#and we wonder why we as a society have imposter syndrome when we actually do get diagnosed or develop conditions because

[freakwiththeknifecollection]

The stigma around taking medication is weird as a person who takes medications cause you'll have someone who knows you take meds tell you why they don't want to take any and it's deeply rooted in ableism and also makes you wonder... do they think these things about me because I take medication?

It's just like when someone explains to you, a glasses wearer, why they don't want to wear glasses. It's always offensive and comes from their self-pride and vanity issues

[merwgue]

(This is neither a pro nor anti post. It's just me analysing what's written about cassians' personality and fears OBJECTIVELY and trying to understand why he acts a certain way. do with that what you will, if this reaches you amd you dont like it, cope.)

So, my dad and I had a very serious discussion about ACOSF, you know, the important things in life. And we got stuck on Cassian because, honestly, that guy is just…weird. You can’t just throw around terms like “weapons master” and “commander” and then act like a brooding teenager who's constantly seeking approval. And then I wondered—what did make Cassian turn out like this? Is there a support group somewhere for fae males who struggle with validation issues? I’m starting to think there should be.

Don’t get me wrong, I love sarcastically hating on Cassian—especially when I joke about hoping Elain’s prophecy comes true and makes things a little more interesting. But when I pause the snark for a second, I can’t help but think it’s kind of sad, really. Cassian’s situation is actually tragic if you break it down.

Cassian, in many ways, is a victim of his own insecurities and the society he’s grown up in. He’s constantly trying to fit in but never quite gets there. He’s always trying to please someone, especially Rhysand. There’s this deep-rooted need for validation—probably stemming from his childhood as a bastard in Illyria—where he was treated like an outsider. Psychologically, this is a textbook case of someone with low self-esteem. He’s never really believed he deserved to be in the position he’s in, and it shows in the way he talks about himself, constantly referring to himself as a “brute” or a “bastard-born warrior.” That’s classic negative self-talk right there, and if you don’t accept yourself, it’s impossible to truly accept others.

Cassian doesn’t just want to belong. He wants to be seen as more than the brute he calls himself. He’s constantly aware of this divide between who he thinks he is (a muscle-bound, lowborn warrior) and who he wants to be (someone Rhysand can rely on and the mate Nesta can respect). And this is where it gets interesting because this isn’t just insecurity. Cassian is caught in an identity crisis—he’s trapped in the psychology of cognitive dissonance.

Let’s break this down. Cognitive dissonance is when someone holds conflicting beliefs or attitudes, and it leads to mental discomfort. In Cassian’s case, it’s the belief that he’s just a brute, a soldier, a low-born bastard—juxtaposed against the role he’s trying to play: a respected commander in Rhysand’s court and Nesta’s equal. He knows he doesn’t quite fit into this polished world, but instead of working through these feelings of inadequacy and dealing with his imposter syndrome, he clings to this role while tearing himself apart internally.

And here’s the kicker: validation-seeking behavior runs deep with Cassian. Everything he does, from his attempts to train Illyrians to the way he handles himself in the Inner Circle, is driven by his need to prove his worth. And this need for external validation is so strong that it blinds him to the toxic dynamics he’s enabling. He can’t protect Nesta from Rhysand because he’s spent his entire life trying to earn Rhysand’s approval. So when push comes to shove, Cassian defaults to the behaviors that have kept him in the Inner Circle’s good graces—being Rhysand’s loyal brute, a yes-man who ignores the fact that the power dynamics around him are actually pretty messed up.

Now, we’ve got to address the elephant in the room. I get it—Cassian should absolutely be defending Nesta from Rhysand’s controlling behavior. And while I totally agree with that sentiment, let’s really think about why he doesn’t. The simple answer? He can’t. Why? Because Cassian has spent centuries bending over backward to gain Rhysand’s validation. Cassian’s sense of self-worth is so tangled up in Rhysand’s approval that he doesn’t want to jeopardize that hard-earned status by going against him. It’s the classic case of dependency theory—Cassian’s entire self-concept is tied to this external source of validation. If he loses that, what’s left?

This isn’t just about power dynamics; it’s also about Cassian’s own emotional immaturity and insecurity. Cassian desperately wants to be seen as worthy—worthy of being High Fae, worthy of being part of the Inner Circle, worthy of being Nesta’s mate. But deep down, he’s terrified that he’s not. This makes his character less of the confident warrior we’re supposed to root for and more of a man who is constantly trying to prove something, even to people who already care about him. He’s perpetually stuck in a cycle of self-doubt, seeking external validation instead of working on internal healing.

So even if we suspend disbelief for a moment and say that Nessian could work as a couple, it’s just not the right time. Nesta has her own emotional baggage, and Cassian has to get over his own issues of insecurity and unworthiness. Both of them need to heal individually before they can even think about being healthy partners for each other. Cassian needs to stop trying to please everyone—especially Rhysand—and start working on his own self-acceptance. Until he does that, any relationship he’s in, whether it’s with Nesta or anyone else, is going to be built on shaky ground.

In conclusion, while it’s fun to joke about Cassian’s flaws, when you dig deeper, you see that his issues run much deeper than just being a brute with muscles. His insecurities, his constant need for validation, and his inability to stand up for the people he loves are all signs that he’s not ready for a healthy relationship. If anything, Cassian’s story should have been less about romance and more about the journey to self-acceptance, which, let’s be real, is a long time coming for him. To love someone, you need to love yourself first.

[bisexualpositivity]

Hi! I'm submitting an ask mostly to... Maybe seek some validation for how I'm feeling and out of curiosity if anyone feels similarly.

So, I am a bisexual woman, that much I'm certain of. I've only ever had romantic relationships and been intimate with men, not due to lack of wanting to, more due to lack of queer femmes I was attracted to and that were also attracted to me. I'm in a long term relationship with a man - although he is very accepting and has said he doesn't mind if I want to sleep with other women (and not because he thinks it would be hot either, just because he doesn't want to stand in my way if I want to explore the "other side" of my sexuality) but I'm not really a casual hookup kind of person, so I have no plans of actually doing that. I'm mostly pretty confident in my identity even without having the experience. Anyways, all that is besides the point but maybe it's relevant. Idk.

If I had to define my identity more specifically, I guess I would describe myself as biromantic and demisexual, but it's a bit more complicated than that still.

Basically, I feel like I am demisexual only when it comes to my relationships with men. I am not/only very rarely sexually attracted to men when I have no romantic interest in them. It's very rare for me to see a man in the street that I am immediately sexually attracted to. I may have an aesthetic attraction to them, but it's not sexual at all, it's more like looking at a flower or a beautiful sunset. However, it's different with women. It's much more frequent for me to be immediately not just aesthetically but sexually attracted to a woman I see, even without any romantic interest. As for folks in between, I generally tend to be attracted to androgyny and femininity more than masculinity, on average.

Part of me wonders if it's because as a woman, I subconsciously feel more "intimidated" when it comes to being intimate with men, so I need a certain level of connection to feel safe enough to even consider getting to that point, whereas another woman feels more "safe" and less likely to hurt me?

And another part of me feels some sort of guilt about it, like I'm unfairly sexualizing women the way society likes to do to us. I don't approach the people I feel this way about, of course, I just wonder if there's a societal conditioning aspect to how I feel, like I've seen women be sexualized more throughout my life while men were the romantic interest, so is that why I inherently think of women as more sexual/physically attractive than men? Because that's how I've been taught to see women? I wanna think I don't objectify anyone, and it's not inherently objectifying to be physically attracted to someone, right? But what if this is me subconsciously doing that thing where some people don't value f/f relationships the same as m/f ones, and don't take it seriously, reduce it down to "it's hot" and that's all?

That's the point where some doubts creep into my identity, I guess. Since I have no romantic relationships with women under my belt, can I really know? (The old familiar questions we and other people constantly ask ourselves! Which I hate!!) I've had some crushes, but due to lack of any possibility of pursuing (most of my girl crushes were very much straight) they always ended up being kinda surface level. So... what if I only see women sexually, not romantically? Like if I were to try and date a woman, what if I realised that romantic part just wasn't there? And if that was the case, would that be wrong?

Basically, I know I'm bisexual, for sure, but sometimes I wonder if I'm somehow bi for the wrong REASONS if that makes any sense. It's like bi imposter syndrome or something.

Okay I'll wrap up this wall of text- sorry for using the ask box to have my little identity crisis lol

I'll try to respond to individual parts of what you've said here.

what if I only see women sexually, not romantically?

Are you familiar with the split attraction model? It's definitely not perfect, but what you're describing would definitely resonate with a lot of the people who use it. The SAM was originally created to better explain how someone can be asexual but not aromantic and vice versa. You may have heard terms like "biromantic asexual" and "aromantic pansexual" - those terms make use of the split attraction model.

(In fact, you yourself used "biromantic" and "demisexual" to describe the way you currently identify ^^)

if I were to try and date a woman, what if I realised that romantic part just wasn't there?

If that's a description that best fits your personal experience, I don't see a problem with it at all. While it's possible you might be suffering from internalized homophobia and/or your feelings might change someday to include romantic attraction to women, there's really no rush to figure out these things for sure.

Some gay men will meet a woman they're attracted to and no longer identify as gay, vice versa with lesbians. Plenty of gay people in that exact situation will choose to see those men/women as exceptions to the general rule of their lack of attraction to that gender. Neither of these groups are in the wrong.

Point being, you're the one who decides which labels fit you best, imposter syndrome be damned. Nobody else can make the decision for you, and that's one of the most beautiful things about being queer 💗

[delicrieux]

corpse husband... 👀 could I get a soft pastel aesthetic reader playing among us with the group and being absolutely terrible at it. maybe like she sees him kill someone and doesn’t say anything or report it and he follows her around to sorta protect her from the other imposter? at the end she asks why he didn’t kill her and he says it’d be too easy but ofc someone’s gonna make jokes and be like “no you’re just a simp” idk i think that’d be funny? you dont have to tho- no worries

⤹⋆⸙͎۪۫｡author’s note: we love pastels and corpse in this house. we love the “i’m helping cuz u cute” trope. we love the public simping. gotta stan this request

masterlist.⁀➷｡˚⸙͎۪۫⋆ ༄

There is a long list of things you’re terrible at, and Among Us is at the very top. But besides your lack of prowess at the game, it is perhaps luck you should curse, for what you have just witnessed will send you into the afterlife: Corpse’s little black astronaut murdering Rae in cold blood. You still by your keyboard; out of the corner of your eye, you see he chat going nuts. The stream just got ten times more interesting.

For a long few seconds neither of you move. You’re not exactly surprised Corpse is the Impostor, it’s just that you desperately did not want to get in his way - you’re bad enough at this game as it is, and trying outmaneuver the master at this game of chess? Impossible. 

Shrugging, you glance at your camera, “I ain’t see nothing.” Before, in-game, you promptly turn on your heel and glide to the other side of the map. Corpse follows. You start sweating, “Noooo, I swear I’m not gonna snitch, please spare me, sir. I swear on my” You idly tap your cat headphones with your hand, “-only prized possession. And my plushie collection.” He’s still trailing after you, even when you hop into Navigation. Turning to the chat, you ask, “Guys, how do I telepathically convey to Corpse that I’m not going turn him in? No one tell him, though, that’s cheating.”

“girl, start manifesting” one comment reads.

“Oh, manifesting, okay. Saw that on TikTok. I also heard it’s like a big thing in LA.” 

You’d imagine that if somehow you were actually transported to the cool chamber of a dying spaceship, cornered by a black figure with devil horns blocking your exit, you would probably start crying. But you’re safe in your little stream room, decorated in fairy-lights and soft colours and even softer blankets. That initial primal fear of having nowhere left to run lingers, though, and you gulp.

A meeting is called and you breathe out a heavy sigh of relief before unmuting your mic, the first to chime, “What happen--No! Rae! Who killed Rae, fess up now!”

“Well, maybe you killed Rae!” Sean exclaims, and even if you can’t see him, you instinctively know he’s pointing a finger at you. 

“It wasn’t (Name).” Corpse says smoothly, “We’re together.” He backtracks quickly, laughing anxiously, “Uh--In game, I mean.”

The conversation rages on, though you’re forgotten, which is a small reprieve. Corpse is quick to frame someone else and everyone agrees to vote. Momentarily you can’t believe you’re betraying your fellow crewmates and wonder why you’re doing it exactly. To make an entertaining stream? That’s definitely part of it. Charlie is flung into lava and you know it should’ve been Corpse but you’re having a bit too much fun to care.

“nooooo!!!! they corrupted her!!!! our sweet baby is on the villain arc!!! RIP”

You hope not mentioning what you had seen transpire minutes prior will dissuade him from killing you - he still could, but he’s just standing by the door, watching your movements. You decide you will only figure it out once your back is turned to him, whilst doing your tasks. Apprehensively, you get to it and--

Nothing happens.

Once you’re finished, you run circles around him. He joins in soon. The olive branch had been accepted. You grin. Rush out of Nav and he, once again, follows after you. 

The game continues like this, you doing tasks and he hoovering by your side like some little guardian devil. You almost forget that he’s the Impostor until he murders Sean right in front of you. You slap your hand over your mouth. Did Stockholm Syndrome kick in already? He self reports and his first words are, “(Name) and I found a body in Weapons.”

You aren’t sure how much your betrayal aided the Impostor victory, but you were the only survivor left between two serial-killers. Your chat spams celebration emoticons and fake-deep monologues about living in a society. While you were an unofficial Impostor, your audience single-handedly decides you were the best one.

It’s all laughter and apologies from your part to your slighted teammates, though even they have to admit it was a good game. Everyone agrees to play another round, but before it can start, you just have to know, “Hey, Corpse?”

“Yes, (Name)?”

“Why didn’t you kill me?”

“Oh,” He mutters, a small chuckle following after his words, “it would’ve been, uhh, too easy, I guess?”

“Lies.” Sean interrupts, “It’s because you’re a fucking SIMP!”

The discord call choruses “SIMP SIMP SIMP” in surprising harmony. You sit in your chair, giggling, smiling so brightly your cheeks start hurting.

“Guys, come on--” Corpse says, sounding like he’s smiling, like he’s got his face covered with his hands, like he’s embarrassed; he laughs - it’s a light, pretty sound, “I just wanted (Name) to have fun. And not be killed by Sykkuno.”

“Wait--” Sykkuno pipes up, “So you just...followed her around the map?”

“...Yeah.”

“Oh my God, you stupid simp!” Sean laughs, “(Name) was there when he killed me, I was so confused why she didn’t say anything because I figured she was the other Impostor, but turns out he just kidnapped her. Don’t worry, (Name), we don’t blame you for betraying the crew. You did what you had to do to survive.”

“It’s the her seeing Corpse kill me and pretending she’s blind for me.” Rae snickers.

“Wait a fucking minute,” Charlie says, “you mean to tell me, (Name), our little pastel princess fucking peach over there, saw Corpse slitting your throat and fucked right off, and then lied like a grade-a-politician during the meeting? Who killed Rae fess up my ass, you all are saying Corpse played us like a fucking fiddle but it was actually (Name) the whole time.” You hear a smile in his voice, and somehow feel a surge of pride, “(Name)--” He’s cut off by Sean trying to interject but quickly shushes him with a few choice words “Jesus fucking Christ, shut up, I’m trying to figure something out. (Name), did you or did you not use Corpse for protection?”

You’re giggling; you can’t control the sporadic giddiness mixed with light anxiousness, “I just...I just didn’t want to die!” You exclaim. More laughter.

“I rest my case, she’s a fucking wolf in sheep’s clothing, it’s always the nice one’s that stab you in the back for the fuck of it.”

“Guys,” Corpse says, “guys, guys, guys...Let’s play another round?”

“Yes”es are exchanged like trading cards. Before long, your screen lights up and you gape at the word IMPOSTOR written over you little astronaut standing right next to...Corpse.

You grin: if the last game was crazy, this one will be straight up insane.

.

hope you liked it! xx

.

[paranoid-throwaway]

kind of want to elucidate how i feel about the whole thing. i doubt anyone will ever care about this perspective on this extremely niche topic, but itll still be nice to have my thoughts written out somewhere. also just general journaling and writing practice, i really need to get better at conveying

its kind of crazy how sometimes i feel imposter syndrome regarding autism. i’m definitely high functioning, but the way this site is you’d think its the only type of autism to exist. I really am interested in the differences between how cis males experience having autism and the way ftm males experience autism. already, the preponderance of ‘autistic’ ftms is kind of odd. I do believe autism affects women, in fact one of the few brief episodes of autism solidarity in my life was my friendship with one at a educational program. Yeah, actually, in this post i really want to contrast what ive experienced as an autistic person and my interactions with other autistic people, vs tumblr autism. Its said that autism can affect gender identity, and it probably is true that autistic traits across both sexes are construed as masculine. I’ve really met two kinds of autistic people in my life. Theres autistic people who are still really un-selfware, lower functioning, and then theres people like me, who can function somewhat better and have managed to mostly supress sensory problems. It really is so hard to do, and the autistics ive met irl agree. In fact, for the most part we actually carry a lot of guilt over being autistic, self hatred for everything being so difficult when its not a problem for normal people at all. I still don’t really know how to feel about that. On the one hand, I do resonate with the concept that disabilites are a result of society, but i dont think thats an absolute principle. The ability to do unpleasant things, to take care of and clean oneself, to properly read social cues and norms will always be important for interacting with other people regardless of social structure or situation. Autistic people will probably always struggle with these things. Im certainly in the autism sucks camp, if i could get it cured or whatever i’d do it in a heartbeat. I do think being autistic has been important to forming my identity, but i am so fucking tired of being alone and friendless. Still, the guilt and self hatred i feel about my autism isn;t even the worse i’ve seen. The autistic girl I used to be friends with was also a devout christian, which we often argued about. Why on earth would god make autistic people? I’ll always remember being shocked when she told me the story of how in college she’d been raped, but even now she blames herself and being autistic. If she’d been more self aware, more alert to the guys ulterior motives, she feels like it wouldn’t have happened. I don’t agree, regardless of the society and situation rape shouldn’t happen and is never the victims fault. But it illustrates how negatively actuallyautistic(which is a stupid fucking tag) people feel about autism.

I do wonder what people in the other camp think autism speaks should actually do. I suppose just give free money to autistic people. That actually wouldn’t be half bad, but it should all go to people at assisted living programs or psych facilities. Its true that autism makes some of the demands of most jobs more difficult and thinks like attractiveness, personal grooming and social skills should absolutley not effect employment the way they do, but how the fuck do you legislate for that.

Another odd thing to me is the level of community that female autistics and ftm autistics seem to have. Autistic cis males are infamous for being friendless losers, and I am no exception. the closest thing to an autistic community is places like 4chan, which makes sense, as theres no social norms and no real connections to be made. I suposse its certainly possible that there are autistics who are incredibly good at masking, and have managed to ingrain certain habits in themselves 

another intersting contrast, though certainly a difficult one to discuss, is sexual inadequacy and so on. Everyone knows autistic guys dont really get pussy. I do wonder what is like for cis gay autistics. I do believe that gay people are generally more accepting and interested in more kinds of people and bodies than straights. Not really sure how much sexual dysfunction there is amongst ‘autistic’ ftms or women. virtually all of the ‘autistic’ ftms are gay, and typically date amongst themselves, which no doubt makes things easier. theres also a preponderance of asexual autistic ftms or enbies, many of whom are ‘high-functioning��� which is odd given that while asexuality has been connected to autism before, it’s mostly in severely autistic individuals who don’t care about social stuff at all. A lot of these asexual ‘autistic’ ftms seem just as obsessed with shipping dynamics as the allo ‘autistic’ ftms.

I wonder if theres something of a generational divide between zoomer autistics and older ones. older cis male autistics are way likelier to be bitter, extremist friendless losers, zoomer cis male autistics are much more likely to transition, which provides another, far stronger community.

At the end of the day, this all revolves around the fact that people who are ‘proud’ of their autism are innately suspicious to me. I realize there are people who reclaim their identity and move past the stigma, but surely there must be some lingering bitterness over how one was treated and how unfair it is. If your not bitter about it, it makes me wonder just how much ur ‘autism’ actually made you suffer, and If it didn’t or not very much at all, I just can’t see you as autistic. You don’t understand the pain that comes from actually struggling with it.

I also just really, really hate all of those jokes about how autism is sexy or cool. I realize some people say that sort of thing as a way to fight the stigma but it feels like it’s at the expense of actually recognizing the painful aspects of autism. Online friendships and communications are just as difficult and confusing as in person interactions are to me, yet a lot of autistics on tumblr seem to find an online community and integrate into it pretty effortlessly.

[dexi-green]

Okay so wrap up thoughts for ep. 4:

Where is Zemo? Do not let this man loose. Also bless marvel for releasing the longer cut of Zemo dancing earlier 🙏🏽

We love the Dora. However I wonder if the arm thing was a gag or if it’s going to come back. I could definitely see Buck having some questions and beginning to wonder whether they actually freed them or just put him under Wakanda’s control with a longer leash. He obviously has reason to be skeptical about people’s intention with him (see; how Zemo used him) I can definitely imagine them explaining that it was impossible to wipe out the WS controls but rather they just changed them and just never intended to use them, making him a sort of unintentional sleeper agent White Wolf for Wakanda. He is clearly very thankful and grateful to them, and is very close to the Dora, especially Ayo, so I could see that distrust being a good future character arc. But I stand by that with T’Challa in charge they would never seek to take advantage of Buck in that way. Also I was never a HUGE fan of Stan’s acting, I felt he got too hyped up for just brooding, like he was good but not Oscar worthy as some on here tried to say (you can just say you think he’s hot, you don’t have to lie about his acting to justify your adoration of him and watching his whole filmography, it’s okay I promise), but that scene at the beginning was actually amazing. I love the change between fear to relief and realization. Chef’s kiss.

As I mentioned several times, I love that this show is carefully exploring warring ideals, and actually saying them pretty plainly. It’s giving me what Civil War could’ve been. In Civil War there was just too many blatant misunderstandings and things that could’ve been cleared up if the Avenger’s didn’t share one (1) brain cell and it somehow ended up with Peter Parker who had homework to do. In this show, the ideals come from very understandable different perspectives, different lives lived. I know I want a conversation, but that alone won’t truly solve this like it would’ve in Civil War. It comes from very real criticism of our very real govt and society which I thinks helps cement this so much more in reality in a way that isn’t boring to watch like some other comic things that try to be gritty and realistic. The only part that has taken me out so far was the so very subtle cop scene in the second episode, which leads me into my next point

ISAIAH BRADLEY! Loop his story back in, let’s get some backstory and information and all that good stuff. Obviously Isaiah has made it pretty dang clear he wants nothing to do with any of this but obviously that’s not gonna happen, and it’ll be a tremendous waste of an absolute amazing and groundbreaking story to just bring Eli in at the end in some shoehorned way or something. Isaiah needs to be a part of whatever solution this story/season comes to. I’ve seen a theory floating around about either Isaiah being Wakandan (either like killmonger with one or both of his parents being from Wakanda, or more distantly) or perhaps Erskine’s secret ingredient for his serum was derived from the heart shaped herb (which would’ve made Cap White Panther 😬) which I think would be an interesting way to completely tie in Wakanda but perhaps a little unnecessary, specifically the first theory, we don’t need every future black person in the MCU to be secretly Wakandan. I just need his story to be more prominent then it has so far. It’s very important and not something that should just be a basically D grade side plot at this point.

I feel like we have shifted away from much focus on Sam. But I feel like the focus has pulled more on Zemo, Karli, Walker and Buck. Like Sam is doing what he needs but we aren’t getting as much insight into him as we did in the first episode. Which is why I think I liked his talk so much with Karli. We went back to his history of counseling and got to see how it uses it, how he calms down a situation, and his own insight into Karli’s ideals, he agrees but wants to go about it in a different way. We have constantly seen him offering help to others, but hasn’t really received much in return. I feel like now every time the shield comes up it’s just Bucky being all pissy that Sam gave it away which really turns me off his character. Sam already explained that maybe he made a mistake, but also Buck is so set in his way and his ideation of Steve that he can’t for a second consider Sam’s side. Like at this point it’s getting kind of annoying how Buck is being with Sam about it. I want more insight into Sam’s feelings about Steve, and Cap, and all that. Hopefully these last couple episodes with shift the focus back. At this point I feel I know more about Karli and John as people than I do Sam and that’s not great considering the title of the show. This was one of my earliest concerns for the series when it was announced, that it was going to focus too much on Bucky who has had his story almost front and center for almost all of the Cap films, they almost all in some part revolve around Bucky. Perhaps I need to rewatch and there has been some bits of Sam’s I haven’t appreciated enough, but it feels unbalanced, not in favor of him.

Sharon is being sketchy I fear. I do kind of like the idea that she is the power broker, but it’s hard to wrap my head around her threatening Karli like she has been. I mean she obviously has changed a lot, but if she is the power broker her motives have to be something different than what she is trying to lead people to believe. I think what’s more possible is her working for the power broker or perhaps working for/as the power broker as a cover for Fury or some other person/organization. She’s worked undercover for Fury before, she is obviously loyal to him, which might’ve changed since she talks to much about being abandoned by everyone, but I don’t know. It’s obvious something else is going on with her character, and while I love if she had just pivoted to this crime lord role, I just think of her speech at Peggy’s funeral and her loyalty to Cap and Fury in TWS. It’s possible she flipped on a dime like that because everything done to her and what she’s been through, and it may be too predictable for her to have the exact same storyline as TWS but who knows... that or she’s a skrull, always a possibility, can’t be too careful.

John Walker is clearly becoming the actual Anti-Cap. They are getting storybeats to line up. A ‘good’ soldier, turned propaganda tool, turned govt lap dog, serumed up, best friend dies, then what? Switched on by society? I love the moment with him and the flag smasher. It brought me back to when I was in the theater watching Civil War and I swore Steve was going to chop Tony’s head off with the shield. Steve just smashes the arc reactor of course, but John straight up murders this guy. And people are watching, the world is, people were recording. Definitely some purposeful similarities to our very real recording of police brutality irl. Which makes me think what will the govt response be? Will they spin it and try to get him out of this (which will feel really...weird? With the trial going on rn) or maybe will they abandon him completely and leave him high and dry? Hopefully we will see whoever the current MCU president is (prolly maybe Thaddeus Ross??) speak on it as well as the flag smashers and GRC. Walker is obviously not a good person at heart. I theorized before that he had already been given the serum, which clearly isn’t true so he has just taken it but there is something about his background that needs to be revealed. It has to be more than just “‘we did bad stuff while we were deployed” like... yeah it has a profound and damaging effect on people, but I feel like when he was talking to Hoskins it felt like they were remembering what went down slightly differently. I don’t know why, I’ll have to rewatch the scene. Either way, I think there is some stuff we still don’t know about Walker, something so terrible about him that made the serum change him like that. He was already clearly on edge, feeling insecure about people not giving him the respect he thought he deserved just from putting on the suit and carrying the shield, feeling that same imposter syndrome Sam did/does, and his pride was clearly DECIMATED by the Dora. He has this seeming obsession with super soldiers... he’s just giving weirdo vibes.

One thing I noted is that I think this series is taking apart Steve/Cap and spreading him out over several different people, and having them all pick at and dissect what makes/made Captain America the symbol he was, and what happens when you dig a little deeper. Karli seems to be the embodiment of the kindness/concern for others. She is fighting for the people, to protect them, as Cap was. But she is not holding back and is willing to put everything on the line, but where Cap was putting himself in the line of fire to protect people, Karli is putting others. Buck may be the classic idealism and Steve himself, I’m not 100 sure, but he seems to embody the kind of idea that people need something to put hope in, something to lean on, the idea of true good. He always brings up what the shield means and represents, doesn’t ever actually get specific though which is interesting. This may be because Bucky has a hard time separating Steve from Cap, since he saw the two grow up, when he talks about the shield and Cap he IS talking about Steve, there is no symbol or hidden meaning, just the Steve he knew. He conflates it all together. So I guess he represents whether or not the classic ideals can survive, the idea of hope, and Young Steve. Sam I think could be change. Where change is unwavering, like Cap’s fight for freedom never changed, but also where it is inevitable, in Steve and Cap’s place in a time that isn’t their own. How the idea of Captain America needs to be updated for modern times, or whether it should be thrown out altogether. I don’t know this is all ramblings. I though I had something but it’s almost 5am 😩

I believe we have 2 more episodes left so it’ll being interesting to see what they do with it. Fingers crossed 🤞

[obaewankenope]

Okay so, I have ADHD. I'm 18 and was diagnosed 2 months ago? Maybe one? I don't remember. Anyways, I'm constantly thinking about and bouncing between the "hey it's okay you can't do this, it's not your fault, you just need some extra help and you can do it!!!" and "you're so stupid, just try harder, if you cared enough you'd be able to do it. why are you asking for special treatment and being a burden?" lines of thinking.

And that, especially lately, has led me to hyperfixating on the fear that, hey, maybe even when I do start medication and have finally figured out how to manage this with my therapist... what if I still can't do it?

This is especially difficult when it comes to art. I'm an aspiring artist & illustrator, and the struggle to do something that I love so much is so incredibly frustrating.

And it makes me worry that, even when I am finally medicated and have what I need, and even now when I'm REALLY struggling... maybe the problem is me and not the clearly albeist system I'm forced to work in.

Maybe I don't love it enough. Maybe I'm not as passionate and dedicated and driven to succeed with my art as I think I am. And it is so unbelievably soul crushing to think that because, that's it for me, that's all I can think to do with my life. I don't really have anything else, which I know sounds dramatic but, yeah. And the idea that I might not care for it enough, or that simply caring for it isn't enough, is really messing with me.

Uh so I'm not really sure what I'm asking aside from, WHAT DO I DO? How do I manage this? How do you deal with the imposter syndrome? Help????

Okay so, there's a LOT to unpack here, bean, and we're gonna do it now at 2:39am because why the fuck not, right?

You're 18 which means your brain is still developing. That means you have to deal with the chaotic brain chemistry that comes with growing on top of the chaos of adhd. That sucks.

The whole swings and roundabouts thinking on your ability is, sadly, very common. Too common to be as normalised as it is tbh. The first thought process is the Good One. That's the one that is Accurate To You And Your Needs. The second thought process is the Society Mindset Of Judgement.

I call thoughts like that "brain weasels" - a concept my friend Lily mentioned one day in chat and I just instantly accepted it as reality.

All those bad thoughts, all those moments of "you're a failure" are given a Name in my mind. That is Brian. Brain Weasel Brian. My mother calls them Brain Weasel Paddy.

I heartily advocate that sort of thing. Adopting this method of Attributing A Name to the thoughts that Don't Help You, is a good method of teaching your brain to separate the bad thoughts and the good ones that help.

Sometimes it doesn't work. In my depressive episodes, it doesn't work great if at all. But that happens. Sometimes nothing helps then. Sometimes existing is about as much as I can manage. It's Sucky but it's not permanent.

Rarely, is anything truly permanent. We just tend to think they are.

Next, hyper fixating on fear.

Again, pretty damned normal if also very sucky. Our brains, no matter whether we're neurodiverse or not, are Very Good at remembering the bad and giving up lots of Risk Lists to consider. This mechanism helps us as a species in the wild, of course, but in the world we live in now... well, it's not the best mechanism out there.

We can't stop it, though. It's part of our evolution as humans. We can figure out tricks to help manage it. See, the biggest problem we have with fear and anxiety is we try to push it down and away or we obsess over it. Those are the worst options.

Anxiety and fear have to be imagined to be like smoke. Its there in the air. Its part of it when a fire happens and we need fires for warmth. So anxiety and fear is natural. It's healthy to have both but not so much that we can't function. The mechanism is messing up if we can't function.

Anyway.

Have you ever tried to capture smoke in your hands? It's not possible. You can't cup your hands like you would with water, can't grip it like you would a solid. No. Because smoke is a gas and it moves and shifts and fills up any space it can.

Anxiety and fear are like smoke. They're part of everything and exists because of Reasons and they can be a good thing but can also be a bad thing too.

It can also become too familiar for us sometimes. Like a smoker who lights up and savours the smell of a burning cigarette.

We cling to what we know even if what we know is bad for us. It's human nature. But just because we cling to what we know doesn't mean we can't be brave and let it go. That's human nature too.

We're a species of messy contradictions, after all.

Medication helps the brain chemistry and assists that fear and anxiety mechanism. It's not a cure, contrary to belief, but it will help. Therapy helps you work through things and medication helps settle your brain which will help you further.

Does that mean it's going to fix you? No, because you're not broken. You're different but not broken.

With your art and illustration and your desire to become an illustrator, I can wholly understand the frustration you feel.

But I wonder, does that frustration stem from fear of failure or from feeling so many emotions and not being able to figure out their source?

If its the former, then that's understandable. We all fear failure. But sometimes, it's not failure we actually fear. What we really fear is success. Because we don't know what to do if we succeed. That's a long term thing.

Failure can be immediate and short term. It's something we can think about in the immediate future because our brains are able to follow the tangent of time enough for that.

But success. Success means long term considerations. It means thinking about what comes after. It means considering potential promotions, opportunities, work pieces, connections and so on. It means thinking of those things beyond the short term where our brain's are most comfortable.

ADHD brains are not really built for long term planning. We're good planners for short term things. Good problem solvers. But rarely is it a long term sort of solution we come up with.

Not because we can't, but because we get so mirred in the details, in the What Ifs and the Possibilities that we lose our focus on the Whole Picture. We lose the tangent.

I don't necessarily think you're not passionate enough. Hardly anyone who draws lacks passion. They may lack technique, but passion... That's something any artist needs in my opinion. Even just a spark.

But being able to use that passion, to convey it, now that's the challenge. That's Hard.

Sometimes it's next to impossible.

The thing is, ADHD and Autism make you feel things Deeply and Chaotically. This makes you struggle to process those feelings.

Being a young adult with Expectations and Responsibilities on top of sucky brain growth chemistry just makes that struggle worse.

You may not be able to channel your passion into your art currently, but that doesn't mean you don't have it.

Think of your passion like a tube that's got a blockage in it. The pressure inside is immense but you've got nothing on hand to remove the blockage. It'll take time to develop the tools, to find them, to help. Or. It might have to remove itself.

This doesn't make you lacking in passion. It just makes you temporarily injured in the passion department. We don't blame someone for a sprained ankle resting. Don't blame yourself for taking time off because of this.

Imposter syndrome is... Hard. So, so hard.

I don't have an answer for you about how to handle it. I do a pretty poor job of it myself. I fake confidence, am awful at accepting praise, and constantly feel inadequate. I just hide it really well.

But that's emotion. That's fear and doubt and anxiety. That's societal expectations stoking the emotional disturbance of imposter syndrome.

Logic tells me different.

But logic is hard to believe. Especially when the emotions are very Loud and Distracting.

Sometimes you have to call those doubts and fears for what they are: Brain Weasels.

Sometimes you have to think of it all like it's smoke.

Sometimes you have to sit down and meditate, crossing a mental bridge between reason and emotion to deliver a message to both sides.

We are individuals who pick out pebbles from the river and admire them. Sometimes we keep them. Sometimes we put them back. Most times, we move on. Those pebbles are difficulties, challenges, doubts.

ADHD tends to try and keep the pebbles. Imposter syndrome uses them as building blocks.

Sometimes you have to dig out the foundations and toss those pebbles back before you can start to work on fixing up the rest.

This has become very rambly now, I'm sorry. Its 3:24am and I need to sleep. I do hope this helps in some way, though. If not for you, then for others.

[ughgclden]

bee, love, don’t apologise, please, it’s okay, and first and foremost, are you alright?? i hope you’re taking care of yourself, love, but i understand, i don’t think there’s been a year since third grade that i haven’t gotten pneumonia in the winter. I hope you’re feeling alright!!

honestly, dead poets society is one of my only personality traits anymore, i find myself drawing parallels to it constantly, for no reason but i love thinking about it. i’ve watched it so many times at this point, it’s,,, concerning. those tests always take me way less time than they give me, and i used to feel really awkward, i remember i took a bio one once, four hours they gave me, 45 minutes in, i was finished, and the moderator didn’t believe me. i aced it too, like the silly little neil kinnie i am. i’ve gotten used to the ‘worse’ side of being a neil kinnie, and honestly, now that my mum isn’t as controlling about everything as she used to be, it’s easier to deal with. i remember once, i’d gotten an 89 in algebra, and she threatened to pull me out of the fall show. that was a neil perry moment if i ever had one lol. the biggest thing these days is just imposter syndrome, imposter syndrome like oh you’re not hispanic enough, but also, you’re not queer enough, nonbinary enough, things like that. It’s exacerbated some days, but i try.

i watched the it movies on my cousin’s hbo,,, i may or may not have used it without her permission since she forgot to log out of my computer, but that’s neither here nor there. i remember having such a hard time taking the first one seriously initially, because of all the new kids on the block jokes, having a mum who was obsessed with them made it hard, especially when i actually got them all- in truth, the only midnight premiere i’ve been able to make was the force awakens, and i had school the next day too. i’m definitely a richie kinnie, and i have the internalised homophobia (only towards myself though) to prove it /hj my waterbottle has both a sticker of neil on it and a sticker of the r + e carving on it. in case there was any doubt about me lmao. stan kin makes sense for you, honestly, i can see it, i can see it.

okay so listen- no really, i’d bought them with the intention of only drinking half of one that night and spreading them out like that, but then came 9:45pm, and i had a research paper (on womens’ pockets/lack thereof) due at 10am that i simply hadn’t even started, so i downed them all in an hour and got the paper turned in at 5:56 in the morning. but i scare you huh? /hj bee, you’re too sweet, in truth, i’m fairly inelegant, but i try, as for the comforting and cosy, i’ll take you at your word, since that is something only someone interacting with me could discern. i do try to be kind to others for the most part. mainly i think because i’m usually on the other end of mean people.

i’m just perceptive like that bee, i dunno what to tell you, something just tells me, you know? /j and thank you, i always feel a little silly talking about it, because most of the tattoos i want are dead poets society tattoos, i guess some part of me, within the part of me that feels so incredibly tied to it, feels as if if i were able to get a tattoo i’d owe it to the movie in some way, if that makes any sense. i’ve already begged a friend of mine to go with me to get my first once i get to new york, the question though, is what to get first. i’ve got time to make a decision (for once in my life) i just spend a lot of time thinking about it.

honestly, i have never known a school rule to make sense. banning ripped jeans? banning dyed hair? it’s almost as if if they don’t stifle everything natural about kids expressing themselves they dont feel like they’re doing anything. but i digress. the same-sex couple rules were. awful. 12 year old me had enough going on without having an administrator yell at my friend and i for hugging in the courtyard and not leaving until we were a foot apart, but hey.

okay, jumping over a fence to go to a mcdonalds? how coming of age indie movie manic pixie dream girl of you /hj

200k words, is that a challenge? also ahaha not at all like my italian uncle up there just opened a ‘pizzeria’ /hj but mob!star au? might be a project i should start… granted, i’m not as good a storyteller as you, but i can try.

when i was little, i wanted to revolutionise things, i guess. i even actually wrote out a campaign, i wonder if its still somewhere. thank you for believing in me, but these days, bee, i’m thinking less about changing the world, and more about making it the next few weeks, and then the ones after that. little star was aware of so much, but also so little. i wonder what they’d think of me now, honestly.

i did, in fact, teach archery, it was so fun but my arms got SO SORE, and the kid who challenged my archery skills seemed surprised when i actually,, hit the bullseyes. my inner susan was happy then. incidentally the experience is also why i made a playlist called “touchstarved and wanting to teach you to shoot a bow” which low-key slaps when i’m lonely. and bee omg i cannot believe you said im better than susan pevensie i will be thinking about this for the rest of my life thank you- and yes, yes it was named aslan, however did you guess? /j prince caspian<33333

i’ll let you know my results from the tournament, as soon as they come out, and i say this having just put on pjs after taking off my suit, and sitting in the room with my cat in my dear evan hansen hoodie, frantically refreshing the results page because i’m anxious and impatient.

i hope you have a good night, with fitful and restful sleep, i’m sorry this got to be so long, but you know me, i certainly can talk. i’m honestly shocked i even made it to finals, considering i was running off four hours of sleep, having gone to bed at three last night. whoops.

all my love, hugs, and a warm mug of tea,

yours,

star✨

p.s i said yes so that?? happened?? it honestly feels surreal but we’re not gonna be in the same place anymore come the end of this year, so that’ll be something to deal with

P.p.s might just start adding spanish or latin or russian phrases to these if i keep having to translate your cute french bee /lh /hj

star my love, i know you said don't apologise, but i think the word 'sorry' makes up about 60% of my vocabulary. i'm okay!! was just a bit icky, but luckily i've recovered now!!

that's so nice - and again, makes so much sense for you. i think you would work perfectly in welton, i know it. i love bringing the messages from that film into my own life, as silly as it may sound. i'm astonished, and so fucking jealous of you. i used to finish tests maybe half an hour early, but hours is so impressive??? fun fact i did finish my physics final in about 45 minutes and slept for the other hour <3 neil would b proud my love!!! oh my god - i'm so sorry that happened??? but that is also so neil kinnie??? it seems futile me saying this, but i assure you that you are hispanic enough, and queer enough, and non-binary enough. you are enough, period. more than enough even. imposter syndrome is the worst, and i'm so so sorry you're dealing with it.

she did that to herself, you just saw an opportunity /lh a midnight premiere of the force awakens sounds so cute though omg - i hope you had the absolute best time. the r + e carving actually broke me. as a die hard reddie shipper since 2017, seeing the movie make it basically canon?! had me a mess in the cinema.

you are ridiculously comforting and cosy, everything about you feels like a warm hug from a familiar face and i love it. and the way you write is so smooth, it makes me think of a quill smoothly gliding across parchment, the deep black ink unsmudged and pristine. that seems a little pretentious of me, but oh well.

i also want some dps tattoos!! i desperately want "and still we sleep" from todd's poem, and was also so so tempted to get an outline drawing of meeks + pitts dancing on the roof. i love that, and i can't wait until the day you get it, whichever one it may be. my one concern is becoming addicted to them and making my bank account suffer - at least my piercing obsession is a little easier to fund /hj

i've NEVER gotten that - they claim it's 'distracting' but how on earth would it be?? when i got to college, no one was distracted by my dyed hair, and i certainly wasn't distracted by other people's outfits or painted nails. you were yelled at. for hugging. a friend.. what the fuck is wrong with these people??

just call me ramona flowers star /j it was possibly the highlight of my school career, sans hiding in the back room of the music room to avoid a maths test

i bet you're an amazing storyteller, if these letters are anything to go by. it would be a new york times best seller, i know it

we all have to take things one step at a time, i think. that's the only way i really get through things if i'm honest. one day after another and the cycle repeats. i love wondering what young me would think of me now - i'd probably be intimidated of myself, but i like to think i'd be proud that i'm still here, pursuing something i love

that playlist. sounds nothing short of sheer perfection. i too am touch starved and want to teach someone to shoot a bow - even though i.. cannot shoot a bow... but i can wield a sword so, it's close enough.

i saw your message about the tournament results - im so fucking proud of you!!!! you deserve it so so much and i couldn't be happier for you. see, your words and ideas are changing the world, even if you don't realise it.

ps; that is so fun???? omg im so happy for you star, you deserve tis <33 i hope towards the end of this year whatever happens leaves you both happy, no matter how far the distance.

pps; omg no.. please don't do that.. aha that would be awful... definitely wouldn't make my heart race.. haha not at all

all of my love, star. pardon the pun, but you are out of this world ;) i'll leave you with one of my favourite quotes;

il n'y a qu'un bonheur dans la vie, c'est d'aimer et d'être aimé <3

[thebyunhip]

Start Up | episodes 1 ~ 12

I feel like right now is a good moment to talk about the show, with the time jump and stuff. I’ll talk about the characters and then the plot, as I usually do. This is going to be a very long post, I never had so much to say about a drama before, so I’ll add a cut and it’s entirely up to you if you want to read my rant.

Han Ji Pyeong: look, he is not my favorite guy but I also don’t hate him and here’s why: 1) I don’t care how good he is at his job, I don’t care how rich he is, I don’t care how rough he had it in life, nothing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING gives him the right to be a dick to others. I understand that he is scared, had no one care for him and had no one to care for but he is still a human who lives in society. Being polite (and that’s really the only thing I’m discussing here), is not the same being someone that lets people step on him. And we’re all vert aware of the fact that he can tel people the truth, as harsh as it may be, without bein a complete fucking bastard 2) I fucking hate the tropes “he got there first” and “here’s a troubled man, fix him girl”. Like, just no. Teenager me would love that shit and eat it up like a fucking starved bitch, but not right now. I also think he is incredibly selfish and self-absorbed however both of these I can overlook, this is the kind of thing that be blamed on his upbringing (or lack of it).

Seo Dal Mi: the writers really said “let’s take this girl’s sister and mom away, make her sister say very stupid and hurtful things to her, now kill off her dad, she’ll get into a good college but will drop out because she has bills to pay”. I like that she is, after all that shit, bright and is willing to fight for things, not let her dad’s memory die. The world is telling her “bitch stay down” and she is legit yelling back “no motherfucker, I will not” and that’s great. The one thing I don’t like about her is that she is way too forgiving, I mean she found out that she was lied to by grandma, her mentor and her boyfriend of sorts and she just tossed that aside like it was nothing. Some of it I can understand, they work together so she would have to, you know, keep somethings inside. It all went away too fast, she forgave all three of them very quickly.

Nam Do San: at this point, if you’ve seen any of my previous posts, you’ll know that that he is my favorite and I’ll use this bit here to tell you why. I’ll put aside the cuteness, okay? Out of all the characters in this drama Do San was the one with the most personal growth. In the beginning you had a guy who couldn’t speak properly to strangers, let alone look at people eyes, when people put him down (yes, I’m fucking looking at Ji Pyeong and his dad) he kept his head down. And slowly, throughout these 12 episodes we see him mature (because yes, he was very immature), he can now answer, he can look at people in the eyes, hell he even can start fights. Like dude, he stood up to his father twice. He is not perfect and I’m  no trying to paint him as if he were. He still has problem to deal with but he is open to do improve. This was not said anywhere in the show and it’s only a personal thought of mine, Do San suffers of the imposter syndrome and Asperger Syndrome, and that would explain some of his behaviors.

Won In Jae: now let’s talk about an underused character. She is here simply to be a shitty sister and drag Dal Mi down so we all can watch our beautiful protagonist rise again from the ashes. When you look at her, she just has that resting bitch face so she makes it easy to dislike her  (but please can we please stop type casting Han Na as a bitch or someone can please tell me a show/movie she did where she is not one?).

Grandma: finally the real “villain” of the whole story. I get what she was trying to do, okay? Dal Mi’s life was spiraling out of control, shit hit the sky and she need some comfort and surely the letters were the best way to do that and it’s fine. But you all are willing to tell me that in those 15 years she didn’t have a single chance to say “hey kid, listen, there was never a Do San. I asked some boy to write you letters but he is gone now and so are the letters” or idk “The boy who wrote you letters was Ji Pyeong, a kid I used to help, he didn’t want to use his own name so we chose one from the news”. I’ve changed my mind, this not HJP fault. Its grandma’s.

Now, let’s talk about this drama’s biggest and most unforgiving mistake: the first episode. They spent way too much time on the letters and Ji Pyeong, making a lot of built up and then they didn’t showed the main guy at all. We got to see Do San in the last what, 5 seconds of the episode? I can get the confusion people are having as to who is the main and second lead here, for a second even I was confused. I only knew teenager Ji Pyeong wasn’t the main guy because before watching the show I read that Joo Hyuk’s character name was Do San. The first episode was a bad call. I mean it has 1 hour and 24 of running time and they could only spare 5 SECONDS TO THE MAIN GUY? No wonder there is a shit show towards Do San.

The entire revenge plot was poorly used but I’ll admit that I like the whole “my biggest revenge is to prove HJP wrong”. We’ve seen the destroy company, kill a guy ploy way too many times.But the entire thing was just tossed in there, there was maybe one clue but it lead to believe that Yeong San would steal the code, not seek revenge.

I know that some people were bummed out that there the show doesn’t focus a lot on how to build a startup but this is mostly a romance drama, so they wouldn’t include a lot of how to here.

Also, I know that people don’t think Do San has real problems because you know he has both parents and Ji Pyeong is an orphan, but like please… just listen. Being someone that has to live up to parent’s approval and expectations, especially to academic and business success, is not a problem that we westerns face so constantly in our lives. I know it happens, I’m not living under a rock, but we can’t even begin to compare to how it is for them and us. Suicide rates are high in Asian countries amongst younger people who fail to reach standards set by their parents and the society. Both Do San and Ji Pyeon have problem, of course, but they are very different and incomparable.  

As for the next four episodes… I think we will see a very changed Do San, more serious, a lit bit more calloused from the three years in the US (the black gave it out). I feel like Dal Mi might have changed a bit but I can’t point how. Ji Pyeong had on line in the preview and it was enough to not give me any hopes about him.

I’ll just say this here because I feel like I have to: Han Ji Pyeong is not such a great a second lead, full of layers, that could actually make people question why he isn’t the main guy. The only character ever that has that right is Baek In Ho, and would you look at that he is also a character that went through shit but is not an asshole just because he can.

[solena2]

Hey y’all so I watched a YouTube video that I think was wrong, and as you know it’s illegal to be wrong on the internet, so I wrote a response!

Video is here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8LF_KkrCJs

Spoilers for BNHA, in both the video and my response (which I wanted to put in the comments on the video, but apparently YouTube gets pissy about copypasting? Anyway)

Also, probably watch the video before reading this, since a lot of this is a direct response to the points they brought up.

—

I’d like to preface this by saying that you’ve made some valid comments, and that I understand where you’re coming from here.

My Hero Academia is, overall, a story about amazing people with amazing powers doing amazing things, and it’s difficult to see where someone with no power at all might fit in to this, which is the main emotional conflict Izuku faces throughout his childhood, that fundamental dichotomy between his wanting to save people, and his (assumed) inability to do so without a quirk.

But My Hero Academia is also a story that likes to repeatedly assert that anyone can be a hero. From Aizawa with his non-physical quirk, who primarily uses support gear to defeat enemies many times stronger than him, to Shinsou, whose quirk is seen as villainous, who would likely have to fight against other heroes as often as he would villains thanks to the prejudice that’s positively dripping from BNHA’s world.

So I’d like to explain why I disagree.

First, you begin the video by talking about the people who claim that Izuku’s getting a quirk ruins the story. I would like to make it clear, right off the bat, that I don’t hold this view. I believe that while Izuku having a quirk weakens the impact of the story and cheapens a lot of its messages, there is still undoubtedly a story there to be told, and one that is worth telling.

The reason I believe that Izuku receiving One For All weakens the story is because BNHA is all about the consequences of the kind of society wide prejudice that exists within its world. Every villain the characters face and every problem they overcome is one spawned by the very status quo they’ve spent their childhoods dreaming of upholding- the hero system.

Stain exists because heroes are held in awe by the general population without truly being worthy of it, treated as saviors despite being little more than glorified cops, which spawns anger and resentment from people intelligent enough to see past their facades.

Dabi exists because pro heroes are allowed to get away with just about anything so long as they’re covert about it, and in fact might have grown up to be a hero himself if Endeavor had been held to a higher moral standard by those around him, or had been appropriately punished for his behavior.

All For One exists because “strong” quirks are revered, and those who hold them are taught early to take what they want by force.

Shigaraki exists because those with “unpleasant” quirks are reviled and held in disgust by the general population, which makes them vulnerable to exploitation by outside forces due to their lacking support systems.

I could go on, but I’m sure you get the point.

In my opinion, BNHA has always been centered around the society quirks have created and the consequences therein. I dare you to find a major character arc that doesn’t intersect with the universe’s social issues in some way.

Thus, I believe the message that BNHA attempts to convey would be significantly stronger I’d Izuku had remained quirkless, demonstrating once and for all that quirks and heroism aren’t so intertwined as it might seem.

Instead, it shoots itself in the foot, saying repeatedly that it’s not a quirk that makes a hero, but rather their spirit, while at the same time leaving it implied that the most important character of all would never have been able to help people if not for being given All Might’s power. (Again, it doesn’t ruin the story, but it does hamstring the core message somewhat.)

You say here that Izuku getting saved by All Might is the only reason he became a hero at all, being “saved from his fate of irrelevance”.

This is… Not something I agree with, to state it politely.

Izuku was planning to attend UA’s entrance exam long before he met All Might. Given that he is, you know, Izuku, I don’t think any amount of shittiness from Katsuki would have deterred him from trying. In fact, trying despite the odds against him making it seem idiotic to do so is one the largest parts of his character.

The way you speak of needing to give him a “resilient streak” for him to keep trying despite All Might’s discouragement implies that he doesn’t already have one wide enough to suffer through 14 years of being told he’d never make it as a hero. With how much he’s already pushed through by the time the story even starts, I really doubt All Might would succeed again breaking his will any more than anyone else has.

You say that Izuku’s arc is all about facing the guilt of having reached his goals purely through chance while so many others remain downtrodden.

That’s valid, and I agree.

You also say that this is not a character arc he could have had without One For All, which is not.

Merely being the first quirkless person to make it into UA would likely start this, as he would definitely still have to get through the exam on rescue points, which could feel unearned to him, what with his massive case of imposter syndrome.

Thus, it would still be entirely possible to give him the same overall character arc he has in canon, and it might in fact end up even more pronounced, due to all the discrimination he’d face from the general public.

You say that for this Izuku to continue, even despite All Might’s rejection, he would already have to have the sense of self worth such a character arc eventually gives him.

This is not the case. There are many instances in real life of people pushing past impossible odds and still not feeling as if they deserve to have made it to the other side. In fact, what would likely happen is that he’d try to be a hero anyway and then feel guilty for attempting it even after being discouraged by his hero.

So no, he’s not Naruto, because the personality changes you propose wouldn’t actually be necessary to give him a fighting chance as a hero without a quirk.

The next big point you make is that it would be difficult to give Izuku the standard shounen power crawl without a cool quirk.

You’re correct that technology would have a difficult time stacking up to One For All without feeling like an asspull, making him a Mary Sue, or needing to give him a seemingly infinite array of gadgets, a la Batman.

Notice I said difficult, NOT impossible. While it can be much harder to turn technology into a realistic way to fight superpowered villains, it CAN be done.

Not to mention, there is already a character in BNHA who does it and does it well.

Aizawa doesn’t have a combat oriented quirk, instead fighting almost exclusively with the use of his capture scarf, using which he is shown to be able to take out upwards of ten villains, depending on where you want to pull from. I really don’t think it would be so unrealistic to give a quirkless Izuku something along these lines.

Not that we even need to. We can have Izuku beating villains without the use of any technology he couldn’t buy for himself. (At least in a place with lax safety laws, which I imagine his world likely is due to how pointless it would be to heavily restrict the purchase of things like guns when there are people running around who can shoot glaciers from their hands)

Ninety percent of villains are as vulnerable to getting shot as a normal human. If that’s too violent and bloody for the tone of the show, there are dozens of ways to beat the villains with things like hairspray flamethrowers, slingshots, and traditional weapons (just look at Stain). While quirks certainly are powerful, they aren’t perfect and every ability has a counter, even if it’s not always immediately obvious.

This eliminates the problem of him needing to get his tech from somewhere entirely. (Which is almost a con, because Mei needs more screentime, man)

Actually your point of possibly making Izuku a “super genius” reminds me of something else. Izuku has an almost supernatural ability to identify and counter quirks. Gee, I wonder how that could be useful in a possible plot line where he’s unable to rely on being able to smash his way through problems…

You say that if Izuku getting a quirk is an issue for BNHA, giving him overpowered tech would be a problem as well. Though I already solved this problem by proposing less tech heavy solutions, I’ve decided not to skip over this point because it seems like the right place for me to bring up a piece of context you may be missing for why some people are so against Izuku being given a quirk.

Let’s talk about the disability angle.

Now, as someone with mental disabilities myself, I’m not exactly unbiased here. I’m not going to deny that I have a knee jerk reaction to any story that gives a character a disability (or something analogous within the setting to a disability, like quirklessness) and then “cures” it while implying that they never would have gotten anywhere if their disability had persisted. This is actually why I took so long to get into the BNHA fandom, since I saw a loose outline of the plot and immediately went “oh hell no”.

I did end up joining the fandom in the end, simply because I’m almost certain that this parallel was unintentional.

Anyway, the reason why giving him an overpowered quirk and giving him overpowered tech are so different from a lot of people’s perspectives is that giving him tech doesn’t erase his “disability”. If you give a quirkless Izuku powerful tech, he’ll still be quirkless, with all the hurdles and challenges that implies. (Especially the discrimination related ones) Meanwhile, giving Izuku a quirk removes the disability entirely, as well as most associated difficulties.

I’m sure you can see why one seems so ableist, from a disabled perspective.

You say that you would likely run out of ways to meaningfully progress his tech, in a series as long as BNHA likely will be by its conclusion, but I’d like to point out that this is just as much of a problem with superpowered media. It’s very common in shounen for power progression to feel like more and more of an asspull as the story progresses. Thus, you solve the problem in the same way, by relying more on clever use of what the hero already possesses than you do on creating a new application or ability in every fight.

And no, I can think of several ways to beat both Dabi and Shigaraki without “science magic”. Obviously, neither of them are immune to bullets, though again, that’s probably a bit too quick for this show. You could take down Shigaraki if you could numb his hands somehow, or if you protected yourself with something made of many interlocking parts, like chain mail. You could beat Dabi if you used something like a taser, if you could get close enough to use it. You could also just find a way to outlast him, since he’s not immune to his own fire. Maybe bring some gasoline?

I’m going to skip over the points you make while talking about setting, since I don’t believe you’d have to alter the setting to make a quirkless Izuku feasible.

I will talk acknowledge one point you make while discussing setting simply so I can say: inequality and societal imbalance do not require much, or even any, actual disparity in ability to both exist and be prevalent enough to disenfranchise huge chunks of a population. Just look at how autistic and ADHD people are treated for that. (Or gay people, or women, or the Poors(™)...)

In conclusion, your opinion is valid but I think you lack knowledge of where most of this criticism is actually coming from, which isn’t something you should be ashamed of.

I think the reason mine and your opinions are so fundamentally different here is that we’re coming from very different places, and our thoughts on a piece of media like this are always going to be shaped by our environment.

Thank you for reading.

[amberlarks]

“Half”, 2019-2021, oil on canvas, 48”x 60”. It’s about growing up half Asian in America. Art is about wearing your heart on your sleeve and I have a lot to share about this one. It would really mean a lot to me if you read the story behind it. I reflect on the current events of the past week and past year. It feels very vulnerable sharing all of this, but I also know how important it is to share. This is one of the most important and personal paintings I’ve made in my life and I’m so happy I finally finished it. Thank you for your support, your inspiration, and for listening❤️

Growing Up Half Asian in America: A Reflection on Identity and Racism

By Amber Larks

I finally found my words. Day 1 I had no words, only grief. Day 2 I was furious with rage. And now I feel a sense of healing. Grieving together and supporting each other even just virtually has been so healing. And it inspired me to finish a painting I started sketches for in 2019. I’m not sure what strange force or feeling came over me to put it down and not pick it up until now, but I think it was meant to be.

These two years have been huge for talks about race and I’ve learned so much. I think my painting was finally ready to be completed because of how much I’ve experienced and learned and because of that, found my voice and identity in this movement.

This painting was art therapy for me and I know a lot of people will connect with it. I had been struggling for so long on my thoughts on current events because I am half. Half Chinese and half white. Somehow, I always feel my thoughts or feelings aren’t valid because “I don’t know what it’s really like to be Asian”. I have always struggled with imposter syndrome because I’m half. I constantly straddle two worlds. But being Chinese is who I am, it’s half of me. I was gaslighting myself wondering if my grief was valid. Thoughts like: “You’re not really Asian so stop playing the victim here”, “People will think you’re just a white girl trying to look woke” and “You should be sad, yes, but grieving like you knew them? That doesn’t make sense”. How fucked up is that?

But this is what being half is like. You feel like an imposter even though it is 100% genuinely part of your identity. And I honestly think this is where a lot of my social anxiety comes from because I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere. But being half is also a beautiful blessing where I’ve cultivated a deep understanding and practice of empathy.

Being half, you experience direct racism but more often racism in the form of people being racist in front of you not knowing they are in front of an Asian person. My first memory of racism is being in second grade and two white boys in my class pulling their eyelids up and down taunting “Chinese” “Japanese” “Chinese” “Japanese”. I will always remember it and the feeling I felt.

And Seattle, my city, as much as a beautiful, progressive haven that we are, we blindly participate in passive aggressive racism. I can’t tell you how many times people have complained to me about “Asian tourists” as if they are not human, but instead an inconvenience to your white city. As if they are not people who have worked hard and saved for years to take their family on vacation, land in a foreign city with a foreign language only to be scoffed at and not welcomed. Where is our empathy there? Where is our humanity? So much of racism is not seeing others as human which makes it easy to be so cruel. The dehumanization of minorities is pure cruelness.

Maybe we don’t do things like you, look like you, or talk like you, but that doesn’t make us lesser. We have feelings. We feel pain. We have depth. We’re smart. We can read between the lines. We know when we are not welcome and it hurts. We know when we are being ridiculed and it hurts. We know Hollywood only sees us as objects and it hurts. We see our brothers and sisters getting murdered and it hurts.

Growing up half taught me to hide my Asian side because from age 5 I deemed it unsafe to show in fear of being bullied. As I grew up, I continued to hide in fear of being disrespected, stereotyped, harassed, and sexualized. That last one is huge for Asian women and disturbs me to my core. I hope I never hear the phrase “Asian persuasion” again or “exotic” like we are some seductive fetishized foreign object rather than individuals.

Also mixed kids need to be normalized. Being mixed is becoming more common now thankfully but growing up in the 90s and early 2000s, I had people ask me if I was adopted, if my mom was my nanny, or “what am I?” and “Where are you from?” This is so alienating. And we’re still at a point where we’re being fetishized because of “how exotic we look”. Please take a moment to understand why these are issues.

It’s only within the last few years that I’ve gotten more comfortable sharing my identity as the world becomes more accepting of different cultures. Although current events show why I’m still weary with sharing my identity with people I don’t know.

And yes, I am privileged in many ways to be white passing because I have the option to blend in easier. I have realized this year more than ever just how privileged I am and oblivious I was. But I also feel the weight of pain our communities feel. And grief is grief. Struggles are struggles. Pain is pain. We need solidarity to move forward.

So I’ve been really touched the past 24 hours how much support and outcry there has been. My boyfriend (also half Asian) and I were saying how it’s actually weird seeing all this Asian stuff. I had to do a double take at what was happening- to see so many people talking about it. We’ve always just dealt with it and somehow society made us feel that’s just how it was. We were used to it. We learned to expect it. You learned to deal with it. And you don’t complain. “People have it harder” “We’re lucky to be where we are”. Silent strength. And silent suffering.

I think of my grandma and her strength. And how she never complained. And it breaks my heart to think of the things she must have endured throughout her life. She was my hero. So strong and so quirky and so herself. And I think of how all of that is in my mom and my sister and I. Being Chinese to me is to be resilient. My people have been through so much yet we’re taught to keep our heads down, work hard, and not complain.

So it really warms my heart seeing so many people speaking out about this and supporting us right now. It’s really moving to see how much positive support can help heal a hurting community. Just seeing people speak up is healing in itself. That people are listening and our problems are actually real. That we’re not overreacting. Victims normally don’t see themselves as victims if they’ve been manipulated to think their pain is normal.

That’s how it’s been for Asian people. (model minority myth at play here). And this is the problem with the model minority myth: It is crafted out of white supremacy to preach “congratulations you should be proud you climbed your way out of poverty. Not like those other folks. Look at the bright side. Forget the rest. Forget the torment we put you through. Forget the past. Aren’t you so glad to be you, a model citizen, a respectable citizen” when in reality it is giving a false sense of security and false praise in a society that is still so very hostile towards you. It delegitimizes our pain and manipulatively puts us against other minorities. It “deems” us closer to white even though that’s not true at all. It’s not a scale of white to black and everything in between. We are all unique cultures and something we just happen to have in common is that we are all not white. We all know what it’s like to be the minority. And we have strength in solidarity.

This has been a moment of clarity for me for my identity. I grieved and I’m still grieving for those lost and their families. Because they could have been me. They could have been my own loved ones.

Empathy can create so much change and healing. So please, when a community calls out for help, please return the call. Picture yourself in their shoes. For them to endure so much pain to finally reach the breaking point of calling out for help- it means it’s serious.

This past year has shown how much white supremacy upholds our society. It really does permeate every major artery, crack and corner of this place. It’s also shown how easily it’s tolerated. Excuse after excuse is made to uphold it and it’s time for that to stop. Thank you thank you thank you to everyone being vocal about this, everyone who is evaluating how their thoughts, words, jokes, or actions could be part of the problem(it’s not your fault, it’s the society we grew up in), and to everyone who reached out. Thank you.

I feel like a weight has been lifted finishing this painting and at the same time I am finding peace with my identity. Being Asian is having an unspoken bond with other Asians because you’ve all been through similar struggles. You are brothers and sisters in solidarity. And that’s what I love about the Asian community. We have an unshakable strength in each other. But recently our community has been violently rocked and traumatized seeing our brothers and sisters murdered and abused. It takes a toll on a community. It’s a collective grieving we are going through. So thank you to everyone returning our call for help. Thank you for listening. And thank you for your love. We will heal but we will need everyone’s help to get rid of white supremacy, racism, and domestic terrorism. And until then we will continue to stand in solidarity with all communities fighting for the same cause✊

I ask of everyone reading this:

Please try and use a lens of empathy to understand why marginalized communities are marginalized as well as their history and struggles.

Please take the time to reflect in the moment if your everyday actions, words, and thoughts perpetuate stereotypes and racism. I’ve caught myself many times. It’s in all of us because we live in a toxic society built on white supremacy. But that’s where the progress comes- when you address it and try and fix it.

Please vote and support leaders who are anti racist. Who work to uplift all communities. Voting and activism works. Rhetoric matters. And politics is not just an old man’s game anymore.

Show solidarity. It means you care.

Have empathy. Do your part to make the world a better place- not just for yourself and the people you care about, but for every human being. The light in me honors the light in you❤️

[camillemontespan]

the interview he walked out of [drake walker]

@moonlightgem7​ @jovialyouthmusic​ @sirbeepsalot​ @fromthedeskofpaisleybleakmore​ @burnsoslow​ @pug-bitch​ @ibldw-main​ @emichelle​ @dcbbw​ @katedrakeohd​ @mskaneko​ @gardeningourmet​ @notoriouscs​ @pedudley​ @of-course-i-went-to-hartfeld​

         ***********************************************************************

These are the things I know about Drake Walker. He is half American. He met his wife, Camille Montespan, at court - she was a commoner taking part in the infamous suitor competition to win the King's hand in marriage. Little awkward, I must say. Drake was awarded the title of the Duke of Valtoria. He now shares two children with Camille, his daughters Lily and Luna. In the space of seven years, he has come a long way from the commoner at court.

Having read through my colleague's interviews with him, he seems friendly and has settled into his role as Duke quite well. A surprise considering he is not of noble blood and was known as the King's best friend, riding along on his tailcoats.

Duke Magazine used to be very selective in who they interviewed. I used to meet Dukes who have inherited their title through generations and Dukes who attended prestigious boarding schools. Now, I meet a commoner who can trace half his family back to Texas and who openly admits that he hates dinner table etiquette.

We meet in a hotel suite. He looks, like everyone says, not like a typical Duke. Instead of wearing expensive designer clothes, he is dressed in a dark blue Henley shirt, brown leather jacket and dark jeans with boots. He looks like an urban dad on the school run. 'Suits have never been my scene,' he tells me, almost bashful.

Drake is perfectly nice. He shakes my hand, says its good to meet me and asks if I want a coffee. So far, polite. Good first impression. He's been taught well.

I ask him how he finds being a Duke, having been in the job for seven years now. He now sports a beard, as opposed to his clean shaven face when he first came to public attention, and he has laughter lines around his eyes. He was twenty-eight when he became the Duke of Valtoria and newly married. He smiles and settles back, relaxed.

'I'm actually really enjoying it,' he says. 'I've found my feet, after what seemed like an age. Mind Over Matter is doing well, it's making a difference. I'm making a difference. Everything is great.'

Ha. I repeat that quote back at him jokingly and he turns red. 'Ah, yeah,' he says. 'The famous quote.. Well, it's true though.'

What has he learned in the seven years of being the Duke of Valtoria?

'God, I've learned a lot,' he muses. 'Just to try not to repeat my counterparts mistakes. Be the difference. And also that I am a really overprotective dad - I didn't realise how anal I could be about parenting.'

He doesn't talk like typical nobles. It's.. disconcerting.

I wonder if he has anything else in the pipeline aside from Mind Over Matter. He shakes his head. 'Not yet. Right now, the charity is my baby. I want to focus on it completely, make it the best it can be.'

Mind Over Matter has somehow managed to prove its critics wrong. I'll admit I was one of those naysayers who viewed the campaign as a glorified Boys Weekend, casting doubt over the campaign before it even began. I tell him this and he bristles.

'I don't get how people could be negative about something that is so positive,' he tells me. 'Men get emotional too. If women are feeling under pressure they may go out with friends or to a spa, and people call it self care. So why can't Mind Over Matter be viewed in the same light?'

I have to argue that Cordonia is traditional in the sense that home life is important. Husbands being away from home for days on end so that they can hike up mountains and kayak seems neglectful to their wives. Family values are the most important thing in Cordonian society.

Drake eyes me. 'I can tell you now that my wife does not feel in any way neglected. She encourages it actually. And we raise our family in the best way we can.'

Even with his justification, he is still a Duke with responsibilities who chooses to go away for long weekends to take part in Mind Over Matter. This is completely different compared to previous nobles I've met who attend palace balls and polo matches.

'I want to be a present Duke,' he explains, clearly tired of having to explain himself. 'The campaign gives me a chance to meet all types of men from all over Cordonia. I'm not just meeting Valtorians, I'm meeting everyone, and that, in my opinion, is a big deal. I want to be there for everyone, not just a select few.'

Drake clears his throat. 'Let's move on.'

We do. Does he ever feel like he has won the lottery whenever he thinks about his life?

'Very much so,' he answers. 'I often get imposter syndrome you know? Like I don't deserve any of this. I've got Camille, I've got my daughters.. I thank my lucky stars everyday.'

Drake has had to prove that he is worthy of the title of Duke more than most of his counterparts. He has dealt with a slew of negative press asking if he is up to the job.

'It was a learning curve,' he admits. 'I didn't know what to expect when me and Camille were installed at Valtoria and suddenly were given titles. We both felt like frauds which is why we've worked so hard to make a difference in Cordonia.'

They have certainly shaken things up. They are the first noble couple to pioneer their own campaigns. They talk about mental health. They advocate for women's equality. Their modern outlook is at odds with the traditional nature of Cordonia. Many have criticised them, saying that they should stick to what they're best at, which is supporting their duchy. I will admit I was one of them. It's not like Drake and Camille are qualified doctors or therapists. What can they possibly change that a professional can't?

Drake's eyes widen at this question. 'I think that's so narrow minded,' he says. 'I'm sorry, I don't mean to be disrespectful, but it is. Everyone struggles. Just because I'm not a doctor doesn't mean I can't help or offer support. I use my platform for good. I don't want to show off wealth or my title. When I lived at court, I would see so many nobles who were arrogant and looked down on those who weren't born with the same privileges as they have. I'm different, Camille is different. We want to get to know the public and hear about their issues. Why even have this role if we can't help?'

I am about to speak but he bulldozes through.

'We're changing things from the inside out,' Drake explains. 'We were the first nobles to reintroduce the concept of Open Houses, which is when our duchy can visit our house and talk to us personally about any issues they need help with. We don't shy away from the public, we actively encourage them to speak to us. We work hard to shape Cordonia into a more modern and equal place. I want the future to be different for my little girls. I want them to be happy, to have opportunity and to feel they can do anything they set their mind to. I want them to feel safe.'

Safety. Drake obtained a restraining order against the paparazzi when daily stalking became too much for the family. It means photographers aren't allowed within 12 feet of them and if photos are published of their children, pixels are placed on top of their faces, obscuring the image.

I understand that Drake is the ultimate family man so a restraining order was not a surprise. But what I can't get my head around is why do Drake and Camille, who constantly say their privacy is important, take part in magazine interviews like this one?

'Because we have things we want to promote,' he answers dryly. 'I don't do these interviews because I'm desperate for attention.'

I've hit a nerve. I press on, suggesting that they can't have it both ways. Many journalists were incredulous when Drake and Camille drew red lines around their private and public image.

'Look, we chose to protect our family,' Drake says. 'I think if any man was in my position, he would do the exact same thing. Camille and I may have accepted our roles but we genuinely want our kids to have as normal a childhood as possible. So if that means no paparazzi, perfect.'

Despite the restraining order doing its job now, there are many pictures out there that were released before it came into action. Pictures such as holiday photos of the couple, particularly Camille in a bikini. Everyone knows what she looks like scantily clad and it lead to men's magazines calling her Cordonia's Sexiest Duchess. How does it feel to be married to Cordonia's most admired woman?

Drake's jaw becomes set when I ask this. 'I feel lucky to be married to her because of who she is. She's amazing. But she's not an object or a trophy, that's completely demeaning.'

And yet, column inches are dedicated to how to achieve her bikini body. People can't get enough. How does Camille feel about that, I wonder?

'Can we not talk about my wife's body, please?' he asks. 'Not appropriate.'

The images are out there though. Everyone has an opinion. Drake and Camille are more like celebrities than nobles, which I think is why everyone is so interested in them. When bikini pictures become part of the news cycle, Cordonia goes crazy. Plus he can't deny that she is a stunning woman. She has the whole package.

'Camille is more than just her looks,' Drake says. 'She is fiercely intelligent, kind and the best person for the role of Duchess of Valtoria. If you have to mention her, talk about her work for women's equality in the workplace. Or that she visits children's hospitals at Christmas time with Santa. Talk about those things but don't talk about those magazines that print pictures of her body, just don't. She's worth so much more than that.'

I steer the conversation away and ask about the two of them as parents. Drake has admitted he is over protective. Is Camille the same?

'Yes but less so,' he tells me. 'I think it's just in my nature to always want to protect my family. I protected Camille when she first came to court. Camille tries to calm me down but even she has her moments when she worries if Lily is eating enough vegetables or Luna is sleeping well. But that's normal. Every parent doubts their abilities, you just gotta believe that you're doing a good job and raising them right.'

I wonder if that is due to Drake losing his father as a teenager and Camille losing her parents to drugs. Perhaps they are trying to over compensate for their broken backgrounds. But Drake abruptly stands up, shaking his head.

'No, I'm not continuing this anymore,' he tells me. 'I'm done.'

I apologise and say we won't discuss Camille again but Drake is adamant that he won't sit back down. 'You brought up my wife's parents. By all means, ask about my dead father and my abandonment issues but don't even try to discuss my wife's parents without her present.'

I try to explain. Her background is so vague, her PR team have tried their best to keep the details private but we all know her parents struggled with drug addiction. Camille will politely answer one or two questions and then steer the conversation away, which I always feel is a cop out. Unlike her husband, she does not go into too much detail about her struggles.

Drake bolts up from his seat. I stand up to try to placate him but the Duke of Valtoria won't be calmed. 'This is over,' he tells me firmly. 'I'm fucking done. It is not my place to answer questions about my wife or her parents. That is HER story.'

I try to stop him from leaving but he is quick to pull on his jacket and mutter swear words under his breath.

I ask him to sit down so we can start over but he turns to me, his eyes filled with fury. 'Camille is the strongest woman I know,' he hisses. 'She has been through hell and she's come through the other side brighter and stronger than ever. She makes a difference and she loves Cordonia. She genuinely cares. Make THAT your fucking headline.'

He storms out of the room. He's walked out of this interview, creating a headline that is now out of his control.

                             **********************************************

Drake slammed the front door and stormed through the hallway. He felt sheer rage.

Camille rushed out of the living room and stopped him from entering. 'Baby, what's happened?' she asked. 'The girls are in the living room, be calm.'

Drake sighed and gestured for her to follow him into his study. He crumpled down onto his chair and placed his head in his hands.

'I lost it,' he muttered. 'I walked out of the interview. I know that's so unprofessional and will look really, really bad but jesus, Camille, the stuff he was asking!'

Camille knelt down in front of him and placed her hands on his knees. 'Drake, look at me,' she murmured.

Drake looked at her reluctantly.

'Whatever he asked, whatever is printed, will not be the end of the world,' Camille told him, her voice steady. 'Negative press just comes with the territory. We can rise above it.'

Drake clenched her hands tightly. 'He mentioned your parents,' he choked. 'He asked about your bikini photos. He spoke about you like you weren't worth anything. I felt so angry on your behalf, Camille. So angry. The thing is, he wasn't doing it to get a rise out of me, he was doing it because he wanted a particular angle for his damn article.'

Camille closed her eyes. 'People are going to ask about my parents, Drake,' she said. 'It's expected.'

'He suggested we over compensate on our parenting because of our backgrounds,' Drake spat. 'Complete dick.'

Camille placed her hand on his cheek, her brown eyes boring into his. 'It's okay,' she whispered.

'I'll order them to pull the article!' Drake burst out. 'I'll make sure they don't print it. All it will do is get other journalists asking you shit about your parents and I don't want you to endure that humiliation. I'll threaten, I'll sue, I'll do anything to keep this article from reaching newsstands -'

Camille pressed her finger on his lips, silencing him. 'Baby, breathe,' she said quietly. 'Breathe.'

Drake looked down at the floor and exhaled. 'I just want to protect you.'

'And you do,' Camille told him. 'You always protect me. But Drake, you can't sue every newspaper that dares to ask difficult questions. It's part of the job.'

'Yeah but you shouldn't have to be subjected to it!' Drake shouted. 'It's not fair!'

'It's what we signed up for,' Camille whispered. 'Media poking their noses into our business and lives. We knew this would happen.'

Drake's hands were tight on hers. 'I don't want them to decide your story,' he whispered, his voice cracking. 'I don't want them to define you.'

Camille kissed him softly. 'They won't. I'm Camille Walker.'

Drake smiled weakly. 'Camille Montespan to the press.'

Camille shook her head. 'Formality. I'm Camille Walker, Drake. I'm your wife and the mother of your children. I'm already defined.'

Drake let out a shakey breath and pulled her into him, wrapping his arms around her. 'I love you,' he murmured.

'I love you too,' she replied. Drawing back, she sat back on her heels and gave him a serious look, her chin raised. 'I'm not upset. Let them print it. They can print all the shit they want but that doesn't make any of it true. You know who I am, I know who you are. That's all that matters.'

                           **********************************************

A few weeks later, the article was published. It was a short article due to the fact that Drake walked out mid interview. Drake didn't read it, instead choosing to look the other way when he saw the magazine on news stands.

Until he was forced to look at the magazine cover which Camille had framed and put up on a wall of her study.

'Why have you framed this?' he asked, mortified. 'It's embarrassing.'

Camille wrapped her arms around him and looked up at the picture. 'I don't see it as embarrassing,' she explained softly. 'I see it as my husband standing up for his wife and family.'

Drake blushed and squeezed her hand. 'I can't believe you framed it.'

Camille chuckled. 'Well, you do look pretty hot. It's nice seeing your younger self.'

'Do you not like my beard?!' Drake asked, pretending to be offended.

Camille giggled and kissed him gently. 'You age like fine wine, Drake Walker.'

Drake smiled and looked at the magazine cover properly, this time without shame.

[kneelbeforeclefairy]

Me vs my father in the enjolras is javert's son Les Mis AU that is my life

So. Me. 28. THIS close to her master's degree. Liberal. Socialist. Mixed kid. New Yorker. Just got home from living on her own in Greece. Been living away from parents for seven years. Queer. ADHD . Rsd. Imposter syndrome. Bad at rejection. Torn between two parents who are STILL fighting for me.

Living with Father because who picked the year of the coronavirus to give up her life .62. Barely completed high school. Said Regan was the best president he lived through. Trump voter. New Yorican who doesn't understand the world doesn't see him as white. Conservative who moved south and got worse. Blue lives matter dude. Not Batman.

Will not STOP. Provoking me.

It started with him mentioning you can't get aunt Jemima syrup any more because....you know . Me saying yes you can. The brand firs of all hasn't rebranded itself yet. It currently is still aunt Jemima and the packaging hasn't changed, still widely available. It's just going to rename itself. Get told no it's not "you can't do that any more." interrupted. Get to squeak out the bit about its gonna be the same recipe just called something else. Auntie J maybe. I think that's a good syrup name. He laughs and says it's gonna be BLM syrup.

(and you know what I find that trivializing but if that's what they wanted to name it who cares.)

(more context. His grandfather was black. He told me about being told as a kid by his father that little brown boys just say yes sir to the police. He got The Talk)

And then it goes to Porgy and Bess. Porgy and Bess is on so we watch it. All of us enjoy it thoroughly. He says "isn't this racist? What's the difference between this and aunt Jemima?"

Me.....

I have to get this information put as fast as possible . He's not really listening. He doesn't care. He's not asking . He doesn't find them both genuinely racist. He just....seems to want to catch me out. I try to explain. Porgy and Bess DOES Have some problems. But it was written in 1935 and was one of those Fair For It's Day things. Launched the careers of a lot of black classical singers. Still does. Some charecters might be a little sterotypical (Sportin Life did not age well) but in the hands of a good production and a good actor depth can be found. Rewrites have been made.

But I don't get to SAY any of these things. I try. I, well spoken, bordering on eloquent, stumble through a few poorly thought out points about interpretation and employment and he didn't see the difference between a classical singers playing Bess at the met and being well payed singing beautiful music and even if the roll is somewhat sterotypical and a product of it's times, through a good actress can become a wonderful three dimensional role, or at least no less than any other opera heroine and a poor black woman playing a completely one dimensional mammy sterotypes to sell syrup to enrich white people while playing off their own created nostalgia for oppression of the black race cause I WASNT PREPARED FOR FUCKING WAR OVER PORGY AND BESS. He just asked the questions. I'm on the defense. I've never even SEEN it before. I'm not ready to defend it. I didn't know I was going to have to. Hell, I'm not sure if it IS racist or problematic yet, we're 15 minutes it. He seems to know why I'm watching it at all if I'm so sensitive that a syrup name must trigger me.

He's not concerned it IS racist. Just seems to want to catch me in inconsistancies. Why do you watch this but you want the syrup renamed

(I didn't bring up the syrup. We were talking about the difference between brands in the north and south. He just brought up the fucking syrup and said it wasn't there any more. By the way. It is. I saw it in the fucking Kroger. And I literally do not care about the name of syrup. it's largely symbolic sure but if they want to rename themselves because yeah totally cringe history that's their business. Fine. It literally does not affect me. The recipe is there I'm just gonna call it aunt j or whatever)

And then this morning when I showed him a picture of the Alexander the Great statue o took on Thessaloniki

(masters degree in macedonian history/archeology, me)

He says

He SAYS

"I'm surprised they haven't taken that down."

In this stupid sing song way.

(like obviously this statue thing is an American thing with some England thrown in. I don't know much about Greek politics but I'm PRETTY FUCKING SURE they weren't invovled in the American transatlantic slave trade or the age of exploration my dude)

But he says "it's imperialism isn't it?'

Me "well yes but..."

"he conquered the world didn't he? Did he or did he not conquer the world. You think he did that by being nice to people?"

"well you'd be surprised how much alliance building and diplomacy was used but yes but--"

"so how's it different? Did he conquer the world? Did he own slaves?"

"actually probably not as macedonia wasn't really a slave society and the Persians DEFINITELY didn't have slaves"

"well I just think it's the same"

(frustrated. Can't show emotion or he wins. Already cracked a few days ago when he was talking about a cop iniured by "the mob" and COULDN'T because how many of my people were injured by them? And had to tell him to stop. Told he wouldn't talk politics. Does the above count)

Me. Lightly. "You're unable to grasp nuance. And you're just trying to provoke me"

Something happens. Subject changed. Did I win? Did I lose? We're always battling.

Thing is.

Yes.

There is an INCREDIBLY subtle and nuanced discussion to be had about imperialism in general and its effects and how even ancient imperialism effects us to this day. And how we view warfare and conquest in general and the stories we tell. I would argue Alexander was great because of his kindness, the cultural exchange he sparked, his clever tactics , his mastery of grand strategy, his diplomacy, his ability to use image, and only last his undefeatedness in battle. But I wasnt the one who called him Great, to whoever that was it was about the war. There is A LOT about Alexander and his affect on Persia,which, while we shouldn't layer modern politics over it (especially race based one. Yes Alexander was Caucasian but WHITENESS didn't exist then and Persia was the sophisticated empire , Greece was tiny and insignificant. It's just that Greece wrote the story and got to paint them as barbaians but it has nothing to do with race and they REALLY REALLY WEREN'T and even the Greeks knew that) did destroy an empire and affects the region to this day. Persian perceptions of Alexander are obviously not as kind, and equally important.

So yes there is a discussion to be had about that. And why we venerate a man who did kill thousands and why, I would argue, he still is a very good person who, despite his faults, does deserve that statue.

But we weren't having that

We were playing gotcha.

Cause even if he Couldn't grasp the difference between Alexander the Great, who yeah, totally did sell thebans into slavery in a system that attributed slavery to bad luck and if he had lost would have expected the same treatment to anyone who was not killed,and Confederate generals who thought and entire race was inferior due to their birth, fought for their continued enslavement, committed treason to the country he loves SO much, and LOST, and were memorialized in stupid statues by a bunch of sore loser white supremacists in an attempt to rewrite history to turn what could have been and should have been an Embarrassing chapter in a regions history that should have been healed from into the DEFINING THING about that area despite lasting onl five years and still the symbol of pain and murder to a large percentage of our population within VERY CLOSE TO LIVING MEMORY that has affects that are still here in a very real way because *gestures vaguely at everything* and have caused riots TWICE in your lifetime because it hasn't changed has it and also YOU'RE NOT SOUTHERN and why do you care?

Then I'm not sure what to say.

I don't know what he wants. He wants me catch me out? Debate the liberal cause they're so stupid ? Vent frustration at the liberal because fox news tells you to hate them? His way of processing Something he doesn't understand? Men can't ask for directions? He wants me to argue him, some nerd version of beating the old man at basketball? He feels inferior to his kid so he's gotta put me in my place? A nerd version of not letting the kid beat you at basketball? Test me? Make me prove myself? Make me represent all liberals so he can win?

I don't know what he wants. But I'm SICK OF IT.

And I'm sick of being torn between the mother who is frightened and overbearing and the father who seems to want to always make me keep up.

And I cant

Deal

With

Conservatives

Any more!

[moseswilhelm]

Now that you’re all gone, I’ve got a few squishy bits to air out. I don’t feel normal. Whether that means quirky or broken or eccentric depends on the day or hour or seconds between the particular anxiety of waiting on someone to respond to a long string of text. Internally, I’ve cycled between deciding if I am alien, demon, mutated evolution, a plaything of God, a challenge, or just plain old mentally ill. We can guess the healthier option, but there isn’t much use or fun using that.

Knowing you’ve lacked socialization in your youth doesn’t really mean much in trying to solve that problem in the same way that knowing you were just shot won’t help close the wound. What I am trying to say is I wasn’t socialized when I was young and that consistent distant feeling from your peers comes from that.  Hearing that you think differently, or have an interesting brain is a nice little compliment albeit a little condescending. Unfortunately, you can’t really monetize excellent explanatory metaphors without the true meat and potatoes of capitalist society: focus. Arguably, effort and hard work and all that, but the measurement of how much you’ve put into something gets a bit blurred when you’ve somehow acquired detail knowledge of the economic turmoil that initiated the Pontic Wars. Someone please give me money for that. Easily an entire week got a bit lost in trying to understand centralized economies in the classical era and not one person paid me. Outrageous. I think writing was my way of trying to accomplish that level of usefulness that we are all trying to achieve. I knew that whatever I went through as a kid helped me develop an approach to understanding things in a unique way, but this is arguably not even useful to myself let alone the world as a whole. Unfortunately this hobby/career is top tier ADD nightmares and require a level of focus and drive comparable to Stephen King just ripped on coke. I neither have the proclivity for weird child orgies and dog monsters or coke.  Well thats a lie, coke suits me just fine but my scantron has enough bubbles filled out and I’m already late turning in my “how much of a trainwreck are you” buzzfeed quiz.  I see you, red squiggly telling me that “thats” needs an apostrophe. Fuck off, this is art and I refuse to change. Hey, what do you think happens when you’re told that confidence has to come before... y’know... actually being proud of yourself? Arrogance and self-absorption, obviously. You learn very quick that empty confidence is just as meaningless as no confidence, so to kind of fake it you have to really inflate things you have no right inflating and they are inflated on a scale comparable to those around you. Which is arrogant! Its awful! People can do different things at different levels and still be valid! Confidence is valued at an extremely high level to the point where the confidence to present yourself is a bit more important than the character you are supposedly proud of... evidenced plenty by the folks in the public eye known specifically for their charisma and yet somehow failing to actually be a person worth being around. That said, it can get tangled up in actually being proud of yourself. Shocking, I know, but you can’t really lump people who have characters worth being proud of to those just decent at faking it.  Faking it. I know imposter syndrome is a thing. I am certainly not really alone in the concept of “oh god I’m faking it” so I won’t really pretend I have some magic insight on the concept (I’m lying I’m absolutely going to present myself as someone with Answers welcome to the fucking show) but when does “holding it together” and “how you present yourself” become imposter syndrome.  “Hi this is me who has to be this way in order to balance between seeming different enough to stand out but not so different that you feel disgusted at the concept of change, nice to meet you” I mean what the fuck is a person anyways. Thats not a question. Not even a rhetorical one so if you answered aloud in your head I’m sorry but my psyche is not emotionally prepared for audience participation right now so clam up. Finding yourself is always a precarious as hell phrase because that often means one of two things: 1. Learning not to care about how others feel about who you are, despite all evidence of existence point out that this is the absolute most important aspect of your life 2. Presenting the parts that you were afraid to present to people.  Look, I get it, you can’t please everyone and I’m not really here to talk about how to please anyone. In fact, I’m not even here. This is a lucid dream you’re having in your chair and shortly you’ll wake up and not remember if you were sleeping at all. Its fine, you’re fine.  You have to please someone though. I think we underestimate the value of the tutorial level of life regarding this. You are given a set amount of people who are, usually, just going to be pleased by your existence. This always sets up your expectations of how that looks, how it feels, and how important it is. I mean imagine if right now I decided to criticize the immense value society puts on children. You’d hate my fucking guts! “Look at this asshole, kids deserve to be cared for” To be clear I don’t disagree with that. I think a lot of the current “you are valid” rhetoric is based on the concept that adults deserve to be cared for as well. This sorta rounds off my point that attention and reassurance is an important part of being cared for. In my opinion, this gets overlooked very often in favor cheap performative actions like hitting a heart button and oh my god I’m like a baby boomer writing for the new york times okay hold on I promise this isn’t a cynical criticism of millennials.  People want to be heard. Importantly, people want to be understood. Spicy hot fucking take. Its a bit more than “this person knows who I am” although thats precisely how its framed. People want to be cared for, and this means knowing the... other person knows who they are caring for. Ah holy shit this is why I use metaphors.  You have a snickers bar and you are hungry. Congration, you done it. Its the middle of the day and you never had any breakfast and frankly your bank account could use a break from pleasuring Starbuck’s atm reader so you somehow found the last snickers bar in a box you bought off of impulse bought off of Amazon and immediately regretted because it was gone two days later. Or so you thought. As you threw away the cardboard you hear the tell-tale tumble of a forgotten rod of peanuts and caramel that must have gotten jammed in the back of this thing. It was, however, 7am and you had to get to work and maybe having bubbleguts while dealing with people is not your recipe for a good day so you throw it into your purse or bag or whatever the fuck and move on.  “Lunchtime” rolls around and as you do the mental gymnastics required to find the conclusion that food=energy in between bouts of fury over why your workday insists on starting at 8am and how you can’t seem to cope with falling asleep early enough for that not to matter, you remember your snickers bar. Reaching into whatever bag you put it and coming to the horrifying dread of realization that you left this bag in your car in fucking July, you find the sweet sugared respite in a corner. Squeezing it a bit just to test, you are surprised to not find it in the horrible (and yet delicious) state of melted confectionary. Your stomach grumbles a bit as you fidget with the perforated candy wrapper, vaguely thinking to yourself that it might be interesting to read the ingredients as you eat this thing like that isn’t going to fill you with inexplicable Eldritch dread. Nobody needs to know they are ingesting something that might have been made in a facility that also processes every other nut you can think of, delightfully shortened into “tree nuts”. I wonder if anyone has cross referenced all the allergen warnings to deduce which candies are made in the same factory, or if that information is just freely available. What if we kissed in the snickers production facility??? haha jk but...? Anyways, as your mind cycles through a list of stale memes you manage to unsheath this uncut chocolate delight from its wax(???) plastic prison and proceed to take your first, and arguably best, bite into this lunch.  Your teeth sink softly into it, as you would expect. In fact, expectations haven’t really filtered into your skull soup you call a brain, so all manner of things can just slip through your recognition. Not this, however. Instead, fireworks of electric signals screaming “BITTER POISON” shock your brain from its previous state of vaguely functioning. Now you truly see the color of light, feel the air cocooning your skin, the squirm of your organs in your belly. Full panic ensues. You are not human, you are animal, and you have taken in a poison thing.  You spit it out right there on your lap.  You stare at the sad and ruined chocolate mutant nestled grossly in between your legs as your brain high fives itself for saving your life before frantically scouring your subconscious for whatever Vine gives it enough dopamine to not just fucking kill yourself right here. What happened? The fugue of panic washes your perceptions with a mixture of justifications for this travesty. It probably just went bad, but that didn’t taste spoiled (you consider yourself a mild expert having scraped clean many an old collection of halloween candy collections in August the year after the fact) so maybe it melted and rehardened? Baking stuff is weird so maybe that broke down some of its components. You pick it up (holy shit that is slimy. Of course its slimy, just touch it) and its insides look fine. I mean, how often do you examine the insides of a partially chewed bite of snickers? No weird colors. The remaining chocolate lasagna brick also looks exactly what you’d thought it be.  You jokingly think to yourself that maybe you had a stroke but despite the apparent hilarity of that possibility you do the smile thing in the selfie camera of your phone. Everything seems fine, but now you’re getting mad that some turn of events has just ruined your perfectly good slab of sugar and fat that surely would have made the rest of the day bearable (and full of indigestion) Now that is a metaphor. 

[sage-nebula]

((DO NOT reblog this post, or I will just delete the post (rendering your reblog meaningless) and block you, thank you.))

So, about a month ago, I was prescribed and started taking Lexapro for my anxiety disorder / chronic severe depression.

I’ve made a few posts on this here or there, particularly because the thing that drove me to seek medical assistance was because I was in a really, really bad place. I’m good at hiding it; I spent two weeks in a constant panic state where my heart was palpitating and I could hardly breathe because of it, and I’m sure that no one at work could tell because I’m really good at keeping a chill facade. But being able to hide what I’m feeling doesn’t change the fact that I am feeling it, and the panic state was pretty much unbearable. My severe depression has made it so that I typically always lowkey want to die, but my suicidal ideation tends to be passive. I think “I want to die” but I have no intention of acting on it. But during the weeks that I was in that panic state---a panic state which didn’t even make sense to me, because consciously I wasn’t worrying about anything, it was just my body having a never-ending panic attack from the time I woke up to the time I went to sleep---started pushing that passive ideation to active. I live close enough to a train that I can hear the trains when they pass by, and I started having very strong daydreams of throwing myself in front of one because getting hit by a train would have to be better than living in a constant state of panic. That, and the sense of hopelessness and despair when I thought that the panic might never end, was what drove me to seek medication even though I’ve always been afraid of antidepressants. (Due in part to a sort of imposter syndrome, where I wondered whether I really did have a chemical imbalance, or if I was somehow just making it up.)

Well, I started taking the Lexapro, and as I mentioned in a few posts, the side-effects were not fun. At all. Actually they were pretty goddamn terrible, and I won’t get into all the gruesome details here, but let’s just say that for the first week and a half, my body seemed pretty intent on rejecting the Lexapro, or at least making me quit taking it. But I didn’t quit taking it. I haven’t missed a single dose. And I can tell you right now that I’ve noticed a difference beyond the brain fog of the first day. (Basically---and I laugh about this now---the first day I took the Lexapro I had a surprise work meeting wherein we learned how to use new admin privileges we’d been given. I didn’t know about this meeting until about two minutes after I had taken the Lexapro for the first time, which I did at work in case it gave me a seizure. So I sat through that meeting completely spaced out, learning absolutely nothing, struggling to set up my account. I know how to do the things now because in all honesty it’s not hard to figure out once you get logged into the admin portal, but jfc. It would be my luck that the day we have those permissions handed over to us is the day I tried taking my anti-anxiety/antidepressant for the first time.)

First of all, it really does work at subduing the panic state. Even when the side effects were kicking my ass up and down, my heart wasn’t palpitating and I wasn’t hyperventilating. Even that very first day, despite my doctor saying the Lexapro wouldn’t take effect for about two weeks, I noticed my heart rate slow and everything calm down. It was incredible. It made me eager to get to the next day so I could take the next dose. (Don’t worry, I’m not overdosing; I’m taking one pill at the same time each day as instructed.) I haven’t missed a dose because I don’t want to miss a dose. When I wake up each day, I can feel my heart doing light palpitations, as if it’s just waiting for me to forget so that the panic state can start again. I haven’t missed a dose because I want to keep that at bay. It’s not perfect; I can still feel those palpitations rise up sometimes, and even just a few minutes ago I was feeling it for whatever godforsaken reason. (I actually think I need a stronger dose and wish my doctor had prescribed me one, but since my anxiety and depression scores are better than they were last time, and since I’m pretty small in size, he said he wants to keep me on the low dose for now and we’ll see how I’m doing next month. I get it, but still.) But it’s far less than it was. I’m not in a constant state of high panic. The lowgrade anxiety is still lurking on the edges, but even when I feel it flare, I can get it to die down quickly enough. Hell, last week (or the week before?) I saw an ant in my kitchen, and you know what? I didn’t have a panic attack! I quickly swatted at and smashed the ant, but I didn’t have a panic attack. That’s huge for me. Similarly, last night I thought Morgan had found a dead roach (she didn’t---it was a silverfish), and again, I didn’t have a panic attack. I wasn’t thrilled to see either the ant or what I thought was a roach, but I didn’t have a panic attack. And that’s really big for me, because typically those two insects will send me into panic attacks due to childhood traumas related to them, but that didn’t happen this time. I was able to just handle it, like an adult. It was incredible.

And it’s not just with the anxiety. I think that the Lexapro is helping with the depression, too. Not so much with my low energy (that still needs a lot of work), but like . . . it’s easier for me to employ CBT now, to bat back intrusive thoughts. My suicidal ideation isn’t as frequent. And it’s like . . . over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been thinking a lot about things. I mentioned this in another post, but to go into more detail, I’ve been thinking a lot about how I regard myself, and how I treat myself. For years now, I’ve had such a hard time seeing any good in myself. I’ve had a hard time appreciating myself, or thinking that I deserve good things. I’ve been immensely quick to tear myself down, and when I’m complimented, I’ve found it difficult to accept or believe. My intrusive thoughts are often in second-person, and it’s things like, “You should just kill yourself,” or, “you’re worthless,” or variations thereof. And I’ve been thinking lately . . . why? Why is it that my brain tells me that I don’t deserve good things? That I should feel ashamed for doing nice things for myself, or even basic, necessary things like eating? I’m not a bad person. I’m not. I might not be the best person in the world (who is?), but I’m not a bad person. I don’t hurt others, and I don’t condone other people hurting others. I try to be kind, and I’m compassionate. I’m smart, and resourceful. I help others when I can, and I’m supportive and loving toward those I care about especially. I might not be the best person in the universe, but I’m also not bad, and there are so many terrible people out there (people who do hurt others) who are nice to themselves and happy with themselves, so why shouldn’t I be? Why should I be here tearing myself down, hating myself, punishing myself when there are truly hateful people out there who like themselves and treat themselves kindly? Why should I sit here feeling like I’m the scum of the Earth when, even if I’m not perfect, I’m a far cry from some of the worst out there, and the worst out there do love themselves?

Maybe that’s not the best way of looking at things, but my basic point is that I’ve realized that all those thoughts I have about how I’m horrible, undeserving of even basic kindness from myself or others, a waste of space, stupid, worthless, completely unlovable---even if I’m not a wonderful person, on a basic level, I’m nowhere near as bad as my intrusive thoughts make me out to be. And those intrusive thoughts aren’t doing anyone any good. They’re not doing me any good, because they just make me feel bad about myself. They’re not doing anyone else any good, because me feeling bad about myself doesn’t contribute anything to society either, and it also means I’m less likely to be present for opportunities where I could make a difference, maybe. I shouldn’t be burdened by this. I deserve to like myself, I deserve to have some confidence. And that’s not arrogance, that’s not vanity, that’s just basic self-care. (And yeah, I’m kind of lowkey quoting the Fab 5 here, but let me live, they teach good lessons.) I’m not perfect, but I don’t have to be. I can still appreciate that I’m not a bad person even if I’m not perfect, and I can always try to do better.

I don’t know if it’s the Lexapro that has enabled me to think about these things, or what. I do know that the intrusive thoughts have been a bit less lately, and also that I’ve been able to more easily combat the intrusive thoughts back. (Like when I have the intrusive suicide thoughts, I can say “no,” and when I have the intrusive thoughts about how I’m undeserving of kindness, I can bat that back, too.) It’s not perfect, just like with the anxiety. It’s still there, and even over the past couple weeks I’ve had some real depressed moments / nights. (The fact that I’m so addicted to Hollow Knight at the moment is part of this; I always crave video games when I’m depressed, because they’re genuinely good for my mental health.) Maybe I do need a stronger dose, or maybe it’ll just take a little more time to sink in as my doctor has said. I don’t know. But what I do know is that I’ve noticed a difference over the past couple weeks, and an improvement, and I want to keep getting better. And you know what?

I’m kind of mad at myself for being scared of medication for so long. I’m kind of mad at myself for not doing this sooner, for having to get to such a state where I could not calm my body down until I finally went and got it. I could have been improving YEARS ago. But the important thing is that I’ve got it now, and you know what? They always talk about how SSRIs can be addictive and you should wean of, but I don’t know if I ever will. I don’t know if my brain chemistry will ever be “right.” I might need this medicine forever, and I’m fine with that. You don’t say a diabetic is addicted to insulin, do you? So why would you say that about someone who needs some medication to make their brain not try to kill them each day? If I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life, I’m cool with that. If it helps me with the anxiety and depression, I’m more than cool with that. Because for the first time in a long time I feel like I’m getting some of my fire back. It’s not perfect yet, I’m not at a full 100% yet, but I feel like I’m starting to get there, and I want to get there, I want that back. And if this medicine gets me there, I’m all for it.

So yeah. I’m not a terrible person. I am deserving of basic kindness. I deserve to get this flame re-lit, and I think the Lexapro is actually helping me with that. And if it is a result of the Lexapro, then I’m excited for it to keep helping me.

Also?

JAPAN IN ONE MONTH WOOOOOOOOOOO

(a reminder: DO NOT reblog this or I will delete it and block you, thanks)

[pulverulents]

#29: in the highlands and the heartache

I feel like I say this way too often in these journal entries, but uh, it's been a while. Hi.

I just read through my last entry, and... woah. So that was rock bottom, huh? Scary. A lot of things have happened in the months since then. I'd like to think I'm in a better place now, but the truth is there's been so much that's happened that it's difficult to take stock.

Where should I start? It's been a long summer. I'm not staying in hall anymore, obviously, and I won't be anymore for the rest of my uni life. And living at home has been difficult. I've experienced such a rollercoaster of emotions over the last few months that I almost don't feel real anymore.

Let's start with something not as depressing. Believe it or not, there's been joy. Since phase 2 started, I've been going out with friends regularly. I used to be terrified that i would leave hall and not talk to any of my hall friends anymore, and I'm so so so glad that time has proven me wrong. And there’s the new Taylor Swift album folklore, which is quickly becoming my favourite album of hers, and which, despite the complete and utter abruptness / surprise / shock, has come at literally no better timing. And there's my sister, who has been such a blessing lately. She's an asshole and an idiot, but I love her a lot and have laughed so much with her despite everything else that has been happening. And it's been healing. All this joy, laughter, and love. Slowly but surely, I’m learning how to let myself heal.

But there's also been sadness. Discovering sad songs, watching sad musicals, the passing of Grant Imahara, who has been one of my childhood role models. But above all, the growing sense that I've been robbed of my childhood. I went to a friend's house recently, and was completely blown away by how nice their parents were. We all ate dinner together, and we were all actually talking. In fact, we were talking so much that nobody was paying attention to the movie that we spent 20 minutes picking out to watch while we ate. It was so incredible and wonderful and the entire room was just glowing and throbbing with joy and love and then I remembered that waiting for me at home was a lifetime of enforced silence during mealtimes when the only time anyone spoke it was my mother scolding us or arguing with my dad or complaining about some minor offence that one of us had committed earlier that day. And on the journey home, as I felt the dread grow and grow, I couldn’t stop thinking that this was just another thing to add on to the already unhealthy amount that I relate to Evan Hansen. I read somewhere on reddit that I need to let myself grieve the loss of my childhood and the loss of proper loving parents in order to truly move on and heal and love myself, but it's difficult to mourn something that technically hasn't ended yet and likely won't end anytime soon.

There's been anger. And lots of it. At my parents, at society, at myself, at God. It's no secret that I have a very difficult relationship with my parents to say the least, and it's been increasingly difficult to not fight back, even though I know that fighting back never ends well. In the midst of an argument discussion about politics, my mother recently declared to me in the car that she was a racist, and I've never experienced that kind of rage before. I was speechless. And throughout the remainder of that drive, all I could do was sit there and listen to her yell at me and my sister as the anger just got heavier and heavier inside my chest with no outlet to escape. And of the countless times my mother has made me angry, I've never felt it in that way before, and I still don’t really know why. I've always disliked politics and so I've never really bothered to form any opinions on it every time election season rolls around. But with what’s been happening in the world and in Singapore lately, I've suddenly become extremely uncomfortable remaining apolitical and "neutral". I recently told a friend that as much as I don’t like politics, I refuse to use my privilege as an excuse to be apathetic about it, and I'll stand by that statement.

But honestly speaking, anger and anguish and anxiety have all been no stranger to me in the 20 years that i've had the misfortune of being alive. And there are days when I'm still in denial that these emotions are real and valid and won't be magically vanishing anytime soon. I could say more, but most days I’m just tired of trying to be my own therapist. Other days I’m just mad that after so long of repeating the same advice to myself, I keep falling back into the same mindsets and the same cycles of self-loathing which makes me even angrier at myself and then the vicious cycle just goes on and on ad infinitum. I used to direct some of that towards God and I still do sometimes, but more often than not it just results in more guilt and then my solution to that is to just not bring it to God at all, so.. I haven’t spoken to God in a while. Probably just one of my “running away” coping mechanisms.

As I’m typing this, I have just turned 21. (Well, not just, it’s technically been 23 minutes since it’s 23 minutes past midnight but eh same difference.) Amidst all of the people pestering me to celebrate and throw a party or something (mostly my parents), I can’t help but think of when I was 16 and had my birthday marred by yelling and screaming, and then at 17 I thought ‘maybe this time will be better’ (spoiler alert: it wasn’t). And ever since then, I’ve detested my own birthday. I guess it just taught me that my birthday wasn’t anything special, and just like literally every other day, I am equally likely to be a recipient of some sort of verbal or emotional abuse, and thus equally likely to have a depressive episode and / or panic attack at 11pm on the bathroom floor. 

But my hall friends came over 2 days ago just for a regular gathering, and they sprung a not-so-surprise surprise celebration on me even though I told them not to. But it was lovely, and even though they’ve only known me for like 2 years, I’ve rarely felt so loved and appreciated. The imposter syndrome in me won’t shut up about how it’s probably just a fluke that I somehow managed to convince them that I’m a better, smarter, more talented human being than I actually am, and that part of my brain wants to feel guilty that I’ve deceived them into thinking that, but I’ve been getting better in forcing that part of my brain to not feel that way most of the time. Which is nice, I guess. It’s an improvement, in any case.

So maybe this year will be different. Maybe it won’t. Maybe the rest of my adult life will be irreparably marred by yelling and screaming. And life has taught me that hope is foolish, but maybe I want to be foolish sometimes. It feels better than the alternative, that’s for sure. Maybe I’ll live through adulthood desperately wanting to be foolish, desperately holding onto whatever joy and laughter and love I can find and guarding it close to my heart as safely as I can. Maybe these memories will be as untouchable as the ones that seek to rip them out and tear them apart. And maybe all of this doesn’t make any sense at all. I don’t know. I used to think when I was 17 that all this childhood trauma has wisened me up, but now at 21, I now know that there are really a lot of things that I don’t know. 

In any case, the only thing I can do now is just... move forward, I guess? Probably a little ambitious, I know. I’ve been running away a lot as a way to deal with this godforsaken mess that is my life, but maybe it would be a good start to stop running and just.. wait the storm out. Maybe Aaron Burr said it best - 

“Life doesn’t discriminate between the sinners and the saints / It takes and it takes and it takes and we keep living anyway / We rise and we fall and we break and we make our mistakes / And if there’s a reason I’m still alive when so many have died /

Then I'm willing to wait for it."

-jo