#anybody got a theory on what happened to the album?

[blueiscoool]

Connie Converse: The 'Genius' of a Singer Who Was Ahead of Her Time - Then Disappeared

Connie Converse failed to find fame as a singer-songwriter in the 1950s, then mysteriously disappeared without a trace. On the 100th anniversary of her birth - and approaching the 50th anniversary of her disappearance - she's now remembered as a great lost talent.

In January 1961, an unknown Bob Dylan arrived in Greenwich Village with a guitar in his hand and $12 in his pocket, on his way to revolutionising popular music with his poetic, personal songs.

Maybe he brushed past Connie Converse as she went the other way. She moved out of the New York neighbourhood that same month, after a decade of struggling to get significant attention for her own intimate, sophisticated and beautiful songs.

There is a parallel universe where Converse was the one who got the big break, and she is a household name.

At least, that’s the theory put forward in a recent book called How To Become Famous – not a manual, but about why some talented people become successful and others stay in the shadows.

It imagines a world where Converse is "widely known" as "the most original, and perhaps the greatest, of the folk singers of the 1950s and 1960s", who influenced everyone from Dylan to Taylor Swift, and for whom "a Nobel Prize is not out of the question".

Musician and author Howard Fishman, who published Converse’s biography, To Anyone Who Ever Asks, last year, also thinks Converse could have made it big.

"I love to think about an alternate reality in which Connie Converse’s music did receive the recognition it deserved in its own time, and she became a recognised for the musical genius that she was," he says.

"I almost think a better version of American cultural history could have happened, had that been the case."

But How To Become Famous author Cass Sunstein concedes that Converse wasn't better than Dylan. She also faced barriers because she was a woman. And perhaps her clever, melodic and mostly melancholic songs just never quite had mass appeal.

They dealt with subjects like loneliness, promiscuity, quarrelling lovers, and frequenting saloons in the afternoons. It's certainly hard to imagine them really catching on in the early 50s, an age dominated by schmaltzy crooners, folk purists and show tunes.

"She didn't sound like anybody else that was making music in her own day," says Fishman. "And she doesn't sound like anybody else making music now, to my ears."

British singer Vashti Bunyan became a Connie Converse convert after a recommendation from US DJ David Garland, the first person to play her songs in 2004.

"I couldn't believe that they were [recorded] so long ago, it was the 1950s," Bunyan says. "And just to hear her speaking in a way that I would have always wanted to speak was very moving.

"She was completely ahead of her time, and it must have been very hard for her. She must have felt isolated.

"If she had any ambition for her songs, she must have known how good they were, how clever and funny and wonderful they were, and poetic. But other people didn't seem to recognise that kind of genius writing at the time."

Bunyan knows what it's like to have her music "rediscovered" decades later. She released an album in 1970, which has gained cult status in more recent years. She says their stories are very different, but agrees there is an allure to the idea of "the discovery of something from so long ago".

"And how lucky that she was recorded," she says. "Connie was recorded by her friends, and none of those recordings were supposed to be commercially released.

"But it's so wonderful that they have been, that they have been found. And it makes you wonder about all the other people that weren't."

Converse was recorded at the home of one of her friends and champions, Gene Deitch, but she never released any music in her time. She performed for small groups of supporters, but never played a proper concert. She made one TV appearance, but that led nowhere.

Ellen Stekert, a folk historian who was also performing in the 1950s, believes Converse was just "too different" to have "made it".

"I think she was wonderful. I think she was totally out of sequence of any kind of cultural impulse," she says.

"She was self-contained, and also self-isolated. It was too bad somebody could not break through that."

Converse did have her supporters, but any female singer at that time needed to be backed by a man with the right connections, Stekert says. And Converse was socially awkward, and not good at self-promotion.

"Unfortunately, she didn't have much social understanding of things. She did not have a very good rapport, I think, with people.

"Evidently, she had very bad teeth and her body odour also was fairly prominent. And those are two factors in middle-class America that will make sure you don't make it any place."

Converse worked for a printing company and then for the Institute of Pacific Relations. After leaving New York in 1961, she became editor of the Journal for Conflict Resolution in Michigan, and her intellectual activities, and peace and anti-racism activism, were highly regarded.

But then, her life seemed to lose purpose and direction. On 10 August 1974, a week after her 50th birthday, she posted letters to family and friends, telling some she was returning to New York.

She drove out of Ann Arbor and has not been heard from since. Neither her body nor her car was found.

A new life?

"As far as we know, she never made it to New York," Fishman says.

"As far as we know, she never made it anywhere.

"I'd love to think that she started a new life somewhere else, and that she lived more years. But who knows?"

On Saturday 3 August, exactly 100 years after Converse’s birth, Fishman is in her home town - Concord, New Hampshire - for a ceremony to give the singer her first official recognition.

Her music has gradually spread over the past 20 years. So, too, has her story, and the mystery of her disappearance is often the first thing that gets people's attention.

"The unfortunate and darkly poetic thing is that she needed to disappear in order for us to see her," Fishman says. "That was the hook that was needed for us to pay attention to her.

"But what I always say is, don't focus on how she disappeared, focus on how she lived, because her life is so much more fascinating and meaningful, and has so much more to teach us than the fact that at age 50, she felt that she had to vanish."

By Ian Youngs.

[a-slight-disparity]

A theory/prediction

Sooo.... I've been thinking about what might happen in vol 2 of CCCC, because holy shit am I both excited and very very scared. And something that I noticed was that each of the segments in the first volume begin with "C", much like the abbreviation of the title itself. Calamity, Cacophony and Concord. I think in vol 2 there will be a fourth one as well as the intro to Calamity and Outro from Concord. (I mean it could also only be three because there's three sides but-)

I was looking up the definitions of the words and something that I noticed was that only 2/3 were related to music. Calamity is just a disastrous event. So maybe the fourth word will also be unrelated to music as well? I was thinking something like "Clarity" since it goes beyond simply agreeing to stop fighting and actually trying to understand each others' point of view etc. Another reason is because it is like the calm before a storm. Before Calamity. But what exactly is Calamity? I can't be 100% certain, but after looking at some other people's posts and the Q&A with the man himself... it points in a direction that I don't think anybody's going to like.(I mean, other than for angst reasons lol).

............

Are you still reading?

Okay, ermmm. Judging by some of the lyrics, I'm very much leaning towards the idea that Soul will probably die in Calamity or something. Or well, "die". After reading this post:

It made me remember the lyrics for time machine (reprise). Aand correct me if I'm wrong but it would seem like in the very beginning its only Heart and Mind's voices screaming out to stop it, which is followed by who I assume to be Whole telling them that he's not listening. Given that the next album is almost certainly a part of the loop too, I think what might've happened is that after the events of Clarity, instead of wanting to be Whole again, they want to remain separate despite getting along. And one way or another Soul pays the price for this.

You see in the Q&A I got the impression that Mr Jash wasn't entirely sure what to do with Soul, or what he represented exactly aside from his role as a mediator of sorts. However I have seen him being compared to the ego/self of the three frequently enough, which imo makes sense because all he seemingly wants is for them to stop fighting whilst at the same time considering them to be parasites. Ever heard of the phrase "killing your ego"? Perhaps that's what the other two accidently achieve by straying too far from him, causing Whole to eventually reset the loop since he doesn't want his sense of identity to remain "dead"(he probably just got absorbed by the other two if that's even possible).

It's just a theory, since there's always a chance we'll get introduced to entirely new characters and external events which will be a catalyst for the plot. But given the numerous instances of a duality theme in Tallyhall's second album, I get the feeling Heart and Mind will be pretty important. So yeah.

Also Soul rhymes with "toll".

[feedthemadness-sweetie]

Ducky's clubs and McGee's album *sighs* i love these dorks.

[cellarspider]

In which one of my hobbies sabotages another

I listen to a lot of music from the dark ambient and drone genres. Like, a lot. It tends to provide excellent soundscapes, feelings of being somewhere or immersed in a concept through unstructured noise or heavily structured repetition. It's good for focusing. For example, I once happily listened to an album at work, all the way down to the quiet, staticky denouement. ...Which, after five solid minutes, I realized was actually the sound of the ceiling fan over my head.

Dark ambient can often have a deliberate affectation of unease, malaise, or even malevolence. But I usually don't find it to be unsettling. In fact, if combined with the right visual stimulus--trees waving in the wind, a nice vista, a candle flame--it can be pleasantly hypnotic, or even bring on a wild sort of joy, a sort of overstimulation I'm sometimes prone to experiencing. For another example, I once was sent into a wide-eyed, ecstatic state when my commute home from work suddenly revealed the sunset over the crest of a hill... because I was listening to a song called Putrefaction Chamber.* Yes, really and sincerely, this is what happened.

Now, this is all leading somewhere. I'm finally getting around to listening to The Black Tapes today. For those who missed the boat like I did: it's a fictional podcast done in documentary format, where the reporter and narrator gets drawn into investigating a series of cases that a paranormal debunker can't explain. Well put together so far, though three episodes in, my three main takeaways are this:

Dear lord, I hope nobody with untreated psychosis or paranoid schizophrenia found this thing, because I can see how it could really freak somebody out. The first case file seems to have drawn on a common form of hallucination as a seed idea for the story, and did its best to sound as real as it could, and then up the spooky factor.

I'm getting the impression that if they ever ‘interview a biologist’ on this thing, I'm going to find out how dense the meaningless word salad in their 'expert consultations' can get.

Constantly marinating your brain in dark ambient music completely kills the spookiness of episode three. Spoilers for this one below.

The episode investigates a supposed unexplained sound, which the story pushes the listener to assume is demonic or actively harmful in nature. They play a sample of it, with a disclaimer beforehand. Tells you to put on headphones. I've already got giant chunky ones on, so I'm all set. They play the noise, and...

"Oh," I think, "That sounds familiar. Is it Kammarheit? Or maybe Cities Last Broadcast? Or what's that one with the--"

And then I remember that The Black Tapes is produced in the Pacific Northwest, and the prolific Cryo Chamber dark ambient label is based in Oregon.

So now, while the podcast is spinning a conspiracy theory about a sound that kills people, I'm coming up with my own, sillier conspiracy theory linking together PNW audio professionals in a plot to make a podcast.

*I recommend the whole album Putrefaction Chamber is on, and the Cryo Chamber label in general. However, one of the songs on the album has, for Spooky Aesthetic Reasons, the sound of a crying infant in it. If anybody would like a version of that song without the random baby solo, I made my own cut of the track to remove it. I might be into the shimmering sounds of the dark expanse between stars, but I cannot and will not tolerate baby noises, apparently.

[konako]

How about some fluff for once. Inspired by your “I’m your pack” and imagining the others as werewolves. So here it goes.

Snow sits at home, enjoying some mom time with baby Neal and she grabs her calender. Birthdays to check, looking if there is any anniversary coming up, and of course always making a tiny mark for wolfstime. Because Snow cares.

And she realizes that in less than two months wolfstime overlaps with Red’s birthday. And she feels like she needs to pull out some stops for that specific birthday. Snow smiles remembering all the little side adventures she had with Red and what that friendship means to her.

She looks over at Neal and knows without Red by her side through thick and thin she wouldn’t have this family now. A family Red totally is a part of! (It’s why in her head she always calls her Red.)

A surprise birthday party? Lame. No, there needs to be something big. Especially because Snow can feel that Red is… unhappy? Unfulfilled? Restless? Something is definitely up. Maybe because all the people in Storybrooke are coupling up. Even in weird ways (oh, Snow knows her daughter is dating her stepmom… yeah, well, the family tree is already a ball of yawn you don’t want to mess with… this way Henry gets both his moms, so Snow is waiting for them to officially say something).

And then everything comes together in her head and half an hour later she’s at Regina’s.

“Transfiguration is easy. Well, the initial turning, if you know what you’re doing. But reversing it can be tricky. Unless it’s a downright curse, which I guess you don’t want.”

“No, I wasn’t thinking about actually cursing my family to become wolves for the foreseeable future. More like a timed event, a couple of hours.”

“You do understand that even if I can come up with the right potion for this, you would turn into a wolf. Not a werewolf.”

“I’m used to Red being taller than me, so.”

And so it’s settled. Regina is tasked with brewing up a potion that could turn a human into a wolf for a set period of time (give or take ten minutes). Because Snow wants Red to know that she absolutely does have a pack.

After two weeks Regina has something. That in theory should work. Now it needs a human test subject. Snow is all “I’ll do it, it was my idea”, but Charming goes “no, if something goes wrong, it shouldn’t be you, you’re too valuable, I’ll go” and Regina is already rolling her eyes and then Emma can’t take the discussion anymore and drinks the stuff.

It’s really weird, but *tada* wolf Emma. Very light brown fur. And extremely irritated at how having four legs works. There is a moment of tension, because they just debated what if the person isn’t conscious and they have a wild animal in the house. But Emma is only growling, because she doesn’t know better and starts forming sounds.

Two hours later she has destroyed a throw pillow, just because (it’s fun!!), ran up and down the stairs at full speed a few times, found out why ear scratching is a thing (so good), had a sneeze attack sniffing flowers and is very much exhausted. She transforms back after another hour while sleeping.

Yeah, okay, there is this one thing. The potion changes the person, but leaves the clothes behind. Maybe Regina should have thrown a blanket over wolf Emma who was resting her head in her lap, because now there’s a naked woman… oops… Snow grins and turns around. Oh yeah, she knows what’s up.

Emma insists that everybody involved should have a go at this beforehand. Just getting used to these heightened senses and the whole animal body. So when they will surprise Red on her birthday, they know what they’re doing.

It’s good that Charming couldn’t help himself and made a few pictures the first day, because now Snow starts an album. It’s interesting to see the differences in their wolf forms. Like how Snow is jetblack (Snow White is all about white skin and black hair, so why is she surprised now), but also more fluffy than Charming, who has a lean build with huge paws.

When Henry says he wants a turn his moms are hesitant at first. Moms! They want to argue that it’s for grown-ups, but hallo, this is about Red having a go with her pack and he is totally part of that. He wants to show his favorite babysitter that he loves her like family as well. He does regret his insistence when he turns into an obviously younger wolf. At least he has started puberty as a human, so he isn’t a tiny pup, but Emma and Regina are all over how cute he is. Oh no.

The other big debate comes, when Snow says it’s Regina’s turn and she refuses.  Snow feels a bit insulted, what is this now, they are a family and she thought Regina and Red got along pretty well lately. And Regina admits that some days Red is actually the person she likes most, because she is less idiotic than the Charmings, but hallo, what if something goes wrong?! And Regina is obviously very frustrated about that part, because she would actually enjoy having a go at this. (If Snow tells anybody she admitted that it looked like a lot of fun, she will deny that claim, she’s too dignified for that.)

Regina is right (“of course I am”) and Snow thinks the plan through once more. If they all transform at the same time, it shows what a large pack they are. But it would also be over far quicker. And they will exhaust themselves pretty quick. But if they make like two shifts, Red could enjoy some (inferior) wolf company longer and maybe sleep better afterwards, not left hanging with half her energy pumped up to go.

There is another talk Snow has pushed aside as long as she could, but it’s only two weeks left until the day and she finally goes to Granny. Who is, well, her usual sweet self. Snow has understood long ago, that her experience as a werewolf is different from Red’s perspective (especially since she gained control). But there is always a prickly push back about any wolf subject and she can see Granny rolling her eyes sometimes when Red has had too much fun out in the woods or a bit too proudly talks about something she achieved thanks to wolf senses.

Granny is Red’s family by blood, no doubt about it. And at one point Granny was a werewolf, sure. But Snow knows better than to even suggest Granny takes part in this while talking. It’s clear there is much buried pain and trauma. She never controlled her own wolf after being forced into this life. And Granny gives Snow a look about the whole idea, but she holds her tongue, because she loves her granddaughter and with a loud sigh, yes, okay, she can see how this is a nice gesture for her. And of course she will help to set up like a standard birthday party and then get Red to the woods.

Snow, Charming, Emma, Henry, Regina, Leroy and Belle are all in. (a footnote in the text: kinda wanna include Archie and Ashley, they should be there too, right? And if this is my fic timeline where I already sweep Hook under the carpet, is this where Mulan and Aurora are a couple and they showed up in Storybrooke?? Because they would be here as well for sure. Mulan has things to say about returning cursed beasts to human form.)

So the day finally comes and Red doesn’t even think too much about her birthday. Granny said there’d be a little get together with the others and it’s not weird putting her red hood on. She wears it quite often anyway. She does question why Granny is driving her to the woods now though and they aren’t walking over to Snow’s. And then she is just overwhelmed. So absolutely shocked, when Snow presents her with this bunch of friends and what they are gonna do for her now.

Actually out of words, this needs like a long line of thoughts, what would Red even say. Besides “you are crazy, why would you, how can you, what is happening, I love you too”…

Snow drinks the potion first, changes and for a moment Red can just stare. She lets Snow walk up to her and it’s such a reversal. Red has to pet her for a minute. She lets the others change to take in the sight, before she takes of her cloak.

It’s like a weird playdate and everybody is pretty happy with it. Especially with the planning that went into this and getting a feel for being a wolf beforehand. It’s a bit like doing sports for fun, going jogging together.

The last gut punch of the night comes when there is this grey wolf joining them. Not just a grey wolf as in the type of wolf, but really grey fur as in an older wolf. And this one is slightly bigger. It’s the first time for Granny that she is consciously running around as a wolf, so that is weird for her. But this is such a connection to her granddaughter and she could not say no. She had a long talk with Regina about it behind Snow’s back and this evening seeing it all happen changed her mind. Red instinctively knows what’s up and the two take a slow walk together through the woods, when the others have shifted back.

(Remember, clothes don’t change, so awkward hilarity might ensue in the middle of this. Okay, very emotional for fluff I guess…)

[gayenerd]

An interview with Mike when Warning came out that I don’t even have a source for - sorry!

Laughing Off a "Warning" With Green Day 

Bassist Mike Dirnt's green thumb, punk perspective and personal dominatrix 

If Mike Dirnt wasn't in one of the most enduring and influential punk bands making the scene, the Green Day bassist could easily be a hilarious stand-up comic. Instead, he's devoting his insightful social commentary laced with witty repartee to the business (and funny business) at hand -- the band's sixth studio album, Warning. While Green Day's Nimrod and (especially) Dookie humor doesn't seep through in this seemingly ominous album title, it may be because these Bay Area hooligans -- Billie Joe Armstrong (vocals, guitar), Tre Cool (drums, percussion) and Dirnt -- have accepted and submitted to certain rites of passage other than platinum-selling discs. But it's definitely not as ominous as all that. We bantered with Dirnt to gauge the barometer of Warning, life as a prankster punk and his bid for world domination as Armstrong's presidential running mate. What would you like to talk about? Probably not myself (laughs). … It gets you so self-involved and self-absorbed, [that] it makes it difficult to change your perspective for an hour or two after you're done doing interviews. It's not so much narcissistic as it is dwelling. It's like being on tour and coming back and decompressing and acclimating to your home life again, because your surroundings are all about you, you, you for so long, that you need to stop and go home and realize, 'Hey, wait a minute. Other people aren't asking for a lot. I'm probably just self-absorbed still, and being an assh*le for a while and don't realize it.' And you need to take a breath and go, 'OK, how can I focus on the smaller things in my life, like getting up in the morning and making my girlfriend coffee? Or making my daughter breakfast.' And taking the focus off yourself for awhile. I think that's important. 

What's fun to talk about? I'm growing a huge pot plant in my back yard right now. My friend gave me this pot plant and I just left it in the window and left the light on it forever, and it grew and grew and grew, and got pretty big. So then I put it in my backyard just to see what would happen, and I came home and it's f*cking enormous! (Laughs) It's of the superskunk variety. It is nasty. Pretty cool. [My friend] is very proud of me. He said, 'Wow, Mike, that's beyond a plant -- that's a crime.' I smoke pot once a month. I take one hit. So I'm gonna give it all to friends.

No "jurassic monkeys" [joints] for you? Not this year.

Any special reason? Three months before my daughter was even conceived, I stopped smokin' pot and I stopped for about a year and a half, just to clean up my act. After that, it's never been the same. I haven't smoked as much pot ever since. I would hate to think that if she needed me, I was impaired by weed.

Warning seems to have been shrouded in a huge amount of secrecy and I have my theories as to why, but I'm hoping you could provide some perspective. We took a break so as not to hate what we do. We really toured the heck out of the last record [Nimrod] for about 238 shows, and we were like, 'OK, it's time to take a real break -- for once.' And instead of writing in the fashion of, 'OK, let's go in and write the next record and pound it out and pound it out' … [for] the last record we wrote about 40-some songs and then let the songs pop out and figure out what the record was from that … [this time] songs stood out on their own and we said, 'OK, this is the album' … Billie waited for inspired moments. And as a band, we practiced when it was working, and we only worked on the songs that already inspired us … instead of forcing it. We had about 14 or 15 songs, and we were like, 'We're totally ready.' And it was pretty obvious at the time which 12 songs were gonna be on the record. There's the dealio. (Laughs) … As far as the secrecy thing, we will sell no wine until its time. [But] go on Napster and check out a couple songs. (Laughs) I know they're there.

What is your point of view on Napster? I think it's gonna work itself out. Everyone keeps sayin', 'What's the deal?' I don't believe their schtick about 'Hey, we started doing this for poor college students and blah-blah-blah.' Well, first of all, if you can afford to go to college, [and if] you can afford a computer that can actually burn a f*ckin' CD and you can afford to pay the online bill, then you're probably not starvin', OK? When I was goin' to junior college, I was worryin' about where my next packet of Top Ramen was comin' from, OK? So, I don't wanna hear that. But do I think [Napster] is all evil? No. There's definitely two sides to it. I make comp tapes at home (granted, they're albums I've purchased). But when I was a kid, I would buy tapes at the flea market. When you're a kid, the only thing you can afford at the flea market is a tape or a pair of sunglasses. I don't think bands should be made to look evil just because they don't wanna be a grasshopper (hence, The Ant and the Grasshopper [fable]). The other side of that is people don't wanna purchase the record (laughs). I'm not gonna dwell on it. It might hurt you if you've only got one hit [on an album]. [But] we definitely have a full package.

How does Warning differ from your past efforts? I think this record definitely has an overtone of independence throughout the whole thing. I think that we've overcome a lot of adversity. We produced this record ourselves and it has a sense of honesty…. There's an overtone of hope to the whole record that says, 'It's up to you to choose to have hope.' And whether or not most people in the world want to admit that they want hope for their world … they do. If you really don't want any hope, well I have friends who didn't want any hope and they killed themselves.

What are some of the adversities that Green Day has managed to overcome? Everybody thinking, 'Here we are today, gone tomorrow.' Friends [thinking], 'They're becoming huge as a band,' and all of the family turmoil, friend turmoil. … I think the adversity is also that this is a Green Day-quality record. Every song on this record is good. And people giving up on rock-and-roll and punk rock ... [We're] being honest with ourselves and remaining who we are and what we are.

And with regards to remaining who you are and what you are, the band caught a lot of sh*t for "Time of Your Life" because.... … it was such a good song. (Laughs) It's funny, because the people who gave us sh*t about that … obviously hadn't heard our first two records [1039/Smoothed Out Slappy Hour and Kerplunk]. Songs like 'Words I Might Have Ate' from Kerplunk and 'Rest' on 39/Smooth [have] touched on -- what can I say? -- our sensitive side. If you reach into your vulnerable side and you bleed on the plate for people, I think that takes a lot more balls than to just go out there a scream your head off and call it punk rock. Punk rock means no limits, no rules and breaking rules -- to us -- and there's a lot of punk rock on this new record. And if you think punk rock is just distorted guitars and hair-dos, you got another thing comin'. You need to listen to "Minority" and "Warning" [both from Warning].

Then can we look forward to songs like "Time of Your Life" and "Words I Might Have Ate" on Warning? No. (Laughs) There's definitely a sense of hope in some of these songs, but it's from a different perspective of where we're at this point in our lives. I'll give you an example: 'Minority.' That's a song about how … my next door neighbor's mom has a nose ring and my other next door neighbor is a jock with green hair. Everybody wants to look different and be different and act different, but ultimately, nowadays, you need to look inside yourself and find your individuality. With 'Minority,' everything has its suit -- its uniform. It's up to you inside to break the mold. With 'Warning,' that's a song about questioning everything. There's this false sense of freedom we have in the United States. There's all these signs tellin' you, 'Don't do this' and 'Don't do that,' and you just gotta read between the lines and figure out, 'What are those things really sayin'? Is it for someone else's convenience that I'm told to not go here, or that I can't do this or that? Or is it because it's really dangerous?'

Green Day traditionally has been trailed by a lot of controversy. What are some of your favorite controversies? It's weird. There are a lot of controversies, but it's a matter of how close to home you take 'em. Obviously, [there's the] whole sell-out thing, and I'm so over that. If selling out is compromising your musical intentions, I don't even know what that means. I guess that's a big one. (Laughs) At one point in my life it was -- now I'm over it. And I think most people are, too. Every time you spend a dollar, you're making that sell-out statement and casting a vote. Like, 'You're gonna slam me for being on a major label, and yet you smoke cigarettes? OK. (Laughs) Your shoe's on backwards, buddy.' Maybe you dug that controversy when Tre [Cool, drummer] climbed the Universal Studios globe after the MTV Video Music Awards. That was my idea. I'm so accident-prone, that I would have fallen off and broke my neck, so Tre did it. (Laughs) I said, 'Why don't you climb that?' and Tre's running up and down and I'm like, 'Good man.' Tre's got balls bigger than that globe, anyway. You gotta let the [music] industry know who's runnin' it -- and that's the artists. What our album is to a lot of people is a product. What our album is to us is our child. And often, when we turn a record over to the record company, when we finish it, it's like handing your child to a nurse after she was born -- all bloody, a purple tail, ready to go. (Laughs)

Have you settled the score on your past "disagreement" with Third Eye Blind? I really don't think anybody can mistake a kiwi for a banana. Third Eye Blind -- that whole thing. I was probably off the hook; I shouldn't have been fighting in the first place [backstage at a festival concert] and whoever hit me [over the head] with a bottle from behind was a f*ckin' coward. I shouldn't have been fightin' and they shouldn't have been fightin', and that's what boys do. To quote Eminem, 'Tomorrow we'll be boys again.' (Laughs)

Since Billie Joe is campaigning for president and you're his vice presidential running mate [and Tre is the ugly wife], what are you gonna do to keep him in line? Oh, he's a lame duck from the get-go. I'll be runnin' sh*t. (Laughs) I'll start out by lowering the price of alcohol and cigarettes, and shortly thereafter, we should take the 'explicit language' stickers off of albums, so f*ck Tipper Gore. I just think kids should be able to buy [the Clash's] London Calling. What kind of crap is that? That was a controversial record that got the explicit lyrics [campaign rolling]. It's the line, 'He who f*cks the nuns/Will later join the church.'

It was extremely magnanimous of Green Day to bring in dominatrix Mistress Simone for Warning's engineer Tone. Are we, then, to believe that the band didn't get spankings all around? Oh, no. I receive my floggings in the privacy of my own home. Under the watchful eye [and sure hand] of my gal. My girlfriend wouldn't have it. [My girlfriend's called] Mistress Sarah.

Where are you guys with the horror film you were planning, and have you signed Gwen Stefani yet? I think we got so involved in the new record that it became more important than anything else. I think we've decided to follow through on our own script that we've been working on, which is a much better script. Except that if I told you any more, I'd have to kill you.

[lovemesomesurveys]

Your ex taps you on the shoulder and says, “I still love you.” You say? That would never happen, but for the sake of this question I’d certainly be surprised and caught off guard to say the very least for a lot of reasons. I would just be like wtf?? Do you play video games? Sometimes.

Do you spend a lot of time with family? Yeah.

Is your house more than two stories tall? Nope.

Have you ever hit your significant other? Has he/she ever hit you? >> I've never been in a physically abusive relationship, thankfully. <<<

What makes you an attractive person? (Talk about your personality too!) Nothing.

What color is your hairbrush/comb? It’s rose gold.

What snacks do you have available in your household atm? Chips and dip, crackers, cookies...

Has anyone recently told you that they like you, or find you attractive? No.

Are you attracted to the last person you Facebook messaged? No.

Do you care about anyone that doesn’t care about you? I don’t think so.

Was your last Facebook friend requests from a male or female? I don't remember.

Which one of your relatives is most likely to embarrass you? None.

When was the last time you ate a bar of chocolate? I had a mini Kit Kat yesterday if that counts.

Do you play any games on Facebook? Nope.

What would you like to get a degree in? I have a degree in psych.

Do you wake up a lot in the middle of the night? I don’t even go to bed until the early morning hours.

Would you prefer to read a book, watch a movie or TV show, or play a video game? >> I mean, that obviously depends on what I'm in the mood for at the time. <<< Exactly. I enjoy all those things.

Do you usually get popcorn or soda at the movie theater? Both.

What genre of films do you like the best? I’ve listed this a few times recently and don’t feel like doing so now.

How many bank accounts do you have? Just one.

Have you ever had the flu? Yeah.

What is your goal for the next few months? Get through each day and try to improve some health stuff.

Have you ever had some kind of sleep-disorder? How did it affect your life? My sleep schedule is completely messed up.

Have you ever had food poisoning before? Describe the experience. Yes. It’s a very unpleasant experience.

Funny, charming, cute, romantic, smart - choose only 2 for the opposite sex. Funny and smart.

Have you ever let somebody use you? Why did you do it? :/

You can go back in time & change something in your mom’s past - what is it? I don’t want to share what, but there’s definitely something I would change for her.

Do you know anybody who is around the exact same size as you? Who? No.

Ever been to a haunted house? How scared were you? Yeah. I’m a big scardy cat and went through the whole thing having my friend push me through while I mostly kept my eyes closed lmaooo. I kept anticipating things or someone jumping out at me.

Been on any websites today you wouldn’t want your parents to see? No.

Which is worse: dusting or mopping? I would say dusting. Did you pull a senior prank? No.

Did you graduate? Yes.

Have you ever been unfaithful in a serious relationship? No.

What was the last song you listened to? I don’t remember.

Are you one of those lucky people with 20/20 vision? Nope, hence the glasses.

Is fashion one of your interests? >> It is, I think fashion is intensely interesting and fun.

Do you think you’ll eventually find that special someone? It’s hard to imagine that happening for me, honestly.

Do you care what people think? Yes, but not as much as I used to. 

Is acting something you enjoy? No.

What was the last thing you broke/sprained? My leg when I was a kid.

Have you ever fought with a friend because of their boyfriend/girlfriend? Because of yours? No.

Has a stranger ever yelled at you for your language? No.

Whose house, other than yours and your families’, are you most comfortable at? I’m most comfortable at my own house.

Has any of your friends’ family ever yelled at you? No.

Did you ever play a sport as a little kid? Did you enjoy it? Nope.

Did you ever watch the show Full House? Yeah.

Is there a celebrity you are just DETERMINED to marry? No.

Have you ever burned someone’s picture? No.

What’s the longest hike you’ve ever been on? I’ve never been on a hike.

Would you ever get a lip tattoo? No.

Who is the first person of the opposite sex that pops into your head? My ex.

Do your parents smoke cigarettes? Nope.

What does one of your T-shirts have written on it? I’m currently wearing an Hey Arnold shirt with Arnold and Helga plucking a flower on it and it has “I hate him” repeated a few times and then at the bottom it says, “I love him.” 

Name a pet you definitely wouldn’t want. Any reptile or insect.

Would you prefer your partner smaller or taller? Taller. Most people are taller than me anyway.

Do you enjoy going through old pictures? Yes.

Do you believe people when they say they don’t judge people? No.

What did you love the most about the town you grew up in? That my family was here.

What’s a movie that you laughed the hardest during? Hmm.

What’s a movie you cried the hardest during? The Fault in Our Stars is one that really, really got to me when I first saw it. I bawled. 

What’s your favorite restaurant? I don’t have a particular favorite.

Is there a dessert you don’t like? Not a pie fan.

Favorite album? Hybrid Theory and Meteora.

What’s a book that you read because everyone else was reading it? I got into Twilight and The Hunger Games that way. I ended up becoming really into both, though.

Underwater or outer space? Both terrify me.

Dogs or cats? Dogs.

Kittens or puppies? Puppies

Bird watching or whale watching? Bird. I have an irrational fear of whales.

What was your best subject in school? English.

What was your worst subject in school? Math.

What is one thing you wish you knew in high school? Uhhh.

Who is your fashion icon? I don’t have one. 

Diamonds or pearls? Both are nice.

What color dress did you wear to prom? It was white with gold flecks.

What’s your favorite plot-twist? Thats a broad question. There’s been a lot of plot twists in various movies, books, TV shows, and life itself, ha, that really got me.

Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now? No.

Honestly, when was the last time you REALLY cried your heart out? A few days ago. Had a full on panic attack, too, which was fun.

Ever pop someone else’s pimple? Ew, NO. I find that so disgusting.

Do you need to return anyone’s phone call? No.

Who are you closest to? My mom and brother.

Have you ever had a bad concert experience? No.

Are you currently sad about anything? Sad is just part of me.

Have you had any form of exercise today? I haven’t even gotten out of bed, yet, but I can assure you no exercising will be going on today.

Can you handle blood? Nooo.

Has any place hired you underage for a job? No. I didn’t try to apply for a job either though, so.

Have you ever carried a concealed weapon? No.

Are you currently searching for a job? No.

Does eating breakfast make you sick? >> Nah. There was a short period of time when it did, back in the day, but now eating shortly after waking is almost a necessity for me. <<< Same, actually. The past few months I’ve gotten into the regular routine of having breakfast. 

[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug | Part Fifty-One

Table of Content or Part Fifty

Wattpad

Word count: 4.6K

Warning(s): explicit language, drug abuse, minor sexual situations, violence

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My stomach aches with laughter as Duff delivers his punchline of his joke, my hands coming up to cover my mouth as I try to chew my fried mozzarella stick and he takes a sip of his beer, laughing as I snort, which only causes me to laugh even harder, until the both of us are laughing possibly the ugliest anyone has ever laughed, and I'm discarding my food into a napkin because I'm laughing too hard to try to chew it.

My eyes are watering, and thin tears roll down my cheeks.

We finally calm down, seeing people glaring at us for being so loud, but we ignore them.

"That was pretty good." I give him credit where credit is due, shifting in my seat a little and taking in a sharp breath as my sore thigh takes notice of the movement.

"Are you okay?" He asks me and I nod.

"It's still sore." I tell him, trying not to take notice of the expression on his face that flashes for a split second.

Nobody could understand why the hell I went right back home when I got out of the hospital like Nikki hadn't put my life in serious danger.

It wasn't like Nikki had intentionally shot at me. He didnt know what the hell I was and just kicked into to survival mode.

I didn't see the big deal in staying with him.

Tommy, Vince and Mick didn't even know what really happened. Doc had told them the same thing he told me to tell the press: I dropped Nikki's gun on accident, while trying to move it, and it went off and caught me.

He didn't want them to know the truth because they were working on the new album, and he didn't want to "create conflict" within the group.

So the only people that knew the truth aside from Fred, Doc and Nikki, was Duff, Slash, Steven, Izzy and Axl.

It wasn't long after that, that Axl informed me he wrote "You're Crazy" about me as a joke, but realized he was pretty right to write it because, in his words, "you staying with the crackhead heroin junkie that already treats you like shit, then fucking shot you, just solidifies my theory that you're actually, medically, out of your mind, and your insanity isn't just 'to be determined' anymore" and I asked him if he "wanted to be the pot or the kettle?"

The irony of him--out of all people--calling anybody else "crazy" was beyond me.

Thirty-two years later and he still dedicates the song to me every time they play it live.

After we're done eating our Sunday lunch, we pay and head to my car, slowly, because I'm limping and Duff's walking slow so he doesn't leave me.

"So, I kinda did something for your late birthday present." He informs me out of nowhere and I raise my brows.

"What do you mean?" I ask, fumbling to get my keys from my purse, shielding my eyes from the harsh sun in my face as we head to the parking lot.

"Mandy and I broke up." He states and I raise my brows.

"...You broke up with your girlfriend as my birthday present?" I'm confused and he chuckles it off.

"No!" He nervously rubs at the back of his neck. "She broke up with me, actually, but that's not what your present is."

"She broke up with you? Are you okay?" I ask.

"It's a girl, Viv. There's plenty more decent girls to choose from when I'm ready to be in a relationship again." He shrugs.

"Did she tell you why she was breaking things off?" I question.

"Just needed space or time or something like that, I don't know. I was kinda drunk when she called to tell me."

"She broke up with you over a phone call?" I raise my voice, my nostrils flaring.

"Viv, chill out." He let's out with a laugh, nudging me with his arm. "You haven't let me explain the good part of this."

"Well then explain." I clear my throat and he rubs his lips together.

"I talked to Nikki last night 'cause he and Tommy came around to hangout with us for a little while." He explains.

"Mhm?"

"I mentioned the fact that you were kinda getting back into dancing and he said he'd been meaning to ask me about it because you'd told him about Mandy letting you use their rehearsal space to dance."

"She didn't even know I was using it, you just sneak me in whenever she's not there. Well, at least, you did. I'm assuming she got the key back from you."

"You're not letting me finish." He points out and I roll my eyes and sigh.

"Okay. I'm listening."

"Nikki and I conspired together, and I'm buying the place from Mandy, and Nikki is going to pay for any renovations and cleaning up it probably definitely needs."

I stop walking, my face falling, unable to say anything.

"So...happy birthday?" He cautiously finishes, not able to gauge how I'm gonna react.

I just start crying.

"I-I'm sorry, if you didn't want that we can--"

"--I'm not crying because I'm upset, I'm crying because I'm happy." I tell him, wiping my running mascara.

"Viv." He smiles a little, and I hug him to me, my arms around him tightly as I squeeze my eyes closed.

"Thank you." I mumble to him and he kisses at my hair for a second.

"Happy birthday."

I knew on Nikki's part it was an attempt to apologize without actually saying "I'm sorry for shooting you" because if he said "I'm sorry" it would mean admitting he was wrong and I was right about his drug use.

And Vivian could never be right about anyone over-doing it with their bad habits.

I shut the front door, slipping my kitten heels off by the door before I calmly step through the house to get to our bedroom so I can change from my church dress.

Nikki's passed out in our bed. I've gotten to where I have to wake him up and get him to bed or just sleep next to him in the closet.

I accidentally rolled over and stabbed myself with one of his used needles a few nights ago so I've been praying he's been using clean needles and isn't going to transfer anything weird to me.

I change clothes and get into our bed, watching him sleep, at least I think he's asleep.

"How was church?" He asks me, keeping his liner smudged eyes shut and I run the tip of my finger over his bare chest.

"It was good." I reply. "It ran late again today." I lie, not wanting him to find out about Duff and I eating lunch again.

"Oh." He yawns, turning over to face me and I get a little closer to him, hooking my leg around his hip and he grins softly, resting his hand on the curve of my back.

"So, Zutaut called again." I tell him and he sighs out.

"Nope." He sits up and I untangle from him, rolling my eyes as I follow him into the bathroom.

"You didn't even let me finish." I argue, crossing my arms and leaning against the doorway as he puts the toilet seat up to pee.

"I don't need to let you finish. This is the second time he's called in the three days and you told me the first time he called he was wondering if I'd be up to produce your friends' album."

"I love how they're strictly just my friends as soon they inconvenience you. Which I don't even consider this an inconvenience."

"Then what is it, Viv?" He flushes the toilet and steps to the shower to turn it on.

"An opportunity to actually listen to our--'our' meaning 'your's, too'--friends' music. And help them get it put down on an album that actually stays true to their sound instead of trying to add all the extra bull crap that everyone else that's wanted to produce them, has done." I state as he gets his clothes off and gets into the shower.

"What's in it for me?" He asks over the sound of the water.

"Um, the satisfaction of helping a hungry band reach their dreams and share their music? Also helping them get money because once the kids see the album is produced by Nikki Sixx they're gonna buy it because they trust your opinion on good rock music?" I suggest hopefully.

"I want blowjobs." He cuts through the sentimental atmosphere I created in my mind surrounding friendship and dedication, and I glare at the shower as my face drops from it's smile into an unamused expression. "Like, on-command blowjobs. Anytime, anywhere."

"You want me to drop to my knees the second you snap your fingers? Ha!" I scoff.

"Then I'm not even gonna consider producing them."

"Oh my goodness gracious, fine!" I give up, letting out a heavy sigh. "For how long?"

"Um, until I come?"

"No, I mean over what duration of time do I have to sacrifice the wellbeing of my jaw for your disgusting and degrading satisfaction?"

"Until you get arthritic to the point of not being able to get down that low without throwing a joint out of place." He says and I raise a brow, yanking the shower open.

"I am not gonna be in my fifties getting on my knees every time you want some head." I state and he laughs.

"If I have to give you on-command BJs, you have to go down on me on-command."

"You don't even have to tell me to eat you out, I'll gladly do it without the say-so." He says as he shapes his lathered hair straight up with his hands and I have to keep myself from laughing at his childishness. "And can you close that, It's kinda nippley out there." He motions outside of the shower and I shake my head a little before pinning my hair off of my shoulders with a hair clip on our counter and start pulling my clothes off.

I get in with him and he smirks.

"Am I in trouble?" He asks and I raise my brows before reaching my hands up to squish down on his hair that he's got perfectly sculpted upward with shampoo. "No, Viv!" He tries to protect it, laughing loudly.

Tom Zutaut had pressed at me to convince Nikki to at least consider producing "Appetite for Destruction."

Everyone that was interested in Guns N' Roses wanted to alter their music or add unnecessary elements to their signature raw sound. He knew Nikki advocated for people not compromising on what they want, especially with their music, and knew he would never try to produce the album the way he wanted it, but the way the band wanted it.

The only problem there was in the plan...

I roll my eyes as Nikki takes a bump of coke to try to pull himself out of his heroin induced stupor as I fall back in the seat across from him in the limousine, wiping my smudged lipstick from around my mouth, panting, hot and bothered because he started something and couldn't get his prick up to finish it.

Oh, the joys of body function inhibiting drugs.

"Okay, c'mon." He says as he takes a deep breath.

I get back on him to straddle his lap, my hands pulling my dress up my hips and pushing my panties aside while he rubs at himself.

It doesn't seem like he's getting any harder, and the mood is ruined.

"Babe, it's okay." I sigh out, calmly, although I'm frustrated.

"Fuck." He curses, just as irritated, his boot harshly kicking the edge of the seats across from us, his fingers grasping at his hair.

I fix my panties back and move off of him, smoothing my dress back down as he tucks himself back into his pants and laces them back up.

"I'm sorry, Viv." He turns his head to the side to look at me while he's leaning his head back.

"It's fine." I assure him. "Not like I need to be putting that much pressure on my thigh anyway." I add and the atmosphere in the car immediately tenses up.

He doesn't reply, putting his shades on to prepare for the flashing cameras bound to find us.

He despises the press.

I don't blame him.

Once we get stopped, Nikki's opening the door, tightly grasping at my hand.

"Nikki! Nikki!" They all seem to be shouting, followed by questions such as, "you guys working on the album?", "what are some songs we can expect on the new album?", "when are you releasing a new record?", "is it true you went to rehab for heroin?", "are you still on drugs?"

"Vivian, there's pregnancy rumors, do you know who, in the band, is the father?" Someone shouts and I ignore them, keeping my head down and my eyes closed, letting Nikki cut through the reporters and get us into the venue to meet Tom and let Nikki experience his first official Guns N' Roses show.

...Nikki hated it.

He was ready to leave only two songs in and showed absolutely no interest in spending his time producing them.

He wouldn't even really pin point what exactly he didn't like about their music or their playing, he just didn't like it.

He admits now that he was so fucked up that night, in particular, that he wouldn't have known what was good music if it hit him in the face.

I figured that might have been the case since he was the first one to put in for Guns N' Roses to join Mötley Crüe on the "Girls, Girls, Girls" tour and advocate for their music.

His mood swings gave me whiplash.

"What do you think so far?" Tom asks Nikki as Nikki takes a sip of his drink.

"I don't see the fuss." He states, and Tom and I exchange looks, confused.

"W-What?" I ask, furrowing my brows. "Are you kidding me?"

"Did I stutter?"

"W--C'mon, Nikki, you haven't even heard some of their other stuff. These kids have the potential to be extraordinary, they're almost there. You can't just write them off like this."

"I'm not writing anybody off. They're my friends and I dig their enthusiasm but I can barely find the time to work on our own album, let alone produce someone else's and they're not striking me enough to make me want to sacrifice more of my time to produce them."

"Baby, if you would just give them a chan--"

"--Viv, I said 'no'." He sternly scolds me and tears swell up in my eyes because I could have sworn Nikki would have really liked their music.

"I'll be right back." I tell them, stepping to the bathroom to dry my tears.

At the time I thought Nikki was just being an asshole.

He didn't tell me he didn't want to produce them because he wouldn't have done the kind of job they deserved for their talent on their debut album.

He wanted to do right by them, and that meant staying as far away from their music as possible.

He didn't tell anyone that because that would have been him admitting he had a problem.

"Lose the nasty attitude, Vivian." Nikki orders as I stomp into our house while he shuts the front door behind him, locking it.

"Why? You gonna toss me aside, too?" I hiss, taking my jacket off and throwing my purse onto the coffee table, crossing my arms.

"Will you just drop it? It's not like there aren't thousands of producers that would love to help them out." He takes his jacket off, tossing it to the couch.

"What is wrong with their music? Is it their sound, their personality, their--"

"--Vivian, I said 'drop it'!" He barks.

"I have every right to be angry, Nikki! You clearly might not give a fuck about them but they are my friends--who I know good and damn well have immense talent and there's even some of it that's yet to be untapped--and I just wanted you to give them an actual shot at achieving the thing all of them have worked their asses off for and dreamed about since they were kids!" I throw my hands up.

"I'm done talking about this." He states, stepping to our bedroom.

"I'm not!" I take my heel off and throw it as hard as I can at his head.

It hits the back of his hair and he stops in his tracks.

"Tom said it himself, and you heard him: Guns N' Roses will be the biggest rock n roll band in the world if they just get someone behind them that can guide them to where they need to be!" I ball my fists up at my sides, digging my nails into my palms.

Nikki just slowly turns to face me, his eyes wild, his breathing labored, and a out of line theory sprouts in my mind, but the way he's been acting lately it won't surprise me if it's true.

"Is that why you won't help them?" I ask him, cutting my eyes. "Because they're possibly going to dethrone Mötley Crüe?"

The fact that I'm insinuating he gives a fuck about bullshit "competition", especially in regards to his friends, just infuriates him more. I see it in his eyes.

He just turns back around and goes to our bedroom, slamming the door shut.

I roll my jaw, my eyes drifting to the beautiful display of his gold and platinum records on the wall beside the hallway that leads to guest bedrooms.

My skin of my knuckles is splitting open when my fist collides with the glass of the "Shout at the Devil" Gold award.

Platinum's next.

Just before I'm going for "Too Fast for Love", Nikki's screaming from our bedroom doorway, Jack Daniel's in hand.

"What the fuck are you doing?!" He shouts and I just shoot him a glare before taking the "Too Fast for Love" plaque off the wall. "Put the fucking plaque down Vivian." Nikki orders, stepping closer to me.

"Produce their album." I demand, acting as if I'm going to drop it.

"Put. It. Down. Vivian."

"Or what? You'll shoot me again?" I taunt him and he grinds his teeth. "Produce their album." I repeat.

"Go to hell, crazy bitch." He snaps.

"You go first!" I holler back, hurling the award at the wall and it crashes into another plaque and they both shatter to pieces.

I turn around just in time to see Nikki pouring Jack all over my Bible that he'd plucked from the coffee table, just before pulling his lighter out.

"Stop!" I shriek, rushing to him.

I'm too late, though, and he's lighting it up and throwing it into the empty fire place just as I make it to him.

A God-awful feeling of dread fills me as Sikki looks very proud of himself.

I can't even look at him right now.

Walking to the kitchen to wash my bleeding hand off and get it wrapped up, I start to think a mile a minute.

My heart clenches in my chest as tears line my lashes.

How predictable of Nikki Sixx to burn a fucking Bible just to piss off a christian who's had said Bible since childhood...but it somehow shocks me that he'd do it to me, I guess.

I glance down at my wedding ring.

I've noticed it feels more and more like a weight with every argument he and I have.

Our entire relationship was just an open body of water that, that freaking ring was dragging me deeper and deeper in to.

The pressure was starting to get painful and I needed air.

My finger tips tug at my wedding ring and I leave it on the kitchen counter before I'm walking to our bedroom-- while he's still in the living room-- locking the door and heading to the closet, quickly gathering every lick of heroin, coke, and pills before going to our bathroom and flushing all of it, all the while Nikki's banging his fist against our bedroom door.

I hear a loud crash, and realize he kicked the door in.

"Vivian!" He screams as I'm giving the final flush to the last bindle, opening the bathroom door.

He's pushing me aside rather roughly and stomping to the toilet as the sound of the tank refilling with water let's him know what I've been doing.

"What did you do?!" He seethes at me, finger in my face, eyes shot, five o'clock shadow framing his gritted teeth.

And I just turn around with the intention of getting my shoes back on and leaving.

His hand is catching in my hair and yanking me back to him.

"Nikki, fuck off!"

"Don't fucking walk away from me!" He yells.

"I should have walked away from you six years ago!" I exclaim, tears of anger rolling down my cheeks.

This gets his attention because he's letting me go, an obvious expression of hurt on his face.

"I should have never slept with you. I should have never dated you. I should have never told you I'd marry you and I never should have taken vows to love and honor and protect someone who can't even get off of drugs long enough to love and honor and protect me." I sniffle and he blinks at me slowly as if holding back on his emotions.

"Then walk the fuck away." He hisses at me, rolling his jaw.

I left.

Nikki called Vanity.

And I went to find Duff.

I shut my car door before making my way into the Seventh Veil, running a hand through my hair as music blares through the speakers.

I glance around, hoping they're here because I've been up and down the strip and they've been nowhere to be found.

My prayers are answered when I look to see the massive fluff of blonde hair and I walk over to the table where Duff, Izzy, Steven, and Slash are, yanking a chair from a neighboring table and sitting with them.

They give me weird looks, Steven glancing around to check for Nikki or any of the other guys, before exchanging looks with Duff and Slash while Izzy seems unphased, his eyes on the same thing mine are on: the dancer on stage.

"Um...Viv?" Steven asks me cautiously and I side eye him.

"Yeah." I mumble.

"Uh, a-are you here alone?" He asks.

"Yep."

"Do you like strippers or something?" Slash asks me next.

"Nope."

"Did Nikki piss you off?" Duff's next.

"Yep."

"Is your hand alright?" Steven motion's to my hand that's got a scabbed over, bloody cut over the top of it.

"Shh, guys, she has to keep a clear mind so she can properly construct her plan to ask the dancers if they've accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior." Izzy sarcastically puts in and I cut my eyes at him as he takes another drag of his cigarette.

"Talk all your shit, Stradlin. Just gives me more motivation to curate ideas to make your life harder."

"Your existence in itself makes my life harder." He scoffs.

"Good that means I'm fulfilling one of the purposes God gave me for my life."

"Is your other purpose getting your husband so heated he throws you out of the house?"

"Oh, I'm sorry." I pretend to feel sorry, poking my lip out a little. "I forget I can't be upset with Nikki around you because you get bothered at the thought of anyone being upset with your gothic, heroin hounding, drug buddy because you're kindred spirits that have bonded over being tortured artists."

"Oh, go read your Bible." He tells me.

"Can't. Nikki set it on fire." I shoot back and Duff chokes on his drink.

"He what?" Duff asks me, like he's trying to contain a little anger over it.

"So we can expect the Sixxes to get a divorce?" Izzy asks me, clearly joking, and I shake my head.

"No, he's just being a junked-out prick." I mumble, crossing my arms.

"Do you wanna get your anger out by aggressively throwing our money?" Steven asks and I blink.

"I'll go politely put the money on the edge of the stage." I say and Duff finishes his drink, setting the glass face down.

"Alright, let's get outta here." He tells me with a sigh, standing up. "We'll see you guys later."

"Alright, man." Izzy nods. "Viv." He adds.

"Izzy." I reply.

"Bye, Viv." Steven and Slash both say and I smile a little.

"Bye, guys."

I follow Duff out of the club, and he nearly trips coming out, causing me to grab at his hand and arm to try to help him keep balanced, and a few flashes go off, signaling paparazzi and I audibly groan as they move in.

My hand shields my eyes as my other hand holds tightly to Duff's arm as asinine questions are thrown at me but I ignore them.

The bastards got a good enough shot at just the right second--with me holding onto Duff with both of my hands, the two of us sharing wide smiles because we were laughing over him nearly tripping to the ground--that it definitely came across as "a picture's worth a thousand words" but the only words told by that picture was that we were a little more than friends...and that's what the headline spun it up as by the time it landed in Nikki's hands.

The argument it led to sparked the birth of "You're All I Need", delivered by the vocals of Vince, from the demented mind of Sikki Nixx himself.

"Where'd you park?" Duff asks me in my ear over the sound of photography and strangers talking at us, and I tug him into direction of my car that's parked down the street against the curb.

"Welp that's something I'm gonna get to explain to Nikki." I state as soon as we get into my car.

"He knows nothing's happening." He replies, laughing it off.

"Yeah, right." I say under my breath, as I start heading down the road. "Where to?" I ask, stopping at a stop light.

"Oh, I don't know I was just trying to keep you from swinging on Izzy." He admits with a chuckle and I shake my head a little.

"I'd never hit Izzy. Axl, definitely, Izzy, no. He's my favorite."

"Izzy's your favorite? How'd that happen? You two are, like, polar opposites." He asks me with an amused smile.

"He agrees that Sid probably killed Nancy." I inform him and he throws his head back and let's out a frustrated, but humorous, groan.

After finally deciding to just get milk-shakes, we sit in a corner booth of Denny's and once we get out orders, Duff's clearing his throat.

"So, I saw you guys at the show earlier."

He tells me and I raise my brows, sipping at my strawberry milkshake. "You didn't tell us you were coming, we could've told them to take you guys backstage."

"We weren't able to stay very long afterwards...Nikki just wanted to see you guys play together live." I explain.

"Oh." He nods, before asking the dreaded question: "what did he think?"

"He digs you guys." I lie, giving a little smile.

The guys never knew Nikki was approached to produce the album, each of them found out later.

I think they're secretly glad he never touched "Appetite for Destruction."

That album would have been an absolute train wreck under his junkie guidance, just like everything else that Nikki seemed to be apart of in 1987.

[9w1ft]

hi! quick question, what is the holes in the fence thing? does anyone have a tag or anything for it I can look through? hope you have a great day!

hi! it’s something that happened back in february when taylor started first transitioning her aesthetic to pastel. swifties noticed what they thought was a countdown to the album release based on what they saw in the photos on her instagram:

from bottom left: 8 divets in the couch, 7 palm trees, taylor sitting on the 6th step from the bottom, and then 5 holes in a fence with taylor standing behind it.

it picked up so much steam and really got the whole taylor swift tag feeling super festive.

then taylor posted this:

and the fandom reaction was split between looking for a 4 bamboo shoot in the background, and feeling dragged by taylor 😭

there was another theory called hopscotch theory that stuck around for a few more days that could have explained a skip in the posting sequence but in the end it just became this fan meme of people throughout the rest of spring exclaiming “but... there were five holes in a fence”

i’m of course a big puzzler myself so i just love the whole amount of creative thinking that the fandom at large was allowing itself to revel in. and it made sense, i think!!

taylor has referenced it on multiple occasions since. including 5 days out from actual album release.

i tried looking for the og post but couldn’t find it. anybody have a link?

[strictlyfortheculture]

MY TAKE: 1,300 WORDS ON JAY ELECTRONICA’s ‘A WRITTEN TESTIMONY’

After 11 years of anticipation, Jay Electronica finally released an official study album, A Written Testimony featuring Jay-Z who was playing the role Ghostface Killah did for Raekwon on Only Built 4 Cuban Linx.�� 

Jay-Z was the co-star; the Scottie Pippen to Michael Jordan; the one who complimented the headliner, assisting him in a win, and this album most certainly was a win.

Now I make the point of listing Jay-Z as a co-pilot in this audio journey because many in the Internet realm want to say Jay-Z "lyrically murdered" Electronica on his own shit. Ironically, something Nas claimed happened to Jay Z on the Renegade song years ago.

That didn't happen. Jay-Z did what he was supposed to do, he collaborated with an emcee who captured his ear and mind back in 2010. 

This was not Watch The Throne, Part II. To say such a thing is to disrespect what Jay-Z and Kanye West created in 2011. A Written Testimony was the overdue, formal introduction to the rap world Hip-hop's resident Willy Wonka - Jay Elect - the man who creates endless wonders while staying aloof. Jay Electronica is a real-life James Bond, a man who shook the Hip Hop world when he released the game-changing "Exhibit C", dated and fathered a child with Erykah Badu, sparked a bidding war between Puff Daddy and Sean Carter based on the strength of a couple singles, the man who disappeared for years, and was romantically linked to an heiress from the Rothschild family. 

YEAH, this man is a legend.

But those exploits coupled with several loose singles and two mixtapes were not enough to satisfy the appetite of hungry Hip Hop listeners, eager to devour the sounds of a man from New Orleans, Louisiana who is, lyrically, more like Rakim Allah than Soulja Slim ... and still, Jay Elect pay homage to his NO influences throughout the album (see "Ghost of Soulja Slim", in particular).  How can a Southern emcee come on the scene without having a stereotypical sound of a New Orleans rapper? He doesn't sound like Master P nor does he follow the path of Lil Wayne. No. Jay Elect made his trail unique; distancing himself from the pack.

After 10 years of waiting, Jay Electronica announced his album WOULD be released in Match 2020. Now a lot has changed since 2010 when the original album was meant to come, and during that time tastes change and even the most loyal fans lost faith that it would happen. 

Was this real? Was Jay Electronica gonna drop or was this another instance where an artist over-promised and under-delivered? 

Finally, Friday the 13th, March 2020 A Written Testimony was released and the internet was flooded with the full gamut of emotions ranging from exhilaration to disappointed (can't please the internet critics or Joe Budden) to a renewed faith in the man of legendary reputation. 

Yes, people were pleased to hear that Jay-Z is still one of the best in the game, today, but for me, I was delighted to hear Jay Electronica slay the sound-waves. This 10 track album not only reinforced my appreciation for Jay Electronica; it made me want to study his lyrics; dissect these testaments to its very root.

The introductions to (1) The Overwhelming Event and (2) Ghost oF Soulja Slim featuring sound bytes of Louis Farrakhan speaking to the masses about the Black people in America being real children of Israel; the recipients of God's promise to bless the descendants of Abraham caused dissent from Hip Hop critics and listeners alike who felt the Nation of Islam leader's alleged anti-Semitic comments have no place in a rap album. Those people forget that Jay Electronica is a member of the Nation of Islam.

WRITER'S NOTE:  All of those critics are silent when rappers say of Nigga or calling Black women "bitch" and "ho". Where are they during those moments of controversy? Hmmm. This is a conversation for another time.

Controversy aside, the lyrical wordplay on display should have silenced any nonbeliever.  

(2) Ghost of Souljah Slim starts off the album right with both men trading verses, and more importantly Electronica showing that he can hold his own with Sean Carter. 

(3)The Blinding has Jay Electronica talking about the hesitancy to release his music to an audience that will undoubtedly pick apart his work rather than enjoy it for what it is. (4) Neverending Story is where Jay Elect laces an Alchemist beat with the tale of his come-up from humble beginnings and hostile surrounding to still being chosen by God; bestowed with divine greatness. 

(5) Shiny Suit Theory showcases Elect rhymes over a self-produced song proclaiming his forthcoming rise in the world of rap.

(6) Universal Soldier has both men share tales of their rise from hardship and criminal lifestyle to gaining knowledge of self and ultimately overcoming the hurdles placed before them

(7) Flux Capacitor has Jay Elect speaking on a preordained calling upon him to bring superior lyricism and teachings to the world while representing New Orleans. 

(8) Fruits Of The Spirits  is a song detailing the long wait for this debut album, Electronica lets the listener know that it was all part of his master plan for just like Thanos (from the Marvel Comics), he can defeat any competition with the snap of his fingers.

(9) Ezekiel's Wheel ties into the Biblical story of Ezekiel, the warrior who was placed by God to be the prophet over Israel, Jay Electronica declares himself to be a prophet to the children of Israel, whom Farrakhan, in the album intro stated were the Black people in America. 

(10) A.P.I.D.T.A. (All Praise Is Due To Allah) is my personal favourite is a song dealing with the loss of loved ones. According to reports, this song was written on the same night Kobe Bryant and his daughter Gianna Bryant died in a tragic helicopter crash in February 2020. Wow.

On this sombre track, Jay Electronica offers lamentations over the loss of his beloved Mother, speaking of how her departure from this physical form has cut him to his soul, rendering his spirit wounded. 

Eyes fiery, cry tears to my diary Sometimes a Xanny bar can't help you fight back the anxiety I go to my Lord quietly, teardrops on our faces Teardrops on my face, it's like teardrops become waterfalls by the time they reach my laces My eyelids is like levees but my tear ducts is like glaciers As I contemplate creation, the salt that heals my wounds pour out my eyes just like libations I can't stop my mind from racing, I got numbers on my phone Pictures on my phone The day my mama died, I scrolled her texts all day long The physical returns but the connection still stay strong

Jay Elect later rhymes,

Sleep well The last time that I kissed you, you felt cold but you looked peaceful I read our message thread when I get low and need a refill

All controversy and delay aside, Jay Electronica delivered a debut album that rivals that of your favourite MCs. FUCK Joe Budden and anybody who disagrees. I'm still waiting on Joe to release one record as meaningful as Elect's worst.  Anyway, I digress. 

In an era where the word Classic has lost its meaning thanks to the overuse of fans and critics alike, I won't give it that distinction, at this time. I do, however, feel this album will go down as one of the more significant releases of the last 10 years.  This is evidence of substance over style. No commercials tracks. No filler. Just two talented men delivering lyrical food to a hungry audience in need of manna from heaven rather than the pursuit of bread ($$$).

And man cannot live on bread alone.   Peace God. Holler at me

[redspecialstardust]

Scandal - Oneshot (Freddie Mercury X Fem!Reader)

Requested by: @capan-devereaux

One month after the incident at the Rainbow Theater, you and now Freddie fall victim to bad press; there's gotta be a way to put these rumors to rest...

Genre: Hurt/Comfort

Warnings: language, rumours, unwanted touching, attempted sexual assault (it doesn't go anywhere)

A/N: This fic is a sequel to Always Look After You; read it here. Can be read as OG Freddie or the BoRap version.

Freddie woke to himself facedown in the sheets of his king sized bed; the scent of the fresh bedding filled his nostrils, giving him sort of a gentle waking as he snuggled down into the mattress some more and forced his heavy eyes open to check the bedside clock which read 7:30 am. The time made him groan...for a party animal like himself, it was way too early for him to get up. The bed was warm, and so were the sunrise's rays on his back. You must have opened the curtains before he woke. but tired or not, he didn't want to sleep all day, knowing you two would barely get any alone time.

Choosing that there was no point sleeping in when he didn't have you next to him, the tired singer dragged his ass out of bed and threw on one of his many silk kimono robes. He let you know he was up by letting out a loud yawn on his way down the stairs. Just as he thought, you were sitting at the dining table with a newspaper one hand and a croissant in the other. Upon hearing your boyfriend's unsubtle yawn, you grabbed the coffee pot next to you and poured him a cup, preparing it just the way he liked it. Freddie entered the room still dazed from sleep but woke a bit more upon seeing you. Just like him, you were wearing a robe and had some pretty good bedhead going. The table had a couple of food trays with some eggs, croissants and fruit on them. He crossed the room and kissed the top of your head before sitting next to you.

"Good morning, Darling."

"Morning, Fred. How'd you sleep?"

"Like a drunken barfly, how about you?" He asked, placing some fruit on his plate.

"Eh. Same old same old." You responded. That could only mean that it wasn't very restful. Freddie always worried when you said that. This past month had been tough for you both, and the reason why was plastered all over the front page of the paper. Today's headline read: "Mercury & (L/N): Canoodling Cahoots?" Once again, the media was all over the Rainbow Theater incident and had been ever since that conference where your stalker had appeared at and made an enormous scene. To make things worse, Freddie was being dragged in on it too.

The same day of the conference, he released a photo of the injuries you received from trying to escape the perv's grip. It was a simple Polaroid taken an hour after the attack and displayed your arm with small, but deep scratches where you'd been grabbed. At first it seemed like you were in the clear, but as usual, people were looking for any way to create more gossip. Now all the papers were saying that you and Freddie staged the photo and he was just trying to cover for you since he was your boyfriend.

Oh yeah, and somehow news got out you two were dating. The stress seemed to be eating at you more than anyone a part of Queen. Over time Freddie noticed you were sleeping less and eating like a bird. Even with you being the first one up, he saw the fatigue on your complexion and ridiculously small amount of food on your plate; if you could even call it that...a croissant and a teacup of coffee? That wouldn't satisfy anybody.

"Dear, would you please put at least a couple of eggs on your plate? You're getting slimmer."

"What's wrong with slimming down?" You asked, not even looking up from the paper.

He was very frustrated lately. Sometimes he ended up saying things that were very insensitive.

"You know full well you don't need to lose weight. And for goodness' sake, why do you keep reading the papers? You know they aren't going to say anything nice. You're starting to look like a creature Edgar Allen Poe created!"

You threw the paper down on the table, frustrated that another fight about the headlines was starting up again. On and off for the past four weeks, you and Freddie were getting into heated arguments over what the hell you were supposed to do about the situation. You suggested moving a way for a bit, but Freddie said that would only be letting the gossip win.

"I know! I'm sorry! I just...I know they're saying bad things, but I can't ignore it. It's too much. Freddie, we were supposed to be happy together, not be harrassed by the paparazzi everytime we look at the TV or pick up the paper." By this point, your head fell into your hands and the small sharp pains of forming tears were hurting your eyes.

Oscar and Romeo were under the table the whole time and came to their mama's rescue upon hearing the sniffles. One purred around your ankle while the other gently pawed at your bare foot. Through the watery view of your eyes, you reached down and picked up Oscar, holding him firmly to your chest. The orange tabby purred in response. Freddie sighed; damn it, he went too far again didn't he? The frontman got up from his seat and stood you up, facing him with his gentle brown eyes locked onto yours.

"Come on." You snuggled into his side as his arm locked around your side and led you to the couch in the sitting room. Before even reaching the luxurious couch in front of the TV, you found him sweeping you up into his arms and carrying your frame bridal style. With the utmost care he placed you down on the sofa and sat down nearby, placing your head in his lap. Still sniffling, you looked up at him, muttering a thank you.

"Darling, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean those things, really I didn't. But I'm getting very worried about you. All the stress of these wrongful allegations are eating away at every level of health."

"I'm sorry too, Freddie." Breaking eye contact with him and staring ahead at the power off television screen across the room.

"For what?" He questioned, truly puzzled but his tone remaining calm.

"I've been so selfish. This whole time, I've done nothing but worry about what everyone's saying about me and I didn't stop to think about how hard this had been for you and the band or their families. I mean, maybe I am a selfish bitch like the papers are saying..."

There was a frightening silence between you for like ten seconds. At first it seemed like he silently agreed with you, but without warning, he quickly sat you up, making you gasp a bit and then pulled you onto his lap in a sitting position. The movement had been so swift, you were looking into his eyes for 3 seconds before it clicked what happened.

"Look at me." He firmly commanded. "Are you even hearing yourself? You're letting them get to you. This was not your fault. It never was. Yes, the reporters are saying awful things about me and the boys too, but we can handle it; plus, we know that what you went through was terrifying and we don't blame you for pondering on it so much. (Y/N), we love you...I love you, and we'll get through this, okay?"

You wrapped your arms around his neck and hugged as tightly as possible without strangling him.

"Thank you Freddie. I love you so much."

He kissed your lips this time and suggested that you both just relax for now and watch TV today. Everyone needed a break during a time like this with the rumors practically suffocating Queen while they were trying to work so it seemed like keeping all the prejudice fans waiting for the next album was sufficient punishment for now. Feeling much better you crawled off of Freddie's lap and cuddled against his side, giving him permission to flick the television on. Channel after channel it seemed like there wasn't anything that good on so he handed you to remote to keep clicking while he checked the TV guide. After only two clicks, you paused on the news, displaying yet another distressing headline:

"(Y/N) (L/N): Malice For Mercury?"

This was the worst one yet. The TV displayed a live report, with a journalist standing right outside Garden Lodge's gate, this time the theories had resorted to desperate measures saying that the only reason you claimed this man put his hands on you was to get attention from Freddie and that you were trying to ruin his career for him cheating on you. Cheating on you? Freddie hadn't left your side since you started dating last month. The news then showed video of Freddie walking home with his arm around some mystery woman that nobody recognized.

"BOLLOCKS!" Freddie hollered while jumping to his feet. Normally he would have kept his cool about something like this, but this so called mystery woman on the screen was his little sister, Kashmira. She came by every weekend to have dinner with Freddie and you; it was a very nice time to look forward to and the fact that they were using his sister's face as some shady floozy pissed both of you off beyond belief. Granted, the press didn't know much about Freddie's family because he liked to keep his family life private, but this was a new low. Sensing Freddie's rage beginning to boil, you turned off the TV and had took him gently by the arms.

"Freddie, sweetheart, you're shaking. I need you to calm down."

He looked ready to explode.

"They--they're attacking my blood now!"

"I know! I know honey." You pulled him in for a hug and rubbed his back. "Just please calm down; I don't want your blood getting up more over this, too." He wrapped his arms around you accepting the comfort you provided. You could feel his heart angrily pounding against his chest where the side of your face was resting.

They were really getting to him too and it broke your heart to see him upset because he had been trying his hardest to be strong for you and in between that it's like he forgot it was completely okay to be upset. No matter what either of you tried, you couldn't get away from the chaos of these made up stories. People swarmed you at the studio, they blindsided the guys at their houses, and just now, there were people hanging outside the gate, waiting to aggravate the victims of these rumors even more. By this point they had forced everyone in Queen to go into hiding, and all for ratings.

All day long, you and Freddie spent your time checking all the doors and windows in paranoia; the constant chatter of reporters and the innumerable amount of flashing cameras was extremely distressing, causing you two to finally head upstairs and stay there for the rest of the day and into the night. Things seemed to settle around midnight, and left you and Freddie lounging on the bed together finally getting some quiet time. Lying on your sides, heads resting in your hands, you found it so much easier to talk about all this crap in the peace of each other's space.

"What are we gonna do, Fred? It won't stop."

"It will darling, trust me. We just need to wait this out and they'll get bored."

"We can't just hide until it's over with, we're not living anymore."

He sighed. You were right, but he just didn't know what to do anymore to make it better.

"I wish I could just say what happened and have them believe us." He said. The sweet gesture made you reach your hand across the space between you and stroke his charcoal black hair. The texture was soft to the touch and very soothing under your fingers. Freddie adored the attention and pulled you into his chest where he held you tighter than a child would hold a stuffed animal and muttered into your hair.

"If only they knew that man's true nature. For goodness' sake, they saw it at the conference."

That's when a light went off over your head. An idea came with just that little statement. An idea on how you were going to get your lives back.

"Freddie, you're a genius."

Two days later, every television in England was broadcasting one of its most interesting stories yet: Freddie Mercury and his girlfriend were willing to invite the alleged attacker to Garden Lodge for afternoon tea in an attempt to patch things over and move on with your lives. The day the announcement was made, you and Freddie had braved going outside for the first time in a while and were being interviewed in the inside of a downtown theater. As usual, many questions were being thrown at the both of you about the situation.

"Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Will you be friends with this guy afterwards?"

"Who do you think will apologize first?"

The whole time the questions flew, Freddie protectively kept his hand on yours. He wanted you to know it was all going to be okay, and you knew it was too, since your plan was bound to work if this guy was really as sick as he let on that night. Once in a while when responding to questions you two found yourselves glancing at one another to confirm whether your responses or not would be adequate. Freddie said that the change of heart came from the fatigue of feeling the need to hide and that a friendship with the man was uncertain. As for who would apologize first, it took some pride swallowing, but you managed to push out "I will."

Hours later, countless reporters were once again camped outside the mansion and kept every camera rolling for this groundbreaking story. Your pervert arrived on the dot for tea and used the doorbell on the door's exterior. The bell's ringing echoed through the manor and made you shiver at the idea of him being right outside. This same guy who left scratches on your arm was about to walk into yours and Freddie's home.

"Just breathe, Darling; your plan is gonna work."

"It better." You sighed.

Opening the door, you caught sight of his eyes. They seemed friendly enough, but nevertheless had this darkness lurking behind them.

"Derek, hi! Come on in."

"Thanks." He said, still seeming kind.

You and Freddie shook his hand and led him into one of the nicer sunlit rooms that normally wasn't used for tea unless you were having a guest. Compared to the rest of the rooms, it was a moderate, even small size. In the center of the room sat a coffee table decked with all the proper items to have at tea. A delicate white teapot painted in yellow and white with matching cups were placed properly there along with classic tea cakes and finger sandwiches. Either side of the table ends had a small couch pushed closely enough for anyone to reach over and grab what they needed off the table while sitting. Freddie shared one of the couches with you while Derek sat on the other. It only took staring at him again for a moment before you realized your breathing was becoming a bit laboured from your nerves causing a faster pulse; this was happening? This trash was in the house? But, still trying to be a gracious host, you picked up the pot and began to pour a cup for all three of you. Watching the steam rise from the cup made you wanna remove the lid and splash the hot drink into his face, but it wasn't part of the plan, so best keep it under control. After pouring your cup and sitting beside Freddie once again, he thanked you and everyone began to add what they wanted to the cups: sugar, cream, lemon etc. All three finished at the same time and raised their cups in a cheers like fashion.

"To a fresh start." Freddie grinned.

"To a fresh start." You repeated, trying not to sounding nervous. Derek copied and you sipped in unison. For a few very uncomfortable minutes nobody said anything while enjoying the tea and snacks; you all knew nobody wanted him here, and the tension in this Mexican stalemate caused you to move in and say what you had to.

"Derek, um, I-I'm sorry. I shouldn't have attacked you like that; it was wrong to do something so awful to a fan of ours."

Ugh. That one hurt your pride.

"Thank you for that." Derek answered.

Freddie scooter close to you, placing his hand gently on your knee.

"I apologize too Derek. I shouldn't have used you as a punching bag. You see, when I thought that you had put your hands on her, it infuriated me and I was just trying to protect her. I'm sure you would have done the same for someone you care about."

"Well I can't blame you for that." Derek responded, smiling, but offered no apology himself. That's okay, you really didn't expect one. He took another sip of the tea and carefully placed it down. Something was definitely turning in his mind and none of it looked good.

"I'll accept your apology on one condtion: I want a quarter of a million dollars. It's the least you could do for compensation." The absolute balls! He knew none of this would be even happening if he didn't put his hands on you and now he wants a reward for getting his ass kicked? No, no way, you didn't care what happened after this, he wasn't getting a cent off either of you, but this could still work with what you had in mind.

You scoffed, jumping to your feet "I don't think so. We're trying to put this all behind us and then you come and pull this crap asking for money after leaving scratches on me and making our lives miserable? No! No you're not getting any money!"

Derek's face returned to that same vindictive grimace he had when he tried to throw himself at you, and it scared you to death. As he stood up too, Freddie instantly moved to protect you by standing as well and moving you behind him. He wasn't about to let someone punk him in his own house, no way! He didn't take bull.

"Fine. Don't gimme the money, I'll just go out and tell the reporters how much I tried to be friends and now the great Freddie Mercury and his slut are tightfisted with the compensation. You think your lives are bad now? Wait till the news gets ahold of this."

Freddie nearly lunged to attack, but you grabbed his shoulder, holding him back.

"Freddie, no! This isn't worth it. Just give him the money."

"But he--"

"Freddie please! I want our lives back."

It took a minute, but after looking between you and Derek, Freddie saw the fear in your eyes and it broke his heart. You shouldn't have to live in fear this way and he barely deserved you as it is. What the hell, money wasn't nearly as valuable as you. With a moment of his pride swallowed, he said he'd have to go all the way upstairs into the bedroom to get the checkbook. As he disappeared from the room, you gave Derek a bad staredown.

"So what's a perv like you gonna do with all that money?"

He shrugged. "Maybe buy you for the night." Rolling your eyes in disgust you let him know that was never gonna happen because he was an immature child; a man who threw a fit because he wasn't getting what he wanted, and then that's what set it off. He crossed the room getting right in your face.

"Fight all you want baby, I like it when they think they can get rid of me. I should left more than a few scratches on you; had it been just you and me, I would have treated you no differently than the floozies I pick up every Thursday." He grabbed both of your arms again, no not again! As soon as you hit the furniture, he pinned your arms down, to the sides and forced his lips onto yours. You tried to turn your head and struggle hard but he was so strong.

"Get off me!"

"Scream, and I'll kill Mr. Mustache. One way or another, I'm getting what I came for." He began to unzip your jacket but before anything else could happen, a gold flashy force knocked him off you and held him to the carpet. It was Queen's drummer Roger; he'd been hiding in a nearby closet, listening to everything so he could spring into action if anything went too far.

"Stay down, rapist! Did you get that, Deaky?"

To Derek's surprise, John Deacon the bassist popped out from behind a large potted tree in the corner of the room with a large camera in his grip. He signaled a yes, letting you all know they got everything they needed. Video was really all they needed to convict him, but to rub it in his face even more, you reached down your shirt and pulled out a wire, letting him know your bra had been bugged. That's right, you and the boys took two days planning this to catch Derek in the act and it worked perfectly. Almost on cue, Brian and Freddie escorted a group of officers into the room demanding they remove the root of all your problems.

The next day everyone in the band attended yet another conference to discuss everything and it was amazing; all the reporters who'd wrongfully accused you were now practically kissing your ass. There was nothing more satisfying than feeling this huge weight off your shoulders and the whole truth coming to light. Everyone in Queen received a formal apology from everybody and to even let you all know that Derek wasn't going to be even eligible for parole until he was 82. It's ok. By that time, every inmate would make him their girlfriend; no way he'd survive that.

"Freddie, with Derek finally behind bars and the your lives returning to normal, what's the first thing you're gonna do?"

Brian, Roger and John said they were just going to enjoy the peace with their wives an kids for now. They earned it after all, didn't they? As for Freddie, he took you in his arms, dipped your body, and left an enormous kiss on your lips. Upon standing you back in place, he said.

"I'm going to take the love of my life to Munich for a while. As happy as we are that everything is going back to normal, we haven't been able to just relax and laugh with each other since we started dating. Don't worry, the album will still be done on time. But for now, I just want it to be me and her. I love you with all my heart (Y/N) (L/N)."

"I love you too Freddie Mercury. Thank you so much for being there."

"I'll always look after you."

THE END

Thanks for checking this out! Find more from me on the Masterlist

[bakagamieru]

Hi!!! I’m hoping you can help - do you know why Zayn left One Direction? He was partying with Louis on March 14 in Thailand and left the band on March the 25th. So what happened in those 9 days for him to leave? I just don’t get it!! TIA!!

Hello,

It wasn’t anything in those 9 days that made him leave.  In fact, I don’t think it was his idea to leave at all.

I have a masterpost outlining most of my speculation relating to this: http://bakagamieru.tumblr.com/post/120840259353/zayn-stunt-summary

Of course there are other fans/bloggers (known as Team Stunt mostly) that have speculated about this as well.

Disclaimers

Please bare with me here and read the whole post (and preferably the other posts in my masterpost) before writing this theory off.  I 100% believe that if anyone takes the time to look at the evidence, it will become obvious that something very fishy is going on.  It’s just logic.

If you’re not coming into this post with the knowledge of 1D’s adversarial relationship with their team or with the knowledge that there are closeted gay couples within the 1D band (Louis and Harry, Liam and Zayn), then you might want to check that out first.  There are good resources out there for all of it.  I have some of it linked on my “ziam resources” and “larry resources” tags or on my Projects and Posts and Tags and Links pages.

It’s important to know what’s going on with these things and the history of 1D and their team because Zayn leaving being a stunt is a part of and a continuation of that.  

It might also help to check out who Zayn really is since a false and negative characterization of him has taken hold because of his public persona since his leaving.  I’ve got a few things linked on my summary masterpost.  Another tag on my blog to check out would be “pairing masterpost” (look for any including Zayn).  There’s also this post and this post and this post that show who Zayn is beyond the broody bad boy image he’s always been saddled with, extremely so in his solo career.  Myself, I think the lyrics from his solo albums, particularly Mind of Mine but also the Icarus part of Icarus Falls, shows who he is better than anything.  There’s no way to fake the gentleness and thoughtfulness inherent in the sentiments he chooses to express.  

Even if you know Zayn well already, it’s always good to revisit these because it can be hard to fully avoid the effects of being bombarded by everyone telling you he’s a selfish, erratic, rash, and disloyal person.  It’s good to be reminded of exactly how dorky, geeky, sweet, protective, thoughtful, intelligent, and caring he is.

Let’s Get Into It

The thing that made us start wondering about a stunt was the way Zayn left.  It doesn’t particularly make sense for a lot of reasons.

1) He had been more engaged than usual at the start of the OTRA tour, talking to fans on social media and practicing to get better at giving speeches on stage.  He was also just as affectionate with the other boys on stage as ever.

2) The reasons they gave for Zayn leaving were many and yet none of them ever made sense.  The WAY he left is also baffling.

Originally the implication was that Zayn left because he was caught “cheating again” on Perrie.  This is unlikely because 1) Zayn was never truly dating Perrie as it was a PR/bearding relationship (yes there is proof), and 2) Zayn and Perrie officially broke up that August anyway and if Zayn left for her, that would take away his reason for leaving and yet he didn’t return.  The same sort of theory popped up with the idea of Naughty Boy luring him away, but again, 1) Naughty Boy had been very pro-1D the year before, and 2) Zayn and Naughty Boy had a “falling out” and yet Zayn didn’t return to 1D.

They said anxiety immediately after he left, but then he started a solo career that’s bound to be more anxiety-inducing if someone has stage fright.  If the worst part of the job is dealing with people, then why would you get rid of the people who distracted most of the interviewer’s attention during interviews and the people who shared the stage with you?

They said he never liked being in the band, but if he likes the music/performing part (he ostensibly did because of going solo) and he likes the boys (there’s no real proof he doesn’t), that only leaves his management team to be causing the problem.  One Direction was just about to end their active contract with Syco/Modest, so why leave the band and risk penalties and censure instead of sticking it out until the end of the year?

Some said he left to go solo first and get the spotlight, but he didn’t actually release solo music until after the hiatus started, he risked a really negative public image by doing so, Simon Cowell had actually claimed the fall before that 1D members could do solo music while in the band, and he missed one of the concerts he’d been really looking forward to (Dubai) instead of at least waiting until the end of that tour leg when there would be a month-long break.  

Additionally, even though Zayn is supposed to be “free of Syco”, it’s pretty clear that his own team is sabotaging his solo career with a complete lack of promo and unnecessarily negative print interviews.  Zayn can’t be blamed for this because even if those things were his choice, they’re not going to earn money and his team has a vested interest in that and yet would apparently be doing nothing about it.  Going back to the theory that Zayn left because of not liking how Syco/Modest did things, clearly him going solo didn’t fix that problem whatsoever and Zayn is too smart to cut ties and burn bridges only to jump from one bad situation into another.

Some people say all of the above things were lies to cover the fact that Zayn and 1D just didn’t get along.  There’s no proof of this.  Like I said, he was just as affectionate with them leading up to his departure.  He was very complimentary of them right after he left, and then suddenly there were Twitter fights with Louis out of nowhere (very suspicious Twitter fights by the way), a supposed feud with Harry (that has only ever existed in the headlines as there is literally no proof other than “a source said”), and negative and then positive and then negative and then positive comments in print interviews despite this being very inconsistent with the official narrative of what’s happened.  Zayn has never from his own mouth said something vitriolic about the other boys.  In fact, the way he talks about them in his few radio/tv interviews is far more positive than his supposed words in print interviews (which can be manipulated very easily).

They claim that Zayn up and decided to leave and then caught a plane without anybody knowing and went back to the UK.  This is very unlikely considering all of the people around him that would notice like the bodyguards, etc.  Also, this assumes Zayn is the type of person who would make such a rash, snap decision.  They also announced him officially leaving not long after which begs the question, did Syco/Modest do nothing to try to persuade/coerce 1/5 of their biggest money-maker to at least finish the tour?

The way it was announced was quite odd, considering it was posted on Facebook of all places immediately after the end of a concert and sounded extremely impersonal like a PR person wrote it (which Zayn later confirmed).  The Mirror also reported on the announcement almost immediately which means they had to be tipped off because they wouldn’t have had time to find the announcement and create an article about it otherwise.

The other odd thing is that there were never any consequences for Zayn leaving.  He’s part of a huge money-making band and he broke a contract with his team, so you would assume that they would 1) sue him, 2) demand he pay the very high fee for getting out of the contract, or 3) drop him from the label/management agency and make sure no one else will work with him in the industry.  None of these things happened.  There’s obviously been no suit as it would have made news.  There was no payoff because Zayn’s net worth never changed in such a dramatic way.  Originally the story was that Syco ONLY let Zayn leave if he signed to them for his solo career, but then Syco claimed to have dropped Zayn BECAUSE he left, but then Syco was still listed on his first solo release (which is sketchy in and of itself).

And let’s talk about the timing once more because there’s a little more to it.  He left 7 shows before the end of the Asia/Africa leg of OTRA.  This meant that he missed the Dubai show which was in an area of the world where he was very popular, where he has cultural ties, and where he had explicitly said he was excited to perform.  That leg was the last leg before a planned 1-month tour break, which would have been a much more logical time to leave, break it to the fans, deal with the paperwork, etc.  That tour was also the last tour before the hiatus.  No, it wasn’t announced until later, but it’s very unlikely it wasn’t planned before that.  Even the fans kind of assumed there would be some sort of break after the album since as far as anyone could guess, that was going to be the end of the Syco/Modest contract time period.  

If Zayn couldn’t stand the band or wanted to go solo or couldn’t stand his management team, there was an obvious out coming up that would have been way less complicated and would have had way fewer potential negative consequences.  For any reason but anxiety (which is eliminated because of the baffling solo career decision), it doesn’t make sense for him to leave instead of waiting out the year.  

There are any number of oddities about the way he left and the given reasons for him leaving.  No matter what theory you look at, it isn’t consistent with logic OR with Zayn’s character and past actions.

So these things were why some of us were suspicious from the start and paid close attention as the events unfolded.  As we did, we just caught more and more inconsistencies and suspicious things.

3) Finally, I need to point out one massive area of evidence about Zayn’s leaving being a (particularly long-lived [although only a couple months longer than babygate]) stunt.  The shade.

The 1D boys have a long history of throwing shade that contradicts the official narrative, thus cluing fans in that some lie is being told.  There’s hella shade around Zayn’s leaving from both him and from the other boys.

The masterpost I linked at the top contains several posts about this, so I’m not going to rehash that here.  However, I will briefly go into what I think is the most compelling evidence that Zayn was actually planned to return to the band in August 2015.

The reason I find this particular shade so compelling is because it’s actually a pattern of shade, and not only is it a pattern of shade, it’s actually 5 overlapping and coordinated patterns of shade.  

The basic idea is that Zayn was scheduled to return on August 5th, around July 26th the boys learned that the return was delayed, the 2nd scheduled return was probably August 18th, and then that return was also delayed/cancelled.

First is Niall’s all-black pattern.  Niall had never worn an all-black outfit on stage before and he’d never repeated the same outfit more than 2 times in a row during a tour, but starting from the concert before Zayn left, he wore all black for 8 shows in a row until the end of that tour leg.  He stopped for the European leg and some of the NA leg.  Then, 8 shows before the August 5th show, Niall starting wearing all black again, like a bookend.  He didn’t make it to 8 shows consecutively because plans got changed, but he did continue wearing some amount of black at almost every show until the end of a tour in an organized pattern.

Second is Rainbow Bondage Bear’s (“RBB”) stickers.  In mid to late August, people started associating the recurring blue and green stickers on RBB with Louis and Harry because of their blue and green mic grips.  In fact, there were orange and yellow stickers (Niall and Zayn) before that, and a red sticker (Liam) showed up after that at strategic times.  The interesting thing is, Zayn’s yellow sticker was up for exactly 8 shows, ending on, you guessed it, August 5th.

Third is the Batman references.  With Liam taking the lead, the references to Batman skyrocketed in August.  Participants included Liam, some of the musical band members, Naughty Boy, and Zayn (yes, both sides participated).  Three particularly compelling references when put together are 1) the bat symbol that was put on the big screen at the 1D concert in Kansas City after the show (the bat signal traditionally calls Batman to come to it), 2) Zayn posting a fanart of his own name in the bat symbol (indicating himself as Batman), and 3) Naughty Boy posting a quote from Batman about the darkest moment being just before the dawn, which he posted with the hashtag “comesoon” (indicating a positive change coming soon).  All together, it’s hard not to read them as a sign that Zayn was supposed to return to the 1D stage soon.  Incidentally, RBB wore a Batman costume on, yes, August 5th.

Fourth is the 5th of the month pattern.  On the 5th of the month, from June 2015 to September 2015, something Ziam-related always happened with the exception of August 5th.  On June 5th Liam wore a ring (unusual for him at the time) in concert.  Surrounding circumstances point to it being Zayn-related.  On July 5th there was a video taken of Liam singing and coming out of the shower where surrounding circumstances point towards Zayn being the one filming.  On September 5th, Zayn and Liam started posting Instagram pictures that seemed to mirror each other or hint at Ziam in some way.  On August 4th, the Zerrie break up was announced, but on August 5th there was nothing in particular.  However, there would have been if that had been the first concert Zayn returned.

Fifth and final is related to the in-ears the boys wear on stage (and specifically to the 2nd return date this time, August 18th).  Oddly enough, the boys seem to change their in-ears in overly patterned ways and although I can’t identify what exactly they’re marking all the time, some of the ones I can link match up to Zayn’s leaving and potential return.  Liam wore a different set of in-ears for the last 5 concerts of the Asia/Africa leg of OTRA, starting on the Jakarta concert which was the first after Zayn’s official leaving announcement was made.  Later, starting on the Winnipeg show on July 24, the first show after Niall’s all-black bookend was disrupted (indicating Zayn’s return date was probably in flux at that point), Niall wore different in-ears for 3 shows.  Then Niall switched back to his regular and Liam picked up the pattern seamlessly by wearing different in-ears for 3 shows and 1 TV performance.  There are 2 possible ways this pattern could have ended that would make sense.  1) Liam could have counted the TV performance, worn in-ears for 1 more show and that would have completed Liam’s bookend of 5 different in-ears ending the show before Zayn’s (2nd scheduled) return on August 18th.  This would have resulted in a total of 8 performances with different in-ears counting both Liam and Niall and both concerts and TV performances, which partially (it doesn’t end on the concert Zayn would return)matches Niall’s bookend pattern.  2) Liam could have not counted the TV performance (the in-ears are almost exclusively a concert pattern) and worn in-ears for 2 more concerts, resulting in 8 total different in-ear shows ending on Zayn’s 2nd return date, completing Niall’s bookend pattern.  This would also mean Liam wore his in-ears for 5 performances, partially matching his bookend pattern (but not ending before the concert Zayn would return).  Again, I think the pattern was disrupted because Zayn’s return was again delayed (indefinitely as it turns out).

All of these patterns are explained in more detail (and with visuals because heaven knows it’s just a lot of dates and numbers without seeing it) in posts that are linked to my masterpost.  

There are also several other surrounding events that seem to confirm Zayn’s delayed returns such as:

the Zerrie break up;

an aborted Zayn-Naughty Boy fight;

the advent of positive 1D-Zayn relations leading up to August and then negative press resuming around August 17th;

a few things that might match up relating to Niall’s Where We Goin’ Today Mark video shade pattern; and 

the release of Drag Me Down which seems to have possibly been moved up by a week or so, indicating it originally might have been an OT5 song meant to be released around Zayn’s return.

To me, the fact that these patterns were so obviously deliberate (they’re way too organized not to be) and that they all overlap and point to the same dates, along with the fact that people from both camps participated in the Batman pattern, points to a definite return plan that was positively anticipated by both the boys and Zayn.

If I were to ever wonder if maybe Zayn really didn’t want to return even if leaving wasn’t his idea in the first place, this is what makes me positive that he did.  

If I ever wonder if maybe there was a falling out with Zayn and the boys after he left, even if he didn’t want to leave to start with, the shade from both sides makes it obvious to me that there never was any real bad blood.  If they all go to the trouble to contradict the official story, then clearly the official story must be a lie and the boys must all be on the same page.

Conclusion

I know this is a long post, but this is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the sketchiness around Zayn leaving.  

Unfortunately, I haven’t followed through on organizing all the evidence like I had planned to at one point, but I think the masterpost I put together does cover a lot even if it’s a bit repetitive with some posts and a bit disorganized.

If anyone has questions that aren’t already covered in the masterpost, go ahead and send me an ask.

[swiftssongs-blog]

I Forgot That You Existed

How many days did I spend Thinkin' 'bout how did me wrong, wrong, wrong Lived in the shade you were throwin' 'Til all of my sunshine was gone, gone, gone And I couldn't get away from you In my feelings more than Drake, so yeah Your name on my lips, tongue tied Free rent, livin' in my mind But then something happened one magical night

“Lived in the shade you were thrown’” can be a direct reference to YNTCD later in the album “Shade never made anybody less gay” while this particular song she said was to bring us out of the Rep era and to show that she has forgotten about the haters (I saw it in an interview that I cannot find at the moment) I don’t think it is far fetched to think that she may have also been put down for her sexuality (which I believe is not straight and I will further promote this theory in later song analysis)

I forgot that you existed And I thought that it would kill me, but it didn't And it was so nice So peaceful and quiet

As we saw in the documentary, she focused on what people thought of her and valued that above almost everything for a long time. Something she had to work really hard to remove from her mind set.

I forgot that you existed It isn't love, it isn't hate It's just indifference

I forgot that you Got out some popcorn As soon as my rep starting going down, down, down Laughed on the schoolyard As soon as I tripped up and hit the ground, ground, ground And I would've stuck around for ya Would've fought the whole town, so yeah Would've been right there front row Even if nobody came to your show But you showed who you are, then one magical night

During the big ordeal with her reputation going down and it becoming global headlines, we can assume that she lost close friends (some that were even a part of her then ‘squad’) and they completely turned their backs on her when she thought that they would still be there for her because she would have been there for them.

I forgot that you existed And I thought that it would kill me, but it didn't And it was so nice So peaceful and quiet

I forgot that you existed It isn't love, it isn't hate It's just indifference

She’s no longer holding a grudge against the people she has lost throughout her life, no matter the scenario under which it happened. She had learned how to “shake it off” and keep moving forward. 

I forgot that you Sent me a clear message Taught me some hard lessons I just forget what they were It's all just a blur

Despite the people that have left her, which obviously hurt her, she has not closed off her heart to love of any form, a common theme throughout Lover the album

I forgot that you existed And I thought that it would kill me, but it didn't And it was so nice So peaceful and quiet

I forgot that you existed I did, I did, I did It isn't hate, it's just indifference It isn't love, it isn't hate It's just indifference (so yeah)

[sanghyunfmd]

Location: Gold Star Media’s HQ, a studio

Event: V-Live Broadcast   |    Timeline: December 28th, 2019, 1 PM. 

Word Count: 1124 words

the view was on and focused on the empty room with the chair upfront. A quick rustling sound in the background, the view was out of focus for a bit after a dull thud, someone held back a cuss behind the screen. “Sorry, I just elbowed the camera,” the raspy voice said. The person stepped in and took over the chair. he sat down with both hands full of lunch boxes. 

Sanghyun grinned to the camera and adjusted the view. “Is it centered now?” he talked to himself, then biting a pair of wooden chopsticks within his teeth. He waved to the camera and reading through the comments rolling up in rapid move on one side of the screen. “Yes, yes, this is Sanghyun. A sudden broadcast because I wanted to.” He paused for a moment to read some messages, answering them. “I’m in the studio right now, going to practice in a bit. No, the dance studio. Does my hair look okay?” He leaned in and ran his fingers through his dark strands. "I look neat? Thank you,” he smiled and moved back to his chair. “Anyways, I’m here to eat some food. What are you guys doing?” Sanghyun began to unwrap the chopsticks, removing the lids of the food containers. “I was bored while waiting for the other members to come so...have you eaten your lunch yet? If you haven’t then hurry up eat something. Filling in your stomach will prevent you from cold, that’s what the theory says.” He pulled a cheeky grin. 

“Today’s lunch is sushi. And some ramen. I ordered them before I turned the camera on,” he explained, holding up a box to bring it out to the viewers. “Yes, these are all for me. I missed breakfast this morning because I was dead tired from last night. Did you guys watch last night’s year-end show?” He nodded at the comments flooding in, answering his question. “Good. Some of you probably watched it at home and some of you attended the show, right? Thank you for staying up to watch us. Everybody got home safely, right?” 

with the chopsticks, he picked a piece of the food, dipped it into the sauce and shoved it into his mouth in one bite. One cheek was immediately stuffed with it. He perked up when particular messages appeared. “The special stage? It was awesome, right? Our members were killing it. The preparation time was short but they nailed it. We still have more to come for the last day of this year so...keep your enthusiasm high.” 

Sanghyun grabbed another piece but it fell off of the grip to the pan. He looked up and showed a confused look for a moment, but then managed to eat it as if nothing happened a second ago. 

While chewing, he caught a question that appeared on the screen. “My new year’s resolution? Let’s see.” He was silent for a while, thinking of the answer in his head. “There might be a lot. I think...I want to try a lot of new things starting next year. It might be mundane and insignificant but...I don’t know, I feel like trying it. Things like...dying my hair?” He raised a brow to tease the audience, then let out a burst of short laughter. “I have never dyed my hair before. I did brown but it didn’t count, right? It’s not as dramatic as picking a bold color. I heard bleaching your hair is really painful when the chemical touches your scalp, so that’s the only thing that makes me nervous. Aside from that...I should finish more books next year. This year I didn’t read much--and I don’t want to make any excuse because that would be unfair. I believe anybody can finish anything if they’re determined to do so. But I didn’t have many motivations to reach my target this year, so new books to read will be nice, to spend any days off by reading.” 

When a particular comment appeared, Sanghyun glanced at the manager who was watching over him. “A new album...you can expect that from us, of course. We’re in the middle of a discussion of it, still, but I hope there will be something released. Just wait for it, okay? I know waiting is not the most fun part but be excited for us in between. Since we also get involved in the production now, it takes a longer time to approve everything. I don’t take a major part in producing the song, but I’m around if the members need opinions on their works. We’re pretty open about it.” He nodded and took by surprise when another question popped up. “A solo track? From me? I don’t know about that. That would be fun, though. We’ll see. I’m not trying to give a high hope or anything, but if there’s a song trusted on me, then I would do it. It would be a fun experience, of course. As for solo projects...I can’t say much about that.” 

Later on, Sanghyun began to talk about his desire to pursue a higher degree of education. It might seem a bit late for him to start, he assumed, but he always had the willingness to learn when it comes to his personal interest. “I had a brief discussion about it with our manager, and he said it would be considered. It’s been a while since I studied hard though,” he smiled, feeling embarrassed. “But we’ll see about college. The college entrance examination is kind of intimidating, and I know many of you will face it next year, even if it’s your first time or the ninth time, but what’s important is how well you’ve prepared yourself for it. And if it’s really what you want to do with your life. I’m not pressured by my parents to go to college, but I’ve thought about it for a while now. But we’ll see. We might be seeing each other at the entrance exam day.” He reached out to touch the screen and scrolled back on the comments he had missed. “’Oppa, you’re so handsome’ Thank you. ‘Please keep yourself warm and be careful of the slippery stage’ I will, thank you for the reminder. You be careful out there too, okay, InPulse? Because we will see each other again soon. I don’t want to hear you guys getting in trouble.”

The manager called out that it’s time for Sanghyun to go. He passed the message to the viewers who instantly begged him not to go, which cracked him up a little. “I really have to go, though. And I almost finish my lunch,” he lifted the half-empty container. “You smile a lot today. I’m glad.’ do I? Thank you for noticing that. I’ve been in a good mood. It always makes me happy to come and see you guys anyways,” Sanghyun reasoned as he cleaned up the table. 

“Okay, I really have to go now. Thank you for joining my short eating broadcast. When I have time, I will greet you like this again. Be careful and eat your food, InPulse. I’m going now. Bye. I love you,” he ended the broadcast with a warm smile, waving his hand. As he reached out for the screen, in turned black a second later which marked the end of the video. 

[intoxicatingimmediacy]

Big Ups: Clipping Pick Their Bandcamp Favorites

“Right from the beginning, we always wanted to make a horror-themed record,” says Jonathan Snipes, a producer in the Los Angeles-based progressive noise-rap trio Clipping, alongside MC Daveed Diggs and fellow beatsmith Bill Hutson. The group’s third project for Sub Pop, There Existed an Addiction to Blood, updates the cult horrorcore hip-hop trend of the mid ‘90s in a thrilling and forward-thinking fashion. It’s a striking and deeply atmospheric record, powered by synth-based sonic experimentalism and grisly concept-focused writing that exudes a sinister and shadowy feel.

There Existed an Addiction to Blood adds to a stellar canon of work that kicked off with Clipping’s introductory midcity mixtape in 2013. “That one was really us learning how to be Clipping, and what we sounded like,” says Hutson, who helped mastermind the project’s metallic, glitch-afflicted beats. On the following year’s debut album, CLPPNG, the crew moved further towards what Hutson calls “dark and noise-tinged instrumentals.” The omission of the letter I in the album title represents the way Diggs avoids rhyming in the first person. Hutson maintains that if much of hip-hop involves MCs rapping about their own lives, Clipping’s music strives to be “a novel, not a memoir.” Case in point: 2016’s Splendor & Misery took shape as an Afrofuturist sci-fi adventure that explored an artificial intelligence world; 2017’s single “The Deep” inspired the author Rivers Solomon to expand the song’s environment into a novella of the same name.

Basing There Existed an Addiction to Blood around horrorcore and gory movies is a natural representation of Clipping’s influences and the way the trio approach writing songs. “Horrorcore is this forgotten and maligned subgenre of hip-hop that we’ve always had a tremendous amount of affection for,” says Hutson. “So much of Clipping is about referencing styles of hip-hop—almost all our songs were conceived as our take on a certain type of rap song—so this horror album was always going to happen.” Snipes adds, “We think of each of these songs as self-contained movie scores of vignettes in a specific genre.”

The original horrorcore movement that inspired Clipping’s latest album was spearheaded by RZA and Prince Paul’s Gravediggaz project, plus artists including Houston’s Ganksta N-I-P, Detroit’s Esham, and New York City’s Flatlinerz. ‘90s horrorcore lyrics were packed with macabre imagery and references to psychological disorders, satanism, and cannibalism; the gruesome verses were often relayed over willfully dank and grimey production. Clipping’s resurrection of the subgenre taps into the same lyrical themes—but this time Digg’s intense verses are backed by marauding waves of monstrous synths, sharp abrasive stabs of discordant noise, and snatches of field recordings that bring a chilling realism to There Existed an Addiction to Blood.

Key song “Run For Your Life” plays out like a frantic short movie. It co-stars Memphis MC La Chat, who used to roll with Three 6 Mafia and the Hypnotize Minds roster back in the ‘90s. “She’s hunting down Daveed and approaching and moving behind him in a car,” says Snipes. “Then in the third verse, we’re fully in the car with her.” To drum up the effect of the protagonist being chased to a bloody demise, Digg’s lyrics are surrounded by constantly shifting ambient noise: The sound of passing cars blasting music and dogs barking literally pulls the listener into the chilling scenario.

The same blend of adventurous production techniques and concept-heavy writing present on Clipping’s latest album also runs through Hutson and Snipes’s Bandcamp recommendations. Blasts of abstract hip-hop lyricism mix with innovative thematic albums and avant-garde film scores, adding up to a smart representation of Clipping’s advanced-level musical DNA.

Bill Hutson

Dax Pierson - Live In Oakland

I first saw Dax Pierson play around 2003, when he was in a group called Subtle that was an Anticon side project with Dose One and Jel. Dax was also the secret weapon of the Themselves project, which was also Dose and Jel, and on tour he’d play keys and finger drum on MPCs. Dax is this compelling, creative performer and composer. This tape came out on Ratskin and it’s from a more recent show—I might have even been at the show! His music is fascinating, almost uncategorizable left-field dance stuff that’s blending all these ideas.

John Wall - Hylic

I was really enamored of improvised music in the early ‘00s, and it’s a lot of what fueled my ravenous collector habit, which came from having to track down these obscure records that came from Japan and Germany and Switzerland and England, where they were only pressing a couple of hundred copies. John Wall is very careful as a computer music composer, and he’d spend years and years cutting up tiny pieces of improvised sounds and turning them into these totally austere and totally alien compositions. I was fascinated by the disparity between how much intention there was behind it and how alien the result sounds. Hylic almost sounds like there’s no human brain making logical choices that would compose this music—it feels like it’s naturally occurring in some way, like you’re listening to the background radiation of the solar system—but there’s also the most extreme version of authorship going into it.

billy woods - Hiding Places

I think billy woods is a fantastic example of this very abstract and angular and strange rapper but with these really strong connections to the history of New York rap. It’s almost like he’s from a different timeline where southern hip-hop didn’t take over the mainstream in the ‘00s and we kept going with Nas and Wu-Tang, and it’s developed into this new form. [Producer] Kenny Segal is a buddy—we’ve toured with him—and he would have been a youngster in the Project Blowed days but came out of the experimental L.A. hip-hop scene that produced Abstract Rude and Freestyle Fellowship and, later with the beatmakers, birthed the whole Low End Theory and Brainfeeder movement. This album is a New York and L.A. collab record that seems to perfectly synthesize two different types of left of center aesthetics, but feels completely natural in a way we wouldn’t have expected maybe 20 years ago.

Kevin Drumm - 09082001 gtr​/​synth ‘solo’

I included this not because anyone needs me to tell them Kevin Drumm is a fuckin’ noise hero, but I wanted to include Drumm because I think what he’s doing is a really unique thing that Bandcamp can provide: A couple of months ago I bought Drumm’s entire discography for like $22, which was like a hundred or so releases! He puts out so much, and it’s all of such high quality. This specific recording is from my favorite period of his work in the early-2000s, but it wasn’t available [back then] until he started bypassing labels and physical copies and started putting everything up himself direct to the fans.

DEBBY FRIDAY - DEATH DRIVE

[The label] Deathbomb Arc put out some of the first Clipping stuff. I think of [founder] Brian Miller as A&Ring my listening habits because he’s out there finding new artists I wouldn’t come across and putting out their records. DEBBY FRIDAY completely blew me away—this release seems both out of nowhere and so fully formed. It’s just brilliant and sort of industrial hip-hop. It’s really like the best Skinny Puppy album we never got but with way better lyrics and content and performance. It’s so smart and dark—she’s a really great lyricist.

Jonathan Snipes

Missincinatti - remove not the ancient landmarks

Missincinatti was Jeremy Drake, Jessica Catron, and Corey Fogel, and they had this band for a short time in L.A. where they played these contemporary arrangements of sea shanties. They’re all incredible musicians, and their arrangements were always so off-kilter and smart. This album is only on Bandcamp, and it’s like a little monument to this band that I loved so much for a short time. One of my favorite things is arrangements of folk music that almost feel like critical theory about folk music and this project feels like it’s in this realm. I wish they were still around playing shows so I could go to them.

François-Eudes Chanfrault - Inside

I discovered François-Eudes Chanfrault when I saw the movie for which this is the score. Then, when I started looking into François’s music, I realized that I’d run across him in online nerdy computer music circles. He became one of my favorite composers, and I became obsessed with tracking his music down. The development of the Inside score is really slow and tasteful, and that’s hard to accomplish when working with film. I also score movies, and film music always feels like if the music’s following a picture. It wants to be fast and have abrupt changes—but François is someone who is somehow able to make these really long elegant cues that actually play against the action of the film in this really striking way. It’s probably the last score I’d expect anybody to write for that movie, and it hits exactly the right tone. His use of electronics and computers and his use of a chamber ensemble are perfectly matched.

Lauren Bousfield - Fire Songs

Lauren’s a really good friend, and this album’s only available on Bandcamp. She’s an incredible musician—an absolute genius. This is the album she released shortly after her house burned down and she lost all her possessions in the fire. It feels very personal. It’s easy to think of electronic and breakcore as just splattered breakbeats that feel mechanical and machine-based. But this one, with the context [of the backstory], feels very emotional, and almost makes me tear up when I hear it.

Bryce Miller - W A S P

Bryce Miller is someone I found through some Bandcamp journalism, which I read regularly. This album, which is based on the Stieg Larsson Millennium books, is elegant and precise. There’s a lot of this retro ’80s synthwave stuff flying around—I’ve made a fair bit of it myself—but somehow this really nailed the tone of feeling very contemporary, but also very ancient. It’s like what I wanted synth records in the ’80s to sound like at the time, but they never quite did. The sense of melody and structure and tension and release is really spot on. Bryce feels like a real composer in that realm.

Max Tundra - With Love To Mummy

I first heard Max Tundra on the double disc compilation Tigerbeat6 Inc. from like 2001. I was really into Aphex Twin and Squarepusher and Kid606 and Matmos, and I was trying to figure out who was doing weird electronic music and that comp came out and it ended up being a huge window into bands I’d never heard of. Max Tundra’s track [“The Bill”] sounded like a general MIDI soundtrack to a spy show that he’d recorded into his answering machine! I’ve been a lifelong fan of his since then, and this collection is, like, his teenage recordings—it’s really interesting to hear his old music. It’s charming and fun to listen to as a fan, and to note where his music took him after that. I suppose other people feel the same way about that Radiohead release.

[hopefeltmywhatever]

A Very Larry Analysis - MMITH

Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson are human masterpieces—don’t ever fight me on that (you’ll be wrong)—and in honor of his Elton John Halloween costume:

and Louis’ amazing judging on the X Factor:

I’ve decided to debunk another song (WOW, I know). And it is...(drumroll, please) Meet Me in the Hallway by Hazza. I just want to put my own spin on some of the theories out there and see what happens.

As I said in my last AVLA about Woman, Harry’s album is filled with bops. Meet Me in the Hallway is a sad song amongst these bops. And of course, that is already discouraging because it means that something really bad happened in Harry’s (love) life. And for most of us Larries, his love life is (and always has been and will be) Louis. So, the fact that Harry wrote a sad love song is depressing. But, let’s analyze!

The song starts a lil countdown and then goes:

Meet me in the hallway

Meet me in the hallway

I just left your bedroom

Give me some morphine

Is there anymore to do?

Harry starts the song off asking someone (Louis) to follow him. He’s just left them, their room, their bed, their relationship, and yearns for Louis to run after him. He’s left him but hasn’t gotten over them yet. Or, at all. Haz goes on to ask for some morphine, an intense pain relieving drug. He’s been hurt so badly by the end of the relationship that he needs metaphorical morphine. [We all know Lou can be mean when he wants to be or when he needs to protect himself.] Harry then asks, Is there anymore to do? He wants to know if there’s anything he can do to save his relationship. He’s starting to give up and doesn’t know what else to try. He could also be referring to the morphine, asking if there’s anything else to ease his pain.

Then, Harry says:

Just let me know I'll be at the door, at the door

Hoping you'll come around

Just let me know I'll be on the floor, on the floor

Maybe we'll work it out

I gotta get better, gotta get better [x3]

And maybe we'll work it out

Harry wants this person to just tell him what he can do to get him back. He has no idea. [Louis would make Harry fight for him, cuz he’s stubborn af.] But he’ll wait for him. He’s hoping that his lover will let him in, let them understand and love each other. Harry goes on to sing Just let me know I'll be on the floor, on the floor which could mean two things. 1) He’s given up a lot of hope but, will still be waiting for his significant other (Lewis) to take him back or 2) he’s hurting so much that he can’t stand to wait anymore and has physically given up. He still has hope, though, and thinks that one day they’ll work out. The last few lines of the chorus (I gotta get better, gotta get better) are repeated constantly throughout the song. It’s a mantra that Harry is saying to himself. He blames himself for the demise of his relationship and feels like he needs to change to deserve this person again. The person that he was when he was in that relationship was not the best version of himself; he thinks that is why they are not together anymore.

Then, we get the second verse:

I walked the streets all day

Running with the thieves

'Cause you left me in the hallway

(Give me some more)

Just take the pain away

Harry spent his time alone doing nothing but waiting for his lover — he just wandered. He is lost without them, his days and his life has no purpose without them. His pain drove him to bad things because he was left vulnerable.

The chorus repeats here, only reiterating it’s message.

Then, we get to the end:

We don't talk about it

It's something we don't do

'Cause once you go without it

Nothing else will do

This outro could mean two things, as well. 1) H and L got back together, the pain of not being together too strong. Nobody else lives up to him and Harry could never love anybody else the same way. But, tbey don’t talk about the ‘breakup’. Lack of communication is a big theme, actually, in Harry’s songs about Louis love and love lost (Sweet Creature, Two Ghosts, Ever Since New York) and we all know that Lewis probably doesn’t like to talk about his feelings. Or, 2) they didn’t get back together and they definitely do not talk about what happened. This implies that his ex is around a lot (like in his band) and there was no closure. He still won’t be able to love anyone else. Nothing compares to Louis his ex-partner.

Okay, I know that was depressing (you survived, yay!). And in a very Larry conclusion: some time ago Louis and Harry went on a lil break and Harry wrote a song about it.

If you’re sad now, it’s not on me sista but take a look at our Larrents.