#and you wanna know what the psych department offered me? what the only thing they approved for me to interview for was?

[bbyboybucket]

Welp I’m distraught, I’m crushed, I’m pissed, dumbfounded. Cause I guess I’m not doing clinicals now, even though for 3 fucking years I’ve been looking forward to it and have been counting down the fucking days. Literally I guess fuck me 🥲

[cardiophileanonymous]

Late Night Errands Chapter 1

Mulder x Reader

Summary: The reader is a paralegal preparing to help defend her client on trial in a week. The stress has finally convinced her to go out and get a stethoscope to help calm her down. Little does she know a certain agent was watching her out while she was out late at night, and it makes her a prime suspect in his eyes.

Y/n= your name

Y/f/n Y/l/n= your first and last name

B/f/n= your best friend’s name

...

Y/n slammed the door shut then started to punch the sides of the steering wheel. What in the world was going through her mind? Of course this store wouldn’t have any stethoscopes! Even if it was a pharmacy. People don’t have stuff like that lying around in their homes. Not normal people, anyway. What was she gonna say to the employee when they inevitably asked why she was looking for one? “Oh, I don’t need one, I just want it for my weird-ass heartbeat kink!” Yeah, that was one conversation she didn’t want to have.

She silently stared at the moon for a few brief moments. Why couldn’t she have a normal kink like everyone else? Like feet, maybe. It still would’ve been weird, but dammit, at least she’d be able to find porn of it. The best she could find easily was cardiophilia fanfiction, and even then, it was scarce.

She snuck glances around the parking lot. Nobody in sight. So hopefully, nobody would notice the blush on her face when she brought up an hour long “asmr heartbeat” video for the sake of calming herself down.

She smiled in bliss. When a heartbeat was in the background, it was like everything melted away. She groaned in frustration when she heard a text from her friend, B/f/n.

Don’t forget we’re having lunch tomorrow! I’m taking your mind off that trial if it’s the last thing I do!

She was double pissed now that the stress of last week filled her head. She was a paralegal, and one of her clients was set to go on trial less than a week from now. It was the oddest case she’d ever seen. The case of Bill Brown.

The man had killed exactly one-hundred people in the span of less than half a year. And the details he gave were chilling. They were vivid and graphic. So, he must’ve been a sociopath or something, right? Well he was super remorseful. And upon turning himself in, that’s right, turning himself in, he sobbed for three days straight. What’s strangest was he claimed he didn’t know they happened until the memories came back to him that night.

She wouldn’t have believed it either, if he didn’t point to bodies that hadn’t been found yet. He helped officers uncover at least a quarter of his victims.

It gave everyone working in his defense a headache. Argue innocence and a false confession? He flat out admitted details the public didn’t know. Did they argue insanity? He seemed pretty fucking sane during interviews and psych evaluations. Self defense? Not in a million years.

What got at her was the genuine feeling he was innocent, and that someone, or something, could be out there. The idea of being out there in the city alone with it out and about gave her the creeps.

“Whatever,” she whispered, turning the audio up so she could return to her blissful ignorant state. Where everything melted away. Where she was actually pretty happy with a smile on her face. With that, she began to drive away.

…

All she could think about when she finished getting dressed was the trial. The trial, the trial, the trial. This was gonna be the biggest train wreck she would ever see in her career, and she had only become a paralegal a mere three years ago. She didn’t envy the defense attorneys she was working under.

Her thoughts were interrupted by three knocks at the door. Strange, she wasn’t expecting anyone today, except for B/f/n, and she was always late for everything.

She looked through the peephole to see two people in fancy clothing outside. She opened the door just a crack.

“H-hello…?”

“Y/f/n Y/l/n,” the man asked. Y/n nodded hesitantly. The man speaking held up the badge and the woman behind him did the same. “Agents Mulder and Skully, FBI. We have a few questions about your client. The one who’s set to go on trial next week.”

She turned her head to the side.

“I’m sorry, I think you might be mistaken. I-I’m not an attorney, I’m just a paralegal.”

“Oh, we’re not mistaken. That’s exactly why we wanted to talk to you.”

She looked inside her apartment real quick, then back at them.

“Okay… come on in. Just come in quickly so the cat doesn’t get out. She has a habit of running outside.”

She was internally grateful that her friend talked her into going out for lunch. She would’ve felt embarrassed if she had had to talk to these well dressed professionals in her pajamas. Skully knelt down, petting Y/n’s cat that had just walked up to the two.

“Um… would you like tea or anything? I’m about to make some for myself now.”

Skully lifted up one of her hands while she let the small animal nuzzle into her other one.

“That won’t be necessary. We plan to be out as soon as possible.”

“O-okay… um... I’m guessing you’re here to ask about Bill Brown?”

Mulder nodded.

“That’s correct.”

“I… don’t really understand. He’s set to go on trial less than a week from now. Why is the FBI getting involved? I thought this was settled, more or less.”

“We think he may be the wrong guy. We’re investigating a series of murders strikingly similar to the ones he supposedly committed a year and a half ago. We need to look at some of the previous evidence and cross examine it with the crimes happening now.”

She still seemed unconvinced.

“Why haven’t you gone to my firm? Or better yet, the police? I-I’m sure they have everything on file.”

Mulder shook his head.

“The lawyers won’t speak to us. And the police department doesn’t want to reopen the investigation when they’re so close to closing it. They don’t want to cause panic.”

She nodded. That actually wasn’t that hard a story to believe, considering the people she worked with on a daily basis. She just looked around the room.

“Okay… you might want to rethink my offer about the tea, then. And have a seat. Because this’ll take a long time.”

...

She presented them with a long list of documents. Some images, most legal papers. She pulled out the two things that were most of interest to her, a map of where the killings took place as well as a few images of supposed murder weapons.

“I’m not really sure what you’re looking for, so here's everything, I guess.”

Skully started flipping through the legal papers, reading passages of the man’s confession. Y/n’s cat slipped under Skully’s arms and laid on her lap as she continued to read. Mulder took a keen eye to the map.

“When did these murders take place?”

“Um, September 14th through February 10th, sir.”

“And he moved here the day these murders started, correct?”

“C-c-correct. You… didn’t already know this?”

“Oh I did. I just wanted to make sure you did. Encyclopedic knowledge of a case is the sign of a good paralegal, don’t you think?”

“Oh!” She let out an embarrassed chuckle. “Thanks…”

“Tell me, Y/n. What do you think happened?”

“Well, the evidence clearly shows he’s guilty, so… we are going to be arguing that he did these crimes due to mania and insanity.”

“No, Y/n. What do you really think?”

She looked down, and started to get finicky. She sat up straight.

“I think he’s innocent… and I have a theory about what happened. But… I don’t think anyone would believe me.”

Skully raised an eyebrow.

“Why haven’t you brought it up with any of the defense attorneys?”

She looked away, then back at the both of them.

“You won’t… tell anyone, right? I don’t wanna lose my job because everyone thinks I’m crazy.”

Mulder nodded expectantly.

“Of course not. Now, what did you find?”

She flipped through the papers.

“While they were at his house… they found a lot of these DVDs.” She was somewhat mumbling under her breath. When she pulled out the image she presented it to Mulder. “I’ve looked them up and they’re all from a lesser known hypnotist.”

Mulder read the bottom of the DVD covers.

“Hannah Martin?”

“...yes. I’ve tried to find those specific DVDs myself, on her website or Amazon or whatnot, but, uh, I can’t find them.”

“Why do you find these significant?”

“Um… Skully, was it? May I please have the written interview?”

She handed it to her. Now that her hands were free, Skully began to pet the cat sitting on her legs, who purred in appreciation. She cleared her throat and began to read.

“Bill said ‘I moved to start a new life, I tried to smile every day, I helped my neighbors, I listened to hypnosis videos every night before bed to make me a better person. I did my best to turn my life around… but I guess I was a monster this whole time. Last night, my memories came back to me in my dreams. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…’”

Mulder nodded.

“So you think that the hypnosis videos he watched before bed may have mind controlled or influenced him into committing these crimes overnight?”

Her face began to turn red and a wave of feeling stupid hit her.

“I’m sorry! I know that sounds insane!”

“No, not to me.” She was in awe. He was actually entertaining her insane supernatural idea? “How far have you looked into this Hanna Martin?”

“You have to pay at least five-hundred dollars for her to create a hundred and fifty custom sessions to send to you personally through DVDs. Um, the first alleged murder was one hundred and forty-nine days before the last alleged murder. That day he confessed would be day one hundred and fifty.”

Mulder seemed incredibly interested. He gazed down at the image he was holding.

“Thank you for bringing this information to my attention. Can you please scan this and make a copy for me? I want to see if I can track down these DVDs.”

“O-okay!”

She was a little excited that her idea was being entertained. And, aside from that, this agent was very cute! So he was cute and as conspiracy crazy as she was?! She smiled like a dope when she was no longer being watched, her back to the two. She began making the copy.

“Another question for you, Y/n.”

She gulped. Something about this man saying her name made her stomach drop.

“Y-yeah…?”

“Do you go out at night often?”

The feeling of her stomach dropping was now from fear.

“What do you mean?”

“I saw your car parked outside the local drugstore late last night, any reason for it?”

She swallowed, hard. She was going for ulterior motives, but she was relieved she had something to fall back on.

“I was getting my medication. Um, I can show you if you want proof?”

“There’s no need to. But midnight is fairly late to be running errands like that, don’t you think?”

She breathed in.

“I couldn’t sleep. So I thought I might as well do something productive.”

He nodded. She turned to look at him, but she couldn’t quite read his face. Was he insinuating what she thought he was? Or was this all in her head? If he thought she was involved, he was probably crazy. She just laid out all this evidence to prove her client innocent, and possibly even helped point to the real killer, yet he thought she might be the guilty one?

“Did you happen to purchase anything from this hypnotist?”

“No, I don’t have that kind of money… and besides, i-if I am right, I don’t know if I would want to get anything from her.”

“Mhm.”

Her dopey smile and blush was gone by the time she handed the copied image to Mulder.

“I’m not sure about the legality of this…”

“Don’t worry. I’ll deal with it.”

She was a bit angry when they left. B/f/n was a bit confused walking in.

“What happened?”

“Ugh! The stupid FBI is involved in the case now. They wanted to see some stuff.”

She tilted her head to the side and her nose crinkled in disbelief.

“The FBI?”

“I don’t know either! Just… help me pick up these papers. Actually, don’t! I need to make sure they’re all in order before court in a few days!”

She nodded as Y/n began to put everything as they were supposed to be.

“...that guy was kind of cute.”

She sighed.

“I thought that, too. But actually, he’s a dick.”

[night-is-a-feeling]

Hii maia! top 5 fashion history facts (idk if that’s a good question but I guess u mentioned liking fashion history once so... skdjsjds) hope you’re doing great! 💕

omgosh sage! i’m so sorry this took me so long, this is an incredible hard question, and i’m so glad you asked it 🥺 this is going to be long and ranty i’m sure.

1. i wanna talk about trompe l’oeil, elsa schiaparelli, rationing during wwll, and inventive women at the time.

okay so this is like both a history story and a fact, i guess? so basically my love, my fav Elsa Schiaparelli was a brilliant fashion designer in the 1930s who was fascinated and heavily involved in the surrealist art movement. she was famous for designing on the intersection of fashion and art through surrealism. she was one of the first to play with the trompe l’oeil (trick the eye) technique within fashion, before this it was mainly used as an art technique. you know those shirts that have a peter pan collar? or a bow on the neckline? but they’re not real, it’s just stitching that creates an image of a bow? that’s what she was creating in the 30s. now the reason i told her story, is because her experimentation with trompe l’oeil and surrealism, left for an interesting fact from the 40s! during WWll most fabric was rationed, as most of it was needed for the war efforts, this radically changed the fashion industry. during this time it was still considered immodest for a women to be seen with bare legs. BUT the nylon that was used to create their pantyhose and stockings, was being heavily rationed. so they had to get creative. and these genius women realized that no one would notice if they just started painting the appearance of the seams in pantyhose up the backs of their legs. so that’s how they got through the war time, maintaining their modesty using the art of trompe l’oeil, while also baring their legs for all to see.

2. the originations of the “witchy” aesthetic and costume.

this is something i just read about and it blew my mind!! it’s one of the many fashion history things though that are both fascinating and deeply upsetting. so the basics are that for thousands of years, women were the brewers of the times. they were responsible for brewing all of the ale and beer consumed. this was a job they took on that afforded them freedom and a sense of independence, as they did not need men to accomplish this job. many widowers became brewmasters as a way to support themselves financially. now many of these women sold their brews at markets, and to be quickly identified they would wear large pointed hats, this help them be spotted and identified as having beer from far away. this isn’t the only identifiable iconography that we now associate with witches. they also hung brooms on their doors to signify that they had ale for sale, they kept cats to keep mice out of their product, they transported their brews in cauldrons, and relative to the times, they of course wore long dresses, often accompanied with draped cloaks. the change came in the 1500s when men realized they could profit off the production of beer, and began a long tradition of pointing to these women and yelling “witch” the occupation quickly became a death sentence for women to engage in. so that’s why our image of witches is actually just of old badass women brewmasters!

3. the gendering of pink and blue

it’s possible you’ve heard before that for many years the gendered ideas of these colours were swapped and also held very little prominence on our psyche. the thought was that pink was derived from red therefore it was a more passionate colour and blue was a more delicate, natural colour. it is also well documented that this kind of colour gendering was insignificant. that is until after WWll when the advertisement and sales generation took off. EVERYTHING was deeply ingrained with capitalism (still is),and everyone was buying into it. this girls wear pink, boys wear blue idea. was started by a department store that wanted to sell more product. and by gendering their products they were able to massively convince the western world that you had to subscribe to these ideals. it’s the norm after all. this forced the hand of many parents to buy more product just to support the idea of gender. baby boomers were the first generation to grow up in gender specific clothing before the age of 6.

4. monograms and louis vuitton

this is way more an origin story than a fun fact... sooo we all know the famous louis vuitton monogram, i’m sure most of us could point one out on the street. BUT maybe less commonly known is that LV is the creator of the modern monogram, and was somewhat the fashion originator of branding of this type. LV was originally just a trunk maker, he built and revolutionized the luggage industry. he invented a new waterproof canvas fabric to use for his trunks, essentially declaring leather as a terrible choice, because it made your clothes smell weird. (most of LV bags to this day are still made from this canvas and not leather) and because of the waterproof nature of his trunks, he was able to build them as perfect boxes that were stackable (easier for travel), whereas a domed top was always the way before. with this fame, came MANY counterfeits. so he worked to create a print that would separate his work from those of the counterfeits. eventually the counterfeit designers caught on, and made theirs with the same print. this went on for three rounds before louis passed away in 1892 and his brand was left to his son george, who ran into the same counterfeit issues. so george created an intricate multi faceted monogram print, that would become so synonymous with louis vuitton, that it is still the most recognizable monogram in the fashion world. what is so fascinating to me about this origin story, is that people today will look at a LV bag and immediately think “fake” so it’s really funny to me that this house that spent its first 40 years working SO HARD to be unique and decidedly not fake, and yet still to this day people think FAKE! immediately upon seeing that monogram.

5. bathing machines, and bathing costumes

ummm help! this is one of the funniest things, but also somewhat upsetting. okay so the history of bathing suits is intensely intricate and seeped in misogyny. and this fact is not any different. now there are many instances of these being used in the early to mid 1700s within europe, which makes more sense because at the time bathing in the nude was a commonality. and these offered modesty. however!!! they remained prevalent within europe and mainly england well into the 1800s even after bathing costumes became the norm. basically these modesty protectors, were small huts that were built on carriages. women would come to the beach, walk up the steps into one of the available bathing machines, change into her swimming costume. and you’ll never guess what happens next!! the fucking carriage is pulled into the water by horses! this was so that the women could slip straight out of the changing room directly into the water, and not a soul had to see the immodesty and immorality that was a women in a swimming costume. ya know, even though the swimming costume was a head to toe thick wool covering. even that was ✨immodest✨ anyways please google these, because genuinely i cannot believe they are real.

ask me my top 5 or top 10 anything

[a-dorin]

aftershock | maul

word count: 2.121k 

warnings: angst, cursing, professor/student relationship, age gap 

a/n: i know it’s been about a little over a month or so since i last updated this series, but here we are with a new chapter! the first seven can be found here, whether you want to start from the beginning, or need a refresher! thank you all for the endless love & support on this series. it truly means so much <3 enjoy :))

you can find the ardor playlist here! 

summary: after a singular phone call, it takes every fiber of your being to maintain your composure. however, you’re not the one who explodes. 

“what was that all about?”

his eyes narrowed, brow furrowing, “you eavesdropped, didn’t you?”

clenching your jaw, you shake your head, desperate to fight the tears springing into your vision, “you told me that you had zero interest in the position in the first place. all of the sudden you’re all buddy-buddy with fucking palpatine. what do you really want, maul? are you going to accept the position if you get it?” 

“(y/n),” for a second, your fury dissolved as you noticed the defeat inflected in his voice, “please, we just got into it last night. i really don’t want to go through that again.”

his hand rested on his temple, fingers rubbing soothing circles into his crimson flesh as he stood in the doorway of the refresher, leaning against the frame. letting out a shaky breath, you fought to maintain your composure, tears streaming down your cheeks. 

“i-i’m sorry. i’m sorry, maul.”

“sorry?” the zabrak’s lips curled into a sneer, growl bubbling up in his throat, “sorry for what? are you apologizing for being so fucking selfish about this? i would have at least expected a ‘congratulations babe!’ or some bullshit like that before you hounded me with all of these questions. and before you pester me about the subject any further, yes, i am going to take the position if it’s offered to me.”

“b-but you love being a professor.. you love teaching,” you trailed off, the words broken with sobs, “i thought you despised palpatine.”

“i’m also almost thirty-two years old,” he countered, venom seeping into his words, “i have to make a decision about my future before it’s too late. i was led to believe that this would be an exciting new opportunity for me. not only would i be earning more, but i would be the one able to make change instead of the one yearning to make the change.”

“well congratulations,” you mumbled under your breath, “i hope you’re happy.”

“i am,” he nodded, his eyes smoldering embers, “i’m proud of myself for making it this far in the application process when dozens of other professors and other faculty applied.”

“i think i’m going to go for a bit,” swallowing thickly, you sucked in a breath, “i’ll just text you or call you later.”

“okay.” 

“just okay?” pausing for a moment, you just stared at him, a fresh batch of tears blurring your vision. 

“yes,” he growled, “just okay. go. leave, since you want to so badly.”

a sob bounced off the walls of the hallway as you scurried out of his apartment, strands of hair plastered to your heated cheeks. a part of you was hopeful, urging you to look back. to see if he was there, chasing after you, pleading for you to stay. 

inhaling a shaky breath, your head tilted a few degrees, swiveling towards your shoulder. 

in that moment, your heart nearly shattered, a gut-wrenching wail erupting from your lips. 

the hall was nothing but a stretch of an endless array of doors, the sterile light flickering, the hum of the elevator whirring through the building. 

the zabrak was nowhere in sight, leaving you in the hall, all alone, with nowhere else to go. 

no one else to turn to but the empty space around you. 

******

“so,” a togruta settled into a stool, folding her arms across the table, “was there a reason you called me?”

your gaze flickered towards the viewport, sheets of rain pounding against the pavement, citizens fighting their way through the monsoon, headlights and taillights of cars glowing in the night, “i wanted to apologize, ahsoka.”

“and you didn’t invite barriss?” her eyes widened, lips pursing, “or, was that on purpose?”

“i have an odd feeling about her,” you muttered, bringing a mug of hot chocolate to your lips, “i was at ma-- i happened to be at his place tonight and i eavesdropped on a conversation.”

“from the look of it, it wasn’t a good conversation,” a frown crept onto the togruta’s lips, “listen, (y/n), i was never that upset over your relationship with maul. i guess i was more frustrated with the lies. if you were honest with me from the beginning, i would have been a lot more supportive.”

“i guess i was nervous,” the words were barely audible as you swirled a spoon around in the mug, avoiding eye contact, “i didn’t want anyone to know because of the risks. if he got fired, or terminated, or whatever it is that would happen, i wouldn’t be able to forgive myself.”

“hey,” her hands crept across the table, resting on top of yours, “i’m your friend, (y/n). you can trust me. what’s most important is that he makes you happy. i know how cliche and stupid it sounds, but it’s true. and i mean it.”

“i didn’t know ahsoka tano was such a sap.”

“only for my friends,” your heart swelled, brimmed with joy as you picked out the sincerity inflected in her voice, a small smile stretched across her lips, “by the way, how is he? we just haven’t spoken to one another in a few days so i wanna know how things are going. is he a dreamboat? i wanna know everything!”

“we’re fighting right now.”

“oh shit,” ahsoka breathed, “i’m so sorry i didn’t mean--”

“no,” you shook your head, “i’m not sure if i can tell you what it was about, though.”

“oh come on. you have no idea how much gossip i hear from the saber team, along with my dad and his rugby boys. i don’t kiss and tell.”

fidgeting in your seat, you drew in a deep breath, “well, it’s not any shock that president palpatine is retiring after this year, as it’s a well-known matter on campus. but, he’s in the process of selecting a replacement. it just so happens that my boyfriend is one of those candidates.”

“does he really want that kind of position though?” ahsoka queried, sipping on her own coffee, “i mean, i wouldn’t want to be the president of a university or college. it seems like a pretty stress-inducing job.”

“that’s what confuses me,” fingers drummed along the table, your head propped against your hand, “he said that he was never really interested in pursuing the application. palpatine just pretty much applied for him. he got a phone call a couple hours ago stating that he was one of three finalists.”

“oh shit,” ahsoka breathed, “what are you going to do if he does get it?”

“we might have to break up.” 

“do you really think so?” her voice faltered, “i mean, yeah, he would be president but you are a junior. you only have one more year. you’d only have to keep things under wrap for one more year, essentially. after you graduate, you wouldn’t have to hide it anymore.”

“do you know how strange it would be that the president of the university is suddenly in relationship with a student? especially one that recently graduated?”

“i guess you’re right,” the togruta leaned back, slinging an arm over the back of the stool, “so tell me, why didn’t you invite barriss?”

“so now you’re asking me the hard questions?” you teased. 

“she’s my friend,” she shrugged, “did something else happen that i wasn’t aware of?”

letting out a sigh, you bit your lip, “well, when maul was on the phone, palpatine mentioned that an anonymous source filed a report that maul and i were involved in a relationship beyond the classroom. yeah, there were instances in the classroom where maul and i flirted, but it was nothing too drastic. not anything substantial enough to bring it to palpatine’s attention. there are only three people who know, including you, ahsoka. there’s this inkling in my head that perhaps barriss was the one who filed the report.”

the togruta’s eyes narrowed with intrigue, “and you don’t think rex had anything to do with it?” 

“he wouldn’t have. i know he wouldn’t have done that. not to me, not to anyone, for that matter. he isn’t the type to spread rumors.”

“rex is a good guy,” ahsoka mused, “as much as i would hate to admit it, i think you’re right.”

“you think barriss snitched?”

ahsoka stuck out a hand, “to her, it wasn’t ‘snitching.’ in her mind, it was the right thing to do. she’s all about valor and righteousness, in every aspect of her life. the moment her suspicions were confirmed, she would have addressed it to the proper authority.”

“but why did she wait until now? why not inform palpatine months ago in october, when things first started?”

“maybe she knows about his application,” the togruta fished her phone from her hoodie, thumbs gliding across the screen, “she works in the same office as palpatine, as an intern.”

“so that means she would have received word about the applicants before anyone else.”

“exactly,” ashoka nodded, “she would have known before any other department because she fucking works there. what a conniving little bitch.”

“ahsoka!”

“sorry,” she grumbled, focus still fixated on the screen, “that shit just pisses me off. your relationship with maul wasn’t bothering me. i’m not sure why she snuck behind our backs like that. if i was aware of her plan, i would have told you right away.”

“wait, was it that easy to tell that maul and i were dating?”

“i knew the day after that party,” her eyes gleamed with amusement, “trust me, it wasn’t difficult to see that the two of you were hooking up.”

“well great,” you rolled your eyes, sinking into your own sweatshirt, “i bet the entire psych class knew.”

“i’m sure they did,” she shot you a wink, “do you want me to talk to barriss? she doesn’t know that i’m here with you. although, i’m not sure how much i could pry from her before she catches on or shuts me down.”

“don’t worry about it for now,” you waved a hand, “i’m just relieved that you don’t hate me.”

“hate you? i could never hate you for something as silly as dating your professor.”

“you were certainly irritated that day you confronted me about it,” you remarked, the buzz of your phone against your thigh piquing your curiosity.

“i was just caught up in the heat of the moment.”

plucking your phone from your pocket, your throat tightened as the notification illuminated your screen. 

i’m so sorry for lashing out. can we talk? please?

“is loverboy on his knees begging for forgiveness?” ahsoka leaned over the table, her forehead nearly brushing yours, “oh shit. how predictable. are you going to go over there or--”

“i’m not sure.”

“maybe you should,” the togruta nudged you gently, “maybe you guys will kiss and make up. and then maybe some more--”

“ahsoka.”

“sorry, sorry,” she snorted playfully, “i’m just trying to help lighten your mood.”

“the rain outside is no help.”

“i bet,” her voice softened, “do you wanna come back with me to my place? you’re more than welcome to stay the night. barriss went home for the weekend.”

“i’d like that. if i’m not wrong, rex is with the guys tonight. i would much rather not come to an apartment full of guys.”

“guys are gross anyways,” the togruta’s nose wrinkled, “well, do you want to head out? you can borrow my comfiest sweats, take as long as you want in the shower, and even eat all of my snacks. oh! we can find a movie on netflix or hulu!”

“i would love that,” your lips curved into a broad grin, “i’m so happy that you forgave me, ahsoka.” 

the togruta’s smile mirrored your own, “of course i’d forgive you. i missed you, (y/n).”

“and i missed you.” 

“let’s go out into this monsoon,” she chuckled, slipping out from the stool. 

rising to your feet, you followed her lead, chirping a goodbye to the barista at the counter. throwing your hood over your head, your heart lurched as the smell wafted into your nostrils. 

the hoodie clinging to your frame was far too big, draping to about mid-thigh, the color an inky black, university logo stitched in royal blue and pearly white lettering, spanning across your chest.

the scent of his cologne lingered, faint traces of cinnamon and other heady spices. 

maker, did your heart ache. 

and gods, did you want to be wrapped up in his embrace, snuggled against his chest, watching the rain fall, pattering against the viewport, cozy and content from the thick waves of body heat. 

but he made a choice. 

and that choice carried consequences. 

his harsh words were like an earthquake, shaking you to your core.

bringing nothing but aftershocks along with it.

******

tagged:  @sapphicstars  @maulieber @starflyer-104 @alwayshappysith @doobiwankenooku  @magicalkitkat12  @dartheldur  @princessayveke @multifandombtch  @spaghetti-666  @lis-ard  @swimmingsloths @sithmando  @mother-0f-monsters @bonniewinchester @bonesaldente @maidofsionis @bespectacled-bunny @arsonistvoyager @tinalbion @nottodaysatan-8866 @vei-saretti @maybe-your-left @isabewwwa @aki-iko @corrupt-fvcker @ranoutofideas71 @giveusbackourbucky @lonelyhxx @zabrak-cuddles @obiorbenkenobi @lilith-alistar @laorme34 @obiwankenobiness​ @elegantdeergladiator @lydiainthenetherworld @javierpenaspinkshirt​ @the-516th​

[syms-things-5]

Clear The Area - Chapter Seventeen

Previous Chapter Here

Warnings: Strong language and an air of discomfort.

Notes: I hope this reads OK as it’s quite dialogue-heavy.

Tags: @kelbabyblue @jennmurawski13

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN 

The night shifts weren’t all bad. From time to time, they were even as good as “pretty straight forward”. They proved especially useful when trying to finish patient notes and random admin that always got left to the very end of the shift. Perhaps they’d endure a tidy-out of the stock cupboards if the crew was feeling generous. Since O’Brien had taken up his post at the hospital years earlier, he had insisted upon mandatory training updates for the ER units every three to four months (the national average was about once a year) so the team were regularly reminded not to set fire to their computers and not to leave boxes in places people could trip over. You’d be surprised how often both those things happened in an emerging crisis. 

“I swear he thinks we’re idiots half the time.” Complained Jack, his head now glued to the palm of his hand. Jack was hurtling towards an early retirement thanks to an ever-increasing distrust of the corporate environment ER departments found themselves in. We trained to save lives, he’d say, not file stat reports. He was so right, it hurt. 

The crew was sat round the reception desk. The ER was empty except for a local homeless man the team allowed in from time to time to sleep off his latest drunken adventures. 

“Who doesn’t know how to bend their knees when lifting something heavy?” Jack asked again. 

“Ryan for one.” Sarah joked, pointing her cold cup of tea towards the fellow nurse in question. Ryan was a tall and skinny guy, not dissimilar to Alexander Skarsgard in the right light but with less charm although he had left a few of the interns swooning of late. Shanna quite liked him, too. 

“One time, Sarah. One time and I suffered for it greatly.” Ryan remarked, spinning a full 360 in his swivel chair. “Did you tick ‘agree’ or ‘strongly agree’ for question eleven?” 

“Oh, if you don’t tick ‘strongly agree’ even if you only ‘agree’, they mark you down a couple of percentage points.” Entered Audrey, slamming down a pile of files on the desk beside Sarah. Their nightly routine just got more interesting. “Just get it over with. It’s not worth the effort. It’s just O’Brien being obsessed with stats again. He turns everything into a competition. I swear it’s unhealthy.”

Ryan looked momentarily confused before returning to face his computer screen. He re-read the question for the fifth time and rubbed his eyes in resignation. Something about 3am made this far too complicated. 

“When did you even find time to do this, Aud?” Jack asked, turning back to Sarah and Audrey in time to witness their shared look self-satisfaction. “I’ve been sat here for half an hour and am still only part way through the first section.” 

“I logged in at home earlier.” she responded before catching Sarah’s quizzical look. “Well, Michael did most of it for me.” 

“Fucking hell!” exclaimed Jack, chucking his pen on the table, giving up. “Got no chance then, have I? Michael’s a bloody genius. Hey, how much for him to do mine?” 

“Normally I’d say $100 but he’s pretty cheap these days.” shrugged Audrey. “Probably a fancy cigar would do.” 

“He still grumpy about the you-know-what?” whispered Sarah to her friend when the guys started joshing between themselves. 

Audrey leaned back on the desk beside her and took the mug from Sarah’s hands to take a sip, grimacing slightly at the sweetness. For some reason, Sarah had to have at least three sugars in her tea if she was drinking it post-midnight. It helped to keep her more alert apparently. She didn’t drink it like that at any other time of the day. “No more than usual. Seems like we’re both unlucky in that department at the moment.” 

Sarah smiled at her in acknowledgement, lips thin before biting the inside of her cheek. 

Following their last meet-up, Chris had been decidedly quiet. Too quiet almost. It was weird. He hadn’t messaged her. He hadn’t called or visited their apartment except to collect a parcel he had left. Sarah has been out for a run at the time and had felt silently glad to have missed him. He hadn’t updated his twitter and there had been multiple sports events occurring that would have guaranteed a humblebrag or five. Shanna had pledged to buy rib-eye steaks for a Saturday night meal during a Celtics game and he had cancelled at the last minute citing an interview he had conveniently forgotten. Even Audrey thought it was weird. If anything was guaranteed to get his attention and bring him out of whatever funk he was in, it was the promise of sports and a ‘Grade A’ barbeque. 

Shanna merely put it down to his laziness or him having something better turn up. Scott had started replacing Chris around their apartment, wanting to get some of his own distance from the tricky Zach situation and it helped her feel better knowing he was at least in touch with him if Shanna wasn’t. He was evidently still alive. 

Sarah decided to swap a couple of daytime stints to partner up with Audrey for the nights. She needed the comfort of working with a good friend to calm her down from whatever ledge her anxiety had placed her on. 

“You know that he’ll come back, right?” Audrey interrupted her thoughts. Maybe Sarah spoke too soon. “Haven’t you got that birthday thing for Lisa coming up?” 

That trip was a couple of weeks away yet. She was trying to bank some reasonable excuses but everything sounded lame in the cold light of day and Lisa was never going to accept her not coming as well. Surely things would have smoothed themselves out by then? 

“This won’t just fix itself, hun, you’ll need to speak to him eventually. And the sooner the better.” 

It was like Audrey had a hotline straight into Sarah’s psyche. It was unnerving at the best of times. Sarah knew she was right of course. It’s just, a little bit of distance would be a good thing, right? Even Chris himself had offered that advice from time to time, and stressing herself out at this point almost seemed counterintuitive. 

“I reckon you could go in an hour or so if you wanted.” Audrey offered, nudging her friend with her elbow to bring her back into the room. “It’s dead out there.”

“I hope not.” Sarah joked, trying to lighten the mood. “We’d be shit at our jobs if that was the case.” 

Audrey laughed for the first time since Sarah could remember that day. It was moments like this that reminded her of why she enjoyed working alongside her so much, and why she didn’t mind if it resulted in overtime. 

“You wanna take patient referrals while I take the EPRs?” 

“How can I refuse an offer like that?” Sarah picked up the dozen or so documents sat in front of her and grabbed the nearest chair. Audrey told her she’d put the kettle on and nudged the guys still glued to their screens. Ryan had pretty much given up logical thinking and was now ticking random boxes. Jack was cursing under his breath. O’Brien was going to be in for a real treat when he could finally tabulate the responses. 

It was nearing 6.20am when Sarah and Audrey finally packed up to go. Matt and Stephanie had just arrived to take over for the morning, bringing a fresh perspective for the day. There wasn’t much for them to catch up on so it should be a smooth few hours at least. Sarah even ran a mop through the staff locker room as an added gift – Steph was a notorious clean freak – nearly tripping Greg up in the process. 

He’d been on leave for the past fortnight and his hair was a little longer than she remembered. A five o’clock shadow graced the lower part of his face and it suited him more than she thought it would. He had kept up with the informal tie-less attire and he seemed to be, dare she it, enjoying himself. 

“God, I’m so sorry.” She held her hands up in a mock mea culpa. “I was just gonna put it away before heading out. It was a stupid place to leave it.” 

“Did you not take the Health and Safety refresher?” he joked, rebalancing himself and trying to play down the redness creeping into his cheeks from the embarrassment of temporarily losing his footing in front of her. 

“You gonna rat me out to O’Brien? ‘Cos you know as well as I do that he doesn’t need yet another reason to know he’s right.” She shifted the mop and bucket and placed them back in the supply closet before reaching for her bag again. 

“Nah, don’t worry about it.” He moved passed her before turning to face her again. “Tell you the truth, I ghosted the last couple of tabs myself. Who knew there were so many ways to ask questions about standing in elevators?” 

Sarah rolled her eyes in acknowledgement. “Yeh. I can’t wait to have the team meeting when he realises we’ve all pretty much done the same thing. That’s gonna be fun. I might finally take some of my holiday.” 

“Yeh, good plan. Hey listen,” His words stopped her in her tracks, feet from the exit. “Um, I know it’s been a while but I was wondering if you might want to reschedule that tennis match some time? Or if not, we could get some dinner or something? There’s that new sushi place on Reagan Street. It’s meant to be really good if you fancy it?” 

She was indeed familiar with that very restaurant thanks to the glowing reviews she had been unable to avoid since it opened. Audrey had only mentioned it a mere thousand times in her presence. Word was that bookings were now months in advance so she wasn’t sure how Greg was hoping to find a table unless he wanted to make plans with her in November. Given the number of commitments he always appeared to have going on, it wouldn’t be completely outside the realm of possibility. 

“Wow, I thought that place was fully booked?” 

“Yeh, it is, but I went to college with one of the investors and he’s promised me a one-off.” 

Of course he did. Sarah bit her bottom lip to stop herself from chuckling out loud, imagining Audrey’s face when she would inevitably find out. To be honest, she was genuinely surprised he was still showing a minor interest in her. When she finally made eye contact with him, his earnestness was practically shining. Had he always had perfect skin?  

“Um…” That was a good start, she thought. 

“Honestly, it’s not a big deal if you’d rather not.” He helpfully pre-empted her awkward rejection but she wasn’t sure if that was a good thing. “I’ve been meaning to go is all and I knew you liked sushi and figured it might be fun? They have live Jazz on Sunday nights.” 

When did he find out she liked sushi? And live Jazz? Just how much had Audrey told him about her? 

Realising she probably looked perplexed, she shuffled her shoulder strap back up onto her shoulder and tried to relax the awkwardness setting in between them. It was still quiet and no one was within earshot that she could figure out of her peripheral vision. 

“It’s not you, Greg, I promise. It’s just, I’m not really looking to get into anything right now. With anyone. Plus, we work together and…I’m sorry. I hope that’s OK?” 

“Hey, look, I promise it won’t be awkward. There’s absolutely no expectations from me and if you change your mind, just let me know, yeh? I literally know no one else who likes Sashimi so I can’t waste my only chance to get a table.” He chuckled and she felt more at ease. 

“If it’s any consolation, I’m a pretty crap date.” She smiled at him as she edged herself down the hall, putting space between them both literally and figuratively. “You wouldn’t be missing out.” 

“Oh, I doubt that somehow.” He returned her smile. “I’m serious, though. Just let me know. Anytime. No expiration date.” 

And with that, she had been left dumbfounded by two men in the space of a single week. 

* 

It would have been easier to get the early morning bus home at this time, as tired as she was starting to feel. She hadn’t slept well in the last few days and she had a creeping nausea from the lack of proper rest. The walk and crisp, fresh air might do her some good. It was practically full daylight even at this hour, and it was sometimes fun to watch people on their own way to work, huffing along, trying not to drop their coffees. 

The out-of-town school bus passed her a few minutes out from her apartment and as she rounded the corner, she got this weird sense that someone was watching her. Another corner turned and she could see her building in the near distance. Still, she couldn’t shake it. She stopped, pretending to fumble for her phone in her pocket and turned around swiftly to see a sweaty Chris stop a few steps behind her. 

It took her a moment to register it was in fact him, his beard fuller and a Red Sox cap pulled down low over his eyes. He had sweats and sneakers on and looked like he was on a run. Honestly, if someone else had spotted him from this distance, they would have worried he was going to attack her. 

“Hey,” she said, turning to fully face him. “What are you doing out at this time?” 

He didn’t respond at first. He shuffled from one foot to the other before grounding himself and taking a couple of steps towards her. Again, he shuffled back a step like he was rethinking his move. She didn’t appreciate seeing him like this, so unsure of himself. 

“Five months out from filming some pre-shoots so figured I’d make a start.” He finally spoke. Not a really a smile but he at least sounded OK. 

“Cool.” She said, nodding back at him. “Um, I’m not sure if Shanna is awake yet but do you want to come inside for some water or coffee?” 

“Yeh, that’d be great. Thanks.” 

She turned to continue walking on. For a few long moments, he stayed walking slightly behind her. A couple more strides and he had decided to catch up. The last time it had taken this long to walk this same street, she had been so drunk she had narrowly avoided falling into her neighbour’s front garden. 

“Five months? You’re not that out of shape.” She tried to make a joke. It was the only thing she could think of. Audrey would be eye-rolling like a champ if she could see them now. 

Chris knew she was trying to make small talk now so he decided to indulge her. It was a fair response, he thought - he was doing OK - as he followed her up the stairs deliberately keeping two or three behind her in an effort to keep it casual. 

“Oh, y’know. I fluctuate pretty easily. A few pizzas here and there and it’s game over.” 

They walked into her kitchen and she had been right in assuming Shanna was still asleep. Unless she had awoken really early but that was highly unlikely, unless there was a sale at Ted Baker she didn’t know about. 

He lingered in the doorway while she searched the fridge for a bottle of water. Grabbing one from the back, she turned to hand it to him expecting him to be within an arm’s reach from her but he had been distracted by something down the hall before turning back to her. Gratefully, he accepted it and walked into the kitchen to take up his usual spot leaning against the counter. 

“Sorry, did you say you wanted a coffee?” She offered. 

“Nah, I’m good. Can’t really take caffeine until this afternoon.” 

“Sorry. I always forget how strict it is.” She apologised, offering him a sympathetic smile. 

He took a long swig from the bottle, not breaking eye contact from her. “No need to apologise. You OK? Night shift?” 

“Yeh. Pretty quiet, thankfully.” 

“I’ve always meant to ask but what is it like, a night shift? I can’t work out if it would be worse or not.” 

She understood what he meant and laughed. “It can go either way to be honest but it’s been quiet the last few nights. Nothing crazy. I caught up with some paperwork, so…” She shrugged again, acutely aware of how boring she must sound. 

He nodded at her. “Aren’t people supposed to be crazier in the summertime?” 

“Well, kids are around more and families tend to spend more time together, so…” 

The apartment was unnervingly quiet now which was weird. She could hear the uptake in traffic outside which provided some relief that perhaps he couldn’t hear her heart beating out of her chest. She could make out some small sweat patches on his hoodie and it did something to her that she wasn’t expecting. Shaking the thought from her head, she turned to switch the kettle off. 

“What?” He asked. 

She jerked her head back around to face him. “Huh?” 

“You were thinking of something. Your neck just went red.” He smiled, tilting his head at her and relishing the look of surprise making its way over her features, knowing he’d caught her out. 

That was news to her. She knew she had “tells” but a red neck was not usually one of them. How come no one had ever told her about this? 

“I can’t tell if you’re joking with me or not.” She inquired, playfully narrowing her eyes at him in an effort to lighten the mood. 

He shrugged a shoulder at her, a smirk starting to cross his fine features. Joshing with her was good. She’d take that. A small step in the right direction. 

“Sometimes, it’s really obvious. You get it when you’re embarrassed about something, or when you try to lie. I’d never really noticed it before, but...” He paused. His expression started to turn more thoughtful and she wished he’d just continue to make fun of her instead. 

“Guess I won’t be playing poker anytime soon.” She finished the thought for him. 

“Yeh, no, you’d be rubbish at that. Just terrible.” He took another swig from his bottle and waited for her to throw something at him. 

“Thanks.” 

“You’re welcome.” 

The room went quiet again. She stirred her mug of coffee and offered him another chance at one which he politely refused although his discipline was waning slightly now he could smell it. 

“So this is fine.” He said after a couple of minutes, nodding in a slightly exaggerated manner. He looked out of the kitchen window. “We can do this, right? No awkwardness. No embarrassment. Just normal, everyday conversation.” 

“’Course,” she nodded in agreement. 

“Start as we mean to go on, right?” 

She nodded again. This felt like a trap and she couldn’t put her finger on why. Chris had a knack for saying and doing two different things at the same time, an intimidating ability that often put people on edge if he thought it would serve his purpose, whatever that may be. Probably the actor in him. When you called him out, he would aggressively defend himself which only served to prove the point you were making in the first place. 

Scott was the only one, truly, who knew when it was happening. It had taken Sarah years to get to a similar position but now, she wasn’t sure she was remotely close to it. 

“It’s as good a starting point as any, I guess.” She shrugged again, sipping from her cup. 

“So there’s no need to ignore me then.”  

“I haven’t been ignoring you, have I?” 

“You tell me. I’m just pre-empting it is all. I’m just saying we can still interact, you and me, if we need to. Like, it doesn’t always have to be in social settings with other people around.” He took a final drink from his bottle and turned to locate the recycling pot stashed away in the corner. Even with a mundane task, he always looked cool doing it. 

“So don’t worry about it.” 

“Alright then. That’s good to know.” She shot him a raised eyebrow which he caught and returned with a sly smirk. “I’m just trying to be sensible. We have to get this right or else there’s no point.” 

“I know, I get that, too.” If he wasn’t attempting to be serious before, he was now. He had a hand on his hip and seemed to have grown a few inches in height. “What do you think I’m trying to say?” 

“I…think I’m on the backfoot again and it’s weird.” She held a hand up in defence. 

“Hey, I’m just doing what we agreed, OK? I’m just following your rules.” 

“They’re not rules.” She struggled to regulate the volume in her voice in case she disturbed Shanna. “And you’re making it sound like I’m controlling the situation when I’m not. We both agreed on this. There’s no point being difficult about it.” 

Was he being difficult? Yes. Obviously, he was. He wasn’t happy. He wasn’t sure what he was feeling but happy definitely wasn’t it. Things were out of sorts and he hadn’t been able to eat carbs or sugar for four days so the withdrawal symptoms certainly weren’t helping. He should go easier on her. She was doing the thinking for the both of them. He should learn to be more grateful for that. 

He scratched the back of his head and let out an audible sigh in frustration. “I’ll try harder, I promise. We’ve got that cabin thing coming up with Mom, so…I promise I’ll be good.” 

He imitated the scout salute and she smiled at him, a smile not quite reaching her eyes. 

* 

Another night shift and Audrey and was starting to get suspicious. No one willingly switched for a night shift. For one thing, there was a disproportionate amount of recovery time. A couple of night shifts often took in excess of a week to recover from; a week that a nurse definitely did not have to spare. 

“He been buggin’ you?” she asked, finally growing tired of the silence. 

“Who?” Sarah looked up from the cabinet. “No, not really. We haven’t really spoken.” 

“So why are you ignoring him?” 

“I’m not ignoring him! Why does everyone think that?” 

“Who’s everyone?” 

Crap. Audrey had her there. Sarah open and closed her mouth without a sound coming out. She took a breath. “He’s not bugging me. He’s not. I’m just trying to limit the times we’re in the same place at the same time.” 

“Huh, you’d think he would at least allow you to have peace in your own home.”  

“Well, to be fair, he hasn’t been around all that much, but…at least I don’t have to worry about him showing up unannounced. It’s stupid but I feel way more awkward about him than I thought I would. It’s like I can’t even stand to be under his gaze.” 

Audrey glanced at her friend, wishing she could offer some words of comfort. Even for someone as verbose as she normally was, she was finding it a struggle. Sarah wasn’t much looking for words of comfort at the given time either. She was all too aware of the predicament she was in and how much responsibility laid at her feet. In her mind, waiting it out was the only logical solution she could come up with. The only logical solution that didn’t require more conversations with someone who could feasibly run rings around her “theory” that if they just stayed apart for a little while, they would suddenly and magically forget about the past couple of months. 

They stayed filing documents in silence again, the air seemingly getting thicker. 

“You ever spoken with someone and it’s like they’re thinking the complete opposite of what’s coming out of their mouth?” Sarah huffed while shoving the cabinet drawer closed. 

“Not really. That person’s usually me.” 

“But why?” she asked. “Why can’t you just be normal?”  

“I mean, it’s not my go-to response of course. It’s normally reserved for occasions when I am trying to indulge someone because I know they’re talking bullshit. Like, when I know Mike has been gambling but he tries to deny it? It’s just easier to figure him out that way.” 

Sarah froze to the spot, looking at her friend. She breathed a heavy sigh and turned to lean back on the table behind her and crossed her arms. She stared at her shoes for a second. 

“Chris is a smart guy. I’ll give him that.” Audrey muttered loudly so she was sure Sarah could hear. 

“Give me something! I’m your friend here.” She implored her before chuckling to herself at Audrey’s face and her own apparent lack of self-awareness. 

“You know what I think? You’ve probably got withdrawal symptoms from the all the amazing sex you’ve had and now you’re sulking. I think you should get back on that horse and let him fuck you again. That’s what this is.” 

Sarah eyed her friend again. For once, she would love to hear someone tell her that she was right. “That’s really not helping, y’know.” 

“And this is?!” Audrey’s shriller tone cut through the dry air, smacking Sarah right in the face. “Honey, this isn’t healthy. You hiding out in the hospital and treating it like your own solace is not healthy at all. I love you but you are your own worst enemy.” 

“Alright, thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you for your unswerving efforts to be honest with me at all times and not, like a normal pal, be comforting in any way.” Sarah comically bowed to her friend before considering leaving the office. She would have followed through with the idea as well if it wasn’t for the cosy warmth of O’Brien’s office versus the coldness of the ER department thanks to a leaking pipe. “It’s difficult. I’m sorry. I don’t wanna fall out with you, Audrey.” 

Audrey just smiled at her. “I don’t know why you think you have to be the beacon of morality all the time, Sarah. Take a look around. No one else is. We all out here just trying to live our lives as best we can and a part of that is taking advantage of moments of happiness when we find them.” 

Something about what Audrey was saying did resonate with her but comparing two months of happiness with Chris to ten years with Shanna was not something she could in good conscience do. Shanna was her security blanket. She provided a comfort of living with someone with shared life experience, of knowing how little you thought about yourself because you were given up as a baby. Honestly, from the very first day they had met, Sarah felt lucky to know her. 

Yes, Shanna could be immature at times. Maybe a little selfish. She would often get carried away with trivial things and wasn’t the most reliable person, but what Sarah got in return was worth that and more. Her family enjoyed highlighting the maternal care Sarah would have to provide to someone who was seven months older than she was, but honestly it didn’t matter. 

Maybe this was one of the rare occasions where Audrey was wrong. 

Chris was a fling at best, Sarah told herself, when she was lying in bed struggling to fall asleep. When she was cold and missing his arms around her. They were both having shitty times and they both got something out of it. That was what Chris had said himself at the very beginning. 

Chris 08.15am: You home? Shanna said you were working late again 

It was like he knew she would be thinking about him. 

Chris 08.17am: I really dont want u ignoring me all the time. This is hard for me right now as well 

Fuck. 

Sarah 08.21am: I kno. I’m so sorry I made you feel like that :(

He didn’t respond. She thought she saw the tell-tale three dots of him writing something but nothing appeared. Giving up on sleep, she got up and headed into the kitchen. Shanna had left her some bacon in the fridge and a fresh bread bun on the side so she turned on the grill and set about making some coffee. 

She felt strangely awake for this time and the apartment was nice and warm from the bright sunshine streaming in from all corners. Maybe a run would help. Or a cold shower.  

Chris 08.44am: I wanna be honest with u but I dont think u want that 

Chris 08.45am: so what do i do?? 

Fuck knows. 

Chris 08.51am: Can I come over? 

Sarah 08.54am: that’s not a good idea 

Chris 08.55am: cos you know what will happen? 

Chris 08.56am: what does that tell you?? 

She was sure he was nursing some kind of hangover or, quite possibly, he was still a little bit drunk. There were two responses she could give, she figured. The first would be her usual denial and perhaps an excuse that she was busy or working later than planned. The second, and ultimately the one she opted for, was to agree with him. 

Sarah 09.05am: I know what it tells me. That’s why I’m saying you shouldn’t come over 

Another three dots followed. There was only so many times they could go around and around in circles and as much as Audrey’s words made sense to her, it felt like she had to make the effort to regain some normality. 

He didn’t respond. She stared at her phone for an age but nothing came through. Maybe he got the message? Maybe he had fallen asleep. She was both relieved and suspicious; Chris wasn’t someone who backed down from an argument when he thought he was right. He had said as much himself. 

She turned the grill off, having lost her appetite. A run might make more sense and could help clear her head. 

She couldn’t sit around waiting for Chris to make his next move. 

*

[flowerslightning]

Have you heard about PFA and MFA?

or the full name is ‘Psychological First Aid’ (PFA) and ‘Mental Health First Aid’ (MFA)

Can we relate it with Cloud Strife? As we all know, Cloud had mental illness and was struggling alone. Let’s take a quick look on this topic then and see if characters in FF7 ever give PFA/MFA to Cloud or to each other. This is going to be a looooong post although I tried to simplified it, so, yeah. Good luck reading this !

Disclaimer : I’m not a psychologist. I’m still a student and psych is not my major field. During my intern, other than we got exposed a lot about psychiatric disorders and ways to deal with them, we also got trained psychological first aid in emergency department. If it wasnt because of this quarantine, i would have finished my training in emergency field. There might be false interpretation here or there, forgive me for that and pls correct any mistake in this post

This will probably trigger LTD. Sorry, but I had to, Pls read this post with open mind. Keep in mind I like both Tifa and Aerith, i have no grudges agaisnt Barret, Vincent, Nanaki or Cid so I am not being bias with any of them. I forgot a lot of stuff in OG (I played it when I was really really small), so I will be using lots FF7R and AC references here (and a bit from OG, depends whatever I remember)

Good to go? Allow me to rant. Read it slowly and if u skip some of it, u’ll probably mislead my actual words, and u’ll be triggered af. Don’t come at me with madness if u dont read the whole post properly

What is PFA and MFA? Generally speaking, if Basic First Aid is about covering the wound to prevent further bleeding, then PFA (Psychological First Aid) and MFA (Mental Health First Aid) is like applying a bandage on ur mental to avoid u continue being distress. 

Usually, PFA is often associated with disaster event or terrorism, where large number of people got affected. Meanwhile, MFA focus in one person who is developing mental health prob or already in mental crisis due to certain traumas, such as vehicle accident, house burned and etc

 Pls note that, certain people NEED MFA while the others may NOT NEED it. It is important to respect their needs/wants. Some victims may refuse verbally but they ACTUALLY NEED it (CLOUD STRIFE) and maybe some victims look like they dont need it, but they want it, and its super fine to give it

PFA/MFA not only done by the professionals and it is not a professional counselling, although necessarily training is needed if u want to approach deeper in this field. PFA/MFA is also not a psychological ‘debriefing’ - in which MFA/PFA doesnt need to involve a detailed discussion of the trauma event with the victim, but instead, it is an alternative way to psychological debriefing that helps for long-term recovery. (unless if ure a pscyhiatrist, then u have to forget about MFA and ask detailed questions regarding the events to help the patient to recover)

MFA and PFA both almost the same, but I will mention more about MFA here.

MFA (Mental Health First Aid) is not just about comforting “Oh, are u alright. I’m sorry for what u’ve been through”, but it is also about assessing their needs and concerns, protecting them from harm, provide practical support and support them feeling able to help themselves and others.

The main key for these two term is RESPECT - respect victim’s dignity, respect both parties safety and respect victim’s rights to make decision. Even without the PFA, we should respect these three in whatever circumstance we are in. 

A lot of us honestly were born with natural skill of MFA bcause of our own empathy, instinct or experiences and some got trained professionally. Some of them already had MFA due to high common senses they have.  

Some of the Do’s and Dont’s when giving MFA include;

Do’s : 1. Be trustworthy | 2. Respect their decision | 3. Be aware of and set aside ur bias | 4. Make it clear to them u are available for help even they push u away | 5. Respect their privacy and personal space | 6. Do remain calm and soft when the person in distress | 7. Listen and don’t interrupt their talking | 8. Help in terms of basic needs | 9. Create connection the person with others | 10. Give hope to them | 11. Provide private place to talk about the event | 12. Respect their strenght | 13. Advice small necessary matters or give simple words of encouragement | 14. Acknowledge positive features of what victims have done

Dont’s : 1. Rush in whatever the thing theyre doing with u | 2. Be dismissive | 3. Make promises u know can’t keep | 3. Ask anything in return for helping them | 4. Exaggerate ur skills | 5. Force help on people, being pushy | 6. Pressure them to tell their story | 7. Judge that person | 8. Put the person in risk of harm as result of ur actions | 8. Force them to accept ur idea/Listening to ur rant | 9. Talk rough | 10. Being bias with the people | 11. Touching that person too much | 12. Talk with the person in negative terms | 13. Abandon the person’s feeling

To simplify, there are 3 ways for MFA to begin, and I will only talk about one of them, the one that is the hardest to do, that is when u notice someone looks distressed and ure concern about them, and leading u to approach them first without them noticing ur concern. [Am I putting the right words here?]

In Cloud’s case, who do u think the first noticed Cloud behaved oddly and went to help him first ? - yeah Tifa. U probably would say “OFC she went to help him, she met him first at the train station. That guy looked sick af, who wouldnt ask if he was alright. If Aerith/Yuffie/Jessie met him first, they would do the same”. Okay guys, that was not my point. 

Let’s focus one by one characters and see what Do’s and Dont’s MFA (Mental Health First Aid) they’ve done to Cloud and other charas. Keep in mind, none of them know what Cloud had gone through, but Cloud had showed some obvious sign he was unwell and only a few of them noticed that and took action for it. 

The symbol [X] means the Dont’s in MFA and ( ✔) means the Do’s in MFA.

Biggs Jessie Wedge -

I know there’s a thing about man helping man’s psychology and Jessie being flirty with a guy.They [X] thought Cloud was like how they saw Cloud. and they considered it as normal. They didnt see Cloud under distress so they dont have the need to concern his mental status. The good thing about them was, the three of them (✔) respect Cloud’s strenght, giving Cloud the confident to be in action. But, Jessie [X] had zero respect on Cloud’s personal space

I wanna highlight about Biggs. Biggs had an attitude of overthinking stuff, but it wasnt so bad that would cause him harm, he just cared too much about his friends. So I believe Biggs was the type that would notice immediately when his friend being strange and would give MFA (Mental Health First Aid) with his own instinct even without the person asking it.

During the Sector 7 Plate attack, where Biggs was severely injured, when Cloud said he was not a fan of kids and Biggs said Cloud had so much in common (in common of what? Cloud with the kids or Cloud with him?), Cloud gave him ‘a sad look’ and Biggs reached out his hand to Cloud’s head. Biggs (✔) remain calm and soft when dealing with Cloud’s feeling (who faced traumatic event but Biggs didnt know about it) on that moment despite his current physical status. And also he (✔) wished goodluck to Cloud, leading to prevention distress on Cloud

Marle -

Marle [X] judged Cloud for someone who had no skills, but she entrusted Cloud to take care of Tifa’s well being. Not knowing who Cloud was, Marle noticed Cloud looked glum, she (✔) offered her ear for Cloud to rant and knew right away he was not having enough sleep, then (✔) advising him to sleep more . Lol, she was [X] biased with Cloud and Tifa. Not her fault, she only knew Tifa’s story, not Cloud’s. After the Sector 7 plate fall, we saw her being the most active member to help with the remaining citizens there. Marle without a doubt had given the citizens there PFA (Psychological First Aid) , by helping them with their (✔) basic needs, (✔) create connections, (✔) put away bias, (✔) remain calm and soft. 

Barret Wallace -

Barret was the same like Biggs Jessie Wedge. I’m sure Barret thought Cloud was just fine. Barret saw Cloud as a mercenary with stinky attitude,[X] judging him like that causing Barret to gave him the same attitude too. But overall, he (✔) respected Cloud’s strength a lot

However, after the Sector 7 plate fall, Tifa and Barret were the one that hurt (mentally) the most, Tifa as usual locking her emotions, there we could see how Barret comforting Tifa by (✔) giving words of encouragement and proceed on (✔) hugging her to show his empathy. Barret also (✔) remain calm and soft spoken when talking to the survival victims of Sector 7 citizens. He also (✔) acknowledged what the citizens had done to survive

Vincent Valentine - 

Don’t be surprise Vincent was listed here. This guy here was like another version of Cloud but more mature. In addiction, they both kinda share the same pain. So, I personally think Vincent understands Cloud pretty well. In AC, where Cloud was mentally ill, Vincent saved Cloud from Kadaj and brothers and (✔) took him to safer place. That was a common thing to do. But let’s go deeper, Cloud never told him about himself, but Vincent already  (✔) aware of Cloud’s trouble with the geostigma stuff and Cloud’s current mental status. Vincent, (✔) calm and soft like always (✔) didnt hesitate to asked if all of these were just about ‘fighting’ and it made Cloud to ‘re-think’ further about his problem. He (✔) didnt pressure Cloud here, instead he was (✔) helping Cloud to understand the condition he was facing, and this lead Cloud to avoid distress.

Aerith Gainsborough -

I know Aerith was special. She was an important character and devs created her to be ‘loved’ by the fans so that her death would be tragic. Aerith did almost all the things that shouldnt be done when giving MFA to mentally ill person. Some of u may say “Duh, Aerith didnt know anything about Cloud thus she had no intentions of giving him MFA”. Yup, ure right. Aerith didnt know about Cloud’s mental status but so as all the other characters in the series. 

Aerith was [X] being pushy with Cloud, in lots of ways, from making him as a bodyguard for free to forcing him to wear a dress. She [X] forced Cloud to accept her idea about meeting Andrea, dance and gown. She also [X] forced Cloud to help picking the flowers. Aerith [X] didn’t let Cloud to have his own decision [X] neither giving him a chance to talk,  and [X] abandon his feelings (cough..uhm, Aerith resolution). She also had [X] no respect on Cloud’s personal space and [X] too much touching and leaning to him. Aerith also [X] put herself in danger and that worried Cloud.  She [X] looked down on Cloud in someways too

However, at the Sector 5 slum, where the hooded man appeared, Aerith noticed Cloud was having trouble with himself, she (✔) encouraged Cloud to keep himself together. Also, throughout the entire game, Aerith always remind the team to (✔) have hope in everything. Her positive vibrant attitude was what (✔) made everyone able to believe in themselves. She also (✔) ensure Marlene’s safety and protected her. She was able to (✔) remain soft and calm when approaching Marlene. Remember Betty? Aerith took her time to helped her out and she even (✔) respected the little girl’s strength, (✔)slow and steady when saving her and (✔)soft spoken

Tifa Lockhart -

Tifa met Cloud at the train station, saw him being ‘not-so-fine’ state despite Cloud claiming he was completely okay. Tifa didn’t know what Cloud had gone through and  she (✔) didn’t pressure him to talk about it. She even helped him to (✔) find a place to sleep even when Cloud never asked for it. Tifa unconsciously was the first person to give Cloud MFA without knowing what Cloud had faced previously. And Cloud, on that moment, he really needed a help. Tifa also (✔) stated that if Cloud need anything, she would help him with it

Tifa (✔) remain calm everytime Cloud had sudden headache, she didn’t leave him alone and (✔) didnt put any pressure on him by asking question. During the (✔) Alone At Last, they had privacy Tifa asked about what happened after he left Nibelheim. She (✔) listened and didnt interrupt him, (✔) neither pushing him to talk more. Moreover, Tifa (✔) put a distance with Cloud, dunno if she was the one who was being uncomfortable or she actually (✔) respect Cloud’s personal space and privacy. Tifa (✔) didn’t force him to stay at Midgar, she asked him and was glad Cloud would stay for a while. Tifa was no doubt (✔) respect all Cloud’s decisions too. Also, don’t forget, Tifa also helped Cloud to help (✔) make ‘close connection’ with the Avalanche members and people in Sector 7 slums. She also (✔) didn’t do much touching with Cloud (Well, I mean, she didnt touch him in clingy way)

In AC, Tifa (✔) encouraged Cloud to have hope for Geostigma and the family

Tifa did [X] put herself in danger by becoming Corneos bride participant and that gave Cloud trouble (but Tifa ensured him she would be fine on her own previously) And btw, in OG, I read about the fans questioning why Tifa [X] didnt tell Cloud the truth. I would like to argue this matter. TIFA IS A CHARACTER WITH REAL HUMAN FLAWS, she too had her own traumatic event and was not really sure of herself on what to do. However, considering what Tifa had done for him, Tifa had helped with Cloud’s psychology the most.

I know Cloud was putting up a font, and that made him to have condescending attitude, and people couldnt see what Cloud was hiding behind the the bravery face. However, all of us as fans acknowledged the pain Cloud was suffering in the entire FF7 story. Some of the characters like Tifa, Marle, Vincent, Biggs noticed it and they took actions for it, while others, I do personally thing, they were hurting the Real Cloud’s mentality more. 

Long story short, Tifa was the one who gave mental health support the most to Cloud, followed by Vincent (AC), Biggs and Marle. Aerith did the worst with Real Cloud's mentality + she then died, mking Cloud be more miserable,

However, Aerith actually had the best way to give MFA/PFA to children, but maybe the worst to Cloud. While Tifa gave the best MFA to Cloud which helped him to get himself together through out the entire time

Alright thats the end of my talk. Thank you for being with meee

[luvdsc]

Hey Cat!! I hope you're doing well as always ! 💖 AHHHH huhu I closed the form last Sunday since I've collected enough responses dy! (NOOOOOOOO ToT) I got a total of 221 responses at the end of the week, which is 3x the amount I initially needed! :o I'm beyond grateful and appreciative ToT I've cleaned the data and have proceeded to run some data analysis, but I ran into an issue whereby the scores on the subscales are equal (it has never been reported in past studies! :O) so I'm waiting for my supervisor's feedback on how to proceed. Hopefully it's nothing too serious ToT

Hehe finance is interesting indeed! I just started reading a book on finance for young adults (Rich Dad Poor Dad) and I look forward to learning more from the author's tips! The Coursera introductory course has also made financial terms a lil more familiar, even though it's just the basics and it's really helped w my financial literacy 🥺 I can push myself to study but it's also the numbers and calculations I'm worried of cuz I am rly a nong (idiot) when it comes to numbers * - * it runs in the genes I guess AHAHAHAHA my mom and sister aren't good at numbers either keke

Aww I'm glad yr professor made financial accounting enjoyable and a fruitful experience for you! Some lecturers / professors rly just have that spark in them to inspire ppl and I'm blessed to be surrounded by a bunch of em in the psych department!🥺😭 it truly makes a difference and I'm sure we both are living proofs of that!

After debating for a while, I've decided not to take a minor mainly because I'm so tired HAHAHAHAHAHA and I'll just do my own self-studying and exploration whilst working! Go out and explore the world, live life! Whilst ironically still staying in my room because of the COVID-19 situation in our country (cases are abt 20+k every day :') ) My proposal has been finalized and it's been accepted! It's just that some elements of my proposal is also part of my actual report, so I have some guidance to refer to in terms of structure! :3 and yes don't worry! I got plenty (sometimes a lil too much) rest during the sem break whilst remaining productive! Plus, I got to catch up w some friends and had game nights (maybe too much of game nights hehe) and movie nights w my friends which was truly refreshing! Also cuz I might not see a lot of them again after we graduate so we gotta cherish every moment 🥺😭

I'm a freelance graphic designer for my uni's newsletter! Occasionally, they'd ask us to create both the content and design! I'll place the link to my recent work below if you wanna check it out! UwU I'm trying to incorporate the same practices during sem break in my last sem (current sem) too! cuz yes mental health is so so important and I'm just tired of being academically tired you get me? :(

What makes me most trilled abt learning abt psychology is how to apply it in daily life too! I find it so fascinating and awestruck at how relatable and within reach these things are like wow we can be influenced in such ways?? :o can be both good and bad but imma stick w seeing it as the development and evolution of us humans UwU

Also, the vaccine has fixed my sleep schedule HEHE (another perk of getting vaccination :3) I got some rly good rest and managed to reset my usual sleeping time, thank you science ToT oooo I see I see, we've had cases of nurses injecting empty syringes hence the recording :( but GHIOGHWEOGIOHW I could never do that, I can feel the liquid entering me as it is so that's good enough ToT (* plays Love Talk * I can feel it coming)

OMG YOUR ART PIECES ARE SO BEAUTIFUL, ADORABLE AND ELEGANT! 💖🥺🥰 it must've required a lot of hard-work and effort AHHH thankiew for showing me yr work!! it's truly unique in its own manner despite it's simplicity UwU is there a reason or backstory to yr chosen theme and objects? :3

I just Googled Somi Somi and omg that's such an UwU ice cream AHHHH 💖🥺😭 ice cream is my fav food of all time and it looks like an ice cream haven omg imagine eating it after a loooong hard day's of work ToT and OMG THE SATISFACTION OF EATING THAI MILK TEA ICE CREAM ON A HOT DAY YASSS 😋🤤 hehe if you get the chance to try milk & biscoff, do try it! It's amazing !😍 and ooo i haven't tried alcoholic ice cream before but I will one day!! :3 my alcohol tolerance is rly low though, will I get tipsy over alcoholic ice cream? We shall see UwU (i can only drink half a bottle of apple cider before my face gets red and I start getting a lil tipsy + headache)

and lovie....knowing yr school schedule now...OURS IS DEFINTELY BRUTAL OMG a 3 month long sem break huhu that's only the total amount of sem breaks we get in a year ToT i thought uni was hard but not that hard ToT

Always glad and honored to have you onboard! and AHAHAHAH the contractions about to start soon 👀 I enjoy talking to you huhu you're such a sweet and supportive person 💖🥺🥰😙 huhu for my period cramps, I've been having them since I was 12 ToT my doctor prescribed me some panadols but sometimes I can't even swallow them cuz I'd puke them out ToT I've settled w heatpacks to reduce my reliance on medicine, but I finally got some upgraded and safe to eat medicine from my gynae! She said it's fine to take it every month to keep my womb healthy and apparently my ms. lil uterus is suffering from inflammation, hence the super crazy bedridden cramps :( the upgraded medicine worked for a while, but after time it kinda didn't help either :/ but I realised that exercise rly does wonders to reduce the cramp too (gynae also recommended exercising) so i take walks and do my back stretches more frequently now! my period in the previous months (2 months ago) have been almost painless and bearable, it's so weird not seeing my bedridden ._. when I was in high school, there would always be a day in every month in which I don't attend classes, and that's solely because of my cramps. It just isn't worth suffering in school, plus we don't have a sick room :/ I hope the pain continues to subside! ToT

And ayy internship is also working experience, yr advice would be of great help to me regardless! 🥺 oh yes, I always remind myself that interviews are similar to the speaking test I took for my Cambridge English exams! That kinda help calm my nerves down a lil, but w nerves comes bigger smiles, so I guess it takes on a rather practical form of coping mechanism (sublimation) AHAHAHAHA

WAAAA WHAT A QUEEN you got an offer from every interview?? I aspire to be like you! 💖🥺🥰 huhu skill wise I believe I have lots to prepare esp in terms of case studies, and I perform rly poorly on certain assessments (*ehem * esp those concerning numbers) so I took the chance to study a lil during sem break too ToT but noted on that! I will work on that too and try to maintain that me element in interviews and overall just be myself keke

That's all from me for now! Imma wait for my supervisor's feedback and journey on w my last semester. Bon voyage! Link to my recent work: https://www.instagram.com/p/CTBqGzjr6sN/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link Other works: https://www.instagram.com/p/CPpv-IyM7Gi/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link https://www.instagram.com/p/CL55EG-MbL2/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

hi hello honey bee !!! 💓 omg i'm so sorry for the belated response, i finally got on my laptop 😭 i'm gonna put my response under the cut since it got a little long 🤧

omg 221 responses !!!!! that's so many 🙀 congratulations aaaaa it's amazing that you were able to get 3x the data you needed !!! was it difficult to run data analysis? were you able to solve the issue with the equal scores on the subscales? i hope it didn't create too much additional work for you ):

omg yes finance is really interesting! i enjoyed the classes i took for it :') how is rich dad poor dad? did you learn a lot from it? i know it was a book my prof recommended, but i never got around to reading it 😶 did you learn any helpful tips? and ooo i'll have to look into coursera! yeah, there's quite a lot of terms for finance, and it can be a little intimidating paired with all the math formulas and such, but it's pretty useful imo! how are your financial studies going so far? 💕 omg nong is such a cute word?? i would never think it meant idiot asdkfhlkajsdf omg my whole family is good at numbers and really like math, but i didn't like it 😭 my mom made me study it a lot everyday though rip are the financial calculations getting easier for you as you practice more hopefully?

yessss omg i absolutely agree with this!!!! like you can just feel when a professor loves to teach and is genuinely so excited to talk about their subject, and it just makes the most boring horrible subject into something you learn to enjoy and hate less :') and i'm really happy to hear you have tons of professors like that in the psych department 🥺💗

that's great to hear!!!! 🌷🌷 i'm glad that you're prioritizing yourself and your health, which is so much more important than taking on a minor. what fun subjects have you decided to explore and self study so far? 💞 oh my gosh, the rising cases are so high?? i hope it's gotten better there for you ): are you able to go outside yet?

big congratulations on your proposal being finalized and accepted, lovebug !!!! 🥳🥳 i'm very proud of you and hoping one day i can read your published studies in a scientific journal :') aaaa i'm so glad to hear that you got to rest and enjoy your time with your friends!! i definitely feel that omg i regret all the times i skipped out on movie nights or game nights with my friends because now we're all scattered across the country and the only way we can have them again is over zoom calls 🤧

I SAW YOUR DESIGNS AND THEY'RE GORGEOUS OMG I LOVE THEM SO MUCH !!!! 💖 I'M IN AWE AAAA IF PSYCH DOESN'T WORK OUT, I HOPE YOU BECOME A GRAPHIC DESIGNER 🤩🤩💖 and yes i totally get it ): i really felt the academic burn out when i was in college and it was really difficult at times 🤧 but i hope it's going better for you nowadays, sweetpea 💝💝

omg yeah i absolutely agree !!!! whenever i read about psychology, i keep it in the back of my mind and then when i see something irl that relates to it, i'm like :O amazing. it's so cool to learn about different psych tricks too and see how it works when you test them out yourself and whatnot. and it's really crazy to see how the human brain is so easily influenced at times ??? it truly is an amazing subject !!!

ah what a great side benefit of the vaccine - a better sleep schedule 🤩 i'm happy to hear that your schedule has been fixed 💘 and omg what ??? they're injecting empty syringes wth ????? 😭 that's absolutely horrible, are they getting sued?? lmaooooo that love talk reference askdfhlaksjd

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR KIND COMPLIMENTS 😭😭💗💗 there were many late hours spent in the art studio to finish them, but i'm really happy with the end products :') i thought light bulbs are an interesting subject to do, and my prof said that cutting out circular objects or sculpting them is the most difficult since they're made up curves and not straight lines and i was like ok bet i'm gonna do it aND I'M SO GLAD I DID BECAUSE I REALLY LIKE THEM 🥺 and i love honey bees !!! that's why i decided to paint them and we were supposed to paint them in a combined style of two artists so i tried monet's impressionist style with the short brush strokes and pop art triptych style like marjorie strider 💕

somi somi is sooo good and i just had it again a couple weeks ago :') omg ice cream is your favorite food? :o and YES ice cream is so satisfying after a long day of hard work, like it's such a nice reward to look forward to at the end of day ✨ aaaaa i have to try thai milk tea ice cream one day now !!!!! it sounds amazing 🤩 and YES i must look for places that sell milk & biscoff ice cream !! i have milk ice cream from somi somi, but i need to try to combined flavors 💘 i don't think you'll get tipsy over it !!! it's a really faint taste of alcohol, like i didn't even notice it at first, and i don't think they put very much of it in there! aksljdfhals omg you're a lightweight :o at least that means you save money on alcohol LOL i need like nine shots to get drunk 🤧

your school is too hard 😭 you need more than just 3 months of break !!! 😡 we get a week off for thanksgiving in fall semester and a week off for spring break in spring semester too and then the month long winter break and three month summer break. and we have the one day holidays off too like labor day, memorial day, etc. i can't believe they give you so little time off after working so hard???

asdfhlkajshdlksja loool are the contractions over yet? has it been born? what's the current status, doctor? 👀 i really enjoy talking to you too !!! i'm very sorry for the late responses, work is really taking over all of my time, and i never have enough time to get on my laptop to reply to my asks 😭 and thank you for saying such kind things about me 🥺🥺💝 oh my gosh, i'm so sorry to hear that you have such terrible cramps 😭 i can't even imagine going through that - mine are nowhere near as horrible 😖 do the heatpads help a lot? i'm relieved to hear that you were prescribed better medication though! but yeah, your body does eventually get used to the medication and you have to continue taking stronger meds for it to work, but that's not a very healthy solution /: but i'm really glad to hear that exercise has been helping out a lot!! 💖 hurray for almost painless and bearable periods 🥳 i'm sorry to hear that you had to go through that in high school ): that sounds absolutely horrible 😭 periods are just awful, but it's like i'm grateful that i have my period because that means i'm not pregnant, but also please go away aslkhdfaklsj

omg what was the speaking test for the cambridge english exams like? :o it sounds so formal and a lil intimidating askdjfhalsd do you know of any psych tricks that can possibly help calm your nerves? :')

aaaa yes i did !! i was really surprised that i got an offer from them all because at the time, i was not in the right major and i think i was one of the most underqualified applicants 🤧 one person who interviewed me asked why i withdrew from my engr physics class and i explained it in a kinda funny way but in my head, i was like "oof i'm not gonna get this offer anymore" but then he laughed at my response and told me about how his prof told him he should drop a guitar class he was taking because he was doing very poorly and we bonded over that aklsjdhfkals omg how do interviews for psych jobs go? do you have to discuss a lot of case studies? do they give you a list of possible case studies they'll ask about? :o what sort of assessments do you have to do? good luck on all of your interviews, honey bee 💛 i'm rooting for you, you're gonna do amazing !!!! 💘

omg what did your supervisor say about your case study? and how is your last semester going? are you almost done now? 🌸 (also how have you been? what have you been up to? thank you for taking the time to leave such detailed messages for me, i'm really excited to see all the fun updates in your life, lovebug 🌷🌷)

[recurring-polynya]

Can we get some drabbles on Renji’s time with Squad 11 especially his interactions with Kenpachi and Yachiru? Obviously shenanigans with Ikkaku and Yumichika are welcome! Also, how did you think he was promoted to Squad 6 lieutenant? It’s safe to assume he applied (I can imagine his Squad 11 gang even helping him out with this) as that’s part of his “master Get-Back-Rukia plan” but moving from 6th seat to lieutenant is a leap and I imagine that Byakuya is super picky. Imagine his job interview!

I’ll do the meta part first.

#0. For starters, Renji spent 40 years reverse-engineering how to make Squad 6 Vice-Captain. He read every Teen Vogue profile on Byakuya, he clipped Byakuya’s unreadable etiquette column in the Bulletin, he studied Kuchiki military history, he hung out at Shirogane Ginjirou’s sunglasses shop and knew exactly when the guy planned to retire and got a bunch of spilled tea on Byakuya’s pet peeves, of which there are many. Byakuya is not exactly a complicated guy, it isn’t all that hard to figure out what the right answers to his interview questions are gonna be.

#1. I think there is an exam that qualifies you to be a vice-captain, and that Renji vastly over-prepared for it and got an extremely high score. Byakuya loves big numbers.

#2. There is a standard application for Vice-Captain that’s probably about 5 pages long. Renji’s application was 15 pages long. He included a personal essay and a long paean to how much he admired the principles of Squad 6. Byakuya loves Squad 6, and he loves a guy who is really enthusiastic about Squad 6.

#3. Renji is great in an interview. I headcanon that he and Rukia did a lot of con artistry back in Rukongai. Byakuya is a mark. Primarily, Renji gave him opportunities to pontificate, which Byakuya loves. Byakuya talked through 90% of Renji’s interview, and walked out feeling great.

#4. The only thing Renji had going against him was the reference section. Byakuya hates Zaraki and would go out of his way to avoid talking to him. Aizen was still salty that Renji left his squad, and tried to reverse psych Byakuya into not hiring him. (“Oh, I think he’d be an excellent second for you, Byakuya! He’s a bit impulsive, and I’m sure your influence would overcome some of that hotheadedness! His poor kidou skills shouldn’t be a problem, I’m sure you’ve got that covered yourself…”) Unfortunately for Aizen, Byakuya was already 80% on Team Renji and he realized Aizen was trying to play him, and Byakuya hates being played.

Job offer within 24 hours. Regrets came later.

I do a lot of shenanigans with Ikkaku and Yumichika, but not usually Kenpachi and Yachiru, so let’s try that for a change!

🗡️    💖   💪

“I have a Special Assignment for you, Abarai,” the Kenpachi grumbled.

Special Assignments could be anything, really. Running around dive bars in the upper Rukon, stapling up posters to advertise their next Recruitment Brawl. Delivering blotchy hand-written notes to Captain Unohana. Helping Zaraki set up elaborate obstacle courses that would then necessitate another Recruitment Brawl. The majority of Renji’s Special Assignments involved helping the captain get somewhere he needed to go. Zaraki was very good at getting lost, but Renji was exceptionally good at finding places. This worked out rather nicely, because there was almost always something interesting to fight in the places that Zaraki wanted to go, and the more Zaraki saw Renji fight, the more willing he was to bring him along.

“We goin’ somewhere, sir?” Renji asked hopefully.

Zaraki scratched his ass pensively. “Not today. C’mon in, I don’t wanna talk about it outside.” He let the way into what was occasionally jokingly referred to as his “office.” It was the place where Zaraki hung out and took naps during the day, in case anyone wanted to find him for fighting purposes. “Chisaka had to go to the Living World last week,” Zaraki explained, rummaging around in his kosode and pulling out a well-thumbed magazine. “She brought Yachiru back some manga she thought she would like.”

“That was nice,” Renji commented carefully. Giving gifts to Yachiru was nearly always an exercise in “no good deed goes unpunished.”

“Yeah, it went over real good,” Zaraki grumbled. “She liked it so much, she wants her hair done up like the kid in it.” He thrust the crumpled booklet at Renji. It was a girls’ manga, the kind with a lot of sparkles and girls in sailor suits. Zaraki poked a gnarled finger at a picture of a little girl with pink hair, twisted up into two little buns, with fluffy ponytails trailing down from them.

Renji rolled his eyes up towards his captain. “What the actual fuck, sir? Isn’t this more Ayasegawa’s department?” Zaraki didn’t like to be called ‘sir’ unless there was a profanity somewhere in the same sentence.

“Dammit, Abarai, I know you’ve let Ayasegawa do your hair. It takes him four fucking hours and he screams at you if you squirm. Yachiru can’t sit through that shit.”

Renji made an uncomfortable face. “Your hair always looks great, can’t you--”

“I tried! She doesn’t want me to use any gel, says it needs to be ‘fluffy’. How the hell are you supposed to do a hairstyle without gel, answer me that!”

“What makes you think I can do anything?” Renji finally whined.

“Look, I started at the top. Madarame ain’t got any hair, and Iba might as well not. You’re pretty fast, and you’re probably strong enough to hold her down, and at least you know how a ponytail holder works.” Zaraki sucked his teeth. “If you do it, I’ll fight you later.”

“Really?” Renji asked, his eyebrows shooting up. Zaraki didn’t usually feel that anyone below Ikkaku merited his time, and Renji jumped at every opportunity to convince him otherwise.

“Yeah, sure.” Zaraki flung open the door to the room where Yachiru sat, scowling, surrounded by an assortment of ribbons and barrettes. “I got help.”

“Wrong Way doesn’t know how to do hair!” Yachiru shouted.

Renji and Yachiru had an ongoing philosophical disagreement about the geography of the Seireitei. Yachiru had zero legs to stand on in this argument, but also, she was the one who came up with nicknames.

“He has a lot of hair,” Zaraki countered.

“That’s boy hair!” Yachiru returned. “It doesn’t count!”

“I… have done girl hair before,” Renji admitted, somewhat painedly. “Hair is hair!” He almost yelled “Gender is a construct!” because he had been reading some of the books Iba’s mom kept leaving in their room, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to explain what that meant. At this point, he just wanted to get this over with, preferably without getting kicked in the nose, which tended to happen a lot around Yachiru. “If you let me try, I’ll let you do my hair.”

Yachiru’s eyes went wide. “Really?”

“You can’t cut it, but sure. Whatever.”

Zaraki was looking over at him with something that might have been respect. “Do you know what you’re doing, you crazy bastard?” he mumbled.

“Absolutely not,” Renji replied.

🗡️    💖   💪

“They’re uneven, is all I’m saying,” Yumichika sniffed.

“I love them, he put extra ribbons on!” Yachiru howled, swinging her sheathed sword at Yumichika, who deftly ducked. The ribbons swung delightfully around the sides of her head.

“I’m honestly surprised there were any ribbons left,” Iba commented dryly.

“You can shut it, fucko!” Renji yelled. His hair was styled rather similarly to his vice-captain’s, except that his was in three (rather lumpy) buns, and his ponytails trailed more majestically. The curling iron had been a terrible idea overall, but the big, loopy curls at the ends of both Renji’s and Yachiru’s hair had definitely been worth all the burns.

Ikkaku rubbed his own bald pate. “I kinda like that look on him. 100 kan says it helps him fight better.”

“You’re on,” Iba agreed.

“What’s the hold up?!” Zaraki roared.

“Here I come!” Renji bellowed.

“Ganbatte, Wrong Way!” Yachiru cheered.

There was a loud crunch.

Ikkaku handed over the 100 kan. “It was worth a try.”

[missjanjie]

Branjie Fic | Take Me Back to the Start (3/?)

Title: Take Me Back to the Start Summary:   Everyone remembers their first love. Not everyone carries those feelings from childhood to senior year. Yet Brock is starting his last year of high school while still longing for the relationship he lost five years ago. Meanwhile, José is at the top of the food chain and seems to have it all together. But maybe their story isn’t over yet. Word Count: ~3.1k (this chapter) / ~9.6k (total) Relationship: Branjie (Brooke Lynn Hytes/Vanessa Vanjie Mateo) Rating: T (so far)

Read on AO3

After a couple of weeks, Brock and José found that working together was a second nature for them. They worked in sync, they listened and learned from each other, and while Brock was still unsteady about choreographing for a group, he felt that as a duo, they could actually come up with something that would win that qualifying position.

It was their fourth or fifth meeting - this one on their own time - and they were pretty sure they’d laid the groundwork for their routine. And they were pretty damn proud, if they did say so themselves. “Hey, what time is it?”

Brock reached around and grabbed his phone. “About a quarter to six. Why, you got somewhere to be?”

“Yeah, kinda.” He’d promised Kyle they would go see a movie that night, and he tried to ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach that begged him to flake out. As José got up to leave, he turned back towards Brock with a soft, apologetic smile. He hesitated just a bit before speaking, almost as if he were willing away his nerves. “Listen, uh, my birthday’s coming up soon. I’m not goin’ wild or nothin’, but I’m having a party. And you know I can turn up at any party. Anyway, I want yo’ ass there.”

Of course, Brock knew exactly when his birthday was - he always felt especially lonely on that day. Early on, he used to reminisce on the birthdays they shared together, but lately it had become much easier to simply ignore it entirely. Either way, he brightened right up at the invitation. “Yeah, I’ll be there. Promise.”

José’s smile brightened. His heart was beating a little faster whether he liked it or not. “Yeah, you will,” he confirmed with a light laugh before they said their goodbyes. And he must have still had that smile plastered on his face when he reconvened with his boyfriend because he was getting an odd, borderline angry look.

“You enjoy your ‘practice,’ babe?” he asked with a suspicious raise in his brow.

“Why you gotta say it like that, huh?” His cheeks flushed red, which he could only hope didn’t come off as guilt. “It is practice. This shit’s important. You know that.”

Kyle rolled his eyes, “I also know you guys were a thing for years. And no, I don’t care that you were kids. Years are years and you can’t deny that.” Having known both boys for almost as long as they knew each other, he had witnessed tiny snippets of their relationship firsthand, leaving no room for denial.

José glared and grit his teeth. “The fuck are you accusing me of, huh? Tryna make me look bad to take the heat off yourself?”

The accusation earned him an annoyed scoff and a lack of eye contact. “Oh, cut the fucking temper tantrum, José. I’m just not gonna sit around while you have some Step Up fantasy with someone you’ve already had feelings for.”

“Don’t you think if I was tryna make that happen I woulda left yo two-timin’ ass already? You didn’t do shit to earn a second chance but beg and cry for it. And now you wanna point the fucking finger at me? Don’t even go there, boo.”

His rant must’ve made the impression he’d hoped for, as Kyle went silent and hung his head like a scolded child. “Okay, I get it. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come at you like that, I do wanna have a good night with you.” He offered his hand out to the smaller male, waiting in anticipation to see if he’d still take it.

And he did, despite the fact that the nagging sense of doubt inside him was still there. But that was the first sincere sounding apology he’d ever gotten out of his boyfriend. That had to count for something, right? He would certainly keep telling himself as much if it meant he would be able to enjoy their date night.

------

“What do you mean you don’t know what to get him?” Courtney furrowed her brows, shaking her head incredulously. “I thought he used to be like, your entire world.”

Brock grimaced. “And we haven’t spoken in five years. I don’t know about you, but my tastes have changed since middle school. He could be a whole new person in that way, and I don’t wanna look like an idiot in front of him.”

Steve had his hands shoved into his pockets as they walked past store after store in the mall. “Why don’t you just get something like chocolates? Everyone loves chocolate, you can’t strike out on that,” he suggested.

But he waved that off, shaking his head. “No, no, that’s a cop-out. I’m not some distant relative that only comes around for the holidays. I want something that tells him that I care about him… but not like, overly so, you know?”

“Not really.”

“I just don’t want it to seem like I don’t give a fuck. Because I give several fucks. Constantly.”

Courtney placed her hand on his shoulder as they walked into a Macy’s. “I think it’s sweet that you want to show you care. But you shouldn’t overthink it so much. He’s probably just going to be happy that you’re there.”

Brock exhaled deeply as he looked around the store, then coughed a bit on the inhale as he was hit with an influx of various perfumes and colognes that filled the store. “Let’s just start looking for shiny things. I know he still likes shiny things.” He’d been able to ascertain that much from the time they’d spent together recently.

As it turned out, something adequately shiny and something within budget seemed to be incapable of existing within one object. It’d been at least fifteen minutes of wandering through the jewelry department, and the trio had started to become frustrated.

“What about a watch?” Courtney suggested. “My dad says that’s usually a go-to.”

“The only watches anyone under forty wears are Apple Watches,” Brock retorted, and it took another few minutes of circling around before something finally caught his eye. “What do you guys think of this?”

When the other two came up to see what he was looking at, they exchanged looks before both giving a thumbs-up in approval, and not a moment too soon.

------

Brock had been staring at himself in the mirror for a good couple of minutes. He wasn’t sure exactly what he was hoping to see - maybe a sudden burst of confidence that would assure him that he looked and felt ready to go.

Instead, he had to rely on his mother, who was losing her patience. “You’re going to be late, and not even fashionably late. Get a move on, I’ll be in the car.”

After another look in the mirror, he decided it was as good as it was going to get. He grabbed his jacket and the present and made his way out to the car, spending the entire ride completely silent. If he spoke, he’d just end up psyching himself out and making her turn back home.

“You’re going to have a great time, I’m sure of it. Call me when you’re done, but if you’re still out by midnight, take an Uber.”

Brock nodded in confirmation and gave his mom a quick hug before getting out and going into the restaurant. It was a nice place, the kind you would go to if you were treating yourself, but not somewhere that needed to be booked months in advance. The hostess was cheery as she guided him to the back room that was closed exclusively for the party, and there was no turning back from there.

There had to have been at least thirty or forty people in the room, talking and dancing amongst themselves, or eating and drinking off to the side. No one really acknowledged Brock’s presence, so he weaved his way through to set his gift down on the table along with the others, looking around in hopes of crossing paths with José one way or another.

And he did, eventually. José had managed to untangle himself from the group around him to make his way over to Brock. “You really showed up.”

“I promised I would.”

Despite the loud music and shouting teens, there was a sudden calmness between the two of them. The onslaught of indescribable noises faded into the background and for a moment it was like they were back at the roller skating rink, or any of the birthdays they’d shared together.

“I’m really happy you’re here.”

There seemed to be more that José wanted to say, but he was suddenly whisked away by a group of three girls that Brock recognized from the cheerleading team.

So, with a content smile, Brock turned to make his way towards the food when he bumped into someone blocking his path.

Kyle. Great.

“Can I help you?” He did his best to seem nonplussed, but he just couldn’t hide the irritation that seeped into his words. Even without an answer, he was trying to figure out how to maneuver around the jock.

“Oh, cut the shit.” Kyle shoved him back, effectively keeping him from slipping away. “He might be too stupid to catch onto your game, but I’m not. And I’m putting an end to it right now.”

Brock stood upright, puffing out his chest and narrowing his glare. If looks could kill, he’d be an effective assassin. “Don’t call him stupid,” he hissed. “Maybe if you treated him better, you wouldn’t be so paranoid.”

At this point, a few onlookers had gathered out of casual curiosity. Kyle had an aggressive reputation, after all. And although Brock didn’t have much of a reputation period, the fact that he held his own on a physical level was enough to pique some interest.

“You’re fucking delusional if you think he’s gonna run back to you just ‘cause you two used to play house,” he stepped closer, trying to intimidate him — which proved to be a bit difficult considering they were about the same height. He then tried to further the attempt by making a sharp, threatening motion towards him.

But Brock’s reflexes were fast — he pushed back with both hands to his chest, enough to send him stumbling back a couple of steps. Which, in retrospect, might have been the wrong move, as the next thing he knew, he had 185 pounds of football player lunging at him.

Now, Brock wasn’t a fighter, especially not a physical one. But his only other option was to lay down and let José’s boyfriend wail on him, and that simply wasn’t going to happen. So, he pushed back with all of his might, doing his best to hold his own while a crowd formed around them.

It was all a bit blurry — there was a loud ringing in his ear and his head was throbbing, and he was on the ground, down for the count. In the distance, though, he swore he heard a distinctly familiar voice shouting ‘what the fuck just happened?!’

José was out of breath when he caught up with the melee. “Oh my god, are you okay?”

Kyle grunted, also splayed out on the floor and not in much better condition. “Ugh, yeah, think I just–“

“Shut the fuck up, I ain’t talking to you!” The absolute fury in his tone was enough to make everyone in earshot take a step back. But he wasn’t paying the crowd any mind as he dropped to his knees and crawled over to Brock’s side.

“How bad you hurtin’?” His voice had completely switched to a soft, gentle one — it was jarring to everyone around them. “You need me to call an amberlance or something?”

Brock groaned as he managed to sit himself up. His face hurt like a bitch, but he wasn’t bleeding or more than a little swollen. He was dizzy, enough to not even realize how much he was relying on José to hold him up, but was slowly managing to come back to reality. “No, just ice. Advil, maybe.”

“You heard the man! Ice and Advil! What’s the fucking hold up?” José wasn’t shouting to anyone in particular — just whoever got the job done the fastest.

And, sure enough, Brock did find himself on a couch with ice on his head and Advil in his system not long after. How long, exactly, was unclear. His mind was still a little fuzzy on the details.

The one detail that was clear, however, was that José had never left his side, and that fact made Kyle livid. Even with depleted energy, he was huffing and shouting as his friends escorted him out. “Does he blow up like that often?” he asked once he was feeling a bit more himself.

José gestured vaguely. “He got a temper.”

“He’s never hit you, has he?”

“Never, though sometimes I’d take that over his shouting rants. Motherfucker makes me look like one of them silent French clowns.”

“A mime?”

Despite everything, they both laughed at that. “Yeah, a mime.”

There were a few beats of silence before Brock turned to face him. “Why’s a guy like you with such a creep like that?”

José tilted his head, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips. “A guy like me?”

“Well, yeah,” Brock shrugged. “Someone kind, funny, thoughtful…” He could have gone on for so much longer, but he didn’t want to come on too strong. That, and he was still a bit out of it and knew that if he started to ramble he wouldn’t stop. “What’s he got going for him other than an athletic scholarship?”

It wasn’t that José never questioned his relationship; it was just easier to not think about it. This was how it was supposed to go – the head cheerleader and the quarterback, it was the classic high school romance, wasn’t it?

“It wasn’t always like this. He was good to me, treated me like a queen, his ride or die. I don’t know what happened,” he sighed and looked down. “I know I look the fool for even thinkin’ bout defending him, but I can’t just feel nothing for him just like that.”

Brock pressed his lips into a fine line and stared straight ahead of him. “I don’t think anyone expects you to stay with him after this, so the choice is really yours.” He was sure people filmed the fight, that it was already making the rounds on social media. His phone was bound to blow up any minute now, and he had no idea how he would tackle that. He couldn’t even think about that – he was still hung up on José‘s take on his relationship with that bully.

“Anyway,” he continued after what felt like an hour of awkward silence. “I’m gonna text my mom, should still probably go get checked out by a doctor.”

José stood right up. “Let me go with you,” he insisted.

Brock shook his head. “You’re not wasting my birthday sitting in the ER to see if I have a contusion.”

“Well, I’m not doing that because I don’t know what a contusion is. But I am going to make sure you didn’t get all fucked up.” He chewed on his lip and bounced uncomfortably on his feet. “‘Sides, this is kinda my fault anyway. He prob’ly wouldn’t have gone after you if he didn’t think you was gonna try something with me. I-I told him the truth, but he ain’t hearing it.”

Brock sighed softly and gently placed his hand on the shorter male’s shoulder. “None of this is your fault. The guy’s a psychopath and you got caught in the cross-hairs.” He gave his shoulder a light squeeze. “And I know you, and how stubborn you are. So I’ll let my mom know you’re coming with us.”

Despite his insistence on joining, the drive to the hospital was still filled with tension. It was dead silent, to the point where even Joan had given up any attempt at small talk within the first five minutes. And their stay in the waiting room proved to only be more silent torture. The worst part, perhaps, was that all of that was only to find out that Brock had sustained nothing more than a minor concussion, along with some scrapes and bruises.

“I’m glad you’re okay,” José remarked as they made their way back the way they came.

Brock looked at him with a weak smile. “Could’ve been a lot worse, I know.” His gaze shifted straightforward. “Are you going to check on him?”

“I mean, I should, right?”

“No!” He stopped in his tracks, causing José to come to a screeching halt. That was it. That was what made the dam burst. “Jesus Christ, don’t you get it? This is essentially the same boy that pushed us around while shouting ‘faggots,’ the only difference is now you’re letting him fuck you!” He took a breath, the last thing he needed to do was cause a scene in the middle of the hospital.

José found himself in a bind. He knew Brock was right, he didn’t need to think twice about that. But he wasn’t about to stand and get lectured and leave with his head hung low. His pride simply wouldn’t allow for that. “I took care of myself then, you don’t need to keep talkin’ at me like I’m still a child.”

“Then maybe you should stop acting like one.”

------

“Dude,” Courtney stared at him blankly. “What the fuck?”

Brock groaned, sprawling out on his bed and staring up at the ceiling. “I don’t know. I was just… I was so angry. It wasn’t even about wanting to be with him, it was… How could that not be enough to break up with someone on the spot?”

“It sounds like it was a lot happening at once,” Steven chimed in. “Maybe he just needs to, I don’t know, process all of it.”

He sat up and furrowed his brows. “So, what are you saying? That I overreacted?”

Both of his friends shook their heads. “Honestly, I’m with you. I can’t fucking stand Kyle,” Courtney admitted. “But you said it yourself, José’s the most stubborn son of a bitch any of us have ever met. Maybe he’s in denial about it.”

“Give it a little time. He’ll come to his senses and be all yours before you know it.”

Brock ran his fingers over the bruise on his arm, still tender to the touch. “If that’s even what I still want by then.”

[artificialqueens]

Take Me Back to the Start (Chapter 3) - Joley

(read on ao3)

After a couple of weeks, Brock and José found that working together was a second nature for them. They worked in sync, they listened and learned from each other, and while Brock was still unsteady about choreographing for a group, he felt that as a duo, they could actually come up with something that would win that qualifying position.

It was their fourth or fifth meeting - this one on their own time - and they were pretty sure they’d laid the groundwork for their routine. And they were pretty damn proud, if they did say so themselves. “Hey, what time is it?”

Brock reached around and grabbed his phone. “About a quarter to six. Why, you got somewhere to be?”

“Yeah, kinda.” He’d promised Kyle they would go see a movie that night, and he tried to ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach that begged him to flake out. As José got up to leave, he turned back towards Brock with a soft, apologetic smile. He hesitated just a bit before speaking, almost as if he were willing away his nerves. “Listen, uh, my birthday’s coming up soon. I’m not goin’ wild or nothin’, but I’m having a party. And you know I can turn up at any party. Anyway, I want yo’ ass there.”

Of course, Brock knew exactly when his birthday was - he always felt especially lonely on that day. Early on, he used to reminisce on the birthdays they shared together, but lately it had become much easier to simply ignore it entirely. Either way, he brightened right up at the invitation. “Yeah, I’ll be there. Promise.”

José’s smile brightened. His heart was beating a little faster whether he liked it or not. “Yeah, you will,” he confirmed with a light laugh before they said their goodbyes. And he must have still had that smile plastered on his face when he reconvened with his boyfriend because he was getting an odd, borderline angry look.

“You enjoy your ‘practice,’ babe?” he asked with a suspicious raise in his brow.

“Why you gotta say it like that, huh?” His cheeks flushed red, which he could only hope didn’t come off as guilt. “It is practice. This shit’s important. You know that.”

Kyle rolled his eyes, “I also know you guys were a thing for years. And no, I don’t care that you were kids. Years are years and you can’t deny that.” Having known both boys for almost as long as they knew each other, he had witnessed tiny snippets of their relationship firsthand, leaving no room for denial.

José glared and grit his teeth. “The fuck are you accusing me of, huh? Tryna make me look bad to take the heat off yourself?”

The accusation earned him an annoyed scoff and a lack of eye contact. “Oh, cut the fucking temper tantrum, José. I’m just not gonna sit around while you have some Step Up fantasy with someone you’ve already had feelings for.”

“Don’t you think if I was tryna make that happen I woulda left yo two-timin’ ass already? You didn’t do shit to earn a second chance but beg and cry for it. And now you wanna point the fucking finger at me? Don’t even go there, boo.”

His rant must’ve made the impression he’d hoped for, as Kyle went silent and hung his head like a scolded child. “Okay, I get it. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come at you like that, I do wanna have a good night with you.” He offered his hand out to the smaller male, waiting in anticipation to see if he’d still take it.

And he did, despite the fact that the nagging sense of doubt inside him was still there. But that was the first sincere sounding apology he’d ever gotten out of his boyfriend. That had to count for something, right? He would certainly keep telling himself as much if it meant he would be able to enjoy their date night.

——

“What do you mean you don’t know what to get him?” Courtney furrowed her brows, shaking her head incredulously. “I thought he used to be like, your entire world.”

Brock grimaced. “And we haven’t spoken in five years. I don’t know about you, but my tastes have changed since middle school. He could be a whole new person in that way, and I don’t wanna look like an idiot in front of him.”

Steve had his hands shoved into his pockets as they walked past store after store in the mall. “Why don’t you just get something like chocolates? Everyone loves chocolate, you can’t strike out on that,” he suggested.

But he waved that off, shaking his head. “No, no, that’s a cop-out. I’m not some distant relative that only comes around for the holidays. I want something that tells him that I care about him… but not like, overly so, you know?”

“Not really.”

“I just don’t want it to seem like I don’t give a fuck. Because I give several fucks. Constantly.”

Courtney placed her hand on his shoulder as they walked into a Macy’s. “I think it’s sweet that you want to show you care. But you shouldn’t overthink it so much. He’s probably just going to be happy that you’re there.”

Brock exhaled deeply as he looked around the store, then coughed a bit on the inhale as he was hit with an influx of various perfumes and colognes that filled the store. “Let’s just start looking for shiny things. I know he still likes shiny things.” He’d been able to ascertain that much from the time they’d spent together recently.

As it turned out, something adequately shiny and something within budget seemed to be incapable of existing within one object. It’d been at least fifteen minutes of wandering through the jewelry department, and the trio had started to become frustrated.

“What about a watch?” Courtney suggested. “My dad says that’s usually a go-to.”

“The only watches anyone under forty wears are Apple Watches,” Brock retorted, and it took another few minutes of circling around before something finally caught his eye. “What do you guys think of this?”

When the other two came up to see what he was looking at, they exchanged looks before both giving a thumbs-up in approval, and not a moment too soon.

——

Brock had been staring at himself in the mirror for a good couple of minutes. He wasn’t sure exactly what he was hoping to see - maybe a sudden burst of confidence that would assure him that he looked and felt ready to go.

Instead, he had to rely on his mother, who was losing her patience. “You’re going to be late, and not even fashionably late. Get a move on, I’ll be in the car.”

After another look in the mirror, he decided it was as good as it was going to get. He grabbed his jacket and the present and made his way out to the car, spending the entire ride completely silent. If he spoke, he’d just end up psyching himself out and making her turn back home.

“You’re going to have a great time, I’m sure of it. Call me when you’re done, but if you’re still out by midnight, take an Uber.”

Brock nodded in confirmation and gave his mom a quick hug before getting out and going into the restaurant. It was a nice place, the kind you would go to if you were treating yourself, but not somewhere that needed to be booked months in advance. The hostess was cheery as she guided him to the back room that was closed exclusively for the party, and there was no turning back from there.

There had to have been at least thirty or forty people in the room, talking and dancing amongst themselves, or eating and drinking off to the side. No one really acknowledged Brock’s presence, so he weaved his way through to set his gift down on the table along with the others, looking around in hopes of crossing paths with José one way or another.

And he did, eventually. José had managed to untangle himself from the group around him to make his way over to Brock. “You really showed up.”

“I promised I would.”

Despite the loud music and shouting teens, there was a sudden calmness between the two of them. The onslaught of indescribable noises faded into the background and for a moment it was like they were back at the roller skating rink, or any of the birthdays they’d shared together.

“I’m really happy you’re here.”

There seemed to be more that José wanted to say, but he was suddenly whisked away by a group of three girls that Brock recognized from the cheerleading team.

So, with a content smile, Brock turned to make his way towards the food when he bumped into someone blocking his path.

Kyle. Great.

“Can I help you?” He did his best to seem nonplussed, but he just couldn’t hide the irritation that seeped into his words. Even without an answer, he was trying to figure out how to maneuver around the jock.

“Oh, cut the shit.” Kyle shoved him back, effectively keeping him from slipping away. “He might be too stupid to catch onto your game, but I’m not. And I’m putting an end to it right now.”

Brock stood upright, puffing out his chest and narrowing his glare. If looks could kill, he’d be an effective assassin. “Don’t call him stupid,” he hissed. “Maybe if you treated him better, you wouldn’t be so paranoid.”

At this point, a few onlookers had gathered out of casual curiosity. Kyle had an aggressive reputation, after all. And although Brock didn’t have much of a reputation period, the fact that he held his own on a physical level was enough to pique some interest.

“You’re fucking delusional if you think he’s gonna run back to you just ‘cause you two used to play house,” he stepped closer, trying to intimidate him — which proved to be a bit difficult considering they were about the same height. He then tried to further the attempt by making a sharp, threatening motion towards him.

But Brock’s reflexes were fast — he pushed back with both hands to his chest, enough to send him stumbling back a couple of steps. Which, in retrospect, might have been the wrong move, as the next thing he knew, he had 185 pounds of football player lunging at him.

Now, Brock wasn’t a fighter, especially not a physical one. But his only other option was to lay down and let José’s boyfriend wail on him, and that simply wasn’t going to happen. So, he pushed back with all of his might, doing his best to hold his own while a crowd formed around them.

It was all a bit blurry — there was a loud ringing in his ear and his head was throbbing, and he was on the ground, down for the count. In the distance, though, he swore he heard a distinctly familiar voice shouting ‘what the fuck just happened?!’

José was out of breath when he caught up with the melee. “Oh my god, are you okay?”

Kyle grunted, also splayed out on the floor and not in much better condition. “Ugh, yeah, think I just–“

“Shut the fuck up, I ain’t talking to you!” The absolute fury in his tone was enough to make everyone in earshot take a step back. But he wasn’t paying the crowd any mind as he dropped to his knees and crawled over to Brock’s side.

“How bad you hurtin’?” His voice had completely switched to a soft, gentle one — it was jarring to everyone around them. “You need me to call an amberlance or something?”

Brock groaned as he managed to sit himself up. His face hurt like a bitch, but he wasn’t bleeding or more than a little swollen. He was dizzy, enough to not even realize how much he was relying on José to hold him up, but was slowly managing to come back to reality. “No, just ice. Advil, maybe.”

“You heard the man! Ice and Advil! What’s the fucking hold up?” José wasn’t shouting to anyone in particular — just whoever got the job done the fastest.

And, sure enough, Brock did find himself on a couch with ice on his head and Advil in his system not long after. How long, exactly, was unclear. His mind was still a little fuzzy on the details.

The one detail that was clear, however, was that José had never left his side, and that fact made Kyle livid. Even with depleted energy, he was huffing and shouting as his friends escorted him out. “Does he blow up like that often?” he asked once he was feeling a bit more himself.

José gestured vaguely. “He got a temper.”

“He’s never hit you, has he?”

“Never, though sometimes I’d take that over his shouting rants. Motherfucker makes me look like one of them silent French clowns.”

“A mime?”

Despite everything, they both laughed at that. “Yeah, a mime.”

There were a few beats of silence before Brock turned to face him. “Why’s a guy like you with such a creep like that?”

José tilted his head, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips. “A guy like me?”

“Well, yeah,” Brock shrugged. “Someone kind, funny, thoughtful…” He could have gone on for so much longer, but he didn’t want to come on too strong. That, and he was still a bit out of it and knew that if he started to ramble he wouldn’t stop. “What’s he got going for him other than an athletic scholarship?”

It wasn’t that José never questioned his relationship; it was just easier to not think about it. This was how it was supposed to go – the head cheerleader and the quarterback, it was the classic high school romance, wasn’t it?

“It wasn’t always like this. He was good to me, treated me like a queen, his ride or die. I don’t know what happened,” he sighed and looked down. “I know I look the fool for even thinkin’ bout defending him, but I can’t just feel nothing for him just like that.”

Brock pressed his lips into a fine line and stared straight ahead of him. “I don’t think anyone expects you to stay with him after this, so the choice is really yours.” He was sure people filmed the fight, that it was already making the rounds on social media. His phone was bound to blow up any minute now, and he had no idea how he would tackle that. He couldn’t even think about that – he was still hung up on José‘s take on his relationship with that bully.

“Anyway,” he continued after what felt like an hour of awkward silence. “I’m gonna text my mom, should still probably go get checked out by a doctor.”

José stood right up. “Let me go with you,” he insisted.

Brock shook his head. “You’re not wasting my birthday sitting in the ER to see if I have a contusion.”

“Well, I’m not doing that because I don’t know what a contusion is. But I am going to make sure you didn’t get all fucked up.” He chewed on his lip and bounced uncomfortably on his feet. “‘Sides, this is kinda my fault anyway. He prob’ly wouldn’t have gone after you if he didn’t think you was gonna try something with me. I-I told him the truth, but he ain’t hearing it.”

Brock sighed softly and gently placed his hand on the shorter male’s shoulder. “None of this is your fault. The guy’s a psychopath and you got caught in the cross-hairs.” He gave his shoulder a light squeeze. “And I know you, and how stubborn you are. So I’ll let my mom know you’re coming with us.”

Despite his insistence on joining, the drive to the hospital was still filled with tension. It was dead silent, to the point where even Joan had given up any attempt at small talk within the first five minutes. And their stay in the waiting room proved to only be more silent torture. The worst part, perhaps, was that all of that was only to find out that Brock had sustained nothing more than a minor concussion, along with some scrapes and bruises.

“I’m glad you’re okay,” José remarked as they made their way back the way they came.

Brock looked at him with a weak smile. “Could’ve been a lot worse, I know.” His gaze shifted straightforward. “Are you going to check on him?”

“I mean, I should, right?”

“No!” He stopped in his tracks, causing José to come to a screeching halt. That was it. That was what made the dam burst. “Jesus Christ, don’t you get it? This is essentially the same boy that pushed us around while shouting ‘faggots,’ the only difference is now you’re letting him fuck you!” He took a breath, the last thing he needed to do was cause a scene in the middle of the hospital.

José found himself in a bind. He knew Brock was right, he didn’t need to think twice about that. But he wasn’t about to stand and get lectured and leave with his head hung low. His pride simply wouldn’t allow for that. “I took care of myself then, you don’t need to keep talkin’ at me like I’m still a child.”

“Then maybe you should stop acting like one.”

——

“Dude,” Courtney stared at him blankly. “What the fuck?”

Brock groaned, sprawling out on his bed and staring up at the ceiling. “I don’t know. I was just… I was so angry. It wasn’t even about wanting to be with him, it was… How could that not be enough to break up with someone on the spot?”

“It sounds like it was a lot happening at once,” Steven chimed in. “Maybe he just needs to, I don’t know, process all of it.”

He sat up and furrowed his brows. “So, what are you saying? That I overreacted?”

Both of his friends shook their heads. “Honestly, I’m with you. I can’t fucking stand Kyle,” Courtney admitted. “But you said it yourself, José’s the most stubborn son of a bitch any of us have ever met. Maybe he’s in denial about it.”

“Give it a little time. He’ll come to his senses and be all yours before you know it.”

Brock ran his fingers over the bruise on his arm, still tender to the touch. “If that’s even what I still want by then.”

[kingyeoms]

neuroscience TA! joshua

pairing: joshua hong x reader (n)  genre: it’s all fluff sorry warnings(?): swearing and just really casual writing in bullet points lol word count: 2,044 a/n: i barely proofread this and this is nothing like what i usually write but i’ve been thinking about this since the start of the new semester and welp here we are. a/a/n: i just realized.. people might not really know what a TA/teaching assistant is! usually someone who is working towards their doctoral degree and are obligated to assist teaching a course in their department, usually in charge of teaching discussion/supplemental sections~ ♡ best read on desktop, use mobile browser if you can’t read under the cut ♡

3rd year phd candidate

does research on neural circuit mechanisms in aging adults

big geek about brains, shows a thirty minute long video of a sheep brain dissection for the first day of section

people fell asleep but it’s fine bc josh is so excited about the video and everyone finds it endearing

always dresses so casually!! comes to class wearing sweats and plain black t-shirts (probably buys them in packs for $3)

but he still has the reputation among the undergraduate students as the “hot neuro TA”

cracks jokes w/ his students all the time

literally everyone wants to take the class that joshua hong is TAing

“joshua what are you teaching next semester??” “topics in advanced neuroimaging, you gonna take it?” “never mind, good luck”

brings his dog named peanut to class all the time

peanut is a giant ass st. bernard who likes to walk around the class and sleep next to people’s feet

super adorable but also a big Drooler

you’re the other teaching assistant for the same neuroanatomy class, but in the psychology department

you’re super down to earth!! honestly you treat your students like friends, talking to them super casually

but when class starts, you know how to get down to business and you’re super passionate about what you’re talking about

the psych undergrads have a ton of respect for you, because not only were you chill but you were mad smart too!!

your kids walking into class: “y/n guess what fucking happened in lecture”

you: “listen, you probably shouldn’t say the f word in front of me but tell me what the fuck happened”

anyways, here’s a funny coincidence: your lab and joshua’s lab are on the same floor

so it’s not a surprise that you and josh have this ongoing “feud” of which is more superior: psych vs neuro

“psych is for people who can’t handle neuro” “neuro is for people who hate themselves”

your office is opposite of his, so he’s always stopping by your room to annoy you or steal something from the jar of candy on your desk.

you: “why am i constantly out of kit-kats?”

josh, fistfuls of kit-kats behind his back: “damn, you should probably buy some more”

he’ll mess with your powerpoint slides, swapping photos of the cerebellum for photos of him and peanut

which SUCKS when you’re teaching,, and josh’s dumb face pops up on the projector,, 

your kids: “nice one josh”

when you’re holding office hours for your students, he stops by and says some dumb shit to your kids like “come to my office instead, y/n doesn’t know what they’re talking about” 

“fuck off, joshua” “oooooh you curse in front of your students? i’m telling the professor”

you just roll your eyes and the two of you just laugh at each other

the students who come to your office hours swear you two have a thing going on

and honestly? you wish

you’ve always thought josh was pretty cute

being a phd student was stressful, especially with research and teaching, but he never failed to put a smile on your face!!

you two were often the last ones on the floor, in charge of locking up rooms and cleaning equipment

he always insists on walking you to your car at night because “the raccoons might attack you”

you’d be lying if you said you didn’t think about kissing him in your office but shhh

during lecture, you guys share a google doc to take notes on what to teach your students

he thinks it’s funny to delete everything you write

you, sitting next to him in the front row: “joshua hong if you don’t press ctrl + z right now i swear to god i’ll change the lock code to the EEG room”

josh: “wait don’t i have a study tomorrow”

proctoring exams with josh: “i can pass out tests faster than you” “are we five???? but no you can’t”

he’s really good… at catching people cheating? the dude has eyes like a hawk lmao and you don’t even notice honestly

“see the kid with the blue baseball cap on? give him a 0″

anyways the professor asks you and joshua to come in on a weekend to grade midterms

you: but i made plans

josh: i’m not ?? even getting paid ??

but you guys do it anyways because it’s not like you have a choice lmao rip

he brings peanut and he’s just drooling all over your bag

peanut not josh

i guess josh is metaphorically drooling because… you looked really good today

not the usual jeans and college sweatshirt you wear during the week

you had originally made plans with your friends to go to the farmer’s market

it was a really nice day :( sunny outside and you actually tried to not look like a mess for once!! you actually brushed your hair today lol

anyways, peanut is still drooling and you look at josh, confused but also a little grossed out

“why is peanut drooling?” “do you have food in your bag?” “i don’t think so?” “oh. maybe he just likes you”

peanut: pulls out a granola bar out of your bag

anyways… you two are grading exams, checking over the answer key for any mistakes

you furrow your brows as you look over the answer choices, so you ask josh to take a look at question 23

“yeah, what about it?” “look at the answer choices, there are two possible answers.” “ah fuck.”

turns out… a lot of the questions are like that..

you and josh just look at each other and groan, realizing you two have to redo the entire answer key

you call your friends to cancel your plans, saying you were stuck at school

joshua feels really bad so he reaches over to grab your stack of tests

“you can go if you want! i’ll finish it, no worries”

you shake your head, pulling out a box of red pens from your bag

“no thanks, my boyfriend would miss me” 

a confused josh: “no i wouldn’t?”

“… i was talking about peanut?” but you’re giggling because josh’s face is beet red at this point

joshua: “anyways, question 40 right?”

truth is, joshua has always found you cute and he liked the fact that when he teased you, you weren’t afraid to tease him back

he just felt.. really comfortable around you

and seeing you smile after he cracked a joke?? best thing in the world to him besides peanut

even when you roll your eyes at him, he thinks it’s so cute!!

cliché moment where you two reach for the answer key at the same time and your hands touch

but neither of you let go wow so cute and you guys kind of just !! grade tests in silence, holding hands

joshua’s the type to rub your the back of your hand with his thumb i’m lowkey crying thinking about it

anyways, you guys end up finishing grading and the sun is starting to set

josh realizes that you two spent the entire day stuck inside the office, so he offers to take you to the farmer’s market

but you don’t wanna be a bother or anything so you shake your head, “no it’s okay!!”

josh insists that he takes you, saying “i gotta take peanut on a walk, come on let’s go”

so you two go to the farmer’s market, the crowds starting to die down a little bit since it’s the end of the day

josh holds your hand and peanut’s leash in the other

peanut keeps dragging you guys to all the booths that sell homemade peanut butter and he’s never been happier, he keeps getting free samples and head scratches

you’re looking at a booth that sells homemade jewelry, think leather bracelets and dainty finger rings

“josh, what do you think about th-” you turn to your side, but josh and peanut are nowhere to be found

and you look through the crowds and the booths next to you, but you can’t find them anywhere

you kind of panic,, because you didn’t think josh was the type to ditch someone? on a date?

was this even a date you weren’t sure to be honest,, but still :( you were kind of upset 

but you finally see peanut dragging joshua back to you, a small bouquet of sunflowers in his hand

joshua’s cheeks and ears are tinged a slight pink when he gives the flowers to you, “i saw a stand selling these and they just looked really pretty, so i bought them for you”

and the flowers are so beautiful and your jaw literally aches from smiling so big and josh thinks you’re so beautiful!!

you two walk around a bit more, hand!! in!! hand!! 

josh: trying to pull peanut away from all the friendly people willing to give him free beef jerky

tired from all the walking, you two buy ice cream, sitting on a bench in front of the tiny shop

peanut eats josh’s ice cream when he’s not looking

josh: peanut what the fuck

you offer to buy him another one, but he shakes his head, taking the cone from your hand, biting into the soft pink scoop

“let’s just share, strawberry is my second favorite anyways”

your jaw just drops because,, who bites into ice cream?

but it’s cute, you two talk about how much you hate the professor and which students you think are annoying

you two don’t even realize how dark it is until you hear peanut snoring, curled up at the bottom of your feet

josh is the first to stand up, his hand reaching out to yours, “it’s getting a little late, i’ll take you home?”

and so that’s how you and joshua ended up at the front door of your apartment

your hand clutching the sunflowers, the other intertwined in his fingers

and when he leans in, you don’t hesitate to close the gap between you two

kissing joshua? definitely better than you expected, the taste of strawberry ice cream still slightly lingering on his lips

your lips move in perfect harmony with his, joshua placing his hand on the small of your back

as soon as you feel josh pull you in closer, you feel a... wet.. tongue on your foot? you both break away to find peanut,, asleep,, drooling,, on your toes

“damn it, peanut” josh groans as you giggle, resting your forehead against his

“i’ll see you on monday, yeah?” you grinned, kissing him on the cheek

"yeah i really,, gotta take this kiddo home,,” and he sighs, waking Big ol’ peanut up “but i had a lot of fun tonight, we should do it again sometime”

“as long as we don’t have to grade 600 midterms again, it’s a date”

the both of you blush because,, was this even a date??

yes, it was

but seriously, what a super cute start to your relationship with josh

you don’t even get mad when you find out it’s josh stealing all of your kit kats

he leaves a giant bag of them on your desk one day to make up for it

but also joshua is the Worst

joshua: “how does it feel to be dating the hot neuro TA on campus?”

you: “shut up before you become the hot single neuro TA”

sometimes josh stops by your class when you’re teaching to give you a kiss on your cheek before he goes to do research,,, embarrassing you in front of all your students (even though pda is probably something that shouldn’t be happening in front of them)

literally Everyone: “we fucking called it”

definitely still makes fun of you 24/7,, just with more kissing

friday nights with joshua: skimming academic papers and talking shit on faculty LOL

going to the farmer’s market becomes a weekly thing for you guys!! mainly because the peanut butter booth would be devastated if they didn’t get to see Mister peanut

sooo,, you may or may not have done it on your desk in the lab LOL

josh in lecture: hey i think you’re pretty cute, maybe we should get dinner tonight?

you: josh can you pls stop flirting with me on google docs you’re LAME

[nautilusopus]

👀

send me a 👀 and i’ll post a snippet of art/writing

Ughhh I’m mostly just realising how bad all my WIPs are.

This one’s literally just titled “workshop this” and then I just abandoned it until further notice. Can’t even give you an ETA on this one since memory loss is pretty played the fuck out and there’s nothing I could do with it that hasn’t already been done to death. 

Geostigma went deep. 

That was the first thing they learned, after the rain. It made sense, in a morbid sort of way -- Jenova's genetic material would naturally cause all sorts of health issues, and so too would her mind, her presence lingering on inside those infected, carving away at their psyches bit by bit, infesting her victims mentally as well as physically.

Denzel wasn't the first one afflicted by it, but he was the first one they personally noticed -- little moments where he'd space out, then snap out of it moments later. Cloud had thought they were absence seizures at first, since he was certainly the right age for it. Until they noticed there were specific conditions that set it off. 

One specific condition, in fact.

"If you didn't want to draw anything, you could have said so," sulked Marlene. Tifa was out for the moment and Barret was left to supervise directly, with Cloud cleaning off the bar behind them. 

"That -- it's --"

He was staring at the notebook she'd offered him, that she'd had since she was five, that Denzel had stolen on more than one occasion to add his own drawings to. She was six, and he was eight, and that was practically a lifetime of difference at that age. He was bound to blow her off for being "too much of a baby" in one aspect or another, and in Denzel's case it was Marlene's drawing skills, and how they were inferior to his own. 

Now, however, he was staring at the notebook, with a pained expression, his face slack, his eyes empty. His grip on it tightened, earning him a squeal of protest from Marlene. 

"You're gonna rip it!" she yelled. "Papa!"

And then Barret was looming over the both of them, staring down at Denzel with The Look. Cloud had stopped cleaning, internally grumbling as he began putting together something that woud qualify as a scolding now, and a talk for him later on about how him being older didn't automatically make him "in charge" of everything.

Normally anyone having Barret look at them like that was enough to give them pause. Denzel didn't even acknowledge he was there. His breathing became quick and uneven. Marlene seemed to have noticed something wrong too, as she had let go of the notebook and had backed off behind Barret's leg. 

"Cloud, get over here," said Barret sharply. He didn't need telling, already out from behind the bar hurrying over to them. 

"Denzel," said Cloud, lowering himself to eye level and shaking him gently. "Hey -- look at me." Denzel didn't acknowledge him either, distressed breathing growing heavier by the second. And now that Cloud was further down enough to see his eyes -- 

"Call Reeve," he said in a hushed voice. 

Barret nodded, turning to Marlene. "Let's go upstairs, baby girl," he said, placing a hand at Marlene's back and herding her out of the room. "What's wrong with him?" protested Marlene, still trying to look over her shoulder. "I wanna see --"

"You can see him in a bit," said Barret in a voice that left no room for argument as they disappeared up the stairs. 

"Denzel?" tried Cloud again. Denzel looked up at him then, eyes a bright, poisonous green, pupils narrowed into slits. 

He'd relapsed. How -- it couldn't relapse, could it? They'd checked, his bloodstream had been completely clean. How could it be back?

He wasn't blank anymore -- instead it looked as though he were having some sort of panic attack, eyes still riveted to the notebook. 

"It's okay," he said, just in case he could still hear him. "It's gonna be okay. I gotcha -- here --" He carefully picked up Denzel and carried him up to his room, sitting them both down on the bed. 

Jenova was a barely-there tug in the back of his head, all but gone entirely ever since the rain, and it was with no small amount of difficulty that he felt his way towards it. Sure enough, there it was -- faint but unmistakable. And through it, there was Denzel -- panicked thoughts prickling through, like a wire stretched taut, vibrating and ready to snap. And he pressed himself in closer, trying to ground him, giving him somewhere to pull away too. Denzel slowly unclenched his hand from the notebook and looked up in confusion.

"...Cloud?"

"How're you feeling?" asked Cloud. 

"...Okay," was the dazed reply. "Back kind of hurts."

"...Lower back?" ventured Cloud. "On the sides?"

"Yeah."

Muscle aches. Early stage geostigma symptoms. 

"You kinda blacked out," said Cloud, doing his best to sound calm. "Do you remember what happened?"

"Think so," said Denzel. "I was talking with Marlene about --" 

He winced, his whole body tensing up, and then he was gone again just as quickly.

"C'mon, kiddo," he said softly. He picked him up again and carried him downstairs. "Call Tifa and tell her to meet me at the hospital," he shouted over his shoulder, snagging his keys on the way out.

Not bothering to stick around for Barret's reply, he awkwardly positioned Denzel behind him on the bike, keeping a tight grip on his arms. He took off down the road, his thoughts racing. 

They'd caught it early this time. He hadn't been starving in the ruins for months beforehand. They had a cure. It'd be fine. He'd be fine.

"Cloud?" came a puzzled voice from behind him. 

Cloud squeezed his hand tighter.

-------------------------------------------

As it turned out, it was fine. Sort of. 

As loath as he was to turn Denzel over to some sort of... "medic", he was out of his depth with this and he knew it. Tifa had joined him in the middle of Denzel's third lapse, by which point he'd realised to not, under any circumstances, bring up what led to him being here. 

"It's treatable," said the man who'd introduced himself as Dr. Crandall, as Denzel was escorted off to another room with a nurse. "Same cure as last time, just as effective. Moreso, in fact. We can have him out of here within the hour.

"The infection isn't physical," he continued. "It's mental. Jenova's managed to lodge its mind within the host's. Where exactly varies from person to person, but there's always a specific memory trigger that it's anchored in and spreads out from."

"You know an awful lot about this," said Tifa, "considering how quickly it's popped up."

"You're not the first case we've had this month," said Dr. Crandall. "Or even today. There's been a mass outbreak of it, but only six fatalities that were entirely preventable. As long as they have access to that pool, or know someone that does, it clears up within a few hours."

There was an edge to his voice, a "but". He could feel it coming.  

"And... that's it?" asked Cloud. "You said -- you said you had a lot of cases. How many?"

"In terms of those that had previously contracted the stigma... about ninety percent seem to be experiencing these relapses." Cloud stiffened. "The only real dangerous part is getting the symptoms to show so we know to treat it in the first place. If it isn't something someone often thought about, it would potentially have a lot of time to spread itself before it was detected."

"And..." began Cloud, dreading the answer, "...how would you go about checking for something like that?"

"To be perfectly honest? Luck," said Dr. Crandall. "Of course, you could just take the cure before you even know you had it, but... you may have ethical concerns about that, too."

"Ethical concerns about not dying?" asked Tifa. 

There was another pause, before the doctor finally spat out what he'd been sitting on. 

"...When purging the physical aspects of the stigma, the water destroyed the infected cells. It was on a small enough scale for the body to not even miss the lost tissue." The doctor glanced back at the door Denzel and the nurse had departed through briefly. "And with this strain, it works the same way -- with the affected memories essentially 'amputated'. I mentioned those fatalities." He sighed quietly. "A few patients decided death was preferable. Never told us specifically what those memories were, but in the end, they refused treatment. It's not something I would personally advise, though I can't claim to know the in-depth details of your lives."

Cloud blinked. "When you say 'amputated', you mean...?"

"This isn't specifically my field, but... from what we've observed so far, if that part of your psyche is infested the water burns that away too, just like it did with the cells. Like removing a gangrenous limb."

Cloud was silent. Was the backache he had psychosomatic? Probably, but it didn't really reassure him any. He suddenly felt unclean, as though there were a million insects clinging to his skin, creating gooseflesh on his arms.

"From what you've mentioned," said Dr. Crandall, resuming his previous pace, "his seems to be that book you mentioned, or whatever prior history he had with it.

[heamatic-a]

@kathexismania​

2019 is almost over!

(a well-deserved positivity for you!!) 

I know I already have told you numerous times over our Discord chat, but I could not resist, as I wrap the year 2019, I could not forget how coming across your blogs (heamatic, desxderium, akanenxmai) have literally changed my life. Before I nabbed Hanzo (and shortly after Kuai) around February and March of this year, I was going to quit roleplaying, writing and being on Tumblr in its entirety. That’s when all the MK11 hype was going around (I was one of them, despite not being a gamer myself) in March and when we began writing together. The moment I came across your blog, Jester, I thought I had hit the jackpot, and I realized that our writing meshes so well together, as well as our muses’ chemistry and dynamics. You have been nothing, but compassionate, kind, understanding and sympathetic and just overall an awesome person, friend and writing partner. I love everything we write together, no matter what muses and verses. 

I treasure Hanzo and Cassie so much, and they certainly have been one of the most unexpected ships that I will ship for eternity, and tbh, they have become one of my otps, because they have grown so much together (compared to their MKX characteristics and regarding the story mode), Hanzo and Becky (for all their emotional baggage and having to withstand themselves from bigger forces trying to hunt and kill them) and Becky being one of the most fleshed-out OCs I’ve ever seen, and you have such a clear and concise idea of her in so many interesting verses and I dig all of them quite honestly, and most recently, Hanzo and Akane, through their conveyed emotions, I absolutely love that they do not have to talk that much to understand each other, and they come across as soulmates, protecting each other’s assets and watching out for their physical and mental sanity. Also Kuai Liang and Cassie, although that is the most unusual ship I’ve ever written to this date, I treasure them because they’re inherently so good and respectful towards each other when they do become a couple. Through our various ships, you have been nothing, but receptive, open, and adaptive, but most importantly, you have listened to all of my ideas and gave me so much confidence, because I was (and still is) so insecure not only of my writing, but weary of how my ideas would come across, as well as my headcanons. 

And talking with you literally daily on Discord certainly helped with my mindset; I’ve grown more confident, and my writing has taken leaps of development. I began to write more headcanon posts and you have always encouraged me to write more, and supported the cause of me going off tangent in developing so many different verses and AUs. I will never forget your kindness with offering me graphics and literally having been serving as a catalyst in my blow’s rebranding and remaking. Without you, it wouldn’t have been possible to get my blog where I am, with such amazing chemistry, dynamics and connection not only OOC, but IC as well. 

I am going to ramble if you don’t stop me, so I will try to keep it short, but you are such a remarkable and exquisite writer. Your writing flow so effortlessly, and not only am I fucking blown away by your internalization/introspection, but your muses’ dialogues, no matter who you happen to grasp with such perfection. Your graphics and art are goals as you’re one of the most talented people I’ve ever seen on this hellsite. If the year 2019 has granted me one thing that’s invaluable and most treasurable, it’s certainly you. You will always be my dear friend and my incorrigible writing partner, and my fucking ride or die.

KATHYYY!

First I wanna apologize because you sent this a few days ago and it took me a while to respond but I wanted my response to be worthwhile.

Now listen – LISTEN – I’m just so glad you followed me when you did. When you followed me and I saw your incredible writing and portrayal, I remember thinking ‘what is this quality blog doing following a potato like me??!’ because you know, I’ve told you many times, just how in awe I am of your poetic writing and how well it flows, how beautiful it is. I’m always completely floored by every reply I receive from you: it’s like Christmas and my birthday all at once every time lol I adore everything we write together, especially since we have a variety of subjects we write: funny, angst, smut, sweet, violent, etc… you name it. There’s never a dull moment and it’s always so much fun! And you already know how I was on the verge of quitting as well, how you’ve managed to make writing so much fun for me again. ;u;

And look: our ships? I love them so freakin’ much! Needless to say I think that save for Akane and Hanzo (even if it’s very recent), none of them were expected yet they mesh so freakin well together? They all give me so many feels, between happiness and angst, it’s just amazing to me how they all fit so well and are all so wholesome in their own way? Despite the hardships they all go through, they’re all very respectful to one another and constantly support each other. And I love how they developed as we wrote them, how natural they feel despite their unusual dispositions. And believe me Kathy, you have no reason to feel insecure about your ideas: they’re always so well thought out and fun. And you know me, I’m chill as can be: I’m always willing to try new things!

And omg… thank you so so so much for your compliment about Becky. It means the world to me, because she’s so important to me and there are times when I lack some confidence in that department, but your enthusiasm toward her has certainly helped me better myself and by proxy, has helped her. I’ve been writing her for five years and I can confidently say that I’ve been having so much fun writing her with you no matter the verse. Like I told you before, I hadn’t lost muse entirely, and I would never, not after five years of writing her, but you’ve most definitely helped bring that spark back. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

I’m so glad you’ve grown more confident, especially with your incredible and excellent writing. Your headcanons are always top notch! I don’t know how you do it because I feel like I can never come up with proper headcanons no matter how much I try lol But you’re always impressing me whenever you post something new. They’re just SO GOOD. I’ve really enjoyed talking with you everyday, and tbh, you’ve helped me through the rougher times, especially the last couple of months. You’ve proven to me that there are still good people out there on this hellsite despite what I went through earlier this year. And for that I thank you. The chemistry we share both IC and OOC is a connection I cherish greatly.

Thank you for such compliments. It means a lot coming from you considering how beautiful your dialogues always are – as are all your inner descriptions of your character’s psyche. I’m constantly blown away by how you make everything come across so well, how it flows so effortlessly. How do you even come up with all these incredible descriptions and inner reflections? I’m so glad you like my graphics and art, because it’s all so much fun to work on, and it’s well deserved to you for being such a good friend to me. Thank you for being so amazing to me, for listening to me, for being such a good friend. I’m sure I’m rambling too, but while 2019 was a difficult year, it brought me some good things, and one of those good things is most certainly your presence in my life.

I’m looking forward to this ever lasting friendship. You’re my ride and die and I cherish the heckie out of you! Thank you again! AND REMEMBER THAT ILY!

[irairaptero]

Things you should do as a college student (or in general) to make your life (and your IT department's) life easier, courtesy of your tired IT mom

Get. Antivirus. Doesn't matter if you have a PC or Mac, doesn't matter if you think you're smart enough not to get a virus. Get. Antivirus.

No I don't mean Avast or Norton or McAfee. These are more trouble than they're worth. You can get free (yes FREE!) antivirus. Malwarebytes (I'll put a link later) is free, for both Mac and PC, and the only catch is you have to manually run scans. It doesn't catch everything but hoo boi does it help.

Please for the love of God save frequently. If you're horrible at remembering to save, use Google Drive, Office Online, something that autosaves for you. I have seen people lose fucking court documents and final papers. Don't be that person.

Speaking of Office! Know what resources your University has! I go to a state college and we have a terabyte of free storage from Box, free Office 365 for up to five devices PER STUDENT, multiple IT helpdesks that do 20-30 minutes of service for FREE and low cost hardware fixes, and our IT department can even meet you in your dorm to troubleshoot. Do your homework and make your life easier.

If you have tech problems, don't wait till they get bad. Invest time in fixing them or things will go south at the worst time.

Google is your friend! Tbh, half of what I do in IT is Google for fixes. Most of my knowledge comes from extensive googling. I am a psych major and now an office manager in an IT department. It doesn't take advanced computer skills to learn about technology and it is a HUGE help.

Computer running slow? Check Task Manager for Windows or Activity Monitor on Mac. It'll show you what programs are running in the background or which run on startup and that can be hella helpful.

Please for the love of puppies and kittens run Windows Updates if you have a PC. Don't put off updates or Windows 10 WILL shit the bed on you. She's a temperamental mistress. Waiting a weekish is fine, if you're paranoid about updates being bad and you want to wait for fixes, but don't put them off for months.

So. If you watch porn and must download it. A) Try to download it from a non sketchy site. B) RUN ANTIVIRUS SCANS. Don't have sex without protection and don't download porn without it either. C) Please please, delete your porn if there IS a problem after you download it because if we have to back up your files we will stumble upon it. IT won't say anything and I don't judge but you probably don't want us seeing it. And it's common courtesy.

If you're gonna pirate things DONT DO IT ON CAMPUS WIFI. That stuff can (depending on the University) result in you getting DMCA violations which is Bad Juju. (at least in the US)

Please don't just use the guest wifi on campus. Get connected to the actual secured wifi if that is an option. Visit your help desk, ask a friend, just do it. You'll be happy.

DO NOT CLICK ON LINKS IN EMAILS IF YOU ARE NOT 99% SURE WHAT IT IS. You will not get legit job offers out of nowhere via email with a link. Your IT department will NEVER send you a link to reset your password (they will send you instructions, not a link). These are phishing and they are bad news.

If you click on a phishing link or provide info, don't panic! Change your passwords (all of them that you use on that computer if you really wanna be careful), run an antivirus scan, and if you're still worried, contact campus IT!

Ask around! Feel free to shoot me tech questions, and I'll do my best!

[anthonycrowleymoved]

can you give some insight into the difference between a sociology and psychology degree cause im trying to major in psych i think and i want to be a therapist and i know lots of people end up getting a masters in social work but i wanna know like... what the differences are ty ilu

hey! full disclosure, i’m a soc major but only took like. one college level class on psych in high school, so i’m not going to pretend i know everything about both subjects. 

they’re definitely related, but when comparing but i think the best way to think of it is in terms of ‘micro’ versus ‘macro’ studying of the self. in my experience, psychology focuses more on how individuals think and how their brain works, while soc focuses more on institutions, inequalities, and social constructs (race, class, gender are the big ones but obviously there are others) and how they affect people, both as groups and as individuals.

past that, i’d say most differences are more with individual departments. for example, from what i understand smith’s psych department is much more quantitative based than the soc department, but i also have read some sociology-based papers (and done some personal research, because data science double major) that have more math basis, and depending on what individual professor’s specialties are there may be some overlap. looking at the course catalog, smith has courses on the psychology of black experiences, for example, which may connect to soc more than clinical neuroscience (another class offered by the department). 

i know a lot of people who are double majors in psych and soc, and from what i understand it’s a relatively easy double major to get (thinking about it of the double majors i know in the soc department probably the most common second major is education followed by psych. i know i’m the only soc/data science double major, as a point of comparison i guess) i also know of some people who majored in soc and then got a phd in psych or vise versa, so they are not wildly different from each other in that way

based on my experience, i know a lot of people here who major in soc and then go into social work and i know a lot of the professors in my department also teach at the school for social work here. again, i’m not at all involved with the psych department, so that could also be the case there, but i think soc students pretty regularly go on to get masters and phds in social work (again, in my limited very biased knowledge). but, based on what i know about the social work program i also don’t think degrees in social work are necessarily the same thing as degrees in councilling. i would probably advise you if you’re on the fence about what you want to study and what you ultimately want to go into to take an intro class in soc and see if you like it, and if you like it more i would say yes, they’re different, but you could still follow your dream of being a therapist with a soc degree (obviously look at programs before you do though because that may not actually be the case i’m kind of talking out of my ass a little bit)

feel free to ask me more questions about soc btw this was kind of rambly but i love the subject a lot lmao

[head-and-heart]

The 100 Highlights - “Eden” (5x01)

Hey there fam! I’m starting this series in honour of the new season of The 100 that is now airing. Basically, it will function similar to review of the episode, except I will be pointing out the highlights of the episode - the things that I liked (not what I was critical of).

In light of 5x01 airing, it has become increasingly clear to me that - no matter how good an episode is - it is too easy for this fandom to get caught up on the negative aspects of it. (And yes, that includes myself sometimes.)

Being critical is good - it is a part of consuming fiction - but it is also important to recognize the positive aspects of literature as well. If not for anyone else, than for your own sanity. So that sparked the purpose of this series: for me to take a step back and think about what I enjoyed about the episode, and then share it to spread a little positivity in fandom. 

I intend to do this for every episode of Season 5, and possibly for later seasons as well (assuming we get renewed) depending on how it goes. 

So, for my first post, I will be talking about “Eden”. 

In no particular order:

The camera following the Ark and speeding down to Earth as the very first shot of the season was pretty cool and really captured the atmosphere of the episode as well as what the heart of the show seems to be: the connection among people even when they are apart, and the ways in which they fight to get back to each other.

Looking back, the cinematography of this episode was honestly stunning. The dull and bleached colour pallet of the scorched Earth versus the vibrancy of Eden is a shocking contrast and there were so many beautiful shots throughout the episode.

Loved the little callbacks to past places and characters - like the stones where they signalled to Luna, Jasper’s goggles, the stick from L.exa’s throne, Maya’s iPod, the rover, etc - it shows how all these people are still very present in Clarke’s mind (and how they are indirectly keeping her alive, keeping her centered).

The attention to detail was really strong in this episode (see above point) with all the props and the music choices (eg. playing the CL theme when Clarke finds L.exa’s throne). Due to this it ensured that, in spite of the time jump, the heart and history of The 100 remained present.

Seriously, there were sooo many cool shots. The shot of Clarke driving as the dust/lightning storm approaches was super neat. I loved how they depicted what life on Earth looks like after Praimfaya, the devastation of the planet. And also the shot of her staring into the flames as she burns the bodies of the villagers was stunning.

Having the entirety of the first 27 minutes following Clarke (and narrated almost solely by her) really nailed home the impact of her isolation and was, not to mention, a very bold storytelling decision

Music was used expertly in this episode. Tree Adams did such a great job at pinpointing when the music was needed, and when the episode was better served by using it liberally (and, on occasion, not at all). In the shot of Clarke sorting through Arkadia, the music is very light, the most prominent sound the whistling of the wind, as if to accentuate the fact that the world has gone completely silent following Praimfaya. It is also used as an homage to old characters who have passed, such as Maya, or L.exa, which I appreciated.

The scene where Clarke finds Jasper’s things was absolutely beautiful, and Eliza killed the scene with her acting. When I watched 4x13 last year I was disappointed to find that the scene where Clarke found Jasper’s suicide note was cut from the finale (it was in the leaked scripts) because I thought it meant Jasper’s memory would be forgotten. In retrospect, I’m happy that they did it this way instead, when Clarke is completely and utterly alone, and she can finally allow the emotions to hit her properly. There were so many amazing callbacks to characters from previous seasons who are no longer around anymore.

“Anyway ... in case this is the last time I get to do this, I just wanna say .. please don’t feel bad about leaving me here. You did what you had to do. I’m proud of you.” We’ve all had over a month to mentally and emotionally prepare ourselves for this line, since the trailer came out, but it remains just as beautiful as the first time.

There’s just something so badass about Clarke driving through an empty post-apocalyptic wasteland, listening to EDM on one of the last remaining pieces of tech on planet Earth. Clarke finding Maya’s iPod was the gift I didn’t know I needed.

Kudos to the makeup department for depicting their female lead realistically after almost dying of dehydration and radiation burns in the desert - sometimes this is not easy to find on a CW show.

Clarke’s frequent radio calls/narration offers up a fresh and interesting way of telling the story in this episode, revealing how Clarke has grown and reflected over the years.

There were soooo many parallels to previous episodes (eg. Clarke rising out of the water like Octavia in 1x01, the irradiated dining room in the village visually paralleling Mount Weather in 2x16, Clarke confronting her map like she did in the very first episode of the series, the shot of her face through the flames as she burns the bodies of the villagers is very reminiscent of 3x12, and everything to do with Madi and Clarke parallels the Blakes. And, of course, Charmaine’s “it means we’re not alone” is an obvious callback to Clarke’s words in the Pilot.)

No emotional beats are missed in 5x01. Clarke finding the child on the step outside the church is just one example of a gutwrenching moment in this episode that emotionally impacts us just in the way that all good media should.

“I’ve lost track of how many bodies we’ve burned since reaching the ground. God, this would be so much easier if I knew you were alive, if I knew I was going to see you again.” My Bellarke heart is singing!

Clarke gushing about berries. Enough said.

The filming of Clarke’s encounter of Madi pays homage to the horror genre, with her appearing suddenly in between the trees, or in the window frame. While not scary, it holds the same mood as 3x12 and 4x07 did - two episodes most strongly associated with typical horror films. I really enjoyed the mystery and intrigue associated with the way they approached Clarke meeting Madi.

By displaying Madi as fearful of flamekeepers, it demonstrates an alternative perspective to the Grounder faith that we haven’t gotten to see before: resistance. It also shines a light on the brutality of the conclave system in a way that is rarely addressed in the show (but perhaps should be).

Clarke performing surgery on herself? SO ! BAD ! ASS !

Clarke’s drawing of Madi was beautiful. And the little girl’s smile after seeing it? Precious.

Clarke spearing a fish? I’m turned on.

They did the absolute MOST gorgeous transition this show has ever done in this episode. And you all know which one I’m talking about. When Clarke is looking up at the stars and says, “What about them? Do you think they’ll come down too?” AND THEN IT SMOOTHLY SHIFTS TO THE ARK, BELLAMY STARING OUT THE WINDOW LOOKING DOWN AT HER AS SHE LOOKS UP AT HIM - BOTH UNKNOWINGLY. And the MUSIC. The music, oh god. Everything about it was stunning. The camerawork, the music, the thematic implications of it all. I just can’t be coherent about how amazing that transition was. Lemme go watch it another five times before I continue.

Raven beating Echo. Raven laughing. Raven. 

The dynamic among the space squad is really intriguing, and Jason Rothenberg communicated so much with so little. With just a few short scenes and lines of dialogue we can perfectly understand everyone’s role on the Ark, the tension between Bellamy and Raven, the uncertainty of Echo paired with the internal struggle of Monty, the way Emori has so seamlessly fitted herself into the group, and how Murphy has just as easily removed himself from it. It’s fascinating to me to watch how these characters interact with each other; how things have remained constant, and how they have shifted.

The fact that “Murphy” is considered one of their chores on the Ark will never not be funny (and equally heartbreaking???).

“Seconds?” “Yeah right, I choose Murphy.” I will never be over Monty’s poor, cute, little hopeful face here. It was adorable.

The Murphy and Bellamy fight scene was a blessing in every single way. First of all, Bellamy being cheeky is my lifeblood. Second of all, Murphy’s story this season is super intriguing to me. And third of all, Bellamy holding Murphy in a headlock as he forces him to admit he’s not worthless is a scene I never would have imagined I would need this much.

“You know what I think your problem is? You like being the hero; only up here, there are no heroes.” I LOVE this line because of how it delves into Murphy’s psyche and also displays him in a different way than Murphy typically is. It shows that, deep down, he really does care about more than himself. When he has so much time to wallow in his own self-loathing, he feels he needs to live up to his own expectations, and he acts out. If he can’t be a hero, then he’ll be what he knows he can be. A dick.

Also ... “there are no heroes” = “there are no good guys”. I love my otp

Bellamy is the biggest dad and I am LIVING for it.

“I’ll make sure it’s my only choice.” Cue Kate’s Bellarkean death.

“Non-violent offenders with me?” “Yeah, both of them.” Okay, I’m sorry but I’ll never stop laughing about this.

“Relax, McCreary. You’re still my favourite mass-murderer.” I loved this little exchange because it hints at the dynamic between all of the Eligius crew. Again, Jason does so much with so little words. It clearly indicates just how different these prisoners are from The 100 - how dangerous. Also ... is Zeke a mass murderer, then?

Monty and Harper’s scene together was enlightening. I’m so excited for Monty’s journey this season, and it makes complete sense for him to go in this direction. What’s intriguing is that him and Harper have almost shifted places from where they were in Season 4, where Harper wanted to give up and Monty was insistent on the need to keep fighting. He brings up a good point now: “No one should have to be that strong.” Because isn’t that the whole truth? I also really appreciated the callback to Monty’s mom, as well as Jasper, as there was a serious concern as to whether those deaths would just be swept under the rug because of the time jump. I’m happy to see that my concerns were for nothing.

Emori and Raven’s friendship is EVERYTHING. 

Nothing is brighter than Raven Reyes’ smile and that’s a fact.

Lindsey and Richard continue to have stunning chemistry and they both feed off each other so well, no matter how you see their relationship.

Ending the episode with the single shot of the fight ring in the bunker and Octavia (and her “royal guards”, so to speak) observing blankly from above was absolutely chilling. And the best possible way to lead into the next episode. 

Hope you enjoyed reading my highlights! Feel free to share some of your own. I’ll be back sometime next week following “Red Queen”.