#and was getting stressed about cleaning and stuff
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do you know any bl about secretaries. not office workers or salary men, straight up male secretaries. it was only after arriving at page 17 of a mangago recommend list and seeing the words "wife chasing crematorium" that i thought of you fondly and thought to ask lol

I’m honored to be remembered in such a way… I feel like most of the stuff I’ve seen with secretary in the title is based on that one that got popular so they’re all Hashtag Confinement (no office work 😒). the subgenre I see that dynamic in more often are the idol or actor/manager stories and 1) they usually focus more on the idol more than the manager, 2) the the idol/actor is usually more beleaguered, 3) they don’t really go into scheduling, just a quick ‘you have to do xyz’… some author/editor stories have it too tho it can show up more like managing the house and cleaning up. anyway I’m not sure any of this will hit but here are some possible bls to check out:
‘my unfriendly manager’ by nana nanato - model/manager, the model’s the mc and he’s kinda given up but the manager is pretty strict and serious and Intent on getting the model into acting. somewhat beleaguered very competent not pathetic.
‘the kyogoku family wedding’ & other volumes in the series by keiko kinoshita - stuffy secretary/flashy guy, also focuses more on the interpersonal drama than the secretarial duties. secretary works for his politician dad but his dad had a secret kid and the secretary fakes a relationship with an old classmate to cover it up. very beleaguered pretty competent (offscreen?) not pathetic.
‘the charm offensive’ by alison cochrun - this is a novel but I think it actually hits the vibes more accurately. producer/reality tv contestant, the producer is managing A LOT with the show and the writing actually goes into the logistics, like he’s running around and coaching the main character and organizing the other contestants and putting out fires. he’s also Really Into the dating show he produces and Really Believes in true love from a dating show, so he’s a little pathetic (<3). he’s more peppy tho. slight beleaguered very competent very pathetic.
I also was in the middle of reading ‘for a horse and horseman’ before I got distracted and floated off somewhere, horseman as in a guy who can wrangle horses. horseman/prince, horseman is competent in only one area and isn’t involved in prince’s logistical machinations, but he is really pathetic.
actually, I think ‘If You Don’t Become the Main Character, You’ll Die’ fits the specs somewhat since the mc has a ton of plans he’s maneuvering and he gets stressed out about them sometimes. not suuuuper pathetic (tho some arguments can be made)
ok that’s all I can wrack my brain for (for now)
#I feel like reincarnated idol and otaku knight is a little further out…#barely any management more about reincarnation. not beleaguered but the manager stans the idol#and there’s a little bit of pathetic-ness in that… in a different way…#ask#anonymous
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And You Are?... Part 3 (Bucky Barnes x Reader)
Summary: How many flashbacks is it going to take for Bucky to remember you?
WC ~2800
warnings: mentions of blood and minor injury
a.n: hopefully you all are still enjoying this series! I had plans to end it on part 3, but this idea struck me so my first idea has been pushed back to the next part
share and enjoy!!
It's been a week since Bucky remembered Alpine. A week of bringing Bucky items or smells to attempt to jog his memory. Nothing has changed since the day he could recall meeting Alpine for the first time. The stress of having the love of your life not remember you has lessened only by a millimeter. The fact that he remembered Alpine was a beacon of hope at the end of the very dark tunnel. Bucky was being cleared from the medical bay apartment today. He stuttered and sweated through asking you if you had room for him, quickly back tracking and saying Steve had offered him a room if he didn’t have a place at yours.
Your heart broke once again at the lost look on your lover’s face. Of course he had a place with you. It was his home too, even if he doesn’t remember. You stopped him before he could send himself into an anxiety attack over the housing arrangement, declaring that you will clear out the spare bedroom of the cobwebs before his arrival- “But, if I see any actual spiders, you’ll have to deal with them yourself” you joked, lightening the mood and coaxing a laugh out of him.
Over the next few days, you busied yourself with cleaning up the guest bedroom, vacuuming and opening up windows to let the stale air out. It’s never been used, all guests you both cared about lived either on campus or just outside it. Bucky had plans to turn it into an office space for your work and a cat room for Alpine but you were now grateful those plans were pushed back. You organized most of Bucky’s wardrobe into the new room, selfishly keeping some of his belongings in your room. It felt too final to move all of his stuff out even though he would only be two doors down. Alpine didn’t like you taking away her Dad’s stuff. She grumply followed you to and from your bedroom, winding between your legs and meowing loudly, trying to get you to stop. You tried to console her with extra loving and treats but it only did so much.
Today, Bucky would be coming back so you were out grocery shopping, picking up his favorite snacks and something for dinner. You stopped at the cat food aisle, wondering what you could Alpine for a special treat when a cat tree for sale caught your eye. It was a magical tree filled with pinks and purples with plenty of cubbies and perches for a cat. The top perch looked like a cloud. Alpine would look like the princess she knew she was. You lifted the heavy box into your cart, hoping if you put it in Bucky’s room, she would stop being angry at you.
When you arrived home, you found the front door unlocked, sending instant anxiety through you. You knew the campus was off limits to anyone unauthorized and the security measures were too good to be overthrown, but you also knew anything could happen. You gently nudged the door open with your foot, silently cursing the grocery bags for swinging against the doorframe. You paused, body tense as you listened for any noise. Soft mumbles came from the living room. You held your breath to listen closer.
“I missed you, pretty Alpine. What have you been up to?” You heard a deep voice coo. At Alpine’s answering meow, you let the tension out of your body. She didn’t respond to just anyone. You crept around the corner to peer into the living room and you found Bucky sitting on the edge of the couch with Alpine winding around his legs- a sight you were used to seeing everyday before the accident. You would come home after work, usually to the smell of dinner to see your best guy and girl curled up watching something on TV. God, you missed that.
“Oh! Hi, didn’t hear you come in! Sorry, the doctor processed the paperwork earlier than expected…” he trailed off as he lifted himself from the couch. You shook off the thoughts of the past and gave him a huge smile. “Don’t apologize, it’s your home too.” His face flashed through a complicated mix of emotions as he wrung his hands together, not really knowing what to do. His eyes settled back on you, widening when he saw the mass of bags hanging off your arms. “Let me get those for you,” you looked at him confused before remembering the groceries. You shook your head, taking a step towards the kitchen. “I’ve got these, but do you mind getting the big box out of the hallway? It’s for Alpine.” You chuckled while saying it then turned to the kitchen, placing the bags on the empty counter.
You could Bucky talking to Alpine as he brought the box in. “What did Mama bring you, huh? It’s not your birthday, what did you do to get a gift?” He was cooing at her and joking with her. She was letting out happy chirps and meows as she followed him from the front door to the living room. She sniffed the box of all its odors, deeming the box safe by jumping on top of it and loafing. You missed his conversations with her. The apartment has been so quiet without him.
You watched over the half wall/ bar top that separated the kitchen from the living room as Bucky gently petted the cat then looked around, seeming lost. You rustled the bags as you got the groceries out, trying to seem like you were too busy to watch him. Your body was aching to reach out to him, guide him to the couch, and curl up under his arm, playfully arguing about what show to watch for the night.
“Make yourself at home, Buck. Turn on the TV, your recordings are still there,” you called out to him. His head jerked up to meet your smiling face. He nodded, mostly to himself as he sat down on the edge of the couch again. You began washing and cutting up some strawberries for snacking. Your focus was half on Bucky and half on the strawberries.
As you were prepping fruits and veggies for snacks and dinner, Bucky was able to relax. His enhanced hearing picked up on Alpine’s purrs and the sound of the knife you were using hitting the wooden chopping board now that he was paying attention. The sound felt so familiar to Bucky but the memories stayed locked behind the wall in his mind. Instead of allowing himself to become frustrated, he decided to listen to his therapist for once. She told him to bask in the familiarity of the moment rather than force a memory from it. Let the memory come to you, she had said. Bucky had rolled his eyes at her at the time, but now, sitting on your- his?- comfortable couch, listening to Alpine’s rhythmic purrs and you softly humming to yourself as you prepped food, he could understand how this could help.
From the kitchen, you saw Bucky lose tension in his shoulders as he silently leaned back against the couch cushions, his eyes closed and his head resting on the back of the couch. Your chest constricted at the sight. After missions, Bucky would sit right there. Just like that. Listening to everything, trying to take his mind off the missions. You wouldn’t bother him during these times, you knew just being in his presence was enough to ground him. You always let him come back to you. You smiled at the thought and grabbed another apple from the pile you were working on slicing, but instead of the apple, the knife slipped during your distraction and hit your finger instead, instantly drawing blood. “Shit! Ow, ow ow,” you said all the way to the kitchen sink. You hissed as the cool water hit the wound on your finger.
Bucky was instantly up and rushing over to you. “What happened? Are you okay?” He said in a panic, gently grabbed your wrist and brought your hand closer to his face, assessing the damage. While your finger was still freely bleeding, Bucky didn’t see the need for medical attention. “Come on,” he said, nudging you towards your-once- shared bedroom. He kept a paper towel wrapped around your hand, using it to guide you forwards. You had tears in your eyes watching him walk through the hall like he never left, but if anyone asked- they were from the burning pain in your finger.
Bucky pushed open your bedroom door, bee-lining for the bathroom door. He kept whispering how he was going to fix it and how everything was going to be okay. He was protective over a little cut on your finger and your heart couldn’t take it. He was always so careful with you. He lifted you up and set you on the counter when you reached the bathroom. He kneeled down and dug under the sink for the first aid kit he stocked himself. You’ve had to use it a time or two on him when he refused to let medical clean any smaller cuts, insisting the serum would clear it, but you always forced him to sit on the toilet while you gently brushed his hair out of his face and swiped cleaner around the cuts. Those nights usually ended in a lot of kisses and more.
“There is it,” Bucky mumbled to himself and stood up, first aid kit in hand. “Gimme,” he said, making a grabby hand motion towards you. You sniffled back your tears and managed a small laugh at the serious look in his eyes as he rummaged through the kit. You placed your bleeding hand in his and wiped your face with the other. The sight made him pause. “Does it hurt that bad? I can take you to medical.” You shook your head, sadly laughing to yourself. “We’ve just been in this situation before is all. Usually, it’s you I’m having to fix.” Bucky seemed to snap back to himself, realising he dragged you around the house like he remembered it. In a way, he did. He looked around the bathroom, very hazy memories floating around in his mind, not coming forward, just teasing him. It’s like they weren’t his memories. Like all his memories was a dream he had years ago that he was trying desperately to remember.
Your blood dripped down your hand into his own, the warmth reminding him why they were there in the first place. “Fuck, sorry, honey.” The pet name slipped out before he could stop it. You pretended the whimper you let out was from the antiseptic spray and not from his words. He worked in silence, offering reassurances and apologies when he would press too hard on your finger. The process of patching you up was over before you knew it. The warmth and hominess radiating off Bucky was taken away from you as he stepped back and let you jump down from the counter. You debated stabbing yourself again just to feel his hands on you again, but you knew you were being ridiculous. He let you guide you both back to the living room, not allowing himself the pleasure of finding his way around the house by himself.
When you got back to the living room, Bucky pointed you to the couch. “Sit. I’ll clean up the kitchen.” He gave you no room for arguments as he forced the TV remote into your good hand. “Find us something to watch,” he said with that same sweet boyish smile you fell in love with on his face. You tried to smile back, but it felt more like a grimace. You looked at the blank TV screen before he could say something else.
You watched out of the corner of your eye as Bucky moved around the kitchen, only pausing a couple of times to remember where something went. You tried to focus on the random movie playing in front of you because if you didn’t, you would cry again. Alpine eventually made her way to you, sniffed your bandaged hand and gave it a little lick. “Thank you, princess. That helped a lot,” you softly said. She gave you a head bump and jumped down, jogging to the kitchen. You followed her to where she found Bucky. Your eyes traced up his long legs, over his torso, and up to his face- your face burning when you catch him already looking at you with a small smile of his own. Alpine’s cranky meow broke the silence.
Bucky bent down and swiped her up into his arms, cooing at her and bouncing her like a baby. You laughed at the sight of the beefy super soldier rocking the fluffy white cat, a sight that would make you fall in love with him again and again. “Can you feed her for me?” You asked and he nodded, turning towards the cabinet with a little “A” sticker surrounded by paw print stickers on the bottom corner. Alpine wiggled out of his hands at the sound of the cabinet opening, running to her food mat. Bucky fixed her a can and set it down, leaving her with a pat on the head.
He hesitated as he came closer to where he left you on the couch. You patted the seat next to you. “Get comfy,” you said with a smile. He settled down, not quite relaxed, but not tense either. His hands rested in his lap though his heart was begging for him to reach out and bring you closer. You flipped through the channels on the TV until a familiar line came through the speakers. “You crying? There’s no crying in baseball!” The older, rough looking man said on the screen. Bucky watched as a smile bloomed across your face and a laugh bubble out of your chest. Suddenly, Bucky wasn’t in your living room and the sound from the TV was surrounding him.
*Flashback*
Bucky could feel the joy radiating off of you. Your happy side profile was lit up by the moving picture on the big screen like a beacon to him. He watched you more than he watched the movie. You begged him to go to the movies to see A League of Their Own even though you have it on digital streaming and in DVD form. Bucky didn’t have much interest in sports. He bought tickets to a Dodgers game before the war for Steve’s birthday but the poor kid got so sunburnt he couldn’t move afterwards. But Bucky couldn’t turn you down when you asked him oh so sweetly to take you to the movies after he took you out for dinner. Bucky didn’t know why the girl was crying in the dugout, but something made you laugh and that’s all that mattered to Bucky.
He tried to pay more attention to the movie as it came to a close, but he was too busy feeding you candy and popcorn so you didn’t have to lift a finger. He enjoyed watching you giggled every time he lifted a gummy to your lips more than he liked watching girls in skirts playing baseball (He wouldn’t mind seeing you in that uniform though).
As the movie ended and the lights came back on, Bucky watched you attempt to wipe the runny makeup from underneath your eye. The ending always made you emotional. Bucky took it upon himself to gently wipe your face clean with a napkin, kissing every inch of skin he cleared. It didn’t take much to turn you back into your happy self with all the kisses you received. You playfully smacked at his chest, urging him up and out of the movie theater seats as attendants started to come around to clean. He kept you pinned to his side all the way to the car, not that you wanted to go far.
Bucky opened the car door for you, but you didn’t get in. You stood outside the car, gazing up at him with all the love in the world, making flashback Bucky’s heart swoop. Bucky in the dream studied your face, loving how the blush from his gaze ran all the way to your chest. “I love you,” Bucky heard himself say, watching as your eyes turned into hearts. You awed and stood on your tippy toes to kiss him, the scent of your perfume clouding his senses and making him crazy. The kiss was short but passionate. You broke it off. “Take me home, Sargent,” you teased him as you ducked into the car with a snicker. Bucky stood at the opening of the car door in a daze before shaking himself out of it and closing it gently after making sure you were safely in the car. As dream Bucky turned away, the vision of the crowded theater parking lot faded.
*End of Flashback*
Suddenly, Bucky was back in your living room, the movie that triggered the memory this up on the screen. Bucky blinked at the screen, processing the memory. “I-I remember this movie. It’s your favorite, isn’t it,” he said, still not looking at you. He heard you gasp slightly, a small “it is” falling from your lips. Bucky took a deep breath, turning his head. You looked shocked, a mix of happiness and sadness in your eyes. “We went to the theater to see it. I remember how happy you were. How much I was.” Your eyes were glassy again. You sniffled and smiled sadly at him. “That was our third year anniversary, Bucky.”
#marissa writes#bucky barnes#bucky barnes fanfiction#bucky barnes x reader#james buchanan barnes#bucky barnes fluff#sebastian stan#bucky barnes angst#james buchanan barnes fanfiction#james buchanan barnes x reader
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How does Havik take care of himself? He has a neat haircut, his chin is always clean-shaven, but judging by the default skin, he goes unwashed (perhaps at the time of the plot he simply did not have the opportunity to maintain cleanliness, but his facial skin is smooth, even without stubble, and his hair clearly looks fresh)

I think you hit the nail in the head of him just simple didnt have the time to clean himself at the moment johnny and the others found him, as you know when the plot started to move.
He probably just got his part of the work done ( and i think it was a real hard work ) and inmediatly went to quan chi to finish the soulstealer , he looked very tired at that moment.
On a side note , i like how he doubts a lot here , like he knew he shouldnt trust quan chi and he wanted to keep that soul thing to himself but the desesperation to help his people was much stronger so he just went with it. Like looking at the pic below he just knew that he could keep whatever power was inside of it but he just needed the magic of quan chi , wich a believe at that moment havik just didnt knew about magic that much at the time.

Now on the subject of cleaness , he doesnt look dirty to me but beat up and stressed out.
I think he has gone through hell and his body shows it , he is not dirty but he does have bruises and of course scars and open wounds everywhere, but despite that; his skin looks soft , his face is clean and his hair looks healthy just with some white hairs here and there.
Even his armour looks well keep , the leather belts and shoulder pats look right new and his morning star symbol is clean and shiny .
The stuff that looks dirty are the bandages that keep together the outfit ,probably because he keeps fighting or going to dangerous missions , so of course he gets dirty but doesnt have the luxury of a palace or a house/temple to just go there and shower lol.
Maybe before the awakening of his powers/regeneration he used to keep his skin clean and his wounds desinfected by using herbs or others plants that helps keep any kind of dirtyness and bacteries away. Something that he picked up while being a slave/prisioner of saido regimen.
He also made use of a bath whenever he saw a river or lake and was alone to use. Appreciating any instance of use of water and using it to the max.
I think he also keeps his amour fairly clean with clean cloths whenever he got the time.
He is really proud of that armour , since it looks like something he made himself.
He strikes me as a man that knows how to use whatever resource ,natural or not, at his disposition and will use it to the max.
Now that his powers are awoken i think his cells regenerate every second now so he doesnt smell at all , he is able to recreate his clothes too so i think now only his regeneration powers are growing but my dude is able to full create innanimated stuff without really knowing why, so everytime he regenerates he full creates a new version of something and that is devoid of any smell whatsoever.
He mostly keep the old wounds and scars to remenber how evil people can be , how hurt he has been and to not to forget how much he desires to see everyone suffer and be 'free' , pain is the way of chaos after all.
Sorry i went so long , i just love to talk about him so much and the pic you choose is just ice on the cake 👌.
To finish i have a sweet hc of him .
He likes to take long baths in shujinko place despite not fitting in the bathtub lol

#my art#doodles#sketch#ask#mk1#mk1 havik#mortal kombat havik#havik#dairou#on titan havik i think is mostly the same#baths are something he enjoys#blood baths too lol
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sometimes i lose sight and forget love is the answer.
#im ill and in a cafe#feel like i can barely keep my eyes open#but needed to be out of the house to know whether i was ill or not#im grateful for the people around me#im grateful for my money#not feeling too grateful for my runny nose or droopy eyes but i still love and care for them because i love and care for myself#today has been difficult because ive felt upset and was holding on to it because something happened that triggered me#and was getting stressed about cleaning and stuff#just spiralling generally lol#but im happy im out of the house#it's a beautiful day#it turned from being sooo cloudy to being sunny so i might do a little walk just round some trees#because i love trees so much#i find them so incredible and beautiful!!!!!
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Just played the piano at my recital haha
Mom had to work so Dad was supposed to show to take the video for her
Dad never showed
My piano teacher took the video instead haha
Nobody there to support me
I understand Mom's, she needs the money for groceries
But Dad?
The person who's been playing video games at night instead of hanging out with us?
Yea, thanks Dad for the support.
I feel great
Thanks.
#vent#so pissed about this#im crying here#i cant even be happy when i axtually did well when usually im so anxious#lunatalks#sorry#im just so tired of this kind of stuff#like#i cleaned the whole house once for him because i got into a mood before work#and he only gives me flowers#i dont even like those types of flowers#like yea they were pretty#but i cleaned a whole house and you spent ten dollars on a bouquet that will live downstairs#a place that i dont visit often because i like my room#then he plays video games and shouts curses at the screen#but calls me childish when i get upset after dyong ten times in a row to demise and giving up#sobbing and shaking because of how high my stress levels are#or he'll get mad when I sit down instead of work because “everybody these days wants breaks and doesnt want to work”#even if ive just done something#but he takes hours of breaks playing an old video game on an old console#he got mad at me on vacation because i wasnt ready with everyone else#it was 8 in the morning#i wanted to sleep in cause im on vacation and dont need to wake at 6#but no#i need to be up#and i was even dress#just hadnt brushed my hair#and he told me to get ready so i said i would purposely go slower and not to rush me#but i got in trouble with mom for giving him sass#and her excuse? hes “hangry” yea great but he doesnt get to treat me like that just cause hes “hangry”
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peach (my cat) is having a full-day vet appointment to scan and possibly remove some teeth (the perks of only being allowed wet food)
completely unrelated, but anything regarding peach’s health or her being somewhere else or anything even mildly off with her routine or behaviour is probably by biggest anxiety and panic trigger
#not an exaggeration. peach stuff is more likely to give me panic attacks and entire breakdowns than anything else#like i have one other contender that’s a proper severe phobia. like panic attacks where i am completely convinced that i’m dying#but luckily that’s very situational whereas the peach anxiety is always there (because the situation of having her is always there)#i was gonna say the peach anxiety is also severely complicated by ocd but that’s probably more true for the other phobia i have so nevermind#but i will say. related to the ocd part. the fact that i am posting about this is a step forward for me#which i might talk about later once she’s home#hopefully they don’t need to extract any teeth and can just clean them#the last thing i need is for her to have trouble eating for a while#for context she had kidney stones a few years ago and basically each time she had about a 60% chance to survive#and there was NOTHING they could do other than just keeping her on fluids and hoping she passed them#(or $15k surgery to put in tubes to bypass her existing tubes. whatever tf the kidney tubes are called. which we couldn’t afford)#and whenever she had a new stone she would start by throwing up anything she ate or drank then stopping eating and drinking entirely#soooo i get stressed about stuff lmao 🙃🙃🙃🙃#anyway this is a good reason for me to be nocturnal so i can be asleep while she’s out rather than stressing#personal
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I only know my roomates girlfriend as ice girl on account that she will stand in front of our freezer to eat ice and not say anything to anyone other than her boyfriend. Literally i do not know her name but i see her multiple times a day and half of those times she is eating ice in front of the freezer. I always thought she didnt like me because she usually frowns but i think she just doesnt care about anything thats not directly impacting her life lmao.
#her boyfriend (my roomate) is like FINE i just wish he cleaned the kitchen up a little nicer and crushed down his rubbish#but he does fetch the binbags for us at least#i WILL find whichever roomate keeps not crushing down the rubbish i fucking swear#no ive actually gotten in a bad mood about them recently with the kitchen#like usually i say hi or whatever but recently ive just been like i cant even look at u rn levels of mad#over like. a couple pots and pans#i think its stress from other stuff but i am looking forwards to having a break from them soon#big clean this weekend ^_^#party tomorrow big clean final hand iny some small work and then i get to have my friends over ^_^
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interview went well i think (in spite of my anxiety) and next big patch details for wow today too wooo xiv has their pll this friday so i'm hoping that the good vibes keep on keepin on and i get a second interview soon too >:3
#one of the questions i asked she mentioned SQL and i went “eyy SQL” like a fool#she asked about some stuff i've never personally used but my mom has so i mentioned that i had worked with people who used it#and mentioned that i've sat in some agile classes and am doing some research on some of the things i would use for the job#it was comforting she mentioned that they would train me for things too so yay#the commute's longer than i would've preferred but atm what i can get is what i can get#i reached out for info about how much is still owed on the house to see if i'm anywhere near being able to pay it off too#the answer is maybe... i'd have to draw from mom's stocks but it wouldn't be the whole stock at least#one thing at a time no use stressing myself out too much right now#gonna just finish the deep clean of the front room and work on the patch a bit maybe or my backlog or some alt stuff#going to abilities expo this weekend too so i'm excited i love seeing the new tech they have coming out#and maybe i'll be lucky and i can talk to a pride rep and ask if they would buy back the extra scooters and stuff we got here#i still wanna keep one scooter one manual but i think the rest i can sell#idk about the custom wheelchair tho since that thing was specialty
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ooooooooooooih I feel like I'm being pulled sixty directions at once and it's mostly my own doing and it's impossible to prioritize and every time I have to make a decision I open this site or Instagram!!!!!!!!!!
#annoying medical stuff that should get dealt with but maybe isn't urgent? vs taxes vs working out vs#being so so sleepy vs violin vs god I haven't written in literal months :( vs knitting project with a deadline vs#fuck I haven't finished eating dinner and idk what I'll eat tomorrow vs trying to socialize vs oh yeah my job vs damn when did the bathroom#get so gross vs jacking off vs *deep breath*#actually. That might be everything. That doesn't seem like so much#oh I need to renew my phone plan. And finish reading the Iliad but that can wait I guess.#I have so little to stress about compared to many people I know but wow do I manage#I gotta get better organized about food and exercise specifically because those two things being messed up are what get me#and also naturally the way they interplay bc I have to eat before working out but not too close to it....#and then. There's just no planning for randomly feeling like shit bc my stomach hates me I guess#actually making this post has been really helpful. It's 9 pm. I'm going to go eat some more noodles and do some more pushups and then go to#bed without finishing cleaning the bathroom#I have a plan for tomorrow. Which involves NOT BEING ON SOCIAL MEDIA
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#I do this thing where I keep comparing myself and my life to other people my age who live like ‘normal lives’ where they live with just#their partner and work decent-ish paying jobs#and don’t live near family/have large family obligations#like I make slightly more than minimum wage#my health stuff had been getting worse#my fiancé is disabled/chronically ill and working her ass off so she doesn’t have excess energy#which leaves a lot of house work on me#which is fine and I don’t mind#and our household is me my fiancé my 23 yo sister and we’ve all lived together for like 3 years now and my sister makes a lot more money &#helps with house stuff#/maintenance#but my younger sister and her 9 month old moved in at the beginning of summer because her baby daddy is a scum bag#and she’s 20 and really mentally unwell#so a lot of baby care falls on me & my fiancé#along with trying to help my sister with her mental health#which is like not normal levels of unwell it’s like serious shit and she’s completely unmedicated and going through a real hard time and not#adjusting to motherhood well cause she was 19 and shouldn’t have had a baby#and like she knows that but what’s done is done#she can’t move back in with my parents because her relationship with them is too fucked#and like there’s also complicated stuff safety and bad ppl in her life so that’s a stress inducing factor#she’s unemployed and I’m not sure will ever be able to work and can’t drive#not her fault just the reality we live in#also we’re the ppl who live closest to my grandmother who’s health has been rapidly declining so a lot of that has fallen on my other sister#and me to manage#I also have to pet sit a lot because I need the money#and when I come home I have to spend all my time getting the house back in order#also I’m about to be losing a days worth of pay starting September cause the kids I nanny are doing two half days a week of prek#which means less money & with these grocery bills and two more mouths to feed is gonna fuck me in the ass#so like yeah I don’t have the time or energy for hobbies I spend all my damn free time trying to keep the house clean or taking care of#The baby & like it’s just the way it is but it’s not comprable to how all the ppl I knew in highschool r living rn
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Need to vent momentarily so uh…
Had a giant fight with my mom this morning about admiring Elon Musk or Donald Trump just because they’re “successful” which also evolved into her again critiquing her own children and how I pointed out that the shit she says about us can be hurtful, even when she insists she’s trying to be “encouraging.”
I won’t go into detail about it because my family issues are insane sometimes—but I wanted to add this context because maybe I still have some leftover frustration and rage from that, and I guess because I’ve experienced another weeks and weeks’ pile-up of sinophobia, and I’m also overwhelmed by how awful the world is right now with the continued genocide of Palestine but also the rise in normalization of right wing politics, but I saw something today that just added to the frustration because God I hate how people can’t see “the Other” in a less prejudiced light.
It’s not a big deal but saw some sinophobia today that with my poor mood didn’t help exactly:
Basically, there’s a short from a year ago about Chinese celebrities being snubbed at international events to the point that one of them (Liu Yifei) got cut off from a group photo and how another (Zhang Yuqi) got asked to get off the red carpet because they assumed she wasn’t a guest despite her being all dressed up.
The comments are all bullshit like “well they work for the CCP right? So they deserve to be ignored” or “why are you stirring up drama? Just because they’re famous in China doesn’t mean they’re famous internationally” or “haha a taste of China’s own medicine.”
Like oh my God, shut up.
These are international events. Why are you acting like snubbing an international guest isn’t worthy of critique? Just because you hate the country’s politics?? In that case, if you don’t even recognize the celebrity, how do you even know if they work for the oh-so-evil CCP???
It’s always “I don’t hate the Chinese; I just hate their government” until it comes to actual Chinese people because then your poor brain just assumes Chinese people are an extension of their government. You think these celebrities work for the government just by simply existing?? How? Do you think they pay their wages to the CCP or some shit???
Kpop fans mentioned for years that kpop celebrities were snubbed at international red carpets until recently. Why the hell don’t fans of Chinese celebrities get to point it out then?
#kuku vents#I know this isn’t that important#but sometimes it’s the minute things that get to you…you know?#there is bigger sinophobia stuff right now like how people think the recent 35 dead in China after a man drove a car into a crowd#is being covered up by the government#but that big sinophobia stuff is all stuff you expect#this littler instance of sinophobia is frustrating because it shows how normalized sinophobia is to the point it penetrates#these seemingly less important things#why should ‘people don’t deserve to be snubbed’ be a controversial take?? just because they’re Chinese???#also I am admittedly in a really poor mood#I think I fell into depression in October#and I finally kicked it a lot more than usual yesterday to do some cleaning and other productive stuff#but then I had the fight with my mom which made me feel like shit#we fought until the topic moved onto something less hurtful and explosive#but it genuinely made me explode for a while#and I haven’t exploded in some time because I try to avoid conflicts with my mom now and to keep her happy#but I’m the only one at home with her now so I have to put up with her attitude and temper#and I feel a lot of pressure overall from my family to ‘do well’ despite my interests being ‘less useful’#and my family still has other issues too that makes the pressure worse#I don’t even want to vent about my current personal issues anywhere (not with my friends or even my diary) because it’s that stressful#I genuinely don’t even want to think about it#I just kind of feel like I’m going insane
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Glad I’m starting therapy so soon after moving out ☝️ I am already feeling the helplessness and loneliness
#vent#<- slightly? not that strongly? this is a pretty chill post like. I feel pretty chill#but also :( sad#I miss my family and friends at home#I haven’t really talked to my roommates#including the one who’s been my friend since high school bc she’s been sick (?) for the past few days#and this semester is definitely going to be A Lot#I got accepted into another choir but I’m most likely not joining bc my schedule is so packed#but the main thing is#I FEEL LIKE A BABY#my parents never really made me cook or clean and I just feel kinda useless#I’m just gonna have to force myself to learn which is fine#and my parents have offered to walk me through stuff over the phone when they can#but idk I just feel really immature bc like. damn I am 20 and don’t know how to cook Anything#I’m gonna go grocery shopping either tonight or tomorrow and get some sandwich supplies and other non-cooking stuff#so we are not completely doomed lol#also I need to do laundry tomorrow.. which. I can do and have done before. but I’m still gonna call my mom for guidance 😅#idk I think the main thing that’s stressing me out is spending money on food vs. groceries#and trying to eat at least some protein and fruits/vegetables etc. while also not spending exorbitantly#bc I am SOOOO irrationally anxious about money. I hate hate hate spending money#so the whole idea of grocery shopping is just kind of filling me with dread 🥲#but I will do it bc I need to Adult at some point#I just. idk I guess most students do this and I’m being whiny about it bc I’m not used to it??#but it just feels like So Much to be taking five classes and doing a bunch of extracurriculars and living on my own for the first time!#like! ahhh! too much at once!#😰😰😰#and I need to get an internship soon 😀 and if I don’t get one this semester I need to at least get a job so I can stress less about money 😀#but I always stress about money regardless 😀😀😀😀😀😀😀 even though I have scholarships savings etc 😀😀 ocd things! 😁 (🥲)#thank god for my meds and the thought that I’ll be starting therapy in the next week or two#and also my mom for being like the sweetest wver
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this wip wednesday i bring you nothing. again
#taylor.txt#next week…? who knows#im almost done multiple very short fics but my brain feels stuck in a ditch lately#not exclusive to writing as it turns out. this weekend my goal is to do a big deep clean and hopefully that settles me#i think ive been carrying a lot of stress for most of this year because of my ongoing infestation and its starting to get to me lol#also the janitor of my building came in and sprayed pesticides again and he took out my kitchen drawers but didnt put them back. again#and moved my couch and put stuff on my counters on the table and yeah. thats not actually like allowed. per my lease#but its already such a fight just to get something done about it so. sigh#so yeah anyway the hope is that clean organized apartment = clean organized life = more brainpower for writing#will it happen that way? to be seen. but god i hope so because i feel crazy when i dont write for long periods#and with the roaches and everything i feel crazy anyway. also yes i’m planning to move but thats also a lot of brainpower i dont have rn lol
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qaughhhhxhdhbebrrh
#everything is bad rn.#just had to get out of car after road trip (i’m sitting in the back) which is always bad#bad*#there’s a huge sleeping bag that was next to me which had the worst fucking texture ever#and my mum was constantly brushing against i with her clothes which also have a bad texture and together they made the worst fucking sound#there’s a kid in front of me who has been annoying me all day#and she always drags her fingers along the roof of the car and the seats and the sleeping bag and i can’t stand it#anyway just as i was about to go out#i dropped my phone and o couldn’t get it out again it was stuck in the trunk of the car#so i had to get out without my phone which is fine i don’t need to use my phone all the time but i like to hold it#it makes me feel more comfortable holding like. idk that shape and weight and stuff IDK it’s weird#but yeah i had to wait until the bags all got unloaded to get my phone back but before i got it back i went to the bathroom#which i couldn’t find so my dad asked the staff of the hotel where one was but he called me his mf daughter#😁👍#then i went to the bathroom#cried#my mum came into the bathroom and i hate it when she does this and i knew she was going to and she did#she called out my deadname in the public bathroom and told#me she had my phone#and i was so fucking stressed o did not want to talk i still do not want to talk#so i was just like ok#and she was like Ok???? like i had killed her fucking parents or something#so i had to be like thank you while i was having a meltdown#cleaned myself up and now i’m in the room and it’s hot and i don’t like it but whatever#shut up mars#:(
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how do you ask your roommate to leave surfaces generally in a clean and working order. not even talking about clutter but like oil and grime and shit
#he is my age. at the throats of parents who dont teach their male children to clean#god knows im not perfect at this but at least i have immense social anxiety about putting my own obstructive messes in front of other peopl#id like to state for the record that im not angry or upset over this . just frustrated that im doing a) more home maintenance work than him#and b) more home maintenance work than i did living on my own#and im like 2-3x as busy. get 2-3x less sleep. developing stress conditions etc etc#he does stuff when i ask him to in a good enough kinda way but also i hate asking 👍👍👍👍👍 i hate asking so fucking bad#this close to asking him to just hire a cleaning service on his weeks to clean despite the fact that he makes like almost half of what i do#augh#anyway im fine . ive been crocheting a project due at the end of the month for 4 hours straight sitting on the living room carpet#id sit on my couch but like i have a thing about touching peoples beds and hes asleep on it half the time 😭#incidentally. yes thats why im in the living room instead of my room lmaoooo#ugh ok anyway anyway. ''you live like this?'' yes sorry i just need to talk to him but our schedules are really incompatible l#and im always the one pestering him about stuff like hes never asked me to do anything . so i feel bad. this is my own fault. i know this#just need to complain somewhere because my ass is numb lol this isnt a cushiony carpet
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the annie / troy / abed friendship trio means more to me than words could ever describe
#this is an old draft but i’m still thinking about it#something about#a wholesome friendship between three very silly people#where each of them can express themselves so freely#because they all just Get each other#AND SOMETHING ABOUT#a sapphic with her two gay friends who are head over heels for each other#sometimes she thirdwheels but she doesn’t care cause she loves seeing them so happy#she’s their biggest supporter#and they are her biggest supporters!#and they were ROOMATES 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#annie probably got up early on sundays to make them breakfast#troy would probably drive them all to campus bc he knows annie gets stressed about parking#abed probably always volunteered to clean around the apartment#(mainly cause he had stuff in very specific places that he didn’t want moved)#(but also bc troy would never remember to clean and annie would clean even if she had more important things to do)#sorry i’m just feeling a lot about them rn#they’re just so lovely#like u can’t get better than that u can’t
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