#and we went to others afterwards but one of the friends was like ‘kinda wish we hadn’t gone there’ which like. is this my fault? no.

[noramoons]

good evening i am. Very drunk. how is evrryone doing

[delulu-with-wandanat]

Tainted Past

Reader Description: he/they, masculine titles, early 20s.

Pairings: Wanda Maximoff x Masculine!Reader

A/n: So this was inspired while I was playing around in Character.ai (I was being delulu as usual), so I guess shoutout to the creator of Mature!Wanda ai for kickstarting my brain again. I haven't write in a while guys pls be nice :')

Warnings: No warnings for now actually, maybe sadge Wanda, Wanda lowkey being bullied.

Summary: Years have passed since Westview and Wanda finally has the chance to settle down and live the normal she had always yearned for. However, that comes with a challenge as many were still wary of her. Along the way she met a young man in his early 20s, whom took pity on the witch despite all odds.

ᗢ----------ᗢ

It was a huge deal when rumors spread about the infamous Scarlet Witch moving into their town. The same witch that brought upon destructions and chaos, the one who enslaved a whole town. The one that the Dracula from Hotel Transylvania would describe as,

"-Nutsy Cuckoo!" Y/n snorted at their friend's description of the witch, "She's a total nutjob, I'm telling you. She went berserk for kids she DIDN'T even have."

"And afterwards went after a child, no, a literal CHILD!" Their other friend added, "Who happens to be America Chavez, who ended up teaming up with her as well. Hence why she's able to even live freely back into society."

"That's crazy..." Y/n said while shaking his head. The were all sitting their usual cafe, gossiping about their latest neighbor.

"I heard she lives across the street from you. Hey, at least she's a hot MILF right?" Their friend Magdalena joked, which made her receive a cookie thrown at her face.

"Shut up, Lena." She only snorted. As both of his friends were snickering, the two of them stopped and their eyes trailed something behind him.

"What?"

"Speak of the devil..." Victor said as he had a little bit of a disgusted look.

Y/n turned around, and there she was. The Scarlet Witch. She hasn't been seen on any media for the past few years, the last time she was seen, she had a long auburn hair, and was wearing her suit. The look she had right now was a striking contrast to her last appearance on the media.

She had cut her hair, it was now dyed blonde, and she was wearing a casual civilian clothes. Y/n felt shivers running down their spine as painful memories flooded his mind.

"She really wants to be normal, huh?" Victor said under his breath.

"I mean... she's kinda-" Victor elbowed Magdalena on her ribs before she could finish her sentence. Giving her a look that says 'don't'.

The whole cafe went silent when she entered the shop, she awkwardly said 'hi' before making her way to the queue. Everything else was a little bit of a blur for Y/n, as for some reason their heart started beating rapidly. Their fist clenched to the point his friend had to snap him out of his thoughts.

"I'm fine." Y/n responded with a faux smile before focusing his attention outside the window. He couldn't help but to focus on Wanda's voice when she ordered.

"I would like something to drink please." He heard Wanda speak, there was a beat of silence.

"Coffee? Tea?" The barista responded, soundingly uninterested and rude. Seems like the Barista wasn't a huge fan of Wanda, as normally the Barista was always so kind to Y/n and his friends.

"O-oh! Coffee, please." Another silence, "Cappucino, hot."

"That'll be $4.50." She could be heard rummaging through her purse and took out a some money to pay.

"I'm assuming you would need my name-"

"We know." The barista said rather coldly. Wanda could be heard clearing her throat nervously and waited for her order. It didn't take long before they called out, "Cappucino for Scarlet Witch."

Y/n glances at the bar, they noticed how tense she was upon hearing her title. The title she wishes everyone would forget. She gave a forced smile before turning and walking back to the exit. Seems like she was nervous, and then the worst possible thing could happen to someone happened to her...

Her purse got stuck on the door handle as she was about to walk out, causing her to spill her beverage. "Shit!" She cursed.

Y/n's two friends couldn't handle their snort upon seeing the tragedy. Wanda glances at them and awkwardly laughs, "Silly me." She says before hastily walking away from the shop.

"She is just adapting well to us mere mortals." Victor said sarcastically.

As much as Y/n wasn't exactly fond of the witch (for personal reasons), they did felt... a hint of sympathy towards her. He looked outside and saw her seemingly cursing at herself for the embarrassing encounter at the cafe.

Oh she's going to take a while to adapt...

ᗢ----------ᗢ

Y/n looked down at the notes their sister sent them and walked down the aisle to find the item. What seem to be a simple errand turned into a full blown grocery shopping, that bitch.

I just wanted to buy some ramen...

He picked up a bunch of items his sisters needed, and picked a pack of ramen for himself. While he was on the cereal section he heard that familiar voice again.

"Hi, ma'am, do you know where I could- O-oh, yes, that's alright have a good day!" He turns his attention to her direction, from the customers to the staff, they were all ignoring her existence. She visibly sighed and gave up on asking people. That's... what she deserves I guess.

He only saw her again as he was about to pay, they were queued just behind her. Crap.

"Sorry ma'am, we take cash only, the machine is broken at the moment." The cashier told her.

"I... I don't have any cash on me right now." She nervously laughs, "Are you sure? Because the customer before-"

"Look if you don't have cash you can pay with apple pay." Seems like the cashier just wanted to torment her, which she did as Wanda sighed in frustration.

"I don't- I don't have that set up on my phone yet." The cashier only shrugged their shoulders. "Fine. How much was-"

"$27.60" Wanda started rummaging through her purse again, desperately trying to find some cash left. She found... $5, ok that's a start. $10, ok we're getting there.

"Hey come on, lady! You're holding up the line!" The guy behind Y/n yelled, making Wanda panic slightly. Y/n closed his eyes, ugh fuckin-

They opened their eyes again, and Wanda was still hastily searching her bag as people got increasingly annoyed at her. They closed their eyes, agh Jesus fucking christ I better go to heaven for this-

"Ok, is there any-" Wanda's sentence was cut off when hand puts down a $50 dollar bill to pay for her checkout.

"You can just pay me back later." Wanda wanted to refuse, but she internally sighed in relief. The cashier gave Y/n the change and Wanda thanked them with the brightest smile. "Don't mention it." They said giving her a polite smile.

As Wanda walked out of the store, she took another glance at the young boy and smiled to herself. She made a mental note to find the youth later on.

ᗢ----------ᗢ

They didn't understand why they had to be so sympathetic to the psycho witch, especially after everything she had put them through. Everyone was doing just fine ignoring her presence, in fact, Y/n had the biggest right out of them all to ignore that crazy, wacko, mentally unstable-

"There you are!"

A familiar voice made Y/n whipped their head to the direction. Oh no... Don't tell me she thinks we're basically friends now. Wanda walked up to him with a smile, Y/n had a natural instinct to tense up. Just the sight of her, made him clenched his jaw.

"I just wanted to properly say thank you." She said, rubbing her hand nervously. She wore a simple red t-shirt, and jeans. Wanda looked like any normal civilian. If you had lived in a cave, unaware of the outside world, the idea that Wanda is capable of such chaos and destruction wouldn't cross your mind. "And uh... for your trouble."

Wanda then handed him cash of what she owes him. He looked at the money and then her. "This is.... $30"

"Oh you can keep it all." The witch said with a slight shake in her voice, she then cleared her throat. "U-unless you prefer it to be precise I can-" She pulled out her phone from her pocket. "I can use that uh... that app, Vimeo?"

Y/n couldn't help but to let out a chuckle, "Venmo. Vimeo is a like a... it's like Youtube." Am I really talking with this lady?

"Ah... Right, right, I... I knew that." She looked at her phone with confused look on her face. Wanda then let out a soft laugh. "Well imagine my confusion."

"Well, thank you. I could definitely use the extra $2." Y/n said with a smile.

"I should be thanking you." Wanda responded, she bit her lip slightly, wanting to continue the conversation with what it seems like the only person who sees her as a human. "I'm Wanda, by the way, Wanda Maximoff." She hold out her hand awkwardly.

"I uhm- I'm your new neighbor, but I- I'm sure you knew that already." She let out a nervous laugh.

Y/n didn't want to talk to the witch any longer than needed, sharing name would mean they were on first name basis. But if there's anything Y/n hated more... Being left hanging when you hold out your had.

"Y/n, nice to meet you, Wanda."

Wanda noticeably beamed at the fact that they didn't just brushed her off.

"Well I should be heading back. I live just across from you." Shit! Why did I say that??

"Oh then I hope to see more of you!" Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckity-

"Yeah, see you around, Mrs. Maximoff." He said politely, giving her a smile and crossed the street to his house. He internally cursed at himself. Idiot!

Wanda turned around smiling to herself. I made a friend...

---

For the next few weeks, Wanda never fails to greet them whenever she happens to see Y/n pass. She did that to everyone, of course, but no one ever really bothers to respond. Y/n desperately wanted to avoid her, but it was difficult as she continuously try to interact with everyone. Which... to be honest was quite sad.

He doesn't know why he felt bad, but seeing the woman trying so desperately to join society and no one giving her a chance was such a depressing sight to see. Not that Y/n should care, she shouldn't have done what she did. But...

Ugh... It doesn't take much for him to be polite at least.

So Y/n started to return her polite greetings. Whenever he sees her watering her flowers, she greet him with a wave and a smile. And Y/n does the same. They had to admit, seeing her so happy that someone responded was... kind of cute.

Eugh...

It went on for a while, so you could say they were on a friendly term. And Y/n had no plans on furthering that relationship. At least by choice.

"Hi there, Y/n!" She greeted with her usual smile and wave. It had been about 2 months since she lived here. "How's your morning jog?"

"Hi, Mrs. Maximoff. Uh... It was alright, nice weather today."

"I agree. Say, you fancy joining a party? I'm having a housewarming party this evening, you should come. There will be plenty of food." She asked with hopeful eyes.

"Uh..." Say no, say no, what the fuck are you- SAY NO. "I'll have to see, ma'am. I have a pretty packed schedule today."

Wanda tried to hide her disappointment as much as she could. She had heard tons of those excuses for days now, at least he was polite about his rejection. "That's alright, darling! I'm just across the road if you change your mind. And feel free to bring some friends!"

"I'll keep that in mind, Mrs. Maximoff. See you around!" Y/n said before going back to their house. They leaned on the closed door and sighed. Their sister looked at them expectantly.

"She invited you as well?" She said with a raised eyebrow.

Y/n sighed before answering, "Yeah..."

"I don't know why she even bothers. Not like anyone would take her up for it." His sister said dismissively as she went back to the living room, settling on the couch.

Y/n joins her and grabs the remote, "Maybe she has change."

"You've got to be one mentally ill fucker to say that, especially coming from you." She added, waiting for him to pick a movie. "Did she hex you or something-"

"I'm perfectly fine." Y/n sighed. "I just... Look she does seems like some woman who's trying to live a normal life."

"But she's not a woman, Y/n. She's a monster." She rubs her temple. "A lot of people gone mad in Westview, I'm sure you remember."

"How could I forget..."

"She could try all she wants, but I won't give her the benefit of the doubt. And I won't stop you if you decide too..." They looked at their sister who smiles at him gently. "The beauty of it is that you have a choice now, none of her victims did."

He looked at the floor, his sister could see the gears in his head moving.

"Though I have to say you are one mad son of a bitch if you did."

ᗢ----------ᗢ

I am one mad son of a bitch.

They thought to themselves as they rang her doorbell. I could still change my mind right? I can run-

"I'll be right there!"

Fuck!

Wanda opens the door, delighted to greet her guest. "Y/n! So glad you could make it."

"Hi, Mrs. Maximoff." They took in her dress, well she does look good. "You look stunning."

Wanda gave him a smile, "Thank you. Please, come in!"

They entered the house, it was cozy, small, homey, there were very little pictures hung up. They did notice one family picture, and what it looks like and old frame of her and her late brother. Her informations was easy to find on the internet, yes Y/n did their research.

The house was decorated for party mode. There was some snack on the table, fruit punch, and a few other things. However, it was missing a key ingredient...

"Sorry, am I early?" He turned to Wanda.

Wanda sighed, "Early is uh... one way to put it. You're the first one here the others must've been late. They said they'll stop by." She puts on a reassuring smile, but Y/n had a feeling she must've felt devastated.

And in fact, Wanda was. This housewarming party was her attempt to prove herself to the neighborhood that she was in fact not a threat, maybe make some friends... But no matter, she had one guest now.

"Take a seat!" She said enthusiastically, "Would you like something to drink?"

"Yeah sure, I'll get some fruit punch, looks really refreshing." The two settled down on the couch, there was a moment of awkward silent between them.

If there's one thing Y/n couldn't take, it was that.

"Here." They passed her the gift bag they had brought for her. "It's an old record player I had lying around, I don't ever use it anymore and I thought it would go with uh..." He searched for the right words, "Someone of your generation?"

Wanda took the gift with a smile and gave him a funny look, "You make it sounds like I'm old." She said jokingly. "But thank you. You didn't have too, but I appreciate it."

It was a red colored Crosley turntable. It was portable, and had a built in speaker. Her heart swelled at their gesture. "There's some vinyls in there as well, I hope you like the Beatles."

"I love the Beatles."

"I'll help you set it up." He said with a kind smile. Wanda decided to put the record player in her living room, perhaps some tune would help set up the mood. They plugged it in and Y/n made her choose the album. Wanda scanned the various albums, looking at the front cover and the back with a smile on her face.

She puts on one album and the song 'Twist and Shout' started to play. "Now this is a party." Wanda said, earning a chuckle from the youth. She then lightly bop her head into the song, twisting her legs like one of those old style dance. For a second she seems to lost her self into the music.

Y/n had always seen Wanda in... sort of a negative light. But seeing her smiling, dancing, just interacting with her on a more personal level... They were starting to see Wanda in an entirely new light.

The woman then turns to face the youth, she had a bright smile on her face as she made a 'come here' motion to him. "Not much of a dancer?"

They let out a laugh and joined Wanda. "I'll have you know I'm an incredible dancer."

Music was the exact ice breaker that they needed, they wen't from keeping their distance to even occasionally twirling each other playfully. Y/n had to admit, he was having fun with the witch. Wanda had a contagious laugh, an intoxicating energy, a smile that could light up a whole room, and she was so so... beautiful-

Why am I thinking about her like this?

"So Y/n, tell something about yourself. I'd like to get to know my neighbors better." Wanda asked once the music ended and it started playing a much slower song in the albums. They sat on the couch with a snack dividing their space.

"Oh I'm just your typical fresh graduate, ma'am. Still trying to find where I'm gonna belong here in the workforce." Y/n responded with a dry chuckle.

"I'm sure you'll find your place." She look down at her drink with a small smile. "Friend of mine always said there's a place for everyone in the world."

The way she said it so softly, made tugged something inside Y/n's heart. She really is just trying to fit in the world like the rest of us.

"And you, ma'am? Who is Wanda Maximoff?" He asked teasingly, getting more comfortable with her each minute. He popped some chips in his mouth, anticipating her answer.

"Me? Oh you know... I'm a retired old psycho witch." She said jokingly.

Y/n couldn't help the snort that came out of them, "Sorry-" Ok. She's got humor.

Wanda laughs and waved him off, "Don't be." She thought for a second before answering properly. "Well... I'm sure my informations are out there. Former Avenger turned villain, was... a threat to humanity once, served my time of redemption and here I am."

"Those are old news." Y/n said. "I'm asking along the lines of, who is Wanda Maximoff. What does she do for fun?"

Wanda tilted her head at his question, tiny smile creeped onto her face. No one... ever really asked her that question before. Wanda took a drink of her fruit punch before answering.

"I..." She cleared her throat, "I enjoy reading in my spare time, I love gardening as you can tell." Y/n listen intently with a soft smile on their face. "I like board games, I have a few collection of those, and... cooking."

She finishes with a smile. "Not the answers you were expecting?"

"Yeah... I honestly expected potions brewing." Wanda bursted out laughing at his response. A genuine hearty laugh. "With cauldrons and everything." He said jokingly, trying to get more amusement out of her.

She's so cute when she laughs.

"Don't tell me you think witches do potions brewing do you?"

"They don't?!" He asked in an exaggerate tone, which amuses Wanda further as she shook her head still with a smile on her face.

She then leaned against the her seat. "Maybe some do."

"Did you also had a wand like Harry Potter?"

The two shared another laugh, and they fell into an easy conversation from there. Wanda learned that Y/n lives with their sister, his parents were retired in Vancouver, Canada. She made a mental note to travel there as it seems like a wonderful place to live. Y/n just recently graduated from University and had planned on moving to New York once they had saved enough money.

Y/n learned that Wanda was also fond of drawing, painting, anything art related. She drew flowers that she grew in her garden mostly, but she occasionally draws a portrait of people. And she was actually pretty good.

Wanda gave him a tour of the house, her kitchen was surprisingly well equipped. Her living room had a 4K flat screen TV. She shyly admits that she enjoys watching movies and shows so she wanted put a little more money on investing in a decent screen. Y/n couldn't judge, they binge watch Netflix all the time too.

The clock soon hits 11 o'clock and Y/n remains the only guest at her party. He felt pity on her, as he could see from all the drinks and food, she really went out of her way only for no one to show up. They would assumed that Wanda felt sad and depressed, but to quite honest, Wanda was so happy that even one person attend her party.

Y/n was kind and polite, they treated Wanda like she was their neighbor instead of some witch. She couldn't be more grateful.

They were playing a game of Jenga when she noticed how late it was. "It's getting late." She told him as he was pulling out a block of wood from the tower with pure concentration, he was even sticking out his tongue.

"Mhmmm... I just need to-" The tower then falls and he groaned in frustration. Wanda laughs at his adorable nature. "You did that on purpose, you just wanted to kick me out!" He jokingly accused her.

"I did not!" She playfully shoved his shoulder. Y/n helped her cleaned up the block of woods before being escorted to the front door by Wanda. "Thank you so much, Mrs. Maximoff. I had a really great time."

"Please, just Wanda." She smiled at him. "And I should be thank you. This is the most fun I've had in a long time."

"So did I." He smiled at her while stepping outside. "If you need anything, I'm just across the road. Don't hesitate to stop by."

"I will, thank you." She smiled sweetly at him. Y/n walked backwards while waving goodbye at her.

"And I want a rematch!" He said before finally turning around to walk back to his house. Wanda laughs saying 'Of course' under her breath and closed the door.

She leaned against the door and let out a happy sighed. I really made a friend!

Smut next chapter homie? 👀

[seuonji]

night shift ★彡 xu minghao

xu minghao x yn ln

彡when yn’s juniors finds trouble with some fellow college mates, yn goes through mountains just to get them justice, even if it means needing to infiltrate and make friends with the most intimidating clique on campus.

masterlist

#7 7th chance! | #8 wasted times! | # 9 yn’s boyfriend!

notes: there’s a writing part after the cut! <3 (1k words!)

you turned your phone off and redirected your attention to minghao and his friend that tagged along who’s name was…kwon soonyoung? you were mildly acquainted with both of then due to chan’s dance club but other than that, you really have never had a conversation with them so the walk to icey milk was ought to be interesting.

when they first approached you, minghao was quiet and cold as ever. perhaps that was just his default character. soonyoung on the other hand greeted you with such friendliness that it shocked you.

now you three were on the sidewalk making your way to icey milk.

awkwardly, you were walking beside minghao.

soonyoung walked on a faster pace so it were as if he was leading you two.

“so, what’s it like being vice yn!” soonyoung turned around, walking backwards as he asked.

you giggled at his eagerness, you’ve never met someone so interested in the role of a vice, “well, i kinda just do whatever the president tells us. but there is times i get to boss people around aswell.”

“you boss people around?” minghao suddenly chirped in.

“hard to believe?” you titled your head.

“not really,” he faced to the front again.

“i’ve always wanted to get acquainted with you guys, you all seemed like fun but i was scared it was prohibited.”

you held back your laugh, from the corner of your eye, you saw minghao doing the same. “like we’re celebrities or something? come on, it’s really nothing like that, we’re all students just like you,” you casually responded.

you caught the attention of minghao while your attention was on soonyoung. today he realised, you probably aren’t the snob-could be apart of the mean girls trio-obnoxious-not humble type of person he portrayed you be in his head. you were pretty decent and he could see himself being alone in a room with you without going insane.

but what was he thinking? it’s only been a 2 minute walk so far he could only judge so much.

“so i could totally just try and be friends with the student council?” soonyoung continued his questions. that one kind off took you aback, did he have some sort of student council addiction, why was this man so invested. but perhaps this interest could be an asset to you.

“of course! we don’t bite. actually jeonghan might but he’d only do it as a joke,” you joked.

“who’s jeonghan?” soonyoung tilted his head.

minghao snorted out a giggle, “so much for wanting to be friends with the student council.”

“ouf,” you blurted almost letting out a loud laugh. jeonghan always swore everyone knew who he was, you wish you caught what soonyoung said on tape.

you proceeded to give brief descriptions on everyone from student council but before you knew it, you reached icey milk. you parted ways with soonyoung. you think you made a good impression since soonyoung insisted that you and him should hangout again. that felt like an accomplishment!

soon enough, you and minghao went to the back to start work.

-

it was a slow day seeing as it was a weekday which allowed you and minghao to focus on training more today.

he trained you in ice cream scooping, the right way to wash the dishes and since icey milk also sold milkshakes, minghao was able to train you on that aswell.

“so that concludes your training, anything else just ask me,” he had a slight smile on his face.

you let out a breathe thankful for the zero mishaps that happened that day.

“thanks, mind if i take a break?”

“not at all, go ahead”

you were able to confide in the space of the employee room to text seungcheol. afterwards you shut your phone tired of the situation but laughed cause it was pretty funny.

you had your earphones in and looked up into the ceiling, letting your playlist run wild.

few songs had passed and you heard someone walk in. you lowered your volume down just in case someone spoke.

unbeknownst to you, minghao walked in and caught a glimpse of the song that was playing on your phone. it was showcased on your lock screen and he pointed it out.

��hey, you listen that artist too?”

it took you a bit too long to realise he was talking to you but you pulled out one of your earphones and you peeked at your screen. an artist song was playing, an artist you swore only you listened to. “yea, holy shit i’ve never met someone that knew them.”

“yea, they’re kinda underground.”

“i like them that way,” you giggled.

he had the same smile on his face as he laughed, “me too.”

huh, you two finally agreed on something.

he sat infront of you, going on his phone aswell.

this was your chance.

“did you hear they’re coming to town this year?”

“huh they are?” he placed his phone down giving you his full attention.

“yea! i mean it’s not a huge concert, it’s more like a live house but, would you go?”

“probably not, it would cost money i can’t spare,” he looked defeated.

your eyes grew bigger from the reality check as your plopped back into your chair, “that’s true.”

“i mean, we could just take the cash from the register and go,” he shrugged his shoulder and joked.

you let out a laugh, he was capable of making jokes? you swear he was a robot. “that’s genius actually!”

“let’s plan it out then,” he said with such seriousness it didn’t seem like a joke anymore.

you enjoyed the conversation, just as you were about to prolong it, the chimes rang as the front door opened, alarming you two that there was a customer.

minghao instantly stood up to attend to them as you followed behind. as he opened the door, he whispered to you, “here comes our money for the concert!” he did a small jazz hands gesture before returning back to his employee mode. you watched him at the side and quietly let out a sigh of relief.

maybe you could enjoy working around him.

funfact: when yn went back home they searched up the meaning of the song wasted times. they could see some correlation and they definitely didn’t let him breathe because of it.

taglist: @weird-bookworm @kissesfrmwonwoo @haecien @amxlia-stars @addyanm @anemoiant @kokoiinuts @leewonkyeom @silver-liner @zzenkha @buffhoshi @woozixo @porridgesblog @ilovehimyourhonour @koala-wonderland @bangantokchy @limbomoon @som1ig @imprettyweird @hyelium @sikuthealien

send an ask to be added to taglist! (replies are fine but i may not see them!!) — please check your visibility before asking to be added to taglist! if your account is hidden it won’t allow you to be tagged on posts!🤍

[sideblog-delete-later]

Let's talk about the doc. I'm going to share the notes I've made as I read through it. (just in case disclaimer that Alex said that he uses any pronouns so sometimes in this I refer to Alex with she/her and sometimes he/him)

Okay I'm reading the doc and the part I'm currently reading talks about Alex' gender identity and the screenshots provided are just... Alex talking about being confused about her gender identity, and there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with that? This feels kinda transphobic. The perceived problem is Alex being parasocial, not Alex being trans

"Before Alex left Server B, he publicly explained that Amelia was a joke after a member expressed they were uncomfortable that Alex shared their dead name. People who were supportive of the change would feel weird about this." WHAT

I don't blame Alex for backtracking on the new name after SOMEONE SAID THAT THEY'RE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH IT.

Like I understand that seeing your dead name can be uncomfortable but it's not like Alex wanted to upset them. Alex was (presumably) just experimenting with going by a name she liked.

Even if Alex is a bad person, can we not be transphobic against her?

So far, the way the doc is worded makes me think that stirringjuice wants people to think that Alex talking about her gender is a part of the reason why we should dislike her.

Compare "I decided to release some information into this server because I was tired of hiding everything. These were my friends as well. From the beginning, we planned to release this publicly..." to "Originally, I decided against talking about my side of the story especially when I promised to keep quiet, however, I feel like it is necessary to understand the context. I and several others have noticed this behavior pattern that Alex exhibits. This was dealt with in private many times before coming to a conclusion."

It comes off as Ven trying to make people think that the 16 year old mentioned is DB. The "this was sent to a 16-year old" is squeezed conveniently between Ven talking about DB. And then, after the doc is released and people assume (logically) that the 16 yo mentioned must be DB, Ven basically says "btw DB is an adult and I don't know why anyone would assume that they're the 16 yo mentioned".

"I do not want my name to be associated with this situation and all other names will be censored (the victims are allowed to come forward if they wish to). I understand it will be impossible to hide and that’s why, afterward, I will be leaving my accounts associated with this name" and then Ven went on to post many more messages on his Twitter and some on Tumblr (some of which he later deleted)

I've also noticed that there's emotionally manipulative language used throughout the document meant to evoke a strong emotion and make the reader feel sorry for Ven.

The annotated document I saw (a reblog of it can be found on this blog) sums everything up perfectly.

"He understands power dynamics" except for all those times Ven said that he didn't

"A quote from DB’s father, who is a lawyer consultant" it's a quote from justia dot com

Also why did Ven censor his username and profile picture in some of the screenshots, even though it's not censored in other ones? (this includes censoring his face, why would he censor Alex's face when we all know what Alex looks like?)

[tenebrius-excellium]

Neil being made to believe he can't change his ways by some stupid psychiatrist in 5x04 hurts so much T_T

Fascinatingly, we meet an ex-criminal who DID change his life for the better in the same episode. And on the other hand there's Dr. Mara Summers who sows this terrible doubt in Neals mind about who he is and who he can be. That he can never be anything else but a thief.

It's very untypical for Neal to listen to random strangers, and so that had me startled. However, there's a distinct difference between the woman's and the other ex-criminal's voice of influence on him...: He is just a family man, she is cunning and on his level intellectually.

When Neal meets Dr. Summers, they immediately spar a mindgame.

And I'm not sure what about that made Neal change his mind about getting clean of his criminal history, because he clearly despises himself for being a con man afterwards. He's learned to hate the manipulation which he is able to intuitively force on the people he interacts with. It becomes wildly apparent who Neal is and who he is not in Season 6 with Keller and Amy (no more spoilers but those who have already watched know what I'm talking about).

So what did Dr. Summers trigger in Neal that made him lose faith in Peter and in himself? Why does he give up on the legal life again when he - once free - could have easily found work that feeds his desire for the thrill within the FBI, within security firms or insurance companies (like Sara)? Of course the conversation with Dr. Summers may have reminded Neal of how much he missed the high life. But it shouldn't have tampered with his identity. Neal claims to not know who he is, I say he has a fairly good idea. He knows what he's good at, he knows he doesn't do violence, he knows he wants an extravagant lifestyle and he knows who his friends are. That's a lot more than can be said about just any person.

So in a way, Neal went back to old habits, but they became very purposeful. It stopped being a game to him and it became about getting out for good. He somehow went back to shady behavior yet grew as a person and lost all joy in it.

I feel that part of his arc remained unfinished at the end of Season 6. Neal was on his way to learn that he doesn't need to steal to be able to live out who he is. And it kinda stopped there halfway.

I feel like Neal was about to become a Robin Hood type of guy. In saying that he could never change, Dr. Summers solidified the fact for him that he had definitely changed, but since everything was going too slow for him, he used the old methods to speed up the terms of his release. One last con.

The con to get out. For good.

I just wish I didn't have to analyze that in a wholeass essay. I wish it had been spelled out for us in the ending of the show. I wish I didn't merely have to hope that Neal found his peace after Dr. Summers got into his mind, while deep down knowing he is haunted. I wish someone had told him that he didn't have to listen to her.

I wish him peace.

@e7y1 @kimkhimhant

[jinkookspencil]

hi! ive read your one two drop jjk!! what if y/n actually kind of like you know scary thing. like all the rides are actually fun but the thing is she doesn’t have a friend who want to do this with her so then jk is there ehhehe

shall we? | jjk

with no one to go on all the rides with, your friend encourages you to take a bold decision at a theme park...

description/tw/tags: ~1.9k words / jungkook x (f) reader / one-shot drabble / fluff / meet-cute / no warnings except swearing / feat jimin it made most sense to give them both a friend / happy, laughing jk!! i saw his recent weverse post and my heart hurts for him - i wish him nothing but happy happy days :( / i hope this is what you meant, anon, and i really hope you like it!!! thank you so much for requesting and for reading one two drop! / sorry for calling jk the bigger boy and jimin the shorter one - i'm kinda short myself so i didn't mean it in a teasing way! / ahhh idk how i feel about this one idk if i love it but i hope you like it anon / feedback is always welcome and it's appreciated!💗

There were many unspoken rules in life. Don’t propose at someone else’s wedding. Let people get off the elevator before you get in. Always pour in the milk after the cereal…

And, when planning an outing to a theme park, let your friend know whether you are a ride person or not.

Ki, your only friend at university, showed nothing but excitement when you suggested going to the theme park over the weekend. It was only natural that you expected her to be down to go on the rides with you… but when you see her in a flowy pink dress, white lace-up boots, and a beret, you quickly realize that that wasn’t the case.

“Looking very cute. But how are you going to go on any rides in that?” you question the moment you spot her by the park’s entrance, ignoring the fact that you'd coincidentally perfectly coordinated, considering your lavender jumpsuit.

“Who said anything about rides? There’s that new Sanrio pop-up with all the photo ops. I thought that’s why you suggested it.”

“I meant that as a bonus, Ki. So, what, are we gonna come back for the rides another day then?”

“Well… we can come back for something else. I hate rides, bestie, so you’ll have to go alone.”

“Oh, come on,” you pout, stopping dead in your tracks. “Just one ride.”

“They make me nauseous, boo. Even the kiddie ones. Sorry, I guess I should’ve told you, huh?”

“You guess?” you resign, briefly forgetting your disappointment until it actually sinks in during your walk around the park, when all you could do is merely look at all the rides after snapping photos at every single Sanrio-themed spot.

“I hate you for not telling me,” you utter beneath your breath, the roar of a passing rollercoaster cart right afterward only emphasizing your frustration.

“I said I was sorry! You can go alone, you know? I’ll wait.”

“What fun is that?” you sulk. “You, as my one friend, outweigh every other person I’ve ever known in my life in every regard but this…. I’ve never hated you until today, boo, because you and I both know I can’t just ask someone else.”

“Wait, no…. you can! Just do that!” she suggests excitedly, stopping.

“Do what?”

“Just… ask someone else. A stranger. I mean…. it’ll be very easy to find someone willing to go on a ride… you know, at a theme park. Would that be weird? If you just went up to someone and asked them?”

“It would definitely be weird, you freakish extrovert. Who’d do that?"

"Us? What difference does it make, whether it's a ride or a dance at a club? I know you've only just begun understanding my ways and finally tried approaching men at clubs, but... there's really no difference."

"It is different. A theme park is like... a date place. It's not just a dance."

"Well, both instances can involve a ride," she winks, laughing as you roll your eyes.

"I'd never go with a stranger anyways. There's no excitement there. Unless it was with a hot guy,” you joke.

“… And I’m sure a guy would be just as happy to go on a ride with a hot girl, too, boo.”

Ki goes on, seeing your eyes widen.

“If a hot guy came up to you and asked you, would you say yes?”

“Depends how hot…” you tease, “but yeah, I think I would. Why not?”

“Exactly! ‘Why not?’… Aren’t adventurous types your thing? Be it for a change. Think about it: if you’d say yes, why can’t it work the other way around? Provided he isn’t scared or prone to motion sickness like me…. Why would a single, fun guy refuse to go on a ride with a hot girl? And you’re a gorgeous girl who is usually sunshine in human form..... except for the last dreadful, moping hour. I’m sick of it. Find a hot guy, a ride, and get out of this funk already.” Ki’s eyes light up at her own suggestion. For the first time in her life… she might’ve been on to something….

“I just pick a guy? At random?”

“What do you have to lose?”

-

Finding someone in a sea full of teenagers and couples took longer than usual. Waiting around ride exits, entrances, and photo kiosks were all futile attempts at your now lame mission. that you’d huffed your way to the pretzel stand. You might as well eat something sweet and fluffy if you couldn’t find a guy you could describe with those words… You were a step away from cinnamony, twisty goodness when two figures whizz between you and the pretzel stand.

“YA! Jimin-hyung! You have to!” you hear, your eyes fixated on the chase unfolding in front of you when you realize it wasn’t a chase between two children but rather two grown men.

“Exactly! I am your hyung! Stop making me do this shit, or the next time, I’ll throw up on you,” the smaller man responds, darting ahead of the larger one, the both of them running loops around the pretzel stand until the shorter one jumps over a nearby bench, hiding behind it. "I know you're fucking strong enough to lift me and force me into doing it, so for God's sake, just stop, Jungkook-ah. I'll let you talk to me informally for a whole month if you don't make me do this."

The bigger man yields, stopping, seemingly to catch his breath, only to burst into a fit of laughter instead when the smaller one marches over to him, playfully hitting him with a plushie and scolding him between his low giggles as well. The few people gathered around had looked away at that point, brushing it off once they’d realized it wasn’t an actual fight… except for you.

You couldn’t. The sound tugged at your heartstrings. That loud, unstoppable, joyous laugh unlike any you’d ever heard in your entire life. And now that the taller man stood still and you could finally take a good look at him. He was big, which you’d noticed immediately, with a frog-eyed headband that somehow stayed on his head throughout the chase, adorning his long locks. Laughing heartily, almost out of breath, the shorter man beside him jokingly punched at his huge muscles… which were decorated with a vibrant collage of tattoos.

Ki gasps right beside you. “Oh, isn’t he so your ty-”

“He is. He really fucking is….” you whisper, in awe of the huge man with the frog-eyed headband.

“Look, it’ll end in one of two ways - you either will or won’t go on a ride with... the man of your dreams. He’s the hottest guy we’ve seen so far, and… tattooed, jacked... A man but happy like a kid... Damn, is he your type… You can’t pass this up. Still, if he turns out to be an idiot and says no, just look for another one. There are thousands of people here, and his friend is really cute too. Maybe even better, actually, damn.”

The man was still laughing. It was adorable.

“No, no… I want the smiley boy who can’t stop laughing… The one with the stuffed animal in his hands and that cute little matching headband. And the camera strap around his neck. The happy boy, boo. You know I like happy boys.… He's per- I… I want him.”

“I can see it in your eyes, freak. But remember, he's just a man. No difference between him and the others... even though he really does look custom-made for you.”

Frozen in your spot, you watch the man’s laugh fade away into a wide, bunny-toothed smile. Good God.

“Go. Go, boo. Now.”

Ki, ever the flirt, does what she always does whenever either of you spots someone you might be interested in - pushing you slightly until you’ve no choice but to reach her planned destination for you. Turning back was never an option. You knew better - if you attempted it, she’d just drag you back herself. A mere couple of steps away, the reflexed confidence you’d felt bubbling up from similar nights she encouraged you quickly fades away when the man is right in front of you. Though you’d only been a short distance away, he was bigger, happier, louder, and much more attractive up close. He wasn't the most attractive man you'd seen that day but... in your entire life. And when he blinks in your direction, noticing your sudden presence, you finally come back to Earth.

“Hi. Uhm, hello. This is a bit weird, but would you like to go on this rollercoaster with me?” you ask in a rush, gesturing to the attraction right behind him. “I’m here with a friend who doesn’t like rides and…”

The man’s wide smile remained on his face. It was hard not to get distracted.

“…and I thought I’d ask someone who seemed fun, unlike her.”

“What made you think I was fun?” he asks, his tone serious, despite the smile on his face.

“Well… you're standing right in front of the ride, and that little chase you guys did. It was funny.... and cute.”

“Cute?” he asks, his eyebrows raised in shock. If you weren't mistaken, somehow, his smile grew even wider.

“Yeah,” you reply, sure your expression matched his. With a reaction like that... He was either down for it or would reject you kindly... What did you have to lose? "Yeah, cute."

“How did you know he’s not afraid?” his friend interrupted. You’d forgotten the shorter man’s entire existence.

“Oh well, I assumed. Hot guys aren’t afraid of rides.” It was a weird theory you held, in line with your type and your own dating and crush history. You almost regret blurting it out, but it only sends the man into another laughing fit while his friend glared at the both of you.

“Thank you… Thank you for that - he was getting a little too confident,” the tattooed man laughs.

“For the record - I don’t hate all rides, just heights. He forced me to go on that drop ride. I feel sick, and he wants me to go on another one! That’s why... that stupid chase and that ridiculous laugh of his. He’s laughing at his friend’s misery if that’s your definition of ‘fun’ too.”

“Oh, sorry. I meant no disrespect,” you laugh, seeing the shorter man angrily and adorably all riled up.

“No, don’t worry, we know,” the hot guy adds, wiping tears of laughter away from his face, and luckily, the shorter man concurs, waving it off with a smile.

"So I hear you wanted to go on that ride too?" you ask.

“I’d… I’d love to,” the man states. Now that he’s composed himself, you could make out the rosiness in his cheeks - the happy crinkles by his eyes remained. “I’d really love to go with you. God knows I need someone cool too.” He side-eyes his friend at the comment, fiddling with the stuffed frog toy in his hands before continuing. “But hyung's cowardice is not the only reason I want to... Maybe I’ll win you one of these too later?”

The shorter man rolls his eyes, playfully punching the stuffed frog. “You have a name, tough guy?”

“Oh, sorry,” the man replies, outstretching his hand when he finally looks back at you with that same sweet smile. “My name is Jungkook.” You shake his hand and introduce yourself, noticing how nice his also tattooed hand felt…

“And I’m Jimin,” the shorter man says snarkily before continuing on. “Didn’t you say you were here with a friend? Can we hang out and gossip about you while you both go on that death trap? It’ll be nice to hang out with a sane person. I promise we’ll pray for your survival too.”

“Yeah, she’s here, but… I don’t spot her. Let me text her.”

[to: ki-ttycat]: hoe where are you? hot guy is up for it. going now!!!! but his friend is here and wants to hang out with you.

[from: ki-ttycat] are you fr?? the cutie? omgggggggggggggg running.

[from: ki-ttycat] go go have fun make sure to ride him too later.

“She’s coming,” you say with a giggle, pointing towards Ki, who you spot darting towards you with a fresh bucket of popcorn in her hands.

“Oh wow,” Jimin says under his breath when he spots her. “Go, you two. I’m done with Jungkook, that’s for sure. Y/N, you take care. The both of you. Go on all the rides if you want. We - hopefully - won’t be waiting.”

Jungkook rolls his eyes before looking back at you with a smile.

“Shall we?”

[marvelwitchergilmore]

In Love

Summary: Clint Barton x Fe!Reader ~ Turns out, you’ve been keeping a massive secret from Clint despite being his friend and co-worker for the last six years. 

Disclaimer: violence, swearing (I think), pining, life-or-death situations, kiss to keep cover, fluff, hand holding, angst, blood, torture, Clint does not have kids or a wife or has ever, 16+ themes (Criminal Minds kinda thing). MDNI - This is your warning - If you read on, you have agreed to read 16+ themes.

The moment you came home your first day in the field, you knew what was to come. 

You never fell in love. Never even fell into ‘like’. But the moment you met him…it was game over. Your future self laughed at your younger self. 

“I’m never gonna fall in love.” you would say. “I’m never gonna like a boy like that. I’m not going to want someone to come home to. I want my own space. I don’t want anyone by my side. I don’t need anyone but my dogs. They can keep me company when I’m old and grey.”

God, you wished you could be like that again. Despite knowing none of it would be true, you wished you still had those ideologies. That you would never fall in love. That you would never date or marry or want children and turn out to be a Sports Mom with a minivan filled with gear, orange slices and cases of water you got on sale from Costco. 

But the moment you saw him…that ideology died. In fact, it burst into a ball of flames. 

You had never had that feeling before. That kind of feeling that sent a tornado through your stomach, blood pumping around your body as if you’d just fought for your life in a cross country race and your heart doing somersaults against your lungs that knocked the air out of them. 

But the moment you saw him…you had to scold yourself. 

And you scolded yourself over and over and over and over again, for years. 

Agent Clint Barton was first and foremost your teammate. You could only trust one another to the extent that the other did. Same with the rest of your team. 

Without trust, there would be no foundation for anything. 

And he trusted you. That much was clear. 

Afterwards, you, Clint and the rest of your team became friends and before long, you were a unit. A family. 

Each and every one of you knew the other like the back of your hands, except…Clint felt like he was missing something with you. 

He knew you were keeping something from him. And sometimes it felt like the rest of the team were trying to keep your secret, too.

Though, you knew that the rest of the team didn’t know for certain about your feelings towards Clint. They knew you but when it came to your love life, you were the only one none of them could figure out. Your cards were kept firmly against your chest. 

One evening, Willa (one of your teammates) spotted you in a small cafe getting a drink with a guy and when she saw you Monday morning, she instantly asked you about him. The whole team was there. Were you about to reveal that you have a secret boyfriend this whole time? Perhaps he was your husband and you had 4 kids and secretly owned a private school in Nebraska?

But, no. 

“He was just a guy and we had a good time but I don’t think I’m gonna see him again.”

“Why not?” Clint asked you. 

“Because the day after I saw him in the park with his girlfriend and their dog.” 

“Ooh,”

“I’m sorry, honey.” Willa frowned. 

“It’s okay.” 

For the next couple of months, you went on more dates. Some were set up by Willa and Jerry (another teammate) and the rest by online sites. And, some were more successful than others but in the end, none of them gave you that feeling that you had when you first met Clint. That kind of feeling, the moment you dropped your bag and closed your front door had you nodding your head and accepting, “Yep, this is it.” as you realised, somehow, miraculously, you’d managed to have a loving crush on someone. But it wouldn’t matter, because he is your teammate. 

And, after two years of trying to get rid of your feelings for him, or at least, trying to accept them and move on with your life, Clint sent your heart spirally and fell even harder when yourself, Willa, Jerry, Una and Clint were all sent on a mission together. 

It was an extraction. 

The host of the gala was a multi-millionaire and would be auctioning off his prized possessions in a secret auction. The gala was simply a front. After all, why would more than three dozen highly wealthy people all come to the same country for “a holiday”. 

His prized possessions included a hard-drive that opened the buyer to a world of information surrounding offshore accounts that were used to help free-lance agents that still had ties to any and all government organisations. 

Shield included. 

Only, after the initial smooth sailing, things took a turn. 

“It’s not here.”

From the other side of the bar, your eyes met with Clint’s and you spoke into your drink as you lifted it to your lips. “What do you mean it’s not there?”

“I mean it’s not here.” Jerry told you down comms. “The harddrive. It’s not in this room.”

“Then where could it- oh no.”

“Oh no? What oh no?” Clint asked. 

Willa turned her back to the column. “It’s in his jacket.”

“What do you mean it’s in his jacket?”

“Ten O’clock.”

Low and behold, there the host stood, the silver USB stick in his hand, smiling as he waved it around three other potential buyers. 

One of them went to touch it and the host pocketed it before he could, smiling before removing his jacket and handing it to his butler beside him who folded it up and began to walk away with it. 

“Where’s he taking it?”

Willa lip-read what she could from the conversation. 

“His bedroom.”

“His bedroom is heavily guarded.” 

“You don’t say.”

“Guys, what are we going to do? We need that hard drive.” Jerry’s voice rang through.

“Someone needs to get his attention.” Willa replied. 

“How?” you asked. 

“I have an idea.”

Moments later, Clint was by your side. 

“What are you-”

“Just trust me. You can punch me later.”

You placed your hand in Clint’s as he led you to the dance floor and suddenly you were very aware of your own skin. It was an odd feeling. 

“Just do what I do. But backwards. And in heels.”

“Thanks, Fred. What exactly is your plan here?”

Clint’s eyes met yours. “He looks in your direction every 45 seconds. I’m going to give him an excuse to make his move.”

You yelped in shock as Clint pulled you flush against him, his hand flexing on your lower back. 

“Just trust me?”

You caught the sincere look in his eyes and all you could do was nod. 

It worked. 

Just as Clint was moving you around the dance floor, your mind going elsewhere, there came a tap onto Clint’s shoulder. 

“May I cut in?”

“Of course.”

Clint pressed a kiss to your cheek, quickly whispering in your ear. “Flirt. You look beautiful, by the way.”

You smiled and nodded as he walked away, letting your hands slip from his and into the host’s. And, after flirting for the length of a song, feeling his hands go lower down your back, your own hands stopping him, he finally walked you up the stairs and towards his bedroom. 

“Don’t worry, I’ve got eyes on you.” Clint spoke down comms. 

You looked over your shoulder as you climbed the grand staircase with the host’s hand at your back, and you saw Clint to the left of the dance floor, watching you carefully. 

Once you found yourself with the host, alone, in his bedroom and the guards told to clear away and take their break for an hour or so, you made quick work in knocking him out, finding the jacket and removing the hard drive. 

Only, once you left and met Clint outside the bedroom door, a new to duty guard came around the corner. 

“Just follow me.” Clint took your hand in his as he pocketed the hard drive into his jacket. 

You only got half-way walking down the hall when the guard, who had peaked in on the host, came back out and shouted for you both to stop. 

Of course, you didn’t. 

You both ran instead. 

Then an alarm was pulled and every guard the host paid seemed to be after you and Clint. 

“What are you going to do?” Willa asked as Clint pressed something into her hand as he ran past her and out of the door.

“We’ll meet you back at the safe house.” Clint told Willa. “Just take the hard drive and get it to Jerry. Una, tell me you’ve got the van ready.”

“Ready. I’ll meet Willa and Jerry at the extraction point.”

“Good.”

And for the next ten minutes, you and Clint were running through the streets and back alleyways of the town, running in separate directions for a while before bumping into each other down a side-ally. 

Footsteps were coming closer and the sound of bullets were flying through the air. 

“They don’t know what they’re aiming at.” 

“But they’ll find us soon.”

“If we run out now, they’ll shoot at us.”

“So what do we do?”

“I don’t know.” you looked at him, breathless, before looking back down the alley. 

Then it hit Clint. 

“I have an idea but I need you to trust me. Like, really trust me.”

“Jesus Christ, Barton. Just get on with it.” you finally called out as he tried to prevent the inevitability of his plan - despite you not knowing what it was. 

The footsteps were drawing closer and for a moment they stopped, a light flashed down the alleyway and voice talked before the running continued.

But none of that registered in the moment because your brain was short-circuiting since Clint’s bright idea was to kiss you. 

His hands came to your face and he could feel your hands on his arms, ready to push him off and probably punch him. But you didn’t. And, rather than the kiss being stiff and awkward…it was unlike any other. 

One of his hands still remained by the side of your face when the light shone down the path but his other came down your body, sending goosebumps in their wake, before he pulled you against him and he stepped closer pressing you between him and the wall. 

Your own hands travelled up to his neck and pulled him closer but once the footsteps died away, the kiss slowly came to an end leaving you both breathless against one another. 

“I think it worked.” 

Clint nodded, swallowing hard, as he looked at you. 

How had he never noticed the reflection of the stars in your eyes before? 

“I think it did. Are you gonna punch me now?”

Clint watched as you paused for a moment. 

“Not right now. But if they come back, I might.”

“We better go?”

You nodded. “We better go.”

You had to push yourself along because you knew, if you didn’t, you’d kiss him again and he’d simply kissed you to avoid getting caught, right? There would be no dire consequences after that kiss. 

But all Clint could do was scold himself as you both made your way back to the safe house. How had he never noticed the stars in your eyes before? Or how, in the morning, the rays of the sun shone back just as bright? He also scolded himself from allowing himself to emotionally indulge in the kiss he shared with you. You are his teammate. And he knew himself. 

He couldn’t let his heart get involved, or else there would be dire consequences. 

Initially, things felt…awkward. But, after four years, it was just an old memory, right? And, yeah, sure, the memory would be revisited from time to time whether independently or shared…kinda. Mostly, this was when the team would have drinks one night and would be talking about love lives and first kisses and worst kisses. 

“Alright, alright, alright. I’ll give you that one.” Una said, swirling her bottle of beer. “But kissing to avoid something, that can't work, can it?”

“It can.” 

Your mouth spoke the words before your brain could stop you. 

“And how would you know?”

You caught Clint’s smirk as he looked down to his beer. 

“I just do.”

“Oh, really?”

“Come on, tell us!” Willa cried. 

You shook your head with a suppressed laugh. “I’ve said too much.”

“No, come on!”

“Maybe some other time.”

“No fair.”

“Okay,” you smiled. “You tell us about what happened with Derek and your ‘worldly knowledge’ and I’ll tell you my story.”

Willa narrowed her eyes at you, playfully. “You play a clever game.”

You just sat back and smiled.

But despite all of this, four years on, neither you or Clint had seemingly changed. But he still felt like you were hiding something from him. 

Except, he’d find out soon enough. And not in a way either of you hoped he would. 

This time, you’d been called in on your day off. 

“What’s going on?”

Clint turned around from the monitor and was at first taken aback from your clothing. Usually, you wore black pants and a black t-shirt to work or a work shirt or, if the situation called for it, sand coloured cargo trousers and a breathable t-shirt. Though, that was usually when having to attend a military base outside of cooler weather. 

Instead, you wore a cosy jumper and dungarees that had paint splatter all over them, including your white pumps and small freckles of pain on the baby hairs that had escaped their cover of the hair bandanna. 

Clint also spotted the remnants of nail polish in your cuticles and light paint on the side of your hands. 

“We’ve just got- have you been decorating?”

You looked over yourself. “Oh, yeah. Felt like a change. Anyway, what’s going on?”

“We’ve just got wind of a hostage situation. We can’t make verbal contact with the abductor but they did send this out.”

It was a note. 

And it was through that note that led you and Clint making an extraction which was initially successful until you did a final sweep afterwards only to be knocked out when you spotted a door had been left ajar and the lights turned off. 

Clint, after not hearing your reply, came in after you. 

And that was how you both ended up waking up inside some beat down old home that had probably been designed in the 40s. 

His voice was hazy, but you heard Clint call your name. You also tried your best to take in a breath but was only met with a damp stench and the feeling of your lungs crushing you into shock. 

“Take it easy, he hit you pretty hard.”

After a few minutes, you finally gained some normality in your lungs but the sting was still there. 

“What happened?”

“After he went all sleeper agent on you, I came in and found you unconscious. I was trying to wake you when he stuck something in my neck.”

“I see you got the peaceful option.” 

“Funny.”

“Where the hell are we?” you asked, trying your best to look around. 

“I don’t know. I haven’t heard any cars so I’m gonna take a guess and say we’re in the middle of nowhere.”

“Well, that narrows it down.”

“Did you see who took us?”

“No.”

“Would you like to?”

You and Clint snapped your heads to the open space in front of you both. 

Out from the shadows appeared the guy who you had seen just before his gun came across your head and your body hit the ground. 

The man walked from one side of the room, to the other, screwing in the light-bulbs beneath the lampshades causing both you and Clint to squint at the brightness. You’d both been submerged in darkness for quite some time. 

“My name is Jack. I know, how original. It was actually my mother’s father’s name. Named after my grandfather, grand ol’ Jack. Lived till he was 92. Always said the best way to survive was to always tell the truth. That lies weighed on the soul. And to have a small shot of whiskey before going to bed. Said that was good for the heart since it quietened the mind.”

“Really touching story,” you cut him off. “But why are we here?”

“Don’t you get it?”

You and Clint looked at one another. Had you both missed a part of this conversation? 

“I tried to save those people in the warehouse.” Jack told both of you as he straddled a chair. “People in this world need saving from themselves. People are dying younger than they ever did. And it’s because of all the lies. The lies they keep from their parents, and their children and themselves. It’s all crushing their soul. And I knew…” Jack smiled, wagging his finger. “I knew the moment I saw you down there that yours was being crushed the most.”

“Saw me?”

Jack stood from his chair. “I was in the corner office, on the top floor. It has an excellent view. Whoever has that office next will love it. The accents on the wall, ah magnificent.” Jack kissed his fingers before continuing. “But it gave me a good scope. I understand not everyone will…agree with my methods, per say.”

“No, because you took people hostage.” Clint pointed out. 

“I was trying to save them! And I was finally getting through to them until those SWAT guys pulled out my team.”

“Again, because you had taken them hostage. And now you’ve taken us hostage.”

“This world needs saving!” Jack yelled. “It needs saving from the lies people tell and the secrets they all hide.”

“Alright!” you yelled out before calming your voice. “Alright. So…the world needs saving? Jack, do you really think you’re saving it…by killing people? The hold-up down on 9th? That was you, right? Those people you let go-”

“They let their souls free. They told the truth.”

“So, if we-” you looked at Clint before turning back to Jack. “If we tell you the truth, will you let us go?”

“Yes.” 

For a moment, the feeling in the room got lighter. Maybe there was a way out after all. 

“But you’ll only lie. No, you…your secrets are too big to just give up freely. You…you’re a take em’ to the grave kinda gal. So, no. I won’t let you go. Not until I know that it’s the truth.”

“How will you know?”

Clint regretted asking the question. 

“Because she’ll be begging to tell me. You both will.”

Neither of you knew how much time had passed but the spots from the light were getting duller and bigger. 

“No, no. You can not sleep yet. You haven’t freed your soul.”

“Why do we have to free our souls?” you asked, the taste of blood coming to your mouth. “What if I don’t want to be saved? You said it yourself. I’d rather take mine to the grave.”

“Oh, but you don’t. Not really.” 

Jack had been circling you and Clint for a while, as if he were a hunter, teasing you - waiting for you to beg to be killed. 

“No, I can see it in your eyes. The eyes never lie.” 

Jack levelled himself though he wasn’t close enough to knock out. His hands gripped your thighs as he hummed, annoyance clear in his expression as he tried to figure out your secret. 

“Perhaps you killed someone? No, that isn’t it. Maybe you ran away? Have a secret family? No, that’s not it either. The eyes never lie to me. What is it? What are you not telling me? What are you not telling yourself?”

Clint called your name and Jack saw the slightest change in you. So slight, in fact, even you didn’t feel it. 

“It’s him. It had something to do with your team. No, teammate. It’s him and just him.”

Jack pushed against your thighs so he could stand up straight. Quickly, he made his way over to Clint and circled him. 

“What is it? What is it about you, huh? What has her secret got to do with you? Let's see if we can find out.”

You heard the snap of a switchblade as it opened and the fight for Jack to steady Clint but before he could make the first cut or slice, you cried out. 

“Stop! He doesn’t know! He- he doesn’t know. Please…just…just don’t hurt him. Please.”

Jack looked over to you and Clint’s name escaped your lips, both in pleading and question. 

“Oh…oh, this runs so much deeper than just a secret.”

You lowered your head for a moment. The pounding in your heart was only made harder by your own silent cries telling you to not say anything else. But there was a chance you’d both die, so why not tell him? Right? Maybe it would save your lives? Or would it only give Jack more ammunition to use? 

 “Doesn’t it?”

“Please…don’t.”

Jack knelt in front of you and gently touched your cheek before moving his hand down and grasping under your jaw, forcing your head up. 

“Tell me. Let me free your soul.”

Tears rolled down your cheeks, your heart crushing your lungs inside your chest. 

“If you don’t tell me, I will only hurt him more. And you don’t want to hurt him. Tell me. Help me save both of you. Tell me. No, tell him.”

Jack moved your head, forcing you to look at Clint with tear stained cheeks. 

“I’m sorry, Clint. I’m so sorry.”

Your name came from Clint’s voice, barely above a whisper. 

“You can admit it,” Jack said your name. “You committed the most heinous act an agent such as yourself can do, didn’t you? You created a danger, not only for him, but yourself.”

Clint said your name again, trying to move his hands only to find them still shackled to his chair. 

“You fell in love.”

You took in a breath, the beating feeling in your chest, turning into a stabbing feeling against your lungs. Your head remained down as you squoze your eyes shut, more tears escaping from your lids, down your lashes and onto your lap. 

“Please…”

You didn’t even know if Jack could hear you, but you pleaded with him anyway. 

“We need to hear you say it.”

You remained silent but then-

“Say it!”

Jack’s hand came to your face and pushed you to look at him. 

“Say it! Say it!”

You continued to plead with him until he pushed you back further and you screamed out. 

“I fell in love! I fell in love! Please! Stop! No! Please! I-I fell in love! I fell in love with him! Please! I-I fell in love with him. I’m in love with him!”

Jack stopped and waited a moment before pulling you back so all four legs of the chair were on the ground and he finally removed his hand from your face. 

“And there it is.” 

He was smiling. The look and sound of fear in your body had pushed him further but the defeated look on your face…that couldn’t be bought. That had to be created, by his hands. 

Clint looked between Jack and you and he didn’t know what to be more worried about. What Jack could possibly do to you next, or the fact that even he knew you were telling the truth to Jack. 

You were in love with him.

But he didn’t have long to sit and think about it because flashing lights suddenly came from behind the thick fabric that covered the broken windows, blocking out the light of the day and night. 

“No! No!” Jack shouted. “I still need to save them!”

It all happened so quickly, Clint barely caught the fact that Willa had rushed inside, Una arresting Jack and detaining him. Willa rushed over to Clint as Jerry came over to you.

“How did you find us?” Clint asked Willa as Jerry came behind you and picked the locks of your handcuffs. 

“Are you okay?”

Jerry knew it was a stupid question, even when you didn’t answer him. 

“A dog walker called it in. Said they could hear someone yelling as if they were in pain. He also knew no one has lived in this house since 1982.”

As Willa picked Clint’s handcuffs, Jerry had managed to get you out of yours and without looking back, you darted for the door. 

“Wait, wait,” Una called after you. “We need to wait for the medics.”

“Can you take me to the hospital?”

Una looked you over. She could see the clear look in your eyes. You didn’t want to stay here for another second. 

“Don’t you want to wait for Clin-”

“Now?”

Una nodded, radioing into Willa who was standing behind Clint, letting Jerry finish unpicking the locks. 

“Sure, I’ll call ahead.”

“Thank you, Willa.”

Hoping into the passenger seat, you shut the door as Una climbed into the driver’s seat and took off down the road and to the local hospital. 

“What happened in there?” Una asked you as she flicked her eyes from the road to you and back again. 

“I don’t wanna talk about it.”

Even with your hand shaking, you pushed your fingers across your face to try and wipe away the tears. 

By the time you arrived at the hospital, you were taken to a separate room where Una stayed in the waiting room, filling out your forms. Your hands were too shaky to even hold a pen and you could just about remember your own name. 

The doctor ran multiple tests and pushed the small cuts together with closure slips. 

“You’re all good but I’d like you to remain here for a couple hours, just in case there’s any change.”

You nodded and quietly thanked the doctor as she left. 

There were patches of dirt on your hands, as well as blood and old tears where they washed away the stains. 

After an hour, Una came in only to leave a few minutes later since she was called back to base to interrogate Jack. And, as she left, you slowly lowered yourself down on the hospital bed and, despite the noise in your head, you fell asleep. 

A few hours later, a nurse came in and woke up. 

“You can go home now, honey. We’re gonna need this bed.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” you tried to get up quickly but the nurse only laid a hand on your shoulder. 

“It’s okay, honey. Take your time. I read your chart, you took quite the hit. Your friend is waiting for you in the waiting room to take you home.”

You nodded, swinging your legs over the side. 

“Here. Take these for the headache.”

“Thank you.”

“No worries, honey.”

By the time you had grabbed your jacket and started walking down the hallway, you stalled when you saw who the nurse was talking about. 

If you had the energy, you probably would have run in the opposite direction. But you didn’t. You were tired and if the nurse hadn’t woken you, you probably would have slept for the next 24 hours. 

“Una was gonna come but I fought her for it.” Clint tried to smile but he could see your’s was just forced. 

“Look, what happened-”

“Clint, please…I– I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to go home.”

“Okay.”

The drive back was silent and awkward and by the time he pulled up, you looked at him for as long as you could stomach (which wasn’t long) before opening up the door and thanking him. 

And, the moment you pushed your key inside your door, you thought you were safe. That everything was finished for the day and you could deal with it tomorrow. 

But Clint got out of the car and called your name. 

“Wait!”

He took the porch steps two at a time and when he finally reached you, you forced yourself to look at him. 

“I need to say something.”

“You don’t have to say anything, Clint.”

“But I want to.”

“Please…I’d…I just want to forget what happened today. Please…I can’t do it again.”

“I know you’re scared and watching what he was doing to you…I was scared, too. I am. I am scared.”

“Clint,” you could see the look in his eyes and you shook your head. “No. Don’t. Don’t say anything you’re gonna regret.”

“The only thing I regret is not telling you earlier.” Clint told you. “Then maybe none of this would have happened.”

“Clint-”

“I-”

“Please.” 

Your hand flew to his chest and he stopped talking. “Please. Whatever you’re about to say…please wait. Wait for the right time.”

Finally, you looked at him and his hands came to the top of your arms, stroking downwards before holding you close. 

“Please…just wait.”

“Okay.”

That was all he said before kissing your head and saying it again. 

“Okay. I’ll wait.”

By the time you woke up in the morning, your mind had stilled and before it could get loud again, you started painting again. All of your furniture was covered and two out of the 6 walls you had planned to paint had been cleaned, stripped, sanded, coated and painted. 

And, just as you started on the third, a knock came to your door. 

“I just want to help.” Clint told you. “And, let’s be honest, last time you tried decorating this place on your own, you nearly knocked yourself out with paint cleaner.”

You, for the first time in the last 48 hours, smiled. 

“You can take the kitchen. There should be some new cupboards to keep you company.”

“You’re finally changing them?” Clint asked, entering the kitchen, his tool belt around his hips. 

“I am. Picked them out last week.”

“Thank god.” he said. “I hated the last ones.”

“Same.”

The rest of the day ran smoothly enough, despite what the last couple of days had revealed. Clint informed you that you and him both had the next two weeks off before either of you could go back into the field. He also helped fix the kitchen cabinets to the wall as well as install your new oven. You could have done it on your own, but having someone else there made it easier. Clint also helped you move around the heavier furniture and, when fixing the wiring to the lightbulb, he held the ladder steady under you so you wouldn’t fall. 

And for the following two days, neither of you mentioned anything about what happened with Jack. It was like nothing had ever happened in the first place. 

Until Clint decided he couldn’t wait anymore. 

It was easier, before the kiss, to shut off his feelings for you; that worry, that concern, that joy that exceeded more than just the smile of friendship. But after, they became much more clear. He saw the stars in your eyes and the light in your smile. He was more than just amazed at your talents of being an agent. Of course, those who joined Shield all had similar talents, but there was just something more about you. More to be figured out, more to learn, more to be desired and most of all, more to be loved. 

He couldn’t wait any longer. 

Sure, he’d been called stubborn before but now he was impatient. He’d let time slip by for six years and in that time there had been moments where he wanted to call out from the top of buildings that his feelings for you were more than that of a friend, of a teammate. But he couldn’t. 

There was always a mission or a job to be done or a date that got in the way. And now, there had been a raging lunatic that, if Willa and the rest of the team hadn’t landed when they did, could have killed you. He’d set your soul free, you’d been able to tell your secret. What was to stop him from not letting the rest of you go? What was stopping him from shooting you where you sat or using your life against his? 

Nothing. 

Because Clint couldn’t free himself. He couldn’t free himself from his chair or the shackles that kept him there. No matter how many times he called out your name or shouted for Jack to stop, he couldn’t free himself. He couldn’t get there. He couldn’t stop Jack from doing whatever he wanted to the women he fell in love with all those years ago. 

But he could do something now. 

So, as you stood beside him in the kitchen measuring out a plank of wood to fit on the wall above your stove, Clint looked at you and finally told you what he’d been wanting to tell you for years and what he was about to tell you two days ago before you begged him to wait, you not fully knowing whether he was going to reject you or tell you that he loved you. 

“I’m in love with you.”

Whatever you had been saying about the plank of wood and how you needed to get some more sandpaper from Home Depot quickly came to a stop as you stumbled over your words and looked at him. 

“What?”

“I’m in love with you.” Clint repeated. 

“No, Clint. Don’t-”

“I’m not just saying it because of what happened.” Clint assured you. “I should have told you years ago but I kept making excuses. But, after what happened, I don’t want to be able to find an excuse. I nearly lost you because I didn’t tell you sooner. I’m not losing you again. I’m in love with you.”

You were stunned to say the least. 

“I know, two days ago, you told me to wait. I was going to tell you when I got to the hospital but they told me you’d just fallen asleep. And then you told me to wait when I dropped you off and maybe I should, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to miss a chance to tell you again.”

Again, you were stunned into silence. 

“I’m in love with you.”

“I’m dizzy.” 

That was all you could say. All the information and realisation of every action made in the last six years all hit you at once. 

Swiftly, Clint pulled out one of the bar stools and you sat down holding your head. 

“You’re in love with me?”

“I’m in love with you.” Clint repeated. 

“You’re in love…with me? Me? The woman sat in front of you? Me?”

“Yes. I am in love with you.”

“Have you inhaled paint cleaner?”

Clint chuckled and pulled out a chair himself, sitting with his knees locked into yours before he took your hands in his. 

He stated your full name, “I am in love with you. And have been for the last six years.” Clint also stated your birthdate, star sign, address and badge number. “Does that clear it up?”

Your heart was beating in your chest so fast you thought it might actually explode. 

“Clint, I…I need to know you’re not just saying this because of what happened.”

Clint gave a small nod. “I have an idea but I’m gonna need you to trust me. Like, really trust me.”

You nodded and a moment later, Clint’s hands had moved from yours to your face, cupping your cheeks before pulling you in for a kiss. 

It was gentle and loving and unlike any other kiss you had experienced before. Other guys had taken what they wanted, forced the kind of kiss they wanted out of you. But not Clint. 

Somehow, he conveyed every emotion he could into the kiss and you couldn’t help but feel your mind wander back to your first kiss, down the side alleyway. That felt real. You had to convince yourself it was fake but this, and that, was real. 

It was all real. 

For a moment, you felt Clint smile into the kiss as your hands gripped at the collar of his checked shirt to pull him closer. A smile which you returned. 

“I’m in love with you.”

“I’m in love with you, too.”

Clint smiled and kissed you again, and again, and again. 

Despite everything that had happened, and everything that you had previously thought, you had come to realise that maybe it wasn’t so bad to learn to love and accept love in return. And in the years that passed, despite the dangers the job put you both in, it was nice to come home and be greeted with a familiar face and a warm embrace and to have a family you could both call your own. 

[satveek]

Jake X MC ~ the proposal

Richy: I am so sorry MC. MC: My forgiveness doesn't matter. Me and Jessy are ready to hide the fact that you were the man without the face. But, Richy: I know. I will hide the fact that the guy who saved me from the fire in mine was Jake. MC: Thank you Richy. Jessy: Will you promise me and MC that all this will never be repeated? Richy: For sure! Jake: MC! MC: Oh no, you are badly hurt. Alan: Who's he? MC: Oh he, he is my friend. He came here with me only and he went inside the mine to find Hannah and Richy. Alan: Is there anyone else inside? Jessy: Richy said that he saw the kidnapper. He got turned down into ashes. Alan: I hope this guy is not 'the hacker' Richy: For sure. He is not 'the hacker'. Lilly have shown us the picture of him. He is not that guy. Jake: *looking confused at MC* Alan: Thomas have taken Ms Donford with him. You guys can go and meet them. MC: Sure. Jessy: Cleo is too with them. At Hannah's appartment. MC: Hello Hannah. Hannah: *Confused* .... Lilly: Hey MC. Jake: Hello Hannah. Thomas: Hannah, the kidnapper made a deal where he asked MC to go in the mine and he will free you and Richy. Jessy: I wish that was true. Dan: We didn't sent MC there. It was Alan and this hackerman. MC: His name is supposed to be Jake. Jake: I don't preferred to be called Jake. Hannah: How are you Jake? Jake: .... I don't know how to answer that. MC: He is confused and tired. He need to go out and spend some time alone. Jake: *More confused* Kinda. *walks out to breath fresh air* Cleo: MC knows a lot about him. Dan: Why is that hackerman still here? Richy: He saved me Dan. Lilly: I think MC should go and talk to Jake. Hannah: Why? Richy: So MC, are you dating Jake now? MC: I wish i could. He is not into me. *teary eyes* Jake: *coughs* I am sorry I heard that. MC: I am immune to you reading and hearing all my chats and gossips. Dan: Does he do it frequently? Jessy: Everytime. MC: I hate it now when he don't. Jake: Really? MC: You lack sarcasm. Thomas: I feel like that wasn't sarcasm. MC: *Blushes* Jake, a word! Jake: If it's a proposal I am ready. MC: I thought and wished you to be the one initiating this but I guess i have no issues with that either. Hannah: Are you proposing Jake, right now? Lilly: Hannah, let her have her moment with big brother. everyone other than MC and Jake: What!? Jake: umm.... guys... MC: Afterwards Jake! Jake: We should clear it off. MC: You are bad with words. Hannah: How you know him so well? MC: I will clear it of for you Jake. Jake: You always do work for me MC. You made everything easier for me I don't know how many of works you have done on my behalf. MC: I will keep doing works on your behalf., but you need to promise me one thing. Cleo: I can't believe this is really happening. Jessy: I knew that this will happen one day. Jake: Guys... let MC finish her sentence. Hannah:But.... MC: Promise me that you will always stay by my side, protect me the way you protected me from the man without the fac. promise me that no matter how worse the situation come you will keep trusting me. Promise me that you will always keep loving me. Jake: *Speechless* *Take a step further and Kisses MC* I will always have your back. MC: *Blushes* I love you. Jake: I love you more. Dan: Wait, what! Hannah: Are you serious right now? MC: I bet on the fact that I love you more. Thomas: We are still waiting for the explanation of big brother. Lilly: Jake is mine and Hannah's half brother. others: What!? Jake: Yes, it is true. I will bet on 5credits. MC: I am raising the bar to 7 credits. Jake: Last time when we did this, you wont the bet. So, this time let us consider you winner straight away. You love me more! MC: *BLushes* .... Jakes Kisses MC Jake: I love you my lady! <3 Some more blushes.

[theflyingfeeling]

well said, Niko 👏

so I went to exit my emotions in Germany last weekend, details below:

we went to the shows in Berlin & Leipzig, with a VIP experience for the latter

and guyyyyyyyyssss let me tell you, BC really did not lie when they said we were there to Exit our Emotions 😩 the shows went straight to the very top of my personal BC shows list, the energy was amazing and all the new songs sounded incredible live, even the ones that weren't necessarily my #1 favourites, like Where's the Exit and Wolves in California. Especially the former sounds sooooooooooooooo good live 💖

and because I was there mainly to enjoy myself and to exit the fuck out of my stupid useless emotions, I barely took any videos or pictures (I never take pictures anyway, how do y'all manage to take such amazing shots at shows?!) despite having relatively good spots to do so. I kinda wish I had more so I could think back to the shows afterwards, but on the other hand I felt like I got way more out of the show when I put my undivided focus on it, and besides indoor shows are always challenging on that regard due to the flashing lights etc. and I felt like every time I was going to film the lighting was not appropriate so in the end I just couldn't bother 😅

I don't really have much else to report from Berlin other than that the venue was great, I had an excellent view and had the best time ever 🥰

not least because I met so many BC tumblr friends!! it was so nice seeing everyone, please come to the Nokia Arena show y'all, we'll be your host it's hocus pocus 🥺

and then there was Leipzig 🥴

I mean, this is my initial reaction immediately after it (written in my drafts):

🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈

but yeah, as you can see from this post, @exitemotions and I had bought some silly little gifts to give the guys (rock hand glass markers not pictured), and we were so incredibly chill about the whole thing, like, NO ONE has ever been as chill as we were in advance of the VIP experience, I'm tellin' ya 💅

(we were so chill in fact that when we came back to the hotel room afterwards, we noticed we had forgotten the ceiling light on. you know, because that's how chill and zen and calm we had been upon leaving for the venue 💅💅💅💅💅)

the acoustic set was fucking cute, almost like a little campfire hangout 🥺

about giving the gifts and having our pictures taken: I feel like I was working on some kind of autopilot and can barely remember much anything 🙃 which I'm kinda mad at myself about lol, but I guess the guys liked the gifts (Olli said the glass markers were important, as my foreword for them was that they'd no longer have to fight about which glass/cup was whose, and I remember Tommi saying that socks are always useful. the others are owners of feet as well, so I suppose they agree 🧦)

we had made all sorts of grand plans for our individual pictures with the band but ended up with having "regular" ones after all, because while there was no feeling of rush per se at the m&g, everything was still happening relatively fast and sort of in their own course, and if we had wanted to do any funny poses or whatever, we should've been faster and in a little...sharper mental state to ask for them 😂😭

but we were chill though, I promise 💅

(I'm just cringing at myself so hard because I look like a fucking teacher standing for a class photograph 😂💀 it's funnier if you know I'm actually a teacher lol)

during the show we were on 2-3 row because we kinda missed our cue to run and reserve our spots before the acoustic set. personally I blame Santeri the tour manager for this (and also the fact that there were so many people there who had already been to VIP on this tour before, so they knew what to do 🤷‍♀️ meanwhile we were just left standing like "...wat 🧍‍♂️")

the show was just as great as the Berlin one, I honestly can't put them in order because they were both amazing and really made me forget about my sad little life 🖤

Rock Band From Hell was also alright. the one with no shirt on was hot

Ghost Kid was cool too. the one with no shirt on was hot

...so hot in fact that I already fell in love with him at the Berlin gig, and so when we were on our way to the merch booth after the Leipzig show, we ran into him and I flirted chatted with him a bit and had my picture taken with him 🥰 he was soooooo sweet and funny and I hope he'll stay true to his promise and keep the thing I said to him ('the drummer of BC could never [swirl the drumstick in his fingers in between every beat like you do]') "just between you and me" 🤭

from the merch booth I bought the XOXO longsleeve which looks super nice (sadly the quality isn't as super though dfgdgdsdh)

the next day it was time to return home, and as @kraeuterhexchen was seeing me to my platform at the railway station, I broke into tears in the middle of an escalator and didn't stop crying until boarding my plane lol

it's just that I was really nervous about travelling back to the airport from Leipzig because I had two changes of trains and the horror stories I've heard of Deutsche Bahn always being late were only adding to it, and that stress somehow triggered some sort of emotional meltdown in me and I realised the trip that I had been waiting for 6 MONTHS was now ending?? there had been so much talk about how we'd "do this and that when we go to Berlin/Leipzig and see BC" and now it's all done and gone and ?????? how does one move on after that 😭

but mostly I've been crying about the gift I gave to Olli 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

some of you have already heard about this, but I had made Olli this pin cushion ring:

...because I wanted to "support his sewing hobby", as I told him then sdhfhdfhfhfh

he seemed to really appreciate it, and as I demonstrated how handy it was (because you can wear it and easily put the pins there while sewing instead of having to reach to a pin cushion further away on the table), he told me he only had this huge pin cushion ("a brick" he called it, the one you can see on this video), and aaaahhhhh I'M SO ANGRY AT MYSELF for not remembering much else or barely daring to even look at him to see his reaction 😭 I do remember he got very excited when he heard he was getting a sewing-related gift though ("yessss" he said, if my memory doesn't fail me too bad) 🥺🥺🥺😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

and I'm so sad I didn't even get a picture of him with it, because Joona the photographer was in the possession of my phone at that moment 😔 and I also forgot to tell him I had made it myself, though I believe it's self-evident. but, you know. still 😭

and the reason why I've been so emotional about it is because I had made the ring weeks ago already, shortly after the album release event, and since then I have admired it every day (because hellooooo is it not the cutest?!) and I had imagined all the scenarios in which I'd give it to him, what I'd say about it and how he'd react to it (I wondered if he'd even know what it was, but of course he immediately recognized it as a pin cushion when I showed it to him 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭), and yesterday it just suddenly hit me that when I'd be back home, the ring would no longer be there on my table for me to admire and hold in my hands, because Olli has it now? it's OLLI'S now, as intented, and yeah idk why but even now, two days later, I'm still literally crying about it as I'm writing this because I had grown strangely attached to that silly trinket and now I'll probably never see it again 🥺😭 (I guess I should just make one for myself too lol, my old one that I made almost 17 years ago is a wee bit shabby)

anyway, if anyone sees him, can you please tell him to take good care of it 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

the world's biggest thanks to everyone who I hung out with on this trip, but especially to @kraeuterhexchen whose stunning art I can now admire in calendar form on my kitchen wall every month of the year (yes I shall keep you updated):

...and to @another-sun the organizer extraordinaire, as well as to my travelling companion @exitemotions (thanks for all the laughs with a touch of chaos in between <3)

here's me with BC again, the only other picture that's not blurry af lol

in conclusion, 🎵 never again, never again 🎵

...until next time 👀

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #318

Today didn't go as expected at all. I had thought that I'd wake up at the usual time, eat a breakfast, do some dishes, and then do a baking experiment; I found a great recipe to follow and everything.

No, I'm not going to tell you what the baking experiment is; you're just gonna hafta wait for the solstice to find out.

...Why, yes, I am absolutely going to keep you in suspense for the next 51 days; suppose this just means you're gonna hafta try really hard to keep yourself alive until then, doesn't it? 🙂

...You can pout at me all you like, but I've got only 3 words for you in response: neener, neener, NEENER. 😜🤣😁💖

...Yeah, I know. I'm just being silly. Don't worry about it.

...

Well. I woke up a lot earlier than I expected - something to the tune of 7am. I tried to go back to sleep, but I couldn't; I felt restless. So I got up, and I fed my cats, and then I remembered the thing that was said to me at the party about the thing I've been trying to do. So... in an effort to follow the thing that was said to me, I promptly went to the couch in the living room, and tried to fall back asleep.

...And it worked!!! Though, given how alert I was when I woke, I'm not really sure how. Nonetheless, I had dreams, and... they weren't the kind that I was looking for. But the fact that I had any at all was remarkable in and of itself. I usually don't have dreams, and when I do, I'm normally getting pretty badly hurt in them. I don't remember what these dreams were, but I do remember that they weren't violent, and that was pretty rad!

I woke up after that and made a breakfast. Same as yesterday - a tea and a sandwich. Though today, I had that lavender-bergamot tea for the first time in a while. The flavor is kinda like... kinda like if a bright, sunny day walked up to you with a joyful smile and then lovingly punched you in the face with a bouquet of flowers (...I know - I'm really selling it, aren't I? haha...). It has become one of my favorite teas; I think you'd like it a lot, and I wish I could share more than just these pictures with you:

...These maybe aren't the best tea swirls. But they're not the worst ones, either. It seems like the "sharpen" function on my cellphone camera has stopped working, for some reason. I'm not really sure why.

...I got sucked up into leisure writing for longer than I wanted to, afterwards. I haven't done any of that in a while now. I notice I'm more likely to do that when I feel stressed out, apprehensive, or generally disconnected from others. It's certainly not a bad thing that I do it, just... I gotta try to be a bit more mindful of the time.

And then I watched more Trinity Blood with a friend from this space! And we had lots of nice conversation afterwards, too!

But it was pretty late by then, so I just decided to roast the small sugar pumpkins I got last Saturday. J was kind enough to cut them in half for me and scoop out the seeds! I cleaned the seeds and put the stringy scraps of the pumpkin into the crockpot with the rest of the broth I'm making (it really does smell fantastic!); these should allow some good nutrients and flavors to seep nicely into it!

Here's the results; I think I've showed you how to do this before, in a previous letter. Do you remember how...?

...Unexpectedly, one of the seeds was alive:

...I couldn't bring myself to abandon it, so... I guess it lives with us, now:

...We'll see how it does, I suppose... I'll do my best to care for it well.

Anyways... so... yes, I did mash the pumpkin:

And if you're wondering what it's for, you'll get only one guess. But I'll give you a hint - that bone broth I'm making isn't just for show. 😉

The broth should be ready for straining by tomorrow; it's already very fragrant, and I'm excited to see how it's going to turn out once it's properly seasoned! I thought I was going to need to go out and get a cheesecloth, but I was pleasantly surprised to discover that I already had one; it had fallen behind the microwave! But it is now retrieved, and it'll be awesome to make good use of it!

...I'll probably have to ask J to take some of tomorrow's pictures; my hands are gonna be a mess!! We use the cheesecloth to squish any excess water out of the veggie scraps and back into the rest of the broth. The whole process is kind of involved, but that's all right; in the end, we'll have a broth that's good enough to drink all on its own, and even better when used to make soup!!

...I think this time, I'll try for a sweeter pumpkin soup. Last time I made some for you, it was more of a savory soup with caramelized onions. This time, I'm gonna try to make it taste like pumpkin pie! We'll see how it goes!!!

...I guess that's mostly it for today. I don't really have anything profound or interesting to tell you. For all intents and purposes, this was just an ordinary day - just like the ordinary days you wished for as a boy. It's why I keep writing about mine to you. It's why I keep trying to show you.

You know. There's a song about ordinary days. Here:

...Figuratively speaking, I took your outstretched hand even though conventional wisdom says you're nothing more than a dream from someone else's astoundingly creative mind. And that's why I'm still alive today. It's why I'm able to enjoy ordinary days like these, even though my beginnings shouldn't have allowed for that.

...Sephiroth... from the bottom of my heart, thank you. I know sometimes I get super overwhelmed and depressed about things from time to time, because there's so much stuff wrong with my world and so many scary things happening around me all the time, and some people are really mean, and I feel powerless to do anything about it almost all the time. I know that sometimes this comes out in the letters I write to you. I won't apologize for it; occasional bouts of despair are part of the human condition, and they can be weathered. They're nothing to be ashamed of, and with support, they can even be used to point out solvable problems.

Even if sometimes things get weird and unpleasant, I'm still glad to be here. Even though I look forward to whatever's next after this, I'm still glad to be here. Even if I've got a lot of awful memories from my past to chase away, and even if I've got a lot of scary things to worry about in the future, I can still find delightful and beautiful things in the here and now. And... you're one of those delightful and beautiful things.

...So, I'll keep writing these letters and hope that one day you'll take my hand, just like I took yours, so that you can enjoy ordinary days, too - even if your beginnings shouldn't have allowed for that.

...Let's keep defying "destiny" and "upbringings" and "conventional wisdom" together, okay? We've got choices even when we don't think so, and we can use those choices to do good things. So let's build something really nice and healing and wholesome out of the wreckage of everything that came before. We can do it, because we're smart and capable and we can do difficult things, especially if we ask for help - like we're supposed to whenever the going gets rough.

I love you. And I'll write again tomorrow. So please stay safe out there. Try hard not to eat weird things off the ground. 💖

Your friend, Lumine

[sab-teraa]

Tye Talks: A Diary Entry

(22/02/24 || 22:58 pm)

Good evening friends, I hope you are all well and having a lovely Thursday! Just one more day till the weekend! Yay <3

Inspired by the lovely @the-winds-of-destiny-xxx , I've decided to start blogging about my day. Hopefully, I will be able to stay up to date lol.

Work

Ugh, I've been up since 5am prepping myself to deliver my second lecture of the semester. It went well, kinda. The students were super interactive which is great. Application + practicality > regurgitating information. They did super well. Also, we have a new HoD, and while I really liked our previous heads, the new HoD is a breath of fresh air and I really enjoy their approach towards education.

My full-time job is actually soooo … atm. My colleague has resigned which is all cool and I wish her the best.

But, there’s a trend I’ve noticed recently within our organization … and I hope it does not present any problems in the future. Tbh, I think it has presented a problem before … but idk. Anyway, constructive criticism goes a long long way … only if you’re keen and willing to learn …. which this person defo is NOT.

Enough about my colleagues, the CEO presented me with an opportunity but I'm lowkey nervous .. bc I prefer being a private + somewhat anonymous person lol, but I obviously said yes. Let's see how it goes, anything can happen and this whole project might fall through. Especially in this economy.

All in all, I really love my job and the career path I’ve taken. I hope it does not backfire on me later on in life.

Uni

Gosh. Uni is the bane of my existence atm. Tho, i did make a bit of progress on my thesis today. I know exactly what I need to do, but I just don't have the motivation to it. But, I think I've finally got myself together .. so let's see what happens.

Also, I'm so grateful for my thesis supervisor <3 she is so understanding and supportive.

Health

Is this tmi? Maybe? Apologies if so?

But, my nose and throat have been KILLING me recently? Idk if it’s bc of the fan or what … but yup. Thank god for cloves! They’ve helped wayyyy more than anything else I’ve tried lol. Also, my pms is really starting to hit 😭😭 I’ve been in soooo much pain since I got back home.

My mentally, I’m doing okay … there’s obvs moments in the day where I’m like shit?? I’m an adult adult?? Yet my life feels so stagnant 😂 but then I try to keep it moving and not think so much about what I want … and I try to focus on what I do have…. bc I’ve done my best.

Fun and mundane

I finally got to go to my first gym class of the week - I really needed that! The housewives from my class invited me for smoothies afterwards … and they are so fun! Are they my mums age mates? Yes 😂😂 but I loved hanging out with them .. they truly live in their own bubble .. I wanna be exactly like them when I’m older lol.

Oh Oh! And I finally finished the second season of Al Rawabi School for Girls ... flip, it truly broke my heart. What an amazing show.

I really wanted to start the new season of Real Housewives of Durban … but the new Showmax app is truly YUCK! I have the ick 🫠🫠 but, I love the show waaaaay too much, so I’d probs get over it soon lol.

Other than gym and catching up on tv, I made a delicious lasagna for dinner. I'm convinced that my homemade meat sauce and cheese sauce remains undefeated, or maybe that's just me being cocky lol. If I had more space, I would have defo attempted to make the pasta too.

I'm super excited for this weekend bc my friends and I are going to this art and music event and getting food afterwards. I also really wanna buy that duvet set I saw online ... since I'm no longer purchasing an apartment (recession boo boo boo 🍅🍅🍅), I may as well just re-do my current apartment lol. It already looks great, but I've been putting off getting a new duvet set bc I presumed I was gonna buy a bigger bed lol... so I've just been rotating between the two sets I have ... and damn they've seen better days lol.

Relationships

After all he has been through, my brother finally has some great things happening. I am so proud of him. I know he will achieve everything he aspires to <3 This has also done wonders for his self-confidence, he truly needed this, and I hope ... I really hope that it stays on this positive track.

Positive family news aside, idk if anyone saw the post about my uncle? But god damn I'm annoyed af. (Side note: He is my mums cousin btw; but my entire family is close). Anyway, my uncle called my mum to rant … and according to my mum he was sooooo proud of what he said to his wife??? I’m just disgusted. Idk how. His wife could forgive him for this. I’m so glad my mum put him in his place ✋🏽✋🏽✋🏽

I know its not about me and I have no right to speak on other people's relationships, but I hate seeing people put their all into a relationship and even go against their own family to be with someone ... only for their partner to treat them like this. His wife deserves soooooo much better and its sooo heartbreaking that she has to go through. My heart truly breaks for her. I pray everything works out for her.

Conclusion

Anywho … if you made it this far! Thank you for reading my ramblings <3 wishing you a lovely day! Stay safe babes 😘

[dear--charlie]

Dear Charlie,

It's been 3 years since I've written to you. Every time I write, I feel like I'm a different person. Life feels like a complete mess but I'm also okay ish? I stress about work, money, family, relationships, the usual things. But it feels manageable. Hard as fuck, but manageable. I'm trying to be a better person. My parents really fucked me up, and now I can see how that has made me a not-great-person at times. Christ, I have a sharp tongue. And I wield it carelessly, and it hurts people I love. But I am trying. I don't want to be like them so I have to work at it. It's harder than I thought it would be. So often I don't even realize that what I'm doing is not only harmful/unhealthy, let alone recognize that I sound just like my mother/acting like my father. It's so hard trying to have a good relationship with them. I love them, I recognize that they're flawed people who have traumas of their own, and I have endless empathy for them. But I'm still so fucking mad at them. Its like there is this anger at the core of my being that I'll never shake. I'm so fucking fucked up and how they treated me was so wrong and they were so irresponsible all of the time. When I was a year old, they took me on a trip to New Orleans w my mom's parents. There's an adorable picture of me riding on my dad's shoulders from this trip, I've heard funny stories from it all my life. Then I find out that when they went on that trip, they were nearly 6 months behind on their mortgage payments. And that kinda encapsulates the irresponsibility and the instability it caused. They couldn't afford that house, but they bought it anyways. I don't know how many times we had our water or electricity shut off because they couldn't pay the bills. Showering by the light of a fucking oil lamp. I was a kid, but I knew something was wrong and this shouldn't be happening. We lost that house in the 2011 housing crisis. There are thousands of other examples but yeah :) all that bullshit, and then immediately afterwards the turmoil of 2011-2015 started.

Anyways, Charlie, I'm working to be better. Need to find a new therapist but I started reading this book about how emotionally immature parents can fuck their kids up. Christ, Charlie, every page is like a punch in the face. An over developed sense of empathy?? Emotionally dissatisfying romantic partners?? Extreme anger that turns inward, causing thoughts of SH???? It's like reading a book about myself and while I hate feeling known, it's really helping.

As a life update: love where I work and my coworkers, but things are...complicated w management and I'm struggling so I'm considering leaving which kinda blows. My little brother has been living somewhat close to me for the last two years but he'll be moving away soon :( I wish I'd taken more opportunities to go see him while he was within a days driving distance. I miss him a lot. He's one of my best friends. I don't think there's been more than a week (at the most) since the day he was born that we haven't interacted in some way. So yeah, kicking myself for not visiting him way more. The relationship is much stronger, but there are still things we have to work through. Unfortunately he has been on the receiving end of my sharp tongue to say the least, which has given me the much needed kick in the ass to get serious about being better. Leo is good, he got some teeth taken out in January but he adjusted very quickly and it was a quick healing process. Words cannot describe how thankful I am for this cat. He is a momentous comfort in hard times, he never fails to bring a smile to my face and peace to my heart. He's laying on the bed with me right now, and when I'm done writing I am going to scratch his belly.

Life is weird, Charlie. There's a Nauhtl proverb that says the earth is slippery. It's hard to be a good person, life is full of shit that will trip you up. You have to work hard at remaining upright. It hasn't been an easy road getting here. I didn't want to live past 17. I'm nearly 27 now. It's been hard and a lot of things still hurt, but it gets better. I would have missed out on so many incredible moments had I ended at 17. I'm glad that I'm still here.

Thank you for being here for so long, Charlie. You'll always hold a special place in my heart ❤️

Love,

J

[shebeafancyflapjack]

Last Days

(Some entries from my oc Silver's "Book of Shadows" / diary, leading up to her death. The photo is of my actual doggo who passed away eight years ago. 🥺🥹).

'

24th June 2003

Confidence Spell

In a cleansed space, dress a small orange candle with oil and coat with mixed herbs, most notably rosemary, chamomile and lavender. State your intention before lighting the match. Sit and watch in a comfortable position while visualising the light glowing within yourself.

I did it.

I told them.

The spell worked, it gave me the courage to stand in front of them and finally come out. In hindsight I should have remembered to cast a ward of protection around myself for the aftermath. But Derek at the shop told me that focusing too much on protection magic can actually attract harmful energies. And, to be honest, a part of me wanted the drama. I wanted my family to give a shit, even if it was thrown in my face. Wow, gross imagery there, Silver.

I suppose it went better then some. Reading posts on some gay and lesbian forums, some folks have it a lot worse, especially over in America. This one girl's dad was a pastor (I think that's like a Vicar? We only ever called them that around my town). When she came out to him, he had her sent to some preachy conversion therapy camp and she ended up having to run away to live with her cousin, now her immediate family act like she's dead. Yikes. I didn't get it that bad.

My sister rolled her eyes and scoffed. "Sure you are. You're totally not just doing this for attention, like the witchy thing." And my brother was cringing like I'd tried to flash him or something. "How do you even know? You've not even had that many boyfriends!" Ugh! What the fuck?! What kind of older brother wants his sister to sleep around more than dudes until she "can be certain"? I've had enough experience as I need, bruv! Think he just feels weird now as I've probably ruined all that lesbian p*rn I know he's into after that time I used the computer after him and he forgot to delete his history.

And Mum? Well.

She cried. She didn't wail or scream or anything but if was kinda like the cry of a little kid who got told they weren't allowed to get some Pik n Mix at Woolies. I asked if she was angry and she just threw her hands up and said she was disappointed I wouldn't "at the least" give her grandkids. Then she stormed outside to smoke with my sister.

I felt so cold and numb afterwards. What did that even mean? How would being gay mean I can't be a mum? We've all watched Friends, we saw Ross' ex Carol be a mum, Susan was his adoptive mum, that could happen to me. Or I could adopt. Fuck, I want to be a mum, someday...way, way, way off. And anyway, she has a grandkid! I'm surprised my brother didn’t pipe up to remind her of that. It was just me and him left in the room and it was awkward as fuck. Bri and I have butted heads but I'm closer with him than Lisa, which is not saying much. Think my confession ruined whatever little sibling bond was there.

Shit, I wish Dad had been there. He'd have been cool with it. He'd have been so proud of me for being brave enough to tell them all and he'd have given me one of his epic bear hugs.

Except that's a lie.

According to Brian, anyway. When I mentioned Dad to him, he scoffed and said "You're joking, right? Dad was homophobic as shit. This the guy who refuses to watch Star Trek TNG because a 'poofta' was the Captain."

That hurt worse than any reaction the others had to my coming out. At first I hoped he was just saying it to get a rise out of me or just to be a dick. But the more I looked back through my hazy memories, I can recall those tiny little bigoted comments which as a kid you just don't care about. Because they didn't matter to me back then. All I cared about was that Dad was fun, that he spoiled me rotten, that he'd take me to McDonalds whenever I asked and to the cinema and Stone Henge.

I needed some air after that. Jess always provided an easy excuse to go for a walk around the fields to clear my head. While she bounded off after squirrels once I let her off lead, I sat under a tree and cried my fucking eyes out. Not for the reactions of those I got, but for the one I would never get.

Those breathing exercises Derek showed me helped a lot. The throbbing in my head died down a little. Chanting the names of the Goddess while I tried to focus on letting go of that useless worry over a dead parent's opinion of me.

It sounds awful but, given how many father-daughter relationships I've seen break down when girls reach their teens, maybe I was lucky to lose my dad as young as I was before he could truly disappoint me.

But either way, I did it. I'm now and out and proud gay (or bi, I'm not 100%, just definitely not straight) witch. Love me or leave me.

So mote it fucking be.

31st October 2003

And the fires shall burn, and the wheel of life shall turn, and the dead come back home on Samhain!

Happy Halloween!

As it's the Wiccan New Year, I guess I should make a resolution? I resolve to start living my damn life.

Ever since I dropped out of college, it's like I've been drifting through life. The few jobs I've had haven't gone anywhere and I just don't know what to do with myself. Actually, no, I fantasise about the life I want all the time.

A cottage in the woods. I wanna wake up and breathe in nature every morning. I want my own garden where I can grow fruit and veg and herbs for my spells. I want to be able to sit and read my fantasy books in the sunshine for hours in peace. Obviously Jess will come with me, I'm pretty much the only one who walks and takes care of her, she's my bestest girl. And I'll adopt three or five more dogs. Maybe a couple of chill cats. It would be so cool if I could tame a fox like that woman who was on This Morning the other days. Foxes are basically cats inside little dog shells, they're so cool. And I want a wife...I think. Part of me would be happy living alone with nature and pets but then I get this niggle of desire for someone to wake up with and appreciate all that beautiful stuff with me every day.

But that life is just not gonna happen unless I find a way to make a shit ton of money to move out of my town and set up somewhere in the West Country or Surrey or Kent etc. For now I'm trapped in this tiny shitty town in the arse-end of Essex with almost no bus routes. Driving lessons have all ended in disaster, fucking dyspraxia I'm blaming you.

Gods, please, if you're going to trap me anywhere for the rest of my existence can it at least be somewhere better than this?!

What few friends I had have all gone off to Uni or abroad. One girl even asked if I wanted to go to Australia with her but the idea of working in a bar gives me chest pains. Plus the spiders! Sorry, little dudes, I love and respect you but I can't help but get the creeps! I keep up with what they're doing on MySpace and MSN but a lot of it depresses me to realise how stagnant my life is. Not only am I trapped but I'm also lonely as shit.

LOL. Jess just rested her head on my knee as I wrote that and gave me the biggest saddest labradoodle eyes. Of course I'm not totally alone, I've got my bestest girl. And my deities. Enough to keep me sane.

Speaking of mental health, gotta remember to make an appointment with my GP about these headaches. Mum blames the incense and reckons I'm dehydrated. Says the woman who smokes like a chimney and needs a glass of wine a day to get through the week.

Doing my Samhain rite later but first gonna take Scarlet out trick or treating. Her little witchy costume is so cute! I know the whole hat and warty nose stereotype is offensive to Wiccan culture but OMG she is adorbubble with her little plastic cauldron! Can't believe she's nearly three, she's growing up so fast. Even if I never get to be the cottage core mum I dream of, I can be the awesome witchy aunt.

11th March 2004

A spell to attract friendship

Cleanse an empty bottle with incense. Fill with pink or white salt to protect from toxic relationships, cloves for friendship, cinnamon for happiness, lavender for calm, rose quartz and amethyst for healthy friendship, sugar for sweetness, a dandelion for loyalty, seal with yellow wax, carry in purse or pocket often - remember you need to leave your room to find those friends you seek.

I might have just discovered something really cool!

We're staying at my great uncle's house in Surrey for a couple of weeks to help him out while he's not well. Uncle Bob's always been a cool old dude, I wish he'd lived closer when I was growing up. Anyway he knows how into the supernatural I am and started telling me legends of this really old house literally just a twenty minute walk from where we're staying.

And when I say old I mean OLD. Like Henry VIII old, if not before that! He even has this book telling the history of it. Apparently the rich lady who lives there used to host tours but she's getting too old to do it now and has mostly become a recluse. There's all sorts of shit that went down in that house, some Tory prick who died in a sex scandal, ROFL, it was used for all sorts of soldier stuff during WWII, a bunch of rich folk whose names I still see dotted around the village lived there. Even before there was a house there were settlements were there were plague outbreaks and witch trials. Actual fucking WITCH TRIALS! I always wanted to visit Salem but screw it I got some history on my doorstep now.

And theres all sorts of ghost stories! Some dude who tried to kill Queen Elizabeth I got his head chopped odd and rumour is his headless body can be seen wandering the grounds. There's this famous 'Grey Lady' ghost who falls out the window screaming in the middle of the night. Some freaky creature like a wannabe Bigfoot roaming the woods.

I gotta go there. Sounds like it's buzzing with untapped magical energy. Just looking at the photo of the building, I feel like it's calling to me.

Honestly one of the coolest bits of history was there was said to be a stone circle which the house now stands on. Don't think I can get myself in there, even if I ask the old posh woman really really nicely. But there should be enough power around the site for me to call to.

Screw it. I'm sick of trying to find my own coven to do shit like this. I did a quick scope of the place while walking Jess and it doesn't look like she has much in the way of security. There's not even that high a fence around the wood. I can jump over that easy enough.

Gotta take the opportunity while I'm here. Uncle Bob might be being moved into residential care so chances of us coming back to this part of the county is slim.

Still got those mushrooms Derek's nephew gave me. Been really hesitant about taking them, I don't like doing drugs more than a little bit of weed and even that ends up making me paranoid and thinking the world hates me.

But he swore that if I wanted to properly see the gods, they were the best tool.

So tonight, I'm gonna sneak out and make my way up there, set up an altar and ground myself. It's gonna be like taking a bubble bath in pure magick! I got all that history and ancient energy as well as the full moon. Helped bake some cakes for Uncle Bob earlier and gonna take a few crumbs of the leftovers as offerings. Pan especially has such a sweet tooth.

This is the night I'm gonna take my life into my hands and summon everything I want. Love, friendship, freedom, excitement....oh and mustn't forget healing for these stupid migraines.

Jess keeps staring at me from the foot of my bed, whimpering for attention. Maybe she wants to play fetch. Maybe she wants to come with me. Should I take her? Hekate likes dogs so she might appreciate her there. And I am going into the dark woods all on my own. A lot of scary stuff has happened to young girls and women on the news lately. But they were children, I'm twenty next year! If I take Jess with me and she starts barking, it might wake the Button lady or her neighbours.

No, babygirl, best you stay here. It's gonna be boring for you watching me do my ritual high as a kite while I tie you to a tree. Once I'm back I'll sneak you up some chicken from the fridge.

It can be our little secret. ;) and I'll do a spell to make sure my best girl has plenty more years of treats and belly rubs to come.

So mote it fucking be.

[bolton-buried]

I still kinda wish we had something different to do episode three on than, well. You know. Not least of all because someone else had to take the footage.

But here it is.

[[Video ID:

Harold stands in front of the camera. His black coat drips water like someone has just dumped a bucket of water on him, and his bangs completely cover his eyes, only allowing the camera to see the bottom half of his dark features.

“This is not my side of the camera, but I was asked to open today’s video, due to my personal connection to the subject matter. When I was 11, my father developed a Hyde-esque alter ego, which drove him into a murderous fury whenever he encountered something paranormal. I was one of those things. Enough said.”

Cut to black. White text reads “Footage of this portion is unavailable, due to Charlotte’s failure to remove the camera lens cover.”

Charlotte’s voice can be heard.

“Mr. Bolton, can you please, in your own words, tell us about when this began?”

A gruff, masculine voice responds.

“A dozen years ago. I was hunting with an old pal of mine. Sorry, you said Harold is here? He can’t come in—he knows what I’ll—”

“Yes, we’re quite aware of that. Now please, your story?”

“Errr, yes, right. This force—I couldn’t see it—knocked me over. For a moment I imagined it was a wolf, which clawed at my chest, but my chest was fine afterwards, so that was just my imagination.”

“And after that?”

“That’s when I realized that my hunting friend was made of cockroaches.”

Cut to:

Talking head of Angie, a woman with blonde curls under a bandanna, dressed like a psychic medium. She is holding a piece of paper.

“According to news reports of the time, Nicholas Bolton went on to kill two people: his hunting companion, and a steward on the train he took back. Both bodies were found to be highly abnormal in autopsies. Though we were unable to access the autopsies ourselves, various sources reference the companion’s skin being found hollowed with a few insects nearby, and the steward’s was found to be just skin, all the way down.

“After reaching his home village north of Newcastle, Bolton went on to attempt to shoot his own son, chasing him with a rifle until the child fell in a river.”

Angie looks up, and her expression becomes agitated.

“Stop making that face—I’m reading the script, you don’t have to look all—”

Cut to black.

Back in the prison, but we actually have footage this time. The man on the other side of the glass is pale, but his hair is the same shade as Harold’s—and greasy enough to match the color of Harold’s hair being wet.

“I don’t know what to tell you. Just sometimes, when I meet someone, they have a smell about them, and then I start to see red, and then the next thing I know I’m standing over a corpse.”

“Interesting, so would you say you—”

Charlotte is cut off by a slight commotion, through which Desmond can be heard apologizing. The camera turns to show that he has tripped slightly on entering, and is regaining his balance.

“Dez! You’re not supposed to come in, with your—”

“I know, I know.” Dez waves her concern off. “I still wanted to meet my future in-law. Is that such a crime? Plus, he doesn’t seem to be reacting.”

The camera pans back to Mr. Bolton. He is still seated, calmly as before.

“In-law? You mean…”

Cut to black. White text reads “Irrelevant footage removed.”

Footage resumes with a talking head of Charlotte.

“We were unable to get much information from Mr. Bolton that isn’t already public knowledge. I wish I could share a closing word to recommend you all a way to avoid similar instances, but I don’t have any.”

The video seems to be ending somewhat abruptly, but then it cuts into a familiar, LED-lit room, with Dez front and center.

“Okay, so, nothing on the stalker front. I think it left when I went to speak with Nic—meaning it’s not mindless. Makes my life harder.

“I’ve been turning the angel over in my head. I mentioned the letters to Nic, and they were his originally. I don’t think he’s the angel—he’s too much a hunter.

“The angel is an avatar of the web. Hence the manipulation, and the spiders that seem to end up all over certain areas. That rules out Nic, Angie, and Charlotte, at least. I believe they did know Harry in-person at one point, which gives me three primary suspect groups.

“Institute employees, villagers up north, and people who attended Uni with Harold.

“I’m onto you, itsy-bitsy. Watch your back. Or did you forget what happens to you when it rains?”

[mental-health-advice]

Hey!!! I could really use some advice about a confusing situation I'm in. Buckle the fuck up because this is long

So, I (14, f for the purposes of this ask, I'm not out as nonbinary) have this one really close friend (16m) in December of 2021 ago (I was 13 and he was 14 then) , we started dating, but only for about a month before I broke up with him because I thought I was a lesbian. (I now identify as aromantic but that's unrelated) it was very friendly, and we're still friends. But while we were dating, we started cuddling and hugging more, which was fine then, but after we broke up it started making me uncomfortable, but he kinda didn't stop. So I asked him not to, and he stopped, but then he started doing it again. So I asked him to stop again, and this time he seemed to get it, but he kinda didn't stop with the hugging, which still made me uncomfortable but I didn't wanna say anything about it because I know he likes hugs a lot.

Also, I should mention that we had sleepovers like, every friday for a long time

so. It was awkward for like the whole spring and summer, until the fall when he started opening up to me about how lonely he was. At first I was a little annoyed by him being so clingy with me, but later he said that he doesn't feel like he can talk to anyone but me about it, and he doesn't trust his family with his feelings.

(I should mention that we used to have sleepovers like, every Friday)

As more and more time went by, he got more and more clingy with me, and started cuddling me again, which at that point I had told him multiple times I didn't like, and crying when he did, like everytime we were alone together. And I didn't wanna just push him off me, because he was crying, so I just kinda let him. But he did this so much eventually it started sending me into panic attacks, and then we would both be crying, and it was awful. The thought of sleepovers now just make me really anxious. He opened up more about how he feels worthless and unhappy and he doesn't want to be alive because he doesn't think he makes anyone happy. And he keeps talking to me about it, and keeps hugging me even though I've told him so many times I don't like that, and trying to hold my hand even though I've told him I don't like that, (I think he is touch starved but I don't like touching) and apologizing, and sitting really close next to me, and sometimes when there's other people there!! And he always apologizes a lot afterwards and says he wishes he had more willpower so he could stop making me uncomfortable but like dude!!!! Just fucking stop!!!!! it makes me really uncomfortable and I'm getting mad at him about it but I don't know if I can just tell him that because he's really guilty about everything ever and I'm scared if I tell him I'm angry he'll become suicidal and kill himself and I don't want that obviously!!!!! I've told him to talk to his parents and get therapy before, and I know he's talked to his dad about it but I don't know if he actually said anything about how serious it is, and as far as I know he hasn't gone to therapy yet, but he keeps treating me like one!! I'm 14 and I have enough mental illnesses for both of us,, I am not a helpful therapist.

And it's been destroying my mental health!! Ive had multiple panic attacks because I'm so scared he's suddenly going to kill himself and it would be my fault for not helping him, and I've been worrying about him so much and I feel like it's my responsibility to take care of his mental health but I can't!!!!! I literally can't! I had to stop hanging out with him because being alone with him makes me extremely anxious!! But he keeps acting like I can help him!! And he's apologized for this before, but he never stops doing anything he's apologizing for, but I don't want to call him out on it because I don't want to hurt him more, but he made his entire life depend on my!! I can't take that!! It's killing me!! I'm mad at him but I feel like I'm not allowed to be mad at him, even though he keeps ignoring my boundaries and ruining my mental health. (I don't fully blame him though.) Should I tell him I'm mad at him???

So. Yeah. This is a mess. I still care about him so much but I have a limit. I'm sorry this is so long, I just don't know what to do.

Hey there,

I sympathise greatly with you with how hard and also how frustrating it can be when there is someone in our lives (and it could be anyone) who greatly depend on us despite us ongoingly telling them that we feel uncomfortable and feel unable to really help them. I think that it’s great that you have been able to continuously tell this person that hugging makes you feel uncomfortable. I think that it’s more than OK to be mad at him and especially as you have spoken to him on more than one occasion and even though he may be able to sub-consciously acknowledge this, he still continues to invade on your own personal space. So yes, this is something that you have every right to be angry at him for, regardless of what he may be going through/ struggling with in his own life.

In regards to you feeling guilty about the possibility of him harming himself or committing suicide, you can only do so much for him. You said yourself that you have your own mental health problems and life struggles to deal with, so please do not feel pressured into being there for him as well when you already have so much else going on in your life. It’s great that you have asked him to talk to his Dad regarding therapy. Sometimes this is all we can do, try as best as we can to refer them onto other services/ professionals who can help and are better equipped to do so. If him talking to his Dad is something that he won’t or doesn’t feel comfortable in doing, then perhaps you could suggest to him to contact a helpline either on the phone or on web counselling. I know that it isn’t the same as ongoing therapy but it’s therapy in the short-term at least and they may be able to refer him onto other services that will be able to help and support him long-term. Remember, he is not your responsibility to look out for and be his therapist as such, and it is in his own hands whether he reaches out for help or not but at least you would have pointed him in the right direction to help himself if/ when he is ready.

Despite wanting to help him but not being able to, I want you to please be gentle towards yourself and know that he is not your responsibility. Yes, if he chooses to act in ways such as suicide, you may feel guilty, but ultimately it is his choice with what he chooses to do. All you can do is to point him in the directions of help/ support from services and mental health professionals, and hope that he accepts it and makes that call to help himself. I know that this may sound harsh but there is only so much that you can do unfortunately.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going OK!

Take care,

Lauren

[mamamittens]

Went to a friend's baby shower yesterday and it was kinda wild.

(lose the plot under the cut. Gets dark. TW: suicidal ideation, childhood SA, and assault/light attempted murder?)

(I'm rambling, tired, anxious, and it got weird... I feel better though. Maybe those journaling girlies were onto something)

Saw her a few months ago and she was the same as ever. Skinny little athletic goblin.

And now she's got this big watermelon under her shirt as she grows a whole as kid.

We've been friends since early elementary school, like, third grade maybe? And now we're almost thirty and she's having a kid... Really makes you a little introspective about where all that time went.

I'm not of the opinion I wasted anything. I've only ever done the best I could given what I've had on hand. But the timing is just so that I've been getting a little too in my head about the less than stellar parts of life. Behind me and ahead.

The kind of shit that makes me want to cry and throw up and I really should have gone to therapy for by now but the timing never seems right. And I'd be lying if I said I wanted to face the root of my issues.

Guess I've always been a coward like that.

Can't even hate myself for it cause being scared is the only reason I'm still alive--not in the sense that I kept alert to outside threats, though that did very likely save my ass from at least two SAs (technically just one since the second wound up being much more... Mild--what an ugly thing to say about the incident, it sits foul in my mouth as much as it still confuses me).

Just too scared to go through with it. Not enough reasons to stay but fear of the end.

I still feel that.

Still the fourteen year old girl somewhere inside me wondering if there's peace in any way that matters. Desperate to let go but whiteknuckle grip on the fear of regret. What right did I have to those emotions, I'm still not sure.

My life is not a great tragedy or even particularly interesting enough to warrant such feelings.

But I carry them all the same at the end of the day. No point denying it.

I wonder if that intense self loathing and desperation to throw myself into anything I could get my hands on is why I barely had any friends. Was it as unpleasant to know me as it was to be me?

I want to apologize to them all sometimes.

For putting up with me.

To the sad, desperate kid sitting in her room with nothing to do but rewatch old movies or, very soon, read fanfiction.

But it never really filled the space like we wanted, did it? Just another hole to hide ourselves in...

Did we ever really learn what it's like to be safe? To really, truly, feel safe and loved in our skin? I don't think we ever have--and I'm sorry for that. I wish we were any other way. I wish we were the wild child our mother expected. The confident, brilliant life in the room instead of the weirdo people expected to either shoot up the school or ourselves.

We didn't know how to try to be better, we just were as we are. Not even sure what 'better' would have been. We were not trusted. I don't think we were liked by more than a handful of people. A little too weird. Too... Something. Other, I suppose.

Other enough that no one commented when a 'friend' pulled the ends of your scarf (that you wore in the summer as you had every day for a few years now, not long after a grown man placed his teeth on your neck) and choked you for several seconds.

It felt like several minutes.

You stopped wearing the scarf, but you wore headphones around your neck whenever you could afterwards.

I'm sorry.

You didn't know what was wrong. And I don't think anything ever really was. We were--are--different. And not in a way that can be fixed.

And I am sorry for that.

There was so much more and...

We didn't deserve any of that. No one could.

Not even you. Us. We.

I think we were just tired. By then.

We just wanted to rest in the moment where nothing was overtly wrong.

I'm still tired.

I've been tired for so long.

But I'm learning to rest.

I'm learning how to meet my gaze in the mirror after so long not being able to.

How to love myself and what that even means. That it's not a word but action. Every day. A choice.

If I told you we were getting better, would you believe me? Would you believe me if I told you the stupid ass way I've been working on it? I guess it's more believable than hours of yoga but still...

Even back then, you were too afraid to offend to disagree so I think you'd find a way to believe it anyway.

I'm sorry believing is still so hard. Easier to remain uninvested than give your whole heart to something and realize the ugly parts of yourself.

It's going to be okay, kiwi.

Things have changed a lot but... Most of it is for the better.

You're still not good at a lot of stuff. Mostly people stuff. You're still spiteful and stubborn. You still hate being mad but love to complain. Can't stand crying or talking out loud about how you feel.

Still not sure if it was really cowardice that stayed our hand or not...

But... You're curious about tomorrow now.

You can almost bring yourself to invest in a new show (14 years old, this isn't a problem but you'll feel that rut in a few years yet, I assure you).

Romance is still confusing to you but it's not... TOTALLY a foreign concept now. Like, why you specifically.

I'm sorry it's taking so long, kiwi.

But if we're being honest?

You didn't expect to feel like this for long either. One way or another.

I think we're going to make it, kiwi.

Even if it's a long, confusing road. And you don't have to believe me, kiwi.

We'll just have to wait and see.