#anyway I didn’t expect to do well on that assignment at ALL and I spent alllll day on it in a horrible stress fugue state

[e77y]

Fighting the procrastination demons SO hard tonight bc I got a 100% on my high-stakes assignment for this class so I would still comfortably have an A if I didn’t do this discussion post… soooo tempting… sigh

[reidmotif]

I’ve Got My Eye On You

Summary: Reader is a Special Surveillance agent assigned to spy on Spencer. He manages to see through her cover, and thoroughly enjoys the confrontation that follows.

Couple: Spencer Reid/Fem!Reader

Category: Smut

Content Warning: voyeurism, oral (f!receiving), unprotected penetrative sex, f!masturbation, slight dubcon regarding recorded sex, heavily based on that one scene in scandal, iykyk.

Word Count: 3.5k

Masterlist

I’d always been good at watching people. 

My life had been spent mostly to myself, divulging the information people offered without even realizing. When you talk less, you learn that body language, passing remarks, or even the quirk of an eyebrow gives away more than anyone ever realized– maybe more than an actual conversation at times. 

And I took it all in stride, not a single detail left unanalyzed. People were always surprised when I’d mention my observations, finding a way to explain a seemingly unexplainable situation, those around me wondering how on Earth I could’ve been privy to that. I’d always shrug at their queries. 

Pay more attention, I guess. 

It wasn’t a surprise that I’d ended up here, I suppose, in the end, as an Investigative Specialist for the FBI. I doubt that my listening skills were exactly what landed me the job, but I’d like to believe they contributed more than they actually did. Regardless, I’d never expected the result of the decisions I’d made over the years to lead to this– involved in spying on an agent of our own. 

The infamous "Dr Reid".

His specific circumstances had been shrouded in secrecy and mystery, apparently having just been let out of prison. (Prison? How’s he an agent then? Anyway, not my problem).

 The Bureau had been curious about erratic behavior on his part, and the string of discrepancies involving the unit he was involved in. Apparently, there had been multiple unforeseen and unprecedented events all occurring under the same team in a relatively small time-frame, and despite smaller investigations, nothing came out of them to warrant any real disciplinary action.  Probably why they brought me in, in the hopes of changing that. 

I’d been assigned to put up small, virtually undetectable cameras and listening devices within his apartment. 24/7 home surveillance, no exceptions. I couldn’t help but think that the guy really should invest in better apartment security, despite how easy his naivete made my job. His lack of caution surprised me, given the details I’d been given. For a guy who had a penchant for being framed by the ghosts of his past, he sure didn’t live like it.  Even as an FBI agent, he essentially had no technology to counter my own, and the height of his protection was a standard deadbolt. Was he insane? Unaware, somehow? Only time would tell, I suppose. And I had plenty of that, to watch and deduce the nature of his mind on my own terms. 

My time spent with Spencer resulted in one, overwhelming conclusion. Spencer Reid lived a relatively quiet life. His apartment was barely used, honestly, given the sporadic nature of his job. (Which was a shame, in my opinion, because it’s a nice apartment).  When he was at home, he seemed to remain quite unassuming. The positions I’d see him assume often were that of being hunched over on an aging leather sofa, pouring himself into grading papers, or creating lesson plans for his students. Oh, right. Did I mention he was also a professor? He is. I’d assume he likes the job, given how much of himself he gives into it, or maybe that was just who he was as a person. I wasn’t sure yet. 

I monitored his life outside of the apartment occasionally as well, just to see what intel I could gather with further investigation. There wasn’t much. Coffee shops. Book shops. Coffee. Books. Coffee- God, does the guy do anything else with his life? 

Most days, though, I’d liken him to butter spread too thinly over toast. Sleepless from nightmares that would have him walking around his apartment until daylight broke through the window panes. I felt exhausted just watching the guy, and it seemed insane that he could continue to live on when he left that apartment at the break of dawn. It didn’t seem like he had anyone to talk to, honestly. From what I was seeing, he wasn’t a threat to the Bureau, just a sad, middle-aged man who’d been dealt the most unfair of hands in life. 

I’m sure there’s a moral somewhere in all that. To waste your potential on something that gives so little back. Oh, well. My report was nearly finished at this point, and the most I could recommend the higher-ups was to get Spencer a better therapist, maybe. This one wasn’t really helping, it seemed. Besides that, his personal behavior wasn’t indicative of anything worrying to the interests of those managing him. 

At long last, it was my final night of watching him. Coincidentally, the date lined up with Halloween, and I couldn’t be more thrilled to finally be free of this specific survey job. Don’t get me wrong, Spencer seemed nice- but God, his life was boring. I don’t want to say it was like watching paint dry,  out of respect, but previous targets had offered at least some part of their life to be interested within. Spencer had nothing. No friends over, no gossip-like phone conversations, no drunk wanderings home. Nothing! I know he didn’t sign up to be watched, but God. 

Like, come on. Give me anything here. 

Needless to say, I’d become accustomed to the quiet, and this night was no different. If he was following schedule, he should be home right about … now. 

Now? 

Now… 

Silence. 

Spencer was definitely a creature of habit, so to not see him adhere to the routine he’d so meticulously stuck to in the past was a bit jarring, but I assumed he was just running late. 

A few hours later, I reasoned he must be running really really late. It was bordering on midnight, and he still wasn’t home. I checked train schedules, possible reports of a car crash, just about anything that could keep him from his scheduled appearance at home. 

I was just about to call my supervisor to look into whether or not he’d been called out on a surprise case, but that’s when the door of his apartment creaked open, and I felt my shoulders deflate in relief. Okay, he was home. He was going to go to bed and- 

He wasn’t alone. 

Spencer was dressed in all black, a leather belt adorned with a gold belt buckle being the only color his outfit brought. He wore tiny devil’s ears upon his head, the headband pushing down on the mop of curls that sat atop his head. He looked absolutely delicious, if I must say myself, and it seemed the woman in his arms would agree with me. 

He practically pulled her into his apartment, kicking his door in with his leg before slightly fumbling with the lock. As soon as the mechanism slipped into place, his hands were all over her, pressing her flush against his body, as if he couldn’t bear to have any space between them. 

For all the time I’d been watching him, none of his behavior indicated the presence of any kind of significant other, so this girl must be a stranger. If this is how Spencer treated strangers though, I was surprised he didn’t have a barrage of women lining up at his door every night. 

His lips absolutely devoured the girl, his hand cradling the side of her face, before his thigh slipped in between her legs, possibly to soothe a building ache that had built up there in the time they’d spent together, which I found entirely possible, considering I, personally, was heated from simply watching. 

I watched the pixels on the screen with such precision, innocuous shades of red, green and blue painting the most sinful of images. I found myself noting the way his hand snuck up the girls’ dress, the way her breathing hitched as she pulled back, watching as Spencer presumably played with her clit. I could feel myself squeezing my thighs together, recognizing just how wrong it was to be turned on by the scene in front of me, but I couldn’t stop myself. It wasn’t as if this was the first time a target had behaved sexually in front of me. (Or in front of the camera, I suppose.) I’d seen and heard just about anything you could think of, but this was different- in a way. To see Spencer so filthy, so confident, so- interesting. It lit a fire in me that burned with every passing moment he touched this girl. 

I’m able to watch him circle over her panties in a way that has her groaning directly into his ear, a smug grin plastering his face as he watches her every reaction. 

“Like that?” He murmurs, and I’ve never heard his voice so fucking deep.

She nods frantically, and it only serves to widen his grin. I can feel myself rocking slightly in my own chair, doing anything to try and soothe the fast growing arousal within me, unable to stop from imagining myself in her place. His hands, the feel of hot breath down my neck- 

I’m stopped dead in my tracks, however, when his eyes suddenly shift to the camera closest to him, his eyebrow raising, as if in challenge. He continues to whisper in the girl’s ear, and has the galls to wink. I’m horrified, a very sudden and intense heat rising to my cheeks. I can only watch for a second more, before he’s suddenly pulling her away, and I realize he’s taken her  within one of the only blind spots within the apartment. 

I’m scrambling to turn off the feed, stunned into silence whilst, my heart beating uncontrollably and eccentrically. Oh god. He knew. He knew and he did that?! 

I stare into the empty space, a multitude of thoughts inhabiting my brainscape. On one hand, the aplomb shown in that situation was commendable, since most people would react to the knowledge that they’d been secretly watched in their own home for the past few months in a much more hostile way. On the other hand, how did he even acquire that knowledge? The cameras were virtually undetectable, and he’d never let on that he was aware of their presence, and I’d know, considering how closely I’d watched him. 

I shake off the thoughts, focusing on something other than the overwhelming mortification coursing through me now.  

Alright, tomorrow, get into his apartment, remove the cameras, and hopefully never have to look at the man again. In any capacity, honestly. 

When daylight broke, I turned on the cameras for the final time, a bit more sheepish, knowing he was aware of the devices plaguing his home. However, it seemed like he was once again pretending like he wasn’t aware of the looming existence of them, sending his female companion off her merry way once they woke up, before going about his normal routine, heading out of the apartment for what was most likely his morning coffee and then afternoon lecture at the university. 

That was my cue. I turned off the cameras,  quickly making my way out to sneak into his residence, the heavy door offering little resistance to my advances, my movements quiet and undetectable. 

I’m  in the process of removing the final camera I had placed in his bedroom, hidden behind a copy of  The Sign of Four. Doyle. He had good taste, I could give him that. 

I’m just about to turn around and get the hell out of there, when I hear a voice behind me. 

“I noticed that one first, you know.”

I turn around slowly, embarrassed and slightly fearful to find Spencer’s eyes meeting mine. I’d watched him for so long, but seeing him now– his eyes were so beautiful. The camera didn’t do him justice.

He continues, despite the silence. “The other ones were harder to spot, I’ll give you that, but once I knew where they were, it was a bit obvious, don’t you think?” 

I’m speechless. My mouth is agape, and all he seems to do is smile at my lack of prose. 

“Don’t look so surprised. I know this apartment. I’m not here a lot, but I spend enough time to know when things have been shifted around.” His tone is cheeky, and he pauses, almost theatrically to add on:

“I’m sure you knew that though.”  His smile turns into more of a smirk. 

God, did he have to be so hot?

“Are you going to complain to the Bureau?” I manage out, keeping my eyes steady on him. 

“Did you find anything of note to tell them?” He responds, tilting his head with curiosity. 

I shake my head vehemently. “No, um. Nothing pertinent to say.” I get my words out in a hurry, my gaze continually trained on him. 

He meets my eyes with the same stare. “Then I don’t have much of a reason to complain.” 

I nod solemnly. I’m wondering where this situation will lead- what either of our next moves are. Before I can ponder long though, he surprises me and takes a step closer.

“I saw you, you know.” He says. “Thought I was going insane when the same pretty girl kept showing up at the bookstore and coffee shop out of the blue, but I’ve never been one to believe in coincidences.” 

“Oh.” I whisper. I really wasn’t as good as I thought I was. 

“You really shouldn’t beat yourself up.” He says, chuckling with some mirth. “Again, I’m observant. I notice these things. That, and you’re pretty.” He says, forward. “So, more of a reason to notice.” 

“Oh.” I reply, yet again, dumbfounded by the events currently transpiring. 

“Yes, oh.” He chuckles, before he starts to move closer yet again. “Tell me. Were you watching last night?” He murmurs, his voice dropping a bit deeper as he directly addresses the elephant in the room. 

I give a movement of affirmation, because at this point, what could he do? What could I do? 

“So you saw.” He mumbles, moving to position himself right in front of me, his eyes darkened and laser focused on my figure. 

“Yes.” I whisper, my voice hushed as our proximity decreased, his breath fanning out over my face now. I’d be uncomfortable, if I wasn’t so distracted. 

“Tell me.” He whispers, letting his calloused finger finally touch my skin, running down my neck. “Did it turn you on? Watching me with her?” 

I feel the familiar heat of embarrassment rise to my cheeks, my eyes suddenly widening not only due to the sudden proximity, but also the scandalous nature of his words. Did he mean for me to watch? Was that his plan all along? What was this sick and twisted game he was playing?

“Did it.. get you off?” He whispers, his lips leaning in to kiss lightly at the side of my neck where his finger once was. 

I freeze, leaning into his touch and going statue-like all at once. I can’t help the shakiness of my voice when I reply. “I.. wasn’t neutral.” 

“Mm.” He murmurs, kissing now at my jawline. “Did you get off? When she did?” He whispers.

“I didn’t watch that long.” I reply, helplessly, as I feel his hands start to envelop my waist, pulling me closer to him. 

“What a shame.” He mumbles. “I think you would’ve liked the show. I did it for you.” 

At this point, I can barely speak, a slight moan escaping me instead of a coherent reply as his lips continue to leave warm, wet kisses on the expanse of my flesh. 

“I’m sure you’re curious.” He says, his voice soft and seductive. “Would you like me to show you what we did?”

There’s no hesitation, finally, a resounding thought I can translate from brain-to-mouth for him, in complete certainty.

“Yes.” I manage out, breathlessly. 

He makes a noise of satisfaction, quickly pushing me onto the bed. 

“I’d already gotten her wet by touching her before, but if my suspicions are correct.” He murmurs, his hands working deftly to undo my jeans and feel the wetness that had accumulated in between my thighs. “You already are.” He finishes. 

I let out a small whimper as his fingers touch the heated flesh, unable to help my sensitivity to his small, calculated strokes over my clit through my underwear. His fingers starts to move a bit more aggressively, upon feeling the wet patch that had formed there, the flimsy fabric doing little to hide the stickiness he was now collecting on his fingers. He quickly pulls them off as well though, bringing his slightly damp fingers to his mouth, tasting the hint of my arousal that had accumulated there. His eyes were dark, watching my face for any reaction, and in that moment, I know all he can see is pure want. 

I can see the same hunger within his eyes, and I feel a rush of pride as the approval radiates off of him. 

“What next?” I whisper, already desperate for his next slew of ministrations. I don’t care how needy I looked. I was needy. I’d spent so long watching him, and now he was here.

“She wanted my mouth.” He murmurs, kneeling at the edge of the bed. His thumb brushes over my clit, his tongue running against plump, pink lips, wetting them, watching over me with a predatory gaze. 

Before I can respond, he’s suddenly everywhere, ducking his head and allowing his tongue to brush over my sex in broad, wet strokes. My response is immediate, my hips bucking up to meet him in a frenzied motion. It seems that he relishes in whatever control he can have in this situation, because he quickly holds down my hips in a firm grip, squeezing the fat there while he continued to ravage me. 

I can barely look at him, pretty brown locks splayed in his face, his lips moving hypnotically against my cunt. Little whimpers escape me, absolutely aching for more. He seems to catch on, and flicks his tongue over me, before suckling against my clit. It’s wet, messy, and the picture of debauchery– and it’s enough to drive me over the edge, my hands gripping the sheets as I cry out his name. 

He seems to be unaffected, getting off his knees, his mouth glistening with my release. The sight makes me wish he could do it again, but before I can get a word in, he’s positioning himself over me, caging me against the bed. 

“Then I fucked her.” He whispers, starting to undo his belt with his free hand. “Can I?” 

I nod, feeling a wave of anticipation, before registering the sensation of the head of his cock nudging my entrance. I feel my chest tighten, watching him with bated breath, absolutely exhilarated. 

“Relax.” He whispers, kissing the lobe of my ear. “You’re in good hands.” 

He utters the last word, before sliding into me, a hushed gasp leaving the both of us. He groans in pleasure, his eyes fluttering shut as he takes in the feel of my warm, wet cunt around him. He takes a moment, before he’s setting a steady pace, his hips bucking rhythmically into me in a way that’s designed to bring us both so much pleasure. 

I can’t help the string of moans that come out with every slide of his cock inside me, my legs wrapping around his waist, urging him closer than he already is. My hands grip onto his shirt, clawing onto the fabric to find any purchase, wanting– no, needing him on me. 

Is it odd to wish a stranger could crawl into your skin itself? 

“Fuck, Spencer.” I moan, unabashedly. “You feel so good.”

“You do too.” He groans, his arms braced on either side of my head before gently lowering himself to crash his lips against mine in a messy kiss. 

I can feel myself barreling towards release, as is he, if the twitch of his cock inside me were to mean anything. It’s not long before his hand reaches in between where our bodies are met, rubbing my clit in fast, small circles. It’s intense in the best way possible, my body barely being able to process how good it felt in the moment. 

“Come for me.” He moans, in between kisses. “Wanna feel you around me. Please.”

I can’t help but obey his words, my cunt convulsing around him in obedience as he subsequently finds his release inside me, groaning loudly as his hips thrust erratically. 

He pulls out, and we’re a tangle of limbs, sweaty and sated, breathing heavy. 

Of course, it’s him, yet again, to break the silence. 

“Two things.” He mumbles, breathlessly. 

“Mm.” I reply, weakly, my head a mess of airiness and complacency after the orgasm he’d just brought me to. 

“One. I want your name.” He says, rolling to his side to get a better look at my face. 

“That can be arranged.” I murmur, nodding dreamily. 

“Second.” He whispers, kissing my cheek. His voice takes on a teasing quality to it, before leaning to brush his lips against my ear.  

“You missed a camera. Behind the plant. They don’t stop recording, do they?” 

okay wowww. clearly this was meant for halloween, if you couldn't tell! this is one of those pieces where i'm like.. hmm .. do i like this? question mark? do i want to put it out? hmm .. but regardless, i hope you guys enjoyed it!! please, please like, reblog, and comment if you enjoyed!!! it is sooo important as an author that i get some feedback and know what you guys think, in any capacity. i truly appreciate all of it <33 thank you for reading, thank you for everything!!!

[hotnbloodied]

Hiiii can I request popular yandere classmate x oblivious reader, oh and can it be smut pleassee?

Thanks for your ask! I started randomly naming all my yanderes even if they are all one shots, I don't know if I want to keep it though. We'll see. This one almost fucking tore me to shreds, I might need a break after this. Anyway, hope you enjoy!

-˚ʚ♡ɞ˚HB˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

Yan!Popular Boy X Oblivious Reader (!!SMUT!!)

!Warning! This post contains yandere themes and topics that may be uncomfortable to people who are sensitive to the topic, read at your own discretion.

CW: not proof read, yous/yours used, gn reader, there is SEX, sloppy lewd writing, yandere tendencies, reader is kind of silly here. (LMK if I'm missing anything.)

!!READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION!! MINORS DNI!!

It was the first group project of the year! You and three other people were going to be randomly assigned together to work on a research project about something or another. The first two seemed like nice people but the third was Atticus, your friends have talked about him before. Wasn’t he popular or something? When the group met face to face you finally understood why, he was funny, charismatic and quite the looker. Your group decided to meet up in the library and you thanked your lucky stars that it seemed everyone was working well with each other. The other two in the group knew each other and were friends so when one of them had to leave later on in the day the other one did so as well leaving you and Atticus the only ones in the group still in the library.

Without the other two here, people were more inclined to come by to say hi to Atticus causing him to get distracted, you didn’t care much honestly, you had work to do after all. You overheard a couple of the people who came to talk to Atticus talk about some sort of group karaoke and that he should join them. “Sorry guys, I’m still with my group partner,” he apologized. You looked up, “it’s all good, this is just the first day after all.” Atticus looked at you incredulously. “See? Even your groupmate thinks it’s fine. Join us, Atticus, the girls are asking for you.” Internally he was annoyed, he already said no and the least his groupmate could do was back him up. Were you really that stupid? Eventually though, he was able to convince them to leave him alone. But when he turned expecting to see you still sitting there you were gone. Your stuff was still here so he assumed you went to get more material to research.

Scanning over the library he spots you eventually, struggling to reach for a book on a higher shelf. He sighs and starts walking over to assist but it turns into a run when he notices that you’re about to get toppled by said books. He covers you from getting hurt and curses at himself because having books fall on him fucking hurts. “What are you doing?” He says sternly, “if you can’t reach something ask for help.” He gasps, some of his true self leaked out, his image of a prince type is over. “Dang I’m sorry, you’re right. No sense in getting myself hurt, thanks! By the way, are you okay?” Suddenly, his heart raced, he didn’t know why. It might have been the way you looked under him currently, or it might have been the way you accept his rough tone with you, but either way he was going to explore it, explore you.

The project goes by smoothly, you still hang out with Atticus since the two of you exchanged numbers due to the project. You found it really weird though, each time you hung out with him and his friends, his friends were never able to make it. You hope you’re not scaring them away. Little did you know that if anyone is scaring people away it’s Atticus. The more time he spent with you was like heaven but also hell. He loved spending time and learning new things about you but, fuck, why were you not picking up any of the hints and flirty signs he was giving you?! Like today when it was just the two of you again, you two were at the movies and he tried to get an arm over your shoulder. “Oh my! Are you cold? Here, you can have my jacket.” And wrapped him up in your jacket! Sure, being able to smell your scent was nice but that’s not what he wanted! To rub salt on the wound too, after the movies his friends spotted him and invited you two to join them and you ACCEPTED! “Oh sorry, were you guys on a date?” One of his friends asked. “Oh no, we’re just chilling! We’d love to join you!” You responded. He almost choked up blood.

He went to his last resort and feigned sickness. Worry etched your face and you apologized as you helped carry him away. He convinced you to go to his place since it was nearby and was a bit hurt that you agreed so readily, you were going to be in a private space with him after all. Arriving at his place you helped him inside, all the way to his room. As you wished him better and got up to leave he tugged your arm. “Wait a minute,” he says. “Hm? What’s up, need something?” He hugs you, “I… I need you.” Not sure what he meant, but feeling like he needed this, you hugged him and both of you stayed like that for a while. That was, until his lower half decided to act up. “Do you, uh, need help with that?” You ask, almost too innocently. His face flushed, “help with this…?” “Of course, a boner is a natural part of your body, you know. Though I also heard that boners don’t happen just because someone is horny though…are you horny?” Atticus felt the blood rush to his head, all he could do was meekly nod.

You were sucking on his member, he could tell that you’ve done something like this before but maybe not too often due to the slight hesitation you exhibited. Regardless though he never imagined you would have been so willing to do this for him, should he have asked sooner? The sight of your mouth wrapped so prettily around his cock, he wasn’t the type that was quick to cum but just because it was you doing this act on him he felt close. He couldn’t have that, so he grabbed your shoulder and urged you on to his bed. “Take off your clothes,” he instructs. You did as he told, he gulped, he wanted this for how long now? It felt surreal that this was real. He couldn’t help but use his hands to explore your body, groping, touching, feeling your warmth. Your breathing quickened, you weren’t sure why he was taking so long, his exploration of your body started making you feel needy. You were close to telling him to hurry but let out a yelp when he started to suck and lick on your chest. He worked his way down to your lower area.

“What are you doing? Is all this necessary?” You ask him. “Please,” he begged, “I just need this, won’t you let me?” You whimpered, this is good and all but all this teasing is something you aren’t used to. He sucked and tongue prodded you for a while, you said that you would let him do what he wanted but you wanted to release soon and his tongue wasn’t doing that for you. “Hey, uh– hnn!!” Before you could say anything more he inserted a finger then two into you, rhythmically finger fucking you. Making sure to brush against your g spot each time. You were so close and Atticus knew it, so he stopped making you whine even louder. “Why did you stop?” “Grind on my dick,” he ordered. Sluggishly you got up and did as he was told. “Don’t even try to insert before I allow you to.” So you rubbed your sensitive area against him, slow at first but even you can grow impatient and you’ve been that for a while. Your wetness making a mess and with your bodies grinding against each other a squelching sound reverberated through the room along with the heavy panting and moaning. “Soon please?” You begged. Atticus needed you badly as well so he pushed you down on the bed again and aligned himself before pushing in causing you to scream out from the intrusion. He jackhammered you silly, “fuck, fuck, fuck, please. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,” he chanted like a mantra, “I need you so bad.” What followed was one of the hardest orgasms you ever had. He unsheathed from you and quickly went to your face marking your face all over with his seed.

After a couple of beats you asked, “hey, uh, can I have some napkins?” “S-sorry,” he scrambled to his drawer and took out a box of tissues. After you cleaned yourself up you asked, “I’d like to borrow your bathroom.” He told you that it was down the hall. You took your clothes and left his room, when you came back you thanked him. “Well that was fun! I’m going to head home now. I’ll see you later alright?” And left. He was shocked, how fucking clueless can you be?? He was going to make sure you understood that you were his now and he was going to move heaven and hell to make sure that happens, his darling.

[hellfire--cult]

Eddie Munson x Fem!Reader

wc: 10.1k

HEAVY TRIGGER WARNINGS: +18, suicide attempt, reader is suicidal, PAS (Physician Assisted Suicide), neglectful parents, weed and alcohol, feelings of loneliness, hurt/comfort (?), fluff, kissing, some mentions of nausea, smut implication, angst. So much angst.

Plot: Eddie was new to the group, and he connected with you after an unfortunate event. You were excited to finally put an end to your suffering, of all those years of feeling nothing, and you had made a list of things to do before going.

a/n: I cannot stress this enough, please, do not read if this will be triggering for you. If you read PAST the warnings, it is your own responsibility, and I will not hold myself accountable for it.

This is somewhat inspired by the movie and book Me Before You. So yeah, have fun.

Always reblog your artists, likes don't do much.

Please, Trust Me

Eddie came into the group a little bit late, so to speak.

He was assigned to do a project alongside Steve Harrington in Psychology class. College was just something Eddie wanted to focus on studying since he had a reputation of repeating his senior year two times in a row, but Steve was friendly. Eddie, well, he didn’t realize how badly he needed social interaction until then.

So Steve introduced him to his group. Robin Buckley, Nancy Wheeler, Jonathan Byers, and you. Now, Eddie got to know everyone, except yourself. As Nancy put it, you were in many extracurricular classes, so your time was limited. Eddie, of course, understood, but he also felt you were scared of him somehow. You always averted your gaze from him in the little moments you spent together, so he gave up on trying to talk further with you.

Holidays were approaching, and Eddie had the opportunity that his uncle was leaving the nice house he finally got to purchase near lover’s lake in Hawkins, his hometown, so he thought it would be a great idea to invite everyone over… Well, not everyone.

Since he thought you were scared of him, he believed the invitation would be rejected, but everyone else agreed to come over to his place. It was just a two-hour drive, and he couldn’t wait to get drunk and high with everyone else.

Robin told him that you didn’t have time anyway to assist, seeing that you were going to visit your mother for Christmas, so Eddie’s guilt vanished completely. He felt horrible for not inviting you, that’s why he asked Robin to ask you about your plans for Christmas.

So off they went, having a great time by the lake, drinking beer, eating grilled burgers and sausages, and then on Christmas night, the fireworks went off, and everyone was already drunk by that time, messaging loved ones and wishing them great holidays.

The next day, you called Robin, wishing her a happy Christmas. Eddie was packing the suitcase to go back to Indianapolis, when he overheard Robin tell you that they were spending New years there too, completely surprising him. He expected to return on the 26th, but he was excited to spend more time with his friends. Once again, you told Robin that it was fine since you were still at your mom’s.

And so, new years went by. Now on the 2nd of January, they all finally returned completely drained from all the alcohol and food, but still with smiles on their faces. Robin then turned to Eddie with an innocent smile on her face as she sat on the passenger’s seat.

“Eds, can you drive me to Y/N’s place? I want to show her the rocks we picked up at the lake, and I will likely stay the night at her apartment.” She batted her eyelashes at him and he rolled his own eyes.

“Okay, let’s take you to the rich girl’s place.” You explained to the group that you weren’t good with a roommate, so you rented a place near the campus to live in until your studies finished. Eddie realized you weren’t a middle-class person just by knowing that, and he doesn’t know why you would choose a college like this one instead of Harvard or something like that, as rich people do in movies.

Robin met you thanks to you being signed up to tutor her in a particular class she was struggling with. She and you immediately clicked, despite you acting a bit shy and reserved at first, as if not trusting Robin at all, like a scared animal in the wild meeting another species.

Once they arrived at your apartment complex, Robin once more looked at Eddie with a pouty lip.

“And help me with my bag? My shoulders hurt from swimming all week…” And once more, Eddie rolled his eyes, sighing as the two of them got out of his van and he went to the back to get hold of her bag, swinging it over his shoulder.

“You can just say you are lazy as fuck Buckley.” She giggled at his response and they both walked into the reception, calling the elevator to go up to your floor. Once they were at your door, Robin knocked a few times, only to be met with no response. Her smile faded slightly and she tried again, and once more, met with silence.

“Maybe she didn’t return from her mom’s.” And she bent down to look under your mat, finding the spare key. You told her she was welcome at any time, to simply look under the mat for the key and make herself comfortable, knowing Robin likes some quiet away from the dorms now and then. 

She opened the door–

“Hey, you–”

And she and Eddie immediately winced at the strong smell of unwashed dishes or something of the sort. 

“Jesus Christ, what is that smell? Did she forget to wash the dishes before leaving?” Eddie replied, looking over at the kitchen counter, his eyes furrowing together as he looked at a particular tray that was filled with gingerbread men cookies. They were all with a bit of fungus, and one had been bitten, one of its arms missing.

Robin closed the door behind her as she looked around, finding that there were bottles of different alcoholic beverages on the sink, a cup of ramen noodles on the coffee table in front of the TV, half-eaten, and then she spotted the small Christmas tree in the corner of the room.

She remembers how excited you were, buying your tree, telling her that you never had the chance of decorating one before because it wasn’t truly celebrated in your household. Dread immediately invaded her as she remembered that, slowly walking towards it and Eddie following behind, dropping Robin’s bag to the floor.

Robin gasped as she kneeled to the floor, finding different presents under the tree, one for each person in the group, including Eddie. His heart plummeted to the floor as Robin showed him the small present, and you didn’t even know what he liked, yet you bought something for him. 

Robin then turned while getting up, looking towards the door of your bedroom that was shut. She rushed towards it and she felt her heart starting to want to come out of her mouth as she swung it open as quickly as she could.

And there you were, in your bed, resting, and Robin felt herself breathe in relief, but Eddie didn’t. Not when he noticed the bottle of wine next to you, on your nightstand. 

“Maybe she didn’t think she was gonna go to her mom’s and she forgot about the cookies.” Robin said as if almost trying to convince herself. Trying to make a reasonable explanation other than the most horrible one that she could think of because of course, she doubted it when you said you were visiting your mom.

Because you mentioned to her that you two weren’t close.

Eddie slowly walked towards you, not caring about the smell that lingered in your room, knowing that you probably hadn’t showered or cleaned the place in a while. He looked down on you, tilting his head. You had the blankets all over you while you rested on your belly, eyes completely closed. 

He raised a hand towards your face, under your nose, and his breathing stopped. Your breaths were slow, not even deep, and you were drooling, all over your pillow. He grabbed onto the edge of the blanket and Robin moved to stop him, yet he yanked it off. 

“Robin… call 911.”

But Robin was frozen as she looked at your frame, her lip starting to shake as she inspected your right hand. A hand that was holding something that looked empty. Something that she saw was half full the last time she came over.

That orange flask that contained your sedatives.

And you chugged them down with alcohol.

Steve was rubbing Robin’s back as she sobbed into her hands, hunched over the chair of the waiting room. Eddie was on her other side, his leg bouncing up and down as he bit his nails. One day he was laughing with everyone and now he is waiting for some good news regarding your health, someone he barely knows, yet he is worried shitless for.

Loud heels were heard across the hallway, a woman in her late 40’s, wearing designer clothes, looking rather stern as she got closer to the door of the room you are in. Her arms are crossed as she stands next to it, tapping her heel on the floor, catching the attention of the three people sitting on the chairs.

“Excuse me?” Robin’s weak voice called out and the lady snapped her head towards her with an eyebrow raised up.

“Yes?”

“Who are you?” 

“I am this girl’s mother. Who are you?”

And the three friends froze in their seats. It was your mother. The person you supposedly spent the holidays with, yet, she didn’t look concerned for you, but rather she looked angry, or disappointed.

“We– We’re her friends.” Robin replied with a small voice, because could she even say that? Do you deserve someone like her as a friend? Even as a partner? Someone who forgets what you told them almost a year ago? The woman scoffed, shaking her head.

“Friends? That is surprising. Were you there when she did this?” Her voice was cold, and anger started filling inside of Eddie’s chest. Why is she acting this way when her child is inside that room, fighting for her life? A life she almost took herself?

“N-No, we found her like that…” Robin looked back down again and Eddie could only look at her wrecked face with pity, yet, he could not comfort her. 

“I see. Did the doctor come out or something yet? I have somewhere to be, and I cannot waste my time on this. Not again.”

And the three sitting people shot up from their seats, all with alarmed looks on their faces.

“I’m sorry… again?” Robin asked, the answer scaring her yet she needed to know what it meant. She needed to know if she was an even more horrible person than she was ten seconds ago. Your mother scoffed, shaking her head again and Eddie’s hands turned into fists.

“It’s the third time. I already sent her to a psychiatrist, a mental hospital, and therapists, and yet she still tries. That girl has everything, and yet she always craves attention this way. I’m sick of it.”

And Robin wanted to puke, right then and there, while Steve looked at Eddie with tear-filled eyes and the metalhead could see how bad his friend felt. How evil he must feel. Steve gulped and looked back at your mother, clearing his throat to be able to talk.

“W-Why would she do this?” And your mother scoffed, looking for her phone in her purse as she talked.

“Just because I forgot about the holidays and her birthday. I already sent her a message apologizing and telling her she could ask for anything she wanted, but she went and did this.”

And Robin froze. 

Birthday. 

December 28th.

Your birthday. 

And she couldn’t handle it anymore, yanking herself away from Steve to rush towards the toilet. Steve called out to her, rushing to her aid as tears rolled down his cheeks and Eddie was frozen in place.

Not only did you spend the holidays alone, but you also spent your birthday by yourself, while they were all having fun in Hawkins, shooting fireworks and drinking alcohol to their heart's content. And you were alone, with a bottle of wine and instant noodles.

He was about to talk to your mother, about to insult her, to drag her on the floor, but the opening of the door in front of him made him stop in his tracks as the doctor walked out with a board in his hand.

“Okay, so, we got her blood cleaned up. It’s good that you caught her at such an early stage. Her vital signs look stable now, but she will have to stay here for a few days, two tops, so we can monitor her a bit more.” Your mother cleared her throat and the doctor looked up at her with a tilt of his head.

“So, she’s okay.” And there was such coldness in your mother’s voice that Eddie felt his vile rising in his throat. The doctor only sighed, taking his glasses off.

“She is, but we cannot overlook a suicide attempt. Does she have anyone to talk to? Maybe I can give you brochures for–”

“I already sent her to an institution once, but it didn't work. That child is an attention seeker, pay it no mind.” 

Eddie’s eyes were burning in anger at her words and the doctor looked as surprised and hurt as he did. He cannot bear to hear your mother’s words any longer, so little care, with lack of empathy and lack of love. He wondered how many things you endured with a woman like this in your life, and honestly, he was afraid of finding out.

“W-Well, since you’re the mother, maybe you should–”

“She is a grown woman now. She can make her own decisions as you can see. I shall not worry about her anymore.” And just like that, the heels echoed in the hallway once more and Eddie’s eyes were wide as he looked at her retreating figure. A mother leaving her child after they tried to end their life, like no care in the world, as if she hadn’t given them their life to begin with.

Three times? Three times she did this? Walking away from you? How could she call you an attention seeker? How could she even acknowledge something like that when you were screaming for help?

“Ahem.”

Eddie blinked as he looked towards the doctor who had a confused yet pained look on his face.

“She is awake if you want to see her. I assume you are a friend of hers?” 

Is he? He is not a friend, but you cannot be alone, not here, not right now. Robin is probably trying to breathe while Steve is comforting her, but maybe… Eddie knows you probably don’t want to see them either. None of that group. So he gave the doctor a nod, and he slowly opened the door of the white room.

His eyes scanned it, and finally, they landed on you. Your arms were connected to an IV and a blood transfusion bag, the heart rate monitor beeping right next to you as your back rested against the pillows, letting you sit on the bed. You looked emotionless. Eyes empty. Hand on each side of your body and Eddie knew your mind, your feelings, were completely shut off. 

He gulped with nerves and the door closed behind him, making him wince, but it alarmed you that someone came into the room, making you look up. Your eyes twitched in surprise, yet if you were, you didn’t express it, nor show it. 

“I guess you’re the one that found me?” Your voice was empty, with no tone, as if it were a recording or an AI robot. Eddie slowly nodded as he took a few steps toward the chair that was on the other side of the bed. 

“Robin and I found you.” You gave a slow nod, looking back down to your lap. He didn’t know what to say, he didn’t know anything about you but he feels like he should have. He cleared his throat to continue talking. “I, uh, liked the necklace you got me. Pretty metal.” He winced at his words because it was something he shouldn’t have brought up at all.

Your eyes raised to meet his, another nod going towards his way, diverting your eyes back to your lap. He looked around for a second, the nerves all over his body. He was almost trembling with the need to talk to you, but what can he say? What could be something you want to hear right now? And coming from him?

“Ask away.” He startled at your voice, jumping on his seat as he looked at you once more.

“What?”

“I know you want to ask. And maybe you can also help me by telling the rest about it and how I am not going to talk to them again.” You were still not looking at him and he cleared his throat as he felt his mouth going dry, but now he knew you weren’t going to talk to the others about this. The relationship is already broken inside of you.

“I– Okay, um… I guess the first question is, why?” He slowly asked, afraid of even being able to talk to you about this, but sometimes they say that a stranger is the best listener, and maybe Eddie was just that.

“Why… Only child, homeschooled all my life so no interaction whatsoever with the world, absent mother, holidays and birthdays by myself, father was never found. Need to say more?”

And shit, Eddie was not expecting that at all. You had been miserable from the very beginning, unwanted by your own mother, and now he realized how horrible you must have felt with the whole group. Your first ever friends and they forgot every single detail of you. How you never spent a holiday with people, and was so excited you even baked cookies to share and bought presents for a gift exchange, your first ever most likely, only to never happen.

And now, he realized that… His other friends do not deserve any kind of pity, or forgiveness.

“Okay, then… Why were you scared of me?” At his question, your eyebrow raised up, and turned your head to look at him.

“Is that what you thought?” You asked with complete confusion in her tone. He looked at you with his own frown, tilting his head.

“Well yeah, you avoided me like the plague…” And you looked up at the ceiling, closing your eyes, and shaking your head with a sigh.

“No. I don’t trust people easily as you can see.” You looked down at your lap once again and he wanted to sigh a little bit in relief at that, knowing that his clothes or his whole demeanor didn’t actually scare her. She was just shy and probably nervous.

“Right… Um, Robin and Steve are here as well, do you want me to–”

“No. I don’t want to see them.” And your words spoke for your pain, and Eddie was not going to argue against it. They honestly didn’t deserve your forgiveness or kindness, that much he knew, but he also felt guilty. Really guilty.

“I– I am sorry… I didn’t invite you because I really thought you hated me– and I took everyone away, I didn’t know any of this, I am so sorry if I knew–”

“You weren’t the one who forgot. You don’t know me, but they did.” He gave you a nod in understanding, yet the guilt is still lingering in his stomach. He cleared his throat and he wanted to ease the tension for you, to relieve the somber moment that filled the room.

“So uh, you knew I liked Metallica huh? Is it because of the hundreds of shirts that I own?” Your eyebrow raised at him and you turned to face him while he gave you a cheeky smile of his own. You squinted slightly at him, but a small tug on the corner of your lips gave you away.

“Well yeah, all the times I’ve seen you it was either Metallica or Black Sabbath. It had to be one of the two.”

“What if I only liked their logos, huh?” At that, you rolled your eyes at him, but he kept making jokes at you, and a giggle here and there could be heard in the room. 

Robin and Steve were hearing the both of you outside your room. They looked at each other for a minute before hesitantly walking away. Robin turned her head at almost every step, wanting to barge into the room to hug you, to say she was sorry. But she knew it meant nothing, not anymore, and not ever again.

What she did, what they did, cannot be fixed.

Eddie was lounging with his headphones on as he listened to music while resting against a tree trunk. He was bobbing his head as he wrote some lyrics on the notebook he had over his leg. For the past three days, he hasn’t heard of you. He tried visiting you yesterday only to find out you were discharged and he felt too embarrassed to just go to your apartment.

He had also distanced himself from the group. It didn’t sit right to be with people who could easily forget about something so important like a birthday. You didn’t have any social media, so the least they could do is put the birthday in their own cell phones, like Eddie did as soon as he left the hospital.

It’s not like he didn’t talk to them, he just made excuses when they asked to hang out with him. He just couldn’t shake off the bad vibes from it all. 

He looked up from his lap only for his eyes to bulge out of his skull as he saw you almost prancing in happiness while walking through campus. That’s a good sign, isn’t it? He immediately put his notebook into his backpack and pulled his headphones down, resting them around his neck. He got up, almost tripping as he did so, as he rushed towards you.

“Hey! Hey!” He yelled at you to catch your attention as he got closer. You turned to face him, still with a wide smile on your face.

“Hi, Eddie.” You were smiling, that’s good, that’s really good. He was almost breathing heavily from the run he just did. He wasn’t athletic and the smoking surely doesn’t do him any good.

“Yeah– I just– give me a minute.” He huffed as he tried taking a deep breath in, and you giggled motioning to him to sit on a bench near the both of you. You sat down as soon as he plopped down, taking another huff of air as he turned his head to look at you. “So, what got you all smiley?”

“Well, I just dropped out of college!” You announced with a smile and jazz hands, startling Eddie completely. His face was contorted in confusion and wonder.

“What? Why? You didn’t like what you were studying?” You shook your head as you looked at the horizon, not anything in particular.

“It’s just pointless now.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I’m going to California in three months.” Your head turned to look at him still with a smile on your face. “I’ve been offered P.A.S.” 

He frowned, not knowing what those syllables meant at all. He tried putting them together in his head but nothing was coming up.

“What’s that?”

And Eddie didn’t know why you opened up to him with that. He didn’t know why he didn’t care that you did. He didn’t know why this relationship between the two of you evolved in this manner, as quickly as it did… but he never expected to hear the response you gave him.

“Physician Assisted Suicide.”

And now, Eddie knew that term, and his eyes bulged out of his skull. You were… offered that? How can that happen? You had no health issues to go through something like that, so why would you consider that? Why would the doctors even consider that for you? His heart was just hammering in his chest as dread invaded his gut.

“W-What? Why– how?” He was speechless, not really knowing what he was asking or what he wanted to know at this point. He felt his gut turning at the information like he couldn’t believe someone as young as yourself could even consider that way out. 

“Well, it was due to all my medical records, be it psychological and physical. My mindset never changed.” Your gaze turned from him to nothingness once more. “I go, get help, only to get out and for everything to be the same. It never changes, because it was never me who had to change.”

Eddie slowly blinked at your wording and his eyes drifted to the sky as his thoughts raced through his mind. Can he even talk you out of this? How can he even do that? You seem happy, way too happy with this solution… You were excited.

“You’re not… scared?”

“No. Not at all. I am ready to go. My heart can barely handle it anymore.” And Eddie’s eyes turned towards the profile of your face. You had made your decision clear, and he wouldn’t be able to stop you now. No one can. The group was no longer part of your life, your mother didn’t care about your decision so it seems… and he is no one to stop you.

“Alright… You– um, what are you gonna do until… you know, then?” He asked and you smiled at him, grabbing your backpack to take out your notebook, and flipping a page to show him a list, which made him frown in confusion.

“These are things I never tried because the opportunity never presented itself. Before, I didn’t know–” You cut your voice short at what you were about to say, and then you continued. “Now that I know when it’s gonna happen, I don’t want to go with any regrets.” 

Eddie looked at the list, and he couldn’t believe… how trivial some of these things were. 

- Go to an amusement park

- Smoke a cigarette

- Buy a Barbie Dreamhouse

- Eat a cake for breakfast

- Get high

And then he saw more complicated ones.

- Go skydiving

- Learn to drive (or attempt)

- Try to skateboard

- Ride on a jet ski

- Attempt to make a rainbow cake

And so many more. You had filled an entire page with things you wanted to do and he looked up at you to see you looking up at the sky with a smile on your lips.

“I think I should get the Barbie Dreamhouse first. Oh, maybe get some alcohol, I never got fully drunk, but maybe tonight I can since I don’t have to wake up early anymore–” And you went on with your plans and Eddie was just staring at you as the thoughts ran through his brain.

Everyone else was walking all around the two of you, and nobody knew that you were going to die in three months. No one knew you had made an entire bucket list with things to do before going. No one knew about this decision of yours, and he wasn’t going to let you be alone in this. He doesn’t want you to live these last few weeks with no one at your side.

“You know, or I can make one of your wishes on the list come true.” Your head snapped towards him with a surprised look on your face.

“Oh, what?” And a smirk formed on Eddie’s lips.

“Getting high.”

“Did you prepare the pan?”

“Uh…” 

“Eddie!”

He immediately rushed to grab onto the pan as he burst into giggles thanks to the weed in his system. The munchies came to life with you two after smoking a whole joint from Eddie’s stash. You had the open bag of pizza rolls in your hands, the oven already turned on as you waited for Eddie to put some oil spray on the pan.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I just– I was stuck looking at the wall.” He simply replied to you, making you burst into laughter, trying not to let the pizza rolls fall to the ground. He followed you with chuckles as he sprayed the pan and handed it to you so you could throw the pizza rolls on it and then begin cooking them in the oven.

You were relaxed, that much Eddie knew, and he was smiling as you tip-toed in a dance towards your couch, plopping down. He followed soon after, sitting next to you. You giggled as you stared at the ceiling.

“I feel like I’m on a cloud.” Eddie stared at your profile for a while before he began talking once more.

“I wanna help.”

“Hmm?” You turned to face him still with a dopey smile on your face.

“I want to help you complete some things on your list.” 

And your smile fell as if becoming sober out of nowhere. Eddie then gulped but his resolution was already said and you moved uncomfortably in your place.

“You don’t have to pity me. I can do these–”

“No, you can’t. Learning to drive a car? How do you plan to do that?” At that, you opened and closed your mouth many times and then cleared your throat.

“An instructor!” Eddie rolled his eyes at that, and put his hand up, his fingers up.

“Getting drunk, you need supervision.” He put a finger down. “Going to a concert, you’re gonna get squashed.” He put another one down. “Playing Mortal Kombat, you need an enemy.” He put another and then you stopped him completely, shoving his hand down.

“Okay, okay, okay! I see your stupid point.” You sighed as you threw your head back against the headrest of the couch, looking at your ceiling. He knew you were overthinking it, but he honestly wanted to help you in any way he could. 

“C’mon, there are a few things in your list I am dying to try too. Like– Eating Argentinian food. I never tried that shit, I bet it’s fucking delicious.” You giggled at his expression and then nodded at him.

“Okay, fine. You can help. You will also help me bake that stupid rainbow cake I always wanted to try.” He laughed at that with a shake of his head.

“Another thing I never did in my life was bake. It’s gonna be a journey. Do you have insurance here? We might burn it all down.” At that you punched his shoulder lightly, causing him to laugh it out followed by your giggle. 

And what a journey it was gonna be.

“Seriously, YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO GET ME INTO THIS TOO!” Eddie almost screamed as he looked out the window of the helicopter with a frightened look on his face. Harnesses were all around his body, a man behind him strapping himself closer to Eddie’s back.

You were in front of him, holding your laughter as you held onto a handle on the side of the big machine that was now miles and miles above the ground. The helmets on both of your heads almost crushed your skulls but the protection was needed. Another man was strapping himself to you behind your back.

“Oh come on! You wanted to try new things!” You yelled at him so he could hear you over the loud sound of the helicopter.

“Yes! BUT NOT SKYDIVING! I WAS HAPPY TO WAIT FOR YOU WITH EARTH BENEATH MY FEET!” He yelled back and you were trying really hard to contain your laughter. Suddenly the big door next to the both of you slid open and the wind immediately pushed your body and Eddie’s back from the force but the guys remained still as they held onto the handles above the door.

“You guys ready!?” The one behind you asked and Eddie rolled his eyes behind the goggles.

“DO I HAVE A FUCKING CHOICE?”

“Nope.” The guy behind him said before jumping out with no warning, dragging Eddie with him, and then the guy strapped to you followed close behind. You were screaming your lungs out, and Eddie was shrieking. The adrenaline of falling was making him feel butterflies in his belly, almost making him feel sick.

He can hear you closer now and he raised his head to see you in front of him with your arms splayed out and reaching out for him. He could hear your laughter through your screaming and he reached out, fighting the strong wind, to finally lock his hands with yours as you two were freefalling towards the ground. 

He couldn’t help but smile and cheer out from how extreme the whole situation was. He didn’t know how you weren’t hungover, you had gotten yourself as drunk as possible yesterday night while dancing to his music. He showed you how to headbang properly, and he took care of you when you started letting the contents out in the toilet.

He held your hands as tightly as possible, your fingers intertwined with his, as you both yelled with excitement and fear as you plummeted down and down. You only separated when the men behind your backs tapped on your sides so they could pull the parachute open. 

Your bodies jerked as you started floating in the sky, and Eddie was left laughing as you both glided downwards towards the ground again. He could see the entire city and the fields as you both kept coming down. He turned his head to see you laughing as well, your head looking up at the sky in bliss and he felt his heart tug on him slightly. 

Once you two touched earth again, Eddie let the air out of his lungs with relief and the guy behind him unstrapped himself so Eddie could catch a proper breath, taking the goggles and helmet off. You followed a few seconds later, walking towards him with a smile on your face and taking your goggles off.

“It wasn’t so bad, was it?” You were breathing heavily and he scoffed at you with a shake of his head, flicking his fingers on your forehead.

“I won’t let you drag me into something like this ever again.” 

You laughed at him and you both walked back to Eddie’s van after you paid for the experience. You didn’t let Eddie pay at all, since you dragged him into it. He was going to invite you for dinner though, and you wanted McDonalds, so he was driving back towards town as you two talked in the van.

“So, you never told me about your parents.” You blurted out, catching him by surprise, but you were indeed right. He gripped his steering wheel a little tighter, but he kept a small smile on his face.

“Oh, where to begin? My mother died when I was young and my Father was… very abusive, and often dragged me into stealing with him. He got caught and he’s been in jail for a while now, he’s charged with robbery and homicide attempt.” He took a big gulp in as he kept driving, not used to letting people into his life in this way. ��But, my uncle Wayne took me in at fifteen. He is the father figure my father failed to be.”

You were silent as you listened to him. He didn’t hear anything from you so he turned to face you, only to see you looking at him with tears running down your cheeks. He wondered what was going on in your head at that point. He was about to ask you what was wrong and you sniffled, wiping the tears away with the back of your hand.

“I’m– sorry, I shouldn’t have asked that.” You said regretfully and he instantly shook his head.

“No, no… don’t worry. I’m past it.” He was worried about what you were thinking about at the moment since you remained silent for a while.

“I’m a little jealous to be honest… You had someone that…” And he waited for you to continue, but when you didn’t, he pressed forward.

“Someone that what?”

“Wanted you.”

And his heart broke at that, immediately so, and he knew his eyes started burning from the incoming tears and he shook his head to keep focused on driving. You didn’t need him to cry, you didn’t need that. 

But should he tell you what he thinks? Should he tell you what has been on his mind for the past month that he helped you tick things off your list?

“I–”

“Oh! Before I forget–” You looked through your purse, pulling out your phone as you started scrolling, and he frowned as he tried to look at what you were doing and then back at the road. You giggled and moved away so he couldn’t see. “No peeking!”

“Oh come on, you can’t just do that and not expect me to be anxious!” He laughed as he kept his gaze on the road and then he saw light in his peripheral vision and he looked quickly to see you were showing your phone to him. He switched from the road and to your phone but he couldn’t quite read it. “What’s that?”

“You know how one of the things was to go to a concert?” He nodded and you giggled, putting your phone down again. “I got us two tickets to go see Megadeth!” 

His jaw could just fall from his skull at this point as he tried to focus on driving and not the shock from those news. Did you say Megadeth? Are you serious? Eddie has been dying to see them live but when he got into the virtual line they got sold out in just a few seconds. 

“What?!” He yelled and you kicked your feet on your seat as you stared down at the phone. He was speechless, a smile spreading on his face, only for it to fall back down. “Wait, do you even LIKE Megadeth!?”

“Well, I haven’t heard much, BUT YOU LIKE THEM, and I assumed that we should go to a concert we both can enjoy. I doubt you want to go to a Taylor Swift concert.” You replied with a wiggle of your eyebrows only for him to scoff.

“Taylor Swift has some sick songs. But– Yes, I do prefer Megadeth sweetheart.” He smiled widely at you and then looked back at the road, cheering as he hit the steering wheel with excitement. “Fuck yeah!”

You were laughing on the passenger’s seat and Eddie was smiling all the while as realization started to dawn on him that… he may like something more than Megadeth’s music.

It was a special kind of tune.

“Seriously, how long are you gonna take darling, we had to go like yesterday!” Eddie yelled with a pissed-off tone as he paced in your living room. 

“It’s my first time wearing something like this, it needs to be perfect!” He heard you yell from the bathroom and he sighed, but a smile was splayed on his lips. He was looking out the window as he waited for you in his Megadeth tank top with a black leather jacket on top. He heard the bathroom click open and he sighed in relief, turning around with a roll of his eyes.

“Finally–” And his breath was knocked out of his lungs. Your hair was messy, completely batted, wearing heavy black makeup on your eyes, strong lipstick on your lips, a black top with a black long-sleeved fishnet shirt on top, and then black leather pants below. You gave him a twirl and wiggled your eyebrows at him.

“So!? I had to look at a tutorial on YouTube to get this done, but I think I did pretty good–”

“You look beautiful.” And it was natural. It came out without doubt, without him thinking too much about it, and you were shocked, yet, he noticed how you diverted your gaze away from him, and he chuckled at how embarrassed you got from a compliment regarding your physique. 

“I– uh, it isn’t weird?” You asked and Eddie knew you felt a little self-conscious of how different you looked. But you were indeed beautiful, this just enhanced it in ways he didn’t think could be possible and he felt his knees bending for you.

“It isn’t darling…” 

There was a moment of silence between the two of you and Eddie could only stare at you as he walked closer to your frame. He saw how your shoulders went up and down a littler harder than before, signaling him that you were taking deeper breaths, maybe from nervousness, he didn’t know.

“Um–”

“Sweetheart…” You finally looked at him and he smiled, rolling his eyes. “Can we please go now!?”

And you giggled at him, the tension leaving the both of you as you made your way out to head to his van. 

The ride to the stadium was filled with music, mostly Megadeth which you started listening to since you showed Eddie the tickets three weeks ago. Today signaled the second month of you two completing your bucket list.

One more month to go.

And the concert was filled with screams and laughter from your part, Eddie protecting you from the people pushing against you, but you didn’t care, experiencing your first concert ever, and you wanted to share it with him. This was your first and last concert, and you decided it was gonna be Megadeth, for his taste.

“That was AWESOME! My neck needs ice from all the headbanging though.” You sighed as you two got back into the van after almost three hours of jumping around. Your make up was smudged, your hair looked a little sweaty, and your lipstick had washed away from the sweat, yet, you looked as beautiful as you did hours ago. Even before the makeup. Maybe even more.

“Hey, you were great for your first metal concert.” You giggled at his words and gave him a nod.

“I am a natural.” You smiled at him and he just kept staring at you, licking his lips as he looked down and then moved his whole body in order to face you. The nerves were almost killing him as he tried to formulate the following words.

“I uh– I can help you cross another thing off your list.” You tilted your head in question and you pulled out your notebook from the bag you left in the van with your bucket list and then a green highlighter. 

“What is it?” You smiled at him as you handed them to him and he scanned the whole list, looking for that one thing and when he spotted it, he felt his heart in his throat as he slowly showed it to you, pointing at the line.

Have the first kiss

You blinked once, twice, and then looked up at him with a confused frown in your eyebrows. He gulped loudly and he might have overstepped it, but he still waited for your response and he could see the incoming tears in your eyes as he felt his hands becoming sweaty.

“You– You don’t have to do that… I– You don’t have to do something you don’t want to–”

“I want to. I really want to.” 

He could see that you were nervous, looking everywhere but his face. You didn’t reject him. You were worried that he didn’t want to do this and felt pressured because of your list, and that was far from the truth. 

“I– How does this go?” And he wanted to smile at your innocence, but he felt sadness that you never experienced any kind of physical interaction in all your life. But he smiled anyway, in order to calm your nerves down. He raised his hand towards your cheek once you moved to face him in the passenger seat. Your breathing hitched at his touch, finally looking at him, directly into his brown eyes.

“Just close your eyes. You can tell me to stop whenever, I won’t pressure you, sweetness.”

And his voice was soft, and caring, his thumb smoothing your cheek in circles and when he saw you close your eyes, he took a deep breath in as he slowly leaned in. He could hear his heartbeat in his ears, the blood rushing to his head at a quick pace, but he had to focus. He knew his face was flushed, but he couldn’t help it.

He could smell your perfume still, despite all the jumping, all the sweat, it was still lingering on your body. He finally closed the gap between the two of you in a soft peck on the lips, staying there for two seconds before pulling away as a chill ran down his spine. He wanted to dive into it, take your lips completely, but he didn’t want to overstep. He opened his mouth to ask if you were okay, only to be surprised by your hands grasping his face, pulling him towards your mouth again.

He gasped into the kiss, and he took it as a sign that you wanted to know more, experience more, learn more. So he kissed back, his hand moving towards the back of your head in order to push you further into him as you two hovered over the console. He started to move his lips, slowly, and he felt you follow him, hesitant at first, maybe doubting what you were doing. 

He was having a hard time focusing on not letting his instincts take over, a very horrible time. This was a bad idea. This was a terrible fucking idea and he knew it, but he couldn’t help it. He needed to be the one to give this to you, because if someone else did… he wouldn’t be able to bear it. He didn’t want anyone close to you, not like this.

He felt your hands moving to the back of his head, your fingers digging into his curls, and he held a groan in, trying to not let it show how carnal he was becoming. He was nervous but he wanted to see if you wanted to take it even further, so he poked his tongue out, licking your bottom lip tentatively. 

He heard a gasp coming from you and he noticed that you didn’t get the idea of what he wanted to do, so he tried again, licking in between your bottom and top lip. You seemed to know what part comes next, so you slowly opened your mouth, and he met his tongue with yours, earning another gasp of surprise.

He wanted to know what thoughts were running in your mind right now as he kissed you. Did you feel the heat rising? Did you feel scared like he does? Did you feel happy? Confused? Nervous? What is going on in that head of yours?

He didn’t want to break it apart, he really didn’t, but it’s been minutes, and he didn’t want to overdo it at all, and he can’t hide his real feelings for much longer. He slowly pulled away from you, the smack of lips separating and vibrating all over the van. You two were breathing heavily as you stared into each other’s eyes.

“So? How was that for a first kiss?” He asked breathlessly and he could see something in your eyes that he couldn’t quite describe. It was a mixture of emotions, not one in particular, but he couldn’t pinpoint what it was. He was still holding onto your face, waiting on your response.

“It–” You opened your mouth to say something, only to shut it seconds after, and then a smirk appeared on your lips, pulling away from him to sit straight in the passenger seat. “I don’t know Munson, got nothing to compare it to.”

His mouth fell open, a laugh escaping his lips as he poked the side of your body, making a giggle escape your lips, flinching away from him as he kept poking you repeatedly. 

Yeah… your laugh was better than any song out there.

Five days.

Five days and you were leaving.

And it’s not like you were going to come back. You weren’t going to in any shape or form.

Eddie was lounging on your couch as you put things in cardboard boxes. Things you wanted to donate since you weren’t going to need them any longer. He closed his eyes tightly, his heart aching and wanting to stop you, to yell at you that you didn’t have to do this, not anymore. 

“Okay, I think I’m done for today. You sure you don’t want any of this?” You asked him and he felt as if a knife was stabbed into his throat. He wanted to cry like he had been doing alone at night whenever he went to bed. Sleepless nights were plagued by the thought of not seeing you anymore, of not being able to hug you, of not being able ever to cuddle you like he wanted. 

“Yeah, pretty sure.” He didn’t want to sound bitter or angry, but he couldn’t hide it. You didn’t acknowledge it of course, so you shrugged, closing the box and standing up from the floor before heading to your room. 

He stared at your open door, needing to hype himself up. If it’s not now, he won’t have the chance to do it again. He needs to kiss you once more, he needs to hold you close, he needs to show his feelings through actions.

So he stood up and slowly walked towards your room. You were cleaning up your closet, looking through your shirts. He watched you move through your room, and he looked over to your desk, seeing the almost completed bucket list. Some were just impossible to complete, like riding a kangaroo, but there was a particular one that he wanted to fulfill, and not because it was on the list.

If this was the only chance he could do it, he would take it. You noticed his presence when you turned around with a shirt on your hand and saw him looking at your notebook. You tilted your head to the side as his fingers trailed one particular line that was yet to be highlighted.

“Eds? What’s wrong?” Your voice held worry as you put the shirt back in the closet and Eddie turned his head up to look at you. He turned to close the door behind him, to face you again, taking a few steps forward to stand in front of you.

“I saw one more thing on the list… a thing I want too.” His voice was small, lacking confidence, filled with nerves, but he needed this. He needed you. He hoped he wasn’t getting this wrong, because ever since that kiss the two of you stole glances from one another, laughter as friends turned into flushed giggles. 

“And what is that?” You asked with a frown on your eyebrows, in question. He wrapped an arm around your waist, flushing your body to his, his breath most likely hitting your face as he felt your shoulders move even quicker than before, signaling him you were taking fast breaths.

“Do you trust me on this?” You stared up into his eyes for a full five seconds before slowly nodding at him. He lifted his other hand to cup your face in his palm, and he leaned down to take your lips with his. 

Electricity ran through his body, and he wanted to smile, he wanted to cry, he wanted to yell, he wanted to rip and break the walls, he needed to destroy something, he needed to hug someone, he needed comfort but he also needed the rage. 

Your arms wrapped around his shoulders, holding onto him as your lips moved together, soon tongues intertwining as the seconds passed, and your breathing turned jagged as you pulled away for some air. Eddie leaned down to kiss your jaw, startling you, to then move downwards towards your neck, planting soft kisses onto your skin.

A gasp escaped your lips at the sudden sensation, new, raw, and Eddie felt you shiver under his touch, but instead, you were gripping his shoulders in order to pull him closer as the hand that was on your waist started sneaking under the hem of your shirt so he could touch your skin. 

“Eddie…” It was a partial moan, but he took it as a green light, moving you towards the bed so he could lay you down but before he crawled on top of you he took the chance to take his jacket off, throwing it across the room, not caring where it landed. 

If this was going to be the only time to have you like this, he would make sure to make you feel like the most adored person in the world. He will make sure of it. Even as your moans filled the room, he couldn’t help but want to record them, knowing he won’t ever hear them again.

And that line was highlighted in green when you both woke up the next morning.

Make love

He didn’t want to look at you. 

He couldn’t.

The sun was shining through your curtains as you walked around the apartment with the small carry-on waiting for you at the front door. The past few days the two of you dipped into the sheets, all day, cooking when necessary only to return to bed. 

He really wanted to cry and yell, and he almost left in the middle of the night in order to not see this day. In order to just run away from the fact this was your last hour with him, and you had asked him to take you to the airport. He can ditch you, tell you he wasn’t going to do it, that you could get a cab. 

But he couldn’t do it. His heart was ripping out of his chest at every step you took in your apartment, the seconds ticking closer and closer to the departure of your plane. A plane with no return at all. A one way ticket. 

He looked around your apartment, and boxes of stuff that you wanted to donate surrounded him, as well as bags of your clothes. You told Eddie that he was the only one in your will. That fact broke him to the core, knowing that you were leaving everything to him, but the only thing he wanted was you, and you were going to leave him. 

He didn’t want your pans, your apartment, your cutlery, your game consoles, or TVs. He wanted you, and only you. He didn’t notice that his tears were falling down his face as the lump in his throat became bigger and harder to swallow at every gulp he tried to take. 

“Okay, I think I’m–” You stopped on your tracks when you saw his profile, noticing the tears, your eyes widening as you approached him, your hands cupping his cheeks for him to look at you. “What’s wrong?”

“You’re leaving me.” He wasn’t going to hold back his feelings anymore. He showed you through his actions, but he never said them out loud, and the least he can do is let you know this.

“What–”

“I love you.” Your eyes widened and your mouth hung open at his confession, but Eddie didn’t stop talking. “You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met, and fuck, you need to know how much I fucking want you.”

You were stunned into the ground and that’s when Eddie turned to look at you, only to see tears running down your face as you covered your mouth, taking steps away from him.

“You– You can’t say that to me, not now. Please– Please– not now.” You were choking into your sobs as he stood in front of you, coughing to be able to speak.

“I– I want you to stay… Please, don’t take that flight… I beg of you, please, stay with me…” His lip was trembling as he felt nausea fill his stomach, taking a few steps towards you as the crying finally was heard through the apartment.

“I– I don’t need your pity! I– I am happy I am doing this! You’re lying in order for me to stay, and I’m not going to buy it!” You yelled through your sobs, and Eddie felt his chest ripping open at your thoughts.

“I am not lying! I am in love with you! Why can’t you believe that!?” He was screaming now, trying to get his point across but you also didn’t back down, yelling back to him with the same confusion, with the same anger, with the same sadness.

“Because how can I trust that!? How can I trust you!?” And Eddie grabbed you onto your shoulders, squeezing you tightly in order for you to look at him and not run away. His eyes were on fire as he gazed at you through his tears.

“Trust me just like you trusted me to hold your hair back when you got too drunk and you were in the toilet! Trust me just like you trusted me to teach you how to drive! Trust me just like you trusted me to protect you in your first night club outing! Trust me just like you trusted me when I made love to you!” 

And the screaming ceased, eyes locked into one another’s, tears still streaming down, never stopping, heavy breathing trembling against every wall. You were shaking under his touch, your lips trembling as your hands shook on your sides while he still gripped onto your shoulders. You opened your mouth to talk once more, your voice small, broken.

“You… One day you will get tired of me, but you will feel bad for leaving me, so you won’t… I can’t– I can’t chain you like that–” Your voice was breaking his heart, even more than before, and he shook his hair desperately as he let go of your shoulders so he could grab your hands and hold them with his, getting closer to you.

“No, no… I won’t ever get tired of you… Not you, not in a million years…”

“Eds…”

“Please… Please don’t go… Please, trust me.” 

You sobbed a gulp of air and you raised in order to give him a soft kiss on the lips. His breathing hitched at it, but kissed you back, dread filling his core, every vein, every blood cell instantly freezing at what the future will hold, of what this kiss meant. You pulled away with a small smile on your face. Small, authentic, yet sad.

“I love you, Eddie… I’m sorry…”

And your flight took off that day.

“Mr. Munson…”

“Mr. Munson…”

“Mr. Munson!”

Eddie jolted in his seat as he put his wallet down to look up at his group of students. Gregory was raising his hand and Eddie pointed at him so he knew he was acknowledged.

“Sorry, I got lost in my thoughts. What’s wrong Mr. Gill?” He asked and his student asked something about the textbook they were all reading. His college students. He began explaining the paragraph that seemed like a puzzle to students from the book “Down the Rabbit Hole”.

He graduated in Psychology three years ago. He was offered a job as a professor in the same college he graduated from, and he was more than happy to pass his knowledge to other students to help them understand how the brain works, and the many branches that can come out of it after every single situation in life. Traumatic or not.

Once his students went back to reading, he grabbed onto his wallet again, looking inside to see a picture of you and him, completing one of your bucket list’s objectives. 

Go to an amusement park and get pictures taken in a photo booth. 

He chuckled as he remembered that outing, how you had screamed at your first ride on a roller coaster.

He became friends with Steve once again but was still not fond of the rest of the group. The only reason he got close to Steve again was because he was also a teacher in the same college. He was a professor in physical trauma, so, in their breaks, they would smoke together as they walked through campus. 

The bell rang and it was time for him to finally head home after a long day of having four classes in the day. He grabbed his suitcase, hoping no student would stop him on his way out and gladly it never happened. His hair is still the same length, but he is always using a ponytail or a bun on his head. 

He has heard rumors that people always gossip about him, asking if he was single, or what was his life like outside college. He shrugged the comments away as they weren’t important at all. He just came to work and that’s it.

He got into his car, a black jeep he saved a year for in order to buy it. He missed the van, but he had to upgrade it once and for all. His van was a little old so replacement parts were a bitch to get. He turned on his car and then started his drive back to his home, a two-story house. It wasn’t big or luxurious, but it was his home.

He sighed in relief as he opened the door, throwing his suitcase on the couch after slamming the door closed. He cracked his neck a few times before taking his blazer off and then his tie, unbuttoning the first two buttons of his shirt and opening the cuffs at the end of the sleeves. He groaned with satisfaction as he sniffed the air.

He smiled as he walked towards his kitchen, leaning against the doorway, his arms crossed over his chest, his teeth showing into a massive grin. 

“Hi baby.” You smiled widely at him as you took the pan out of the oven, filled with cookies that were freshly baked. He walked towards you, his hand stretching out in order to grab a cookie, only for it to get slapped away by you. “They’re hot!” 

“I am strong, I can handle a little bit of burning.” He grinned down at you, leaning down to give you a soft kiss on the lips in greeting. “Were my princesses hungry for cookies?”

“Are you talking to me or…” He chuckled at the pout on your face and he bent down to kiss the big bump on your belly, standing up straight later on, wrapping his arms around you and pulling you close to him.

“Those two are my princesses, you, my love, are my queen.” You rolled your eyes at his antics but you giggled either way. He gave you a smooch on the cheek, making you laugh, trying to push him away. He spotted something on the kitchen counter, pulling away from kissing you and getting the item in his hand.

“Oh! Yeah, Chrissy gifted that! She said–” Eddie laughed as he looked at you and then putting the two pink pacifiers that you can put flavored ice in so they can chew and help with the heat.

“Another gift!? Damn, she really wants to be the godmother of one of our princesses huh.” You pushed onto his shoulder with a pout on your bottom lip.

“Hey, she is going to be the best aunt.” Eddie nodded at that and he really wasn’t angry at Chrissy. You met her after you moved out of your apartment to go to Eddie’s. She was moving in at the same time you were, and you two helped each other in bringing the boxes in. 

Yes, your flight took off that day… Without you in it.

You stayed with him, wrapped in his arms as you cried, not being able to stop as your feelings confused you, scared you, your mind a jumbled mess but Eddie held you through it. Eddie wasn’t going to let you go, never, and he promised it, over and over again into your ear, hoping it stuck to your brain.

“Oh no baby, I don’t doubt that.” He smiled at you as you started taking the cookies off the tray, taking care of your hands so that you don’t burn yourself. Eddie just stared at you with adoration in his eyes, as if you held the entire world in your hand, and you did. You are his world. You are everything.

You turned to look at him, raising an eyebrow in question, wondering if he was scheming something that you didn’t know about.

“Now, what is going on in that mind of yours Munson?” He found it ironic that you can easily ask that question to him when he wanted to ask that to you many times before. He smiled at you, wrapping his arms around your waist from behind, his hands resting below your bump, holding onto it as he felt his two daughters moving inside of you.

“I just love you Mrs. Munson…” You turned your head to give him a soft kiss on the cheek, before focusing once again on the cookies.

“And I love you.”

After a moment of silence, he pressed a soft kiss on the side of your neck, surprising you, yet a giggle escaped your throat.

“Thank you.” That confused you, turning your head to look at him and he was already smiling fondly at you.

“For what?”

“For trusting me.”

The end.

a/n: this story explores the idea of death, the idea of being ready to receive it with open arms, with a rational head. But it also explores the fact that things get better if you meet the right people. It might not be now, it might not be tomorrow. It might take years for you to do so, and people in your life will come and go.

But there will always be that one person. And that is all you will ever need.

Taglist of people I mentioned this to: @littlesubbyflower @munson-blurbs @andvys

[lvlybin]

𖦹 ̼   ᮫   DUMB N POETICᘞ̸⠀ ׁ ₊ KIM JI WOONG

summary   ༝༚༝༚ … when you received your assignment for the professor you would study under for your student teaching, you were ecstatic. and when you met Dr. Kim, things got even better. he was intelligent, helpful, kind, and not to mention extremely handsome. he also seemed to not care about the fact that you were supposed to have no romantic relationship with him. and Jiwoong also seemed to think that you were too dumb to notice all of the things he was doing behind your back. but God forbid if you ever tried to leave him in the same fashion he never hesitated to do with you 18+ MDNI

wc 12082 !  ૮ ྀི◞ ⸝⸝ ◟ ྀིა   ۫  ੭̲    𝓴jw & 𝓯!reader   ⊹   teacher x student teacher, university!au ( short n sweet mini series ) ( library )

爱    ࿁ ⠀ ˚⠀ warnings … VERY oc Jiwoong (he would never act like this), toxic!Jiwoong, cheating, manipulation, age gap of 5 years, self-doubt, my attempts at writing angst, there’s some lowkey messed up things in this so be warned   ︩︪ ׅ

✉️ thank you for all of your guys’ support and patience! didn’t expect to get this carried away with this fic, but o well. this IS NOT PROOFREAD lol, I wanted to get it out so I’ll come back around to editing it soon!

18+ warnings ... unprotected p in v sex, dry humping, nipple play, cum play?, Jiwoong really likes kissing, lowkey a possession kink

The amount of effort you put into everything was one of the qualities you admired most about yourself. Being hardworking was so satisfying to you, following the rules, and doing what was right. Those things set you on a solid path to follow your dream. Sure, you had never thought you would’ve wanted to become a teacher, but as you got older, you found yourself thriving whenever you spent time with kids. Surprisingly, instead of finding it draining, you were rejuvenated by helping them, and the thought of having a positive impact on such young minds was what ultimately drove you to pursue teaching. Everything that everyone has ever told you about the profession: “The pay doesn’t match the workload,” “You’ll get tired of it before the end of the first year,” “Are you sure you have the patience to work with kids?” never deterred you from it. 

You wanted to teach kids about the qualities that were so important to you.

The years of schooling passed by quickly for you, concentrating on becoming the best you could and spending time with your friends to make sure you didn’t miss out on the university experience. And it was fun, the time of graduation seemingly so far away. Until it wasn’t, and the program was beginning to sort out the final hurdle that your class had to get through–student teaching. Teacher assisting, whatever you wanted to call it, the assignments were slowly passed out, and while your peers received locations at surrounding primary and secondary schools, you were one of the few who would work at a university. 

“We think that a higher level of education would suit you better. You’re one of the best students we have in this program.” Was what your professors had told you when you’d requested to switch to a primary school. You were flattered, of course, your hard work was being recognized, but you didn’t understand why you would be working with an older group of students that might as well be as old as you when you were studying to work with younger kids. 

And your plans to switch anyway were rudely interrupted when the email from the professor you would be working under came through. It was the basics: excited to be working with you, this is what we’re doing this semester, here’s what I need you to prepare for… etcetera. Signed Dr Kim. Maybe it was a bit immature of you to complain to your friends about this opportunity, but you proceeded to despite it. 

Giselle’s eyes widened when you mentioned who you were studying under.

“Are you being serious?”

You had furrowed your eyebrows and nodded, confused at her surprised tone. 

“YN-ie, Dr Kim is like, a big deal– didn’t even know he took student teachers…”

You huffed out a breath, annoyed as you scribbled over your notes a bit. “Yeah, well, then you can have him. All I wanted was to work with some primary students but nooo–”

“Older kids won’t be half the trouble little kids will be,” Giselle mumbled, and you figured she was probably thinking about her own assignment.

“Little kids wouldn’t judge me half as much as these older kids will,” you countered and that was that. 

The thought still circled around your mind as you arrived at the university for your first day, nerves practically eating you alive as you navigated your way to Dr Kim’s classroom. Your parents had always taught you to be earlier than necessary, and thank goodness for that, considering it took you a good twenty minutes to find the room. You knew this place was big, but you thought that the online map would’ve been at least a bit more helpful. After asking one janitor and two other professors where Dr Kim’s room was, you finally approached the door. 

Softly, you tapped your knuckles against the wood a few times. On the other side, a warm voice called out, “It’s open!” Another rush of adrenaline ran through you as you sucked in a deep breath, gripping the papers of the requirements for your program in one of your hands as you pushed open the door. 

That breath was instantly stolen from you as you peeked inside, the man sitting at the desk in the corner of the room was more attractive than any other person you’d met before. Like an idiot, you stood in the doorway for a moment, eyes trailing over his sharp facial features, the curve of his pale pink lips, the way his glasses were sat on his nose, and how his dark hair was pushed back in a way that was clearly careless to him but looked anything but. You tried to ignore how his white button-up shirt clung to his arms and chest as he turned in his chair to look over at you. Suddenly, you felt very self-conscious about the black blouse and brown dress pants you were wearing. 

“Ms Kang?” You blinked harshly as his uttering of your last name snapped you out of your thoughts. 

A smile forces its way onto your lips as you take a step into the hall, closing the door gently behind you. “Yes, hi, nice to meet you,” you say, tilting your head in a small bow. You think your brain short circuits as he smiles back at you, but you can’t really tell. 

Dr Kim leans back in his chair, “Nice to meet you too. Are you excited for your first day?”

No, you think to yourself as you remain across the room from him.

Instead, you keep the smile up as you nod slightly. “I’m excited. Mostly nervous though.”

He chuckles as he gestures for you to come over to his desk. The sound of the heels of your shoes clicking on the floor resounds throughout the space as you approach him. Unfortunately, he’s even more perfect up close. “Don’t be. You’ll be great, not that I’m having you do much today anyway.” You do your best to follow his words, eyes flicking everywhere but his own. 

You miss the way Dr Kim tilts his head a little. “Hey,” he says, his voice the epitome of comfort to you already, and your eyes finally move to meet his. It’s difficult for you to decipher what he’s thinking, to tell if the caring gleam in his dark irises is real or not. “I’ll be here to help you. You’ll be great,” he repeats and you nod a little. 

“Not to sound ungrateful, but I was supposed to be working with younger kids,” you laugh softly and the smile on Dr Kim’s lips doesn’t fade in the slightest. 

“You want to work with primary students then?” You nod and he lets out a little sound of acknowledgment. “Well, Ms Kang, from what I’ve heard about you is that you’re exceptionally bright for your age.” 

“I’m not–” 

He cuts you off, “Ah, none of that.” Dr Kim extends a hand towards you, gesturing towards the bag on your shoulder. “You can just put that in my office and then come back out here. I’m excited to begin working with you.” 

You don’t think the flush on your face goes anywhere for the rest of the day. Dr Kim told the truth, for the first day you barely did anything except pass out materials and help him organize things, but it was plenty for you. Thankfully, none of the students seemed to be too interested in you, all focused on the material of the class. And you found yourself falling into the same trap. 

It was easy to understand why Dr Kim had the reputation he did, the way he spoke captured everyone effortlessly. You could tell he was intelligent and he was so well-spoken that he made even the most boring material seem interesting. The end of the teaching day was there before you could process it. 

Small talk was made between you and Dr Kim as you stood at the podium at the side of the room, collecting and sorting through lecture notes from the day as he sat at his desk, grading something that according to him was from the previous week. As you finish, you glance over at him, collecting the papers in your hands before walking back over to his desk. 

“All done,” you say quietly, setting the stack down on the corner of the furniture. Dr Kim looks briefly over at you as he nods his head once. 

“Thank you for helping me with that.”

You laugh a little, “It’s my job.”

He smiles, “I know it’s your job, but I wanted you to know that I appreciate you helping me with these things.” Dr Kim pauses for a moment before continuing. “Good job today, I’ll have you get more involved as the week goes on. Hopefully, by next week you’ll be ready to teach some of the lessons.”

“Sounds good,” you agree. A beat of silence.

“And… I want you to know that I’m here to help you if you need anything,” Dr Kim says and when he looks up at you, you have to push away the way your heart speeds up. “I want to know if you’re struggling, if you don’t understand something, if you have any worries.” The soft look in his eyes appears again, and you can tell this time–it’s true. “This can be a hard career to be in, for many reasons, and I want to be someone for you to lean on.”

You nod again, feeling your face warm up just a bit, and you hope he thinks it’s just the blush that you’d put on that morning. “Of course.” 

There’s a satisfied look on his face as he turns back to his monitor. “You can head home for the night, then. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Slightly dazed, you quickly retrieve your bag from his office before going to leave. 

“See you tomorrow, Dr Kim! Have a good night,” you call to him as you open the door to his classroom. 

“You too,” you hear him say. “And YN?” The use of your first name stuns you a bit, for more reasons than one, and you glance over your shoulder to look at him. 

“Yes?”

“Call me Jiwoong.” Suddenly, the students judging you was no longer your main concern. 

The rest of the week passes by in a blur, and you find yourself meeting those expectations that Jiwoong was hoping for. Students began letting you help them with things they didn’t understand, Jiwoong was letting you sit next to him and watch as he graded papers (no matter how boring it seemed), and you found yourself becoming comfortable. Any doubts you’d had about working with university students melted away because, not to jinx yourself, but it was surprisingly easy. Especially with Jiwoong helping you every step of the way.

You weren’t faring any better with his presence, every little compliment he gave you only made your cheeks warm as you would try to stifle a smile and avoid eye contact. Not that you would see the way he didn’t bother trying to hide how the corners of his lips rose. Because if you did, the small crush you had would only grow. You hated admitting it, but yes, it was a crush. A small, tiny, school-girl crush that you were positive at least half of Jiwoong’s female students had on him as well. It almost couldn’t be helped–he was so kind, he handled you with such ease, and he was so knowledgeable. 

There was one night when you’d stayed with him in his classroom as it grew dark outside, expressing your worries for your future. Maybe it was wrong to open up in the way you had to someone who was supposed to be your mentor, your superior, but you had anyway. There was just something about him that made you feel so comfortable, so safe. You trusted him easily, and you barely began to notice the way things were progressing. 

About two weeks after you’d begun student teaching, Jiwoong had messaged you late on a Saturday night. 

The text itself wasn’t anything that should’ve been suspicious or out of the ordinary, just an update on a task he wanted you to complete over the weekend, it was the time he’d sent it at. Almost one in the morning. Against your better judgment, you’d asked him why he was up so late.

Dr Kim, Student Teaching Program

Sometimes I lose track of time when I’m grading things.

Sorry if I woke you up.

His response comes quickly, and you roll over in your bed as you think of how to respond. 

No, it’s okay. I was up anyway

Dr Kim, Student Teaching Program

You should be sleeping.

The smile that fights its way onto your lips almost makes you forget that this man is five years your senior, and technically your teacher. 

Too many assignments that I don’t understand that need to be done by Monday.

Dr Kim, Student Teaching Program

Call me.

So you did, and for half an hour he did help you with the work you had been struggling through, but eventually, the topics began to change. What did you do that night? What did you have for dinner? What are you doing tomorrow? 

Jiwoong spoke to you like you were an old friend of his, and you hated the way it made you feel. It made you feel important to him, like he was telling you things he wasn’t sharing with anyone else and confiding in you. Even if it was just the type of wine he’d been drinking that night. The hours ticked on, and eventually, his voice grew just a bit husky, cluing you into how he was probably getting tired.

“I’m gonna take your advice and go to bed,” you say softly into the device, your phone lying next to your head on your pillow. 

The noise he makes almost sounds like a protest. “What? It’s only… almost four in the morning, jeez–” You laugh softly, feeling your eyes droop. A moment of silence passes between the two of you. “Stay on the phone with me. Please.”

Somewhere in your dazed mind, you know if you were more awake then you would probably be kicking your feet while your heart would beat wildly. “I don’t know…” you mumble, eyes closed now.

“No, please, YN. Just… I like talking with you.”

You sniffle softly, not completely processing his words as you think about how your allergies must be acting up again. “Okay,” you breathe, giving up easily. Jiwoong lets out a breath of relief from the other side of the phone. “‘M gonna go to sleep, though.”

There’s a hint of a smile in his voice as he speaks up again, “You can go to sleep, sweet girl, I’ll stay on the phone with you.” The nickname makes your breath hitch. It feels like those two little words have erased almost every boundary between the two of you, and you nod even though he can’t see you.

“Good night, Jiwoong.”

“Sweet dreams, sweet girl–” You drift off before you hear the rest of his sentence. 

The next morning, when you wake up, your phone is dead and you curse at yourself a little for forgetting to plug it in before you fell asleep. As you get up to brush your teeth and wash your face, you plug it in, and when you return, you notice the single message from Jiwoong from about an hour ago.

Dr Kim, Student Teaching Program

I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable last night. It won’t happen again. 

The words are sweet and they make you feel giddy as you unlock your phone.

Not at all! It was nice, my phone just died cause I didn’t have it plugged in :(

Was the frowny face professional? Absolutely not, but neither was falling asleep on the phone with the professor that you were currently studying under. And when he sends back a smiley face, you can’t help but let the thought of him possibly returning your small crush grow a bit. 

A little bit of worry creeps in as well as you think about the consequences that could come along with this, but you brush them off before you can consider it for too long. You trusted Jiwoong, he knew what was right and what was wrong. After all, you recall an hour-long conversation the two of you had had about his love for self-help books. If something went too far, he would stop it. 

Repeating that thought to yourself is what helps you pluck up enough courage to accept his request to call again that night. And the night after that after you had stayed till almost eight at night in his classroom with him. The two of you hadn’t even gotten any work done, opting for talking about anything and everything as he skimmed the same essay at least ten times. 

White noise from your ceiling fan fills your room as you stare at the blades, watching as they spin around and around while you listen to Jiwoong talk about some movie that is coming out soon that he wants to see. 

“Is this wrong?” you ask him abruptly when he finishes his sentence. On the other side of the line, he’s quiet.

“What do you mean?”

“For us to be on the phone like this…” you trail off as Jiwoong chuckles a little. 

“No. I’m making sure you’re getting the proper amount of sleep you need, remember?”

You scoff, smiling as you roll your eyes. “Cause you’re so boring.”

“You would not still be talking to me the way you do if I was boring.” There’s a double meaning to his words. You’re not dumb, you can tell, especially after working with Literature majors for what was nearing a month. 

“...You know what I mean.”

Jiwoong hums, “I do.” His effortless acknowledgment of the subject has you reeling. How could he be so casual about this? Like he couldn’t get in trouble if someone found out about the way you two had been interacting outside of the workplace? “It’s not wrong. We’re both adults.”

“But you’re technically my teacher…” 

You feel like you said the wrong thing as soon as the words leave your mouth. Like acknowledging it was making it all seem too real for him, and you hear Jiwoong sigh softly. “Not really.” 

You open your mouth to speak but before you do, Jiwoong continues. “I don’t want you to do anything you’re not comfortable with, and I know this situation isn’t… ideal. That is, if you feel the same way I do.”

It was like everything else was forgotten for you. Everything about how this shouldn’t be happening in the slightest, how either one of your careers could be ruined if someone ever found out about this leaving your mind because it was just you and Jiwoong now. Jiwoong. Not Dr Kim. 

Your heart is racing as you speak softly into the phone, “How do you feel?”

The way he doesn’t say anything at first tells you he’s thinking deeply. Probably considering how to word things without making things seem more taboo than they already were. For a moment, it’s almost like he’s there with you–you can see his dark brown irises and the thin curve of his upper lip, and you can smell one of the custom blends of cologne he loves creating so much. You close your eyes and listen to his breathing, pretending that he’s lying right next to you. 

“I like you. A lot,” he says plainly, the man that you know to be so poetic with his words suddenly gone. “You’re the highlight of my day, the person that I rely on to make everything better even though you don’t realize it. I want to see you all of the time, not just in the professional setting.” 

You don’t know what to say, don’t know what to think, your thoughts a muddled mess of everything you believed to be right and everything that you had deemed wrong. This didn’t feel real. You must’ve fallen asleep. You pinch your thigh softly as you continue staring at the back of your eyelids. There was no way this wasn’t a dream. 

“I keep picturing you across the table from me at a nice restaurant because a girl like you should be spoiled. I want to experience new things with you, I want to watch you achieve your dreams and grow as a person. I… I want to see you when I come home in my t-shirt with dinner ready, and I want to watch you fall asleep, and be there when you wake up–”

“Jiwoong,” you interject. “Come pick me up.”

When he arrives at your apartment, you don’t bother changing out of your pajamas as you lock the door behind you, rushing to the elevator and out into the parking lot. The air feels heavy with humidity as you spot Jiwoong’s car. Every shred of hesitance you have is gone, as you get into his car, breathing heavily as you make eye contact with him. It wasn’t just the temperature that was making you feel warm anymore, it was this feeling between the two of you as he put the car into drive and took you back to his place. 

You couldn’t even describe it. Tension wasn’t the right word because it felt like so much more than that. Like you had found the right place to fit your soul and it was being kept from you. Like you were the positive end of a magnet being pulled away from the negative side. You never thought you’d be able to feel so deeply for someone, but as Jiwoong’s hand slips into your own and he guides you into his apartment, the concept of loving someone more than yourself suddenly makes sense to you.

Regret is the last thing on your mind when your back hits the door and his lips are meeting yours. The rim of his glasses knocks against your nose a bit, but all you can feel is his hands gripping the skin of your waist. Jiwoong kisses you like he’s done it before, handling your body against his like you’re all he’s ever known. His tongue gently explores your mouth, his teeth biting down a little on your lower lip as he pulls away to rest his forehead on yours.

“Do you want this?”

You let out a deep breath, “Yes.”

He kisses you deeply again, and you taste the wine he must’ve been drinking before calling you. Jiwoong’s hands are careful as he pushes you back towards his bedroom, laying you back on his bed and the look in his eyes is one that you don’t want anyone else to see as he removes your shoes. 

They’re practically glowing as they trail back up to your face, his cheeks are the same color as rosebuds and his lips are swollen from the way he’d been working them against your mouth. Hesitantly, you reach up, fingers removing his glasses from his face. The action is almost domestic, as if it was something you’d done together countless times before. When he blinks softly, you can tell his vision is adjusting, probably a little fuzzy without the aid of his prescription. 

His pupils are blown and his lips are slightly parted and, yeah, you don’t want anyone else to see him like this.

Jiwoong lowers himself back over you, body already acting on instinct as he leans to kiss you again. The feeling of the minimal amounts of your skin on his, his scent filling your mind, his hands coming up to hold your face to him as he deepens the kiss has you clutching onto his glasses still in your hand pathetically. His tongue practically licks into your mouth and your heart races at the feelings coursing through you. 

“So good… You taste so good…”

“Jiwoong–” He wraps his arms around you, pulling you closer to him as his lips continue moving against yours. His taste takes over you as his tongue slowly flicks over your lower lip, gently requesting entry for an even deeper kiss.

“You’re so good. I can’t get enough of you. My sweet girl,” he says against your mouth, each syllable muffled by the gentle press of his tongue against yours as his hands slowly glide down your sides, softly tracing over your frame.

All of your rationale is consumed by desire as you press closer to him, his hands trailing down to your hips as he flips over, helping to maneuver you onto his lap. When you feel his fingers dip beneath the waistband of your sleep shorts and dig into your flesh over the thin fabric of your underwear.

“I tried, I tried so hard to resist you. But I can’t help it, YN, I want to enjoy you. Want to feel you.” Jiwoong’s voice is thick with need as he looks at you. 

You nod softly. You’ve never wanted anything so badly before. “Please,” you agree.

Jiwoong smiles as you speak. “Do you really want this?”

Trying to think clearly for a moment, you do your best to think of what this could result in. This wasn’t just going to be a one-time thing, you knew that, and you still had a few months left for your student-teaching. But you cared about Jiwoong. You cared about him and you knew that you could make this work. You weren’t dumb.

So, you nod a little again, “I’m sure.”

“Okay,” he breathes. “Promise to tell me if you want to stop?”

His nose bumps against yours as he speaks, arms encircling you tighter, his body slowly pushing up to you. Your hands find his face again as he leans back against the pillows by his headboard. “I promise.”

Your heart flutters when his hands slip under the bottom of your shirt. “I’ll be gentle, and I’ll stop whenever you want, I just want to hold you and– and feel you–”

He cuts himself off with a low groan, your hips subconsciously rolling down onto his. You’re glad for the thin layers of clothing you’re wearing as you watch his head tilt back. Jiwoong’s breathing quickens as he moves his fingers down your spine, body continuing to push closer to you and you can feel the outline of his dick through his sweatpants, his length pressing up into your clit easily. 

“You want me?”

Jiwoong responds instantly, bodies still moving gently against one another with an underlying need. “I want you. I want this, I want more–” He seems to regain a bit of his control as he lifts your shirt over your head, your skin bare beneath it and his fingers go up to flick at your nipples instantly. You jerk against him, the added sensations making your body move desperately to get more friction on your clit. 

“From the first time I saw you,” Jiwoong begins against your skin as he moves his lips from your cheek to your neck, teeth grazing your skin. “I knew you were going to drive me crazy because I couldn’t have you but– God, but you’ll let me have you anyway right?”

You moan weakly, feeling the wetness begin to build up in your panties, “Yes!”

One of his hands leaves your tit to go to your neck, tracing over a bite mark he’d left on the flesh. His voice has a hint of a tremble in it as his breathing becomes heavier, “I’ve never wanted anyone or anything more than I want you. I can’t resist you, can you feel it? Can you feel how much I want you?”

You can, you’re grinding down onto him and it must be painful–how much he wants you. 

“I want to hear you, sweet girl, I want to hear you moan, and cry out.” He pinches your nipple softly and you yelp, feeling that coil in your stomach begin to tighten. “I want to see you come undone.”

His hands push you further down in his lap as you let out a plea of his name, teetering right on the edge. It’s pathetic, honestly, he’s barely done anything and you’re still so close. But you’re so pent up from his teasing and his words and how beautiful he is. His smell, his words, how easy this all feels. 

“Don’t hold back, YN, it’s okay… I want you to feel good.” You grip at his shoulders desperately, eyes squeezing shut as your orgasm hits you suddenly. “There we go, baby, come for me. You’re doing so well.”

Jiwoong doesn’t give you a moment to breathe, moving you so you take his spot against the pillows while he removes his clothing. If you didn’t feel so dazed, you would be able to appreciate the sight of his bare torso more, the way the muscles ripple under his skin as he moves on to his sweatpants. When he’s just in his boxers, Jiwoong presses his lips to your neck again.

He continues to kiss and nibble against the skin, taking his time and enjoying you, just like he said he would. The thought makes your thighs press together, another wave of arousal already passing through you again. You press your face into his hair, breathing in his scent as his teeth meet your neck. Jiwoong lets out a soft, shuddering sigh as you press your nose into the strands, his hands going back to traveling over your bare torso, circling your nipples. 

“You’re mine?” His voice is thick with emotion, his words almost slurred as his mouth travels downwards to capture one of the buds in his mouth, suckling it softly and making you whine. You press a hand over your mouth, biting against it and muffling a moan as his hands move over your stomach and near the edge of your panties. He squeezes your hips, biting the bundle of nerves he has between his lips softly. 

“Don’t muffle it, baby, I want to hear you.”

Everything about this feels so intimate. Like you’ve never reached this level of connection with another person, and all you can do is continue thinking of him. Your thoughts simply being: Jiwoong, Jiwoong, Jiwoong.

He’s removing your shorts along with your panties, “That’s a good girl… I want to feel more, come on, sweet girl, are you okay? Do you want to go further? You’re doing so well.”

“Yes, I want more,” you respond instantly. You’d be a fool not to and your heart steadies when you glance down to see the smile on his lips. 

“You’re doing so well, my sweet girl, I’m so proud of you.” Jiwoong places one last kiss on your stomach before he leans up to kiss your lips again. Your head is swimming with desire, from being with him, from tasting his skin, from feeling him close to you like this. 

You suck in a deep breath when he parts from you. “You can keep going.” His fingers brush over your ribs as he holds your face again, mouth pressing firmly against yours, exploring every inch of you as your bodies meld together. Everything feels so warm and it’s getting hard to breathe, but you wouldn’t want it any other way.

“Please, Woongie, I want it–” The only thing separating your entrance from his cock is the material of his boxers, and you reach down to fumble with the waistband. Jiwoong chuckles softly, lips moving over your jaw. When you finally succeed in pushing them down enough to free his length, he slowly pulls back to look at you.

Jiwoong’s thumb runs over your lips at a speed that truly shows his control. “I want to be the only one who can make you feel like this.” You part your lips, taking the digit into your mouth. He lets out a low, soft moan as you swirl your tongue around his thumb, his eyes closing briefly before he opens them again. His gaze is the darkest you’ve ever seen it as he slides his finger out and away from your tongue. 

“I want to be closer to you,” he trails off as he pecks your shoulder, and you groan when you finally feel the thickness of his tip run through your folds a few times before it finally gets caught on your entrance. “I want to know everything about you, want to explore every inch of you, to feel every part of you… I want to know what makes you feel good, how you like to be touched… kissed, every sound you make when I make you feel good.”

His mouth kisses over the shell of your ear as he speaks, “You’re mine. I want you, I want you so badly.”

“I know– I trust you.” It’s the last thing you get out before he’s stretching you open. The thickness of him fills you perfectly, every movement from him making you want to forget taking a moment to adjust and let him fuck you. His mouth is right next to your ear and you can hear every little breath, every little strained whimper leave him as you clench around him, shaping yourself to the shape of his cock. 

Finally, after a moment of letting his hips sit against yours, enjoying the feeling of being connected, you whine. “Move, move, you can move–”

It doesn’t take him long to listen to you, thrusts beginning slow and deep as you cry out. His hands trail up and back down your side as he pushes into you at a pace that makes you want to sob from frustration. You feel your head spin as his mouth travels over your neck, lips pressed against your cheek before he kisses you again. 

He starts moving a bit more, thrusts sharp as he quickly finds that little mushy spot inside of you, rubbing against it again and again to the point where you’re feeling the tears well up in your eyes.

“I’d do anything to have you like this. Always.” You barely register his words, the sound of skin slapping and the wetness of your juices almost drowning them out. Weakly, your fingers curl into his sheets as his pace slows, hips rolling against yours. “I want to be closer to you– closer, I need to feel you more.”

“How–” you get out before Jiwoong’s pulling you up towards him, holding your body against his tightly as his dick gets even deeper inside of you. His movements are shallow, but it feels like he’s in your stomach, and your moans are getting more and more strained as your throat begins to feel raw. 

“Look,” he breathes, hand in your hair as he forces you to see where your bodies meet. The sight has you squeezing around him, the build-up already beginning in your lower abdomen again. Your poor clit looks so swollen as your walls stretch to swallow him with each of his movements, a ring of white settling at the base of his cock each time he fully enters you. “You’re so good for me.”

Your body continues pressing against his, and you cry out loudly, eyes squeezing shut. 

“S’good… Lift your head back up– I want… I want to be able to–” He stops mid-sentence, his movements beginning to speed back up as he grips you tighter. You try to listen to him, but you think that your muscles are spasming as his mouth meets yours in a messy, passionate kiss. You can feel his body shaking, and you know he’s getting close too.

Jiwoong’s hands release you, and you fall back to lay against the pillows again, lower back arching to try and find his touch again. “Can’t–”

“You can, sweet girl… It’s okay, my baby, be good for me,” he speaks slowly, his words heavy with lust. “Be a good girl– Do it for me.”

“Okay,” you cry a little. Another soft moan slips from Jiwoong’s lips as he tries to get as close as possible to you again, moving his mouth near your ear.

“I’m almost there– Can I… Do you want–”

“Yeah, inside,” you breathe, chest heavy with the labored movement of sucking in air. And it’s barely a few more seconds before your high hits you. The sensation is so strong that your vision goes black for a moment, missing the way that Jiwoong’s eyes lock onto your face, hearing his name spill from your throat as his hips push against yours one last time. His hands grip your waist and his mouth opens with a loud groan of your name as he comes, body shaking lightly as he continues to hold onto you. 

You feel warm as his body collapses, the weight comforting as the fuzziness from your orgasm begins to morph into exhaustion. You feel safe, like nothing could hurt you as he laughs shakily, kissing your cheek before he gets up to clean you up. You feel loved when he gets back in bed with you, cuddling you against him.

You don’t feel any regret at all when you wake up the next morning. 

Later that week, Jiwoong takes you out on a date. Well, you can’t call it a date. He calls it a “professional meeting” as a joke because nothing about it is professional at all. Not the expensive restaurant he takes you to or how he pays for your meal or how the conversation is much too friendly for a teacher assistant and the professor she’s studying under. Especially not the way he fingers you as he drives you back to your apartment.

The nightly calls continue and so does staying later in his classroom. Things feel like they’re progressing at the normal rate for a relationship. Things feel like a normal relationship and suddenly, a month has gone by. 

And you decide to bring it up.

“Are we dating?” you ask him one night, sat next to him at his desk per usual. You had just begun to grade small assignments from students on your own, Jiwoong checking over them once you were done, and he glances over your shoulder at the piece you’re working on. He doesn’t say anything. “Jiwoong.”

“I heard you,” he acknowledges before falling silent again.

Confusion enters your emotions as he continues working, completely ignoring your question. “So…” Suddenly, he groans, removing his glasses and rubbing over his face with one of his hands in a very dramatic fashion. You’re surprised at the reaction, to say the least, feeling your face scrunch up in the way he whined like a child. “What?” you press.

“YN, you know that’s not possible.”

You feel like you’ve been shocked. “So you’ll fuck me and take me out on dates but you won’t make me your girlfriend?”

“First of all, those aren’t dates–” You scoff, leaning back in your chair as you stare at him in disbelief. “And second of all, I’m technically your teacher– it just, a relationship wouldn’t work right now.”

You remember using those words towards him. You hate how he’s using them back towards you, it makes a weird feeling settle in your gut that you can’t really explain. What makes you feel worse is the way he slips his glasses back on and goes back to work like it was nothing. 

“What about after I graduate?”

“That’s a ways away.”

“Okay… well, I want a future with you and I want to know where things stand–”

“And I told you where they stand, so drop it.” His tone is sharp, a timbre he’s never used on you before. Usually, he was so gentle with you, and the rudeness in his voice is something you’re not used to, making you shrink back a little.

After breathing heavily for a moment you continue, “Fine.”

“Don’t get short with me.”

Maybe you’re being a little petty. “I’m not being short, Jiwoong, I’m agreeing with you.”

You go back to the paper you’re reading, gripping your pen tightly as you consider what needs to be fixed. Anger is an emotion that you’re not fond of, you hate the way you let it control you, and you try not to focus on the emotion as Jiwoong sits silently next to you. Things feel cold all of a sudden, like a wall had been put up between the two of you. 

“I’m sorry,” Jiwoong says abruptly, voice soft. You look back up at him to find him holding his hand out to you. Your eyes flick down to his outstretched hand, then back to his face. “Obviously I’ve never been in this situation before. I want to be careful with how we go about this, and I don’t want to date you privately–I want to show you off. It’s what you deserve.”

“It’s okay to have reservations, but I don’t want to waste my time if you can’t see this going anywhere,” you explain, voice matching his. Jiwoong nods in a way you think is supposed to show he understands you. 

“Let’s give it a bit more time, okay? There’s no need to rush into things,” he says. And then he smiles a little, and you hate the way it instantly comforts you. Fighting back your own smile, you bite your tongue, which he notices, and proceeds to smile wider. “I care about you, and you care about me. Isn’t that all that matters right now?”

Begrudgingly, you place your hand in his and his fingers wrap around it, squeezing softly, “I guess.” 

Against your better judgment, you stop fighting the smile. “Let me take you out tomorrow.” And you agree, because you think you’ve fallen in love with him. 

When you arrive at his classroom the next morning, Jiwoong’s speaking with another one of the girls in your program. From the way her hair flows behind her perfectly and her tall height, you know it’s Xiaoting. You haven’t spoken to the girl a lot, but you know she’s very intelligent, or else she wouldn’t be assisting at the same university as you. Quietly, you slip into Jiwoong’s office, setting your bag down while trying not to interrupt their conversation. You stay in the room as you try to watch them through the crack in the door, trying to not make it apparent that you were attempting to eavesdrop. But she’s not there for much longer, and the blush on her cheeks is telling enough, along with her smile as she nods farewell. 

That sinking feeling is back in your stomach again, and your heart feels heavy as you exit Jiwoong’s office, trying to look casual as the ugly feeling of jealousy grows within you. He greets you as usual, and you decide to take that as enough reassurance that everything is fine.

Everything is fine as the two of you joke throughout the day, as the two of you talk and work together. Everything is fine as he drives you back to your apartment, telling you he’ll pick you up at eight. Everything is fine as you get ready to go out and everything is fine as you sit on your couch, watching as the clock hits the time he’s supposed to meet you.

Maybe it’s traffic. Maybe he got held up with something else. You try to think of every possible scenario as you sit and wait, letting your mind run wild as you watch the hands of the clock hit nine. And then nine-thirty. When two hours pass you finally get up, trying not to cry as you go get ready for bed. 

He hadn’t forgotten. There was no way. He had told you when he was going to pick you up. So what had happened? You want those feelings from the previous days to come back: the anger, the jealousy, but instead all you feel is embarrassment. You feel bad for yourself, and saddened at the fact that the small action that hadn’t even been explained yet chipped away at your trust for the man. You go to bed that night with a heavy heart, a sensation that was slowly becoming familiar to you. 

The sound of your alarm is severely unwelcome the next morning. You lay in your bed for a bit, staring at your ceiling fan whirl around hypnotically. It’s easy to debate calling in sick, to want to lay in your bed for the rest of the day and to be dramatic over the fact that you had been stood up. You don’t want to see Jiwoong, but your curiosity gets the better of you. So, you go through the motions of your morning routine, make the drive to the university by yourself, and enter Jiwoong’s classroom to find him alone. You’re silent as you begin preparing the room for the day, even after he approaches you in the confines of his office and tries to give you a quick morning kiss. 

A rush of satisfaction goes through you when surprise reads on his face after you dodge his attempt, pushing past him lightly. “YN…”

You don’t respond to him, pretending that you didn’t hear him as you go back into the main section of the classroom. 

“YN,” Jiwoong calls again, following you. “Please, what’s wrong?”

Scoffing slightly, you turn to face him. “You really don’t know?”

The clueless expression he sports tells you enough and you press your lips together, nodding slightly. He’d always made you feel important and seen, and now you felt like the complete opposite. “I– wait, YN, I know. I’m sorry–”

“No, you don’t know!” you argue back. “Don’t act like you do, that makes it worse. Standing me up is bad enough, but you can’t even remember the fact that you did it? Do you know how embarrassing that is, Jiwoong?”

He shakes his head softly, trying to approach you again. When his hands try to hold onto yours, you rip them away from him, crossing your arms over your chest. 

“No, of course I remember, sweet girl, of course I do– and I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. The last thing I want you to feel is embarrassment.” You sniffle softly as you listen to him, and this time, you don’t push him away when his hands go to hold your face. “Something came up, YN, and I wanted to tell you, but I couldn’t.”

“I want to trust you, Jiwoong, but I can’t–”

“Please believe me, YN, please, I can’t lose you.” Your eyes search his irises for anything that might tell you he’s lying, but all you can see is fear. He might not be telling the truth about what had happened, but he was scared. Scared that you weren’t going to hear him out.

You suck in a deep breath, “What happened?”

“Some teachers decided they wanted to get together and I couldn’t tell them that I already had plans and I didn’t want them to see me texting you and I… I’m sorry, I know it looks bad, but sweet girl, I swear I didn’t do anything to betray your trust.” You weigh his words for a moment as you look at him. If that scenario was true, you could understand where he was coming from. Anyone finding out about this relationship would get you kicked out of the program and cause Jiwoong to probably lose his job. 

But that was the thing, you couldn’t tell if this scenario was true.

You wanted to believe him. After all, you loved him and you wanted to believe he would never do anything to hurt you. People always told you you were too forgiving, but you simply just put yourself in their shoes, trying to consider how they were feeling. This was just one mistake Jiwoong had made and when you thought about it, you knew he cared about you. He deserved a second chance.

“Fine.” His entire body relaxes instantly as he lets out a deep breath, pulling you into a tight hug. You feel his nose bury into your hair, inhaling deeply. “But don’t let it happen again. At least text me. Please.”

“It won’t happen again, my sweet girl, I swear.” 

His lips press against your hair as he repeats that sentence over and over. And you believe him. 

Jiwoong lives up to the promise. He showers you with his affections after that morning, getting you little gifts and taking you out more often. His words are sweet and sound like they could come from Shakespeare himself when he tells you he loves you. Buzzing with excitement and giddiness, you had told him you loved him too. But the thought of you still not being official with him was still planted in the back of your mind. You knew the reasoning, but that didn’t make you feel any better, even as you laid on his chest in his apartment while wearing his shirt. 

It became customary for you to spend nights at his apartment after you both said the ‘L-word’. All you wanted to do was see him and to be with him constantly, it didn’t matter what you both were doing. And it seemed like the feeling was returned from him. Jiwoong bought things according to your preferences now and you had a toothbrush that sat next to his. With him, you felt safe, and as time passed, you felt more and more needed by him. 

With the weekend finally arriving about three weeks after he stood you up, you had packed a bag, as usual, to go to Jiwoong’s for the weekend. Originally, you had told him you were going to stay back at your apartment and study that night, but as the night went on you missed him more and more. So you’d figured you’d surprise him. Was it crossing a boundary? You couldn’t tell, but you thought that he’d at least be okay with saying hi considering you might as well be his girlfriend at this point. And especially since he loved you. 

Standing in front of his apartment door, you knock softly on the wood, forgoing the spare key so you at least wouldn’t barge in and scare him. For a moment nothing happens. You count to ten slowly before knocking again. In his apartment, you hear movement, before there’s the sound of the lock and Jiwoong’s peeking his head out into the hallway. 

Your face lights up instantly at the sight of him, hair wet and face flushed. “Hi.”

“YN…” His smile looks forced as he keeps the door mostly shut. “What’re you doing here? I thought you were staying at yours this weekend?”

You take a step closer to the door, waiting for him to let you inside. “Well, I was, and then I was missing you, and I was hoping that you’d let me spend the night, but if not that’s totally fine–”

“No, no, of course, it’s alright, sweet girl, just give me a second to go put some clothes on.”

You think you see a flash of red hair as Jiwoong moves away from the door, closing it behind him quickly. Awkwardly, you stand in the hallway for another five minutes, playing with the strap of your bag as you glance up at the door every now and then. You play up the red hair you thought you saw to your imagination. And from how tired you were. Because who else would be in Jiwoong’s apartment this late at night?

When the door finally opens again, Jiwoong opens it fully, and to your relief, it’s just him. Him in a gray sweater and some pajama pants. He reaches for you, wrapping an arm around you as he kisses your hair. “You tired, sweet girl? It’s pretty late.”

You furrow your eyebrows as he closes the door behind you both. “I guess I could sleep… I was kind of hoping to spend some time with you though–”

“If you’re tired you should go to sleep.”

You laugh a little at the statement, following Jiwoong to his bedroom and dropping your bag on his floor. “Yeah…”

He goes over to his bed, pulling the covers back and motioning for you to crawl in. So you do, cuddling up to his chest like you usually do as he turns on the TV for background noise. For a while, it’s just the two of you talking about whatever, like you usually do, and slowly the tiredness does begin to set in, your eyes drooping as you listen to him ramble on. The soft sound of his voice always does wonders to calm you– a small bump from inside his closet rips that sense away immediately.

“What was that?” you ask, slightly scared. 

Jiwoong laughs, pulling you back down to lay on him. “Probably just some shoe boxes that fell over. I’m going through my clothes right now… Why? D’you think it’s a ghost.” 

Weakly, you hit his chest, “Very funny.” He chuckles softly once more, grabbing your hand to hold it against him. The lull of his heartbeat gets you to settle back down. Your eyes stay on the screen of the TV as he reaches over to shut off the bedside lamp, casting the room into darkness except for the blue glow from the device in front of his bed.

“I actually have a question for you,” Jiwoong says as you begin to drift off. 

“Hmm?”

He pauses, and you know in typical Jiwoong fashion he’s thinking of how to phrase something. “If you’re okay with it… Would you like to officially be my girlfriend?” 

The grin finds its way onto your lips easily, and you glance up to look at him. He’s also smiling. 

“For real?”

“For real,” he repeats back to you, voice slightly mocking.

You laugh, a sleepy yet loving feeling taking over your heart. “Of course, I’ll be your girlfriend.” Jiwoong leans down, kissing you softly, and you bask in the sensation of his lips on yours, tongue pressing against yours in a way that somehow feels fond. 

He pulls away, resting his cheek on your head, “I love you.”

As you fall asleep, those are the last words you hear, and you quietly repeat them back to him before slipping into unconsciousness. That night, you dream of Jiwoong going back to the entrance of his apartment, hearing him say goodbye to a woman with red hair. When you wake up, he’s still lying right next to you.

You feel so unbelievably happy as the two of you spend the rest of the weekend together and as you both get ready for the day when Monday rolls around. Jiwoong makes breakfast which you happily eat, only for you both to brush your teeth together and for him to sit and watch as you fix your makeup and hair before he drives you both to the university. You feel like you’re floating, like nothing could bring you down as you drop your things off in his office and as he kisses your cheek while you go off to one of the bathrooms. 

In the girl’s bathroom is Xiaoting, standing in front of the mirror doing her makeup that she honestly doesn’t need in the slightest. You smile at her briefly, her returning it before you use the toilet and go back to the sink to wash your hands.

She flicks her hair over her shoulder, “Are my eye bags gone?” You glance at her face in the mirror, her skin practically flawless. 

“I don’t think they were there to begin with.” The two of you laugh a little as you go to dry your hands.

“Well. I had a long weekend, so I was just double-checking.”

Going back to standing next to her, you watch as she fluffs her eyelashes with one of her fingers. “Was it at least a good weekend? Something about you looks different.”

“Ah, I got my hair done. Red’s cute, but I wanted to go darker for a little.”

You hate the paranoia that shoots through you at the mention of red hair, reminding yourself to trust your boyfriend as you maintain your smile at the older girl, “It’s pretty on you.”

“Thank you,” Xiaoting says sweetly, expression warm. “But, yeah, I had a good weekend. You?”

Subconsciously, your smile becomes a true one. “Um, yeah, the guy I’ve been talking to for a while asked me to be his girlfriend.” Xiaoting lets out a cute gasp that makes you laugh a little.

“Oh, that’s so exciting, happy for you.” She pulls out a lip liner, removing the cap before lifting the product to her lips. “Me, personally, I am taking a break from relationships right now…” she trails off, focusing on her makeup. 

You hum softly in acknowledgment, “I thought you were seeing someone though? That’s what Sieun said.”

Xiaoting smirks a little, putting her lip liner away. “Ok, so, don’t tell anyone but I’ve actually been hooking up with one of the professors here.”

“Oh– wow,” you giggle, slightly stunned as Xiaoting nods.

“It’s nothing serious. I think he’s seeing another girl or something, but like– he’s hot and the dick is good so I can’t complain.”

Very girl’s girl of you, you think bitterly, but you can’t blame her. After all, she’s not the only one in a relationship with one of the professors here. “Can I ask who?”

The look she gives you has your stomach turning in a way that makes you almost feel nauseous, “Actually, it’s Dr Kim–”

You don’t hear the rest of the words she says. Everything feels like it goes silent as panic flares up in your chest. Not anger, not sadness, just pure panic because–what did this mean? You think that your hands are trembling as you nod robotically along to her words, cheeks hurting from the way your lips are uncomfortably turned upwards. This wasn’t happening. This wasn’t happening, Jiwoong wouldn’t do this, there was no way. He wouldn’t betray your trust like that. No, Xiaoting was lying, she had to be because Jiwoong loved you.

“YN?” Her voice does little to break you from your thoughts, the shakiness of your panic and nerves still evident as you clasp your hands together.

“Hmm?”

“Are you okay? You look like you’re gonna get sick.”

“Ah…” You felt like you were going to be sick. You didn’t want to think about this anymore, but everything was starting to make sense: that night he stood you up, the red hair. Had he made you his girlfriend as a distraction? Is that what he was trying to do? You needed to go home. You had to get out of here, you didn’t care about figuring out if the girl next to you was lying or not, you just needed to get out. “I’m… yeah, I’m gonna go home.”

You don’t say anything else to her as you exit the bathroom, everything passing by in a blur as you rush out of the school. Unsure of where you’re even going, you start walking in the direction of the way you think leads to your apartment. You don’t really care though, because that’s when the tears begin to well up.

What had you done? Did you do something? Were you not good enough for him? Was your love not good enough for him? Sucking in small, shallow breaths while trying to calm yourself down, you can’t find it in yourself to care about the rest of the world as people on the sidewalk pass you, looking at you like they were scared of you. Tears slip down your face as you continue walking for an amount of time that you’re not even sure of. You feel your phone vibrating in your pocket, but you leave it there because you know who it is and you can’t talk to him. You can’t hear his voice because you know it’ll make everything seem fine again and it wasn’t.

There were small signs. You can’t believe you were dumb enough to ignore them. 

You don’t know what time it is when you reach your apartment complex, but when you ride the elevator up to your floor and stand in front of your door, you realize that your keys are in your bag. And your bag is in Jiwoong’s office. It’s like that’s the final straw, and you're sobbing as you struggle with the doorknob. Nothing was fair. Eventually, you pick yourself up enough to go back down to the receptionist to ask for the spare key and she must feel the right amount of pity for you to give you the key without question. 

Being in your apartment is a comfort you haven’t felt in a while. Partly because you can lay in your bed for the rest of the day and partly because there’s nothing that reminds you of Jiwoong here. It was always you going to his apartment. The apartment he took all of his girls to. 

You don’t bother with checking your phone for the rest of the night, not caring about the way its vibrations have begun to slow down or how it rings before you put it on silent mode and leave it on your kitchen counter. Instead, you use your laptop to email the head of the program that you had left early that day because you were feeling sick, not having time to tell anyone else. You don’t care if she doesn’t believe you, you just want to lay in bed and feel sorry for yourself. 

You fall asleep early that night, body exhausted from the amount of crying you’ve done and now numb to the hurt you feel. What pulls you from your dreamless sleep though, is the loud knocking on your apartment door. Sluggishly, you pull yourself out of bed when the knocking doesn’t stop after a while, looking through the peephole to find the one person you didn’t want to see. But that doesn’t stop you from cracking the door open a bit, and you suddenly get deja vu from the previous weekend. 

“YN–”

“What do you want,” your voice is flat as you watch Jiwoong try to reach for the door. He doesn’t say anything for a moment, and you feel the first flames of anger begin to ignite. He didn’t have anything to say? He wanted to act dumb? “What do you want, Jiwoong?”

“Please, you just need to hear me out–”

“Hear what out? When did you start sleeping with her?” He doesn’t even try to deny anything, knowing he’s been caught and the thought makes you want to scream in frustration and pull at your hair. “When?” you repeat angrily.

Jiwoong sucks in a small breath as he runs his hand through his hair, “YN, you have to understand, Xiaoting doesn’t mean anything to me–”

“Clearly neither do I!”

“YN–”

“When, Jiwoong.”

He hesitates before speaking, “A week after you and I had sex for the first time.” He looks ashamed. You never thought you’d see a man like him look like a kicked puppy, but that’s what he did look like, and the sight didn’t even satisfy you in the slightest.

“I trusted you–”

“You still can–”

You push the door open, revealing the full sight of him. “Don’t. I don’t want to hear it. Let me talk, not you.” 

Instantly, he nods, complying with your wishes. Trying to control your frustration, you breathe slowly. “I trusted you, considering everything. I gave you multiple chances, and you still did this, and honestly? I don’t even care why.” That’s a lie, you do care, you care a lot. You don’t want to cry, but all of the emotions are too much, and as you speak you feel the tears begin to fall down your cheeks. 

“I don’t want to see you again. I’m going to transfer to a different assisting job, and I don’t want you to ever try to contact me again.”

Jiwoong’s gaze hardens, and suddenly, the man who looked so sorry just a few moments ago looks scary. His eyes look dead, mouth sat in a firm line as he stares down at you, rising to his full height. 

“You don’t want to do that, YN, really.”

“Don’t threaten me, I’ll call the police,” you warn, not backing down despite the feeling in your stomach that’s telling you to slam the door in his face. “I want my bags back. For all I care, you can give them to Xiaoting and have her bring me them.”

His chuckle has a wary shiver running down your spine. “Don’t leave me, sweet girl, it won’t end well for you.” 

When you look in his eyes, you don’t find any of the Jiwoong you used to know. Nothing of the Jiwoong you’re in love with and your heart somehow breaks even more. “Good night, Dr Kim.” You close the door, ignoring how angry he sounds on the other side of it as you lock it behind you, going back to your bedroom before letting the rest of your tears out into the sheets. 

Peace is hard to find, you conclude as you take the next two days off from your student teaching, staying away from all and any forms of social media as you tried to heal as much as you could in such a short amount of time. You still loved Jiwoong, there was no way feelings as strong as the love you had for him would go away in two short days. The thought of it made you angry, but ultimately, you just wanted to ignore anything to do with the man for as long as you could. So on that third day, you had opened your laptop to request a change in who you were studying under.

You weren’t sure if that was even possible, changing your assignment, and you weren’t sure of what excuse you could come up with, but you figured you’d think of something. 

“What…” you say softly to yourself at the email from your program already sitting in the inbox. 

As your eyes skim over the first few words, your heart falls to your stomach. 

“No, no, no,” you repeat softly to yourself, desperately clicking on the box frantically, trying to convince yourself that you were just having a horrible dream.

…Due to inappropriate advances made towards staff, you have been removed from this program… Your life is ruined in one email. In six words. You don’t feel anything and all you can think of is: How did this happen? But deep down, you know, and as the first sob leaves your throat, you hear his voice in the back of your head: “You don’t want to do that, YN, really.”

The air was humid as you entered the small bookstore, the heavy feeling in the atmosphere cluing you into the warm summer’s rain that was on its way. You fix your bag over your shoulder as the smell of paper and coffee fills your nose, a sense of safety grounding you as you look around the small space. Few customers are there, considering you weren’t working the busy hours that day, just from dinner time till closing. 

“Hi Ms Park,” you greet the owner behind the checkout counter softly, and the old lady smiles at you as you pass behind her to hang your things up before you begin your shift.

Life was hard after you were expelled from your education program. You had been left to try and figure out where to go from there. Thankfully, you were able to find another program that would accept you. It was through a smaller school, and you would always have that expulsion on your record, but after a hard month, you could finally see your life getting back on track. And you were working in your favorite bookstore during the meantime, trying to save up money for your future. 

You adjust the nametag on your top before going back out, asking Ms Park what she wanted you to do first and she was quick to direct you towards a cart of new material, kindly telling you to shelf the books. Doing work like this was good for you, you had concluded. The monotonous actions that you repeated over and over again silenced your mind, pushing those thoughts away that would try to creep into your still-healing mind. And heart. 

Hours pass as you continue working, completing little tasks that the sweet owner asks of you, and as you tidy up one of the back corners, you hear her voice. “YN?”

“Mhm?” you hum, glancing at the mess you still needed to finish picking up as you turn around. 

You think your heart stops when you see him standing next to your frail-looking boss. You feel yourself freeze, the fear that even just the mention of his name causes you magnifying by the thousands. When you catch yourself, you do your best to snap out of it, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of seeing you so timid. 

“Jiwoong’s looking for something? Would you mind helping him find it?”

You grit your teeth a little, “Of course, Ms Park.” The old lady smiles as she looks up at Jiwoong, patting his arm softly before leaving you alone with him. 

You do nothing except stare at him for a moment, not convinced that this was really happening. 

“It’s good to see you.” You don’t say anything. Jiwoong smirks as he steps closer to you, head tilting to the side. “I don’t think you’re supposed to give customers the silent treatment.”

Pushing down your anger, you do your best to keep your face expressionless. “What can I help you with?”

The sight of his smile makes you resist the urge to hit him. “When do you get off?”

“What can I help you find?” you try again, shifting back a little as he moves forward again.

“You know… I’ve been going to this bookstore for a long time, and only recently did they move the poetry section.” You swallow harshly. “Care taking me there?”

Shakily, you lift your hand to point in the direction of the genre he was speaking about, “Head in that direction and they’re behind the shelf and to the right.”

“Mmm, you should come with me.” You don’t say anything, avoiding his gaze. His light touch on your chin makes you flinch softly and he coos a little. “Don’t be scared, sweet girl, I wouldn’t hurt you. But if you need another lesson, I’d be more than happy to give it to you.”

“Don’t–”

“I heard you’re entering a new program? One of my friends works at the place you’re going to.”

The combination of fear with the distant mix of love is something you thought never would’ve been possible. But even after everything he’s done, after the time you’ve spent away from him, you can’t ignore the love you’d once felt towards him.

Jiwoong smiles softly, “Come to dinner with me tonight.”

“No,” you reject softly and his grip on your chin tightens slightly.

“Come on, YN, I apologized for the whole Xiaoting mishap, didn’t I? I would hate to have a talk with your new program coordinator about… the things you’ve done. After all of the time I’ve given you to think about things too.”

You feel humiliated as your cheeks warm. Despite it just being the two of you in the back corner of the store, you feel like there are so many eyes on you. Most of all, you feel ashamed over the little flicker of excitement in your heart at the thought of seeing him like that again. Intimate. On a date. With you.

Your throat feels swollen as you nod slightly. 

“Ah, there’s my girl,” Jiwoong says, and the happy tone of his voice is something that would’ve tricked you in the past. You don’t know what he’s doing. You don’t know why he’s still holding onto you like this. “I’ve missed you, my sweet girl. I knew you weren’t dumb enough to make the same mistake of leaving me again.”

Jiwoong’s hand runs over your hair, “I’ll pick you up in an hour.”

But you feel dumb as you silently agree with him, falling back into his trap and sealing your fate as he grins.

[therealcocoshady]

Kinktober - Day 23 - Cockwarming

Kinktober 2024 Masterlist

A/N : so, my first attempt at doing Kinktober taught me that one of the pros of using someone else’s prompts is that you don’t have to come up with them by yourself. Sadly, it has also taught me that one the con of using someone else’s prompts is that… well, you end up having to write things you’ve never tried before 🤣. Anyway, this is my attempt at writing something « cockwarming ». Shoutout to people on Reddit who shared their experience on various posts. Really couldn’t have done it without them 😅. Oh, and this is Dom!Marshall x Sub!Reader !

CW : Smut? - Cockwarming - Anxiety

It had been a couple of months since Marshall had agreed to show you more of what being a submissive entailed. He was a great teacher, willing to answer any question, offering detailed explanations, putting the emphasis on consent and safety. Obviously, this brought a shift to your friendship dynamic. You weren’t just buddies anymore. There was something deeper there, something based on trust and intimacy. Both of you had access to parts that each other kept hidden. In the past few weeks, Marshall had gotten to know your body like the back of his hand, as well as your mind. He was able to anticipate your needs, knew exactly when he could push you further or when it was time to hold back. And, in spite of the rigid structure inherent to the weekends you spent at his place, that the untrained eye would identity as some distance between the two of you, he had become some sort of safe place for you. Not only as a close friend but also as your Sir.

You’d had a really rough week at work. Not only was your boss even more of an asshole that usual, but you had been assigned to some big project that had you stressed out. The anxiety was paralyzing and the tension followed you home, too. Even out of the office, that thing remained on your mind. And for the first time, you weren’t sure you’d be able to last a whole weekend with Marshall. You had texted him a few days earlier, letting him know how you were doing (as part of your agreement). You had been pretty straightforward and expected him to cancel, but he seemed pretty adamant on having you come over as usual. And when you showed up, as soon as he opened the door, he took notice of how disheveled you look. Big dark circles, eyes glistening with exhaustion and a drawn out stance. It didn’t take a genius to tell you were a mess. You looked down, bowing your head as he had taught you, waiting for him to invite you in.

Contrary to what was usual, he pulled you into a warm embrace, one that reminded you of the ones you’d shared as friends who showed up for each other during hard times. You leaned into it, closing your eyes, though you had a hard time letting go of all the tension. He seemed to notice it and gave you a reassuring smile before kissing your forehead. « I know you had a rough week, » he said in a tone that with both firm and gentle at the same time. « You don’t have to worry about anything now. You’re here with me and I’m in charge ».

His tone did not leave room for argument or doubt. You nodded, anxiously hoping that he wouldn’t go too hard on you. He had never given you any reason to doubt the fact that he’d make your comfort and wellbeing a priority, but you were the one you didn’t trust. You weren’t even sure what your own limits were. Everything in your mind was blurry, noisy and messy. You took a deep breath and entered the house. And as was now usual, you put down your bags and knelt in the foyer, waiting for him to properly greet you and give you your instructions. He stood before you, his hand gently patting the top of your head. « Good girl. Welcome home. » he praised in that low voice of his. « You may go to your room and get ready. Your checklist is on the bed », he instructed.

You nodded and did as you were told. It was the same start every weekend : you’d kneel, he’d greet you and you’d go to make yourself at home in the guest bedroom next to his. Then, you’d take a shower, put on the clothes he instructed you to wear and read the checklist he had prepared in advance. Most of the time, it was the same thing : you were in charge of making dinner for the both of you, as well as doing some reading on submission. Some other tasks included helping him sort out his cassette collection or library. On occasion, if he had a specific event coming up, he tasked you with outfit recommendations. This time, however, the checklist was pretty brief : «Put on comfy clothes - No chores - Rest - Obey».

When you walked back downstairs, you found him on the couch, scrolling on his phone. He glanced and your direction and gave you a nod, signaling he was happy with your outfit choice. He gestured for you to have a sit and you noticed that a cozy blanket and a cup of herbal tea were waiting for you. « Figured you’d need this. Take a moment and have some tea. I’ll be right there. » he instructed. You settled onto the couch, wrapping the blanket around your shoulders and cradled the mug into your hands, the warmth seeping onto your skin. You took a sip, the comforting taste calming your nerves, and let out a small sigh. Normally, simply being in the house would be enough for your mind to go quiet but not this time. You closed your eyes and tried to focus on your surroundings, the comfy couch, the familiar smell… but you kept on replaying moments of the past week. Your boss yelling at you. Your colleague pressuring you about the deadline. Instinctively, your hands clenched around the mug. You felt Marshall’s hand in your back, rubbing comforting circles. None of you spoke for a while, before Marshall cleared his throat, signaling for you to look at him.

« This weekend, I want you to let go and rest, understood? », he said, his gaze meeting yours with quiet intensity. « You’ve been pushing yourself and now, I’m going to take care of you », he added. Your eyes softened at his words and, though you found yourself nodding, you were met with a surge of anxiety. You didn’t want to be a burden. And you didn’t want him to think you’d given up on your progression as a sub either. « Thank you, Sir. But you don’t need to-», you began. He silently raised an eyebrow, making you shut up instantly.

« Who am I to you right now ? » he calmly asked. « You’re my dom, Sir », you replied softly, looking down. « Which means you are…? » he asked again. « Your sub, Sir », you replied. « That’s right. You’re my sub. Mine. And I take care of what’s mine. » he said firmly, in a tone that didn’t leave room for you to second-think. You nodded and he cupped your face, his thumb gently brushing your skin. You finished your tea and he led you to the movie room where he put on a movie, in an attempt to distract you. He was sitting on the couch while you were at his feet, sinking into the soft carpet, your head resting gently against his leg. One of his hands was in your hair and his presence grounded you.

You enjoyed the movie, but it still wasn’t enough to put your mind to rest. Contrary to your habits, you were fidgeting, nervously biting your lip, the skin around your nails. Marshall kept on swatting your hand but you couldn’t stop, much to his exasperation. « Stop doing that », he scolded. « Sorry, Sir. Can’t really help it. », you apologetically replied, to which he rolled his eyes. « It’s stressing me out. And you’re going to hurt yourself.» he continued. « Sorry », you mumbled, without really stopping. He firmly grabbed your wrist and watched you intently. « Y/N » he said sternly. « It’s an oral fix- » you began, though he cut you off with a loud sigh. « Do you need me to help you with that ? »

You looked at him, trying to scan his face to make sure what he was implying. Your eyes traveled to his crotch, then back to his eyes. You were about to make a comment about him just needing to tell you to get on your knees if he wanted you to satisfy him when he clarified it. « Not asking for a blowjob » he said. You looked at him, slightly confused. « So, uh, what is it, Sir? » you asked with a raised eyebrow. « Just you, keeping it in your mouth. Ever heard of cockwarming? ». You nodded. You’d vaguely heard of it but you had never found it too appealing. In your opinion, it kind of lacked the fun of an actual blowjob and you didn’t quite see the point. « Some people like it. They say it’s soothing,» he continued. « We can give it a try if you want. It’ll be less disgusting than… you biting your nails or whatever ». You nodded after a couple seconds of consideration. Worst comes to worst, you’d find it disgusting and wouldn’t try it again. Plus, if there was anyone you trusted with this, it was him. And in the best case, it might actually work. « Words, doll » he ordered. « When it comes to anything like that, I’d rather have you verbally consent », he added. « I consent to trying it, sir », you said with a slight smile, finding it quite endearing, the way he always made it feel safe. He nodded, seemingly satisfied with the answer. « So, uh… I just… put it in my mouth and not move? » you asked. He chuckled and shrugged a bit. «That’s the idea. You can gently suck and lick if you feel like it, too» he nodded. « But is that going to be… enjoyable? » you asked again with a raised eyebrow. « For me? Yeah. It’s agreeable. Pretty intimate, too. Might be enjoyable for you too. Apparently, it does a great job satisfying oral fixations. You’ll tell me. If you don’t like it, we stop. And you know the safe words and moves anyway, don’t you ? » he said with a smile and you nodded.

He moved a bit on the couch, before lowering his pants and boxers, letting his cock spring free. It was in a semi-soft state in which, not to toot your own horn, you weren’t use to seeing it often. You almost found it unsettling, not seeing it fully erect. He gestured for you to come and you settled between his legs, comfortably curling up and wrapping your mouth around his dick. You looked at him for a few seconds, as if to make sure you were doing it right. He gave you a small nod and a reassuring smile, before running a hand in your hair. « Good girl », he praised softly. « Now, try and relax, ok? ».

Much to your surprise, you didn’t find it as weird as you thought you would. Sure enough, you’d never had a cock that wasn’t fully hard in your mouth, nor were you used to not doing anything to it once it was in. But it wasn’t nearly as uncomfortable as you expected. And it wasn’t disgusting either. In fact, he was right : it did do a good job at satisfying the oral fixation. As someone who had always been sort of « orally centered », there was something relaxing to holding him in your mouth. Soon enough, you let your mind wander, shifting your focus from work to your dom, who gently stroked your hair and neck. You instinctively suckled, not exactly on purpose, but you could hear Marshall humming lightly. You stayed like that for a while, enjoying the contact and intimacy of it, while the TV show played in the background. «All good, doll? », Marshall asked after a while. You let out a soft hum, your mind kind of elsewhere. He let out a soft chuckle and a « Good girl » escaped his lips. His fingers found the back of your head, stroking in soothing motions. You found yourself in some kind of meditative space, halfway between relaxation and submission. Finally. What you enjoyed the most. The point where the noise in your head went quiet and nothing outside really mattered.

You’d had enough conversations with Marshall to know what sub space was but you had never experienced it. In the back of your mind, you wondered if, perhaps, that was it. You were feeling both vulnerable and connected to your dom, your body feeling as if it were « floaty ». You were not exactly sure where you were, or how long you stayed like this and, frankly, you didn’t care. You felt serene, as if you were exactly where you belonged. Marshall’s fingers traced your scalp, your forehead, your cheek, grounding you, reminding you of his presence and him being in charge.

You could feel him twitch slightly in your mouth, hardening and softening at times. You went with the flow, instinctively shifting your position. At some point, however, it became too challenging for you to hold him in your mouth, to even breathe. It kind of took you out of your zone and you took it out of your mouth as you came to your senses. You looked at Marshall, who was seemingly zoned out. He gazed at you with a smile, his eyes full of silent praises. «All good, sweetheart ? » he asked in a low voice. You nodded, smiling at the sweet pet name. « All good. Thank you, Sir » you replied quietly. He cupped your face and let his thumb stroke your cheek. «There it is. That smile. Missed it. » he teasingly commented, making you blush. « So? I take it that you didn’t hate it? » he asked with a grin. « I didn’t » you agreed. « It was nice ».

« I’m glad » he hummed. « Wanna keep going? ». You lowered your gaze, noticing he was still fully hard. « Don’t think I’ll be able to hold it, Sir. Not like… this » you softly commented. He looked down and let out a chuckle. «Ah. Sorry. Side effect. » he replied with an unapologetic smirk before putting his boxers and pants back in place. « Means you’re a good girl », he added with a wink. You felt a familiar warmth through your body and for a second you wondered if he was aware of the effect his praises had on you. You let out an involuntary giggle before blushing and looking down apologetically. « Didn’t think you’d find me so funny » he said with a raised eyebrow. You shook your head, indicating it wasn’t that. He crossed his arms and stared at you. « Why don’t you share, then ? » he suggested with a smirk. « Before I punish you for laughing in my face », he added in a low voice. You looked at him and blushed slightly before tentatively explaining. « I, uh… I was wondering if it was an acronym, sir », you awkwardly replied, failing to hide a goofy smile. « An acronym? » he repeated, clearly not getting the pun. « Because it stands for me », you mumbled, trying not to let out the goofiest snort. He stared at you intently, sternly for a few seconds, before breaking character and face palming himself, letting out a loud chortle. « Oh Jesus Christ, Y/N » he sighed with a laugh. « Sorry » you giggled before looking down. He pulled you closer to him, wrapping an arm around your shoulders.

You exchanged goofy smiles, both of you enjoying the moments when your friendship bled into the dynamic. «If the bad jokes and lyric references are back, I think it means you’re feeling better » he chuckled. You nodded and gave him a sincere smile. « I do. Thank you Sir. You’re a good dom. And a great friend. » you said with a heartfelt gratitude. He chortled and nodded. « I mean, it’s nothing special. Friendly cockwarming. It’s a thing. » he deadpanned. You couldn’t resist playing into it. «Makes sense. I might remember that next time work brings me down and ask my office buddy for a friendly favor » you playfully replied. The humor in your voice was unmistakable but it didn’t prevent him from squinting and his eyes from going darker. « oh yeah? Anything you want to share, doll ? » he asked sternly.

You gave him a smile and shook your head. You were well aware of the rules : the whole dynamic was basically a friends with benefit arrangement and, if you wanted to date or be involved with someone else, you were free to, but it would mean his domination would become strictly platonic. « There’s no one else, Sir. » you hummed. «I’m all yours », you added in a whisper, though you knew he could clearly hear it. « Good. I like the sound of that. You’re my good girl » he praised in a low voice, his face inching closer to yours. « I like being yours, sir » you added under your breath. You saw a smirk form on his face and, without adding anything, he pulled you to him and his lips crashed into yours, sending jolts of electricity through your whole body. You thoroughly enjoyed him having such a primal reaction. And it was quite rare, too. Most of the time, your dynamic didn’t involved a lot of flirting and teasing. Kissing, too, was quite rare. That being said, you found it quite exhilarating.

His kiss was possessive, not leaving room for doubt. His hands moved to your waist, his hold on you feeling fierce and raw. Though you were used to letting him be in control, this time, you couldn’t resist responding eagerly. Your body melted into his, your lips soft and insistent against his. Marshall’s hand slid up to the back of your neck, his fingers tangling in your hair as he deepened the kiss, a quiet growl escaping his throat as he claimed you fully. It was empowering and intoxicating, noticing the way he reacted to your submission. And you’d be lying if you said you didn’t enjoy him being territorial. As your mouths parted, in order to allow for some much-needed breathing, you slightly pulled back, realizing that, regardless of how enjoyable it was, you might be overstepping. « Sorry, sir », you whispered before lowering your gaze. He shook his head and cupped your cheek before capturing your lips in another kiss, this one slower and deeper that had you surrendering, melting against him. The kiss deepened, your bodies pressed close as you lost yourselves in each other. You already knew he was rock hard, obviously, and you could feel it through the fabric of his clothes. You were slowly grinding against each other, as you let him take the lead and instinctively followed his movements. « What can I do for you, Sir ? » you asked as you bit your lip. Your desire had you feeling as if you were burning from the inside, and you were dying to have him telling you to get on your knees and get to work. He smiled and placed a tender kiss on your lips before shaking his head. « You’re not doing anything for me, this weekend. I’m taking care of you, remember ? » he reminded you. « What do you have in mind, Sir ? » you asked. « At least a couple of orgasms, and maybe some more friendly cockwarming. There’s more holes for us to try », he replied with a promising smile.

[strawberryforks]

extra credit // cole walter x reader

summary: you and cole had a falling out. you’re not friends anymore but you still can’t sit back and watch him fail all of his classes—when you decide to tutor him, things are revealed, and things are fixed.

warnings: swearing, crying (this one has a happy ending don’t worry)

word count: 1730

a/n: requests/asks open and encouraged! <3

you hated cole walter more than was probably healthy. he broke your heart in fifth grade when he destroyed the science fair project you’d spent months working on and telling him about. family dinners were awkward as sin because even though you’d fallen out with the walters, your parents hadn’t… they owned a neighboring ranch and had know the walter family your entire life. so yes, you hated cole walter but you didn’t hate yourself which was the only reason you’d agreed to tutor him. your mom had begged you and your teacher mentioned that it would look good on your transcripts. in class, when you looked over and saw a red ‘f’ circled on the corner of his assignment, you almost felt bad. he’d shook his head and stuffed it into his bag. when the bell rang he was the first one out of his seat—you slung your bag over your shoulder and followed behind him, legs working twice as hard to catch up to his insanely long ones. “walter!” you shouted, “wait up!” he didn’t slow his pace but lee turned and tilted his head to the side. “not you.” you dismissed. “cole!” you tried again. this time he stopped. In the middle of the hallway teeming with teenagers, all in a rush to get home, he stopped. cole turned around and his blue eyes were full of confusion. it made sense, his apprehension, because you hadn’t spoken to him directly in years. yeah, you could hold a grudge. he looked side to side, almost expecting there to be another person with the same name. when there wasn’t, he gulped. “y/n/n?”

it was your turn to gulp. you hadn’t been called that in quite sometime. not by someone who mattered—who had mattered so much to you. “just y/n please.”

cole nodded and muttered his apologies, he could give you that much. “do you need a ride?”

“i need to talk to you, but we can do that in the car if you’ve got room.”

cole nodded and left through the double doors heading out to the student parking lot. He cast glances over his shoulder checking that you were still there and not a figment of his imagination. He opened your door and you scoffed but slid in anyways. “Thought I called shotgun!” Issac yelled, knocking into the passenger door before sliding into the back. cole shot him a look—one that said ‘shut up’ and he did. lee slid in beside him and then alex. the rest of the boys climbed in as well. you peaked over the back of your seat, meeting issac’s gaze. “sorry ise, i had no idea. we can swap spots if you want.”

“he’s fine,” cole said. he reached across you, grabbed your buckle, and plugged it in. “i could’ve done that,” you grumbled. cole didn’t care. he cranked the tunes, you switched the station and because you were talking to him, because you hadn’t in so long and he’d quite literally dreamed of this moment, he let you. he sat and listened to the shitty station you chose with a smile. danny bumped your shoulder on the way in and in the living room, you sat close to alex. your legs touched and though you thought nothing of it, cole was far from happy. alex whispered in your ear, “stay here for a second, i’ve never seen cole so red in the face.” you rolled your eyes, “i don’t need to make your brother jealous, alex. one—you have a girlfriend,” jackie was at one of her friend’s houses, “two, i’m not interested, and three, you guys don’t need another reason to fight. you hit him last time and i bet he’s itching to get even.”

cole passed you a glass of juice—your favorite and when his hand was empty he grabbed your arm and pulled you up. “what did you need to talk about?”

you weren’t stupid, you knew that was his way of getting you away from his brother. you didn’t care, though. you followed him and instead of leading you to his bedroom he took you out to the loft. you two had spent plenty of time together out there and you wondered if that was intentional. you climbed up and sat down, balancing on your favorite beam. cole inched closer, so he could reach you if he needed to. below there was only hay, but still, he was nervous, “i hate it when you sit there.”

“i know,” you said, but didn’t move, and that was that. “what’s up?” he asked softly.

“your hair. the middle part, i don’t like it.”

subconsciously he drug a hand through his blond locks then he saw a smile split your cheeks. you started laughing and he rolled his eyes. “had me ready to ask my mom for a haircut, y/n. not cool, not cool.”

this, you two, it felt too normal. too comfortable. too right. it was hard to remember that you were mad, let alone why.

you coughed a little, cleared your throat. “your grades, cole. they’re bad. i mean they’ve never been good—but you’ve really fallen off.”

cole’s smile flattened but you considered your small verbal assault “even when you were busy with football and with me it was never this bad, so what’s going on?”

“it’s not like i can go to college. football was all i had, it was my way out. when i lost it i had nothing, y/n. the only reason i haven’t dropped out is—“

“is because katherine and i would kill you?”

“i didn’t know you cared.”

“oh my lack of caring is not the problem here. it’s never been so don’t even start.” you take a breath, “ms jacobs said you’re doing bad in everything and worse in english—not in those exact words, so don’t start pouting or anything. i went around and talked to your teachers and got the work you missed, what they’re willing to let you redo, and extra credit assignments. so, get to work. i’m officially your tutor and no one i’m tutoring is getting anything less than an eighty.”

cole groaned when you handed him the pile of work but when you divided it by subject and deadline it was less overwhelming. the two of you worked in tandem for hours. he wrote, you edited. he attempted problems and you corrected them it he was wrong—explaining how to fix things. you went over formulas until he swore they were permanently burned into the backs of his eyelids.

“we’ll call it a night.” you decided when a quarter of the pile was completed. “you write an essay tonight and email it to me—i’ll edit it for you. the rest we can do when we meetup another day.”

“okay.” cole insisted on helping you down, and then when you turned to head out the driveway he grabbed your arm. “where are you going?”

“home.” you said.

“stay the night. you can take my bed and i’ll sleep on the couch. it’s dark and walking alone, especially at night, isn’t something i want you doing.”

“cole.” you warned.

“i don’t want anything to happen to you.” more than anything it was a confession. “stay for dinner at least, if you still want to leave i’ll drive you home. if you’re dead set on walking, i’ll walk with you.”

you couldn’t argue with that, not when kathrene and george were such great cooks. you headed inside and cole pulled an extra seat up to the table for you. “just you tonight, y/n?” george asked.

“yeah. mom and dad are at home, i just came over to help cole with… uh…” you didn’t know if all of his siblings and parents were aware of how he was struggling so you opted to say nothing. “with my truck,” cole supplied when his mother pinned him with a glare full of suspicion. “i love your outfit,” you tell parker when she passed you butter to twirl your corn through. cole passes you the salt before you can think to ask and it’s nice that he remembers these things. a smile tugs at the corner of my lips. small but bright.

after dinner you give in. you agree to sleepover and decide that you’ll take the bed and cole can sleep on the couch. when you’re settled in his room he leaves. you’re about to go to sleep, blankets piled on top of me and a smell that is so uniquely cole all around me when something catches my eye. it’s… it’s your project. you stand quick and cross to the closet, pulling it down carefully. the project he ruined in fifth grade is all there—glued back together. it’s perfect. you cry. it’s like you can’t stop crying. relief, anger, sadness, happiness, the emotions all slam into you with such force. tears trail down your cheeks and the wetness is still there when you find cole staring up at the ceiling, on the couch. he stands up quick—you’re upset, crying and he hates it. he doesn’t know what to do, what happened, how to fix it. you wrap your arms around him and squeeze. with your face buried into his chest you sob, “cole you fixed it,” it’s then that he finally clues in. “i couldn’t fix us so i… i fixed that. i never meant to break it.”

“i’m sorry!” you cried—loud and quiet at the same time. “no i am. i should’ve tried harder to explain myself,”

“i should’ve let you, cole. i never gave you a chance.”

“will you? give me a chance?”

you nodded. having cole back was the best thing that’d happened to you in a long time. family dinners became less awkward, you hungout with the walters more and a few weeks later, when it was time for the semi-formal dance, he asked you. picked you up in his truck (it was fixed and working great), gave you flowers, and spun you around all night. you held onto his arm, chatted, and at the end, you two stood outside under the stars, not quite ready to say goodbye or goodnight.

“i love you.” he said—it suprised you but not too much.

“i think i love you too.”

"you think you love me?" he asked with a teasing smile. “what if I kiss you right now? would that make it fact?"

you nodded, your lips met, and then the night was perfect. the project was fixed and so were you and cole. your best friend was now your boyfriend and you couldn’t be happier.

[urlocalmultigroupfan]

without you (pt. 8)

pairing: lee felix x female reader

summary: you have been best friends with the 00 liners+chan for a while now. now everyone is in college and when you begin to develop feelings, its getting hard to choose...

tags/warnings: college skz, liking multiple people at a time, fluff, angst, reader struggles with anxiety and depression, cussing, partially proofread

a/n: guys why am i listening to a christmas song 😭

The sun had already set by the time you finished your last class of the day. Your brain felt fried from hours of lectures, and your to-do list was growing longer by the minute. You needed a break, but more than that, you needed to get a handle on your assignments. The thought of studying alone didn’t seem very appealing, but when you saw a message pop up from Seungmin, you felt a little spark of relief.

“Hey, we’re doing a study session in my dorm tonight. You in? It’s just going to be me, but I could use the company.”

You smiled at the message. Seungmin had been your best friend since 8th grade—through middle school awkwardness, high school drama, and now, navigating the mess of university life. If anyone could make a study session feel less painful, it was him.

“I’ll be there. I need a break anyway.”

You quickly grabbed your things and made your way to his dorm.

When you knocked on Seungmin’s door a short while later, it swung open almost immediately. Standing in the doorway, he greeted you with that easygoing grin of his—one that never failed to make you feel like everything was going to be okay.

“Hey! You actually came,” he teased, stepping aside to let you in. “I thought you were going to bail last minute.”

“Like I would leave you hanging,” you replied, walking into the familiar space that had always felt like a second home. You couldn’t help but grin as you looked around. Seungmin’s dorm room was exactly as you’d expected: a little messy, papers scattered across the desk, books piled high, and the faint smell of instant ramen in the air. It was homey in its own way.

“You know I’d be lost without you, right?” Seungmin said, tossing himself down onto the couch dramatically. “I might’ve started eating instant noodles for dinner again if you hadn’t showed up.”

You raised an eyebrow at him. “You mean to tell me that’s not a ‘well-balanced meal’?”

“Hey, it’s got everything: noodles, broth, salt, and um… the will to survive,” he joked, nudging a cup of what looked like barely-drinkable instant coffee on the table toward you. “I know it’s not much, but I swear it’s the best thing I can offer right now.”

You chuckled and sat down next to him, grabbing the cup and taking a sip. You could already tell the night was going to be a mix of studying, procrastination, and, of course, plenty of banter. It was exactly what you needed.

“So, what’s the plan?” you asked, setting your bag on the floor beside the couch.

“Well, I was thinking we could start with history,” Seungmin said, his expression turning a little more serious as he picked up his laptop and opened a textbook. “But we’ll probably get distracted by random topics in between. You know how this goes.”

You laughed, leaning back on the couch. “I know exactly how it goes. That’s why I’m here. You make studying actually tolerable.”

Seungmin shot you a sideways glance, his lips curling into a smile. “Flattery will get you everywhere, Y/N. But honestly, I’m glad you’re here. It’s been a while since we had one of our study sessions.”

You smiled, feeling a warmth in your chest at his words. You hadn’t spent nearly as much time with Seungmin recently, between your packed schedules and the overwhelming workload of university. But whenever you were together, it felt like no time had passed at all.

“Yeah, I’ve missed this,” you said quietly. “It feels like everything’s been moving so fast. I needed a break from the chaos.”

Seungmin nodded, a bit more serious now as he looked over at you. “I get it. Things have been crazy. But hey, we’ll get through it. We’ve been doing this since middle school, right? We’ve survived worse.”

You smiled at that. It was true. From awkward middle school projects to high school finals and late-night cramming sessions, Seungmin had always been there. He was the friend who always knew how to make you laugh, no matter how stressed you were. The thought of getting through university without him seemed impossible.

As you both started opening up textbooks and sorting through notes, the comfortable rhythm of working together filled the space between you. It didn’t take long before the chatter started. Seungmin would ask a question about a chapter, you’d give him a response, and the conversation would spiral into something else entirely—life, friends, how hard it was to get used to university, and everything in between.

“So, how’s everything going with your classes?” Seungmin asked casually, glancing over at you as he opened his laptop to double-check some of his own notes.

You sighed, rubbing your temples. “Honestly, I’m a little overwhelmed. It’s like… there’s always something to do. I feel like I can never get ahead.”

He gave you a sympathetic look. “I know exactly what you mean. The workload is brutal. But hey, you’re doing great. Don’t stress too much about it. We’ve still got plenty of time to figure this out.”

You smiled gratefully, appreciating his words. “Thanks, Seungmin. I swear, you’re the only one who can talk me down when I start freaking out.”

“That’s what best friends are for, right?” he replied with a playful wink. "Plus, if you really need help, I’m pretty good at math. I could tutor you, but only if you promise not to make fun of my bad handwriting.”

You laughed. “I’d never. Besides, your handwriting is probably still better than mine.”

The rest of the evening passed in a comfortable haze of study breaks, snacks, and occasional bursts of laughter as you worked through the endless pages of notes. There was something about being with Seungmin that made everything feel more manageable. Even if the stress was still there, you knew you could handle it as long as you had friends like him by your side.

By the time you packed up to leave, you were grateful for the night. The mountain of work was still there, but for a little while, you’d managed to put it all aside and enjoy the simple pleasure of being in good company.

“Thanks for tonight, Seungmin,” you said, standing up and grabbing your bag. “I really needed this.”

“Anytime,” Seungmin replied with a grin. “We’ve got this, Y/N. We’ll make it through university, one instant noodle at a time.”

You chuckled, feeling that familiar warmth you always felt when you were with him. “Yeah, we will. See you tomorrow?”

“Of course. You know where to find me.” Seungmin waved as you made your way to the door, then called out with a smirk, “And don’t forget to text me if you need help with anything else. I’m your personal tutor now.”

You laughed as you stepped out, the door clicking shut behind you. The night air felt fresh, and for the first time all day, you felt like things were going to be okay.

please do not reblog without permission!

[alecvolturiswifeforever]

protector 𝜗𝜚 ׅ ۫ felix volturi x reader

warnings: none! but i didn’t proofread cause in sleepy

a/n: okay so i saw some princess x knight prompts and i suddenly had the urge to write (yayyy) butttt this is kinda more like bodyguardish? but considering the reader is technically a princess, it makes sense (i think?) idk if i like this… here it is regardless!! what i do know in fact, is Felix would be an amazing bodyguard… ;)

tag list: @your-next-daydream @agirllovespancakes @icefrozendeadlyqueen @iloveslasher

Your conception was not one to be expected, your birth even more so. Your parents had never expected to end up capable of the ability to be with child, and it was only a late night tryst between them, as well as the addition of a human lover which allowed for your existence to be known. It was your very being which had driven halflings to mere extinction. After the news of the birth of a half human, half vampire babe many had seeked to create half-mortals of their own, wanting the ability to study and observe the peculiar natures of a half mortal, half immortal being for their own.

Quickly, however the rise of vampire hybrids became rather… difficult to control, and suddenly, just a few years after your birth, many had ended up being disposed of, followed by that of their creators who had seemingly taken advantage of the new discovery. It was as if your kind never existed at all.

This therefore meant that you could not exist either. Not freely, anyway. Your parents kept you hidden from both vampires and humans alike - never to be seen by anyone outside of the Volturi coven. It was only after a brutal battle between both the Romanian coven and your own that you and your mother were forced away, trapped up in the tower your father so graciously obliged you both were to stay.

After a few years you began to question him, question why you were secluded to the four walls of your bed chambers for majority of the day whilst he got to walk freely as he pleased.

“In case of another attack, my sweet.” He spoke softly, brushing his fingers across your cheek in order to gather your thoughts and contemplate his next words “You must stay here with your mother… where you will be safe.”

You would simply sigh in response, mumbling about how boring it was to be trapped on your own for all hours of the day. After some convincing from your mother (and endless begging from yourself) it was finally agreed that you were allowed to roam the castle freely. That was only if you would allow them to assign you a guard, who would essentially follow you everywhere. You complained at first, sulked that you were not a child anymore and could look after yourself. You quickly caved in on the agreement when you realised it was either that or die of boredom up in that stupid tower, and there blossomed your beautiful friendship with Felix, your assigned guard. You were allowed to walk as freely through the castle as you desired, so long as your so called guard was able to accompany you. He was, however, a rather busy man and you had a great suspicion your father purposely kept him busy in order to stop you from leaving the tower.

What your parents (or yourself - if you were being honest) did not take into consideration, was the fact that following the friendship you had developed over the many years the two of you spent together, you may have gained much more intense feelings for said guard, a fondness that deepened way beyond any sort of emotion you had felt for anyone before. You decided you would never act upon it, save yourself the embarrassment of revealing any sort of romantic feeling only for it to be unrequited on his behalf. It was only when it was made known that your feelings were reciprocated that the flirting started, furthermore you had steadily moved on from harmless flirting, opting for sneaking behind your parents back any chance you had to spend time together.

“Felix…” You whined on approach, skipping forward to catch up and sync your footsteps with his own, albeit you struggled to keep up with the giant, one of his footsteps equating to at least three of your own. He chuckled, slowing to a gentle stroll as he offered his arm to you, the respectful gentleman he was, and eagerly you looped your own through his. He smirked at the tinge of blood which had risen to your cheeks, painting them with a faint blush only he could draw from you.

“What’s wrong, princess?”

“I am bored! Please tell me you are free for a stroll in the gardens…” You looked up at him hopefully, putting on your best puppyeyed look; one you knew he would not be able to resist - at least not without putting up a fight.

“Unfortunately for you I am not. I am due to be in the training room. Plus, I am not sure your father will be happy if he finds out of your attempts to distract me from my duties.”

Your eyes rolled as if on their own accord, a scoff leaving your lips as you stopped walking, tugging on his arm to do the same. He turned to face you completely, gazing down at you apologetically.

“Perhaps you deserve the distraction! You're always working so hard," Your lower lip stuck out some more, a playful pout on your lips making him chuckle. He lifted a hand to cup your cheek, brushing his thumb across your lip in an attempt to remove it.

“I work hard to protect you, tesoro. That is my job.” He laughed at the petulant look on your face, feeling you tug on him again. You glanced briefly around the empty corridor, before you lowered your voice to a sultry whisper.

“Come and protect me from upstairs then.”

It worked, if the bob of his Adam’s apple and the sharp inhale of unneeded breathe he took was anything to go by. A breathless whisper of your name left his lips, and you knew you were slowly getting him right where you wanted him.

“Darling.” His voice a growl as he fought against his desires, his better judgement overriding his need to have you beneath him, panting and begging for more. “You know I cannot do that. I am not permitted to-“

“You’re not permitted to my room, yeah yeah. I know.” You huffed, looking up at him from beneath your lashes “But…”

“But?”

“Your job is to protect me, so…” You sent him a smirk, looping your arms around his waist and gazing up at him “…protect me.”

He had slowly, perhaps even subconsciously, begun leaning towards you as you spoke, and you sent him one last smirk before you set off running. He groaned before calling out after you.

“Y/N?”

“It would be an awful shame if I made it into the dungeons before you were able to protect me, Fe!”

What he didn’t catch onto, was the fact you ran the complete opposite direction of the dungeons, falling right into your grasp (and shortly, your bed).

His growl of frustration was the last thing you heard as you rounded the corner, loud squeals of laughter and happiness leaving your lips as you both drew closer to your room.

[serickswrites]

Lonely Place of Longing IX

Master list link here (includes links to chapters, summary, and character bios)

Warnings: captivity, pending war, scars, restraints

Dylan still couldn’t believe that Halle loved him. This is too good to be true. You’ll realize I’m a monster and leave. And that’s ok. I don’t blame you. Sweetheart, you are my life. I feel alive because of you. I am alive because of you. You are my everything. I love you. I love you. I love you. But he couldn’t say anything to call it in to question because as time wore on, he wasn’t sure he could bear to not have Halle love him.

Dylan loved all the little moments in his day with Halle. Shared meals, evenings spent watching the stars, but most of all he cherished waking up next to her. He had been alone for so long and so to have someone, to really have someone, was everything beyond his wildest imaginings.

“What happened here?” Halle asked as she traced a thick scar from his sternum to his left shoulder. They had spent the morning laying in bed. Neither had been called off to an assignment and so they hadn’t gotten out of bed.

Someone tried to end me. I didn’t agree with the choices that person had made. And I wasn’t going to let the world burn. But it came at a great cost. “Mission went sideways years ago. I….I nearly didn’t make it that time either. Many people died on that mission.”

Halle frowned. “I don’t like thinking that you’ve nearly died as many times as you have, love.”

And I haven’t even scratched the surface yet. Don’t worry, I won’t leave you. I love you. I love you. I love you. “I’m still here.”

Halle kissed him softly. “And I’m so glad of that, love.”

***

“What do you think this briefing is about?” Halle asked as she came into Dylan’s room. Thomas had knocked on both of their doors half an hour ago requesting their presence for a briefing. Thomas even said that Halle could supervise Dylan on the walk over to mission control.

“Something stupid, I’m sure.” It has to be serious if they are letting me out of the room and telling me what it is. But why include you? You aren’t even allowed to see my powers. You have a very limited knowledge of what I do. Why would they bring you in on these meetings?

“It’s kind of exciting to be included. I know they usually just leave you in the dark until we get there.” Halle glanced at Dylan out of the corner of her eye. The two of them had maintained an appropriate distance from one another as they quickly marched through their quarters to mission control.

And that is exactly why I think it’s something they need my input on. It has to be something serious. “That will be a nice change.”

Dylan froze as they entered mission control and saw Owen’s face plastered on the giant TV screen. Well fuck. He knew he was expected to stand at attention next to Halle. Knew he was supposed to be respectful. But he didn’t need to hear this briefing. He knew what it was.

Halle tried to whisper to him, but Dylan brushed her off. He walked to the back of the room, choosing to stand beside Lysander. Lysander glared and walked off. That’s better. I’d rather be alone anyway.

He stared up at Owen’s face. It was an image taken years ago. I gave you a scar on your cheek eight years ago. This photo is older than that. He stared up at the face that held such painful memories for him. Stared up at the face he knew almost as well as he knew his own. Stared up at the face of the man he had fought against countless times. Stared up at Owen’s face and only felt sadness. We knew this day was coming. We knew we would face it each other when you made the choices you did. I warned you.

Dylan sighed. He watched Halle listen to Samuel and Thomas. Watched as Halle’s face filled with confusion. You’ll get another briefing after this. To explain what Owen really is. What I really am. And then you won’t love me anymore. I knew this would happen. It was bound to happen. I am a miserable, wretched monster. You could never love me for long.

Dylan didn’t need to listen to Samuel. Didn’t want to listen to Samuel. I’ve heard enough from you to last a lifetime. And you still haven’t learned what you needed to learn all those years ago.

But as Thomas stepped forward, chest puffed out with a sense of self importance, Dylan looked away. They’re going to make me hunt you. But you know that. You’re counting on that. You want me to hunt you. Because you can get your revenge on them, on me. But you won’t win. You’re too emotional. It made you a liability for Scutus. It makes you stupid. I don’t want to hurt you, kill you. But if you force my hand, I won’t hesitate.

Dylan wanted nothing more than to leave mission control. To be anywhere but there. He was waiting for Thomas or Samuel to reveal the truth he, and the Authority, had kept hidden for so long. The truth that would make Dylan even more hated than he was.

But neither Samuel or Thomas mentioned anything. Their instructions were clear: in two week’s time, Alpha team would infiltrate Owen’s hideaway and destroy him. Dylan would be deployed at exactly the right time to ensure Owen’s demise.

I am a wretched monster. I don’t want to do this. But I will. Because I have no choice.

Halle waited for Dylan at the door. They barely said anything as the two of them made their way back to Dylan’s rooms. I don’t think I can talk about this. You’re going to want to talk. I don’t think I can.

“What do you make of all that?” Halle asked as she shut the door behind herself.

Dylan didn’t say anything as he crossed the room and flung open the balcony door. He felt like he was suffocating. He leaned on the railing as he stared out over the moonlit grounds of Tectus. It is to be war between us, Owen. I don’t wish it to be, but you’re getting your wish.

“Dylan?” Halle asked.

Dylan still felt like he was being suffocated. He needed to walk, go somewhere, be anywhere but here. “I need to go.”

“What?” Halle froze as she stood next to Dylan on the balcony.

“Do you trust me?” Please. Please. Please, trust me. I need this. Please, sweetheart.

“Of course I do.”

“Then let me go.” I can’t leave unless I am escorted, these damned cuffs won’t allow it. But there are loopholes. I can’t open this door to leave, but if you do, I can. I can leave even if you open the door and its hours later.

“Dylan, I…I can’t do that. You know that.” Halle’s eyes filled with pity.

Don’t pity me. I don’t need your pity. I just need your help. “Please. I…I just need to breathe. It’s too stifling in here for me. Believe in me, set me free. I promise I will just walk the grounds and return before dawn.”

“Dylan—“ “Please,” Dylan begged, “please, just let me go.”

Halle shut her mouth. She thought about it for a moment before nodding. “Ok, I wish you would talk to me though.”

Thank you. Thank you. I love you. I love you. I love you. “I promise I will answer all your questions if you let me go now. Just open the door. I’ll wait until I know the hall is quiet. No one will know. And when I get back we can talk.”

Halle rose up on tiptoe to kiss him. “I love you, Dylan.”

Dylan returned her kiss. “I love you, sweetheart, more than anything.” Even though you won’t love me after your next meeting with Thomas. Not when you learn what I truly am.

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[cultpastorkevin]

Dependent Personality Disorder, Kevin Day, & the Edgar Allan Ravens

brought to you by an ex cult pastor w/ crippling mental issues

well let’s just jump right into it ngl (also if I miss anything or forget something give me a pass I have amnesia and a one track mind so I definitely missed stuff)

Okay so the whole Ravens always have a partner, never go anywhere alone, if one fails you both pay, etc. I’ve been thinking about this for weeks and I don’t see it broken down and discussed at length enough, so imma try to do that from a mixed personal experience & psychology perspective

The fact Jean, Neil and Kevin have all stated in books and in the extra content that not having that presence next to them was devastating (much less so for Neil okay he didn’t spend fucking years there); Nora has also talked about how Ravens are basically unable to function if left alone; you can’t send them to the store alone or leave them places or expect them to be capable of completing tasks without their other half; TSC reeks of Jean having to learn how to function without a double and it’s gonna be a trainwreck for Jeremy bc how the fuck can Jean be this old and not feel able to have a room on his own anyways—

What is Dependent Personality Disorder?

The DSM-5 refers to DPD as a pervasive and excessive need to be taken care of, which leads to submissive and clinging behavior and fears of separation. It is characterized by excessive fear and anxiety. DPD begins by early adulthood, is present in a variety of contexts, and is associated with inadequate functioning. Symptoms can include anything from extreme passivity, devastation, or helplessness when relationships end; avoidance of responsibilities; and severe submission.

According to the DSM-5, the disorder is indicated by at least five of the following factors:

has difficulty making everyday decisions without an excessive amount of advice and reassurance from others.

needs others to assume responsibility for most major areas of their life.

has difficulty expressing disagreement with others because of fear of loss of support or approval.

has difficulty initiating projects or doing things on their own (because of a lack of self-confidence in judgment or abilities rather than a lack of motivation or energy).

goes to excessive lengths to obtain nurturance and support from others, to the point of volunteering to do things that are unpleasant.

feels uncomfortable or helpless when alone because of exaggerated fears of being unable to care for themselves.

urgently seeks another relationship as a source of care and support when a close relationship ends.

is unrealistically preoccupied with fears of being left to take care of themselves.

Since I only need 5, and I don’t want to bore everyone to death, I’ll just do 5.

needs others to assume responsibility for most major areas of their life

Kevin spent well, basically his entire life having everything picked out for him by others. Exy was chosen for him. Where he lived, when he slept, what he ate and when was chosen. Riko and Tetsuji dictated his every fucking step up until he left. Kevin didn’t learn anything he wasn’t supposed to learn and therefore automatically expected others to do it for him because that’s what he was taught to do. Kevin’s only skill in life is Exy, which means he doesn’t have any other skills (well he does, he just doesn’t think they’re useful or important). Ravens are taught to be dependent on each other because without each other, they’re not whole or a person; they’re dehumanized until they begin to assign responsibility to someone they think is more equipped for it, is better for it, which is usually an authority figure (in this case, those figures are Riko and Tetsuji). Tetsuji knew exactly what he was doing by creating the psychological mindfuck of an inter-dependent group that is the Ravens. He took a bunch of young adults, gave them a god, and then helped that god beat them into numb dissociation until they couldn’t think for themselves and were even afraid to.

has difficulty expressing disagreement with others because of fear of loss of support or approval

Reminder that DPD is prevalent in people who have been excessively abused and it’s also characterized by extreme anxiety. For people like Kevin and the Ravens, expressing anything other than what Riko and Tetsuji wanted could get them killed; it wasn’t just about being terrified of disapproval or protection, it was because losing anything from the group meant you were gonna get hurt (usually badly). Jean was literally waterboarded for shits and giggles, you think Riko is gonna take someone saying no very well (Neil Josten drove him insane I can tell u that much)? Ravens have a hive mind mentality because a hive mind keeps them alive and safe. Kevin had a hive mind when he was with Riko, and I’d argue he still had the remnants of one when he was with the Foxes. Riko breaking his hand was the only thing that broke him out of it, and even then, it barely did. Kevin only started mouthing off to Riko when Neil (bless his scrungly ass) started shaking Riko’s brain like a maraca. He had someone he could depend on in those situations because, again, Ravens always do things together. Kevin wouldn’t fucking dream of shitting on Riko at Kathy’s show by himself. Kevin spent 10+ years at Evermore with his sanity hanging on the hook of a batshit adoptive brother whose approval or disapproval would dictate if he was allowed to sleep. So yeah, I’d say Kevin had a violent need to always express agreement and do everything Riko wanted whether he liked it or not because the anxiety and terror of not doing so outweighed any sense of self preservation he could have. That ties in w the next one.

goes to excessive lengths to obtain nurturance and support from others, to the point of volunteering to do things that are unpleasant

Riko utilized abuse in a lot of ways; Nora put in her extra content that he had other Ravens rape Jean; imo, those Ravens most likely didn’t fucking want to, but going to excessive lengths to stay within his approval and be safe? Yeah, they were gonna do it. Tetsuji and Riko also make the Ravens never miss practice or any other shit they want them to do, regardless of the state they’re in. Which means you’re going to practice when you’ve been raped the night before; it means you’re going to practice after getting butchered all night by your other half, etc. Anyways; when Kevin works with the Foxes, he repeatedly does the opposite and basically throws a fit if someone steps on court that isn’t in shape to. This begs the eye raiser that he didn’t want those things happening at Evermore, but he did them anyways because his need for approval and the anxiety of not doing so, outweighed the fact he hated doing it. He was so dependent on Riko and staying close that he was pretty willing to toss anyone and everyone under the bus to meet expectations even if they left a nauseating pit in his stomach. Doing unpleasant things for the person you’re attached to is hard, but their praise and approval after the actions erase all previous anxieties, which then fuels a broken cycle of seeking out that approval and continuing to engage in unpleasant actions out of fear of not recieving that pending approval afterwards. It’s hard to explain succinctly the mindfuck DPD causes your thoughts to be like when you have it.

urgently seeks another relationship as a source of care and support when a close relationship ends

Kevin lost Riko. You know what he gets next? Fucking Andrew. I don’t even know if I need to explain this one because Kevin’s dependency on Andrew is so prevalent and excruciatingly obvious throughout the whole series lmao. Kevin ain’t gonna admit it but he relies on Andrew like a starving man relies on garbage (no offense Andrew). Kevin’s duo dependency with Riko was shattered to its core and guess what idiot he latches onto to fill the void? Andrew ofc. I think out of everyone, Andrew is probably the healthiest until Neil comes along (still think it should’ve been a polycule but I digress).

Riko’s obsessiveness and possessiveness with Kevin was crippling to Kevin and left him without the ability to exist without a buffer. Andrew’s apathetic ass and explicit understanding of consent is needed to balance out Riko’s emotional instability and disregard for Kevin’s autonomy. I would go so far as to say it was dependency that forced Kevin to become more independent because Andrew wasn’t going to sit on his ass and wait for Kevin to figure it out or heal. Kevin only struggled into some form of functionality out of what I personally see as a crippling people pleasing need to be useful and that came from being dependent on those around him. He became semi functional (I use this so vaguely bc that man would not be functional in the real world) out of necessity and obligation to those around him, not because he actually healed or processed his shit.

Ignoring your own issues to meet expectations of the one(s) you’re dependent on is stereotypical avoidance and signs of people pleasing and also it’s a trauma response. Kevin quite literally just went “yeah well I have some problems but I’m going to push those aside bc nothing else matters besides Exy” and then proceeded for the entire series to use Exy, Neil, and Andrew as ways to try to avoid his trauma history. He’s kinda insane for that but also I get it, because placing your trauma lower than something else and then in turn obsessing over something or someone helps you compartmentalize and pseudo-function until you eventually snap and have a massive meltdown. Another thing is that when you’re living in an abusive environment you can’t afford those meltdowns. I like think that after all the shit happened in AFTG, Kevin just lost his shit for a period of time because it’s a very reasonable trauma response in victims for once you’re finally safe, you just shatter from all the pressure you’ve been avoiding in yourself. It’s only after you shatter that you can heal, and you can’t do that unless you’re in a space that you’re allowed to. And Tetsuji kept his Ravens in a headspace where they couldn’t.

feels uncomfortable or helpless when alone because of exaggerated fears of being unable to care for themselves

Ngl I’ve kinda already covered aspects of this but I just wanna reiterate what Nora said abt this specifically in her extra content that “Kevin is the one who warns Jeremy he (Jean) cannot go anywhere alone, “we Ravens don’t know how” and “Being able to go to class or the grocery store or the gym without any of his teammates in attendance is just—unfathomable” in regards to Jean Moreau’s transition into the Trojans. This is just kinda, explanatory. We’re talking about college age athletes who have been hazed and abused so much that the idea of going to a class alone isn’t even a concept to them; Kevin explicitly tells Jeremy that Ravens don’t know how to do things. They’re dependent on each other. Kevin is not only speaking to help Jean, but when he says “us Ravens” he’s including himself in that statement because he can’t either and he knows how hard it is to try to acclimate to suddenly being thrust into individuality when you haven’t had it in years. Unlike most of the Ravens, Kevin and Riko (and eventually Jean as well) grew up having that inter dependency made into a core personality trait. They hate each other and they love each other, their failures and wins depend on each other, one can’t breathe without the other suffering for it. At what point does trained and conditioned, and ultimately encouraged, dependent behavior turn into brainwashing and dehumanization until there’s nothing left of you but the one you’re dependent on?

Finally

I’m not saying Kevin Day or all of the Ravens have DPD; but what I am saying is that they have extreme traits at the least of it and it is entirely fucking reasonable to me that at least a few of them ended up with DPD or similar disorders because of the shit that happened to them in the Nest. People forget that trauma and adverse circumstances (especially from young ages like Kevin and Riko and Jean) can cause you to develop disorders or even mimic symptoms of disorders because those traumatic events caused reactions that are disordered behaviors. I feel if anything is to be nitpicked, it’s Kevin’s absolute bitchiness, because god he can be an asshole, and someone somewhere could argue because he has that antagonistic streak, DPD is entirely out of the question.

Unfortunately, the dichotomy exists of knowing when you can be bitchy and maintain submissiveness. Kevin probably learned where and when and to what extent he could tow that line when he lived in the Nest, whether it was taking out his anger and his anguish on other Ravens, on the court, or on the Foxes when he moved over. In my experience, my own explosive anger issues had to be portioned out, I had to know who I could do that to, be like that with. When and where was the correct time to lash out and when I was gonna get hit for it. Kevin isn’t stupid, he knew what Riko and Tetsuji were like. He also knew he had the upper hand in the power dynamic over the Raven’s on court. If he went for blood out of anger during practice, triggered by if Riko hurt him too much or took too much from him, other Ravens just had to take it, or worse, probably were encouraged to encourage the brutality.

All in all, I think Tetsuji created an absolute fucking labyrinth of a psychological warzone that both forced submission and rewarded dominance; it left lasting behavioral traits and triggered disorders that crippled Ravens, some for their entire lives. I wanna bet probably no former Raven went to therapy; the ones that got divvied up after the Nest closed probably were required to by their new teams, and they probably are the only generation that maybe were able to heal from it. In the extra content, Thea decided because Kevin could play again, “no harm no foul” on Riko’s end. If that’s not hivemind, culty, worshipper behavior, idk what is. That’s not a normal reaction, but it is a conditioned one.

[thetraumaking]

The Accursed Crown

Other chapters

Chapter 19

She didn’t feel as though she was deserving of the praises. They have successfully taken over the land and have completed their mission. With less than twenty percent casualties, they had taken down the enemy fleet rather quickly. 

People say that as long as you come back from war living and breathing, it is a victory. Yet to her, it felt far from it. In fact, she felt humiliated. 

Due to her negligence, not only was she seen frozen in the ground, you had to step in to save her from being impaled. There will be yet another scar that will now linger on your body. This one wasn’t even her doing.  Not directly at least. 

It was an accident. 

On her part. 

Worst of all, since the day her vision got blurred by your blood, each night she spent having nightmares of you being killed. Be it by accident or by someone, you always ended up dying in her arms. She’s tired of waking up in a cold sweat, she’s tired of seeing your mangled body every time she closes her eyes. 

She’s tired. 

Letting out a sigh, she looked at the dock. Servants running around like headless chickens, filling her boat with crates and barrels. Shortly after she came back from “observing” your battle against the Earth kingdom. She got her first, this time official, assignment. 

Though rather than a battle against fully trained and armed soldiers, she will be facing peasant born villagers. It was a siege. A little village in the corner of their world map. An island that exists between the Earth and Water nations. 

An insignificant plot of land, though it made a perfect playground for her. A safe place to make mistakes, though she had no plans on doing so. 

Walking down the stairs, she drew near the dock where you stood. Personally, making sure she had everything she needed. From daily change of clothes to meals and supplies. As someone who went to countless battles and field training, who knows better to bring what kinds of equipment other than you? 

“Will you be seeing me off?” She stood beside you as you checked off a list. You looked better when you weren’t covered in blood. 

“Yes, I will, Princess.” You nodded, your gaze still on the paper, pencil in hand marking off each section. “I believe you will emerge victorious in your first battle.” You sounded better when you weren’t choking or gurgeling. 

“Well, of course. Could you expect anything else?” She smiled, “Though, you could hardly call this a battle. The village has a mix of both earth and water benders, and seeing as most masters prefer being amongst their kind, I can’t imagine any of the villagers being proficient enough to be considered a threat.”

“Still, it is never wise to underestimate your opponent.” You handed your pencil to a passing maid before setting the marked papers ablaze. The gray ash flys with the wind as you spoke, “Killing takes a toll on your mental psyche. If possible, try to do it quickly.” You turned to her, holding her gaze but you didn’t lean down. “Don’t let them speak, don’t see them as people, once they open their mouth and start talking about their life, it makes it harder for you to end them.”

She feels your hand squeeze her shoulder, “The faster you get rid of them the better. Keep conversations short and eye contact shorter.” 

Nodding to what you said, she thought back to the battle. Since it was war, who has the time to carelessly chat with the enemy? Other than to interrogate, why talk to them at all? There must be someone that’s on your mind for you to say such cryptic things. 

Must be someone you had to kill back at the camp.

 “Don’t worry. Talking over tea wasn’t part of the itinerary anyway.” With a wave of her hand, she began walking forward. What you said was true, she had no issue in doing away with random soldiers but the mere thought of loosing you grips at her heart.  Clearing her throat, she changed the topic. “It’s time to board the ship, is there anything that you would like to give me?”

She watched you think something over, something akin to a mental battle with yourself as your shoulder sagged. You kneeled down before pressing your lips on her right cheek. “Don’t people usually kiss both?”

Her eyebrow rose when you shook your head. “I’ll kiss the other one when you come back.” She noticed your eyes soften ever so slightly. Nothing too revealing but to her, for someone who had spent the better part of her life being beside you, she could tell. It was clear enough. 

Hiding her joy with a scoff, she crossed her arms, “I’m not a child who needs motivation, you know? But, I guess it won’t hurt to play along.” She copied what you did, leaving a peck on your cheek, “I’ll kiss the other one when you welcome me back.”

You went rigid before giving her a nod. 

True to your words, you stood with her till she set sail. Though no more words were exchanged. 

I'm going plane.

[chriscdcase95]

Wednesday Addams doesn’t cuddle. Doesn’t snuggle. And doesn’t like to be serenaded. Not in public at least.

It’s something she saves for special occasions, but it’s a promise that she made Enid. And Enid intends to hold her to that…

Or because AO3 doesn’t allow full lyric song fics. 

Authors Note: The main song here "Could I Be Your Girl ?" by Jane Arden - lyrics reworked for a Sapphic context.

— — — —

In their dorm, Wednesday is at her typewriter, finishing up a segment in her latest chapter.

Her story features a vampire protagonist who was born on December 24th, and she has spent over half the day researching how Christmas was celebrated in the 17th and 18th centuries.

Behind her, the door opens and Enid steps in looking proud of herself.

“I did it!” Enid exclaims, tossing her bag on the bed.

“Killed your mother ?” Wednesday doesn't even look away from the type-writer, a ghost of a smile on her face “Well, I'm proud of you, but announcing it so brazenly-”

“No silly,” Enid walks up behind Wednesday, wrapping her arms around her from behind, resting a chin on her shoulder “I not only passed the history exam, I beat it!”

Wednesday tries to remain sober, she really does, but her snarky declaration of being proud becomes a lot more genuine.

The past week, Enid had to do a history exam regarding the Civil war and accounts of how confederate raiders in Evermore.

For her assignment Enid was trying to prove the often disputed accounts of the “Red Bath” siege - something Evermore's historians usually don't seriously consider. Notably, the accounts of Addams' ancestors at the time, Ezekial "Tanhide" Addams and his sister Morrigan, holding Evermore's fort during these raids.

Anyways, Wednesday's tutoring of Enid helped her prove the authenticity of these accounts, and further debunked the claims of “reformed” confederate Captain Normanmeyer, whose atrocities were similarly downplayed or dismissed by Evermore historians.

Bottom line, Enid not only passed with flying colors, but drove the history teacher and even local historians into an existential crisis. And for that, Wednesday was extremely proud.

So much so...that before the exam, she promised Enid she would let her-

“Soooo,” Enid says, a sly grin washing over her face, as a look of realization washes over Wednesday's “About my reward...”

A little flustered, Wednesday has a rare uncertain expression on her face, when she looks at an expectant Enid.

“Can-can this wait, you know, until tonight ?”

“Oh, but Honey Badger,” Enid takes one of Wednesday's hair braids, and twirls it around her finger “I've been waiting all week..”

Wednesday exhales deeply through her nose.

She did promise Enid. And Enid has been patient.

“Very well,” Wednesday says, getting up and away from her chair and Enid, making her way towards their window, preparing to close the blinds.

“No.” Enid says.

“No ?”

“I want them open.”

“Enid!” Wednesday didn’t mean to raise her voice, nor could she help the flustered blush that washed over her.

But Enid’s request and how brazen she was being caught Wednesday off guard. She honestly didn’t know what came over her.

“I want the window open too...” Enid grins.

“But-”

“Please Wends ?” Enid gives a sad puppy dog look, pushing out her lower lip.

Wednesday takes a deep breath. 

Were they really gonna do this ? Was she really going to let Enid cuddle and snuggle her, to serenade her for the world to see and hear ?

Sweet Morrigan, Enid was going to be the death of her! And Wednesday found herself loving Enid more for it.

And if that annoying voice in the back of her head was any indication…she wasn’t opposed to letting anyone hear Enid’s sing to her. 

Wednesday let Enid cuddle her like this three times before; she let Enid sing to her three times before. No self respecting Addams would admit to it, but it did things to her.

But this time, letting others know that Enid snuggles her and sings to her…it meant something far more intimate. It let the world know she belonged to her.

Composing herself, Wednesday tries to remain sober as she opens the window.

“If that’s what you want,” she says “It is your reward.”

Blushing with excitement, Enid takes her place on the bed, waiting for Wednesday, who takes her time making her way to their bed.

“Although…” Wednesday says, trying to delay the inevitable “I had other ideas-”

Wednesday makes a noise like a yelp, as Enid takes her by the wrist and pulls her into the bed. In what was about ten and eight seconds in real time, felt like forever as Wednesday was pulled onto Enid's lap, and she felt herself freeze. 

Enid giggles as she feels Wednesday tense and shiver. To relax her, she gingerly moves her hands up and down Wednesday’s shoulders and arms.

“Ready ?”

Wednesday closes her eyes, taking a shaky breath.

“Just…just do it.”

With a small smile, Enid wrapped her arms around Wednesday’s stomach and gently pulled her in, snuggling her from behind. Wednesday takes several deep breaths, before she feels Enid gently rocking her from side to side. 

Enid is humming a tune, which gets her to relax a little.

After a moment, Enid rests her chin on Wednesday’s shoulders, putting lyrics to the tune in a soft singing voice.

“Hide your heart under the bed/And lock your secret drawer/Wash the angels from your head/Won't need them anymore,” Enid begins to sing “Love is a demon and you're the one she's coming fooor/Ooooh my Lord...”

Wednesday is flushed, she opens her eyes to look out the window. She can hear students outside. Which meant they could hear Enid.

But if she keeps her voice at this soft volume–

Wednesday’s hopes and silent prayers were shot down, as Enid raises her singing voice to a greater tempo.

“She's bringing sweet salvation/Let temptation take you in/She's every fear and every hope/And every single sin/She is the universe, the love you've been imaginiiiing/Ooooh myyyy Lord/Oh my, my/Oh myyyyy Looooord/Oh myyyyy, my Lord...”

Wednesday opens her mouth, about to verbally object that they could be heard. But Enid’s singing voice had an effect on her that humbled her. Divina is clearly some sort of influence on Enid, but she doesn’t know if that is a good or bad thing.

“And I am ashes/I am Gaia/I am precious/Could I be your girl ?/Could I be your giiiirl?” Enid hits the chorus.

Wednesday opens one eye to the window. The voices outside have stopped. Either they’ve all gone indoors…or they could hear it.

They could hear Enid, and they would know…some might want to investigate — confirm their suspicions — and they would know for sure. They would know that Wednesday Friday Addams, daughter of Gomez and Morticia…allowed her significant other to cuddle and serenade her for the world to hear.

“Put a chair against the door/And turn the lights down low/Write a letter to yourself/No one will ever know/Tell them all about the girl who just refused to fall/Ooooh my Lord-”

At the start of the school years, Wednesday would get so mortified at the very thought or idea, that she would sooner go a week in all pink. And yet…Wednesday find herself liking it. 

“She is the very breath you feel inside your lungs at night/She is the bitter wind who's drying up your appetite/She is the darkness that seeps into your fading liiight,” Enid continues, affectionately nuzzling her nose into Wednesdays hair “Ooooh myyy Lord/Oh my, my, oh myyyyy Looooord...”

Outside the dorm, several students are listening, with mixed expressions of disbelief, and embarrassment.

Everyone’s eyes are towards the dorm, and the open window. Vampires are paying attention. Gorgons are paying attention. Werewolves and Sirens are ESPECIALLY paying attention. Bianca is looking away, covering her mouth with a flustered expression.

“And I am ashes, I am Gaia/I am precious/Could I be your giiiirl?/Could I be your giiiiirl?/ Ooooh.” Enid continues to sing.

Across the courtyard, Yoko and Divina are coming back to the school grounds. The latter with two ice cream cones in hand.  Between them is four year old Pubert Addams, who Yoko and Divina have taken to get ice cream when Wednesday dropped babysitting duties on them.

A mortified Yoko crouches down, protectively covering Pubert’s innocent ears, while Divina nods towards the dorm with an approving expression.

“And I am worthless sounds compared to all your perfect words/Could I be your giiiirl?/Could I be your giiiiiirl?”

As Enid hums the instrumental, Wednesday tries to formulate any lucid thought, her fluttering eyes still to the window. Her breathing is heavy through her nose. She bites her lower lip, and couldn’t stop her blush if she tried. 

And she did. She really did.

It’s only when she thinks she can breathe, that is when Enid hits the final chorus.

“Wash the angels from your head/Won't need them anymore/Hide your heart under the bed/And lock your secret drawer/Love is a demon, and you're the one she's coming for/Ooooh myyy Lord!”

“Oh my lord…” slips past a flustered Wednesday’s lips, and she really hopes she is mouthing. But she can feel Enid smirking against her neck, and had the sinking feeling that she heard it. And the others heard it from outside.

Wednesday thought she could die…and yet. It made her feel alive! 

She can certainly understand why her parents are so cuddle/serenade happy when they think she, Pugsley or Pubert couldn’t hear them. Morticia’s “talk” with her was right. It did feel natural. And with that, Enid brought the final verses to a close. 

“Oh my, my lord/Oh my Lord/Could I be your girl ?/Oh my Lord)/Could I/Could I be your girl…”

Enid brings her voice lower and softer, a gentle hush and she feels Wednesday squirm a little.

“Oh, sorry!” Endid releases Wednesday, and gives her some space.

Wednesday, still catching her breath, doesn’t even care if her face is red. She adjusts her hair and waves her hand to fan off her face, before placing it on her forehead. For a moment she doesn’t say anything, as she tries to compose herself.

“I’m sorry I–” Enid tries to stay, but stops when Wednesday holds a finger up to silence her.

Wednesday takes another moment, before looking at Enid.

“Could…?” Wednesday tries to say, before her face turns a mild pink. 

She bites her lip and takes a deep breath, and it dawns on Enid what she is trying to say.

“Could…I…try that…with you ?” Wednesday winces, not believing she was actually saying this. 

“Yes!” Enid says excitedly, before trying to calm herself, and okay it cool “I mean- I mean sure.”

Hesitantly, Wednesday inches her way towards “Just gonna…”

She reaches forward with shaky arms, wrapping  them around Enid’s waist and pulling her in close. It’s a little off, but it was more or less the same position Enid held her moments ago.

Wednesday wasn’t used to being the big spoon and it shows.

“Are you sur-?”

“Yeah. Just- just don’t patronize me, okay ?” Wednesday says, still a little flushed as she flickers her eyes at the open window.

Going through the motions, Wednesday begins rocking side by side. It’s awkward, stilted and clearly out of her comfort zone, but Enid’s relaxed exhale tells Wednesday she’s doing something right. 

Already, Wednesday was humming a tune, and she didn’t even realize it until she realized she had to put words to it now. She opens her eyes, looking at Enid and that bright encouraging smile. With a friendly pat on the head, Enid silently tells her to go for it.

Licking her lips, and taking a deep, shuddering breath…Wednesday puts lyrics to her tune.

“Sometimes the snow comes down in June/Sometimes the sun goes round the moon,” Wednesday begins “I see the passion in your eyes/Sometimes it’s all a big surprise…”

Enid wants to say something to the effect of “Atta girl”, but doesn’t want to break her stride.

“Cause there was a time when all I did was wish/You'd tell me this was love,” Wednesday continues, her eyes briefly flickering at the window “It's not the way I hoped/Or how I planned/But somehow it's enough…”

[bloodyfeverdreams]

Caring for You [Even When You Don't Want It]

When Izuku and Kacchan are fighting a villain, Kacchan gets hurt. As horrible as that is, Izuku is a little glad he can finally take care of Kacchan the way he's always wanted to.

Getting paired up with Kacchan on disaster assistance was the highlight of his week. He didn’t like that there had been an earthquake near Musutafu, and he hated seeing all the people in peril who needed help, but Aizawa-sensei assigning him and Kacchan together was definitely a silver lining that he could appreciate. Any time he could spend with Kacchan was time well spent. Sure, Kacchan had loudly protested, and only conceded when Aizawa-sensei hadn’t allowed him to switch as he said that they’d been paired up for a reason, but that didn’t matter. He was pretty sure that Kacchan would’ve complained no matter who he was paired up with. He had always been so independent. It was one of the many reasons Izuki loved him. A-as a friend. Yes, definitely as a friend, and not anything else. Totally.

“You better fucking keep up with me, nerd, or I’m gonna leave your ass in the dust.” Kacchan growled as they started to run to their assigned area.

“Don’t worry about me, Kacchan, I’ll stay right by your side.” Izuku said with a bright smile.

Kacchan just glared at him. “There is nothing in this world that could make me worry about you, Deku.”

Izuku’s smile didn’t falter. He’d known Kacchan long enough to know when he was speaking seriously, and when he wasn’t. As serious as Kacchan was, he often spoke in hyperbole, always had ever since they were little.

They spent the first few minutes looking for any injured people in their area, they’d been given orders to clear three blocks of any civilians and/or get anyone injured to medical attention. The sound of smashing glass then caught their attention.

“The hell was that?” Kacchan muttered.

“It wasn’t an aftershock, we’d feel the ground shaking if it was, so it can’t be the result of anything having to do with the earthquake.” Izuku murmured.

“I know what the fuck it isn’t, Deku, we need to find out what it is, you idiot!” Kacchan snapped at him. Izuku didn’t take it personally, he knew Kacchan was really stressed about this. As much as he liked to portray that his only reason for becoming a hero was to be the best, to be even better than All Might, Izuku still knew that deep down Kacchan wanted to save people too. It was a part of who he was, even if it didn’t seem like it all the time.

Izuku’s eyes searched, and landed on a man climbing through a clearly broken window into what appeared to be a jewelry store. “There!”

Without waiting for him or anything else, Kacchan started running straight towards the man.

“Wait, Kacchan, no, we need a plan of attack!” Izuku said, tearing off after him anyways.

“I have a plan. Attack.” Kacchan growled back as he leapt through the broken window.

Izuku felt the familiar rush of power that accompanied activating One-for-All, his body beginning to crackle slightly with green lightning. He followed Kacchan inside the store to see the man he’d seen stuffing the necklaces into his jacket. Clearly, this was a crime of opportunity, and Izuku hated seeing people take advantage of others’ distress.

“Hands up, you dumb bastard!” Kacchan shouted, his hands already sparking off.

The man turned, obviously startled by their presence, as he’d most likely been expecting the heroes to focus on where the damage was rather than the side streets they’d been assigned.

“What the? Who the hell are you brats?”

“Dynamight and Deku, fuckwad!” Kacchan shouted back. Izuku’s heart secretly fluttered just a little as he heard his and Kacchan’s hero names sounding so wonderful together, especially in Kacchan’s gorgeous voice.

“We’re gonna take you down!” Izuku yelled.

“The hell you will!” The man shouted, and he extended his arm towards them.

The man’s quirk was easily revealed as spikes of all lengths started to shoot out of the man’s wrist. Almost seamlessly, they instinctively began to work together, just as they had done during the final exam, proving that they truly were two sides of the same coin. Izuku tried firing his snap wind attacks, trying to catch the man off balance, while Kacchan expertly put him on the defense to keep backing him into the wall. Together they flew, moving as one unit, when Kacchan dodged, Izuku fired his air pressure snaps, and when Izuku dove underneath a display case to shield himself, Kacchan got in close, trying to blow the man up. As much as Kacchan didn’t like working with him, it was easy to see that they did work ridiculously well together. While Izuku never lost focus on the man in front of him, he couldn’t help but stare a little at Kacchan as he moved in tandem with Izuku. Kacchan was a warrior, yet also a dancer who moved with beauty and grace, and Izuku loved being here to watch him move so expertly.

Suddenly, the world seemed to slow down as Kacchan jumped into the air, his arm outstretched, his hand ready to pull the pin out of his grenade. As he saw Kacchan move, Izuku saw a small spike protruding from the underside of Kacchan’s right gauntlet that Kacchan couldn’t see. Immediately, he started to reach for Kacchan, to scream at him to stop. But before Izuku could even get his voice to work, Kacchan had already pulled the pin.

BOOM!

A blast of hot air hit him in the chest and threw him off his feet. He flew through the air for a moment before he crashed into something hard behind him, his vision going spotty as he slid down to the ground. He wanted to get up, he wanted to run to Kacchan, but instead his eyes just closed and he passed out.

His ears rang painfully as Izuku managed to open his eyes. He groaned lightly without being able to hear it as his blurred vision tried to justify itself. Izuku wasn’t sure how long it took before his mind finally got the cobwebs out and he came back to himself. Everything about him hurt, and he could feel what must have been over a dozen bruises all over his body, but he’d had worse, so he forced himself up. He leaned against the wall to steady himself and looked around, seeing debris all around him. The jewelry store… the building must have come down around them from the force of the explosion from Kacchan’s gauntlet misfiring.

Oh god, Kacchan! Forcing himself forward despite the pain, Izuku stumbled to where he’d last seen Kacchan.

“Kacchan!” Izuku coughed as he shouted for his friend, dust trying to get down his throat as he walked. “Kacchan, where are you?”

Silence.

Izuku’s heart twisted in fear when Kacchan didn’t answer. What if something had happened when Izuku was unconscious? What if Kacchan had gotten kidnapped again? What if he’d gotten killed? God, Izuku couldn’t fathom it. Kacchan was just as much a part of him as his left arm was. He couldn’t lose Kacchan, he just couldn’t.

“Kacchan! Come on, answer me!” Izuku shouted, trying to search through the debris for any sign of his friend.

His blood ran cold when he saw lots of dots of red splattered over the floor. Izuku’s mind raced as he followed the red trail, his stomach twisting with dread as horrible images of Kacchan’s broken body flashed through his head. No, please, no, god, there was so much blood…

Izuku gasped as he came upon a pair of black boots lying still on the ground, and he immediately lurched forward, moving the body they were attached to to see who it was. A few tears ran down his cheeks as he realized that these belonged to the man who had been robbing the store. He ripped his glove off and felt at the man’s throat. He sighed heavily as he didn’t feel a pulse, and he saw some of the man’s own spikes embedded in his flesh. The force of the explosion must have sent the spikes back into him. It was a tragedy, and Izuku wished it hadn’t turned out like this, but his mind quickly drifted back to Kacchan. He needed to find his friend, he couldn’t waste any time. The potential for Kacchan to be injured was just too high.

He searched through the wreckage as carefully as he could, trying to determine any load bearing debris as he worked, using his quirk to help him dislodge what rubble he could. “Kacchan, come on, please answer me! Please! Anything! Just let me know you’re alive!”

His only answer was an eerie silence that terrified him. Kacchan never went that long without making noise.

Izuku’s heart pounded with fear in his chest, a vice twisting around his chest in the same way he’d felt that night at the training camp. “Please, Kacchan, please say something, don’t be gone, please let me find you, please!”

When he finally saw a glimpse of a green glove, he shrieked “Kacchan!”, and Izuku felt his instincts scream at him to get to Kacchan. His hands started shaking as he removed the rubble that was caging Kacchan in, and finally, after lifting a chunk of debris that must have been almost as big as Izuku himself, he finally saw the crumpled form of his dear friend. “Oh god, no, Kacchan!”

Kacchan lay upon a giant piece of rubble, slightly curled on his right side, lying in a pool of blood. Izuku immediately reached for Kacchan’s throat, and a shuddered sigh passed his lips as he felt a weak but steady pulse beating against his fingers. Izuku forced himself to calm down so he could properly triage Kacchan. Right now, his friend needed calm, and he needed support, and right now, Izuku was the only one who could give him that. Focus, Izuku, focus.

Izuku’s eyes were immediately drawn to Kacchan’s right arm, his silky skin embedded with horrible shrapnel. His right arm was soaked in blood, and took top priority. A quick glance showed that this was the most serious of the many wounds on Kacchan’s body, so he just slipped his hands underneath Kacchan’s chest and knees. He’d carry Kacchan to safety if it killed him.

A soft moan followed, and he realized that the movement must have woken Kacchan.

“Wha… de-deku?”

“Shh, you’re alright.” Izuku whispered, taking a moment to softly stroke Kacchan’s golden hair. Kacchan usually never let him get close enough to touch him, and he knew that Kacchan liked it even if he wouldn’t admit it. He’d seen Kirishima do it last week when Kacchan had a headache, and he’d seen that small smile on Kacchan’s face, even if he probably wasn’t meant to. Sure, Kacchan probably didn’t know that Izuku had been watching him, but he’d seen that Kacchan was clearly in pain, so he just wanted to check on his friend. It was nothing more, really. “Don’t move, Kacchan, I’ve got you.”

“What… happened?” Kacchan groaned, coughing a little. Probably from the dust, just as Izuku had.

“Your gauntlet misfired.” Izuku said simply. “You got hurt.”

Kacchan just made a pained noise in response.

“Shh, Kacchan, it’s alright, I’m going to take care of you.” Izuku said. He’d always wanted to do this, to be able to be close enough to take care of Kacchan, but he’d never been allowed before. “I’m going to get you to safety.”

Kacchan weakly shoved at him with his left arm. “I don’t need you, Deku.” Kacchan then tried to move and push himself up, but he didn’t even get off the ground before he shrieked in pain and collapsed again.

Izuku didn’t say anything for a moment. Kacchan glared at him. He tried again, trying to get up himself, but Kacchan just collapsed with another agonizing shout. It hurt Izuku’s heart to hear Kacchan’s beautiful voice exude such agony, but he knew his Kacchan. He had to try it himself before he let anyone even think about helping. As much as Izuku loved how independent Kacchan could be, sometimes, it was really frustrating to watch as Kacchan put himself through agony to prove a point Izuku already knew.

This time, Kacchan stayed down, panting heavily. Izuku knew that Kacchan would never verbally ask for help, especially not from him, but he knew that Kacchan not trying to stand again was his way of saying that he needed Izuku’s help. Izuku knew him better than anyone, he understood what Kacchan’s nonverbal behaviors meant, even if Kacchan himself didn’t know. Honestly, though, Kacchan had no choice but to accept Izuku’s help. He couldn’t even stand on his own. Izuku’d always wanted Kacchan to want him, to want him around, to want Izuku to take care of him, and he secretly hoped that maybe this would finally show to Kacchan that Izuku was the person who he would want when he was in trouble, when he needed someone to help him.

Gently, Izuku reached out and again stroked Kacchan’s satiny golden hair in an effort to be soothing. Kacchan swatted his hand away, but he could sense Kacchan’s strength waning. “Don’t… don’t touch me… Deku.”

“Kacchan, you’re badly hurt, and right now, I’m all you’ve got.” Izuku said, getting a little frustrated that Kacchan was acting like this even when he was so hurt. “I’m going to take care of you whether you like it or not.”

Kacchan just glared at him, but he could see the pain Kacchan was trying to keep hidden. Kacchan was so silly sometimes, trying to hide something that Izuku could so clearly see. But he knew that Kacchan had a really hard time being vulnerable, especially in front of Izuku, so he didn’t call Kacchan out on it. After all, it would just lead to another argument.

“I know you don’t like being touched, Kacchan, but you’re really hurt, and I need to do this.” Izuku said softly but firmly, and he resumed his position of grabbing Kacchan under his knees and chest. He started to lift, but he froze when Kacchan shrieked loudly in his ear.

“Wha- Kacchan, what’s wrong?” Izuku asked frantically. Kacchan would never scream like that unless he couldn’t hold it back.

“Right… side.” Kacchan gasped quietly, pain evident in every syllable. “Something… shifted.”

Izuku immediately set Kacchan back down, and rolled Kacchan over a bit, making Kacchan make a soft whimpering sound in the back of his throat. Izuku gasped as he saw what Kacchan must have felt. It had been hidden by Kacchan’s first position, but there was a metal rod sticking into Kacchan’s body, right above his hip. That must have been why there was so much pooled blood. Ohh, not good, not good. He set Kacchan back down, causing another gasp of pain.

“Kacchan, you’ve- there’s a steel rod, it’s stabbed into you.” Izuku explained, trying to keep panic out of his voice. Kacchan met his eyes, and he saw a fear in Kacchan’s beautiful crimson eyes that he hadn’t seen in a long time. They both knew that if the rod was displaced before they reached medical assistance that Kacchan would bleed out. And Izuku wasn’t willing to risk trying to break the rod, because the probability of making the wound worse was too high. Which meant that Izuku couldn’t carry Kacchan to safety without the potential of killing him.

Oh, god.

Okay, focus, Izuku, Kacchan’s terrified and he needs you. You’re the only one who can help him right now. Just like a dark part of him secretly wanted, though he always pushed that part of him down as far as it could go.

“Okay, I need to stop the bleeding on your arm.” Izuku thought out loud, so he could let Kacchan know what he was about to do so he could prepare himself. He could hear the subtle hitches in Kacchan’s breathing, they both knew this was gonna be painful. Be strong, Izuku. For Kacchan.

“I-I’ll be right back, Kacchan.” Izuku stuttered a little, hating to leave his precious Kacchan like this, scared and in pain, but he had to do this to save his best friend. “I’m going to see if this place has a first aid kit. Just-just call me if you need me.”

Izuku felt like he was tearing his heart in half, having to leave Kacchan alone for even a second while he was hurting and scared, but he forced himself to stand up anyways. His head swam a little as he did, his own injuries screaming at him for attention, but he’d had worse so he forced himself to ignore it. His own set of bruises was nothing in comparison, his poor Kacchan was in agony and as long as Kacchan hurt, Izuku’s pain didn’t matter.

Thankfully, whoever had run this place was thinking logically, and when Izuku finally found the remnants of a register, he also found a small first aid kit tucked away along with some tape. Knowing this would be the best he got, he immediately returned to his Kacchan. He flipped open the kit, and examined its contents, looking for very specific equipment. His heart calmed a little when he found tweezers and a small spray bottle of isopropyl alcohol, the two things he needed most right now. Okay, he could do this. Kachhan would be okay. Kacchan would be okay.

First things first, Izuku found a couple of ibuprofen tablets, and popped them out of their blister packs. Before he could put these to Kachhan’s mouth, Kacchan’s left hand snatched them away from him, and he dry swallowed the pills. It wouldn’t be nearly enough to stop the pain he was in, but Izuku hoped it would help. After all, the only real reason Kacchan would’ve done that was because he was in so much pain he couldn’t wait for Izuku’s gentleness.

“Kacchan, I have to clean the blood off, pull the fragments out, and then disinfect the wounds.” Izuku said, his voice shaking a little. Kacchan glared up at him, and yet Izuku, knowing Kacchan as well as he did, could still see the fear hidden in those beautiful crimson eyes.

“Fuck, just- fucking do it already.” Kacchan muttered, pain so horribly evident in Kacchan’s gorgeous voice. “I can take it.”

That Izuku knew. After everything they’d gone through, Izuku knew just how far Kacchan could push himself. But knowing that didn’t make it any easier. He took the paper first aid guide and held it up to Kacchan’s mouth. “Here, bite down on this.”

At first it looked like Kacchan wasn’t going to, but after a moment of hesitation, Kacchan slowly moved to bite down on the booklet. It wasn’t nearly enough, but it was the best they had. Izuku then maneuvered himself carefully to be slightly above, slightly next to Kacchan without him needing to move so Izuku could get at Kacchan’s whole arm. Even though Kacchan made a noise of protest, Izuku gently picked up Kacchan’s arm and placed it in his lap. Izuku knew the protest was just the pain, so he didn’t pay it any heed.

Izuku then pulled off his gloves, setting them aside. The kit didn’t have any rubber gloves to replace them, but his somewhat clean hands were better than his dirty gloves touching Kacchan’s silky, torn skin. All that was in the kit that Izuku could use was those little alcohol pads so he just tore one open. He carefully brought them to Kacchan’s shoulder, and took a deep breath.

Slowly, meticulously, Izuku then swiped the little pad down Kacchan’s bicep. It didn’t do much since it was so small, but he did his best. It was mere minutes before the pad was soaked with Kacchan’s blood, so he just tossed it aside and got another. As Izuku worked, Kacchan made little noises of pain when the pad hit an open wound, tiny lacerations that were hidden by the blood so thoroughly plastered to his skin, but Izuku kept going. He had to.

“It’s gonna be alright Kacchan, shh, I know it hurts, but you’re doing so well, I’ve got you.”

It felt like hours were passing as Izuku swiped at the blood on Kacchan’s arms, the little pads easily getting overwhelmed by the amount of blood. His heart was thundering in his chest as he saw every new cut, how deep some of the fragments were embedded into Kacchan’s touchable skin. He wished he could touch Kacchan like this when he wasn’t grievously wounded. As he wiped off the blood, he counted the lacerations as he found them, cataloging where it was and approximately how long it was. He didn’t think he’d ever been so grateful for his ability to pay so intense attention to detail.

After five eternities, Izuku finally finished with Kacchan’s arm as clean as he could get it. There were still spots of dried blood, but he didn’t try getting them. He didn’t want the attempt to aggravate Kacchan’s existing cuts and add to his obvious agony.

Now for the hard part.

Izuku’s hands were shaking as he picked up the tweezers after using the last of the alcohol pads to do his best to sterilize his hands. He met Kacchan’s eyes, as if nonverbally preparing him for what was to come. Kacchan’s eyes were filled with a resignation he’d never seen before, one that made Izuku almost feel the agony Kacchan was feeling inside, and then, Kacchan nodded. Izuku took another deep breath, and nodded back, understanding.

As Izuku moved determinedly, the shakiness in his hands slowed to a stop. He couldn’t afford to have shaky hands right now. Again, he started at Kacchan’s shoulder, working his way down to his forearm. Izuku’s heart and stomach lurched as he pulled the tiny pieces of shrapnel from Kacchan’s perfect body. Kacchan couldn’t stop himself from crying out whenever Izuku found one that was resistant to his gentle pulls, and gasping when the pieces finally slid out. Izuku had to look away from Kacchan’s face, unable to take the tears streaming down his cheeks. Kacchan was hurting so bad, and while he knew this was for Kacchan’s own good, that Kacchan had given him permission, that didn’t make him feel any less terrible about the pain he was causing his poor, poor Kacchan.

“You’re doing great, Kacchan, you’re doing great.” Izuku murmured, almost unaware of the words he was saying as he was so focused on his task. “Just a few more, just a few more, you’re doing great, Kacchan, almost there, almost there.”

Izuku’s movements became repetitive, tweezing the next piece of shrapnel, pulling it out as gently as he could, putting the very end of the tweezers into his mouth, then grabbing a piece of gauze from the kit and covering the wound with it, and finally, using the tape he found to keep the gauze secured to Kacchan’s wounds. A small pile of shrapnel was forming beside them as Izuku carefully extracted the twisted metal. But as hard as he tried to keep himself focused on his only job, taking care of Kacchan, his ears couldn’t help but be tormented by Kacchan’s moans and whimpers of pain as Izuku worked. Izuku’s heart was tearing itself into pieces knowing he was the cause of Kacchan’s pain, regardless of circumstances. He just knew that Kacchan was hurting, Kacchan was scared, and that meant Izuku was hurting too.

Finally, the fourteen Izuku had originally counted was down to one, and Izuku pulled it out with a tug, tug, tug. Kacchan’s voice cracked on the last tug as the shrapnel finally came loose, and he quickly taped down the last piece of gauze.

“There we go, okay, Kacchan, that was the last one, you’re done, you’re so brave Kacchan, you’re done, you were amazing.” Izuku murmured, brushing his hand through Kacchan’s hair again. “I’ve got some bandages in my pocket, I’ll wrap your arm and then I’ll go for help okay?”

It took three heartbeats for Kacchan to nod weakly, his eyes only half open. His level of compliance terrified Izuku.

“We’re almost done, Kacchan, you just gotta stay with me, okay?” Izuku said, pulling the bandages out of his pocket. “You gotta stay awake. Just a few more minutes. Stay awake, Kacchan, come on, stay awake.”

Kacchan’s eyelids fluttered precariously.

Izuku gulped nervously. He grabbed Kacchan’s arm, and even though he’d tried to be gentle, the movement itself must have been too much for Kacchan’s loose grip on consciousness, and he watched in horror as Kacchan’s eyes closed and didn’t open again. Izuku’s fingers immediately went back to Kacchan’s throat, but when he found a weak but steady pulse that was going too fast for his liking, he took another deep breath, trying to calm down. Kacchan must have just passed out from the pain, which wasn’t ideal but it also wasn’t fatal, so he took what he got. As much as he wanted Kacchan to be giving him attention, any kind of attention, he didn’t bother trying to wake Kacchan up, thinking it would waste valuable time. The medics could do that when they were helping him once they got here.

Izuku’s fingers nimbly began to wrap Kacchan’s arm as quickly as he could without losing the efficacy. He just had to do this so the gauze would stay in place, just in case blood weakened the tape with its moisture, and then he could go run for help. Swathes of white soon covered Kacchan’s arm, Izuku making sure that the bandages were tight but not too tight, covering the gauze properly so it wouldn’t be disturbed. Class 1-A had been given basic first aid training after Aizawa-sensei had recovered from the USJ, so he just pulled up the instructions in his head and followed them. Thankfully, had just enough bandages to cover the important parts, his knot stopping just shy of Kacchan’s wrist. He put another couple pieces of tape over the bandages and then stood up.

“I’m going to go get help, Kacchan.” Izuku said, knowing that Kacchan couldn’t hear him, but he couldn’t just leave without saying goodbye. He walked out of the jewelry store, checking to see if there was anyone else. The street was just as empty as it had been before, and he went to step forward, wanting to do what he’d always wanted to do and help Kacchan.

But something stopped him. He took one more look at Kacchan, who was still lying unconscious on the ground. The dark part of his heart whispered in his head, whispered that there had been something else he’d always wanted to do… and right now he had a chance to do it. He doubted he’d ever get a chance again, at least not for years. So even though his logical mind told him to stop, his heart had him going back to Kacchan.

Izuku knelt in front of Kacchan, looking for any sign of consciousness. When there wasn’t any, calloused fingers cupped Kacchan’s cheek, brushing his thumb over Kacchan’s satin skin. Kacchan was so beautiful, even when injured. Izuku could touch Kacchan every day for the rest of their lives and he’d never get tired of it. He longed for a day when Kacchan realized that his show of independence wouldn’t be necessary for him, that Izuku understood him in a way that no one else ever could. That Izuku loved him more than his own life, that Kacchan’s happiness mattered so much to Izuku that he’d sacrifice anything just to see Kacchan smile. In the deepest, darkest part of his heart, Izuku knew that Kacchan would be with him eventually. Izuku just had to keep trying, he just had to keep getting Kacchan’s attention any way he knew how.

Izuku’s free hand brushed through Kacchan’s golden hair again, savoring the feeling as he knew he wouldn’t get the chance for a while. When sunlight streamed through the windows in the dorms, Izuku could just stare at how Kacchan’s hair glowed in the light for hours as Kacchan sleepily made himself breakfast. It was his favorite part of the mornings, why he always tried to secretly align his schedule with Kacchan’s, so he could see it every chance he could.

But Izuku’s favorite thing to stare at was Kacchan’s lips. Secretly, whenever he was alone and no one could ever catch him, he’d imagine what it felt like to be kissed by those plump, full lips. Izuku could daydream for hours just imagining Kacchan’s lips pressed against his, his hands roving over Izuku’s body, their bodies pressed so closely together. And every time he’d tell himself that he just had to be patient, that he’d convince Kacchan how good they’d be together, that he was so sure that Kacchan actually really cared about him rather than the angry mask he put on. He just had to give Kacchan time. But right now, with Kacchan unconscious and left completely alone with him, Izuku didn’t have to be patient.

There was a spark of electricity within him as soon as Izuku pressed his lips against Kacchan’s, his heart singing with the thrill of being able to kiss Kacchan. Sure, he’d prefer that Kacchan was awake and willing, but this was more than enough for now. Izuku deepened the kiss against Kacchan’s slack lips, being selfish for once in his life. Kacchan’s lips were so much better than he’d imagined, soft and luscious and addictive. Izuku could happily spend a week just like this, kissing Kacchan’s perfect lips, even giving up food and water as much as he could just to spend more time with Kacchan loving him the way that Izuku knew he would, that he did.

Izuku pulled back immediately when Kacchan stirred, making a soft moan. Izuku scanned his face for any sign of waking, but Kacchan went still after that. Even though he was unconscious, Kacchan must have felt the same spark of electricity at their kiss that Izuku did.

“I love you too, Kacchan.” Izuku breathlessly whispered. “I’m going to save you.”

With his lips still tingling, Izuku stood up again, and took off to find the first paramedic he could. He was lightheaded and a little dizzy, but he was sure it had nothing to do with his own injuries (mostly), just feeling such an intense high of having fulfilled a lifelong dream of actually kissing Kacchan. And just as he promised he would, he would save Kacchan, no matter what. He’d save him from whatever threat ever came their way, no matter how vast or how cruel.

Nothing would ever keep him from Kacchan’s side again, not even Kacchan himself.

[saragarnier]

Love&Work

summary: y/n is a police officer that had a situationship with Jay Halstead, but after him there's another one and he discovered it in the worst way possible.

pairing: jay halstead x reader

warning: i don't know actually, maybe some angst(?) and swearing? mention of sec, just mention.

i don't really like this but i spent so much time on it, that's why i want to share it with you. tell me what you think guys and if you like it i can write a part 2, maybe.

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Being a female cop was not easy at all, and you knew that even before entering the police academy; you knew that you would have to demonstrate your value, to demonstrate that you deserved that badge, you deserved to be a cop. It was clear to you since the first moment you decided to be a police officer and you tried to show your value since the first day into the academy.

When you were assigned at the 17th district, you were happy to start your career as a police officer and you just wanted to do your job in the right way, but it wasn’t like you expected. Since the first day you felt judge by everyone in the district, expect for the other female police officers, even if there were few of them. Your partner wasn’t happy about having you by his side, but he accepted that, and he just tried to keep as much distance as he could between him and you, like you were an alien or something to avoid.

Besides that, the first two year in that district went very well; you did your job well and you saved lives, even your partner’s live when he got shot during one shift. Even if you saved him, covering him and applying pressure on his chest, he never really thanked you for what you did; you weren’t angry at all, you knew how it worked and you knew that it was too early to be considered a good agent on the field, especially since you were one of the few women in a men’s world, because that’s what police was considered: a job only for men.

Someone maybe thought that it wasn’t true, there would have been at least someone who thought that women in police was an amazing thing, but surely it wasn’t like that in the 17th.

The only thing you could have done to making thing worse would have been sleeping with someone that worked in the same district as you. You tried to avoid that, you really tried to keep things separated between your private life and your job, but you lost. One night, you met one of the detectives that worked in the 17th district, and you took a beer with him, thinking that there wasn’t nothing bad about it; after some beers, anyway, he kissed you and everything changed.

The next day, everyone knew about it inside the district, and everyone thought that were trying to get a promotion sleeping with one of the detectives. You were fucked.

Asking for a transfer was the only choice for you and that’s how you met him, Jay Halstead. He was just a man sitting in a bar when you first met him, you didn’t know he was a detective and he didn’t know that you were a police officer; you were just two people in a bar, having a drink together. That night you slept at his home and the next morning you were gone, thinking that you wouldn’t have met him again.

Obviously, you were wrong. God, you were definitely wrong.

When you discovered, on your first day at the 21st, that he was a detective in your new district, you both tried to keep that a secret and you also tried to pretend that nothing happened between you two, but you just couldn’t deny the attraction that there was between you and him. And after few weeks you both lost.

 You tried to keep it a secret as long as you kept sleeping together, and, when you ended it weeks after, you were relieved to discovered that he protected you without telling anybody what happened between you two. You were grateful for that because you wouldn’t have been able to deal with it another time.

Even if you were still working hard to become one of sergeant Voight’s detectives, you couldn’t deny that some kind of attraction formed between you and your partner, Sean Roman, after some months. Maybe it was because he was always so kind with you, maybe because you spent so much time together, maybe because you went through difficult moments together, but you ended up dating each other in secret. You weren’t sure if you started dating him trying to forget Jay, since you were pretty sure to have fallen in love with the detective, but you just tried to enjoy that moment, you tried to live it without making to yourself too many questions. You were confused about your feelings, you really were, and you needed time alone to think about it, especially since you started dating Roman right after you heard that Jay dated one of his CI.

It then something happened when you didn’t expect it.

You and Roman were just kissing each other on a night shift, taking just few minutes for yourselves, when it happened. It was a calm night, nothing happened ‘till that moment and you didn’t think that things could have gone worse in less than a minute. You were too much focused in kissing him that you didn’t hear the footsteps, nor you saw him approaching the car were you and Roman were into. The first things you heard were the gunshots fired against you; you didn’t catch a single bullet but Roman did, he caught every single shot and you screamed.

“Sean!”

You got out of the car, seeing a man running away in the dark of the night, picked up your gun and followed him at once, asking for backup and for an ambulance at the radio. You really hoped that Sean was okay, you really hoped that he was still alive and that he would have survived; he took at least three bullet and that all because you both were too focused on kissing than in everything else. You shout at the offender to stop, but he didn’t and, knowing that he had a gun, you just shot him, hitting him in his back; he fell on the ground, you handcuffed him immediately, bringing him with you to your car. You needed to be sure that Sean was still alive.

That night was like hell for you: Sean got a surgery and, fortunately, he survived, the offender was brought to the hospital as well but no-one found the gun on him and that’s why you were there, one month later, sitting in a court to testimony your version against the man who almost killed your partner. Everyone from the district was there with you, trying to give you, their support. There was Platt, Voight, Upton, Burgess, Ruzek, Atwater, few of the other patrol officers and even Jay, in all his beauty.

When the defence lawyer got up to ask you some question, you didn’t expect this.

“So, miss y/l/n, I heard that you usually date your colleagues, isn’t it?”

You at once got tense on your chair, looking at Jay and Sean, nervous. Sean knew everything about your “relationship” with Jay, but no-one else did so you should have been relaxed about that. Maybe he was just talking about the thing you had with the detective from your previous district, after all.

But it was not like that, not at all.

Before your lawyer could have even protested, the defence talked to the judge, explaining to him why he did that question.

“Before I got interrupt, I just want to understand if anything happened in that car that could have bring the test to us violence against an innocence without even considering that he wasn’t the offender. I’m pretty sure that the jury would want to see what I found. She had her reasons to react badly, without thinking and I just wanted to expose that.”

You froze, gulping; you really hoped that the judge would have refused, but he let him continue.

“Miss y/l/n, did you have a relationship with one of the detectives back at your previous district?”

 “It wasn’t a relationship.” You responded, tense.

“What was it, so?”

“I slept with one of the detectives, yes. It was just for one night and I was drunk.”

The layer chuckled, like he had you in his fist, under his control, and maybe he really did.

“But it wasn’t the last colleagues that you dated, right?”

Before you could have answered, your lawyer protested again, but he was stop by the judge for the second time in a row; you were fucked, you wouldn’t have been able to avoid that, you couldn’t lie  under oath, you had to tell the truth.

But how did he know?

“No, it wasn’t the last.” You answered, quietly. You looked at him, trying to avoid Jay’s gaze, trying to be relaxed, trying to be strong; you didn’t want to give up, you would have fought again and again if it was necessary. You had to tell the truth and you really didn’t want to, but since you had no choice, you wanted to do it with your dignity.

“Who was the next? And remember that you’re testifying under oath.”

You looked at him in the eyes, biting your bottom lip.

“It was Detective Halstead.” You answered. “But I met him the night before my new job at the 21st so-.”

Before you could have even finished the sentence, he stopped you, smiling widely; you felt Jay’s and every other’s gaze on you, and you felt embarrassed for the first time after you entered the police. Why was he asking you that? Why was he trying to make you lose your job? Why were your love stories important to the case? That man almost killed your partner, and he was torturing you now.

“You just have to answer my question, miss y/l/n. Now, was Detective Halstead the last police officer that you dated so far?”

And that was it.

You finally understood why he was asking you so many questions about your private life; he was trying to make the jury thinks that you shot that guy without thinking at it lucidly just because you were dating Sean. He was trying to blame you, to make everyone think that you confounded him and that because you were shocked not only because Sean was your partner but also because you were in love with him.

Were you, though?

“No.” you answered, feeling Jay’s gaze still on you; you didn’t have the courage to look at him or to look at the others, especially not to sergeant Voight, knowing that you probably have just lost the opportunity to enter the team since you slept with Jay. You lost your career, you lost your dignity, since your private and sec life was put on public, and you were now accused of being a bad police officer.

Beautiful day, wasn’t it?

“Evidence number seventeen, I just got it this morning and I couldn’t inform the accuse before the process. Now …” he got near you and handed you one pic, the same that he just gave to your lawyer and to the jury. “Was that you kissing your partner Sean Roman the night of the attack?”

You gulped, then you looked up and finally you ended up meeting his gaze, Jay’s gaze. He looked hurt and furious at the same time, even if you knew that he had no right to be; you stopped sleeping together almost two months before and he even had a thing with one of his CI, which was illegal, so he had no right to look at you that way. You were the one that would have lost his job, not him, not Roman, you. You were the one that would have been called bitch and slut just because you ended up in the same bed with some of your colleagues and you were affronting that trial, exposing yourself like you hadn’t done before.

“Yes, that was me.” You answered, trying to sound as much calm as you could.

“Now tell me. Were you shooting at my client because you really thought that he was the offender, even if he hadn’t a gun with himself, or were you just trying to revenge your boyfriend without thinking at all? Were you just trying to get revenge? Were you sure about the gun that you think he had? Were you lucid enough to arrest the same man that you thought shot your boyfriend? Was the woman that pulled that trigger the police officer or just a girlfriend trying to protect his partner?”

“Your Honor! That were not questions, he was trying to induce the jury to think his way!” Protested your Lawyer before you could have responded.

The judge, this time, agreed with the accuse and tried to induce the jury to not consider his last questions when it would have come to a verdict. Anyways, you ended up leaving the court knowing that everything you’d done in the past to prove how much you deserved to become a detective, simply wasn’t nothing anymore. You would have been remembered as the female cop that ended up in the same bed with three colleagues, not as the police officer that saved a child, not as the police officer that almost risked her life to save his partner and Jay, not as the police officer that got undercover with the Intelligence to help them with a serial killer.

Your image was fucked.

You were nothing now.

You lost everything.

You lost your dignity.

And even after that, all you could think about was Jay’s expression after he heard about you and Sean; that was when you finally discovered that you really fell in love with him: when you worried about him while your career, dignity and future were crumbling all around you. All you need to be happy again was just one of his hugs. That was what you needed.

Him.

[mischiefmaker615]

Ghost (Loki Love Story) Ch.15

Arrival at the tower went better than expected.. considering the circumstances. Most members were out on long term assignments, so it only left Bruce, Tony and Steve, and Natasha. They greeted you with cheer, as did you to see your old comrades again- before you had left to pay attention more to New Asgard. Tony was already at the bar when you all arrived, Steve sticking close to your side as if you had your own personal body guard.

Loki, however wasn’t exactly greeted with the same happiness as Bruce and Natasha stiffened, as if he had done something wrong. Which.. New York yes, but that was years ago. Upon coming back to life, you think you’d have a do over right?- assuming he won’t try taking over again. They made it seem like he would and gave him a nod with their eyes practically studying him.

‘’well lets not all stiffen up, Loki’s been a huge help when I had an injured arm, I’m sure he’ll be plenty of help around here’’ you tried lightening the mood with a smile, Natasha looking back at you with narrowed eyes.

‘’I suppose due to the circumstances.. two spare rooms won’t be needed?’’ it wasn’t much of a question but Nat almost seemed to hide disgust at the thought of you and him sharing a bed.

‘’it would be physically impossible right now, I appreciate you all helping to prepare. We’ll get settled and I’ll show him around..’’ you declare, wanting to get out of the thick vibe growing in the room as Bruce avoided eye contact with Loki, as if making little eye contact would piss him off to Hulk-out.

With that, you took Loki’s hand and pulled him along to prevent just that. ‘’we’ll be around, thank you-‘’

Loki followed you towards the hall, sending Steve a smirk over his shoulder before he turned his attention back to you as you led him by the hand. ‘’with your quick wish to leave the room and to the spares, one would assume you are eager to-‘’

‘’they can assume all they want, you’ll just have to ignore them while they adjust to your presence.’’ You said dryly, keeping your eyes forward as you clutched still at his hand. ‘’they didn’t have to be so cold towards you-‘’

‘’a not so surprising reaction from them darling, the only presence I care about being around, is yours. I suppose this curse of ours could be seen as a blessing’’ he winked and your cheeks reddened as you stopped at the elevator and pressed the button.

‘’..don’t you.. care about independence?’’ you asked without really thinking much into it while your mouth beat your brain. ‘’you aren’t bothered by being stuck like this? Surely you’d want some privacy-‘’

‘’I’m stuck with the utmost glorious woman I have laid eyes on, which speaks volumes because I have literally been in the presence of goddesses.’’ He lightly teased, a hand at the small of your back at he led you first into the elevator before he joined your side. ‘’I have high feelings for you Y/N,.. I’m not saying we need to rush into anything because we’ve kisses but.. even if we weren’t stuck together, I most likely would have been finding myself at your side the entire time anyway..’’ he confessed and you hesitantly clicked the button for your floor.

Cheeks red, you glance over at him while you rubbed your arm shyly. ‘’your very poetic when you speak’’

Loki gave a hard laugh as the elevator began rising, taking hold of your hand in his as he brought your knuckled up to his lips with a grin. ‘’and I also enjoy doting on you darling. Request it and I shall do my utmost ability to get it done if it is to please you. I’ve spent to much of my life feeling alone..’’ his smile faded ever so slightly at the sudden confession, moving his eyes forward now once the elevator stopped. ‘’..i do not wish the chance to feel that again.’’

Your eyes traveled down, knowing you would never abandon him, but having the pressure of possibly having him fall back into his upbringing trauma was difficult to think on. You stayed silent the rest of the way, leading him down a few halls before you stopped at a door.

‘’..this was always mine when I occasionally stayed here, it should be spacious enough’’

‘’I think I prefer less spacious.’’ Loki smirked and you lightly shook your head with an eye roll while you opened the door.

The sight had you stop in your tracks, a light gasp leaving your lips as you took in the room. It was almost exactly the way you left it! It wasn’t terribly long since you’ve been here, but you knew there should be a good amount of dust on the surface. Running a finger across the desk, there was none. Your weapons were still mounted on the wall, your sheets and blankets seemed to have been washed and a few trinkets here and there, amongst your books were organized and accounted for.

‘’I kept everything the same encase you returned..’’

The voice behind you both got you turning, Loki making eye contact before he rolled them with a distasteful groan. ‘’can we not have a moments piece Rogers?”

‘’I gotta make sure the settling in part is.. settled.’’ Steve says dryly, his tone dramatically changing when he looks over at you. ‘’I’ve only added a few other essentials, though I know you brought some from home. Apparently, Tony is throwing a party tonight to celebrate your arrival.’’

‘’he throws parties practically every night.’’ You sigh.

‘’I know, but he says he’ll be keeping it small, pretty much just all of us.’’ Steve shrugged, keeping himself leaning on the doorframe with his arms crossed.

‘’yes yes we’ll be there, is that all?’’ Loki waves off as his body noticeably stiffens by his very presence, taking a hold of your hand while Steve’s eyes flick down to it before back at yours.

‘’we’ll be around if you need anything.’’

‘’of course, thank you and..’’ you waved around the room with a content smile at feeling a bit more at home. ‘’..thank you.’’

‘’your welco-‘’ the door closed on it’s own with a mild slam, making you quickly turn to catch the brief flash of green in Loki’s eyes.

‘’you really need to lighten up.’’ You warn, knowing he had used magic to slam the door.

‘’I will not light up darling.’’ Loki said, awkward at the Midgardian terms as he almost says it with distaste. ‘’he’s only trying to ward you away from me.’’

‘’I’m yours?” you asked carefully, your eyes falling down at the grip on his hand tightens ever so slightly.

‘’we’re soul mates Y/N-‘’

‘’Loki.. I won’t be destiny’s puppet.. we know it but it doesn’t mean we need to follow it just because we got a bit of a.. spoiler alert through magic. We could do whatever we want with this information not everyone gets the chance to get, to rewrite-‘’

‘’I don’t wish to rewrite anything darling, nor is it possible to change it.’’ He cut you off, seeming to remind you how tall he was as he faced you with barely a step apart. ‘’surely I’m sure you have learned from the Midgardian films; what future cannot be changed. If you so much as try to adjust things, most likely doing so it what will make it happen anyway.’’ He said and placed a finger at your chin, a shiver running down your spine as he tilted your head up so you were paying closer attention.

‘’like it or not Y/N, you cant get rid of me.’’

‘’like a cockroach.’’

The voice had both your eyes move to the door as Tony’s voice stayed muffled behind it.

‘’hard to kill, hard to get rid of.’’

‘’is privacy going to be a constant issue around-‘’ Loki fumed as he made for the door but in a huff, ready to practically break it open to probably kill Stark before he was suddenly teleported back, ramming into you as you both stumbled and fell onto the bed, Loki on top while the door opened itself.

‘’usually there’s a lot less dialog when your doing it Reindeer Games’’ Tony noted casually as he leaned against the door frame.

Your cheeks heated up, Loki’s hands on either side of your head while yours spread out above it. His body struggled to hold itself above yours, slight strain barely shaking the mattress as he fought not to lower himself in that instant but what could be felt was his erection, causing his own cheeks to redden upon his realization.

‘’Stark, you have about two seconds to tell me what business you have here before I make a perfectly good reason for you heroes to call SHIELD and get me-‘’ Loki gritted out, pushing himself off the bed- as much as he would have loved to stay and turned to glare at him. his anger mildly defused with a smirk when Tony poorly hid his reaction at seeing how much he was.. packing.

‘’so I lied, I may have invited a bit more people than just us but I figured since you just got here and still may need a few things, Pepper said you could help yourself to her wardrobe.’’ Tony explained quickly, his eyes staying on Y/N as you sat yourself up awkwardly with still a light hue on your cheeks.

‘’thank you-‘’

‘’no need Stark. I have it handled.’’ Loki snapped, raising your curiosity you would note later as Tony smirked.

‘’why? Want the dresses all to yourself?’’

‘’I’m absolutely sure you wouldn’t wish to be thrown from that window a second time-‘’ Loki snapped, a step towards him having you grasp his arm so you both wouldn’t get teleported again.

‘’thank you Tony, we’ll be getting ready and see you out there.’’

‘’cool’’ Tony smiled with a small wave, clearly less annoying with you than with any interactions with Loki as he headed off, leaving the door open as you sighed.

‘’how long will we be stuck here?’’ Loki groaned and laid back on the bed, his arms spread out to his sides as he looked thoroughly annoyed.

‘’just until we figure this thing out.’’ you said gently as you sat beside him.

Upon feeling your presence beside him, he moved a hand to rest on your thigh, his thumb stroking as if you were his own personal stress reliever. ‘’or, we could just stay stuck together and go back to your place like none of this ever happened..’’

You gave him a gentle look, a look of hesitation that seemed to speak for you that you were still unsure of your decision.

Loki sighed and patted your leg, giving you a silent okay fine before he sat up. ‘’alright darling, I suppose we should get ready for this not-so-rare event Stark is hosting. I think I shall have the perfect remedy for your outfit.’’ He smirked, as if the thought alone had lifted his spirts as he stood, taking your hand to pull you up and placed you in the middle of the room.

‘’I have a few things of my own, there’s really no need-‘’

‘’darling, none sense’’ he smiled and began eyeing you up and down while begiving to move around you in circles. ‘’it would up my spirits considering how the beginning of this stay went and I promise to make it stunning.’’ He beamed before his eyes flashed that light, green hue and your skin began to tingle.

Looking down at yourself, you felt your clothes begin to stretch and move, as if he was using that fabric to help with the main ingredient to his magic. With a small flash that had your eyes closed for a moment, you reopened them to find that you were wearing a flood length, skin tight, emerald dress with a gold trim around your waist. The main thing that got your attention was the draft and noticed how much cleavage you were showing, making you hug yourself with your eyes widening.

‘’this is beautiful Loki- but perhaps something less.. fancy?’’ you asked but he knew the fanciness wasn’t your main issue as he tilted his head as if to try to see behind your arms.

‘’darling you look gorgeous-‘’ he encouraged, noticing how he even made it so your back was exposed to not have any discomfort to your wings.

‘’t-thank you but.. perhaps something that matches the occasion..’’ you plead behind your words and he sighed, waving his hand and the process begins all over again as the fabric morphed and revealed you into a more single dress, a black cloth that looked more like a chambermaid would wear at some royal castle.

‘’what’s this?” you raise a brow, it looking plain and simple with a little less cleavage but you covered none the less.

‘’I can’t have gawkers left and right while we attend, it is uncomfortable enough with Roger’s existence here.’’ Loki mumbled, straining his neck to look behind you as your ass and you quickly used your wings to block him.

‘’than what was the first option you formulated??”

Loki’s eyes flicked back to yours and smirked. ‘’that was merely for me.’’

‘’Loki!’’ you almost whined and he placed his hands up in a surrender position. ‘’alright darling, alright. One moment,’’ and with the flick of his wrist, you now wore a black cocktail dress.

It was mid-thigh high, a mild dip but not to much chest tricking out, you noticed your height was different and noticed the gold heels you now wore and a slightly low back just enough for your wings. With a relaxed sigh, you smiled and lowered your arms.

‘’thank you.’’

‘’your welcome darling.’’ He said proudly, his eyes everywhere else but your eyes as you snapped his fingers at him to get his attention before he noticed your growing concern.

‘’you are using your magic to do this.. won’t I be naked if you accidently drop the spell? Let alone exhaust yourself-‘’

‘’darling I assure you, as much of a sight you will be,’’ he smirked before getting serious. ‘’I shall be absolutely fine. There is no effort in such a simple spell so there is nothing to worry about.’’ And with that, he waved a hand over himself and his glow consumed him, revealing himself to be wearing an all-black suit.

Your cheeks reddened as you unknowingly drank him in, a chuckle snapping you out of it as you adverted your eyes and shifted in place. ‘’..you look nice..’’

‘’why thank you darling, I dare say with confidence that we will look like the hottest couple in New York.’’ He said with a grin, having attempted an American accent, not necessarily failing miserably but enough to have you laugh and relax.

‘’stick to your poetic vibes.’’ You tell him with a smile and go over to his side, taking his arm for him to lead you.

‘’very well darling,’’ he grins, his voice almost taking on a purr as he leads you forward.

‘’let us get this over with.’’

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