#anxiety like i'm being hunted for sport
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i've never played an MMO before FFXIV and the levels of anxiety i get when forced to do content with other people oh my god
like damn maybe i should just watch the cutscenes online because i can't handle this lmao
#anxiety like i'm being hunted for sport#ffxiv#ffxiv sprout#i dont know anyone else who plays this game sigh#it doesnt help i'm on controller and have some nerve issues in my left hand so sometimes my fingers don't work properly#and that makes my anxiety even worse uggghhhg#i know this is supposed to be fun lol#genuinely i only started playing bc i saw a vid of emet selch and i was like WHO WHO IS THIS#i'm a simple creature idk#i see a smarmy asshole in a long coat and i'm like oooooo ok#i have a type
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#well I just submitted my essay for my history class so I'm finally done with finals#I wish I felt happier or relieved or something but I don't. I feel awful. my body hurts from the incredible amount of tension/anxiety I had#trying to finish it before 11:59. I submitted it at 11:55. I have never come that close before and I hate it#the amount of anxiety I had you'd think the deadline was hunting me for sport#and what's worse is I felt all this anxiety and put all this work into it and I'm not even happy about it#I spent two days trying to figure out what he wanted us to write about because apparently he just seems to be really bad at instructions#like I thought maybe it was just me overthinking but I spent two hours talking to my mom about it and in the end even she couldn't figure i#so then I had only two days to gather notes make an outline write an essay. while burnt out and barely able to focus.#and while not knowing exactly what I was doing like is this what he wants. is it not. who knows I literally don't have time left#to figure it out I just need to write something and hope it works#but I hate being unsure it makes everything harder#especially because I really wanted to make a good grade. this was the class where I made a 78 on my midterm#which brought my class grade to a B but I'd been able to get it back to an A and I'd be able to keep it if I got like an 80ish on the final#the essay turned out okay idk if it's what he wanted but whatever at least I got the other requirements like word count and sources#but the CITATIONS...we had to use chicago which I'd never used before and let me just say. mla is the love of my life after this.#actually chicago might not be that bad if I got used to it I think my violence should be directed toward every word processor#that links footnotes. it is so STUPID that there isn't an easier way to make them different#if it hadn't been for trying to figure out footnotes on google docs I could've submitted it like ten minutes earlier#and with phenomenally less stress#I eventually had to make a choice as to what I'd give up: (1) submitting it on time (2) perfect citations or (3) word doc#which is what he wanted it submitted as#except when I tried that thank goodness I looked at the preview before I submitted it because I saw that it'd messed up the citations#I ended up submitting it as a pdf. on time. with perfect (maybe) (I didn't have time to double check) citations. but not as a word doc.#is it the end of the world? idk probably not but not meeting a professor's requirements is like. anathema.#all of that is to say that I'm going to cry and then let it go and get to bed and just. idk. I've reached that point where#I'm so tired and numb that it feels like I'll never feel better#anyway#maybe I hurt because of my meds and the side effects decided to kick in now because the grace of God held them back long enough#for me to finish#earl crow ramblings
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#ive been stressing all day about a purchase i'm not even making lol#i have mental problems sjfmsjg#no but for real i was reviewing the tablet i had decided on to buy in the distant future#and found out it's actually not very good for drawing which is the sole reason i want to get a tablet#and i got physical symptoms of anxiety and dread as if i had wasted money#on a thing I DIDN'T BUY#but then i found another tablet which is good for drawing and it's a bit more expensive#and once again i got the anxiety levels of someone being hunted for sport#for another product I DIDN'T BUY#but it's just this horrible timing thing that's making me anxious#because it's a lot of money that i have to spend on this#and I don't have a regular income#and my country's economy is hell to the point that by tomorrow the price could double without warning#and there's also there's some sales coming so maybe i should wait til then#but then also i have to catch the sale and the product i want#and also the holidays are coming so the price might spike up#and i never know when the correct time to buy anything is!!#and this folks is why I don't gamble lol#no but for real... i have been panicking all day and I don't even have a proper reason#i could also live without the tablet very well so it feels like a waste of money in general#so...#i have issues with spending money...#especially because I don't know when it's gonna be the next time i get work#could be next week... could be in six months... could be never again...#if i just could get hired for a proper project woth a decent pay...#ahhh the dream :')#ok i'm gonna go to bed now (if my stupid ear '''''infection'''''' lets me...)#life is hell but at least i got to boop people today <3#angel talks#personal
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You would think with all this anxiety that I was being hunted for sport
#I am in fact not being hunted for sport#I am just going to London which requires getting on trains#but not for another 7 hours#I have another 7 hours before I have to leave and I feel like this#bears in trees will be worth it but fucking hell anxiety is no bloody joke#I also didn't sleep because of it#I'm having a great time... not#delete later
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Finally made it to winter break despite the fact this past week was definitely trying to kill me.
Invisible String will update this weekend (or Monday, we'll see). My anxiety was the worst it's been since starting my new medication and it made doing anything this week utterly impossible. But it's the weekend and I have slept and cuddled my dog and I have nothing else I need to do besides go support my friend at her Christmas market tonight.
I've got art and fic plans and feeling like it's probably time to make an updated fic masterlist.
I need to reread Mrs. Dalloway ahead of teaching it in January, but that's like...a single afternoon activity. And we hired a teacher, and it was the sub who was already there, so me and the other department chair don't have to do *anything*. We've made it.
#sloth speaks#my new medication has made everything better including my anxiety#but even that had nothing on the mess that this week was apparently#i was like rushing from interview to class to interview and being like#why do i feel like i'm being hunted for sport#I came home Wednesday and my partner was like 'we have tickets to this fun thing we do every year tonight'#and I nearly burst into tears#it's not that i didn't want to go but more like...i didn't want to go that night#the overwhelm was real#been a long time since it was that bad#this week was just....unrelenting#and now it's saturday morning and i'm like#oh i'm fine now#personal
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Honestly, my regular anxiety levels are WAY too high for someone with a life as relaxed as mine
#There's NO way I don't have some kind of severe anxiety Dissorder or something#Because like#I just had a wonderful day#Yeah had some rough moments but it genuinely was a very nice day#Yet here I am#Feeling like I'm literally being hunted for sport#Oh well#Anther thing to the “things wrong with me that I can't do anything about” list#God I wish I could factory reset this brain sometimes
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i was so excited to be home and get to work on things but now that i am all i can manage is stare at screen with 0 brain activity and be so sleepy
#texts.#but also my anxiety levels are???? idk why i feel like i'm being hunted for sport????#hello??? i can't even focus on watching a youtube video i'm so out of it
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(trying out a tumblr vent, don't mind me)
#when will i stop getting fucking COLD FLUSHES of anxiety in flirty interactions#i know it's related to anxiety about having to set boundaries that i don't fully know myself#and the fear of having to communicate when they've changed in ways i don't think the other person will “like”#the stresses of being asexual in the dating scene#i'm talking to a guy at the moment and i'm attracted to him#but he just made a jokey comment about making out which is a totally normal flirty thing to say#but immediately my body has flooded the adrenaline (not in the good way) like i'm being hunted for sport#and i KNOW if i communicate to him that i don't know if i want that he'll probably understand#and i KNOW that most people won't push deliberately when you say you want to take things slow#but there's just such a strong perceived pressure that it takes almost nothing from the other person for that fear to bubble up#i hate hard conversations and i hate not being able to go with the flow on things#and being “difficult”#and i don't know anyone else i can talk to who feels this way for ideas on how to work around it#i genuinely think this is the biggest thing holding me back#after my first kiss i got so anxious and wrapped up in my head because i didn't like it that much; that ALL of my feelings towards that#person went sour and i lost all attraction to them#literally how do you work around THAT#it feels like everyone around me has the physical/sexual attraction to fall back on when they're unsure#but i don't have that#literally what do you even DOOOO with this hhHGHGHGHGUHURGHUGUGHGH
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being both an extrovert and socially anxious is the worst combination of traits god could curse someone with. at least i also have a fat ass though.
#rachel rants#this is my pinned tweet lmao but i'm feeling it rn#when will science invent a texting my friends that doesn't give me anxiety like i'm being hunted for sport.#extrovert: non-practicing
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#i loooove having insane amounts of anxiety for no reason#at least none i can discern#feels like i'm being hunted for sport. i want to frow up#ngl i wish i could just give up and *** because these frequent symptoms syndromes are exhausting#tbd tbd tbd every noise spooks me UGH
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#having the most anxiety abt moving#i have been feeling like I'm being hunted for sport the last 2 days#I'm supposed to be moving today and i really dont want to#!
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okay guess we won't be going in to work tomorrow either, since we've been fighting off a panic attack all evening and cannot breathe
#heart racing like we're being hunted for sport :)#today was a Day. had a crisis point today. multiple breakdowns. resurfacing trauma related to work. fun stuff.#plus last night i was up for hours for no reason wide awake from anxiety... it's been one thing after another#and i've had to keep calling out of work which is making me MORE stressed about finances which is the biggest stressor anyway#both today and yesterday i've had to be there for others in crisis (no one here) and it's taken a huge emotional and mental toll on me#that i haven't even realized until like. just now. but remember when i made that post awhile back about going in to work making me want to#die? well i think i am approaching full on burnout. like it's so bad.#i just need a fucking Break. i need to rest#but calling out of work ALSO gives me anxiety because i am in DEBT and can't afford RENT this month and have already called out too much#going in to work stresses me out and so does not going into work. so. hm. guess i'll die#now that i'm not having migraines all the time (the meds i got have helped a lot) i have room for my other problems#plus it's been impeding system communication#so tomorrow we are STAYING HOME and we are RESTING and maybe turning off notifications for awhile#we haven't had time to ourselves in too long#win rambles
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Binge-reading Dungeon Meshi because it's the only thing standing between me and suicide ngl.
#it at least gave me the single molecule of mental energy required to force myself to eat at least one slice of bread#because it's like the physical energy is there sure but mentally I'm like 'noooooo I don't want to eat anything i hate food#all food tastes bad and i hate life and i want to eat nothing at all and furthermore i need to lose weight so i should starve myself'#I'm thinking that it might actually make me last until I either convince the crisis center that I'm for fucking real for real#or until my appointment with the school counselor. which idk when would be because i was supposed to go on the#2nd of April but i guess there might be holidays because he called me when i was atva lecture but i couldn't take it#because i had a lecture and he hasn't called since but I'm assuming#that hell call again and that he wants to let me know that the date is impossible#but I want to like wait and see what he says. and if he goes like 'oh actually im on a long vacay now goodbye forever'#or whatever I'll just go '...slay' and ride my ass to the hospital tomorrow.#show up at the crisis centre looking exactly like the patients with chronic pain who report pain 7 while looking unphased#like 'hello i am an active danger to myself I can't get out of bed most days; i need 16 hours of sleep to function for 4 hours#my meds have stopped working I haven't eaten anything but exactly 2 pancakes and a slice of bread in the past 4 days#and i exhibit a strong refusal to change this marked by thoughts present in people affected by eating disorders. no activity#feels fun anymore and they were marked by a strong sense of anxiety a few days ago but now i just feel nothing at all.#at this point I'm not even refusing to do any of my hobbies because im increasingly afraid of failure and its#consequences while being hunted for sport by anxiety from the opposite end telling me that i need to finish 50 masterpieces#immediately or nobody will ever like me again and they'll all see me for the talentless fraud i am. at this point i just don't care.#i don't do anything because i feel sluggish and my body is heavy and I'm so so tired and I'm tired of being awake and I can't think straight#also i think i might be going into a psychotic episode again.'#they're gonna tell me to get the fuck out of their faces anyway but it's worth a try.#like idk i feel like they might kinda listen because yesterday I guess they wouldn't have but today i have stopped caring about cars#and looking both ways. which is like. not a good sign probably. also yesterday i was still somewhat able to talk to people#even though i was in a very irritated and drained out state but today I'm feeling like if anyone even fucking attempts to talk to me#or if i hear any loud fucking sound at all I'm just gonna punch myself in the head until the pain drowns out all the sound
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fellas is it anxiety to have a feeling like I'm going to be yelled at and fired at any minute bc I missed a thing I need to fill out at work, or is that just solid healthy work ethic
#personal tag#work tag#anxiety blogging#bruh I feel like I'm being hunted for sport rn. I received one (1) email about it yesterday and it's all I can think about rn
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#whenever my anxiety is acting up my first thought is well fuck you i ain't taking no ssris#because look it aint that bad my body just starts acting like i'm being hunted by sport for no fucking reason#but i still can breathe and function and all just also get kind of irritated in a way that i can be irrational too#BUT why would i take something that would make feel truly truly like shit and would TRULY impair me to function#i'm sorry i'm a hater of that shit idk and i can't afford not being able to function
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I did the interview & I'm still so so so very nervous guys what if they call me a liar & crucify me on the spot
I got a job interview in a couple hours and I'm so so so very nervous
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