#and whom I still have panic attacks about seven years later

[bedlamsbard]

man, I would love to say something nice and heartfelt about the Rebels ten year anniversary, but the ending of the show screwed me up so badly that it permanently destroyed my relationship with Star Wars and fucked up my entire interaction with fandom as a whole, so like, I love the show, but I simply cannot. may I recommend having a normal relationship with your fandom because this sucks. it's been years and I frankly would love to not be dealing with this anymore but as you know. alas. brains.

[phoenixglacier]

Archon Quest Chapter I: Rewritten

(Part of my Genshin Impact Headcanons (things that blatantly go against canon but I’m pretending at true) series.)

Hi guys I really hated the Liyue Archon quest, but I don’t want to because Liyue really doesn’t deserve that. So I mixed it up a little to fix the main problems I had with it.

In this post:

Ningguang is the Geo Archon and Liyue’s Archon. She is “Morax”, with “Ningguang” as her modern name. Details such as Morax being of the original Seven and writing contracts with all adepti applies to Ningguang.

Zhongli is only an adeptus, not the archon, at any point. His original and official name is “Rex Lapis”, with “Zhongli” as the name that he’s using as a mortal.

Mainly, I wanted to remove Zhongli from the position of Liyue’s Archon entirely, because I his character is much more likeable that way (to me).

I’ll be marking parts that are the same as the original version with a *.

So, here’s how I would have the storyline play out in the game with my version of the Liyue Archon quest:

Traveller goes to Liyue Harbour as instructed by Venti*. They aren’t told that there’s any time limit, Morax simply governs the people directly rather than descending once a year. However, few ever get the honour of seeing Lord Morax (Ningguang), and her decrees are mainly spread by her direct underlings and the Qixing (Keqing and others).

When Traveller arrives, they set to work asking the ordinary citizens about Lord Morax and how to meet her. The citizens tell her the same spiel* about how the Qixing control Liyue. Here, the conversation/argument between the citizens is brought up about whether the Qixing should be given any credit compared to the Adepti. They eventually direct Traveller to Yujin Terrace*, because they can pray to the Adepti there.

At Yujing Terrace, there are people milling about, but they have not gathered for a specific event. They walk around and pray and act like normal NPCs.

Traveller makes wishes at the altars as per in-game and talks to some people which gives her insight on what the Liyue people tend to wish for. As she heads to the last altar, the cutscene triggers.

In the cutscene, we see the body of the Dragon Rex Lapis fall from the sky*, but the crowd isn’t originally crowded around the body, rather they move towards the body after they see it fall.

(For this part, basically Rex Lapis is declared dead*, and I’ve chosen to introduce Ganyu here arbitrarily) Ganyu appears suddenly from the sky, attracting the camera view and the attention. She jumps towards the body, and declares that this is the Mighty Adeptus Rex Lapis, and that he has been murdered. She declares that “Lady Ningguang will not forgive the culprit.”

The millelith begin securing the area accordingly, and Paimon panics*. We could have the sneaking quest again, but alternatively we could just skip straight to the next cutscene: while Traveller tries to escape, Childe grabs their hand and tells them “Come with me.”

(Childe had been in the area of Yujing Terrace earlier, but Traveller didn’t have the chance to talk to him yet because he was near the last altar, where the cutscene would trigger when they got close.)

Once they’ve escaped, the same conversation* happens where Childe tells them he’s a Fatui, Traveller prepares to fight him, Childe convinces them that they need his help, gives them the Sigil of Permission for Jueyan Karst, etc. Childe has to convince them that they’re a suspect a little more compared to the original, and amps up the blame on the Qixing*.

Traveller’s Jueyan Karst journey is the same*. However, the dialogue is a little different: the Adepti question why Ningguang sent a mortal to deliver the message to them, then they ask why she didn’t send a message at all. They are more enraged than ever over the death of Rex Lapis, whom they consider to be a friend and ally rather than the one they owe loyalty to.

After that’s done, Traveller returns and Childe introduces them to Zhongli*. It’s similar, but Zhongli explains that he has been instructed with the honour of carrying out the funeral for Rex Lapis, and as such will get to meet Lady Ningguang. If Traveller helps him out, he’ll bring them with him to meet her. Traveller agrees*. Childe is still funding*.

While the whole shopping fiasco with Zhongli could go exactly the same*, I think it’s more fun to merge Yanfei’s quest into it. Yanfei offers her services after Zhongli has trouble obtaining specific materials, and throughout the quest they can run into similar legal/scammy/bargaining scenarios. When Yanfei parts ways with us, she admits that she’s an adeptus but points out that the city needs legal advisors like her more than they need adepti*.

(Adding Yanfei’s quest here would be great because we would be introduced to Liyue’s culture of contracts early on, helping us understand Liyue better and hitting all the significant people anyway. It would also make a nice contrast with Zhongli’s cluelessness, and show the difference between adepti who are stuck in traditional ways vs adepti who were able to adapt.)

Zhongli brings Traveller to dinner, where they’re finally personally approached by Ganyu and invited to the Jade Chamber*. Zhongli says that it seems we don’t need his help after all since we’ve gotten the invitation by ourselves, but asks us to come to the funeral later anyway. Paimon assumes we won’t see Zhongli again until the funeral.

We meet Keqing on our way to the Jade Chamber*. She doesn’t ask us not to side with the Adepti exactly, but instead scold us a little for getting the Adepti involed at all. She says that “The Adepti live so far away from Liyue Harbour that they would never have known if you hadn’t told them.” Traveller also asks her how she knows that the adepti know, since we haven’t seen them since, and Keqing responds that Ningguang must trust the Qixing with this information, since they run Liyue with her.

In the Jade Chamber: (I can’t actually remember much of the dialogue from the original version...) but it should be similar-ish. The scene would probably be extra flashy to emphasise that she’s an Archon at first, then as she insists on being casual the filtering gets casual too. Ningguang tells her how much she trusts her, some of the history of Liyue (them coming together to protect Liyue during the war), and how the Adepti are angry with her about Rex Lapis’ death. She talks about the Fatui and how they’ve been trying to get a foothold here. She notes that she admires how Mondstadt has prevented them from having a hand in their running, but having a Harbringer in their city makes it difficult to push back against them. Ningguang asks Traveller what they think about Keqing, then sighs and says that she is very capable but very young. She mentions Yanfei, and explains that she is unique because she is half-adeptus and also very young. Traveller asks whether she thinks there’s no way for the rest of the Adepti to adapt to modern Liyue, and about Rex Lapis, and Ningguang skirts around those topics.

Traveller gets the information of the second Fatui base from Ningguang’s wall*. After that, actually going to the location is probably in Part 4.

When Part 4 starts, Traveller goes to the base, raids it, and finds the Sigils of Permission*. They are then caught by Childe. In the dialogue that follows, Paimon and Traveller accuse Childe of several things, including goading him that his plan of using Zhongli didn’t work. Childe laughs and reveals what we think is his whole plan: summon an Ancient God to attack all of Liyue Harbour. He says that leaving Traveller to babysit Zhongli was just to distract them, since he knew they would meddle with him otherwise. He also says that Morax, the Qixing and the Adepti are fighting each other now, and don’t have time to do anything except argue.

Traveller fights him*. The fight is pretty much the same, with him triggering his delusion and using Foul Legacy and being introduced as Tartaglia*. After he finishes fighting Traveller in Foul Legacy, he regrets it a little and says that he got carried away, but since Traveller is on the ground (conscious but) he begins the summoning for Osial.

(All of that can still take place in the Golden House with just an extra “Follow Childe” quest or by placing the Fatui base nearby and having Traveller follow a trail to there. I did think it would be cool if the base was in the Guyun Stone Forest instead, exactly where Osial was summoned. So after the summoning, Paimon yells at Traveller to teleport a distance away)

Cutscene where Traveller meets up with Ningguang, the Qixing, and the Adepti*. Paimon expresses surprise that they’re not fighting each other, they say that they’ve put aside their argument until Osial has been stopped, so on*. The fight and strategy would be almost identical, with Ningguang creating the platform and ballistas, and Traveller fighting the Fatui with the blessings of the Adepti.

This next cutscene is crucial. Instead of one of Osial’s attacks destroying the platform, one of the Fatui’s portals opens up behind Ningguang. Childe launches out from it and takes her Gnosis out of her body the same as with Venti. Ningguang’s concentration is broken and she nearly faints, which causes the whole platform to start breaking. Then Zhongli crashes in, catching Ningguang from her fall and immediately attempting to fight Childe. Childe is confused (“Zhongli-xiansheng..?”) and shocked, but Zhongli doesn’t try reasoning with him or saying anything at all, instead trying to fight him immediately. Childe is excited to engage in the fight, while Zhongli gets hurt immediately and is confused at why he’s so weak. However, the fight doesn’t last more than a few seconds, as Childe starts to run and Ningguang (weak and collapsing) tells Zhongli that they have to focus on protecting Liyue first, and the other Adepti go “This aura... Rex Lapis?”

They drop the Jade Chamber on Osial to defeat him*. Now comes the part where they explain everything that has been going on. The Adepti and the Qixing alike demand answers, the Adepti especially expressing that Zhongli has to be Rex Lapis. Ningguang explains most of it:

Some time back, Rex Lapis came to her saying that he wants to die. He’s tired from losing all of his old friends and working endlessly. “While I understand that it is the terms of my contract to serve you and Liyue, is there any way for this contract to end?”

(Zhongli notes that his experience with Yanfei showed him that contracts are much more complicated than they used to be)

Ningguang had agreed, because she thinks that Liyue is much safer than it was when she had signed those contracts with them, and if that was what Rex Lapis wished then so be it. However, she also thought it was too big of a decision to just not make use of.

The plan was that Rex Lapis would fake a very public death. After doing so (killing his original body) the rest of him would go into a human body where he will die at whatever human lifespan he made it to. This would allow Rex Lapis to live as a mortal under the name Zhongli for what to him was a very short amount of time. But because most of him was killed, he lost almost all of his power, reducing him to really just a mortal (still really strong, just weak in comparison to how he used to be as a Dragon and an Adeptus), which he unfortunately only realised the implications of when he couldn’t protect Ningguang from Childe.

The Adepti get angry and teary at Zhongli, saying that they really thought he was dead and scolding both of them for keeping it a secret. We get a few more emotional lines.

The plan was that Rex Lapis would fake a very public death. Ningguang would use this to stir up the people and sow distrust towards the Fatui, using it to drive them out. From her reports of Zhongli, she eventually guessed that Childe was planning to attack her at some point of the funeral shenanigans, which she was prepared for and planning to make use of. In short, she was hoping to get rid of the Fatui by using Rex Lapis’ death as a cover/excuse/catalyst.

But the Osial situation was beyond her expectations, and she wasn’t prepared for that. She doesn’t explain exactly what the Gnosis is to the people present, merely saying that it is important, and Keqing quips that Ningguang looks like hell right now. This launches into the Adepti vs Qixing conversation*.

The Adepti accuse Ningguang of not trusting them and trying to cut them out in favour of these mortals. The Qixing retort that the Adepti were only useful today because they needed to fight, even arguing that Cloud Retainer’s technology could only be put to use in the form of weaponry and nothing else. Madame Ping mediates the most*. Ningguang tells the Adepti that it wasn’t that she doesn’t trust them, but that she didn’t want them to have to get involved when they had already distanced themselves and were living peaceful lives in seclusion. She takes the Qixing’s side, but tries to explain to the Adepti why. The scene ends similarly to the original*. As they leave, the Adepti tell the Qixing and other humans to call them whenever Liyue needs their help.

That’s the end of the dramatic scene. At the funeral, things go pretty much the same*. Traveller hears people talking about the Fatui being the cause of everything* (Ningguang milked the Osial situation completely*). The Fatui are also blamed for Rex Lapis’ death. If the millelith still does make a speech, it would be that Lady Ningguang is cracking down on getting the Fatui out, which is met with positive reactions. Ningguang gives a speech at the funeral which honours Rex Lapis and reminds the people to work together for a new future of Liyue, but it would be less dramatic than the original.

When we talk to Zhongli, he explains some things: When he turned human, Ningguang gave him some money and a job and asked him to practice being human because she intended to give him an allowance to live on in the future. With the limited knowledge he had from never being a human before and the intense studying from a few books on funerals, Zhongli did his best. (He’d also accidentally fallen in love with a Fatui Harbringer oops). Traveller asks him what he’ll do now since he has some years left before his human body dies and he replies that he has absolutely no idea. After some thought, he mentions “I wonder whether Childe will forgive me...”

Traveller probably talks to Ganyu instead of Ningguang for the final ending (the part where they tell them about Inazuma*).

End.

Okay um so some notes about why I made Zhongli not-the-archon:

I was really frustrated that he seemed to not care about the mess he was making in Liyue at all. By making him a normal adeptus, it’s much more acceptable for him to walk away from all his duties because the responsibility doesn’t fall solely to him. Not only is Liyue not falling apart because their main Archon is still there, but he doesn’t bear the actual main responsibility at all.

Zhongli’s cluelessness when it comes to mora doesn’t make any sense if he was supposedly managing the whole country until last year. Plus, Liyue even trades with all other countries, so it’s not like he’s never had to be worried about losing money. By making this the first time he’s really experienced human society, his unbalanced knowledge and behaviour can seem more cute than incompetant. Even his rigidness towards his contracts and the details of the funeral can be explained because he’s probably also been living in seclusion like everyone else.

In the original story, Zhongli stood by while everyone else fought Osial, even though he still had his Gnosis, even though Liyue and all his Adepti’s lives were on the line. In this version, it was possible for Zhongli to interfere in the fight while still losing, because he was already a mortal. It makes him far more compelling because he actually tried to help.

The contract with Signora. We don’t know (yet) what the terms are, so for the the contract is just very annoying. It only serves to convince me that the Gnoses can’t actually be that important. Anyway, dramatic gnosis-stealing scene is what I prefer. At least we can have sympathy for the character - I can’t admire Zhongli for whatever smart decision he made because I don’t know what it is.

Overall, if you change Zhongli to a normal Adeptus, almost all of his existing dialogue reads much better without needing any changes, because the explanation is satisfactory.

Why make Ningguang Morax, then?

Ningguang is already introduced as if she is a god. People tell folktales of her, she displays complex high-level magic that we haven’t even seen Zhongli do (that platform and ballistas), she lives in a literal floating island in the sky that she built, etc. She’s also already running Liyue and doing well at it and has a strong sense of responsibility towards it. It makes sense for her to be the Archon.

Why not Keqing? First of all, Keqing’s elemental and physical abilities aren’t portrayed as particularly special (all of this is based on story bits, not the game mechanics). While she seems capable, the game doesn’t originally give her enough buildup and credit, and she’s portrayed as younger and more stubborn. But most importantly, Keqing is the key person on the Qixing side of the argument, so she needs to remain a Qixing.

Why add Yanfei’s quest in the middle:

The Liyue Archon quest went way too fast without getting us close to Liyue itself. Zhongli’s quest is meant to get us close to them, but he only brings us to people and spouts trivia. Yanfei’s quest embodies the “Contracts” aspect of Liyue so well and it would be really useful to go through that quest before we had to fight to defend Liyue.

If you compare Liyue to Mondstadt and Inazuma, you’ll see that you automatically get close to Mondstadt because it takes a long time to level in the early days of playing. Meanwhile, Inazuma requires you to complete Yoimiya’s quest (which shows the culture of “Eternity” in Inazuma) and Ayaka’s quest (which shows the people whp want to escape the “Eternity” in Inazuma, although Yoimiya’s quest is more important). Liyue doesn’t require any quests in between at all, yet players don’t neccessarily spend time there idly, so it’s hard to get to know Liyue.

Alternatively, Yanfei’s quest could just be a required quest between the parts instead of being integrated into the main Archon Quest itself.

Thanks for reading the Geo Archon Ningguang version of the Liyue Archon Quest.

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hey, I trust your judgement and I need advice. What would you do with a distant father, who does not live with you and does not really check up on you (only sends weird pictures and messages) but whenever problems arise for him he immediately seeks you out? You see I noticed that most of my panic attacks are caused in situations with him and I can't talk civilly with him, he seems to expect me to function and I'm honestly struggling. Sorry to drop this on you, no worries if you can't help me.

Hey Nonny! *HUGS*

Oof, listen, I had the EXACT same problem with my Mother, actually.

PLEASE NOTE I AM NOT A PROFESSIONAL and I am only speaking anecdotally, in hopes that my experience may help you with yours.

After my dad died, rather than letting us three heal together, she (I later found out) was seeking out men online less than a month later, and buggered off by the 2nd month to another city close to her prospects. Note that at the time, my sister and I were both living at home with our parents because my sister was working a low-wage job and I was saving up to pay off my debts, so this was a bit of a shocker that a week after Dad's funeral, she told us to find a place to live, because she was leaving. Like, out of the blue. Looking back, it was really heartless, especially since we were grieving so much.

Throughout the next SEVEN YEARS, after I moved closer to my dad's family (who, for the record, my mother tried to get me to distance myself from ALL those 7 years out of pure jealousy), my mother proceeded to gaslight and emotionally abuse both my sister and I – I won't get into the details because it IS a lot and it still hurts me now that I realize what she did – and then disowned me (and my sister by-proxy, whom my mother rarely tried to contact) after I stood my ground. All those 7 years, she ONLY ever contacted me when she wanted money from me (I was living below the poverty line when I moved; all the money she got from my dad's life insurance, she blew in the first year and then blamed my sister and me AND MY DEAD FATHER), and tried to convince me how evil my father was (he wasn't. He was kind, worked hard, and loved his family very much and gave us a good life – we were upper middle-class up until his death and my sister and I got a 1000$ Wal Mart Gift card from the whole thing) to make herself feel better about what she did. And then even after disowning us, she still tries to contact me at least once a year, always opening with the typical narcissist guilt tripping, acting like she did no wrong, and then I always find out through the grapevine that it's always money-related as to why why she tries to contact me. She even tries to get to me via the relatives she told me to disassociate from – the ONLY extended family I ever knew – and they are amazing that they are protecting me from her because they FINALLY saw what was happening to us because she started her gaslighting  and manipulating my aunts as well.

Now that I’m distanced from it all of it, EVERYTHING (trust me you guys, it’s fucking nuts... like I had an ENTIRE FAMILY she told me were all dead and she recently reconciled with) she did was to make me and my sister miserable, because that’s what abusers like to do. It TICKLED my mother when I was depressed and stressed, but because of “my kind heart” she took advantage of me and the knowledge that I would keep taking her back... until I didn’t and she got fucking NASTY.

So the whole point of this, Nonny, is to say as an outsider looking in, who has experienced similar manipulative tactics that fucked with my own mental health, I fear your dad, whether he knows it or not, is only staying in contact with you to feel better about himself as a parent, and IF he does realize he’s doing it, he LIKES seeing you have the panic attacks. BUT he might have undiagnosed issues of his own, so it could be as simple as he doesn’t know he’s making you uncomfortable.

The problem here is that with my situation, the disowning made the decision for me, and I was already trying to think of a way to tell my Mother that I needed  to take a break from her, so it was a “simple” decision – I think my mother genuinely believes she did nothing wrong and thinks we are the worst children for not wanting to talk to her anymore. 

In your situation, though, I think the best thing for you is to communicate with him; how you do so is something that you have to have a heavy think on. Let him know how he hurts you, and tell him that you need to know that your interactions won’t have underlying intentions. And if he becomes unreasonable, then say “and this is why we can’t talk”. I dunno Nonny. When I was planning to cut off my mother for awhile, I wrote everything down that I wanted to say to her one on one next time I saw her. I had a little speech written out that I was going to read to her. After the disowning, I tossed it out, and said “fuck it” and decided I would not “take her back” like I’ve done countless times in the past 7 years. Perhaps that will help you out too, Nonny, writing it all down.

Either way, this problem won’t solve itself unless some communication happens, and you need to stand up and be firm. I know it’s scary and tough, but honestly, I don’t regret a second of cutting my mother out of my life; I tried over and over to repair a broken rock; it’s not going to happen, and I TRIED communicating. I’m able to work on myself without stepping on eggshells all the time. I’m not suggesting you should cut out your dad, at all, but if this is an ongoing thing, it may be an option to consider as a last resort for your own health. But do try to talk first, and writing things down will help organize your thoughts and keep you calm.

Good luck Nonny. We’re here for you <3

[castleshadows]

For As Long As We Could

Casteel has spent the last seven years inside, afraid of stepping out into the world once again. But, when Elashya dies, he finally decides to face his fears to support Kieran in his grief.

CW: Major Character Death

Written June 17, 2021

Casteel watched as the funeral procession made its way past his window, the sky outside trying its best to match the mood with gloomy white clouds that promised a drizzle later in the day. Similarly, the small crowd was cloaked in white, the color of mourning. Only the dead’s closest family and partners wore anything decorative, a small white lily pinned to the breast to represent the innocence restored to the soul of the departed.

He could pick out Kieran easily in the gathering, holding the back right corner of the casket. To anyone else he looked like he had his head tucked against the wind as everyone else did, but Casteel knew him better than that. No, his friend was crying, judging on the way his shoulders shook every couple seconds. It was a surprise to see him so vulnerable in front of that many people, but Cas didn’t judge him for it. In fact, it was a relief to see him finally show some semblance of emotion. The wolven had been so… stoic the past few days. Elashya had been the first bright light in his life in a long time, and that light had gone out so quickly, that it had left Kieran in a state of disrepair so great that he sought to hide it from everyone around him. Including his bonded.

The wind picked up a bit and somebody's hat went flying. Nobody so much as glanced in the object direction as they continued on with their dreary parade through the streets. Casteel could see the graveyard in the distance, and the hole in which Elashya would forever reside. He knew Kieran saw it too by the way the wolven started shaking. Someone beside him, whom Casteel had never seen before, put their hand on Kieran’s shoulder, rubbing it and comforting him until he seemed to calm a bit.

A rogue bit of jealousy flashed through him, and Casteel worked to control it. He and Kieran loved each other very much. Before his… capture, outsiders looking at their relationship would’ve thought they hated each other. They had been constantly at each out, swinging fists at faces for the most minor things. They still loved each other though. Nothing would change that. However, fifty years of two different kinds of torture had changed them both, and he felt like he hardly knew his dearest friend, his partner in crime, anymore. He wanted to get to know him again, badly. But, every time he tried to step even a toe outside of his current comfort zone, something in his mind convinced him that he would end up back in that cage again, being raped and brutalized, his body nor his blood his own.

Casteel shook his head, yanking himself away from that train of thought before he could board it. It had been nearly three months since he’d had a panic attack, and he didn’t wish to restart that timer.

Cas’s eyes left the window and trailed around the small room. When he’d returned, seven years ago almost to the day, he didn’t want to stay in his old rooms. They reminded him too much of her. Every time he set foot in the bedroom he could clearly see her lying on the bed, waiting for him to return. Every time he peeked his head into the bathroom he saw her in the shower, beckoning him to join as she washed her long golden locks. Every time he smelled her leftover scent in the sheets that had not been washed in fifty-seven years, he wanted to vomit. So, he’d requested a different room, one that didn’t feel so big and empty, and one that she had never set foot in.

His gaze snagged on the small wardrobe in the corner, and he pushed his chair back from the desk walking silently over the wood floors. He stopped in front of the cabinet and slowly opened the fancily embellished doors. They creaked slightly, the sound deafening in the quiet room. Inside were all the clothes he’d worn for the past seven years. Ten tunics, ten pairs of breeches, ten pairs of socks, four belts, three coats, two cloaks and a set of boots that were worn and practically falling apart. All of which were some variation of white, brown, or black. Not the most fitting outfits for a Prince, but something about the routine of it comforted him.

He selected a white tunic, the lightest color breeches he had—a sort of light beige—and a black belt. It wasn’t even close to being appropriate for a funeral, but he didn’t have anything formal and white, so these would have to do. Potentially he could borrow some clothes from Kieran’s closet, or some old ones from Jasper, but he was already going outside for the first time in quite a while, and he didn’t know if he could handle more than one new thing at a time.

Casteel shucked off his soft, stretchy trousers and pulled on the light beige ones. He pulled the tunic over his head and buttoned it up, tucking the fabric into his pants. Glancing out the window, he noticed that the parade was near the cemetery. He would have to hurry if he were to make it on time.

Without thinking much about it, Casteel threw open the door to his chambers and stepped out into the cool hallway. He took a minute to let the reality of what he was about to do sink in. Anxiety bubbled up, but he quickly shoved it down, refusing to let his fear get in the way of what Kieran needed. He was going to be there for his brother if it was the last thing he did. A small voice in the back of his tried to convince him it would be, and he paused, letting the voice take over for a minute. And then he was flying down the hallway, not an all out run, but pretty damn close. Slow and steady wasn’t going to cut it here. It was going to be either all at once or not at all.

The walls were a blur as he sprinted through the large estate. There were usually very few visitors at this time of year, and Kirha and Jasper rarely employed servants, so the halls were quiet and empty.

Casteel slowed down near the stairs, trying desperately not to trip. Nothing took the dignity out of one's re-enter into the world like falling face-first down the stairs.

“Casteel?”

He paused, foot poised above the ground, hand white-knuckling the railing. Turning his head, he met the teary gaze of Kirha Contou. Unlike Casteel, she had known Elashya quite well, and being Kirha, had practically claimed the wolven as one of her own. It was no surprise that she was nearly as upset as Kieran was.

“I didn’t expect you to be out at this time,” she said, her voice soft as if she was afraid she might scare him away. Casteel was afraid he might be scared away too. “Do you need something?”

The silence was the loudest he’d ever heard. He wanted to answer her, but something in him froze. The large parlor suddenly seemed extremely daunting, not to mention outside, where the sky was open and there were no walls to keep him safe. He would have nothing except for the clothes on his back and his own frail body, that still hadn’t built up even a third of the muscle he used to have. Casteel stepped back, away from the door, away from the outside world.

Who was he kidding? He couldn’t do this.

“Cas?” Kirha said again. Her expression was one of love, and she held her hand out in front of her, coming towards him. “I was heading to Elashya’s funeral. Would you like to come?” She cocked her head waiting for an answer.

Steeling himself, he tentatively placed his hand in hers. Casteel would force himself to go if he must. Kieran needed him, and he would be there for his brother. It also helped that Kirha would walk there with him. A comforting presence if he should need it, and he had a feeling he would.

The first steps outside were stressful to say the least, but he kept his eyes fixed firmly ahead, and refused to let himself look at the empty, open sky, or even glance at the few civilians that gawked at him along the street. Eventually he felt their eyes find other places to land on, and he felt a bit lighter, each step less of a challenge than the one before.

Kirha stood by his side the entire time, leading him through what they both knew as the least crowded areas of the city.

Too soon for comfort, the graveyard was in view, and Casteel could see the large amount of people gathered in the middle. It seemed that the eulogy’s had already started and as they grew nearer, he could hear the end of an older man’s speech being delivered. He looked like he could be her father, and it was confirmed when he referenced the dead as his daughter.

Kirha led him through the makeshift pews towards Jasper and their youngest daughter, Vonetta, who waved shyly at him. Kieran sat in the second row just ahead of them, and he seemed to sense Casteel’s prescenese, tensing and turning around to meet his gaze.

His eyes were teary, and there were water tracks all down his cheeks, but he did his best to smile when he saw Casteel, mouthing a quiet “thank you”. Cas nodded to the wolven and then looked towards the podium, where a Priestess stepped up and called the next speaker forward.

“Kieran Contou, partner of the deceased.”

All eyes turned to his brother, and Kieran stood, shakily making his way to the front and thanking the Priestess for the introduction. He stepped up onto the podium and then seemed to freeze, droplets of water starting to build up in his eyes.

Kieran gripped the speech in his hands, looking over the crowd as if they were his death sentence. Tears spilled down his face and Casteel could feel Kirha tense beside him. She very obviously wanted to go to her son, but didn’t know how he would react. He couldn’t blame her. Kieran’s feelings were confusing on a good day, and today was very much not a good day.

Without thinking about what he was going to do, Casteel stood up. Immediately all eyes were on him, but he forced himself to ignore them all except the ones that belonged to his best friend. He made his way out of the aisle, trying not to step on anyone’s feet while still meeting Kieran’s gaze.

He didn’t really remember the walk to the front, only the way his bonded’s eyes, usually full of amusement or boredom or absolute apathy, were completely raw. A window directly into his soul. His friend was vulnerable and practically ripped open for the world to see. And, Casteel couldn’t just stand by and do nothing.

“Do you want me to?” he asked softly, holding out one hand for the piece of paper that contained the handwritten speech.

Kieran looked down at the page and then back at Casteel and repeated the action. Eventually he nodded, shaking as he handed it to his friend. The wolven moved to leave, but Cas wrapped his arm around his shoulders pulling him close and waiting until he relaxed in his grip to speak.

Clearing his throat, Casteel began.

“I did not know Elashya well,” he started in his own words, his voice ringing out stronger and clearer than he’d anticipated, “She and I did not see each other very often and when we did I am ashamed to say that I did not make much of an effort to become acquainted with her… But I can see very clearly from the crowd gathered here today that she was much loved, and I have been told of her kindness and her warm, magnetic personality by my best friend and brother, Kieran Contou.”

The wolven beside him let out a choked sob, and several people in the crowd started to cry along with him. Casteel hugged him tighter.

“I know that he loved her very much, and it is with this love in mind that I read his speech for you today,” he unfolded the piece of paper and started to read about the woman he’d never known, but now wish he had met, “Elashya Fraiser was a bright light in my life—in all our lives—and one that was snuffed out much too quickly… She had such a long life to live, so many things she wanted to do that she was not able to. But I know that if she were here now she would scold me for being so depressing.”

The crowd did not laugh, but several gave small smiles, each remembering something about the deceased. Caseteel paused for a moment, letting the words sink in, and then continued.

“So I will try during this speech not to mourn the life she did not live, but celebrate the one she had,” Casteel watched as many nodded in agreement, “I remember when I first met her. It was at a time when my life was filled with shadows, but they scattered at the first bright smile I saw on her face. That was one of the many things I loved about her. She was always smiling, always looking for a silver lining on every cloud. Her smiles were beautiful, and they made me feel warm inside every time I caught a glimpse.”

He remembered when Shea’s smiles had done that for him. When every glance she made his way made his very soul soar.

“I know what you’re thinking. Every man in love has something cheesy to say about their love’s smile, but Elashya’s was like hot cocoa and a warm blanket on a cold night. Everything about her felt like coming home.”

He had not known Elashya, but his friend's beautiful words made it feel like he had. She sounded like a lovely person, and he really did regret not getting to know her.

“She lit up every room without fail, and made it seem effortless. Even in the last days of her life she stayed positive. Even as her loved ones crowded, teary-eyed, around her bed, saying their final goodbyes, she was able to send them away smiling. Still sad, but at least reassured that she would be okay in the next life. And she will be,” Casteel paused to read the next line, and almost laughed out loud. Even in tough times Kieran found a way to be sarcastic, “If anyone can find something good in being dead it’s Elashya.”

This time there were a couple teary chuckles. Even without looking up, Casteel could sense that many people were in a deep state of nostalgia. He could tell Kieran was too. The wolven had stopped sobbing and though there were still tears running down his cheeks, they were ones not of sorrow, but of a bittersweet kind of feeling. Casteel turned his attention back to the page.

“I’m sorry that my speech is so short, for I fear that if I write any more I will not be able to stop. There is so much about her that I want to share, so much I want to say about the one I loved. The one I still love with all my heart. But, there is a time limit on these, so I will say just one more thing.”

Casteel had told himself at the beginning that he would get through this speech without shedding tears, but reading what Kieran had written about the woman he’d loved was making it pretty damn difficult. He had a way with words that Casteel would never be able to even attempt. And the speech was a painful reminder that he hardly knew anything anymore about his best friend. Kieran had been in love for the first time for the gods sake and he hadn’t been there for him.

Something nudged his side and Casteel opened eyes he hadn’t realized were closed. He blinked away the slight wetness that had been gathering and looked to Kieran, who poked him again.

“Sorry,” he whispered only loud enough for his friend to hear. Kiearn nodded and gestured back to the speech.

“Can I finish?” he rasped.

Casteel handed the page to him, directing him towards where he left off and a second later Kieran was speaking slowly, but surely.

“Elashya and I knew from the moment we fell in love that the end could come any day,” his voice wavered a bit, but he waved Casteel away when he tried to take over, “We knew that it was possible she would die, and I must admit there were times I felt myself falling into hopelessness. There were times where I was tempted to save myself from despair, for I am selfish, and I won’t pretend otherwise.”

Casteel wasn’t sure where this notion came from that he was selfish, for the wolven was one of the most loyal and loving people he knew. But, he didn’t interrupt, only made a mental note to later remind Kieran of the love he held inside him.

“But every moment I was with her has made it worth it. All the pain I have felt the last few weeks has been worth it, and I would endure a million more years of it if it meant I could see her just one last time.”

Casteel felt the same way about Shea. He was deeply ashamed of it, but he could not pretend he didn’t feel the way he felt. He would do anything to have just one more moment with her before. Before she decided she didn’t love him enough to stay with him until the end. But, maybe there was no before. Maybe she’d never felt that way for him. Maybe she’d been stringing him along the entire time. A tear fell out of the corner of his eye, and made a track down his cheek.

“I do not regret a thing and I know she didn’t either. I know that she is watching me now, and I hope that she is proud of me for trying to be at least somewhat optimistic. I admit I’m rather bad at it,” he paused, smiling a bit at his own writing, “But I know that if I were somehow taken back in time with all the knowledge of the heartbreak I was to endure, I wouldn’t change a thing.”

Kieran then looked up, meeting the eyes of everyone in the crowd and setting down the card. The tears in his eyes were coming back in full force and he took a deep breath, looking behind him at that coffin poised beside the empty grave. He looked… he looked lost, but like there was hope that he could be found again. Then, with visible effort he turned away, and held his head high delivering the last line of his speech.

“Because the heart doesn’t care how long you may have someone… It just cares that you have the person for as long as you can.”

[sanjisock]

puddles

ao3

i. arlong park

It does not take long for Sanji to learn that Zoro is a man who does not do things in halves.

He watches in fascination as Zoro faces Mihawk without a single moment’s of hesitation — cut in half, bleeding all over the deck, but his sword stays true still. Zoro dreams, not of being a great swordsman, but of being the greatest; either you are, or you are not.

Sanji can understand that. It is not quite different from his own, if you look at it in the right ways — you either believe in the All Blue, or you don’t. It either exists, or it doesn’t. You can’t bargain with faith.

But Sanji isn’t the same kid with the iron mask all those years ago who had nothing to lose; he has Zeff now, and a debt as heavy as a lost limb that he could never even begin to repay. He knows how much a dream can cost. He knows how much love — true love, the kind with complete and utter devotion — can cost.

Cocoyashi Village is in celebration, and Sanji finds himself tucked into a corner of the party together with Zoro, somehow untouched by the cacophony. They’re still sizing each other up, barely knowing one another past a fight and a promise to a captain. But Zoro has trusted him easily in that very fight, and right now there’s a spark in the air between them, something not entirely different from attraction .

Zoro takes a large gulp from his bottle and gestures back at the ship. “You coming?”

This could be something , Sanji thinks. Wants to try, if he’s being honest.

But Zoro is a man who does not do things in halves — he is not a man who tries . If Sanji takes the leap, this is it — they either are, or they aren’t. And if they aren’t — Sanji isn’t sure a crew as small and as tight-knitted as the Straw Hats can handle a break up, especially so early on in their journey.

(Sanji isn’t sure a heart as weak as his can handle a break up). 

“I’ll catch up later,” he shrugs, scrambling for an excuse. He suddenly feels like he’s ten again, terrified and running away. “Been wanting to check out this one recipe from that guy over there.”

“If you say so,” Zoro takes the dismissal in stride, and dumps the empty sake bottle into a barrel as he stands up to leave.

Sanji watches him disappear into the night.

+

ii. enies lobby

The Mosshead has been giving him the nastiest look ever since the ship sailed away from Water Seven, so Sanji isn’t particularly surprised when Zoro stops him on his track on the way to Usopp’s workshop.

Zoro eyes the colorful drink on the tray in Sanji’s hand like it’s challenged him into a duel, before finally grunting, “you need to stop treating Usopp like that.”

Sanji’s eyes unwittingly follow Zoro’s gaze on the drink he made for Usopp — it has five colors, three different fruits, and a whip cream on top. Entirely too flashy for the male crewmembers, usually reserved for important occasions. Sanji feigns obliviousness, still. “Like what?”

“Like he’s going to break anytime soon,” Zoro says.

“You mean nicely ?” Sanji snarls back. “Like a normal human being? Not everyone is like you, Marimo. Some people have emotions. ”

“It’s insulting , is what it is,” Zoro retorts, his whole body leaning into Sanji’s personal space, like a challenge. “There’s never a need for you to coddle him. Usopp made his decisions as a man back then, and he had to learn the consequences for it — ”

“And he has learned , Zoro,” Sanji cuts in, feeling exhausted all of a sudden, the fight leaving his body in a snap. He sighs. “Look — I get that it’s your thing, protecting our pride as a crew and all. I was on your side, remember? But it’s all in the past, and Usopp’s got your message, loud and clear.”

Sanji thinks of a little boy with the iron mask, who were forced to learn all his lessons the hard way; and what comes out next is, “I’m the cook of this ship. Let me feed him.”

Let me take care of him , he doesn’t say, but it means pretty much the same thing.

There must’ve been something in his voice, because Zoro seems taken aback; all the tension bleeds out from his shoulders, and he’s now looking at Sanji with an unreadable expression.

There’s a moment of silence, stretched long enough to the point of awkwardness, before Zoro says, “ — didn’t mean to. I mean — quite a lot of shit went down, just didn’t wanna see you — don’t overexert yourself.”

Sanji blinks. “What are you saying .”

“All this talk about taking care of people,” Zoro says, hand rubbing the back of his neck in a rare display of — what? Embarrassment ? “Why wouldn’t you let me —”

Zoro pauses there, sentence trailing off into nothing; but Sanji has always been good at reading Zoro, and he hears the words anyway.

Why wouldn’t you let me take care of you .

Sanji thinks of the party in Cocoyashi, and then hundreds of moments after that — quiet moments in the galley when Zoro helped him wash up the dishes, playful banters that Zoro could only keep up with. Countless enemies they fight side by side, together, the way he feels his heart beat in sync with Zoro’s from across the battlefield.

“Cook —” Zoro puts his hand on Sanji’s shoulder then, and the touch burns , like an electric shock; it jolts Sanji back from his thoughts, a reminder of the reality between them, the way they would fight as hard as they love, and what would that leave him, in the aftermath?

“Let me go ,” Sanji says before he can stop himself, and practically runs to Usopp’s workshop.

+

iii. thriller bark

“You’re a dumbass ,” Sanji says.

“Hn,” Zoro says, not arguing for once.

“I’ve always known you have moss for brains,” Sanji continues, fully aware he’s rambling but unable to stop himself, “but who would’ve thought you’d be this dumb. What kind of complete and utter idiot would be so fucking reckless against a warlord for the second time in his life.”

Zoro hums noncommittally.

Sanji tightens the bandage across his torso with a little more force than necessary.

Zoro makes a pained grunt, and Sanji winces at the sound; they’ve roughhoused each other countless of times before, but this is the first time Zoro can’t take something Sanji dished. It shouldn’t be surprising though, not after the wounds he has taken from Bartholomew Kuma —

“You need to learn to pick your battles,” Sanji rambles on, because he’s suddenly hit with the realization that if he stops talking he might actually cry . “Or at least employ some strategies. Ever heard of those? That’s what people with brains usually do when they fight instead of simply waving some pointy sticks against the enemy. Raise your hand a bit —” he moves to the wound on Zoro’s arm, taking greater care to make sure he’s as gentle as possible, a silent apology for the earlier mishap. “Right there. Yeah. Anyways, I was saying —”

“Sanji,” Zoro says, and Sanji stops.

It’s so unfamiliar — the way Sanji’s name rolls off Zoro’s tongue, shaped by his deep voice. It sends a shiver down his spine, Sanji’s heart suddenly rattling against his ribcage.

When he looks up, Zoro is staring back at him with half-lidded eyes, something other than pain marring his gaze.

Longing .

Sanji feels his throat dry all of a sudden.

“Sanji,” Zoro says, voice low and rasp, but steady. And then: “stay.”

Sanji drops the bandages in his hands. He can’t do this — not when he’s staring at the very reminder of what it would cost . The idea of losing Zoro, as a nakama , has already torn him from the inside; he can’t imagine what it’s like to see Zoro’s lifeless body on the infirmary bed, as a lover.

He remembers standing in front of her mother’s grave, feeling like he’s coming apart at the seams, and wanting to tear up the stitches; wishing he could just unravel after so much hurt . 

“Zoro,” he says, feeling like he’s on the verge of a panic attack, “I — I can’t —”

But when he dares himself to finally meet Zoro’s eyes, the Swordsman has lost consciousness again.

Sanji flees the infirmary.

+

iv. zou

He flips BIg Mom’s invitation to the tea party over and over again, staring at the words etched on the paper.

Groom: Third Son of the Vinsmokes, Sanji.

The words settle unpleasantly in his gut, and he swallows, trying to calm himself down. He’s no longer the same weak kid with the iron mask; he’s now a Straw Hat, and he’s going to settle his issues with his pathetic excuse of a family once and for all.

That’s all.

...so why does it feel like this isn’t going to end well with Zoro?

Thoughts of the Shitty Swordsman appear in his mind, unbidden. A scowl, definitely — maybe a few scathing words to accompany the look. Something about Sanji and his self-sacrificial tendencies — as if Zoro has any right to lecture anyone about that — or maybe some diatribe about trusting the crew to take care of one of their own.

Which is not what this is about, at all. Of course Sanji trusts everyone in the crew — trusts Luffy  to be able to take care of himself. But this is his problem, and he’s the only one responsible to fix it. There’s no need to trouble everyone with a little family problems.

(So why does it still feel like he’s running away?)

+ 

v. whole cake island

“First of all, the captain of my own ship came all this way to track me down,” he says, raising a finger for emphasis, “only for me to insult and hurt him to the best of my ability despite no resistance from him whatsoever. That means I cannot go back to your ship right now.”

Run , he remembers being ten, hearing Reiju’s voice through the prison bars. There is no turning back. Your mistakes are final.

“Second of all,” he continues, “the shitty geezer who saved my life and the home where I was raised are being held hostage in case I don’t play along. That means I cannot escape from this wedding.”

Run , he remembers thinking every time he catches sight of Zeff’s leg. This is the cost of your dream. This is the cost of your love.

“Third of all,” he says, voice rising even higher, “the evil family to which I’m related to is walking into Big Mom’s trap, and they’ll all be slaughtered in a matter of hours. They’re scum of the earth to whom I owe nothing but my hatred but I cannot bring myself to abandon them to their fate and run away!”

Run , he tells himself. Your love worths nothing. You are not worth anyone’s love.

“For these three reason,” he says, eyes avoiding Luffy’s. “I cannot return with the rest of you.”

There’s a bright sunburst of pain against his cheek, and the momentum of the punch throws him against a tree bark, shattering under the impact.

“Tell me how you really feel ,” Luffy yells. “What do you want, Sanji?”

For the first time in his life, Sanji stops running.

+

(i. wano)

Sanji didn’t notice at first, with all the flurry and chaos of the fight against Kaido; but once things have settled down, it occurs to him that Wano is a spring island.

The air is tinged with the kind of heat that barely tips over to unpleasant, uncomfortable without the unbearable fever of summer. Even the nights are wearily humid, which is why he decided to stray away from the celebration feast into the forest, and finds Zoro training alone, swinging his new sword against the wind.

They have not had a moment to themselves ever since — ever since . All of their conversations have mostly been in the heat of the battle, and Sanji isn’t quite sure if they simply did not have the time, or if Zoro has been avoiding him.

It doesn’t matter — here they are, gravitating towards each other still. As if fate herself has weaved a path for them, time and again.

He thinks he can still hear Luffy asking, in the rain: what do you want, Sanji?

“Zoro,” he says, and faces him, head on. “I am in love with you.”

He thinks Zoro would’ve been surprised, once upon a time; maybe if Sanji dared to say it under the Alabasta moonlight, or bathed by the campfire light in the Sky Islands; but now, it feels superfluous, almost redundant. It is no longer the truth that matters between them.

Zoro finally turns to meet his eyes, and sheathes his sword into its scabbard. “What do you want, Cook?”

The same question, again. He’s been running away for so long, he’s forgotten what truly matters, before the risks and the tragedies and the costs . What he truly wants .

The answer to that has always been simple.

“I want us, Zoro. Together. In whichever way you’ll have me.”

Zoro walks up and stops, right in front of Sanji. “You have me ,” he says. “You’ve always had me. It’s you who’s always —” Zoro pauses, gritting his teeth, frustration written all over his face.

“I know,” Sanji says, heartbeat rising up his throat, his ears, his mouth. “Zoro, I —”

“I need to know ,” Zoro says, hand a hair’s breadth away from Sanji’s own, but not quite touching. “I need to know if you will keep running away from me or not.”

Sanji takes the offered hand and closes the distance between them.

It is a short kiss at first, only a cling of lips — and then he feels Zoro’s free hand drifting up to cradle his face as Zoro leans in for another kiss, and another, little dips of kisses, as if Zoro needed the constant reassurance that Sanji is here, with him. And Sanji can give him that, owe him that much — he breathes into the kiss, chases Zoro’s lips and mouths at the curve of his smile.

“This is it, right?” Zoro says when they part, forehead still pressed against one another’s. “Because this is it for me, Cook.”

Sanji thinks of Zoro, who doesn’t do things in halves. Either they are, or they aren’t. And for once he realizes — not the fear or the risk, but how much of an honor it is, to be loved by this man. Entirely and all-consuming.

“This is it,” he tells Zoro, and squeezes Zoro’s hand. “No more running away.”

[fizzyxcustard]

The Right Thing

Masterlist of all fanfics/headcanons/prompts here

Fandom: seaQuest 2032

Pairings: Lucas Wolenczak x Fem!Reader

Warnings: Anxiety, insecurity, age difference (but legal), language (mild)

Word count: 6505 (a longer one)

Summary: You are a Lieutenant aboard the seaQuest DSV vessel, under Captain Oliver Hudson. You have been aboard for two years and in that time have grown very close to Lucas Wolenczak. But not only are you of higher rank, you are ten years his senior (he’s 20). As your feelings deepen and Lucas opens up to you about how he feels, your anxiety rises. Will everyone be judgemental of you for loving a younger man? Others aboard the boat, and shore leave, help you to see how right you and Lucas are for each other.

Comments: If you have any questions regarding this fic and the fandom, by all means message me. I’d love to hear your thoughts and feedback. I will probably try and make graphics for my fics in future if people are interested in reading more of this as I have a full length fic in the works and a prequel one-shot as well. If you would like to be added to my tag list for anything seaQuest related, please leave me a message or comment. The above image shows Captain Oliver Hudson (left) and Ensign Lucas Wolenczak (right) from the show. 

Never before had you felt this awkward, torn and utterly disgusted with yourself. Whenever you sat beside Lucas on the bridge, you could feel his stare now and again as he turned his mesmerising blue eyes from the helm monitor. True, you had always had a very deep friendship with Lucas, who was now an Ensign and seemed to be on duty with you more than any other officer, but the tension was becoming too much. He was two months past twenty and you were the wrong side of thirty. However, most people assumed you to be younger than Lonnie, at twenty-one, but no, the years were against you. In fact, you were the same age as Tim O’Neill.

That day was rather uneventful. Your shift passed by without incident. You laughed with Lucas, Jim Brody and Lonnie in the mess hall. But again, you could sense Lucas’ eyes on you.

Captain Hudson was at a UEO summit meeting, leaving Commander Ford in charge. It was always more laid back and chilled when Jonathan Ford took the helm. No complaints, no shouting, no frustration. Ford had been on seaQuest now since her first tour, along with Lucas and Tim. The rest of the crew, including you, came later. All of you missed Captain Bridger, who had been more than just a Captain, but a friend and a fatherly figure.

“Have you got any plans for shore leave?” Lucas asked you suddenly.

You swallowed hard and turned to face him, pulling your headset from off your head. “Not at the moment, no,” you replied. “You?”

This was all your conversations had become now. Idle chit chat. Whereas when Captain Bridger was still your skipper, you and Lucas would spend time together, laughing at stupid movies, listening to music, taunting Tony Piccolo and simply basking in the things of youth.

Lucas knew there was something very wrong between you both; he could sense it. He didn’t have to be like Wendy Smith, psychic; he could see the cold shoulder that you gave him often. He watched you concentrate on your monitor, staring through the glasses that you always wore when on any computer or when writing. The atmosphere had changed aboard the boat when Captain Bridger left, but surely that wasn’t enough to make you grow cold.

When it was time for shift change, you walked off the bridge with Lucas. Both of you strolled slowly, side by side. “Hey, ummm,” Lucas began, stopping in the corridor. “Can we talk?”

“What about?” you asked.

Lucas sighed at the cold, abrupt edge to your tone. “Us….”

“What do you mean us?”

“No…no. It sounded weird, I know. I’m sorry,” Lucas said, silently grilling himself for sounding stupid. “Things just seem weird. We don’t spend time together like we used to, and I guess I…”

“We’ll talk later. In private,” you told him. Officers were speeding past you, starting and ending the shift rotation. It was too open for such a chat. There was a lot that needed to be said. “I’ll come to your quarters about seven. How’s that?”

“Perfect,” Lucas replied with a smile.

As you parted ways, you felt breath catch in your throat. Your hands shook and tears threatened to spill down your cheeks. You felt something for Lucas and you despised yourself, at just over ten years his senior. You were ashamed of it.

It wasn’t until you ventured from your quarters and down the corridors to Lucas’ shared quarters that you realised just how deep his feelings for you ran. You could distinctly hear his voice as you stopped outside the door, which was slightly ajar. The other person, you assumed, was Tony Piccolo.

“You need to tell her, Lucas,” the second voice came. Sure enough, it was Tony.

You waited outside the door, listening.

“I can’t stop thinking about her, Tony.”

“You’ve said that before with girls.”

“This is different. I barely knew Juliana and Sandra. I’ve spent months with her, and when I am with her, it’s like she’s my age. And she cares. I mean truly cares. Probably because she’s just as alone as I am. But lately she’s grown cold towards me. She won’t speak to me sometimes for almost an entire day. There’s no laughing anymore.”

“It’s pretty hard to laugh around here with Hudson in charge,” Tony replied.

You straightened your back and swallowed hard, bracing yourself and tapped on the door.

A few seconds later and Tony appeared. “I’ll leave you two to it. Don’t mind me,” he said, grinning at you. “Go easy on him.” Tony winked at you. All you could do was grimace and then descend the steps down into the main sleeping area which Lucas and Tony shared.

Lucas looked at you, dressed in jeans, Converse and blouse. How could you be the age you were? You looked twenty-two at most. Everything about you enthralled him; your small and discreet tattoos scattered about your body, your quirky sense of humour, the way you cared for everyone and put them before yourself, the odd looking ornaments you kept on your desk and your taste in rock music. Jim Brody had teased many times how your attitude would be suited with Tony Piccolo. But you needed people who were steady and mature.

Things were silent for a short while as you both stood a couple of feet apart, your hands shoved in pockets. Then you broke the silence and looked at Lucas. “I’m sorry if I’ve offended you. It’s just…Maybe I’m being arrogant, I don’t know. But I sense that you like me…”

“And does that bother you?” Lucas asked, his hands growing more and more sweaty.

“I’m a lot older than you, Lucas,” you reminded him. “You’ve only just become an adult, and I know you forget my age when we spend time together. I’m still young in my appearance and ways. Maybe I haven’t grown up myself yet.”

“I think you’re amazing,” Lucas said softly. “Why does age have to be an issue? We’re good together; I know that you know that.”

His words made something pour in your stomach and you closed your eyes, trying to shake the feelings away. “Lucas, no. Stop it, please,” you whispered.

“You have feelings for me, too. I know you do. I can see it,” he said, approaching you.

You felt his arm wind around your waist, edging you closer towards him.

“Stop it!” you cried out, pushing him away. “No means no!”

You left his quarters only moments later, leaving Lucas behind to slam his hands down onto his desk. Leaving seaQuest was the only way this would end. Lucas would move on and meet a girl his own age. And you would transfer to another boat, hopefully to ace your officer exams and get promoted to Lieutenant Commander.

That evening was long as you drowned in your own thoughts. How could Lucas be what you needed? Would he be prepared to look towards marriage and children within the next two to five years? You would be rushing him, forcing him to put aside all the years of adventure and experience to build a family. Because that was what you wanted. If you met the right man, then you would gladly take time away from your career. And Lucas seemed to think that man was him.

Around nine, a knock came to your door. Your heart leapt and you gasped, expecting it to be Lucas. But it was Tony. You knew why he was here; it didn’t take a lot for anyone to put two and two together to see the reason for his visit.

You let Tony in and sat back down in your seat. “I know why you’ve come to see me, Tony. Lucas doesn’t see the shame I feel every time I look at him.”

“I wanted to see how you’re doing, too. I know Lucas isn’t always the easiest person to say no to. In that way, he’s still a kid.”

You sighed. “We’re both still kids in a lot of ways. I’m going to put in a request for transfer. It’s the only way to solve this.”

“But you can’t,” Tony exclaimed. “Everyone loves you, you know that. It wouldn’t be the same without you. You bring a bit of life to this place.”

Tony’s words brought a smile to your face. “Thanks. This place feels more like a family than I’ve ever had anywhere else outside of my actual family.”

“Look, if you two really do like each other then nothing should stop you. Some people might think the age gap is weird, but who cares? You’re both single adults.”

You sighed again and reached for your mug of coffee which had started growing cold. “I want to think about marriage and settling down. Does Lucas want that? It’s something that needs to be thought about. I can’t be responsible for slowing him down. He’s still young.”

“And so are you. Man, you’re talkin’ as though you’re fifty. Come on!” Tony said.

You barely slept that night, constantly tossing and turning, thinking of Lucas, whom you doubted was asleep either. The air was warm and stale, and your heart raced, reminding you of the anxiety which you kept hidden. Being a Lieutenant in the Navy meant that you had been aboard vessels under attack, had nearly drowned and been shot in the leg. But it was your indecision and shame that caused you to panic uncontrollably.

Tears poured down your cheeks as you flung your legs out from the covers. You flicked on the table lamp and staggered sleepily to your chair. Writing always calmed you. In a world of discipline, uncertainty and instability, you felt so alone. Friendships were strong between you and the main crew, but you had become the glue holding them together. You listened often to Lonnie deny her budding feelings for Jonathan Ford; Tony Piccolo opened his heart to you about his unconventional family; Lucas relied on you for stability and companionship. Now was the time that you needed someone.

After finishing your journal entry, you ventured out into the corridors, finding the gentle hum of seaQuest to be soothing. In the mess hall, you poured yourself a mug of coffee from the vending machine and took a seat in the back corner of the room.

“I thought I was the only one who had insomnia,” a voice came.

“What? Oh, sorry,” you apologised, raising your head out of your hands to see Jim Brody.

“You okay?” Brody asked, approaching you. He was dressed in his uniform, obviously in the middle of night shift.

“I’ll survive,” you chuckled wryly.

“You don’t sound very convincing, you know?”

There was a sincerity in Brody’s eyes that you had always been drawn to. He never minced his words or failed in keeping his promises.

You sighed deeply and looked at your untouched coffee. “How do you handle it when you like someone but have your reservations?”

“What kind of reservations?”

“If I tell you something, will you promise not to tell another soul? I’m so ashamed.”

Brody began to look puzzled and slightly nervous. “Umm, okay.”

“Lucas admitted that he has feelings for me, and I know I feel something for him. But the age gap terrifies me, Jim. And you know how sulky he can be when you say no to him.”

Brody smiled and then sighed. “I know you two have always been close, but maybe if you’re feeling uncomfortable, it’s something you need to deal with yourself. You’re both adults and it’s down to you both. Don’t try and seek everyone else’s approval.”

“That’s what makes me ashamed: everyone else’s judgement.”

The shame and embarrassment of your admission made you look away and run your shaking hands through your short hair. It made you think back to the day you had your long locks cut off, which was the day before your first tour on seaQuest. It was an almost boyish cut, but there was no mistaking your femininity.”

“It’ll work out, I’m sure. Thanks for listening, Jim,” you said, forcing a smile.

You remained in the mess hall for a short while longer, sipping your coffee. The tall, broad figure of Dagwood drifted past the door as he cleaned. He never noticed you, but you watched him for a couple of seconds; his attention to his duty was unbroken and unwavering.

Sleep finally took you away a couple of hours later. In the dark of your quarters, you began counting. Gradually your heart rate slowed.

Suddenly your alarm was blaring! Pain rested behind your eyes and in your temples. No doubt it would remain with you for the rest of the day.

After a shower, you got dressed into your uniform and headed for the mess hall for breakfast. The bright overhead lights assaulted your eyes, making you wince.

Lucas, Tony and Lonnie were all sat together to the left hand side of the room. You suddenly felt sick, insanely sick. Tony looked at you, his eyes widening. Thankfully Lucas had his back to you. It was impossible for you to avoid him now; once you were up for duty, you couldn’t go back to quarters until the next shift rotation. On an almost mile-long submarine, and you couldn’t hide.

You grabbed fruit and a mug of herbal tea. With a huge sigh, you approached the table where your friends were, a spare seat having been left between Tony and Lucas.

Lucas swallowed hard and shifted in his seat as your perfume wafted up his nose, mixed with the smell of your sweet-scented hand cream.  

“Morning,” you said softly. Your eyes met Lucas’ and you could see the sadness swimming in them.

“You look awful,” Lonnie said. “Are you okay?”

“I didn’t sleep much last night,” you said, forcing another smile. “And it’s caught up with me this morning.”

By now and you could feel your pulse racing, thumping in your head and chest. Your hands were shaking, and you knew the day wouldn’t get any easier. Tony kept watching you as the atmosphere remained tense. Lonnie left a few minutes later, uncomfortable by the silence.

Lucas was looking down most of the time and once Tony had also left, he spoke, but didn’t look at you. “Are you okay?”

“Not really,” you admitted, swallowing hard.

Lucas heard the quiver in your voice and finally looked at you. “I’m sorry,” he said simply.

Almost on instinct, you placed your hand on his. “We’ll be okay. Whatever happens, we’ll be okay. Shore leave in two days. We can talk more then.”

That morning seemed to ease some of the tension between Lucas and you. On the bridge, you began to ease back into your laughter. You temporarily forgot your fatigue and the events of the evening previous. Until Lucas held your gaze for a few seconds longer than usual. Normally you looked away, trying to avert his attention elsewhere, but this time you maintained eye contact and smiled.

Tony smirked to himself, recognising that look anywhere.

**

The next two days passed without incident. You felt more at ease now and found yourself making jokes out of mundane things. As it always had, it entertained Tony greatly. The two of you played off each other in the mess hall. A lot of your jokes were at Captain Hudson’s expense. To most people, you outwardly seemed more suited to Tony Piccolo, but those closest to you knew better. The bond you shared with Lucas was unlike any other relationship on the boat. Even though you paled into insignificance when it came to Lucas’ IQ, you could both normally tell what the other was thinking with just one smile.

On the evening before shore leave officially started, Lucas remained in his quarters after shift rotation. There was still a deep pain when he saw you. When you turned your head and smiled, your eyes shining bright, he knew that he would love no other smile. Your attention to detail was unparalleled; that was obvious from the drawings of yours which littered your bedside wall. Your mind didn’t store facts, theories and calculations like Lucas’; it was curious, deep, questioning. You observed deeply. Your genius was in colours, shape, emotion, behaviour. Not cold fact like Lucas.

The Navy had taught you to be disciplined, orderly. No more piles of clothes left at the end of your bed or un-pressed clothing that hoped no one would notice. Why had you even enlisted? Was it your wanderlust? Perhaps. Or maybe it was a way to get away from the ordinary world and embrace your difference.

A sudden knock came to your door, a metallic tap.

“Come in,” you called, placing your copy of The Lord of the Ringsback on your shelf.

Lucas entered, not quite sure why he was even visiting.

“Sorry. I was tidying. You okay?” you asked.

“Yeah, I think so,” he replied.

“You think so?”

Lucas sat down on the edge of your bed and looked up at you as you placed your hands on your hips.

“Please don’t do that. You remind me of my mom,” he chuckled.

Somehow, that comment didn’t amuse you quite as much as it did Lucas. It hit a rather raw nerve that you had hoped you had figured out how to manage.

Lucas got up from his spot and stood before you, being slightly taller. “What?” he asked. You turned your head, shame surging through you again. But just then, the gentlest touch came to your cheek. Lucas’ large blue eyes were full of concern and adoration for you. His hand cupped your face and seconds later, you felt his lips against yours. Soft, unsure, but above all, kind. The kiss of a young man, some ten years your junior, was enough to remind you that there was still kindness in the world, especially amongst the male of the species.

Realisation hit you hard in the stomach and you turned from the kiss. You heard Lucas sigh and stepped back. “Have you thought about this properly? We’re at different stages in our lives. You’re just starting out in your adult years to find out what you’d like…”

Lucas cut you off. “You talk as though I have no idea what I want.”

You looked at him sadly, seeing the frustration in his face. “What experience have you had? Do you know if you want to get married? Have children? These are probably things you haven’t even considered yet. I’ve been forced to push it aside because I’m too different.”

Lucas remained quiet, not quite sure what to say.

“Please think on this more,” you said.

“I have,” he said in desperation, his hands cupping your face again. “I want to be with you, and whatever you want, you can have it.” His voice became a whisper and you kissed again.

You woke a few hours later at just after one in the morning. There was a solid warmth against your back and an arm draped over you. The two of you had fallen asleep after an evening of chatter and cuddles under the blanket.

In all the time that you had known Lucas, which was two years, you had never seen him smile so much as he had done that evening. True, since enlisting in the Navy, Lucas had had to grow up somewhat and that change in him had been amazing, going from a boy to a man. A seriousness had settled in him, overriding the boyishness.

You slid out of bed and positioned the blanket back over Lucas. He rolled over and mumbled in his sleep. Something about this still felt wrong. It made you concerned that everyone would see it as predatory. Everything that felt wrong was pushing you to begin writing up that transfer request. Crew from the infamous seaQuest were always welcomed aboard other UEO vessels. The sub still remained the pinnacle of the fleet, highly sought after by new officers for their first tour. A reserve list with thousands of names on had been written up, and if you left, then you’d open a door to someone more deserving of their placement. Allowing Lucas to get close to you had been an abuse of your authority.

“You’re making a habit of this, ain’t you?” Brody laughed, finding you in the mess hall again at an ungodly hour for the second time that week.

“Maybe I am,” you chuckled. “My sleep routine is shot to shit.”

“Did you get things sorted with Lucas?”

“I don’t know,” you groaned. “It still feels wrong. I’m seriously considering putting in a transfer. But I know that Hudson will only take a valid reason before signing off my request.”

“Are you absolutely sure about this?” Brody leaned closer to you across the table.

“I can’t stay, Jim. Things are getting too deep between me and Lucas, and I know that he’s always going to expect something that I can’t give him.”

“I can’t force you to go against what you think is right, but you know we’d all miss you. None of us would want to see you go.”

“I know that, and I thank you so much. You’ve all supported me and I absolutely love working on this boat.”

“Yeah, it is a great place.”

Suddenly, you stopped rigid, eyes wide as Lucas wondered into the room. Brody turned after seeing your expression, and then wished you both a goodnight.

“You okay?” Lucas asked, replacing Brody in the seat opposite you.

“Got a lot on my mind,” you told him.

Lucas reached out and curled his hand around yours. “What’s up? Talk to me.”

Tears filled your eyes and fell down your cheeks. “I can’t do this…I’m sorry…”

“What have I done?” he whispered.

“Nothing. Absolutely nothing,” you sobbed. Your gripped his hand tighter until he came and sat at your side. “You need someone your own age. I’m taking advantage of you with my authority and rank.”

“How are you taking advantage of me?”

“I’m ten years older than you and I’m a Lieutenant.”

“And why should that matter?”

“I…” words were lost.

“We’re both legal age and consenting adults. So does it really matter?” You remained quiet. Then you heard the gentle whisper of your name. “Does it really matter?” he asked again.

“I was considering putting in a transfer,” you said, the words tumbling from your mouth like an avalanche.

“No….no,” Lucas begged, drawing his hand up your face. “Don’t leave me.”

You couldn’t help but kiss his hand and lean into his touch.

“Captain Bridger left. I don’t know if I could handle you leaving, too.” Lucas’ eyes were wide and full to the brim of tears. Everyone in Lucas’ life had left him or cared little, never putting him as their priority.

And you knew then that no matter the outcome of your relationship status, you couldn’t leave. Lucas needed an open ear, heart and mind to express himself to. He’d found that in you.

As everyone prepared their belongings in order to enjoy three days of shore leave, you sat in your quarters with music playing away on your com-link. There was a positive buzz outside your door and foot traffic was loud. It was always the same whenever shore leave was approaching.

A knock came to your door.

Tony appeared. “Mornin’!” he chirped happily. “All ready to go?”

“Yes, I think so,” you replied.

“Lucas told me about your conversation over the transfer. I’m glad you told him you’d thought about it. Are you still considering it?”

You sighed and looked towards Tony. “No, I’ve decided not to leave. Whatever happens, I know my place is here. Lucas has had enough people walk out on him. He needs at least one person to stay.”

“Make sure you’re stayin’ for the right reasons.”

“I thought you wanted me to stay,” you replied with a smile.

“I do. We all do. But you’ve got to want to stay for yourself.”

“Everyone here feels like the friends I never had and the family I lost touch with. Of course I don’t want to leave.”

As everyone began gathering in the corridors to head to the docking bays, you stood between Lucas and Brody, dressed in your shore uniform. As usual, Tony was telling jokes to keep everyone amused.

“Do you ever pause for breath?” you asked, laughing.

“Only when I’m sleepin’, and even then I still talk,” Tony countered.

“He’s right there,” Lucas mumbled.

Shore leave began with all of you checking into a local hotel in downtown just from the seaQuest berth. As usual, the UEO paid for all expenses incurred on shore leave.

Lucas looked on a little suspiciously when you announced that you were next door to Brody and Lonnie, but he was on the floor below. He merely smiled at you, swept a glance to Brody and Lonnie, then disappeared to his own room.

In your room, you placed your bag down on the bed and began inspecting the cleanliness of the place.

You made sure you had a bath before doing anything else. The heat relaxed you and the sweet scent of lavender and jasmine wrapped around you. For a short while and you forgot all the trials in life, all the things that kept you up at night and made you over think. Suddenly, your phone began to chime. With a groan of irritation, you lifted yourself out of the tub, wound a thick towel around yourself and picked up the ringing nuisance from your bed.

“Are you alright? You took a while to answer,” Lucas’ questioning voice came.

“I’m fine. I was taking a bath.”

“Oh, okay. Do you mind if I come and see you?”

“Give me ten minutes to get dressed. I’m in room 712.”

“Okay. Bye.”

He seemed put out somehow. You sensed disappointment in his voice. Did he think you were avoiding him purely because you took time to answer his call? There was definitely a lot that needed to be ironed out between you both.

Lucas came to your room shortly afterwards, holding two paper cups of coffee, probably from the vending machine on his floor.

You thanked him for the coffee and then sat opposite him on your bed. You pulled your leg under yourself and watched him lower his head in that way he always did when he was unsure. “If this is how things are going to be between us now, then I wish they would just go back to how they were,” he said. His voice as pained by the realisation of all the tension he’d placed on your once deep friendship. For a young man who was so intelligent, far beyond that of most people, he held a lot of insecurity and uncertainty. He wore his heart on his sleeve and had never been able to hide his true emotions. There was an honesty and innocence that drew you in. A purity of heart. But also a sadness. If everyone else had abandoned him, how could you be so selfish and do the same thing?

“What’s wrong?” you asked.

Lucas was staring blankly into his coffee. “This. All of it.” He then looked up at you. “The last few days have been hell. I haven’t known what to say or do. And even if you don’t feel anything for me, can we just go back to the way things were?”

“I’m sorry,” you whispered. “I’ve driven a gap between us out of my own fear. Maybe I felt that backing away would help. Being around each other constantly only makes the feelings deepen. I’ve missed you and I do have feelings for you. A lot of them. I was scared of everyone judging me because I’m older and abusing my authority. I have to be careful, Lucas. Especially now that Captain Bridger is gone. He didn’t push Naval code like Hudson does.”

“I know that,” Lucas said, edging in a little closer towards you. That beautiful scent. It made his deeper instinct ride; butterflies were flapping with ferocity in his gut. “You worry too much about what other people think of you.”

“We’re not civilians, Lucas,” you reminded him.

“What would you have done with your life if you never enlisted?”

You took a sip of your coffee and smiled. “As a kid, I always wanted to be a vet, so I’d have worked with animals more than likely.”

“What made you enlist? You’ve never had that typical Navy way about you.”

“I finished university with a useless degree in English and I saw advertisements at a job fayre. I wanted something new and interesting. I almost failed my initial medical though.”

“Why?”

“I was taking medication for panic attacks. I stopped taking it a week before my examination and never declared it. Who wants a Naval officer who’s always anxious?”

“I don’t believe that at all. You’re probably the most chilled of anyone when we have an emergency.”

You chuckled. “I’ve learned to control it. And I find when I’m leading others, I’m more at ease. I can be calm for other people but not myself.”

That evening, a large group of you decided to head for a sit down meal at a local restaurant. Piano music was playing overhead and the lighting was dimmed, adding to a relaxing atmosphere. The waiter, a hook-nosed Italian man in overly tightly trousers, guided you over to a large, round table in the back corner.

You nudged Brody and pointed to the waiter. “It’s a wonder he doesn’t pop a nut.”

Lonnie and Tony immediately smiled, enjoying the fact that your usual self was coming back to the surface.

The whole meal was laid back, fun and light-hearted. You couldn’t help but notice the subtle glances that were exchanged between Lonnie and Jonathan Ford. Tim O’Neill seemed a little irritated by it, rolling his eyes a couple of times. When you saw Tim be so quiet, it reminded you of Miguel Ortiz, whom you had had a slight crush on when you first came aboard seaQuest. He and Tim had been good friends, and since Miguel’s passing in combat, Tim seemed a little lost at times.

By the time that the meal was over, most of the group had disappeared into the bar. There was only you, Lonnie and Jonathan Ford left at the table, which made you feel like a spare part. You excused yourself and walked out the front door of the restaurant. Chatter and laughter filled the air outside on the veranda. Dozens of people were drinking, eating and enjoying the night time air.

You began to walk, crossing the street and heading onto the empty beach. The chill in the air, the bright, full moon and the sound of crashing waves soothed you. In a hectic world where you were constantly fighting for control, you were now centred. Everything was simple. No worry. No orders. Just the stars, sand and sea.

Lucas looked for you, only to spot you standing on the beach. He could tell you from across the street. Proud shoulders, hands in pockets, bright coloured blouse, bandana in hair. That could only be you.

“You okay?” he asked.

You turned and smiled, then stepped back towards him. You curled your arm through his and put your head on his shoulder. The two of you remained quiet for a few minutes, enjoying each other’s company. To Lucas’ surprise, you took his hand and held it tight.

Tony and Brody looked on from the front of the restaurant.

“If the age gap is their only concern then they’ve got more going for them than most couples,” Brody said.

“He’s definitely lucky to have her.”

By the time you made it back to the bar in the restaurant, you and Lucas were hand in hand. Tony grinned at you both and then cheered, drawing attention from the rest of the crew who were all sat in a booth together.

Laughter ensued almost immediately as all the men, apart from Lucas, began competing in a drinking game.

“One, two, three,” Tony counted, banging his free hand on the table top. All of the participants of the game tossed shots down their throats, then proceeded to continue on with a further two, downing them as quickly as possibly without vomiting. Tim O’Neill gagged, almost propelling his meal from his gut. Jim Brody fell into a coughing fit. Jonathan Ford blinked hard, pushing vodka-induced tears away. Tony merely laughed, playing a drum beat on the table.

You could sense Lucas’ eyes on you as you sat beside each other. His arm was stretched across the back of the seat behind you. His nerves were finally beginning to settle a little, reminding himself again and again that it was still you. You were the same person he had known now for almost two years and had had a bad crush on the whole time. There were so many times that he had imagined how you would feel under his fingertips, the way your lips would taste against his, the sound of your hitched breath as you kissed with passion. And you did not disappoint. All of his fantasies had fallen short of the beauty of reality.

Around midnight and the men of the group were considerably less sober than when they’d arrived for dinner just over four hours earlier. Tony was now daring Brody to go swimming in the sea naked, which the Lieutenant was actually considering to do. Ford and O’Neill were arm wrestling, leaving you to chat with Lucas and Lonnie. A bottle of expensive red wine was on the table. Lonnie sipped from her glass now and again, encouraging you to have a drink, but you never drank alcohol as it only made your anxiety worse.

“I’m going to retire to bed, I think,” you announced.

“I’ll walk you back,” Lucas proposed.

Together, you and Lucas began your short walk back to the hotel. You strolled along comfortably hand in hand. People walked past you, glancing at you for only a brief second before continuing on. No one stared like you thought they would. They were all unawares of the age gap between you both that you always thought was noticeable.

**

You woke the next morning to bright sunlight shining through the open curtains. Lucas was lying with his back to you. You slipped out of bed and disappeared into the bathroom.

Lucas heard the toilet flush and looked up at the ceiling, smiling. Would you regret the night previously? He hoped so much that you wouldn’t.

“Good morning,” you said with a smile, exiting the bathroom in your pyjamas.

“Morning,” Lucas replied, groggy with sleep and happiness.

You slipped back into bed and rolled over to him, kissing his lips. He seemed to gain more confidence the more that you kissed. The tension was seeping out of your actions the more that you acted on your feelings. Fear was losing its grip on you.

Both of you remained in bed for a short while, until you announced that you were getting dressed to head downstairs for breakfast.

“I’m tired,” Lucas groaned.

“Get up, Ensign. That’s an order,” you chuckled.

“Now who’s abusing their authority, Lieutenant?”

“Well if you’re expecting any kind of repeat of last night then you’re going to have to be well-behaved now, aren’t you?”

“You never seemed the type to subject me to blackmail.”

“I’m going to head down,” you said, putting the conversation back on a serious note. “Do you want me to bring you anything back up?”

Lucas just smiled. “I’ll come down with you.”

When you got downstairs, Lonnie and Commander Ford were already sat at a table for two. You and Lucas made yourself comfortable just across from them.

“How’s the head, Commander?” you chuckled.

“Strangely it’s okay. For now. No quick and sudden movements and I should be fine,” he replied with a smile.

You poured yourself a mug of English tea and began to eat your breakfast which had been served.

Tim O’Neill came half staggering into the large dining area and plopped down on a seat next to Lucas. “Remind me to never drink again,” he groaned.

Lucas looked up at you ever now and again, his blue eyes twinkling with something you hadn’t seen before. Contentment maybe? Or perhaps happiness? Whatever it was, you knew he needed both, and you hoped that you had given that to him.

The rest of that day was fairly eventful, with a visit to the local art museum with Lucas, Lonnie and Commander Ford.

Jonathan Ford couldn’t deny that he was shocked by the sudden and dramatic change in yours and Lucas’ relationship dynamic. His Navy instinct told him that something needed to be said, a warning to you both of potential consequences. But the kind side of him won out. Why try and damage that haze of happiness that was suspended around you both? Once Captain Hudson returned to the seaQuest, a relationship was something that you and Lucas would have to either end or keep secret. No way would Hudson advocate romance on his boat.

At the beach during the afternoon, Tony sat beside Lucas whilst you remained with Lonnie, enjoying an ice cream cone.

“So? What happened last night? Brody told me that you stayed in her room,” Tony enquired.

“Yeah, I stayed with her. What happened is none of your business,” Lucas replied.

“Lucas, come on! You gotta tell me. I didn’t arm you with rubber for nothin’!”

Lucas merely smirked. “Lets just say that it was put to good use.”

“Way to go, my boy!” Tony exclaimed.

“Tony, shut up. She’s only over there,” Lucas growled.

“So, I need details. How was it? Was she good?”

“None of your business,” Lucas hissed and moved away. He approached you and Lonnie, and as he looked at you, he knew there was only one word that could have described the night previously: incredible. No way was he about to disrespect you and discuss your private life with others.

“Can I borrow you for a few minutes?” he asked you.

“Yeah, sure,” you replied, and got up from the warm sand. “Everything okay?”

You both moved away from the rest of the group. “Yeah. I just wanted to be alone with you for a while.”

The two of you took a slow walk down to the water’s edge, the tide returning from its long descent out towards the horizon. Hand in hand, you were silent for a few minutes. The sun’s rays were warm against your back, but a gentle breeze refreshed the air, biting through the humidity. You felt that inner calm come flooding to the surface again. Lucas’ arm wound around your waist and you prayed in silence that this was the right thing for both of you.

[ahgaseda]

enough | four

even if everyone else leaves me, you’re enough for me, you’re my only one, stand by me forever, only you, just you...

summary : to survive as a single woman in the big city, you resort to letting rich men pay for your company, but never anticipated that your first client would be the boy you once loved, Jinyoung.

warnings : strong profanity, explicit dialogue, references to prostitution, mentions of gang activity, graphic sexual content, potentially triggering elements involving mental health, panic attacks, etc.

miniseries chapters : one / two / three / four / five / six / seven

Fingertips delicately brushing over your arm pulled you from peaceful dreams. Dreams of Jinyoung and how he used to smile. How you would squeeze his cheeks between your palms when he tried to hide behind his hand, afraid to show his teeth. It had taken you years to break him of that habit.

Humming with contentment, your eyes blinked sluggishly. You could feel the morning light filtering through and warming your skin with golden hues.

The body radiating heat behind you snared your attention in a heartbeat. You smiled when you felt him breathing heavily at your back. He had been sound asleep as well, but just couldn’t resist a touch of your soft skin as he started to wake.

His fingers continued tracing senseless patterns up and down your arm. You shivered at the pads of his fingers, shuffling backwards and even deeper into his embrace while he spooned you in his oversized bed. You glanced up, noting the sun was rising higher outside the window; a sign the two of you had slept quite late.

Jinyoung called your name sweetly and with a smile, you turned to face him. Closing your eyes, you burrowed yourself against his firm chest, tucking your head beneath his chin and draping your legs over his thighs.

“Good morning to you, too,” he teased, an arm coming to wrap tightly around your waist in gentle possession. Jinyoung would normally hide his smirk, but given your position against him, you wouldn’t see it and so he smirked freely.

You didn’t leave me, was the first thing that came to mind, but instead you hummed sleepily. Then, you giggled as his fingertips slipped beneath your shirt and began to dance up your spine.

After squinting against the sun to read the clock on the nightstand, Jinyoung sighed heavily and whispered, “Baby, I have to go.”

You shook your head adamantly, setting your hands to his shirt and gripping him as tightly as you could.

Jinyoung flushed at your newfound affection though in his many, many memories with you, you were always clingy in bed. He chuckled when you began to circle your arms and legs around him, like you could physically prevent him from leaving.

“I have business,” he told you, grabbing one of your hands and bringing your knuckles to his lips for a few appeasing kisses.

“Don’t leave,” you whined in a sleepy daze. “I finally have you back.”

Jinyoung melted, leaning in and kissing your brow. He cradled your head in the bend of his elbow and his hand trailed down your hip, guiding your thigh to hook higher on his waist. Pulling you closer into his warmth, Jinyoung met your opening eyes for only a second before capturing your lips in a heart-stopping kiss that made you smile against his mouth.

But the moment you drifted back to sleep, he was gone.

Jinyoung wanted to be angry with you, to punish you for leaving him behind. God knows his heart was still somewhere in a million tiny pieces on that driveway you left him on, but the caveat was Jinyoung didn’t actually want to hurt you.

Yes, he wanted you to suffer, but only in moderation.

When you finally came to, you wanted to be furious at being abandoned, but you were too overcome with a sense of victory after the events of the night before. Not only had Jinyoung pleasured you, but he allowed you to fall asleep in his arms and for the first time in nearly four years, you slept like a baby.

You had forgotten how it felt to wake up beside him, feeling the pads of his fingers caressing your bare skin. He was insatiable when it came to your body against his. Jinyoung always had to have his hands on you. You were his and he was yours.

Well rested but anticipating a long day, you crawled out of bed and raked your hands through your disheveled hair. Approaching the floor to ceiling windows, you gazed out at Seoul and its bustling, morning energy. You preferred the view at night, when the endless landscape of colors reflected into the darkness of the bedroom.

Turning around, you finally noticed your clothes folded neatly on the dresser. The same dresser Jinyoung had pinned you to the night before. Proceeding to gather your things, you smiled when you saw the note placed on top.

Sorry not sorry for ripping your shirt. I will buy you another, said the note in Jinyoung’s scribbled handwriting. You let out a giggle, rolling your eyes in amusement before tucking the paper into your bra for safe-keeping.

When you stepped into the living area, having dressed and tamed your hair, you greeted Jackson and Yugyeom, both of whom were absorbed in their phones while a cooking show played on the enormous flat screen in the background.

“Good morning, Your Majesty,” Yugyeom replied with a broad grin that scrunched his nose. “You scared us last night.”

“I’m sorry,” you apologized sweetly.

Wiggling his eyebrows playfully, Jackson asked, “Did you sleep well?”

You nodded and skipped to the adjoining kitchen, saying, “Yes, I was rewarded with a very nice orgasm.”

Yugyeom dropped his phone and clapped his hands loudly. “That explains why boss was in such a good mood,” he quipped, earning a sharp elbow from Jackson.

You snorted.

Pouring yourself a glass of orange juice and taking a sip, you asked with a pout, “Why did he have to leave so early?”

“It wasn’t early. It was almost ten,” said Jackson, pretending to chide.

You shrugged, bringing the glass to your lips and peering over the rim. The penthouse still floored you with its scale and size. Jinyoung couldn’t cook. He would never need this amount of space for a kitchen. It was sheer indulgence, plain and simple.

Jinyoung never cared about money, never sought after it. He said money made people crazy. Power, on the other hand, was his weakness. Setting down your glass, you mulled over what kind of business pulled Jinyoung out of bed with you.

Before you could ask any potentially dangerous questions, Yugyeom’s phone chimed and after reading, he said, “We’re under strict orders to take you back to your house. Boss ordered you brunch and it will be delivered there.”

“He said you have classes later,” Jackson added, rising and pulling on his jacket.

You grimaced. Thinking about studying paled in comparison to having Jinyoung on your mind. Nevertheless, classes weren’t going to pass themselves. “Actually I have study sessions for exams today. They’re next week.”

Yugyeom grabbed his keys and gave them a jingle. “Well, let’s hit the road then.”

The atmosphere was different from the day before. Any tension and anger you had been harboring was long gone. In fact, you smiled the entire way to your new home, especially with the way Jackson and Yugyeom bickered like an old married couple.

When Yugyeom pulled into your driveway, a delivery car was already waiting, handing Jackson a pair of rather large bags. The bodyguard tipped the boy handsomely and you eagerly rushed inside to scan the goods.

“Why is this kid spoiling me, but won’t let me spoil him?” you asked in a whine, pulling the food from the brown paper bags.

Yugyeom replied dryly, “Because he’s a manly man with a whole lot of pride.”

You retorted, “I just want to suck the soul out of him.”

Jackson grabbed a fork and deadpanned, “We never said he was smart.”

You laughed.

The three of you ate together like you had been best friends for years. Jackson and Yugyeom could hit the road as a comedic team with the way they bounced off of each other and made you cackle until your stomach hurt.

When you had finished your meal, you proceeded to clean up and bid the boys farewell. Yugyeom held you snugly when you hugged him and earned a slap on the back from Jackson.

“This is awkward,” Jackson chuckled. “We aren’t actually leaving.”

“Oh?” you questioned, brows raised.

“I drive. He...,” Yugyeom hesitated.

“Watch. I keep watch,” Jackson interjected, flashing a comforting grin.

You narrowed your eyes suspiciously. “The two of you aren’t going into the study sessions with me, are you?”

Jackson waved his hands. “Of course not. Yugyeom will drive us and I will just hang out around campus. As far as you’re concerned, I’m a prospective student that loves to gab around the quad.”

“Okay,” you said, skeptical.

After a long, hot shower, you dressed comfortably and readied your backpack with notebooks and textbooks and any other books needed for your study sessions until your bag weighed a thousand pounds.

When your phone rang, you smiled at the screen and answered, “Hello?”

“It’s me,” Jinyoung greeted, as if he had forgotten he was saved in your contacts now. “I just wanted to check in.”

You bit your lip to keep from grinning, pleased at how much he had softened in the past twenty-four hours, and murmured bashfully, “I’m glad you did.”

Jinyoung took note of your tone and smiled, not that you could see it. “Am I interrupting classes?”

“No, I’m about to leave,” you replied, hoisting the backpack onto your shoulder. “Apparently Jackson and Yugyeom are babysitting me.”

“You can send them away anytime you want. I just thought having the two of them around would make things easier for you.”

There was always a certain note in Jinyoung’s tone when he lied. His voice sounded like a news anchor telling you reassuringly that everything would be fine whilst the world was literally on fire. You weren’t an idiot. Most of the girls already warned you that on occasion their wealthy clients kept tabs on them. Security protocols and whatnot.

At your brief silence, Jinyoung decided to change the subject. “Which exam will you be prepping for?”

“Statistics. It’s actually a lot of fun when it’s applied to situations rather than dull numbers on a sheet like in regular math.”

Jinyoung wrinkled his nose. In no way, shape or form was any variation of math fun. But he enjoyed your enthusiasm. “Uh-huh. And which class is kicking your ass?”

“That would be physics,” you droned with loathing. “I’m afraid its fundamentals are completely lost on me.”

Noting the clock, you headed out the door in search of your babysitters.

“What does physics have to do with becoming a doctor?”

“Oh, a question I have asked myself many, many times since I discovered I would have to take not one, but two semesters of it,” you joked, following Jackson to the car. “I think it’s primary function is to weed out the weak ones.”

“In that case, kick its ass right back,” said Jinyoung, eyes flickering when the door at the opposite end of the warehouse opened.

Sliding into the passenger seat, you glanced at Yugyeom as he backed the car out of the drive and lowered your tone, “Will I see you again tonight?”

Jinyoung exhaled loudly and your heart sank. “Afraid not. I have a lot of work to do.”

You sulked, wanting to press the issue, but knowing full well Jinyoung was a stone wall. “Oh,” was all you said.

Hearing the disappointment, Jinyoung shifted his weight, looking down at his shoes. You made him like a crazy, hormonal teenager all over again. He just wanted to spend every waking moment with you, listening to you talk excitedly about things he didn’t give a shit about if only to hear the joy in your voice. He missed the simple days of having time alone on the couch with you and a boring ass movie, which was a perfect excuse to pull you beneath him and mar your beautiful skin with hickies.

Jinyoung cleared his throat, snapping out of the thought.

Gripping the phone a little tighter, you started, “Jinyoung, I…”

There was a sudden influx of noise in the background and Jinyoung grumbled under his breath, “I have to go. Study hard, baby.”

You opened your mouth to continue, but the line went dead.

Flustered, you glared at the phone. I love you, was what you had wanted to say, but you choked. What if he didn’t say it back just to torture you?

His words from your first night as your client rolled back into your mind, Imagine that - having to pay for the love of my life... Once upon a time, that’s what you had been. It didn’t mean he still felt the same way. In fact, his level of bitterness could only be from losing one’s love.

Jinyoung was tempered now. He was grown. And you leaving him had partially shaped him into the man he had become. And that could be a man no longer capable of trusting and loving you as he once had.

That notion made you want to cry and you quickly shook your head, freeing your mind of its obsession with Jinyoung. As Yugyeom drove, you pulled out the physics textbook and proceeded to read, drowning yourself in mundane words that only seemed to repeat.

Meanwhile, on the other side of town, Jinyoung slid the phone into his back pocket and moved back to Jaebeom’s side, scowling at the abrupt arrival of his unpredictable ally.

Jiwon was ambitious. In fact, he was specifically after Jinyoung’s spot, a fact Jinyoung was well aware of and why he chose to keep Jiwon in the loop of some of his business dealings. The problem was Jiwon embodied everything Jinyoung despised in a business partner.

He was loud, flashy. Had no respect for law enforcement and how easily they could unravel the threads that held everything together. He dabbled in contraband that Jinyoung would never dare involve himself with and tended to fly by the seat of his pants rather than plan anything out.

Jiwon took the last drag out of a cigarette before tossing it to the floor. “Jinyoung-ie, how goes it, brother?”

“You’re late,” Jinyoung sneered. “As usual.”

“Deepest apologies,” Jiwon mocked, putting a hand over his heart. “I was distracted by some Daegu pussy, but I’m here now.”

“Fantastic,” Jinyoung groaned.

Jiwon raked a tongue over his teeth and said, “Speaking of hot pieces of ass, I saw that little slice of yours.”

Jinyoung’s eyes hardened and his voice came out a slow growl, “Excuse me?”

“You know the one I’m talking about,” Jiwon continued, grinning. “Walks around smiling like a little princess, but I bet she loves it rough. Doesn’t she, Jinyoung-ie?”

Jinyoung could feel his blood boiling. Suddenly, everything in the room was painted in red hues. How he had always despised Jiwon, but now, he was talking himself into the nearest harbor.

Jaebeom shuffled slightly, feeling the tension. His eyes were hot enough to burn coal.

Jinyoung stepped closer, lowering his voice in a warning. “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Ever heard that phrase, Jiwon?”

Jiwon nodded. “Of course.”

“Don’t ever be deluded into thinking I keep you around because I cherish your company,” Jinyoung hissed.

Jiwon clapped his hands. “Shit, she is the bitch you’ve been holding out for. I’m impressed.”

Jinyoung set his jaw. He couldn’t lose his composure, couldn’t let this asshole know what you meant to him. Instead, he warned calmly, “You’re walking on thin ice with me.”

“Do I sense some panic in your voice, Jinny? After all, if I saw her, others may have, too.”

Jinyoung switched tactics. “What do you want?”

Jiwon held up his arms and shrugged, noncommittal. “I know I notoriously play both sides, but there’s a deal going down and I want you on my side.”

Jinyoung's expression hardened. “I don’t take sides in that bullshit you play. I notoriously stay in my niche. You know I don’t get involved in the corruption game.”

“Well, today you do. My team is going to hijack a shipment and you’re going to help me.”

“And if I don’t?” Jinyoung asked with a tilt of his head.

Jiwon sucked in a breath between his teeth, to make it sound like he was almost wincing. He blithely took out his phone, turning the screen to give Jinyoung a view. The picture was of you, smiling at a classmate with books held in your arms.

“I know plenty of bad, bad men that could break in such a good girl for you.”

The words had barely made their way from his mouth before Jinyoung was on him, grabbing Jiwon by the collar and shaking him like a ragdoll. When his guard made a move with a measly switchblade, Jaebeom calmly put a hand on the gun attached to his belt.

“I will kill you,” Jinyoung hissed in his face. “Do you hear me?”

Jiwon sneered, “You of all people should have known better than to give in to your weakness.”

Jinyoung was ready to rip him inside out and that was evident as he spoke, “Weakness is the last thing you will think of when you think of me.”

But Jiwon merely laughed, a sound devoid of pity or fear. “I own you now.”

Jinyoung released him roughly and held his ground, watching Jiwon slink away with a broad, impish grin.

Jaebeom moved closer and murmured in hushed tones, “He won’t do anything.”

“Have her brought to my place,” Jinyoung whispered, hands trembling. “Now!”

It was late afternoon when you finished your study sessions, feeling confident in your ability to ace the oncoming exam. With statistics prep out of the way, you devoted yourself to the neverending battle between you and physics.

Jinyoung had already said he wouldn’t be able to see you tonight. With that thought, you donned an overgrown sweater and some knee-high socks to keep your feet warm. Then, you plopped on your bed and cracked open the books.

Time passed swiftly and you were shocked to see the sun had faded from view just outside your window. Taking a quick and hard earned reprieve, you massaged your aching hand, tense from the overabundance of notes you were scribbling, and you jolted on the bed when Yugyeom burst unannounced into your room.

“What the hell,” you exclaimed, tugging down your sweater to hide your exposed thighs.

Yugyeom panted, “Boss wants me to bring you to the penthouse.”

You relaxed, but rolled your eyes over the needless interruption. “He said no booty calls tonight.”

“He wants to see you. Something has upset him, but they won’t tell me more than that.”

That tidbit of information intrigued you. “Okay, but I’m bringing my books to study while I wait.”

“Fine by me.”

Jackson’s behavior was your first red flag. Rather than his jovial, talkative self, his eyes were on the surroundings, watching and waiting like something could be lurking just beyond. In fact, he didn’t say a word as he opened the car door and slammed it shut behind you.

Jaebeom’s behavior was your second red flag. He was there at the building to greet you, opening your door and grasping your elbow to practically hoist you out of the car. Managing to sling your backpack over your shoulder, you asked, “Has it finally happened? The zombie apocalypse?”

Your joke fell on deaf ears.

Jaebeom looked to Jackson and said, “Basement.”

Jackson nodded his understanding, then turned to you and said, “Go with Jaebeom.”

You merely bobbed your head before Jaebeom ushered you to the back elevator. You crossed paths with the friendly Mr. Jung, who discreetly accepted a roll of bills from Jaebeom’s outstretched hand.

Heat flared across your cheeks. Jinyoung was going to get a piece of your mind when you saw him. All this sneaking about and acting like at any moment a sniper was going to drop you. Then, your heart fell somewhere in the pit of your stomach. Years away had let you forget the constant feeling of living in danger.

The gangs had turned your home into a warzone. Suddenly, you were right back where you started and the thought made your eyes water.

“Where is Jinyoung?” you asked in the elevator.

“On his way,” Jaebeom answered shortly.

You almost hadn’t expected an answer. Jinyoung clearly was putting you on lockdown. You peered up at Yugyeom and he offered a gentle smile, as clueless as you were. At least, you weren’t alone.

Jackson vanished into the darkness of the basement, the echo of his footsteps ricocheting off of the concrete walls. Spotting the only other person inside, he called out, “Jaebeom is on guard. Now, what the hell happened?”

Jinyoung stepped out of the shadows and said, “That bastard has a picture of her on his phone. He showed it to me.”

Jackson appeared unfazed. “Alright, we will increase security and I can…”

Jinyoung whirled around and grabbed the nearest crate, shoving it into a heap rolling across the ground. Then, he roared, “How could I be so stupid?”

Jackson shook his head. “You’re not.”

“I kept my distance for almost five goddamn years,” Jinyoung shouted, angry and scared. “I was good. I knew it was safer that way while I did what I had to do. But she broke me. The minute I found out she was gonna sell herself, I had to jump in.”

“I know,” said Jackson, unmoving.

Jinyoung’s next words came out shakily, “I have a whole list of enemies that will tear her apart in front of me.”

Jackson reminded firmly, “We’re better than them.��

“Are we? Because I’m losing my fucking mind at just the thought of someone laying a hand on her!”

“No one will.”

Jinyoung was the epitome of composure. He never lost his temper and he never allowed himself to be a slave to his emotions, which was why an outburst such as this was exceedingly rare. Jinyoung didn’t know what to do when his heart took hold, but Jackson did.

“I made a lot of enemies. I tore people apart to get here. You know that, brother,” Jinyoung choked, tears in his eyes. “None of them would bat an eye at taking her away.”

Jackson knew that was enough. He stepped forward and grasped Jinyoung by the shoulders, levelling his voice, “Stop and listen to me for a second. Why do you have me and Jaebeom? Why does Mark spend almost every waking hour behind a computer?”

Jinyoung stilled.

“The answer is for bullshit like this. Do you have any idea how many threats we have neutralized before they got to you?”

Jinyoung snorted. “Would you like a raise?”

Jackson chortled and waved him away. “You pay me more than enough.”

Jinyoung put his hands on his hips and lowered his gaze to the ground in shame, shaking his head from side to side. “I should send her away. I should leave her.”

“It’s too late for that. They know she’s your baby.”

“Yeah, she is.” Jinyoung slumped in defeat.

Jackson simpered. “It happens to all of us, brother.”

Jinyoung relented. No one could talk him down like Jackson.

Jackson looked at him expectantly, seeing Jinyoung had calmed. Then, he cocked his head toward the elevators.

As the two headed up to the penthouse, Jinyoung asked, “How was she today?”

Jackson didn’t hesitate to sing your praises. “Exam prep is putting her through the ringer, but I’ve never seen someone so determined to kick school’s ass.”

Jinyoung snickered. That sounded like you. When you got knocked down, you laughed and got back up. When you set your mind to something, no one could stop you. Jinyoung frowned, wondering at what moment you had decided to leave him all those years ago.

“And she constantly checks her phone, waiting for you to text her,” Jackson added, leaning back against the rail. “When you checked on her this morning, you should have seen her smile.”

“Stop making it worse,” Jinyoung grumbled, shooting him an insincere glare.

Jackson beamed. “You’re welcome.”

Nestled comfortably on your side in Jinyoung’s bed, you poured over your textbooks, filling your pages with notes. Flashcards lay in a messy crescent around you. All a result of you trying to distract yourself from Jinyoung.

Inevitably, you crashed, falling asleep in the warmth and comfort of his bed. Your brain was exhausted from absorbing so much information, and the city lights and soft music had lulled you to sleep. If his playlist was any indication, Jinyoung preferred melancholy, slow songs to soothe his aching heart.

You would fix that later, but for now, you rested.

Jinyoung breezed through the kitchen, tugging off his jacket and draping it over the couch in the living area. Glancing around, he turned back to the bodyguard and asked, “Where is she?”

“Bedroom,” was all Jackson said.

“You can go now,” Jinyoung sang, dismissing him with a wave of his fingers.

Jackson chuckled and headed for the elevator.

Jinyoung entered his room ever so quietly, letting out a long exhale of relief when he saw you sound asleep within a ring of textbooks and study materials. First, he unfastened his button-up and discarded it on the bedpost. Then, one by one, he pulled your books from around you and stacked them neatly on the dresser.

Settling in behind you, Jinyoung contoured his body to yours, propping his head on his arm while his free hand landed on your hip and began to curl around your waist. He just needed you safely in his arms. If anyone so much as gave you a sideways glance, there would be hell to pay.

Jinyoung remembered why he had joined the gang in the first place - to protect you. He learned that when you can’t beat them, join them. But he had never expected that would be the tipping point. He joined the gang and you left him. Ever since that day, Jinyoung had warred with himself over his decision. Maybe you had seen it as betrayal. Even when he explained that he had done it for the both of you, you didn’t accept that and you sure as hell didn’t forgive him.

And then, you were gone.

Jinyoung realized he had been the only one keeping you tied there. You had given up on everything and everyone else, and then he cut the final cord. Sometimes he told himself it was the right thing to do. You were able to leave and find a new life, the life you had always wanted.

But Jinyoung always wanted to be a part of that life. Not many kids could say they had found their soulmate and Jinyoung, as much as he hated the notion, knew you were the person he was meant to spend his life with. There was never any doubt in his mind.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered under his breath, knowing you weren’t listening. I gave you no choice, he pondered sadly. Tightening his grasp around your body, he tucked his face to your hair and lingered in the scent of you. He just needed to hold you until he found his strength again.

You hummed quietly in your sleep; a tiny inconsequential noise that completely set his veins ablaze. Your body instinctively shuffled back, seeking his warmth and the constant of him beside you. Jinyoung raked his eyes down your form, intent on your bare thighs. For fuck’s sake, had you come to his penthouse in a sweater and knee-high socks and nothing else?

Jinyoung brushed his fingers through your hair, exposing your neck, and left a few gentle kisses at the curve of your shoulder. “Bad girl,” he whispered darkly in your ear.

Your lashes fluttered before your eyes opened, and you immediately shuddered at the feel of his wet lips on your neck. “Jinyoung…,” you sighed.

“Hi, baby,” he replied, mischievous. “How many people saw these pretty thighs today?”

You could hear the jealousy in his tone and it made you smirk. “They rushed me here urgently.”

“I will let it slide…,” he said, nipping at your ear. “This time.”

You reached back to grab a handful of his thick hair, tugging him forward so you could mold your lips to his in a kiss. You had missed him deeply. Jinyoung let you, though his hand began to wander. You felt yourself melting into his kisses, slow and warm, that when his fingers slipped beneath your sweater, you didn’t notice until a digit hooked in the band of your underwear.

Pulling at his hair, you took his lip between your teeth and yanked gently. Then, meeting his eyes, you whispered, “Those are a present for you.”

“For me?” he asked, clearly piqued.

“Mm-hm.”

Jinyoung gave you a chaste peck on the corner of your mouth in farewell, then he moved down your body to get a better look. You watched him push the hem of your sweater up to your ribs, exposing the cute pink panties you were wearing. After biting his lip with appreciation toward the view, he began kissing his way up your thigh.

“Rough day?” you asked anxiously.

“The worst,” he huffed, proceeding to suck a blemish on your hip.

You choked out a word that sounded vaguely like his name, squeezing your thighs together to calm the aching in your core at how close he was to your most intimate part. Jinyoung, with his kisses alone, could have you completely pliant beneath him, begging him to give you release.

Jinyoung called your name.

“Hm?”

His lips broke from your skin and he lifted his head to look you dead in the eyes. “I’m gonna eat this pussy.”

Your eyes widened and your heart promptly thundered inside your chest. “...You have my permission.”

Jinyoung flashed his teeth in a smile at the dumbfounded look on your face and said, “Good.”

Your lover lifted your leg, letting it rest on his shoulder as he buried his face against your clothed folds, giving your cunt open-mouthed kisses. Your head fell back and you tried to roll onto your back, but Jinyoung held your hips in a vice and kept you on your side. He never gave an inch.

You reached down to thread your fingers into his messy hair, remembering how much he loved when you raked your nails through his locks while he sucked you dry. Sensitive after the years apart, you trembled with the way he kissed your pussy like he was starved. He flattened his tongue between your lower lips, tasting your essence through the fabric of your panties.

“Babe,” he called from between your legs, voice having descended an octave or two with lust. “As much as I love my present…”

You felt him winding his fists through the material and before you could reply, the panties snapped like they never stood a chance.

“They’re in my way,” Jinyoung finished with a dark smile, peeling the torn remains from your body and tossing them over his shoulder.

“I loved those,” you pouted, trying to sound sulky and not meaning a single word.

“I’ll buy you ten more,” Jinyoung said impatiently, bringing his lips to your bare pussy and taking a long, hungry lap of the arousal slipping between your folds.

You let out a noise and it completely embarrassed you, which could only mean Jinyoung loved it and wanted to hear it again as soon as possible. His arms tangled through your thighs, round your hips, and he kneaded your flesh in tandem with the sucking and licking of your cunt. You stole a breath and held it, trying to keep your sounds at bay lest you give him any more reason to tease you.

But that only spurred him on more. Jinyoung glanced up from your glistening pussy to see the tension on your face, his cock twitching in his jeans as he watched you grab a handful of the blanket and try to hide your face against it. He stroked your beautiful hips, squeezed your plump ass, and nipped your soft thighs.

Jinyoung was tempted to taunt, to ask you how it felt to have him pump his tongue inside your wet cunt, but by the look on your face, that was answer enough. He watched your breasts rise and fall and decided he would suck those next when he finished making you come.

The room filled with the sounds of his tongue and lips working your soaked pussy, your whimpering and airy moans of his name, and the moody playlist still playing on loop in the background. You suddenly remembered the windows, where all of Seoul could be watching the view of his head between your thighs, but then you were reminded the glass was tinted.

What a shame.

Jinyoung found your swollen clit and teased it between his teeth. Your lower body immediately arched away from his mouth and a loud involuntary moan left you. Your clit was a live wire, hypersensitive from years of neglect, and each time he touched it, your stomach tightened.

Given your reaction, Jinyoung made your bundle of nerves his main target. He latched his lips to the nub and rolled it with his tongue, grinning when you could no longer fight back your noises of pleasure. His jeans were unbearably tight, cock moving on its own accord with the lewd squelches of your pussy begging to be filled by every inch of him.

You clawed your fingers through his hair, tugging hard to slow him down, and whimpered, “Jinyoung, oh… god. You’re gonna make me come.”

“That’s kinda the point,” he retorted, sinking his teeth into the flesh of your inner thigh.

Your clit was throbbing, pulsing, and every touch of his tongue was pushing you hard toward the edge. You wrenched your fist in the blanket and chanted, “I can’t. I can’t. I can’t…”

Suddenly, a hand crept between your breasts, fingers finding your throat and getting a solid grip.

“Jinyoung,” you choked, though his name barely made it out of your mouth.

Jinyoung squeezed and your whining stopped. You held his wrist in your hand, the other still tangled in his hair, and accepted you were along for the ride.

He was merciless against your clit, desperate to give you climax. His hold on your neck went slack after you had calmed and you felt more arousal gush from your folds at his show of dominance.

“Fuck,” you cursed, flexing your legs as your body tried to curl away from the stimulation.

Jinyoung reeled his hand back and landed a swat on your ass, smiling against your pussy with the way you squeaked.

“Jinyoung,” you cried out in disbelief, reaching toward his arm that held your thigh. You could feel taut, bulging muscles beneath the sleeve and knew you were wholly at his mercy.

A loud smack resounded through the room as another hit connected with your ass and Jinyoung sucked your clit like he had run out of patience and it was time to come.

Begging for mercy in a whine, you dropped your head to the mattress, hair falling wildly over your face and you arched your hips against his mouth, bouncing your ass into his face. Jinyoung coaxed his hand over your heated flesh, leisurely tracing your skin to give you an ever-present reminder how quickly he could spank you again if you misbehaved.

With every breath, you let out some mortifying sound. Your clit thrummed and the scalding heat at the apex of your thighs was about to spill over and ruin you.

Without warning, Jinyoung pulled away from your aching pussy and was chest-to-chest with you in the blink of an eye, his hand still poised around your throat.

Once he had your undivided attention, his hand landed on your folds.

You cried out in surprise.

“You wanna come for me?”

Before you could answer, his palm landed on your sex again.

“Yes, yes, yes,” you chanted hurriedly. You were right on the edge, so close you could taste it. “Please let me come.”

Jinyoung bit his lip, failing to hide a smile. His pupils were blown wide, lost in arousal and pleasure. Bringing his mouth to your neck, his wet lips pressed kisses beneath your ear, and then he whispered, “On my face or on my cock?”

It was a no contest decision. “On your cock,” you replied without missing a beat, eyes wide and expectant. “Please.”

Jinyoung tapped the flat of his hand on your pussy to some random rhythm, keeping you lingering near the edge. Every brief moment of pressure on your clit was enough to make you press your thighs together.

“Please,” you said again.

Jinyoung shook his head in amusement, flashing a devilish smile at how far gone you were already. “You want me to fuck you, huh?” he teased, slipping his tongue over your bottom lip, red from where you had been biting.

“More than anything.”

Jinyoung let his gaze lock with yours momentarily before he smirked and moved back between your legs, finding your entrance with his mouth again and lapping his tongue inside.

Disappointed but not surprised that you wouldn’t be getting dick that night, you focused on your orgasm, hoping and praying he would finally give it to you.

With every roll of your hips, Jinyoung connected a smack to your ass and the sound ricocheted into your ears. You could feel your cheeks heating up, enough pressure on your neck to cloud your mind, and his name became a constant chant from your lips. Just the way he liked it.

Jinyoung returned to your clit and with his mouth, commanded your body to give him what he wanted. The intensity of release washed over you and by the way you shuddered in his grasp, Jinyoung knew you were suspended in ecstasy, but he didn’t slow down. He kept taking your clit between his lips and stimulating past your threshold.

You tapped out, tearing out of his grasp and pushing at his head until he finally set you free. Jinyoung rose to his knees and pushed you roughly to your back, gazing down at the mess he had made. You panted for breath and closed your eyes, waiting for your body to settle back down from its constant shaking.

“That pussy is still mine,” Jinyoung whispered in his gruff dialect, giving your dripping folds one last look.

When he began to move away from you, you came back to your senses and grabbed his wrist before he could get far.

Jinyoung turned to you in surprise.

“Why would you rather jack off than let me have you?” you asked desperately.

His reply was terse, “I got what I needed.”

You frowned. “Please.”

He cocked a brow and his tone was a little harsher than intended, “Please what?”

You were laid bare before him and it showed in your voice. “Touch me.”

Jinyoung was back to the game of refusing to give you what you wanted most. “Where do you want me to touch you?” he asked under his breath.

“Everywhere,” you admitted breathlessly.

He smirked, roaming his hand down your inner thigh. “Hard or gentle?”

Your lashes fluttered. “Both. Either.”

Then, he shifted mercurially and snapped, “Why would I? I’m angry with you.”

You said the first thing you thought would fix that. “I’m sorry.”

“You left me.”

As if you had forgotten. “Jinyoung…,” you started, reaching for him.

“Do your homework,” he told you dismissively.

The blood drained from your face and you gripped him tighter. “No, no, Jinyoung. Please.”

“Give me a reason.”

You yelled, “I’m sorry. Is that what you want to hear?”

He shrugged, and the gesture was absolutely maddening. “No, it does nothing for me.”

Anger danced up your spine and you spit venom, “Fuck you.”

Jinyoung took your jaw in his hand, leering down at you. The dominant streak you were praising only moments before was now front and center. “Test me one more time,” he hissed in warning. “I dare you.”

You stared up at him and hesitated. His eyes were intense, smoldering. You finally offered up one last plea, “At least let me watch.”

Jinyoung tilted his head. He expected you to say anything to appease him, but that certainly wasn’t one of them. “Shirt off,” he ordered lowly, making short work of his own top.

Pulling the sweater up and over your head, you lay beneath him and spread your legs invitingly. Jinyoung got comfortable on his knees between your thighs and began unbuckling his belt. You reached forward to help, but he swiftly batted your hands away.

Your eyes didn’t know where to settle. He was so much more muscular than before. The boy you knew was strong, but lanky. Food was a commodity back then, not a right. His arms and chest bulged with strength, and you had never seen such a chiseled set of abs in your life. Then, you caught sight of his happy trail and followed it all the way down south.

Once unzipped, Jinyoung pushed down his jeans and boxers to free his hard cock. He was so aroused, his length curved toward his abs and the head was angry, weeping. You watched as he reached between your legs, gathering your slick on his fingers and stroking his cock with your juices.

Your mouth was watering, salivating for a taste. You wanted his dick in your mouth, to return the favor of a mind-blowing climax to him. Your eyes followed every move of his hand, distracted only by the flexing of his defined abdominal muscles when he pumped the head of his length. Your core tightened on nothing, aching to be filled, and you quickly swallowed the saliva in your mouth to keep from drooling.

“I miss sucking your dick,” you blurted, shameless.

Jinyoung let his tongue linger at the corner of his mouth, twitching at the clouded arousal in your eyes. Then, his gaze fell to your breasts and he licked his lips hungrily.

Seeing him distracted, you wrapped your hand around his shaft, circling the head and teasing his slit with your thumb. Jinyoung sucked in a hard breath through his teeth, losing any and all resolve to slap your hand away.

You hummed softly at the girth of him in your hands, remembering all the times he stretched you open. He seemed even bigger than before, but still so hard. He could move like silk inside you, fitting just right.

You peered up at him with coy eyes. “I want you inside me so bad.”

Jinyoung stroked his thumb over your wrist while you worked his length and said, “That’s cute.”

You cut him a glare and jutted out your lip in a pout. “You’re vicious.”

“No more than you,” he countered, breath stuttering at your quickening attempts to get him off. “We always did have that trait in common.”

You pumped him harder, pleased when he released a tiny moan. “Come on, baby,” you crooned. “I know you’ve been hard this whole time.”

Your words must have pushed him over the edge, because Jinyoung snatched your fingers and held your hand at bay as he fisted his cock and rapidly jerked himself to release, groaning when his seed finally came.

You trembled with lust when his release coated your stomach and breasts. Jinyoung tipped his head back and let out a long sigh of relief, satisfied for the moment. You flushed at how badly he turned you on. The pleasure on his face coaxed you to madness, wanting nothing more than push him to his back and ride him into oblivion just so you could see the ecstasy on his face again.

His self control was admirable. Yours was dead and buried.

“Wait here,” Jinyoung said, clambering off the bed and disappearing into the bathroom.

You wanted to be a smartass, but didn’t have the energy. As far as you were concerned, it was night and you weren’t leaving his bed until morning.

When Jinyoung returned, he told you, “Hot bath is ready.”

You sat up and asked, “What about you?”

He seemed confused. “What about me?”

“Can we… talk or something?”

Jinyoung studied you, naked save for your socks. You just didn’t want to be parted from him, not even for a moment. With an exhale, he grabbed your thigh and removed the sock, then did the same with the other side. “Yeah, come on,” he finally relented.

You smiled victoriously and trotted yourself to the bathroom in all your nude glory, feeling his gaze on your plump backside.

Sinking into the scalding water, you hummed with delight. Jinyoung fought a smile as he lowered to sit beside the tub. You sloshed around, getting comfortable, and Jinyoung watched you with nothing short of adoration. Fuck, he was head over heels. Though he was mad as hell, everything you did was just too cute.

Propping your arms on the rim of the bathtub, you rested your head overtop and called gently, “Jinyoung?”

“Yeah, baby?”

Warmed by the gentleness of his voice, you blinked through the steam of hot water and asked, “Is there any hope for us?”

He leaned his head back against the wall, arms draped on his knees, and sighed, “I don’t believe in hope anymore.”

That tugged at your heartstrings. “Oh.”

Jinyoung kept his eyes on the ceiling, not wanting to see how sweetly you looked at him, and said, “I know you hate that I joined the gang. I’ll give you that.”

It was a start, but you were surprised to hear it. Jinyoung wasn’t the type to surrender so soon and he never admitted when he was wrong. “Then, why did you do it? After I begged and begged you not to,” you asked cautiously.

“Because I was good at it,” he confessed, finally turning back to you. “I got off on the power. I realized that for once in my life, I could have all the control.”

You shook your head. “Control is an illusion.”

“It’s not,” Jinyoung interjected and he sounded convinced. “I’ve tasted it.”

You found yourself wanting to reach over and grasp his hand, but it was too far out of reach. This was the Jinyoung you knew, who was only ever vulnerable with you when it mattered. “Was it worth it? Do you sleep well at night?”

“Same as before. That hasn’t changed.” He smiled softly and whispered, “I only sleep well when you’re beside me.”

You sighed, staring at him with affection.

Then, the obstinance returned to his face and he said, “I don’t care about all the evil things I’ve done. I did them for the right reasons.”

“The road to Hell is paved with good intentions,” you sang, the same way your father always did.

Jinyoung snorted. “I prefer a paved road to a rocky one.”

You were quick to tease, “So, is this the closest I will ever get to an apology?”

Jinyoung swallowed the lump in his throat and replied, “I will never ask your forgiveness for how I chose to survive without you.”

Your eyes batted with the threat of tears. Your mouth parted to say his name.

Jinyoung shushed you, grasping your jaw and leaning in to press a tender kiss to your lips. For a moment, he stared into your eyes with longing. Then, without another word, he stood to his feet and left.

Your heart wanted to burst. He was still so in love with you.

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a/n : this story was previously Lacuna on my old blog, minheoney. I’m really excited to finally finish it! This fic was my baby for so long and I’m ridiculously happy to give it a new home :)

Hey there, beautiful! If you enjoyed this, please leave a like or reblog or follow me! Or maybe buy me a coffee so I can keep writing? Or check out my masterlist here for more stories! Thanks for reading :) - Katya

This work is fictional and for entertainment purposes only, but is licensed and protected under a creative commons attribution-noncommercial-noderivatives 4.0 international license. Any instances of plagiarism will be dealt with accordingly. Do not re-post or translate without my permission.

{ copyright 2018-2020 © ahgaseda // all rights reserved }

[lifeofresulullah]

The Life of The Prophet Muhammad(pbuh): The Treaty of Hudaybiyah and Calling the Great States of the World to Islam

The Conquest of Khaybar

(7th year of the Migration, toward the end of the month of Muharram / AD 628)

Khaybar was a city located on a volcanic area and having seven strong castles. It was on the way of Damascus and in the north west of Madinah; it was about 100 miles (161km) away from Madinah.

Most of the Jews that were expelled from Madinah because they violated their treaty with the Messenger of God had settled there and they virtually transformed Khaybar to a center for Jews.

As we have mentioned before, the Jews living there caused the Battle of Khandaq to take place by organizing all of the Arab tribes around and leading them to Madinah. After the Battle of Khandaq, they did not behave well and they slandered and talked against Muslims everywhere.

On the other hand, they made a new treaty with Makkan polytheists. According to this treaty, the people of Khaybar would attack Madinah if the Prophet walked against Makkah; if the Prophet walked against Khaybar, the Qurayshi polytheists would attack Madinah. However, their plan failed due to the Treaty of Hudaybiyah.

The Messenger of God protected Madinah from the polytheists by signing the treaty with them. However, the north side (where Khaybar Jews lived) was still deprived of security. It was necessary for the acceleration of the Islamic development to make the north secure.

Besides, the greatest trade destination for Arabs was Damascus. The Jews were on this way and started to develop as a strong element. It was a danger in terms of Islamic development.

All of those reasons made it necessary for Muslims to settle the issue of Khaybar.

Moreover, God Almighty had promised Muslims the conquest of Khaybar in the chapter of al-Fath while returning from the Expedition of Hudaybiyah.

Setting off from Madinah

The Messenger of God decided to go Khaybar and told his Companions to get ready for the expedition.

Many people who had avoided joining the Expedition of Hudaybiyah due to their fear wanted to join the Expedition of Khaybar due to the booty to be obtained from this productive and fertile city. They said, “We want to go to Khaybar with you.”

Thereupon, the Prophet said, “Those who will fight in the way of exalting the name of God as it is necessary should get ready. Nobody else can come with us. They will not be given anything out of the booty.” He declared it openly to the people of Madinah.

This order of the Messenger of God clearly teaches us that jihad in the way of God needs to be made for the sake of God and without expecting or even thinking of any material returns.

Besides, the lofty and luminous aim of war in Islam is exalting the name of God.

Upon the order of the Messenger of God, Muslims gathered at once. There were 1600 people, two hundred of whom were cavalrymen. They were the Muslims that would set off from Madinah together with the Prophet. Afterwards, when the Prophet was in Khaybar, four hundred Muslims from the tribe of Daws, among whom was Abu Hurayra, and Muslim migrants who returned from Abyssinia would join the Islamic army.

Moreover, there were twenty women together with Umm Salama, one of the wives of the Prophet, in the Islamic army that set off from Madinah. They were going to treat the wounded mujahids, cook and meet the needs of the mujahids during the battle.

The Prophet appointed Siba’ b. Urfuta from Ghifar as his deputy in Madinah and set off toward Khaybar with his army toward the end of the month of Muharram.

The mujahids who had been painted by the spiritual paint of the prophethood proceeded with enthusiasm. Amir b. Aqwa, the poet, expressed his excitement and loyalty with the following poem: “O God! If you had not guided us, we would not have found the right path; we would not pay zakah nor perform prayers. When a nation walks against us and tries to make us exit from our religion, send tranquility to our hearts and make our feet strong when we fight.”

The Prophet asked who recited the poem. When he was told that Amir b. Aqwa recited it, he said, “May God show mercy on him!”

The mujahids hesitated for a second because this prayer meant that Amir was going to be martyred.

“He is neither deaf nor absent…”

The mujahids proceeded uttering takbirs. The earth and the sky resounded with the sound of takbirs. Once, they uttered takbir very loudly: “Allahu Akbar! Allahu Akbar! La ilaha illallahu Allahu Akbar!”

Upon this act of the Companions, the Messenger of God said, “Show mercy to your souls; do not shout so loudly. You are not addressing a dead being or a being that is absent. You are praying God, who knows and hears everything and who is near to everything from anything else.”

Yes, God, to whom we pray, is neither deaf nor absent. He is nearer to us from our jugular veins with His knowledge, will and power: “It was We who created man, and We know what dark suggestions his soul makes to him: for We are nearer to him than (his) jugular vein.”

Only He knows the most secret things in our hearts; therefore, He answers our requests and meets our needs.

The Messenger of God prayed his lofty Lord as follows wherever he stopped for a break:

“O God!  I take refuge in you from the worries about the future, sorrows of the past, weaklessness, laziness, stinginess, cowardice, heavy debts, and the inflictions of oppressors and unjust people.”

The Islamic Army is in Raji’

The Prophet reached a place called Raji’ with his army and stopped there. It was a place between Kahybar and the land of Ghatafans. There was a reason why they stopped there. Khaybar Jews had asked helped from Ghatafans and they had accepted; they said Jews could come to their castles and fight against the Islamic army together.  The Messenger of God was informed about it. In order to prevent this help, he made this offer to Ghatafans:  “If you do not help Jews, we will give you the crop of the dates of Khaybar to be conquered for one year.” However, they did not accept the offer.

Thus, the Prophet aimed to prevent any help that could come from Ghatafans to Jews by settling there. As a matter of fact, Ghatafans could not help Khaybar Jews and had to stay in their land when the Messenger of God settled in Raji’.

The Islamic Army is in front of Khaybar

Later, the Prophet left Raji’ with his army and proceeded to Khaybar. They reached Khaybar at night. The Prophet did not use to attack at night; so he waited for the morning.  

The Prayer of the Prophet

When the Messenger of God reached in front of Khaybar, he prayed as follows: “O God, who is the Lord of the skies and what they shade! O God, who is the Lord the earth and those on the earth! O God, who is the Lord the devil and those that the devil misguides! O God, who is the Lord of the winds and what they blow! We wish from you the goodness of this city, the wellbeing of its people and the goodness of everything in the city. We take refuge in you from the evil of this city, of this people and of everything in it!”

The Prophet prayed like that whenever he entered a city.

When the people of Khaybar woke up in the morning, took their tools to go to their fields and left the castle, they saw the Islamic army in front of them. They were astonished; they shouted, “There is Muhammad and his army” and ran back to their castle.

They faced something unexpected. Many of them did not think it to be possible for the Prophet to leave Madinah and to come there to fight them. Their castle was strong; they had many men; they had plenty of weapons; therefore, they thought the Messenger of God could not face the risk of fighting them. That was what they had thought. However, it did not turn out to be like that; so, they were astonished.  

When the Messenger of God saw their astonishment and that they ran back to their castle in panic, he said,“Allahu Akbar, Allaha Akbar! Kharibat Khaybar [Khaybar was destroyed]! How bad is the state of a frightened tribe when we enter their land unexpectedly!” He repeated that sentence, which indicated the conquest of Khaybar, three times.

[sunshinepeter]

walking down the aisle

When Peter was young, he never thought about getting married. 

Sure, it was there, in his mind. Relatives always said “oh, you are going to marry a nice girl someday!” or “you are going to make some girl the luckiest girl in the world!”, but Peter always giggled and hid behind legs to get away from the mushy love talk. Because if there was one thing he knew as an eight year old boy, it was that love was disgusting. 

The first time he really thought about his wedding was when he was fourteen. It was a week or two after Ben’s funeral, and for the most part he was doing alright. May had gone back to work for the first time that day, but Peter asked to stay home. He was still feeling really strange from the whole spider bite thing, even almost two months after it happened, and still wasn’t up to hear Ned’s comforting, soft words or see Flash’s awkward glances. 

So, he laid on the couch at home, staring at the ceiling, thinking about the only thing that was ever on his mind—his uncle. It was still relatively fresh, and with the added weight of thinking, knowing, that the death of his uncle was mostly his fault, he couldn’t really go any amount of time not thinking of him. 

But, in the midst of wallowing in his sadness, thinking of how he had now lost two father figures in his life, wondering how things would be with just him and May, and brooding about all of the things his uncle would miss in his life, he had the back-of-the-mind thought: who would walk him down the aisle? 

Of course, this was immediately pushed aside, because of course May would, and it didn’t even really matter. No one really cares who walks the man down the aisle anyway. That was, if he ever even got married. 

He didn’t think about it again, mind focusing on other issues the following months, like fully coming to terms with his powers, making his own suit, and finding Tony Stark sitting in his bedroom about four months after that sad, lonely day. Marriage, girls, love… it was all pushed to the back burner. 

Until Liz, and his whole half-creepy, schoolgirl crush he developed. At least once he thought about a wedding with Liz, but that wasn’t anything serious, just a silly daydream in class. He stopped daydreaming about her when her dad tried to kill him. Back to square one. 

He was eighteen, a first year student at MIT, and part of the half of the “revived population” when the thought came soaring back into his mind. He had been dating MJ for some time by then, but only seriously the few months prior, when for the first time, Peter told her that he loved her, somewhat awkwardly, as he just blurted it out with no lead up. 

And she said it back. 

--

Tony remembered the first real conversation he had with Peter, once everything was said and done. He didn’t remember a lot about the actual battle itself, or his reunion with the kid. It was a blur of smelling the kid’s shampoo, which was the same smell from when Peter died in his arms years before, and tight arms gripping the kids frame as if afraid he would turn to dust again. Then it was gone, and he was back in battle. 

Thanos, the stones. His arm searing in pain. Quill running at him, screaming to grab his hand. Pepper’s hand grabbing his. Steve’s, too. More and more pain, but also the pain diminishing. A snap of his fingers, and everything blacking out. 

He woke up a week later in a hospital, and after Pepper and Morgan crying into him, after Steve’s hesitant entrance and tight handshake-turned-hug, and after Bruce assured him he would be okay (thought his arm would probably not be), Peter stepped into the room, broken suit replaced by jeans and a t-shirt, face scrubbed of blood and mud from the fights, and tears in his eyes as he came in and saw Tony’s weak form on the bed. 

They hugged again, Tony had a miniscule panic attack covered by a coughing fit when he smelled the damn shampoo again, and Tony pulled Peter onto the small hospital bed with his one good arm. Everyone else definitely felt the effects of the stones, too, when they all shared the power, but it had been a week, and Peter had super healing. 

“Congratulations,” Peter said softly after a few moments of silence. When Tony didn’t say anything, not sure what he was being congratulated on, Peter continued. “I met Morgan a few days ago. She’s really sweet.” 

Tony couldn’t help but smile. He had dreamt many times over the past few years of Peter and Morgan meeting, but it never seemed realistic. Morgan knew Peter, though. She had seen pictures, both the one in the kitchen and the ones in a small book kept on a bookshelf in Pepper’s home office. It wasn’t completely full, but had different pictures Tony had managed to get of Peter. The intern picture, one of Peter on his birthday, another of him and Ned, and a few others. May sent them over, after everything that happened, knowing Tony needed them. 

“Yeah,” Tony said softly. His body really hurt a lot, so he couldn’t form full sentences, really, but Peter knew what he was saying. That ‘yeah’ held a lot of punch. 

“She knew who I was.” Peter was a smart kid, of course he understood. It still warmed Tony’s heart, made all the pain he was currently facing worth it to know Peter was there, Morgan was there, and they were together. 

“M’ssed you, P’ter,” Tony mumbled, and Peter pressed closer to his side. 

Quiet surrounded them, but Tony was surprisingly alright with it.

--

Years passed. The world moved on. The war became a distant memory for most, and only a nuisance of a nightmare for Peter. Seven years after he sat in that hospital room with Tony, after he had graduated high school and was a year away from gaining his masters in biochemical engineering at MIT, May passed away. 

He had seen it coming, she had been diagnosed with cancer the year before, and she hadn’t been doing too well. It still hurt. 

He took some time off of school, and Tony and Pepper let him stay with them while he recovered. He found himself sitting on their porch, staring at the lake, thinking about everyone he had lost, almost lost. He would sit there for hours each day, and everyday, at six, Morgan would come out to get him for dinner. He would scoop her up into his arms, squeeze her tightly, and tell her he loved her. She always said it back, kissing his forehead like she had seen her dad doing so many times, and would run back inside when Peter let go, saying he wasn’t that hungry. An hour later, Tony would come out with a plate of the food and hold Peter as he cried into his chest about how he loses everyone. Tony would rub his back, tell him it was okay, tell him everything would be okay. 

MJ came after a week and a half of him camping out at Tony’s house. When she arrived, she silently hugged Morgan, who knew and loved MJ, smiled sadly to Tony and Pepper, and went out to console her boyfriend. 

A month and a half later, Peter was in bed with MJ at their apartment. She was asleep, after a long day of work, and Peter was trying to fall asleep, drawing patterns in her arm and listening to her breathe, when he sat straight up in bed, not worried about waking her up. He dislodged himself from MJ’s sleeping cuddle, still not waking her (she was a heavy sleeper), and grabbed his phone off the nightstand, hurrying to the kitchen after shutting the bedroom door behind him. 

After two rings, Tony picked up, as it was only midnight and though he was getting old, he was still Tony Stark.

“Pete? Is everything alright?” Tony’s soft voice through the receiver calmed him, and though his mind seemed jumbled with thoughts and yells and ideas, only one thing truly stuck out in that moment. 

“I’m gonna ask MJ to marry me.” 

--

It took him two weeks to finally go ring shopping with Tony (they both had busy schedules, and Tony refused to let Peter pick one by himself, claiming Peter would probably pick something awful, but Peter saw the underlying truth behind that and didn’t say anything), and another month to actually pop the question. Tony got the call on a random Wednesday night, as he sat with Morgan helping her with her middle school math homework. 

“Hey, kid, what’s up?” 

“She said yes,” was all Peter said and Tony jerked up, scaring Morgan at the sudden movement. 

“You said you weren’t asking until Friday!” Tony said, and Morgan’s face lit up. Of course she knew about Peter’s plans to ask MJ. Of course. Morgan somehow knew everything. She got that from her mom. 

“Yeah… We were just making dinner, and it slipped out. She laughed at me when I explained how I was not supposta ask yet, and said yes.” Peter sounded so happy, so excited, and Tony had tears in his eyes. Morgan grabbed his hand, and squeezed, and he pulled her in for an awkward hug while trying to hold the phone to his ear. 

“Congratulations, Pete,” Tony said, and Morgan yelled the same. Peter laughed and thanked them, before saying Ned was there to celebrate. Tony made him promise to come over soon so they could celebrate, which Peter agreed steadily to. 

Once he hung up, Morgan ran off to tell Pepper. Tony sat at the table, and began to weep. There was a time, a long time, that he thought he would never get this. He thought Peter would never have a wedding, never graduate high school, get his masters degree, get to go to work for Stark Industries. 

It stung that no one else was there to celebrate with Tony. Pepper and Morgan came down and hugged him tightly as he silently cried, but he really wished May was there, or Peter’s Uncle Ben whom Tony never even got to meet. 

Tony knew that he had to be there for Peter, no matter what. Peter didn’t get to see Tony’s wedding, and Tony was definitely not going to miss Peter’s. 

--

“Tony, can I talk to you outside for a second?” 

MJ and Peter came over the following Saturday, bringing a bottle of mid-priced wine and their engagement rings. They had all been gushing about it all night, but now that everyone had a bit of alcohol in them and were talking freely, Peter pulled Tony outside, just as MJ, Pepper, and Morgan talked about wedding venues (Morgan suggested Coney Island, to which Peter grimaced and shot down). 

“Everything alright?” Tony asked as the screen door shut behind him. It was inching closer to night, the sky pink and casting a glow on everything around them. Mosquitoes were emerging, buzzing loud and happy, and the trees rattled with the evening breeze.

“You always ask that,” Peter chuckled softly, leaning against the railing. Tony followed suit, looking across the lake. 

“I want to make sure,” was all Tony said, and Peter pressed their shoulders together. 

“Everything’s fine. Actually, no, it’s amazing. I’m getting married,” Peter said, and Tony chuckled, swinging his arm around the boy and holding him close. Tony could barely look past the fifteen year old boy he had met how many years before that. 

“You’re growing up. It feels like last week I showed up in your small apartment after you returned from dumpster diving,” Tony said, and Peter jabbed him with his elbow softly, making Tony chuckle. 

“I wanted to ask you something.” 

Tony turned to the kid, and saw he looked decently nervous. His eyes were downcast, and he had his hands clasped together.

When Tony didn’t say anything, he began. “I, uh, have given this a lotta thought my whole life. I mean, not as much as some people, but a normal amount. When Ben died, I, uh… well, I wondered who was going to walk me down the aisle. I know it’s not, like, a big deal for guys, as it is usually for girls, but I worried about it. Until I was fourteen, I guess I just assumed Ben would, maybe Ben and May. But…” 

Tony squeezed him closer, feeling his emotions clearly. 

Peter cleared his throat a little, shoulders loosening, back straightening as he forced himself to face Tony, look of determination and courage on his face. “I wanted to ask you… Will you walk me down the aisle?” 

--

It was a beautiful spring day, and it reminded Tony a lot of Peter in general. They were getting married in a small nature reserve upstate, with flowers and trees surrounding the whole place. There was this old manor, where they were getting ready and would hold the reception after, which was gorgeous. 

Tony stood behind Peter as he looked at his suit in the mirror. 

“My hair… is it messed up? Does it look weird?” Peter said, trying to bring his hand up to adjust it, but Tony held it down with a small exhale equivalent to a laugh. 

“It’s always messed up,” Tony said, and Peter reached back to swat him playfully. 

“Does it look okay, though?” 

“It looks fine,” Tony said, and Peter grimaced. 

“Just fine?” He said, and tried to reach up again. Tony pulled the boy closer, wrapping his arm around him in a hug. 

“Perfect.” 

Tony turned him around then, and straightened his collar with a small smile. Peter looked down self consciously, but Tony pushed his chin back up. Peter bit his lip. 

“I’m so happy for you,” Tony whispered, and Peter smiled a bit, blushing a little. “Seriously. I’m so, so happy.” 

“Same,” Peter whispered, and leaned forward, pressing his forehead into Tony’s shoulder. Even though he was taller than Tony now, it was still comforting for them both. Tony caught a whiff of his hair—flowery and somewhat like vanilla. “Thank you. For… everything.” 

“What’s everything?” Tony asked, smiling down at the boy. Peter pulled away, taking a step back and turning towards the mirror again, obviously embarrassed. 

“I dunno. Being here. Being everywhere. I mean, for a lotta my life, the biggest part of my life, you’ve been there for me.” 

Tony smiled, watching the kid shift uncomfortably as he looked at himself in the mirror, sparing glances to Tony behind him every few seconds. 

“You gave me Spider-Man. Like, I know the powers were me, but you gave me a suit, you gave me resources, and you backed me up when I needed you. You’ve just… even when I was an annoying little fifteen year old, you never really gave up on me. And I guess I’ve never properly thanked you for everything you’ve given me.” 

“You’ve thanked me loads of time for your suits. You do it every time you are in one,” Tony chuckled, and Peter shook his head minutely. 

“No, not that. I mean, yeah, thanks, seriously, but…” Tony chuckled a little again, and Peter took a deep inhale. “You became a sorta pseudo-father figure to me, and… after Uncle Ben, I really needed that.” 

Tony couldn’t respond, too choked by immediately forming tears as he wrapped his arm around the boy’s shoulders again. 

“Well, thank you for being the nerdiest, best pseudo-son I could ask for, then,” Tony said softly, and Peter’s smile was so genuine it almost hurt Tony to look at. He pulled away a second later with a sniff to hold back tears. He knew he would cry at the service, what was the point in crying now? That wouldn’t help anyone, and bruise Tony’s self esteem more than crying at the actual wedding was already going to be. “Now come on, we gotta go. I’m walking someone down the aisle.” 

masterlist

[mirage-05]

A New Mage in Sabertooth

Okay guys so… we talked about Rin a lot, we talked about how she’s the youngest mage in Sabertooth, same age as Wendy… But I didn’t mention how she was accepted into the guild XD So here you have her story! This takes place during and after the Eclipse Gates arc. Trinity “Rin” Eucliffe is my OC. As before, the fanfic is a product of our RPs with @eleanor-devil​ , who also provided the fanart ^*^ Comments and feedback are highly appreciated!! ——— ‘I hate my luck!’ It was the first thought in the girl’s head, although she had arrived to the past on the same day as Future Rogue, she had had trouble finding the Sabertooth members as she initially planned. The security around the hotels of each participating guild in the Grand Magic Games was really tight and from what Rin had been able to understand, on the day she had arrived, the previous Master was still in power… not that she knew much about him except that he wasn’t a good person, so she decided to wait for the best moment to reach the members… mainly, the White Dragon Slayer. Through hiding and sneaking, Rin had watched most of the events of the Grand Magic Games play out while she tried to devise a plan to get close to the headquarters of Sabertooth… she had even watched the battle of the Twin Dragon Slayers of Sabertooth against Natsu and Gajeel of Fairy Tail… and then the day of the finals arrived, the one day she had decided to sneak into the Domus Flau and watched the event until the very end, including her father’s - well okay she knew he wasn’t her father here, not really - unexpected surrender, thus leading to Fairy Tail’s victory. And now here she was, trying to escape baby dragons that came from god knows where! 'I just wanted to talk to him, is that too much to ask??!’ Apparently it was. Rin shot another attack at the dragons chasing her but it only hit one, the girl sweated, she wasn’t going anywhere like this. She suddenly was forced into a halt when more dragons appeared in front of her “Crap!” Time came to a stop for the little girl. All her training, the new techniques she had learned through all those seven years… they all accounted for nothing as Rin kept staring at the dragons and the light beams that were starting to form around their mouths. Was this it then…? Was she supposed to just die here, like her life meant nothing at all? Not even remotely close to accomplish what she came here for, and it hadn’t been even a week… No matter how much she prepared, how much she learned to fight, she wasn’t ready for something like this. She was going to die on her birth date, and not even one person would know who she was, what her dreams were… Lost in her disappointed thoughts, it didn’t register to the kid that there were hurried footsteps reaching her. Not until she heard an urgent voice. “Kid, duck!” She didn’t need to be told twice. Out of pure instinct, Rin fell to the floor, raising her arms over her head and closing her eyes tight, just as a blinding white light surrounded the whole area. When she dared to raise her head again, the little dragons were no more, although the roars and screeches told her that she wasn’t completely out of danger. “Hey, kid are you okay?” Now realizing that the voice sounded… very, very familiar… Rin raised her head to meet a pair of indigo eyes, and her own green ones widened as an incredulous look took over her expression. He was standing in front of her, looking mighty and protective as his shadow completely covered the girl’s body, his eyes penetrating into her own, although there was a frown on his bruised face. The wind blew and Rin’s blonde hair moved along with it. 'Dad…?' 

His voice again snapped her out of her thoughts. “Why are you staring at me like that, kid?" 

But before she could even answer, a piercing roar soared through the skies and she saw Sting’s expression turn into a startled one as he quickly made his way to the girl. Rin only had time to see a giant dark red dragon flying in their direction as Sting put her under his arm, holding her by her waist and tightly against his own before leaping into the fastest run of his life.

"Is that a giant dragon!?” Rin exclaimed, panicking at how close the creature was to them. 

“Undoubtedly!” she could hear the panic in his voice.

“Why is it following us??”

“Uuuh…” Oh no, she knew that tone, she saw him looking behind them as he continued running. “I… might’ve pissed it off?”

 His answer was so casual that Rin thought she had heard it wrong. “You what?!?” They turned into a corner and Sting’s face enlightened.

“Oi Rogue!!” Rogue…? Where…?! “What the hell are you doing standing there?!”

It could’ve been an almost comical scene - the black haired man just a few paces ahead turning to face them, his expression first of a relief, then of shock when he saw they didn’t come… alone. “You brought it here?!” 

What was almost weirder was that despite being bruised, despite looking like he had just been trampled by horses (or well, apparently dragons), Sting was laughing. 

But the girl’s gaze was locked on the Shadow Dragon Slayer. Rogue… he didn’t entirely look like the man she once called uncle though, not really. He lacked the features that had defined her uncle once… this was undoubtedly the Rogue from the past.

Noticing her glare on him, the Shadow Dragon Slayer finally noticed the kid and did a double take. “What… are you nuts?!? Why did you bring a kid here?!” 

“She had to tag along,” Sting set the girl down quickly before taking an offensive stance. “Kid - run away - or take cover - do something but just stay out of the way!”

Without giving the Twins much of a break, the two huge dragons went in for an attack.

Despite not trusting at all the past self of the Shadow Dragon Slayer, Rin couldn’t help but see, as she found safe a hiding spot, how amazing and in synch the so called Twin Dragon Slayers were with each other; she had to admit that it was an amazing sight to see. Back in her timeline…the Twins were no more, having separated for reasons unknown to the girl as it had happened when she was just a toddler and thus held no memory of it, although they were still in the same guild…

Whatever the reasons…they would lead to that fateful and horrible day.

When suddenly and mysteriously the two dragons disappeared, apparently along with the other five that were terrorizing Crocus, Rin was taken by the two Dragons Slayers into a safe place… and despite Sting bidding her goodbye, Rin had promised to herself that she would find another way, not just to see him again but to be wherever he was. 

…

That promise soon beared fruits, when a few days later the blonde girl managed to sneak inside the Mercurius Palace where she found out all the guilds that had participated in the Games were celebrating, having been invited by the king himself.

She made sure that nobody was in the dressing rooms and then sneaked inside one of them, stealing one of the smallest dresses she could find and some extra jewelry; it wasn’t anything big, Rin wasn’t used to that many fancy parties and she preferred to dress in clothes that allowed her to move freely but this was all to see and find her father again, she would do anything that was needed.

Now perfectly blended with the mood of the party, Rin made her way towards the ballroom… but eventually figured out that she had no idea where the ballroom was…

That, coupled with the fact that Rin was feeling uneasy in that dress despite her own pep talk - she would give anything for her outfit now -, made it so that she wasn’t looking at where she was going for a moment. She bumped into someone - no, two people! - walking right in front of her and after some squealing, was horrified to see them falling to the ground.

“Oh! Oh god I’m so sorry!” She quickly mumbled, kneeling down beside them to help. “It’s my fault, I wasn’t watching where I was going…!”

It was then that the two girls finally looked up at her. A silence followed, albeit a short one. 

“Hello,” the blue haired girl said sincerely, a soft smile already on her lips. She didn’t look any older than herself. “Nothing to worry. Are you new here? My name is Wendy. Wendy Marvell.”

“And my name is Cheria Blendy.” The pink haired girl also said. “Nice to meet you, umm…?”

Wendy? The name sounded familiar somehow, but the girl couldn’t remember why. Instead, she just smiled to them as well. “My name is Trinity…” she caught herself before she went too far. “…just Trinity. Nice to meet you too.”

“Trinity huh?” the pink haired girl grinned. “That’s cool but not a very common name now is it?”

“Cheria,” Wendy scolded her friend, earning a confused look from the Wind God Slayer. “Don’t be rude…!”

“But I wasn’t rude!” Rin giggled at the two girls, she hadn’t taken it the wrong way at all, she was actually used to people finding her full name a bit… out of the ordinary.

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it,” answered the blonde girl “You can call me Rin if you want to.” Then she looked around confused before sweat dropping and looking back at the two girls. “Um… do you know where the ballroom is…? I think I might be lost…”

“Oh we’re heading there too! We just went to the bathroom.” Both girls took Rin’s hands in their own and led her towards the giant room where the party was being held, the blonde girl was mesmerized by all the decorations and lights, she had never seen such a beautiful place. Then she looked at the table full of food and… her eyes shone brighter than the diamonds on everyone’s jewelry.

“Strawberries!!” Before Cheria and Wendy knew it, the blonde girl was stuffing two plates full of strawberries and her mouth as well, the two young mages couldn’t help but laugh at the sight, it was clear what Rin’s favorite food was. Then yet another familiar voice reached the girl’s ears.

“Wait!” Rin turned her head towards the center of the ballroom, she saw not only Sting and the remaining Sabertooth members but also three other women whom Rin recognized from photos as two members of the Fairy Tail guild and… one member of Sabertooth that she never got to meet personally, Yukino-san. She noticed how Yukino was holding her dress and her back turned to Sting, as if she had intentions to leave. “I’m sorry… I didn’t realize you were here. Master and Milady have gone missing… we’re going to start over, we’re gonna remake Sabertooth from the ground up!” Rin blinked confused, what was happening?

Even more surprising were Sting’s words and what seemed to be a sincere apology “We were…far from kind to you. But…I want to build a guild that treasures its comrades!” It was surprising for the ball attendants because they had never seen any Sabertooth members (or yet alone, a Master of said guild) be humbled like that, but for Rin, well, this was the first time she had seen an… ashamed look on her father’s face, younger or not. 

Rin noticed Yukino finally turning around to face the members but she didn’t stare too long at the blond, her brown eyes drifting back to the floor. “Why are you telling me this..?" 

Sting’s ashamed look was then replaced with a firm one as he said “Because I would like you to come back… although that’s probably too much to ask.” Wait, so Yukino-san wasn’t a member of Sabertooth? What was going on here? What had happened between them? Rin was sure that, at least according to her father, Yukino-san had always been part of the Sabertooth family..

Rin wanted to ask about that to her new friends but just then, an argument broke out… first between Sting and Kagura from Mermaid Heel but soon drawing every other strong guild in Fiore, a competition about which guild should accept Yukino as their newest member.

When even the other Masters got involved, Wendy couldn’t hide her anxiety anymore. “What should we do?!” she asked to no one in particular, watching the scene unfold with worry in her eyes.

Cheria, on the other hand, had an amused look on her face. “That’s love for you.” Then she turned to the blond girl. “That reminds me, Rin, which guild do you belong to?”

The girl smiled brightly, not even hesitating. “I’m from Sabertooth.”

“Huuuuh??” Both of the girls couldn’t help but exclaim as total silence fell upon those around them too. Then, at the same time, murmurings began to spread like wildfire. Did they hear it right?! Had the almighty Sabertooth accepted a child mage?!

Suddenly the whole fight in the ballroom came to a stop, all eyes were on the blonde girl who had on her face a huge grin but was kind of blushing at having the whole attention on her now… well… what she said wasn’t exactly a lie… she had just forgotten that she wasn’t in her own reality anymore!

"U-Um…” Yukino’s brown eyes were on the girl, approaching her a little. “Is that… true…?”

Rin felt her heart skip a beat at the presence of the celestial mage right in front of her, not that the woman’s presence was intimidating or anything of the sort, on the contrary it was very comforting but the thing was… Rin had grown up admiring the woman and now here she was just a few steps away from her…

“Yes!” the girl didn’t hesitate to answer, green eyes shining. “I just don’t have my guildmark yet but that will be applied when we are back…!”

Yukino blinked, surprise overcoming her as her eyes turned to face the new Guild Master of Sabertooth. “Sting-sama…?”

Sting felt his throat grow dry and he had to gulp before he had the courage to answer. “Y-Yeah..um…it was something… recent…” The blond could feel the perplexed looks of his fellow guildmates burning right through his back, but in all honesty… he was actually going along with the lie to win the Celestial Mage back, if that meant to accept a little girl into the guild despite barely knowing her and not knowing what her magic was at all… well… so be it.

Rin silently sighed a breath of relief… everything would come crashing down if Sting didn’t back her up then. A range of emotions played on the silver haired woman’s face, she was clearly not able what to make out of this. But then she turned back to the girl with a soft smile. “Well, I’m happy for you, umm…” 

“Rin,” the girl replied immediately, still a little breathless seeing her hero in person.

“Rin,” the Celestial Mage repeated. “I hope you will enjoy your time in the guild.”

“Are you part of Sabertooth as well?” the girl immediately asked the question burning in her mind, and the barely contained curiosity in her voice turned Yukino’s smile bitter.

“No, not quite I’m afraid.” Then she turned back to face Sting who was watching her with a… well, almost desperate look, her gaze turning serious. “And I’m glad the guild is apparently more… tolerant, Master. But this is not an easy decision that I intend to rush. Now I would like to enjoy the party as it is.” Then she turned to the representatives of the respective strong guilds of Fiore, slightly bowing to them. “Thank you very much for your offers too.”

With that, the   of the spectacle started dying down, everyone deciding to give the girl a break. “Huh… that was unexpected.” Erza, one of those closely watching the exchange said. “Way to go Master Sting.”

“Yeah. Right.” Needless to say, not very proud of the outcome… the White Dragon Slayer spent most of the rest of the ball pouting.

The night continued but the surprises weren’t over, everyone was surprised when suddenly Natsu appeared in the ballroom dressed in none other than the king’s clothes, even wearing his crown! Despite the demands of the real King Toma for the Dragon Slayer to give back his crown, Natsu laughed and declared everyone as his subordinates from now on.

Of course that all turned out to be a joke in the end.

The next day soon came and the participating guilds started to leave Crocus little by little to return to their respective guilds. Despite most of the members having left early in the morning, the four remaining representatives of Sabertooth were all recovering from a massive hangover (including the new Master who aside from pouting decided that he should drink to forget), therefore they only had their things all packed when it was almost evening. What Sting didn’t expect (or remember actually) was to see the same blonde girl from the day before… apparently waiting for the guild members at the train station.

“Hi everyone!” the girl greeted all of the members cheerfully, while she received… nothing but blank stares. She had only a small backpack that was half-slung over her shoulder, which seemed to be… heavier than what she could reasonably carry.

“Uuuh…” Sting didn’t know where to start. It was mesmerizing how this kid could talk to all of them like she had known them for a while… well, she probably wouldn’t be so relaxed around them if she knew how they were back… a few days ago. “What… are you doing here kid?”

“It’s Rin.” the girl said in all honesty and she tilted her head to the side.“What else? I’m coming with you back to the guild, of course.”

The Master put his two fingers between the bridge of his nose, he really didn’t need this with his growing headache… not to mention the fast approaching train ride, which he didn’t want to think about. “No, you’re really not.”

“I’m afraid I am.” the girl sounded so cheerful and proud of herself. “It would raise questions if Sabertooth left its… most recent member behind, y'know.”

“If my memory serves right… you did accept her as a member.” Rufus, as always, really wasn’t helping things.

“I second that, I heard it loud and clear.” And of course Orga wasn’t helping either… “Or did you only say yes because of Yukino?? Cuz that’s low Sting…”

Sting turned to give a big glare at the Lightning God Slayer, if looks could kill… “That…! Ugh… just shut up and get on the train!” And he was stomping off to inside the transportation, sitting near a window with a clear pout as he crossed his arms over his chest. Rogue resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

“Yes, he is pouting because she isn’t coming back with us.” And he quickly followed to inside of the train. Orga walked to the little girl and patted her on the head.

“Sorry kid, Master’s word is final.” The other members soon followed to inside the transportation, one by one leaving the young girl behind. Sting was already feeling sick as soon as the announcement of the train’s departure sounded loud and clear, the doors were already closed and locked while he tried to relax into the seat but…

“Hey!” The blond nearly jumped out of his seat when the young, cheerful voice reached his ears again, coming right from behind him.

The new Master rounded on the girl, who still had that big smile on her face. Was she even for real?! Why couldn’t the brat take a hint already? “Get off!” he hissed, the frown on his face as deep as the girl’s annoying smile. 

The child shrugged, totally unfazed. “This is a public transportation and I have my ticket.” Which was a lie but well… the guild members weren’t authorized to check on it. “So you can’t expect me to just walk off now, can you?”

“Then find another compartment!” The train’s whistle blew. “This one is reserved for Sabertooth members!”

“Oh, then I’m on the correct one. Yaaay me!”

“Why you lit-” Sting’s words were cut off immediately as the train started to move down the track… His skin immediately turning to a shade of green, the blond brought both hands to his mouth, trying not to puke whatever he ate all over the train car. The hangover really wasn’t helping, either.

To his further chagrin, the girl took out a paper bag from her backpack. “Here, use this.”

Orga was apparently impressed. “Clever thinking, kid. Do you get sick often too?” Sting groaned, but not out of the motion sickness. He wanted to tell his green haired friend off for getting… almost friendly with the kid. And the girl just shrugged again.

“Nah, not me. But I knew someone who got sick all the time.” Then she looked pointedly at the Master. “You’re welcome.”

Another groan. “Get… lost…”

Rin shrugged yet again. “Fine, if you want to dirty all of your clothes with your puke, I can live with that.” She was about to put back the paper bag inside her backpack but Sting’s hand was faster than her own and snatched it away, putting the bag right against his mouth. Funny enough at the same time, Rogue practically flew from his seat and forced the window open as the same motion sickness was getting to him. Rufus and Orga could only grimace at the… greenish moisture that was coming from the Dragon Slayer’s stomachs.

“So let’s talk about my guildmark! I want it on my ankle and um… white… no pink! I love pink so it’s gotta be that color!”

“Uh… kid I don’t think it’s the best time to be talking about that stuff…” Orga winced again as he heard another big “blergh” coming from both the Dragon Slayers. “He isn’t in the best shape right now.”

“Oh, he will be fine.” She was more than used to that kind of motion sickness.

“You… aren’t…” and green skin emerged again, but Sting managed to suppress it this time. “…joining… the guild…!”

“Hmm… so mister green hair was right, you only said I could so you could win that lady back. You’re so rude!” She faked a pout. “What will the lady think if she does come back and doesn’t see me there? She will never believe you ever again!" 

"Touchè.” mumbled the Memory-Make mage with a teasing grin.

Sting pretty much growled at that, this wasn’t something he needed to be reminded of, no matter if the girl had a point or not. Good god what he wouldn’t give to take back time… he didn’t want to accept this brat into the guild to begin with, now, with every passing second he was regretting having said yes at the ball more and more. 

“Oh by the way I’m definitely gonna need a place to stay,” the girl continued, putting a finger under her chin - she obviously loved to talk. “I mean I have some money but I don’t think it will be enough for a rent - until I start going on jobs of course. Hey, with which one of you can I go on to missions?”

All she received were blank stares, god they were even having trouble keeping up with the speed of her talk. And yet the girl still didn’t seem to be fazed as she continued on. “Oh and are there a lot more members in our guild?!”

“Can… you…” Sting pulled the paper bag back down a little, closing his eyes for a moment in a bid of patience. “…just keep your… mouth… shut… for a moment?” He was tired, he was sick and yet his brain was working on full drive, formulating plans on how to ditch this kid once they reached their station. And then put tons of security in front of the guild just in case. At this point he didn’t really care what other guilds would think of them. Or rather really, he kinda wished he was the old Sting, jerk extraordinaire.

“Oh come ooon, I can’t really be annoying you too much.” No one bothered to answer that particular statement. “But okay, you know what? Just to humor you, I’m gonna do this the proper way.” Rin cleared her throat and put on her best angelic face, complete with puppy eyes. “Can I please join Sabertooth, Master?”

The answer was a loud and clear “No.” as expected but the girl obviously wasn’t going to give up that easily.

“Please…”

“No…”

“Please.”

“No.”

“Pleeeease!”

“No!”

“Please, please, please, please, please,” she continued saying the word non-stop, so much so that at some point the members were all covering their ears just so not to hear it. Meanwhile Sting continued answering to each of her pleas with a big denial, louder each time and whenever he wasn’t busy filling the now damp paper bag with more green moisture.

“SHUT UP BOTH OF YOU!” Rogue yelled while he was still hanging over the window. Lector sweatdropped while he munched on his shared food with Frosch.

“This is going to be a long ride, yes.”

“Fro thinks so too!”

And indeed it was the biggest hour and a half of the members’ lives, as the constant bickering between Rin and Sting continued without any of them ceasing - again except when the Master was puking at the paper bag or out of the window. When the train finally announced the arrival to Black Hills, every single member was ready to jump out of the transportation and race for their lives back into the guild.

“Come on,” the girl was somehow still fully energetic, so much so that she could barely stand still on her ground. “I challenge any of you for a race to the guild!” Well Sabertooth wasn’t a guild that could be easily missed, with the huge tiger statues adorning the building.

Seeing that his best friend was about to open his mouth, Rogue interrupted with a death glare. “Oppose her, start another bickering match… and I swear I will kill you.” 

Before anyone could say anything this time, there was a brief flash of light and the girl was standing directly in front of Sting in a protective pose, glaring daggers at the Shadow Dragon Slayer. Rogue raised an eyebrow. “That’s a manner of speech kid.” Then he looked back up at the blond, clearly amused. “Seems like you have a protector here.” 

The White Dragon Slayer just simply picked the girl from the collar of her jacket and shifted her to a side. “Yeah well, I don’t need one.”

“Come on Sting, how bad could things be if we accepted her?” Rogue continued. “Fairy Tail has Wendy, Lamia has Cheria…”

“I didn’t ask for your approval!” The black haired man was a bit taken aback by the sudden hostility in her voice. But then Rin turned with hopeful eyes towards Sting.

There was a big moment of silence.

“Okay, fine, enough already! You can come back to the guild with us!” As if he had another chance… “Just stop talking for a while… please…” he could dig his head into a pool of ice right now if that meant to end his pounding headache.

“Yaaay!!!” And with that, the little girl flung her arms around the blond’s middle in a tight hug.

“I don’t remember saying you could hug me…” Sting grumbled. 

He only saw the girl grinning hugely for a minute before she jumped back and then hit him on the arm, open-palmed. “Tag, you’re it!” Without giving him another chance to reply, she took off in a high-speed sprint, leaving the guild members just… staring behind her back.

“What… did we just get ourselves into…?”

“It’s Sting-kun’s fault, yes!”

“Fro thinks so too!”

[ghost1643]

Seven deadly gems part 4-Gowther

A few weeks after Veronica goes on her date, she wakes up and walks down the hall. She's half asleep. As are her sisters as they wish their father a good day as he had to go to work. After he leaves Veronica takes a sip out of her coff, glanced at the calander and just spit out the coffee in a panic. It was their father's birthday and they completely forgot.

So the girls in a panic go out to town to get heir dad some stuff. Yet, they don't know what to buy him. This ends up in hours of looking for the perfect gift. Except some how, they forgot about a tiny itty bitty thing. Just that they wrote a note telling the gems they would be home by lunch for when their dad gets home. So when they don't show up the gems figure their father cancelled their plans for lunch.

The gems are laughing upstairs watching tv and having jsut so much fun when the door opens. Meliodas just cheers a hi Elizabeth not turning around. Instead the girl's father asks who the hell they were and why they were sitting in on his couch.

Everyone freaks out mentally for a son's. For Diane it's to much with the pressure of everything else being put on her. So she begins to lose focus and shape back into her original shape which is a 30ft tall off coloured gem. When she starts to touch the ceiling, Ban poofs her just to keep her from breaking down the house. Yet, king starts arguing with him about proofing her. Meliodas meanwhile is just looking at the confused male wondering how he's going to explain this.

Meliodas sends his friends outside before explaining everything to Elizabeth's dad. He leaves out no details that are important, well the ones everyone else knows. He expects to find a new home for his friends. Instead Elizabeth's dad just gives a tired sigh before giving a tired laugh and sitting down. He just looks up tired and just explains he knew they were living there since the first two days they lived here, he just was waiting for someone to tell him. Meliodas is shocked at first and just asks why he would be okay with all of this. Again the o,dee human sighs and just says, "Elizabeth needs to be with someone from her own kind."

He then explains that back in the 80's, when he was a teen, he snuck off to this town with his friends to go see a concert. Whilst watching the whole thing he meet these weird looking people but, one caught his eye. She had the same silver hair as Elizabeth does today, had bright blue skin, had a blue gem stone that looked like it was in her skin, and she moved her bangs letting him see she only had one eye. He was so intrigued that he talked with her. This cycle continued everytime he snuck off with one of his buddies for a road trip.

The gem was a star sapphire who lived in a temple with a few other gems called the crystal gems. She fought in a war thousands of years ago and now lived on earth, with a few friends she fought with. Eventually he met these friends, each a different gem stone..or two. They all got to know each other. Eventually the star sapphire, whom he called Lunar, introduced him to his wife while she went out with one of his friends. Eventually, he got married and he stopped going as often. His friend moved up there though, he made sure to call every night. Then next thing he knew, he had two girls, his wife has just be diagnosed ovary cancer and given weeks to live, their dog died, and Lunar showed up on his doorstep one night in tears.

The crystal gems had been attacked and captured by a strange look male. Lunar's husband had also been killed. To top it all off, somehow she was having a baby, she had no idea how. All she knew was that she would die having the baby, leaving it all on it's own. At that moment her remembered speaking his mind and saying he would take on the baby, not really sure of what would happen next. His wife loved the idea, agreeing to help for as long as she could. They even gave Lunar a place to stay but, in the same house as a overly curious 2 year old and a grumpy 1 year old. Despite this, Lunar loved loving there for as long as she could.

Sure enough Lunar died having her daughter. The only way they knew she was dead was a bright light they saw coming from their shed and her screams. His wife got in the shed just as their friend died but, in her place laid Elizabeth as a baby, with two eyes. Two mismatch looking eyes. One bright blue like her mom's and the other yellow like her father's. Yet, her gem stone remains on her forehead, hidden by hair she grows out to cover both her hello eye and gem. After she was born, his wife found a reason to hang on for much longer. His wife was given 13 weeks to live, she lived for another 3 years before dying. During those 3 years, his wife gave their girls 3 years of pure happiness and fun. He tried to as well. Later down the line, when the Elizabeth was 12, they started to run out of money, since they used up all the money their mom left them, so he took more work hours. Since then, well he's tried to be there as much as he can.

So he's fine with them there, just so his girls can be happy again...just as long as their house stays intact. After all Elizabeth needs to know about her biological mother evetunally. He does plan to tell her on her 17th birthday this year. Yet, its better she finds out everything about her mother's species from other the same species as her mother. Then if she wants to cut him off, she can. Just as long as she's happy with herself and who she truely is, he doesn't care.

Lunch ends with the sins sitting down and talking with the older male, just getting some questions answered that they're to nervous to ask the girls. Like why there's bugs outside, cause Diane knows she should know it. It's just she doesn't, and she doesn't want to embarrass herself anymore than what she has already. King is also curious about what work is really. Cause he knows Margret is taking two years off to work and t money before going to her first choice university. But, to be honest he has no idea what it truely is on this planet. Ban just wants to know what movie ratings means...Veronica mentioned them once but, he had no idea what the hell they mean. As for Meliodas, he's asks about the human life span. Thankfully they get their answers without getting laughed at..that much.

Anyways the rest of the day involves the gems cleaning up the house, plus decorating it a bit for when the girls get home. They use balloons that were in a cupboard as longs as these weird paper things called streamers. They also cooked...okay Ban cooked, everyone else just tried to. Anyways Ban ended up cooking a whole dinner plus a cake by 6pm when the girls got back with the gifts they ended up deciding on, plus a few new tires on the car which ended up helping them get off the side of the road. They just sit down looking tired when their dad gets back. All three girls panic only to walk into the kitchen, see everything, then just kinda stand their in shock as their dad walks in. They play it off cool and just act like this was all planned. Meanwhile the gems are in basement wtachinga movie, enjoying everything on earth so far. The day ends with the girls watching a bunch of cartoons in the basement with their alien friends.

Time passes and the other following things happen that are I think are pretty fun.

Diane finds out what a bug is by somehow finding a bee and deciding to poke it while it was laying on the ground. Long story short she poofed once it stung her. She has been scared of human bugs ever since even though the girls assured her not all bugs were that bad.

Meliodas tried cooking all on his own. The food looked amazing but, well it tasted worse than what you would imagine. So the girls tried to help him learn to cook, he never improved.

King discovers body pillows. He claims one in the basement and never lets it go. He will literally carry it around the house when he feels like it just so he can take a nap.

Ban tries alcohol after the girl's father brings so home and hates how it tastes. So he gets drunk for an entire afternoon. This leads to the girls trying to hide a drunk man around their house all day.

Veronica goes on a few more dates. Nothing monumental but, it leads to her describing what a date is to the gems. Of course they decide to try this date stuff out and take each other out on a date to the bakery Margret works in downtown. It's rather funny to watch since they're obviously trying but, still have no idea what a date is, just what you do on it. Minus the kissing of course. Yet, once Gilthunder tells them that some dates involve that, Meliodas actually ask Ban what that is since he hasn't known any thee gems that would have kissed before. The whole thing is just entertaining to watch.

King finds out about what fusion is from Diane. He makes it his personal mission to be the first person to fuse with her.he tries to learn how to dance which kinda works...like he knows how to spin now. He just kinda doesn't know anything else.

The gems join in on the girl's game night. This ends up with Meliodas storming off, Diane being grumpy in a corner, king napping, Veronica yelling swears at Margret, Margert yelling loudly at her sister, Ban yelling at them both to shut up, Gilthunder sitting in the corner awkwardly and Elizabeth racing after Meliodas to try and calm him down. While they're arguing Gil slowly slides away the game of monopoly. Then he begs to play another game. Yet, pictornary ends up the same, jsut with different people screaming. Uno ends with King trying to beat the crap out of Ban for cheating. Candyland ends with glares at Diane who somehow won even though she doesn't know how to play. Go fish ends up with Elizabeth jooking around about how much she won. Finally they all find they can play the game of life together without it all exploding. The whole thing was just so tiring that Gil just fell asleep while everyone was getting along.

The girls try to show the gems what books are like. This ends up with King liking short stories, Ban liking a book he keeps hiding but, is a romance novel their grandmother used to own..or st least they're sure it is, Meliodas loved reading fanstay books and Diane reading very gore horror stories as well as manga. The manga makes sense but,the gore horror she seems to love a lot more for some unknown reason.

The girls try to show the gems horror movies. Ban kinda likes them. King hates them and hides behind which gem is closest to him, which is always Diane. Diane absolutely loves them. Meliodas on the other hand, he says he liked them but, he hid the entire time into Elizabeth side, covering his ears everytime there was a loud scream. It was like he was remembering something but, he never brought it up. So she never really talked about it.

The gems discover video games. Meliodas is pretty good at them, king is surpsingly good at them, ban...At least he's trying and Diane is kinda good at them.

Meliodas and Elizabeth fuse a lot more in Privatein the words by themselves. The only one who knows is Ban who takes it upon himself to learn more about the fusion.

Big moment:

A new girl's moves in down the street. She's Elizabeth's age but, she's rather sickly. Like she's lost a lot of weight and hair so the girls know it's something serious. Yet, Elizabeth some how befriends her. Which is a big deal. After all this is the first girl she's ever befriended that her sisters don't know. The gems however aren't sure how to feel about her. Since she moved it they need to stay inside more. King loves it, everyone else doesn't like it as much.

Anyways this all comes down to Elizabeth coming over to the girl's house. The girl panics and close the door, yelling at someone before bringing Elizabeth inside. They hangout for a while before Elizabeth does to the bathroom. Once she's done, the power goes out, which she finds odd. She starts feeling around for a light switch and instead has her hand rested against something. The light come back on showing a slightly purple gem.

"Who might you be?" He asks curiously, eyes glowing making Elizabeth scream so loud that the gems can hear her across the street.

Meliodas so break into the house and rushes to Elizabeth. He however soon comes face to face with another gem. He meets Gunther, one of their old friend. Nadja meanwhile is trying to calm Elizabeth down while her partner just stands there looking confused, wondering what the hell is going on much like she is.

[annemariewrites]

Who Am I?

The first panic attack that I ever had was in the second grade. I remember that we had an assignment to do a book report and that the assignment was to be done online. This was 2003 when the internet was still in its early form and often didn’t work quite right. Why my elementary school entrusted eight year olds on the internet, I’ll never now. Anyway, something went wrong with the internet and I could not find the book that I needed and was then unable to do the assignment. I have this picture in my head of my eight-year-old self in the classroom, sitting on the floor with my back to the wall, and crying almost hysterically. I can remember feeling very sick like I was going to throw up. It was not a pleasant experience and it certainly troubled my teacher and the other students. I had regular panic attacks throughout third and fourth grade, to the point where I can hardly look back on those years without feeling some shame and embarrassment.

The third grade was honestly not so bad. My teacher often had to call my parents whenever I had a panic attack during class but she never made me feel like I was being disruptive or being a nuisance. The other students, whom I had known my entire life by that point, had treated me as if it were no big deal that I had this problem. Whenever I would cry and shake in class, they would bring me tissues and help me finish my work. No one made fun of me or even talked about my panic attacks, at least not that I can remember. Then in the summer of 2005, we moved away.

The new elementary school that I had to go to was awful. I knew no one at all and no one knew me, or the problems that I faced. I remember once when I had a panic attack and started crying during class, the teacher took me out into the hallway and told me to go to the bathroom and not come back until I had cleaned myself up. I know she was just trying her best but it made me feel humiliated. I remember the other students looking at me strangely and not letting me play with them on the playground or sit with them at lunch. This caused me to have major self-esteem issues, so not only was I battling an anxiety disorder, I was fighting the early stages of depression as well. All at the tender age of ten. I remember forcing myself to be “normal” and to hold all the stress inside. This worked because I don’t remember having any anxiety attacks during the fifth grade. Though there were no outward signs of my problem, I still felt panicked all the time.

I was put on medication that was supposed to help, though personally I think it made things worse. I don't remember the name but it was a little yellow pill that I had to take every morning but I was afraid to swallow it because I was irrationally afraid that it would make me choke. The doctor told my parents to open the pill and put the contents in my food. Inside the yellow pill was small white pellets that looked like sprinkles. They sure didn’t taste like sprinkles. The flavor of the white pellets was the most horrible blend of bitter and sour that it always felt like I was kissing the grim reaper. I had to take it with food and the bitter taste ruined all food that it touched. To this day, I cannot eat Honeycomb cereal without tasting the ghost of the white sprinkles on my tongue. The medication also had the bad side effect of making me not want to eat. I ate rather little during this time and I weighed around fifty pounds for a good three to four years. I don’t know if it helped with my anxiety problem or not, for I still had panic attacks for about three years straight though I can’t recall the frequency of them. It was in the fourth grade that I was finally able to swallow the pill but, ironically, it was soon after that I was taken off the medication.

In the sixth grade, I was prescribed the patch version of the medication. The patch was about five inches in length and two inches in width. It was to be put on my lower back, a rather unfortunate placement. Having the patch on my back was very embarrassing especially because we had to start dressing out for P. E. You are made fun of quite a lot when you have what appears to be a very large piece of tape stuck to your back. I began to remove the patch before I left for school in the mornings. I felt, and still feel, very guilty about this because the patches weren’t cheap and I was wasting this medication and money. The shame of this has never really gone away and it still bothers me now, all these years later.

When my mother found out that I was removing the patches, she confronted me on it. This was during the sixth grade and my grades were slipping. I remember that it was a Monday around dinnertime and she came into my room telling me that I was too smart to be acting the way that I was. She was angry with me for wasting the patches and for not making good grades. She removed the television that was in my room and grounded me. Months later, it was the last day of sixth grade when my mom picked me up from school, which was odd because I had always rode the bus. She took me to this place and at the time I didn’t know what it was but know, looking back, it was therapy. During these therapy sessions was the first time that I had ever heard the word anxiety, though I was too afraid to ask what it meant. The therapist was a woman and she was very nice but I was reluctant to tell her anything because I knew that whatever I told her, she would then tell my mom. The therapist always asked me about school but I hated talking about school. I wanted to talk about my favorite TV show and the music that I liked at the time. I don’t think that she liked me talking about that stuff because she would always steer the conversation back to school. I did not want to talk about school. School made me sad and angry. I want to talk about my favorite shows and music because those things made me happy. I hardly ever got the chance to talk about the things that made me happy because hardly anyone wanted to talk to me at all. I remember specifically one day, the therapist asked me, “On a scale from one to ten, one being the lowest and ten being the highest, how happy do you feel?” I wanted to say four or five but my mom was in the room and I didn’t want her to know how I really felt so I said that I felt like a seven.

Hiding how I really feel about things has become an art form that I excel at now. Very few people actually know that I have an anxiety disorder. I actively try to hide it because I don’t like people knowing too many things about me. It stresses me out for some reason when someone knows things about me, so I hide these things to the point where many people who I am even close to don’t know much about me. My brother sometimes describes me as “chill” and “laid back” which I would find somewhat funny if not for the fact that it is so difficult for me to relax that someone saying that I am laid back just feels like they are taunting me with a mindset that I am unable to experience. I also find it highly ironic that he would think this of me since he is the one who makes me more agitated than any other person that I know. My brother has not always been so supportive of my differences so I get irrationally afraid when he finds out even trivial things about me. I can’t tell him what music I like or what my favorite books or movies are because I am so afraid that there will be backlash. Which I know is ridiculous since we are both adults now but there is still a voice in the back of my head saying, “he will make fun of you like everyone else did all those years ago.”

I don’t know how to live without an anxiety disorder. It has been a constant problem in my life for the past ten years, which is half of my entire life. I don’t know who I am without an anxiety disorder. It has shaped my life since I was a child and has so affected me that I don’t even know who I am anymore. Whenever I do or think something in retaliation of stress, I often wonder if it is because of my personality and who I am as a person or if it is because of my mental illness. I cannot differentiate between the two. I don’t know what parts of me are my personality and what parts of me are my disorder. I often dwell on things of the past that don’t need to be revisited. I try to forget things and move on but my mind will say, “Hey, remember that stressful thing that happened seven years ago? You should think about that for no apparent reason and dwell on it for the rest of the day and let it keep you up tonight.” This is practically a daily occurrence.

I will live with this problem for the rest of my life. Sure, I could start taking medication and therapy again but I’m not sure if I would want to. Because I don’t know who I am without anxiety and depression, if I tried to fix these things, I would not be the same. I would not be me. And that scares me.

[storiesofwildfire]

So, I’m running on a couple hours of sleep and I can’t figure out why I’m unable to go back to sleep, but I guess I’m just awake for the time being...

Anyways, I saw Endgame again for the second time last night, and I gotta admit, I disliked it just as much the second time as I did the first time.

Now, I’m not saying the entire movie was garbage. There were definitely some highlights, some fun moments, and some great character development (shoutout to my girl, Nebula, whom I love with all my heart), but honestly? The film left me overall extremely disappointed. Considering I went in with no expectations and still left disappointed, that’s saying something.

Consider this a warning because Endgame spoilers under the cut:

There are so many things about the movie that were rushed, poorly executed, sloppy, or just overall confusing (looking at you, bullshit explanation of time travel). And as much as I’d like to go through the movie and dissect everything scene-by-scene, I just don’t have the energy for that.

What I wanna do instead is talk about Loki’s very minimal role in it, because I am extremely upset and disappointed in Loki’s story arc or lack thereof. 

Why?

Because the few scenes Loki was in were a few one-off jokes to get the audience’s attention and nothing more. We see him in his cell on Asgard in 2013 when Thor and Rocket go back for the Aether. The pair literally sneak by his cell, but they do nothing with the scene. Loki doesn’t notice them (as he really fucking should, because Loki is one of the most observant characters in Asgard) and Thor doesn’t hesitate for even a moment to look back at his now-dead brother.

Throughout the entire movie, Thor says nothing about Loki’s death, nothing about missing Loki even though Loki’s death (and Heimdall’s death) was a huge catalyst for the depression that he fell into. He watched Thanos murder his brother after Loki tried to stop him, after losing Heimdall and half of the Asgardians, after sacrificing the Tesseract and himself so Thor could live. Loki’s death shakes him (as it usually does, but this time, it’s supposedly authentically real). And yet, throughout the entire movie, he never once mentions Loki, doesn’t even pay attention to Loki when he gets to see his brother alive, and hyper-focused on his mother instead. Yes, I get that her death stung, but her death is also over a decade old. He’s processed it, been through a lot more since then, and while I understand him having issues with visiting the day she died, there is so much more for Thor to think about, to worry about, to mourn.

And Loki should have been at the top of that list. They were finally reconciling, finally getting back to a decent place as brothers and friends... 

Then we have the scenes from the first Avengers film in 2012. Where Loki is literally just in the background, making jokes while in chains. He’s been defeated, he knows what’s going to happen next, and he’s just? Making jokes? Even though that was, quite literally, one of the worst times in Loki’s life physically, mentally, and emotionally. He would not have been turning his defeat and inevitable demise into one massive joke. He barely even got a line at all (half of his only line was as Captain America, so I mean... Because Cap definitely needed more screentime, am I right?) and while yes, his expressions and little tidbits in the background were funny, the entire film seemed to turn him into a giant joke.

Given what they did to Thor, I shouldn’t be surprised. Someone who values appearances and being well-received as much as Thor is thrown into such a horrible depression that he puts on a ton of weight, becomes nothing more than a drunk hermit, and doesn’t take care of himself because of the guilt, trauma, PTSD, and panic attacks that came along with the events of Infinity War and they turned him into a walking, talking fat joke who cried the whole time... mkay.

But anyway, back to the point I’m making. Which is how disappointed in Loki’s arc I am.

Yes, they do go out of their way to show off Tony losing the Tesseract, which skitters over to Loki’s feet, and he quickly picks it up and vanishes. I’ll give the film that, but earlier in the movie, they put so much emphasis on making sure the audience understood that changing the past doesn’t change the future with some sort of ridiculous “when you travel back in time, that becomes your future and you in the present becomes your past” logic. 

Later, we see the Ancient One discussing how taking an Infinity Stone out of its proper place in the timeline can create varying alternate timelines, but that seemed very specific to the removal of the Infinity Stones, but nothing else.

So, worst case scenario is that Loki taking the Tesseract and darting off actually meant nothing because changing the past doesn’t change the future (I am still having such a hard time wrapping my mind around that because it doesn’t make sense). Best case scenario is that it does matter because an alternate timeline was created, but if that’s the case, there’s a very distinct possibility that Loki only still exists in that alternate timeline. And if by some defiance of canon, Loki taking the Tesseract and running does allow him to show up again later in the same timeline, literally all of his character development since The Avengers would have been undone...

But what was really, honestly heartbreaking? Watching all of the portals open at the final battle and watching all of the vanished walk through them. We see all of our favorites and in the theater, I was holding my breath, waiting for Loki to come through one of them. 

And he never did.

It was a heartbreaking moment because in Infinity War, they killed him off so quickly in such a ridiculous way. I’m so sorry, but Loki canonly knows more about Thanos than 98% of the MCU characters. He would not attempt to kill Thanos with a concealed dagger while Thanos is wielding more than one Infinity Stone. It’s just? Not going to happen, honestly. Loki’s far too clever, far too sneaky, and far too knowledgable on Thanos to pull something that stupid.

Not to mention, more powerful. While MCU has never really developed Loki’s abilities to their fullest potential, Loki has so many tools and resources in magic, combat, and strategizing that what he did literally makes no sense. It was almost set up to look like a fake death, but they’re trying to sell it like it was real.

Please tell me how a God--someone who has survived multiple times in space without the ability to breathe, who has suffered fatal wounds and lived to tell the tale--dies from being choked out? That doesn’t even begin to feel or look authentic, and yet, the Russos will claim that it is.

Loki died at the hands of one of his greatest abusers. He deserved to come back, to walk through one of those portals and stand up against Thanos.

If they weren’t going to make him more important to the story by playing off his death as part of a bigger plan, they at least owed him that. Loki could have been such a valuable asset in the fight against Thanos because he literally knows so much about him, but that potential was pissed on. 

But no, he didn’t get that chance. Heimdall didn’t get it. Vision didn’t get it. Anyone who died pre-snap didn’t get it.

And that’s what gets me the most? Because with the Infinity Stones, you can do literally anything, especially while wielding all of them. If Thanos could destroy an entire universe and make a new one as he was planning to do in Endgame, there is no reason you couldn’t bring other people back. There was no reason that those who died pre-snap couldn’t have come back as well. The only people I can justify being gone for good, honestly, are those that were sacrificed for the Soul Stone, because you must exchange a soul for a soul. Loki and Heimdall and Vision were not such people, so they should have been given the same chances that everyone else were given.

But they didn’t get that chance and I am heartbroken by what I saw in that movie.

I didn’t expect Loki to be a huge part of Endgame, but I was hopeful that they would at least give him some validation and a chance to fight back. Instead, we may never see him again going forward because of the blatant disrespect to his character. Yes, I know they’re making a Loki show, and while I’m tentatively excited for it, that’s not the same as seeing Loki survive Endgame and continue forward in MCU.

Honestly? It’s really fucking depressing that a character so wildly loved by so many has been reduced to this. I’ve spent seven years of my life writing and developing this character on my own ever since I fell in love with him. Loki’s such a huge and important part of my life and that love for him is not reflected in MCU.

And I’m really angry and bitter about that.

[kastartss]

I really need help with my mental health condition, please take your time to read my story (if you are willing to only)

Here’s an introduction. Hey, my (not real) name is Kat. I’m 14 (yes, I know, a literal fetus) and I’m from Vietnam.

Two weeks ago, I was diagnosed with anxiety, and honestly, I was not surprised. But then the more I think about it, the more I realize that I have had it for almost my entire life, and I have only been around for 14 years. I felt my social anxiety kick in when I was about in year one in primary school. I remember how bubbly I was of a toddler, always waving and saying hi to adults in my neighborhood. But then I went to school and things changed. I got 2 close friends, let’s call them A and P. I hung out with them, but before I had those two friends, I never recall being in a place without friends. In kindergarten, as far as I could remember, I have many friends. So when I go to school for the first time, I didn’t have close friends. I was still bubbly at the time, talking to kids in my class, but in break time, I have no one to talk with. Even after I got A and P as my friends, sometimes they would gang up on me and I would have total breakdowns and sitting alone, feeling betrayed because no one likes me.

I think that's when I started being less of an exuberant child. I noticed that I have stopped waving to adults, I became more terrified of being around strangers or performing on stage (which was a thing I did all the time in kindergarten). And as time goes on, I develop the fear of trivial things, getting worried every time I go on a trip or holiday (eg. fear that the plane will crash, fear that there would be tsunami at the beach, etc.) or having existential crisis or death related worries. And then when I reach grade four, I got my first crush, I spent all night crying because wow, new emotion unlocked. He’s this sporty boy, sitting next to me in classes, and guess what? He had a crush on my then best friend. I slowly realize, when I reach secondary school, that I am less valuable than many. 

On the second week of sixth grade (secondary school), I had a mental breakdown and I stayed in the bathroom for the entire English lit lesson. The teachers found me, but I couldn’t explain why I ran away. I found it too embarrassing. I ran away because every seats next to a girl is taken and I would’ve had to sit next to this big, scary boy. I didn't know why I felt that way, why I panicked over such a small and stupid thing, but that night I went home, told my mom school’s fine, and found a knife to just end myself.

But of course I didn’t. I was afraid of getting hurt. I was afraid of seeing the life leaving my body. And I remember my mom telling me my life is the most important thing I have.

The reason I’m afraid of getting hurt is pretty damn simple: my mom hit me all the time as a kid. I’m not traumatized by it. But do I cry at night, getting upset and guilty about the things I did to deserve it? Yes, yes I did. But did I think much of it or find ways to stop getting hit? No, no I didn't. I got hit all the time for lying, for not obeying, for being lazy. But my mom really loves me, she does. She yelled at me, she slapped me, she threw books at my face, humiliated me sometimes in public, and hit me with broomsticks and clothes hangers because she said “she wanted the best for me”. She wanted me to change for the better but haha jokes on her, the more she hit me the more stubborn I get. And so update: I’m still getting hit by her for doing shits recently. I have questioned if it’s abusive or not, because I know she got anger issues and she said that herself, to not let her get angry. But in my country, getting hit by your moms is like a casual thing. It’s like depression jokes, we joke about our fucked up mental health and in my place we joke about getting hit my our moms. It's too common that I don't know if it’s abusive or not anymore, that’s one thing I need help on.

Back to the main story. So sixth grade is the time I start feeling conscious about my body. I’m gonna bluntly say this: my body is disproportionally fat. It was as a kid, and it still is now. My legs and arms are normal, not too skinny, but normal, but my body, the torso and chest area, oh boy, that's where all the fat is. If my body fat is spread out evenly, I wouldn’t have complained, it would be beautiful. But despite how much I tried, the fat would only be in that area, and I look ugly in everything. I got self conscious when we did a movie project, I got self conscious when I have to wear stage costumes, and I start acknowledging that I’m not the popular girl. I don't get why girls my age use lipstick and make up, and how they have money to buy expensive clothes. I was naïve, and I wanted to be like them: popular and valued by people. I was the wallflower, no one knows me except my few friends and I don't expect them to. I started developing a mindset that no one remembers me, and I’m insignificant. 

Grade seven, I changed school. And it’s when I found out about fandoms. I liked Harry Potter, and I wrote some fanfictions that one of my friends encourage me to post it on Wattpad, so I did. That’s when I made internet friends, and I got exploited to issues like lgbtqa+, pop culture, and mental health. One of my internet friends, let’s call her W, is queer and got depression. That’s when I started digging deep in these issues, learning about mental health and how to help people with them. And that’s when I start realizing I may have a mental health problem. W attempted suicide last year, in 2017. Fortunately, she survived. I had spent many nights texting her out of it, cheering her up, and the more I’m around her, the more I discover about myself.

This year, I’ve learnt things about myself that I would've had no idea about two years ago. I identify as bisexual, and thinking about a year ago, I still thought being gay is unfortunate. In my country, same sex marriage is legal, but is not very welcomed by the people and is considered a touchy subject. Many consider it an illness and pity people whom identify as such. Generally, no one really cares until it’s their children. My mom didn't like it. She thinks it’s a phase (classic.) and being bi would bring disadvantages to my life (she’s very wrong I daresay it’s literally 20gayteen and two women from the Bachelor Vietnam just ditched the guy for each other???) and that makes me doubt if my mom is ever right (she’s very convincing in most situations, unfortunately). 

I also learnt about my anxiety, like I noted. Two weeks ago, I seek help from the school counselor after being tempted to kill myself out of pure self hate. I have had extreme self hate for the last month but I thought it’s normal. One event that lead to me thinking this way is that one fight I had with my parents that my mom threatened to jump off the window to die and to leave the house forever, she said how terrible I am and I felt like being slapped across the face being it just hit me then: I am terrible. When I was younger I thought people don't like me because im ugly and I really wanted them to like me for my personality. But then the fight happen and I found out: im ugly both inside and outside. That’s when I started to lose hope, my grades (which was going bad before) got worse and when I got a bad result for maths finals, I got devastated and got a panic attack. I climbed to the tallest floor in my school building and lie there, falling asleep and let my mind shut down. My plan was to jump off the building and end my life but the door to outside was locked so I just curled up there and cry. I got found two hours later, and the teachers told me absolute bullshit because my country is absolutely obsolete about mental health. 

It just got worse and worse since March. My mom says I should stop being lazy, stop procrastinating, be more productive and I hate being at home, because my mom use my bedroom as her workplace and I have no privacy. I have to face my mom all day in summer, and that drove me crazy. Even when I had the chance to go to England for a month for summer camp, I still feel insignificant and lonely when I stare at the crowds being happy. My anxiety is super clear, but oh boy how funny I was. 

I thought I was faking it. I thought all of this is me wanting people to pity me, so I have to fake my anxiety and depression. Most of the times I look up for symptoms of depression and anxiety, I hope those symptoms match. Because I wanna be right, I don't wanna be an attention seeker, I want something to blame for my behaviors. 

All the tests I took for depression tell me I have severe depression. But some days I don't feel down or anything. I just felt fine, and deep down I feel guilty for not caring, because does this mean i’m faking my mental illness oh my god. I have a girlfriend. We broke up once, and now we are talking again. She’s in America and we only can text each other, but I don't feel like im ever good enough for her. All I feel is self hate and unworthiness. 

This is the thing I want you guys to help me about: Do I really have these mental illnesses? Am I making it up? Am I just paranoid and crave attention?

The thing that makes me doubting myself is the fact that around me, many kids are raised like me. Being hit my their moms, have the same education, but they’re not depressed. they don't have social anxiety. They’re doing alright. So I’m afraid this is because I got myself into this myself by going on the internet and reading about gay shits and befriend depressing people and got this myself. I’m afraid I’m making this up to be relevant. 

Please help me with this, or just reblog to help me find an answer. I’m so sorry I’m wasting your time. But please, I need to find myself. I don't want to feel suicidal again.

[moonraccoon-exe]

Can I ask for some fleurentia/ravnis ANGSTY headcanons about what happened between Ravus and Ignis during their last fight, when Ravus was asking to be finished and he was obviously in such a great pain after being modified by Ardyn? It would be fucking angsty and I NEED THAT. If you don't mind ;)

Heck damn right YOU CAN AND I WILL COMPLY VERY JOYFULLY, AYO.

Apparently I can’t work without context so have some first:

Ravus and Ignis were sort of longtime lovers by that point.

They maintained a long distance relationship since Ignis was like nineteen.

They met when Iggy was a child and Ravus was a pre-teen. Liked each other since, felt affection for each other since.

The issue of Noct got into their relationship; Ravus was angry that Ignis was “too dumb and blinded by baseless loyalty for that boy” to see he wasn’t worthy of being the Chosen, and Ignis was angry that Ravus insisted on “being too proud to understand not everything revolves around him and that Noctis will find his place at his time”.

Long story short; both feel affection for each other since they were kids, had a longtime long distance relationship, and even though they didn’t explicitly broke up, they had that difference of opinions and lost contact since months prior to the Insomnia attack and until they “met” again at that imperial base; later on meeting properly at Altissia.

….BUT they still loved each other, despite said differences.

None admitted it until the events of Altissia.

They made up, apologized, and forgave each other across the events (while slaying mechs and MTs, of course).

They still fought when Ravus lost it at the altar, but made up again after he had vent his anger.

Ravus had a “You don’t know what you’ve got until you lose it” smack to the face when Ignis almost dies and went blind.

Ravus stayed there with him until Gladio and Prompto arrived, apologizing and shushing him, holding him dear in arms, and crying out all his regrets.

Why he stopped talking to Ignis for something so foolish, mostly. Ravus really regretted having lost contact with him and letting his love for him die for something so stupid and unrelated to them. It took months that he could have used to make Ignis happy away.

It was Ignis’ own determination to protect Noctis what makes Ravus turn sides; if his darling went so far as to almost dying and giving up his sight for this young man, then Ravus will help them. If not for Noctis, at least so that Ignis’ own sacrifices don’t go in vain.

That’s why even though Ravus would have liked to stay, he left to Gralea to get the Sword of the Father and to confront the emperor.

Yeh…eh…things don’t go well, we know.

And so, we get to what we want: the moment Ravus is revived as a daemon and is forced to attack the chocobros.

Ignis included.

When the doors first opened with Ardyn’s voice in background, Ignis couldn’t see what was happening (obviously).

He heard some distant metal steps and felt a very dangerous and dark presence, but that was it. He couldn’t put his finger onto what exactly it was.

“Is that…Ravus?”

“Or what’s left of him-”

Gladio interrupted Prompto there. And, as was expected, both look at Ignis next (Noct didn’t because he already feels guilty enough and he knows what this means to Ignis, and really it’s the last thing Noct wants to see).

Ignis does react to what he hears, with a change of expression, but before he can say anything Ravus talks.

“Kill me….end- this…”

Ignis’ first reaction isn’t staying paralyzed, as was maybe expected.

Ignis grabbed the nearest person by the arm, a bit too roughly, and said one word.

“Retreat.”

All the chocobros looked at him after that.

This is the first command Ignis has given since Altissia…

And for the first time since any of them can remember, Ignis looks…scared.

Ignis looks absolutely terrified.

Ignis is trying to step back on trembling legs and unstable feet, still holding to Noct’s arm a bit too roughly, and trying to pull from him.

Ignis starts trying to convince them for retreat, but it doesn’t sound like he has a plan; he doesn’t sound firm as usual. He sounds rather…scared. And sort of in panic.

“Retreat, we have- to go back. I know the elevator is- we can- we can round him. Or go back. I’m sure there must be more than one way to the Crystal room, we- retreat. We need-”

The only reason Ravus didn’t kill them in one slash while Ignis was trying to hold them back was because Gladio was fast and stopped him with the shield.

Prom and Noct ran to safer points; Ravus chased after Noctis, and naturally Gladio wanted to run after him but didn’t.

Gladio may not seem like so, but he’s the wisest of the group when Ignis can’t be.

Gladio knew it was to happen…so he turned around to grab Ignis at the same time Ignis had started to run towards Ravus yelling “No”.

It’s the first time in years that Gladio has ever heard him yell like that in something that is not a command or an order.

Ignis let it out almost not thinking; he dropped his cane and tried to run after him, only to collide against Gladio, and being immediately rounded by his arms, not in comfort, but in a grip to not let him go after the daemon.

Ignis basically begged for retreat.

While struggling against Gladio to break free, Ignis then basically begged for the real reason he was begging for retreat.

“We can’t kill him! We can’t kill him- don’t hurt him!”

It was Gladio who had to smack sense into him.

He tried reminding Ignis that it wasn’t Ravus anymore (not at all), that they had priorities, that it was a lost cause (trying to save Ravus), etc.

It wasn’t until Gladio had to use the ultimate weapon that he both got Ignis to calm down and try to come back to rationality; Noctis.

“He’s trying to murder Noctis! Ardyn is making him try to kill Noctis! You swore to protect him, didn’t you? Your king, and the Chosen. That is, literally, the fate of the world, Ignis. We can’t save him now. All we can do is…stop his suffering. You’re Ignis Scientia, aren’t you? Didn’t you teach us all to do the right thing, even if it hurts!?”

Gladio didn’t like using that against his friend; he’s basically making him choose duty above love. But they literally don’t have an option, Ravus can’t be saved anymore, no matter what they do.

Prompto and Noctis had a very bad time against daemon Ravus while Gladio tried to smack sense into Ignis; not only was Ignis in absolute panic, it could also be dangerous. Ignis, blinded, and running towards a daemon…it could really be troubles in many ways.

Ignis was completely out of his usual self, but we must comprehend him.

He’s been keeping to himself the burden of knowing Noctis is fated to die; he’s already bottled up having lost his family and his homeland; he’s dealing with accepting his eternal blindness.

Of course that, after so much, Ignis would break down at some point.

And what a breaking point; Ignis is witnessing the love of his life, with whom he literally just reunited and made up just a few weeks ago, turn into a literal monster and trying to kill them all.

Ignis basically recovered all the immense, huge love he thought was lost, only to be taken from it again.

Being forced to actually kill his dear one.

Of course Ignis would lose all composure and rationality.

Indeed, it would have taken far much longer with anyone else; Ignis, as devoted to Noct and his duty and his oath, and as rational and wise as he is, needed a hurried but very concise speech from Gladio, and accepted it.

He wasn’t content or comfortable or even confident about the idea; like Noctis accepts his destiny, Ignis is accepting this just because he doesn’t have any other option.

Ignis tries joining the fight, but is still trying to figure out if there’s a way to avoid this.

What happened during the fight itself?

Ignis honestly stays more on the defensive and trying to make sure Noct is okay. No offenses.

Ignis, secretly, is trying to be very selfish and leave it all on Gladio and Prompto.

If there’s no avoiding this fight, then hopefully the others can get in charge of it and do it for him. He doesn’t feel…strong enough to do it. Talking in senses that are not physical.

Ravus is reacting to being hit, but when no one is hitting him, Ravus chases after Noct…or after Ignis.

It’s clear he’s a main target; Ravus goes over to him more frequently than he goes after the other 3.

Gladio mostly is who stays in charge of making sure to make Ravus change direction.

A few couple times that Ravus has gotten dangerously close to Ignis, though, he has attacked…

And failed.

During the fight, Ravus managed to throw all bros but Ignis away. He got close and cornered him.

Ignis didn’t dare attack, he stayed on the defensive.

Ravus did raise his daemon hand…but, as it was coming down, he hesitated and made sure to hit the ground instead.

It happened at least seven heartbreaking times.

And each time he missed a hit on purpose?

Ravus would say something.

Ravus asked Ignis to kill him.

Ravus asked for Please.

Ravus asked Ignis to take the chance.

Once, Ravus forced himself down on his knees in front of him and hurried him to do it.

“Please…Ignis…please…”

Ignis didn’t dare. None of those times.

Any of the bros had to go take Ignis away of there because he would stay there for too long asking Ravus to calm down (or telling him he couldn’t do it [kill him]), and Ravus’ daemon side took over and tried to attack again.

Each time Ravus lands an attack nearby Ignis, he shrieks out in what sounds like literal pain.

Like when a daemon dies; like a shriek of physical agony and piercing pain. That’s what Ravus sounds like whenever he almost hits Ignis.

You know how Ravus calls for Lunafreya across the fight?

That wasn’t the only name he would call for.

“Ignis…”

“Please, Ignis…”

“…Ignis…no…”

“Forgive me…Ignis…”

Each time Ravus says his name, Ignis breaks a little more.

If he started on a firm defensive, each time Ravus cries his name is a huge hit to Ignis’ walls, until he’s left completely vulnerable and exposed because Ignis just can’t cope with this.

Take anything from him, take his hands, take his voice, oh gods above, take his ears and his tongue and all his senses, take his own life, but please make Ravus stop crying his name and please save him…

Ignis did try once to hug Ravus, both to physically try to stop him, and to see if maybe that way he recovered a bit of rationality.

Ravus threw him away very violently.

Ignis was very hurt from just being thrown, that’s how bad and violent Ravus was against him in just one movement.

Of course, this brought out some of Ravus’ rationality.

And when he realized that he had hurt his love…oh gods.

The sound that Ravus made when he realized it.

Ignis had not even landed yet when Ravus was already screaming out in pure pain.

The scream Ravus let out came from deep within his entrails, his heart, and his soul itself.

It was pain in its purest, brutest, most sincere state.

It froze all the chocobros in spot, partly at how loud it was, but mostly at the sensation of it; it was so full of pain, goosebumps struck everyone in the room like a bolt.

After that scream, Ravus fell to his knees, like he was dying. He was still making a low noise, in clear suffering.

“…no..”

Ravus stretched a trembling, daemon hand in the adviser’s direction, like trying to reach for him.

“…Ig-…nis…”

Even though it was a chance, none of the bros took it.

That sudden action felt…heavy. It was sort of a reminder that this was a human being with feelings and who was in the most pain they had ever seen in any creature in their lives…and it felt wrong, you know?

For a moment, no one had the heart to kill anyone.

But, you know, the daemon side takes over more and more with every second; Ravus is there only in glimpses, but he’s not on control of himself anymore.

So he stood up and tried to retake his attack, this time focusing in the other bros; the conscious part of Ravus was hurt that he hurt Ignis, and the not conscious part of himself takes that as fuel and tries to take it out on others.

Hence, Ravus becomes more aggressive on this second half of the fight, but tries to ignore Ignis.

Ignis needed some help to be back up on his feet, and he too had to avoid lots of Ravus attacks meant for others (sometimes aimed to himself, of course; daemon Ravus doesn’t care about him like Ravus does).

In the end, even though it would have been beautiful in its very tragic way, Ignis wasn’t the one to finish Ravus off.

Ignis didn’t have the heart to do it. He simply couldn’t.

And, sad as it may be, Ravus ends up collapsing and starts dying.

The fight is over.

Thank the Astrals, Ravus does get a good recovery of senses; he comes back into full rationality, but only as he’s dying.

Ignis was already on his way towards him; the bros just finish guiding him there, as fast as he can, and try to give him space.

Ignis tries placing a hand on his chest, and moves his hand away by reflex when he feels the black goo and the beating organ that’s half in his body and half outside.

“Ignis…no…don’t touch…me…”

Ravus’ voice is barely a whisper. He’s clearly dying with no way back, and using what little he has of strength to talk.

Ignis ignores him.

Ignis tries touching his face, but before his fingers land there, Ravus grips his hand to stop him.

“…no. Ignis- not my face…”

Ignis tried telling him it’s fine, he wants to feel.

“…Ignis…I don’t want…your last memory of me…to be…this. I want you to remember me as I was before…not…not like this. I won’t go at peace if I know your last memory of me is me looking like…this.”

Ravus talks very, veeery slowly and very lowly, but Ignis hears him just fine.

Ignis ignores him again.

“I don’t care. You’re you no matter what your body is like. I won’t live in peace if you don’t let me feel you.”

As much as Ravus fears, he lets go of Ignis’ hand and lets him feel.

Ignis touches his face.

While Ravus agonizes, unable to open the eyes, Ignis touches all over his face with nude fingertips, tracing every line he finds.

His fingers go across his human skin, and into the goo. They feel the goo that rolls down his cheeks; he feels the base of the horn, and he caresses the hair. He feels his chin and his lip, the goo in there included.

He’s shaking a lot…but he never hesitates.

Ignis touches both human and daemon sides the same; the same quantity of time, with the same confidence, and with the same dear affection.

After a moment, Ignis gives a tiny and sad chuckle.

“Still you. My Ravus…”

Ravus wants to tell him many things; the first of everything, he wants to point out to Ignis that he didn’t hesitate about touching his daemon side, like he never hesitated about touching his MT arm. Ravus wants to tell him that Ignis is amazing; that Ignis loves so dearly, and so sincerely, that he didn’t even care about Ravus’ current hideous, literally monstrous state. He wants to thank him for loving him despite it all. He wants to say thanks and express how amazing it is that Ignis is not disgusted of him. He wants to apologize for what he became; he wants to apologize for hurting him and his friends; he wants to apologize for all that time he spent away of him, and for not having been able to save him in Altissia…

Ravus wants to say many, many things,way much more than I listed above.

But he doesn’t have the strength or the time to do it.

All he does is try to lift the hand. He can’t.

Ravus ends up asking Ignis to help him guide his hand to his face.

“I want…to feel you too…”

Ignis blindly looks for it, finds it, and hurries to press it to his face.

Ignis kisses his hand over and over whenever he can while Ravus very, very weakly caresses his face.

Ravus does manage to open the eyes to look at him for a good while.

It’s Ravus’ hand on his face what starts finishing Ignis.

Ignis starts crying while Ravus caresses his cheek.

“I’m so sorry, Ravus. My Ravus…”

For the first time since he first woke up after Altissia, but for an entirely different reason, Ignis starts crying proper enough to sob and sniff.

Ravus smiles at him. Sadly, weakly, knowing Ignis can’t see it, but he smiles.

“It was necessary…”

Ravus does understand it was the only way, that’s why he kept asking over and over for them to kill him. But he does know how difficult it must have been for Ignis to be forced to fight him and to kill him.

“Thank you, Ignis…”

Ravus cleans Ignis’ tears, still caressing his face.

“…my Ignis.”

Ignis is doing amazing at holding in the real tears…

…until Ravus starts fading.

Ravus starts turning into particles, as most/all daemons do when they die.

Ignis had already felt Ravus’ hand stopping and dropping itself on dead weight; the only reason it stayed pressed to Ignis’ face is because Ignis himself has always kept a hand on it.

However, Ignis hears the subtle hiss and feels Ravus’ hand start to deintegrate right there, pressed to his face.

“…Ravus?”

Ignis can’t see it happening, so for a microsecond it didn’t cross his mind because it just couldn’t be possible. Ravus couldn’t just disappear like that, he couldn’t simply…stop existing.

So when Ignis does notice what’s happening, he panics a bit again and tried to touch Ravus again just to make sure he’s still there.

Ignis does manage to put a hand on Ravus’ chest for a moment.

But a few moments later, that same palm gently hits the floor.

Ignis does manage to put a hand to Ravus’ face too.

Ignis can feel the corner of Ravus’ mouth curve slightly up, against his thumb.

Ravus is smiling.

Weakly, very weakly and in pain, but he’s smiling. At him. For him.

Ignis feels like Ravus tried to say something, but he only managed a little breath.

Then, Ignis’ hand was holding nothing but little particles that flew away of it.

And just like that, Ignis is knelt in front of nothing, holding nothing.

Ignis is left in shock.

None of the bros dare say anything.

That is, of course, when Ardyn unleashes the endless hoard of daemons on them.

Gladio took a defensive role nearby Ignis, but

Surprisingly enough, Ignis immediately stands up and summons his daggers, and stays on both defensive and offensive himself, like nothing happened.

Ignis also fighst like nothing happened all through it.

Even when ordering/suggesting to Noctis about leaving the party to go for the Crystal, Ignis’ voice is not shaky and his movements don’t hesitate too much.

Ignis was aware that if he let his brain process Ravus’ death, he would really become a burden, so he started fighting to keep the brain occupied with adrenaline to not let it understand the weight of what happened.

It is much, much later that the weight of it fell on Ignis; by the first moment he has a break long enough to let his brain process what happened, he has already lost Noctis as well.

It would be good to say Ignis cried; it would be a sign that he was in pain but it was bearable enough to vent it through tears. But nope.

Ignis’ heartbreak is so intense and profound, he can only grip at his chest, slowly go down to the ground, and come and go out of and back into consciousness.

He had just recovered the love of his life, and he lost him. Even worse, he participated in killing him. And, almost at the same time, he also lost the brother he had loved for a lifetime.

Ignis had once traded Ravus for Noctis, and now that he had had the chance to keep both, the astrals took both from him; one dead in his hands, and the other destined to die next time they would meet.

Ignis felt pathetic, humiliated, and incredibly embarrassed by the sensation of becoming a nuisance when Gladio had to carry with him the rest of the way out of Zegnautus because Ignis just couldn’t stand on his feet for the rest of the day, but honestly he was in so much heartache, he simply allowed it.

The way back was a very poor and sad image; a brokenhearted Prompto walking next to a shocked Gladio, who carried with Ignis on his back, who quietly cried in his neck and shoulder.

The worst of Ravus’ death, Ignis told his friends later, was that Ignis didn’t tell him that he loved him. He let him go without telling him “I love you” back.

Because Ravus did say it; it was not in words and it was not aloud and no one else heard it.

The thing is, Ignis could understand that last breath that Ravus gave him, back when he smiled a bit before the end.

Ignis did not need to see his face or to hear any words; that last breath, that said it all.

And Ignis didn’t say it back.

Hnnnngh….why did I do this to myself, what is wrong with me- my- feelings… ;A;

What a HORRIBLE prompt, I LOVE IT. It’s so angsty and so tragic and it tears me to pieces. Often I just ignore canon when it comes to this ship, precisely because of how sad this exact moment would be for them. But writing for this particular moment, it was amazing and I enjoyed it so, so much!

Thank you IMMENSELY for dropping this request, dear person! It was delightful to write. I hadn’t written for Ravnis/Fleurentia in SO LONG, and this was absolutely exquisite and incredibly fun. Thank you for bringing me back to this pairing and for such a wonderful prompt!! ( ´ ▽ ` )

I hope this was close to your expectatives, even if just a bit? :’)Do let me know what you think, please! I hope you enjoyed it. 

Thanks again!

I hope you’re having a MOST FANTASTIC day or night! ヽ(・ω・)ﾉ

Give coon a tip, please? (o´▽`o)

[sassysweetstories]

Shared

Request: “soul-mate au where you feel the other’s emotions. Lydia rejected Stiles and he thought for the longest time that they were soul-mates only to find Lydia with someone else. AND HE’S SUPER SAD AND THE READER CAN FEEL IT!!” 

Ship: mentions of previous Lydia x Stiles, Stiles x Fem!Reader

Warnings: angst, swearing, flashbacks, fluff, description of panic attack, minor kissing, emotion sharing, blood, fighting, etc. 

Notes: none of these gifs are mine, credit to owners. 

Tagged for all and AU’s:  @bailey-hoover @kiralivelove @thalia-prior-of-ravenclaw@anamcg317 @bellasett @queentiffanyyy @archer-whovian-violinist@beingmadinwonderland @princessisabelle19 @violence-and-velvet @ordinarygirlmeetsfantasticworld @all-alone-he-turns-to-stone 

Stiles P.O.V

[5 months ago] 

When I looked into her beautiful hazel eyes, everything just made sense. Or, at least I thought it did. Her gorgeous strawberry blonde hair fell perfectly onto her shoulders as her hips moved from side to side. How was she always so elegant and regal? Nearly seven years, I’ve known that I loved Lydia Martin. I would do anything for her, give up everything just to see her smile. And we were happy, laughing and joking and bickering like friends, hopefully couples do. The government said soul-mates have something to do with our genetic coding while others said it was because of the gods and goddess who wield it. For a little while I thought it was rubbish. That was until Lydia Martin waltzed into my life. 

For a long time I had wanted to confess to her that she was my soul-mate. There was no doubt in my mind that she was the one person who brought me joy in times of stress. However as time went on, I was starting to lose hope. Lydia’s smile was less when she was with me, not as warm and open as usual. The more cold she became made me frightened and nervous. But I had spent nearly seven years wondering if she felt the same. But if everyone says soul-mates feel and know when they look at one another, why wasn’t she more excited? And then I wish I hadn’t wondered. 

“Stiles, I don’t love you. I don’t even really like you. I only talked to you because Jackson left me and I needed attention.” She snapped at me one day in the middle of the hallway. But it didn’t make sense. “Lydia, I thought- I thought we-” I ask, voice hoarse but hopeful as I feel my heart slowly crumbling. I can’t breath. I feel like I’m suffocating as she mercilessly says, “Stiles, get over yourself. There was nothing between us to begin with. You were just infatuation with me. I’ve found my soul-mate. And he isn’t you.” She turned over her shoulder, her strawberry blonde hair whipping around in the process. A thing in which I once adored but now makes me sick to my stomach. Turning away from the crowded hallway, I push and nudge everyone out of the way to get some place safe. A bathroom, somewhere out of the public eye. 

My breathing is choppy and rigid as I nearly fall into the family bathroom, somehow managing to lock it in the process of my sudden panic attack. My vision is disoriented and blurry as I attempt to reach the sink in hopes that some water could suppress this hellish nightmare that starts to form and fester around me. Everything’s turning black, dark spots plague my vision and my heart feels like it’s about to jump out of my chest, hoping to escape the inevitable. It’s all too much. The sudden odd mixture of cold and hotness, the straight up rejection from the girl whom I thought to have loved. From what little I can make out, a set of hands shakily reach for the handles. It takes me a second to realize that they’re in fact mine. Before I know it, my face is immersed within the water, patting the back of my sweaty neck. 

Your P.O.V

One minute I’m fine and the next I’m heaving for air, like it’ll never come back and it’s my last chance to grab as much of it as I can before it’s too late. I know exactly what this is. A panic attack. I’ve been on the wrong side of it before but this time there wasn’t a reason for it to have triggered, or for me to feel the way that I do. I’m at a small gathering when suddenly the room becomes too packed, like it has shrunk down to the size of a teacup. Usually I’m fine at parties, hell, I’m the party at parties. But right now it feels like someone’s taken a barrel of water and shoved it down my throat. And yet my lungs feel dry and small, almost too tiny for my normal size. Quickly I slip from the bodies and thumping speakers that suddenly have no sound whatsoever, leaning against into the walls as I search in hopes of a secluded area in the house to let this pass. 

Dark spots bounce around my blurry vision as I somehow sneak into the nearest empty bathroom, fiddling with the lock until I hear a successful click. I fall to the ground, flicking the lights in the process to a dim setting. For some weird reason, I’m an odd mixture of sadness and heartbreak. Like I lost a love or a family member of some sort. But I hadn’t to my recollection. It was as if someone was ripping out my insides, putting them back together, only to do it all over again. I can’t stop the tears from escaping as my choppy breathing makes mist form across the white marble floor. Propping my body up on my elbow, I can barely hold up my weight. For the first time in a long time, I feel as though a massive anvil crushes my chest and lungs, tearing me apart, limb by limb. It’s all too much. 

[Now]

It’s been a few months since my panic attack and those months following, I was unbelievably sad. My drastic mood change concerned my friends and family greatly. That was until they came up with a solution that everyone wouldn’t stop talking about, especially my friends. “It’s your soul-mate!” Exclaimed my friend, Dakota, in the middle of our favorite coffee shop. She was hell-bent on said theory, believed it wholeheartedly, too. But it didn’t make sense. People get waves of sadness all the time? Besides, if that were true, how the hell would I even find my soul-mate if we’re feeling the others emotions? How can I locate him? I had hundreds of questions about the theory, all of which weren’t being answered, nor did I expect them to be. Dakota kept on with her sch-peel that I gotta have faith in the universe or whatever. 

But honestly, I wasn’t feeling up to it. This sadness was really getting me down and I hadn’t a clue as to why. Later that day, I went home to find a series of envelopes resting on the kitchen table. Mom must’ve brought the mail in before going out. Rummaging through to see if any belonged to me, I pause on one envelope and my heart drops to the pit of my stomach, face going pale. University College of Admissions. Oh god, this was it. My acceptance letter or my decline.. There’s a fifty fifty chance for either and I can’t breath. I’m tearing apart the package with shaky needy fingers. I toss the outer layer in the trash, holding my breath in anticipation. I open the paper all the way and read. 

Dear (Y/N) (Y/L/N), 

Welcome to the family! We are happy to congratulate you on your acceptance to...

I let the breath out and jaw go slack, gasping in shock. I-I was accepted.. I read it aloud this time and for some reason it feels more real when I hear myself say the words I’ve worked so hard to achieve. I was accepted into the school of my dreams. For the first time in months, my sadness has completely washed away. Overcome by joy. I worked my ass off, fighting through hours of tears, school, a job, bullies, and everything in between to get to this one significant moment. For the first time in a long time, I felt whole and enough, that my time and effort and energy was not overlooked. In fact, it felt like someone had put me on a pedestal for everyone to see the greatness and success I’ve achieved all on my own. 

Stiles P.O.V

When I wake up this morning, I expect to feel as I have felt for the past few months, cold and heartbroken. But for some odd reason, I’m overcome by a sense of joy that I’m brought to automatic tears, happy tears. After everything that’s happened, I have no reason to be or feel happy, and yet, I can’t stop myself from grinning from ear to ear, almost like a kid on Christmas. I cry and laugh, holding my pillow close to my chest before turning on some upbeat music which only make my happiness grow. Why I was feeling this way made little to no sense and made me confused but I was too busy floating on cloud nine to actually care. For some reason, I felt more proud of myself than ever. Like I had put enough time into things such as school, and work, and saving people that I felt warm, almost fuzzy with joy. 

For the first time in what feels like forever, I’m not thinking about Lydia, I’m thinking about me. I’m thinking about my accomplishments and hard work as a member of the pack. I’m going over the moments in my head in which I was independent and confident in my abilities despite my overall clumsiness. The moments where I saved lives, including my own whilst fighting against a threat that was seemingly impossible to defeat. It was like all my reason to wallow had vanished. Lydia was seriously missing out on being with me. But for once, I’m happy that she’s not my soul-mate. If she was, I would have been straight up miserable, following her around like a lost puppy would. I would have succumbed to her manipulative ways and done anything for her. I giggle at the idea of freedom, that I’m my own person. It’s like a blanket of warmth that washes over me. 

But I had to ask the one question that boggled my mind. Why the sudden change in mood? It was not something small, in fact, it was beyond drastic. It was the biggest mood jump I’ve ever had. The next few days, my attitude change shocks not only me, but everyone, as-well. Scott pulls me aside, eyeing my odd, overly happy behavior. “What the hell’s gotten into you?” Even though it’s nice not wallowing in my self pity anymore, the question does scare me because I don’t know the answer to it. I shake my head, still smiling, unable to suppress the joy. “I have no clue but I can’t stop smiling. I don’t know, I just feel- I feel like I’ve accomplished so much. That I’m stronger than I think, that I worked hard to get where I am right now, ya know? I just kinda realized, I don’t need Lydia. That I got where I am because of you and my dad.” 

He nodded and hypothesized the most ridiculous thing in the world. “OH MY GOD! IT HAS TO BE YOUR SOUL-MATE?!” I may be sporting a smile but I can’t help but roll my eyes in detest. But the more I think about it, the less wild it sounds. Lydia had a soul-mate? Maybe that’s why she was shifting moods so often when we were around one another? I take to the internet to search for more answers. When my eyes fall onto the most recent news article, I find myself scanning every words at hyper-speed, eating up as much information on the topic that I can. If soul-mates are real, could this possible have something to do with my drastic emotional fluctuation? I have ten websites open before a new body enters my room. “Son, what are you doing?” Dad asks, leaning against the door wall. “I’m researching soul-mates.” I reply shortly, too immersed in my work to focus on any else. 

All of a sudden, my chair is being pulled back and away from the computer. “Dad- wait- no- what are you-” When he turns the chair to face him, he sits on my bed with a faint smile. “Why don’t you ask your old man instead of some stupid website?” I can’t help but look at him in shock, jaw to the floor as I gape at him. “Wait, you mean they’re real? Soul-mates are real?” He shook his head, laughing before picking up the picture of my mom and him that sat atop my nighttime dresser. “How do you think I met your mother?” Dad looks down at the photo with such light and love in his eyes, I’m taken back by the simple yet delicate moment. I shut up fast, wanting for him to continue. “How did you know she was your soul-mate?” He glanced up at me with a small blush before looking back at the photo, confessing. 

“It all started when I was around your age. I had gotten out of a really rough relationship with this girl who I was certain to be my soul-mate, only to find out that she had been seeing hers behind my back. In all honesty, I couldn’t really be mad. The cheating was bad but they were soul-mates, didn’t make up for the pain though. But I was so heartbroken, I didn’t leave my house for nearly two weeks. And then at the two week mark, my mood completely changed. I was overjoyed and happier than I’d ever been. Except, I had no reason be. My heart had been completely broken but for some reason, I felt fine, more than fine. It was as if everything around me changed, and all I could see were the positives. It was the most angelic feeling in the whole world, nearly indescribable. Not long after, a few days I think, I met her, your mother. And from that day forth, they were the best moments of my life.”

When he’s done talking, my heart hurts with happy thoughts of my father and my mother, hoping, praying, that someday I will have what they had. It surely explained the feelings I’d been getting but I’ve spent too much of my life getting my hopes up, only to be let down, so I don’t. “How did you know it was her for sure?” I can’t help but ask. He looks from me and then down to the picture again before replying. “Soul-mates share emotions. Once I laid eyes on her, for a split second, everything around me went silent. It was as if my heart was finally whole, and I could breath once more. It’s hard to describe but, you just know.” 

Your P.O.V

I have to take a knee to withhold this brand new feeling. My heart is filled up to the brim with love and hope, so much of it I could barely breathe. It wasn’t a bad feeling, actually it was far from it. I can’t stop smiling and I know it’s not because of the acceptance letter. That flame has died and I’ve made peace with it. This, this is something entirely new. Maybe Dakota was right? This could actually be some weird soul-mate thing? I cave in and go to the internet for some answers, scanning and searching through every article that I could possibly get my hands on. Soul-mates Share Emotions: The Literal Bond of Love. One article reads. I can’t help but click on it, fascinated by the title alone. 

“Studies have shown that soul-mates are becoming prominent now, more than ever before! Participants within the study have described their experience as sharing emotions, some of those people changing so drastically that the other’s mood adjusts in the same fashion until the day the two meet. On average, soul-mates will meet within the year their emotions start to inter-mix. If you are looking to find how or when you know whom your soul-mate is, participants have described the feeling as being noiseless and ethereal. That when their eyes meet, time almost freezes and they just knew in their hearts that that person was their soul-mate. Wanna learn more? Click for more!” 

I get out of the tab and lock down the computer. That night I can’t sleep, still bubbly from- well, I don’t really know why I’m so giddy. I’m not saying this is the case, but it very well could be my soul-mate. I hope he’s okay and in a good mood. Lord knows I wouldn’t have wanted to feel what he felt, but evidently I did. But right now, I’m happy to be sharing emotions with him. It’s almost calming and warm to sense what he’s feeling right now. Whatever happened or whomever he spoke to, definitely changed something within him, and maybe within me, too. That soul-mate thing didn’t sound as crazy as I’ve made it out to be. Whether that is my own thought or not, I found myself growing giddy at the thought of finally meeting him, or whomever he was. 

Stiles P.O.V

Caffeine wasn’t exactly what I needed right now, especially considering the fact that I’m wide awake. Something about today just felt right, and it wasn’t because of what my dad and I talked about last night. Glancing around the small, dimly lit cafe, I can’t help but smile at the warm scent that’s greeted my nostrils. It’s too early for a lot of people to be here and I like it that way. I don’t come in here often to notice its beauty and simplicity but that doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate it. I’m not even fully inside before a new feeling washes over me, except, it’s not much of a feeling. It’s nearly impossible to decipher, I don’t even think it’s an emotion at all. I can’t quite put my finger on it until the room grows suspiciously quiet. I can’t hear the obnoxiously loud late machines churning or gurgling to life. 

Nor can I hear the shuffling of boots or orders, names being thrown left and right despite the time of day. It’s completely still, no birds, no noise. It’s so serene. I’m meeting her. This is it. And just like my dad said, I look around the almost barren cafe until I meet her gaze. She’s already looking at me and I feel like my heart’s going to explode out of my chest. My pops was right. She looks absolutely breathing, straight up ethereal, like an angel fallen from heaven. When I look into her deep (y/e/c)’s, they’re the only thing I see. My heart feels warm and whole and beating a thousand miles a minute. “Hi..” I manage to say despite my obvious shock. She smiles, a single tear escaping from her right eye. Instinctively, I wipe the tear away, resting my hand comfortably on her cheek. 

“Hi.. I’m (Y/n).. Your soul-mate..” She says softly. I’m so overwhelmed by emotion that tears escape from my eyes, wrapping my hands in her face, I can’t help but say sweetly. “You’re my soul-mate.. I have a soul-mate.. Oh my god.. I’m the luckiest man alive..” (Y/n) giggles again and I swear she sounds like an angel sent from heaven above. “And I’m Stiles.. Your soul-mate..” When she looks at me, her eyes gleam under the sun that peaked through the cafe windows. “Well Stiles,-” (Y/n) says smoothly. “How ‘bout you and I get to know one another over some coffee and the newest Star Wars movie. But I’m not gonna lie, I’ve already seen two times.” I can’t help but giggle. God, this woman’s going to be the death of me. “Same. And I would be honored.” Looking back at her, my dad was right. Linked emotion gone but love filled my soul. 

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