I mean, I know he set her house on fire, but does this mean there’s worse things? Magic things? Wait--” She gaped, mouth dropping as the pieces aligned themselves in her mind. “Is that--does mean there’s just...raw magic in there?” That definitely explained why it was so light for something that was supposed to be important. “Are you sure you want to open that? Is it going to--- do something?”

“Exactly. Or something like that at least.” Cece couldn’t speak with any certainty. She had never seen one for herself. “The coven used to talk about them. Supposedly they can drain magic from spellcasters and then use their magic.” No word on whether the witch lost their magic completely or not, but all the horror stories claimed they did. Could just be a part of the chill factor, though. “Exactly. Chances are that fire was taken from another witch.” Cece nodded her head. Chances were that it was. The problem was, without seeing for themselves they had no idea what kind of magic it was. That wasn’t going to help Morgan’s friend. “I don’t know. Things could go bad. But knowing what kind of magic is stored in here might help your friend.” She couldn’t guarantee it. For all the things that didn’t scare Cece, this one at least made her a by apprehensive. “Moment of truth. Do we open it or not?”

“Shit.” Morgan took the box for herself, looking it over. “Why couldn’t I be a dead witchy vampire?” She grumbled. “I mean, obviously: very spooky. That is some dark, sketchy shit and a hard diet to work with sustainably. I’m just saying, it wouldn’t be the worst thing if I could work some magic after death. Why do things like this have to happen to assholes who light funeral homes on fire and run underground organ trading rings? That’s just not fair, is all I’m saying.” She examined the markings and little groove the lid depended on. “I’m a little worried about what would happen if we did open it. Hypothetically, I have the least amount of risk of getting whammied by something, but what should I be on the lookout for?”

“You’d make the coolest dead witchy vampire.” Cece agreed, “And you’d definitely use your power for much better than Roy uses his for. What a prick.” Cece didn’t know the man but just from the bits and pieces she had learned she had to say that he didn’t seem like a stellar dude. In fact, he seemed like an ass. “You got the short end of the stick for sure.” It wasn’t surprising that Morgan was offering to open the box and take the brunt of the spell for the two. Morgan was selfless like that. And although Cece was worried about it’s contents, she had a list a bit of confidence that things would mostly be okay. “Well- what the coven explained to me once was that spellcasters and artifacts acted as a sort of conduit to magic. Without it, there’s no where for the magic to go. Using that same logic, it might be that raw magic is just that. If we open it it’s just a mass of magic until someone that can use magic channels it.” The logic wasn’t exact, but based off of what she did know about magic this at least seemed semi plausible. “On the flip side, if this is some sort of summoning spell, it could already be activated and take effect as soon as the box opens. Hypothetically opening it could literally summon a demon. But the chances of it being that are pretty low. Probably.”

“Probably?” Morgan squeaked. “Okay, come on, grab something powerful, we’re doing this outside.” She took the box, held out in front of her and pressed between the tips of her fingers like it was hazardous waste. “I really don’t want to punch a demon or chase one into the woods, but I think our evenings together have taken weirder turns, so--” Morgan opened the back door with her elbow and walked out into the yard. She couldn’t tell if she was overreacting (because who would seriously leave potent magic just in a booby-trapped box? There had to be other layers, right?) or if this was the most reckless thing she’d done yet. “Maybe, uh, stay back--?” She called, looking sidelong at Cece.

Come on. Waiting wasn’t going to change what’s inside. They had to know for sure if they wanted to correctly identify this asshole. One eye pinched shut, Morgan thumbed the lid open.

No flashing lights, no demon. Morgan finally risked a look inside. “Oh. That’s a little anticlimactic.”

“Well I can’t see the future Morgan!” Cece defended herself. She very rarely spoke in absolutes. She couldn’t be blamed or held responsible if shit went south if she told them probably or most likely. “Divination is not one of my skills.” Nor one of her interests. For all of the planning that Cece liked to do- her escape from the coven had taken more than a year to pull together- Cece had no interest in seeing her future. At Morgan’s request, Cece hopped onto her feet and began following her outside, only to spin back around and grab her wine glass and falling behind Morgan again. “You said grab something powerful.” She shrugged, taking a sip and standing with her former roommate out in the backyard. Now it was time to actually open the damned thing.

When Morgan did it was… well it was boring. Morgan was right, that had been anticlimactic. She stepped closer to Morgan and leaned in to get a look at the vial. “Can I squeeze in real quick?” Cece reached her arm in, running her hand over it without actually touching it. Magic was different. In some ways it felt alive or like an aura. And every aura was different. If someone was familiar enough with a certain branch of magic they may be able to pick it out just like someone could look at someone and see what color their aura was. “Well, bad news is that I’m pretty sure this actually was summoning magic. Whoopsies.” Cece sucked air through her teeth and slid away from the box again, “But on the plus side it didn’t summon whatever is in there! So another point for the former roommate dream team!”

Morgan’s stomach turned. There was no consciousness in the box, no traces of who the spellcaster had once been, but after what Roy had done to Erin’s home, she felt pretty confident that they were dead. She knew, on one level, that it was the same as the stock of brains she kept in the fridge. But thinking of his cruelty, the way he crushed people for nothing more original than gain, she felt disgusted. Morgan snapped the box shut and turned back to Cece. “Thank you for this. You’re a really good friend, you know?” She pulled her in a one armed hug. “I’ll make sure this guy get’s destroyed, okay? Do you want to hang onto this, in case you need it someday? I’d rather it be with a real witch than with Roy.” She squeezed her friend carefully. “But definitely, definitely another score in our dream team column. We are, without a doubt, the most badass pair in the Crest. Maybe we should start charging the town for all the favors we do them, huh?”

“I’m supposed to be holding up my tough girl reputation Morgan. Don’t expose me. You know this unbeating heart only flutters now and again for you.” Cece playfully shoved Morgan’s shoulder, careful not to do it hard enough to jolt the vial resting in the overdramatic box. “He sounds like a real dick, so I can’t say I’ll be mourning his loss or anything. But you and your friend need to be careful. If Fexts are even half as scary as the stories are, you don’t want to underestimate this guy. He’s going to be dangerous as hell.” Cece had no idea what kind of nightmare fuel this bottle could summon. Keeping it around probably wasn’t the greatest idea. But if Cece could figure out what it was, she may be able to use it someday. “I will happily take this little container of evil. What could go wrong, am I right?” What an awful question to ask. It’s like she was begging for demons to fuck up her life. Good luck trying to screw up something that was already so royally fucked, demons. “We really do. I’ll brainstorm some business titles. Double bubble, toil trouble? Never mind. We’ll keep workshopping.”

[witch-and-a-half]

hi!! i didn’t know you read birth charts my goodness, but i’m super into astrology and would love to see what you think of it! i’m a cancer sun, leo moon and cancer rising! thank you <3

sorry these birth charts are slow! i’ve been busy with school and roommate drama but they’re genuinely so so fun to make and take a bit less time than the requests in my inbox (i promise i will get to those soon too!!) but thank you for sending these in and being patient with me!! as always, i’m no expert and these analyses are based on google, my basic knowledge, and my personal experience!!

- oh CANCER! darling you are water and a little fire. especially since your sun (overarching traits) and rising (outward, “mask on” traits) are both cancer, you might seem more emotional from the outside, but you might perceive yourself as much more passionate and creative and likely less emotional because of your leo moon.

☼ i’m gonna be real, i don’t have a lot of personal experience with water signs and i don’t know a lot of cancers, but hopefully this still feels right to you! cancers tend to be one of the most emotional of the water signs (especially when it comes to sadness), but i also feel like this makes them the most introspective when it comes to emotions. maybe you’re super aware of your own emotions? you also might be pretty forgiving of others especially if you’ve developed an emotional connection to them. as your sun sign, this emotional awareness might sweep broadly over your personality but i also could see some conflict once we start looking at your moon sign.

☾ leos are strong leaders with an attention to detail that i am so jealous of. fire signs are led by their passionate hearts. they might have a flare for the dramatic, be a bit headstrong, and possibly hold grudges or have difficulty forgiving people who have crossed a line (see how this maybe is different from your cancer sun!). since this is your moon sign, these are the traits you most likely see in yourself, but others don’t perceive as strongly. this is specific and maybe a reach, but, when it comes to to the forgiveness stuff, i feel like you might be forgiving of people who wrong you (especially if you’re emotionally connected to them), but you might struggle internally with the decision to forgive their actions despite that outward willingness to forgive and forget.

↑ because your rising and sun are both in cancer, you might come off as much more genuine at first because you are not only emotionally aware, but you also present the same traits in general that you do when your guard is up. they might manifest differently, but those traits are present from the get go. especially since cancers are loyal and protective, giving off that vibe so consistently and immediately is super cool. some people might see your connection to your emotions as sensitivity, but i think this would quickly drive away anyone who wasn’t okay with that sensitivity because it’s not a hidden trait (and also who wants those people around anyway). so, hopefully, you attract people who are comfortable with your emotional prowess and then you surprise them with those more private leo traits of leadership and spontaneity that is so cool in combo with your cancer traits.

♡ *drumroll* harry potter character compatibility based on your big three (but mostly your sun kinda). okay so cancer suns get along really well with other water signs and also earth signs. this means you would probably get along with mr remus lupin !!!! pisces (like ron and lupin) are emotionally ruled, but less consciously than cancers are. so those men might be unexpectedly aware of your emotions (which you’re aware of as a cancer) and be comforting presences if you’re struggling or wallowing through strong emotions like sadness. scorpios like molly weasley or sirius black might also be understanding of your sensitive tendencies, but their reactions aren’t as predictable (i think we’d expect those two to have different approaches to the same emotion). you could also be good friends with an earth sign like hermione because she’s has the stability of a virgo that compliments your cancer traits. when i take into account your leo moon too, i could really see you fitting in with the golden trio because ron is water (like your cancer), harry is a leo (so he might bring out your fiery tendencies), and hermione is an earth which compliments well.

i’m not gonna lie, this one was a bit difficult, but i really hope some of it felt right to you and if it didn’t i’m super sorry. water signs are not my expertise so those bits might be a bit more muddled or general than i would like them to be. please lmk how you felt about this and i’d be willing to revisit parts of it too if you’re like “this doesn’t quite feel right” thank you for trusting me with this and for waiting patiently for this post!!! <3

[sincerelyreidburke]

OK PROPOSAL?? HOUSE HUNTING?? CHILD ADOPTION??? WHAT??? CARE TO ELABORATE??? Also can I just say that all med students really are the same? I have personally threatened my own Dutch bf into delaying any proposal ideas until both of our degrees are done bc the Future is my only motivator and if I get it too soon it won't be good lol. It cracks me up to think that as soon as quinn's criteria are met nando the simp trips over himself to propose (literally?) lol

Okay, people, because of this ask, and because I feel like it, it’s time to talk about far-future Quindo. I will answer some of your questions that have been looming based on my continuous dropped hints. Come with me on this journey.

And by the way, Brenna, it continues to entertain me how you and Quinn are literally the same.😂😂 Quinn would absolutely personally threaten Nando not to get too many creative ideas until they at least have gotten a place to live together, and Quinn has started in medical school.

Let’s hop under the cut and I’ll tell you some details! (This got so long, but no regrets.)

- So I think I’ve talked about this in a few places now, but something that’s always true with Quinn and Nando, even early on, is that they understand their relationship is long-term. Neither of them is really looking to date casually, and once they’ve been together for a reasonable amount of time to draw this conclusion (six months, I’d say?), they’re each already pretty much planning on getting married. Do I think they necessarily talk about this that early on? Probably not. But the long-term future conversations come along eventually, and they’re very much on the same page about everything.

- I also did this post semi-recently about the fact that their relationship very much contributes to each of them wanting to settle down. They both knew they wanted, like, marriage and kids one day before they had each other, but the presence of each other makes it much more real for both of them. With each other, there’s a person in those daydreams of the future, a more concrete plan in mind. Instead of just thinking of my future husband, they can think specifically of each other.

- Anyway. As I’ve said, Nando is already sort of thinking about proposal plans before they graduate. (Here’s a glimpse into his simp brain circa graduation.) But they also have a lot of other plans and things to do around the time of graduation. Here’s where they wind up at the time of graduation.

- Nando has secured a job, to start mid-summer, with the Phoenix Dept. of Social Services. Is this a real department that exists? Let’s just say I hope so. I feel like it has to. Anyway, it’s very much related to everything he studied with his sociology major, and it’s exactly what he wanted, and he’s very happy.

- Quinn is going to medical school. I feel like this has been heavily implied. Bear with me and suspend your disbelief a little, because, look: I fully understand how difficult medical school admissions actually are. And I also understand that you can’t necessarily be choosy with where you go based on geography, since the aspiring medical student in my life is always going on like I’m just going to apply to like fifty schools all over the place and go wherever I get in. But I want Quinn to have nice things and also geographic stability, so....

- Let’s just say Quinn puts a lot of eggs in the U of Arizona medical school basket. I think he submits other applications, but as we’ve discussed in mostly theatre contexts, Quinn is somehow an extremely confident person and also the king of underestimating his ability to succeed. He always expects disappointment, because he believes this is the key to never actually being disappointed. (See this ficlet for a theatre dive into his mentality on that topic.)

- For this reason, I think Quinn maybe anticipates a rejection in med school admissions. His plan, for if/when this happens, is that he’ll take a year off. He’s fully aware that that might hurt his chances with getting into medical school at all, but I think this is a good time to remind everybody that Quinn, for a hot minute, doesn’t really have a home. Nando and his family welcome him in when his grandparents disown him to ensure that he has a place to go, but the only reason Quinn isn’t homeless for awhile in there is because he’s living at college.

- And yes, I know that, like, renting an apartment and going to medical school is a thing you can do. But for Quinn, trying to establish stability in a life with Nando is the most important thing. He wants, desperately, to go to medical school, but is willing to delay that if the only way he could go would be to be very far away from him.

- We have to just imagine that things work out for Quinn, because, spoiler alert, he does get in at U of Arizona, to start the autumn after graduation. Senior spring, he gets a letter from them, puts it on his desk, and literally doesn’t open it for an entire day because he thinks it’s a rejection. The reason he does open it is because Nando sees it and freaks out.

- Anyway. For Quinn, I want good things. Therefore, he is simultaneously able to start a life with Nando and live out his academic and career goals.

- So this is an extremely long-winded way of telling you that Nando and Quinn move to Arizona after graduation, which I’ve told you in passing before. Because they are college graduates and neither of them has a whole lot of money, they actually move back in with Mama Hernandez.

- Please understand that Maria Hernandez, as a very Catholic Latina woman, welcomes Quinn into her home with open arms— but absolutely refuses to let them share a bedroom.😂😂😂😂

(On the phone, like a month before graduation.)

Maria: I’ve been cleaning the basement up for Quinn. Do you think I should clean out the closet, or will he only use a dresser?

Nando: Uh... Mama? What do you mean, cleaning out the basement?

Maria: Well, it’s where he’ll be staying.

Nando: .......... But we’re getting married?

Maria: Oh, not so fast, Sebastián. You aren’t married yet, are you? And unmarried couples under my roof—

Nando, who has heard this before: I know, I know, but—

Maria: It’s just the same as last summer.

Nando: But we’re looking for a house together—

Maria: It’s a matter of under my roof. No buts.

Nando, who has literally been sleeping in the same bed with Quinn 80% of the time for the past four years of college: Mama—

Maria: No buts, Sebastián!

- So they move into separate rooms in Maria Hernandez’s house.😂😂😂😂

- That summer, Quinn does another theatre thing the way he did with Gabi and Rosa the summer before, and Nando works at his Tio’s restaurant part-time while he waits for his new job to start. He keeps working for Tio, even if only a shift or two per week, even once he’s started his new job, because that restaurant was his papa’s along with Tio’s and he’s incapable of not helping out his family.

- They settle into a routine, and it’s a very lovely summer while they wait for the rest of their lives to begin. :)

- By the way, somewhere in the area of senior spring, Nando bought an engagement ring. It was the result of a lot of saving and planning, and it’s a simple ring but it’s very suited to Quinn’s tastes, and basically he’s just low-key bursting at the seams to get engaged. (Not that it’ll change Maria’s bedsharing policy😂😂😂😂 but he just really wants to be his fiancé.)

- But here’s the fun part. Quinn has also been thinking about proposing.

- Now let us all cry together while I tell you that Quinn goes to Maria to ask about proposing to him. It’s while Nando is at work at the restaurant one night, I think, and Gabi and Rosa are, idk, either out or just in bed. They’re 11 or 12, so they’re probably in bed. Quinn and Maria get along really well, so they’re just having a conversation out on the back patio at the house. They spend a lot of evenings like that while Quinn waits for Nando to get home from work and give him the one (1) goodnight kiss that Maria allows them before they retire to their separate chambers.

- The conversation is pretty standard of most ‘asking the parent because I want to propose’ conversations. Maria, of course, loves Quinn, and wants him to be an official part of her family by becoming her son-in-law, so she gives him her blessing. (By the way, I do think that Maria is aware that Nando is planning a proposal, but she’s possibly entertained by the fact that they’re racing each other to do it.)

- Maria leaves, for a second, during this conversation with Quinn, and goes up to her own room. She comes downstairs with something and puts it in Quinn’s hand.

- It’s Nando’s papa’s wedding band.

- She tells him that this is what Ángel (Papa’s name) would have wanted.

- Quinn is incredibly, wholly touched by this gesture. When he tries to propose, this is what he’ll use.

- And house hunting!! Obviously, they don’t plan to live with Maria forever. Getting a place of their own is their top priority as soon as they graduate, but they don’t have nowhere near enough money saved up to do so.

- I think I have to make a whole other post about how they get a house and also how the engagement ultimately goes down, because this is getting so long, and even though those two things are set in place and planned, I feel like they’d each double the size of this monster bullet-list. So... feel free to ask me about them, and I’ll elaborate!!!!

- I’m also going to elaborate on the adoption/accidental baby acquisition thing in a separate post. But what happens, and when, and how? Stay tuned and I’ll tell you.

Thanks for enabling me, Brenna!!! I’m grateful for your asks, as always. :D

[smolbeandrabbles]

Director’s Cut 3: Danny Rayburn

* Well it’s more a focus on our Reader character, but, Danny.

“What was the inspiration behind Liliana and her family? Because they’re all so amazing 😭🙏 and how did you choose the name Devan?” 

Liv, bless you for asking the difficult questions! Now you get a look inside my crazy mind (as if you hadn’t all already with Andrew.)

So, If you thought Andrew was a long post you better grab your favourite drink and your Danny playlist and settle in!

The following specifically refers to our reader character and her family, and the events of Sway and it’s spin-offs, which I will obviously always encourage you to read! 😁 Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5 / Part 6  / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9 / Part 10

Sweet Spot  /  All I Want For Christmas / Good Woman

What was the inspiration behind Liliana and her family?

Before we go into too much detail I want you to imagine 1st January, 2019. And then a girl who had recently purchased Camila Cabello’s first album - late, after being super impressed by her performance opening for Taylor Swift - and watched the first episode of Bloodline AND Dirty Dancing 2 (the trade off for having your mum watch Rogue One with you) in one single day. Anyone who hasn’t listened to Camila’s album, this is essentially Danny’s dance playlist, I don’t make the rules

I had ideas for Danny before I even started to watch. Mostly because when you’re first immersed in the world of Ben Mendelsohn and trawl through blogs, you can’t help but notice Danny. Annnd found out a lot about the show, which caused me to have a BUNCH of misconceptions and create a story in my head that was just... not even remotely close to what Bloodline is.

So here’s the deal, I occasionally like thinking about some of Ben’s characters gender bent, and how that would make them different/similar and affect their stories. I did this with Andrew and Gerry before I did it with Danny (because can we just think about Animal Kingdom if they were female?). And then armed with my assumptions, I came up with a story for Bloodline. “Linzi, why are you telling me this-!?” I hear you cry, but don’t leave the post just yet! Just keep in mind that Jack Ervin was (female) Danny’s restaurant accountant and also will they / won’t they love affair, that uhm. Well they didn’t, because Danny dies.  For all intents and purposes a lot of Jack’s plot points became Lily’s (including bringing back the restaurant). Also I had a great character with a great name that I didn’t want to waste. Jack became Liliana’s dad - and therefore we got: Jack and Liliana Ervin. 

Back to Dirty Dancing 2 - set in Havana, complete with its ‘will they/won’t they’ love story (of different social classes!) and of course, Latin American dancing. To say I borrowed a lot of ideas from this is probably an understatement - but Danny is a Miami boy, and Miami has Little Havana. Quickly it all kinda fell together.  But in this case, Danny is the out of his element American and Liliana (given that her parents are both from Latin American backgrounds) is the dancer. Added to that in DD2 the girls parents are both dancers, I was happy to keep an element of that for our girl too. Jack remained Jack Ervin, with his name actually being Juan Ervin (American Father, Argentinian Mother) but changing his name to Jack to fit in with his Miami high-society persona. Maria (American Mother, Puerto Rican Father) basically has a super cliche Hispanic name, I know (well both of them do but Juan is the equiv. to Jack so that’s how we ended up there) but it worked for me. Liliana’s name... I don’t even know where I got it from - sometimes names just come to me, sometimes I spend hours finding a good one on all these naming sites! 😅 Lily just came to me, I certainly wanted something that could be shortened Liliana->Lily but also something that went with Danny’s name. Liliana Rayburn is a great name. (I know the irony of that, you don’t need to tell me twice!) I need a ship name for them.

Let’s take a little look at their character for a second though: Jack and Maria are meant to be parallel to Robert and Sally. But also the complete opposite. Jack is described as a ruthless businessman who doesn’t care to much about his reputation in business. He’ll just get the job done no matter what the cost. The catch being of course that really Jack is a lovely guy, he cares very much about his family (+ extended family!) and is a well respected member of Miami society. Ruthless yes - but Maria and Lily mean more than the world to him - and eventually Danny too. “No man is good enough for your daughter until one is. And he is.” and also “He would have given you the world, and I would have let him.” Just sayin’ he’s a good father and a good man.  Maria is mentioned a little less than Jack is but I think that’s because I basically want to compare Jack/Danny to Robert/Danny. I also think that Jack has more to do with the overall story; he’s the one with the well known construction company that everyone recognises Liliana’s last name from, the reason that everyone is all over Danny with the “You can’t get involved with Jack Ervin’s daughter!!” spiel. Maria is the quieter character, but spends a lot of time showering Danny with love when she is around. Lily’s parents were all about giving Danny family that loved him unconditionally. A real family. She’s... probably a little more on the ‘stereotypical’ side of Hispanic parents, but there’s a reason for that-! One of my very best friends is Peruvian, and every time I visit him it’s like visiting my second family. Like from the very first time I met them his parents were SO kind, like above and beyond... and so adorable... oh my gosh, I love them so much and they are 100% inspiration for Jack and Maria. Maria is basically his mum. 😁 But more than anything I wanted Jack and Maria that wanted nothing more for their daughter than for her to find someone who loves her. No matter who he is or his background or anything like that. Which was important to me, especially having been through a relationship myself where my family didn’t really approve of him because he wasn’t from the same social class. I’m certainly not about that.

As your tags put it - Jack and Maria are the biggest Danny/Liliana shippers! 😁 (With Javi and Jason a close second! And I won’t leave out Evie and Amanda either!)

Liliana Oh my gosh. My love for her can’t be overstated. I say it every time, but I’ll say it again. When I started her and Danny’s journey on that dancefloor in January 2019 I never would have dreamed I’d be still here now nearing fic number 200. I wasn’t even sure if anyone would have been interested in them enough for me to ever write more than just Sway 1. But, when you’re asked to write a second part then you know it’s got traction and you end up with 10, of course!  Inspiration for Liliana? Good question. A little like I said for Elaiyna with Andrew, I needed a S/O that fit with Danny and his story. I say at the start of part 10 that really it’s her story. And it is, Danny takes her from one night stands with men she meets on the dancefloor to mother of 2 kids in a loving relationship where it’s clear that she will never love anyone else. And it’s his character/personality, being as in character as possible, that leads her there. Liliana never runs out of chances, she forgives Danny for everything he does because she loves him so much. Because she can’t bear to think of life without him, nor what his life would be like if she left. Liliana is... a strong woman who doesn’t know how strong she is. She loves unconditionally and she doesn’t care that Danny is not on top of his game - he’s struggled his whole life, but he does not have to struggle with her. She’s meant to be the easiest thing about his life - home, a safe place, strength and stability.  Danny is her adventure - with all his secrets, and his past, and how much he suffers she’s presented with a problem that she can’t solve, she can’t save,but loves him anyway. Lily will never give up.  The contrast between the two worlds they are in when they meet, and then the one they build together as they grow which takes that contrast and just makes it work. Like they just work - sure I made it that way, but I tried to make it realistic. Love has no barriers, right? It shouldn’t. To quote my characters again: “There’s one fairytale here, and it’s yours.”

I wouldn’t give her a pushover title - sure she never runs out of chances for him (perhaps its arguable that she could walk away but it never occurred to me that that was her personality.) but like, screw his family. She won’t ever forgive them for what they’ve done to him, she won’t ever trust them.  So why does she forgive John? Because that’s her character. That’s what Danny made her. John and Danny’s relationship always fascinated me in the show and it just strikes me that Danny and John were close, even with all that happened. Danny would want Lily to forgive him - and maybe Lily only forgives him FOR Danny, but it’s in her character. She’s tired of all this conflict and all she wants is for John to confirm he did it so she knows for sure.  Liliana has elements of me in her, perhaps a little more than most of my other OCs, elements of my feelings towards characters in the show as I continued to watch, elements of other OC’s of mine (and physically too. Her Psalm tattoo I directly lifted from someone else. Hey, it be that way sometimes!) and elements of all these pieces that inspired me to write her in the first place. 

I mean I don’t know if that really explains it clearly. Because there’s not really one clear inspiration for them - but from a range of different sources and elements. I hope that it even helps explain it a little though! 😅

How did you chose the name Devan?

Oh my gosh, okay. Liv why did you have to ask this question!  So, oh god this is so stupid.  Basically, although I knew that they would have a son, because our characters didn’t know that they were going to have a son, I wanted to give the baby a unisex name. Because I ALSO knew I was going to follow Bloodline canon it was also important to me that Danny be the one to chose the name.  Added to that, like Nolan, I knew that Danny and Lily’s baby was going to keep that Rayburn last name.  Devan Rayburn and Devan Ervin both sound pretty great to me..!

Obviously, it should be Devin. And the only reason I think I chose Devan was because a) I actually thought that was how you spelled it... (I mean I guess so, there’s no other logical reason I can’t have called him Devin... unless I looked at Devin Ervin and thought... ‘that’s basically the same’ and so changed the spelling but it was definitely always written Devan in plans etc) and b) a singer called Devin Dawson.  When I was on my year long internship in the USA I was able to listen to country music radio - specifically the station a family friend worked on. And they were obsessed with a song called “All On Me” by Devin Dawson. (actually it’s a good one for this series, but that’s beside the point!) So I heard his name all the time, and I’m 99% sure that I got it from him. (Also fast forward and I’ve actually now seen the guy in concert and was like “Oh yeah I named a character after you.” so yeah it’s probably Devin Dawson’s fault. )  At the end of part 8 I left a note that says “Devan isn’t easily explainable but I hope you like it.” and honestly, if there’s a bigger story I can’t remember it. I know that ‘Evan’ was another character in my genderbent story but I don’t think I just added the ‘D’ to that... Maybe that was an element of it though?  

Also I’m a sucker for ‘weird’ names or weirdly spelled names - a lot of my OCs fall victim to this - sorry girls! 😅 So it’s unsurprising that he ended up Devan, not Devin. Also I’d pronounce it “Dev-an” with a soft ‘a’ sound... 

Interestingly it took me a little longer to decide on his middle name being Daniel. I guess I’m not sure how good “Devan Daniel Rayburn” sounds... But then I wasn’t about to resist it, and it seems like the kind of decision that Liliana would make.  

I hope that answered your questions Liv! 🙏💜💙 You’re always welcome to ask for further clarification! 😁

---

Thank you as always for being interested in my work! Just gonna remind you all that you can ask for a Fanfic directors cut ! I would love to answer any questions! 🥰😘 

I mean it, I’d beg. Don’t make me get that Danny gif.  

[og-danny-dorito]

Spock Headcanons (There's No Reason This Time I Swear)

S F W: 

- I don't even know why I like him so much I just do, but my dumb gay ass just loves this man. seriously no kidding

- spock is a child of two worlds; an outcast but a familiar part of both systems in their actuality, residing as the cross section between Vulcan and human that was frowned upon for so long. his intelligence was left unconsidered as he passed all of his classes with excellence, being known as not the intelligent Vulcan boy but as the dysfunctional human hybrid of a being

- so obviously he's probably got some insecurities

- they're not bad, but he tends to be a bit self deprecating sometimes when referring to capability of things. for instance if you ask him if he can say uhhh.... if he can draw something for example. he’ll most likely state that he has no talent or not enough skill or his previous artwork was terrible so he doesn't suggest asking him for it. 

- he knows what he logically isn't and is capable of, but the human doubt still crawls in the back of his mind like a parasite. he still feels emotions, just less outwardly, he's definitely capable of feeling and if you are observant enough you'll notice that he expresses himself through very very small gestures

- when he quirks a brow at something he either finds it surprising or he's being sarcastic, two things which don't happen often (except the latter)

- he's very private, obviously, but is still open to conversation about his interests. mostly he says that he just reads and works in his spare time, but that's not exactly the truth

- when he has nothing else to do, spock finds interest in cat videos and cat videos only. seriously, he'll watch them for hours if he's not got nothing to do, just staring at the screen in silence as he watches cats do stupid cute things like they're the most interesting beings in the world

- he secretly would like a cat as a pet, but yknow it's not really easy to keep pets on Starfleet considering he doesn't want to deprive the animal of connectivity with nature

- can and will debate you about whether cats or dogs are better. sulu once said he thought cats were problematic in spock’s general area of 10 feet in diameter and there was a very heated debate that went on for a good hour or so before sulu got frustrated and decided to just let him win

- spock also likes weird and exotic plants considering that their chemical composition is interesting. he finds it fascinating that different planets use the plants around them for food or medical treatment or a number of other things, so he finds that a way to start off with a culture study is to study the biotany of the planet first

- had NEVER seen a cactus before coming to earth, and now has like 10 of them just sitting in his quarters. he'll never tell anyone but they're named after the constellations that can be seen from Vulcan. he's just a nerd I swear

- Shakespeare nerd, although that's  fact not a headcanon

- romantically I think he'd have fairly bad self worth issues. a lot of the time he views himself as unworthy of his partner, and he'll have trouble with physical contact the first few times mainly because he doesn't exactly know what to do with himself

- not much for pda at all. he says it's because it's indecent, but it's really because he gets all flustered when you kiss his cheek or snake your fingers around his in public where there are people all around. he gets super embarrassed and it's cUTE

- wouldn't have a favorite part of his partner physically; he's genuinely only attracted to the mind. male or female or not even using that gender binary, if you fit whatever standard he holds for intelligence and actually love him he doesn't care what you physically are

- vulcans bond through souls so appearance basically doesn't matter. this doesn't mean he doesn't find you attractive, it just means he wouldn't care if you weren't. he loves everything about you anyway, beautiful or not to the world around you both

- you could call him pansexual and I feel like he prefers someone with a more feminine or elegant way of handling themselves. someone that generally is elegant and cunning seriously catches his attention, and on top of that someone who can and will openly challenge him genuinely makes him intrigued and enrapt with you

- he does kindof have a taste for people who can be reckless (cough Jim cough) due to impulse or bravery, seeing as he admires the fact that the person is willing to take a risk

- cannot be with someone closed off and cold, it just won't work cause he himself is basically a block of ice. he does feel but like barely, and even then he doesn't really show it

- one good way to tell the emotion is to look into his eyes. they speak more than he ever would about his feelings to anyone out loud

- writes poetry to give as presents to those he cares about; most commonly to lovers or his mom (at least he used to write for his mom, until she died). he writes actually very well, although his poetry is more structured than eloquent in a sense of interpretation and imaginativeness. he writes about things that he likes about you, which ends up describing all of you with very specific details you probably didn't realize until you read the lines

- appreciates art in all forms, although he's fairly certain he'd be bad at it. if you write stories or draw he's always open to helping you interpret characters or figure out a good way to express your own feeling through the ar if you're having trouble. encourages you to try new things with pretty much everything, but mostly art

- VERY very good at giving advice, he's basically the Strict Mom of the whole crew (I say strict mom because there are multiple different people who take the mom title, such as Leonard “Bones” McCoy; Stressed Mom). for instance if you're injured or being faced with mentally stressing conditions he'll most likely tell you to take breaks more often or suggest speaking about them to either your peers or to someone you trust. usually people go to him when they don't know what to do and he calculates the probabilities of each and suggest they put aside most emotional matters to think through it more clearly

- his ideal date would probably be like going to a museum or something, but all he’ll do is stay in a section with all the cool rocks and taxidermy animals while asking your opinion and knowledge on them curiously. he may know about pretty much everything in there but he doesn't care, he likes to watch you marvel at all the cool things in there

- 100% does buy the stuffed animals and figurines that are supposed to be models of stuff. yes, he knows that he can find that rock from that one planet practically anywhere but he still WANTS it because it GLOWS in the DARK

- probably would not think you're like seriously dating until the second month or so, mainly to calculate stability between you two

- is open to a marriage if he's been courting someone for a particularly long time, being at least three years or so. he's very very plan-oriented and organized and so he expects you to be lacking impulsiveness when making life-changing decisions

- bonding with his partner means the most to him in all honesty, though. it hold s such a high regard in his heart and soul that he genuinely feel s very very seriously and passionately about it. it's something he doesn't take with a grain of salt, mostly because he wants to be with the one he loves forever. you mean the world to him, and he wants to keep you as close as possible for as long as possible

- down to have kids, maybe a girl that he'd name Amanda, after his mother, or a boy named Grayson or some Vulcan name that you wouldn't be able to pronounce correctly without extensive practicing

- just thinks kids are nice, although he'd probably be a little hesitant and VERY protective

- OH and before I finish this is completely unrelated but I feel like he likes summer more than any other season since it reminds him of his homeland so much. that and he also likes that everything grows up nicely during this time

- his favorite flower is either the notch-leaf phacelia or the harvestbell mainly because he likes the colors and structure of them; he just thinks they look neat

- he'll get them for you whenever, most likely organize the flowers specifically himself for you, combining yours and his favorite flowers to look beautiful even though the could be completely different

- denies that he's a hopeless romantic, merely stating that he just wants you to know that he loves you by giving you poems and flowers 

- but we all know The Truth

- tbh he just cares a lot, although he's bad a thing showing emotions. Spock is calm and collected, but inside a whirlpool of thoughts flood his head daily. be patient with him and he'll open up over time, letting you see into the depths of the mind you'll come to cherish so deeply

[doberbutts]

 Okay so this is going to get long and more than a little bit tmi but it’s a post summing up some strides I’ve made regarding my own transgender journey and I wanted a place to talk about it and maybe help some BabyTrans figure themselves out along the way so I’m putting it under the cut but it’ll go here >:V

Anyway long story short my insurance settlement from my car accident finally figured itself out and I found myself suddenly $30k richer and immediately spent about $10k of that digging myself out of a very deep debt hole I’ve been wallowing in for a while so now I have some actual financial stability plus have some money to throw at some things that would probably make my life a bit better.

And since I have the money to throw at some things, I bought myself a few new binders and also a packer. Binders because my old one was literally disintegrating- part of that is my fault, washing binders in an industrial machine on high heat plus throwing it in the dryer means your binder falls apart faster than it should. Remember I’m from the very end of Ye Olden Days of transmasc products, which means previously most binders lasted a year at most. My binder made it 2.5 years before giving up and becoming a sports bra instead. I’ve learned from my mistakes and treat my binder(s) much more gently now, plus I have more than one so I can rotate them out and not wear the same binder 8-12 hours daily for 2.5 years and kill it doing exactly the same shit.

For reference sake, I’m 5′10′’, 180lbs, 36C bust, and fit a XL from gc2b. Which is who I bought both my previous binder and my current set from. They are low cost, lightweight, well made, and LGBT-owned and operated which makes me super into buying from them instead of some of the other companies offering something similar.

Being that I am biracial and finding something my skintone is always somewhat... interesting... I followed the internet’s suggestion and went with PeeCock for the packer. I’d bought a zip binder from them a few years ago and actually found that to be the most comfortable binder I’ve ever used in the history of ever, but I will say the durability of zip binders is low compared to pull-over binders in my experience, as the zipper exploded one day when I bent down to pick up a small dropped item. I’d had the binder and was rotating its use with my pullover gc2b for about 6 months when this happened, and was in public when I went from flat chested to big uncontained tiddies in the span of seconds. Not great. I’ve been told that probably means it was a little too small for me, but PeeCock is a company based in Singapore, and their sizes like most East Asian clothing do run quite a bit small (I was a XXL in PeeCock sizes when I wore a size L gc2b binder) so there’s not really a lot of wiggle room for me to go up in size. Additionally their sizing taps out at XXXL so anyone who’s bigger than me in the chest/torso is a bit out of luck for their binders. A shame, because that zip binder was so comfortable I fell asleep in it forgetting I even had it on more than once.

Anyway. Since I did like that binder even though we had the wardrobe mishap, and the internet had pretty good reviews on the PeeCock packers because they are multifunctional and actually make correct skin tones for black dudes, I got one. Since money wasn’t an issue I did get the most recent model which was not cheap (~$300) and so far I like it a lot. I got so used to wearing it that when I take it off to clean it, it actually really bothers me. The weight of it is... comforting, in a way.

HOWEVER I did see a bunch of reviews about how I would be super likely to pee on myself the first time using it and then used it and went “wow I don’t have any idea what you guys are talking about this is easy” aaaaand... then peed on myself by accident. Gotta control your stream or things are going to overflow and you’re going to be really sad. And wet. And stinky. Thankfully I had the forethought to practice at home before actually doing this at work/public restrooms but be warned. Being that this is my first one I can’t say if this is common with all packers however I told several of my transmasc friends that do pack and use STP about this experience and they all assured me they did the exact same thing on and off for the first couple weeks and most of them do not have the same brand. We’ve yet to have a repeat at least?

Plus there’s a little attachment rod so I can use it for sexy times with the boyf and also feel what I’m doing to him so there’s that too. 10/10 A+ experience would recommend. The packaging warns you to be careful how you pack because of the way the silicone works, and your partner cannot be on top or ride you, so keep that in mind if you’re considering it. Cleaning is pretty straightforward however and packing feels correct and natural as long as you follow a few rules:

I’ve discovered that whatever size you consider a perfect fit? Unless you like really relaxed fit for your pants, you’ll need to go a size up. I wear tighter clothing and usually skinny jeans at that, and my exact perfect size has been 34/32 for some time now. When packing I need to go up to 36/32 because otherwise wow that crotch is way too tight. I can’t sit down in one of my pairs of jeans and I’m legit sad about it. I also can’t have anything in the pockets of a different pair of jeans or else I have the same tight crotch problem. I went up a size in underwear and that was more comfortable, so I ordered new pants from online and I’ll see if that helps as much as I’m expecting it too.

Speaking of underwear, ymmv, but I genuinely did not expect this. Jockstraps? Super comfy, super durable, and super convenient. Additionally unlike boxers or even briefs, I don’t need a special packing-specific design to be comfortable in one. I never wore one before and honestly this doesn’t even feel like wearing underwear. They’re really just a banana hammock anyway so that’s probably a large part of it, but honestly I would definitely recommend trying them if you haven’t yet. I do have a few pairs of packing briefs and boxers, as well as normal briefs and boxers, and I’ve been alternating between the various types of undies to see which ones I prefer, but I already know my decision so I bought several because I can. One word of advice, though... if your pants ride down understand that your entire butt will be out. I don’t wear low rise pants because they draw too much attention to my waistline and make me super dysphoric, but those that do, watch out.

Jockmail is highly rated and multiple transmasc websites recommend them for packing and I can absolutely see why. Usually the waistband of my underwear irritates my skin and so I was dubious because Jockmail stuff- being that it’s for athletic wear- has a minimum waistband of about 2in... but it’s actually more comfortable and less irritating, rather than the other way around. They also have briefs, boxers (more like short shorts), and boxer briefs, which I also have of the same brand, but... not as comfy. Once again Jockmail is a Hong Kong company so like all East Asian clothes, they run small. I’m a M in most men’s clothing sizes... I am XXL in Jockmail. I also had purchased a brief harness from PeeCock (goes by inches for waist) as well. (Also where I discovered you need to go a size up- I bought a 34in waist brief from PeeCock and it’s a tad tight. I bought a 36in waist brief from Jockmail and it’s perfect. I have been buying 34in waist things for the past few years now- I didn’t suddenly gain 2 inches at the waist, I did suddenly gain a need for a deeper crotch)

If you look down your body from above it will be super obvious that there is a dick there and you will go “oh god I look like I have an erection”. I have been reliably informed that it is actually not true and if you pack correctly a bulge will be there but not so obvious that it looks like you have a raging hardon the whole time. Better to look in the mirror, rather than down your tummy.

(Additionally I voiced my doubts to my boyf who immediately reminded me that most people don’t spend their time staring at someone’s crotch and as long as I wasn’t constantly messing with mine, no one was likely to notice even if I did have an obnoxiously obvious bulge. He then gave me some tips on how to let it hang if I wanted a “natural” look, and when we walked around while I had it on he made sure to check in on my mental health. He’s cute y’all.)

Some (cis) guys will have a specific leg they like to let things hang against. Some switch it up. Some are okay with it hanging straight down provided there’s not a lot of squish happening. Find what feel comfortable and needs the least amount of adjustment for you, and then stick with that. For me, I’ve found straight down or off to the left feels better- a friend of mine prefers off to the right, another straight down only, etc. Also can depend on the size- some (cis) guys I know are a bit smaller down below and are more comfortable with straight down than those with larger weiners.

If you pack you probably need to shave. I was very uncomfortable until I shaved. Now I feel much better packing. So trim that jungle or else you might feel a pinch every few minutes when a hair gets pulled.

And there you have me this morning before I got dressed. As you can see, both fit very nicely. I’m not particularly happy with my stomach or feminine hip set but eh, I cover those with layers and no one bats an eye.

At this point it’s figuring out the whole hormones thing, yelling at my insurance to cover certain surgeries, and... fixing some minor details with my wardrobe... and I’m feeling way more confident than I was a few years ago.

Anyway if anyone has questions feel free to hit me up

[gg-astrology]

so i dont know if you’re still doing detailed astrology analysis on kpop stars but i’ve started to develop the biggest crush on christian yu so i would like to know your thoughts on his chart because you’re the only astrology account i trust on this app. love u :)

Hey there!! 💓💗💞 I haven’t been doing it in a while huh but I just searched him up and he seems v interesting!! ;; 💓💗💞💓💗💞 Am sorry I literally know nothing about him BUT I just searched him up and he seems to be v popular on ig??? and he used to be in c-clown but that’s literally it?? so i’m coming in blind ;; 💓💗💞💓💗💞I’ll do my best!! 💓💗💞💓💗💞 Ps. I’m glad you!! like the account um!!! ;; 💓💗💞💓💗💞 I don’t go out on the tags so I have no idea what’s going on in the? astro social world on tumblr anymore but i’m sure they may be? great astro acc out there!! but thank u!! 💓💗💞💓💗💞

Christian Yu - Brief Look ⬇️

Sun/Moon opposition with Virgo/Pisces, talent triangles between his Scorpio Pluto/Capricorn Saturn (and outer planets)/Virgo Sun/Mercury - Gemini Mars AND Leo Venus that’s inconjunct to his Pisces Moon wow!! 💓💗💞💓💗💞

So I’ll walk you through, notice his Virgo Sun/Mercury and Gemini Mars? They’re squares but that also means he’s amazing at relaying his thoughts/personal opinions (esp. with combust mercury) even though it frustrates him sometimes. He probably does his best, or constantly try to strive for his best at self-expression even though it frustrates him to come back and think about it. At certain times, because it’s in opposition to his Pisces Moon (that seems to be a bucket handle/singleton) he may often process this emotionally. Virgo/Pisces can be quite hard on themselves, but with time (i’m sure he’s learnt) that self-management helps him work through his mental state better. More so than that, the re-occuring theme Virgo/Pisces (anyone else with this) has to look out for is the sudden anxiety of coming back online or feeling the need/obligation to do so for others. Dependability even when - like, when they were doing it, they think ‘hey this is nothing like what i was worried about lol it’s actually v relaxing/fun to do!’ - or just, y know meeting someone for the first time in a while can make them anxious because there’s expectations they set on themselves to do well. However, he DOES have a Leo Venus/Gemini Mars and Capricorn Saturn - so what this does is quell some of the anxiety a bit- like ‘ah fuck it! let’s just do it!’ tends to help a lot with cardinally getting shit done. I mentioned Leo Venus/Gemini Mars bc they’re squared- talking about action, the idea of just doing something and getting it done provided also by Capricorn Saturn - trusting in the security/stability of what was already established- tends to help with that mutable energy/anxiety once you’ve tuned in on how to use it! 💓💗💞

For those who may - also- suffer from mutable anxiety- literally just do something and keep an open-mind. Things will turn out for the better, tune into that flippable energy that allows you to be on your toes and handle a situation as it comes. There is less of a chance of a situation that you won’t know how to handle than there is one where you can work it out on the fly. AND it turning out better than over-thinking it! If you suffer from your mouth being loose and regretting it later - turn that emotional shame/embarrassment into a conscious goal - like a thought - ‘ok im NOT going to do that next time and be conscious of doing THIS instead, as it sets my foot on the right path and THEN i can run with it’ -- this can tend to help adopt a better habit/routine and ALSO make you utilize YOUR energy in an efficient way!! 

Ok so, back to him. Virgo/Pisces sun-moon. Let’s get it. I don’t think his Leo Venus would? allow him to think about these things consciously. Being true to himself is key (more about that later) but underlying everything/decisions -  there’s a core/stem of - Is he doing enough? Is it emotionally true? Is he being sincere/genuine or was it him striving for practicality/reality of the situation? Pisces Moon has a sensitive touch to self-expression, so these things ‘ringing true’ or somewhat ‘true’ gives him the emotional releases he needs. If it doesn’t - then occasionally it’ll drive the person up the wall with how ‘genuine’ (or calling themselves ‘disingenuous’) they’re being (or striving to be). They want to do their best, and with that Virgo in mind, he’s probably constantly trying to perform his best no matter if it’s in his daily life or something else.

Another cool thing to note is also Virgo/Leo in a person- they tend to be more ‘ah fuck it’ about certain things. A problem they can’t solve (on paper/text-book?) even with research? Take a break. It’ll come. There’s solutions to stuff, but with the practicality of Virgo and with the instinctive self-assessment of Leo - they can APPEAR to be something but is actually rather chill and laid-back about it. Certain things that people drive themselves up the wall over- they tend to learn life-lessons and in not over-stressing themselves, and trying to find the best/practical solution instead (think efficient not hard) - even if that Leo can be lazy but ALSO work hard when it FEELS like it wants to.  

That ties into Leo Venus now, with Leo Venus squaring Gemini Mars (even though it’s out of sign) - he may strive to be a person who walks the walk, not just talk the talk. This is more of a personal goal/attention in detail to keep in mind- from like, an internal point of view. This Leo Venus can talk about desire to be true to the self, and if it’s squaring Gemini Mars- sometimes it may feel like what he’s saying doesn’t completely align- unless he’s obstinate enough to think he believes in what he says and roll with the punch/oblivious to it anyways. And thus working on perfecting that, remedying or contributing to saying what it is he can back up is important. Not just this- but with Capricorn Saturn trine to his Sun/Mercury - he has his head set in building a sincere, concrete and reliable ‘realness’ in his personality and public respect. Self-expression IS key, especially with Leo/Pisces in his personal placement and luminary. Most likely, it’s about the intuition and does it ‘feel’ right part of himself that can drive him forward. As that Pisces is also his bucket handle, and thus everything he does - all of his placements, as assessed/have to pass through that Pisces Moon in order for it to express itself openly. 

Integrity is also a key thing for Leo Venus especially, considering Venus talks about relationships and other people. Seeing this in others is important, the idea of walking the walk and talking the talk. Certain people who only flaunts/talks about certain things, or are one-dimensional in their ideas/thinking can be frustrating to be around. Especially with someone who has Capricorn Saturn, Virgo Sun/Mercury, Scorpio Pluto aspected to those two and a Leo Venus. Show off your colors but care more about the things underneath, whats the idea underneath it and does it shine through in their self-expression? There’s genuinity that drives him forward, as well as intellectual property of something- it’s potential/what to do with it. These things are important, and it’s what ‘dazzles’ the Leo Venus to be attracted to these ideas/concept because it allows space for them to share these things with like-minded or people they can communicate with on a ‘real’ level. But these are - y know- people, so it’s hard to find and also very circumstantial!!! 

Anyways. More about him. Capricorn Saturn. Being treated and trusted as someone who is stable/credited as genuine or real to the best of his ability/what he perceive is lacking from others/the world is important. And often with Virgo Sun/Mercury - relaying it down into words/written can often help with that. It’s also a part of a talent triangle he has. It aspects his Capricorn Uranus/Neptune as well - but I’ll talk about Saturn since it’s? more of an impact/important. 

Capricorn Saturn/Virgo Sun-Mercury we talk about realness right? Reputable, doesn’t matter if it’s a slow start as long as it’s genuine and built by their own genuinity and sincerity. Scorpio Pluto adds to this with it’s sextile position to both of these placements - sometimes it’s about seeing/analyzing and observing what IS lacking from the ‘truth’ of the world and making sure the Capricorn/Virgo adds influence to that. The fire venus certainly adds to it’s flame- wanting to show it’s genuine desire to be ‘it self’ (and is itself, but more importantly to be accepted as itself) - whilst Gemini Mars is the outlet- keeps it on the toes, on his feet. Working on it. Say what’s need to be said, sometimes- unexpectedly or without realizing the consequences. BUT it’s sextile to Jupiter in Leo - thus, it probably often works out. When it’s said with the subtext of teaching someone how to be truer to themselves or self-expression. 

There’s a strive/desire to make changes happen coming from that talent triangle, Scorpio Pluto as the apex working with his Virgo Sun/Mercury’s natural talent and focus on those desires. If you can imagine- if Scorpio Pluto focuses and zooms into perspectives/pov at hand, analyzes and collects what needs to be done with it - then this sextile to the Virgo Sun/Mercury helps form a clearly analytically strong- and often opinionated/constructive thought/expression in order for it to be expressed out into the world. They’re often intelligent, but also tends to not - notice or realize this about themselves? Things closer to the Sun are often blinded by it’s light. The Ego can often make things personal without one realizing it’s tied to it. Changes happens, whether it’s in his expression or something else. Because it affects other people’s lives as well, perhaps those in need (Capricorn/Leo honestly) 

But.. yeah!  💓💗💞 That’s all I have for now.. here’s the chart I pulled up to use below, no birthtime ;; but yes! 💓💗💞 Sorry I don’t -- know him well so I can’t speak much specifically on what? he does or something. But I hope this is ok!! 💓💗💞 Thanks for asking! 💓💗💞