#meanwhile nerevar and voryn are having 15 mental breakdowns a day barely holding it together

[trickstarbrave]

i wrote smth....

im writing out of order again sorry

anyways this is from the vivi au. post azura shrine being destroyed i gotta go back and write that. and their introduction. and stuff.

vivienne from @mulberrycafe

--

It was quiet, just the two of them warming up by the heartfire. It was the dead of night, the only sound being the crackling embers and wind outside. Vivienne had woken up after everyone else went to sleep, being left beside Steren who opted to stay awake to watch over him. It’s not like he wanted to go back to bed after all that anyways. 

“... Your parents are dead then.” Vivienne finally said. Steren stiffened slightly. 

“... Yes.” 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Vivienne asked quietly, and Steren had to sigh. 

“I knew it would make everything a lot more… Awkward.” He had said he ended up there after trying to make a deal with a daedric prince to see his parents again. If he had said plainly that his parents were dead everyone would know he didn’t want to be alive anymore. What were they supposed to say to that? The only reason Steren didn’t end himself in the wake of his despair and disappointment that he’d never see his parents again was because he knew it would only compound his suffering. Even if he killed himself they wouldn’t be in any afterlife he would go to in this world, and he doubted Azura would suddenly look upon him favorably. 

He still didn’t know what the “Good” Daedra wanted with him. Steren thought Azura would be content that he fulfilled the prophecy with little complaints. Just like he said, he killed one of his fathers and said goodbye to the other on her orders. He did everything right. He played it by the book, and Azura was said to be one of the most benevolent princes. 

Yet here she was, trying to kill his lover and calling him Vivec. Here Mephala was, ordering his lover to kill him with that accursed fucking sword. He had no doubts Boethiah wouldn’t react the same, trying to take something from him or kill him for her own benefit. He was playing a losing game. 

“But I could have tried to help you.” Vivienne argued. “I-I could have--”

“Shh…” Steren wrapped one arm around him gently. “Vivienne, you did help me.” 

“No I didn’t--”

“Vivi,” Steren placed one hand on his cheek, his thumb stroking the skin, looking into his duo colored eyes. “You didn’t have to know to help me.” In all honesty, Vivienne trying to reassure him constantly or watching him like a hawk would have probably only put a strain on their relationship. “But you did. You helped me more than you know.” Steren took a breath, trying to steady himself from his emotions.

“When I met you I had nothing. I was in a world I didn’t know, a time I didn’t understand, in the most bizarre circumstances. I was used to nothing but being pushed around and thought I had… Nothing else to live for.” Steren continued stroking his skin. “I wasn’t ready to talk about it. I was certain it was over for me. And yet…” He felt a tickle at his heart and the subtle sensation of tears trying to sting at his eyes. “I started to feel… Alive again.” He took another breath. “I started to enjoy the walk. Enjoying seeing Skyrim.” His arm around Vivienne grew a bit tighter. “I… Enjoyed listening to you laugh. Listening to you sing. Watching you smile.” He knew Vivienne wasn’t always sincere, but it was never out of malice, just fear that the people he loved wouldn’t stay with him if he wasn’t. And besides, Steren wasn’t always sincere either. “I… I wanted to be here, with you. More than anything.” 

“But your parents,” Vivienne said softly, “If they’re dead in your world, what if they’re alive here?” It made sense to guess. Azura was typically one to try and give people what they asked for, at least somewhat. Steren also toyed around with the idea himself; what if in this world Nerevar or Voryn were still alive? He found a book at the college that offhandedly mentioned the nerevarine defeated Dagoth Ur, and shortly afterwards Baar Dau fell and many still blamed the eruption on Dagoth Ur. It was possible that somewhere in this world one of his parents had been brought back to life and was living out there. But then again, they wouldn’t really be Steren’s parents, now would they? If the nerevarine actually was Nerevar reborn, that meant Steren was never born and thus, no one for Nerevar’s soul to cling to. And on top of that, what if they didn’t even want to be acknowledged as Nerevar at all? They could have their own life and identity they built for themselves. 

How uncomfortable would it be to have someone come up to you and call you “Nerevar” and to be told they’re your child from another lifetime and another world? Even if they believed him, that would only add to their problems. They wouldn’t know anything about Steren. They wouldn’t love him. They wouldn’t have been waiting for him. They were probably still processing everything from their time in Vvardenfell. And that was only considering if Steren could find them. Did he really want to spend years, decades, or even centuries chasing after his past again? Chasing after his ‘family’? 

“I’ve spent so long chasing after answers of who my parents were.” Steren confessed. “Who I was supposed to be.” Steren had died one lifetime chasing after that, and all it had really done was gotten him killed. “I put myself in harm's way time and time again for those answers. But…” Steren’s eyes were firm in their resolve. “I know everything I need to. I know who my parents were. And I know that they loved me more than anything.” Gods did he know that. Even mad and crazed as Dagoth Ur, Voryn Dagoth still loved him. Still called Steren his son. Still wanted to have Steren in his arms and mourned the time he lost to see Steren grow up. And Nerevar loved him so much he couldn’t bare to leave him alone even in death, and continued watching over all of his descendants. 

“I don’t want to spend more of my life looking for versions of my parents that won’t even remember me. They might be considered the same by a daedric prince, but they won’t know me or remember me. They might not even love each other in this world, let alone had me.” It was kind of hard to fathom is parents not loving each other--far harder than to imagine himself never being born. Steren was born of a union that was forbidden, after all, and it was easier to picture Nerevar never going through with the pregnancy rather than risk his child being hurt or left alone like he inevitably was. 

“But…” 

“Vivienne,” Steren continued. “I’m happy here.” He was being completely honest. “I’m happy being with you. I’m happy waking up getting to see you every day. Far more happy than I ever was chasing answers.” He then smiled softly, leaning in to kiss his cheek. “I’m choosing to be here with you. I’m choosing to be happy.” 

Slowly, Vivienne settled down, snuggling into him properly. He wrapped the blanket around the both of them, letting them share each other’s warmth and sit in silence to listen to the crackling fire. 

“I don’t know if you’ll be safe with me…” 

“Is anywhere in Tamriel really safe?” Steren asked, making a joke, resulting in Vivienne suppressing a laugh.

“I’m serious,” Vivienne countered. “I… I don’t know why Azura did that. I don’t know why she called me Vivec--why she hates me. I’m not Vivec.” 

“No, you aren’t.” Steren reassured him. “I would know it if you were.” He had met Vivec before, after all. In multiple lifetimes. He knew the warrior-poets mannerisms, his strange habits, and his way of speaking. He knew his flaws and how he tried to do what he thought was right even if it hurt others, or how he could be self-serving when he wanted to be. But Vivienne was… Soft. Insecure. Afraid--afraid of being alone, of being abandoned, or being hurt. If he lied and seduced it was because he thought he had to to survive, not to gain something more than he already had. Vivec was selfish because he started with nothing, and Vivienne was scared because of the same circumstances rather than selfish. “I didn’t think Azura was one to judge people so harshly based on appearances alone…” Sure, Vivienne’s skin condition was odd, but just as easily he could have been cursed at birth by Vivec out of spite or as a misguided “blessing”. 

“But the power--I-I destroyed the statue--”

“You are also dragonborn.” Steren added. “I’ve seen you devour a dragon’s soul and leave nothing but bones behind. Other stories from the nords say the dragonborn can level mountains or destroy entire cities. It’s not impossible you killed some daedra and destroyed a statue.”

“It doesn’t… Feel right.” Vivienne admitted. “Sorry, I’m not making any sense…”

“You’re tired.” Steren reassured him. “We can worry about it in the morning.” He then scooped Vivienne up, now that the two were warmed up properly. “In the meantime, why don’t we sleep a little bit more?”

“Mm…” Vivienne hummed softly.

Tucked into bed, Steren was even more firm in his resolve, holding Vivienne close to try and wash away the helplessness he felt as Kaidan had to carry Vivienne back instead. 

He was happy here. He was choosing his own happiness over the past, for once. He was deciding to leave whatever the Good Daedra had planned behind and to make his own happiness if they wouldn’t give it to him. His parents were dead and he would never return to their arms being in another world, but that didn’t mean he had to despair. He found something just as important right here, in his arms. 

No matter how much the daedra tried to take this happiness from him, Steren wouldn’t let him. He finally had something all his own, and he wasn’t going to let anyone take it from it. Not now, not ever.