#and writing a thesis that is as intensive as we have learned from other characters? okay

[4giorno]

what on earth? the akademiya only takes 2 years and then you graduate?

[raayllum]

Plot, Theme, and Pacing :: 4x01 Re-Birthday

So a little over two weeks out past S4′s release date and a few days before S3′s three year anniversary, I was reflecting on the mixed reactions to S4′s pacing, why it feels unique in some ways to previous seasons as well as what it borrows from structural and pacing standpoints, as well as a potential thesis statement for the season, or at least, episode one.

Which is to say my guided research question is: What is the Point of each episode? and my current thesis statement is S4 Writes to Establish Theme Instead of Plot, specifically, and we’re just gonna see how it goes.

None of this means the pacing has to / did work for you, not saying this writing approach is flawless, or that I’m even right in positing this theory but as always, I’m interested in figuring out what canon gives us and why and what I can yield / analyze from it by engaging with, rather than critiquing the material by focusing on what’s not there, so this is undoubtedly going to be the former rather than the later.

So without further ado, let’s get into the season premiere, 4x01: Re-Birthday. 

Now, in actuality, this is one of the most jam packed episodes of the show in terms of the amount of information given, outside 1x01, and definitely one of the most jam packed premieres. 2x01 was heavily predicated on Ezran teaching Zym how to fly and more than that, establishing a deeper basis for how primal magic works in order to set up Callum’s season long arc. 3x01 is intensely plot > worldbuilding or theme focused, even if again, only about three happens (Amaya getting captured, Rayllum making it past Sol Regem, and Ezran showing up in Katolis in the last few seconds), similarly to how Claudia and Soren do at the Moon Nexus at the very end of 2x01

In contrast, 4x01 establishes

Ezran’s fortified council and plans to bring Zubeia to Katolis, as well as Opeli’s reservations

Callum’s paranoia, his research, and lingering discomfort around being High Mage

The secret plot

That Viren’s resurrection is temporary and Claudia’s means to make it permanent

Janai and Amaya’s relationship and proposal

For casual audiences, that Rayla has left and her status / state of her well-being is currently unknown

So 4x01 is mostly about catch up as well as showcasing change, centralizing on two main characters. So let’s talk about it

It’s All About Claudia and Callum (+ Viren)

Claudia and Callum are by far the most developed characters in the first episode, as they have in a lot of ways been through the biggest changes and most explicit trauma (Rayla might be a contender later, but she’s not here yet). They are also the characters most notably tied to stakes.

Both are aware of the passage of time in a way that is absolutely painful. Both have lived and were forced to live for two years with someone they desperately love (in fact, because of the same person and same trait, of Rayla’s sacrificial nature and willingness to die for a cause). Callum has been in limbo with no direction other than magic as a crutch, while Claudia has been also relentlessly using magic to try to revive her father, concentrating on very little else.

Furthermore, through dark magic, Claudia is able to achieve the one thing Callum cannot: bringing the person she loves back to her. 

This establishes Claudia as being Active on a narrative level with Callum being comparatively more Passive, as well as being an inversion of their original S1 roles in some ways. While Claudia’s early S1-S2 arc was dominated by chasing after the princes to stop them from returning Zym and trying to make up for losing the egg, we will see the trio’s mid S4 and onwards arc be about trying to stop her from unleashing Aaravos. 

[ If you are interested in learning more about narrative passivity, I’d suggest checking out this meta I wrote contrasting and comparing Claudia and Ezran as foils in S2-S3. I also have one planned examining Rayla and Viren’s parallel passivity in S4 ] 

Then, of course, you have the more overt parallels drawn between Callum and Viren in a few key ways. Examining the mirror with parallel framing, meeting Soren on the battlements, waving to kids as they walk on by, their shared position as High Mage.

Callum can’t say Viren’s name either, which feels purposeful precisely because the man is Callum’s political and narrative predecessor, but also because of the emphasis the series puts on routinely calling things what they are. It also sets up how unstable Callum’s identity as a mage will, in some ways, become later this season when Aaravos is brought directly into the fray. 

Of course, while Viren and Callum have always had a plethora of parallels, the biggest one in some ways is that now, they share a birthday — or re-birthday. Callum is attempting to move on in some capacity (which given the Rayla drawing in his study, he’s not trying that hard to let go — yet, anyway) while Viren is playing catchup. 

I’ve talked about Callum’s mental / emotional state in S4 and the way he, to a degree, acts like he’s already dead because Rayla leaving metaphorically killed him, in a way. We can see parts of this already in 4x01; whenever Callum isn’t with or doing things for his brother, he is alone (unless he’s trying to get answers out of Soren because he hates secrets now, or Corvus and Soren are stumbling through stalling him) and typically in his study with the mirror and maybe Bait as company. 

But we see Callum carry this weight with him, stuck in the same kind of grief Rayla was in TTM.

E: Why aren’t you celebrating? C: It’s not really my birthday anymore. Not to me. It’ll never be the same.

His birthday has been permanently changed, even if everyone else has tried to breathe new life into the day. He has been permanently changed; he’ll never be the same, either. We also see a similar sentiment for Viren. He’s not particularly joyful at being back alive, even if his stance on it swings between happiness to reluctance even over this first episode and the rest of the season.

Claudia will never be the same because of what she’s done to bring her father back, shown by her hair. Viren will never be the same because of the trauma of death, shown by his battered garments and changed attitude. Callum will never be the same because he’s had spent two years mourning and missing Rayla, and like Claudia and Rayla’s TTM cloak, is decidedly split down the middle. 

Claudia has a second chance to save Viren. Rayla took a second chance to kill Viren. Viren now has a second chance at life. What does Callum have a second chance at? It’s certainly not the mirror and it’s not magic. So, she’ll show up in an episode or two, but we’ll get to that when we get there.

The main point is that for Callum, a lot of his characterization and framing this episode is to get us caught up to who he is after two years, the way he’s been hurt, and how tethered he is to Claudia in terms of motivation and Viren in terms of theme. Just as Viren is going through a kind of rebirth, Callum is gearing up for one too, even as the episode goes on, we see just how different a place he is in, narratively, as well.

Secret Keeping and Subversion 

Now onto what tethers our arguable A and C Plot together most obviously, which is to say: Amaya and Callum both have secrets kept from them that turn out to be happy, celebration occasions. While both believe for most of the episode that the secret can’t be anything good, both are proven wrong. Amaya is overjoyed by Janai’s proposal even if it initially went awry, and Callum is touched by Ezran’s attempts to give him a happy birthday, even if it doesn’t work. 

So Amaya and Callum are drawn together into disliking secrets being kept from them. There’s the obvious layer here, of course, of Janai paralleling Rayla and her secret-keeping in TTM, leading to Callum’s behaviour and responses in this episode. Amaya states, “You shouldn’t keep a secret from me,” even if Janai posits, “It’s safer for you to not know yet,” Amaya still doesn’t like it.

However, there is perhaps the less obvious parallel between Amaya and Rayla, and an inability to believe you are safe even when your partner assures you otherwise. Amaya never entirely lets her guard down until Janai re-emerges and Rayla was unable to let her guard down in TTM, torn between angrily holding on and questioning if anyone was right to try to move on, let alone her. 

This also speaks to how Rayla’s paranoia has, in some ways, gravitated to Callum instead, too. Now he’s the one who fears the worst. Now he’s the one who can’t believe that everything is fine. It’s an awful way to live. 

However, where Amaya and Janai end their plot line happily, the ending scenes of the episode all emphasize what other characters have that Callum does not, which is

Partnership 

Callum’s lack of partnership shows up in many ways throughout the episode, both big and small. The person he always used to discuss magic with is gone, and he notes that nobody else really entertains him. He has his drawing of Rayla from 2x07, also from when he was worried about losing her, up in his study. He demands answers from Soren and doesn’t ask for reassurance; in fact, despite spending most of the episode worried, he doesn’t get any reassurance until the very end. He’s so focused on magic that even when he thinks Ezran may be in active danger, it’s enough to distract him. And of course, there’s the way he tries to pretend to be fine when his brother asks.

As I’ve noted before, Callum actually confides very little in anyone in season four, at least not without prompting. This is a big change from prior seasons for numerous reasons, which I’ll expand on more in the next and final section of the meta. For now, I’m just going to let the screencaps of each plotline’s final scene (or close to) in the episode speak for itself.

As previously discussed, Claudia has been able to do what Callum could not, and brings her loved one back to her. She’s reunited with her father after two long years of worrying. She then also joyfully introduces her boyfriend, Terry, to her father, who in spite of Viren’s lukewarm to cold reception, the two are happily unfazed by: “I think that went well.” Janai and Amaya’s engagement is reaffirmed by Janai stating Amaya’s fierce battle prowess is one of the things she “loves about her.” 

(Meanwhile Viren is without his partner in his ex-wife, Lissa, likewise leaving him.)

Callum ends his birthday on the balcony initially alone, then with his brother, crying under the light of the moon, and unable to even admit he loves Rayla out loud anymore because it hurts too much. He worries and mourns his best friend and girlfriend, Ezran able to provide only minimal (if any) comfort by the time the episode closes out. Again, we see Love tethered to this idea of Death per Viren and Claudia, as Ezran’s “She’s alive. And wherever she is, she love you too” makes Rayla loving Callum synonymous with her being alive. 

All of this compounds the fact, though, that Callum is fundamentally without his partner or one of the two people he loves the most in contrast to the rest of the main cast, even the ‘villains.’ Even with Ezran, who can understand this heart break the most, Callum is alienated in his grief. To Ezran and everyone else, his birthday is still a day worth celebrating. To Callum, it’s not. It never will be.

In his own words, it will always just be the anniversary of the day she left. Of the day he lost her, while he lay sleeping. And, speaking of isolation, let’s talk about

When Does Callum Self Isolate?

Callum doesn’t self isolate often in previous seasons. He definitely does so sometimes, and will often catch a quiet moment for himself just to draw on purpose. Callum doesn’t mind being alone (and indeed I think he’s more introverted than extraverted at his core) but he typically isn’t alone when dealing with his emotions, except for a few exceptions.

In 1x01 when hearing about Harrow, Callum doesn’t want to worry his little brother, so he goes to Soren and insists on helping. We can see parallels to this in 4x01 as well, with Callum believing there’s another plot to kill the king that Soren has accidentally ‘spilled the beans’ over. (The king and high mage standing on the same balcony talking about Moonshadow assassins. The same cycle that just keeps on restarting, but again, more on that next episode.) 

The main times Callum isolates for emotional reasons in S1-S3 is

1) He can’t sleep (2x07 before Rayla joins him and he was still chatting with Bait, so he wasn’t wholly alone and this one probably makes the most sense)

2) Lingering out in the storm in 2x04, using magic to help take his mind off Soren and Claudia’s betrayal. Again, until Rayla joins him, and even when he goes into the storm, he happily takes Zym with him

3) Perhaps the one true time in 2x05, where he goes below deck on the Ruthless to try to read Harrow’s letter and bursts, angrily, when he thinks he’s being interrupted/intruded upon (even if he softens and asks Bait to stay). 

The last one is notable since we know that Callum’s instinct with grief is to isolate and then seek out companionship. After Claudia tells him the truth about Harrow, he walks back to the dwelling alone and in tears in 2x02 before Rayla finds him. When he brushes her off, it’s with the intent of telling Ezran the truth, before he spends the night sitting up alone (while Rayla does the same outside the garden). Then, after he tries and fails to tell Ezran, he seeks out Rayla and fully lets himself start grieving. 

By S4, we see this has radically changed, as again, 90% of his scenes where he’s around people centres back to doing something for Ezran (the council meeting) or worrying about his brother. The one main exception is Callum seeking the Crowmaster out to ask about the Tome of Translation, and that was more of a happenstance passing in the halls than Callum going to the rookery, perhaps. The one main exception is him finding Soren on the battlements and even that is related to him dealing with leftover trauma from Rayla’s departure. In spite of being the king’s brother, Callum actually sits farthest away from Ezran and indeed from any other council member as he can possibly get.

We also see that how Callum grieves has changed, or at least, the way he grieves Rayla is notably different. He’s still actively grieving, yet shuts himself from everyone else, including his own party. He has been outside for “a while” (as Ez says) completely on his own before Ezran notices and then goes after him. There’s no attempt to get him back to the party, either. 

His temper is fast and loose, he’s more paranoid, patient, worried, slightly more of a workaholic and prone to spending a lot more time by himself. He doesn’t have his confidant. He doesn’t have his counter-balance. And it goes a long way to making him feel off-kilter, even before the season really kicks off. 

Conclusion

To wrap things up, 4x01 introduces some of its primary themes of the season: stagnated grief, separation and reunion, partnership (or lack thereof), and life-death symbolism being brought heavily to the forefront. 

A lot of the characterization and parallels between Callum, Viren, and Claudia are subtext that provide a picture, meaning that while the episode’s primary job is to catch us up, it’s also laying the ground work for the bigger thematic questions the season interrogates later (largely beginning in episode two and three), as well as leaving room for future seasons. 

If you enjoyed this post, I hope to make one like it for every episode in season four in order to chart out the thematic waters I can see and understand at this time. All posts in this little mini theme series will be specifically filed under my “Establish Theme Series” tag as well as my more general “analysis series” tag. I do have some metas I plan to upload concurrently with this mini series

If you made it this far, thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed! I’ll see you in the next one!

[a-shakespearean-in-paris]

Why Cullen?

Today I bring you a post I’ve been in the process of mentally drafting for a while, a post that essentially analyzes the age old question in the Dragon Age fandom: Why is there always something with Cullen?

To do this, I am going to go through different “phases” of Cullen discourse. My thesis and answering the titular question: It’s complicated, and I don’t think I can answer “Why Cullen,” but “there’s sometimes recycled discourses made about his character through the years, maybe there’s a pattern.” When it comes to Cullen’s detractors, I understand the fact that it might be frustrating to see much content for someone so “boring” when there’s more “interesting” and “well done” characters (though interest is of course relevant) so it leads to a lot of vitriol from both new and old fans who think the man had too much screen time already. Furthermore, he is highly complicated man dressed as a Disney prince, and the “Disney-esque” feel of his romance creates a dissonance between coming to terms with his problematic past and reveling in the romanticism. We can have a happy medium everyone,  but because of what I can only describe as “tik tok thought” it’s become looked down upon to have problematic favorites, which leads to guilt in liking something problematic, or outright revisionism.

But liking things with problematic elements doesn’t make you a bad person.

Alright, let’s begin: 

The first phase truly began of course with DAO with Cullen’s crush on the female Circle Mage Warden. Some were endeared, others not so much. I cannot speak to this phase too much as I was around 15-16 and pretty preoccupied with my high school drama instead of fandom, though I played both DAO and DA2 upon it’s release and followed updates for DA2 before it came out. Despite not being an active fandom member I was what they would call, a lurker. I knew some people liked Cullen and thought he was cute, wishing for more screen time after the game and hoping he’d be in DAI through IMDB message boards (remember those?) and YoutTube comments. When news broke he’d be an advisor in DAI and a romance option, I remember seeing a lot of people in those same spaces rejoice. I’m sure there were also people who weren’t so pleased, but from what I saw, people were happy. When Inquisition did release, I actually did quite a bit more lurking on tumblr despite the fact I didn’t have a blog, because I played the romance route, really gravitated toward it, and wanted to see fanart and such. People liked the romance, liked his arc and how Bioware handled his struggles with lyrium; and found it realistic. Even in my lurking days I did see some blowback on Cullen from detractors, those who didn’t think he should have been the military advisor (which canonically it makes total sense to me why he’s where he’s at, but I won’t get into it here however.) But likely because I wasn’t fully “in fandom,” my surface level understanding of how tumblr felt about Cullen was relatively positive and there was only standard fare discourse.

Phase 2: I can speak about this phase better because I established this blog in 2017. Two years after DAI was released, you still had a lot of fans who loved his romance and character, but you also saw a lot of those fans really dive into his flaws, insisting even that just focusing on the Disney Prince aspects of him reduced his character. There were also more internal debates. Would realistically Cullen be a good father was one. One thing however was for sure, there was a strange them and us line between detractors and fans, and to many fans, myself included, oftentimes the Cullen blowback would extend beyond the valid, “hey I don’t think his characterization was handled well” or “his redemption arc isn’t that great” to outright vitriolic hate that blatantly ignored his PTSD and lyrium addiction, and even sometimes “you just like Cullen because he’s white.” As a POC fan it was a fantastic thing to be accused of. I used to be more involved with discord during this period and I remember a few discussions about this as well. Even those indifferent to Cullen didn’t get it.

Overall, I have to say the air was one where people in Cullen fandom enjoyed all aspects of him, from delving into this troubled past to indulging in the Disney prince aspects of him. It was a happy medium I think, even if occasionally I would see a Cullen fan feel bad for liking him, and feel like they needed to justify it. Heck I even did and still do feel that way sometimes, like I need to justify what I like. But we all come into fandom for different reasons. I come into fandom some days for different things. Sometimes I want smut with my favorite character, other times I want more intense thought pieces and challenging fics. Great thing about fandom is that it’s a bakery that has cherry tarts, cinnamon rolls, or all kinds of pie depending on your mood. Craving a different sweet treat, you can make your own. Or you can commission an artist or writer for something you fancy.

*(sexual assault mentions here late in the paragraph****)And now I’ve been warped back into Cullen/DA fandom through what I am calling phase three, where the general air on Cullen reads as….very different. After having one foot outside DA fandom for a while coming back and reading the air has been different. There was the bizarre nuggetgate and other things with Cullen. Now, instead of accepting his flaws and exploring him there seems to be a lot of revisionism going on, as if his past never happened or we’re supposed to ignore he was a templar. A sexually active Cullen is looked down upon but in a different way from before. Instead of smut works with him “reducing his complicated character.” it’s distasteful to write smut with him where he’s sexually dominant or even just a lot of smut because he was sexually assaulted. (***Now, it is implied that he was, if you are a female Circle mage in DAO, with “sifting through my thoughts, tempting me with the one thing I always wanted but could never have” but this is an implication. I will be honest, it is what I have implied. However, it’s not there if you’re not a female Mage. He was however canonically sexually harassed in the Winter Palace, something I will always argue, even if canon treats it like a joke, even if Leliana tells him to “just look pretty.” Just because he is a man doesn’t make it funny that someone grabbed his bottom, and if you take Cole he flat out says “Cullen is afraid.”***)

So here I am, wondering what changed and what’s going on. Here’s what I believe: Cullen is a complicated character and his flaws and his past make him interesting to me, and they are interesting to explore. However there is nothing wrong with wanting to just explore a romantic, sexual Cullen. He’s a character with many facets. He’s romantic, determined, nostalgic, stubborn, unrelenting, loyal, driven, all things that made him seem so real. Here we get to my theory: in today’s media “criticisms” I see people—particularly younger people—beat themselves up for liking something problematic. It’s like every time you engage with media that’s potentially problematic you have to write essays to yourself why it is so and hold yourself accountable. I see this on tik-tok a lot and why I refer to it as “tik tok thought.” Look at the way some young Hamilton fans talk about the musical, or heck even here, and you may see what I mean. It’s like if you don’t acknowledge the problematic aspects of the historical figures behind their fictional portrayals in the show you’re a bad person. Same thing with nostalgic Disney fans my age in younger, if you don’t clown on Ariel for “choosing a man over anything” (SHE LIKED THE SURFACE WORLD BEFORE SHE MET ERIC) you don’t get your brownie points.

I want to make it clear: being critical of media is good. I am glad I see young people and people my age think about the messages we are given in media, but somehow this is turned into ANALYZE EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. Ya’ll I’m a grad student. I’m critical most of the time, when I come to my tumblr blog’s lawn I’m here mostly to have some fun, and hey sometimes my fun is being critical. But sometimes it isn’t. You do not have to always be critical. You do not have to beat yourself up for liking something that’s problematic or write an essay about why it is as if that’s your due diligence in stanning a fictional character. I’m going to be honest I used to kind of think I had to justify my likes once, especially because of the Cullen vitriol on tumblr. I worked overtime in my early fanfic efforts to try to prove to the world I knew Cullen was problematic for fear I’d be perceived as just an idiot horny fangirl. Well, let me tell you: I largely don’t think that way anymore. If I want to just enjoy writing some smut or reading some smut with him, I am. But I think there is a second part of this in Cullen fandom currently, a revisionism of his problematic elements. Now, if you have to do mental gymnastics with a character in an effort to ignore problematic elements, perhaps you don’t like the character that much. That’s totally okay. DA has many awesome characters to write about and stan.

So, why Cullen? For so many reasons a bit of a shit show has always followed this character. There’s a divide between fans and his detractors and sometimes there’s a divide within the Cullen fandom. What I can extrapolate for now is the need to keep him squeaky clean and safe and away from anything “problematic” because his of past, his templar roots, or the fact that he’s white when there are POC characters with less content. It reads as a guilt associated with liking him. But please, do not be guilty. He’s not real. Templars aren’t real, mages aren’t real, Cullen isn’t real. Here’s my advice, something I learned while in my directing class in college. What my teacher always said was direct what turns you on, direct a story that gets you thinking, gets you excited. What gets you thinking and excited in a fictional world may be tons of conflict and dramatics, or it may be peace and love. Sometimes it can be both or more. Don’t shame others for coming to a bakery and wanting blueberry when you want cherry, and the baker has both, especially if the baker labels each pie, especially if the recipe for the pie has some salt in it and people like the salt. We can have it all and enjoy it all. What we want in our fiction doesn’t always align with something we may want real life. Lots of people write Modern girl in Thedas stories. Ya’ll if that actually happened to one of us it would probably suck. I’d probably get killed and not even get to meet Cullen and pose around the desk to get things going, so I’d rather it not happen. However, it is fun to read about.

Again, don’t be guilty for liking Cullen, please. But if you have to do a lot of mental gymnastics to like Cullen, maybe you don’t like him at all. To that I say, there are many other amazing characters, or perhaps you could write your own.

[riverdale-retread]

Riverdale S6 E4 (Rivervale: Witching Hour)

Fanfic has three tiers of flavor: Mellow, Tangy, and Piquant. (I’m going somewhere with this, please stay with me).  Mellow flavor intensity stays mostly within canon, and often write the ‘in between’ moments for the gaps left between the shown scenes or ‘extend’ the scenes that have already been shown.  This seems to have happened a lot in ye olde days of fanfic when people got threatened by Anne Rice etc.  Much of current fanfiction is in the Tangy variety - use some canon factors, but play  with them with a great deal of freedom, such as: Fraught romances between characters that never share the screen in canon, for example, or recast positive relationships in negative lights and vice versa.  But the most intense flavor, Piquant, does what this fourth chapter of Rivervale does - take the choicest relationships, character traits, faces, voices and bodies from canon, and then toss it into a whole different genre/century/planet/ universe and then push blend.

Chapter 4 of Rivervale is Piquant flavored - historic fiction, and using familiar faces to create unfamiliar new characters, and fix whatever the writer did not like or thought needed further explanation from what happens in canon by a combination of horror and the occult!  I also think Jughead Narrator recently watched The Hours - the Phillip Glass type music and the seamless shifting in and out of the three different eras of Cheryls was SUCH a treat to watch.

I’m going to talk about the performances given by the actors which I rarely do, but the capacity to play historical and /or entirely ‘off’ canon seems very uneven in the cast, and the three best deserve their kudos (and I just also wanna just flail about my faves).

This episode’s MVPs are:  Cheryl (Madelaine Petsch), Jughead/Jack (Cole Sprouse), Bitsy/Betty (Lili Reinhart)

Cheryl:

This is obviously a Cheryl-centric episode, and I love these. Petsch is the lesser-sung lead actress of this show (the most praised for various reasons is Reinhart), and in many ways what she’s asked to do in normal times is to be the counterpart to Reinhart. Bring the camp to contrast to Reinhart’s emotional realism, the showy sparkle to highlight the warm Bughead/Jabitha glow.  Cheryl is a ‘big’ character, and Petsch gives ‘big’ performances, which is why these Cheryl-centric episodes feel like events to me.

Petsch physically has a *lot* going on:  Other than her BMI, everything about her is huge (eyes, lips, sheer mouth size, the *amount* of hair, elasticity of facial muscles) and bold, and this excess unexpectedly makes her look convincing in all the different eras of costume she’s asked to wear.   No matter what, she still looks like herself.  The other person who pulls this off is Reinhart, but that’s because the operative image of the picture book white girl prettiness that she embodies has not actually changed that much over time. And really, very few people alive could pull off that giant red wedding gown with the red veil.  Iconic, and she manages to look classical, demure and absolutely unhinged all at the same time. (Yes, this, more than the blood covered white wedding night dress lol).  

She’s best able to deliver the show’s arch approximations of how people nowadays expect people of those former eras to talk.  Cheryl always had odd rhythms and an ornately campy lines to begin with, but Petsch delivered weird-to-us sounding lines that are supposed to be period-correct (“I WOULD have the truth from you”) with the appropriate amount of sincerity, kept free of camp.

The Rivervale thesis about Cheryl is that in every era, she is gay. In every era she is some sort of cult leader/ teacher of women.  In every era she is highly problematic, not just for that era but for our current sensibilities as well.  

And this is just a weird mind-game I’m engaging in but IF we posit this is a thing written by Jughead from Riverdale OH BOY HE NEEDS TO LEARN SOME THINGS about which lesbian tropes to avoid. Cheryl has the strange fixation on her ‘soulmate’ brother, but she otherwise despises men to a degree that borders on outright misandry. Maybe I just know the choicest lesbians (this is possible) but gay women really do not care about men all this much. They just don’t think about men that much at all unless a particular dude is being a nuisance to them in particular.   Cheryl though says things like “I have no need for women with husbands” and  “Men are such monsters.”  She sincerely, kindly advises women to lightly poison (so you can go work) or drug (so you can get more sex) or fatally poison (instead of getting a divorce) their husbands .  She has a persistent horror of heterosexual sex and pregnancy - and it’s a strange touch that the episode left open whether Bitsy was enduring marital rape or just that she didn’t want to have another baby.  This is a weirdly retrograde and straight-man focused way of conceptualizing a lesbian character who moreover is completely aware of and accepts her own homosexuality.

The explanation provided by this episode - that Cheryl never existed and she’s been Abigail Blossom, under a cursed immortality, all this time - serves as a neat fan-fic type ‘explanation’ for why Canon Riverdale Cheryl is so ‘off.’  She talks strangely, for one (“Nay! Cousin!” or  “Pray tell” as Cheryl would be her Abigail self bursting forth) and has strange retrograde ideas (s1 disbelief of the girls who report abuse by football players).  It’s audacious, which is fun, but imperfect because it leaves so much unexplained. For example, does the Abigail self retain awareness of her past lives as she keeps moving forward in time? How was it that Nana Blossom was able to tell all those whackadoo stories about ‘the past’? 

But see, asking questions like this takes all the fun out of both Riverdale the show and fanfic in general. Accept the premises and engage, or fuck off, really.

In any case - Cheryl has been an odd mix of highly entitled and highly vulnerable, and the triptych self shown in this episode posits that the headstrong, high-handed parts came from Abigail, and Poppy Blossom was 100% heart and feeling.   Cheryl the modern iteration whiplashed between the two.  This performance is a rendering of the same person in three radically different eras, in contrast to what Sprouse is doing, which to create entirely different people with the same face. 

By the way - At the school the only girl ever allowed to speak is Britta. This is a problem. The other girls - some not white even! - are literally set decoration.

Bitsy:

The chemistry and heat between Bitsy and Cheryl kind of threw into high relief how I unpersuasive I find Choni on screen. I adore the idea of Choni - Cheryl loving someone like Toni, who is consistently smart, the voice of reason and a source of kindness to her peers despite being from circumstances as dire as Jughead’s is adorable.  Cheryl being unable to sustain the kind of relationship that Toni would want was also an interesting development. But. Performance-wise, these two actresses do not generate heat, and it’s not to do with their actual personal lives.  When Petch’s limpid, you-make-me-weak adoring gazes finds its match like it does in the performance that Rheinhardt gives as Bitsy, I’m thrown right into the Ye Olde Lesbian Pulp fictions I used to read (Ann Bannon fans in the house perhaps??). All the yearning! The internal conflict! The swallowed tears! The passion!

I don’t think this was the intention, but the first Bitsy x Poppy kiss is followed by the first Abigail x Tomasina kiss and the LACK of romantic energy in the second pairing was just thrown into high relief. 

The scene at the jail where Bitsy shows her real despair and the retreats back to compulsive heterosexuality was a really marvelous bit of acting.  The fact that Bitsy smiles as she prepares to murder her husband through poison is the kind of wrong headed ‘women should just kill bad men’ type of thinking that keeps getting mischaracterized as feminism and lets men who do the everyday work of keeping women down (WHICH IS MOST OF THEM) off the hook as long as they are not actively daily raping someone.  Get outta here.

Jack:

We open with Jughead narrator who is  one of two characters that Sprouse plays here. Jughead Narrator is hard eyed and sarcastic.  We walk through the very well appointed, living museum house that is Thornhill. 

After Jughead Narrator comes Jack (No Last Name and not a Jones, probably? - is he a Jones??). Jack is actually menacing, and in a grounded way.  The absolute dislike, as well as what I immediately thought of as Anti-Choice rage in his face!  Very affecting because 99% of what I associate with this actor’s face is looking adoringly, almost on the verge of tears, at different people (Betty, Archie, FP, Jellybean, Gladys).  He is doing a LOT without being overbearing about it (compare to the inability of Kevin’s actor being able to do anything other than Kevin in period cosplay or Fang’s actor utterly unable to deliver ‘period’ lines).  The yanking Bitsy forward to say the coerced line about wanting another baby and pushing her back, and the glaring down at his wife with the same hatred as he does Poppy - nicely done.  And moreover, the kermit-froggy adolescent quaver he has in this voice somehow added to the general misogynist-on-a-bender frisson. When the mob of husbands comes to visit Poppy to threaten her, the only one that I was alarmed to see was Jack, leaning just so against the door frame, unabashed hatred on his face.  When Poppy shows up at the diner, he’s so furious he absolutely runs out of words.  If I used my compact and saw someone looking at the back of my head like that I would also cry.   And really the conspiracy of the men of the McCarthy Era playing with words this way - you won’t have to come back to THIS CELL - seemed so likely, and I liked the bold erasure of most real world details (due process, etc) for the drama of storytelling.

I found it amusing to consider that despite the sheer TERROR he had for her at the start and the weird stories and runaround she gave him as an adult, Narrator/ Riverdale Jughead has enough respect for Nana Blossom to give her body a calm send off into the Witchy Beyond and her soul a new start in a banging young body.  Well done.

[disasterbialert]

So, I finished The Untamed and ok ok I think I have collected most of my thoughts about it. (I’m late, so I guess these thoughts don’t really matter, but I wanted to put them somewhere and here seemed like the place.) SO here’s a post absolutely NO ONE WANTS and imma do it anyway cool cool.

Firstly: love. This entire show is about love. Obviously other things too ok I’m simplifying for the sake of my point. But importantly it is about love. The love for our families, found, made and blood. The love of soulmates, romantic and platonic. The love of humanity, of the people known and unknown, love for them purely because they are human and are therefore deserving of love. The love inherent in honour and duty, the sacrifices made for that love. Loving someone—bravely, in the face of every adversity, despite being told it’s wrong. Learning to be true to that love, learning to love faithfully, learning to love, to show love, to be loved.

Bless the tireless translators. Y’all. The work you do is often thankless but y’all are so valued. Thank you.

The music. I actually don’t have the words for this, I can only thank the composers and musicians for the gifts they have blessed us with. My heart my heart my heart.

The costumes, set, props and cinematography are all so exquisite. I’m not an expert in any of these fields but I can see the care and detail paid to each facet of this show. What an absolute visual joy. Stunning.

And now, the characters.

I’ll start with the ladies. They deserved so much more. We deserved to have more than just one by the end, but I understand this wasn’t their story (still hurts tho).

Jiang Yanli. Proof that kindness is powerful. Her heart holds entire worlds. She is not weak (don’t even try me I swear to the gods). She holds her family together. She takes care of her siblings. She feeds their bodies and their souls. WWX is right—JZX does not deserve her but that’s because nobody does. But Jiang Yanli deserves to be happy, therefore her marriage to the Flower Peacock is valid purely bc it makes her happy. She stands up for what’s right, she will not compromise her morals, she will defend her family to her last breath (and so she does💔). She does not harden herself, she does not have to. Her patience and kindness, her softness, her gentleness—things that are seen as weaknesses or inferiorities—are what put her above all around her. She is gracious, she is strong, she is loving, she is determined, she is brave. She deserved better.

Wen Qing. A queen. A powerhouse. The most brilliant mind. A lightning-quick and sharp-bladed tongue. She loves Wen Ning so much and her love is powerful, just as Jiang Yanli’s. Her dedication and devotion to her people, her true family, not just a name, is incredible, inspiring. Why? Because she’s not perfect. So she learns. She grows. She becomes herself. When she’s at the Burial Mounds, she essentially adopts WWX as another younger brother, caring for him because she knows he won’t care for himself, and she does so out of love and respect. But she never replaces Jiang Yanli. She is keenly aware of all she perceives WWX loses because he aids them. Hence the pivotal, crucial: I’m sorry and thank you. She walks to what she knows is her own death with her head held high and her hand in her brother’s, offering love and support and what protection she can to the end. She does not flinch. She does not bow. She fights with all of her and surrenders with grace not reflected by those she surrenders to. Honestly I could write an entire thesis on Wen Qing but I’ll cry too hard so I’ll just leave it here that she deserved better, she deserved to live, she deserved to be free.

Mian Mian. Mian motherfucking Mian. Here is a woman who stares injustice full in the face and says no fucking way, says over my dead body, says you and what army old man. Strips the robes of the hypocritical off her own damn body, throws them at the feet of a false god and walks out, back straight, head held high. She makes her own way in the world, carves out her own life, finds love and happiness and lives. She does not compromise. She does not bow. She fights and she wins and she is glorious. And she lives she lives she lives.

Yu ZiYuan. I may be in the minority here but that’s ok. No I don’t approve of her abuse, just gonna nip that one in the bud right out of the gate. Was she fair? No. Was she cruel? Yes. Was she an incredible fighter who fought for her family, for her home? Who showed raw courage and furious strength in the face of insurmountable odds? Who loved a man with her whole bitter heart, loved her children with that same fractured heart? Was clearly the subject of spiteful rumour and vicious gossip and did not let it defeat her? Refused to bow to anyone? I do not like her, do not like how her bitterness made her cruel. But seeing her wield her blade, take wound after wound, witness the death of her love, then take her own blade and rob the monsters invading her home of the satisfaction of taking her life, took her own life with her own hands because that’s how she did everything in her life so why the fuck wouldn’t she do it in death too, who crawled her way to the man she loved, laced their fingers together so he wouldn’t die alone, so they could both die held? How can I not respect her.

Ok. The lads.

Jiang Cheng is a man-child idiot with the emotional expression range of a loquat, an inferiority complex the size of the moon and self-worth issues going back farther than the Big Bang, and I love him, ok? He loves so hard and so much and it is heartwrenching that he cannot communicate that. Some of his best moments are actually in the background, which is both funny and terribly sad. His rage is at times ridiculous, at times frustrating, at times all he has left, his joy is bright but brief, his grief is devastating. Watching JY greet WWX after the 3 months in the Burial Mounds. The entire temple scene. Crying on his knees. We were to be the Heroes of Yunmeng. Take care. Fuck me right in my feelings ok.

Wen Ning is so fucking precious and I would die for him for all eternity. What an absolute gift his character is. I honestly can’t write much more about him because I’ll cry. But special mentions to his interactions with A-Yuan/Lan SiZhui and the incredible scene where he reveals to Jiang Cheng the truth about his/WWX’s golden core. Unparalleled emotional intensity. The equal parts tenderness and fierceness of his love is breathtaking.

And the loves.

Song Lan and Xiao Xingchen. There is a lot of tragedy in The Untamed. There is great sadness in the main plot line and even in the small side plots. The Ballad of Song Lan and Xian Xingchen (as it’s come to be known in my head) is for me the most devastating and poignant. They just wanted to do good, to wander the world together and do their part to make it a better and safer place. It’s noble, yes, but it’s also so human, so close to home. Because we all want that, to know that we can do some good before we leave this world. They do not want to be involved in the petty squabbles, the undignified and cruel vying for power and dominance. They simply want to live and be. The fact that both of their deaths are pointless, could have been avoided, are the faults of poor timing and terrible terrible luck and cruel turns fate is almost what makes it sadder. Xue Yang screams that XXC is not better than him, that his righteousness and the righteous way he has attempted to live his life is all for naught. And then he is immediately proven wrong—XXC’s heartbreak means he can’t become XY’s puppet. SL is free from XY’s control and avenges himself and XXC. Which is also somehow just as devastating. That XXC and SL were so close, so very close to being together, to living, to making it, but didn’t. Nothing grand or heroic about their deaths—just the unknown and unpredictable nature of life. There is no rhyme or reason, no big important plan, no fate or destiny. They both simply die as we all one day will. And it is their potential cut short, the love and life they could’ve had, that hurts the most. They are not Lan Zhan and Wei Ying: they do not get their second chance, their reunion, their happily ever after. The look shared between SL and LWJ—the shared grief, the recognition, the understanding—and LWJ’s brief and unelaborated-on comment to WWX ‘how fortunate’ speaks volumes. How fortunate you came back/I found you/that’s not us when it could’ve been. That final shot of SL walking away and the brief out-of-focus moment of XXC walking beside him—particularly when it’s echoed with the parallel of WWX and LWJ—chokes me every time.

Wei Ying and Lan Zhan. Soulmates in every sense of the word. Their song. Their bunnies. Their child. The years they were robbed of. The yearning. The pining. The loyalty. The growth. The love the love the love. The loss the loss the loss. Every Lan Zhan. Every Wei Ying. Every glance. Every soft breath. Every gentle touch. The tenderness. The intimacy. The quiet acceptance. Their love story is one of the ages and, on a personal note as a queer person, what a gift it is to see a queer love story like this. (even when censored as a bromance, which like I mean, they tried but the glances alone are +9000 gay pining but whatever and yes I am making a joke because I’m crying don’t look at me)

TL;DR: I am so thankful The Untamed/CQL/MDZS and all of its adaptations (the source material included obvs) exists. I am so thankful to the writers, translators, casts, crews, creators. I am thankful for the community of fans that exist that love it as I do, who share that love and passion—whether through passionate discussion, rich fanfic or mind-blowing fanart. I am thankful I live in a time where content like this exists and can be shared. I learned a whole lot and I’m so grateful there aren’t even words. Love y’all. I’m gonna go be soft now. 💙

[that-golden-lyre]

Buckle up fam. We’re out here writing essays again! Daylight may be a large deviation from canon (but we don’t know that yet) but it SHOULD be canon. 👀👏🏾 I’m not even sure this is gonna sound like a thanksvember post, but here we go anyways. This fic. It’s like what doing heroin must feel like. It’s not a crazy high, it just makes you feel so much better about everything else going on in canon. This fic will either A.) make you hopeful that canon will turn out ok or B.) make you hate canon with the burning intensity of 1,000 suns. There is no in between, I’m sorry. But on the bright side, this story is like the most beautifully woven tapestry of the intricate understanding of these characters. Literally every new fic this woman writes gets more and more intriguing (Like I said, heroin). This fic takes the potential possibilities of all the current story line and makes completely new outcomes. Each character is given the opportunity to flesh out a new facet of world building, while also adding to the plot. One of my favorite parts of this story is the new insight we get into the other high lords, especially Helion. I feel like this fic really carries the weight of immortality through his point of view. Pyrithian is REALLY old and so are it’s inhabitants. And so I magic. In this fic you really get to feel how long those years are, and how deep that magic flows through Helions point of view. (As well as the bone carver, but I’m a simp for helion so here we are) I love the way the depth of magic is not just explored, it’s explained. Though it’s not explained too much so there’s no mystery left. But we get some insight as to how magic really works in pyrithian. What’s the cost? What are the limits? How does that affect the fae, especially *made* ones? You get a bit of a taste of all of those questions. Also side note, the world building isn’t crazy overbearing and confusing! Which is such a plus because as much as I love world building, having an encyclopedia of knowledge dumped on you in a story is SO hard to get through. The pace at which it’s given in this fic is PERFECT. Last but not least the couples in this. Yes I’m going to say couples and not just mention nessian because wow. Every. Single. One. Of them gets their inner working exposed and reviewed. Helion and the high lady of autum, Nesta and Cassian, and Azriel and Lucien. (This fic made me ship the last pair like I need fucking oxygen. I’m a mess now. No rag-rets) There’s such passion in each pair, but yet each of them have made mistakes and need to work through them. They’re not perfect, and that’s what makes this story So SO good. Now that I’ve written my third thesis and PROMPTLY delayed posting this : GO READ IT. You must. Thanks again @flowerflamestars for sharing 🧡💛❤️

[love-takes-work]

Unpopular opinion: Rocknaldo was fine (not GREAT, just fine) and most of the hate for it is either a misinterpretation of its thesis or a feeling of betrayal over the social media promo for it.

strongly agree | agree | neutral | disagree | strongly disagree

YEAH, people so intensely hate this episode and think it means something I never thought it meant. On the one hand I’m super supportive of people wanting to take different interpretations of things, but I don’t understand why some people keep saying “Rocknaldo” was a message to overobsessive/toxic fans or something. I didn’t see any message to fans in there and I don’t quite get what they think the Crew would be trying to say to its fans in such an unflattering way. It seemed like a straightforward message about fake allies to me.

“Rocknaldo” is actually my favorite Ronaldo episode. (Which kinda isn’t saying much since I’m not much of a Ronaldo fan.) But I really liked the idea that they’ve shown Ronaldo as a person who mainly pursues his interests for personal gain and recognition, and that was emphasized in “Rocknaldo.” In the first Ronaldo-focused episode, “Keep Beach City Weird,” he blurted out that what REALLY mattered is that something was finally happening to HIM. He became despondent when it turned out nothing was about him and he’s not at the center of anything. He wants to be important, and he frequently wants to do that at the expense of pushing other people down.

“Rocknaldo” was an escalation of that. He finally accepted some criticism about his behavior toward the Gems, but then his way of “fixing” that was to throw himself into an imagined version of their cause and immediately started telling others how they should execute their missions and standards according to his misinterpretations. They needed to show off their Gems, make a big show of not sleeping, and love and accept everyone (read: him). He wanted to be prioritized and centered in a group he wasn’t really part of and hadn’t authentically learned about. He wanted to walk in and be declared exceptional, wanted to insult Connie’s dedication to the group because he suspected she’s given preferential treatment for being Steven’s “girlfriend,” wanted to sulk and guilt the others about their failure to include him on missions he hasn’t trained for whatsoever.

I’ve met SO many people like him in my activism who are insulting and aggressive as soon as you don’t lick their behinds for joining and center them in your mission. If it ever makes them think they need to question their own inappropriate behavior or makes them feel that someone is more qualified to speak on a subject, there’s a huge outburst about how they’re NOT WELCOMING TO ALLIES or a catastrophic ragequit that blames the established members/leaders for trying to make the newcomer have a seat. If the cause doesn’t make Bloodstone feel good, out comes the shaming, the false equivalence, the claims that they WOULD have been an ally but YOU’RE JUST HOSTILE. Meanwhile they haven’t even been here long enough to know what the mission is.

And of course, “Rocknaldo” ends with Ronaldo backing away from trying to be accepted as a Crystal Gem, but concluding they couldn’t bring him into the fold because he is the ultimate outsider. His specialness and individuality was just too much for them. He honestly didn’t really get the point. And that’s how a lot of these things end, too. They just move on to something else where they can pursue their glory.

I’m not sure WHAT that whole thing is with people being super angry about the Bloodstone-related promo. To me it was utterly clear that we were not actually getting a new character and I did not feel like anyone trolled me. And I think you’re right--the “I expected X and I got Y” effect has marred quite a few episodes and arcs in this series, which is especially frustrating if the expectations WEREN’T actually based on anything anyone promised. 

There are actually some episodes I look forward to way less than “Rocknaldo” when reviewing stuff. And again I think it’s super weird that anyone spins this episode as a message to fans--that “the fandom is toxic” or “Ronaldo represents possessive fans” or something. Tons of professional reviewers saw it the way I did--as a “dangers of fake allies” episode. 

I argued with someone on Reddit about this once. (I’m just in the comments; I didn’t write the OP.)

Still happy to take unpopular opinions where I have to react and explain!

[sonofsallyjackson]

Heroes of Olympus should have been in first-person.

@jo-march-is-a-lesbian​ wrote a really wonderful post about how “Percy Jackson and the Olympians is better than Heroes of Olympus…because it understood simplicity and character development.”  It highlights some reasons I also found HoO less rewarding namely that it was an overcomplicated story with limited character growth, lacked a common thesis, and was super jarring when it switched perspectives.  

And with that my little brain went: I can fix this.  Which frankly is ridiculous.  I can’t come up with a compelling thesis like “The idea that we should place our hope in our loved ones, our friends and our family, and if we do that, we won’t be tempted to give up hope again.”   But I can imagine a simple change that would have solved some of the issues and also played to Rick’s strengths as a writer:  Each book should have been written in first person and narrated by a different character.

With so many people on the quest, I often felt like I was watching a bunch of one-dimensional characters fight for their right to be the main character.  I didn’t know who to focus on but I was also dissatisfied.  There were all these new wonderful characters in front of me who I wanted to love, but I didn’t feel like I actually knew them.  I mean I don’t feel like I know the Stoll Brothers either, but I’m not concerned about that fact because they are side characters.  When everyone is painted as the main character,  I have certain expectations for growth, personality, and voice.  The story would have been better served if the characters took turns narrating the action, allowing us to settle into their perspective, see their growth, and better understand their personality.

Plus Rick kills first-person.  While I’m not particularly a fan of Trials of Apollo, it’s not because I don’t know the characters.  Apollo is so very different than Percy. Their voices, even though they can both be jokesters at times, reflect their different life-experiences, thought processes and provide massive insight into their characters.   If the Seven (and Nico and Reyna) got the same treatment, I would be absolutely giddy.  

I recognize that rewriting the HoO series in first-person is something a talented fanfiction writer with a lot of time on their hands could actually do.  But I am not talented like that and I certainly don’t have the discipline to actually write that much fic, especially if I was trying to keep the events vaguely the same just with different narration and pacing.  So instead I’ve included who I think should have narrated each book below the cut.  I’d love to hear any opinions people have regarding this idea, especially who they would have wanted to see to narrate each book.

In addition to picking the narrator, I’ve highlighted what should be the “quest” so to speak of each story.  Personally, MoA, HoH and BoO are kind of a blur to me despite reading them all recently.  It’s hard to distinguish what happens in each book because it’s all one massive quest with a whole bunch of mini-quests.    While the different narrators would obviously make the books more distinctive, splitting the series into seven books would also help simplify each book’s individual goal.  Eight books would have allowed for better integration of the plot to find the physician’s cure, but with the prophecy of seven, it seemed like seven books was the best option, if I was going to be doing something as blasphemous as splitting books.   

As a note, I ran out of steam as I went so not all opinions are fully fleshed out. 

Book 1:  The Lost Hero The Quest: Rescue Hera/Juno Narrator:  Jason 

Why this would be cool: 

He is literally Juno’s chosen sent on a quest to rescue her.  It’s poetic enough to give him the book.

Jason’s journey is just as much about rediscovering himself as it is about saving Juno.   Of the new characters, I feel like I understand Jason the least. Mainly because I felt like I was missing the entire first half of his story.  Jason, like Percy and Annabeth, is a hero of the Titan War. I know some of his accomplishments, but I don’t have any bearing on what his life was like or how he felt about it.   He doesn’t seem like the type to relish Praetor-ship since he doesn’t have the same intense need to get back to his camp as Percy.  Was he just hoisted on his comrades’ shields after killing the Titan without any real choice in the matter? Give me Jason’s memories coming back slowly over the course of the quest (with potentially a fractured memory of a mistake he made in the Roman’s final Titan battle that makes him doubt their ability to both rescue Piper’s dad and save Hero but he makes the decision to anyway because he can’t just hurt his friend like that.   Let me understand how Jason is the person he is today.  Give me glances of the Roman Camp with emphasis on the heavy expectations that have always followed him as the son of Jupiter and foreshadow why he eventually chooses to design all the shrines for the minor gods so he can have his own place in the world as a figure between the two camps.

Let’s dive into those feelings of anger/guilt/resentment when people at camp are disappointed with him for not being Percy or in Chiron’s case are nervous about what his presence means. 

I want to dig deeper regarding Jason’s feelings about reconnecting with Thalia.  He knows that if the gods hadn’t been determined to keep the two camps completely separate, he could have grown up with his sister. 

What does telling the narrative like this sacrifice:  

We miss some of the internal turmoil regarding the fact that Piper’s Dad has been captured and she must betray her friends. 

We also don’t feel the tensions of Piper’s relationship with Aphrodite. I don’t see Piper bringing up the conversation with her mom saying that her mist memories were so strong because she automatically sensed the potential of a romantic relationship with Jason.  

We don’t have any of Leo’s conflicted feelings regarding rescuing Hera or his fear of being made an outcast for his fire abilities.  Jason has to go with Leo to discover Bunker 9 and Festus.  

Leo doesn’t actively save the day with the Cyclops. 

We don’t know how Piper feels about her charm-speak or see her defeat Madea (as the boys are in their weird trance thing). 

Knowledge about Gaea’s involvement in wrecking Leo’s life will come later.  

Book 2: The Son of Neptune The Quest: Free Thantos Narrator:  Hazel

Why this would be cool: 

The stakes are so incredibly high. Hazel is literally risking her second chance at life by agreeing to go on this chance.  She’s going to the place she died to fight the monster she created. She also has to deal with the trauma of knowing she may have bought the world time with her first sacrifice but it now means nothing if she can’t succeed again.  

We get to see Camp Jupiter from the view of someone who loves it but doesn’t really fit in.  Hazel joined Camp Jupiter just after the final battle.  She enters a community that has learned to fight as a well-oiled machine but that has lost people.  Dakota or the others may remark to her about how things were before or the people who are missing.  Hazel sees a community that she’s not quite a part of both because she didn’t fight in the war and because she’s in the fifth cohort with a feared godly parent.

It would explore her relationship with Nico more (because I love their dynamic and I want more).   She knows she can’t replace his real sister, but she feels comfortable and happy at the opportunity to have a brother, especially one who is out of time like she is.   

What does telling the narrative like this sacrifice:  

Frankly, the largest pushback would be from the fans who expected this to be Percy’s book since we just watched Jason rediscover who he is.

Percy’s phone call to his mom doesn’t have the same intensity.  

Frank’s relationship with Mars and how desperate he was to be claimed but now he doesn’t think he can live up to his father’s expectations.  

Frank and his grandmother.  We aren’t in Frank’s head as he changes shape till later.  

Book 3: Mark of Athena The Quest: Close the Divide Between The Two Camps by finding Athena’s statue and Rescue Nico Narrator(s):  Annabeth and Leo

Why Annabeth: 

So I can have all the emotions at the reunion with Percy.  

Annabeth’s relationship with her Mom has never been great, but imagine beginning the book with Annabeth being given the Mark of Athena. They haven’t left for New Rome yet and her nerves are already all over the place.  Then Athena/Minerva comes, gives her an impossible quest, and breaks her hat.   Annabeth wants to prove to her mother that she’s worthy because despite everything she still values her mother’s opinions.  Also her fatal flaw of hubris makes her believe she will succeed where everyone else failed.

Much of the book already follows her in third person limited so we just get things with a little extra emotion.  

Why Leo:  

Leo has to grapple with the fact he started this war by being the one to fire the cannon even if he didn’t have any control.  He is motivated to fix it

If we’re going to include the Sammy plot, we need to do it now.   Leo doesn’t like being the odd one out on the ship but he certainly doesn’t like the feeling of being notable because of his grandfather.  

We still need to get into those feelings of abandonment and anger at Gaea for killing his mom.  

Nemesis 

Leo comes into his own with the discovery of the Archimedes sphere and the decision to value people over objects.  

What does telling the narrative like this sacrifice:

The aquarium shenanigans 

The fight between Jason and Percy in Kansas needs to happen differently so that the others are present and try to stop it.  

Neither of them went ashore to meet Hercules.  

I think we might need to move up the Calypso meeting to this book, but that also kills some of the suspense since Frank will have the fireproof coating prior to his adventures in Venice when he gains faith in his abilities.  It also might mean Leo opens the fortune cookie from Nemesis unless for some odd reason he doesn’t have it.  There’s a lot more narrative weight for it coming later, but in order to get in as many book events as we can in, it might need to come earlier. 

Book 4:  House of Hades Pt. 1

The Quest: Survive Tartarus Narrator(s): Annabeth and Percy

The first time I read House of Hades, I read it out of order (reading all the Percy and Annabeth chapters until they were on the elevator out of Tartarus before going back and reading the others), because I couldn’t handle the back and forth.  I felt like the tension would build, I’d be invested in this plot and then we’d switch to the other plot. Plus I was very concerned for my children.  So I feel fully justified in saying that there is more than enough material to give the two of them their own book.

I just feel like all the feelings would be magnified.  

Percy’s commentary slowly losing its humor because he can’t anymore.

Annabeth’s guilt at having pulled him in being extra loud.  

Downsides beyond adding an entire book: Just imagine all the outrage at two cliffhangers in a row, because you know the book would end with them in the elevator remembering Bob’s words about the stars.   

Book 5:  House of Hades Pt. 2

The Quest:  Close the Doors of Death Narrator(s): Frank and Hazel

Frank and Hazel experience the most growth on the quest to close the doors so this book is all theirs.  Hazel learns to control the mist.  Frank experiments with his transformations.  I want nothing but them growing into themselves and their abilities.  

The good thing about turning the two warring storylines from House of Hades into separate books is that we lose very little plot.  

Book 6:  House of Hades Pt. 3/Blood of Olympus Pt 1 (Personally I would call this one Ambassador of Pluto)

The Quest:  Unite the Gods’ Personalities. Narrator: Nico

To clarify what I mean by HoH 3, I just mean anything done with the intention of trying to cross paths with Reyna, including the adventure with Cupid, in addition to the existing Nico&Reyna plotline in BoO.  

Nico dealing with all the emotions and his most recent near-death experience.

He kept the secret of the camps so the world wouldn’t end in chaos, but now that the world is in chaos he will be the one to fix it.  

In the short time he’s on the Argo 2, Nico realizes that even though this wasn’t his quest; this is his family and he needs to protect them.  

The reader has a pretty good idea Nico is gay, even if the word isn’t explicitly said from the descriptions (his guilty Percy thoughts - he let down the man he loves even if he won’t admit it.) This means that Cupid’s forceful outing is potentially less surprising so the reader can be properly outraged at Cupid.  

Downside: Reyna definitely has adventures when Nico is passed out, especially the whole waking up with the Hunters, but I think it’s excusable for a whole book from Nico’s perspective.  

Also, the battle between the camps and gifting of the statue needs to happen in this book, but we shouldn’t find out if the gods have regained control of their forms yet.  We alleviate some tensions because Camp Half-blood is likely to be overrun with Octavian’s monsters instead of the Roman armies and Gaea could awaken any second, but there’s an odd moment of calm and an uneasy truce.  (Octavian is potentially taken under custody to be held for trial only to escape in the next book.) 

Book 7:  Blood of Olympus Pt 2 (and the aftermath)

The Quest:  Like The Last Olympian, the final book’s focus is entirely on defeating the series’ big bad, in this case, Gaea.  Leo’s quest for the Physician’s cure parallels Percy’s River Styx visit.  

Narrator(s):  Leo and Piper

Leo has his death hanging over his head.  He has decided that he will be the one to die not any of his friends.  He got the cloth from Calypso so the “fire” portion of the prophecy applies to him and not Frank.  (Yes I know you can’t control prophecies, but do you think that’s going to stop Leo.)  

It’s the ultimate revenge for killing his mom.  We can have memories of both the happy times with Esperanza and the fear he felt for thinking he caused the fire. 

Piper’s perspective is necessary as we need to be with her during the fight with the giants.   

This series began with Piper, Leo, and Jason.  It ends that way too with the three of them killing Gaea and the two of them narrating.  

Downsides: 

The Percabeth I love you-the feud is over scene remains in Piper’s perspective.  

Since we’re not following Reyna’s delivery of the statue concurrently we don’t know when to anticipate the healed gods appearing in the battle with the giants.  

The book can still get away with not showing us Percy’s reunion with Sally or forcing Leo to tell the others he’s alive so they’re all grieving. 

[protectwoc]

The Problem with Mal (part 3/3)

The Solution

This part of the essay is where we’re going to get into more opinion based stuff rather than facts or actual analysis, so if this is where you check out I don’t blame you. But I believe that with a little reworking the Descendants franchise could have reached its full potential story-wise. This reworking centers around one general idea:

The movies would have been better if Mal had not been the protagonist. Specifically, Evie should have been the protagonist of D1, Uma should have been the protagonist of D2, and they should have co-lead D3.

To truly discuss this thesis, we’re going to have to turn some literary techniques on its head. Bear with me everybody.

To start, let’s look at one particular literary device which I find most relevant to this discussion, that of a foil. Wikipedia defines a foil as “a character who contrasts with another character, usually the protagonist, to highlight qualities of the other character… A foil usually either differs dramatically or is extremely similar but with a key difference setting them apart.” Essentially, a foil provides a “what-if?” to another character, usually the protagonist.

Evie and Uma are both foils to Mal, but of different types. Evie’s character is radically different from Mal’s on both superficial and significant levels. On the other hand, Uma’s character is very similar to Mal’s, with a few key differences that make Uma a more compelling POV character. Unfortunately, while foils are usually intended to highlight positive qualities of the protagonist, Mal’s foils serve to show us what a missed opportunity the Descendants writers had.

Let’s compare and contrast Mal with these other two characters. We’ll start with Evie.

Motivation

What is Mal’s motivation throughout D1? In part one we decided her over-arching motivation is self-interest, specifically power and opportunity. However, if we look simply at D1, we can also see a different, more charitable motivation for her: To make her mother proud.

This is particularly interesting because it is one of the few places where Mal’s character and Evie’s intersect. As we’ve already noted, Mal and Evie are starkly different characters. Evie is more traditionally feminine, more sensitive, and shows more generally positive emotions like kindness and compassion than Mal does. In the background of many scenes (such as Mal’s dragon fight with Hades on the bridge in D3), Evie can be seen checking up on the other characters and making sure they are okay. Strangely enough, even though Mal is ostensibly the protagonist/POV character, we know more about who Evie is than Mal. Evie is, for some reason, gifted a rich inner life that even the main character is not allowed. We know Evie is interested in science and fairly adept at it, she is proficient in many homemaking activities such as sewing and cooking, and she helps Ben with the legislation for the VK project. We also know that she has a strong, steady relationship with her boyfriend that does not stop her from becoming a successful businesswoman who runs her own fashion line. The viewers are not actually told much about who Mal is beside her relationship with Ben and her talent with graffiti. Oh, and her middle name is Bertha I guess.

But for all these differences between these characters, the one place that they align is their D1 goals. Mal and Evie both go into the wand-stealing plan with the intention of making their mothers proud, but even though these motivations are the same on paper, I would argue that this motivation is better handled with Evie’s storyline than Mal’s.

Consider the relationships between Mal and her mother and Evie and her mother throughout D1. Unlike Evie, Mal is actually shown as having a sometimes-positive relationship with her mother. Maleficent pays her “compliments” (see: “That’s my nasty little girl”). She tells Mal that she intends for them to rule Auradon together with “matching thrones” and “hers and hers crowns.” There is even a whole song in D1 that revolves around Mal receiving encouragement from her mother, albeit an imaginary one.

On the other hand, The Evil Queen instilled in Evie anxiety over her physical appearance and relationship status and an intense inferiority complex. The only time she pays Evie a compliment comes when they are video chatting in front of the Fairy Godmother and all of the parents are putting on a facade. In their first scene together, Grimhilda charges Evie with “just finding (herself) a prince with a big castle” and then reprimands her for laughing because it will cause wrinkles.

As a consequence of this difference in parenting styles, Evie has a much stronger motivation to impress her mother than Mal does. Every decision that Evie makes in D1 is a result of this motivation, most notably in her side plot with Chad and Doug, whereas gaining Maleficent’s approval does not factor as heavily into Mal’s decision-making process, as seen in her relationship with Ben.  

So it makes sense that given the two differing relationships between these daughters and mothers, Evie’s desire to impress her mother would be much stronger than Mal’s because she has never truly gotten it before. I’m not denying that Mal and Evie were both the victims of abusive parenting, and of course, in the real world, people respond to different levels of abuse in different but equally valid ways. However, in a Disney Channel Original Movie, a brand that is not known for its subtlety, it makes more sense that from a writing standpoint Evie has a much stronger motivation and a much higher stake in this wand-stealing plan.

Arc

If I were to ask a random Descendants fan what Mal’s arc in D1 was, what is the most likely answer I would receive? Probably that she learned to be good rather than evil, I imagine. What about Evie? Probably that she learned she didn’t need a prince to have value, or maybe not to change herself for a man. Now, based on D2 and D3, which of these characters actually fulfilled that arc?

We can’t say that Mal “learned to be good” because she never actually learned to be good. Whatever lesson Mal learned in D1 didn’t stop her from trying to magically manipulate Ben at the beginning of D2, or trying to permanently banish all the VKs to the Isle in D3. What’s the point of claiming to be on the side of good if your actions don’t corroborate that?

On the other hand, Evie experienced actual growth over the three movies. In D1, we saw her struggle to find validation somewhere other than the nearest available prince, but later learn that she could take pride in her academic capabilities and her aptitude for clothing design. In D2, she continued to build her business with support from her non-prince boyfriend, and later find a new purpose in the plights of the VKs who remained on the Isle. And finally in D3, although we saw more of her relationship with Doug, we also saw her continue to fight for the remaining VKs, building her relationship with Dizzy, and once again continuing to grow her fashion line.

Evie, unlike Mal, actually had one continuous arc with true upward growth. Now, imagine, if you will, what D1 would have looked like with the story shifted to center Evie instead of Mal. It would be a largely similar story, but with a few key changes that would enhance the overall quality.

Removing Mal as the main character of D1 would allow for some actual conflict within the group as well as outside of it. Imagine a core four, led by Evie, that features Mal as her questionably-aligned best friend/number two. Evie and the boys begin to experience doubts about the benefits of their plan, but throughout the movie, Mal remains strong, reminding them that they are “rotten to the core.” Evie is conflicted, with her innate desire to be good and love of the sanctuary Auradon provides warring with her desire to please her mother and her acknowledgment that Mal may have a point. At the finale, Evie, Carlos, and Jay make the decision to stand up for good, and Mal joins them begrudgingly but fondly. Wouldn’t that have been a better, richer conflict than the “Mal feels pulled between her evil habits and the boy she has a crush on” plotline that we got?

Evie is closer to Carlos and probably Jay than Mal is. We see this in all of her background actions, but wouldn’t it have been nice to see these relationships, and these characters, brought into the forefront of the story?

Evie’s general kindness, generosity, and dedication to doing the right thing make her a protagonist you can actually root for, but it also proves Ben’s original argument, and the argument of the whole movie, that the VKs are not predisposed to evil simply because of who their parents are. This argument rings a little hollow as the story stands because its main example is not actually a good person. With Evie in the center of this story, this theme is actually valid.

Positioning Evie as the main character also means that the next two villains of the movies are not direct results of the actions of the character who is supposed to be the protagonist.

Now let’s look at Uma, and how she compares to Mal. Uma’s character is particularly interesting because unlike Evie, she and Mal are very similar. There are, however, a few key differences that make her a more compelling protagonist than Mal

Motivation

This topic has been done to death in fandom, so I won’t dwell too deeply on it, but it’s no secret that Uma’s motivation was handled better than Mal’s at essentially every level. Uma’s story as it was shown in D2 was so well written, in fact, that I was surprised that it came out of a DCOM, and a sequel to boot. The writers did an excellent job of giving Uma a sympathetic, well-fleshed out, compelling character. The only place they fumbled was in remembering two-thirds of the way through that she was supposed to be the villain.

It is strange, however, that in a story that revolves around children finally being set free from an unfair life sentence of prison and poverty, that its villain’s motivation is to continue to liberate these children while its supposed main character actively works against this goal. It is even stranger that in D3, presumably after they saw the massive internet and fan reaction to Uma’s character and motivation, that they doubled down on this distinction instead of rectifying it.

Arc

This section was originally going to be on character arcs, but it is hard to analyze Uma’s

because she doesn’t really… have one. She doesn’t need one, because her character starts out from a place of moral superiority over Mal’s. It could be argued that in D3 she learns to work with others, but even that isn’t supported by the source material because she never actually had to learn that lesson. She already works fine with the rest of her pirate crew, the Sea Three, and even the original VKs, shown in her musical support of Evie during the “One Kiss” song, albeit with, again, a copious amount of eye-rolling. The only one she has a conflict with is Mal (for good reason) and she never truly had to learn to play nice with Mal or to amend her behavior at all because she was always in the right. That brings me to my true second point…

#umadeservedbetter/#umawasright, or, Actions

This is where we examine the actions of these two characters. On paper, Mal and Uma have very similar character traits, but the actions they take within those constraints prove them to be very different people.

Leadership

Mal and Uma are both hailed as leaders within their respective groups, to the point that there is an entire song in D3 that centers around them vying for leadership of their temporarily-combined groups. However, this comparison does not shine favorably on Mal’s leadership skills. Uma has followers because she fights for them. She works tirelessly to get them off the Isle, and then to get back to them when they are separated. Mal never shows this same care for Evie, Jay, or Carlos. When Harry struggles climbing out of the ocean during the big “It’s Goin’ Down” fight scene, Uma goes back to help him without a second thought, sacrificing her revenge in the process. Do we ever see any indication that Mal would make the same choice if it came down to her end goal vs. her friends?

2. Strategy

If you asked a random fan, they would probably say that Mal and Uma are pretty intelligent characters, and they would probably be right. Uma, however, is the only one with any tactical aptitude. In D2 Mal foolishly and callously rejects her friends’ help and goes to face Uma alone, where she is tricked into agreeing to trade Ben for the wand. Then later, Mal’s plan for how to trick Uma with the fake wand is to just “get him [Ben] out of there really fast,” which fails miserably. After that, her solution to every problem is “turn into a dragon,” which is only actually helpful one of the three times she does it. Uma on the other hand is a pretty efficient strategist. In D3 she captures Ben smoothly and only turns him back over after seeing a pretty convincing display of the fake wand’s power. In D3 every plan Uma suggests comes to fruition. In “Night Falls” she orders the group to hold the line in the back while she goes to the front, while Mal thinks they should take left and right sides, respectively. However, as the chorus and next verse start, you can clearly see that they ended up following Uma’s plan, albeit with her and Mal at the front instead of just Uma. Later she suggests that they split up and search Audrey’s dorm, which they do, and they end up finding her diary which leads them to her cottage. Mal herself acknowledges that this was a good idea. The only maybe strategically unsound decision that Uma makes (spelling Ben into falling in love with her which has historically not been successful) is a decision that Mal also made, so I can’t necessarily take points off of either one for that.

3. Choosing “Good”

We’ve already established that Mal has failed astronomically at actually, honestly, switching to the side of good, but Uma manages to start out at a higher ground than Mal and then grow from there. We see Mal pull stunts like taking candy from a baby, graffiting walls around the Isle, and kicking over the merchandise in the Isle’s bazaar/shopping center, but we never see Uma do anything like this, except maybe yell at a patron in the Chip Shoppe. She isn’t cruel to her crew for kicks; she doesn’t even throw Gil out when he calls her Shrimpy, Harry does that. Her motives have always been noble and inclusive of others besides herself. Then, we see her go through the only growth left to her in D3 when she puts her pride behind her to help Mal save Celia and defeat Audrey. We never see Mal go through this type of growth, with the possible exception of her deciding to free all the children and bring down the barrier at the end of D3… WHICH WAS UMA’S ENTIRE PLAN FROM THE JUMP OOOOOHHHH MY GOD WE HAD A WHOLE MOVIE TRYING TO PREVENT THIS VERY THING AND FOR WHAT? IS BRINGING DOWN THE BARRIER ONLY BAD WHEN UMA SUGGESTS IT? BUT NOW THAT IT’S MAL’S IDEA IT IS JUST A-OK I GUESS OOOOOHHH, MY GOD. #UMAWASRIGHT #UMADESERVESBETTER

Ahem. Anyway…

Were these movies framed differently, Evie and Uma would have been the protagonists from the start. Interestingly enough, Evie and Uma serve as foils to Mal both on a story level, and a real-world level. They serve not just as a what-if to Mal’s in-character decisions, but also as a “what if the writers had framed the story to match their writing?” Because here’s the thing, the writers knew what they were doing. They acknowledged Uma’s similarities to Mal as early as D2, with Ben’s “angry girl with a bad plan” comment, but then a few scenes later they chose to position her as a villain anyway. They knew that having Mal suggest closing the barrier permanently in D3 would position her against the rest of the VKs, particularly Evie, and they even wrote a beautiful disagreement for them that could have led to some actual growth for Evie and Mal’s characters. And then a few minutes later Evie, Jay, and Carlos have just… forgiven her, with basically no effort on Mal’s part. Most egregiously of all, they know that Mal did at the end of D3 exactly what Uma was trying to do for all of D2, and they treated Uma like a villain for it. They even have Uma’s character acknowledge this but have basically no problem with it!

This, I think, is why I had such a problem with Mal, and why it grew so aggressively. Bad writing is one thing, but bad writing that is self-aware and yet makes no motion to deal with itself is another. This is basically the end of this entirely-too-long meta/rant. I’ve never been good with conclusions, I just kind of… run out of things to talk about and deflate like a helium balloon. But if there are any points I missed, any other topics to discuss, feel free to let me know. I highly doubt anyone has actually finished this whole essay, but if you did, just know you’re my favorite person. Until next time I guess.

[aurora-daily]

Interview: AURORA

Interview by Laurie Shelly for Motley (December 3rd, 2019).

Norwegian singer Aurora talks to Laurie Shelly about writing songs to save the planet, finding power in being gentle, and lending her voice to Disney’s Frozen 2.

Aurora Aksnes grew up in a forest, because of course she did. Her family lived near Lysefjord, which translates as ‘fjord of light.’ “I miss Norway a lot,” she tells me when I talk to her in the hours before her show at Dublin’s Olympia Theatre in early November. “But I try to open my eyes instead and look out towards whatever city I’m in and focus on all the small little things that travelling can bring. But yes, I miss the silence and the trees.”

Her debut album, All My Demons Greeting Me As A Friend, was released in 2016 when she was 19, and is full of surreal images; she sees faces made of sand and thousands of black water lilies in a magical river. Some of her verses are written in a made-up language of her own. Many of her songs have an otherworldly, slightly odd quality, as if they are not the handiwork of a human but instead were found at the bottom of the sea or heard in a strange dream. The 23-year-old is widely known for her cover of Oasis’s “Half the World Away,” which featured in the 2015 John Lewis Christmas ad (that one with the man on the moon), and Billie Eilish cites her enchanting song “Runaway” as the reason she decided to pursue music.

She says her current tour feels special. “When I first started playing shows six years ago, I hated it. I thought it was really scary and pointless and stressful and unnatural for me to be on stage. But after I while, I learned why playing live is so important,” she says. “I feel like my biggest mission with doing a show is to make sure people get time off to cry a bit and close their eyes and let go and dance and know that now, for one and a half hours, we’re a part of something beautiful and good.”

Aurora’s 2018 EP, Infections of A Different Kind (Step 1), has that same objective at its heart. It tells of a utopian kingdom, or “Queendom,” as she puts it, where everyone “can feel like they belong somewhere.” This past June, she released A Different Kind of Human (Step 2). The two-part “step” situation was her way of representing how one must look inward (Step 1) before they can effectively tackle the issues she explores in Step 2, namely the climate crisis.

A Different Kind of Human balances angry, aggressive tracks with quieter, sweeter moments. In “The Seed,” she chants the Native American proverb “when the last tree has fallen and the rivers are poisoned, you cannot eat money,” while the title track, over warm, soft synths, reassures its listener that they need not feel isolated. She thinks anger and gentleness are completely linked. “Why do we have to be angry and strong, why do we have to fight? It’s because we fight for something we care about, because we’re trying to protect something, like a parent to a child, or a wolf mother to a cub. It’s about the soft core of things that we are trying to preserve.”

The music video for the album’s latest single, “Apple Tree,” is striking— Aurora cuts a Princess Mononoke-like figure against a barren landscape, covered in blood, warpaint around her eyes. She says she “always kind of co-directs” her videos because she has very particular visions about how they should be; she wanted this one to be “quite extreme.” “We are Mother Earth and we are bleeding on behalf of the world and everything in it,” she says of herself and the dancers in the video. “We’re in pain and our muscles are aching, but we have to keep on dancing for Mother Earth.” She puts a lot of thought into her music’s paratext. “I even know what colours I want to have on the live show, I think about all of it, it’s all connected.”

Aurora comes across as exceptionally optimistic. During our conversation, she talks about how humans have “failed each other,” but she always follows that up with very hopeful affirmations about things will hopefully be better “one day.”  “To even have the courage to try to win the battle against global warming you have to have so much hope,” she says. Does it ever feel overwhelming, putting so much energy into making art about a potential ecocatastrophe? “It does, but in a good way,” she says. “For me, it’s just really helpful, and, of course, intense, but in a helpful way. When I’ve made a song, I feel like I’ve crafted an impossible subject into something solid that I can sing again and again and share.”

The natural and the electronic play off each other very interestingly in her music, which hybridises imagery of rivers, animals and apple trees with the clean, sharp sounds of Scandi-pop. “For me, it’s an example of how electronic and organic things can coexist and turn into something really beautiful,” she says when I ask her about this folktronica-ish fusion. “It’s a way of saying that it’s fully possible to make something amazing when you have a balance between the synthetic and the organic.” She says she feels like her voice “comes from the ground.” “I can shout so loudly and sing for so long. It feels like I am the very organic part of my album, together with the titles of my songs and the themes and the whole spirit.”

Her voice recently caught the attention of no less an establishment than Walt Disney Studios, and she has found herself featuring in Frozen 2, the sequel to the global phenomenon that was Frozen. “Frozen is close to my heart because it’s [set in] Norway,” she says. She appears on the soundtrack’s crown jewel, “Into the Unknown” (the sequel’s counterpart to “Let It Go)” which is performed by Idina Menzel, with Aurora providing spectral backing vocals (as well as what Disney probably identified as a rootsy, authentic Nordic feel). We talk prior to the soundtrack’s release, and I am sure she has been warned by Disney bigwigs to keep tight-lipped about the song lest she let a spoiler slip. “I don’t know how much I can say,” she says. What she knows she can say is that it is “very exciting,” that “the role that voice and music have in this film is very pure and very, very inspiring,” and that “it has been a true honour to be a part of it.”

Turns out Aurora’s vocals are not merely used in Frozen 2 as harmonic ornamentation; its plot completely revolves around them. The film’s premise is that Elsa, the snow queen, starts hearing a haunting voice beckoning her northwards (it’s Aurora’s voice), and, in spite of her fear, decides to follow it. Aurora says she likes the idea of being able to reach a young audience with the song, “to be a part of young children’s lives, the warriors of the future.” Like “Let It Go,” “Into the Unknown” is a huge power ballad about embarking on a character-testing quest with a massive, stirring chorus and broadly relatable themes of release and self-empowerment. It is set to be inescapable, so you’ll be hearing Aurora around.

She says her next album will be dressed in an “armour of hardness.” “But I’m also really exploring the soft, delicate part of me, which I want to open up even more on my next album. And I’m discovering more and more things I want to be more involved in, because I’ve discovered fans all over the world who live in cultures that are unfair towards the people… I want to use my voice for something good, even though it might not matter, but at least I am there to show support.”

I am surprised she thinks her music might not matter; she has legions of fans attesting to the contrary. “I just want to release the most beautiful music I can,” she says. “I want to do a lot of things. I have three albums in mind so I’m trying to figure out which to do first.” A Different Kind of Human’s thesis could be summed up in one of its lyrics: “I know I’m just a girl, but can I change lives?” The answer is yes, and that she will keep writing songs that do just that.

[hemlock-her-loss]

Sherlock Meta - The Haunted Man and the Ghost’s Bargain

Whelp, I’m writing meta when I should be finishing my master’s thesis, so not much has changed in my life… Anyway, I delved back into TAB, because I still feel like understanding TAB is the key to making sense of S4.  I was reading about the Pepper’s Ghost illusion, and I stumbled upon a story by Charles Dickens, called: The Haunted Man and the Ghost’s Bargain, the connection being that: 

Pepper first showed the effect [Pepper’s Ghost] during a scene of Charles Dickens's The Haunted Man¹.

The story is the fifth and final of Dickens’ Christmas stories, the first and most famous being A Christmas Carol. Of course my interest was immediately piqued, because we know that Mark Gatiss has a great fascination (or obsession) with ghost stories, and particularly Christmas ghost stories. I haven’t yet read the story, so the following information is what I’ve gathered from different articles, which I’ve included links to at the end.

The protagonist of The Haunted Man is Redlaw: 

a brilliant teacher of chemistry...whose lonely existence is oppressed by a host of gloomy memories...Redlaw broods in solitude upon the pall of his misfortunes, summoning a desire to be rid of every recollection of suffering, unhappiness, and wrong that he has ever known².

Already the Sherlock similarities are pretty intense: a brooding, brilliant individual who has studied chemistry, lives a relatively solitary existence, and is haunted by memories from his past. And what exactly is the past event that so haunts Redlaw? The death of his sister in his youth.

Soon after Redlaw’s introduction in the story, he is visited by a ghostly Doppelgänger (i.e. a dark mirror, Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde type figure) comes to Redlaw and offers him the opportunity to forget all his past traumas, to erase or delete the memories if you will... While Redlaw is suspicious of the offer, he immediately jumps at the opportunity, but there is a catch: everyone who he comes into contact with will also have their bad memories erased. Redlaw is willing to accept the consequences, and agrees to the conditions.

REDLAW: If there were poison in my body, should I not, possessed of antidotes and knowledge how to use them, use them? If there be poison in my mind, and through this fearful shadow I can cast it out, shall I not cast it out?²

I find it interesting the parallels between how Sherlock and Redlaw describe their unpleasant, human emotions: Redlaw as poison to the mind, and Sherlock as the fly in the ointment, grit in the lens, or virus in the data. 

As the story continues, Redlaw begins to realize a change in his behavior and in the behavior of those around him, who have also had their bad memories erased. Redlaw is esteemed by his students, not only for his brilliance, but also his kindness towards them. This slowly begins to change as Redlaw becomes angrier at the world, and less caring for those around him. This is also reflected in the cast of characters around Redlaw, for instance the Tetterby family (similar to the Cratchit family in A Christmas Carol) who are portrayed as warm and caring toward one another in the beginning of the story, but begin quarreling and practically abusing one another after their past memories are forgotten.

Through this change, Redlaw comes to realize that the negative memories from his past, while they may have caused him a great deal of suffering, were the source of his humanity and compassion:

Redlaw, reaching rock bottom, describes himself as ‘a man without a soul, as incapable of compassion, artistic sensitivity or spiritual understanding, as the abandoned waif whose neglected short life is equally barren of memories.’ He soon regrets his decision, and realizes that personal harmony does not come from surrendering one's memory of suffering, but in reconciling it with one's joys. Redlaw learns it is best to forgive, not forget³.

Through acceptance of and working through past traumas, and forgiveness of past transgressions, an individual is able to grow as a person and become more compassionate towards others. Steven Moffat discussed how it is precisely Sherlock’s compassion which makes him the superior of Mycroft or Eurus in an interview with Vulture Magazine: 

Well, they [Mycroft and Eurus Holmes] have extraordinary mental equipment is what they’ve got, an extraordinary mental acuity. They are extremely brave, the computer runs well. Both Mycroft and to a greater degree, Eurus, cannot see value in morality beyond the idea that it is the survival strategy of a pack animal. Sherlock Holmes can. He can actually feel and experience compassion. And he is quite a compassionate, passionate man underneath it all. But that’s always been the case for Sherlock Holmes. He is claiming to be the arch-intellectual, but we all know he’s a wise old man and a hero, too. Eurus reveals the extremes of where a great brain can go without a great heart to accompany it⁴.

I would of course love to deep dive into this story and do a full blown meta, but the whole thesis thing means this is the best I can do for now. I tried looking around to see if anyone else had mentioned The Haunted Man, but I didn’t find anything, so maybe you guys can make something more of it or link to someone who has already covered this.

A quick thought though:

This definitely would confirm that Moffat and Gatiss are serious about Sherlock having a sister whom he thinks dead, and that he has erased his memory of her (as well as other memories, like the death of Victor Trevor). For me though, I still don’t take this to mean that the Eurus Holmes we encountered in S4 is actually his real sister (my money is on Rosamund Mary Holmes, but that’s a whole other meta in itself), rather his MP version of her. I still think S4 is in Sherlock’s mind palace, and what we are seeing is him bringing the past memories to the surface, which they demonstrate beautifully in TFP:

Sources: 1. The Haunted Man Wiki article https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Haunted_Man_and_the_Ghost%27s_Bargain

2. Crisis Magazine article about The Haunted Man

https://www.crisismagazine.com/2013/dickens-forgotten-christmas-tale-the-haunted-man

3. Blog about The Haunted Man

https://blog.bookstellyouwhy.com/charles-dickens-final-christmas-novel-the-haunted-man-and-the-ghosts-bargain

4. Vulture Magazine interview with Steven Moffat

https://www.vulture.com/2017/01/sherlock-showrunner-steven-moffat-the-final-problem.html“If there were poison in my body, should I not, possessed of antidotes and knowledge how to use them, use them? If there be poison in my mind, and through this fearful shadow I can cast it out, shall I not cast it out?”

[morievna]

Ni-Ti loop curse - Ugetsu’s arc and predictions

I noticed that most of fandom thinks that after chapters 27-28 Ugetsu’s story is finished. It surprised me a little since I have different opinion that in fact he will definitely play role in upcoming final arc and that him getting happy ending is still possible.

Whole Given basically

Spoilers for manga below.

1. Ugetsu compared to rest of characters

Since Ugetsu was introduced I was clearly intrigued by him, but no means I expected him grow to be my favorite character. I was rather surprised that instead of presenting him in a bad-ex trope way he got full-fleshed and nuanced. I like how he is one of mysteries of the story – at first we know that he is responsible for Akihiko views of love as painful thing and we got tidbits of theirs domestic life where they seems to be intimate but we get vibe that there is something wrong. Then we got chapter 17 and we know what went wrong and it is heartbreaking. I think it interesting choice that we simultaneously got both Akihiko and Ugetsu perspective on it and we get why it went that way. Natsuki-sensei not only spent lot of time fleshing out story from his perspective to sympathize with him and clearly puts a lot of effort in showing all emotions on his face. Compared to other supporting characters he got the most of time in manga and we get him to know relatively very well – from little information about childhood, his motivation and so on. Besides, what also distinguish him from them the most is the way he impact main storyline – he is important both to Akihiko’s as well as Mafuyu’s story, while rest orbits primarily around one character.

But what I found truly fascinating is how he is foil and contrast with rest of characters, because he is such extremum when it comes to music and relationships.

Uenoyama – he is called prodigy too; before meeting Mafuyu his life was centered only on music but it didn’t go well for him

Haruki -  totally opposite in almost everything from acting towards others, living space, views on music to relationship with Akihiko

Mafuyu – another prodigy who express feelings via music, but who wants to cultivate bonds with others

Yuki – both are dedicated to music at cost of their wellbeing and relationship

Akihiko – since he and Ugetsu are paralleled a lot with Yuuki-Mafuyu I will use Hiiragi’s quote “together, they filled in each other’s missing pieces” – in terms of character qualities and simple things as providing home and support, whose they respectively needed.

By all this I wanted to show you how his story entwines with rest of characters, so cutting him from main plot would be for me at least weird.

2. Ni-Ti loop and CAC song

To be honest I was worried that we may get negative character arc to contrast him with Mafuyu. But after rereading whole story I have more hope about this. So let’s start what is core of positive/negative character arc

“The Central Problem: This is the damaging belief your character must face to complete their arc. They may believe they’re weak or inferior to others, or they may refuse to trust anyone but themselves. This inner struggle will be confronted at the Climax and their ability to overcome it will determine if they succeed or fail in the conflict of your story.”

https://thenovelsmithy.com/positive-negative-character-arcs/

Applying it to Ugetsu he believes that being isolated from others is only way to be dedicated to music, thus pushing away others and acting inconsiderate to them.

It reminds me also of Ni-Ti loop:

“Instead of a healthy balance of introverted and extroverted functions, the INFJ becomes stuck in their introverted processes, keeping them trapped within their own mind in a seemingly endless loop of thought.

As our introverted iNtuition (Ni) ponders theories, concepts and possibilities, it feeds these ideas to our Ti which seeks facts and logic to back up and solidify these thoughts.  As it obtains this information, it feeds it back to our Ni which creates even more theories and concepts.

Each time this loop goes full circle, the thoughts become more and more radical and outlandish, pushing us further from reality and deeper into our minds.”

http://www.jennifersoldner.com/2016/02/ni-ti-loop.html

So we get Ugetsu thinking about how they chasing each other and neglecting music, then instead of talking to Akihiko about his insecurities he decided to push him away since prior to their meeting he was alone and fine this way. When declaring breakup didn’t work, he fallen further in this way of thinking and tried to discourage Akihiko by sleeping with other men. However, logic doesn’t apply well to love, so he is conflicted about his feelings constantly. So there is cycle in their relationship of pulling and pushing away resulting only in more pain and violence.

But even after Akihiko leaves him after their argument, it got even worse – he got more isolated from rest of world and depressed. His solution didn’t work at all.

During CAC we can observe that he starts to understand this. He seems to be stunned that not only Mafuyu can perform music on his level and be connected to others and Akihiko’s skill in drums got so much better thanks to Haruki’s influence.

Theoretically this could be end with him failing to change but…

CAC song is about ending and begging. It conveys that positive change is possible. I like how Mafuyu is not only referencing his experience about trauma and healing, but want to help others persons in his life and reassure them that everything will be alright. And there is this frame:

Of course it has double meaning – Mafuyu want to resonate feelings via music like Ugetsu as well as to resonate meaning of song to him.

So concluding – with the both facts that Ugetsu does no longer believe in his previous standpoint and we have positive message of the song, we can discard option that his story ends here. But what comes next?

3. 3-act structure and what it means for the story

Quoting Wikipedia:

“The three-act structure is a model used in narrative fiction that divides a story into three parts, often called the Setup, the Confrontation and the Resolution.”

For Given as whole it would look like that (image from wikipedia, little changed by me):

3-act structure is one of most common used in stories. I think it can be applied to Given too, because of the way stakes are gradually rising and evolution of Mafuyu’s songs (first one about his trauma and past love, second about positive change and final will be most likely about his feelings for Uenoyama – well technically second one mentions it too, but I think it will be explored more). For now I rather want to use that structure as tool to predict what can happen. Let’s look again at what Wikipedia says about final act:

“The third act features the resolution of the story and its subplots. The climax is the scene or sequence in which the main tensions of the story are brought to their most intense point and the dramatic question answered, leaving the protagonist and other characters with a new sense of who they really are.”

How to grow more tension?

For me the most interesting it would be instead of *insert some cliché drama* getting all main four character confronted with someone who foils all of them on both music and personal level. It would cause to challenge their perspectives, disrupt the routine and reevaluate their standpoints. In the end it would be resulting in character grow for all of them.

In less vague terms my theory is that Ugetsu will perform together with Given on debut in festival. To break Ni-Ti loop the best is interacting with people and outside world. To step out of comfort zone and leave basement.

I envision this scenario roughly like that:

Since it is very likely that Mafuyu will write new song (probably together with Uenoyama)

Then he would consult it with Ugetsu

Mafuyu would be concerned about the other wellbeing hence trying to help him the same way it worked for him in begging of the story 

Tensions during rehearsals – mainly due to Ugetsu being critical of their skills at music

After some time Ugetsu will start open towards rest of group and genuine wanting to help them performing at their the best – even if it would took some sacrifice from him (like resignation from violin competition or concert)

Thus resulting in final reconciliation with Akihiko (not necessary in romantic sense, more like healing each other wounds they caused before)

Climax at debut

Of course, maybe I went too far with this theory, but it would wrap up things nicely in my opinion. This was written emphasizing Ugetsu’s story, maybe I will expand it in relation to rest characters another time.

Finally I want to point out certain issues that would tie into this from recent chapter:

1.    Mafuyu’s hesitation about debut - his fear of taking music seriously is rooted in Yuuki’s death and Ugetsu’s story as well. As chapter 18 showed he want to learn from their mistakes and I think he is afraid of losing himself too much in music and breaking up with Uenoyama in result. In order to move forward he has to make peace with music in some sense like discussing his insecurities with certain some who embodies music basically XD

2.    Akihiko pursuing both violin and drums – these two instruments are so loaded with double meaning (drums – fun, escaping pain and violin – passion and lost dreams). But regardless if Akihiko has to choose one of them or not – pursing violin corresponds to confronting why he given up on violinist career earlier and by this confronting Ugetsu

Bonus:

Doesn’t sound it like foreshadowing?

So this is all for today. I don’t remember writing this much since my thesis – I hope it is coherent and that there is not that many errors XD If there is something unclear – feel free to ask.

[justmickeyfornow]

How do you sit down and write? Like do you write at tea/coffee shop to increase that anesthetics writer creativity? Or hole up under your blanket? I’ve been trying to write something for 2 months now without much progress. Any words of wisdom?

Boy, do I got a few tips for you!! 

These tips are mostly if you’re writing a story (but some work both ways), so if you’re writing a paper or a dissertation or something with no progress, I’ll gladly do another post for that!

Step right up and welcome to Mickey’s....

Sit Yo Ass Down And Write Crash Course

1. Tip number uno:

Never sit your ass down and write. 

Hear me out, hear me out. If you’re anything like me, then you’re probably a serial procrastinator who’s always in desperate need to just not do what needs to be done. It’s quite simple. All you gotta do is trick that damn beautiful but procrastinating brain of yours. 

How? Well, I’m glad you asked!

I actually do my best writing standing in lines! Yup! Standing in lines has written some of the most intense scenes in PI. Hospital and airport waiting areas? Yup. Lotsa writing done there! Basically, if you find yourself waiting for something, pull up your phone and start writing. Half of PI was written on the subway, on buses, or in cars. I don’t know what it is, but my brain becomes hyperactive at that point. Like I have to finish writing this scene before reaching the front of the line or else I’ll make a fool of myself in front of the pretty barista lady.

For us procrastinators, we like to find any and every excuse not to work. But when you’re not actually working and your doing something else instead, our procrastinating brain doesn’t really identify the action as writing.

Believe it or not I never actually ‘sit down and write’. I only do so when I’m editing. During the editing process, I force myself to sit down on an actual chair, in front of an actual laptop/computer screen, use an actual keyboard, and edit! It’s brutal! Makes my procrastinating brain go antsy!

2. Tip number two:

If you get an idea, stop, drop, and type!

Don’t think about it. Don’t overthink the idea. Just jot it down on your phone. I don’t care if you were talking to someone and it would be rude to do so. Because as soon as you let go of that idea and say, “I’ll write it down later” then poof! it’s gone! 

Repeat after me: STOP. DROP. AND TYPE.

3. Tip number trzy (Polish):

never write perfectly from the start. 

Write in bullet form if you have to. Or just type the idea you have in your head. The more you pressure yourself to writing something perfectly, the more you’ll forget your idea. And this works with both story writing and academic writing as well.

Writing is a lot like drawing. You start with pencil, draw the basics - dialogue, single action,  main thing that happens - then using your pencil, draw some of the details - the he said she said parts, turn the actions into full sentences with adjectives and description - then lastly add in the color - the punctuation, the indentations, and the splitting of paragraphs - and finally you have a picture.

Let me give you an example. This is a simple scene that I’m gonna write on the spot from the random phrase “There’s no space for my ice cream”. (I initially screen recorded a video for you, but then when I came to upload it, I unfortunately realized that Tumblr doesn’t allow videos on asks....)

So here you see just random dialogue. No actions even.

Then I added dialogue above it. So what you write first doesn’t necessarily mean what’s gonna come first.

More dialogue and some action.

Here I started fixing it up. Added indentations. Set a scene with Lena being in the other room and all.

And then Tada!

So, As you can see, I start with basic dialogue, just what I think they might say (it changes a lot btw). Then I add some actions. Then I go back up and write more dialogue before the dialogue I started with. Then I go ahead and indent a few lines here and there. I write the saids (Kara called. Lena answered. She said. Kara exclaimed. Kara whined). And then add in some scenery as well.

And like I said, this works for story writing as well as academic. I used to do the same thing when I needed to write a paper. I would start simple. No big words. Just somewhat of an idea of what I want to write and build up from there.

4. Tip number quatre (French):

Watch to learn. 

This means that when you’re watching something, whether it’s a movie or a tv show, learn how the characters react. Their quirks, their nervous habits, everything and anything that makes them them. I can’t count how many times I had to rewind a movie because I was too busy noticing how the main character’s eyes would linger on the coffee table in front of her before she would say something painful. Or how if a character is shoved to the ground, which body part hits the ground first. Go through scenes of movies and tv shows and learn how people behave.

Movies and Tv-shows could also help you with how a character can cope a certain way or react in a certain way. For example, I was watching this show on Netflix called “Dead To Me” and the main character, her husband was killed in a hit-and-run by a speeding car. And part of her grief was that she would jot down the licence plate number of every car that was speeding and every car that had a bump at its front. That’s a detail of a specific form of grief. You could have your own character be obsessed with finding a cure to heart attacks if their SO died that way.

5. Tip number cinque (Italian):

Use real people as reference. 

Sit in a coffee shop and creepily watch a woman sitting in the corner table. You gotta act all stalkerish here for it to work! Now pretend that it’s your character that’s sitting there. Write down the little things that the woman might do that you’ll probably never even think of if you would have written the scene at home. Like how the woman’s head jerks up when a car passes by and she watches it through the glass window. How her foot taps on the floor to the rhythm of her music. How she frowns when she spills some coffee on her sketch book. Everything. The silly faces she does to the toddler sitting in the other table.

Use real people. If you’re writing a girl who’s somewhat tomboyish, maybe go to a skateboard park or something. Go to a fancy restaurant if you’re writing a rich old lady. A library if you’re writing a college student. 

6. Tip number lix (Somali):

Don’t write in order.

I cannot stress this enough. Write bottom to top. Middle to top. Middle to bottom. Write middle to bottom to middle again to top. Just don’t do it in order. Most of the time I write a paragraph thinking this is how I’m going to start my scene and it ends up being somewhere in the middle of all the chaos! Writing in order doesn’t make sense not even in essay writing. You never write an introduction first because you need a thesis. In order to have a thesis you need to know what the hell your body paragraphs are talking about. So, you start with your body. Not necessarily the first body paragraph either.

Write whatever comes to mind and figure out the order later. Chances are, it’ll change a billion times over before you commit to one. Writing in order gives your brain stress and in turn you’ll probably get a mental block. You’re too pressured to write the opening scene of the chapter that you forget what the hell happens in the end. And you lose that excitement, that flare you have to write the scenes that you had figured out in your head. Which sucks. Because it’s nearly impossible to get that back!

Also don’t worry about how you’ll combine everything in the end. That’s for the editing process, you’re not there yet. And from my experience, things tend to come together in the end on their own so you shouldn't worry too much.

7. Tip number seitsemän (Finnish):

Details, dude! They are everything!

(This one has nothing to do with being unable to write.... I realized this only AFTER I wrote it.....)

sometimes the details have nothing to do with the main characters, but writing them helps the reader feel like there’s a world there being lived beyond the characters he or she is reading about.

It paints a picture. And in writing, it’s very hard painting a picture with a white paper and some black ink. And that’s when details come in hand.

What I like to do is I like to zoom in on the scene I’m writing. Picture the scene in your head. Let’s take for example both characters are sitting on a bench in the park. Now pretend you have a pair of binoculars and zoom in on the scene. You’ll probably see a small ladybug that is sitting on the bench between them that one of the characters noticed but didn’t say anything because they know the other person is afraid of bugs. So they carefully pick it up without letting the other person know and they place it on the other side beside them. Or maybe you’ll realize there’s some carvings on the edge of the bench. A heart with an arrow and two letters on each end. Your character will probably wonder who the letters belong to, what were their names, and whether or not she and the other person would ever carve their own letters on a bench somewhere.

Details make a simple scene of two people sitting beside one another, into a whole picture of everything around them. 

8. Tip number osm (Czech):

Do research!

Top weird things I had to do a ton of research about for my stories:

How to build a gas bomb that you could release through the ventilation system of a buildingWhat kind of metal are the batarangs made of?How to bring someone back from the dead?How much space do you need to build a rocket and is a football field enough?How high should a person’s IQ be for them to be considered ‘genius’ level of smartQuantum Mechanics and matter reconfiguration devicesintracortical microstimulation (whatever that is) and how to use it to create the sense of touch in amputee limbs

The list goes on, trust me!

But research gives you an idea of where to begin. Sometimes, you don’t even know what it is you’re writing and you get ideas from your research. Research gives your readers a realistic sense to your world. Even if it’s not real. Even if all you’ve written is fake. They don’t know that! But what they do know is that your character is hella smart and can create a device using intracortical microstimulation to help create the sense of touch in amputee limbs!

Fun fact: Watch "True Memoirs of an International Assasin”. It’s on Netflix. And it’s every writer’s nightmare. It explains just how much we writers would go for that small detail. It shows you the depths we will take to ensure we know every detail of what it is we’re writing about! Highly recommended for every writer out there!

9. Tip number dokuz (Turkish):

If you’re stuck, act it out!

Yup, you heard me! Get yo ass off that chair and start practicing for your next Oscar because you’r gonna act out the scene you wanna write. Say your character just entered her house and called out to their spouse without a response. Go inside your own house and start jotting down the details of what you see. Your character will probably notice the lack of shoes. How the kitchen light isn’t turned on. Or the hum of the dishwasher not present. No keys in the bowl. All small things that they slowly realize before actually realizing that no one was home.

Acting also gives you ideas on how someone would react. Walk into your own house and imagine finding out you’ve been robbed. All your stuff is everywhere. Now, realistically - and I mean really really realistically - you wouldn’t freak out. At least not physically on the outside. You wouldn’t start jumping and shouting and go looking in your room if your cash is gone.

Because your brain needs time to process. You would have questions. Lots of them. Is the thief still here? Should I call the police? No, what if this is a prank. Is this a prank? Who would prank me like this? Your eyes would go around the room, noting down all the details there. The broken glass, the opened drawers, the thrown pillows. Use your own surroundings to imagine what a robbed place would look like.

10. Tip number umi (Hawaiian):

Always remember, each character is different.

(Realized this one also has nothing to do with being stuck and not being able to write and more to do with character writing... I think I went off topic....)

I always find stories where all the characters are practically written the same way. The dialogue is really generic. Because the writer isn’t really imagining as each character being a separate entity. They’re all characters of a story to them. The way one character talks is often if not always never the same way another character talks. AND a certain character will talk differently depending on who they’re talking with.

Give each of your characters certain attributes or quirks that they add to their dialogue. Like how the more sophisticated one chooses to say ‘darling’ instead of ‘babe’ or how one of them speaks in short and concise sentences having served time in the army and taught that each word counts. I know this tip isn’t that important, but I’ve seen a lot of writers do this mistake where all the dialogue is the same. And that’s because they’re trying so hard to move the story along that they forget that they need time for the characters to react and process differently.

Similarly, make sure that you know that each character reacts differently. I’ve fallen into this mistake several times actually to be honest. This one time I wrote a whole scene where I had Lena be super happy about something (can’t remember what it was) with someone she wasn’t too close with and then I remembered that she’s more reserved than Kara. She less trusting so she rarely shows her genuine side to others unless she knows them to be worthy or good. She’s not too open so she wouldn’t show her happiness by jumping around and screaming with joy. Whereas Kara! Oh, Kara! She would hug the mailman when she would be happy! And she’s probably best friends with her pizza delivery guy! Had to do multiple rewrites whenever I would do that mistake.

11. Tip number vienuolika (Lithuanian):

Drink Green Tea.

Repeat after me: Drink. Green. Tea.

No explanation necessary. Tea is life.

[uncivilengineering]

What Kind of Two Years Has it Been

At the end of an experience, and therefore a blog, I usually write a reflection on the experience. The Master's programme ended six years ago and due to life and procrastination and other excuses, I'm finishing this blog only now. But this delay has its advantages, because I know how the story ends and I can tell you what happened to the characters. So maybe, for the first time, this is truly an epilogue.

The journey to this program started in 2012. I was living in Germany and working as a consultant. I always knew I wanted to work first before continuing with any kind of education, because toward the end of undergrad, I had classes with grad students and the ones who had work experience before going back to school seemed to bring more to the experience from applying what they learned from the real world. As I researched Master's programmes, I focused my search in Europe because I was still paying off the loans for my Bachelor's degree. I Googled another program when the MIND programme turned up in the results. After a process of applying, obtaining references, phone interviews and traveling to Munich from Stuttgart to take the GRE in Germany (really), even though this is Europe, the choice came down to Humboldt University in Berlin, with a scholarship from the DAAD, and the MIND programme, with a scholarship from the European Commission. (Lappeenranta University of Technology in Finland takes a close third because I had a really, really pleasant scholarship interview with a very pleasant young man and sometimes I think about how my life might be different if I went there and studied Innovation Management instead.)

I'm sure there was a long decision process and I'm sure I spent a lot of time thinking about it, like most decisions. This all took place eight years ago and I cannot remember the salient details. But I can imagine that I felt like it was time to leave Germany, even though I love (LOVE) Berlin, and the appeal of having an adventure in two countries (I didn't yet know that Asia was on the table) was great. So I gave notice at the consulting firm, said goodbye to my friends in Stuttgart, (wrapped up my last performances as a roller skating Greek muse in the local military base's production of Xanadu - that's real) and moved to Sweden.

In the two years that ensued, I met the best people, took wild risks, had the best time, made my dreams come true and had the adventure I sought. I lived.

I lived in Sweden for a year and was inspired by their example of how to treat guests in your country. I had a job interview in a sauna in the winter and learned what gender equality in society might actually look like. After an application process, I had the opportunity to spend a semester in Thailand. In Thailand I learned how to get from the university to town (Bangkok) and back again. I hosted a cultural show that lasted for eight (or more?) hours. I felt closer to my mom than I had ever understood before. C pointed out that after the midterm exams, I have sat for exams on three continents. I celebrated my birthday at a German brewery in Bangkok. I saw Angkor Wat after the semester ended. I went to all the Disneylands in the world (at the time...back then, there were only 11 parks). I didn't stay long in Austria, but I was there long enough to experience a Buschenschank and run into visa problems. I also saw Carousel and Cabaret in German, and puzzled as to why it was an hour longer than Cabaret in English, which I saw soon after on Broadway. In Glendale I lived in a conference room turned into an ad hoc intern bullpen for four and a half months writing my thesis. I saw things I had been nearby my entire life but never dreamed of seeing in reality.

Blogs are cheesy and navel-gazey but I am glad I did it. I am glad that this and the Germany Part I blogs exist. Sometimes I will look at an old post because someone asked for a travel recommendation (for example), and I will discover something that I forgot. I didn't remember that I was contacted by Swedish public radio to talk about the 2012 United States election. I forgot I had this conversation at NASA JPL about living in Germany. So what's the moral of this paragraph? If you can't blog, at least journal. You think you will remember the exciting things that happen in your day to day life but the truth is, you won't. I am proof!

What happened to everyone? Some stayed in Europe. Some went home. Some went home in Europe. Some got married. Some had babies. Some moved to Amsterdam. Many stayed in Sweden. When I left C, she wanted to stay in Italy. She has since worked her way up to an awesome job at a major company and had a baby! A has moved and is engaged to be married! I was happy to attend C's wedding in Ankara in 2015. I was happy to attend Z's wedding in Czechia last year, and to see my friends again at both.

What happened to me? I accepted an internship in Florida where I spent about five years (and made a bunch of new friends and had a bunch of good times) before moving back to the country where I left when this all started. To be honest, I never expected to be back. Not in this country. In 2017, I was fortunate to attend my class reunion in Leiden; it was also the celebration of the closing of the program. They invited all alumni back to watch the last class graudate. I met the newest generations of the program and saw a lot of old friends. It was just like old times. I came to the first afternoon of the organized program. I thought we would observe the new kids doing their work. No. We kicked off with a case exercise and divided into groups to discuss and then present our results. Our groups consisted of current students, alumni, professors and mentors. In Europe, we are all equal. It was just like old times.

The rest of the program consisted of lectures, discussions and watching the final presentations of the graduating class. Before I left for this trip, I joked that my master programme was ending because it lost funding (truth) from the European Commission because of Brexit (also true but I didn't realize it until I got there and they confirmed that Brexit was one of the factors that cut funding to the programme). There was a party the final evening. In the way that we do. I remember telling all my friends that it would be a very long time before I will see them again. I couldn't foresee an immediate excuse to get to Europe and hang out with them. The day I returned to work in Florida from the trip, I received an email about joining a project that is based in Germany. If I chose to accept this mission, I would have to move to Germany for a period of time. What.

I learned later that, basically, someone found out that I know German. (I promise that I have other skills.) When I was in high school, if you told me I was going to move to Germany, I would have said that you're crazy. I was just this nerd who went to Space Camp and really liked The West Wing and Saturday Night Live. If you told me I was going to move to Germany twice, I would have said, "Then why did I spend all this time learning Spanish?" (among other questions) I know that's true, because I did ask myself that in the first two months of intensive language school in 2010. But the truth is, Germany made things happen for me. When I talk to young people who (for some reason) ask for my advice, in addition to telling them to "follow your dreams," I also tell them the story of how moving to Germany (the first time) changed my life. (And then I tell them why so they know I'm not exaggerating.)

I couldn't refuse. I'm back in Germany. I'm working on getting better at German.

I should have seen this coming. The fall I moved to Sweden in 2012, I came back to Germany to celebrate Thanksgiving. During my Swedish spring, the squad from Germany came to visit Sweden and I put in my tea and hairspray requests (from dm, of course). After my thesis defense in 2014, my first destination was Nuremberg to see E, then on to Quakenbrück to wait with C who was finishing her defense. I attended S's wedding in Leipzig in 2015. I went to Oktoberfest in Munich in 2016. The point is, I cannot stay away from Germany. This is evident and not a surprise.

So far, I have been fortunate that this opportunity has allowed me to meet up with so many friends. A and M are in Amsterdam and have introduced me to Y and T, who are also in the MIND network. S is back in Oslo from Thailand. A is in London. S has moved from Stuttgart to Berlin. A and P and B and K and E are in New York. I still cite the meal in Haarlem (note that's Haarlem in the Netherlands, not Harlem, but I can see why you might be confused because I just mentioned New York) as the best I've ever had and J told me that the restaurant has received a Michelin star since 2014 when we were there so now it's overpriced and overrated. So funny! At Z's wedding in Czechia last year I was happy to reconnect with A, B and M. Everyone else, I'm coming for you! (And I mean that in the creepy way!)

What's going to happen next? Let's find out! Thank you for reading and joining the adventure.

Good night, have a pleasant tomorrow and see you in the future!

Lauren

[radrush]

give YOUR nge thoughts

this is gonna be super filled with spoilers in case any of my followers still haven’t seen this show for some reason

haven’t heard of it | absolutely never watching | might watch | currently watching | dropped | hated it | meh | a positive okay | liked it | liked it a lot! | loved it | a favorite probably my favorite show ever

don’t watch period | drop if not interested within 2-3 episodes | give it a go, could be your thing obviously it’s very intense and the lore is very confusing but it’s so worth what it demands | 5 star recommendation I've watched nge numerous times but it’s just one of those shows that’s filled with such detail and rich characterization that I seemingly find new things to consider every time I watch it

fav characters: Asuka is the neurotic queen and is probably the most entertaining character to witness on screen because of it but it also makes her the series’ most tragic character in my opinion. While she ultimately faces the same existential conundrums as Shinji (a sense of loneliness and isolation caused by lack of familial support, an anxiety created by a lack of assurance in one’s own purpose that contributes to low self-worth, and a fundamental difficulty with relating to others honestly because of these factors), unlike Shinji she has a variety of coping mechanisms to deal with these issues which give her the appearance of functionality but which are ultimately unsustainable and don’t allow her to be honest with herself about her real emotions, precisely because they work to repress the emotions that are too painful for her to feel fully. In an attempt to overcome feelings of worthlessness caused by her family’s rejection of her, she throws herself fully into the role of Eva pilot, turning her abilities as a pilot into a structural pillar of her self-worth which comes crashing down when Shinji proves himself to be as capable as pilot as her. She also acts rudely and boisterously in an attempt to avoid rejection, pushing people away from her before they have a chance to get close enough to understand who she really is and then reject her afterwards. This is also why Asuka is NOT a tsundere as so many people claim. Her coldness and “high and mighty” attitude are not borne out of an embarrassment with her “true feelings” of friendship or romance towards Shinji, but are rather a defense mechanism that she uses to protect herself from the pain of intimacy. Her open displays of disgust towards him are not an act which she uses to hide a secretly harbored positive view of him, she actually just hates his guts. She’s all tsun and no dere.

Shinji is a character whose experiences highly resonated with me when I first watched the series as a teenager but I feel like even if i didn’t heavily relate to his emotional struggles I would still end up talking about him here because ultimately the series is focused on his struggle to define himself on his own terms and through his relationships with others. Because Shinji lacks the dysfunctional coping mechanisms that Asuka has come to adopt, and instead has a tendency to turn inward and engage in torturous processes of reflective self-deprecation when he feels emotionally challenged it makes sense that he would be the focus of the show’s thesis on relational psychology. As a sensitive boy with a great deal of familial trauma, Shinji is intimately familiar with the emotional havoc that humans can wreak on each other in their relationships. Not wanting to have to deal with the burden of this pain any longer, he is constantly running away from his commitments because he views his relationships with others not as potential sites for growth and self-fulfillment but as avenues which only lead towards greater feelings of pain and misery. You can hardly blame him for feeling this way because of what he experiences before and during the series, but ultimately he must learn as a part of his growth process that while his relationships with others contain the possibility of greater pain, to live a fulfilling life it is imperative to look past the possibility for pain in order to find the hope for meaning and love that makes life worth living. Shinji’s story teaches us that as long as we remain true to ourselves and are cognizant of our own emotional needs in our relationships, there is no need to live in fear of the pain that others might deliver upon us out of their own wounding.

In many ways Misato behaves like a grown-up, more apparently functional version of Shinji. While she is more readily able to form emotional bonds with others, these bonds are often entirely surface-level, as evidenced by her preoccupation with appearances (wearing flashy clothes, driving an expensive sports car, introducing herself to Shinji in the way she does). The dichotomy between her clean, confident exterior persona and the slobbish, lazy way she lives when removed from the gaze of others reinforces the idea that while she behaves a certain way in order to be comfortable in social situations, she is inwardly insecure and deeply troubled by how her attempts at meaningful relationships have turned out, having never been able to reconcile her relationship with her father before his death and having run away from her relationship with Kaji when his presence caused those unreconciled emotions to rise to the forefront of her psyche. I also love how the Jet Alone episode frames her lifestyle in two drastically different ways. At the beginning of the episode we see her guzzling beer and eating instant ramen for breakfast in her gross apartment and react to those behaviors according to the humorous and quirky surface-level reading of them that the show gives us, but during the episode itself we see her forced to deal with the stupidity and recklessness of others in her profession as well as the unique challenges she faces in those situations because of her femininity, on top of seeing her take responsibility during a life-threatening situation when no one else will, causing her to undergo a near-death experience. After all of this, the narrative comes full circle and we see her again the next morning in her gross apartment, chugging an entire can of Yebisu and realize how much her lax lifestyle choices are really shaped by the kind of emotional stress she is forced to deal with on a daily basis and a need to have a space where she can be unconcerned with those stresses.            

I like how although Ritsuko treats Misato as her equal in their personal relationship and they’re both at the same professional level, being heads of their respective branches of NERV, from the very first episode it’s clear that Ritsuko’s knowledge of the Evas and and the true purposes of NERV far surpasses Misato’s. As Misato begins to understand the amount of classified information that Ritsuko has access to and refuses to share with her their relationship effectively deteriorates until Ristuko can no longer shoulder the burden of her knowledge on top of her increasingly strained relationships with both Misato and Gendo and she essentially self-destructs.

Kaji is kind of a sexist jerk but he’s also the only character in the text who can operate as a positive male role model for Shinji because of how selfish Gendo is and it’s ultimately his advice to Shinji throughout the series but especially in episode 19 and the run up to it that spurs Shinji to take action instead of continuing to be a bystander while Rei and Asuka fight for their lives. I also like him because he’s a truth seeker. He does the bidding of Selee and Gendo because doing so allows him to get closer to the truth behind Selee, NERV, the Evas, the angels, and human instrumentality, and he eventually pays the ultimate price for his pursuit of knowledge.

least fav characters: I guess I'm supposed to say Gendo because he’s such a dick but even if he’s a shitelord he’s still a well developed character–consistently narcissistic and self-serving, only treating others as means to ends, not at all capable of the emotional vulnerability required to actually really love, although maybe he possessed it at one point in the past. He’s evil as fuck but ultimately a good character. I love how the first time we see him smile is when he gives the order to launch unit-01 it’s so good and makes me hate him so much.

Ritusko’s mom, Naoko, is like probably the only character in the show that i think is written poorly like it’s honestly just stupid to me that she would be so in love with Gendo and so heartbroken over him that she would literally kill Rei I and then herself over being taunted about the fact that Gendo didn’t really love her and was just using her but i guess bitches just be crazy amirite fellow redditors. Literally what is so great about Gendo that all these women keep getting involved with him?? Like for the credit you can give Anno for writing really interesting women in this series, he still is a bit of a sexist and it’s not just with Naoko.

fav relationship: Asuka and Shinji obviously have one of the most interesting dynamics in the show from the first time they meet. We know they’re not bound to get along well since Shinji is pretty reserved and not very confident and Asuka is incredibly boisterous and all too full of herself and in fact resents Shinji for his lack of self-worth and motivation. All of this is compounded by the fact that the source of Asuka’s massive self-esteem is her ability to pilot the Eva, a task at which she continually finds herself upstaged by Shinji, who at the same time can’t seem to decide whether piloting the Eva is something he even wants to continue doing. In episode eight she’s amazed when Kaji tells her that Shinji was able to sync with Unit-01 without ever having been inside it before but when Kaji brings it up again when all of them are together and openly praises Shinji’s “natural” capabilities as a pilot, Asuka is embarrassed and takes his praise of Shinji as an injury to her self esteem because being the greatest Eva pilot is so central to her self-identity. She vents this embarrassment by taking it out on Shinji, who meanwhile can’t help the fact that he has a natural ability to do this scary and dangerous thing he’s barely done before and doesn’t at all know what to do with Asuka’s frustration towards him. Rei operates as a kind of foil to this dynamic (is it still a foil if its three ways instead of two?) because she possesses very little of her own will in the early part of the series and merely pilots the Eva because it’s her designated purpose in life, what she was literally born to do. As all three of them grow through the relationships that they navigate with each other and the adults in their lives, these motivations, self-definitions, and reasons for being shift and evolve, are built up and broken down, and ultimately remain in flux because that’s just how that shit is

Shinji and Kaworu I obviously hold very close to my big gay heart because of how touching it is to see Shinji love and be loved by another boy but that being said their relationship is very intentionally one-dimensional because of the fact that Kaworu is less of a human character and more of a character representation of the abstract concepts of hope and love themselves. From Kaworu’s perspective too, his relationship with Shinji is just as much about knowing and loving Shinji as it is about knowing and loving humanity as a whole. Because Kaworu isn’t human, he doesn’t have any emotional needs or trauma which might preclude him from loving Shinji or make it difficult for Shinji to love him, which is why he appears to Shinji when he does: when Shinji feels most abandoned by those he feels he has tried and failed to form emotional bonds with and is in most dire need of someone who will attempt to understand him as he is trying to understand himself. In loving Shinji in the selfless, needless, and unconditional way he does, he gives Shinji hope that real love and real human connection are things that exist out there in the world for him to experience, even if his relationship with Shinji is only an idealized version of that. When Shinji is forced to kill Kaworu in order to save himself and humanity, this hope is momentarily shattered and by the next episode we realize that this has caused Shinji to lose his will to live, although ultimately Kaworu’s death is necessary not just for plot reasons but also because Shinji must eventually come to realize that while he can be in love and find meaning in his relationships with others, he can’t expect any other person to love him so selflessly the way Kaworu did because that’s simply not a reasonable thing to ask of another human being with their own emotional needs and trauma and baggage. In addition to his qualities of magnanimous selflessness, as a divine being in a mortal vessel who ultimately chooses to sacrifice himself to ensure the fate of humanity, Kaworu also operates as a sort of messiah figure within the narrative of the series. The fact that his love for Shinji is representative of his love for all humankind and that Shinji’s love for him is a reflection of the timeless and ephemeral concept of love itself, and the fact that Shinji must also bear the guilt of killing one he loved for the greater good of saving the souls of humanity also puts them squarely in the midst of a Judas/Jesus dichotomy.      

fav moment: the direction in this show continues to amaze me and  just the choices in the first two episodes alone are so fuckin awesome like I love how episode one ends on a cliffhanger and episode two begins with shinji recovering from the battle, completely skipping over the action and having us only deal with its fallout before finally getting to see how it unfolded when shinji is alone at night and has a moment to reflect on what he witnessed. also the shot during the battle flashback when the armor falls off of unit-01′s face and shinji looks out from the entry plug and sees the true reflection of the eva in the building next to him knocks me on my ass every single time.

in episode one when shinji gives misato the letter that his father sent him and its creased as shit and the whole thing is redacted aside from the words “shinji, come”

whenever gendo’s glasses reflect the massive screens in the command center

rei smiling after she and shinji defeat ramiel and he opens the entry plug hatch

“You’re just as much a kid as I am”

When Ritusko hacks into a human brain and honestly just the whole Magi design has such a killer aesthetic i don’t even know what to call it its like cyberbiomechanicalpunk but the cyber tech isn’t futuristic it’s like 1995 technology complete with ribbon cables on the keyboards

“You apologize to people as a reflex, so that you won’t have to confront them” “I’m sorry”

Literally everything about episodes 19-24

THE ELEVATOR SCENE

“I loved him too”

When Asuka synchronizes with unit-02 at the bottom of the lake in EoE and the whole fight with the eva series

Why not just say all of EoE cause holy shit

headcanons/theories: As far as the lore itself is concerned, it feels like there aren’t that many mysteries that haven’t been explained either through actual dialog in the show or peeks into what was left on the cutting room floor, it can just be hard for first time viewers to wrap their heads around it all because of the convoluted way it's presented in the show and how everything has dramatic biblical names (which do have meaning for the record, anyone who says all the religious symbolism in eva is fake deep is not paying close enough attention. the constant use of the latin and greek crosses in explosions and in various design elements like lilith’s crucifix are obviously not always rife with distinctly religious meaning but I already talked about how Kaworu is literally a messiah figure so give me some credit here). When I do see shit on youtube like “the 26 timelines of evangelion explained” though it just makes me roll my eyes. Also I think that the lore is really cool and well developed in general but a lot of it is somewhat tangential to the real dramatic meat of the series which consists of the development of the characters and their relations to one another so it is kinda lame to me that the popular view of the series for so long was focused more on the mysteries of the super weird convoluted world building than on the exploration of humanity that makes the show what it is although that might have changed now that more people have dipped their toes in the series with the netflix localization

one thing I’ve been thinking about recently is rei’s ghostly appearance to shinji at the beginning of episode one which I believe to be connected to the ghostly appearances she makes in EoE to the dead and soon-to-be sublimated (or i guess more accurately, liquified) NERV staff after she merges with lilith and ultimately to her final appearance to shinji floating above the lcl sea at the end of the film. All of these appearances are made by the rei that merged with lilith during EoE, even the one in episode one. This is possible because after merging with lilith, rei becomes a being with quantum characteristics, able to exist everywhere on earth at once to collect the souls of all humanity and gather them together. Since it’s also heavily implied that rei is a vessel for the soul of lilith in the same way that kaworu is a vessel for the soul of adam, this is likely lilith’s “true form,” having finally reunited her body with her soul. To those still alive for this process, she appears to them as a manifestation of their heart’s desire, bestowing upon each soul a momentary embrace of hope that will last a lifetime. This is what Gendo understood about instrumentality from the beginning and was always his plan to be able to see Yui again. I think rei’s final gift is also sort of a riff on modern scientific explanations for the experience of heaven, how we now understand that the chemicals that are released in your brain when you die can give you a euphoric experience that some might be inclined to interpret as heaven-like. But anyway, since rei no longer has to obey the laws of time and space, and she makes it a point to make a final appearance to shinji in her quantum form at the end of the film it feels right that she should choose to go back and make a first appearance to shinji to signify the beginning of the end as it were. After all, “the beginning and the end are found in the same place.” Anno himself has told us that “eva is a story that repeats” with reference to the pervasive visual and verbal self-references that are prevalent throughout the series and I think this is perhaps one of the most shining examples of that repetition.

Related: Also a fan of the theory that Gendo’s last words to Ritsuko were “I need you.”

unpopular opinion: Episodes 25 and 26 provide the necessary(?) conclusion to the show’s thesis on human relationships which make them more or less key to understanding how those ideas are present in the work as a whole but the last time I re-watched the series I skipped them and went right to EoE because that’s the better dramatic experience and also I think EoE works to wrap up the ideas from the show, albeit not as cleanly and moralistically.

this is also probably a popular opinion but the rebuild movies fucking suck. they completely gut like half the thematic content from the original series and they even feel bland visually at times like everything is so glossy and shiny i like the saturation, contrast, and thicker line art of the original series way more. literally there’s only one good part per movie in the first one it’s ramiel in the second one its the aquarium scene in the third one its piano kaworu and that’s it. I can hope the fourth movie isn’t completely gutless but i can also set myself up for disappointment but if evangelion teaches anything it’s that we can’t let the fear of disappointment or sadness bar us from seeking the joys and loves that life has to offer us so i’ll see y’all again in 2020 i guess

random thoughts:

[writcraft]

2018 Fandom Reflections

I’m going to do a year in review list of fics and answer tags on some of the memes floating around, but I’m waiting until January when a few anon fics in fests are revealed as I’d really like to include those in my ramblings. This is more a personal take on some reflections I’ve had on fandom - and my place and activity within it - over the course of this year.

On a personal level, real life work and fandom as a hobby have intersected this year for me like never before, and the combination of taking on multiple commitments to academic publishing, grappling with the demands of my thesis and moderating and participating in multiple fests has been a lot. I’ve had something of a rollercoaster year, but I’m ending 2018 feeling creatively inspired, happy, and energised for another active fandom year. Thank you to everyone who has been part of it and those friends new and old that have been instrumental to shaping my year and pulling me out of the funk I was in at the beginning of the year.

Some key lessons I’ve personally learned in 2018 below the cut to save your dash from my GIANT WALL OF TEXT.

All At Sea: I think of my relationship to fan spaces sometimes as a bit like being out at sea. It’s easy to get caught up in the current and drift along, but the tide is always turning and there are unexpected storms which make staying afloat more challenging at times. Sometimes it can be exhausting when you feel as though you’re swimming against a strong current and making no progress, but on other occasions you find a spot where you can swim, choose your own direction, do handstands in the water and it’s exhilarating. This year I learned it’s okay to get out of the sea sometimes, to push your toes in the sand, feel the sun on your face, and just enjoy watching the waves. Have a cocktail with friends at the beach bar, chill the fuck out, basically. From starting the year feeling in something of a fandom funk, I’ve got to a place at the end of this year where I feel very positive about fandom and grateful to share a space with so many brilliant, talented, supportive people. 

Burnout and Information Overwhelm: This year, the burnout has been real and I’ve worked out that the platforms I’m operating on contribute a lot to that feeling of mental exhaustion. Using my mobile for fandom activity, having more time than ever at my personal laptop instead of an office computer which restricted me from accessing fan platforms and ramping up my use of Tumblr, Twitter, WhatsApp and Discord for fandom activity created a kind of information overwhelm that comes with high speed interactions and heightened the sense of needing to be present, or to offer opinions as part of fast-paced interactions requiring quick thinking, and sometimes knee-jerk responses. With this came the suspicion and bitter taste caused by anonymous messages cropping up in the inboxes of me and my friends, and it felt at times as though I was constantly logged on and in a state of hypersensitivity. I’ve learned that stepping back from things and learning to balance time spent online with time spent offline is an important part of self-care and it’s okay to be absent for a while. If conversations are draining, leave them. If you see opinions you don’t like, ignore them or try to understand them. They are just opinions - and I mean opinions on characters, canon, fandom and so on as opposed to political opinions that actively seek to harm people. Everyone has different perspectives on things. There really is room for everyone. Regarding anonymous messages, if the only way someone wants to interact with you is via crappy anonymous messages, I’ve learned they are not worth your time, effort or mental energy. Interacting only brings more attention to them. Delete, block, move on. Fuck ‘em. If you want to talk to me, do it off anon. If I’ve upset you with my actions, tell me. Let’s have a proper, adult conversation. 

Look for the Rainbow: Fandom spaces are communities which form around peoples passions. They are places of brilliant creativity but the things we love have a tendency to give rise to extreme emotional responses. I’ve veered from extreme highs to extreme lows and this year I have learned the importance of finding a balance that works. I think a relentlessly positive, non-critical approach can be just as stifling as a culture of intense negativity and constant division, but having said that when I’m having my storm cloudy moments I’m trying to focus on the rainbow. Wallowing in bad feeling tends to nurture and cultivate that sense of dissatisfaction until it becomes suffocating. There’s a tremendous amount of good in fandom space. Good people, good ideas, tireless effort, incredible organisation, passion, creativity and vibrancy. There’s a huge amount to feel positively about and whilst I would never advocate for a laissez faire, entirely non-critical approach, I also think everyone has their own capacity for critical thinking and the way those thoughts can permeate and shape our whole experience of fandom and - by extension - influence our creative abilities. I’ve learned to focus more on the things I get out of fandom that make me happy, to retain a critical eye on things as I always will given the nature of my research, but not to allow the critical to obscure the many positive things about fandom. 

Evaluating Self-Worth: I’ve really tried in the latter part of this year not to measure myself or my worth by external metrics of success. The kudos, the hits, the number of followers, the amount of positive interaction over anonymous messages, the posts I’m tagged in, the hype, the rec lists I’m on or not on, and so on. Comparing yourself to other people can lead to resentment and frustration or to an inflated sense of self-importance. It says a little something about how I started the year that I thought I want to grow my tumblr and write a really successful fic, and thought I would know if I had accomplished that by feedback and response. I’m actually quite embarrassed to admit that because I think it makes me look like a dick, and I’m super pleased with the support my fics get in any event, but I wanted to share it because I think it’s important in terms of this lesson I’ve learned this year. I went from a place of being very focused on external measures of success to ending this year realising that my most successful stories have been the ones I’m proudest of and they are not the ones with the most hits or kudos. Those are the stories that I enjoyed creating the most, and the ones that left me feeling incredibly positive and proud at the end of this year, looking forward to the next year in fandom and planning projects that I already know won’t be the most popular, but they are the ones I’m creatively excited about and inspired by, so those are the ones I should be focusing on. Despite its resistance to corporate structures, there’s something very capitalist about the way we can sometimes be lured into evaluating self-worth in fandom, and those structures are embedded within fandom itself. They won’t go away, but focusing on them doesn’t half make me unhappy. 

Support Other Creators: It’s easy to let negative feelings overwhelm the way we interact with one another in fandom. One of the most important lessons I’ve learned this year is that you get back what you put in. Through supporting other creators you build friendships formed around shared creative passions and interests. You feel pride in your friends accomplishments. You improve your own work by reading widely, cheerleading, editing, beta reading, alpha reading, brit picking. Writing can be a lonely endeavour but it doesn’t have to be that way when you’re part of a community that uplifts others. 

Treat People With Kindness: Not everybody has the same levels of confidence or the same energy for rigorous debate. We all have days where we feel like we could crack into pieces, where we feel lonely, invisible, anxious, excluded, unhappy or fragile. It’s easy to be brave behind a computer screen, but ultimately people on the other end are going through stuff in the same way we all are. I’m making a concerted effort in 2019 to engage patiently and respectfully with opinions I disagree with and to be open to anyone who wants to chat or talk through things. I want to work on building new friendships (yeah, I’m going to slide into your DMs, like hiiiii :D) and maintaining old ones, ensuring I give back the same energy and support I get from friends so they know how appreciated they are. I started this year thinking Tumblr required a level of saltiness and a dgaf attitude that’s never been me, honestly. The lesson I’ve learned this year is to resist going along with the pile and to stop and think before engaging. For some people that might seem like an annoying attempt to sit on the fence and please everyone which is never going to happen, but to be honest I think it’s all about finding what works for you in that regard. I’m here for the hot takes and the salt at times, but tbh it’s pretty much just not me. Even when I’ve responded heatedly to an anonymous message that thoroughly deserved it, it’s felt performative and weird and I’m just not going to do that anymore. 

If you made it this far, thank you for reading! If you ever want to chat fandom thoughts then I’m always open to that and hope everyone has a very happy 2019!