#and when i see “trans elders” going on about how “if you pass and got on hrt before 18 you're not trans like i am��� i'm like. why! what!

[tinystepsforward]

ngl it makes me want to die a little bit that it's so often trans people who feel that sex is mutable but oppression is always-forever based on asab in ways that allow them to demand that information from other trans people. like it feels fucking bad. it feels bad when it's people holding up someone who posts a lot of selfies as transition goals to a degree they have to clarify what they have or haven't done or what "direction" they're going in, it feels worse when people are out there like "caster semenya is not tma" or whatever the fuck. i am, as always, not a trans woman, but here's a sentiment echoed by many of the trans women around me who log the fuck off, quoted directly from one: "people who draw a clear line where they say that semenya or khelif are tme and then call me tma are just calling me male at this point".

like i get it. i really do. we seek community and shared experiences, and we feel betrayed when people have less in common with us than we thought they did. [*more on this later.] but that's not those people's faults and my god in the case i'm seeing play out on twitter rn this poor person did absolutely nothing to intentionally mislead people, just posted pictures of their actual kid self. who looks a lot like i did, because shockingly enough "we can always tell" doesn't fucking work for trans people either!

on the one hand i move in intersex circles which are unapologetically welcoming in cis "dyadic" people with pcos, because it serves nobody to draw a clear line where mutilation or genetics or some ineffable childhood suffering are what make somebody intersex, especially when most of us (esp in places like nz) have never been karyotyped and are being treated for symptoms without a pinned-down cause anyway. the more of us there are the stronger we are, the more pressure we can exert on a medical profession which doesn't like to consider how common outliers are, how uneasy sex is at all. and then on the other hand there's dyadic trans people on the internet who've yelled me out of spaces because a couple of traumatised incarcerated trans women i worked with as a prison abolitionist assumed i was also a trans woman and i didn't immediately tell them my entire csa-involved history of being sexed in varying ways as an infant and child and/or exactly how big my phallus was at birth or where in my junk config my urethra lives so they could decide i was tme or whatever.

returning to the * for a related but not identical thought: i think presuming shared experiences leads to some fucked shit in general! "oh we all had a radfem phase" or "oh we all were channers" no we fucking weren't and it's particularly obnoxious when me & mine are trying to build trans community locally to organise and resist the growing wave of far-right backlash against our existence, and there's just white people in there on a spectrum from "straight up being antisemitic and trying to get the n-word pass" through "handwringing about how they need to make space for people who aren't politically correct" to "handwringing about how brown people are right to be mad at them but doing shit fuckall". and then the other fucking brown people in the space are on some identity politics shit where they're like "trans joy inherently excludes those of us who could get deported" or "big city white queers are killing us by being visible instead of going stealth bc it stirs up the discourse" or whatever the fuck i've heard pulled out this year. there's a bunch of reasons i primarily organise outside of trans spaces and that's one of them. i've never felt more alone in spaces where people claim we're all the same than being left as the brownest moderator or organiser in a space full of people to whom "this is a safe trans space" apparently means they get to abdicate all other responsibilities not to lapse into presumed shared patterns that are fucking racist or otherwise alienating. i've never felt more alone than surrounded by exclusively trans people who sort people into boxes and assume everyone in those boxes has the transition goals they have. like i was on cypro until it disagreed with me to the point of endocrine crisis and now i'm on t and at both those points people were so fucking presumptive or entitled to my reasons or journey or personal relationship w my body

literally just submitted on (and was invited to consult on) the nz law commission's review of the human rights act and like. it's straight up fucked how many nz trans people fully do not comprehend that any "sex assigned at birth" type definitions fundamentally exclude migrants who have no way of proving it and many intersex people who happen to have been reassigned later or many times or never assigned at all as a baby. we can't make law with this shit and that's why we have to have symmetrical protections for all genders/sexes/expressions/presentations, bc naming and defining a protected class here often leaves the people who already are left out from those shared experiences of marginalisation out in the cold when they face violence

[blueheartedwolf]

Thinking about how I’m gonna have to fly home for a family thing and once again be the only trans person in a 50 mile radius

[bequeerdodopemonkshit]

Hi, it's just your friendly neighborhood trans uncle or the reason why you should live in fear depending on how you voted.

A lot of young queer folks don't remember the Plague. They don't remember seeing your elders waste away. They don't remember the things they said about us. They don't remember how the Government waited for us to die out. They don't remember how hospitals wouldn't treat us. They don't remember how the police brutalized us.

History doesn't repeat, but it often rhymes. It won't be like it was in the 1980s and 1990s. It won't be like it was in early 00s or 2010s. It won't be like it is now. But it will come back again as it always does. Because there will always be weak people, weak people who need a caste system to feel powerful without doing a damn thing.

However, there is one more thing that will also always remain the same: We will still be here.

So you, baby queer living in a red state, you baby queer living in a liberal city that still keeps you from getting the things you need, this part is to you.

Your community needs it's soon to be elders. It needs you to be here to remember. Because when it circles back around again (and it will circle back around again), you have to stay long enough to get old. So you can pass on the message I am passing onto you, the message that was passed onto me by my elders (even as they knew their time on this Earth wasn't long), we will still be here.

So drink water. Rest. Eat comfort foods. Read your favorite fan fiction. Block bigots. You deserve to get old. But that means you gotta stay. Even if I have to drag you kicking and screaming through this life. Because we got promises to keep and miles to go until we sleep.

Marsha didn't throw a brick just for you to give up now.

[queertranshappiness]

The last few days have been hard, news wise, for us. However, we still want to celebrate a bit of joy we had, because it's important:

There's an older transmasc nonbinary person who we met through a mentorship program, who we have meetings with occasionally to talk through things and get advice. He helped us today, and we want to tell you what he said (with some of our thoughts attached), incase it helps someone else tonight, or whenever you see this.

The world is cruel at the moment, and life is a bit shit. There's bad stuff everywhere. When life is like this, the important question to ask is 'how can I make things better in someone else's little world, and my little world?', and 'how can I do what's not done before?'. When you can't see the forest for the trees, it feels like it never ends. But it will end someday, and we've got to get through it. The only way we will is by taking action. Do fun stuff and support your friends. Write poetry and essays, tell your story to others. Coin new terms, flags and create new neopronoun sets that make you or others, even if it's just 1 person, feel heard. Tell someone they are loved today. Donate to organisations fighting the good fight. Find, create, and spread resources. Be as visible as you safely can, and please... don't give in to the people on reddit or twitter or wherever they are who tell you we are doomed, or that it is not worth fighting. That will get us nowhere. And if you do believe that... we understand why you feel that way, but even in your desire for a better world there is the chance of positive change. Don't dash that chance before you can take it. In his words: 'there is another world you haven't yet seen'.

So, despite it all, we've decided to launch a new project with our uni's trans society, which we are helping to run this year... and we're very excited about where it could go, if we can make it work. We might end up putting details here, someday. But we don't think we'd have had the courage to do that without talking to him.

Even on days like this... we still had some pretty cool stuff happen. We went out with our queerplatonic partner in person for the first time since the beginning of summer, and got to see an exhibition on one of our biggest special interests, which he may now be into. (/lh) We managed to pass a grading for our martial arts club, which was very cool. Why do we bring these up? Because even in days like this, in a dark world full of hateful politicians... our joy matters and is sacred.

So please, no matter what, keep on fighting, in whatever ways you can. Keep on dreaming, keep hold of your desire for a better world. To the degree you can, hold onto hope, even if it's of the smallest thing getting better, whether that be queer-related or not.

Trans and queer elders are sacred. They are some of the community's best weapons for fighting this current hateful political bubble, and many of them have been through similar waves to the one we are currently in. Their wisdom and experiences can help us. They inspire us, show us a future where we can be happy, and pave the way for a better world. In the future, we will do the same for the next generation of queer and trans youth... but we have to be there to support them. So keep on going and take it day by day, so when the sun rises again, whenever that may be... you can help someone who was in the same situation as you in the past not have to fight quite so hard. Be an elder, not a martyr. That's how we'll fix things in this world.

[revanchistsuperstar]

holy hell, have I just had the throwback of a lifetime. dude, way on back when I was a confused unhappy little early-pubescent grub (11-14), I was obsessed with cosplay (still am) and would spend time religiously trawling deviantart and tumblr for crossplay advice, ways to bind and masculinize my face and walk and talk and comport myself more masculinely. I kept saying it was for character accuracy, but of course, there was more to it than that.

to shorten it all up, this tutorial of yours https://www.tumblr.com/revanchistsuperstar/70647041474/new-and-improved-ftm-crossplay-tutorial-if-you?source=share came up on my pinterest earlier and threw me back, after not seeing it for years now. I didn't even remember you were from middle tennessee! I googled the title of the tutorial to see if I could find the OG post, and was so glad to see you're still active on this account so many years later.

I just wanted to tell you that that tutorial was very impactful for me as a fellow southern queer kid. while I never did figure out how to make it work on my chubby, puffy little child face at the time (have gotten a bit better at makeup lately, still no pro but certainly better,) it was something to aspire to, and it was something that got me through a lot of waiting and confusion and self-discovery, knowing I *could* look like a man eventually, whatever that meant for me.

thank you for posting your tutorials online. I'm sure I'm not the only queer kid you've helped simply by being out and proud, but I wanted to tell you personally about how much you helped me survive puberty, the aspirations of passing, or at least being happy in myself regardless. I finally fully accepted myself at the end of last year, and came out to my parents early this year. It's been a lot to cope with, but life feels more promising now that I'm not hiding, and that I can seek medical transition knowing myself.

again, thank you so much for posting your tutorials. your pride has positively impacted me, and no doubt many others. I truly hope you've been well this past decade, and may the future remain bright for you. <3

Holy shit! Well way to go, and best of luck!

That tutorial is over 10 years old, that’s wild.

Believe it or not, I had my gender in no way figured out whatsoever when I was posting those, took me forever to realize what I had going on. I’ve been out as trans of some sort since 2011, but I only came out as a gay trans man and started medically transitioning a little over a year and a half ago.

But yeah I’ve been doing drag now for about 13 years! Vastly improved since the DeviantArt days lol. I now work professionally as a hair and makeup artist for stage and occasionally screen, so that’s what over a decade of plugging away at something can get you.

Glad the tutorial was helpful for you, being that it was one of the only masculinizing makeup tutorials out there on the internet at the time that I made it, its had pretty far reaching effects. Recently I’d been settling in to realizing that even though I’m only in my 30s, because I started drag in my teens I’m now becoming an elder of the drag king art form and as my co-producer from my drag troupe put it, I’m the Velvet Underground of drag kings. 🤣 But I’m glad it helped with your gender feels too!

Keep on keeping on!

[zero-insignificance]

DND Recap: Don't Lose Your Head

Cast includes: Rose the Dm, Alfie (yours truly), Rene, Truk, Patrick, Bob (split custody between me and Rose) and THE RETURN OF MARK, the human.

Our party is full of crazy powerful individuals + Patrick and a guy.

We open in the Capitol City of Russia. We still don't have a name.

We're getting ready for the wedding.

The Nap Sack rustles and out comes Mark who is immediately tackled in a hug by Alfie.

Mark thinks it's only been 12 hours. It has been a week since he last saw the party.

The party catches him up on what has happened, which is a lot. Alfie tells him that he's a god and asks him if that changes how he feels about him. And it doesn't since Alfie has lived most of his life as a mortal. Then he introduces the newest party members. Truk and Rene. And I knew that Truk and Mark would either hate each other or they would become best friends (maybe lovers).

Back in the feywilds, Mark promised Alfie that he would tell him his name when they escaped. Alfie never told him what Alfie is short for.

Mark waits for Bob to leave, and Bob is like "Understandable" and leaves.

Mark's name is Malekus. He and Alfie do a name swap cuz Alfie just never mentioned that he's trans or that Alfie is short for Alfonse.

Mark wants to spar with Truk.

Bob comes back. Hank the orb wants to talk with Mark to welcome him back and Alfie does this:

Alfie: This person's my best friend *points to Mark* this person's my best friend points to Truk this person's my best uhhhh points at Patrick and shrugs and this person is my best friend points to Bob Bob: I've been bequeathed the title of best friend by Alfie? I do not deserve this…

And Hank tells them "Don't worry Bob, you'll get an even better title." And Bob is like "What? What do you mean?" and Hank is like "You and Alfie get together in the end." and Alfie is like "What?" and Bob is like "What?" and Hank is like "Oh, that's way after the cat dies." And Alfie just looks at Bob and is like "After your redemption arc? Sure." and Bob is just blushing like "I'm going to get married???" and Hank is like "Autistic ADHD asexual queer power couple. It's fate."

Bob asks what he can do to help with the wedding, and one of those headcanons I've had about Bob is that he can't be trusted in the kitchen but he's really good with plants.

Alfie: You can't be trusted in the kitchen Bob: *sad british boi* I know... Alfie: But we need someone to do flowers! Bob: *lights up* Really? I have quite the green thumb! Alfie: Yeah, I can see that. His thumb is literally green Bob: Yeah. got a little overzealous with the fabric dye. So, what were you and Fluffy thinking of? Alfie: We were thinking of wisteria hanging from the ceiling, but we're doing it outdoors. Bob: One wisteria tree coming up! Can I have my baja blast smoke bombs? Alfie: But you have smoke bombs? Bob: But these ones aren't green... Alfie: Okay.

And Bob throws a smoke bomb and there's a Bugs Bunny style hole in the ground. He is gone.

We walk through town when Alfie spots a very familiar building. A neon pink building that says "Sha'am" with a familiar face.

ShaCarri, the Sha'am Shop Owner. Everyone is like "I would." I'm aro ace but if I wasn't I would.

Alfie: SHA'AM?! ShaCarri: Hello my fine feathered friend! Alfie: How the fuck did you get here? ShaCarri: That portal you made in the town. We've expanded! Alfie: It's still open? ShaCarri: How else did you think the Rum Rums showed up? Alfie: Oh. That makes sense. ShaCarri: Why are there mushrooms everywhere? Alfie: We banished the elder Rum Rum, so they've broken free of the hive mind control thing. ShaCarri: Would your friend like a pet? Mark's Player: I would like Dogmeat. Me: From Fallout 4? Mark's Player: Yes Rose: Let me see if I can find a stat sheet for that. Rose: I can't find one. Me: I have an idea. I saw this earlier on TikTok from fluffy.folio.

Mark passes on it but Bob's face lights up.

Bob: *awestruck* Can I have him? ShaCarri: *surprised* Uh... sure! Bob: *pays ShaCarri* I'm going to name you Templeton. Bob adores Templeton. "my son" Mark: Give me Dogmeat. ShaCarri: FINE. I really liked them though And ShaCarri pulls out a pokeball marked "DM" which we assume to mean Dogmeat.

Mark lets them out and a little Rose person pops out.

Cheese Sandwich and Pinkie Pie are planning the reception.

Mark and Truk are going to spar in the castle arena. Alfie is on cake with his adoptive dad Ollie. Patrick is on clearing the courtyard because Viktor was slacking on landscaping and embezzling those funds. He grabs a lawn mower and removes the blade, replacing it with his Sword of Midas he won from a game of Liars Dice.

I do not have the je ne sais quoi to write how fucking good the fight was between Truk and Mark.

Mark is raging, Truk goes first dealing 46 damage. Mark: THAT’S THE SPIRIT! *spits out blood*  Mark is using his 3 section staff of the mighty. Marks first attack is a nat 20 being a 31. It hits Second attack is 21 it hits. 3rd attack is a 21 it hits. Truk has 198 health. Mark deals 92 damage in total Truk: *spits out blood* That’s the spirit. Mark does a menacing attack. Truk is forced 5 feet back. Truk laughs “I haven’t felt like this in years” “You’ve never fought anyone like me.” I ship it. 106 for Truk, 105 for Mark. It’s a very violent clash. Patrick: You’re both attractive! We get it! KISS ALREADY. Bob: I ship it. Mark parries some of the damage. Mark is at 52 hp. Each of Marks attacks hit plus action surge and menacing attack. 6 attacks are done. 2 menacing attacks Truk: COME ON HIT ME. 74 damage halved. Truk is at 32 health. Truk spits out more blood “My turn.” Both Truk’s attacks hit. Truk does 67 damage. Mark parries. Mark is not killed. Mark is at 11 hp. Truk is at 32. All three of Mark's attacks hit. Truk is at 1 hp.

He falls and uses his greatclub to launch himself back up.

And Rose has the perfect song that Truk's player requested

“I’M STILL STANDING AFTER ALL THIS TIME~”

He throws the great club at Mark 17 damage. Halved Mark is a 2 hp Truk throws his great sword Mark parries. He’s still standing. Truk: *russian* ONLY FISTS. FIGHT ME. Mark: I UNDERESTIMATED YOU, TRUK. AND I APOLOGIZE FOR THAT. Truk: I FORGIVE YOU!

And Mark CHARGES at Truk. And he collides with him.

Patrick is concerned since there is just a lung on the muddy ground and Bob just yoinks the lung and goes back to Templeton.

And Truk smiles before falling to the ground, unconscious.

Alfie is like "What the fuck happened" cuz he has cupcakes that way everyone can try some of the cake flavors. Patrick gives Mark a firm pat on the back making him face plant on the ground.

In Rose's words "That was a better fight scene than I could ever hope to write."

Alfie does a medicine check to heal up Mark, Rene is working on Truk. They are fine-ish now.

Everyone has a cupcake. Bob summons a brisket for both Mark and Truk. The feast on the briskets. A friendship lasting a lifetime is made.

There is a mail person with a package for a Truk Albert.

He takes the package and opens it and immediately drops the box with a look of horror on his face.

In the box is Brick's head. His father is dead.

And he can feel the power coming to him and he sobs as he tries to push it away. Desperately trying to push it away.

Thozall killed Brick and Alfie gives him a hug and Mark vows to help avenge Brick's death (oath of vengeance paladin)

Truk stands up upon hearing a voice. Thozall's voice and he shrugs Alfie off of him. Truk punches Thozall. "That's not a way to great your brother~" It doesn't hit.

Rayna punches him and it hits doing 70 damage. He shrugs it off and rotates a ring and says: "I wish you all unconscious."

And everyone falls asleep.

We wake up hours later. Thozall took all the cupcakes, and left Brick's head at Truk's feet.

And Bob casts speak with dead.

"What are your three questions?"

"What are Thozall's weaknesses?" "Thozall has no weaknesses." "What are his resistances?" "Thozall is resistant to all magic damage."

Bob is like *cocks shotgun in british* "So he's not immune to gun."

And the last question is for Truk.

Truk: You never said it, and I know it was because you had your own issues. But I need to know. Did you love me, dad? Brick: I loved you more than the world.

(I started crying writing that)

And Brick's head falls still.

Bonus content:

Truk’s player: I’m a cheap whore. Bob: You can’t afford me. Rando: *slides 25 platinum pieces over* Bob: o.o uh… 25 platinum? Rando: *nods* Bob: If I take this, what will I be agreeing to? Rando: I need you to take someone out. Bob: Oh, you’re asking me to be an assassin? *pulls out notebook* Name, age, description? Rando: I need you to take out Big Pete. Night club owner. Terrible to the women he employs Bob: Oh I hate Big Pete. I worked in that club. Truk: You’re a stripper? Bob: Drag Queen. *taking the money* I’d do this for free, but I’m fey and I need payment.

Bob gets 25 platinum pieces to take out Big Pete, a nightclub owner.

[penwrythepersonal]

CW // Personal Vent over internalized homophobia and enbyphobia within the LGBTQ+ community

I got heavily triggered last night over absolute bullshit, so strap yourself in because ahhhhhhhhHHHHHHHH-

Have you ever seen harmful discourse over labels and the invisible massive harm that everyone is doing to themselves and towards others because of the said discourse (and resulting callouts and creepy people doing account monitoring on those they deem problematic because of discourse)?

I thought we learned by now that recycling hate was never a good look in this community. But nope, it's okay for some fucking reason!

I refuse to participate in this hate. I'm nonbinary. About half a decade ago, a lot of people hated us because they didn't understand us. People got harassed to hell and back over that, even though there was literally no harm in being nonbinary. I remember that. Does anyone remember that???

It's back but in a different form! New hate! Do you love it? I fucking don't!

Sorry for the vaguing, but I don't want to get involved in the discourse. I am so tired and scared of what's happening in my country. Please don't hurt me.

Community-wide homophobia is awful. I have filtered tags and keywords for the label discourse on all my accounts, but I still see it every day. Do you have any idea what the phrase "[label redacted] people don't exist" sounds like to me?????

"Nonbinary people don't exist" was normal five/ten years ago. That's hate. That's hate to me. I heard that in my own community. Remember that people got harassed over a harmless gender label. There is no harm in being nonbinary. Want to see what it was like? I suggest watching this video: Kalvin Garrah | Dangers of Transtrender bullying

Content warning for the video: suicide attempt mention, harassment, transphobia, homophobia

That wasn't too long ago! And I still see it now. Why are we repeating this hate today over sexuality labels???

Don't dare to bring the discourse here. I want no part of it. Do not fucking hurt me. Do not. Please don't hurt me.

Some of you are twenty-something years old, young adults justifying harassment over minors, and other adults over labels you don't understand. Do you have any idea what you are doing? What you are repeating?

It's terrifying. Imagine one day someone decided that your name can't be used ever again because of problematic discourse long after you passed. But you used that name when you were alive, why it's bad now? Why?

*Explains why it's bad now*

Okay, I get that, but why it's was okay for you to use back then?! It's bad now, don't you know?

A week or two ago, I made a post that we need more LGBTQ elder representation. There's a reason why I made it. Not just that elders represent our future and past, but also that we existed far beyond this current era.

For the people who keep saying "trans/nonbinary is new" we fucking existed long before this current era.

For the people who keep saying "[label redacted] is new" take a long hardass look at that D//kes To Look Out For Comic script by Alison Bechdel that's been going around posts as of late.

Just for the record, I'm not a fan of the [label redacted]. I find it odd and contradictory, I much prefer sapphic or biflux instead. But I'm not going to recycle hate against people who use that label or support it. I refuse to do that. I don't want to be another Kalvin Garrah.

How long did it take to for us nonbinary folk to be accepted after the discourse around us ran dry? Five years? Ten?

How long until the current discourse around [label redacted] runs itself dry? Oh, the water looks a little low now, given how much I keep seeing the muted label on my timeline. Won't be long until my hesitance to accept it will look a little odd to some people. Then to a lot of people. Then to an entire community. Then to an entire generation.

I'll give it five years. Ten at the longest.

I'll be 37, and 42 for the latter. Oh, can't wait for people to look at me like I'm some outdated self-hating gay. People thought [label redacted] was bad back then, really? What were they thinking?

Yeah, what are we thinking now? What are you thinking now?? Will you be the same five/ten years from now?

Ten years ago, I thought I was straight cis woman. I was 22 and I remember praying for the lost souls of gay people because I thought they needed saving. Then I realized I was bisexual after giving a good thought about my sexual attraction (girls and guys are hot, who knew). It took me longer to realize I was also nonbinary, too. Unfortunately, I was one of those people who thought nonbinary people "doesn't exist". But now, I'm here. I am nonbinary (fuck gender)

Did you know there's an anti-bisexual community on this site? There's also an anti-pansexual community here, too. Don't forget the anti-neopronoun people still kicking around!

Odd fuckers they are. What were they thinking?

Why do we keep recycling hate?

[i-am-amy-amy-is-me]

Fool’s Gold

@normal-horoscopes, I remember seeing an ask you had, someone asking what was a ‘true name’ for trans people, and you compared it to the difference between real gold and fool’s gold. (I’d link it but I can’t find it)

It got me inspired, and I ended up writing this thing. I hope you enjoy it.

The Seer has told me to write what troubled me. I don’t know how they knew, but I refuse to ignore them. Advice is rarely free, and theirs should never be ignored.

I.. I guess that means I’ll have to actually talk about it. Well then.

No one knew, but then again, how could they? None can tell the difference. When I was born and I was given my Medallion, I’d been revered in the family, beloved and appraised for being a strong being, someone who would surely do good and lead the masses into a better world.

The first thing I remember from my childhood is looking at the jewel that hung on my neck, suspended by a braided cord, and thinking about how very strange it looked.

The sign welded within the golden circle was a sign of leaders, world changers, true and strong.

I- I don’t know. It doesn’t feel right.

It’s the right weight, right colour, right taste, but it feels so very wrong. And I don’t know how to tell that to my family.

—

Have you ever woken up with knowledge? As in, have you ever woken up and known something, whether that be the weather, or a death?

It’s how I feel, every time I wake up and feel the weight of that damned necklace around my neck. I know it will spell my doom. But I don’t know how, or when, or why.

—

The elder has never spoken my name, he always calls me ‘child’, even though I have passed childhood years ago.

To him, I probably am a child.

Still, I wish he wouldn’t call me that. Though, I don’t know if there’s a better alternative.

—

I can’t believe I’m considering it, but I am. No one has ever rejected their Medallion. At least, none that I know. It’s unspoken, quiet. The Medallion is yours until the end, and there’s nothing that can change that.

I don’t know why I should.

There are plenty of reasons why I shouldn’t

Why would I want to reject a life of greatness and power just because of a feeling?

It feels as though it’s choking me.

I just wish it would stop

—

Did you know there’s such a thing as a Crafter? I didn’t

Apparently they’re otherworldly beings that steal Medallions. I’ve never heard of that.

Medallions are tokens granted to us by powers outside our comprehension, they cannot simply be taken.

Right?

—

It seems Crafters are a recent development within our ecosystem. My family claims they have never heard of such a creature, but I think they might be lying.

But why would they?

—

The elder told me why.

Crafters are ethereal beings, beyond our understanding of Lore. Many are superstitious and do not speak their name, as to not attract them. I wonder why he does, though. Maybe they aren’t to be feared.

—

I met a wandering Crafter today. They don’t look scary. They followed me home though, didn’t seem to understand when I told them to go away. I just hope my family doesn’t visit soon. It doesn’t seem like they’re planning on leaving.

—

I tried to give them food. Winter is coming to a close, and if they are as solitary as I was lead to believe, then they may not have been able to gain much sustenance in the past months. They didn’t eat anything though, only stared at me.

It’s strange being stared at by something without eyes.

—

They’ve taken to wandering my house. I came from the market and they were inside the living room, staring at the fireplace. I got a fire started for them and they haven’t moved since.

I should probably get some wood, just in case this lasts.

—

There is nothing more startling than waking up with a Crafter’s face inches from yours, I can tell you that.

They seemed.. interested. In my Medallion, I assume, but they can take it for all I care. I just want to be rid of the damn thing anyway.

—

I-

Hello.

Something has happened

After gathering some vegetables for supper, the Crafter came and cornered me.

They wouldn’t let me get away, but they didn’t do anything. Just stared at me.

I’m ashamed to say I yelled at them.

They’ve stayed in my house for weeks now, and nothing I do makes them go away. I’ve found I don’t want them to go away.

I think I was hoping they’d steal my Medallion in the night, run off never to be seen again, but they’ve done no such thing.

Weeks with them, and that cursed token is still hanging around my neck.

I yelled and yelled until my voice was hoarse, yet they didn’t move.

I called them horrible things, but they didn’t even bother flinching.

Once I was done, out of breath, a migraine blooming in the back of my head, they extended their right hand.

I knew what they wanted, but I didn’t know if I had the strength to give it.

Despite all my secret wishes, taking off my Medallion myself was the one thing I desperately didn’t want to do.

It felt too much like admitting defeat.

But despite my conflicted feelings and the knot in my throat, I reached back and pulled the cord over my head.

People speak of nausea, despair, horror and distress when attempting to take off the Medallion. They feelings would grow so strong they wouldn’t be able to physically go through with it.

I didn’t even feel a pinch.

I deposited the golden token, the one that had accompanied me through my 23 years of life, softly in their open palm. Their milky skin accented nicely with the amber tones, and I couldn’t find an ounce of regret in my heart.

They looked at it and closed the palm over it, hiding it completely.

They shouldn’t have been able to do it, it was much too big. But in a blink, their hand was closed, and my Medallion was gone. When they opened it again, where I expected to find nothing, was another token, smaller than my previous one, but not abnormal by any means. It held a different symbol within it’s golden circle.

It was the symbol of Peace.

It was beautiful.

It softly reflected the sunlight and cast a golden ray across the room. I couldn’t move, could only look at it, at the Crafter, when they stepped closer and hung it around my neck.

It was attached to a silver chain, but it wasn’t cold on my skin. It felt warm, like a part of me that had been missing for a long time.

I think I was crying. I think they were too.

They put their hand on my cheek. It felt like sunlight, warm and inviting.

Then they were gone.

I haven’t seen them since.

I’ve met a few Crafters since then, turns out they can speak. I’ve housed quite a few. It’s the least I can do, after what one of their kind has done for me.

Still, I hope I get to see mine again.

Thank them, and maybe apologize for yelling.

It’s the least I can do.

[saccharinesugawara]

hi omg!!!! i loved your post with suga & suna comforting a trans reader– can i ask for the same prompt w/ kita? if you could indulge me, maybe it's because the reader is short and only passes when they're seen as a child rather than their actual age?

i would love to do this!! we love kita on this blog!! sorry this took so long to get to <3

-----------------------------------------

Kita helping you through crippling dysphoria (reader is ftm)

Your height had always been more of a hindrance than a blessing: you were either seen as a young boy who'd yet to see puberty or a little lady who received many unwanted advances.

You saw the way most people patronised you for your short stature, the way they'd call you "cute" and "sweet" as if you were a four year old who didn't understand how the world worked yet.

You were at some committee meeting listening to the vice-president drone on about God knows what until you, the head of the committee, took over the speaking.

Half of the group talked over you, coming up with their own ideas whilst the other half shushed them, talking about you as if you were some scared pre-teen who was presenting to some 'big scary elders'.

When you tried to take over the discipline, your vice-president told you, in her most condescending voice, that they were helping you and that maybe she should take over.

You couldn't even fathom what she was saying, choosing instead to storm out of there to the gym where your boyfriend was wrapping up volleyball practise.

You'd been lucky in the respect that the rest of the team had filtered out; it was just Shinsuke sweeping the floor of the gym. He was so concentrated on his work, taking care over each speck of dust that donned the surface.

"Shin, what would you do if people were talking over me?" At that, your boyfriend lifted his head and tilted it in confusion. He carefully set the broom to the side of the gym. "You would trust me to call the shots, right? Unless I asked for it, you wouldn't just swoop in and treat me like an eight year old?" Frustrated tears pricked at your eyes, your fists curling into tight balls of anger.

"Of course I'd let you deal with that on your own. You know what to do," he stepped towards you and gently blotted your tears from your lower lash line, "where is all this coming from, dear?"

A growl of anger quickly devolved into a hiccup of tired annoyance as you held onto Shinsuke tightly, surely bruising his sides with your vice-like grip. His arms gently made their way around your waist, rubbing calming circles on your lower back.

"Stupid committee... they keep treating me like a kid." You laughed without any sense of humour, the tears finally falling down. "They think that, because I'm the same size as a ten year old boy, I am a ten year old boy! They kept talking over me and then the vice-president told me that she should take over because I was finding it difficult! I'm the damn president of this committee! And they treat my like I don't know any better!" Your shouts bounced off the walls of the gym as Shinsuke sat the two of you down on the newly-swept floor.

His fingers worked into your tense muscles, making sure to not go too hard and accidentally hurt you with the force of his calloused fingers.

"And then you've got people that still see me as a girl - at least half of the boys here have made a pass at me because they still think I'm a girl." You took in a deep breath. "And my height is always the thing they pick out! Why is my shortness sexy? I hate this, Shin. I hate it!" Your voice croaked and effectively gave out, leaving you to lean into your boyfriend.

"Y/N, regardless of your height, you are so smart and the furthest thing from naïve I have ever seen. My grandma always comments on how well-thought out and incredible you are. You're far from the kid that everyone seems to, rather stupidly, perceive you as. And as for those that try to reduce you down to your small stature and misgender you, they clearly have no purpose in this world."

His hand made its way up into your hair, massaging soothing circles into your scalp.

"My point is, Y/N, you are far more than your height and one of the best men I've ever met."

[alfredolover119]

I looooove your zukka rec lists! I recently became Avatar-obsessed, never got a chance to watch it as a kid and only just got through it all! I was wondering if you'd consider doing a specifically angst rec list? I love fluffy zukka everything, but sometimes you just gotta have your heart ripped out of your chest and put back in after being thoroughly blended.

thank you! i relate heavily to “recently became Avatar-obsessed” haha. as for the angst list, i sure can try! warning: all of these have happy endings because im a crybaby who can’t read unhappy endings. also, p much all of the fics in the completed section were featured on my other lists but this is specifically the ANGSTY ones >:^)

angsty zukka wips

first, most obviously, feels like we only go backwards by @oldpotatoe

-currently at 102k with 19/27 chapters posted; rated teen

-the amnesia fic. the amnesia fic. the amnesia fic. you know. i haven’t actually read it yet because, as previously mentioned, i’m a crybaby and am waiting for it to finish up but, from my understanding, this fic will murder you in a dark alleyway with no remorse. if u like zukka angst, you’ve probably already read this, but just in case!

An injury leaves Sokka with amnesia. His last memory is of the failed invasion, of leaving his father behind in enemy territory on the Day of Black Sun. Of hopelessness. Rage. // But then he wakes up, and the war is over. Suddenly, he must come to terms with the fact that years have passed, and that he's somehow the Southern Water Tribe Ambassador to the Fire Nation. He is also supposedly friends with banished-Prince-turned-Fire-Lord Zuko, of all people. Close friends.

Yeah, nah.

and i’ll do anything you say (if you say it with your hands) by @goldrushzukka

-currently 38k with 6/8 chapters posted; rated mature

-holy shit. holy SHIT. modern au based on the “my cat likes my fuckbuddy and i am falling in love” trope(?). maybe it’s just because of how the last chapter ended, but oh my god. this one made me cry. made me want to commit violence. when it’s not angsty as hell, it’s pretty funny, but holy shit. ao3 user nebulastucky please.

It’s supposed to be a one night stand. Pick up some guy at a bar, barely remember his name and never learn anything real about him, send him packing in the morning with a thanks for the ride and a cup of coffee to-go. That’s how it’s supposed to go. // But then it’s the best sex Sokka has ever had, and he thinks he’ll hate himself if he never gets to have it again.

Violet Blossoms and Celestial Objects by @hollypunkers

-currently 15k with 2/? posted. rated teen.

-this is the sequel to blue (an angsty, zukka rewrite of book 2-- go read it if u havent!)! !! this is a book 3 rewrite. only two chapters in and mrs hollypunkers is really abusing the miscommunication tag, as zukka writers seem to enjoy doing. im excited to see how the world and story develops with the changes to the story! you should be too!! its very good! obviously spoilers for blue lmao

Having sided with the Avatar in Ba Sing Se, Zuko not only must navigate his new relationship with Sokka but returning to the Fire Nation as a banished enemy. His own journey of self discovery and personal growth must now coexist alongside the personal struggles of every other member of the Gaang as together they blaze a treacherous path toward an unsure victory against Zuko's own father and nation.

breakable heaven by @fruitysokka

-currently 71k with 9/11 chapters posted. rated teen

-swt ambassador zuko! soon to be chief sokka! fake dating ur best friend to get out of an arranged marriage! what could go wrong!!! i also haven’t read this one ((see: i’m a crybaby who is being hurt by too many zukka wips already)), but it has been hanging out in my marked for later for months. from what i understand, this fic has: angst.

With his twenty-first birthday looming just around the corner, the Southern Water Tribe Elders have decided that Sokka, next in line to be Chief, needs to get married. Sokka does not want that, but he does need to get them off his back until he can figure his way out of it. What better way to do that than to pretend to date his best friend (and newly minted Ambassador to the Southern Water Tribe) Zuko? // Seriously, this is a foolproof plan. Maybe one of Sokka's best. Absolutely nothing can go wrong.

angsty zukka fics (completed!)

(i’ll put these in wc order)

lighthouse beam by @incorrectzukka

-7k, rated g

-a modern college au!! zuko’s inner-monologue is very angsty in this fic. typical zuko. also per usual, theyre both fucking dorks. they sort themselves out in the end, but not before The Angst. zuko is semi-deaf in this fic and also he has a bit of internalized homophobia.

Sokka’s breathtakingly beautiful and he’s smart and makes other people laugh. Zuko has a half-burnt face and a deaf ear. It’s not rocket science. // Or, Zuko falls in love with the boy in his Philosophy class.

This Isn’t My Idea of Fun by @khaleeseas

-9k, explicit

-moon spirit/nwt prince!sokka, no war to be found here! admittedly this isnt THAT angsty but like. the angst IS present. zuko is still the prince. a lovely childhood friends (though they hated each other for a minute haha) to lovers story. 

If you asked Zuko, he and Azula saw far too much of Chief Hakoda of the Northern Water Tribe’s children growing up. It wasn’t until they were older, and Azula pointed out that - duh - their families were trying to set them all up, that he realized why. // He was told by his mother to be polite. These people were their friends and allies, and though their nations were as different as they came, harmony between nations was the most important thing. // It wasn’t his fault the Chief’s children were so annoying.

put your lips close to mine (as long as they don’t touch) by @celestialceci

-9k, teen

-modern au! zuko and sokka are college roommates. zuko goes to spend the summer with sokka. again,, not really that angsty but-- its there!! the detail and feeling of Home in this story make me happy. zuko is insecure as hell here too. if ur into that. 

Zuko hates his home. He likes college alright, but he likes Sokka even better, his assigned roommate turned best friend. Spending the summer with Sokka will be fun, a welcome change of pace he desperately wants. It probably won't awaken anything in him... right?

the thing about dancing by anodymalion

-9k, teen

-yes. this one right here officer. it makes my heart ache. also trans sokka! which is cool. but the zuko angst in this one. hurts me. not so much relationship angst as it is zuko learning he deserves happiness angst. i’m sure u know The Type.

The first time a attendant spills Zuko’s tea and doesn’t immediately fall to her knees, begging the Fire Lord’s forgiveness, it is not anger but a resounding warmth that fills his chest.

i could (never) give you peace by @zukkababey

-10k, mature

-OUCH. OUCH OUCH OUCH. boys please learn to communicate im begging u. also zuko.. zuko, dude. as the tags of the fic say, hes “really going through it” in this one. YOUCH. post-canon.

Zuko almost said it. He almost said the words I think I’m in love with you, but he choked them back down at the last second. // Zuko would never be able to be what Sokka wanted. They might have needed each other during the summer, when two boys with too much weight on their shoulders found comfort in each other in the only way they knew how. // But now Zuko was Fire Lord, and Sokka was leaving.

this love burns so yellow (becoming orange and in its time, exploding) by @meliebee 

-18k, teen, major character death 

-i lied. THIS is the one, officer. found family.. good mai and zuko and toph friendships.. . ozai escapes prison and tries to overthrow zuko. OBVIOUSLY angst ensues. poor boy. he Does heal in this but it gets worse before it gets better. angst angst angst angst.

Ten months after Zuko is crowned at seventeen, he faces his first coup.

Anything for You by beersforqueers

-23k, explicit

-istg. this is probably one of my favorite zukka fics. its PAINFUL. modern au where theyre broken up but sokka hasnt told his family yet so zuko goes home with him for kataang wedding. a bit smutty, but the plot oh my god ohgm y fuvk. made me cry the first time i read it. (see: crybaby!me) insert that one picture of the horse with the caption PAIN. 

In which Sokka and Zuko have broken up but Sokka hasn't told his family yet. So when Katara and Aang's wedding weekend rolls around and he doesn't want to break Gran-Gran's heart, he asks Zuko to pretend to be his boyfriend for one last weekend. // Things don't go as planned.

Moving Mountains by @thefangirlingdead

-64k, mature

-so. when i read this the first time it was in one sitting. soulmate au set within canon era / the comics, to an extent. soulmates can hear each others thoughts. i will happily say this is slowburn, jesus christ. champagne without the cham. 

Soulmates are chosen by the spirits and can hear each other’s thoughts. Sokka thinks it’s cheesy and dumb. Zuko thinks it’s poetic justice that he doesn’t have one because he doesn’t deserve it. Cruel irony is finding out that the prince of the Fire Nation (and the person currently hunting you) is your soulmate.

In the Soft Light by @voidcenturyscholar and @romancedawning

-83k, teen, graphic depictions of violence

-moon spirit!sokka living in the northern water tribe. zuko is sent to the northern water tribe as a cultural liaison. iroh is the fire lord but while he is away taking care of lu ten after his injury ozai steps up. i cannot express how many emotions this fic made me feel. background yuetara. i would almost say found family?? but. anyway. plenty of angst to spare here with a healthy dose of enemies to friends to lovers.

As the newly appointed cultural liaison to Northern Water Tribe, Zuko is the first Fire Nation Citizen to step foot inside the city's walls in nearly a century. He's determined to prove himself—to the Fire Lord and to his father—even if the Water Tribe's spirit-touched prince seems to want nothing to do with him.

That Midnight Sky by @zukkababey

-103k, teen

-now now now. tms... modern college au where sokka agrees to tutor zuko in physics because zuko has to maintain straight a’s and physics is just not doing it for him. so. thats cool but THEN azula moves in, randomly, with zuko. to hide the fact that sokka is tutoring zuko, they fake date! what could go wrong!! the mutual pining in here combined with the angst... wonderful, tasty. everyone read it rn. also SLOWBURN 

In Zuko’s strict family, needing a tutor is just about the worst thing you could do. Failing a class, however, is even worse. The only rational solution? Take up Aang on his offer to find him a physics tutor and have Sokka—beautiful, smart, handsome Sokka—tutor him in secret. // When Azula’s arrival threatens to reveal Zuko’s secret, it’s up to Sokka to convince her this definitely isn’t what it looks like. See, he’s actually… Zuko’s… boyfriend? // Hmm. There’s no way this could get complicated, right?

[mellometal]

ATTENTION: This is some recent information about the current events with Chris Chan that I've been able to find, plus additional information that I couldn't find anything on that is now public knowledge.

ALL videos about any updates will be linked so you can watch them for yourself, if you wish.

Again, OBLIGATORY trigger warning: This post will be going into very sensitive subject matter, including r@p3, s3xual assault, elder abuse, and inc3st. I will also be mentioning the site Kîwî F@rm$ and the person who runs it (Null). DON'T go onto Kîwî F@rm$. Just stay away from there. It's like 4chan (another site full of REALLY fucked up shit, depending on which forum you go to), but worse.

If anything I mentioned is triggering for you or makes you otherwise uncomfortable in any way, you don't have to read this post. It's not worth putting yourself in a bad state mentally. Take care of yourself, please. Consume media that sparks joy for you.

ALRIGHTY, LET'S GET TO IT. Because there's quite a lot of bullshit that happened since the first post I made about the current events. And some more information that will most likely be the nail in the coffin for Chris. I'm patiently waiting for more updates as they come and I'll share them here as soon as possible.

The person Chris was in a call with was revealed to be a troll under the name "Bella". The screenshots of messages and the audio from the call have all been confirmed to be real.

It's also been revealed that Chris confided in Null about her having a girlfriend, having s3x with her, all that. Here's a list of things to describe this "girlfriend" below, which I will compare to Barbara in bold:

This woman is "in her over fifties". (Barbara is eighty years old. Most people would assume that someone's in their late fifties when this terminology is used. Eighty is well over fifty.)

Her favorite person was the late Adam West in the 60s, as it was "for her son back then". (I don't know if Chris is referring to her half-brother Cole Smithey [he does movie reviews, and he's most famous for being one of the only people to give Toy Story 3 a negative review] here, or if she's referring to herself before she came out as trans. I'm adding this here anyway.)

Chris has known this woman "for a long time", offline and in-person. (OBVIOUSLY she's known Barbara her whole life, since she's, AGAIN, HER MOTHER! DUH.)

They've been having s3x "every three nights". (Like how Chris admitted to doing to her defenseless mother. PRETTY FUCKING FISHY, IF YOU ASK ME.)

They began having s3x on June 27th. (The same day that Chris admitted to doing to Barbara.)

This woman was an accountant when she was younger. (Barbara's job was EXACTLY this.)

Chris said she feels grateful to "enlighten" her girlfriend with s3x play that she (the woman) "missed from even her exes". (I didn't mention this in my initial post, but if you chose to watch the videos that were linked, Chris mentioned that Barbara's boyfriends and ex-husbands "have never been able to make her 0rg@$m" like Chris did. SHE EVEN MENTIONED HER LATE FATHER. THAT'S FUCKING DISGUSTING AND DISRESPECTFUL.)

Chris has been "keeping her girlfriend safe" too. (She had been "taking care of Barbara" since Bob, her late father, passed away. This right here is proof alone that she was talking about HER MOM!)

Her girlfriend "didn't want to do it at first", it was "very painful" for Chris's girlfriend in the beginning, and it took a few tries for them "to get going". This included Chris doing it FOR her because she thought her girlfriend would "feel better" due to her lack of mobility and lucidity. (Chris said all of this exact stuff TO "BELLA" during their call.)

Null initially thought that Chris was lying about sleeping with her mother to cover up the fact that she had a girlfriend and having s3x with her. Why? Because apparently people would believe Chris would have s3x with her mother than some other unknown woman. Chris told Null to keep her girlfriend's identity secret because she was afraid her girlfriend would get trolled and she'd end up losing her.

What Null realized was that what Chris told him completely matched the description of Barbara. Note that before he looked into this, he was unaware of the context Chris was giving him about her "girlfriend".

It's extremely possible now that Chris admitted to s3xually assaulting Barbara to Null and "Bella", but she wanted Null to keep it confidential. Chris wanted NULL to keep the fact that she admitted to committing a VERY serious crime A SECRET.

If Chris WAS actually lying, she'd use a lot more CWCisms (her own phrases) or say that she was "using her psychic powers" to have s3x with Barbara's fictional counterpart in another dimension. But no, Chris was VERY straightforward and talked about it casually like if you were to talk about the weather.

Chris, according to Null, slept in a parking lot in her car the other night. At least for a few hours, though I don't remember where the FUCK else she slept (maybe a hotel room eventually), considering she had -$200 in her bank account. I believe some people who are in contact with Chris sent her some money to get food too.

Null revealed that he set up a GoFundMe previously for Chris to attend a Brony convention, which was a test to see how Chris would be able to handle commissions. The GFM was successful, to say the least. Chris fulfilled commissions successfully, DESPITE NOT WORKING ON THE FUCKING COMIC. Y'KNOW, THE THING SHE'S PAID FOR ON PATREON TO DO!

Well, due to recent events, he has since taken down the GFM and is refunding all the money to all the donors. He was debating on sending Chris money (the GFM money, since Chris isn't able to go to the Brony convention), but he decided not to do so. He told Chris to sleep in her car, spend the night under the stars, and reflect on her current situation until the morning, when Null would help her find a temporary roof over her head until August 5th.

Barbara tightly manages Chris's finances. Those are Null's words, not mine. You want to know why Barbara's been having trouble with the house and shit? CHRIS HAS BEEN STEALING MONEY FROM HER FOR YEARS. HER CREDIT IS ALL SORTS OF FUCKED, SHE'S BURIED IN DEBT, AND IT'S CHRIS'S FAULT. THE PERSON WHO'S SUPPOSED TO BE TAKING CARE OF HER.

How did we find out about Chris recently getting more money, specifically $750? Well, Null has had access to Chris's emails for the past few years (Chris knows this), and he found an email that Barbara had sent Chris money.

That's a violation of the EPO (Emergency Protective Order) that was put into affect for Barbara. Chris was NOT supposed to contact Barbara in ANY way, shape or form.

Null asked Chris about this and told her that this was a violation of the EPO. He asked her if her mom sent her money. Chris denied it at first, and then went into the whole goddess bullshit she goes into. She then admitted to accessing Barbara's banking account online and wiring the $750 to HER account. Chris also said that she'd pay her back the $750 after receiving the $1000 that Null was supposed to send to Chris. Null was obviously upset with what Chris had done. Who wouldn't be?

Guess what Null did in reaction to what Chris told him? HE BLOCKED CHRIS AND REPORTED HER TO THE POLICE. I'm honestly surprised he stuck with her this long. He genuinely wanted to see Chris become a better person.

It's only a matter of time for Chris's arrest. With all this information that's out there now, more information probably coming very soon, plus people close to Chris confirming all of this....I feel it's safe for me to say that Chris did s3xually assault her mother.

I don't feel bad for Chris anymore. I have no sympathy for Chris. Any ounce of respect for this person has been long since gone. I don't feel comfortable even referring to Chris as a person. She's a monster.

I talked about Chris a few times a few years ago on Instagram, and I got yelled at for tearing this motherfucker apart. Because apparently I was an "ableist bully" for having my grievances with Chris, despite the fact that I'm autistic too and I've never "bullied" Chris for being autistic. Not even once. My grievances had more to do with Chris using her mother and their animals to exploit them for her own monetary gain INSTEAD OF TRYING TO FIND A JOB. I've even tried to suggest that she go work through a temporary work industry and get paid daily. (At that time, I didn't know that trying to interact with Chris wasn't a very good idea. I've since learned, obviously.)

Here's a link to Gibi's video:

Dillon Thomas's video:

The stream with Null:

Geno Samuel's stream:

Here's Rogue's video and live stream he did about the situation. Rogue is one of my FAVORITE YouTubers, as edgy as his content is.:

Thank you for your time.

[shadowfae]

We’re all pretty aware that the tumblr otherkin community is at a huge decline; I was wondering if you have any theories as to why that is?

American Protestantism, the decline of queer oppression in North America and the AIDS crisis, helicopter parenting, web 3.0, morality politics, and  Tumblr’s porn ban; roughly in that order and rolled up into one bombshell that was a few years in the coming but nobody really saw it and understood it until it was far too late.

That was a mouthful and probably only made sense if you follow current cyberpolitical theory. For some of you reading this, as with every other hot take I have this has a chance of being passed around, that alone is enough. But for others who had no idea what I just said and need the ELI5 version, let me explain that. Buckle up, this’ll be a long one, and will go into fandom history a bit as well because it is actually relevant.

As we know, tumblr is a very American-centric platform. Twitter is also this way, but less so, but tumblr has it bad. Now, I’m ‘lucky’ in the fact that I’m Canadian and a twenty minute drive from the American border, so that puts me in the ‘privileged’ majority. (I say privileged because I’m not really sure what else to call it. Most of the information going around about politics either directly affects me or indirectly affects me approximately one or two links of contact away. Someone who’s only influenced by American politics because it makes their sister’s online friends sad is not going to be privileged in that way.)

This means that American politics and their social climate overwhelmingly affects tumblr’s social climate. This also bleeds through into other fandom spaces, on twitter, instagram, and Pixiv to name a few places; but here’s where I spend the majority of my time so here’s what I’ve witnessed.

America’s main religion, as far as I understand (from the raised agnostic and currently neopagan view I have), is some weirdass capitalistic-Protestantism that is so many miles from what the actual Bible says that if I were a betting man and knew more about cults than I did, I’d say it’s some weird fucking cult and never set foot in the country again for any reason that isn’t gaming free shipping through a PO box. If you have no idea what I just said but are at least vaguely familiar with Christianity, this graphic explains it pretty well. So we can see there’s some glaring issues with that ideal.

The decline of queer oppression and the rise of queer rights in North America, which is to tenderly include my own country but we all know when people say ‘in NA’ they mean ‘America, and Canada where it applies because the right-wing Republicans are really good in the propaganda department to convince everyone that Mexico is a drug-lords-and-anarchy wasteland to the point where even I don’t actually know what’s down there other than bad drivers and heat’; means two things. One, it’s a good thing by a long shot and do not mistake this as me thinking queer oppression being lessened is a bad thing. But two, it means that thanks to the AIDS crisis, queer folks lost a lot of first-person sources as history.

The queer elders in NA who survived are typically either a) bitter anarchists who are often POC, probably still dirt poor and do recreational drugs or b) university-tenured TERFs (trans exclusionary radical feminists). Category A are the people who Republicans have deemed worthless in every way, because racism, queerphobia, ableism, and all the other ways to be wrong and different and Evil that they can’t handle, because Jeezus would never want them to actually learn to love someone who wasn’t just like them, and they don’t have the compassion to do better. Category B are the people who want to be different in just a teensie little bit, typically with TERFs they want to be lesbians, but they don’t want to challenge the status quo. They’re fine with the way things work, they just want to be on top oppressing others over ripping the whole damn thing down and building a more forgiving system.

Now, due to all those ‘isms and the cheerfully malicious aid of the Republicans, pun not intended but drives home the cruelty of it all, we also see the rise of helicopter parenting. The invention of the internet did not really help this. Basically what you’ve got is a whole bunch of parents who saw the civil rights movement, just got access to the internet and things going viral, know the world is changing, and like all parents, they’re scared for their children. Now instead of parents knowing one or two people in their classes who just went missing one day and everyone assumed they ran away, they hear about eight homicides in the city of kids going to parks at night and dying. The Satanic Panic was another event around this time that contributed to that, but I’ll let you research that one.

This means that all of these parents, instead of doing what their parents typically did and let their kids wander off for the day so long as they’re back by sundown, they can’t let their children out of their sight. There might be a freak accident where their child is decapitated on the playground swing! Their baby might get murdered by an evil Satanist walking home from school! Their dearest darling might go online and tell their address to someone who’s got a 100% chance of being a pedophile who will show up and kidnap them in the night!

…You get the idea. 

Combine those three things I just established, what we’ve got is a lot of queer kids who have a lot of internalized shame for being different and wrong, because they’re queer, and they can’t find spaces offline to be themselves, because all of the elders who would do that are dead and/or inaccessible and their parents won’t let them go to any clubs that aren’t school-related, which they’ll never find a GSA or queer club because Republicans, ‘isms, propaganda, and the war on Category A queer adults have all done their best to ensure that those spaces don’t exist.

So you have a generation of kids who I am the youngest of. The first generation on the internet. The late Web 1.0 (usenets and Geocities) and early Web 2.0 (livejournal was the big one, ff.net too, also 4chan but fuck those guys) generation. What we were taught was: trust nobody on the internet with your real info no matter how much you like them, this is a wilderness and any crimes that happen won’t be punished or seen so don’t put yourself in a position where you’re going to be the victim of one, and everything you put online is never getting taken down so don’t put anything up that you’re not willing to have on the front page of your local newspaper.

This worked out pretty well, actually! You had kids who knew that if they got in trouble, there was no backup coming to save them. Because the form that backup might take - parents and police - wasn’t going to help. Best case, they’d be banned from their friends and online support groups for being queer. Worst case, they’d be jailed and put in juvie and conversion therapy and turn to drugs and become evil Satanists just like everyone says they secretly are already. So they learned very quickly to take care of themselves. Nobody was going to save them, so they learned to not need saving.

And then, well, Web 2.0 shifted to Web 3.0. Livejournal died because parents - the Warriors for Innocence was the big name - went “gasp how horrible my children are being exposed to the evil pedos and homosexuals they’re going to do drugs and die of AIDS!”. Which is uh. It’s filled with a lot of bigotry, and I’m not excusing them - absolutely I am not - but you can kind of see where they’re coming from, if you tilt your head and squint.

Either way, LJ died, tumblr took its place, Facebook was fast taking off, and the fandom folks who had seen mailing lists go inactive, web admins take their fanfic sites down due to copyright, entire fandoms burnt to the ground in flame wars, said ‘fuck that we’re making our own place’ and that’s how AO3 got made.

That’s important. A lot of folks move to AO3, because well, the rules let them. The rules say ‘you can throw literally anything up here so long as it’s fan content and is not literally illegal, so we don’t get taken down’. It’s a swing for the first generation internet users, those kids who know this place is a wilderness and are carving out our own sanctuary.

But. The children under us. The children for whom AIDS is a nightmarish fairy tale, for whom the ghost stories are conversion therapy, for whom know they can’t really talk to their parents about being queer but can trust they probably won’t get kicked out over it. The children who haven’t spent ten seconds without supervision except online, and their reaction isn’t ‘oh thank god I’m finally free to express myself’ but ‘if I get in trouble, who will protect me?’.

And there’s nobody there. Because we went in knowing there was no backup. And that was fine. But now, the actual adults have figured out that hey uh, maybe we should make cyber laws? Maybe we should make revenge porn and grooming children over the internet crimes? And they grew up with that. They grew up learning that no, even if your parents are suffocating and controlling, they’re always be there for you! Some adult will always be there to protect you!

That isn’t the case. It’s not. But they expect it, because it’s always been done for them. They don’t really want to change the status quo, because that means doing it themselves. They can’t do that, because they don’t know how, they’ve been controlled for every single part of their lives thanks to helicopter parenting and without that control, they don’t know how to keep their lives together, and they demand someone come and control it for them, without restraining them.

Effectively, they want someone to ensure they never face the consequences of their actions. Helicopter parents will rescue you from whatever you did, because you’re their precious baby and it doesn’t matter if you punched a kid, you can do no wrong and the other kid clearly started it.

But being queer is doing wrong. Being queer is something Jeezus doesn’t approve of. So they want to make it something he could approve of! But if it’s too off what they consider to be okay, if it’s too different and weird and wrong and evil, that can’t do, that’s still bad, and they’re precious angels, and children, and minors, why are we the adults not protecting them and letting them see it? Why aren’t we being just like their parents  but queer-friendly, why aren’t we protecting the children?

The adults who taught us were the children of those who died as a result of AIDS. The eldest of my generation knew some of them personally. My therapist’s younger brother died at 20 of AIDS, and she told me what it was like. But they don’t have that. These kids of web 3.0, they don’t have that. What they have is over-controlling parents, and the expectation that someone will always be there to protect them but hopefully in ways that don’t hurt them this time, no real understanding of why Category A queer elders are the way they are, and so much internalized shame that they have to do some pretty fancy logic-leaping to keep them from collapsing entirely.

They can’t turn into Category A queer youngsters, because they don’t know how to unravel the system around them, because they’ve never had to actually make choices in their lives and live with the consequences, because they don’t have the example of how to do it. They can’t unravel their internalized shame because again, that’s hard and they don’t have their parents to take away the consequences and pain. It doesn’t come easy to them, so it may as well not come at all.

But, you ask, if Category A queer elders aren’t around to teach the kids, then how are they learning anything positive at all? Well, Category B, our university-tenured TERFs, who don’t want to change the status quo but want to just be at the top of it instead.

For a lot of kids who don’t know how to make hard choices but want to be queer, this is an extremely attractive option. But when they go online to queer spaces, a lot of them say fuck terfs, we don’t support your hate, and they go ‘yeah okay that makes sense’. They can say fuck terfs without ever actually questioning why terfs are bad. They’re Bad and Evil, just like drug addicts, just like fairytale nazis, just like the evil homophobes.

And we saw them say ‘yeah fuck terfs’ and we were like, ‘aight you got it’ and we never questioned if they actually understood us. They didn’t. They didn’t, and we didn’t do enough to fix it, because not enough of us realized the problem. So terfs got a little sneaky. They hid behind dogwhistles and easy little comments, hiding their rhetoric in queer theory that you’ll absolutely miss if you just memorize it and never actually question it and understand why that point is being made.

This goes back to America sucking, because their school system is far more focused on rote memorization over actual logic and understanding of the text. They’re engaging with queer theory the way they’ve been taught, which is memorize and don’t think, don’t question. Besides, questioning and understanding is hard. Being shown different points of view and asked what they think is not only hard but requires them to go against all of the conditioning that says to just listen and agree and never question it, which goes back to tearing the system and internalized shame down, and we’ve established they can’t do that so naturally they don’t do that.

This begets, then, the rise of exclusionary politics. They’re turning into Category B queer youngsters, because we told them ‘hey that’s a terf talking point what are you doing’ and they never questioned why. They learned you can do all sorts of things, just don’t say X, Y, or Z, because they never thought deeply about it.

The children who have grown on Web 3.0 do not want to do any heavy lifting to make things easier for themselves long-run. They want to do as little as possible and have things get better for them. There isn’t enough of us left in Category A, because Category B terfs are very good at recruiting young folks and Cat. A is overwhelming poor, dead, and easily dismissed in the system as evil and bad, so we can’t exactly convince the young folks to listen. If all of the young kids could agree to tear down the system, a lot more older folks might listen. Change always starts with the young, and there’s a reason for that.

But Republicans have figured out, if you get people fighting, they never put together a force that can actually stop you. TERFs, who want the exact same thing as Republicans but with themselves on top, are doing this to queer youth, and Cat. A elders can’t fight back because there isn’t enough of them and the odds are against them, and the young folk like me who follow their lead.

People can kinda handle gay people. It’s not so far from the acceptable normal that it’s impassable. But you want them to handle kinky people? Gay people of colour? Kinky gay people of colour? Trans people? Those are bridges too far to step across. The original idea was to get the foot in the door with marriage equality and inch our way through with racial equality, sex positivity, dismantling ableism and perisexism (forgive me if that isn’t the word for anti-intersex ‘ism), and see if we can’t patch up the system instead of inciting a civil war over this and have to tear down the system entirely.

Well, we might’ve managed that if not for AIDS being the perfect ‘Jeezus is killing all the evil gay people for being sinners’ propaganda machine. As it stands now, not a chance in hell. So long as Republicans and terfs keep everyone fighting, nobody has the power to dismantle their empire, and they stay in power.

So then, you ask me, “Lu what the fuck does that have to do with the decline of otherkinity on tumblr???” and now that you’ve got all that background knowledge, here is your answer.

Those children who want their experiences curated for them and the evil icky content they don’t like to be gone because it disgusts them and anything that disgusts them is clearly sinful problematic and should be destroyed, are what we call ‘antishippers’, or anti for short.

They like being progressive. Sort of. They learned what Republicans and terfs have honed to a fine talent: keep people fighting, hold them to a bar they have to constantly make or risk being ostracized, and harass the people who don’t play along into getting out of your sight forever. Sound familiar?

They learned of otherkinity, and particularly fictionkind, because web 3.0 means if something goes viral on one site, it doesn’t just go viral on that site, it makes it to worldwide newspapers and twitter and nobody ever, ever fucking forgets it. They realized the following: “Hey wait, if I’m this character for realsies, not only does it help me deal with the internalized shame I’ve done nothing to actually fix because that takes work, I can also tell these people who draw gross content I don’t like they’re hurting me personally, and that actually sounds credible, and I can shame them into stopping”.

If this is your first time here and that sounds sickening, it damn well should, and I am so, so sorry that any of us had to witness this, and I am more sorry I and everyone else who personally witnessed this didn’t realize what was going on and put a stop to it. I answer asks and browse the tags and clear up misinformation and it isn’t just a genuine desire to help. It’s damage control, and my own way of trying to deal with the guilt of not stopping this. I’m well aware I couldn’t have seen it coming, I was a teenager myself still learning and no one person has that much power. I still feel like I should have done more, and I’ll do what I can to fix what’s within my power to fix.

So back to the story. This all culminates around 2016 or so. Trump wins the election, and every queer person ever knows they’re fucked, and the younger generation’s only ever heard horror stories, never seen actual oppression that this could bring. We’re all scared. We all don’t know what to do. Nobody has any answers or any control over the situation.

So they lash out. They attack others for drawing things they don’t like, for challenging them in literally any way, for asking them to reconsider the vile shit they just said, for so much as defending themselves from the harassment they just got. And when challenged, they yell “But I’m a minor! A literal child! How dare you attack me, clearly you get off on this, you evil pedophile!” and they sling around every insult in the book until one sticks. Pedophile is a pretty good one, so is abuser, and sometimes zoophile works out too. Freak is great, everyone gets right pissed off about it.

The fact that Category A queer elders were called pedophiles and freaks is not a fact they know or care about. The fact that they are quickly making every fandom community super toxic is also not a fact they care about. The fact that the ‘kin community has words and terminology and they actually mean shit, and the fact that they’re spreading misinformation faster than we can keep up with, are not facts they care about.

So they come in, take our terms, make it impossible for us to find new folks. They realize our anger is easily a power trip, because we’re already made fun of, so they get off on the little power they can find and make fun of us too, and then when we get rightfully annoyed and pissed off, they can hide behind being minors.

Then tumblr implements their porn ban, because nobody’s stopping them, because it isn’t profitable to have porn on here. Considering most of the otherkin community, and most fandom communities, are full of adults who do occasionally talk about NSFW things, and the fact that they’re just banning everyone who so much as breathes wrong, this begins the start of a mass exodus, scattering already fragile communities to twitter, pillowfort, dreamwidth, and a few other places. Largely, twitter, where you can’t make a post longer than a snappy comeback and where the algorithm is literally designed to piss you off as much as possible.

So community elders have largely left, because they can’t stand the drama and the pain of what’s happened, and that’s if they didn’t get banned for being kinky furries who do talk about how their kintypes merge with their sexuality. Most community members have also left or stopped talking about being ‘kin, because they get associated with antishippers and toxicity and it’s just not worth it. Those of us who are left get drowned out by misinformation and trolls and wishkin and antishippers who appropriate our terminology because it supports them getting a power trip, and whenever we argue, we get called pedophiles and freaks and worse.

And now there isn’t much left. I hope we get to find a better place. Othercon was a good place to talk about it, I did a whole panel (it’s on Youtube!) about what we want to do about it. But I don’t really have any answers. 

But to sum it all up... America’s political climate ultimately culminated in destroying queer spaces, and we survived, and then people who wanted to destroy smaller communities to get on top showed up and we were all but defenseless against something we had never, ever dealt with before on this scale.

One of my twitter mutuals mentioned how kinning and otherkin are now completely separate communities. It’s really the best I can do to keep hoping that continues, until nobody realizes the words are at all connected to each other. It’s the best anyone can hope for, now. I hate it. I hate every part of this. But maybe we can salvage what’s left.

[aroaceslytherin]

https://archiveofourown.org/works/29226306/chapters/76373429

Love is love is love...

Snippets of Regulus, Narcissa, Sirius, and Andromeda's love life.

What does it take to make a love forbidden?

Someone you can’t have, usually. Whether that means they are already in a relationship, or family doesn’t approve. Well, for the children of House Black; it is the second option. Throughout history and many generations, they have matured faster than those around them. Each family member had someone to marry by the time they were born. Although, most of these children found love elsewhere and were forced to make a choice.

Alphard Black was the second known to run away from family rules because they had not accepted him for whom he loved. Cyfrin Black was the first; he discovered werewolves and fell in love with one, making a family and home with him.

Andromeda Black also ran away; the first female to do so, third Black to run from rules. It irritated Walburga Black to see her family going against the rules - especially so that it reminded her of her brother.

You would never know how terrifying Andromeda Violet Black can be until you meet her. They raised her on pure-blood rules, anger, and dark magic, following her two eldest sisters who dabbled in Death Eater ways. She could have a few tricks up her sleeve. Especially with two mischievous younger brothers.

She was a hat stall. The Sorting Hat had tried to put her into Hufflepuff but eventually landed on Slytherin for her. Andromeda stood from the stool tall and proud like her family taught. Upon sitting with her elder sisters who were in year three, Bellatrix leaned over and whispered in her ear.

“Four years with us, dear sister. I hope you follow us, ‘tis the only way to win over mother and father.”

Andromeda had then rolled her brown eyes. Surely at eleven there was not much you could do in a family of darkness except become the brighter, happier one? As Andromeda grew up, she rebelled against them. Instead of wearing black and green, she would wear earth tones; browns, greens, and oranges throwing in a bit of pink and blue here and there.

Andromeda, like her siblings, grew up lonely. Her mother; Druella Black, passed away when she was young. People said she passed during child-birth but she was there when her sisters were born. At three years of age, Andie watched her father mix a green sort of potion into her mother’s medicine. She wondered why he would even consider doing so. Later, she found out he did it so he could have power over her and her sisters - especially since he wasn’t gifted an heir (Walburga eventually took custody of them when she realized he was trying to get one from his daughters like they used to do in years past.)

At eleven years of age, Andromeda ran away to Alphard’s apartment. He hid her for three years until Walburga came pounding at his door; dragging Andromeda back home. At fifteen years of age, she noticed Edward Tonks (or Ted as he preferred). She would sneak off with him often, in hopes and fear to not get caught. Though at sixteen she had been and she ran away with him; burned off the tapestry, becoming a blood-traitor. She graduated at eighteen, married Edward, and had Nymphadora Tonks at twenty-three.

***

We all know they betrothed Narcissa to Lucius Malfoy, what you don’t know is that she was also interested in Severus Snape. She had flings with Lily Evans, dated a few girls in school; including Alice Fortescue. Like her elder sister Bellatrix, she kept her last name and slept in different rooms as her husband/fiance/boyfriend. It infuriated Lucius but he would respect her. (the only thing different was that she hyphenated it to Black-Malfoy)

Narcissa Druella Black was not a Death Eater like most believe, she did however have the Dark Mark that she was born with. It appeared on her left arm at eleven years of age. She kept it hidden behind long sleeves and arm sleeves. No one could tell which side she was on (in which she learned from Snape). She may have learned the ways of Death Eaters and Dark Arts from the time she could talk, but she may never have accepted that path completely.

Narcissa and her sisters did not have a good upbringing. Though being the youngest daughter, she had always been a powerful person mentally, physically, and magically which was an important thing to be when being a member of the House of Black or your partner spent most of his life in Azkaban.

Narcissa was the middle half of her sisters; black and white, never fully good but never fully bad either. She was a protector, a dreamer, a fighter. A mother, an aunt, and a lover. She not only raised her own son and daughters... but she raised Bellatrix's daughters, helped Andromeda with her daughter, helped/took in Remus, Sirius, James, Regulus, and Lily's kids when they passed.

She raised her son; Draco Malfoy, with great intentions and did her best to give him a better upbringing than she had. It was difficult to do so with Lucius Malfoy as a father. That is where Severus Snape stepped up and lent a hand to be a father figure for Draco. He protected him with all that he could. But was unfortunately too late in stopping him from inhibiting the Dark Mark like his parents. Lily Evans was a third parental figure with rights to him.

Narcissa screamed at Lucius the same words she had screamed at Bellatrix: “He’s just a boy!”

She may have come off as overprotective but she knew if Draco went down that path, he would never be the same little boy she had spun in circles in the ballroom late at night when he couldn’t sleep. She would stay up at all hours of the day just to see him happy.

It broke her heart when the smiles stopped. All she wanted was her baby to smile. Lily got him to smile sometimes, but it was never enough. It would never be enough for Narcissa.

Never enough love, hugs, attention, or money could ever repair Narcissa from the damage her family had caused on her and her son.

***

Sirius Orion Black. The family troublemaker, rule-breaker, and rebel. A lion in a pit of snakes. If anyone were to act like Alphard and drive Walburga even further up the wall - it would be her own son. She had never expected to see what it was like to raise Alphard all over again, but Sirius did just that. He had put up a fight since he was born.

At eleven years of age, Sirius was sorted into Gryffindor and became the second blood-traitor. His father hated him from then on and would abuse him with the unforgivable curses. They told him he was no longer a suitable heir, and it fell to his youngest brother; Regulus Black. Though Sirius could see who Regulus truly was even if he was too afraid to find it within himself. Sirius understood that; their family was terrifying. Only in things for money, power, and keeping the name of Black pure. Though incest was the farthest thing from pure.

Sirius also noted at eleven years of age that he was a few steps ahead of his dorm-mates in puberty and interests. Within two months of him being at Hogwarts, he had kissed a girl two years older than him and was already trying to figure out the two girls his family had chosen for him to marry when they were of age. Kissing and flirting with girls made him sick. Sirius soon realised that he wanted one of his best friends.

He realised his feelings were getting stronger when his friends came back after Summer Break in 93’ and Remus’ voice was deeper, his face was sharper, and he had grown a few inches. Sirius could never act right around him anymore. He noticed little things about Remus he hadn’t before, his quirks became cute, changing in front of him got awkward, and he got flustered seeing him fresh out of a shower. It was hard to tell what Remus was feeling since he was always blushing.

He was thirteen when he first kissed Remus. They were alone one day talking about crushes and things when Sirius looked into Remus’ amber eyes and whispered; “You.” Remus was blushing hard and smiling randomly the rest of the day but either of them would deny it whenever Peter or James asked what was going on.

Sirius was sixteen when he ran away to the Potters because his parents found out he was gay and dating a half-blood. He couldn’t even fathom what they would do if they found out that his boyfriend was a werewolf. He would occasionally go back home just because of Regulus.

He would never forget what his father uttered to him just before he grabbed Regulus’ hand and ran with him out of their father’s office before anything worse could happen. ‘You disobeyed the rules! You are to keep the line pure, marry a woman and raise perfect heirs!’ It would never happen. And he even said it out loud; ‘That would be very unlikely.’ He closed his eyes to take a deep breath when he remembered what had happened next.

His world flipped upside down a few times; being betrayed by one of his best friends, living through a war, finding out he was pregnant at seventeen, and marrying the love of his life at nineteen. Although, when he had held his little girl (Omega metamorphagus/trans Veela) he thought everything would be alright.

Until it wasn’t and the Aurors threw him into Azkaban at twenty-two. He lost his family, his husband, his son and daughter, his friends, his lovers, and his brothers. (Remus rescued him two years later.)

***

Regulus Arcturus Black. Although the youngest and perfect in everyone’s eyes, has some pretty well-hidden secrets of his own. Like how he would dance with girls just to spite his family but then he would get his brother to signal for him if he ended up getting thrown towards a girl his family wanted him to marry and walk away.

Regulus Black...

The biggest rule follower. Followed in his family’s footsteps even if he had not agreed with everything they were saying. Did all he could to get on his parents’ good side. As he grew up, he realised there was no good side. It was either “follow us to death” or “run as far as you can and make a life of your own in hiding to gain safety”.

His parents were wrong when they said to him and Sirius that all they had in common was black curly hair, chiseled faces, and grey eyes. They were similar in brave stupidity, chivalry, and honesty. Regulus may have been sorted into Slytherin but there was no doubt he had a heart of a lion, making him a lion in a snake’s den whereas his brother was a snake in a lion’s den. Sure Sirius was a Gryffindor, and that is where he belonged, but there was no escaping the teachings and rules of their family.

You could change yourself, think differently, and behave differently but you were still going to be holding on to knowledge of Dark Arts and how to protect yourself even if it meant death. Sure other people would fight to death, but some would stop before someone got hurt.

Not his family. If it wasn’t what they wanted; they would never listen and never stop until the last breath was taken. Even once you get away from them and years later become unrecognisable to them, there are going to be moments where you have a thought or two on what they did, who they were, how you were raised, and questioning the lies even after finding truth.

Another thing they were similar in?

Being gay.

Sirius’ friend was right. You are born the way you are. You can’t help who you love.

And Regulus couldn’t help but love James.

It shattered him to break up with him when he became caught in the turmoil of Voldemort.

Once Regulus went running back to James - even though he was married to Lily - he took him back into his arms and they welcomed him into a home where there was nothing but love.

Regulus thought he could not love two people; that it was wrong. Even with seeing Narcissa and Sirius doing so.

They showed him he could, and it was alright.

They protected him, helped him, and rescued him.

Unfortunately he still died at eighteen leaving behind his husband, two daughters, a son, and another unborn son. (Or did he?)

***

So what makes love forbidden?

Nothing.

Love is love is love.

[plounce]

a thing i am doing right now is i am writing a post-canon cardassia garashir fic BUT it is wholly made up of primary sources and secondary sources discussing garashir in later cardassian society because in present canon cardassia is like homophobic so their relationship was kept verrrrry private, so a lot of historians in the future debate over whether garak and bashir were together or not. ambiguity and all that. im a history major. all the secondary sources are post-post-canon when cardassia is like. more socially liberal about certain things, where the writers are reflecting on that period of cardassian history. anyway these are the sections i have written / planned so far

bashir's will that asks for certain documents to be preserved “for the sake of historical preservation, so that future generations may know Elim not just as a patriotic statesman but as a warm and loving man.” <-- homo

a book on present-canon cardassian homophobia, going into the social history. this section got really long because i talked about trans cardassians navigating around homophobia a lot. bc the homophobia is from a place of “you have to have children” but like (binary) trans ppl are okay so like those people who marry in ways that don’t appear childbearing tended to have children really quick to escape that. but yeah i still need to finish this bit bc i need to actually talk about the homophobia not just the trans people

list of cardassian homophobic slurs. yeah lmao i know. we have fun here. one of the ones for “lesbians” is “friend of sapohi” because i couldn’t resist making up lizard alien sappho

first physical letter garak sends bashir post-canon when there’s power shortages and bashir is stationed a long way away. they’re not together yet. sort of an introduction. these letters are one of the only personal documents garak left behind bc he’s paranoid and very private

a federation relief worker’s notes on a briefing about power rationing, which is some further explanation about why the fuck star trek people would be writing letters on paper instead of their weird ipads

second letter garak sends bashir. idk what’s gonna be in that yet but i do know garak says “your doodle of me was charming but inaccurate”. just one side of the conversation bc bashir kept his letters from garak while garak read the letters bashir sent him, memorized them, and destroyed them for security reasons.

record request emails from a cardassian history graduate student to a federation archivist asking for access to any messages from the o’briens about bashir but oh no :( the o’briens only marked for archival some videos of their grandkids :( and also a video of a random cardassian kid from bashir? weird. this one was really fun

one of the last messages bashir sent o’brien through starfleet comms that’s like right before he leaves for cardassia. nothing Concrete but definitely Hmmm-able

an excerpt from a book about the history of offworlders on cardassia, which includes a letter from one of garak’s political opponents as an example of reactionary xenophobia. basically it’s just a letter where this dude is very rude and homophobic about bashir. but it’s fine because he uses fake homophobia

political cartoon where bashir is portrayed as a seducer trying to get cardassia to assimilate into the federation. meant to be kind of funny imo. might commission karin to draw it for me. i think bashir tried to frame it in their house but garak like super hated it but idk if i can squeeze that in

transcript of an interview bashir gave on his views on cardassian politics, trying to be like “haha im just here to be a doctor, im not trying to be a spy or anything, but yeah i do agree with the people who like social programs and the rights of the disadvantaged etc etc”

an excerpt from a speech parmak gives like a decade after that after a piece of orphan rights legislation got passed that thanks bashir for the consultation and support. heheh

third letter from garak to bashir. probably like. subtly indicates that their relationship is on the verge of romantic. the last letter

a negative book review of a book that argues that garak and bashir were together. the review is just like “terrans are just Like That!!” plus some other stuff like “they lived together bc nobody would rent a house to an offworlder in this era!!” and stuff like that. im looking forward to writing this

the entries on garak and bashir from a children’s book on cardassian heroes. very saccharine and glossy and patriotic. bashir especially is like “once he stepped foot on cardassian soil he knew he loved this land” etc etc. amusingly inaccurate

the speech of one of garashir’s grandchildren (they take in some wards - non-blood related adoption is formally recognized on cardassia after the wards are of age) while accepting some medical award that thanks her grandfather elim garak for the support and her beloved elder julian bashir for his advice and support

a foreword from a book of poetry written by one of their GREAT-grandchildren who thanks his grandfather for the love of literature passed down to him. because Oh You Know

idk where this will go but cardassians discussing a federation documentary about The Heroes Of The Dominion War that says “oh yeah bashir went on to become the first naturalized citizen of cardassia. elim garak became an important figure in the new cardassian government. they were common law married” and the cardassians being like THEY REALLY SAID THAT? and some cardassians being mad and some cardassians being like Someone’s Fucking Saying It Finally!

still thinking of other sections that go a bit more into their children/married life. maybe also some other incidents. the thing about this is it’s such a fun little exercise to think of different ways to angle into this relationship and this society through surviving primary sources and variations on secondary sources. it’s a puzzle though because i want a lot of differentiation

im thinking ill conclude it with like their great great grandchild releasing some documents from them that confirm their relationships that were meant to published like a couple centuries later when hopefully cardassia was more accepting. because i want gay people to get the last laugh and assert their places in history and regain control over how society sees them. yk

sorry this post is like so insanely long and also kind of deranged in concept. im kind of fucking tired of my main twitter being this place where i have to remember that 21k people follow me (because i post c*tcrumb art on my main twtter) that im trying to make tumblr a place where i can just run my mouth yk. anyway. hey i got really into ds9 in the second week of march

[princessnijireiki]

the internet is crazy bc on the one hand, I can go from a conversation abt rice cookers on reddit to someone being like "all these people saying mother teresa was a fucking asshole sound like gossip. source???"

and while that sounds like it was in bad faith, they were just... young? like too young to remember how her being a bitch was all over the place in the early '00s bc the catholic church fast tracked her beatification partly to try & squeeze in more good press before john paul ii died, and MAJORLY as a smokescreen for the vast numbers of clergy sex abuse coverups coming to light. and when I provided a link they thanked me & we went on with our evenings!

but then I come on here and there's some little popular post about an ep of xena that had an hiv+ trans woman guest star, and yeah, the usual babygay revisionism of how progressive it was when in the 90s it was still a "man in a dress" concept, xena kissing this woman would specifically not have been seen as scandalous as a "real" lesbian kiss at the time bc this actress would have been seen as a man— we are talking about an episode contemporary with the seinfeld "crying game" episode, the xena ep probably wasn't as mean spirited, but let's be real— but what got ME was a reblog adding, "oh, and she was hiv+, back in the 90s when aids had a much greater social stigma."

and THAT was my "I'm too old for this shit" moment bc yeah, youthful ignorance, but "much greater social stigma" is such a bizarre understatement that I cannot be civil lmao...

"MUCH GREATER SOCIAL STIGMA" like it technically isn't WRONG but it's so NOT RIGHT I'd rather see young people genuinely mistaken & misled by conservative propaganda get enlightened than watch faux educated youths manage to sidestep the crushing physical realities of the aids crisis for anachronistic historically revisionist woke points that xena warrior princess doesn't need over "representation" that was horny bait & shock factor primetime bait & gag fodder at the same time, and which even with this specific newfound social media hype & tumblr spin STILL doesn't even pass a modern transmisogyny sniff test.

anyway. old man yelling at clouds or whatever. but goddamn this is how I know any fool on this website talking about gay elders or claiming to be one is full of horseshit, because some of y'all would rather be as loud and wrong as possible in defense of literal will & grace level COMEDY (which, yeah, edgy for the time! and has not aged well!), a gag with as much subtlety as a looney toons bugs bunny sketch, than to possibly acknowledge progress means we all have nostalgia for & cut our teeth on some gnarly retrograde shit, and that laughing at it or treating it fondly means you DO have more growing & learning to do, especially if you're ALSO gonna pull an inverse "that was fighting for gay rights and people were killed" stonewall comment on THE AIDS CRISIS like you're a fucking infant whose only familiarity with the era isn't even rent or angels in america or philadelphia, but literally ONLY ryan murphy media, and MAYBE alan ball & jk rowling's serophobic vampire/werewolf std allegories in fiction on top.

[luhanvirus]

Butterfly Effect

 In which a 29-year-old gay LXC married his 26-year-old family friend JC (who happens to be a trans man) out of convenience so that both of their traditional families would leave them alone and let them live their lives, without thinking that he will find love in this marriage.

N/A: Xicheng AU based on that Redditor who shared his touching AF love story.

For the #CultivaTober2020, another story that no one asked me. Incomplete for the lack of time.

Day 23: Butterfly

.

A lot of people like to think that love comes before marriage, oftentimes it doesn't always work out that way. 

Sometimes people get married because of different pressures and expectations put on them by society and their families, but that doesn't mean you can't find love in this kind of situation.

Lan Xichen didn’t expected falling in love with his husband.

They didn’t marry for love, actually they married to make a giant scam on their families.

It maybe be weird, but Lan Xichen was a gay man that came from a wealthy and traditional Chinese family where he managed the business extension abroad. 

And as the current heir of the company after his father’s death, the elders didn’t liked when he came up openly about his homosexuality and they didn’t accept it. No matter how many times Xichen said them that he wouldn’t marry a man, they still wanted him very married to a lady from a good and influential family.

One day Xichen got tired and said them clearly that he will just stay single, so they should stay out of his business.

That kind of worked for four years, until the last year when uncle Lan Qiren trapped him in a visit with a this “girl” that was the single “daughter” of one of their business allies and left them alone in a room.

Xichen looked at her, she was pretty indeed. His posture emitted an air of confidence and his almond gray eyes resembled storm clouds, like lighting bolts would appear in any moment to attack, her short black hair was pulled into a bun with a purple ribbon and she wore a big violet hoodie that covered all her body curves. 

It was so obvious that neither of them wanted to be here.

Anyways, Xichen didn’t expected that this person would misunderstand the whole situation:

“Listen to me, because I’m not going to repeat myself. I’m a trans male and I’m not out of my family and I DON’T WANT to get married to you”, blunted out the person. “You don’t want to be married with me because I am a MAN, so just leave it!”

Lan Xichen blinked, really shocked.

Did she.... Did he really thought that I set up the visit?

“I don’t even like women, what do you mean?” Xichen babbled, confused at least.

The boy looked at him, suspicious.

“What did you said?”

Xichen massaged the left side of his forehead, without knowing if the should laugh or cry at the turn of the events. “Well, I’m gay.”

When he said it, he didn’t wanted to be funny.

He was serious.

“Oh my god,” mumbled the boy before to start laughing loudly. “My mom will die if she knows!”

At least one of them was having a good time, finding the whole thing hilarious.

Xichen didn’t noticed when he started to laugh too.

Well, could you blame him? This was so ridiculous. Yet, they ended being friends after that unfortunate turn of the events. They even exchanged numbers before to part away.

. 　   ·  ✦

“I knew it was her, she’s perfect. Well mannered and ...”

Uncle Qiren was delighted at the idea that Xichen was cured from homosexuality, the poor man still has hopes that he would change his mind and will fall in love with the little daughter of Jiang Fengmian haha.

If you only know, uncle. Thought Xichen, having a good time that night.

Unlike Wangji who seemed worried, he was his only support in those kinda family meetings.

“Brother.”

Xichen smiled at his brother, relieved that everything ended in good terms even if it was a disaster. “Don’t worry, Wangji. I know what I’m doing.” 

He couldn’t be more wrong.

Wangji looked at him, unconvinced. “If you say so.”

However, Xichen didn’t overthink it in the moment because Jiang Wanyin was someone really nice to talk by the way, so he keep talking with him.

And they talked a lot through nine weeks.

What made both families to get excited at the match, they never got this far with any other candidates. 

So they kept pushing them about marriage.

Xichen didn’t knew why, but one day they just accepted to marry each other. He remember that both were "like yeah, screw it" and that’s how they got quickly married in Yunmeng a summer day of August to get their families off of their backs.

Wanyin moved at Gusu with him and both pulled a giant scam on their families and got away with it.

No matter how you see it, it was a win-win situation. Wanyin lived his own life and take the guest room for himself while Xichen didn’t get more cutting remarks about being gay because he has a “wife” now.

Life was easygoing, so he let Wanyin cut his hair short and stop dressing feminine as his family forced him.

It was a little gesture, but that small change resulted in something unexpected.

. 　   ·  ✦

The things had been so smooth sailing between them that they even adopted a dog, Xichen was having a good time when he come to his house now that he has a roommate and a pet.

It felt more like a home than the place where he’s slept.

He didn’t noticed before, but his house didn’t felt like a home before he married.

Wanyin resume his university studies and made new friends, he was so comfortable and happy that he started to cooking dinner for both of them recently. Sometimes Xichen couldn’t eat with him because he returned at home passed by midnight, but he tried to return early at home to share at least a couple of dinners together at week.

That night Xichen got a little late, but Wanyin stayed with him in the dinning room. Looking him eat everything and even repeating a dish.

“Were you hungry, huh?”

Xichen was used to not talk when he eat because he was educated like that, but he found rude to not reply his husband at the same time. So he did an exception that night.

After all, Wanyin cooked that delicious food for him and waited for him.

“I didn’t have lunch today.”

Wanyin looked at him, with a bothered frown in his eyebrows. It reminded Xichen the first time that they share a dinner in home and he couldn’t stand the spicy food that Wanyin cooked. 

That time he thought he would die, but he survived to Wanyin spicy food.

Now he’s getting to used to piquant food.

“I can cook your lunch.”

“You don’t have to do it, Wanyin.”

“What kind of husband am I if I left my spouse starving?” Wanyin teased him, smirking.

. 　   ·  ✦

Next morning Xichen didn’t expected that Wanyin would fulfill his word and made a lunch for him, even his coworkers seemed surprised to see him eating in his office instead to skipping the lunch when he had important meetings. 

That day he had a meeting with Nie Mingjue and Jin Guangyao, so they planned to invite him to eat a hotpot without knowing that Xichen would refuse.

When they saw why he refused, they stayed to accompany him.

It seems that it was a friendship duty annoy at your recently married friends.

“Now Xichen-ge gots lovely lunchs made by his wife, I’m jealous”, said Jin Guangyao as he looked for food delivery on his telephone for him and Mingjue, they didn’t want to leave his friend alone if they could tease him.

Mingjue nudged at Xichen, grinning “As your childhood friend, I demand to be the godfather of your first child.”

“That’s unfair, Da-ge! Let Xichen-ge chose the godfather!!”

Xichen smiles nervously at his friends, feeling a cold sweet in this forehead.

“We are not having kids.”

Mingjue raised an eye brown, confused. “Why not?”

Xichen felt conflicted.

Well, these were his friends and he should trust them, right? He wasn’t ashamed of his husband, actually he felt proud that he could be himself since they met.

“Uhm, how I could say this? My “wife” is a trans male, so...”

“Oh.”

“It’s complicated, we got it.” Ends the conversation Jin Guangyao, putting a hand in Mingjue’s mouth. 

. 　   ·  ✦

Months passed fast and it was December when Xichen realized that his husband started to getting closer to him.

Not like they were strangers before, but something changed after Christmas.

Wanyin started to watch tv with him in the sofa when Xichen was in home, eating with him every time they can, buying him stuff and even texting him more frequently, sending photos of him and Huan Huan when he go to walk their puppy. He even started staying in Xichen’s room to facetime his mom because she always complained about how he always facetimed alone so he came to Xichen bed to get him to say hi.

And after a while, Wanyin got tired to get out of Xichen’s bed to go back to his own to sleep, so he moved to Xichen room permanently.

Before Xichen knew, they escalated to cuddling awaken and sleeping.

Contrary to Xichen could think, it wasn’t that weird.

Actually it felt heartwarming to hold his tiny husband on his arms, specially when their puppy dog was in the middle of them. Enjoying the warm between his owners.

It made him feel something, but he wasn’t sure what.

. 　   ·  ✦

“When are you two going to give us a grandchild?” Wanyin’s mother asked them one day via facetime.

Wanyin went all red, screaming. “Mom!”

It was obvious that he didn’t wanted to have this conversation with his mother.

Xichen was beside him in the bed, working on his laptop before to speak in the name of the two. “We want to enjoy our youth first. So no kids for now.”

Hoping that Wanyin wouldn’t mind with his idea.

They didn’t talked about children, yet.

His mother-in-law sounded a bit beaten after that, but she insisted on encourage Wanyin to make his own family as if their dog wasn’t their son already. 

When Wanyin cut the call, Xichen finished his work so he put the computer aside.

“Sorry, Xichen.”

“Why? It’s not your fault that your mother want another grandchild.”

Wanyin looked at him before sprawled out on top of him, doing random things and Xichen was unsure what it means. “Then, how many children do you want?” 

He asked so suddenly that got Xichen out of guard.

“What?”

“I’m joking, do you want children anyways?”

He was always like that since they got close to each other last year, always joking around him.

Sometimes Xichen didn’t know if he was joking or being serious.

“I don’t know, I never thought about having kids.” Xichen blurt out of his mind, smiling at the thought that they have this level of communication to talk about things like this. “What about you?”

“We have Huan Huan, enough for me.”

“I don’t think your mother 

“Well, Huan Huan would be the only grandson that I’m going to give her.”

. 　   ·  ✦

They almost kissed twice, one time when they were cuddling in the bed and the other one when Wanyin started sitting on Xichen’s lap, nuzzling him and stuff like that.

Their faces were so close that Xichen thought they were going to kiss.

It was so close that he could feel his hot breath, but then Wanyin went all red and jumped ship at the last minute. Xichen felt so disappointed that they didn't kissed already, but he thought that he understand why Wanyin might not kiss him.

He must be thinking that he doesn't want this or something like that.

Contrary to what people could think about his husband, Wanyin had the tendency to overthink things.

He still was working on this, but Xichen couldn’t handle with the self-isolation and the romantic? tension in the house every time he saw Wanyin flustering and getting shy around him.

It was odd after met the confident and a little arrogant side of his husband, so this new side made him feel things that he didn’t know he could feel for Wanyin.

Xichen even feel butterflies in the stomach every time they get close for any reason.

He just wants to kiss Wanyin so badly that he felt embarrassed.

He was so screwed.

. 　   ·  ✦

One day, Xichen couldn’t stand the situation anymore. He was still a little unsure about his own feelings so he talked long and tended with his friends at the bar about how he wants to take Wanyin on dates and kiss him and let him speak as much as he wants because Wanyin likes to talk about the things that he loves and how much he loves their dog, he could talk about Huan Huan all day and Xichen wouldn't mind, he loves their puppy too.

In the end, he ended asking advice to asking his husband out.

“I want him be happy and I want myself be happy. So how can I ask my literal husband of nine months to be in an actual relationship with me?”

"Talk to him. Tell him what you’re feeling. Ask if he feels the same way," said Mingjue.

“You made it sound that simple, Da-ge.”

"I think you should let him know that you’re open to having a more intimate relationship. It seems he’s feeling something too since he’s cuddling you,” added Jin Guangyao.

“I don’t know what to do.”

Mingjue take a a big sip of wine before to talk again. “Just close your eyes and jump, man. You got this."