#that man is fucked up in a psych ward kinda way

[cultpastorkevin]

Dependent Personality Disorder, Kevin Day, & the Edgar Allan Ravens

brought to you by an ex cult pastor w/ crippling mental issues

well let’s just jump right into it ngl (also if I miss anything or forget something give me a pass I have amnesia and a one track mind so I definitely missed stuff)

Okay so the whole Ravens always have a partner, never go anywhere alone, if one fails you both pay, etc. I’ve been thinking about this for weeks and I don’t see it broken down and discussed at length enough, so imma try to do that from a mixed personal experience & psychology perspective

The fact Jean, Neil and Kevin have all stated in books and in the extra content that not having that presence next to them was devastating (much less so for Neil okay he didn’t spend fucking years there); Nora has also talked about how Ravens are basically unable to function if left alone; you can’t send them to the store alone or leave them places or expect them to be capable of completing tasks without their other half; TSC reeks of Jean having to learn how to function without a double and it’s gonna be a trainwreck for Jeremy bc how the fuck can Jean be this old and not feel able to have a room on his own anyways—

What is Dependent Personality Disorder?

The DSM-5 refers to DPD as a pervasive and excessive need to be taken care of, which leads to submissive and clinging behavior and fears of separation. It is characterized by excessive fear and anxiety. DPD begins by early adulthood, is present in a variety of contexts, and is associated with inadequate functioning. Symptoms can include anything from extreme passivity, devastation, or helplessness when relationships end; avoidance of responsibilities; and severe submission.

According to the DSM-5, the disorder is indicated by at least five of the following factors:

has difficulty making everyday decisions without an excessive amount of advice and reassurance from others.

needs others to assume responsibility for most major areas of their life.

has difficulty expressing disagreement with others because of fear of loss of support or approval.

has difficulty initiating projects or doing things on their own (because of a lack of self-confidence in judgment or abilities rather than a lack of motivation or energy).

goes to excessive lengths to obtain nurturance and support from others, to the point of volunteering to do things that are unpleasant.

feels uncomfortable or helpless when alone because of exaggerated fears of being unable to care for themselves.

urgently seeks another relationship as a source of care and support when a close relationship ends.

is unrealistically preoccupied with fears of being left to take care of themselves.

Since I only need 5, and I don’t want to bore everyone to death, I’ll just do 5.

needs others to assume responsibility for most major areas of their life

Kevin spent well, basically his entire life having everything picked out for him by others. Exy was chosen for him. Where he lived, when he slept, what he ate and when was chosen. Riko and Tetsuji dictated his every fucking step up until he left. Kevin didn’t learn anything he wasn’t supposed to learn and therefore automatically expected others to do it for him because that’s what he was taught to do. Kevin’s only skill in life is Exy, which means he doesn’t have any other skills (well he does, he just doesn’t think they’re useful or important). Ravens are taught to be dependent on each other because without each other, they’re not whole or a person; they’re dehumanized until they begin to assign responsibility to someone they think is more equipped for it, is better for it, which is usually an authority figure (in this case, those figures are Riko and Tetsuji). Tetsuji knew exactly what he was doing by creating the psychological mindfuck of an inter-dependent group that is the Ravens. He took a bunch of young adults, gave them a god, and then helped that god beat them into numb dissociation until they couldn’t think for themselves and were even afraid to.

has difficulty expressing disagreement with others because of fear of loss of support or approval

Reminder that DPD is prevalent in people who have been excessively abused and it’s also characterized by extreme anxiety. For people like Kevin and the Ravens, expressing anything other than what Riko and Tetsuji wanted could get them killed; it wasn’t just about being terrified of disapproval or protection, it was because losing anything from the group meant you were gonna get hurt (usually badly). Jean was literally waterboarded for shits and giggles, you think Riko is gonna take someone saying no very well (Neil Josten drove him insane I can tell u that much)? Ravens have a hive mind mentality because a hive mind keeps them alive and safe. Kevin had a hive mind when he was with Riko, and I’d argue he still had the remnants of one when he was with the Foxes. Riko breaking his hand was the only thing that broke him out of it, and even then, it barely did. Kevin only started mouthing off to Riko when Neil (bless his scrungly ass) started shaking Riko’s brain like a maraca. He had someone he could depend on in those situations because, again, Ravens always do things together. Kevin wouldn’t fucking dream of shitting on Riko at Kathy’s show by himself. Kevin spent 10+ years at Evermore with his sanity hanging on the hook of a batshit adoptive brother whose approval or disapproval would dictate if he was allowed to sleep. So yeah, I’d say Kevin had a violent need to always express agreement and do everything Riko wanted whether he liked it or not because the anxiety and terror of not doing so outweighed any sense of self preservation he could have. That ties in w the next one.

goes to excessive lengths to obtain nurturance and support from others, to the point of volunteering to do things that are unpleasant

Riko utilized abuse in a lot of ways; Nora put in her extra content that he had other Ravens rape Jean; imo, those Ravens most likely didn’t fucking want to, but going to excessive lengths to stay within his approval and be safe? Yeah, they were gonna do it. Tetsuji and Riko also make the Ravens never miss practice or any other shit they want them to do, regardless of the state they’re in. Which means you’re going to practice when you’ve been raped the night before; it means you’re going to practice after getting butchered all night by your other half, etc. Anyways; when Kevin works with the Foxes, he repeatedly does the opposite and basically throws a fit if someone steps on court that isn’t in shape to. This begs the eye raiser that he didn’t want those things happening at Evermore, but he did them anyways because his need for approval and the anxiety of not doing so, outweighed the fact he hated doing it. He was so dependent on Riko and staying close that he was pretty willing to toss anyone and everyone under the bus to meet expectations even if they left a nauseating pit in his stomach. Doing unpleasant things for the person you’re attached to is hard, but their praise and approval after the actions erase all previous anxieties, which then fuels a broken cycle of seeking out that approval and continuing to engage in unpleasant actions out of fear of not recieving that pending approval afterwards. It’s hard to explain succinctly the mindfuck DPD causes your thoughts to be like when you have it.

urgently seeks another relationship as a source of care and support when a close relationship ends

Kevin lost Riko. You know what he gets next? Fucking Andrew. I don’t even know if I need to explain this one because Kevin’s dependency on Andrew is so prevalent and excruciatingly obvious throughout the whole series lmao. Kevin ain’t gonna admit it but he relies on Andrew like a starving man relies on garbage (no offense Andrew). Kevin’s duo dependency with Riko was shattered to its core and guess what idiot he latches onto to fill the void? Andrew ofc. I think out of everyone, Andrew is probably the healthiest until Neil comes along (still think it should’ve been a polycule but I digress).

Riko’s obsessiveness and possessiveness with Kevin was crippling to Kevin and left him without the ability to exist without a buffer. Andrew’s apathetic ass and explicit understanding of consent is needed to balance out Riko’s emotional instability and disregard for Kevin’s autonomy. I would go so far as to say it was dependency that forced Kevin to become more independent because Andrew wasn’t going to sit on his ass and wait for Kevin to figure it out or heal. Kevin only struggled into some form of functionality out of what I personally see as a crippling people pleasing need to be useful and that came from being dependent on those around him. He became semi functional (I use this so vaguely bc that man would not be functional in the real world) out of necessity and obligation to those around him, not because he actually healed or processed his shit.

Ignoring your own issues to meet expectations of the one(s) you’re dependent on is stereotypical avoidance and signs of people pleasing and also it’s a trauma response. Kevin quite literally just went “yeah well I have some problems but I’m going to push those aside bc nothing else matters besides Exy” and then proceeded for the entire series to use Exy, Neil, and Andrew as ways to try to avoid his trauma history. He’s kinda insane for that but also I get it, because placing your trauma lower than something else and then in turn obsessing over something or someone helps you compartmentalize and pseudo-function until you eventually snap and have a massive meltdown. Another thing is that when you’re living in an abusive environment you can’t afford those meltdowns. I like think that after all the shit happened in AFTG, Kevin just lost his shit for a period of time because it’s a very reasonable trauma response in victims for once you’re finally safe, you just shatter from all the pressure you’ve been avoiding in yourself. It’s only after you shatter that you can heal, and you can’t do that unless you’re in a space that you’re allowed to. And Tetsuji kept his Ravens in a headspace where they couldn’t.

feels uncomfortable or helpless when alone because of exaggerated fears of being unable to care for themselves

Ngl I’ve kinda already covered aspects of this but I just wanna reiterate what Nora said abt this specifically in her extra content that “Kevin is the one who warns Jeremy he (Jean) cannot go anywhere alone, “we Ravens don’t know how” and “Being able to go to class or the grocery store or the gym without any of his teammates in attendance is just—unfathomable” in regards to Jean Moreau’s transition into the Trojans. This is just kinda, explanatory. We’re talking about college age athletes who have been hazed and abused so much that the idea of going to a class alone isn’t even a concept to them; Kevin explicitly tells Jeremy that Ravens don’t know how to do things. They’re dependent on each other. Kevin is not only speaking to help Jean, but when he says “us Ravens” he’s including himself in that statement because he can’t either and he knows how hard it is to try to acclimate to suddenly being thrust into individuality when you haven’t had it in years. Unlike most of the Ravens, Kevin and Riko (and eventually Jean as well) grew up having that inter dependency made into a core personality trait. They hate each other and they love each other, their failures and wins depend on each other, one can’t breathe without the other suffering for it. At what point does trained and conditioned, and ultimately encouraged, dependent behavior turn into brainwashing and dehumanization until there’s nothing left of you but the one you’re dependent on?

Finally

I’m not saying Kevin Day or all of the Ravens have DPD; but what I am saying is that they have extreme traits at the least of it and it is entirely fucking reasonable to me that at least a few of them ended up with DPD or similar disorders because of the shit that happened to them in the Nest. People forget that trauma and adverse circumstances (especially from young ages like Kevin and Riko and Jean) can cause you to develop disorders or even mimic symptoms of disorders because those traumatic events caused reactions that are disordered behaviors. I feel if anything is to be nitpicked, it’s Kevin’s absolute bitchiness, because god he can be an asshole, and someone somewhere could argue because he has that antagonistic streak, DPD is entirely out of the question.

Unfortunately, the dichotomy exists of knowing when you can be bitchy and maintain submissiveness. Kevin probably learned where and when and to what extent he could tow that line when he lived in the Nest, whether it was taking out his anger and his anguish on other Ravens, on the court, or on the Foxes when he moved over. In my experience, my own explosive anger issues had to be portioned out, I had to know who I could do that to, be like that with. When and where was the correct time to lash out and when I was gonna get hit for it. Kevin isn’t stupid, he knew what Riko and Tetsuji were like. He also knew he had the upper hand in the power dynamic over the Raven’s on court. If he went for blood out of anger during practice, triggered by if Riko hurt him too much or took too much from him, other Ravens just had to take it, or worse, probably were encouraged to encourage the brutality.

All in all, I think Tetsuji created an absolute fucking labyrinth of a psychological warzone that both forced submission and rewarded dominance; it left lasting behavioral traits and triggered disorders that crippled Ravens, some for their entire lives. I wanna bet probably no former Raven went to therapy; the ones that got divvied up after the Nest closed probably were required to by their new teams, and they probably are the only generation that maybe were able to heal from it. In the extra content, Thea decided because Kevin could play again, “no harm no foul” on Riko’s end. If that’s not hivemind, culty, worshipper behavior, idk what is. That’s not a normal reaction, but it is a conditioned one.

[oniraki]

Broken into fractures

Pairing : Simon "Ghost" Riley x Reader

TW : Mental health, Psych ward, mentions of : self harm, suicide wishes/attempts , severe trauma (both Simon and reader), dark themes , angst, hurt/comfort , swearing , nicotine and psychiatric medication/sedation use - maybe too much tagging but it's better safe than sorry I guess?

AN : inspired by all the fantastic artists and writers here I gathered the courage to try and write something up myself. Hope I don't mess shit up .. please have patience with me for I really don't know what I am doing right now (and English is not my first language..)

"you're in time out Mr.Riley.." his psychiatrist says in a hushed tone, making Simon's head throb painfully. He does not like that bawbag of a man with his silly round glasses and his pathetic attempts to comb his hair in a way, that would hide his growing baldness. Simon tries to focus on Doc.Hershal's words but instead his eyes are glued to a coffee stain on the man's button down.

"Mr.Riley do you even pay attention?" A grunt is the only response that so called doctor gets out of him. The man sighs. "You hurt another patient, Mr.Riley.." he tries again and Simon chuckles hoarsely. "I'm well aware of that. He had it coming for some time .." - "You broke his nose." The doctor states more urgently, observing Simon's features as far as possible, since half of his face is hidden behind a black scarf.

"Fucking hell..should've broken his neck instead." Dr.Hershal shakes his head. "We have talked about this plenty of times, didn't we, Mr.Riley? This is no healthy way of coping with your feelings. This is unacceptable behavior above all of it. Every patient has a right to be here, to heal and to be safe while doing so"

Simon could feel his blood boil, hear it rushing through his whole body. Safety? He was talking about safety after all, that happened earlier that day? "Where was her right of safety when that fucker had his hands all over her...?!" The psychiatrist nods "I have heard about the incident. But that does not justify your aggressive behavior. That was something to be dealt with by the hospitals staff, Mr.Riley."

Incident. The nurses should've handled this. "And still nobody showed up fast enough to put her out of her misery, for fucks sake!"

His heart was beating way too fast, his bruised hands shaking in his lap. Knuckles cut open from that other man's broken teeth. He felt no shame, no regret. He'd do it all over again. Do anything to keep you safe, to protect you from harm. Even if it ment that he had to be locked up here longer than he had anticipated.

He'd do it for you.

Anything..

_______

The light was nearly blinding you as you crossed the threshold of the door, leading to the cage on the hospitals rooftop. You've never been entitled to garden privileges, going out alone and wandering around the paths between old trees and decorative bushes. You couldn't be trusted, the nurses always explained with that sorry, kinda pittying smile on their faces. You'd be a danger to yourself, they'd argue. Couldn't risk you hurting yourself, fulfilling your death wish..

The cage was just a sorry excuse of a garden. An area with fake grass and plants, some benches, secured by a Chain-link fence.. but it was your only escape from the sterile and sad gray walls of the ward, crushing you between them until you couldn't breathe. Closing you in, never letting you go. The flickering of the neon lights, the squeaking of the linoleum floor. Cold,blood sucking fingers that had a hold of you. Everything designed to torture and torment you furthermore.

The only way for you to leave that place was in a body bag. That much you were sure of.

"Hey scare-bear.." you whispered as you let yourself slump down on the fake grass next to Simon. He didn't even flinch or look at you at your sudden intrusion of his space. Not even when your head was leaning against his biceps. No words or sounds left his lips as he fetched a cigarette out of the box, lighting it up on the one he was smoking and then offering it to you. You stayed in comfortable silence for a smoke or two. Simon could feel the tension leaving his body, how his shoulders relaxed more and more with every passing minute. You were here. With him. Not in the observation room with that big window, directly connected to the nurses office. Not sedated and fixated. Not alone.. never alone, as long as he could impede it.

You sneaked your arm around his, your hand engulfing his with featherlight touches. The nurses patched him up properly after his emergency session with Hershal.

"'m sorry, love." You could feel the vibration of Simon's voice. Calming and soothing as a lullaby. He still didn't look at you, instead he kept his gaze on the sundown, throwing another cigarette butt off of the roof. "nothing to be sorry for, Si. It's my fault they relieved you of all of your privileges.." you murmured kinda dejected, petting his hand ever so lovingly.

Simon huffed, shaking his head eagerly, nearly making his hood fall down. "I'd trade every fucking, meaningless privelege if that's what it takes to keep you safe. Stop acting like it was your fault. You didn't ask him to touch you.. should've killed that bastard the second he tried to get close to you the first time."

Your movements stilled for a long moment until you released a breath you didn't know you were holding.

"they all told you to stay away from me, didn't they...?" Your voice was merely anything above a whisper. Simon only grunted in response. "As if that's ever going to happen. Nothing can stop me from being near you, little gremlin."

"but what, if they're right, scare-bear?" You ask, now avoiding his gaze that lingers on your face. "What if.. I'm no good for you? Making your condition worse..?" You thought intensely about it for the last couple of weeks. Simon used to make progress, used to get better.. at least until you came along. Certainly it hast to be your fault. "Is that what they believe or what you believe?" He snapped at you, hating himself for the harshness in his voice immediately.

You heard the night nurses whisper about you and Simon. About you being a liability to him. Stopping his progress, pulling him down into your dark abyss.

Your mind began spiraling again.

"I need words, love. Talk to me.. don't shut me out. Not again.." he demanded softly, freeing his arm out of your grasp. He'd leave you, right ? Because he realized how much of a burden you were.

But instead of getting up and leaving he placed his arm around your shoulders, pulling you into him gently, as if he might break you.

But by now your thoughts and emotions were cutting too deep, pulling you into a kind of headspace where'd you go nonverbal ..

Burden. Threat. Liability. Rotten heart and soul inside a useless, broken body. Not good enough. Not loveable.

Why can't you finally die?

" 'm here, lovie. I got you." He whispered into the crown of your head. "It's okay not to be okay right now. We'll get through it, together."

Oh how you just wanted to believe him..

[ethereal-multiplicity]

I haven't talked to Loki in months... and I kinda abandoned him because of depression (not kinda, I yelled at him to fuck off and haven't talked since)

I wanna get back into working with him, and I think he's been reaching out.

But first, I need to vent about him. I think one reason I got angry and protective over myself is because my toxic ex tried to gaslight me that Loki was dangerous...

They asked me why I was working with him... I said for trauma healing, telling them what a wonderful deity Loki was to be around. Loki is so fun and comforting.

They proceeded to tell me that Loki was dangerous, he killed another god, every god hated him, etc.

And like. That shit offended me to my core. That ex was a skeptic who only worshipped a specific Norse God, and they have the audacity to tell me that I am in danger because I worked with Loki.

I told them that more commonly worshipped gods have done more fucked up stuff than what Loki has ever done. Just look at the Greek Gods, shits a mess.

I also told them that the stories of the gods hating Loki happened after Christianity got ahold of him. The gods trusted Loki, they went to him for unconventional solutions when their plans failed. Loki is a good man, he had the imagination to think outside the box, and that's why the gods loved him until Christianity started infiltrating Norse Mythology and turned Loki into a hated, comic relief "character", who everyone despised. They made him akin to the Devil for easier conversion.

I also explained to them that Mythology is exactly that. A myth. Humans made these stories up to better understand their gods.

Either way, we had a long "playful fight" and at the end they were basically telling me whatever, just don't worship him.

And I think that conversation stuck with me. Even long after we broke up and I found out they are a manipulative bastard who is probably gonna be a sex offender in a couple years, I still had that underlying belief that, maybe I was unsafe with Loki. After all I went to a emergency psych ward for a 24 hour hold after letting him destroy what he saw fit in my life.

So anyway, this post is an explanation and apology to Loki. I am sorry for yelling at you and thinking that I was unsafe around you. I'm sorry that I let myself take advice from a skeptic who has never had any sort of divine relationship.

And I know everything you ruined was for the best. You caused as many fights between me and my family, so I would go to the psych ward and have a spiritual awakening. You made them almost abandon me so they could get smacked in the face with self reflection and I would be free.

You saved my life. I am not overexaggerating, you and Lord Lucifer are the reason I am still alive. Your the only masculine deities that I truly view as my parental figures.

You are amazing Loki, please continue teaching me how to sparkle ✨️❤️🐎

[sleepless-in-starbucks]

oizys u should explain mouthwashing game to me alkdfjals;dkfj ( ˘ ³˘)♥ ( ˘ ³˘)♥ ( ˘ ³˘)♥ it sounds neat but too horror-y for me 😭 but i'm getting. idk just like vague hints that you've heard about it or something <3 sooo if u want to then i could hear about it without having to experience it directly 👀

i dont know what would give you the implication ive seen it im so subtle about my enjoyment of it (lying) but yes ill be happy to provide an explanation :)

specifically what im going to do is . copy and paste the Extremely Detailed Run Through of the game that i told blink in a fit of madness, which is pretty much as close as you can get to playing/watching the game Without playing/watching it imltho

and Then since that explanation will still be kinda horror-y and may not be enjoyed by all ill put at the end of it a tl;dr section that's a more str8-forward explanation of the game with minimal horror elements explained in depth

so if u want to read the whole thing Great, if not feel free to speed scroll to the bottom and read there :) if u have any thoughts or follow up questions Please let me know i love being normal about this game

warnings for: blood, gore, mutilation, severe injury, implied assault (general and sexual), death, general Horror and Tension vibes

mouthwashing is a sci-fi horror game, set on the ship 'the tulpar' with its 5 crew members. there's curly, the captain jimmy, the co-pilot, second-in-command anya, the ship's nurse swansea, the ship's mechanic and daisuke, swansea's intern curly and jimmy are old friends, anya's about their age, swansea's an older man with a family back on earth, and daisuke is a teen/twenties smth who doesnt really know what he's doing with his life

when the game Opens u are told it's '0 days until the crash' and u get to have fun playing as a not-immediately-identified character who's running their ship into an asteroid following that scene you switch to '2 months after the crash' where you're playing as jimmy, with most of the rest of the crew sitting at a table with u and talking about whether or not to open up your cargo hold- as a delivery ship, it's against regulations, but you're stuck in the middle of space, the only thing protecting you from death in the vacuum being piles of emergency foam, and if there's food or medical supplies in there, you need them if youve any chance to survive

you learn in short order that the missing crew member- curly, your former captain now that jimmy's taken over that responsibility- was missing bc he's been in the medical ward for 2 months, devoid of his hands, feet, skin, and one eye. he was in the cockpit when the ship crashed, and it shows. if youve seen the fucked up bandaged guy assoiated with the game, surprise! that's post-crash curly

u get to Have Fun feeding him pain meds after anya asks for your help, saying she cant do it herself. this game has Wonderful sound design so. well. no one's having fun

jimmy then gets to go find a way into the cargo hold, along the way learning that the utility room is foamed up to hells and swansea isnt letting anyone else in there for the time being- the ship's cyro pods live in there, and theyre delicate, so he doesnt trust anyone else to break through the foam without a) killing them b) destroying the pods

once u break into the cargo hold, u see shelves upon shelves of cardboard boxes before the game switches gears to flash u back to 7 days before the crash

u learn ur now playing as curly, who's finishing up a psych eval with anya. he passes, huzzah! and offers to do jimmy's for anya when she mentions that he never takes it seriously, making stupid jokes that she then has to write down for the official report

before doing so, however, curly finds that daisuke has trapped himself in some foam trying to fix a utility vent that leads between the utility room and the medical room. curly gets the axe out for swansea to free daisuke with + clear the rest of the foam. luckily, no one is injured, and the pods (right next to the vent) weren't broken. swansea makes it clear that no one, especially daisuke, is to go back into that vent. it's too fucked up, it can't be fixed, you'll be cut and burned and shocked to death trying

curly takes note before leaving to do the eval with jimmy, with it going over more-normal since curly is doing it instead of anya. they then talk about their respective life positions- jimmy feels he's never going to be good enough, that he's never really gotten anywhere meaningful, and curly is torn between staying in his role as a great ship captain or trying to see if he'd be better off somewhere else, if being a captain is really what he wants to do forever

jimmy makes a comment about how curly's choosing between staying at the top of his current ladder or switching for another, but he's still got 'a long way down/to fall' either way

theyre cut off when a message from the higher ups comes in, and jimmy leaves so curly can read it privately

back to 2 months after the crash, the crew reveals what theyve been shipping: mouthwash. boxes upon boxes of mouthwash. one of them makes a comment about how this is what they wanted us crating across the stars? only mouthwash? anya notes that the mouthwash has too much sugar to be used as a disinfectant, and points out the 14% ethanol content. swansea takes this as a good sign to take a swig of the stuff to Swallow, making a comment about 15 years of sobriety down the drain

we return to 7 days before the crash, where curly has read the message from the higher ups and it is Not Good. he goes to tell the crew, only to have them all greet him with hats and balloons- surprise! happy birthday, curly

they only get one birthday celebration per trip, and they take turns each trip with whose bday they focus on, and this time it's curly. jimmy comments on how the tradition is corny, but he's kinda grown to like it, and he looks forward to the next one. curly reacts oddly before he goes to make the cake; he has to be the one to do it, bc only the captain has the rights to make sugar packets

the crew ask him to do a speech, but as he puts the cake down, they realize something's wrong. they ask what, and curly reveals the news of the note- the 'pony express' they work for is pulling the plug on them. this mouthwash expedition will be their last one- they will get paid for it, curly says, they assured me the crew

doesnt exactly take the news well

swansea said they shouldve seen it coming, pony express was the last organization to run manned delivery ships, the writing was on the wall. anya expresses that she doesnt know what to do- she doesnt have any savings. daisuke asks if they can even do this

jimmy gets more into it, pointing out Specifically how fucked they are- swansea's hardly got that many more working years in him, anya never finished nursing school and hey we all know she never will, but, yknow what, daisuke's got a rich mommy and daddy, so thank gods he'll be just fine. jimmy's got nothing waiting for him on earth, but whatever, i'll be fine, isnt that what you said, curly? that im always fine? down here on the bottom of the rungs? and of course, for curly, this is the best possible outcome! a chance to leave being a captain with none of the guilt of the choice. he wasnt even running from being a captain, just from being around them, but he has to be hero. he's always the hero. and now he's still the damn hero

curly tries to calm jimmy, jimmy slams his hands on the table, and tells him to just cut the goddamn cake

curly does so. it looks more like a stabbing motion

back to post-crash, it's the middle of the night. daisuke's asleep, anya + swansea are missing, and curly's scream-groans are echoing through the ship

jimmy goes to check on curly, finds him flailing. he needs more painkillers, but jimmy's not sure if he's had his set for the day cycle yet, so he goes to find anya. both her and swansea are found in the cockpit, talking about something. anya's not sure what to do. they cut off when jimmy appears, ask him if he's having trouble sleeping too

jimmy asks about the meds, anya says she forgot to do it. jimmy berates her for it before saying he'll take care of it- anya tries to insist she can, but jimmy ignores her to do it himself

curly flails more, pained, screaming, but he gets the meds, jimmy sees to that. theyre running low. once theyre out, jimmy muses, they wont have anything to give curly for the pain, to keep him still

still jimmy, we now enter a This Isnt Reality moment

jimmy's in the main area, the screen that simulates a sky cracked and flashing EMERGENCY on it. at the table is curly, in all his bloody bandage glory. the cake's between him and jimmy. curly- who can talk here, who cant talk in real life anymore- wants to eat the cake. jimmy says it's shitty, subpar, not worth it. curly argues that u need meh things to make the good things Good. he asks jimmy to cut it, and jimmy says he will once he finds a knife

the cake knife is in the broken cockpit, buried in the back of the captain's headrest. jimmy comes back and finds the cake is gone, now curly's on the table instead. the game glitches and cuts to 3 months post-crash before you cut anything

jimmy's in the cargo hold. the place's been lightly ransacked, some boxes open, spilling off the shelves. you need to check on the crew

daisuke's on the floor right outside the hold, sick with a mouthwash in hand. he's drunk some. jimmy says he should stop, it'll kill him-

-faster than anything, daisuke finishes. he gives the mouthwash to jimmy. he never wants to see it again

anya's at the table in the main area, staring at an unopened bottle. there's a backup medical storage area, trapped in the foam, but not That trapped. she thinks they can get to it. they need more medicine

jimmy goes to get the axe from swansea. he's wasted on mouthwash (side note, this crew's ability to survive things that usually kill over the longterm is oddly high. no offense curly and swansea, but you both should be dead well before the end of this affair) and dancing with the axe in hand

jimmy wants it? wants to risk cracking a hole in their ship's emergency foam and killing them all? be his guest- swansea buries the axe in the sky screen behind him, right in the center of the fake sun, and lets jimmy take it away

he gets to the medicine. painkillers- different type, different dose- and medicinal rubbing alcohol (pure alcohol, the inventory tells you, so strong that it could kill)

anya asks him to give the pills to curly again. jimmy breaks again, yelling at anya- can she not do her job?? doesnt she know how busy he is as captain, how much he has to do?? find the scanner, get into the cargo hold, check on the crew, get the axe, and of course, give curly his fucking pills. anya backpedals, says she can do it- but no. jimmy's been asked, jimmy's got it. he'll give curly his fucking pills (the swear is in the mission objective now!)

i get it now, jimmy tells a pained curly, about wanting to get out. being captain's hard. you have to do everything. but don't worry curly. jimmy's going to get them all through this. he's going to fix this. he gives curly his fucking medicine

we now cut to 6 hours before "judgement". jimmy's locked himself in the cockpit- outside, swansea is yelling for him, telling him he cant hide, shaking the door. jimmy rushes to the supply cabinet, finds a broken metal pipe and some rope, these can be useful

he shoves the metal pipe into the door, trying to reinforce the lock. he grabs the rope and swansea breaks through the door's window, reaching through the broken glass for the lock

3 days before the crash, anya's sitting in the main area, looking at the simulated sky. it's set for night, deep blue and silver moon. curly sits next to her. neither of them can sleep, anya says she's been having trouble for a few nights now

there's a dead pixel in the top corner, anya tells curly, if you look closely enough curly cant see it, but he says it'll haunt him. now that you've told me, anya, it'll always be in the back of my mind anya asks how much longer they have to the trip. 273 days, curly responds, just under- -8 months, anya finishes. sits for another moment. captain, why do they have a lock on the door for the medical room, but not the sleeping quarters? same reason they do the cockpit, curly replies. safety the screen glitches out on the word

post crash, 5 months. there's an emergency, daisuke tells us- anya's locked in the medical room with curly

jimmy and daisuke go to investigate, try to force the door open. jimmy asks how hard anya's tried to unstick it on her end, has she put her back into it? she's silent. jimmy asks if the door is really stuck. it isnt, she admits, and she isnt going to unlock it

jimmy says she needs to get over herself, that she needs to learn to deal with hardship. all their meds are in there. she needs to open the door

anya says that she still believes people arent as bad as their worst moment (an earlier conversation, back when we were only 2 months post crash, when jimmy was musing on why they chose to keep curly alive despite the cost, despite 'what he did'). that she believes this isnt her worst moment. they wont stop her from what she must do

jimmy, worried about curly, asks daisuke if there's any other way into the medical room. there is. it's the super duper completely off limits vent that starts in the also currently off limits utility room

to get in the utility room, they need to get past swansea. he's got the key and he's still not letting anyone in, looking miserable and ill as he sits outside the utility room door. he's not dead yet, but the mouthwash isnt exactly doing him any favours

8 hours before judgement. daisuke's on his bedroll, bloody and in agony. they need disinfectant- where's the medicinal alcohol? swansea asks (demands) jimmy tells him cocktail, and swansea curses, tells him to go look for something else. swansea goes to the medical room, door now open. you can't see the area where curly is, cant find anya; the screen glitches out in grey stripes you go the cargo hold. the stairs leading down into them are longer, longer than you remember, too long. take responsibility, take care of it. there's a monster in the cargo, and if you move when it's too close it'll get you

you find a bottle of mouthwash, not yet opened, in the hands of the ship's horse mascot polle

you take it back to daisuke. he tells you he's sorry he messed up, you tell him not to speak

it's too much sugar. you have nothing else you close your eyes and daisuke screams

5 months after the crash. you need to get past swansea. he's got a high tolerance, but it can only be so high, right? you mix a cocktail, one part mouthwash, one part medical alcohol (so strong it could kill)

swansea accepts the 'peace offering.' he hits the ground and the key falls out of his pocket. daisuke worries, will he be ok? it's fine. he has a high tolerance

you open the utility room and find that it's not filled to the brim with foam. the edges are, sure, and most of the cyro pods are ruined, but it's clear overall. there's still one pod standing

daisuke's impressed. swansea's done more work than we thought! jimmy argues he hasn't done any work, he's been lying through his teeth the entire time, hiding the remaining cyro pod as his own secret and excuse to keep welding the axe. only one of them can survive, and swansea's setting it up to be him

daisuke isnt convinced, says they should wait to ask swansea about it. jimmy says theyll deal with him later. for now- the vent

it's still a danger, electricity sparking from a loose wire. daisuke's not convinced this is a good idea. sure, swansea may have been lying about the utility room being foamed out, but he was really serious about this vent. maybe they shouldnt go in

jimmy reminds him this is there only way in, to anya, to curly. daisuke has to go in- he'll be fine, and then, swansea will be so proud of him. he'll have done so well. he'll have done good.... under captain's orders

daisuke folds. he's going to do it. he climbs into the vent. you listen to him clunk through, shuffle over the metal- a pained sound, a groan, and then he's into the medical room. oh, anya, what did you do?

it's 1 day before the crash now. your objective is to find the gun

it's not in the medical room, not in the main area. you go to the cockpit, where it should be, and find anya, kneeling on the floor, distraught. as the nurse, she gave all the psych evals, but no one gave her one. you shouldve. you should have done a lot of things

you'll take care of this, you promise her, you'll get this all figured out. it doesnt have to go on the report logs. where's the gun?

anya tells curly she's pregnant. he asks who.

captain, anya says, i told you.

curly asks for the gun again, says he'll talk to him, he's known him a long time, but he needs the gun back

she reminds him that only the captain can open the case, that she doesnt really have the gun, just the case holding it, hidden away. the bylaws wont let you arm her with it against him, but she wont let it fall into his hands

6 hours before judgement. jimmy cant get daisuke's bleeding to stop. swansea's kneeling next to the kid. he's got the axe again

he talks to daisuke, for a bit. about how he hadnt been able to do anything right, about how swansea didnt know why he had come to the ship in the first place. about how he was just a kid trying to figure everything out. about how he was still always Trying. always wanting to Learn. useless ray of goddamn sunshine. you couldve taught an old fool like me a lot. close your eyes, daisuke

swansea raises his axe and strikes the center of the sun

jimmy starts arguing with swansea, angry, why'd he do that? didnt he see jimmy was fixing it, that he just needed time? why will no one on this damn ship give him any time?

swansea says he's done with jimmy's trying to 'fix' everything, that there was no more hope for any of them, that he was sparing daisuke from spending another second with jimmy and his delusions

jimmy accuses swansea of less selfless motivations, tells him that he knows about the utility room, the one remaining cyro pod- swansea's planning to try and be the last one standing, isnt he? 20 years in a cyro chamber is a better chance than the months theyve got on the ship before food runs out

swansea laughs at him. he doesnt want the cyro chamber. he's got everything he needs right there on the ship. does jimmy want it? he's welcome to it - he can tell whatever story he wants when the rescue crews finally find him. he can be the hero. curly and the rest of them'll take the blame. jimmy can be the hero

jimmy brushes him off, goes to the medical room. anya's on the floor, vomit on her chest and three bottles scattered around her slumped over form. curly, still alive, watches you with one eye as you pry open her hidden drawer and find the gun case. you can open it. you're captain now

you go to the medical door. open it up to find swansea running at you, full tilt, axe raised over his head. you slam the door shut

curly laughs at you. as you open the case, get the gun, find swansea running at you. bloody hunk of meat and he's laugh-crying at you

0 days before the crash. anya's in the medical room, on her knees. she told jimmy. curly says he wishes she wouldve waited for him. it doesnt matter. jimmy didnt take the news well, stormed off. curly goes to follow him. he can fix this. he'll fix this

jimmy's outside the utility room. i can fix this, curly tells him. you'll get through this

it's not just me though, is it? jimmy points out. it's your ship, captain. your responsibility (take responsibility, take care of it). that'll follow you around for the rest of your life

or they'll just see it as your best attempt. a tragedy, despite its impeccable captain's supposed best efforts. no survivors to tell the tale

for a moment, the first moment, you cut out of both jimmy and curly's bodies. you watch jimmy put his hand on curly's arm. take care of it, take care of it, take care of it, kills 99.9%-

jimmy says he'll take care of it, and he walks away

moments later, the ship is crashing, jimmy sitting outside of the cockpit. tell me you didn't-? no response. you pry open the doors to the cockpit, rush in headfirst. you'll fix it. you will fix it, even as fire consumes your vision

1 hour before judgement. you've got curly in your arms now. you walk him out to the main area- surprise! happy birthday jimmy

the crew's seated at the table again; anya with her vomit-covered chest, daisuke with a bloody line through his face, swansea with a bullet through his forehead. jimmy places curly on the table. theyre all celebrating him, begging him for a speech. you pick up the knife

for some people, it's enough just to put food on the table. but not for curly. he needs more. you've always needed more, curly, but that's alright. i still believe in you. even like this

a view from above shows the crew slumped over and unmoving. a view from jimmy's eyes show them sitting up, breathing, smiling. swansea's drinking more mouthwash

you cut through the cake with a stabbing motion, a sawing motion, dropping a slab on each member's plate. the cake sits. curly stares. both his legs are shorter than they were before the crash, but one even more so now. feast

you're in the vents now. take responsibility. there's no going back now. you turn around and something- a face- in the darkness- you're facing the vent again. there's no going back now

you crawl, backwards, through the vents. a bloody note reads responsibility and you crawl from it the fastest. axes line the vents. now flowers, hibiscuses, bright pink like the one's on daisuke's shirt

you tie up swansea. you can still fix this, you tell him. you'll fix this

swansea tells a story. how he used to be a drunkard, always down the bottle, until one day he looked in the mirror and scared himself, saw a bloated body in a ditch if he didnt straighten out. he got sober, got a job, a mortgage, a collared shirt. a wife, kids. none of his achievements ever felt as good as he wanted them too. those days, lost to the bottle, living on the edge- they were some of the best he ever had

if i couldve done one thing right, he tells you, i wouldve saved that kid. that would have been worth it. that would have meant something

jimmy says he can fix this. swansea tells him to fuck off. jimmy fires his gun

you walk through the endless halls of the ship. the walls are sporting eyes, and all of them are watching you. curly's eye, eyes. watching you. you crawl out of his throat and find him where you bolted him into the ship, half machine, surrounded by tvs

you go to the tv, watch a cartoon. it's mother goose's birthday. you grab the cake and pull out a slice of curly's leg. he'll thank you one day. you twist the knobs until the cake goes down a treat, until he can't spit it back up. he'll thank you one day

there's flesh in the ship and it's beating, bleating, horses like fetuses in the warmth. the blob blinks filmy eyes out at you and screams

polle's talking to you now. backdrop of the cargo hold. backdrop of the skyscreen, set to night. poor you, polle coos in false sympathy, caged and unbelieved

i tried my best! jimmy argues, me and curly both did. but curly's the better man

why are you still so concerned with him?

jimmy carries curly to the utility room. puts him in the pod. closes the door

we're curly again, watching our old friend through the glass

i wanted to help you, but all i did was hurt you. but you're safe now. no one can harm you now. together we can fix anything, right? we fixed it. i.... i fixed it

jimmy walks out of sight. you hear a gunshot. a moment of panic, blind- did he forget? did he leave you here, trapped, alone-

and the cyro kicks in, blue and cool, as the credits roll through your vision

TL;DR RECAPPING

mouthwashing is about a cargo ship crew stuck in space after their ship was purposefully crashed by one of their own. you take turns playing the game 'before the crash' as curly, the official captain, and playing 'after the crash' as jimmy, the co-pilot and unofficial captain once curly is severely injured by the crash. other characters are anya, the ship's nurse, swansea, the ship's mechanic, daisuke, swansea's intern, and polle, the ship's mascot who is only alive in some nightmares

throughout the game you learn that, while he's convinced the others it was curly, jimmy crashed the ship in a fit of desperation after learning that anya- whom he assaulted- was pregnant. the child was evidence he wouldnt be able to hide when they reached their destination, so... why not crash the ship and doom everyone!

the game gets its name from the fact that the only thing the crew was hauling turns out to be mouthwashing, which swansea uses to get drunk, but otherwise isnt very helpful. many good symbolic/metaphorical implications contained in it though!

by the end of the game, all characters end up dead, save for curly. anya commits suicide with pills, swansea mercy kills daisuke after jimmy goaded him into doing something stupid that got him seriously injured, swansea gets shot when going after jimmy, and jimmy kills himself with gunshot after putting curly in a cyropod. it's possible curly wont survive too, but he's the only crew member with a chance at it

the game has Many themes and concepts and such but some of the most important to take away are:

responsibility and complicity. jimmy and curly are the two player characters for a reason; they're parallels to each other. jimmy is the primary/direct cause for most of what goes wrong, but he wouldn't have been able to do everything he did if curly had done his job and stopped him. curly's complicity in jimmy's crimes are what ultimately doom himself and the entire ship. jimmy does everything, curly does nothing, and they are both to blame

the rampant effects of misogyny, in the workplace and general, and how even in issues that are All about them, women are often excluded from their own narratives. mouthwashing is driven by the injustice anya faces at both jimmy and curly's hands, in how jimmy treats her and in how curly refuses to see what jimmy's done because He's An Old Friend, He Wouldn't Do That, Right? yet, despite this, anya is often strikingly absent from the story, especially in jimmy's hallucinations. he's willing to accept the blame, the responsibility for everything... but not anya. he begs forgiveness for wronging curly, but he never even thinks of it for anya. in a story so largely controlled by the mistreatment she faces and everything she tries to do to combat it, anya is constantly sidelined. this is purposeful. this is unreliable narrator at their finest

turning the blind eye eventually comes back to hurt everyone, especially the ones who looked away the hardest. curly does nothing to help anya, only to end up in a position where he's the one entirely at jimmy's violent mercy. see the previously mentioned points

and there is So Much More but those are some base points u can carry away with u whether u read the full debrief or just the tldr :) hope you enjoyed . i am mentally well (lying)

[chemical-killjoy]

OK, so here's the thing. I just watched the Fortnight video and listened to Who's Afraid of Little Old Me for the first time... I'm having thoughts.

First of all, while I DON'T like Taylor (as will become evident in this post) I can appreciate WAOLOM, because it do be a bop, and the lyrics in Fortnight are (while cringy) also pretty good. Just cause I don't like her doesn't mean she sucks at what she does, just like how some of her songs are good doesn't mean all are or that it's all because of her with no help in penning them.

Next. Fortnight. So first of all, it's incredibly fucked up to be talking about alcoholism from someone who hasn't struggled (and if she has, I retract that statement... but since she hasn't spoken about it, I think it's another one of her metaphors), and the psychward-chic?? What the actual FUCK??? Look, as someone who has been in psych wards multiple times... you cannot be making that shit glamorous. You don't get to show med times, you don't get to show ECT, without some kind of disclaimer, knowledge, understanding or experience. It's not all ballgowns and doctor saving you. It's horrible.

So she's glamourising mental illness. Fucking, fine. Everyone on TikTok seems to be, so fine. But going further with ECT?? For those who don't know, ECT stands for electroconvulsive therapy, and if you're thinking that sounds like electroshock therapy... it is. It's the same thing, rebranded and "tamed". And it's NOT A THING OF THE PAST. I know someone who got ECT done. And while it seems to have helped her, it's fucking horrendous. I'm not going into the side effects or the process, but it's a last resort. Even medically, it's a last resort, it's horrendous. I mean for fuck's sake, I know where people get it done, and I've been there (not to have it done, but for talk therapy). It's not fucking nice! It's not chic, it's not fun times, you don't get black and white film and lipstick. I can't even try to understand why you'd glamourise something so fucked up just for public attention. There's a difference between making things creepy, pushing boundaries in artistic senses, and making some of the worst times of people's lives into a break up song. What the actual fuck is wrong with her?? Also, to reiterate, I wouldn't call it ableism, as much as just fucking horrendous.

Then there's WAOLOM (I can't be bothered to keep typing it lol). Ngl, it's a banger, it's a vibe, and it's kinda relatable through both the trauma and female rage lense that I think she's going for. So, well done with that I guess. But the thing I have a problem with in this... Look man, if that's genuinely how she feels? I hope she gets help. Being caged is awful, and being twisted into a monster, also not fun. I know there was the whole snake fiasco that definitely would've been traumatic, and I hope she's OK and can heal from that. But in the song... it's so fucking self absorbed. Like no. Not everything is about you, as much as you try to make it that way (and unfortunately swifties are making that so). Ngl, the asylum where they raised me part, I mean her dad doesn't sound fun to grow up with if you think about it, but there's more psych ward imagery which pisses me off from someone who hasn't suffered that much!! Like sure, what she's been through is shit, I relate to some of it and so understand, but you can't go around like your pain is the worst in the world. It fucking isn't. At least you can afford the therapy for it Taylor, some of us can't. And the "I'll sue you" part? She literally has sued people for small shit!!

TL;DR: Fortnight video is FUCKING WRONG AND FUCKED UP and I wanna punch her for it and ECT is not a thing of the past, and Who's Afraid Of Little Old Me is a banger, but she's incredibly self-centred and if she actually feels what she wrote in that song I hope she gets the help she needs (/gen)

[drownedinlavender]

Helloooo, so I'm writing a long kyman fic. It's gonna be a slow burn multi-chapter one. I got like a good 1/3 of it down with like a skeleton of events mapped out. Since I haven't been active in any fandom or like written fanfic since I was a teen, I wanted to post an excerpt to kinda test the waters a bit haha I'm kinda shy about sharing stuff but was greatly inspired by a lot of people's work.

Anyway, the premise is Cartman impulsively taking the fall on something and being admitted to inpatient cause of it. This excerpt is when he facetimes the gang to tell them about it. Stan and Kenny are at school during lunch, Kyle's at the hospital (has to do with what Cartman took the blame for), and Eric's at home about to leave.

I'd greatly appreciate any criticism or input! Thank u for ur time 💜💖 ^^)/

"Dude, a psych ward? That sounds pretty serious," Stan looks mildly concerned.

"It is serious, Stan. That's why Kyle's gonna owe me big time when I get back," Eric smuggly declares, "Like sucking my balls big big time."

Kenny sneakers at the brunette still obsessing over a bet they made years ago when they were just kids.

"Man, you gotta lay off the balls thing, Cartman. That's hella gay," Stan drily informs while munching on a fry.

"Hey! It's not gay! It's about humiliation and having power over an individual," Eric offendedly denies, choosing to die on that hill.

Kyle, who has been absolutely seething in the background, finally bursts, "Fuck you, Cartman! I didn't ask you to cover for me, you did that all on your own!"

Eric scoffs, "Okay, fine, Kahl, would you prefer me going to PC principal and telling him I take it all back. That he should take you off the team like he wanted? Is that what you want, Kahl?"

Kyle tenses his jaw muscles as he grinds his teeth. Of course that's not what he wants but is Cartman holding one over his head any better? His eyes flicker to the side as he contemplates for a brief moment. Stan continues eating, staring at his screen waiting for his best friend to speak as if he's watching an enthralling reality tv show. Once Kenny's giggling fit finally subsides, he lays his head on one outstretched arm and sneaks a French fry from whoever's lunch tray is right across from him.

"Fine," Kyle bitterly concedes with a sigh, "but I'm not helping you do anything illegal like murder or whatever. And I'm definitely not sucking your balls," he points at Cartman through the screen.

"Oh…" a small voice utters in surprise across the room from Kyle. The redhead looks up at a shocked nurse half way through the door. "I-I'll come back in a second to check your vitals," she embarrassedly scurries out of the room.

Kyle's mortified face soon matches his hair. "God, damn it, Cartman!"

Kenny practically dies of laughter, not even bothering to hold his phone up right anymore.

"Dude," Stan snorts before cracking up as well.

Kyle hides his face with one hand, trying with every fiber of his being to maintain any ounce of composure he can muster before combusting from rage.

Eric's amused smile warps into a shit eating grin, he absolutely could not be any more delighted by the current turn of events. He obnoxiously clears his throat before continuing, "Very well, I'll leave a legally binding contract in your room before departing, Kahl. Now Kenny," he seamlessly changes the topic.

Kenny straightens himself out the best he can. "Uh-huh?" He responds through tears.

"Wait a second, fatass, do NOT break into my room!" Kyle protests.

Eric purposely ignores his rival, knowing it'll anger him further. "Kenny, my mom says you can use your spare key to clear out my fridge whenever. She's gonna stay up in Denver with some cousin until I'm out. We don't want the food rotting up and stinking up the place so do it sooner rather than later, got it?"

"Seriously, dude?!" Kenny immediately straightens himself out in elated surprise. Woohoo!" He cheers. He knows their fridge is always packed so he and his little sister are definitely set for bit.

"Knock yourself out, dude, just don't let anything rot in there. Seriously, I'll kick your ass if I come back and my house reeks like spoiled ass."

"You got it, bro," Kenny assures with a thumbs up.

"Don't ignore me, asshole!" Kyle's demands only serve to further Cartman's amusement.

"Welp, gotta go pack up some essentials. Don't know how long I'll have to be admitted … but it's all worth it for my dear friend Kahl's sake," Eric fakes sincerity. With a hand over his heart, he winks at Kyle.

"Oh, Fuck off," Kyle rolls his eyes.

"Well, good luck, dude. Don't blow up the place trying to escape," Stan waves goodbye from his screen.

"Guys, wanna say bye to Cartman? He's gonna go do some time at a loony bin," Kenny asks, reversing his camera to show the rest of their lunch table.

"We heard. You guys are super loud," Craig complains before biting his burger.

"Hey! Don't call it a loony bin, asswipe! That's totally insensitive to people with mental health issues. Not cool dude," Cartman condescendingly lectures, doing what he does best, playing the victim.

"Cartman's getting admitted? Dude, that's crazy!" Tweek comments.

"Wait, who's getting what now?" Clyde looks up from his phone, unaware of the conversation going on around him.

"Cartman, dude, he got in trouble again so PC principal's sending him to a psych ward," Tweek rapidly explains.

"Oh," Clyde responds in his usual nasally tone.

"All in order to save Kyle from getting kicked off the team," Cartman adds.

"Don't act like you did it from the kindness of your heart, fatass!" Kyle quickly corrects.

"First it's Cartman, then they'll be coming for the rest of us!" The jittery blond panics.

Craig pats his boyfriend's shoulder. "No they won't, honey, we don't cause the town to blow up every other month like they do."

"Hey!" Kyle indignantly exclaims.

"We haven't been directly responsible for the town's destruction for like," Stan counts the time in his head, "at least a year now!" He defends himself and his friends, receiving a middle finger from an unimpressed Craig.

"L-l-later, Eric, don't dr-dro-dr-dro-drop the soap," Jimmy jokes before offering up his signature smile.

"Jim, that's for jail," Tolkien corrects.

"Aw, we'll miss you, Eric! Don't take too long in the psych ward!" Butters gleefully shouts.

Kyle rolls his eyes, feeling himself getting more and more irritated by the situation at hand. "Oh, for Pete's sake, it's not like he's dying, you guys." The longer these farewells are dragging on, the more he can feel a twinge of guilt spreading throughout his subconscious and twisting up his guts.

"Poopsikins, mommy can't find Mr. Kitty's carrier, do you remember where we left it?" Liane can be heard calling from the background.

"Just a second, meeem!" Eric hollers off camera before getting back in frame and sticking out his tongue with a peace sign, "Later, losers ~ " he sings-songs and hangs up.

"You know …. For someone being sent off to an insane asylum, he seems really unbothered by it," Tolkien points out.

Kyle's eyes flicker down for just a second before choosing to quickly dismiss further analyzing Cartman's reaction to being sent away. "Well, yeah, it's Cartman. Do you really expect him to react normally about anything?"

"That's true," Tolkien immediately agrees, chalking it up to Cartman just being Cartman.

For a brief moment, Kyle remembers the time he was admitted when the town wouldn't believe him about Mr. Hankey but before he can even decide on entertaining that thought, Stan speaks.

"Wow … so he's really leaving, huh?" Stan says more than asks, looking a bit absent minded.

"I guess so," Kenny pensively looks down at the lunch table, head resting on crossed arms. He turns to Stan and forlornly admits, "dude … I'm actually feeling kinda bummed out."

Kyle bites the inside of his cheek. The reality of their current predicament further sinking in.

"Aw, Ken," Stan frowns and pats Kenny's shoulder.

"It's okay, Ken," Butters comforts, patting Kenny's back, "he said so himself, he probably won't be there for long."

"Isn't this a good thing though? Things are going to be a lot more peaceful while he's gone," Tolkien suggests.

"If Cartman gets admitted for the rest of the school year, I'll be sooooo happy," Craig chants in a monotone.

A sniffle directs everyone's focus towards Clyde.

"Clyde, you okay, buddy?" Craig puts down his lunch to fully focus on his friend's concerns.

"We *sniff* were starting to *sniff* get along more *sniff* this year," he powers through a closing throat.

Kyle bites his cheek even harder. Cartman was certainly a lot tamer as of late. Things were finally getting comfortable between the two of them, too.

"He was being a lot c-coo-c-coo-cooler this y-year," Jimmy admits.

The nurse knocks before entering Kyle's room this time. "I'm going to take your vitals again, okay?" She smiles.

"Yeah, sure," Kyle replies before addressing his friends, "I gotta go guys. Stan, can you come pick up my keys and move my car before my parents get back? I have a minor concussion so I'm under observation for a bit."

"Yeah, dude, totally," Stan confirms.

"Later," Kenny mumbles, waving with one hand, his face fully immersed in his crossed arms.

"Alright, thanks, see you guys later," Kyle says his goodbyes, queuing the nurse to begin taking his blood pressure.

Kyle barely moves, too busy contemplating Eric's departure. First, Stan moves and now Cartman's going to be gone for God knows how long? He bitterly sighs.

[dangermousie]

If the first episode showed us how wounded and screwed up Qi Luo is, this ep shows us that Ling is every bit as much a mess. It's such a nice twist that the confident popular "bad boy" is really really fucked up. Not only is he a former resident of a mental institution but he is not altogether all there even now. When his bike is getting fixed and the mechanic asks him why doesn't he (Ling) go back home to stay with his father, Ling says that he's go insane if he moved back in. But it's not all a snarky remark. There is a grain of truth there. And when the mechanic snarks back that he already is crazy anyway, you can see that for Ling, that unintentionally hits home. He is a total seething mess under his cool mask.

I mean, the scene that opens ep 2 is his seeing his image in a convenience store mirror and losing it so so so badly.

I am not a doctor but this sounds sus. This said, it's manga medicine so whatever.

This is here for the pretty...

I'd say the fact that in his mostly unconscious state, he grabs on to her sketch of a mother and child, is kinda a foreshadowing of a lot in their relationship: her bringing him peace and stability. But of course, he helps her quite a lot as well. Not only does he drag her out of her shell (after all she is comfortable enough with him to ask him to be a model for her), and offers to protect her (I love how pleased he is when she offers him the painting and then offers to pay by protecting her. He really has a protective streak. Of course then he has to make the crack about lending her his body heh), but more importantly, he helps her grow a spine (I love the scene where he's exposed the molesting teacher and he walks by her and tells her to give him five and asks her 'isn't it fun to strike back?' and she smiles). I just love that they are two people neither of whom is great dating material (I'd stay far away from either) but who really work for each other.

This is sort of a tangent but I love that while their problems get better with each other, they never truly go away. Neither of them will ever be "normal." It's an oddly realistic take on trauma wrapped in a manga wrapper. It's the same with the narrative about their parents - both of them have been horrifically abused by their parents/parental figures (except for their fathers who just died) and I love that none of these parents magically transform. Ling's mother tried to murder him (and even if it was a product of mental illness, that is still not good in the least) but what really is interesting to me is the unflinching way the drama handles the surviving parents. Qi Luo's stepfather was a rapist, a child rapist. When we meet him again, he did not in the least repent, nor did he suffer much. Nor does karma get him. He ends the story still employed, still free, still with Qi Luo's mother - because yes, Qi Luo's mother takes her and runs when she finds out back way when but it's no redeeming narrative; when the man comes back into their life, Qi Luo's mother all too quickly jumps on the "he's sorry" bandwagon (wtf!!! is that enough?) and takes him back because it's hard as a woman alone (!!!!) And Ling's adoptive father does not get better either - he wants Ling in a certain mold or not at all. He is willing to hold his life hostage (and I do mean, a jail term etc) to get what he wants; it is the same man who had Ling stuffed in a series of far away schools and then eventually a psych ward. But then, the drama seems to say, how realistic would it be that monsters get punished or fail adults get better? I always found it so fitting that at the end, both Ling and Qi Luo are irrevocably estranged from their families - but they have each other and they have their friends and it's gonna be enough.

[rosemarytales]

thoughts on my ttpd first listen

Fortnight (feat. Post Malone): I've been saying her relationship with alcohol was not healthy bruuuh. I love how she takes her life, which the vast majority of her listeners would not be able to relate to, and makes an "understandable" metaphor out of it. But it must break her to do so. Love Post Malone's voice here, he really compliments her well. THE MV THO with the dead poets <3<3<3<3<3

TTPD: girl go get your lover tf 😭😭😭 whole era dedicated to this muse, incredible.

My Boy Only Breaks His Favourite Toys: getting mad MATHP vibes from the storytelling here.

Down Bad: now I'm starting to really get dragged in the album. The first verse rewired something in me, Idk. also if I speak about the muse... The New Romantics mention, I died dead. Also someone needs to edit kenstewy to the "hostile takeover" bit.

So Long, London: my favourite so far, I am in love with this vibe. It's giving YLM. Also I love the style of the intro, it's channeling the waves in a way, up until this point the album has a very distinct "look" and I can see it so clearly. My real question atp is how are we supposed to just, go on as normal after this album. She is baring her soul in a way she's never done before and it's not a happy soul, so how is just going to go on keeping her happy persona at Eras and how are we going to let her. I think the management is probably gonna make the last songs be happier ones to get back a bit of the persona. Like atp I'm not convinced the 5 stages of grief was her idea and I don't think this mental state is related to a specific breakup or a specific event, this is a cluster of stuff she's been carrying.

But Daddy I Love Him: "growin' up precocious sometimes means not growin' up at all" holy fuck, mood. My heart aches for her, this anger and resentment must have been burning holes through her and people are still probably not gonna see her as she wants to be seen even after this. She couldn't make this pain any clearer and tomorrow she is still gonna have to play pretend.

Fresh Out The Slammer: still breaking these chains!! If anyone at all is listening, there is a Taylor before this album and a Taylor after. Full stop, no going back.

Florida!!!: I LOVE THIS COLLAB I NEED A FULL ALBUM.

Guilty as Sin?: looove the beats on this one.

Who's Afraid Of Little Old Me: "don't you worry folks we took out all her teeth" and the circus life, I am broken. This album is supposed to be her breaking her chains and the general reaction is "what ex caused this". I wouldn't be surprised if she committed mass murder.

I Can Fix Him (No, Really I Can): this song is giving cowboy - Lana Del Rey - old americana vibe and I'm into it. It's a new thing for Taylor but it suits her well, especially with her country past.

loml: feeling the "All Things End" by Hozier vibes. Now that I think about it the whole album is kinda Hozier-y, like very heavy on lyricism, dark storytelling and kinda giving whiskey/soil/heavy clouds. I am obsessed.

I Can Do It With A Broken Heart: girl go to therapy I am begging you.

The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived: THE SOUND!! THE WORDS!! THE TRUST ISSUES!! I love this song.

The Alchemy: psych ward mention in the obligatory football song, I see you, Miss Swift, trying to see who's actually listening. Well, I am.

Clara Bow: Nothing New bridge meets The Lucky One. I don't think anyone wants to be part of the industry after listening to this album, Tay, but we appreciate the sentiment.

The Black Dog: okay MsKingBean89. Also the location, she is hilarious.

imgonnagetyouback: bpdlor shining through, love you queen.

The Albatross: she hates her fans, and she is right. The Matty thing was heinous.

Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus: beautiful song. I don't have many thoughts about it, it's deeply personal for the people involved (like much of the album), and since I'm not one of them I can just say she evokes images so beautifully with her words. She is extremely skilled and talented.

How Did It End?: the sound really captures the image of someone lost in thought at the grocery store, idk what else to say.

So High School: was she sick while recording this?

I Hate It Here: my anthem. me. myself. I.

thanK you aIMee: cute metaphors

I Look In People's Windows: Ebenezer Scrooge-ass anthem (I am crying does anyone remember my "on the glass wall" post, I'm adding this song). I know it doesn't make sense, but to me it sounds like she hadn't been singing for a while and she is incorporating vocal exercises in her songs, Idk why. (like "oh this exercise sounds fun, should insert it in a song").

The Prophecy: oh boy, oh boy, this one hit hard. Like really hard. "Shades of greige" is the perfect way to describe this album, it's rather monochrome and monothonous like sadness often is.

Cassandra: I love me a good Greek mythology reference. Incredible imagery. Bruno Madrigal's anthem.

Peter: yes. yes. this. Peter Pan imagery + Daisy Buchanan vibes, I died dead.

The Bolter: called me tf out. The leaks in the rowboat, my God...

Robin: not crying, you are.

The Manuscript: that's the ending I was talking about. There is no real happy closure, she had to go back 15 years to find a past that doesn't haunt her anymore, that's disheartening. I guess we'll see how this plays out, but I'm afraid she's not all that better. Hope she can take a break and get better soon.

Overall, I loved this album so much. It's everything I hoped Midnights would be and Midnights is in my top 3, so that's saying something. Considering how wordy it is, I think most songs will grow on me even more, looking forward to that.

[autisticbonestv]

WAHH back on my bones watch-through.. just finished the ep where they learn abt hodgins’ brother in the mental institution & hhh. for all the ways this show & even this episode fucks up discussions of mental health & disability,,, fisher’s lines about being in the psych ward & having ppl look at u like u shouldn’t be there even tho it’s helping u kinda hit different as someone whos been there!! fuck man!!

[katsushika-division]

Rintaro's Thoughts on Kanazawa Division

Wataru Sasaki

"Not this motherfucker. When they finally caught me they dragged this guy down all the way from Kanazawa to interrogate me. Let me tell you something he pisses me the fuck off. Sanctimonious bastard.” Rintaro takes a deep breath. “He asked me why ya know.  Why did I do it? He's not the first to ask me that question but he's the first I bothered answering.” Rintaro lets out a barking laugh. “So I told him and I quote. "Why did I do it?  I. Am. Bored. And I want to burn something down. You and everyone else are just collateral. How's that for why?" You should've seen his stupid face! He looked at me like I was insane! Hahaha! Maybe he’s right but I’ll let him know right here and now. Society abandoned me first. Make of that what you will.” Rintaro pauses. “I have another reason why I don't like him. He’s one of the main officers with the Cinder case and has orders to apprehend her.” Rintaro pulls out a lighter from inside his jacket repeatedly flicking it on and off. “He’s not going to catch her. Not if I have anything to say about that.” 

Kyler Aaron

“Huh, an American? I didn't think we had a good relationship with America especially after Tohoten refused to extradite Akihisa for his crime of assassinating the president.” Rintaro whistles. “Damn, I knew the old man was an infamous hitman but the US president? That takes some serious skill to pull off. Can’t say I have anything against this guy but considering he’s allies with the bastard and the bitch well that’s enough to put him in my burn book. I will warn him my burn book is a bit different than the one in Mean Girls.” 

Joey Kurusu

Rintaro snarled at the picture of the blonde-haired detective. “This son of a bitch. He came to interview Touya one day. It wasn't really a concern at the time mainly because all three of us have had people come and interview us in prison. This time it was different because it ended with Touya having a psychotic episode and having to be restrained in the psych ward. It's not uncommon for Touya’s episodes to last a day or two but this one lasted a week.” Rintaro grimaced. “Do you know what it's like to see someone you care about like a little brother forcibly strapped to a bed screaming and crying? It isn’t a pretty sight. Touya eventually came back from his episode but he refuses to say what happened. The old man managed to figure it out and he told me. First, fuck you for thinking Touya killed your sister. Second, do you think I would let Touya around Akari if I didn't know he would rather cut off his own hand than harm a hair on her head? Touya is many things but he's not someone who preys on children.” Rintaro lights a cigarette. “I’m letting Joey Kurusu know right now that he better count his fucking days because he hurt someone I care about. I've committed atrocities for less.”

Justice Shield

“You know I can see Chuohku putting us against them for shit and giggles. Three of the worst criminals in recent history against a team of law enforcement? That's the type of shit that writes itself. Shame Chuohku has a certain idea of who our opponent will be. I was kinda wishing to demonstrate to this team why I got the moniker “The High Rise Bomber”. It would be such a tragedy if the Kanazawa Police Station found itself up in flames.”

[bulldyke-rider]

ok hi imma rant idc idc idc just plz tolerate the mental illness for a min so sorry i h8 sending asks bc i feel like ppl will get mad at me bc i type silly and interacting irl is so much easier for me but i know no one i can say these things to irl. but anyways whoever tf keeps shitting on gnc lesbians can stfu like your gender conforming hettie ass will never understand. it is so fucking lonely and isolating being a masc lesbian (or any kind of gnc woman) i desisted my senior year and ended up in a mental hospital partially bc i knew literally no one like me. like fucking imagine you go out every day and you literally never see a person like you. idk whenever i beat the dysphoria all the way (i am almost there cbt is a beautiful thing) im goin back to my based idc about pronouns era but no one better give me shit for temporarily choosing what is currently the most socially acceptable route for gnc lesbians. like how tf am i supposed to function i get scowled at in public ppl avoid me i know exactly 2 masc lesbians i met one in the psych ward the other im tryna fuck but idk if she’s ghosting me or in court ordered rehab rn soo. im not attracted to feminine women whatsoever it’s so sad bc they are all in love wit me and i can’t even tell my friends im not attracted to them bc they’ll be like “oh you’re lesbian/str8 that means you’re attracted to femininity kinda transphobic to be exclusively into masculine afabs” bc everyone equate woman wit femininity i am so close to being t4t gay trans man istg at least then i’d have a dating pool bc all the masc women transitioned and like it’s understandable like i get it fr i was there too i’m still there sort of. like they did nothing wrong they were just lied to and i’m so sad for them bc like i remember being suicidal bc of dysphoria but like there’s things you can do to make it better i wish i could tell them i wish it wasn’t so fucked up i wish it wasn’t so lonely i wish i had some drugs im too broke rn i wish she would get out of rehab and text me back she’s so hot i just want 1 person who knows and understands but like ughhhh i want gender to be abolished i hate it

plz be nice 2 me ik im weird i just want someone to listen fr 😸

Girl, I hope she gets out of rehab and you live happily ever after

[sa4phire]

You wanna know how I got out of the psych ward fr?

Talking to myself.

I knew they had to diagnose me with something or they weren’t going to let me go. And it had to be something big or incurable because of what that er doctor had said to me. I’m not stupid, I’ve worked in a hospital for years. I knew they were going to send me away when he cussed directly at me in front of multiple people. At least 4. You don’t act so freely unless you know they’re going away for a while.

I told the ambulance driver. [ kinda deja vu moment because I told my guidance counselor the last day before spring break 2020 that there was going to be a massive pandemic unlike anything we’ve ever seen before. right before COVID touched down in the USA and went live.] anyway my bad I told the ambulance driver to let me go because they were going to try to keep me there, I told her everything. She was like I would let you go but I will lose my job and I can’t. So I went 🙂

The bathrooms were micd up so I’d just talk to myself. If they wanted me to be praying [had me reading an antisemitic book.] I’d be praying in the mirror. But I’d look directly in my own eyes so I wouldn’t go insane. I would not believe any of the bullshit they were shoving down my throat.

Forcing us to deadname Sam, being horrible to the Asian mother who was there because her husband wouldn’t help with the baby and she had fallen asleep holding her child. Having to look a man who’d shot himself in the eye years ago during my meals. Having Travis piss in his shoes outside my room and try to get me to come out and sing. They did nothing. Even when he stole all of my clothes.

I spoke to myself as I always have. I looked myself dead in the mirror and I would mouth words to myself to stay strong. I sang every fucking day. I sang in the phone with my mom when I could reach her.

I cannot even begin to tell you how horrifying it was being in there with the man who sexually assaulted me and tried to blame it on my mental illness. The way they were all watching me when my friend, the Asian mother, told me the same man made her uncomfortable. Having to tell her to be quiet about it. Forcing myself to deadname Sam so that they would let me out.

Having to pretend like I forget every single persons’ name except for one person. Because we shared a name. Having everyone turn on me because they threw out three of the patients because of me. Having Miss Berny look me up and down in the hallway and ask me if I wanted a jacket. If you took your blanket out of your room, it meant something. They kept us in longer if we wore it out but they kept it so cold it was unbearable. She gave me a sweatshirt. No hood but it was so warm. I wore it home. We traded clothes that day. She knew I had nothing and everyone hated me but she helped me.

Cutting an old woman’s hair and suing HER when her family refused to pick her up. She had no glasses. She was mean to everyone. But I helped her read the fucking summons and I had to keep my cool in front of 8 other people. Having to read aloud the name of the hospital v her name in front of a fucking crowd.

I had to go against myself. I had to lose all sense of being when it came to the outside world so that they were convinced enough I didn’t remember what they’d done to me and the others. How they sedated me against my will after I got down on my hands and knees in the middle of that hallway while I was hallucinating because of the medications they gave me. I thought my arms were broken. I thought my ankles were broken. Instead of helping me back to bed, a man yanked me up by my arms and three others grabbed me from all sides and they threw me face first onto my cot and they pulled down my pants to sedate me. They took away my roommate so no one was there to witness. I didn’t fight. I went limp in their arms when they carried me, I swear on my life. The woman who held my right side, when I let my head fall on her because I went completely limp and didn’t hold myself up at all, she screamed that I tried to bite her.

There was no way I was ever getting out unless I faked amnesia because of how high the doses were. When I got out, I went to multiple doctors and asked them about it. They told me that’s the amount they prescribe to patients on the medication for more than half a year.

They tapped the phones in the social workers office so that if I tried to call my mom it rang inside the office. They made it to where all the patient phones had blocked my family’s numbers. I had to act like I didn’t think anything about it. Even though no one was coming for me.

Turns out. My mother in law got wind of what had happened to me. That I was in there by myself 2 hours away from anyone I even knew. Two states away from my mom no less. She chewed my mom’s ass out. She said she was a bad fucking mother. To get me out. This woman, who I never quite knew or felt like she liked me, was the one who fought for me.

So yea. I talked to myself. Every day. No matter what, I kept a log of everything I could remember running through my head at all times so that I could keep my mind strong because of those fucking drugs.

Pro tip: understand that maybe talking to yourself isn’t that bad.

[scarlettcharitybaker]

FUCK PSYCH WARDS

Fuck psych wards

And the fucking quack of a psychiatrist

Who misdiagnosed me with Bipolar one

With Bipolar in general

And I should fucking report him

He should be FIRED

This motherfucker didn't listen to me either

And took me off Prozac

Putting me on fucking Latuda

Which was a med

I wasn't sure about being on

And I didn't really have any good feelings about either

Especially when I preferred Prozac anyways

Fuck psych wards

And fuck this stupid man

He's a fucking quack

By the way, he can go to hell

For all I care

He's a fucking quack

Fuck psych wards

And this dumb bitch of a nurse practitioner

Because she wasn't any better than him

She pissed me off A LOT

And she has very bad bedside manners too

Yet I'm not the only patient

That she's been a bully to

When she has bullied other patients

It's not just me

And she's also made them literally cry

The doctor and the nurse practitioner

They both put me on two antipsychotics

And it made me experience involuntary muscle movements

Then she had the fucking audacity to blame me

As if it was my fault

And it wasn't their own fucking fault at all

As if I could help it

And somehow I'm doing it on purpose

In her fucking mind

As if I was doing it for "attention" Because she's a stupid fucking cunt

When they're the ones

Who put me on those stupid medications

In the first place

It wasn't me

This bitch had the audacity to ask me

Where another patient was

As if I should've been telling her that

As if it's any of her business

When it's not

It's probably a HIPAA violation

And after telling her where this certain patient was

Which I should've never done that

She said if I ever acted out or whatever

She knows what it is - it's manipulation

Like no the fuck it is not

And she would send me to another unit

And not to mention

She asked me what I was talking about with my mother

Which was un fucking professional

Also she got after me

For coming back to the psychiatrist

To deal with my "issues"

Saying it's not the place for that

Even though it kinda is

And she said she knew

That I'd get triggered by going

To my sister's baby shower

Because there was a two year old girl

Who was screaming at the top of her lungs

Who wouldn't shut the fuck up

And her mother wouldn't shut her up either

Like no you fucking didn't

Also the fucking psychiatrist told me

That I could've gone outside or something Fucking leave me alone

And I wanted to enjoy the fucking baby shower

You stupid fucking quack Fuck psych wards

And fuck this stupid quack Fuck psych wards

And fuck this stupid cunt

Fuck psych wards

And their stupid fucking rules

Fuck those, fuck them

The way they treat their patients

It's fucking appalling

Fuck psych wards

And the fact that you don't really have any fucking rights

Even if they say you do

They're a bunch of fucking liars

Fuck psych wards

[embracesufferdestroy]

Journal

Irt the tags on my previous post: I have always struggled with reality/memory issues, of course. A lot of the time, especially when I was younger, like maybe 11 or so, I had this very strong feeling that I was lying about or exaggerating the things that were happening to me. I wasn't sure how to convey my feelings to my parents, so I basically just said something to the effect of "I'm a liar. I think I'm lying to you." And man, they held onto that for years. Any time I had a concern they would just tell me I was lying because I "admitted" to it.

Years later I was in a psych ward at 15. I had a complete nervous breakdown. I couldn't handle the stress of my own traumas, school, or what was going on in my head. When I was in there they threw the DSM-5 at me, diagnosed me with everything from bipolar to depression with psychotic tendencies to anxiety/general nervousness. They had me on 3, 4, 5, I can't even remember how many medications. It completely screwed with me, and I'm convinced that all that medicine permanently fucked up my brain chemistry in some way.

I don't remember much of my time there, but I did learn in my 20s that particular ward was shut down due to malpractice, which didn't surprise me. They were overloaded with patients, all the children were mistreated. They were over sedating 5 and 6 year olds. The youngest boy there was 3. They would keep the patients, children, away from their parents by moving them throughout different facilities without their knowledge. The final thing that got them investigated and shut down, I don't even really feel comfortable saying. I just feel really bad for the poor girl, and I think about her so very often. The nurses were straight bullies and my therapist, she did not like me. Whenever I couldn't speak, which I'm now assuming Alice was fronting back then (makes sense - that place was awful, triggering, and stressful) she would get mad at me and say I was being uncooperative & that if I couldn't share my traumas I didn't deserve to be there. If my stories or memories or feelings ever changed, she would call me a liar and accuse me of making things up again.

All that is to say at 15, I was called a liar again & a therapist reinforced this with my parents, which made me feel utterly helpless. I was somehow a liar, yet I was forced to be on several medications and had a litany of possible diagnoses. I felt like I went more nuts in there than when I went in. Afterward my parents made a point to make me feel guilty about ever needing to be there in the first place. Despite knowing everything I went through as a child, they didn't think I needed therapy at all and that I was making all my symptoms up. They completely took me off of everything cold turkey when I was 17, claimed I didn't need it. That sent me on a downward spiral that took a while to recover from. My parents took a lot of missteps when it came to dealing with my issues, and while I don't hate them for it now, I have never forgiven them.

I hated my parents a lot during this time in my life, I felt that they didn't care about me, and sometimes I still think they don't care. I have a better relationship with them now, and I am pretty close with my dad. I just don't think they understood me or knew what to do with me. It was much easier to declare I was some kind of attention hungry hypochondriac than to come face to face with the fact that I was screwed up, and that they screwed up by putting me in that ward in the first place

I also feel the need to clarify that my bio parents are divorced. My mom, the one I was raised with up until I was about 11, was the one that caused all my trauma. I haven't spoken to her in years. My parents, on the other hand, are my dad and stepmom. They are better people, and not malignantly abusive, but due to a lot of circumstances they were just kinda neglectful. The only reason I went into therapy in the first place is because I had a panic attack so bad in the gym I actually passed out & ended up at the hospital. I hate hospitals.

[self-loathing-angel-of-thursday2]

Beautiful Spouse’s Rewatch Thoughts SPN 07x17 The Born-Again Identity

“It’s like a buttercup for your butthole - the fudge pop” “Were they trying to get themselves canceled with all these dick jokes?” “Is this about magicians? That guy looks like he’s from Vegas” “I’ve been there. It’s rough” “Maybe the drugs aren’t illegal” laughter “what the fuck” “I used to hate Lucifer so much, but he’s growing on me” “Oh yeah” “like 12 days. Oh close enough” “what the fuck” then laughter

“A locked floor? Does that exist?” “What’s up with the psych wards always being shitholes?” “Imagine trying to eavesdrop on this conversation as a doctor. Dean’d get locked up too” “ice summit beer” “I think they were talking about coors light. The mountains are blue so you know it’s cold’ “She likes a man who can swallow” “Why would he want to kill Sam, though?” “Or is he just trying to get him to say yes or something?” “I don’t know what’s going on” “Goddammit. I’m eating cheese over here” “oh hello” “All red heads in psych wards are trouble” “wouldn’t that be what’s weird about him?” “Way to scare the hottest chick in the psych ward off, Sam” “grippy socks vacation” “He should have seen that coming” ASS

“Oh my” “The fuck is going on? We haven’t seen him in like a year” “Hello. I’m the blue-eyed devil” “hmmm” “I don’t think my eyes are even that blue” “yeah little susie” laughter

“This is fkn awesome” “I feel like I was way more annoyed with Lucifer the first time around” “You do get sick of Lucifer after a while” “Why is he lighting firecrackers? Why not use the little popping things” “I feel like they wanted the one thing but had the other thing and just went with it” “I’m super confused” “Cas is dead? Did they reuse Misha?” “what the fuck” “oh sure. That’s where I go to find naked men” “Does anybody feel like a bad person?” “That’s what they all say” She’s got really pretty hair for being in the psych ward

“I’m waiting for her to show off those knee-high grippy socks” “kinda fucked” “Does Dean not recognize Cas?” “This dude”

Dude, Dean recognizes Cas, but Cas doesn’t recognize Dean

“I’m starting to get that from his eyes”

“Shot for Cassiano” “Pucker up buttercup” “He told Cas to sit tight so the angel is the buttercup. Dean is the fudge pop” “Don’t get cocky. That’s how you lose your knife” “What’s the big reveal here?” “Her voice is so cool” “kay” “Don’t yank too hard. You might stab yourself” “Oh he’s not gone” “She’s a different flavor” “Do we ever see what Cas sees?” “These are some rubber boat shoes dude” “She must be wearing some shit of her brother’s? Isn’t it a bracelet?” “This is really funny for 2 psych ward patients to talk about this. Like trust me, It’s a ghost” 🎶weed smoking psych ward🎶

Laughter

Laughter “he’s just like that in real life, too” “being locked up does that to people” “This is some real psych ward shit right there” laughter

“You with me bro?” “He’s five/six days in now? He’s not with anybody” “That’s about how far you get without starting to see that rats and shadow things” “Fkn public school man” “double dipping fudge pop” laughter

“That was a good line. I didn’t pick up on that” “Is the tree topper actually a top?” Dean kept Cas’s coat in every car they switched

“Oopsie” “I mean if it’s dusty, you can whip it out and make a sandstorm. Then you can watch Lucifer dance in a sandstorm” “that’s cool lookin’” “Is he choking down Lucifer or something?” laughter “what the hell” “not really” “what”

[amournoir]

yes, that was Topper who burned John B’s house, my mistake.

“he was never taught to kill yeah, but his dad is literally a serial killer with a hook 😂”

what does that have to do with anything? just because your father killed 1 person, his own friend, doesn’t mean you should learn that it’s okay. ‘do as i say, not as i do’ is a very simple quote that all should know. Rafe never needed to copy his dad.

“so later, when he see a problem ? let’s kill it. that’s not ward’s fault… but kinda ?”

there’s no kinda, it’s either Ward made Rafe kill or he didn’t. no one ever held a gun to Rafe’s head (not as far as i can remember) and forced him to kill or assault anyone. hell if anything, Topper tried stopping him from beating up Pope.

“he made terrible decisions that’s all. all he was doing was for his father approval. & also he is just a little boy having hard times dealing with his life.”

that’s a cop out of an excuse. once again, all the choices Rafe has made are of his own volition. he’s not a little boy & once again if he needed help, all he had to do was ask for it or accept it when it was offered. little boys don’t kill people or commit crimes or assault family members (Sarah & their stepmom).

“he was trying to stop sarah”

by drowning her to death?! i can think of dozens of ways to protect someone without endangering them.

“yea he has psychopathic tendancies but that part of the charm”

what?? no. absolutely not. there’s no charm in a psychopath unless you’re one as well.

@vipersiaaa we’re not going to see eye to eye or even come to a middle ground because you love him no matter what and you’re blaming Ward for the choices Rafe makes on his own. i on the other hand want him buried under the jail or shipped off to some psych ward for years because he desperately needs help. the only moment i thought i could consider feeling any sort of empathy for him was when he was locked in that room with Kie but as they’re escaping on the truck, he quickly and easily tosses the man overboard without a thought. i try and give him an inch and he takes a mile in the wrong direction. Rafe is terrible and that’s the end of it, he’s not a villain bc he has solid reasons to be, he’s a villain for the fun of it + he doesn’t know how to be good. it’s as if he’s allergic to being a decent person who doesn’t manipulate or harm people. so final thoughts, i hate Rafe Cameron because he’s a sociopathic Machiavellian.

p.s — i have nothing against people who like/love Rafe but i do have a problem with people who excuse his actions, choices, and fucked up personality. it’s one thing if you like Rafe but you’re fully aware he’s a shitty excuse of a human vs you like Rafe and excuse everything about him and blame other people instead of Rafe.

someone help me out. i’m trying to see the appeal of Rafe but i simply can’t so tell me, in whatever way you’d like, why do you like Rafe? like what makes him great, amazing, bf/husband material, etc. i genuinely wanna know because i don’t see it 😭 thanks!!