#another strained relationship......im listening | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

tiredofthehumanlife · 2 months ago

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Honey, our boyfriend drowned!

Barbie dolls: jegulus x gn!reader

Word:5.1k

Summary: lemme set the scene: Regulus' car crashes into the lake on his drive to work most definitely killing him and then some mystique happens and I get too lazy to write actual plot but I add some sad and cute and JUST FUCKING READ IT ITS FUN AND NICE

Warnings: regulus dies (or does he mwhahaahha), lots.of talk of grief and death and blood and nasty and self hatred you and James are going through it, regulus with a cane and long hair, talks of the war but it's the tiniest mention, Barty has attachment issues, there is some cringe bc believe it or not Im cringey as a person so it just happens, regulus speaks Google translate French, James speaks Google translate Hindi, I had so much fun writing this.one and that's so stupid bc Its literally about death but it was a hoot, brotherly love, peter included SUCK MY DiCK OH MY GOD, oh James takes a picture OH and there's a cordless phone but I was personally thinking of the big clunky ones that sat on the wall you know, insinuations of the cave, Sirius says Jesus Christ in shock you say Gods no in shock yodabba dabba, everyone are friends I watched MLP okay everyone loves each other now, take a shot everytime I say warm, you cry, I quit

While you and James were in school, you started dating a boy named Regulus. He was beautiful and graceful. Your relationship continued outside the bounds of the school walls. Once you and James graduated you got a home and Regulus joined you both a year later when he graduated. Domestic life was wonderful for the three of you. And then Regulus died.

It was hard to believe. How could your boyfriend disappear right out from under both of your noses? He left for work one day and didn’t come back. It was like the world paused after that. The walls wept with you both. The house seemed smaller and tighter because everywhere you looked were remnants of him. His books were on the shelf with his writing inside. His additions to the grocery list were still on the fridge. His fancy shoes for events sitting by the door. His winter coat is on the rack. You could still smell his cologne. Maybe that was because James would spray it on Regulus' pillow and clutch it to his chest while he slept. Your day together as a couple consisted of sitting on the couch in silence and staring ahead listening to the clock tick.

His death put a strain on your relationship. You could barely take care of yourselves. How could you love another person when you could barely work up enough energy to cry? So you both floated around the house silently like you were the ones dead. You didn’t talk to James for weeks.

Everyone around you seemed to take a hit from Regulus’ death. Evans and Barty became reclusive, you hadn’t heard from them in months.

Dorcas started bouncing around her friends’ homes, staying the night on a new person’s couch because she was scared to leave anyone alone. They’d slip from her grasp like Regulus did if she didn’t stay with them.

After a few weeks, Mary and Lily took on the role of caretaker. Bringing people dinners and shoving them into the shower so they’d bathe every once in and while.

Marlene tried to crack jokes with people, she was most definitely the kind of person to joke until her pain went away.

Pandora spent all her days sitting in a rocking chair in front of the window. You checked on her once and asked her how she was. She told you, without looking away from the window, ‘I had a premonition about this four years ago. It’s scarier in real life. I can’t just crawl into his bed and press my fingers to his pulse. I’m living in a nightmare.’ You sighed and patted her shoulder, leaving her with the wisest words you could muster: ‘Me too, Panda. Me too.’

Peter is in the nearest Library every day, reading all of Regulus’ favorites. He even came over a few times to borrow some of Regulus’ personal books.

Remus found a French cookbook and started making his way through it one recipe at a time as a way to get up and do something. He said he thought of Regulus with each dish and it made the pain recede like an ocean wave.

Sirius took it the hardest, for obvious reasons. He laid on his couch all day, staring at the bookshelf next to the TV. Remus said he couldn’t convince Sirius to move to the bed. He’d only to get up to use the bathroom. Remus would have to sit next to the couch on the floor and feed him so he didn’t wither away. Remus eventually realized Sirius was staring at the picture of him and Regulus sitting on the shelf. After a long time, Sirius finally moved from the couch, instead taking his tears to his bed. You didn’t see Sirius for weeks.

When Regulus’ funeral arrived it was obvious the impact he left. All 12 of you stared at the empty coffin as it settled into the ground. You didn’t even get the peace of knowing his body was resting in the coffin. They never found it. They found his car in the lake with a massive hole the size of his fancy car on the side of the bridge overhead. The police said his body probably drifted down the attached river into the woods. It was likely his body was scavenged by animals. It did nothing to settle your mind.

Your lover drowned and then was torn apart by wild animals? Great, glad he’s resting peacefully. All of his things were in the car too. The book he was trying to finish during the month of the crash. His bag with his wallet and every other personal item you could think of. He even still had Pandora’s hair clip on the strap. His blood was on the seat and front windshield. Cops said it was impossible for him to have survived, especially with the amount of blood that was lost. He left for work, taking the route he always did, and died in the process.

It took a long time but you all eventually healed from it. Of course, it still hurt when you were reminded of it but you slowly got back to your average life.

Sirius got off the couch. Dorcas slept in her own bed. Marlene finally cried. Lily and Mary started making food only for themselves. Remus put his cookbook on the shelf, next to the picture. Peter moved out of the libraries, finding new books. Barty and Evan even joined you and James on a double date once. Pandora moved away from the window. You and James stopped being zombies dancing around each other. You finally talked it through and cradled the other through the night, Regulus' pillow was shoved into the closet.

You asked your friends for help to pack all of Regulus’ things into boxes. It was terribly hard to move on when his presence was still staring you in the eye. You told Sirius he could stay home but he still showed up. He helped you pack up Regulus’ clothes, taking back the band shirts Regulus stole from him. He even used one as a tissue when he cried about it.

With too many people in your house, you were all able to stuff Regulus into three separate boxes. Remus helped James move them into the attic. even though you wanted him hidden away in boxes didn’t mean you wanted to sell his presence away. You hugged everyone goodbye. It was a sour goodbye, the memory of Regulus’ loss fresh on their minds but happy they got to see all their friends again.

You, along with all the others, had your good and bad days. You’d say an inside joke Regulus came up with and spend the rest of the day crying next to the window. Some days you’d blossom and be like you were years ago. As time went by your bad days became more and more far apart. You and James’ relationship was going strong, you felt like you were in school again. In a positive way.

After a long brunch with Remus and Sirius full of laughs, you and James went home and relaxed. James left to go take a nap and you started reading by the window facing out towards the road that led to your doorstep. After you got through four chapters, James was rising from his nap and kissing you good morning. Though it was really more of a late afternoon, you didn’t correct him. He left to go make himself a snack, still in his pajamas. You continued reading.

As you heard the timer go off for James’ food you glanced up to see if he was getting it. You saw him through the opening, reaching over for the pot on the oven. You moved to look back at your book, pausing when you saw someone on the sidewalk. You were an avid enjoyer of people-watching.

It was a man who left your boots feeling shaken. His hair was longer, reaching down to kiss his back between his shoulder blades. He walked with a limp. He was classily dressed. At the top of his cane was a bird skull. He was dressed in all black and had various silver jewelry hanging from his body. His hair was falling into his face as he stared at the ground. You glanced down at the ground to see his shoes, finding they were just as fancy and put together as he was. You looked back up at his hair, trying to see if you could figure out how he maintained it so perfectly.

As you dragged your eyes up, he shook his head back. His hair flew back revealing his scarred face. There was a scar parting his eyebrow and making a trail across his cheek to his ear. You saw one peeking out from the bottom of his jaw and dipping under his high-collared shirt.

Even with all the changes you recognized him. You sprung out of your chair, flinging your book back towards the coffee table. You heard it clatter to the floor.

“James! Call Sirius!” You yelled as you scattered towards the front door, knocking over items on your way.

“What? Why?” James asked from the kitchen opening. You spun your head back towards him. You probably looked like a frazzled crazy person. You felt like a frazzled crazy person. You were either hallucinating or really watching your dead lover walk down the street.

“Call Sirius, James.” You said, your tone nipping at his hand and making him turn around for the phone hanging in the kitchen. You flung open the front door, ignoring your shoes and the fact the door smacked against the wall.

You weren’t entirely sure Regulus, or at least what you thought was Regulus, wouldn’t run away if he saw you coming. You ran down the concrete steps and your driveway. You ignored the fire the rough ground started on the bottoms of your feet. James stood on front doorstep with the phone pressed to his ear. You caught snippets of his words as you moved to the end of the driveway, staring down the sidewalk.

“I don’t know.” Your chest heaved as your mind caught up with what you were looking at. “Just said to call you.” You stared at the man in black walking down the center of the sidewalk. “Bein’ weird.” You saw the man stop his walking as you stood in his way.

“Regulus?” You yelled. The man stood still. You took a step towards him. James had settled silent. “Regulus? Baby, is that you?” You yelled down the sidewalk. He was standing on the sidewalk in front of your neighbor's house, still staring at the ground. Hr pulled his head up, facing you. Even from a far distance, you could recognize him.

Your body started running before your brain could even tell you to. Regulus picked up his pace, a nice brisk walk. You doubted he could go much faster with his apparent hurt leg but you didn’t care. Your undead lover was on your sidewalk. You picked up your pace, letting your lungs burn. Your heart was burning more, the pain from knowing you’d never see Regulus mixing with the hope that he was really walking down your sidewalk.

“Holy shit.” You heard James say from the first doorstep. “Listen uh, Sirius, I’m going to have to call you back. I think we might be hallucinating right now.” James said. You heard the quiet clatter of the phone on the table next to the front door. You and Regulus stopped with barely two feet between you too. Your chest heaved. You thought your ribs might explode.

Regulus was beautiful even with the scars and obvious dark experiences lingering behind his eyes. You couldn’t imagine what happened in the past year and a half but he was still Regulus after all this time. You felt like you shouldn’t cry because he might feel guilty and leave again. You closed the gap between you two, wrapping your arms around him. Regulus sighed with his chin pulled over your shoulder. You heard his cane drop to the sidewalk, his weight leaning into yours.

You gripped the onto the back of his shirt, crying into his shoulder. Regulus held onto you just as hard. You felt James’ arms join yours, holding onto Regulus. After a few moments of Regulus finally feeling at home and you and James realizing you did all that crying for nothing, you all pulled back. Regulus wobbled a second, before leaning on his other side. James quickly dipped down and held Regulus’ cane out to him. Regulus thanked him, leaning his weight back on the cane.

“You’re alive.” You said, sticking your hands your hands out at Regulus. He gave you a one-shouldered shrug.

“There’s a lot I need to tell you,” Regulus muttered, glancing down at the cane. You shook your head, reaching out for him again. You let your hands cup his face.

“Oh let me look at you.” You traced the scars on his face. You tugged lightly on the ends of his hair. You let your hands dip down, tracing over the necklaces. You looked down at the metal skull buckle on his belt, grinning at his fancy shoes again. Even after all the changes, he was still in his stupid shoes.

“You’re so beautiful, my love. I can’t believe you’re alive.” You said, cupping his face again. Regulus hummed and tilted his face into your hand. You pulled back and let James pull Regulus into his arms. James cradled Regulus’ head to his chest just as he used to when Regulus got bad nightmares. Regulus let out a gasping sob, digging his nails into James’ forearm. James closed his eyes and pressed his nose to Regulus’ hair.

A few minutes later Regulus was sat at the table with his favorite tea hugged between his hands. You watched him from across the table, tracking his every move. It was weird looking at him. Aside from the fact you thought he was dead, it was a stark change.

You got to watch James slowly change parts of himself over the year. The wrinkles near his eyes got more prominent, he cut his hair, and he got new shoes, etcetera. You went from seeing Regulus with hair shorter than his chin to watching him flick it over his shoulder. You saw him with the clear and pristine skin he took pride in the scarred look he was sporting now. Regulus pursed his lips and blew on the hot tea in his hands before flicking his eyes up to you. You didn’t shy away from the fact you were staring at him. James wandered into the dining room his phone pressed to his ear.

“No Sirius, I’m being ser-I’m being for real. You need to get over here now, you’re not going to believe this.” James said, leaning on the doorframe and staring at Regulus. Regulus stuck his hand out at James, wiggling his fingers. James raised an eyebrow ‘You sure?’. Regulus shook his hand, ‘yes.’. James handed the phone to Regulus. Regulus pressed the phone to his ear. He cleared his throat.

“That coffin was uncomfortable, dickhead.” Regulus said before pulling the phone away from his ear and hanging it up. He set it on the table and took a slow sip from his tea.

“I think you just gave him a heart attack,” James said. You hummed, staring down at the phone.

“Yeah I’m not sure if that was the best action but it was a very Regulus thing for you to do so at least some things haven’t changed. “ You said, handing the phone off to James. Regulus closed his eyes as he pulled his tea away from his lips.

Minutes later Sirius was bursting through your door with Remus tailing fast behind him. Sirius peered into each room, making haste to search the house. Regulus set his tea down. Sirius stood in the dining room doorway, frozen in place. Regulus stood from his chair, leaning on his cane and sighing as he did so. He tilted his head to the side, making a small spin to show off his new look.

“Jesus Christ,” Sirius muttered.

“that’s who he looks like, I was trying to place it,” you said, sighing and smacking James’ bicep. Regulus faces Sirius again, holding his arm out. Sirius closed the space, pulling Regulus into a hug. They rocked side to side. You thought of shooing everyone out but you also wanted to watch Sirius’ reaction. Sirius pulled back and smacked Regulus on the crown of his head. Regulus glared at him, obviously, it wasn’t hard.

“Don’t you ever do that again you dick,” Sirius said, before cupping Regulus’ face. He grimaced and shook his head.

“You look like me in fourth year,” Sirius whispered, running his hand through the length of Regulus’ hair. Regulus hummed.

“I thought so too. I missed home, so I grew it out. I plan on trimming it soon though, not really me.” Regulus whispered. Sirius hummed and traced the scar down Regulus’ eyebrow with his thumb.

“What’d you do?” Sirius asked.

“I ended a war before it started, the usual break year plans. I almost drowned and fought off some weird gremlin things. It’s a story.” Regulus said, waving off Sirius’ look of concern. “I’m fine now, other than the trauma I hold with water. But I managed to figure it out. I just take showers weird now.” Regulus added, once again downplaying the severity.

“Well, your funeral was a waste of time,” Sirius said, turning back around to stand next to Remus. Regulus shrugged.

“Did you guys cry?” You, James, Remus, and Sirius shared looks. You all shrugged.

“Eh, not really.”

“I mean what even classifies as crying these days, you know.”

"So much I got dehydrated"

“After the first couple of days, it was a breeze.” Regulus rolled his eyes and pulled his tea off the table.

“So did you guys sell all my shit?” He whispered into his cup. You and James quickly shook your heads.

“Oh gods, no. It’s all in the attic.” You said, pointing at the ceiling above you. James and Remus left for the attic as you and Sirius chased after Regulus. Regulus took his tea from the dining room to the living room, setting it on the coffee table. You and Sirius stared at him as he settled onto the couch. Regulus propped his cane against the side table, taking a sip from his tea. Regulus lifted an eyebrow at the floor. He leaned over and held your book up.

“Thought I taught you better than to throw books,” Regulus said, setting the book on the coffee table. You crossed your arms over your chest. You scoffed.

“I was a little more focused on my undead lover walking into my garden.” You said. Regulus shrugged and gently set the book down on the coffee table. Regulus kicked his foot up, resting his ankle on his knee. James and Remus joined you with all three boxes. They were all labeled with a different form of his name, three different handwritings. Evan wrote R.A.B. in his swirly handwriting. Sirius had written Regulus in his pristine handwriting. You scribbled down Reggie on the top with an almost empty Sharpie. It looked like you didn’t care but you couldn’t bear to look at the boxes any more than you had to.

Regulus leaned forward, tearing open the nearest box. He started rummaging through it and you wished Evan was here. You couldn’t fold things as perfectly as he could. Regulus pulled out his favorite stuffed animal, setting it on the couch next to him. He closed the box, reaching for the next one. He tore it open just as fast. He pulled out his favorite blanket and book. Regulus threw the blanket next to his stuffed animal. He set the book on the coffee table and as you watched him close up the box again, you sucked in a shaky breath. Regulus lifted his head, looking at you. You turned into James’ arms. James tightened his hold. You hated to get James’ shirt dirty but watching Regulue tear through the boxes you were sure you’d never touch again made your throat close up.

“Sorry did I do something?” You heard Rehgulus’ voice behind you. James’ hand ran up and down your back. You felt SIrius’ hand land on your shoulder.

“No, we’re just processing, I think. Lots of changes today.” James said, rocking you back and forth. Sirius took on the role of changing the subject so you still had a little bit of dignity.

“We need to call the others. I mean this is a big change we’ll have to get every-“ Regulus cut off Sirius.

“Listen, I know okay. I know, but I haven’t felt at home in over a year. I just want to spend today here. Tomorrow I will tell everyone of my resurrection but right now I just want a nap. You and Remus can stay if you want, I really don’t care. As long as I get a nap on the couch, I’m okay. I will gather everyone tomorrow but today is just..” Regulus sighed, a visible weight lifting from his shoulders. “Just for me. Is that okay?” Regulus asked. Sirius stayed silent a moment. He glanced around the living room. He shrugged, looking back at Regulus.

“Yeah, that’s okay.” Regulus slipped his shoes off, setting them next to his cane, and laid across the couch. You pulled back from James, wiping at your eyes. You headed off for the bedroom, tearing open the closet. You pulled down Regulus’ pillow and brought it back to the living room. Regulus gave you a soft smile and gently took the pillow from your hands. He set it down before quickly sandwiching your hands between his. He was warm, not cold like a dead body. Maybe he was real. Regulus stared up at you.

“I learned how to cook traditional French dishes,” Remus said, picking at one of the boxes. Regulus hummed. He was on the brink of sleep but still wanted Remus to feel heard. “You should come over for dinner some night.” Regulus nodded against his pillow. Remus left after SIrius and not long after you heard SIrius’ motorcycle fade away. You imagined Remus’ long legs cramped behind Sirius on the back of his bike and snorted.

“I love you, you know that? Every day I wasn’t here I worried for you. I missed you so much I’d feel sick. I’m sorry I left like that.” Regulus said. Your eyebrows pinched and you sank your teeth into your bottom lip, trying your hardest to not cry again. You nodded. Regulus hummed and pressed your palm to his lips. You sighed and rubbed his cheek lightly. He dropped your hands and laid back on the couch, now with his pillow propped behind his head.

Regulus turned onto his side, clutching his stuffed animal to his chest. He pulled his blanket up to his nose. Sirius stood next to Regulus, brushing hair out of his face and gently rubbing his cheek before roughly smacking him and messing up his hair again. Regulus groaned and swatted his hands away. Sirius pulled back and slipped out the front door.

“Mon Soleil?” Regulus whispered into his blanket. You glanced at James, watching his water line fill.

“छोटा राजा?” James whispered, his voice fragile. You looked back to Regulus. His eyes were still closed.

When James heard Regulus’ snores next to his ear he slid the bookmark into their place and set it on the coffee table. James leaned his head back, resting it on the couch armrest. You sighed, watching Regulus sleep peacefully.

“Read to me?” Regulus asked. James nodded and grabbed the book Regulus pulled from the box off the coffee table. James sat on the floor next to where Regulus head was on the couch. He opened the book to the page they left off last time, and you felt like James might cry. He started reading and as he went on you started to wish Regulus had given you a task too. You were just standing there watching them. You quietly joined James on the floor. You sat a foot and a half away from James. He paused his sentence for a second to look up at you and give you a soft smile. You returned it and slipped a hand under Regulus’ blanket. It probably smelled like the attic but Regulus didn’t seem to care, snoozing away. You rested your hand on his hip, lightly rubbing it before getting your hand to sit. You wished to hold his hand but one was clutching his stuffed animal and the other was pressing his blanket to his face.

“I don’t think we’ll be getting much sleep tonight.” You whispered, not wanting to wake up Regulus. James turned his head to face you. He reached over and held onto your other hand, kissing the back. He nodded and looked over towards the wall.

“I feel like we shouldn’t go to sleep because when we wake up, the boxes will be back in the attic. Sirius will be back on the couch and we’ll be sitting on the bed sobbing together.”James whispered. You humed. You slipped your thumb under the edge of Regulus’ shirt, pressing your finger into his warm skin.

“He won’t be warm anymore.” You muttered, eyes still caught on Regulus. James’ thumb rubbed against the back of your hand. You wondered if he was testing to see if you were warm still.

“We’ll visit his grave on Wednesday together and wonder if those wild animals were well fed. If it was all worth it. Stare down at the dirt and know six feet under is an empty wooden box with nothing but a copy of Regulus’ favorite poetry book inside.” James’ voice wobbled and you gripped his hand tighter.

“I thought every day that I would wake up and it’d all be a nightmare. I was just dreaming. All those crime shows got to me and my brain inserted me into an episode while I was sleeping. Every morning I’d wake up to find out we were still planning his funeral. I thought I was dead for a while. Thought this was my punishment for not recycling enough or something.” You said, pressing your thumb further into Regulus’ skin. Not to hurt him, but you needed to feel his pulse.

“I can’t go back there,” James whispered.

“Then maybe we go to sleep tonight. Maybe we’ll wake up and he’ll be in bed with us.” You said giving the side of James' face a sour smile.

“Then we start again. We heal again.” James gave you a sad look and stared ahead again. You decided to lighten the mood a little. “And we had a freaky joint dream.” James snorted. He sniffed and stared down at his lap. He kissed the back of your hand again. You focused on Regulus’ skin under your finger. Still warm.

“And if we wake up to find ourselves right back where we started? What then?” James asked, turning his head to face you. You paused for a moment and let his words stir in your head. You thought about getting thrown right back into that dark and messy place.

You didn’t take showers unless Mary forced you and you hated yourself for everything you did. Why didn’t you stop Regulus and tell him to stay home that day? Why didn’t you drive him to work yourself? Why didn’t you deviate from your routine, anything to save Regulus’ life? And when you got over what ifs that could’ve stopped this all from happening, then you hated yourself for not helping James more. Why couldn’t you take care of him? His parents called every day and he could barely pull himself out of bed to answer the phone. You couldn’t look away from the floor to pick the phone up. You picked apart yourself with sharp nails and then let your pieces rot into something awful that barely resembled yourself anymore. All in the name of grief.

“So sorry to break up such a sweet moment, however I am trying to sleep. So if you two could shut up: that’d be preferable. “ You heard Regulus say. James turned his head back, glancing at Regulus. He looked back at you.

“Seems pretty real to me.” You whispered.

Regulus stayed true to his word, calling every one of your friends to your home. When he joined them in the living room there were screams and cries and most definitely noise complaints from the neighbors. Barty fell to his knees, taking Regulus down with him, and sobbed into his hair. He was an ugly crier too, saliva connecting his two lips when he opened his mouth in a silent cry.

Dorcas and Evan were quick to join them on the floor, wrapping Regulus up in a sea of arms. Probably the first body of water he felt comfortable in a while.

Eventually, Regulus made it to his feet, giving everyone their own hug. Peter told him he had books he found that Regulus would enjoy. Mary smacked him on the back of the head and told him to brighten the fuck up before dragging him into a tight hug. Lily told him she had a new bread recipe she’d been meaning to try. Marlene cracked a stupid joke through her tears and lightly punched Regulus in the arm. Regulus made it to Pandora and she pulled him to her chest, squeezing him as tight as she could.

“I didn’t see this.” She whispered in his hair. Regulus gripped her back just as tight.

You all had a warm dinner made by Remus and Lily. Regulus and Sirius share a nostalgic look after the first bite. You didn’t have a big enough table so you all crowded into the living room, gathering around the rug. Regulus earned a spot on the couch. Barty was at his feet, arms wrapped around Regulus’ leg.

James shot up halfway through dinner, dashing across the house. He came back with his camera. He took one shot of everyone in the living room before turning the camera around and squeezing himself into frame too. He labeled them both ‘Regulus’ first family dinner back’ on the backs. He added the date and set the camera and photos on the kitchen counter deciding to deal with them later.

On his way back into the living room, he kissed you before pecking Regulus on the cheek. As he settled back into his seat on the floor, the group broke into ruckus laughter from a joke Sirius made. Sirius beamed and your and James’ eyes shot for Regulus. You found him snorting out his tea through his nose. His pain, disgust, and laughter all conjoined and you knew when you woke up tomorrow, he’d once again be in your bed. Warm.

#jegulus x reader #jeggy #jegulus #james potter x regulus black #james x regulus #james potter x reader #james potter x you #james potter #regulus black #regulus black x reader #james loves regulus #regulus deserved better #regulus post cave #regulus potter #marauders era #marauders #the marauders #the marauders era

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sluttysanemi · 9 months ago

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⋆ ★ — SULTRY SOAK.

c/w: oral (m!receiving), established relationship

a/n: i’ve been trying to post these last 2 days but tumblr won’t put my writing out on the tag page… im acc so pissed ?? like wtf am I supposed to do?? whateva yk

Sanemi takes your hand, whilst you stumble to a bathroom, giggling rashly. He's incessantly pressing his lips to yours, immersed in the bitter wine you shared, which stained each other’s lips. His palm glides over your thigh, lifting the hems of your garment to knead your ass.

He's grinning against your lips, piercing your flesh yearningly. His gaze bleeds with desire.

As you are led to a stall, he promptly pulls you to his lap whilst he sits upon the closed seat. His shirt is frantically torn open, unveiling the protruding display of his pectorals. His muscles gleam with sweat, as drops trickle along his skin.

He's panting violently against your lips, his shaft pressing firmly against the constraints of his pants. His hands trace eagerly along your inner thigh, while you continue to relish in each other's taste.

He eagerly trails his fingers to the belt, clinking it loose and pulling it from his waist. His cock strained against his briefs, a more defined view. He groans slowly as your fluttering cunt rubs against him.

You slide from the warmth of his firm thighs to the cold lavatory tiles, between his legs. He smiles fervently, grasping your chin and running his thumb over your lower lip. He watches it glitter under the dim light of the restroom.

You peel the dark material from his groin, watching his needy cock spring. It strikes against his toned skin, with pearly tears welled up at the prominent tip. You saw him pulse, quiver, as his pre slobbers along his shaft.

You wrap your hand around his girth, pressing a kiss to the underside of his dick. He groaned, exhilarated through your motions. His hands twitched, eager to grab for something.

You begin, as you trail your tongue along, gathering his musky taste. Lubricating his shaft, as your hand gradually pumped at his base.

Your lips linger on his tip, pressing for another kiss. You gently take him in, before drawing away, leaving him in tension. He groans in near annoyance and softly grasps your hair.

“No, no, baby… don’t be like that. Be good t’me.”, He whispers kindly, gazing at you keenly.

You grin. Hollowing your cheeks, you had once more attempted to draw his cock to your mouth. Delving into his near base, then maneuvering your head upwards. His shaft jerked with thrill as it was welcomed into the warmth of your mouth.

His fingers tightens within your hair, as his head falls backward. His chest rolls openly, and he pants heavily- like a keen dog.

“Ha- look at you baby, look how.. Fuck.. good you are when you listen.”, He praises, as beads of sweat seem on his skin.

His thighs clenched and pulsed. He felt as if he was about to rise beyond the ground. It was almost unnerving how thrilling you made him feel. And it was just for him?

Sanemi’s hips would begin to subtly roll against your mouth; aimlessly yet vividly. His cock plunges within your lips with each thrust of his hips. You could feel every vein of him, caressing your tongue, as it stiffens.

“Fuck, fuck- shii-it.. Such a.. Ha.. sweet girl.. You like that, hm? Suckin’ this fat cock?” He spoke, gazing at you lustfully.

You shift your sight to him, gazing upwards. You clutched to him desperately. He bites his bottom lip at your yearning eyes, thrusting his hips almost animalistically into you. His pelvis crashing roughly against you.

“Shit- Shit- Shit!-”, he moaned aloud. With a final push of his hips, his cock sank into the very ends of your throat. Spurts of cum pulsed from his dick, sinking along your mouth’s inner-walls. It filled your lips, as he whined from the tremendous pleasure. You swallow carefully, pulling yourself from his softening cock with a pop.

His hand grips your cheek, caressing it tenderly. You both enjoy the comfortable silence, as you calm yourselves from your state of euphoria.

He beams at you lovingly.

“Lets get you home, sweet angel.”

122 notes · View notes

cinnamostar · 1 year ago

Text

love's final act

pairing : hyunjin x gn!reader

summary : love’s final, yet cruelest, act was grief. grief is, and will always be, the truest testament of love.

wc : 4.1k

cw : sadness, angst, break up, mentions of anxiety and symptoms, negative self talk. plz let me know if i missed anything.

a/n : this is the first fic i have written in literal years! i would love to hear any feedback and thoughts you have about this. pls let me know if i need to add additional content warnings, as well as if as if any gendered language is used :) im excited to be writing again and i hope you enjoy!

₊‧°𐐪♡𐑂°‧₊

The morning light peeped through your curtains, inviting itself into your dreary room much to your dismay, taunting you once more that another painfully sleepless night had passed by. Normally, you’d welcome the sun’s warmth as part of your routine, opening the curtains to soak in the rays as you prepared for the new day, but the past seven days had been far from normal.

Today, the crushing weight of grief tied you down your bed once more as hot tears burned down your cheeks for what felt like the millionth time this week. Grief and guilt had kept you imprisoned to the confines of your room, allowing you to escape from the world outside where life continued to move forward, while you desperately clung onto memories of the past, unwilling to accept the new reality you knew was long coming.

You didn’t want to leave your room, you didn’t want to confront the world again. Maybe if you stayed in here a little longer, time would turn back and this new universe would fade away into the ether as nothing more than a bad dream. Maybe you’d finally wake up and find yourself in the arms of your lover. Maybe he would march right through your bedroom door, begging for you both to keep trying, urging you to believe your love would triumph any obstacle life had in store.

That would be nice, wouldn’t it?

The truth is, after two short and sweet years together, your love story was coming to a screeching halt. The reality of your deteriorating romance had finally caught up to you both and you could no longer deny the impossibility of this relationship.

Hyunjin was everything you had ever wanted and more. He was the love of your life, your soulmate, the man you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. You both loved each other dearly, and if it wasn’t for the challenges life had presented, you’d be inseparable. If it were up to you, you’d spend every waking moment in his presence, listening to the hum of his heart that you became so in tuned with. It was a melody only you and him could hear and understand, one that was so extravagant and beautiful that it would bring goosebumps to anyone who witnessed it.

A song so powerful, passionate, forceful, but yet so gentle and delicate, almost as if the beating of your own hearts could shatter it if one ever lost its rhythm. There was a musical score to follow that only you and Hyunjin knew how to perform, yet the symphony of your love started to fade away in the background as the loud chatter of life roared over it.

One by one, the violin’s strings started to snap, the piano fell out of tune, the percussionists arms grew heavy, the flautis’s breath could no longer keep up, and all was left was you and Hyunjin trying to conduct an orchestra to play a line of music that didn’t exist. This was how it was supposed to end. They didn’t practice any of this, there was no more music, this was it. Your thoughts, overwhelming sorrow, and the cacophony of life.

This was your final performance together.

It felt as if life had been sucked out of you, the ruckus of the world overstimulating your ears with a piercing screech in the background. You desperately strained yourself to find the tune you missed, hoping maybe you could pick up where you both left off, but there was nothing. It felt as if a hand was clenching around your heart, constricting you as you gasped for air, except you weren’t looking for air. Every detail of him had become so ingrained into your being that you no longer knew how to function without the heavenly tune of his, you had no idea how you ever dealt with the unpleasant song the world around you played. He was your everything, your oxygen, and you breathed him each time as if it was your last breath, but this time it actually was.

Sure, you had lived your entire life before him just fine, but the last few days without him had left you in a dizzying haze as your lungs burned from all your cries, begging for you to run back into his arms after being so deprived of him. The pit in your stomach grew heavier, sinking you further into your bed as you free falled into your own despair.

It was the inevitable end of the love story between two people who desperately wanted to claw onto one another, but neither was willing to change themselves for the other and that was okay. You each had different goals, dreams, and aspirations that never seemed to come together, lifestyles that never aligned. It was as if divine intervention stepped in at every waking moment of your relationship to remind you both that your love was just a brief chapter of your lives, not the happily ever after you so desperately tried to force.

All that was left to face was the stark and brutal reminder that no amount of love, effort, or communication would have ever made those dreams a reality. The nights you and Hyunjin spent laying in each other’s arms as he gently played with loose strands of your hair, where you each giggled about where you would move once you both reached old age, what kind of home you both would share, and whether you both should adopt a cat, a dog, or both, was all now just a gut-wrenching memory that mocked you.

It was mutual. It was for the best. Neither of you wanted this, but the truth was that no one was willing to compromise and completely abandon the diverging paths you both were on. You were both too stubborn to drop everything you had worked so hard on, both so close to achieving, just for the other. It wasn’t a lack of love, rather it was the suffocating love that caused you both to drag on your relationship for so long, but you both knew to your core that you would have resented the other if any compromise was made. Neither of you wanted that too. That was that, a tearful goodbye accompanied with gentle, hushed apologies with one last, excruciating bitter-sweet kiss.

A gentle knock stirred you awake from your stupor, temporarily freeing yourself from your painstaking recollections of your relationship. Blonde locks and dark eyes peered from the door, a soft voice calling your name, unsure if you were awake, “Y/N…?”

Your hands scrambled to wipe your tears away as you sat up, but your sniffles and broken voice betrayed you, “H-hi Lixie, sorry. I’m up now.”

Felix sighed in relief, worried he may have woken you from your few moments of peace. He let himself in, gently closing the door behind him as he made his way to your window, opening the curtains to let the sun in, complimenting the warmth his presence brought into your cold world. He basked in the morning sun for a moment, before turning to you with a sweet smile that melted away any sadness you had in you.

“It’s Saturday, Y/N.”

Oh. It’s already Saturday. Right.

The realization must’ve been evident on your face, as Felix hastily found himself sitting on the edge of your bed with your hands clasped between his. “It’s okay, there’s no rush. You can give yourself more ti-,”

“No. It’s okay. I’ll get up now.”

Felix’s eyebrows raised, concerned etched onto his features, “You don’t have to force yourself, Y/N. There’s nothing wrong with needing more time.”

You shook your head adamantly, a tightlipped smile on your face as you looked Felix in the eyes, “I know, Felix, but…” You let out a shaky sigh, forcing a happier and more convincing smile that didn’t quite reach your eyes, “I told myself I can’t let myself rot in bed for more than a week. I gave myself a week to cry it out, that should be more than enough, right?”

The boy returned the smile, giving your hands a reassuring squeeze, “Okay. If that is what you want, then okay.” He knew you were lying to yourself right now, he knew you were trying to convince yourself that you were okay and ready to go back to normalcy, but he also knew there was no use in trying to stop you. “Do you know what you want to do today? We can go grab coffee together if you’d like.”

“I think… I think I am okay on my own for today. Maybe tomorrow?”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’ll be okay. I promise I’ll text you if I need anything.”

Felix nodded, setting your hand back down on the mattress as he got up to exit the room, “Okay, but if you break your promise, I’m kicking your ass. Being heartbroken isn’t an excuse to break a promise with your best friend!” A lighthearted giggle escaped him as he shut the door behind him.

A small smile graced your features, an airy laugh escaping you as you watched your best friend close the door. Somehow, you could always count on him to brighten your day, no matter how caught up in your grief you are.

But that was enough mourning, that was enough grieving, that was more than enough. It was time to go back to your old routine, as the world wasn’t going to wait for you to mend your broken heart. Life moved forward and you were hellbent on not being left behind.

Except you couldn’t quite go on with your old routine.

You couldn’t text Hyunjin good morning, you couldn’t call him letting him know you were going to the bakery to see if he wanted something, you couldn’t take a picture of a pretty flower you saw on your walk and share it with him.

You couldn’t surprise him at work with lunch. You couldn’t send him a new song you found that reminded you of him. You couldn’t use the cheeky pick up line you saw online a few days ago. You couldn’t send him a picture of two puppies playing with each other saying it was both of you. You couldn’t stop by at the end of the night for a brief kiss. You couldn’t look forward to his cuddles.

You couldn’t call him just because you wanted to hear his voice.

For a moment, as you made your way out the front door, you felt your breath hitch and all too familiar lump formed in your throat, tears threatening to spill out your eyes as your fingers mindlessly, out of habit, found themselves hovering over Hyunjin’s contact name, a few millimeters away from hitting call.

‘Baby 𐐪♡𐑂’

You closed your eyes for a brief moment in a feeble attempt to collect yourself. You found yourself taking a deep breath, not realizing how long you had held your breath. With much hesitation, your shaky fingers tapped the ‘edit contact’ button and deleted the nickname you had lovingly given him. You paused once again, another deep breath before replacing the previous text with ‘Hwang Hyunjin,’ erasing any evidence of the love you two once shared.

The pit in your stomach grew once again, threatening to drag you back into bed as tears silently slid down your cheeks, but you shook the thought out of your mind, locking your phone and putting it in your pocket.

It’s okay. This is part of the healing process, right? It was better to confront this sooner rather than later. That’s what you told yourself at least. That’s what you wanted to believe.

₊‧°𐐪♡𐑂°‧₊

And just like that, another few weeks had whizzed past you before you even realized. You spent the whole time trying to return to your daily routine, along with the help of Felix, Seungmin, and Jeongin, who each made it their personal mission to keep you company during every moment of the day. They somehow coordinated their schedules in a way to make sure at least one of them was available to be with you, but they still respected your boundaries whenever you asked them for some time alone.

You were eternally grateful for them, as their presence made the month a lot more bearable to manage, even though you found yourself in plenty of embarrassing moments with each of them.

Each time anything reminded you of Hyunjin, you’d find your eyes immediately welling up with tears, but the boys did a good job of comforting your broken heart and dealing with your inconsolable sobs.

Even if you were in public. Even if you were in the middle of a McDonalds.

Unfortunately, a pack of sauce from McDonalds made you cry because it was Hyunjin’s favorite and you always made sure to grab him extra. If you weren’t so upset, the look of shock on Seungmin’s face would’ve made you laugh, but the dark haired boy quickly snatched the sauce away from your hands, jokingly scolding it for making you so sad as he returned it to the worker to exchange it for a different one. If he had known something so simple would’ve had such an effect on you, he wouldn’t have asked for it, but he chalks up to love making people stupid or whatever.

With time, the painful memories and embarrassing moments lessened on each of your outings. Whenever a memory did threaten your peace, instead of fighting it with tears in your eyes, you decided to embrace it with grace and try to smile at each one that greeted your mind. Just because it was painful now didn’t mean it was bad, they were still sweet moments that once made you happy, and for that, you should be thankful.

You were far from being healed, but you were slowly adjusting to this new reality and feeling just a bit better each day at your own pace. It still hurt a lot and you missed him terribly, but you were okay and it got easier to manage your pain. You were slowly remembering how to live with the inundating sounds of life, slowly learning how to dance to this familiar song and appreciating the beauty within it once more.

Before you knew it, you were thinking of him, the tune of your romance was nothing more than a distant memory. Your body no longer craved his presence, no longer needing his hand to guide you through the musical that life is. You missed him, but not as much as you did the first week. Your heart still sank a little when you saw a couple walking hand in hand on the sidewalk, but instead of bringing you to tears, it made you smile to know you once experienced love like that, and you will again one day, just not with him.

Today, you decided you were going to venture out on your own, something you felt more comfortable doing as time passed. The anxiety you once carried was vanishing as you grew more confident in yourself and your ability to hold it together, no longer worried that something so trivial would trigger an emotional outburst. The intimidating idea of solitude became something you welcomed as you slowly fell in love with the song of your heart and the background chatter life offered.

You stepped out the double doors of your local coffee shop, a warm vanilla latte in hand as the cool autumn breeze kissed your face. You didn’t really have a plan for today, opting to aimlessly wander around the busy streets of your city, enjoying the comfortable zephyr that brushed through your hair. The weather was great today, it would be a shame to let it go to waste and not enjoy it before the harsh winter season set in. With that in mind, you settled on heading to the park, hoping you’d find a bench to make your temporary home as you read the latest novel you bought last week.

A moment of serenity and tranquility after walking through the bustling streets of the city was what you needed, a chance to breathe and escape the rush of pedestrians trying to make it to their next destination. You started picking up the pace, bouncing with each step in excitement as the buzzing jabbers of passerbyers filled your ears, the sounds of creaky car brakes and car horns accompanying you on your journey.

You took a sip of your coffee as you approached the crosswalk to join the others waiting for the light to turn, but as you drew closer, a familiar hum caught your attention. It was low, extremely quiet, but it grew louder as you moved forward.

Your heart stuttered, confused on what melody to follow as a pit of anxiety formed in your abdomen, your voice suddenly caught in your throat as you felt your body grow heavier. Your eyes panickedly looked around as you slowed your pace, trying to identify where this melody was coming from.

A few feet ahead of you stood a tall, lean figure you had become all too familiar with. Although you couldn’t see his face, you swore the man that stood there was none other than Hyunjin. You stopped in the middle of the sidewalk as you stared ahead, your mouth drying up as your lips parted slightly. You didn’t know what you were feeling exactly, every emotion possible attacking your mind and body all at once. It felt as if everything around you was slowing, as if time paused as your eyes focused on him. The chatter of life faded into the background as the song of your lost love became deafeningly loud, taking over any coherent thought you could’ve had.

Your heart leaped for joy, desperately urging you to run towards him and pull him into a tight embrace, wishing to once again dance to the song of your love story. The burdensome weight of grief held you in place, tears pricking your eyes as a cold sweat rushed over your panicked body that demanded you turn away, pleading you were not ready to see him again, but the overwhelming shock didn’t let your feet move. It was as if the world beneath your feet disappeared, nowhere for you to go and all you could do was stare ahead as the lump in your throat turned into an uncomfortable, acidic taste your anxiety forced into your mouth.

Fear grew within you as you watched the man slowly turn his head to the side, holding your breath as you prepared to see the face you dreaded, yet yearned at the same time. As his side profile came into view, a blaring car horn snapped you out of your daze, the crowd of pedestrians came back into motion as someone scoffed when they bumped into your stilled body, and the music that once took over your senses suddenly dulled into the background. A wave of relief and mild disappointment washed over you as you realized the man before you wasn’t Hyunjin at all. Maybe your eyes were playing tricks on you along with your hopelessness, but it was just someone who happened to resemble his frame.

You let out an exasperated exhale, feeling exhausted from the emotional rollercoaster you just experienced. Although, for some reason, your body remained a bit tense as you could still hear the melody you recognized as yours and Hyunjin’s. It wasn’t as blaring as before, but the soft tune rang through your ears, impossible for you to ignore.

Perhaps the near encounter earlier had startled you, you thought, it should go away soon enough. With that, you decided that was enough for today and maybe it would be better to spend the rest of the day at home, maybe you could convince Felix to watch a movie with you.

As you turned on your heels to make the way back home, the music started to pick up again. The beat of the drums grew more powerful, the string instruments hummed earnestly, the pianist clanged the keys more feverishly as a strong gust of wind greeted you.

And that’s when you saw him.

There he was, standing right in front of you wearing a shocked, yet pained, expression. His eyebrows furrowed upwards, his lips slightly parted as his eyes brimmed with tears. Hyunjin looked awful. Dark circles and puffy eye bags decorated his pale face, his nose and cheeks flushed as if he spent the morning crying.

He wanted to call for your name, tell you how much he missed you and how miserable he has been without you. He wanted to pull you into a bone crushing embrace, one where he swore he’d never let you out of. He wanted to sink his face into the crook of your neck and breathe in the scent of your shampoo he had missed so much. He selfishly wanted to remind himself of every detail of you possible, but his body remained unmoving, unable to act on any of his desires. His tongue thickened in mouth, caught in his throat, as if his body was turning into stone in a panic.

He was angry with himself, trying to will himself to do something, say something, anything, but all he could do was stand there like a fool as he stared into the eyes he adored so much, hoping he would find the same look of love you always use to wear around him. The music grew louder, almost as if it was begging for him to speak his mind, spill his heart out to you.

You blinked away the tears that were starting to form, cursing yourself for crumbling so quickly at the mere sight of Hyunjin. Your heart swelled with love and joy, yet the familiar melancholy took residence in your stomach. As much as your heart ached for Hyunjin’s presence, you knew there was no point in giving into a dying romance, one that had no future ahead of it. It was best to bite the bullet and abandon it right then and there, for both of your sakes.

It took everything in you, but all you could do was muster a heartbroken smile as you bowed your head down, acknowledging Hyunjin’s presence as your feet briskly walked you out the scene, not even giving a second glance as you passed him because you knew you would fall apart if you caught his eyes once more.

Once again, the music died out, the piano fell out of tune as the strings snapped, an unpleasant screech leaving the clarinets as you walked past Hyunjin.

Hyunjin spun around, watching your body disappear into the crowd of people as tears began to escape down his cheeks while his body began to tremble, unwilling to accept what just happened. His mind scrutinized him for being so pathetic, for not being able to call out your name to stop you from leaving, for not being able to grab your wrist and speak to you once more, for not being able to profess how he couldn’t live without you.

Have you forgotten about him already? Have you already moved on? Were you no longer in love with him? Was he just an idiot crying over someone who gave him no second thought? How could you walk by him so easily? Like he was another stranger on the street? Did you not care for him? Did you not want to know how he was doing this whole time? Did your relationship with him mean nothing to you?

Millions of questions and doubts plagued Hyunjin’s thoughts as he wordlessly stood in place, still unable to move from the sheer sadness and humiliation that filled him. God’s cruelty never relented and became so apparent to Hyunjin at this very moment. Was love supposed to be so painful?

Ah, no, Hyunjin. Love was never meant to be painful, but the unfortunate truth was that love became undeniable in someone’s absence. It is in that moment of time where you cannot ignore the empty void love has abandoned you with no escape. All this love you have left over with nowhere to go will one day become something you get sick of. It is then where you must decide whether you’ll allow love to consume you in its overwhelming misery or use it to thrive and move forward. Love’s final, yet cruelest, act was grief. Grief is, and will always be, the truest testament of love.

#stray kids #skz #skz x reader #stray kids x reader #skz angst #stray kids angst #skz fanfic #stray kids fanfic #hyunjin #hwang hyunjin #hyunjin x reader #hwang hyunjin x reader #fanfic #cinnamostar writes #hyunjin fic #hwang hyunjin fanfic

182 notes · View notes

starboy-acer · 6 months ago

Text

"you've been scared of love, and what it did to you" [FnC]

(im so deadass when i say i was writing something completely different while listening to I Feel It Coming by the weeknd and all of the neurons in my brain fired at once, i froze, and immediately opened tumblr to write this at 1:26 am and scheduled to post it on pride month) (gillion is taller btw)

Gillion Tidestrider and Chip James have an interesting relationship. One might even say that their friendship has been strained lately. Most of the crew can tell that something has happened in private-- that not even Jay was made aware of-- that has caused their once close 'bromance' to fade away, a shadow of what they once were surrounding them like a fog when they were near each other.

They're still able to cooperate with each other. Of course they are, they almost have to since they're co-captains, but it's very clear to the whole crew that they are not what they once were.

What the crew doesn't know is why they're like this. What happened to make them drift apart?

It was a particularly cold night on the sea. The crew was traveling to Horsea to visit Ichabod for some sort of urgent matter. Chip was out on the deck of the ship, overlooking the dark waves crashing against the side of The Albatross. He silently listened to the sound of the ocean and his own breathing as he took in the smell of the salty spray kissing his face.

Gillion quietly approached Chip from the captains' quarters on the other side of the ship. Chip heard the taller man approach him and turned with a smile. "Gill! Couldn't sleep?"

"It's hard for me to sleep knowing that you are up here instead of in your bed." Gillion stood beside Chip as Chip moved over slightly to avoid touching Gillion's shoulder.

Gillion looked over at Chip. "Why are you awake? We only have a few days of rest left before we get to Horsea."

"I was just thinking a lil' too hard, I guess. Came up here for some fresh air."

"Thinking about what?"

Chip looked over at Gillion. Gillion's sea green eyes glistened as the moon perfectly lit him up. The moisture on his skin made it look like his entire body was lit up with stars. To Chip, Gillion looked like he was made from pure stardust mixed with crushed moon rocks. He was nothing short of beautiful.

That made Chip uncomfortable.

Chip "Everyone I love leaves me" James was completely infatuated with Gillion Tidestrider.

"Uhm... Thinking about... Nothing- It's nothing." Chip stuttered and looked away. He could hear his own breathing quicken.

Gillion leaned it where his face was in front of Chip's, his lips a mere few inches from Chip's nose. "What's wrong, Chip?"

The two men stood under the cool moonlight. Their eye contact was so intense it was almost as if their souls were intertwining as they stood on the deck of their shared ship. Chip's chest puffed out as his breathing hitched. Gillion's eyes stared directly into Chip's and Chip couldn't help but stare back.

Finally, Chip backed away and turned around to avoid Gillion's gaze. Gillion had no clue that what he was doing was affecting Chip in any particular way either. Chip knew this, and that might've made it worse. "I'm fine, Gillion. Go away."

Chip's tone cut through Gillion like a knife. Gillion wasn't always the best at feelings, but he knew he definitely felt something for his co-captain. Watching Chip as he confidently blew through their adventures and made plans on a head all while struggling to deal with the most horrific situations Gillion has ever seen has made Gillion not only grow a respect for him, but also a feel of admiration and affection. Gillion wasn't always good with words either, but he knew that Chip did not mean what he was saying in the slightest. Something was bothering him, and Gillion was determined to find out why.

"Chip," Gillion walked closer to him and laid a hand on his shoulder. "You can talk-"

Chip shrugged his hand off and spun around with a singular tear glistening on his cheek and another welling up at the corner of his eye. Chip didn't like what he was feeling. He knew that if he had grown too attached to Gillion, Gillion would eventually die or leave or, even worse, betray him in some way. To prevent that, Chip now had to keep Gillion at an arm's length, literally.

"Don't fuckin' touch me, man. I'm serious. I'm fine. Just go to sleep."

Chip didn't stay to hear what Gillion had to say; he simply walked over to the head of the ship to be the furthest away from him as he possibly could. Meanwhile, Gillion stood there for a moment. His webbed feet were planted-- cemented-- on the wooden boards of the deck. He watched as Chip's silhouette shrunk as he increased the distance between them. Gillion had felt a lot of things in his life, and this feeling could only be related to when he had to turn his back on his sister and leave her in the Undersea. He felt that same anguish in his heart, just on a smaller scale, as he did then.

Somehow, he lifted his feet from the ground, and slowly trekked back to the captains' quarters. He crawled into his barrel and sat there in silence for the rest of the night, not managing to get any sleep.

The next morning is when their friendship started to go downhill. Gillion would try to reach out to Chip just to be met with harsh words and physical separation. Eventually, Gillion simply didn't know what to do, so he did what he knew best to do. He waited for the moment to confront him privately. He thought over what he would say and do when he finally got the proper chance. He figured that his best bet was to form another ice ring, but he knew Chip wouldn't be pleased about that. He decided on waiting for another late night where Chip was on the deck to confront him.

Their time at Horsea had come and gone before Gillion got his chance. The night after they left Horsea and the cities they visited there, Gillion peeked out from his barrel to find Chip gone. He exited the captains' quarters, trying his hardest not to wake Jay, and walked onto the deck of The Albatross. The ship was currently docked at Allport. The crew was told to keep a low profile until the morning when they would sail out of the Horsea section and into The Southern Sea. Gillion looked around to find Chip nowhere to be found. Concern fostered in Gillion's core. He looked around at any sign of where Chip could possibly be. Gillion liked to think that he knew Chip fairly well by now, to the point where sometimes Gillion acted like Chip, because Chip was Gillion's first oversea friend and the one he tends to model his oversea mannerisms on.

So, when he spotted a small orange light with smoke emitting from it being held by a masculine figure on top of a building nearby, Gillion knew exactly where to find Chip.

"Smoking again?" Gillion sat down next to Chip on the edge of the roof.

Chip didn't even jump at the sudden presence, he simply took another drag of his cigarette. "Yeah, well," He looked at the cigarette. He doesn't even like cigarettes. The smell simply reminds him of his youth with Reuben Price, when things might've been hectic and awful, but they were familiar and oddly easier. Chip scoffed before continuing his sentence. "They taste awful." He threw the cigarette to the ground.

"Why smoke them then?" Gillion asked with nothing but innocent interest in his tone. Chip simply looked down at the cigarette slowly burning up on the ground.

"The smell." He sighed. He realized he's never been all that open about the topic of cigarettes. He's only been caught smoking them in particular stressful times, and very rarely.

Gillion looked at Chip in shock. He personally thought the smell was disgusting, but he also didn't mind the smell of dead fish. "What do you mean?"

Chip shrugged. "The smell reminds me of my childhood... Back when things were simple, I guess."

"If I remember right, your childhood was not simple at all?" Gillion questioned. He was terribly confused.

"It... Well, it was, but it was before all of this. Yeah, it was after the hole in the sea and all my family died, but it was before I was officially alone. Like, really alone. Before, I met you and Jay. I guess what I mean is... it reminds me of the last time I was good with Price. He was like my brother, but..." Chip shrugged again. "I dunno. I'm kinda used to the whole 'leavin' me' thing by now. The smell reminds me of back when I really wasn't 'cause I had Price." He chuckled. "It's kinda stupid, I guess."

Gillion nodded and looked down at the ground. "I do not think it's stupid."

Chip looked over at Gillion as he continued speaking. "The smell reminds you of family. Even if that family has... 'left you.'" He put 'left you' in air quotes.

Gillion paused and looked at Chip. "Why have you been pushing me away, Chip?"

Chip felt like the air had been knocked out of him. He didn't know what to expect from this interaction at all, but he somehow didn't expect Gillion to ask him that so bluntly. Chip didn't know how to answer it, at all.

Trying to gather himself, he sputtered out a string of incomprehensible words before taking a deep breath and straightening his back. "I- I haven't." He avoided Gillion's gaze and looked back down at the ground.

"Do not lie to me." Gillion's voice rattled Chip's body. He wasn't even speaking loudly, Gillion was just extremely assertive and Chip was extremely fragile.

"Chip, do not lie to me." He repeated.

Chip remained silent and suddenly very interested in the frog he could see hopping across the damp rocks that make the pathway below them.

Without another word, Gillion's hand found itself cupping Chip's face. He turned Chip's head to face him and stared him in the eyes. Gillion's moist, cold touch accompanied with the sudden, slightly intimate, action sent a shock through Chip's body. Chip didn't dare to try and move away from Gillion's grasp. He knew that the man was determined to get an answer out of him tonight.

"I-" Chip attempted to come up with an excuse, but looked at Gillion's determined expression and fell short. "It's complicated, Gilli."

The petname made Gillion's chest warm. Typically, people call him Gillion or Gill. Only Chip has ever called him 'Gilli'. "Explain it to me. I want to know."

Gillion's hand let go of Chip's face and fell to lay on the roof. The way he stared at Chip with nothing but concern and love indicated that he would listen with no judgement in the slightest, which comforted Chip.

"Gill... I-" He took a deep breath. "I don't want you to leave me."

Gillion's head turned to the side like a curious puppy. Chip sighed before elaborating. "Everyone I've loved has left me. Arlin and the Black Rose pirates died or... disappeared somewhere, I don't know. Only ones I even know are okay so far are Drey and Finn and I wasn't as close with them as I was with Arlin. I took his last name after the whole hole in the sea shit, I mean-" He let out a pained chuckled before choking on his own laugh as tears welled in his eyes. "Technically, I left Price, but that was his own fault after the bullshit he made me do... Everyone I've really loved like family has left me other than you, Jay, and the crew."

"Why are you distancing from me only, then? Why not Jay or the others?"

"Do I really have to spell it out for you, Gill..." Chip wiped a tear from his face and looked at Gillion, who was staring back at him with a perplexed look. "You're more than family to me. You're... You're different."

"Different? Is it because I am a fish? Because that is DEEPLY offensive!"

Chip chuckled. "No! No, it's not that. I... Gillion, I think I'm falling in love with you..."

Chip shyly looked up and met Gillion's gaze. Gillion's jaw fell ajar. "But... Love has never been good for me. I know that if I embrace that feeling, you'll end up leaving me somehow. I don't think I could..." Chip choked up and let out a small sob before looking down. "I couldn't deal with that..."

Gillion had a million things running through his head, but he ignored all of them. He gently raised his hand to Chip's face for a second time before wiping a tear from his cheek, which only caused his face to become more damp than before. "I know you're scared of love. But you don't have to run from it. Chip, I think-"

"Gillion, don't... Please, please, don't." Chip pleaded. He knew what Gillion was going to say and he knew that if he did, there was no going back.

"Chip." Gillion fully turned to face him, his legs crossing as he sat on the roof. Chip stayed as he was with his legs dangling off of the edge of the roof. Gillion moved in closer to Chip as Chip froze. "Chip, I think I'm in love with you too."

The entire world around them seemed to have froze. The bustling noises from Allport fell on their deaf ears and the light breeze in the air from the sea seemed to dissipate. The only thing that either of them were processing was the other one right in front of them.

"Why did you have to say that..." Chip whispered before grabbing Gillion's face and quickly moving in to kiss him. Gillion's eyes widened before closing gently as he returned the kiss. Gillion's hand slowly moved from Chip's cheek to the back of his head as he tenderly pressed the back of his head to get Chip's face as close to his as possible.

Gillion then pulled away to see tears streaming down Chip's face. "Chip, no, no. Why?" He frantically was wiping tears from Chip's face to no avail.

"It's gonna happen now... I'm gonna lose you..."

"Oh, Chip..." Gillion pulled into a tight embrace as Chip gripped Gillion's shirt.

"Why would you do that! Why would you tell me that!!"

"I'm not going anywhere."

"You can't promise that!"

"I can, Chip."

Chip looked up at him and laughed. "Yeah, and I can fly."

Gillion's hands held the sides of Chip's face as he slowly leaned to touch his forehead to Chip's. It was such a different way to be intimate that Chip had never experienced before. "I promise you, Chip James, that I will not leave you. I will fight for my life for you. I will stay alive... for you."

Something in Chip's body compelled him to fully believe Gillion. With his determination and undoubted loyalty, Gillion's promise held so much more weight than anyone else. Chip briefly pulled away and held up his hand before extending his pinky. "Promise?"

Gillion looked down at Chip's pinky. He had only vaguely heard about a 'pinky promise' before and he definitely didn't think of Chip to be a believer in such childish things. But Gillion would indulge in anything for Chip. He would do anything for him.

He raised his hand and extended his pinky. Gillion locked his pinky with Chip's. "I swear on Lunadeyis."

Chip's eyes widened as he looked up at the moon. He almost felt like Gillion was about to be struck where he stood, but the moon seemed to shimmer brighter. Chip almost felt like the moon was smiling down on them, and he smiled back.

"I KNEW THAT'S WHAT WAS UP!" Jay exclaimed with a wide smile. "GRYFFON, YOU OWE ME 10 GOLD NOW!"

Chip and Gillion were standing beside each other, holding hands, after telling Jay what had been happening between them. Chip's jaw fell to the floor. "YOU PLACED BETS?"

Gryffon grumbled while handing Jay 10 gold coins. "It was her idea."

"AND I WAS RIGHT! Oh, I'm so placing more bets on you, Chip. You're so predictable!"

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indigosabyss · 3 months ago

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not to go on another crossover brainrot. but consider. dr stone x jujutsu kaisen crossover, w the base premise of ryuusui and kento being cousins.

ikik nanami is a very common surname. but they also both have blond hair, brown(-ish) eyes, and pale skin. Nanami (Kento; sorry im more used to calling him Nanami 😭) also thinks a lot about money once he quits being a sorcerer. Which is obvs meant to talk about real world issues, but also would be in line with Nanami upbringing.

ok this got way longer than i thought, so read more for a major yap session.

Kento is also a really disciplined guy, which fits into the ideals of what the Nanami household wanted Ryuusui to be. Makes him fit perfectly into the Dr Stone world. (also we know ryuusui canonically has a bunch of cousins/siblings he doesn't talk about at all so there's precedent for the family connection too)

On the flipside, Ryuusui has learnt, through real world experience, that he can get anything he wants with enough hard work and money to pave the way. Except jujutsu sorcery. He'll never be capable of that, no matter how much he wants it.

In my mind, the two universes first intersect when Ryuusui sneaks into Jujutsu Tech to see Kento, some time in the guy's second year. Since both universes use the real world calendar, its easy to pinpoint Ryuusui as being eight years younger than Kento.

Nanami Conglomerate isn't a Jujutsu clan. They really are just a regular rich-ass family company, who had a sorcerer randomly. There's some discussion about that. A lot of "damn, nanami's loaded??? why tf can't he get a better hairstylist then" type of shenaniganry.

[Side plot: At that point, Ryuusui isn't the heir at all. (I think if you refuse to let your child into family photographs out of shame, then you are not leaving a trillion-yen company to him) so there's going to be some politicking about on Francois' end to make him heir, with the two cutting a deal for Francois to be his main assistant in everything if they get it done.]

Kento and Ryuusui's relationship is strained, bc Kento has been raised to keep his distance from the black sheep of the family - even tho all Ryuusui has done so far is mess around with the stock market a little bit, so Kento doesn't really get it and talks to him anyway sometimes.

To Ryuusui, however, Kento is like his third-favorite person. (First is Sai, second is Francois) bc his 7-3 ratio technique is very useful for model building and this boy has a talent for sniffing out gifts he can exploit.

So anyway, Sai is off being tutored in economics, moving up several grade levels above his age, and Ryuusui was stuck at the Naval Academy, so he sneaks out to get to Kento, who does not speak about his school and is understandably confused when Ryuusui sneaks in and is discovered by the students.

Gojo in particular is entertained bc at that age he hasn't interacted with many young children before, and he is considering adopting the Fushiguro kid, so he kinda wants to see what he's getting himself into.

Ryuusui is having the time of his life. Everyone treats him so nice! They listen to his stories about his regular life. And then have to take Nanami to the side and break it to him that the entire family was kind of purposefully neglecting these two kids. Which makes him rethink some things about his life and the structures he upholds.

Ryuusui really wants to be a sorcerer. But he can't. So of course he finds an S-tier scientist who may or may not be called Ishigami Senku to science out a solution for him.

Francois - even though I love them with my heart and soul - will also be non-sorcerer here. But armed with cursed tools to defend Ryuusui in case something goes bad on his adventures.

And on top of all that, in the horizon, there looms a Special Grade curse, almost primordial in its age and strength, capable of affecting the entire world in one fell swoop. The Medusa.

#crossover #dcst #dr stone #nanami ryusui #jjk #jujutsu kaisen #nanami kento

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doekimakura · 2 months ago

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"The 'me' that you see wasn't enough, so you leave."

I posted another art here before relating Sigma's relationship with [Spoiler man] and why it destroyed me from the inside out HAHAHA

but this time im adding some not-so-tiny rant under here bc their strained relationship is so personal to me IM SORRY BOYS FOR RUINING YOU but this is an AU anyway so i get to go ham

(also fuck it im revealing spoiler man)

"Haru no Sekibaku" / "The Desolation of Spring" is one of my early Inabakumori songs which depicts thrown away relationship/friendship. Depends on how you see it, the singer laments but also cursed the relationship and the person who left them once their use ran out and, well,

Sigma's whole thing since MCSS has always been a 'tool' initially. He is appointed to serve Raha and to prioritize their happiness over himself. While Raha was thankful for his 110% effort, there was no actual reciprocation for all that effort, while Sigma wished to share a more 'special' relationship with someone who he thinks has feelings for him.

In a way, he expected Raha to love him/show love back to him, whereas Rahauel/Steven does not do the same due to their initial position and the trouble it would bring.

(TBHHHHH my plans for Sigma was initially different than who he is now. Aka, i didnt really plan this out properly since Sigma was supposed to just be a yandere trope villain who appears time and time again. I DIDNT MEAN TO MAKE HIM FLESHED OUT INITIALLY. MY GOD, HE WAS PLANNED TO BE A SHALLOW VILLAIN BFSGVFDSF which is why all this extra backstory planning were last minute, yet they are so good that i couldn't help BUT include them. It's why their conflict is so messy and confusing to me, because I think I planned it very poorly and didn't connect the dots right and ended up feeling weird about it.)

(Teehee)

bUT LISTEN the song basically just hits them right. For Sigma, it was a declaration of remorse for all the wasted effort and the useless feeling of chasing a one-sided relationship and the bitterness of having that innocent yet entitlement tarnished when Steven rejected him after the first BBQ event.

But on the other side of the coin, it also lowkey applied to Steven/Raha, who did their best to be accepted by an uncaring mother who wanted nothing but tangible results and victory over everything.

So all that remains are lingering feelings, yet also a bridge burnt to the ground from both ends.

And what makes it worse is that Sigma refuses to talk to Steven out of that bitterness, disappointment, and also ego after saying he will leave Svallin forever. On the other hand, Steven avoids him out of guilt, or puts on a mask and throwing shallow quips at Sigma whenever they meet because he realized the severity of what he did and weighed by guilt over it, thinking he deserves someone better instead of babysitting a weak, 'helpless' asshole like him.

...

Just kiss already.

#Minecraft Fanwork: Svallin #MCFW: Svallin #[mc] rudell/sigma #Spoiler man #they are 10 times divorced and their relationship is sorta toxic asf but hey #my world my rules #on the other hand tho these bitches better make up asap pls #i know yall wanna kiss #so tALK IT OUT #FUCKIN STUPID BITCHES #also theres ... admittedly another inabakumori song that fits [Spoiler man] more but #due to its EVEN MORE DEPRESSING nature i wont be sharing it here #Man‚ all of my ocs just have pieces of me that i struggle with today AHAHAHA HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAH #SOMEONE HELP ME

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trickstarbrave · 11 months ago

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i wrote smth....

im writing out of order again sorry

anyways this is from the vivi au. post azura shrine being destroyed i gotta go back and write that. and their introduction. and stuff.

vivienne from @mulberrycafe

It was quiet, just the two of them warming up by the heartfire. It was the dead of night, the only sound being the crackling embers and wind outside. Vivienne had woken up after everyone else went to sleep, being left beside Steren who opted to stay awake to watch over him. It’s not like he wanted to go back to bed after all that anyways.

“... Your parents are dead then.” Vivienne finally said. Steren stiffened slightly.

“... Yes.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Vivienne asked quietly, and Steren had to sigh.

“I knew it would make everything a lot more… Awkward.” He had said he ended up there after trying to make a deal with a daedric prince to see his parents again. If he had said plainly that his parents were dead everyone would know he didn’t want to be alive anymore. What were they supposed to say to that? The only reason Steren didn’t end himself in the wake of his despair and disappointment that he’d never see his parents again was because he knew it would only compound his suffering. Even if he killed himself they wouldn’t be in any afterlife he would go to in this world, and he doubted Azura would suddenly look upon him favorably.

He still didn’t know what the “Good” Daedra wanted with him. Steren thought Azura would be content that he fulfilled the prophecy with little complaints. Just like he said, he killed one of his fathers and said goodbye to the other on her orders. He did everything right. He played it by the book, and Azura was said to be one of the most benevolent princes.

Yet here she was, trying to kill his lover and calling him Vivec. Here Mephala was, ordering his lover to kill him with that accursed fucking sword. He had no doubts Boethiah wouldn’t react the same, trying to take something from him or kill him for her own benefit. He was playing a losing game.

“But I could have tried to help you.” Vivienne argued. “I-I could have--”

“Shh…” Steren wrapped one arm around him gently. “Vivienne, you did help me.”

“No I didn’t--”

“Vivi,” Steren placed one hand on his cheek, his thumb stroking the skin, looking into his duo colored eyes. “You didn’t have to know to help me.” In all honesty, Vivienne trying to reassure him constantly or watching him like a hawk would have probably only put a strain on their relationship. “But you did. You helped me more than you know.” Steren took a breath, trying to steady himself from his emotions.

“When I met you I had nothing. I was in a world I didn’t know, a time I didn’t understand, in the most bizarre circumstances. I was used to nothing but being pushed around and thought I had… Nothing else to live for.” Steren continued stroking his skin. “I wasn’t ready to talk about it. I was certain it was over for me. And yet…” He felt a tickle at his heart and the subtle sensation of tears trying to sting at his eyes. “I started to feel… Alive again.” He took another breath. “I started to enjoy the walk. Enjoying seeing Skyrim.” His arm around Vivienne grew a bit tighter. “I… Enjoyed listening to you laugh. Listening to you sing. Watching you smile.” He knew Vivienne wasn’t always sincere, but it was never out of malice, just fear that the people he loved wouldn’t stay with him if he wasn’t. And besides, Steren wasn’t always sincere either. “I… I wanted to be here, with you. More than anything.”

“But your parents,” Vivienne said softly, “If they’re dead in your world, what if they’re alive here?” It made sense to guess. Azura was typically one to try and give people what they asked for, at least somewhat. Steren also toyed around with the idea himself; what if in this world Nerevar or Voryn were still alive? He found a book at the college that offhandedly mentioned the nerevarine defeated Dagoth Ur, and shortly afterwards Baar Dau fell and many still blamed the eruption on Dagoth Ur. It was possible that somewhere in this world one of his parents had been brought back to life and was living out there. But then again, they wouldn’t really be Steren’s parents, now would they? If the nerevarine actually was Nerevar reborn, that meant Steren was never born and thus, no one for Nerevar’s soul to cling to. And on top of that, what if they didn’t even want to be acknowledged as Nerevar at all? They could have their own life and identity they built for themselves.

How uncomfortable would it be to have someone come up to you and call you “Nerevar” and to be told they’re your child from another lifetime and another world? Even if they believed him, that would only add to their problems. They wouldn’t know anything about Steren. They wouldn’t love him. They wouldn’t have been waiting for him. They were probably still processing everything from their time in Vvardenfell. And that was only considering if Steren could find them. Did he really want to spend years, decades, or even centuries chasing after his past again? Chasing after his ‘family’?

“I’ve spent so long chasing after answers of who my parents were.” Steren confessed. “Who I was supposed to be.” Steren had died one lifetime chasing after that, and all it had really done was gotten him killed. “I put myself in harm's way time and time again for those answers. But…” Steren’s eyes were firm in their resolve. “I know everything I need to. I know who my parents were. And I know that they loved me more than anything.” Gods did he know that. Even mad and crazed as Dagoth Ur, Voryn Dagoth still loved him. Still called Steren his son. Still wanted to have Steren in his arms and mourned the time he lost to see Steren grow up. And Nerevar loved him so much he couldn’t bare to leave him alone even in death, and continued watching over all of his descendants.

“I don’t want to spend more of my life looking for versions of my parents that won’t even remember me. They might be considered the same by a daedric prince, but they won’t know me or remember me. They might not even love each other in this world, let alone had me.” It was kind of hard to fathom is parents not loving each other--far harder than to imagine himself never being born. Steren was born of a union that was forbidden, after all, and it was easier to picture Nerevar never going through with the pregnancy rather than risk his child being hurt or left alone like he inevitably was.

“But…”

“Vivienne,” Steren continued. “I’m happy here.” He was being completely honest. “I’m happy being with you. I’m happy waking up getting to see you every day. Far more happy than I ever was chasing answers.” He then smiled softly, leaning in to kiss his cheek. “I’m choosing to be here with you. I’m choosing to be happy.”

Slowly, Vivienne settled down, snuggling into him properly. He wrapped the blanket around the both of them, letting them share each other’s warmth and sit in silence to listen to the crackling fire.

“I don’t know if you’ll be safe with me…”

“Is anywhere in Tamriel really safe?” Steren asked, making a joke, resulting in Vivienne suppressing a laugh.

“I’m serious,” Vivienne countered. “I… I don’t know why Azura did that. I don’t know why she called me Vivec--why she hates me. I’m not Vivec.”

“No, you aren’t.” Steren reassured him. “I would know it if you were.” He had met Vivec before, after all. In multiple lifetimes. He knew the warrior-poets mannerisms, his strange habits, and his way of speaking. He knew his flaws and how he tried to do what he thought was right even if it hurt others, or how he could be self-serving when he wanted to be. But Vivienne was… Soft. Insecure. Afraid--afraid of being alone, of being abandoned, or being hurt. If he lied and seduced it was because he thought he had to to survive, not to gain something more than he already had. Vivec was selfish because he started with nothing, and Vivienne was scared because of the same circumstances rather than selfish. “I didn’t think Azura was one to judge people so harshly based on appearances alone…” Sure, Vivienne’s skin condition was odd, but just as easily he could have been cursed at birth by Vivec out of spite or as a misguided “blessing”.

“But the power--I-I destroyed the statue--”

“You are also dragonborn.” Steren added. “I’ve seen you devour a dragon’s soul and leave nothing but bones behind. Other stories from the nords say the dragonborn can level mountains or destroy entire cities. It’s not impossible you killed some daedra and destroyed a statue.”

“It doesn’t… Feel right.” Vivienne admitted. “Sorry, I’m not making any sense…”

“You’re tired.” Steren reassured him. “We can worry about it in the morning.” He then scooped Vivienne up, now that the two were warmed up properly. “In the meantime, why don’t we sleep a little bit more?”

“Mm…” Vivienne hummed softly.

Tucked into bed, Steren was even more firm in his resolve, holding Vivienne close to try and wash away the helplessness he felt as Kaidan had to carry Vivienne back instead.

He was happy here. He was choosing his own happiness over the past, for once. He was deciding to leave whatever the Good Daedra had planned behind and to make his own happiness if they wouldn’t give it to him. His parents were dead and he would never return to their arms being in another world, but that didn’t mean he had to despair. He found something just as important right here, in his arms.

No matter how much the daedra tried to take this happiness from him, Steren wouldn’t let him. He finally had something all his own, and he wasn’t going to let anyone take it from it. Not now, not ever.

#steren #steren nerevarine #vivienne dragonborn #steren is rly like 'eh my parents don't even know me in this world if they are alive. they might not even love each other. i wont be missed #meanwhile nerevar and voryn are having 15 mental breakdowns a day barely holding it together #vivi au

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csprslvt · 10 months ago

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teachers aide pt.6

Summary: Abby supports and comforts reader in her mistakes and reader has never felt more loved WARNINGS: relationship trauma implied, reader is bpd coded (real af) and hates herself, but abby loves her.

Abby was the first person you went to. And when she pulled your shaking body into her strong embrace you couldn't help but to feel like you didn't deserve it. Like you were such a fuck up, like you would never deserve love, Ellie’s especially.

Eventually you calmed down enough to speak, after Abby consistently held you, telling you to not be sorry, to please just breathe, that everything was okay.

“You gonna tell me what's going on? Hm?” She spoke softly as if speaking to a wounded animal or a feral stray.

You shook your head, sitting across from her on her daybed, legs touching, enough distance to feel safe but enough touch to feel grounded.

“Im just such a fuck up.”

Abby's eyebrows furrowed in concern, “Why would you say that?”

“I kissed Ellie.”

“Oh.”

“Yea”

The aura in the room was uncomfortable and strained, had you ruined another friendship yet again? With such simple words?

“And you regret it?”

You snapped your head up at Abby, you hadn't expected those words.

“No? Yes? I don't know. I'm confused.``

“No you aren't.” Abby said sternly

“What?”

“You act dumb as if you're just confused about your feelings but you knew Ellie liked you, you knew she wanted you and you didn't reject her. A part of you,,, as much as I hate to admit it, wants her too.”

You looked at her blankly, her brutal honesty was not anticipated.

“And you know how I feel. I don't even have to say it.”

“Yea. Yes I do” you responded.

“So what do you want y/n? To mend things with Ellie? To lose her and forget? I see how you care for her, I see how you look at her. And I see how you look at me.” Abby said sternly, emphasis on her words.

“Do you want me?” She said, nervousness lacing her speech.

“Abby you treat me so well, like you understand, you think I deserve to be loved”

“You do deserve to be loved”

“Then why is it so hard for me to feel that way?”

“Is there something that's happened in the past? Someone who made you feel unworthy?”

For a minute, you wanted to lie, tell her no it's always been this way. But your track record wasn't great, every relationship you self destructed, every relationship you felt like a failure, a monster, unloveable.

“I guess so”

“Y/n, you never open up. You let me talk about my life, my family… my dad and you have never let me listen to the real problems I know you have.”

You tensed, it felt like an attack on your vulnerability or rather your inability to feel vulnerable, your fears.

“But you never lean on me, you never let me help you” Abby reached forward, holding your hands in her own calloused ones. “Never let me know you.” She spoke softly, rubbing your knuckles to sooth you. “ Never let me love you.”

You cringed.

“Please don't say that you do.”

“But I do.” Abby's expression was fearful, yet hopeful. “And I'm not the only one”

“I ruin everything.” You mumbled, jaw tense and eyebrows bunched together, it broke Abby's heart to see you so lost. “Everything I do, everyone I touch, everyone I let touch me.”

“I want so badly to just be normal. To be kind, soft, loving, to be loved. But I failed. I failed Ellie, I failed you, I failed myself especially.”

“You've never failed me.”

“But I have.”

“No, you don't get to decide how I feel or what I want or how to protect me. Pushing me away isn't going to help me, it won't protect me.”

“It's better than hurting you with my inadequacy.”

Eye contact at this point wasn't being maintained, It was too painful. Still Abby let go of your hands and moved to hold your face instead, her grasp was gentle, soft, loving. Everything you wanted to be Abby embodied.

“People who love each other, sometimes hurt each other.” Her words were the cooling ointment after the chemical burn, the ice pack on your very bruised heart and soul. “They don't want to, but people make mistakes. They hurt each other but they love enough to talk through it, to keep going.” Abby stroked your cheek, this close she smelt of pine and wood. “They don't give up on eachother. And I won't give up on you.”

Fuck,

Dont cry

Dont cry.

“I know you have a lot to do about Ellie. But I won't force you to do some stupid immature bullshit like pick between me or her. Whatever way you want me, need me I’ll remain. If you need a friend I'm here, I always will be. Even if I want to love you, I can't force you to let me in. I won't do that to you.”

If you weren't already falling for Abby, you certainly were now. How could you not with the way she speaks to you?

In the moment you hadn't realized the fat teardrops dripping down your flushed cheeks until Abby wiped them away. You didn't want to cry, you hated crying but it was an unstoppable salty stream. It wouldn't seem to go away. The concern in Abby's blue eyes grew and she looked at you like you mattered. Like you meant something.

“Thank you.” You wish you had it in you to say more, to show her your gratitude but her words took away all ability to speak.

Abby truly, honestly wanted to love you, wanted to know you. It was now your choice to let her.

“I think I need to get help.” You mumbled,Abby still caressing your face, wiping away the remnants of tears. She cracked a smile.

“There is nothing wrong with that. I went to grief counseling for a long time after my dad passed.”

“Well I dunno about going to therapy…”

“Y/n.”

“No I just mean like, I need to help myself, allow myself to feel and be loved…and I need to have a long conversation with Ellie.”

“Yea, very much so”

“Oh shut up” You said jokingly, a smile finally gracing your features again, Abby's heart melted. Here you were, tears stained in her arms, yet you still smiled.

The rest of the day you spent in Abby's dorm, you followed her to the gym and cafe, all successfully without being seen by Ellie. And for the first time in a long time, you felt loved.

Ellie on the other hand, she wasn't doing so hot. Promptly after kicking you out of her dorm her soft spot for you became her weakness. She was angry, so angry but she also hated to hurt you. She hated to love you. She made a mess of her dorm, thank god she didn't have a roommate courtesy of joel. And when she was done raging and realized what a mess she made she began to regret her actions, still she didn't admit it. She didn't want to be the first to apologize but she didn't want to lose you. It had been almost a year of her pining over you, of her having you as support and her best friend. She would miss you, she already missed you. She cleaned up her dorm and laid on her bed sheets, they still smelt of you. God, she had to wash them.

Notes:

Hello my readers! I have once again, been inconsistent in my updates I am so sorry, and the chapter was short. SO much has happened recently and it's hard to keep up, but I love writing and bringing you this story. Thank you all for your support. BUT I need suggestions on who reader ends up with, I'm still very conflicted. Please comment opinions and thoughts! Have an amazing day/night!

#ellie x reader #gaming #fem reader #the last of us 2 #ellie williams #eventual smut #angst #abby x reader #abby anderson #ellie tlou2

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