#and we don’t focus on the fact that she’s a rape victim anymore because it doesn’t suit our modern pallet

[quidam-sirenae]

I’m also not saying the idea of Odysseus as a straying husband is a *bad* way to read the odyssey (Ovid read it that way!) it’s just way too overdone and people are starting to take it as fact not as one possible reading of the story

[ravennm84]

Don’t Mess with my Friends, Don’t Mess with my Family

TRIGGER WARNING: This story contains physical, verbal, emotional abuse and talk of rape; please be aware before proceeding. And know that if you are a victim and need help, don’t give up, there are people out there who can and want to help you.

This is a story told from Lila’s point of view, about how down hill her life has gone because of the choices she’s made. Lots of Lila salt to come!! Warm-Fuzzies and please enjoy!!

Life had not been kind to Lila Rossi for many years now. It had all fallen apart during lycee, starting when she had pushed that bitch, Marinette Dupain-Cheng, down the stairs. It had been the first day at their new school and she hadn’t noticed the hall monitor, the teacher, or the security cameras. They had caught video and audio of Lila threatening the girl before giving her a hard push down the stairs. Before she could even say a single thing in her defense, the teacher had grabbed her by the arm and marched her down to the principal’s office to wait for her mother. No matter how many times she tried to lie, the witnesses and video proved that she was the one who hurt Maribrat.

Lila had been suspended for three weeks and later expelled at her hearing after evidence of her harassing the same girl during college had surfaced during the investigation by the Board of Governors. Lila’s mother, had been absolutely furious and had been struggling to find another lycee that would accept her daughter; but the assault, bullying, and forgery of her signature and multiple doctors’ notes were now on her permanent record, making it a struggle.

The next incident occurred two weeks after her expulsion, Hawkmoth had been defeated and unmasked as Gabriel Agreste. That meant no more akumas for her to try and destroy Marinette or Ladybug, no more being a Gabriel model, and no way to force Adrien into being her boyfriend. She had lost her ride to the top.

In fact, with his father out of his life, Adrien seemed to have grown a spine and did a tell-all on TVi News a few days later. He admitted how his father seemed to change after his mother “disappeared”, how he tried to do anything and everything to please him, but it was never enough. He talked about the long hours on photoshoots, which were against child labor laws, and the way his diet had been strictly monitored. How he’d considered it a large victory to finally go to school, but that freedom was constantly under threat by his father if anything went wrong.

Then he went into the first time something did go “wrong”, when he had borrowed his father’s book to look over it, only for it to be stolen. 

“You say ‘stolen’, do you know who did that?” Nadja Chamack asked him.

“Yes, I do. Her name is Lila Rossi and she has been the bane of my existence since the day I met her.”

Lila was speechless as she and her mother watched the news. She wanted to hide in her room but her mother kept her in her seat as they continued to watch Adrien vent his grievances about her.

“She stole the book from me and threw it away after she got what she wanted out of it. If my friend, Marinette, hadn’t seen her take the book in the library and then throw it in the trash, it might have ended up in a landfill somewhere. She then claimed to be the holder of the fox miraculous and Ladybug’s best friend. Only Ladybug, herself, showed up a couple minutes later because she had seen Lila’s fake interview on the Ladyblog. She told her to stop lying since it was dangerous and she hated liars. I can’t even be mad at Ladybug for calling her out, since she was right.

“After that, Lila practically became a stalker. She followed me everywhere, lied to people about how close we were, lied about one of my best friends, Marinette, to isolate her since she knew Lila was a liar, lied her way into my house and got Nathalie and my bodyguard in trouble, but that wasn’t even the worst of it. She started working with Gabriel to keep an eye on me.” Adrien practically spat his father’s name, looking absolutely hurt and disgusted as he continued on. “He made me start working with her while she kept trying to isolate me from my friends, telling him who the ‘bad influences’ were in my life, and telling everyone that we were in a relationship. I couldn’t even contradict her because she threatened me!”

“How did she threaten you?” Nadja asked, her voice full of concern when she saw Adrien shaking.

“Told me that if I didn’t do everything she said and agreed with her when she lied, she would get me pulled out of school again. I didn’t realize how bad it could be, but then she started tou-touching me and kissing me without my permission. When I told her to stop, she’d grab my arm and dig her nails in until I bled, I’ve still got scars from all the times she grabbed me too hard.”

Lila really wanted to be anywhere else but sitting beside her angry mother at this point. Everything Adrien was saying maybe true, but there was no actual proof. Those scars could have been caused my anyone and she had never written down any agreement with-

“The only thing I could do was get proof of what she was doing, so one of the times when Lila was forcing herself on me, I had a camera going in my dressing room. I even made sure to have the manager put up signs that the area was under video surveillance so it would stand up as evidence in court.”

Well, shit.

“With your permission, Adrien, may I play the recording.” Nadja asked him, her voice gentle and reassuring. Taking a breath, Adrien nodded while closing his eyes and covering his ears.

The recording showed Adrien getting his shoes on in his dressing room before standing quickly and backing away when the door opened. “What are you doing in here, Lila? I’m trying to get dressed.”

“I don’t mind, there’s nothing wrong with a girlfriend seeing a little more of her boyfriend,” Lila purred as she stepped into the frame.

Adrien took a step back. “We’re not dating, and I’m not comfortable with you being here. Now get out.”

Lila gulped, remembering this day. It hadn’t struck her as strange at the time why Adrien seemed to be talking back to her more than normal, and she had taken her anger out on him. Now it all made perfect sense…

The video showed Lila stomping over with a cruel grimace on her face before she roughly pushed him against the wall. She then proceeded to dig her nails into the soft parts of his arms. “I think you’ve come to the delusional conclusion that you actually have a choice in the matter, Adrien~,” her voice continued to purr, but the angle of the video showed a threatening gleam to her eyes. “Unless you do what I say, you can kiss everything good in your life goodbye. You’ll go back to being homeschooled; your little friend, Marinette will be expelled again and it will stick this time, I’ll even tell everyone that you tried to rape me and people will believe it because I’m a girl.”

Lila dug her nails in harder, causing Adrien to whimper before she leaned in to give him, what the audience saw as a forceful, sloppy kiss.

“Hurry up now, we don’t want to keep the photographer waiting.” Lila said in a sing-song voice before skipping out of the room.

Adrien took a few breaths before looking at the camera and stepping closer. Pulling up the sleeves of his shirt, the video clearly caught the nail marks that were already bleeding and forming bruises before the video stopped and returned to Adrien and Nadja. “That is only one of multiple incidences where Lila hurt or forced herself on me. I tried talking to my fa- to Gabriel  about what she was doing, but he only told me that Lila would be a ‘good match’ for me and that I should consider dating her. Now that he’s out of my life, I want everyone to know the kind of people both of them are. I refuse to let Lila Rossi have any more power over me. I’ve already filed police reports and a restraining order, given them the video recordings, and sworn statements. Even if it feels like I’m running away from my problems by doing this, I never want to see either of them ever again!”

The rest of the interview became background noise as Mrs. Rossi began screaming at her daughter for doing such despicable things, but was interrupted when the police came knocking on their door a few minutes later. Her mother ordered the police to get Lila out of her sight and that she would be waving whatever diplomatic immunity she may have.

That was eight years ago. Since that night; Lila had stood trial for her crimes against Marinette and Adrien, was found guilty, and had been deported back to Italy where she served seven years of a 10 year jail sentence. Now that she was out, all she could think of was the same thing that had been on her mind since that night, destroying Marinette Dupain-Cheng and Adrien Agreste. First thing she did was look them up on the internet at the library, since she didn’t have a job, laptop, or smartphone anymore. 

Adrien was reported to be living a quiet life at an undisclosed location in France. He’d quit modelling, sold off his father’s company, and had graduated from a private lycee with his close friend, Marinette. Lila tried contacting her followers from college to discern his exact location, but many had changed their numbers. Those who hadn’t, hung up the moment they figured out she was calling and then blocked her number. Deciding to save finding Adrien for another day, Lila decided to focus on Marinette. That bitch was a lot easier to trace; and the more she read, the angrier she got. 

Marinette had become well known as a designer; becoming the go-to girl for musicians, movie stars, and the powerful elite. There were multiple articles on her clothes, how they were always praised and seen as the new wave of fashion. She had won countless awards and had founded her own fashion house two years earlier! Lila recognized one of the models as that quiet, goth freak, Juleka. That girl had been named the top female model three years in a row! Lila quickly decided that she would take the time to ruin that girl’s life as well, once she was done with Maribrat.

More research showed that Marinette also did charity work; including multiple high end donations, school sponsorships, and there was even a video clip of her standing with Rose and Prince Ali doing a ribbon cutting at a children’s hospital in Achu. The look of pure happiness on both of the women’s faces made Lila’s teeth grit so hard they almost cracked.

But the worst, the absolute worst thing she read was an article in which Marinette talked about balancing her career and family life. The bitch hadn’t married Adrien, it was a small comfort, but not much. Instead, she had married Luka Couffaine, Juleka’s older brother. He’d made a name for himself as an international rockstar, only rivaled by his father, Jagged Stone. Reading his list of popular songs, Lila’s anger swelled when she realized that she’d heard more than a few of those songs over the radio in prison. The two had a blissfully happy marriage, no scandals or anything that Lila could use against them. They even had a child! A little girl named Melody that looked to be three years old.

Lila had never hated Marinette Dupain-Cheng… Marinette Couffaine, more in her entire life! The bitch had the life that should have been Lila’s; rich, famous, respected, and with a handsome/rich husband. Even her brat daughter looked cute. SHE HATED IT!

She was five seconds away from screaming and punching out the computer screen when she saw the most recent article. Marinette and her family were coming to Milan, Italy next week for Fashion Week. She was going to be showing her autumn and winter lines and was scheduled to be one of the biggest shows of Fashion Week.

A cruel smile stretched across her lips as her mind was already forming a plan, but things would be different this time. She wasn’t going to stop with just hurting Marinette or ruining her reputation. No, this time, nothing would satisfy Lila other than that bitch’s life.

~oOo~

In the days leading up to Fashion Week, Lila had made her way to Milan and staked out the airport to wait for her prey to arrive. She watched the arrival of every limo that came, day and night, until the family arrived. When she saw them, she sneered at how sickly-sweet they appeared. Luka held his guitar case in one hand, Marinette held her purse on her opposite hand, and their daughter was giggling between them, holding both of their hands and wearing a small Ladybug backpack. The little girl giggled as her parents swung her into the air by her hands and they smiled down at her in adoration.

Lila easily followed them to their hotel, stacking it out as she learned their routine. Within three days, she saw how the three of them would have breakfast together every morning before Marinette would walk to the venue where her show would be held a couple blocks away, while Luka stayed with their daughter. Luka and Melody would go to the venue later in the day to pick her up, and then they would walk back to the hotel together. Deciding to make her move on the fourth day, Lila stole a decent sized kitchen knife from a restaurant and waited half way down the second block during the morning.

Sure enough, Marinette came strolling down the sidewalk, seemingly without a care in the world. However, there was a slight difference today, her daughter was holding Marinette’s hand as she sang one of her daddy’s songs. Lila barely pondered for a second if she should hold off on killing Marinette until the little girl wasn’t around, but immediately disregarded the thought. If nothing else, she could kidnap the girl while leaving the bitch with just enough life to hear her daughter screaming for mommy. That would be even better!

So, brandishing her knife, Lila jumped away from the the building she’d been leaning against to kill her hated enemy and get revenge for ruining everyt-

The next thing Lila knew, was waking up to an EKG machine beeping to her right, her left arm handcuffed to the bed, and her entire body hurt. Her right arm and right leg were both in casts and she could feel a large bandage on her head. She would find out later, when speaking to her court appointed attorney, exactly what had happened to her. And it wasn’t because he told her, oh no, it had all been caught on another damn surveillance camera.

Lila had jumped from her spot with the knife, only for Marinette to push her daughter behind her, grab Lila’s wrist on the third swipe, and break her elbow over her knee to force her to drop the knife. When Lila had continued to attack her; Marinette had kicked her in the side of the knee, dislocating her kneecap, and then punched her in the face so hard that she’d flown backwards and was knocked unconscious when her head hit the street. There were also dozens of witnesses to the attack, all claiming that Lila had a mad look in her eyes and that Marinette had been fighting like a mama bear protecting her cub. 

The lawyer then told her that he would defend her to the best of his ability, but that her case didn’t look good. She had violated her parole, violated the restraining order, and was being charged with stalking and two counts of first-degree attempted murder. 

Days later, while still handcuffed to her bed in the hospital, nearly every news channel was showing Fashion Week. And who had the biggest show with the most coverage? Maribrat, that’s who! The critics couldn’t get enough of her fashion lines or the recent attack on her and her daughter. 

To Lila’s never ending frustration, Marinette stayed calm and demure the entire time as her daughter cuddled her side and Luka kept a supportive arm around her shoulder. “I’ll admit, the attack happened so fast, all I could do was react. I just kept thinking that this person had a weapon and might hurt my baby, so I attacked and didn’t stop until she was down. It wasn’t until she was unconscious that I recognized her as Lila Rossi, a girl from my past that had done a lot to try and hurt me and my friends. Last I knew, she was in jail and I had a restraining order filed against her. This time, I have a team of lawyers at my disposal and I’m going to make sure that she’ll never be able to even try to hurt my family or me ever again.”

Just like that, sales for Marinette’s brand skyrocketed, with critics describing her as a strong woman designing clothes to empower people around the world. 

Lila lost her case, the lawyer had attepmted to argue that it was never her intention to hurt the child, but no one believed it. She was forced to finish her previous sentence, and had a life sentence added on top of that. And because she had broken her parole to stalk and try to kill Marinette Couffaine, she was denied the possibility of parole ever again. 

Taglist:

@animegirlweeb  @iamablinkmarvelarmy

@karokatten  @abrx2002

@delightfulcookiesrecipespizza  @unmaskedagain

@insomniac-nerd-posts-things

[mybg3notebook]

Astarion and Power - Part 2

Disclaimer Game Version: All these analyses were made up to the game version v4.1.101.4425. As long as new content is added, and as long as I have free time for that, I will try to keep updating this information.

Additional disclaimers about meta-knowledge and interpretations in (post)

The number between brackets [] represents the topic-block related to (this post), which gathers as much evidence as I could get.

Astarion: abuser / victim

Disclaimer about interpretation victim/abuser: I’m not a fan of bringing the allegory to the plain explicit comparison with serious stuff from real life, but the fandom seems to focus a lot on this aspect and therefore I would like to share my opinion on it. This topic may be sensitive for some people. Be aware of it. 

If we are going to engage into the comparison abuser/victim, from the section (Backstory: Mortal Astarion) we can assume that mortal Astarion was developed as an abuser so far the facts we got from the game/interviews. There is little doubt about it with the bits of information we have in EA. Maybe the full game or a retcon of his past may change this in the future. 

As a vampire spawn, Astarion presents a duality abuser-victim that comes from the archetype of the “bad behaved victim”. 

(Squeezing him in the shoulder. You try to connect, to let him know he's not alone- but he twists like a snake.) “No, I don't need your pity. I don't need anything from you. Go back to your wet dreams and leave me be.''

As a slave under Cazador’s power, humiliated and physically and psychologically tortured, he becomes a victim. He displays many of the most common behaviours of traumatised survivors: dismissal of the actions he suffered (humiliation and cruelty), sensitivity or violent rejection of gestures of pity, paranoia (for the abuser to appear at any moment), reiterative dreams focused on the abuser or their tortures, pride that may reach into arrogance of having survived tough situations. Considering that survival mode is his default, he can turn any of these aspects into tools to manipulate any potential benefactor (he may care little about). As long as he has a protector, he would do anything at his disposal to keep pleasant and agreeable to that benefactor (this characteristic is a permanent, constant, and obvious trait in his character).

But he is not a mere victim, he is also an abuser. And this aspect has been studied in psychology and sociology: it’s not a surprise that a good amount of abusers were victims before. There is a psychological process that can make victims prone to harness as much power as they can in order to avoid the abuse, and in doing so they become abusers. The fact that they can inflict similar or the same trauma on someone else, shifts the power imbalance they had always perceived in their life: the ex victim—now abuser—finds psychological relief. They find a way to perceive themselves as not powerless anymore, and this process can cross limits, making them enjoy when causing the same torture they suffered before. This is the (extremely brief and simplified) process known as the transformation of victim to victimiser (in a general violence-related way, not necessarily focused on sexual abuse), which tends to affect, so far the statistics show, a group of victims. 

With this brief introduction of the topic from the real life (this is why I dislike so much these comparisons, serious stuff brought into a fantasy world always feels like dismissing the real life issue) we can understand that Astarion has acquired a twisted taste to enjoy the same torments he suffered on himself, but applied on creatures he considers lesser: animals and weak creatures [3,4,6,7,11]. There is pride in his survival [14]: he follows the philosophy: “if I could survive it, you could do it too, otherwise, you must perish”.

He enjoys humiliation [6,10], despite being one of the most sensitive aspects that could trigger a violent reaction in him when Tav tries to humiliate him (dialogue about the Bedchamber Master). He enjoys the power he can have over others, over their wills [11], and aspires to have the control of the tadpole, at first to be free of Cazador’s influence, but as long as the game progresses, his intentions become clearer: he wants to control the tadpole to become powerful: the most powerful vampire of Faerun and bend everyone’s will [12]. This aspect is also ironic and hypocritical since Astarion displays violent reactions against mind control or against any intervention of his mind, so it’s something that triggers him in particular (video here).

He also has a taste to enjoy cruelty on animals [4], maybe because of all the resentment he has against them for having been the only means to sustain himself (he is directing his cruelty and hatred to the wrong group of living creatures though). And he also finds entertainment in murder and bloodshed [2,3,13], just because of it, most probably because all these abuses are proofs that he is now “more powerful” than those suffering it. However, part of this could be explained due to the Dark Desires element of the vampirism, to be fair. But considering Astarion’s backstory, I would say that vampirism only deepens his already evil traits.

Also, as a comment aside, I like to highlight how all this characterisation defies the romantisation of the archetype of the “good victim”. A good victim is—explaining it briefly and oversimplified—the one who encourages to spread goodness, self-sacrifice; their pain is hidden and/or used to improve, tends to be a highly empathetic person in front of similar abuses they suffered. It’s the antipode of the “bad behaved victim.” Which is basically all what we see in Astarion: selfish, violent, whimsical, cruel, psychopath.

In conclusion, we can see Astarion as a vampire spawn who embodies the duality of Victim-Abuser. 

However I would like to note that this is not a char where we can see how the victim becomes an abuser exclusively. In Astarion’s case, it is even more twisted because in his past he was a victimiser. His character lies on a Schrodinger duality: he was an abuser when he was mortal, he is an abuser and a victim at the same time as a vampire spawn (his torments can be understood as poetic justice since Astarion embodied the—corrupt—Justice himself), and he aspires to retake his abuser position in the future (so far EA allowed us to see it or the description of his characters in Larian’s web page), enjoying all the potential that the power of the tadpole can give him to “bend the will of others''. 

Astarion’s story represents topics that should allow us to think about how abusers are created, how they could also be victims, and how victims are not always free of evilness. Astarion also embodies the concept of how far punishment makes sense, how you can punish the abuse if there is no justice, how to punish evilness when it’s placed to have control of the Justice itself. How could we understand the punishment of evil creatures when there is no repent but a deepening of their evil nature? And finally… Would any victim not desire for their abuser to have a punishment like Astarion’s? 

I like to think that Cazador also represents the “modern prison system”, where criminals are gathered in panoptic structures (in this case, Astarion’s mind), tortured in many ways, while society expects them to recover. There is also the concept of how and when recovery is not possible anymore, because let’s be honest, saving people from dark paths is not always possible. Real life psychopath, serial rapists, and a broad amount of creatures who revel in torture and murder are beyond salvation. If we consider Cazador and Astarion as mirrored figures, it makes us think about how much of all of his story is about the eternal cycle of violence and about evilness without salvation. Also, this reflection of one on the other makes us believe that if there is no salvation for Cazador, there shouldn't be salvation for Astarion either; if Astarion can be saved… Cazador should too (after all, we don’t know anything about Cazador’s story). So many things to think about.

All these aspects and topics to think about are what make Cazador-Astarion dynamics worth understanding with a realistic and dark perspective of evilness, without woobifying Astarion as sadly a big part of his fandom does. 

As a note of colour to finish this section, it’s interesting to re-read the paragraph I had written in the first part (Astarion and Power - Part 1) where I briefly described Cazador. If we replace Cazador by the word Astarion we will obtain a curious result:

>>>Astarion has a particular pleasure for control, especially the one related to people’s will (we can see this pleasure progresses over time, increasing it. His need for freedom turns slowly into wanting to have control on everyone, because with power he can do everything he wants to). He enjoys cruelty, humiliation, and torture (read the analysis post done (here), there are dozens of facts showing it). He enjoys playing psychologically with his victims. He also likes to give false hope, making his victims believe that there is hope, removing it right in front of them (the Arabella’s approvals about making her parents believe she is alive when she is not, Mayrina’s hope of reviving her husband).

There are so many questions left in the air: has Cazador imparted Justice? Is 200 years too long for a punishment? I don’t believe there is an easy answer here. First, because we are mixing serious real-life dynamics in a fantasy setup, with the twisted componen of vampirism (a fantasy element always considered an allegory of abuse, power, and rape) and second, despite the analogy is there, and the comparison can be done lightly, Astarion has a particular backstory, with a particular amount of meta-knowledge that makes those answers even more complicated. 

Astarion’s Pain and Shallowness

Back scars scene (full Datamining info)

A pair of videos that pjenn has posted about Astarion’s scars on his back (1) (2) shows that he needs help to read it since he can’t see it in reflective surfaces due to his vampire nature. We get from the narrator: 

* He might be sneering, but you can see pain in his eyes. He needs help, but doesn’t know how to ask. *

What we can infer from this is that Astarion, whether mortal or spawn, never asked for help, and if this is true, I’m confused. If he truly doesn’t know how to ask for help… what had been happening with all the previous interactions he had with Tav? Implicitly asking for help against Cazador? The only answer I have to explain why 25 hours of game with Astarion asking for help against Cazador are suddenly erased and now “he doesn’t know how to ask to”, is that all those 25 hrs are about manipulation. Not a true, honest, clean asking for help. There is not much to say about this scene since it’s entirely under work so far. 

Mirror scene (full Datamining info)

This scene is mostly about vanity and, again, manipulation. 

He doesn't remember the colour of his eyes, and he barely remembers his face. As a vampire, he can‘t see his projection nor cast shadows. He explicitly says that he misses vanity, and even though it may be an honest loss he feels, he doesn’t miss the opportunity to use this moment as another hook to throw at Tav to keep them under his control as well as testing how deep his charm has reached Tav (If Tav shows appreciation, Astarion knows he keeps them under his thumb).

This scene basically shows that, even though evil characters/abusers also suffer (maybe the game would make us reflect eventually about Cazador’s pain?), and Astarion is stating his pain for losing things he appreciated: petty vanity (he can’t see himself in a mirror) and his memories (he has no memory of the colour of his eyes and his face is vague), he is still using all these moments to keep on working on his survival manipulation:

“(Vanity) is an indulgence, I’ll grant you that, but a weakness? A well-presented face can open a lot of doors.”

He has a personal drama, as he stated it at first, and the focus of all his conversation is always about how what he lost was a means for an end too. 

If Tav is the one engaging into being his Mirror, Astarion engages to appraise the reach of his presence in Tav. If Tav simply states it’s a decent face, Astarion will push the engagement for that appraisal. If you mock him about his age and skin, he won’t be offended (after all the moment is not meaningful for him, it’s shallow), and he would insist on a proper praise, because he is trying to taste the ground. 

The moment was meant to be used, and Astarion did it. It was not special to him:

"Mirrors are not much use, but being reflected in someone's else's eyes? I could do much worse.

If we do not derail the conversation in the funny moments where you can mock his beauty, age and skin, we keep gathering more information about what Astarion values the most:

Tav: “Is it all what you want? shallow praise?” Astarion: "Hardly, there is also gold, sex, revenge, quite the list, really. But failing any of those, I will always settle for shallow praise."

There is another option in this scene where Tav says that vanity is a reasonable price for vampire powers, but for once, Astarion is not so eager about this power, because it comes with Cazador. He knows that the price is way much bigger. 

Tav: “Vanity is a small price to pay to have vampire powers”. Astarion: "To you. To me it's just another thing that Cazador took from me".

The only moment when you can get a more emotional reaction is when you mock him about age/beauty/skin. That is how shallow this scene is. If you are a githyanki and your compliments are a list of raw facts about his persona, even if they are good or bad, Astarion can’t appraise Tav with that, and gets frustrated. 

Personally I think this scene has little value per se beyond the comedy, and even less value in terms of lore when you have Disguise spell available for so many characters. Anyone can disguise themselves as Astarion and he would finally see what he looks like… so… more reasons to show how cheap and shallow this scene is. Maybe that was the intention. Maybe it needs more work since, after all, it’s datamining info. There is not much to say about this scene since it’s entirely under work so far. 

The concept of Redemption/endings 

Among the (Datamined information) we have a set of gems under the name of Drunk bear (1) (2) (3) scenes, which speak more about Astarion and his relationship with Cazador and Power.

Tav: “You can start over. You can be better than what he made you.”

Ast: “Exactly. I can be better than him. Stronger, more powerful, more- oh, you meant “be kinder”? Pet bunnies, that sort of thing? I’ve no objection to being nice, of course. Once I have the power to bend others to my will.

T: “You think power lets you do anything free from consequences?”

A: “Well… yes. You can’t look at the world and tell me I’m wrong.”

T: “The strong have a duty to protect the weak”

A: “They’re doing a piss poor job, then. The strong had two centuries to pluck me from torture, but no one came. No, it was the mind flayers that rescued me. They gave me a gift: the strength to take my own freedom. I’m embracing this power- you should too.”

T: “You are free now. That’s what matters.”

A: “Is it? What good is freedom if I'm always watching in the shadows? No. I will be safe when I'm powerful enough to grind cazador into the dust. Powerful enough to do whatever the hell I want.”

T: “Power corrupts. You’d do well to remember that.”

A: “Oh I hope so. A little corruption sounds fun. I spent centuries as the victim of a corrupt man. It was the mind flayers that plucked me away from that.”

So far we see in this scene, Astarion reinforces his evilness, his desire for power, not just enough to save himself from Cazador’s claws, but to control other people, even though mind control is a triggering effect when it affects his own will. I believe in this interaction we see the contrast of the story that Astarion narrates mainly: the abuser who found a more powerful abuser. We shouldn’t forget he comes from a past where he was a corrupt magistrate. These words have almost a hypocrite meaning here. Astarion was a magistrate, by definition, someone who held power and should have helped those in despair, but he was corrupt and did not care. When he became a spawn, he ended up on the other side of the imbalanced power. He was the one asking for a powerful entity to help him, and none came, suffering a similar fate of despair than those who sought in him the concept of Justice and Power Used For Fairness. Like Astarion’s victims found freedom when a twisted creature like Cazador was incorporated into this situation, Astarion was free when the Mind flayers saved him from Cazador. 

I will not repeat this again: Astarion, so far in Early Access, looks like the story that could explain why Cazador is who he is. These scenes bring once more, another of the many proofs along the game where we see that Astarion has not learnt anything from his torment, he has not improved, he has turned into a more twisted and evil man than he was when he was a mortal magistrate, and there is no intentions to become a little more sympathetic. 

This brings me to think that, at least in EA, glimpses of future paths for Astarion may all be related to different degrees of evilness. 

First of all, we need to remember that Astarion is an evil character, and if we assume that what Sven said in several interviews doesn’t change, Larian is going to break the style this worked in bg1 and bg2, not making big shifting of the alignment in companions. For this reason I think these endings would entitle variations of evilness.

Astarion keeps repeating over and over his opinion about power as the only means to have access to his freedom. And as long the game evolves, he began to reinforce the importance of having power to “do whatever he wants”. Considering his tastes (how much he enjoys cruelty and bloodshed) we can agree that Astarion “doing whatever he wants” is not a good thing for Faerûn. He finds murdering a fine show, an entertainment. Certainly Astarion is a child of Bhaal in his fullest. 

He even mocks Tav when they comment about looking for self-improvement. “I can be better than him. Stronger, more powerful, more- oh, you meant “be kinder”? (...) Once I have the power to bend others to my will.” This is Cazador speaking. 

So, considering these details, I would suggest (predict is a too strong a word for this) that we have chances to three different kinds of endings and their variations:

The first one, screaming in all what Astarion does: Astarion becomes a full vampire and ends up as the next Cazador. If his approval is high (or some hidden requirement is met) he can turn his lover into another full vampire. If these requirements are not met, in a spawn, repeating the cycle that Astarion suffered but now, on Tav. 

The second one could be with Astarion killing Cazador remaining as a spawn and an agent of chaos and bloodshed. Maybe his relationship with Tav may help to have certain control on him (since we had seen that Astarion so far has been asking permission to kill npcs when the situation arises, so the MC could be turning into a master of choice.)

The third one, finding the cure of Vampirism, and letting Astarion continue with his life of evil corrupted magister. 

Some people ask about the possibility of a Redemption arc. I hardly see it (especially if I keep in mind how bg1 and bg2 worked, they never offered a “real” redemption arc, just small shifts here and there.)

Redemption could be acquired, according to these fans, using two mechanics. 

Astarion feels compassion out of the blue. He starts to have guilt for his past sins and develops empathy, despising cruelty. How? Who knows, so far in EA it has not been seen even once a hint, a scene, a bit of meta-knowledge in that direction. Honestly, so far we’ve seen, this option seems impossible to me, because Astarion has tons of chances to use the meta-knowledge of his approvals and disapprovals to show regret and empathy, and never happened. His character was always focused on himself, his vanity, his pain, his entertainment (which implies constant approval of cruel actions and torments and humiliation to others, especially the weak ones), his survival. If there is a character more far away from empathy right now in EA, it is Astarion. How do you start a redemption arc without the character showing compassion? No way.

Cure Vampirism. Vampirism is a curse, and therefore in the Forgotten Realm can be cured. But this, under no circumstances, can be considered a redemption arc. There is no redemption at all. The curse is lifted, and Astarion can return to be the same cruel magister he was before. No arc about remorse and empathy. 

His character is the story of an abuser who found a greater abuser and became a victim of the latter, seeking to return to his previous power position but stronger. Despite suffering this abuse, that could be understood as poetic justice (more like accidental justice) at certain point, he never developed empathy for those sharing his conditions. In fact, he cares little to inflict on others what he has exactly suffered. I hardly believe there is something else going on “in layers” in him at the moment, since the meta-knowledge provided by the approval/disapproval shows otherwise. My point is, I see little material here showing change. But again, this is EA.

We can see how this exact detail is managed with Shadowheart, from her we know even less than with Astarion because her memory was erased, but so far, we know she has some soft spots that were never shown explicitly, so Tav is oblivious to this information while the player knows it. 

This post was written on April 2021.  → For more Astarion: Analysis Series Index

[fanficshiddles]

Obsession, Chapter 1

Summary: Robyn is a journalist who starts covering a serial killer in the city, Tom. He takes an interest in the pretty journalist and starts paying attention to her. But she quickly learns it’s not a good thing to have a serial killer become obsessed with you…

WARNINGS FOR THIS FIC: RAPE/NON-CON, STALKING, HARASSMENT, MURDER, BODY MODIFCATION, DRUGGING, KIDNAPPING, VIOLENCE, OBSESSIVE BEHAVIOUR, MANIPULATION.

-

Robyn sat at the bar with a few of her girlfriends in the club, drink in hand while she swayed back and fore to the music. It felt so good to be out.

A tall shadowy figure stood in the corner of the club, watching her every move. Watching the way her hips swayed whenever she went to the dancefloor to let loose, the pretty blue dress she wore hugging her figure beautifully.

When Robyn ordered another drink, she foolishly left it at the bar when one of her friends dragged her, yet again, to the dancefloor.

The figure made his move. He swiftly crossed the club and as he passed the bar, he stuck his hand out and dropped a small pill into her drink. No one noticed as it quickly dissolved, everyone was too busy wrapped up within themselves and others, lost to alcohol and music in a sea of sweaty bodies.

He headed out into the crisp night and made up camp just along from the entrance. Biding his time.

-

Robyn felt funny. The drink suddenly hitting her, even though she could’ve sworn she hadn’t had many. But she definitely didn’t feel right and she knew something was wrong.

She headed to the cloakroom to get her jacket, well, stumbled there was more apt. Her vision was starting to get fuzzy and her limbs felt heavy. Just managing to hand over her ticket in return for her jacket, the woman watching the cloakroom sneered at her. ‘Ridiculous how drunk people get.’

Robyn barely registered what she said as she started to make her way outside. But as soon as she hit that fresh air, she thought she was a goner.

She stumbled to the side, but strong hands captured her just before she fell into the wall.

‘Woah, easy there, darling.’ A smooth voice reached her ears. One she was sure she had heard before… But she was struggling to focus, trying to remember where she knew that voice from.

The world was spinning, all she knew and could feel was being held against someone. Alarm bells were ringing within her at that voice, she knew she had to fear this man. But she couldn’t place why.

‘Come on, let’s get you home.’ He said softly, his large hands holding her and guiding her down the street.

‘No!’ She garbled out as she tried to push away from him. But she was far too weak, her bones felt like jelly. And even if she hadn’t been drugged, she wouldn’t have stood a chance against him anyway.

‘Shhh, shhh. Come now, kitten. Don’t want to make a scene now, do we?’ He said firmly.

It suddenly hit her. She knew who it was. It was the same man that had been toying with her for the past seven months. The same man who had, up until now, kept his distance from her. Or so she’d thought, anyway.

It was Tom.

That voice was the same voice that called her every single damn night for the past month. Saying barley anything else but utter filth to her with that sinful voice that she so wished wasn’t so captivating.

But what terrified her the most. Was the fact that the very hands holding onto her so strongly, were the same hands that had committed such evil, despicable crimes that made her skin crawl merely thinking about.

What he was capable of…

She did not want to make him angry, in fear of becoming another statistic on the news.

When she started to comply, not trying to get away from him, he hummed in approval. ‘Good girl, that’s better.’ He purred, leading her away.

But not far down the road, her legs gave way as she lost consciousness. So she was scooped up into his arms and carried home. Her purse was raided for the key as he let himself into her home and carried her straight through to her bedroom.

Robyn was still out cold when she was laid down on her bed and her clothes were carefully removed.

Tom breathed in sharply as he took in every inch of her, his heart hammered in his chest at finally having her like this. Stripped naked and so vulnerable to him.

Slowly stroking up her inner leg, he marvelled at how soft her skin was. Unable to resist, he lifted her foot and kissed her inner ankle. Then he started working his way up her body, kissing and licking as he went, until he came to the main prize.

Breathing over her softly, he pressed soft kisses to either side of her cunt. Then slowly started to lick her, delving between her folds and up over her clit. He draped her legs over his shoulders and continued eating her out like a man possessed.

Robyn’s body was reacting well to the assault, he could feel and taste her getting wetter. But she started to come round briefly, though she still felt like her body was so heavy and as if her mind didn’t belong to her anymore. She managed to glance down, her stomach churning when she saw a strange man with a head full of curls down between her thighs. A beard scratching against her sensitive skin while his tongue focused on her clit, forcing her to cum even though she didn’t want to.

She tried to reach down to push him away, but she just couldn’t. She passed out again, her mind going blank.

When she came to a little while later, it was to the sight of the man above her. In any other circumstances, she would’ve said a very attractive looking man. One she was sure she recognised somehow... He was smiling sweetly down at her as she tried to scream, because she felt a very large presence pushing into her, forcing her body to accommodate him, whether she wanted to or not.

‘N… no…. p…’

‘Shhh, hush now.’ He whispered, leaning down flush against her he stroked her hair and kissed the side of her lips. ‘Relax, kitten. It’s about time I took what’s mine.’ Was the last she heard before passing out once again as he thrust deliberately into her.

-

When Robyn woke in the morning she felt so groggy, like she had the hangover from hell. She could barely remember what happened last night as she sat up, her whole body felt achey and like she had been hit by a bus.

She didn’t remember drinking that much. In-fact, she couldn’t remember anything from last night after dancing with her friends to her favourite song, it was all blank…

But when she got out of bed and stood up, she paused as her blood ran cold.

Parting her legs, she reached down between her thighs and whimpered as she felt a very sticky mess there… Slowly dribbling out of her and down her inner thighs.

‘Oh no.’ She cried, panic hitting her.

She was naked, which wasn’t exactly unusual because sometimes she did sleep naked. But having a man’s cum inside of her was NOT usual since losing her boyfriend.

Running into the bathroom, she jumped straight into the shower and did her best to get as much of it out as possible. Then she just sat there in the shower, in tears. Shaking. Not knowing what to do, or even who did it.

But then she realised… what if he was still here?

Shaking with fear, she turned the shower off and grabbed a towel. Wrapping it tightly around herself, she slowly made her way out of the bathroom and inched her way through her house. Checking in each room carefully, then she darted for the door and made sure the chain was on.

Only then did she relax a little.

Though not for long. A few hours later, after much contemplating of what to do, her phone rang.

She glanced at the number. She knew exactly who it was. In a weird hope of desperation for someone familiar, no matter who they were, she answered it quickly.

‘I think that’s the first time you’ve answered me so quickly, kitten.’ The voice on the other end of the phone purred.

Then it suddenly dawned on her. The voice, it was so familiar… She couldn’t place him last night, why he had been there… But she had heard that same voice last night, and now she knew why it sounded SO familiar.

‘You… You were there last night.’ She stammered.

A low chuckle reached her ear. ‘I was indeed. I must say, it was nice to finally lay claim to what belongs to me. Even if you were unresponsive… This time. Do you know how becoming you look when you cum?’ He growled.

Robyn let out a sob, it had been him. He had been inside her home… Inside her. Before hearing anything else, she hung up on him and turned her phone off.

She slid down the wall and started crying.

Not only was he a serial killer. And a stalker. He was a rapist too.

And she knew that she was not just his victim. No. She was his toy. One that he was having fun playing with.

She screamed, not just in fear or pain, but in anger.

Now she knew that his threats weren’t just threats. They were promises.

- - -

Seven Months Earlier

Tom was sitting at his desk in his office, doing some work to keep his company running smoothly as always.

His secretary knocked on the door and popped her head in. ‘I’ve got your morning newspaper, Sir.’

‘Thank you, Chloe.’ Tom smiled and motioned her in.

She rushed over and handed him the paper, then she picked up his empty coffee cup and headed out to make him another one. Knowing how he always liked to have coffee on hand in the morning.

Tom sat back in his chair and looked at the newspaper. He frowned when he saw the headline.

The Choker Strikes Again!

‘The Choker?’ Tom scoffed as he narrowed his eyes at the paper. ‘Who is responsible for this?’ He quickly flicked to page eight, where there was more on the story.

He scanned through it until his eyes landed on the journalist who’d written the story.

‘Robyn Green.’ He hummed, stroking his beard. ‘Well, Robyn. It seems I shall have to pay you a visit.’ He growled low.

[thedumpsterqueen]

Standards of Performance, Chapter 3: Boundaries and Text Messages

Regular weekly update! Look at me go! This one took me ages to write for absolutely no reason, and then ages to edit because the AO3 text editor kicked my ass. Hopefully the formatting isn’t a dumpster fire, and hopefully you enjoy! Sidenote: you are always welcome to scream about Hotch, nsforwork or not, in my inbox.

Chapter 1, Chapter 2

AO3 Link

Summary:  You’re the BAU’s newest intern, desperate to prove yourself amongst an established team of much more experienced profilers. Agent Hotchner, the seemingly infallible team leader, sets strict expectations for your performance. He commands your respect without even trying, but is there something more to your relationship than a simple desire to impress your stony-faced boss?

Chapter: 3, Boundaries and Text Messages

Chapter Summary: You discover that the unsub isn't what he seems, and overstep some boundaries you probably shouldn't have.

Words: 2291

Rating: Explicit, 18+

Pairings: Hotch x Reader, Hotch x You

Back in Hotch’s hotel room, the three of you were sitting on the ground, surrounded by textbooks and torn-out pages covered in the seemingly mindless scrawls of the suspect. Well, you and Morgan were on the floor; Hotch was at the desk chair. Hotch wasn’t really a sit-on-the-floor type of person.

Morgan groaned and rubbed his temples for the third time in an hour. “It means nothing, man. He researched all this shit so he could commit the crimes in a way that would fuck with us.”

Hotch sighed and nodded in agreement. “It certainly seems that way. That explains the inconsistencies in the profile. However, we can still understand the subject by the signatures he chose.” He pointed to a scribbled note in a textbook section about the psychology surrounding different methods of murder: “Slashing throat? Effective + easy.”

He looked at you. “What can this note tell us about our subject?”

“Um, it doesn’t sound like the cause of death is important to him. Like it’s just something he needs to do. A necessity. Right?” you responded, somewhat unprepared for this sort of pop quiz.

“Exactly. And this tells us more about him. This isn’t about the kill; it’s about what he does beforehand. It’s about the rape,” Hotch said. “Don’t be so humble. You know more than you think you do.”

Your face felt hot, and you looked at the floor - an increasingly regular occurrence around him.

Morgan spoke up, still visibly exasperated. “If he spent so much time trying to throw us off, why did he pick victims that were so easy to tie to him?”

“He’s an idiot?” you offered before you could stop yourself.

Really professional. Holy shit, please shut up.

The faintest trace of a smirk graced Hotch’s face. “You’re not entirely wrong. He isn’t particularly intelligent, based on the information we’ve gathered so far. Not nearly as complex as we initially assumed.”

“Yeah, well, either way, he’s a nut. And Gracia can’t find anything about where he might be, and I’m starving,” Morgan said, standing up. “I’m gonna pick something up. You guys want anything?”

“Get me whatever looks good,” replied Hotch, focused on whatever written ramblings he was currently dissecting.

“You?” Morgan asked you.

“Just get me whatever you get him,” you said. “Thanks, Morgan.”

Morgan nodded and grabbed his jacket. “Be back soon.”

He closed the door, leaving you alone with your boss that you definitely didn’t have an erotic dream about the night before. You tried to focus on the textbook, but the words swam. After a few minutes, you huffed and set the book down.

“Shouldn’t we be looking for him right now instead of reading his weird psychobabble?”

Hotch looked up from his work with a raised eyebrow.

You continued, “I just mean, isn’t it more important to stop him from killing again? We already know he did it based on the stuff he wrote in the books, we don’t need to fully understand his motivations to confirm that.”

“Yes,” Hotch said, “but these offenders rarely cease their behavior out of nowhere. His appetite is alarming; he took three victims at once. We don’t know if those were even his first assaults or kills. Given that Garcia couldn’t locate any family or friends, we have no idea where he might be, so our time is best spent learning how to predict his actions and respond if someone else goes missing.”

He was correct, of course, but it just didn’t feel right - like you were sitting and waiting for something terrible to happen before you could do anything. Hotch must have sensed your frustration, because he leaned forward towards you, elbows resting on his knees, and continued in a slightly softer tone, “I know you feel helpless. We all do in situations like these. But trust me, we’re accomplishing more here than we would be trying to canvas the entire city.”

“I know,” you mumbled. “You’re right. It’s just, seeing the photos of those girls, knowing the type of person that’s out there, it’s hard to convince myself I’m doing enough just sitting here.”

“You’re not just sitting here, and you know that,” Hotch said, sternly. “You’re doing your job. People will die with or without us; our job isn’t to save them. It’s to catch the people that kill them.”

“But how do you deal with it?” you asked, growing more bold than you probably should be. You weren’t just asking about this case anymore, and you weren’t sure whether or not you wanted him to understand that. You wanted to ask him how he did it - how he woke up every morning alone, how he suffered an unimaginable loss at the hands of some of the purest evil society could produce and went back to the job that showed him more of that evil every day.

Judging by the hard set of his jaw, he knew exactly what you were getting at.

“I do it because I have to,” he said. Every word sounded measured, like he was explaining something he had dozens of times before.

“You don’t,” you whispered, but you knew you were wrong, at least to him. You knew he felt it was his responsibility to shoulder the burden so other families didn’t have to experience what he did. You had a background in psychology, and this was pretty low hanging fruit. A therapist would have a field day with him, but you weren’t a therapist, and you certainly weren’t in any position to tell your boss, a leader with decades of experience in the field, that he shouldn’t be taking all of this on.

He evidently didn’t find your comment worthy of a response, as he went back to picking through the pile of evidence. You’d hit a nerve though - his posture was more rigid, his almost-permanent scowl even more pronounced. The tension built with every second of silence, and you suddenly wished you could go back and erase the conversation.

Thinking better of trying to repair the damage you’d done, you kept the subsequent conversation focused on the profile. By the time Morgan got back, you had a fairly good idea of the suspect’s psychology, and after a quick break for fried rice and a video chat with the team, JJ set up to deliver a press conference from the police precinct in Vegas. Hotch switched on the news on the hotel TV, and you sat back to watch.

“The man currently suspected of committing the triple homicide that left bodies here in Vegas, in Phoenix, and in San Diego is an obsessive sexual predator,” JJ said to a waiting crowd of reporters and police. “He displays characteristics of a stalker, and women who interact with him may describe him as creepy or off-putting. Though murder is not his ultimate goal - in fact, he may not be completely comfortable with the act - he views it as a necessary step to dispose of his victims post-assault.”

“Do we usually do this?” you whispered to Morgan, “Release the whole profile publicly?”

“Nah, but with this guy, we want him to know we’re onto him,” he said back, trying not to disturb Hotch, who was watching JJ’s address intently. “He put so much effort into throwing us off, we gotta let him know we see through his bullshit. It’s the only play we got right now, considering we got no idea where he is.”

You turned back to the screen, where JJ had moved on to talking about the suspect. “His name is Ellory Matthews,” she said, holding up his ID photo. “He’s a 24 year old white male, about 5’9” and 200 pounds. We have strong reason to suspect he is involved and currently trying to evade the police. He is considered armed and extremely dangerous, so if you see him, please do not approach and call 911 immediately.”

Hotch, apparently having heard enough, stood up and turned off the TV. “Hopefully someone has seen him and can tell us where he is. If not, this should be enough to scare him into making a mistake.”

You tried not to think about the fact that a mistake still probably involved someone being hurt or killed.

“Get some rest. I’ll clean up here. Morgan, before you head to bed, call Garcia again and see if she’s found anything that can point us to where he might be.”

“Got it, I’ll let you know. Night, Hotch,” Morgan said.

You echoed Morgan and headed back to your room.

____________

After getting ready and tucking into bed, you found yourself completely unable to fall asleep. The conversation with Hotch kept replaying in your head - how resentful he’d looked when you asked him how he does his job, knowing that you were asking about it in relation to his family members’ deaths. He was a reasonable man, and you knew you hadn’t done anything wrong on the surface, but you shouldn't have pushed it, especially since the events you were referencing had been relayed to you by JJ in private. You weren’t even sure he wanted you to know about what happened to his wife and kid.

Shit, I might have really fucked up.

You rolled over and yanked your phone off the charger, and before you had time to convince yourself it was a bad idea, you sent him a message.

Me: Hey, sorry to bother you, I know it’s late. I just wanted to apologize if I offended you during our conversation earlier. You’re an incredible agent and boss and I didn’t mean to imply you shouldn’t be in the field for any reason.

You scrolled through Instagram mindlessly, waiting for his response, but he texted back almost immediately. Knowing him, he hadn’t even made an attempt to go to bed; he was probably still up reviewing the case.

Agent Hotchner: I understand. No need to apologize. I knew you’d hear about what happened sooner or later, and it’s natural to question my judgement, considering. I hope my actions in the field haven’t done anything to lend credence to that concern.

A weight lifted from your shoulders at his response, knowing he wasn’t angry with you.

Me: No, not at all, Sir. You and the team have been incredible and I’ve already learned so much. If I ask a question, please know it’s for my own learning rather than questioning your decisions!

Agent Hotchner: I’m glad to hear that. Please always feel free to ask questions.

Me: Thank you so much! Will do!

Satisfied with conversation, you set the phone back on the nightstand and rolled over. A few moments later, though, it buzzed again, and you looked at the screen.

Agent Hotchner: “Sir” is a little formal for text messages though, isn’t it?

You blinked, struggling to process the tone of the message. Was Aaron Hotchner making a joke? You messaged him back hesitantly.

Me: Can never be too formal! :) Is there something you’d prefer?

Agent Hotchner: Oh, I’m sure you can figure something out.

Your eyes widened at that, and you sat up in bed, staring at your screen. If you thought he was messing with you before, this was more; this was almost… flirting.

Ok, let’s not get ahead of ourselves here, you thought, trying to calm your embarrassingly high heart rate. He’s older. Way older. He probably doesn’t text that much, and he probably doesn’t realize how that came off.

Me: I’ll let you know when I do.

Agent Hotchner: Please do. Sleep well.

You placed the phone back on the bedside table, almost shaking with adrenaline. What was wrong with you lately? First you have a sex dream about your boss (who’s old enough to be your parent, you might add), and now you’re freaking out because he texted you something that could possibly be, in some interpretations, construed as flirting.

Hotch was attractive, of course. You’d have to be an idiot not to admit that. He was handsome in a way you didn’t see often - not the obvious, in-your-face stunning like Morgan was, or even the adorable, put-together look that Reid gave off. Hotch was old-school handsome, like he should be in a black and white movie smoking a cigarette while his doting wife made him dinner.

Or something. It’s not like you’d thought about this before.

But even if he was handsome to such a degree that seeing him with two buttons on his dress shirt undone nearly gave you a heart attack, leaning into this fantasy you were unconsciously creating where your relationship was anything more than boss and intern had the potential to destroy your career. Hotch could read people like a book, and if you were unable to conduct yourself normally and effectively at work for any reason, your internship and aspirations would be tossed out to the street.

Time to stop being an idiot.

Sometime during your mental dissection of the text conversation and its implications, you must have fallen asleep. You were awoken to a still-dark room and someone gently squeezing your shoulder, saying your name.

“Wha- oh, it’s you. I’m so sorry, did I miss something? What’s going on?” you asked, still not fully conscious.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” Hotch replied, standing over you. You were suddenly thankful for the dark room and the blanket that were covering your lack of pants. “I tried calling you and knocking, but you didn’t respond. I figured you’d forgotten to turn your ringer on.”

“Shit, yeah, I did. I’m so sorry,” you said, sitting up. “What did you need?”

“It’s Ellory Matthews. Police caught him trying to kidnap another girl. He’s in custody.”

[cluelesslybrunette]

The duality of June Osborne -

Reflections on The Handmaid’s Tale 4x07

[Spoilers ahead for episode 4x07, "Home"]

Hero: a person who is admired for having done something very brave or having achieved something great.

Villain: a bad person - or a character in a book, play, film, etc. - who harms other people or breaks the law.

(Definitions from Cambridge Dictionary).

According to these definitions, can June be considered a hero? Yes, she did some very brave things and achieved something great. She saved 80+ children from Gilead dictatorship. That can absolutely be considered heroic. She was ready to sacrifice herself for these children and women. She helped get her daughter and her friend (Nichole and Emily) out of Gilead and stayed behind to look for her other daughter. She helped Moira escape.

But can she be considered a villain, too? Also yes. She harmed other people. She raped Luke in this last episode and has manipulated and lied to Janine countless times. To protect her perhaps, but Janine herself recognized this and called her out for it. She poisoned I don't know how many Commanders a few episodes ago. She encouraged a child to violently murder her rapist. Cathartic for her maybe, but I'd wager harmful in the long run.

It would seem like June is following the old adage of "you either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become the villain". Of course, this change has been coming on gradually. We've seen her become more unforgiving and harsh, especially during the last season. Unbending and vengeful to a point where even her friends have sometimes wondered about it, but greater things where at stake and it all very much depended on June's tenacity. So we mostly ignored it. June and the other Handmaids and Marthas have always been morally grey. They had to be, in the world they live in. They couldn't be the classic heroes à la Superman or Luke Skywalker. Their world is too dirty for them to survive and escape on pure idealism. Like they've said themselves many times: Gilead brings out the worst in you. But how much can you justify with the "doing what was necessary to survive" philosophy? Where is the line? Does this line even exist? Who drew it?

In this last episode I feel like we really got to see June's duality. How from victim, she's becoming a perpetrator herself. And I think this becomes explicitly clear in the final scene, which had such a strong emotional impact on me. We listen to June describe Serena and her motivations -"hatred and rage"- but the images we see are of both women. We see Serena returning to Fred, confessing she needs his help, while June says: "She'll do anything to get what she wants. Lie to you…" But then we cut to June playing with Nichole and Luke and her VoiceOver continues: "…hurt you, rape you." And here we focus on Luke observing his wife and daughter playing together, smile fading. What a painful image that was. June concludes with: "So if you feel yourself get sucked in by her, run. Run for your life" while the images keep interchanging between her and Serena Joy.

That's what made the ending so horrifyingly compelling to me. It was so hard to listen to June describe Serena Joy so accurately and with so much hatred and rage, while remaining blind to the fact that those are the very same emotions that drive her, too. She doesn't see it, but we sure did. And I couldn't look away. Because while we were able to forgive or rationalize her actions in Gilead, that's no longer possible. What she did to Luke, there's no way to justify that. Sure, she's mentally scarred from her time as a handmaid, she's not well, but Luke is not the enemy. It won't be easy for us, the audience, to ignore that. Here, in the safety of Canada, is where we see how far June is willing to go. Here is where we see whether those bastards ground her down or not.

The episode is titled "Home", but what even is home for June anymore? Luke, Nichole, Moira? She barely knows Nichole, and Luke and her have lived such different lives for the past few years. How can they find a common ground upon which to build a life? Not even Moira has seen as much horror and filth as June. No, "Home" is the Fight now. It's destroying Gilead and the Waterfords and everyone who's had a part in it. It's getting her daughter back and making them pay. Home is Revenge. So, will she get the help she needs and focus on her family and the love in her life, or will she let hatred and rage and revenge consume and guide her? Both are possible and valid outcomes, in my opinion. What's yours?

[badgalmorgan]

Tw: r*pe, s*x**l assault

On the 24 of September 2021 I was raped by someone I knew at a house party. I reported my rape on the 26 of September and it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Not only was I exposed to my rapist again but it showed me how little support victims actually have, especially in this climate.

At around 11:15 we got to a house party in the old house I used to live at. I had had a dispute with my rapist the year before but I had come to make peace and let bygones be bygones (not to apologise). I had been out with my friend and we only drank what we had purchased which was wine and a little vodka. I was still sober when we got to the house and I didn’t think anything would go wrong since I had lived there before. My rapist insisted me and friend come to his room to talk about the incident and then when we were inside his room my friend went to use his in suite bathroom. I sat down on his bed and placed my drink next to me. I was done drinking for the night. My friend came out of the bathroom and asked if I was ok and I said yes, he then insisted she leave. After she left he locked the door behind her and I remember closing my eyes and laying back down.

When I opened my eyes he was on top of me, penetrating me and it hurt. I remember saying “no no” and trying to close my legs and get up and he pushed me back down. I finally managed to get up from under him and stumbled to his bathroom where he followed me with his pants and underwear hanging low, at this point I was throwing up and then he forced me to give him oral sex. He only stopped once my friend and two other guys began banging on his door. I was disoriented once the door was open and there are parts I can’t remember. My friend said my hair was messed up and she tried to fix it. She asked me if I wanted to leave and I was still shocked and so I said no. I went to sit outside with a couple of her friends and I was silent the whole time ( my friend was narrating this since I can’t remember what happened after I left his room). I asked for water and when my friend went to look for water she didn’t find any, I then asked if we could go home. When I got to the door I began to throw up I then tried to run and I slipped and fell in my own vomit. I attempted to get up again but I couldn’t and someone tried to help me up. I tried to run again. Finally my friend and someone she knew helped us get home. At home I can’t remember what happened since everything was a blur but I remember waking up at 1:00am before finally waking up at 4:00 am and crying because I realised what he did to me.

The next day I got a morning after pill, and I tried to get the PEP but they said they didn’t store it. I then booked an appointment with my doctor and at his office I tried to get a rape kit done but he abruptly told me they don’t do that and indicated that I should leave. He also asked if the rape was ‘confirmed.’ At this point I hadn’t showered because I knew that’s what you’re not supposed to do. After the appointment with the doctor I felt so demotivated and shitty about myself, I decided to go home and finally take a bath. The next day I told my friend what had happened and we decided to go to the town hospital to get the PEP. At the hospital the nurse insisted I get a rape kit done for “my peace of mind” and what if I regretted not doing it? She kept emphasising it was the the right thing to do and so I felt that I should. I didn’t want to because I could anticipate the fall out. At the police station in order for me to get a rape kit done I had make a statement and there the police officer insisted I press charges. Again she also said this was the ‘right thing’ to do and what about preventing him from doing this to other girls? I felt I should open a case even though I didn’t want to. At this point I felt as if everything was out of my hands. I opened case and was finally able to do a rape kit and just get my PEP pills.

The rape kit was such a horrible and painful ordeal. It was so dehumanising and the victim support the police sent with me did not do anything but text on his phone the entire time and discuss his own personal problems. After all that, the victim support not only watched them mishandle my clothes that were my evidence but he gave me a thumbs up and said “you’re gonna be alright girl”. After all this I finally got the PEP pills that I had wanted and set home. At home I was phoned by a woman claiming to be the investigating officer. She said she was going to meet me and my friend outside our flat to get my friend’s statement. Instead of doing the statement outside our flat she began to drive to house of the attack and said we had to be there to show her where it happened even though I already gave her the address. She then demanded we come inside to the house and wait for my rapist to return so she could tell him I was pressing charges. I later found out this was not proper procedure and instead my rights were violated. At the house she made the call to my rapist and when him and friends arrived, in front of everyone she announced I was pressing charges of rape against him. Him and friends began to harass us and she allowed him to get in my face ( I later asked why she did this and she replied “But you were protected mos?”). The investigating officer took 2 grainy photos after the entire ordeal and only then we could leave. The police officer woman who brought us to house instead stayed behind and offered them to come to her office if they wanted the next morning. In the car she refused to speak to my therapist as I began having an anxiety attack. She then turned to my friend and said she hopes we’re telling the truth because I have ruined his “career”. She drove us home and then I left the car because I couldn’t stand to be in her presence any longer. Alone in the car with my friend she insisted that my friend tell the truth of what really happened that night. Later that night I phoned a rape crisis Center and was told that the police were not meant to take me to my attacker’s house and that it had been a violation of my rights.

The following day while I was at the doctor’s office getting a prescription for anti-anxiety and depression and sleep meds, the same police officer called me and said because my J88 form came back negative nothing happened and I was not raped. She insisted that because the form was negative I was not raped even though I reported a day later and had already showered. She then demanded to know if I would drop the case despite being opened a day before. I replied that I wanted more time and she said no, I had to be at her office by 12 that afternoon to drop the case. I later went to her office where I found my attacker and his numerous friends outside her office. Inside her office she berated my friend, demanding to see what my friend was texting on her phone and when she asked me as to why I wanted to drop the case I told her because I don’t feel supported. She then patronisingly asked what support would I like? She then asked if I was on any psychiatric medication. At this point I didn’t want to deal with all of this anymore so I just asked to drop the case. On our drive back to my flat, she told me to stay away from those boys cause they are bad news and to call her if I ever felt unsafe(??).

After contacting my school’s sexual harassment Center I was told that from the word go, no proper procedure and protocol was followed in my rape case. I was re-victimised by being made to talk to my rapist and accuse I’m in front of people. The relevant people were not notified despite telling them I was a student at this University. The investigating officer began calling me to threaten my friend to stay away from this case. I was pressured by the police to drop my case. My clothes were mishandled at the hospital and victim support didn’t utter two words to me except a thumbs up and a you’ll be alright girl. To make matters worse my mother only focuses on the fact that I can’t drop out of school and can only focus finishing the school year despite being extremely traumatised. When I tried to vocalise this to her, her response was that I shouldn’t dare be rude to her. She then lied about my father seeing a video of me being drunk in order for me to tell him what happened, knowing he’s ignorant and victim blames.

All in all, this entire experience has been so traumatic for me. I literally feel suicidal and alone. The systems meant to support me have not done so and instead threatened and demonised me. My mother has decided to take toxic positivity mindset and insisted that if I focus on my schoolwork everything will make sense. I don’t know who’s this gonna reach, I just wanted to get my story out and say what happened to me and why I would not report my sexual assault.

When I do inevitably end up killing myself, I don’t want the same support system to cry and try make it seem as if I didn’t ask for help because I did and I was failed at every turn.

[duhragonball]

BEGIN: Hellsing Liveblog Ch.1

Okay, so in 2017 I tried to do a minimalist log of my experiences watching/reading  JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure.    At first, I tried to confine myself to posting one zany  screencap from each episode, but as I got deeper into the story I couldn’t help but write giant blocks of text about my thoughts.    So by the time I got to Part 6 I was essentially doing an honest-to-goodness liveblog.  I even went back and re-covered Part 5 in more detail, just because I barely understood it on the first read.   

In 2019, I decided to do a full-on liveblog of Dragon Ball and Dragon Ball Z, since I thought it would be a cool big thing to do.    It was a lot of work but I found it immensely satisfying to discuss the whole story in order.  

After that, I thought it might be nice to tackle something smaller, and Hellsing seemed like a good pick, because I really loved the Hellsing Ultimate anime when I watched it in 2016, and for a while I craved More Of That.    Only there wasn’t more, the Hellsing TV series was a hot mess, and that’s about it.   That just left the manga, which I didn’t want to read right after consuming the anime adaptation.    So I decided to liveblog Hellsing in 2020 and... I didn’t.    I just never felt like getting started.    Call it apathy, call it real life getting in the way, call it me being too busy to commit to the project.    All I know is it’s 2021 and I’m just now getting started.  

I meant to start yesterday for the New Year, but work kicked my ass this week and I needed to decompress more than I realized.   But today, I’m like “No more delays, I’m going to break ground on this, because I want to make this happen.   So here we are. 

I think there’s fan translations of the Hellsing manga out there, but I found them nearly impossible to read, so I purchased the digital editions of the official translation published by Dark Horse Comics.   Unfortunately, they don’t seem to sell that on their website anymore.   The only reason I still have my copy is because Dark Horse let’s you keep your purchases even after they stop offering them for sale.   For example, I’ve got a bunch of Star Wars comics from them, and they’re still on my account, even after Dark Horse lost the Star Wars license to Marvel when DIsney bought Lucasfilm.   I... don’t like to think about that too much.    Let’s just get rolling here.

The story starts on June 14, 1999.   At least, I’m pretty sure it was 1999, but that’s one of the reasons I’m reading this, so I can get my facts straight.    There’s a new vicar in the town of Cheddar, up in northern England.    The comic makes it seem like he just wandered into town one day.   I always figured he was an established member of the community who just happened to become a vampire, but this probably makes more sense.    Everyone calls this dude “The Cheddar Priest”, which leads you to take that description at face value.    It’s easy to think that he’s a real priest who’s lived in Cheddar for a long time.  

But it makes more sense if he’s not.   He just dressed up as a vicar so he’d have an easier time preying on the villagers.    The local church would accept him, and his clergy robes would give him an automatic authority.    On June 21, the first incident happened, where a young man on an errand to the next town over never came back.    So the Cheddar Priest played it very carefully to start out.   He waited a week to start feeding, and his first victim was someone who was going to be alone for a while.  And he took ten more victims over the next ten days.   Finally, someone caught sight of the priest with blood trickling from his mouth, and he managed to survive the encounter long enough to tell the cops about it.   But when they questioned the priest, he just attacked them, which brings us to July 5.

By this point, the police have sealed off Cheddar with roadblocks, since no one has come out of the village since they first confronted the priest.   At some point Sir Hellsing shows up to take over, and everyone’s like “Sir Hellsing is a g-g-g-g-girl!?”  It seems kind of odd to me that all these people would be expecting Hellsing but know so little about her, although she did inherit the title from her father, so maybe they were thinking of him when someone told them who was coming.  

The really distracting thing about Sir Integra Hellsing in this manga is how... curvy she is.   Both anime adaptations focus on making her very thin and angular, probably to emphasize her visual distinction with Seras, but also probably to play up her masculine traits.   She wears suits, never dresses, goes by “Sir” and not “Lady”, and immediately takes charge of every situation she’s in.     The Team Four Star abridged parody of Hellsing Ultimate has a few bits where other characters mistake her for a man.    I don’t thing Ultimate went that far with her design. But I could see someone slipping up on that.   

But the manga Integra looks a lot more feminine, maybe because Kouta Hirano was going in the opposite direction.    She wears a suit and goes by “Sir”, so he wanted to make her look more babelicious for the sake of contrast.   That’s a technical term, by the way.    Also, this is literally chapter one, so making her look different from Seras isn’t necessarily an issue yet.  

Anyway, Integra explains what most readers probably already knew from the back cover of the book: that there’s a vampire in Cheddar, and the cops have no idea how to deal with this.    She has already found visual evidence of “ghouls” in the area, which are humans that have been turned into zombies by a vampire bite.    If the human wasn’t a virgin when they were bitten.  We’ll get into that later.   

The cops think she’s talking crazy, because they think vampires and ghouls are fictional, but Integra explains that supernatural monsters are real, but highly classified.    That’s how she got called in to this matter, because her Hellsing Organization, aka the “Royal Order of Protestant Knights”, is responsible for destroying these creatures.   

What doesn’t make a lot of sense, though, is how Hellsing can properly respond to these kinds of incidents if no one knows to report them.    The tragedy of this chapter is that a lot of innocent people got killed because the police tried to handle it themselves.    What they should have done was to contact Hellsing immediately, except no one knew they were dealing with a vampire because no one thought vampires were real.  And no one knew Hellsing was the agency to contact, because Hellsing’s mission is a secret.  

For that matter, why should any of this be kept a secret at all?   If vampires are a real thing, why not tell the public about it?   That may sound like a stupid question, but tigers are real, and everyone knows it, no matter how big and dangerous tigers can be.   I suppose there’s a fear that if people knew it was possible to become a vampire then they’d try to do it for the immortality, but keeping it a secret didn’t stop the Cheddar Priest.   If anything, all this secrecy gave him a three-week head start.  

While explaining the plot to the police, Integra also explains how vampires work.    By drinking the blood of a virgin of the opposite sex, they can turn that virgin into a new vampire.  Any other victims just turn into mindless ghouls, which are “nothing more than the vampire’s servants”.   So sending cops into Cheddar only makes the problem worse, because the Priest will just eat them and generate more henchmen.   Her solution is to send in a single “special anti-vampire expert” to take care of the whole thing.   His name is Alucard, and one of his first lines in this story is about how he wants to suck some blood.     So he just sort of strolls into Cheddar while...

Of all the police they sent into Cheddar, only one remains, and the Cheddar Priest and his ghouls chase her into the woods.    This is Seras Victoria, as we later find out, and she’s in deep shit right here.   All her comrades are ghouls now, and her gun doesn’t work on vampires.   I’m guessing the only reason she survived this long was because the priest had to take the time to kill and feed on the others.  

Here, we see the Priest is also aware of the vampire rules Integra laid out.    He seems to want a devoted army of ghouls, so maybe this was his plan all along.   If he just wanted to feed, he probably should have moved on to the next town before everyone got suspicious, but instead he’s making a stand in Cheddar, steadily building his army while the police are powerless to stop him.   And maybe this is why Hellsing is a secret.    He thinks he’s unstoppable because he doesn’t know what measures are in place to stop him.  

With Seras, ol’ C.P. decides that he should rape her before drinking her blood, because he figures there’s a nonzero chance that she might be a virgin, and he specifically doesn’t want to turn her into a vampire like himself.   I’m not sure why, but I always figured he was concerned that a vampire Seras would turn against him or at least make things difficult for him.  

But then Alucard shows up and introduces himself.   The priest orders his ghouls to gun him down, but it turns out that Alucard is a vampire himself (gasp!), and the guns don’t work on him, just like they don’t work on the priest.   Then Al whips out his gun, which does work, because it fires bullets laced with silver from a cross that was in a cathedral.   Wait, I just got a clue.  I always thought it was weird that silver bullets kill vampires in this story, since that’s more of a werewolf thing, but that’s why the silver was from a melted down cross.    That way it’s good for vampires and werewolves.    There might also be some Blue Kryptonite in there for possible Bizarro infestations, but it’s never outright stated.

So then the Priest gets nervous and takes a hostage.    He never dreamed that there was another vampire running around, let alone one working as a  vampire hunter, in the service of humans.   He assumes that Al will let him go in order to save the girl, but instead he asks her if she’s a virgin, and the priest realizes there’s only one reason he’d even bring that up: Alucard isn’t here to save anyone, he’s just here to kill the Cheddar Priest. 

For some reason, despite saying the bullets would kill vampires, Alucard runs his arm through the Priest after he makes the shot.   Maybe that was just for flourish.    The real reason he used the gun, of course, was that he knew Seras would die in any event, but at least this way he stopped the Priest before he could decapitate her or something.    Seras’ wound is fatal, but at least there’s time for him to offer an apology and give her a chance to consider his (implied) offer.

When Alucard returns from the village, he’s got Seras wrapped up in a blanket, and it turns out she’s a vampire now too.    And this is kind of the most important moment in this whole story, because Seras is the best character, there are no elections, and this her origin story.   

I think a lot about Seras’ fateful decision here.   It’s often framed as a choice.   Whenever she gets frustrated with her situation, Alucard reminds her that she could have just refused him, but what kind of choice is that?   She could either “live” as a vampire or bleed out in the middle of nowhere.    Seras is a survivor.   She kept fighting the priest until the bitter end, and when there were no other moves to make, she accepted the one path that would allow her to continue.   

Also, I think a lot of their relationship is based on Seras seeing what Alucard is and wanting that for herself.    He marched right into Cheddar like a badass, ready to beat all the bad guys, but that’s the same thing she did earlier.    The only difference is that his gun actually worked and he had the power to use it.   I don’t think Seras wanted to become a vampire, but becoming a vampire hunter? One as strong as Alucard?   Yeah, she would want that.   Especially after the utter despair and humiliation she just experienced.   But we’ll have plenty more to say about Seras, don’t you worry.

I was planning to cover three chapters in one post, but this one is pretty important, and I kind of went overboard, so I’ll save Chapters 2 and 3 for later.   Doncha dare miss it!

[buckyscrystalqueen]

Fresh Start: Part 1

Pairings: Bucky x Reader, Cop!Bucky x Reader

Warnings: Swearing, mentions of an attempted rape.

Word Count: 2,521

A/N: Got the idea for this one while watching ‘The Town’.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Victim. It wasn’t a word that you would ever use to describe yourself and yet, that’s what the officers standing in your living room kept referring to you as. Your teeth ground together every single time someone said that word, and you tried really hard to focus on your daughter, Jessica, who had gotten woken up when your German Shepherd, Dakota, ran from her nursery to your bedroom to attack the man that had snuck through your open bedroom window. 

“Ms. Odinson?” A soft, female voice said as you pressed the buttons on your daughter’s play table to keep her entertained since she wasn’t going back to sleep any time soon. “My name is Sergeant Romanoff. And this is my partner, Detective Barnes. We’d like to ask you a couple questions about what happened?” You sighed loudly and looked up at her, but startled when you looked at the familiar pair of blue eyes you never expected to see again.

“Moth’a fuck’a… you’re a cop?!” You growled as your annoyance turned into full blown rage. “Moth’a fuck’a!”

“(Y/N), wait…” Bucky gasped, his obviously fake Townie accent now long gone as he stared blankly at the little girl he didn’t know existed. You jumped to your feet and shoved him against the wall with every ounce of strength you had.

“Fuck you!” You screeched as you shoved him again while he simply held up his hand up to his partner to let her know he was OK. “You bastard! I fucking hate you! You were supposed ta be there!”

“I know.” He said with a nod as he gently grabbed your wrists. His heart fell as he watched tears well in your eyes while you continued to try to hit him.

“You rat!” You cried as he looked over your head at the little girl that absolutely had his eyes. It only took you a moment longer to connect those dots in your head. “No! Get out! You turned your fucking back on me, you turned your back on her, you hear me? She is mine!”

“OK, OK.” Sergeant Romanoff said as she finally stepped in to break the two of you up. “Ms. Odinson, let’s take a step back so Detective Barnes can step out…”

“You better stay gone, moth’a fuck’a!” You snapped at him as you were gently pulled back away from the man that shattered your heart. “Stay gone!”

“Baby…” Bucky tried as you walked over and picked up your little girl to protect her.

“Go die.” You said evenly as you looked over your shoulder at him. “You will never be a fath’a ta my child.”

——

“Buck?” Steve asked softly as he walked up to his friend in Natasha’s office. “You good?” Bucky shook his head as he watched you feeding your daughter… his daughter, Cheerios one by one the way she liked it while you gave Natasha and Wanda your statements.

“I didn’t…” He tried. “She’s so beautiful. And I don’t even know her name. She’s my daughter and I don’t even know her fucking name.” Steve nodded in understanding as he looked between his best friend and the mother of his best friend’s child that he didn’t even know existed.

“How’d you even meet her?” Steve asked gently. Bucky sighed and scrubbed his hand across the lower half of his face.

“You remember the major heroin bust from two years ago? Guy was found with 45 kilos? I was a UC on that case. Guy’s name was Thor Odinson. (Y/N)’s his baby sister. I was under for almost six years and I got too close. I feel in love with her. I proposed to her, Steve. Like, ready to tell her the truth on who I was, convince her to run away, change our names, and spend the rest of my life on the run with her, kinda love. But when I missed a check in, my team moved in fearing the worst. She lost everyone that night. And it’s all my fault.”

“Buck, that’s not your fault.” Steve said as the girls got up from the table you were sitting at. “You were just doing your job…”

“And now she has no one.” Bucky interrupted, as he watched you get up to put your daughter down so she could walk around. “And she had my daughter without me. Fuck!” He shouted as he punched the wall, causing you to actually turn toward the mirror he was standing behind.

“Barnes!” Nat snapped as she walked into her office. “Walk it off.”

“I gotta talk to her.” He said quickly as he grabbed the door handle and walked into the interrogation room.

“What…?” You tried as he grabbed a chair and wedged it under the door handle before darting over to the other door to repeat the action. “What the fuck are you doing?”

“I love you.” He said as he used his body weight to easily hold the chair in place while he looked across the room at you and your scared little girl. “I still love you. I will always… always love you. And I know that me saying that means nothing to you and it probably never will but I do love you. I hated lying to you, (Y/N). I hated every minute of it. You used to ask me why I didn’t sleep at night. If I was scared of the robberies or the dealing… None of that meant shit. Lying to you was why. Because I couldn’t tell you that my name wasn’t Sam Johnson. Because I couldn’t tell you to run away from the monster your brother was. Because I couldn’t tell the woman that I loved that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her since she couldn’t know who I even was without it possibly costing us both our lives. Baby, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” You startled the slightest bit when something hard hit the door he wasn’t standing by.

“My loyalties lie with Thor.” You said softly as you hiked your daughter up a bit higher on your hip as she hid in your throat from the scary man. Bucky’s jaw clenched with that statement and he looked away for only half a second to compose himself as Steve continued to try and get the door open. 

“What’s her name?” He asked as he met your eyes again. His question caught in his throat as the slightest hint of tears welled in his baby blues. “I just wanna know her name.” You shook your head and looked away as Steve finally got the door between the room you were in and Nat’s office open.

“Are you out of your mind, Barnes?” The Sergeant asked as you quickly took a step over to your stroller.

“I’m dropping charges.” You said as you kicked the brakes off and pushed it toward the other door. “I’m done with this. All’a this.”

“Baby, please.” Bucky tried as Steve pulled him and the chair away from the door for you. “Please!” Against your better judgement, you hesitated a step, and shook your head.

“Jessica.” You said as you met his eyes for hopefully the last time. “But you will never know her, Bucky. Ever.” His shoulders physically dropped as you turned and rushed out of the SVU precinct. He watched you walk away, at least grateful that he had the option this time instead of when he was simply ‘arrested’ like the last time. He startled as two random facts connected in his head, meaning that this attack was no ordinary attack.

“Fuck. Get Banner on the phone.” Bucky said as he yanked himself out of Steve’s grip to get to you to save you from your brother. “She’s going to her brother. Get him in to solitary…”

“Way to go, Barnes.” Natasha said as she headed back to her office with a shake of her head. She stopped in the doorway and pointed at him, angrily. “You stay the hell away from her, you hear me?”

“I gotta go.” Bucky said the moment his commanding officer was out of ear shot. “She doesn’t see it…”

“Bucky…” Steve tried as Bucky stormed out the door and grabbed his jacket from the back of his desk chair. “Buck!”

“James Barnes, don’t you go after her!” Natasha called out as she called down to Massachusetts Correctional to get your brother into solitary before you could get there to see him to out her detective. Bucky simply ignored her and kept walking.

——

You had barely made it out of South Walpole on Winter Street when a white flash caught your eye. You thought it was just from being up half the night and making the hour and a half long trek through traffic from your home in Charlestown to Massachusetts Correctional in Norfolk, but sure as shit, Bucky slowly walked out into the road and waved you to the side with a gun. 

“Swear ta Christ I should just run yer ass ov’a, moth’a fuck’a.” You shouted through the open car window as you pulled over to the side of the tree lined road.

“(Y/N), I need you to stop and think for a moment.” He said as he quickly ran around to the other side of your Honda and got in before you could run him over or simply take off. “Think. What do you have going on next week?”

“None of your damn…”

“You’ve got a court date.” He interrupted, knowing that you weren’t going to play along. “Same as I do. A court date about the murder your brother committed after that bank robbery that I know, you know about. I’m not stupid… but neither are you. Because I know you fucking know who is behind your attack.”

“He wouldn’t…” You defended, unbelievingly as you looked out the front windshield. “Get outta my car.”

“He would, (Y/N)!” He shouted. “Because I have seen him make that call first hand before! Baby, he’s in jail for drug trafficking and witness intimidation so far! Thor is a fucking psychopath…”

“Don’t you talk about my broth’a!”

“I’ll talk about your damn broth’a until you open your fuckin’ eyes and admit what you know is going down!” He roared back, his fake Boston accent mixing almost seamlessly with his natural New York accent, but still sounding some what comical. “He’s a monster. There’s no other word for it. You know it as well as I do. I know you don’t want to admit it but you don’t have a choice anymore…”

“What the fuck am I supposta do, huh? Turn on my own damn broth’a?”

“That’s exactly what you need to do.” Bucky said as he turned in his seat to hold your hands. “Look I know you don’t trust me. You have every right not to. But I can protect you. I can get you out of the Town, I can get you and our daughter safe. Don’t you want that for her, huh? We had so many plans, doll. I know you remember…”

“Bucky, I’m just a Townie.” You said with a shake of your head. “I ain’t never gunna be nothin’ else. Those are just dreams…”

“That I can make real.” He interrupted. “(Y/N), I’m a cop. If you testify, I mean really testify, I can get you and Jess into WITSEC. And I know for a fact that Thor doesn’t have the kinda reach you think he does. He killed his connect with the cartel and you are the only one alive that knows it for a fact. And I know you know because you told me. But I can’t be the one to say it if you don’t because you’ll go to jail for perjury. And then Jess ends up in the system. And I can’t save her since I know I’m not on the birth certificate. And I also know you don’t have any one else. So she ends up in the system and with your record, you end up in jail for a long, long time. Someone else will be tucking her in at night. Someone else will be holding her hand as she walks into school for her first day of kindergarten. She’ll be callin’ someone else mommy…”

“Shut up!” You screamed as you slapped him across the face. “Don’t talk about my daught’a!”

“Then do something to save her!” Tears filled your eyes and you looked away at the jail. After a moment, Bucky reached out to brush your heavily hair sprayed hair back behind your ear. “Let me help you, (Y/N). I promised you the day we got together that I would always protect you. Let me keep that promise to you, baby doll. Please. Please, baby. I lost you once, I can’t lose you again. I need you to trust me. If you drive up to that jail, I can’t help you anymore. I got all day to sit here with you while you think. Not as a cop, but as a father, begging to keep his little girl out of the system. As a fiancé who just wants the love of his life safe. At the end of the day, I’m here for you.” You nodded your head slowly but kept looking at the jail, weighing the two heavy options.

“Can’t we just make it all go away?” You choked as you covered your face with your hands. With a heavy sigh, Bucky reached out to gently rub your back.

“It will, baby doll.” He said softly as you leaned across the middle console into his side. “You just gotta do the right thing, OK?”

“Are you coming with us?” You asked after a few minutes of thinking about it. You pulled back and looked up at him, pleadingly, with streaks of mascara and eyeliner on your cheeks. “Please. I can’t do this alone and I have no one else…”

“I’ll come. I’m Jessica’s dad.” He agreed with a nod. “I’ll figure out a way to come, I promise.” With a nod of your head you sat up all the way and looked over at the jail again.

“OK.” You whispered as all your hope slipped out the window. “I’ll do it.”

“OK.” Bucky sighed in relief. “So we gotta go get Jess, pack up some clothes, and get you to the WITSEC safe house. So switch seats with me.” You blinked a few times and looked over at him as he opened the passenger door.

“Wait, what about your bike?”

“Won’t matter in two days.” He said seriously. “But I’ll stash it in the trees, and have a buddy of mine pick it up.” With a nod of your head, you climbed over the middle and looked back up at the jail one final time.

“I’m sorry, broth’a.” You whispered as you tucked your feet up on the chair.

“Seat belt, doll.” Bucky reminded you like he did every time he got in the car. You followed his command and looked out the window as your tears started to fall again.

Part 2

[takeiteasypeasybaby]

Save Me: Chapter 26 - Betrayal

~Hey guys! Chapter 26 is out now :) Molly is in a dark place as she feels completely alone, little does she know that there is always light at the end of the tunnel...I hope everyone is having a good week and chapter 27 will be out on Sunday. Love y’all <3~

Molly is feeling isolated and out of place being back with her family. Will she be able to find peace within herself and the others?

I was home, straight back to cold, damp darkness.

It was silent for the most part, sometimes I heard footsteps on the grass outside.

But, the sun didn't shine on me now for a reason.

They all hated me.

Tara looked at me like she never had before, no anger, no sadness just shock, like I was a complete stranger.

I can't describe that feeling, it wasn't simple loneliness or guilt, I felt as though I had no place in world where my two feet on the ground were solid.

I had once thought that the Sanctuary was my home and by extension Negan but now thinking about that place, it just felt estranged to me.

Now, the exact same feeling was felt for this place.

I shivered when the cool breeze zipped through the bars, though I had always preferred the cold to the raging heat of  Virginia.

It was bad for me to be alone, as in darkness I tended to dwell on my deepest thoughts.

I couldn't cry anymore, a part of me thought that there were just no tears left.

I was numb.

I was numb to physical emotion, but that didn't mean that my emotions didn't still overwhelm me.

Memories of Negan flashed through my mind when I rubbed my neck, now sore from the hard floor.

His lips, his kisses, his warm hands, everything.

I clenched my fists and sighed in frustration.

How could I let myself become so naive, so stupid?!

When I touched my chest, where my locket had once sat, I thought of Tara and how losing the locket had actually predicted how I would lose her.

She had every right to hate me though, as did Maggie, as did Rosita, I had failed them all.

My own weak emotions had overwhelmed me, maybe that's what caused Simon to... I couldn't finish that thought.

I couldn't make myself go back there, to that space.

Suddenly, the main door squeaked open and I jumped up to my feet, squinting my eyes to see who it was.

Jesus.

He walked over to me and without a word he unlocked and opened the cell door.

I stood in front of him as he just looked me over as if I was unrecognisable.

He looked down as he said quietly, 'Rick wants you at Alexandria, it's probably best for you know...'.

I just nodded.

He held my arm gently as he guided me up the stairs and out into the sunlight.

It beamed down on my face, but this time that fresh grass smell had subsided and there was no Tara to embrace me.

Instead as we walked towards the gates, there she stood, next to Maggie and Rosita.

She had a hopeful look in her eye which was almost a smile as she tried to walk towards me.

She must have thought that I was being released, but the realisation hit when Rick and Michonne came to lead me to their car.

Everyone else just stared at me in awe and almost fear.

'Look at her!' they must have said.

'That's the girl that slept with Negan!' they must have whispered to each other.

Maggie looked at me once before walking back inside, she couldn't even stand the sight of me.

I looked around at everyone and only bowed my head down once Tara backed away.

Once I was in the car, it was silence again.

None of us knowing what to say to each other, although I could always tell when Rick wanted to say something.

He kept glancing at me through the mirror as he drove with a slight scowl as if he was both proud yet hurt by my actions.

I knew exactly what he wanted to ask, but none of them could ever understand because none of them knew him like I did.

That's how they hated him, they only saw the man who killed members of our family and not the man who cares for his people and does everything to keep them safe.

I looked away from his glance as I watched the endless forest zip past my window with the occasional walker stumbling through.

I hadn't been to Alexandria for a long time yet seeing those gates again and the beautiful sign that read:

                             Welcome to the Alexandria Safe Zone

                                           Mercy for the lost

                                   Vengeance for the plunderers

We pulled up as Aaron drew back the gates. 

It wasn't the place I remembered anymore. Hardly anyone had guns and there were very little supplies, all down to Negan I gathered.

Aaron didn't say a word to me but just scowled, Rick must have told them.

Michonne told Rick she was going to check on Carl and Judith while he put me in my new cell.

When we walked to the house with a basement cell, I looked over to my old house, right next to Tara and Denise's.

It looked untouched, perfect almost, I wondered if Negan and his Saviours had taken anything from it.

Rick told me to sit in the chair while he went to check on the others, little did I know that I would soon have company.

I waited for a while and when I got bored of sitting I stood up and paced around the small room.

There was a little window with bars across it which gave more light than at Hilltop.

I was thankful for it.

Hearing people walk past, children playing, it made me recall what I loved about this place.

A few weeks later...

I rested my arms against the window entranced by the outside when a figure bounded down the stairs and said 'How could you?'.

I turned around to see Aaron, a scowl across his face and his hands on his hips.

I sighed, saying 'Aaron, I don't know what Rick has told you, but either way please know that I'm sorry'.

He scoffed, 'did Rick tell you what your boyfriend did to mine, he got Eric killed' he said, his face reddening now with rage.

I looked down in shock.

'You didn't know? But you knew about Spencer and Olivia, yet you still fell for the bastard?!' he said sternly.

I looked at him and nodded.

'Yeah and that guilt will live with me for the rest of my life. I am sorry about Eric, if I had stayed at the Sanctuary longer, maybe I could've helped...' I said sadly.

He saw the guilt and self-hatred in my eyes and his scowl now turned to a frown of pity.

'I don't blame you nor do I hate you. You're family and Eric loved you like a sister. Rick's only told us your part in the matter, not what you went through' he said softly.

I gulped at knowing what I might tell him.

'Not all of it was dark, the lighter moments were with Negan. But, in that place, there were far worse people than him' I said quietly.

Aaron stepped forward and opened the cell door to sit with me.

'Molly, I-I don't know what you went through there, but you've gotta know that Negan is an evil person. Rick said you told him he 'saved' you. How?' he asked sternly.

I looked away from him, I had to tell someone, I couldn't let it control me anymore.

I had wanted Tara to be the first, but she wasn't here for me.

I inhaled as my focus shifted to his gaze.

'A man tried to rape me when I got to the Sanctuary and Negan killed him before he could. But the next time...he just wasn't fast enough' I said slowly.

Aaron was taken aback as he just stared at me, open mouthed and frowned.

'Molly, I-I am so sorry that happened to you' he said trying to reach forward.

I lept up and moved towards the window.

'Yeah well, no one else knows so just keep it to yourself. Please' I said warningly.

'But if you told Rick then-' he said pleadingly.

I spun around in anger.

'Then what Aaron? They would feel sorry for me? I'm not a fucking victim, I don't need to be coddled. I deserve to be in here because I am guilty, I'm guilty of making a bad decision. But you know what? By that fact, everyone else should be in here with me, especially Rick, because he's made some terrible fucking decisions over the years' I said sternly.

I scoffed at him as he just stood there, wide eyed and surprised.

'You all say that I'm in here because I slept with the enemy, but I know the truth...it's because I'm now a threat. I'm an 'unknown' and you all don't know what to do with me because I've been on both sides. Oh, and apparently even though I didn't commit Negan's crimes, I'm still guilty of them by association and you all were so quick to judge me even though you're supposed to be my family. So thank you by the way! Now fuck off Aaron' I shouted before I turned back around to look out of the window.

He was stunned into silence at my speech and just walked out and back up the stairs.

I sighed in relief as that was the first time I had expressed my true feelings without guilt.

It wasn't until sunset when Rick came back to visit me.

He brought some dinner with him, a plate made up of bread, tomatoes and mushed vegetables.

I was starving so I grabbed the food off him and ate it in two seconds flat.

He raised his eyebrows and almost smirked as he sat down in front of me.

'Aaron told me he visited you' he said quietly.

I just rolled my eyes in response as I wiped my mouth and sat down.

'Can we not do this, because you don't give a shit about what I have say nowadays' I said sternly.

He sighed and looked down as he removed his hatchet and guns from his holster and set them onto the floor so he was more comfortable.

'I'm sorry Molly. Aaron didn't tell me what happened to you but I know it was bad. I love you, you know that. You're my family, my sister' he started to say.

'I didn't think about what it must have been like for you, being there. Thank you for what you did for us, if it weren't for you then some of us wouldn't be here. But, Molly, you have to know that Negan has to die' he said softly.

I inhaled, saying 'yeah I know'.

'You're okay with that? Because I need you firmly on my side, our side' he said pleadingly.

'I have to be okay. But just know, that I would do anything for this family. It's true, I fell for Negan but family comes first, always' I said as I grabbed his hand and took it in mine.

He smiled and nodded.

'Alright, welcome back' he said as he stood and handed me my gun and knives.

I smirked in surprise as I took them and put them in my holster.

He walked up the stairs as I just stood there in awe. 'Well, you comin' or what?' he said smirking.

I chuckled and followed him up the stairs. It felt good to be back...

Carl's POV//

After seeing Michonne and handing her Judith, I told her I was going to help with the crops but really I was sneaking out.

I climbed the steel wall and hopped over, flinging my rucksack over as I went.

I just needed to be outside, kill something, anything.

I felt trapped and hopeless with Negan ruling our life.

No one noticed when I left, so I knew that I could just stay in the woods for a couple hours then go back.

Enid and I loved these woods, it reminded me of when she kissed me before she went away to live at Hilltop.

Maggie needed her to help her with the baby and being at Alexandria reminded her of Glenn.

I heard walkers snarling behind me so I readied my blade and managed to kill them, one by one.

It was easy enough so I got comfortable.

I wandered aimlessly, seeing some of the stakes my dad had put down to trap walkers.

A walker was staked through the middle as it growled and grunted when a man came up behind it and killed it.

He looked like he was alone.

'Hey' I said.

'My dad put those down' I continued as I slowly walked towards the man.

He looked startled and nervous.

'I'm Carl' I said as he pointed to himself and said 'Siddiq'.

I held out a bag containing a sandwich and a bottle of water and said 'food and water'.

He tilted his head and asked 'why?'.

'My mom told me that you always gotta do whats right, I wanna help you' I said smiling at him.

I chucked the bag over to him which he lunged for as he ripped it open and chugged the water down.

'Thanks' he managed as he sat on the ground.

'Glad I found you' I said smiling.

'Me and my dad, we're in a community' I said softly, he looked up once I mentioned it.

'I'm gonna ask you a few questions and I need you to answer honestly okay?' I said as I walked towards him further.

He stood up and nodded.

'How many walkers have you killed? I know it's hard to keep track bu-' I started to ask before he interrupted.

'237' he said hastily.

'How many people have you killed?' I asked sceptically.

'One' he answered sadly.

'Why?' I followed up with.

'The dead tried to kill him but...they didn't' he said sadly.

I just nodded.

'Come with me' I said as I walked in front.

He followed me as we walked back to Alexandria.

There were a group of walkers feasting on a deer carcass when we approached them.

'Okay, follow me' I said as we moved slowly around the trees towards them.

The walkers sensed us, got up and walked towards us.

I killed one, as did Siddiq but more came, more than we expected.

Siddiq struggled and said 'just go! you don't have to help me'.

I mumbled 'no' as a walker tackled me to the ground.

It's teeth gnashed against my face as Siddiq managed to kill his walker alongside one more.

The walker growled and gnashed inches from my flesh before sinking its teeth briefly into my stomach.

He got rid of one which was heading my way just as I managed to grab my gun from my pocket and kill it.

I was bit.

I climbed up to my feet, hiding my bite with my shirt and came over to Siddiq.

'Okay?' he asked.

'Yeah' I said breathlessly.

'You could've left...' he said quietly.

'I'm responsible for you now. That's how it works' I said now looking at him.

'I don't wanna make any trouble. Your dad won't want anything to do with me' he said nervously.

'Sometimes kids have to find their own way to show their parents the way' I said as I winced at the pain and kept walking.

Siddiq following me closely behind.

When we got back, my dad was out with a couple others but Michonne was still there with Judith.

I couldn't tell her or my dad, not yet.

I now had a timer on my life and I had to make memories for Judith so she would remember me.

I smiled ordinarily at Michonne when I walked in and played with Judith in her room.

We made shapes of our hands with paint and she drew pictures of us together.

Tears formed in my eyes as I realised I would never see her grow old.

While she played and laughed with her toys, I got out some paper and a pen from her toy box and wrote some letters.

I wrote one to my dad, Michonne, Judith, Enid and Negan.

With Negan's I asked him to stop the fight and with everyone else's I thanked them for being there for me.

Siddiq was taken in and being a doctor, my dad accepted him when I got back.

He lectured and scolded me but was proud of me when he learned what I did.

I didn't know how long I would have, but sitting with my family out on the porch while the sun now set was perfect...

[newmayhem]

Reading and ranking the entire Den of Shadows series

Check out my other Den of Shadows reviews HERE.

After a year such as this one, I wanted to close it out with something fun so I spent the past month marathoning the entire Den of Shadows series- rereading the original quartet and then reading for the first time the new TDOS books. I was originally going to post reviews/reactions for each book, but that got too cumbersome. Instead, I’m doing one big post of my personal ranking so I can discuss each book and talk about the series as a whole.

Spoilers for the entire Den of Shadows series below.

Personal Ranking

I based it on several different criteria but mainly: 1) How much I enjoyed it, 2) Writing/storytelling quality, 3) If there was anything glaringly ‘problematic’ (which I’ve found is usually a big factor in how much I enjoyed it), 4) How it fits in context of the entire series.

9. Shattered Mirror It hurts to put this one last on my list because Shattered Mirror was my intro to The Den of Shadows and to ahar’s work. Reading this again as an adult was frustrating because I can see why I loved it the first time around and how most of that doesn’t hold up today. Sarah was a great main character who deserved so much better than the ending she got. It was just wall to wall rape culture and misogyny. I hated Christopher and how he was a creepy pedophilic stalker framed as a romantic hero, I hated how Nikolas got some copout backstory so he would look like a good guy even though he beat a girl to death for rejecting his brother, and I hated how Nissa was enabling both of them. I really hated that this was meant to be a racism/prejudice metaphor because that doesn’t work out when the ‘oppressed’ group does actually harm innocent people. Aside from that, I felt like the pacing was really off- the events unfold over the course of a little over a week and we’re supposed to believe that after hanging out with them twice Sarah’s developed a bond with these vampires strong enough to override the prejudice she’s been raised with since birth (and that Christopher’s in love with her). And then there’s that whole anti-climax when it turns out that the ‘villain’ was Kaleo all along, but instead of having the book end there, there’s another 20 pages where we have to watch Sarah get attacked and changed against her will and then have it framed as a happy ending. I did like that she decided to not stay with Christopher in the end, though.

8. Midnight Predator I was actually surprised by how much I liked this one because I didn’t remember anything from it at all except for like, two scenes and some character names. It felt more mature in writing style, thematic content, and aesthetics. I also liked that we got a main character who was a little older and that the world was, for the most part, very removed from the human world. It was a good way to close out the original quartet in that it touched on a lot of the themes that had been explored in the books previous. That said, I had a lot of problems with how the issue of slavery was handled and also with how victim-blamey the moral of the story turned out to be. It just didn’t sit right with me that at no point did anyone bring up the idea of, you know, ending slavery at Midnight, which Jaguar had all the power to do. I hate that we were supposed to be sympathetic towards Jaguar and treat him like a good guy because he doesn’t abuse his slaves (for reasons that center on him) like everyone else does when he easily could just...not own slaves. Tying in with the victim blaming stuff, it felt like we were supposed to be satisfied with Turquoise freeing herself but being ok with letting slavery continue. And the big character arc that leads to her getting revenge on Daryl was framed as her ‘not letting herself be a victim anymore’, which is an objectively terrible take on this issue. Aside from that, I also had issues with the pacing here. We were promised a story about Midnight and a mission to assassinate Jeshickah, but all of that goes out the window in an anti-climax about two thirds of the way through the book (and two days into the timeline), and then the rest is a plodding montage leading to a very abrupt end. I also didn’t like how Daryl was supposed to be the real villain of the story but was also portrayed as a snivelling idiot that no one liked anyway, because that lessened the impact of Turquoise finally getting up the courage to kill him.

7. Demon In My View This was a good followup to ITFOTN in that it struck a balance between being standalone and having ties to the previous book. That said, I found the tone to be surprisingly more immature. I mainly didn’t like how the main character and the antagonist were handled. Jessica, while being a great reader insert/power fantasy, wasn’t very interesting because she didn’t go through any character development or have to sacrifice anything, but still got everything she wanted in the end. Fala was too much of a buttmonkey and her motives were too weak to be taken seriously. It also didn’t sit right with me that she’s the only canonical woc so far and she’s being portrayed as this incompetent cartoon villain even though objectively, like, she does have a point. But I do love the introduction of my favorite underappreciated side character, the ultimate MVP: Caryn Smoke!

6. Token of Darkness This book had a lot going against it, mainly in that it’s the most disconnected from the other TDOS books in terms of not only characters and setting, but also with introducing beings that hadn’t been mentioned before (in text, at least). I think especially as one of the new TDOS books, it would’ve helped to at least offhandedly namedrop some people/events/places. My second problem with this book was that everything felt very underdeveloped. I loved the new characters that were introduced, but I was disappointed that we didn’t have a lot of time to get to know them. I would’ve liked to see Cooper actually start training under Ryan, I would’ve liked to learn more about the LeCoire family and what it means to be a sorcerer. I also just wanted more Delilah because she’s such a fascinating character (I loved her reckless and unapologetic ambition). Kind of like ITFOTN, I felt like this lacked an Act 2. I think the story should’ve started earlier so we could see more of the investigation part of it, so we can get all the characters together earlier and have them working together (while Delilah has her hidden agenda on the side) to figure this out and build towards that climax. Even with the pacing and development problems, this is higher on the list because I just really enjoyed it- it was light and fun and I hope we get a chance to see these characters again.

5. Poison Tree This was something that I really wanted out of a new TDOS book- it delved deeper into parts of the world that had been mentioned before- the Bruja Guilds, SingleEarth, the Mistari, and all of that serves to set the scene for Promises to Keep. The concept was this cool deconstructed/reconstructed whodunnit story. It was more complicated than the typical TDOS plot, so I appreciate the ambition. That said, the execution wasn’t great- I often had to pause and go back in order to keep the facts straight and figure out who knows what, which was distracting. Another reason why this didn’t rank higher was that for some reason, I didn’t connect as much with these characters as I have in other books. The pacing was odd, I didn’t like that it came to a point where everyone had figured the main part of the mystery out, but instead of going directly to the climax, it took a detour into relationship drama, which slowed down the momentum. I think it would’ve made more sense to put Sarik and Alysia into a situation where they were forced to work together (rather than that brief but drawn out thing with Sarik and Christian). There would’ve been more tension, conflict, and forward momentum, and because they’re the two leads that were supposed to be focused on, it would’ve felt less like a detour.

4. Persistence of Memory This was a very good return to TDOS. It feels very familiar in how the new characters fit into the world. It struck a good balance between introducing new characters and having them coexist with concepts and characters that we’ve heard of before. I felt the same spark while reading this as I felt when I first read the original quartet. Like, this entirely new book made me feel nostalgic, and that’s not to be underestimated. I really loved the two protagonists and I was very invested in both of their stories. I particularly loved Shevaun because her struggle with her fear of becoming human again is one that we don’t often see in vampire fiction. I also think both she and Adjila are the perfect embodiment of beings who’ve been around for centuries and just don’t have the same morals and boundaries that humans do. I don’t normally read these books for the romance, but both canon ships here were really well done and believable, and also paralleled each other in an interesting way. And I loved the oddly wholesome focus on found/chosen family. Also, this gets extra points for everyone dunking on Alexander every time he’s mentioned.

I didn’t rank this higher because I wished Erin was more involved in figuring out what was going on with her. I didn’t really like that after a certain point, it felt like Sassy took over as protagonist. Still, I really enjoyed it, the ending was very satisfying (I loved that it was a straight up happy/optimistic ending instead of a bittersweet or abrupt one like most of the TDOS endings had been so far).

3. Promises to Keep This was a bold ending to the series. It took a lot of guts to basically blow up the world that you spent nearly 20 years creating and I admire that. It was a really engaging story that truly showed the full extent of what ahar was capable of as a writer at that time and the full extent of what a TDOS book could be. I think this time ahar really nailed the pacing (which was something that had always been a bit shaky in the past). We got to spend enough time with Jay and get to know him (it was a good choice to have the protagonist be a character we’ve met before but could still get to know more). I liked seeing everything we’ve learned from all the previous books come together and come into play. And I especially loved that our MVP Caryn got the HEA she deserves. The little epilogues at the end were fun to read (only, I’m mad we didn’t hear anything about Risika. Especially because she does get mentioned (and we finally know that 1) she found out about what happened to her mom, and 2) she and Kaleo have active, ongoing beef over it)). It really felt like a finale, but at the same time, it felt like a new beginning and I can’t wait for new books in this post-Promises world.

This could’ve ranked higher, but I did have a problem with Brina. In terms of personality, etc., I loved her and she was fun to get to know, but I can’t get past the whole slave owner thing and how that aspect of her was handled. I wished that her character arc was more about realizing that enslaving people is objectively bad rather than having her keep pointing out Jay’s incidental hypocrisy as if it weren’t a false equivalence. Her happy ending just felt a little unearned- the only real ‘penance’ she performed wrt being a slave owner was a tacked-on apology during the ritual and a sentence about how she freed her own slaves (again, no mention of whether or not all slavery has ended), and even though she was turned human, it’s not framed as a great or permanent loss, and on top of that she also gets witch powers.

2. In The Forests of the Night I admit, this ranking is mostly based on nostalgia...but it’s still a very solid book to kick off the series, set the vibes, and introduce us to this world and what kind of series this will be. It’s not the best of the series in terms of writing quality, plot, or scope, but of the original quartet, I think ITFOTN holds up the best. For a YA book of that era, especially one written by someone of its own target demographic, this felt very mature. It wasn’t trying to talk down to its audience and that meant a lot to me. It showed me that YA could be dramatic without being overwrought, serious without being an ��issues’ book. It tackled questions of identity, morality, faith, power, and freedom, all framed within a fast-paced revenge story. Most of all, Risika is such an interesting, complicated character and her journey was both relatable and entertaining. Of all the endings in this series, the ending of ITFOTN was the most satisfying for me in that the main character had to change and sacrifice, and in the end she got what she truly deserved even if it wasn’t entirely happy. My only complaint is that we don’t see more of Risika throughout the series, especially when there’s clearly more to her story.

1. All Just Glass The TDOS books are fine as standalones and it’s cool that each one makes it feel like whoever you’re reading about is just a small part of a bigger world, but All Just Glass shows how good it can be when we go deeper into a particular story and give it more time to develop. That said, I don’t think it would’ve been as good as it was if it was written right after Shattered Mirror. There’s a very clear improvement in writing quality and storytelling that can only come from 10 years of experience.

While it didn’t fix all the problems I had with SM (mainly, I would’ve preferred it if Sarah didn’t go back to the Ravenas in the end), AJG made a great choice in shifting to a different, more cohesive theme and illustrating it across a compelling ensemble cast. It cleverly plays on our expectations of the Vida line that were based on the limited scope of SM in order to show that contrary to what we’ve seen previously, this is actually an institution that’s in decline. The Vidas aren’t this great power ruling over the rest of the Macht witches- they’re actually these fundamentalist/extremist outliers who are on the fringes clinging to the ‘old ways’ while everyone else kind of does what they want and their decline is directly related to their obsessive adherence to tradition at all costs. What’s so great about this is that it’s not just a sequel, it’s a subversion of SM that also sets the tone of the new TDOS series in anticipation of the inevitable end.

General Notes

I loved reading these all back to back and watching ahar grow as a writer, watching the world unfold right before my eyes.

It was interesting to see the difference between the two series. I found most of the books in the new series to be generally more engaging because they’re based around a central mystery (What’s the connection between Erin and Shevaun? Who is Samantha? Who attacked SingleEarth? Who’s the shapeshifter?). I also liked that rather than shy away from mentioning technology and trying to pretend that it doesn’t exist or that we’re still in the early 2000s, ahar really leaned into it and in doing so, made the stories feel more realistic.

The original quartet was very aesthetically cohesive, it was a series of vignettes that purely aimed to explore a particular piece of the world. The new series, however, felt cohesive in that each of the books is building towards the end and showing a piece of the puzzle that sets the scene for PtK (PoM gives us more about the Tristes, ToD gives us the elementals, AJG and PT are about groups that are on the decline with their fates based on whether or not they choose to align with the rising power of SingleEarth).

On kind of a petty note, I wanted to mention how much I hate all the new covers (both for the new TDOS series and for the re-release of the original quartet) and I was really disappointed in how low-effort the marketing was for the new series. Even just reading the synopsis for PT and PtK was painful because they seemed slapped together at the last minute like no one cared. I think it was a real missed opportunity to draw in a new audience because they were coming out just as the YA boom, particularly in vampire fiction, was happening.

The biggest takeaway I got from this marathon is a huge respect and appreciation for this extensive world and cast of characters that ahar built (and then had the courage to entirely upend). I know mainstream attention isn’t everything, but I just really hope ahar gets their flowers because this is a great (and highly influential) body of work that’s so different and even ahead of its time.

Anyway, that’s my take on the series. I might make this re-read an annual thing because this was fun. Also, as I was reading, I made sure to note factual info about the world and the characters, so I’ll be making new additions/edits to the reference materials soon.

[aijee]

tw // mentions of rape

imo u shouldn’t stop updating bc of the accusations against mg. headlines were fucking misleading, i actually thought he raped someone at first bcos of the word choice. ure writing about his public persona, not him irl. we dk him either way so is not like ure violating something or breaking ur morals or whatever. op literally stated that mg never made any comments towards her or touched her in any way, he just made jokes that made her uncomfortable but never directed to her, she explicitly said that mg was not the cause for her to go to therapy & the bullying accusations have been proven to be fake. i-carats decided to translate the new SA accusations without being fluent in korean and that caused a huge misunderstanding, that’s why k- and j- carats have been calmer about it. u shouldn’t believe the screenshots of the other op either bcos there has also been a lot of inconsistencies of them, like the time stamp with the battery issue, etc. due to some mistranslations, all of us thought that the chest touching person was a girl when it’s a guy, inconsistencies like that make the this op more invalid cuz with changes happening constantly, the story becomes less believable, hope yk what i mean. fuck i-carats for mistranslating and blaming him for everything, and for making this issue more complicated than it has to be, like with the chest op. they’re even the cause some ppl don’t believe anything. sorry if i sound like an asshole but i’m mad. if he did make the comments, i believe he’s most likely changed. i used to make rape jokes but now i definitely know better. pretty sure he does as well, yk how the treats ppl now, how gentle and kind he is now, etc. however, if he did touch the guy, obviously i will not support him anymore. i’m not trying to defend him but i’m clearing some things up. hope ure neutral abt this. have a good day & really hope u don’t stop updating.

Thank you for your honesty and raw feelings, anon. It’s okay to be mad and have feelings, especially when those feelings aren’t exactly good feelings. Unrelated to the actual Situation(tm), my therapist told me something like, “Try thinking of feelings as just feelings. They come and go. They aren’t necessarily reflective of you as a person.” I thought that my bad feelings or opinions of others prevented me from being good or a functioning person. Fact: people are multifaceted as hell and that’s valid.

Re: morals, that’s fair insight for sure. I think my hesitation comes with the inherent visualization and association of that persona with the person himself, if that makes sense. E.g. when I’m reading RPF, I still visualize the faces of the individuals involved like actors in my mind. In that sense, perhaps it’s a personal discomfort mixing with morals with regard to writing RPF with a certain name and face in mind, who happen to be attached to a persona/person attached to allegations that may or may not be true. In short, it’s messy and vague and I’m still in the middle of figuring things out myself.

I have and always will be a proponent of professional, paid translations—as in, looking towards people who translate for a living. Professional translation is extremely serious work; imagine how important it is in medicine, law, business? There is always a doubtful voice in my head towards fan translations, regardless of the content. That’s not to undermine the hard work of people learning another language, engaging in content they enjoy, wanting to share it with people, etc. But in very serious cases that could possibly really, really hurt people, I will never fully trust translations I can’t pin to a reliable source. It’s easy to reflexively trust fan translations since they objectively control so much of international fans’ consumption of content. It’s also easy for international fans to fixate on wordings in translations when suddenly the faves are doing something questionable (Do we question fansubs on casual videos? Not really). In reality what we need to focus on is the ideas presented, because translations will never be 100% accurate, especially those done by fans.

If it gives you any perspective, an interesting problem for POC’s healthcare experience is that bilingual kids of monolingual parents are often pinned as the “translator.” Yes, they’re able to communicate in multiple languages, but the specificity of the information presented, and the importance of detail, can be lost in translation, even for those who grew up learning two languages natively. Why? Because they don’t learn the minutiae of translation. You’ll often see professional translators constantly using references, relearning things over and over again, etc. Normal multilingual people focus on getting messages across, not those tiny, tiny details. Food for thought.

How people approach, perceive and interact with people attached to abuse is a very messy thing. There is very rarely a “right” answer. I fully support your approach with whatever happens, whether it stays the same or evolves. For my two cents, I think it’s important to remember that the most important relationship in this moment remains that of Mingyu with the potential victim(s) involved; we hold our relationships with our faves so sacred, but I’m just putting that out there for some more perspective I personally think is important. And a third cent: there are people really close to me in my life who have, frankly, abused me. That’s partly why I’m seeing a therapist. But that doesn’t mean I fully reject them, or will never harbor good feelings towards them ever. Abusive behavior can still be exhibited by fundamentally good people, as paradoxical as that sounds. People are capable of growth; goodness and badness aren’t necessarily inherent and unchangeable. I fully respect and admire you for owning your emotions like that! That can be hard to do comfortably.

I’m not invalidating your response whatsoever! At least, that’s not my intention. I just wanted to present some things to think about. It’s also okay if your opinions don’t or do change. It’s still pretty early in the fiasco.

[alewyren]

tumblr is dead but I’m gonna post my thoughts on Inuyasha here too for archiving purposes. cw for (non-detailed) discussion of sexual assault and suicide wrt kikyo

OKAY. SO. MY THOUGHTS ON INUYASHA. warning for some INCREDIBLY hot takes.

it. sure was a journey. I am not sure if I liked the series overall or not. It had some legit good/touching moments, but it dragged SO LONG and there were a lot of things I thought could've been handled better. But it was fun liveblogging it for sure. And I got NarKik out of it, which snapped me out of my year-long creative dry spell, so it was at least a net positive time investment LMFAO.

I liked... mmmmost of the characters? sango, sesshoumaru, kagura, kanna, naraku, kohaku, K I K Y O, and even kagome were all Good. On the flipside, Inuyasha himself is FUCKING TERRIBLE and he sucks and I hate him. Emotional immaturity ain't cute, he gets everything handed to him on a silver platter, rarely apologizes for being a selfish prick, and the other characters are WAY too forgiving of his bullshit. I got tired of the tsundere het romance cliches between him and Kagome pretty fast, as well as how often he was jealous of her. Like, Kagome's insecurities over Kikyo I can legit understand (despite being #1 Kikyo Fucker). But whenever she's so much as civil with Kouga and Inuyasha's all HANDS OFF MY WOMAN I'm like... dude shut up you two-timing hypocrite. If You Like It Then You Should’ve Put A Ring On It. Credit where credit is due tho, they did chill out over time and some of their moments together towards the end of the series were legit sweet. I'm pretty meh on Inukag overall, and iffy on the resolution of her moving to his era permanently, but that last panel of him greeting her as she came out of the well gave me a Feel.

(Actually, on that note, it... would have been legit kind of hella if the series had ended with Inuyasha himself permanently moving to the modern era? Aside from their friends he had far fewer attachments in his world than she did hers, and there's so much more potential with him having to adapt to the modern era, lol. ALTERNATIVELY, kikyo lives and she switches places with kagome and makes a new life for herself in the modern era. thus letting her truly live as a normal girl. But I'll Get To Kikyo Later. smh)

The premise of the series is actually pretty strong, though of course you can poke holes in it. To my knowledge it was the first isekai anime that really took off, and the driving plot of collecting the Shikon fragments is excellent monster of the week material (though I'm not really a monster of the week fan myself). Also, youkai are awesome. Focusing the series on real-world mythology makes my Shin Megami Tensei heart very excited.

I know the series runs on emotion rather than logic, but I REALLY have some questions here. The fact that the well is explicitly stated to take Kagome back in time rather than to another world makes no sense at all. First of all, where are all the youkai in the present day? Inuyasha and Sesshoumaru are at least a couple hundred years old, right? What happened to them in that 500 year timespan? Surely some creature or another from the series would have naturally survived that long. So what happened? Was there a mass-youkai extinction somewhere along the line? Shouldn't this be cause for concern? Also, do Kagome's time-traveling actions create a stable time loop or a branching timeline? If Naraku won in the past, how would that affect the present? The two eras are just completely isolated from each other and I really don't get it. That kind of stuff. Yeah yeah I know MST3K mantra and all but MAN this bothers me.

Which brings me to Exhibit A of stuff I think should have gone differently: Kagome should have stayed the protagonist, and the modern era should have gotten more focus. Not as in her day-to-day school shenanigans, but stuff touching on the questions listed above. There's just a lot of untapped potential regarding How This Shit Works, rather than confining the story pretty much entirely to the Sengoku Jidai With Youkai. Also there could be plenty of shenanigans with characters OTHER than Kagome and Inuyasha hanging out in the present. LIKE KIKYO. okay yeah my kikyo bias is showing but it would be the perfect opportunity to 1. hide her from naraku (unless he found a way into the present, but that just ties into my previous point), 2. develop her friendship with Kagome. Which would have done both of them wonders. BUT I'LL GET TO KIKYO LATER. (I'm dying imagining Kagome introducing Kikyo to her schoolmates as her cousin and taking her shopping though..... teaching her how to ordinary human... like..... HHH.)

Anyway, Kagome as the protagonist. She was very much the protagonist at the start of the series--she took a more active role in a lot of the monster of the week conflicts, and just had a lot more focus and screentime in general. Then Inuyasha got his sword upgrades and her role in conflicts became reduced to sensing Shikon fragments and occasional use of arrows. It took until the last hundred chapters for her to get ANY sort of substantial power-up, and it felt... unearned? I had been looking forward to her developing her miko powers alongside Inuyasha's youkai powers, and getting bow upgrades to match his Tessaiga upgrades, but it just... didn't happen. Her miko powers having been sealed all along felt like an ass pull, and I wasn't really a fan of the test of character she had to go through in order to get the fancy bow upgrade being solely focused on overcoming her feelings of jealousy towards Kikyo... again... like it's valid for her to feel that way but we've been here already! Surely there's more to her character than this! I think it would've been awesome if she actually got some fights of her own too, and maybe Kaede and eventually Kikyo mentoring her growth as a miko? But as far as canon went, it just felt like she got shallower and less interesting over time as Inuyasha slowly took over the protagonist role and that was a damn shame. Let Kagome be the plucky isekai protagonist she was always meant to be! This, of course, ties in with my assertion that the modern era should have gotten more focus too.

okay, so. it's time. kikyo. Kikyo. I fucking LOVE kikyo, absolutely my fave chara, I was not expecting to love Kikyo this much lmao. All that ship war propaganda was a big fat lie. She has an ASTONISHINGLY mature narrative about the effect of tragedy and trauma on people and relationships, but it was SO under-utilized and shafted in favor of the Love Triangle and Inuyasha's Manpain and I'm FUCKING UPSET. Kikyo was (or at least had the makings to be) the best character in Inuyasha but she was not done justice at all, in this essay I

Like, sit down and think about it. Here we have a woman who lost her parents at a young age, taking on the responsibilities of her household, and training to be a miko on top of it--which in the world of Inuyasha is a very emotionally demanding position that requires her to basically devote her entire life to her duties, ESPECIALLY once she's entrusted with the Shikon Jewel. All while being required to live a life of asceticism and suppressing worldly desires. In short, she basically never had a chance to actually, like. Live. Keep in mind that she was a child/teenager throughout all this (she was 17/18 when she died). That's a LOT of pressure on someone that young.

At this point, she's understandably lonely and depressed, and then along comes Inuyasha. She falls in love with him, gets a taste of a life that would truly make her happy, and has it ripped away. Like, there's some really fucking dark subtext to the whole Onigumo plot. She shows kindness to a random stranger, who proceeds to make a deal with the devil to LITERALLY RAPE HER, and her life is ruined as a result. No, Kikyo wasn't literally raped in canon, because even though Onigumo wanted to rape her Naraku's intentions towards her were... more complicated if still incredibly fucked up, but good lord the subtext is THERE. And as a result of the ensuing incident, believing Inuyasha betrayed her, she straight up KILLS HERSELF. Yes, it was partly to protect the Shikon Jewel, but she did not want to come back to life. Let that sink in. Kikyo was driven to suicide by an incident incited by a man who took advantage of her kindness in order to rape her. (nostalgia critic voice) FAMILY PICTURE!

I'm not gonna pretend Kikyo was the only victim here, though. Inuyasha has pretty clear PTSD from the event too, even after learning Kikyo is innocent. But through his relationship with Kagome, he begins to heal and move on. Then Kikyo gets brought back as a clay zombie, fucks up his whole grieving process, kickstarts the love triangle, you know the story. Kikyo's perspective is actually really interesting to dig into though. She didn't want to be brought back. She's PISSED. Even when the dust settles and she learns that Inuyasha is innocent, the anger and trauma have changed her. She's got a good ol' dose of PTSD herself. She's colder, harsher, engages in risky/self-destructive behavior, and distances herself from her loved ones. Like, think about it. Was there any logical reason she had to separate from Inuyasha and his group to fight Naraku on her own? To keep them in the dark about why she surrendered the Shikon Jewel to Naraku? No. That's a character flaw on HER part. And all this puts real strain on her relationship with Inuyasha. They still love each other, but their mutual trauma has completely changed their dynamic. Their love is based on their past relationship rather than their present chemistry. They don't make each other happy anymore. Neither of them are at fault for that. That's REAL AS FUCK. That's what trauma DOES to people and relationships.

So, yes, I'm a hardcore Kikyo stan who supports InuKag over InuKik. We exist. InuKik does not work as a relationship in the present because they've both changed due to trauma and that's the GODDAMN POINT. It's not a story about true love, it's a story about moving on from first love. The problem is that Kikyo's character is largely confined to her role as a love rival to Kagome. Inuyasha's side of the InuKik narrative, of letting go of the past and healing, is resolved. Kikyo's is not. And boy, I was ABSOLUTELY FUCKING LIVID that the love triangle was resolved through Kikyo's death rather than Inuyasha just... fucking, PICKING KAGOME OVER KIKYO BEFOREHAND RATHER THAN HER NEEDING TO DIE. She can still die after that! I swear, I'm not just salty because my fave died. At least 70% of my favorite charas are dead. I literally don't care anymore. I'm mad that she was killed off in a way that reduced her to being Inuyasha's Woman rather than getting a chance to heal and grow apart from him, as he did from her. And this in turn cheapens the narrative around why InuKik doesn't work as a present relationship to begin with, because he never actually picks present love over past love! He just keeps committing emotional infidelity until Kikyo gets killed off to wrap things up in a neat little bow with no character growth on his part! This shit is why I hate Inuyasha (the character).

Kagome's kindness towards Kikyo also plays a part in why she softens up by the end, yes, but that kindness is entirely depicted as "I want to save her because she's important to Inuyasha and I love Inuyasha." Kagome's character growth in these moments hinges on her picking love over jealousy, NOT through actually bonding with Kikyo. On top of that, Kikyo saving Kohaku over defeating Naraku struck me as out of character (have to show she's not a bad person after all? which she isn't, but still). It definitely made her death feel even more pointless. How come Kohaku gets to live and not her!!! Seriously, the fact that Kohaku gets to live and Kikyo doesn't REALLY rubs me the wrong way. She barely even knew Kohaku! He was willing to die to defeat Naraku! NOT killing Kohaku to defeat Naraku almost cost MORE lives! It could've been a poignant resolution to her character arc, but there wasn't enough buildup for it to be a convincing decision for her to make.

And oh my god, there's SO much wasted potential here. Kikyo's resentment towards Kagome is super understandable, and it's never really explored. Kagome replaced her. Kagome is filling the role she should have filled. What's even left for her except her hatred of Naraku? She asserts that Inuyasha cannot forget her (her being lowkey possessive of him is *chef kiss* my wife is a bitch and I like her so much), and he doesn't, but she still straight up tries to kill Kagome lmao. Like I said they do reconcile, but it's kinda half-assed. Kikyo's feelings are never explored in-depth. She's never truly given a chance to heal and realize that she does have a place in the world beyond her decaying relationship with Inuyasha and hatred for Naraku. That her scarred, flawed existence is still just as fucking valid as Kohaku or Rin or Jaken being able to live after being brought back from the dead. Like lemme stress again that the girl experienced INTENSE trauma and COMMITTED SUICIDE. The notion that she's the only one who needs to die in order to restore the natural order, that her death is beautiful and tragic but necessary, is..... gross, tbh. :U

Like, she can still die, lmao. IMO it'd be legitimately more interesting if she lived, if she had an opportunity to carve a place for herself outside of Kagome like Kagome did Kikyo, but it IS possible for her to die without it making ME want to die. Just resolve the love triangle shit first, flesh out some of her relationships outside of Inuyasha himself (ESPECIALLY Kagome), show her healing and softening, and then she can die protecting everyone or some shit. That would've been fine. But No. She just gets killed off for the service of Inuyasha's character, so he can hook up with Kagome guilt-free, with NONE of this addressed. Because it's more palatable for a woman to be dead than broken up with, I guess? I Hate It Here, You Guys.

her (near) last words being "I've finally become an ordinary woman" rubbed me the wrong way too... it like, tried to wrap her character arc up in a neat little bow while ALSO entirely confining its resolution to being Inuyasha's Woman and discarding the narrative of trauma driving them apart. I love the narrative of the girl forced to be inhuman who just wants to be normal. This just felt like... a really cheap way to go about doing that, at the disservice of her character being about OLD love, for a forced (and false) sense of closure. Didn't like it. God fucking damn, typing it all out just made me even MORE pissed off.

tl;dr: kikyo had the makings of an amazing trauma survivor narrative but it got shafted. she deserved everything. thank you for coming to my TED talk.

SIGH. okay. there are other characters I wanna touch on too. Uhhh I actually thought Naraku was pretty cool, though he became way less interesting after Mt Hakurei (for the most part--he was cool again during the direct lead-up to Kikyo's death as well as the final battle). His identity crisis was pretty neat, as was the way he specifically targeted other people's emotions and relationships as a way to compensate for his own utter lack of a sense of self. Not to mention the cold, detached way he regards his own emotions ("my pp stands up whenever i look at kikyo, wish it wouldn't do that :/") and how this leads him to succumb to the influence of the Shikon Jewel, in contrast to Inuyasha and Kagome breaking the cycle. His lack of motivation is actually kind of the point, and I think it's neat as hell! Things got boring once The Baby entered the picture, and I got the sense Rumiko wasn't really sure what to do with Naraku for a while. His style of villainy got a lot more distant and "just as keikaku," when it was the way he got up in everyone's business and pushed their buttons for his own shallow amusement that made me like him in the first place. His fragments aside from Kagura and eventually Kanna were way less interesting, and I think it would've been neat to go more into his role as basically being an abusive dad, but it's fine. The Baby was a fucking boring and atrocious villain though, jfc. The /idea/ of Naraku's own heart rebelling against him was cool enough, but it means jack shit when The Baby is just a bland-ass villain who doesn't remotely represent the character traits that make up Naraku's "heart" in the first place, even aside from Kikyo.

Speaking of which, his fixation on Kikyo is a LOT of fun. Their interactions (which he was apparently secretly into), how he rejected his own humanity and destroyed both himself and the object of his desires, etc. Which is another reason he got less fun after Mt. Hakurei tbh. I fucking hate the way Kikyo's death was handled overall but I liked that he had to reclaim his human heart in order to overwhelm and kill her. That was neat. Something something toxic desire destroying both yourself and the person it's directed at. Then at the very end he realized that his entire existence was completely pointless and empty and his complicated feelings towards Kikyo were the only thing that ever made him actually, like, give a shit. Pour one out for this absolute dumbass. He's a relatable villain because I too would go to absolutely insane lengths to get over a girl I never even dated.

Uhh who else. Sango and Miroku. Sango was my favorite character in the main party. She's the most level-headed of the bunch, has a super cute design, and her story with Kohaku was responsible for a lot of the emotional moments in the series that really landed for me. Her friendship with Kagome was actually super cute and heartfelt. That scene early on where she broke down crying in Kagome's lap because she was scared of being alone again HURT. Also, Kirara is fucking precious. Miroku I've got mixed feelings about, since on the one hand he's a legitimately interesting character and some of his scenes with Sango did hit fairly hard, but DEAR GOD I hate the quirky pervert trope with a burning passion. If it were played seriously, I'd stan him to hell and back a la Adachi. But it isn't, so it's not. I've got mixed feelings about MirSan too. Their resolution was really sweet, but I was kinda like "wha" when Kagome said Sango had a thing for Miroku in the first place. Like, sure okay, but I think more time should've been spent showing her falling for him in the first place lol. Also the butt-grabbing joke got old fast. And when he proposed to her and basically refused to stop flirting with other women I facepalmed so hard. Can't have character growth when you have unfunny running gags! To his credit, he did chill out for the most part, but still kept making jokes about flirting/scoring that clearly made Sango unhappy and I'm like. Why. Then the bit with Hirai-Kotsu needing to be fixed. I liked their mutual resolve to protect each other, but I thought Sango's comment about how she couldn't live without him was..... a bit much. Like what about Kohaku??? But anyway I'm just glad Sango got a happy ending even if I'm still super *SQUINTS* at Miroku.

Sesshoumaru was pretty neat, I get why he's popular, though wasn't really My Type. Sure he's cool, but his /personality/ was a bit lacking and I think we should have gotten some more insight into his relationship with his father for how much focus his quest for the Best Sword got. His development was pretty good, but I've kind of got an issue with how Rin was more of a plot device than a character. Like, okay, one of the reasons I decided to start reading Inuyasha was because the announcement of Yashahime sparked a wave of Sessh/Rin discourse and I wanted to form my own take on it. And, yeah okay I don't like Sessh/Rin either and I say this as a certified Nasty, lmao. Less because it's problematic (though I find it kind of offputting myself, even aged-up) and more because it's bland. Rin has no character whatsoever outside of being a vehicle for his development and I'm REALLY not a fan of girls being objects for male charas' development. Still, I'm not gonna boycott Yashahime if Sessh/Rin is canon or anything. I prefer him with Kagura or even Kikyo but they're dead, so. If Rin has to be his cum dumpster to make this happen, then that's how it's gotta be.

Thats about it I think. I'd put it a rung or two above Naruto in terms of overall quality, but BOY am I still mad abt Kikyo. 6/10 probably wouldn't recommend, but it WAS fun.

[kylandara]

Hmmm I do get Daenerys is a complex character. How do you guys internalise this in your head

Sorry guys absolutely unethical to not even state where this is from. This Bryan Cogman writing about ep2 and his interview on that

——-

There’s something I keep wanting to remind people of: Sansa doesn’t watch Game of Thrones. Neither does Dany. They were not privy to the stories that we were. They only know what they know.

Sansa knows that of all the Starks that were ripped from Winterfell, she suffered the most to get it back. She’s the driving force for getting it back. Now she’s being told, “It’s not yours, and it’s not the Starks’ anymore. It belongs to Hitler’s daughter, the worst person in the world’s daughter, the daughter of the person who murdered your grandfather and uncle in the worst way possible. And guess what? Your brother, who you convinced to step up when he wanted to fuck off because of his death experience, bent the knee to her and is telling you that she’s your queen.” What part of Sansa’s reaction to any of this is irrational.

At the same time, if you’re Dany, this is the family that stole your family’s legacy. You grew up as a child living in constant fear that you were going to be murdered the next day. Then you’re married off to a warlord, and you’ve scraped and suffered and endured, and here you are. You’re going to help these people who destroyed your life and your family’s lives. Where’s the gratitude?

———

He has a point that both Daenerys and Sansa dont have the viewers knowledge of the other person’s story.

Just a few notes I would like to discuss with other Sansa fans.: do you think Daenerys’ pain should be sympathised with even if we agree she was a terrible ruler and she had not other ending then being dead.

At face level I get where Daenerys came from. She had been brainwashed (even by herself) to the point she doesn’t believe much on the wrongs her father/family had committed - that is a weakness in her part.

but if anything if Aerys died and if the Targ children became wards of Ned (I seriously don’t see anyone else wanting them so Ned would step up because he is Ned) she would have had a normalish life and the hatred for the Starks might have been tempered. I do think the Daenerys is also partially a victim of her circumstances.l but that doesn’t mean we should not hold her accountable. We can’t say just just because an abuser was abused as a child, they should get a free pass for the abuse they cause... not my point at all.

I do get Bryan’s analogy that to Daenerys while she was fearing for her life as a child, it was because of the Starks, regardless of whether they were right or not and here she is trying to help them survive even if she doesn’t want to and focus on her goals (doesn’t everyone do that at the end of the day other than saint Ned?), she is still here isn’t she. I do think she was a bit naive here as well. I think in a subconscious level her coming North was because she had just lost all her allies to the South and for once someone from the North the largest land mass of “her” kingdom and their king at that was by her side, so she let herself dream a little I guess that everything would be fine. After all her suffering she has endured even if half is her fault due to her poor decision making- she wanted that happy ending.

But at the forefront of her mind is that she came to the North to help (you have to remember at this stage Jon has bent the knee and said she would eventually win them over - stupid Jon)), and to her she lost a dragon to save Jon (even if it was partially her fault jon went beyond the wall as she needed something for Cersei to back off) but regardless the loss of her dragon doesn’t dull the pain (they were her children) - the pain triumphs over logic) and the North are just not that into her.

On a side note as Bryan says, Daenerys also suffered, And yes she dealt everything with violence, but it doesn’t take away the fact that she was raped and defiled and chained. Not saying this justifies why we have to be a fan of Daenerys, but surely there must be some level of understanding that while she did become the villain, she still suffered as well.

Gosh I hope I made sense but wow, is that the biggest pile of confusion I have every written!

So if you were able to decipher my jumbled thoughts? Do you think Daenerys should be sympathised for the struggles that were really out of her hands like Drogo and being chained without supporting her Queenship over Westeros?

[curlyjoe7]

Forming Your Own Opinions.

First off - major trigger warning for rape, manipulation and abuse. Second off - this is an adult conversation, between adults and only adults. I don’t want any arguments just informed debate. If you don’t know the situation then don’t speak. If you don’t like my opinion, agree to disagree, unfollow or block and move on. Everyone has the right to express their thoughts, all arguing will result in being blocked. Third off - I know this is old and no one wants to hear about it anymore but I just formed an opinion on it which I want to talk about. Sorry if hearing about it bothers you.

For the longest time and still even so now I have had the mentality: go with the popular opinion or just be quiet and you will be liked. Which is very toxic. I am obsessed with being liked, being plastic and letting others control my thoughts. I’m trying to get away from that though and this is my first step. Stating a controversial opinion. A big one. Very big. It’s hard for me, the whole thing has thrown me into a few severe anxiety attacks but I have to do this to get better or I never will. I’m super nervous and I’m ready to be hated or as ready as I possibly can be whilst simultaneously freaking out. So what’s my opinion? That Melanie Martinez is innocent. Just hear me out. Here’s why I think she’s innocent:

I was a big Melanie fan at the time of the rape accusations. At first when I heard it I thought “wow this is terrible, she’s a rapist” and cancelled her. It was really hard but I knew it was the best thing to do. After all it’s better to side with a potential victim than a potential rapist, right? I also knew nothing about the backstory so I had nothing to work off of but the word of someone I didn’t know existed and the statement “she never said no to what we chose to do together.” I as many thought that was a dumb excuse, just because someone doesn’t say no doesn’t mean it means yes. But like I said, I had no backstory so I moved on and unfanned Melanie, as hard as it was for me. Randomly I thought of it again, in the past week, and wondered if there was anything else about it. Looked it up and well... there’s a ton. I want to make a disclaimer that when looking at all the evidence, I took into consideration both sides. I was completely unbiased in this despite my past love of Melanie. Rape is a serious issue and should be treated like that not just excused because you like the person who is accused of it. Though with what I was learning, Timothy’s story seemed fishy with some holes. So I did more digging. First let’s get the story clear of what supposedly happened:

And that’s it basically. That’s the story, coming straight from her Twitter. Pretty horrifying, manipulating and wrong. Makes you feel bad for Timothy. But it doesn’t end there. After she released that statement Melanie released her own:

Many people thought it was her admitting to it and claiming it wasn’t rape because she let it happen. Which had us thinking she was guilty as sin. Until Timothy started releasing more information. Apparently that same day they went to a thrift shop and picked up a game that included a blindfold, handcuffs, and a dice that said things like “lick leg.” Which she never mentioned at all before. Originally Timothy said that Melanie bought it but then later said she herself did. Which is odd since she stated she has been abused before and sexual stuff made her uncomfortable. But whatever she said she thought it would be funny. Now here’s where it gets weird, she never mentioned the game before, right?Maybe she forgot? Sure that’s reasonable. They played the game on June 25th 2015 according to Timothy in an interview:

At Melanie’s house. Melanie’s house is in LA. This is important because with further information, she was in New York performing on stage that day. She even made an Instagram post about it:

And fans have pictures of her on stage. You notice how her hair is blonde and black in this pic? Well to support her cause Timothy posted a picture of Melanie the night it happened:

Her hair is a different color. And on her phone it shows up as May 6th, 2015. She claims it’s because her iCloud is messed up and that pictures of her recently showed up at being in 2011:

I went to Melanie’s Instagram to see her hair color May 6th, 2015 and just look:

On May 2nd her hair was that color in the picture. It’s actually really easy to change dates on your iCloud too. That’s... odd. But there’s even more, I believe she said they stopped being freinds after that but I know she said they stopped being friends in 2016, yet in 2017 she said this:

Okay. Change it once, maybe you forgot but if she changed it twice and still got it wrong? Suspicious. She actually has changed a lot of the story, multiple times. She said originally she didn’t want to go to the cops because she was afraid they wouldn’t believe her then said on her Instagram Live that yeah it’s bad but not murder so she doesn’t deserve to go to jail. So which is true? I mean it doesn’t matter her reason, it’s her decision but why is the reason changing? In Timothy’s original statement she mentioned some of Melanie’s fans became her fans but their loyalty never strayed from Melanie. That’s... irrelevant. But is it actually? Melanie was supposed to release a new album one month later. Which didn’t end up happening and when you went to Timothy’s Twitter at the time she had a pinned tweet for her song. Kinda weird but okay, it was probably there before. But why mention the loyalty of her fans never straying from her? Like I said, it’s irrelevant to the topic but not to her potential motives. They started their careers at the same time and Melanie was more popular too. And apparently started focusing on her music more than her friends so both of these might be the reason why. Seems reasonable. Now of course I wanted to check the stuff on Melanie’s side too but all I found was the original statement and this one:

Which in my opinion does clear up the “she never said no” thing. I think what she was trying to say is, Timothy didn’t say no multiple times like she said she did and that Melanie would never have sex with someone without their complete confirmation. Maybe even she meant she didn’t say no to the game they played. Though it could mean: “She never said no, I didn’t act on when she did say no but pressured her to give in.” And what Melanie says in this statement: “I trusted so many people in my life who took advantage of that trust for their own personal gain” supports the fact Timothy did it for fame. She also mentioned that in her song she released on Spotify called Piggyback that goes:

Trusted too many people while I was still young

Gave them the benefit of the doubt, I was so wrong

I cut them off and they came for blood cause they know

They ain’t getting no more

I’m so done playing piggyback

Swear to god I wished y’all all the best

You’re lying your way to try to gain a piece of me

When you could never come close cause I know my destiny

I worked hard for my shit

Put my love in this shit

Now you’re trying to kill my name for some fame

What is this?

Tried to help you do your shit

Encouraged you to work on it

Was a good friend and you used that to your advantage

Timothy did mention when Melanie blew up that she didn’t have time anymore for her and that she wanted to focus on her fans and music. So it does make sense that she did this for attention, to hurt Melanie. Even so the way Melanie worded her statement originally, doesn’t help her cause. Just made her look worse. The second statement however does clear it up in my opinion. With all the evidence and what Melanie said, it’s 1 point she’s guilty to multiple that she’s innocent. Even if you don’t like her you can’t deny that. There may be more points towards her being guilty as well, I’m not sure but this is all I could find, though there is just too many points towards her being innocent. In reality though none of this is fact, it’s just evidence and even evidence can be fake or twisted sometimes. Here’s a few more things about Timothy though and this story:

She says she doesn’t want to talk about it anymore but yet is willing to keep bringing it up. She dressed up as Melanie in 2016, a year after the rape, why would you put yourself through so much pain and do that? Idk just seems like it would hurt you more but she did love her so maybe that’s why: she was trying to deny the truth because of how much she loved her. She also suffers from BPD (Boarderline Personality Disorder) which I hate to bring up, just because she has a mental illness doesn’t mean she would do something fucked up. Just because anyone has a mental illness doesn’t mean it’s the reason for everything. Mental illness doesn’t equal bad morals but it can lead you to do bad things. Trust me I know, I have depression, anxiety and OCD. My OCD causes me to try to avoid particular things which I don’t always do in a nice way. I hurt people because I don’t want to deal with something related to it. This could be the same situation. The symptoms of BPD do explain why she would do this to hurt Melanie. For example some of the symptoms for BPD are pervasive instability in moods, distaste of one’s self image, insecurity and problems with interpersonal relationships. It seems logical with that info why she would do it if she is lying. Not to mention Timothy has claimed abuse on past bandmates of her old band Dresses where she only stayed cause they needed her voice. She has the history to make claims, I have no idea if it’s true though. She also allegedly molested a 16 year old girl. Also unsure if that’s true but if she did that she might have based the story on what she did since the story is quite similar. Regardless, here’s my complete opinion on the matter:

Timothy made it up for attention because she was jealous Melanie was focusing on her music not her and that she wasn’t as popular, probably a lot being because of her BPD. She knew a story like this would get attention and people would believe with the rising amount of sexual assault victims coming forward. So she posted it and then remembered she knew she had that picture of the game so she started basing it around that, picking a random date and saying it happened at Melanie’s house cause they are in her house in the pic, not knowing what Melanie actually did that day. However though she forgot the picture was dated and tried to blow it off as her iCloud being messed up which she supported by changing the date on recent pictures to awhile ago. And also she can’t remember parts of her story so she makes up new stuff and changes stuff a lot. Then she goes on to social media shading her and posting things about how hard it is to get empathy. Stuff like the picture on her IG story which is her crying (it just looks like she put in eyedrops to me) I would post but I hit the picture limit. She even contacted her friends to get in on it to make it look legit. She hasn’t gone to the cops because she knows they will find it bs and she’ll be revealed as lying. Most juries which are meant to be unbiased would side with Melanie because of the evidence so if it is false that explains why she hasn’t gone to the cops. And if it is real, honey if you don’t remember a part just say you don’t remember, it’s not helping your cause.

But that’s just my opinion, everyone has their own. There is probably even more to this that I don’t know but I shared everything I do. Though regardless let’s remember no side has concrete proof. To me everyone is innocent until proven guilty. You can’t really call her a good or a bad person and say it’s fact because you don’t know the truth. You can however support her by forming an opinion based on your own view of the situation. That doesn’t make you a bad person or someone who is defending rape. And to everyone who believes it: don’t get on the people who think it’s bullshit. You can’t deny there is a lot of holes in the story. And it doesn’t make you look better or woke nor is it siding with a potential rapist, it’s siding with evidence and your opinion. Evidence is better to side with than a potential victim just because they are a potential victim. Some people make stuff up. Even horrible things like that. Also don’t side with Melanie just because you like her, actually do some research and use your brain not your heart. It makes you a horrible person to just support her because “she’s my idol and a true fan would support her even if she’s a rapist!!!” That’s so fucked up. It truly makes me sick to hear delusional stans saying that. People like you are making the situation worse and contributing to rape culture. Delusional stans are also saying if you didn’t believe Melanie from the beginning on this situation you’re not a real fan. Which is not true at all. We are real fans, we just wanted to not instantly believe she didn’t do it because we like her. We wanted to figure out how we see the situation by looking at the evidence before jumping to conclusions. That makes us logical. On a similar note us questioning the situation and trying to find more information on it to form an opinion is also being logical. Not invalidating a potential rape victim. But rather doing the right thing and giving both parties the right to a fair trial. And if any of you are going to say: “why hasn’t Melanie done more about it then?” Would you want to talk about something like this? Something that damaged your career immensely? No, you wouldn’t. If it’s real, I’m sorry Timothy that this happened to you and Melanie deserves consequences. But if it is false, I’m sorry you have to deal with this Melanie and Timothy deserves consequences. Form your own opinion and please be respectful. I’m going to go back to supporting Melanie because I genuinely believe that she didn’t do it. That’s my decision, make your own. And don’t get on Melanie or Timothy, no cyber bullying them. Like I said you don’t know the truth nor do I, only they do. Even if you did being mean gets you nowhere. Now let’s just let this go and move forward from it.

[imnotobsessedwithtv]

I watched 13RW season 3 and I need to vent

THIS CONTAINS SPOILERS DON’T READ ANY FURTHER

Last night, I finished the season after a binging session of a few days, like I have with the first two seasons. I honestly didn’t see the point of a second season, though I did quite enjoy it. They showed us the 13 reasons and the 13 tapes. We knew why Hannah commited suicide so it seemed redundant to keep on telling the story. But some pieces fell into place and I really liked that closure we had at the end.

The third season, though. As much as I wanted to like it, I wasn’t into it at all. What was there left to say and talk about? It seems like they killed off Bruce to have a storyline.

First off, let’s talk about Ani. I didn’t dislike her at first. Ani was a witty character that I was rooting for. But then she slept with Bryce.

Don’t get me wrong. If I understand it correctly, the writers wanted us to see a different side of Bryce. In the interviews after the finale, they talked about how he shouldn’t be portrayed as a “monster” because that gives it the connotation that he’s (or any rapist for that matter) bigger than us. I understand that. But I still can’t help but to look at Ani and think: “what the hell!?” Ani, come on, he’s not even that hot. Do you really want to be the girl who had sex with the boy who raped your (best) friend? I didn’t understand her and her intentions at all, and that makes me sad.

I would also like to draw the attention to Alex and Jess. What they did (or didn’t do) was inexcusable. I’m sure a lot of people might find it satisfying. She watched her rapist drown. But it honestly makes me a little sick.

And it sure is hypocritcal to then try to stop the protests at his funeral. Girl, you made sure there was a funeral to begin with. I don’t know if she would’ve been able to save him in the circumstances. The cold water. His broken bones. And not to mention he was probably pretty heavy to carry. It would’ve been really weird if she were to literally save her rapist from death, sure. But I am personally not a believer in fighting fire with fire.

I haven’t gone through what Jess had gone through, or any other sexual assault victim. And I am SO grateful for that, but that also means that I cannot know what goes on in the head of someone who did go through that. All I know is that I found it quite cruel and disturbing. And they both didn’t really have any problem lying about it, even after Clay was getting closer and closer to getting arrested.

At Monet’s, they talk about how they want things to go back to normal again but I’m a little confused as to what wasn’t normal anymore. I mean, at least, before the death of Bryce. It’s a cliché way to end a season, first and foremost. But secondly, I couldn’t help to think to myself: “I’m sorry but, you all are the cause of the drama you have.” That’s quite insensitive, yeah. But they’re all liars. And they’re all secretive. Even Tony, whom I really love (his EYES OMG). What are you talking about Tony? You’re best friends with Clay but you don’t tell him your whole damn family is deported? OH SURE

Even Ms. Walker is sketchy. Going around town, stirring the pot talking to different kids, always revealing half the truth.

That all being said -

I did like the fact that they FINALLY put light on a jock who is also gay. I’ve always found it pretty hard to believe there are barely ANY out gay/bi/...men who are profesional athletes in team sports. So thanks 13RW for finally putting it out there: it’s possible. THOUGH I mean, the execution of it.... ugh. Don’t get me wrong, Monty was horrible. Last season was HORRIBLE and Monty didn’t show an inch of regret. But they made Monty a scapegoat and I don’t really understand why they were able to pin the murder on him in the first place. They seemed to have way more evidence for Clay’s case than for his.

Cops all of the sudden believe a teenage girl’s testimony? That’s a first. It just seems like they thought: “ha, that’s convenient, dude’s already dead. No trial, no paperwork”.

ALSO not to mention that they could’ve gone so much further with his storyline. If you’re going to let a serial rapist evolve, you might as well let him evolve, too. But nah, he got wrongfully accused of a murder he didn’t commit right after he died. Speaking of, it’s freaking lucky that he did die. And that Ani knew about it, too.

I also have really mixed feelings about Tyler. Perhaps it’s an American thing. Like preventing an almost mass murder at a school is a good thing. I mean, it IS a good thing. But I’d still be frightened of him af. Americans might be a little too accustumed to school shootings. Me, though, I’m constantly thinking: “how was he able to almost shoot up a school in the first place?” I can’t say for sure, of course, but I think no one has ever really come close to almost doing that in my country. (then again, things that almost happened, you don’t hear about).  

I understand the pain and the hurt Tyler went through and what made him think the way he did. I like the fact he got better and got the courage to stand up and I love the fact that the people who helped him were actually his friends at the end. So good for him. But he’s still the guy who almost shot up a school and that scares me shitless.

And lastly, besides all that, I found the season a little too boring for my taste. The episodes were hard to get through. And I didn’t really get the point of trying to put the focus on Bryce after season 2. I’m sure we needed to know, in some capacity what happened to him, considering he didn’t go to jail. But this season was literally about him. The tagline said “Who killed Bryce?”. Um, I don’t care. He’s dead and it might not be so bad that he is.  All though, it was an interesting point of view. Especially of his mother. No one wants to be the mother of a rapist. Yet, you can’t help but to love your son. And that’s captivating. Or I mean, it could be. In reality, it wasn’t really. Not because of Brenda Strong, though. She’ll always be my ghost queen in Desperate Housewives.

In short, I understand why a show like 13RW is important. It really does deal with issues teens go through these days. And it’s tough. But now, more than ever, I really do wonder why the heck they didn’t quit after one season.

I mean, I’m still gonna watch season 4. I’m not sorry.