#and we won’t talk often
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Thinking about the Don Suave scene and what it means in terms of LGBTQ+ representation because my brain does nothing if not torment me with random topics to ramble about on the regular.
Anyway, I just wanted to ramble about why I like the scene but to get it out of the way - the scene can very easily be interpreted in so many different ways, and all of them are valid. I personally see it as Leo having at least some attraction to a man. And the following is an explanation of my own interpretation and thoughts on it and what it means especially for Leo’s portrayal in the grand scheme of things.
Long-winded interpretation under the cut!
Now, to start with, it’s important to me that in the scene Leo looks at Don Suave in the very beginning and then for the entirety of the rest of the time the man is on screen, Leo’s eyes are closed. Yet, in the end, he is still visibly enamored with Don Suave, happily cuddling up to him as he’s being carried away.
You can very easily interpret this as Leo being spellbound and that’s honestly super valid and I believe he likely was at least somewhat in the beginning, but considering how fast he looked away and how he never looked again, I personally think it makes more sense to read it as Leo just finding the man attractive, at least somewhat. (For the record, I personally headcanon Rise Leo as bisexual with a heavy preference for men, but I want to be blunt when I say that any interpretation is valid. Literally any. Ace, pan, gay, bi, none of the above or a mixture of something new literally all of it is more than okay and fair. Hell you could even interpret this entire scene as more romantic attraction than physical and it would still work. Anything goes!! Don’t bother people, guys, really.)
The main reason I take this scene to be at the very least LGBTQ+ adjacent isn’t just because of how it’s portrayed, but because of who Leonardo is. Not in terms of Rise of the TMNT, but in terms of the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles™️ franchise.
Leo’s a character who, while changing with each iteration, has still at his core been around for decades upon decades as “the blue one”. One fourth of the team. He’s the one most are going to look at as the Leader, and oftentimes he is the one closest to having the title of Main Character. Not to say the others aren’t just as important, but Leo’s presence in the A plots of basically all TMNT media is often something very main character-esque.
And that’s very, very important to note. Here we have a Main Character of a prolific and decades long-running franchise distributed by a children’s television network. You can play around with his and his brothers’ characters all you like, but there is always going to be challenges to dodge around, especially since this was still in 2018-2019.
For example, you can play around with their designs so long as they’re color coded turtles, but their sexualities? Now that’s tricky.
“But what about Hypno and Warren?” Not main characters and also they’re Rise originals. They have a lot more room to play around with than a character like Leo does. But even talking about main characters in the franchise, you could arguably have an easier time playing around with Donnie or Mikey’s sexualities than Leo or even Raph, as (unfortunately) the former two tend to get more B plots, so they’d likely have had a little more leeway (still not a lot though.)
So, where does this leave us?
It leaves us in a place where outright stating and/or showing undeniable proof of Leo’s attraction to men is very, very difficult. So, workarounds!
Workarounds like the entire Don Suave situation.
To be honest, as left up to interpretation and lowkey and deniable as it is, this whole scene means a lot to me because of who Leo is as a character. It’s just nice when we get so see even the bare bones of representation with characters that have been such a large part of pop culture for decades, y’know? Even if more would be so much nicer, this is better than I thought we’d ever get for these boys.
And, again, literally nothing I’ve said is the only way to interpret it, I’m more than happy when people interpret media on their own honestly, it’s just something I’ve been thinking of lately and I was wondering if others felt the same way.
Whatever you think when you interpret this scene or Rise Leo as a whole, I just thought this would be interesting to think about, even if it was ramble-y, haha.
#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt headcanons#rottmnt leo#rise leo#rise don suave#rottmnt don suave#I lied I’m back to ramble because I’m just#so bad at keeping my mouth shut#or uh#not typing word vomit#anyway- yeah this is my personal interpretation#I believe Leo was legitimately mesmerized by Don Suave’s powers…in the beginning#but even the series’ creator says it was ‘at least PART of what was going on with Leo’ so#idk it’s something that’s been on my mind and I was wondering if anyone else felt the same??#may delete this later who knowssss#pleaaaase feel free to disagree I just like to talk lol#but yeah sometimes I look around at how much media has LGBTQ+ rep in it now and it honestly makes me emotional??#(we always always ALWAYS could use more but)#we did not have even a crumb of this as kids#but also like most of that rep is new properties#and I just was thinking about what that could mean#idk man idk#once again please don’t take this as facts it is VERY MUCH NOT#man I was looking around for good images to use and found jack all#anyway tho did you know Donnie often has bi colors around him and Leo is often dressed in the colors of the trans flag-#okay anyway back to the caves I go this comic won’t draw itself#I gotta spray myself with water any time I go to type long winded essays because they’re not great for the mental health fr
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i think one of my fave jay/mal leadership moments is in d1 when jays like ‘hey it’s not so bad here actually maybe we could stay’ and mal’s like ‘ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE.’ bc. obviously mal has the pressure from maleficent to steal the wand etc etc so her judgement is going to be clouded by that but jays been like ‘auradon has nice weather, nice food, it’s safe, our parents aren’t here, and the others seem happy :)’ and has reached the conclusion that they should stay. and obviously he’s right at the end but i really love that moment as the two of them regrouping and consulting each other and discussing their next move & how it showcases their position/dynamic within the gang
#ESPECIALLY how we don’t see mal discuss LEAVING the isle with jay in d2#which is a whole separate thing i won’t go into#but. jal talking strategy my beloved#that scene is also good bc we get mal’s ARE YOU INSANE????? YOURE EVIL YOURE BAD NEWS’ which is the funniest pep talk ever#pov i tell the boy i am desperately in love with that everyone hates him and is scared of him and i like him that way#and jays ‘thanks mal :D i needed that :)’ like ok he wouldn’t fucking say thanks but did mal give jay evil pep talks often#anyway#descendants#jay son of jafar#mal bertha#jal#<- technically but not really but i’m going to say it is bc i’m crazy <3
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I finally have a sonic persona again
(CLICK FOR BETTER QUALITY DEAR GOD)
Ok ok but I did a doodle before this, just ignore the the inconsistencies- I was still trying to figure out his design-
ANYWAY
I’ve had sonic Ocs since I was in elementary school but here’s two old designs interacting alongside the current one (and yes I tired to use their old color pallets too…. Just don’t judge me too much for them? I was a child lol)
#sonic fanart#sonic oc#sonic original character#I’m going back to my roots frfr#this was fun tho#I’ll figure out lore later#(no I won’t ahaha lol)#can we talk about how bad my 11 yr color pallet is?#the values are BAD#how did I ever think that looked okay??#like#holy shit#anyway#maybe I should post my art more often?#I also wanna post my lil side project ‘Darwin’s Dawdle’#but I wanna do that on a side blog where I can like#act out as the main character#roleplay my own OC Darwin during his lil adventure#but for some reason Tumblr isn’t letting me#I’ll figure it outtttt#lol sorry for the rant in tags#no I’m not#you had to choose to read this far#that’s on you
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I went on a walk with my dad
#I’m so so so so so sorry that I keep complaining I’m really sorry if it’s annoying or bothersome or anything ask me to take this down and I-#-will; I don’t wanna bother anyone :(#But I went on a walk with my dad and after a bit of talking we somehow got to the topic of conversation on how me and H butt heads a lot#And the way he said made me feel like I was the problem and that because I am older I NEED to be the bigger person every time#And I told him I didn’t want to have to be the bigger person because I didn’t like how immature she is and he just deflected it saying that#-I’m going to need to because I’m older and more mature#He also said that I’m the one who’s always defensive or picking out the fight when that isn’t true#I don’t want to fight with her; I HATE fighting with her#And geez it’s making me feel like I’m always the problem and I’m the reason why we argue so much#That I’M defensive and immature when I know I’m not#He says I need to be more gentle with her and not expect her to get pissy and defensive bit i only do that(if i do that at all) because she#-yells and snaps at me for no reason so often! I expect her to act that way because it’s how she always acts with me!#I’m not that immature right?#And he says I need to put in the effort to fix it even though she probably won’t do the same#Why do I have to fix it? Why am I responsible? It’s not fair!#I don’t want to be the cool headed mature and bigger person every single time#If she hurts me with her words I should be allowed to make that known without her yelling at me!#🌾#again I’m really sorry for complaining to whoever may be reading this#It’s silly I know#I’m just dramatic I’ll get embarrassed for posting this soon enough and delete it#I don’t know why I’m like this :(#I don’t like it#Geez what’s wrong with me
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sighs and collapses and disintegrates into the wind
#Seven’s Public Diary#vent post#cw vent post#ah yes. another restless nights sleep in a cold room bc i was too upset and sick to eat enough yesterday and my nightmares won’t let up and#my heater isn’t enough to warm the room when it’s this fucking cold outside. but it’s fine bc i don’t think i deserve to be warmer anyway#i should get water but i’ve been stuck laying here for an hour wondering if im racist and feeling like i should just. leave. or smthn. idk#i need a caregiver so there’s someone here to stop me from doomscrolling tumblr and reddit discourse for two hours before bed. lol#but ig no matter how careful i try to be there’ll always be part of me thats. unconsciously? racist? bc im white so its just part of me#idk im not educated enough to talk about it so i guess the real lesson to learn here is to keep my fucking mouth shut. which i can do!#i don’t. know how to apologize correctly. bc no one wants to hear me piss and moan abt my white guilt. if that’s what it even is#im too stupid to understand what to do or say and the more i type the worse it sounds so im just. sorry. i apologize for anything i’ve said#or done. that wasn’t right or was insensitive or thoughtless or uneducated or. whatever else it is i rlly don’t know#i didn’t mean to use AAVE. i really didn’t know. so i’ll go edit the tag where i used it but. that’s only one example. how many more am i#unaware of? how often do i put my foot in my mouth and not know it? im sorry. i’ll try to do better#but there’s so much to be mindful of that i can’t keep track of it all and it’s overwhelming me so i think i should just. be quiet.#‘always a fanfic writer at the scene of the crime’ i. didn’t know there was a connection between racism and fanfic. now im worried#was that just an easy jab to make bc it’s cringe or is it actually problematic. why does it seem like theres smthn wrong w everything i do#anyways. i have to stop thinking abt it or im gonna anxiety vomit. i could go lay on the couch#it in the only warm room of the house but it’s covered in dog hair and i hate the smell from the stupid fucking propane heater#it gives me a headache and makes me paranoid. why did he install gas heat when he could’ve gone with a heat pump. all he did was make#everything harder on everybody. so now we have dangerous gas heat in the winter and shitty mold-filled window ac units in the summer#when he could’ve installed a heat pump/ac unit combo thingy and we would’ve been good to go. why is he like this.#YOURE A GODDAMN ELECTRICIAN. HAVE BEEN YOUR WHOLE LIFE. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT. SO ACT LIKE IT.#im staying in bed. the rest of the house reeks of burnt plastic bc SOMEONE decided to take FOUR sedatives and drink a couple beers before#trying to use the stove to cook dinner :))) so now i have to figure out how to clean that up. i take back everything i said about winter#being my favorite season. this shit fucking sucks. there’s so much more to stress over and it’s all so much more expensive and exhausting#i never want another dog or cat ever again after these two pass. im not the person i once was and i cannot care for them like i used to.#i can’t even care for myself. couldn’t if i Wanted to right now bc everything is frozen solid. can’t shower. can’t do any laundry.#just get to sit here filthy cold and miserable in the one clean-ish sweater i have left for ? days until temps get back above freezing#anyways thats enough bitching abt my first world problems. time to shut up and be grateful for what i Do have bc it could be a Lot worse
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one thing I love about following celebrities/artists who are honest and proactive about their mental health struggles etc is I can’t count the number of times someone I know is going through something and I’m like ‘I’ve got a song for u’ and how much of my life involves telling myself ‘if [redacted] can do something/get better/etc then so can i’ (and having actual real evidence of it in front of me) and I can’t understate how much I appreciate these things.
but at the same time it involves a whole lot of watching people I care about suffer and you learn to read the signs and infer between the lines in songs and interviews, and yes we can never fully know what they don’t share with us, but when they do share things it’s not a big stretch to be like ‘this seems like it’s what life is like for you and I have taken encouragement from it but you deserve so much better’. and it’s easy to find ways to get angry at a predatory industry and realise things that could be hurtful if you’re already fragile.
and we can advocate for some things and help ourselves and the people around us feel better but it’s hard to meaningfully reach your faves as an individual. and there are things we can’t say on the internet in too much detail, speculation becomes the harmful kind of gossip, and so sometimes it’s a whole lot of internally saying ‘you’re doing incredibly well to have gotten to where you are but I wish for your sake things would get better faster’
#curse and catch 22 (not the song)#I didn’t mean to make this so anonymous as a post but maybe. it’s applicable to a lot of artists. I don’t know#just thinking about how sometimes someone will say something and it’s like ‘oh honey’ if you can see. why they might be saying it#like a glimpse into the top of an iceberg that makes a lot of sense to be there given other things they do and talk about#I feel like we’re in a unique position as a fandom with the way all four of them have been so vulnerable in different ways#and they may not be perfect but imo no one deserves to suffer like that especially for an extended amount of time. but the thing is#sometimes the fans are suffering and so are our faves and people appreciate the relatability and don’t have any basic compassion#or ability to see past their own struggles. with this fandom especially compared to a lot of others I’ve been in and I think I know why#but in the end the way I see it we’ve gotten so much relatable content and encouragement (bc the Finding The Positives Vibes which are ther#and sometimes there’s nothing we can give back apart from being a part of systemic change which all of us deserve for ourselves too#idk if this band is unique in this or I just find them more relatable personally and thus easier to see how hard they’ve worked#on themselves and taking risks in order to be honest. and it reminds me of the quote about how suffering won’t make your art better#healing will. and so imo anyone whose art is really good when they are going through a lot has me thinking. imagine what it’d be like#when life isn’t so hard for you?? or when you’re getting better but it just takes a long time I’m like. you deserve to feel better faster#this all said I’m incredibly proud and I’m not trying to insinuate there’s anything catastrophic going on bc there absolutely isnt#I am not in any way worried. I’ve seen tragedies about to happen and these guys show none of the signs. but I do relate to a lot of tidbits#pertaining to. certain chronic mental illnesses and/or being neurodivergent in an unaccommodating world (don’t ask which)#things I would anticipate would be a lot harder when there’s hordes of often fickle occasionally predatory fans to contend with#sometimes I just think of this idk#celebrities are people#5 seconds of summer#5sos#5sos fandom#cw mental health things
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like ok I’m in a group of 4 at my uni but we’re all in different cities now the degree is over, we have an online reading group with vague plans to meet up irl down the line. Problem is I’m dating one of them and I’m gonna break up with him, so that’ll mean cutting ties - we will lose the possibility of doing the reading group/ anything as a 4. my ideal situation (although it’s selfish) is to avoid becoming like separate friends where we all talk but only individually so what I really want is a new 3 w/o my bf - my bf has said to me a few times that the other 2 prefer me to him, I think it’s true and I think I’m closer with/ to them as people (my bf often complains about us as a three/ our communication style (plus- he has other friends he’s close to whereas I don’t)) but my problems are
a) that’s selfish b) how could I go about doing something that selfish (it’s at least so awkward, I’ve put a whole possible strategy in the tags though so not impossible) c) one of my 2 friends will probably want things to not be so harsh on one of us/ idk how to talk to him about something like that
my main question I guess is should I try it or is it too selfish? the only other options really are him getting our friends as a three and me staying in contact individually, or all of us staying in contact individually (which I guess wouldn’t be awful and we’d probably still meet up as a 3 sometimes? but I’d lose the reading group and easy regular contact), or the whole thing fizzing out
#I was thinking I should talk to friend no.1 and say like#I wanna continue the reading group with you#and we could invite friend no.2 and say like look this is what there is future reading group wise#like my bf’s thinking fully clashes (and tbh often can’t follow along with) our thinking/ discussion#and ours have our differences but it isn’t like night and day#and friend no.1 has said to me that when ppl break up they just need to fight over friends#so I could be pretty straight up with him and he won’t judge or be unsympathetic#and this friend no.1 - it’d be a leap I think to say all of that to him#but he’s literally told me drunk this whole spiel about how cool he thinks I am#and how mad he is that I don’t believe he likes me#so like - he likes me#he’s my friend#so it’s a leap I should just make I think#he particularly rates me as a thinker#like really rates me#so staying in a reading group feels prett clear?#also staying friends with my bf Not an option - he won’t want it and my friends won’t humour it#like they’ll know it’s not tenable#at least no.1 will and I respect him and myself too much to sit through that
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oh, random thursday in october, i wish you’d go fuck yourself <3
#anyways i’m depressed today#and i’m not gonna jump ahead and be all ‘i’m in a depressive episode’#bc the jury’s still out on that one#but it’s not often that i a have a random day of depression that isn’t followed by a full episode#which is great!#granted i could also be coming on my period#bc i do feel bloated and also just all round gross#but also could maybe be both#that happens at times#my period doesn’t discriminate against my depressive episodes#when she comes she comes she doesn’t care#i also don’t know if it’s gonna be a full manic episode again#or like as bad as it was back in june#bc i was really bad in june#like at least the mania back in february gave me a break#june was just none stop horrors™️#why has this year been the longest year of my fuckin life#and that literally includes the years i was going through severe medical trauma#i’m really really lonely also#but i feel like i’m bothering everyone#what fuckin else is new?#sorry to everyone i say i’ll be there for and then i’m never there ✌🏻🤪✌🏻#i’m not exactly the safe place i wish i could be#i’m not even a safe place for MYSELF#so you’re probably better off#i don’t know if i deserve to ask ppl to talk to me when i won’t do the same thing x#okay but the thing is i know i can get through this bc i always do#i just wish i didn’t have to#bc shit’s fucking exhausting to constantly go through every few months#like we get it i have a depressive disorder 😒
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it’s weird how much lighter my life feels now. not that i don’t have any issues (because there are many in my life, as i am sure there are in yours), but they’re just so much more manageable than they were a year ago.
what’s more; i love myself now. i may not be perfect. but i am trying my best, and i can tell that i am! i see myself in the mirror, and sometimes i just examine myself, and my features, and i smile. i feel so much more authentic when talking to people, not worrying about how they view me, because i don’t have to anymore. i wish i could’ve told 15-year old me just how good it’s gotten so far, i know that he would’ve loved hearing about the shitty sideburns we’re growing out right now :’)
#it gets better :)#i used to think that transitioning medically wouldn’t lessen the sadness and depression i felt#and to some degree it is still there since t isn’t a cure all#but by the gods it is so much fucking easier to deal with everything#when a major reason for my mental health being the way it was has been abated#it’s like the fog cleared enough for me to actually see the road i’m driving on#instead of assuming blindly that i won’t crash#once i get top surgery.#idk. i wonder if things will be even easier?#i’m almost a year in and already my life feels so much brighter. yeah there’s problems with keeping the house. and yeah#i don’t have an income yet and i don’t know if the internship will even be in the cards for me#but. i just feel that everything will work out. enough for me to enjoy the time i have here :)#sorry i am being sappy but god! i love and i love! so much now!! i feel so much and i enjoy nearly every day despite the Issues#the world is getting worse but still i find reasons to love and live#so maybe one day it will get better? maybe one day my love will have helped even#if you’re reading. i love you. even if you’re just a follower#even if we’re mutuals that haven’t talked before#i think about you often. i wonder where my oldest mutual went after they stopped posting years ago#i don’t think i can forget. and i love you. and i wish i. could give you a hug. we all need one from time to time#i love the friends i’ve made and the friends i’ve had. i love. and this past year has opened up my floodgates of emotion
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and the way Thor is so casual about looking like somebody else, it's clear that loki has turned him into others or other girls often
Thor: not this again. Loki with his strange habit of turning me into women and then checking me out -_-
#it’s ok Thor don’t worry he does that when you’re yourself too it’s called ‘looking someone over’ and it’s because he cares#like fr people think in a hypothetical Thor/Loki world that Loki would line forever. Loki. LOKI. Loki who sincerely talks about his feelings#yeah nice try fandom you won’t trick me I already know if Loki is giving love confessions and flirting as bros no way would interest#not be ultra clear#checkmate#Thor’s the one who would pine for ever and ever#but also Thor and Loki probably had to disguise often I reckon for quests and stuff#Loki turns Thor into a girl and they’re in a dangerous or public situation so he grits his teeth and plays along#Thor like ‘ugh. younger brother shenanigans. -_- don’t you have when your bro makes you a girl -_-‘’#warriors 4: you brothers are just unique we think. well we actually try not to think about it. we like to focus on the missions mostly.
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sorry just. jesus christ.
#taylor.txt#me: you’re on my case about me needing to communicate with you and i do my best to do that so i need you to communicate with me too#her: i don’t like talking about it when im upset#me: okay but we need to talk about it because i need to know what happened and how i can help and support you if i can#her: but if i talk about it i stop being aloof and mysterious. you can figure it out#????????? no i can’t that’s why i need to talk about it with you#like oh my god. god forbid i say something too deadpan and accidentally convince her im mad at her and then have to spend days soothing her#when like. in reality i’m just tired and feeling sick and focusing on not passing out#but she often laughs about the fact she probably has bipolar or bpd or some kind of personality disorder that she doesn’t want to get#doesn’t want to get diagnosed with.* because she thinks that it makes her more mysterious and quirky#you are not ramona. you are not quirky and cool and stoic. you are stressing me out and demanding i communicate with a brick wall#like idk i do my best to be open and communicate!! doing my best to not run at the first sign of trouble!!#but it just frustrates me that she’s always demanding that i do more of that when she won’t communicate and gets upset for me asking her to
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🎧
#forgot to mention that among the many things I did today while work was dead#was listen to a podcast from classical educators that was mostly?? about literary analysis in high school English class#I need to start by saying that’s one gap in my education#my mom figured I read enough that I didn’t need the lit classes andddddd on this she was wrong lol#anyway!#they were discussing symbolism and motifs and how to identify where those actually exists in stories and where someone’s just#making stuff up to sound smart#and this led to talking about how especially older stories are often interconnected in some way and are all part of the same conversation#how they pull in the same elements and rely on the same depth of historical and cultural context#C.S. Lewis was mentioned at one point#now normally I agree with these guys or at least find the topic informative#BUT THEN THEY MENTIONED HUNGER GAMES#kind of in an offhand way but as an example of how more modern stories are not this way#how they’re for entertainment and they aren’t that deep and ‘you won’t find more to them when you reread’#(because ‘a good story is one you need to read several times to see everything’)#and THEY COULDNT HAVE PICKED A WORSE EXAMPLE THERE#but setting aside exactly how brilliant THG is there’s also…what’s that bias?#about how the past Got It in ways the modern world doesn’t?#and like…we only have the stories that survived the threshing of time lads#right now we feel inundated with cheap and shallow stories but the deep ones will survive#I dunno it just got under my skin lol#this podcast has never failed me like this before
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It continues to trip me up how much human brains are just weird organic computers
#thoughts#oni talks#oni vents#additionally wild that the easiest ways for me to explain brain stuff are generally in computer or video game terms despite the fact I’m#notoriously awful with computers (and to a lesser extent video games) although I won’t if my natural inclination would be different if I#didn’t have trauma related to computers/if maybe it’s the classic adhd interest based learning difference? unknown tbh#I still really wanna go to school to study people but academics is fucked as hell so making that work will be a personal hell for me#but also I have so many theories and data I can’t do anything super tangible with coz I’m not in an academic setting so even if i wanted to#talk about stuff and work on it no one would take me seriously w/o that academic background no matter how much effort I’d put in learning it#on my own for my entire life at this point it won’t matter if it’s not on some level acknowledged by an academic system I despise tbh#it’s one of those things that makes me miss my dad coz we used to commiserate together about these sorts of things tho he made it work far#better than I have been able to. i wish i could ask him science questions again.#anyway human brains are so fascinating but also I really wish I was better at explaining myself analysis of people I feel like I’m good#enough at this point to be like partway understood coz I’ve done so much practice on my own coz I tend to rehearse explanations ahead of tim#but its still often misunderstood or misconstrued & it’s understandable a lot of the time coz like most other people aren’t spending a ton#of their free time thinking about and researching how people work/analyzing those around them+themselves vs me whose been doing since like#I dont remember the exact time but I do remember being really young & making the conscious decision to study & analyze my family for example#so that I could be helpful & translate their words to each other better + ppl often don’t see things about themselves that others do#also forever thinking about the human brain/experience in relation to the sims & video game commands lmao#currently trying to explain save states in the human brain to ppl but no one knows wtf I’m talking about#& researching academic terms that are close to what I want doesn’t necessarily work if there’s no academic term for what I’m talking about#hence wanting to do the research myself coz sometimes it feels like there’s all this stuff that’s obvious to me but no one else?? from what#I’ve seen in recent studies they are only starting to scratch the surface of stuff I’ve already known sometimes? other stuff is older & it’s#VERY gratifying when it’s stuff I’ve known but not been listened to about & it actually gets the proper recognition#though getting ppl to actually listen/take what I say seriously is its own journey & I have to be careful myself bc I’m human so my own#understanding/data is constantly updating + I have storage issues so finding the data I have in my brain is its own struggle sometimes#every version of me is interested in people & I think that’s neat even if other people don’t understand that concept#sometimes I feel like an alien/robot whose sole task is just to study & support humanity & it’s very weird tbh
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#oohhh girlies in my phone I’m really in it now#I went to talk about this in the tags last night but then I rambled so much I HIT THE TAG LIMIT LOL#but um basically I got re-acquainted with a boy I was friends with when I was nine only to discover that I still have a crush on him???#MAYBE??? I DON’T KNOW????#I genuinely don’t know if I actually do or if I’m just thrilled to find a guy I can talk to like a normal person who doesn’t make me want#to dig a hole in the ground and hide (this is not a dig at the menfolk I’m just nervous around guys my age for some reason)#it’s such a rarity you know???#I just I don’t know aaaaaaaaaahh#I don’t often find people that I’m on the same wavelength with like that. like a kindred spirit thing#and like one thing is he IS a year and a half or so younger than me which is slightly awkward now but won’t be in even just a year or so#my family (in their usual fashion) have tossed him up to me as a potential option multiple times this week and I haven’t been as adverse as#I usually am to their suggestions so like. I think they can TELL haahahahhahahaha#like it doesn’t matter I guess because I’m going on an exchange program and I won’t see him again until next year anyway#but it’s been two days and I can’t stop thinking about it#also the other thing is I don’t have his number but my brother has it and like I’m not going to ask for it because a) my brother would make#fun of me relentlessly and also b) what would I even do with it I’m not that brave#I am perfectly content with just being friends for the moment but I don’t want to let that friendship atrophy in the whole year we don’t#see each other but!!! I’m too awkward!!!#but. anyway. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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I thought I would have a nice day today, but it turn into a big fight how great
#my mom is constantly saying we don’t care about her and that we won’t let her express herself#but the way she need to express herself hurts both me and my dad so we kindly tell to not do it please#but she get offended cause she take it that we don’t care about her feeling and take the side opposite of her#but once we tell her she dosen’t consider OUR feelings she repeat that we don’t care about HERS#no you’re the one only caring about your feeling#I’m exhausted I’m already so stress and confused about what to do I need money and the store won’t call back so I need to find somethin#but there’s nothing around my house that won’t end with me having having panic attack everyday like at my old job#but she won’t hear a word we say if we ever tell her she does something to hurt us she takes it as an insult#she says to take her as she is and she will never change even tho we tell her it hurts us but we should change and and absorb everything#todays conversation was one we have often and I feel the same way she does about the subject but I hate talking about it we don’t have#to keep talking about it what is done is done no matter how much we talk against it it just hurt#even when I told her it was mentally the worst time of my life she still thing that I should listen to her complain non stop and have#to think about it when it just hurt#i feel like Imm just repeating but imm so tired of everything and don’t wanna go in detail I hope it still clear#we had plans today and everything is just ruin#i would continue playing my game and stay distract but this ruined my mood so bad#tomorrow is probably gonna be bad to cause my botch my parents are stubborn especially my dad and he won’t talk to her now and probably#won’t tomorrow neither and she’s gonna be mad and say that he should get over it#i would cause I hate to fight I just want peace but he’s not like that#i love them but they are exhausting sometimes#i wish I could just leave but I have no one to meet and I’m scared if I leave they are going to fight even more today or tomorrow#or that my mom will get offended idk#i wish I wasn’t coming back to complain but I need to ‘’speak’’ somewhere or I’ll break down 😭#I’m not here often and I don’t feel like scrolling you can tag me in things if you want it would help or use my tag for your content 💕#I’ve been stalking a tag for a couple of days that’s why I couldn’t resist reblog that nice Eri post when I came earlier and keep reblogging#alex.txt#tw negative
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the fact that they still care about shane and carmen and sarah wanted to come back and didn’t get to before the damn reboot show was over. in MY heart and i think kate and sarah’s it would’ve ended with them. one way or another. in my heart. forever
#it’s so personal to me… i can’t even get into it i don’t think abt them that often but when i do…#like. oh we won’t get into it. 🙄#abby talks
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