#anon about kendall

[twopoppies]

.

[stewykablooey]

i can’t stop thinking about twitter in the succession universe. how if kendall’s bisexuality ever came out, even if not originally linked to stewy, it would take like an hour before the “kendall roy is no longer relevant” interview clip resurfaces with some qt like “this is what gay divorce looks like”. twitter detectives would have a field day working out the timeline.

kendall’s bisexuality would be the first twitter storm, three days in someone starts a rumor that kendall and lawrence yee had an affair and that the vaulter gutting was a lover’s quarrel and poor lawrence has to respond immediately to vehemently deny it. in the middle of all that someone digs up a photo of kendall and stewy in college with the caption ‘ground zero’ as a Joke that doesn’t even get a lot of traction until stewy retweets it, causing a second, bigger twitter storm that births a ‘Gays and Guillotines: Does Kendall’s Roy Queer Interracial Relationship Negate His Family’s Capitalist Legacy?’ think piece and a ‘wall street bros and alt-right heirs: a timeline of the worst bi rep since misha collins’ video essay goes viral. teenagers keep tweeting pap photos of kendall and stewy talking about how stewy is way out of kendall’s league with captions like ‘this is like when ellie goulding dated ed sheeran’ or ‘girls will be doing the most hair done beard sharp enough to kill a man smelling like a pine forest in spring and their boyfriends will show up in a baseball cap’

[pynkhues]

What do you think about it is about Kendall that’s it’s like, of course he’s the only one with a real friend?

It's lowkey one of my favourite choices on the show, anon, just because I think it's so revealing in more ways than one. Like, it makes sense, not just because of who Kendall is, but also who his siblings are, and the different ways they navigate their way through the world.

Interestingly, I think Connor and Shiv actually have the clearest boundary (or hurdle, depending on how you look at it) when it comes to fostering friendships, and while I think those things are different, I think they're both steeped in these factors of them as characters that shape their experiences of adulthood.

I think Connor's stems from an extremely disrupted childhood between his mother's mental health, her institutionalisation, his father's absence and reappearance, and then his being pushed into a parentified role to the golden trio at a formative age (canon explicitly tells us that too! Camping trips, fishing trips, fulfilling the father duties at Shiv's wedding before Logan decides to show up!) when he should've been away at college building his own relationships, in order to feel he had any sort of place in his family.

Similarly, I think Shiv has been soaked in hatred for her own gender since she's been born. Her relationship with her mother is strained and seems to have been weaponised by her father, she likely went to an all girls school (Spence, I imagine, which is basically the all girls equivalent of Buckley, the all boys school we know Kendall went to) and her own misogyny hampered any genuine friendship attempts. I think Shiv probably had frenemies, but nothing deeply meaningful, because vulnerability and emotional honesty is something she can't allow herself if she wants to survive in a male-dominated household festering in a male-dominated industry. I think male friendships were off the table in that sense too because Shiv seems to have always sought power in whatever way she could, and the two things she has to exert power are her name and her sexuality and at least her sexuality is hers.

I think Roman's a little harder to put a pin in in that sense, because I think he's a little bit of both of them, and a whole lot his own thing. I think he's experienced a part of Connor's disrupted childhood by having been shipped away to school and for his physical abuse, and I think he's experienced a part of Shiv's self-loathing for a part of his identity he can't face up to, but I also think Roman on paper should have friends. Roman's funny and insightful and (most of the time) the right sort of mean, and he's no more self-defensive than the rest of them, but I think the reason comes down to the biggest difference between him and Kendall:

Roman can be honest without being vulnerable, whereas Kendall can be vulnerable without being honest.

Roman as a character isn't actually particularly duplicitous. He can absolutely be an asshole, but he doesn't play to what people want in the way that both Kendall and Shiv (and even to an extent, Connor) do. His moments of vulnerability though are rare, often private, often, still, fleeting and guarded, while his moments of honesty are more frequent, yet often just ugly and naked and there. He fronts to it, and takes it, and usually tells the other person to take it too, which is what he did with Gerri and Tabitha and even Lawrence way back at the start of the series.

Kendall's not an honest person, but he is someone who's inherently vulnerable, and I think it pulls people to him, despite themselves. We've seen it in real time with Naomi and even Greg, and retrospectively with Rava, Stewy and Frank. He can break, he can curl in a lap or bury a head in a shoulder while still telling half truths or nothing at all. God, probably one of the best examples is in 2.04 when he pulls Shiv into a hug while talking around what she actually wants to hear.

Kendall lets people mop up the blood while he either tries to hide, ignore or justify the wound, and I think that vulnerability lets people feel a degree of intimacy with him and protectiveness of him that becomes muddied as they discover that Kendall is inherently a dishonest person and an addict, as it seems most characters in this show have learnt the hard way. After all, discovering that he's not told you a whole truth doesn't erase the memory of the weight of his head against your shoulder.

[hier--soir]

How's the depression going? Are ya winnin' son?

it’s going!

[flippy-floppy]

ok thanks! 💕 the whole “iverson is kendall’s biological son” confuses me because it’s right there in the text that he actually isn’t. even accounting for roman’s provocation and w/e theory of reproduction logan might have postulated, the filing-cabinet guy bit and the randos comment are pretty straightforward. i don’t see the ambiguity at all tbh. now moving on to more personal interpretations, yessssss! Good Person doing a Good Thing and Feeling Good, i agree that kendall’s love for sophie is uncomplicated, but imho the same is true with iverson. not much self-reflection other than kendall asking himself if he’s Good or Bad and not wanting to be the father his father was. and if iverson is “half rava” but not kendall’s, can you imagine the implications? this child is rava’s, she carried him for 40 weeks, she’s known him for longer than kendall has. but sophie!!! “bianca won’t let me feed megathump a piece of my bagel” because sophie Knows she’ll get what she wants / “soph! open up!” when kendall demands that sophie open the car door in church and state, because she’s his daughter! he’s manipulative, he’s insane, he thinks his girl has his back. i think that logan, paradoxically, interacts with iverson because he’s the one that needs fixing, the one that needs to be consoled after kendall almost drowns. kendall is so out of touch with his authority as a father, his mere physicality as a man, that he doesn’t even realize that, together with logan, he’s the one forcing his son to partecipate in the food-tasting mindfuck. i think that he simply doesn’t know what to do with a boy lol, it doesn’t come naturally to him, just like every other single thing he’s supposed to do and be

[referencing this post 🙂]

the OP isn't saying he thinks that's what the text is intending, he's just talking about how he enjoys the narrative situation it would create and the character implications that come from that haha

it's more like, Well, what if xyz? What happens then? which is fun!! its fun to think about all the little possible variations of character and how they would impact the narrative in different ways!

all that to say: I do also think Iverson not being Kendall's is interesting too! like. Logan is very obsessed with the idea of modern dynasty and legacy and Kendall spending his whole life the heir apparent is Very Aware of that fact and how much it would hurt his position to not be a father. so for Kendall, the struggle to have kids and seeking out alternate methods of parenthood feels like an enormous personal failure and is obviously a great source of shame for him -- Like. it is so upsetting to him that he physically assaults Roman for bringing it up as a mark against him lol

imo Kendall's relationship to fatherhood is very. emblematic of the way he views his relationship to Logan: Kendall wants to Be Logan, wants to be what's expected of him and follow in his footsteps, and when he's unable to do so he seeks out alternate paths and convinces himself that it's not the result of a failure of expectations but because he's actually Better Than Logan.

So-- he wants to have kids and create a hereditary dynasty because that is what his dad wants. He is unable to do so. He seeks out adoption and IVF and convinces himself that this is what Modern Parenting looks like and he is doing a Good Thing by parenting this way and Logan just doesn't get it because he is the past and Kendall is the future. But in his heart, he knows. He's ashamed.

I think that disconnect creates a mental barrier for Kendall and keeps him distant from his kids, so there's no real emotional connection between them beyond a superficial level: they are his kids so he loves them. You're supposed to love family, so he loves them.

and i think you're right that Kendall is closer to Sophie, but i feel that has more to do with Iverson's autism than anything else really. i think Sophie's the more "accessible" kid for Kendall to talk to bc of that, so she's easier to connect with in kendall's mind, which could be why he reaches out to her after being rejected by rava in church and state

With Iverson I think Kendall sees him as like. a Kid With a Disability and so is focused on ensuring his material needs are met, that he's ok, that he's not under duress, etc, that he never really thinks to like. connect with him as an individual. which I think is true with Sophie too to some extent. like I think he genuinely believes that because he gets the kids whatever they want (ex. a rabbit) he is being a Good Dad

and yes with Logan I pretty much agree. like I think he just ignores them for the most part because he doesn't really view them as "his" but occasionally Iverson will stick out to him in a way where he's like, "I know how to fix this situation and Kendall and Rava are just unable/unwilling to do it the way I see is the Right Way." i have more thoughts on logan but they're all a bit incoherent so I will leave it at that I think

ty anon!!

[thegetdownrebooter]

do you not like Kendall?

no i love kendall, but i'm not delusional or obtuse about his flaws, nor do i woobify him.

[stewyhosseini-bf]

Need to read like a 1000 fics of Kendall k*lling himself and the siblings reacting to fill this void inside me lol

LMAO. Personally cannot read those bc they make me feel so so so so. Upset. But I get what you‘re saying lol

[queernarchy]

wait wait what do you think happened with dog pound? responding to your tags on the gifset of the kendall and roman hug wound thing

oh boy buckle up. so roman says that kendall used to lock him in a cage when he was a child against his will, and kendall responds with shock and revulsion. how could you even say that, how could you even think that, and yes, that happened, but you liked it. you thought it was fun, i was being a good big brother, giving you what you wanted. and rome says no, i never wanted it, you're lying. and under it all it’s just two fighting dogs, with their father watching the whole thing. and kendall knew, even then. if not in so many words, dad said one of us gets the boot and one of us gets the hand, and is it even a choice if you’re already broken. if you’re already the one in a cage.

and then they’re adults and rome tells kendall i wasn’t broken, and then i was, but i don’t have to be. it’s healing. i’m healing. why can’t it be me? why was it never me? and kendall grabs him and pulls him into a hug like a good big brother who comes up with fun games for them to play. but then it starts to hurt and roman tries to pull away and cries but kendall locks him there. and like someone who’s had so little power and love in their life the only control roman can find is to lean into it. accept it. to eat the food until he unlocks the door. and isn’t kendall being a good brother? he’s hugging him. he’s comforting him. isn't that what rome always wanted? he lets him go and tells him he loves him. but he also says the same thing he’s always said. you are broken. dad is gone but he’s still here and it will never be you, because you are the one in the cage and i’m holding the key.

in not so many words it’s their whole childhood dynamic. i’m willing to bet dog pound started off a fun game that roman was excited to play with his big brother who loved him, who wanted to spend time with him, that eventually turned into something much darker. a hug that turns into brutality. something kendall told himself he did to show his little brother he cared, but something he did to win. something rome survived, but something he did because it was the only way he knew how to be loved. to lean in and come out bleeding.

kendall came out with the lie he told himself about being a good big brother and rome came out with the pain it cause him, and they both ignored half the truth in their narrative but never forgot it, because we see every part, even the denied halves, happening all at once in that goddamn hug.

[heyaritou]

Your Kendall Roy art knocked me out of my seat! Such a great expression. And the quote over Ken's eyes with the strike-though (or underline?) is just perfect! Thank you for being one of the best artists in the Succession fandom. <3

Omg thank you so much for taking the time to send this! You just made my day!!!!🥺❤️❤️❤️

[kenzie-ann27]

what do you think about kenaomi?

I did answer something like this before, but it is just as hard for me to say, I think. I like Kendall and I like Naomi, but I don't know if I really liked them together. I feel like Kendall's relationship with her was really similar to the one he has with Stewy, to be honest, so she didn't really bring anything new to Kendall that Stewy doesn't.

But! I did really really like their development in season three, especially towards the end in the birthday episode, how it showed a very different side of them. They seem very similar, both addicted to drugs and growing up in very rich and very broken families, but Kendall was just so much more broken, and Naomi finally recognized that and that they might fuel the bad things in each other when they were together. I like them very much as friends, and I kind of wish they explored that more in season four.

[invisiblechains-if]

What's something the ROs dislike about themselves the most? What's something they really like about themselves?

Kendall: They hate how manipulative they can be sometimes, they always want to get what they want, and that has led them to do things and to treat people in ways that they regret.

Something that they really like about them is how easy it is for them to communicate with other people, to empathize with them, and to get them to open up.

Quinn: They hate how difficult it is for them to communicate what they are feeling, even if they want to, they have to be really comfortable with you to be able to put in words what they feel.

They really like how easy it is for them to adapt to the situation, even if they aren’t the most talkative in some situations, or they aren’t really comfortable in them, you won’t be able to see that they don’t fit in or how they’re feeling.

Noah: For Noah, this is a complex question, because the thing that they dislike the most about themselves is, at the same time, the thing that ends up with the characteristic that they like the most about themselves.

They tend to dislike their need for control, because that has led them to have severe anxiety issues, sometimes they wish that they could be more careless, to be able to go on with situations that are out of their control. 

And the thing that they really like about them is how easy it is for them to find solutions to problems.

[twopoppies]

.

[stewykablooey]

In what scene is it the most obvious that stewy is in love with kendall?

pusillanimous fools gold scene. nine times out of a ten this is my answer to literally anything kenstewy and its because its impact is simply That staggering. that much hurt that much heartbreak that much concern can only be the result of that much love.

[pynkhues]

Hey, really love your succession meta, I hope this is welcome in your ask box. Idk if this is something you talked about already, but there is this persuasive assumption in the general fandom space that roman was the only kid who suffered physical abuse ever that in my opinion isnt really supported in the text/subtext. The way the past abuse of all the roys is talked about, to me, always implied a wealth of countless, other traumatic experiences that are simply not talked about and may very well be physical abuse. To me it feels like it was set up this way to fire up the viewers imagination and illustrate the sheer, unspeakable magnitude of the abuse. I just cant see Logan never losing his temper and getting physical with the other sibs but I struggle to put into words why. What are your thoughts on this? Do you think Rome was the only kid facing physical abuse? Youre always so eloquent in your analysis and demonstrate a complex understanding of dv dynamics. I appreciate your work :)

Hey! Thank you for your kind words, anon, and it’s definitely welcome in my inbox!

Yeah, I’ve noticed that assumption about Roman a lot too, and it’s not one I personally agree with, although I do understand why people make it. Roman is, after all, the only one of the four children that the show explicitly depicts receiving physical abuse, and he’s the only one who really has his abuse talked about by the other children (interestingly, on both occasions Roman’s abuse is actually weaponised against other characters, not against Roman. Kendall uses it as a way to try and hurt their father in 4.02, and Shiv uses it as a way to say that Kendall deserves greater punishment from their father than he’s receiving in 2.01).

I actually would say that we’ve had pretty explicit evidence that Kendall received physical abuse too, namely in the way that Logan came at him at Connor’s ranch after Kendall’s relapse in 1.07 (especially because I’d argue Kendall was doing in that scene what Roman has done a few times now by seeking out the hit, and the reason Logan held off was less about not wanting to, and more that he punishes his children by not giving them what they want), and in Logan hitting Iverson with the tin of cranberries in 1.05. I talked about the latter in this post, but I’ve always read the blocking of Kendall behind Iverson as a way of having a flashback without having a flashback, and the way that the episode ties Kendall and Iverson’s experiences as the same I think underscores that.

(It’s hard to comment on this particular point without seeing the scripts, but Arian Moayed has said in an interview too that the script for 4.04 had Stewy say that he’d seen Logan through a shoe at Kendall which I do think is likely meant to echo what Shiv says about Logan beating Roman with a shoe in 2.01 too, but given the scene was condensed, I’ll leave it out as canonical evidence at this point).

As for Shiv and Connor, yeah, I do think there was physical abuse for both of them as well, and I think it was probably fairly common for Connor when he was very young, and probably infrequent enough for Shiv for her to push it down (honestly though, given her character, I wouldn’t even be surprised if a part of her re-wrote it in her head as a positive after the fact. Getting hit means, after all, that she’s one of the boys).

So it does beg the question of why Roman’s abuse is easier for them all to acknowledge. I have a few theories about that, but ultimately, I think it comes down to an adolescent othering of Roman by Shiv and Kendall, and all four of their relative proximity to each other in their formative years.

Alan Ruck has said that Connor’s about fifteen years older than Kendall which puts him in a unique situation growing up where I imagine there’s a lot about his childhood through to his young adulthood that the Golden Trio simply don’t know due to the age gap. They obviously know bits and pieces – what happened to Connor’s mother for instance, Logan’s temporary abandonment, and the situation with the cake – but I’d generally say that those are life events that scaffold a childhood, they don’t provide the detail of it.

The child desertion that came with Logan’s temporary abandonment too would also have been extremely formative to Connor as a character. We don’t know when this was (although I do have my own theories on that too), but it would’ve fundamentally changed any existing dynamic between Connor and Logan, and I think we see that quite clearly in the man Connor is. His people pleasing, his co-dependency, his need to control the terms of his relationships (notable in the entire context of his relationship with Willa), his fear of rejection, and his fawn response to certain situations are all symptomatic of childhood abandonment. I imagine a lot of that started after Logan’s desertion, but then likely were compounded with Logan’s re-entry into his life, and I think that grew into his sort of subservience and performed affability which was likely inherently tied to the fear of being abandoned again.

In that sense, I think there was probably less physical abuse with Connor as he got older because he learnt how to navigate their father’s temper and stopped testing it / always acquiesced out of a fear of being deserted again. If most of his physical abuse was when he was a child or a teenager, well, Kendall, Roman and Shiv hadn’t even been born, there’s already a remove for them in terms of their relation to it.

With Kendall, Roman and Shiv, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about Roman being sent away to school in Delaware while Kendall and Shiv were both living with their father still and going to school in Manhattan. There’s a childhood separation there when it comes to Roman, yes, which breeds its own sort of ‘othering’, which I’ll come back to, but I do think there’s a lot of evidence in the show that depicts Kendall and Shiv as forming something between a ‘half and half’ and a ‘trauma-shield’ sibling relationship.

I’m getting a bit scientific here, so I hope you don’t mind, but a half and half sibling relationship is described as consisting of ‘the reenactment of traumatic events with their sibling due to the flawed attachments the sibling has to their caregiver. This sibling relationship is often the most violent, and is seen as a love-hate relationship with each other. This often plays out as the siblings’ relationship becomes too important as a substitute source of nurturing and threatening as a potential cause for abandonment. The siblings are confused about their psychological connection to a caregiver, and act out a push/pull relationship with each other to achieve maximum comfort from that caregiver.’

On the other hand, the trauma shield sibling relationship is when siblings ‘use each other as a shield from the abuse and interrupt the development process. They become fixated at the same developmental level and exhibit similar interpretations of their struggles despite the chronological age difference.’

The show regularly depicts Kendall and Shiv as being mirrors to one another – they are the winning dog, the rightful heir, the only real competition to one another, and now the only two to be parents and continue the lines of succession – and I think we’ve seen the effect that’s had on both their lives. They have moments of genuine intimacy and trust, they defend each other, they reach for each other when things are blowing up and become active participants in each other’s attacks on others, just as they also are the most ruthless with one another, the most violent, they weaponise each other’s weaknesses (both real and perceived) and have tried to ‘kill’ each other more than any other iteration of the siblings.

I also think that they both are in extreme denial about the abuse they received, and I think that they enable that in each other and shield each other from the realities of it which is easier to do when Connor and Roman weren’t there for it, and easier to do when they have each other to reiterate the artifice of their lives. God, one of the things that’s so great about the karaoke confrontation in 4.02 is that it kind of lays that out. Kendall and Shiv work together in that scene in a way that shuts Roman and Connor out at best and at worst uses their abuse and neglect to make a point while never saying anything about what Logan’s done to them. Shiv might bring up Logan advising Tom on the lawyers, but even that is a way around the things we’ve seen Logan do to her, and Kendall’s literally behind her the whole time. They’re in-step in their refusal to acknowledge what their father’s done to them, just as they’re in-step in forcing their brothers’ abuse out into the open to make a point.

I think this dynamic likely established itself around the time Roman was sent away to school, because I think Roman being sent away fed into Kendall and Shiv’s shared narrative that they were the prized children. It likely did have this degree of othering for Roman which emphasised his perceived weakness in the eyes of all three of the Golden Trio, and I think he likely had readjustment periods when coming home for the holidays that did see him hit more. I think those periods likely let Kendall and Shiv off the proverbial hook until he inevitably went back to school, where they could control their own abuse narratives again through their shared understanding of what the ‘story’ was.

This has gotten very long, haha, so look! This is a roundabout way of saying that I think Logan’s parenting style has been divide and conquer for as long as he’s been a parent, and that that has coloured all four of their understandings of their own abuse. The difference is that Connor and Roman were cast out, and the fact of being cast out at all means that abuse and neglect has a light shone upon it. It gets some oxygen, it gets to breathe, which makes it real. Kendall and Shiv weren’t cast out, they were kept together in their father’s house in Manhattan, and I think getting to stay behind closed doors in the dark let them hide even from Connor and Roman. It didn’t see the light, it didn’t get any air, so it was never real. I think it allowed them the ability to hide, deny or re-write their abuse, and I think they used (and still use) each other to do it.

[unriding]

EVIE’S NOTE ( CLOSED ) ! welcome to my very first event! this is an open fandom, minecraft centered event that is open to anyone 18+ (anons, strangers, non-followers & non-mutuals are more than welcome to join in!! i would love to create a little post for you)!

if small text is hard on your eyes, see here for this exact post in large text & auto caps. otherwise, details & how to join are written below!

( closed ) send an ask with… first: your pseud, a picrew, your preferred fandoms and any lore or facts about yourself ( optional ) !

( closed ) what i make ….. here’s the link to an example!! i make a post on @z3vie, and i’ll tag you if you’re not on anon. if you’re on anon— u can either scroll or check the queue below for the link!

i’ll make you and your f/o a minecraft skin- to the best of my abilities. features will be vaguely represented. i’ll set u up on a minecraft date!! who’s fighting mobs and who’s picking flowers ? >:o we will see. ( repeat dates will happen !! )

other relevant info … i won’t post your ask. it’ll be deleted marked as complete in my queue! also, it’s a very chill event! you’re welcome to send me no selfship info, or pages of selfship info. don’t even stress about it ^ ^ !!! (tho u should send me selfship lore because i am nosy)

oh shoot also unriding is severely understaffed (there is only one evie here and no twice in existence to duplicate myself) so please be patient > < i will do my very best !! trust :>

one last thing my dearest friends : this event is in collaboration with @mlkbwunnies’s 2024 yume creators market !! meaningggg a bunch of others are hosting selfship events right now too!! free free to check out ying’s mlist here :> HAVE AN AWESOME SELFSHIP WEEK YAYY

( current queue! ) check @z3vie for your post!! also, note — the animal group names have no relevance, they are just cute hehe

POSTED

deer group — ( grey / letta / kiki / yue )

polar bear group — ( min / rye / ying / nick )

cat group — ( awea / aegis / sua / gray )

hamster group — ( kendall / lauren / kruin / rara )

rabbit group — ( rae / lena / marlyn / aspen )

lion group — ( aliyah / hea / quinn / bibi )

koala group — ( sylvester / kayla / lexi / jess )

tiger group — ( venus / em / nyx / meirin )

axolotl group — ( jiae / romy / luvie / candy )

panda group — ( kai / ai / cy / aims )

fox group — ( jay / liv / amor / sam )

bumblebee group — ( bee / flora / zebra / atlas )

unicorn group — ( ophelia / fuji / venus / mari )

hummingbird group — ( esther / risu / mitzi / lotus )

sea otter group — ( mochi / ryu / luna / honey )

sea horse group — ( mellina / rain / cha / whimsy )

bluebird group — ( clever / steph / brynn )

[spxllcxstxr]

Kintsugi • K.R

(Gif not mine)

Request: Pls pls I need Kendall x young reader wife with a kid living in a remote place away from all the post waystar drama — anon

Summary: Six months later, Kendall still believes he's broken

Warnings: fem!reader (referred to as girl and mommy), usage of mommy and daddy but in pure parental terms, you have an unnamed daughter, rehab mention, kendall takes meds and goes to therapy now, past suicide implication/mention?, normal ken stuff, spoilers for the end of succession

Word Count: 1.2k (I didn't think it was gunna be this long lmao)

A.N: this was a little angsty im not gunna lie lmao, I’m going feral over this request—I just want Ken to be HAPPY, not enough happy Kendall gifs, also i am not entirely great with writing modern bros so like sorry about the characterization? first kendall piece so if you have any tips let me know, hope you all enjoy!

Kintsugi - a Japanese art form that involves repairing broken pottery with gold

•

"Ken? Ken honey do you want to join us at the beach today?" Your words cut through the painful silence of your master bedroom, shrouded in darkness despite it being past noon.

Kendall gives no indication that he heard you; no vague grunt or shift in movement. He just lays there--the blanket covering everything below his nose as his eyes stay closed. He isn't sleeping, you've been married to him long enough that his shuddering breaths and still as stone rigid posture was a poor attempt to convince you otherwise.

It’s like he thinks the blanket is the only thing holding him together. Like if he leaves that spot he’ll crumble to pieces right in front of you.

Your heart drops just looking at him. Being away from the city had obviously done some good, along with his month long visit to rehab, but Ken was still…healing.

You kiss his forehead before leaving, telling your disappointed daughter that daddy wouldn't be joining you today.

"It's one of daddy's bad days?" She asks once you feet hit the sand. Her childish voice laced with her innocence almost makes you tear up.

"It is, sweetie..." You nod, before quickly distracting her with placing your towels down and bringing out water bottles from her little pink lunchbox.

The ocean is what occupies her little body for the first hour or so. She jumps over the little waves and collects sea shells. Like what any parent would do, you snap photos of her with the biggest grin on her face.

Eventually, though, the two of you end up in the sand, using her plastic bucket and shovel to build a castle fit for a queen. She's actually not half bad, you notice, as the usual clumsy movements of a toddler are no longer present when she details her sandcastle.

“How’re my girls?”

You look up from the sand beneath your fingers to see your husband, clad in shorts and t-shirt.

“Daddy!” Your daughter shrieks, practically stomping all over the sandcastle the two of you were working on to get to Kendall.

She hugs his knees, squeezing them between her little arms, and he crouches down to hug her back.

Your husband smiles and it’s enough to convince your daughter—but not you.

He's tired, you notice; though it wouldn't take a rocket scientist to figure that one out. At just a glance it looks as if your husband has aged 50 years in six months. His eyes are sunken, not mention the dullness of his usually bright brown eyes. Kendall's normally sun-kissed skin now a deathly grey, which makes sense, he has barely left your bedroom much less the house. It’s almost as if someone had taken a spoon and hollowed out everything that made him human. Frown lines are etched into his face, your heart almost shatters at the overpowering aura of sadness and despair surrounding him.

Six months isn't enough time to wash away the years at Waystar.

You smile at him as your daughter takes his hand and drags him to the crumbling sandcastle.

Once he sits down he kisses you, placing a large hand on the side on your face. You taste the mint of the mouthwash he must've just used before his trek down here. Kissing Kendall was addicting, it always was, but with your daughter's groan of disgust you slowly pull away from him.

"Oh don't be like that kiddo, that's just what mommies and daddies do when they're in love." Kendall teases, ruffling her hair in the process.

She sticks her tongue out before turning her attention back on the ruins of the castle in front of her. Instead of crying about the state of it, she happily starts rebuilding with the help of you and Ken.

One eye never leaves his figure.

This sort of mood swing isn’t uncommon, for years you’ve experienced Kendall’s drastic moods, but this certainly wasn’t one of his highs.

The sandcastle slowly morphs into a sandkingdom; once she starts she never wants to stop. That is, until your daughter finally gets tired after the sun sets and she curls into Kendall’s lap.

You know you should get back to the house, it’s late, but it’s just too peaceful out here, alone on the beach.

Careful not to stir the little girl in his lap, Kendell leans his head on your shoulder, shifting closer to your warm figure. The stars flicker above you--a sight you almost never saw in the city. You take a deep breath before kissing your husband's recently buzzed head. Kendall hums, nuzzling even closer into you, like he was trying to burrow underneath your skin so you never had to leave him.

"I love you, Kendall. And we're ok." You whisper, the words getting eaten by the crashing waves just feet away from the two of you. Still, he hears you, you can tell by the sniffle against your shirt. Your daughter groans in her sleep, shifting.

He swallows roughly at your words.

“I’m so sorry, (Y/n)…I fucked it.” Ken chokes out quietly, trying not to disturb the child. “I fucked it and I’m broken.”

His tears seep into your shirt. You angle your head down, your nose brushing against the top of his head.

"Oh Ken honey..." Your own lip wobbles at your husband's vulnerability. "You're not broken...you were never broken..."

"Then I'm--I'm fucking cracked, (Y/n)! I'm just not whole anymore! I don’t know if I ever was!"

Thoughts race through your head. Kendall had been doing better. He was consistent with taking his meds and he went to therapy every week. What if he tried to--? You clutch him closer to you, trying not to make yourself spiral when Kendall needed you.

His body shakes with silent sobs, your daughter still peacefully sleeping, unaware of the world around her.

The cool ocean breeze dances across your skin. You take a deep breath.

"Have you ever heard of kintsugi, Ken?"

"What? I'm having a complete breakdown and you're asking me about whatever the fuck that is?" He huffs, annoyed.

"Just listen to me Ken, it'll go somewhere." You kiss the top of his head to comfort his suddenly tense figure beside you. He eases at the contact. "I read in some stupid magazine that it's a Japanese technique where they repaired broken pots and stuff with gold." Kendall lifts his head to look at you. His eyes are red with unshed tears and his eyebrows are furrowed, listening to you. "They were made whole again; made more beautiful and were stronger than before."

Kendall purses his lips as you bring a hand up to stroke his tear stained cheek. Your other hand lightly strokes through your daughter's hair, careful not to rouse her.

"We'll be your gold, Kendall."

All at once the tension leaves his body, tears cascading down his face. His once dimly lit eyes brighten to reflect the stars above.

"Right," He nods, almost like he doesn't know how to respond to what you just said. "My gold..." His eyes flick between you and your daughter before his head settles back onto your shoulder, almost as if he couldn't take anymore emotions for the day.

You sigh, leaning your own head against his. Closing your eyes, you let the sound of the waves wash over the otherwise silent night.

The stars still shine above you and the saltiness of the ocean tinges the air.

You were all going to be alright.

•