#and when i look on youtube all it gives me are shitty youtube shorts showing me how to draw Not anything useful to me

[floweypilled]

how to find very like overly specificdrawing tutorials

[lenalenouilleisblogging]

2024 feminist movie retrospective ~ day 1

Yeah, let's get the big one™ out of the way first. Or one of the two big ones I guess. I'm sure you can guess what the second one is. Just a heads up : even if it doesn't reflect my convictions, I'll use "sex work is work" vocabulary in this review for the sake of time, clarity, and because the movie uses these words. Also obviously graphic talk of sexual content ahead. Spoilers will be in red.

Watched : November 3rd at an independent theater. The showing was quite packed.

I went to see this film with my mom and brother, and the conversation we had after the film immediately made me realize that gen Z male "feminists" like my brother are 100% this movie's target audience. You'll understand why later...

I'm gonna be transparent, I did not go into this with a fully open mind, I had 2 worries from the getgo : one, Adum from YMS gave this movie a 9/10. This guy is one of the most competent YouTube film critics but he's also a spineless, hypocritical liberal "male feminist", every time he recommends a movie about a feminist issue it's a red flag. And two, the only other Sean Baker film I've seen is Red Rocket. If you haven't seen it (honestly good for you) it's about an ex "porn star" who is now too old for the job and is forced to move back to his shitty home town. When he meets a teenage girl who develops an obvious crush on him, he sees it as an opportunity to groom her into "sex work" to make money off her and get back into the industry. Not only was the film really boring with zero likable characters, but knowing what I know now about Sean Baker, a creepy pro-porn, pro-unregulated prostitution """activist""" the movie is even creepier. (Full disclosure, I wasn't aware of these things when I saw Anora)

Let's start with what works in Anora. Honestly, I don't really have anything negative to say about the technical aspects of the film. It's very well shot, well lit, well edited. The dialogues are realistic, fun and dynamic and all the character interactions feel very real and genuine. Mikey Madison is the obvious standout in terms of acting but the rest of the cast is very good as well. The actor who plays Ivan (the husband) is quite good at being an absolute tête-à-claques (face made for slapping) as we say in french. Seriously this guy's insufferable. The two russian henchmen are a new spin on a tired character archetype and they're super likable and entertaining. I also appreciate that they cast Russian actors to play the russian characters, and not USAmerican actors of vaguely slavic descent. That's a big pet peeve of mine.

In short, the way the movie conveys what it conveys is very good. The problem is, well, WHAT it conveys.

Anora is the character who gives the movie its name. She's a prostitute at a strip club who meets Ivan, the son of a russian oligarch. He's a very easy client for her as he's very rich, not violent (or very active at all seemingly) in bed, gives her access to drugs and alcohol and he immediately decides to exclusively hire her. He buys her more and more often, to the point of bringing her to Vegas with his friends as a "date" and the two end up getting married there, and she moves into his massive house.

Problem is, Ivan didn't ask permission before spending massive amounts of money (and marrying a prostitute) in the US and his family's pissed off. They send three henchmen that are supposed to make him divorce Anora and bring him back to Russia, except he runs away and from then on, the movie follows Anora and the three henchmen in wacky situations as they look for him.

I just made the plot of this movie sound way more clear and concise than it actually is. Because in the actual final product, the rhythm is WACK. But that's by design. The movie sacrifices a lot to make the audience's dick hard, because a lot of it is just porn.

Ivan's family intervenes around the 45min mark, before that we follow Anora as she lives her prostitute life. We also see a lot of other prostitutes at the club she works at. The movie is EXTREMELY explicit for no reason. From what I can remember, there are at least 6 or 7 sex scenes (I count stripping scenes as sex scenes here) in that first third which is enormous, they don't seem to serve a purpose and seem to only exist to titillate the male audience. The stripping scenes in particular are just full dance/stripping routines with the actress shaking her ass and naked breasts at the camera. It drags on and it's very uncomfortable to watch. But hey what do I know. When people suggest skipping the sex scenes to move on to the actual plot this is how men on reddit react :

The movie's sexism doesn't stop at gratuitous sex and nudity. There's also the fact that Anora is BARELY a character. Apart from the fact that she fights off the russians to stay married to Ivan, she makes no real decision at all in the film. She has no fears, wants or dreams. She is entirely defined by what other people do TO her. She has no real personality, especially since the character herself plays a role of sort for a lot of it. She plays the role of a willing, consenting girlfriend/wife with Ivan AND with his family. As shown in the trailer, she's very angry and aggressive with the henchmen during a lot of the film, she physically fights them, she has a foul mouth, she's constantly antagonizing everyone. But it never makes her feel real. She feels like a character archetype in a hentai game. The rude prostitute with the Brooklyn accent who gets into fights but is super sweet to her rich husband <3

Apart from that, the most emotion we see from her is the final scene, after the final confrontation with Ivan's family. Him and Anora divorce, she's not gonna get anything out of it, she even gives the ring back, and she goes back to her sister's place where she lived at the beginning of the film. One of the henchmen, Igor, has been tasked with driving her there. (Igor is a very silent character but the camera often shows us his reactions to the action, and it's abundantly clear that he was on HER side during this whole ordeal) Before she exits the car, Igor reveals that he has managed to snatch the ring back, and he gives it to Anora. Anora then climbs on top of Igor in the car, and long story short (the scene is once again an uncomfortable length) she puts his penis in her and does her thing until he cums. (I feel like even in the context of the film I can't call what she does sex because it's something she does very clinically and almost on auto-pilot) Igor then tries to kiss her, which sends her into a fit of rage, she starts hitting him then slowly starts crying and breaks down in his arms. End of the movie.

So. If you're watching this movie with a feminist eye, the final scene feels like it makes sense. This poor woman has finally found a way to """escape sex work""" by sticking to one client who's not too bad, and just when it becomes comfortable, she is snatched back to the cold reality. When a man does something nice for her completely selflessly, she reacts by giving him sex because it feels to her like it's the only way to say thank you, she only sees sex as something transactional. What defines her interactions with all men. But when it turns out this man likes her as a person and not just as a piece of meat, she doesn't know how to react because it's so unknown to her. And she ends the movie sobbing because after all that, she has to go back to poverty and full-time sex work.

When it's told like this, it almost seems like this narrative takes a stand against prostitution right? It shows us how it broke this woman, how miserable she is, how it affects all of her relationships. Except that's when it all crumbles, because what makes this movie horrible is that this is very much NOT its message.

(just a quick note about the character of Igor because I don't know where in the review to put this : I'm curious what other women, especially women who are survivors, felt about him. That character actually really worried me for a big part of the film. Every time he was alone with Anora (which happens a few times) I was expecting something horrible to happen. In the end obviously it was fine, because this movie takes place in a fantasy land where strippers love their job and criminal henchmen are never inappropriate towards the tied up prostitute they're meant to be intimidating. And yeah I sincerely believe that the character is supposed to be read as this innocent guy who has a crush on Anora or at least really respects her. That's what I meant by "likes her as a person" anyway!)

As I said at the beginning of this post (approximately 84 years ago) I had a conversation with my mother and brother over some fries after the film. My mother and I started talking about how sad we were for the main character, saying pretty much what I've written in these last paragraphs. And then my brother intervenes. "No" he says. "She's so sad at the end of the film because she was genuinely in love with Ivan and that's why she fought so hard to stay married to him, and she has sex with Igor at the end because she likes him too, she has grown attracted to him during the movie." I'm sure you can imagine the look of disbelieving shock on my mother's and my face. The details of the discussion that followed don't matter (My brother was the only one who hadn't been made extremely uncomfortable by the half hour of sex and stripping in the film, funny that) but it made me think.

Let's see this movie for what it is. It's an hour of misery porn that follows 45 minutes of actual porn. It's the misadventures of a poor prostitute who gets thrown around by the plot, written, directed, and produced by a man who believes prostitution should be 100% unregulated and is proud of being a big onlyfans patron. (and holy shit don't look at his following list on twitter) Oh yeah, and he was okay with not having an intimacy coordinator because Mikey Madison didn't want one. It's fine if it's what she wanted right? Liberal feminism is starting to sound like a parody of itself.

As much as it hurts to admit, I think the film my "male feminist" brother believes he saw is closer to what the creator intended than what I think I saw. Because it just makes sense. If it's a porn fantasy about a prostitute who loves her job and falls in love with a rich client, then yeah, the nudity and sexual content are on theme. The ending is still bleak as fuck tho. But let's not forget that the movie at its core is still just award bait. And no wonder the old guys who give these awards loved it. It was made for them. And it's also easier for everyone, no one likes how dark the real world is. They want easy archetypes. That's why radical feminism is unpopular, it's depressing. This movie's highest rated comment on letterboxd is just "a terrifying tale of dating a mama's boy" because yeah, apparently everybody else agrees that what we saw in this film was "dating". What the hell, sure. I'm sure these people also thought Red Rocket was about a harmless cute couple with a bit of an age gap. Well anyway, that was my last Sean Baker.

Final rating : KAM/10

This post wasn't meant to be this long! I had more to say than expected. The other reviews won't be nearly as long. The only other movie I predict I'll yap this much about might be the other big one. See you tomorrow, same time for part 2!

[wildpeachfarm]

As respectfully as possible, this anger at Kwite is exactly the kind of reaction that gives Dream fans a bad name on the internet. Assuming malice or dehumanization over a guy wanting to go through a video Dream put out in public is not a good look. I understand that as fans we are all sensitive about the situation, but unfortunate wording aside, I think Kwite maybe just maybe wanted to go through Dream’s video to show why it worked. Like Dream said in his video, he is one of the only, if not the only. YouTuber to gain significant subscribers without uploading and after a massive controversy. That’s an achievement worth toting. While Kwite should be cautioned to at least contact Dream first before diving in, I really don’t think saying things like “my respect for him went down��� about this is the right move. This seeming overreaction (seeming because I do get the sentiment) is going to have people pointing and going “see, told you his fan base was weird; look at how they’re treating Kwite for daring to speak their precious boy’s name.”

It’s not a good look, friends.

Okay, I am going to try to be as nice as possible about this but I am already having a shitty night so bear with me because my patience is in very short supply right now.

first of all, this is happening on tumblr where kwite will never see it. I can say whatever I want about him here. On twitter I have been perfectly nice about it while giving him valid criticism.

Also, I cannot control what anyone else says and putting this here is unnecessary when he only sees what is on twitter. So post your thoughts there, not here. I've already posted on here to be cordial to him on twitter.

Additionally, kwite has not been nice to dream in the past. I have absolutely no reason to assume the best-case scenario when he has lolcow'd dream to death for content before. People are perfectly within their right to be concerned about this and frankly, the way he worded his tweet was HORRIBLE. Using the word "dissect" and that his fans "want blood" does not indicate good things. Also, it has been 8 months- kwite could've done this back in January. But now it seems stupid to bring it up again when we are all incredibly fucking tired of this. Nat (who was literally somewhat involved in the Jamie shit) is begging him to not bring it up. THIS WILL HURT PEOPLE INVOLVED.

I've never said "my respect for him has gone down" or anything similar so I think maybe you should say this to someone who has actually said that because it's pointless to say to me haha.

We cannot all hold our tongues about everything for fear of looking bad. Most of the people in his comment section have been perfectly respectful and obviously, no one is encouraging people to be vile because we all understand that's not a good way to act. But the people currently saying "oh dream stans are on his ass now" are internet trolls that do not have a single valid reason for thinking our criticism is "harassment" when it's not.

People are allowed to think this could be bad and preemptively try to stop him from doing it because it will do more harm than good. Most people have been nice to him- we don't claim the people who are being freaks. Kwite's wording has given people valid reasons to be concerned.

that is all.

[melodyofthevoid]

Spotify Discovery 10/2

Lot of ukulele tracks in this one, and it’s a mixed bag. I cannot explain for the life of me what makes a ukelele song sound not bad to me but when I crack that code you’ll know.

Generally good though! The bad tracks though I hated more than last time. Also sorry for the delay I had work and a litany of other things (other writing projects) that distracted me lmao.

Good:

Playing on Train Tracks: Very Mountain Goats in its execution, note that it does cover self-destructive behaviors so be wary but the honesty here is captured so well. I love the use of language and metaphor, cutting live wires, standing on the cliff but never jumping, standing on the train tracks, it hits. The simple instrumentals isn’t overly “stripped down” it fits the subject. Good stuff.

What We Have is You: A song from Kipo, a nice little lullaby. Don’t remember what the context of this bit was in the show but I really liked it. Sterling K Brown has a nice voice.

The Dragon of Climate Change: Not one I’ll listen to frequently but I did enjoy the jaunty folk feel combined with the “fuck the rich” vibes. Calling out carbon credits was a good bit. Very bard core.

Lover (take me to the moon): Gives me confused person in love and I think it works. I wish I could really say what makes these sorts of songs click with me vs brush them off as kinda overdone but I’m afraid it’s a mystery to me as well.

Ghost Choir Vocals: Gives the iconic Ghost Choir lyrics in the style of “Mr.Sandman” and the singer is absolutely lovely. Fun and short, always a treat to hear the ghost choir in general and Louie’s instrumentals lend to the singer’s voice.

Davy Jones: I’ve listened to this cover a shit ton on Youtube and still love the vocals. The Davy Jones/Calypso storyline is a fav and there’s just. Mwah. Chef’s kiss vibes. Not much to say here other than absolute banger. (For an improved experience look up the duet version).

Suffering: A dance to agony, it works in a way of celebrating despite it all. The singer is lovely, the guitar is jaunty, and the rhythm is fast and fun. I like it! Gives me Crane Wives vibes and that’s always a plus for me.

Medusa in a Stone Garden: There’s an interesting energy around this one kinda folk rock? I like the Medusa energy, the repetition can wear on at times but other than that? Excellent.

The Water is Fine: Gives me Mariza/Delta vibes, there’s nice overlap on the vocals, there’s energy here too that is fun. A bit Oh Hellos, a bit Amazing Devil.

Anywhere But Here: A lovely little music box style waltz, very romantic. Melancholic too, and just the sort of thing I like to wind down to.

Duet in Death: Another classical piece, I’m sure if I knew more about the webtoon Nevermore I’d have more of an affinity? But a duet between a piano and a violin is one I’m always a sucker for. I adore violins when they’re done well and this one is spectacular.

Devil’s Flesh & Bones: Another WTNV alumni! Eliza Rickman is neat, she’s got a very distinct voice, kinda Cabaret and kinda jazz. This one all works for me.

Neutral:

Rises the moon: The vocal performance of this cover is… a little shaky at times? But I like the song and I think that it’s alright.

Tough to be a Bug: A twee little ukulele ditty, it’s cute but not really one that I’ll listen to. A bit too soft for me ig.

Bird Song: Not the Florence and the Machine song, but a different one. I enjoyed the folk vibes but the chorus has this kinda tropical electronica and that’s just not my vibe? The song has a general montage feel which works for what it is but a meh experience overall.

A Shitty Gay Song About You: The guitar plus the twinkly xylophone and the monotone vocals aren’t… really my vibe. The lyrics are kinda neat, but it’s not for me. I could see someone making a cute animatic to it though.

I think I want to be alone: Relatable but the style is a little too TikTok for me with the playful vibes combined with the depressing lyrics? Doesn’t scratch an itch for me.

Nah

Katarina Josephina: I’m not really sure what to make of this one. It’s got the trappings of a folk story song but it’s got a strange energy to it. Not certain what to say doesn’t work for me, but the trap break definitely does not.

The Spider’s Face: I like the song Nothing from this musical but goddamn this one is too “playful sing song evil” for me. The plucking strings and the vocals… it does not do it for me. Very unpleasant to listen to.

Aisling Song: I do not enjoy listening to children sing. This is a child singing in a very ~dreamlike~ way. I’m sure this works in the movie “Secret of Kells” but without the visuals I would really rather not listen.

PATROCLUS MEETS HIS FATE: I love orchestral stuff, I love video game music, but the artificial strings really take away any of the grandiosity for me. It’s very canned and I’m not a fan.

Typical Me: DSMP song and not a good one. I don’t like the vocals or the lyrics. Very monotone and unpleasant.

Give a Little: The saxophone and vintage swing feel are neat but I reaaaaally don’t like the vocals. They ruin it for me. Sorry CG5 but really not doing it for me.

64 Little White Things: This is Scary Jokes with the vocal style and again. Not a fan of that. There’s something about the vocals that just sets my teeth on edge, the sing/talking style with the modulation and the carnival music… no. Can’t do it.

[kelmenton]

Life updates & musings | April 2025

Top surgery, festivals, and the change in venue

How are we all enjoying late spring? It’s been a little while since I posted a general update. I’m still getting used to blogging, I suppose. When I’ve blogged in the past, it has had a particular theme or goal – I was required to start and upkeep a blog for my MA, for example, but I mostly posted about the research I was doing at the time. I don’t have the same time on my hands to devote to Viking literature (a tragedy), and mostly I am in workshops or writing or. Watching the world burn. Y’know.

Anyway, my point is that I’m not always entirely sure what it is I want to post here. I’m happy to write about traditional publishing and getting an agent and practical stuff like that; and I’m happy to share little snippets of poems and short fiction that I don’t have another home for. I’m not so great at talking about (gestures vaguely) myself.

This is an affliction I have suffered from since forever, which is inconvenient, because it seems that along with selling your writing you are also supposed to sell yourself.

People want to know the artist, not just consume the art! I too am guilty of trawling through the internet looking for podcasts and interviews that my favourite writers have done over the years. I suppose I just forgot that, should I publish a book, I would also have to present some sort of form of Me that people can read and listen to and watch. A form that the public can consume.

Traditionally I would not have considered myself fit for public consumption, but whatever. I’ve been told that I am off-putting and not a little strange. That’s down to my autism, I’m guessing, coupled with my trans gender and general queerness. What fuckin’ box are you supposed to put me in? How are you meant to talk to me and/or about me?

But I’m sure there are folks out there who are also unsettling, or enjoy perusing the strangeness. So, uh, here we are! I will do my best.

I am raising money for top surgery

A fun fact about Ireland is that TGEU found we rank dead last in transgender healthcare in the EU. Okay, that’s not a fun fact. There really isn’t a way to bring levity to the situation, is there?

In Ireland we do have a National Gender Service, but it still treats transgender people as mentally ill, non-binary folks do not exist to them, and I’d rather tear my eyes out than explain to a doctor that masturbation habits have no bearing on your gender. I feel like a doctor should know that. I feel like any human being should know that. I mean just think about that statement for like four seconds.

Even if I did go the public route for transgender healthcare in Ireland, it wouldn’t matter. First, I’d have to lie and pretend to be a trans man, and reinforce weird gender expectations (“I am definitely a man because I like sports and the colour blue, please treat me like a sane person”), but also there are no top surgeons in Ireland. Zero. Nada. You have to go abroad.

Isn’t that great? Super affordable? Humanising?

I have been dreaming of top surgery since I was 15. I used to take out my shitty little laptop and watch grainy YouTube videos of transmascs giving post-op updates, showing off their scars with big toothy grins.

Good for them! I would think, and then wonder why I felt a sick longing in my stomach.

A few years ago, one of my dearest friends gifted me this badge. I have treasured it since, keeping it in a little purple organza bag, waiting for the day I can wear it.

It has an illustration of a post-op chest, with the crescent moon scars, and reads: Glad I got that off my chest. (Those with keen eyes and/or good memories will see that joke even made its way into A Fix of Light).

I just don’t have the nearly €8k it would cost to fly to another country, have surgery, and stay in a B&B for 3 weeks to recover enough to fly home.

My pride has stopped me from crowdfunding until now. I hate posting about my inability to fend for myself. I hate asking for money when money is so tight for almost everyone right now. But it’s been over a decade since I first wished this wish, and it’s a very strange and lonely feeling, not being at home in your own body. It’s tricky to tolerate. So I’m swallowing my pride and my manners and my sense of decorum and I’m asking for assistance.

Here’s the link to my Ko-Fi, in case you have some mad urge to help me out, or want to share it.

I’m doing some events!

I am thrilled and delighted and kind of amazed to say I have events at both the Cork World Book Festival and West Cork Literary Festival this year!!

Both of these events will be free to attend, but you do need to book your spot!

Being an author with a book out in the world is not like being a musician with a song out on a streaming platform – I have no idea how many books I’ve sold, how many people have read Fix, and whether they’ve liked it or not. That’s fine by me. I think I would drive myself round the bend constantly checking numbers like that (though I do often check Cliffords’ Spotify lol) and in my humble opinion reviews are for other readers, not for me.

I say all of this because I don’t know how many people will be interested in listening to me chit chat about A Fix of Light!!! So I have made a plan: I will chat a bit about the book, but I will also chat a bit about writing in general. I am not very practised at talking at people, moreso talking with or to them, so I’ll make sure to leave room for a bit of back-and-forth or questions-and-answers. I might also go absolutely wild and do a little creative writing exercise with everyone!!

My point being: this is exciting. To be invited in the first place is surreal. On the micro, personal level, I am amazed to be in this position; 18 months ago I was so sure my writing was dead in the water and I was impossibly far from my dream. I’m cheering for my teenage self who got off their ass and actually did the work. Especially when you consider all the hormones and angst and whatnot, lol.

But when I pull back and consider the bigger picture, too, my heart squeezes with a bittersweet hope. Many environments are not very friendly or hospitable to queer/trans and/or autistic people – so it is not lost on me the significance and importance that an artist who looks like me is attending events as big as these.

It’s good to remember, I think, and to take a moment to acknowledge the kindness, especially when everything seems so grim. There are fellow writers and librarians and festival organisers and readers who will champion you and will champion diversity and inclusion. Hope is a verb, hope is an action, hope is something you have to do and tend to, same as love. Don’t forget to count all the little things that feed your hope!

Hey, this isn’t Substack, what gives?

Ah, yes. So you’ve noticed.

I’d just started to get into a groove on Substack when I realised that some of the site’s principles conflicted with my values. Like, treating hate speech as an extension of free speech, à la Meta. Then I read ismatu gwendolyn’s post about why she was leaving Substack (I believe you can read it on Threadings, now, but it’s behind a paywall!) She pointed out that Substack’s so-called “anti-censorship” policy meant that people could post and even monetise racist tirades.

“It’s part of the cultural discourse!!” “It’s freedom of expression!!! Free speech!!!”

No! It’s actually just racists jumping on any chance they can to Be Racist Especially In Public and For Money.

And, yes, whatever, there is no perfect platform, but there are better and worse platforms. I have tried to find one that is, hopefully, better.

For now, anyway. Marginalia may end up hopping around the internet. Please bear with me while I try to figure out this new fangled system!

Best,

Kel x

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[velvetporcelain]

You can blame The Boys for my obsession with calling everything “mon coeur”

Grand rising my beloved void. Your nothingness is looking a bit bland so let me help. 👀💬

I woke up again today and it grounds me. I feel the soreness from the leaps and bounds I have made. I let it slow me down enough to be present mentally and physically.

I have never had this intimate of a relationship with myself. I am truly impressed by my nature. I am truly impressed with my ability to heal myself when I am hurt. I am impressed by my ability to navigate.

There is so much information being processed even more so at rest, so I’m learning to sit comfortably with my thoughts, not endure them. It takes divine focus of some sort. I’m convinced not everyone has realized how high our endurance levels are as humans. I think we have a pretty high tolerance for thought, but we do not have a high tolerance for boredom, simply because there are now able to plug ourselves into devices that keep are mind seriously occupied. Television, computers, phones, tablets. You will never have to endure feeling alone when you have your phone with you right?

One time I purposely did not bring my phone with me to school pick up and I had to awkwardly stand with a bunch of parents but I felt so present in the moment of everything that it made me want to somehow incorporate more of my pre-tech brain if you will.

I have been removing the unnecessary data and information being thrown at me. Ones I know I could easily learn to detach from. This disconnection was a bit more challenging than I anticipated, but I always felt like I was deleting the right information and replacing it with something worth receiving in hopes it awakens unrealized ideas within myself. Aka creative mind.

I do miss the feeling of community that social media is good at giving. But it’s only because there are many of us. I was able to take what I have learned from that sense of community and apply it to my reality. I know what to look for and what brings people together. Community is connection. I do feel connected with at least four of my neighbors and that’s a big deal I think. All people want is community and like minded individuals, and we are a lot more alike in more ways than not.

We say we need to Netflix and chill but even the television has bore me. It has bore me for so long now. I spent my entire childhood plastered right on the ground in front of a television, all through my twenties, where I was practically binging television. Nothing ever good. Shitty reality and cooking shows that I never gained any skill from 😆

Maybe a year ago? I started watching documentaries pretty consistently. It didn’t feel so fictitious, there was a sense of exposure in them. I have to be drawn to it in a certain way in order to pick one which I like the challenge of finding a potentially hidden gem. I am gaining the patience to watch series but I’m still able to get up and walk away when it bores me. In order to endure my idle mind I had gotten into watching YouTube horror shorts because it was efficient and kept giving short bursts of satisfaction. I still enjoy doing that, but it’s like my taste in things is constantly changing.

I almost feel like I’m grasping at something that can consistently help me endure boredom. Or is the point of life waking up every day and thinking of new ways of the world? With all the information we have at our hands. Movies. Books. Television. How could you ever possibly be BORED?

And that’s when it hit me. Why do we get anxious when we feel idle? What is it about us? I want everyone to shut up about being bored. There is absolutely no excuse to me. Boredom is inexcusable.

We have choice.

I have been delightfully quiet. Only the ones who I am connected to know I exist and I am so in love with that idea. I am enjoying this existence, I am an extremely lucky woman, and I act accordingly.

What do you think the phrase “I took it personally “ means?

Does it mean that you, yourself, took spiritual and mental responsibility for something someone said? Obviously there is some odd feeling that ignites.

Does it mean you took a punch of energy right in the gut? Why then is energy only real? When someone takes something personally maybe it makes them feel seen, or alive. I am learning this is the most difficult process to endure. It makes boredom a piece of cake.

The only solution I have come up with is when anyone thinks they know how to manipulate me emotionally and I feel I am going to take things personally, I remember I’m a grown ass woman and I can regulate and dominate my feelings. The fuck. Child watch out. I then gain the ability to detour this into something constructive and understandable. I am able to relieve my personal feelings in exchange for communication and clarity. Teaching myself and others how to set boundaries while also communicating my needs. Helping each other succeed.

I wish to be no one’s enemy. I am working on letting go of the urge to create images of people in my mind. Obviously if I feel there is no advantage to my own existence and no advantage to yours, then I accept the unanswered questions that may possibly be lingering because at this point I can only assume and that is a waste of good brain space. This is where I tend to make people my enemy, but I’m learning how to navigate.

This is where you let in flow. Everything is always going through us. I’m learning this as well. I never like to think I know more than others, I just like to think I feel more than others. I’m learning to express and feel what comes naturally to me and what does not. I’m practicing on putting my mentality at a position in power in order to manage and instill healthy thought discipline and emotional management in order to achieve clear communication and flowing consciousness. No longer jumping to conclusions, I don’t let my curiosity wander too far beyond my threshold for questions. I am becoming increasingly aware of my thought cycles and my ability to articulate.

Is emotional attachment to someone a bad thing? What does it look like when we are emotionally attached to ourselves?

Isn’t this the fucking point?

Feeling feelings you want to feel?

Ew. Looks like I still hate him.

Oh well. At least I know that my rage will keep me warm this winter.

-x

[sliceocheese]

Tw: sewerslide, mentions of country music

Hoo man get ready

rant/about my fam

my brother:

transphobic, says the n-word more than anyone should, is racist in general, hits the ever living shit out of me and my younger brother, is a grade A asshole, talks about porn more than h the average human should, curses me and my younger brother out when he get slightly annoyed, uses me and my younger brother past actions as excuses to be a bitch to us, likes shitty country music, made a rape ‘joke’ once that I thought was a threat, got me feeling ✨suicidal at 9✨, the reason I can’t wear 2 piece swimsuits, and crop tops and sports bras around the house

my younger brother: just younger sibling things, annoying, loud, dosent listen when I ask him to turn down the volume, will ignore privacy boundaries if he wants to show you a YouTube short

my mom: turns the most simple convo into an hour long rant about Jesus, refuses to listen to my VERY SIMPLE room privacy boundaries, will come to me for emotional shit, makes me eat when I’m not hungry, laughs at real feelings and thoughts I have, screen time, has an app to control the Wi-Fi, when I told her I like girls she said ‘we all feel unholy at times XXX’, is transphobic, voted for trump, when my older brother hits me and my younger brother she baby voices him and tell him to think about it, but when I like don’t get out of the shower on time to go to church I’m grounded for a week true story, won’t let me have a lock on my door (I am not saying my mom is Terrible I’m noting all of her bad traits her good traits out number the listed)

my dad:

touches me to much, yell a lot, lives in a different state and comes home to mess with our routines and weekends, dosent respect personal space AT ALL, will open bathroom doors when your in there is always rambling about ‘I’m so sad you’re so grown up’ ‘why did you have to grow up so quick’ bitch maybe it’s because you always tell me the things I like and do are childish and to stop, when I brought up I might have autism he laughed and said ‘no, you don’t but your older brother and I probably do’, is capitalist, think Ron DeSantis is amazing, will guilt trip you into picking the music in his car

my pop: will have civilized conversations about things we disagree on, is currently on a motorcycle trip, is kinda quiet, will get mad at you if you do something ‘the wrong way’, I don’t know him as well as I should

My grannyyyyyyyyyy:

in the daughters of the confederacy (wtf), thinks trump=heavenly being, told me I was over reacting when I was telling my brother off for saying the n-word, gives fire Christmas presents, when I say something mildly progressive/sound like a decent human being she says ‘oh look, we’re raising a little liberal’ (derogatory), probably transphobic, said one of her friends friends is her favorite gay person 😭

great uncle: our parents legit told us he and his ‘friend’ were roommates…. So turns out they have been married since before I waS BORN, super goofy, Super nice, when I was two/three I gave him 3 dollars cus he had ripped jeans and I thought he was poor 💀he’s rich af lmao

uncle: transphobic, curses and talks about drug deals around his kids (wayyyy younger than me)

Silly little vent/rant

Tw: mention of sa

Can someone explain the… mental gymnastics boys must go through to thinks something is logical and or an okish thing to do

We we’re at a restaurant (without my mum) and my younger brother got sugar sticks otherwise know as candy cigs and the conversation ended up with my dad telling us a story about him and a friend of his, so in 8th grade they were in band and would crush up sweet tarts and smarties and s n o r t t h e m.

girl- AND IT GOT EVEN BETTER

my older brother and my dad started trying to explain to me why boys do dumb things and it ended up sounding like ‘oh yea boys will be boys lol’

Honey bun sweaty pie sugar bear honey boo sweat darling

that’s the same thing my older brother said to justify theoretical sexual assault/harassment

moral of the story: boys should not vote until 25, should not have guns till 25, should not drink till they’re 30

[haikyuu-boys-headcanons]

𝙷𝙰𝙸𝙺𝚈𝚄𝚄 𝙱𝙾𝚈𝚂 - 𝙴𝙼𝙱𝙰𝚁𝙰𝚂𝚂𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝚂𝙴𝚇 𝙼𝙾𝙼𝙴𝙽𝚃𝚂

hehe, i’m back at it again with one of these long ass posts but this idea’s literally been in my head all day long so here you go !! obvious nsfw warning :)

tw: this whole post is just nsfw and embarrassing to read so read at your own risk >:)

𝙳𝙰𝙸𝙲𝙷𝙸 » during a super intense and loud session, his voice cracked as he asked you “does that feel goOD- good baby?” to this day, he still prays that you couldn’t hear him over the sound of your own moans

𝚂𝚄𝙶𝙰𝚆𝙰𝚁𝙰 » you were riding him and he went to slap your ass, but something went wrong either because you were riding too quickly or he was shaking too much, boy ended up slapping himself in the balls. you’ve never heard that boy scream that loud in your life

𝙰𝚂𝙰𝙷𝙸 » literally pulled out in the middle of sex to get up and rush to the corner of his room to flip around his childhood teddy bears. your just laying there with your tiddies and coochie out waiting for asahi to shield the eyes of mr. wiggles

𝚃𝙰𝙽𝙰𝙺𝙰 » you two were having pretty intense shower sex until tanaka did the number one thing your not supposed to do during shower sex; this muthafucker slipped while holding you. long story short, y’all were okay but just ended up having nasty shower floor sex??

𝙽𝙸𝚂𝙷𝙸𝙽𝙾𝚈𝙰 » this tiny ass 5′2 man was unconsciously humping your leg while you were both asleep?? his presumably pleasurable wet dream had turned into a sudden nightmare when you literally had to KICK him off you to stop the humping. bad nishinoya, bad!

𝙺𝙰𝙶𝙴𝚈𝙰��𝙰 » came WAYYY too early inside you, but he was too embarrassed to say anything so he just... kept going. sadly, no one had warned kageyama of the intense effects of overstimulation. he was shaking and whimpering so badly behind you to the point where you had to ask him to pull out and bring him a glass of water to calm down

𝙷𝙸𝙽𝙰𝚃𝙰 » the first time you squirted on him, he just blatantly asked you these exact few words that left you feeling mortified: “did you just piss on me?” nuh uh hinata, this water fountain ain’t yours to drown in anymore >:( 

𝚃𝚂𝚄𝙺𝙸𝚂𝙷𝙸𝙼𝙰 » kei was hitting it from the back pretty hard this time, so hard that you were suddenly... on an angle? suddenly, now you two were much closer to the floor than before. the bed ended up collapsing, yes literally collapsing due to kei’s powerful thrusts. worst part is, nobody got to finish since kei dragged you to ikea to grumpily buy a new bedframe. but hey, he bought you ikea meatballs; that shit hits so different

𝚈𝙰𝙼𝙰𝙶𝚄𝙲𝙷𝙸 » one super duper intense night, he passed out the SECOND he came. no matter how much you flicked the temple of his forehead, yamaguchi was dead asleep. you had to literally slap him awake to get him to clean up, you ain’t risking a ranky stanky UTI puthy in the morning

𝙾𝙸𝙺𝙰𝚆𝙰 » kept calling himself a sex machine during the act. i don’t know if it was due to the 6 tequila shots he had beforehand or just his inner ego revealing, whatever it was it was about to make your pussy close

𝙸𝚆𝙰𝚉𝚄𝙼𝙸 » this one time, he kept going in at a weird angle which caused you to repeatedly queef for 7 minutes straight. every time you told him to pull out and go in properly, he laughed and kept going in at that one weird angle!! was your embarrassment a turn on for him?? maybe!! but were you mortified? absolutely!!

𝙼𝙰𝚃𝚃𝚂𝚄𝙽 » i’m sorry to have to be the one to announce this, but this man had the worst case of full blown bush you’ve ever seen. like, he didn’t even try to manscape or anything at all. you ended up begging him to trim just a tiny bit because you weren’t gonna risk choking on a pube whilst your going down on him

𝙷𝙰𝙽𝙰𝙼𝙰𝙺𝙸 » rubbed your left labia thinking it was your clit. and he kept doing that. the whole. fucking. time. even when you subtly moved his fingers towards your clit, he just kept going back to the left lip.

𝙺𝚄𝙽𝙸𝙼𝙸 » had the most dry and dull dirty talk you’ve ever heard. like, it’s not even dirty talk at this point; it’s just clean talk. there’s no passion when he talks! he uses the same tone he would use for anyone else at any other moment. to paint the picture, imagine riding kunimi and he’s just there with a furrowed expression like “yup, that feels really good”

𝙺𝚈𝙾𝚃𝙰𝙽𝙸 » tried to pull one of those unexpected anal scenes that he saw from a porno, without telling you beforehand. life lesson here; if you party at shit's house, don't be surprised if shit's at the party

𝙺𝚄𝚁𝙾𝙾 » you two were looking to get a little more kinky in terms of BDSM, so kuroo watched like 30 tutorials on youtube on how to safely tie you up so you won’t fall or anything. this bitch ended up tying rope knots that were practically impossible to undo, which resulted in you hanging from the ceiling for approximately 2 hours pussy-ass naked while kuroo tried to cut you down with a kitchen knife

𝙺𝙴𝙽𝙼𝙰 » wanted to spice things up with some dirty talk, like the real nasty talk they use in pornos but not the normal pornos; the shitty company ones with horrific acting. he really ended up announcing that he was going to “fuck your fucking fanny off, you twat”

𝙻𝙴𝚅 » got super excited while he was opening the lube since he hadn’t gotten to fuck you in a WHILE, which resulted the lube leaked everywhere and a giant 6′5 man slipping and hitting his head on the bed frame. worst part is; he had to go to the ER with a hard on that refused to go away

𝙱𝙾𝙺𝚄𝚃𝙾 » speaking of boners that wouldn’t go away, let’s not forget that one time bokuto took two viagras when you texted him to come over for a special occasion. he horribly misinterpreted the ‘special occasion’ text, because he showed up to your house with a huge buldge in his pants as your parents stand before him holding anniversary cards, completely horrified

𝙰𝙺𝙰𝙰𝚂𝙷𝙸 » wanted to make valentines day sex as romantic as he could, so he did the classic lighting candles and giving roses. everything was beautiful, until he accidently knocked one of the bigger candles over during missionary. this not only caused a huge ass fire in your bedroom, but he came right as the fire began to spread. boy was debating on whether his orgasm was to die for or not

𝙺𝙾𝙽𝙾𝙷𝙰 » had a nose bleed when he was going down on you and you both were immediately horrified, you thinking it was your period and him thinking he just ate coochie blood. yet as you went to go clean up, you realized his face had much more blood on it than your coochie did. to this day, he still blames it on your period 

𝚄𝚂𝙷𝙸𝙹𝙸𝙼𝙰 » threw you onto the bed and your head went through the wall. he didn’t even bother to ask you if you were okay, he just sighed and went “well, now i have to make a call to the construction guy. excuse me” and he left you and your concussed ass head sit there once again, pussy ass naked

𝚃𝙴𝙽𝙳𝙾𝚄 » during a blowjob, he held your head down right as he was coming causing the cum to shoot up your throat and somehow pour out of your nose. by the time he pulled out, he could barely breath from laughing at you. sure, the classic ‘milk shooting out of nose’ thing was funny at first until you got a sinus infection and had to breath out of your mouth for the next three days

𝚂𝙴𝙼𝙸 » always insists having sex in the most inconvenient places?? like he would pull you to side while grocery shopping and start grinding up against you as you pick which brand of cheese would be better??

𝙶𝙾𝚂𝙷𝙸𝙺𝙸 » he kept getting frustrated that his bangs were clouding his field of vision, so he irritably grabbed a hair tie and frantically tied up the sides of his bangs while he was fucking you. you immediately burst out laughing since he looked exactly like boo from monsters inc. 

𝚃𝙴𝚁𝚄𝚂𝙷𝙸𝙼𝙰 » got so drunk that he ended up fucking the couch. like he was just there on top of you, and his dick was just sliding between the folds of the leather couch. you decided to let him finish like that

𝚂𝙰𝙺𝚄𝚂𝙰 » had a really bad reaction to one of the products he used while shaving and ended up getting super irritated down there so he kept having to pull out in-between thrusts to itch his crotch. to make things worse, you joking suggested that he looked like he had syphilis and he got so disgusted at the idea of that thought that he literally had to pull out and take a breather 

𝙾𝚂𝙰𝙼𝚄 » drizzled ‘warm’ chocolate down your chest and was about to seductively lick it off until you screamed in pain and horror as the chocolate was literally burning your skin off. osamu panicked, obviously not knowing what to do if chocolate was burning his partners skin off so he just... frantically licked it off. you still had to go to the ER afterwards to get treated for mild burns

𝙰𝚂𝚃𝚄𝙼𝚄 » didn’t know what a hymen was until the first time he tried to have sex with you. no matter how much he tried to shove his schlong in, it really just wasn’t working + “yer puss is broken”

𝚂𝚄𝙽𝙰 » pinched your nipples so fucking hard to the point where you started crying. he thoughts these were tears of pleasure until you literally had to kick him off you. but hey, he gave you ice for your sore nipples and mcdonalds! what more could a girl possibly want :)

uh the end lol

also, this idea was inspired by the first haikyuu headcanon i ever read, “awkward sex moments” by @bbytetsu <3

[radellama]

Fanfiction "Would you rather?"

Tagged by @future-dregs , yours were so fun to read and I got a bit rambly but had fun answering too!

---

Friends to lovers, or enemies to lovers?

Friends to lovers, definitely. I'd rather not have animosity and troubled backgrounds that add baggage to the relationship, it's frustrating for everyone. Unless it's a very rare case of well done enemies to friends to lovers slowburn.

Be forced to watch a terrible movie adaptation of your favorite fanfic, or an amazing adaptation of your least favorite fanfic?

Amazing adaptation. If something like Harry Potter can be decent movies with THAT kind of source material, you can do anything. I think I've already seen enough terrible fanfic movies with all these shitty 'franchise reboots/sequels' so. Yeah. looking at you star trek and resi

A more fun question for me would be which one I'd have to direct, my favourite fic with too much upper management meddling and ruining it, or adapting a source material I hate but with mostly free reign over how I go about it - to which I'd still go for the one I hate cause I'll work through it with pure, hard boiled spite and turn it into something good LMAO

Read fanfic chapters backwards, last to first, or read them as parsed from google translate?

Backwards, but I'm taking the assumption that each chapter is in order and I'm reading the chapter order backwards, not each word of each chapter backwards as well.

Consume every fanfic as an audiobook read by a monotone narrator, or have to read every fanfic on a tiny printed piece of paper written in yellow highlighter?

I can't fucking read yellow highlighter and I already watch enough of that monotone shit on YouTube when I'm studying/drawing, easy win to monotonous reading.

Get a tattoo on your body of every fanfic title you read, or never read fanfic again?

Tattoos. Just get a good artist and make a kind of design out of how all the titles are placed, make em tiny so you got room for more, and off ya go.

Vampire AU or Werewolf AU?

Vampire! But good ones please lol. Werewolves are fun too but a lot of what I've read is too bland-angst or unfunny crack, and vampires just appeal to me more

Get sold to a boy band, or be stuck in a time loop with your love interest?

Time loop! There's some really nice episodes of shows that have time loops (I'm mainly thinking star trek but I'm SURE I've seen other time loop episodes) so I'd be interested to see how that'd go with different stakes and have it be relationship oriented/character driven instead of in massive high stakes must save the world lol

Kill your favorite character, or marry your least favorite character?

I MEAN.... CT already gives you the option. I can just do that. I've also jokingly already been married and divorced to the annoying shit head from CT as well, but I don't think it counts cause I love to hate him. Dunno. If eventual divorce is an option maybe I'd get married, cause I can already kill

Meet your love interest in a coffe shop AU or a college AU?

Really depends on what we're studying. If it's my current major, that could be kinda funny. Making short films with these constraints and pretty much no budget is insane, and I'm even more so. It'd surely be interesting. Also tbh I don't go to coffee shops because I don't like the smell and they're always loud as fuck and I don't even drink coffee to begin with soooo......

Have your fic history leaked, or never read another fanfic again?

Fuck it. No shame. I've read some shit and it'd be a bit nostalgic to see what I read way back in the day cause some were fun (most the fics are lost or got deleted) but most of it is cringe LMAO

Be able to read amazing fanfiction but it always has an mpreg plot twist, or only read bad fanfiction for the rest of your life?

Listen. If it's amazing, mpreg could be good. I just don't like seeing weird mpreg that feels fetishy and not well done. Plus if this means cool trans rep in fics, sign me up I'll get over my own personal discomforts. Also will it stay a plot twist if it's in EVERY fic I read? That's just overdoing the trope with no innovation

Gay ships or straight ships?

Honestly I prefer The Gays ™ cause at least back in the day, when did we ever get shit. It was all queer baiting or villain characters or bury your gays. But! If it's written well I honestly couldn't care less, I'd take an interesting het ship over a bland gay one any day

Ship a rarepair with almost no content, or a pair with lots of content but almost all of it is cracky nightmare smut?

Haha both of these are reality 🙃🙃 I mean, I made an OC to ship with my favourite dude (almost no content cause I'm da only one making shit) BECAUSE all the other fics with my man were fucking gross. Not even funny cracky nightmare smut just straight up. Enemies that are together but not really lovers, taking advantage of power imbalances, incest, and straight up being disrespectful and blurring lines of consent and all of it feeling wildly ooc. YUCK NO THANKS I'LL STAY IN MY CORNER WITH MY OC AND CONTINUE MAKING DUMB MEME COMICS AND ATTEMPTING THE NICE FIC

See your OTP shatter years after their happily ever after, or never have the happily ever after happen in the first place? 

Hmmmm..... Well considering my oc ship I mentioned previously ALREADY HAS a betrayal and break up with ambiguous ending in mind for their 'canon' fic, I might have to go with the first one. Cause it can be done well and having that reflection of all the good times together being only memories can be so bittersweet... Though I'm up for reading a good one that explores never having gotten together. Any otp I'll read either if it's good

Read a poorly written but complete fanfic, or a literary masterpiece last updated June 2013?

Listen. I've already read some masterpieces that haven't updated since earlier than that. I still think about a lot of abandoned fics all the time. If it's good and I have to live with it being incomplete I'll take it

Read SSSS++++ tier smut with almost 11k words, or 70k words worth of fluff?

Both, if they're both well written. But tbh I'll take the smut if it's that good

Read only alternate universe fanfics, or only canon fanfics?

Considering I get a little inwardly pissy when I see some utterly whacky ooc stuff, I'd rather take the aus, cause then if people feel too ooc for me it's just an au lol..I know the point of fanfic is that you can do whatever but also, if you're doing a canon/canon adjacent fic, I prefer when they're taken seriously. I know that's pretentious as fuck and definitely of the 'you will never understand these characters like I do' shit but. Aus are so much easier to enjoy cause so many people have weird interpretations that'll piss me off way more if they're trying to pass it as canon...

Introduce fanfics to your normie friend with an ongoing smut fic with great writing, or a complete fluff fic with terrible writing?

Great writing. Nothing wrong with some smut if it's really good, no need to be prudish. And honestly, if the normie friend is REALLY against it, I could just create a censored version for them and snip out the smut scenes.

Read your NOTP with all your favorite tropes and perfect characterization, or your OTP with tropes you despise and inconsistent characterization?

Notp done well for sure. If it's that good and in character with good plot and tropes, it could be fun. Dunno if it'll change my mind on it being notp lol but I'd rather that than have to read those shitty fics for my man all over again lol.. Already been through that don't make me do it again

Read a fic with an interesting concept but very poor writing, or read a fic with an uninteresting concept with really good writing?

I've already read plenty of both. Some fic authors are just able to make the most mundane things compelling, and some are still honing their skill but clearly have the passion, and both are fun to read. Don't really have a preference here, I'd probably just go on whatever is recommended to me/piques my interest first lol

Have a major character death, or have a bed sharing scene but it's a ship you hate?

Both lol, I don't really care. I'd be mildly curious about how others characterise the ship I hate, and major character deaths can be very interesting and help create some fascinating dynamics and character driven moments. Actually maybe I'd lean more towards character death

Read a fanfic that has consistent grammar and spelling mistakes, or one that the characters are wildly different than canon?

Grammar and spelling mistakes. I'm taking this as 'wildly different to canon but trying to make a canon fic,' in which case it's a massive no thanks. If it's a crack au or clearly meant to be silly, I don't mind, but grammar and spelling aren't that bad

Every fanfic includes Jackson Wang, or every fanfic includes at least one NSFW moment?

Fucking .. Jackson Wang... I've already been in the dark days where I read Kpop fic and every other fic he'd be there anyway and sometimes it's the most random thing... He's a nice enough dude irl but now I'm older and have different fandoms to actually read I realise I'm rather uncomfortable reading fics of irl people, no matter what the mental gymnastics I might've used to justify back in the day. So I'll take the nsfw thanks

Read the most absolutely messed up dead dove with your most wholesome otp, or subject yourself to 100,000 words of your NOTP all written in a solid block with no punctuation and horrible grammar?

Dead dove. I can take that, I'm fucked in the head anyway and might really enjoy it. Spelling and grammar being poor I can deal with, but a solid block? Even of a ship I do like? No thanks that's going to make my head cave in

Have the power to read every fanfic in existence, or have the power to make any ship canon?

All da fanfic, and please have part of that be that I remember the titles and where to find them LMAO. Unless we're talking about turning my oc ship canon in a game mod.... Coders hmu I have ideas to make this a reality

Have your OTP get together in canon but one of them dies in a tragic way, or all members of your OTP survive but get together with other people?

Hmmmm.... Really depends on what ship it is. And the context. I'd take either cause they're both great angst.. I am trying to think of what I'd lean towards but it really feels split down the middle for me lol

Read a cringy 70 chapter Harry Styles mafia AU, or a highschool Kpop AU y/n fic horrible grammar?

Already read those cringe kpop high school aus with next to no grammar and I'll fucking do it again. I don't care for Harry Styles at all lol

Accidentally send your boss a super detailed smut fic, or read a super detailed smut fic about your boss?

Read one, I can keep that to myself. Yeah maybe the first couple days/weeks after I read it will be hard not to laugh or something, but I'll get over it I can be professional.

Read smut fanfic aloud to your parents, or submit fanfic to the employer of your dream job?

I MEAN....... I'M STUDYING TO MAKE MOVIES RN AND IF IT'S MAKING A SCREENPLAY FOR AN ALREADY EXISTING FRANCHISE THAT'S TECHNICALLY FIC!??? I dunno if making movies is my ~dream job~ but I've always wanted to be creative and make stories so. Easy. Also if I make movies or whatever and there's a sex scene in it that's really similar to reading a smut scene to them anyway..

Pine after an oblivious love interest, or be the oblivious love interest being pined after?

Mutual oblivion 🙈🙈 🤯💥

jk, I think both have their interesting qualities, I can't really say. What about being oblivious to the fact that you're pining??

Hanahaki disease, or your soulmates first words to you tattooed on your body (and they're really stupid)?

Ummm... I don't really read soulmates aus all that often. Hanahaki has a really cool aesthetic to it but all the fics seem the same, and tattoo ones... Like once you meet, what's next? I'd probably say hanahaki just for the aesthetic and fingers crossed it's interesting and not bland tragedy porn, or I'd just ask for a better soulmates au LMAO

Be an Alpha, Beta, or Omega in omegaverse?

I've never read any of these kinds of fics so I dunno. I'll be whatever is funniest or provides the most compelling plot

Read a fanfic where the characters turn into furries, or a fanfic where the characters all get pregnant?

Nothing wrong with furries, could be fun. Lowkey interested in what's caused everyone to get pregnant, like is it just slice of life and EVERYONE is pregnant, like men women and all inbetween alike? Or is it a sci-fi or fantasy where there's some magic/science bullshit? It could be interesting? And tbh I have a few scenes in a fic I'm writing with sci-fi bs for some characters getting pregnant but it's coming from a body horror perspective so? If it's a cool premise I probably wouldn't care about everyone being pregnant?

Be able to resurrect dead fics, or have the power to create of plethora of new fics effortlessly?

So uh. This is the choice between resurrecting dead fics or actually having the time to write my 20+ aus just for ct? That I could even write fics for other fandoms? This is easy I wanna finish writing my fucking fics babbbeeeyyy

---

Tagging @stillmoveforward @hellishgoat @fanimefreak @kanonavi @dishesoap @nyx4 and anyone else I'm forgetting if ya wanna do it. No pressure to it you don't want to either

[madamtrashbat]

A couple of thoughts

We doin' okay, Cats family? We're good? Good. I have one last thing to add.

This is kinda about pro- and anti-shippers, but it's really more about fandom culture in general and just my experiences. You can read it, if you want, or not.

Up to you.

I've been doin' this for a while. A good fifteen years at least, closer probably to sixteen. I've been doing things in fandom for longer than some of my mutuals have been alive.

(Oh Jesus)

And there's something I gotta tell you guys, both as a person who has been doing fandom-y stuff for years and for someone who literally has college degrees in English Literature and Creative Writing.

Being an anti is not normal.

And I know that comes across as harsh and mean and it sounds unreasonable but I'd like to explain what I mean by that.

I can trace back being an anti to two main sources: Voltron and Star Wars. I was never into Voltron or really even around anyone who was but I remember the screaming and fighting over the ships, and I remember the hellish crusade that began when people dared to ship Rey and Kylo Ren together. It was nasty, guys. It was absolutely insane that suddenly people were doing this over fictional ships, that people were being sent actual abuse and hatred because someone wanted the broody shitlord man and the unwashed desert scrounger to smooch. Like... imagine that in real time.

I was not, nor have I ever been, a Reylo shipper, but you know what I did, when that ship began, and I didn't like it? I ignored it and went about my day. Because that's how I was taught. Nothing in the fiction world was worth fighting over. It was not worth getting into arguments over. What was the point?

Then the antis got bolder, started branching out, and when people like me started standing up and saying, "Hey, stop being a dick to people!" someone hired the world's best PR machine and suddenly people who were not antis were pedophiles and abusive and incestuous.

How's that for some whiplash.

This anti movement of berating, bullying, harming, and threatening has been their MO, and it's dangerous. And now, they all buy their own bullshit. They actually think people like me are all out here twisting our mustaches like Snidely Whiplash and diddling kids. Without a shred of irony, they believe this.

Proship only labeled itself that as a response to the antiship, and antiship, make no mistake, named itself first. It was not anti-pedophile. It was not anti-incest. It was not anti-abuse.

It was all about disliking fictional ships that other people enjoyed, and thus attacking people over it.

And it's pointless. It's driven a child to suicide. It has gotten people fired. It has ruined careers, livelihoods, friendships. For nothing. For a boogeyman that doesn't exist.

Sex experts across the board all agree that what gives us our jollies is not at all what we want in real life. There's some wild statistic like 70% of women have had a sexual fantasy about rape at least once in their lives. About rape! That act that most AFAB people have a deep ingrained fear of! And we've used it to get off! Because sexual fantasy isn't that deep. Our brains are idiots. And since time immemorial, we as humans have written just the most fucked up shit.

It's even in the Bible. Humans have been nasty forever. And it doesn't mean shit.

It's in the TV shows. It's in our movies. It's in our books. It's in our music, our podcasts, everything. Being an anti is not the way of humanity at all. Ever. Except for like... maybe the puritans but they sucked so who cares about them.

Antis believe a lie. They believe a lie and they hurt people for it. I am not in any way, shape, or form exaggerating when I say I am fearful for those who regularly interact with me, because I am worried that one day the art they make or the "clout" they carry isn't going to be enough to save them from their friendship with me and antis will tear them to shreds. Because that is how they behave. They may not think they're bullies, and they may think they're in the right, but I want you to look up the Youtube RPF kid who killed themselves over anti harassment. Look at that horrible ask I just got. This is how they behave.

And that is what proshippers stand against. It's a stance against bullying, harassment, threats. That is it. There are plenty of proshippers out in the world that would never, ever think of writing anything involving someone underage, or between relatives, or involving anything gruesome. Because that's not what it's about.

Antis are new in the world of fandom, and they are the absolute root of toxicity. I do not exaggerate. They waste the time of agencies actually trying to eradicate CSAM by sending them art someone drew of a teenage character that isn't real. They've driven people to suicide. They've outright admitted to not caring about actual humans as much as they care about fictional ships. They have shown time and time again that they are not above abuse, vitriol, and bullying. There are blogs that post stories from ex-antis who say they were afraid to say anything different than their anti friends for fear of righteous backlash.

I repeat: I am legitimately afraid that my friends are going to get dogpiled and harassed because they dare to be my friend. That fear is not baseless. And it's all because of the way antis act.

I am liberal with the block button. I try to maintain boundaries because I don't want to see any of that shit as much as they don't want to see any of mine (though only a very scant few actually block me back, which is a joke in and of itself). But it still slips through. And I hate it, every time I see it.

Because this is not the way we're supposed to be. We are not supposed to be at odds with each other. We are supposed to share and have fun and be joyful about some people in lycra.

But because some people wanted to put on the pilgrim hat and play Morality Council to someone who's been doing this for years, I gotta tiptoe around people that think I'm actually out in the world diddling children. Do you know how fucked up that is. Do you know how that feels? To not only have someone make that judgment without any evidence, but to tell it to other people who don't know me either?

When someone finally snaps and starts biting back, it's not out of nowhere. And antis never, ever see themselves as doing something wrong. But they are. They are wrong.

Can I let you in on a little secret?

Seriously, just between you and me, come here.

If you think it's wrong to bully someone because of fiction, then you're proship. That is the long and short of it. No more or less. I hate to break it to you, but that is the only definition, and anyone who says it's something else is lying to you for their own gain.

And sure, there are lots of people who try to hide behind the proship label as they do shitty things. But antis do the same. Humans being assholes and trying to blame it on something else is not new.

The fact that people have come to me and told me that the antis have made them feel uncomfortable, that they're afraid if they do something they might view as negative they might receive hate, that people are actually AFRAID of people in this fandom, is not okay.

There was a fandom I was involved in where one of the prominent people actively hated me and I was never afraid of what she would do. I am afraid of the antis in this fandom, though. Because they have teeth and they like to use them.

Fandom isn't supposed to be like this. Nobody should be screaming at teenagers for talking to adults in fandom, infantilizing them like they're not a whole autonomous human. Nobody should be telling someone to kill themselves because they ship Tuggerstrap. Nobody should be afraid of the other people in their fandom.

Antis, if any of them even read this (I doubt it, but just in case), I want you to look around. The people who are neutral are not afraid of what the proshippers will say to them. They are afraid of you. You and your ilk are the ones causing the damage, and you are the outliers in the entire world of fiction. You're a loud minority that thinks it knows better when it knows absolutely nothing.

Ruminate on that.

My blog is still a safe space from bullying, abuse, and nastiness. If someone is being mean to you, you will always find a friend here. And if you can't say the same, then what's wrong with you?

Be excellent to each other. Stop making people afraid.

And sit down and ask yourself what it is you really want when you make vague posts about people and tell people vicious, awful things. What are you hoping to gain.

[thiswasinevitableid]

if you’re still taking meet ugly asks, could you do 01 or 13 for sternclay? nsfw please

Here you go! I went with 1.

we were set up on a blind date but it went horribly, so now you message me every time you have a good date because you think your tips will help me in the future, you ass.

Bzzbzz

Joseph picks up his phone and regrets it before he’s even done reading the waiting message.

Barclay: See, this is how you dress for a date at a casual place.

It’s accompanied by a photo of a headless torso, sporting a Ramones T-shirt and blue jeans.

He deletes the message. He told that asshole he was in the suit because Hayes kept him late to finish a report and he didn’t want to be any more behind for their date than he already was.

No, you know what, he’s had enough of this.

J.S: He’s dressed like a college student. No one told me you were a cradle robber.

Barclay: Just trying to help you do better next time ;)

This is the same line he gives Joseph every time he sends one of these texts

“It was great, it felt like a real conversation instead of an interrogation.”

“See, what made tonight nice was he didn’t look at his phone even once.”

“Now, what made this nice is that he didn’t mistake another guy for me on the way in.”

He has reasons, explanations, things that could make him look more like a man who had a bad day and less like the poster boy for the horrors of blind dating. But the one time he tried sharing his side of things, Barclay responded that he wasn’t doing this to make sense of their shitty date, but to make it easier on the next guy.

It was the last date in a long line of increasingly desperate attempts by his loved ones to find someone, anyone, for him to be with; being married to his work fills all his needs. Leave it to his older sister to spot that it wasn’t meeting many of his wants.

Joseph tosses the phone away, retrieves his take-out leftovers from the fridge. As he munches reheated green mango chicken, the city heading out into Friday night revelry without him, he decides that while he’s not about to take dating advice from a guy who can’t pull his head out of his ass long enough to consider someone else’s perspective, Barclay makes one good point: there’s always a next time.

And there’s no moment like the present to start planning for it.

--------------------------------------------------------

Barclay cannot figure out why Logan chose this spot; it’s one step above gay cruising club. Not that he hasn’t had fun at those before, but he was hoping for somewhere quieter. Also somewhere with better food; you can tell a lot about a guy by what he orders, and fuck all about him when the only meal to be found is chips or the olive from a martini glass.

Still not the worst date he’s been on.

As Logan steers the conversation in promisingly steamy directions, Barclay glances at the bar and locks eyes with his biggest disappointment of the year. Joseph raises an eyebrow, then his face goes annoyingly neutral as he looks first at Logan and then to the bartender for another glass.

His date excuses himself and Barclay weighs how much of a dick he wants to be against how good Joseph looks tonight. He’s in a v-neck and a short jacket, dark-wash jeans making it easy to picture how satisfying hooking his legs over Barclays shoulders would be.

Barclay sidles up to the bar, leaning on it and smiling at Joseph, “You finally decide to put my advice to good use?”

“No.” Joseph replies, tarter than a cherry, and goes back to looking at his phone.

“Suit yourself, and have fun going home alone.”

The black-haired man squares his shoulders, turns so that Barclay gets a full-on view of a stunning face and sharp, blue eyes, “At least I won’t be going home with someone who’s using me for a prank video.”

“Pfft, whatever man, you’re just-” Barclay snaps his mouth shut as Joseph turns his phone, showing a Youtube channel hosted by none other than Logan.

“His modus operandi is to have viewers vote on which gay man he should go out with and string along the whole night until he reveals he’s straight.”

“I, I uh, that’s” his heart is in his shoes, “that’s not very nice.”

“That’s not all. There are three cameras recording your date.” Joseph points to three separate guys, “they’re using their phones, makes it hard to prove they’re not just texting or something else innocuous.”

He might cry. Worse, if he cries, he might owe Joseph an explanation.

“There you are baby, thought you’d run off.” Logan sets a hand on his arm and Barclay freezes, trying to work out a non-humiliating form of escape.

Joseph clears his throat, “Are you aware that recording people without their permission is illegal in this state?”

“Uh, no, but what the fuck does that have to do with me?”

“You, and those three gentleman you’re having film Mr. Cobb here, are all at risk of being charged with a misdemeanor.” Joseph’s voice is smooth and clear, utterly in control, and Barclay gets goosebumps as he pulls out his wallet and flashes an FBI badge, “I suggest you get out of here before you do something you regret.”

The quartet disappears in a cloud of body spray as Barclay slumps onto a stool and Joseph orders two more drinks, sliding one his way. Whiskey Soda, his favorite. He’d ordered it during their date.

They sip in silence for three songs before Joseph says, “I guess I passed the dubious honor of your worst date onto someone else.”

“You’re still a strong runner up.” It’s mean, but Barclay isn’t feeling very chipper right now.

“Oh come on, I wasn’t that bad! I was trying to learn as much about you as I could while switching from work mode to a date.”

“You made me feel like I was doing all the work!”

“If you’d given me more than a half hour of your time I could have fixed that.”

“Nah, I know when a date is doomed. No point in dragging it out. It wasn’t going to be fun.”

“I can be fun!” Joseph knocks back the rest of his drink, “I’ll prove it.”

Barclay snorts, “how?”

“I want a do over. Right now.” Lights dance across his skin and Barclay gets a whiff of gin and mint as he leans so they’re almost nose to nose, “Unless you’re afraid you’ll be the dud this time.”

“You’re on.” Barclay growls, “but don���t get your hopes up.”

------------------------------------------------

Either his pillow sprouted fur overnight, or Joseph isn’t where he should be.

He cracks his eyes open, squinting in the muted, grey light sneaking in under the curtains. The room, while tidy, isn’t his, and the clock on the wall tells him he’s starting his Saturday out with oversleeping.

Barclay is sound asleep beside him, his broad, hairy chest rising and falling soothingly. A cursory peek under the blankets shows he’s a naked as Joseph is. As the agent slips from the bed and hunts down his clothes, he starts to remember why.

They’d done something in the club bathroom, a blow-job, that’s right, and the instant Barclay dragged him into his apartment Joseph shoved him onto the bed, yanked his pants off, and returned the favor. He remembers, as he surrenders to going commando rather than wear his pre-cum stained boxer briefs, wanting to sleep with his head on Barclay’s stomach, cum still on his lips, but the cook made a very convincing argument to come up and kiss him instead.

His pants are back on when his phone lights up from it’s spot on the floor.

Alert: Snowstorm predicted to last until 5 pm Sunday. Travel limited, recommended for emergencies only. At least five feet of snow predicted.

“Shit” he whispers, pushing the curtain aside to discover a world of smooth, white roof tops and impassable streets.

Jinglejingle

He spins, startled, as what he thought was a black pillow shakes out it’s ears and rises from a cushion at the foot of the bed. It’s the single most absurd dog he’s ever seen, like someone smushed a corgi and a Rottweiler together. It blinks at him, cocks it’s head, and then shifts its attention to the bed.

“Please don’t jump.” Maybe he can still sneak out on foot, or find somewhere else to wait out the storm.

The dog launches it’s tubular body onto Barclay, who “oofs” and is laughing before he even opens his eyes.

“Hey boy, yeah, I know, I know, didn’t let you in until way after bedtime.” The cooks deep voice is scratchy with sleep. The dog wiggles and digs at the blankets on his chest as he turns his head, smiling Joseph’s way, “morning babe.”

“Good morning.” Throwing himself out the window would result in hypothermia. Also a broken ankle. So no luck there.

Barclay notices his jeans, “Oh, uh, if you need to go that’s cool. I, uh” he yawns “I have a policy of making breakfast after a hook-up, but if you’re in a hurry I can just get you some coffee for the road. C’mon Sass, let me up.”

“I, um, I can stay. I don’t have much choice.”

“What do you--oh fuck, I knew we were getting snow this weekend but no one said anything about a fucking blizzard. Guess you’re crashing here for the weekend.”

“I guess so.”

Barclay’s smile shrinks, “Is that a shitty outcome?”

“No! Or, um, I just” Joseph sits on the bed, running a hand through his hair, “I don’t want to impose. I was trying to get out of here so I wouldn’t make things awkward since I, um, I don’t do this much.”

“Gotta say that was kinda obvious.” It’s a gentle tease, Barclay’s fingers flipping through his phone, “huh, when did I take a video last night?”

“I think you--oh, oh my lord.” Joseph claps his hands over his mouth, blushing at the memory.

“What, did I talk you into karaoke or somethi--holy fuck.” Barclay scoots to where Joseph is frozen, holding the screen where they can both see it. The same face growing excited beside him is looking up at the camera, lips wrapped around Joseph’s cock as a voice urges him on.

“You like that, big guy?”

Barclay nods, pulls off so he can drag his tongue up the shaft with a grin. Then he swallows it almost to the base, Joseph’s hand flying past the lens to stifle a moan.

“That’s it, show me how much you like it, s-so the next time you feel like sending me a snarky text you can watch this and remember just how much fucking fun you had sucking my dickAH.” A laugh as Barclay sits back on his heels, pulling off the condom.

“C’mon blue eyes, bet, bet you’re gonna look great when you cum, fuck, think I ruined these pants just watching you. Heh, you like that, like getting me hard and wet on the fucking bathroom floor.”

“Usually it’s, it’s the other waAAaay aroundohfuck, shit.” Cum spatters across Barclay’s face. The cook licks his lips, still smiling, as the camera sinks to his level, Joseph giggling behind it, “here, let, let me clean you up.”

“Don’t want everyone else to see your cum all over me?"

“Nngn. I, I mean no, not in actuality.” Joseph’s hand returns to the frame, gently cleaning Barclay’s cheek with toilet paper.

The video ends there. Joseph is red from his hips to his cheeks, but not so embarrassed that he misses Barclay rubbing his thighs together. Then the cook meets his eyes and sets the phone aside.

“I can delete it. Know your face isn’t in it but if you’re more comfortable with it gone, it’s gone.”

The offer alone calms him, “No, no it’s okay. Thank you for offering. I, um, since I’ll be here awhile, can I use your shower?”

“Sure, it’s just through there.” He tips his head at the door in the left wall, grabbing a robe from the door and heading into the chilly apartment, Sass clickclick-ing on the hardwood after him.

As always, the world is more manageable when he’s clean. A pair of sweatpants and a thick, blue sweater are waiting for him on the bed, and coffee-swirled air coaxes him into the kitchen. It’s small but immaculately organized, Barclay moving from stove to cabinet to fridge and back again in an intimate dance.

“Coffee on the left is yours. I’m doing pancetta in the omelettes; most of my friends are vegetarian so I never get a chance to bust it out.”

“That sounds delicious.” He picks up the mug, sighs as warms his chest, “mmm, you have real cream somewhere in this house.”

“Yep. Remember you said you liked the real stuff when you could get it. I drink mine black, but really these beans demand cream instead of milk; sets of the chocolate notes really nice.”

“I can never taste those. Same thing with wine. But I guess that’s why you’re the professional and I’m not.”

“That’s more a happy coincidence. I got into this to help with the bills when I was in high school. I wasn’t, like, combining flavors and deciding to be a cook like in Ratatouille or something.”

“That’s a Pixar movie, right?”

“Only the best one ever made. Have you really not seen it?

“I, um, I only watch kids movies if I’m babysitting my niece. Which doesn’t happen as often as I’d like.”

“Well, now I know what we’re doing after breakfast. Ah ah, Sass, not for you.” He shoos the dog from where it’s valiantly trying to double in length to reach the table.

“Is his name short for something?”

“Sasquatch.”

“Awwww.” Joseph crouches down to scritch behind one, floppy ear.

“His whole litter was named for cryptids; Nessie, Champ, Yeti, stuff like that.”

“‘Bray’ feels like an obvious one.” He smiles, then remembers not everyone is a nerdy UP agent, “sorry, never mind.”

“Uh uh special agent, I’ve been waiting to ask you about this. You don’t get to say you’re ‘like Fox Mulder’ and then not share more.” Barclay pulls out his chair, kisses his head when he sits down. He then listens to Joseph expound on canine cryptids of the midwest for fifteen minutes, fascinated the entire time.

“Y’know, I had a line cook who swore he’d been abducted by aliens.”

“What was his proof?”

By the time their plates are clean, Joseph has generated three alternative explanations and Barclay is staring at him with an expression straight from a rom-com. The cook sets up the movie while Joseph does the dishes, then pulls him under a mound of blankets.

“The heat in this place is shit, but I promise I’ll keep you warm.”

He enjoys the movie plenty, the weight of Barclay’s arm over his shoulder and, eventually, his waist, even more. They watch Ramen Girl for the hell of it, spooning on the couch while the snow makes dunes out of the sidewalk.

When the second movie is done, Joseph rolls so he’s facing the cook, “What should we do now?”

“Could keep watching movies, or bake something. I’ve got some cards and a few games in the closet. Or we could just cuddle and talk. I’m good with whatever.”

“...Could I ask you something?”

“Anything.”

“You’ve been so sweet all day. Why were you such an ass about our first date?”

Barclay shifts, discomfort entering his eyes, “I was having a shitty week and was hoping the date would make me feel better. I ended up so anxious after it, felt like you wanted to be somewhere else, that I kinda took my frustration out by being a dick. I’m sorry. I, um, I wasn’t even on that many dates between now and then; I’d just text you what I’d wished had happened to fuck with you.”

“I should’ve known it; no one has that many good dates in a row.”

“Sorry.”

Joseph cups his cheek, “And I’m sorry for making you feel that way the first time. I had my reasons but, well, you still had a bad time because I was flustered and couldn’t get my mind off work.”

“Think you’ve more than made up for it.”

“Can I try again anyway?” Joseph kisses him, slipping his fingers under the waistband of his sweats.

Barclay’s lips curve up, “Bedroom?”

“Bedroom.”

Once Barclay is comfortably naked atop the blankets (space heater pointed at the bed all the while), Joseph asks if he has any condoms.

“Yeah, bathroom cabinet. But I’m not, uh, I don’t-”

“It’s not for penetration. You said last night that was a no for you.” In the reflection of the bathroom mirror, he watches him relax. If he ever finds out someone saw the tension in those muscles, heard the worry in that sweet, deep voice and pushed anyway, he’s going to set them on fire with his mind.

Barclay nestles his cheek on his pillow as Joseph fishes his swiss army knife from his jacket, puts his ass in the air and wiggles it expectantly as Joseph unrolls the cut latex.

“Is this okay?”

“Uh huh, I really love it when guys do this but, uh, it doesn’t happen much. The hair turns a lot of them off.”

“Cowards.” Joseph holds the makeshift dam in place. Barclay’s chuckle morphs into a moan as he presses his face between his asscheeks, tongue making an obscene sound against the latex. There’s a warmth to this angle that he loves, a tender sort of filthiness to the way Barclay pushes his ass back with little gasps of his name.

He doesn’t get to practice his technique often, but that makes it all the more pleasurable to re-acquaint himself with it now, find the ways of pressing and curving his tongue that make Barclay’s ass tense under his hands.

“Fuck, fuck, Joseph, I take it all back, every rude text, you’re gonna drive every date you get crazy, gonna make them wonder how they got so lucky to get someone so goddamn wild.”

“I don’t think I will. I think” Joseph kisses the small of his back, “I think it’s you. You bring it out in me, you make me want to do all the things I’d be ashamed to ask for the rest of the time.”

Barclay whimpers happily.

“I’m serious. There’s something about you, I feel like I can want what I want without shame.” He nips his right cheek once, gently, “or maybe it’s just that what I really want is you and everything else finds into line because of it.”

“Fuuuck, baby, please.” Barclays weight shifts as Joseph eats him out ever more messily, “wanna, wanna make you feel good.” He’s rubbing his dick, Joseph can tell by the sound.

“May I?”

“Uhhuh, fuck, c’mere” Barclay grabs him as soon as they’re both sitting up, “was gonna pound you into next week but I dont wanna waste time with the harness right now.”

“Then we can do that tomorrowAH, ohlord” his hand stutters on it’s way to Barclay’s cock as calloused fingers circle is dick, “god there is not a part of you that disappoints, you’re just a wet dream from top to bottom.”

“Aw, babe.” Barclay kisses his shoulder, groaning as Joseph thumbs his dick, “fuck, speaking of, you gonna tell me what you meant in the stall last night? About things being ‘the other way around.”

Now it’s his turn to hide his face, “Promise you won’t think I’m dirty?”

“Babe, your mouth was on my ass a minute ago. You’re dirty and I fucking love it.”

“I, um, I, when I travel for missions I look for, for places that have glory holes.”

“Oh fuck” Barclay ruts against his palm, “that’s a fucking amazing image blue eyes. You on your knees, trying to keep that fucking suit clean while a fucking parade of guys shove their dicks down your throat.”

“I, it’s an easy way for me to get off, I can edge myself until I’m done and then cum without anyone being the wise but, god, half the time I’d think about this, want this.” He speeds up his strokes, pumps his cock into Barclay’s fist.

“What, a hairy trans guy?” Barclay bumps their noses together.

“This” his free hand glides along Barclays arm where it’s holding him, “s-someone to see me, hold onto me, fuck the whole of me and not just the acceptable, easy part. But” he meets brown eyes, teases slick skin, “I, the other times I fucked someone like this it, it was like I was still in that fucking stall. Last night, today, I’m here, I want to be and I am.”

“Baby.” The word comes in a sweet rumble of understanding just as Joseph cums with a gasp. He holds on for dear life as Barclay joins their hands and guides his fingers along his dick, forces his mind to memorize the movements and shapes for next time.

Barclay cums with a groan, flinging his hands up to cup Joseph's head and kiss him. There’s cum on his arm, on Joseph’s fingers and now in his hair and he cannot bring himself to give a shit. Gradually the kisses trail to his cheeks, his neck, his collarbone, and then Barclay is nestling his head under his chin.

“I, um, I think it might have been a good thing. That first date. I can be overly focused on work, can forget to turn off the special agent questioning mode and just talk like a person. I’m glad you saw those parts of me and, um, and decided to give me another chance.”

“Hey, you saw that I could be kinda sensitive and stubborn when I think someone did something wrong and you still saved my ass from being humiliated on the internet.” Barclay sighs as Joseph pets his hair.

“Do you, um, want to keep getting to know each other? Good parts and bad?”

Barclay looks up at him. Sees him.

“Yeah, blue eyes, I do.”

[silverthetheorist]

The end of L’manburg was disappointing (and why rollercoasters and fun)

I really wanted to like this war. I really did. And I did like many things (Which I will go through don't worry) but... Look, the event was not bad by any means. But this is the first big event that I can say was mediocre at worst and good at best. A solid 6/10 maybe (All other story arcs and events are from a 8/10 to 10/10), specially after the marvelous festival from yesterday. So let’s see first the things that worked: 

- FUNDY AND NICKY POPPED OFF. Them destroying the provisions before the start was great because it did not only made sense for their (Very tired of being sidelined and very tired of L’manberg’s bullshit) but it also had plot repercussion. In a story, for an action to be significant it has to have two things going for it: An emotional repercussion and a plot repercussion. This had both: Two og L’manburgian giving up on their nation and causing the L’maburg forces to be under-and I can’t stress this enough- very under prepared. In Eret’s case it is a lot harder to justify because her arc was never very consistent as I have said before. 

-The villains were very smart and intimidating. First the chose to attack L’manberg the day after the festival giving them little to no time to prepare. Second, they attacked earlier and devised a plan to cause the most destruction possible. Dream and Techno are many times smarter than many movie villains. 

-Tommy exposed Techno for the hypocrite and selfish pig he is. Good for him.

-Anything Ranboo does is gold of course. But, I think joining Phil is a bit of an iffy decision. For someone who doesn’t choose sides he surely chose the one that caused the most destruction and pain for all of his other friends. He is probably one of the most exciting people to watch in the future

-Tubbo jumping in front of Techno’s blast to protect Tommy (I do not want Tubbo to die because he is probs my favorite but that would have been a cool canon death). Tommy asking about Tubbo every 5 seconds. Both apologizing to each other and reuniting finally. Tubbo looking at everything he had built being destroyed, completely speechless. Tommy and Tubbo meeting Dream in the obsidian thing over L’manber. It had a weird final boss feel to it. I wish something had happened between the three there. Maybe a short fight or something. It was still cool.

So, yeah. There is a lot to like about the event. Now I have three main problems with this event: 

My first problem is that it all felt a bit... pointless. This reminded me a lot of the movie Captain America: Civil War. It was a great movie, but it did not have almost any consequences. In today’s event L’MANBURG WAS DESTROYED FOR GOOD THIS TIME and... it doesn’t feel like anything has changed at all. Tommy is still on about the disks even after everything he’s been through. Quackity is still... honestly I never know what is going on with him. Techno and Phil are still assholes and have all the power along with Dream. The badlands still haven’t done a thing (A shame). You can say that Wilbur is going to be revived, and yes that is pretty big, but he has been alive before (I actually love that he is being resurrected surprisingly, I’ll talk about it later). You can also say that L’manburg is gone now but... was it really there ever since Tommy was exiled considering everyone basically left?

It feels like we could have skipped everything after Wilbur blew L’manberg and everything would be the same. Like everything in between did not matter. Think of it, is there any major differences (Besides minor character changes) between the end of the Manberg vs Pogtopia war and now? Probably not many. This goes back to what I said in my first post: History is repeating itself a little to much. Another exile, another festival, another execution, another time L’manburg is destroyed. At least there is not going to be another election anytime soon. 

I think Tommy’s line to Techno that “You are repeating history but worse” is very ironic. The idea that history repeat itself is tempting and, when done efficiently can be amazing, but this was not the case. I cannot blame theme though, a “history repeats itself” story is very hard to write without feeling like you are repeating yourself. But they were so close. The Schlatt/Wilbur and Tommy/Tubbo parallels are a great example of it because it had the two things that a “History Repeats itself” plot needs: A new emotional background (The Tubbo/Tommy friendship breaking) and a final change (When both decide not to become like their predecessor). That’s right. You can argue that this war had a different emotional background but the end result was the seem. This type of stories are only satisfying if we see the change at the end, imagine how great it would have been if they managed to resolve their differences and truly unite against Dream and stop L’manburg from blowing up. 

That is my second problem. I am not against the idea of L’manburg ending for good. But it happened at a very random part of the story. L’manburg, the place that started it all perished because a pig felt betrayed by a friend and Dream was being his usual self. Compare this to the last time it blew up: A fallen hero destroying what he built because he wouldn’t let anyone else have it. It just doesn’t compare. And honestly, we are mostly sad that it is gone because of the first war, the election and the manberg vs pogtopia arcs. If the end goal of three months of storytelling is to destroy L’manburg, why did they spend three months showing how shitty it has become and how everyone left? This last point sections nicely to my last problem

My third and final problem is that it all seems a little samey. Now listen to me on this one. Do you know why the Deadpool movies are so effective at making you laugh? Because it mixes dramatic moments with comedy very well, each dramatic moment elevates the next joke and vice versa. It is also why Tommy’s lore streams are so good, when you juxtapose both drama and comedy it works very well. Like a rollercoaster, the fun comes from all the ups and downs. But can you truly say there were any up moments since the manberg vs pogtopia war. Not really, maybe some but nowhere new as good as the up moments in previous arcs and nowhere near as present. That is why this past three months feel very samey. It has been just constant dread and sadness with very few good moments storywise. Compare this to before when Wilbur was the main writer: Eret betrayed everyone and Dream blew up some of L’manberg, but they won the war and got their independence. Pog 2020 lost the election but Techno joined them and most people were secretly helping from the shadows. They got back L’manburg from Schlatt but Wilbur and Techno betrayed them. See how it has a great mixtures of ups and downs? Today’s event would have benefited from at least one ray of sunshine at the end, maybe a new piece of information returns, or Tommy and Tubbo have a final talk and resolver everything, or something nice for a change. (Wilbur being resurrected does not count, he traumatised everyone, I would not say that is a very happy thing, more of a mixed bag) 

But I don’t want come off as too negative. But now I am being cautious of the storyline. I think the next couple of stream are going to be key. There is still hope that some of these problems will be addressed. Even if they are not, the story will have suffered it’s first big dud (Which is a testament to how good and capable everyone is of telling a great story). 

PS: English not my first language. You know the drill. I am once again not sending hate to anyone ever. There is nothing wrong with criticizing what you love, I think it is kind of necessary in a weird way.

PS2: I also have hope because I believe that Wilbur is coming back as a writer. On a stream (When he saw Matpat’s theory) he said the was “not currently writing the story” which I found as very suspicious wording. That and Alivebur returning I think makes a pretty compelling case for his return as a writer, I don’t see him as the type of guy that would just return so that someone else would write his character. On another note I hope the current writer don’t feel pressured to follow Matpat’s theory just because he is a big youtuber. While not a bad theory by all means (As soon as Ghostbur said he wanted to be alive my first thought was Quackity and Schlatt) but I would prefer it if they were not manipulated by outside sources to make the story a certain way. 

PS3: I have other things I would like to cover. Mainly, I have three ideas for future essays: an analysis of the medium the smp storyline is being made and why it is harmful to it’s story (Specifically it’s eventual ending), a study of how Ranboo’s philosophy causes more harm than good and a “What if” essay of how many road the smp could have taken with it’s story after the manberg vs pogtopia war. I will probably do all three of them eventually but if anyone wants a specific one I can do it no problem. Also, if anyone wants to interact or give their opinions or criticize my ideas you are more than welcome to. I have no friends who are into mcyt and I love the back and forward of different opinions and ideas.   

[haikyuuwaifu]

Trip

Reader x Keigo x Bakugo x Shinsou x Shoto Poly

Warnings: Swearing

MASTERLIST

LOUIS VUITTON FIASCO

Y/N and Momo, but mostly Momo had decided that they would dedicate their last free day in the city to shopping. “It’s a celebratory shopping trip for finally getting the keys to the new shop!” Momo cheered, as the two friends made their way into the shopping center. “I mean, I was thinking of hookers and cocaine; but I guess blowing money is also fine.” Y/N declared snickering at the snort that came out of Momo’s nose. “Don’t even joke about something like that, Izuku would cry about it the whole time.” Momo huffed out as she and Y/N made their way to the Boba shop. 

A few hours into their shopping day, the two friends made their way around the massive shopping center, idly making conversation. “You know what!” Y/N exclaimed clutching Momo’s hand, “We need to go to Louis Vuitton! I think they’re new line is out and they have this wallet I’ve been eyeing for months.” and at break neck speed the two women booked it, to one of their favorite stores; only to be greeted by the sight of a chubby faced, short haired woman screeching at the sales person, who looked like she was going to cry. The woman was dressed in a pair of leggings, and a crop top. She had a pair of gucci sunglasses perched a top her head, and her nails looked newly manicured. From a distance, she looked like the rich bitch type; but growing up with Momo taught Y/N one thing; and that was how to tell the difference between a rich bitch and a fake hoe miles away. 

As the two women approached the store, they failed to noticed an angry looking man walking behind them, headed in the same direction. He was tall, with broad shoulders and spikey ash blond hair. The sides were faded extra short and the top was long. He had tattoos running down his arms and across his chest. The tank-top he was wearing under his flannel showed his back piece peeking if someone were to look hard enough. The snarl he made is what actually alerted Y/N to his presense behind her; and she swiftly tugged Momo out of his war path. Muttering an apology Bakugo proceeded towards the direction of the store, surprising both women when he stepped inside. 

Inside the store, Katsuki was standing behind his girlfriend as he listened to her scream and yell at the salesperson about whatever dumbass reason she was yelling. Honestly he didn’t give a shit; didn’t even want to fucking come on his only day off this week, but what the fuck ever. As he half listened to her ranting, the front entrance dinged notifying the store that another customer had entered. “I-I’ll be with you ladies in a moment.” the store clerk had stuttered out; as Ochaco continued to rant and rave. “Oh don’t you worry sweetie; we can wait for you to finish with that unruly customer.” one of the women murmured smiling softly. The woman next to her cackled, and it brought a small smirk to Katsuki’s face. “Just say it Momo, a circus is missing it’s prized banshee.” At the sound of the insult, Ochaco whipped her head around; ready to yell when she was met with the site of not one, but two alpha women. A part of her wanted to shrink back, she had never had the nerve to deal with two of them; but most of her was going to put these bitches in their place. Before she could though, one of them had stepped away to look around. “I’ll leave this for you Y/N, I’m going to see those wallets you were talking about.” Momo whispered as she turned and made her way to the wall on the other side of the store. 

Uraraka smiled internally pleased to be left with who she presumed as the more docile of the two women. Y/N looked at the other woman, eyes narrowing slightly. “Are you alright miss?” Y/N asked the sales clerk, as she moved around the other woman. The clerk, nodded slightly eyes filled with unshed tears. Y/N pulled the shorter woman in for a hug and patted her back softly “It’s alright, I’ll deal with this; can you do me a favor and grab me some of these?” she asked, showing the clerk exactly what she was looking for. Nodding slightly, the sales woman answered, “I’ll be sure to get those right away ma’am.” As she turned to go to the back, Ochaco reached her hand out only for it to be stopped by Y/N. “I don’t think so chubs; you and I are going to have a discussion about how to treat retail workers.” 

“How I treat the help is none of your business.” Ochaco snarled, crossing her arms over her chest. “Aren’t retail worker supposed to stick together?” Y/N asked, looking down at her nails in disinterest. “The fuck is that supposed to mean?” as the two women are interacting, Katsuki is silently taking this scene in. In most cases, he’d deal with it himself; but Uraraka fucked herself this time. He knew she was in the wrong; and he was going to let her deal with the repercussions for it. “You think, I can’t tell that you work in a department store?” Y/N asked looking the other woman up and down. She laughed slightly at the way the short haired girl puffed her cheeks. “Let me guess, you’re a part time cashier in a department store; and then you have a small youtube channel about “fitness”” Y/N asked air quoting the word fitness. Beside them Katsuki snickered. “Babe, you’re supposed to be in my corner!” Uraraka snarled facing her boyfriend. “Kind of hard to do when she’s got you pegged cheeks; and she’s right, you shouldn’t be talking to that woman that way.” Katsuki grumbled out. Y/N chose to ignore the shot of lust that went straight to her pussy at the sound of his voice. 

As Ochaco moved to say something, the clerk had returned with the items Y/N had asked for. “Here’s everything you requested miss, and you’re in luck; this is the last wallet until we restock next month.” the clerk smiled eyes shining with veiled pettiness at the fact that the short haired woman wouldn’t get what she came in there screaming for. “You fucking told me you were sold out!” Ochaco screeched ready to lunge at the sales clerk. “I never said that ma’am. I said I’d have to go back and check; you would have known that had you bothered to shut your mouth and listen.” the clerk stated narrowing her eyes slightly. “Tell her girl! Go on!” Y/N stated, sifting through the wallet pockets. On the other end of the store Momo was cackling quietly as well as updating the GC of the days current events. “Do you know who the fuck i am?! Who the fuck my boyfriend is? He’ll fucking crush you!” Uraraka screeched, slamming her fists on the glass. “Sir, I think it’s time you take your child home. She’ll no longer be allowed to shop here.” the clerk stated sternly towards Katsuki. “Fucking christ cheeks; it’s a stupid fucking wallet and it was probably too damn expensive anyway.” he grumbled, trying to drag her out of the store. “It was only 1500 Katsuki, and you promised you’d buy it for me!” she screeched out latching onto the counter top. Katsuki let out a snort of disbelief, “You must be fucking crazy if you think I’m going to shell out 1500 dollars for a fucking wallet you’re only buying for the aesthetic.” He snarled out unlatching her hands from the counter top. “Now let’s fucking go.” As he made his way towards the exit Y/N waved her black card in front of Ochaco’s face; “I’ll take two of everything to make up for that shitty customer. You get paid based on commission right?” Y/N asked cheekily, and all that could be heard through the shopping center was an enraged Uraraka Ochaco and a swearing Katsuki Bakugo.

“I don’t know what the fuck is in Tokyo water, but the men here are sexy and the women here suck.” Y/N mumbled to Momo as the two made their way to the parking lot. To their surprise, Katsuki was out there sitting on the hood of his car; seemingly waiting for them. “I uh...I wanted to apologize for my girlfriends shit behavior.” he mumbled out scratching the back of his neck as he cast his eyes down to the ground. Y/N stepped forward and titled his chin up with her index finger. “You’re a fucking king, so fucking act like it; and don’t go apologizing for her shitty behavior. She’s an adult, and she should take responsibility for her own actions.” Y/N huffed out a pretty smile stretching over her features. Booping his nose, she giggled at the way his cheeks flushed and waved as she walked passed him. “See you around King!” she called behind her as she and Momo made their way towards the car, Katsuki watching them a shocked look on his face.

That night, Katsuki was in his apartment alone, as Uraraka was still pissed with him; so she had opted to stay with Camie for a while. He spent that evening playing over Y/N’s words and continued to do so into the following morning.

-Katsuki and Uraraka have been together for 10 years. In the beginning of their relationship Katsuki was very outspoken and he didn’t let anyone treat him any kind of way. As the relationship progressed Izuku and Denki could see that the Katsuki he was acting like wasn’t the Katsuki they really knew. Being with Ochaco made him soft, in the ways that he shouldn’t have been; and she’s spent the last number of years walking all over him. Y/N could tell what kind of person he should have been and she hoped her reminder that he was more than he was being treated stuck; and it did. 

-That following Monday showed a bit of the old Katsuki, and it started with him NOT paying Ochaco’s bills anymore.

@dabilove27​ @ouijaeater15​ @kit-kat428​ @lia-faerie-queen​ @stickystrawberrysyrup​ @mushimoon14​ @iloveyouasmuchaspoohloveshoney​ @patricia-ceballos​ @starrygoblin​ @cathy8taffy​ @moon-spirit-yue​ @eraser-baby​ @yafriendlyfangirl​ @ditu-m9​ @loverofallthingsfoxy​ @percabethismyotp14​ @alorathebear���

[pochiperpe90]

Interview with the director of “They Call Me Jeeg”

Interview with director Gabriele Mainetti about the movie and the Zingaro (Luca Marinelli)

When I think back to “They call me Jeeg” I think of the Zingaro. In your film there is one of the most beautiful villains of Italian cinema of recent years, how was he born?

We wanted to create a villain that wasn't just bad. We wanted to give it a three-dimensionality, complicate it and make it fascinating and original. In my opinion, the Zingaro is a very successful character and much loved by everyone for a specific reason: because they feel him close. He is the victim of what is a bit of a contemporary neurosis, that is, the need to showcase himself. We are now victims of how many likes we get on social networks and how many views does the video we post on YouTube, and he’s interesting because when he was a kid he performed in a singing interpretation on ‘Buona Domenica’ and then he lived what many people did: he become a meteor (it means that his fame lasted very little). But it’s as if he had never accepted it and brought with him this narcissistic attitude, and he wants to become a respected and almost famous criminal, but it makes no sense, because criminals when they become so important have to live in basements, it's not that you can show off, so it's a bit of a nonsense, and that's all the madness of the Zingaro.

It was interesting, because when I met people to do the auditions they all came with - as they say in Rome - 'the nostrils of the nose widened like bulls', as the kind of bad guys who beat you. But the Zingaro is an intelligent, sophisticated character, with a talent, who can sing, elegant, who has his own aesthetic idea, he is beautiful, and therefore I needed someone who would bring me the intelligence of the character, and Marinelli although at beginning was very distant from what you saw on the screen, had made me glimpse this necessary feature.

The stakes were high. It was difficult after seeing Luca Marinelli as Cesare in Claudio Caligari's ‘Don't Be Bad’ to think that in a few months he would be back with another strong character.

I shot a year before ‘Don't be bad’ and this helped him a lot, he always recognizes it when he can. Luca was far from the peripheral element, he is a boy who grew up in a modest family, in the streets with his friends, but still he was in Prati, he wasn’t in San Basilio, in Tor Bella Monaca or Corviale. He has never experienced one of these realities, and this character must have had this reality in his blood here, and the need to redeem himself socially and find the famous 'turning point' of the criminal. I took him, took him to Tor Bella Monaca, we did a lot of tests, it was a very intense job. At the beginning there was a moment of jealousy, not because the ‘Maestro’ had taken him, but because it was released first, but it was right. At one point I said: "What do I care!", Caligari taught me so much with two films - if they say that Caligari has made little cinema, it’s the biggest bullshit that can be said, because in Caligari’s movies there is more of that cinema that in a hundred films of many morons. The fact that he saw this light inside Luca and the fact that I also saw it inside him, means that something works. I love Caligari, I love him as much as I loved ‘Don't be bad’.

I admit I was almost upset when at the press conference at the Quattro Fontane, here in Rome, Marinelli arrived in plain clothes, not dressed as the Zingaro …

He is very shy, very reserved, he’s exactly the opposite of his character. Paradoxically in life Santamaria is the Zingaro, and Enzo is Luca Marinelli …

The nice thing about the Zingaro is that we discover his character and his past little by little, when we think that the character has been defined and yet, not really. I loved his unexpected obsession with Italian singers, four queens of the Eighties: Loredana Bertè, Gianna Nannini, Nada and Anna Oxa …

We actually had an Italian singer in mind but we were unable to involve him, we thought of replacing him with another singer but we continued to find only women and we said to ourselves "but she doesn't have the power of this one", and in the end the idea: "but why don't we take several, as if he was an expert?", and this thing was born a lot with Luca, especially the musical choice, we went there, we evaluated them, we discovered which ones we could use - because you know music always has a cost ... I am a lover of all four singers put in the film, TOTAL, which should probably lead me to question myself about my sexual orientation, right now I continue to heterosexualize everything, but I love them, a lot, and I loved Anna Oxa when I was little, Berté despite now looking like Mickey Rourke is always super, great, she always has a crazy voice.

Since we met the Zingaro, with some of my friends, we greet each other with: «C’è una ragione che cresce in me»

To think that someone posted to me on the Internet: "If I started singing such a shitty song, it means that the film is really beautiful!", and I replied to him: "But how dare you saying that “Un’emozione da poco” is a shitty song, you are a shit!».

What was it like shooting the scene in which Luca Marinelli, in a shady club, sings and dances in a sequined jacket, shirtless, with just a glove, with his hair back, with high-heeled boots and tight pants, the song by Anna Oxa?

Luca did it I think 15 times. In the end, the voice was right, Luca has a very strong voice, he is very resistant, he never loses control. I made him do it a lot of times, because he wanted to make it perfect and I kept following him. I have told it through many fields. We have thought about it a lot.

Look, the Zingaro was a very difficult character. The look, how to throw his hair, how to dress him, how he had to sing, how he had to perform, which tattoos… is the character we have thought about the most. Then if you notice he is clearly a quote from David Bowie's Ziggy Stardust, especially in the final part.

Another thing that I liked so much about your film is that there are no good and bad characters. Bad guys are never just bad guys. And it’s precisely the weaknesses of the characters that make them close to us, the Zingaro who sings at the top of his voice “Non sono una signora” in the car with friends as if he was at the stadium, Enzo who eats the usual cream pudding in an atmosphere of extreme desolation in front of the TV, Alessia fixed with a single DVD, a cartoon for children. “They call me Jeeg” is a film about superheroes who are real people, who are so real that at different moments in the film we identified with a different protagonist of the three.

Thank you so much because this thing you say, is not easy. Usually the emotional vehicles are always one or two, three is tough. It all depends on how the writing is set up. The character is the most important thing in the film, because it’s the emotional vehicle of the viewer. In America they had already tried it in some films. Super didn’t have super powers but he was a sort of vigilant who disguised himself and went to do good, he was a loser in an American town who clashes with this boss, microboss of the underworld, and must kill the Evil. The Manichean vision between Good and Evil, which is very American, still makes me laugh.

This attempt to mix what I call the ‘Pasolini element’ with the ‘fantastic element’, which I had already tried in my short films ‘Tiger Boy’ and ‘Basette’, comes naturally to me. You know, I was lucky enough to have done the American school, I was part of the University in New York, my grandmother lived the first years of her life in New Jersey, I have relatives in New Jersey, my sister lives in America, I have a very "happy" relationship with America, the American system is total crazy, but I understand their cinema, and I understand their fictions, and I understand why we digest some things and we don't digest others, I know how we work. For me, the only way to get to the suspension of disbelief was to tell characters that are as real as possible, then hook on to a very strong experience. Because if you are so passionate about him, you can't not believe him when he has super power, but he has to react to super power as anyone would react. They are really well written.

This thing here makes me laugh ... No one has ever focused on this thing. This guy falls from the top floor and runs away! Escape! What the fuck are you running away for? He wasn't hurt but he runs away, he has to run away because he's afraid, he goes back home and if he has to, he can't think about it yet, he doesn't think about it yet, but it's typical of someone who doesn't want to have responsibility. Then when he gets angry that he punches the wall, he still struggles, and when he becomes aware of the fact that he has super powers, since he is a criminal, what does he do? He rob an ATM, to buy more yogurt. That's where the stuff works. If, on the other hand, you made him fall from the top floor and then say: "Damn, I’m so strong!", he would jump again, climb up, smash his head, gut, takes his cocaine, it seemed, you know ... but what are we talking about.

The 80s songs, Buona Domenica, YouTube, superheroes, the Roman suburbs, the Olympic stadium ... the mix of elements that are part of the story of “They call me Jeeg” could be very risky, but the way it’s narrated makes this a winning combination. You tell things you know without judging them.

Exactly. Many kids call me and tell me: «Ah, but how did you do it, but how did you do it», «How it should be done» I replied: «Guys, you should talk about things that concern you!». You have to talk about the things that belong to you, and try to insert them into what the cinematographic genre is, that genre has its codes, if you want to do an even more extreme operation, but I don't recommend it, you have to completely subvert them. But you have to make it work for what you are doing. I am an admirer, for example, of Puglielli's ‘Dorme’, it's a WONDERFUL film; he recounted the frustration of his height, which is actually a shortness. We must start from the things we know, from our frailties. Unfortunately, the American superheroes, especially the Marvel ones, lately, are all plastic. I always ask myself, a question that always arises spontaneously, but how the fuck do they put all that spandex stuff on? How do they get into it? Do they all oil themselves first? It looks like a wetsuit ... I find it really ridiculous. In fact, it's not that I don't like superhero movies, I like Batman, because he still has a great internal conflict and everything, but here I need characters with great fragility. My favorite superhero movie is The Guardians of the Galaxy, because I know five ramshackle people who have the responsibility of saving the world. And they manage to do it, how? Because they establish a true relationship between them, which is that of friendship, and realizing that they love each other, they understand that they can also love others and say to each other "Oh well, let's save these assholes", it's fantastic, it's fantastic, it's beautiful. I can empathize with them. Certainly with Superman I can’t, I can’t succeed.

In the days I watched “They call me Jeeg” I had arrived at the third episode of Jessica Jones, the Netflix series in which the protagonist takes the opposite path of Enzo, from superheroine to 'normal' person, investigator with somewhat special powers. What do you think of recent series or movies that have a superhero at the center?

I saw the first two episodes but it bored me a bit. Deadpool is just the answer to this clean cinema, with him farting, getting sodomized by his partner and he's nice, but he didn't convince me too much, because he is in reaction to the plastic of these super heroes, and therefore he mocks everyone. But I don't give a damn about that either. I want the story of a person, I want the story of a character, that's the thing that excites me. I saw Daredevil and I didn't mind, it wasn't bad.

The background of Rome in “They Call Me Jeeg” is an important component. Are there any Italian films set in recent years, in the capital, that you care most about? I think of Romanzo Criminale, The great beauty, Don't be bad, Suburra.

They are very different films. Sorrentino has such a unique look that one cannot fail to recognize it. Formally it’s indisputable. Sometimes, from a content point of view, there are some things that I probably can't grasp, and I don't know if it's my limit; I like to get excited, the staging excites me, but I don't know, I love ‘La dolce vita’, I love Fellini, I love ‘Otto e mezzo’, that distorted and grotesque vision that he had ... but there is no comparison, that would be nonsense.

“Don’t be bad” is certainly the one that excited me the most. Who wants to make a certain type of cinema, social cinema, committed cinema, should study this ability of Caligari (but how much has he been criticized? Because yes, "Masterpiece" and that and that, but everyone criticizes a lot of it, because they are infamous ‘rosiconi’ → jealous people in the Roman dialect). What Caligari teaches is that he puts you next to a character with extreme problems but makes him feel like a friend, makes you understand that he is like you and allows you to identify. He has a deep friendship which is that between Cesare and Vittorio, he has a love story, the character of Cesare, as well as that of Vittorio, even the drug itself is experienced as fun at the beginning, as a sort of pact of love between the two of them, then you understand many things, that is something that is a great lesson in cinema, it’s a lesson in profound cinema, of cinema that interests me, cinema that excites you.

Romanzo Criminale is a very successful genre operation, which has highlighted the possibility of tackling the genre when it was thought to be banned; when I had this subject in 2010 I used to shoot like a jerk for all the productions and they said to me that: "Don't have to do this thing, because it doesn't make sense, genre cinema isn’t liked in Italy, it doesn't work, it's a waste of time, among other things, we don't have the skills to organize it», and instead Romanzo Criminale, then the series, then Gomorra the series, Suburra, now they make Suburra the series, is telling the opposite. Fortunately there is a Romanzo Criminale, fortunately there is ‘The Great Beauty’ who won the Oscar, fortunately there is ‘Don't be bad’.

DUDEMAG

Just wanted to translate this old interview for the non-italian’s fans ^^ (sorry for my English)  

[duhragonball]

Disinterpretation

I finally finished the Sarah Z video about “pro vs. anti”.   It’s pretty long, and I ended up watching it in chunks over several days, but I think it’s worth watching, especially if you’re sort of partially connected to online fandom, but not enough to be aware of all the lingo. 

As I expected, the whole thing was vague and confusing because the people involved in the conflict made it vague and confusing.   In theory, the full terms would be “pro-shipping” and “anti-shipping”, but it seems like it’s more about particular kinds of ships that could be considered controversial.  But that’s a slippery slope, and apparently the whole conflict mutated into both sides deciding that every hypothetical relationship between fictional characters is either equally valid or equally dangerous.  

Long story short, it’s just purity culture, which was what everyone on Tumblr was calling it around 2012.  But now, if you’re a sane person who genuinely asks: “Who gives a fuck about Voltron?”, these people will jump your ass and accuse you of being on the side of their enemies.  “Children have died over the importance of Lotor/Hagger!   Your callous indifference proves that you yourself must have murdered children!” 

I think what Sarah Z really hit upon in this video was that media consumption has become so ingrained in our culture that people feel like it has to go hand-in-hand with our morality.   That is, it’s not enough for me to watch Star Trek, I have to justify Star Trek as evidence that I’m a good person.  Maybe this is where the expression “guilty pleasure” comes from.   Conversely, it’s not enough for me to not watch Dr. Who, I have to somehow convince everyone that Dr. Who was invented by the devil.

I’m pretty sure the Reylo ship has a lot to do with this, since it’s kind of understood to be a dark, problematic concept, and fans either embrace its flaws or recoil in horror because of them.   Star Wars itself is a dumb story about space wizards, so people try to give the debate more weight by linking it to freedom of self expression and/or enabling real world harm.   Suddenly it’s not enough to just think two actors would look cute making out instead of fighting.   Now it’s this battlefield for the soul of civilization or something.

I grew up in the 80′s, when “concerned parents” and grifters would accuse the Smurfs and metal bands of promoting satanism and witchcraft.   I used to hear stories of teens going out into the woods in the middle of the night to do occult stuff, and all I could ever think about was: “Why would anyone bother wandering out in the woods in the middle of the night?”  Which is why “concerned parents” turned their attention to things that were closer to home, like Saturday morning cartoons.   It had nothing to do with the content; it was just about finding a safe, accessible target for their hysteria.   Some people want to go on a crusade without leaving the house, so they pick a fight with Papa Smurf instead of confronting the real evils in the world.  Even as a kid, I knew this was a con, because I’d watched the show for myself and knew it was too saccharine to be threat to anyone.

The pro/anti folks have tried to disguise this with a lot of terminology.   I wondered why they seemed to reluctant to use the full terms “pro-shipper” and “anti-shipper”, and it’s probably a couple of things.   First, the word “shipper” is basically an admission that this is pointless bullshit that doesn’t matter, and they’d like to avoid that connotation.   Second, they seem to have decided that this goes beyond shipping itself, into practically anything else they want it to involve.  It’s all part of the con, which is to make you believe that it’s “us vs. them”, and you can be part of “us” by curating specific attitudes about Steven Universe.

Seriously, “about Steven Universe” is such an incredible punchline.  You can make anything funnier by adding those three words to the end of a sentence.   “Do not interact if you blog about Steven Universe.”   “Hey, what’s up, YouTube, this is SSJ3RyokoLover69, and this is going to be kind of a serious video about Steven Universe.”   “Mrs. Johnson, the results of your biopsy are in, and I have some bad news about Steven Universe.”   It’s a fucking kids show.   “Oh no, all the characters look like the characters in all the other kids shows!”   Yeah, that’s because it’s a kids show.   Marvin looks like Garfield, this isn’t new.

The common denominator here seems to be that both sides try to wrap themselves in the flag of vulnerable groups: impressionable minors, trauma survivors, harassment victims, etc.   The “pros” want to protect those people so that they can feel free to explore weird subject matter on their own terms, and the “antis” want to protect the same people from being exposed to weird subject matter that they might not want to see.   It’s all about establishing a moral high ground.   Back in the day, it was called “sanctimony”. 

But people get roped into this, because at their core, people want approval, and this stupid conflict offers them a sense of community.  As long as you support the cause, whatever it may be, you’ll have this online friend network that appears to support anything you do.   But if you deviate from their norm, you’ll be cast out.    Does this sound familiar?

To use a more familiar example, I still sometimes find people clamoring about Gochi vs. Vegebul.   I’ve never understood this, because both ships were canon, and I never saw much direct evidence of a war between them, but people would still talk about how crazy the Vegebul shippers were, and how crazy the Gochi shippers were, and it was like some huge thing going on just over the hills.   It’s the same idea, since the idea that you could like both or neither never seems to occur to anyone involved.   I never gave a shit, because I used to see the same dumb agendas in the Harry Potter fandom.

Okay, so let me take you back.  It’s 2005 through 2011, and I’m hateblogging all seven Harry Potter novels, because fuck you, that’s why.  The funny thing I encountered was that occasionally fans seemed to want to pretend like my bashing of certain characters was proving them right somehow.    They were like “See?  He hates Ron Weasley too!  That proves that Seamus Finnegan is the coolest guy ever.”   The Slytherin stans would do this all the time, because I would constantly take the piss out of the Gryffindor characters for being self-important dopes.   I think they just liked hearing it from an outside perspective.   But I had to keep reminding them all that I hated all of them.   Every character from Harry Potter sucks ass. Voldemort was my favorite, but only because he was the one guy who wanted to kill all of the others.   But he sucks too because he failed. 

And the shippers were the same way.   I’d say something shitty about Ron, because Ron sucks, and some smartass Joss Whedon fan would be like “Yes!  Boost the signal!  That is why Harry/Hermione is the best ship!”  And I’d be like “No, Harry and Hermione suck at least as bad as Ron does.  They’re all terrible and I hate them.”   I really do think there was some sort of Stockholm Syndrome going on with Harry Potter books, where everyone secretly knows they suck, but the fans sort of latch on to one or two characters and go like “Well, he’s not as shitty as the rest.”   Like finding spaghetti in the trash and picking out the meatball with the least amount of lint on it.   Then you’d go and start a flamewar with some other starving person over whether your meatball is shittier than theirs.  This is what people mean when they say to read another book. 

Anyway, the big thing I picked up from Sarah Z’s video is “disinterpretation”, a term coined by MSNBC columnis Zeeshan Aleem.   The Twitter thread is worth a read, but the short version is that he once remarked that a Julia Louis-Dreyfus routine wasn’t very good, and someone got mad at him for insinuating that women are incapable of being funny.    They just took his dissatisfaction with one performance by one comedian as being a universal condemnation of women comedians in general.  And this sort of thing is all over the internet.   Everyone sees what they want to see and then they take it as permission to overreact.  

I ran into this myself a while back, because someone saw who I interacted with on Twitter and decided that they’re all bad guys and if I have any interaction with them, then that makes me a bad guy too.   At the time I tried to play it cool, but the more I think about it, the more it ticks me off.   And over the course of that conversation, it was said that I don’t talk about myself much, and that’s kind of funny, because all I ever do on social media is write long-ass blog posts like this one.  I don’t expect anyone to memorize them, or even read them all the way through, but when I write all this stuff and someone goes out of their way to say they don’t know anything about me, the message is that they just didn’t pay attention to what I was saying, and they didn’t bother to try.

So I’m a little jaded from that, because I got called out for a bunch of stuff I didn’t even do or say, and apparently that’s just a thing that happens.   People will reject you for completely arbitrary reasons, not because of anything you actually said or did, and you’re left thinking you made some terrible mistake.   Except, no, I’ve seen it happen to other people, people a lore more conscientious than I am, and if they can’t satisfy the bullshit purity standards, then I never stood a chance.   If the game is rigged so I can’t win, then I’m not going to play.  

And it’s that same condition that probably draws people into these online holy wars, because if you declare yourself for the pro or anti side, at least then you’ll have a posse backing you up.   Only they don’t support you, they support your willingness to support them.    Once your commitment to their agenda wavers, even in the slightest, they will turn against you.   

Sarah Z suggests that both sides of the war drop the pro and anti terms, since they lost all meaning long ago.   But that just invites a new set of useless terms to perpetuate the same cycle.   Her more useful advice is for fandom people to broaden their horizons.   She got a lot of flak for tweeting “Go outside” once, but the ironic thing is that it’s sound advice.   I had lunch with my mom yesterday and it was just nice getting away from things for a while.   People need to do that more often, and unfortunately it feels like it’s harder to do than ever before.

But “go outside” isn’t just a literal thing.   It can mean going beyond your usual haunts, reading the same books, watching the same shows, rehashing the same conversations.   I think the reason this stuff always revolves around “shipping” is because there seems to be this deep-seated compulsion to pair fictional characters off like this, and for a lot of folks it’s the only way they can consume a story, so they do.   And they do it lot, and there’s a lot of them, and they do it the same way every time, and lo and behold the same old conflicts start up.   So maybe “go outside” should mean “go outside of that cycle once in a while.”   Just a thought. 

[were-all-idjits-here]

Still Alive, Part III: Now We Hunt

Summary: While watching the season 7 finale of Supernatural, you’re zapped from your world to a world where everything that happened in the show is real. Sam’s real. Dean’s real. Monsters are real. And so is Purgatory–where Dean’s currently trapped, unbeknownst to Sam. Frustrated by Sam’s lack of trust and motivation, you decide to take matters into your own hands.

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Warnings: angst, cursing

A/N: the final part of this series. Thank you guys for your patience while I wrote this. Been recovering from burnout due to a toxic work environment, so that’s been making this a bit difficult writing-wise. But hope you all enjoy!

~~Read here on AO3~~

Birds trilled in the trees overhead. The breeze caused the evening light to dance through the forest as you stared at an unassuming spot on the ground. This was where Dean would emerge—whenever he emerged. But who knew how long that would take? You had already wasted a full day and night going to Target and stocking your new backpack full of supplies, getting a full night’s sleep (if things went bad, who knew when you’d have a chance to be well rested again?) and finding transportation all the way from the motel near Amelia and Sam’s to this specific spot. Then nearly another full day to get here. You’d tried to be careful and took out as much cash from Sam’s credit card as you could, but who knew how fast he would track you down?

You sighed and shouldered your backpack full of supplies as you trudged back to the motel you were staying at. It was nearing dark and you didn’t want to be caught out here after the sun set. Plus, you had to figure out a way to contact Dean so you knew how close he was to escaping Purgatory. About 30 minutes later, you let your backpack fall to the floor with a thud, pulling out your new laptop and opening your browser. The library in both towns you’d stayed in weren’t very helpful in figuring out how to astral project without being on top of old lingering magics. The second night you’d stayed at the first motel unfortunately didn’t render anymore visions of Dean. But after some Googling, you had found a YouTube link reading “Astral Projection Music *VERY STRONG*” that would hopefully at least point you in the right direction.

You settled onto your bed and took a deep breath before clicking the link. Ambient music with some strange undertones you couldn’t describe engulfed the motel room. You leaned back against the pillows and closed your eyes. You weren’t sure how long it took, but you felt yourself falling asleep. Your last thought before succumbing was a sinking feeling of disappointment as you realized this music would probably give you the best night of sleep of your life at best.

“Son of a bitch!” a rough voice barked in your ear.

You jumped and snapped upright to smack right into someone’s forehead. “Ow,” you muttered, rubbing at the spot that was sure to bruise later. You jumped as you saw Dean’s face just inches from yours doing the same. “Shit, it worked.”

“You sure you’re not a witch?” Dean asked. He was sprawled out on the ground next to you on top of his jacket, eyes bleary and hair sticking up every which way. You’d have laughed if you weren’t in Purgatory. The sky was darker than the first time you’d visited and the campfire was slowly dwindling. It looked to be a different clearing than last time; this time, he was near a stream, with two other jackets spread out around the fire.

“Um, no,” you replied. “Would’ve given a lot of assholes back home a good scare if I was. Did you find Cas and Benny?”

Dean groaned as he sat up. “Yeah. Benny’s hunting and Cas went further down the river to see if he could figure out which way this portal is.”

“You’ve got the spell ready for Benny?”

“Yep.”

“You found them fast. It’s only been a few days.”

Dean shrugged. “Benny wasn’t too far behind you. Or maybe you showing up changed things. He says he’s gonna take us to the portal tomorrow.”

“Good. What time?”

“No idea. We’re gonna start out first thing in the morning and get there as fast as we can. But make sure you tell Sam—”

You cleared your throat and looked away awkwardly, picking some dirt out from underneath your fingernails. You sighed and steeled yourself. Better to just rip the band-aid off quickly. “I’m alone, Dean.”

Dean stared at you with a blank expression for several moments.

Before he could cut in, you continued, “He won’t be catching up to me, either. He still doesn’t believe me and dumped my situation onto another hunter that was supposed to show up at the old motel I was staying at.” You inhaled deeply. You didn’t like telling him this, but better he knew everything upfront. As big of a fan of the show as you were, you knew how he reacted to secrets. “He…seems pretty convinced you’re dead and there’s no bringing you back this time.”

Dean shifted his still blank gaze to the dying flames. “What about Kevin?”

“I don’t think he and Sam have been in contact. From what I know of the show and judging by Sam’s reaction when I brought it up, Kevin’s been trying to get a hold of him and Sam just hasn’t been answering.”

���What?” Dean looked angry now and you bit your lip, unsure how to continue. You spread your hands in an irritated gesture instead. “You’re 100% positive about all this?”

“Yes.”

“How—”

A loud crashing noise broke you out of your sleep and you cursed under your breath. You glanced around the room—now shrouded in darkness—to see that your backpack had fallen off the end table from where you’d precariously balanced it just before nodding off. The astral projection music no longer played and your laptop screen was dark, making it impossible to know how long ago it had stopped. You wiggled your mouse to see the clock read six in the morning. You weren’t sure how early Dean, Benny and Cas were planning on starting out, or if time even flowed the same in Purgatory. You quickly shot up, stuffed all your spilled belongings and laptop back into your backpack and made your way out of the safety of the motel and into the woods.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You sighed as you plopped down on the ground in the very same spot you’d stood at earlier, wondering how in the fuck you had even gotten yourself here. The campers who had originally been here in the show—and subsequently been scared shitless by Dean—trudged off in the distance, grumbling distantly as the bob of their flashlight receded further into the woods. You felt bad for pulling all the asshole-ery you did to make them move, but this really was the best spot to look out for Dean. The sky was beginning to get lighter and the sounds of the breeze and waking birds made you want to nod off again. You did your best to resist, but as the minutes ticked by with no sign of Dean, you felt your eyes grow heavier and heavier.

You hadn’t even realized you’d fallen asleep until you were jolted awake by a loud bang and a blinding white light that forced you to close your eyes again. You breathed a sigh of relief upon opening them and realizing you were still in the woods and not back in your living room. You scrambled to your feet as the figure in front of you did the same, holding your knife out in front of you awkwardly. You stared wide-eyed at the tall, green eyes and dirty face of Dean Winchester. He seemed frozen with his gun pointed at you. You scrambled for something to say but came up short, feeling equally stuck with your knife out in front of you.

“Holy shit, you’re real,” you both muttered at the same time.

You heard the safety of Dean’s gun click as he slowly lowered it, tucking it into the waistband of his pants. He looked around, his shoulders just barely slumping as he realized you really were alone. He turned his attention back to you and raised an eyebrow. “Did you help me escape Purgatory just to shank me as soon as I got out?”

“What?” You felt some of the tension leave your body and realized you were still holding your knife out in front of you. “Oh, sorry.” You tucked it back into the sheath that was attached to your pants leg, noting for the first time the glowing blue light shining from Dean’s forearm.

He followed your eyes before making his way past you. “Wait here,” he mumbled, squeezing your shoulder as he went by. You felt a small thrill go through you at the contact before plopping back down next to your backpack. You watched as he disappeared through the foliage, knowing Benny was waiting for freedom. You sat and watched the sun come up through the trees and breathed a sigh. Even sitting in these woods with no home, no job, not even a guarantee that you’d be alive this time next month, felt better than the despair that had constantly engulfed you in your shitty apartment. You felt like you were finally where you were meant to be. Just being around Dean gave you more of a feeling of home than you’d ever had. You rested your head on your knees, hoping what came next was three days of sleep. You were mentally exhausted after everything that had happened.

A hand gently shook your shoulder and looked up to see Dean crouched next to you, his arm now bandaged. You hadn’t even heard him coming. “Thanks, kid,” he said, looking just as tired as you felt. “You got a motel room near here?”

“Yeah,” you replied, gathering your legs under you. Dean stood, offering his hand. Another small thrill ran through you as you took it and Dean seemed surprised as well. You stood and stared at each other for a minute, hands still clasped. Although he looked worse for wear, you knew he’d been through worse. His green eyes weren’t as intense as before and all the energy seemed to bleed out of him as he sighed, closing his eyes before giving your hand a final squeeze. Your trance broke and you let go, leading him through the woods to your motel room.

Once away from any prying eyes, you ordered food while he showered. Although you hadn’t done anything to warrant a shower, hot water sounded divine and felt even better. You emerged from the bathroom and sighed in contentment, laughing when you noticed Dean scarfing down a hamburger while trying to fit several fries in his mouth at once. “You’re gonna choke.”

“Ihf hambuwgew ih how Ah go, ih how Ah go,” he replied around a mouthful of food, several morsels of hamburger meat falling out of his mouth in the process. He made an “mm” of surprise, quickly picking them back off his shirt and plopping them back in his still-full mouth.

You shook your head and smiled as you sat down across from him. “Is mine still there—oh, wow, it is.”

“Ah diden loof all my manners in Puwgatowy.”

You gave him a look. “You didn’t have manners before Purgatory.”

“Ey! Littlew shit.”

You laughed and although Dean’s mouth was far too full of food to smile, his green eyes danced with mirth for what was likely the first time since Purgatory. You sat in companionable silence as you dug into your own burger, just enjoying the quiet. It was suddenly interrupted by a loud GULP from Dean and you burst out laughing. “I wish I was getting you on video right now.”

“I’m glad you’re not. Okay, but listen, I’ve got something serious to say—buuuuuuurrrrrppppp.”

You threw your head back and cackled, feeling tears start to leak from your eyes.

“Shut up, kid, I’m starving!”

“I can tell,” you laughed, meeting Dean’s eyes once again. Despite the sternness in his tone, he was smiling as well. You should’ve felt nervous—you had always had a bit of a crush on Dean, although you liked Sam well enough—but everything just felt easy with the older Winchester.

“But seriously,” Dean continued as both your smiles and laughter faded, “thank you. Benny got out and Cas…um…” He went quiet, his face going solemn and his hand squeezing into a fist on the table.

“I watch the show,” you replied just as quietly. “I know. You don’t have to say anything.”

Dean nodded his thanks and you gently covered his fist to squeeze his hand. He uncurled his fingers and linked them through yours to give another quick squeeze. To your surprise, he didn’t let go and if he didn’t want to, who were you to leave him hanging? You glanced up to find him staring at you, both of you quickly looking away. Your fingers were still entwined and only separated at a series of loud, sharp knocks on the door.

Dean’s face quickly morphed in the same anger you’d seen on the show many times during hunts. “You expecting anyone?” he asked lowly.

“No,” you replied. The two of you quietly got up in tandem and without even speaking, you drew your knife and hid behind the door as Dean pulled his gun from his waistband. The click of the safety sounded deafening in the silence as the knocking continued. You held your breath as Dean slowly unlocked the door before throwing it open with his gun pointed at the intruder.

“Y/N—” you recognized Sam’s angry voice which was suddenly cut short as he saw who stood in the doorway. From behind the door, you saw water suddenly splash onto Dean’s face. He blinked and pursed his lips before wiping the water away from his eyes.

“Hiya, Sammy,” he said, his face a mixture of relief, warmth and resentment. He stepped away from the door to let his brother in.

Sam stared at Dean in shock as he closed the door behind him. The sound of your knife going back into the sheath drew his attention to you, the look on his face making it impossible to tell if he was more annoyed you’d disobeyed orders or impressed that you’d brought Dean back by yourself.

You glanced between the two brothers for a moment before gesturing to the door. “I’ll give you two a minute.” You slipped out and made your way to the vending machine near your room. After scouring the snacks had bored you, you pulled out your phone to look through your meagre contact list. Mainly supervisors, coworkers and a few acquaintances who wouldn’t miss you. The feeling was mutual. You couldn’t deny the satisfaction that ran through you as you deleted everyone’s number but Sam’s. Hopefully, Dean’s would soon be added to the list. You perked up at the thought.

You looked up at the sound of footsteps. Sam Winchester slumped towards you, complete with hands in his pockets and a sheepish look on his face. “Hey, Y/N.”

“Hey, Sam,” you said, not bothering to keep the annoyance out of your tone.

“Look, um…” he scratched at the back of his neck. “I’m really sorry. I should’ve at least looked into it more.”

You sighed. “Well, he’s here now, so…guess that’s all that matters.”

“Yeah…” He sighed. “Dean said he’s gonna train you to be a hunter. You’re 100% sure this is what you want? Lee said he can still get you back home if you want.”

“I’m 110% sure, Sam. I’m not going back there. It was never home for me.”

Sam exhaled sharply once more, glancing over at the now busy street.

“You’re setting a world record for sighing,” you said. “Trust me. This is what I want. If I get myself killed, I’ll only haunt you a little bit, I promise.”

Sam chuckled before nodded. “All right, then. I have to go home to Amelia. I think she’s starting to suspect that something’s up. But Dean’s still in there,” he gestured to the hotel, “and I’ll be seeing you around.”

“What are you gonna tell her?”

“I don’t know. Hopefully I will know by the time I get back home—and thank you for saving my brother.”

You nodded. “Stay safe.”

“Yeah, you too. You still have my number if you need anything?”

“Yeah. I’ll text you, keep you updated on where I am.”

Sam smiled, pulling you into a quick hug. “Welcome to the life.”

You snorted. “Thanks.”

Sam gave you a half smile and waved as he trudged back to the Impala. Dean emerged from the room and made his way over to Sam, holding his hand out. Sam dropped Baby’s keys in his brother’s hand as what you assumed was an uber pulled into the parking lot, idling in front of Sam. Sam and Dean stared at each other for a moment before embracing one last time. Once Sam climbed in, the uber sped off and you made your way back over to Dean. He gently caressed Baby’s paint before turning to you.

“What now?” you asked.

He smirked. “Now, we hunt.”

Tag list: @totallyluciferr @dr7girl @pillowjj