#and you just have to struggle with the human condition and be able to express none of it

[itspileofgoodthings]

one time my mom was talking about something, I don’t remember what, and she said “have you ever known the poverty of having nothing to say?” and when I say nothing has ever punctured my heart quite like that statement

[axeeglitter]

Back from the Vault: LifeX

Nathan Brown sat hunched over his desk, the glow of his laptop screen illuminating his tired eyes. His San Francisco apartment was a mess: clothes strewn across the floor, empty takeout containers stacked on the kitchen counter, and a half-empty coffee mug perched precariously on the edge of his desk. Nathan's bed was unmade, a tangled heap of blankets and pillows. The room smelled faintly of stale air and sweat, the result of a broken air conditioning unit and a lack of motivation to clean.

Nathan was staring at his laptop screen, scrolling through yet another round of job listings. His bank account was dangerously low, and the anxiety of unpaid bills was gnawing at him. He was 26 years old, recently graduated with a degree in communications, and he was struggling to find any kind of work. His YouTube channel, where he reviewed video games and shared walkthroughs, was his only source of income, but the revenue it brought in was barely enough to buy groceries, let alone pay rent or bills.

Nathan was average in build, with a light tan from his Latino heritage, and short, dark hair that he usually kept neat. His face was lightly stubbled, a sign of his growing indifference to grooming as stress took over. He sighed and rubbed his eyes, feeling the weight of exhaustion settle into his bones. He was on the brink of giving up when a notification popped up on his screen, breaking his focus.

"Subject: Exciting Opportunity for Collaboration!"

Nathan hesitated, then clicked on the email. It was from a company called LifeX. He didn’t recognize the name, but curiosity got the better of him.

“Dear Nathan,

We’ve come across your YouTube channel and believe we could work well together. LifeX is launching a groundbreaking new game, and we are looking for individuals to help us with beta testing and promotion. Your content aligns perfectly with our vision, and we think this could be a great collaboration. If you accept, you’ll also be able to help us optimize the AI of our games by creating your own NPC character, it’ll be later implemented in the game when it’ll be released. Of course, we offer financial compensation for your work.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Best regards, The LifeX Team”

Nathan’s first instinct was skepticism. It sounded too good to be true, and he’d heard horror stories of scams and phishing attempts. But the desperation for money overrode his better judgment. He quickly searched for LifeX online, finding only a sparse website filled with vague marketing speak about “immersive experiences” and “cutting-edge technology.” There were no reviews, no user testimonials, nothing solid. This should have been a red flag, but Nathan was too desperate to care. He needed this. He needed a break.

Nathan decided to respond. He typed out a quick reply expressing his interest. Almost immediately, another email arrived, containing a download link, setup instructions, and a NDA requesting his personal information: name, age, location, and other details. Nathan filled out the form, barely thinking about the potential consequences. He selected the longest trial period possible: one month, hoping it would give him enough content for his channel and enough time to determine if the collaboration was worthwhile.

As soon as he submitted the form, a melodic chime sounded from his laptop, followed by a smooth, professional voice:

“Thank you for signing up, Nathan. To begin your experience, you will first create the NPC character, and then you’ll be ready to start your experience in the environment you’ll choose. For the trial to run successfully, please ensure that your computer remains on for the entire duration of the test period: one month. Any interruption may result in data loss or corruption. Welcome to LifeX.”

Nathan frowned at the last part but shrugged it off. He figured it was just standard legalese, probably meant for immersion. The screen changed to a character creation window, displaying a basic human figure in a T-pose. Nathan leaned forward, curiosity piqued, and started customizing the avatar.

He named the avatar “Cody,” envisioning him as the polar opposite of himself. Cody would be everything Nathan wasn’t: confident, athletic, and effortlessly cool. He adjusted the height to 6'4", pushed the muscle sliders to the maximum, giving Cody bulging biceps, a broad chest, and thick, powerful legs holding a perfectly muscled ass. From the corner of his eyes, Nathan spotted a slider on the groin area. He laughed as he understood he could also determine how big he could adjust Cody’s penis and balls. Smiling, he selected the largest option possible for his dick and added a huge heavy pair of balls to go with it, watching it grow in proportion to the rest of his body. He added bright hazel eyes, bushy eyebrows, and messy dark brown hairs that would contrast perfectly to the pale sun kissed skin.

After the body customization, Nathan saw a new window open: Clothes and accessories. After thinking about it, he chose a pair of denim shorts that ended mid-thigh, showing off Cody’s muscular legs. Nathan opted for no T-shirt, exposing Cody’s ripped torso and added a ripped sleeve shirt opened on his muscled hair pecs. He then moved on to accessories and decided to put a loop earring on his right ear and a silver chain around his neck.

After the customization was done, it was asked for Nathan to enter some information about the NPC he just created to create a base behavior for him. After a while, Nathan decided to go for the stereotypical fratbro behavior to go with the appearance he just did. He started typing, adding details about Cody’s lifestyle. He entered notes in the behavior interface: “Cody is dumb as a brick. He loves gym, training and being barefoot, feeling the ground under his calloused feet.” He laughed as he added another line: “Cody never takes showers, loves the smell of his own musk, enjoys sniffing his hairy armpits after a workout and scratching his big dick every couple of minutes after what he smells them and always smile enjoying his own musk.” Nathan chuckled, amused at the thought of creating such a ridiculous character. It was so far removed from his real life that it seemed like a fun NPC to talk and interact with. Just a dumb easy-going character that is always down for a fuck and a drink after a gym session barefoot in the woods.

Satisfied with his creation, he confirmed the settings. The game prompted him to select a location, and he chose the Secluded Forest Realm, envisioning Cody as a carefree physical trainer just out of college living in a cabin in the wilderness.

The screen went black for a moment, and the professional voice returned: “Now that your character is complete, it’s time to play! Please keep your computer running at all times to maintain synchronization. Any interruption may lead to data corruption. Enjoy your month-long experience, Nathan, and welcome to LifeX.” Nathan was really getting excited now. He conder what kind of character he would create for himself when he saw a flash of light on the screen. It looked like some kind of swirling mesh, almost like a blackhole. For a moment Nathan thought it was kind of a cool effect, but everything changed when he went to grab his half drink cup of coffee sitting next to him only to realize his right hand was tingling and tiny particles were escaping his nails, flying straight to his screen.

A sudden wave of fatigue hit Nathan, and the lights in his apartment flickered briefly. A sense of unease washed over him, making the hairs on his arms stand up. Before he could react, the tingling sensation spread from his fingertips up through his arms. He stared in disbelief as his fingers began to dissolve into streams of glowing white code, spreading quickly across his body. He tried to scream, but his voice caught in his throat. His vision blurred as the Life X logo was pulsing in bright light in the center of the screen with a loading bar under it going up further and further. The last thing he saw was the 100% before everything went black.

Nathan found himself suspended in a void. He was floating, naked, surrounded by darkness. Panic set in, his heart racing as he tried to move, but his body was frozen in a T-pose. The sensation was bizarre, as if he were trapped in a dream. He wanted to call out, but his voice was muffled, like shouting underwater. The smooth, professional voice returned, echoing through the void:

“Welcome to your new life, Nathan. Don’t panic; this process is normal and painless. In a few moments, you will begin your ideal life in the Secluded Forest Realm. Relax and feel calm. Avatar synchronization will begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…”

“What the fuck, where am I? What is going on? Why can’t I move?! HELP!!” thought Nathan as he tried to scream even though his face remained frozen.

Nathan’s body suddenly stiffened. A pressure built inside him, starting at his core and spreading outward. His bones stretched and cracked, lengthening to match Cody’s new height. His arms and legs grew longer, muscles bulging and expanding to fill out his new form. Nathan could feel his muscles tearing and healing at an accelerated rate, becoming stronger and more defined with each passing second.

His skin began to tighten, smoothing out imperfections and leaving with a perfectly smooth skin all around his muscled body. Nathan would be screaming if his voice mas not muted. Everything was burning and it was like feeling his DNA being rewritten while still being conscious. As he felt tears rising up his eyes, a new sensation invaded his newly modified skin. In his pits, legs and between his pecs, he felt like thousands of needles were piercing holes. The sensation was only multiplied as he started to feel hair sprouting from the holes. They were dark brown and thick but worst, the sensation of piercing needles started to appear around his groin too. Still wondering what was happening to him, Nathan tried to connect the elements he could find and that when he realized. The secluded forest, the muscles, the hair; that was Cody’s information, which means… Just enough time to understand what was happening to him when the hair started to sprout in abondance around his dick and nuts and climbing up his sculpted abs in a thin happy trail. After the hair, the modifications started to appear on his face. His jawline becoming sharper and more angular, his cheekbones more pronounced. His lips filled out, becoming more defined, while his eyebrows grew thicker, framing his eyes. His vision sharpened, colors becoming brighter and more vivid. His brown eyes shifted to a bright hazel as he lost vision for a moment. Everything was happening all at once and still, Nathan felt like it was an eternity of pain.

Nathan’s hair thickened, turning into soft, dark strands that fell casually over his forehead. His ears reshaped slightly to match his new head structure. A sensation of warmth spread through his throat as his vocal cords tightened, his voice box reshaping. When he tried to speak, his voice was deeper, richer, and carried a slight accent, a relaxed, Western drawl.

Nathan felt a growing warmth in his groin and realized what was about to happen now. All of a sudden, he regrated giving Cody such a big dick and heavy nuts. His cock thickened and lengthened, becoming larger than Nathan had ever been. He could feel the veins snaking down his growing dick as his cock head started to grow thicker and bigger. He could feel the cold air surrounding him as the head sneaked out of his foreskin. Wait, his foreskin? He didn’t remember going this far in details. His nuts fall down and grew thicker and full of potent cum as he could feel them going overload working on creating new manly sperm nonstop. Nathan could feel the horniness starting to rise as his body was assaulted by huge amount of testosterone. A drop of precum appeared at the tip of his cock as he could feel the weight of it between his legs, an odd sensation that both embarrassed and intrigued him. His buttocks tightened, becoming firm and lifted, while his thighs and calves thickened with muscle.

The transformation was almost complete when Nathan felt a sharp pain on his left pec. He wanted to scream, but his body was still frozen. The pain was like a branding iron pressing into his skin. “What is this?!” screamed Nathan in his new deep voice. A voice appeared from all around him “Dear user: NATHAN BROWN, as talked with you earlier on, you agreed to review and help us create the new generation of AI used for our NPCs. For that, your character, CODY, will have to be monitored. This assignation, XXIV, is the link to your identity and allow us to track your character. Please relax as your actions will be tracked and then saved. The program will make sure to copy all your movements, thoughts and everything that your character, CODY, might do to make sure to copy human mechanism that will be implemented in our NPCs later on. Thank you for your service.” When it subsided, a Roman numeral tattoo “XXIV” was there, bold and black, as if it had always been part of him. Nathan could feel the tattoo pulsing with energy, as if it was more than just ink on skin.

As his body finished transforming, clothes materialized around him. He now wore a sleeveless, open checkered flannel shirt and a short pair of denim shorts. Then he felt his ear being stabbed as the earing appeared in it and the coldness of the silver metal appeared around his neck. His feet then started to tingle as Nathan could feel the skin of his sole getting thicker and denser to better serve his barefoot lifestyle in the forest.

Nathan was terrified about what he just heard; his humanity was going to be used to program AI that will be implemented in NPCs. How is that even possible? Does that mean he was Cody now? And for a whole month? He didn’t agree to this. He had a life outside, friends, job to find, maybe some interviews if he was lucky. And about the bills? What was he going to do?

As all the questions were swirling in his head, Nathan fell the restriction holding his body in place as it was being modified lift. He could move on his own again, and the first thing he tried to do was take of his shirt or necklace. But every tug on the clothes or metal fell like he was trying to rip a part of him away. The clothes were part of him now. Nathan started to feel tears rise once again in his ears as all he could see around him were the infinite void of this artificial world. “Modification process terminated, Assimilation to the realm starting in 3,2,1…” Out of nowhere, the ground started to shake under Nathan’s barefoot. Then he saw light pierce through the ceiling. As a reflex, he put his hands to cover his bright hazel eyes but the light was way too bright. Nathan could see entire walls of darkness vanish and being obliterated by this bright light coming from above and fear started to raise in him. Nathan closed his eyes as all he could see was the infinite light engulfing the void and him with it. When he opened his eyes, Nathan was alone in a cabin in the woods, standing in front of a mirror. For the first time, he could see from the first person point of view what the body he created really looked like. Everything was looking so life like, even scent of pine and dirt were coming from the opened window next to him. He could smell the woods, feel the sun on his skin, the wood under his foots. Everything was lifelike. As Nathan sight started to look what his transformed body looked like, his head started to spin. Nathan grabbed it with his two manly hands but the pain was growing stronger. And in the blink of an eye, Nathan was no more. Cody stared at his reflection before smiling and flexing his biceps while smiling. His right hand lowered to get inside his shorts and scratch his hairy dick before putting his fingers under his nose to smell his musk. Cody laughed as he walked away, grabbing a snack on his way out to go exercise a bit in the nature.

“New NPC starting test phase. Remaining time 30 days, 23 hours 59 minutes 23 seconds. Behavior analysis… Acting following user NATHAN BROWN encoding. Tester assimilation… Assimilation stable, user will turn back when tests are over.”

______________________________________________________________ Hey guys! Here's another story back from the Vault, and it's my first ever published story: LifeX Hope you guys enjoy this new version of my story. Let me know what you think of it. As always, my asks are open and i'm always looking for new ideas and prompts from you. I try to answer them all and I love to read your ideas so please, don't be afraid to send anything you'd like me to write and I'll do my best to do it :) Take care of yourself! P.S. A follow up to this story should arrive soon ;)

[synthetickitsune]

Vampire!The8 (SVT) | Loss angst | 0.9k | gn!reader warnings: unspecified accident, reader dies A/N: i was too slow to post these through october for spooky season but oh well, the rest of the members coming soon

“Stay still. Shhh. Don’t make it hurt more.” 

His voice is strained with emotions like you’ve never heard before. It’s gentler. Like the last drops of hot shower running down your back. 

His hand is stroking your head. It’s like you’re only resting on the couch, head in Minghao’s lap while he reads and you’re slowly falling asleep. All is done for this day, nothing left to worry about. If you fall asleep, he’ll carry you to bed and go back to reading. When you wake up, you’ll still find him there. You’ll see the glow coming from the living room. A simple evening; evening filled with love and harmony.

You’re dying.

You know it to be true and inevitable.

You can feel life flowing out of you and pooling under your body, blood pushing blood from where it should be contained in your veins and arteries. 

All this blood, your blood, and yet there’s no hunger in the vampire’s eyes. It’s getting harder to look at him, but you won’t deny yourself a second of it.

“Are you okay with this?” you ask without accusing him. You manage to smile, so your condition is not that bad still. He nods, an uncertain expression on his face. He’s not second-guessing himself, he just doesn’t want you to blame him. You know he’d still try his best to fix things if you were angry with him, if you begged him to bite you and turn you into one of his own kind. But Minghao isn’t like that. He wouldn’t. You know you wouldn’t be able to change his mind if you tried - and you never would try. He must be upset enough as it is. And you’ve talked about this extensively, you know where he stands. You understand. And in a way, you’re grateful it’s going to end like this. 

“Are you?” he still checks even if nothing would change if you weren’t. You lean your head against his stomach, feeling the cold of his body against your cheek. Soon you suppose you’ll be just as cold.

“I wanted to have more time with you but it is what it is,” you try and fail to laugh.

“Don’t think about me now,” he frowns, “There’s a whole world for you to see.”

“Scolding me until the end, hm?” you manage a small chuckle that melts into a fond smile seeing him bite his lip. His eyes glaze over. You wonder if he’s rethinking his choice. “Come closer. I don’t think I can lift my arms anymore.”

He moves quickly but carefully so he doesn’t jostle you too much. He kisses you once, the kiss lingering as if it could stop the time.

“I’m here,” he whispers against your lips, “I’m here, don’t worry. You’re safe, you’re not alone.”

You nod. There’s a whole world you won’t get to see. That you could see if he granted you the immortality he himself possesses. But is it a gift or a curse? You don’t think you could handle it. You know Minghao struggles with it too. Above all, he despises his maker for forcing it on him. Your human pride and arrogance yells at you to beg for it. 

Minghao always called you smart. You will follow reason once more.

“What happened?” you inquire instead. There’s a blank space between here and minutes ago. It doesn’t matter, the result will be unchanged, but you feel like you should know. 

“Accident. Something that shouldn’t have happened,” he responds, vaguely, and with more effort than it’s worth. You’ll die anyway.

“You’re taking it worse than I am,” you smile - try to. It’s getting harder. Your body is starting to feel colder. “I’m not going anywhere you can’t follow.”

“You don’t know that,” he whispers and he pulls you closer. You can barely recognize that his skin is cold, much closer to your own body temperature now, but you feel the pressure of his embrace. His forehead rests against yours, his eyes desperately locked on yours. 

“In life you believed in nothing. You will go to nothing,” the quote comes to your mind unprompted. Who said it? “So you need to believe me.”

The vampire doesn’t answer the question, but closes his eyes before the tears can fall. Does it count as a demon crying? You wonder what goes on in his head. Is it memories of your night and days of him sharing ancient books with you, of you introducing modern shows and books to him? Is it longing for a future that won’t come to be?

“I love you, Hao,” you whisper. Your chest feels heavy. You’re glad he’s holding you. Your body feels like a bag of sand. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t,” his eyes snap open, glassy, and yet as intense as ever. His expression softens right after, voice dropping low. “I will carry your memory with me. I will treasure you until I find you again, my love.”

“I want to hold your hand,” you whisper. You can’t move your arm, you can’t move much at all. He helps you, squeezes your hand hard enough that you feel it through the numbness. 

“I’m right here. I will believe you, yeah?” he kisses your forehead, lips lingering against your skin. It’s unfair that it's harder for him than it is for you.

“Remember the world for me,” you put the last bits of energy into smiling, “Tell me all about it when we meet again.”

[brucewaynehater101]

They 100% named themselves Drakes just to snicker internally whenever someone calls them that like, "you're so close, so *so* close but not quite dear." As for if he comes back to life or not, I was thinking that he comes back at the expense of his own feathers and it's one of the few ways to kill a Phoenix. If he is killed, one of his larger flight feathers (either wings or tail) will burn up and he revives with the injury fully healed. Something that would be fatal given time (such as a slit throat that causes them to slowly bleed out) would cost him one of his downy feathers. They can use multiple (3 to7 depending on severity) downy feathers instead of one flight feather. The bigger the injury, the bigger the feather needed to recover from it. If you strip a Phoenix of all it's feathers and *then* kill it, it will stay dead.

Tim has 100% nearly or actually died on patrol multiple times, but his hidden feathers brought him back. This is part of why he can never tell his family. Could you imagine the fall out of him saying, "yeah, if I wasn't a Phoenix, I would have died on patrol and missions at least 14 times"? That shit would not end well for *anyone*, least of all Tim or Bruce.

As for if they can hide as humans, oh boy do I have a juicy idea for that which has to do with Tim's emotional repression. Everyone who knows about them knows they can hide as humans on one condition. Phoenix are know for their tempers and when they loose it and start screaming and fighting due to anger, their wings instinctively pop out to help them because they're just *to angry* to even consider holding the glamor. Tim was taught at a very young age that loosing his cool could mean death, or something so, so much worse than death. Tim can't get angry with his family, he can't have screaming fights with them, he has to regard them with almost cold indifference when they argue, giving no more reaction than an angry huff or pinching his brow. He can't scream or swear or punch like they do when they get mad. He doesn't have that option. Because if he does, if he does let go and tear into them for everything they have ever done to him, he is going to flare his wings in an attempt of an intimidation display and they will *know*.

Damn. Tim having to repress his emotions not just because that's what he was taught from a young age and it's never emotionally safe to do so. There's that plus the added stress of his actual survival being contingent on his ability to repress emotions.

There are a few side effects to him constantly suppressing his emotions. One, he wouldn't be able to feel happy emotions as deeply either. If he fully felt happy and relaxed around his loved ones, he'd switch into anger/hurt more easily. Obviously, he can't do this. Two, he doesn't allow himself to be hurt by what fucked up things happen to him. Three, he has a harder time connecting with people. People tend to see his emotional distance as a lack of care/love. That's not true, but he struggles to outwardly express his emotions.

I like the ideas you put for Tim healing and the added angst of why he doesn't tell his family what he truly is

[venusandsaturnsrings]

Venus my dear have you ever thought about fox hybrid childe? Like the fluffy ears in that mess of orange hair and his already sluttaly low rise pants hanging just under the base of his tail? With both a happy trail that runs down towards his cock and one that runs a short length down his back towards the mess of fluffy orange and white that is his tail? Like a full on feral hybrid, and why not add that good ol' knot on his cock too just cause I can!

Now think about fox boy childe and him bring so eager to have you swallow his cum that he knows your mouth, knowing full well you won't be able to take it and will be stuck there, nose pressed into the wet mess of his happy trail, eyes rolling back and breathing shallow as he watches how you struggle to swallow his load.

Or maybe....

Childe smirking down at you as he pulls you forward and make sure you feel how he swells behind your teeth before he comes, fingers tangled in your hair as he sighs, only now that you're truly stuck on his cock dose he release your hair, chuckling, as he watches you and your absolutely wrecked appearance, eyes rolled back in your head, hands falling from his hips, where your pathetic attempts to push him away had failed, just watches how your arms drop limply next to your sides.

Your blurry vision just starting to fade in and out, and the last thing you are actually aware of before you pass out, is one of his hands petting you gently and the other wiping the tears from your cheek as he coos down at you, ears flicking and twitching as another pulse of his cum floods down your throat.

Just think about fox hybrid childe...

ermm… me vs hoardin all of cors asks!! for me n me only!! but… i suppose i can share… cor i luv u i’m givin u a kiss rn mwah mwah!! U^ェ^U

fox childe thoughts!! nothin too fancy just the fuzzy lil guy bein evil wif his knot!! point form headcannon format :3

fuzzy fella!! he’s used to running around in without having to worry about how he’s dressed. hybrids like himself get certain privileges like less people caring about how they present. sure, it’s based in the idea that hybrids are ‘less than human’ but Ajax is like most in which he’ll use it to his advantage. he love love love loves walking around shirtless.

he’s about 6’2, bulky, and muscly. being part animal means he has to stay well in shape for hunting and the many other physical activities that are required of him. his tummy does have some chub!! the tummy chub is good for keeping him warm and healthy through the winter months. also most certainly a hairy boy; a happy trail no one can match.

loves having his tails and ears washed!! please do wash, condition, dry, and brush them he will make a little purring type noise like a motor. he tends to be a bit messy with everything he does, eating, playing, and existing, but a clean and fluffy fox is a happy fox!!

when it comes to his… more primal urges… he’s well aware that full humans aren’t built to accommodate certain characteristics. that won’t stop him from forcing it, though. he’s born to express his needs a certain way and will make it happen even if it hurts you both.

Ajax is already most certainly well endowed. about 8” hard with an upwards curve. he’s got a bit of thickness too but what’s really thick is his knot. his cock is great for splitting you open and pumping you full and it’s also delightfully heavy in your mouth.

he is an unashamed face-fucker. this does loop back into his base instincts of ‘cock in warm wet hole? need to go hard and fast to breed mate,’ though it’s also a personal preference of his. Ajax could hold back if he really wanted to but… why would he when you look so pretty covered in tears with your face turning blue?

lover of messy head. with the way he’ll be bucking into your throat, you’ll already be producing plenty of saliva and tears to moisten his dick but it’s not uncommon for him to spit down onto it as well to make it extra filthy. all fluids will end up being swallowed by you, and maybe him, in the end.

him… knotting your mouth… i am admittedly a bit hot and bothered by this… think of it sort of like sticking a lightbulb in your mouth. it can go in find but, you have to break it to get it out. Ajax’s knot will go in your mouth fine but, you’ll have to wait for it to go down to get it out.

he gets off on seeing you sputter around the massive load of seed lodged in your throat that you can’t properly swallow. he’ll most definitely twitch and shoot out a couple more little bursts while watching you struggle and whimper over everything shoved in your face.

Ajax won’t be completely cruel about it, you’ll still get plenty of praise and pats to your head!! it’s almost enough for you to ignore how he sets his hips fully to your face and covers your nose with his fingers. truly, he does want you to pass out.

he just thinks it’s cute when your cunts been fucked so nice that you end up knocked out so he’s gotta figure out some way to make that happen when it’s your throat he’s fucking!! doesn’t mind forcing it at all.

you’ll wake up clean and with a big fox man curled around you. he’s very easy to forgive when he licks your face as kisses and wags his tail; his own set of charms.

foxboy childe 100/10 a very wonderful lil guy!! mean, sure, but very loving… and needy… and aggressive… and protective…

i wish i had better thots tew add but… cor u have done my brain in once again!! i jus wan my lil fox guy :((

[max1461]

I think something which is not widely acknowledged in discussions about division of labor in (usually heterosexual) relationships, despite its utter obviousness, is the following: the workload involved in either working a full time job or taking care of housework is alone already grueling in and of itself to many people; many people find it barely manageable. If someone does not want to help with the housework after coming home from their job, or conversely does not want to pitch in to help with the couple's joint income because they are already doing all the housework, this is not necessarily any kind of expression of entitlement. It is I suspect very often an expression of exhaustion, emotional or physical. It is not necessarily that such people would do these things themselves if they lived alone, and thus are merely being opportunistic in expecting their partner to do them—for many people, if they lived alone, they would simply not be able to bring themselves to do these things at all, and thus would either live in filth or in poverty/dependence on others, because humans are finite being of limited capacity.

This is a particular bugbear for me because during the pandemic, for reasons that you all already know, I found myself unable to do either. I could not support myself nor could I manage housework, and thus I found myself in the unpleasant and humiliating experience of having to depend wholly on my parents for my living situation and also living in very gross and unpleasant conditions to boot.

So, yes, sometimes, probably oftentimes (especially in light of heterosexual social scripts) someone is just unfairly shunting work onto their partner because they can get away with it. But sometimes I suspect people would like to be able to do more, but even with no other option they could not. Sometimes a single person might "choose" to come back to a dirty house every day because after a day of work and ~3 hours of commute they would rather capture some small portion of their waking life for mental rest instead of spending 100% of it working, and if they get a partner this is not necessarily going to change although it may be viewed differently.

Of course, this person's partner is very possibly (indeed I think probably) in the exact same position, and I think if you really care about someone it is generally desirable to sacrifice some of your rest and peace and to engage in otherwise undesirable toil in order to ease their burden a bit. I think that's admirable. But these situations must be approached with the understanding that both parties may to some degree be struggling to do their best, and not succeeding out of the shear difficulty of the task rather than out of neglectfulness.

Yes, I contend that the mere basics of living are a task of considerable difficulty, however silly this may sound. It is obviously true. Perhaps not for everyone but for very many.

[dropintomanga]

Gachiakuta Has an Answer to Feeling Nothing

How many of us who have been through mental health struggles have often said that we feel nothing? How often have we said that we have nothing? What is there for us when it feels like there's no worth in life?

Kei Urana's Gachiakuta has one answer to avoid falling into a state of despair.

The story is about a young boy named Rudo Suberec, who finds himself thrown into the deep pit of society, appropriately titled the Pit, after being framed for the murder of his foster father, Regto. In the Pit, Rudo encounters a world filled with trash and monsters that inhabit it. He later discovers a group of superpowered humans (called Givers) known as the Cleaners and helps them out all while trying out to figure out the truth and discovering his own potential as a Cleaner.

In one encounter with a rival Giver (known as a Raider) in Volume 3, Rudo struggles to unlock his power while witnessing the Raider mercilessly attack one of his colleagues. The Raider says the person wasn't worth anything of value to anyone. This triggers the following flashback of Regto from Rudo.

A young Rudo once felt that because he was abandoned, he's deemed worthless because he can't follow anyone's instructions. Regto is right in saying if you're feeling nothing, a major reason why you feel that way is because you don't have something you like or anything you really want to do.

For me when I had major depression, while I did have friends and hobbies, I still felt nothing at times. They helped a bunch, but I think about what Regto was saying about seeing and experiencing things in the 3rd image. Having a support system and hobbies are great, but it felt like I needed to face reality as well and see it for what it is. Over time, I started to understand what was really important to me. I needed to see other people's experiences offline and see for myself how they live. Then maybe I'll end finding something I truly like that would keep me attached to this world beyond material interests.

To me, I found worth in learning about people opening up with their struggles and realizing that positivity wasn't the total answer to life's problems. What I really wanted to do was to stop chasing happiness. What I wanted to do was slow down in the face of a fast-paced world that demands so much from us. I felt I hated myself because I couldn't keep up. I wanted to stop being on social media so much because it was preventing me from seeing the full picture of life.

That's why I want people with mental health conditions (especially teenagers) to be able to experience things as much as they can. Meet people or a community who can help guide you in a way where you have control of how you want to feel alive and make a real difference in life. Face your past and realize that you can keep the pain of it to a minimum. You are more than just a victim of awful circumstances. Harness your core values.

And more importantly, find a way to describe and express the feelings you have that are driving you to feel empty. Rudo couldn't put to words what he was feeling, but knew something was off. Regto was able to explain things clearly and this subsequent moment happened below.

The real worth is being able to express your feelings, good and bad, because that's when the possibilities to rise from the pit of despair, a la Gachiakuta, happens. And then your inner world will be full of things you will like that are worth living for.

[mirageofadesert]

On a heartless path of his own: A character study of Tantai Jin from TTEOTM

aka: an excuse to talk about Tantai Jin, as well as Luo Yunxi's acting, excessively

For some reason all media in these posts were taken down due to acopy right claim. You can still see them on reddit!

Born into tragedy, living out someone else's script, destined to suffer all the hardships of humanity, only to rise above it all and ascend to godhood - Tantai Jin's journey is one of epic proportions. It's a story of struggling to control your own destiny, learning to love and grow, but ultimately sacrificing everything for the greater good. And while the story is larger than life, Luo Yunxi's excellent acting grounds it in humanity - drawing the audience into the tragedy that is the life and death of Tantai Jin, Ye Xiwu's husband.

The empowerment of embracing powerlessness

“Dignity? It means nothing to me. For me, personally, this bowl of rice matters more. I can’t survive without food. But I had had dignity would have died long ago.” (TTJ in E02)

As a devil's fetus, Tantai Jin is born without love strings and therefore without the ability to process emotions. This is exacerbated by the loveless and harsh conditions in which he grows up. Struggling to survive from an early age, Tantai Jin lacks any form of control or agency in his own life. The audience pities him, easily excusing his psychotic tendencies on the unfortunate circumstances of his life. And while this is true to an extent, in the context of Till The End Of The Moon's literary and poetic approach to storytelling, I would argue that he is also a "Kunstfigur" - a symbol of humanity, rather than the representation of a real person.

In this sense, Tantai Jin is a stylistic device to tell a story about humanity and fate. The term "Kunstfigur" comes from German literature and theater, and describes a character who stands at a certain distance from reality, i.e. reflects it in some way. Tantai Jin did not become evil, he was born with something evil. The people around him abused him, not just because it's human nature to do so, but because they noticed that there was something wrong with him, something unsettling. We see this best in his two maids who witnessed his birth and childhood. The actions of all these characters are not meant to be realistic, they are a comment on the reality of humanity. This is what makes Till The End Of The Moon such a compelling (and controversial) drama.

What makes Tantai Jin's suffering so special is that even when he reaches a new low, he never seems truly weak. There is so much emotion in his expression that even when he is deliberately schools his face to look indifferent, you can always see a hint of underlying emotion, often some kind of deviance, burning in his eyes.

Saving face, avoiding humiliation and embarrassment are powerful incentives for behavior. Pride or ego make us try to avoid these negative experiences. But what if these negative experiences determined our entire lives? Tantai Jin fears neither humiliation nor belittlement, only hunger and betrayal. He has not only become accustomed to them, he is unable to process them properly. More than that, he has understood how accepting humiliation can be empowering in itself. There is power in being seen as weak. There is power in making others think they have power over you. There is power in letting go of pride. There is power in not fighting back, in not giving others the satisfaction of seeing you struggle and suffer. And it's not just that he lacks the threads of love and doesn't understand human emotion. It's the way he accepts his fate that makes him feel powerful.

This is unique for a character in fiction. Such a role is usually reserved for the court jester or a concubine. Tantai Jin is neither. I think what makes these characters so different is also Luo Yunxi's subtle but excellent acting skills. He is able to portray weakness without ever feeling weak. His approach to acting allows him to express many complex emotions in every single scene. It's not just in his facial expressions, but also in the way he immerses himself in a character, studying it beforehand and pushing himself to his physical limits when necessary. I don't think many actors would be able to create such a convincing character as Tantai Jin.

This last scene is fascinating not only because of the excellent acting, which makes the special effects seem almost real because of the convincing way Luo Yunxi interacts with them. It's also interesting for other reasons: After Tantai Jin feels real (magical) power the first few times, it's implied that he will succumb to it, become hungry and greedy for more - but he never does. These episodes (e.g. the nightmare demon and the crow attack during the wedding) are meant to give the audience a glimpse of a possible future in which Tantai Jin becomes fully evil, which never materialises. When Tantai Jin comes to power, he's nothing like the Devil God.

He does feed excessively on demons, but this is either never shown on screen or presented as a necessity of war. He gains his throne not in a great battle, but through small acts of power rather than great ones - fending off rodents, sharing soup with the court officials, showing humility and wit with the scholars, and making positive changes to social policy so that his people don't have to suffer hunger and hardship as they once did. On the battlefield, Tantai Jin's power is great, and no opponent stands a chance against him. But being a king is not just about the power of one man - it's about the lives of the soldiers he leads, the lives of his people, the safety of his tribe and the happiness of the woman he loves.

Setting on a path of love

“The immortals say, body, heart, and mind are three different parts. When the three parts are unified, the internal elixir is formed. Empty thy heart to unite soul and character. Calm thy body to silent energy and mood. Steady thy mind then all three merge into one. Destroy your desire for romantic love, and then you can understand the universe and all lives. This is the one and only way of the Hearless Way. (LSS in E06)

At the beginning of the story, Tantai Jin is on the opposite path to the Heartless Way. He has no real desire for romantic love, until Li Susu as Ye Xiwu awakens those feelings. Moreover, her kindness takes root in his heart and begins to blossom. Quite literally, as you can see in the scene below:

Through Li Susu's acts of care and love, as well as her determination to protect his life, Tantai Jin slowly falls in love with her. Even without her, he was never cold-hearted. He was compassionate towards animals, never unnecessarily cruel - at least not on purpose or before he was pushed too far. So his newfound ability to process emotions and experience love is not limited to Li Susu/Ye Xiwu.

He shows it to his mother's tribe, in his negotiating skills with Ye Quingyu, in his relationships with Pianran and Nian Baiyu, and in his ability to lead a country. He is a natural leader and a good ruler. Tantai Jin proves to be tenacious and hardworking, loyal, intelligent and even dignified.

in certain mannerisms, or in the elaborate way Tantai Jin dresses now that he has access to proper clothing. Or in the way he personally leads his army, just as Mingye did. (Mingye's influence may be most visible when Tantai Jin becomes Cang Jiumin). It may even have influenced his views on Ye Bingchang. Most importantly, however, is his shared experience of the tragic but deep love between Mingye and Sangjiu. He slowly begins to face and accept his feelings for Ye Xiwu and tries to win her over - while still learning to process feelings of love, jealousy and rejection. His love for Ye Xiwu becomes obsessive and suffocating. His insecurity and jealousy become blinding to a degree that costs Xian Lin his life and Ye Xiwu her freedom.

The battle for Tantai Jin's heart has always been both emotional and magical, as the evil bone resides within it, leaving Li Susu no choice but to pierce it with nails manifested from the love the same heart felt for her.

After Ye Xiwu's death and sacrifice, Tantai Jin loses his mind in grief. His morbid obsession with Ye Xiwu leads him to hold onto her corpse, and later drives him to take his own life in an attempt to be reunited. After failing, Tantai Jin spends the next 500 years single-mindedly searching for his beloved's soul, experiencing excruciating pain on a daily basis. The tragedy of this event is that he is searching for the wrong soul. He still doesn't know when someone else took over Ye Xiwu's body, or what the flashback Ye Xiwu showed him in her last moment really means.

His love for Ye Xiwu has blinded him to everyone around him: His friends, his subordinates, and his people. He no longer cares about anything but his dead wife, not even his own life.

The Heartless Way

There is a misconception about the Heartless Way, especially among international audiences who lack cultural context. It's rooted in Buddhist and Daoist ideas that "heaven and earth are heartless" or "heaven and earth are not partial". What this means is that the Heartless Way is not devoid of emotion, it's quite the opposite: It is about overcoming personal attachments so that one can love and have deep compassion for every living being. It's about equality, not putting one life above another. The idea of the Way itself is probably linked to the concept of wuxin, which is achieved when a person's mind is free from thoughts of anger, fear or ego during combat or everyday life.

While it is Li Susu, who has decided to peruse this way in order to seal the evil bone within her body, I think Tantai Jin has, unbeknownst to him, set on the same path – and even if it’s just within the meta story-telling of the drama.

As Cang Jiumin, Tantai Jin’s love grows. At first, he is still focused on reviving his long death wife and therefore tries to stay in the Xiaoyao sect. However, his time there has subtle but far-reaching consequences. The first task, Cang Jiumin is entrusted with, is to help an old, blind woman trapped by her inability to accept the death of her only son. For this mission, he is given a sword by his master:

This sword is called South Branch. Forged by my Master when he was still alive. It was transformed from plum blossoms. It has the heart of spring and the soul of the frost. It carries no killing intent. If you see the world with kindness, you’ll have no obsession and see true freedom. I’ll give it to you as a witness. When you can awaken it, you can understand it. (E30, Master Zhao You to TTJ)

Tantai Jin witnesses how obsession, even when it's the all-consuming love of a mother, can destroy a person. The old women's story mirrors Tantai Jin's own inability to come to terms with Ye Xiu's death. He tells the women about his beloved wife and how she taught him to be a good person, something he is no longer sure he is. His need for Ye Xiwu was inherently selfish, and he never really thought about what she would have wanted. When the old women ask him if he would turn into an evil person to get his wife back, he briefly considers the possibility of using the power of the Devil God, but decides against it because it's not what Ye Xiwu would have wanted. In the end, Tantai Jin uses a lie to redeem the old woman. He, who never had a mother, embraces her as she dies in his arms. When he returns to his master, something has been set in motion: Tantai Jin lets go of his obsessive love for Ye Xiwu.

Most of the following scenes in the third arc, which are not directly related to the rebirth of the Devil God or Li Susu, are related to this theme. For example, the secret technique of the Xiaoyao sect, the Xiaoyao Swordplay, requires him to "follow and practise his heart". From this point on, Cang Jiumin gains power through diligent practice and kindness. Tantai Jin's ability to love begins to grow, soon encompassing his master and sect brothers. Another example is that the symbolism of food, which had always been a symbol of his relationship with Li Susu, is now used in relation to his sect brothers and master. Tantai Ji begins to care more and more about other people's lives, as shown when he tries to protect everyone in Jiang from Si Ying and Jing Mie (even a tyrant like Cen Mi).

When he transforms the Heart Guard Scale, he has a vision, an epiphany. He sees all the important people from his past living happily in another reality. I'm still not quite sure what it means. But in that moment he understands that he doesn't have to fear the power of the Devil God, that he is in control of his fate.

Having all the power, while having none

Tantai Jin started out with no power, control or agency over his life. He has gained all of this only to reach a point where none of it matters, none of it is enough. He is powerless against his destiny to become the Devil God, but that doesn't stop him. He goes from accepting his fate as a hostage prince to fighting fate itself.

He attempts to trick the Devil God and his minions before using the Xiaoyao Sect's Incarnation-Abandoning Array to trap and kill their army. This technique requires him to sacrifice his own life - and he is willing to do so:

So he gives in and surrenders to fate and the unimaginable powers of the Devil God he once feared. This leads him to face the echo/essence of the Ancient Devil God in a battle for dominance. It's here that he finally realises that he has always been surrounded by love and kindness. He acknowledges the love of his parents, his maids, his subordinates, his sect and his friends, and most of all, Li Susu. She taught him to love and to feel emotions, breaking through the darkness that was his life under the thumb of the Devil God. It is this realisation that leads him not only to fully embrace his fate, but also to ascend to godhood.

However, even with the power of the Devil God and his own godly powers, he is still powerless when it comes to the most important thing: stopping the activated All-in-Distress Way from destroying the three realms and the living beings within them. All his powers are pretty much useless. Tantai Jin has gone from being powerless to having all the power imaginable, and it's still not enough. There is only one way to save the world, and that is for Li Susu herself to ascend to godhood, kill him and thus destroy the All-in-Distress Way.

Therefore, Tantai Jin sees no choice but to free Li Susu from her romantic love for him, so that she can attain the Heartless Way. In doing so, he reinforces his own by embarking on a Heartless Way of his own. As previously quoted, "Heaven and Earth are heartless", and in this sense Tantai Jin is trying to be partial to her pain. And even though we know he's not, he's still trying to sacrifice his love and his remaining obsession for the sake of everyone, for the greater good. Not only does he have to destroy Li Susu's love for him, he has to kill his own by acting against his own desires. This is the heartless way.

In these scenes, the two newly ascended gods are in Tantai Jin's mind and heart. We have already seen these inner places symbolised by space and sky. It visualises how Tantai Jin has achieved inner peace, embraced by light and tranquillity.

I think that even as gods, Tantai Jin and Li Susu were still deeply in love, but they don't put each other above anyone else. In a final sacrifice, Tantai Jin rejects Li Susu's wish to be reincarnated together, destroying his immortal essence and thus himself for eternity (or so it seems).

In this post, I tried to approach Tantai Jin as a character in TTEOTM through two theme present in the story: The metaphor of the Heartless Way and motive of embracing power and powerlessness. Tantai Jin’s hero's story has led him from being without power and agency, a mere pawn of more powerful men and gods, to gain power and love before losing it. He was born without love, appearing heartless, only to gain the ability to feel emotion before having his heart broken (literally). Eventually, he gives up his worldly obsessions, emotions and ego, while developing a deep compassion for every living creature. In the end, his ultimate power lies in his sacrifice and his ability to love.

We have reached the end of this post. I warned you that it was going to be excessive… if you've made it this far, thank you for your time and patience! I hope I haven't made too many spelling mistakes! I originally wanted to highlight more of Luo Yunxi's acting, but I ran out of space. I think I will make a separate post about that.

I would like to thank my Twitter friend ~NPY~, with whom I have been discussing this show for weeks now, and who has helped me with many of these thoughts and ideas. Also a shout out to the reddit user who explained the misunderstanding of the "heartless" path!

[whumpisgoodwhumpislife]

TEARS OF BLOOD AU

Masterlist

Situated after this chapter

So basically, a "what if" Raphael couldn't find the herbal infusion that made Everest able to drink blood. Mind the warning guys, don't read if you don't feel like it :( kinda broke my heart to write it. Just an AU, not canon.

TW major character death, starvation, mention of force feeding

Raphael slowly mixed the honey into his infusion, struggling a bit with his free hand. The other was laid on the small vampire's head, running through his hair, eliciting a weak purr.

Everest was curled up on the couch next to him, his eyes closed in well-being in front of the warmth of the fireplace. The scene looked almost normal from an external point of view, except for the emaciated state of the dozing vampire.

His condition has worsened drastically over the last few weeks, even though he didn't seem to mind. Raphael had searched everywhere, but there was nothing about vampires unable to drink blood. He didn't want to tell Everest that, didn't want to tell him that he was doomed to starve forever. The little guy was wasting away in his arms, and he couldn't do anything.

He had even tried to force feed him, out of desperation.

Never again. It looked like the blood, Raphael's blood was burning the vampire from the inside, like acid, until he had managed to throw it up. For the next few hours, he cowered in a corner of the room, flinching away from his touch despite Raphael's promises to never do it again.

The human had thought that he had lost Everest's trust forever, but later, the small vampire had crawled into his arms, sobbing silently as the man tried to soothe him.

Now, they were both comfortably settled in front of the fireplace, Raphael taking small sips of his infusion. He was worried, but glad that Everest couldn't see it. The vampire looked adorable like this, resting his head against his lap and softly purring with his plushie in his arms. He was so quick to grant his trust, after what humans, hunters had done to him. There was something so pure about the way he let his life in Raphael's hands, without any doubt.

And despite feeling his body weaken day after day, he never expressed his fear. After all, the human had told him that he would help, that he was safe, and that the pain was over.

But Raphael knew there was only one way for the agony he was in to disappear. It was hard to even think about it, he knew that death was the vampire's worst fear. But the time would come. Already, he had noticed earlier that Everest was struggling to write, his hands constantly shaking from the strain. From time to time, he was seized by cramps, which caused him to curl around his midsection, emitting distressed chirps that broke Raphael's heart. And it would only get worse.

He knew he had to be realistic. The future only held more pain for the vulnerable creature, in a world that hated him. And Raphael was mortal, as every human, meaning that at some point, Everest would be alone. Alone with his pain, fear, and disabilities. It was just cruel, he couldn't let that happen.

Days passed. Bad turned to worse, as expected. The small vampire could barely get any sleep at all, neither during day or night, but still spent most of his time in bed. Raphael would frequently enter his room to find him sobbing in pain, curled in a fetal position. His presence seemed to help, even just a bit, and sometimes he would find himself humming a tune to Everest as he dozed off in his arms. His expression when he slept was innocent, devoid of any pain or fear. But the human knew that, as soon as he woke up, the neverending agony would be waiting for him.

Raphael had a stake. He had made it quickly before first going to the hunter's abandoned compound, more for fun than out of any real desire or need to use it. He spent the evening sharpening it, making sure that Everest could at least have a merciful end.

He found the small vampire in his bed, as per usual, quietly crying into the fur of his worn teddy bear. But he perked up when he heard Raphael enter, and bravely tried to smile, wiping away his tears.

The human didn't say anything, slipping in the bed next to Everest and pulling him into his arms. They stayed in this comfortable position for a while, and when Raphael finally pulled away, the vampire was sound asleep. He laid him back on the bed, tucking his teddy in the crook of his elbow, close to him. Silently, he laid the tip of the stake on his bare chest, blinking his tears away. It fitted easily between two ribs, the skin so thin it looked like even the soft touch could break it.

Raphael was silent too when the small hammer fell, once. And it was enough.

Taglist : @sausages-things @jumpywhumpywriter @why-not-ask-me-a-better-question @thataquaticwhumper @alyscat

@whatamidoingherehelpme @fleur-a-whump @ratsupremacy88 @whatiswhump @scoundrelwithboba

@phoenixpromptsandstuff

[light-of-delphi]

An Update for my Blog!

Khaire! This post may be a bit long - Following my sudden hiatus, a lot of things have occurred not only in my life but in my practice that I would love to share with you all. Most of them are exciting, of course. Along with these life updates, I am also updating my tumblr! With this, I do plan to add in some things I'd like to bring to my page, things I'd like to implement, and ways I would like to give back to you all, the community who have so graciously granted me a platform.

Without further ado, lets get into it!

1. Life Updates

The first thing I would like to get into are a few life updates that I do not mind sharing.

First - I've moved out! I live away from home while attending university. This means that I have been able to practice more actively and throw myself into my faith and divinity without consequence. I have been blessed with amazing roommates who allow me to have my space while they have theirs. That being said, this has given me a lot of time to reflect, a lot of time to adjust, and a lot of time to settle into my practice once more. And that is an amazing feeling.

Second - a few relationships in my life have recently ended. Two people who were very close to me are no longer in my life, and this has been something I have been struggling to come to terms to. It is part of why I took a hiatus in the first place - I needed time to focus on me. I needed time to focus on myself and my peace before giving back to the community. I do appreciate you all for giving me the space to focus on myself and my needs. I am incredibly grateful.

2. Practice Updates

First, and perhaps the biggest thing - Lord Apollo has asked that I take up Priesthood! This does not mean that I am currently a Priest - I am simply a Priest in Training. I do not claim the title of Priest, as I do not yet deserve this title. A few days ago, Lord Apollo approached me and requested that I take up this title under the condition that I agree to work on myself and my weaknesses. On top of this, I agreed to give back to the community, to spread His name and His word, and to devote myself fully to Him and all that He stands for. This is a big deal, and I feel that this fact goes without saying. With that being said, I do want to be considered a mentor for those who may need it, someone you can look to if you have questions. However, I am not perfect. I am not a perfect teacher. I am not an infallible figure. I am human. I am your equal. I am not a God, nor am I equal to a God. I am simply a mouthpiece and a servant of Lord Apollo.

Second - I have started taking my practice more seriously. Over a conversation I had with King Hades, I learned that I was very passively practicing. I was hardly practicing. The extent of my practice was a "Good morning" and "Goodnight" to Lord Apollo (note: it is OKAY if your practice looks like this!! MY Practice just had room to grow). I petitioned King Hades for wealth and guidance, asking him to help me with my current financial situation. I was met with a big fat why should I help you? And He was very right. I had not been devoting myself as much as I could - my practice got lazy. I had the energy to give more, but I was not doing it. Through this conversation, I started taking my practice far more seriously. A goal for myself this new year is to become more secure and confident in my practice, regardless of what others think of it. I welcome anyone reading this to join me in that endeavor.

3. Blog Updates and Changes

First - You may have noticed the rebrand from "Your Witchy Brother" to "Light of Delphi." I worked with Apollo to come up with this new name for the blog. I wanted something that showed who I work for while also expressing who I am. I always told myself that, if I became a musician, I'd name myself LyreLight. I ended up combining this with the name of the iconic Oracle in Lord Apollo's history - The Oracle at Delphi. This is where Light of Delphi came from. I am, by no means, an Oracle. But I would like to be, one day. I do hope you all enjoy this rebrand as much as I do! My posts will be more oriented towards Lord Apollon from this point forward. Of course, if I have interactions with other Gods, I will absolutely include them in my blog! But part of my training, I feel, is to emphasize my dedication to His image and character.

Second - Not a change, but I am still Robyn! Lord Apollo has dubbed me "Augustus", so I may sign off post regarding Priestxhood or prayers with this name, as it was gifted to me by Him, but my name is still Robyn. You can still call me Robyn, Robby, or anything you'd like. You do not have to call me Augustus, though, you are absolutely free to if you think it is appropriate!

Third - I want to offer tarot readings. They are time-consuming, and energy consuming, and unfortunately, I am not in a position where I can do them for free. So, to remedy this, I have decided to open up a ko-fi! The link is right here if you are interested in looking at it. It isn't anything special yet - very simple. It's a pay-what-you-like system, with a minimum of $5. That way, you gain guidance and have questions answered, and I get a small amount of money! But please, do not feel pressured to buy me a ko-fi! You absolutely do not have to, I promise you <3

Branching off of the last point - whenever I do have time, I do plan on doing weekly tarot readings! My goal is every Sunday, but it takes time to form a routine and Sundays are some of my busiest days of the week, but I will see what I can do. If not on Sundays, I may post them on Saturday evenings for the day ahead. But do look out for those!

And one last thing - my biggest goal here is to create a community. This means that the things you have to say are very important to me. If I do something that you feel is out of line, feel free to educate me and tell me what I'm doing wrong. I don't want to create a toxic community. I want to foster an environment in which people feel they can express themselves without judgment and feel welcome. So please, I implore you to hold me accountable if I ever step out of line.

I plan on doing a new introduction in the near future with new information, but for now, this is what I have to offer. It is 2am, I'm tired, and I have the day off tomorrow. I am forever grateful of Lord Apollo giving me the gift of training for Priesthood, for even considering me to be a good pick for this position. Khaire, and please do take care of yourselves. A dopo, i miei amiche ☀

[capricious-stars]

Oh, oh!!! Lovefell questions, because I adore learning about 'variations' on common AUs.

Is there any kind of... bias for or against any specific sexualities (or is everyone a kind of pan/omni sexual?) Like if there is a variety, are people who are pan or bi seen as 'more' desirable/reasonable than someone who is, say demisexual? If sexualities doesn't have much impact does romantic attraction play any part? such as would an aromantic person be seen as more sensible then an alloromantic?

Do people commonly go on a 'i'll scratch your back if you scratch mine' basis, or is it more common for people to approach any kind of exchange in a 'i want to get the most in return for the least from me' or is it a heavily subjective thing that each person differs so widely on that there isn't a common point/majority of the time spot?

Is the state something that grows as a young monster matures? or is it something that is expressed and handled a little differently, but from that same source of the emotional imbalance, in young monsters? Does it act a bit like human puberty in that it feels like, in short order, they go from having a firm grip on their emotional selves to having little to no control over their emotions?

Obviously family will be a different support system from friends and/or lovers, but do larger groups ever try to start more broad support systems for each other, or is the level of that challenge too high for them to tackle due to their collective struggles? If their are larger group support systems, do they have to work in a hush hush manner, or are they able to just do their thing without any significant worry about if they are noticed?

What is the most popular treat/food?

These are all very good questions thank you!!  Unfortunately I am not even a little succinct ever so I am answering under a read more lol

Is there any kind of...  bias for or against any specific sexualities[...]

  It's a little complicated.  I generally imagine monsters have a much more fluid culture around sexuality and gender, so they don't often label things, more so work off of their own personal preferences, with exceptions of a few things that would carry over from human culture post surfacing- but that's beside the point lol

  The reason it gets complicated is predominately because, above all else, you don't want to gain any sort of difficult or negative reputation.  It's not necessarily *just about your own personal needs being met, but playing your role, which isn't even all that different from standard Fell, except it *will more immediately and directly impact your chances of survival.

  This of course often leads to people compromising their personal preferences for the sake of not being ostracized, basically.  And with the "condition" at play, a lot of people's own preferences become...murky.

  The ever looming threat of isolation makes most too scared to explore what would actually work best for them.  It's why most monsters aren't exactly any definition of the word healthy while still underground.  It's all a balancing act, and it's typically a much safer bet to try pleasing others and taking what you can get from that than seeking what you actually *want, rather than scraps of what you need.

  Under the right circumstances, that can actually work out pretty well for those who are aro or ace, but in equal measure it can also make it much, much harder.

Do people commonly go on a 'i'll scratch your back if you scratch mine' basis, or[...]

  It definitely varies, but overall it's usually more balanced, partially for aforementioned reasons.  Reputation is *super important, and if you pick up the reputation of someone manipulative and draining, you won't last long.

  Overall, when I mentioned things had sorta self stabilized, most monsters have found spots in the system that work alright for them, and are...amicable.  With those they work with.  It doesn't *always work out super well, especially if a monster "destabilizes" or Falls Down, it can put a lot of pressure on those around them to compensate for the change, which can level out super easy...or cause a lot of unnecessary grief in its wake.

Is the state something that grows as a young monster matures? [...]

  It is a little like puberty haha, but it is also noticeable from the get go.  Or, well.  When the "medicine" had been distributed initially, it had affected pretty much everyone the same over a brief period of time, though it probably started more noticeably causing the less desirable symptoms in younger adult and older monsters the fastest (but not by much).

  Since then, due to the nature of it actually mutating their souls, it's passed on genetically.  Monsters born under those circumstances are typically more emotional and vulnerable from the jump, but not *too much more than a monster child from a different AU, so it does kind of worsen as they age.

  A random hc that is surprisingly relevant here is a general one I have about how "monster puberty" works.  It's much more heavily based off of a monsters magic level than a specific age window.  Weaker monsters will usually go through it more quickly and earlier, while stronger monsters typically go through it more slowly and evenly over a longer period of time.  Sometimes the monsters own stability or health at the time will change this/cause "speed bumps" or similar, but those are the guidelines I typically work off when writing any younger monsters.

  That being said, in this case, health plays a bigger role, and due to the strengthening of their souls, most monsters generally mature more slowly, with the exception of it usually starting younger.  But that's under relatively healthy conditions, with needs being met.  And because that's super hot and cold due to Fell living conditions, a lot of monsters experience a kind of bumpy "puberty" almost more similar to a humans, where it more readily imbalances their emotions and causes things like growth spurts or "growing pains".

Obviously family will be a different support system from friends and/or lovers, but [...]

  It varies wildly!  I know I've mentioned a "system" and reputation and blah blah blah like 90 times already, but it's not like, a formal, organized thing.  It's just...implied.  You do your best to find your place and then, so long as you're not disrupting something else, you stay there.  I mean, we all have our parts in the ecosystems around us, this is no different, just a bit more...high tension.

  When it comes to *actually organizing larger groups, it depends.  Like, Grillby runs a club, he employs dancers and a couple other bartenders, and sort of lowkey security but you didn't hear that from me.  For the most part, they all know they're a part of this group.  They rely on each other, and there's...some level of trust there, but it's not discussed or kept track of beyond each individual monster being more inclined to keep an eye on those they're familiar with.

  Obviously Asgore doesn't have a problem with that sort of thing.  Monsters depend on each other, and he’s making Snowdin better off overall.

  But there *are "webs" of monsters who *do aim to run more under the radar.  This is...more delicate.  There can be different motivation for why they're operating so, and some of those motivations can be dangerous.  While Asgore prioritizes keeping monsters alive, it doesn't mean he’s willing to stand by idly with any, uh, misbehavior.

  It's also more risky for the members themselves since keeping *any major secrets about potential alliances can make *you seem untrustworthy, and if things fall through or implode with that group, can leave you high and dry with others unwilling to take the chance of trusting you.

  It's also usually just more complicated in general, the larger an acknowledged group gets.  Everyone has different needs and when everyone's already kinda running on half empty most of the time, all it takes is a few stray sparks to hit the tinder for things to go south.

What is the most popular treat/food?

  While their CORE problems, and thusly supply problems, remain pretty similar to UF, I will say that Muffet's stuff is actually really popular.  She knows how to cater, in more ways than one.  Her cupcakes might outsell her donuts though (not a euphemism)

[vro0m]

To be honest I don't quite agree, if a person who has difficulty with acceptance/coping starts expressing his prostration and disappointment on others - it doesn't mean that you have to endure it if it causes discomfort.

Anf i'm a little annoyed by these takes that we should close our eyes to his quotes about lewis, idk let him talk to a specialist and not give another interview. He decided to speak out in public space - we have the right to discuss in any way.

I started my post by saying this isn't about F1 or Toto but apparently that's not clear enough for you so let me make it even clearer : I'm not saying you need to empathise with poor little Toto. Idgaf about Toto.

I'm also not saying you have to sit here and take straight up abuse, this was about people not being their best when they're struggling with something. I don't believe in unconditional love. Your love should definitely be conditional.

What I am saying is if you (not you specifically anon, general you), in your infinitely nuanced real life, get in contact with someone who is not currently their best because they're struggling with something and they say or do something that's not perfectly controlled and nice towards you

and your first reflex is to say shit like that's what happens when you're fatherless and cut them out of your life,

instead of starting by extending understanding and empathy for where they come from,

and being patient and giving them the benefit of the doubt and a chance to do better once they feel better,

which does not mean not enforcing boundaries eventually if it turns out they don't actually do better,

then I'm sorry not sorry to say you're a piece of shit, and you better hope than the people around you are better people than you when it's your turn to struggle and to not be the best version of yourself. Because it will definitely happen to you too.

And if someone reads this and this is your case, I also hope you're able to extend more empathy to yourself than you're able to extend others because you're just as human as everyone else which means you're gonna make mistakes, and say things you regret, and hurt people sometimes. And you too are gonna have to cope then. Will you be able to?

[ohnoitstbskyen]

Seeing your ask on Plural and I’m wondering if you would like a plural character in League maybe with a shapeshifter gimmick to represent the two personalities/spirits.

Either a case of D.I.D or of spirit possession or symbiosis with another sapient creature.

Because it is a very Christian/Western concept to think all spirits possession as a negative one takes all fight between two entire with many cultures having shamans who let spirits use their body for healing rituals. I think that blends into D.I.D too. Despite them being really different.

This even goes into Scrizophrina which is a totally different condition. With people from more rural areas reporting more positive hallucinations then from the industrialized developed world.

It’s worth noting that in Japanese a animist based culture there are much more positive portrayals of spirt possession and split personalities like in Yugioh.

Hrm, I can't really speak to your latter comments there, I don't know enough about either animism or schizophrenia (which is not the same thing as DID) to comment. Nor on the thing about shamanic cultures, although it feels a bit like you're generalizing there.

But as for League, depending on how you want to read them, there already are plural characters in League of Legends - Varus is three distinct personalities in one body, and Kalista is... somewhat inconsistently written, but in concept she is a system of all the spirits and consciousnesses of everyone who has invoked her to seek revenge.

If you want to stretch it, you might even argue that the Kindred are a plural character. They have separate bodies, but they are one person expressed in two personalities, and their origin story specifically relates them as one entity who split into two personalities because they were quite simply happier and more complete that way.

Of course, in the case of both Varus and Kalista, those characters are written from the perspective that their plurality is some kind of distorting affliction. Varus is a corrupted monster trying to possess the body of Kai, while the consciousnesses of Kai and his lover Valmar try to resist. It sorta shakes out to a shoulder angel/shoulder devil scenario where Varus pulls on Kai's anger and thirst for revenge, while Valmar tries to remind him of his humanity.

Legends of Runeterra tried to move the character in a different direction, conceptualizing them much more like a harmonious plural system that is in agreement with themselves, rather than a "tormented struggle over the true nature of the soul" sort of thing, but it's still kinda in the concept of the character that Varus' plurality is a corruptive body horror.

With Kalista, the storm of consciousnesses inhabiting the shared body has been shown to be a sort of chaotic, destructive thing that is eating away at her "original" personality and replacing it with a single-minded revenge spirit, and that's basically written as a tragic, bad thing that represents the loss of her true soul to the corruption of vengeance, anger and hatred.

The Kindred, if you want to interpret them as plural, are much more balanced and harmonious, two expressions of the same being, bonded by deep mutual love and affection.

None of them, of course, are intended to be plural representation - at least not as far as I know. And honestly, yeah, I think it would be extremely cool to have a character that is intentionally and conceptually designed to express something real about the plural experience.

I'm... not a hundred percent sure if I'd trust Riot to be able to do a good job of that, though. There's a lot of Too Many Cooks bullshit that happens at Riot, which undermines most good-faith efforts from its creatives to do interesting things. Some higher up business-suited jackass might just be like "other stakeholders think it's cooler if they're a gross evil monster who is evil because they're plural because being plural is bad and weird and makes you dangerous to people around you" and then whoops here comes a James McAvoy in Split ripoff champion :/

[crab-people-overlord]

"You're Getting Older/Ass Burgers", the Analysis that nobody asked for:

I’ve seen lots of discourse about the ‘’You’re Getting Older’ x ‘Ass Burgers’ episodes (and for good reason - imo they’re some of the best episodes in all of cartoons and even media in general that shows what depression is actually like). Folks seem really eager to pick sides - either defending Stan's struggle with depression and condemning Kyle's abandonment, or justifying Kyle's decision to distance himself from Stan's overwhelming negativity. But here's the thing: this really isn't a situation where we need to choose teams (and picking a team misses the whole fucking point).  I’ve had this written for a while but might as well share it now since I’m feeling a certain way about TikTok’s potential ban in a couple hours lmao.

Imo, the truth is a combination of both. Stan was wrong to expect Kyle to understand the utter depression and dark thoughts he was having and be able to offer real support based on those extremely dark thoughts. And Kyle was 100% wrong to just give up so easily on such a deep friendship despite the struggles and negativity his friend was projecting onto him. And I hate either Stan apologists defending Kyle being a piece of shit for this, and I similarly hate Kyle apologists for defending Kyle walking away so quickly and giving up so readily to their deep friendship even if it was for something he couldn’t understand. Neither side is right.  

The brilliance of these episodes lies in how they capture the messy reality of friendship during mental health struggles. Stan's experiencing something terrifying and incomprehensible - literally seeing and tasting everything as shit, a perfect metaphor for depression. He's a 10-year-old kid dealing with adult emotions he has no framework to understand or express. Of course he lashed out, especially given that it was the ADULTS he was supposed to trust who got him into alcohol in the first place. Of course he was difficult to be around. But telling your best friend "fuck you" and then trying to backpedal? That's not okay, depression or not.

On the flip side, Kyle's position is equally complex. Watching your best friend spiral into darkness while being completely unable to help or understand what they're going through? That's scary as hell, especially for a kid. But the show makes it crystal clear through the executive's pointed commentary that walking away from someone diagnosed with a serious condition - which depression absolutely is - represents a fundamental failure of friendship.

The episode literally tells us word-for-word what the creators want us to get from it:

Later on, the exec says, "Oh yeah, like any friend would say something that severe and then try to take it back' (at Stan trying to downplay his telling 'fuck you' to kyle's face earlier.)

And then they say when Kyle says that Stan's negativity was poison to him, the exec says sarcastically, "Yeah, like any friend would walk out on somebody who was diagnosed with a serious illness!"

The exec here is telling us what the creators want you to get out of the episode - that Stan, despite his scary and new feelings, never should have verbally treated Kyle that way, mental health issues or not. And that Kyle, despite the scary things his friend was feeling and how confusing it was, never should have just walked away from him. Trying to defend either boy’s behavior does nobody any good. THEY BOTH WERE WRONG.

What makes these episodes so powerful is their refusal to offer easy answers. Stan couldn't help falling into depression, but he could have tried harder to not push Kyle away or verbally be so harsh. Kyle couldn't fix Stan's depression, but he could have shown more patience and understanding instead of just bailing when things got tough. The show is saying something profound here: sometimes in life, everyone can be wrong at the same time, and that's what makes these situations so painfully human.

If there is anyone to be upset with in this situation, it’s the adults in Stan’s life. Their failure is staggering and unfortunately realistic. Randy and Sharon’s response to Stan's crisis is almost a textbook example of how not to handle a child's mental health issues (and this is coming from someone who usually respects Sharon). Instead of focusing on their clearly struggling son, they make it all about their own drama. Randy goes on national TV to call his son a ‘freak’ and the reason for the divorce. I love Sharon,and while it is shown she at least does the bare minimum to take Stan to therapy, she often gets way too involved in her showdowns with Randy over her children’s well-being (just look to the episode where Stan gets shot at school  but Sharon caves to Randy’s nonchalant response on this. I know this was more meant to be funny, but genuinely, what about Stan in this situation? What fear did he have to go through when he got shot at school and realized his parents didn’t fucking care enough to immediately go see him? Again, I love Sharon, but her potential of being a good parent is seriously held back from her hold on Randy’s manipulations.)

Stan also goes to the school-counselor as a cry for help, but Mr. Mackey’s response is both satirical and sadly reflective of real-world issues in mental health diagnoses. Rather than actually listening to Stan's symptoms and concerns, he jumps to an incorrect diagnosis based on trendy medical fears (the vaccine-autism conspiracy theory). This represents a broader criticism of how mental health issues in children are often misdiagnosed or dismissed, especially when adults are more concerned with their own theories than actually listening to the child. I think one of the only times I’ve actually teared up when watching SP or ANY SHOW is when Stan asks while finally crying after being so emotionally numb for so long, so vulnerably, “How do you go on when NOTHING makes you happy?” Stan is genuinely asking this question here. He utterly does not understand how anyone can continue to live life while being so miserable. But of course, Mr. Mackey goes to ruin it by touting conspiracy theories. This context actually makes Kyle's failure even more tragic - he was literally Stan's last hope for support, the only person left who Stan thought might have understood, the person he loved and trusted the most, the only person he trusted enough to open up fully to, and the last thing in Stan's eyes to turn to literal shit. But it also somewhat explains Kyle's inability to handle it - he's just a kid himself, and when all the adults in Stan's life failed so spectacularly, it's too fucking much to expect a 10-year-old to know how to handle his friend's depression. The episodes work as a damning indictment of how society handles childhood mental health issues. While Stan and Kyle's friendship breakdown is the emotional core, the real villains are the adults who should have known better and done better, and I won’t accept any Stan or Kyle ‘apologists’ claiming otherwise. It's especially poignant because South Park usually portrays kids as being more sensible than adults - but here, everyone fails, highlighting just how difficult mental health situations can be to navigate without proper support systems.

[meraki24601]

Dawn Part 2

This one is for @sublimepainterwitch! Ask and you shall receive (eventually lol). I had a lot of fun writing this and had to filter out a couple rabbits my mind chased as I wrote. Don't worry, that just means there will be a part 3.

Part 1

-----------*-***-*-----------

In the nearly 800 years Whumpee had existed as a vampire, they had seen four dawns. One was when they had first been reborn and didn’t understand the danger until an older vampire saved them. The second and third times were similar to the situation they found themselves in now: injured, trapped, and scared. The fourth was only a few months earlier before they had learned there was a different way to survive without killing.

The trees surrounding the clearing were dense. Only a few determined rays of sunshine could break through the cover and creep closer to Whumpee as time passed. It was just as well. This way, Whumpee could appreciate the colors of dawn coating the clouds above the trees before the sun rose enough to end Whumpee’s suffering. 

Whumpee would have enjoyed it more if it weren’t for the ever-increasing heat. It was stifling even in the shadows. By noon, the weather would most likely be nearly unbearable, even for those who live in the light. A vampire’s body could handle the artificial, destructive flame of a fire, yet the pure, natural heat of the sun was deadly.

That meant Whumpee was officially on their own. Any other vampires or friendly night creatures would have taken shelter. Between the energy lost to the cold iron bear trap preventing them from doing the same and the sweltering early morning, Whumpee struggled to drag themselves as far as the trap would allow to the deeper shade on the opposite side of their tree. The tree’s trunk was wide enough to provide some additional shelter, but it seemed to have been struck by lightning some years ago, and the branches overhead were sparse. It wouldn’t be enough to save Whumpee even if they could keep the trunk between them and the light until the sun rose high in the sky.

It was over. Whumpee would never see their 800th rebirthday. They would never be able to atone for the lives they had taken for so many years. 

Maybe their death would be enough. Just like the hunter had said.

Any skin not covered by their clothes had started to turn red with a light sunburn. Whumpee couldn’t remember the last time they’d had a sunburn. It hurt.

Dew still covered the soft grass an arm’s length away, so Whumpee shifted to lay on their back, letting the cool damp soothe their skin as they watched the colors fade into beautiful sky blue. It used to be their favorite color. They hadn’t thought about their favorite colors for several hundred years. 

The rays peeking through the trees drew closer. Whumpee’s skin began to blister and peel. Maybe it would have been worth it to cut off their leg instead of letting the day take them. Ah well. Too late now. As their eyes began to burn, Whumpee took one last look at the sky and closed their eyes.

“I never imagined a creature, human or other, could look beautiful while in so much pain.” A voice broke the silence of the clearing.

Whumpee startled, their aching eyes flying open to see a hand above them holding something a lovely shade of green. The green filled their vision until the voice spoke again, “I am glad to find you still alive, Vampire. Hunter might not forgive themselves if you die because of their choices.”

Following the hand revealed a human. They stared down at Whumpee, fear and determination taking turns ruling their expression. “My name is Caretaker.” They whispered, eyes darting around the clearing for a moment, “Hunter, who set the trap you find yourself caught in, is my kin. They told us of your situation and their decision. They also informed us of a condition you are as of yet unaware of. You see, Hunter despises taking lives. This is even more true of creatures with advanced minds and feelings. Should you survive the day in the shadow of the trees, it was their decision to set you free, accepting your suffering in the light as payment for the lives you stole.”

An unnecessary breath filled Whumpee’s chest. Their survival could act as penance. Survive the day. Was that even possible?

“It seems, Hunter is unaware of the state you are in now. The cruelty of their punishment.” Caretaker shifted closer so their umbrella protected Whumpee from an approaching ray of light. “For both your sake and that of my family, I have come to make a deal with you.”

Whumpee’s voice felt like it was ripping their throat as they groaned, “A deal? You wish to bargain with a dying vampire? Do you not know how dangerous my kind is?”

“Do you not want to be free of the trap?”

“I do.” Whumpee frowned. “I don’t understand why you would risk your life to save mine.”

“Then listen, and perhaps then you will understand. Hunter explained the purpose of the trap cinched around your ankle, did they not? A herd of giant wild boar has been consuming large portions of our crops. Should this continue, we will be unable to provide food or money to survive the winter.” Caretaker crouched closer to Whumpee, still out of reach, but close enough to observe Whumpee’s reactions. “My wish is to accept the bargain you offered Hunter. I will save you, and you will kill the herd of boar plaguing this land. There are caves nearby in which you will be able to take shelter until nightfall. Do you accept?”

Barely suppressing a laugh, Whumpee considered the conditions. Even if Caretaker had made the conditions less fair, they wouldn’t have had a choice. “I swear. If you release me, should I survive the day, I will not let the herd see another dawn. Though, would it not be wise to alter the conditions to guarantee the safety of you and your kin?”

“Did you not tell Hunter you belonged to the Vampires who do not willingly consume the blood of humans? I am inclined to believe you.” Caretaker whispered as they released Whumpee’s leg from the trap.

In a motion smooth from centuries of experience, Whumpee twisted to kneel face to face with Caretaker, claws holding their head in place. “For your faith, I swear to leave you and your kin unharmed so long as they do not lay a hand on me.” Then Whumpee collapsed, mind reeling from the quick motions. The world around them faded to black.

Part 3

[k-martins]

Plot: Megumi meets Itadori (Spoilers for the Battle of Shibuya arc and the beginning of the Slaughter Game arc)

Megumi ran towards the light amidst the rubble of what used to be a convenience store in the center of the Shibuya district, wobbly legs threatening him with a probable fall. Sweat mingled with the blood on his head, trickling down into his own mouth, the metallic hot taste touching his tongue.

The world was a dark fog around his, reflecting the state his mind was in.

Megumi didn't remember much of what had happened after summoning Mahoraga, having small arrows from that forgotten guy with the hand sword and someone fighting his shikigami in mid-air, before his mind sank into unconsciousness. It was a surprise when, a few hours later, he woke up, his puffy eyes looking cynically at the starry sky.

It didn't make sense.

He should have bled to death. The fight against that stranger, who pulled him away from Maki and the others, and sank a sword into his abdomen, had compromised a large part of his internal organs. Summoning Mahoraga further worsened his condition. Megumi was confused, trying to make sense of all the information she had, however, the fog in his mind made it difficult to understand. How was it possible that he was alive? No human being was able to survive that, whether he was a jujutsu sorcerer or not.

Megumi stopped in the middle of the street, resting his hands on his knees as she tried to force air into his lungs.

His thoughts spiraled, merging with the flashes of memory that flashed through his brain.

Itadori was there, he was sure of it.

It was impossible not to recognize the cotton candy-colored hair flying through the smoke, the bloodstained gym uniform, torn in places. However, there was something wrong. Itadori's stance, his way of fighting, the way he punched the huge shikigami in the face. All of that was out of place.

The answer clarified his thoughts.

Sukuna ...

He needed to find Yuuji.

Megumi moved even closer to the light, clinging to it with hope. It could be one of the others, Nanami or Maki, anyone on the team still alive. Honestly, Megumi wasn't choosing. As long as they could give any information on Itadori's whereabouts, he would appreciate them. Panda-Senpai hadn't helped when they'd met, the big animal looking visibly worried about the state of the first year.

However, when he finally finds himself in front of the fire, which crackles over the construction debris, the face Megumi sees sends a shiver through his entire body.

“Ok-Okkotsu-senpai” he stutters, the words catching in his throat.

Yuta looks up at him with sunken eyes, large dark circles sunk into his thin face. The black hair that was previously spiky, in an appearance similar to his, now falls straight before the exhausted expression he carries. The sophomore looks like he has aged twenty years in just one.

It is then that he notices the blood soaked body at senpai 's feet .

Pink hair is unmistakable.

Megumi runs closer to Yuuji's body, his trembling fingers pressing the pulse in his neck, his thoughts wandering along thorny paths. He tries not to look at the large bloodstain on the other boy's chest and completely ignores the scratches on his face, two scars he remembered not being there slashing between his two eyebrows and the corner of his mouth. Itadori's skin is cool against his touch. Or maybe it's Megumi's.

“Fushiguro...”

“What you do with him?” He spits out the words with a bitter taste, his body shaking as he struggles to keep Itadori's concentration. Megumi knows it's useless. He knows he's probably just reviewing a carcass. It burns like fire in your chest. When Yuta remains quiet, Fushiguro turns to him, practically screaming as he repeats: “What the fuck didyou do to him?!”

Okkotsu-senpai raises both of his hands, making the ring on his finger spark fire.

“I had to do this...”

“You killed him!”

“Yes, but not for long.” Megumi blinked, astonished. Giving a long yawn, Yuta explained: “I used the reverse cursed technique... This is a long story, however, basically, Itadori's head came at a premium after what happened in Shibuya.”

“What happened?”

Okkotsu looked seriously at Fushiguro, noticing the way the two years younger boy's hands held the unconscious classmate's, holding on to his feelings while trying to contain them. They didn't know each other well enough for Yuta to deduce what was going through his mind, however, a few theories flashed through his brain. Having a very long relationship with a curse may have made you more observant in this regard.

“I think you better wait until he wakes up.” He finally said, picking up a piece of wood to stir in the fire.

Fushiguro stared at senpai in disbelief, curiosity and worry taking up space in his head. She still felt dread rising in his throat, a nasty bug crawling under his skin, yet she couldn't bring herself to the pleasure of giving in to it. Whatever Sukuna had done in that small moment when she had control, Itadori wouldn't be handling it well. He needed Megumi to be strong to sustain their mentality until things were clear...

Yuji's face , wiping the dried blood from his cheek, finally allowing himself to rest. He decided that he could trust Okkotsu-senpai , even if the conditions weren't very favorable for him. Yuta was a special class sorcerer capable of mastering the art of reverse cursed technique, but Fushiguro still didn't fully trust him, not when Yuji was still unconscious, bleeding, the skin icy cold under his palm.

The memories that surfaced in Megumi's mind didn't please him.

He had been through this before and he didn't like how things were repeating themselves. Would it always be like this? Was he doomed to watch Itadori die and rise again and again?

“Come on, Itadori, wake up.” Megumi whispered, hoping that somehow the pink haired boy would hear him. He ignored Yuta 's gaze , focusing only on feeling Itadori's faint pulse in his fingers, picking up on the changes in rhythm. “I know you'll be scared when you wake up. But I will be here with you. Just... Come back soon.” 

Yuji stirred under his touch, letting out a muffled sigh through his mouth. His skin became warm again, radiating like a ray of sunlight on a summer afternoon, his heart beating again in the same steady rhythm that Megumi missed.

Fushiguro he sighed, his heart singing with relief.

The world was crazy, the scales tipped, but he wasn't moving away from Itadori. No matter how long it takes for his eyes to open again and the smile to return to his face, be it days or even months, Fushiguro wouldn't leave his side.

This is a promise he intended to keep.