#that man is fucked up in a psych ward kinda way

[cultpastorkevin]

Dependent Personality Disorder, Kevin Day, & the Edgar Allan Ravens

brought to you by an ex cult pastor w/ crippling mental issues

well let’s just jump right into it ngl (also if I miss anything or forget something give me a pass I have amnesia and a one track mind so I definitely missed stuff)

Okay so the whole Ravens always have a partner, never go anywhere alone, if one fails you both pay, etc. I’ve been thinking about this for weeks and I don’t see it broken down and discussed at length enough, so imma try to do that from a mixed personal experience & psychology perspective

The fact Jean, Neil and Kevin have all stated in books and in the extra content that not having that presence next to them was devastating (much less so for Neil okay he didn’t spend fucking years there); Nora has also talked about how Ravens are basically unable to function if left alone; you can’t send them to the store alone or leave them places or expect them to be capable of completing tasks without their other half; TSC reeks of Jean having to learn how to function without a double and it’s gonna be a trainwreck for Jeremy bc how the fuck can Jean be this old and not feel able to have a room on his own anyways—

What is Dependent Personality Disorder?

The DSM-5 refers to DPD as a pervasive and excessive need to be taken care of, which leads to submissive and clinging behavior and fears of separation. It is characterized by excessive fear and anxiety. DPD begins by early adulthood, is present in a variety of contexts, and is associated with inadequate functioning. Symptoms can include anything from extreme passivity, devastation, or helplessness when relationships end; avoidance of responsibilities; and severe submission.

According to the DSM-5, the disorder is indicated by at least five of the following factors:

has difficulty making everyday decisions without an excessive amount of advice and reassurance from others.

needs others to assume responsibility for most major areas of their life.

has difficulty expressing disagreement with others because of fear of loss of support or approval.

has difficulty initiating projects or doing things on their own (because of a lack of self-confidence in judgment or abilities rather than a lack of motivation or energy).

goes to excessive lengths to obtain nurturance and support from others, to the point of volunteering to do things that are unpleasant.

feels uncomfortable or helpless when alone because of exaggerated fears of being unable to care for themselves.

urgently seeks another relationship as a source of care and support when a close relationship ends.

is unrealistically preoccupied with fears of being left to take care of themselves.

Since I only need 5, and I don’t want to bore everyone to death, I’ll just do 5.

needs others to assume responsibility for most major areas of their life

Kevin spent well, basically his entire life having everything picked out for him by others. Exy was chosen for him. Where he lived, when he slept, what he ate and when was chosen. Riko and Tetsuji dictated his every fucking step up until he left. Kevin didn’t learn anything he wasn’t supposed to learn and therefore automatically expected others to do it for him because that’s what he was taught to do. Kevin’s only skill in life is Exy, which means he doesn’t have any other skills (well he does, he just doesn’t think they’re useful or important). Ravens are taught to be dependent on each other because without each other, they’re not whole or a person; they’re dehumanized until they begin to assign responsibility to someone they think is more equipped for it, is better for it, which is usually an authority figure (in this case, those figures are Riko and Tetsuji). Tetsuji knew exactly what he was doing by creating the psychological mindfuck of an inter-dependent group that is the Ravens. He took a bunch of young adults, gave them a god, and then helped that god beat them into numb dissociation until they couldn’t think for themselves and were even afraid to.

has difficulty expressing disagreement with others because of fear of loss of support or approval

Reminder that DPD is prevalent in people who have been excessively abused and it’s also characterized by extreme anxiety. For people like Kevin and the Ravens, expressing anything other than what Riko and Tetsuji wanted could get them killed; it wasn’t just about being terrified of disapproval or protection, it was because losing anything from the group meant you were gonna get hurt (usually badly). Jean was literally waterboarded for shits and giggles, you think Riko is gonna take someone saying no very well (Neil Josten drove him insane I can tell u that much)? Ravens have a hive mind mentality because a hive mind keeps them alive and safe. Kevin had a hive mind when he was with Riko, and I’d argue he still had the remnants of one when he was with the Foxes. Riko breaking his hand was the only thing that broke him out of it, and even then, it barely did. Kevin only started mouthing off to Riko when Neil (bless his scrungly ass) started shaking Riko’s brain like a maraca. He had someone he could depend on in those situations because, again, Ravens always do things together. Kevin wouldn’t fucking dream of shitting on Riko at Kathy’s show by himself. Kevin spent 10+ years at Evermore with his sanity hanging on the hook of a batshit adoptive brother whose approval or disapproval would dictate if he was allowed to sleep. So yeah, I’d say Kevin had a violent need to always express agreement and do everything Riko wanted whether he liked it or not because the anxiety and terror of not doing so outweighed any sense of self preservation he could have. That ties in w the next one.

goes to excessive lengths to obtain nurturance and support from others, to the point of volunteering to do things that are unpleasant

Riko utilized abuse in a lot of ways; Nora put in her extra content that he had other Ravens rape Jean; imo, those Ravens most likely didn’t fucking want to, but going to excessive lengths to stay within his approval and be safe? Yeah, they were gonna do it. Tetsuji and Riko also make the Ravens never miss practice or any other shit they want them to do, regardless of the state they’re in. Which means you’re going to practice when you’ve been raped the night before; it means you’re going to practice after getting butchered all night by your other half, etc. Anyways; when Kevin works with the Foxes, he repeatedly does the opposite and basically throws a fit if someone steps on court that isn’t in shape to. This begs the eye raiser that he didn’t want those things happening at Evermore, but he did them anyways because his need for approval and the anxiety of not doing so, outweighed the fact he hated doing it. He was so dependent on Riko and staying close that he was pretty willing to toss anyone and everyone under the bus to meet expectations even if they left a nauseating pit in his stomach. Doing unpleasant things for the person you’re attached to is hard, but their praise and approval after the actions erase all previous anxieties, which then fuels a broken cycle of seeking out that approval and continuing to engage in unpleasant actions out of fear of not recieving that pending approval afterwards. It’s hard to explain succinctly the mindfuck DPD causes your thoughts to be like when you have it.

urgently seeks another relationship as a source of care and support when a close relationship ends

Kevin lost Riko. You know what he gets next? Fucking Andrew. I don’t even know if I need to explain this one because Kevin’s dependency on Andrew is so prevalent and excruciatingly obvious throughout the whole series lmao. Kevin ain’t gonna admit it but he relies on Andrew like a starving man relies on garbage (no offense Andrew). Kevin’s duo dependency with Riko was shattered to its core and guess what idiot he latches onto to fill the void? Andrew ofc. I think out of everyone, Andrew is probably the healthiest until Neil comes along (still think it should’ve been a polycule but I digress).

Riko’s obsessiveness and possessiveness with Kevin was crippling to Kevin and left him without the ability to exist without a buffer. Andrew’s apathetic ass and explicit understanding of consent is needed to balance out Riko’s emotional instability and disregard for Kevin’s autonomy. I would go so far as to say it was dependency that forced Kevin to become more independent because Andrew wasn’t going to sit on his ass and wait for Kevin to figure it out or heal. Kevin only struggled into some form of functionality out of what I personally see as a crippling people pleasing need to be useful and that came from being dependent on those around him. He became semi functional (I use this so vaguely bc that man would not be functional in the real world) out of necessity and obligation to those around him, not because he actually healed or processed his shit.

Ignoring your own issues to meet expectations of the one(s) you’re dependent on is stereotypical avoidance and signs of people pleasing and also it’s a trauma response. Kevin quite literally just went “yeah well I have some problems but I’m going to push those aside bc nothing else matters besides Exy” and then proceeded for the entire series to use Exy, Neil, and Andrew as ways to try to avoid his trauma history. He’s kinda insane for that but also I get it, because placing your trauma lower than something else and then in turn obsessing over something or someone helps you compartmentalize and pseudo-function until you eventually snap and have a massive meltdown. Another thing is that when you’re living in an abusive environment you can’t afford those meltdowns. I like think that after all the shit happened in AFTG, Kevin just lost his shit for a period of time because it’s a very reasonable trauma response in victims for once you’re finally safe, you just shatter from all the pressure you’ve been avoiding in yourself. It’s only after you shatter that you can heal, and you can’t do that unless you’re in a space that you’re allowed to. And Tetsuji kept his Ravens in a headspace where they couldn’t.

feels uncomfortable or helpless when alone because of exaggerated fears of being unable to care for themselves

Ngl I’ve kinda already covered aspects of this but I just wanna reiterate what Nora said abt this specifically in her extra content that “Kevin is the one who warns Jeremy he (Jean) cannot go anywhere alone, “we Ravens don’t know how” and “Being able to go to class or the grocery store or the gym without any of his teammates in attendance is just—unfathomable” in regards to Jean Moreau’s transition into the Trojans. This is just kinda, explanatory. We’re talking about college age athletes who have been hazed and abused so much that the idea of going to a class alone isn’t even a concept to them; Kevin explicitly tells Jeremy that Ravens don’t know how to do things. They’re dependent on each other. Kevin is not only speaking to help Jean, but when he says “us Ravens” he’s including himself in that statement because he can’t either and he knows how hard it is to try to acclimate to suddenly being thrust into individuality when you haven’t had it in years. Unlike most of the Ravens, Kevin and Riko (and eventually Jean as well) grew up having that inter dependency made into a core personality trait. They hate each other and they love each other, their failures and wins depend on each other, one can’t breathe without the other suffering for it. At what point does trained and conditioned, and ultimately encouraged, dependent behavior turn into brainwashing and dehumanization until there’s nothing left of you but the one you’re dependent on?

Finally

I’m not saying Kevin Day or all of the Ravens have DPD; but what I am saying is that they have extreme traits at the least of it and it is entirely fucking reasonable to me that at least a few of them ended up with DPD or similar disorders because of the shit that happened to them in the Nest. People forget that trauma and adverse circumstances (especially from young ages like Kevin and Riko and Jean) can cause you to develop disorders or even mimic symptoms of disorders because those traumatic events caused reactions that are disordered behaviors. I feel if anything is to be nitpicked, it’s Kevin’s absolute bitchiness, because god he can be an asshole, and someone somewhere could argue because he has that antagonistic streak, DPD is entirely out of the question.

Unfortunately, the dichotomy exists of knowing when you can be bitchy and maintain submissiveness. Kevin probably learned where and when and to what extent he could tow that line when he lived in the Nest, whether it was taking out his anger and his anguish on other Ravens, on the court, or on the Foxes when he moved over. In my experience, my own explosive anger issues had to be portioned out, I had to know who I could do that to, be like that with. When and where was the correct time to lash out and when I was gonna get hit for it. Kevin isn’t stupid, he knew what Riko and Tetsuji were like. He also knew he had the upper hand in the power dynamic over the Raven’s on court. If he went for blood out of anger during practice, triggered by if Riko hurt him too much or took too much from him, other Ravens just had to take it, or worse, probably were encouraged to encourage the brutality.

All in all, I think Tetsuji created an absolute fucking labyrinth of a psychological warzone that both forced submission and rewarded dominance; it left lasting behavioral traits and triggered disorders that crippled Ravens, some for their entire lives. I wanna bet probably no former Raven went to therapy; the ones that got divvied up after the Nest closed probably were required to by their new teams, and they probably are the only generation that maybe were able to heal from it. In the extra content, Thea decided because Kevin could play again, “no harm no foul” on Riko’s end. If that’s not hivemind, culty, worshipper behavior, idk what is. That’s not a normal reaction, but it is a conditioned one.

[oniraki]

Broken into fractures

Pairing : Simon "Ghost" Riley x Reader

TW : Mental health, Psych ward, mentions of : self harm, suicide wishes/attempts , severe trauma (both Simon and reader), dark themes , angst, hurt/comfort , swearing , nicotine and psychiatric medication/sedation use - maybe too much tagging but it's better safe than sorry I guess?

AN : inspired by all the fantastic artists and writers here I gathered the courage to try and write something up myself. Hope I don't mess shit up .. please have patience with me for I really don't know what I am doing right now (and English is not my first language..)

"you're in time out Mr.Riley.." his psychiatrist says in a hushed tone, making Simon's head throb painfully. He does not like that bawbag of a man with his silly round glasses and his pathetic attempts to comb his hair in a way, that would hide his growing baldness. Simon tries to focus on Doc.Hershal's words but instead his eyes are glued to a coffee stain on the man's button down.

"Mr.Riley do you even pay attention?" A grunt is the only response that so called doctor gets out of him. The man sighs. "You hurt another patient, Mr.Riley.." he tries again and Simon chuckles hoarsely. "I'm well aware of that. He had it coming for some time .." - "You broke his nose." The doctor states more urgently, observing Simon's features as far as possible, since half of his face is hidden behind a black scarf.

"Fucking hell..should've broken his neck instead." Dr.Hershal shakes his head. "We have talked about this plenty of times, didn't we, Mr.Riley? This is no healthy way of coping with your feelings. This is unacceptable behavior above all of it. Every patient has a right to be here, to heal and to be safe while doing so"

Simon could feel his blood boil, hear it rushing through his whole body. Safety? He was talking about safety after all, that happened earlier that day? "Where was her right of safety when that fucker had his hands all over her...?!" The psychiatrist nods "I have heard about the incident. But that does not justify your aggressive behavior. That was something to be dealt with by the hospitals staff, Mr.Riley."

Incident. The nurses should've handled this. "And still nobody showed up fast enough to put her out of her misery, for fucks sake!"

His heart was beating way too fast, his bruised hands shaking in his lap. Knuckles cut open from that other man's broken teeth. He felt no shame, no regret. He'd do it all over again. Do anything to keep you safe, to protect you from harm. Even if it ment that he had to be locked up here longer than he had anticipated.

He'd do it for you.

Anything..

_______

The light was nearly blinding you as you crossed the threshold of the door, leading to the cage on the hospitals rooftop. You've never been entitled to garden privileges, going out alone and wandering around the paths between old trees and decorative bushes. You couldn't be trusted, the nurses always explained with that sorry, kinda pittying smile on their faces. You'd be a danger to yourself, they'd argue. Couldn't risk you hurting yourself, fulfilling your death wish..

The cage was just a sorry excuse of a garden. An area with fake grass and plants, some benches, secured by a Chain-link fence.. but it was your only escape from the sterile and sad gray walls of the ward, crushing you between them until you couldn't breathe. Closing you in, never letting you go. The flickering of the neon lights, the squeaking of the linoleum floor. Cold,blood sucking fingers that had a hold of you. Everything designed to torture and torment you furthermore.

The only way for you to leave that place was in a body bag. That much you were sure of.

"Hey scare-bear.." you whispered as you let yourself slump down on the fake grass next to Simon. He didn't even flinch or look at you at your sudden intrusion of his space. Not even when your head was leaning against his biceps. No words or sounds left his lips as he fetched a cigarette out of the box, lighting it up on the one he was smoking and then offering it to you. You stayed in comfortable silence for a smoke or two. Simon could feel the tension leaving his body, how his shoulders relaxed more and more with every passing minute. You were here. With him. Not in the observation room with that big window, directly connected to the nurses office. Not sedated and fixated. Not alone.. never alone, as long as he could impede it.

You sneaked your arm around his, your hand engulfing his with featherlight touches. The nurses patched him up properly after his emergency session with Hershal.

"'m sorry, love." You could feel the vibration of Simon's voice. Calming and soothing as a lullaby. He still didn't look at you, instead he kept his gaze on the sundown, throwing another cigarette butt off of the roof. "nothing to be sorry for, Si. It's my fault they relieved you of all of your privileges.." you murmured kinda dejected, petting his hand ever so lovingly.

Simon huffed, shaking his head eagerly, nearly making his hood fall down. "I'd trade every fucking, meaningless privelege if that's what it takes to keep you safe. Stop acting like it was your fault. You didn't ask him to touch you.. should've killed that bastard the second he tried to get close to you the first time."

Your movements stilled for a long moment until you released a breath you didn't know you were holding.

"they all told you to stay away from me, didn't they...?" Your voice was merely anything above a whisper. Simon only grunted in response. "As if that's ever going to happen. Nothing can stop me from being near you, little gremlin."

"but what, if they're right, scare-bear?" You ask, now avoiding his gaze that lingers on your face. "What if.. I'm no good for you? Making your condition worse..?" You thought intensely about it for the last couple of weeks. Simon used to make progress, used to get better.. at least until you came along. Certainly it hast to be your fault. "Is that what they believe or what you believe?" He snapped at you, hating himself for the harshness in his voice immediately.

You heard the night nurses whisper about you and Simon. About you being a liability to him. Stopping his progress, pulling him down into your dark abyss.

Your mind began spiraling again.

"I need words, love. Talk to me.. don't shut me out. Not again.." he demanded softly, freeing his arm out of your grasp. He'd leave you, right ? Because he realized how much of a burden you were.

But instead of getting up and leaving he placed his arm around your shoulders, pulling you into him gently, as if he might break you.

But by now your thoughts and emotions were cutting too deep, pulling you into a kind of headspace where'd you go nonverbal ..

Burden. Threat. Liability. Rotten heart and soul inside a useless, broken body. Not good enough. Not loveable.

Why can't you finally die?

" 'm here, lovie. I got you." He whispered into the crown of your head. "It's okay not to be okay right now. We'll get through it, together."

Oh how you just wanted to believe him..

[ethereal-multiplicity]

I haven't talked to Loki in months... and I kinda abandoned him because of depression (not kinda, I yelled at him to fuck off and haven't talked since)

I wanna get back into working with him, and I think he's been reaching out.

But first, I need to vent about him. I think one reason I got angry and protective over myself is because my toxic ex tried to gaslight me that Loki was dangerous...

They asked me why I was working with him... I said for trauma healing, telling them what a wonderful deity Loki was to be around. Loki is so fun and comforting.

They proceeded to tell me that Loki was dangerous, he killed another god, every god hated him, etc.

And like. That shit offended me to my core. That ex was a skeptic who only worshipped a specific Norse God, and they have the audacity to tell me that I am in danger because I worked with Loki.

I told them that more commonly worshipped gods have done more fucked up stuff than what Loki has ever done. Just look at the Greek Gods, shits a mess.

I also told them that the stories of the gods hating Loki happened after Christianity got ahold of him. The gods trusted Loki, they went to him for unconventional solutions when their plans failed. Loki is a good man, he had the imagination to think outside the box, and that's why the gods loved him until Christianity started infiltrating Norse Mythology and turned Loki into a hated, comic relief "character", who everyone despised. They made him akin to the Devil for easier conversion.

I also explained to them that Mythology is exactly that. A myth. Humans made these stories up to better understand their gods.

Either way, we had a long "playful fight" and at the end they were basically telling me whatever, just don't worship him.

And I think that conversation stuck with me. Even long after we broke up and I found out they are a manipulative bastard who is probably gonna be a sex offender in a couple years, I still had that underlying belief that, maybe I was unsafe with Loki. After all I went to a emergency psych ward for a 24 hour hold after letting him destroy what he saw fit in my life.

So anyway, this post is an explanation and apology to Loki. I am sorry for yelling at you and thinking that I was unsafe around you. I'm sorry that I let myself take advice from a skeptic who has never had any sort of divine relationship.

And I know everything you ruined was for the best. You caused as many fights between me and my family, so I would go to the psych ward and have a spiritual awakening. You made them almost abandon me so they could get smacked in the face with self reflection and I would be free.

You saved my life. I am not overexaggerating, you and Lord Lucifer are the reason I am still alive. Your the only masculine deities that I truly view as my parental figures.

You are amazing Loki, please continue teaching me how to sparkle ✨️❤️🐎

[boywifesammy]

s5e11 sam, interrupted is THE EPISODE. it’s a fucking cinematic pipe bomb. watching it is like chewing on glass and swallowing propane. it is wonderful, it is amazing, it is EXCRUCIATING and i love it. allow me to explain.

(under the cut because i ended up rambling lol)

like, yes… it is extremely ableist. it is extremely offensive. it is an overdone harmful caricature of psych wards and horrific to watch but that is EXACTLY what makes it so good. i’ve never seen spn as a horror show but man this episode?? the psychological distress of it, the unease, the dereality??? it has me frothing at the mouth.

as someone who has tics and PTSD i have first hand experience being labelled as Crazy so that’s the lens i’m coming at this from. this episode is most definitely not a reliable source for mental health info but the way they portrayed martin’s character kinda got me. him stuttering over certain words, his general paranoia, how they clearly address that he went through a deeply traumatic event but that he’s still useful as a hunter even though he can’t do the things he used to before. i don’t think the writers intended for this episode to be viewed the way i did but man i am shaking it around in my cranium like a snow globe.

just the first few minutes of it is insane. dean acknowledging that sam was high on demon blood and that the apocalypse wasn’t his fault. seeing the absolute absurdity of the show in perspective with real life. dean admitting to his psych doctor that he's an insomniac, alcoholic, and incapable of holding long-terms relationships with his usual blase nonchalance, then immediately clamming up when she hits him with the "let's talk about your father." ??!!! i know dean is The daddy issues character but i love when they call him out like that.

and how can i Not point out the blatant assault and objectification… wendy forcefully making out with both sam AND dean. them both getting probed by the fucking monster of the week not even 10 minutes into the episode. SAM BEING TIED DOWN. i cannot explain to you how much i love seeing him restrained. the moment i saw sam tied down and angry i literally vibrated out of my skin that boy must be helpless and restrained more often it is beautiful.

on a sort of related note: high sam. yes. just yes. the little nose boop. him telling dean I Love You. getting all emotional about how much he cares about his brother. the themes of his autonomy being stripped. him being drugged up against his will when he’s a recovering drug addict????? INSANE.

also one thing that really stood out to me was dean being diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic with narcissistic personality disorder and religious delusions. which, yes, is inaccurate, but seems more like a misinterpretation of his PTSD symptoms. dean isn’t schizophrenic but he IS paranoid and he’s trained himself so thoroughly to weaponize his feelings that even to HIMSELF he seems narcissistic, when he’s really just scared and desperate. he externalizes his self-hatred as this overfed bravado but it’s because if he was honest about how he felt about himself the guy would simply fall apart.

expanding on that note… sam&dean meta on how they react to trauma & grief. dean immediately clams up and becomes anxious and terrified. he shrouds himself in so much false confidence but he genuinely hates himself so fucking much. so much that he just sits with his pain because he thinks he deserves it, while sam wants to externalize. he’s angry and that scares him because of what’s in his blood but the truth is that he has every right to be angry. he wants to be gentle but he has so much repressed rage that it bursts out of him and leaves him terrified in the aftermath. dean on the other hand wants to be angry but he’s so scared and critical of himself that he shuts down.

and the ending. my god the ending. dean telling sam to wrap it up and stuff it down. it’s excruciating to watch because dean’s advice is fucking shit but it’s also heart-breaking because it puts into perspective just how much these boys have on their conscience.

they PHYSICALLY cannot deal with their trauma. it is so awful and overwhelming that they could not function if they remembered it, so they forget about it. they push it down. they hide it away, and it’s so fucking refreshing to have an episode that acknowledges that they do that because THAT IS A TRAUMA RESPONSE. it is quite literally a SURVIVAL tactic. people who are severely traumatized will wipe their memory of traumatic events because they cannot function with it in the peripheral. this is a clear manifestation of sam and dean’s PTSD and how when they’re faced with these problems, their emotions take over and they completely lose themselves, whether that’s due to fear or rage.

the horror of this episode isn’t the wraith. it isn’t the silly little monster sucking out people’s brains. it’s the thing inside you. it is the imagery of these people hanging or with slit wrists being passed off as suicidal because they’re mentally ill. it is the ugly truth of trauma and the ways it twists your memory and self-worth. it is the inherent belief that someone is worthless if they are psychotic or paranoid. it’s the way the episode puts that perspective on sam and dean, shows them what it’s like to hallucinate and drags up their own repressed memories and puts them on full display. it is TRULY horrifying and it is GRIM and NASTY because it is about the human psyche and the horrible ways it can be twisted. it’s a fucking phenomenal episode if you can read the subtext and get past the whole “scary psych ward bad” wrapping.

[chemical-killjoy]

OK, so here's the thing. I just watched the Fortnight video and listened to Who's Afraid of Little Old Me for the first time... I'm having thoughts.

First of all, while I DON'T like Taylor (as will become evident in this post) I can appreciate WAOLOM, because it do be a bop, and the lyrics in Fortnight are (while cringy) also pretty good. Just cause I don't like her doesn't mean she sucks at what she does, just like how some of her songs are good doesn't mean all are or that it's all because of her with no help in penning them.

Next. Fortnight. So first of all, it's incredibly fucked up to be talking about alcoholism from someone who hasn't struggled (and if she has, I retract that statement... but since she hasn't spoken about it, I think it's another one of her metaphors), and the psychward-chic?? What the actual FUCK??? Look, as someone who has been in psych wards multiple times... you cannot be making that shit glamorous. You don't get to show med times, you don't get to show ECT, without some kind of disclaimer, knowledge, understanding or experience. It's not all ballgowns and doctor saving you. It's horrible.

So she's glamourising mental illness. Fucking, fine. Everyone on TikTok seems to be, so fine. But going further with ECT?? For those who don't know, ECT stands for electroconvulsive therapy, and if you're thinking that sounds like electroshock therapy... it is. It's the same thing, rebranded and "tamed". And it's NOT A THING OF THE PAST. I know someone who got ECT done. And while it seems to have helped her, it's fucking horrendous. I'm not going into the side effects or the process, but it's a last resort. Even medically, it's a last resort, it's horrendous. I mean for fuck's sake, I know where people get it done, and I've been there (not to have it done, but for talk therapy). It's not fucking nice! It's not chic, it's not fun times, you don't get black and white film and lipstick. I can't even try to understand why you'd glamourise something so fucked up just for public attention. There's a difference between making things creepy, pushing boundaries in artistic senses, and making some of the worst times of people's lives into a break up song. What the actual fuck is wrong with her?? Also, to reiterate, I wouldn't call it ableism, as much as just fucking horrendous.

Then there's WAOLOM (I can't be bothered to keep typing it lol). Ngl, it's a banger, it's a vibe, and it's kinda relatable through both the trauma and female rage lense that I think she's going for. So, well done with that I guess. But the thing I have a problem with in this... Look man, if that's genuinely how she feels? I hope she gets help. Being caged is awful, and being twisted into a monster, also not fun. I know there was the whole snake fiasco that definitely would've been traumatic, and I hope she's OK and can heal from that. But in the song... it's so fucking self absorbed. Like no. Not everything is about you, as much as you try to make it that way (and unfortunately swifties are making that so). Ngl, the asylum where they raised me part, I mean her dad doesn't sound fun to grow up with if you think about it, but there's more psych ward imagery which pisses me off from someone who hasn't suffered that much!! Like sure, what she's been through is shit, I relate to some of it and so understand, but you can't go around like your pain is the worst in the world. It fucking isn't. At least you can afford the therapy for it Taylor, some of us can't. And the "I'll sue you" part? She literally has sued people for small shit!!

TL;DR: Fortnight video is FUCKING WRONG AND FUCKED UP and I wanna punch her for it and ECT is not a thing of the past, and Who's Afraid Of Little Old Me is a banger, but she's incredibly self-centred and if she actually feels what she wrote in that song I hope she gets the help she needs (/gen)

[drownedinlavender]

Helloooo, so I'm writing a long kyman fic. It's gonna be a slow burn multi-chapter one. I got like a good 1/3 of it down with like a skeleton of events mapped out. Since I haven't been active in any fandom or like written fanfic since I was a teen, I wanted to post an excerpt to kinda test the waters a bit haha I'm kinda shy about sharing stuff but was greatly inspired by a lot of people's work.

Anyway, the premise is Cartman impulsively taking the fall on something and being admitted to inpatient cause of it. This excerpt is when he facetimes the gang to tell them about it. Stan and Kenny are at school during lunch, Kyle's at the hospital (has to do with what Cartman took the blame for), and Eric's at home about to leave.

I'd greatly appreciate any criticism or input! Thank u for ur time 💜💖 ^^)/

"Dude, a psych ward? That sounds pretty serious," Stan looks mildly concerned.

"It is serious, Stan. That's why Kyle's gonna owe me big time when I get back," Eric smuggly declares, "Like sucking my balls big big time."

Kenny sneakers at the brunette still obsessing over a bet they made years ago when they were just kids.

"Man, you gotta lay off the balls thing, Cartman. That's hella gay," Stan drily informs while munching on a fry.

"Hey! It's not gay! It's about humiliation and having power over an individual," Eric offendedly denies, choosing to die on that hill.

Kyle, who has been absolutely seething in the background, finally bursts, "Fuck you, Cartman! I didn't ask you to cover for me, you did that all on your own!"

Eric scoffs, "Okay, fine, Kahl, would you prefer me going to PC principal and telling him I take it all back. That he should take you off the team like he wanted? Is that what you want, Kahl?"

Kyle tenses his jaw muscles as he grinds his teeth. Of course that's not what he wants but is Cartman holding one over his head any better? His eyes flicker to the side as he contemplates for a brief moment. Stan continues eating, staring at his screen waiting for his best friend to speak as if he's watching an enthralling reality tv show. Once Kenny's giggling fit finally subsides, he lays his head on one outstretched arm and sneaks a French fry from whoever's lunch tray is right across from him.

"Fine," Kyle bitterly concedes with a sigh, "but I'm not helping you do anything illegal like murder or whatever. And I'm definitely not sucking your balls," he points at Cartman through the screen.

"Oh…" a small voice utters in surprise across the room from Kyle. The redhead looks up at a shocked nurse half way through the door. "I-I'll come back in a second to check your vitals," she embarrassedly scurries out of the room.

Kyle's mortified face soon matches his hair. "God, damn it, Cartman!"

Kenny practically dies of laughter, not even bothering to hold his phone up right anymore.

"Dude," Stan snorts before cracking up as well.

Kyle hides his face with one hand, trying with every fiber of his being to maintain any ounce of composure he can muster before combusting from rage.

Eric's amused smile warps into a shit eating grin, he absolutely could not be any more delighted by the current turn of events. He obnoxiously clears his throat before continuing, "Very well, I'll leave a legally binding contract in your room before departing, Kahl. Now Kenny," he seamlessly changes the topic.

Kenny straightens himself out the best he can. "Uh-huh?" He responds through tears.

"Wait a second, fatass, do NOT break into my room!" Kyle protests.

Eric purposely ignores his rival, knowing it'll anger him further. "Kenny, my mom says you can use your spare key to clear out my fridge whenever. She's gonna stay up in Denver with some cousin until I'm out. We don't want the food rotting up and stinking up the place so do it sooner rather than later, got it?"

"Seriously, dude?!" Kenny immediately straightens himself out in elated surprise. Woohoo!" He cheers. He knows their fridge is always packed so he and his little sister are definitely set for bit.

"Knock yourself out, dude, just don't let anything rot in there. Seriously, I'll kick your ass if I come back and my house reeks like spoiled ass."

"You got it, bro," Kenny assures with a thumbs up.

"Don't ignore me, asshole!" Kyle's demands only serve to further Cartman's amusement.

"Welp, gotta go pack up some essentials. Don't know how long I'll have to be admitted … but it's all worth it for my dear friend Kahl's sake," Eric fakes sincerity. With a hand over his heart, he winks at Kyle.

"Oh, Fuck off," Kyle rolls his eyes.

"Well, good luck, dude. Don't blow up the place trying to escape," Stan waves goodbye from his screen.

"Guys, wanna say bye to Cartman? He's gonna go do some time at a loony bin," Kenny asks, reversing his camera to show the rest of their lunch table.

"We heard. You guys are super loud," Craig complains before biting his burger.

"Hey! Don't call it a loony bin, asswipe! That's totally insensitive to people with mental health issues. Not cool dude," Cartman condescendingly lectures, doing what he does best, playing the victim.

"Cartman's getting admitted? Dude, that's crazy!" Tweek comments.

"Wait, who's getting what now?" Clyde looks up from his phone, unaware of the conversation going on around him.

"Cartman, dude, he got in trouble again so PC principal's sending him to a psych ward," Tweek rapidly explains.

"Oh," Clyde responds in his usual nasally tone.

"All in order to save Kyle from getting kicked off the team," Cartman adds.

"Don't act like you did it from the kindness of your heart, fatass!" Kyle quickly corrects.

"First it's Cartman, then they'll be coming for the rest of us!" The jittery blond panics.

Craig pats his boyfriend's shoulder. "No they won't, honey, we don't cause the town to blow up every other month like they do."

"Hey!" Kyle indignantly exclaims.

"We haven't been directly responsible for the town's destruction for like," Stan counts the time in his head, "at least a year now!" He defends himself and his friends, receiving a middle finger from an unimpressed Craig.

"L-l-later, Eric, don't dr-dro-dr-dro-drop the soap," Jimmy jokes before offering up his signature smile.

"Jim, that's for jail," Tolkien corrects.

"Aw, we'll miss you, Eric! Don't take too long in the psych ward!" Butters gleefully shouts.

Kyle rolls his eyes, feeling himself getting more and more irritated by the situation at hand. "Oh, for Pete's sake, it's not like he's dying, you guys." The longer these farewells are dragging on, the more he can feel a twinge of guilt spreading throughout his subconscious and twisting up his guts.

"Poopsikins, mommy can't find Mr. Kitty's carrier, do you remember where we left it?" Liane can be heard calling from the background.

"Just a second, meeem!" Eric hollers off camera before getting back in frame and sticking out his tongue with a peace sign, "Later, losers ~ " he sings-songs and hangs up.

"You know …. For someone being sent off to an insane asylum, he seems really unbothered by it," Tolkien points out.

Kyle's eyes flicker down for just a second before choosing to quickly dismiss further analyzing Cartman's reaction to being sent away. "Well, yeah, it's Cartman. Do you really expect him to react normally about anything?"

"That's true," Tolkien immediately agrees, chalking it up to Cartman just being Cartman.

For a brief moment, Kyle remembers the time he was admitted when the town wouldn't believe him about Mr. Hankey but before he can even decide on entertaining that thought, Stan speaks.

"Wow … so he's really leaving, huh?" Stan says more than asks, looking a bit absent minded.

"I guess so," Kenny pensively looks down at the lunch table, head resting on crossed arms. He turns to Stan and forlornly admits, "dude … I'm actually feeling kinda bummed out."

Kyle bites the inside of his cheek. The reality of their current predicament further sinking in.

"Aw, Ken," Stan frowns and pats Kenny's shoulder.

"It's okay, Ken," Butters comforts, patting Kenny's back, "he said so himself, he probably won't be there for long."

"Isn't this a good thing though? Things are going to be a lot more peaceful while he's gone," Tolkien suggests.

"If Cartman gets admitted for the rest of the school year, I'll be sooooo happy," Craig chants in a monotone.

A sniffle directs everyone's focus towards Clyde.

"Clyde, you okay, buddy?" Craig puts down his lunch to fully focus on his friend's concerns.

"We *sniff* were starting to *sniff* get along more *sniff* this year," he powers through a closing throat.

Kyle bites his cheek even harder. Cartman was certainly a lot tamer as of late. Things were finally getting comfortable between the two of them, too.

"He was being a lot c-coo-c-coo-cooler this y-year," Jimmy admits.

The nurse knocks before entering Kyle's room this time. "I'm going to take your vitals again, okay?" She smiles.

"Yeah, sure," Kyle replies before addressing his friends, "I gotta go guys. Stan, can you come pick up my keys and move my car before my parents get back? I have a minor concussion so I'm under observation for a bit."

"Yeah, dude, totally," Stan confirms.

"Later," Kenny mumbles, waving with one hand, his face fully immersed in his crossed arms.

"Alright, thanks, see you guys later," Kyle says his goodbyes, queuing the nurse to begin taking his blood pressure.

Kyle barely moves, too busy contemplating Eric's departure. First, Stan moves and now Cartman's going to be gone for God knows how long? He bitterly sighs.

[dangermousie]

If the first episode showed us how wounded and screwed up Qi Luo is, this ep shows us that Ling is every bit as much a mess. It's such a nice twist that the confident popular "bad boy" is really really fucked up. Not only is he a former resident of a mental institution but he is not altogether all there even now. When his bike is getting fixed and the mechanic asks him why doesn't he (Ling) go back home to stay with his father, Ling says that he's go insane if he moved back in. But it's not all a snarky remark. There is a grain of truth there. And when the mechanic snarks back that he already is crazy anyway, you can see that for Ling, that unintentionally hits home. He is a total seething mess under his cool mask.

I mean, the scene that opens ep 2 is his seeing his image in a convenience store mirror and losing it so so so badly.

I am not a doctor but this sounds sus. This said, it's manga medicine so whatever.

This is here for the pretty...

I'd say the fact that in his mostly unconscious state, he grabs on to her sketch of a mother and child, is kinda a foreshadowing of a lot in their relationship: her bringing him peace and stability. But of course, he helps her quite a lot as well. Not only does he drag her out of her shell (after all she is comfortable enough with him to ask him to be a model for her), and offers to protect her (I love how pleased he is when she offers him the painting and then offers to pay by protecting her. He really has a protective streak. Of course then he has to make the crack about lending her his body heh), but more importantly, he helps her grow a spine (I love the scene where he's exposed the molesting teacher and he walks by her and tells her to give him five and asks her 'isn't it fun to strike back?' and she smiles). I just love that they are two people neither of whom is great dating material (I'd stay far away from either) but who really work for each other.

This is sort of a tangent but I love that while their problems get better with each other, they never truly go away. Neither of them will ever be "normal." It's an oddly realistic take on trauma wrapped in a manga wrapper. It's the same with the narrative about their parents - both of them have been horrifically abused by their parents/parental figures (except for their fathers who just died) and I love that none of these parents magically transform. Ling's mother tried to murder him (and even if it was a product of mental illness, that is still not good in the least) but what really is interesting to me is the unflinching way the drama handles the surviving parents. Qi Luo's stepfather was a rapist, a child rapist. When we meet him again, he did not in the least repent, nor did he suffer much. Nor does karma get him. He ends the story still employed, still free, still with Qi Luo's mother - because yes, Qi Luo's mother takes her and runs when she finds out back way when but it's no redeeming narrative; when the man comes back into their life, Qi Luo's mother all too quickly jumps on the "he's sorry" bandwagon (wtf!!! is that enough?) and takes him back because it's hard as a woman alone (!!!!) And Ling's adoptive father does not get better either - he wants Ling in a certain mold or not at all. He is willing to hold his life hostage (and I do mean, a jail term etc) to get what he wants; it is the same man who had Ling stuffed in a series of far away schools and then eventually a psych ward. But then, the drama seems to say, how realistic would it be that monsters get punished or fail adults get better? I always found it so fitting that at the end, both Ling and Qi Luo are irrevocably estranged from their families - but they have each other and they have their friends and it's gonna be enough.

[autisticbonestv]

WAHH back on my bones watch-through.. just finished the ep where they learn abt hodgins’ brother in the mental institution & hhh. for all the ways this show & even this episode fucks up discussions of mental health & disability,,, fisher’s lines about being in the psych ward & having ppl look at u like u shouldn’t be there even tho it’s helping u kinda hit different as someone whos been there!! fuck man!!

[katsushika-division]

Rintaro's Thoughts on Kanazawa Division

Wataru Sasaki

"Not this motherfucker. When they finally caught me they dragged this guy down all the way from Kanazawa to interrogate me. Let me tell you something he pisses me the fuck off. Sanctimonious bastard.” Rintaro takes a deep breath. “He asked me why ya know.  Why did I do it? He's not the first to ask me that question but he's the first I bothered answering.” Rintaro lets out a barking laugh. “So I told him and I quote. "Why did I do it?  I. Am. Bored. And I want to burn something down. You and everyone else are just collateral. How's that for why?" You should've seen his stupid face! He looked at me like I was insane! Hahaha! Maybe he’s right but I’ll let him know right here and now. Society abandoned me first. Make of that what you will.” Rintaro pauses. “I have another reason why I don't like him. He’s one of the main officers with the Cinder case and has orders to apprehend her.” Rintaro pulls out a lighter from inside his jacket repeatedly flicking it on and off. “He’s not going to catch her. Not if I have anything to say about that.” 

Kyler Aaron

“Huh, an American? I didn't think we had a good relationship with America especially after Tohoten refused to extradite Akihisa for his crime of assassinating the president.” Rintaro whistles. “Damn, I knew the old man was an infamous hitman but the US president? That takes some serious skill to pull off. Can’t say I have anything against this guy but considering he’s allies with the bastard and the bitch well that’s enough to put him in my burn book. I will warn him my burn book is a bit different than the one in Mean Girls.” 

Joey Kurusu

Rintaro snarled at the picture of the blonde-haired detective. “This son of a bitch. He came to interview Touya one day. It wasn't really a concern at the time mainly because all three of us have had people come and interview us in prison. This time it was different because it ended with Touya having a psychotic episode and having to be restrained in the psych ward. It's not uncommon for Touya’s episodes to last a day or two but this one lasted a week.” Rintaro grimaced. “Do you know what it's like to see someone you care about like a little brother forcibly strapped to a bed screaming and crying? It isn’t a pretty sight. Touya eventually came back from his episode but he refuses to say what happened. The old man managed to figure it out and he told me. First, fuck you for thinking Touya killed your sister. Second, do you think I would let Touya around Akari if I didn't know he would rather cut off his own hand than harm a hair on her head? Touya is many things but he's not someone who preys on children.” Rintaro lights a cigarette. “I’m letting Joey Kurusu know right now that he better count his fucking days because he hurt someone I care about. I've committed atrocities for less.”

Justice Shield

“You know I can see Chuohku putting us against them for shit and giggles. Three of the worst criminals in recent history against a team of law enforcement? That's the type of shit that writes itself. Shame Chuohku has a certain idea of who our opponent will be. I was kinda wishing to demonstrate to this team why I got the moniker “The High Rise Bomber”. It would be such a tragedy if the Kanazawa Police Station found itself up in flames.”

[bulldyke-rider]

ok hi imma rant idc idc idc just plz tolerate the mental illness for a min so sorry i h8 sending asks bc i feel like ppl will get mad at me bc i type silly and interacting irl is so much easier for me but i know no one i can say these things to irl. but anyways whoever tf keeps shitting on gnc lesbians can stfu like your gender conforming hettie ass will never understand. it is so fucking lonely and isolating being a masc lesbian (or any kind of gnc woman) i desisted my senior year and ended up in a mental hospital partially bc i knew literally no one like me. like fucking imagine you go out every day and you literally never see a person like you. idk whenever i beat the dysphoria all the way (i am almost there cbt is a beautiful thing) im goin back to my based idc about pronouns era but no one better give me shit for temporarily choosing what is currently the most socially acceptable route for gnc lesbians. like how tf am i supposed to function i get scowled at in public ppl avoid me i know exactly 2 masc lesbians i met one in the psych ward the other im tryna fuck but idk if she’s ghosting me or in court ordered rehab rn soo. im not attracted to feminine women whatsoever it’s so sad bc they are all in love wit me and i can’t even tell my friends im not attracted to them bc they’ll be like “oh you’re lesbian/str8 that means you’re attracted to femininity kinda transphobic to be exclusively into masculine afabs” bc everyone equate woman wit femininity i am so close to being t4t gay trans man istg at least then i’d have a dating pool bc all the masc women transitioned and like it’s understandable like i get it fr i was there too i’m still there sort of. like they did nothing wrong they were just lied to and i’m so sad for them bc like i remember being suicidal bc of dysphoria but like there’s things you can do to make it better i wish i could tell them i wish it wasn’t so fucked up i wish it wasn’t so lonely i wish i had some drugs im too broke rn i wish she would get out of rehab and text me back she’s so hot i just want 1 person who knows and understands but like ughhhh i want gender to be abolished i hate it

plz be nice 2 me ik im weird i just want someone to listen fr 😸

Girl, I hope she gets out of rehab and you live happily ever after

[sa4phire]

You wanna know how I got out of the psych ward fr?

Talking to myself.

I knew they had to diagnose me with something or they weren’t going to let me go. And it had to be something big or incurable because of what that er doctor had said to me. I’m not stupid, I’ve worked in a hospital for years. I knew they were going to send me away when he cussed directly at me in front of multiple people. At least 4. You don’t act so freely unless you know they’re going away for a while.

I told the ambulance driver. [ kinda deja vu moment because I told my guidance counselor the last day before spring break 2020 that there was going to be a massive pandemic unlike anything we’ve ever seen before. right before COVID touched down in the USA and went live.] anyway my bad I told the ambulance driver to let me go because they were going to try to keep me there, I told her everything. She was like I would let you go but I will lose my job and I can’t. So I went 🙂

The bathrooms were micd up so I’d just talk to myself. If they wanted me to be praying [had me reading an antisemitic book.] I’d be praying in the mirror. But I’d look directly in my own eyes so I wouldn’t go insane. I would not believe any of the bullshit they were shoving down my throat.

Forcing us to deadname Sam, being horrible to the Asian mother who was there because her husband wouldn’t help with the baby and she had fallen asleep holding her child. Having to look a man who’d shot himself in the eye years ago during my meals. Having Travis piss in his shoes outside my room and try to get me to come out and sing. They did nothing. Even when he stole all of my clothes.

I spoke to myself as I always have. I looked myself dead in the mirror and I would mouth words to myself to stay strong. I sang every fucking day. I sang in the phone with my mom when I could reach her.

I cannot even begin to tell you how horrifying it was being in there with the man who sexually assaulted me and tried to blame it on my mental illness. The way they were all watching me when my friend, the Asian mother, told me the same man made her uncomfortable. Having to tell her to be quiet about it. Forcing myself to deadname Sam so that they would let me out.

Having to pretend like I forget every single persons’ name except for one person. Because we shared a name. Having everyone turn on me because they threw out three of the patients because of me. Having Miss Berny look me up and down in the hallway and ask me if I wanted a jacket. If you took your blanket out of your room, it meant something. They kept us in longer if we wore it out but they kept it so cold it was unbearable. She gave me a sweatshirt. No hood but it was so warm. I wore it home. We traded clothes that day. She knew I had nothing and everyone hated me but she helped me.

Cutting an old woman’s hair and suing HER when her family refused to pick her up. She had no glasses. She was mean to everyone. But I helped her read the fucking summons and I had to keep my cool in front of 8 other people. Having to read aloud the name of the hospital v her name in front of a fucking crowd.

I had to go against myself. I had to lose all sense of being when it came to the outside world so that they were convinced enough I didn’t remember what they’d done to me and the others. How they sedated me against my will after I got down on my hands and knees in the middle of that hallway while I was hallucinating because of the medications they gave me. I thought my arms were broken. I thought my ankles were broken. Instead of helping me back to bed, a man yanked me up by my arms and three others grabbed me from all sides and they threw me face first onto my cot and they pulled down my pants to sedate me. They took away my roommate so no one was there to witness. I didn’t fight. I went limp in their arms when they carried me, I swear on my life. The woman who held my right side, when I let my head fall on her because I went completely limp and didn’t hold myself up at all, she screamed that I tried to bite her.

There was no way I was ever getting out unless I faked amnesia because of how high the doses were. When I got out, I went to multiple doctors and asked them about it. They told me that’s the amount they prescribe to patients on the medication for more than half a year.

They tapped the phones in the social workers office so that if I tried to call my mom it rang inside the office. They made it to where all the patient phones had blocked my family’s numbers. I had to act like I didn’t think anything about it. Even though no one was coming for me.

Turns out. My mother in law got wind of what had happened to me. That I was in there by myself 2 hours away from anyone I even knew. Two states away from my mom no less. She chewed my mom’s ass out. She said she was a bad fucking mother. To get me out. This woman, who I never quite knew or felt like she liked me, was the one who fought for me.

So yea. I talked to myself. Every day. No matter what, I kept a log of everything I could remember running through my head at all times so that I could keep my mind strong because of those fucking drugs.

Pro tip: understand that maybe talking to yourself isn’t that bad.

[cigarettestreetlight]

Westworld spoilers maybe?? Also drug/ dph mention//

I'm finally trying to finish Westworld now that they want to take it off hbo, which is absolute bullshit and I'm ridiculously upset about that bc honestly wtf? But anyway, I'm now on the last few episodes of season 3 and I'm a little bit confused which is normal for me ig, especially bc the last time I saw the beginning of season 3 I was taking a lot of Benadryl (honestly I still am now, not my best idea) so my memory is absolute shit and I kinda don't remember how I got here. But I'm on s3e6 where William/ the man in black is in some psych ward thing having the meeting with all the versions of him and an old James. And I mean I've always loved Williams character so just seeing all of him talking with other versions of himself is just amazing and so fun, I live that this was even a scene honestly. And yeah, William is nowhere near being a saint and he's fucked up a lot a lot, but I just adore his character arc and just as a character in general. He's incredibly interesting just in the way he's portrayed and his choices and I think he's one of my top 3 favorite characters and god I just love how Ed Harris shows him and oml. I absolutely adore William. That's all, thank you.

[hersheythecure]

.

Thank you for communicating with me. Tha k you for showing me years ago what your suicidal ideation meant. It's your way to tell me we need help. We want the pain to stop.

Reliving horrible moments

Sexuak assaults

Abuse

Emotional and mental abuse

Seeing memories that were hidden from me. My brain is piecing together so much from my time with this man.

All the times I wanted to go to the hospital and he'd convince me not to. I thought he was helping. My brain thinks he was waiting for me to kill myself. All he really did was sit there and observe me. Sometimes he'd hug me and put his hand on my chest so I didn't disappear but mostly just stare. I thought I was too much for him and I'd tell him to leave me. I'd apologize for dragging him into my world. A d he'd say no he wanted to be there. I thought that was love. It was patience. It was wait this out for the bigger payout. I'd what no body said. He was gonna claim we had a suffocation kink and he didn't know I wasn't breathing while fucking me. He would've gotten away with it. We've never used a pillow over my face before. Never. When I told the Columbia county sheriff depot. They said we'll sometimes people do stuff like that as sexual interests. So they would've believed him. I would've been dead. I fucking hate him. This whole system fucking sucks ass. This us how I know there is no God. There is no one coming to save me but me. No one.

Itvwas always just me. Saving myself. If I went to the psychology ward memories would've come back to me. Well if I went to a good psych ward where I felt safe. I would've found out from my brain what was happening. I'm also aware I'm in a tightened state of triggers which can affect the way I perceive and process. I'm glad I've learned what that looks like. I know what's a memory, what's a flashbacks and what's my mind creating scenarios that are plausible. The evidence is the proof. The evidence shows who he is. My body tells me what happened. In detail. When the specific chemical imbalance happens in my body it unlocks every memory of abuse associated with that chemical make up. That has rang true. Atleast every memory that has since been revealed to me.

Childhood memories are locked away. I didn't get those yet. I've walked through teenhood kinda and adulthood kinda. Still many gaps. But as I remember I will journal. Flashbacks are real as fuckkkk and intense.

My job us to allow the stress to come out of my body. Words make them feel like they won't die and be forgotten. So I write for them. Write their pain and show them it mattered. It is real. Like. Fuck.

I just want to hold us. I just wish we had family. A loving and kind and supportive family. That understands mental health. I wish we had more growing up. Wished we weren't so alone. Many people feel this. I wonder if it's at the same capacity that I do.

Remember. We've been getting better each year even though it's still massive. We have yet to process any trauma with professionals. We have yet to begin any treatment due to the fucking politics of this country. It's in all of its systems. It's not your fault. Remember why we fight. We fight to see him grow up. To see him win his first soccer game. To see him smile with his two beaver front teeth. To love him. To hold him when he cries. To encourage him when he's down. To motivate him and pour into him so he never forgets how loved he is when we're no longer here.

I still remember the things my mom said to me. In my moments in the military. Her words would repeat in my mind when I needed them most.

I want to give him as much as possible so he may hear me when he needs me most.

It's going to be okay. We're doing the best we can. I feel our exhaustion.

My brain is overloaded. When I have panic attacks it's not even me. It's not even her. It's our nervous system reacting to the date in time. That's how much trauma can affect the human body. The things you do to people stay with their nervous system. Do fucking better people. Stop being dickheads. Grow the fuck up bro. Go to therapy. Unfuck yourselves.

Okay okay. Breathe. Focus on us. You're upset because people could've been kinder to us and they were not. They hurt our body and our mind. This, anger is comin from that. I'd be angry too. You are valid. Your feelings are valid. I am going to advocate for me. Thank you for sharing.

I see you. I hear you. I love you. I see how brave you've been. I see how strong you are. Let me. Rest and let me. I've got you all. I'm so sorry these things happened to us. I know there's so much more but let's eat the elephant one bite at a time. We want to respect our brains capacity to Harbor us. She's tired. I know you don't have a choice when you come out but let's learn how to minimize while you're here. I believe in you my child. I really do. I've seen you. I know you. You can do this. Muah. Let's start the day. We're going to be late.

[scarlettcharitybaker]

FUCK PSYCH WARDS

Fuck psych wards

And the fucking quack of a psychiatrist

Who misdiagnosed me with Bipolar one

With Bipolar in general

And I should fucking report him

He should be FIRED

This motherfucker didn't listen to me either

And took me off Prozac

Putting me on fucking Latuda

Which was a med

I wasn't sure about being on

And I didn't really have any good feelings about either

Especially when I preferred Prozac anyways

Fuck psych wards

And fuck this stupid man

He's a fucking quack

By the way, he can go to hell

For all I care

He's a fucking quack

Fuck psych wards

And this dumb bitch of a nurse practitioner

Because she wasn't any better than him

She pissed me off A LOT

And she has very bad bedside manners too

Yet I'm not the only patient

That she's been a bully to

When she has bullied other patients

It's not just me

And she's also made them literally cry

The doctor and the nurse practitioner

They both put me on two antipsychotics

And it made me experience involuntary muscle movements

Then she had the fucking audacity to blame me

As if it was my fault

And it wasn't their own fucking fault at all

As if I could help it

And somehow I'm doing it on purpose

In her fucking mind

As if I was doing it for "attention" Because she's a stupid fucking cunt

When they're the ones

Who put me on those stupid medications

In the first place

It wasn't me

This bitch had the audacity to ask me

Where another patient was

As if I should've been telling her that

As if it's any of her business

When it's not

It's probably a HIPAA violation

And after telling her where this certain patient was

Which I should've never done that

She said if I ever acted out or whatever

She knows what it is - it's manipulation

Like no the fuck it is not

And she would send me to another unit

And not to mention

She asked me what I was talking about with my mother

Which was un fucking professional

Also she got after me

For coming back to the psychiatrist

To deal with my "issues"

Saying it's not the place for that

Even though it kinda is

And she said she knew

That I'd get triggered by going

To my sister's baby shower

Because there was a two year old girl

Who was screaming at the top of her lungs

Who wouldn't shut the fuck up

And her mother wouldn't shut her up either

Like no you fucking didn't

Also the fucking psychiatrist told me

That I could've gone outside or something Fucking leave me alone

And I wanted to enjoy the fucking baby shower

You stupid fucking quack Fuck psych wards

And fuck this stupid quack Fuck psych wards

And fuck this stupid cunt

Fuck psych wards

And their stupid fucking rules

Fuck those, fuck them

The way they treat their patients

It's fucking appalling

Fuck psych wards

And the fact that you don't really have any fucking rights

Even if they say you do

They're a bunch of fucking liars

Fuck psych wards

[embracesufferdestroy]

Journal

Irt the tags on my previous post: I have always struggled with reality/memory issues, of course. A lot of the time, especially when I was younger, like maybe 11 or so, I had this very strong feeling that I was lying about or exaggerating the things that were happening to me. I wasn't sure how to convey my feelings to my parents, so I basically just said something to the effect of "I'm a liar. I think I'm lying to you." And man, they held onto that for years. Any time I had a concern they would just tell me I was lying because I "admitted" to it.

Years later I was in a psych ward at 15. I had a complete nervous breakdown. I couldn't handle the stress of my own traumas, school, or what was going on in my head. When I was in there they threw the DSM-5 at me, diagnosed me with everything from bipolar to depression with psychotic tendencies to anxiety/general nervousness. They had me on 3, 4, 5, I can't even remember how many medications. It completely screwed with me, and I'm convinced that all that medicine permanently fucked up my brain chemistry in some way.

I don't remember much of my time there, but I did learn in my 20s that particular ward was shut down due to malpractice, which didn't surprise me. They were overloaded with patients, all the children were mistreated. They were over sedating 5 and 6 year olds. The youngest boy there was 3. They would keep the patients, children, away from their parents by moving them throughout different facilities without their knowledge. The final thing that got them investigated and shut down, I don't even really feel comfortable saying. I just feel really bad for the poor girl, and I think about her so very often. The nurses were straight bullies and my therapist, she did not like me. Whenever I couldn't speak, which I'm now assuming Alice was fronting back then (makes sense - that place was awful, triggering, and stressful) she would get mad at me and say I was being uncooperative & that if I couldn't share my traumas I didn't deserve to be there. If my stories or memories or feelings ever changed, she would call me a liar and accuse me of making things up again.

All that is to say at 15, I was called a liar again & a therapist reinforced this with my parents, which made me feel utterly helpless. I was somehow a liar, yet I was forced to be on several medications and had a litany of possible diagnoses. I felt like I went more nuts in there than when I went in. Afterward my parents made a point to make me feel guilty about ever needing to be there in the first place. Despite knowing everything I went through as a child, they didn't think I needed therapy at all and that I was making all my symptoms up. They completely took me off of everything cold turkey when I was 17, claimed I didn't need it. That sent me on a downward spiral that took a while to recover from. My parents took a lot of missteps when it came to dealing with my issues, and while I don't hate them for it now, I have never forgiven them.

I hated my parents a lot during this time in my life, I felt that they didn't care about me, and sometimes I still think they don't care. I have a better relationship with them now, and I am pretty close with my dad. I just don't think they understood me or knew what to do with me. It was much easier to declare I was some kind of attention hungry hypochondriac than to come face to face with the fact that I was screwed up, and that they screwed up by putting me in that ward in the first place

I also feel the need to clarify that my bio parents are divorced. My mom, the one I was raised with up until I was about 11, was the one that caused all my trauma. I haven't spoken to her in years. My parents, on the other hand, are my dad and stepmom. They are better people, and not malignantly abusive, but due to a lot of circumstances they were just kinda neglectful. The only reason I went into therapy in the first place is because I had a panic attack so bad in the gym I actually passed out & ended up at the hospital. I hate hospitals.

[rosemarytales]

thoughts on my ttpd first listen

Fortnight (feat. Post Malone): I've been saying her relationship with alcohol was not healthy bruuuh. I love how she takes her life, which the vast majority of her listeners would not be able to relate to, and makes an "understandable" metaphor out of it. But it must break her to do so. Love Post Malone's voice here, he really compliments her well. THE MV THO with the dead poets <3<3<3<3<3

TTPD: girl go get your lover tf 😭😭😭 whole era dedicated to this muse, incredible.

My Boy Only Breaks His Favourite Toys: getting mad MATHP vibes from the storytelling here.

Down Bad: now I'm starting to really get dragged in the album. The first verse rewired something in me, Idk. also if I speak about the muse... The New Romantics mention, I died dead. Also someone needs to edit kenstewy to the "hostile takeover" bit.

So Long, London: my favourite so far, I am in love with this vibe. It's giving YLM. Also I love the style of the intro, it's channeling the waves in a way, up until this point the album has a very distinct "look" and I can see it so clearly. My real question atp is how are we supposed to just, go on as normal after this album. She is baring her soul in a way she's never done before and it's not a happy soul, so how is just going to go on keeping her happy persona at Eras and how are we going to let her. I think the management is probably gonna make the last songs be happier ones to get back a bit of the persona. Like atp I'm not convinced the 5 stages of grief was her idea and I don't think this mental state is related to a specific breakup or a specific event, this is a cluster of stuff she's been carrying.

But Daddy I Love Him: "growin' up precocious sometimes means not growin' up at all" holy fuck, mood. My heart aches for her, this anger and resentment must have been burning holes through her and people are still probably not gonna see her as she wants to be seen even after this. She couldn't make this pain any clearer and tomorrow she is still gonna have to play pretend.

Fresh Out The Slammer: still breaking these chains!! If anyone at all is listening, there is a Taylor before this album and a Taylor after. Full stop, no going back.

Florida!!!: I LOVE THIS COLLAB I NEED A FULL ALBUM.

Guilty as Sin?: looove the beats on this one.

Who's Afraid Of Little Old Me: "don't you worry folks we took out all her teeth" and the circus life, I am broken. This album is supposed to be her breaking her chains and the general reaction is "what ex caused this". I wouldn't be surprised if she committed mass murder.

I Can Fix Him (No, Really I Can): this song is giving cowboy - Lana Del Rey - old americana vibe and I'm into it. It's a new thing for Taylor but it suits her well, especially with her country past.

loml: feeling the "All Things End" by Hozier vibes. Now that I think about it the whole album is kinda Hozier-y, like very heavy on lyricism, dark storytelling and kinda giving whiskey/soil/heavy clouds. I am obsessed.

I Can Do It With A Broken Heart: girl go to therapy I am begging you.

The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived: THE SOUND!! THE WORDS!! THE TRUST ISSUES!! I love this song.

The Alchemy: psych ward mention in the obligatory football song, I see you, Miss Swift, trying to see who's actually listening. Well, I am.

Clara Bow: Nothing New bridge meets The Lucky One. I don't think anyone wants to be part of the industry after listening to this album, Tay, but we appreciate the sentiment.

The Black Dog: okay MsKingBean89. Also the location, she is hilarious.

imgonnagetyouback: bpdlor shining through, love you queen.

The Albatross: she hates her fans, and she is right. The Matty thing was heinous.

Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus: beautiful song. I don't have many thoughts about it, it's deeply personal for the people involved (like much of the album), and since I'm not one of them I can just say she evokes images so beautifully with her words. She is extremely skilled and talented.

How Did It End?: the sound really captures the image of someone lost in thought at the grocery store, idk what else to say.

So High School: was she sick while recording this?

I Hate It Here: my anthem. me. myself. I.

thanK you aIMee: cute metaphors

I Look In People's Windows: Ebenezer Scrooge-ass anthem (I am crying does anyone remember my "on the glass wall" post, I'm adding this song). I know it doesn't make sense, but to me it sounds like she hadn't been singing for a while and she is incorporating vocal exercises in her songs, Idk why. (like "oh this exercise sounds fun, should insert it in a song").

The Prophecy: oh boy, oh boy, this one hit hard. Like really hard. "Shades of greige" is the perfect way to describe this album, it's rather monochrome and monothonous like sadness often is.

Cassandra: I love me a good Greek mythology reference. Incredible imagery. Bruno Madrigal's anthem.

Peter: yes. yes. this. Peter Pan imagery + Daisy Buchanan vibes, I died dead.

The Bolter: called me tf out. The leaks in the rowboat, my God...

Robin: not crying, you are.

The Manuscript: that's the ending I was talking about. There is no real happy closure, she had to go back 15 years to find a past that doesn't haunt her anymore, that's disheartening. I guess we'll see how this plays out, but I'm afraid she's not all that better. Hope she can take a break and get better soon.

Overall, I loved this album so much. It's everything I hoped Midnights would be and Midnights is in my top 3, so that's saying something. Considering how wordy it is, I think most songs will grow on me even more, looking forward to that.