trozeikylis

[trozeikylis]

I finished Dawntrail yesterday. (FFXIV 7.0 spoilers, ofc)

It’s weirding me out that I’m simultaneously elated and disappointed in the MSQ. It could’ve been so much more and yet, we’re not given much reason to like these characters as they grow. More on this later.

Wuk Lamat interested me back in 6.5x. Seeing her at fanfest made me excited and seeing her in Endwalker made me wonder with glee what Tural could possibly be. And yet she screams nothing short of girlfailure and delusional optimistism, two traits that don’t mesh well with being a fitting ruler.

Speaking of the Rite of Succession, our cast of warmonger, warmonger, slightly TOO optimistic tech nerd, and girlfailure didn’t do it for me. Granted, they’re gross oversimplifications of what they (mostly) are, but it’s still enough to call to mind who each of them are. Also: feels a tad bit off to make both the zealots for war the same race, if you ask me. It’s also a shame since Zarool Ja is one of the cooler designs I’ve seen XIV do and I wanted him to be more.

The cultures we learned about were cool (especially in the last 2 sections), but I feel like we didn’t need such detail in the MSQ. Shadowbringers had to do something similar, but we didn’t have to worry about a time crunch nearly as badly since a lot of details about how each society worked were either brief (read: didn’t require the Echo) or were engaging, like in Mord Souq. Instead, we get hours upon hours of exposition and reveling in the glory of Ms. Third Promise. Don’t get me wrong, I was interested in learning and read every line. I just wish they didn’t put ALL of the info in a straight line. I found myself practically screaming to want to fight. Perhaps it’s the sense of urgency that’s taken away since the rites didn’t necessarily have time constraints, but the fact that everything happened to line up perfectly with making friends (or trying to) out of everyone agitated me since it’s not realistic.

I’d imagine if someone tried to kill you in this world, you’d not want to save them for the sake of your sanity and safety. And yet, Wuk Lamat does just that to the radical giant. It doesn’t make sense why it goes unpunished with debts and repayment despite the fact that yes, they’re still enemies in game.

And despite it all, I still loved this expansion.

Going past Shaoolani, breaching through Vanguard, did I find the last final emotion within Pandora’s box. Heritage Found is a purposefully bleak place. I wish it didn’t look so miserable to be there, but past the doors into Everkeep’s ninth level did I find solace in the reality of this chapter.

To be stored and kept forever, to be cherished for one more day, to be locked away in a prison of eternal bliss did the bleak, golden skies past the Cenote greet me.

Alexandria was wonderful. The regulators and the artificial lifestream as a form of currency was a very interesting though, especially after just watching a video about time’s toll on the human psyche (the Daryl Makes Games one, I highly recommend checking it out). The Unlost being so umbrally charged and the challenged introduced by it, yet solved with even more specific solutions shows how the hardships of humanity causes it to evolve, and yet, stripping it away also surrenders what makes you, you.

I think about the Gondola scene in Canal Town a lot since I watched it. I think it’ll be like the 87 scene from Endwalker for me. I think about G’raha’s 200 years of torment he had to endure while we were frolicking in the fields. The apocalypse he saw time and time again, and how Living Memory spat it all back in his face. Truly, a moment of melancholy arises when he gazes at you so while the soundtrack reminisces of a bygone time, a mall long since closed, a moment hanging by a thread of nostalgia.

And speaking of sad boys, I was chatting with a friend going through it at the same time, and we immediately thought of Amaurot. After all, the spiraling architecture of the Meso Terminal couldn’t help but remind me of Emet Selch’s feat all that time ago. And to think one unsundered soul did all that when an unsustainable amount of aether was required to maintain something similar.

It saddens me you cannot return to the golden skies once it is done, and yet, it’s heartening that the terminal’s shutdown forces you to move on with it. It’s a bleak future, but one we must hold onto and carry with us. After all, so long as we are remembered, we live on vicariously.

So, I think I will do the same. I am saddened by the plot, the narrative, the flat characters, and yet, the little moments will forever shine to me. Otis, Cachiua, Gulool Ja, Maya’s parents, Erene- I mean Erenville, and the cast of the backrooms will be in my heart as I move on from this experience.

Here’s to hoping that patch content allows those that fell short to shine properly like the others.

[trozeikylis]

The Human Heart, Divine Judgment, and Mechs

Spoilers for the OG series and End of Evangelion. I’d highly advise you watch those first so you can make your own opinion before looking at this.

I recently watched all of Eva for the first time recently since my friend invited me to watch End of Eva for its special theater viewing. To be honest, I didn’t know really what to expect when I went in, but I had heard a lot of things and had figured now would be a good time to finally bite the bullet and have one large, cathartic session of child soldier trauma. What I didn’t expect would be a 10 hour binge-fest of tears and a major reconsideration of myself in the process.

I knew that this show was heavy and wasn’t going to pull punches. It’s kinda why I opted to binged the initial 26 episodes by myself on one day. And while I wouldn’t recommend it for everyone because I felt absolutely horrendous from the messed up state of mind it left me in, it’s definitely something I’d suggest doing if you have the guts for it.

As for the show and movie itself, I’m glad that I watched them both sometime during my life. As I said earlier, this is not for everyone. It’s mature, unadulterated emotions splayed on the canvas for all to see. If you couldn’t stand something like Devilman Crybaby, then this is probably not for you. But by the same token, it’s a deep retrospection of yourself and (Japanese) society as a whole when you look at it from an analytical lens. The concept of merging every being into one, essentially eliminating the self is such an extreme that I’ve never even considered would be possible, and yet, they made it work. There’s numbers and logic and science, but by the same token, nothing explicitly explains why the Evas are capable of taking matters into their own hands through the inhibiting armor. But it doesn’t need to.

Are we worthy to continue existing? Are we worthy of our lives as a whole, or as an individual? These are the two questions that Eva proudly poses, with each group giving different answers. And it’s very obvious of the stances of each party: the pilots and those that stand with them, and the Seele. However, because the opinions of the children are cast aside, it very much reflects the mentality humanity has put into its youth: disregarded due to the lack of experience. But those that do acknowledge them understand that once, they too were in their shoes. It’s why those that sided with them had similar situations of absent or neglectful parents, those that barely had an appearance, and thusly, carved a determined individual out of spite rather than praise and attendance.

And while Shinji gets a lot of flak for being hesitant to his fate, I have to firmly disagree on the logic that those fans have for him. It’s obvious from the beginning that while he wishes to not cause harm, it’s the fate he’s drawn to and eventually a key part of his identity. If he wasn’t an Eva pilot, would anyone else ever hear his cello? Would anyone else bother looking at him? He’s an average guy with average grades on purpose, and yet one who must answer the call and push past his neglectful childhood in order to sprout the seed of humanity.

As for Rei and Asuka, this is the first series in a long time that made me ask myself: “why were you written in this story? For what purpose do you have to the message of the plot?” Rei was quite simple, but Asuka? Asuka drove me mad. I could not comprehend her reasoning for existing. Without Asuka, Shinji was on a steady platform for growth and acceptance, for understanding flaw and fault and yet being able to hold his head high and make positive relationships regardless of what others think. When she came in on the 7th episode, I was excited. I was curious as to why so many people were attracted to her character, but it fell incredibly flat. Her stubborn ego and standoffish attitude clashed with the sheer positivity I had seen from online. She was asinine and cruel to Shinji, who clearly had a lot of visible issues going on, even if he was silent about them. Even after the explanation of her mother going insane to eventually committing suicide, I felt nothing. I had figured that she had ongoing familial issues (as did the rest of the cast that directly interacted with the pilots), but at this point when everybody’s special, nobody is.

It wasn’t until I had watched the movie that it finally clicked for me. Asuka, standing proudly in the apartment, staring at Shinji, echoing what had already been stated throughout the show. The confidence that Shinji could never have stared back at him, the woman within his grasp undesirable. One who is lauded and praised endlessly for her accelerated education and incredible synchronization with the Eva, and yet… everything Shinji despises. She is the truth that he rejects. She is the foil to Shinji, one who accepts and runs toward the truth, and gets hurt because of it. After all, while they both watched their mothers’ lives end, Asuka is the only one who made it shape her thoughts. It festered and built after all that time, allowing her to finally accept her AT fields and use them until the end.

It doesn’t matter how many times Shinji’s train-space in his head has to attempt to process the same information. It doesn’t get through until that very scene, and in a strange sense, made me truly enjoy Asuka as a character and thusly, that entire scene. It’s truly a shame it was resolved via domestic violence, but by the same token, has Shinji ever had such an authority with his voice to realize that it may have been effective in that moment? Not to say “boys will be boys” or anything of the sort, but by the same token, when you know nothing else aside from biting the hand that feeds, what will a wild beast do when they are taught nothing?

I’m honestly surprised that words are not talked about more in the series. Like the Spear of Longinius, they are more than capable of cutting through AT fields and resonating with the soul. You see them work and be effective with the improving synchronicity rates, when he surpasses Asuka. The positive reinforcement truly bolsters him and lets him stand for himself again after she initially arrives. Maybe it’s even what makes him desperate for her approval. Perhaps his loneliness had truly started to eat at him and she was the fastest person he could contact. There are a lot of different reasons that he could be so stuck on her. At the same time, though, from the perspective of a child deep in depression and torment, words are simply just noise that fill the air.

Speaking of which, many laud the series for an accurate depiction of depression and anxiety, and while I didn’t really get the feeling of the latter until End of Eva, Shinji’s self-affirmations and hesitance always had resonated with me. The feeling of not knowing what tomorrow will be or how the world will elect to view you always creeps in the back of your mind.

And before I forget: the original ending, while technically fantastic to break down and the message being amazing in its open-endedness, definitely left a lot to be had. That said, I am grateful it exists as it helps build more context for End of Eva. It gives an introspection on Shinji, and how he defines the human heart. The turmoil that fights at him while he sits under the staircase during the Seele raid, the thoughts that rush through his head while a giant Rei stares expectingly at him, the collective consciousness flooding through his head whilst he becomes fanta, they’re all proudly on display through those initial last two episodes.

However, I will definitely appreciate the End of Evangelion for tying everything very neatly. Knowing the fate of Shinji and the world appends to the message of the show. That despite everything, despite the apocalypse and nobody wanting to join you, you can find hope. You can carry what others have dropped and make sure your own dreams can be within reality. What others think of you shouldn’t matter. While external appreciation is nice, it shouldn’t define you as a person. However, it’s ok to be afraid. Otherwise, we would all be one person with several different bodies, and without each other being different in our own ways, there would be no reason to carry on anymore.

So, what do you wish for? What do you want? Would you like to be one, in body, in mind, and in spirit?

I didn’t realize I had this many words to say about Eva, but it did resonate with me pretty intensely. If you’ve read this far, thank you for listening to my rambling. It’s insane how content that’s produced from a region that is resistant to understanding mental health and from such a long time ago still has merit in this current age, but life finds a way. I definitely wish to watch the rest of the content that came out for this because it’s been an incredibly validating experience despite how unrealistic it is. Once I’m done with Eva, I’ll probably watch other things to make me feel absolutely horrendous and write about them here. Or not, who knows?