#and while that could be true... i just think that its because sydney is the iconic chant that every swiftie knows

[bitchthefuck1]

you know what, I actually will talk about this because it's bothering me. The issue with focussing so heavily on syd and carmy's potential for a romantic relationship isn't that there's something inherently unintellectual about romance or whatever, it's that a lot of people seem incapable of doing that without immediately flattening the story and ignoring or intentionally misreading any and all nuance for the sake of that romance. Every scene suddenly becomes about how it impacts their relationship, every analysis is done through a romantic lens, every frame or line of dialogue becomes about finding some easter egg or hint that "proves" these people should start dating. Their dynamic is absolutely a fundamental part of this show, but if you can only see it as a will-they-won't-they, you miss so much of what the story is actually trying to say with these two.

There are good versions of this story where their relationship is romantic and there are good versions of this story where it isn't, but as soon as you decide them being together is "the point," you lose the ability to actually judge the story for what it is, not what you want it to be.

[vogelmeister]

also my opinion is, the blank space loop is only ever going to work in sydney. i think sydney swifties are quite proud of it and for the most part everyone is on the same page so its a lot more cohesive. sydney has just become so ingrained in swiftie consciousness in other cities its not the same.

[msheadcannons]

first meet

klara buhl x reader headcannons

in 2023, your country played germany in the friendlies before the world cup took place in australia.

this wasn't your match, which scared you.

too many missed tackles (one of which you received a yellow card for kicking nicole anyomi in her right calf), and a missed shot you took from outside the box.

at halftime, your country had the lead with 3-1 but you wanted this match to be over so you could pack your bags for australia.

after the match was over, the score being 3-2 for your country-- you sat on the grass and got deep into your head.

putting your hands over your eyes, with your elbows resting on your elevated legs and knees, you thought to yourself--

what can I improve on before australia? what went wrong during this game? did I drink enough water? do I need to practice on my free kicks more?

after answering those questions in your head, you rubbed your eyes before taking your hands off of them.

the first thing you saw was a pair of bright orange cleats.

looking up, you saw klara buhl, a winger on the german national team.

"hey, are you alright?"

she asks nicely. you've never talked to her before, but everyone heard the rumors about you moving to bayern after the World Cup is finished.

you can't confirm or deny that to anyone

you nodded your head at klara.

"I am, sorry. I didn't feel the best today." you sighed as you push yourself off of the grass.

you're standing in front of klara now.

"I thought you did great. you stopped me from scoring before extra time." klara said.

"yeah, sorry about that."

"you did your job, no worries."

"whew!" you joked which caused a laugh to come out from klara.

klara places her hands gently on the bottom hem of her kit as you looked down at your navy blue cleats for a second,

"so-- I came here to ask if we can swap shirts? its okay if you've already promis-"

"we can trade shirts! its no problem. in fact, I've never traded shirts with a german before." you randomly comment.

"oh really?"

"yes really!"

at this point, the both of you already took your kits off for the other to put on.

"well consider yourself lucky because once you're at bayern we can--"

klara cuts herself off when your eyes widened at her mention of bayern.

"wait! I'm sorry I didn't mean to assume if you're coming to bayern."

"its fine! don't tell anybody yet but I am signed with bayern. it won't be announced until after the world cup though."

you stand with your hands relaxed on your hips as klara stands just two feet in front of you, laughing at herself for a silly mistake for talking to someone she finds attractive.

"honestly, i came over here just to see if the rumors are true about you become our next teammate."

"our?"

"sydney wanted to know to!"

klara turns around and you look over her shoulder to see Sydney sitting with laura, watching you and klara talk while waving at you.

you waved back with a giggle.

"well its good that you're so friendly, you might be my new favorite teammate now."

klara blushes

"oh stop! we played against you when we faced benfica and thought that you were amazing, even thought we hated it at the time."

"well I hope you think I am amazing when I get to bayern, of course not as amazing as you."

[undead-moth]

hi I loved your last post ! :) could you make a similar post about why you think Sydney is good for Carmy? I like your takes

Hi. Thanks for asking. Took me a while to respond because I had to think.

1. The single most important thing that I think makes Syd good for Carmy is that Sydney is the embodiment of what Carmy needs to be. Sydney is passionate about cooking, but it goes even beyond that. She enjoys cooking. She enjoys the culture of these prestigious restaurants. She thinks Carmy's chef jacket is cool, she's enamored by where he's trained and worked. All of it means so much to her. She's curious, she's excited, she's inspired - everything Carmy has lost sight of, and maybe never truly had to the extent that Syd does. Carmy in part became a chef to compete with Michael, to show Michael up, to be the best at Michael's thing. This means that this chef world was kind of tainted for Carmy from the very beginning, but then on top of that, he went through hell in the process of becoming the chef he is today.

It's obvious from flashbacks, especially this season, that there was at least a period of time where Carmy had the passion, the curiosity, the inspiration Syd has, but for Carmy it has never been innate. He is just someone who happens to be a gifted chef - it's not necessarily his calling the way it's clearly Syd's calling, and in order for him to run his restaurant, and I think in order for him to feel truly fulfilled, it's going to have to become that. Syd will help guide the way.

It's also worth noting that Sydney actually is doing it to nurture people, which is one of the narrative lessons Carmy misses this season. Nonetheless, it's made clear to us that nurturing others is what being a chef is about, and that's clearly what it's about for Sydney. We see this in the episode Omelet, when she cooks for Sugar.

Also, I would say that Sydney hasn't bought into the more toxic aspects of this culture. She isn't, for example, a food snob. She tells Carmy about this roast (I think it was a roast?) she was making for her last client as a caterer, and how this specific client wanted fresh pasta but it didn't work - so she put the roast over King's Hawaiian buns. She also sprinkles Sugar's omelet with Lays potato chips. However high-end she hopes for this restaurant to be, she doesn't specifically worship its high-endness. Carmy on the other hand, in season 3, is over and over scolded for having bought only the most expensive of things. The most expensive butter, the most expensive dishes, the most expensive pans - which, granted, he's trying to get a star, trying to make sure the restaurant actually is high-end, but it nonetheless demonstrates that he's sort of bought into this aspect of the culture, undoubtedly because of the head chef who abused him in New York.

Sydney, I think, challenges certain aspects of the culture for Carmy, the very aspects that have made him the most jaded over the culture. When Sydney brings up the Hawaiian buns or potato chips, Carmy readily says that it sounds good, but based on the note of surprise in his tone, I think it's also not something he would have willingly done himself. I think that's kind of inspiring, for Carmy. He says to Sydney first, "You make me better at this," and it's very true. While I think he makes Sydney a better chef on a physical level, teaching her expertise she hasn't acquired or mastered, she makes him a better chef on a spiritual level.

2. Sydney is also Carmy's rock. The most damning evidence of this is when he's having a panic attack and only once he thinks of her does he calm down. But I think she's consistently his rock throughout the show.

In season 2, Carmy has the, "I don't want to be shitty," conversation with Syd, in which she says, "Don't be shitty then." They laugh, because that's easier said than done, but I kind of think Carmy needs logic like that in his life. He has a tendency to overthink, to make things harder than they need to be, and I think Sydney has this very rational and mellow approach that can give Carmy moments of, "Oh - it's only as hard as I make it." I know in season three, there's a similar moment between him and Syd (I can't remember exactly what he says) and Syd doesn't say anything, but I think that situation is a little different, because in the first situation, it's not things with Sydney he's fucking up, and in the second, it is. I think Sydney has a hard time telling Carmy how she feels, but I also think she was feeling like she shouldn't have to be the one comforting him in that situation, and that's fair. My point is, it wasn't because she wouldn't have been able to provide the same level-headed reassurance if that had been appropriate at that time.

I think Carmy can rely on Syd to keep her head on her shoulders at times when Carmy definitely can't. She was the person holding the restaurant together in season 3, more than anyone else. When Carmy gets out of being locked in the freezer, it's Syd who tells him he needs to apologize to Richie, while the others bring up Claire. But Syd understands that between Richie and Claire, Richie is more important for Carmy to make up with. It's not about who Carmy wronged worse, it's about who matters more to him. Richie has always been in his life, he's like a brother to Carmy, whereas Claire is a girlfriend of a few weeks. Sydney understands this innately, and keeps Carmy on track, focused on what matters most.

3. Sydney never gives up on Carmy, but still holds him accountable. I think this is one important way that Sydney differs from Claire. Carmy and Claire never had any problems once they established that they were a thing - but the first time Claire bears witness to how Carmy's trauma affects him, it's over. I know that's not all on Claire, but the point is, I don't think they would have ever lasted, because Claire can't do the same balancing act that Sydney does.

Throughout the show, Sydney and Carmy get into minor arguments, and they talk through them, apologize to each other, explain their feelings. Carmy blows Sydney off once and it's not something that means the end of their partnership. In the first season, Sydney leaves The Bear because of Carmy's behavior - but when she receives a genuine apology, she gives him another chance. This season Carmy fucked up over and over - and while I've already said a couple of times now that I don't think his fuckups were unforgiveable, nor exceptionally awful, no one would blame Sydney if she left, and she hasn't yet. She might in the future, but if she does, it will only be after giving Carmy many chances, and a long time to change his behavior - and once again, I don't think it will be irreparable even if she does leave. I don't think Carmy will feel like it's impossible to even face Sydney again, like he does with Claire. Sydney has what it takes to weather Carmy's storms.

4. This last one is kind of the inverse of "Carmy knows how to apologize," and that's, "Sydney holds Carmy accountable." I've mentioned before that I think part of the problem with Carmy and Claire's relationship was that it was unbalanced. Claire never had her own needs, her own problems, her own flaws, her own fuckups, her own anything else that Carmy was expected to pay attention to and take into consideration. They never fought, but that was mainly because Claire was agreeable. Healthy relationships don't really work like this.

Sydney, on the other hand, has always demanded Carmy's respect. This season, she struggled to communicate with Carmy, in part because of how Carmy was behaving, but as I said before, I don't think it was entirely about an inability to talk to him. I think it was in part her understanding that some things weren't her responsibility, or that Carmy was doing things he should know better than to do. She was waiting for her apology, which I think is another way she makes it clear she expects to be respected. Previously, when she and Carmy were less tense, she was able to communicate her needs. She tells Carmy that she needs to be called before they decide to destroy walls, and later in the season she expresses her frustration with the idea that Claire may have contributed to their menu. Granted, I think part of the point of both of these interactions is that Syd isn't entirely in the right, but either way, she tells Carmy how she feels, and what she expects him to do about it, and what she expects is not unreasonable.

She also doesn't let Carmy blame anybody else for something he did. Toward the end of season 2, there's a scene where Carmy is yelling at the kitchen staff because there were pans placed on the left shelf, and they should be on the right, because everyone is right-handed. Sydney immediately points out to Carmy that the reason they're on the left is because of something he made happen (I can't remember what it was, but basically, it was Carmy's fault).

She also doesn't let him apologize for things that aren't his fault. He tries to apologize to her for not knowing that her mom died, and Sydney tells him right away that it isn't his fault. A couple of times when they're talking through some spat they got into, she says something to the affect that it wasn't his fault, or all his fault. She's very balancing in this way. Carmy can't shrug off his own mistakes on to others, but he also can't wallow in guilt over things that aren't his fault. Because of Carmy's trauma, he isn't really capable of taking an honest look at himself, and he can oscillate wildly in either the direction of self-hate or self-righteousness - but Syd centers him, and humbles him, and that's healthy for him even if it's something that is also difficult.

So, these are my thoughts! I really do think they're very good for each other, without being so perfect for each other that it feels like it couldn't ever happen in real life. I really admire how realistically flawed they both are, and how with each their flaws aren't arbitrary or without reason. Some of the most well-written characters I've ever seen, and I think SydCarmy has the potential to be one the best romances I've ever seen too. Anyway, thanks again for asking!

[lalal-99]

of being true {l.f.} | track 5

©June 2023, April 2024 by lalal-99

Lee Felix x Jung Wooyoung | trope: strangers to lovers | word count: 9.2k

Synopsis: The one that's about Felix and other pretty people.

Check Chapter Overview for complete list of warnings

Smut tags: explicit content | porn with plot | first time with the same gender | oral (m. rec.) | body worshipping | teasing | anal sex | top/sub dynamics | top!felix | Felix is whipped | sex under the influence (they're not wasted but definitely tipsy) | soft sex | nothing too spicy, honestly, but so, sooo many emotions

Note: This is an interim chapter. You don't need to read this chapter to understand the rest of the main plot. But I advise you do, because it's just so beautiful. Truly one of the best things I have ever written. (Reposting, cause the first upload tanked...)

Tumblr works on a reblog system. Please consider reblogging this post so that it can reach more people. Thank you :)

Please don't flag as mature or repost this story - Thank You

Felix learned he was gay at the tender age of 7. That was if he were completely honest with himself.

It happened on a beautiful Sunday morning in his suburban Sydney home. He had just prepped himself a bowl of fruit loops, clad in his pyjamas with his favourite blanket in hand. That’s how he made himself a home on the sofa, turning on the TV with the volume on low so his parents wouldn’t wake. Switching through channels his parents had forbidden him to watch, he finally landed on Nickelodeon. And that’s when he saw him.

Danny.

Phantom, if that wasn’t clear already.

All the kids at school had talked about the show for weeks, raving over who they thought Danny would end up with. Sam—the sarcastic best friend—or Jazz—the cutesy love interest. Pretty, beautiful and whitty were some of the words his friends referred to them as. Felix needed to see for himself and make up his mind. If not to admire their animated beauty, at least to determine who he preferred.

Needless to say, all intentions went out the window once he saw the underdog protagonist. His hair as black as the night and his eyes as blue as the ocean minutes away from Felix’s house. And that was only the human form of one Danny Fenton. No one could have prepared Felix for the incredible looks of his super-hero alter-ego. His icy grey hair and green eyes were truly something else, and Felix was soon captivated by the fictitious character. A fabricated figure drawn with pencil, but even so the hero of his childhood.

In hindsight, Felix should have known it right then and there.

While his friends argued the show’s female characters, he fantasised protecting Amity Park alongside his idol. Telling him his deepest secrets and hugging him in glee at the end of each episode.

As he was only a child, Felix didn’t think to investigate the intensity of his affection further. He pushed it to the back of his mind. Argued that he didn’t watch the show for its romantic aspects whenever someone asked him about his prefered love interest.

Despite ignoring the nagging thought for all his childhood—oblivious to a deeper meaning behind it—it caught up with him at some point. And that point came in the form of one Cassidy Miller.

Cassidy was one of Felix’s classmates in Year 8. Upon laying eyes on him on the first day of the year, she made it her main plot point to become his girlfriend. During lunch that first day, she chose the seat next to him in the cafeteria, sharing some of her homemade snacks. As a teenage boy amid a growth spurt, he accepted with not another word of persuasion. He didn’t even consider it to be an advance of sorts. Even when his friend high-fived him after the fact, Felix understood it as an act of kindness. Cassidy was trying to make some friends after moving to town weeks prior. Nothing out of the ordinary.

It took him about three weeks of shared snacks every day and a kiss on his cheek to recognise that, yes. A girl had a crush on him. And everything would have been fine. Hadn’t it been for the slight complication that he didn’t feel the same about her. Cassidy was sweet. He would even agree that she was cute with her bunny nose and blonde locks. Conventionally attractive features for a 14-year-old girl.

Before he could break the truth to her, though, she had already introduced him to her parents. Quick, but Felix didn’t get the chance to intervene. He didn’t even know she wanted to introduce them when she asked him to follow her to the parking lot. Let alone introduce him as her boyfriend, much to her father’s dismay.

So, at the fragile age of 14, Felix found himself in a heterosexual relationship with a girl he barely knew but didn’t have the heart to break up with. As though being an unknowing closeted teenager wasn’t enough already.

That relationship, as innocent as it was, lasted 6 months. At most, it consisted of hand-holding and handwritten notes passed during class. Still, it lasted long for a first relationship Felix had no intention of having in the first place.

When Cassidy revealed that her dad had been relocated for the umpteenth time, Felix was even a little sad. She left after only 7 months, thus ending the relationship as it had begun—completely out of his control.

One should think: A closeted gay teen who just came out of a heterosexual relationship he hadn’t intended having? Definitely won’t do that again in the near future.

And that thought was fair. But wrong.

It took around 2 months after Cassidy left when Emily Wilson came into Felix’s life.

Emily was different from Cassidy in many ways. She was one year Felix’s senior, held back a year for grade-related reasons. She had black hair and a sidecut. Eyelids always painted in a thick layer of dark eyeliner which made her look at least two years older than she was. She had a nose ring her parents hadn’t allowed her to get and wore combat boots like part of a religion. Every word leaving her lips was drenched in sarcasm, which drew Felix to her right from the beginning.

It didn’t take Felix more than a few weeks to accept it. If he were to ever have a relationship with another girl, it would be a girl like Emily.

Fortunately for him, she and Cassidy had one thing in common. They were both pretty much obsessed with him from the moment they first laid eyes on him.

Whatever was drawing them to him, Felix decided that what anyone in his position would do, was make a move on Emily. Everyone in his class was obsessing over who was with whom. All his friends went from relationship to relationship in weekly rhythms. So, getting a girlfriend himself was the logical thing to do.

The 1.5 years he spent with Emily were the most fun but excruciating months of his life. Being with someone that long was hard, as much as he loved getting to know every part of her life.

He liked Emily’s parents, and they thought he had a positive influence on their daughter. But they were uber controlling and burst into her room every few minutes to check on them and what they were doing.

He adored Emily’s love for music and art. Every picture she drew for him and every mixtape she made proudly displayed in his room. But, she didn’t allow any opinions on the topics that didn’t correlate with her own. Felix’s love for Pop music? A slap in the face of a proud anti-capitalist. Felix’s one-year-anniversary plans to visit a special exhibition in the museum? Another penny in the pocket of the rich, making them even wealthier.

He fell apart at the touch of Emily’s hands and mouth. Losing his virginity to her left him breathless and in a sweaty sheen for hours. But, as much as he didn’t mind sleeping with her, he couldn’t shake the uncomfortable feeling. She always made the first move. And he was not only lying to himself but to her.

Their relationship was a constant back-and-forth. Liking her while not liking her enough to want a serious future. No matter how hard Felix tried, keeping up the facade became more agonising with every I love you. Eventually, Emily could tell something was eating at her boyfriend. And after 18 unforgettable months together, she finally had enough. She left him with usual harsh words and exhausted tears of relief in his eyes.

Even then, as the doubt and exhaustion finally reached the front lobe of his brain, it took him a couple more years and 3 more relationships to come to terms with reality.

Felix was gay and wouldn’t continue lying to everyone around him.

Well, except for his parents, who, despite living in a modern country, had different values. They weren’t particularly homophobic, though they approached the movement with ignorance. That’s other people. That would never happen to us.

Thankfully, by the time Felix realised he would never be content in a heterosexual relationship, he had already set his eyes on further education abroad. And once he finished High School, he was already packed and ready to head overseas to live as his true self.

Never in a million years had Felix expected to live that true self so early in this new chapter of his life. He had barely set foot onto campus when he bumped into a guy on his way out of the physiology building. Felix almost lost balance but the man grabbed his biceps, delicate fingers steadying him against himself. That’s when he met the guy’s gaze. Beautiful mahogany, surrounded by a sheen of gold eyeliner. Which only made them sparkle even further than Felix was sure they already did. His hair died in layers of blonde and black, ears adorned by so many earrings he couldn’t have counted them. And that cheeky smile on his lips made Felix want to taste him right then and there.

Instead, Felix pulled away, smoothing his t-shirt out as he hugged his bag closer to himself. It gave his hands something to do while hiding the semi he sported. From a short-lived, innocent physical contact, but nonetheless.

“You good?” the guy asked, and Felix nodded, eyes wide as though he had seen a ghost. The man swiped his thumb over his plumb bottom lip with a smirk and a wink as he brushed past Felix. “Next time, keep your eyes on what’s important. Alright, Pretty?”

Pretty. Felix subconsciously nodded at the words as the man rounded the corner with another look back. He remained still for approximately minutes before he shook himself to snap out of it.

And that could have been it. A short, embarrassing moment like he had had so many times before. But that wasn’t Felix’s luck.

God screamed You should see your face at Felix when he entered his Psychology 101 class days later. The same boy stood by the entrance, talking to another guy who looked a little too good in his pink hair.

Felix skimmed past him, feeling the man’s gaze trained on his back as he wordlessly sat between two girls. Anything so he wasn’t exposed to the man’s enticing presence. Making his heart race like that of an untouched virgin.

That’s when Felix diagnosed: He might not be as ready to live his true self as he had thought.

The decision to take his time exploring his identity was easily made. Yet, the pledge lasted only 4 days.

“Hi, man! How’s it going?”

The first thing Felix noticed about the man in front of Jisung was the age difference.

Jisung might have been Felix’s age phsyically, but he usually carried himself with a heightened sense of maturity. His long-term girlfriend definitely was the cause for that, so much the countless dirty jokes had told Felix.

Jackson, on the contrary, had a sense of wiseness to him. He must have made many a experience that still awaited Felix and Jisung. What exactly made Felix feel like that, he couldn’t pinpoint. Although it likely wasn’t the baggy clothing or the Gucci snapback. Jackson must have come from money, was all Felix took away from them. And if it weren’t for Jackson’s clothing, the golden earrings and chain around his neck would have said as much.

“I’m alright. The workload already has me in a chokehold. But I’ll manage,” Jisung joked with his old friend before turning to Felix. “Jackson, this is my roommate, Felix. Felix, Jackson.”

“Nice to meet you!” Jackson greeted him as he pulled him into a bro-hug. The first of many, Felix was sure.

“Likewise.”

“So, already swimming in the workload? If it’s too much already, I wouldn’t advise picking Medicine as a Major. I was studying until the second the first guests arrived. And I will continue the moment the house is empty.”

A future doctor? Jackson? Definitely not what Felix had expected, but he didn’t know the guy. All he could go from was the first impression. He knew better than to judge from that alone.

“I’ll keep that in mind. You should tell Y/N before she suggests I also become a doctor.”

“She’s still not giving up on you picking a Major, huh?”

“I swear it’s everything she talked about the past two months.” Felix looked around the place, trying his hardest to ignore the words coming from his friend. It wasn’t like he knew everything about their relationship, nor was he picking sides in this debate. But hearing Jisung talk behind her back like that? It filled him with slight unease. “I love her, but it’s annoying.”

“You probably don’t want to hear it, but she has a point.”

Again, not what Felix had expected from Jackson. Taking Y/N’s side like that.

“There’s nothing wrong with taking a semester to figure things out, but you’ll have to pick one eventually.” Jackson could tell from Jisung’s expression that this wasn’t what he wanted to hear. “But...” Jackson opened three beer bottles from the sink before handing two of them over to Felix and Jisung. “That’s a conversation for tomorrow. Or next week. Right now, we party.”

“Hell, yeah!” Jisung agreed with a cheer before toasting the other two and downing half his bottle.

Felix took a sip, face scrunching at the bitter aftertaste of the liquid. He had never quite grown accustomed to the flavour of beer, his tastebuds preferring vodka or rum. Anything that mixed well with soft drinks.

While Jackson and Jisung chatted away like two estranged friends (which, for as much as Felix had understood, they were), Felix’s gaze wandered through the doorway into the living room. The house gradually filled with young students—some yet sober, some already intoxicated. Felix started appreciating Jisung by his side, so he didn’t have to approach this situation alone. Even if Jisung, right now, was ignoring his presence for his old friend.

Distracted by the loud music, Felix took a few steps out of the kitchen, when suddenly, he got knocked off his feet. Or at least almost.

He would have planted his face straight into the tiled flooring hadn’t it been for a set of delicate fingers coming to his biceps and steadying him. And if it weren’t already a complete recap of his encounter on the first day, Felix met the same mahogany eyes yet again.

Sweet, sweet irony.

The guy recognised him soon enough, a smirk appearing on his beautiful face. How he could be so enticing and cheeky without saying a word was beyond Felix.

“We have to stop meeting like this.”

Invisible strings drew Felix’s eyes to the man’s face, hanging on the way his lips moved whenever he spoke. He was in total awe of how someone could sound so sweet while having the fucking confidence of a... Well, if Felix had to name it, he would have called it fuckboy. Although, he didn’t want to judge a book by its cover. Even if this particular book was extremely easy on the eyes.

“You good?”

“Huh?”

“I asked you if you were alright.”

“Oh, of course. Yes, I’m good.”

“Good.” And there it was again. That stupid smirk made Felix feel things he didn’t know he had the mental capacity to feel. Emotions he had prayed to feel for Cassidy, Emily, Tina and all the others, he instead felt for some stranger the second he laid eyes on him. Like a complete loser. “You’re Felix, right?”

Eyebrows raising at the sound of his name from the stranger’s mouth, Felix swallowed thickly. “Yes. How do you know?”

“We have Psychology 101 together.” The first non-flirtatious words coming from the man, though that didn’t last long. “And I always remember the pretty faces.”

Pretty. That word, again, made Felix’s stomach churn and his pants tighten. Internally, he scolded himself for being so new to this that the simple compliment could affect him like this.

“I’m—You—Erm—” Felix stumbled over his thoughts pathetically. The stranger’s eyes kept running over all Felix’s features and he was very aware of it. He must have thought Felix was an utter basket-case. If he wanted to keep the last bit of pride, he had to get it together. Quick. “What’s your name?”

“Ouch,” the guy said as he placed his hand over a heart in mock hurt. “And here I hoped you had paid as much attention to me as I did you.”

What now? He had paid attention to Felix? When? How long? And why? Was this all part of a play, or was he kidding? Felix didn’t know what to think.

“I—I’m sorry.”

“No worries. I’m messing with you.” A breath of relief escaped Felix’s lips as he hoped the guy didn’t notice. “I’m Wooyoung. Nice to make your acquaintance.”

“You, too,” Felix replied with the first smile in approximately hours.

“So, Felix. Now that I saved your life twice, what do you say we have a drink? It’s on me.”

Felix laughed at the joke as he pushed a strand of his blonde hair behind his ear.

“I already have one,” Felix explained, holding up the beer towards Wooyoung.

“Beer? You’re one of those guys?” Wooyoung asked with a sarcastic undertone, making Felix blush as he eyed the brown bottle.

“Actually, no. I never liked beer.” Placing the almost full bottle on the counter, he let Wooyoung guide him around the counter. A display of countless different liquors met them in a broad array.

“What’s your poison? Vodka? Gin?” Wooyoung questioned as he grabbed two red cups from the stack.

“Rum, actually.” The slight smile on Wooyoung flustered Felix as he hoped he hadn’t somehow made a fool of himself. Again. “What?”

“Nothing,” Wooyoung shrugged as he filled the two cups with a quarter rum before topping them off with coke. “I just know how to pick ‘em.” Felix didn’t know what he was hinting at, so he only smiled once Wooyoung handed him his drink. “To new acquaintances.”

“Yes. Acquaintances.”

With that, they toasted and took a sip each. The mixture of Captain Morgan and Coke gave Felix a sweet aftertaste. Much more comfortable than the beer had done, and he returned the smile Wooyoung sent him.

This whole situation was rather new to Felix. He had never been to a party like this. Single, that was. He never had the chance to meet someone on the go in a similar situation, and that reality filled him with unease. Despite having only met the guy, Felix wanted Wooyoung to like him. Whether that was a like in the we’ll become good friends sense or the give me all of you kinda way.

For a moment, Felix felt he was getting ahead of himself. He had met Wooyoung a few minutes ago. For all he knew, being flirtatious could have been engraved in his personality. Felix had arrived at campus mere days ago and even pledged to ease himself into this new, true identity. He definitely shouldn’t rush it.

As fast as he remembered that pledge he had taken, the memory evaporated. Wooyoung’s hand touched his hip, pulling him slightly closer, in front of everyone. Including his roommate and Jackson—two people he had no idea how they’d react to finding out his deepest secret. A secret he had never told anyone, on top of that.

“So, Felix—” Looking around the room, Felix soon realised that Jisung had left, and so had Jackson. A bunch of random people were running around, albeit ignoring the two guys in the corner, throwing googly eyes at each other. That realisation relaxed him almost entirely. “What’s your deal?”

Felix’s eyes met Wooyoung’s lips as he licked his own, a little nervous in the presence of someone so beautiful still. “What do you mean?”

“Are you, like, single? Hetero? Better tell me now before I fall for another straight guy.”

For someone so—unfamiliar, Felix felt himself drawn to anything Wooyoung did. Much more than he ever had with any of his ex-girlfriends. Sure, Felix was nervous around him, his hands shaking so heavily, he feared he’d spill his drink on the guy. At least some blame laid on his inexperience, blood rushing through his system like it was racing against itself. How was Wooyoung so self-assured and head-on anyways?

“I don’t know what to say.”

That was the truth. Felix had no idea how to answer such a straightforward question. Especially since he hadn’t said the words I am gay out loud, ever. Not even to himself. Expressing his personality to a stranger, out of all people, felt so out of place for him. Although he couldn’t deny the unmistakable magnetism pulling him towards Wooyoung.

“That’s okay. Because I know.”

The fingers at Felix’s hips dug into his flesh a little fiercer as Wooyoung closed in, breath hitting Felix’s cheek. Everything around him slowed in motion as his gaze switched from Wooyoung’s eyes to his lips, unsure of what to do or how to act. Would this be his first kiss with a man? With a stranger? In front of all these people? Tipsy from two unfinished drinks and Wooyoung’s presence alone?

“You do?” It took him a few seconds to finally reply, the tension becoming too much, too fast. “Maybe you can tell me. Because I have no fucking idea.”

Wooyoung laughed out loud at his words; a hearty laugh which sounded much like heaven to Felix. Some of the tension vanished as he took another deep breath and a long sip from his drink.

“And he’s funny, too. Damn, I really do know how to pick ‘em.”

The words made Felix blush as he averted his gaze towards the floor.

“I tell you what,” Wooyoung retracted his hands as his softening gaze met Felix’s anxious one. He must have noticed Felix’s unsure aura, torn between wanting to experience whatever Wooyoung had in mind and taking it slow. Felix had never been this happy about his expressional features. “How about you figure out what your deal is first? And when you do, come find me.”

As much as those words took the pressure off, Felix couldn’t deny the hint of disappointment pulling at his mood. He wanted to try and get him to close the proximity again, feeling cold after Wooyoung had pulled away. Sneakers screeching against the tiles soon captured their attention, rendering the moment gone. Felix recognised the owner as the same guy Wooyoung had been sitting next to in class. How could he have forgotten the bright pink hair and features as sharp as a fox’s?

“Dude, you gotta come watch this,” the guy exclaimed as he came over, dragging Wooyoung away by his hand. “Mingi is trying to do a keg-stand. It’s fucking hilarious. Like a giraffe trying to… well, do a kegstand.”

“No way!” With one last wink that made Felix’s knees weak, Wooyoung ran after his friend and out of Felix’s vision. It took him a few desperate moments to steady himself, hands still trembling from the adrenaline coursing through his veins.

Felix turned around, one, to tighten his grip around the counter and regain his balance, and two, conceal the boner which his pants did nothing to hide. His mind kept racing back to the proximity, the touches. The flirtatious words of a guy he barely knew but, at the same time, felt like he wanted to know everything about. The distance allowed him to realised how fast everything had played out. And while he feared it had happened all too fast, he couldn’t help but want to skip forward even further.

Perhaps, it was that he was desperate to finally get a taste of what he had denied himself for years. Crushes, love, passion. Everything his girlfriends had felt, but he never quite managed to. Making mistakes and gaining experience. Anything eventually leading him to alwaysness. With whomever that might be.

Although, right now, he wanted to have a sense of it with one particular person.

Two excruciating hours later, Felix found himself in the living area of the frat house. He had thought back to the moment in the kitchen so many times he could hardly count them. Not to mention how often he had gotten semi-hard thinking about Wooyoung’s breath against his cheek. His hands on his hips. And his words in his ear.

How about you figure out what your deal is first? And when you do, come find me.

But what if there was nothing to figure out? What if Felix already knew what he wanted and what his deal was? What if the only thing keeping him from acting on it was his inexperience?

All those what if’s jogging through Felix’s brain didn’t change anything. All he wanted—truly wanted at the moment—was to drag Wooyoung into the nearest closet and make him feel good. Have Wooyoung make him feel good. Whatever the guy was up for, honestly. Felix had spent the better part of two decades pretending to be someone he wasn’t. Now that he had a fresh start, he desired to finally be his true self.

It took him not 20 minutes longer until he decided that enough was enough.

Y/N, Yuqi and Changbin had left a while ago to play Truth or Drink in the kitchen, leaving Felix with a group of random boys. Sure, it was a group of boys he considered his closest friends on campus, but right now, they appeared so boring. Especially with a much more intriguing person, throwing him suggestive winks from the other end of the room.

How he had even noticed Wooyoung in the sea of drunk students was beyond him. Though Felix had no brain capacity left for the whys and hows. Wooyoung was sipping on his drink, playing with the straw about as suggestively as Felix had seen anyone do. Biting at the short fingernail of his pinky, Felix already felt the excitement nagging at his gut. The combination of clothes, alcohol and arousal ran him so very hot.

Wooyoung’s pink-haired friend didn’t notice he wasn’t paying him the slightest hint of attention. How ever important their conversation was, Felix couldn’t bring himself to care. This whole back and forth went on for a few minutes when Felix finally couldn’t take it anymore.

Without a word to his friends he got up from his seat, eyes drawn to the beautiful tempter at the other side of the room. Once Wooyoung recognised the intention behind Felix’s approach, he left his friend for the stairs.

The sway in his hips had Felix’s whole attention as he followed him upstairs, always a few steps behind to not alert the surrounding couples. As though they weren’t completely immersed in their make-outs and other grindings.

Once at the upper end of the staircase, Felix looked around to find the hallway empty. Someone must have ensured the private rooms remained private, and usually, this would have been the end of his path. Though the confidence in Wooyoung’s step encouraged Felix to push that to the deepest part of his brain.

His movements stayed cautious until he reached the end of the hall, entering the last room on the left. Felix took a deep breath as he closed the door and turned around. Not a second went by until he noticed the man on one of the two beds, drink long forgotten on one of the desks.

“Hi.” With no hint of pressure in his voice, Wooyoung watched Felix fidgeting by the door.

“Hi.”

Silence took over the room as Felix realised why Wooyoung wasn’t being his usual flirty self. Understanding how he had some reservations still, he left every decision up to Felix. It gave him a sense of security, understanding that if he didn’t want anything to happen, nothing would. Even if they were on their own in a small room, veiled in tension thick enough to cut with a spoon.

With that sense of total security in mind, Felix took a shaky step forward.

“So—” His voice broke as he regretted not bringing his drink. He felt the deep desire for something to cool his system, easing the lump in his throat. “I figured out what my deal is. And I’m coming to you, like you said.”

“Good.” The smile on Wooyoung’s face was as non-suggestive as he had ever seen, further soothing his tense body. “Do you mind sharing with me?”

“No. I will.” Taking another deep breath, Felix looked to the ceiling as he brought his hand to his stiff shoulders.

This was the moment. Felix would say the words out loud for the first time. Reality would hit, and there would be no escaping it anymore.

Fortunately, Felix didn’t want to run from it any longer.

“I’m single. And, I’m—”

Say it! He won’t judge. Just spit it out!

“I’m gay.”

“Okay.”

Okay. Okay? Despite the simplicity of the word, pure relief overcame Felix, body slumping as exhaustion blurred his vision. He was gay, and it was okay.

The next breath through a watery veil of happiness and alleviation felt like the first one he had ever taken.

“Oh my God, did I say something wrong?” Wooyoung hurried over to Felix’s trembling body as he wrapped his protective arms around him. Felix’s hands clung to the man’s shirt, face pressed into the crook of his neck as he let himself be held. Nothing more. Just held and accepted.

“No. Nothing wrong.” The whispered words reached Wooyoung’s ear within milliseconds. “All the right words. But—”

He stopped, pondering for a few seconds whether to confide in someone he hardly knew. A man who had nothing but shamelessly flirted with him for all 20 minutes of aggregated conversation. But he was here right now. And Felix needed to let him know how much he had already done for him.

Also, he was bawling into the guy’s shirt. It could hardly get much more intimate than this, anyways.

“I never said it out loud.”

“Oh… Oh!”

The realisation hit Wooyoung like a bus as he further fastened his comforting grip on Felix. It all made sense to him now. The insecurity. The uncomfortable tension whenever he said anything below the belt. The silence following the question of what his deal was. And here Wooyoung was, thinking he was yet again barking up the wrong tree. As it turned out, he had finally found the right tree, though it hadn’t bloomed yet.

“Fuck. I’m sorry I came on so strong. It just… I thought you were cute, but then I wasn’t so sure if you felt the same way. I assumed you might be one of those straight guys who aren’t so straight after a few drinks. So, I went all in to skip all that will-they-won’t-they crap. Wouldn’t have been the first time I was utterly disappointed at the end of the day.”

He had only tried to feel Felix out and learn if he himself could get hurt. Evidently, neither of them was trying nor intending to play games with the other.

“You didn’t come on too strong. I mean, you kinda did. But I liked it.”

As they drew away from each other, light laughter filled the room. Wooyoung’s arms were still circled around Felix’s waist as they stared into each other’s eyes. Their smiles soon faded as they recognised their proximity. When Wooyoung’s hands reclaimed their position on his hip, Felix’s stomach erupted in sheer excitement. The sentimentality of the moment was ultimately broken by his arousal.

“You like this, too. I can feel it,” Wooyoung pointed out with a smile as he squeezed Felix’s sides once, making him jump a little. “Knew it.”

“Fine. I like it.”

“So, you never told anyone you’re gay. Does that mean you just found out yourself? Or did you always know on some level and try to fit into a pair of shoes that weren’t yours?”

“A little of both. Like, I used to crush on Danny Phantom so hard it surprises me my parents never caught on. But then again, I had many girlfriends in Middle and High School.”

Wooyoung explored Felix’s cheeks and nose where freckles decorated him in beautiful patterns.

“You’ve never been with a guy then?”

Felix shook his head as his gaze met Wooyoung’s inviting, plump lips. In his subconscious, he grazed his teeth against them, the intimacy of the moment turning the corners of his mouth upwards. The closer Felix got to him, the sexier he found him to be.

“But you want to be?”

This time, Felix nodded. Never had he been more sure than while looking at the most beautiful man he had ever seen. So close he could almost taste him. And if that wasn’t sign enough already, the prominent tent in his pants at the simple touch of his hips assured him.

He wanted Wooyoung, more than he had ever wanted anyone else.

“I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything more.”

“That’s good. I can work with that.”

Leaning in their eyes met as Felix took in what was happening. Like the romance novel moment he had always dreamed of, seconds turned minutes, and moments turned into a lifeline. And then, finally, after hours of distant pining, Wooyoung closed the gap between them.

Now, Felix had kissed many people before. Cassidy, at 14, under the old cherry tree in his backyard while reading his favourite anime. Emily at 15 in more places than he could remember. And many others since. Girls, exclusively.

Though right now, as he tasted Wooyoung for the first time it finally dawned on him. The sweetness of his scent, the rum on his lips and the coke in his breath. This was what a kiss should feel like. This was what desire was supposed to feel like.

They deepened the kiss, tongues brushing lips, and Felix reached for Wooyoung’s neck. He ran his hands through the man’s hair, mouths moving in unison as silent whimpers escaped his lips. When Wooyoung pulled away, it was to catch his breath while also searching for a hint of regret in Felix’s features. When he couldn’t find anything but lust, he smirked, reconnecting his lips to the other’s.

Hands clawed at and bodies moved against one another as desperate whines filled the room. Mainly Felix’s, but who could blame him? Every single one of Wooyoung’s movements was the perfect calculation. He knew through and through what he was doing. Wooyoung clawed at Felix, pulling him into his body and providing his aching erection with much-needed friction. Semi-aroused for the better part of the evening, finally, he got relief from the discomfort.

Pulling Felix’s hair and tipping his head back, Wooyoung’s lips moved to the side of his neck. All the while, Felix kept his hands in Wooyoung’s hair, pulling him even closer and not letting him go.

“Fuck…” Felix slurred when the other sucked at his skin, trying to mark him for later. In the past, he hated having hickeys on his neck. Others knowing he had made out with his girlfriend had always made him uncomfortable. With Wooyoung, he couldn’t deny that he loved the thought of people knowing he belonged to someone. Or at least had done so for a brief moment in time.

Wooyoung’s hands fisted Felix’s shirt as he inched it up before checking in with the blonde, “Is this okay?”

“Yes. Please, take it off already.”

“Getting hot?” Wooyoung asked with a smirk, getting his answer once Felix nodded with a thick swallow. “Good.”

Once the fabric landed on the floor, Wooyoung lingered to take in the view. He had expected many things from the closeted nerdy boy, but not this. Not a full-on six-pack, tensing as he let his fingertips wander over his hot skin.

“Damn. Who would have thought?” The thoughts leaving Wooyoung’s brain without a filter made Felix blush. It was one thing, hearing how well-built he was from someone else. But someone he deemed the hottest person he had ever laid eyes on? That did something to him alright. And when Wooyoung leaned down to let his perky tongue run over the bulges, that did a whole other thing to him.

“Fuck… More, please.”

“Patience. I have a lot more to give you,” Wooyoung told him with a smirk as he pushed Felix onto the mattress and sank to his knees. This view was heavenly, straight out of a porno, and Felix felt like he was dreaming again. The whole situation was surreal.

Looking up at the blond, Wooyoung pulled him down for another kiss before focusing on his pecs. He took his sweet time worshipping Felix’s chest, his nipples and abs. Electric shocks rushed straight through Felix’s spine towards the top of his head. Wooyoung couldn’t get enough, spending a few extra seconds kissing his abdominal muscles until a layer of spit and sweat covered them.

“Please…” The silent prayer escaped Felix like a mantra. He’d come in his pants if Wooyoung didn’t do something soon and that was definitely not how he wanted this first time to end. Bad enough his first first time (a few years ago with Emily in the backseat of his father’s Toyota) had ended that way. Another taste of that embarrassment would have been too much to overcome.

“You think you’re ready for this?”

“I was born ready. Just— do something, please.”

“Oh, I’ll be doing much more than just something.”

Wooyoung opened Felix’s pants, dragging them over his thighs and towards the floor. Once the jeans had gone, Felix noticed he was almost entirely naked while Wooyoung was far from it. Without a second thought, he pulled the man’s shirt up, and over his head. To even it out, if you will. Now, not only their bodies but their pure skin was connecting. No restraints, no barriers. Only the two of them.

“I’m gonna go slow, okay? Let me know if you want me to do something different.”

As sweet as Felix identified the assurance to be, it was much unneeded. The second Wooyoung pulled him out of his briefs—tip red and leaking—he licked a thick stripe up the underside. That’s when Felix knew this would be excruciating in the best way immaginable.

Wooyoung worked him with so much knowledge and understanding of the male anatomy. It felt like he was inside Felix’s body, metaphorically. He knew exactly where to lick, where to suck and how to work him so he would fall apart below him. Felix’s eyes stayed glued to the beauty, watching him suck on his length and take him down his throat. As though he had never done anything else.

The past blowjobs Felix had received—which there were quite a few, thanks to his charming personality and sweet looks—had been good. He couldn’t lie that he had enjoyed every one of them, though it had never been this mind-numbing. Wooyoung had a technique to his movements only someone with a dick could come up with. Someone who had experienced many a blowjob first-hand— Felix was sure of that.

Spit slid down his length as Wooyoung navigated him deeper with each thrust, hands pumping what he couldn’t fit. His eyes filled with utter and total lust, gazes meeting when he looked up at Felix with a blurriness to his vision. It was a sight Felix had never seen—so pretty and feral. Enough to make him burst on the spot.

However, he couldn’t let that happen.

Felix’s hand on Wooyoung’s cheek urged him to let him fall from his mouth, cock glistening in a beautiful glow. He leaned down and connected their mouths as he tasted himself on Wooyoung’s tongue. Never had he tasted so delicious.

“Good?” Wooyoung asked as though he hadn’t made Felix see stars. Right now, he wasn’t sure he could ever feel as good again.

“So, so good.”

They shared a short moment of silence while Felix scooted back on the bed until he reached the headboard. Wooyoung situated himself above Felix’s lap as they continued their heated make-out session.

Felix admired Wooyoung’s broad chest and sculptured pecs while he planted wet kisses against his jaw. With as much confidence as Wooyoung presented, Felix wasn’t surprised his beauty continued past his face. Although he was still in awe of the perfect piece of art that was Wooyoung’s body. So chiselled, so muscular, so masculine. A dream come true in the most literal sense.

Delicate fingers ran over Felix’s stomach and snapped him out of his daydream. His abs tightened when he felt Wooyoung reach back and wrap his digits around his length.

“Oh, God.” Wooyoung seemed to enjoy the teasing too much, a triumphant grin on his features at the heightened reactivity in Felix’s expression. “Please. I— God.”

The grunt leaving Felix was nothing short of animalistic as Wooyoung’s thumbed over the head.

“You were saying?”

“I need you. Please.”

Bringing his hands back to his front, Wooyoung ended every direct skin contact to Felix. The loss of the physical component refocused all their senses while the fog in their brains lifted a little.

“You sure you want your first time to be drunk at a frat party?”

Felix appreciated Wooyoung’s caution, heart swelling as he wondered how he had deserved someone so considerate. A stranger, yes, but the most respectful one. However, this was hardly his first time. His body count filled all of one five-fingered hand. And even though this felt different, he was well aware of the vulnerability he exposed himself to.

“First of all, I’m not that drunk. See?” Felix straightened up as he positioned his pointer fingers at the corners of his peripheral vision. Bringing them together to touch right before his nose, he proofed his hypothesis. Much to Wooyoung’s amusement, who giggled at the adorable action. “Second, this isn’t my first time. I’ve done this before. With girls, yes. But I know what I’m getting myself into. And third, I really fucking want you to fuck me. Like yesterday.”

Opening up to Wooyoung seemed so easy after he had literally sucked his cock mere moments earlier. The guy’s sweet personality made it much easier for Felix to voice his wishes. He was sure about this.

Apparently, Wooyoung understood so much.

“Okay. But only under one condition.” Wooyoung’s fingers ran between Felix’s pecs and down his adonis belt. “You are the one doing the fucking this time. I have nothing to prep you with, and you want your first time to be slow, believe me. Ergo, you’re topping.”

“Alright,” Felix gave in with a laugh. If that’s what Wooyoung wanted to do, then Felix was content with being the penetrator rather than the penetrated. He also couldn’t deny the skip of his heartbeat when Wooyoung suggested there would be a second time. “One more thing. What’s topping?”

Eyes widening in amusement, Wooyoung couldn’t help but giggle at the younger’s words. “God, you’re innocent. Good thing you have me to show you everything you need to know.”

Rolling off Felix’s body, Wooyoung rid himself of his remaining clothes— jeans and underwear landing on top of Felix’s pile. With his free hand, Wooyoung reached for the nightstand and rummaged through its content with a hopeful expression.

“Come on, San-ie. Don’t disappoint me right now.” After a few seconds, his face lit up while he pulled lube and a condom from the drawer. “Do I know my best friend or what?”

“San. Is that the pink-haired guy?”

“Yup. I dyed it myself. You like it?” Wooyoung asked as he handed Felix the condom.

“It suits him well.” He rolled the piece of latex over himself with vigour while Wooyoung opened the lube and began spreading it between his cheeks. “So, this is his room? He doesn’t mind us using his bed?”

“Oh, I’m counting on it. San used mine so often, with so many different women, he should be paying half of my rent.” Felix chuckle was dark, eyes focusing on Wooyoung once he was back on top of him. “But enough about him.”

Felix’s eyes ran down Wooyoung’s naked form as he felt himself twitch against thin air. For a few rose-coloured seconds, he let himself enjoy the view of a beautiful man on top of him. His hands roamed over the older’s thighs, feeling the texture of his smooth, sun-kissed skin. He could have spent hours exploring every crevice of Wooyoung’s body.

In the dim lightening of the room, Wooyoung looked ethereal, muscular statue and pretty face only further continued in the shape of his cock. In no porn had Felix ever seen someone so enchanting, mouth watering at the mere sight of his erection. As much as Wooyoung had focused on him within the previous moments, Felix couldn’t shake the need to do the same for him. His own arousal pushed past its limits by the thought of making Wooyoung feel good.

Hands wandering further up his thighs, Felix soon reached the base of his dick. With one questioning look followed by an agreeing hum, Felix finally touched him.

He went slow at first, testing the waters and Wooyoung’s reactions to figure out what he liked. It took him not a minute to do so. Working Wooyoung the same way he worked himself in moments of privacy did the trick. It almost came natural to him as he collected the guy’s pre-cum to smear it over his length, hand pumping from base to tip in short, rhythmic motions.

“Fuck. You’re so pretty.”

The words were as much unsolicited as they were unintentional, though Wooyoung enjoyed the compliment. A blush appeared on his cheeks as he closed the gap, pushing his hungry mouth against Felix’s.

“How about you fuck me and see how much prettier I can become.”

Felix, yet again, felt himself twitch at the crudeness of the words, proving to himself that, yes. He might have a thing for dirty talk. Though that realisation was for another day to explore. With his bottom lip between his teeth, Wooyoung shimmied down his body until he reached his lap. Squirting some of the lube onto his palm, Wooyoung lost no time to massage it into Felix’s length.

“Ready?”

“God, yes.”

As Wooyoung sunk all the way to complete fullness, Felix realised that was a lie. He could have never prepared for the feeling of Wooyoung’s snug hole, so much tighter than anything he had ever felt around himself before. His hands flew to the older’s thighs as he moved up and down and steadied himself by clawing his nails into Felix’s skin.

“Fuck, you’re tight.”

“You have no idea how amazing you feel,” Wooyoung agreed with a moan, hands resting on Felix’s stomach for support. “You think you can move? Meet me in the middle?”

“I don’t even know if I can breathe right now.”

His words were met with a giggle, though despite his inability to think, Felix lifted his hip up to meet him. Moving against gravity was more demanding than he had anticipated, but the look of pure bliss on Wooyoung’s face made it worthwhile.

He definitely hadn’t lied when he said he’d become even prettier while fucked out.

They soon found a rhythm that was comfortable for either. Still, Felix knew he wouldn’t last much longer. Not when Wooyoung caressed all his senses so perfectly, eyes, ears, hands, mouth and mind filled with nothing but him. The world stood still around them, entirely immersed in the moment.

One particularly sharp thrust poked Felix’s attention, tip hitting a spot within Wooyoung that made him throw his head back with a whimper. His body trembled under Felix’s palms, abdominal muscles pulling Wooyoung forward and crouching over the younger. At first, Felix believed whatever he had done had hurt Wooyoung. Once the older opened his eyes—gaze veiled in animalistic hunger—Felix understood it wasn’t a grunt of pain.

“Was that…”

“My prostate? Fuck, yes.” Stilling on top of him, Wooyoung needed to rest for a second. Right when he took up his previous movements, Felix fell back into the same rhythm. Five thrusts in, the same thing happened again, though Wooyoung didn’t stop this time. To say that the sight was divine would have been a crude understatement. “Fuck… Touch me, baby. Please!”

The first time Wooyoung begged him for something—rather than the other way around—Felix identified another new kink. This was all new anyways, and Wooyoung still unleashed underlying desires Felix hadn’t even known existed.

Felix’s hands flew to Wooyoung’s dick, stroking it in unison with his thrusts. And like that, the older fell apart on top of him.

Felix had only ever seen a man cum through the screen of his laptop. It had seemed so fake, the whimpering and grunting way too excessive to be genuine. Or so he thought.

When Wooyoung hit his high, he completely slumped with a groan in Felix’s ear as he released onto his stomach. Hot spurts painted his abs in white, running between the crevices and towards his navel—and there was so much of it. Felix wasn’t quite sure if this was still considered healthy.

Despite being in a state of utter bliss, Wooyoung kept moving, dragging out his orgasm and urging Felix towards his own. The sight and noises would have gotten him there as was. The added pleasure of Wooyoung’s tired hole clenching and his intense eyes eventually launched him into his sweet, sweet release.

Panting beside each other, they tried catching their breaths for a few minutes. It could have been hours, for all Felix cared. He couldn’t have been trusted with anything right now, not even telling the time.

At some point, Felix cleaned himself before reclaiming his position under Wooyoung, with the older’s head propped on his chest.

“That was…”

“Yeah.”

Chuckling filled the room as their gazes fixated on the ceiling. Wooyoung pressed kisses against Felix’s chest on occasion, a sweet gesture that was much appreciated. The longer they remained entangled, listening to each other’s breathing, the faster Felix’s mind spun. The kissing, the tension, the desire. Everything was so fresh in his mind but, at the same time, felt so far away. He couldn’t deny that after finally figuring out why everyone was so obsessed with sex, he couldn’t wait to experience it again.

Wooyoung figured Felix’s mind out with one short look at his lap.

“You’re still hard.”

It wasn’t so much still as it was again, his body visibly not done yet despite having reached a peak minutes ago.

“Because you’re still pretty.”

The explanation forced Wooyoung’s cheeks into another blush as he kissed Felix, softer this time but just as passionate. Climbing back on top of him, Wooyoung nipped at Felix’s bruised neck, making him moan at the mix of pain and pleasure.

“That’s gonna be a bitch to cover up tomorrow,” Wooyoung recognised with a giggle as his gaze met Felix’s. “Sorry about that.”

“It’s alright. I like having a visual reminder for the next few days.”

“Well, if that’s so…”

Trailing off, Wooyoung leaned back down, sucking on Felix’s chest. A red bruise appeared within seconds of him biting and licking over the flesh, Felix holding him close by his hair to keep him going. Any direct skin contact Wooyoung gave him Felix couldn’t get enough of. He wanted to live in this moment for as long as possible.

The fire in his stomach reignited when the older licked over his nipples, swirling the buds between his lips. The shock waves coursing through Felix reached his cock, which twitched in excitement.

Yup, he definitely wasn’t done for today.

While Wooyoung kissed his way all over Felix’s chest, the younger reentered heaven. He couldn’t help but ponder what else there was he hadn’t tried yet. Like giving blowjobs. Or whatever the antonym of topping was. He couldn’t quite wait to figure it out, although some higher power forced patience on him.

Felix wanted to ask Wooyoung if he could taste him, but he didn’t get there. Before anything else could happen, the door to the room opened with a creek, and Felix’s head snapped up. His eyes darted to the entrance, shock written on his face as his gaze met the intruder’s.

He couldn’t quite tell whether you had recognised him. Although the lighting most likely wasn’t dark enough to shield his identity. You must have identified him. But he couldn’t react fast enough. As soon as you had appeared, you muttered a perplexed “I’m sorry” and pulled the door shut. Leaving Felix with only fear and a hard-on he wasn’t so sure would find any true relief for the rest of the night

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[hopelessromantic5]

SydCarmy clip

Artist Carmy

Sydney is his long lost muse.

TBC at a later date 💀

Carmen is a chef, that much is apparent.

But before that, he was an artist.

The notebooks that he kept hidden from the prying eyes of his disastrous family had been his only solace through a…turbulent childhood.

He would sketch whatever caught his eye. A specific bird with a pretty song. A wildflower on the playground that was shining extra bright in the sun.

As he grew, so did his art. Wobbly formations transformed into confident lines and lifelike shading. What was once inanimate became alive.

He drew what he knew. Sugar, Mikey, booths at The Beef, and most importantly, food.

It seemed that food was center of his existence. His mother, his brother, and then eventually, he himself was sucked into the love of food.

Maybe it started because no matter how many awful things they’d said to each other, dinner in the Berzatto house was never missed. They all sat, sometimes (most times) uncomfortably quiet. But still, they were together. A mess, but a mess that belonged to each other.

Maybe it was the way flavors on his tongue seemed to revive Carmy from the dead on days he didn’t think he wanted to be alive; bright mornings after a dreadful night of his mother screaming at him that he was useless, that he could never do anything right. All while she sobbed and shattered her wine glass against the wall.

But something about a breakfast sandwich from the Beef, perfectly curated by his brother, made him forget his life for long enough that he could ride to school in peace, sketching the layers to the egg and glazed bacon, the different cheeses, the perfectly toasted bun.

There was one awful attempt to draw this girl, Claire.

Carmen noticed her when she began hanging out with Mikey, which was already kind of a red flag. But for some reason, the sketches kept ending up distorted and, quite frankly, disturbing to look at. Carmen wound up ripping the pages out and burning them.

Of course, his notebooks and shading pencils began to form dust after Carmy gave his life over to cooking. Becoming a chef was exhausting, and maintaining life as a chef, a Michelin star retaining chef, was soul destroying.

Maybe it was just Carmen’s luck. Maybe he attracted assholes and bullies, people that liked to spit insults down his neck as he stood there and took it. Vomiting it back up, hours later in the alley.

Eleven Madison Park was the worst and best experience of his life. He wouldn’t be as good as he was without it, but he also wouldn’t be as fucked up, as mentally torn apart.

He didn’t think it couldn’t get any worse.

That is, until he got the call.

He should’ve known. Things can always get worse.

Yet, the ultimate dichotomy of the best and worst time of Carmy’s life was yet to come.

As he stood in the back of his dead brother’s collapsing, grease infested, death trap, an angel came to him.

Appearing in the form of a beautiful woman. Skin dark and rich, glowing with a shine all its own. Big, curious brown eyes nervously taking him in, announcing herself.

“Hi, hello. I-I’m Sydney, I called about the sous position? I’m staging today? I think you said I could stage today-“

Carmen’s head was completely fucked. He forgot about the lovely voice on the other end of the phone, after a long day of sarcastic, apathetic dickwads.

“Right! Shit, sorry. Yes, yeah. Carmy.” He gestured to himself.

He took her resume, and was blown away. Not only was she beautiful, she was also capable. Stacked by the CIA and extremely respected restaurants of Chicago.

He thought for a second that he may have been dreaming. The gods had answered his silent prayer of a reprieve in the form of this human goddess who was trained the same way Carmen was trained; knows the ins and outs of a kitchen the way he does. A true partner, in that way.

Nearly a year went by. Arguments were had and healed, copious amounts of cash was found amongst tomato sauce cans, and The Bear finally got off the ground running…after a few minor snags.

Carmy had resigned that night, in the walk-in, to call Claire one more time and end the entire thing, on top of apologizing vehemently. Apologize for ruining yet another good thing, another good person and then let her go on about her perfectly healthy life.

Carmen was ashamed to admit to himself, that he barely even liked her. Nothing was natural, everything felt like a show he was putting on for someone else. Maybe for Mikey, maybe for himself, who knows.

One thing Carmen did know, for sure; it was not good for him. Or the restaurant. Or her. His partner.

She took the worst of it, and Carmen will never forgive himself for that. She did everything, kept his dream alive, while he fucked off and pretended to be something he wasn’t.

Somehow, gratefully and graciously, he’d earned his way back into Syndey’s trust over these last few months. Carmy put his full focus into The Bear, as it should’ve been from the beginning. And he never let her forget that he was there for her, that they were partners. Even when shit got too overwhelming, too much, they would always be there.

They stood by that.

Things were…better than they’d ever been.

The kitchen worked seamlessly, every once in a while there was a small mishap. But that’s what a good kitchen is; one that can run even when the unpredictable happens.

And for The Bear, regular unpredictable is a cake walk compared to their original amount of unpredictable.

He and Sydney moved through the kitchen like two halves of one mind. Wordlessly knowing what the other will need before they have the chance to ask, small gestures of reassurance when they need it. His hand on the small of her back in passing, I’m here, it says.

Her soft smile directed his way when he quietly corrected a new hire on their technique, instead of flying off the handle.

Carmen hadn’t raised his voice that way in a while. While he went to Al-Non and saw Dick (his therapist [that’s his actual name, don’t blame Carmen]), he could credit his better sleep schedule and improved outlook on life to one individual particularly.

The more he saw Sydney, the more she came into his space, the longer she stayed, the more Carmen calmed. For the first time in his life, he was still, tranquil, happy.

It, whatever it was, that special drug, that magic, seemed to just radiate off her skin in waves of pure ethereal light.

She stood in his modest kitchen, throwing her head back laughing at something stupid he said. And Carmen knew peace.

Maybe that’s why the shading pencils that had been shoved into a carboard box in the back of his closet finally made a reappearance.

He was at the market on a random Monday, their one and only day off, when he saw a display of sketchbooks, at the end of an aisle.

Instinct made him throw one in his basket. Black with a singular word embossed on the front in gold.

Create.

Carmen’s immediate thought was: that’s cheesy.

At home, sitting on the couch tapping his leg in impatience , he narrowed his eyes at the sketchbook in the center of his kitchen table. He thought maybe it wasn’t such a bad cover.

The word was like an alarm, a reminder that he could always be doing something, creating something new.

As afternoon turned to evening, Carm didn’t notice. He hadn’t looked up.

For the last four hours, he had been practically dead to the world.

All that existed was the image in his mind and the empty pages sitting before him.

The sound of his phone ringing startled him out of his daze. Realizing all of once that he was starving, and he had to pee, and his phone was still ringing.

Fuck, the phone!

He caught it before it went to voicemail.

“Yo!” He was out of breath, for no reason.

“Yo, you good?” Sydney chuckled, poking at him. “Am I still coming over to cook or are you like…training for the marathon?”

“I could run.” He huffed. “You don’t know.”

The smile that he refused to acknowledge was difficult to keep out of his voice, but he managed.

“Ha! I don’t think any Berzatto even knows the definition of the word ‘run’. Except maybe Pete, but he doesn’t count.”

That made a laugh bubble up out of him.

“He does run. Nat complains about his early morning jogs sometimes.”

“Of course he jogs!” She bellowed, cackling on the other end. “Nothing worse than a jogger.” Followed quickly by. “Don’t tell Nat or Pete I said that.”

Carmen sucked his teeth and tilted his head as if weighing his options, though she couldn’t see him.

“I don’t know…”

“Carmen!” He loved this. He loved her.

“I’m fucking with you, Syd. I won’t tell Nat you think her husband is awful because he jogs.”

“Good. Thank you.” She sighed. “Nat loves me more, anyway. She would take my side.”

“Over her husband?” He asked incredulously.

“No, jackass, over you.” She laughed.

“Ouch. A jackass that got his sister stolen by his CDC. Might as well just end it then. Here I was, taking the jeans out of the oven, just for you.”

“Well, now I’ve caught you in a lie. You forget, I see your oven as often as you do, and I haven’t seen a single sighting of denim.”

“I wait til you leave, obviously.”

“Just shut up and buzz me in, weirdo.” He can hear her smile through the phone knowing that he was the one to put it there warmed his blood.

He was floating on a cloud as he made his way to the front door. Leaving it ajar after buzzing her into the building.

[berzattosbandanas]

sydcarmy as taylor swift songs: a list

This show has got me down so bad, and the meta and fan fiction has given me such a stunning case of brain rot that I am actually writing something to contribute to a tag for the first time.

Sydcarmy is the one ship that I didn't want to have Taylor Swift songs for, because even as a major Swiftie, I need a break sometimes. However, the TikTok edits got me and I now have a list. There aren't many on this list just because I'm actively trying not to overreach with their current state in canon and not confuse myself with the mass amount of fan fiction I have read in the last month.

I think I need to establish my own thoughts on these two characters and their relationship at some point, but I think the main thread I have is that they don't know what they mean to each other yet. Carmy is definitely more in love with Syd at this point in time as he has visibly shown that he needs her to cope. While this is a bit unhealthy and could lead to a smidge of codependence, Syd is the person who understands him and his craft and knows him beyond his family, which is a source of comfort for him. On the other hand, Sydney has spent the series growing out of her hero worship of Carmy and building a professional relationship with him that has made them equals. I think having this innate understanding of each other will translate well into a romantic relationship, especially with the boundaries of this professional relationship being as blurry as they are and the feelings simmering under the surface. There is not a single platonic explanation for the panic attack scene or the table scene, but both of these characters have not been given an opportunity to have their romantic feelings become realised yet but there is such a clear opportunity for it to go this way.

Song One: cowboy like me (evermore 2020)

This song is the story of two con artists who fall in love but the narrator is unsure of how real the relationship is, despite the twin flame/soulmatism of it all. There is so much in this song to analyse on its own and in relation to these two, but I will try and keep it to a few points.

While Syd and Carmy are not con artists, their shared passion and job binds them together the way the con artists in the song are. They have both had bad experiences in fine dining, souring their passion but the newfound connection and subsequent relationship with each other have given them hope because of their unique understanding. This is akin to the experiences the narrator of the song puts forward of the rich men who she has tricked and their wives who have talked shit about her for it. Deceit is also a theme of the song, relating to how Syd and Carmy are, at this point, hiding their true feelings for the other from themselves and hiding behind the restaurant and their food to do that talking.

The relationship described in the song is hesitant but they know that it is it. The line now I know / I'm never gonna love again after the con artists' first meeting and repeated at the end of the song imply that this could either be the greatest love story or their biggest ruin, mirroring what Syd and Carmy have the capacity to be to each other. Now you hang from my lips / like the Gardens of Babylon carries so much meaning in the song on its own, with the reference to a historical place that has no proof of ever existing implying that the relationship is beautiful but idealistic and a far-away fantasy for someone in the unconventional line of work the narrator is. In relation to Carmy and Syd, the industry they work in is insanely difficult to form romantic relationships within and outside of, but there are a lot of fwb situations to blow off steam. This speaks to if the relationship between the two takes a sexual or romantic turn, where will the line be drawn? Will it just be a friends with benefits situation or can they put in the work to make it a beautiful, healthy and fulfilling relationship, just like the Gardens of Babylon would have needed if it actually existed?

Overall, the song does validate the connection that Carmy and Sydney have and that they can be (are) the great loves of each others' lives, but it needs work and both of them to stop lying to themselves and each other about their feelings.

Song Two: peace (folklore 2020)

Peace is a song that I think encapsulates Carmy's point of view on a relationship. Not just with Syd, as parts of the song can be generalised out to Claire and even his familial relationships like Mikey, Richie, Nat etc. It speaks of warning someone about committing to the narrator, in this case Carmy, as he is not a peaceful person so it would be hard to give the other person the peace they seek in a relationship.

Of course, I think the person to give Carmy peace and allow him to reciprocate would be Sydney because they work in the same industry, and get each other in a way that no one else can understand. They have both had moments of validation from the other, Sydney by having a culinary education and fine dining experience validating Carmy's thoughts and direction during The Beef era, and Carmy acknowledging her fears in the table scene and absolving them (before getting stuck in the fridge and unintentionally going backwards on his word). This validation of the other is such a gift of peace in an otherwise crazy workplace that is a valued part of their relationship.

The whole song is of giving someone peace, warmth and a safe place to come to that Carmy is sceptical of having and being but will give to the described partner to the best of his ability. The narrator/Carmy also admires the person they are singing the song to, Your integrity makes me feel small / you paint dreamscapes on the wall, which forms a big part of the relationship because if this is about anyone, it would be about Syd. I think in 2x03, he wants to let her creativity show and be able to collaborate with her to create a restaurant that is not just his, but theirs but hey, then a big distraction walks in the door.

The bridge is also a massive part of why this song is Carmy-specific.

And you know that I'd swing with you for the fences Sit with you in the trenches Give you my wild, give you a child Give you the silence that only comes when two people understand each other

He wants to give Sydney her dream, as well as achieve his own of his restaurant with Mikey, this is spoken through the wild and child, as the wild his his passion, effort and attention and the child in this case is The Bear. He will support her through her decisions and ambitions, the same way she will him, and go through all the shit with her that comes with running a business in the cutthroat culinary world, whilst wanting to know more of her and her life (the Dead Mom conversation, the "say more" in the table scene). The silence line is the most Sydcarmy coded song lyric that I have ever heard in my life and they have the beginnings of that connection now, but they have such a capacity to grow into that sort of telepathic connection and safe space for each other that I really hope we get to see.

Song Three: hoax (folklore 2020)

These songs, in my head, go together quite well and in this case, it is Sydney singing about Carmy. The singer begins the song as downtrodden, whether as a result of their life and experiences or because of the other person, which works with Syd's narrative thus far. Over the course of the song, the narrator insinuates that as disillusioned with life as she is, the hoax that is being in love and having a life with this one specific person is all they want.

For Syd, her previous experiences in fine dining and her catering business were those winless fight[s] / that have frozen [her] ground and made her closed off from the culinary world until she saw the job posting by Carmy that gave her hope. These and her mother's death early in her life have also seen to have frozen her heart, as we as the audience have had no mention to connections she has beyond her dad and those at The Bear. I hope in the next season/s that we get to see Syd with some friends (bring Rachel Sennot on the show pleeeease) so she doesn't seem as lonely as she does.

Don't want no other shade of blue, but you / no other sadness in the world would do is such a romantic lyric that speaks to, when she realises she is in love with Carmy and wants to be with him, wanting to be with a person regardless of all their mental health issues and insecurities, which Carmen Berzatto has in abundance. To counter with Peace, Carmy wants the same with Syd, despite her neuroticisms and anxieties, he wants her too.

The bridge in this song is also a big part of why I like this song for Syd and Carmy.

You know I left a part of me back in New York You knew the hero died, so what's the movie for? You knew it still hurts underneath my scars From when they pulled me apart You knew the password, so I let you in the door You knew you won, so what's the point of keeping score? You knew it still hurts underneath my scars From when they pulled me apart But what you did was just as dark Darling, this was just as hard As when they pulled me apart

The New York mention makes it feel like this could be a Carmy song because he was so battered and bruised by his New York experiences, pulled apart if you will, but for Sydney, New York meant something else to her. She tasted Carmy's food for the first time and set her standards for food there. I think she has yet to reach her own standards, whilst being an incredible chef, and growing closer to Carmy in terms of their professional partnership and personal relationship will help her reach that.

There is something so intimate about someone knowing you so well and there being such a strong connection that all of the walls you keep up are let down around this person (You knew the password, so I let you in the door) and I think that this is Carmy to Sydney. She told him about her mom which she had not told anyone else (as far as we have seen) and they share many of the same fears in terms of the culinary world so letting him in was easy, he just now has to maintain being that person and be the hoax that Syd can believe in.

Other Songs

Obviously there are many more songs that could fit these two, but they are included in multiple Sydcarmy playlists on Spotify and capture what I feel like these two characters could feel for each other based on what we have seen so far in the show.

Renegade (feat Taylor Swift) - Big Red Machine (How Long Do You Think It's Gonna Last? 2021)

The Archer (Carmy Carmy Carmy)

You Are In Love (established relationship fic vibes)

False God (for when the finally get their act together)

[evita-shelby]

Love's a state of mind

Chapter 4

Cw: mentions of past trauma, mentions of death in childbirth, research about abortion

Taglist: @thegreatdragonfruta

He could lie and say he’s over her, but his resolve breaks the moment he turns and finds unresponsive on the floor.

Her PA had wanted to sweep this under the rug only for him to point out she hit the side of the table on the way down.

To let his ex-girlfriend have some dignity, no paramedics had been called and Rob was going to have Chrissy say whatever Eva was hiding while she drove them to the nearest emergency room.

It was far too easy; Chrissy had always been very chatty. Eva didn’t like silence and kept her no matter how many times she spilled any secret of her boss because while you could get Chrissy Gutierrez to speak, an extractor couldn’t rob them blind.

All Riley and Fischer Morrow employees with any access were trained against extractions, as a precaution. Everyone knows if you want to make it into the next decade you have to get on with the times.

“She’s been sick for a few days, after this meeting she’s supposed to go to the doctor.” The assistant isn’t lying, but he’s been around her enough to know there’s something else.

“Chrissy.” he warns as takes the backseat with a still unconscious Eva. The things he does for this woman, this fucking woman who used him and has him crawling back to her without any effort from her part.

“Six pregnancy tests, fifty percent chance it’s another scare.” The plucky assistant admits knowing he was there the last time.

Eva hadn’t told him; he’d found out on his own when she left the test in their bathroom. He had been nervous and a bit excited at the prospect of a life with her and their hypothetical children. She had been relieved when her doctor told them it was a false positive.

Her sister had died from childbirth complications, Eva was terrified of it happening to her. They’d talked about it that night, sitting on the rug with their backs to the bed. To think all of it was a fucking lie, maybe she just didn’t want to have kids with him.

Everything was as real as you and me, her words hadn’t left his head since she spoke them making him doubt his new perception of her.

He had kissed her thinking it would not be like the ones before and feel nothing after, and yet it had the opposite effect.

Robert had gone there with every intention of taking that wind park that gave her company its name and destroying it just as Uncle Peter had been meaning too. He had folded, not because she seduced him, but because she had told the truth.

He’s known her for a year, Eva’s a good liar but not good enough when she’s not firing on all cylinders. She hadn’t had a hair out of place, but he could tell from the way she tried to get the meeting over with and how pale she was at the end.

He was petty and taught to exploit his opponents’ weaknesses. Robert’s just never been as good as his father nor Uncle Peter.

Never good enough.

“Chrissy, you’re fired.” Eva keeps her eyes shut and mutters something in Spanish when she opens them to see him hovering over her.

“I’m fine.” She says and refuses his help as she moves as far as she can in Chrissy’s little sedan. “If there is anything you should know, I will tell you. If I don’t it’s because its none of your fucking business, Rob.”

Stubborn as always, even as she is shaking off the effects of a minor concussion and a fainting spell, Eva is as stubborn as a pack mule.

He always liked that about her, even in moments when it grated him.

Like now.

“I think it’s my fucking business, Evie, it is our baby you might be having.” He points out and she threatens Chrissy with a bad reference for running her mouth like that.

“Don’t you have a plane to catch?” Eva asks knowing he’d delayed his bimonthly visits home for this fucking meeting alone.

“No, my schedule is perfectly clear.” Just for you. “Besides, if that fifty percent chance turns out to be true, I would rather be here with you than in Sydney with my dad.”

“How sweet of you. What do you want me to do now? Give you a pat on the back? Feed you a treat, give you a belly rub and call you a good boy?" She mocks him, hitting every button she knows so he leaves and takes that fucking private jet to Sydney and all it does is have Chrissy call her out on being such a bitch.

But he won’t. His dad was right to be disappointed in him, Robert thinks as he shoots down every protest his ex throws at him as she tries to get him to leave.

Robert gets that look on his face like he did that time months ago when he thought she was pregnant as well. That dopey one that is already seeing them settle in some picture-perfect place with perfect kids and a perfect life.

Save for their bickering, you couldn’t tell they were over. He stood by her every fucking second and even told Chrissy ---told her as if he had any right to run her life--- he’d be taking her home before she left.

Eva hadn’t been in a good mood in days, while Robert was the perfect patient when he busted his knee when they went hiking one time, Eva was the worst.

“It’s pretty impossible for me pregnant, just so you know.” She says breaking him out of his thoughts as they wait for the ER doctor and the results of all her tests. “Even when we weren’t playing it safe, I never slipped up.”

“It surprises me that you didn’t jump at the opportunity to baby trap me.” He countered making her falter when he looked at her too intently.

“Please, your damn eyes had the guilt eating me up inside the whole time, its why I couldn’t say yes to a lifelong commitment to you. As much I ended up loving you, I just couldn’t look you in the eye without knowing I had used you.” Eva admits and now he’s the one looking away feeling conflicted.

Rob had been told the worst of her and his family couldn’t help but fan the flames of his loathing for her after they were proven right.

And yet he is here because there is a thin thread tying them back together like a red string of fate and Robert’s held to it like a lifeline.

It makes her heart hurt to know that she spent most of last night researching whether she could end her pregnancy at eight to ten weeks in the state of California. The answer was yes, she could.

“I thought you liked my eyes.” Robert says knowing she’s been very appreciative of his inhumanly blue eyes. Poetry, specific paint hues and a pendant he got her with the exact shade of blue as his eyes.

“I do, it’s one of the reasons actually.” She responds and both forget its over between them. Eva could taste him in her mouth still and burned to feel him under her hands and mar his fair skin with love bites. “Made me feel as if I was naked before you.”

Bad choice of words, she thinks when his pupils dilate and his Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed no doubt remembering their very extensive history.

Eva had no issue with physical nakedness, especially around him. Several times she’d surprise him at work by wearing nothing under her coat or wearing nothing at all when he came home. She’d worn nothing underneath her coat the day they left on his private jet to New York. Eva would bet her wind park that was what brings them here today.

But neither Eva nor Robert can seem to speak or do anything than stare at each other as they both come to the same realization: despite the way things ended, their feelings for each other are as strong as they were then, if not stronger.

I still love you; his eyes say just as the obstetrician comes in at last.

[ncisfranchise-source]

NCIS: Sydney 1×01 “Gone Fission” is a welcome return to episodic television after such a long time. But that’s not the only thing that makes the episode work. In fact, after a rough first half of the episode, “Gone Fission” is actually a pretty promising Pilot for NCIS: Sydney, one that by the end of the hour, makes us kind of excited for the future of this show.

It isn’t smooth sailing from the start. Olivia Swann and Todd Lasance take a while to get there. Sean Sagar and Tuuli Narkle, on the other hand, have a much easier chemistry, not just with each other, but with the rest of the cast – and the same can be said of Mavournee Haze and William McInnes, who seem like they fit in with everyone. They are, of course, not being asked to do as much as Swann and Lasance, so in a way, it’s not truly fair to judge them by the same standards.

But there’s no denying it takes a bit for this episode to click, just as there’s no denying that once Swann and Lasance do click the rest just fits. Even they have to begrudgingly admit it. It’s hard to tell if the awkwardness at the beginning was planned, or if was just a byproduct of the circumstances, but it ends up working in the show’s favor.

A Good Foundation

Perhaps the most important thing is that it feels like there’s a good foundation here, and though this is set to be a short first season, if NCIS: Sydney uses the eight episodes it has properly, there’s a lot of promise in this show. That’s great news for CBS, particularly considering there’s a great upside to international versions of NCIS (not that they make any real sense whatsoever, but whatever, why should we apply common sense to this fictional agency).

The smart move now – and probably what we’ll get, considering the filming timeline and the restrictions, is to make Season 1 of NCIS: Sydney all about NCIS: Sydney. Once that’s established as its own thing, then the show can begin to think about expanding, and bringing in characters from NCIS, NCIS: Hawaii, and even canceled NCIS: Los Angeles. For now, all we need is some entertaining cases and a little bit of backstory on these characters we’re getting to know.  That’s where the show needs to invest because that’s where we need to invest. And that particularly holds true when it comes to …

Opposites Attract

The rule of thumb with procedurals is that opposites attract, but for that to work you need a lot of things. You can’t just throw two opposite personalities in the mix and hope for the best – which felt like the show was doing with Mackey and Dempsey at first. Ten minutes in, the vibe was that they just didn’t like each other and that they were right not to. Thirty minutes in, however, the sense was that they deep down had more in common than they would have wanted to admit, and that’s why they were clashing.

Now, that’s a more interesting dynamic. Especially because we’ve only scratched the surface of what these two might have in common – and the very different ways they handle their issues. Add to that the sense that their superiors seem to be delighting in the fact that they don’t seem to want to work together, at least for now, and we’re in for a very interesting early dynamic for Mackey and Dempsey, who will likely also clash when it comes to who is actually in charge.

Though, we’ll just say – her title is “NCIS Special Agent-in-Charge.” That counts for something. Not that we’re picking sides or anything (except we kinda are).

Enemies to lovers isn’t the vibe here, but antagonistic reluctant partners to “you’re the only one I trust” to more? We could get behind that, just saying. We have gotten behind that before.

[filmperidot]

High School TV Show Top Picks

Shows set in high school can be delightfully funny and bittersweet, or horribly embarrassing failures. Nowadays (it seems more often than not) your classically fun ‘teen show’ is a rare find. In a sea of shitty, and bizarre shows (looking at you Riverdale), there are still some good ones out there. As someone currently in highschool, I’d like to share a little guide to some of my top picks.

Before we get started, I also want to note that I think there’s a pretty big difference between shows that happen to be set in highschool/feature teens, and shows where their highschool experience is a large part of the plot. Coming of age is really a blanket term that can take a lot of different forms! For this post, I’m going to give my top picks for coming of age shows that are actually dedicated to the high school experience. While I love coming of age shows such as Stranger Things, and intense dramas like Euphoria, the main focus of those shows isn’t actually the fact that they’re in highschool. So this list is going to largely feature slightly more grounded comedies and dramas.

Derry Girls (2018-2022, 3 Seasons, TV-MA)- Derry Girls follows a teenage friend group in Ireland during The Troubles. It’s honestly one of the funniest teen shows I’ve ever seen. Each of the characters are nothing short of delightful, and their families are just as fun. To this day, it’s shocking to me that the cast are in their 20s and 30s- they truly nailed what it is to be a teenager. At only 19, 25-minute long episodes, it’s a pretty quick watch for a TV Show, but an endless source of serotonin. It’s extremely enjoyable for any age.

Sex Education (2019-, 3 Seasons, TV-MA)- Sex Education follows Otis, an awkward teenager who’s mother is a sex therapist, and his friends he attends school with. This show is a similar delight. It’s laugh out loud humor is well balanced with true poignancy, and it’s actually quite educational. Give this a watch if you feel like your high school health classes failed you!

Heartstopper (2022-, 1 Season, TV-14)- Heartstopper is a romance between two teenage boys set in England. This one was mostly included because of its overall sweetness. Its incredibly heartwarming, and quite refreshing to see such authentically kind and honest characters in a teen show centered around romance. This show is perfect for you if you enjoy teen romances, but are tired of seeing them portrayed as overly edgy, dramatic, or heavily sexualized.

Freaks and Geeks (1999, 1 Season, TV-14)- Freaks and Geeks tells the story of two groups of friends in the late nineties. Sadly, this show was cancelled before it could get a second season, which I consider a true tragedy. It’s funny, authentic, the characters are great, and the storylines are still as relatable and relevant today as they were when this show first aired.

I Am Not Okay With This (2020, 1 Season, TV-MA)- This show is about a character named Sydney, who’s dealing with highschool, family drama, romance, and superpowers on top of that. I Am Not Okay With This is really the outlier of this group of shows, since it does have a supernatural element. But I decided to include it here anyways because (as I stated previously) the actual highschool experience is still relevant and very relatable. Sadly, this is another show that was canceled after only one season. Now, I’m typically doubtful of most shows that have gotten canceled by Netflix. I watched a few of the ones that have received outrage for being canceled, and let’s just say I wasn’t impressed, which has made me a bit of a skeptic. But I can say, wholeheartedly, that the outrage was deserved for this one. The humor is fantastic, the actors perfectly embody their characters, and much like the rest of this list, the comedy is well balanced with deeper themes.

Please give these shows a try if you haven’t seen them! I’ll probably be making a post for my favorite broader coming of age shows, or maybe one for coming of age movies?

[dykeyote]

what if for the character thing i said elijah volkov for the funnies (PLEASE DON'T BLOW ME UP PLEASE DON'T BLOW ME UP PL)

i wont blow u up with my mind ..... TODAY ....... but i will do this bc i actually do have lots of thoughts on him hehe >:) many of those are just filled with hate

fav thing about him: oh hes an AMAZING villain hes so well written . he really gets under my skin like people talk about how his pet names are hot but i just could never relate to that because his pet names are so saccharine sweet it makes me shiver its like . his obsessive yet adoring affection is written in such a perfect way that makes you simultaneously get lovebombed by his kindness alongside sydney while Also feeling so creeped out and uncomfortable and i think thats Brilliant writing

least favorite thing about him: that hes a stupid idiot motherfucker dumbass stupid idiot who i hate and whos stupid and awufl and gross and disgusting and i literally hate him so much that listening to the clock of meantime when he started talking i got so angry i started violently shaking and had to stop listening to the episode . i want to kill him . serious answer is obviously that hes a predator but thats obvious so more specifically the fact that he kissed sydneys stuffed animal creeps me otu SO bad every time thinking about it makes me gen sick . idk why it just freaks me out so bad

favorite line: "Don’t you think you deserve better than what he gives you? Don’t you deserve his utmost appreciation? Devotion? Love?...He should worship you!...Worship is everywhere, dear. It’s the deepest, truest form of love. It’s the kind of love that gives a lover purpose. Life worships you!" i just think its such a brilliantly written subtle example of manipulation and lovebombing and drawing sydney away from jedidiah . like it starts with the Genuine point that sydney deserves better and deserves more love than hes getting from jeddie and then transitions to warming sydney up to the idea of being Worshipped and then after doing so transitions to the idea of worshipping being the Only true real good love (with the implication being that elijah is the one who can Provide that love and jedidiah cannot) . it just really stood out to me when i listened to that ep i thought it was so well done and such a subtle form of manipulation

fav friendship: i hope he never has any friends ever for the rest of his days

fav relationship: if we're saying "what i think the best possible option is" elijadam is inoffensive to me . i hate elijah too much and i dont really think he deserves a relationship at all but like idk i understand the appeal i get why people like it i wont side eye u for liking elijadam the way i would for like . any other elijah ship lmao . if we're talking "ships i actually Like instead of just thinking theyre fine" then elijah x getting his head chopped off

least fav relationship: i hope everyone who ships him w sydney dies and goes to hell no matter what /ref

random headcanon: i headcanon that hes a loser idiot- omg wait thats canon

unpopular opinion: trying to think of a niche unpopular opiniont hats not just "i think ur kinda weird if u constantly post about how sexy he is" . hmmmm. i feel the same way about willy stampler actually but it applies to elijah also i think a lot of people just refer to him as "manipulative" instead of "predatory" to soften what he did a bit and i find it odd

song i associate w him: aphrodite your electric sexiness

[if-you-fan-a-fire]

"....most of the members of the Howard League [of penal reformers] haven't been to jail and they don't realise the boobhead's fighting for a cause when he commits a crime. It may be a bad cause and he's probably unconscious of the fact that it's a cause at all but that's what gives him his drive and the more purposeful character he is, the greater number of crimes he'll commit. When Antonio Martini had a big gun-battle with the police in Sydney, the first thing he asked for after his capture was an newspaper to see if he'd hit the headlines. Most people would call that crazy egotism but most people haven't been in jail. The psychiatrists would talk about the patient bringing off an coup against his father and that's only one facet of the truth. At the back of all this is the directly-acquired knowledge that, in the present condition of civilisation, all government is bad and the only honourable thing to do is to fight it.

If Martini wanted a theory to back him up he's got it in two words of Lord Acton's, power corrupts. But he doesn't want a theory.

The Howard League struggles for alleviation of conditions. One side of me agrees that it's all very right and proper that a boobhead should get a bit of cheese occasionally. The other side revolts. It's encouraging the rot to continue eating its way in; it's dragging a lot of red herrings across the trail. This isn't necessarily perfectionism. Those old women of the Howard League, the Controller is supposed to have called them. When I see earnest women with glasses and protruding eyes, kicking up a dust about the boobheads only getting a quarter of a pint of milk a day, all I can think of is their innocence and all I can see is a picture of a lot of well-meaning dogs barking at the foot of the smaller trees, while at the top of the giant of the forest sits the well-fed dragon, smoking his pipe and whistling the theme tune of Strawberry Blonde between draws.

Most members of the Howard League still consider the boobhead as an unfortunate member of society; [Superintendent] Obie's name for them at Wenukai prison camp was the derelicts. The way the Bludger [the Superintendent of The Hill prison] thought of them too. The difference between The Bludger's idea of a crimmo up at The Hill, and that of a Howard League higherup is nil. Where they tangle is over the question of treatment. The Bludger wanted the tough way and usually managed to get it. The Howard League member tries in vain for the soft way. It's true that The Bludger puts a few more tough babies on the market, but the H.L. higherup would produce a far larger number of broken-down bums, without purpose, without direction, without energy, almost without life. At least the people know there's something up when the bullets start to fly, whereas they could pass thousands of broken-down bums with their sanctimonious Hoses in the air.

This isn't an argument for tough treatment of prisoners; I'm just trying to tell you a boobhead's a human being, not something in a test tube. You say you know it?

Well you must have imagination because there are lots of people who don't. ... The human voices band isn't built into the radios now, that's all.

So my objections to alleviation of conditions isn't just perfectionism. When the people are able to think of the boobheads as human beings, alleviation of conditions won't apply. Amongst the many different sorts of men who've landed in jail there is one fairly common factor. Owing to one cause or another, usually in early life, their energy has been mainly turned usually into the chanel of destruction. They're not unique in this respect, the we all should know, but usually they've been singled our because they've chosen their own path instead of being surrounded by herd of cobbers, all thinking alike. The energy of one man burned towards destruction is a terrrific thing, that picture of the Gadarene swine wasn't exaggerated. You can't stop energy like that, certainly not with an extra quarter pint of milk a day or some fruit in the morning to keep the bowels open. Your only possible chance it to divert it. So if you're a Howard League member, or even just an ordinary person of goodwill, uninhibited by the idea that there shouldn't be any criminals in God's Own Country, anxious at times to do something about the boobhead, the best thought to have is about the problem of how to turn energy from destruction into creative channels."

- Ian Hamilton, Till Human Voices Wake Us. Auckland: Auckland University Press, 1983 (first published by private subscription, 1953). p. 138-140.

[I’ve read a lot of prison memoirs this year, with many more to come. This may be one of the best. Hamilton was a conscientious objector in New Zealand-Aotearoa during World War 2, a pessimistic socialist humanist, a playwright, and sheep farmer. Just raw but well-directed anger, utter contempt for polite New Zealand settler society and for what he viewed as a growing bureaucratization and dehumanization of society. His frustration here that many good liberal penal reformers, especially in the mid-2oth century, were and are fundamentally just a gentler version of the wardens and tough on crime folk he butted up against confirms my own impressions and research.]

[chorusfm]

Middle Kids – Faith Crisis Pt. 1

It’s a funny feeling when your heart and mind are going in different directions. Middle Kids tackle this concept head on with grace and poise on Faith Crisis Pt. 1, that finds the Sydney-based indie rockers exploring the limits of their sound. While their vision came fully-formed on their sophomore LP, Today We’re The Greatest, Faith Crisis Pt. 1 is a small departure in the direction I would have liked for them to go. But hey, that’s music. Hannah Joy remains as captivating as she’s ever been, and checks all the boxes for what you’d want in an interesting lead vocalist. The band chemistry she shares with Tim Fitz and Harry Day pays off more often than not here. The album was produced by Jonathan Gilmore (The 1975, Beabadoobee) and he does an admirable job of honing in on the band’s strengths. The album is largely inspired by Joy’s conflicts with her faith during the writing process of the band’s third studio album, and features a duo of interludes paired with a noteworthy song on each side of the record. The themes on Faith Crisis Pt. 1 range from euphoria, to self-doubt, all the way back to taking the listener on a journey through Joy’s headspace. Middle Kids are at their best when they trust their instincts and block out the rest of the outside noise in this world. This task is easier said than done, but their lyrical commentary remains top notch. The record opens with a steady bassline on “Petition” before exploding into the bright chorus of, “Are you thinking what I’m thinking / ‘Bout all the ways that things could be different? / I have been listening to your petition / I think that it’s finally sinking in.” Joy’s vocals are crisp, and she seems to be singing with a smile in lines like these that feature a shimmering chorus. Things continue to unfold well on “Dramamine” that starts off with a spiraling guitar riff, paired with some great drumming, while Joy admits, “I used to be the saddest girl that you had ever seen / Just need a couple things to sleep, maybe some dramamine,” while still keeping its true heading on the refrain of, “You are the only reason I believe in anything / I hope you don’t take this the wrong way.” It’s a stark contrast between the two sections of the songs, and showcases some of the internal friction going on with Joy. ”The Blessings” is the first song on the LP to be followed by an interlude, and the bellowing piano strikes in the verses pave way for some crunchy guitar riffing on the chorus to avoid the “trap” of the song sounding too dark. Middle Kids really went down an exploratory path on their third album with songs like this to test the limits of their songwriting and keep themselves motivated as artists. The first single to be released from the set, “Bootleg Firecracker,” follows in the album sequencing, and yet it feels a tad out of place after some of the softer sounds that come through the speakers on the last two songs. While I enjoyed the chorus lyrics of, “I’ll keep moving til I see you cruising in / And I am an average dancer / That’s not the point that I am after,” it all feels a little too restrained for the band that captivated my imagination so strongly on their sophomore set. Things pick up well on the next song of “Highlands” that reminds me of why I fell in love with this band in the first place. From the static intro, to when the bass, drums and guitars all come into sync with Joy’s vocals, everything falls into focus like a jigsaw puzzle connecting each intricate part to finally see the full picture. The best song on the album, “Bend” features the heartfelt lyrics of, “Because I am one bend away from a break / I am one step away from the precipice of crazy / I am holding all the pieces in place / But maybe you’ve got to break me to see what I’m made of,” and they are easy to connect with since many of us are at the cusp of our breaking point with the state of the world. Having someone else go through something similar to ourselves brings a certain facet of comfort and connection on a deeper… https://chorus.fm/reviews/middle-kids-faith-crisis-pt-1/

[kinetic-elaboration]

August 6: Scream 3

Moving along through the Screams with Scream 3. I realized as I was watching that I was sort of looking for reasons to dislike it, which wasn’t really fair. Overall, and trying to be as fair as possible, it was fine, just… long. Kinda exhausting. Despite its best attempts to have some sort of plot or at least through-line or something, and to connect that plot or mystery with Sydney even though she had very little screen time, it didn’t feel so much like a coherent story as just sort of a landscape or a universe, where various random plot points, many of them murder, were happening. And like that’s fine if you enjoy the universe and just want to settle in and be in it for a while. But even though I just finished watching, it already feels like sort of a wash.

I was disappointed that they killed off Cotton so early, because he seemed to me like a character who could be interesting to see develop, a good combination of funny/ridiculous and actually quite menacing. Also, for a franchise, Scream really does kill off most of its decent characters. The ensemble in 2 was nowhere near the level of the ensemble in 1996, and yes I am one of those people who is mad about Randy getting killed in Scream 2.

Gale and Dewey carrying much of the film was fine. I do like them a lot, and their romance was probably one of the stronger story lines in the movie—and one of the more coherent. They’re good at carrying both the mystery (with their intrepid reporter and cop traits) and the humor. In truth, for being a horror-comedy series, I haven’t really been finding the movies all that funny. I would say they’re really primarily horror-slashers. Most of the humor in 1996 was of the meta variety, and when 3 included jokes, they felt, to me, often a bit randomly placed. I mean there were some good ones, like everything about the Carrie Fisher cameo, and most of the stuff with the 2 Gales, and the little joke about the broken statue or the ‘are you threatening me exchange,’ but a rollicking sense of humor did not move the plot swiftly along.

It had some good set pieces, in particular the explosion at the mansion and the encounter between Sydney and Ghostface in “Woodsboro” and I suppose the final killing spree was okay. I was pretty exhausted by that point, kind of done mentally. Also really distracted by the set being the same as the school in H20 lol. I respected the devotion to adding ever more layers of meta—not just referencing the movie-based-on-the-movie but following its actors, visiting its sets—and I liked that, versus Scream 2, it used more of the lore and backstory of the original.

I had mixed feelings about the use of the voice changer as a plot point. On the one hand, that certainly is a way to continue to push the boundaries of the scary voice on the phone, and it’s true that technology, whatever is the cutting edge of it, is a big part of the whole Scream thing. And I also get that this movie was playing around a very little bit with the is the horror psychosis angle, which gets a little deeper when characters legitimately cannot tell who they’re talking to. And yet, though it worked intellectually, somehow I didn’t feel it. I guess I like the familiarity of the Scream killer always approaching first on the phone. That is scary in itself to me, without, like, thinking you’re talking to a loved one first, without that scam of it. It’s hearing the phone ring and immediately being afraid, not having the fear come in later, when the voice switches tones.

I also felt, connecting again to how it was about 10 hours long, that the misdirection with the order of the kills was a little… unnecessary. The same misdirection existed in Scream 2, honestly. How important was it that the first victims had names that matched the Scream 1996 victims? Not very. Similarly, how important was it that a few victims had kill orders that matched the ones in the film? Not at all. And an awful long time was spent following that track, before the film just veered away into something else. Again, this is all fine if you just want to hang out with the Scream characters for 2 hours. It’s only a complain on the level of, like, plot.

And then finally, the Maureen stuff. I…. have such mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I appreciated a lot of it. I liked that they fleshed Maureen out, I liked that we saw Sydney’s trauma return to the loss of her mom, I liked that we saw the ways in which Maureen herself was a victim, the why of her only alluded to unhappiness. And I think it was quite ballsy for a film like this, essentially a fun slasher, to get right up to saying the r-word, so that even without it, we all know we’re talking about a rape. But then somehow it all became about Maureen the villain again, didn’t it? The rape seemed like it was just there to explain the brother’s existence, and then to put another sin at Maureen’s feet: that she didn’t want to accept a child born of rape into her home. Well, she shouldn’t have to. That’s what I think. So what am I supposed to feel for Roman? Sympathy because his mom rejected him? Disgust because he’s the killer? Surprise at the twist and not much else because just like every Ghostface, he’s another interchangeable horror psychopath? What was that extended hand holding with Sydney at his (first) death? Was that supposed to be meaningful and deep?

I wish the killer had been a secret sister and not a brother, and that her purpose was to draw attention to Maureen’s rape. The Sydney Prescott story is famous, so you leverage that with another meta layer of murders, and leave clues about Maureen at each one, hoping at last someone will uncover her story and right the long-ago injustice. As Sydney says early on, none of the murders would have happened if her mother wasn’t… the way she was, and why was she like that? Because of entitled male violence. And the man behind the assault, if not the rapist than the instigator, the one who created the situation in which it happened, doesn’t even feel bad! And his kill is so short and unsatisfying, like an afterthought. The killer-sister would have planned to frame him, and she would still be the villain, and Sydney would still defeat her, but their final handshake would have real meaning, because she's sympathetic, and she’s a counter to all of the scuzzy men who have inhabited the franchise so far (I don’t mean all of them (Dewey) but see my notes on Scream 2).

And if it’s too unrealistic to have a female horror director in 2000, she could be the woman playing Sydney (by the way, a weird sort of sleeper favorite character of mine, among the smaller parts, I don’t know why): the big sister who wanted the life of her little sister, identifying with her, feeling she is her. Maybe part of her plan is not that Sydney takes the blame for her murders but that Sydney joins her in the murders, really and legitimately. Maybe she even considers it, for a brief moment. But only very brief, because of course, Sydney would never do that.

I will say I liked the ending a great deal, especially as an intended finale for the whole “trilogy.” A happy ending for our surviving characters, and a happy ending for Sydney, and the happiness is shown by the way she lives her life openly and with friends, not shut off, not isolated, not scared. The door swinging open in a breeze, and left open: that was really, really good.

[aro-with-bad-aim]

Anna karenina: review and final thoughts

tw: talk of suicide, talk of death

It has been many weeks, and I’m finally finished. As much as I loved the book, I’m so glad I’m finished. Anna karenina is a book I have wanted to read for years, ever since I read its reference in a series of unfortunate events. Im a massive fan of tragedy, and this book didn’t let me down. It was an emotional rollercoaster, I laughed, I cried, I questioned my thought processes and my life.

I have so much to say, so I’m gonna start with the few things I didn’t like. Firstly, the pacing was a little off for me. I understand and love how the mundane elements of life were used to juxtapose the chaos, but 5 pages on cutting grass is overkill. Also the mildly racist joke in part 8 wasn’t great. The rest of the book was so progressive, it was a let down. It’s probably just a “sign of the times” but it still wasn’t great. Also dolly deserved better, she should have left her husband.

Moving onto the positives, Im gonna start with the characters. It feels only appropriate to start with Anna. Anna’s character development was insane. She went from a mildly dissatisfied woman in a well off lifestyle to a suicidal, anxious and unstable woman. Reading her repeatedly talk herself in and out of suicide was an experience I can’t describe. It was one of the most emotionally impactful parts of the book, I genuinely cried. She was a character I could never hate. I don’t condone cheating, especially for the reasons she did it for, but she made it feel like it was ok. She made it feel like she was in the right, which she definitely wasn’t. She was such a loveable character and it worked so well for the story. She’s such an interesting tragic hero, an amazingly well written character and the perfect foil for levin. I could go on but I would be up all night writing about this.

Vronsky was one of my least favourite characters. Not because he was poorly written, he was an amazingly written character, but because of how he was portrayed through the eyes of Anna. He came off as easily bored of relationships, and neglectful. Whether this is accurate is debatable, but this is how he was portrayed as through Anna. Thinking about it now, his and Anna’s relationship kinda reminds me of Sydney and jedidahs relationship in camp here and there, but with an unhappy ending and a whole lot more unhealthy. Both Anna and Sydney were completely obsessed and devoted to their partners, to the point of destruction, while - for their own individual reasons- jedidiah and vronsky tried to distance themselves. (I actually can’t believe I just made that comparison). He was dehumanised through his reaction to Anna’s death, where his true feelings were shown.

Levin was a perfect foil for Anna, and the perfect symbol of reason. He was rational to a fault, leading to his often suicidal thoughts. He needed meaning and purpose, and he would unintentionally rationalise himself out of it. He was often arrogant and rude which made him mildly irritating, but was also one of the most relatable characters for me in the book. His relationship with kitty was also the perfect foil for Anna’s and vronskys. His second proposal with the chalk was cute, it was very unique and I loved it, despite my hate for the romance genre. I cannot express how much I love the ending and how levin found peace with himself. I love how it wasn’t within a specified religion, I love how it wasn’t an easy process, I love it so much. It’s perfect.

Finally, kitty. Kitty was my favourite character. From the very beginning I loved her character so much, she worked so well with all the bother characters and she was so well written. She had her insecure and arrogant moments, but she was a caring character throughout. She found herself in a similar way to levin at the beginning of the book, however it was within Christianity. I loved how she didn’t care whether levin beloved or not, she loved him regardless. She was also a perfect foil for Anna. While she did get jealous, she always resolved it in a healthier way to Anna. She loved her child, contrasting Anna’s distain for her daughter. Also I’m still convinced she had a crush on varenka. Her mum literally said “my daughter is in love with you” to varenka. I love how they stayed friends and in touch throughout the book as well. She was the only main character who didn’t want to kill herself as far as I can remember.

I loved how ahead of its time this book was, with many progressive ideas and characters. The way the themes were shown were amazing as well. It’s main themes of purpose, love and life/death were consistently portrayed in insightful ways and never felt rushed.

To conclude, I still stick by what I said when I began. This book is like a soap opera, if everyone wanted to kill themselves. I would fully recommend this book to anyone looking for a book with deeper meanings or any fans of classic lit. This book lived up to all my expectations and more. :)

[prcphesieslie]

“ he is a weapon, a killer . do not forget it . you can use a spear as a walking stick , but that will not change its nature . ”

~ madeline miller 

Look who just woke up- is that MATTHEW DADDARIO? No, I must have been mistaken, that’s QUINTON PAYNE (OC; ares) from PERCY JACKSON. I heard he is 28 and stuck here just like everyone else. Even in the 20’s, they still give off a SIGNATURE TWIN EYE ROLL, YEARS OF PINT UP ANGER MELTING INTO GUILT, FLOORS AND COUNTER TOP COVERED IN EMPTY BOTTLES, BLOODY BANDAGES COVERING BUSTED KNUCKLES, DINTED FLASK ALWAYS TUCKED IN HIS RIGHT BACK POCKET impression. But here, they are working as a STREET FIGHTER/BARTENDER. They’re known to be quite PROTECTIVE & LOYAL, but have a tendency to be CYNICAL & AGGRESSIVE on their bad days.

Gender/Pronouns ::

cis male ;; he/him

How long have they been in Sydney?

two years

Which suburb do they live in?

king’s cross; owns a very shitty apartment

Personality Description ::

Strangers :: Quinton is an asshole. Such an asshole. Do not walk to close, stare, or god forbid you bump into him. He will ruin any shred of confidence you have just with his words. if he doesn't just bunch you in the face and send you to the hospital. he's been to jail. he's really not afraid of going back.

Friends :: quinton doesn't really have any friends. he has acquaintances. and same rules apply to them as they do strangers, except he's less likely to hit you. the only difference is, if someone messes with one of his acquaintances, he'll beat the shit out of the person messing with them, but he's likely to claim it's just because he hasn't been in a fight for a while.

Family / Close Friends :: Quinton's close friends are his family and he won't put up with anyone saying they aren't. he will do anything for them. absolutely anything. literally... anything. but do be warned, he is still an asshole, but everything is said with love instead all encompassing hatred and spite. if he hugs you, you know he thinks the world of you. but if he says he loves you, you're his entire world.

Memories of their real life ::

Life was never good to Quinton Payne. 

Actually, life was a fucking bitch to him. Losing everyone he cared about turned him even more jaded than he’d once been. 

But it all started when he was growing up. The son of ares was born a few minutes before his twin sister to an alcoholic mother who couldn’t give less of a shit about her children. Being twins, they attracted more monsters than some, but the twins always found a way to handle it. But that didn’t stop their mother from always finding something to blame the two children for. Quinton didn’t shed a single tear for her the day they found out she’d died. His only thought was protecting and caring for his ‘little sister’. 

They ended up on the streets after that, refusing be put into a system that would likely tear them apart in the end. Quinton always did his best to shield Frankie from the true cruelty of the world, but he knew his sister. She was off doing gods know what when he was selling his body, stealing, dealing, and street fighting to earn them anything he could. There were days he wouldn’t eat just to make sure there was enough for Frankie to be somewhat comfortable. But the toll this life took was undeniable even if he was good at hiding it. A satyr came for them when they older than most others, but not before Quinton had already began slipping into a life of alcohol and drug abuse. 

Just another trait he could thank his mother for. 

But camp? Gods, Quinton fucking hated camp. He hated the gods. He hated everything. But not his sister. Gods, never his sister. Soon enough he added two others to that list as well- Luke Castellan and Cassandra Baron. Cassie was the baby sister he’d never had. She fit in perfectly with him and Frankie, never once scared of their darkness and chaos. If anything she delighted in it even more than he did. She and Frankie were terrifying together, but he loved them more than anything. 

But Luke… Luke was- he knew it was never going to end well. Right from the start, but it never stopped him. 

Luke was his best friend, something he’d never had before camp. Sure, he had Frankie and she would always mean the world to him, but it was different. Frankie was his sister, they’d gone through everything together growing up. Luke hadn’t been there before the trauma, the drugs, and the alcohol, but he still stuck around anyway and he didn’t have to. He understood Quinton in a way no one else had ever bothered to. And he’d starting realizing all too late that maybe the love he had for the other man was a little more than just platonic. 

So when Luke created his army, Quinton didn’t hesitate to join, knowing Frankie would be right behind him and so would Cassie. He’d always been too eager to get in a fight, so a war against the gods he hated? It was… well, a god send. But nothing prepared him for the slow descent into madness, despair, and death he was about to experience. Oh, if only he’d known what his best friend had planned. 

Everything was good in the beginning, never far from Luke’s side as they planned how to destroy the gods that had held them down for so long. But the farther the Luke he knew seemed to slip away, the more Quinton fell back into his own ways. Drugs, sex, and alcohol became his favorite pass times, using things harder than he ever had before. Fights became a daily experience. His uncanny ability to piss off anyone just by being near them and his shortening temper made sure of that. Almost always ending in whoever was on the other side of fight being sent to the medics almost completely unrecognizable. 

But it all came to a head the day Luke gave his body over to Kronos. 

He’d been with him that day same as he almost always was. But what he hadn’t been expecting was the kiss. Luke pulled him down, pressing their lips together as a last goodbye, and not a day went by afterwards that Quinton didn’t wish he’d held his best friend just a little tighter in those moments. Because he knew what it meant… everything as it had been was coming to an end, and there was nothing he could do to stop it. 

Quinton had never cried before. Not even when his own mother had died, but that night he’d sobbed. Clutching his pillow to his face so no one would hear him, he mourned a love he knew he would now never experience. He should have spoken up. But it had never been the time. They had a war to win. 

But the days that followed? He became a shell of himself… the drugs turned harder, the liquor more frequent, and the fights… he was beginning to lose. Because winning was no longer the main goal in his mind. He wanted the pain they brought. He wanted to hurt- to feel anything that wasn’t the pit of hopeless, empty despair that had begun to form inside of him. 

The day the final battle of Manhattan came, he wanted to believe that victory was their’s, but his original hope in their cause had been replaced by something else. Something dark and all encompassing. In a moment of weakness, he decided to shoot up right before it began. Maybe if he hadn’t things would have been different. Maybe he would have been able to save the ones he cared for the most, but in the moment, he wasn’t thinking about any of that. He just wanted to feel something. It was so stupidly selfish. 

When the fighting broke out, it was chaos. He lost sight of Frankie and Cassie, but he stayed by Luke’s side. It was the only place he wanted to be. Until Kronos took over completely with a single thought in mind- kill the one thing still keeping Luke human. The titan taunted the son of ares the entire fight. He was using the body of the man he loved to kill him. Quinton managed to fight him off long enough to escape, but not before the titan struck a devastating blow to his abdomen, sword cutting straight through him. 

The rest of the battle was a blur as he tried to stay conscious, but he felt it the moment Luke died. Later, he was told what he felt was himself blacking out from blood loss. But he knew better. The way it felt like his heart broke in his chest. That wasn’t his death, but it might as well have been. 

Waking up when the battle was finally over, he would never forgetting the cry that left his throat when he heard the words now permanently seared in his memory. The medic giving him their condolences followed by three names…

Frankie. 

Cassie. 

Luke. 

In seconds, he lost his entire world. Everyone he had ever loved- gone. Just like that. In an instant, he was completely and utterly alone. 

His heart might not have stopped beating, but that was the day Quinton Payne died. 

Memories of their fake life ::

His parents called him a problem child because to them that’s all he was. They saw the substance abuse and the fighting and wrote it off as pointless calls for attention because why would their son ever be depressed? They kicked him out not long after it all started. He’s been in between bar jobs and street fighting ever since. Doing his best not to get wrapped back up into dealing like he was in his real life. It didn’t end too well for him the first time. 

Wanted Connections ::

Other Children of Ares

People Who Knew Growing Up on the Street (oc)

Fake Life Siblings

People He's Sold To

Other Fighters

Coworkers