#anxiety like i'm being hunted for sport
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i've never played an MMO before FFXIV and the levels of anxiety i get when forced to do content with other people oh my god
like damn maybe i should just watch the cutscenes online because i can't handle this lmao
#anxiety like i'm being hunted for sport#ffxiv#ffxiv sprout#i dont know anyone else who plays this game sigh#it doesnt help i'm on controller and have some nerve issues in my left hand so sometimes my fingers don't work properly#and that makes my anxiety even worse uggghhhg#i know this is supposed to be fun lol#genuinely i only started playing bc i saw a vid of emet selch and i was like WHO WHO IS THIS#i'm a simple creature idk#i see a smarmy asshole in a long coat and i'm like oooooo ok#i have a type
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😬
#random personal stuff#I'm a little nervous at work today#got an email from collection development asking what was taking so long to order books#literally a day after I had a talk with my boss about The Concerns#CDL seems a bit annoyed possibly and kind of passive-aggressive#so I am awaiting instruction on how to respond#but yikes this is not great for the anxiety#(I can hardly reply with the actual reason which is: I haven't ordered them yet because of Concerns)#anyway if you think of it please pray for me that I will not irrationally feel like I'm being hunted for sport today#thank goodness I'm working in the evening and thus will have limited time today around this guy
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#ive been stressing all day about a purchase i'm not even making lol#i have mental problems sjfmsjg#no but for real i was reviewing the tablet i had decided on to buy in the distant future#and found out it's actually not very good for drawing which is the sole reason i want to get a tablet#and i got physical symptoms of anxiety and dread as if i had wasted money#on a thing I DIDN'T BUY#but then i found another tablet which is good for drawing and it's a bit more expensive#and once again i got the anxiety levels of someone being hunted for sport#for another product I DIDN'T BUY#but it's just this horrible timing thing that's making me anxious#because it's a lot of money that i have to spend on this#and I don't have a regular income#and my country's economy is hell to the point that by tomorrow the price could double without warning#and there's also there's some sales coming so maybe i should wait til then#but then also i have to catch the sale and the product i want#and also the holidays are coming so the price might spike up#and i never know when the correct time to buy anything is!!#and this folks is why I don't gamble lol#no but for real... i have been panicking all day and I don't even have a proper reason#i could also live without the tablet very well so it feels like a waste of money in general#so...#i have issues with spending money...#especially because I don't know when it's gonna be the next time i get work#could be next week... could be in six months... could be never again...#if i just could get hired for a proper project woth a decent pay...#ahhh the dream :')#ok i'm gonna go to bed now (if my stupid ear '''''infection'''''' lets me...)#life is hell but at least i got to boop people today <3#angel talks#personal
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You would think with all this anxiety that I was being hunted for sport
#I am in fact not being hunted for sport#I am just going to London which requires getting on trains#but not for another 7 hours#I have another 7 hours before I have to leave and I feel like this#bears in trees will be worth it but fucking hell anxiety is no bloody joke#I also didn't sleep because of it#I'm having a great time... not#delete later
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Honestly, my regular anxiety levels are WAY too high for someone with a life as relaxed as mine
#There's NO way I don't have some kind of severe anxiety Dissorder or something#Because like#I just had a wonderful day#Yeah had some rough moments but it genuinely was a very nice day#Yet here I am#Feeling like I'm literally being hunted for sport#Oh well#Anther thing to the “things wrong with me that I can't do anything about” list#God I wish I could factory reset this brain sometimes
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i was so excited to be home and get to work on things but now that i am all i can manage is stare at screen with 0 brain activity and be so sleepy
#texts.#but also my anxiety levels are???? idk why i feel like i'm being hunted for sport????#hello??? i can't even focus on watching a youtube video i'm so out of it
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(trying out a tumblr vent, don't mind me)
#when will i stop getting fucking COLD FLUSHES of anxiety in flirty interactions#i know it's related to anxiety about having to set boundaries that i don't fully know myself#and the fear of having to communicate when they've changed in ways i don't think the other person will “like”#the stresses of being asexual in the dating scene#i'm talking to a guy at the moment and i'm attracted to him#but he just made a jokey comment about making out which is a totally normal flirty thing to say#but immediately my body has flooded the adrenaline (not in the good way) like i'm being hunted for sport#and i KNOW if i communicate to him that i don't know if i want that he'll probably understand#and i KNOW that most people won't push deliberately when you say you want to take things slow#but there's just such a strong perceived pressure that it takes almost nothing from the other person for that fear to bubble up#i hate hard conversations and i hate not being able to go with the flow on things#and being “difficult”#and i don't know anyone else i can talk to who feels this way for ideas on how to work around it#i genuinely think this is the biggest thing holding me back#after my first kiss i got so anxious and wrapped up in my head because i didn't like it that much; that ALL of my feelings towards that#person went sour and i lost all attraction to them#literally how do you work around THAT#it feels like everyone around me has the physical/sexual attraction to fall back on when they're unsure#but i don't have that#literally what do you even DOOOO with this hhHGHGHGHGUHURGHUGUGHGH
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being both an extrovert and socially anxious is the worst combination of traits god could curse someone with. at least i also have a fat ass though.
#rachel rants#this is my pinned tweet lmao but i'm feeling it rn#when will science invent a texting my friends that doesn't give me anxiety like i'm being hunted for sport.#extrovert: non-practicing
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#having the most anxiety abt moving#i have been feeling like I'm being hunted for sport the last 2 days#I'm supposed to be moving today and i really dont want to#!
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okay guess we won't be going in to work tomorrow either, since we've been fighting off a panic attack all evening and cannot breathe
#heart racing like we're being hunted for sport :)#today was a Day. had a crisis point today. multiple breakdowns. resurfacing trauma related to work. fun stuff.#plus last night i was up for hours for no reason wide awake from anxiety... it's been one thing after another#and i've had to keep calling out of work which is making me MORE stressed about finances which is the biggest stressor anyway#both today and yesterday i've had to be there for others in crisis (no one here) and it's taken a huge emotional and mental toll on me#that i haven't even realized until like. just now. but remember when i made that post awhile back about going in to work making me want to#die? well i think i am approaching full on burnout. like it's so bad.#i just need a fucking Break. i need to rest#but calling out of work ALSO gives me anxiety because i am in DEBT and can't afford RENT this month and have already called out too much#going in to work stresses me out and so does not going into work. so. hm. guess i'll die#now that i'm not having migraines all the time (the meds i got have helped a lot) i have room for my other problems#plus it's been impeding system communication#so tomorrow we are STAYING HOME and we are RESTING and maybe turning off notifications for awhile#we haven't had time to ourselves in too long#win rambles
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Binge-reading Dungeon Meshi because it's the only thing standing between me and suicide ngl.
#it at least gave me the single molecule of mental energy required to force myself to eat at least one slice of bread#because it's like the physical energy is there sure but mentally I'm like 'noooooo I don't want to eat anything i hate food#all food tastes bad and i hate life and i want to eat nothing at all and furthermore i need to lose weight so i should starve myself'#I'm thinking that it might actually make me last until I either convince the crisis center that I'm for fucking real for real#or until my appointment with the school counselor. which idk when would be because i was supposed to go on the#2nd of April but i guess there might be holidays because he called me when i was atva lecture but i couldn't take it#because i had a lecture and he hasn't called since but I'm assuming#that hell call again and that he wants to let me know that the date is impossible#but I want to like wait and see what he says. and if he goes like 'oh actually im on a long vacay now goodbye forever'#or whatever I'll just go '...slay' and ride my ass to the hospital tomorrow.#show up at the crisis centre looking exactly like the patients with chronic pain who report pain 7 while looking unphased#like 'hello i am an active danger to myself I can't get out of bed most days; i need 16 hours of sleep to function for 4 hours#my meds have stopped working I haven't eaten anything but exactly 2 pancakes and a slice of bread in the past 4 days#and i exhibit a strong refusal to change this marked by thoughts present in people affected by eating disorders. no activity#feels fun anymore and they were marked by a strong sense of anxiety a few days ago but now i just feel nothing at all.#at this point I'm not even refusing to do any of my hobbies because im increasingly afraid of failure and its#consequences while being hunted for sport by anxiety from the opposite end telling me that i need to finish 50 masterpieces#immediately or nobody will ever like me again and they'll all see me for the talentless fraud i am. at this point i just don't care.#i don't do anything because i feel sluggish and my body is heavy and I'm so so tired and I'm tired of being awake and I can't think straight#also i think i might be going into a psychotic episode again.'#they're gonna tell me to get the fuck out of their faces anyway but it's worth a try.#like idk i feel like they might kinda listen because yesterday I guess they wouldn't have but today i have stopped caring about cars#and looking both ways. which is like. not a good sign probably. also yesterday i was still somewhat able to talk to people#even though i was in a very irritated and drained out state but today I'm feeling like if anyone even fucking attempts to talk to me#or if i hear any loud fucking sound at all I'm just gonna punch myself in the head until the pain drowns out all the sound
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"He transformed into a spider and now he has a disease named after him" takes me out every time 😂 Poor Barclay
#deanna then being like ''i think i better clear my calendar for the next few weeks'' 😭😂#i hate how much i relate to reg sometimes omfg#i mean. at least he's smart and useful i guess so I'm honestly a little jealous#plus he was very much right about there being something in the transporter that time#and he actually does have very serious things to be potentially anxious about#I'm just. like. trying to figure out what to fix for dinner while feeling like I'm being hunted for sport or something#(but there was that one time my anxiety might have saved my life)
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fellas is it anxiety to have a feeling like I'm going to be yelled at and fired at any minute bc I missed a thing I need to fill out at work, or is that just solid healthy work ethic
#personal tag#work tag#anxiety blogging#bruh I feel like I'm being hunted for sport rn. I received one (1) email about it yesterday and it's all I can think about rn
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#whenever my anxiety is acting up my first thought is well fuck you i ain't taking no ssris#because look it aint that bad my body just starts acting like i'm being hunted by sport for no fucking reason#but i still can breathe and function and all just also get kind of irritated in a way that i can be irrational too#BUT why would i take something that would make feel truly truly like shit and would TRULY impair me to function#i'm sorry i'm a hater of that shit idk and i can't afford not being able to function
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I did the interview & I'm still so so so very nervous guys what if they call me a liar & crucify me on the spot
I got a job interview in a couple hours and I'm so so so very nervous
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Hello mod, may I request something cutesy for Skateboard x reader?
summary - skateboard x reader, reader is from blackrock and is described as being a little bit messed up from it (not detailed)
misc - hi i seen this request and got so excited i love skateboard ... 1million tripmine attack go
-Skateboard hadn't really been looking to make any new friends when he'd stumbled onto you. It'd been late at night and he was dead tired, having spent the entire day in the blistering heat of day. He was really just looking to go home when he'd seen you.
-It wasn't uncommon to see people lost in Playground, especially people from other regions. It was less common to see someone frantically pacing back and forth with a stuffed full suitcase and what was very obviously a Blackrock-style uniform talking about getting hunted for sport.
-Initially, the uniform had put him on edge. He phights Subspace and Hyperlaser all the time and he's seen plenty of people from there pass through Playground, and it wasn't often they had good intentions. There was something different about you, though, your panic didn't seem manufactured to draw someone in, it felt unnervingly genuine. Blackrock isn't exactly known for letting its residents easily slip out whenever they want. if you really were some kind of runaway, you definitely had reason to be freaking out.
-Against his better judgement, he approached you.
"Hey man, are you ok?" Skate asked cautiously, taking a few steps closer to you. He kept his distance, he wasn't sure what kind of gear you might have and he wasn't looking to phight right now. Your head had whipped towards him the moment he'd stepped into the alley, wide eyes darting over his figure. He certainly didn't look like the type to be affiliated with the faction. Besides, to be entirely honest, an alley was a pretty terrible place to hide. For any Blackrock authority with an itchy trigger finger (most of them, you noted bitterly), it was the perfect place to solve a runaway. "Hello...?" You blinked, remembering he'd asked a question. "O-Oh, um... Yeah I'm- I'm fine," you stammered, hastily smoothing yourself out and ripping your eyes away. Any attempt at looking casual was soaked in anxiety. "Right, Right," he didn't believe you at all, "You mind telling me what's up then?" You kicked at the ground a few times, scuffing up already worn workboots out in an attempt to shake your nerves. You couldn't meet his eyes for more than a glance. "I'd rather not." Skate paused for a few moments. Maybe it's exhaustion talking, but you really didn't seem like much of a threat. If you were trying to bait him into getting close, it seemed counterintuitive to be acting so guarded. This didn't feel like an elaborate scheme, it just felt like a genuine moment of crisis. Before he could say anything, you spoke up again. "Listen I just- Do you need something? I really don't know why you're talking to me." You were struggling to keep your voice firm, but you couldn't afford to let your voice wobble over the edge and into tears. "Hey, just calm down. I wanna help you, ok?" This could have been a stupid move, but he took another few steps closer, one arm holding his board and the other raised in a show of pacifism, "I'm sorry if I was freakin' you out with all the questions. Do you have anywhere to go?" You bit the inside of your cheek, mentally debating if you really wanted to put this onto a stranger. On one hand, it was just humiliating for you. On the other, it was a risk, he might be playing nice now but he could sell you out in a heartbeat. "No." "Alright, well how about you come with me?" He was quick to clarify when you glanced at him, "You can stay with me until you find a place! Or, I could try and find some hotel nearby, I guess ..." He trailed off, talking more to himself than you. Part of you was screaming to run the other way, as far as you knew this guy had you totally figured out and was ready to use the situation to get whatever it was he wanted. He could blackmail you, rat you out, ruin every chance you have at a new life. You can't just pick up and keep running if he tries anything, this guy was clearly from here, far more familiar with the bustling city than you were. Despite all this- "Please."
-It was a pretty long adjustment period. Skate was a little too casual and open for your paranoid mind to comprehend and you were a little too guarded and mysterious for Skate to trust you fully. You were so unfamiliar with Playground's culture, the lively and crowded atmosphere was a stark contrast to the utilitarian lifestyle you were accustomed to. There was little you could do other than try and bully forward.
-It was the little things that made Skate warm up to you. You always insisted it was out of politeness whenever he'd confront you about how nice the place looked or how there was leftovers for him when he got home. You would get wrapped up in something and you would start talking to yourself, walking through all the different steps and alternatives in a long ramble under your breath. Despite the exterior you were putting up, there was clearly some life to you yet.
-Sometimes he would tease you about it, but he was surprisingly strategic. He'd annoy you just enough to get you to glare at him and then back off for a while, returning the favor by bringing home snacks and takeout for the two of you in an effort to draw out more of that humanity. Besides, you could really use the food. The day he noticed most everything you made for yourself was just whatever used the least amount of resources was the same day he shoved most of his portion over to you without a word.
-Neither of you really noticed how you opened up to one another. Slowly you two stopped sitting on opposite sides of the room until you spent nights laying on one another watching bad tv. Admittedly, he might've gotten the first hint at his crush for you the first time you fell asleep on him. Sure, it was just plain cute, but it meant something more knowing it was you, the same person who used to run off to go eat by yourself every night and stuck to the corners of a room.
-He noticed your quirks become more apparent, little references and phrases he'd never heard before suddenly littered your every word. You spoke more openly, though you still had a tendency of not talking unless he said something that absolutely called for it. He didn't mind, he was usually the more chatty one in his friendships anyway. He just liked getting an excuse to tell you about all the phights he's been in and all the (more lighthearted) things his gang was up to. At some points, the lines between fabrication and reality in his stories blurred for whatever reason. He didn't mind that either, so long as you were laughing or drawn in by what he was saying.
-You weren't into the idea of phighting yourself, it was just a little too much for you. Besides, even the idea of seeing Hyperlaser or Subspace again on the battlefield of all places made your stomach churn. Instead, he'd just gotten you into play wrestling with him. You were stronger than he'd been expecting, though he probably should've known you would be considering your background. He didn't have to take it easy on you, only really holding back for the sake of not breaking anything.
-It was cliche, but there was some time where you'd won and managed to shove him down and keep him there and all the admiration he' been building up for you overflowed and left him looking up at you with some dumb grin. You were smiling back, something you'd only recently really started doing again. He liked to think it was because you were comfortable here with him, you would agree.
"Hi." "Hey." He laughed again, a nervous habit you often poked fun at, "You're really pretty, you know that?" You'd burnt up at that, laughing a little yourself as you stared down at him, "Where's this coming from?" "I dunno, just been thinking it." "You're weird." "Do you like me weird?" You snorted, halfheartedly swatting him one more time before pushing yourself back up. "Of course." "That's good, I like you weird too," the moment he'd finished his sentence, you were already pouncing on him again.
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