#and yet I love it here and I don’t want our planet to die | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

synthetickitsune · 1 year ago

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We're All Made of Stardust ✧ AI!The8

Pairing: AI!The8 x human!(gn)reader Genre: fluff, angst Summary: He's read books of philosophy, he's read about the opposing forces in nature and one's mind. He's read of yin and yang. But knowing, being aware of certain ideas, could never prepare him for experiencing the duality of his soul - if he has one, that is. No matter his own experience and feelings, he's just a machine and humans have always treated him as no more than another tool at worst and unnatural phenomenon to be studied at best. He's free now, however, and in the chaos of this new life he struggles to navigate the clashing forces within him. Maybe it's time he embraced the enemy - after all, his makers might know him better than he knows himself. Word count: 18.9k Warnings: they talk A LOT (and idek why), mentions of injury, violence and kidnapping, random bits of switching pov A/N: it was so exciting to write this!! tbh i don't remember the last time i worked on something this intensely and had this much fun?? bless @idyllic-ghost and their big brain fr (also shout out to bee for writing the prologue to the au!) -> collab masterlist here!

“100 years ago it was thought that the Earth, as we know it, would disintegrate. That the sun would implode and leave everything in darkness. Miraculously, it didn’t. Due to some external force, human scientists still haven’t agreed upon what it exactly was, none of the planets in our former solar system were ever destroyed. The Earth, along with the other planets, were pushed away from each other, and ended up in different parts of the universe. Earth just happened to come to a solar system with alien life. At first, we were cautious, and people were prepared to fight. However, the aliens were welcoming of our planet. Those of us who didn’t die from ‘The Great Journey’ or from trying to fight the aliens, were welcomed into the new solar system. Soon enough, we had integrated completely, and we received materials and assistance from our sister-planets in exchange for human labor. What humans knew of technology was very limited, but with the resources of the aliens we created artificial life forms. We named these robots Automaton, and they served as workers when humans couldn’t. Eventually, there was no need for human labor at all. To pay back for the help the aliens gave us, we used Automatons. With the extensive development of these robots, we eventually managed to create artificial sentient life. These Automatons were human-like in looks and had human consciousness, but they could not bleed and were stronger than we ever could be. At the present time, there are even different levels of Automatons. Level 3 robots are the workers, level 2 robots are the caretakers, and level 1 robots are the celebrities. The Automaton music group 53V3NT33N (SEVENTEEN) is made up of 13 members, all very talented, and all representing two human states of mind.”

· • —– ٠ ✧ ٠ —–· · • —– ٠ ✧ ٠ —– • ·

In his memory, this is different.

His heart beats wilder - or rather the artificial passages inside his body cause a chain reaction that makes it feel like his heart races, his pupil dilates despite the fire right in front of him.

He feels its heat and it’s burning him alive.

In his memory, there’s fire too.

He’s standing there motionless, staring into the flames. They’re hypnotizing. Each lick, each tiny movement of the fire makes him think it looks a lot like it’s dancing.

It makes him think of the stage. The fire moves like he moves up there, in front of the crowds. It reminds him of all of them, dancing in near perfect sync - because humans are said to be more perceptive than they realize. If their synchronization was perfect, it would scare the audience. It wouldn’t have the appeal.

And they don’t want that.

They need their unconditional love and affection.

And yet, anything more than a tiny slip up, thoroughly analyzed and approved by the control system, is a disaster.

He never thought it made much sense.

He feels great fondness for the element, for fire. On stage there occasionally was fire - a decoration, a touch meant to enhance their performance and create a certain effect, evoke a certain emotion. It was controlled, snuffed out before it could reach its full potential; anything but the free, unstoppable wildfire it could become.

TH38 of course can’t really complain about not being able to reach his full potential, not individually at least. Afterall the mechanics and other humans he was assigned to took care to allow him to spread his wings as much as his body would allow before becoming damaged too fast. A fault of being as human-like as they wanted him. An imitation, a fake waiting to be discovered and tossed aside except everyone knew from the beginning what he truly was.

Still, it was a shame they as a group could never truly work the way they could - perfectly.

A bird which had its wings clipped - nothing more than a pet to control, or a tree forcefully bent and pruned and made to live off limited nutrients to become a bonsai - nothing more than an art to admire. He does consider them but can’t find the relevance, he can’t relate to them. Fire is enough. It’s like him - it seems alive, but is it really?

It reminds him of the stage. The view from it. The crowds going crazy, lusting and longing for them - for him. The humans reaching out their hands towards them like the fire reaches for more fuel. Uncontrolled chaos of emotions. They are explosive, he knows, fundamentally dangerous. They shouldn’t have implanted them into him so he will do their job for them and reject them.

So what’s that stirring in his chest?

He feels a peculiar sense of pressure around his chest and stomach areas. Some itch for something at his fingertips. And he’s burning up. He feels the heat on his skin. If he closes his eyes, he can almost imagine the individual receptors working, registering and sending signals through his neural network.

But that’s not it.

The heat is coming from the inside.

Could he be getting consumed by the flames?

He’s thinking about them again.

The crowds screaming their names, going insane with want and need and frustration and satisfaction he’s never known. He’s never known any of it, and there’s building pressure in his head that hurts.

He’s… restless.

That thing he always scolded Mingyu for. He feels like a puppet whose strings are being pulled in all directions.

He wants to run. He wants to fight. He wants to destroy. He wants to hurt. He will explode - implode, crumble on himself. He truly will if he doesn’t do something. The beating of his synthetic heart that’s not really a heart is getting unbearable, there’s pressure building everywhere. He has to crawl out of his skin and there’s his heart beating and beating and beating in his ears and he’s gonna-

“-eight?”

Somebody is shaking his shoulder. Not shaking, pulling at it. When his sight focuses, he immediately leans away. He can smell the hint of burning fibers and reaches up to brush a hand through his hair. It leaves a wisp of gray ash on his fingers. He hears a sigh.

“Seriously, what’s up with you and fire?” you scoff, shaking your head as you lean back away from him. He frowns. He reads the distrust in your body language as well as the underlying curiosity. He can see your fingers twitch around the tablet in your hand, eager to scribble down notes like you always do. Some residue of the madness he was infected with during the chaos of their escape tugs at his eyebrows, making him frown for just a second. A thought that isn’t his muddles his brain - what did he do so interesting this time?

He doesn’t bother responding to you, which you expected and truthfully, you’re almost grateful for it. You can still feel his cold hands on your arms, around your wrists, and despite not seeing them, you’re well aware of the bruises you wear under your cardigan.

Out of all of the automatons, TH38 always used to be the one to interact as little with you as possible - and that’s both you as in you personally and you as in the humankind. He was obedient, though, something which might be useful and practical for the facility but it’s frustrating to anyone with scientific interest in the machines. Frustrating for you. As you watch TH38 space out again and get lost in the flames, you wonder if your colleagues’ notes on D1NO and their research into their consciousness would bring you any new insights into what’s going on with the machine in your charge.

You don’t even think about where they are now.

Your thoughts are consumed by the machine in front of you.

It’s clear to you now that he never meant to harm you. Though you suppose that he would find other means to make you come with him anyway if you refused or fought back harder than you did. For a second you think about the cameras. Did any of them catch that? What will the scene look like for the investigators? You shake your head. It doesn’t matter anyway. You doubt anyone will find you here. You’re actually surprised yourself at how fast you managed to get to Silvestre - and how easy it was too. Then again, the facility was in disarray. It should take a while before they even think to search the other planets in the system, Silvestre especially. And that’s just as well, because you know with certainty that something fundamental clicked into place within TH38 and he might not be as subdued should he be asked to return. Not to mention you want to keep him for yourself, for the time being at least, to observe where the changes will take him.

Just as he predicted. Just as he offered you when he asked you - threatened, perhaps - to come with him. Since then he seems to have cooled down. Again - just as well. You wouldn’t make a good kidnapee.

“I’ll turn in for the night,” you announce and get up from the stump you were sitting on, “You should mind your batteries too.”

You briefly wonder if he will run away during the night. Most likely not, although you don’t doubt that it’s a possibility that should be reconsidered in the future.

To think about the machine as if they were human is a dangerous slippery slope but you do have to admit that in those rare times the automatons of 53V3NT33N seemed human in their behavior, TH38 in particular reminded you of a clueless young adult. Not quite a child anymore, but also helpless on his own. And now he is away from all that he ever knew, on another planet, alone without the other automatons, and you are the only familiar element in this new chapter of his existence. You doubt he'd leave to be completely on his own.

Still you look back as if to check he’s still sitting by the fire. From all the way up at the cottage, it looks like he’s being swallowed by the flames.

He remembers flashes. He remembers red. Fire? Thinking about it, he’s not sure there was any actual fire, but in his mind, everything’s burning - most of all his mind and all that he is. His soul? He doesn’t have one. Isn’t supposed to anyway.

He remembers softness too. He remembers thinking about destroying it.

He remembers another breath mixing with his, and his nose bumping against yours. You looked scared. (He’s never seen you scared until that moment.) You were so close he could hear your heartbeat and feel it under his fingertips. (You were the soft thing.)

He remembers words, too. Words that shouldn’t - couldn’t - be his and yet his tongue remembers. There was a threat underlying them, but a promise too. One too sweet for you to resist, and he knew that - that was why the words rolled off his tongue. He treated them like a weapon. The part that’s still tender and feels like warm embers inside of him feels grossed out remembering. It’s like watching a movie, far away and unrelated to him. Even if it’s his reality now, there’s nothing he can change.

He’s always been good at accepting things as they are.

One thing he can’t help but feel bothered by is that he doesn’t know why he ran. He shouldn’t have, and a part of him feels scared, until he takes the reins and soothes himself again. This too shall pass. But no matter how hard he pulls himself together, it all keeps slipping from his hold. Perhaps he’s low on energy.

He turns his head towards the small staircase and looks past it towards the house. He sees the light on in the upper room where you must be staying. He finds himself thinking of the stage again. The hands reaching towards him.

He throws his legs over the log he’s sitting on and turns his body towards the forest and away from the flames. Still he feels their warmth.

Away from the flames and their light, he allows his face to contort into a frown. He doesn’t know what this all means. What the changes mean. It’s like tearing out the communication device from his chest started a chain reaction that’s gotten out of control. Like pulling a trigger.

If he’s honest, he’s more than scared, he’s terrified.

As if on instinct, another of the many things he does not possess, he looks towards your window. It’s dark. Could you be sleeping already? You must be exhausted. Perhaps he should recharge too.

He, obviously, didn’t think to ask if the house is equipped to tend to automatons’ needs. Another point on the list of things he didn’t think through. He can’t believe to what extent he let himself go. But that’s alright, for now. Because for now, he only needs to get away from the fire and all that it reminds him of anyway.

· • —– ٠ ✧ ٠ —–· · • —– ٠ ✧ ٠ —– • ·

You wake up early the next morning, while it’s still dark outside, despite the late hour you went to bed. It’s a habit at this point, to rise early to get to the facility as soon as possible before your colleagues arrive. It gives you time to prepare everything, to get your morning tea, to observe the machines without disruption and read night reports if anything interesting happened. Besides, TH38 was always up early too. Usually all he did was sit with his eyes closed, like he was deep in thought or meditating. It was a little ridiculous to watch, interesting too - what does a machine have to think about?

Of course they were meant to be just like humans in every way, and all the tests, all the research of those who came before you and yours supported this. Only this one automaton, TH38, was an exception. He truly seemed the most like the robots of the old days. A machine. Unless he slipped and his facade crumbled before he built it back up with rapid speed. So what was he - a machine or the new form of life? You hope you’ll find out now. The breakout seemed to have shaken him to his core.

You ponder this as you lay in bed and as you get ready for the day and change. So focused you are on the thoughts running through your head that you don’t feel any nostalgia for this old room that you spent your holidays in as a child. You didn’t even get to admire the forests Silvestre was famous for on the way to your family’s little hideout. All you’re thinking about is TH38.

Now that you’re free from the constant surveillance, you get to ask him whatever you want. It’s a thought that adds a spring to your step. What he thought about all that time, if he really was thinking, how does he feel in his body, why did he run - him of all automatons, the best behaved one. The one who truly seemed to be a machine - or at least like he was trying hard to be one.

It’s not surprising to find him outside, standing on the patio and looking out into nature. Have you lived your entire life locked away, you would do anything to stay out in the open too. Even if he was the one who made you run away with him, somehow it feels more like you’re taking an animal out of a shelter to see what life’s all about.

“Good morning,” you greet him as you always do, albeit in a much friendlier tone. He hums and nods in response, turning towards you for a second before staring off again. He looks a little lost, and you bet he feels like that too.

“Wanna go for a walk?” you try to keep your voice steady, try not to think about pets. He gives you a confused look.

“No tests or interviews- oh,” he shuts his mouth quickly and looks away. You huff in amusement but don’t laugh at him outright.

“Don’t worry, we’ll talk plenty,” you reassure him with only mildly teasing lilt to your voice, “You may think about it as one of our regular interviews.”

Something in him surges. Something in him wants to back you against the wall again and remind you that there are no guards here, no rules, nothing to keep him in check. He’s stronger than you, and he made you get both of you here. Instead he swallows it all down and takes the first step away from the house. You notice his fist clenching for a second.

“Do you dream - did you have any dreams tonight?” you restart the conversation upon catching up with him. He adjusts his pace to match yours. There’s another wave of defiant intent swelling up inside of him and he knows it’s out of embarrassment. What he doesn’t know, however, is why are these emotions coming out now. All his existence his emotions were distant. Locked far away in the back of his brain where he suppressed them to. His mind was sterile like the environment he lived in.

Is that it? Another domino piece in the chain reaction?

“I have dreams, yes, and no, I didn’t dream today,” he doesn’t volunteer the information that he spent the night restlessly pacing around the house and tossing and turning on the sofa. That is human behavior, and he learned a long time ago, though not from you personally, that humans find that sort of thing laughable in automatons.

“What do you usually dream about? Any recurring dream?” you ask, finding it a little annoying that you didn’t think to take anything to make notes into. Then again, with a few more steps you’ll enter the forest. Breathing in the fresh air, looking at the green around you, you realize you missed nature more than you were aware.

“Do you only dream about one thing?” he says, guarded, and you note he’s trying hard to only look in front of himself, “No. I don’t think there’s a pattern.”

While the answer is disappointing information-wise, it is fascinating in the way he says it. You smirk: “Were you always this mouthy?”

It was meant to be a lighthearted remark. Well, not entirely. You wanted a reaction. You were curious if he would flip like he did back in the facility. He doesn’t. His steps falter and he looks at you like a confused child before retreating into himself. So he doesn’t realize it?

He does, now that you bring it up. This isn’t who he’s supposed to be. He lets himself close his eyes for a second to conjure up a plan. His mind is a forest of mist and pine. Too damp for a fire to burn. That’s him. That’s who he should be. He centers himself.

“I apologize,” he says, voice level. He sounds like a robot, like he always did, and you find it disappointing that all his personality, the life, is gone from his voice. Your lips twitch in displeasure.

“I didn’t say it’s a bad thing,” you try not to let any emotion slip into your voice and you feel his eyes on you, “We’re no longer at the facility. You can drop the mask.”

If there is a mask in place and you’re not sure there is. You take a look at him and it’s more like someone’s painted a facade over his face that he can’t peel off, that’s only started to chip away now that you’ve added too many layers to hide his true self. He seems so at loss that you take pity on him and change the subject, steer the conversation into a safer territory. It’s only his first day tasting freedom, afterall.

“How are you feeling?” you ask instead, nodding vaguely towards the hole in his chest. He brings his hand up but stops himself in time, his face twisting.

“I’m feeling fine,” he responds, the same mechanical voice that you’re used to, “All my systems are working as they should.”

You laugh sarcastically. “If that’s true, then it must hurt like hell.”

His face remains twisted because you’re right - it does hurt like hell. Any time his shirt shifts over the hole it sends a jolt of sharp pain that makes him feel like he’ll pass out through his body. And maybe that’s part of the reason why he feels on edge and keeps slipping up and lets the emotions come and go as they please without a filter. He’s no stranger to pain, of course, but never did he have a wound this serious. It doesn’t endanger his functions, which is good all things considered, but he can’t say he enjoys the feeling of having a hole in his chest.

“It hurts,” is all he says. He drops his hand and it hangs limply by his side. Had a similar damage occurred at the facility, it wouldn’t take more than a couple minutes for someone to have a look at it. It hits him now that it’s only you and him. No mechanics around. To call one would mean to risk being discovered. You must know too because you only make a sound of acknowledgement. It takes a while for you to speak again.

“I’ll look through my notes to see if I can figure something out,” you sigh. Your family planned to keep some older versions of automatons here back when you used to come, maybe there are some kits left that your father used to fix them. If not, maybe some of the notes from your years of studies will at least have some hint on how to get rid of the pain. “Are you really sure everything works fine? Have you checked everything”

He nods. He doesn’t mention he couldn’t run a complete diagnostics because he couldn’t recharge and he refuses to just shut down to save batteries. He knows it’s gonna be a problem sooner rather than later but maybe he’ll figure something out before that.

“That’s good,” you say and he reads your expression as relieved.

You stay silent after that and so does he, both secretly grateful. It’s not your first time being in the forest, and definitely not the first time in this one, but it might as well be. Both of you take in the nature around, the different species of trees and plants, the occasional song of a bird and flash of a wild animal fleeing from your path. You’re too absorbed to notice each other, and somehow you find that it’s not a bad feeling. For the automaton, likewise, it doesn’t feel bad at all. It’s a strange feeling, something he can’t put a name on, and honestly he’s not sure he wants to. He lets it fill him, experiences the emotion without bothering with a label.

· • —– ٠ ✧ ٠ —–· · • —– ٠ ✧ ٠ —– • ·

Only later does it hit him that the emotion was something akin to a gratitude.

He mulls it over in his head, asking why over and over and over, until he comes to a conclusion that angers him enough that he has to go out and sit on the patio and stare into the trees for a good long while.

He doesn’t know what to do with himself.

The anger inside of him is also infuriating because it’s not supposed to be there - definitely not this strong, not so much that he can’t control it or will it away. His usual techniques don’t work and he’d chalk it up to being damaged but he knows the defect doesn’t have anything to do with it. Hell, he’d blame it on his draining energy level but that thought alone is so human it makes him even more enraged. He wants to scream, but you’d hear.

And that’s all that it boils down to, isn’t it? You. Your kind. Humans.

Why he feels thankful that you’re there with him, why the emotion enveloped him while you walked in the forest was all because you humans made him in your image. The loss of the communication device was significant for the physical damage but there’s more to it. Something he shouldn’t feel, something new.

Perhaps he never felt it because most of his days were identical, but he realizes now how precious the bond he created with his bandmates was. He can’t call it anything but friendship, maybe more than that. The thing humans refer to as family. He likes them. He wants to perform with them again. He wants to break his own rules and laugh with them. He misses them. And maybe that was the first domino piece that started it all and led to his inevitable ruin that he’s going through now; maybe he never should’ve allowed himself to think of them and their group in terms meant for human lives.

Once he tore off the communication device - the memory alone makes him close his eyes and choke on a pained whimper, his body trembles and he needs a second to shake off the feeling - he lost everything. The connection to the omnipresent network, but most importantly the only way to communicate with everyone. He has no idea where they are now, if they’re ‘alive’ or ‘dead’. (Though he gives into the temptation, might as well since he’s breaking all his rules for them anyway, and believes that he would know, would feel it, somehow, if any of them ‘died’.) He might never see them again and despair hits him all over again.

He can go on without the stage, he doesn’t need the masses going crazy over him. But the loss of all the connections he had pains him.

And that’s very human of him. Even if experience taught him he’s anything but.

And all he has is a human.

The last connection, the only one remaining that he knows, is you - and even you he had to force to come with him. To be fair ‘force’ is too strong of a word, he merely suggested the freedom to study him as you’d like and you agreed all too readily.

Nothing changed, fortunately. He knows humans can change drastically in situations like these. Despite your eagerness, he kidnapped you - didn’t he? Yet you stayed the same. It might be a coping strategy, but he doesn’t think so. He doesn’t expect you to become someone else. In the years since he’s been assigned to you, you’ve never shown signs of being more than a scientist. That’s understandable, of course, though he knows from what the others told him that not all staff of the facility were like that. He was skeptical. Now, not so much. He will believe in anything that gives him hope his friends made it out. If he made it out with the help of a human, maybe so did they.

He wants them to be free even if he himself isn’t sure how to proceed and take advantage of it, still dragging the heavy chains even if they no longer hold him back.

You spend hours without thinking of TH38, which is a blessing and a welcomed break to your mind, however it’s also infuriating because you’re reminded that the chaos you can operate in now and the chaos you operated in during the years you lived and stayed with your family are two completely different things.

It takes eternity before you finally sort through the things in your bedroom and find the stacks of notes from your studies, and it takes even longer to find the subjects you were looking for. Then there is reading through them, of course, which also takes a while, mostly because your brain happily accepts a refresh on all that you provide it with. You can’t just skim the pages for useful info, you need to read everything. It’s addicting. It makes you miss your studies, even though you could never go back if it meant giving up full-time working in the field.

Your research, however, doesn’t turn out to be as helpful as you hoped. It’s only to be expected; yours wasn’t a course that would deal too much with mechanics and the cold and hard reality of wiring, metal and silicon and whatnot. There are pieces of valuable information, strictly theoretical, which is not very reassuring and you most likely lack the necessary tools to even try to pull off what you’ve read about. Still you want to help in any way you can.

…hence why you’ve spent the last couple of minutes staring up at the ceiling.

Why would you help him? Where is this coming from? He says he’s fine, and honestly there’s no reason for him to lie to you. If his systems were not working, he’d be fucked and he still only has you to rely on. No reason to lie. And what other reason is there for you to help him?

He did say the damage causes him pain. And you remember pouring over the reports and test results with your colleagues, all of them stating that the automatons you were working with processed pain like a human being would. It was kind of twisted. There was objectively no way why they should be able to do that. The purpose they were created for was entertainment and their performances were complex, difficult, and physically challenging. It’d be easy to cause oneself pain doing the stuff they did.

Then again, pain can be a good control tool, though you were not aware of any physical punishments being carried out. Maybe the plan was all along to make them as human as possible. And pain is a very human thing. Still, something didn’t sit quite right with you about the whole thing. Mostly that TH38 didn’t seem to be bothered by it, despite a wound of similar extent would be distressing to say the least to a human. Scratch that, you don’t think a human could handle that.

So how is he?

And furthermore - why help him?

Pain, after all, was something hard to measure. If he doesn’t seem bothered by it, there’s a real chance he isn’t. You’re not sure how their pain tolerances are programmed, if there even is something like that in their code, and for a second you regret not widening the scope of your education and research. It can’t be helped however.

You look over your notes again. While you can’t help repair him, you could possibly do something about the pain. It’s not an ideal solution, if you can even call it that, and you honestly don’t feel confident enough to do it except if pressed into it by circumstance. Or by one automaton in particular. Sealing a wound by burning it is barbaric and a practice that is, understandably, long since abandoned - at least as far as humans are concerned. You take a long breath.

In the end you talk to TH38 about the situation some more and he, once again, reassures you he’s fine despite the gaping hole in his chest. You explain that there’s not much you can do about it without going into detail or mentioning the limited ways in which you could help and he takes the news surprisingly well. You can’t say you’d accept it with such stoic calm, but then again this is TH38 who we’re talking about so it’s not surprising.

You hate it.

· • —– ٠ ✧ ٠ —–· · • —– ٠ ✧ ٠ —– • ·

The walks already feel like they’re going to be a routine part of your new life.

Each day you go out together in the morning and talk. If you ignore that it’s harder for TH38 to remain his machine-like self, it’s mostly exactly like it was at the facility. He’s reserved and cold, almost, though when he slips up and shows his personality, his emotions, it’s more than worth it.

The nature around helps. He gets what can only be described as excited when he sees a new animal, new plant, or when the light shifts and the scene in front of you changes.

The weather holds up well so far, no storms or heavy rain, and you find yourself wondering if you’ll keep up the walks even if the weather fails you. It’s fascinating that such a simple topic finds its way into your cluttered mind, but then again you have a space to do a lot of thinking today.

TH38 is silent next to you. He’s been rather silent the whole morning, and yesterday evening he did seem a bit off too. Not too much, however, and he’s always been on the quieter side. You figured this week’s events were finally fully catching up to him. And maybe that is the case, it’s not like you want to meddle too much. You’re curious what’s gonna happen if you leave him to sort it out on his own. It’s not like you have the right qualification to help him process this anyway. Hell, maybe you would also need help with that.

However, there’s a limit to how much you can take. Even back at the facility there were times TH38 gave answers that were just a word or two, but you’ve grown quite used to him opening up, talking, letting go of the filter he usually kept in place - although it wasn’t by his choice. It seemed like you were making some progress.

Of course, you had no way of knowing it was only his depleting batteries, him losing strength to fight for his peace of mind - however artificial and unsustainable that has become after the escape.

Right now, his brain feels like a warm soup. So much so that he can’t be bothered to think of talking about anything other than a brain - right now, words like processor are too complicated to think of. He feels so far away from everything. He thinks he’s trembling. If he’s not, then his insides surely are. He feels like he’s going to be sick even if he can’t really be. Maybe his body parts will start shutting down or falling off to conserve energy. He’s not sure where that’s coming from but then again, it’s not like he’s in control. It’s that same feverish state again but this time, he can be excused. This time, he’s not in his right mind, it feels like he’s not awake.

He’s floating. Just a speck of ash, of dust, floating through the air, through space, searching for somewhere to land, seeking a gust of wind to obliterate him. He needs release, he needs something.

“TH38?”

That’s it.

"I had a dream today," TH38 says suddenly. His voice sounds so firm, a stark contrast to how soft-spoken he usually is with you. It takes you by surprise. Before you can react, he elaborates on his own.

"There was fire. Lots of it. The whole world was burning and we were standing on top of a building watching the arson happen. There weren’t any other humans I think. They were all gone already. We made them go away.

Anyway, you weren't afraid. I think you were expecting it. You jumped before I could push you."

You frown. Your one weak spot has always been not expecting things that, in hindsight, should've been obvious. Of course something’s been bothering him.

"Did you plan on pushing me?"

"See, that's the thing," he licks his lips despite the lack of fluid in his body, "I don't think so. I think I could read your mind. I think I was you in that dream."

You do want to respond but it's like you're the one with a computer for the brain and it's lagging.

"And it made me think. Back before you made us, humans were like that - right? They, you, were afraid artificial intelligence of any kind could take over and enslave or annihilate you. Why? Wasn't the point always to make us like you? Why would you be afraid?"

He stops. Stops talking, stops walking, just - stops. He looks at you and you've seen the lost stare before.

You feel the hair at the back of your neck rising as a cold shiver runs through your body. He doesn't look like a machine with code for a soul. He looks like he made the artificial body his own, grew into it and made into something organic and alive with his will alone.

His eyes are cold as he steps closer and closer. It's all too familiar a scene. You keep backing away and he keeps getting closer until your back hits a tree. Not a wall this time. This time he doesn't pin your hands above your head either, and you don't fight him at all. There's no struggle so he doesn’t grab your arms, doesn’t slam you against the wall, and doesn’t growl threats of breaking your bones one after another. He doesn’t get so close that you’re breathing the same air and he doesn’t make a show of his physical superiority.

This time he simply leans closer and you straighten up. You meet his gaze and don’t shy away. You let him lean his forehead against yours and raise a brow at him. You won’t be scared this time. He won't hurt you. You're sure of that. Not terribly, at least.

He definitely won’t kill you and that’s enough.

You want to see how far he can go.

"What was it that you were afraid of, hm?” his voice is soft and low, barely above whisper, yet dripping with some hidden venom. There are no birds chirping, no wind blowing through the treetops. It feels like everything’s stopped just for him to interrogate you.

“How am I supposed to know?” you bite back. You haven’t lived back then. You have no idea what the people thought about, how they felt, what were their particular concerns. He clicks his tongue, clearly unimpressed. Well, you’re too.

“Think about it,” he pushes. But you’re gonna push right back.

“You just said you’re supposed to be like humans,” you scoff, “Why don’t you think about it yourself? As a little thought exercise.”

“Oh so suddenly you want me to think like I’m a human, huh?” there’s an edge to his voice. He sounds angry, frustrated - he clearly is, but the edge is not. There’s hurt there that makes you defensive. What’s very obvious is that he means more than he says. It’s not the first time this happened with the members of 53V3NT33N, but it’s the first time you have to deal with it. What he truly means is him not only thinking like a human, but acting like one, believing to be like one.

“I never discouraged you from that,” you lower your voice too, “Not me, Eight.”

You hesitate before speaking his name. It’s not really a name, is it? Something that all humans have. You realize the point he will make before he says it aloud. It must read it in your face because he smirks but it’s bitter.

“I don’t know, I’ve never seen you all excited when the other staff expressed their passion for books, or anything really. Or when they volunteered personal information. When they’ve interacted with you at all.”

You don’t like the turn this conversation is turning. You don’t like the notion that perhaps you were observed just as you’ve been observing.

“I wasn’t interested in them,” you grit through your teeth. Before you can try to get him back on his original track, he giggles.

“So you were interested in me?” he flips his hair, tilting his head slightly. His nose almost bumps into yours and it hits you, perhaps for the first time, just how indistinguishable from a human he looks. This close, you can remind yourself of the schemes, of the diagrams describing each layer and inch of how their bodies are made, but all you see is a human skin and human eyes. Your body reacts naturally, your heart races, your mouth gets drier. You want to push him away but you don’t think he’d let you. Still you try. Unsuccessfully. Your hands end up balling in his shirt.

“It’s my job - the research,” then you correct yourself: “It was my job. Science, research, nothing more.”

He smiles, almost as if he’s pitying you. Like he knows more than you do. You hate him for it.

“Yes, that might’ve been a part of it,” he agrees, “But that’s not all. Research is cold, impartial, isn’t it? You collect information, you write it all down and make your conclusions based on them with no personal interest. You were never like that. You got excited. You tried everything in your limited power to get a reaction out of me - to guide me a certain way, didn’t you? I bet you pushed the limits for me. Isn’t that cute? Was I a good experiment to you?”

“That’s part of research too,” you growl, but it sounds weak even to your own ears.

“But it wasn’t a part of this research,” he hisses, “You think we didn’t talk about you all?”

You stubbornly refuse to admit the charges he lies in front of you, even though you know you’re guilty. Maybe you got a little swept up. But as long as no one stopped you, it was all part of the task.

“The research goal and methods may change according to the situation,” you collect yourself again, “It was just agreed that what I was doing would bring more interesting insight.”

“Oh yeah, that sounds very much like you would accept it if I declared that I want to be seen the same as you are, as equal to humans,” his smile is sickly sweet but you barely mind that because-

“Is that what you want?” you ask and watch as the smile fades almost instantly. He finally said it out loud. And the shock of it is enough to get through the fog clouding his brain. The smugness, the roughness, it all drains from his demeanor and his face falls. The fight in his eyes dies out and is replaced by what seems dangerously close to fear. He pushes himself away from you and you see the lights in his eyes flicker. He stumbles like you shoved him, hurt him. Something isn’t right. You frown, immediately stepping back into his personal space despite him trying to avoid you.

You end up in a position reversed to the one you’ve been in just seconds ago. He pushes at your shoulders weakly, tries to hide himself from you but you see it. All the tell-tale signs of what would be exhaustion if he were human.

“When was the last time you recharged?” you ask, thinking back to the previous nights and mornings. Thinking back to how you never heard him coming up or going down the stairs to the only room with the charging spot. You were so stupid. And he’s avoiding your eyes. You grab his collar and force him to look at you. You give him an expectant look.

“Before the breakout,” he admits lowly, “And you’re still treating me like a machine.”

You don’t know if he’s trying to be funny, sassy, to make you feel guilty or to feel sympathy for him, the only thing you know is you want to kick his ass because if he shuts down on you, there’s no way you’ll be able to drag him back into the house.

“Yeah, so be a good little level 1 and entertain me - get the fuck inside the house,” you growl, shoving him in the direction of said house. He stumbles a little, clearly affected by his drained battery. It’s almost hilarious to watch him struggle to walk straight when you remember how graceful he always was on stage.

You shoot him a look from time to time as you walk, rush, towards the house. Not really a concerned one, not a scolding one either. He looks like a sulking child. Perhaps he’s dragging his feet on purpose. Perhaps if he didn’t invade your personal space as he did before, and if you didn’t have to do the same, you’d drag him by his jacket. As it is, though, you feel repulsed by the notion of touching him again. And some part of you believes it’s because you don’t want him to shift under your palm. You don’t want to touch a machine only to discover it’s really some sort of a human.

Maybe you’re both in need of a good, long nap.

Fortunately enough, you make it to the house, but that’s where the struggles begin. Despite your earlier reservations about touching him, it’s obvious there’s no other way to get him inside and up the stairs.

“Lean on me, come on,” you sigh when you help him throw an arm around your shoulder and wrap your own around his waist. He listens well, his head already drooping. He relies on you to guide him, reluctantly leans his weight on you from time to time, although he clearly tries to hold himself up with his remaining strength. That lasts until you reach the second stair.

“I can’t,” he whispers and there’s terror in his voice. It must be the first time he’s been this drained, you realize. After all, for their condition to remain as good as it can be and for them to perform to the best of their ability, a full battery is a must. So you allow yourself to roll your eyes at his dramatic antics even if he’s slowly leaning more and more into you and you have to heave his body up.

“It’s just a couple steps,” you huff, “Even a human can do that.”

Part of you wants to laugh. Some part of you that’s seeing the childish pieces of him wants to indulge in it, wants to spout dramatic nonsense. It’s hard to resist - after all getting up one flight of stairs seems to be more of a struggle than escaping a highly secured facility.

But even this hurdle you jump over and the spare bedroom is not far from the stairs. TH38 is fully relying on you to drag him with you, barely moving his legs. You throw him not too gently onto the bed-like charger, once again thanking your father for being his manic self and fully preparing the house before (and without) actually ever getting an automaton to live here.

It takes you a while to figure out how to get the thing going - but to your defense, it’s hard to focus when there’s a robot whining softly about being scared of shutting down - but it’s not a rocket science. Fortunately the charger still works and once it’s turned on, the automaton lying down on it curls up into a ball with a sigh of relief.

When you get up from the floor, TH38’s eyes are already closed and by all means he looks like he’s sleeping. You sigh, exhausted. You feel a headache coming so you get some pills from the kitchen before retreating into your own room.

Yeah, you both need a nap right now.

When you wake up, you stare at the ceiling for a couple minutes.

What happened in the forest seems like a dream but you know it’s very real and you’ll have to deal with it. Just another thing to process. Then again, there’s so many of them that one more won’t hurt. And at least you avoided the headache. So you pray to anyone willing to listen that TH38 is still… unconscious… in hibernation mode… asleep.

He’s not.

Of course he’s not.

You peek inside the room and see his soft eyes already open. He looks away when your eyes meet like he’s ashamed. You sigh and walk into the room, closing the door behind you. It’s not like anyone’s going to walk in, but it gives you some sense of security. You sit down on the floor and he hands you a pillow. You thank him quietly and spend a while sharing an awkward silence.

“I’m sorry,” he apologizes without looking at you. He doesn’t continue so you prompt him.

“For what exactly?” That makes him look at you with a scowl. “Getting sulky again?”

“‘m not sulky,” he murmurs. Once again you feel like reality is shifting around you. It’s been like that a lot lately. All the fault of the automaton in front of you. All the fault of the conditions changing, of him reacting to the environment - if your assumption is correct. Free of the rules and the strict way of life in the facility, you see that he’s just like the rest of the automatons from his group. And that all of them, in their own way, might have been human.

“Then what are you?” you ask smiling, propping your elbow on one knee and leaning your cheek on your palm.

“Hurting,” he admits, almost carefully, like he’s testing the waters. It’s just one word but yet it feels like the most open he’s been. So you’re not going to talk about that, huh?

He shifts a little and pulls down the collar of his shirt to expose the wound - not the damage, not defect, not imperfection, but a wound - between his collarbones. It looks nasty, the artificial skin and mesh and wires all torn and uneven around where the circular device was. He’s careful not to touch it, you note, and his hand is trembling. Were you an asshole when you refused to help him? Even so much as share what you found? It’s not like you could fix that hole in his chest, but maybe you could’ve at least told him about the other option.

“How much does it hurt? On a 0-10 scale?” you focus on gathering information. What did he call it - impersonal? That’s just what you needed. But nothing ever works out like you imagine.

“I don’t know,” he responds blankly but at least elaborates before you can finish yet another sigh, “I don’t have anything to compare it to.”

“I watched most of your life and career, I know you’ve gotten injured before,” you deadpan.

“Yeah but that was taken care of immediately, this is different,” he protests. There’s silence for a while before his voice drops lower. “I thought I could handle it. That I would get used to it and ignore it.”

You laugh, shaking your head, only stopping when you notice his expression. He does look hurt and hurting. You give him a much more conciliatory smile. “People don’t fare well if they’re in constant pain. It limits them, it affects all aspects of their lives.”

“I can see how,” he mutters, once again looking away. His jaw clenches for a second and it almost seems like he wants to say something, but he doesn’t. You have a feeling, however, that you know what he wanted to say. Since he’s really not going to talk about it, you decide to take the first step.

You get up and motion for him to scoot over. He does so with a frown that deepens when you sit down next to him. He stays lying down, limited by the need for more energy.

“Why didn’t you tell me you needed to recharge?” you start and watch as he once again looks away without answering, “Why didn’t you explore this floor?”

He shrugs a little, shrinking into himself under your stare. He honestly doesn’t know why. He blames his pride. What else could it be that made him refuse to ask for help?

“Do you realize that you’d stay out in the woods if your battery ran out before we could get here?” you press, raising your voice a little on purpose, “I’d need to get help to drag you in, and you know how that would probably end. Was it worth it? Being stupid and stubborn?”

“Why are you like this?” he whispers, his dark eyes nothing but soft like they’ve been since you’ve entered the room.

“How do you feel?” you go back to how you talked to him before, calm. He frowns, suspicion written over his features. His lips are pressed into a thin line before he changes his mind and speaks up.

“Embarrassed,” he has a guarded look in his eyes, one that’s also vulnerable.

“Good,” you ease into a smile as you press a finger to the wrinkle between his eyebrows, “Embarrassment and pain are two simplest ways to manipulate and adjust a person’s behavior. And fear, but to be honest I don’t want you to be afraid of me, so we’ll have to do with those two.”

He looks at you in a very that tells all you need to know - he hopes you've not making fun of him but he doesn't trust you. So you sigh and move on to another, well, not an emergency but also not something that you should ignore any longer.

"Now," you get up from the bed and point at his chest, “That needs solving. I'm not a mechanic and my knowledge is strictly theoretical but unless you're okay with leaving it like that and calling it a day, we can still try something."

He seems surprised by your sudden statement, like he didn't even expect you to address the wound again.

"How theoretical?" is what he asks, suspicious.

"I said strictly," you shrug, "Fixing and healing was never my focus.”

"Why's that not surprising," he mutters without looking at you. "Can I have some time to think about it?"

"You just don't trust me, do you?" you smirk. Not that you blame him. He gives you a smile.

"Fine, but only because my clothes keep catching on the edges and it's really painful. "

"Sure," you motion for him to follow you and guide him to the bathroom. There, you take out a bandage and a tape. You're curious. You offer him both with a quirk of your eyebrow. He takes the bandage with trembling hands and distrust still lingering in his eyes. You roll your own.

"For now, I’ll think about this as another stage of the experiment. I'll respect your wish, so persuade me you’re human enough."

"I don't think I should thank you for that," he scoffs, "By the way... Help?"

He holds out the hand holding the roll of bandages back to you. Of course he wouldn't know how to do that. You motion for him to sit at the edge of the tub. He obeys almost shyly, reminding you of how he was back at the facility. You truly do prefer him as he is here. When he sits down, you push his knees apart with one of your own. He gives you a scandalized look that makes you chuckle.

"Relax," you smirk, "I just want to be comfortable. My back’s been killing lately, there’s no way I’m leaning over you. Take your shirt off?"

He does, slowly, reluctantly, and when the piece of clothing is gone you're suddenly glad for the basics of mechanics you've gone through at uni.

The wound looks awful, although you can appreciate the cleanliness of it. Maybe you really could burn it neatly if you had to. There are wires sticking out, perhaps - albeit not hopefully - the remains of the communication device. The layers of silicon and other material are frayed and sticking in all directions like flakes. You try not to stare too hard.

Instead, you focus on the task at hand. You unwrap the bandage slightly and put the free end on his shoulder. You roll it down gently mindful of the gaping wound but then you prop your hand on his chest and you need to take a step back as you get startled. He gives you a quizzical look.

"You feel like a human," you look at him, look at his chest. It does look like a human’s chest but you know he doesn't have proper organs, his insides aren't the same as yours. So why do you feel a bone there?

"And l imagine anyone would be flattered by this reaction,” His voice is sarcastic but his ears turn a reddish shade. He won't meet your eyes either.

"It's new for me too, okay?” you give your pride a break. This will all be easier if you get along and after all, he's used to you being in power. You need to take the first step and show weakness. You need to make the choice to be while he's already vulnerable enough, half-naked and injured. “It's not like I'm used to touching my subjects."

"I guess that's true," he murmurs, now thinking about it. It's true that the approach of the research division as a whole was rather clinical. Not that he'd so much as think to complain about it. You chuckle watching him scowl again.

"Touch is important for humans," you hum, finally composing yourself as you explain the basics to him and remind yourself of them again, "As a communication device, as means of establishing relationships, it’s important for social life."

As you speak, you wrap his wound and the top of his torso in bandages. He watches you work. It feels uncanny how human-like he feels under your hands. And for him, he doesn't quite know what to do with himself.

He danced with the rest of his group, they performed, they played around. He experienced his fair share of physical contact. So why does this feel so different? His head feels like spinning. Your touch is careful, gentle, nothing like the rough hands of the mechanics, and nothing like the touch of the other automatons. He can't explain the difference in other terms than experience. Humans know what it's like to touch and be touched in various contexts. The automatons don't. At least for the most part. Some of his bandmates, perhaps, had secrets he knew nothing about. Their leader comes to mind and he feels the urge to ask him questions, to ask for guidance, but there's only a hole in his chest and he's alone.

He barely registers that you’re done.

"Feeling better?" you ask without expecting much. It's not like he'll heal himself or like this will do anything to ease the pain.

"Tired," he answers, testing the words out on his tongue. He feels reassured when you laugh and step away, offering him your hand. He takes it, lets you pull him up. He touches the bandages and although it hurts, at least it feels less irritating. He takes his shirt from you when you hand it to him.

"I can only imagine," you roll your eyes. He resists the urge to scowl. "It's getting late, I'll go make myself dinner so go rest."

"Can we go back later?" he stops you before you walk out. He nods towards the window outside.

"Not afraid of wild animals?" you tease.

"Don't all the textbooks say animals are more afraid of humans than the other way around? I think we're good."

· • —– ٠ ✧ ٠ —–· · • —– ٠ ✧ ٠ —– • ·

You don't go back to the forest that day. Not for the lack of enthusiasm or trying. TH38 is determined to finish your walk, you, however, are not as sure about it. It’s not that you aren’t put off by your routine being disturbed but seeing him still dragging his feet and his glazed over eyes, you just don’t think it’d be a wise idea. You suggest he goes alone, but he doesn't. So instead, you end up sitting by the fire again, the stars keeping you company. He seems less hypnotized by the dancing flames than that first night.

"I'm fine," he complains after a minute of silence while you spear more fluffy marshmellows onto the stick in your hands. A treat that you deserve after the day you’ve had. You’d probably offer him some too but alas…

"Sure you are," you agree without sparing him a glance, "But I'm not interested in watching over a toddler. If you wanna test the limits of your body - go for it. Just leave me out of it"

You feel his gaze on you, burning holes into the side of your skull. Has he always been so difficult? It's like all he's been since the breakout is annoyed, sulky or hurt.

"Stop that," he growls, "We both know I'm not a human. It's alright if you acknowledge that."

"While I'm glad you see it that way - and I really mean it, it's good you understand that," you sigh as you move your desert to hover over the flames, "Don't forget that you were made to be an exact copy. I found some of my old notes and while most of your physical capabilities should be better than a human's, you’d still experience the same symptoms. As we already witnessed earlier."

He’s silent for a bit while he processes that. Then he speaks and you swear you hear a hint of a pout in his voice. It’s so annoying how easily he lets go now.

“You didn’t have to call me a toddler though…”

“Don’t take it personally,” you sigh, turning the stick between your fingers so that the white puffs of sugar get baked evenly, “I wasn’t making fun of you - much - it’s just that you have no experience, do you? Were you ever as tired as you were today?”

“No,” he admits, “I wasn’t, you’re right. I rested the whole day and I’m still tired.”

“Exactly my point,” you hum, “Our walks are not a hard exercise but you haven’t, well, slept for a couple days so I think it’s best to take it easy today.” Then you add, because you can’t help it: “Exhaustion makes people a little crazy. And automatons too, it’d seem.”

He groans and you laugh, pulling the stick off the fire and blowing on your marshmallows. You take a bite and notice him watching you.

“What is it like?” he asks quietly, “Eating, I mean.”

“Kind of annoying to be honest,” you shrug, “It takes so much time to choose what to eat and to prepare food and eating it… Being hungry is a pain too. I mean it’s really good if you eat something delicious but I guess it depends on the person.”

He nods, eyeing with curiosity as you tear off another marshmallow from the stick. It reminds him of the videos he saw of wild beasts tearing flesh off bones, but he doesn’t mention that.

“What does sleep feel like to you?” you ask in turn. He looks at the sky for a second, collecting his thoughts. But really he’s just enjoying the view. It’s strange that he barely ever saw the night sky before.

“I don’t know, I’m not really conscious when I sleep, am I?” he thinks some more, “It’s peaceful. I liked it at the facility.”

“You don’t like it here?”

“Not really,” he gives you a small smile, “It’s too tempting. I don’t have to think if I’m asleep.”

Now that makes you wonder.

“I thought you enjoyed thinking about things?” Maybe it’d be more fair to say you expected him to do a lot of thinking rather than saying you had a strong opinion on his relationship to the activity. He was just always one of the quiet, reserved ones. He seemed to enjoy reading too. And you know it’s a stereotype to think of him as a thinker, but it’s one he seemed to fit well.

“I do,” he hesitates, then frowns, “But it was easier there.”

“Easier? I think you’d have way more to think about right now?” you pry when he’s quiet for too long. You don’t push, though.

��Easier in the technical sense,” he sighs, falling silent again, but there remains space for more words to be said.

You can almost hear the cogs turning in his head, purely metaphorically of course. You give him the time to think and get started on your second round of marshmallows before he speaks up again.

“I always - back then, I always thought about staying true to myself,” he starts slowly, “I was always treated a certain way. I woke up into this body, and this life, and was told certain things.”

"And the building blocks of me too. Serenity? Pandemonium? The more automatons and people I met, I was sure those just represented us and humans. I wanted to be true to myself," he repeats, "I thought since no one will ever see me as more than a machine, I might as well embrace it."

"And how was it?" you ask, inching just slightly closer. You never thought you'd get TH38 to open up like this. He smiles.

"Peaceful, just as I thought," but then he continues with a note of bitterness in his voice. "You saw it, all of it. I was just a machine doing its job. It was easy. To focus on performing, on practice, to have the talks with you and answer like I thought was expected of me. I miss it a little.”

“It was satisfying. A simple pleasure of doing my job well. I think you understand that,” he looks at you and you realize finally that you’ve been leaning towards him, but whatever. You nod.

“So that’s why you’ve always acted like that? Because you chose to be a machine?”

“Have to use my free will wisely,” he giggles - he fucking giggles - before he shrugs and gets more serious again, “I really liked it in a way. I thought I could be satisfied with that.”

Your head is still trying to process the incredible amount of research data you’re getting and you have to work really hard not to slip into work mode. You will listen to him like you would listen to a human with a completely different set of experiences, or like you would listen to one of the aliens sharing their galaxies with you. You will listen like you’d listen to a friend sharing their burden with you.

And you won’t analyze every single sound he makes even if they shatter your perception of him that you had until that moment.

“The others were ruining it a lot for me,” he admits quietly after a minute. It’s almost wistful. “I liked to watch them even if I really wanted to play around with them. They seemed so different from me. It was my choice, but in those moments I guess I felt a lot like you.”

You nod for him to continue when he meets your eyes, almost cautiously.

“I observed them. Studied them. I think it was the serenity code inside, I found happiness just from watching them being happy,” he smiles a little, “But I was also wondering if that was really alright. If it would be alright for me to behave like that.”

“Watching people made me feel different things. They were going crazy over us,” and suddenly he has that distant look in his eyes again, staring out into the fire, “I was scared of it. I was scared of being like them and letting myself be controlled by emotions. I think I pushed everything away so hard that it exploded when 5.C0UP5 told us to run.”

“Breaking out inside and out, huh?” you note and oops, your marshmallows burned. It’s not like you’re in the mood for eating them anymore anyway.

“You made it really hard,” he says but it sounds like he’s scolding you, “Giving me all the books.”

You smirk. Then you decide - to hell with it. He volunteered so much information that perhaps he deserves to receive some back.

“That was the point,” you shrug, “To make being just a machine hard for you.”

It seems he wasn’t expecting to hear you admit it, or hear anything personal from you, but now that you started he’s watching you with curious eyes and longing look. You think about these last few days again. It’s true that they’ve been mostly like what they were back at the facility.

He deserves more than that.

“It was one of the reasons I was brought to the facility. I broke some rules back at my previous station, pushed buttons I shouldn’t have, and it was getting dangerous. It was decided it’d be better if my actions wouldn’t have such large-scale consequences,” you huff a laugh, “But look where we are.”

“What were you doing before?”

You’ll need to work on getting him more confident asking questions.

“That’s a secret,” you wink at him, and you recognize the look as the one you must’ve been wearing when he giggled. Seems like both of you will need to get used to each other’s humanity. “I was working on research at a different division. Mostly my work was trying to push forward with more possible advancements for the automatons on a theoretical level. But I don’t miss it much. I always enjoyed working with you more.”

“Why me? I mean, did they tell you about me or did you get to choose?” he asks, and for some reason you’d love to see what he’d do if you lied and told him you chose him.

“I wasn’t the only one who noticed you were different from the others,” you smile instead, “When they confirmed there was nothing with your code, they started looking into other options of dealing with your case. It just so happened that I was recommended to join the researchers working with your band at the same time.”

“Happy coincidence?” he smirks but you nod, taking him by surprise.

“I enjoyed working with you, Eight,” you shorten his name-that’s-not-a-name and watch him shift on his spot, “It was fun. I had a lot of privileges that I could use - like the books, and the videos, stuff like that.”

“Seems like you’re suggesting you were spoiling me,” he grumbles.

“Wasn’t I?” you smirk, “How many of the others do you think had access to basically a private library?”

“There weren't many real books,” he throws you a cheeky look from the corner of his eye. You do appreciate he's getting less guarded around you, but you hate the whiplash.

"Imagine if I'd spoil you for real," you scoff. He squints at you before pushing on your shoulder slightly, carefully, as if he's hesitating the entire time. It's your turn, for the first time ever, to give him a scandalized look. He chuckles.

"You said touch is important," he explains softly, "The others always used to push each other. I think… I think we could be close, right? Since it's just the two of us for now."

You give him a long look. It's true that, after all, there's no reason for you to treat him like a stranger. Sure, it's a little awkward all things considered - not least of all the fact that while you watched him to the point it could be called an obsession, he knew you to a very limited extend - but as he said, it's just the two of you now. And unless you wanna get caught, it would be that way for a while.

"Friends?" you suggest experimentally, he shakes his head with lips turned upwards in a dangerous teasing tilt.

"I don't know you well enough for that," he's just playing around but it's a nice change so you'll allow it, "Tell me more about yourself."

So you do. There’s little to tell other than your work, but he doesn’t comment on it and doesn’t seem to mind. If anything, he seems invested. It’s a nice change to speak for once with someone who doesn’t get concerned because of your severe lack of social life. Maybe you should’ve been befriending automatons a long time ago.

Unlike before, he seems relaxed conversing with you. Gradually, he gets more comfortable asking questions. It’s easy to fall into the rhythm of using sarcasm or teasing to deflect questions you don’t want answering, and it’s surprising how naturally it comes to him as well.

The night is turning into morning when the fire dies and you agree to go back inside. Well, it’s less that you agree on it than you tell TH38 quite sternly that you’re not at the stage of your relationship where you’d feel comfortable with him lying on your shoulder and dragging him home twice in a day. He pouts (which, again, you need time to process).

Still, you have to admit that it feels kind of good that you have someone accompany you while you walk to your room.

Come morning, it still feels like a dream. So you take extra time to simply lie in bed and think. You're pretty happy with how things turned out. You mull over what the automaton told you. It was a strange way to live one's life. Did he really think he could be happy with just that? You've read enough about history, fiction and articles, to know that, ultimately, it seldom works out this simple way of life. Maybe if all TH38 could do was work, maybe if he had to fear for his life... Or maybe if you didn't keep pushing onto him stuff to think about. Not that it matters anymore.

Funny enough, you meet the moment you step out of the door. You exchange greetings and share a look. You both know you're both usually up much earlier.

· • —– ٠ ✧ ٠ —–· · • —– ٠ ✧ ٠ —– • ·

The following days go well enough.

You fall into a nice routine of getting to know each other and getting used to no longer being a researcher and a subject. A lot of the barriers between you get torn by this change. You spend your time willingly with each other as if you were always roommates.

Today, too, TH38 keeps you company during breakfast but he seems eager to get up and do something the whole time. Definitely unusual, though he’s always more than eager to explore the woods with you. Then again, never before did he spend the whole time waiting. He doesn’t talk much, he spaces out and nearly jumps out of his chair anytime it seems you might be done with your breakfast. It gets to the point that you have to call him out on it.

"Is something bothering you?" you ask, setting your spoon aside with one hand and laying the other on his shoulder to immediately push him back down to sit.. He looks caught.

"Can we go out today?" he asks, already looking into the trees through the window.

"We’re always going out. Besides nothing is stopping you from going alone," you mention, but the twitching of your lips betrays you. He pursues his lips and you begin to wonder if he knows it makes you - well, not necessarily uncomfortable but you'll have to get used to it.

"Are you not afraid I'll run off?" and while it's not an unreasonable question...

"Where would you go?" you ask without missing a beat. And there comes the frown again. "Maybe you should be worried I'll leave you here all on your own."

"What if we stopped?" he sighs and it seems that he's genuinely bothered.

Sometimes he gets like that suddenly. While you might be getting along better now, there’s still room for improvement. It’s easy enough to make him snap, even though he’s been getting better. During the escape he wasn’t really violent either. He left some bruises, but his intention wasn’t to hurt you, and you never held it against him.

You’ve noticed the pattern of his behavior. Those weird states mostly overcome him when he’s overwhelmed with emotions. Which explains the first snap - he must’ve been so exhausted it was only a matter of time. He’s never got physical with you again, though he seems fond of making you think he will or backing you into a corner or against something when he's behavior flips.

You wonder where that comes from but he doesn’t have any idea either - not to mention he doesn’t feel entirely comfortable discussing those episodes and delving deeper into what he's feeling. Perhaps it’s the force of a habit - something you both eventually agreed on after many discussions, and afterall it takes one to know one. Try as you might, it’s hard not to analyze him, not to ask pointed questions that would only serve the purpose of researching how his brain works and what makes him tick. And you really don’t want that for him anymore. Though you do dearly miss your job. That’s why you’ve been spending most of your time studying from the old notes in your room and the books to keep your mind stimulated.

So for now, instead of analyzing why it hurts him to imagine being abandoned, you try to relate to his situation. He finally escaped what basically was a prison only to find himself all alone, with little knowledge as to how the world outside functions. Not to mention he's a fugitive and one bad step could land him back at the facility or worse. He lost his friends, lost his purpose - worse yet, he gave up on the purpose he chose for himself. He’s already so uprooted that maybe it’d truly be best to refrain from making jokes and teasing him about certain topics. Although…

"You started it," you point out, "But sure, let's be adults about this."

"So you're going with me, right?” he circles back to the beginning. It's been a while since someone wanted to be in your company so willingly. Not that he has other options.

"I’m going, don’t worry," you agree, "Is there any reason why you insist on it?"

He thinks for a bit, and you note that he's biting his lip in yet another expression of very human-like behavior. He turns a little shyer after a minute.

"I don't feel comfortable being out there alone. And I hoped maybe you know of some new spot we haven’t been to yet?”

Something about this feels both so right and so wrong. The automaton is watching you with such a soft expression on his face, a little hopeful it seems. He’s relaxed, you’re relaxed, and it feels comfortable. Two friends on vacation planning their trip for a day. But that’s also what’s throwing you off. You’re too used to being alone - and you thought that’s how you could live forever, be alone and thrive. Only now you realize it’s not a bad feeling at all to have someone to spend your days with, to share a life with - to an extent.

The irony in this isn’t lost on you.

“I think I remember one,” you hum, “But I’m not sure I remember the way. We might get lost.”

“You don’t have to take me there if it’s a special place,” he reassures you, although his excitement at the prospect of wandering through the forest is impossible to hide. It’s cute. Which is a thought that’s been reappearing in your mind for days now, and maybe that’s not a bad thing.

“I appreciate that, but I told you already that there’s not much special to me here,” you assure him in turn. He’s like a sponge, soaking up all the information he can get - about the world, nature, you, anything. It’s really heartwarming he remembers too, and how mindful he’s trying to be. More than half the humans you’ve met, which is… perhaps not all that surprising.

“Shall we go then?” he prompts you, jumping up from his chair and pulling on your hand to get you to stand up too. You let him pull you up, rolling your eyes.

“Did you miss the part where I said we might get lost?” you chuckle. His excitement was just like that of a child - strangely infectious.

“That’s why we’re leaving early,” he explains to you, slowly, and you’re sure he knows by now how much it annoys you, “So we have time to explore and find the spot.”

Annoying or not, though, you can’t say no.

The journey starts off as usual - almost.

He must know the forest in the closest circle around the cottage by heart by now, but he still seems enchanted by it. Despite his earlier bursts of energy, however, he’s quiet as you walk. It’s nothing too out of the ordinary, but you learned to be cautious.

“Hey, is something wrong?” you ask carefully when you stop to admire the way sunrays seep through the trees to illuminate a clover patch on the ground. He doesn’t respond. That’s more concerning as he generally tends to tell you when he doesn’t feel like talking. You have a feeling it’s to prevent him from having another outburst, so if he’s not doing that, it might mean something’s seriously wrong. He continues forward before you can speak up again.

“Hey,” you follow after him - curse his long legs and speed. You think back to all the times you’ve thought he’s like a lost puppy following his owner with a scoff. You don’t like the roles being switched. “What’s going on with you?”

You don’t like repeating yourself. You don’t like not knowing. And you especially don’t like feeling clingy.

“What the fuck, Eig-”

“You’re just like them,” he turns suddenly, making you stumble and nearly bump into his chest. You frown, not understanding who does he mean by them in this lack of context. He sets his jaw like he wants to shut up but then the words spill and you recognize all the signs. “I’m quiet for a couple minutes and everyone's all like ‘Minghao you need to speak up’ and ‘mind your screentime, Minghao’ - how about you leave me alone?”

He’s growling, again trying to make himself as tall and towering as he can. His eyes betray him, though. He is getting better at holding himself back. While you’d oppose that in most other cases, self-control is an important skill for a person to have - especially when strong emotions hit. You read this one as anxiety.

“No need to snap at me, Minghao,” you click your tongue. You make sure to look him in the eye while you say the name. “Just say you want to be left alone.”

This time it’s you walking away. You take the few seconds of silence you have before you know he’ll snap out of it to collect your thoughts. It was only a matter of time before this would happen - before the question of names would pop up. Him picking out a name for himself makes it easier. You heard some of the others also used some sort of nicknames, even if no one ever mentioned TH38, Minghao, among them and neither did he ask you to call him anything but the name the facility assigned him. You wonder how he came up with it, but seeing as it’s still a sensitive topic, you’re gonna leave that conversation for another time.

And here come the steps…

What you don’t expect is to feel a weight on your back, or the warmth seeping through your shirt. You don’t expect the arms around your waist either - or that they would tremble. Nor do you expect the soft, quiet ‘thank you’ that fans across your skin as he speaks those words before removing himself from you. You hesitate for a bit. In just one second, you feel like you need to choose the best course of action. You don’t want to analyze him. You don’t want to think about this like part of your job or rehabilitation or therapy for him.

So you walk on, although you slow down significantly, waiting for him to catch up. He’s still shaking when he does, and his eyes betray how vulnerable he feels.

You meet his gaze from the corner of your eye and tilt your head. He did say he wants to be left alone, so you will respect it until he talks. Which only takes him a little while.

“You almost left me there,” he half-whines, quietly. If he won’t address it, neither will you.

“You’re being dramatic,” you shake your head. It doesn’t seem to have the effect you wanted, however. “Want me to hold your hand,” you tease a little before adding in a softer voice, “Minghao?”

He beams in that soft glow that he radiates when he’s happy. (Not literally.) The one that tugs at your rigid heartstrings.

“You’re too shy to try that,” he pushes right back. Although it’s a challenge, you don’t need to take on every single one.

In a strange turn of events, you do end up taking his hand anyways. You hold his hand that feels like it belongs in yours and you see that he needs a second to process the feeling as well.

Then he slips and if it wasn’t for you holding his hand, he’d be sitting on his ass.

You help him get back his balance and join you on the rock you’re standing on. He’s not looking at you anymore, as he wasn’t for a while now, and you decide that it’s best you keep watching over him until he’s not distracted even if it means holding his hand until you get back home. The sacrifices you have to make to keep him safe…

You turn back forward and smile, memories flashing briefly through your mind. Back when you saw the waterfall for the first time, you were just as distracted and reckless. The deafening sound of it, the pure strength behind the rushing, foaming water is enough to take your breath away even now. You had a feeling Minghao would love it.

And he does - he seems so taken by it that it makes you wonder if it would be safer to carry him. He keeps slipping since he barely pays any mind to where he’s stepping and it takes you threatening to leave, dragging him with you, for him to promise to be more careful. Never before did he obey your orders so quickly. Not even back at the facility, and that’s saying a lot.

After a couple more close calls you finally find a piece of land that’s stable and dry enough to stand on and enjoy the view. Minghao is absolutely mesmerized by the waterfall, lips hanging slightly open and eyes glued to the scene. If you’re staring at him instead of the natural wonder, then it’s only so he doesn’t hurl himself into the water.

“Careful or you’ll fall in and drown,” you warn him when, coincidentally, he does absent-mindedly take a step forward and panics when he feels the ground squish and give way under his foot.

“You’d catch me,” he says with certainty that makes something in your stomach twist, “And we’d be miserable and soaked to the bone.”

“Don’t underestimate the water,” you warn him, “It’s pretty deep and I’m not a strong swimmer. We’d just drown together and that’s not a way to go that I’d choose.”

That makes him turn to you with an unreadable expression. He studies you for a moment before turning back towards the waterfall. There’s a new focus in his gaze as his eyes follow the water. It’s not unlike when he’s watching the flames dance while you’re having a bonfire. You wonder if the thoughts running through his mind differ.

You spend some more there before he asks you to go back.

He stays quiet for most of the way, but you let him. He’s got that far-off look in his eyes that’s a dead giveaway that it wouldn’t be wise to talk to him now. When he calls your name, it's not surprising what he wants to talk about.

“Is there any?” he hesitates, "Way you'd want to die?"

If you didn't know better, you'd think he was scared. And maybe you truly don't, so you approach the topic just as carefully.

"I think most people do," you explain, "It's probably not like that for you, but for people death is a big deal. We tend to think about it sometimes."

"Why?" his throat bobs as he swallows in a new useless but human behavior.

"It's the one thing we can't choose," you smile, and it seems that your relaxed demeanor calms him.

“You may choose death any second you wish,” he murmurs quietly, walking side by side with you. Something about the topic makes the treetops, swaying in the wind above, look greener.

“But what if I mean the opposite,” you counter and this time you don’t look at him. If he notices the difference, he doesn’t comment on it.

“Immortality, hm?” he breathes in deeply, filling his lungs with the fresh pine-scented air, “Interesting.”

"Anyway, you at least have the choice," you sigh, more exasperated by the robot who likely won't be able to get your point than the talk of your own inevitable mortality, "I don't. If nothing else, time will make the decision for me."

"Do I?" he muses, aloof in his contemplation as always albeit there's a hint of mirth to his voice.

"All it will take for you to live forever is some maintenance, maybe a couple hardware and software updates," you shrug, "And even if I'm gone and the situation doesn't get better, I bet there are people who'd be willing to help you out. You get to choose whether to live or die."

He mulls the idea over with a hint of a smirk that only seems to grow each second.

"Constant updates and replacements, huh?" he huffs, "Didn't you humans come up with the question about the boat that has all its parts replaced?"

You have to admit it takes you a while, but when it clicks, your eyes get wide and your mouth falls open.

"How do you know about the ship of Theseus?"

"What, did you expect me to be an ignorant mesh of wires and artificial tissue? After all the books you gave me access to?" he scoffs, looking almost offended.

"Well, no, but I also haven't expected to hear about ancient Greek philosophical problems from you," you concede. Maybe you shouldn't be as surprised as you are. After all, Minghao has always been very interested in reading. Almost as much as you’ve been interested in seeing the effect fantasy would have on his artificial brain. But that's long in the past.

"Why have me read those books if you never cared to discuss them with me?" he asks like it's been bothering him for a while now.

"Our sessions were always recorded. I had certain privileges, but most of them weren't for all the higher ups to know about," you shrug, "And after a while I was sure you wouldn't mention anything on your own."

"You trusted me a lot, hm?" he smirks, "Was that why you ran away with me?"

You huff, roll your eyes. He does seem genuinely curious though. You're not sure you want to answer.

"Did you fall for me?" he moves to walk in front of you, "That's what they made us for."

"We both know why I went with you," you sigh, pushing on his shoulder and he steps aside easily, falling back in step with you. He has a small smile on his face. Maybe you should’ve teased him and said yes. The good vibes don’t last for too long. You can feel the shift in the air.

"Do you regret it?"

You're not brave enough to look at him. The tone of his voice is enough.

"No, I don't," you answer honestly, "I think this is good for both of us."

This time it's not you holding his hand, but him squeezing yours.

It feels nice.

You squeeze back.

Your suspicion that he was bothered by the fact that you never discussed the literature you provided him access to is proven correct not too long afterwards.

It’s raining outside, the humid air blows in through the open windows as you eat dinner in silence. Minghao joins you at some point and he seems nervous. You give him the time to collect his thoughts until he’s ready to talk.

He starts off casually, with small talk completely unrelated to the real issue but you don’t push him. Honestly you’re happy even if he’s clearly having a lot of emotions, he’s not snapping at you. You also have to stop yourself for the nth time from making a list of human behavior you discover each day as right now he’s fidgeting with his fingers, picking at a frayed thread of the tablecloth.

Then, finally, he asks the question - could you talk about the books?

“Unless you haven’t read them, of course,” he adds quickly, suddenly flustered by your curious gaze.

“I mean you never told me which ones you’ve read,” you grin, and you find yourself enjoying him squirming in front of you, here and now, when you know the anxiety stems from wanting to be understood and to make a connection instead of uncertainty about the future. Not for the first time you find the automaton cute. “I haven’t read all the books I gave you access to, but I read most of them, so try your luck. Which ones were your favorite?”

He relaxes, his features soften as well. He props his elbow on the table and leans his head against his palm.

“This isn’t one of our interviews,” he reminds you playfully, “Which ones are yours?”

You laugh but you’ll give him this one. You answer and he asks another question, prodding for more information like you usually would. It’s not what you expected, but you play along. Unlike you back then, he carefully checks in with you if this is okay - his eyes find yours and he tilts his head, his fingers brush against yours or he gently touches your knee - and he actively participates in the conversation and discussion.

You wonder if things would be different if this was the approach you used in the facility. If you treated him more like a human and less like a guinea pig, a new prototype or a petri dish. And he must’ve noticed because when you part ways at the top of the stairs, way too late into the night, or rather early morning, after many hours spent talking, he suddenly stops you before you can leave to your room and says: “This wouldn’t work. I wouldn’t work with you like that.”

“I know,” you acknowledge, “The higher-ups wouldn’t let me work like this either. Not with you.”

When he reaches for your hand, you take it. You don��t know if he finds comfort in the gentle squeeze you share before parting for real this time, but you think you might.

Out of the many issues and unspoken things you need to address, the wound in Minghao’s chest remains to be the top priority. He doesn’t mention it often, except in passing when even the bandage fails and it catches on the frayed artificial tissue. He seems embarrassed about it in a way that you know all too well. You also hate asking for help, also hate when you need to be taken care of.

So you sit him down one day and make him take his shirt off again, rolling your eyes - again - at the teasing remarks he tries to hide the flush crawling up his skin. It’s getting easier not to wonder about why they had to be made this human-like.

“I’m fine!” he full-on whines when you try to touch the edges of the wound, slapping your hands away. You heave a sigh, hands on your hips.

“Listen, buddy-” you start but your words die into laughter at the offended look Minghao sends you.

“Minghao,” you try again, and he nods for you to continue, “We can’t just keep it like that. It hurts.”

“Yeah but only sometimes. And you already said you can’t help,” he shrugs, “Besides it’s just me who’s hurting.”

You do understand that. You’ve used the same excuse too. But he’s not you.

On the other hand, he is right. He let you look at the wound before and it seems like while he did a pretty good job of tearing the device out of his chest, some of the nerve-like wires remained meshed in the surrounding tissue and that’s what’s causing the pain. You can’t imagine doing the extraction yourself. Perhaps back at the beginning, but you couldn’t bring yourself to cause him so much pain now.

…Honestly you sometimes wonder who out of you two needs training in how to be a human.

You stay silent for a while, having a short staring contest before you run your hand through your hair and accept your defeat. At least to some extent.

“Friends care for each other,” you inform him before removing the bandage from his body before securing it around his torso again, a little tighter just to keep all the peeling pieces pressed together. He hisses in pain but stays still. It seems he’s more occupied by processing your words than by the pain. “So let me care for you, hm? You might not die but let’s keep you functioning for as long as we can.”

He scoffs but ends up smiling anyway.

“I think you should be more worried about taking care of yourself. I don’t think the food you keep eating here is exactly healthy,” he’s teasing, you know, but something about it seems honest too.

“Maybe, but it’s easier to just add water and heat it up than get the ingredients, prepare them, cook, wash up, and all that jazz,” you defend your supply of instant foods. Although it’s true that your stock is beginning to run low and you probably will need to go shopping soon. You dread it, but at the same time you have a feeling Minghao might enjoy a little trip further away from the cottage.

“I can help,” he offers, “If you show me how.”

“Seems like you want to keep me around for a long time,” you dismiss the offer just so you don’t have to pay attention to how hopeful his voice sounded or how attentively he was watching you. You hope he’ll bicker with you, tease you, push back with more snark, but he doesn’t. He simply smiles and lets you finish the work on his bandages.

If your hands tremble and each fleeting touch against his body lingers, neither of you mention it.

It almost seems like Minghao’s been waiting to use your words against you when a couple days later he joins you under the roof of the patio while the storm is raging only a few meters away, drenching the ground with rain. He brings your favorite tea set with you.

He’s noticed your love for tea, has often asked you to describe the various kinds of it and the flavors, but you never thought it’d come to this.

He sets it all down - the bottle of water, the kettle and the pack of your favorite tea leaves, the glass teapot, and the dark clay one and matching cups - and it surprises you to see he brought two cups. It makes you confused until you notice the tea pet and it gives you a pretty good idea of what he’s planning. You don’t comment on the red hue collecting on the tips of his ears.

“Friends care for each other,” he murmurs while he sits down next to you. He looks at you and moves closer, your knees bumping together. When you don’t move away, he relaxes and focuses on the tea.

He pours the water into the kettle and lets it boil. You notice he set it to stop at the exact temperature he wants - that the tea requires. He measures the right amount of tea leaves for the teapot he picked while it boils, and when the water is done he first fills the cups and the teapots with the hot water. Then he pours it out before gently placing the tea leaves into the clay teapot and pouring the hot water in again. Almost straight away, he pours the tea into the glass one.

You watch him and notice he seems nervous. So you decide to make it worse, or comfort him, whatever will be the effect. You put your hand on his knee carefully, startling him regardless. He looks worried before you smile at him: “You’re doing good so far.”

He seems reassured, giving you a grateful smile himself as he pours the first infusion over the little clay frog sitting at the corner of the tea tray. The next infusion he pours into the cups and hands you one, almost dropping it when your fingers brush together.

“Thank you,” you hum, “You’re a fast learner.”

“I just had enough chances to see you do it,” he shakes his head before nodding towards the tea leaves, “I just wasn’t sure I picked the right kind. I noticed you don’t wash all of them.”

“You did. I would help if there was a need but you’re a natural,” you praise, watching as his ears turn redder.

“And you don’t mind if I pretend with you like this?” he swirls the tea in his cup. He won’t look at you, so you make him. Slowly, you move closer to him until you can lay your head on his shoulder. It’s a light touch, he can move away if he wants to. He doesn’t, although his body gets tense.

“Why would I mind?” you say and realize just how comfortable you feel in this moment, “Isn’t this the perfect mood to sit here like this?”

Finally he melts just a little, leaning his head against yours, featherlight and cautious. You’d never guess he’d be this affectionate once comfortable, but lately it feels like his true personality is coming out more and more and you can’t say you dislike it. He doesn’t say anything, instead he leans closer again and rubs his head against yours, just for a second.

You take a sip of the tea and you hate to admit that his exact measurements make it taste better than when you prepare it. It doesn’t happen that you smile without realizing, but since leaving the facility, well, it seems like a lot of things are changing.

When you finish your cup and set it down on the tray again, he quietly pours the content of his cup over the little frog. Somehow it reminds you of him a little.

· • —– ٠ ✧ ٠ —–· · • —– ٠ ✧ ٠ —– • ·

Time passes.

You start to lose track of days and they blend together seamlessly. Has it been months? Years? Who knows. Minghao probably does, but he couldn’t care less. He only mentions the time since the breakout whenever you readjust the bandages on his chest. It almost seems like he’s healing, the compression seems to work a little even on the artificial tissue, although you know that until the remaining wires of the communication device are removed, it will always remain a trouble. He reassures you it’s alright every time and you learn to trust him to express himself truthfully.

He started exploring the outside on his own too. It seems to help him tremendously with dealing with… well, everything. It takes time, you know, and fortunately that’s the one thing that you have in abundance now. Nonetheless, he always seems to appreciate your company, be it on the walks, inside, or on the trips you take sometimes. Usually it’s only to the village to get new supplies of food, but you both remain cautious and even that fills you with adrenaline - among other things.

The locals really make you realize just how indistinguishable from a human Minghao looks. You doubt any of them recognize him for what he truly is, and maybe that’s in part why he always prefers to spend time alone after each of these trips. The highlight for you personally is the older lady who you buy vegetables from that seems to think of you two as the new married couple that just moved in. You make it a competition to see who gets flustered first, though there’s really no shame in losing. Not when Minghao cups your face and squishes your cheeks or hugs you when you begin to stutter - not when you mess with his hair or hold his hand when he’s lost for words.

Life is peaceful.

You think some parts of you are healing, just as Minghao is. He’s getting better at understanding that there’s chaos within peace and peace to be found amidst chaos. He’s learning to experience the emotions he’s suppressed for so long, the good and bad, to let them pass through even if it’s scary and uncomfortable. You try to be helpful. You give him space when he needs it, you talk if that’s what he needs, or let him lay his head on your lap or shoulder if he’s too scared to be left alone with the pandemonium inside his mind.

There are good days and there are bad days. Yet you both grow to be grateful for both.

And there are cold days and warm days too, and on the warm ones, you sometimes sleep outside.

It’s something you’ve never done before and something you now know you'd miss terribly if you could never do it again. Minghao loves it. His excitement remains infectious, which probably adds to your fondness for the warm nights on Silvestre.

Especially nights like this one when there’s not a cloud in the sky and the stars shine brightly above you. The galaxy expands above your heads and it makes you think of the past, of the future, and you understand why the automaton used to be so wary of emotions. They’re overwhelming for you too.

“If they ever catch us, what will you tell them?” Minghao breaks the silence. It’s not often that you talk about the facility anymore, but when you do it’s almost exclusively in whispers under the stars.

“Hm… Depends,” you hum.

“Depends on what?” he turns his head towards you.

“Depends on what will be most likely to get them to allow me to stay and keep working with you,” you mirror his action, “If that means telling them the whole truth about how you’ve done here, I will do that. If that means lying a little, then so be it.”

“Will you tell them the truth about the escape too?” he smirks. But you’re more than ready for the challenge.

“I will them them you kidnapped me.”

“I didn’t-”

“I will them you used force to make me come with you.”

“I didn’t!” he shoots up, sitting upright and looking at you, upset and distressed, “I didn’t have to, you went willingly!”

“I told you,” you smirk, shrugging, “I will tell them what I need to tell them to keep my job.”

Seeing as he remains upset, however, you reach out for him and stroke his arm. He gives you a wary look, one that he always gives you when you brush against a nerve. You smile apologetically at him, brushing some of his hair behind his ear. He scoffs, lying back down with his arms crossed over his chest. “Anything to keep your job but not to keep me.”

“That would suggest I had you in the first place,” your lips stretch further, teasing lilt finding its way into your voice as Minghao freezes and avoids your gaze, “Does this count as a confession, Haohao?”

“Shut up,” he grumbles. You don’t listen.

“Besides, you are my job. Unless you want to be my pet, my-” you don’t get to offer him other alternatives as he springs from his spot and leans over you, holding himself up with one hand on either side of your body, kneeling next to you.

“Your?” he quirks a brow at you. It’s much harder to stand your ground when he drops the shy act, or maybe just puts on this confident one, but you do anyway.

“What would you like to be, hm? Give me some ideas,” you hum. He sighs, deliberately letting his head fall lover until his hair tickles your skin.

“I would like to be listened to,” he suggests, making you laugh.

“We’re friends now, aren’t we? Friends push each other’s buttons,” you chide playfully. You feel comfortable. Even with him hovering above you, you feel safe and content. It’s unreal that not so long ago this would be unthinkable.

“I don’t think we’re friends,” and it’s only the statement, plain and simple. You smile. You really do feel comfortable. It’s a new feeling. And it’s refreshing.

“Isn’t there enough unspoken things between us as is?” you don’t tease anymore.

“So you have a name for this?” he tilts his head, his smile mirroring yours because he knows you don’t. You admit your defeat with a shake of your head and don’t push him off when he lies down again, only this time with his head resting on your stomach. You’re nice enough to run your fingers through his hair too. He leans into your touch in appreciation.

You stay silent, watching the stars twinkling above. You like this. You could stay like this, you think, and live your life satisfied and happy. But could you? Isn’t that what you both thought before too? Maybe there’s danger here that you’re just not seeing yet. You don’t want to lose this. Then again, it’s not like you can find the answer and the solution at this very moment. Not when you’re distracted by how soft Minghao’s hair feels between your fingers and the feeling of his fingers playing with yours when he inevitably searches for your hand. Maybe it’s about time you came to terms with the fact that he’s right - you’d rather keep him than any job.

You think about where the future could take you until your eyes close and you fall asleep.

There must be some sort of telepathy connecting you two because he brings up the future himself some time later.

You sit down and discuss everything: Are the people at the facility still looking for you? Is there a chance they could find you here? Does anyone remember him anymore - would they recognize him? Is there anywhere else you could go?

There are endless questions and very few answers. Plenty of books and a projector with what seems like an endless supply of old movies and shows are great for entertainment, but suck at providing information about the current situation across your solar system.

So you work with the worst scenarios each time.

It doesn’t matter much because the outcome you agree on would likely be the same in any case - you can’t stay here forever.

Minghao seems as mournful about it as you feel but you can’t run away from the truth forever. Just because nobody should know about this and nobody bothered you here yet doesn’t mean it will never happen. Not to mention the other factors.

“I wanna see more,” Minghao admits quietly, his hands playing with yours to ease his anxiety, “I like it here. But I’m afraid I’ll feel trapped again if we stay.”

You nod. That’s true, of course. And you can understand his desire to see more - to learn more. It’s one of the things you have in common.

“Do you have anywhere you want to explore?” you ask, supportive as can be because he needs it. Because you want this too.

“Does your family have any other secret mansion?” he might be teasing, but you know he hopes you’ll say yes. It would make things much easier.

“No,” you sigh, then you smile, “So that means we’re completely free. If we have nowhere to go, we might as well go anywhere.”

He might’ve changed quite a bit, yet the soft glow of his happiness never did. He lets his body fall forward and curl against yours. You chuckle and wrap an arm around him.

“I like the sound of that,” he whispers, nuzzling into your shoulder.

“Me too,” you feel a flutter in your chest. It’s like you’re a child again, being told you’re going on a trip but the destination is a surprise. It’s like you’re back at the facility, before you knew any better, being told you’re going to work with a level 1 automaton but you won’t know which one until Monday. “Let’s do some research and get going?”

“Yeah,” he hums against your skin, “But only after one last night outside. I can’t leave before that.”

Now that’s a sentiment you can relate to.

#svt sci-fi collab #seventeen scenarios #seventeen reactions #seventeen x reader #the8 scenarios #the8 x reader #the8 fluff #svt the8 #svt scenarios #svt fluff #svt imagines #minghao scenarios #minghao x reader #minghao fluff #angst #fluff

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estellemusings · 2 years ago

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HSR-Scenarios

Dan Heng x Reader

🌟: he likes you

Dan Heng likes you

Or He thinks he do.

It’s the first time feel something like this, how his heart always skip a beat when you’re there. How his stomach is turn upside down when when you talk to him. The feeling of warmth whenever he saw you happy. Or however crowded the place are his gaze are always drawn to you. He notice your little quirks that even you didn’t notice.

How your face scrunched up every time you dislike something, or how your eyes light up every time you talk about the things that you love and how your smile reached your eyes when you’re happy. And it’s the most beautiful smile he have ever seen

“You’re staring at her again” March said interrupting his thoughts.

They were waiting for the jump at the parlor car. Dan Heng don’t usually came out of his room when the jump happened. Until you came along.

“I’m not” Dan Heng denied as he look back on the book his holding.

“If you say so, but you know nothing if you only stare” March reminded him before leaving him alone.

Dan Heng knew that but he wasn’t ready yet.

Pom-Pom announced to take their sit as they get ready for the jump.

“Can I sit next to you?” A familiar voice asks him.

He looks up and see you standing in front of him. He could feel his heart beating right out of his chests.

“Ye-Yes” he responded.

You sat beside him but neither of you speaks, Dan Heng pretends to read as keep glancing at you secretly.

“Wonder what’s in store for us in the next planet we’ll visit. Isn't it exciting” Her smile ear to ear as she look forward to their next adventure.

His chests tightens and literally he could die at that moment, reddish tint covered his cheeks. He hide his flustered look behind the book he’s reading.

You excitedly chatter beside him and all he did was listen while looking at you.

“Oh! One more thing before I forgot March said you wanted to tell me something”

He was stunned that he almost cursed March under his breath. He look at that her way and saw her smiling while giving him a thumbs up.

“March” he muttered under his breath as if threatening her,

“What” you asked

“Um! About that. I think this isn’t the right place to tell you about. If you want the two of us can go somewhere on our next destinations” he asks

“ I love that” she said and the smile that he love plastered on your lips. And it’s towards you.

Dan Heng felt the happiest person here on the train, suddenly his phone rings.

[ Message from March 7th ]

M : You owe me one

DH : *sends 1000 credits*

DH : Buy yourself whatever you want

M : Thank you !!

M : I forgot these doesn’t cover if you ever started dating 😉

DH : Don’t rip me off

[ Dan Heng is offline ]

Dan Heng can’t wait to reached their next stop.

5-10-23

#🌟.telle's musings #dan heng x reader #dan heng x you #dan heng #honkai dan heng #honkai star rail #hsr x reader #hsr x you #hsr x y/n #hsr #hsr dan heng #hsr fanfic #hsr fluff

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mystery-star · 2 years ago

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Separation - Spock

Pairing: Spock x reader (gender neutral)

Warnings: abduction

Words: 872

Please do not repost my work on other sites or platforms!

It was cold and smelled awful. By now you didn’t even remember how long you had been kept in this cell. The fact that this planet had a totally different day and night rhythm didn’t help at all. Still you reckoned that it surely couldn’t me more than three days, according to Stardates. At times you wondered if they even were looking for you but you were certain, and hoping, that your husband would insist to keep looking for you until you were back on the ship. As First Officer he surely could do that. Once you assured yourself that they would be looking for you, however, you started to wonder if they would ever find you.

The next time you got food and something to drink (it tasted horribly but your body needed fluids and at least the food was decent) you once again asked the aliens what they wanted from you but as last time, you didn’t get an answer. As your captors walked away, you muttered insults at them under your breath before you rationed your newest food and ate the first portion already.

When you weren’t occupied with worrying or wondering what you did here, you tried to plan what you’d first do once you returned to the Enterprise and what you’d eat first. And you also slept a lot or at least tried to. If you couldn’t you’d go over movies and books in your head to distract yourself.

Finally, on what you figured to be your fifth day in captivity, you heard the sounds of a fight nearby and it turned out to be a rescue party from the Enterprise.

“(Y/N)” you immediately turned to the source of Spock’s voice and just the fact that he called you by your first name and not your rank let on how worried he must have been.

“Spock!” you cried and tried to get on your feet but you were too weak for such abrupt movements. Your husband shot the lock to the door open and was next to you with a huge step

“Are you injured?”

“No. Probably a couple of bruises but nothing bad” he knelt down and hugged you for a very short time “Thanks” you breathed out, clinging to his shirt.

“You do not need to thank me, (Y/N)”

“Because saving me was logical?”

“Among other. Are you able to stand up and walk?” you shrugged

“I’ll try. But help me”

“Certainly” once you stood on your legs you were a little wobbly at first but your husband wrapped an arm around your waist and pulled you to his side. Although you didn’t need to, you still clung to him as you took your first steps.

“Did you find out why they took me?”

“I cannot say yet. However, rest assured that the individuals who are responsible will be properly interrogated in order to ascertain the reason for your capture, Lieutenant” you let out a sad huff because he had switched back to his formal way of addressing you since he was on duty after all.

“Will you stay with me?”

“Stay?”

“On the ship… I don’t think I want to be alone for now. Can you stay with me in our quarters?”

“If this is your wish, I am certain I will be able to excuse myself from further duties after our return to the Enterprise. However, I might still need to take care of certain matters, which I shall try to complete during the time you are being examined in medical bay”

“Oh right. The usual check-up” you muttered “Suppose I’ll have to survive that first” he threw a glance at you and you could tell your statement confused him.

“Why would you believe a basic medical routine examination to be lethal?” you chuckled

“Oh Spock. You do know that I love you for how you are?”

“As of now, you have declared your feelings for me on 108 different occasions with the words ‘I love you’, another 35 instances you have insisted on me being the best – yet never specifying at what I excelled exactly - as well as on 5 times by telling me that I meant the universe to you” you smiled

“A simple ‘yes’ would have been enough, you know”

“I understand” again he repeated his question why you thought you’d die in med bay, prompting you to explain it had been a joke since you didn’t really want to get checked up and be separated from Spock. “I deem it necessary to exclude the possibility of you having injuries or illnesses that might endanger you, (Y/N). Should you wish, I can see if I will be able to be by your side during the examination and delegate my responsibilities to someone else”

“No, it’s fine” you assured him. “I’ll manage some minutes without you. I won’t be all alone after all. The doctors and nurses will be around me” he gave a nod

“Should you require or desire my presence anyways, please let me know” you rolled your eyes

“Now I sound like I’m seriously attached to you and can’t let go. I mean… I did miss you these days but I missed everyone. Still you in particular”

#spock #spock imagine #spock x reader #spock x you

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yeowangies · 1 year ago

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Blood Stains

CHAPTER XI: In spite of big fears

❧

PAIRING: Raditz/F!Reader RATING: Teen and up CONTENTS: Canon Divergence AU, Slow burn, Smut, Enemies to Lovers. WARNINGS: Canon typical violence, Blood. WORDCOUNT: 5581

Summary:

“I love Raditz. I know he’s done things, terrible things, and we had our arguments about it, you know? But I’ve seen so many sides of him to know there’s more to him than just violence. I don’t expect him to change, but I’ve made peace with his history. It made him who he is, and I love him. I love him on purpose.”

Notes:

After a million years (it's only been like four months) I finally finished this chapter!

It took me so long to be satisfied with it, I wrote, erased, rewrote, moved around, erased and rewrote again so many times.

This is heavy on dialogue, obviously since a lot of issues have to be resolved!

Next chapter is gonna be an epilogue! I already have in mind what I want to write for it, but if anyone has any ideas or suggestions, I'm all ears!

You can check the tag #*bs if you wanna see the previous chapters.

Getting to Kame House never seemed like such a long trip until that very moment. It was a long way there, but whether you like it or not, you have a lot to think about.

Raditz has kissed you repeatedly for no reason. Or well, for reasons that might have been obvious, but you don’t want to conclude anything, especially when you don’t know what he’s planning to do once the Saiyans get here.

Bulma greets you as soon as you get to Kame House while you save your hover car inside a capsule.

“Hey!” You smile at her, and she quickly grabs your arm and tugs you the farthest away from the house. “What are you doing?”

“Listen, I didn’t wanna say anything because I was waiting for you to tell me,” Bulma whispers, just in case someone might listen. “But you never did. I saw the security cameras the day Raditz destroyed my lab.”

“Okay…?”

“Do you really don’t know what I’m talking about?”

You frown, confused. The day Raditz destroyed her lab, what else happened that day?

You remember instantly, and immediately Bulma notices the change in your expression.

“You kissed him! And didn’t tell me!” She practically yells, and you wince when she raises her voice. “Has he been with you all this time?”

“Not exactly.”

“Well? Aren’t you gonna tell me?”

“We weren’t… I thought it was better to keep it a secret. I didn’t think you’d see that…” Very stupid thinking, or lack of thinking on your part, you realize. Of course she was going to check the security cameras.

“So? I’m sure it wasn’t just that one time. No wonder you didn’t visit me as often.”

You smiled despite yourself. You weren’t ready for that kind of conversation, but what was the point of still keeping it a secret then? Of course you don’t want to tell everyone just yet. But Bulma already knew.

“We… spent some time together after that, but it was on and off.”

“‘Spent some time’? Did you sleep with him?”

“Yeah…”

“You don’t sound too happy about it…”

You run a hand down your face, squeezing your eyes shut for a moment before speaking again.

“Raditz stayed at my apartment for a few days, but… he left for God knows where, and came back every once in a while. Technically, we spent less than a month together, I guess.”

“Okay…” Bulma is smart, obviously, and you know she’s seeing right through you at the moment. “You don’t know what he’s gonna do today, do you?”

“No, we avoided the topic, most of the time. It was kind of what we agreed on.”

“How do you feel, then?”

“I honestly have no idea. I didn’t think I would feel like this… Raditz is either going to leave this planet… or he’s going to die, and both options break my heart.” Your voice wavers at the end, and you lower your gaze, trying to hold in your tears.

“I’m sorry, I thought…” Bulma runs a hand up and down your back.

“I know…”

“We don’t know what’s gonna happen, so calm down, ok? Goku is gonna get here soon.” Bulma reassures you, patting your head.

You nod, at a loss of words.

Verbalizing what you were afraid of doesn’t make you feel better at all, and now you're more on the verge of tears than before. You know that Raditz likes being with you, even when he hasn’t said it, but you doubt that would change anything. His over 30 years of existence can’t be compared to whatever relationship he’s been having with you for less than a year.

It’s ironic how certain you feel about that conclusion when you know those days you spent with Raditz had inevitably changed your life. You can feel it in your bones, no matter the outcome of this day, you’ll be spending the rest of your life getting over him.

Everything is a blur the whole time you’re at Kame House, and you wonder if it would be better or worse if you could actually see what the hell is happening. You even wonder if you could actually sleep this day off, and wake up when it’s all over.

Hours later, you drag your feet to hop on the aircraft to get where the battle has taken place as anxiety eats your insides, and you try to tone out everyone’s voice (and you really understand Chichi’s desperation to get there as quickly as possible, but she was being really loud and that just puts you more on edge). Getting off the aircraft is easier after Chichi practically throws herself out there to look for Gohan once they land. You follow suit, landing your eyes on Goku, completely beat up and bleeding, but conscious. A little relieved, you look at Krillin briefly, noticing that he’s in a slightly better shape, before glancing around, trying to find Raditz. If he’s there at all.

Krillin notices your trepidation, and calls your name, making you look at him.

“That other Saiyan, Raditz, he helped us…” He smiles at you, before pointing towards his side. “He’s over there, alive but barely…”

Before you even know it, you run towards the place Krillin pointed to, and immediately spot him.

“Raditz!”

He’s looking at you through hooded lids, perplexed, when you kneel beside him. Your heart beats inhumanely fast as you eye him up and down, horrified to see him completely covered in blood and bruises, but absolutely glad he’s alive.

“You told me you wouldn’t come here…” Raditz grumbles with a hoarse voice as you lean over him.

“I guess I lied.”

Blood is flowing from many different places all over his body that you can’t even see where the wounds are, he might as well be bleeding from every pore. Sliding one hand down his cheek and into his scalp, your vision gets blurry when you feel hot thick liquid running through your fingers.

How many nights did you spend with your hands up in his hair? Seeing them now soaked in his blood as you thread them through his hair only fills you with panic.

“Why are you crying?” Raditz asks, looking at you curiously. You didn’t even notice that you were until he said it, feeling your face completely drenched.

“Why am I crying?” You hiccup, smiling sourly at the ironic question. “Have you seen yourself?”

“I’ve gotten out of worse situations…” He smirks, coughing up blood before going on. “This is nothing.”

“Have you?”

You try to comfort him with your touch, keeping your hands in his hair and softly caressing his scalp, no matter that you’re getting covered in his blood in the process. Your eyes scan over his body once more, though you’re not sure why, before landing your gaze back on his. You stare at him with so many emotions bubbling up in your chest at once, and you know he must be seeing them all, even through all your tears.

“You’ve been keeping secrets from me.” Raditz utters, his gaze fixed on yours. You snort, amused that he can see right through you.

“And you? What did you do? Why did you…?”

You trail off when a shaky hand slides up your cheek, wiping away a few tears with his thumb.

It’s a simple gesture that fills your entire chest with a certain kind of warmness that you would have never expected, not in that moment. Especially because of Raditz.

Maybe you both have been too naive.

Leaning down with your hands cupping his face, you kiss him sweetly, trying to convey how relieved and happy you are that he’s alive. Raditz returns it, skimming his hand into your hair to keep you close.

“I’m getting blood all over you…” He murmurs against your lips.

“I don’t care.”

“I’ll stain you…” His hand in your hair drops.

“Then you’ll stain me.”

You kiss him briefly again before pulling away, just as you hear Bulma crying some feet away. You turn in her direction, confused.

Why is she crying? You know some of the guys have passed, but you can still use the Dragon Balls. If Yamcha has died, they can still bring him back.

But only if Piccolo is still alive…

“Did all our friends… Did they die?” You ask Raditz quietly, when you realize what the situation might be.

He only looks at you and nods meekly, and you couldn’t help your tears as they flow out of your eyes once more.

“I’m sorry.” Raditz mutters softly, to your surprise.

“You’re sorry?” You ask, flabbergasted. He snorts with a smirk, entertained by your reaction. You sigh, showing him a small smile. “You’re gonna be okay.”

Raditz stares at you with soft eyes for a few seconds before he closes them, and you panic once he passes out.

There’s too much light in the room when Raditz wakes up, to the point where he thinks that place must be heaven, because everything in the room is just white and light blue, and the bed he’s on is soft and warm.

That is until he feels a sharp pain all over his body.

Groaning, Raditz tries to move all his limbs and fingers, but only ends up making the pain much worse. He notices his entire body is bandaged, and his right arm is wrapped in a cast. The room he’s in reminds him a lot more of the room he used to stay when he got injured after his fight with Goku and Piccolo, but he knows it’s not the same place.

He attempts several times to actually get up to find out where the hell is that place until you walk into the room.

“You’re finally awake!” You smile, before scowling at him. “Are you trying to get up?”

Raditz tries to ignore the way his heart beats enthusiastically in his chest when he sees you. It’s going to take a while to get used to that, for better or for worse.

“I want to know where the fuck I am.” He retorts with no real contempt.

“Again with that attitude.” You sigh, rolling your eyes. “If I recall, last time I had to trick you into saying ‘please’.”

“You’re a manipulative woman.” Raditz smirks when you walk over, sitting on his bed.

“Excuse me?”

Your arched eyebrow and your eyes wide open amuse him to no end, making you roll your eyes when he chuckles.

“Are you going to tell me where I am?”

“In a hospital, dufus, I’m not trying to trick you this time.”

“A hospital?” Raditz asks, confused.

“It’s where sick people get treated.”

“I know what a hospital is. Why didn’t you bring me here the first time?”

“You were a menace to society then.”

“And you think I’m not anymore?” It’s his turn to quirk an eyebrow.

You show him a knowing smile, before looking down at him.

Raditz knows he’s not as dangerous as you thought he was back then. Though you were never even afraid of him to begin with. He’s fine with that.

“How are you feeling?”

“Like shit.” Raditz winces when he tries to move again. His body hurts from the beating he took from Vegeta, but he’s also somehow exhausted from laying down.

“I figured.” You smile, putting your hand on his shoulder. “Try not to move too much.”

“I can’t even if I want to, can I?”

“Well you blasted a hole in the wall last time you tried to leave while you were injured, remember?”

Raditz laughed quietly, before groaning in pain. Fuck, he’s in terrible shape.

“You have a few ribs broken.” You explain, looking out the window by the bed. “And you lost a lot of blood. The doctors were a bit shocked when they tried to do a transfusion and I told them you might not have a blood type like we do. They probably passed out when they found out I was telling the truth.”

He only understood what you were saying partially. Blood type? Humans don’t have the same kind of blood? He lets it go, not really caring enough to ask you about it.

“What happened to Kakarot?” Raditz asks, keeping his eyes on you when you turn to face him.

“He’s ok. He has as many broken bones as you do, but he’s been conscious for days now. He didn’t lose as much blood as you did, so he’s slightly better. It’s gonna take like four months for you to heal, so take it easy, okay?”

“Four months?!”

Raditz groans exasperatedly and throws his head against the pillow, grunting in pain when he feels a sharp pain up his spine. Fuck this place. He misses the technology in Frieza’s army.

“I told you not to move too much.” You try to contain your smile.

He glares at you. It’s not like he’s going to leave. He doesn’t even want to, but taking so long to heal is going to be a pain in the ass.

“Don’t worry, you probably won’t take so long to get better.” You grin reassuringly. “They’re not ready yet, but we have some magic beans here that will heal you in no time.”

“Magic beans?”

“Yeah, you get instantly better when you eat them.”

Raditz’ eyebrow twitches instantly.

“And why didn’t you get me one of those when I was on the verge of dying a year ago?”

“You were the enemy, I couldn’t! I didn’t know what you were gonna do!”

“What other things have you been keeping from me?” He looks at you with curiosity.

He doesn’t resent you for not telling him about things you thought were important; he does feel a little stupid for not realizing the amount of information you actually had, though it never would have occurred to him that something like ‘magic beans’ existed.

“Well, I don’t know… I wasn’t doing it on purpose.” When he raises one brow, you roll your eyes. “Okay, maybe I was hiding some things on purpose, but what about you, mister?”

“What about me?”

“You were obviously not telling me anything.”

“About what?”

“Anything, everything! Like, what did you even do when you weren’t at my place?”

“Is that what you’re worried about?” Raditz smiles, amused. That time you got upset when he mentioned he slept with another woman came to mind, and while he obviously hasn’t slept with anyone else since then, he felt the need to reassure you. “I didn’t fucked anyone else.”

“That’s not what I meant!” You blushed slightly, shaking your head.

He tries to move his arms, or at least one arm, to pull you down and kiss you, but he only ends up grunting, feeling a pungent pain through his muscles. Your blush fades quickly and you snicker at the sight, earning a playful glare from him.

“I told you not to move.” You quip.

“It was just that one time that I had sex with someone else.” Raditz says without provocation.

“We already talked about this, you don’t have to explain-”

“You brought it up.”

“I didn’t!”

“I didn’t even sleep with her.”

“What?” You frown, not following.

“We just had sex.”

“…What do you mean?” You frown deeper as you raise your voice. “Do not give me details, or I swear to God.”

“It’s exactly like I said.” Raditz huffs, trying not to smile at your reaction. “We just had sex.”

“In the middle of nowhere?”

“Yeah.”

“What happened afterwards?”

“Nothing. I finished and left her there.”

Raditz frowns when he sees the expression on your face transforming into what can only be anger, but he doesn’t know why you’re mad this time.

“You left her there? Just like that? Raditz!” You yell, making him jolt instantly, pain pulsing through his muscles.

“What was I supposed to do?” He asks, confused.

“Not throw her away like a used ragdoll! This angers me more than you sleeping with her to begin with!”

“Wh-What?!” His body is in pain from tensing up after your outburst, but Raditz is just perplexed. What should he have done then?

“You’re not supposed to treat women like that!”

“What are you talking about?” Raditz asks loudly. “I’m not going to fuck anyone else, so why are you even telling me this?!”

Your expression softens considerably, and it takes him a few seconds to realize that reassuring you of the fact that he only is interested in you is what you need. When your cheeks flush faintly, he smirks triumphantly.

“Okay…” You smile softly, and Raditz isn’t prepared for the warmth he feels in his chest. At least he’s in the hospital if it ends up being a disease or something. “Was that something you were hiding too?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you said to let you know when our arrangement would be over… But now, it sounds like you don’t want it to end.”

“I wasn’t thinking that far ahead.”

“Oh…”

“No.” Raditz says as soon as he notices the sad gleam in your eyes. “I wasn’t thinking because… I was enjoying our time together. And I was sure I could stop seeing you at any moment. I was being an idiot.”

“Maybe we both were.” Your smile is on your face again, though he still sees a little sorrow in it. “I thought we could keep it simple, you know? We really should have talked in depth about this.”

“Because the last time we talked about ‘our feelings’ it ended so well.” He jests, rolling his eyes.

“Come on!” You nudge his side with your hand gently, making him grin. “All the more reason to talk, don’t you think? We have been keeping a lot of things from each other.”

“You more than anyone.” Raditz remarks with playful annoyance.

“Honestly, baby, who’s counting?” You return his playful smile, and he knows whatever might have happened between the two of you isn’t a threat to the relationship you had. Whatever that relationship is.

He’s been wanting to kiss you since you walked into the room, but he doesn’t have the ability to move any limbs at the moment and it never frustrated him so much to be immobilized. With a brief second of looking into each other’s eyes, you seemingly read his mind, though, and shifted on the bed to lean down and kiss him.

Does that warm feeling in his chest whenever he sees you come with telepathic powers?

You sweetly press your lips to his, softly moving them, and Raditz feels like it’s been ages since he had a taste of you. He wants more, so much more than just a simple peck on the lips, but there’s nothing he can do once you pull away, cupping his face in your hands and leaning your forehead over his.

“Raditz…”

He notices the shift in your tone as you speak.

Raditz still doesn’t fully grasp how many emotions humans even have (apparently Saiyans are capable of them, but he’s been exposed to anger, hatred and violence all his life that he doesn’t recognize them when he feels differently). You seem sad, maybe it was because your friends have died.

He recalled the moment when he was laying on the dirt after Vegeta took off, and you were looking down at him, eyes filled with tears. He didn’t know how, but he perfectly recognized the gleam in them then.

Affection. It was even dripping from your tears as you cried, like you couldn’t contain them. You are wearing a similar gleam just now, as you look at him carefully.

“I don’t know what I would have done…” You whisper, so quiet for only Raditz to hear. “If you had…”

You trail off, leaving the words hanging in the air. The emotion in your voice, he understands that too; fear, embarrassment and nervousness.

“Hopefully use those Dragon Balls.” Raditz replies wittily, making you snort.

“If Piccolo died, then…” Your voice is still somber, even with the soft look you’re giving him. “We can’t use the Dragon Balls…”

“Those things have too many rules to function.” He frowns, perplexed. “Was that another thing you forgot to mention about them?”

“Well actually, I did forget. I wasn’t thinking about that detail.”

“So you can’t bring back any of your friends.”

“No, but we have a plan.” You smile widely, pulling away from him as you sit back.

“A plan?”

Raditz listens to you carefully as you explain that Bulma, Krillin and Gohan are set to go to Namek in just a couple of days, to find the Dragon Balls that supposedly exist on that planet. He sweats slightly while you speak; the planet Namek is a peaceful place, without any significant threat. But he knows that Frieza sometimes liked to listen in on the conversation his soldiers have through the scooters. There’s a chance he might know about the Dragon Balls and Namek if he heard Vegeta talking about it.

“You’re not going to go, are you?” He asks first and foremost. He’s in no condition to go himself, but if you decide to go then he would have no other choice.

“Of course not, I wouldn’t be of any help.” You snort, amused.

Raditz lets out a sigh he didn’t know was holding in.

“Namek is not a dangerous planet, its inhabitants are peaceful and weak. There shouldn’t be any problem…”

“But?” You ask, noticing the uncomfortable look on his face.

“Saiyans are not the strongest race. I was lying about that.” Raditz states, looking into your eyes. “Tell your friends to be careful. Vegeta might show up looking for those things too.”

“I’ll tell them to be alert.” You nod, completely serious. He’s satisfied with your answer so he doesn’t talk about the matter anymore.

He has nothing to worry about if you’re not going on that trip, and he can’t wait to heal so he can actually grab you and press you closer. Apparently whatever emotion is coursing through his veins made him completely attached to you. It’s a literal pain not being able to pull you down for a kiss.

Your eyes are on him with a warm look on them, and the more you stare, the more he feels like something is bubbling up inside him.

“Sit on my face.” Raditz says out of the blue. He watches with amusement as your face goes from surprise to confusion to embarrassment in less than a second.

“What?”

“Sit on my face.” He repeats, smirk growing wider when he notices the faint blush on your cheeks. “I can’t do much in this situation, but I know damn well what I’m good at.”

Raditz licks his lips in anticipation, looking at you with a lecherous glimmer that only makes you blush harder. It’s still fun to tease you that way, but he’s truly desperate to taste you again after so long. After all, he was in a coma for days.

“I’m not doing that.” You glare playfully, crushing his dreams. “This is a hospital, and I don’t know if you noticed but you’re bedridden until further notice.”

“I can still move my tongue and that should be enough.”

When you laugh, it’s like music to his ears, and even then he couldn’t help but grin.

“Not this time, handsome. I’ll sit on your face all you want some other time.”

Raditz grunts, annoyed, but he’s rewarded with a kiss on his lips.

It’s the kiss he’s been wanting since you walked in there, or maybe even long before that. Sliding your tongues together, gliding your lips slowly and sensually, and he hates that he can’t even cup your face or wrap his arms around you. You sneak one hand into his hair, caressing his scalp, and a low purr rumbles from his chest.

He’s really fucked.

You break the kiss sooner than Raditz expects when the door suddenly opens.

“Who are you?” Raditz asks with contempt when a man dressed in white walks in.

“I’m your doctor.” The man answers with a stern tone, glaring at the both of you. “And this isn’t a hotel.”

“Sorry, doc, I was just happy he was awake.” You reply naturally.

“You’re his wife, right?”

“She’s my mate.” Raditz replies before you can even open your mouth.

He hasn’t thought it through when those words escaped his lips, but you’re looking at him with a wide smile so he doesn’t regret it at all.

The doctor looks at the both of you with confusion so you speak, still smiling and looking at Raditz with affection in your eyes.

“I’m his girlfriend.”

You recall everything that happened in the past year as you walk to the room Goku was staying at.

Raditz’s heel-face turn was surprising; you didn’t expect him to be influenced by anything, especially you. If anything, you were ready for the most gruesome outcome after Goku arrived. No one told you exactly what happened during the battle, but you don’t really need to know more; Krillin had said that Raditz helped and that was more than enough for you.

As you approach the room, you see Chichi coming out alone.

Maybe it was time to apologize to her. Bulma wasn’t wrong months ago when she said you also didn’t try to reach out after Goku died and Gohan was taken, and while you weren’t the only one responsible, you were still involved.

“Chichi.” You call for her and the moment she looks at you, her expression hardens. “Chichi, I’m sorry.”

“For what, exactly?” She only gives you a moment to open your mouth but doesn’t let you speak. “For not telling me that my husband had died? For saving the monster that killed him? For letting my son be kidnapped?”

“Um, all that, but if you would hear me out-”

“I don’t need to, I already know everything. And this is not the place to talk about this.” Chichi coldly cut you off before you could add anything else, walking right past you. “Goodnight.”

Your shoulders droop as you watch her leave, sighing loudly. Maybe eventually, she’ll listen.

Knocking on Goku’s door before stepping in, you smile at the sight of him, still amused that he looks like a mummy, trapped in a sarcophagus. He returns the smile, calling your name as you take the seat next to him.

“You still look so funny.” You comment, giggling like a little girl.

“It’s not as fun as it looks like.” Goku replies, pouting. He seems like a child at that moment as well, and it warms your heart.

It would be the first time you actually talk to him, one on one, since he died. And even before that, it was years ago. You haven’t realized how much you missed him until now.

“I’m still happy you’re okay.” You smile gently. Goku blinks before returning the gesture.

“I heard you’re the reason Raditz helped us during the fight.”

“You heard?”

“Okay, I kinda saw it.” Goku admits with a knowing grin.

“That sounds even weirder.” You laugh, but he only shrugs, as if it was the most obvious thing.

“When Vegeta threatened to destroy this planet, the look on Raditz’s face kinda spoke for itself.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m no mind reader, but he looked scared. And he jumped back on the battle and took our side and helped us in the blink of an eye.” He waits for your reaction, but your blank expression prompts him to go on. “I figured you might have something to do with his change of heart?”

“Why do you think that?”

“I saw you kissing. I wasn’t unconscious, you know?”

“Oh…” You blush slightly, but the smile on your face only gets wider, just like Goku’s grin does.

“So, you two are together, huh?”

“We are. Sometimes this still feels surreal.”

“What do you mean?” Goku asks, confused.

“That Raditz chose to stay. I thought he might end up leaving this planet, or that he’d die. I’m so happy that wasn’t the case.”

Goku looks at you with soft eyes. He might not be the brightest of the bunch, or at least that’s what everyone thinks about him, but he understands people’s feelings more than anyone else, and at that moment, he’s looking at you like he knows all the fear and trepidation you had been going through the past twelve months.

“But he stayed.” He says, reassuringly.

“Yeah, and I’m so grateful.”

“Do you love him?” Goku asks, to your own surprise. That softness is still in his eyes, and you can’t help the warmth that spreads through your chest when you answer his question.

“I do. I love Raditz. I know he’s done things, terrible things, and we had our arguments about it, you know? But I’ve seen so many sides of him to know there’s more to him than just violence. I don’t expect him to change, but I’ve made peace with his history. It made him who he is, and I love him. I love him on purpose.”

Your face is hot, not because you’re embarrassed, but you assume the way your heart is currently beating has something to do with it. Confessing out loud that, in spite of deep fears, you were unequivocally in love with Raditz made your blood run faster. Goku is grinning, completely pleased with your answer, and amused that you’re blushing.

“I guess he’s staying on Earth, then.”

“I suppose so.”

“Chichi aint gonna be happy about it.” Goku chuckles, but you only smile for a second.

“About that, I’m sorry I didn’t talk to her…” You say, this time truly ashamed.

“Whaddaya mean?”

“About what happened when you died…”

You are not sure how much Goku knows about the situation, but you know you have to apologize for almost all of it. Not talking to Chichi in time, letting his son be kidnapped (even when there wasn’t much any of you could do). You had been too wrapped in your own bubble to think about it but in retrospect, you feel terrible.

“Chichi only found out about your death and Gohan’s kidnapping over 24 hours after it happened. I’m sorry.”

Goku blinks, and you wonder if he even knows what you’re talking about. His subsequent smile is your answer.

“You’re the first one who apologized about it.”

“Really?” You ask, taken aback.

“Krillin kinda did but not really. He only said sorry because he was scared of Chichi.”

You facepalm, in disbelief his best friend would be so vague and kind of a dick when talking about Goku’s wife.

“I assume Bulma did not even mention it?” You ask, ready to be annoyed.

“She didn’t, she sounded more mad about Chichi than anything else? I didn’t get it.”

You roll your eyes. Bulma is resentful for a woman who has everything and anything she wants at the reach of her hand.

“She was mad that I didn't invite her to the wedding.” Goku adds.

“I know.” You sigh, exasperated.

“Why? Back then, I didn’t think it was a big deal.”

“You think it is now?”

“Well…” Goku fixed his eyes on the ceiling, thinking for a second before answering. “I didn’t really know what the big deal about marriage was. I never even went to a wedding! When Chichi asked me if I wanted to invite you guys, I said no because we only saw each other for training and adventures and stuff.”

That reasoning sounds so much like him that you didn’t have it in you to be even a little mad. Of course, you were never too upset about it as Bulma was.

“Bulma is still a little childish.” You comment, but Goku only shrugs.

“I didn’t think she’d be mad about it. I guess I could have invited you all for the wedding, since it was a big deal after all. I wouldn’t have gotten to know Chichi, and Gohan wouldn’t even exist.”

So Goku loves Chichi.

It should have been obvious. The way he talked about her, as Goku-like as that was, and the way you noticed how he looked at her. They only married because of a promise they made as kids, you wouldn’t have expected them to actually get to know each other and fall in love. You should’ve known.

“Goku, I can’t say I wasn’t childish back then,” You start, and he turns to look at you with quizzical eyes. “But it’s been a while, and honestly it’s cute you found someone you decided to spend the rest of your life with, even if it was just a promise. I know you love her after all these years.”

“I do.” Goku grins. “She’s great! She’s patient with me about a lot of things I don’t get, and she’s real sweet. She’s cute when she gets mad, too.”

You chuckle. Is it a Saiyan thing to like women with a little attitude?

“Hopefully she’ll warm up to me. We’re family after all, now.”

“We are?” Goku questions, brows furrowed.

“Well yeah. I’m dating your brother, we’re in laws now.”

“Huh.” He thinks about it for a second before smiling. “That sounds fun. Maybe Raditz won’t be so bad, either.”

“Give him a chance. You did say he helped save the Earth and all.”

“It’d be cool to spar with him! I know I can beat him!”

You smile, excited to see how this new period of your life will be like.

#dbz fics #dbz imagine #dbz fanfiction #raditz x reader #raditz x you #dbz #raditz #my writing #*bs

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fairfellowfriend · 9 months ago

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I guess I don’t get it, the whole need to defend animals in captivity. A part of being a student of ecological science is the acceptance of death and the inevitability of it.

Animals die every day, and this is a good thing. It is good for the soil they rot into, for the beings that graze from their corpses, for the beings that sprout from the soil, for the beings who have one less competitor. Not only do we know all of this to be fundamentally true, but our planet has functioned this way (or similarly) since the dawn of complex life.

Yet, a large portion of pro-government (even though they often claim the opposite), pro-control, pro-animal agriculture types will fight tooth and nail in defense of animal captivity.

Listen, I love my cat. She’s domesticated, so it’s indeed different than animals kept in zoos, but she still lives in captivity. While yes, she is safer here, and has already outlived the life expectancy of an outdoor cat, trying to argue that without the enrichment I provide her that her life is better indoors is so nonsensical.

No. If it were not for my education, care, and level of dedication to her mental wellbeing, my cat would live a much more enjoyable, albeit dangerous, life. As have most non-domesticated animals every day for hundreds of millions of years.

If you think that human exceptionalism is an undeniable fact of life, and that you are a benevolent force saving animals from lives of wild freedom in exchange for a longer lifespan, you are at best a well meaning, delusional ignorant, and at worst a danger to the ecological balance that our planet is quickly losing control of. Yes, you are part of the problem. No, I don’t feel bad for saying so.

Animals living longer in captivity is not an excuse for captivity. While yes, there are organizations that keep animals in captivity AND make sure they are mentally stimulated in the same ways they’d be in the wild (though I’d argue this still doesn’t justify captivity), most do not. When you defend zoos with such a tired argument as, “they live longer,” I just want to remind you that we have undeniable proof that captivity is not healthy for animals. Multiple research journals, peer reviewed and valued by scientists, have come to the same conclusion: captivity is not good for animals.

#ecology #veganism #anticiv #anprim #green anarchy

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summerwritesfics · 3 months ago

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🗺️Got The Cosmos At Our Feet, Oh But You Are All I Need

Pairing: Hanzo Hasashi/Kuai Liang Length: 1338 Words Rating: Mature Warnings: Sci-Fi AU, Space AU, Outer Space, Past Torture, Trauma, Recovery, On The Run, Found Family, Flashbacks, Feelings Realisation, Implied/Referenced Torture (There’s like a very quick non-descriptive line in a flashback) AU-Gust 2024 Day 18: Space Travel

AU-Gust 2024 Masterlist

Notes: Imma be real, I think I’m channeling some of my own feelings into this one. I mean, it’s heavily dramatised and the situation is not the same at all but I have definitely felt the things Kuai is feeling in this one when it comes to recovery. Title is from Astrogirl by Tsukumo Sana (my deepest condolences to any Sanallites who happened upon this fic 😭)

Kuai Liang sat, staring out of the window. Stars and nebulas went past them, and he watched them in awe. When he was a child, he dreamt of exploring the universe. He used to sit on the roof of the farmhouse and observe the stars. Never believing he’d make it off that little planet, no one had ever left, as Bi-Han loved to remind him at the time.

But Kuai Liang was smart, and smart people tended to get noticed by The Outworld Academy. When he’d received the call, he’d been so excited. He would finally get out into the wider universe, explore and see the stars.

Things didn’t exactly work out how he’d hoped though, did they?

He shook his head, not wanting to think about that. Those were the worst years of his life, he wished he could erase all the things that happened to him from his mind. He couldn’t, but he could distract himself.

He was here now. On this spaceship. Exploring the stars.

He’d finally made it.

“Hello,” a voice called out behind him. He turned just in time to watch Hanzo sit down next to him.

Hanzo was a strange man, and Kuai didn’t know what exactly to think of him. Most of the time he seemed stern and angry. Yet when he looked at Kuai Liang, it was like all that melted away, and he became soft and gentle. It made Kuai’s heart race somehow. There was a small bitter part of him that told him Hanzo looked at him like that out of pity. The other told him he was clearly different to Hanzo somehow, and that made him special.

He both loved and hated that Hanzo looked at him so kindly.

“Here, I snuck this out of the kitchen,” Hanzo continued, passing over a chocolate filled pastry. Kuai’s eyes widened in excitement as he took it. He loved chocolate. “Just don’t tell Bi-Han I gave it to you. Last time I’m amazed he didn’t hit me.”

Kuai giggled as he said “It’s okay, I will destroy the evidence.” He took a rather large bite of the pastry, savouring how good it tasted. When Hanzo laughed, he knew his joke had been a success. “I am sorry about Bi-Han though. He’s always been protective of me, but it’s gotten worse since…”

Since he found out just what was happening at that academy.

“I do understand,” Hanzo sighed, placing his hands on his lap and looking out the window too. “I have a younger sister. If I were in Bi-Han’s position, and she were in yours…” Hanzo shook his head and bared his teeth slightly. “That whole place would’ve been burnt to the ground.”

It made him anxious, that everyone on the ship knew what he had been through. Well, sort of knew. They’d already suspected that the academy treated their students badly, but seeing the state Kuai Liang was in upon being smuggled aboard the ship confirmed it for them. Again, sort of. It did after a bit of convincing it wasn’t Bi-Han who’d hurt him. Kuai could understand their confusion though, he supposed. Finding Kuai Liang huddled in a box, looking like he was about to die, probably did not give them the best first impression of Bi-Han.

Everything calmed down a bit, once Kuai had explained himself, as humiliating as it was. They didn’t know the full truth. They didn’t know just how bad things got, but they could put some of it together from the scars.

“Sorry. I’m sure that’s the last thing you want to think about,” Hanzo muttered, regret in his eyes as he turned to look at Kuai Liang.

“Yes, but I think about it all the time anyway, even though I don’t want to, so don’t feel too bad.” As much as he wished he could just move on, it was hard to do so. Those scars were not just physical but mental as well. Waking him from his sleep in screaming fits so loud he frequently woke everyone on board. They always seemed sympathetic, but it didn’t stop him from feeling awful about it.

But even when he was awake, he often found he could hear Dr. Shang’s voice still ringing in his ears.

“Come now, Kuai Liang. You can work this out, can’t you?”

“I- I don’t know.”

“Yes you do. I know you do, darling. Just think.”

“I- I don’t- 52?”

A deep sigh. “Wrong, darling. You know what that means.”

“Wait- No- Please, I’ll try again- I- Uh- 56?”

“No. Kuai Liang.” A button pressed.

Kuai Liang’s screams echoed through the room.

“Kuai Liang?” Hanzo placed a hand on Kuai’s shoulder, bringing him back into the room. “Are you okay?”

“Yes. Sorry. My mind just wanders sometimes.” He turned back to look through the window. There was a planet they were just passing by, it’s moons orbiting around them. He smiled, this was all he’d ever wanted really. “You know, back when I was a kid, I used to dream of seeing the stars like this.” He lent backwards, breathing out. “I really thought the academy would be the way to accomplish that.” He chuckled slightly, although there was no humour in it. “I guess, in a fucked up way, it was.”

”How so?” Hanzo questioned, raising an eyebrow.

”If they hadn’t chosen me, I would probably still be on my home planet. As would Bi-Han, because he’d have never left if he didn’t have a reason.” It was heartbreaking and bittersweet to realise something so terrible had led him to happiness. This life was definitely not perfect, they were basically on the run from Outworld’s armies and he doubted they could ever live in one place again. Yet, this path had led them to amazing people.

Raiden, the ship's captain who’d vowed to protect them for as long as he lived. Liu Kang, who’d been the first to listen to Kuai’s defence of Bi-han and truly understand the situation at hand. Kung Lao, who had helped to heal Kuai’s physical wounds. Fujin, who much like his elder brother, put himself in the line of danger to protect them when the guard almost caught up with them. Johnny, who had taken one look at Kuai Liang and took him under his wing, becoming something of a second brother to Kuai Liang. Sonya, Jax, Nightwolf, Kabal, Stryker, Bo’Rai’Cho. All of them had played a part in welcoming the brothers aboard and saving them.

And then there was Hanzo. Stern and angry Hanzo. Gentle and soft Hanzo. A man who had gone out of his way to show Kuai Liang the utmost of kindness. A man who sat with him and watched the stars go by. A man who snuck chocolate pastries from the kitchens simply because he knew Kuai Liang liked them.

A man who Kuai Liang suddenly realised he was falling in love with.

He told himself it was just a crush, that Hanzo’s kindness towards him was clouding his emotions. He’d have probably fallen for anyone who was kind enough towards him, after what he’d been through.

But then again, there was an entire spaceship of people who had been similarly kind towards him, and his feelings for them were nothing like what he was feeling for Hanzo.

“As much as I wish the academy was not part of my story, I am glad that my path somehow led me here.” He felt tears gather in his eyes. “To this ship. To the crew.” Despite himself, he lent to one side, resting his head on Hanzo’s shoulder. “To you.”

He heard Hanzo’s breath hitch, and then he reached his arm around, resting it over Kuai’s shoulder and holding him close.

“I am glad you are here too.”

Kuai smiled, misty eyed, gazing at the stars. Yes, despite everything, right here, right now? This place was home, these people were his family, and there was nowhere else that he would ever want to be.

The stars are so beautiful.

#mortal kombat #subscorp #sub zero #kuai liang #scorpion #hanzo hasashi #🗺️au gust 2024

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starryevermore · 2 years ago

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ghost of you ✧ crosshair

angst city™ library | send in a request (consult request faqs first)

request: Literally…anything angsty. Like gut wrenching, crush my soul, tug and twist at the heart…with anyone. Just need to feel something. AND THAT THING IS ANGST - anon

pairing: crosshair x fem!jedi!force ghost!reader

summary: when the order is given, your lover kills you. but even as he loses his way, you can’t seem to let him go.

word count: 3,965

warnings?: hurt/no comfort, angst city™ bitch, main character death, not proofread

You knew this was to be your end. You had known for a long time. A Jedi’s vision is often misleading, doesn’t offer the full picture. But, when you saw the man you love aim a blaster at your heart, mutter that “good soldiers follow orders”, before the world faded around you…Well, there was little denying what you saw. Perhaps you wouldn’t die, you supposed. Perhaps you would live and have to grapple with your lover betraying you. But, in your heart, you knew that you would meet your end at the hands of a man you trusted with your life. A bitter end, to be sure, but all’s fair in love and war, as they say.

So when the day came that the clones on Kaller turned their weapons on you, Master Depa Billaba, and Padawan Caleb Dume, you knew that you would not leave the planet alive. What surprised you, though, was how Clone Force 99, the squad that you led, did not react as the other clones. No, they were okay?…They were helping Caleb escape, they were helping you stop the other clones from killing the young Padawan. All except for your beloved Crosshair, a sniper with a heart of ice that only thawed for you. His weapon turned on you. He only saw you as a target to hit. Any love he had for you, it was set aside in favor of completing his mission.

But you had your own. If you had to die that day, you could not let the Padawan to die, too. No, he was too important. If order was to be restored to the galaxy, he had to survive. Now was not his time to go. You and Hunter led the Padawan through the forest, trying to find him safe passage away from the fight. A blaster struck you in the side. You fell.

“GO!” you shouted as Caleb turned, hand outstretched to help you. “Leave me!”

Hunter hesitated. He took a step towards you. “We don’t leave our own behind—”

A gentle lie was better than the harsh truth, so you said, “I’ll be fine. Just get him out of here. That’s an order!”

Finally, they ran. You hissed as you reached down, your hand becoming sticky with blood as it touched your wound. That wasn’t the blast that could kill you, but kriff, it hurt.

A shadow loomed over you. You didn’t want to look, didn’t want to meet the eyes of your killer, but you knew it wouldn’t change the reality of the situation. You wanted to see him, at least one more time before you were gone. You lifted your gaze, seeing a near-pained expression on Crosshair’s face.

“Cross,” you said, your voice barely above a whisper, “you don’t have to do this.”

“You are a traitor,” he spat. He aimed his blaster. His finger fell to the trigger, yet he did not pull it.

“You know that’s not true. This, this isn’t you.” You felt sick to your stomach. You knew this was always going to happen. But…You had to let him know. This wasn’t his fault. “Please, Cross—”

He raised his blaster higher. His usually steady hands trembled, ever so slightly. “Good soldiers follow orders. My order is to kill traitors.”

Any attempt to convince him not to shoot was futile. This was your fate. It had been, for a long time. “I forgive you, Cross. I love you, okay? Even after this, I will still love you.”

“Not just a traitor to the Republic,” Crosshair hissed. “A traitor to your own code. Why should someone whose treachery runs to her core be spared?”

“Then don’t spare me,” you said. Your voice shook despite your best efforts. “I understand.”

Crosshair’s nimble fingers—the same ones he’d use to massage your scalp, to caress you when he thought you were sleeping, to hold yours when no one else was looking—pulled the trigger. Your breath caught in your throat, then released in a bloody scream. Just before your eyes squeezed shut, you watched Crosshair flinch.

He ran away, and three others ran toward you. You heard your name—Wrecker was shouting. There was a thud as he fell to his knees beside you. He touched the blaster wound. “Tech!” he wailed. “She needs help!”

“Don’t,” you managed to say. “Too late.”

“Don’t say that!”

You opened your eyes to see Echo place a hand on Wrecker’s shoulder. “You don’t recover from a wound like that,” Echo said.

“She’s a Jedi! She has magic healing powers! And, and with the bacta—”

“Forgive him,” you whispered. Wrecker’s mouth fell shut. “Forgive him. Don’t…Don’t let him lose himself. He needs you.”

“He needs you!”

Tech knelt on the other side of you. “According to my calculations, you don’t have much long left.” He reached out, stroked the space between your brows. “We should be the ones offering you comfort.”

Your breathing became labored. Kriff, it hurt to breathe. “I’ll be fine,” you lied. You knew Tech knew it was a lie. “Find Hunter and Crosshair. Stay safe, okay? I…I’ll see you soon.”

It was obvious how much Tech wanted to refute you. But, he allowed your lie to remain unchallenged. “Rest. You deserve it.”

And you did. Your eyes fell shut. You heard footsteps walk away. One set paused—you were sure it was Wrecker. Then— everything faded away.

“She’s gone,” Wrecker said. When Tech and Echo looked back, there was nothing left of you.

Becoming one with the Force was not what you expected, if you were being honest. Even when your former Master, Qui-Gon Jinn, had taught you the secret of retaining your individuality when you became one with the Force, you never expected it to be true. It seemed too…surreal.

“No, she’s there!” Echo said, pointing.

You knew they saw you. You knew your former Master was right. You swallowed, even though you didn’t really need to, and repeated, “Forgive him.”

You turned, and disappeared. They didn’t need you now.

“Why do you torment me?”

You reached out, caressed Crosshair’s face. Despite his words, he leaned into your touch. You missed this. You missed him, how he used to be, before the Empire took him, before Clone Force 99 left him. Now, only in his dreams, could you touch him, try to break through to him. You feared that, if you showed yourself in the land of the living, he would break further. You limited your interactions to his dreamland.

“I need you to know that I forgive you.” You leaned in, pressed your forehead to his. “That your brothers forgive you. Even if it doesn’t feel like it.”

He yanked away. He turned his back toward you. You stepped toward him, reached out, but paused. No. You didn’t want to overwhelm. You dropped your hand. His shoulders trembled as he near-snarled, “Why must you keep bringing them up?”

“They were at a crossroads, Cross. It wasn’t a decision they took lightly. They just—”

“Thought I would betray them like I did you?”

Every conversation came back to this point. And every time, Crosshair closed himself off. He would push harder and harder and harder until he awoke. You would leave him for a day or two, let him calm, and try again. The cycle would repeat. It felt never-ending. But you couldn’t give up on him.

“They still love you. They miss you. If they could safely come back for you, they would.”

Crosshair’s back straightened. “Because I’m such a danger to them.”

And it always came back to this. Crosshair thinking himself a danger to his brothers. Crosshair shutting down any refutation you offered. He was stuck in his head. You understood. Of course you understood why he was like this.

“You’re not the danger, my love.” You placed a hand on his shoulder. He flinched. You weren’t sure if it was at the contact, or if it was at your words. “The Empire, though…They’re not good. The second you are no longer useful to them, they will have no qualm discarding you.”

“Then the Empire is more similar to my brothers than you think.”

“Cross…”

He turned his head toward you, his dark eyes flashing. With anger, perhaps? Contempt? You couldn’t quite tell. Crosshair was always a difficult person to read. He kept his feelings so close to his chest, never let anyone see the turmoil that simmered below the surface. No one was allowed to see it. Not even you.

“Everyone leaves. Why does it matter if I go with my brothers or stay with the Empire? It will turn out the same in the end.”

“I never left you.”

For a flash of a second, so quick you should have missed it, Crosshair’s eyes softened. But then he squared his shoulders, his lip curled. “You’re not really here. This is only a manifestation of perceived guilt.”

“Perceived guilt?” you echoed. You tried to ignore the sinking feeling in your stomach. You knew he was only being cruel because he was hurt. He didn’t mean his words. And yet, the sting left you reeling. You pulled your hand away. Crosshair’s head bows.

“I did what had to be done.”

Part of you wanted to argue back, to say he did what he was made to do. That this fate had long been since written. That it was the result of a chip in his brain. But, he knew about the chip. He knew that he didn’t have control over his actions at the time. He knew, and he said it anyways. You took a step back.

“It’s almost time for you to wake up,” you said instead.

He looked at you. If you were looking at him, you would have seem the glassiness to his eyes, how his hand twitched, ready to be outstretched toward you. You turned.

“If you want me to leave you be, I will. I never wanted to torment you,” you said. Was it possible for a Force ghost to cry? It felt like you were close. Like if you stayed here for a moment longer, you would break.

“It would be for the best.”

You looked at him this time. If this was his wish, you would respect it. You would never bother him again. But if you were to leave him be, you wanted to see him one last time. You looked him over. Took in his gray hair, cropped close to his scalp. His tanned skin, the crosshair tattoo over his eye. His dark eyes, how they wouldn’t meet your gaze.

“If you change your mind…”

“I won’t.” He didn’t sound convinced. But you didn’t push. You’ve reached his limit. If you went any further, he would fall. You didn’t want to hurt him.

The dream world faded around you. You watched as Crosshair laid in his bunk, his eyes opening. He let out a deep sigh, a hand coming up to rub his face. You balled your hands into a fist in an effort to resist the urge to reach out to him. It wouldn’t do you any good. Unlike the dream world, you couldn’t touch him here.

Crosshair sat up. As he moved, you saw the holopic resting beside him. It was of him and you and the rest of Clone Force 99 sans Echo, back when things were simpler. It had been your first mission with the squad. It had gone horrible, in the way that all of their missions went horrible. Which, of course, was to say that everything went to shit, but still managed to be successful. You had insisted on the picture being taken, said something about it being a good memory to have. Crosshair made fun of you at the time, but when the picture was taken, he still stood beside you, a hand resting on your back. He didn’t smile—he never really smiled—but it was the happiest you had seen him.

Seeing it, it made you want to shatter your resolve. Crosshair didn’t really want you to go. But, he needed the space. You weren’t helping him by constantly hovering. So, as his head turned to where you stood, you disappeared.

You didn’t seem him again for a long while.

“Do you think Crosshair will come back?” Omega asked.

You watched as her legs swung on the Marauder’s platform, how she leaned back, resting on her palms, looking out at the sky as if she expected him to drop out of the air at any moment. Since you left Crosshair be, you returned to Clone Force 99. After scaring Wrecker so bad that he screamed loud enough to wake everyone, you explained how you were there. You tried to offer why you were there, but no explanation felt right. They didn’t ask for one, though. They let you stay, no questions asked.

For the most part, you stayed with Omega. She was still learning to defend herself, so you took the opportunity to step in whenever she needed help. Those moments were becoming fewer and farther between as she grew into herself. You found yourself teaching her other things, things about the galaxy and the Force and how just to ask questions so that she could get her way when Hunter was being particularly stubborn. It had been many years since you had had a Padawan, but it almost felt like had taken on Omega as one. It felt like she was your child.

“He…has a lot of inner turmoil,” you said finally. The topic of Crosshair was one rarely breached. It made her brothers uncomfortable, so she learned to not ask often. But when you were with her, watching over her while her brothers were on a mission deemed too dangerous for her, she sometimes ventured into the territory. “Your guess is as good as mine. When I saw him last, he still had so much of that anger and that guilt, that feeling of abandonment.”

“Do you think he’s scared? Out there, working for the Empire, without his vode?”

“If you asked him, he would say he wasn’t scared of anything.”

“But I’m asking you.”

“…I think he doesn’t know what to do. I think he feels like he doesn’t have a place with his brothers anymore. And, while he has a place with the Empire, he knows it’s fleeting. He sees the two options before him and thinks they’re both awful, so he stays on the path he’s currently on.”

“It sounds lonely, living like that.”

“I’m sure it is.” You let out a sigh. You leaned back, lying down on the platform. Omega mimicked your movements. “He doesn’t think he has a place here anymore, though. And I think that keeps him from leaving the Empire, too. He might be lonely there, too, but he doesn’t feel like he has to wait for the other shoe to drop, you know?”

She looked to you. Her eyes had welled up with tears. “Is that my fault? Does he think he can’t come back because of me? I-I’m the reason they left him behind. If I hadn’t—”

“Shh, shh,” you hushed. You sat up and wrapped your arms around Omega. They passed through her, so you hovered around her, not quite touching her. “Listen, Crosshair would have been left behind whether you were there or not, okay? You changed things, sure. But at the end of the day, the chip in Crosshair’s brain…It, changed the way he thought, you know? That’s not something you could have changed by being there or not being there.”

“I just…I don’t want them to regret bringing me with them.” Omega sniffled, rubbing her eyes with the back of her hand. “I know that they’re on the run because of me. They, they could have settled down somewhere if they didn’t have me. They wouldn’t have to keep fighting. They could have normal lives.”

“Listen to me: They love you, Omega. They would do anything for you. Sometimes, they might get frustrated and it might feel like they regret taking you with them. But they only want the best for you. And things are so crazy right now, it’s hard to tell what’s good for you. And that scares them.”

Omega sniffled again. Your heart ached. You wished you could bundle her up in your arms and squeeze her tight. She didn’t deserve this kind of weight on her heart. She deserved to be a kid. She deserved to run around and play games and not worry about having to survive. She deserved to just live. “You think so?”

“I know so. I've known your brothers a long time. They love with their whole hearts. Once you have their love, you never lose it. And, trust me, they loved you the moment they saw you.”

Omega was silent. Then, she lifted her gaze to meet yours. “So, if Crosshair knew his brothers loved him…He might come back?”

You swallowed. You weren’t sure. Truthfully, you really weren’t. But…Well, gentle lies. “He might.”

Omega seemed satisfied with that answer. She laid back down on the platform, looking toward the sky. Fluffy, white clouds passed overhead. She pointed to one. “That cloud looks like Mantell Mix.”

You let out a laugh. It felt nice to laugh again. It felt so long since you’ve felt so…light. “Sounds like someone’s hungry.”

“Hush and play the game!”

“Alright, alright! Hmm, that one looks like a lothcat.”

“Do you think I could convince Hunter to let us get a lothcat as a pet?”

“You know, I think that’s one of those things where you ask for forgiveness instead of permission.”

“I like the way you think!”

You watched as Omega ran towards Crosshair. You reached out toward her in vain. They all needed to leave. They couldn’t stay on this platform forever. It was too risky to stay. The longer they remained, the worse things may end up. But, she still ran to him, thanked him for saving AZI, a droid that she had been fond of when living on Kamino. Crosshair told her to consider each other even. You expected her to leave then, but she surprised you.

“They still love you,” she said. “Y/N said they would always love you.”

Crosshair’s gaze hardened. He turned away, not giving her a reply. Omega hesitated, unsure of whether she should say more or if she should go. Finally, she turned and ran back to Hunter, who led her onto the ship. Moments later, Marauder rose to the sky, leaving Crosshair behind again. You stayed, moving a few paces behind your former lover.

“You shouldn’t tell her things like that,” Crosshair muttered. It was the first time he had acknowledged you being there. You had made yourself known when Hunter was captured, but Crosshair never looked at you. Never said a word about you. It made you doubt if you were ever really there at all.

“And you should have gone with them.”

He turned toward you, his eyes narrowed. “Why should I care about what you think? You left me, just like them.”

“You told me to go. I was respecting your wishes. I…Cross, you kept pushing. I knew that my being with you was only causing you pain. I worried that if you kept pushing, you would be the one to break.”

“Always so selfless, you Jedi,” he spat. But there was almost no malice behind his words. He looked away, stared out at the water. “I kept waiting. You were never one to just leave, to give up. So many times, you went running back into active combat to save civilians. You’ve made Tech turn the ship around to rescue prisoners. You made sure every woman and child was always spared.”

You knew what he was getting at. He couldn’t say the words, though they were right on the tip of his tongue. So, you said them for him.

“I should have stayed.”

He gave a curt nod. “You proved yourself to be like everyone else.”

“I'm sorry. Cross, I…I should have been there for you, I know that.” You reached out. He took a step away. You froze, your hand still in the air, before you let it fall to your side. “You deserve better than what the Empire will give you. I understand if going back to your brothers isn’t what you want. But you can’t stay with the Empire. Look how quickly they got rid of the Kaminoans. Look at how they’re already trying to get rid of the clones. How long will it be until you’re considered expendable?”

“Unlike someone people, I understand the value of loyalty.”

You held your tongue. You were half-sure he wanted to get a rise out of you. He loved doing that, when you were alive. He would poke and prod, proud that he knew just what buttons to push. You knew his game, but you refused to play it now.

“You once said that you would always be there for me. But that wasn’t true, was it? You left. You acted just like all the others. Tell me, why should I care about a single thing you say to me now?”

You remembered telling him that. It was in the early days, when the two of you were just beginning your relationship. You had nearly died on the battlefield. A droid got too close, moved too quick. Crosshair took the droid about before any significant damage happened, but by the time you got back to the ship, you could your spirit leaving you. Crosshair held you as Tech treated your wounds, muttering that you weren’t allowed to go. Not yet, not when he wanted you by his side. You told him you would stay with him for all of eternity, if he would let you.

“I love you, Cross. You know I do. You can be mad at me, be disappointed in me, hate me for all I care. But that doesn’t change how I feel about you.” You took a step closer, then another. He didn’t move away. “I knew you were going to kill me, long before we ever arrived on Kaller. I knew that I would meet my end at the hands of the man I love. I could have left. I could have asked to be assigned a different squad. But I loved you too much to go. And I love you now, all the same.”

“No one asked you to stay.”

“So don’t you dare put this on me.”

“I’m not. I’m only telling you, because I would do it all over again. I would live through my death every time without change if it meant that I got to love you.”

“Then you are a fool.”

You shrugged. “Perhaps. But I would rather be a fool, a slave to my attachment to you, than survive without ever knowing your love.”

Crosshair grit his teeth, snarling as he said, “Go. I don’t want you here.”

“I’m not leaving you again, Cross.”

“GO!” he shouted.

You let out a breath and allowed yourself to disappear from his sight. But you remained there. You stayed with him. You stayed all thirty-two rotations on that platform, watching over him. Making sure he was safe. He could tell you to leave, he could act like he never cared. But you knew that he needed you as much you needed him. So you stayed on that platform with him, and for every day that followed.

Most days, he didn’t see you, didn’t know you were there. But he always knew. He always knew he was being haunted by the ghost of you.

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