#and very rarely hurt myself

[gingersnapcookie89]

Although, my friends (there's three of us) and I do cook together. We each have our assigned tasks and that goes relatively well. I only added the "relatively" because two of us *squints @kitsunekage88 * are very accident prone and and it's very likely one of the two of will end up injured, possibly bleeding, by the end of it.

[adhderall]

well as you can see besides being ugly as all fuck I'm also extremely bitter so that doesn't help at all in making me appealing. but it also comes with the territory you see, being treated as a hideous freak of nature for your whole life kind of does things to your psyche.

also going into shit in the tags as an extreeeemely jaded individual who's been on every side of the discourse and KNOWS it all VERY PERSONALLY so I know many people will find all sorts of different reasons to hate me (if they want ig) because I'm ~politically homeless~ at this point because I'm sick and tired of everything but whatever

(also fuck I ran out of space in the tags so another post maybe idk. )

[effielovesapples]

im going. to explode

[corset]

I realized I have been having more of the variety of stress dream where in the dream I have an Extreme Autistic Meltdown. Like a very very bad meltdown where I am just shrieking and hurting myself and throwing things and I feel like I am literally about to die and then I wake up shaking with a headache and basically I think masking and not having my needs met and feeling alienated constantly in my daily life is starting to have some Effects. hahaha.

[juniestar]

Oh my god one last thing my ex took me to outside lands and when we tried to watch lana del rey he laid down on the grass and had a “panic attack” (this was after months of him talking about how he didn’t like her) so we went to see foo fighters after a bit and he was FINE

[lynxalon]

gamers i feel fuckennnnnn terrible ✌️

[v-arbellanaris]

i think the problem (?) is that the only kind of (fictional?) love that interests me is the kind of love that changes the world. the kind of love that derails the narrative, the kind of love that changes everything -- not necessarily by how special or unique the love is but by the very mundanity of it. the love that grows, not in spite of the barren lovelessness of Before, but out of it. i think that's why I'm always so invested in ships that are two people diametrically opposed to each other, or enemies-to-friends-to-lovers, or two people on separate sides of the morality issue coin, because i love it when love... not that it changes a person but it allows the person to Become. the space, the grace, to change. to love the monster, to love the unlovable and the intolerable, is to make it something other than a monster, than unlovable, than intolerable. i love it when being loved at your worst, ugliest, most horrible self is what makes you want to be someone worth loving. like is this ANYTHING to anyone or

[abyssalpriest]

unrelated to that lmfao

i love being not (insert religions based on the kings and their people as ''demons'') but being adjacent to the communities while knowing the kings on a personal level because oh boy

[martyrbat]

👍👍

[caffeinatedopossum]

The workout I've been managing to do the last three times takes me about 20 minutes and I'm honestly really happy that I can complete that because that's a lot for me.

I think my next goal is going to be to do that workout twice a day so I'll get a total of 40 minutes everyday which brings me infinitely closer to my 1 hour a day goal :D

I'll still have to see how it effects my body though because even with the amount of trial and error I've already been going through for years to find out what exercises I can and can't do with my ehlers danlos, it's still really unclear to me what's hurting me and what's helping

[mymelodyisme]

Hi… it’s really hard hitting longing hours.

[la0hu]

just bought a brand new winter coat and backpack from the north face at full price and i'm psychically gripping them both by the collar and hissing in their faces "you need to last me for at least the next five years and more acceptably for around seven bc i paid top dollar for you"

[chapelpunisher]

hey sorry not that it rlly effects anything since i dont really have a lot of interaction on this blog anymore but um. i guess i need to say im going on an indefinite hiatus on most my social media, mostly so i can do some better healing since i think even after a month i am still deeply wounded by something that in turn became a self sabotage plot. im not proud of my behavior the last 4 months, and am going to take this time to work on parts of myself that i feel like i need to pay more attention to.

theres many factors to all of this, such as my mental health in general the last 4 months have not been entirely the best partially because of starting testosterone and not being proactive in caring for my mental health before it started to get bad again. another big part is having internalized self hatred of a part of myself ive finally come to terms with. lastly, trauma resurfacing that has made me distant and cold.

unfortunately, my brain still keeps trying to convince me things will be okay again but not the way i need it, rather a way id want it to be. so, to avoid making things even worse for myself (though not sure how much more worse i could be after all of this) im just going to try and be happy, let myself metabolize and process everything.

im very much struggling to feel tolerable, but thats no fault to anyone but myself. and i find even when im having an okay time and doing things i love, still having a hard time letting go. i feel like i am a bad person a lot of the time and that ultimately i deserve everything that has happened to me in the last 4 months. so for that, i believe it is time i just work on healing, and learn to be more kinder to myself in terms of internalized stuff.

its hard, some days i feel like i dont care anymore but then it all comes back to me and i ache. and i yearn. and i make up stupid scenarios in my head only to really just hurt myself more. i wish i could be different and show that its not me but a part of me that im going to keep in check and fix so that everyone can see im trying to get better for myself and everyone i care about. i dont think i can bring myself to hate anyone, or to think badly of them through all of this but rather see that they did what they could and cant be my people after all.

i would also like to just apologize if anyone has seen my insane behavior the past month, and i hope that i will never get that bad again in hopes that this time away will help me mental health wise.

tldr; i hurt people closest to me and caused them to leave, decided to stay off social media for awhile, trying to focus on doing better and healing so future relationships that may come up wont end as badly as this one that of course is no fault but my own.

[itskenickie]

.....

[onlinelvrs]

There's nothing inherently bad about going with the flow. It allows u time to think it allows u to not have to decide in the moment. To some degree it's very freeing but at times going with the flow is a sure way to dismiss ur own values and standards. Should I really see where this goes or am I going with the flow as a way to ignore that this situation, this person, etc, is actually not worth my time to begin with.

[tenrose]

I'm fucking tired of seeing antivaxx, Qanon, brain dead people immediately start conspiracy theories everytime someone talk about having an illness diagnosed.

This is absolutely sick and frightening and incredibly damaging to see people jump to check conclusion like this.