#another day being so normal about them
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I thought about them as two guys who had grown up together in this really deep, intense way, because they’re kind of orphans. They come from these really well to do families who have shunted them off to a tennis boarding school to be raised by coaches. So they’ve grown up together in locker rooms, and dorm rooms, and on the court, they’ve gone through puberty together, they’ve had crushes on the same girls, they’ve gone through all of the things boys go through growing up and they’ve done it with each other. (Justin Kuritzkes on Art and Patrick)
#been listening to the podcasts i had saved up for a while and almost burst into tears when he said this i won’t lie#another day being so normal about them#artpatrick#challengers#artrick#patrick zweig#art donaldson#🎾
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Dumb and dumber
And dumbest (subjecting tumblr to my shitposts)
#trigun#running away from bounty hunters#just another normal day for vash and ww#they thought they were being slick#the sillies#love them so much#we dont talk about the other comic#constipated ww is still hilarious to think about though#this man's bowels have to be nasty from all the dehydration from walking in the desert and the stress he's under#shinxo comic#shinxo art
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I see your "Bruce won't hesitate to adopt Billy" and "Billy tries to beat Bruce away from himself with a stick bc he independed" but I raise you: Batman tries to parent Captain Marvel exactly once -after finding out Billy's identity without his consent- and Billy decides 'bet' and becomes his full time problem
(For the purposes of Batman not being an absolute ass he doesn't tell JL about Billy)
#billy batson#batman#bruce wayne#shazam#billy batson is a menace#batdad#bruce doesn't have an adoption problem#at least not in a normal sense#they just appear and refuse to leave#billy batson is a chaos gremlin#billy batson just walks into the manor one day and acts like he lives there#he makes sure bruce is on an off world mission#alfred knows somethings up but doesn't question it#the kids learn his name and also don't question it#but they're still mad#bruce never tells them anything#they don't know he is captain marvel bc funny#he just dissappears everyday but all of them sneak out so they don't think anything of it#they realise he knows about them being bats and think it's another tim situation#eventually batman comes back#he doesn't immediately notice the new kid#the rest of batfam think it's a confirmation that that is their new sibling#“so where did you get this one from?”#“where what?”#chaos insues#batkids filled adoption papers for bruce#billy lied that the mission came up before he could do that#everyone got bamboozled#billy calls bruce pops for shits and giggles#billy watches the manor burn
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it just idea .......
#not art (yet) babeyy#had the thought of '' ogh hyperfem barbarian!fig'' the other day and. well thats another design set#and adaine's our Hoodie Kid™ this time#but the specifics of these silhouettes are kinda tricky#esp. with adaine and like. how to differentiate her and gorgug (who still wears a hoodie the normal way in freshman year)#still straight up have No idea what fabian and kristen look like yet...#they and riz are like the self-seekers coming into this freshman year and riz true to form looks like Nothing. just Absolute Squat#so it makes a Little sense if they go that way too. but thats like. idk I dont foresee that being visually interesting#no actually I dont think I can make kristen look like just some guy if I actively try. so we'll see about her#just thinking a little bit abt adaine showing up at school with a bag full of clothes she can change into so shes not wearing#the damn hudol uniform the whole day. but no second pair of shoes so she's wearing That with the mary janes#fig offers to switch shoes with her every day at school until adaine ends angwyn's life#(still gotta actually put it down on paper but I dont think fig stays hyperfem the whole way thru I think kristen is her awakening to#more aesthetics. which is funny bc I think kristen is the most Character character of them all. shes like naruto shes got a closet#of just the same pieces)#(this is a liittle bit informed by my exmo friend's stories. but also its an adhd thing sometimes. from experience)
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You ever think about how Ryne probably got a more honest yet closed-off Thancred while Minfilia got a more disingenuine yet open Thancred?
Like, the Thancred Minfilia knew and grew up with was the one we saw in arr, the flirty, teasing and sassy but friendly man who was clearly not very honest seeing as no one- not even Minfilia- noticed how worn out he was from his constant work. Even just by hw he's noticably more prickly and. not quite rude but. more outwardly cynical? He's always been kinda cynical, but in arr his teasing and banter hides it well, which never disappears but is more. natural? genuine? now. Krile directly points out that he's much more brusque than she expected of him based on how Minfilia described him.
And sure, you could attribute that behaviour to his grief and stress (which is certainly a part of it) but considering he acts much the same in ew, when he's finally moved on and come to terms with everything (and is also post-shb character development), I think it's safe to say that this is the most honest we've seen Thancred be.
But this is all Ryne has known him to be. She's never seen Thancred be flirtatious or as social and friendly as he is in arr, she's only seen him be brusque and cynical but still teasing and kind. But he's also far more closed off from her (and others) bc of That Whole Deal going on. Urianger has told her more about Thancred's true feelings than Thancred himself has. and even that's not a lot, for Urianger is not only not a mind reader and doesn't know everything that goes on on Thancred's head, but also is reluctant to share more than is necessary since it's not his place to divulge these things (and also he himself is not free from the folly of emotional self-isolation).
With Minfilia though, he's open enough that she's never doubted that he cared for and loved her even when he couldn't spend much time with her, and she felt comfortable enough to admonish him when he did his usual self-destructive behaviour (you know, becoming an alchoholic at 17 and All That Entails)
Just. food for thought
#theres a lot of these parallels between ryne & minfilia in regards to their relationship with thancred#like. the way things are so similar yet so *different* from each other#same same but opposite ya know#like how thancred blames himself for warburtons death and by extention minfilia being orphaned even tho it was in no way his fault#vs how he knowingly took ryne away from ran'jit bc he knew that whatever other life shed live would be better than what she had#when minfilia first experienced the echo thancred knew wat it was but didnt tell her (for circle of knowing related reasons)#whereas he told ryne everything he could in regards to her powers and circumstances#he gifted minfilia her dagger for self-defense but never taught her how to fight#but ryne was not only gifted daggers by him but also taught how to properly fight and fend for herself with them#and he trusted minfilia in the main care of f'lhaminn while he took a more secondary support role#but he assigned himself the primary caretaker for ryne while the others (read: urianger) became secondary ones#(granted due to rynes situation he kinda had no other choice at the time)#(but im sure he wouldve taken the same role even if he could theoretically have safely handed her over to someone else)#also just to be clear thancred IS genuinely social and friendly even hw & up#just not as extroverted#he spends a lot of time either by himself or with fellow scions/other close companions#rather than with whatever lady hes trynna impress next#anyway. yet another day of being Completelt Normal about this complicated family situation#thancred waters#ryne waters#minfilia warde#final fantasy#final fantasy 14#final fantasy xiv#ff14#ffxiv#xander rambles#xander being insane about ryne
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🍊🫐 throughout time!
#splatoon#splatoon oc#sydney (oc)#other's ocs#shades (yen)#lizzy does art#good morning tumblr dot com. (or afternoon. or evening) behold another example of me being perfectly normal about fruit shrimp.#THEY MAKE ME SO!!! 🥺🥺🥺 yen and i have talked. soso much about the different activities that encompass their relationship...#and also how the way they emote/express themselves around each other changes over the course of their rship progression!#it's fun to play oc barbie i hope everyone can play toys with a friend. THE WHIMSY AND INSPIRATION IT GIVES!! YIPPEE!#and so i've channeled my love and appreciation for that aspect of them in this composition.. it was fun to play with colors for this 🙏#this is one of those pieces where i felt more intentional and deliberate with things. hopefully it comes across even if you dont know-#the specifics of what bonks with these two... i love finding ways to tell stories!!! yippee!! and i will keep on getting better!#im having fun drawing again i am rediscovering that sillay little whimsy...#also why is captioning so hard. nooo lizz haha nooo you can write more than orange and blueberry emote right?? right?? (im trying my best)#AND TO ANYONE WHO TAKES AN INTEREST IN WHATEVER is going on with my friends and i's ocs. thank u. i love u. mwah. have a great day.
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SPERG YOUR HEART OUT
#EVERYONE#NOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#& FOREVER#i love it when my friends &/or mutuals post about their interest & Passions i will like your posts but really i Loved them.#i deleted some tags because they might be interpreted as weird(er than usual) but 0_0 i am ♯Passionate about ♯Passion (for fashion - Bratz)#still kind of feel like a worthless human being but i secured another hangout in like a week so yayyy ^_^#I GET TO BOTHER SOMEONE TOO NOW i just wish people did that to me too why am i like always the one raving#literally have to beg my friend to give me updates on her things even if i normally hate it even i go out of my way to look for things#for us to discuss -_- GIRL please i am for real not just faking for politeness who do you think i am I WANT TO KNOW#so effin excited OMG i have like so much to say & the greatest thing is that this girl has no knowledge at all about my Thing#so i can explain from the very beginning You literally have no idea how much i practiced the conversation in my head#ever since she told me & she said she wanted me to go on & talk about it more i have been Devising My Plan#OMG YAYYYY ^_^_^_^_^_^ AIMU SO HEPI AAARRRGHHHHHGSJDJSHSJDHSHSG#& OFC i had to plug it in the first time i met her in person i just could not help myself there was an NF on that day & i told her i wanted#to catch it i had to go in the end for a different reason & BTW it was such a whiplash the show itself was so fun but the winner... 0_0 NO.#next i will ask her about berserk & maybe even read it so we can talk about it because she really likes it#i dropped it when i was 14 because the laptop i was using to read it was complete crap Just like mine is RN#like a section of my keyboard is completely dead T_T so i have to use the on-screen one...
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i think my brain should be studied i'm being fr
#surely this isn't normal#my dreams are like a portal to another life#sometimes i dream about the next day in advance#like with full details. and i often plan lessons in my sleep#sometimes i dream up entire stories with full fledged characters and backstories and intricate plot points etc#last night i dreamt up not just one but about ten such episodes#in the same night i also dreamt that i started taking T and had sex with a random girl and then had. a kinky adventure with dean winchester#(i love being ace about also this dream sex was pretty nice!)#i'm not gonna tell all the stories bc we would be here all day but#there were a Lot of different stories in my dream#full stories that all felt like they happened over the course of days or weeks or months or years in some cases#god i met so many different people in one night and they don't even exist#how i am expected to function properly when my head is so full of memories from lives i never lived but also kind of did#i feel like there's a hundred different universes in my memories and they're all from dreams but they all feel super real#like oh yeah remember that time i was part of a forest dwelling society that started gaining powers and we all thought they were#evil powers but it turns out the forest had given us the ability to communicate with it and to fly and to heal#or oh yeah i traveled the world once and then on my way back i had to cheat customs that wanted to charge me an exorbitant amount of money#for my luggage#by jumping down the luggage slide and travelling with the luggage#or oh yeah i was on T once and actually lost my T pills in a swamp but i dug around and ended up finding them#and i started to grow facial hair after like a week#like stoooop that's too many lives to live#every single night i go through another portal and live a whole ass life#rain.stuff#rain.dreams
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Actually concerning lately how many hostile comments I have seen about queer women in kpop circles on here and twitter that are kind of framed through the guise of statements you can't really argue with like 'idols are real people' and 'idols deserve privacy' but with a tone that just shows how much people hate queer women more than they care about idols being real people and their privacy. Like I will see people say things about female idols like 'Women attractor!!' And then when a queer woman actually says something about being attracted to them they'll log on like woah now idols are real people you shouldn't sexualize what if she sees that and gets uncomfortable by the possibility of a woman being attracted to her :( Or female idols will be on stage kissing each other on the mouth and if a queer woman says anything along the lines of how they're just like us people will be like woah now!! Don't speculate :( Idols are real people too :( And with the Karina dating rumor especially I don't even know anything about Karina but my Twitter feed this morning was full of recommended tweets with concerning amounts of likes (one had upwards of 100k) that were basically phrased like 'You disgusting women likers are delusional for thinking she ever would have dated you!! What predatory freaks some people like men and are just straight and you freaks are going to have to accept that'
#and some tweet too that i don't even know what sparked was someone tweeting that yunjin was straight and to get over it#and there were hundreds of replies like yeah most girls like dick get over it lesbo freaks#like i don't see how i haven't seen more people disturbed by the phrasing of these posts#i even saw girls like it's okay to joke about female idols being women attractors etc but at the end of the day it's a joke and all idols...#...are straight and queer women that identify with them or even are attracted to them are freaks#when i see so many posts every day i want to vomit of guy idols doing really routine shit like eating dinner or watching tv#with girls going on and on about how boyfriend coded that is that they're eating dinner#that's not annoying or delusional (and the amount they use delusional is concerning too i am just using it here to quote how they talk)#but you want to put your fist through a wall every time a woman says something like that about another woman#that says more about you hating queer women than it does caring about idols' privacy actually when it's only ever women talking about...#...women idols that i see people mad at and ~ uncomfortable~ with#and i just keep seeing it more and more lately. what makes me the maddest too is that people will post about liking women like it's a...#...safe space to do so but when it really comes down to it it's posts that are all i thought we were all joking about liking women#i saw so many girls that were livid saying some girls are straight that it was bonkers#it must be so hard to be someone logging on the internet every day going what about people that do conform :( what about us normal people :(
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Substance, Shadow, and Spirit [remixed, abridged] by Tao Yuanming
#liv in the replies#patrice bergeron#boston bruins#brad marchand#do you ever think about how brad marchand said that when bergy retired he would retire or are you capable of normal thought i'm not at all#please say a gratitude for both my sanity& y'all that this poem (which has been saved in my camera roll with the vague idea of using it for#??? long) & not one of the poems i had saved for carey for a really long time & remixed & everything with another poem until i found a poem#that absolutely murdered me in cold blood but there is an alternate universe where i did& then had to explain my unhinged thoughts to you.#anyway how are we feeling about bergy retirement. pspspspsp sara & luna are y'all doing okay like. the doc title for this one was#patrice the hockey player means a lot to me but patrice the person means so much more#which is why the end line of the other poem was so *%"@^)! (you love / what you are) because patrice does. like he is a whole ass good huma#& now since no one asked i need to tell you all the details about everything also y'all please clap i made an edit with NO baby pictures#although i did find one & save it & minimal genres of photo i always use in edits because they're my taste & aesthetic but anyway.#when i saved the first photo and marked it as one i wanted i accidentally wrote “how will he know they love him” which is not the line but#makes me feel feral about patrice & the rest of them all had hurtful names too but also. the third picture is literally a CELLY like brad#just scored a goal & he is clinging to bergy for dear life with that shit i saved that as “oh the agony on his face for unendurable”#& yes it is one of my cliches to have a draft day picture but in my defense the lifelong bond that patrice has/d with boston deserved to be#there even if i put in the love story & YES that picture is from the 2011 playoff right below it shared joy & pain & i couldn't tell you#when the brad marchy photo for together forever is except for the fact that i saw it & just the gut punch of oh my god the way he looks at#things men will praise you for is the stanley cup. duh. but i love the contrast of “some deed” being the stanley cup but then#bergy's choice to do noble deeds (ends up still earning praise &that's my note to his efforts outside of hockey we love a supportive captai#should also mention the first two i came up with & had the photos i knew i wanted for were the first and last one alskaldk but i KNEW i#wanted chara somewhere in the paragraph about leaving & then while i was looking found the one of bergy playing tuukka on accident & yes#i do have to make goalie jokes every time. no reprieve . no dice/no deal/no goal goalies have no rest/reprieve etc etc the one that killed#me though was looking for a patrice award pic & i wanted basically the one that i got for “how will you know any will praise you” & instead#also got the picture of patrice winning the some community hero award for charity work that he does & i love him mama & of COURSE that puck#is from bergy's 1000 game who do you think I am (if you guessed sleepy and emotional about patrice you'd be right) and ALSO please be ready#for all the patrice posts/bruins posts that have been sitting in my drafts to be released on this occasion of patrice retirement#I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT TUUKKA ALSO RETIRED THAT’S WHY HE WAS ON WISE OR SIMPLE NO REPRIEVE AND THAT LATE OR SOON WAS ALWAYS GOING TO BE#CHARA BECAUSE CHARA LEFT FIRST TO GO TO THE CAPS AND THEN LEFT IN RETIRMENT HE LEFT SOON BUT NOT FOR REAL THEN LATER LEFT FOR REAL (RETIRED)
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Oh god is my fnafhs phase coming back. I have an AU Idea and it's very magical girl-y help (a Lil summary in the tags)
#basically y'know lily abby maggie toddy and mai? all the best girls? (ok except Abby maybe but I'll save her dw)#ok now imagine them as teen magical girls#a normal 2000's/2010's bff group who also kick ass in pretty dresses#now imagine mai and puppet being magical beings from another planet#kinda like the winx club characters that look completely human but they're fairies n stuff? there's a reason why the twins can look like-#Normal humans tho: their true form is a being like Maipett. they're two maipetts#BUT they can shapeshift to look just like any living beings they see#so they can very easily blend in with humans#now what are these beings? basically they're magical dudes that control the “Shadows”. evil spirits that can destroy life in pretty much-#any abitated planet in irreversible ways#one day some shadows breached from the maipetts control and directed themselves to earth as it was the closest living planet#so mai and Charlie as the strongest most able shadowseekers (group of specialized Maipetts with the mission to bring back Shadows to-#security in case of breaching) got a mission to go to earth find the shadows and bring them back. even destroy them if necessary#now what's the group mentioned earlier have to do with all this?#after saving lily from a shadow attack her and mai become “friends” (keep in mind Mai doesn't really know what friends even are)#but with time they do become very close#and since the shadows are never way too far from each other meaning that other shadows might be hiding in the same town Mai wanted to keep-#Lily safe. so she gave her a tiny rock that contains Maipett powers (Mai likes to keep them on her belt for decoration) and showed her-#basic attacks to at least keep Lily safe in case she gets attacked by a shadow and Mai happens to not be there#after a while tho Abby (Lily's roommate and childhood friend) finds out about her friends' powers and she thinks it's soo cool and things#but Lily and Mai especially aren't so cool about it cus pretty much all the situation is supposed to be a secret#so they and abby make a promise: Abby gets a magical gem and of course some lessons how to use it's powers and she keeps the secret#Abby agrees and she joins the group (that remains unnamed until the others join)#Toddy and Maggi were found by Charlie in the meantime. Charlie saved them both from a shadow attack and so Mai decided to give them-#magical rocks aswell with the deal that Charlie was the one to teach them about their powers this time#Toddy decides to name the group “The Shadowseekers” to reference mai and Charlie's literal job#and yeah they go on adventures around the city™ and sorroundings beating shadow's ass and learning to use their powers and work together#while also keeping the secret#idk it came up to me like some minutes ago#fnafhs
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It’s always crazy to see black celebs spew this same rhetoric because it’s such a privileged take… like, they’ve been famous for so long and have gotten their money up, moved out of the projects or whatever tf, that they’ve forgotten what it’s like to be genuinely feel. It’s impossible for them to connect anymore. As far as the qrt, oh wow ☠️.
#it’s always the same shit with these negros bro#like even recently with lil Wayne and all of these idiots crying about the Super Bowl and how he didn’t get chosen to perform#and you got idiots like Nicki and others going on about ‘taking opportunities away from a young black man-‘ (the nigga is in his 40’s bro)#despite Kendrick being younger…. and as a black person why not just be happy for another instead of trying to use race and guilt trip peopl#into caring about you over another black person when it’s convenient for you#because i remember when this dude used to say that he doesn’t care about blm or politics and he’s getting money#and that it doesn’t affect him so why should he care? now you’re crying about opportunities being taken away from you as a black man#I’m getting off topic but it’s the same sentiments similar to what Pharrell’s coon ass is saying#he’s always been one actually#rambling#whenever someone goes on about being apolitical they’re already not worth listening to#especially since politics shapes our entire lives like do you not care about what will happen to you#and what’s happening to people across the seas and in other countries like what is the real reason why sm ppl chose to play apolitical#I don’t want anyone around me if I can’t talk about politics with them or know where they stand as far as politics go#at the end of the day who cares about what a celeb has to say on politics since#I always go back to that one section in Dave Chappell standup (I know this was before he became what he is today… he was so normal back#then holy shit🗿) where he was taking about how ppl are super private about their politics and also#him going on about how ‘who tf cares about what ja rule thinks’#😭…. that’s literally it!!!#but to an extent it’s relalr dangerous to see ppl with such gigantic platforms and notoriety spew shit like this as if it’s normal#it only helps tp further push anti intellectualism and so on#like how are you an adult and you don’t care about politics#that’s embarrassing
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miss the early days of my tma listen when i was conspiracy theorizing and genuinely freaking out about michael distortion appearances. michael went craazy he is SO scary to me
#was passionately talking about this the other day#michael is barely an avatar. obviously he is but the issue is that he didn't like.. fall into it like so many of the others#he wasn't predisposed to anything in particular he wasn't introduced to the fears thru falling into them#like. avatars are most often drawn towards their domain. one way or another. jon wanted to understand. martin was lonely. etc.#michael was completely unaware. wrong place wrong time. and i mean that checks for spiral but you get what i mean#one day he was normal human michael abroad with his boss and the next he was an avatar he was Barely acceptable and that. that is why#the spiral got him but it's also why he was nuclear levels of batshit insane on top of being spiral#even helen makes sense. Extremely Normal Person who got baited in by michael - she overpowered him bc she was still like#somewhat normal in the head just in terms of awareness of whats going on#michael wasn't. michael was out of his goddamn mind. past the whole spiral situation he was part avatar and part victim moreso than a#lot of other avatars and that's why he was Like That. PLUS he worked at the institute and had a serious hatred for it#and i mean think spiral=psychosis=paranoia and him stalking first sasha then jon#but. such a good fucking character to kind of lead in the situation. here is a spiral of the avatar that you have to handle while you're#putting all the pieces together. he is extremely confusing. this is not because he is also confused but it is a part of it#he is not mindless but he is out of his mind. more than helen. more than any other avatar because he was grafted into the picture#while most avatars fall into it. here is the beginning of the end. he worked at the institute just like you. he is insane. more insane#than a spiral avatar should be. he is Weird and Wrong and he toys with people because he is angry.#poor jon's trying to understand the bigger picture and the best piece that he has is literally like a shattered mirror of a man#that hates him so fucking much#and that's all he had to work with. for so long.#poor sasha. had to try to explain an encounter with the spiral of all things. an avatar of the spiral that barely understood himself.#u get what i mean.#also the fact that he is SO fucked up. in design and how he acts. he's SO scary. rabid angry thing.#something abt helen psychically overpowering michael bc hes a fluke vs jon straight up stabbing elias bc he's like an avatar supersoldier#*tangled in red string tripping over a corkboard* michael and jon are mirrors. yes the mirror is distorted. yes that is the entire point#thee michael distortion. distorted. grafted into the spiral when its ritual imploded. even weirder and wronger than an avatar of the#spiral should be because he wasn't supposed to be one at all. poor fit. and then the avatar-victim jon licherally stabbing elias#narrative foils. impossible ultra freak of nature n his rage. and a skin graft of every single fear. with a knife. and his rage
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It is only first month of 2024, and I've already lost not one but two subjects of nightmares, paranoia and reoccurring emotional torture. I really wish there was another way to get rid of these besides having extremely painful conversations.. but at least these scars are closing, one by one
#/vent#personal#and this time was like.. opposite of the previous one#previous one absolutely wrecked me with very ugly insight and basically made all puzzle pieces fall together#this one was just pain and crying and having my worst suspicions about other person AND self faced and confirmed#but again it got solved#I really want the power to move on without having a closure.#I hope I will be strong enough for it one day.#I just need to think..#I think I really should avoid other depressed/traumatised people until something can be done with how I react at perceived threats#(which is eternity because hell I know when I will be able to afford therapy. probably never with how my life situation is going)#as jarring as being close only with 'healthy' people would be I just can't make things worse for both me and them#until I can change my default response from aggression into avoidance I'll just stay away from anyone with depression#I say very terrible things when I feel threatened and it is way too easy to make me feel threatened. it is THE easiest thing in the world.#I won't survive without close friends anyhow but there is category of people that can't recover from these words normally#I mean I am ALSO this 'category'. I also hurt from awful words thrown at me for MONTHS don't I#it is very hard to be aware of my glaring flaws when everyone that points them out is outright malicious and wants me bullied off the Earth#and then everyone who does think I deserve my human rights either doesn't see my flaws or doesn't mention them#so at least discussing it without outright intention to harm me was helpful for a change#maybe one day I'll have a friend that can be open if I've hurt them a lot so I can work on it but that's another story I guess
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i love not knowing if i'll ever be healthy again i love all of the time i've used to move my body become nothing i love spending my adulthood wasting away year after year for various reasons baby!
#i know i'm being dramatic and privileged etc etc right now but i hate living like this#i probably had covid in the beginning of august and since then my heart and lungs have just been fucked#so now i'm probably looking at at least 2 years of long covid and maybe permanent neurological damage#could i be lucky and get better in few more months? maybe. do i believe that will happen? no. optimistically maybe next summer id be better#my symptoms are not that bad considering what i know other people have suffered but at the same time that makes it feel not real#otherwise i'm pretty much fine except i feel like fainting alot after standing up or excerting myself and anything beyond walking#spikes my hr to 160 and right now even laying down my hr is around 80. this comes with the associated shortness of breath etc#what fucks me up about this is that my normal hr is low with my rhr being under 50bpm and i'm physically active#so basically i've went from regular running and half marathons being no issue to not being able to jog 1km at the slowest pace possible#without spiking my hr to zone 4#so now with the recovery time of this being however long if properly ever i'll have to basically start all over again with everything#i biked to the grocery store yesterday and that took me out for the rest of the day because my heart rate just didn't go down afterwards#outwards i look fine and i wouldn't be as affected if sports and moving wasn't a part of my life and relationships but it is#i've read studies about recovery times and a lot of them don't feel applicable because the test groups are either very different from me#based on the baseline health info such as activity levels or they're elite atheletes which i am not#some have given me hope that keeping my hr under like 130 by doing activities like walking until maybe someday things get better works#but who knows and even if it does this will be yet another thing that takes the littlest bits of muscle tissue i have on me away once again#because besides deconditioning muscle loss is yet another symptom. so i will be even weaker than i am right now#i don't know how much of what i'm experiencing in terms of mental effects is from anxiety over my physical health and how much is brainfog#but we'll see i'll just have to start walking a lot every day and keep up with simple and slow strenght training so i'll want to die less#i don't think my family will ever properly understand because almost all of them are athletes and the one who isn't never does any excercis#so either i just look like i'm weak but i was always weak so it's not a big deal or my experience isn't really that important#this is so so so pathetic both my reaction and the issue but it's difficult to not feel this way especially with the uncertainty#shit talking
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coping with things so well today so i’m bragging about it ✨
#had a SMALL emotional reaction to something but then like breathed through it and was very normal#and then something that might’ve made me feel kinda alone and insecure a year or two ago#actually just made me feel happy which is a MUCH preferable reaction#and one that matches the reaction in my head#my emotions are not me#they tell me things but they’re only a piece of the puzzle and I can still decide how I process things beyond the immediate emotions#also did a bunch more organizing of my stuff for packing#and wrote things in my planner for the first few weeks of school#I already have several plans and events!!!!#and instead of pushing someone away I suggested some plans a few months away#bc that gives both of us kinda a sense of security in the friendship?#they’re worried about losing me with me going back to school#and I’m worried about losing them bc they have kinda a major obsession w/ someone else rn#(which is pretty cute when my brain isn’t being an insecure dick)#so this makes us both be like ‘even if things change we still have plans and our friendship will withstand those changes’#anyway gonna get ready to go walk up a big hill for fresh air#today has been a good day overall#OH AND ANOTHER FRIEND DROPPED BY OUT OF THE BLUE#AND GAVE ME A HAND SEWN EMBROIDERED CHARM FOR BACK-TO-SCHOOL!!!!#and a little card about how they’re proud of me and will be there for me on this journey!#god now I’m gonna cry#I have the most amazing friends in the whole freakin world#personal
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