#so it makes a Little sense if they go that way too. but thats like. idk I dont foresee that being visually interesting
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hey, i love your blog & your advice & wanted to seek some of my own if thats okay. i made a friend recently who i think is great - we've been through very similar mental health struggles and we're both autistic and i've had many a time where he's told me really compassionate and helpful things, and he's very accepting of my struggles & seeks me out to hajg out, which a lot of people don't do - but i just can't shake the feeling that he's subtley making fun of me or insulting me? he definitely has a sense of humour prone to teasing, which i am very sensitive to, and i've expressed this to him... but it's just like, these little things, like when he wanted me to come to something with him but i have plans, he'll say something like 'dissapointed you didn't come with me...' or 'well if you were COOL you would have come with me' and it makes me very upset? like i said i've brought it up to him multiple times, but it seems like it's just his sense of humour, but it's beginning to seriously weigh on me. he's said he wants to do better by me and asked me what the line is but i feel like i don't know, sometimes our running jokes about me being a bottom are funny and then they suddenly get too much, and it feels like i'm reacting to the lightest comment (like when he comments that i'm late to things a lot or asks me if im going to be late) sometimes, i don't know how to express what i'm actually getting upset at. do you think there's anything i can do to make this situation better? i really don't want to lose him as a friend, and i want to work on my sensitivity, i just don't know if this is something i can work through
This is tough, but you're doing the important work of communicating about it. I'm a lot like your friend sometimes -- I notice patterns in how people cancel or turn up late to things, and then will state directly that I've observed it, or make predictions based on that pattern, which hurts people's feelings even when I mean it in a completely neutral or even affectionate way. Sometimes when intimacy between me and another person builds, I want to show that closeness by kind of play-fighting with them or making little sarcastic jokes or remarks, which can be wonderfullll when the energy is met, but it can also misfire and really hurt people. I'm putting this out there so that you and any one else reading can feel free to ask about this perspective. For me, it's not intended to be cruel, it's intended to show that I know and accept someone as they are, and find their traits endearing, and I LOVE when people playfully rib me too. it may also be an outgrowth of PDA and attachment trauma -- a way I can feel safe with getting closer is by pretending to keep a distance.
That said, I also HATE when someone guilts me for not being available for something, not wanting to do something, or not showing up. Again, it's the PDA there. I would really really hate someone giving me shit for not going to an event with them, as your friend did, I find that stuff incredibly manipulative and unpleasant, and I personally would be very bothered by those remarks too. So I can understand, I think, both sides of things here!
My question for you would be how your friend responds when you tell him that his remarks have hurt your feelings. I think there is room for a middleground in such matters -- he should work on calibrating his barbed remarks, and you can remember the goodness of the friendship and temper your reactions to some things sometimes, but he HAS to view your concerns as legitimate and be willing to apologize first. Does he freak out and self-victimize or blow things out of proportion when you speak up? Has he stopped making any specific kinds of remarks because you asked? Have you asked? Are you comfortable telling him that something bothers you, even when you can't fully explain why?
I think that if this friendship is going to negotiate both your approaches, it will be done in the gray areas. Sometimes you'll feel triggered by a relatively benign remark, and that deserves talking about! Sometimes he'll say something in completely the wrong way, and he'll need to apologize, and that should be talked about too! It's never inappropriate for you to bring up your feelings, even if you can't give him perfect guidelines as to what he should say or not say. And he should have some leeway to express his care for you in his own way, to an extent, too -- this doesn't mean you should let him do things that hurt you, more that you should try to operate with the base assumption that anything he says comes from his position as your friend who cares about you. That's IF he has actually consistently shown he cares about you and your feelings. If he hasn't, that's another matter.
I hope that makes sense! tldr; keep talking about it. Keep sharing how you feel. Listen to him and watch his patterns of behavior, and if he shows consistently that he does care about your feelings, then you can let that trust help you to process and temper some of your hurt when he accidentally hits your insecurities sometimes.
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need u to know that while i've written various words about this in my google docs, i woke up the other morning needing a slight break but also wanting the same world, and so naturally my brain was like.
oh. daryl wakes up at the start of the end. again.
for the second time.
and his first thought is fuck no. we're not doing this again.
but then he actually takes stock of the situation, using all his senses and his insticts that have grown so sharp over the years, and realises, it's different this time.
this time; his throats fucked, forever hoarse, after that run he went on that turned out to be an ambush, and denise and hershel told him he was lucky he could still talk, that he was lucky he even survived, after how deep the wire cut.
he's still got the scar on his hand from the fight with the claimers, when they stumbled upon him in that house in the woods and had him at knifepoint, and he's sure if he was to check, he'd have the scar of his back from them, too.
his entire body aches, feeling every bit of his fifty four years, and then some, and, his hair's long, a complete mess falling in his eyes.
finally stretches his awareness to the rest of the tent and realises–he's not alone. that there's an entire body basically on top of him, weighing him down, except it's a breathing pattern he knows and a heartbeat he takes comfort in, something so familiar and so ingrained into his body and brain–his heart–that he doesn't even think to register it as danger.
looks down at his daughter asleep on his chest and curls his arms around her protectively, breathing her in.
as long as she's in his arms, she's safe. he'll die making sure thats certain.
focuses back on the tent–the shitty, measly, bullshit tent that he pitched all the way back at the start–and thinks, fuck.
anyway! just the idea of the first time daryl woke up in the apocalypse, it was after losing almost everything, after he had so little left; that when he woke up, he looked around and saw it for the second chance it was, and took it.
that he never, not once, tried to go back.
like, sure, there was the occasional thought, especially at the start, when he was missing judith and rj. dog. the few other pieces of his family that had survived alongside him, that he'd left behind. but when it came down to it, he never put any real effort into trying to find out why he was there or how to get back. never figured out why him and carol and maggie and a few others got to start again, with all their memories still intact.
they just took it for what it was and used every memory to their advantage. built every bit of their future with the knowledge they had, and created something.
and it was good.
not perfect, some smaller disasters getting lost in the chaos of the wars, but for the most part, it worked.
it was as close to perfect as they were ever gonna get.
they saved so many of their nearest and dearest, and their family lived.
not just survived–lived.
the second chance was everything they needed to thrive.
except now, he's here, in his stupid fucking tent–again–and he's lived a hundred different lifetimes, or at least two more than he ever thought he would, and his daughter–his daughter–is in his arms, and he needs to go back.
needs to go back to before.
he doesn't want a third chance.
they got it right the second time.
he doesn't want to build everything from scratch again, lay the foundations of their future brick by brick just so he can hopefully, eventually, maybe, one day, get his family back.
doesn't want to have to fight and claw and beg and wait for his future, doesn't know if he could live through it all again.
just wants to wrap his kid up tight and take her home, where their family is alive and happy and thriving, their community so fucking warm and full, everyone having a job to do and everyone having a place to call home.
thinks, not for the first time, time travel is fucking bullshit.
time travel fix it au's are done to death in this fandom but also they're my favourite thing in the world so au where the entire show happens as is and it's heartbreaking and inspiring etc but then. restart button. waking back up at the start of the end except only the people that lived remember
wanna think about what would happen when daryl and carol wake up at camp, remembering everything that happened; carol stronger, knowing in her gut that everything that she remembers is real, and daryl fucking terrified, because if everything in his head actually happened, then what the fuck is this
wanna think about a rick dragging a hostile merle and a wide-eyed glenn back to camp, memories completely intact, and running to reunite with his family. not letting daryl go and hugging carol so so so tight, collapsing to the ground with carl in his arms
wanna think about them dragging the atlanta group to the farm, maggie leaving the front porch light on for them, and everyone reuniting. rick seeing hershel again, daryl seeing beth, carol pulling sophia close, and maggie being unable to even breath, looking at glenn
wanna think about them tossing up whether to even go to the prison, but they met important people there, and alexandria's a long way, and if they're gonna survive this time–if they're gonna live–they're gonna do it right
so they go to the prison so they can figure out their next step, and michonne's there and waiting, andre on her hip, and they deal with the governor before the governor deals with them, and sasha and tyresse finally show up, they find the prisoners, and then one day they get a knock on the front gate, and it's negan
negan showing up, no baseball bat in hand but his leather jacket still in place, a sick but alive lucille by his side, laura and doctor franklin behind him, and all he's got to say is at the end of the world, i know which side i wanna be on
the fallout of that, of maggie being against it, of rick never having gotten to see negan at the end, not knowing the choices he made, the good and the bad. daryl and carol looking at glenn, seeing him alive and in love and having no memory of his last moments, and never wanting anything to ruin that, but negan saved judiths life, helped save all their lives. he chose, in the end, and now it's their turn
wanna think about a future where beth doesn't die, but they go on a rescue mission to get noah anyway. a future where tara turns up with her niece, led by eugene with abraham and rosita following right behind him
wanna think about how they'd handle terminus, how they'd handle the claimers. wanna think about them trying to find father gabriel, except gabe made it the first time around, and he wasn't wasting his second chance. he saved his flock, and he led them to alexandria, and he's waiting
wanna think of connie's group searching for hilltop. not finding maggie, or alden, but finding jesus. wanna think about lydia, being a fucking child, and watching her mother kill her dad, and remembering aaron telling her how loved she was
wanna think of the growing pains of them being able to save so many more family members this time, but god, a larger group is harder to keep alive
daryl trying to run interference with merle and everyone else, getting the jack of it one day and telling him he's already mourned him once, and he won't again. if merle wants to stay–to live–then it's up to him. daryl's not gonna babysit him anymore
rick trying to find his footing between lori and shane and judith, with carl, with michonne and andre. michonne looking at a weak but alive lori grimes holding a screaming and crying newborn in her arms, and knowing that she's never gonna be her daughter the way she was before, but knowing she'll always be something to her
carol struggling to be the mother sophia needs her to be, emotions too sharp and constantly fucking terrified. doesn't know how to hold onto someone like that anymore, either gripping too tight or not at all
maggie trying to exist in a world where she has everyone she's ever loved back, so close and so fucking dear, except it cost her her son. not knowing if she'll ever get him back at all. doesn't know how to live with the grief of losing someone she never technically had in this world
they make it to alexandria and it's aaron opening the gate for them, waiting to welcome them home
#this is all a lie btw because getting into the plot that i've thought of would mean expanding the plot of my original post#and everything that happens there; and well. i'm not doing that#but i just think that the idea of daryl waking up at the start of the end the first time#back in his original body; short haired and young and so fucking Weak; with so much fucking grief from what he's lived through#only to like. Fix Things. be Prepared for the wars to come–the troubles they face–and be able to fight back#and like. build a life. a life he fights for every day because its so fucking dear to him.#he has kids! he has family! he saved merle! saved beth! hershels thriving! him and aaron went out and searched for lydia#to bring her home! ricks alive! him and michonne raising their four kids! glenns helping maggie run hilltop!#everythings what it should be!!!! they finally built the future they always dreamed they could have!!!!#hes found Peace.#only to wake up#AGAIN; the start of the end#but like. this time. hes not young and hes not weak but dear GOD has he forgotten how deep the grief used to run#he's got all his scars hes got all his pain. but jesus christ.#he knows love. he knows how much he has to lose this time. he knows he has something to fight to get back to.#okay there's so much more plot but like. then i'd have to explain things. and im too lazy for that.#just know. it's there.#anyway tldr my mind was like. daryl wakes up at the start in his s1 body with nothing but grief only to fix (mostly) everything#only to wake up AGAIN but this time. in s11 body. still got grief but also got back aches and 20+ years worth of apocolyptic nightmares#but still. so much hope.#feel like 80% of this revolves around daryl and his kids/partner so i cant dig deep but. just know. its FUN for me.#ALSO i think itd be fun for shane and everyone to meet s11 daryl. like. Imagine.
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is this a safe space to admit i really don't even like the lines in lucanis' first romance scene where he says something like "perfectly gathered clouds of doom" . but that does not stop me from loving him very much. i'm choosing to see this as a guy who is the terrible combo of reads romance novels, has never had a romantic relationship before AND his definition of 'good flirt' is synonymous with 'illario' so he's got an incorrect definition of what's actually romantic. the less lucanis is specifically trying to be romantic the more he becomes irresistible but i don't think he's caught onto that yet
#like . LIKE. it makes sense to me that this is him trying extremely hard to make his attraction known before he overthinks it and leaves#as always i find a way to sneak illario into this conversation but the point stands#like the romance line is not corny if theres a reason that he's being so wildly corny. i have to believe this#i am also saying irresistible > romantic because he has some crazy lines in the romance#thats not romantic. but its genuinely like oh god here comes the yearner he's going to yearn all over the place#the discussion after the first part of act 3 for example.#'i thought i was never going to see you again' 'you're here. you're really here. i swear'#<- that is not lucanis flirting. that is lucanis being so unbelievably earnest with those stupid brown eyes that it just gets you#and the 'i've got you don't i?' 'you do' in act 3 too#<- and i dont even think this one is romance specific#theres a point to this .i just dont think he's naturally romantic#buuut. some of the more 'innocuous' lines that are part of his romance that are not overt flirting have such incredible acting/animation#which allows me to expand the mind palace. and he digs himself a little deeper into my heart#lucanis dellamorte#veilguard spoilers#dav#txt#'ur walking a bit too close to the edge 😈' and tyche's first thought in her mind is VIRGIN? but she likes him for him so its fine
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it just idea .......
#not art (yet) babeyy#had the thought of '' ogh hyperfem barbarian!fig'' the other day and. well thats another design set#and adaine's our Hoodie Kid™ this time#but the specifics of these silhouettes are kinda tricky#esp. with adaine and like. how to differentiate her and gorgug (who still wears a hoodie the normal way in freshman year)#still straight up have No idea what fabian and kristen look like yet...#they and riz are like the self-seekers coming into this freshman year and riz true to form looks like Nothing. just Absolute Squat#so it makes a Little sense if they go that way too. but thats like. idk I dont foresee that being visually interesting#no actually I dont think I can make kristen look like just some guy if I actively try. so we'll see about her#just thinking a little bit abt adaine showing up at school with a bag full of clothes she can change into so shes not wearing#the damn hudol uniform the whole day. but no second pair of shoes so she's wearing That with the mary janes#fig offers to switch shoes with her every day at school until adaine ends angwyn's life#(still gotta actually put it down on paper but I dont think fig stays hyperfem the whole way thru I think kristen is her awakening to#more aesthetics. which is funny bc I think kristen is the most Character character of them all. shes like naruto shes got a closet#of just the same pieces)#(this is a liittle bit informed by my exmo friend's stories. but also its an adhd thing sometimes. from experience)
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What do you think Odile does for a living? She feels teacher like to me. What do you think she would do post canon?
HMMMM THIS IS GOOD QUESTION…
ive seen a lot of people hc her as a teacher / professor so i!! think that suits her pretty well. specifically as someone who studies + specializes in different types of craft (that would be why shes so proficient in multiple craft spells. also how she was able to figure out the loops stuff, AND to find something that could prevent siffrin from looping back).
post canon i am not sure… i am always torn between how the party would handle things post canon. obviously they would keep travelling for a bit, odile alongside her family without the stress of. constant sadness encounters + a king to kill lol. i think maybe she would get to take her time, reeaally get to know vauguardian culture when not within. a crisis. as was her original intention.
eventually. EVENTUALLY. when the family settles down somewhere (i am a “they all get a big house together” believer lol) she would get back into craft stuff. maybe go back into teaching too—surely people would be eager to hire a saviour. especially though i think it would be neat of her to try looking into wish craft etc, as a long forgotten form of craft. to satisfy her own curiosity, for siffrins sake, or just as a way of preserving the countries culture in whatever ways possible.
#asks#ive never gotten to talk about this before#and its a little unrelated to the odile thoughts so im putting it in the tags#but. surely surely. there must be some group out there dedicated to looking into this. suddenly lost island#no one remembers the country ofc. i bet its hard to even think about. probably difficult to dedicate an entire project to#but you also have to imagine. the day the island disappeared. the effect without anyone realizing why#people from the island. vacationers or visiting family etc. going through some sudden spell of amnesia all at once#and their loved ones + family being equally confused#also the fact that? given bambouches (probable) proximity to the island. that many of these cases wouldve popped up there#what did people think was going on. at the time. did they assume it was a disease?? a curse?#and then forget about the entire ordeal a week later#anyway point is. someone mustve found that suspicious. theres gotta be at least one person#which to me means i find it very likely there could be research gone into it. esp esp since the party members knew about. Some island that#isnt there#anyway anyways im rambling way too much#i think odile should look into wish craft. i think siffrin would appreciate it#if not because. it was a piece of him that was Important#but also to impart the actual Dangers of it to. others#am i making sense i dont know#isat spoilers#anyways oops thats not about odile anymore#lol
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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With all the Missing Numbers Doodles popping up today, I finally found it in me to actually doodle and not care about how it looked. Anyways—
Here is Aster’s Halloween Costume! I didn’t color it, but Aster is Little Red Riding Hood and Del is the Werewolf. He’s not trick-or-treating, by the way—he’s just handing out king-sized chocolate bars to everyone he passes while walking around!
It’s not much- Just a goofy little thing to celebrate the holiday. Happy Halloween, everyone!
(Psst-! Hey, @100nebulas ! Starry! I know it’s not a lot, but I promised! Here’s your small dose of Aster content :])
#Yippee!! I did a thing!#FINALLY-#A part of me is wondering if I should ramble about the Sanctuary AU a little bit…#Screw it why not?-#SO-! In Sanctuary all of the major holidays exist and are celebrated (Ex: Thanksgiving Christmas Fourth of July Halloween etc etc)#However because my AU is essentially set up to be one massive town/city/community#EVERYBODY celebrates things together in the form of what I can only call gigantic festivals#The denizens of Sanctuary (Yes the town is called Sanctuary too- I’m not good at naming things but it was what I wanted the place to be)#go ALLLL out on holidays- especially Christmas where they decorate the city centre like something straight out of a Disney Christmas film#Other holidays don’t slack though- There are games and vendor stalls and fresh food being made and just all around a community-#coming together to make something special and beautiful. Friends. Found Family. Coworkers. Neighbors. Everybody cares about everybody—#The people who live in Sanctuary didn’t always have the best lives#So most go out of their way to ensure that the newcomers really feel that sense of hope and belonging that Sanctuary was built to provide.#Hence why Aster doesn’t do tricks on Halloween—he just goes around giving out the best candy he can find to everyone he sees!#Even on spooky holidays everyone deserves to smile—that’s what he thinks. He especially likes to give out candy to people he’s never seen-#before (which is rare mind you-) so that he can make sure that they know someone cares about them.#Thats all for now though- maybe I’ll write more another time haha#Hopefully my rambling isn’t too nonsensical-
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scare the hoes more and keep yapping about ekky (& others) getting used to maffhew, it delights me. and say even more about how sasha handles this feral and sweet omega that gets dropped into his orbit. smth smth “feels like i’ve known him 10 years” or whatever vows sasha recited to the press, cameras, and god
apparently we are taking more tumblr user ratatatastic abo yap thoughts for 500 may god hear our screams up wherever he is. big man in the sky you fuckin owe me one.
i think theres so much in particular to say in concerns of 1619 and how quickly they gelled irl but even more so in an abo au
ive always enjoyed when people assign matthew stronger scents that take getting used to if you don't like it already and i know ive read a fic where his scent notes did skew towards stronger cinnamon foods/drinks
anyways on that note it wouldnt surprise me that sasha takes so easy to this spicy little omega.
Like of course he does, he smells like the pastries he used to eat back at home, the pastries he eats now because he's found an established Finnish bakery down here that makes them homemade every morning, the bakery he likes to frequent with the other Finns when he can.
Is it ever a wonder that the cute omega that sent him such a terribly sweet text when the trade news broke out (you know, after the initial excitement worn off because Sasha does chuckle at memory of the brash "Fucking, right!" that pinged on his phone the very first time from an unknown number) smells like... home... No matter all the rumours that have swirled around Matthew, the rumours Sasha has personally experienced himself playing against him...he smells nostalgic. Like Sasha could be at home right now—you know, home home—lounging outside his cottage with tea and pastries on the little table that he's set out. The warm cinnamon that wafts from the typically sterile room they've assigned for pressers smells divine, for lack of a better word. It smells indulgent. Because Sasha can't have those homely pastries all the time, what, with his training regiment.
It's why he doesn't quite believe it that Matthew's the one that's the centre of it all. He's absolutely convinced he's hallucinating because the season is about to start and he's had to cut back on all his favourite sweets as much as it pains him to but for the betterment of the team? He'd do anything. And yet despite the way he rubs at his nose to at least try to clear it, he smells that cinnamon. That cinnamon that's definitely coming from new omega they traded over who's laughing so obnoxiously at the lectern they have set up that if his scent didn't catch your attention, his loud mannerisms certainly did. His voice is practically bouncing off the walls in big loud echoes that should hurt Sasha’s ears. Emphasis on should. As it is he finds his heart melting more than it should instead.
It's been quite a long time since someone's scent has moved him this much. All the people that have, have been in his life for so long he's forgotten what it's like to feel instant scent compatibility. His nostrils are flaring and he's trying his best not to open his mouth to huff in big gulps of it because it's rather impolite to be so obviously scenting the new guy. It could be misconstrued as Sasha taking offence to the new presence in the room.
Some part of his brain is still trying to catch up to the idea that Matthew even smells at all because the first time he met him (down here for some joint offseason ice-time) he didn't particularly smell like much, if at all really. Whether it's because he put on blockers to not intrude on pack territory until he smelled more like them, or he was still on suppressants even in the summer, Sasha wasn't sure and he definitely wasn't going to ask about it.
Known him for 10 years? He feels like he's known him his whole life. But 10's a safe number, 10's a number that won't scare off this new omega, right? 10's a number that conveys "As Captain I want this to work out, I'm opening up my pack for you, I won't shun you, you're welcome here," and not "If I stick my nose in your neck right now to scent you, they're gonna have to forcibly evict me from the new home I've found in you, and it's not gonna be a pretty outcome."
It's also why he's a little nervous when Media Day is over because despite how much it dragged along in years past it practically blitzed by and now Sasha has to—
You know, properly scent the new addition. Give them the purring acceptance of their Pack leader's scent to carry with them. And it's nothing big, it's just some chaste wrist rubbing... something subtle and not too overwhelming for everyone: the pack, and the newcomer alike. It's not like Sasha is going to mouth at Matthew's neck glands. He doesn't think he can even handle that right now but that's a problem for future Sasha—for when Matthew is really part of the pack and not like a goldfish in a plastic bag being dunked into an aquarium to get used to the water temperature. He just has to rub his wrist against his, it's like basic Alpha etiquette. It'll be fine, mostly. He hopes.
And it's as anticlimactic as he thought it'd be: gentle reintroductions and reignited chatter of excitement about the new season that's about to start... maybe just with the new lingering scent of sweet and spice in the background as if someone lit up a candle without Sasha even noticing it. It's a struggle to keep his eyes from closing from how heavy they feel, from how relaxed he feels in the presence of this new omega he knows has pissed him off on several occasions as composed as he was about it.
Matthew presents his wrist in a flourish successfully managing to divert his attention back to what they're supposed to be doing all alone like this in the dressing room like this, "I'm sure you've been dying to do this huh, Cap?"
Sweat starts to break out at the back of his neck. He knows? Sasha doesn't think he's been sending off any signals that could've hinted otherwise but Sasha admits that he's well out of practise, he hasn't had to reign in his scent this much in such a long time, and maybe Matthew picked up his weird fixation—
Matthew waggles his eyebrows for extra effect an offbeat later when the joke doesn't seem to land the way he wanted it to.
Oh, thank Christ, he's just teasing him. It's a joke. He doesn't actually mean it in the way Sasha thought he meant.
"Yes. Yes, I have," Sasha chuckles in relief, shaking his head at Matthew's attempt to lighten the mood.
"10 years, or so I've heard, bud."
"You heard? Uh, listened to the..." he trails off.
"Kinda hard not to when the setup made it sound like you were in the middle of the Earth, my guy. I don't think my ears are ever gonna recover from that."
"It's the first day for everyone," Sasha lightly chastises, not particularly aggrieved at all but wanting to keep up the banter to stall for time, so he can prepare himself. Quite honestly he feels like travelled back in time to the young anxious Alpha he was breaking out into the league for the first time.
"Be gentle, I bruise easily."
"Right, gentle. I'll treat you better than my clothes on the delicate cycle."
"Is that supposed to be a line?" Matthew says in glee, his voice pitching into incredulity.
"Line like fishing?"
"Oh, come on! You know what I'm talking about! You've been in this country long enough to pick up on that!"
"Yes, yes, that."
Matthew shoves at his shoulder playfully. "Just go on and do the thing already."
"Doing the thing."
Matthew snorts but his wrist is limp in Sasha’s hold. And as much as it was a dumb joke he does feel delicate between his fingers like that. So delicate that when he rubs his own wrist against his—to transfer over their pack scent—he feels like he's going to break it if he holds onto it for too long. It's why he drops it as quick as he took it, hands scrambling to his sides in an effort to remain polite but also to get a handle on himself so his pheromones don't go haywire with the new stimulus. It's a bit of a losing battle because he knows his scent just. But he can play it off as the excitement of an Alpha being able to claim another member to his pack, it's a possessive kind of thing.
"Well, see you around! Call it a hunch but I have a feeling we'll be seeing more of each other." And the joke wasn't funny the first time, truly the equivalent of leaning on the office fax machine and going "You come here often?" to your coworkers who just want to get their work done—and just as sleazy too with the greasy grin Matthew has permanently stuck to his face but Sasha still laughs like he did the first time he heard it.
And it's only now that Matthew is gone that Sasha realises the room smells strongly of cinnamon, so potent that anyone with a working nose would be able to tell that. Like Matthew was doing his best to ease Sasha’s obvious nerves when Sasha should've been the one to calm the omega who's been uprooted from their own pack and thrown into a completely new environment, himself.
"Jesus, it reeks in here. Smells like cinnamon," Aaron wrinkles his nose, wandering back in after his own media duties were done, finding Sasha all alone in the locker rooms.
"It does?" Like he can't tell the room smells like the equivalent of someone knocking over a Yankee Candle into an open fire.
"Yeah, like an awful lot." Aaron scrunching up his nose, trying to fight off an incoming sneeze. "It's strong," he says without thinking, swallows before his eyes shift over to Sasha and then to the floor, "Not bad just... strong..." The I can get used to it is left unspoken between them.
"I like it," Sasha admits because if Aaron is confessing to things without thinking then he might as well too. They've known each other long enough.
"I can tell." Aaron snorts, "You reek too."
Sasha lets out a questioning little noise, tilts his head to the side as he silently urges Aaron to continue.
"You have no idea what cinnamon and cardamom smell like together, do you? I feel like I walked into a bakery when I should be at the gym right now."
"Is that bad?"
"For you? No, of course not," Aaron's eyes soften, and while his scent wasn't anywhere close to abrasive, it does lighten up just a tad bit in the presence of his pack Alpha. "For me? I'd rather dunk my head in a bucket of coffee beans." A bit of an exaggeration on Aaron's part but the wry grin he has on really adds to the fact he's just joking—just a little, maybe there's some truth hidden in there. He knows how Aaron is, the way he tries to downplay anytime he bristles about something. Peace and vibes, and all that.
So Sasha can joke as well, "Forsy's stall is over there," and motions his head towards it across the room.
"Oh, hilarious."
"If I was funny I would say jock."
"You know, what? I think I will hit the gym today, thanks for reminding me."
"Mmm, anytime." And when Aaron's half out the door he adds, "Ask the staff where they put the jerseys we used today!"
"I'm going! To the gym!" he echoes back, not bothering to turn around as he shuffles down the hall in a hurry, and decidedly not going in the direction of the gym. It's not surprising when he hears chatter pick up and shoes scuffing briskly into the direction of the laundry rooms.
#ask#instead of actually writing the things i wanted to get done i did this instead thanks guys#not to “controversially new hot younger girlfriend” maffhew but im gonna#timeline here doesnt make sense like quote wise so like you know#chat... matthew was not joking when he said well be seeing more of each other#he was fully intending to sit on that knot the first time he saw sasha#sasha is just dumb#god can you just imagine the ways in which maffhew would drive this nice polite alpha absolutely insane#can you imagine the way sasha accidently brushes his hand across the back of his neck because hes trying to wrap an arm around his shoulder#in camaraderie and sasha is so apologetic about it because dynamic classes in finland are intense and hes so remorseful about it#and then in the midst of all that maffhew just turns into this little purr machine and sasha is like oh i think i touched a button i should#not have touched at all oh god oh fuck#and maffhews like mmm? whyd you stop#pan to sasha silently freaking out#not to say sasha doesnt enjoy scruffing his omegas because they love it but he hasnt met one who enjoys it as much as maffhew does#and it kinda fucks him up#also speaking to ekky getting used to maffhews scent like oh boy i can see sooooo many ways that can go down like maffhew is respectful#of ekkys boundaries but also at some point ekky has had enough time to mope and for lack of a better word he does need to grow up#which is why maffhew starts off subtly you know standing on the dman side of the lockers for a few minutes. chatting up the guys over there#before ekky walks in you know leave a ghost of his scent around. its not strong and its not offensive but it certainly is there#eventually he just full on starts chucking his dirty socks at ekky after games#going oops sorry missed the bin didnt mean to snipe you (he absolutely did. he gets extra points if he hits ekkys face!)#sometimes a stray jersey too. if he really wants to make ekky mad he will just slingshot his biohazard-in-training-jock over.#i also think when ekky gets the yips when he starts pacing a little harder than usual when his chuckles turn a little too nervous#maffhew has enough and just like a worried hen of a men just manhandles ekky around in his arms and shoves at him till he puts his nose#in his neck and ekkys arguing the whole time like this isnt necessary im fine-#and matthews like right im sure thats why your teeth are chattering worse than a fucking woodchipper eh?#ekky cant really reply to that and maffhew tells him to just shut up and start sniffing#and it does help and he hates that he admits maffhew was right that he just needed to be clucked over by another omega#opening yapdoras box the lot of you. utterly awful. I HAVE THINGS TO DOOOOOOOOOOOO
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pussy so androgynous it causes a major fandom schism approximately 194 times a month
#yes this is abt gerard way i cant get the discourse out of my head i need to let the evil spirits out and the only way is by making a post#like i firmly believe its okay to like. well. femcr it up from time to time... or like..#use she/her affectionately bc well theyre my pretty little princess their gender has nothing to do w that#and that like. theyre not cis. that much is obvious. but like. it crosses certain boundaries to assert so aggressively that just bc#theyre not cis that the end goal is that theyre a Woman. like... yeah you can say theyre trans in the sense of it being the opposite of cis#which is the case. thats correct. but saying theyre a WomanTM just bc theyre not a ManTM is well.. troublesome. its erasure#and erasure of something so lovely as whatever it is they have going on like isnt it enough that theyre living their truth?#the need to categorize everything in a neat little box is something you need to unpack and realize that its harmful. its a forced dichotomy#and like as i said already its all fine to like go all 'omg gerard pick up the phone' or like 'oughh my beautiful wife' or 'miss gerard 🐀'#however it gets dangerous if you spend too much time in that bubble and forget the reality of things.#for that purpose i made that 'her pronouns are he/they'. to ground myself innit#ANYWAYS. if you read the tags im sorry but yeah...... letting the evil spirits out#piksla.txt
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not an astarion defender in the traditional sense, but in the sense that the whims he gets approval from are funny. i would also approve of someone throwing shit at people who asked them to smear their face with said shit
#it's funny to be a menace in a video game and im not going to pretend its not#killing a clown IS funny#his 'whim approvals' are so funny#leevi liveblogs#on another note ive seen people be like ''astarions traumatized so he acts like that :(' or 'despite all that he could still be an asshole#both true but i feel like both are reductive#when it comes to his more cruel approval it's clear he acts the way he does due to his past. (i know thats like a duh no shit we all do tha#) but i mean like. if you look at all the trauma he's gone through and think about how it has affected him as a person#it makes sense for him to be selfish and maybe even cruel#and there are reasons he acts the way he does. but it doesn't mean he's done nothing wrong ever. it means he's an asshole who has reasons#to act like an asshole.#no ones past is an excuse for the way they're acting. yes it's a reason. but just because you went through unimaginable horrors doesnt mean#that everyone should ignore how you act toward others. he can still be held accountable while understanding where he's coming from#but i also don't like people ignoring his past experiences and seeing him as just a selfish asshole who is and has always been#and will always be an asshole just for funsies#does that make sense#also sometimes people read too much into what was meant as a funny little option#like. you know how some games have a serious main story and the most batshit silly side quests and no ones holding the side quests as the#absolute truth of it all#does anyone know what im talking about#idk talking in the tags with the character limit is a pain in the ass i have a lot more to say
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cyberpsychosis could maybe be so cool if it was people being possessed by some sort of rouge ai,or as part of a corporate conspiracy. like as a planned obsolescence thing where certain parts during production are programmed to make people Do That after a certain point so you have to buy the next new 20,000eddies cannon arms to replace the nearly identical previous model or else you might kill everyone you love and die because your cyberwares "outdated". or untraceable viruses infecting competing corporations cyberware using their rival's customer's livelihoods to sabotage their profits. and maybe any one of those things works in such a way that its designed to detect atypical brain chemistry in a host,and thus triggers more frequently with them to tage advantage of and use those people as a scapegoat and a way to further fear monger against them,and you can uncover that this is the case. or something along those lines. and the more cyberware someone has the more likely it is that they could encounter any of these scenarios. but no it is just #crazy people being too #crazy.
#they kinda toyed w something like that in earlier drafts. with dollchips and the project ghost thing thats too much to explain in tumbletags#but yeah#honestly w how little its present in the final game beyond Go Herd Them Up And Beat The Shit Out Of Them So They Can Recover In Therapy#Offscreen In An Optional Sidequest With Literally No Conclusion they couldve easily just retconned its existence in the world entirely#especially since really the only reason why it exists in the lore in the first place is so the humanity system in the ttrpg keeps your#character from becoming too overpowered from too much cyberware. like thats it.#but for how much they dont wanna flesh out any other conspiratorial type stuff for the sake of ''It is a Mystery👻''#and how much they went with ''idk where cyberpsychosis comes from we dont know if its even real'' ingame#edgerunners and mike pondsmith himself sure have a lot to say about it and exactly how it works#we cant even leave that up for interpretation for players to find some way into coping themselves into believing its not as weirdly ableist#as it is#and we cant do anything else with it that would actually be cool. or make sense. in universe and just logically.#however. im a dumbfuck and am not beyond thinking about how like. in a hypothetical scenario where melissa welles is still around#And jackies bled out corpse is still used for the arasaka supersoldier program and is going around killing people.i cant not think about ho#mama welles would have to handle both of her kids dying and also going on rampages out of (mostly) anyones control. like think about that.#heart wrenching and whatnot. could you fucking imagine with everything else shes been through.#anyway sorry for talking about things that very literally probably less than a dozen ppl know/care about its just. interesting.#i froth over the potential that it had#that im tricking myself into believing that it had
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hmm... let's talk s.oulc.alibur characters
#okay so. i have a lot of fankids! i need to talk about them more-#the one thats most developed is rowan! rowan is 19 when he appears for the first time in f.f13-2#that also means that his mom is in her late 40s but- f.f13 s/i is a story for another time. she's a pretty wild character#anyways he has silver hair like his dad (he often makes jokes about how he doesn't have a dad �� he was born after he died) and freckles#and a sword and he's really funny and also may or may not have a gay ass crush on n.oel#anyways i've also been playing s.oulc.al since i was a very little ash#and so. the best way to get to know someone is to ask them who they play-#rowan is a dedicated t.aki main#and he's forever upset that she's kinda mid in 6 💀💀#another fankid of note is a.qua's kiddo! her name is violet!#because... you know.. ash's color pallette is red... a.qua's is blue... They're a red/blue couple... so their kiddo.... is named... violet-#anyways violet mains a.my :)#i could see them playing s.etsuka on the side as well#ash rambles 💚#anyways yeah 👍 i really love this series#oh also- i was taking a break from k.ingdom h.earts to play some rounds and then spaced out a little to scroll around on this hellsite#and then i looked up and saw m.axi's stupid smirk on the victory screen- i wasn't ready 😳 hello to you too-#anyways now that i've repaired my sense of self worth by beating up cpus#i shall go back to k.h3-
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#today has been a day. as in time did pass. the earth rotated. and i accomplished very little#bc im just feeling paralyzed and not so good. and i guess thats understandable#like i understand y its happening but its not any less frustrating. mostly its just knowing that i have to make life altering decisions in#the next few weeks. and the pressure of: if i dont decide to go for this one project then they dont get a student and they dont get funding#that makes me pretty nauseous. and knowing i have an interview Thursday that im not ready for and i dont really wanna do#and its a product of not talking to people like a human being. like i just dont interact with people much. when im in the lab i mostly#stand around looking unapproachable or go in when i kno there's no one there and i just dont have close friends so i dont really talk to or#text anyone. i just work and fail to get things done. so then when im in a situation where i have to talk to ppl its all anxious shrapnel#or me dominating the conversation bc i cant stand the pauses and i have so much obsessivly rotatinf in my head. and i hate it. im so sick#of hearinf my own voice but no one talk in the way i want them to. i get so bored. and i want to ask pressing and uncomfortable things but#i kno i shouldnt. but i also dont really have a filter so ill just say fucking whatever. which is what i did Saturday when a triggering#topic of conversation arose. so now my lab mate officially knows too much. but whatever wtf is he gonna do abt it. i just get so annoyed#bc now its in my head. thr fact it set me off and that i overshared and that now its in my head. annoying.#and it doesn't help with the writing things i need to finish. bc i dont like feeling like ive done something wrong and one of the reviewers#has good points. which also probably means ill have to redo my 8 days of measurements so far#but i also might b able to shorten the timeline so idk. just a lot is happening rn and i feel the pressure and by brain doesn't like#pressure. and not doing things rn is not good. things need to be done#so idk i dont feel good but it makes sense. by the end of February hopefully things will b figured out#and i should sleep and hope for a better tomorrow#unrelated
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I'm not trying to be an asshole but I think the funniest thing about fandom discourse is that the same kinda people who will tell you to kys for "liking incest" all because you ship two characters with the same mentor are the SAME PEOPLE that will bend over backwards to defend the most uninspired, bland, and toxic ass ship you've ever seen just because it's canon and het.
#save gotham MY way#you beat the shit out of me to get back at bruce#no. I beat you down so you'd realize robin meant *pain*#and would quit#i- oh...#i have your back. i know no one else in this fucking 'family' does but- but i do#well. cass does too but-#yeah. yeah ive got yours too.#yes this is me being salty but. fucking listen. cassandra cain was not adopted by bruce untol she was something like 19 fucking years old.#she came into that family absolutely READY to really Be part of the family#because outside of bab's mentorship/mothering role she'd never HAD one before.#so she immediately took to dick as her older brkther and tim as her little brother; despite the fact that neither of them jad trusted her#at ALL when she'd first showed up. but you know what the fuck else is Just as likely? This grown ass woman seeing them#as her brothers in arms rather than her Brothers.#and that makes sense. right? a 20 y/o woman going jnto the marines doesnt suddenly view all of her basic training peers the same way as she#sees the two annoying kid brothers she left back home. and instead these guys are now her brothers in arms. the people who are going to#watch her back while she watches theirs.#so if thats easy to comprehend then why is it so hard for people to understand that jason and tim (at least in fucking preboot) Do Not See#Each Other As Brothers. hell! preboot jason is a straight up villain! and one that both hates what tim represents as robin but also#has a high level of respect for tims capability as a hero! preboot jason considered/worked with exactly Two People in his entire 6 years#and they were Scarlet and Tim.#he had trust issues put the fucking door and Didnt Like People and he *still* put her cards out there during bftc to ask tim to work#with him. and sure. bftc fucking sucks. cass should have been batman and just reverted him to urban legend status within the media. however#all of the character interactions (at least the ones where theyre helping each other) are Actually Pretty Well Done. this arc Does actually#help tim and dami reconcile a bit. dick finally steps into the shoes left for him. jason shows that -while off his fucking rocker'his goal#of hasnt changed- DESPITE the fact that hes an entire and highky influencial crime lord!#that emotional journey from to#it just has the potential to be so fucking GOOD and theres nothing wrong with seeing this possibility and runnjng with the ship you think#would come out kf that kinda arc. i mean. hell its Gorgeous.#then meanwhile youve got yja meg brain-nonconning connor while evryone excuses it and antis bend over BACKWARDS to defend it.
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my parents really are never going to change. theyre a team and im on my own. in the most literal sense
#i see it every time i express how i feel about something and they dont incorporate that in their beliefs for next time#and use it as something to help us navigate our interactions better#its alwaysssss right back to square one. same exact repetitive auto responses and nonchalant attitude toward my feelings#i try to reach some understanding but man its fucking impossible when the other person doesnt hear u at all#everything is so miserable#i dont have it in me to try and make somethinh out of myself because theyve completely destroyed any self image i have#but i also need to make something of myself so i can afford to get the Fuck out of here and cut off any contact#for the rest of my life#i feel trapped in the most hopeless way possible#today my father told me im going to die alone and unloved and no one will ever care about me#just because i told him to be mindful of the things he says rven indirectly#because ive gotten mad over it before so to avoid any future situations again#its best to avoid expressing the thought he expressed#for a guy who hasnt asked me a single personal question he really said all that like he knew me even a little bit#with so much demonic confidence#never wouldve thought id hear those words from a family member but it seems like he festered them for a while#and my mom stayed silent the entire time scrolling on her phone#clearly im not wanted around here and if i were petty id think 'ill distance myself to teach them a lesson'#but i know theyd prefer that#whenever i do isolate its only for my own sake. which is funny because when that happens they STILL blame me for isolating#nothing good ever comes from trying to insert some common sense into them#im always the demon child i ask for too much im ungrateful i should tolerate their mistreatmant#i should boil down and kill any feelings i have that are a reaction to their behavior etc#but all this is going to make me do is kill all of us#its reaching to that point i think#so if i ever go missing from tumblr thats probably what happened#if i lived away from them i wouldnt put them on my mind at all but i have to see them during the day#it adds and adds and adds and adds onto my mental state and one day ill snap#im a rat in a cage thats being constantly negatively stimulated#living in this type of environment is only possible if the other people are puttibg some effort into trying to coexist in peace
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#told my roommate ive been depressed this weekend and she kindly offered to watch a movie but i knew shed be too tired and need to cancel#bc of the clocks changing and its ok i know how tired she gets i was the one to suggest it was okay if she cant + it was still a nice idea#but now im alone for the evening again ive been alone all weekend and weekends are the hardest for me and i thought i was feeling a little#better but im not and theres nothing to stop me from harming which is okay i keep it safe and its always a choice i make to do it or not#not anyone elses responsibility but i didnt want.to be alone tonight thats all. and offering something she knows she cant fulfil makes me#feel rejected too and i also wanted to talk abt some of her behaviour that upsets me sometimes but gently bc i dont want it to seem like#im blaming her bc its not her fault im so bad at communicating and neurotic and weird abt shit that doesnt even make sense#but its been bothering me for a really long time and it comes up again every time we meet with other people and i get really upset over it#and im the one that keeps putting off talking about it but its so hard when its been gping on so long and i find it so hard to express#anything and communicate especiallt when its shit like this but im so so so so tired of sitting on it i just want it resolved one way or#another and now i wont see her for a few days bc of this family trip and itll be on my mind the whole time and the thought is making me#feel insane already ive wasted so many hours and hours being upset by her and not being able to talk abt it i need it to stop its not even#that big a deal.it just is to me. and i dont know how to say anythign ever#and she wants to make plans with friends next weekend which feels like hoisting an anvil above my head bc if i dont go i risk having a#rejection sensitive episode bc im vulnerable rn and this is exactly what happened over the summer and it took me months to recover from but#if i do go ill get upset bc ill feel unwanted there and ill be dealing with the same issue that comes up every fucking time and either way#ill end up harming in response to it bc i cant handle how intense my emotions are and i dont have any better outlets right now#for these specific feelings and i dont want to do that i want to be a normal fucking human being who doesnt lock themself in a#stupid fucking iron maiden style repression over completely innocuous shit that no one would even know im reacting this way to#i cant do it i cant do thjs anymore i cant i want it to stop im so tired and it hurts so so much feeling so much like this#they should make a mind for me that is capable of not inflicting distress this intense on itself i need to explode#actually. maybe since i wont see her for a couple days i can write a long discord message about it instead. i know its a shitty way to#deliver information but maybe it would be easier that way rather than trying to summon the courage to say anything in person when im#usually actively upset abt it at the time and my immediate response to getting upset is to shut down and not express which doesnt help#and its so stupid but i need it to not be like this i cant keep living with her and getting so upset so regularly it has to stop now#ill think about itand maybe draft it. and then i can decide. but right now i need to eat. and pack. and then cut sorry. but its ok#ughhhhfdhf. please let this week be better ill try harder ill say something i have to im the one inflicting this on myself by not talking#about it!!!!!!!!! so. man and i think my dinner is cold now too. oh well#.vent#tw self harm
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