#but she often laughs about the fact she probably has bipolar or bpd or some kind of personality disorder that she doesn’t want to get

[drivemysoul]

sorry just. jesus christ.

[just-a-simple-otaku]

Alina Gray analysis

Well then, Alina Gray sure is a piece of work. The problematic fav of the MagiReco fandom, fondly referred to as psycho artist or JoJo reference. But Alina is more than a reference and more than just a psycho. In fact, is she even a psycho? In that case, psycho meaning either psychotic or psychopath (or I guess here psycho as in crazy murderous bitch). So let’s have a meaningful analysis of this character and undercover what might be a tragic tale of objectification.

We are introduced to Alina in the game in chapter 5 and in the anime in episode 9. In both media she arrives to stop the protagonists from destroying Ai, an uwasa. In the game, Madoka and Homura (Moemura) were there but not in the anime version. In the game, in her first appearance Alina appeared at first as serious, cold and irritable, before she revealed her mad and sadistic antics. In the anime, she showed up laughing maniacally, acting all eccentric and borderline insane, even strangling herself. It seems that the anime went overboard with the Alina acting crazy part. Not that I disliked it, but given that the game is the original source, I’ll keep this analysis mainly game-only.

We should start by the beginning, which is Alina’s backstory as shown in her magical girl story. It’s implied that Alina’s fascination with life and death in her art started when her grandparents and dog died when she was a child. Given that this event was what drove Alina’s art, I’d say their death must have left a pretty big impact on her (especially since she was 8 years old and might not have been fully able to grasp the concept of death). Alina mentioned how her parents often got mad at her for spending too much time painting, which led her to make her wish to have a space when she can be alone and nobody can disturb her there. Alina was treated as an artist genius from a young age and gathered a lot of attention and big expectations and ended up having no privacy and being used for her talents by people around her, including her parents and teachers. Alina wasn’t valued as a person but only for her art and adults didn’t respect her privacy or free-will as they often shared personal information about her to the public or submit her arts without her authorization.

Despite being a famous artist, Alina shows no interest in popularity, admiration or love from people and simply wants to create more art. She doesn’t seem to enjoy attention or even the company of others and prefer to be left alone. No ones seem interested in how she feels, only in her art and how they can use it for their own benefit (like her teacher who submitted her art against her will and tried to force her to participate in other contests for the sake of the school’s reputation), and when she refuses she’s been called selfish. The only person who genuinely cares for Alina as a person is her kouhai Karin, but I’ll get back to their relationship later.

Her magical girl story shows Alina as someone pretty antisocial with mood swings and impulsivity issues where she can snap and result in material destruction. She seems relatively unhappy with her life and on the verge of depression. The breaking point was when she refused an award for a contest she didn’t agree to participate in in the first place, she received a letter from one of the judges: “It seems you are capable of creating a work that is so beautiful and arcane that viewers will think about it until their deaths. However, your work, which has no external theme, is a powerful drug that might drive people insane. That's why I want to tell you this. If you don't want to change the world, stop creating. You are only fifteen years old; if you haven't realized this, your brilliance will probably run out.”

I just want to mention first that the English translation doesn’t mention she’s 15 years old at that time (she’s 16 in the main story). At first, this letter may seem insignificant and harmless, until you realize how fucked up it is for an adult to say that to a teen. This judge said that Alina’s art is hollow and hurt people and that if she doesn’t intend to change the world with it, she should stop creating, and that her light will burn out. It basically implied that Alina creating art for herself is wrong and harmful and that if she isn’t creating for others, then her art is just worthless and so is her life. Again, implying Alina is a selfish person who is basically useless because she doesn’t want to meet people’s expectations and shaming her for that. Can we talk about how inappropriate, irresponsible and cruel it is for an adult to say that to a child? To crush their passion and treat its worth only by how others appreciate it? And the fact Alina was already feeling depressive before sure didn’t help.

Some people might think Alina is selfish, but let me tell you this: Alina doesn’t owe the world anything. Her art is hers and only hers, yet people kept trying to appropriate her art for their own goal, with no concern for how Alina felt, her desires, and basically treated her as a tool and used her. Now remembers, Alina started to show interest in art at 8 and in her magical story she was 15, meaning she went through 7 years of being used, guilt-tripped, having her privacy violated and having no free-will over her own creations. No wonder why she’s tired of people and just wants to be left alone, and is overall hostile to others.

After she received this letter, Alina became full of doubt and questioned the meaning of her art and life as well as her own worth, and came to the conclusion that just like her art, she’s worthless and is basically a poison and toxic to everyone. After leaving on a vacation to find some inspiration and a meaning to her art, in vain, Alina then decided that she would be better off ending all her art, as well as herself. She went on a rampage to destroy all her art before planning to commit suicide by jumping from a rooftop. She wanted her death to be her final work, concluding her art of life and death, so people can witness her last moment before her light fade away (she put a camera to record her suicide). A last desperate attempt to give some meaning to her life through death.

Kyubey did try to convince her to make a wish, twice, and the second time, Alina agreed, and wished for a space where she cannot be bothered by others. But she had no intent to play her role as a magical girl, she just wanted to add her wish in her life so it can be lost as well in her death.

Of course, as a magical girl, Alina survived the fall and encountered a witch, and, amazed by its beauty, found what the theme of her art was, what she wanted to convert to the world: Alina’s Beauty. She found a reason to live through that and a meaning to her art. She wants people to witness what she considers to be beautiful. And this is how she started to breed witches together and create even more powerful witches (again, let’s talk about that later). Interesting thing, Alina’s doppel is highly based on virus and poison that can drive people insane, which is a clear reference to her thinking her art is poison that drive people insane because of the judge.

So, what I got from her backstory is a subtle tragedy. Alina was basically objectified in a way since she’s a child, used for her talent and treated as a mere tool. Almost no one has any consideration for her feelings, desires and privacy and is, yeah, treated more like an object than a human, and put an insane amount of pressure by all the expectation and guilt-tripping people kept putting on her shoulders. Alina ended up with a disturbed sense of her own identity and what was the purpose of her life, splitting tendencies (incapacity how seeing both positive and negative, lack of nuance), impulsivity and recklessness, unstable and chaotic relationships, self-damaging behaviors, detachment from reality, as well as depression, anger and rage.

I might have sounded really precise here, right? Well, those descriptors I used for Alina are almost all the criteria for a specific disorder: Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

Yep, I’m basically saying that I think Alina might suffer from BPD. At first I thought she might be bipolar because of her mood swing between depression and almost manic behaviors, but bipolarity is mainly genetic and the mood switch is usually not that fast, unlike BPD. BPD is also a personality disorder, it’s not genetic and is caused by the environment, which makes more sense for Alina.

People with BPD also tend to be extremely sensitive to any form of criticism and alternating between idealization and devalorization and emotionally unstable and erratic. That sounds pretty much like what happened to Alina in her magical girl story if you think about it. BPD can also lead to psychotic episodes in more serious cases.

Now, I wouldn’t say that Alina perfectly fit the diagnosis or that it was the creator’s intention, but I feel like she’s a pretty good example of someone who suffers from untreated BPD and to me, it helps me understand the character on a more psychological basis and empathize with her.

There’s also more input on Alina’s psyche in the Holy Alina magical girl story. Again, after one critic that might look trivial from Karin (implying that Alina’s work isn’t art but breeding), Alina became overwhelmed with doubt regarding her art and extremely moody. Having her art compared to breeding and raising a pet deeply upset Alina, who’s forced to admit it’s true. She is indeed breeding witches, and she came to doubt that it’s real art.

Alina feels conflicted feelings. She’s mad that her art may not be art, but at the same time, feels excited at the idea of breeding witches, which only frustrated her even more. Surprisigly, it’s Karin who managed to make her feel better by making her read her favorite manga, bing worried that Alina might attempt suicide again. Alina understood through the manga that even if the plot is redundant, there’s a recurring theme that draws people to it. As a thanks, Alina bought a strawberry milk to Karin (while she usually stole it from her whenever she’s disappointed by her). Alina knows her art is more than just breeding and that she just need to find the core of her theme beyond life and death.

Alina decides to seek advice from her fellow Magius, Touka and Nemu. Nemu did notice how irritable Alina was these days. They make Alina realize that people tend to share a collective unconsciousness, like different civilizations worshipping the sun even though they had no contact with one another. So Alina needs to find something all humanity shares collectively, something she also shares with them. Touka suggested destruction: a death drive, a self-destructive urge. So the core of Alina’s art would be a craving towards death. After reading more about it, Alina became obsessed with the idea of self-destruction and, unable to fully grasp it, threw a tantrum and destroyed her atelier and aggressively asked Touka and Nemu for more explanation. Both explain how humans is one of the only species who kill one another even if it’s unnecessary, especially through wars. Mifuyu then arrives and complained that by destroying stuff, Alina is damaging the environment. This comment brought Touka and Nemu to find the perfect example of humans’ self-destruction: them destroying the environment. Not only are humans killing one another, they are also destroying their own planet.

Alina concluded that humans unconsciously crave death and destruction, leading them to their own destruction. She thinks this is why everyone is so fascinated by her art, because humans do seek their own death. Alina decides that she’ll indeed change the world with her art and that the core of her theme is “changing the world for the good of humanity”. Even if it sounds good, there’s something sinister behind this. For her, the “good of humanity” is granting what she thinks humans want: Their own destruction.

This is how she decided to become Holy Alina by wearing an Uwasa supposed to grant people their desires. And this is how Alina came to the conclusion she has to cause destruction, for the “sake” of humanity.

We might think that Alina’s actions actually came from a misguided good intention, but let’s not forget Alina is far from being a good person. She enjoys making people suffer and causing misery all around her, she doesn’t show any empathy for others and is remorseless. She’s sadistic, cruel and callous. And that lead to another diagnosis:

Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD).

In case you don’t know, ASPD is often referred to as sociopathy or psychopathy, even if both are technically incorrect, but let’s not dwell on that. Alina does exhibit a lot of antisocial behaviors, even before she became a magical girl, such as: Failure to obey laws and norms by engaging in behavior which results in criminal arrest, or would warrant criminal arrest, impulsive behaviors, irritability and aggression, disregard for her own safety and irresponsibility. She laters shows a blatant lack of remorse for her actions and a lack of empathy. The only traits she doesn’t seem to have is lying, deceiving and manipulating for her own profit or amusement. Alina is someone who is brutally honest and has no issue with speaking her mind and herself said that she doesn’t lie. I don’t recall any incident where Alina lies, but she can be deceiving and manipulative, like when she purposefully misled Madoka and Homura about Mami’s fate to hurt them, making it look like Mami met a gruesome death simply to make them suffer. But, ASPD can only be diagnosed when you’re 18 and alas, Alina is 16. But, there exists a precursor to ASPD for kids and teens, which is required to be diagnosed with ASPD: Conduct Disorder.

Alina almost fit the textbook criteria of conduct disorder. She’s a bully, aggressive, cruel towards others (and potentially animals), vandalism, deceptiveness and serious rules violation. And most of those were even before she became a magical girl. She often mistreats Karin and shows no respect for authority, she’s cruel towards others and I feel like it’s implied that Alina might have killed animals (and there’s also her reaction to Kyubey, who she thought was an animal and ended up kicking) and causes a lot of vandalism. Those were rather mild thoughts before she became a magical girl, where she’s downright dangerous and craving destruction.

BPD and ASPD both belong to the same cluster of personality disorder, cluster b, and are often comorbid. ASPD is often referred to as sociopathy, and given her borderline behaviors, Alina is pretty low-functioning. She’s impulsive, erratic and doesn’t bother to hide her true nature.

So, am I saying Alina is an irredeemable evil person who only seeks death and destruction? Yes, but no. There’s more to her. I won’t deny Alina’s cruelty and sadism and lack of concern for others well-being. After all, she doesn’t shy away from tormenting people, torture and attempted murder. But Alina isn’t born that way, she was driven to become a monster by the people around her. Alina wasn’t allowed to be a human, her feelings, desires and freedom were always disregarded, everything that makes someone human. Instead, she was treated like an object, an an object doesn’t have feelings and only serves a purpose. And the big tragedy in that is that Alina herself ended up objectifying herself. She decided to accomplish what she thinks humanity wants by causing destruction, but she’s also projecting her own self-destruction craving unto humanity as a whole. In the end, she tried to become the tool who will change the world for the good of humanity.

Being treated like an object made Alina unable to relate to others or understand their feelings, treating others just like she was treated: as objects. Alina seems to care for Mifuyu, but not as a person. Alina only values Mifuyu for her body, which she considers to be a work of art. Let’s not forget that magical girls’ true bodies are their soul gems and their human’s body is pretty much an empty shell, so Alina only caring for Mifuyu’s human body and not her as a person does show that she views Mifuyu as an object, not a person.

She also doesn’t understand humans’ bonds. When she proposed to spare their lives in exchange for Felicia (who she was angry at for destroying her witch), she didn’t understand why Tsuruno was so upset. Tsuruno even said “people aren’t objects!” which confused Alina even more. For Alina, everyone, including herself, are objects, and she herself can’t understand why others value people’s lives.

There’s also the way she’s treating witches. At first she seems to care about the witches she raised, considering like like pets and art and throwing a tantrum when Felicia destroyed one of them. But later in the story she shows no remorse to sacrifice the witches she raised, which shows that Alina doesn’t actually care for them, but given that they are hers, she can’t bear people other than her destroying them (or destroying them against her will). Alina did say that only an artist can destroy their own art. Given that she views the witches she raised and breed as her art, she doesn’t actually view them as actual pets but again, as objects. Alina’s objectification extend to witches too.

In one of the Christmas Events where she turned into Holy Alina, she ended up causing a lot of good actions while trying to do bad actions, which made people love her. But it didn’t please Alina at all. She doesn’t care about being loved or hated, she doesn’t care about what people think of her, good or bad actions. At some point, she noticed someone about to blow off a bomb and didn’t care nor show any interest in stopping him until she realized the bomb could damage Mifuyu’s body (again, she wasn’t worried for Mifuyu’s well-being, just her body). Alina seems to not feel shame for her behaviors, neither find it rewarding to be loved and praised.

Another thing regarding Mifuyu. At some point, the Magius (so Alina too) decided to sacrifice Mifuyu and feed her soul gem to Eve. I found it strange that Alina seemed to agree, until I realized something: A magical true body is their soul gem and they only need to feed that to Eve. There’s no need to feed Eve with their empty shell of an organic body. So I came to the conclusion that Alina didn’t mind sacrificing Mifuyu’s soul gem as long as she can keep her body. It just shows how much Alina doesn’t care about Mifuyu as a person and only valued her as a piece of art. An object. (And God knows what she would have done with her corpse).

Well, I’m not making a case about Alina not being an unredeemable piece of shit huh? Well, I decided to keep the best for the end: Her relationship with Karin.

It’s undeniable that Karin holds a special place in Alina’s heart (or whatever Alina has instead of a heart). Alina is cruel and mean towards Karin, true, but unlike other people, Alina never hurts Karin for her own pleasure or by sadism. Most of the time, she ended up mistreating Karin out of anger, mostly when she deemed that Karin made her lose her time or disappointed her, or when Karin is being dishonest with herself and doesn’t improve. Alina insults her and belittles her, as well as stealing her strawberry milk, not with the intention of hurting her, but as a form of punishment. Like a parent disciplining their child. But Alina does sincerely want Karin to improve and the fact that she takes the time to teach her, spend time with her and even rewards her proves that, in a way, Alina does care about Karin. In a really shitty and abusive way. But I don’t recall any instances where Alina physically harm Karin or show to enjoy hurting her. Still shitty and abusive, don’t get me wrong. But I feel like Alina is being abusive towards Karin because she’s unconsciously repeating how her parents may have treated her as a child. We know her parents often got angry at her and perhaps they acted in a way that is similar to how Alina treats Karin. The cycle of abuse sure is a tragic thing.

But why Karin? Well, I got a couple of theories. First, Karin is the only one who seems to care about Alina as a person and not an object. Karin greatly values Alina and is concerned about her feelings, something Alina isn’t used to, being only values for her talents. Karin often notices Alina’s change of mood and shows rejoice whenever Alina is in a good mood. She also worries greatly about Alina when she’s in a bad mood and even fear that she might try to commit suicide again. Karin is also someone who respects art and thrives to improve even if she seems to lack the talent. But she is still optimistic and never gives up, and she knows why she’s doing art. She wants to make people happy with her stories. Almost the opposite of Alina, who’s rather pessimistic, she oftens despaired regarding her art, she has the talent but lacks substance and doesn’t exactly know why she does art. Alina even admitted that Karin might be a bigger genius than her because of her passion, which Alina feels like she lacks, feeling empty inside. Even if Karin has expectations towards Alina, it doesn’t seem to put pressure on Alina, as Karin shows interest in how to make her own art and not Alina’s art itself. In a way, perhaps Alina can relate to Karin in a certain way, with her desire to make art, as well as being envious of how Karin can just be carefree about her art and be able to enjoy it without having people trying to use her. Perhaps this is why Alina is able to care about her, because in a way, she can relate to Karin. Still, Alina is abusive towards Karin and her intention doesn’t change how poorly she treats Karin.

Funny thing, Alina herself doesn’t seem to know exactly why she makes art, and ends up needing others' opinions to figure it out. She ended up deducing that her core theme is self-destruction because of Touka and Nemu, which seems to make sense with Alina’s fascination with life and death. People focus on the death aspect, but Karin thinks that Alina’s works are actually full of life. Perhaps Karin is the one who’s right, maybe Alina's actual core is more towards life, but given how twisted Alina became, she doesn’t even realize it herself. Maybe Karin is the only one who can see the good Alina might have deep down inside of her, or may even bring the good inside of her. Who knows, Karin might be the key for Alina potential redemption.

Also, it may not look like it, but I think Alina is constantly hurting inside, due to depression, but she’s so disconnected from her own feelings that she doesn’t realize it and unconsciously hurts others because she’s hurting. Alina is full of unhealthy coping. Her own fascination for life and death started by the death of her grandparents and dog when she was a kid, and might actually have traumatized her and her way to cope is her art. That would explain why Alina herself is uncertain about her theme, because often, understanding our own trauma can be quite hard, or even realize that we experience trauma in the first place. Perhaps death traumatized Alina and her art is her way to understand death better and accept it as a part of life itself. Maybe she actually wants to value life by understand death, because without death, life loses its core value.

So, did I answer the question? Is Alina a psycho crazy jojo villain? Yes, but no. Alina isn’t a psychopath and not downright psychotic either (even though she might experience psychotic episodes). Crazy? Well, I do think she suffers from personality disorders, but it doesn’t make her insane. A sociopath? Maaaybbeee. But to be honest, I mainly think Alina is someone broken who is the result of her environment, someone constantly hurting inside with deep self-destructive urges. The objectification made her feel disconnected from her feelings and humanity and turned her into a monster. But it doesn’t excuse her villainous actions, it only made them understandable and Alina more sympathetic.

Well that was longer than I expected. Let me know what you think and thanks for reading!

[creativity-is-rebellion]

Some Things are Not Dialectic

So much has happened to me since I last wrote on this blog. To sum it up in a nutshell: I changed therapists (something I have been meaning to do for a while now), I was hospitalised yet again for just a little over a week this time, voluntarily, for recurrent suicidal thoughts, where I was tentatively diagnosed (yet again) with BPD, and the new therapist I started seeing after coming out of the hospital diagnosed me with Asperger’s. I also started a DBT program, which I am now six weeks into. Previous therapists, if you have read any of my other posts, have diagnosed me with Bipolar I, but after only two sessions with the psychiatrist at the hospital, and in the wake of him talking, at length, with my husband about my history, I was informed that I probably have Bipolar II and BPD. My regular psychiatrist disagrees with this and stated that it is probably complex trauma (or C-PTSD) and Bipolar I. I am inclined to trust the diagnosis of the latter more, as I have been seeing her for two years now. And now I also have an Asperger’s diagnosis from my new psychologist. What a mess. After all these upheavals, I feel emotionally at sea.

I also decided to swap medications at the hospital (the Seroquel was not helping my insomnia and was making me gain a bit of weight) and finally gave Lithium, the supposed “gold standard” of Bipolar medication, a chance. And it made me terribly ill. I was so nauseous all the time that after 4 weeks of struggling along, I had to give it up. I even broke out in a rash, but no professionals, not even my GP, wanted to listen to my misgivings, so I just informed them all that I was coming off it. My psychiatrist respected my decision, but wants to put me on something else. I am reluctant, because I have tried all sorts of medication for extended periods of time, and there are always negative side-effects, or they don’t do what is intended. I was told in the hospital by the psychiatrist that Lithium would be ideal for someone like me who has ambitions, wants a career, and doesn’t want to sleep for 20 hours a day, so when I experienced intolerance, I felt so disappointed. I even spent some time blaming myself. I have found my overall experience with taking medications really draining and time-consuming. I feel as if I am trying, and even doing everything I should, but it’s just not paying off. One method that I have tried in the past on my hospital visit before this one was ECT, and I did find that somewhat effective, but the results were not long-lasting enough. And, after reading about the experiences of those who get regular sessions of ECT, I worry about the possible effects it would have on my long-term memory if I was to go down that route. If there were any negative side-effects within this vein, it would be incompatible with the way in which I want to live my life, including my career goals.

While I was in the hospital, I was referred to a centre that specialised in Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT). I have read about DBT previously, and wanted to try it out when I received a previous diagnosis of Borderline “tendencies” in Norway, however, as I lived in a small town, there were no DBT groups available nearby, and so my therapist gave me a booklet to read up on it on my own. I had also previously stumbled upon the therapist that founded DBT (Marsha Linehan) when I was studying my Bachelor of Psychology. She later admitted that she actually had been diagnosed with BPD herself, and so DBT was a hodge-podge of different therapies and western and eastern practices that had worked for her. I thought the refterral would take longer to process than it did, but it was processed more-or-less straight away after I came out of hospital. I attended the three commitment meetings and was successfully offered a place, and, after all that I had heard and read, was excited to begin. But six weeks in, I feel let down. 

Let me preface what I am about to say by stating that I think there is a lot of good methods to help tackle negative feelings that DBT offers, but a lot of the skills surrounding self-care are competencies I already possess (and so nothing new). There are also some aspects of DBT that are just not really relevant to me specifically, but that’s alright. If I look at it as more tools I can fill my emotional toolbox with, not everything is going to fit. I enjoy and aim for self-improvement, and this is what attracted me to DBT in the first place. On the other hand, I am an analytical person who enjoys testing concepts and seeing if there are any potential flaws in what I am learning, and the method of delivery of the current program I am in doesn’t seem to leave room or space for that. I am finding aspects of DBT condescending, basic, and invalidating. I don’t feel that my prior knowledge or skills are being acknowledged as strengths I am bringing to the table that I can build upon. It is almost as I, along with the rest of the group, am being treated as if I am clueless, and that the therapists and coaches involved in the DBT group sessions are the autocratic, absolute experts on everything we should be doing and what we are doing “wrong,” something that I feel is quite harsh given that most who suffer from BPD also have C-PTSD, or, conversely, that those with C-PTSD can often be misdiagnosed with BPD. After researching some more, I have found that I am not alone in these misgivings. 

I decided to share some of my criticisms just this morning with my individual coach. We met at a cafe near where I live, after I dropped the kids off at school. Towards the end of the session, she asked me directly if I ever felt she had invalidated me in our individual sessions. I decided to be honest and tell her that I had felt that. I have only just started acknowledging past trauma, some of which occurred years ago, to both myself and my therapists. It’s mostly because I feel that it is time to do so, because the thoughts and feelings were coming up more and more regularly, intrusively and involuntarily, to the point where I feel like I can’t ignore them anymore. Three weeks ago, I disclosed to my coach in an individual session about the trauma and sexual abuse I had experienced via school bullying. I told her that she had laughed briefly after I had told her about a boy who had pinched my bottom in front of the whole grade on a dare when I was was 13, and said I didn’t blame her, maybe she laughed out of surprise, but when I also told her that she had, in the same conversation, told me not to worry about “stupid school” (her exact words), she denied having said that to me at all, and got quite defensive. 

She even said that perhaps I had just “experienced it that way,” and just refused to acknowledge that she had said that at all. I felt so gaslighted,so triggered (my mother tried to gaslight me all the time) and am now unsure whether I will continue with DBT. I left really shaken up, which was tough as I had had a really rough week and had actually woken up in a good mood, and had to then work really hard to turn my thoughts back around again. Upon reflection, I think the coaches are badly trained and unprofessional. This might be what is making the delivery sub-par. Maybe it’s just yet another case of “you get what you pay for.” Now, the question is, do I continue, and just try to focus on implementing the skills, instead of worrying about my obvious personality clash with the therapists and coaches involved? Sigh.

Now, to address the Asperger’s diagnosis: I actually feel it is a good fit. She got in an expert who took me through the diagnostic criteria before giving me the diagnosis, and, for the first time in a long time, I felt validated. I have been doing a lot of reading since receiving my diagnosis, and have found a number of interesting facts about females with Asperger’s, such as they are more likely to be overlooked for diagnosis compared to that of boys, as they do not present with the same symptoms, and are often misdiagnosed with (interestingly) Bipolar, BPD, or even OCD, because it was (until recently) considered a diagnosis exclusively reserved for boys. They are overlooked because they tend to be great social mimics (as females generally are more socialised than men), which masks the symptoms and difficulties females with ASD face. I believe that one of the reasons for my life-long fascination with human behaviour (to the point that I decided to study it), is due to my desire to fit in, when I have always felt different. I have, as my husband has also observed, a number of special interests that I enjoy talking about at length in social settings, and often fail to pick up on the social cues of boredom in the individuals I am talking to. But, that’s alright. It is part of the diagnosis. I am working on it. I might not ever get there, but that is alright too. In my research on the subject, I found a delightful blog from Tania Marshall, as well as her book, entitled “I am Aspien Woman,” which discusses the unique struggles of females with Asperger’s. The blurb to the book states: “Have you ever wondered about a friend, a partner, a mother, sister or daughter? Wondered why she says she feels 'different'? Out of step with her peers, she may struggle keeping friends and a job, yet she has multiple degrees. Bright from early on, she may have singleminded focus, sprinkles of anxiety, sensory and social issues, be gifted in art, writing, science, research or singing. Maybe she is a woman on the Autism spectrum, with a unique constellation of super-abilities, strengths and challenges?” I relate to all of this. I was a precocious reader with an eidetic memory from an early age. I have multiple degrees, and am creative, but struggle in social situations. It’s who I am, and I accept it. When I told my GP, who also closely follows my mental health progress, that my current psychologist has diagnosed me with Asperger’s, she dismissively stated that “everybody is different - we are all on the spectrum” - to which I have to say - what a load of crap. There is different, and there is different. I have always been a person that marches to the beat of her own drum, sometimes to my detriment. But it’s just how I am.

So, what if I don’t have BPD, or Bipolar, but rather “just” Asperger’s? I am high-functioning, so I can understand that it took a long time to identify it, but, on the other hand, it feels as if going through all of the struggles I have been through could have been prevented if only I had had a therapist that was skilled enough to really listen to me, to pick up the signs, and to validate me. I am hoping I have that now with my current psychologist, and am looking forward to working together with her toward a brighter future where I can accept myself and also work on my issues in a safe space.

After years of not sharing my thoughts or being as assertive as I want to be, I have found that recently I have been coming out of my shell in this respect, and those around me aren’t liking it. Apart from the example above, on the day I was leaving the hospital, there were a series of delays concerning my release, that, when they all added up, frustrated me so much, I had to say something. I sometimes think that those in the so-called “caring” professions abuse their power. Whether it’s bad training, an authoritative personality, or other traits that are, in my opinion, not suited to these professions that are the cause, it is a dilemma which is vital to address. Of course, #notalltherapists. But, in my long-standing experience with mental health services, and as a psychology graduate myself, it is enough to cause concern. Too often, patients are discounted because of what’s wrong with them, dismissed because the health professional believes themselves to know better, or put into the “too hard” basket for so-called “difficult” behaviour. But what needs to be acknowledged is that the person that is standing in front of them is there because they are seeking help, and should be looked at as an individual, and not necessarily by the box the therapist wants to fit them into. More duty of care, more empathy, and more acknowledgement, is needed.

[dixbolik-lovers]

i- i showed a friend your drawings of the Girls of Virtue and told her the premise and all what you have told us and she’s now all excited and is always asking me more about them and i just- she’s constantly nagging me and asking me stuff so would you do me (and her) a favor and give us some spice info about the Girls in general as to feed her (our) thirst ¿

!!!!! THANK!!!! :O Please tell her that the both of you can ask me things as often as you want!!! I made this awful excited squeaking noise when I read this, so THANK YOU SO MUCH~!!!

And as for info…. hmm… what kind of things would you like to know? I have a list of cute/interesting facts right here, but I definitely have more!! I guess I’ll make an expanded fact list, and you can send me more questions if there’s anything else you want to know :3

Under a cut because HUGE LIST o3o

Judgement: 

-She has a strong sense of drama, and loves being showy. She likes feeling like the star of the show. 

-She has traits resembling Bipolar and BPD, for reasons that I can’t explain without spoiling things. 

-She lives in a church because she thinks it’s majestic. The building was already there when she arrived in the World of Fog, but she used her powers to shape it to her liking… which is sort of horrifying. 

-Her “magic” (basically just telekinesis), is the strongest of the group; strong enough that she’s capable of leveling towns. 

-She has two, black tongues in each of her three mouths. 

-Each of her mouths speak with its own voice. She controls all of them, but they each sound a bit different. She’s more than capable of having conversations with herself, funnily enough. 

-She hides it well, but she has a massive need for attention and love. Demanding fear from people is the only way she knows how to show it. 

-She hates abandonment more than anything, and would kill someone before letting them defy her. 

-She has quite the god complex. 

-She loves order and bossing people around, and is happiest when she has followers obeying her every command. Being looked up to and feared makes her feel powerful and in control. 

Jealousy:

-She has a major self hatred problem, to the point where she thinks she’s pathetic and unlovable. 

-She’s stolen things from all of the other Girls out of spite, and everyone knows she does it. These things are kept in a small collection in one of the abandoned houses because she can’t bring herself to throw them away. 

-She’s the shortest of the Girls, at 4′10. 

-She wears fine clothes, and likes to look important. She’ll go out of her way to find and make nice things, even in the World of Fog. 

-When she wants to impress someone, she’s a natural flatterer. Jealousy is very good at making people feel good about themselves, even if she only bothers with it when she’s plotting something. 

-Her eyes give her 360 vision, and being able to see so much makes her rather paranoid. No one has ever managed to sneak up on her. 

-She thinks she’s ugly, mostly because of her small, skinny body. 

-She’s very proud of being the second oldest of the Girls, and lords her self-proclaimed superiority over them at every chance she gets. 

-Her eyes are very sensitive to bright light, and she’s fond of dark places. Too much light gives her headaches. 

-All four of her arms are good at small, delicate work. She’s amazing with fine motor control, and would greatly enjoy sewing and other tiny crafts if she ever got the chance to try them. 

-She hates every one of the other girls, and would turn on them in an instant if given the chance.

Selfishness: 

-She’s the tallest of the Girls at 5′9. 

-She has no volume control when it comes to her voice, and tends to shout when she’s excited or angry. 

-She loves heights, and tends to get herself into high places for the fun of it. Power lines and tall buildings are her favorites, but she’ll happily perch anywhere where she can feel above everyone. 

-Her claws make her hands clumsy, and she can’t do anything with small details. She breaks most of the things she touches. 

-However, she’s very athletic, and her body is coordinated and graceful. Physically, she’s among the strongest of the Girls. 

-She’s rather stupid, especially when it comes to thinking ahead. 

-She never thinks of how her actions affect other people, and even when she’s not trying to be mean, will wind up hurting others out of ignorance. 

-The closest thing to a home she has is what appears to be an abandoned power plant a ways outside the main town. She plays among the wires and towers, and considers the area her personal territory. 

-She loves violence, and adores the idea of killing humans, thinking that she’ll be remembered in their world if she hurts enough of them.

-She can’t stand being seen at anything less than perfect. 

-She’s dimwitted and self-centered, to the point where she barely remembers the names of the other girls, save Judgement. 

-She’s a bit of a sadist, and loves seeing other people squirm. 

Cruelty: 

-She has an amazing memory, and is excellent at solving problems. She remembers every little detail of the things around her, and puzzles and memorization problems are her speciality. 

-She’s very attentive to detail, and is surprisingly intelligent. 

-She’s bitten the majority of the other Girls before, which, considering her mouth, is far from a pleasant experience. 

-Her mouth stretches up to her ears, and blood drools out of it when she talks. Everything she wears winds up messy with it. 

-Her hair is a matted disaster. A brush would probably stick in it. 

-Even though she’s one of the smaller Girls, she’s very physically strong. She likes pushing around weaker people, and tends to be very physical. Biting and shoving are even how she’d try to show affection. 

-She’s very impulsive, and tends to make stupid, violent decisions without thinking about the consequences first. 

-She’s very high-spirited, and filled with wild, intense emotions. Nothing ever brings her down for very long. 

-Judgement is the only thing that legitimately terrifies her. 

-She has no particular love for herself– or anything else, and all she really cares about is having fun.

-She’s very rough and crude, and the majority of things that come out of her mouth are somehow hateful or offensive. 

-Her laugh is remarkably annoying. 

Vanity:

-She loves flowers, and is disappointed that none grow in the World of Fog. 

-She’s extremely socially awkward, and has absolutely no idea how to talk to people without putting them down. 

-Her face appears to be a mask of some kind. She never shows much emotion, and if she smiles or shows too much, it will crack like it’s made of porcelain. The cracks can heal, but no one ever sees her while they’re there. 

-Her cheeks are permanently flushed pink, and her lips are a vivid red without any kind of makeup. 

-She wears ankle length robes, long sleeves, gloves, and a high collar, as well as having her hair curl in close to her face. No one has ever seen more of her than the face she shows the world. 

-The other Girls are convinced that she’s ugly underneath everything. 

-She’s a loner who can’t stand putting up with others. Surprisingly, she doesn’t need much attention, and is perfectly happy going off by herself. The attention of others is more likely to annoy her than flatter her. 

-She’s not very strong physically, but she’s intelligent and rather agile. 

-She’s very demanding, with a strict, stuck-up personality. She practically expects the people around her to serve her, and gets angry when they don’t. 

-Her personality is rather lazy, and she hates doing things that don’t actively benefit her in some way. 

-She can stare at her own reflection for hours on end. 

Hysteria:

-She’s very active and athletic, and never stays still for long. She gets antsy and uncomfortable when she has to sit still for any period of time. 

-No one in the Girls of Virtue likes her very well, but Hysteria likes being around them because they pay attention to her. She’s aware that she’s hated, and enjoys every second of it. 

-She’s almost always covered in open wounds and other injuries. 

-She adores any kind of attention, be it positive or negative. As long as people are looking at her, she’s happy. It doesn’t matter a bit if they hate her or hurt her, as long as every bit of attention is hers and hers alone. 

-Her durability and regeneration are exceptional, even on par with Judgement’s. There’s a chance she might be sort of immortal. 

-She’s very excitable and intense, and frequently yells and waves her hands around. She’s prone to exaggerated movements and lots of motion. 

-She’s not very smart, but her thoughts move quickly… usually in circles. 

-She’s very, very willing to make a fool of herself for attention. 

-Everything always has to be about her. She can’t stand so much as a conversation where she’s not the center of attention. 

-Deep down, she’s highly insecure. Attention is the only thing she has to live for, and she feels close to disappearing when people aren’t looking at her. Being ignored makes her panic. 

-She has some dissociation issues, and tends to feel like she’s not real. 

Negativity: 

-She’s very clumsy and accident-prone, and breaks things frequently. She shouldn’t be trusted alone with anything important. 

-She has a habit of biting her nails to the point of blood. 

-She holds one-sided, bitter conversations with herself when she’s alone, usually because she feels weird without something to complain about. 

-She has a love for order and organization, and is very good at coming up with systems and plans. She likes having things in their proper place, and would enjoy cleaning and organizing; the more complex, the better!

-Her hair is long enough that it tends to get tangled up in things. Many of the other girls also like to pull it. 

-Her eyes are brilliant red, and glow in the dark. 

-She spits up thorns when she talks, and those thorns are very painful. She almost always has at least some blood around her mouth. 

-She’s extremely skinny, and gets cold easily because of it. She tends to carry herself hunched over and huddled in on herself. 

-Her entire personality is pessimistic, and she never sees the good in anything. She tries to drag other people down with her because she feels so bad, and hates seeing people have the happiness she can’t. 

-One of her talents is making people cry. 

Manipulation:

-She has a surprisingly good sense of humor, and when she’s not trying to be mean, she’s rather good at telling jokes. 

-She’s extremely eloquent and good with words. Unfortunately, she mostly uses this skill to twist people into doing her bidding.  

-Her hair appears to be similar to vines, and it’s prehensile. She can tie people up with locks of it, and often uses this as a way to keep others from getting away from her. She has feeling in her hair as well. 

-She has a habit of sticking things in her mouths when she’s bored. 

-She loves when people underestimate her, because it makes it easier to get her way in the end. 

-She’s a near pathological liar, and will tell lies simply for the sake of misleading someone. It’s difficult for her to tell the truth by now, and she has a terrible time of ever expressing her genuine feelings. 

-She’s a little bit afraid of being alone in dark places. 

-She needs entertainment at all times, and can’t stand emptiness or boredom. 

-She cries for attention frequently, and her tears are made of blood. She loves convincing people to feel sorry for her. 

-She’s rather hyperactive, and loves doing things that she sees as fun. She loves new things and new people, and humans especially fascinate her. 

Obsession: 

-She adores physical contact, but she can’t touch anyone without hurting them. That doesn’t stop her from trying, though, and her objects of affection are likely to wind up rather bloody from her attempts at being loving. 

-She’s good with words, but her speech tends to run in confusing circles. Her brain moves faster than her mouth can keep up with. 

-She likes tying pretty things into her hair, like fabric and bits of string or glass. 

-She has a large hole in her chest, about where her heart should be. It leaks blood constantly, and she often tries to shove objects into it to fill it up. She always has the feeling that something is missing because of it. 

-She’s very single-minded, and has trouble focusing on more than one thing at a time. Once she’s zoned in on something, nothing can stop her. 

-She gets crushes easily, and loves strongly, but her love fades as soon as she realizes that the person she’s fixated on won’t fill the void inside of her. As quickly as she falls for someone, that love turns to hate. 

-When she first came to the World of Fog, she had a crush on Selfishness. 

-She’s claimed one of the houses in the main town for herself, and she fills it with stolen things from the other girls, fawning over the little pieces of them that she manages to take for herself.

-Her emotions seem strong, but she’s very hollow inside. 

-She has a love-hate relationship with the other girls, where she adores the idea of them, but can’t stand their real selves.

Cowardly: 

-She picks at her skin when she’s nervous, to the point of herself with open wounds. She’s scratched down to bone before. 

-She’s very sensitive to light and sound, and gets overwhelmed easily. She can’t stand noisy or crowded places, and very nearly shuts down when she’s faced with something she can’t handle. 

-Her skin is rough and sharp. At its smoothest, it’s the texture of sandpaper, but there are small, jagged spikes along the rougher parts. 

-Her clothes get ruined easily because of her sharp skin, and she never keeps anything for very long. 

-She has claws like Selfishness, and hurts anyone that gets close to her. 

-She suffers from minor hallucinations, most frequently featuring monsters just outside of her field of vision. She tends to hear things that aren’t there as well, and is generally very paranoid. 

-She’s not exactly smart, but she is highly perceptive. She’s good at reading people, and catches onto things quickly. 

-She’s very two-faced, and only shows the parts of herself that earn favor. 

-She tends to be vengeful, and may be plotting something against the other girls who have harmed her.

-She likes small, dark places, and is often compared to a rat or other vermin because of it. She detests those nicknames viciously. 

Avoidance: 

-She likes playing with her hair, and often styles it when bored. She’d like to mess with other people’s hair too, but knows that no one would ever allow it. 

-She has no eyes. The skin where they should be is smooth and empty, like there were never any eyes there in the first place. She’s completely blind, but somehow gets around without her sight. 

-She likes wearing high heels because they make her feel important. 

-She’s childish, and surprisingly easy to please. Just listening to her and acting like she’s important makes her happy, and she’ll easily latch onto those that try to get close to her… even if her behavior never really improves. 

-Her voice is very shrill, and demands attention from those who hear it. 

-She’s the dumbest of the Girls, and simply blocks out anything that she doesn’t want to think of. She’s ignorant and self-centered, and never thinks that she could be wrong about anything. 

-She’s very lazy, and hates doing things for anyone but herself. 

-She’s a terrible influence on the people around her, and anyone who stays with her for too long starts to act in the same awful ways. 

-Her favorite place in the World of Fog is an abandoned playground. 

-She’s tall and strong, and uses her strength to bully others into doing what she says… then dumps all the responsibility onto them once she gets bored. 

-She tends towards throwing fits and temper tantrums. 

Inconsistency: 

-She has a self harm problem, and her body is covered with self-inflicted scars and wounds. She barely feels the pain, however. 

-She cries a lot, mostly to try to get other people to pity her. 

-She loves humans, and finds their world fascinating. The human world is so much more entertaining and exciting than the World of Fog, and she’d live in it in a heartbeat if she ever could. 

-Tied with Avoidance, she’s the second tallest of the Girls at 5′8. 

-She’s a shapeshifter, but the process of changing herself is painful, slow and bloody. She does it anyway, though, and is always gaining or losing new features when they start to bore her. 

-She has no sense of identity, and is always dissatisfied with herself. 

-Her emotions are wild and out of control, and she feeds off of the pity and attention of others. She’ll change herself completely if she thinks it will gets someone else to care for her. 

-Up until very recently, she copied Judgement’s appearance, wearing red skin and an extra mouth to seem powerful. 

-She has a short temper, wild, uncontrollable emotions, and a strong desire to always be surrounded by others.

-She can’t stand being alone, and is empty without people to impress. 

-She’s blunt, indelicate, and violent, with hair-trigger temper, and will smack around anyone weaker than her.

Secrecy: 

-Her skin is very thin and soft, to the point where you can see the veins under her skin, and she bruises and cuts very easily. 

-She loves learning new things, and if she could ever swallow her pride, would greatly appreciate being read to. 

-She has three eyes, but all of them are white and blind. She’s about 80% blind, and while she can make out vague shapes and light, she can’t see any colors or detail to the world around her. 

-Her mouth is sewn with wire, and she can only barely talk. 

-She usually wears a long cape– the darkest part of her outfit. Said cape is big enough for her to hide in, and she frequently does so when she’s alone, blocking out the world outside of it. 

-She’s sensible and practical, with a reclusive, introverted personality that clashes horribly with most of the other Girls. 

-She’s rather lazy, and doesn’t like to go out of her way to help other people.

-She lacks all forms of empathy, and while she’s capable of sympathy, she never bothers with feeling such soft things for anyone. 

-She loses her temper easily. When angry, she’s highly passive aggressive, and tends to be vengeful towards anyone who has wronged her. 

-She loves knowing things that the people around her don’t. 

-Her magic is the second-strongest of the group, falling behind only Judgement. She uses it as her main form of sensory information, and prefers to move things with her mind, rather than her body. 

Beginning: 

-She loves sunshine, and hates how dark the World of Fog is. 

-She has a rather short temper, but is usually too nervous to express it. When she does get angry, it only lasts for a few minutes before she’s back to normal. 

-She’s excellent at comforting people, and is the only one of the Girls who has any idea how to interact with someone without being violent. She’s good at being gentle, and loves helping others. 

-Her eyes are brown– a unique color among the Girls. None of the rest have any color on them but black, grey, white, and the occasional red. 

-She has something of a stutter, and it gets worse when she’s nervous. 

-She tends to apologize too much, and can be a pushover when she’s afraid to upset someone. That said, when she does dig her heels in, she’s terrifyingly stubborn, and will persevere until she gets her way.

-She adapts to change well, and instead of being fearful or resistent, tends to be excited to see what the future has in store for her. 

-She can be too naive, and often falls for obvious farces just because she wants to hope someone is good.

-She’s stronger than many of the other Girls, and could keep up with the majority of them, but she’s too gentle and unsure to express it. Many of the others have no idea that she’s just as strong as they are. 

-Her voice is soft and rather low-pitched.