#and to think that many people probably went through something similar is quite harmful

[bandzboy]

it's insane to me how back then my teachers thought i had a problem because i didn't participate in class or barely talked with anybody when i was just fine and because of that they would always send me to psychologist and my mom would go insane because every single one of them would tell her i didn't have a problem so after all of that i genuinely thought there was something wrong with me when it's just... my personality...?

[dynamic-k]

hi i'm supposed to be doing latin homework but oh well XD

I don't have that many questions left that aren't too direct to the plot.

ok, I think I have a new one???

Has Chosen ever thought about doing villainous actions??

What about Dark?? Like- what if Alan was right???

Of course he wasnt, Chosen would never do that... right?

idk i think i can imagine him snapping and having a villain arc.

Probably in the fight with Primal. Maybe she went too far and actually stabbed him? Ballista and the others weren't fast enough to stop her. Primal what is it with you and stabbing people I swear-

But then the others come seconds [haha what have you done to me Scarlett] later and then Dark sees Cho nearly dead.

Dark goes feral, and Vics like oh god not again.

Second goes to heal him, and Ballista.. yea I dunno about Ballista :'D

I think if Chosen were to have a villain arc, Second and Ballista would have to be removed from the plot. They're too nice-

Dark and Chosen just committing crime while the other villains just stare and think: "what on earth- Hey! THATS MY JOB!!!"

And then plot twist the villains have to work together to become heroes and stop them.

How the turns have tabled XD

wait i this is actually so far off my original question wot happened

Well, thanks for reading listening to me ramble and good morning/night/whatever,

-R

SS!Chosen thinking about villainy?! :O

WHat an iDeaA! Stick, no- He's very very heroic at heart, really and truly.

Cho dislikes harming people, and mostly uses his powers to trap, headlock, restrain, or take out of commission. UNLESS somebody hurt his family. XD Or, you know. Really-hard-to-defeat villain. He can get riled up, but he's mostly a quiet figure who has a heart for people's wellbeing and safety.

He's an AWESOME babysitter, he's protective, caring and loyal, and sticks [*silly grin*] his neck out for others' sake on a regular basis.

Even if Chosen did snap and get greatly upset, he isn't going to take it out on anyone. He tends to either grow very tense and grit his teeth and take on a dangerous tone of voice, lashing out with words rather than violence... ORRRR he leaves and calms down elsewhere. He isn't one to resort to reflexive violence.

SS!Dark. He is much the same way, although he might leave and go take it out on a pillow. Dark has the self-control to not punch someone, even if they're being really rude or insensitive to something and deliberating riling him up. He isn't going to do much aside from glaring or very hilarious and Dark-styled clever comebacks... although I suppose it is also possible he may knock the offending stick's lights out, no real harm done.

Dark has had nightmares of himself doing more than violent things, and it's not something he ever wants to come to fruition, or be made a reality. He's a careful stick, despite his reckless abandon. Oxymoronic, I know, but we did talk about how precautionary his designing of the button-bots' functions was. And even as careless as doing a surgery on himself sounds, he WAS steady and watchful in the process. He thought things through and understood the gravity of the situation he was about to do.

What is it with Primal and stabbing people- XD

She has always held a bit of a high and uncontrollable temper, only milded and mitigated to near nil or none when Ballista is around, seeming to sooth any and all violent reflexes by his presence alone. Primal loves Ballista dearly and is quite protective of him, in a similar manner to how protective the Beckers are-

So of course, the temper worsened to dangerously high levels when Ballista was in jail. :D /smile-of-"I-Love-Angst" insanity, hehe

Plus, knives and sharp things are some of the easiest projectiles for her to conjure up. Ease of summoning, plus "first-thing-she-thought-of"ness, not to mention that when you think of throwing or send-flying an object at another, it's usually an arrow or something just as sharp. TECHNICALLY, she only really stabbed Vic- She only tried to stab Chosen, which is saying a lot since this was all shortly after she felt sick to her stomach due to "killing" Vic, in her perspective.

To be fair, she was a little out of it. The serum she'd taken was meant for Vic and Vic only, and was having quite the adverse effect on her thinking and her health as a whole. Ballista was still in jail to her knowledge, Chosen was in her way ONCE AGAIN, and she was DONE. She snapped there, and for once, instead of merely paining the eldest Ladybug brother, she actually wanted to full-on drive something sharp into him so that he would not bother her.

Primal did not want to kill him, she had enough clarity of mind to decide this, but she knows where to aim her weapons so that Chosen will be weakened by injuries, but not on the verge of death. She wanted to disable him, but not fatally. She was not adverse to the sight of his blood, in fact, she was paying attention to it so she didn't overstep, even as hard as she was fighting.

There is also the adrenaline factor, and the rush that the serum granted her. It was a miracle she had enough sense to make decisions like not killing Chosen, when her mind is fuzzed by energy that her body isn't used to having, the pounding of her heart and code resonating through her ears but easily ignored because she's on top of the world and nothing can stop her.

Stick. I feel like I could have done better with Arc One, I really do. Sure, a lot say that it's really good, and I don't disagree with that, but... I see a LOOOTTTTT of room for improvement and structuring when I look back at it. HENCE! I want Arc Two to help fill in those missing spots Arc One lacked!! Might be why I'm taking so long to decide things, and probably contributing to the hiatus somewhat.

Overthinking everything... Timeline plotting for the plot on a diagram with mixed results of success...

...

ANYwaY-

| But then the others come seconds [haha what have you done to me Scarlett] later and then Dark sees Cho nearly dead. |

:D PUNS! :D

XD Nice notions, although I know even without the existence of Ballista and Second, even with the two sweeties gone, Chosen would still be a hero. It's interesting to think about how his villain arc would go, but we kinda already saw a taste on that in canon what with all the terrorism and destruction of sites. I know Canon!Chosen didn't kill anyone since that is exactly what worried him with Dark's whole Virabot scheme, but he DID help destroy a lot of homes at first.

Prettyyyy villainy.

SS!Chosen, thoughhhh- ehhh, nope. He good.

PLOT TWIST THE VILLAINS HAVE TO HERO AGAINST VILLAIN-CHOSEN- XD HELp- That would be hilarious-

HOW THE TURNS HAVE TABLED INDEED- sticks i love saying that so much- XD

....Anyway- I will go and answer those other two asks in my inbox-

:3 Might be slow today, I'm currently at my shift, but there was a slow moment so- I got this one done. U v U

I LOVE this. Rambles are epic.

[iwonderwh0]

Finally, I met a person with a similar opinion about Daniel, I hope you don’t mind me writing to you, I just want to talk to someone about him. I recently remembered about dbh and decided to delve deeper into this fandom, I liked Daniel because I like crazy and jealous characters so I wanted to read content about him and … it ruined my enjoyment of his character, I was surprised how much people are dismissive of what he did, many people justify that because of his new emotions, Daniel made a lot of hasty and bad decisions, well, maybe that's true, but it still doesn't change his actions, he had a choice to run away, but no, he chose violence and murder, he took Emma hostage and threatened to kill her, although he loved her, no, I think he really loved her, but at that moment he didn’t care about Emma’s safety, he just wanted to hurt someone harm at that time

It also outrages and annoys me when I see how in fanfiction where there is a scene that Emma forgives Daniel for what he did, no, just no, if Emma had ever met Daniel, she would have had a mental breakdown and a panic attack, she would never forgive Daniel, he killed her father, and almost killed her, this girl is completely traumatized because of him, even if Daniel sincerely repents, no amount of “sorry” will bring back John, will not bring back the dead policemen, who were sure to have family and friends, no one will restore healthy psyche of Emma and Caroline, Daniel destroyed everything irrevocably, there is no chance of forgiveness and redemption, for this reason, it infuriates me how people too easily treat Emma's trauma as if it doesn't matter

Also I don't like how people demonize John and Caroline, especially John, honestly we don't know what kind of people they were before the disaster because we only get glimpses of them, maybe they weren't very good people or not, but in anyway, it annoys me that all people think that Philips are to blame for everything, although they just wanted to buy a new android, they had no idea that Daniel actually felt something, although I have a theory that John and Caroline noticed that, something what's wrong with Daniel, and his behavior, he was too human, or did things that androids don't usually do, that's the reason they decided to replace Daniel, because of concern, but that's just a theory, anyway, people oversimplify things, making it seem like it's all Phillips' fault, and being too protective of Daniel

Thanks you reading, I needed someone to talk to about this because I felt like I was the only person who thought that Daniel was an asshole, I still have thoughts, but this won’t fit anymore, so I can write something else if only you are interested, of course

YES, YES TO ALL THIS

Man, I feel you, I was so damn frustrated when I went through their tags and saw it over and over again. This absolutely offensive absurd idea of some reconciliation, constant demonisation of John and Caroline and woobification of probably the most radically hateful and destructive character of the whole game. I swear, one of the absolute worst takes I've seen in this fandom were about Daniel and Emma. And it hurts my soul how people seem to refuse to empathise with Emma and Caroline for even one moment, because if they did, I don't believe those tags would look like they are. But well, this fandom is seeing exactly what David Cage presented – really black&white picture of that game world. "People bad androids good"

Btw, I tag them here as "#dbh emma" and "#dbh daniel" if you wanna go through more tags in which it's more similar to your view. I have quite a few posts under those tags, sometimes independently, and sometimes "dbh caroline" as well

Also, I have a really similar headcanon to yours! If you were to post a list of your headcanons about Phillips's and Daniel, I'd be curious to see it.

[sweettoothvn]

Hellooo!!!

Could you write some red flags about the LI? (if they have any)

Thx uu *gives the creator warn food to give them energy✧)

Andre:

Can be possessive of his partner (it depends on who they're around to be honest.)

Too Oblivious/Naive when it comes to people flirting with him (it can get him in some trouble on accident)

Would you consider his gun obsession a red flag? Depends on your viewpoint on guns tbh.

Casey:

Doesn't look out for himself and tries to prioritize others over himself. (he's not mentally okay)

Considering his Bhaavana abilities, sometimes he tries to take people's negative emotions and put them onto himself. He thinks he's helping when he's probably not.

Also too naive and overly trusting. May mistake mysterious pills on the table for candy. Please monitor him.

Chrys:

Stubborn. She won't leave your side if you want to be alone and you clearly aren't okay. This can be seen as endearing, but some people need to be left alone when they're not in a good mindset and she doesn't understand she's doing more harm than good.

Reckless and carless. Sometimes, her little pranks or practical jokes can go wrong. You could see before the plan even went through that it wouldn't end well, but Chrys doesn't get that not everyone likes pranks. It will take her a while to understand that.

David:

God complex. He thinks he's above everyone he meets, and it's quite rare that he views someone as his equal. This complex stems from some childhood trauma and his intense insecurities.

Sadistic. He's sadistic in that he likes seeing other people fail when they are explicitly in his way. People are just pawns to him.

Substance abuse. He's not a true alcoholic where he can't function 'normally' without alcohol- but he does tend to abuse alcohol when he can or when it's present.

Eddie:

Reckless. He doesn't seem to have much self-preservation either and gets into many dangerous situations or frequently creates dangerous situations.

Ill-tempered. It doesn't take much to get his gears grinding. He's a ticking time bomb and lacks restraint.

Violent. He doesn't like to settle disputes with words. Fists are his immediate go to.

Kieran:

Narcissistic. Self-love is important, but there's such thing as too much. He believes everyone should love him, he's so great after all!

Insecure. Now, of course, his narcissism is more like a shield to hide all of his insecurities that he bottles up. He's pretty easy to manipulate because of them.

Ill-tempered. Similar to Eddie, he also gets offended quite easily. However, words are his first before fists. He wants to see his 'opponent' writhe and squirm as he points out all their flaws and shrink into themselves. That will teach them for messing with him.

Noble:

Possessive. In Gilvan culture, it's common for Gilvans to be possessive and overly protective of their partners. However, that's only acceptable within that community, and Noble doesn't tend to date within that circle.

Obsessive. Once something catches his interest, he believes it's destiny for him to indulge in that interest. Which is usually a person. He is a strong believer in fate.

Substance abuse. Besides having a smoking problem, he tends to abuse any sort of drug he can get his hands on. He wants to know what they'll do to him and how fucked up he'll get. It's sort of thrilling to him. He doesn't truly value his life either, so if his lifespan is shortened because of it, he doesn't care.

Zach:

Pushover. He's pretty easy to sway into doing things he doesn't want to. And no, he will not stand up for himself. He will however stand up for others.

Insecure. He doesn't see himself as a person, probably because he hasn't been treated like one for so long.

Substance abuse. Of course, it's not as severe as David or Noble, but he does have a smoking problem like Kieran. Their father introduced it to them when they were younger.

[trozeikylis]

The Human Heart, Divine Judgment, and Mechs

Spoilers for the OG series and End of Evangelion. I’d highly advise you watch those first so you can make your own opinion before looking at this.

I recently watched all of Eva for the first time recently since my friend invited me to watch End of Eva for its special theater viewing. To be honest, I didn’t know really what to expect when I went in, but I had heard a lot of things and had figured now would be a good time to finally bite the bullet and have one large, cathartic session of child soldier trauma. What I didn’t expect would be a 10 hour binge-fest of tears and a major reconsideration of myself in the process.

I knew that this show was heavy and wasn’t going to pull punches. It’s kinda why I opted to binged the initial 26 episodes by myself on one day. And while I wouldn’t recommend it for everyone because I felt absolutely horrendous from the messed up state of mind it left me in, it’s definitely something I’d suggest doing if you have the guts for it.

As for the show and movie itself, I’m glad that I watched them both sometime during my life. As I said earlier, this is not for everyone. It’s mature, unadulterated emotions splayed on the canvas for all to see. If you couldn’t stand something like Devilman Crybaby, then this is probably not for you. But by the same token, it’s a deep retrospection of yourself and (Japanese) society as a whole when you look at it from an analytical lens. The concept of merging every being into one, essentially eliminating the self is such an extreme that I’ve never even considered would be possible, and yet, they made it work. There’s numbers and logic and science, but by the same token, nothing explicitly explains why the Evas are capable of taking matters into their own hands through the inhibiting armor. But it doesn’t need to.

Are we worthy to continue existing? Are we worthy of our lives as a whole, or as an individual? These are the two questions that Eva proudly poses, with each group giving different answers. And it’s very obvious of the stances of each party: the pilots and those that stand with them, and the Seele. However, because the opinions of the children are cast aside, it very much reflects the mentality humanity has put into its youth: disregarded due to the lack of experience. But those that do acknowledge them understand that once, they too were in their shoes. It’s why those that sided with them had similar situations of absent or neglectful parents, those that barely had an appearance, and thusly, carved a determined individual out of spite rather than praise and attendance.

And while Shinji gets a lot of flak for being hesitant to his fate, I have to firmly disagree on the logic that those fans have for him. It’s obvious from the beginning that while he wishes to not cause harm, it’s the fate he’s drawn to and eventually a key part of his identity. If he wasn’t an Eva pilot, would anyone else ever hear his cello? Would anyone else bother looking at him? He’s an average guy with average grades on purpose, and yet one who must answer the call and push past his neglectful childhood in order to sprout the seed of humanity.

As for Rei and Asuka, this is the first series in a long time that made me ask myself: “why were you written in this story? For what purpose do you have to the message of the plot?” Rei was quite simple, but Asuka? Asuka drove me mad. I could not comprehend her reasoning for existing. Without Asuka, Shinji was on a steady platform for growth and acceptance, for understanding flaw and fault and yet being able to hold his head high and make positive relationships regardless of what others think. When she came in on the 7th episode, I was excited. I was curious as to why so many people were attracted to her character, but it fell incredibly flat. Her stubborn ego and standoffish attitude clashed with the sheer positivity I had seen from online. She was asinine and cruel to Shinji, who clearly had a lot of visible issues going on, even if he was silent about them. Even after the explanation of her mother going insane to eventually committing suicide, I felt nothing. I had figured that she had ongoing familial issues (as did the rest of the cast that directly interacted with the pilots), but at this point when everybody’s special, nobody is.

It wasn’t until I had watched the movie that it finally clicked for me. Asuka, standing proudly in the apartment, staring at Shinji, echoing what had already been stated throughout the show. The confidence that Shinji could never have stared back at him, the woman within his grasp undesirable. One who is lauded and praised endlessly for her accelerated education and incredible synchronization with the Eva, and yet… everything Shinji despises. She is the truth that he rejects. She is the foil to Shinji, one who accepts and runs toward the truth, and gets hurt because of it. After all, while they both watched their mothers’ lives end, Asuka is the only one who made it shape her thoughts. It festered and built after all that time, allowing her to finally accept her AT fields and use them until the end.

It doesn’t matter how many times Shinji’s train-space in his head has to attempt to process the same information. It doesn’t get through until that very scene, and in a strange sense, made me truly enjoy Asuka as a character and thusly, that entire scene. It’s truly a shame it was resolved via domestic violence, but by the same token, has Shinji ever had such an authority with his voice to realize that it may have been effective in that moment? Not to say “boys will be boys” or anything of the sort, but by the same token, when you know nothing else aside from biting the hand that feeds, what will a wild beast do when they are taught nothing?

I’m honestly surprised that words are not talked about more in the series. Like the Spear of Longinius, they are more than capable of cutting through AT fields and resonating with the soul. You see them work and be effective with the improving synchronicity rates, when he surpasses Asuka. The positive reinforcement truly bolsters him and lets him stand for himself again after she initially arrives. Maybe it’s even what makes him desperate for her approval. Perhaps his loneliness had truly started to eat at him and she was the fastest person he could contact. There are a lot of different reasons that he could be so stuck on her. At the same time, though, from the perspective of a child deep in depression and torment, words are simply just noise that fill the air.

Speaking of which, many laud the series for an accurate depiction of depression and anxiety, and while I didn’t really get the feeling of the latter until End of Eva, Shinji’s self-affirmations and hesitance always had resonated with me. The feeling of not knowing what tomorrow will be or how the world will elect to view you always creeps in the back of your mind.

And before I forget: the original ending, while technically fantastic to break down and the message being amazing in its open-endedness, definitely left a lot to be had. That said, I am grateful it exists as it helps build more context for End of Eva. It gives an introspection on Shinji, and how he defines the human heart. The turmoil that fights at him while he sits under the staircase during the Seele raid, the thoughts that rush through his head while a giant Rei stares expectingly at him, the collective consciousness flooding through his head whilst he becomes fanta, they’re all proudly on display through those initial last two episodes.

However, I will definitely appreciate the End of Evangelion for tying everything very neatly. Knowing the fate of Shinji and the world appends to the message of the show. That despite everything, despite the apocalypse and nobody wanting to join you, you can find hope. You can carry what others have dropped and make sure your own dreams can be within reality. What others think of you shouldn’t matter. While external appreciation is nice, it shouldn’t define you as a person. However, it’s ok to be afraid. Otherwise, we would all be one person with several different bodies, and without each other being different in our own ways, there would be no reason to carry on anymore.

So, what do you wish for? What do you want? Would you like to be one, in body, in mind, and in spirit?

I didn’t realize I had this many words to say about Eva, but it did resonate with me pretty intensely. If you’ve read this far, thank you for listening to my rambling. It’s insane how content that’s produced from a region that is resistant to understanding mental health and from such a long time ago still has merit in this current age, but life finds a way. I definitely wish to watch the rest of the content that came out for this because it’s been an incredibly validating experience despite how unrealistic it is. Once I’m done with Eva, I’ll probably watch other things to make me feel absolutely horrendous and write about them here. Or not, who knows?

[sysmedsaresexist]

i don't want to publically share it on our account, but we also had an experience with being convinced by others that we could have RAMCOA trauma. im not sure how relevant it is to the discord drama, but heres that!

the biggest thing i saw so much was '(x symptom) can only happen to ramcoa systems'. it was no one talking about their traumas or experiences, but saying that different symptoms could only happen in ramcoa.

we went digging into our trauma when we weren't ready to, and were absolutely terrified of what we wouldn't. we weren't able to trust anyone, who knows who could have done that to us?

it wasn't until our psych told us that we don't have signs of hidden memories, just dissociation caused amnesia, that we finally were able to relax.

its not that there is a problem with ramcoa systems or them discussing their experiences, not any more than any other system talking about ours. but the way that the symptoms are talked about

there's no problem with, say, a ramcoa system explaining their symptoms as a system. that includes the ones that that trauma caused. but there's a pretty big problem, in my opinion, with claiming that those systems are only possible with ramcoa

like with hc-did, we had the vast majority of them. and when we were being told that other symptoms of ours are signs of programming, we were just so scared

i don't really get what the discourse is about right now. but i i have seen quite a few ramcoa systems claim that certain symptoms can only happen from ramcoa, and that it's misinfo and harmful to ramcoa systems to say otherwise. and seen them be really attacking of others who have those symptoms or even similar ones.

like i had an ex-friend who was programmed by an ex. i saw evidence, explicit evidence of this being the case and it was confirmed by their psychologist. but i also saw people claim that if it was just one ex it wasn't able to be ramcoa, it needs to involve multiple highly skilled abusers. also, they couldn't have the symptoms they were having without it.

but they did. if not programming because that's ramcoa specific, then something indistinguishable from it according even to their psych. something caused by the exact same methods used against ramcoa systems.

so yeah. bit of my experience. sad to see it seems pretty common. i mean, if it werent for our psych, it would have probably ruined our life.

once again this is not an issue at all with ramcoa systems or them talking about their experiences. that ex-friend of mine told us all about theirs. they were under the impression it did count as ramcoa, i dont care to discourse abt if thats right or not, and they were telling us about their experiences.

they were telling us about specific symptoms that we both had that were very similar, but theirs was a symptom of ramcoa and ours weren't. and we never had a single problem with that. when we first started talking about their experiences, they told us to be mindful that it is not a good idea to question if we may have ramcoa trauma we dont remember. specifically BECAUSE its easy to trick yourself into thinking you might.

theres no issues at all with ramcoa survivors talking about their experiences. there just is an issue, a pretty big one in my opinion, where ramcoa systems decide certain symptoms of DID are exclusive to ramcoa. i have never seen any evidence to ever back up any of these claims ive seen. but i have seen that so many of them are things we as a system experience. and if it weren't for our psych, being told that must mean we have ramcoa would have probably ruined our life

Thank you so much for sharing ❤️ I'm so sorry you've gone through that.

I really appreciate the way you've worded this.

I really want to remind people that talking about the validity of one thing (in this case, triggering anxiety) is not downplaying the validity and severity of another thing (in this case, extreme and severe abuse).

They're two separate conversations, and they're equally important and real in their own right and context.

[sweetandglovelyart]

Kirby Things I Plan to Draw at Some Point

Making a list of things I want to draw and plan to draw at some point once I have more time just so I can keep track of all of it and get people’s thoughts on it/see if anyone is interested in it. Here are all of the ideas I have under the cut.

- Susie redemption arc comic

I definitely want to draw this after I finish up Knightfall in Dream Land and I’ve started doing sketches to plan it out. The goal of this comic will be to redeem Susie and also set up a friendship/eventual romance between her and Taranza since I ship them. After the events of Planet Robobot, Bandana Dee discovers that Susie is still on Popstar and informs Dedede, who sends Kirby to stop her from causing harm to the planet again. But after finding Susie and seeing that she no longer has the resources to mechanize anything or anyone Kirby befriends her and tries to introduce her to his other friends.

They’re understandably wary of her given what she’s done to their world and what she’s done to Meta Knight, so Kirby gets the not so bright idea to try and get Susie to apologize to Meta Knight and promise not to mechanize anyone else so that his other friends will feel more relaxed around her. This goes about as well as you’d expect, Meta Knight and his crew are all still angry at her (and Susie doesn’t think that she did anything wrong at this point and doesn’t see a need to apologize) so Kirby comes up with another idea. He thinks that if Susie experiences something similar to what she put Meta Knight through then she’ll know what it feels like and will understand why he’s upset. This is where Taranza comes in.

They all go to Floralia and Kirby asks Taranza to use his puppeteering magic to possess Susie, Taranza and Susie both agree to this but Susie doesn’t find the experience of being puppeted to be all that distressing. Meta Knight is tired of her being on Popstar at this point and Susie wants to return to her home planet, so Meta decides that he and his crew will personally take her back to her home world on the Halberd to get her off of the planet as quickly as possible so she won’t harm anybody else. Dedede, Bandee, Kirby, and Taranza come along (as extra muscle in case Susie tries anything on the ship) and they set off for Susie’s home planet.

- Daroach backstory comic

An associate of one of Daroach’s old flames shows up asking Daroach for a favor. Daroach’s ex is the leader of a rival gang, and Daroach hasn’t seen her since she abruptly broke up with him many years ago when they were both young adults. I know some people like to give Kirby characters specific numerical ages, but my headcanon is that Kirby characters don’t age like humans do/different species age differently/real life years between the games releasing doesn’t necessarily equate to years passing for the characters (just look at Adeleine, she’s still a child in Star Allies even though that game was released almost two decades after Crystal Shards lmao) so I don’t like to assign characters specific numerical ages, but I do headcanon them to be in specific age ranges (like child, teen, young adult, older adult, etc.). At the time he and his ex split up Daroach and his ex are both really young adults, probably the equivalent to an 18 or 19 year old, and Daroach in the present during the events of the games is quite a bit older, probably the equivalent of being in his mid 30s. Anyways, the associate wants to bring Daroach to his ex so that he and his ex can discuss some very important matters/talk about some things that were left unresolved when they broke up.

- Short comic explaining what Taranza and Dedede were doing before they went to help Kirby defeat Sectonia

This would be a fairly short comic explaining how Taranza ended up teaming up with Dedede to help Kirby at the end of Triple Deluxe. I wanted to give my take on what he was up to after Sectonia blasted him away and how he decided to switch sides and help Kirby in the end. It’ll also explain how he becomes the king of Floralia since in my AU of things he becomes the king after Sectonia’s death and the People of the Sky serve as royal advisors/an advisory council to assist him.

- Comic explaining how Dedede and Meta Knight ended up as a couple

I ship Dedede and Meta Knight and they’re married in my AU, but this would be a comic explaining how they went from being good friends to growing apart for a while to reconciling and dating. The start of this comic will be set right after the Revenge of Meta Knight subgame from Kirby Super Star/Ultra. Dedede is furious at Meta Knight and plans to banish him and his crew from Dream Land until Kirby intervenes and demands that Dedede should let them stay, since Kirby knows that Meta Knight isn’t a bad guy even though he did a bad thing and Dedede owes Kirby a favor after all of the times Kirby has saved him in the past. Dedede agrees not to banish the knights but his friendship with Meta Knight appears to be over. The two of them end up becoming distant with each other, and during this period of time they only see each other when they’re both spending time with Kirby and end up going off on their own solo adventures (explaining why Meta Knight isn’t in Dream Land 3 or Kirby 64 and why Dedede isn’t in Amazing Mirror) until the events of Squeak Squad. After Kirby beats up Dedede and Daroach steals the chest containing Dark Nebula, Dedede finally decides to call up Meta Knight so they can figure out what to do about it (I’m going with the headcanon that the two of them fought and sealed away Dark Nebula before meeting Kirby so that’s why Dedede has the chest that contains Dark Nebula and why Meta Knight knows about it). They have a heart to heart talk with each other, clarify some misunderstandings, and reconcile and admit their feelings for one another.

- Short comic about Taranza and Susie helping each other to grieve their lost loved ones

This will be a short comic centered around Taranza, Susie, and an OC of mine who is Taranza’s mother. This will be set after Susie is redeemed. Susie and Taranza have become close friends after her redemption, and she goes to visit him in Floralia regularly. One day when she visits Taranza and his mom are about to go visit Taranza’s father’s grave since it’s the anniversary of his passing (in my AU Taranza also has a dead dad like Susie but his dad died when he was a kid so he’s had more time to process it/grieve even though it’s still painful). Susie offers to go with them to support Taranza even though it’s hard for her since she’s still struggling with the loss of her father, so the three of them visit the grave and leave some flowers. Taranza is grateful that she went with them and gets the idea to help Susie set up a little memorial for her father so she has a place to visit/leave flowers for him since he doesn’t have a grave/there’s nothing left of him. I thought it would be sweet to depict the two of them helping each other through the grief of losing a loved one. Taranza is still grieving over Sectonia too and Susie also helps him work through that but I thought I’d also give him a dead dad so the two of them could relate to each other over losing a parent (and also to create a parallel between Taranza and my OC who’s his mom by having them both lose someone they were in love with in a very tragic way).

- Comic explaining how Taranza and Susie start dating

This will be set soon after Star Allies, so the mage sisters and Hyness have been redeemed and join the cast. Susie and Taranza’s friendship has grown even stronger, and all of their other friends get the impression that their feelings for each other go beyond friendship… Dedede and Meta Knight decide to intervene and act as the “dad friends” that give their younger friends a little nudge to confess their feelings to each other. In my AU Dedede and Taranza become good friends after Triple Deluxe and Meta and Susie become good friends after Susie is redeemed and apologizes for what she did to him, so I thought it’d be nice to have Dedede and Meta give Taranza and Susie some guidance.

- Comic explaining how Dedede and Meta Knight got engaged/showing their wedding

I’ve established that they’re a couple in my AU but I haven’t actually explained how they proposed to each other or what their wedding was like, so this comic would show that. I could see both of them proposing to each other instead of only one of them proposing lmao… and instead of wearing engagement rings or wedding rings I think I’d have both of them wear bracelets instead. They’d wear their engagement bracelets on one wrist and their wedding bracelets on the other, my explanation for why we don’t see their bracelets in the games is because they’re hidden under their gloves/mittens most of the time lmao…

Is all of this stuff that you guys would be interested in seeing? I would really like to draw all of this at some point but if I get around to it it’s likely not going to be for a while since I’m pretty busy with school/work things. But I’d love to hear everyone’s thoughts on the ideas I have and any suggestions for other stuff to draw! My ask box and my DMs are always open, I love hearing from everybody!

[miras-ash]

Chapter 16 of "Just as the stars love the night"

Mira's pov

She is beautiful. That was the first thing that went through my mind when I first saw this little creature. On her head she already had dark red hair and her eyes shone bright green, she was the perfect image of her mother.

I looked at both of them and knew immediately that I was home, this was my family, my fortress and I would defend it with my life. Never again should they be wronged or harmed, I swore to myself.

"She's really there. She really exists." Liz's voice sounded wooden almost as if she was in a state of shock, only her smile assured me that it was okay. No one said anything for quite a while, it was like we were in our own little bubble sealed off from the outside world and only when my arms started to go numb because I was still holding Eliza I woke up from this kind of trance. With Doc's help we put her down on the couch and then started to clean Eliza as best we could. I looked around, her clothes were definitely ruined, she couldn't wear them anymore so I had no choice but to find something new. Since Gustave was still busy examining the two anyway, I left the cabin on my way to our friends and colleagues. Maybe someone had something to give away.

The first person I met was none other than Yumiko, sitting on one of the couches across from the stairs leading down. She jumped up, her eyes widened when she saw me after all I looked like after a visit to the slaughterhouse, my clothes and hands were covered in blood.

"Mira tell me she's still alive!"

Yumiko was already about to rush past me but I held her tight.

"Yes, she's still alive. She and the baby are probably up for now, we just have to make sure we get there soon."

She breathed a sigh of relief and then said "Thank God, I couldn't think of anything else. I was so scared and if something had happened to her and I wasn't by her side, I never would have been able to forgive myself."

She spoke from my soul, luckily we had Doc, without him this all could have ended very differently.

"Say, you didn't happen to have time to bring a change of clothes did you?"

Hibana shook her head but thought about it for a moment before happily announcing "I didn't but I'm sure Jordan won't mind if we borrow his hoddie, he's always wearing something underneath anyway and I'm sure someone has something else, let's go ask quickly."

Together we entered the passenger area of the plane. My sudden presence and appearance had a similar reaction to Yumiko's in most people, everywhere only worried or partly confused faces. No one said anything, they seemed to be waiting to see if and what I had to say.

"Ash gave birth to a healthy baby girl a few minutes ago, she is doing okay according to the circumstances. Doc is taking care of her right now" I announced in a loud voice and immediately thunderous applause broke out. Congratulations were shouted at me, some colleagues with whom I was somewhat closer friends came up to me, patted me on the shoulder or even hugged me. After everything had calmed down, most of them sat down again, still looking at me. I took this opportunity to ask "Does anyone have any clothes to donate? It should be noted that they could probably come into contact with blood and such."

Against my expectations, I was given a large selection to choose from, everyone wanted to help, which really touched me. We didn't always agree and there were many arguments but at the end of the day we were all one big family.

A short time later together with Yumiko, I returned to Eliza who was still sitting on the sofa. Her eyelids half closed, she lifted her head slightly to look at who was coming in. A faint smile twitched at the corner of her mouth as she caught sight of the two of us, then her eyelids fluttered again and her head fell to her chest. Before I could panic, Gustave intervened.

"She's just tired and light headed. I gave her strong painkillers after she had nursed your daughter before. She will probably sleep through the whole flight now, she resisted until just now because she didn't want to worry you. Impressive when you consider that the dosage will knock out even a real heavyweight in minutes."

Relieved I walked up to her and with Yumiko's help, I dressed her. If the situation hadn't been so serious, we probably would have laughed. She looked really silly with the way too big sweater that looked like a dress on her and the oversized wool socks. I still undid her disheveled braid and then laid her down properly.

Doc handed me the little bundle, the first time I held her in my arms.

I was worried the last few months that I couldn't even look at the child or worse would hate her but that wasn't the case. She wasn't responsible for this situation.

Afraid of dropping her, I sat down on the floor, bent my legs to support my arms as well. Yumiko settled down next to me and gently stroked the little one's head.

"She looks like Lizzie. If she has her character too, you'll have a lot of fun."

She was right about that, two redheaded monsters driving me crazy, my life was definitely not going to be boring.

It's crazy how things turn out sometimes. Just a few years ago I thought Eliza was a conceited and an  absolutely arrogant princess to put it in Kali's words. She was nothing more than a colleague, actually more of a rival. And today she is my soul mate, my love, my life and now also the mother of our child.

[virtualsoup]

You've replied to a few of my comments about how I supposedly didn't read your points and I'm actually writing an essay about a similar take. I'm also a victim of sexual assault if that helps my case. It does give me a slanted opinion because I've been molested and still deal with the trauma to this day. Also I am bisexual. So, responding to your points:

1) Just someone who assaults children actually isn't pedophilia!!! More likely they're a sociopath or psycopath or someone who enjoys hurting others. Pedophilia is strictly those who assault children sexually or trade and/or make child exploitation content. If someone is just looking for anyone to harm then it's most likely they suffer from many other problems. But someone who targets children specifically for sexual content is a pedophile. Hope that clears that point up

2) how many people in real life (I'm talking perhaps bringing a statistic into your argument?) actually seek help for pedophilic behavior? We see all the time people who never get charged and get away with sexual assault of a minor and they don't seek help in any way. I've seen at least ten predator catcher videos where these people could be in JAIL. I watched one where a man who was in jail for 23 years - got out at 70 something and immediately went back to trying to groom minors online. I get what you're saying, about hoping that people will change for the better and that some people try to seek help, and we shouldn't immediately death charge someone who wants help. I see your point there. Unfortunately pedophilia is a completely different breed from alcoholism or a porn addiction. But I see the bones of this argument.

3) this sounds like murder!! My abuser did leave a witness. He left me. Have you personally been sexually assaulted in order to make this claim??? It's a really weird claim to make that the abuser wouldn't leave a witness. Sexual abuse isn't akin to murder or leaving a witness. It's not about a witness it's about sexual gratification. This point is so interesting. Many times adults don't believe kids. They can leave a witness because society doesn't believe children tell the truth.

4) I see the point you're making here. If someone ESPECIALLY as a part of LGBTQ gets wrongfully convicted as a pedophile or accused of pedophilic crimes, it would be disastrous. And stuff like this happens quite often. My dad thinks even just having gay friends is molestation (my dad also said that if anything actually happened to me there would be clear signs that I am traumatized). This is where it's really a picky situation. Our legal system is truly fucked, they choose fame and money over jailing people who really deserve it, and it happens so often with mass media cover up regarding celebrities and stuff (like Shane Dawson, James Charles, Colleen Ballinger) and cases take forever to work through. It's where the US should take the time to go through evidence. In this case, you're right, the death penalty shouldn't be enacted until we know for sure our legal system is trustworthy. They will choose corrupt politicians over innocent people anyday. I will say though, there ARE gay people who are pedophiles. And it doesn't look good for the image of just regular expression of sexuality and labels and stuff. But those people deserve to be treated the same as anyone who chooses to abuse children. Anyone right and left political leaning could be a pedophile. To say it's specifically one or the other is wrong. I understand where you're coming from here though.

Because pedophilia is a choice. You're choosing to harm and sexually assault kids. Those people do have a choice and they choose those things. It's not a sexuality, it's not a romantic orientation. To perceive it that way is sick and wrong.

Personally, I would want my abuser to get the death penalty. I don't know if he assaulted his daughter, or if I was his only victim, but from the numerous media I've looked into I probably was not his only victim. I am 21 and I find it hard to even imagine sharing intimacy or telling a boyfriend that I was assaulted. I have to go before a court and explain in detail the things this man did to me. And It will hurt me. This guy groomed me and did things to me that i still sometimes get nightmares about. And it happened when I was 6-9. I urge you to look into more media about pedophiles. Pedophiles should die. Death is coming for all of us but those who choose to fuck up children because they like to and it makes them feel good are the worst. Up there with murderers and rapists.

"Pedos should die" is such a monumentally awful and dangerous take.

1. Many people who assault children are not pedos. There's probably a statistic, but it's not an insignificant number. They'd assault an adult if one was available, they just want to have power over something. They're not actually attracted to children.

2. There ARE pedophiles that don't want to be. They go to therapy and can live mostly normal lives. If pedophilia was a crime punishable by death, these people would simply not get therapy, and they will likely act on their desires instead since they don't have the tools that therapy would give them. More children would suffer.

3. The ones that do act will be less likely to leave a witness. Why risk the child telling when they can either completely take the child away or kill the child. If the victim can't call for help, their odds of being caught are lower, and your odds of survival go way up.

4. This should be the most obvious one but: Think for two seconds about what groups are wrongfully accused of being pedophiles. This idea puts everyone who is LGBTQ+ at risk as well as SO MANY minority groups! Don't forget that immigrants are also often accused of being pedos! These groups are the ones that will be the first ones targeted! I even see right wing nut jobs claim that everyone left of basically Trump is a pedophile! These are the people that will be executing you. They already want a reason to kill us, why give them a legal loophole?

This last one is so fucking obvious I can't help but imagine that some of you that say this are just fucking psyops.

I also think it's incredibly dangerous and suspicious how I've seen people say "if you're not antiship you're a pedo" considering how fucking alt-right that sounds. It's EXACTLY "if you're not pro-Trump you're a pedo."

[asterekmess]

Did you ever watch Buffy? The first episode where Anya was introduced was titled "The Wish" and all I can think about is if Scott McCall had ever run into a pure Sidhe where they offered him a wish. Instead of, "I wish Buffy had never come to Sunnydale." It would be more, "I wish I was never bitten to become a werewolf." But just like all feaye tricks, the outcome is more, his Dad ended up with primary custody rather than his Mom and he was forced to leave BH. And then Stiles ended up more friends with Heather and others. And while Scott's life is worse, when he tracks down the others he finds all of theirs are greatly improved.

I think about it a lot and how Scott never really dealt with the consequences of any of his actions, everyone else did, and how an episode or mini-arc could have fixed a flaw in the show's design. I mean, we were already dealing with a lot of Celtic lore, why not someone from the Sidhe courts?

I have no idea why this took me so long to answer, so apologies for that. <3 I did watch buffy! I've seen all of it, and all of Angel as well. XD

I remember 'The Wish' episode, and whoooo boy it gave me chills. I loved how big the butterfly effect was, how something that seemed so small, something that Genuinely seemed to be the cause of a lot of problems in Sunnydale, ended up being so important to how things had progressed. Because, yeah, you would think Buffy not coming to Sunnydale would be a Good Thing, right? Sunnydale didn't have all of these insane issues before she arrived. It was quiet, and nothing big or scary ever happened. Her arrival matches perfectly with when everything started going absolutely nuts, so whatever selfish ideas Cordelia had, her thought that Buffy not coming to Sunnydale would be a good thing, makes sense. Except that, as she finds out, she's entirely wrong. Buffy's arrival was a lucky coincidence, or fate, whatever your taste leans toward. She showed up right as things started going nuts, and she kept it from going SO MUCH MORE NUTS.

Now, moving on to TW, it is a fascinating mix of being the Exact same situation, and the exact Opposite. I'll add a Read More, cus' holy god is this a lot of Rambling.

Because Scott wishing not to have been bitten...yeah, the bite Did improve things. But it improved things for him. He would absolutely regret making the wish, just like Cordelia did, because he would realize how many good things the bite had brought with it. BUT, conversely, he would have to realize how many good things the bite had brought for him, not for other people, and how their lives either wouldn't have been affect, or might've even Improved without him being bitten. Without the bite, Scott wouldn't have gotten on first line, period. His health issues made very clear in the five minutes he had them that any kind of stamina based sport was just out of the question for him. If he is unable to walk through the woods at a moderate pace without needing to grab his inhaler and stop against a tree, he just plain cannot play lacrosse for two or three hours of running at high speeds and working a bunch of muscles in his upper body. He likely wouldn't have gone out with Allison, because he would have no convenient way to get her attention. Furthermore, he wouldn't have the extra senses that both impressed her on the lacrosse field, and told him about her 'family dinner' the night of Lydia's party. (I've discussed this before, but... While it's true, Allison would have still brought him the dog; that dog would likely have attacked him, and his chances with her would have been shot in the foot when they both got in massive trouble and he likely had to go to the ER for stitches or something. Without Allison or first line, he wouldn't have started hanging out with the 'cool kids,' and quite frankly, wouldn't have had anyone to help him study for the classes he was struggling with. It's true that he also wouldn't have had werewolf things to worry about, or even a girlfriend to distract him from homework, so maybe that wouldn't have been such a huge issue, but still.

If we look at other people's lives and how They would have been affected by Scott not getting the bite...well, let's talk about that.

Stiles didn't get on first line because of Scott, or because of a werewolf bite. Or even because of the werewolf bullshittery occurring in town. He was put on first line because of his abilities, and even after being taken OFF first line for missing the game, he was put Right onto the field in the next game, chosen OVER other players who were perfectly viable options. Which means, he still would've ended up on first line. Allison wasn't interested in dating before she met Scott, and part of her draw to him was based on how 'different' he was. He knew things she didn't know how he could know, he had a weird ability to calm a furious, injured dog, and he had charisma that was ALSO gained from the bite, since being on first line made Scott Much more self-confident. If she didn't end up dating him, it's likely she wouldn't have dated at all. Which would mean no hiding from her parents, no strange conflicts of interest, AND, interestingly enough --depending on her involvement in the murders, etc that would still be occurring in town--no night in the school that would scare her bad enough to ask Kate for extra help and tip her headfirst into hunter training. AND, even if she DID still end up getting those lessons from Kate? There would be no bitterness to fuel her behavior at the end of season 1.

Allison was Traumatized after Kate showed her Derek on the grate. She was horrified, and didn't know what to do about it, and while we can ramble all we want about the morality of her not confronting her family (whom she's just discovered is willing to electrocute people) about it, the fact is that she pushed the thoughts aside to stop freaking out and went to that dance. Where she found out Scott was a werewolf, and was So fucking Betrayed that she was willing to help Kate catch him and Derek. No Scott, no betrayal, no willingness to help Kate recapture the miserable man who'd been chained up in a basement.

If we go back to that specific night, and try to unfold the events from there if Scott hadn't been bitten, things get a little complicated, but I'll take a few artistic liberties. Scott isn't bitten. Presumably, he just happens to get out of the woods in time, or he gets caught with Stiles by the sheriff, or doesn't go to the woods in the first place. These all change the possible outcomes of that night. If he hadn't gone in the first place, and Stiles went alone, would he have been bitten instead? Would Scott have been dragged into all of this anyway, but without the protection and boost of being a werewolf and cured of his asthma? If he weren't the one bitten, and he saw everything Stiles gained from it, would he still have such a hatred for the bite? Or would he want it, like Erica did, to cure him and make him powerful and cool? But, let's assume Stiles doesn't get bitten either. The second half of Laura's body still hasn't been found, and Stiles has no reason to fear running back into the preserve the next day, and no real punishment from his father as far as we can tell. So, does he go back to look again? If he did, he would run into Derek, because Derek would still be there after retrieving Laura's body himself. He would see Derek and still recognize him, and from there, things might spiral, still involving Stiles in the supernatural, and it's likely Stiles would try to involve Scott, and Again we get hit with "Would Scott want the bite, if he hadn't gotten forcibly bitten in the first place?" The answer is probably yes. He wanted to be cool, and popular, and on the lacrosse team. He wanted everything being a werewolf gave him. BUT if we're looking at this wish as similar to "The Wish," then no matter what, Scott won't be bitten. He'll be transported to a new world where it just never happened, and he'll be human, and forced to watch everyone around him be just plain different. Scott not being bitten would isolate him from Stiles, if Stiles got involved in the spn anyway. We SAW how Stiles cut off his other friends once the spn starting getting in the way. He and Harley? We have no clue how close they were. They were close enough for her to tease him about his crush on Lydia, for her to wander up comfortably to the locker and talk to them. And he cut her off as soon as the werewolf stuff hit. What if he cut Scott off? To protect him, if nothing else, like he did his own father. Once he realized the danger involved, I doubt he would be willing to put Scott in harm's way.

So, Scott would not only lose first line, lose his girlfriend, lose his popularity, lose his health and strength and heightened abilities, lose his 'importance' to the goings-on of Beacon Hills, but he would also lose Stiles, who seems to have been his only friend, unless he also had a relationship with Harley.

Okay, I've rambled enough about the what if's, so let's talk about the Reason why this wish would go so badly for Scott, in such a different way than it went for Cordelia. Cordelia, first off, wished that someone Else would not have/do something, rather than wishing for herself not to have done something. She watches how fucked up the world gets, and how much worse her life is without Buffy around to save the day. Scott wished for Himself not to have done something (even something passive, like 'get bitten') and would have to watch how fucked up his world gets, and how far behind he would fall. The other's lives might not necessarily get better, because Peter is still on the loose, and the hunters are still there, etc etc, but they would still Progress, while Scott would stay stagnant.

And WHY is that? Because Scott isn't important to the story. It DOESN'T start with him. That's the Whole Point of his character. He is supposed to be the 'everyman' who gets dragged into crazy shit and becomes integral to things that he wasn't ever meant to be a part of. The guy who wanders into becoming King or 'The Hero' that will save the world, even though he's just a small lad from a tiny town, whose highest prospects were "get on first line."

He was NEVER supposed to be Buffy, or if he was, it was done Very Badly.

But Beacon Hills WASN'T a quiet town before Scott was bitten; however much he might've said 'nothing ever happens in this town.' It was FULL of bullshittery and magic from the very beginning. There was the fire, and Paige, and the blinding of Deucalion, and the death of Alexander Argent, and the Nogitsune in the internment camp nearby. All of these things were around So much longer than Scott's bite, and they'd been affecting the world that whole time too. Because yes, in Buffy, the master was There before she was, but he was literally rendered inert by the situations he was in. And the things he'd done happened Centuries before, not six years. There is a difference. Sunnydale was Not Known for the insane number of weird deaths. Beacon Hills was. And aside from the Nogitsune, every single fucking thing that happened in Beacon Hills, was attuned to the Hale family in one way or another. Deucalion's blinding occurred during a meeting on Hale land, because Talia was known as a wise leader, etc, in the area and other wolves flocked to her. Deucalion biting Argent seems unrelated (if you even believe Deucalion did that, despite being a fucking pacifist before Gerard blinded him), but again, it occurs just a couple hours away from Beacon Hills, which is Hale Territory. The one who plays the Buffy role here? Who shows up at just the right time, and launches themself against an endless wave of evil, with slightly enhanced senses and a thorough need to do good and not back away from things that 'aren't they're problem'? The actual hero who is somehow tied to everything going on in ways even they don't understand? Was Derek. The guy who entirely unwittingly allowed Julia Baccari to survive, because he was trying to be merciful to his first love. Who entirely unwittingly was manipulated into giving up information that let a hunter kill his family. Who followed his sister back to town after six years of just trying to survive in New York, fell into a fucking tragedy, and decided to stop the bad guys anyway, even though he knew he didn't stand a fucking chance.

And as annoyed as some might get. The 'everyman' who stumbles onto the set and accidentally becomes integral to the saving of the world? The one whose ambitions are small and who expectations are smaller? Who is misunderstood, and has abilities that aren't recognized or appreciated, that doesn't really fit in, but tries their best anyway? The literal Angel to Derek's Buffy?

Is fucking Stiles. The son of the sheriff who just could not let it go when he discovered there was something funky going on. Who hung around on the edges, even though he wasn't really wanted, because he needed to help. Who ended up saving Derek's life over and over, and becoming so important as to be Derek's anchor? Who literally WENT DARKSIDE and HAD TO BE NEARLY KILLED, even though Derek didn't to kill him???

I know how it sounds, but JD SAID he took inspiration from Buffy. The issue is that his parallels are between DEREK AND STILES, and BUFFY AND ANGEL. Respectively.

Derek might act like the broody bad boy, but it is STILES' mentality that matches Angel's behavior, and it's Derek who matches Buffy.

I'm so fucking off track. Scott would be miserable if he ever managed to get a wish and used it to keep from having been bitten. And it would be sad. I would feel bad for him, had I watched something like that happen. Seeing him realize that most of the good things he had, he only got because of the bite. That Stiles would still be on first line, that Lydia and Jackson would still be the popular kids. That Allison wouldn't know he existed, or if she did would avoid him entirely. That Jackson would never have been turned into the kanima in the first place. That everyone else would move on and up in life, and he would still be standing at the bottom step. Because it wasn't his actual limitations that were holding him back, it was his refusal to accept them, to work with them, and to just plain stop Envying Everyone Around him, and start living his own fucking life instead of trying to steal other people's.

Scott wishes he were Cordelia, and I promise that would backfire too.

[lilover131]

Syaoran and Kaito Analysis

So I’ve mentioned recently in a recent fanart and in my analysis of chapter 55, but I have noticed quite a few similarities between Syaoran and Kaito, and upon some observations, I have some theories, particularly in regards to how Kaito views Syaoran. I decided to delve into that a bit, so see under the cut for more! Warning: It’s long. I wrote a lot. >.<

 I have a lot to cover, so I thought it might be best to outline in the most simple way possible some things we already know about Kaito.

 ·         He was born gifted with incredible magic. His parentage is unknown and he was “alone for as long as he could remember”.

·         It’s unclear where Kaito originated from, but it seems he spent a majority of his life in England.

·         He has moon based magic and has a wide variety of talents, but specializes in time magic. It’s unclear if he already had a skill with time magic or if this was obtained after he met Momo. It seems implied that he made a magical contract with her and maybe gained his time abilities from this. But we do know he has the ability to fly, to locate objects, teleport, to talk to animals, and to make something vanish in a mere moment.  

·         He is also talented in housekeeping skills, such as sewing, cooking, etc.

·         He used to be very cold hearted and preferred spending time alone. Kaito changed considerably in personality at some point in his life. It is uncertain exactly what caused this change, but it seems likely that Akiho’s mother was the catalyst for this.

·         He is part of a very powerful group of magicians called as we know it ‘The Association’ and is revered as one of its most powerful with the title ‘D’. He recently betrayed them and left, taking Akiho with him.

·         He protects and seems to care for Akiho

·         He is preparing for an event labeled as “that time” and needs Sakura to create a specific card.

·         He is putting himself in extreme physical danger for his goals, seemingly for Akiho’s sake.

·         He has been noted as always smiling to ‘hide his pain’.

 So when I look at all of these facts about Kaito, I noticed something interesting. Syaoran too could be described by almost all of these things. You might think “Wait a minute Chrissy! Kaito and Syaoran are nothing alike!”, but please hear me out.

Syaoran too was born gifted with incredible magic. He also draws his power from the moon (a connection that has already been pointed out by CLAMP) and has a knack for household skills as well, being very independent from a young age. Like Kaito, he was cold hearted in his earlier years, preferred to be alone (according to Meiling in the original 90’s anime in episode 43), and had a drastic change in personality later on, particularly after meeting Sakura. Syaoran is part of a very powerful group of magicians as well, the Li clan, and is one of the strongest within it and destined to be the next leader. Similarly, Syaoran too is preparing for some kind of event, a future seen by his mother, and is doing everything to prevent this, even if it causes him physical harm (as we’ve seen with him struggling to conjure the Sakura cards). In order to keep Sakura in the dark as to not worry her, he has been using a smile to ‘hide his pain’.

Now you may be wondering “Okay, so they have a few things in common, but they are still completely different!”. And you would be right. They are two completely different people after all, but try to think of them as two sides of the same coin. This beckons another question: How did two people who are so similar turn out so differently?

This is really where their differences in personality shine through, but part of it I believe is due to their backgrounds as well. For example, Kaito was picked up by the Association at a young age due to his skills with magic and was taken in to “use that magical power to accomplish their own tasks”. Based on their record of not having a great reputation, according to Eriol, and their treatment of Akiho by assisting her Clan in turning her into a magical device, it seems likely that Kaito was not treated kindly by anyone in the Association. In fact, he was probably left alone nearly all of the time unless his strengths were needed, and took care of himself in the remainder of that time. He was surrounded by people but still completely alone, and he preferred to be this way. This cold background of his really prevented him from being able to open up his heart to anyone. But he does seem to be much different around Akiho.

Syaoran, on the other hand, was surrounded by loving and caring family members. Although he preferred to be alone in his earlier years, he wasn’t actually alone at all. His mother was protective of him (like cutting his hair until he was strong enough to protect himself from things like scissors near his neck), and his sisters adored him and undoubtedly showered him with love at every opportunity. But even with that love from them, he was still somewhat cold hearted (though not as much as Kaito) until he met Sakura.

Their backgrounds do differ from each other, but I think the biggest difference in them of all is how they handle their feelings. When Syaoran first started to realize his feelings for Sakura, he struggled quite a bit and was in a great amount of denial, even physically running away at times when confronted with them. It was when he finally came to terms with his heart and confessed his feelings to Sakura that he underwent a great change and became the Syaoran we know today.

So what about Kaito?

Well, Kaito I believe is in that same stage of denial where he is refusing to come to terms with his feelings, whatever those may be. It’s clear that he cares about Akiho, but when she or Momo try to have a serious discussion with him or get him to talk about those feelings, he goes out of his way to change the subject (or once with Momo, actually fled at the first opportunity, which is just like Syaoran used to do!). It is something he is clearly uncomfortable with, and I think that is because it is unfamiliar territory for him. He is used to not feeling anything at all, so having to actually think about his feelings and reasons for doing things is unbearably frightening. He can handle any magical opponent any day (except Sakura of course), but being open and honest about his feelings? That’s another battle entirely that he doesn’t know how to handle without his magic to use as a crutch.

Momo mentioned in chapter 39 how Kaito had made a great deal of changes, all so that Akiho could live comfortably and pleaded internally “peer deep inside your heart. And don’t avert your eyes”. This was said again in chapter 51 when she stated “I implore you Yuna D. Kaito. Listen…to your heart”.

In the very next chapter, it is none other than Syaoran who has a discussion with Sakura about how his mother had told him “If you possess great magic power…when you feel pounding and stirring in your chest…you shouldn’t ignore it. You need to listen to your intuition. I think that goes for everyone, magic or no magic. I don’t think anyone should turn a blind eye to their own heart”. We also know that in that same conversation with his mother, thanks to the mini chapter provided with the special edition of volume 9, that Yelan said to him then “If there’s something you want to accomplish, then training with your spells is surely important, but...more than anything else, you have to face your heart”. She went on to tell him how important it was to listen to his heart and that “If you lie to yourself, you will sadden the person who loves you so dearly”. 

And that, my friends, is the major reason for Syaoran and Kaito being so different despite their many similarities. One listens to his heart while the other adamantly turns away from it. This leads me to my next topic (thank you for anyone who has read this long into it. I appreciate it!), and that is in regards to Kaito’s feelings about Syaoran.

I have noticed that Kaito in general tends to act quite differently in regards to Syaoran than he does anyone else. It starts at the very first time they met, when they made their introductions. Despite working so diligently to keep himself hidden from Akiho and Sakura, he did the complete opposite with Syaoran. He had to have known that being able to sense his magic and being given his name and title, that Syaoran would go and research who he was. He wanted Syaoran in particular to know who he was, which I believe is also why he allowed him to speak with Eriol initially. I say allowed, because we know he clearly had the potential to cut off communications at any point in time, and he only stepped in to shut this down when Eriol started talking to the others (Kero and Yue). He clearly wanted to control what information people knew about him, and Eriol crossed a line. He also put spells on Syaoran that would not allow him to communicate with others about him, so again showing he wanted him to know about him, but not to be able to tell anyone else about him, especially Sakura.

Another occasion I found intriguing was chapter 34 in the scene with the pool. Kaito stopped time, but for some reason, allowed Syaoran to move freely as well. Why is this? He could have easily frozen Syaoran too, but he made a conscious decision to allow Syaoran to move.

Then we come to perhaps the most telling scene so far, which is the battle he and Syaoran had in chapter 41 and 42. In a moment where he could have easily stopped time and rewound so that Syaoran never approached him, he instead decided to have a full discussion with him and even go as far as to engage in battle with him in stopped time. In this ‘discussion’, he stated several facts that he knew about Syaoran, who was pointedly not responding to them and seemed solely focused on Sakura. Some of the details about him were probably common knowledge to the magical world, but some of them seemed oddly personal, such as him being a ‘diligent student’, as if to show he had been watching him for quite some time.

Something about the interaction was different than others. It was as if he was observing Syaoran in that moment to see how he would react to hearing certain things. He then mentioned after seeing Syaoran use the Sakura cards how rewriting a contract once written takes a toll on even the strongest magician and he said “Is this all…for Sakura too?”. I think what he was trying to say here is that he recognizes the efforts he’s making for Sakura and may even feel a connection to him because of his own efforts for his own wish.

In chapter 42, continuing on with this conversation, Kaito seemed ready to turn back time the moment he realized they were no longer alone and that Sakura was able to move, but he still had more to say. Syaoran reacted to Sakura calling out for him, and it was at this moment that Kaito said “You certainly are honest, aren’t you? One look at your face, and I know exactly what you’re thinking” (even Eriol made several comments about Syaoran’s honesty in the original series). Once again, he’s showing here that he’s observing Syaoran, but why? For what reason does he bring this up? I think he says this because it is something so foreign to him and fascinates him. Kaito is so used to hiding his feelings and being unable to express them, but Syaoran is the complete opposite in the fact that he can so easily show his feelings and it is not his nature to conceal them. Kaito followed this by bringing up that Syaoran had suppressed that honesty when he came to Japan, which we know was through his fake smiles (something he is all too familiar with). Yue also said to Syaoran in chapter 27 that he had been hiding behind a smile and ordinarily was much more unrestrained in how he expressed his emotions, no matter what that emotion may be.

I wonder if Kaito said this because he wondered “how is it that he’s able to be so honest?” or maybe he was trying to show that he understood his reasons for hiding behind a smile, pointing out the similarities between them; that they were not so different despite having different goals. Kaito’s next comment in particular is probably what caught my attention the most. He divulged the detail about how Syaoran suppressed his honesty particularly to try and prevent the future that his mother saw. Even Syaoran seemed surprised by this, and he had good reason to be! This was likely a very personal moment, one he hasn’t even told Sakura about yet, and this implies that he might have been there when this particular moment happened. It makes sense too, considering Akiho had stated in her very first appearance that she was in Hong Kong just before coming to Japan, meaning she and Kaito were certainly there at the same time Syaoran was, at least for a brief time. This means he probably saw all the effort he was putting in for Sakura’s sake and maybe this resonated with him. I think maybe he also saw how his older sisters, even though they had no magic of their own, are treated with respect in the Li clan, unlike Akiho with her own. Kaito has only ever known a world where those who are strong are used and those who are weak are deemed worthless (like Akiho), but yet Syaoran lives in a world where both live harmoniously. Sakura’s world in Tomoeda is the same as well and filled with kindness, far different from any other experience Kaito has had, and this must have been quite the culture shock! But more importantly, Syaoran and Sakura have all the things that he and Akiho never had.

Another interesting thing to note here is that Kaito was supposedly expelled from the association about a year ago due to stealing a powerful magical instrument that was forbidden to be taken (which we now know to be Akiho herself). And guess what else happened about a year ago? About a year ago, Syaoran went back to Hong Kong to handle his ‘important things’. Coincidence? Well, famously CLAMP series often say there is no such thing as coincidence...only hitsuzen. 

Just as he is about to send another attack at Syaoran, he talks about how he and Syaoran both do not have the power of divination, but that “it is for the strong to decide…what the future holds in store for us all”. I think what he meant here is “Neither of us know how this is going to turn out, but the both of us are working hard for our own goals, so may the best man win”. However, before he could go any further, Sakura used TRANSFER to switch places, and he is both surprised by this, but quite quickly decides to end things and rewind time at this moment, indicating that he had not really wanted to engage with Sakura at all at this point in time. He had even stated at the beginning of chapter 42 that he had intended to keep her frozen and only have Syaoran able to move, meaning this whole situation had only been kept going for this long so that he could talk to Syaoran.

After rewinding time and talking to Akiho later that evening, he mentioned how Parent’s day was “quite illuminating”. This could have been said about his newfound knowledge of Fujitaka, but I also believe he learned quite a bit from Syaoran as well.

Now we finally get to the more recent chapters, like 54 and 55. While sitting together at the botanical garden, Kaito puts yet another spell on Syaoran to force him to smile against his will to avoid any suspicion. I feel like this was not just to keep the peace but also somewhat of a way to toy with and tease Syaoran. What better way to get under the skin of someone so honest and open with their feelings than to force them to hide these under a smile unwillingly? I think this was the mischievous side of Kaito showing and almost like a big brother teasing a little brother, but unfortunately for him, he pushed things too far with this, and not only did Sakura notice something was wrong, but this allowed the spell to be broken, and Syaoran wasted absolutely zero time saying the things he had been suppressed in saying before.

Cue to chapter 55, our most recent chapter. Sakura has managed to keep herself from being frozen in time, and she starts off with a few basic questions. The first one was if he knew about her being able to use cards. Kaito answered simply “Yes”. But when asked about if he knew about Syaoran, he gave two very specific details about him, particularly that he knew he was a gifted sorcerer and that he was the next head of the Li clan”. He could have just answered yes, the same way he responded in regards to Sakura, but instead he seems to have wanted Sakura to know in that moment that he knows a lot of information about Syaoran and not just that he can use magic. The two then exchange meaningful looks, and it’s right after this that she looks over to Syaoran and Akiho, looking almost worried. Now, it’s not clear what they were both thinking in this moment, and it’s possible that I am overthinking this one, but I find it fascinating that his answer was so detailed here, and I don’t feel like that was for nothing. Ohkawa has always been very thoughtful about the words she writes in her scripts, and I think this is no exception.

Anyways, I feel like we’ll get more definitive answers in the future, but I’m incredibly intrigued to see if there are any further and more concrete connections between them. I feel like CLAMP has done quite a bit to point out similarities between the two, and it should be a wild ride from here on out!!

[nim-lock]

Art Career Tips, 2021 Edition

Here’s an edited version of my 2019 answered ask, because... this feels relevant. 

It is a problem of capitalism that folks equate their income as a judgement of their value as people; and let me preface. You are worth so much. You have inherent value in this world. Your income is not a judgement on who you are (plenty of billionaires are actively making the world worse). LARPing self-confidence will go a long way to helping you get paid more for your work, because clients will believe that you know what you are doing, and are a professional. 

& real quick—my own background is that I’ve been living off my art since 2018. I went to art school (Pratt Institute). I work in a publishing/educational materials sphere, and a quarter of my income is my shop. Not all of this information may apply to you, so it is up to you to look through everything with a critical eye, and spot pick what is relevant. 

So there are multiple ways of getting income as an artist; 

Working freelance or full-time on projects

Selling your stuff on a shop

Licensing (charging other companies to use your designs)

This post primarily covers the freelance part; if you’re interested in the other bits there is absolutely info out there on the internet. 

IF you are just starting (skip to next section if not applicable) dream big, draw often (practice helps you get better/more efficient), do your best to take "a bad piece” lightly. You’re gonna RNG this shit. At some point your rate of “good” works will get higher. Watch tutorial videos & read books. A base understanding of “the rules”; anatomy, perspective, composition, color helps you know what the rules are to break them. This adds sophistication to your work. One way you can learn this stuff is by doing “studies”—you’re picking apart things from life, or things other people have done, to see what works, and how it works. 

Trying to turn your interests into a viable career means that you are now a SMALL BUSINESS; it really helps to learn some basic marketing, graphic design, figure out how to write polite customer service emails; etc. You can learn some of this by looking it up, or taking skillshare (not sponsored) classes by qualified folks. Eventually some people may get agents to take care of this for them—however, I do recommend y’all get a basic understanding of what it takes to do it on your own, just so you can know if your agent is doing a good job. 

Making sure your portfolio fits the work you want to get

Here is a beginner portfolio post. 

Research the field you’d like to get into. The amount people work, the time commitment, the process of making the thing, the companies & people who work for them. 

Create work that could fit in to the industry you’re breaking into. For example, if you want to do book cover illustration, you draw a bunch of mockup book covers, that can either be stuff you make up, or redesigns of existing books. If you’re not 100% sure what sort of work is needed for the industry, loop back into the portfolios of artists in a similar line of work as whatever you’re interested in, and analyze the things they have in common. If something looks to be a common project (like a sequence of action images for storyboard artists), then it’s probably something useful for the job. 

CLIENTS HIRE BASED ON HOW WELL THEY THINK YOUR WORK FITS WHAT THEY WANT. If they’re hiring for picture books, they’re gonna want to see picture book art in your portfolio, otherwise they may not want to risk hiring you. Doesn’t have to be 100% the project, but stuff similar enough. If you aren’t hired, it doesn’t mean your work is bad, it just wasn’t the right fit for that specific client. 

If you have many interests, make a different section of your portfolio for each!

Making sure you’re relevant 

Have a social media that’s a little more public-facing, and follow people in the career field you’re interested in. Fellow artists, art directors, editors, social media managers; whoever. Post on your own schedule. 

Interact with their posts every so often, in a non-creepy way. 

If you’ve made any contacts, great! Email these artists, art directors, editors, former professors, etc occasional updates on your work to stay in touch AND make sure that they think about you every so often.

Show up to general art events every once in a while! If you keep showing up to ones in your area (when... not dying from a sneeze is a thing), folks will eventually start to remember you. 

Industry events & conferences can be pricey, so attend/save up for what makes sense for you. Industry meetups are important for networking in person! In addition to meeting people with hiring power, you also connect with your peers in the community. Always bring a portfolio & hand out business cards like candy. 

Active job hunting

Apply to job postings online.

If interested in working with specific people at specific companies, you could send an email “I’d love to work with you, here’s my portfolio/relevant experience”, even if they aren’t actively looking for new hires. Be concise, and include a link to your work AND attached images so the person reading the email can get a quick preview before clicking for more. 

Twitter job postings can be pretty underpaid! Get a copy of the Graphic Artists’ Guild Handbook Pricing & Ethical Guidelines to know your rate. I once had a twitter post job listing email me back saying that other illustrators were charging less, and I quote, “primarily because they’re less experienced and looking for their first commission”. This was not okay! For reference, this was a 64-illustration book. The industry rate of a children’s book (~36 pages) is $10k+, and this company’s budget was apparently $1k. For all of it. 

Congrats you got a job! Now what?

Ask for like, 10% more than they initially offer and see if they say yes. If they do, great! If not, and the price is still OK, great! Often company budgets are slightly higher than they first tell you, and if you get this extra secret money, all the better for you. 

Make sure you sign a contract and the terms aren’t terrible (re: GO GET THE  Graphic Artists’ Guild Handbook Pricing & Ethical Guidelines) 

Be pleasant and easy to work with (Think ‘do no harm but take no shit’)

Communicate with them as much as needed! If something’s going to be late, tell them as soon as you know so they aren’t left wondering or worse, reaching out to ask what’s up. 

And if all goes well, they’ll contact you about more jobs down the line, or refer you to other folks who may need an artist, etc. 

Quick note about online shops/licensing and why they’re so good

It’s work that you do once, that you continuously make money off of. Different products do well in different situations (conventions vs. online, and then further, based on how you market/the specific groups you are marketing to), so products that may not do well initially may get a surge later on. 

Start with things that have low minimum order quantity and are relatively cheap to produce, like prints and stickers. 

If you are not breaking even, go back to some of the earlier portions of this and think about how you could tweak things as a small business. Ease of access is also very important with this; for example, if you only take orders through direct messages, that immediately shuts off all customers who don’t like talking to strangers. 

Quick resource that you could look through; it’s the spreadsheet of project organizing that I made a while back 

Licensing is when people pay you for the right to use your work on stuff they need to make, like textbooks or greeting cards. This is generally work you’ve already made that they are paying the right to use for a specified time or limited run of products. This is great because you’ve already done the work. I am not the expert on this. Go find someone else’s info.

“I am not physically capable of working much”/ “I need to pay the bills”

Guess who got a hand injury Sept 2020 that messed me up that entire month! I had a couple jobs going at the time that I was terrified of losing, but they were quite understanding when I told them I needed to heal. So:  Express your needs as early as you know you need them. Also do lots of stretches and rest your hands whenever you feel anything off; this will save your health later. Like, the potential of a couple months of no income was preferable over losing use of my hands for the rest of my life.

This continues to apply if you have any other life situation. Ask for extra time. Ask for clarification. If you tell people ahead of time, folks are often quite understanding. Know how much you are capable of working and do your best not to overdo it. (I am.. bad at this)

Do what MAKES SENSE for your situation. If doing art currently earns you less money than organizing spreadsheets, then do that for now, and whenever you have the energy, break down some of the tips above into actionable tiny chunks, and slowly work at em. 

The original ask I got in 2019 mentioned ‘knowing you’re not good enough yet’. Most artists experience imposter syndrome & self-doubt—the important thing is to do your best, and if anything, attempt to channel the confidence of a mediocre white man. If he can apply to this job/charge hella money for Not Much, then so can you! 

Check out this Art Director tumblr for more advice!

Danichuatico’s Literary Agent guide

Kikidoodle’s Shop Shipping Tutorial

Best of luck!

–

Once again disclaimer this post is just the ramblings of a man procrastinating on other things that need to be done. I’ve Long Posted my own post so that it turns into mush in my brain if I try to read it, but I wrote this so I should know this content. If you got down here, congrats. Here’s a shrimp drawing.

Yee Ha. 

My reference post tag My tip jar

[syscourseside]

Just saw that you're a minor so I'm not going to engage in this after this because I'm assuming you're behaving this way because of your age. I'll try to approach this more kindly because of this. I'm also blocking because your assumptions about me are kind of uncomfortable especially as I was very cautious not to make any about you. I honestly believe you are experiencing the symptoms you claim, I have no reason not to, and I genuinely truly hope that you're able to get help if you're struggling. We will probably unblock once we're more comfortable with it in case you'd like to ask us to take it down, I used to get quite anxious with any online discourse as a teen so I understand if you end up deciding this seems like too much for you at all. Genuinely wish the best for you.

The DSM doesn't list it because of dissociative amnesia. Many patients don't remember trauma so it can't be a criteria. And the science does say that, I've talked to multiple DID specialists about it and read as many studies on the cause as I've been able to find. Every single study on the cause I've ever read in my life concluded it was trauma.

You're the one who's tagging things as anti-endo. My tags are literally all related to DID, I made this blog because I want us to have our own space. If you don't want to be involved in the traumagenic community I'd genuinely recommend not interacting with us, I'm not trying to be snarky with this at all. If it makes you uncomfortable you have the right to set boundaries and not reblog posts or tag things anti endo. Block people you don't want to talk to. You're allowed to curate your online experience to what makes you comfortable, and again I really wholly mean this as genuine advice.

Idk what you mean by this, sorry.

Yes, because many patients don't remember trauma. Dissociation happens because of trauma. That is considered the psychological cause of dissociation. The majority of studies on it indicate this. I prefer to listen to what the science says.

Yes, but to act like it's the fault of people who believe DID is a trauma-based disorder is shifting the blame. There's a huge stigma toward multiplicity in general, and not enough therapists know how to recognize it.

It's harmful because it undermines everything we know about the disorder. It's actively going against everything we know about how it develops and why. It's also just generally quite offensive imo to tell someone who had to split because they went through horrible childhood trauma that you have the same thing as them when you didn't experience that. Again, idc if people identify as endo, but please don't claim to have the same thing as us because we had to develop this out of necessity.

You don't have to claim trauma. I was told I had it before every disclosing trauma. Psychologists are aware of the fact that many patients are not aware of their childhood.

It does not mean that. 20% do not report physical abuse ALONE. 10% do not report sexual abuse alone. Only 4.8% report to not have experienced either. That means only 4.8% don't report physical AND sexual abuse, but many DID patients do report other traumas. If you're interested in the studies on it, there are quite a lot on google scholar.

I'm not trying to say endos don't exist, I'm simply saying they do not have DID and shouldn't claim to. We went through hell in childhood and deserve to have our own spaces. I never said anyone wasn't important, everyone is. I think it's completely possible that there is a such thing as something similar to DID without trauma, I simply think it's completely rational for us to want to be able to talk about how our disorder formed with people who understand us in our own community. You have a right to yours.

TW for not graphic mentions of childhood trauma and kind of aggressive language lol, I'm annoyed

"DID isn't a trauma disorder, it's a dissociative disorder."

Uh huh, so we're going to ignore that dissociation is literally inherently associated with trauma? That when you Google literally any dissociative disorder, even more "mild" ones like dpdr, the main cause is listed as trauma on the majority of sources? That over 90% of DID cases report CSA/CPA alone, not even taking into account other forms of trauma like EA, neglect, medical trauma, etc?

There are a bunch of mental health conditions that are thought to be genetic, like many mood disorders, but they're not going to be classified as genetic disorders because the main symptoms of the disorder are associated with affect, not with the root cause of the disorder.

It's a dissociative disorder because the primary symptom is dissociation. That doesn't mean the cause isn't trauma. Dissociation happens when something is too upsetting or stressful to be fully present for. Be serious.

[shirophantomvox]

Flower Pedals Hisoka x reader Part 2

Part 1

❤️♣️❤️♣️

As the day went on, Hisoka volunteered as a chaperone to your younger cousins. They wanted to play in the water while Hisoka sat under a coconut tree, sipping on a strawberry margarita. It would be pointless for an intoxicated man to be a chaperone but he is quite immune to heavy alcohol. Somehow, the sun’s beautiful reflection made Hisoka look like the man you slowly fell for. His job as a bodyguard for the most dangerous mafia in the country, his ability to speak French like a flipped switch, and of course his bulging muscles. Seeing him interact well with your cousins made him seem father-like. But why did he have to act so egotistical? Why couldn’t he be like the guys you saw on the Hallmark channel? Is being loved that hard to ask for? Then the hurtful incident earlier that day entered your mind once again. You didn’t want to break up with Hisoka but it was the only choice.

A tear ran down your face, something you hadn’t done in a while. A silent weep is something everyone needs to do once in a while but weeping in front of others can feel humiliating. Suddenly, you hear a knock on your door and someone enters without your permission. You quickly wiped your tears away and turned around quickly expecting it to be Hisoka. Instead, it was your beloved uncle smiling with a DVD in one hand and popcorn in the other but once he got a quick glimpse of your sad face, his smile disappeared. This time he didn’t run to your rescue but rather asked what’s wrong from a distance. He already knew it had to do with Hisoka but he was curious to hear more.

“Is it about your boyfriend?”

“Yes…”

“Did he hurt you?”

“Physically, no. Emotionally, yes. He has flirted with many people and disregards that I am there. He used to be all over me and now he acts as if I do not exist!”

“That’s horrible. But I have to break it to you. Some men like it when their significant others are jealous. It’s thrilling to them. If you dislike that, you should tell him.”

“I have! He will not listen to me!”

Your uncle grunted in anger and shook his head. He placed his index finger and thumb under his chin, thinking hard about something. Tears rolled from your eyes and felt like they could not stop.

“Come with me, darling.”

Following behind your uncle like a 5-year-old, he led the way to his newly renovated basement, and in that basement stood something that mimicked a lab. He removed a large blanket that covered a table full of glass test tubes and pink liquid. You were hopelessly confused as to why your uncle was smiling at his little creation.

“Uncle…what is all this?”

“Can you guess?”

“Sorry. I have no idea what it is.”

“It’s a love potion!”

You gasp and step back rather far from him. You frowned, not believing what your uncle has told you. Love potions were depicted and always fictional; they simply don’t exist. Hell, Cupid DOES NOT exist and yet he claims that he has made a love potion?! You have always known your uncle to be a wacky man but NOT THIS wacky! Not only did he have a small test tube of this love potion but he had at least 100 small bottles of it too!

“Uncle….don’t tell me…”

“Maybe Hisoka can take a shot of this…”

“U/N! No! That’s wrong!”

“Huh?”

“If he doesn’t love me anymore, I’ll break up with him. Plain and simple.”

“But y/n!-“

“No buts!”

Gosh, you sound like your aunt!

“Why do you have that anyway? I could have sworn you and auntie madly in love anyway.”

“We are….” He stopped talking for a brief moment as he made his way to the door. He did not want your aunt to overhear him speak or else she’d have his head.

“We’ve had a few tiffs lately and she is being distant. I was thinking of giving her this potion.”

“You can’t just…give her that! What if she’s allergic to any ingredient you put in there?”

“SHHH! It’s not a drug, ok darling? It’s essentially a cupid’s arrow in liquid form.”

“Oh yeah! And Santa Claus is real, right? Come on Unc. I’m going to sleep now.”

“Y/N wait! Wait!” Your uncle ran up the stairs after you to try and have an actual heart-to-heart conversation with you. In reality, The love potion wasn’t anything that would harm Hisoka or your auntie; it was something that everyone had. This “love potion” has many variants in the market already. It has its own juice, pop, and merchandise line. When people gave testimonies about them falling madly in love with their partners, you thought it was an absolute joke!

The day had reached 11 PM. The sun had set for the day and the bright stars shined brightly against the beach. Chrollo and the others had left hours ago probably forgetting that you and Hisoka had tagged along. As you cleared the dinner table, the love potion sat there, in its small slender glass frame. This had been extracted so it could be digested but still, you didn’t go anywhere near it.

“Don’t leave this unattended. If a person drinks too much, they’ll become a fool for you and as romantic as that sounds, it can be VERY overwhelming.”

As you turned the lights off downstairs, the front door barreled open. Your eyes had been adjusted to light for the last few hours; seeing in the dark was nearly impossible. But one thing is for sure, that infamous bubble gum small dashed towards your nostrils.

Hisoka.

The lights turned on once again and this time, they began to flicker a little. Hisoka’s piercing golden eyes were able to grab a hold of yours instantly. It felt like you were paralyzed with sudden fear and anger. So many emotions raged throughout your body; your brain sending many signals to the various parts of your body. Both of your cousins come running in, arms stuck out like airplanes zooming all through the living room. One flew underneath Hisoka’s legs and the other flew many times around you. Their sudden joy made you smile a little; they were so full of joy and hope…that is until they grow up.

“I like your boyfriend, y/n!”

“Yeah! He’s so fun! He taught me how to play Poker!”

“You what?!”

“Hey! She needs to know in case she needs to make some cash.”

“Ok, you two. Up to bed. Mom and Dad are waiting for you.”

Both of your cousins zoom into their rooms making loud airplane noises.

“I must admit, I see potential in those kids. They made their own marshmallows, mingled amongst people their age, and even reminded me when their bedtime was.”

He looked from the staircase to you. “Thank you for—“ he stopped as he looked at your angry face.

“—Are you still mad about earlier?”

“What do you think, jerk?”

“Would you stop playing hard to get? You haven’t given me a kiss today.” He bent down and puckered his lips, expecting you to respond. Instead, you turn the lights off leaving a kiss-less Hisoka in the dark. Hisoka stood in the middle of the dark living room beyond confused at your actions.

Finally! Alone at last. No one to interrupt your thoughts or sleep, just you in your auntie’s guest room. The bed was extra comfy! It was so fluffy that it almost made you get up and inside Hisoka to sleep with you.

“No. He needs to learn his lesson,” you thought to yourself. Besides, a non-married couple sleeping in the same bed together was NOT going to fly in this house. Before you knew it, your eyes were closed for what felt like 20 minutes but were actually 8 hours. The sun beamed through the curtains acting as your silent alarm clock. Stretching your muscles and yawing felt amazing after a good night’s sleep. Checking your phone was a reflex but feeling an odd source of shadows made you freeze. As you slowly turned around, Hisoka was laying in your bed, with his boxers on, smiling, and gawking at you; something he’d never done. You thought rubbing your eyes twice would make him go away, but he was still there in the flesh. Still angry about yesterday's encounter, you stare at him plainly.

“What in the world are you doing here, Hisoka?”

“To be with you, of course, my dear.” His tone was much softer; it felt as if he was barely moving his tongue. His lips slightly puckered as he spoke. Your boyfriend was always mysterious but it can be said that he was never predictable.

“What are you talking about?”

He scoots closer to you; his bare chest rubbing against your right arm. He places his left arm around your neck pulling you closer. So close that you could feel the heat radiating from his body. He took his index knuckle, placed it under your chin, and lifted.

“Oh, how I missed your face…the sound of your voice…my heart aches for you.”

You blink twice.

Am I dreaming? What is going on here?!

“Hisoka—“

He placed his index finger over your lips; his long nail gently scratches the top part. “Shhh….” Quickly but softly, Hisoka gives you a kiss but not just an ordinary kiss, one that is very breathtaking. His lips were much softer than you remember and a lot moister. He didn’t force anything; he gently moved his lips to make you more comfortable. What felt like a lifetime was truly only 10 seconds and on the 11th, he parted. Gazing into his golden eyes this time made your heart skip a beat. You remained silent, slightly afraid to say a word as he stared into your eyes deeply. This was not his blood-lust look at all but awfully similar. His eyes were half-lidded but they were soft, much softer than you had seen before. Just as you were about to say something, he gently grabs your face and begins to kiss you all around without remorse. This overwhelming amount of affection not only made you bluff but be utterly embarrassed if your aunt and uncle caught you two in this state. It’s more of the family “aww’ ing” than anything else.

“How did Hisoka suddenly do a 360 from last night?”

“Might as well enjoy this while it lasts.”

Hisoka continued to place soft kisses. He began to pepper your lower jaw with them, earning a slightly satisfied grunt from yourself. He then professed his love for you as he kissed you in between phrases. The magician himself was as red as an apple while you were a giggling mess. He moved his lips to another part of your body. His hand kisses felt amazing once more. He moved his way up your arm and to your shoulder.

“You smell terrific, kitten,” he said in a lower huskier voice.

You growl in response; something so embarrassing that you are happy your nosy little cousins did not hear.

“You’re so adorable, kitten. So delicate that I’d be afraid to touch. So beautiful like the colors and aroma omitting from a blossom tree.”

“I love you to the moon and back.”

Before Hisoka said another word, he placed his right hand where the bottom of your head and neck met. He gently caressed it as he pressed his forehead against yours. The soft feeling of his nose moving swiftly against yours felt like ecstasy. Nothing could ruin this moment.

“Hisoka’s a simp!”

Both of you jerked your heads to the door. Through the crack, you could see two curious pairs of eyes, staring into your room. Before Hisoka could leave the bed, you jump over him and march to the door.

“You know, it’s rude to stalk people in their bedrooms.”

“And? It’s rude for you to be staying the night in my beach house and not giving us any money. Hand it over sis.”

You close the door and jump back into bed with your new boyfriend. Hisoka practically had hearts in his eyes. It’s as if he saw no one but you.

Maybe he has changed….

Your uncle’s voice could be heard a distance away and that’s when it hit you.

“Don’t leave this unattended. If a person drinks too much, they’ll become a fool for you and as romantic as that sounds, it can be VERY overwhelming.”

Oh shit! Where is the potion?! No! It was left on the table last night!”

"Really, Unc? I think I can deal with this. After all, he is less insufferable. I’ve always wanted my beau back and I hope he remains this way…falling on his knees before me."

To be continued....

[sageinacage]

Why I am leaving this blog

This is the truth as of why I'm abandoning my tumblr, @/sageinacage.

CW: swearing/harsher language; mentions of breaking boundaries, sexualization, bondage, non-con/tickle torture, kinks, toxicity, overall rly uncomfortable topics

TLDR at the bottom.

Before I start, I want to say that I’m not talking about everyone in this community. Not everyone is like this, but still a lot of people are, and unfortunately the negatives are louder than the positives.

Having this blog was quite an adventure. It definitely had its ups and downs, but I was quick to notice that it had a majority of downs instead of ups. As of now, I'm dreading being on this page.

I don't feel comfortable here anymore and it's incredibly hard for me to feel any sense of safety in this community, and I honestly feel personally ashamed to be in the MCYT tickle community with the bullshit me and others have seen and experienced.

People go around on anonymous and practically harass creators, I've seen so many rude anons get sent to myself, my friends, and people on my dash. People are also breaking CC's boundaries left and right, and no one will listen to anyone when it's spoken up about. I remember making a post stating that if you send anon hate then DNI, and I lost 4 followers. So disappointing. Actually after I took a screenshot of my boundary/trigger list and posted it, someone sent me an ask and did EXACTLY what was listed in my triggers. It went fully against my boundaries, and it caused me to feel scared whenever I get a notification in my inbox, because I’m scared that somebody is trying to purposely trigger me again; and I shouldn’t have to be on Tumblr with such paranoia as I’m experiencing.

Going onto the topic of the more weird and uncomfortable side of the community, I also remember I made a post a while ago saying "if you support putting minors in heavy bondage, then unfollow," and I lost 5+ followers. To put it bluntly, that’s fucking disgusting. For those people to admit for putting minors in a borderline NSFW situation, since heavy bondage is quite literally something that only happens in the kink world and there’s nothing wholesome or cute about it, and for them to admit to doing it, is fucking weird. Though, I’m thankful those people got off my blog.

I have literally seen someone post art of c!Ranboo in heavy restraints and it didn’t even look remotely fun or consensual. It was pictured, or at least my friends and I interpreted it, that he was being tickle tortured and it was non-con. Though, it’s to be expected when the art is a dark-lit room with an intense tickle machine with heavy bondage, with a blindfold and what looks he is genuinely struggling. What made me even more uncomfortable is that an adult drew it. Another person wrote a fic of c!Ranboo in a lot of bondage with the sign “tickle toy” attached to him. That’s fucking weird. That’s practically something that never gets condoned in a strictly SFW sense. The sad part is that others and I have seen a lot of this happening around.

I was actually informed that an artist the other day on another MCYT tickle server drew literal non-con tickle art of Technoblade (/srs). I was revolted. The worst part is, some people didn't even have an issue with it and reacted to the image with heart emojis. For someone to draw non-con in a completely SFW server filled with a bunch of minors is creepy and weird. Non-con isn't a fun thing, and so many people, including me, have horrible experiences related to it; and for someone to turn it into a "heehee fun tickle" situation is fucked up. For someone to even fantasize non-con as a tickle fantasy just makes me feel sick. There are a few fics like this I've seen as well, unfortunately.

Related to non-con things, I've actually gotten a request before asking me to write Schlatt literally tickle torturing Tubbo, and multiple asks that are similar to that; even when on my request rules it stated not to ask for things related to that. Anything with the word "torture" in it is not consensual, especially in the context it was in. I’ve probably had to delete around 5–8 asks in total from my inbox that were related to non-con or torturous things, even after I already stated in my rules I do not write that stuff.

Another thing I've seen is romantic-esque things written with CCs and then the creator slaps a "/p" onto it, and all of a sudden it's okay? Ranboo has even stated in a stream that he is uncomfortable with his IRL self being written/drawn cuddling his friends, and I see so many fics and concepts of IRL Ranboo cuddling in some way (which I've spoken out about before, but again, no one listened).

Moving on, I've probably met the most toxic people in this community than any others I've been apart of- and I've been apart of a lot, I've been on Tumblr on different blogs since I was 11. For some reason, so many people love to guilt trip here (both my friends and I have noticed and experienced a bunch of people doing it in this community), and the people who get called out for it avoid apologizing like the plague. A person in this community made me and a few others literally scared to say no and scared to advocate for our boundaries, because of how much we got guilt tripped. And no, no one received an apology. But still, people DEFENDED this person, even though me and other people spoke out and explained how this person hurt us. That’s so fucking upsetting. I automatically don’t feel safe in a community where people willingly associate with a literal manipulator and someone who hurt probably over 10 people in total (/srs).

Another thing I've noticed is that so many people seem entitled to something. For example, when I got practically harassed by anons for my discomforts/triggers, basically trying to squeeze out reasoning. No one needs to explain their boundaries/discomforts to you, and this community doesn't understand that from what I've experienced; after being harassed by multiple people on anonymous multiple times, all of which were because of personal reasons I was not obligated to share. No one should be able to say that they got harassed by people on anon for their OWN BOUNDARIES. ON 3 DIFFERENT OCCASIONS AS WELL.

Long story short, I can’t help my triggers. Each of my triggers has developed from trauma I’ve gone through or a bad experience, and I shouldn’t even have to defend myself for my triggers/discomforts if people were respectful and weren’t so fucking entitled for an explanation. So many people in this community can’t mind their own business, and I unfortunately had to learn that the hard way.

I've also seen people project onto IRL CCs. Those are real and breathing people. I understand doing it for comfort, but, the CCs have a literal character that people can project onto, but for some reason, people have to push their things onto real life people. I’ve seen someone headcannon IRL Tommy as trans. That's like the same as your friend "headcannoning" you, a real person, as a different sexuality that isn't what you identify with, and one you may not even be OK with being seen as, and without knowing if you're comfortable with it or not. It's weird.

There are more points I could bring up and more specific things I could state, but I think you got the gist of why I'm leaving. I don't feel comfortable being a member in a community which a lot of its members condone in this stuff.

This is the reason why I'm only active in the MCYT tickle community on Discord, because my server, "Mcytickles," actually respects CCs boundaries and is truly an SFW server, and people are respectful towards each other. It's the only safe space I have in this community anymore, so please do not join it if you exhibit any of these things on this post.

No, I will not be coming back, so please do not try to convince me to stay. I’ve been wanting to leave for about a month now, so this isn’t some impulsive decision. I’ve been in the MCYT tickle community since April, and these problems have always existed but have just gotten worse and more extreme, so I’m leaving for my own mental health and to protect myself from further harm than what I’ve already received.

TLDR: I am leaving this blog and the MCYT tickle community on Tumblr due to the many boundary breaking and unacceptable behaviors I've seen be exhibited, and it makes me not feel safe and comfortable to be here anymore.

I want to thank my mutuals, though. You were all awesome and such kind and loving people, and I’m happy to be your guys’ mutual. I want to thank those who were always so nice to me and hyping up my work, and those who were respectful to everyone and advocated for boundaries. Thank you so much for everything, moots <3 (/gen)

[eliemo]

Living in Denial

Janus’s pov in “Waiting Arms”

Summary: Janus had been a careful observer lately, noting with a sort of sad fondness how the other sides treated Virgil. He'd never seen him so content.

TWs: mention of past abuse

Masterpost

Taglist: @self-taught-mess @itawalrus @mygenderisidiot @a-very-gay-raccoon @dawnfire7 @cr4zyart @ray-does-stuff @whydoifeeltheneedtoorganizestuff @bunny222  @the-blue-recluse @bisexualdisaster106 (let me know if you want to be added or if I missed you)

To his own credit, Janus had been piecing things together before Roman even walked in the room.

He’d been a careful observer lately, noting with a sort of sad fondness how the other sides treated Virgil. They were careful around him, but not overly so. The four of them were clearly close, a tight knit “family” as they called it.

It wasn’t Janus’s department, but he could see the love and adoration in their eyes when they looked at each other. He’d never seen Virgil so...content. It was a bittersweet feeling.

So the idea that Roman, Patton, and Logan had been physically abusing Virgil this entire time didn’t quite add up. In fact, it seemed a rather ridiculous conclusion to come to.

If Virgil hadn’t been trembling on the floor, begging him and Remus not to hurt him (hurt him again), and shakily confessing that he had been hurt before, it never would have crossed Janus’s mind as a possibility.

And so, it wasn’t hard to come to the realization that Virgil probably hadn't been talking about to light sides.

By all logical reasoning (Logan would be pleased) he’d been talking about the Others. The less prominent, sometimes cruel parts of Thomas that would never fully manifest. The sides he, Virgil, and Remus had unfortunately spent a lot of time around for quite a few years.

Virgil’s behavior, his words, his panic, the way the light sides acted around him, it all pointed to the glaringly obvious conclusion that Virgil was recovering from the treatment the others had put him through.

Janus put the pieces together in a matter of seconds. He’d then promptly shoved it aside and jumped on board with Remus’s assumption as he stood in front of his brother, keeping Roman away from the anxious side falling deeper and deeper into panic on the kitchen floor.

Maybe it was selfish, but he could blame it on the fact that he wasn’t thinking very clearly at the moment.

He’d snarled at Roman, demanding the Prince explain what he’d done to Virgil, despite being almost entirely convinced at this point that Roman had done nothing but help him feel safe. Possibly for the first time in Anxiety’s life.

He denied the truth, despite how plainly it was laid out in front of him, because it was easier. Because accepting the truth meant accepting the fact that Virgil had undergone horrible treatment and Janus had done nothing.

All the nagging doubts he’d brushed aside, all the little white lies he’d caught onto and ignored, all the shaking hands and wide eyed, haunted looks that he’d chalked up to just another one of Virgil’s eccentricities. (He was Anxiety, after all, he was bound to be a bit jumpy by nature) All of that had been years of abuse, neglect, and mistreatment hidden in plain sight.

That little voice in the back of his head telling him something was wrong had been right. And that...that was terrifying.

So in the moment, he’d denied it. That was what he did best, after all.

But denial would only get a person so far. Denial would only crash and burn and spread into a devastating fire.

Because despite how hard he was trying, very little was going to be able to convince Virgil that Janus’s intent wasn’t to harm him. Not until he calmed down.

And then Virgil was gone, sinking out away from the noise in the kitchen, and Janus couldn’t honestly say he was surprised, alarmed as he was.

“Get off me, you idiot!”

Janus glanced behind him, shoulders sagging at the sight of the brothers. Roman had tried to push past Remus, the Duke grabbing the Prince’s sash and shoving him back, and Deceit knew if it was only a matter of seconds until someone threw a punch.

But in the moment, Janus couldn’t move, the loathsome truth fighting its way to the surface no matter how much he hated it, still kneeled on the kitchen rug.

The rug...the rug that definitely hadn’t always been there. The rug they’d placed beneath the cabinets seemingly out of nowhere one day. The rug that didn’t particularly go with the rest of the room.

Janus had once made a snide comment he didn’t really mean to Logan, offhandedly mentioning that they should get rid of it. He’d never seen the logical side grow so righteously defensive so quickly.

There had been a similar occurrence when he’d brought up the cups the light sides used. The plastic cups…

The truth was piecing itself together, and Janus thought he might be sick.

“What’s going on?”

Patton’s voice, frantic and confused, was flooding the kitchen before Deceit could pull himself together and reign in the chaos, the moral side skidding to a stop in the kitchen doorway.

And before Janus could stop him, Remus was releasing his hold on his brother and whirling around to face Morality.

“What the fuck have you done?”

The moral side paled, eyes going wide, and Janus wondered if anyone had ever had the audacity to swear at Patton before.

“I- what? Remus, calm--”

“Don’t tell me to calm down!” Remus was still clutching his Morning Star, and Roman was carefully moving to put himself in between the two sides. “Tell me what the fuck you’ve done to Virgil!”

It was like a string had been cut. Patton’s face dropped, something dangerous hardening in his eyes. His gaze went to Janus on the rug still stained with spilled water, then to Roman shakily hovering in the middle of the chaos.

“Where’s Virgil?” Patton asked, and Janus had never heard Morality sound so cold. “Roman--”

“He sank out,” Janus said, finally finding his voice for the first time since Virgil had disappeared. “I was...attempting to calm him down.”

“Oh god.”

Remus reached for Patton’s arm as the moral side turned away and Janus quickly forced himself to speak again, beyond grateful for the way his words didn’t tremble.

“Let him go, Remus,” he said. “It wasn’t them.”

Remus turned to him, incredulous, but dropped his hand all the same, Morning Star still held tight in the other. Patton threw him a questioning glance, but was hurrying through the doorway without another word.

He nearly ran right into a slightly disheveled Logan’s chest.

“What on earth?” He frowned when Patton didn’t answer, barreling past the logical side and out of the kitchen. “I heard yelling, is--”

“What do you mean it wasn’t them?” Remus was spinning around to face Janus, completely ignoring Logan’s tired confusion. “Virgil just said--”

“You're not listening! ” Roman jumped in, and Janus watched Logan quietly take in the scene. “If you would just calm down and let us explain--”  

“Roman.”

Janus didn’t jump- not quite. He would never allow himself to so visibly lose his composure, never in front of so many people. But Logan’s voice, the look in his eyes, was more than enough to bring silence to the room.

When Deceit looked up at Logan, it was like reading an open book. Janus could pick up on lies, read between lines like a second language, but with the logical side there really was never any need.

Logan, for all the times he claimed not to feel, felt more clearly, more strongly than even Patton. He felt and expressed his emotions more intensely than any of them, all while adamantly denying their existence.

And right now, Janus only needed a single glance to see Logan’s anger.

“What happened?” he asked, eyes on the Prince, voice steely calm. “Where is Virgil?”

There was worry beneath the anger, but not nearly enough at the moment to grant them any mercy.

“He was having an attack,” Roman explained, defenses dropping, and it was clearly a frequent enough event that Logan instantly knew what he meant. “I was trying to help him but they wouldn’t let me!”

Janus would never admit it, and he wondered if Remus felt the same, but something about Roman’s aggression sent a pang of...something though his chest. Something that hurt.

He deserved it, he knew. He wasn’t even close to being one of them. He might never be. But he’d been making strides lately, small as they were.

Now, it was like being back on the outside looking in.

But that didn’t matter right now. What mattered is that Remus was quiet, and Janus needed to keep it that way before someone threw a punch.

“I think it is safe to assume,” Logan was saying before Janus could gather his thoughts. “That Janus and Remus have no knowledge of Virgil’s previous treatment. They were trying to protect him.”

“All I know,” Janus said, the bite to his words the last defense he had left. “Is that Virgil was convinced he was going to be beaten. Again. We were a bit caught off guard, so forgive us for taking initiative, Roman.”

“And look where your initiative got you!”

“So what you’re saying,” Logan snapped, turning back to the twins before Janus could retort. “Is that Virgil had already been triggered into a panic attack, and you two decided to have a shouting match five feet away from him?”

Roman had the decency to look guilty, the fight deflating completely from his stance, but Janus couldn’t find it in him to be relieved. Not when Remus was looking progressively more and more panicked beside him.

“I was- I was just trying to help! I thought you--”

“Living room.” Logan’s voice was cold, and even Janus couldn’t shut the Duke down that easily. “All of you. Now.”

Janus, for once, didn’t argue, and he suddenly realized he still hadn’t moved from his crouch on the kitchen rug.

Regaining what little dignity he had left, Deceit quickly picked himself back up, absently brushed off his clothes like he wasn’t just barely numb enough to avoid breaking down completely, and stalked right past the others, all while ignoring the death glares Roman and Remus were sending each other.

Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately- he really wasn’t in a headspace to have his worst fears confirmed), the dreaded conversation wasn’t yet ready to happen.

“Logan!”

Patton was barreling down the stairs, eyes only on the logical side, trembling and frantic, and Janus felt something uneasy clawing at his tightening throat.

Remus had moved to the couch, perched on the arm with his legs crossed, watching the others uneasily. He kept glancing at Janus, but Deceit couldn’t bring himself to look over.

“He’s not there,” Patton hissed, voice laced with panic as he gripped Logan’s sleeve. “He’s not- he’s not in his room, I can’t find him I can’t--”

“Patton, please attempt to calm yourself.”

“He’s gone again!” Patton’s voice caught, eyes welling with tears, and Janus quickly turned away. “It’s happening again, he...what if he- Logan I can’t let this happen again!”

There it was, once more. Again. It was going to happen again. Virgil didn’t want to be hurt anymore.

All of it. Over and over again for god only knew how long. And Janus, priding himself on being a silent observer, on always knowing more than he let on, had just...he’d just…

Janus was sinking out of the living room before he really had time to wrap his head around where he was going, He tried not to think about the irony of following in Virgil’s footsteps.

But if Virgil wasn’t in his room, something that was clearly alarmingly familiar to the others, then Janus was almost positive he knew where he was.

He’d practically said it himself in his panic, a shred of safety he’d desperately clung onto.

“Hey, you’re ok.”

The words were already filtering in by the time Janus appeared beside the staircase in Thomas’s living room, dread already lessening at the apparent lack of panic in the host’s voice.

“You’re ok, bud. You’re safe. It’ll be ok when you wake up.”

Virgil was on the couch (Janus hadn’t quite expected to feel the relief that strongly, legs threatening to give out beneath him), eyes closed and breathing beginning to slow.

Thomas was kneeling on the floor beside him, one hand carding through Virgil’s hair, the other carefully interlocked with the anxious side’s, speaking soft reassurances as he slowly drifted off.

Thomas was a good person. Janus knew that, despite any arguments he may have made in the past for the sake of proving a point.

Thomas was compassionate. He cared, more than anyone. And yet it still caught Janus off guard to see him act so gentle towards Anxiety.

With theories of what had happened to Virgil in the past forming in his head, Janus decided that was for the best. Virgil needed people to be gentle with him.

He wished he’d been able to offer that.

Janus was taking a step forward before he could stop himself, voice much smaller than he would have liked. “Thomas?”

Thomas froze and fell silent, shoulders tensing slightly, but he didn’t turn away from a now still and quiet Virgil.

For a moment the living room was quiet, and Janus wondered if he should just duck out, hurry and tell the others that Virgil was safe.

But he couldn’t move, completely frozen once again, and Thomas let out a quiet sigh.

“It’s not your fault,” he said, and Janus did not care for being thrown off by his own host. That was his job. But Thomas was continuing before he had the chance to come up with an answer. “Can you grab me a blanket from the closet?”

Janus opened his mouth to respond, something sarcastic and witty automatically at the tip of his tongue, but then his eyes fell back onto Virgil, the guilt flooding back, and any usual snark died in his throat.

“Of course.”

Thomas had a few blankets folded up on the closet shelf, and Janus carefully took the softest one in there- a dark gray comforter he thought he might have seen Virgil use before.

Wordlessly, he handed it over to Thomas and watched as he draped it over Virgil, careful not to wake the anxious side.

“He’ll be ok,” Thomas said, and took a shaky breath. “Did you...did you know?”

“Oh yes.” There was no use in even trying to control his own response. “I was fully aware that Virgil was being horrifically abused every time I had my back turned. I stood there and did absolutely nothing to stop it. Is that what you want to hear?”

Thomas was staring at him, probably watching Deceit with that unbearably gentle gaze, but Janus refused to look. He kept his eyes on Virgil, gloved hands clutching his own sleeve, refusing to acknowledge the fact that he’d started to shake.

As awful as it was, as selfish and cruel as it was, he wished the light sides had been the ones hurting Virgil. He wished this was something recent. He wished there was an excuse for not noticing.

“Janus?”

It took him a moment to realize that wasn’t Thomas speaking, Patton now beside him in front of the couch. Thomas was nowhere in sight, and Janus had no idea how long he’d been standing here.

“Can you head back to the mindscape, please?” Patton asked, a hand coming to rest on Janus’s arm. He didn’t pull away. “The others wanna talk to you.”

Janus scoffed, still frozen in place. “You all must be thrilled. Finally an excuse to send the dark sides back where they came from.”

He didn’t spare Patton anything more than a cautious glance, but it was enough to see his eyes filled with a disgusting amount of sympathy.

“We know you would never hurt Virgil,” Patton said. “Remus wouldn’t either. We all know that. I trust you, Janus.”

Janus shook his head, throat far too tight to form a coherent answer, taking a moment to breathe. “Are you coming?”

“Not yet,” Patton said. “I...think I need to stay with him. Just for right now.”

And Janus supposed he understood that. A part of him wanted so desperately to stay, to never let Virgil out of his sight again just to be absolutely sure he was safe.

But he didn’t have the right to make that request. Not when he’d clearly failed so spectacularly at keeping him out of harm’s way before.

He sank out without another word, trusting Patton to do what he couldn't.

The living room in the mindscape was almost exactly the scene he had expected. Logan and Roman were on the couch, the Prince scowling at Remus who was pacing the floor, whatever rant he was going on falling silent as soon as Janus reappeared.

The Duke’s eyes lit up as soon as he saw him, brimming with unabashed hope and desperation, and Janus’s heart sank when he realized what Remus wanted.

Remus was waiting for a better explanation, for Janus to assure him that what the light sides were saying wasn’t true. That Virgil hadn’t been beaten behind their backs for years.

God, Janus wished he could offer him that.

Instead, he moved over to the empty armchair, sat down with his hands folded in his lap, and steadily met Logan’s gaze.

“Tell me what they did to him.”

He didn’t look away. Not when Remus stormed out of the room and a door slammed somewhere in the mindscape a few seconds later, not when Janus’s gut twisted in anger and disgust when Logan told him details.

He did, however, begin to feel like he might throw up when they explained that Virgil had been taught that it was normal.

“Janus.”

Janus hadn’t realized he’d stood from the chair, already moving towards the stairs until Logan was suddenly following him, voice curt and pained. Deceit forced himself to turn back around.

“I can’t say that I fully trust you yet,” Logan said, and Janus almost laughed at the logical side’s bluntness. “And I have my differences with Remus. But I know you two would never hurt Virgil. I know you would have stopped it if you’d known.”

Of course he would have. If he’d ever caught one of the others in the act, ever seen the abuse in action, it never ever would have happened again. No one would dare.

And they’d known that. So they’d hidden it. And Janus had never thought to look deeper into the little, seemingly meaningless lies. The way sometimes Virgil would be limping…

God, what the fuck was wrong with him? How on earth was anybody willing to accept him when it had all been his fault?

But he didn’t say any of that. There was no excuse, no reason to drag this on any longer than was needed.

“Alright,” he said instead, continuing up the stairs. “Tell me when he wakes up.”

Janus thought briefly about checking in on Remus, but quickly decided he couldn’t bear to see his own guilt mirrored in the Duke’s horror.

Later. They would talk about this later.

Instead he locked himself in his room, doubting anyone would come looking for him but fully prepared to turn them away if they did. He didn’t want to face anyone right now. He didn’t plan on leaving until Virgil was awake.

He stayed there in silence until Patton softly knocked hours later, the sky dark and his head heavy, nervously informing him through the door that Virgil was awake and up for visitors.

And in those hours, if he’d let his walls down and privately lost his carefully upheld composure, well...no one needed to know.

All that was left to do was move forward, and make sure Virgil knew he would never be hurt again. Janus wouldn’t let him. Not again.